Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 281: Salute Your Chorts with Alex Blagg

Episode Date: July 1, 2013

Alex Blagg joins Jordan and Jesse for a further discussion of FULL CHORT, a tutorial on making an ice cream cake, a story of Jordan's trip to the library and the most terrifying momentous occasion ever.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I've got great news, Jordan. I'm ready to hear it. Jordan, how does it feel to be essentially as popular as Keyboard Cat? Oh, I thought you were going to tell me about Jesus.

Usually when someone starts a sentence with, I've got some good news. I was stoked because I've forgotten some things about Jesus, and I was really hoping you were going to just give me a little crash course, a little refresher. He turned a few fish and loaves into many fish and loaves. Cool. And he taught a man to fish. Man, this is way better than that keyboard cat thing you were getting at. I want to keep hearing more about this.

Here's what I'm actually talking about. I'm talking about Full Chort. Full Chort, which you created on this program last week. With my brain. Is sweeping the internet. Let's introduce our guest. Yeah. You know him as a beloved internet blogger,

tweeter, on-camera personality. He hosts his own app. Is that something? Is that what it's called? John Yelp. Alex Black. Jerry Shazam. Hi, everybody. It's me, Jerry Shazam.

Okay, everybody. It's me, Jerry Shazam. Okay, Jerry. From the app Shazam. Okay, Jerry, Jerry. That's all I got. That is the Culture Clubs. I love you, love you, love you. Check out Shazam. Yeah.

I just made that up. I don't think that's really a song. What about this? I'm feeling hot, hot, hot. That is Caliente. That's all I know. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's all I know.

God damn it. Pretty good, right? Shazam is amazing. Every time. Yeah. No wonder that app's so popular. Yeah. Alex Black, last week on the program, we were discussing difficult to decipher license plates,

and Jordan said, oh, you mean like if it says full short or something like that? Full short. Full short. Yeah. And the response to full short has been absolutely overwhelming. Sure. I am awed by the response to full short. In both camps, positive and confused.

I am in the latter camp. What is full short? It's nonsense, full church we should clarify it would be like it would be the most confusing thing to see on a license plate because it's not real words right full is a real word sure sure I get

it now so you're just saying a willfully ambiguous non phrase phrase got it if you go on Twitter right now. Kind of fun to say. And search for the hashtag fullchort. People are taking this fullchort.

Yeah. This is going absolutely fullchort right now. One of our listeners, I mentioned on the program last week that anyone who actually got a license plate that said full chort on it. And we discussed spelling, I think, either on the air or on the forum. And I decided that in an eight-character state like California, I think F-L-C-H-O-R-T is the best. Or F-U-L-C-h-o-r-t um and uh the great news is joe bluebaugh one of our listeners went full short he went full short he he's applied to the state of california to grant him

a full short license plate he says it takes six to eight weeks. Fantastic. So I will be responsible for flying Joe from wherever it is that he lives, I don't know, here to Los Angeles to attend a taping of Jordan Jesse Go. And he's not the only one. I've heard from a couple of other people who are actively pursuing full-chort license plates. Wow. I'm wondering,

because the story I told about if the DMV thinks it's dirty, you need an explanation. I'm wondering if they have to explain full short and how they did it. We should come up with an explanation. Yeah. Hypothetical. Beloved granduncle.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah, that was- Jack Chort. Yeah, that was their name before Ellis Island changed it. Right. Well, no.

Before Ellis Island, it was Fulimer Chortensky. Sure. Yeah. I want to see. No, let's make it more American. Just full Chort. I want to see full Chort become like a rap song. And then I want somebody to have to say full Chort is tearing up the charts.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I think, Alex, you may have just brought a raft of raft songs down upon us. I would be so happy if that happens. There was a Sound of Young America rap song that a kind gentleman recorded and sent to me. A competent rap song. Jesse, I don't mean to be getting a big head here, but I don't even want it to just be a song. I want it to be a social movement movement that's already a social sweeps

across the young people like like on the street we are the 99 yeah just like occupy people getting chorted up you know what i mean chorted out well i think i think in a way i think in the in the same way that hashtag yolo as popularized by rapper-singer Degrassi star Drake, came from the bottom, which is to say Canadian serialized dramatic television. Did Drake come from the bottom and now we fall short? Drake invented YOLO? I don't think he invented YOLO, but he made YOLO the phenomenon that it became. He may have invented YOLO, but I don't think he invented YOLO. I think he just made it a thing.

In the same way that you invented full chore, and it's our friend Alex Plagg who's bringing it to the table. You're the Drake in this situation. I'm the Drake in every situation. Alex Plagg is a certified social media consultant. That is one facet. This is a guy who knows about Twitter. He knows about LinkedIn. Yeah.

He knows how to goose your SEO. Absolutely. Can you SEO full short for us? Well, I think we need to start by optimizing your key tags on all of your sites, making sure that when you search full short, which sounds like everybody's doing right now. Right. Yeah. Right, yeah. You want to rise to the top. I don't just want, because here's the thing. I want full short to be the next BuzzFeed.

Yeah, it should be. Top five shorts. Top 27 shorts that happened when you shorted. Sure. Yeah. Favorite shorts of the 90s. Favorite shorts of the 90s. Where are these shorts at today?

Yeah. These Nickelodeon shorts. Salute your shorts we got there we did it Jordan we did finally the internet is ours anyway time to fuck it I'm super excited about it I just

want to thank everyone who's made full shorts such a phenomenon not least Sonny D as we were walking out of the studio at the end of last week's program, Sonny D., our producer, turned his computer around to face me. And while he was, I guess, apparently not listening to us produce the show that we pay him to produce, he had designed a full short t-shirt. Just full on in the course of us talking about full short.

He was so inspired. He went full short and made a – I say, remember Salute Your Chorts from earlier? And he made a full short T-shirt, which we – Look, I got on the phone with the people at Topetico. Yeah. It's our merchandising partner. Yeah.

I said, Jeffrey, let's do this. Yes. This is priority one. Yeah. I told him. Jeffrey, look at that glass. Is that glass full chort or half chort? Sure.

What are you going to do? And he put it up. So it's up in the Max Fund store already. That's how fast our turnaround is. Wow. When we're surfing on top of a cultural phenomenon like this. You're a media empire. Will we have a t-shirt worthy catchphrase this episode?

Who knows? Only time will tell. Yeah. In the meantime, go to maxfundstore.com and buy our current t-shirt. Sure. That's how we'll be enriched. We'll plow that money back into full chart marketing. Yeah.

Sure. Exactly. You're definitely going to want to reinvest in the chart, you know. I want to reach influencers. Do you have any ideas about how I can do that? Yeah, absolutely. Can I give you an example? Sure.

Dikembe Mutombo. You can get Dikembe Mutombo in a full chart jersey short combo. Uh-huh. I think you can be onto something. I would also suggest Bo Jackson. Well, I mean, right now he's doing a lot of bow hunting, apparently. If the Bo Jackson 30 for 30

is any indication, which is a very hot activity. I was going to say, what are your feelings, Alex? I don't know if this would help, but I'm thinking street team. A full short street team. I like it. It's like getting out there and just

tagging stuff, IRL, in real life. Yeah, sure. Out on the corner. I'm thinking about influencers that we could reach, and maybe the street team would be a good way to reach those influencers. Mr. Belding. Yeah. Can I suggest that? I know the guy

who wrote Tuesdays with Ma maury so perfect i feel like he could be into the full short phenomenon you know who's it how about this you know who's a jordan jesse go listener who liz gilbert the author of eat pray love there you go and that's not even a joke i mean it's a joke that because you wouldn't think so is This whole thing is a joke. No, no, no. It's not. No, no, no, no. It's a joke because she's an extraordinarily successful author and a great lady. She probably shouldn't waste her time listening to our program. Sure. She does listen, though.

Talk to her about it. Elizabeth, if you're out there, I just want to say one thing. She is out there. I just said that. Hashtag full short. Hashtag let's short this, Liz. Let's do this. It was very kind of you to send me a thoughtfully inscribed copy of your new novel.

But, you know, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Let's chop it up and short it right now. Do you know Dikembe Mutombo? Off of stripper's chits. Well, we'll see. We'll see if the rest of this program. Do you think Liz Gilbert could stuff to give paper tough, though? That would be pretty cool if she could.

That would be really cool. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse. Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, And what makes it even better is that it's now part of the incredible Maximum Fun Network, which is great for me. They sent me a t-shirt, and so far the sex has been incredible. Anyway, you can listen to it on iTunes or by going to MaximumFun.org, the popular website on the internet. Dave Hill's podcasting incident.

It's pretty much just like me making out with your ears or something. Okay, thanks. Bye. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alex Blagg, full short. Let's address the fact that Alex Blagg is here. He's wearing shower shoes. Very dignified.

Swim trunks. Elegant swim trunks. We may have misrepresented what's going on here today to Alex to get him to come. Yeah. Did you, Alex, did Jordan tell you that this was a jacuzzi party? Yeah. I thought there were going to be hot tubs. I thought.

