Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 282: Celebrity Gossip with Jen Kirkman

Episode Date: July 8, 2013

Jen Kirman joins Jordan and Jesse for an extra long episode! They discuss celebrity sexuality, Jordan's nightmare cab ride, riders for thoughtful fans, and celebrities with pigs for pets.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. So Brian and Katie wrote us this really sweet note, Jordan. Okay.

We got this note in the mail. It is just absolutely sweet. sweet note, Jordan. Okay. We got this note in the mail. It is just absolutely sweet. Is it detailing mistakes I made about which Superman stories are and aren't imaginary? It is, but it has a really nice tone. Okay, sure, sure.

It has a really nice tone. It is nerd nitpicking. There's a fun aside about Superdog. Okay. Crypto. Crypto, excuse me. Please, write me a sweet note about how I confused Crypto and Supero. Excuse me. Please, write me a sweet note about how I confused crypto and Superdog. And they included a really nice, really lovely gift, which was some local Dallas chocolate, which neither of us can eat. Sure.

Oh, but we can feed it to dogs we want to kill. Like crypto? Like crypto. Well, it has to be kryptonite chocolates. Yeah, that's the question. Yeah. Because he only die if he eats green chocolate? Right, exactly.

If he eats yellow chocolate, then he becomes a duplicate? I don't know. Don't correct me. Red chocolate makes him super powerful. Yeah, something like that. I don't really know. You want to introduce our guest? Let's bring our guest to this program.

Do we need to say anything about the note? Did it have any content that? No, it was just a nice note and they sent us the least thoughtful gift that anyone the most slash least thoughtful gift anyone could send us. On the one hand is a beautiful box of chocolate. I'm sure our

producer Sonny D will enjoy it very much. However, that having been said, I'm on record as not being able to eat chocolate, and you're on record as not eating sweets. Sure. We've talked about that on this program on multiple occasions. Yeah. Please send any taunting packages to Maximum Fun care of.

Didn't we? And you know what? Furthermore, I specifically requested, if you're going to send us something, make it pickles. Yeah. We're having a pickle contest. Don't try and start a new contest. You know, I will have a sweet from time to time. I will try one of these.

We'll send Brian home with the rest. But out of graciousness, I'm not going to be, you know. Out of spite, I will not have any of them. Great. Because I'm upset that these people apparently don't care about us at all. Yeah, this is not thoughtful in the least. Our guest on the program is a comedian, a podcaster, an author, a television personality, a beloved Jordan Jessigo guest who has not been on in many years. I should have counted up how many years beforehand, but I'm going to guess four years.

That's probably about right. Yeah. I think four years. And she also has a bronchial infection of some kind. I'm having some post-summer, post-nasal drip. I'm sorry. Jen Kirkman. Hi, Jen.

Hi. Hi. I think it's been three years. Three years? Maybe let's think in terms of pop culture. What song were you really into the last time you came on the show? I know we were in a different studio. If I was blonde, it was three years ago.

I don't remember. I've seen you since. Was I unhappy and 40 pounds heavier? That's how I gauge it. When would that make it? That would have been 2010. So that's three years. It's probably three years ago. Three years ago? Okay.

You know, I remember... Two years and ten months, says Sunny D. Okay. 2010, that's three years ago. I remember, I mean, if we're just going by, I was going to say, I think you were a redhead but had a skin rash. When was that? I was semi-happy. That was 2008. You seemed content, redhead. And hopefully 2015. A little gassy. I remember you being like a smallish, mumbly comedian from Montana who was really into skateboarding. Oh, that's Chris Fairbanks.

Hey, by the way, I get the same way you guys do about the chocolate. Why do we book this lady? He's in my purse. I get that way that you guys get, which is ungrateful when fans do nice things, which is that I go, I haven't eaten meat since I was 13. Right. Why do people keep bringing you jerky, right? Yeah. Omaha steaks.

I've had like at shows people say, you got to try the blah, blah steak at the thing. And it's like if you like me enough to come to a show, maybe you heard some podcast where I mentioned it or it's in my comedy albums. Like the vegetarianism thing comes up in many different mediums. You know what we need? I have an idea for what we need. What should we do? A rider for thoughtful fans. So it's just something that we-

Almost like an Amazon wish list. Exactly. Just something that we send out. We say, look, we like these kind of cold cuts. In your case, you just want a cheese plate. I think the world of Amazon wish lists has been dominated by porn stars for too long. Yeah, that's absolutely true. I think it's time that comedians and podcasters...

Oh, yeah. So they have one up so their fans can buy them stuff? And cam girls. Oh, cam, sure. Isn't that how cam girls make their living? I think we are the comedy equivalent of cam girls. All I really know about cam girls is an upsetting banner ad. Sure.

However, I think cam girls have Amazon wish lists. Either way, I think we should adopt this business model. This is a no-brainer. Sure. When I think about all the stuff I buy from Amazon, I could have put on that wish list and had a thoughtful fan buy me. For example, I recently purchased a reel mower. There you go. A lawnmower?

It's a type of lawnmower. It's made by the reel doll company. So you can fuck this lawnmower. So you have to blow it up. Yeah. Thank you. It's in the shape of a beautiful Japanese woman. It has real human hair.

Oh, my God. That would be great. If you held the human hair and it was like a lady on all fours and she chews up your grass. It's the most sexist, submissive thing you can do. But that's what the real mower does. Or just a wig for a goat. Real goat. Does it go to your house?

That seems like something more than a box. Here's the thing. Someone drive it over? When my son was born, I signed up for Amazon. Here we go. Miracle of life. When my son was born, I signed up. Oh, did it change you? Do you know what real love is?

Three weeks. Let me guess. You haven't slept. I'm sorry. Go on. You know what? If you guys want to say any more stuff about what happens, I know you're an expert. You wrote the book on this topic, Jane Kirkman.

Okay. So three weeks or so after my son was born, I realized it would be impossible for me to ever go to the store again. And so I signed up for, I just decided, screw the economy,

screw local businesses, just up the butt all of those things. Signed up for Amazon Prime. I shop exclusive, I buy grape nuts on Amazon Prime. I feel bad. I don't have an excuse to not use Amazon Prime. Well, I. I buy grape nuts on Amazon Prime. I feel bad. I don't have an excuse to not use Amazon Prime. Well, I mean, you guys just want to watch exclusive content from under the dome.

Here's the thing. Amazon Prime brings me the most important things in my life. Real mowers, grape nuts, Antiques Roadshow. The three pillars, the three legs of the stool that is Jesse Thorne all come via Amazon Prime. Can I say a joke I made about Under the Dome lately or recently? Please do. This was on Twitter and it was not very popular. I want to see what you guys –

Well, let's get those retweets out there. Come on. I said that CBS should promote their new sci-fi show by having Sir Mix-A-Lot record Put Him on the Dome. I don't know that song, but I think that's very funny. He's got a song called Put Him on the Glass. Oh, okay, that's funny. This is about a dome mysteriously

coming over a small town. Right, right. What if a bunch of women came and put him on the dome? Yeah, well, I think it's great. Let's say you lived in that small town. Sure. Let's say Sir Mix-A-Lot comes to visit. You can't get in. No. But you see Sir Mix-A-Lot walking around. Maybe he does a concert loud enough you can hear it through. No. But you see Sir Mix-a-Lot walking around. Maybe he does a concert loud enough you can hear it through the dome.

I think part of the dome, I've only watched two episodes. I think part of the dome is you can't hear through the dome. That's two more than me, Jordan. Yeah. Well, you've got Amazon Prime. Get in there. You can watch director's commentary. That's a really good point. How long has it been on?

I hear about it and see about it, but I don't know if it's current. A couple weeks. It's currently a very highly rated summertime show. Who lives under the dome? Fishman? No, just kind of alternately. Under the dome lives compelling and talented

character actors and some horribly untalented teen actors. So it's got two kinds of people. Anybody from Lost live under the dome? I don't think so, although I don't think I would know minor characters from Lost if I Most people have been on Lost. Yeah. I mean, I guess I would know Hurley if I saw him broken down by the side of the road with

Judd Slattery. You know, I got so excited and screamed out loud when I was at a local bar and restaurant in the Valley. And Ted from Mad Men walked in, and I screamed, Ted! Oh, Ted! Oh, Ted is great. I would love to see Ted. I would love to see him, too. Not that he's not adorable on this show, but he seems to have a larger eye.

In real life, it looks a little smaller, and he was very handsome. But just the one eye in real life. Yeah, the other eye is the size of his head. Yeah. But no, and then he didn't hear me, thank God. Like a Peter Lorre type thing. He didn't hear me, thank God, but I just couldn't believe it. It was just a visceral reaction.

And you just told your friends you were remembering how funny you thought that teddy bear was? I was thinking about the TED Talks. Yeah, yeah. That's a good way to cover. TED Talks are very inspirational, I said, changing the subject. You just got excited because you thought of a great way to spread important ideas. Hey, can I, speaking of thoughtless gifts, thoughtful gifts, excuse me. Well, thoughtful slash thoughtless.

I think the gift we received earlier covers both of them. Yes, I was thoughtful and thoughtless because I didn't know this guy didn't drink. Yeah. Well, Jen was nice enough to bring a podcast refreshment, which is not something a lot of guests do. I'd like to encourage it in the future. Sure. Jen came into the elevator with a cold pack. A thermo-insulated bag.

Yeah. Like that you get at your Whole Foods for your groceries, as you should be doing. Sure. Environmentalists out there. You get it at Whole Foods. I get it at the regular people grocery store. Sorry, I'm not rich like Ted from Mad Men. Oh, yeah.

That guy just goes into Whole Foods and says, give me one of everything. Give me one of everything from the hot bar, he says. Got anything made of hemp seeds? Jen brought us, complete with party cups, some skinny girl margarita. I know I sound like I'm shilling. Shilling? Not shilling. Yeah, shilling.

Yeah, shilling. I'm not, but I'm on vacation. I haven't been in a while, and I'm like, it's a Saturday afternoon. Yeah. I'm going to have a cocktail. To be fair, this is a terrible vacation activity. It kind of is. We're ruining your vacation right now is my concern.

No, it's fine. I went, I was outside today and I'm going to have dinner with a friend later. But you know, I'm like, if I were home, maybe I'd have a vacation cocktail. So then I'm like, well, I'll bring it with me. And then I bring these party cups that I've had for six years, plastic wine glasses that you put together. It's like an oak barrel. You want to age them. Yeah.

Sure. Right. Yeah. You want some of that party cup-ness to, you know. And then I didn't know Jordan was saying he doesn't like sweets, but this is only 37 calories, and I didn't know that you didn't drink, so. I think this is, I mean, this is. But I did give you a fun cup for your sparkling water. I got sparkling water.

We should take a picture. This is a fun cup because not only water. You know what? I got sparkling water. We should take a picture. This is a fun cup because not only is this a sort of crystal stemware type situation, but the beverage goes right down into the stem. Wait, hold it so we can really see the stem.

Oh, it does? Yeah, look at that. See? I think you have to hold it from the top. You'll understand when you see the photo. Yes. Oh, smile again. There we go. It's beautiful. Oh, this is going to hold it from the top. You'll understand when you see the photo. Yes. Oh, smile again. There we go. It's beautiful. Oh, this is going to be great for the website, for the fans. I really appreciate that.

Oh, that's really lovely. That is really nice. I think your son's going to love it when he's older. Go to camgirls.com to see that picture and to see Jesse's wish list. To see him pour it over himself. Yeah, right. Now, I have not had this. Is there a similar product called Skinny Bitch Margarita?

Oh, Skinny Bitch is a book that these two horrible people wrote about just basically not eating. Oh. Do they have a line of margaritas? They might, but Skinny Girl is one of the housewives of New York, which I don't watch the show, but I am aware of things. Oh, because she's an entrepreneur. She's an entrepreneur. Yeah. So maybe there was already skinny bitch because I know she had gotten some trouble.

So maybe that was the trouble. Because I was concerned when you first pulled it out because I had heard the phrase skinny bitch before. I was worried that this was going to make me bitchy on the podcast. No, it won't. It will just make you skinny and girly. Oh, good. Now, I usually put a little ice in it, a little salt around the rim and a lime in it. Yeah. So this is just straight a lime in it. Yeah.

So this is just straight out of the bottle. Okay. But, I mean, I'm no fancy pants over here. You're no fancy. This is like a working class. Well, hold on there. This is a working class bottled margarita. But if you came to my place, I would certainly put ice in it with salt. Sure, dress it up.

