Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 276: Dropped a Baby with Natasha Muse

Episode Date: May 20, 2013

Comedian Natasha Muse joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of rare Dr. Pepper, artisanal pickling, and Jordan talks about his trip to Nicolas Cage's estate sale.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Can I offer a few thank yous here at the top of the program? Why not?

I do not want to miss the opportunity. You don't want to seem ungrateful for, you know, 10 minutes. Can I be honest with you, Jordan? I'm pretty high on caffeine right now. Okay. What'd you get in you? Well, here's the thing. Okay.

Ordinarily, I think some listeners might know this. And when you're high on caffeine, it makes you more grateful. Yes. Some people, you know, feel a little anxious or some people feel, you know, positive. You feel grateful. I don't usually consume caffeine because it is a migraine trigger for me. However, our friend John Hodgman, host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast

here on the Maximum Fun Network, was kind enough for my birthday to send me a six-pack of Dublin Dr. Pepper. Are you familiar with Dublin Dr. Pepper? I'm not. It's just like a... Oh, go ahead. In Dublin, Texas,

it's one of the oldest Dr. Pepper or was one of the oldest Dr. Pepper bottlers in the country. And they were the only Dr. Pepper bottler bottling Dr. Pepper with sugar rather than corn syrup for a very long time. So this is kind of a Mexican Coke situation. Exactly. And they had – for a long time, they had the sole franchise to mail order Dr. Pepper. mail order Dr. Pepper. So from time to time, my wife would order me, for example, regular caffeine-free Dr. Pepper, which sometimes folks will bring me as a thoughtful gift at Max Fun Con or something because they don't offer it here in Southern California.

It's a regional thing? Yeah. And typically, soda bottlers are regional. They have regional licenses, so you can't cross over. So you can't ship. Where's the nearest place to get a caffeine-free Dr. Pepper? Salt Lake. Okay.

So, did you like how I was ready with that? Yeah. Oh, it's probably the, it's a Mormon thing probably, right? Exactly. There's so many more. There's a market for it. Exactly. Generally speaking, you will find it in the South where Dr. Pepper is very popular, especially

Texas, and in places where there's a lot of Mormons because they can't have caffeine. In places where there's a lot of Mormons because they can't have caffeine. But anyway, long story short, Dublin Dr. Pepper got in a fight with the Dr. Pepper company. Oh, boy. They lost their Dr. Pepper license. Now they're just Mr. Pepper. So what Dr. Pepper there is from Dublin Dr. Pepper is highly sought after. Sure.

Hodgman knew this and he knew that I would appreciate it. It's true. However, having not had any caffeine at all for months, eight-ounce soda, which is what they are, they're eight-ounce bottles, is enough to make me feel like I could punch a hole in a wall. Cool. Like I am ready to fucking do this. All right.

Anyway, gratefulness. First of all, we got our friend Cruft Box. You remember Cruftbox? I don't know. Cruftbox was kind enough to bring me a brisket once. This is the kind of stuff we look for in our fans. Let's bring our guest into the program here. A stand-up comedian from the San Francisco Bay Area.

You might have heard her on our International Waters podcast, live from the Comedy and Burrito Festival. Natasha Muse. Natasha, welcome to the program. It's great to be here. Okay. Sounds good. Have you ever met Cruft Box before? I don't.

I like the idea that that's a person's name. Yeah. So Cruft Box, ordinarily, Cruft Box brings me brisket. Yeah. Which I appreciate. We know various enthusiastic fans by their forum handles, which are more often than not very goofy. Yeah. Which I appreciate. We know various enthusiastic fans by their forum handles, which are more often than not very goofy. Yeah. I think Cruftbox may be at Cruftbox on Twitter, too.

So Cruftbox. Is that with a K or a C? C. Oh. Real name Michael. Mm-hmm. Typically he's- Last name Cruftbox.

Typically he'll bring me a smoked meat because he's a meat smoking enthusiast. Okay. That sounds like a playground epithet. Sure. But indeed, he genuinely- That's a complicated playground. Yeah. By the world's fanciest bully.

He likes to make a nice brisket and, you know, sometimes you make too much brisket. Sure. He'll bring over some extra brisket. That's nice. I try and push 20 bucks on him so he's not losing money on the operation. Sure. He'll bring over some extra brisket. That's nice. I try and cover, I try and push 20 bucks on him so he's not losing money on the operation. Yeah. I don't want him to lose money on the operation coming over to bring me a brisket. Sure. He's already spent eight hours in

his backyard smoking brisket. You know what I'm talking about. I do. I do. And this time around, we got this huge box here at the office on Friday. I wasn't in. My wife calls me. It is an enormous box full of Girl Scout cookies. Apparently, Cruft Box's daughter is a terrible saleswoman. So wait. So he just buys enough to help her win or get the merit badge?

I think what you do is you buy some and then you sell them. Okay. It's like Amway? You buy some and then you sell them. Okay. Oh. It's like Amway? Yeah.

Exactly. It is. It is like Amway except it's for a good cause. That's right. For scouting is probably a better cause than Amway. Although I heard that Skin So Soft moisturizer is a great bug repellent. Oh, I didn't know that. You can also use it as kindling to start a fire. That's true.

We're talking about camping. Highly flammable. Sure. One of the most flammable moisturizers on the market. It's primarily made of whale oil. Oh. Sperm whale oil. Wow.

So it's perfect for lamps. Flammable and cruel. Exactly. That's why Girl Scouts get whaling badges now, right? They go out with a Japanese whaling ship. Exactly. Okay. So he sent us like seven box, like, no, more than seven. I'm going to say 15 or 20 boxes of Girl Scout cookies.

What's this guy's deal? He had a lot of Girl Scout cookies. Just a great guy or something? Apparently so. Yeah. I mean, that's been my experience. Sure. I can't controvert your assertion that Cruft Box is a great

guy. Now it could be one of these cookies is poisoned. Then it turns out he's a real heel. Sure. Oh, I like the idea that in these boxes and boxes of Girl Scout cookies there's one poison cookie. Yeah, just one. Seems like a Twilight Zone kind of thing. It's like if you get the slice of Three Kings cake that has the pebble in it. Sure.

It's a baby. Well, it depends on your tradition. Okay. There's a lot of different Three Kings Day it. Sure. It's a baby. Well, it depends on your tradition. Okay. There's a lot of different three king's day traditions. Okay. Is that part of Christmas? Yeah. It's the, it's, I believe that's the last day of Christmas, if I'm not mistaken.

Oh, like the 12th day of Christmas? Is that correct, Brian? Let's do some reading. I think it's a length thing. Yeah. It's, I guess I know about it because of our relatives in Louisiana. I think it's related to Mardi Gras. I do know that there's a baby in a cake. Yeah. I guess I know about it because of our relatives in Louisiana. I think it's related to Mardi Gras. I do know that there's a baby in a cake.

Yeah, Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras? What about search Three Kings Day cake? Search that and see if there's a fucking pebble in it. This sounds Canadian to me. Okay. Okay, so that's number one. There's so many fucking cookies.

My apologies, Jordan. Are you't think you – are you still not eating cookies? Yeah. I think a Girl Scout cookie is the kind of empty sugar snack that I probably would not have. I appreciate it, though. You try and make your sugar count. Yeah, I do. Exactly. You eat before battles.

Right. Or when I'm in clinical trials in case I get the placebo. So I'm like, oh no, I can't. I don't think I'll have a soda. Good news, Brian. You're going home with some Girl Scout cookies, my friend.

Natasha, I don't know if you drove here, flew here, what your situation is, but if you want to... Wait a minute. Both? I mean, I drove here

and then I... And then you flew where? Well, I flew... Where did you fly? I flew to Southern California, but then I didn't fly directly to the building. You didn't land on the heliport? We've got to get people using the helipad. I tried to get clearance.

Really? They wouldn't give you clearance? Chopper's too big? Too big, yeah, exactly. Get a big chopper. I think if we restricted our guests to only people who could use the helipad, like, every week it would just be Richard Branson, right? Sure.

So that's thank you number one. Too many Girl Scout cookies. What do you like, Natasha? You like a do-si-do? Because we got some do-si-dos back there. Oh, what's a do-si-do? Can you explain it to me? That's a peanut butter sandwich cookie.

That's my personal favorite Girl Scout cookie. We got some Tagalongs. I think a Tagalong, what's that? Is that a coconut chocolate cookie? It's pronounced Tagalog, Jesse. It's a language. Excuse me. That's an adobo flavored cookie.

But anyway, so great news. Everybody's getting cookies. That's number one. King's Cake can also be on three days Kings Day, which is January 6th. Thank you very much. Brian says a king's cake can also be served on Three Kings Day, January 6th. Good work, Brian. Thank you.

That's why you get the big bucks. Okay. Number two. You may remember. Natasha, you wouldn't remember this. You weren't here. But a couple weeks ago on the program, I demanded that listeners send me pickles. I just also complicated epithets.

I spent some time thinking about the demographics of our audience, which is to say we have a young audience, a hip audience, an urban audience, a sophisticated audience. What are hip, urban, sophisticated people doing in 2013? Shit from 1880. So that specifically means putting up jams, jellies, preserves, and pickles. That sounds about right. So good news. Michael Hoffman came through.

Check it out. Michael Hoffman, a friend of ours from New York City, Brooklyn, to be specific. That doesn't seem right. I know. Now, his girlfriend works that we would have a fan in Brooklyn who's into pickling. God. That doesn't add up. That doesn't add up.

You know why I love, I'll tell you why I love Brooklyn, Natasha. It's not because it's so livable. It's not because it's so hip. It's because I'm a celebrity there. It's not because it's so livable. It's not because it's so hip. It's because I'm a celebrity there. It's the only place in the world besides the line outside the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater or at one of our shows that I am a celebrity. I've never spent a day in Brooklyn and not had someone recognize me, which is something that in my day-to-day life happens every three months. Tremendous.

It's a wonderful thing. It's a wonderful, tremendous thing. Keep gentrifying, Brooklyn. I'm giving you a special gentrification dispensation as long as it's Jordan Jesse Go fans moving in. Okay. So Michael's girlfriend works or wife or girlfriend works at a place called New York Mouth, which is in Brooklyn on J Street in Brooklyn. That's J-A-Y, presumably named after John Jay, the great patriot. And he sent us a Pickletown taster.