I specifically said, think the grotto at the Playboy Mansion. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Well, I mean. I'm not going to need my beach towel, am I? No. Sonny D's showing his tits. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Well, I mean. I'm not going to need my beach towel, am I? No. Sonny D's showing his tits.

That's true. And there is a little bit of James Caan's cum in here. Oh, good. Perfect. Perfect. That's just coincidental because we rented the studio out to James Caan as a cum receptacle. Have you guys explained that a hundred times on this show? The cum receptacle situation?

Yeah, the James Cahn's cum. We always have to explain it to guests because they see the cum, they recognize it, and they're wondering what the circumstances were. We just say, you know, Craigslist. He put an ad on Craigslist, James Cahn seeks cum receptacle. He's like, that's not a derogatory term for a person yeah i want an actual structure yeah he had this the headline on it was a clean well-lighted place to jizz sorry legendary actor james maybe we should have done with this with your son Scott Kahn. I was going to say his hair, Scott Kahn's hair, seems like James Kahn's cum receptacle.

That's terrible. I'm sorry if you're out there, Jimmy Kahn. That's how it holds so well when he's surfing on Hawaii Five-0. But you are literally wearing swim trunks right now. Yes, I am, Jesse Thorne. I was at a pool party before this, all right? I have a busy life full of all kinds of activities. It was a hot day in Los Angeles today.

It was. That's true. I was eating hot dogs off the grill, swimming in the pool. I had an ice cream cake. Sounds classic. You know what I mean? You ate an entire ice cream cake? Half of it, yes. Wow.

I prepared it. It's fucking great. Hey, can I tell you guys about it? You made the ice cream cake? Would you? Let's talk about this cake. Ice cream cake, to me, doesn't seem like something a layperson could make. I assume.

It is so easy. Tell us. Okay. How do you do it? If the chair would recognize me for a moment. Jesse. I move that we table James Conn's Cum and move on to new business. Yeah.

Specifically, the ice cream cake that Alex Blagg apparently made. James Combs actually figures into the ice cream cake. Hello. Oh, we haven't voted yet. That is just a joke. I was going to do it by unanimous consent, but I appreciate it. Okay. Go ahead, Alex.

I have the floor. Yeah. The chair recognizes Alex Blagg. Wonderful. Well, I decided this morning that it's a hot day. It would be a great day for an ice cream cake. And the way that you do it is you buy a frozen pound cake. Pretty much any grocery store has them.

Like a Sara Lee? Yeah, like a Sara Lee frozen pound cake. And you slice it thin, long ways. All right? So you get these strips of pound cake. You put that in a long pan. Wait, what does long ways mean? You mean horizontally?

Yes, horizontally. OK. So the way you wouldn't normally slice it to serve it. Yeah, against the tallness of the cake. Yes, against the tallness of the cake. So you end up with these long rectangular strips of frozen pound cake. It's a lot easier to slice it while it's still frozen. Then you need to layer on your ice creams and your layers.

Still frozen. Then you need to layer on your ice creams and your layers. So mine was a Ben & Jerry's cinnamon roll ice cream on the bottom layer. Okay. All right. Then some more pound cake. Macadamia nuts. No.

Pecans. Pecans. Candied pecans or standard pecans? Standard pecans. Maybe toasted, I think. Okay. Then sweet cream ice cream, some cinnamon. Two kinds of ice cream.

Yeah, two kinds of ice cream. Huh. Then I chopped up an actual cinnamon roll, layered that, and then I did another layer of the sweet cream ice cream with pecans, cinnamon, and caramel. How do you form this? Because you're, okay, so you put a piece- You're making it a Bundt cake pan, aren't you? Yeah. Well, it's like the same shape as, you're making it in a Bundt cake pan, aren't you? Yeah, well, it's like the same shape as, no, it's not a Bundt cake pan. It's the same shape as the.

I love Bundt cake pans. Why didn't you make it in a Bundt cake pan? The Sara Lee one, because that would be so complicated because you have to cut it in that, like, weird Bundt cake shape. Well, you cut it sort of bicycle spoke style. Right. That would be a very cool innovation. It's a really cool project. A very cool project for a Saturday, for sure.

Do you, like, refreeze it so it, okay. So you get the ice cream soft so you very cool project for a Saturday. Do you like refreeze it? Yes. Okay. So you get the ice cream soft so you can spread it with a spatula. And then once you have it all together, you put it back in the freezer for another hour and then it resets. Sounds delicious. And then it's a beautiful ice cream cake. And do you have to find a pan that's the same size as your Sara Lee? Well, yeah. It's kind of like a pan that you would make banana bread in, you know?

And then I actually had to cut about an inch off the ends of the Sara Lee to make those sheets fit. But it worked beautifully. What was the reception at the— People were astounded. They were blown away, I think, at the quality of my no-holds-barred cinnamon roll, multi-layered ice cream cake. Homemade. I look like a real hero, guys. I bet.

I look like a real star. Can I just, I don't mean to move backwards here, but it seems weird to me that you didn't bring us any ice cream cake. Well, I would have, but it would have melted because it took me a half an hour to get here from the valley. You don't have a freezer in your car? I don't have a freezer in my car. I've thought about it. You should put a freezer in your car? I don't have a freezer in my car. I've thought about it.

You should put a freezer in your car. I should. I got the Prius 4. Car freezer. I think the Prius 5, that has the freezer. Well, the Prius 5 has the kegerator. Yeah. Yeah.

When you say you chopped up a cinnamon roll, did you also bake cinnamon rolls to chop up? No, no, no. Was this just a Pillsbury? No, I actually just went to the grocery store and in the bakery section I bought a cinnamon roll and chopped it up. This may be the most impressive act of no cooking cooking. Exactly. That's the beauty of it. You don't have to cook.

You don't do anything. You're just combining ingredients in a beautiful way. Hmm. Layers. So this is more about like instinct rather than skill. And it's about knowing what flavors to combine. Sure. more about like instinct rather than skill and it's about knowing what flavors to combine i created a a you know holistic cinnamon roll ice cream sure you really created a flavor system yeah exactly did you vision board the flavor system uh no i mean in my mind yes of course you match

profiles yeah absolutely talked about i had a layer crunchy. That's what those pecans were. Synergy. I felt like the sweet cream would balance the cinnamon roll ice cream. What keeps the pecans in there? You just sprinkle them on top of the layer, and then you put another layer of ice cream on top of it. Right, the ice cream kind of pushes into it. Do you have to squish it together like a panini pan? into it.

Do you have to squish it together like a panini pan? No, because the ice cream is soft, when you refreeze it, it kind of takes on a singular consistency. You ever make panini? Yeah. I mean, you know what? I'll throw a sandwich under a pan and flatten her out. Not a big deal. Maybe a little pesto on there.

Yeah, put a little pesto on there. Who the fuck cares, huh? Salami? Why wouldn't I? Yeah, it's the 90s. Yeah, absolutely. One time I went to a party at your house, Alex Blagg. You did?

Yeah, I did. And you were not invited. It was great. It was a great time. Just showed up. It was fucking weird. Well, I heard that shit was going down at Blagg's house. Yeah.

You think I'm not going to fucking be there, dude? Of course you are. You can't keep me alive. He's got the Prius 4, which has the t-shirt cam. Yeah, absolutely. Guys, we should do drive-bys with a t-shirt and a Prius 4. Just like quietly creeping through neighborhoods like on the electric mode. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. The hills of Silver Lake. People would love that. Just that sort of. And you know what should be on those t-shirts? Full. Short. That's one situation to where when you hit an innocent bystander, they're stoked.

Yeah, absolutely. It's not a tragedy that rocks a neighborhood. Well, there's probably a second one. They're like, wait, wait. Oh, cool. Oh, what? Sweet. What?

What's this mean? The headline would read, high school football star enjoys full short t-shirt thanks to drive-by. And then the headline below that is slow news day. Obama's really not up to much, says the thing. Okay, now let's talk about this party I went to. You came to my house. I came to your beautiful home in Venice, California, a beautiful community of profoundly affluent, self-centered hippie types. Where I no longer live. Too bad.

It was a lovely home. It was nice. It was a lovely home. You've become less self-centered, so you've moved away. And less affluent. Less colonics. Less everything. And less affluent.

Less colonics. Less everything. And you had for this party, not only had you and your beautiful wife prepared a variety of foods, delicious foods, the kind of food that you actually want to eat. Not some couscous bullshit. Yeah, none of that bullshit. Absolutely not. Shit with mayonnaise in it. We had like barbecue nachos I think. And you had imported

barbecued meats. Yes. We had barbecue shipped to us from Tennessee. I regularly get entire cases of barbecue sauce sent to me from Gates Barbecue in Kansas City, Missouri because I firmly believe it is the best barbecue sauce in the world. Sorry for giving them a

free ad, but it is. It's really good. And, yeah, food is one of those things that I just – not even in like a precious – like what you're saying, like a precious foodie way. I just – it's like the thing that I like the most and so I will sometimes just be ridiculous about having it sent to me over the internet. You like a Kansas City barbecue sauce? That's a sort of a slightly saltier than it is sweet barbecue sauce. It's more spices. Yeah.

