Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 283: Game of Death Colon with David Malki !

Episode Date: July 15, 2013

Writer David Malki ! joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of haircuts, Jordan's trip to the Weird Al Burlesque Show, David's experience with a provocative street performer, and of course - 3D-printed reverse colons.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a hot one out there, Jordan. Scorcher? I actually went to a diner this morning. I ordered two eggs, sunny side up, hash browns.

You know where they cooked them? On your butt. Right out there on the sidewalk. Oh, boy. Right out there on the sidewalk. That's how hot it was. Now, granted, my butt was on the sidewalk. Okay.

I had dropped my trousers and then fallen over backwards. You were trying to impress the diner waitress. Yeah, my pants were binding my legs together. It's sort of like a three-legged race type situation. It's hard to move forward when your pants are down. I just right down on them. Did they cook the hash browns in – did they just pour oil into the gutter and then put the potatoes in the gutter? Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. Yeah, of course they did. Where else would they cook them, Jordan? Get your head in the game. Yeah, because it's so hot. Right. Exactly. That's your Los Angeles weather report for this week. Mm-hmm. Hot, hot weather. Hope it's cool and comfortable wherever you are, be it Des Moines, Saskatchewan, or Kuala Lumpur, one of the world's great cultural heritage sites. Let's introduce our guest on the program.

You know him as a webtoonist or web cartoonist. You know him as a best-selling author. You know him as Mr. David Malky. Hi, David. Welcome back to the program. Hi, Jesse. It's a real pleasure to be here. Oh, it's great to have you. Anytime we can get the creator of Wonder Mark on the program, it's a delight because Wonder Mark is very funny.

Thank you. That's very kind of you to say. I think you guys are a funny duo yourselves. Especially when we're talking Los Angeles weather. I mean, that's sort of our wheelhouse. Yeah. When we're talking breakfast exaggerations. Yeah.

Sure. It's my favorite type of exaggeration. You want to go on an eggs-based flight of fancy? Absolutely. We're your guys. Yeah. Let's do it. Oh, you did.

You did already. Not a ton of breakfast humor in Wonder Mark. There have been a few. Okay. I can think of a couple off the top of my head, but, you know, I like to cover every subject, not just breakfast, also brunch. Okay. So that's your main subjects.

Yeah. You got your griddle cakes, your Johnny cakes, your flapjacks. Sure. A lot of variation in home fries between establishments. Sometimes it'll be like an actual what you would call hash browns at a different place. Other times it'll be more of a roasted potato situation. I feel like that spectrum is pretty wide and a lot of good gold in that vein. No, that's the kind of stuff that, as an NPR reporter would say, is ripe for satire.

Sure. Ripe for satire. Satire, by the way, a word meaning a thing an NPR listener laughed at. That's the definition of satire. I just got a summer. You ever get a summer haircut, Jordan? I am two weeks into my summer due. And I went to a new spot.

Really? Tell me about where you get your haircut because I don't know anything about this. Well, hunker down because this is a treat. Hunker down because this is a treat. No, I usually go to one of these places that's like we got a foosball table and we'll give you a beer while you're getting your haircut. And sometimes I get like the straight razor shave. Wait, so you go to that kind of sports bar type barbershop? This is a relatively new phenomenon. Yeah, yeah.

Is the place decorated like a hunting lodge? This is a relatively new phenomenon. Yeah, yeah. Is the place decorated like a hunting lodge? Yes. I was going to say it's less sports bar and more, you know, loyal order of the water buffalo. Yeah, and the people have like curly mustaches typically. Sometimes the barbers. I don't know your particular place.

Not mine, but yeah, that's, yes. We're talking about a sort of faux hipster barbershop. Yeah, yes. That's a good way to describe it. They usually do a nice job. I usually like to leave my hair a little bit long. You got a regular guy or lady or you just, you luck of the draw? A regular guy. Tell me a little bit about this fella. It took me a while. This place has two people who I've gotten a haircut from. Right. Paul Mitchell. Paul Mitchell.

And Vidal Sassou. What I was going to say is the other famous hairstyle name. Yeah. One is a very attractive tattoo lady who I liked getting my haircut from a lot because she's a pretty tattoo lady. To clarify, when you say tattoo lady, do you mean a lady with a banner around her body saying some saying? Or like that would be on a tattoo? Well, this is just a woman who's shaped like an anchor.

Okay. She looks like a popular tattoo. Jordan, I can 1,000% relate to the appeal of that. When I moved to Los Angeles, before I had a regular place to get my hair cut, I would go to the kind of hipster barber shop. Sure. And it was luck barbershop. Sure. And it was luck of the draw. Yeah. But when you pull a beautiful tattoo woman to cut your hair, it's a very intimate thing. It's almost inappropriate for a married man to get their hair cut by one of these women.

Yeah. It's alternately fun and icky. Yeah. It's alternately fun and icky. Yeah. And this tattoo lady would – she would definitely while we were just chatting sometimes talk about how hard it is to be single, how hard it is to find a man. And I always had like kind of dreams of like asking her out somehow. But I could not figure out how to do it in a way that wasn't the creepiest thing in the world. Just grab the straight razor. Hold it to your own throat.

Sure, exactly. And say, don't make me do this. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, but then there was one time when she wasn't there and there was a guy there and I know some people have taken offense at what I'm about to do now, but I think it's part of the story. He's an African-American guy. He has hair similar to mine.

He did a much better job cutting my hair. He's got a loose curl? Yeah. I don't know if that – I mean he could just be a better barber, but I think there was an inherent understanding because we had the same hair of what to do to my sort of hair. I can see that. So where does this leave you? So anyway, so this is where I would usually get my hair cut. If I'm getting the shave, I'm tipping, I'm dropping about 50 bucks.

