Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 279: The Optometrist's Daughter with Alison Becker

Episode Date: June 17, 2013

Alison Becker joins Jordan and Jesse for a comparison of spa experiences, an exploration of American Girl dolls, and a discussion of a new exercise technique.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Great news, Jordan. What is the great news, Jesse? My lymph nodes have been massaged. Oh, congratulations.

If my voice sounds particularly rich today, it's because of the lymphatic massage that I unexpectedly received. How did that happen? I went to a massage place. Okay. So you knew you were getting a massage. This wasn't like a – This didn't happen to me on the train. This wasn't improv everywhere's most intrusive prank yet.

Improv Everywhere's most intrusive prank yet. No, it was, what happened is, well, look. I bet our guest, Alison Becker, has some insights on this subject. Great. She looks, she's got an athletic build. She probably gets a regular rub down. So let's bring her into the mix. You probably know her from television, Parks and Recreation television program.

Just saw her the other night on Parks and Recreation television program. I'm guessing it was hilarious. Oh, she was tremendous. She asked a question. She was a reporter. She plays a reporter on the program. Yeah. Allison Becker, welcome to the show.

Thanks for having me, guys. Thanks for being here. Now, you've been on several Jesse-free episodes. I was on one Jesse-free episode. These are non-canonical episodes. Yes. What they would call in the comic book world imaginary stories. Oh, is that what they're called? Yeah.

Wow. I'm surprised that there is an element of canon versus non-canon that I have not yet learned from you, Jordan. Yeah. It's the main thing that I know about yet learned from you, Jordan. Yeah. It's the main thing that I know about. Okay. So imaginary stories. Yeah. Is that like, I remember I had a serial comic book called What If?

Where it was like a jokey premise. What if Wolverine had, I don't know, you know, a bear on his hand instead of claws or something? Sure. I don't remember. But it was treated seriously? The one I had, I think it was a jokey one. But I get that. Maybe it's not always jokey.

Yeah. I mean, I think there's some. I mean, I think, you know, the quintessential imaginary story is Alan Moore's Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow. And it supposes, you know, what if everyone Superman knew died? And then there's also Batman visits Superman for his birthday. And these are imaginary stories. Is it just the two of them or is there a party? Robin, who at that time is Justin Todd, comes along and also Wonder Woman is there.

This is a sad birthday party for a superhero. It is a little bit sad. This isn't like a traditional comic book that's more documentary style. Right, exactly. So this is, you know, you explore an element of the character that maybe, you know,

would be problematic in the universe. And that's what I feel like the episodes where one of us isn't here are. They're exploration. They're lonely birthdays. Yeah, they're lonely. They're Superman's lonely birthday. It's like the family man cut tos.

Yeah, sure. Right? Family guy. Family guy. Mom. You know, the family man. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

The family guy cut tos are not happening in the world. They're just imaginary? I think so, yeah. I think they're imaginary. Wow, this show makes a lot more sense now. Yeah. It is way more linear. Wow. The show makes a lot more sense now. Yeah. It is way more linear. Wow.

I feel like I just watched that Pulp Fiction where all of the elements are in time linear order. Did they recut that? I think somebody made a Pulp Fiction where everything happens in order. Yeah. Is it eye-opening? Oh, sure. Absolutely. What did you learn?

Yeah. Is it eye-opening? Oh, sure. Absolutely. What did you learn? Well, you learned that eating ain't cheating. That's one thing. Sure.

I learned about Samuel L. Jackson. I learned, I'll tell you what I learned. I learned John Travolta is a lot more than just Grease and Saturday Night Fever. Okay, that's fair. Sure. And Welcome Back, Carter. And Battlefield Earth. There's a real actor behind there. So let's get back to your nodes, right?

Yeah, so- Lymph nodes, we should clarify. Excuse me. Yes. It's not just a miscellaneous node. I meant the control panel where you launch your missiles from. I'm not the networked man. Yeah.

Were you getting a massage? I was getting a massage. So it wasn't a situation where I'm on a public bus and a man gets up in my nose. Yeah. Okay. It was a massage situation. But you guys may have noticed our listener is time shifting this program. So they don't know this.

But I was a few minutes late. The reason is I went in for a 2.30 massage thinking I'll be done at 3.30. I'll walk over here to the office. Great plan. Ready to go at 4 p.m. I'll walk over here to the office. Great plan. Ready to go at 4 p.m. for the Jordan Jersey Go-Go Report. This is all sound. But apparently, that's not how it went down. Feeling good.

I'm eliminating my lactic acid buildup, of course. And I guess an hour in, she sort of yelled at me, minutes more then I'm finished. I'm not going to do a Korean lady whose English is very poor voice. Yeah. Because that would be offensive. Sure. Especially if it was as sort of broad

as her actual voice. So you're saying you were offended by her actual voice. I thought it was a little over the line. I thought it was a little Breakfast at Tiffany's. Sure. Well, I hear that. I mean, I know your masseuse personally.

He was playing a Chinaman in Breakfast at Tiffany's, to be fair. So – Yeah. Yeah. I do know your masseuse and I do know that she is auditioning for the Mad TV reboot. Yeah. That's true. So she's probably just –

She's going to get it. I think she's got a good chance she's got a good chance but so uh so two things happened one is a 60 minute massage and i wasn't sure whether it had been 30 minutes and she was just saying there's 30 minutes until the end fair you lose track of time during a massage or if it had been 60 minutes and she was saying i'm gonna go a further 30 minutes but instead of, you decided to remain silent. Well, I just, no, I just consented. I just figured, here I am.

All I'm wearing is a pair of like mesh athletic shorts, which is what they give you in a Korean massage. Have you ever been to, very close to here, have either of you been to the Wii Spa? I have not. WI Spa? I've heard a lot about it. You get some special shorts and then you go in and – Anything called special shorts.

Yeah. It's really fun. You check in. No, no. These are really special shorts. You get some special shorts and you find out about how John Smith found two tablets. Yeah, exactly. It is a little bit weird that there's so many Korean Mormons, but, you know, you go with it.

Sure. Because the women are so attractive. Fastest growing religion in the world, Jordan. I didn't know that. Because they have a lot of babies, too. They do. Oh, is it? They've got babies and missionaries, the two key elements to a fast-growing religion.

Sure. So, yeah. So you go in there. You get these special shorts that are not really that comfortable. They're kind of like, you know, shorts an eight-year-old would wear. Do you wear anything underneath them? I did not. Okay.

Yeah, you don't. The thing is, is sometimes when you go in for a massage, you strip nude and you're under the sheet. Right. Done that. That's what I do. Nude under the sheet. Absolutely. But the Koreans are apparently a more modest people, so they give you a pair of like Marshall's basketball shorts to wear.

You know that kind of like a basketball jersey? You know that material that the jerseys they hand out in PE class are made of? That's what the shorts are made of. It's got the little tiny holes in it. But at a certain point, she rolled up those shorts until they were essentially a loincloth. And they had been, you know, full on mid-90s college basketball shorts. I mean, like almost to my knee. And at that point, I just, let's just take off the shorts at the beginning and cover

the butt with a sheet, you know, as necessary, cover the junk with a sheet. Sure. Just for access. Yeah. Because I don't need to be wearing a loincloth. Well, I mean, you don't need. Some kind of Daniel Day-Lewis. But for access. Yeah. Because I don't need to be wearing a loincloth. Well, I mean, you don't need- Some kind of Daniel Day-Lewis. But in many-

Wait, wait. What? Does Daniel Day-Lewis wear loincloths? Last of the Mohicans? Okay. Yeah. I don't know if that's what Daniel Day-Lewis is so much known for these days. I would agree with that.

Well, you are also. There was that one scene. Oh, you know what? In Lincoln. The Lincoln scene was Blu-ray only. Oh, okay. It's Blu-ray. Have you guys gotten the Blu-ray yet? Not yet. Not yet. Yeah. So there you go. That's why you didn what? In Lincoln. The Lincoln scene was Blu-ray only. Oh, okay. It's Blu-ray. Have you guys gotten the Blu-ray yet?

Not yet. Not yet. Yeah, so there you go. That's why you didn't know about that. I think it's taboo in Korean culture to show pubic hair, to see pubic hair. So maybe that's why it was covered. What about butt hair? I have that too.

Butt hair is totally fine. That's a okay? Yeah. Okay. And pickling cabbage is good. We know that. Sure. Just things we know about Korean culture.

And here's also what I know about Korean culture just from visiting various places in Koreatown. All coffee shops must have several flat screen TVs all showing the local news. That sure is true. Because you want high def TVs just showing. Just huge screens. Yeah. You wonder who's watching the local news. It's older people and anyone in a coffee shop in Koreatown.

What I have learned about Vietnamese culture from living in Los Angeles is that if you have a pho restaurant, it has to be a pun. The name of it has to be a pun. Sure, sure. They are all puns. Pho Cafe, 9021 Pho. I feel like that's especially true in any place where there aren't any other Vietnamese people. Yeah. And I feel

like what happens is maybe all the Vietnamese people running the Pho restaurants, they, maybe they have like a guy they go to, like a Bruce Valanche. You know what I mean? And it's possible that he also works on hair salon puns.

Sure. Yeah. That's fair. And he just has expanded his business into pho. I wonder how much he charges. I imagine him being an overweight 50-year-old gay man, by the way. Right. Sure.

Not unlike Bruce Volange. Yeah. That's probably fair. But he's fun. Yeah. He's a fun guy. But, I mean, that's who you need, though though because when you don't have a grasp of the language, it's hard to make jokes in a language that – It's hard to make jokes in a language you know.

Sure. Absolutely. Let alone one you don't know. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why you need kind of a buffer. Do you think it was a joke when she started massaging my lymph nodes? Well, how did it get there?

Was it a face massage? I had – no, it was a full body massage. No, but I mean was was she doing the face? Were you on your back? She wasn't doing it. I was on. Because you usually start on your stomach. I think I was on my back. She didn't really do face very much.

She did a lot of neck and shoulders, though. Did she say? Because you know sometimes if they're doing like a different thing, like I've had, you know, like, do you want a stomach massage was asked to me once. I declined. I definitely massage the stomach at this place that I go to. It is definitely my least favorite part. Quit poking my tummy. I don't need that.

