Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 280: Trojan Horse with Steve Agee

Episode Date: June 24, 2013

Comedian Steve Agee joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of pickles, Tyrese. barbeque, and vanity license plates.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Thanks, Steve and Tracy. A little secret message.

Take out your Jordan, Jesse, go decoder rings and decode Jesse's secret message. Oh man. I, we almost made decoder rings one time. Like I'm talking about five years ago. Yeah. And then I found out that Ira already did it on this American. Yeah.

That guy's already done everything. Let's introduce, let's introduce our guests. You know, I'm of course from the world of standup comedy. You know, I'm from the world of podcasting. You know, I of course, from the world of stand-up comedy. You know him from the world of podcasting. You know him, of course, from film and television, Mr. Steve Agee. Hey, boys.

Don't derisively snort at my comment that people know you from film and television. You are legitimately a regular figure in the worlds of film and television. Yeah, I try and make an appearance every now and then. No, hey, if you're not a series regular, you're going to be making guest appearances. Yeah. Sure, sometimes you're a child molester on Children's Hospital.

Yep. Most often you're a homeless guy on everything. Is that your most common audition? Homeless guy. A lot of the character breakdowns I get are overweight, slob. They can get so mean. So fucking mean. Like, this is me.

And you have to be kind of on board with the fact that you could do this. Yeah. A pathetic loser who probably smells. I always run into Wallace Shawn at our bald magazine editor type auditions. Oh, yeah. I was at an audition the other day for the reboot of a popular horror movie, and I thought I did pretty good. Felt like, hey, I did all right with that. A little bit out of my comfort zone.

I feel like I played it real, played it serious. That was pretty gruesome. A little gruesome. my comfort zone. I feel like I played it real. That was pretty gruesome. A little gruesome. I had to get killed with fake knives in the audition. Oh, I just assumed you were auditioning for Mothra. Yeah, right. Exactly. I brought my own tiny Asian twins to sing me into battle.

And then I was getting out of the audition, waiting to go in. The guy who played Jeffrey Wienerslave from 30 Rock. And I was like, shit, give it to Wienerslave. It's going to be tough to be Wienerslave. Why did you even have me come in? I auditioned for Wanderlust, the David Wayne movie. And the whole time I was reading the script for the part I was auditioning for, I kept picturing Stephen Tobolowsky. I was like, I was reading it in his voice in my head.

I was like, oh, man, this is just a Stephen Tobolowsky character. I went in and I auditioned. I had a horrible audition, like totally tanked, was really unprepared. As I finish I say thank you I open the door Stephen Tobolowsky was walking in

he didn't get it it ended up being Joe Latruglio is the naked oh yeah winemaker sure but maybe you got

an eye for casting it seems like yeah maybe you should go into casting maybe I should acting is not working out for you

I don't I'm just saying you're barely getting a guest role here and there when you're not a series regular. I know, it's tough. I think you should consider...

Anyway, can I say something about Steve and Tracy? Yes. They sent us from Charleston, South Carolina, which I think I think it's fair to say that's pickle country.

Mm-hmm. Wouldn't you say? Yes. They sent us some pickles. It's good that what that story was building to was they sent us pickles. Otherwise, that pickle country remark would have seemed a little glib. A bunch of pickle-licking. Or possibly homophobic.

Pickle-licking hill people. Sure. Have fun with your pickles, you gay rednecks. I've never been to San Francisco. That's pickle country. Too many pickles. But I find their homosexual community to be very welcoming. I just don't like briny vegetables.

I got pickled beets. Jordan, you got good and evil pickles. What kind of pickles was those good and evil pickles? Looked like jalapenos. Might be, yeah. Might be jalapenos. Maybe just like pickles that acknowledge the inherent duality of man. Sure. Anyway, Look like jalapenos. Might be. Yeah, might be jalapenos. Maybe just like pickles that acknowledge the inherent duality of man. Sure.

Anyway, I said jalapenos. Sure. That's fun. That's a way to say it. That's a fun way to say that. Way more fun. Can I? Yeah.

R.E. R.E. Careers. I had a little moment thinking about kind of my place in the entertainment industry the other day. I wanted to get deeper on pickles, but go ahead. We can go back to pickles. Yeah, we have to talk about pickles.

No, it's fine. Go ahead. No, it's fine. I was just hoping that you were going to say R-E, pickles, because- You had some more to say about it. I have a lot to say about pickles. I wanted to hear more about it. I like this character of redneck who's okay with gays who hates pickles.

I mean, I think we should flush him out. Fucking pickles. Go back to Picklevania. What? Picklevania. My only good pickle is a dead pickle. You won't believe

what they served at the reception of my friend Bob and Steve's wedding. Beautiful wedding. I guess I should say commitment ceremony. Good Lord.

Whole pile of pickles. Pickled okra. Pickled beets. Steve, you legitimately hate pickles, though. It is my number one hated food. Hands down. Wow. How do you feel about the sweet pickle series of family stories about animals, like Goose Goofs Off, for example? I don't even know what that is.

How do you feel about the Pickle Family Circus, the legendary alternative circus? Anything? I don't like anything with pickles. Nothing pickle. What is it? It's texture, it's taste, it's the whole package. When I was a little kid, I remember being at, like, kindergarten or something, and they were feeding us, and part of what they had was pickles.

And I remember one of the teachers, like, eat your pickles. And I was like, and back then it wasn't that I hated pickles. I was just like, I don't want to eat a pickle. I was like, no. She's like, Stephen, you have to eat your pickles. Sure. You got to get your essential brines. And I was like, no.

And she forced me to, like, she stuffed, like, she put them in my mouth and forced me to eat them. And as a form of retaliation, I threw up. That'll show her. And ever since. With a spite puke. I can't even smell pickles without gagging. Any, now does this apply to other fermented foods? How do you feel about kimchi?

Hate. Hate kimchi? Hate kimchi. My dad loves it. He used to bring it home from this Korean market and like would open it in the kitchen

and it would stink the whole house up. Sauerkraut. How do you feel about sauerkraut? I can handle sauerkraut. What about cortado? The pickled lettuce that comes with pupusas.

No. No? Absolutely not. I don't understand pickles. I wish I had a story as concrete as yours for like why I hate mushrooms. You know, like I wish I had been like assaulted with mushrooms or like had mushrooms shoved up my butt or something. I wish I had had mushrooms shoved up my butt. Then I would have like a legitimate reason.

But you have like a traumatic pickle experience. I shoved mushrooms up my butt one time, but it turns out that doesn't work. It does not. You have to take them. You still like them. Oh, yeah. You got to take them orally. Sure.

But if I go to a restaurant and order like a hamburger, I'll say, you know, cheese, lettuce, onions, fine. I'm like, no pickle. They're like, well, it comes on the side. I'm like, no fucking pickle. They're like, well, it comes on the side. I'm like, no fucking pickle. Because if it's on the side and it's touching the bun, this is how strong pickles are. You eat the hamburger, you can still taste pickle on the bun, like on the fries. If it's touching my fries, I won't eat the fries.

That's what they call the phantom pickle syndrome. Yeah. Do you ever find that after someone takes away the pickle, the pickle itches? Yes. Yes. Yes. No, they take away the pickle and it's still disgusting. It's fumes. It's fumes linger.

It's so gross. What about pickled egg? If you open one of those jars of pickles in here, I would guarantee you I would gag. Pickled egg? How do you feel about a pickled egg? Now, that's gross. No, that's great. A pickled egg? Yeah, you feel about a pickled egg? Now, that's gross. No, that's great. A pickled egg?