It's like a little sometimes spicier. But yeah, definitely kind of a more complex spice flavor. Not sweet. A little bit vinegary. But still has the kind of thick red barbecue sauce consistency. I like Memphis-style barbecue pork, but sometimes the sauce in Memphis, I think, is too sweet. You're from Memphis, correct? Yeah, I grew up in Memphis, Tennessee.

You think that sauce is too sweet? I think it can be. A lot of people down there, a little heavy-handed with the brown sugar when they're making their barbecue sauce. I like a sweet sauce. I like a sweet sauce. I'll tell you, my dad's from Kansas City. Yeah. I went to Kansas City with him once.

You know, he doesn't have family that lives there anymore, but we went there on like a, you know, this is where I grew up type trip. Like that last episode of Mad Men. Yeah, you got it. And I ate barbecue there and I remember thinking, yeah, I don't like this. Too salty. Yeah. No, that's a valid criticism of that kind of barbecue.

It is very salty. I love salt. I love salt, and I love sugar. Pretty much anything that'll kill me. I love it. Butter. Butter. All that stuff.

Guys, you know what I had the other day for the first time in a while? Speaking of nostalgia and childhood flavors. Went to the baseball game. Got some Cracker Jack. That's what you do, right? Sure. Someone took me out to the ball game. Sure.

Handful one of Cracker Jack. Delicious. Handful two of Cracker Jack. Shattered it, too. A nightmare. The first handful of that was so good. I'm like, I am going to plow through this bag. I'll probably even buy another bag of this.

Well, you've largely, I mean, to be fair, you've largely abandoned refined sugars. Sure. Yeah, and I think that was part of it. Eating a caramel food. Yeah. Yeah. Was it just, I mean, it just, it was, yeah, like – Was it just too sweet? I might as well have like had a mouthful of vinegar, like of – like, yeah, it was really bad. I still like – it's in my house.

I have like a paper clip on the bag, and I feel like I'll eat two a day, and then I can't – like I don't want to just throw it out. It feels weird. And I also want to get the prize. Was it Cracker Jack brand? It was Cracker Jack brand Cracker Jack. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah.

It was a real bummer. I felt like I, you know, have gone over a hump in my life because I can't enjoy an entire bag of Cracker Jack. Can I ask this question? Please. What's your fucking problem, Cracker Jack company? Since when is a fucking two inch by two inch connect the dots puzzle a fucking prize yeah the kind of bullshit that they pass off as a prize in a product defined by its prizes at the how much could it possibly cost yeah to put a parachute man in there? Last time I ate Cracker Jacks, I got a box of Cracker Jacks, and my prize was just a

picture of Thomas Jefferson, and on the other side it said, like, 1789. Just a year. Like, they couldn't even spring for a factoid. Just, here's a year he was around. Thomas Jefferson was alive in this year. Yeah. The problem is the Cracker Jack completists try to get every Jefferson year. Yeah.

Sure. Sure. The hologram Jefferson. Yeah. And he died at 75, you know? So that's a lot of, you got 1789, you got 1790, 1791, 1792. So many years. Should I give you guys some more examples?

I'd love three more. Okay. I can't, you know, honestly, without having it in front of me. No, I know. Yeah. Yeah. You need the buyer's guide. Exactly.

The Beckett. The Beckett. The Beckett. Sure. Thomas Jefferson. Yeah. Or the wizard guide for fantasy Jefferson. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Fantasy Jefferson. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go is brought to you by a darkly hilarious debut novel by Dan Kennedy, American Spirit. Actually, he's here with me today to tell you about it himself. Hi, Jordan. So, yeah, American Spirit is about a 40 something guy named Matthew. And he goes on this vision quest to figure out his life when his life kind of falls apart. And he's pretty depressed, but he does some pretty weird shit because of that to make sense of his life. But he's also a spirited character in the end, and I like to think you get a little snapshot of why America is a really kind of beautiful place in the process.

And there's also a gun, mild hallucinogens. They roll an RV in Yellowstone Park. There's international air travel. There's sex with a gorgeous agent whose clients are polite boys in vampire movies. It's the full package. Dan Kennedy is the host of The Moth Podcast, a great writer and a great friend of our show. So go grab his book today. Thanks, Jordan.

My pleasure. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alex Blagg. You want to have a nickname? Oh, was I supposed to Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alex Blagg. You want to have a nickname? Oh, was I supposed to say something? You can have a nickname.

Come on, this ain't your first rodeo, Blagg. You know, I didn't brainstorm a bunch of nicknames. Okay, Jordan. You're no Steve Agee. That's funny. Steve Agee came with tons of nicknames. Steve Agee was fucking prepared. Next time, why don't you guys say, hey, have a bunch of nicknames.

I don't know. Maybe you could just listen to the program for once. I've listened to the program. I've listened to the program. I've listened to the program. I think I've not listened, I've been listening to this program since like 2004

or something. That's, I mean, that's pretty good. Yeah. It's a lie. Yeah. It's not a lie.

I'm not a completist. I haven't listened to every episode. Do you have the 2004 hologram card? I definitely have my Maximum Fun Beckett. Yeah.

I check different podcast prices from certain years. Sure. I mean, if you have an older MP3, that can fetch a lot at podcast conventions. I've got a Santa Cruz-era Sound of Young America that very much impresses people when I break it out. You know, Alex— You've got track lighting on it. Yeah, yeah. Alex appeared on

The Sound of Young America in the Santa Cruz years. The produced in San Francisco airing in Santa Cruz years. So he's got OG credentials. I was thinking about it this morning actually and I feel like I remember driving down from San Francisco to record our little

bit that we did there and I think I had like a girl with me that was like visiting town. And I was like, I got to go to Santa Cruz to do this like, I guess it was, I don't even know if it was a call to podcast then. Was it a radio show? This may have been pre-podcast

when the first time you came down. But at the time you were doing, you started, just started doing bits on the alternative rock station in San Francisco, Live 105. Madden from Live 105, yeah. You have fun, huh? That is fun. Just fun reminiscences.

You know what I mean? The good old days. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is, Alex, could you and your wife please make me some potato salad? Absolutely. Next topic, Jordan, how are you, sir? I want to check in with you. Jesse, well, here's what I've been up to. I have been on the job search doing a lot of talk show packets.

Oh, sure. This is what you do when a talk show needs a writer. You sit down, you write a bunch of topical jokes, sketches, monologue, guest bits, whatever they need. Mm-hmm. Credits, end credits. Viral phenomena. Viral phenomena. Viral phenomena.

If you're playing the Jimmy Fallon program. Sure, yes. Different 17-year-olds and moms will like. Yeah, different video games Jimmy Fallon could play. Do you do japes? Do you have to put any japes in there? More JPEGs. Yeah, okay.

But for Jimmy Fallon. Sure. So something that I have found really works for this kind of work for me is doing it at the library. Oh. So I'll go down to the library. I feel like if I'm at my house too long, I'll get a lot of like cat distractions. Like I feel like it – like just a lot of general snuggling will kind of cut into my work time. Plus you're free to look at pornography anytime you want when you're home alone.

You know, you joke, but it's actually a factor. No, I mean, I'm joking. But yes, that is a real joke. The reason it's a joke is because of the truth at the center of it. In a situation where you have literally unfettered access to pornography. You have unfettered access to pornography in a library too. Well, that'll come – I'll get to that. Okay.

So yeah. So the library has been great and it's like there's a little – when I need a little break, you take a walk around the library. You check out nonfiction, fiction. Sure. Magazines. Reference. Reference. Sure.

Microfiche. Yeah. Mother Goose's Storytime. Microfilm. Microfilm. Sure. Magazines. Reference. Reference. Sure. Microfiche. Yeah. Mother Goose's Storytime. Microfilm. Yeah. If you're at the library on San Vicente, you check out their photography exhibit, Lesbian Families of the Deep South. Yeah. It's a great photography exhibit.

I recommend it. Sounds like a good exhibit. Yeah. San Vicente. How would you compare it to exhibit? I recommend it. Sounds like a good exhibit. Yeah.

San Vicente. How would you compare it to exhibit? I mean, it didn't help me think of ideas for what to do to my car. Because I did spray paint some lesbians on it. And it's not a Los Angeles underground hip hop legend. Right. Exactly. So I was at this library writing some japes.

And I noticed one of the guys on the computer terminal. This was a, you know, I would say late 30s African-American guy kind of dressed to, like, hang out. What were you talking about, like a sweatsuit? No, just kind of hot weather shorts, t-shirt. Just like swimming trunks. Yeah, like fun hat. Fun hat. Five panel cap.