Yeah. Get out of my – So did she say, I'm going to massage your lymph nodes? I feel like I'm like a little bit self-conscious about my like – I have a little bit of a beard gut and I'm like pretty – I just feel like I would just be ashamed the whole time. Well, it's – I don't think it just doesn't. It's very uncomfortable is the problem.

I mean, it is real pokey. I enjoy a massage. Don't get me wrong. But a massage of the belly is just poking is just poking. It's like you're the Pillsbury Doughboy, but not in a cute way. Like someone was attacking the Pillsbury Doughboy. Sure. Like imagine how you just Pillsbury Doughboy. Sure. Like imagine how you're just poking, just poking, poking.

You sound like my dad just describing a massage in general. It was just poking. They were just poking. Allison, I can give your mother 20 bucks to poke me at home. I was at $100. So, yes. Well, she said, she said, oh, lymph. And I, to be fair, one of my lymph nodes a little bit swollen, woke up with a little bit of a cold today.

Sure. You don't sound like you have a cold now. Well, I know that's because I got this. They rubbed out the cold. That's what I'm saying. That's very impressive. The cure for the common cold is vigorous Korean rubbing. Yes.

Impressive. The cure for the common cold is vigorous Korean rubbing. Yes. But let me ask you this about – I have not been to a full-on – the place I go to is just a massage place. But my wife sometimes likes to go to the Korean spa, which for anyone that lives somewhere where there's not a big Korean or Korean-American population is a full-on experience. Yeah. Korean or Korean-American population is a full-on experience. Like it is like the size of a mall but with different rooms and different activities in each room. Yes. Now it's starting to sound like an orgy house.

It kind of is. Is there sex at a Korean spa? No. I go to the Russian bathhouse, Voda Spa. Oh. What goes on there? There's no orgies. Okay. But, you know, same thing. what goes on there? There's no orgies. Okay.

But, you know, same thing. There's a hot room, a cold room. The Russians don't seem like a particularly sexual people. I don't know if that was an insult or a compliment. I'm just, just an observation. Just an observation. I'm just telling it like it is. I have not had sex with any Russians.

Do they? That's my. Do they rub you raw with a loofah at the Wii Spa? Because that's something that my wife mentioned about the Korean spa that she goes to from time to time. They'll beat you with eucalyptus leaves at the Russian spa. That's actually a thing that you pay for. That's just because they're film buffs and they think you'll appreciate reenacting a scene from The Virgin Spring. Yeah.

You know, it's funny because they charge you to get beaten by the eucalyptus leaves. They also charge someone to beat you with the lupine. Exactly. They're getting it from both. Sure. There's two kind of payment levels at the Wii Spa. One is where you can go and have things done to you. And then there's just a hangout price.

And that's what I did. And that's where you can go into various rooms. You go by yourself or with a friend, Jordan? I went with a friend this time. Oh, this was a date. This was like a third date situation. This was like a third date time to be cute situation. I'll tell you why.

That's a good idea because on a third date you want to do something gender separated. Yes, I know. Exactly. That's something I totally didn't account for is that there is a big gender separation issue. Oh, see, in the Russian one, they have co-ed days. So you're there together. There was co-ed areas where we could go in together and it was very fun. We like hot box my car before we went in. So we were all like a little bit baked. That's probably not a good idea though because you're dehydrated then. That also happens. Yes, we were very dehydrated. So, yeah, you can go in these various rooms that have different rocks as the base. There's like a salt room and a shale room and a –

What's shale? A kind of rock, kind of a smooth volcanic rock. OK. I mean – I don't think it's volcanic, Jordan. It might be volcanic. Geologists out there, do not email us. Geology nerds, you are – I probably want to hear from the grammar nerds more than the geology nerds.

And I don't want to hear from either of you. Don't even think about writing to us about Obsidian. Yeah. I probably got some of that Superman shit wrong too at the beginning. Yeah. And so you can go into various rooms that have different kind of bases and you can watch Korean soap operas. Are there subtitles? There are not subtitles.

Well, there are subtitles but they're in another language. Okay, great. It's in English. I will go to the Korean movie theater and I especially went to the Korean movie theater regularly when I lived here in Koreatown. and I think it may be projected from DVDs and always has Korean subtitles. Very nice movie theater in every other respect. There you go. Yeah, then you can go into a gender,

after you can lay in the various rooms together, you can go into the gender-only areas, which is kind of the nude old man area. And I sat – I got into – Weirdly for both genders. Yes, exactly. Even the women, nude old men. So I went – there was a nude old man hot tub, a bunch of nude old men.

I'm like, you know what? Let's do this. Full-on nude. Yeah. Even in the co-ed area? No, no, no. This is in the gender-only area, gender-separated area. The co-ed area.

No, no, no. This is in the gender only, gender separated area. So yeah, so I went in and I got in and I noticed that all four of these guys were all brushing their teeth at the same time. Oh my god. Yeah. And then I noticed there was a little dispenser of toothbrushes on the other side. So I got a toothbrush, sat down and started brushing my teeth with them and we all spit in the water, which was gross. That's disgusting.

Oh wow, you spit right in the water? Yeah, you spit right in the water. There's not a sluice? No, there's no sluice. So you're stewing in saliva and toothpaste? You should try the Russian one. Yeah. Saliva's not bad for you, by the way. I learned this from Mary Roach's book.

But you don't want to bathe in other people's saliva. But you can literally drink other people's saliva. You'll be perfectly fine. It's gross, though. There's no doubt about that. What was happening was gross. I won't be fine because I will be vomiting. Because I will be disgusted.

Right, it will make you vomit. Like, I might be physically fine, but emotionally I would not be fine. This was an important part of Mary Roach's last book. And I may have talked to her about this for Bullseye. She's on an upcoming Bullseye. But there are saliva researchers. And she tried to get a saliva researcher to drink some of her own saliva because saliva is completely – it is like incredibly sanitary. That's why it exists in part is because it gets rid of the nasties in your mouth.

And so it is one – it's fine to drink someone else's saliva but it's 1,000 percent OK to drink your own saliva. But the saliva researcher was too grossed out by it. Yeah, I think that's probably a – that's probably a common thing. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Did she say if it was OK to sit in someone else's saliva nude? Yeah, she actually said that's really good for you. Yeah.

It's good for your balls. OK. I don't believe that. Well, you don't have balls. I don't believe that. Well, you don't have balls. I don't believe any of what you're saying. This would not apply to you, Allison, because you don't. You know how people always say that thing about dogs? Like, if the dog, like, licks a cut on you, it's actually good because it's hygienic because of saliva.

But then other people are like, no, that's the dumbest thing you could do. It's full of bacteria. Yeah. A dog's mouth is full of bacteria. I just treat every wound as a jellyfish sting and piss on it. Right. That's not a great idea either. No, that's a really good call. Yeah. A dog's mouth is full of bacteria. I just treat every wound as a jellyfish sting and piss on it. Right? That's not a great idea either. No, that's a really good call.

You're not doctors. Jordan is a doctor, I think. I think Jordan is a doctor. Disclaimer, they're not doctors. Jordan, are you a doctor? I do sing the song Dr. Feel Good at karaoke. That counts. That counts.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Happy summer, everybody. Griffin McElroy here, the youngest of the McElroy brothers. I'm Travis McElroy, the middle-est brother. And I'm beloved performer Jimmy Buffett. He is not.

But we do do a podcast together called My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's a comedy advice show. You can find it at mbmbam.com, maximumfun.org, or just search for it on iTunes. I love you, Sacramento! You're not even on a stage. Griffin, are you watching the shrimp? They're beginning to boil. So join us this summer as we waste an hour of your life that you'll never get back ever again.

You know, I know something about wasting away again in Margaritaville. I'm beloved. I know you are. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. love you love you love you love you love you

love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

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love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Alison Becker, lady. I'm worried that my lymph powers are wearing off. Do you feel the cold coming back on? There may be some swelling returning to my lymphs. Can you self-massage? I could, but I would do a bad job. I think I would just end up salivating out of the corner of my mouth. I'm worried that it's erotic

and that you'll be sitting here with an erection. That erotic lymph massage? Yeah. This is certainly erotic. There's no doubt. Psychosomatic. The eroticism? No. I think the eroticism is psychosomatic. I know that the quintessential

piece of advice to women, i.e. pleasing a man, you'll hear, cup the balls, massage the balls. Sure. I say poke the lymphs. Yeah. Poke those lymphs. Yeah. Stay away from the balls.

Get up in the lymphs and see what you can juice out of there. Cup your hands. No. Yeah. The lymphs, they- Never been said to me. Never been said to me. Have you heard the common, this is a common refrain that the lymphs are the prostate of the upper neck.

No one – that was the first time that that sentence has been said in this room. Are you sure? Well, certainly in this room. But you've only been in this room a few times. I'm talking about in middle school, high school. Never been said. College, your RA probably gave you that advice.

Did you ever take a safe sex seminar? Listen, on my door I'm going to have condoms, dental dams, maps as to where the lymph nodes are. Get up in those lymphs! All the necessary stuff for freshmen to know. Sure. You're a frost, you're in the dorms, you're away from your parents the first times.

You're going to want to get up in the lymphs. Sure. Poke it. Poke those lymphs. Poke them lymphs. Gross. Allison, I feel like we have been neglecting you here with this discussion of my lymph nodes. Yeah.

No, I enjoy it. You want to talk about it some more? We can. I'm happy to continue. You got a 10-minute chunk on your nodes. Oh, man. And nodules on my notes. That's one thing I got.

Okay. Allison, what have you been up to lately? Tell me about what you, Allison Becker, have been up to lately. Anything exciting happened in your life besides when you recently visited my television while I was watching Parks and Recreation? Well, I was telling Jordan that my dog had some teeth removed. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. What happened?

He wasn't brushing? He wasn't brushing. Yeah. What happened? He wasn't brushing? He wasn't brushing. Flossing, though. He wasn't flossing. No? Every once in a while, I'd just use mouthwash, and I was like,

that's not going to do it. You feed your dog taffy, though, right? That's what you're supposed to feed dogs. So, yes, that's what I feed him. And they had to put a little doggy IV in him and give him surgery and put him under, and then... Quick question.

Yeah. The taffy, is that salt or standard water? Salt water. Gotcha. It's still water taffy, so it has a lot of algae, bacteria in it. But do they actually use salt water to make taffy? Or is that just the name of it? Brian Fernandez is going to look that up for us.