Yeah. But I don't know how not fancy you are. I mean, take a look at that stemware. That's true. You are right. It goes into the stem. That's pretty amazing. Or it looks like it does. No, it does because

there's bubbles in my stem right now. Oh, you're right. Now, I will say, Jen, that I have gone on record as saying I do not like the Bud Light Limerita. I don't know if this is a similar product. I think it's a little better. Yeah. This comes in a classy bottle. It doesn't

come in a little Red Bull can like the – Right, right. Yeah. I have a funny story about Bud Light Limerita. Anyway, go ahead. Okay. Well, I'm going to have a taste and then share my thoughts. Okay.

Let's circle back around. You know what? That's nice. It is a similar – it's a similar thing to the Bud Light Limerita. It occupies a similar space in the beverage world. But, yeah, not as sweet. I could see how if this was chilled, it would be pretty refreshing. Yeah, with a little lime and salt, you'd feel like you're drinking a real margarita.

It's really nice. And I'm glad. And there's no alcohol in it, so it's safe for the kids. You could put it right in their bottles. This is nice. And I'm not feeling bitchy at all. No. I think because it's not feeling bitchy at all. No.

I think because it's not skinny bitch, skinny girl. Now, I have a quick, funny Bud Light Limerita story, which I'm not sure if legally I'm allowed to tell. Oh, okay. Well, should we? Okay, how about tell it, call it a Miller Chilada. Is it about the time you got drunk and married your cousin? No. This might even be more scandalous.

Every once in a while, a sponsor will contact the Chelsea Lately Show and say, we don't want to dis-advertise on your show. Which you write for. Yes. We want you guys to make a sketch out of it. So we have a series of crazy commercials we've done. I've done a lot of this type of work. Oh, okay. Yes. So we've done a crazy bunch of commercials.

Sponsored content. Sponsored content. Where the goal of the commercial is that Chewy, Chelsea's Mexican little person sidekick on the show, Chewy will direct a commercial. So it's very meta. It's a commercial within a commercial. And then it always ends up in pandemonium. Brody Stevens always stars in them. That's funny. You just got a big laugh out of us just by mentioning Brody Stevens. We've done three of them.

We've done one for Arby's and Tampax. And it was amazing. So Brody played a cashier who was yelling that it's okay to talk about your period. I mean, it's very funny. People should look it up. Sure. So anyway, I was called on to write the next one. And we did follow the same formula.

Chewy's directing a commercial that ends up going badly. Brody Stevens plays a cashier. It's for this product that we may or may not have mentioned. And I had this feeling because it happened to us once before with another product where some guy that doesn't have a lot of authority was given the go-ahead to contact the show and do original content. And then they didn't run anything by their big boss until we finished it. Yep. And then they didn't run anything by their big boss until we finished it. And their big boss was like, what? We can't have this kind of nonsense representing our product.

But it was a very classy commercial. There was no nudity. It wasn't like making fun of little people. They're just Chewy and Brody doing their thing and some beautiful girls at the end. And so they didn't end up using it. And it was basically because some guy low on the totem pole made a very bad judgment call. And I'm thinking, well, who are the people that buy this product that they have to be so classy that they can't have a little Brody Stevens in their commercial? It seems weird to me.

Here's the thing. Yeah. the brains, the gumption, and the get up and go to climb the corporate ladder to the point where they're big boss of a major national brand, say Coors Light Lemoneritas. Sure. How is it possible that they could not recognize the net, net benefit of adding a Brody Stevens to their brand image. I mean, especially with his show coming out. It's a de facto endorsement. Well, what's so funny is I'm in the grocery store the other night. I'm at a Ralph's.

And this woman just— Again, not to shill, but— Yeah. And this woman drops a big soda on the floor. And it's like—she's like, oh, my God! And she's screaming to her boyfriend. And she's like, Bill, spill it. And they're so drunk and they're sunburned and they're just, they look homeless, but you can tell they're just on a bender.

And they have just a big shopping cart full of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita. I'm like, that's who they didn't want to offend. With a little Brody Stevens and a little pool party at the end. And someone dressed like a strawberry. I mean, God forbid. I did. I did. I was involved in one of these.

I was hired to act in one of these. And it is for a, it was for a men's grooming shaver. Oh, sure. So the script was. The ball tamer. The ball tamer. Yeah, sure. It was for a ball vice.

He's modest. It was for the penis look-a-smaller. It's just when you want to go out at night, but you want to scare women, you put something in your pants. It's a small mirror. Is the penis look-a-smaller? Is that a featherer for your pubes? Is that a pube featherer that buries the penis in a mountain? It has two modes. One is it buries the penis for your pubes? Is that a pube featherer that buries the penis in a mountain? It has two modes.

One is it buries the penis in your pubic hair. And the other is it just actually just grips it and makes it smaller, pushes it up. Pushes it up in. Yeah, pushes it back in. Yeah, and holds it in sort of like those surgical staples after a facelift. Yes. Gotcha. They can be removed.

Yeah, sure. Anyway. Heels around it. The premise of this was that I would be walking around in short shorts, listening to a boombox, and that I had, that the short shorts had a big, like, fake pubic bush sticking out. Sure. Goodness. And then some policemen would chase me down and shave me.

Uh-huh. A fashion police, if you will. Yeah, like a real fashion police. Joan Rivers. Joan Rivers. Joan Rivers, yeah, would chase me down and shave me. Uh-huh. A fashion police, if you will. Yeah, like a real fashion police. Joan Rivers played the police. Yeah, would chase me down. Joan Rivers said Ozzy Osbourne's daughter would shave me down in a scene that I found unusually erotic. But I guess when I had gotten to set,

someone had said that the pubic bush was offensive. But these guys still had to chase me down. So I guess it's like, I'm like, oh, now the premise of the sketch is Jordan's weird looking. Like, it wasn't like. Let's bully him. Let's shave this man. So they chased you down and did what? Made fun of your short shorts?

Yeah. And then there was a part, there was a part where I had to get, I had, the idea was that this bush would get my, this pub big bush would get caught on a bush. But so they just made it to where like I got caught on a – it was – I think it came out funny and high energy but confusing. Right, right. High energy. Just go high energy. Yeah.

When things are about to get confusing, just go high energy. Turn into a real Sabado Higante. Exactly, yes. I was dressed as a baby. I don't know what that reference is. Too smart for me. Oh, no. It's a Spanish language variety television program.

Oh, okay. Similar to like Let's Make a Deal? Oh, not that smart then. Particularly if you don't really speak Spanish, it's funny and high energy but confusing. Oh, God. Okay. I thought it was some like book that everyone was reading this summer. Oh, yeah.

Well, it's also that. The novelization of that television program is what everybody is reading. Just a little update on how I'm feeling about the Skinny Girl Margarita. Yeah. Still enjoying it. Still tasty. I'm not feeling bitchier. I am beginning to see what people like about True Blood.

It's a weird side effect. I'm like, oh, it's supposed to be campy. It's intentionally campy. It might'm like, oh, it's supposed to be campy. It's intentionally campy. Might loosen up a little bit. Sure. Just have some fun with this. I should just have some fun with True Blood, guys.

You know what? Just get down with them Draculas. Werewolves? Fairies? All of them. Wait, there's fairies on True Blood? I'm afraid to watch. I do have a friend that's's on it so sometimes I fast forward and watch his scenes you mean his sex scenes

no no no but I'm always like I love this show and I want to support like a friend but I don't want to I get very afraid of you have a friend and you wonder what he looks like no no no no no no it's nothing like that but I'm saying like how could you hang out with a friend and they talk about their life and what they do and then you just are like I won't

watch what you do right Right. You have to support your friends. That's why I'm watching Under the Dome is because I'm friends with Hank for Breaking Bad. But I don't not watch because I don't like it. I'm just afraid of anything vampire or even fairies I'm afraid of. Don't trust them. Don't trust fairies, really. I don't trust

anything not human. What about a wood nymph? Less trusting. Pixie? Even less than a fairy. One of the pixies or a pixie? Yeah, Frank Black. I don't trust him. I would trust a pixie. No, I just don't like anything. You know why? Because a pixie, a wood nymph, a fairy,

they're not just going to be, they're going to attract werewolves and monsters. They know where, they're almost like, they know where they're at. So if you invite one in your home, it's only a matter of time until there's more drama. It's like, try to have one Harry Krishna come live with you. There's going to be 20 by the end. Then they lay eggs. You only have one spare bedroom

with a Murphy bed that pulls down. I sure do have a spare bedroom with well, it's not a Murphy bed, but it is sort of a – A fold-out. We'll turn it into a bed if you need to. It's like a bed that leans up and looks like a cool leather couch. But then you put the bedding on and all the nice things. And you're like, holy shit, this is a bed now? This is a bed in an adorable office otherwise.

That sounds pretty good. Yeah. With your own bathroom across the hall if anyone ever needs to stay. I mean, I think fairies might be willing to share a bed. I guess your own bathroom across the hall. I mean, you could probably stay. Do you? I mean, I think fairies might be willing to share a bed. They're small. That's the problem. I bet.

I bet. Multiple feet to people who share beds when it's not sexual. Weird. Yeah. Like people who sleep like who have slept in a lot of beds with their cousins. Oh, I don't know about them. I mean, I feel like I mean, maybe this is just because I don't have a close extended family. I'm automatically suspicious of anyone who's like real close their cousin or their cousin has to live with them.

I feel that way about my wife, who I love very much. But it's unnatural, right? I don't understand why she's so close with all these cousins. Oh, I thought you meant that's how you felt about sharing a bed with her. You guys sleep head to foot, right? Now that you're family, it would be weird to share a bed with her. I don't want to share. I do not want to share a bed with her because I do not trust her.

Because you know why? Insect wings. She has insect wings. Oh. I might confess I sleep in my sister's bed sometimes over Christmas when I visit. My wife and her sister share a bed all the time when they're like somebody's visiting somebody. You know, I go out of town and my sister-in-law comes to visit. I find it makes me uncomfortable every time.

Yeah. It's like when family – I want to be clear. Unreasonably. Yeah. But you're not like in there watching them share it. You just know that they're sharing it. Oh, yeah.

They kick me out of the bed but say I have to stay in the room. Oh. I just have to sit in the corner. You have to sit in like a folding chair. I sleep as best as I can. They have an airline seat for you to just sit up in. room. Oh. I just have to sit in the corner. You have to sit in like a folding chair. Sleep as best as I can. They have an airline seat for you to just sit up in. Yeah, well,

but the problem is it's a bulkhead seat. So it does not go back. Can we discuss the plane crash day or is it too current? Well, it's pretty current. There was a plane crash today.

You seem to have a take on it. You're like, let's get into this. Yeah, let's put the old Kirkman spin on it. Let's get into this. Yeah, let's put the old Kirkman spin on it. Let's stop all this comedy talk. Let's get into the tragic news.

Well, the only thing I was thinking about, because I had said it a couple weeks ago. You know, I had only heard a brief allusion to it on the, I heard like halfway through a radio story about it today. It'll be covered by the time people hear this. But Asiana, if that's how you pronounce it, Airlines crashed at San Francisco airport. It was a Boeing 777. Hundreds of people. I think eight

are critically injured and they're in the hospital. So no deaths yet. I don't know how critical critical is. Last I heard there was two deaths. Oh, no way. Oh, how terrible. Well, it was one of those things. Anyway, let's get back to the fun. Yeah, the emergency shoots were released. And I had said to someone a few weeks ago, like, except for the Sully-Sullenberg flight, and I even offered on Twitter for someone to contact me, what happened on that flight?

In other words, because I fly a lot, I'm always in the exit row. Sure. And they're always like, pay attention. Like, now they're not just like, are you ready in case of an emergency? They're like, you have to watch the, the thing.

And I'm like, I've watched this 50 times. I know exactly what to do. But then I'm like, I probably wouldn't in the moment. I'd be like, do I do it now? Or like,

so I'm wondering, do the people in the exit row really eject the shoots? Or is it more like they just have to act like you're going to? And really what happens is they're like sorry can you move i think they help old people sit down on the on the chute oh the emergency exit row people yeah oh okay they make it seem like this now when we go down i'll be up you'll be in charge of this and you'll open the door and then this everyone slides out so that's what i'm always like maybe i really shouldn't sit here because i don't know we will throw this out to the listeners if there's any airplanes listening.

