Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 278: Herman's Headache with Rhea Butcher

Episode Date: June 10, 2013

Comedian and podcaster Rhea Butcher joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of skateboarding, Taco Bell, organizing remotes, and everyone eats some european candy sent in by a listener.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse.

Guess what I've got? Empty nest syndrome. Oh, no. You've finished your DVD box set of Empty Nest. And now my balls are itchy. Or you got a disease from your DVD box set of Empty Nest. I shouldn't have rubbed it on my junk. Yeah, probably.

What was Empty Nest a spinoff of? Golden Girls? I don't know. Let's bring in our guest, Rhea Butcher. She probably knows. Rhea Butcher, of course, stand-up comedian. Spinoff expert. One of the panelists on Max Fun's own Wham Bam Pow. Hi, Rhea. How are you?, stand-up comedian. Spinoff expert. One of the panelists on Max Fund's own Wham Bam Pow. Hi, Rhea. How are you? Hello, Jesse. I'm fantastic. Do you know

what Empty Nest was a spinoff of? I believe you're correct. It's a Golden Girls spinoff. I think Jordan's correct. Brian Fernandez. Sunny D over there is absolutely emphatic. He is very clear on this point. Never before has he answered our query with such alacrity.

I have – actually, it's funny that you have that because I actually came down with deciding women syndrome. Maria's got Herman's head. Oh, God. It's Herman's headache. It's just splitting me into multiple personalities. You need to take a couple of Herman's aspirin. Exactly. My wife and son went to, what do they call that?

The San Francisco Bay Area for a wedding shower. For a pack of cigarettes. And they are not coming back. And so I dropped them off at the airport this morning. I went immediately to softball practice. I had softball practice, went well, came home. And then I realized immediately upon arriving at my house, I have no memory of what I do when I'm not supposed to be doing something. Like I do – I have no clue.

Like I sat down in a chair. Yeah. Maybe like – have you thought about maybe starting like just some plotting, some general plotting? Like, I mean. Like a scheme type plot. Like a heist or, you know, a murder. I don't know. I'm just spitballing here. You don't have to do heist or murder. But yeah, I mean, it's just like something, you know, that's like time consuming. You have to have a lot of different scenarios for. Jordan, have you been sneaking a peek in my composition book?

I have. And I know that you are creating a weather machine. I probably shouldn't have written the perfect crime right on the front. Yeah. My plans. My Jesse Thorne. My plans, parentheses, criminal. By Jesse Thorne. And then my parentheses, criminal. By Jesse Thorne. And then my plans, lunch, on the next page. File under nefarious.

Oh, a sandwich. That is a good idea. That's the criminal part. What happened is I had the idea I'll watch the baseball game on my MLB.TV, But the baseball game hadn't started yet. And I really couldn't think of anything to do besides work. Yeah. I came up with work. Do a little bit of work. Did you organize the remotes?

That's my go-to. When I get home and I have nothing to do, I just... How many remotes are you packing at the house? Like four or five for nothing because we don't even have a TV. So I just have the remotes for an old television and then a tiny TV that doesn't actually really work. That was a gift, which was very sweet. But, hey, it's actually smaller than my laptop screen. Is it a Sony Watchman?

Yeah, it absolutely is. And then I have like a couple, you know, like hard drive players, you know, because I was pre-Apple TV. So I have a couple of those and then my little computer remote. So I have tons of remotes. Biggest to smallest? How are you organizing these? Oh, yeah. Alphabetical?

Biggest to smallest. Yes. Left to right. Biggest to smallest. I got bad news. I got bad news, Rhea. What's that? I got a universal remote.

That's the best news. I don't know how I can. I don't know how to organize. How am I supposed to organize a universal? Well, I mean, you, Rhea. What's that? I got a universal remote. That's the best news. I don't know how I can, I don't know how to organize. How am I supposed to organize a universal? Well, I mean, you can adjust it. You can put it on different surfaces and find the ultimate surface. It's got to be on the ledge. Okay. If it's not on the window ledge, I don't know where it would be.

You're a window ledge guy. Well, I have my side table. You put it there to cool. Yeah. You don't want it to be too hot. You got to watch out for hobos trying to steal it. Yeah, you hobos might make off with your universal remote. I have, well, my television area.

Yes. My television and home stereo area. We moved it upstairs to get it away from the sleeping baby. Because my wife has more acute hearing than I do, I think. I think maybe just less years of loud music and headphones. And so I like to turn it up. I like to turn my stereo up to 50. She prefers it when the baby's nearby at 35, which is a lot less than 50.

And so I have a hard time hearing dialogue in movies. And I'm always like, Teresa, I can't tell what's happening. And so we move the TV upstairs. We only got one chair. That one chair, you got a ledge on the right. You got a fire safe on the left that I use as a sort of side table. Okay. What's – so how does –

Okay. Okay. Huh. Teresa sits – but she likes sitting on the ground generally speaking. She's always – she will choose to sit on the ground if that's an option. Okay. Like a zen kind of a Japanese garden type of a TV watcher. Yeah, exactly.

Where the floor is covered with sand. Raking all the time. Just all the time because you've got to walk over it just to get to the TV. You're like the dog in Alice in Wonderland. Just to show her who's boss, you should start making your chair more and more opulent. Oh. So like if someone was to, you know, like, you know, chalice on the arm. Right.

Like retractable chalice. A retractable chalice? Yeah. Would you mean it's on a string? Yeah, yeah. And it snaps back? Mm-hmm. Like the ring that you pull on the back of a talking toy?

Exactly. Yeah, so retractable chalice. And it can play jubilant music every time you pull on the back of a talking toy. Exactly. Yeah. So retractable challenge. And it can play jubilant music every time you pull it out. Oh, yeah. Like some trumpet themes. Sure. Yeah. Something brassy.

It would have to be music that I like that Teresa doesn't. Yeah. But the problem is Teresa has a much more get along attitude towards cultural production than I do. Well, no, I'm saying go for a cartoonish opulence. Right. So, you know, so as to really put her in her place. Like rubies?

Yeah, like rubies. Yeah, I mean, sure. I mean, you can affix some jewels to the thing, you know, make it kind of obviously vibrating. I guess my concern is that you're describing a scenario where over time I become more and more like Master P. Yeah. Or Vin Diesel at the end of Chronicles of Riddick. Take your pick.

I have not seen Chronicles of Riddick. I have seen Master P's Cribs where they go over to little Romeo's own house. This is when little Romeo was still a young teen. And little Romeo drives around in a Bentley Power Wheels. Okay. Oh, but this is when little Romeo was still a young teen. And he, little Romeo drives around in a Bentley Power Wheels. Okay. Yeah. Good gravy.

Yeah. Goodness gracious. To get from his house to his dad's house. So both Romeo and Bow Wow have dropped the Lil, right? Yeah, that's true.

Okay. They were both, it was both Lil. It was not Little for either of them? Yeah, it was Lil. Okay. Lil Wayne kept,

hung on to the Lil because otherwise it's just Wayne. Sure. And John as well, right? John is still them? Yeah, it was Lil. Okay. Lil Wayne kept, hung on to the Lil because otherwise it's just Wayne. And John as well, right? John is still Lil? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because again,

he's just John. All of a sudden, all of a sudden he has to deal with Garfield and Odie if he drops the Lil. Yeah, right? What if you were a rapper

and you just went by John? That would be fantastic, I feel like. That is a pretty good name. Boom. That's it., I feel like. That is a pretty good name. Boom. That's it. I like a rapper that goes by a relatively nondescript government name, Joe Budden, for example. Like Joe Budden, that's just a guy that works at the post office.

Happens to have had a couple hit records and be in the group Slaughterhouse. Sure. Yeah. So, I mean, maybe you can make the floor more uncomfortable for her. I mean, I don't know. Ridges? Well, I was going to say release millipedes. Oh.

Whenever you're watching a show. Is my chair millipede proof? Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, they don't want to get up. Millipedes don't go high up. They get close to the ground. Millipedes hate chairs? Well, I mean, they hate being elevated. Do they like eating maters?

I thought they liked eating maters. What's a mater? Tomato. Oh, yeah. No, you're right. Just don't put any tomatoes on the chair and you should be fine. But what am I supposed to eat for dinner? Oh, yeah, you're right.

No, millipedes are a bad idea. Scrap the millipedes. Just electrify the floor. I'm going to go centipedes. Okay. Centipedes hate maters. Yeah. And I love them, so I don't have to worry about it.

There you go. Centipede free. It's a natural way to keep centipedes out of your chair is cover it in tomatoes. Sure. Having problems with chair centipedes? It's like putting ladybugs in your plants to keep out the aphids. Sure. You cover your chair in tomatoes to keep out the centipedes.

But then it attracts millipedes. But maybe you want that. Of course I want millipedes. They're more valuable. Constant pede cycle. More legs. Stuck. Constantly fighting off.

I don't know if you know this, Jordan. All bugs are valued by the leg. Oh, okay. So that's why millipedes with a thousand legs are so much more valuable than centipedes with a hundred legs. Okay. I don't want to, I mean, obviously, Rhea, this is all academic to you. You know all this.

Oh, sure. Yes. You made your fortune in bug leg sales. Yes. Well, Rhea moved here from Chicago and she was a commodities trader. Oh, okay. In insect legs. Yes.