All right. Times are lean around the Morris household. Yep. You're on that diet. I lean around the Morris household. Yep. You're on that diet. I'm on the – yeah. I'm cutting all the fat off my meat. Sure. You lost your griddle.

You're frying your eggs on the sidewalk. Exactly. I'm making only – I'm making street food, but I'm not referring to like ethnic – Like a truck or something. Yeah. I'm not referring to – It's just literally on the street. You're using the street to cook the food. I'm using – not referring to. It's just literally on the street. You're using the street to cook the food.

I'm using, yeah, I'm eating whatever we'll cook on the street. All types of food just on concrete. Yeah. With weeds just, if they happen to be there. Just hope they're dandelions. Sure. Exactly, sure. Does kale grow wild in cracks?

In West Hollywood it does, yes. Okay, yeah. West Hollywood, California. Sure, sure. Threw a crack in the sidewalk. Right, exactly. Yeah. It's a really potent metaphor when the first kale springs through the prison yard because it symbolizes hope and antioxidants, which are both very important for the incarcerated.

Sure, right. Dietary supplements. Times are lean. I'm on the job hunt. It's time for a haircut. I'm like, well, what can I do to avoid this $50 haircut? There's just a place called Richard's Barbershop that I pass a lot. It's just – it's four chairs.

It's kind of in the Hasidic neighborhood near like a store where you would get a CD of Mazurka music. I'm like, well, I'm going to give it a shot. Richard's Barbershop. Sure. See what old Dick has to say for himself. Richard has a two-foot gray ponytail and an unironic wolf shirt. A lot of totems in the barbershop, some dream catchers. The only two other guys getting their haircut there were Hasidic men.

And they were both reading Playboys, which I thought was pretty cool. Richard said I looked like a chia pet and that I really needed a haircut. And, yeah, and he did the deed. It was not chatty. Maybe had a little bit of a respiratory problem. So the only chatting that I got was like wheezing. While we were doing it, I wanted to ask for a Playboy as well, but I was too shy. You got to earn that. Yeah, I know, right? Just come out and ask for it.

Yeah, I mean, I think maybe once I become a regular there, they'll know my playboy. They'll slip it over, yeah. Like, oh, Loyatoya Jackson 1989, sir. Why, thank you, Richard. So I'm guessing this was a cheaper haircut than you would have paid otherwise. With tip, 20 bucks. Yeah, that's my typical haircut. Yeah, I20. Yeah. That's my typical haircut. Yeah. I lost my

guy. For many years, I went to see Jerry. Going to see Jerry was the highlight of my month every month. You're getting one haircut a month? Roughly speaking. I have short hair. You've got to keep that claimed.

I guess I don't know how often the average person gets a haircut. I think if you have longer hair, you got to keep that claimed. I guess I don't know how often the average person gets a haircut. I think if you have longer hair, you can get away with a couple months. Sure. But when you're trying to keep it, you know, nice and tight, once a month is a good bet. If you're really tight, you might want to go every couple weeks. Sure. I had a boss who would get trim every Saturday just so that he always looked perfect.

He was also – my job, one of my jobs as a PA for his company was to wash his car every week. So just that sort of deal. With your hair. Yeah. My hair was valueless to him, frankly. No respect for the hair of others. He only wears real Indian hair.

Yeah. Yeah. 100% human hair. And his wolf shirt was made of actual wolf. Wow. It was up there. And an actual shards made of actual wolf. Wow. It was up there. And an actual shards of moon in it. Shards of moon rocks.

Those are the buttons. Jerry was 70-ish, 75-ish, and had been in this barber shop, which his dad had previously owned. He had been there since he was a teen, like 15 or 16. Kind of like the dad in Rushmore. Yeah, precisely. It was exactly like the barbershop in Rushmore. Oh, cool. Like, don't get me absolutely directly 100% like that. Wood paneled the whole nine yards. And it was just him and this older Russian lady who would cut people who came in,

cut people's hair. She would cut them with a shiv. What's the best word? I don't remember what her name was, but she would cut people's hair who came in and didn't ask for Jerry. So Jerry was always busy because he'd been in the same place for 50 years and was a good hairstylist. This Russian woman would sometimes cut people's hair,

and she would be, like, nice, except when she was cutting people's hair and she would be like nice, except when she was cutting people's hair and then she was kind of angry. She would cut the hair angrily. But Jerry had, they showed this once in Mad Men, had those massagers, those mechanical massagers

that you slip over your hands. And into your pants. Things. And between that you slip over your hands. And into your pants. These big chrome things. And they go... And between... Jerry was a native Southern Californian, 75 years old, just a super relaxed, quiet, sweet guy. And between just talking to Jerry about his 57 Chevy

or he and the wife are headed out to Palm Springs. Oh, that's fun. That's a nice. For a little R&R. Sure. It's a nice day trip. A little time in the desert air. Between that and then the mechanical massage at the end, it was just the most wonderful experience in the world.

And then Jerry had been in and out of the office. He owned the joint. So when he wasn't there, nobody was there. It was just closed because he had some stomach cancer. And in between, I would just wait as long as I could. But a couple times, it was a few months, and I had to go see my wife's hairstylist. as I could, but a couple of times it was a few months and I had to go see my wife's hairstylist and she wanted to like talk to me about just stuff that was going on in her life. It's a real chatty.