So I was wondering today, did anyone have to do that? Oh, they all went out to shoot. But you're wondering if anyone from the exit row had to handle it. Yeah, who handled it? You have a special concern for people in the exit row. I have a special concern. Like when there's a coup overseas and they say, you know, there's 44 people trapped in the embassy, including two Americans. Yeah.

You want to hear on the news there's been a horrible disaster. And a number of people have had to jump out of an airplane, including four people in exit rows. Yes. In exit rows seating. Can we get a briefing on the exit rows first? Four people with airline status. Four frequent travelers like Jen Kirkman. Who went to Whole Foods probably the day before the flight.

Right. Sure. Let's get to... Three big fans of Ted from Mad Men. I'm with you. I'd be right in that seat too. Ted's great. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la the hosts of a show called Stop Podcasting Yourself right here on the Maximum Fun.org network. We're the first ever Canadian podcast to win a Canadian Comedy Award for Best Podcast. I think we

went with that too early. I think we seem braggy. It's a weekly comedy show, a very easygoing chat between Dave, myself, a guest, and we'll talk about things that we've overheard during the week and also Hulk Hogan. Stop podcasting yourself. Head over to MaximumFun.org to download an episode today. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, back again, Kirkman. Just like tag team.

Sure. The stars behind Wump, there it is. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, you're right. Check it, direct it. I actually heard that song on the radio the other day. No one wants to hear that on the radio, right? Well, when you're driving, I had a rental car for a week. It's not interesting at all.

I just had to put my car in the shop. And even though the car had Sirius, and I have Sirius, it was exciting to listen to the radio in the rental car, even though I couldn't listen to the radio any time. So I just put on 90s on 9 and 80s on 8 and between one of those channels, Wump There

It Is came on. 40s on 4. And 40s on 4. Wump There It Is. And my babies always whoop. Jesse, what was Tag Teams? Upside down and inside out about to show all your folks what it's all about. And my baby's always whoomp. Yeah. Jesse, what was Tag Team's... Upside down and inside, how about you show all your folks what it's all about. That would be fun to get like a 40-sounding band and cover the other Sir Mix-a-Lot great song. Sure.

Baby Got Back? Yes. Or I call it I Like Big Butts, but that is not the proper name. Posse's on Broadway. Is that... No? What was Tag Team's post-whoomp career like? They just had one.

There it is. And then had the decency to retire. There was recently an article about tag team. They are from I want to say Pittsburgh. They're from some

weird place. They clear sixty thousand dollars a year on whoop. There it is. Residuals. That's great. Wow.

It'd be better if it was just one person. Yeah. I have a feeling it was a big team. You have to divide it up amongst the team. And their entourage. I think about how cool it is that we never heard from Lou Bega again. Wait, that's a name I feel like I saw, too.

What does he sing? Mambo No. 5? Oh, a little bit of Monica in my life. But it really stinks for somebody like Lou Bega because Lou Bega is a one-hit wonder. But he didn't write that song. Oh, no. And so that song's a cover. I think maybe he added lyrics to it.

I feel like it was – It's all going to Tim Rice. And so, yeah. Elton John's Collaborate. It's from – Right? It's from the movie The Line. I thought that was Bernie Taupin.

Well, him too. But we're talking about the soundtrack of the movie The Line. You know what, Jen? That would have been a better joke. Oh, I didn't even mean it like that. Yeah. No, but I mean, now that I... You mean aggressively? Let's get a beverage update from Jen.

Okay. Sure. I made a mistake during the commercial. Yeah. I thought I had also a glass of sparkling water. I had a glass of plain water. And I said confidently to Jesse, look what I'm about to do. And I poured the sparkling, what I thought was sparkling water, into my margarita to make a spritz.

But it was flat. But it was flat. I'm like, oh, it's fine. And then I took a sip and it wasn't. So I've just poured it out, put some more margarita in, put some ice and some sparkling crushed ice that they do have available here at the studio. And some sparkling water. Oh, my God. The bottom of Jordan's glass just fell off.

I wish it fell off and then everything came out through the stem. Oh, you know, then I would have to, like, put my head under the stem to drink it. So now I'm, like, an ice cream cone. Yeah. Which I should have brought. But now I'm doing more of a spritz. That's nice. I really like this.

I think this is the perfect vacation drink for you. Yeah, this is, I love think this is the perfect vacation drink for you. Yeah, this is I love that this is my summer vacation. If everyone could see I'm in an enclosed gray booth. Yes, a slightly ratty one. Like, let's be clear. In a strapless summer dress and sandals. Yep.

But I did just come from, you know, running my errands as a lady will do, trying to get some sun on your shoulders. Talking about buying tampons? Yeah, I didn't buy any tampons. I got a spray tan. You'll see if I was here later, it's going to start developing. Wait, does spray tan develop?

It's not instantaneous? You can get something called a bronzer, and it'll show up right away. But those tend to be more streaky looking. You don't need that. No one needs that, right? No. So if you do a normal spray tan, if you were to sit and look at someone for four hours, they would be dark at the end of the four hours.

Oh. You know, last week we had Alex Blagg come here right from a pool party. He was in some very cute little swim trunks. He was in adorable pair of swim trunks. Yeah. I mean, I kind of like this idea of- Well, now that it's summer. Us being kind of a stop on our guest's summer cavorting.

You know, I was summer cavorting earlier today. My wife and I went to a famous restaurant here in Los Angeles, Philippe's Original French Dip. Sure. Had ourselves some French dips. Yeah. I said to my wife, listen, let's go get some huaraches. It's summertime. Not the food, the shoe. And we went over there.

Jesse, you guys eat shoes? No. I'm sorry. What a weird fucking status move, man. My mother. Yeah, we get it. You can eat a shoe. My mother's Soviet era Russian.

Right. So it reminds me of home. Oh, okay. Okay. So it's a comfort thing. Yeah. I also stand in line when I don't have to. Right. So it reminds me of home. Oh, okay. Okay. So it's a comfort thing. Yeah. I also stand in line when I don't have to. Sure.

So we went over to buy- Also, car drives you. We went over to buy some huaraches. I bought a pair. I guess that I don't... I can't picture that. What is it? That's a woven Mexican sandal. Okay.

A leather woven Mexican sandal, a traditional sandal. There's a variety of different types depending on where in Mexico they come from. Is there just somewhere you can get them in your neighborhood? Yes. Like you go to a store. Well, right by Philippe's original French dip is the famous Olvera Street here in Los Angeles. Oh, sure, yeah. Which is a sort of Mexican-themed street.

Sure. It's got a temper, a real hot temper. The theme being that actual Mexican people live there. I don't want people to think it's like a pastiche Disney street. Or is it now? It's half and half. Oh, wow. I mean, on the one hand, it is populated.

The stalls are run by genuine Mexican-Americans. And a significant portion of the patrons are genuine Mexican-Americans. However, it is also a pastiche thing for tourists. Oh, got it. OK. But it's just something that's been there since the 20s. You know what I mean? Got it.

It's always been there. Like our farmer's market. Yeah, exactly. It's very much like the Los Angeles farmer's market. It is that most authentic of Los Angeles things, which is the authentic fake thing. Right, exactly. And so we went to get some huaraches. Got two pairs for my young son.

Did they come with a little side of au jus? No, you're thinking of the French tips. Okay. Was your son with you? That would make the shoes really juicy, though. Did you take your son with you? No, my son was not with me, so we bought two different sizes. We bought the size we thought he was

and we bought one size larger. So you just leave him in the house while you and your wife go shoe shopping and eating? That's how you treat a child? You crack a window. We don't just leave him in the house. You leave him some scissors to play with. We lock the door to his room so he can't get out.

Okay, okay. I don't know about this. He's got toys in there. All right. Just seems mean not to take him out. My mother is visiting. Oh. She was nice enough to watch my young son while my wife and I went out to lunch together.

Date morning. It was a date mid-afternoon. Date afternoon. I thought you said you had sandwiches, but you ate dates? This is confusing. He's never been married. Yeah, I don't know what you do with a woman. Without the dates, the leather is really hard to get down.

Sure. Yeah, that's right. You need it for digestion. You need a medjool date if you want to get the leather. Did you guys feed each other? Yes. Did you dip and then cross arms? Yeah, we did.

We did a nice crossed arm French dip. You know, Philippe's French dip is the legendary home of the French dip. They dip it for you. Oh, really? Pre-dipped. Yeah, it's pre-dipped. You can get it double dipped if you like. That's probably how I would do it.

It's extra juicy. Yeah. Sure. Your concern there is going to be the bread falling apart? Yeah. But it's not that much of a concern if you value juiciness. But I don't eat meat, so I don't even know what I could dip. But I would just say give me some bread. Yeah, you just have to have greasy bread. Maybe you're on the option there. But if I'm putting myself

in the shoes of I like everything, it has to be covered in something. If it's going to be covered a little bit, cover the whole thing. Can I make a recommendation? Get yourself some potato salad. I'll absolutely do that. We were there about a year ago. It was NFL playoff time.

And this group of young ladies and a couple of beefy young gentlemen came into the restaurant wearing NFL jerseys. And you instinctively hid under the table. Not from a particular team. It just said NFL on it. Did I say NFL jerseys. And you instinctively hand under the table. Not from a particular team. It just said NFL on it. Did I say NFL jerseys? I meant referee shirts. Oh, shirt. They were all off

lunch from Foot Locker. Yeah, exactly. So this one woman, this one woman, and they were speaking to each other in loud, dumb tones. Sure.

I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but these people were lunkheads were lunkheads among lunkheads. Of course. Loud dumbs. And it's not about

them liking football. I like football. Oh. It's about it's about women wearing football jerseys as halter tops. That makes me very uncomfortable.

Oh my. Were they cut the sleeves off or something? They cut them they cut them to the midriff. Oh, belly shirt. Yeah.

Fun. Fun. They cut them to the midriff. Oh, belly shirt. Yeah. Fun, fun. They cut them to the midriff, and then there's like a pinning on the side to make the boob more prominent. They're guys girls. They're guys girls. Yeah, they hang out with dudes. They can drink a beer. I was in a beer commercial. National Fun League.

National Fun League. Sure, that's what the F stands for. They walk up to the counter. National Football League. National Funding. Sure, that's what the F stands for. They walk up to the counter. They walk up to the counter and the woman says, one of the women says,

can I try the... And I'm sorry that I'm using this voice. I do it too. It's a real voice. And they were, and this woman really talked like this. I'm not, this is not exaggeration. This is not just how I hear women. This is how... This is not how women talk.

This is how this woman talks. And then your wife said, Jesse, can we go? Yeah. She's more like- I love you. Can you take out the trash? Then your mother-in-law came up. Womp, womp, womp.

She's like a laser gun. Yeah. Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. You don't make enough money. Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. You don't make enough money. Womp, womp. This woman says to the lady at the counter, she says, can I try the potato salad? And so she gives her some potato salad and she puts it in her mouth and then she spits it out on the counter in front of her and goes, Ugh, what is in this? Mayonnaise? I think I'm going to throw up.

Oh my God. Who has to try potato salad? I didn't even know you could. It's like frozen yogurt. That's what potato salad is. That's what holds it together. It's potatoes and mayonnaise. That's what holds it together. She thought it and mayonnaise. That's what holds it together. She thought it was slices of potatoes with a nice balsamic on it. I know, and some tarragon.

What did she think? The white stuff was like marshmallow? She must have thought it was marshmallow. Okay, so long story short, my wife and I had a romantic lunch of French tips. You know, any French lunch is going to be romantic. And then you had to come here. And then we went to get some huaraches. We got two pairs for my young son.

One the size that we think he is and one bigger in case they were too small. And hey, he'll grow into it. And the truth is, we got a boy on the way. Oh, give him the big ones. If we bought one that's too small. He can sleep in them. That'd be cute. He can wear them when he grows into them.

Or use it as a crib. We just got to hang on to them for 18 months. Right. You know what I mean? So that went great. I said to my wife, you want a pair of huaraches? Like, let's do this while we're doing it. No problem. Yeah. She gets them. Now, here's the thing. I wanted huaraches. That's why we went to the huaracheria.

Okay? It turns out... Sounds like you're eating these things, man. I'm sorry. With each new detail, it sounds like you're eating shoes. I want to put salsa on one. Yeah. Not only does this place not sell huaraches above size 10, no huarachero in the whole place is selling shoes above size 10. It is a conspiracy of tiny Latin American persons against the white man.

They call that the Mark Anthony conspiracy. Yes. He's not even Mexican, so don't write in. He's actually from Latin America. All right. He's Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican? Is he Puerto Rican?