So she knows the value of an insect. How many insect legs in a deep dish pizza? You know, it's more like a pound issue, so I can't really give you a number. Oh, sure, sure, sure. But it's like 10 pounds of centipedes, millipedes, silverfish, typically, in a deep dish pizza. Okay, yeah. If you're getting like an authentic, not at like Uno, though, right? No, no.

Not at Uno's Pizzeria. No, I'm talking like Gino's East or, you know, one of those guys. Gino's West. Gino's East and Gino's West were both founded, it's like the Fillmore West and the Fillmore East, both founded by Bill Graham. Sure. In the 60s. Yep.

They have a place for Jefferson Airplane to play. Inventor of the graham cracker crust. Yeah, absolutely. Delicious. Well, I think we've settled. I think we've found some great stuff for me to do. This has been a fact-filled episode. The Utilitarian Podcast.

Jordan, Jesse, go. We'll be back with more in just a second. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, of a baby and still find time to moisturize your tattoos. Join us every week to find out. And remember, you don't have to be a bad mom to be one bad mother. Subscribe for free on iTunes or go to MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rhea Butcher, Lady James Dean. She already has a nickname, ladies and gentlemen, from her hit show, Wham Bam Pow. Okay.

Rhea, as I just mentioned, you have a podcast. Indeed. Do you ever use it to demand food from foreigners? Not yet, but I feel like I'm missing out. That's the full potential of a podcast. I mean, it's one of those things where you realize- It's a good way to subjugate them. Absolutely.

Yeah. You've got to keep those listeners in check. Well, I was going to say foreigners. Oh, foreigners? Yeah. I'm not concerned about subjugating Americans. Yeah. Yeah. You see this concerned about subjugating Americans. Yeah.

Yeah. You see this as a colonialist enterprise. Exactly. Okay. Thank you. We're the Teddy Roosevelt of podcasting. Exactly. We're a late gas in colonialism.

Podcasts softly carry a big stick. Gotcha. Okay. Oh, I mean big dick. Sorry. So first of all, thank you to David H. He sent us a note. Dear Jordan, Jesse, go. Hope this is going to the right podcast. Then he sent us some pickled beets and some pickled carrots.

Hey. I got to tell you, those pickled beets that we got from Brooklyn recently, they weren't that great of pickled beets, but I ate the whole jar in a week. You're doing something right. in a week, so. You're doing something right. There was also a pretty B-minus jar of bread and butter pickles. Too mushy. Oh, okay.

Too mushy in the mouth. You know, I actually used the, oh, sorry, go ahead. Oh, no, I was going to say, I hate a mushy pickle. That's for sure. It's like the, bleh, gets in the way. If you have artisanal on the label, it should not be mushy, but go ahead. I was just going to say, I actually have kind of a fun recipe that I used some of our gift pickles in. Which pickles did you go home with? Oh, boy.

I got the chips. Yeah. I got the chips. Was it a standard dill chip? Yes. I think dill chip. Sure. Love a dill chip.

And this is, I think, just a fun recipe that anybody can do at home. Sure. There's a couple of specialized things. So maybe make a list and get some of this the next time you go to the grocery store. But we're not going full Julia Child guide to French cooking. We're keeping it Rachel Ray right now. Yeah. OK.

Step one. Right. You should go to the bar The Pikey on Sunset with former Jordan Jesse Go guest Colton Dunn. Sure. And get drunk while he explains the difference between Star Trek Voyager and Star Trek Next Generation. Sure. You're going to want to do that for about two hours. Yeah.

So just let that sit for about two hours. Sure. You're going to want to walk home. Yeah. You're going to want to get home and there to be not a lot of food in the house. Can I ask you, couldn't he just say Whoopi Goldberg? You're going to want a more in-depth explanation. Gotcha.

I want to make sure this marinates. Right. Gotcha. Exactly. I mean, I guess you could just microwave this all, but you see what I'm getting at. You're getting drunk over the course of two years. There's a craft here. There's a craft here.

So you get home. You probably should not have gone shopping in at least a week. Okay. So there's a weird disparate amount of food in the house, but also you're very hungry. The food that's in your house doesn't match the other food in your house. Exactly. These are random bits of food. There's a lot more Freon in your fridge than any food items.

Yes, exactly. It's a Freon storage box at this point. Yeah. So here's what you're going to want to do. You're going to want to brown a corn tortilla in a frying pan. Right. Just grease up the frying pan. Put a little canola oil or something in there. You're going to want to brown up this tortilla. As though you were about to make a taco. pan. Right. Just grease up the frying pan. Put a little, you know, canola oil or something in there.

You're going to want to brown up this tortilla. As though you were about to make a taco. Exactly. Gotcha. Flip it over. Put a little,

put a slice of cheddar cheese on the tortilla because that's what you got. Sure. And then you're going to want to put that aside. Right. You're going to want to

boil a hot dog and in that same pan cook two pieces of bacon. Okay. While this- Underwater? You boil the bacon? No, you're boiling the hot dog.

You're cooking the bacon in the pan that you cooked the tortilla in. Gotcha. It's getting a little complicated. Gotcha. Okay. While all this is going on- Sure. Eat half of a red velvet marijuana bonbon.

Okay. So- Sure. So by the time this is done, you have a nice body high. Right. Okay. So you're going to want to put the hot dog after it's done. Right.

Drain the water. Put the hot dog on the tortilla. Put the two strips of bacon on the hot dog. And then just dump those pickles on there. Brine and all? Yeah. Just all the brine in the taco as well? Pure brine.

You're going to want to get a lot of brine moisture on there. Garnish liberally with whatever sriracha is left in the bottle. And there you go. Wow, that sounds really good. And so, yeah. That sounds really good. It does sound good. And that's something everybody can do at home.

Provided you're friends with Colton Dunn and you have a red velvet marijuana bonbon. That's sort of like a bachelor's tasting flight. Yeah, exactly. Sure, sure. It's like a cheese board. It's every category of everything you'd ever want. Yeah, a cheese board for it's Friday and I went shopping on Monday. You know what?

That sounds really great. Let's get you a cooking show. Totally. Do you think you could demonstrate this in front of a live studio audience? Well, I mean, part of it is going from one place to another, is coming back from a bar, and I want that to be part of it. Could we put the audience in one of those open-top buses and have them watch as you drive your Scion towards Colton Dunn? Yeah.

Well, this is a walking situation. What if they brought their own signs? Some brought Voyager signs. Some brought Next Generation signs. One guy has a Deep Space Nine sign because he loves Ferengis. Get some cosplay going in there. Is that something? I like this.

Is that correct? You're totally correct. I've literally never seen that show. Ferengi. I remember someone telling me about Ferengi. Yes. I don't know if every time he'll be explaining the difference between Star Trek The Next Generation and Star Trek Voyager. It could be various alien conspiracies.

So people can cosplay as just whatever we happen to be talking about at the time. Not in the Star Trek universe, in our universe. No, in the real world. Gotcha. Yeah. Wait, there's a difference? Okay. So another thing that we have demanded on this program, and by the way, just because

someone sent me some pickled beets and some pickled carrots, and by the way, I appreciate that these pickled carrots are not spicy pickled carrots because I already have like three jars of spicy pickled carrots that I've accumulated. I don't like spicy pickled carrots. I only like regular pickled carrots. So thank you for considering that in sending me these. I won't share these with Jordan. Next thing.

We demanded some Danes came to visit our office here at MaximumFun.org. Not so great. They were a group. Not so great. They were a group of Danish public media broadcasters. Although, as it turned out, when I talked to them about what their show was, they have a morning show that is like a question answering morning show. Sort of like our friend Helen Zaltzman's great show, Answer Me This. But it's on in Danish, on Danish radio.

And they were really disappointed at how few listeners we have to everything. And they were like, I guess we're surprised that you have less listeners because we have 17 million listeners, one third of the population of Northern Europe. You know what I mean? Things a million, assholes. I let you come visit me and I brought you to have pastrami. You don't have that in Denmark. Okay, anyway. So I had told them that we had a lot of fans in Northern Europe.

They didn't believe me. So I came on this program and demanded that our fans in Northern Europe demonstrate that they were real fans by sending us funny candies, preferably with some sort of racist caricature on the outside. We have a package here from Florian from Rotterdam. That checks out. Yeah. So let's see what we got. It is a fair size box.

Does anything have Donald Duck on it? Most things. We got some Rademacher Hopchies here. You guys know about Rademacher Hopcheese? I don't. Nope. Well, it's... Hey, that package is open.

Somebody's been into the Rademacher Hopcheese. Yeah. Oh, these are coffee bonbons. Or coffee bonbons in Denmark talk. Oh, wow. Jordan, you're going to have to eat a little bit of candy. I know that you don't eat sugar. I can have a little bit of candy for these purposes. Yeah, wow. Okay. Jordan, you're going to have to eat a little bit of candy. I know that you don't eat sugar. I can have a little bit of candy for these purposes.