Just a normal Saturday outfit. This guy was just watching Torkin videos. But not in a thoughtful way. Well, he was at the library. He might have been doing research. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Like this guy, is this guy turned on by these twerking videos or is he researching some sort of twerking documentary, some sort of, you know, one of those books where you embed yourself with a group, you know, maybe that's what this guy. He was doing a packet for a late night show called Twerking. Maybe he was. Maybe we could have been night show called Twerking After Dark. Maybe he was.

Maybe we could have been going in for the same late night show. Twerking, if you don't know, is a popular dance that involves vibrating your butt. Mm-hmm. Anyway, so I work

for about half an hour, get up to do my lap around the library, check in on this guy, still watching Twerking videos. This guy's really twerking it. I was there for two hours. And when I left, he was still watching twerking videos.

This guy was more dedicated to this than I was to writing. Like, he took fewer breaks from this than, like, he was more focused on this than I feel like anything I've been focused on in a long time. You think that if anyone needed a bathroom break. Yeah. I feel like. Probably. No, didn't even get up to go to the bathroom or jerk it in the bathroom. I feel like he woke up one day and was just like, I'm going to watch all the twerking videos on the internet.

And I'm going to go to the library so I can focus on that singular task. Not be distracted with masturbating. Sure. Anything. Sure. The cat. And so he's just going to be there indefinitely until he hits the end of YouTube. Yeah.

He had his Becker twerking video guide. Yeah. It was so weird. I'm like, what is this guy – I mean is this some sort of like autism thing? Like is this a Rain Man thing where he has to watch all the twerking videos how can you watch that for that long that i mean granted he could have been clicking around and just every time i happened to get up were these were these professional videos or or home videos which is to say is it possible yeah that he was enjoying rap videos, the subject matter

of which was twerking? Good question. Thank you. Because it came up because to write this packet that I was doing, I watched this new Miley Cyrus video, which everybody says is super weird. That included some twerking. So I looked over at the guy like, huh? Huh?

I'm, you know. So yeah, I thought about that. It looked like it was just people filming themselves with camera phones. Right. I can't be sure. But anyway, so yeah, I guess what is the explanation?

Why do you watch that for that long? I can imagine watching videos for two hours of people jerking. Sure. Just not to say jerking it. No. Yeah, just jerking. Jerking is a different dance.

Yeah. But it would be less boring to watch for two hours. Yeah. Like by, I would think that at a certain point the shaking butts would induce seizures. Yeah, sure. Like a Pokemon. Like a Pokemon cartoon. Flashing Pokemon cartoon.

Or you just start to get bored and the shaking butt just becomes your reality of being on a boat or something. If you watch it enough, the butt stays still and everything else shakes around it. Like being on a boat maybe kind of where you start to – It's getting your twerk legs. Sure. It's getting your twerk legs. So when he left the library and he would just look at a stationary butt, it would appear to vibrate even though it was not actually vibrating. Right.

Yeah. That is a positive side effect. Sure. Yeah. A non-vibrating butt. And I have a high tolerance for like a butt-related video. Right. Sure.

But, I mean, the stamina. You're a heterosexual gentleman. Sure. Sure. I'll watch a butt. Yeah. Yeah, but, I mean, the stamina was really impressive. And the dedication.

It made me feel like a chump, that I was not as dedicated to my thing as he was to his. Well, you know, some people have what they call a singular vision. You know, it's a passion that they pursue to the end of the earth. I mean, think of Werner Herzog. Sure. I was going to say he's an auteur. Yeah. But his vision is just watching twerking videos.

Do you think he would be willing to work for me as a full-chort consultant? Well, I mean, what qualifies him, I guess, is what I want to know. Number one, he's going full-chort with watching twerking videos. Sure. That's the main thing. Yeah. He can bring that experience to the table, just like that mountain climber who cut off his own leg.

that experience to the table, just like that mountain climber who cut off his own leg, you know, he can go to a lion's club that's interested in going full short, a rotary, a lady lion's club. Sure. And he can say, this is how I took my singular vision, pursued it with astonishing passion, and became the man I am today. You bring up an interesting point because, you know, you're only discussing full short in the context of full short, but what about people that need to go more short? Who are almost there.

This guy could, like, go and, like, change people's lives by pushing them. People who need to build their short. Yeah. They just need more short, and somebody can identify where the short is lacking and then help them build it. Right. I think that's a good job. I mean, that is a good –

Yeah. Number one, consulting is very highly paid work, especially if it's business-related like this is. That's true. Oh, also something that happened at the library was I got some CDs to listen to while I was working. I got like four of them and I checked them out at the desk. Did you bring your disc van?

Yeah, I brought my disc van. You put them on the computer and you can burn them on the hard drive while you're there. On their CD-ROMs? Yeah. And I checked out like four CDs and the lady's like, so no books today? It's pretty shitty, right? That's a real dick move. Yeah.

I feel like I wanted to like, I felt like defensive in that moment. I'm like, hey, I read, okay? Yeah. I feel like I wanted to like – I felt like defensive in that moment. I'm like, hey, I read, OK? Yeah. But no. I just said, yeah, me dumb. Anyway. So yeah. So I think this guy – I guess my only thing about hiring this guy to go around is what I would ask him is what have you produced because of this?

Like what's the end game? I wouldn't want to ask him that. Yeah? You wouldn't? Well, I'd be concerned about what his answer might be. I want to ask this guy everything. I honestly want to know what his life is and why he's doing this and what he's hoping to accomplish. Have you guys ever seen a jerking video?

Uh-uh. How involved is the butt? Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of dudes jerkin'. It's mostly dudes jerkin'. Okay. And they don't have the kind of real estate required in that department. It's a popular form of street dance. Okay.

It's pretty good. Could you watch it for two hours uninterrupted in a library? I might be able to. Okay. I might be able to. It's a lot less sensual. Sure. I mean, I can see that's the appeal of the twerking videos, the sensuality.

Right, but the problem is if your pants get tight, there's nothing you can do about it. That's true. I saw, I mean, I can't believe this just occurred to me. I've not seen a lot of twerking videos, but one of the ones I have seen somebody sent to me was a young lady twerking in a library. What? I swear. I'm not making this up. We've reached the singularity.

The funniest part of the video is it's also kind of like a how-to video. She's like showing people how to twerk, and then she goes to twerking in the library and then it just awkwardly cuts to her and she goes like that. Is she talking to her butt? I don't know who she's talking to, but she does this nice long shush while she's twerking. I wish I could remember more of the video because, you know, it just feels like it would be – Oh, so maybe this is like... Pre-production? Well, I was going to say maybe he's

one of these guys who goes to Jim Morrison's grave. Gotcha, it's like a pilgrimage. Yeah, right, exactly. Or people who want to see the house from A Christmas Story. Right. Or something like that. Maybe this, maybe the library on San Vicente.

It's like going to see the Ghostbusters firehouse. Sure. Exactly. The Seinfeld Diner. We could go all night. Yeah. But yeah, OK. So maybe this is –

The airport from Queens. Basically every – I couldn't even say that whole thing. It made me so happy when I thought of it. When I went to Boston, it seems like every bar says it's the bar from Cheers. Yeah. And it made it really confusing because I would want to go to the bar from Cheers, but it seems like every bar says that it's it. Well, I mean, one of the problems is that the bar from Cheers is a set in Los Angeles.

Right. Yeah, exactly. One of the funniest ones to me is there's a place in Venice that's just like, we're the fish taco place from I Love You Man. And they have all this signage out there. Like the whole world is like, where is that bar from I Love You Man? Isn't that even kind of like a little, not a story point, but don't even they mention like these are the fish tacos. Yeah, but the irony is I think that was a fictional thing in the story like there's not even a place that's known for good fish tacos yeah right they're just making that up because los angeles has good fish tacos but none of the places over sure yeah you don't definitely don't go to the venice boardwalk for

its uh for its food culture especially not its fish right yes for its fresh seafood yeah that is a that is a that is a weird one i've noticed that too yeah um yeah do they i bet they just just put the fish tacos on the menu after yeah i mean i get it for like the first year after that movie came out but it just doesn't i don't know it was a fun movie it was a fun movie i'm nothing against that movie it just a well executed funny film sure no conflict but it also it's a conflict-free movie you're not stressed out at all. But I wouldn't.

It's just you watch them have fun. There's the classic conflict, Man vs. Rush. That's true. That is true, yeah. But I wouldn't call that movie like a timeless classic. You know what I mean? It's not the kind of movie that sticks with you really. Right.

I remember it fondly, but I don't think I will in 10 years be like, I need to rewatch it. I think you probably will. You think so? Yeah, I think in 2020 people are going to be reevaluating. You know, I think, look, 2009, people said, I love you, man, is a charming diversion. Yes. With compelling and funny leads who are also reasonably attractive guys. 2020, I think there's going to be a groundswell.