Now, I know what you guys are wondering. When do I get my dick sucked? I mean, in general, that's what I'm wondering most of the time. What's a Pickletown Taster is what you're wondering. A Pickletown Taster is a broad variety of artisanal pickles. If you think there's one artisanal pickle company in Brooklyn, New York City, you are sorely mistaken. Now, is this just – Yeah, I never would have assumed there's just one artisanal pickle company in Brooklyn.

I think – I'm pretty sure we got eight bottles of pickles, jars of pickles. Now, are these just cucumbers or are there other things that they've pickled? We only got – now, I have to say, we only got one jar of pickled beets, which was my specific request. Again, you weren't there, Natasha, but I was specifically looking for pickled beets. And they're tarragon pickled beets, which I'm a little concerned about. I say just pickle the beet and feed it to me. Sure. You know what I mean?

Don't get all fancy with it. Yeah, I don't think I need anything. Don't get fancy with your artisanal. Yeah, no. If you're making artisanal pickles, the last thing you want to be is fancy. I say just get it right. Right. Look, a cucumber doesn't taste like anything.

You can do whatever the fuck you want to your cucumbers. Don't make them too spicy. I don't want too spicy of a pickle. But a beet, a pickled beet, that's food perfection. That's one of the most delicious things you can eat. Just pickle it and give it to me. You don't want to kill the lily. Absolutely not.

In this case, the lily is a metaphor for a beet. Yeah. Because it's hard for the human mind to grasp the idea of a beet. And tarragon is gold. That's right. Brined. Yeah. So anyway, that's our thank yous for this week on Jordan Dressy Go.

I'm looking forward to getting more pickles in the mail, by the way. This should not stop the pickle train. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think we should have a pickle competition with, you know, America's other, you know, hubs where this kind of thing would take place. Like Portland. Portland, let's see your pickles. Austin. Silver Lake, let's see your pickles.

Austin, you know. St. Paul, Minnesota. Yeah. Where's your pickles? Where's your pickles? John Moe, let's's see your pickles. Austin, you know. St. Paul, Minnesota. Yeah. Where's your pickles? Where's your pickles? John Moe, let's send us some pickles. Get on that, John Moe. If you live right now, right now, if you're in the Twin Cities, you have so much discretionary income because you bought your house for $79,000 and it's a giant mansion that you should be spending at least $100,000 a year on pickles.

Right. That's my math. That's your math. If you're making – That adds up. That's sound. Yeah. Right?

Look, I'm not a financial advisor. I've run the numbers. That adds up. I'm not a financial advisor. I've run the numbers. That adds up. I'm not a financial advisor. I'm not a fiduciary. However, I feel strongly that if you live in a low cost of living area such as the Twin Cities, basically the entire Midwest, if you're in St. Louis, Missouri right now, not only do you have a particular kind of pickle probably that they make in St. Louis, Missouri right now, not only do you have a particular kind of pickle probably that they make in St. Louis, Missouri. Oh, yeah.

I say you buy your – there were these guys that came on Judge John Hodgman. I call these the Bat Brothers. This was their case on Judge John Hodgman. They had just graduated from college. They were unemployed and they bought a house in Kansas. They bought this house for, I want to say, $50,000. They bought the house because it was cheaper than rent. This was a 19th century farmhouse in their town in Kansas.

In their town in Kansas. Their big fight between these two brothers was in the bathroom, a lot of times bats would attack you. The reason was- Like in the shower? In the shower, on the toilet, when you're brushing your teeth, whatever. All the main areas of a bathroom. Did they live in the bathroom? So here's the thing. Not to spend too much of our podcast describing something that happened on another podcast, but.

One of the brothers thought that they should cover up the hole in the wall that led to the outside where the bats lived. Okay. I agree with that. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. The other brother just said, well, we should just keep the bathroom door closed. Wait. Just sequester them to the bathroom. Oh, okay.

So they don't get into the rest of the house. He thinks that's enough. If you're in the bathroom, you know you're supposed to be on your guard for baths. Sure. So the bathroom becomes like an outhouse. Yeah, exactly. Like part of the wild. Exactly.

There could be cougars in there. Who knows? Yeah. So they bought this house for like fifty five thousand dollars i can't remember what their rent was each of them was paying i think 200 bucks a month for their mortgage excuse me i said rent but mortgage if you're in one of those situations yeah and you're not sending us pickles and you're not sending us pickles yeah something wrong with you we had to pay thousands of dollars a month just to live in a hovel. Our nation's postal service

has seen better days. They need your support. Jumpstart the postal service, a business I think we all believe in, and mail pickles. You want Cliff Clavin to starve? Yeah, that's... I'd hate that. I, for one, do not. I don't want that on my ass.

Yeah. You know, here's another thing. Is it legal to send pickled eggs in the mail? If so, send us, do not. I don't want that on my ass. Yeah. You know, here's another thing. Is it legal to send pickled eggs in the mail? If so, send us some pickled eggs. Oh, gross. I would never eat that. I would eat a pickled egg in an instant, especially if it's like red, purple. You pickle it with beets.

You pickle the eggs with the beets, and the beets turn the eggs red. The brine. The brine, but the juice from the beets turns the eggs red purple. The beets just get everywhere. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. You eat a bunch of pickled beets, you're pissing red for 48 hours. Yeah.

48 hours you have to remember that you ate a bunch of pickled beets and you're not dying. I mean, that just happens with regular beets, too. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Everyone's had that scare where you think that you're not dying. I mean, that just happens with regular beets, too. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Everyone's had that scare where you think that you're bleeding internally. Sure. You know what? Send me just some regular beets.

I love beets. So you're just asking for food now. You just want people to feed you. I need to fill up my root cellar. I need some garlic powder. Garlic powder? Yeah, I'm running a little low. Jordan, can I get you some turmeric?

Yeah, that would be nice. Salts and spices. Yeah. Our friend Brian back in business lane sent me a few salt mixes. Oh, that's nice. A few spice rubs. Okay. I made my own rub recently.

Yeah? Can I recommend making your own rub? Sure. I mean, can I give you an idea for what to do with your rub? You just rub one out? No. Natasha, that's very vulgar. Sorry.

This is a family program. Keep it. We're going to have to bleep that. Brian, go back and bleep that. Put some rub on your pita chips. Okay. I bet that's fun. It's real fun.

Yeah. It sounds time consuming. You probably don't even need a dip then, huh? You could probably just eat them. Oh, yeah. Without a dip. It's a fucking. Yeah. It sounds time consuming. You probably don't even need a dip then, huh? You could probably just eat them. Oh, yeah. Without a dip. It's a fucking flavor explosion. Yeah.

You know what? This is great. This is a great use of our show. Yeah. Describing other podcasts. Talking about things we want to get mailed to us. Yeah. This is tremendous.

Yeah. This is why people start- This is content. This is why people Yeah. This is why people start. This is content. This is why people, yeah, we're content makers. We're in the content industry. Sure.

We're generating mobisodes here. We're rocketing it up your... Mobisodes. Did you just come up with that? Yeah. That's a buzzword.

It's very hot. We're in the tech industry. You don't read Variety? No. You don't read allthingsd.com? No. It's a website about dicks.

Brian, can you rewind and go ahead and bleep that? Yeah. Thank you. You don't get those websites in San Francisco.

In San Francisco. No dicks in San Francisco, I'll tell you. It's like cola. It's all regional. Right. Sure. You guys just have

bread bowl tutorials. Sure. Chow just have bread bowl tutorials. Sure. Chowder reviews. That's about it. Yeah, exactly. And then fog stories. Like a story about something that happens in the fog. Is that what you think Tales of the City is?

Right. Gay stuff in fog. Okay. You have a really complete picture of my hometown, Jordan. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, this is Kevin Allison of the state and the podcast Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. X-rated stories, outrageously hilarious stories, tear-jerking stories. You won't believe how real and raw and surprising risk can be. You've heard people say,

oh, too much information. Don't be sharing that in mixed company. Well, at Risk, we say screw that. Anything goes. So you've got a treasure trove of jaw-dropping entertainment to dig into, my friend. Look us up at MaximumFun.org, or of course, just go Podcasts at the iTunes Store and search for Risk. Risk! It's Jordan and Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Natasha Mews, Easier Said Than Done.

Solid. Yeah, like it. Thanks. Rock solid. Good nickname. Quick softball update. Please. Just came back from practice. Sunny D was there.

Sunny D's charming, beautiful girlfriend, Lauren, was there. Great panoply of talent out there on the field. It's getting better. Okay. We're improving. Now, I ran into a member of your softball team the other day and she told me, and I don't mean to make this an indictment. I'm not here to put anybody on trial.

God forbid I'd put someone on blast. I was about to say. I'm not here to do that. Is that blast notice? Oh no, straight to blast. Straight to blast. No notice. Yeah, no notice. You're just on blast. But that's not what I'm here to do she told me that she's having a fun time on the softball team yeah uh

that she was uh looking forward to your upcoming bout with the pasadena humane society tuesday night's game she says that there have been no pizza parties that is a concern of mine too i mean one of the main there are two main issues with regard to pizza parties were no pizza parties. That is a concern of mine, too. I mean, one of the main, there are two main issues with regard to pizza parties. Were there pizza parties promised? I think it's inherently implicit. It's implied? Yeah. Because I would think ice cream.

Yeah, it melts. You go out for ice cream. You go to an ice creamery. Right, yeah. You play the game and then you all go together to get ice cream. Sure, the mulch shop. Can we just get Greek yogurt? I really like Greek.

I find it to be very indulgent. Sinful. Positively sinful. Yeah, here's the thing. Our games have been starting at like 8.45 at night. Yeah. And so they don't finish until like 11. Okay. And the truth is- Their pizza parlor's open at 11. I'm a dad. Yeah. And so they don't finish until like 11. Okay.

And the truth is... Their pizza parlor's open at 11. I'm a dad. Sure. 11 o'clock is time for Jesse to go home, wrap things up, you know,

kiss the wife, go to sleep. Okay. And after practice, I got to get here to do Jordan, Jesse, go. That's true. We had practice today.

Yeah. I'm not advocating missing Jordan, Jesse, go for pizza parties. It seemed like that's what you were pushing for. But I'm I'm not advocating missing Jordan Jessico for pizza parties. It seemed like that's what you were pushing for. But I'm just saying. Just because you met Samantha at some party. Sure.

And you liked her athletic physique. Sure. And her charming mole. And her winning personality. Yeah. I will say what we have a lot of on the Max Fund softball team, winning personalities. That's great. Not any winning so far.