I can't imagine they're just using straight seawater. Right? That can't be good for you. Just from the bilge of a ship. You'd be concerned about finding anchovies and barnacles in there. It doesn't taste fishy. Yeah. No, it tastes good.

I think it's, okay, I mean, this is my, I mean, I guess my, we went to college at UC Santa Cruz, the famous boardwalk, famous taffy stands. Well, that's, it's always near, it's always sold near the beach. That's what I was going to say. Is it just taffy you buy near a big body of saltwater? Can I ask you this question? Please. Is the ultimate luxury a home taffy puller?

Oh, I mean. For some, maybe. Not for me. No seawater. Brian Fernandez tells us there is no seawater in saltwater taffy. So it's just sold near saltwater. So that's like saying saltwater coffee. A Coney Island Red Hot.

That's made out of rabbits, right? Yes, I think so. I think yes. You want to go. You want to ride the Ferris wheel. You want to ride the – Cyclone. Have yourself a coney.

Sure. It's a rabbit in a bun. Head on. Okay. So was your dog hesitant to chew foods? How did you identify this dental issue? The doctor said his teeth were loose and they had to come out. Wow.

Did you bring him in for a tooth check? I brought him in for a regular checkup. And you just said, shake those teeth around and see how they're doing. And the doctor, I know you're assuming, I know you're envisioning a man doctor, but he's actually a woman doctor, so shame on you both. Thank you for pointing us out our sexism. But were you or were you

not imagining a man vet? I was, and you know what? He was white too. He was white. I am both sexist. Jesse, do you remember what you were envisioning? I was actually envisioning a dog in a fat costume. Like with one of those reflector mirrors on his forehead. That only cartoon doctors have.

Yeah. Jesse's such an enlightened guy. He doesn't see species. Well, she is a female doctor. She is white. That's good. That's further back. She female doctor. She is white. That's good. That's further back. She sounds hot. She sounds hot. She actually was probably the most attractive vet

I have ever met. She was the new vet at this office. I don't think veterinarian is a career, with all due respect to veterinarians, I think a veterinarian is a career that you go into if you're bookish and don't relate to humans well. I agree. As someone who doesn't relate to humans well. I agree. As someone who doesn't relate to humans, I agree because I consider veterinary school.

Yeah, sure. Like, yeah, animals are awesome. She's kind of a foxy vet. But she's like really foxy. We're talking about blonde? She's blonde. She's like our age. I don't know if she had a wedding ring on, I'm just saying.

Wow. I do. Wait, I did. What? You took a wedding ring off? Hey, guys, I think I saying. Wow. I do. Wait, I did. Hey guys, I think I can hear my cat getting worms. Oh no! That guy's gotta go. I love it. You intentionally

give your cat worms just to go to this bed. Is there like a mail order parasite place? Jordan's just at the bait shop buying night crawlers. Yes. You're kidding me. Come here.

Wiggling it around, hoping she'll eat it. Well, hot sexy vet said that his teeth were loose and they needed to come out. I knew that they were loose, but I was in denial. Here's the thing about, and I have met your dog, Dignan. Dignan is my dog. He is adorable. He's adorable. I mean, up there in the world of dog cuteness.

Like, cuter than Boo. Part of... Boo, who's known as the world's cutest dog. Oh, that's right. Okay, yes. Who can walk on two legs? Is this the two-legged dog? Most dogs can walk on two legs.

Is this? This dog can walk on two legs. The one I'm thinking of, the internet dog I'm thinking of can walk through a store on two legs. This one looks like a teddy bear. The one I'm thinking of is the star of the show All Creatures Great and Small. He's a country veterinarian and he travels from farm to farm. Is this a bit or is this a real show? It's a real show.

But he doesn't star a dog. No, he does not star a dog. He should. That's a really good point. Part of Dignan's charm and part of his cuteness is his underbite. Yeah, he had an underbite no longer. Oh, boy.

Wow. Removed the underbite, huh? They took out the underbite by removing those teeth. Wow. And that's like, you know, Laura Hutton closing the gap in her mouth, you know? This is serious. Like, it's, I don't know. I don't know if he's going to be as famous as he once was. As successful.

Because he has had a very, very interesting career. He has. And by that I mean lots of successful Instagrams of him by you. Yeah. How are you relating to him? Are you like, who is this stranger? At first it was hard. I'm not going to lie.

I feel that way when my dog gets a haircut. Yeah, it's weird, right? It's like a different dog. Who put this other dog in my house? Yeah. Or in my case, who put this baby seal in my house? My dog looks like a baby seal or otter. Like a chihuahua terrier mix.

So she's got like scruffy long fur, but when she gets a summer haircut, she gets short, shiny fur. But do you pretend the way that you pretend when a loved one gets a haircut that you like it? And you're like, it's great. Oh, it's ignorant. Your teeth look so good. They look so good. I do. Well, there are new advantages.

Like with my dog, when she gets a haircut, one of our dogs doesn't really, she doesn't do haircuts. She's got short hair. But the one with the longer hair. She just doesn't do them. Oh, I don't do haircuts. I don't do haircuts she's got short hair but uh the one with the longer hair doesn't do them oh i don't do haircuts um i don't do haircuts yeah so the other one she says that while texting on a little phone one funny thing is very rude when she has short hair her little chub folds show up that's fucking adorable and so that's worth it like i miss her scruffiness but the chub folds balance it out. Sounds pretty good. Yeah.

And you have a little boy, right? I have a little boy, yeah. Has he gotten haircuts yet? Yeah, we shave him down once or twice. So he's more aerodynamic. Has he gone to like get a haircut yet? Yeah, we have taken him to get a haircut and we took him to the child haircut store. And that's where they like sit you in a fire truck and...

Yeah, I'm looking forward to, I'm really excited about by the time he's like five, four or five, he'll be able to go to the Mexican barbershop, which is where I get my haircut. By himself. That's right. Absolutely. Talk about sports. It is a, it is a wonderful, exciting place. But for now we put him, we, you know, he wants to sit in the fire truck.

How do you do? Completely could not have cared any less about what was happening to his head. Great. You know what would be super cute is if at those places they did baby shaves. Oh, that would be tremendous. Like they had a – not like a plastic straight razor. Sure. And they like pretended to sharpen it. I would pay an extra $5 just for that. And, you know, you put a plastic straight razor. Sure. And they like pretended to sharpen it.

I would pay an extra $5 just for that. And, you know, you put a little cream on, you pretend to shave. You could take a lot of pictures of the kid while he's getting a baby shave. I would pay total, bottom line, two bits. Right. Get it? And the barber would have to bite it to make sure it was real. Yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, my gosh. How much does that baby haircut cost you? It's not an insignificant expense. You're looking at $15. Okay. I just told my boyfriend about this.

I don't know if you guys – do you know what American Girl Doll Place is? Yes. My sister was a big American Girl haver. Okay. These are – And you know the whole – That's what they call themselves, right? American Girl Havers.

It's not a very catchy name. It's like Trekkers. Right. Exactly. Sure. not a very catchy name. It's like Trekkers. Right. Exactly. Sure. They have a whole thing. Like you can make a reservation, do a tea party with them. And then they have if your doll is.

So wait. So American Girls, they're these dolls who have been through various historical tragedies. Yes. Yeah. Like one from the Titanic, one from slavery times. Are they all from. I didn't realize they were all from tragedies. Are they?

I mean, they're substantially. Basically, all of history is tragic, one from slavery times. Are they all from – I didn't realize they were all from tragedies. Are they? I mean – I think they're substantially from tragedies. Basically all of history is tragic, right? I mean – It's only recently that there were countries in the world where not everyone died when they were born. True, true. You know what I mean? So, yeah, there's Lil Plaguey who comes with Rat.

I got the festering boob oils add-on kit for Little Planky. That is a lot of fun. Yeah. So – but you can also dress up your American Girl doll to look like you. Yes, which is expensive. Like you can buy matching outfits. Yeah. So – but I didn't know there was a place you could go.

Well, there's a place. Like they have one at the Grove called the American Girl Palace or American Girl Store. And there's like a restaurant in there. Then if your doll – There's the fallout shelter for the World War II girls. And you go in there with a lot of canned goods. But if your doll is damaged – Or excuse me, Cuban Missile Crisis.

Cuban Missile Crisis. You bring it to this station where you pay women dressed up as nurses to repair your doll. And then what I was thinking of with the haircut is you actually can pay to get your doll's hair done. And technically this isn't a sex thing. It's not a sex thing. It could be. I'm sure there's one that exists somewhere. I'm sure there's like a pornography version of American Girl Palace.

Right. Maybe like, you know, the place closes down at 7, 6 or 7, and then around 10, American Girls, after dark, that's when mommy and daddy come in. The bowls come up from the floor. Yeah. And then you can, you know, the nurses, maybe the bottom of the skirt comes off. Just flies off, yeah. Sure.

You unzip the top a little down. But they're kind of like raping parents because it's like, I don't know, it's like 40 bucks or something to get your doll's hair done. But they don't actually cut the doll's hair. No, they curl it. And there's no actual sexual assault. No, unless you pay an extra $5. That's right.

American Girls After Dark, you can have a simulated kidnapping. That's a whole thing. If you spell girl with a U, it won't be copyright infringement. Girl, American Girl After Dark. The problem with the haircut is that their hair doesn't grow. Well, they style it. It's a hairdo. Yeah.

So it's like a blowout. It's like a blowout, but they're probably like curling it. Cornrows? Do you think this is where the blowout only haircut place has like where that trend started at the American girl place? No, but I think it's a great trend. Really? The blowout only.

You're interested in a blowout only? I haven't done blowout only, but I'm interested in it. What kind of blowout would you like to get? Ringlet curls, right? No, I would just do straight with a little bit of body. Just some extra body? Just some extra body. Right.

I would do the same thing. I'd get my hair feathered. I'm only into a blowout if they're also massaging my nose. Well, now they have makeup application places. Sorry. Now women are also doing the blowout and makeup application places. Like I have friends that are doing this. Who are applying makeup to strangers or going?

You go to the place and you pay like, I don't know, $25 and you get your makeup done. And then you go to the prom. Yeah. But like they're doing it to go like our friends. I'm not going to name names. Are your friends going to Quinceañera? Yes. Is that what's going on here?