I think the cult of I Love You Man is building. So you're saying maybe we weren't ready in 2009 as a culture. Well, I think as our culture changes, I mean, if you see something like – I mean, if you see, for example, the NSA data gathering program. Sure. like, I mean, if you see, for example, the NSA data gathering program, and you think about that in the context of what I Love You Man was saying about male-male friendships just four years earlier, five years earlier, I don't know when I Love You Man came out, then I think you can really learn a lot.

If you think about it, think about it in terms of the second term of the president. I Love You Man is our generation's Blade Runner. I think so. Yeah, sure. That's a really good point. I think so. I want to see the endless director's cuts of I Love You Man. There's a lot of different cuts of that.

Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alex Blagg.

You had time. Yeah, just. I just. I think, you know what I think? You're overthinking it. Maybe. Just let something come out. You know what?

We watched the twerking at the library video in the break. I enjoyed it. Me too. Me too. The lady in question, she gets it. She's having a good time. A great time. And as we suspected, the finger to the lips was in response to her ass clapping.

Yeah. Yeah. Confirmed. Shushing her own ass. She certainly wasn't shushing the Dick Francis novel she was reading. No. Odd choice. Oh, and it starts with the little, she does start the video outside the library and she sings a song that goes, twerking at the drop box, twerking at the drop box. twerking at the drop box twerking at the drop box twerking

at the drop box jordan i don't know it's you know more and more twerkers these days are enjoying racetrack based detective fiction it's true from the 1980s okay let's let's take a look up at the jumbotron. First of all, we have a message from our friend Dimitri Portnoy, a longtime booster, a man I have attended baseball games with, although we did not eat Cracker Jack. Probably should have. We were sitting in the all-you-can-eat section. Landon Hughes is an Iraq War veteran who came back with PTSD symptoms, and he's making a comic short film about it. He's also my wonderful sexy boyfriend, and he served under Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I'll tell you, this Landon, I met him.

He was on Judge Sean Hodgman. Sure. Good-looking young man. Seems like an interesting fella. Good-looking young man. I can see what Dimitri sees in him. Okay, after years as a nurse, he's now gone to film school, making his thesis film, and he's funding it on Indiegogo.

You may remember Dimitri and Landon from the Judge John Hodgman case about whether they should hold hands in public. It was a matter of contention between the two of them. You can go to igg.me slash at slash play. Ig.me slash at slash play. To help support Landon's movie, I think it's probably a worthy cause because I like that young man.

Hey, and here's another message for Matt from Lindsay. Happy 30th birthday, Hubs. You are my favorite human being. Hope you enjoyed your first birthday as a San Franciscan. I lerve you so much. Seems like it's intentionally misspelled. I expect the hilarious ridicule that will follow the reading of this message. Love, Wifey.

That's just adorable. That's pretty cute. It's true love. I don't love the pet name Wifey. Makes me feel weird. Yeah. But it's fun for them. Well, what would you prefer?

Dicey. Dicey? Love Dicey. Dicey. Love Dicey. My wife calls me Dick Francis. Here's something for Erin from her sister Kelly and her brother-in-law Dan. Thank you for being a wonderful sister and a fantastic maid of honor. We hope you and your guests have a great time at our wedding. That's nice.

No creepy nickname. No, I like how sweet these messages are. These are fun. Yeah, you guys have the nicest fans. I hope that they feel that it's appropriate that it came in the middle of this profoundly vulgar program. Yeah, I think they're fine with it.

Yeah. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor any of our Maximum Fun podcasts, email Teresa, T-H-E-R-E-S-A at MaximumFun.org. It works. MaxFun fans. Sure. Can you email

wifey at MaximumFun.org? Yeah, get it wifey. Right now, she might now respond to you if you're out for a few hours. Right now, she's at the library twerking. Well, they close early on Saturday. They do. She should be.

They do. She should be home at a decent hour. And, hey, how about this? Time is a-wastin'. The clock is a-tickin'. The days are short to buy your tickets for BoatParty.biz, the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival. As seen in this month's Wired magazine. Now, Jesse, I am, as you know, an avowed fan of the.biz handle.

I know. Have you talked about this at all yet? Why BoatParty.biz? Well, the AtlanticOceanComedyandMusicFestival.org seemed a little long. Yeah, and boring. Doesn't sound like a fun time where I'm going to drink a lot of daiquiris and make some bad decisions. We had a staff meeting in the front room. We were kicking around names. They were all taken.

I said, what about boatparty.biz? Just hit you like a bolt of lightning. It hit me like a fucking bolt of lightning that instead of being made out of electricity, it's made out of a great fucking idea. Wonderful idea. It electrocuted me from my balls to my toes and from my balls to the top of my head. Both directions, it hit me in my balls. And when are the dates on this again? We're looking at September 12th through 16th, including the night in Miami.

We are going to have a party in Miami. Invited guests include Will Smith. Wow. And Gloria Estefan. Good. And Scarface. Miami Sound Machine is not invited. Just Gloria Estefan.

Just Gloria Estefan. We don't want the competition. No. Basically, this party is going to see who can bed Gloria Estefan. What about if the cast of Burn Notice is shooting there? Can they come? Bruce Campbell can come. Okay.

Who else is on the show Burn Notice? Hard to say. I believe Dexter shoots there as well. Oh, Dexter? Sure. Dexter's on Burn Notice? Yeah. I think Dexter can come.

He was great on Six Feet Under. Yeah. We were doing a sketch show at UCB once, and we noticed the audience was very weird, like in it that it would – they would laugh a couple seconds after the joke had been made. And we were all kind of, we all noticed this. And we found out later it was because Dexter was in the front row and everyone was just making sure that Dexter was laughing. And then once he laughed, they would laugh. That's how much respect Dexter commands.

For sure. These guys, they call him the mayor of Hollywood. They call him that, sure. Is that correct? Mayor of the Sunset Strip. The mayor of the Sunset Strip. Definitely mayor of improv comedy. Yeah, Strip. The Mayor of the Sunset Strip. Definitely Mayor of Improv Comedy. Yeah, for sure.

The King of Miami Beach. Right? Dexter! The King of Miami! Anyway, we just added to the lineup a young man named Wyatt Cenac. Hey. Oh, wow. You probably, of course, know Wyatt for his time as a writer on King of the Hill.

And from his several guest appearances on the Flophouse podcast. Nowhere else. There you go. These are the two things that Wyatt's known for. The only ways you would know Wyatt's an act, probably. We have a totally amazing fucking lineup. John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats is going to be there rocking everybody's balls off. Nellie Mackay.

I mean, come on. Have you guys ever seen Nellie Mackay? She's a charmer. She's a delight. She's going to play piano, sing some cute little songs. Where's she from originally? New York City. Yeah.

She's a New Yorker. It's the big apple, Alex. But she's always in a hurry. She is always in a hurry. And she's a little brusque. Sure. It's because she's all business, though. She's an business, though. She's, you know, she's hyper.

She's an engine of commerce. Anyway, go to boatparty.biz and get your tickets because we've only got a couple weeks of ticket sales left. So do it now. Let's make this happen. We've got hundreds of people coming to this fucking thing. It's going to be great. Hundreds.

You know what Wired Magazine said? Might be fun. Wow. You know what Wired Magazine said? Might be fun. Wow. Ringing endorsement. That was the highest. That's that classic Wired Magazine hyperbole you hear so much about. That was the highest rating they gave.

We beat Weezer Cruise, which was in the middle of not fun to might be fun. Well, I would guess that Wired Magazine would be all over the Weezer Cruise. Apparently they're not as good as you, huh? They're all over boatparty.biz, my friend. That's great. Boatparty.biz. We'll be back in just a second. I'll turn it as I go.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, blackbuck, blackbuck. It feels so good. I've been redeemed. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Blackbuck. Cake. Short. Remember when you made that cake? Mm-hmm. I hate horses isn't on the internet anymore, huh? No. Somehow, like, people that took it seriously and complained to Google, Google finally took it down.

In a pre-Edward Snowden violation of privacy and rights. Do you remember I hate horses? It was Alex's blog about how much he hated horses. Yes, it was. Fucking hate horses. And you know what? What's more frustrating is other people since then have popped up with fake horse-hating blogs. Can you believe that?

Oh, no. Can you believe that of all things that you're going to plagiarize? A blog about hating horses? That's some bullshit. I think it's just the internet's ethos is that everything is meant to be reappropriated. Sure, sure. That it's an original idea if you decide to steal it.

I hated horses first. I know. Hey, we know. Thanks a million, Culture Studies. Yeah. Thanks for contributing to the progression of the simulacrum, Alex Blagg. Sorry.

Probably I should go on the Wayback Machine just to look at old archive.org versions of I Hate Horses. You have hard copies though, right? You have like stapled. Yeah, I went into Google Cash and printed out what they had. God, I miss I Hate Horses. Me too. It's my favorite thing in the history of the internet. Yeah.

I Hate Horses, Alex Blags. I think that's a little bit of hyperbole, but I will take it. I like The Onion a lot. Onion's great. That's right up there. And I would say- Library Twerkin. Library Twerkin.