Let's be clear. Do you feel like there might be a revolt unless you start planning more pizza parties? Is this something you could just Gatsby? Could you just plan this pizza party and just leave? Wow, that's an interesting question. Is Gatsby a verb now? Yeah, you know, it's, you know, planning the thing

and then just kind of watching from the balcony. No, I love it. Yeah. I like how that's a new thing that nouns just become verbs almost from the balcony. No, I love it. Yeah. I like that. That's a new thing that nouns just become verbs almost overnight. Sure.

And we all get it. What if I bought a cooler full of root beers? Would that be enough? If I like threw them underhand and said, all right. I would want,

here's what I would want. You gotta call people by their last name though. Yeah. Jenkins. Or nicknames. I'd have to learn people's last names. Hey, Fatty.

Good job, Fatty. Hey, Clutzo. Everyone's head turns. Yeah, but I mean, I feel like I would I want the thing to happen at another. I don't want to just hang out on the field and drink a root beer. I want the party to move. I want the party to move.

To D'Antoni's. Sure. Is an example of a pizza parlor. Lil Peppy's. It's too bad. You know, our producer, Julianne Bullseye, her parents, until literally months ago, owned a pizza parlor. Here in Southern California, Long Beach. Yeah. And we did not have one pizza party there.

Yeah. It sucks. It was stupid of me. I have instituted. One of the great things about being the boss is you can institute things and make pronouncements and everyone has to do it that works for you. I have instituted dim sum day. Now, I love dim sum. My wife is fine with dim sum, but she doesn't like it enough to, like, want to go through the trouble of getting there with me.

Because when I say getting there with me because when i say getting there i mean achieving orgasm sure um when she'd rather get there by herself or with one of her lovers to explain the the dim sum in los angeles you're mostly looking if you want good dim sum you're going to the san gabriel valley which is east of la and you're looking at a half hour drive sure and my wife's ambivalent about that, especially because if you want to go to the big dim sum places, you're going to have to wait for your dim sum. So I instituted dim sum day here in the office because I wanted to eat it. Now, I don't want to go for more than six weeks without my deep fried chicken knees. It's probably my favorite dish.

So I instituted dim sum day. I may have to institute pizza party day for the softball team. Yeah. I think it's your responsibility. But don't you... You have a pizza party after the game, though, right? Yeah. But what if the game ends at like 10.30 at night? Then you

still have a pizza party? Too bad. Yeah. You gotta go. You gotta go to like... Where are you going? Shakey's? Yeah, Shakey's. I, right? You got to go. You got to go to like, where are you going? Shakey's? Yeah, Shakey's. I don't know. Yeah, just whatever's adjacent. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a pizza party, although it probably should be.

But, you know, it just depends what's close. You could have them deliver it to a park. Just deliver it right to a park? Yeah. I feel like I want to go to a place. I feel like I'm anti-keeping hanging out at the park. Booths. Yeah, booths. Booths and root beers. Pitchers. Pitchers or root beer. Yeah, booths. Booths and root beers.

Pitchers. Pitchers or root beer. It's more of a classic thing. Pitchers or root beer is what I'm looking for. Just root, not beer? I don't drink beer. And I think root beer is your ideal beverage to go with pizza. Although, from what I understand, people who do like beer,

they like it mixed with pizza. No, root beer is good, though. Or a nice Merlot. Yeah. One of the others. Of course. That you would get at a pizza place. Individual bottles of wine with a screw top.

Specifically at Shakey's. Sure. Shakey's has a really fine wine cellar. A nice cold bottle of red wine. Yeah. You actually have to get it out of the crane game. You have to put a quarter in the crane game and grab it next to a giant inflatable Sonic the Hedgehog if you want wine. What's a real bummer is if you're a kid that wanted the Sonic the Hedgehog.

I know. You accidentally get wine. Now you're in the hospital getting your stomach pumped. Sure. It's your first taste of alcohol and the first step on the road to alcoholism. Yeah. Oh. Or that might prevent you from getting alcohol.

That's true, yeah. It's a kind of a Donald Duck, smoke every cigar in this box kind of solution. Exactly. He's Donald Ducking. Yeah. That's what the kid's doing. Yeah, yeah. Jordan, speaking of erratic behavior,

I saw on Facebook that you did something amazing. Yes. And I want to query you about it. Please. something amazing. Yes. And I want to query you about it. Please.

Did you or did you not attend the quote unquote estate sale of the estate of one Mr. Nicholas Cage? I did. I have been to Nicholas Cage's house and rummaged through his stuff and I even bought something. Follow up question. Yes. Is Nicholas Cage dead? No.

Well, here's. Okay. So this. Yes. That was my first thought. Oh, my God. Nicholas Cage died. This is. Well, here's – okay. So this – yes, that was my first thought. Oh, my God, Nicolas Cage died. This is not how I wanted to find out. I wanted him to do it in my arms.

Because I'm shrieking at the sky. No. So I saw the notice for this estate sale. And, right, estate sales is usually when someone dies. Right. So I asked one of the attendants at the sale. First of all, something you had to sign up for. You had to like send them an email and get a ticket and print it out.

A lot of times with a high demand celebrity – they sometimes will have celebrity estate sales here in Los Angeles since celebrities live in Los Angeles. And a lot of times you'll have to sort of RSVP ahead rather than just lining up as you would at an ordinary estate sale. So I asked one of the attendants, very nice bunch of people, all very helpful, you know, like, hey, why would someone have a sale like this? And he says, well, you know, a lot of times just, you know, somebody's just concerned with being fashionable and they want to, you know, get out all their old stuff and they want to redecorate. This is not one of those cases.

Wait, these people are giving you the dirt? Well, no, they wouldn't really. What I gathered is that Nicolas Cage, famous for having tax problems, famous for not paying his taxes and making extravagant purchases. He has like a full dinosaur skeleton. He paid a million dollars for it. Yeah, he has a collection of shrunken heads, I believe. Superman's bones. Superman's bones.

So, yeah, that's what I was kind of expecting going into this place. So, like, is there a tax reason to have an estate sale? Like if the government seizes your house, do they just sell everything to cover your debt? Well, I mean, I think that a lot of times just if someone is in tax trouble, they have a tax bill they have to pay. They have to raise cash. They're just going to – and especially if you're Nicolas Cage, he probably has extra houses. Yes.

Right. I don't – yeah, I don't think Nicolas Cage is like wandering the streets of Hollywood somewhere like sleeping on a bench. He just got himself an efficiency in Studio City. Sure. yeah. So I guess the first thing to say is probably what, I mean, was the biggest surprise to me and I think will probably come as a shock to you guys. It was a little tacky.

No. It was a little bit tacky. That seems weird to me because- I know. He's a man, he's a Coppola. No. It was a little bit tacky. That seems weird to me because- I know. He's a man. He's a Coppola. Sure. They're known for taste.

And yeah, and they're vineyards. He's- No. So, okay. So it had just- Roman and Sophia are known for their aesthetic senses. Sure. Right?

And you'd think that he would follow in their footsteps. You'd think it would be a Wes Anderson-y type situation. You would think so. But no. It was just filled with random rich guy shit. Tell me about it. From, I mean- Catamaran?

Oh, God, I wish. I guess the first thing that caught my eye when I came in was an Egyptian throne. Uh-huh. So, you know, like something that the pharaoh would sit on. It was given the hard sell to me by one of the attendants. What were they asking for an Egyptian throne? Like $1,200. $1,200.

Is this like a pharaoh era Egyptian throne or is this a faux Egyptian throne? I don't imagine it was a pharaoh era. Is this just from the set of a Bengals video? Yeah, something like that. Yeah, what's Nicolas Cage's Egyptian? I was hoping for a lot more memorabilia. Yeah. I was hoping to just go into a closet and see every wig he's ever worn.

Like on one of those little wig heads that I could just like, oh, gone in 60 seconds. Which one do I choose? Possibly like a wig carousel. Yeah. And all the heads look like him. Right. They all look like him. And they're all saying things from the movie.

And they're haunted. I'm a vampire. Right. Are they look like him. And they're all saying things from the movie and they're haunted. I'm a vampire. Right. Are they haunted or is it just like a Hall of Presidents type situation? Oh, yeah. They're animatronics. It's a Hall of Cages. One of his extravagant purchases, animatronic heads for all his wigs.

Yeah. So, no. So, not a lot of memorabilia. I did get there a little bit late. So, you were there first day? Yeah, first day. I think it was a one-day thing. Okay.

Or at least the ticket place that I went to only had one day for the option. So, you know, it started at 9 and I got there around 11.30. Okay. It's not too late usually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what kind of crowd is there? It seemed to me – and I've only been to a few estate sales but it seemed to me a very estate saley crowd like kind of older busy body women and like uh kind of 50-ish year old gay guys and then but there are a couple people wandering

around looked just like comedy hipsters and we all like made eye contact like yeah check this out so yeah i could definitely see that like and, and everybody when I came in really, like, doted. And I could tell, like, oh, they're glad there's a young person here. Like, they're excited that a young person is at the estate sale. Yeah, I think that happens to me at estate sales sometimes. Sure. I know what you're describing. Yeah.

Wait, you've been to estate sales? I have frequented estate sales. You'll see me at an estate sale three weekends a month. Wow, I did not know that. What's the biggest celebrity estate sale you've ever been to? I have been to a couple celebrity estate sales, but there's people whose name I would forget. They're not

estate sales for major celebrities. It's just that part of the thing is that this person was on Charles in Charge. Okay. You know what I mean? Like the most would be like a Larry Hagman or something like that. Okay.

Not literally Larry Hagman. But someone about that famous. Yeah. Okay. I did once go to an estate sale of like a horror movie, like a B-movie horror movie producer. Okay. Who had a lot of weird like B-movie horror movie producer stuff in his house. Oh, neat.

of weird like B-movie horror movie producer stuff in his house. Oh, neat. But generally these – I avoid celebrity estate sales because they often have no taste. Right. And they're just sort of miscellaneous shit from the pottery barn. Yeah. This – I mean it seemed like this was that but miscellaneous foreign shit is what I would call it. Like the room that had the Egyptian throne also had like a suit of armor and, you know, like pictures of, you know, the canals in Venice, like no regard for, you know.

Sort of William Randolph Hearst type situation. Right. Exactly. If you've ever been to the Hearst Castle, it's just like I'm a rich guy and I'm going to buy everything I see that I like and throw it all into a room. Do you think it's possible that at some point Nicolas Cage took a steamer to the continent and went on the grand tour? Yeah. Picking up collectibles on the way and sending them home to his manse. Right.