The bachelorette maybe. Yeah. And just, I was just like, I don't know anything about anything this woman cares about. She's not even really giving me a particularly great haircut. Then at the end of it, I owe her $50. And so I gave up on that. And when Jerry finally retired, I was like, shit, what the fuck am I going to do? So I just went to this barbershop where we live, where our office is here, where our work lives,

is the Westlake District of Los Angeles, right next to MacArthur Park. And there's this famous old hotel that's right next door. And it doesn't operate as a hotel. It operates solely as a film shoot location and event space because the neighborhood is not what it once was in terms of grandness. in terms of grandness. And on the ground floor of the hotel, there is a barbershop that just is... If you looked into this barbershop when it was closed,

you would wonder, is this an abandoned barbershop or is this a functioning barbershop? But not abandoned. Does it ever seem haunted? If it was... Let's say there was a full moon. Mm-hmm. Werewolves.

Werewolves shaving each other. Yeah. That's where a werewolf goes to get shaved. You wouldn't believe what you might see in there. But it is $10 for a haircut. There are six or seven, there's seven chairs now. There were six main chairs and then they added a seventh chair sort of in the corner of a space that's maybe eight feet wide you know what i mean um

and uh i go there consistently the only native english speaker in the place unless there's an african-american gentleman in there which there is once in a while. And the nice thing is I realized I'm so bald now. Like I'm like 40% bald now. It doesn't, I just, I just need someone to cut off my hair. You know what I mean? Like, and I, you can't really do that yourself and have it look decent. I mean, if you shave your own head, it has this weird sameness to it. And trying to get a taper on your own head is not going to happen. No. Self-tapering? Come on. I definitely knew a guy who was heavy enough that he had the roll in the back of the head. He would bick his own head, but you could tell that he would miss this section that was-

If you lift it up. Recessed. If you lift it up. Which he did not do. And so from behind, he had one little like a reverse mustache just on the back because the razor would just skip over like a canyon, like Evel Knievel going from one side to the other. And he didn't know. God bless him. Nicest guy. He'd feel back there, but it was hidden.

Yeah. He didn't get up in it. He's a big enough guy that the fingers probably couldn't quite reach it either. Were you ever tempted to put some little glasses back there and make it look like he had another face? We didn't have that kind of a relationship where I could just- Slip glasses onto him? Put glass on the back of his head. That's true.

That is a special relationship. That's sort of the relationship between a stage magician and a person who volunteered in the audience. All right. To secretly put glasses on the back of the head. But I'll tell you, go over there, pay my $10. Hey, I'll tip $5. Sure. I don't give a shit.

That's $15 total. That's what I want to pay. Sure. I'm tipping like a king. Yeah. Everybody's making off like a bandit here. They do a nice job. You get a nice disposable razor.

You know, straighten out the perfect hairline every time. Sure. A nice taper. The only problem is I had to learn barbershop talk. With Jerry, I would just go in and just be like, you know, just cut my hair, Jerry. I had to learn barbershop shop talk so I didn't come out of there looking like, you know, Derek Jeter in 1998. cheater in 1998, which was sort of like the default is to have that kind of perfect, you know, like on a picture on the side of a barbershop where you got a perfect or like I'm genuine or something like that.

Sure. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Looks like you have like a hair helmet. Yeah. Like a crazy tiny short hair helmet. I feel pretty good about my $15 cut as well.

I feel like it looks pretty good. Maybe I'll get that Playboy someday. I definitely resent personally paying too much for a haircut, or at least I have in the past. I'm sort of coming around to the idea that potentially paying more might get you a better haircut, which is sort of a thing that I'm not sure if I have always been able to verify personally. But I would seek out the $9 haircut or the $4 special occasionally. So there was a period of about 10 years where I don't think I had a barber whose native language was English. When you say the $4 special, what's that, overnights?

There was one place that I just saw in a window, $4 haircut. So I just made a point driving by one day. It's like, let's try it. Sure. It's a haircut that comes with hash browns. It'll grow back. And I sought out a free haircut once. I drove all the way downtown.

And I live in Venice. I drove all the way downtown for an art show slash haircut exhibition where part of the art exhibit was that people would walk up and get haircuts. And I was like, free haircut. Why not? And you get to be part of the art scene, which is glamorous. And I got in the LA Weekly. They did a whole thing about it with a picture of me and my haircut. And then they quoted me saying I am poor, which is great.

Because now you can put that on Wikipedia because it's notable. But recently I was in New York and I was in Brooklyn and I had forgotten to sort of trim my beard before I left. And we were there for a while and I didn't bring a razor. Yeah, you certainly don't want to have an unkempt beard in Brooklyn. You'll look out of place. It was a hot day. It was a little itchy and I thought, you know what? There's got to be a place here in Williamsburg where I can get a straight razor shave.

Of course, there's dozens of them. And I did find a place that – They will give you one at the 7-Eleven there. It's just part of the – It's next to the – It's part of the local culture. Go-go taquitos. And so I went to this place where it was this little Russian guy. And I was like third in line.

And he just was a man of few words, but he had those massager things that you were talking about, which I've never seen before this, but he had a whole deal where you cut your hair, he would shave your neck with a razor if you wanted, he would do the thing on your shoulders. Oh, that thing is gorgeous.

When he did me, like he went, you know, he shaved my beard, he shaved my neck, he trimmed my hair, he put a hot towel over my face and then like rubbed my face and then put the massager thing over my scalp. It shaved my neck. He trimmed my hair. He put a hot towel over my face and then rubbed my face and then put the massager thing over my scalp. It was an experience. And it makes me wonder how much there is to haircutting that I don't realize. How deep does this well go? What am I missing out on that there's some mystery technique from the ancient caucasus that this

guy is bringing forward that I would never get at a $9 haircut in a strip mall. Did he stimulate your prostate? The chair did it for me. There you go. It was just one of those chairs that had like a W shape. The general rule is, and this goes for the whole service economy, is you pay twice as much, you get prostate stimulation.