I like the website Zombo.com. Mm-hmm. Just this, website, Zombo.com. Mm-hmm. Just this, hello, Zombo.com. That's funny. That's all it does. Welcome to Zombo.com. Remember when funny things on the internet were actually kind of funny? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you know. Anyway, when something momentous happens to you, we ask that you call us at 206-9844-FUN for our hit smash segment, Momentous Occasions. Let's take a listen to our first call this week. Hi, Jordan and Jesse and guests. I don't know if it's a momentous occasion or a moment of shame, but after dealing with the awful breakup of a five-year relationship. I was walking home drunk from a friend's place, and about five minutes into my walk home,

a man in a truck tried to kidnap me. After he passed me a couple times, he parked his car away from where I could see and got out and tried to corner me and bring me into his truck, and I was able to run away and get into my house. And a week later, I found out the truck with the exact same description tried to kidnap a 13-year-old boy.

So I don't know if this means I'm lucky or I just look 12. Anyway, love the show. Thought you guys should know that. Wow! I know. What part of Canada are you in, sir? I didn't know that kind of stuff went down in Canada. Pretty sure he's in the washroom.

Yeah, sure. Holy moly. Do you think it was Pierre Trudeau? I mean. Former Canadian Prime Minister. It's either him or Rick Moranis. I don't know who else it could be. It's only two

options. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow, yeah. I wonder... To be fair, Martin Short might be in town to host Canada's Got Talent. That's true. I wonder what you do when you kidnap... I'm guessing this guy, you know,

five-year relationship, old enough to drink. I'm sensing mid-twenties. What do you do when you kidnap. I mean, I'm guessing this guy, you know, five-year relationship, old enough to drink. I mean, I'm sensing mid-20s. Yeah. What do you do when you kidnap someone in their mid-20s? And it's a dude in their mid-20s. Right. A grown man. A grown dude.

What do you do when you kidnap a grown man? Sure. Probably going to be a dungeon situation because he's big enough. He's probably going to be able to put up a fight you're gonna have to subdue him in your weird dungeon i get the weird impression that that he like didn't report this yeah i do too i get the weird impression he shouldn't well i mean he said though the dream i had yeah like what that seems that's one of the most horrible things that could ever happen to you sir i mean it sounds. I mean it sounds like this guy at some point was after somebody underage.

But I mean for the safety of the other 25-year-old dudes in your neighborhood, think of them. They're coming back from improv class. They're coming back from bar trivia. That's what I was about to say. I was waiting for you to say your second one so I could say bar trivia. Yeah. Do you have a third one? No. It was pub quiz. Oh, yeah. H second one so I could say it. Bar trivia. Yeah. Do you have a third one?

No. Alex? It was pub quiz. Oh, yeah. Hockey practice? I don't know. Yeah, it's Canada. Okay. Yeah, probably hockey practice.

Sure. So, yeah, I mean, you know, and you want them to be able to walk back from those activities in peace. You owe it to the other dudes in the neighborhood. Do you think he should organize a drunk 25-year-old dude's take back the night situation? Oh, yeah. Like everybody puts on their best hoodie. And then, you know, you go out.

Gets pretty plastered. Gets pretty plastered. Maybe you get. It just kicks the shit out of any trucks they see. I like it. I like it. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I'm sorry, sir. I mean, I hope that you shared this with us because you wanted us to have an inappropriate amount of levity about it. Right. Because this is horrible. Yeah, right? This is the scariest shit I've ever heard in my life. I've been present for shootings. This sounds significantly scarier than that. Is there any chance?

I mean, he did say that he had been drinking a lot. Is there any chance this could have been a miscommunication? I don't know. It could have been a policeman. Something else was going on. Like a polite Canadian policeman who just gave up after he couldn't rally the guy. You're driving. You know, it's late at night.

You're in your truck. Some, you know, young man reeling from a breakup who's had too much to drink is stumbling down the road. You might want to stop and make sure they're like, OK. You can see the broken heart on it. He's wearing it on his sleeve. Sure. Yeah. I mean, that could be.

Yeah. I mean, I do. I do know that Canadian policemen or Mounties. I mean, they not only enforce laws, but they also concern themselves with matters of the heart. If it was truly just a concerned passerby, that would explain how Rick Moranis got himself involved in something like this. You know what I mean? Yeah, totally. Oh, do you think it could have been one of the Barenaked Ladies?

Like the one who had the cocaine problem? Maybe he sees other guys, other young guys who might be having problems with substance abuse. And he wants to kidnap them and sell them for cocaine money. I want to believe the guy from Barenaked Ladies is out in a truck. Just cruising. Cruising, like policing the streets of Canada. Well, I think – I mean I – please don't correct me if I'm wrong, internet. But if I'm remembering my Bare Naked Ladies history okay, the cocaine guy got kicked out of the band.

Maybe he's just grabbing fun-looking guys, teaching them how to play the stand-up bass. If I had a million dollars. Yeah, that's the kidnap note. I have a new theory. That's written in magazine clippings. That's the ransom note. This is a really fun, whimsical ransom note. I have an idea as to who it might be. It's one of the members of the band Moxie Fruvis,

who's not Q host John Gomeshi. What's any of that? Some Canadian stuff. Right now some fucking Canadians are flipping out. They're enjoying this as much as they might enjoy a favorite episode of the Royal Canadian Air Farce. Sure. A Sum 41 concert. They are losing their shit like they were watching Corner Gas right now.

They just leapt three meters in the air. Speaking of Canadians, I don't know if you noticed this on our forum just the other day, but our friend Dave Shumka from Stop Podcasting Yourself, our sister podcast. Real funny guy. Oh, one of the funniest guys. Real funny guy. Real funny guy. I mean, when you're talking about people who might compete with him, you're going to have to go with what?

Graham Clark, basically. You know what, Jesse? Good Twitter, too. Real good Twitter. Very good Twitter. Dave Shumka's a master tweeter. I like Graham Clark's Twitter, too. It's good.

It's a little more slapdash. Fun in different ways. It's distinctly slapdash. No, Dave Shumka's is a carefully crafted Twitter feed. Graham Clark is just a phrase he thought of on the bus. But they are both primo. Yeah, very good. Okay, anyway, my point is Dave Shumka, he gave you 100% permission for Tyrese news.

This week in Tyrese. Oh, true. Oh, if I would have known, I would have thought of some more Tyrese News or like looked up what he was doing. Yeah, you don't just think of it. That's true. Yeah, what I would like Tyrese to be up to. That's not how news works. That would be a nice twist.

That's just things that reporters thought of, right? Do you think that would be a nice twist on the news model? They're looking for a new model in journalism. Theoretical Tyrese News. They're looking for a new model in journalism. Theoretical Tyrese news. What if some of these newspapers that are going out of business, San Francisco Examiner or what have you, what if they just went full on stuff we think Tyrese might be doing? I don't want to be accused of yellow Tyrese journalism. Just the front page says, see-do?

Question mark. Just the front page says, Sea-Doo? Question mark. It just has an artist's vision of what it might be like if Tyrese was riding a Sea-Doo right now. Drunk on a zip line? Canadian kidnapping? Well, how about this? After this segment, before the outro segment, I'll just do a quick internet search for Tyrese Gibson, see what comes up, and we'll get this going.

Fantastic. Let's take our next call. Jordan, Jesse, possible guest. This is Ed from Memphis. I was just listening to your show, and Jordan was talking about the television program Strange Sex. And I recall the moment that happened a few weeks ago where I was actually doing the same thing that Jordan was doing and trying to plow through the Strange Sex catalog. And I got to the episode about genital piercings and the nice couple who enjoy having their junk pierced.

The woman in that relationship was my high school sweetheart, and I have not seen her in 20 years. The first time that I have seen her was on television describing how she enjoyed her longtime boyfriend's staple cock. Well, I mean, it's good to know she's happy. Yeah, right? She looks good. She looks good. She really looks good. She seems like she's really... She's found a place in the world.

That's what's important. At the end of the day, you want your high school girlfriend to have found a place in the world. Sure. You don't want her to be a lost soul. I mean, I would be bummed. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I kind of... I. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I kind of, I may be inferring a lot from his voice, but I mean, it seems like there was a situation where he wanted to get his cock stapled and she wouldn't let him. Yeah, well, I mean.

10 years later. It was a very, 20 years later. It was a very different world in 1993 when it came to high school and high school girlfriends. You had to consider of course they were both members of Young Life Sugar Ray

they were both members of Sugar Ray they were in Sugar Ray and Mark McGrath didn't want anyone showing him up right with a stapled cock

can you imagine just how upset Mark McGrath would be if at the Sugar Ray show just as they're they're climaxing the program with I Just Want to Fly, the hit song from Sugar Ray, just his bassist just took out his stapled cock. Yeah. And his drummer just showed her pierced labia. Yeah.