I do not want to pay a woman whose style I don't agree with to do my makeup. Can I say one thing about Quinceañera? You may. Living in a predominantly Latino neighborhood, which I do, really makes you feel like you don't have enough major family social gatherings. I agree with that. Given the number of event rental, both equipment facilities and facilities for rent, there are more like Quonset huts for rent for quinceañeras in my neighborhood than there are any other type of business. Are you friends with your neighbors? Because you could just jump on their parties. Oh, yeah.

Right? I don't think there's any 13 or 14-year-old girls who are, I mean, that's what I'd be looking for. What you could do is you could just knock on every door

in your neighborhood and say, hi. Yeah, that's a good idea. That'll go well. I think it'll just go well. I can't imagine it wouldn't.

Yeah, I mean, that's something, I mean, I guess I had Jewish friends growing up, so I've been to a lot of bar and bat mitzvahs.

I have never been to a bar or bat mitzvah. Oh, it's a lot of fun. Yeah. There's a lot of like, I didn't do any. Caricature artists. Yeah, caricature artists. There's a lot of like. Sounds like Disney.

There's a lot of like behind the rec center making out too. I remember there's like a lot of kind of early sex experimenting, like kissing and hand holding and stuff. Someone stole my leather jacket off the back of a chair at a bar mitzvah. What? I know, right? How did they not find you? That was my first leather jacket. Ugh.

I know. I know, right? Did you see the kid wearing it later? I said, I told the cops he looked Jewish. Like, don't be racist. It was probably one of those Jewish motorcycle games. Wait, time out. The cops were called?

No, the cops weren't called. I thought the cops were really called. It was probably one of those Jewish motorcycle games. Wait, time out. The cops were called? No, the cops weren't called. I thought the cops were really called. It was quite a disappointment, though, I'll tell you. I'm sorry. That's why I'm anti-Semitic to this day. Yeah. I've never been to a bar or bat mitzvah. I'd like to go, but it's fun, right?

You've been to a bar or bat mitzvah. Oh, excuse me. I've never been to a quinceanera. Oh, okay. A quinceanera. I've never been to a quinceanera. Guys, I get Jews and Mexicans confused. Gotcha.

Common misconception. Sure. I would love to go to a neighbor's quinceanera. If anybody from Glassville Park is listening right now, let me know. Drop me a line, jessie at maximumfun.org. I will come to your quinceanera. Do you have an outfit to wear, though? Because you've got to get dressed up.

Oh, do I have an outfit to wear, though? Because you've got to get dressed up. Oh, do I have an outfit to wear? Name a context for which I don't have an outfit to wear. Quinceañera. I do. I have to get some alterations to my party gown. Sure, yeah. Those gowns are expensive. Yeah.

Well, you've got to get a lady to make it for you, too. I mean, it's, like, insane. Yeah, it's great. They're so fun, though. So when else are you got to get a lady to make it for you, too. I mean, it's like insane. Yeah, it's great. They're so fun, though. When else are you going to wear that? It's like a debutante ball in the South. I'm such a big supporter of that. Guys, I'm having a little.

A debutante ball. Speaking of stress related to. I have fucked my way through more debutantes. Jesse, yeah. Jesse's given a lot of hand jobs wearing white gloves. Absolutely. Speaking of kind of neighborhood stresses, wanting to fit in, worrying that you're not fitting in, that sort of thing. I was walking around by my house near – there's a CrossFit place near my house.

Right. Really? I know. In West Hollywood? I know. Pick your jaw up off place near my house. Right. Really? I know. In West Hollywood? I know, pick your jaw up off the floor. Jordan, wait for it. Near my house, there is Zumba. Oh boy.

Oh boy. So I think we've established. And I hear they're thinking of, I hear they're even thinking of opening up a gay bar. Oh no! No! That's when I move out of West Hollywood. In my neighborhood, it's entirely possible to order a Michelada. Sure. Can I say one thing about the Zumba by my house?

The Zumba by my house- Takes place at a church. No, not even a church. There's a storefront that sells everything. There is nothing that this store doesn't sell. It's one of these places where you get immigration advice, tax preparation. Phone card. Notary public.

Phone cards. Notary public. Mail a box back to Guatemala. Buy generic laundry detergent. Right. Buy just all – And empanadas. Every product is available for sale in this store, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And I thought that was finished until I walked by this, again, store,

and I noticed that there was a full-on Zumba class going on. And also two of the ladies were holding their babies. Oh, while Zumba-ing. It was probably the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. In my neighborhood, there's Cardio Bar, which I do, and very often there are— It's not also a bar, right? Like you don't actually drink while you do it? It's bar B-A-R-R-E.

But there are very often Orthodox Jewish women in full Orthodox Jewish woman gear doing cardio bar. So they'll be wearing like long skirts. Wow. And they'll have their hair covered. Cardio bar is, it's like ballerina aerobics. It's like ballerina aerobics, but it's very fast and you get very sweaty. So like these women are fully covered. Not least if you're wearing fully covered clothes, including a wig.

Yeah. So I guess Orthodox Jewish women are pretty hardcore. Maybe that could be. Because that's got to be hard. Maybe that could be its own workout. Like, I mean, there's so many fad workouts these days. Maybe the Orthodox Jew. So non-Orthodox Jewish women will just go in, get, like, cover themselves.

Right, exactly. You steal a leather jacket off a chair. So here's what happened when I was passing the CrossFit place. So the thing with CrossFit, and it's something I still kind of don't understand. It's one of those things where people try and explain it to me, and I just kind of zone out midway through, and I never really. You mean they just say it's a workout place and when you hear workout, you just zone out? Yeah, exactly. Just like why it's different than a gym.

I guess it's like you do a lot of different things and it's kind of a surprise what you're doing that day, right? I think it's a class. Yeah. Like you have a trainer but it's a class. Sure. And a man yells at you, okay, jumping jacks. Yeah.

Yeah. And then – but also it involves like – Or like catch this. Some kind of archaic stuff like you do like a kettlebell or you do a medicine ball or something like that. I saw a – as I passed the CrossFit place, this woman is coming out in workout gear. She comes out carrying a sledgehammer, full-on sledgehammer. So I'm like, oh, this is a weird CrossFit thing. Either they break rocks or they pound the pavement or something like that.

But then I started to worry. And she ran right at your car. That's when I started to worry, what if their thing of the day is murder a man in the street? Like, yeah, the guy yells, jumping jacks, kettlebells, sit-ups, murder a man with a hammer. And then I'm the first guy she sees. That's how the cultural revolution started in China. Everyone was doing their morning calisthenics. They were doing Mao's calisthenics.

And then they said murder a religious person or someone who wants to be engaged in private enterprise. Sure. But, I mean, maybe this is the future. I mean, speaking of fad workouts, once people are tired of the Orthodox Jew workout. Right. Which you're going to patent. Which I will patent, yes. I will not do it myself.

That would mean getting in shape. But yeah, maybe there's murder a drifter. I like that. Or just someone walking by the CrossFit place. Would the people murder the drifter as a group? The people in the class as a group, or would everyone have to find their own drifter? No, I think you have to find your own drifter. That's part of the workout. Yeah, exactly.

So you have to run all the way down to the train station, the train rail yard. And just like people at Beverly Hills will work out harder, they have to run further to find a drifter. Sure. Oh, that's a really good point. Right? Yeah, and that's why their teeth are so straight. Wait, why are their teeth so straight? Because they have to go further to find a drifter because they live in Beverly Hills.

I'm not seeing the connection between. Is that not why you exercise? Oh, no, exercise does not make your teeth straight. I always assumed that's why I had crooked teeth. No. Completely different. I don't know where you got that. I think it's just a coincidence that people who work out also have straight teeth.

But if you don't exercise, you become a compulsive masturbator. Again, not a thing. Not a, I mean. No, it is a thing. You can be both. I can tell you guys firsthand. Pun intended. Sure.

You can't, you can, I mean, there are times when I'm considering working out but instead will decide to masturbate. Right. And then I feel like I'm exhausted. And then you don't work out after? Yeah. Well, you really got your juices flowing. Why don't you jerk off as a reward for working out? I should do it like that.

I should create – I should have a cheat day. Just saying. But by the time you're done working out, the last thing you want to do is get involved in a whole production. But you don't have to do it right then. You can, like, credit yourself. Oh, yeah. Like, I have a credit. Like a gold star system?

Yeah. Right. And, you know, you don't even need to write it down. I think mentally you can keep track of that. You just jazz on the gold star? Yeah. You just kind of mentally give yourself a gold star. And then later on when you feel like you're going to be like, you know what?

I earned this one. I did when I had roommates. We had a chore wheel. You just kind of mentally give yourself a gold star and then later on when you feel like you're going to be like, you know what? I earned this one. I did when I had roommates. We had a chore wheel. Maybe we could just add a masturbation tile to that. So you'd spin it and you didn't know what you were going to get? Well, you know, like everybody, you know, every week, you know, you move the arrow to. Oh, okay.

Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. I would just, you know. Come on, Allison. Get your head in the game. I just wind up, whenever I lived with anyone, I would just wind up doing all the chores. Yeah. I'm still thinking about good ways to murder drifters. Yeah.

But like a way that has cardio. Yeah. Do you have any ideas for what, I mean, you need, as with cardio bar, you need a catchy name. Slaughterhouse comes to mind. Sure. Well, I mean. Yeah, but you need to have something in there that hints at exercise.

Right. It's not just about the appeal of murder. Like cardio death or something like that. Well, I mean. Yeah, but you need to have something in there that hints at exercise. Right. It's not just about the appeal of murder. Like cardio death or something like that. There's a really. Not cardio death, but that just came out. Something catchier. Something catchier. Yeah.

Something that, because I would think, I mean, the thrill of murder. Murder fit? Sorry. Murder fit is pretty good. That's nice. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if there's some way we can capitalize off the new, the success of the hit film, The Purge.

What about Jazzercill? Oh, I like that. Jazzercill. Purger Size. Purger Size? Yeah. Yeah, that is good. But I think that would just attract people with eating disorders.

That's true. Yeah, it doesn't. But I mean the movie was pretty popular. So I think that will – people will associate – Especially though with people with eating disorders. That's true. That is true. People went to it thinking it was an instructional movie.

Because they release those a lot. Yeah, right. And then they just wound up – you go to a theater to see an instructional movie. You go to – yeah. And they just – yeah, winded it up. Not only did they not – Is this quilt making? No, it's Hunger Games.