Yeah, a pickled egg is good. It sounds so disgusting. It is disgusting, but it's pretty good. Do you have those at Honky Tonks? No, you can't. When you go line dancing? Is that those purple ones? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Like Philips? Yeah, at Philips. That's where I'll eat a pickled egg, at Philips Original French Dip. Huh. Pickled egg. It's pretty good. Do you like that weird licorice from Guam or wherever it is we ate licorice from? Guam.

I do. You like the intensity. You like the intense- Number one, I didn't like that. I've been to Guam. I just found it compelling. Okay. That's number one.

I decided it's gross. But you actually like the pickled egg, though. I do actually like to eat a pickled egg. It seems so disgusting. All this pickle talk is honestly making my mouth water as though I'm preparing to throw up. Oh man, you did not know that this is all about pickles and preserves.

I know that this is about canning. It's the hardest part. Well, it is the only hard part about listening to your podcast is when you guys are talking about pickles. It comes with the territory. Well, it is the only hard part about listening to your podcast is when you guys are talking about pickles. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, it comes with the territory. Why don't you ask your followers for cookies or fucking guns or something fun?

We should ask them to mail us guns. Are you in a part of the nation that just has great artisanal guns that we wouldn't be able to get here? Yeah, sure. Sure. I think there's an artisanal – there's artisanal gunsmiths. Yeah. Right? I bet you there is like a hipster enclave somewhere where guys are like –

Making Saturday night specials and muskets. I was going to say like putting black powder into a rifle and then putting in a ball and then taking one shot. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sounds nice. Hipster gunsmiths. That's a good gun. Give us shot. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sounds nice. Hipster gunsmiths. That's a good gun. Give us a, yeah.

Get yourself some nice silver detailing. Sure. You know what I'm talking about? I've seen the Antiques Roadshow. I know about the gun guy on the Antiques Roadshow. I love that show. Can we, should I finish my career story? Yeah, that's all right.

I'm sorry. And I also want to know if you're able to say the name of the reboot of the horror movie you were auditioning for. Oh, um, Poltergeist. I didn't know they were doing able to say the name of the reboot of the horror movie you were auditioning for. Oh, Poltergeist. I didn't know they were doing that again. Yeah, they are. Pretty snappy script. That's pretty ballsy of them.

Do you know who's directing it? I do not know. Sam Raimi's producing it. Not bad. Yeah, he did a nice job with that Evil Dead, I thought. I thought that Evil Dead remake was way better than it had any right to be. Yeah, I agree. I like Spider-Man. Spider-Man was pretty good.

I enjoyed Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2. Sure. Yeah, I agree. So anyway, I've been having a little bit of a tough time on the job hunt lately. My latest YouTube thing kind of came to an end, so I've been

taking a lot of meetings, auditioning for some reboots. Sure. Did you meet with the poltergeist? I did. I met with, yeah, I met with Clown Doll. I met with Creepy Clown Doll. John Clown Doll, I guess is his full name.

Yeah. And, you know, there just wasn't a lot of chemistry. We're going in a different direction and then a giant tree bust through the window grabbed me and pulled me out of the audition room I hope it's clear I've never seen the movie Poltergeist send in Wiener Slave

that's just how I imagine a poltergeist talks were you saying you never saw the movie Poltergeist no not at all was that a perfect impression of the poltergeist from the movie Poltergeist we all just thought like, oh, clearly. Okay, great. Excellent.

So, you know, and I've had a lot of like really exciting and then ultimately disappointing near misses for stuff. So I've been walking around a little bit bummed, guys. I've been walking around a little bit bummed. And, you know, just like thinking, oh, gosh, I mean, I don't know how much more of this I can deal with. It's just like it's piling on. Yeah, go open a farm. Right? I know.

That's what it's called, right? Opening a farm. Open a farm. Well, it's a close sign and then you just switch it to open. When does your new farm drop? You got to dust off the cows. Working on a hot new farm. Working on a hot new farm.

So from time to time, I will see someone who – Steve, I don't know if you know this. For a long time, I did like goofy press junket interviews. I knew that, yeah. So from time to time, I'll see someone who I goofy press junketed in with and sometimes they'll recognize me and it's really like flattering. Like Danny McBride recognized me at once and was really nice and seen Jonah Hill a few times. It's been – it's really cool. It's really nice of them and shows that they're not all – not too big to recognize a lowly entertainment reporter. Anyway, but that has not – had not happened in a while.

So I was kind of walking from this job interview that I ultimately didn't get and wasn't feeling too good about the interview and feeling not great about myself. And then I heard, hey, my man, looking good. Turned around, Tyrese Gibson. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Tyrese. And you know what? That's got to make you feel good. It didn't just, like, ironically cheer me up.

It legitimately cheered me up. If you're not erect. It pulled me out of a huge tailspin. After Tyrese Gibson says you look good. Yeah. Who are you? That's what we do this for. Yeah.

That's what we do this for. He got my attention too. He noticed me. That's a burnished man. Yeah. That's a beautiful hand carved man. A burnished man. Yeah. That's a beautiful, hand-carved man. That is a man with just a gorgeous, beautiful, charming fellow.

Yeah. So it felt great. And I think he's been great in the Fast series. I really admire his acting work. Do you think it's fair to say he's got a million-watt smile? Yeah. At least. At least a million-watt smile.

So yeah. You know what? I've been coasted on that for the past couple days. And you know what? Specifically, I think it's important to specifically note that you are a fan of Tyrese. When you say that he – that you thought he was great in the Fast series, this isn't a theory that you've come up with since he said something nice to you. You and I have talked about how great Tyrese is in the Fast series. Sure. I mean, to say nothing of Death Race reboot.

Yeah. Great in that, too. If you got a car crashing into another car, Tyrese will give a pretty good one-liner somewhere in there. I've only seen the one Tyrese movie, Fast vs. Furious No. 5. And I thought he was wonderful in it. I thought he was so great that I brought it up once when I was out for drinks with Paul Feig and Elvis Mitchell. Sure. They were not buying what I was selling.

Elvis Mitchell. Elvis Mitchell. That guy should be on board with Tyrese. I know. I call bullshit Elvis Mitchell. Elvis Mitchell and Paul Feig were not on board with me thinking that, uh, that Tyrese was really good in Fast and Furious No. 5.

I'm going to start using that when I go into future interviews and meetings. Like, by the way, Tyrese Gibson said hi to me, and he also said that I was looking good. Yes. I put that on your resume. I'm his special skills. I'm his man. You are his man. Put that under skills.

Tyrese's man. Tyrese's man, Yeah. Put that under skills. Tyrese's man. Tyrese's man, comma, looking good. Well, Jordan, I'm glad that. I feel like he's like my totem now or my like familiar. Oh, like your spirit animal. Yeah, exactly. Like your vision quest guide. Sure, yeah.

I just have a cork board in my room with lots of Tyrese pics up on it now. So you're doing, are you saying that you were doing the secret in order to meet Tyrese pics up on it now. So you're doing, are you saying that you were doing the secret in order to meet Tyrese and it worked? No, I think I'm going to start doing it now. Like, I honestly wasn't. Vision board that shit, man. Yeah, sure. You're going to retro secret Tyrese.

Yeah, to keep him in my life. Maybe Tyrese had been vision boarding you. Maybe, maybe. And maybe he's freaking out on his podcast somewhere. He's like, and then he came out. He came out of the office. I saw that motherfucker. Tyrese has a podcast, but it's FNF only, my friend.