Yeah, okay. We got some natural-like Clunensmosentoffen Lempur Citrons. Oh, I love the Clunensmosentoffen. That's Napoleon brand. This could be your Waterloo. Okay. Oh, Ritter Sport with Dark Hole Hazelnuts. That's pretty fucking good. Yes. Jordan, you want that? Yeah, I'll have the Ritter Sport With dark whole hazelnuts That's pretty fucking good Yes

Jordan, you want that? Yeah, I'll have the Ritter Spore Okay This looks fun I'm having the Coffee Bon Bon Here's some more Coffee Bon Bons What do you guys think about me putting it all Like every type of this candy

Just going crazy with it Doing like a soda suicide with every single Oh That sounds great Yeah That sounds great Initial thoughts are E Coffee Bon Bon Okay side with every single that sounds great initial thoughts are e coffee bonbon okay

and this is reaffirming a prejudice that I have right in that what is sweets to foreigners is medicine to us they really like I feel like I feel like if you took if you took a if you took someone from Europe out to

Baskin and Robbins they're like this is okay but I would love to drink a bottle of Dime Attack. Like, that is... On the plus side, Jordan, those warts on your forearm have cleared up. That's true. From that coffee bonbon, I can only presume. My Herman's headache has completely gone away. Oh, man. Well, apparently the Rotterdammers also have Haribo Gold Baron.

We have Haribo. Yeah, we've got Haribo. We're not going to eat that right now. They have those at Old Navy. Come on. I'm going to eat this. Do they have those at Old Navy? They do.

Yeah. They totally do. I already cracked this one open. This is Kleene, Neerlanch, Engenschitt. Sounds fake. Since 1876. This is cridged pebbles. There's salmiak cridged pebbles and mint cridged pebbles.

The Napoleon packaging actually has a little cartoon of Napoleon on it. Yeah. He's conquering less advanced societies. Yeah. Through deliciousness. Delicious flavor of less advanced societies. Yeah. Through deliciousness. Using the delicious flavor of his lemon candies. Okay. This is...

I'm eating... Here. Eat a Klipschneger. Excuse me? That's what you lesbians do, isn't it? You guys figured it out and put it into a candy. Oh my goodness. This Napoleon candy is way

too big. I feel like I've opened myself up to joking with that statement, but look at my mouth. You can spit it. Look, here. Do you think Napoleon demanded that the candy be big because of his short man syndrome? Absolutely. You can spit it into this box. How about that?

I'm going to toss my lozenge candy in here, too. What are you eating? Are you eating the Clipsons? The lesbian candy. Okay, which one did you eat? The black? There's two. Okay, now we should describe what these look like.

These look like a large mouse turd. Like an oversized mouse turd. There's black ones and white ones. Which one did you eat? Oh, the white one. This was like a mouse turd that's been out for a really long time. What I think these are, I've been eating these. I've gotten kind of into them.

I think what they are is maybe salted mints and salted licorices. Holy! This is clitoris. They taste like a disgusting Mike and Ike. Wait, good and plenty.

A good and plenty. A terrible, terrible good and plenty. Yeah, you're right. Jeez. That affirms your medicine. I don't like the good version of this. The bad version of this. They feel dirty in my mouth.

They do. Do they roll these in the dust? This is like eating New York City or something. Yeah. Yeah. It tastes like the trash has all just been thrown out on the sidewalk. Okay.

Florian says, all the best from the Netherlands. I'm sending you Dutch coffee bonbons in the hope that they'll trigger a caffeine flashback for Jesse. I think he enjoyed, not long ago, I drank half of an 8-ounce Dr. Pepper before the show, and I was very busy. I had a lot to say because I had not had caffeine in like two years, and so

I was very, very active. I want to say this Ritter Sport is very tasty. This hazelnut chocolate bar. I think Ritter Sport you can just get at Trader Joe's. Oh, yeah? Right? Don't you think you can get a Ritter Sport at Trader Joe's? Oh, for sure.

I mean, it's like the Haribos. Like, don't just send us Gold Baron. Come on now. We already know about Gold Baron. Sure. Send us Platinum Baron, certainly. It's the millipedes of the candy world. Slightly more valuable.

Cover me in tomato. So you guys aren't on board for those licorice mints? No. No, no, no. I kind of like them. Absolutely not. Can I tell you what? I kind of like them.

Congratulations. I like the black ones better than the white ones. You're a licorice guy. Okay. Now we got one more thing called platy salmiak cheese. Old holland schnope. Can I tell you about the ingredients of this? The packaging of that looks like something you would buy at the Army Surplus store.

It looks like it might be a dehydrated meal. The product itself looks like some kind of – also looks like something you would buy at the Army surplus store. Like it looks like a fire starter of some kind. From over here, it looks like a pair of socks. It's black. It's like little black diamonds. It sort of reminds me of – you know how in some playgrounds they have like pieces of rubber instead of sand? That's what this looks like.

That's not what's in it, though. I'll tell you what's in it. You got your tarwoblom. You got your molasse. You got your sulker. You got your salmlaxout, 7.9% salmaxlout. Your block drop. And your glucose fructose sestroop.

I think we know what that is. Oh, yeah. Half of those sound like racial slurs. You got your Cluerstauf E153, your zout. Got to get some zout in there. Dirty zouts. It's not a Netherlands candy unless it has some laundry detergent in it. You got aroma and, of course, glance metal.

So what, okay. So what is the reason for foreign candies being so gross? Is it that we have these unsophisticated American taste buds that we've just been bombarded with chemicals and, you know, yellow dyes and stuff? Or is it that the candy is actually gross? I don't know. I think everyone else in the world thinks our chocolate is gross. Yeah.

Because it's too sour. Okay. And milky and not chocolatey enough, which is true. Totally true. Yeah, 100% true about that. Okay, have some of these. Oh, wow, they're really flat. I can see how flat it is now.

But why the weird mints and licorices and... Oh! Oh, they're really flat. I can see how flat it is now. But why the weird mints and licorices and... Oh, my God. Wow. Holy shit. I feel like maybe I shouldn't do this, but hey. No, eat it. Whoa. It looks like a science project.

Don't eat that handful. Just eat one. Eh. Wow. Holy mackerel.. Just eat one. Wow. Holy mackerel. Yeah, same thing. It just tastes like... That tastes like an emotion. I don't... How do you... It tastes like jealousy.

Yes, it does. It's a huge mouthful of jealousy. Thank you for the mouthful. Oh, you saved my life. Holy mackerel. Yeah, I ate two. That is amazing. What's the matter with you, country? I think that's real salted licorice, right? Holy crap.

It tastes like a combination of licorice. The base note is licorice. The top note's the coating. Oh, my God. It gets worse as it goes. It's stuck in my teeth. It eats like I just threw a handful of salt into my mouth and it's only cut with like lemon juice or something.

You know what it tastes like? It tastes really similar to like Sweet and Low. If you ever eat Sweet and Low by itself, which I did as a kid and learned don't eat Sweet and Low because it just tastes like salt until it's like activated by whatever you put it in. That's exactly what it tastes like. Sure. Hoo boy.

I feel like this has like a third stage that it's going to go through in my bowels and it's not going to be fun. This is going to activate some sort of diarrhea trigger. It's going to exit the chrysalis. Sure, right. It's cocooning now. Okay, so this

thing is called... What I have is two boxes that are roughly the size of a box of I guess like Pop-Tarts. What did you say? Roughly the size of a Pop-Tarts, a small Pop-Tarts box. They're called Derüchter. They're uncertified, good inside. Extra poor Royale Hegel.

They're Royale in format and cacao. And what it is is a picture of a piece of bread. And on the piece of bread is chocolate sprinkles and fruity sprinkles. One is chocolate sprinkles. One is fruity sprinkles. Are we sure that's chocolate or is that more of the Clinton chocolate? That could be one of those horrible. Salty dirt gelatin.

Jordan, you take chocolate sprinkles. I ain't going to eat chocolate. And I'll take fruity sprinkles. And there's a thing on the side that you pull open. Okay, so I guess according to the box, you're supposed to just pour these sprinkles or jimmies onto a slice of bread. How do you pour sprinkles on bread? How is that anything?

Is there butter involved? You're gone. Is it really chocolate? Yeah, this is okay This just tastes like a Hazelnut? Yeah this just tastes like a Mouthful of chocolate

It's fine This fruity one tastes pretty good A couple of those fruits Yeah I kind of want to have that On my bread now A slice of white bread That is what is in the picture Yeah that's not bad

Tastes like tiny little donuts You know like the tops Of tiny little donuts Oh I do not like the fruit ones Oh really? You against that? Yeah I'm against these fruities It's not bad. It tastes like tiny little donuts. You know, like the tops of tiny little donuts. Oh, I do not like the fruit ones. Oh, really? You against that? Yeah, I'm against these fruities.

Yeah, it just tastes like ground-up Smarties, which I do not like. That salted licorice is way past what... Because here's the thing. This other thing tastes like salted licorice. And I kind of like that. Yeah. And then here's the thing. This other thing tastes like salted licorice, and I kind of liked that. Yeah. And then I ate this thing. This thing is like a fucking nightmare. It's like a prank gum.

Yeah. It's like the gum you buy as a prank to give to somebody. It is just pure madness. Yeah, you would buy that next to a canister of fart powder. Yes, and a buzzer, hand buzzer. Yeah, quality hand buzzer. A canister of fart powder. Yes, and a buzzer.