Yeah. And he would just crate them up and leave them there. Yeah. Oh, so important to point out. This is the house that he lived in with his son. I forget his name. It's not Kal-El. One of his sons is Kal-El. Kal-El.

Yeah, no, it's not. He doesn't have a Superman name. He has a relatively regular name. And this is his son that is the death metal musician. Popular kind of internet thing is to, like pictures of nicholas cage and his son who is in that black white black hair white face death metal monster makeup his son named kumquat yeah kumquat or something like that bloodquat um so deathquat deathquat yeah death quad, yeah. So there was like, yes. Death quad, you eat the skin.

Yeah, great. Go ahead. Eat the skin. Eat the skin. So there was, and I had Weston. Weston. Weston Cage. Which hold his name is Weston.

Weston H Weston Cage. We're told his name is Weston. Weston Hilton Cage. So this kid's room was just like intact. Like his childhood room was just there with all of his like toys and games. That sounds kind of sweet. Yeah, it was. Like he died. Yeah, right.

No, it totally was. It was like that preserved room. And in his closet was a bunch of like um geez i played the violin as a kid and my mom saved all of my violins so if you go into like my closet as a kid you'll see like my little violin and up to the one i used in high school so you played the violin no totally yeah how many violins did you have how long uh a long time could you could you pick up a violin and play it right now? Kind of, yeah. I've tried it before, and I can kind of play some stuff. Like enough to complement a hoedown?

Yeah. Well, I can maybe play like a minuet or a waltz in G minor. Oh. Something like that. Is G minor, is that your? Maybe gavotte. Would you say that G minor is your groove zone? Totally.

Okay. Yeah. Would you say it's your core competency? I'm pretty good at the brown note. I can play that note that makes you shit your pants. Great. On the violin. Great.

So I was thinking of that, and this kid had that but with leather pants. There was, like, leather pants for a baby or a toddler. That's adorable. And the most heartbreaking thing that I saw, like something I considered buying but was too kind of heartbroken by it, was a backpack, a Jansport backpack. And all over it written in Sharpie was Mudvayne, Rammstein, Slayer. It was this kid's high school backpack where he wrote all his favorite metal bands in Sharpie. And it was just perfect.

It just looked exactly like that. And I'm like, oh, God, this is. They were selling that? They were selling it for three bucks. I know. Can I suggest that if there's any goths out there listening, a really cool new kind of goth to be. Because goths, they've exhausted the possibility. I mean, you're an industrial goth. You're a metal goth to be because goths they've exhausted the possibility

you're an industrial goth you're a metal goth you know like then you're fantasy goth you're a fairy goth the pickling goth number one

if you're a pickling goth send me whatever it is send them I don't care what it is send us your dark pickles your pig heart pickles you're in bed shade yeah you're

yeah okay but a fun a fun idea I have new beats Dark pickles. Pig heart pickles. You didn't bite shade? Yeah, you're, yeah. Okay, but a fun idea. Eye of newt. A fun idea for a type of goth to be is tragic childhood death goth, which means you live, your bedroom is like the preserved bedroom of a 12-year-old child that drowned in a well. Like a Victorian child. Oh, and you're like just the ghost. And you're the ghost.

Yeah. Exactly. So you wear like little sailor outfits and stuff. Oh, precisely. You get a giant lolly, but it's black and purple. Like your heart and dick. We're here creating subcultures. This is one of the most – I should have eight ounces of caffeine before every taping.

It's innovative. This is one of the most innovative programs we've ever recorded. Okay. So I allowed myself $100 to spend. I'm like, I can spend $100 at this thing. Did you have anything in mind going in? Not – I was like, okay, like memorabilia. Like I would want like a thing from a movie or something.

Do you have like a favorite Nick Cage movie? Boy, do I? I mean, there's the good Nick Cage movies, and then there's the oh my God Nick Cage movies. And I like both of them. I feel like when given good material, he's such a good actor. But also he can just be bonkers in a dumb movie, and it's crazy and kind of fun. He just throws himself into whatever he's doing. If you were going to pick two, one crazy one, one good one, what do you pick?

Good, we'll probably say in Raising Arizona. Right, sure. Crazy, hard to beat Face Off. Hard to beat Face Off. It's a good choice. Yeah. Late Crazy Cage, Drive Angry 3D, I think, has a lot of charm. Plus, Face Off is great because it's a non-sexual double entendre.

Yes. Which are hard to find. That is great because it's a non-sexual double entendre. Yes. Which are hard to find. That's true. That's a good point. Yeah, with a piece of punctuation in the title. You wouldn't call that punctuation. What is a slash? That's probably punctuation. Anyway, something. Hey, grammar nerds, don't want to hear from you.

Don't fucking care. I'll look it up when I get home. Shut it down. When I get home. Right now. If I see an at reply. Hands in pockets, grammar nerds. Yeah. So I'm kind of looking

for something from that. But I don't know. I'm there for the experience. Right. You know what I'd be looking for? That crocodile from Bad Lieutenant Porter Call New Orleans.

Oh, yeah, right. I bet he Port-A-Call New Orleans. Yeah, right? I bet he bought that. Or a crack pipe from Bad Lieutenant. Or just a crack pipe from his day-to-day life. Sure. So what I thought would be a good place to look would be like his library. So like all of his books were on sale. And I saw a guy walking out with a copy of Robert McKee's story, which I think like, oh, is this one from Adaptation?

I kind of like kicked myself for not getting there sooner to get that. But so, OK, Nicolas Cage's library, a lot of self-help books, a lot of self-help books. What I almost – oh, and big crates, not crates, but big cardboard boxes filled with unsold copies of the comic he and his son wrote together. It's called Voodoo Child. So, yeah. What kind of self-help books are we talking about? 14 Days to Not Being Batshit Crazy? Don't Let Your Wig Become You. Don't Let Your Wig Take Control. Eyes, Windows to the batshit crazy.

Yeah. Holy shit, you're Nicolas Cage. Don't use Werner Herzog as a role model. I'm okay, you're Nicolas Cage. I'm okay, you're O um yeah uh so just a lot of like a lot of shit you would see like at your mom's friend's house like you know six days to more intimacy yeah um you know blah blah blah blah i would think he'd be fucking swimming in intimacy. Right? I know. A lot of- That guy could be intimate any time he wants.

Yeah. A lot of like vintage encyclopedia Britannicas that kind of looked cool. Uh-huh. Like shelf fillers. Yeah, exactly. That's the thing, by the way. You can buy books by the foot. This is real.

You can buy books by the foot. This is real. You can buy books by the foot. Not books you care about. Wait, like Subway? Right, yeah. You get a six inch or a foot long. Salt and pepper,

oil and vinegar. Foot long comes with chubs. Yeah. They sell for decorators like old looking books by the foot. It seemed like there was a lot of that going on

although I would not be surprised if Nicolas Cage had read them all. Yeah. And then I saw I didn't end up buying this because, but I had, there was probably 20 minutes where I was going to buy a book called Sexual Secrets. It was

like a Kama Sutra book. Kama Sutra? Kama Sutra. Yeah. It was like a Kama Chameleon. Yeah, right. Exactly. So yeah, and I'm like, oh god, this Kama Sutra? Kama Sutra. Yeah. It was like a karma chameleon. Yeah. Right. Exactly. So, yeah. And I'm like, oh, God, this is Nicolas Cage's Kama Sutra book. Like, this would be a cool conversation piece. But it would be like, this is something I would have to have in my house.

And like, eh, hard to, you know. Unless someone knew it was Nicolas Cage's. Like, I would just look like a guy who had that. You would have to remove, carefully steam out the ex-libris stamp from inside. Right. And put it on the spine. Yeah, yeah. Not that I am against Indian sexual positions, but I don't know.

That's just not a kind of guy that I want to be. Honestly, they're not just for Indian people. I don't know. Pakistanis have their own set of rival sexual positions that Jordan prefers. That's true. Right. And it's a whole part of the whole nuclear standoff between Pakistan and India. Yeah.

Who can have the most gymnastic sexuality? Okay. So what? Excuse me. So library. So, okay. So I carried this around. I carried this around with me for 20 minutes.

I'm like, no, don't have this. Don't. A whisk? Did you look at the kitchen goods? Yeah. There's not a lot of. Oh, the coolest thing in the kitchen was like an industrial snow cone machine. Like something you would see at a fair to make snow cones.

An industrial one. Yes. For the snow cone industry. Right. Exactly. You know, for like factories. Right. For like oil derricks.

You guys who work on oil rigs who want a snow cone. Break time. Yeah, exactly. When the whistle blows, you punch out, you get a snow cone. That was kind of cool. There wasn't a lot of stuff in the kitchen. The kitchen was pretty bare. You'd think Nicolas Cage would be quite the home chef. You would think so, yeah.

But here is what I ended up buying. All there was was baking soda, Pyrex dishes, and huge bags of cocaine. Right. Anyway, keep going, Jordan. So I bought something. I bought a framed print called – I don't want to get this name right. It's just what the tag said. The print doesn't have any words on it, but the tag says, I think it said something like,

sacred geometric shapes for meditation. And I want to show this to you. It's just kind of this pattern. It's just kind of this, these symbols. I like that you're holding it and looking a little upset. Yeah. Was this taken at the estate sale? Yes, that's me in Nicolas Cage's dining room. You're going to send this to Brian so we can post it on this week's episode, right? This is, I mean, it's reasonably handsome. Yeah, and that's what I was thinking.

It won't look bad in my house. Right. And then when I tell people it was Nicolas Cage's, their fucking minds will be blown. Or, alternately, their panties will drop. One or t'other. Right. Or both. You do look very serious.

Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you, like, I need to use this meditation thing. Yeah. And when I asked one of the guys what it was, and he gave me this long rundown of, like, meditation shit that I could not wait for him to stop talking about. It was one of those things where I'm just like, oh, God, please stop talking about the body's natural vibrations and how you're supposed to zone in on this pattern.

You just played the brown note and ran. Yeah, exactly. He shit his pants. Lookie, I had my violin with me. What did that print sent you back? $65. That's a fair price. Yeah, I thought it violin with me. What did that print send you back? $65. That's a fair price. Yeah, I thought it was too.