I believe he's Puerto Rican. He's Jewish, I think. I think he's Jewish. Ethnically Jewish. Ethnically Jewish. He might just be from Queens. Now that I think about it, I think he's Roman. But it is.

You're not... It was outrageous. A different body type. My son got two pairs. My wife got a pair. The man who went there to get the huaraches, no pairs for me. Thank God his wife had sex with a Mexican gardener

so his son could fit into the shoes. Sure. Hello. Do you also have the same problem when you're buying karate gis? I do. Can't find a gi? You know, when they talk about the white man's burden, this is what they're talking about. Sure.

And it is. I would say I would rather be a non-white person in America. Me too. Because now they're the majority, right?. Me too. Because they have it easier. Because now they're the majority, right? Yeah. What? And they have it easier.

Totally. They can buy as many huaraches as they want. It's easy for them to find geese that are long enough. And they can be president. Oh, boy. They can buy Japanese import clothing brands. They can trick out their cars. Yeah.

You know, granted. They can pretend they're speaking English Yeah. You know, granted. They can pretend they don't speak English to get out of small talk. I'll grant you this. Racism used to exist. But now the real racism is reverse racism against people the size 12 feet who want to buy huaraches. Yeah. I can't threaten women in a comedy club anymore. You know what?

No. I'm sure the same problem. I'm sure that right now, right now, a man in New York City, a white man, is trying to buy some chancletas. What is that? A chunky heel? That's the Caribbean equivalent of a what? Why do you know so much about shoes with fun names? I know so much specifically about mantles.

I love that. I'm a professional menswear blogger. It's my job to know about footwear. Well, maybe you can open up your own or something. I could have. Because this guy could make a million if you helped him and said, listen, buddy, you're missing this whole market here. Yeah.

Tall white men. Tall white men are living amongst you now. Yeah. This is the white man's world, I'll tell him. Listen, while you're a guest in the white man's world. No, I didn't mean any of what I just said except the part where I was really disappointed because I really did. Sure. I really did go there to buy myself some more objects.

I hope not one person listening thought any of that. You'd be surprised. You'd be surprised. I know. I guess I wouldn't. I made a joke on Twitter the other night and people thought it was real. Oh, it's real. I had people explain. Anybody will think anything is real.

I said, fireworks are nice, but at 1776, let's celebrate the Civil War our country won, which wouldn't even make sense that as a country, that didn't even make sense. Right, yeah. And people were like, no, it was this war. Actually, and then I just I got explanations. You should Google the British Isles and what they... Wow. You should Google, somebody told you to

Google the British Isles specifically? And so I kept writing back with him going, I don't even know how to use that. Or you should watch the hit musical 1776. Oh, I would love to. I didn't even know that was a musical. I'd go right now and see that. You know, you should befriend David McCullough. Noted historian David McCullough. Maybe I should.

Does he like musicals? He probably does like musicals. You know what? Get some tickets to 1776 and send him an invite. Just invite a stranger? Just see what he has to say about that. Jen, I feel like you are my window into a cultural world that I wouldn't otherwise know. I wouldn't know anything.

People sitting at home? I wouldn't know anything. I wouldn't know anything about whether Chewy is good at directing commercials if I didn't know you. Yeah. There's a whole world of things. I wouldn't know. You know about celebs. You've always known about celebs.

I have always known about celebs, which is so weird because I don't care. But for my job, we have to read that stuff 24 hours a day. And I think the best part is that everyone I work with doesn't care. But it's like being researchers who are really passionate but aren't really that passionate about. It's not like we're, you know what I mean? I imagine if you want to cure cancer. Because that's exactly what it's like to work for the British Museum. But it's like I do end up getting obsessed with my certain people that i'm like

fascinated okay so i want to know who your certain people are now always lindsey lohan always really i like even you're talking about lilo lilo yeah because i don't like there's certain things like we don't make fun of amanda bines in the show because it's clear now she's mentally ill sure so i have like a snobbery about that when people are mean to her i'm like well now she's sick isn't it but but lindsey lohan not. I think she's an addict, which is a little different. There's a little less forgiveness in that at a certain point

just having friends who've gotten off drugs and drinking. At a certain point, you know what you're doing. You're just clinging. But she's really, really sick. I understand. That's why Chelsea makes so many jokes about the bad choices my dad made in the 70s. She does. I'm so sorry. It's okay. He's in recovery now.

So, you know. Oh, so it's fine. I'll tell her to lay off then. I'll tell her to lay off. But I do. I'm wondering. I mean, I like. I do think she's sick though.

I know this was kind of a thing that people obnoxiously brought up at parties a lot, but only because it was genuinely fascinating, that article about the making of The Canyons. Oh, yeah. As a Lindsay Lohan fan, do you know when that will be available for watching? Oh, no. I'm not a fan of her. I'm just a fan of following her. Sure.

Transferring around through rehab. Do you think you'll take it to the point where you'll watch The Canyons? No, no. It's too depressing. Yeah. That's like a... It's like if Marilyn Monroe hadn't been kind of a good actress. Sure. Watching her movies, I think, would have been like.

Yeah. Is Lindsay Lohan not a good actress? I thought part of her deal was that she was kind of charming and funny. She was 10 years ago, and then she didn't keep up the skills. So I really think now you're just watching. Did you watch The Liz and Dick? I've never seen anything she's ever done in my entire life. Have you seen Mean Girls?

I have not seen Mean Girls, actually. You should watch Mean Girls. Mean Girls is great. That's what I hear. Yeah, that's ever done in my entire life. Have you seen Mean Girls? I have not seen Mean Girls, actually. You should watch Mean Girls. Mean Girls is great. That's what I hear. Yeah, that's like a good movie. And then if you watch Liz and Dick, she looks like an actress who just got there and said, I'm only doing one take, so hurry up and deal with it. Right.

And then there's just these scenes where she's just, it's like, I've seen high school plays acted better. Like, it's unbelievable. So, yeah, I think she's just getting worse and worse. How do you feel about her being fully loaded? Never saw it. I'm not a car person. Yeah. I mean, that is a real Gearheads movie.

I'm not a – yeah. But I don't know. My only celebrity story I have – Adam Carolla had a guest shot. Sure. Wow. That's my Adam Carolla impression. That's pretty good.

That's pretty good. Every once in a while, I still get some – This car is talking. Every time I have a bad joke on Twitter, there's some Adam Carolla impression. That's pretty good. Every once in a while I still get some follow-up. That's Karla's talking. Every time I have a bad joke on Twitter, there's some Adam Carolla follow-up. That's why when people say, just ignore him, I go, you can't. Because I get one of his people like, you just keep proving every day what Adam said. That wasn't funny. I'm like, okay, bye.

You got to go. There's always a little follow-up for his crimes. You know who's nice, though? Super fan, Giovanni. Who's that? He's one of Adam Carolla's most prominent fan. He's always been very nice to us. Oh, good. There's always some crossover with the fans. Since we had a nice email

every couple of years. Yeah. Yeah, like, oh, I've started listening to your show since you were on the Carolla show. I always enjoy it. Keep up the good work. Yeah. Thanks, Superfan Giovanni. No, you know, here's what I'll always remember from us being on Carolla. And granted that Adam Carolla... I almost went on myself. Oh, yeah? He doesn't know that I get annoyed when he says women are funny.el. And granted that Adam Cruel... I almost went on myself. Oh, yeah?

He doesn't know that I get annoyed when he says women are funny. Sure. And I probably wouldn't bring it up. And that's annoying and that's a bad thing to say in public. I think we can all agree that that's not true

and that's a weird opinion to have. Keep that between you and your priest. Well, I truly don't believe... Sure. I truly don't even think he thinks it, but he just has to be careful because there's people that listen to him. Sure.

I don't think he thinks that. I think part of why he says a lot of ridiculous things is because it's his job and he just has to say a lot of he's like andy rooney i mean honestly he's like when kurt cobain died and andy rooney was like these kids deserved it not you're just like well you had to say yeah he comes from that world of drive time radio where you just have to say a lot of things to get people riled up that's part of the show and I think that you know in the world of podcasting you can be a little more considered like I think we are all the time

but yeah I think just for example earlier when I was talking about the Mexican American the white man's world yeah but I mean I'll always remember from us the first time we went on Corolla's show was the week that we had the Penny Arcade guys come on who were very – they were a web comics duo who were very like publicly nasty about us afterwards. And we got a lot of – I think still to this day.

And during. And during. So we got a lot of nasty – And before. You weren't there before. Oh, OK. Also before. So through the – so yeah.

And I think we can still see – we still see little ripples of those fans hating on the show. Yeah, yeah. They'll send me an email calling me a faggot every once in a while. With eight A's. But that was the same week we went on Corolla and I was worried. I'm like, oh, how's this fan base going to react? Right. If this nerdy video game fan base doesn't like us.

But the Corolla people have always been pretty nice. Yeah, that surprised me. I was terrified about going on Corolla for that very reason because I know, let's be honest, Corolla has a lot of fans of all types. Yeah. But he's particularly popular in the moot community. Sure. Some types that may not know there's mayonnaise and potato salad, right?

For instance. Yeah, exactly. And I was terrified. People who will alter a football jersey. Adam Corolla's fans couldn't have had nicer things to say about us. Yeah, they were great. Yeah, exactly. People who will alter a football jersey. Adam Carolla's fans couldn't have had nicer things to say about us. Yeah, they were great. That's cool. And we've been on a couple times.

Every time, people are very nice about it. Yeah. Yeah. Step up your game, video game nerds. Now you're the dicks. They certainly are. Yeah. Well, I do have a little celebrity gossip.

Please. I do want to hear some celebrity gossip. This isn't... This is... I have a very limited life. I work a lot. I stay home a lot. You've got narrow horizons.

We understand. So I don't have that many big encounters. You don't do a lot of backpacking. No. You'll have a spritzer from time to time. But I'm not – I'll have a spritzer. But I'm not at red carpet things. I'm not a –

Sure. A gadabout. I'm not a gadabout and I'm not a – You're not at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. No, I wish. You're not at Tim Rice's Oscar party. At best, you're at the Ladies Home Journal Oscar party. I wish I was even at that.

Yeah. Maybe a lady who subscribes. You're just maybe at like Steve Agee's Oscar party. I might be at Steve Agee's and then at that point I have to go. I bet that's really fun. Yeah, that sounds like a fun Oscar party. He's a fun guy. Oh, really?

He'll show you a picture of his kidney stone. I was so bummed. Gives you a drag off his vaporizer man he had let me know next time that's happening i was so bummed this year that morrissey went to a bunch of uh oscar parties and russell brand is like his uh court jester they're like best friends what yes so there's all the way to your hat america this wasn't he screamed realizing it was totally obvious? This wasn't my celebrity story even, but yes, they're friends, and I had some friends who were at some fancy parties who relayed to me. Morrissey was sitting on a couch draped there like Greta Garbo. Smoking a cigarette out of a cigarette holder. Well, Russell Brand danced for him and entertained him at these kind, really big celebrity parties, which is not the Morrissey I knew, but I was happy to see him.

Sure. And you're a big Morrissey fan. Huge. And I don't enjoy when the people make the jokes that he's depressed because he's very funny and I enjoy that he actually was getting out there. And he's a big old Hollywood kind of person and he loves glamour and celebrity. So it did make sense, but I just had never really heard that before. Then I went to see him play at the Hollywood High School, which was in a wonderful show a couple months ago.

And Russell Brand gave a 15-minute speech about him at the beginning. Wow. And it's coming out as a documentary. It's weird. Sort of a toast? Yeah. He was like, hello, Elliot. And I was like, oh, I hate that they're best friends.

Because if I had known, if you had told me. You would cavort for Morrissey. Yes. If you told me, Jen would cavort for Morrissey. Yes. If you told me, Jen, you're going to become a comedian, which is a very small world of people. And even in that small world, one of them is going to break out and be best friends with Morrissey. I can't believe it's not me. I know Russell Brand is famous and British. So I've got a couple strikes against me and a man.

Sure. But. I guess that's a plus for Morrissey probably. I'm not sure what kind of man is his type. Sure. But, you know, Russell Brand is a very magnetic sexual person. But Morrissey can – from what I understand, Morrissey can divide his cells to reproduce. Yeah.

Is that true? I hope so because I heard he almost died this year. Oh, no. He's like a sea slug. Right. Sure. Oh, I would love it. Maybe it wasn't him.