Hand buzzer. Yeah, quality hand buzzer. Yeah, no, I think MaxFunCon attendees will – I could probably best describe the taste as like Malort. Like it's that kind of bitter – See, I like Malort. Well, I guess as a Chicagoan, you probably know. Yes. I love Malort, actually. No, you don't.

It doesn't bother me at all. You just drink it straight? Oh, yeah. No one loves Malort. The first time I had it was at MaxFunCon last year, and I was like so battening down the hatches, like, this is going to be disgusting, and you're going to want to vomit. And then I drank it and was like, oh, no. Can you also drink like Jägermeister?

Yes, but I don't prefer it. Okay. You would prefer a Malort to a Jägermeister? Yes. Okay. Any day. I would call Malort Jägermeister's more disgusting cousin. Absolutely.

You should explain what Malort is. Malort is an unusual – it has the flavor – it's a liquor with the flavor of an unusual botanical, which is to say wormwood, which is the same thing that's in absinthe. And it's basically the bitterest thing. So it tastes – I tasted some this year. It just tastes like booze when it's in your mouth. And then afterwards, it tastes for an hour or so inside your mouth like you just ate a dead animal or something. Yeah. Like just –

I would say it's more like plant matter. Yeah, plant matter. Well, see, I'm a vegetarian. Maybe that's why. Oh,'s why I've never eaten meat. I'm just used – that's how I feel all the time. I feel like dead plant matter every day. So it tastes delicious to me. Okay.

It's like eating – It's impressive. I'm impressed that you would like casually drink it. Yeah, and I mean I haven't really since then because people, especially in Chicago, they'll get it as a joke for you. Like, hey, want a shot? And then you're like, sure, okay. And then they give you Malort, and then they just stare at you. Yeah.

So I've made it a purpose to be like, oh, God, and then it doesn't bother me at all. Oh, nice. Okay. Steel trap. Sounds like you're pretty great, Rhea. Yeah, I guess you're great. I'm pretty awesome. You really freak the fuck out when you put one of those salted licorices in your mouth.

Different thresholds. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rhea Butcher. Lady James Dean.

You know what? We had a lot of fun eating those things. Super good. We're going to get letters. Why are you eating things on the air? Are you racist? Yeah. I did a – our buddy Ron Babcock does a really funny video series for the Food Network's website where comedians eat gross things.

And I did one where I ate balut, which is a Filipino delicacy, which is a egg, like a hard-boiled egg, but the chicken is almost all the way born. Oh, jeez Louise. And this was one of the grossest things I've ever – How did you do that? I started gagging as it was going. Like you open it up and it has eyes. It has eyes. And yeah, I guess as a vegetarian, this is the grossest thing in the world. Oh, I mean I can handle it, but it's totally gross.

Yeah, it was gross. You're like, well, I'm ovo-lacto. I eat eggs. It's no big deal. I super do. I'm really not that far away. It looks like it was designed by H.R. Giger. Like it's so gross looking.

And I tried to eat this thing and just couldn't. I like gagged and it fell on the floor and it was really gross and I had some dry heaves because of it. And then in the comments section of the video is just talking about how racist I am because I couldn't eat it.

Oh, come on. Yeah, because I was slamming a Filipino street delicacy. That it was my xenophobia that was causing me to have that reaction. Yeah, I mean, you do hate Filipinos. I do, but it's just because they're shifty. Remember the other day when you were talking about how there was a discrepancy in your bank account and you thought it was because of DJ Qbert? Right. I stand by that. I stand by that.

I stand by that. Well, there's not a lot of other Filipinos for me to name. We already did that whole thing about the, uh, about Apple D apps. So, Oh,

my friend, Mike Espino from high school. There you go. Who I hate. Oh, we have fun. Hey, uh,

let me ask you this, Rhea. You're, you're originally from the Midwest, correct? Correct. Where, let me ask you this, Rhea. You're originally from the Midwest, correct? Correct. Where are you from originally? Akron, Ohio. Oh, an Ohioan.

An Ohioan, indeed. I like to call it the Thinking Man's Indiana. I don't want to refer to that state. Had you lived for some time in Chicago before you came out here? Yes, I lived in Chicago for like five years, I think, with some Oregon dashed in there for flavor. Sure. Lived in Eugene for like eight months. You were seasonal logging work.

Yes, exactly. Yes. I like to log in the summer and then head on back to Chicago. And your survivalist group, of course. Absolutely, yes. My lesbian survivalist group. How do you find Los Angeles relative to Chicago? Well, I mean, the weather. Be careful not to say anything bad about Chicago because Chicagoans will write you letters for the next 10 years.

Oh, I will not say anything bad about Chicago because I love that city. Great place. And I miss it so much. It's like my adopted home because I spent more time in Akron. It's both too cold and too hot. But besides that, it's about as good as it gets. Yes, absolutely. Food's good, but it's hot.

Transportation is great, but it's cold. What about Los Angeles, though? It's a less sophisticated city, perhaps, arguably, than Chicago. Well, how so? How do you think it's? Well, you know, you have a high class artsy institutions in Chicago. You've got a theater scene, which you don't really have. I mean, there is a theater scene in Los Angeles, but it's just I'm not famous enough to be on television anymore.

But I still want to trade on my fame rather than my talent. Otherwise known as servers. Yes. Yeah. I mean, that is true. There's like kind of an indie vibe in Chicago that I haven't maybe I just haven't found it yet in Los Angeles. Do you think everyone's just sad because it's so cold and or hot? I think so.

I mean, it really like- It's causing them to relate to the music of Conor Oberst more. Absolutely. It really pounds you into the pavement there. I mean, that's where Wilco's from. So there you go. What's a good thing that you like about Los Angeles? Well, I absolutely love the fact that I don't like heat.

I'm learning that I don't like heat at all. I wore pants today to be outside. That was really stupid of me. You know what? I prefer Thief to heat. Yeah. Hey. Michael Mad movies.

Me too. I love that movie. It's a great movie. That end fight sequence, the thing he does with Jimmy Conn. Okay. Watch Thief. It's so great. I'm still trying to get that on Wham! Bam! Pow! One of these days, we will talk about it. I got your back on that one. Thank you, Jesse. Thief. It's so great. I'm still trying to get that on Wham Bam Pow.

One of these days we will talk about it. I got your back on that one. Thank you, Jesse. Thief is one of my favorites. Send a letter on up to Cameron about that. If you like Drive, just be aware that Drive is basically a feature length tribute to Thief. Totally. Yeah.

So yes, watch Thief and then realize you can't really ever wear pants if you're going to be outside in Los Angeles for more than five minutes. Yeah, I got to wear shorts here. Yes, I'm wearing shorts right now. I hate myself for it, but you got to do it. You know, I think you're pulling it off. Well, thank you. I think it looks fun in summary. Thank you.

I tried to go for the – I'm starting to understand why you leave your button-up shirt unbuttoned occasionally in Los Angeles. Seems like a great thing to do. Yeah, exactly. I think now – I think you're maybe confusing Los Angeles and teen in a cereal commercial. Yes. I confuse those all the time. That's mostly who wears a plaid shirt unbuttoned over a graphic tee. But I try to live my life as I am a teen in a cereal commercial.

Oh, no, that's good. Sure. You know? Like just popping into the kitchen and popping back out. Yeah. It's like most of my existence. Rolling your eyes at dad. Yeah.

Fat asshole. Or I'm a Walkman. When you saw those commercials as a child, and I mean, as a teenager, you don't relate to anything because you're upset about everything. Yes. But as like a 12-year-old, were you always confused about what world these kids who were headed to the honeycomb hideout lived in? You know what I mean?

Like with all these skateboards and elbow pads and solid colored t-shirts. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like I just felt like that's, I feel like I felt like I was wrong for not behaving like that. I'm like, ah, this is, I should be fucking doing, I should be doing more of this. I really need a tree house.

So much gel in all the boys' hair. A lot of gel. You know what I'm talking about? So many spiky do's. Spiky up do's. So many up do's. I feel like your modern kid is a lot cooler than – is a lot cooler than we were as kids. I feel like if you watch –

They got Skrillex now. They got Skrillex? kids like I feel like if you watch they got skrillex like I feel like um you know every every commercial that's on you know Cartoon Network is some you know some version of like an indie web comic and is you know hip and weird on purpose and fun but yeah we are ours was like Sonny D purple stuff like that that would seem so uh that would seem so ridiculous to kids now, I think. It must be hard to parse that, though. You know what I mean? If every commercial for Sonny D takes the form of a Daniel Klaus comic. Right.

There's a good example. I was talking to our friend Brandon Bird. Sure, the painter of life. About Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles continuity. What else would the two of you be talking about? You're not that into Star Wars. Sure, exactly. We've got to find a common ground.

Right. And apparently there is a Ninja Turtles cartoon that was released a few years ago. I guess they just keep making Ninja Turtles stuff and it's just always on and kids always like it. Apparently there was a crossover episode where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles of our youth went through a portal to meet the current Ninja Turtles. And they just – and they spent the whole time making fun of how lame they were. Wow. And then them like saying cowabunga and loving pizza was like so lame. And then I guess the modern Ninja Turtles just spent the whole cartoon rolling their eyes.

What are the modern turtles into? Sushi? I was going to say sushi. They're probably totally into sushi. That's amazing. They are all voiced by Jeremy Piven. We're really into Bebim Bop now. Right, exactly.