Is it signed, numbered? It's not signed. It's not numbered. So yeah, it has no, you know. I mean, it could be just something he bought at Bed Bath & Beyond or something. Has it touched his junk? I assume so. Right.

If not, I'm going to call the estate sale company and ask. Oh, I also bought a copy of his comic book that they were greats of. It seems like that was nice of you. I have not read it yet. I'm excited to. I'm waiting for it. What happens in it, roughly speaking? The comic? Yeah. I didn't know it's called Voodoo Child. What's on the cover? Give me some idea of what's

happening here. Just kind of a dark image of a boy in some sort of swirling wasteland. Okay. So, yeah, I think it's – A classic swirling wasteland. Yeah, a classic swirling wasteland comic. You know, there's superhero comics, westerns, horrors, and then swirling wastelands.

Sure. SWs. Yeah. Yeah, I only – honestly, I only know about swirling wasteland comics from the interstitial stories in The Watchmen. Right. Exactly. Yeah. The Curse of the Black.

A classic. Swirling Wasteland. A classic thing. Were you happy with your experience going to the Nick Cage? I had a really good time. Again, I mean, oh, sorry. Yeah? Did you take a lot of photos while you were there?

That's one of the only photos. Oh, okay. Were other people? I think I would just go there just to take pictures of Nick Cage's house. I kind of thought that, sorry. Yeah. Did you take a lot of photos while you were there? That's one of the only photos. Oh, okay. Were other people? I think I would just go there just to take pictures of Nick Cage's house. I kind of thought that too. I kind of thought, yeah, I thought, but the demeanor, the like attitude of everyone was very like respectful, you know, like everybody was very, you know, no one was like cracking jokes.

You're there ironically, but. Yeah. And like, so I feel like I could kind of, you know, changed my demeanor to match everybody else's in the room. I had to like, to ask someone to take that picture of me, I was like, you know, felt a little bit embarrassed. It occurred to me who the most famous person that was estate sale I went to. Me and my friend Noe went to the estate sale of this man whose name is, I want to say Norwood something. Anyway, anyone who's ever been to Los Angeles would recognize his home, which was right in, what's that called? Larchmont. In your Larchmont neighborhood. It's a home that is in a, it's basically a big ranch house, but a big one.

And on the outside, ringing the entire front yard were, I'm going to say, 20-ish identical copies of Michelangelo's David. Oh, yeah. I totally know that place. You know that house exactly, right? So I learned about the man behind this. This guy was a 50-ish devotional slash R&B singer who had had some success in germany um had more plastic surgery than you can possibly like you look like joan rivers an african-american joan rivers um was undoubtedly a closeted homosexual, was very specific about not being gay.

He was hiding behind 20 replicas. 20 nude men, a wall of dongs. His man had it in his house. Like it was literally, it was an amazing experience. It was like a tiny version of the Liberace Museum, like just crystal chandeliers everywhere. Just a hundred crystal chandeliers in every room, like mirrors everywhere where there shouldn't be mirrors. Like every every like just if you imagine a form of distasteful extravagance it existed in this home but like I'm talking about like not nothing really

expensive because he was not a rich man but clearly some kind of up he just made some money somewhere and what was really weird about it is everything's on sale presumably because he's having some kind of financial difficulties because he spent all his money on Michelangelo Davids.

Were any of the Davids for sale? The Davids were for sale. Okay. They were cleared out. The home was for sale. What's a David go for these days? They were hundreds of dollars each. I remember considering buying one, but then I discarded it.

And what was really crazy was he was there. I was kind of hoping Nicolas Cage would be at mine with like a tray of snacks. Like maybe just like some cheese whiz on a cracker. Pig in a blanket. Yeah, sure. The guy. I want to see my wig heads. The guy was at the thing and just sort of presiding and giving people hugs.

And he, I mean, you know, like he's an inspirational singer. The very placid kind of madness that he had. You know, like a peaceful madness. And it was a big, me and my friend Noe, who's one of the sort of sweetest guys I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, like, on the one hand, we thought, well, maybe we should want to buy something. We definitely didn't want to buy anything. There's nothing there that we wanted to buy, even a little bit.

So then number two was, should we talk to him? And number three was, should we take a picture with him? Because it was a little bit uncomfortable. I wasn't sure whether me taking a picture with this, I mean, this man was kind of amazing. Like one of those people, like in San Francisco, there are these two old ladies, one of whom I think passed recently, who dressed, they're twins and they dressed identically and had lived together for 50 years. They dressed beautifully and identically every day. And, you know, they're like icons. You know what I mean?

And this guy was like that for Los Angeles distastefulness. And so I kind of wanted to take a picture with him, but then I was worried I was making fun of him. And then I ended up taking a picture with him and giving him a hug. Yeah. Because he was such a sweet man. Like, he was so clearly, like, he must have experienced some monstrous traumas in his life. Yeah. but had really dedicated his life to acquiring naked nude statuary, plastic surgery, and face makeup.

You know he had Little Richard makeup on? You know what I'm talking about? Just full-on plastered face. Did he have a little light mustache? He may have had a little light mustache. He definitely had a very impressive head of activated hair. His hair was sparkling. Sparkling in the sun.

I mean it seems like there's kind of a relationship if we use our two examples between crazy hair and financial troubles. That's a really good point. Do you think that both Nicolas Cage and this guy are in so deep because of some sort of like – Is it possible that Nicolas Cage went bankrupt because he spent so much money on Soul Glow? It could be. Because he couldn't figure out how to activate his hair. He won't activate it. Won't activate.

You didn't know you have to be an African-American gentleman. Maybe if I yell at it. Is that your Nick Cage? I like it. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, it's kind of breathy. Yeah. I found it to be sensual.

Thanks. I'm working on it. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, understands that she can reuse a nickname. We've had a lot of people feel like they have to come up with new nicknames. Just one stupid nickname is all you need. Just run it through. I'm not even sure if it counts as a nickname. It's more of like a tag line. I like it regardless. Would you say that's your slogan? Yeah, sure.

Are you running like a Don Draper type operation? I don't know if I would want people to just refer to me as easier said than done. Like I don't know if I would answer to that collection of words. What about Big E? Yes. Oh, yeah. There you go. Most def.

Short for easier. Right. Hey, how about bowparty.biz, Jordan? You should probably visit it. In your internet. The Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival this September on a cruise ship. What are you looking at? Number one, you're looking at John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats.

Number two, you're looking at John Roderick of the Long Winters. Number three, you're looking at Nellie Mackay. Somebody sent me an email. Why do I only refer to Nellie Mackay as the beautiful Nellie McKay and not John Darnielle and John Roderick? They're not beautiful. That's a good point. Nellie McKay is beautiful.

They're not. The strapping John Roderick. Mm-hmm. The gruff, powerful John Roderick. We were having an off-mic conversation about the bear community. Yeah, but they find John Roderick beautiful. If I was a bear, I would be deep into John Roderick. Sure. John Roderick, I'll tell you this about John Roderick.

He is one of the, our friend John Roderick, one of the only men I have ever seen who looked good missing a tooth. For a while there, he had a tooth missing, a front tooth missing. Like one of the main? Yeah. A key tooth.

He looked fantastic. He looked possibly even better missing a tooth. So that doesn't make sense. I know, right? It shouldn't be. He's a big man. He's from Alaska. He's beardy, and he's also an indie rock star.

Okay. And so he has a certain Bear Grylls-like quality. Bear Bryant? No, that's the football coach. What's the one from the 70s television? There's a bear from 70s television that I'm looking for. BJ and the Bear. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

Anyway, moral of the story is John Roderick, a strapping man, not a beautiful man. Dan Deacon, also not a beautiful man. That's our music lineup sure this is a pretty tremendous music lineup any way you cut it i mean who do you think goes on last i think deacon does i i heard he and his band fucking rock the party yeah high energy not contemplative no i mean maybe you can contemplate something but no intellectual certainly but not sure i mean this is a guy who you want to talk about Conlon Noncaro, the important avant-garde classical composer. Sure.

Why wouldn't you want to talk about that? If you want to talk about that, go on the cruise, talk to Dan Deacon. He's into it. What do we got on the comedy side? We're looking at Al Madrigal. We're looking at Jasper Redd. We got a fucking murderer's row of comedians, a John Hodgman. We got two people from the fucking Daily Show.

Yeah. That's your favorite show. Yeah. This is going to be – I'm assuming you're a Jew. This is going to be a blowout. Nick Thune. Now, Nick Thune is actually borderline beautiful.

He's up there. He's close. Closest of all the lineup, he's the closest. Yeah. Too good looking to be a comedian, definitely. And he is pretty graceful for a handsome dude. So I might be willing to say he's beautiful. Close.

It's not as beautiful as Nellie McKay, though. Yeah. But close. Anyway, among many others, you can see the full lineup online at boatparty.biz. It is going to be a fucking extravaganza. We're going to either Bermuda or the Bahamas. I don't remember. Come on, pretty mama.

There's a private island involved. There's going to be – we got Chuck Bryant from the Stuff You Should Know podcast coming. Neat. Talk about guys that would be a winner from the Stuff You Should Know podcast coming. Neat. That guy's a winner. Talk about guys that would be a winner in the bear community. Oh boy.

I believe Chuck Bryant to be a heterosexual man. I've never met any members of his family but I believe it. But if he wanted to get plowed by some bear enthusiasts he could.

He could. Absolutely. Or a cub. Sure. Whatever he wants. An otter. Whatever he wants. An otter.

That's something right? That's like a slimmer. An otter is Whatever he wants. An otter. That's something, right? An otter is like a slimmer. An otter is like a particularly shiny bear. Right. Who can use tools. Like a bisexual. Yeah, right. Like a, sure.

An otter is a bear that's really good opening up a clam. Sure. Jordan, you got a live date coming up, right? Hey, yeah. This week, if you're in the Southern California up, right? Hey, yeah. This week, if you're in the Southern California area, I'm doing the Risk Show. Our brother podcast? Yes.

Just our podcast here in the Maximum Fun Network? That is May 23rd at the Nerd Melt Theater. It's going to be a great time. Yeah, absolutely. So, yeah, go to that. Oh, I think Sklar Brothers and Thomas Lennon both will also be there. Can't beat that. You got a Lieutenant Dangle on there.

Yeah. This guy, he just sold a new show or something. I don't know. Probably. Probably sold. That's all that guy does. So yeah. Some people have asked me if it's going to be on the podcast. I don't know.