Sure. It's part of the patriarchy, I would say. It's okay. The fact that that's built into everything. It's like a haircut now involves less than it did, you know, 50 years ago. Like, it's like, okay, so the hot towel isn't part for the course anymore. The massage is a rare thing. The shave is like an extra special bonus treat.

Sure. Like, do you think like in the 50s, they were also like doing your taxes while you were there or. They're doing all the things that your wife wouldn't do. Right. Because I mean, I feel like nowadays there's clippers. You can have it at home. Sure. You can get your wife to buzz your head if you wanted to, if you don't need anything very specific. I want to taper, but go ahead. So I feel like maybe in the same way that people would pump your gas and check your oil, maybe there were a lot more services baked into the things that you otherwise now can just get your wife to do. She checks my oil. Look, I've seen the movie Barbershop. I know a little something about the services that are

available at your local barbershop. You just have to get into it. And you have to get in. The reason it, I think the reason, the reason that all these things can exist is because getting your haircut, it's one of the only times when someone's really taken care of you. You, all you're supposed to do is to do is just not do anything. That's the rule. You can't do anything.

If you do something, it might fuck it up. But besides that, it's just a person. You've just given them $10 and they're going to take care of you. I think it's like why women like pedicures. It's not because – it's not about their bunions. It's just about – it's amazing that you can give someone some – or strip clubs. You know, strip clubs, 20 percent of that is boobs. Eighty percent of that is you can give someone some money and then it's their job to look out for you.

A hundred percent. You know what I mean? This is why executives go to like BDSM dungeons yeah like so just to relinquish control exactly

so the barbershop is just like a dungeon light do you think that we could start a business for junior and middle executives

you know junior executives middle managers where they cut people's hair we call it an art project and we make

the executives pay I like that and it's they get to feel subservient We call it an art project and we make the executives pay. I like that. And they get to feel subservient. But who gives who the prostate massage? Everybody. It's a daisy chain situation. Yeah, yeah. We're all just cramming something in each other's butts.

Can you imagine the idea of a circle jerk with a circle shave or a circle haircut where you're cutting my hair, but now I'm cutting your hair in front, a different guy, and now there's four of us in a big circle. Kind of like a grooming version of a human centipede. I'm going to throw something into the mix here. You guys can make of it what you will. It's a real-life experience. One of my mom's best friends, this guy called Lino, who was also her hairstylist.

I think it's pronounced Leno. I'm sorry. Anyway, so Jay says to her one day, man, I don't think these bangs are working for you. And so Lino used to have a salon on 16th Street in San Francisco. And he had this hair cutter working for him. And he told me that a couple of years after this, and the hair cutter would often be high. And he said a couple of years later, he was reading Vogue. And in Vogue, there was a story about this hair cutter who had moved to New York, had a barber chair on wheels, and he would drop acid and cut people's hair on the sidewalk. Wow.

And was that part of the allure? Was it this guy's on acid? Yes. Okay. Absolutely. That was a central part of what was going on is what would happen if you cut someone's hair while you drop some acid. So all I'm saying is it could be like we could put this in, like let's say there's another

Lollapalooza. That seems pretty likely, right? I think so. So in the freak out tent- It's all anyone talks about. We have a haircut circle. Uh-huh. And just to cool people out, we give them a little project.

It's cutting the hair. Yeah. You know, worst case scenario, the hair turns into snakes. Sure. They cut the head right off the snake. It's no problem. Someone's been working on these white man dreads for eight years, and then they into this tent you know a little too they just want to they just the bad news you know what i mean i mean you go in there yeah you go it's like listen i still i love my white

person dreads just just clean them up a little bit sure i got a job interview down at the co-op i got this yeah can i tell you the one thing that I love the most about my barber, Jerry, and it was he had, you know, that kind of sign that you buy at the county fair? Like someone is singeing your surname into a piece of wood. Yeah, yeah. It says the Thomas's. It's like, right. It's like what, you know, if your family has like a cabin. Yeah, absolutely.

You make sure to get one of those, a fishing cabin. He had a sign like that that said, bald is beautiful. Hey. And as a man who's on his way to baldness, it was so comforting to me. The most profoundly trite sign. And I think- Well, I don't know if you know anything about carnival ethics, Jesse, but those men at the carnival who, you know, who not solder, but whatever the process is of brand. Yes.

Singeing that into the wood. They cannot do it if it's not true. Right. Really? Yeah. They're journalists in a lot of ways. Yeah. Interesting.

So, I mean, they have to make sure that if they- That would explain why they wouldn't tell me who they voted for. Yeah, they have to remain impartial. I see that. Sure. So, I mean, when they do one of those that says, ask gas or grass, nobody rides for free. Nobody rides for free. No one.

I mean, if you have that on the dash of your truck- You can ride. You can ride. You can ride. But you give out a free ride, they will hunt you down and kill you. I think there is something special about it. Just as you hear, for example, from a lot of mixed race people who are half African American. They have the texture of their hair is something that you have to be familiar with to do a good job cutting. And so they have to look really hard to find a place where the people are comfortable cutting their hair and actually do a good job.

Or in your case, you know, you had a very similar situation. You have very curly hair, Jordan, and you needed to work hard to find a place where you could feel at home. I felt that way in a place for cutting the hair of bald men. And I also liked that the other people were older and balder than I was. That's nice. I mean, do you think that's where Hollywood's bald community comes for haircuts? Do you think you'll see some of the famous bald celebrities? You're talking about Patrick Stewart?