Well, so Russell Brand – this whole speech, he's like, but then it was like, oh, now I kind of have to like Russell Brand again. Cause he was like, we're all here because he gave something to us when we all felt like losers and people are still in the dark about Morrissey. And I was like, oh, that's lovely. He gets it. He gets it. It's funny that it's funny that that relationship has a kind of leader-sidekick dynamic. Yeah. But Russell Brand is more famous. So it's like there's a less famous guy who has a more famous guy as a sidekick. Yes, that's very interesting.

But Russell knows to be respectful. Sure. I mean, obviously. Yeah. But here's my celebrity gossip. And this is hot off the presses. From my summer vacation. You print up a summer vacation newsletter?

I'm going to start. You have a summer vacation newsletter? I'm going to start. You have a home printing press. I'm going to start based on this wild story I have. You just make counterfeit money that has little stories on it. I went. My car was in the shop for about a week. Sure. I like it.

I like where this is going. So I went into the city. Now I, oh, I shouldn't say where I live. So,. So I went into the city. Now I. Oh, I shouldn't say where I live. So, well, I'm going to say where I live. I live in the valley now. Somewhere in the valley. So hold on.

Wait. You live in the valley. Get out of here. You're off the show. You shouldn't have said that. I know. It was a great lifestyle improvement. You ruined the Kirkman mystique.

Well, I never lived in Silver Lake for people who want to think such things about me. I was in West Hollywood for many years. I can't. I can't talk to you. You, I never lived in Silver Lake for people who want to think such things about me. I was in West Hollywood for many years. I can't talk to you. You've never even lived in Silver Lake? I lived in Echo Park when I first moved here. I lived in Los Feliz, Echo Park, Hollywood, West Hollywood. But I didn't know it was Echo Park. I didn't want to live there.

I was like, this is just like when I lived in Brooklyn. Get me the F out of here. Where is the nice stores? And I moved to West Hollywood. I still can't afford them, but I like to look in the windows. I don't want, get me the F out of here. Where is the nice stores? And I moved to West Hollywood. I still can't afford them, but I like to look in the windows. I don't want to look in the window of someone making a coffee with a handlebar mustache. I never want to see that.

It's offensive. It's offensive. You like a nice store. I like a nice thing. Let me walk by. There's a quilted handbag. You know those stores that aren't open because they're by appointment only? Let me look in those. Sure. Sure. Until they arrest me. So I get in an Uber, which is, you know, the taxi service, which I don't get in taxis because they drive too crazy.

The Uber drives responsibly. Yeah. The last time I was in a taxi, this is because I knew I would be drinking. So I'm like, I'm going to take a taxi. Very responsible drinking. Yeah. I'm just, I'm going to take a taxi. Very responsible drinking. Yeah. I'm just – I like to educate as well as entertain. No, thank you.

Double E. So the guy was this very gruff Eastern European guy. And I was a little bit like – he was not welcoming me into the cab, just kind of glared at me when I got in. And I called this cab ahead of time. So it wasn't like I had flagged him down at an inconvenient time. Yeah. He was he was just kind of glaring and just kind of mean. And like I told him, you know, I told him the bar I was going to, but he wanted like

a cross street like he didn't know the bar, which always like irks me a little bit. I'm like, isn't this your thing? Yeah. But he wanted like a cross street. And as we were driving, you know, wasn't making conversation, no radio on, just silence. Just silence with this glaring guy like gripping the wheel. And then he starts yelling. Like I'm assuming into like his.

Oh, his Bluetooth phone or something. He's like, get me this bitch. Get me this bitch. And I'm like, oh, fuck. What is this guy talking? Like am I going to go? Am I going to go? Am I going to be? Are we going to dispose of a body?

Am I going to have to wait in the car? Are you about to be sold? Yeah, am I going to have to wait in the car collateral style while he goes and holds a pillow over some guy's head and just shoots two shots in it and then walks out? Get me this bitch! And it only occurred to me when we were almost to the bar, he was saying, get me dispatch. Get me dispatch. Oh, not this bitch. Yeah.

I thought it was this bitch. So. But he really wanted them to get him dispatch. And why do you think he wanted that? Probably to murder them. He wanted to get them on the line to tell them he was going to come and put a pillow over their face and just put two slugs in the pillow. Did you ever get the cross street?

Yeah. I mean, it was like Sunset and Western or something. Jen, let's reset for your story. It is a little bit of a bad neighborhood. But it has that bar where that old Russian lady makes you hot dogs. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. The white horse.

Yeah. You're in the back of a limousine. You're enjoying a spritzer. Sure. I'm in my limo. Listening to Morrissey. Driven by Robert Smith of The Cure. He's driving you around. It's such a weird night.

I must have told this on another podcast. That happens a lot. Thanks, Jonathan Katz. So I'm going to pick up another friend, which is irrelevant to the story, but I get in. Makes it more fun. And I put my hand down, and I pick up a Chanel clutch purse. Now, I don't know if that means anything to you, gentlemen.

Oh, it does. But the big Chanel logo, which there's always a logo on things. It may be a less expensive model, but it's still this is a thousand dollars small purse. And I don't know why I go, oh, someone must have left this here that was just in the car before me. And for some reason, I don't know why, instead of just handing it to the guy, I opened it and it was Stacey Keebler's license. Who was that, you might ask? She's one of the elves.

She invented EL fudge. I would never know who she is except for she is George Clooney's most recent girlfriend. One of the only ones to have made it past his two-year cut-off mark, usually. Wait, he has like two-year cutoff mark usually. Wait, he has a two-year cutoff mark?

He's like a serial monogamous. So he always has like – he meets the cocktail waitress. They last about a year and a half. They make a mistake all the time of saying something in an Us Weekly like, yeah, I mean not right now but someday I'd love marriage and kids. Boom. They're out. I mean it's almost funny. It's actually happened like three times.

You got to mind your P's and Q's around Clooney. You can't just go shooting your mouth off. You can't just be saying, because he doesn't want to marriage your kids. So if he even thinks you do, he's going to read that to us weekly, as he does every Friday. And he's, right. Well, he reads it on the plane. He just needs something to zone out to. He just wants to fuck, and he wants a pig to go home to.

Sure. That's awful. He had a pig. Oh, right. That's not a derogatory term about a woman. No, I thought I was like, but wait, that doesn't even make sense. Right, like I thought some pig was something. No, he owned a pig for many years that slept in his bed.

But I think he'll romance you. I think it's not. Sure. I think it's monogamous. I think it's nice. Hey, romance you. Just being next to Clooney. Is romantic.

You could be next to Clooney in a pachinko parlor while he's playing pachinko. Sure. Ball after ball after ball in a room full of Japanese businessmen smoking cigarettes and you would feel like you were being romanced by George Clooney.

That's true. He's got that way. That's just George Clooney, right? Well, this is why the Stacey lady is the envy of every lady. Sure. Because she's lasted longer than most. She had her own career before that, which I think is important.

Making peace in a hollow tree. This other lady, this girlfriend before this was like – She invented O'Boysies. She put fudge on – this girlfriend before him – She's the first one to put fudge on cookies. She was. She was like, these are boring. The girl before him, before her, was like an Italian news leader.

Whatever. Who cares? Anyway, Stacey Keebler. I like that in other countries, like, the lady news reporter is the hottest one in the country. Oh, and she is. Yeah. Well, she might not be the hottest one in that country, but she's hotter than anything, than anyone who's ever lived in America. Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa.

I was going to say. Took up with a lady news reporter, didn't he? From Telemundo, yeah. Oh, Telemundo might be a little more attractive than Archie's. This was like an Angelina Jolie type of, just a stunning, like not made from human cloth. Sure. So then Stacey Kuehler opened it. I go, oh.

Yeah, like news reporters in America are like your mom's weird friend. Yeah, they're like, hi, tonight there was a crash on the 94. And you're just like, ugh. Not that all women talk like that, but this woman in the end is describing it. Yeah, they're reading the news in cutoff football jerseys. And in recent news, potato salad had some weird thing on it. Oh, my God. Is it mayonnaise?

What is this pickle made out of? Got a commercial. Got a commercial. So I said to him. What's this water made out of? Oxygen and nitrogen? Isn't it crazy that now water says zero calories on it? Have you noticed that on water bottles?

It's terrible. I think it's to remind people how many calories soda has. It's to like say, hey. Oh, it's an anti-soda thing. Okay. This is what you should be drinking. As long as it's not a dumbing down thing. I'll go with that.

Yeah. So I opened the purse. I said, Stacy Kielberg. I goes, oh, give that to me. And I handed it back to him. Now, what you guys don't know is that I live in the neighborhood of George Clooney. Not because I'm fancy, but because. He's a man of the people.

Well, just because in New York and L.A., you could have an apartment complex next to a mansion. It's just how it is. I'm not totally. I'm a few miles. That's how it works in the kind of sophisticated big cities that Jen Kirkman traverses via car service. You, the little people listening, probably have to pause, think about it.

You're like, who's the richest person in Des Moines? You're thinking right now, would they live next to me? No, I live on the wrong side of the tracks. I could barely afford an iPod Touch. Much less an iPhone. Let me justify. I'm only the wrong side of the tracks. I could barely afford an iPod Touch. Now, well, let me— Much less an iPhone.

Let me justify. I'm only pretending I live near George Clooney so that if people can easily Google him, they think that's where I am and throw him off the scent of where I live. But he's within a few miles. We should explain you live down by the docks. I live down by the docks. In a shipping container. In Van Nuys. But I was just wondering.

Famous Van Nuys seaport. They're redoing the wharf. It's going to be beautiful. Sure. Ferris wheel. By next summer. This just made my mind wander because I know an Uber is appropriate for myself. Sure.

But I'm not dating George Clooney, a very private man, a very wealthy man. Why is she in an Uber? Was George with her? Why doesn't he have a private driver? Now, if he was with her, then it's like, that's cool. He doesn't have a private driver. He's like one of the people. Sure.

If he does have a private driver, why can't she use that? Why does he treat her like this? If I'm George Clooney, you know who I'd hire to be my driver? Morgan Freeman. To spend some wisdom while he's driving you around. Because, you know, this is an even bigger bombshell. And I'm not allowed to talk about it on Chelsea Lately because the only place that's reported it is the National Enquirer. And we can't use that as our only news source. He's dating his step-granddaughter.

Morgan Freeman? Yes. It's like Woody Allen but with granddaughter. He's literally dating her. They've been together for a long time. That's very weird. I feel like any time you get a little nugget about Morgan Freeman's private life, it's always like,

well, that's weird. It's too much. Best not to look into this. Why don't you show me another picture of him on Sesame, The Learning Company in the 70s?

Sure. Is that what it was called? What was he on? He was on one of those shows. Please don't say you don't know the name of Sesame Street. No, not Sesame Street.

It wasn't Sesame Street. It was the electric company? The electric company, yeah. Sesame, The Learning Company. The two twin disappointments of Morgan Freeman are hearing anything about his personal life, which is weird, or seeing a picture of him with his earring in. I was about to say his commitment to his earring. I don't want to hear about his personal life or see him with that earring. What's his earring?

He's just got a weird male earring. Weird to see a 75-year-old man. Is it a gold stud or a tiny hoop? I think it's a little diamond. It's a little diamond. A little diamond is sweet. That is kind of sweet. It just shows like, you know what?

I've got it together. I've got enough money to throw into this. I'd like to see him with sharpened teeth. Sure. Like a Mayan. Yeah. Well, who knows? But anyway, I'm just worried about Stacey.

Yeah. Does it mean it's on the... Maybe she wasn't even with him. I'm assuming because whatever. Do you think maybe a pickpocket had stolen her clutch and then tried to make a getaway in the cab and ditched it? Oh, man, they're so stupid. You can't fit a clutch in a pocket.

I'm sorry. I'm pretty stupid, guys. What if she was wearing a hoodie? Is that big kangaroo pocket on her front? That's what I meant. Oh, okay, yeah. I mean, unless he's out of town right now and she's just going out with some girlfriends like I was. Yeah.

Maybe Uber. It might be like a Prince and the Pauper thing where she gets in disguise, just wants to go out to the Cabo Cantina. But no one would know who she was. But the driver, the way he snatched that right back, it made me think George had been in the car and he was going to drive right back to his house after he dropped me off. I don't know. I mean, it's a mystery. I'm putting it out there. Do you think you caught a ride with George Clooney's driver and he moonlights when he

knows Clooney's going to be busy? Maybe. Like when Clooney's got to slop the pigs or... Sure. No, you... But that one you did mean wash the unwashed cocktail waitresses he dates. Yeah. No.