I think- Some of them end up on the podcast. Some of them don't. If it goes well, hopefully. I know that when I did mine, it was on the podcast, but it was on the podcast six months later, eight months later. If you want to see this and you live within driving distance of Southern California, get your ass out there. Yeah. Right?

Don't fuck this up for yourself. Don't not go. Don't ruin your life by making bad decisions. Sure. My dad did that. Yeah. He was an alcoholic, a drug addict. He ended up homeless.

He never came to my show either. He's been to several of our shows. He's been to a few of our shows. He went to a few Prank the Dean shows. Yeah. Back in the day. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Natasha la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Natasha Muse, easier said than done. Natasha, where are you from originally? I grew up in New Hampshire. New Hampshire. Yankee. You're a Yankee.

I am a Yankee. Thank you for this pot roast, by the way. You're welcome. Really good. Yeah, my mom made it for you. Thank you for this book of woodworking techniques. Of course. Your workshop is one of the best.

It's the original Yankee workshop, the old Yankee workshop. I brought you a big glass of snow. Thank you. Don't light these candles. Sorry. I don't mean to be shit about it. How long have you lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, Natasha? I've been out there for 15 years. 15 years.

Okay, let me ask you this. I know you're married. You have a child. That's true. How old is your child? She just turned 17 months. That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Our children are very similar in age. Yeah. How old's your... What? I'm trying to ask. I'm asking the question, sir, Natasha. I get excited.

I want to... How long have you... How long have you been married? Okay, almost five years. How long have you been with? Okay, almost five years. How long have you been with your wife? About seven or eight years. That's pretty good. Now, when did you decide to have a baby?

What were the circumstances? We just both wanted to have kids, so it was time to do it. Yeah, good. I mean, I don't know. It's weird. When you have kids, people, it's not like you either want to or you don't. Right. And when you're ready, it just feels like you're ready.

Jordan, you going to have some kids? I'd like to have some kids. I'm not. You're not in a kid's possibility relationship at the moment. Sure. Yeah. Right now you're still sowing your oats, if you know what I'm talking about. Exactly. You're out there playing the field, am I right? Yeah. And if I accidentally get someone pregnant, they'll probably have an abortion, if you know what I mean.

Hey, guys. No, no, yes. My future plan for myself includes kids. How many children are we talking about? Two. Natasha, how many children are you going to have? We have one, and then we actually just found out we have another one on the way. Congratulations.

Congratulations. You know that you're about three months behind me, right? What do you mean? Well, you're three months behind me with the first baby and three months behind me with the second baby. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, I'm like stalking you kind of. Yeah.

Baby stalking. Technically, we're both stalking Beyonce. I know. I'm so mad because I felt like my baby got kind of overshadowed by Blue or whatever. You think that Us Weekly. You got to give it a weirder name, I guess. Is that what you got to do? I called Us Weekly and offered to sell them baby pictures.

Really? They said they would only take the baby pictures if I gave them 10 bucks. There was no guarantee of publication. And it was not actually Us Weekly. It was just a man named U.S. Weekly. Ulysses S. Weekly. What happens when you – does your wife work? She does.

Yeah, she's the one that makes money in the family. Do you take care of the baby during the day? I do. See, you know the one that makes money in the family. Do you take care of the baby during the day? I do. See, you know the answer to all these questions. I'm just trying to paint a picture of your family life. You're a working comic. Is it a challenging occupation to have a baby and be a working comic? Yeah, it's definitely difficult.

Are there any baby-friendly comedy shows that maybe start at like 2 in the afternoon that you can go to and the other comics maybe bring their babies. They're particularly soothing. Yeah. Sure. And we just do the comedy for babies. Which is jingling keys. Yeah, just jingling keys. Just for like five minutes.

Just totally killing. Is your child a son or a daughter? She's a girl. Okay. Does your daughter know about any jokes yet? What does your daughter think is funny at this point in her life? She just likes being lifted up and then feeling that sudden drop. But I don't actually let her fall to the floor.

You don't drop her onto the ground. No. I mean once I hit her head on a table, but we're cool now. We're cool. My sister-in-law, when she was like 12 maybe, 11, 12, something like that, my brother-in-law was like three or something. My sister-in-law holding my brother-in-law in her arms. No, this is even younger.

I'm going to say like 11 and one and a half or two. And holding the baby in her arms, my wife, then a teen, said, oh, there's a bug on you. My sister-in-law fully dropped the baby on the ground. Oh, man. Full on dropped the baby on the ground. Like screamed and went, ah! And the baby just fell on concrete. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. Concrete. I mean, isn't that kind of every parent has that moment where they just accidentally hurt their child so bad and never really get over it? I had to hear from our friend Stephan Lawrence and his wife, Biz Ellis, who does One Bad Mother with my wife. One piece of advice that – the one piece of advice that Stephan gave me when Simon was born was they're pretty close to indestructible. Yeah. That was his advice. He's like, I mean, be careful with knives and choking.

Drowning issue. Electricity. Soft spot. Missiles. Don't let them stick any forks into anything. But in terms of falling over and hitting their heads, they can take a lot of punishment. Yeah. They're really built like a tank.

Yeah. But the first time that you hurt them, you just feel like the worst person in the world. Well, you are. And then you have to call up the hospital and let them know what you did and that's your punishment. Right. To be fair, Natasha, I've never hurt my child. Really?

And so you probably are the worst person in the world. I don't think any other parents have ever hurt their children. I think you're the first and you are now the worst person in the world. I knew there was something I didn't like in the mirror. You took a look in the mirror. You had some real deep shit going on. You weren't able to put your finger on. When you look in the mirror, it's just a swirling wasteland yeah exactly oh okay people okay let's let's get to momentous occasions here

when something momentous happens to our listeners we ask that they call us our telephone number 206 984 for fun put in your fucking telephone right now you're listening on your telephone probably take it out 206 984984-4-FUN. Will that interrupt their listening? It should. No, it doesn't have to. Phones can... Probably do both. Okay. You can continue to listen while you're typing in your phone number. Don't call

the number right now. No. You don't have anything momentous to say. Yeah. Right? I guess putting it in the phone is kind of momentous, but not... Not notably momentous. Yeah. Not play it on the show momentously. Wellous, but not – It's not notably momentous. Yeah, not play it on the show momentous. Well, I mean maybe there's someone that's a shut-in, right? They never want to contact anybody.

Maybe this is a big first step for somebody. To have – Just typing in a number in. Do they go to the Verizon store to get their phone? I'm sure you can do everything online. You can internet it. You can just internet it. I got it.

Yeah, I guess so. 206-984-455. Shut-ins only. Shut-ins only. Give us a call. You're listening to Church for Shut-ins. I'm Reverend Jesse Thorne. I'm Pastor Jordan Morris. And I'm Choir Director Natasha Mewes. How many calls we got this week? Three calls. Let's play the first one. How many calls we got this week? Three calls.

Let's play the first one. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, and guests. This is David calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, with Momentous Occasion. About a year ago, I went back to school full-time when I was 30, through the good graces of my wife, studying television and video production. And just the other day, I had my very first original TV show put on the air through Milwaukee Public Television. Very cool. I got to put an hour about Wisconsin beer on the air, and I got entirely too drunk watching it.

Good times. Have a good one, guys. What proportion of public television content in Wisconsin is about beer? About 8%. Eight? Yeah, by volume. By volume. Jordan, what are you thinking? I think if it's not explicitly about beer, the people in it are drunk.

So, on on beer specifically. In my imagination, all television shows in Milwaukee are hosted by a former brewer's shortstop, Dale Svame. Svame. S-V-U-E-M. Svame. Sounds pretty good. I mean, it sounds like this might be a step up from your usual kind of public access fare. If he's on Milwaukee Public Television, that sounds like the real deal.

Yeah, absolutely. The Big Show, they call it. Yeah. Cheese Weekly is a big show on that channel. Sure. When you're talking about local – I mean the big shows, you're talking American Experience. Right. You know, Antiques Roadshow. Of course, Sesame Street. And then you've got Hops and Such. This is different than – this is public access.

This isn't PBS, right? No, I think this is a public television station. Oh, nice. That's what I think. I think this guy made a documentary for his local public television station. Okay. Not public access. Gotcha.

I don't think this guy is fucking around with public access TV. And if you are, we're sorry. We're insulting you. He's not some low-rent Chris Gethard. Sure. The king of public access television. And if you are, we're sorry. We're insulting you. He's not some low-rent Chris Gethard. Sure. The king of public access television. Right. He's no Wally George.

He's not that guy in Santa Cruz who used to record his whole show in front of a Star Wars sheet. What was his, like, a bed sheet? Boy, there was some weird public access stuff up there. What was his catchphrase? Get over it? He had a really solid catchphrase, the guy that recorded it. It was like take a hike or something. Take a hike yet.

We'll think of it. Yeah. We'll get there. Was it hang it up? Was that how you thought of hang it up? No, it wasn't hang it up, but it did help inspire hang it up. Okay. It was not hang it up, but there was a period where my high school roommate, Eroticus, I mean, my college roommate, Eroticus, would say it a lot.

Yeah. I think it was take a hike. Give me a break. Yeah. Get a life. Turn it off. Suck my dick. And he would just talk about just, he was a middle-aged bald man in front of a Star Wars sheet in his garage just monologizing.

Sounds like a pretty cool sheet. In the background, in the background, you can hear his kids. Tell me more about this. Tell me more. Empire Strikes Back. Is this an original

trilogy sheet? I think it was a Jedi sheet. Okay. Return of the Jedi sheet. Was it some kind of menace? It was definitely a phantom menace sheet. This was original

trilogy era. Okay. Not prequels. Yeah, this isn't re-releases either. It's nothing from the novelization. No. Let's take our next call.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Goh. This is Will in Phoenix calling with a momentous occasion. Last week I was accepted into a master's degree program, which is ranked number two in the country. Just before I called you guys, I just was offered a job that's going to rocket me into the middle class for the first time in my life. And to top it all off, I just found two coupons each for two free Jack in the Box tacos that don't expire until tomorrow afternoon. So I'm pretty good.

Somebody made the mistake of getting rid of those early. Yeah, right? Nice. Just because those tacos are fucking disgusting. God, those are the worst. Yeah. I feel like those Jack in the Box tacos, people have a lot of childhood affinity for them. It's like this childhood comfort food.