Yeah. I'm going to guess the portal they went through was probably a sewer grate. Oh, I don't know. It probably was. You're probably right. Did the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles like skateboarding? Yeah, I think so. I think I can recall a skateboarding version of an action figure.

I think my main memory of watching television in my youth is not understanding why all boys were on skateboards at all times. Constantly, yeah. Just every boy and every, and I was like, I didn't know people that skateboarded. Like completely outside of my, I just remember being so baffled by just everyone riding around on a skateboard. Yes, constantly. Do you guys know I was like a serious skateboarder for many years? No. I competed in a Vans contest in Cleveland.

All right. I got third. That's one of the top ones. Yeah, it super is. Were you a street vert? Street. Okay. Yeah, no vert.

Tube? Yeah, tube. I like to tube a lot. Uh-huh. I'm not a player. I just tube a lot. Sure. I like to gleam the cube. That would be an awesome, that would be a really awesome redneck t-shirt, I just tube a lot. Jerk. I like to glean the cube.

That would be a really awesome redneck t-shirt, by the way. Yes. Not a player, I just tube a lot. And it's just a dude holding a beer up in a tube. And then the back tag can say, float on, brother. Yeah. Dude, we just got rich. Yes, we super did.

Stop the show. Why are we still podcasting? Make this t-shirt. We just invented float on clothing. We just need to go to every spring break ever. It's Big Johnson style novelty t-shirts, but they're all about tubing. All tubing. We're fucking Duck Dynasty rich now.

Man. Let's take this shit up to Oregon. We're going to get Tube Dynasty. Yeah. They're going to create a crazy reality show about us. Oh, this is going to be great. Anybody got a crazy uncle? No, but they can cast one.

Yeah, that's not an issue for these things. As necessary. Yeah. As necessary. Maybe you can be classic character actor M. Emmett Walsh. Rhea, can I ask you a question here? Absolutely. Why skateboarding?

The thing I don't understand about skateboarding, and I was just at the metro station wondering this, is how can teenagers, especially teenage boys, but including teenage lesbians. Absolutely. And the occasional teenage straight lady. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Once in a thousand years.

teenage straight lady. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Once in a thousand years. How can they bear to do a thing that is so dopey and uncool so much of the time relative to how much it's successful? Like how – it's really – because when I see people skateboarding that aren't skateboarding for transportation, they're just fucking up over and over and over and over and over forever.

And they've just seemed to have achieved a piece with that. And then when they do something, I'm completely – it seems like, great, you turned your skateboard around. Yeah, it's an elusive dream that you're constantly going for that brass ring of a big kickflip. How can people – how can a culture so identified with being a slacker have picked a primary activity that requires so much fucking practice? I have no idea. I mean I started doing it because I was so bored in Ohio. So it was like a perfect activity because you just get to hang out. Because people are super bored.

Yeah, I think you're just bored and then you can't. It's like a sport that you can't immediately pick up. Yeah. And you just have to keep and then you're just then you get kind of at least I did got addicted to falling because you like kind of feel I don't know. It's a crazy weird addiction to be like slamming into the ground a bunch for fun, you know? Yeah. Let me let me posit a theory to just in my little time I spent trying to skateboard and surf and et cetera. It you like falling off and like bailing.

You feel cool doing it. Totally. Like you don't like to someone driving by. You just look like, you know, a little wiener who fell down. But I think you feel the rush. I think there's a rush associated with like almost doing it or falling and thinking you're going to get hurt and you don't or maybe you get a little bit hurt. I think that feels intense and it feels cool because, I mean, with every skateboard video where they're doing stuff, there's a little segment of bales at the end, which is like also cool. And if you don't have bad religion explicitly playing in your headphones, it's playing in your head and you feel super cool.

So I think that, right, yeah. But when you're just driving by some kids, they just look like little wieners falling down. But in their head, there's this whole sporting intensity going on. Totally. this whole you know sporting intensity going on totally i i guess i had it it seems very obvious you having said it ria but the idea of just being super bored it is a perfect activity for because it's so repetitive it's so you know what i mean like you can just go like the the teenagers that i saw doing it today um just two of them were sitting on the ground outside the subway station.

The other one was just going up and down a mild incline. Yeah, you just sit around and do like absolutely nothing all day. And then you like pay energy to the skateboarding gods. It's like a weird punk rock thing of like throwing yourself around. Sure. Yeah. You know, it's a religion so of course what was the uh did you ever think about you would turn pro as a skateboarder did

you ever think about oh i can take this all the way yeah i mean i i think i made the distinct decision to go to college instead of going after skateboarding because i was skating like my entire high school experience super into it then i started college and I was like going to drop out and move here. Yeah. To like be a skateboarder. Because at the time there weren't that many female skateboarders and it was like, oh, I might actually be able to do this. Yeah. Because like I'm into it and I like to do it a lot and like I'm okay at it.

And there's like nobody else. Like I won't have much competition. But then, you know. Jordan, maybe both of you guys know the answer to this question because you both have experience in this area. How does a professional skateboarder get paid? Do people pay to go see skateboarding? Sponsors.

Yeah. There's sales, like board sales and stuff like that. You got a signature board. Yep. You got a signature shoe. Yep. Wheels. Yeah.

All kinds of stuff. But just like the number 23 skateboarder, he's got a signature shoe. Yep. Wheels. Yeah. All kinds of stuff. But just like the number 23 skateboarder, he's got a signature shoe? Yeah, I think so. I think he has a lesser shoe that like, and the kids like him because he's more punk rock and not sold out like the other guys. Even though he's not as good. Like these days, a shoe company has like 10 pro shoes and then they have 10 non-pro shoes. So then when you're like building up, you get stuff for free and you don't get paid yet.

It's kind of just like doing stand-up comedy. Yeah. I think there are probably a lot of parallels. You go do it for free for a really long time and they give you maybe drink tickets. Sure. And that's your flow. And then you start getting paid for it. So you're doing stand-up comedy for the free sneakers?

Am I understanding this correctly? Yes, it's for the shoes. Yeah. I'm a bit of a shoes horse. Yeah, you're a Monster Energy comedian, right? Yes. Sponsored by Monster. I'd like to see the Red Bull comedy tour.

Yeah, right? It's just Joe Rogan tells a joke and then he punches you. Yeah, but you're watching it through a GoPro. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rhea Butcher.

Lady James Dean. By the way, just, I sorry, I interrupted your dramatic pause. Yeah, sorry about that. Rhea Butcher, by the way, coming to BoatParty.biz along with the hilarious Cameron Esposito. Going to be on a boat. And recently confirmed Jonah Ray. Check it out. Jonah Ray.

So it's going to be – I mean this this is going to be quite the Boat Party. He's probably coming to BoatParty.biz. Listen, if you're out there and you haven't already got your ticket to BoatParty.biz, get your fucking head on straight. Where are your priorities? Just probably trying to do a double ollie. Yeah. Like a double ollie switch, kick, flip, revert.

Sure. Yeah. Double switch, you can crack, I mean, flip, vert. Invert. Frankfurter-switching crap. I mean, flip-fart. Invert. Frankfurter. Peggy. Switch. Man, you know what would be a fun job?

A guy that names skateboard tricks? That one's a flapjack. Yeah. There are some really great names for skateboarding tricks. Are you guys aware of the Madonna? That's a trick. Oh, sure. And then the reverse of that is called a Sean Penn.

Because at the time they were dating. Right. It really dates that trick. Wow. That's my favorite pair. There's the Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder. This is the Wino Forever. That's like the funniest thing Johnny Depp ever did. He gets a million

points for that. Every time I'm like, Johnny Depp sucks. I'm like, he gets a million points for that. Every time I'm like, ah, Johnny Depp sucks. I'm like, ah, never mind. That wino forever thing is pretty funny. That was a really good triple backwards Fido Dido you just executed. Things from 1991. Okay. Up on the Jumbotron this week.

To Will from Jess. Happy 30th birthday. I'm looking forward to 30 more years of adventures. Oh, so these are twins then? I think they've been married since they were born. Oh, okay. This is a birth marriage? Yeah, that's my best bet.

It's a Klingon birth marriage, right? Love a birth marriage. For you, Star Trek? I think the Ferengis do that. The Ferengis do birth marriages. Yeah. Whoopi Goldberg always officiates. Hey, Jumbotron message number two.

This is for Matt Brown from Katie. Happy Father's Day, Matt Brown. You are an even better dad than I thought you would be, and I knew you'd be great. I'm so excited that we could get to be parents together. Thank you for being such a sweet, wonderful dad to our sweet, sweet baby and such a supportive, caring, and funny parenting partner. June and I are very lucky ladies, and we love. Message cut off, but I'm sure they're full of love.

I take that to mean. And we love the new David Bowie album. He still got it. This goes off on a weird tangent, but it means something to him, I guess. This is really, there's a whole part about the price is right. The differences between Bob Parker and, wow, very analytical. Yeah. Yeah, Jumbotron, that was a lot of fun.