Friends and family. Tyrese is not for public distribution. Yeah. You could get in big shit with the big man, which is what the friends and family of Tyrese call Tyrese. Because he's a big, muscular, handsome man. Sure. I like Tyrese.

What a looker he is. You know, and like really gets that like action movie humor. Like really knows how to like say a funny one-liner and like, you know, to diffuse the tension of the action scene. He's legitimately great at that. Yeah, I agree. Great work, Tyrese. Yeah, way to recognize me on the street and make me feel good. As members of the Academy, not of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, but of art in general,

members of the Academy, people whose opinions are respected and valued, we approve of you, Tyrese. Yeah. Great work in the movie Fast and Furious No. 5. And great work in Death Race reboot. Sure. You should do a weekly segment called Jordan Morris' Tyrese something or other. I could do an analog of Dave and Graham's Hulk Hogan news. One of our other podcast buddies, they do Hulk Hogan news.

I could do Tyrese news. Yeah. I think that would be fun. You know, Dave and Graham, why don't you stop podcasting yourself? podcast buddies, they do Hulk Hogan news. I could do Tyrese news. Yeah, I think that would be fun. This week in Tyrese. Dave and Grandma, stop podcasting yourself. Sing a little song. I think it would be fun to sing a little song.

It would be like, it's a Tyrese news. It's Tyrese news. Well, that's a little too samey to theirs. No, that's the whole point. We're stealing their bit. Oh, good. Yeah, we should do that because it's funny. Sure. It's a great bit, so we should steal it.

Yeah. We're going to do it better, Carlos Mencia style. You're right. We're going to sell it. We'll put a little Latin flavor on it. Yeah. A little Latin steak. And throw a beater at the end.

Sure. Oh, my God. To really pump it up. Yeah. Juice it up, Mencia style. Mm-hmm. I like this. This is a great segment. Yeah, I like it too. Thanks for that idea, Steve. You got it up. Yeah. Juice it up Mencia style. I like this. This is a great segment.

Yeah, I like it too. Thanks for that idea, Steve. You got it, you guys. Especially the slur at the end. That was fun. You know my Foster Brooks all of a sudden? Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Jessica.

Hey, this is Erin and Brian from Throwing Shade, and we would love to throw some shade on you this summer. Every Tuesday, we inject all sorts of news stories concerning ladies and gays with silliness and sexiness. Just in time for bikini season. Check us out on MaxFun under Throwing Shade. Okay, they're not stupid. No, I know, but yeah, they could be. Well, why would you spell it out like that?

Well, because I was the spelling bee champion of the world. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Steve Agee, undercover lover. This is why we do this, Jordan. For magic moments like that. Hey, and we appreciate it. I planned that out as though the same way you would plan out every time you watch Inside the Actors Studio what your answers are. Oh, what would you say to God? What's your favorite curse word?

Steve Agee knows what the fuck's going on around these parts. Undercover lover. He even, I mean, Steve Agee is no fair weather Jordan Jesse Goe accolade. No, no. Acolyte? Acolyte. There you go. He even called us out on Twitter when he thought we were making fun of Dr. Hogley Wogley's Tyler, Texas barbecue.

Yeah. Which I feel like I clarified our – or my position on. Jesse, I don't think you've been there. It's that we love it. I love it. And anything negative I had to say was – I have my favorite barbecue stuff. I haven't tried everything on the menu.

Like Donna Summer, I would love to love it. Yeah. Given the opportunity. To love it. I'd be all over that. What are we talking? Are we talking ribs or brisket? Brisket for me.

Brisket. For me, it's brisket. I had a brisket sandwich. Brisket is good. Brisket's a real winner. But you know, you got to get brisket right. Ribs, that's, I mean, there's great ribs and there's good ribs. But it's easy to dry out a brisket if you do it

wrong. So you gotta go to the right place for brisket. Dry brisket is really bad. Nobody wants dry brisket. Yeah. Come on. That'd be a good band name, Dry Brisket. That really

sounds like a jam band, Steve. Brisket. That really sounds like a jam band, Steve. It does. That really, with the food-related names they thought of while they were high. Dry Brisket, man. Hey, guys, I'm a homeowner. Yeah. How about that? Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I'm jealous. I will. You won't enjoy it. It'll get you super baked. It probably won't get you baked at all. Jesse, you put the homo in homeowner. Sorry, homos. That's really great. Oh, I really enjoyed that.

Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Oh, thank you very, very much. I think that when I see the word homeowner. Oh, my gosh. So tell us about the new digs. The new accolades. I'm so jealous. Oh, I mean digs. We moved next door to where we lived before. The truth is, like,

we were just, we were just, we just didn't have it in us to do a whole, to get involved in a whole thing. Oh yeah. Did you literally move stuff by just carrying it out to the sidewalk and then around to your new house? That's what the movers we hired did, yeah. That's amazing.

Couldn't you just throw things, like, through the window? Dude, that was one of the best parts of the whole thing, was when they moved our lawn furniture, they just put two dudes on one side of the fence and two dudes on the other and passed that shit over. Sweet. Oh, by the way, if anybody's in California and needs movers, can I recommend Delancey Street movers?

Yeah, you can. Because they are spectacular. This is the third time we've moved with them. It is like a dream experience. And it is obviously it's the shadiest field. Oh, my God. I've had some bad movers. There's no one shadier than a house mover.

And not only that, they're a non-profit. They're putting people to work who are often in recovery and stuff like that. And it is... Yeah, Jesse, did you check on your stash? Is your stash still there? Did you check to see if anyone shit on your couch cushions, Jesse? You mean my porno mag stash? I mean your stash of pills.

Uppers, downers. Oh, I thought you meant just guys who are a real pill. Yeah, right. Your collection of fussy guys. But, you know, we hired... I hate... I fucking hate moving. It's the worst.

Yeah, it is totally the worst. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I have a lot of shit. Sure. I mean, that's just my lifestyle. You know what I mean? I'm not going to lie to you guys. I have a lot of shit. Sure. I mean, that's just my lifestyle. You know what I mean? I'm not... This is good shit.

Yeah, I went to your apartment once when I did... Brian and I did Sound of Young America. Yeah, and that was a long time. I remember it was... I was packed full of shit. Yeah, you're looking at a 27-year-old guy. And it's not... It's not weird or bad shit, right?

No, it's... It's tasteful. Yeah, people have a bunch of shit. Yeah, some people got a bunch of shit. Some people are full of shit. Some people just got a bunch of shit. Brian, what's the last time you've moved? Steve.

Oh, boy. You were saying, yeah, but a dick. I lived in a house in Beachwood Canyon for four years. And then two years ago, I moved. Much like you, Jesse, I hate moving and didn't want to pay to move far. So I found an apartment that was two blocks away from my place. Like you can see my old place from my current place. I've lived there for two years.

You can see my old place from my current place. I've lived there for two years. I once moved from one apartment on the same floor of an apartment building to another apartment on the same floor of that apartment building. And it was purely because we needed a room. My wife had basically forbidden me to continue doing my radio show in our living room. She said, we need to move somewhere that has a room that you can do that in and because she needed to do her avon parties exactly mary k yeah um have i ever told you about the time i was i was at a hotel and there was like a full-on mary k convention going on oh you mean a fuck fest? Because if I was there,

I would have turned it into one. Plowed your way through those 50-year-old... Those aunties. Those 50-year-old aunties. Aunties. In leopard print everything. So much. Those peg bundies.