I meant feed his pet pigs. Yeah. I don't think he even has pet pigs anymore, but Iress as he dates. No. Feed his pet pigs. I don't think he even has pet pigs anymore, but I sure wish he did. I think my friend says something very funny the other day. She goes, my friend Fortune Feimster, who I also work with,

who's a very funny lady, she goes, I hate when rich people pretend to be farmers. It's like the funniest thing. It's such a true thing. Eventually you get to this point where you have your penthouse in the city, but then you have a farm somewhere.

You're like, there's horses and goats. But you're not doing anything with them. I guess I'm reminded of Val Kilmer's buffaloes. What? Val Kilmer has buffaloes? Yeah. It's a famous Chuck Klosterman article about him going to visit Val Kilmer in like Montana or Arizona or somewhere. And I guess Val Kilmer has this herd of buffaloes, which looks sick.

And what is he... Do they roam on a range? I think they just hang out in a pen. Does he think he's the character he was in The Doors? In that sense, like, I'm this kind of dirty hippie... Yeah, I think that's kind of part of it. He sleeps in a bathtub. It's part of that whole celebrity farmer thing.

Well, Luke Perry had a pet pig, and he used to take it to a bar in Los Angeles. I don't know the name. It had an Irish name. They just redid it. It's near Wilshire. Tom Bergens? Yes.

And he used to sit at the bar. Aren't they closing down Tom Bergens for good? No, they redid it. Oh. They reopened it. Oh, okay. A friend of mine told me. I don't know.

But he would sit at the bar with his pig or his pig would be tied up outside. So he had committed to his pig. You know what? That's the kind of stuff that celebrities should be doing. If you have the privilege of being a young celebrity in Hollywood, you either bring a pig to a bar, you pull a Kelsey Grammer and you walk a puma on a chain

on the beach. What? How are you going to say pull a Kelsey Grammer and run over someone with your car? Wait, he walked a puma on the beach. What? Does he do that? What? I thought you were going to say pull a Kelsey Grammer and run over someone with your car. Wait, he walked a puma on the beach? I believe so. Yeah. That may be apocryphal.

He is out of his mind. But I want it to be true. I heard he helicoptered into the set of Frasier every day from Malibu. I believe that's true. If there's an old Vandals album,

I think it's Peace Through Vandalism. Might be When in Rome Do as the Vandals Do. I don't know. One of those two. old Vandals album, I think it's Peace Through Vandalism. Might be When in Rome Do as the Vandals Do. I don't know. One of those two. Early Vandals album. Original lineup. Where Kelsey Grammer weirdly gives an introduction to one of the songs.

What? And I think the legend is that he bought cocaine from the Vandals manager. So he blackmailed him into doing the intro to one of their songs. Oh. That's interesting that he would want. Oh, the manager blackmailed him into it. Got it. Anyway.

So did you see anything cool in this Stacey lady's purse? No, he snatched it right out of my hand. But she only had- Extra large tampons. No. What? Clooney only likes women with the hugest of vaginas. No, but she only had four.

It was a license and $4. There was no cell phone. There was no lipstick. Wow. Hmm. Yeah. No, but she only had four. It was a license and $4. There was no cell phone. There was no lipstick. Wow. Hmm. Yeah. So that's what I'm thinking.

Maybe she was with George and she's like, put your phone, put my phone in your pocket, hold my lipstick. And she was drunk. But it was still light out when I got in this car. I mean, I don't know if her night was over. Yeah. Listen, and I don't know if she has a voice. Maybe she was visiting him on the set. What set?

Ocean's 14. Sports center? I don't know. Ocean's 14. Sports center? I don't know. It's a mystery. It can't be sports center. That's in Connecticut. It gets people thinking.

Solaris 2. I don't know. What's Clooney filming? It just gets people thinking. Outer of sight. And I know everyone's going to say he's gay and their hairdresser told them they know someone. I know 50 people who've said they know someone who knows someone who knows someone. Yeah.

I've had guys even say that Clooney hit on them. Here's what I think. I think what they're saying is that they would be gay with Clooney. Here's the other thing. I got a boner thinking about George Clooney, so he's probably giving off some gay vapor. Right, and I think guys think they're being hit on, but it's just that he's so overwhelming. It's just that he's George fucking Clooney. Yeah.

He's got sex coming out of his nostrils. Right. Jen, I know what that feeling is like. Tyrese said hi to me on the street the other day. So I know what it's like to have gay vapor shot at you from one of the world's most beautiful men. What did you say? I said, hey, thanks. He also told me I was looking good.

Oh, because I was like, if someone just says hi and you're like, thanks. Yeah. He said, hey, my man, looking good. That's a great feeling. Boy, it was great. I'm wondering if that's the same for men. Because when I would walk down the street, when I used to live in West Hollywood, the gay men would walk by. Great hat, honey.

Oh, you're looking good. It was just so happy. It was so happy. But if a straight guy said that, I'd be like, hey, you're fucking creepy. Sure. Don't look at my hat. But I'm wondering if it's a guy, if a gay guy says that. You're like, hey at my hat what if i what but i'm wondering if there's a guy of a gay guy you're like hey my hat's up here what if a gay guy said it who reads this potentially as being

straight i can always tell there's a vibe you get that's like it's just an instinctual woman thing where you're like you can feel it whether they want to bone you or not yeah you can feel it it's a wonderful feeling when they don't but But not that every straight guy does. But if a straight guy bothered to compliment you, he would not do it like that. Because if you didn't say anything right away, he would immediately get angry. He would take his dick out first. No, that's a nice thing to do. You look really beautiful today.

Just want to let you know what it looks like in case you have certain requirements. Right. You know, it's not great. That's a leftover pleasantry from the Victorian times. I tucked it up a little bit. If you'd prefer that I feathered my pubes, I don't need to do that anymore. I do have a theory about Clooney, though, if he has slept with men. I have a thought, too.

Go. You go first. Well, it's almost the rich farmer thing. I can get anyone I want my life. Every wildest dream is fulfilled. I'm just so bored. Someone stick something new in me or let me put something somewhere. Yes, exactly. Sure. Howard Hughes.

Why not just put this there and see how that goes? I think so too. Is that your theory too? That's basically exactly it. Oh, sorry. No, no, that's fine. Great minds, right? Exactly. Great minds think George Clooney takes it up the butt out of boredom is the old saying.

Or gives or just watches or whatever they do. I think when you become one of those, you know, one of the 30 most famous people in the world, we can't – that's a different sexuality. Like there's gay, there's straight, there's all – there's the continuum of human sexuality. They're not normal like us. Kinsey's continuum. And then there's Leonardo DiCaprio. Right. And I think they just do whatever. He's not old enough yet to start doing gay guys.

I think if – here's my theory is if you are a George Clooney – we're all on the Kinsey scale whether you're 1 or 10. Sure. And like I think of myself as a very straight guy. I don't find myself looking at dudes and thinking sexual thoughts about them. Right. But if I was George Clooney, I might be talking at a party to a guy who was interested in me and looked like a young Leonardo DiCaprio on a regular basis. Right.

And so if that happened once, I think the odds that I would gay out with him are low. But if it happened ten times, which I'm sure it does to George Clooney, one out of ten, if a spectacularly beautiful man is talking to me and he wants to put in my butt or whatever, it would just happen. That's just how the numbers break down. It's almost easier to do it than to keep pushing it away. It's a numbers game. The truth is, even if you're one out of ten, you know, ten Leonardo DiCaprios chat you up. The tenth one, maybe the seventh one. Just saying.

I think, yeah. Yeah, I'll suck that dick. See how it goes. I think, yeah. I think, yeah. Yeah, I'll check that, Dick. It's like a subway card. See how it goes. I think, yeah.

I think if this Tyrese thing had happened on my way to the post office and I saw him there every time I went and he just got a little more persistent each time. It went from looking good to come by my house later. What are you doing for dinner? Can I text you? Can I text you? Sure. They gave me the PlayStation 4 first because I'm famous. Do you want to come over and play it?

Well, no, I would just do that regularly. But you don't want to lead them on. You've got to be careful. I don't think it's gay to play PlayStation with Tyree. I bet it's pretty cool. You have to be careful. As you get more successful and older, as you reach Clooney. Sure.

And I think we can all agree that's where I'm headed. That's the trajectory I'm on. Unless you're going backwards, it's absolutely where you're headed. Right now I'm in my Roseanne phase. Yeah. Where I'm a charming bit player on a sitcom. Were I a single man like you and Tyrese invited me over to his house to play PlayStation 4. Because he gets it first because he's famous.

And I thought that it might lead to unsolicited sexual activities. I might do it. Do the sexual activity or just still do the – The sex activity. The sex activity. The combination of you're getting to play this great video game system before anyone else does. You get to check out the launch titles.

It's almost like you owe him. Yeah. And also, you know, don't throw me in the briar patch. Right. Most beautiful man in the world, Tyrese. Yeah, you're going to be forgotten if you just leave. Yeah, sure. If you just play the game and leave.

I'm just going to be replaced by another beautiful man. Exactly. By someone else looking good on the sidewalk. Yeah. Yeah. I like that we acted like he did ask him to play when all he said was looking good. I'm pretty sure Tyrese wanted to bone down with Jordan. Oh, I bet he did.

If you had stopped and been like, oh, yeah, there's more where that came from or some, you know. Yeah. Dropped my keys, bent over. Something sensual. Yeah. Or just like, hey, you know what? I've got something sensual yeah or just like hey you know what I've got an hour

do you want to go yeah what are you up to man I just found out about this great new skinny girl margarita oh yeah

this great this great new backseat of my car oh man Jordan yeah I gotta say if you don't sleep with Tyrese

I'm gonna be disappointed I know I am too you and me both man I'm gonna be bummed out got to say, if you don't sleep with Tyrese, I'm going to be disappointed. I know. I am, too. You and me both, man. I'm going to be bummed out about myself. Oh, yeah. If it doesn't happen the next year, I'm going to put a gun in my mouth. I hope it just gets to that point where there is no gay or straight so that there would

be more interesting, crazy stories. There's just Tyrese. Yeah. There's just Tyrese. Of this great nation. Just on a pound tour of the great cities of Europe. Because if you were just like, oh, my God, you know, I hooked up with this pretty woman who said something to me on the street. I'd be like, okay.

But it's way more interesting when it's like, oh, I guess, but then if everyone was gay, not gay or straight, it would be normal, so then it wouldn't be interesting. So forget it. I take it back. Okay. It's only fun if it's just Tyrese. Yeah. It's only fun if it's just Tyrese. Or Clooney.

Yeah. Or Clooney. Yeah, well, or just Tyrese and Clooney doing it together with each other. How about that? Tyrese and George Clooney touch their peenies together. I love when people think that. Yeah, that's called gay sex. There would be a lightning bolt that shot into the sky from the point where their peenies touched.

Oh, yeah. Sure. It would be like that scene in The Avengers where they touch Loki's staff to the cosmic cube. I'll see Iron Man. I'll see a Spider-Man. You don't want to see him team up. I don't go all the people together too much. Wait, too much?

Seems silly. Oh, I thought you were telling it is a little bit silly. I thought you just meant you're out when they start touching their penis. No, no, I love that. When Spider-Man touches the Hulk's penis. I'm out when it's not so realistic and everyone's a superhero. Right. Too much.

Too many superheroes. Too many. You don't want to be in a world where one person is a superhero. One person. Or maybe a couple. Oh, my God, in a world where one person is a superhero. One person. Or maybe a couple. Oh, my God, where'd they come from? Sure. Sure.

So you're okay. How did you feel when they already had some superheroes on the television show Heroes, but then they added Veronica Mars? Oh, I didn't watch that show. I'm not too into fantasy stuff, but I appreciate it. You're pretty into fantasy stuff. Glamorous fantasies. Remember, you were just telling me about Ursula Le Guin, your favorite Ursula Le Guin novel.

That's your favorite novelist. Oh, I was telling you, but I told you that in confidence. Oh, yeah. Come on, Jesse. I apologize. There's a code to off-mic chatting. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. So shall we talk about some sponsors for this week's program? I would love to. Let's start with our friends at Sound Opinions who are having what sounds like a very cool meetup here in the great city of Los Angeles. In the great city of Los Angeles. You can, it's July 12th at the Echoplex, and you can submit your picks for the Desert Island Jukebox. The theme is Best L.A. Songs.