If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor any upcoming episodes of Jordan, Jesse, Go, email us at, or excuse me, email Teresa at Teresa T-H-E-R-E-S-A at MaximumFun.org. And hey, while you're at it, why not ask about sponsoring Wham! Bam! Pow! Am I right, Ria? Yeah, you are right. Ask that. Are you out there, Vans

off the wall? Sure. Get us off the wall and into your ears. Hey, we're both wearing them. We are. So, there you go. Vans off the wall? Sure. Get us off the wall and into your ears. Hey, we're both wearing them. We are. So there you go. Vans twins. Are you out there, Aerobie Corporation? Can we get some free Aerobies, the world's greatest flying desk?

Just talking about cool extreme stuff. Oh, sure. Are you out there, canoe? Can you send us one of you? Excuse me. Can you send yourself to us devil sticks are you listening you know what yes devil sticks is listening i i fucking guarantee you can i tell you something about on just on the subject of devil sticks and things that i've talked about on this program that have upset significant portions of our audience um i was walking to get a teriyaki bowl the other day.

I'm not bragging, but that's the kind of lifestyle that I lead. Walkie teriyaki. You can eat fancy foreign food like that. I got beef and chicken. I didn't stop at beef or chicken. I got beef and chicken. On my way over to the teriyaki place, the teriyaki place, I'm going to say seven, eight blocks from here. Okay.

But, you know, I like to take a mid-afternoon constitutional. It's nice. Gets my belly ready for lunch. And I can eat like a disgusting animal. So I get out to the teriyaki place. It's right by the hospital. There's a hospital nearby here. It's a pretty nondescript area.

Except that there's also a circus there. What? There's a hospital nearby here. It's a pretty nondescript area. Except that there's also a circus there. What? There's a circus? Get out of my fucking neighborhood, circus! Who told a circus they could come into my normal neighborhood where I rent an office

that is not a parking lot neighborhood that is not outside the Cow Palace in Daly City, California. We're talking about just there's houses here, houses there, a hospital there. Oh, here's a fucking circus. It's not there permanently though, right? It'll pack up and leave. I don't know.

I just, it literally was a big ass tent and a giant sign that said circus. That seems fishy. That seems a little too on the nose. Do you think it's a trap? Do you think this could be what remains of the Saddam Hussein regime? Could be. Planning a terrorist attack on a major city? Yeah.

We will tell them that we are circus. Yeah, it says fun circus for Americans, right? That was the sign? It it says fun circus for Americans, right? That was the sign? It did say fun circus for Americans. I think you should have to do – Welcome, Obama. Fun circus. Not to trap.

That's my racist voice. You know how if you're like a sex offender and you move into a neighborhood, you have to go door to door and knock and let everybody know? I think circuses should – The clown should do it? a neighborhood. You have to go door to door and knock and let everybody know. I think circuses should have... I don't think circuses shouldn't... I don't think circuses shouldn't be allowed to move into a residential neighborhood if there's a big enough place to set up their tent.

But I think they should have to go door to door so that I know, for my children's sake, that circus could happen at any time. I think that the clowns should do it. They should knock on the door and say, hi, there's a circus in town. Oh, also, I'm a sex offender. You know. And then they spray you in the face with a seltzer bottle.

Sure. And then they all get into one tiny, tiny car. Right. Exactly. It would be the only thing that would redeem the presence of a circus in my neighborhood right now is if a tiny car pulled up in front of the circus and then just a long line of clowns got out and got into the car. That would be pretty funny. And then they drove off to get in and out or whatever. You know, they're hungry.

Yeah. Sure. Jordan, how would you feel if a fucking circus moved in next door to your house? I don't think it would be pretty cool. It would not be cool. There could be bears. You could get mauled by bears. Trained bears who ride little motorcycles.

They're trained to kill. No, they're trying to ride tiny motorcycles, Jesse. Why do you think they're trying to ride tiny motorcycles? To entertain me. No, to be more effective killers. Oh, well, okay. Never mind. I don't like it anymore.

I think all you need to defend yourself, though, is one single whip. That's true. Just get really good at a whip and then you'll probably be all right. You have been meaning to take up whippery. I've seen the movie Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control. I know what it is to be an animal trainer. I know that you don't just need a whip. You also need preternatural self-confidence, which God knows I lack.

All I can ever think about is what I'm doing wrong. Whipping, for one thing. I'm terrible at whipping. And that's going to be the secondary problem. I'm much better with a whipped cream than I'm terrible at whipping. And that's going to be the secondary problem. I'm much better with a whipped cream than I am. Bull whip. Yeah, with a bull whip. All you need to do is pop those

headphones on and listen to some Devo. Sure. Really get it. Is that an instructional song? Yeah. Because the problem is... They're teaching you how to whip it because what if a circus comes to town, that's what Devo's for. You know what? I think that song would help me. You know why? Right now I'm whipping it very bad. Yeah. But I had not...

You can have your whip alongside your TV throne. That's a really good point. To establish your dominance. Should I bejewel my whip? Well, no, that'll decrease the aerodynamicism. What if I just bejewel the handle? What if I just put a diamond on the tip? Yeah, do that.

What if I dip the tip in industrial diamonds? That's a good idea. Cut the fuck out of any bears that get up in my shit. Yeah. Any fucking sexist clowns.

Sexist clowns. All clowns are sexist. Hanky, women shouldn't work. Hanky. They never should have got the franchise. Yeah.

Bella Abzug. Okay, well, we had a lot of fun talking about the circus in the neighborhood. We'll be back with calls in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rhea Butcher, Lady James Dean. I just took a closer look at these pickled carrots.

I probably shouldn't have. I'll tell you two reasons. Number one, I realized that as I look at it, the more I look at it, the more I feel like this label was printed out on a computer from like an Amiga. Like a computer from 1988. Like there's really jagged edges on the logo.

Yeah. And for a second I thought it might be because it was supposed to look like needlepoint. But I think it's just really low resolution. It's JPEG'd out. I think there's a lot of the label is just a scenario from Return to Zork. Here's the other thing that makes me concerned about these pickles. Well, I mean, there's the issue that I've asked people to make me pickles, and their response has been to go to the store and try and buy my love. Way to go, divorced dad.

The other thing is, on the top of this jar of pickles it says googer foog web what the fuck does that mean have I been caught up in some googers foog web that's a Star Trek Voyager episode actually

oh googers foog web yeah okay well we ask when something momentous happens to you you call us Voyager episode, actually. Oh, Gugger's Fugueb. Yeah. Okay, well, we ask when something momentous happens to you, you call us at 206-984-4FUN. We have some telephone calls. Ready?

Aimed? Sunny D, fire. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Tom from Philly, and I have a kind of momentous occasion. Parked at a stoplight, I just saw what appears to be a spray-painted black Camaro with the Juggalo symbol painted on both the front and back, a Hello Kitty sticker in the rear window, and the driver of the vehicle was a gentleman

with a shaved head and no shirt, and he appeared to be pulling out one of his teeth that were still attached to his gums. I don't have any words. Sir. All right. Love the show. Bye. There are no words. You should have sent a poet. I don't have any words Sir Alright, close the show, bye There are no words You should have sent a poet This is just a nightmare you had

Yeah You're calling us from inside a lucid dream You chose to dream there How many of the drugs did you do? Most drugs? All drugs? Yeah, that would explain the tooth removal part of it What of the drugs did you do? Most drugs? All drugs? Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, that would explain the tooth removal part of it.

Yeah, interesting. Yeah, that – yeah, sure. There's something – what is it about driving with no shirt on that just seems like the tackiest – like that's the craziest redneck thing in the world is driving without a shirt on. I guess there's no like reason it should be, but it just seems like that's when you've said fuck it. Like that's a really distinct line you've crossed to fuck it town. That is a person that then their probably end destination is a place that has a sign that says no shirt, no shoes, no service.

And they just turn around. And then they get really pissed. Fuck that. And get back in their car. They're like, I got cigarettes in service. And they just turn around. And then they get really pissed. Fuck that. And get back in their car. They're like, I got cigarettes in here. And then they just leave. Right. And then they just spend the rest of the evening pacing outside the 7-Eleven.

Yeah. Just looking inside. That guy buys his cigarettes from a man in the woods. Right. Artisanal. Right. Yes. Yes.

This guy's very concerned with things being artisanal, locally sourced. This guy only eats local. Why won't the cigarette light – oh, someone whittled it. Sure. Oh, it's a ukulele. Ukulele. Excuse me. Yeah, I wonder about the Hello Kitty sticker too, where that comes from.

But that kind of seems – I don't know. For some reason, that makes sense. I think it probably comes from the Sanrio store. Right. That makes sense of Juggalo to me in a weird way, though. Really? You wouldn't think Bad, Bad Botsmaru? Yeah, no.

You probably would be Bad, Bad Botsmaru. Would be the Juggalo's favorite character in the Sanrio family. Maybe Peggle the Penguin? Ipple the Penguin? I think – Iggle the Penguin. Igg. Maybe Peggle the penguin? No. Ipple the penguin. I think... Iggle the penguin. Iggle?

What's the penguin's name? I think Peggle. Peggle. Peggle sounds more right to me. Fruit Ninja the penguin. My favorite one is definitely Bad, Bad Botsmaru. No, I mean, of course. I think he's a frog.