Also very popular with the eating disorders. People went to it thinking they would learn how to vomit up big meals, but they just wound up being sad about Ethan Hawke's career. Hey-o. Yeah, take that. Is he in Purge? He's totally in The Purge. He's the star of The Purge. Really?

And he's in that new – they're doing another Sunrise Sunset movie, right? Oh, that's true. So I guess he did have the prestige movie come out alongside the boring horror movie. I'll tell you. I read an interview with Ethan Hawke recently. He seemed like such a class act that I no longer have any negative feelings at all about Ethan Hawke. Because before that, you were bottling him up. Well, you know.

I mean he wrote some novels. He did. He did not. He is one of those I have a lot of vanity projects actors, I guess. But you know what? God bless him for it. Yeah. Go ahead.

Write a novel. Yeah, just write a novel. I like an actor who writes a novel. I like an actor who will take a part in anything. He did Broadway for a while, too. A Michael Caine type. Sure. He wrote some plays.

He did? Yeah. Ethan Hawke. Not Michael Caine. Oh. That would be great. I would go see Michael Caine's play in an instant. That is really good. He did? Yeah. Ethan Hawke. Not Michael Caine. Oh. That would be great. I would go see Michael Caine's play in an instant. That is really good.

It's just about eyeglasses. Sure. The optometrist's daughter is the name of it. It's about distinctive frames. I kind of want that to be a musical, actually. That sounds like, yeah, that sounds like you have a lot of big production numbers out of that. How do you feel about, but we can all agree writing children's book is annoying, right? That's.

Yeah. But they all do it when they have a kid. But I'll tell you what. Maybe it's cute then. I've been reading a lot of children's books lately. Not to your child. No, no, just for fun. Just casually.

Absolutely. I go to the library for story time. Great, great. When Simon's in daycare. Someone reads it for you. It's great. Yeah. Absolutely. I go down to the library for storytelling. Right, right. When Simon's in daycare. Someone reads it for you. It's great. Yeah. I am so consistently impressed at how bad children's books are that I feel like Ellen DeGeneres couldn't do worse.

That's sure. She's probably no. At least as clever as. Maybe it's one of those things because sometimes if I read a pile of bad scripts, I'm like, I'm going to go write a script, because this is such crap. So do you feel that way with children's books? Does it make you want to write one? I want to be a consultant. It's funny. Getting back

to making a joke in another language. For a long time, a couple blocks from my house, there was a restaurant that had a huge sign in the window that said, Steamed Dumpings. I love this already. And I always just wanted to work as a guy who speaks English very well and you just run your sign by him.

You know what I mean? And I say, take out that apostrophe and dumpings means poops. See, but whenever I see those signs, I'm always like, there are unethical sign makers because they should say, hey, I have been in this country for a while making signs. This is making people think of shit. Exactly. I don't think the sign maker community is a community of people who necessarily have been in this country a long time.

Not that there aren't sign makers who do. That's fair. My childhood best friend is a professional sign maker. I'm not speaking ill of sign makers. I'm just saying. How's his English? It's an immigration friendly profession. Very good. He went to Evergreen

College. Oh wait, did I say his English is good? I meant his bong making is good. Sure. Does he tell people if there are typos in their sign submissions? I'm sure he's got to let people know. You should submit one anonymously and see what he does.

But spell anonymously wrong. Can I posit a theory? Yeah. I don't know if I've posited this theory on the show before. I may have. It's a long-held theory by me. So I apologize if this is repeat hearing for anybody. Apology accepted.

If needed. Thank you. Maybe I haven't. So one of my early PA jobs was on a Vietnamese variety show. Amazing. It was. Each episode was on a Vietnamese variety show. Amazing. It was. Each episode was four hours long. Wow.

But it mostly consisted of musical numbers, like pop musical numbers. Okay. And one of the pop singers was this kind of young teen girl kind of clearly shooting to be a to be a vietnamese britney spears very much in that mode you know little outfit she had backup dancers uh and hearing her backstage she just talked like uh you know she had been here her whole life like had no accent perfect english had like a sidekick was like gabbing with her friends, just an 18-year-old American through and through. When she got on stage, she would put R's in things that didn't have R's in.

Really? She would sing as if English was not her first language. So – and I'm just guessing that if she got up and sang perfect English, this audience of Vietnamese people, I'm wondering if this is a stab at authenticity. That's interesting. So I'm wondering if weird signage is part of having a store in an ethnic neighborhood. Well, I'll tell you this. I've always – one of my career ambitions has always been to be a huge black man in the German music industry.

Because. I don't want to be a dream crusher. Well, then good. Don't. Then don't crush my dream. Germany is very far away. That's all I'm going to say. The plane ticket will be very expensive. It's going to be over a thousand dollars.

Because ever since, ever since in college, I heard the original theme music of the Sound of Young America, Jojo Action by the band Mr. President, I have remembered that there was a rapper in the group who was a big black guy. And clearly his only qualification to be in the group was his size and race. Sure. He was clearly not – like he was clearly rapping because he couldn't sing and he was certainly not a rapper. His rap went, hey,

Jojo, down at the disco, turn up your collar and you're ready to go. Hip, hip, hip, let's do it.

Tip, tip, tip, come on. And that seems like a great job. You go on, like,

Eurovision. Well, I feel like they even have this here. I mean, I feel like, look at all those, look at all the Rebecca Black videos of, like,vision. Well, I feel like they even have this here. I mean, I feel like look at all those, look at all the Rebecca Black videos

of like teen vanity videos. You don't do that. They just have an untalented guy who's just there because he's black to rap. Can you imagine how fun it would have been in 1987 or 1988 to be one of Prince's untalented rappers? I mean, before Prince, Prince ended up sort of rapping himself a lot, which is very bad.

But before that, he would have a guest rapper who was from his, you know, his signee. But he had no, I'm sure to this day, he has no idea what a good rapper is. But I would argue that rap had not progressed to the speed and quality that it is now. But it had progressed beyond the quality. Because early rap is like really, it's slow. It's not like, you know, it's different. But we're not talking about 1981 here. We're talking about 1988.

So there's already been Rakim. Like Rakim invented rapping as a contemporary type activity as opposed to – A Fat Boys. Yeah, a Fat Boys or a Beastie Boys or Run DMC did that but yelling. So it was post that. But some real horrible Prince rappers. But you get to hang out at the Prince Club. Just imagine how many beautiful women are there.

Yeah. You, like, just everything about that must have been tremendous until you got dropped from the label three months after. But I think an even easier job would be to be a hype man because you don't even have to rap. You just have to say, like, words every once in a while. Being a great hype man. You just have to be like, yeah, and that's it. And, you know, you have to handle capes.

There's probably like cape transportation, cape maintenance maybe. That's pretty much all there is though. Do you think they steam the capes? You gotta hold the weed and guns. It's true.

You have to take the fall when the tour bus gets pulled over. That's fair. You're making good money. Sure. That's a really good, and I'm not saying it's unfair. I'm just saying there are

other responsibilities besides saying the word. All right. And, you know, you probably gotta wear like catcher's unfair. I'm just saying there are other responsibilities besides saying the word. All right. And, you know, you probably got to wear, like, catcher's equipment. You got to do something distinctive. Sometimes you got to do a mini stutter. Like, yeah. Yeah.

You got to do a, you got to, like, a half, like, a half Jason mask. The St. Lunatics guy. You know what I'm talking about? Nelly's guy. That's one example. Yeah. Nelly's guy. Yeah.

Spliff star. Can you name any other hype men? God, I'd love to we got uh who else is it who else is it well memphis bleak would be jay-z's hype man pretty consistently there's not farnsworth t bentley is not a hype man he's a valet he's yeah who is that that is oh god he is he was originally p diddy's so this is what happened he was was working at the Ralph Lauren store in New York, the mansion, I think. And P. Diddy met him. He was so elegant.

He was a very exceptionally well-dressed man that P. Diddy hired him to be like his guy, his stylist. Yeah, that's like stylist or valet. But then he started appearing on camera a lot holding an open umbrella uh that's still a valet and dancing and then he made his own record colors cool outrageous lovers of outrageous raw style that it's an acronym. Yeah, sure. What about Kid Rock's, the little person that hangs out with Kid Rock? Is he a hype man?

He's dead. He's dead? I didn't know that. Yes. He died some years ago. I did not know that. And it was very tragic. And Kid Rock made some genuinely moving tributes to him.

Was he a hype man? Would you consider him a hype man? He was definitely a hype man. 100%. I did not know he passed away. Now, rap's other most famous little person, not a hype man, Bushwick Bill from the Ghetto Boys. Not a hype man. A talented rapper in his own right.

Very talented rapper. Big Daddy Kane. King, Asiatic, nobody's equal. See, I would say Big Daddy Kane invented rap. Now, Big Daddy Kane, there's a guy with some hype in. Right, but exactly. He had Scoob.

And what's the other guy called? He had two guys. Scoob and another guy. I don't know. We're going outside my comfort zone here. But I would argue that he's one of the godfathers of rap. He's right there with Rakim. Absolutely. In your 1985, 1986, 1987 time zone. Absolutely. Scrap. Scrap and Scoob. Oh, check it out. Good for us, guys. We figured it out.

Scrap and Scoob. Scoob and Scrap. You know why? Because that's Scooby-Doo and Scrappy. Oh, there you go. There's kind of a, there's a... Right? There's a... Big Scooby-Doo and Little Scooby-Doo. Yeah, and of course, Big Daddy Kane. Big Daddy Kane.

Guys, it all makes sense. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Dan Kennedy, American Spirit promo. Take one. Hi, I'm Dan Kennedy. Please read my book. Dan, you should probably tell them the title.

Sorry. It's called American Spirit. And maybe what sort of book it is. It's a novel. Yeah, but what kind of novel? It's a dark, funny novel. And... Okay, a guy loses his job, and basically he goes on this sort of quest to figure out his life, but he gets very lost, to put it mildly. He's confused. He's a little drunk.

He ends up doing some very strange stuff in strange places, and he's relatable, in other words, basically. All right, you know what? Let's try this again from the top. Dan Kennedy, author of Rock On and host of the Moth Storytelling Podcast. Relatable, in other words, basically. All right. You know what? Let's try this again from the top. Dan Kennedy, author of Rock On and host of the Moth Storytelling Podcast. American Spirit promo, take two. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And I'm Alison Becker. I have a large, shaped head. You have a beautiful head, Alison. Thank you. I was just saying that I... If you're listening at home, don't listen to a fucking word Alison Becker says. Okay, well, don't listen to this. This young woman is a television star because of a combination of talent and good looks. And head size. You know what that means?