Yeah. Those peg bundies and Fran Dreschers. Oof, yum. It was, but the move went relatively smoothly. Good. We're fucking unpacking shit. Is the water on? Is the internet on?

There's no, okay, so we bought this house. This guy lived in this house before us, lived there for 25 years with no utilities. So right now- Whoa, really? Yes. That's so weird.- Whoa, really? Yes. That's so weird. Isn't that crazy? Yeah.

I'm trying to figure out how to get- how do you get trash cans? Yeah. Like, you have to have city- and let's be clear. I understand you can go down to the hardware store and buy a trash can. However- How do you get the trash people to acknowledge someone lives in this house? Yeah. That is a serious-

No utilities. People keep asking me, people keep, I think because it's not in, you know those programs that look up addresses? They know what addresses are? Yeah. I don't think my address is in those. Are you off the grid? I think it tells you.

Is your house its own state? That guy was a squatter, basically. He was squatting in a home he owned. That's insane. He died, right? He died, yeah. He died a squatter, basically. He was squatting in a home he owned. That's insane. He died, right? He died, yeah. He died a couple years ago. The neighbors told me-

What's the poltergeist situation? At the end, we got one evil toy clown. Okay. That's pretty good. They can deal with that. We have one haunted Mothra. Okay. So that is dangerous.

That is a concern. Are you worried about Simon getting pulled into the TV? That is an issue. I'm less worried about the Mothra simply because we do not allow Japanese twins into our home as a rule. Sure. Even before the Mothra. Right. I'm still amazed this guy had no utilities.

I know. He was a hoarder too. And we live next door, so I know what it looked like before it got bought and remodeled. And it definitely hadn't been painted in 20 or 30 years. Yeah. It looked like it was complete, entirely shambolic. So when somebody dies in a place like that, they obviously can't move their shit out afterwards. Do you have to handle getting everything out of there?

The neighbors told us he didn't die there, that for the last few years, he just lived in his car outside the house. Dude, okay, I had a neighbor at my old place, the place I lived up in Beachwood Canyon for four years. And there was a neighbor who, for the first, like, two years, I never saw, like, inside his house. And it looked like the windows were blocked out. years. I never saw like inside his house and it looked like the windows were blocked out. And the only time I would ever see him is at night when I would come home and I'd go to the end of the street to the cul-de-sac to turn around and come back. He would be sitting in his car, which was a Mercedes, a nice Mercedes. And he would be sitting in his car reading at night. And that's when I would notice that his car was floor-to-ceiling books and magazines and garbage.

The only open space in that car was his driver's seat. Then one day I saw – I drove by and his garage was open and it was floor-to-ceiling, the same kind of shit with just a little pathway. That's what was going on at this house. That's what was going on at this house. I know because our landlord told us that when the guy died, which I think was maybe shortly before we moved in next door, he went in there and sort of helped clear it out, and he said it was completely insane. Do you think you got a good price on the house because of the former crazy guy? Do you think maybe that helped the— You mean like his ghost?

Yeah, right. Were you able to negotiate with his ghost? He had written— Ghost ha his ghost? He had written... Ghost haggling. He had written some pretty terrifying... Another good jam band name. He had written some pretty terrifying stuff on the walls in Blood. Sure.

And I think that really helped a lot in our negotiations. He just wrote no utilities in Blood. Trips down the wall. But what's funny is I was talking about... Our friend Mark Maron, comedian and podcaster Mark Maron and television program star Mark Maron, gave me a call to talk about an unrelated issue. And he said, oh, what's going on with you? And I said, oh, we just had an offer accepted on a house. And he said, really?

Where is it? You know, what's the story? I said, oh, you know, it's right next door to our old place and right in Mount Washington. And he goes, oh, next door to our old place and right in Mount Washington. And, uh, and he goes, Oh, next door to the junkyard.

And I was like, yes, there's a lot of junk in the neighbor's yard. And he's like, yeah, that house doesn't have gas. Did you know that? And I was like,

no, I didn't know that. Nobody told me it didn't have gas. So I knew about your house. Marin knew about it. No, Marin knew more about it than I did. Marin's all

over this. Boy, you're really going to have to do a lot of damage control to get trick-or-treaters to come back, because I bet that was a house that everybody... Well, once they heard Marin had been there, they were like, I'm out. So once you start making the calls to get the utilities hooked up, like the gas company,

when you would give the address were they like whoa we've been wondering yeah yeah there's a weird like it's weird because there's no new construction on my street i mean all the houses in my street were built 100 years ago but everyone completely baffled that there's like we have to convince them there's a house there and i really have like I've been going back and forth with the trash department trying to convince them. They're like, you lost your trash cans. And I'm like, no, there were no trash cans. And they're like, there was a house there.

And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, all the houses are issued trash cans. And I'm like, I can assure you there were no trash cans. Boy, I mean, you should take advantage of living in a dead zone. Just live a lawless existence. Oh, really? Every day could be the purge, Jesse. You think I could murder my wife?

I mean, if they're- Collect on the insurance money? I mean, I think if sanitation- Does insurance apply during the purge? If sanitation doesn't, no. Think what a great situation the people who bought your old place are moving into. Trash cans, utilities. Jordan, you saw The Purge.

Was there an extended sequence about how they handled insurance in that situation? Yeah, most of the movie is just like zoning questions. Like people use The Purge as an excuse to build a really tall fence. School board meetings. The thing about that movie is they never assume that in a state of lawlessness, people will do anything other than murder. Right. Like it's never suggested that people will steal or have like weird deviant sex. All the Armenians are building extra floors on their houses.

I really am building an extra two tall fence. Our house is on a street where very few houses face that street. Mostly it's people's backyards face up to that street. So your street is an alley. It's sort of, no, it's a real street, but it's on the side of a mountain. Oh, I know exactly what you're saying. So across the street from us is just the side of a mountain. Yep.

And most of the lots go street to street and it's one house. Right. And so we're one of the few houses that face up to the street. And they had made it, I guess for the real estate photos, they had made it look like a little suburban house with a front yard and a little, you know, whatever. But that means that it's the only house for half a mile in either direction that doesn't have an enormous eight foot fence in front of it. And so it's just sort of like it's as though you were driving down, you know, one of those streets like where it's auto wreckers, you know, where it's eight foot metal corrugated

fences on either side. And then you just got to randomly a house from Smallville. And everyone's like, that's the house we're going to rob tonight. That sounds like going to Dr. Hogley Wogley's. You are driving past like wrecking yards and then, oh, there's this barbecue restaurant. Can I ask you guys a question about barbecue restaurants? Sure. What's up with this tradition of having an enormous barbecue restaurant 70 miles from a major city?

What is that? Is it too much wood smoke? barbecue restaurant 70 miles from a major city. What is that? Is it too much wood smoke? Yeah, maybe it's a zoning issue. Yeah. Maybe like, you know, various loose meats. I'll drive to that shit. Yeah.

For loose meats. Yeah. You're going to need to form C-292. That's loose meats. Yeah. It's a class C meat. Yeah. There's good barbecue places within city limits meats. Yeah. It's a Class C meat. There's good barbecue places within city limits here. Yeah.

I mean, Dr. O'Hogglywoggly's is a little bit of a haul, and it's far and away better than anything I've had. Uncle Andre's is really good on Moore Park and Colfax. We are not allowed to talk about local restaurants on this program. That is the most complaints we get besides chewing into the microphone. Can we talk about McDonald's then, Jesse? What's your favorite Big Mac, fellas? International restaurant. What's your favorite Big Mac?