And they're like, get a load of this shit. And then, boom, no one's paying attention to the chill grooves. Yeah. I don't think anyone would have a problem with it, though. Yeah, that's true. The ideal scenario to see that grooves. Yeah. I don't think anyone would have a problem with it, though. Yeah, that's true. The ideal scenario to see that happen. Yeah. All right.

Second Sugar Ray encore. You don't think they're going to do it. Boom. Fly. Awesome. Check out these pierced wangs. At one of Sugar Ray's annual Burning Man shows, I think we're going to see that. Yeah.

Wouldn't it be awesome if Sugar Ray just did an annual concert on top of an art car driving around Burning Man? God, that would be so awesome. Yeah, I would love it if, like, county fair nostalgia bands are like, we need to get in on this Burning Man scene. This is what Kickstarter's for, right? Yeah. Creative project. My creative project is let's get a fucking— Let's send Incubus to Burning Man.

What's Papa Roach doing anyway yeah right who knows fucking art card yeah something covered in legos i bet there's a little bit of like a i don't know like nobody is like nobody is good at sex in high school. Right. So it must be a bummer to see, oh, my high school girlfriend has become sexually outrageous. When would you have appreciated that more than in high school is if you had a sexually outrageous girlfriend? I mean, I guess I don't mean specifically about piercings because I think anybody – you could take or leave that. Everybody's cock is stapled these days. Sure, right. High school wise. But you got to think if they. Everybody's cock is stapled these days. Sure, right. High school wise. But you got to think if they're into-

One of those sexting things. If they're into genital piercing, they're probably into other cool sex stuff too. Yeah. Yeah. I bet it's a bummer. Talking about SPPs? Yeah. Wait, SSPs?

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just going with it. Talking about the S&P? Yeah, the S&P. The A&W. Talking about the SNL scandal? Yeah.

SNL auditions. ARPs for hostages? Yeah, sure. Yeah, so I bet that is a bummer to see, like, someone who you probably had, like, awkward teen sex with be, like, sexually assured. Just do something sexually amazing? Mm-hmm. Yeah, like suspend yourself by your, you know, pierced clitoris or something. There's this part in the – I just interviewed our friend Nathan Rabin, formerly of the AV Club, now of the new Pitchfork film site that's about to debut.

And Nathan has a book about becoming – going to the Gathering of the Juggalos, becoming a fan of the Insane Clown Posse, and going to fish concerts. And one of the things that happens at the Gathering of the Juggalos is there's a man named Dick Trix who funds his trips to the Gathering of the Juggalos by telling people, well, first of all, he walks around with no pants.

And under, no underpants. And he just walks around and tells people, if you have a bill, I'll put it in my dick. Wow. And not like phone bills. Like, wait, his dick hole? Yeah. Wow.

And he puts the bill in his dick hole. Here's the thing. He puts the bill into his dick hole, and then he offers it back. They're not going to take it back. It's been in his dick hole. Even once. But, you know, dick hole money.

I feel like I've got a mouthful of Cracker Jack. Dick hole money spends just as good as any other money. Sure, yeah. You don't have to tell the guy at Drug Bridge. Yeah, the Drug Bridge, and we're buying some molly. Yeah. Does he do it with ones? He'll do it with ones.

He'll do it with fives. All the bills are the same size, but he's willing to do it with a one. I bet he's super bummed when the guy comes along who's doing it for coins. That guy's shoving pennies up there. Susan B. Anthony Dollars. You've been undersold. Sack of Juias. Sack of Juias.

John F. Kennedy. There's a Canadian guy who's doing it for loonies. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alex Blagg. Text man. I like it. I like text man.

That's not a good one. No, it's good. It's good. It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. Hey, Tyrese News? It's a Tyrese News. It's a Tyrese News.

It's a Tyrese News. It's a Tyrese news. It's a Tyrese news. It's a Tyrese news. It's a Tyrese news. So I did not find any news explicitly about Tyrese. But this is just kind of the first thing that came up when I put Tyrese news into a search engine Bing. Right. So what you're saying is that rather than prepare for this segment, you just type Tyrese into Bing. Yes. And you're reading the first words

that came out of Bing after you typed Tyrese. I'm using Google. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know. You could be using DuckDuckGo. I should be using DuckDuckGo. Apparently, Fast 6,

the movie featuring Tyrese, and Star Trek Into Darkness are the first films this year to pass $200 million at the box office. Wow. Yeah. Well, congratulations to Tyrese Gibson and Benedict Cumberbatch, the kings of the box office.

Right. Here's hoping we'll see those two team up. I think that's what the fans want. Team up? I think that's what the fans want. They want like a beautiful, charismatic male model slash R&B singer to team up with a weird autistic guy. Just kidding. He's not really autistic.

He just plays autistic-y characters. Plays those characters. He's actually quite. But he is beautiful and charismatic. Quite emotive. Oh, okay. When he was on Bullseye. He was emoting. Quite emotive.

Oh, okay. We're going to get emails from the Cumberbitches, by the way. Oh, okay. When he was on Bullseye. He was emoting. Quite emotive. Oh, okay. We're going to get emails from the Cumberbitches, by the way. Oh, boy. That's a legion of women who want to F Cumberbee. Of which I am one. Oh, no! This has all been a sting, a Cumberbitch sting operation. Infiltrate our ranks?

I have an important announcement. We love it when people tweet with the hashtag JJGo. Sure. We love to encourage people to tweet with the hashtag JJGo. For a long time, of course, we had the tweet of the week. You should call them JJGoBrooms. Just kidding. No, you shouldn't.

You probably shouldn't call them that. Carry on. JJGooches. And I want to bring back Tweet of the Week. I think we should. Tweet of the bring back Tweet of the Week. I think we should. Tweet of the Week. Tweet of the Week. This is my pick for Tweet of the Week.

Free t-shirt, by the way, to whoever we pick as Tweet of the Week. It's at AJDS. This young man named Adam lives in the Pacific Northwest, if I'm not mistaken. Fun. We've met him before. Fun. We met this guy before, right? Yeah.

Met him at that bar with the video games in it. Sure. Pinball machines? Yeah. Something like that. Pinball bar. Pin bar. Yeah.

Pin bar of Seattle. Sure. The pin bar at Seattle. It's clear eyes, full short, can't lose. Oh, I like that. Like it. I like that. I like it. I like that. We were talking about fictional football off mic.

Clear Eyes. That goes into that. Full short, can't lose. Brian has chosen a few runners up, so thanks at Intern Around, at Tiny Ninjas, and at Hossify. Good work. Not good enough. Try again next week. Kind of not good enough try again next week kinda not good yeah

I like you know sometimes we'll just pick some shit I think sometimes we should pick a tweet of the week that's just as sincere

you should you should check out Jordan Jesse Go that's nice yeah cause we don't wanna yeah I mean you know

we I think we all love seeing in jokes yeah deep cuts probably doesn't do a lot for the listenership

that's just gonna confuse your friends from high school who follow you on Twitter. And that's the people we're trying to reach here. Your friends from high school would love this show. Even if they're weird and racist. Okay, at AJDS, send an email to Jennifer at MaximumFun.org. Tell her your mailing address and your T-shirt size. Air one size larger if you're halfway in between.

We're talking about a slim-fitting unisex tee. Just got a shrink in the wash. We'll send you a T-shirt. Great. That's how the fuck we do it. We're generous like that. Hey, Blackblog, you want a fucking T-shirt? I'd love T-shirts.

Let's do this. I have a funny story, by the way. Go to maxfunstore.com. I will. I have. funny story, by the way. Go to maxfundstore.com. I will. I have. I will again. But I recently, well, I moved apartments. But I guess apparently, because I donate to some of the shows, too.

And you guys sent some generous gift, as you guys often do. Sure. But I apparently have not updated my address. And so my old apartment is on the west side in Venice and my landlord who still lives in the building recently texted me I haven't heard from him in like two years and he's like you got some mail here

a package do you want to come get it and I'm like no it's a long way a little bit of a haul a little bit of a haul from Los Feliz to Venice so I had him open it and it was from you guys A little bit of a haul. A little bit of a haul from Los Feliz to Venice. So I had him open it. And it was from you guys. And it was.

Seed bombs? Yes. And it was just like trying to explain to him what that was and why I was receiving it was fun. First of all. Maximum fun. I'm an eco-terrorist. Let's start there. I think he legit thought I was like getting weird drugs like shipped from Venezuela to this building. Jesse, that was just to taunt your enemy Captain Planet.

Suck on this, Planet! Now to start poaching. Alex, it's been- Captain Planet only fought like two kinds of guys, like ocean dumpers and poachers. He had to go back and forth each week. Alex, it's been a delight to have you on the program. Jesse, Jordan, it's always a delight to be here. Next time I'm going to come with a very long list of nicknames, I promise.

I think you did good. I will bring my shit tight next time. I think people will enjoy following you on Twitter and on Tumblog. Yeah, absolutely. We're great places. We're real repositories of internet fun, jokes and japes. You do a lot

of great work there. You've got quite the following. Yeah, thank you. So I think they'll enjoy that and you're also a producer on this Chris Hardwick television program coming on Comedy Central.