A shapely head. Sure. You don't see any lump heads on TV. I was a C-section. Didn't go through the birth canal. Didn't get my head shaped. Most television, most successful television hosts are C-sections. Really? Ryan Seacrest. C-section? Courtney Cox. C-section? Regis Philbin. C-section?

Mary-Kate and Ashley. A couple of C-sections. A couple of C-sections? Courtney Cox. C-section? Regis Philbin. C-section? Mary-Kate Mashley. Couple of C-sections. Couple of C-sections. Couple of C-sections. Probably one C-section. Everyone says it. There are a couple of C's. The entire cast of Mad About You.

I didn't know this, guys. I feel better about myself. Including Richard Kind. Yeah. You're in good company. Especially Richard Kind. Is Hank Azaria considered one of the cast? Because he was recurring.

No, no. He's straight vaginal birth. He is very open about it, too. He has it right on his resume. He's been in therapy for years. Came out of birth canal. And then Mr. Burns. But he counts as diversity casting, I think. Right, that's true.

That's a really good point. That's how he got his start in Hollywood. He did the NBC Vaginal Birth Writers Program. Sure. Okay, let's get to our sponsors. Now that we've set up a hospitable environment for infertism, let's get to our sponsors. Our first sponsor this week, our old pals at VG Kids. Good to have them back.

They're a full-service screen printing company offering custom garments, posters, packaging, stickers, as well as full-color digital printing for postcards, vinyl banners, et cetera. And they also have design services and fulfillment. These are good people. I met with them. I went to the great state of Michigan. I met with these people. These are good people. They're punk rock types.

They're hard. They're scrappy. But they're also from the Midwest. They're effective businesspersons. They're very trustworthy for that reason. And most importantly, 100% C-section. Good. No birth canalers.

Thank God. I wanted to ask, but I was worried. Yeah. These people's heads fused as they would. Yeah. Just whatever shape it wanted to be. A man, a plan, a birth canal. VGKids.com.

Yeah. And hey, I hear- A man, a plan, a birth canal, VGKids.com. That's our new slogan. Our new slogan. And hey, I think they'll offer any listeners a 10% discount if they mention the show. They're actual fans of Jordan Jesse Go. So if you say to them, I heard about this on Jordan Jesse Go, they will actually give you a discount.

It's no trick, no offer code required. Just say, hey, I heard about you on my favorite podcast, Jordan Jesse Go. They'll say, oh, that's our favorite podcast, too. Well, probably they'll say, oh, I love Savage Love. Yeah. But I listen to that. I used to listen to Jordan Jesse Go. They'll say, oh, that's our favorite podcast too. Well, probably they'll say, oh, I love Savage Love. Yeah. But I used to listen to Jordan Jesse Go. I used to listen to Jordan Jesse Go before there were other podcasts. What do we got up on the Jumbotron,

Jordan? I think it's Mission Cleaners Books, and they're offering a special package of two poetry books that they think JJ Go listeners will like. The dark comedy Bug House and the postmodern epistolary novel Everything Reused in the Sea. So if you want to get some books, go to missioncleaners.com slash JJ Go. We got a copy of this, both books, $24, and they come with a journal, a letterpress printed journal.

They all are very, very lovely. A letterpress printed journal. They all are very, very lovely. So you can just go to missioncleaners.com slash JJGO for all your poetry and journal needs. Journal? If you want to be up on the Jumbotron, email us. Go to maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan, Jesse, go email us at Teresa at maximum fund.org.

And Hey, guess what? If you ever lose the name of a business or you need the link or the bonus code or whatever, you can always find all that information at forum.maximumfund.org in the shows forum, right in the sticky, sticky thread. I'm talking about the sticky thread. I do know about the sticky thread. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about, the sticky thread?

I do know about the sticky thread. Yeah, that's from days when you don't exercise, am I right? Yeah, when somebody's massaging my nodes. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alison Becker, not a stripper.

Great news, everyone. First of all, Allison Becker just did a callback to something that we said in between segments. Guys, there are awesome bonus runs that you are not even hearing. And they're great. You'll never hear the gem that we leave on the cutting room, the gems we leave on the cutting room floor. And by

on the cutting room floor, I mean just when we're not pressing record. We use everything when we press record. There's no editing in this program. Yeah. Then Sonny D would have to do something to earn his producer money. We should make him like edit this like you would an old time movie with like a pair of scissors and one of those little jeweler's glasses. So he could actually leave things on the floor.

What if we had him do an alternate edit where everything happens in chronological order? I think that would be nice. Because, yeah, now we do this memento style. I think the jeweler's thing is called a loop, right? Yeah, that's called a loop. The little thing you put in your eye? No, I didn't know that. I never know what to call that thing.

I feel like I want to talk about it like I want to make a comedy reference to it. Like, hey, he's got one of those, a loop. It's called a loop. I believe it's L-O-U-P-E. I think you're right, yeah. I used it in a photography class back before digital photography. Oh, how about that? I'm interested in taking a photography class.

Do you recommend it? I do because the being in the darkroom is very meditative. I'm not going to go in the fucking darkroom. This is 2013 or so. So you don't want to develop it. You just want to take the – I just want someone to explain f-stops. I could explain f-stops to you.

You don't even have to pay me. What's an F-stop? F-stop is the aperture opening. Oh, great. That's completely useless. See, she said some other nonsense photo. We get it. You're really smart, Allison.

It's a fraction. So the bigger the number. So the F is a fraction. I don't know what the F stands for, but the bigger the number, the smaller the aperture because it's actually one over that number. You know what the F stands for? Fuck Allison Be the number, the smaller the aperture, because it's actually one over that number. You know what the F stands for? Fuck Alison Becker and her bullshit attitude. Whoa, whoa, whoa. She was trying to teach you about photography.

Do you know what fuck Alison Becker spells with an acronym? Spells fab. Nailed it. Yeah. Guess who's on the cutting room floor now. floor now. When something momentous happens to you, the listener, we ask that you call us at 206-9844-FUN

for the segment that we call Jordan Momentous Occasions. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Sid from Raleigh. I just wanted to let you know that I just got out of the courthouse and I dropped off my official papers to run for mayor of Raleigh.

Thank you. What? Wow. That's insane. But we should be careful, Jesse. We don't want to run afoul of campaign finance laws. Right. And also as an NPR journalist, I can say some of the most vile profanities you can imagine, but I cannot endorse candidates.

That's fair. I would say that I'll put it this way. I'm certainly not endorsing the people running against Sid. No, of course not. My presumption is that this is former Atlanta Braves first baseman Sid Bream. Probably is. He's probably running for mayor of Raleigh. Raleigh, as in Raleigh, North Carolina?

Is that where he is? I think so, right? That's what I assumed. Yes. Okay. I mean, I am surprised by two things or questioning two things. I did not know that you need to go to the courthouse to officially submit to run for mayor. Yeah.

It's like you're marrying a city. I don't know. Because what if a person who wins write-in votes wins? Do they have to go officially before the election? You've got to submit to get on the ballot. To get on the ballot, yes, to get on the ballot. You're saying you're concerned, what if somebody lives in a tree and they don't want to

come down? Yeah, but they don't have a car to get there. What if somebody's afraid of courthouses? Also, is he running as the Republican candidate or the Democratic candidate, or is he just like, I'm just going to do it? Here's my impression of Raleigh and I've never been there. It's one of these like –

But you have an impression of it. Here's my impression. I'm a very judgmental person. Here's my impression. I'm going to go work on my train set. So Raleigh is one of these – it's one of these like places in the south that's like a hipster enclave or a college town or something. It's like this little pocket that's not like the rest of the state, right? Well, it's in the heart of the research triangle.

Oh, OK. I'm guessing it's one of these places where like a ton of people run for mayor. Like someone runs a dog in a bandana or – Like Portland. Right, right. Where it's like, oh, and the jam lady also runs and the beekeeper runs and they have these weird parties like former Atlanta Braves first baseman, for instance. Yeah. Local weirdos. And yeah. And they had there's these weird parties.

So are you calling Sid a local weirdo? Yeah, definitely. He's a podcast. I know he called a podcast. Well, I wouldn't just surprise, like, if he is actually running for mayor and he knew that he had the potential of being on your podcast, why wouldn't he use his full name? Wouldn't that just be, like, free advertising? That's true, yeah. He only used his first name. You mean Sidney? Exactly. Why wouldn't he say Sidney?

We know who you are, Sid. Yeah. Come on, Sidney. Fess up. Or maybe that is his full name. Maybe he's like Cher. Yeah. Well, I think he was treating this, I think he's a guy who wants to win the election fairly. And he did want to call the synonyms as a momentous occasion but he didn't want it to seem pandering and he didn't – because we don't – I think we have the same policy as the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We don't want any buzz marketing. Right. And we certainly don't –

Except for Taco Bell last week. Yeah, that's true. I'm assuming that's a fart noise. That was my impression of Taco Bell. That's what Taco Bell makes you do. A woman called in last week. She had a baby in a Taco Bell parking lot and then Taco Bell sent her a bunch of baby clothes with Taco Bell logos on them. Why does Taco Bell have that?

What? I bet they just have like a logo and they can get it printed on anything. You think they just went to Zazzle. Why does Taco Bell have that? What? I bet they just have a logo and they can get it printed on anything. You think they just went to Zazzle.com slash Taco Bell? Or they were actually onesies for the pigs that they slaughter. And they were just like, do you want it for your baby? Right. Those are slaughtering onesies.

Yeah, it had pig's blood on it. I'd like to know more about Sid's platform. Downloadable on-demand content for everyone. I think so. We can get with that. Sounds great. Yeah.

I mean, how can we parlay this into something for us? I mean, if we have a friend in City Hall, maybe we can move to Raleigh and build a pool as big as we want. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was going to say build a home in a commercial area. Oh, no, no. Yeah, you're in this episode. It's in the research triangle. Why wouldn't you want to live there?

I don't want to live there. We've got a friend in City Hall. Our pools can be as big as we want. Can you imagine the unlicensed additions that we're going to make? No permits. We can pull any permit we want now. We can have ferrets. Ferrets as pets, guys. I think other

cities are not as Nazi-ous with the permits as LA is. You want a permit for open flame in a mattress factory? We got it. Guys, City Hall is good for things other than permits. You want a permit for... You guys are just hung up on the permits.