Yeah. Mine's the Big Mac. The Big Mac? You guys like the Big Mac? No pickles. Yeah, okay. Fair enough. On the issue of hoarders,

other TLC shows have you guys seen hanging out on Netflix this TLC series strange sex no I've heard of it though sounds sensual well here's the thing that's what I was hoping

I kind of looked at it with the idea oh this is like the basic cable version of real sex their slogan is internet working, but computer not working. Why not beat off to this Netflix title? Want to jerk it, but don't want to close this window? So I looked at it and every episode of Strange Sex has one thing that's adorable and delightful and one thing that's a horrible, depressing nightmare. Like it'll be Jimmy and Pam want to integrate tickling into their relationship. Mike fucks pickle jars.

Yeah. But also his penis has been mutilated in the war. Oh. This has been mutilated in the war. Oh, it's like they take something really cute and fun and then add it to the most horrible form of sexual mutilation that will bum you out forever. Who are the people watching the shows where the where the point of the show is how miserable and sick someone's life is? Boy, I don't know. Uh, boy, I don't know. Um, and someone, it's, and to, to assume via this show that someone would want to see a fun segment about, you know, those balloon popping fetishists and then look to a, and

then see a story about a paraplegic who has to have sex through blinking. Like some, they're positing that someone wants to see, that was a thing. He does not blinking. Somebody like rubs his thumb. The diving That was a thing. He's just not blinking. Somebody like rubs his thumb. The diving bell on the butterfly. Yeah, totally. Yes. It's like, yeah, can people in iron lungs have sex?

This show is positing that someone is out there who wants to watch both of those. But what about the ones that are like that but also like grotesque? Like that really sucks for that paraplegic. Sure. However, I don't know. I'm basing all of this on half an episode of Intervention I saw on an airplane. Oh, God, yeah. But it was about a woman who drank so much that she was drinking constantly.

Oh, but also, like, mouthwash when people would take away her booze. Yeah. And she was just so gross and nightmarishly sad. Sure. And just the show was just like some people talking about, you know, oh, I am or I'm her son. I was three, which was seven years ago. She left me at the abattoir that she was visiting for informational purposes. Sure. And I had my arm cut off and it got eaten by a pig.

That is such a- And then the pig got killed. And it was all her. And just the most grotesque, nightmarish shit. Yeah. her and like and just the most grotesque nightmarish shit yeah and it's just presented it's presented as educational television it's the learning channel yeah well but that's the thing like the tone of that show that i watch was very serious but not there's no educational content at all. It's pure prurience. Yeah. Yeah, it's sad porn. Yeah, but like vomitous sad.

Sure. Like I was sick. I couldn't believe, I mean, I turned it off because I couldn't bear to see it anymore. Yeah. Like those shows are very popular, I think. Yeah. I mean, I can understand why somebody wants to watch Duck Dynasty. Everybody likes to laugh at a crazy uncle.

Yeah, right. You know, and if it's good, if it's bad, you know, it's not always the key consideration for a television program. Or 2 million people who are like, I got to watch this show about someone who left his wife so that he could spend more time eating couch foam. I have the same question and problems with people just watching Jersey Shore. That's horrible enough to me. Didn't you? Do I remember correctly from when you were on The Sound of Young America that you worked in reality, that you worked in reality television pre-Sarah Silverman program? Yeah, I worked in many reality shows. Did you ever work on anything that was...

Horrible? Evil rather than simply vacuous? Well, I worked on Real World, Road Rules, Osbournes, Temptation Island 1 and 2, Joe Millionaire 1 and 2. Wow. Some stuff that never even made it to air. I worked for a good 10 years in reality TV. What did you see?

What do we need to know? A lot of manipulation. I mean, it's shit that's common knowledge now. A lot of manipulation of footage and taking you know sentences and and stuff out of context which is such a fucking bummer that's so horrible right that's that's that is sincerely offensive to me the not not even putting people in a weird fucked up situation as much as the part where they will they will take a shot of someone reacting to something that's not the thing and then present it as though they're reacting to something.

You know what I mean? Sure. Does that make any sense at all? I lost track of that sentence. And I was around long enough to see it go from the real world when it first started airing in the early 90s was actually like a decent show. It was like we're going to, eight completely different people and put them in, you know, from different backgrounds and see what happens.

And then just go from this thing of watching not only casting, but people, applicants, realizing that, oh, I have a better chance of getting on this show if I am fucked up. And so just being fucked up for the sake of getting on TV. Can I ask you guys a real world question? Sure. This is something that I've been wanting to ask on Jordan Jesse Go, but have not had the opportunity. Okay.

It weighs so heavily upon me. My son Simon, two years old, has a book called 123 San Francisco. has a book called 1-2-3 San Francisco. This is a book where it's like one Golden Gate Bridge, two cable cars, three seals on a pier, four Coit Towers, five Transamerica pyramids, right? For instance. And all it is, it's a small book,

all it is on the page is a graphic representation of those things. It's a good-looking book. Yeah. And then just the number. Yeah. On the front, it has credits. Illustrated by blah, blah, blah. By Puck.

Is it Puck from the real world San Francisco went into a publisher's office, pitched them a number book, and showed them an outline, which was just the numbers 1 through 10? It wouldn't surprise me. And he was like, I'm going to put one something San Francisco. I haven't gotten that far yet. Are there these for every city? I don't know. That's the other question. Well, Puck is from San Francisco. Yeah, because he was the real world San Francisco.

So the question is, or is it that they have one of these in each city and they get a local celebrity to put their name on the cover? And so it's New York City. It's by- Regis. Yeah, Regis. Sure. We picked a really great New Yorker just now. So, Ed Koch and Regis.

So, yeah. One, the Empire State Building. So, 123 Portland is written by Stephen Malcomus. Written by Regis, illustrated by Ed Koch. The late Ed Koch. Right. May he rest in peace. But like, sincere, this is a real question to you.

Which of these scenarios seems most likely? God, you know, I only know Puck as like a pull for like real world characters. That was something that totally missed me when I was of the age for it. I mean, I was in prime MTV. I never watched it. Yeah., I was in prime MTV. I never watched it. Yeah. But I was in prime MTV demographic. I was too busy watching the video for Mother 93 by Danzig.

Sure. Which was a favorite of mine at the time. But I was 12, whatever, and I was in San Francisco. It was a big deal. Two things that are very vivid to me. And I mean, I think you grew up in Southern California where there's show business stuff all the time. Especially in Orange County.

I mean, just the glamour. There was no show business. But I mean, there's, but it's not. I guess there was the diving board where Greg Luganis trained. But they like shoot things. No, totally. Uh-uh. I, yeah.

Where? Wait, what? In Orange County. Oh. Yeah. I bet you probably ran across more movie sets than I did. Really? Yeah, totally. Uh-uh. Yeah. Where? Wait, what? In Orange County. Oh. Yeah. I bet you probably ran across more movie sets than I did. Really? Yeah, totally.

Yeah. Orange County doesn't look like anything. So I married an ax murderer. Yeah. Sister Act. The first Sister Act, not the following two. Those were, I think, shot in Los Angeles. A whole string of Dirty Harry movies.

That's before my time. Yeah, but even things that are set in Orange County, like Arrested Development or the movie Orange County, they would never go there. The things that I remember most vividly are Puck from the Real World and Manny the Hippie from when David Letterman went to San Francisco and he said diggity dank. Those things are fucking touchstones for me. I have no idea why. I mean, I actually like David Letterman. And Manny the Hippie was kind of cute, too.