I mean, he's a Botsmaru. Oh. Yeah, which is a Japanese prostitute. Let's take our next call. Jordan, Jesse, holy shit, like a year

and a half ago I gave birth to a baby in front of a Pizza Hut Taco Bell and we contacted Taco Bell a little while ago

just to tell them the story. A co-worker said, oh hey, you might get a gift certificate, whatever, whatever. Huge box just arrived at my door full of Taco Bell swag, like American Apparel shirts and Chanel baby blankets and fitted caps all emblazoned with the Live Moss logo and handcrafted jewelry

with her name on it for my daughter, and $100 in gift biscuits. Screw San Francisco burritos. Taco Bell is now the new king of Mexican cuisine. Peace. And my husband is on his way to pick me up in his Juggalo car with a Hello Kitty sticker. He feels shirtless. What a sad story. Oh, my God.

Wow. All that Taco Bell swag. I'm guessing that the little bracelet they made for the girl, it says Gordita. I mean, they absolutely had to have named their kid Gordita. How much of this swag was made of Doritos? Like, how much of it was folded? I can understand, though, because I was talking to our doula the other day. My wife's pregnant.

We were talking to our doula, and we were considering having the baby at Wing Street. Yeah. Well, it's all about where you get the best swag. You would have a natural birth at Wing Street. You know, the thing is, when you're really pushing, sometimes a spicy boneless wing, you're messing with the bones. Yeah, that'll rocket the baby right out. No.

Into a brass tub filled with blue cheese. Number one, thank you for using our show to advertise Taco Bell. Of all the horrible brands to plug on our show. Of all of the remorselessly disgusting companies. Are you suggesting that she should have had her baby in front of a more respectable? Yeah, Le Cirque. Sure. Yeah, right?

Del Taco? Yeah, for instance. You can get fries, too. That's true. You can get fries. I'm a huge Taco Bell fan. I grew up on that stuff. Interesting.

I love the Fiesta size. I don't know if you guys remember that. Tiny burritos for even less money. Sure. Well, you know, and for Fiestas. Yeah, for Fiestas. You know, you just get 30 burritos. I was wondering why she didn't choose Pizza Hut, too.

I mean, I guess maybe you go because it says it was a combo Pizza Hut, Taco Bell. Why is she trying to shake down Taco Bell? Yeah. She just wanted them to know the story. I'm against this lady. She seemed like a nice woman. She seemed very happy, but I hate her. I don't like her for not going after Pizza Hut for the Back to the Future 2.

If I— Promotional glasses. Because by glasses, I mean sunglasses. I want to have a baby in front of a pizza hut just to get that. Well, she could have gone after Taco Bell for the promotional Demolition Man glasses, too. Yes. There you go. Yeah, that would be a cool thing to do is, like, demand outdated tie-in swag.

Because you know they have a vault somewhere. They've totally got a vault. Of, like, Taco Man. Yeah. Taco Man. If I saw this woman on the street, I'd steal her baby. And you know how I'd recognize it? It's the baby wearing Taco Bell clothes.

Covered in sour cream and guacamole. It's a supreme baby. That's how you can tell it's a supreme baby. Little tomatoes on the side. Yeah, right. I always take those off. Let's take our next call. Hey, guys.

I'm calling. This is Matt from Poland, Maine. I'm calling to report a momentous occasion. I sound a bit tired probably, but you'll know why in a second. Last year, I was a two-term member of the Maine Conservation Corps. We build or repair trails. This last week was my first week as a team leader. I led a team out into the field. We lived in tents and were building a set of rock stairs. It rained on us all week. One day, we rescued an old man from the mountain who had gotten fatigued and couldn't get down. Two days after that, there was a giant

windstorm where trees were falling in front of and behind us, and we had to chainsaw our way in and out to escape. And then there was a day where a 600-pound rock fell on my foot, and I didn't get injured because of my steel toes, but it was still a little scary. That was a pretty full week, even for MCC, and now it's over. And everything, despite that stuff, went really well, and I'm feeling pretty chuffed about my first week as a leader. So that's it. And that's why I sound so tired.

Have a good day, guys. I love the show. Bye. I think he's just tired from telling us all that different stuff. I think he's tired from trying to make a telephone call with a speaking spell. First of all, I'd like to thank this gentleman for saving our nation from the Great Depression. Right. Yeah, I don't quite understand what his organization is doing other than putting him –

He's cutting him trails. Okay. He's cutting trails and building a rock staircase. Okay. Which I don't think staircase – I don't think rocks want to be staircase. I don't think they want to be rocks. Yeah. Maybe that's why one of them jumped on his foot.

Here's another concern I have with this call. Sure. How does a 600-pound rock fall on your foot? Number one, how do you know it's 600 pounds? Did you weigh it? I don't think so. Yeah. You didn't bring a fucking...

Did a gorilla pick it up and you're like, that must be 600 pounds. That's how much a gorilla can lift. Well, some steel-toed... No more, no less. Some steel-toed boots actually have little scales in them. So I think you guys probably just don't know. Does it light up your eyes? Like the needle is in your eyeball.

Yes, exactly. Yeah, right. Like when a cartoon character gets hit with a mallet. Sure. I assumed it was like a Fitbit. Like it tracks what you've dropped on your foot every day. Oh, yeah. You can get in competitions with your friends.

Sure, it connects to an iPhone app. Sure. What have you dropped on your foot every day? Oh, yeah. You can get in competitions with your friends. Sure, it connects to an iPhone app. Sure. What have you dropped on your foot today? Okay, so number one, the old man who was quote unquote fatigued in the mountains,

he just wanted someone to carry him home. He's a carry, he's a, he's a, a lazy old person. A typical lazy old. Conservation fetishist.

Oh, okay. Conservation carrying fetishist, specifically. So he'll go up the mountain where he knows the main conservation corps is going to be. He'll pretend to be fatigued so that a strapping young man will throw him over his shoulder and carry him down the hill back to the home. When does he jack off? The whole time. Okay. Even while he's lost?

He's an old man. It takes him a long time to reach climax. Sure. Even when he's on the back? Still jerking when he's a human backpack? Yeah, human backpack. You've heard of a reach around, right? Oh, yes. In this case, what he's doing, he's

got very long arms like former basketball star Donyell Marshall. Sure. Gibbon's cute. And he reaches around the front and back and grabs his own junk around the side there. Okay. Reach around around. You reach around around.

Well, that's the signature move of the conservation fetishist community. Yeah, true. The human backpacks, they like to call themselves. You know what? I say don't even conserve Maine. Yeah? Let it sweep into the sea. Is Maine in danger of becoming sea-bound?

I guess if it doesn't have enough berms. That's true. Do you think the lobsters are just there at the base of Maine, slowly clipping away at it? Like Andy Dufresne. Yeah, exactly. Putting up Raquel Welch posters. With this tiny rock hammer. And then the lobsters get out and they just hang themselves because they can't deal with society.

I'm sick of them bragging about lobsters. Yeah? That's my honest feeling. Yeah. Just because lobsters, you get so many fucking lobsters in Maine. You know what else you have? A 10-month winter. So suck on that, lobster boys.

And I don't think your lighthouses are that cool. Yeah. Lighthouses are completely unremarkable buildings. It's just a tall, skinny staircase with a light bulb at the top. It's basically a flashlight. Sounds like Maine's a little obsessed with staircases. Yeah. You know what?

I'm tired of these Mainers. I'm tired of how stuck up they are. I'm tired of how they think they're- You're tired of Maynard from Tool. I am. I'm tired of how they think they're better than everyone because they're fucking shellfish. Yeah. We got news for you, Maine.

The lobsters are trying to destroy your state. Can I stop? They're doing little clips at the base. I'm tired of your lobster rolls. I'm tired of how they cost $13, which is too much for a sandwich. And I'm tired of how they're made of butter. It's just a butter sandwich. That's what's in a lobster roll.

With like red. Shellfish and butter. Butter and red. That's not a sandwich. Put something on your sandwich. Just because it has bread and butter. That's not a sandwich. Put something on your sandwich.

Just because it has bread and butter, it's like if a roast beef sandwich was two slices of bread, roast beef, and butter. That sounds pretty good. It would be pretty good, actually. Sounds pretty good. You know what, Maine? I take it all back. You're doing good work out there. Send us some sandwiches. Make some more stairs.

Yeah. Send us a few lobsters, why don't you? Oh, and a gibbon. Covered in butter. You know, one of the things is, in Maine, you know, you drive 50 miles, you're in a whole other climate, you know? You can go from skiing to lobstering to swinging from vine to vine in the jungle. You know, gibbons have that tender arm meat. Yeah. You got those long swinging arms.

Oof. Yeah. Gibbon arms. Get a nice, like a nice sourdough, like a rustic sourdough. Yeah, sure. Some butter. Mm-hmm. And some gibbon arm meat.

Oh, yeah. And you braise it. Just pop that arm on there. If you really want it tender, you braise it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Let's go. I can't even begin to tell you about the flavor of the salted licorice. It's in my mouth.

It's indescribable. It's like, it's so strong. Yeah. Just imagine if a salted caramel was half caramel, half salt. Yeah. And then replace the caramel, half salt. Yeah. And then replaced the caramel flavor with licorice. That's what we've got here. And I keep eating it.

That's the third time I've eaten it. Keep going back. Don't eat it. I don't understand why I keep making these mistakes. You're just in a cycle of bad choices. Look, folks out there, I've had a lot of fun talking to you. I'm sure Jordan and Rhea have too. Yep.