We love permits! You want a permit for a gun store daycare center? What about like tax exemption? But you guys just care about permits. Well, I mean, I don't want the city's potholes not to get filled because I'm scrimping on my taxes. I believe in civic involvement. I just want to have a store. What about our boys overseas?

How are they going to get RMEs, meals ready to eat, MREs, if we don't pay our taxes? You're right. Look, we just want to have a store where we can set fire to a ferret on a mattress. If you're just willy-nilly requesting permits, that's sucking up our tax returns. I'm proud. Someone has to write those permits. Someone has to print them. I'm proud of the success of my flame mattress factory.

Yeah. And I feel like I need to give back to the community and help build libraries and schools that have guns in them. I just want a pool that's slightly bigger than my neighbor's and to have ferrets swimming in it. I don't think you need permits for that. I don't think that's unreasonable. Here's a scenario. All right. Go.

You're walking down the street. In Raleigh or I'm here? In Raleigh. Yeah. Where we have friends in City Hall. Am I living there now? Yes, of course. Okay, I just want to wrap my head around this.

You're married to a nice food scientist. Okay, I'm in. And do not even think about imagining this scenario happening in Durham. I'm not. Because that is a whole other can of beans. I'm wearing a gingham dress in this fantasy. Oh, you look great. Thanks.

You're walking down the street. A policeman stops you. He writes you a ticket because your dick is out. Okay. And you tell him, I'm friends with Sid. He tears it up and throws it to the four winds. And you can go right into Chuck E. Cheese. No.

Get right back to your daycare center. You guys have not been in the South ever. Because the policemen do not give ladies tickets. They do not have Waffle House tickets. Waffle House. They just go, good day, ma'am. Yeah, right. They don't give anyone tickets.

Not Chuck E. Cheese. Waffle House. Waffle House. Famous. Waffle House is so good. Waffle House is pretty good. Pecan Waffle? Yeah.

You know what Waffle House thing really delivered for me? I had a Waffle House is so good. Waffle House is pretty good. Pecan waffle? Yeah. You know what Waffle House thing really delivered for me? I had a Waffle House. And my family is from the south. I have never been to a Waffle House until I did that thing last year where I drove from L.A. to New York for those web videos that aren't that good. I got the smothered hash browns, hash browns, cheese gravy, onions. Oh, God, that was good. That sounds really good. It really delivered.

Yeah. Yeah. Where were you? If driving from L.A. to New York, what southern state did you pass? Did you take Route 66? Went to Austin, Texas at one point, didn't you? Went to Austin, Texas. Yeah, this was between Austin and Philadelphia, which I think was our next stop. Okay, so maybe you were in, like, Tennessee or something. Yeah, I mean, it all looks the same to me.

This was on behalf of the good people in Superman Gillette. Yeah, right, exactly. How does he shave? You see Superman shave a ton in Superman, Gillette. Yeah. Right, exactly. How does he shave? You see Superman shave a ton in the comics, by the way. They've answered that. You do? Yeah. He shaves with his heat vision.

He bounces it off the mirror and shaves with his heat vision. That is well established. Like, that's been around for fucking ever. That's like Super Tiger. Everyone knows about that. Yeah, exactly. Why was there a question of how he shaved? Well, I think that's just a little goof. it's like you know this is like hey what happens

if he gets shot in the eye how does he shave but they've they're very thorough with superman can i ask you a quick question please did you see the forum post on our forum we'll get to the rest of our calls in a second that was about the tiger that lives in the Captain Marvel slash Shazam universe. Oh, I have not. So somehow, I did not even remember this coming up on the program. I remember that Shazam was broached briefly because I think John Roy was talking about the morning variety show for children hosted by Shazam slash Captain Marvel. And if you have not looked at the theme songs for those things,

it is unreal. And there's a tiger? Apparently in the Shazam Captain Marvel universe, there is a tiger who becomes super intelligent and gains the ability to talk, and he decides to live in our world as a man. He wears clothes, including suits. And at one point-

Does he look like a man or he looks like a tiger? He looks, he's just a tiger wearing people clothes, standing up on his hind legs. But he is not, that's the thing that the guy- Is his tail in or out of the suit? The guy who posted about this in the forum- Does he have a little tail hole in his pants? That's cute. I believe he does.

The guy who posted about this in the forum wanted to be clear that one of the remarkable things about this character is that unlike many other superhero animals, he's not anthropomorphized to the extent that he is part man, part beast. He's a full tiger. He's just a tiger that can talk and chooses to live as a man. Hmm. Like that walking internet dog. You know what I'm talking about. So would he still live as a man?

Does he eat at restaurants or does he kill for food? I think he eats at restaurants. He kills at restaurants. He goes to a restaurant and just kills someone there, but eats it at the table. Have you ever had a smothered Waffle House patron? It's so good. They make their own gravy. Next call.

Hey, Jordan and Jesse and guests. I was just driving to work, and at a red light, I looked in a Denny's parking lot to my left, and there was a Jeep Cherokee parked in the lot. And in the back seat of the Jeep Cherokee, sticking his head out the window, was a llama. Yeah. They had a llama in their Jeep. Shit, yeah. And they were eating at Denny's.

Fuck yeah. Pretty great. A lot of, well, it seems like we're having a little run of weird shit that goes on in chain restaurant parking lots. Yeah. Fucking llamas are the best.

I would like to thank that caller for acknowledging the guest because the guest is me. That's, yeah. It was very polite. It's considerate. Feelings on llamas? Llamas are funny.

I mean, not funny, like peculiar. I mean, they're fun. They make me laugh. Did you ever take a big class on llamas? You want to school me about llamas and show how smart you are? Did you know that llamas... President Big Head. Whoa.

You're going there? Going Big Head? She's subconscious about it, Jessie. I was a vaginal birth. Oh, boy. Okay. Well, you'll never be a TV star like Richard Cullen. That's why my television shows got so canceled so quickly. Yeah.

My type of birth was named after a great leader. Your type of birth was named after genitalia. Is that also why you have that George Clooney on ER haircut? Yes, exactly. It's coming back. Next call. Get it. Jordan, Jesse, King Buzzo.

I had a momentous occasion today while shopping at the mall with my daughters for my wife's birthday. We were leaving the mall, returning to our car, and the car next to us had a license plate FAP1, F-A-P-1. I looked behind us, and another car had a license plate with three numbers and TUG. We got in the car to drive away, and within 30 seconds on the radio was Roger Miller's Do Whack-A-Do. I don't believe in the divine creator, but if I did, I might have had to punch one out right there in the car if it wasn't for my daughters. Thank you very much. And they were headed to a Jamaican restaurant to get some jerk chicken.

There was only two things standing between him and jacking off in his car. One was the presence of his daughters. The other was that he doesn't believe in a higher power. But if he did believe in God, he would have. Those are also why he's relapsed in his alcoholism. Yeah, right. Exactly. AA would have something to say about that.

The stress of raising kids in today's difficult society. And he never gave, he never capitulated to his higher power. I don't know if that was any sort of divine intervention. I just think that men in general are always looking for signs of jerking off. He just happened to see him because he's always looking. Have you heard our program before? Yeah. Did we have this much jerk-off talk

when you were on before? Or is it just when Jesse's here? I think it's just when Jesse's here. It's a pretty classy show when you're not around. Is it really? I know it's not technically part of the real world. We all have British accent. Yeah, we have limeridas and we sit around talking about tort reform. And tequiza. Come on. Yes, and Tequiza.

That's funny. That's funny. The FAP one is – it reminds me of my best buddy growing up was Mike Wynn and his big sister had this boyfriend who was like the coolest dude and would like drive us to the county where you can get fireworks and we went to nuts. Did he have a Trans Am? Oh, I don't know what he had. It was probably something super lame, but I was just, you know.

Yeah. Yeah, right. Glad to be in the car with an adult who wasn't kidnapping me. And he was just the coolest dude. He did get kidnapped a couple of times and that was a real bum out. That was a real bum out. Bummer. Yeah.

So lame. It's blamer than homework to get kidnapped and thrown in a ditch. Blame. It's blamer than homework to get kidnapped and thrown in a ditch. And his car license plate said Stank Ho on it. And he got it past the DMV by saying it was a tribute to his college professor, Stonko. That's amazing. That's amazing. So I'm guessing this FAP1 guy had some sort of comparable excuse.

Anyway. We have one more call. Let's take a listen. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. My name is Roberto. I just landed, I would say about an hour ago, into the United States from Afghanistan, where I spent a year in southern Afghanistan on a deployment. So I was wondering if you could advise me on what I should do with this free time that

I'm going to have here in the near future and this extra money, aside from drugs and stabbing someone. I'm pretty much down for anything. So thanks for the advice. First of all, my first recommendation to Roberto, slow down your speech. Thank you. All right. Stretch it out.

Yeah. I would like to say thank you to Roberto. Absolutely. Thank you for your service. Thank you. being over there. Good for you. One year. Welcome back.

Welcome home. Yeah, so he's got some cash, some time on his hands. First of all, you're going to want to get HBO and HBO Go. Catch up on Game of Thrones. Because everybody's talking about it. That's your number one priority. If you don't know about what went down on Game of Thrones one week before the season finale of this year's season, then you are fucking – you're so out of the loop. You're going to be at a party and it's going to be like there's a force field around you. Yeah, because, Roberto, I don't watch the show.

And you have not been out of the house in weeks. Weeks. I've seen you at a social occasion. And at first I thought it was because of your head, but I checked. Probably was. I checked with someone else at the party and they said, no, she doesn't know about what went down on Game of Thrones right almost at the end of season three. And so nobody – because what are you going to talk about then? If you can't talk about that, what are you going to talk about with other people?

Politics, literature. I hear Sid's running for mayor of Raleigh-Durham in the research triangle. What does that have to do with the red wedding? They'll yell at you. I would also tell Roberto that he should probably check out some self-serve yogurt places because they've really taken off in this country. Yeah, all across everywhere. What has he missed in the past year? I would recommend the mochi topping.

That's a fun topping. That's a really good topping. It's the gummy rice batter or whatever it's called that's on the outside of mochi but in little pellets. And it adds a wonderful chewy. It doesn't sound good, but it's – It's so good. It's good. It'll sound and look gross, but trust us.