Yeah. But fucking Puck from the real world, a powerful figure in my life. I don't think I've ever seen an episode of the real world. Yeah. Yeah, I always remember wanting to watch Beavis and Butthead and when an episode of real world would come on, I was so mad. I have negative associations

from the real world because it was what was on other than Beavis and Butthead. Okay, but let's get back to this book written apparently by Puck. It's also possible that it was written by Shakespeare's Puck. It could be, yeah.

The impish prankster. Which is probably more likely. Oh, I bet maybe his clever jape was to mix up the numbers. Does it go one, two, five, four? It does, Jake. Because that is something that the puck of Shakespeare would do. And the whole thing is an implied iambic pentameter. Right.

Although, Steve, I guess probably Brian should be on this. I mean, Steve is looking this up right now. I'm looking it up. Brian. Yes. It's a different puck. Different puck. Wait.

Wait a minute. There's two guys? This is a guy. Sonny D says it's a different puck. I don't believe it's possible. Is San Francisco big enough for two men with the single name puck? Well, if anywhere has multiple Pucks. Is Puck, okay, Sonny D, is Puck a guy who travels from city to city identifying its most notable landmarks and then making a book out of it?

He writes the entire 1-2-3 series. Okay. That is amazing, Sonny D. Fucking Puck. Fucking Puck. How do you get a gig like that is amazing, Sonny D. Fucking punk. Fucking punk. How do you get a gig like that? Yeah, right?

Yeah. How do you get, for just, you have to be fucking Simon or Schuster. The ideas are out there, man. You just gotta grab them.

Sometimes they're super simple. That's a really good point, Brian Grazer. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go is brought to you by a darkly hilarious debut novel by Dan Kennedy, American Spirit.

Actually, he's here with me today to tell you about it himself. Hi, Jordan. So, yeah, American Spirit is about a 40-something guy named Matthew, and he goes on this vision quest to figure out his life when his life kind of falls apart. And he's pretty depressed, but he does some pretty weird shit because of that to make sense of his life. But he's also a spirited character in the end, and I like to think you get a little snapshot of why America is a really kind of beautiful place in the process. And there's also a gun, mild hallucinogens. They roll an RV in Yellowstone Park. There's international air travel. There's sex with a gorgeous agent whose clients are polite boys in vampire movies. It's

the full package. Dan Kennedy is the host of the Moth podcast, a great writer and a great friend of our show. So go grab his book today. Thanks, Jordan. My pleasure. Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Steve Agee, Psychic to the Stars.

Sponsor this week are friends at VG Kids. Yes, VG Kids, a full-service screen printing company offering custom garments, posters, packaging, stickers, as well as full-color digital printing. Wait, are you laughing? I think Steve Agee is laughing because you said full-service. No, I'm laughing because he's reading it off a phone. Oh, what are we? We don't waste paper around here. No, it's great.

We want people to know the full range of services that VG Kids offers. And also to maybe imply that they'll give you a handy. I mean, they might. They might. Ask. Call and ask. Right. I love VG Kids. If you're making an order of, say, letterpress printed business cards, check in.

Do it. Do you also offer manual stimulation? Digital stimulation. Genital stimulation. ATM stimulation. Here's the deal. The folks at VG Kids, they print a bunch of stuff for MaximumFun.org. They are really nice.

They are big Jordan Jesse Go fans, and they will gladly give you 10% off. All you have to do is mention that you heard about it on Jordan Jesse Go. They all listen to Jordan. I met these people. Why wouldn't you do it? That's stupid of you not to. They do a great job. They'll print whatever you want.

What do you need? Anything I want? That's amazing. A handjob? I don't know if that can be printed. They would print a picture of a handjob for you. Oh, okay. Fake money? If your band is the Handies. Counterfeit money?

I couldn't think of the word counterfeit. Fake money. All they come up with is fake money. You know what? They don't print counterfeit money. They will print counterfeit stamps. Good enough for me. That's like money. All they come up with is fake money. You know what? They don't print counterfeit money. They will print counterfeit stamps. Good enough for me. That's like money. That's money in the bank because everyone needs stamps.

Take those down to the barber shop and, you know, everybody needs some forever stamps. Barbers? Take it down to Supercuts. VGkids.com is the website. VGkids.com. VGkids.com. VG. Very good. Kids. the website. VGkids.com. VGkids.com. VG. Very good.

Kids. Dot com. Website. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll share your message about whatever. Yeah. Anniversary. We don't care.

ATM. They do not care. ATM. We're going to do. Digital manipulation. An announcement about ATM. Yeah. Just like ATM safety, ATM awareness week?

Yeah. If you got- Analogous is coming up. M to A is way safer, but that's obvious. We need to talk about ATM. We need to talk about ways to corral that and wrassle it into safety compliance. It involves a long shower and a lot of corral. Sure.

Okay, gang. Well, we've had a lot of fun pitching the Jumbotron, which is at MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor any of our MaximumFun.org shows, which I think you should. Absolutely. Do it. I say you got a company, which I think you should. Absolutely. Do it. I say, you got a company? We'll sell it across the network. Full coverage.

Email it to Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. What fun. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Steve Agee, Guam's chief export.

Came to play. Came to play. I love that shit, man. Came to play. Steve Agee's the real home run hitter. Yeah. I cede my nickname home run hitter to you. Because you have hit a home run every time out.

Yeah. we're still working with some shit we thought of when we were 19 and 18 respectively yeah do you guys know your answers to uh inside the actor studios that questionnaire if what's your what's your least favorite word yeah favorites what so what is it so what do you say to god i i never i don't have all that planned out mine is has always been, what's your favorite curse word? Yeah. What is your favorite curse word? Which sadly, I think it's just fuck or any form of fuck.

Fuck's great. I mean, it's hard to like, it's hard to, yeah, what's better? What's more useful? Yeah. Basically nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, just to switch it up, I would probably do a racial slur just so people would remember my Inside the Actors studio. Right, so it became a legendary Inside the Actors studio. Right. So it became a legendary Inside the Actors studio. Right. I remember when Kiefer Sutherland was on, they're like, what's your least favorite word? And he said the N-word. Yeah. And then there was a rash of people editing it into his favorite word and putting that on YouTube.

Oh, no. What's your favorite word? The N-word. But him actually saying the N-word. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah? The N-word. But him actually saying the N-word. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. No, I have not picked up.

I have not fantasized about being on Inside the Actors Studio. Did Kiefer Sutherland, when he was on, did he reveal the secret of acting? Did you find that you had learned the secret of acting? I don't remember. After watching Kiefer Sutherland. Six years ago. I don't remember. I mean, that's around when you learn the secret of acting? I don't remember. This was after watching Kiefer Sutherland six years ago. I don't remember. I mean, that's around when you learned the secret of acting, right? Do you think you learned it from Kiefer Sutherland? Yes. Yeah. And I do. I do. I think your performances are Kiefer Sutherland-esque. Thank you. Yeah. So at least Donald Sutherland-esque.

Yeah. At the bare minimum. Bare minimum. Donald Sutherland. You haven't yet reached the heights of Kiefer Sutherland. You're kind of hovering around Donald. I fucking love Donald Sutherland. He is the better Sutherland, though, to be fair.

By far the better Sutherland. I have not reached Mary-Kate. I'm kind of hovering around Ashley. Sure. That's about how good an actor I am. Yeah, I got it. I'm probably not even going to get Poltergeist Reboot, guys. I'm going to give it to Wienerslave.