We'll play the best according to Jim DeRogatis and Greg Cott at the show. It's an easy pick. Don't pick L.A. Woman. It's Night and Day in L.A. by Nocturnal. There you go. It's a great pick that's not L.A. Woman. Exactly. Hey, and it's hosted by Cameron Esposito, great pick that's not L.A. woman. Exactly. Hey, and it's hosted by Cameron Esposito, one of the top 12 L.A. comedy acts to watch this year. That's how MaximumFun.org fans will know her.

Right, of course. Not as a guest on this show or host of her own podcast. Yeah, not as hostess of Wham! Bam! Pow! our sister podcast. It's the Goose Island Migration Week meetup, Friday, July 12th, 7 to 9 p.m. at the Echoplex. There are big giveaways from Bose Sound Opinions and Goose Island. You can go to soundopinions.org slash events to RSVP. If you RSVP, you get complimentary Goose Island beer. Sounds like a good deal.

It's one of the top beer islands. There's no doubt about that. I'd do it. July 12th at the Echoplex here in Los Angeles. We also have something up on the Jumbotron, a message for Bonnie from Pat wishing Bonnie a happy birthday. Bonnie working hard abroad in Australia. Pat, me, and Murphy, our dog, miss her very much. You know what she's probably doing right now?

Hmm. Well, I can't say for sure what she's doing, but I could tell you what I'd be doing. What? Fucking Crocodile Dundee. Oh, yeah. That guy's hot. Oh, that guy's hot. I wish he had written working hard abroad in Australia, like some broads in Australia

working hard. Oh, that's nice. That would have been kind of a cooler way to say it. Yeah. Oh, did I say Crocodile Dundee? Yeah. I meant Yahoo.ile Dundee? Yeah. I meant Yahoo. Paul Hogan?

I meant Yahoo series. No. Why didn't Paul Hogan ever make it to Clooney status? That was always my love. Anyway, go on. No, Paul Hogan is a – you won't find any disagreement with me about the magnetic appeal of Paul Hogan, a.k.a. Crocodile Dundee. I was into him when he was just doing Subaru commercials. I was like, oh, it's great to see a Crocodile Dundee.

Not to mention his film work. Yeah, absolutely. And, hey, we also wanted to mention one other thing, which is some listeners on the forum are getting together a meetup in Philadelphia. That sounds like fun. The City of Light, as it's famously known. The Windy City. Philadelphia. That sounds like fun. The City of Light, as it's famously known. The Windy City. Philadelphia. P-E-A.

P-E-N-I-S. It is. Philadelphia penis. Saturday, July 20th, 4 p.m. At the Cafe Fulia. F-U-L-Y-A on 2nd Street. You can B-Y-O-B if you like. Bring your own bitch.

Yeah, bitches will not be provided. If you want to get late afternoon plastered at the Max Fund meetup, they got coffee, they got pastries, they got food. And if you want, maybe everybody's going to walk over to the Franklin Fountain for some old timey ice cream. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun. That sounds like a good time. That information also on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor this program or any of our Maximum Fund.org shows, email Teresa at maximumfund.org, T-H-E-R-E-S-A.

R-E-S-A. We'll be happy to take your money, plug your product, and provide a consumption-friendly environment full of... Words and things we say about it. And positive vibes. Yeah. A certain amount of positive vibes. We'll prime people to consume. We should give an example. Of a positive vibe?

No, just of the kind of way that we could talk. What's a product we should talk about, Jen? Well, we've talked about Skinny Girl. Why don't we talk about OPI nail polish? You just complimented me on my gold nails. Sure. I'm not in charge of them, and they probably have a lot of money. Do your nails look poor?

Want them to look like a rich person's nails? No, want to look more like Grace Jones, but you don't have the bone structure? Want to make it look like your fingers have little masks on them? Solid gold fingernail polish by OPI. That's Ocean Pacific. The shorts people. I love that I'm holding my hands up like I'm on camera. Sure.

I got into it like we're doing a QVC. The O is for, oh gosh, your nails look great. Thanks. That's the kind of stuff you can get if you email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. Stop at the top of my head. We'll be back in just a second. Give me a regular Ted over here. On Jordan, yes, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, friends, go to the telephone calls? I'd love to. Thank you. When something momentous happens to you, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN.

It helps us a lot with our segment, Momentous Occasions. Let us listen to the first call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is John driving through rural Vermont on this lovely 4th of July, calling with a momentous occasion. Just happened to pass by a local eating establishment, the name of which prominently displayed was Phineas T. Flubberbusters.

Phineas T. Flubberbusters. That's what's up. I wish I wasn't running late or I would have stopped. Anyways, love the show. Bye. How could you not fucking stop? Yeah, right? This guy's got to get out of Vermont, though.

Yeah. What do you think? I mean, I'm guessing like ice cream parlor. That's maybe just kind of a Ben and Gen Z-like place. I hope it's the fanciest restaurant in Vermont. I hope it's like... You have month-long wait list. I like the idea... Girl, don't go out with him unless he's going to take you to Phinney's Flubber Busters. in Vermont. You have a month-long wait list. I like the idea...

Girl, don't go out with him unless he's going to take you to Phineas Flubber Busters. I like the idea that Ben and Jerry got fucking assloads mega rich when they sold out Ben and Jerry's. And they brought in...

What's my man Thomas Keller? They brought in Thomas Keller to start a restaurant in Vermont because they were disappointed by the fine dining options in Vermont. They start this restaurant and they say, oh, Tommy, one other thing. We decided to call it Phineas T. Flubber. The T is there for your name. That's for Thomas Keller. That's for legendary American chef Thomas Keller.

They're like, you will be wearing a top hat and a coat with tails at all times. But we're doing the whole farm to table thing. Sure. It's going to be really good. Do you think if it's not fancy, they have a ball pit that you either jump in or I guess what else would you do with one? Is it that? Oh, yeah.

What if? Farm to table balls. What if? Farm-to-table balls. What if they have a ball pit, but it's full of Super Balls? That would be more fun. That hints the Flubber Busters because it's like Flubber, but you're going to be hurt badly. Or beach balls. That's where you don't get hurt. That's somewhere else.

Oh. I'm just trying to think of all kinds of things you could do with a ball pit. I feel like we've been short-sighted. What if it's grapefruits? That's painful. Yeah. That does sound painful, especially if you have a paper cut. A little bitter, too.

I wonder where that guy was going that he couldn't just stop for a second and get a Diet Coke and just see if they had that. Maybe they weren't open. That's what he's going to want to address about this restaurant, by the way. Do they have diet drinks or just regular? How about Coke 30? Coke Zero? They got that? Is there a Coke 30?

I don't know. There should be. Just 30 calories. There's a different numbered Coke for how much NutraSweet tastes that you want in your mouth. You got a Splenda Coke. You got a NutraSweet Coke. Sure, sure. You got a Stevia Coke. Yep. There should be.weet Coke. Sure, sure. You got a Stevia Coke.

Yep. There should be. Well, there is at Whole Foods. Coke for guys with a Z. It's called Coke Dick. Coke Dick. Coke Dick. Coke Dick.

Coke for that time of the month. Just PMS Coke. Oh, sure. Oh, that'd be great. Comes in a can shaped like Peyton Manning's erect member. Mm-hmm. Dudes only. Sorry, ladies.

I'm drinking out of a cock right now. Yeah. You know what that means. In the commercial, the guy cuts down a tree, and then he rides on a whale, and it's so funny and random. Yeah, chicks are into it. Yeah. The colors are super saturated. They're very saturated.

God, I'm so tired of ironic commercials with hyper-saturated colors. We get it. You saw the kids in the hall when you were a teenager. That's what's happening. You're right. All the ad people now are basing things on the sketch shows they watched growing up.

Oh, my God. Okay, let's take another call before I get upset about commercials. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Yes, this's take another call before I get upset about commercials. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. This is Damon calling with momentous occasion. I'm a 41-year-old blind man, and I've never been much of an athlete, and I've had a number of health problems over the last many years that have kept me from participating in a lot of activities.

But things have been stable on the health front. And so I decided to get myself in shape this year. And I joined a blind baseball team. We actually just finished our first tournament, gotten my first game action. And most importantly of all, we won all four of our games and won the tournament. So immortal power is plugged in. Thanks. That is beautiful. To be fair, the other team was is plugged in. Thanks. That is beautiful.

To be fair, the other team was also blind dudes. Sure. So, I mean, to be fair, I'm just saying to be fair. Their senses were better used than the other team. Do you know how that shit works? The ball goes beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, and you have to hit it based on that shit. Oh, right. Oh, my God. That's even harder. It's like to hit it based on that shit. Oh, right. I was, oh my God.

That's even harder. Well, obviously it's harder. It's like if a bat tried to play baseball. Yeah. That's amazing. I would be terrified if you had to play closed eyes baseball. Yeah. I'm so afraid of balls hitting me, even though I can see.

And I don't mean men's balls. I mean, that would be terrifying too. But I don't just think they're going to come flying at me. At a baseball game. You know where they're at. Yeah, yeah. They're usually safe. You keep tabs on them. Sure. They're usually safe. But I don't just think they're going to come flying at me. At a baseball game. You know where they're at. Yeah, yeah. They're usually safe. But that's amazing.

Once you hear, you brace yourself once you hear, nice hat. And then you just look out for it. I wonder if when you're blind, you worry about the things that we have the luxury of worrying about. Like maybe he doesn't even worry about, oh my God, I accidentally got hit. That's probably not what was keeping him. It was probably more like running and being in shape it's probably not that bad being blind I bet he can get water I chase

sure just doesn't mean his feet are small I bet a big conflict or he buys the wrong size on the blind baseball team is everybody thinks they're the daredevil of the team like well do you allow legally blind?

Is he legally blind? You know, because you can see a little bit. Or is he blind blind? And what about people who are doing that thing you do when you're a little kid where you close your eyes almost all the way so it looks like they're all the way closed but they're not actually? While someone's bringing out the birthday cake? You know when you're like, are my eyes closed? And your dad's like, yes? And you're like, ha ha, they weren't closed all the way.

I saw you cheating on mom. Which he did when he was buying her eyes. I wonder if this sounds... Close your eyes while I do something. Now while I do this to another woman, your other senses might be heightened. Oh, so you can smell me cheating on your mom. That's the daredevil of sad children. That's how Daredevil got his powers.

I like that we took this man's monumentous occasion. Amazing. Like, amazing accomplishment and turned it into, what if you made your son close his eyes while he's talking to someone? What if you made your son close his eyes when you talk to someone? I want to mention, speaking of that, I got a very nice email from the gentleman who was almost kidnapped. We had a guy call in on a momentous occasion that he had almost been kidnapped. Holy shit. And somebody had attempted to kidnap him and he had managed to run away.

Amazing. And we were just like, holy shit. That's fucking unreal. A, you should not be calling us about this. B, who is out there trying to kidnap grown men? Weird. Like what is that about? Tyrese. Tyrese.

He doesn't have to kidnap people. He's just like, hey, baby, let's go. And everyone within listening distance turns around. He's just like, hey, baby, let's go. And everyone within listening distance turns around. And he's like, not that baby. And hopes that they're the one he's referring to. Anyway, I got a very nice email from this gentleman who, and he said he really appreciated hearing his voice on the show. Oh. Which is what, which is I'm glad because that's what we were hoping because we certainly made

light of the most traumatic experience he's probably had in his life. Well, he knows. He's not calling into, you know, I'm trying to think of a serious show, but I can't because all the news is infotainment nowadays. Am I right? He thinks he's calling Dolly Parton from 9 to 5. Wait, what's that one where she's the radio call-in show? No, not 9 to 5.

Straight Talk. I don't remember the name. Nah, neither. Working Girls? No, that's something different. Steel Magnolias. It's WKRP. There you go.

She wasn't in that, but it's up. Yeah. The Porter Wackner Show? Okay. The one... Oh, Christ. I had one last thing I wanted to say about this kidnap guy. He was not, he was glad to hear his voice.

That would be great if when he called back, he's like, I was really going to ruin my voice in the podcast. I did end up getting kidnapped, but I wanted to thank you so much. And he called. I'm still kidnapped. He called from the van. Should be calling the police. My God, I just love the show so much. Just love.

I just, it's just. Oh, they're coming from my phone. Okay. I got to go. It's just nice to know that we've encouraged our listeners to misplace their priorities that badly. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Way to go, guys. It's a really beautiful thing. Yeah. It's a special bond that it shows a lot of trust. Yeah. A lot of misplaced trust. Yeah. Because we'll turn on you.