Get those mochis. So two – number one priority is HBO Go. Number two priority is going to be trying out mochis. Number three, you're going to want to get a vanity license plate. Yeah. Just do it. There you go. Sure.

Something gross. You have the time to come up with a jack-off euphemism that they haven't heard of. Right? And to come up with a jack-off euphemism that they haven't heard of. Right? And to come up with a professor's name. Oh, also start a Kickstarter for something. Oh, yeah. You got a Kickstarter. Sure.

I say kickstart your jack-off bumper sticker. There you go. Yeah, sure. License plate. What does a license plate cost? Personalized plate? You're looking at $60 to $80 a year. There you go.

Yeah, at least. I think we've pretty much settled things. So, I mean, yeah, once you got the mochi, once you got the – well, I mean, you're kick-starting the license plate, so that's not an issue. Oh, can I suggest one more thing? This is specific to his experience as a veteran. Get yourself one of these Hero Dogs. I've been reading about these Hero Dogs. Oh, my God, yeah.

What's that? I've been reading about these Hero Dogs in my Hero Dog calendar. Well, there's all kinds. They're dogs that they find in Afghanistan, right? Number one, there's a variety of different kinds of hero dogs. But one type is a type that has been trained to assist soldiers in readjusting to civilian life. And they only eat mochi, right? And they talk about the Kardashians.

The dog knows about what's been going on with Kanye and Kim. Sure. Mochi, right? And they talk about the Kardashians. They teach you. The dog knows about what's been going on with Kanye and Kim. Sure. Catch you up on Game of Thrones. Knows how to work Google Chrome. Yes, you will need to know how to work Google Chrome now that you're back. They've got an advance of Yeezus. Sure. They've got everything that you need.

The dog is up on any leak. Yeah. The dog knows about. You can also tag people on Instagram now. I feel like you should know that. Yeah, that you need. The dog is up on any leak. Yeah. The dog knows about. You can also tag people on Instagram now. I feel like you should know that. Yeah, that's true. I can see how that would be a real shock to your system. You come out of the regimented military life and boom, people are tagging on Instagram.

It's particularly regimented. They send you into a whirlwind. You can now use any of the Instagram filters. Wow. Not just Fog of War. Well, that was great. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alison Becker, I can walk on two legs. I, before we go, before we go, I want to talk about one serious thing. Please. I feel like this is not going to be serious. Something that's serious in contrast to the guy who just called in to say that he just came back from a one-year deployment in Afghanistan. That's a fun goof.

This is the serious thing. We've talked about this a little bit on the show before. But there is a pretty serious threat to the future of podcasting. There is a company that's claiming that it has a patent on the technology behind podcasting that was issued in the late 1990s, 1997 to be specific. They are what generally is categorized as a patent troll, which is to say that this company has never manufactured or done anything with this patent. They've just been sitting on it for the last 15 years and just came out of the woodwork recently and has sued, among other people, Discovery Communications, who make the Stuff You Should Know podcasts,

Adam Carolla, another company that makes educational podcasts, a few big media companies, and they've been sending threatening letters to all kinds of podcasters. And the problem with this is that the way it works is that when you defend yourself from a patent lawsuit, it costs $1 to $2 million. So and you have to pay that $1 to $2 million whether or not you successfully defend yourself. So when someone offers to settle with you, it is a sort of de facto extortion because there's no way for – your choices are either spend a million dollars to defend yourself in court or settle. Luckily, our friends at the Electronic Frontier Foundation and a sort of consortium of podcasters who are concerned about this are trying to fight back on this. And we really, really need your help.

The EFF has already, with the help of a law firm that's working pro bono, filed for what's called a reexamination of the patent. And they did this thanks to, they tried to raise $30,000 and within a day they'd raise 75 from podcast fans. This is the cheapest part of this process is this patent re-examination. And the key element of patent re-examination is you have to find what's called prior art, which is an example of what happened, what's described in the patent that existed before the patent that existed

before the patent was filed. So if you're one of these, if you're either like an enthusiastic detective type or you're a man machine who has weapons in his hat and a plucky daughter. Or if you just. Penny? I don't know. Niece? Niece.

Fuck buddies. Niece, yeah, yeah. You're right. No, no. Too soon. She was. Or if you're what? Or if you're – I think we probably have a lot of listeners who are the kind of internet user who were active internet users in the mid-1990s and may simply – or may have been involved in the Web 1.0 boom.

And you may simply know of things. The patent essentially describes – I'm not looking at it right now. But it essentially describes serial audio content distributed by computer network. So, if you are either of those types of people or you just want to help, go to EFF.org slash savepodcasting.

EFF.org slash savepodcasting. And you can participate. There's a link there to this cool website that helps people find prior art. And, you know, do some research, lead a research team, go on, get your ass up on Metafilter or whatever. Help some people because this is – and I don't mean to be melodramatic, but it is absolutely something that could wipe podcasting from the face of the earth. would wipe podcasting from the face of the earth.

And it is, you know, I mean, you know, it's terrifying to me and to everyone else in the podcasting industry. And it's also, in my opinion, morally abhorrent. Is it only audio or is it like would a web show count as prior art? In this case, it's audio, I believe. But the actual text of the patent, which is reasonably readable, I think it's understandable if you're a layperson, you can find on this website. So go to EFF.org slash Save Podcasting. And if you have ideas, share them there. And there's a great like a voting system to help things rise to the top. It seems like there's a nice little form letter to write your congressperson to.

That's really easy to do. And yeah, there's a ton of stuff. I mean, the truth is that often this research costs literally hundreds of thousands of dollars. And that is one of the reasons that we are asking you to help us with it because, you know, we as an industry, none of our companies have hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on this. And the big guys, it's our assumption, will simply take the easier path, which is to settle with these people. But we need your help.

So go to EFF.org slash save podcasting. Okay. Great. There's all the serious stuff. That was a lot of fun. Let's wrap this show up. I think we had a great time with Alison Becker

yeah I think we did too I think we did despite the head insults despite the the the relentless pulverizing of your head

big head I don't mean big head in like the metaphorical sense I mean big head you're very yeah you have a big head in both ways I mean I think we all heard

your fucking camera lecture Alison you want to hear about f-stops no I don't because you you want to hear about f-stops? No, I don't because you – Do you want to hear about shutter speed? Because you are so patronizing when you start talking about f-stops. Is that a camera thing, stop bath? They dip it in the stop bath?

Yeah, they dip it in the stop bath. That's to just get the chemicals to stop developing. You know what? This is really interesting. You want to talk about chiaroscuro? I'll talk about chiaroscuro. No, let's talk about it. But let's talk about it off microphone.

What about burning and dodging? People are tired of this bit. He's got legs. Allison Becker, can we find you on the internet? People are probably interested in finding more about you and your beautiful head. I have a Twitter. I'm really into Instagram. I love Instagram.

Both are at the Alison Becker. Alison with one L. Because my parents were difficult. And you, actually, speaking of internet audio, you have a little internet audio project maybe people can listen to. My friend and fellow performer Jessica Saddleberger and I, we started a radio show that is on TRadioV.com It's New Frontier, guys. Internet, television, and radio. What? In one.

On the internet? It's on the internet. Did you get a patent on this? No, but now I'm getting scared. Oh, also, I patented the internet, and you guys both owe me a million dollars. Shit. Okay, well, fair. Do I have to pay you for every walking dog video I've watched? Yeah.

Oh, boy. I've watched that a lot. Jordan likes dogs walking on two legs. Dogs can do better tricks than that. That's the cutest. That's the cutest trick. You know, through a store. They walk through a store.

Have you guys not seen this? He's walking in like a Target or something. I don't know. You shouldn't be in a Target. Adam Lissagor's dog, also named Dignan, by the way. For real? Not only walks on two legs, he puts his front paws up and does a kind of... Where is he doing this?

In a store? Wait, let me explain to listeners what you were just doing. All you were doing, you had your hands up by your shoulders and you were just pushing them down. No, it's a whole thrust forward. Imagine what a dolphin does at SeaWorld when its tail's in the water but its body's out. But it's a funny

dog on two legs with little paws. Journeys don't stop believing it's playing. Yeah, it's sort of like if you dog paddled with both paws at the same time and also you were a dog on your back legs and you weren't in the water. I'm just excited there's another dog named Dignan. Yeah, there's two dogs named Dignan. This episode's full of great news.

Yeah. If you have thoughts about the show, share them on our forum, forum.maximumfun.org. Boatparty.biz is where you want to go if you want to join me on a fucking boat, which I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to do that. If you get seasick, that would be a reason. That's a good reason. Take some fucking Dramamine. I get seasick. Then you get all groggy.

There's a patch. I got seasick. I went on one of these fucking giant cruise ships. You don't get seasick because it's too giant. Did you for real puke? I do. I do for real puke. You do for real puke and you didn't on a cruise ship.

But I didn't on a cruise ship because it's so huge. It's very gentle. But then I heard there's land sickness. That your body gets so used to the swaying of the boat that when you get back on land, you barf. I've heard that. I did not barf. I did... I was like, whoa. See? But that was kind of fun.

Honestly. No, I get really serious motion sickness and I had no problem on the giant boat. Oh, good to know. So I don't want people to assume that they go on a giant boat. You will still barf if you get super wasted, though. I was very concerned and I presume that you're going to get super wasted. Yeah.

Okay, so boatparty.biz, we address that. Hashtag JJGo on Twitter. I like seeing what people have to say about this week's JJGo. It's a lot of fun. Don't just tag anything hashtag JJGo

just because you want to trick us into looking at it. Sure. Some people do that. Which you will. We will look at it. It's a trick that works. Yeah. But don't want to trick us into looking at it, though. Sure. Some people do that. Which you will. We will look at it. It's a trick that works. Yeah.

But don't do it. Don't do it. It'll make us mad. Yeah. You want to talk about that tiger that's from Shazam? Shazam. I'd like to see some pictures of that tiger. I like there was one part where somebody asked him who his tailor was because they figured

if the tailor could make people clothes for a tiger, he was a really good tailor. That's pretty good. Yeah, because if there's clothes on the tail, it has to move without ripping. Let's shut this fucking thing down. Sonny D on the boards. Maximumfun.org. JJ Go at Maximumfun.org. 206-9844-FUN.

Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design. And Light in the Attic Records. If you're in Europe, come see us in Edinburgh. Tickets now on sale. You can find the link at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture.

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