Oh, they're so gross. This is great. It's going to be his last working class meal. Oh, yeah. And then it's all caviar and like a middle class person. Yeah, middle class. Caviar and baguettes. Sometimes I'm here in Southern California, I'll see like a Taco Bell or a Del Taco, regional taco chain.

And I'll find myself thinking like, there's a real taqueria across the street. Yeah. They're not even expensive. Sure. You know, like, why are you going to Taco Bell? to Taco Bell. But that having been said, given the choice between a Taco Bell taco and a Jack in the Box taco, right? Like, who is going to Jack in the Box for a taco?

I don't think that's a non-issue. Really? Yeah. Is it an identical product? I think this is a comparable thing. Do you think that because Taco Bell has taco in the name? That's their specialty. Yeah.

comparable thing you think that because Taco Bell has taco in the name that's their specialty yeah I think if you're going like bare bones I don't

I think Taco Bell's gross I I've never enjoyed it I also think Taco Bell's gross don't get me wrong I'm just saying if you want a taco go to the taco people

I think that's probably probably a non-issue yeah if I look yeah if I want a musical toy

I'm going to Jack in the Box I'm sure yeah if I want a musical toy, I'm going to Jack in the Box. Sure. If I want to do some cranking, sure. J and the B. Sure. You make your own rub. Yeah. I think that I might even say that you might even want to go Jack in the Box taco if it's a Sophie's Choice situation.

Really? Yeah. I've only eaten a Jack in the Box once in my life. It was between San Francisco and Los Angeles. It was so fucking disgusting. You forget. I think if you go for a long time without eating a fast food hamburger from one of your shittier places. I was in an airport the other day.

I was at the Los Angeles International Airport. I had to get some food for my lunch to bring on the airplane because I was riding on an airplane that didn't have lunch food. And the main choice is Burger King. And ordinarily what I do in this situation is I get chicken nuggets. Yeah, that's always a good call, I think. Yeah, because it's- That's pretty tasty, even. Yeah, it tastes okay and very inoffensive.

It's not going to upset your stomach too much, as long as you're okay with a heavier food. Yeah, mostly chicken. But I was like, you know what? I'm going to get myself a Whopper with cheese. America's favorite burger, they will say. It is fucking foul. I mean, it is just one of the grossest things I have eaten.

It is like eating a bowl of mayonnaise with a pickle in it and like a slice of cardboard. Like so gross. And it makes me wonder like In-N-Out Burger, for example, Southern California chain. In-N-Out Burger, I mean, it's like gross food. Like it's not, you know, we're not talking about a healthy item or a gourmet item. It's just a burger that's been cooked on either side and put inside a bun and put a pickle and some ketchup on it and whatever. It tastes pretty good. Sure.

I mean, I'm not going to do any pilgrimages to go eat an In-N-Out burger, but it's a pretty good tasting thing. If I need fast food, I can get that. But this other thing is so fucking gross. You know what I think it is? And I think especially with airport, I think that if someone had the ingredients, the same fast food ingredients, the Burger King ingredients that they throw into that thing, and they just made it right there and handed it to you, it would probably be okay. But I think probably people who work here just don't give a fuck and everything is real old and cold. Yeah.

Yeah. I think there's probably a better – You don't want to eat a real old burger. Yeah, because I feel like I have – like I'll have a fast food experience where I'm like, hey, you know what? Pretty good. Good use of five bucks. And then sometimes that really foul one will happen. I'm like, what was the difference?

Like what was that? I think it's just – Colder. Colder and older. Yeah. I think it's the drop. Older and older, yeah. I think it's the drop.

You know how they say like when you buy a new car, the value decreases after you drive it off the lot exponentially? I think once that fast food burger is five minutes old, it starts to get gross real fast. And it loses that new car smell. Sure. Yeah. I like to put one of those pine trees in there. That's what you're missing. Because, yeah, I feel like I got a – for my clout perk the other day.

You get clout perks, right? What? Wait. What's a clout perk? So the website Clout, which – Is that really a thing? Ranks – I get a lot of stuff from Clout. Okay. I got an Esquire cookbook.

I got a razor and some nice shaving cream from the Dollar Shave Club. Jordan, you realize that Clout has now used you to buzz market their products using your social media influence. I just did it. Because you won on our podcast. Keep on sending it, guys. You are internetting so hard right now. And I got a McDonald's arch card.

I've gotten several McDonald's arch cards. Yeah, I feel like I had just a tiny cheeseburger from McDonald's the other day. It was just fucking really delicious. What kind of dollar value are you getting on one of these Arch cards? You get five bucks. Five bucks? Yeah. What do you get for five bucks from McDonald's?

Yeah. Cheeseburger, small fries, iced tea. You get one of those sweet teas? No. No, no. Too sweet. Yeah. Sweet teas.

I can't handle sweet tea. Too gross. Too sweet. Yeah. Yeah. No, I feel like. But if you get one of those McDonald's burgers hot, it can be kind of a treat. Sweet.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like, but if you get one of those McDonald's burgers hot, it can be kind of a treat. But if it has been out more than five minutes, then it becomes like, you know, eating a weird plastic. Weird plastic. You know, that's funny. I was at Jack in the Box the other day. I ordered a burger, and they just gave me that thing that comes off from underneath the cap of a gallon of milk. You know what I'm talking about? That pull strip.

And I ate it. I asked for a barbecue sauce. They charged me a quarter. I ate it, but I don't know what I got out of it, you know, nutritionally. Sure. Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse. I don't know if this is appropriate for your podcast or not.

It probably isn't. By the way, I'm Diego calling from Utrecht in the Netherlands. Wait, pause this. Pause this, Brian. Thank you, guys. This is a man named Diego calling from Utrecht. Wait, since when did we become popular in the consular core? Hey, Diego, how about have an accent that sounds like where you're from? Right?

Come on. What are you, some kind of immigrant? Can I say, I was hanging out the other day. I went to the Dodgers game the other day with Humphrey Carr, a past Jordan Jesse Go guest, a British comedian, Humphrey Carr, baseball fan for some reason. And Humphrey did a Dutch guy accent, which I didn't know was a kind of accent that people could do. But I guess England is much closer to the Netherlands than the United States is.

You just run into a lot more Dutch. And it was amazing. He just dropped into a Dutch guy voice with a lot of like Ks or something. Did you recognize it as a Dutch guy voice? Immediately. I was like, what are you, Dutch? Yeah. You know what I mean?

Who are you, Anne Frank? Famous. I should mention that he also said he hoped the Nazis didn't discover him in his under-the-floor hiding place. Anyway. Okay, go back to the beginning of Diego's call, and let's play it again.

We salute you, Diego. Jesse. I don't know if this is appropriate for your podcast or not. Brian, get ready to bleep this. By the way, I'm Diego calling from Utrecht in the Netherlands. I just wanted to thank you guys for your podcast and for the entire MaxFun network. My girlfriend of two and a half years dumping me about three weeks ago and my dad passing away this morning, it's really helped me through some rough spots.

I don't know if you guys were aware of that, but I figure it merits a thank you. Yeah. Thanks a lot, guys. Bye. Thank you, Diego. Brian, would you go back and remove the stuff we're looking at in front of him a little bit? I'm feeling bad about that now. That was like the most sincere.

I feel like I've dropped a baby at this point. Dropped a baby in E-Trek?Trek we really dropped a baby on that one yeah wow this poor man there was so much emotion in this room I was ready to excoriate him for the long pauses

at the beginning of this call it turns out he's gathered this kind man is gathering. He's overwhelmed with emotion. He's gathering his emotions so he can graciously tell us that our dick jokes have made a difference in his life. I thought he was building to the grossest thing ever. Yeah.

When he said, I don't know if this is appropriate or not. I just got fucked in the ass with a pickle. Yeah, right. Or, yeah, it's the Netherlands, so he participated in some weird shit porn or something. That could have been. It also involved a pickle. Oh, Diego. Oh, I'm very sorry about those horrible losses.

You know, sometimes we do get emails like this from time to time. We do get emails like this from time to time and it's very sincerely touching when people say something. You know, it's given me a real understanding of how much good natured – the value of good natured nonsense in the face of pain and adversity. Yeah. No, I feel like I – it's easy to regard this as stupid, which it is. Granted. But yeah. I think we can stipulate to it being stupid.

Sure. Unless you have an objection. But yeah, I think it is that – I feel like when I am going through a tough time, it is like silly light stuff that is more helpful to me. I mean I've never been one of those guys who deals with a bad time by like turning on The Cure or something like that. I've always been baffled by those people. Yeah, I don't understand why you would want to encourage yourself to think about the thing that's bothering you. Just stand in the swirling wasteland. Yeah, right, exactly. That is my favorite Cure album, though.

We run from our emotions. Sure, exactly. Flee. But, yeah, it is nice to have something kind of that you can count on as being kind of ridiculous and fun in those times, for sure. So our condolences, of course, Diego. Sure. Thank you for taking the time to do that. Yeah.

Probably a good next step would be to send us some weird Dutch candy. Yeah. Dutch pickles. I don't know. Yeah, we'll take Dutch pickles. Sure. Possibly something. I'm going to guess Dutch candy is primarily decorated with-

Donald Duck. Decorated with- Donald Duck. I'd say 50% Donald Duck, 50% circa 1930s pictures of African natives. Sure. Yeah, with like a bone through their nose. I don't know a lot about Dutch culture. Send us some weed, dude. Yeah, we want to blaze.

That's fine. Don't send us weed. You'll probably go to jail. You'll probably go to jail. We'll probably go to jail. There's plenty of weed here also. It is really hard to get weed, so please mail it to us. Natasha actually was offered some weed on the way here. I think so.

We think. I think. I walked by. I was in MacArthur Park because I had a little extra time to kill. And I walked by a Latino man. And I think he said mota. And we think that means weed. I'm pretty sure mota means weed.

It might have been a reference to former baseball player Manny Mota. Yeah. Or he might have been saying he wanted to motorboat me. And I got so much out of it. And that's his familiar nickname for the active motorboat. But he couldn't, like, you know, he's grassy. He didn't have great English. So he's like, motor goes in water.

Yeah. My Hispanic guy voice is worse than my Nicolas Cage voice. Your Hispanic guy voice is actually a Czech guy. Right. I'm from Prague of Spain. I want to put my face on your ocean vessel. You know,

powered by gas. We have good time. Yeah, we have good time. I put my face in your gas vessel water conveyance. What? We'll be back

in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Natasha News, easier said than done. I've had a great time on this program. I'm crashing right now.