Yeah. We see an opportunity for humor. Of course. We just mocked a blind man who plays baseball. Yeah. Because we'll turn on you. We see an opportunity for humor. Of course. We just mocked a blind man who plays baseball. This isn't Blind Baseball Corner. This is a comedy show. Can I say?

I'm only joking. I think blind people sports is one of the coolest things ever. It's amazing. It's like. Totally amazing. It's like. Totally amazing. It's so fucking cool. Why wouldn't you watch that instead of a baseball game with sighted people? Like if that was a. Why isn't that on TV?

I would watch that. Professional blind baseball. I would love. It's so much harder. Why wouldn't. I would go watch it in two seconds. Yeah. Great.

It's tremendous. I wish there were more blind guys on the San Francisco Giants. Sure. Right now. Right now. I mean, do you want to blind some of the people who are already on the team? It's so hard for me to accept that that's a baseball team name. It sounds too football-y.

I would like the, I would like. It's also a football team. I know. That's probably why. I would like Stevie Wonder to play for the San Francisco Giants. I believe he's blind. I have a theory. Okay.

That he's so rich and famous that he just got bored of seeing and just put sunglasses on. And he says gay blind sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just kidding. That's a pretty good theory. What about David Patterson, the former governor of New York? I think he... He just became so powerful.

He just got so drunk with power that he told people to regard him as a blind guy. Yeah, yeah. And then he was secretly fucking guys at the podium. Gotcha. Well, we settled all of that. Sure. Great news, blind guy who does the amazing thing of playing baseball. You just heard your voice on our podcast.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective, Jen Kirkman guest.

We just broke the a hundred minute barrier. I hope people are enjoying this program. Yeah. Because if they're not, they are really not at this point. Hopefully someone hasn't kidnapped you and forced you to listen to this. That's not what they're listening to on the call. Can we decide on a Tweet of the Week, guys? Yes, let's do. First of all, there is an easy choice for Tweet of the Week.

But I don't think it's appropriate because I don't think that a major celebrity should be allowed to win Tweet of the Week. That's true. Our friend, Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. I love that she's your friend. I love her. And the upcoming... Yeah, because she's fucking great. She's the best. I wish you... Will you tell her I want to be your friend?

Anyway, go on. She's listening right now. She listens to our program. She listens every week. I had to use... Jen Kirkman wants to be friends with you guys. When I wrote my book, not to plug it, i can barely take care of myself i was just going through a divorce and uh my husband was very angry at me for divorcing him and there was some issues legally and i think i'm in the clear now and i couldn't at one point was maybe

going to not even have to be allowed to mention that i was even once married like like and there's this like elizabeth gilbert like law in place that's like these are the rules. You can absolutely speak your own story if it's under 10 years of marriage and say I was married. And you know if you want to make a personal agreement. Anyway but because of what she went through it helped me set some laws and didn't have to pay out the ass for a lawyer as much as I only had to half pay out one half of an ass. So I'm in forever in her debt and I just love all her stuff and her. Anyway, thank you. Well, last week we talked a little bit about Elizabeth Gilbert, one of our most beloved and most full short listeners, which is sort of it's a I mean, if you're if you're not already familiar with full short, Jen, it's probably because you're not young and hip enough. Probably not.

Pushing 39 in a month. But it's a watchword for a new generation. Oh, okay. Anyway, we were talking about how full Liz's short is and so on and so forth. And she tweeted – and we were also talking about basketball legend Dikembe Mutombo. Oh, yeah. And she tweeted, Dikembe Mutombo and I both pooped our shorts when we heard our names on Jordan Jessica.

Oh, that's a great tweet. And then I stuffed him. Great. She totally stuffed Dikembe Mutombo. So that's the, look, that's the obvious choice. Congratulations, Liz Gilbert. You're the best. But you're an author millionaire.

You could probably buy your own t-shirt. You could bathe in t-shirts. You probably have a vault full of t-shirts that you swim in Scrooge McDuck style. You don't know what she does. Probably that, though. But probably that. I mean, you've got to figure it out. No, I mean, I'm assuming, but yeah.

I could email her and ask. But I think that's probably what she does. She's the only person I know who's a best-selling author. We've never met in real life. I'm a best-selling author. Are you the New York Times best-seller list? Did you? Yeah, two weeks in a row.

You fucking fucks. Okay. And I didn't get number one. Do you want to swim in t-shirts? It just occurred to me that past Jordan Jesse Go, guess Mary Roach is a best-selling author. And so is Susan Orlean. There's best-selling author, and then there's best-selling author.

It made no dent in my life at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The money didn't even make back my... Well, you already have a lot of money. You can maybe fill a kiddie pool with t-shirts. It doesn't even affect your profits. I won't see profits for years. But then if it goes to number one, then your life has changed.

If it's anything but the first five, it doesn't mean you sold much. You don't need the money. I mean, given the success that you've had overall, you live in George Clooney's neighborhood. I live next to George Clooney. I live in his house. And I have gold fingernails. Yeah. So you've got Grace Jones money.

Yeah. Yeah. Grace Jones now. And you know, your bone structure's not bad. Thank you. I was actually going to call you on that before. I want to tell you. I was going to say, you know what?

We can't all have Grace Jones bone structure. Right, but? Grace Jones has the bone structure of a robot from the planet Bone Structure. Do I at least have Angus T. Jones bone structure, the boy that's on Two and a Half Men. Yeah, sure, absolutely. Thank you. I would say that you're... And you have his values, too.

I do. You believe in something. I do. Okay, here's our choices for Tweety of the Week. By the way, Tweety of the Week winners get a free t-shirt. Liz, if you want a free t-shirt, we will absolutely send you a free t-shirt.

Just email Jennifer at MaximumFun.org. Now, with regard to, here's two choices and you guys are going to pick between them. At Stephen Merrill, hashtag JJGoes

a great way to start the week and this week's episode stands out as a real full short press. Oh, that's good. Okay.

Fun pun. At O'Doogs, Laura McDougal, guys, has no one suggested that we need short reform yet? Oh, that's my favorite. Yeah, I like that. That's my favorite. Sorry, Stevie.

I like the way we both liked it. Our attitude was completely different. Yeah. The first one, we're like, oh, that's good. And then the one we like, we're like, nah, we're going to have to like that. I think we both had made up our minds. Yeah. And that sound that we made was the sound of knowing that we were wrong.

Yeah. Okay. You got me. And just what comedy people do when they think something's funny. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, Dane Cook's pretty – he's a talent. He works hard. Jen, you are not only on Twitter at Jen Kirkman.

Uh-huh. You're not only regularly appearing on television, on the Chelsea Handler television program. Yes, Chelsea lately. You also have a smash hit book and a smash hit podcast. Perhaps you could share a bit about that with our listeners so that they'll know whether it's something they'd love to check out. Well, everyone can go to my website, JenKirkman.com. Sure. They can see my tour dates.

Sure. They can see my podcast. Wow. They can see my tour dates. Sure. They can see my podcast. Wow. They can see my book, right? They can book. Where are you headed? Boise? I'm going to Montreal this summer.

Which side of the tracks, by the way? Oh, always best side of the tracks. Yeah, you don't want to. But I will be in Montreal this July. I'll be in London in September if there's UK listeners. And I'll be in Indiana in October and Austin in September. I'm pointing as if anyone can see. You know what?

We're going to be in London in August. We'll warm it up for you. Oh, thank you. We'll tell them to, yeah, we'll get them nice and ready. Get it. Just. The old London warm up. Yeah.

Hello. The old London broil. Oh, yeah. Please shout out my name. But anyway, my podcast is just called I Seem Fun, the Diary of Jen Kirkman podcast. I lay in bed and talk by myself for like anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. And it's different every week. And I, you know.

You couldn't find a better audio friend than Miss Jen Kirkman. Really? Right. I agree. Jen Kirkman is a delightful woman. Hilarious. Fascinating. I just wanted to be people feeling like their friend is talking to them.

People, you should get a co-host. I don't want one. It's me in bed once a week. The listener is the co-host. I'm doing it because everything I do has to have you know, everything you do is committee. Turn this in, notes and this, blah, blah, blah. I just want to talk freely. And it's

different than stand-up because I don't have to have a punchline. You do have to run it by the head honcho at Bud Light Lime Arena. I do. They are my sponsor. Oh, and no advertising. No nothing. Just a gal gabbing. It's just you and Jen. Just me and Jen. And you.

And you out there. And a bed. And a bed. The bed's not that talkative. For some reason, I'm always in the bed, and it became a thing. And now I actually can't do it unless I'm laying in bed. Yeah. I've said this before, but I worked at Ellen the year she decided to stop dancing. And I think that could be similar for you, the year Kirkman decides she wants to do it from the Shay's Lounge.

Oh, it was a shit show. It was a shit show. If Don McLean had only written a song about that. Oh, my God. The day the dancing stopped. Thank God. Hey, speaking of London, we are going to be in London in addition to Edinburgh. Go to MaximumFun.org for more information.

We're just about to post. If it's not posted yet, it will be posted up shortly. Yeah, if you're in Europe, get to one of these. I'm looking at you, Greenland. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Barcelona. Mm-hmm. Madrid. Ibiza.

Ibiza. Yeah. All the sexiest Spaniards. Oh, man. Marc Anthony. I don't know. Where's that guy from? How about you, Andorra?

What the fuck else are you doing? Probably some kind of shady banking. Some weird new state in the Soviet Republic. Luxembourg. Yeah. Get up there. San Marino. Get in there.

Yeah. Vatican City. Let's do this. Wales? Absolutely. Get on the train. Sure. Ride down with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Sure. She's coming over. Yeah, you bet. Hitch a ride. Hitch a ride. You know we got CZJ on board. Thumb a ride with CZJ. We're the first podcast with a laser array from that one movie that she was in.

Oh, man. Just going to spend a second thinking from that one movie that she was in. Oh, man. Just going to spend a second thinking about that. That's cool. Yeah, it was great. Yeah. Last time we talked about that, someone posted it

on our forum. One time, Catherine Zeta-Jones was in a movie where she was a thief and there was a scene where she had to snake her way through a bunch of lasers

to avoid. She's a lovely young woman. She sure is. God bless her. Very Welsh. God bless her. Very Welsh. A handsome lady.

God bless her and her bipolar. Get the help you need. Yeah, absolutely. Let's keep it. Hey, let's keep it in the middle. Keep it nice and... Let's cool it down and warm it up until you're a nice, steady medium. Sounds like that laser field was kind of a metaphor.

It was. Oh, you're absolutely right. That's a really good point. Don't go too high. Don't go too low. That's a really good point. Anyway, seriously, if you're in the fucking UK and you're not coming to our fucking show. That's ridiculous.

Jesus Christ. You came so far. You went through customs. Don't go. Don't go. Come to Wales. We're not in Wales. This is where we are.

You come to us. It's a small country. Do you think we're doing this for money? No. We're doing this for glory. Yeah. And for maximum fun. If no one meets me at the airport,

I'm going to be very disappointed. Yeah, please be at the airport with signs with our names on it. I'm going to have some pretty great witticisms and charming remarks for the press conference at the airport. We'll have to find people to set you up, like to say, how do you find America? Yes.

Some stuff about my hairstyle. That's a couple of good jokes about my hairstyle, which is going to be sweeping the entire United Kingdom pretty soon. It'll be like when there's that John Lennon song, the Beatles song, when him and Yoko, they're trying to travel around Europe. They couldn't because of the press following them. It's going to be like that. That's what it's going to be like the Beatles song, when him and Yoko, they're trying to travel around Europe. They couldn't because of the press following them. Yeah. Yeah.

It's going to be like that. That's what it's going to be like. The Ballad of John and Yoko. Seriously, can I just say one thing absolutely sincerely? Please buy a ticket for our fucking show. Come to our show. Don't fuck this up for us. Yeah.

We're going to have great guests. Mm-hmm. We're going to have amazing stuff in London and in Edinburgh, but we can't do this without you. So please, just buy a fucking ticket to our show. Please. Okay. That's all I'm going to have amazing stuff in London and in Edinburgh, but we can't do this without you. So please, just buy a fucking ticket to our show. Please. That's all I'm going to say. It's been said.

Yeah. Show's over. Sonny D on the boards. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Jen Kirkman's online at jenkirkman.com and on the Twitter twats at Jen Kirkman. Thank you very much for sticking with us over the past four hours. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. Bye.