Are we started? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, we started a long time ago. Oh, okay. Did I not never say it's Jordan and Jesse? You didn't. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio.

Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Rhea, what did I do? What's that skateboard trick you just said? It was a reverse Madonna into a Sean Penn. Wow, you went Madonna into a Sean Penn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Typically you'd go Sean Penn into a Madonna. Yeah, but you know what?

I like to play around with gender roles. I'm not a sexist clown. So is Madonna. Yeah. Sometimes on Madonna's birthday. Should take some MDA. Hey, sometimes on Sean Penn's birthday. That's true.

He enjoys prostate stimulation. But only one day a year. Well he's also married to Robin Wright Penn now. So. Do you think she gives it to him

up the butt? No. I would say Jude Law does. Jude Law comes over? That's just based on Sean Penn's vociferous defense

of Jude Law that one time when Chris Rock made some Jude Law jokes at the Oscars and then Sean Penn came out and like scolded, scolded Chris Rock. Wow.

That was a lot of fun. Good times. Yeah, a lot of fun. You know what I like? Wait, Sean Penn doesn't have much of a sense of humor? I know. It seems weird, right? Huh.

Yeah. That doesn't seem right. Yeah. He seems like a kind of freewheeling guy. Yeah, just like a lot of fun. Yeah. Takes life as it comes just like a lot of fun. Yeah. Takes life as it comes. Like a cool auntie.

Yeah, exactly. I loved him as Flat Top from Dick Tracy in Gangster Squad recently. Yeah. That was pretty good. For sure. That's a really complicated joke, Ria. I say you do that on stage and you just give $10 to anyone who laughs at it. If you clap at this, I'm your best friend.

Here's an interlocked system of illusions. People just like their eyes are spinning around trying to. After you make that joke, the Ria Butcher dancers come out and just dance for 10 minutes. They have IMDB t-shirts on. Okay, look. If you enjoy Rhea Butcher, and let's be honest, who doesn't? Here's two great ways to spend more time with her. Number one, the smash hit podcast Wham Bam Pow from the MaximumFun.org family.

This is a podcast about action and sci-fi movies, which I bet you already like. It has Ricky Carmona and Cameron Esposito, who've been on this program before, and you love them. It's got Rhea Butcher. She's a delight. She's the Lady James Dean. She's a former professional skateboarder. She's finished third in the Cleveland Vans competition. If you want to, she'll compare Tom Cruise movies

on Twitter with you. Absolutely nonstop. Yeah. You can follow her at Rhea Butcher, by the way, on Twitter. And furthermore, get on the fucking boat. Boatparty.biz. Let's do this. Max Fun Con's over.

Heard from a lot of people. Best Max Fun Con ever. Thank you very much. Happy to hear it. Let's get on the fucking boat. Straighten your lives out. Make a budget. Get on the boat.

Organize your remotes. Get on the boat. Organize your remotes. Get on the boat. Get yourself a ledge. Put your remote on it. Then go to the boat. Or a little fire safe. Yeah. Leave the key right at the fire safe because the whole thing is like you don't want a burglar to steal the whole safe because they think there's jewels in there.

Jason, you're Prometheus, the first man. You have the secret to fire. Yeah. That's true. I also live in the Amazonian rainforest. And so there's some guys that aren't on board with it yet. And I'm really important in their culture. Rhea Butcher, at Rhea Butcher on Twitter.

Stand-up comedies across Los Angeles and this great nation. Mm-hmm. Going anywhere exciting? In July, July 5th, I'm going to be at the Hideout Inn in Chicago with one Cameron Esposito for her Freedom Fest. Sounds like a fun bill. Yeah, one night only. We're going to be talking about America, what makes it great. Sure.

Probably just our lives, too, but, you know. So come check that out if you're in Chicago or surrounding areas. Did you notice that we did a competition on Jordan Jesse Go in Met Max Fun Con where our friend Dan Kennedy and our friend – who else was on the show with us? Maeve Higgins. Ah, Maeve Higgins was on the show with us. Yes. Dan Kennedy and Maeve Higgins had to do a quiz about America and the UK. And Dan Kennedy briefly tried to chant USA.

The audience did not join him as they had with Greg Barrett when Greg Barrett chanted USA one year ago. Wow. Do you think it's all these drone strikes? I think it's the drone strikes. And then NSA revelations. Yeah, sure. Sonny D's nodding emphatically. Yeah, NSA revelations for me.

That's why I didn't chant it. Yeah, NSA stuff. IRS. Verizon. Sure, IRS. Sure, IRS. AP. Yeah.

Benghazi. Guys, I could go on and on. This country's going to shit. Yeah. Could the purge be far behind? Hey, you know, the purge takes place in 2022.

That's like such a, like such an, like, like that's when America's going to fall apart. Like that's how long it'll take. Like we will be-

Well, you don't see the early signs that are happening right now and the mid-level signs that are also happening right now and the advanced signs that are happening right now

because 2022 is nine years from now. Are you saying there's mini purges going on? There could be some. There's a circus down the street. First, yeah. Oh, yeah. What do you think the circus is?

That's a type of purge. Yeah. I think a circus down the street is a perfect sign of the impending purges. Yeah. I mean, look at all the binging that's going on. That's true. You got to be concerned about purges. Yeah. I mean, look at all the binging that's going on. That's true. You got to be concerned about purges. Yeah.

The movie The Purge didn't say what number purge we were seeing. I wonder how long it had been going on because if it – like when are they anticipating the first purges, I wonder? Oh. Because if we're seeing – if that movie is in 2022, there had been a few before that. It seems like old hat to everyone in the movie. They seemed used to the purge. They seemed used to purges and purging? Yeah.

Do you think – realistically, first purge, what do you guys think? 2016, 2017? I was going to say 2016. Yeah. Because you can already see the signs. Like I've eaten three donuts today. Oh, well, there you go. And I mean, so how long you'll just start murdering in the streets?

Yeah. Who gets purged in the movie The Purge? Burgess Meredith? Tell me it's purged from Parks and Recreation. Purged happily. Purged, purged. Headline. Purge happily. Purge. Purge. Headline in the Daily Variety. Yeah.

Not enough people get purged in The Purge for my liking. Yeah. It's a boring movie. It's a super boring movie. But who gets purged? Some like waspy guys. Did somebody pop out and go, y'all been purged? No.

Waspy guys get purged? Yeah. That's the main people who do purging are like kind of comical. Who purges and who doesn't purge? Because you're saying if waspy guys are getting purged, I'm imagining. They're doing the purging though, but they also get purged in the act of purging. They themselves get purged. They attempt to purge.

And they get purged. They themselves get purged. They attempt to purge. And they get purged. I'm imagining them purging the membership roles of their country club of Jews. Yeah. And then I'm imagining a real Henny Youngman type motherfucker just going around killing everyone in tennis shorts. Oh, yeah. That's the purge that I'd like to see.

A little more buckshot maybe? Boom. Purge. Yeah. I buckshot maybe? Boom. Purge. Yeah. I think that would be fun. Yeah. Well, we got to go to the studio.

We got to get this picture green. Yes. Yeah. Our producer, Brian Fernandez, Sonny D over on the boards. Our theme music is Love You by the Free Design. Are we just calling it Jew Purge? Is that? Too soon, Jordan. Okay.

Too soon. Yeah, that's true. The Purge did just come out this weekend. It's only the Great Depression. We haven't gotten through. Okay. Love you by the free design, courtesy of the free design and Light in the Attic Records. This is the kind of brand associations they're looking for.

records. This is the kind of brand associations they're looking for. And, hey, if you're out there, fucking tell somebody you like Jordan Jesse Go. Sure. Tell somebody at Taco Bell. Yeah. Pass them a note. I don't give a shit. Tell somebody at Del Taco. Tell somebody at a fucking taco

place where they have actual tacos, which are just as fast, cheaper, and taste good. For instance. Tell somebody in Ohio's doing a kickflip, Ollie. Yeah. Tuesday. 360.

Fruit Loop. Dude. Seriously, though. Tell somebody about Jordan Essigoff. Yeah, why wouldn't you? It's not hard to get into. Yeah, it's not dense. We don't have a dense mythology.

No, we do have moderately dense mythology, but I don not dense. We don't have a dense mythology. No, we do have moderately dense mythology, but I don't think you're... But I think we... When are we going to retcon this? Ultimate Jordan and Jesse Go? Yeah, just start from the beginning. Let's do that shit. The origin, make it more relatable to

modern audiences. When are you going to Star Trek 2009 this thing? Oh, yeah. Sure, we got to Star Trek 2009. Let's get Chris Pine in here to play me. Can I be Latino? Yeah, sure. Great. Thank God. And you'll be a lady. But like a

multi-ethnic lady. Zoe Saldana. Yeah. Specifically. I mean I know that it's a little on the nose because we're Star Trek-ing this but I mean she's perfect. Right. I mean I'm Latino. I don't think there's any Latinos on that Star Trek, is there? No. Sadly, no.

Spock's a little swarthy. He's a little bit. A few swarthies. Seems more Greek. Well, Khan. Yeah, Khan is originally Ricardo Montalban. Yeah. I think our guest every week is Ricardo Montalban.

I like that. He talks about rich Corinthian leather. That's a reference that I know only through comedians in the 80s. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.