Just give it to Wienerslave. Hey, that's the right call. Yeah, you got that podcast money. You're not sweating it. I guess. I would like to be in the Poltergeist Reboot, though, if they're listening. I'd like to be in the Poltergeist Reboot. Yeah they're listening. I'd like to be in the Poltergeist reboot. I want to get killed with a bunch of floating knives.

You know what I want? Our friend, we have a friend who is the host of and a friend who is the director of a show called The Engadget Show for Engadget.com. Sure. And Steve keeps letting us know we should stretch. for Engadget.com. Sure. And, um... Stephen, he keeps letting us know we should stretch. No, I dropped my phone and Jesse looked

and I just kept mentioning, keep going, ignore that, ignore you just... And they did, like, a Halloween episode that had a Scooby-Doo parody. Yeah.

And I played a Scooby-Doo villain in it. And it's probably the most fun thing I've ever done in my life. Sure. And, and uh so from here on out anyone i meet who has ever had a cartoon i'm going to demand to be in it that's i think that's fair that seems reasonable totally reasonable why why wouldn't you put me in in

with these golden pipes come on i had a period of whenever I would have meetings with my managers and just to talk about, you know, what I should be doing to get out there and stuff. I'd be like I would always end every meeting with I don't care what you fucking do for me career wise audition wise. Just get me an audition for Law and Order or CSI type show where I play the corpse at the beginning of the episode as they're pulling the sheet over my face. Sure. I just want to be like in the cold open where they're like, well, that was a weird, you know, just. Yeah. I just want to do that. They would do more like celebrity stunt casting with those roles. I mean, that's perfect.

I mean. I don't think they ever fucking even tried. I guess it would probably be like distracting or. Who's your agent again? Mike Ovitz, right? Yes. Mike Ovitz. Super agent Mike Ovitz.

Remember? Mike Ovitz was the greatest agent in the world for a long time. Yeah. I think you could get Mike on the phone and just tell him it's now or never or you're walking and you're. Now in 2013, I probably could get Mike on the phone and just tell him it's now or never or you're walking and you're now. Now in 2013, I probably could get Mike on the phone. If Mike Ovitz doesn't close this deal for you, you're moving over to Swifty Lazar. The only other famous agent. Ari, what's his name?

Oh, yeah. From Entourage. Entourage. Or Jeremy Piven from Entourage. The only three famous agents. Entourage. Or Jeremy Pivotin from Entourage. The only three famous agents.

If something happened, if something like that happened to you, Steve, I'd say it would qualify as a momentous occasion. It would be great. I would have a viewing party. When something momentous happens to our audience, we ask that they call us at 206-984-4FUN. And Steve, are you going to do that six-year-old thing where you say what I'm saying at the end of all of it? Join it! Join it! Dang it, join it!

But it is one of my favorite things to do. It is a lot of fun. I used to do it to Laura Silverman all the time when we were doing Sarah's show and nothing made her more furious. It's infuriating. Oh, it is infuriating. Having more furious. It's infuriating. Oh, it is infuriating. Having it done to you is infuriating.

She probably, I can imagine that she has a withering look of disapproval as well. Oh, yeah. Dagger eyes. Yeah. I would not want to be in her ill graces. No, of course not. 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. No, of course not. 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call.

Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. Hello, Go. I'm behind a car whose license plate is GZZZZZR, which, in effect, is jizzer, and I don't understand anything else that it could be, so I don't know if I should be this close to that person,

or if I should be in awe of them. That was the jizzest original name in the Wu-Tang Clan. Big baby jizzer? I'm the RZA. This is the jizzer. It would be gizzer, right? Geezer, probably, right? Like an old man?

Geezer. Z-Z-Z-Z-R. I would say that I'm not nuts about having two personalized license plate calls in two consecutive shows. That's pretty good, though. Geezer is pretty good. I say at the point where you have something that baffling, then you're really just trying to find a way to donate to save whales.

Like, that's what that's about. If I can't. He wanted to pay the extra 40 bucks to get the whale license plate. Oh, right. Sure. We just have something so nonsensical. If I can't tell what your license plate says within three seconds, then you have fucking failed. Full chort.

What? Yeah. Full chort. Full chort. Full chore. Full chore. Oh, my God. I swear to God. If anyone, whoever gets their personalized license plate full chore and then puts a license plate frame that says MaximumFun.org around it, I will buy you an airplane ticket to Los Angeles from any major city in the United States up to $500.

This is a sincere offer. First person, not every person, first person to get a license plate that says phone chart. What would that be, I guess? F-O-L-C-H-R-T. I can guarantee you that has not been taken. It depends how many letters are in your state on your state's license plate. No, that's true. Right? I mean, you've got to come up

with something good for full short. Sure. And then you have to go to the mall kiosk and get a thing that says JordanJesseGo, MaximumFun.org. Send me a picture. Send an email to JJGo at MaximumFun.org. First person to do that, and it's real. I will buy you a plane ticket to Los Angeles to come to a JordanJesseGo show.

What would be better, though, is to have them drive their car to one of the MaxFunCons and have it be the official car of MaxFunCon. Just back it up on stage. Maybe we could put on a big paper machine. Like Miss Saigon. Yeah, sure. It's her signature. Everyone's waiting for the big finale. The big finale of Act 3.

Full short dress on stage. That is fucking amazing and sad. Packs on stage. Beep, beep. It's just an 83 Honda CVCC. It's a Miata. Ford Maverick. And can I make one other thing clear?

If it's a partial short, half short, don't even email me. Half short. Don't even email me. I've never seen Jesse laugh this hard in my fucking life. Okay, play another call. I am literally... He's crying. He's fucking wiping tears from his eyes. Full short.

Wow. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Jeremy in Portland, Oregon, with a momentous occasion. I was just driving home a few minutes ago, pulled up to a stoplight, looked over to my right and saw a sort of well-to-do African-American woman, of well-to-do African-American woman, middle-aged, in a maybe mid-2000s

Chrysler, like burgundy color. She's got the rearview mirror pointed down towards her chin. She's got her chin up, and she's nonchalantly shaving the underside of her neck with an electric razor. Anyway, thanks a lot.

I'm sorry. Jordan is over here fighting back laughter. I had a really hard time that whole time. Yeah, I didn't pay attention. As soon as it was about...

As soon as it was about the car, I'm sweating. I'm fucking sweating. I'm sweating. Jesus Christ. I'm sweating. I'm sweating.

I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating.

I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating.

I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating.

I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating.

I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I was hoping the next caller would be like a monumentous occasion

my wife and I had our first child we named him Full George oh boy what was that last call about? somebody was shaving in the car? I'm in the United States Army I just got promoted to Full George that was a really great momentous occasion Sorry, me. I just got promoted to Vulture.

That was a really great momentous occasion. He saw a well-to-do woman in tears driving a car, and she was stopped at a stoplight shaving her chin with an electric razor. That's good. That's pretty good. But, oh, as soon as he started describing the car. The longer it went, the funnier Full Jordan got. Yeah. We'll be back.

I don't even know what that fucking means, by the way. It's no nothing. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, you know, the problem is as soon as you say don't think about an elephant, then all you're going to think about is an elephant, right? It's the stay-puffed marshmallow man. Yes, right. So the secret is if you're trying not to think about Fulgore, the thing to do is say don't think about an elephant,

then all you can think is hooves, tusks, powerful legs. Yeah. Hannibal crossing the Alps. I'm seeing maximum fun t-shirts. Yeah, I think it'll probably become our most cherished inside joke. Bumper stickers. Okay, so can I say one thing about elephants? Speaking of elephants.