Patrick Stewart. Patrick Stewart's there regularly. Telly Savalas. Bruce Willis. Bruce Willas. Bruce Willis, Telly Savalas. Bruce Willis. Maybe he'll just do an impromptu rock harmonica solo. Demi Moore, circa G.I. Jane. Billy Zane.

Yeah, Billy Zane, absolutely. He's the guy that sort of turned bald at one point, and I didn't know why, and then it just was that from then on. A lot of clowns. Certain clowns. Sure. Yeah. Like a surprising number of clowns. Anyway, I just it's just nice to have a home, isn't it? It is nice. A haircut home. I'm going to get a haircut.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm going to start being like get a haircut once a week. Maybe I'll go back to Richards and if the Hasidic men are reading Playboys. I mean I'm kind of the – That's your demo. I felt like I was kind of like the young buck in there.

I was like the young, hip guy. I think they're used to older guys. I could go in there and just watch some porno vids on my phone. There's a Jerry's barbershop literally across the street from my house. Could not be more convenient. Probably different, Jerry. But I did go in there once and the guy was super chatty. He was an older guy, been around for 50 years, lived in Venice. And I thought maybe this could be my home. This could be the kind of place where I could be a regular. Gotta get a guy. And then here's the thing. He was so friendly and small talky and i

had such a great time i went back to him again second time all the same anecdotes oh see he's got stock anecdotes i didn't have anything new to say you think that he i mean obviously part of it would seem that it would behoove a barber to have regulars you would think that he would have like okay a phase two, like switch to phase two. He maybe didn't recognize me, which, I mean, I don't know how many people a barber sees. It must be two a day minimum. Sure.

Different people. But given your line of work, we should mention you're in the CIA, it's not unusual for people not to recognize you because you may look significantly different. Sometimes I wear dark glasses. Yeah, absolutely. You have a lot of chin putty. Sure. For a while, you were wearing

that false back mustache. It's a mustache on the back of your head to simulate being overweight. I like to tell stories where if it could humiliate me, I claim it's a different person and not myself.

Oh. But yeah, I was heavy, bald, and I had a back mustache I discovered later to my chagrin. That sounds chagrinous. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Hi, everybody. My name is Justin McElroy. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, all the dumb, hurtful, stupid ways that we've tried to fix people over the years. Have you tried to put mercury on your syphilis shanker? Or maybe you tried to drill a hole in your head because you heard it would reduce your blood-brain volume.

It probably didn't work. But the good news is, you're in great company. You can hear all about it every Friday on Sawbones, right here on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. David Malky, enough said. Love you, love you, love you, love you phrase for 7-Eleven, or not 7-Eleven, 7-Up in the 90s. Sure. 7-Up. Enough said. You know who said that? Fido Dido. Poor cool spot.

Yeah. Poor cool spot. He was Slice. Fido Dido was. Oh, he was Slice. Wasn't he Sprite? No, Slice. Okay, Slice.

He was Sprite. I'll fight you on it. Fight, fight, fight. Well, we have a producer for this very reason. Yeah, to look up what lemon lime soda, Fido Dido was the spokesperson for. When I was growing up, I always figured that 7-Up was like, that's what you say when you want a generic lemon lime soda. But when I got to be about, I don't know, 22, I realized 7-Up does not have a big market share. I think it's Sprite. I think

Sprite is the default. Sure. Yeah. I wonder when you're in a bar and you order a 7 and 7 if you're getting actual 7-Up. Probably Sprite. Probably Sprite. Because Sprite Sprite's your Coca-Cola. Right. Exactly. And so it's much more common. And I feel like you might be even getting, you know, like those huge jugs of syrup that

go into soda fountains. Who's like checking the branding on that? I bet it's like a generic brand deal where the slice is just the Sprite from the same factory. Could just be cake batter. Why not, right? People who are drunk don't know the difference

between cake batter and soda. It's just a bunch of yellow dye seven, huh? Right? Is that where the seven comes from? Just a bunch of corn syrup. You're right, Jordan. Hey, Jordan,

did you ever go, did you ever, there was talk that you were going to go to a Weird Al Yankovic-themed burlesque show. Yes. So this was a momentous occasion a few weeks ago. Someone called in and said they had gone to a Weird Al-themed burlesque show.

And I think it was one of those momentous occasions where it's like, wow, that's fascinating. I need more information. Right. I think that was our reaction, if I remember correctly. Because what songs did they do? Right. Right. How weird was Weird Al involved?

Right. That was my first question. Is this a Weird Al doing a burlesque show or just people, fans of Weird Al putting on? Yeah. Is Dr. Demento there? Sure. John Bermuda Schwartz, his longtime drummer. Dr. Demento there.

Sure. John Bermuda Schwartz, his longtime drummer. So then after we did that episode, I got a lot of Facebook and Twitter chatter that that show was coming to L.A. This is a touring show? This is a touring show. Wow. And yeah, and I think that— Horrible. So I thought I should go in the interest of journalism.

Absolutely. I mean, I live by the Carnese code of ethics. So I decided to go. I like Weird Al a lot. I enjoy playful nudity. Sure. Yeah. Among other types.

Sure. Exactly. Aggressive nudity. I'll take some of that. Sad nudity. Sure. Yeah. Among other types. Sure. Exactly. Aggressive nudity. I'll take some of that. Sad nudity. There'd be weird nudity at this. I feel like that would be the draw here. Yeah.