I want to make that clear. Yeah, your gratitude levels are diving. Can I say someone posted, we had this discussion about service merchandise on the program, which is a store where you would buy things out of a catalog, then they'd go in the back and get it for you. And I alluded to the fact that there was one at 16th and Mission when I was growing up. And 10,000 people emailed me to say that it's called service merchandise or consumers something or other,

or best, I think, is the one that they have in Canada and the UK. But one person posted on the forums, yeah, that closed around 1990. It was back behind the BART station. And that young lady that posted in the forums, it was her first ever forum post, and I just wanted her to know that that meant a lot to me. That she knew it was back behind the BART station. That specific part. Because it was.

It was back behind the BART station. Where the Walgreens is now? Yeah. Fucking Natasha knows. Yeah. Sure. Natasha's no stone jug. Back by where the Walgreens is.

You had to go down a chute. I don't know. It didn't have the same. The Walgreens has an entrance that's almost on Mission Street there. But if you walked past that entrance back further back towards the basically towards parallel to the end of the BART station plaza, that's where your entrance was, as I recall. So you just would go in there and just talk to the clerk? Give me a 2922. That's one of those digital watches

that transforms into a little robot. Oh, that's so adorable. Another thing that I may have dreamed, but I don't think I dreamed. No, I had one of those. That's an 80s thing, for sure. Well, we've sorted all this out. Had a lot of insights. We've talked about New Hampshire.

New Hampshire? Yeah, yeah. Tell me one great fun thing about New Hampshire that people who aren't from New Hampshire wouldn't know. Actually, it's like the whitest state by capita. That does sound fun. Is that fun? I love whites. They're great.

It's a good place to leave. It's nice to leave. They say live free or's a good place to leave. I don't know. It's nice to leave. They say live free or die, but the third option is just to maybe leave. I would say there's two good things about New Hampshire. Yeah. You can leave it. Yeah.

And get yourself a nice farmhouse. You can. Robert Frost. Yeah. Sure. He's got that farm there. One of my favorites. Yeah. I actually literally went down the road Les traveled.

Okay. Behind his farm. Can I tell you guys something? Yeah. I actually literally went down the road Les traveled. Okay. Behind his farm. Can I tell you guys something? I love poems and poetry. Oh. I'm nuts for poems and poetry. I can't get enough. See, I just like poems. You don't like things that are poetic. Yeah, no. From the ecstatic verses of Maya Angelou

to the doggerel verse of Calvin Trillin. I love creative uses of language. W.B. Yates, William Butler Yates, probably wrote some poems. Sure. I'm out of poems. That's basically all there is, right? William Carlos Williams?

Yeah. It's one, two. WCW? Do you think the WCW was named after William Carlos Williams? Yeah, it's one, too. WCW? Do you think the WCW was named after William Carlos Williams? And then they changed over to World Championship Wrestling? Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. I mean, William Carlos Williams wrestled with a lot of-

Vince McMahon or whatever, just one day he was eating this really fucking good plum. Sure. And he's like, I've got it, the name for my wrestling league. And he's like, guys, we're calling it WCW. Reverse engineer that shit. That's why the famous heel in the WCW was the country doctor. Yeah, absolutely. He was the original heel.

You know, for guys that don't know anything about poetry, we worked up a really good chunk on William Carlos Williams here. Sure. I am. I'm workshopping that. It's going to be part of my Comedy Central special. Jordan, little did you know that your English degree would go directly to use in your career

in the entertainment industry. You also wrote that book about Shakespeare. Yeah, right. Exactly. Shakespeare, history's greatest fraud. Oh, I mean history's greatest frog. It's a book for kids. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number.

JJGO at MaximumFun.org is our email address. We're on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. People can catch Natasha once a month in San Francisco, right? Yeah, I've got my own talk show. More than once a month, but with her own show

once a month in San Francisco. I've got my own live talk show. I've got a sidekick. I've got a guy that has signs that say applause and, you know, laughter. Is that for the benefit of the recording? Yeah. Yeah, we have comedians on, and then I interview them afterwards, and we do, like, funny sketches and weird bits. I rip off Carson.

Do you do a Swami bit? I do. I do Psychic Natasha. There you go. Cool. Yeah, because, you know, I'm psychic and gay, so that makes me homeopathic. Right. So, yeah, I do that bit.

Yeah, we have a great time. Do you also rip off Carson's emotional distance? His trademark emotional distance? His impenetrable air of Midwestern calmness? I'll be divorcing my wife soon, so that'll be fun. Moving out to a ranch? I was going to say that I got with Dom DeLuise. You're going to fax back and forth with David Letterman.

Sure. I study magic. Yeah, sure. I'm going to bring on famous charlatans and expose them. Yeah, so I think this sounds like a great show. Where can people find it? It's on the second Sunday of every month at the Actors Theater, and that's in San Francisco. You just go to my website, natashmuse.com.

Now, if people don't, let's say people don't live in San Francisco, but they do live in within driving distance of San Francisco, Richmond, Concord, Milpitas. Right, Oakland. Oakland. San Mateo. Colma.

Do you think this is worth the trip? Yeah, let's say yes. Yeah, sure. I think it is. Actually, you know what? What the fuck are you doing? When you're leaving? You're a fucking Milpitas.

What the fuck are you doing? When you're leaving, you'll be telling yourself, that was worth it. Even if you don't believe it right away. You'll just keep saying that until you don't feel like you wasted a night. But we have a good time. Think about it, Concord, California.

Here's your choices. You go to San Francisco, the Actors' Theater. You go see Natasha's show. Alternately, what do you do? Hang out at the BART station? What the fuck is there? I agree. Play soccer in the cul-de-sac?

Get your ass to San Francisco. Go to the Actors' Theater.. We have some fun. Go see Natasha's show. What's it called? A Funny Night for Comedy? Yeah. Funny Night for Comedy Actors Theater. Once a month.

Let's do this. If you don't do this. Oh, boy. Oh, the crash hit him hard. Oh, boy. Now you're getting mad. I'm going to see you. You're getting ungrateful.

You're just slumping. Getting mean. I own two. The innovation is gone. I own two- The innovation is gone. I own two metal softball bats. Oh, boy. I will give you a fucking pounding. Wow.

I will come to Milpitas. Brian, bleep all of this. I will come to Milpitas, California. I don't know how I'll get there. Bleep the thing about rubs, too. Some kind of commuter rail. I'll fucking pound you. I'm going to start with your lower back, then crack the back of your head until your brain

gets some Dr. Peppers in here. Get a tab. Until your brain spills out on the skull. Then I'm going to poke your brains with the handle of the bat. You're going to be like, ow, ow, ow, ow. You can still feel it. You're not dead yet. Are you going to make them eat their own brains?

Yeah, I am. I'm going to lift their chin up and down. I don't think Natasha wants her show affiliated with this borderline hate crime. Everybody's forgotten what this is about anyways. Then I'm going to tase them to juice them back up.

Oh boy. I carry a taser. You're allowed to bring that on the commuter rail. You're not allowed to bring softball bats. You're allowed the commuter rail. You're not allowed to bring softball bats. You're allowed to bring tasers. You're not allowed to bring a firearm. Firearm would be too quick and easy for somebody that missed this opportunity. Oh, sure. You want them to suffer.

What the fuck are you doing? Now, granted, if you're in Sunnyvale, you know, get some pho. Sure. Go to Rooster Teeth Feathers. You're going to go to Rooster Teeth Feathers and see our friend Jimmy Pardo. Yeah. Who's there every six months for some reason. Oh, because he's great.

Yeah. Yeah. Because the people of Sunnyvale appreciate him. Rooster Teeth Feathers, cock-a-doodle-doo. He always is funny. You ever played at Rooster Teeth Feathers? I have. Yeah.

Natasha knows about Rooster Teeth Feathers. I do. Which is a real comedy club. It totally is. Believe it or not. I say, next time Pardo's there, you're hosting. I'm going to make it happen. Please.

Rooster Teeth Feathers, cock-a-doodle-doo. Yeah, tell Heather. I'll get Heather on the line. Tell her that whole bat thing. That bat thing. Yeah, it's a heavy metal bat. Hi, I'm public radio host Jesse Thorne. Is this Heather from Rooster Teeth?

I've got some bad news for you. You're cruising for a bruising. Sunny D on the boards. Hey, visit MaximumFun.org. Subscribe to our new podcast. You know what I mean? Yeah. Give another show a shot.

Yeah. You're getting tired of this one. It's run its course. We're in a rut. You know who's on Bullseye this week? Hmm. Mel fucking Brooks. Check it out. Yeah. You're getting tired of this one. It's run its course. We're in a rut. You know who's on Bullseye this week? Hmm. Mel fucking Brooks. Check it out.

Wow. I met and interviewed Mel Brooks. If that's not a reason for you to give Bullseye a shot, how about this? The other interview is about a guy named Father Yod who ran a cool cult that had a psychedelic rock band in the early 70s in Los Angeles. Oh, cool. I want to go see that movie. It's a pretty good movie.

Yeah? Yeah. Well, I won't tell you how it ends. Is that Jesus the Superstar? It is, yes. It's actually the nom de rock

of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Nom de cult. That would be great if Andrew Lloyd Webber had his own cool theatrical cult in the early 70s. It would be very cool. Oh, that would his own cool theatrical cult in the early 70s. It would be very cool.

Oh, that would be fun. I like those 70s cults. Those are funny. There's the best cults. No, totally. It was the golden age of cults. They all died out. I guess to some extent the Middle Ages were probably the golden age of cults because then people really were susceptible.

Because of the cults. Yeah. There was that one about 2,000 years ago that started. Yeah, that one is really solid. Really good cult. Really good one. But I do wear this bracelet that says WWFYD for what would Father Yod do. Father Yod, can I give you a couple of factoids about Father Yod before we close this thing out?

Okay. Will it ruin the movie? These aren't going to ruin the movie. These are before he became Father Yod. He shot down 13 Japanese airplanes in World War II. Good. Got a distinguished service honor, a silver star or something. I can't remember which one he got.

Killed two men in two separate incidents with judo chops. Pretty good. He judo chopped people to death on two occasions. Was he deadlier than L. Ron Hubbard? Notably deadlier. What kind of rub do you use in those chops? That's it for this week's program. Natasha Mews has been our guest and and a delight, and a delight indeed.

We'll let her get back to her in-laws. Thanks so much for having me. We'll be back next time. Thanks for doing it. On Jordan and Jessica. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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