Yeah, please. I went to the zoo with my son, and he kicked his shoe off into the elephant enclosure. Oh, no. Which, yeah, which was pretty cool. That's amazing. And so I didn't know really what to do. He was trying to antagonize the elephants. Yeah, so there's a guy there, and I'm like, hey, my son just put his shoe into the elephant enclosure. Can somebody get it or something?

He's like, you have to wait until the elephant show, which was like an hour. I'm like, nobody can just run down there and grab the shoe? And he's like, nope, sorry. So I waited until the elephant show. It was like, as I said, an hour. So it's an hour of me trying to explain to my son why we can't get the shoe back. Or coaxing an elephant to throw a shoe back. my son, why we can't get the shoe back.

Or coaxing an elephant to throw a shoe back. Yeah, trying to having peanuts and kind of trying to indicate him that one shoe equals one peanut. Yes. Yeah. And at the end of it, finally, the keeper does the show. They have to do the whole show. I thought maybe he could just grab it before he started the show. It was all right.

I mean, I learned a fair amount about elephants. That's good. It threats to their habitat. Oh, yeah. Why their legs are so big. That's good. The threats to their habitat. Oh, yeah. Why their legs are so big. That's good. To support their enormous weight. Yeah, I mean, it's not like...

Who would have thought? It's not like, well, to get the shoe, you have to sit through a bee attack. Yeah. It's like, no, you got to sit through something cool to get the shoe. So at the end of it, he gives the shoe back. And when he gives the shoe back, I'm there with my dad. Simon, my son, is with my dad when the he gives the shoe back. And when he gives the shoe back, I'm there with my dad. Simon, my son, is with my dad when the keeper gives the shoe back. And so I told my son, I thought it would be fun to tell my son the elephant gave you your shoe back.

Oh, that is fun. So I told him the elephant gave you your shoe back. And he just starts crying immediately. I'm like, what have I done? What have I done? What have I done? For some reason, the prospect of an elephant returning a shoe to my son somehow flipped on in his mind, I think, the idea that the elephant took the shoe in the first place. Oh, and that any time an elephant can steal his things. Yes.

Yeah. As specifically as shoes, which is a scary thing to have stolen, admittedly. Yeah. Your son, I mean, it sounds like he has a very firm belief in man's dominion over animal. Yeah, absolutely. Granted to us by God. Yeah, we taught him that. We read the Bible.

The idea that an elephant can kind of decide what happens to your shoes is, I mean, not only scary, but blasphemous. It really taught me the lesson that I could traumatize my child with anything at any time. Yeah. It's a great day in a man's life. He can destroy his child emotionally. I just told him the elephant gave him back his shoe. Mind blown. Maybe just no more cute stuff, you know?

Yeah. If it seems cute, it's likely to terrify. Should I make everything darker like the new Superman movie? Yeah, you should probably make it grittier. Maybe that was a defining moment in your kid's life and he's going to grow up to be an elephant poacher or something. It'll be killed by Captain Planet. Yeah, it sounds like this was Simon's forced pickle. Yep.

Yeah. Well, anyway, my apologies, future Simon. When Simon gets older, he's going to listen back to the full catalog of my stupid comedy podcast. Well, even if he just listens to one, he'll look at the episode titles. He'll be like, no, no, no. Full Chort. I'm checking this one out. Oh, my God.

That's the title, huh? Yeah. It's got to be. There's no doubt about it. I might say, not to let people in on the sausage making, I say let's not tip the hand. Really? Yeah. You say don't call it full chort.

No. But then how will people- Trojan horse. How will people find it later when they want to listen back to the full chort episode? Because it's the one labeled Trojan horse. Because remember, it's called Trojan horse. Yeah. We call the episode the Trojan horse.

And then Brian Furness, Sonny D is out there and he's literally rubbing his heads together like an evil genius because he's so excited about this scheme you came up with, Jordan. This chorthiding scheme. It's the vanity episode. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I like that.

Okay. Steve, first of all, I want to thank you for coming on our program. Thanks for having me. We've been trying for a while. Second of all, I want to say- I think it was baffling to both of us that you had not been on the show. I've been asked a bunch, but it's literally, I think it's when people have canceled. Yeah.

It's always Jesse calling me like, you want to do our podcast? Yeah. Can you be there in two hours? No. Yes. No. No. be there in two hours? No. Yes. No. No. Steve, no.

It's happened. You've got two and a half, three times. Really? You've never been on before at all? Mm-mm. Wow. It seems weird, doesn't it? Yeah, that seems really weird.

I was confused that you hadn't been to our office. Anyway, I want to say two things. Number one, thank you for coming on the program. Thank you for having me. You're welcome. I'm glad we could make your dreams come true. Those were the two things I wanted to say two things. Number one, thank you for coming on the program. Thank you for having me. You're welcome. I'm glad we could make your dreams come true. Those were the two things I wanted to say because I'm a polite guy. Yeah.

End of the day, I'm a polite man. You really are. Our theme music, Love You by the Free Design, Light in the Attic Records. Our email address, jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Our hashtag on Twitter, hashtag full short, jjgoe. I like reading the hashtag, by the way. It's a lot of fun. You can search by the hashtags.

You can see what people are saying about this week's episode. There's a lot of stuff that's just in Spanish, but I think that's something else. Yeah, I think there's a woman in Denmark who's at JJ Go, whose name is Janine. And Janine will often put things and put JJ Go in it. They may come up. That's why you got to hashtag it. You can't just search for JJ Go. You got to search for hashtag JJ Go, because otherwise you're going to get a bunch of shit about Janine in Denmark. Yeah.

You know, just eating weird salted licorice and shit. Okay. If you want to help us find prior art to help save podcasting, this is very, very important. Go to EFF.org slash save podcasting. EFF.org ideas about podcasting and radio, serial audio, internet distribution technology from before 1997. Go to EFF.org slash save podcasting and click on the link there. There's a great system for submitting those ideas. They will also gladly accept them via email.

Their email address is there. I believe it's podcasting at EFF.org. This absolutely could not be more essential to the future of what we do. Their email address is there. I believe it's podcasting at EFF.org. This absolutely could not be more essential to the future of what we do. Like, we are genuinely under threat of something that could put us out of business in a week. So I really hope people will lend us a hand with that. And also, we have such an amazing lineup. This is like prime BoatParty.biz time.

This is the time when you should be registering for BoatParty.biz. Our numbers are skyrocketing. We have an amazing lineup of musicians, comedians, just tremendous, wonderful folks coming out. Look, I just got an email from Wyatt Cenac. Wyatt Cenac

is in. Hey. It's going to be really tremendous. Go to boatparty.biz You can find more information about it. It's coming up in September, so request those vacation days. You know what I'm talking about? Request them shits. Depend on that time bank. Or just quit. Yeah, quit your job.

Fuck it. Just follow boatparty.biz around on tour like it was fish. Yeah. Like it was dry brisket. Wait, you followed dry brisket around on tour? I did for a while. Like after college, I just wasn't sure what I was doing with my life. Yeah, I was a brisket head.

Yeah? Mm-hmm. You think at dry brisket shows in the lot there's a lot of smoking going on? But yeah, I mean over smoking. Yeah. Yep. If you know what I mean. Yep.

We'll talk to you next time on What Did Jesse Go?