So here's- Parodic nudity. Would it parody other nudity? Nudity that started as a coolio level nudity but turned into something much more innocuous. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

So I went to this and I will say, I'm going to describe some of the things I saw there. I will say that I did not stay for the whole thing. I left at the third intermission. I left during the third intermission. How many intermissions? I left during the third one. Maybe there were more. Is this an overnight event?

Yeah. Is this an overnight event? Yeah. Is this a lockdown? Is this like in Youth Group when they made you watch all the Back to the Future movies? Is this just an open call? Yeah. I don't know what this was. I think it seems to me like the world of burlesque is a little bit like the world of improv and that mainly the people there watching it are also people who do it and maybe the performer is a little more doted on than the audience.

That being said, length aside, my main complaint was length. And I didn't leave with a bad taste in my mouth. I left when I'm like, I feel like I've had a lot of fun. Time not to get cranky. It was a little hot in there too. That left when I'm like, I feel like I've had a lot of fun. Time not to get cranky. It was a little hot in there too. That's not any of the naked ladies' fault. So they were not hot ladies? No, they were,

well, I guess maybe their body heat was contributing to the heat in the room. Right. So yes, I do blame the naked ladies. Okay. How dare you? Anyway, so it was, it was every, all the naked ladies did their dance to a Weird Al song.

Was it a different song for every naked lady? Every naked lady had a different song. So here's what – the first lady that went up was the host. Right. And she just kind of did a sexy burlesque dance to White and Nerdy. Oh, I should also mention the name of the show was Titan Nerdy. Ah, okay. It was a lot of fun.

And she did not really do anything that had to do with the song or the video, which, as I remember, includes Drew Carey. Sure. So there's all... So Drew Carey wasn't even there? Drew Carey wasn't even there. Was there anyone doing a drew carrie impersonation no no one even played plinko so uh and so i was part of me was like okay i'm a little disappointed that there's there's not more thematics involved in this but she was exceptionally good at being a naked lady. Okay. This is maybe – I mean it was a lot of butt shaking.

It was really, really good. So my disappointment was brief. Right. Very brief. This is some exemplary naked ladying that this woman did. I guess she pulled – oh, she also read every – she pulled out some library cards out of her bra at some point, like some file cabinet cards, some Dewey Decimal cards. I don't know what that was supposed to be. I loved it though.

Basically 20 seconds after I was disappointed that there wasn't more thematics, I was just on board. It was great. So then – let's see. What was the next thing? The next thing, so the next couple things were all a lot of like late period Weird Al, which I am not that familiar with. Right. Well, you're not a 12-year-old.

Sure, exactly. Yeah, I wanted the Weird Al songs from my generation. Sure, yeah. I wanted- My Bologna. My Bologna, Yoda. Dare to Be Stupid was the one that I was definitely the most disappointed that they didn't do. Sure. Yeah. One called Bob where Weird Al sings in a Bob Dylan voice but everything's a palindrome. So this woman had a bunch of palindromes written on cards, tossed them aside, did a sexy dance and had a lot of like Weird Al stuff written on her. Pretty good.

Wait. So she just had them on cards? Yeah. Did she read them out loud? No. I mean Weird Al was singing them. When you say cards, you mean like big cue cards? Yeah, big cue cards.

Not like little note cards? Oh, no. Yeah, right. She wasn't checking them for ringers. She just went up to everyone and showed them to us. This is a man of plan, et cetera. Right, exactly. And then when it said a canal, it pointed to her. I was going to say, was there a metaphor involved?

No. That was pretty good. The next one was Trapped in the Drive-Thru, which is Weird Al's Trapped in the Closet. Right. This woman had hand puppets, which acted out some of the dialogue in the song. Can I interrupt you here? You may. When I think hand puppet, I don't necessarily think sensuality.

You know, you'd be surprised. Let's say you're in sex therapy. Sure, exactly. You can't learn to really give yourself over to another person physically until you fucked a puppet. If I learned anything. It's sort of like a training wife. Exactly. That sort of big hole in the bottom of it.

That's why as kids we all jacked off to Sesame Street. Right. I mean, but I don't need to tell you guys that. Well, I didn't jack. I jacked off to Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. No, that's the last puppet. Lady Elaine Fairchild. Lady Elaine, sure, yeah.

Who was the cat that went- She's so bossy. Yeah, right? Ugh. I want to cut her hair. Henry had a pussy cat. Yeah, right? Am I right?

Mm-hmm. I still can't hear that musical sting and this is made possible by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting without getting at least a semi. Sure, sure. The Chubb Group, right? Right? Right? You got it. Yeah.

So, yeah, that was pretty good. It was very high energy. I'm going to save. So next came Fat, and I'm going to save it for last because it was easily the best. I just presumed. I mean, when you hear Weird Al themed burlesque show, the only thing that you have to be completely confident will be included is that song. Sure. An empowering rendition of that song. Right.

So anyways, then they got into some more classic stuff. A woman did Spam, a parody of Stand, R-E-M, Stand. She was in a giant Spam can and was kind of peeling it off gradually. And then she did a little thing where the pop top came off. And she's like, oh, no, I guess I can't be naked. And then someone brings out a giant pen knife and then she opened it up and she was naked. That was pretty good. I enjoyed that.

There was definitely the largest dancer of the night did something to This Is The Life. And she just kind of did a fan dance. What's This Is The Life? This Is The Life was the movie, of did a fan dance. What's This Is The Life? This Is The Life was the movie the song written specifically for Johnny Dangerously. The Michael Keaton movie. Wow, that's a deep cut. Yes.