I think people will enjoy that with our friend Chris Hardwick. Yeah, At Midnight starts in, it's called at, like the at symbol, Midnight starts in the fall. Now, why would you use the at symbol? Well, my idea was the hashtag, but it is a nice clean name.

The show will be on at Midnight and it's following Mr. Stephen Colbert. And then, so just, it's social media-related comedy. Have you considered Spanish language question mark midnight? At midnight. At media noche. Media noche. That's a pretty good idea. Maybe if we can sell the foreign rights. Well, it would be a question, so it would be more like media noche.

Media noche. That's a great note. Call media noche. Media noche. Sí. Sí. Sí. Sí. Medianoche? That's a great note. Con Medianoche? Medianoche? Si. Sol. Si. Si.

Medianoche. Si. A Medianoche. Con Chris Hardwick. That's the limbo song. It's the limbo song. Why would you associate Chris Hardwick with limboing? Because he can go so low.

He can go very low. He can go very low. He's got a great physique, Chris Hardwick. Very nice physique. Really nice. That guy exercises. So many pecs on pecs on pecs. I think that guy does a lot of exercising. Yeah, I think he does.

That's what I think. What do you think? Push-ups? I don't know. I actually don't know how he does anything because he works constantly. I think he probably gets on an elliptical. Yeah. He's probably got a treadmill desk.

Yeah. Yeah. You know? And then he's just got that electro stim. Yeah. Makes your nipples go. Yep. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. At the end of the day, you got a six pack. Yeah. A Tyrese quality six pack. Like 50 Cent. That one video where Eminem and Dr. Dre are building him into the super soldier. You know what I'm talking about? That's Chris Hardwick.

You know, Chris Hardwick sort of reminds you of 50 Cent. All the time. I'm sitting and looking at him. I'm like, you are just like Fitty. Do you think Chris Hardwick will have his own video game? Should. Probably will. Where he'll go into bullet time? I think that happened in the 50 Cent game. He goes into bullet time.

Wait, there was a 50 Cent game? There's two of them. There's a sequel. What? One where he goes to the Middle East and kills terrorists. I think he goes into bullet time. Wow. I'm sorry.

What? Yeah. It's like a Tom Clancy's- It's called like Blood and Sand or something. Not Blood and Sand, but it's called like Blood on the Sand. One question. What is he wearing in the game? I think a wife beater.

I could be wrong. I knew it. Just smoking. Camouflage wife beater. Oh, might be a white beater in camo pants. I don't know specifically. And a do-rag. Is it called 50 Cent Colon Blood on the Sand?

Should we see? Or should we just? Is it available on the Xbox 360? I mean, I hope so. I should hope it's on next-gen consoles. I want to play it. Xbox One? Hold on. Yeah, Xbox One. Here, I'll look up 50... They're going to port it, right? Yeah, they're going to port it.

It'll have some bonus content. Oh, some boner content. Yep. 50 Cent, Blood on the Sand. You're absolutely correct. Look at him. He's so upset. It is called blood on the sand. He's wearing a wife beater and then on top of that his signature bulletproof vest.

I like the idea that the problem with the Middle East is we just haven't sent 50 cent over there yet. Like in this world, he could fix it. He's got to roid rage his way through that shit. Yeah. He's going to use his trademark acid wit on them. Do you think they asked him to be in Def Jam, fight for NY, and he's just like, no, I'm getting my own game. God. Where I kill all the terrorists.

I had Def Jam something before fight for NY. I had the first one. Yeah. And it's really fun to be rappers fighting each other. Sure. I mean, just- Like Mortal Kombat style fighting? Imagine if- And it's really fun to be rappers fighting each other. Sure. I mean, just- It's like Mortal Kombat style fighting? Imagine if-

There's one that's a wrestling game, and then there's one like Tekken. Okay. So they changed the style of it. Yeah, the wrestling is the one that I had. Yeah. Imagine if Fat Mike, that's a guy from NoFX or something, right? Sure, yes. And Gwen Stefani.

Imagine if you could have a game where they fight each other. I mean- That seems really fun, right? Sure, yes. And, you know, Gwen Stefani. Imagine if you could have a game where they fight each other. That seems really fun, right? Yeah, sure. That's what that Def Jam game was to me. Gwen Stefani would be like Chun-Li. She would be, you know, wiry and fast. It would just be people from the 90s fighting. They didn't even have to be consigned to music.

Just anything. Anything. Mr. Belding? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, like, we're joking here, but that would no shit be a giant hit. Jeff Kaluli. Yes. Yes, Jeff Kaluli. Just kneecapping everybody. And who mangled Tonya Harding.

Sorry, Nancy Kerrigan. Nancy Kerrigan, yeah. And Tonya Harding was also in it. I think it would be great. It would be a lot of fun. Mm-hmm. Anyway. Seven from Blossom.

Six. Six of seven she was an android the Prince song seven taking on these are all things that could be in the video game

well we've learned a lot we've laughed a lot it's been a lot of fun thank you Alex Black for joining us on the program thank you for having me hey review the show in iTunes go to your iTunes right now

yeah review that shit that'll be fun let's get a flood of fucking reviews and go to the top of the charts I would even suggest a review Thank you, Alex Black, for joining us on the program. Thank you for having me. Hey, review the show in iTunes. Go to your iTunes right now. Yeah. Review that shit. That'll be fun. Let's get a flood of fucking reviews and go to the top of the charts. I would even suggest a review. Five stars, full shorts. That's all you got to do. All you got to do.

Five stars, full short, can't lose. That's it. Boom. Done. Slogan. We wrote it for you. Hashtag it. Do you think hashtag full shorts is probably going to be part of At Midnight, right?

Absolutely. It'll be trending every part of At Midnight, right? Absolutely. It'll be trending every episode of At Midnight. Right. You're going to put a little graphic, a little chyron at the bottom of the screen that says hashtag full shorts. Absolutely. At Midnight, hashtag full shorts. Did you score the Twitter handle at midnight yet? We did.

Nice. Hardwick picked that bad boy up. Yeah. You know, because Hardwick's got connections. He does. Apparently somebody was squatting on it and Hardwick was just like, was able to wave his magic. Hardwick got me at Bullseye.

Really? Yeah. I sent Hardwick an email. I said, look, I know you're in the secret Twitter club. You're friends with all those mega rich nerds. Can you pull some strings for me? Make it happen. Some guy had booked it but never used it.

Hardwick is part of the Twitter Illuminati. Do you think that – you know how like every commercial and like every TV show has a little hashtag on there to – like most people don't know what Twitter is in the world. Yeah. Right. Do you think grandmas think you can call it on the phone? Yeah. Like if you just push pound? Yeah.

I sure do. Well, I don't want to share this anecdote because it's probably too long we're kind of going out here I'll tell you guys off camera this is fucked up what you're doing come on I'll hear it I'll stick around I'll be here I'll try to be as brief as possible

if you're out of time this is the end of the show thanks for listening maxmodefun.org sunny d on the boards our theme music love you by the free design courtesy of the free. This is the end of the show. Thanks for listening. Thank you so much. Full short. Maximumfun.org. Sonny D on the boards. Our theme music, Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of the Free Design

and Light in the Attic Records. You can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org and call us at 206-984-4FUN. This is like a post-credits thing. Yes. This is where you ask us to join the Avengers.

Bonus content. This is penalty minutes. us to join the Avengers. Bonus content. This is penalty minutes. Yeah. You never know when it's going to end. You're under pressure to make this good now. No, no, go on. Just do it like it was done. Okay.

So I was working for this very high-power lady in show business and also a physically large woman. Streep. Roseanne. Streep. She's a big lady and very kind of powerful producer. And she – It's showbiz fatso. And so it was a few years ago.

She is a firecracker. Ms. Fatso. It's Ms. Fatso. Ms. Fatso. It was a few years ago as Twitter was just becoming a big thing. And a lot of the younger people in the office, such as myself, would be kind of our job. Part of our job was to keep her abreast of stuff that was going on. So Twitter was one thing that people were talking about a lot. And the other thing people were talking about were like the food truck craze that was kind of happening.

And all the crazy, you know, kogi Korean tacos that you could get in these food trucks. And a lot of those taco trucks were on Twitter. And so one day my boss had joined Twitter and her first tweet was just, Andy, where are the tacos? She didn't know how Twitter works. She thought she would just get on there and tweet out where are the, and somebody would tell her where the delicious Korean taco truck was. Wow. She thought it was like a text-based adventure. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. Just type in command. Yeah. I just thought that was the greatest. Are the tacos in the ice cave, or are they in the pirate safe? I'm on Twitter now. Where are the tacos? Just type in bring al pastor.

Bring al pastor. Side of chips. I love that. Well, that was a lot of fun. I hope you enjoyed your bonus segment on this week's Jordan Jesse Go. We'll talk to you next time. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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