It was a deep cut. I appreciated it. She didn't know Did anybody do anything from Rotterdam 87? What's that? You you know march 13th 1987 that's just one of my favorite boots oh okay no uh um but yeah she didn't know dialogue from johnny dangerously just a fan dance but did a pretty good job um uh but here uh here was here

was fat and this was one of the more amazing performances that I've seen. So she comes out in a – like Weird Al from the video. She's kind of in a hoodie, and there's all that dialogue from the video. And it reminded me of how funny it is in that video where that guy goes, ding-dong, man, ding-dong. I remember – and she kind of mimes out all the dialogue. Ding dong, man. Ding dong. I remember – and she kind of mimes out all the dialogue. And then the thing starts and she just kind of starts dancing and it's the least choreographed dancing that we've seen.

It's just – it's frantic. It's high energy and she's dancing in this kind of hooded sweatshirt. She unzips the hooded sweatshirt, takes it off and she's wearing a gimp outfit underneath. And I guess I will say it's a gimp outfit rather than a bodysuit because it had a butthole zipper oh okay so she dances around in the gimp outfit for a while unzips it and what has been making her fat underneath the kind of padding in the gimp suit is like uh 30 bags of cheetos and chips so she throws all the cheetos and chips. So she throws all the Cheetos and chips into the audience and underneath this so she's taking off this skimp suit and underneath

she's wearing like a red Sonia chainmail bikini. So and then she Did she just end up with like the last stuff left in the costume trunk? I think the impression that I get about burlesque is that you have like a – that can't be cheap to get all those clothes.

Right. You know, all those clothes. Those chips are a dollar each. Yeah, right? Well, I was going to say I bet you have a stock burlesque outfit that you can kind of dress up and dress down as needed. So was it an extra large gimp outfit to fit all of this extra padding? I don't think this was her gimp outfit because unless she regularly gimps- Maybe borrowed that from a larger friend.

Yeah, sure. A larger gimp. There's probably like an exchange. Yeah. Like a free cycle. Well, I definitely know like being in the world of sketch comedy, you'll see on Facebook every now and then like, hey, need some prop guns for a show or- Who's got a crossbow?

Exactly, yeah. And I think probably the world of burlesque is the same if we're drawing comedy parallels. It's probably, hey, who's got a gimp? A crossbow. A gimp outfit that I can stuff with chips. That has been clean since the last time. So she's in this Xena outfit. If the question is who's got a crossbow the answer is Bo Jackson

I don't think he does crossbows I think it's like um I think it's like regular yeah I think it's like crossbow archery yeah I will probably have to watch that Bo Jackson documentary again oh no how could we do that don't throw me in the briar patch Jordan sorry you're saying that Bo knows bows he does that's Bo jackson's thing now yeah he's super into archery wow i think he probably got into it for the pun first and then it's like yeah everyone was saying hey you should know about this yeah he's like all right originally he was going to do the martial arts weapon but sure that was genuinely terrifying he is a huge and muscled man. So she's in this, you know, chain mail thing. I didn't see anyone bring it on stage,

but then I noticed that there was a tetherball pole on stage now. She attached one of the bags of chips to the tetherball pole and then stabbed at it with a knife. Oh, wow, like a pinata. I mean, it started out like kind of a faithful burlesque rendition of the song and then just turned into nonsense anarchy. It's the thing she wanted to do. Yeah. The story she wanted to tell.

Sure. About Tetherball. I have never been to a burlesque show. However, from your descriptions and descriptions I've read online, the more I hear about it, the more I think that it's sort of like a summer camp talent show with a nudity element. You know, there's like I mean, like improv, there are various levels of it, I think. And I think that there are I feel like I have seen the burlesque equivalent of ASCAT, of Convoy. I think there are some people who are very good at it. But then I think that there is also a hobbyist. I once saw the burlesque equivalent of Bass Prov.

Just to say it was just a whole burlesque show. It was just two fat middle-aged guys pretending to fish. Sure. But it was so sexy. I mean the sexiness that they get out of that. Yeah. So, yeah. So, yes, I think it runs the gamut of – and, yeah, I think – and I feel like I saw a lot of different stuff.

I feel like I saw a lot of people who were great at it and I just feel like I saw a lot of clear hobbyists. And definitely tetherball Cheetos stabbing was the number one thing that I saw. I once saw the burlesque equivalent of TJ and Dave. It was TJ and Dave doing burlesque. No improv. No improv. Probably some improvised movements. I once saw the burlesque equivalent of The Facebook Show, which was just the people on stage making fun of people in the audience for their Facebooks.

Great. But there was no nudity. These are all popular improv shows that I'm sure the audience has seen. Everyone knows about all the different improv shows. Of course they do. Right? You've all been to DCM, right? The Don't Close Marathon?

The Hollywood Fringe? Is that a thing? Yeah. What's interesting to me is it seems like these acts incorporate one thematic element and a variety of things that have nothing to do with the fact that they're dancing to Weird Al. Are you saying that this might be a gimmick, Jesse? It seems a little gimmicky. Are you impugning the integrity of the Weird Al burlesque show?

Wait a minute. Yeah. I mean, and again, I think some people prepared more for this and some people just kind of coasted on the fact that they were hot naked ladies. You know, kudos to both of them. What do you think Weird Al would have thought? Hard to say what Weird Al would have thought. He seems I mean, he seems to be a guy who loves fun. Sure.

He loves that, you know, kind of swinging 60s aesthetic that I think burlesque comes from. I definitely think he tries to distance himself somewhat from adult content. I do too. Specifically. That's mine. He's a family man. He is. Family songs, doesn't swear.

Lovely adopted dog, a rescue dog. Oh, okay. That said, if somebody, like if you're a musician and you've had a long and storied career and you have people who respect your work and they say – some small set of them say, we're going to do a thing where we play your music and then we get naked on the thing and everyone has a good time, God bless you. I feel like it's probably the right kind of answer. Yeah, sure. I think there could be a Jordan Jesse Go burlesque show. I mean I think there could be a podcasting-themed burlesque show. I don't know that there's enough material here

to fill out the four-hour show, which burlesque fans obviously demand. That's the standard. Do you think the problem is there's just not enough gimp suits? Yeah, maybe. But yeah, I mean, I think you could bring in other podcasts.

I think there could be a Stuff You Should Know dancer. Right. Yeah. Could be a sexy Hodgman. Sure. I think we would all like to see that. Yeah. Finally.

Judge Robe. Sure, yeah, Judge Robe. Cavill. Yeah. And maybe they could have an argument with sexy Justin Long. Red Sonja chainmail bikini. Mm-hmm. My assumption is they all have that. Yeah, I mean, this is just a veneer over the top of, like, a gimp suit andja chainmail bikini. My assumption is they all have that. Yeah, I mean, this is just

a veneer over the top of, like, a gimp suit and a chainmail bikini. Like, the outer, like, in your case, the hoodie could be the judge robe or whatever. And then once you're past level one, it's just the burlesque show we were going to do anyway. Sure. Well, I'm glad that we

learned about this. Yeah. If anybody else knows of any momentous occasion things coming to the area that I could do, I would be happy to do them. Well, that one lady's probably still giving out samples at the Trader Joe's by your house. Oh, yeah. I could go there. Go there. I saw something that was not as codified as a Weird Al burlesque show, but it maybe had some elements that were similarly weird. It was a strip club that Weird Al was at.

He was wearing dark glasses to hide his identity. But still his signature Hawaiian shirt. His signature Hawaiian shirt and his long, voluminous hair. This was in a subway station in New York, and as you know, there are street performers periodically in subway stations, panhandling and so on. Busking, I believe, is probably the artistic term for it. And this guy was youngish, I would say early 20s, and screeching and wailing on a harmonica and writhing up and down on the ground,

like doing sort of the inchworm thing and jumping up and down. And then he had a hat full of finger puppets. And at one point he had the pieces of a baby doll where the head of the baby was on his middle finger. And then his ring and his index finger had the hands of the baby. His pinky and his thumb had the feet of the baby. And he would make it crawl, like, on the ground. And then as everyone is, like, wide-eyed looking at this guy, wailing on a harmonica and later a kazoo, that was his next number, he's, like, going up to people and, like, making the baby

dance on their faces. Right. And everyone is watching this because it's incredible. And I'm glad that I got to saw it because it's something that's not likely to be repeated. He had a big sign next to his his hat that said support street art and the S's were dollar signs. So this was clearly somebody trying to be deliberately provocative and but completely weird in a way that was also strangely non-threatening. It was just like, look at that 22-year-old just having the time of his life. He thinks that's so charming.

What's interesting to me is at the end of a performance, was he playing the harmonica with one of those headsets? No, he just had it in his mouth. So there was no variation in the notes. Yeah, yeah. Somebody's doing that dance. It's physical. They're finger puppeting. He needs to get Bruce Willis there to play the harmonica for him, I think.

At the end of it, he finishes. I like the idea of somebody giving a little applause, going in their wallet, getting a dollar. Sure. And putting it in the hat. Well, of course, because. That's worth a dollar. Sure. Everybody in the station had their phones out because this was the weirdest thing.

Well, of course, because everybody in the station had their phones out because this was the weirdest thing. And I felt bad because now everybody is sort of like it's a little bit intrusive to just be like taping the guy, I suppose. So I made sure I went and gave him a dollar. And then I took my vine of him after that. And so he did. By the time we were waiting there, he finished the harmonica song and went to the kazoo song. So he clearly had a set. I'm sure he was going to be there all night.

And he had hand puppets at one point where the baby doll hand was on a hand puppet and then he was humping the hand puppet for a while. And when the train finally came after 10 minutes, we just left him in the station. He might still be there today. So what's interesting about this is that when you describe it, it would seem to me that maybe this is not – if you were just to describe the performance, I would think that like this isn't a classical violinist. This isn't a bucket drummer, a break dancer, like maybe somebody who kind of needs to do this. Like this is someone who's doing it because it's performance art. I believe that is the case.

It's certainly possible that he could have gotten a job at Starbucks but chose not to because it wants to be an artist and is in New York. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure that maybe once his graduation money runs out, this is the kind of guy who will move back in with his parents for a couple of months while he gets his shit together. Very possible. What's interesting though is that he had a sign explicitly saying that he wanted money.

Yeah. I'm like, oh, wow. I guess there are more commercial forms of street performance you can do. I think, I mean, that's the whole Amanda Palmer argument, too, right? Where it's like you can do your art, but you can also ask for money to do it. Sure. And there's a way to do that and not be shy about it that, well, I gave him a dollar, you know.

And it's because partially I felt that I should because if I'm going to take video of him or, you know, whatever. But I also wanted to support him just because it's something that was interesting. Like, I enjoyed the 10 minutes watching him. It was sexy. It was a little arousing, absolutely. I was there with my wife and she snuggled a little closer to me, which I assume is from arousal

and not being threatened at all. Well, yeah. I mean, I don't know what women do. It's hard to say. This guy was... They're cooking clean if they know what's good for them. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. He's just telling it like it is. Sorry. He's just not pulling any punches. Sorry. I don't- Did you expect us to pull- I don't kowtow to the PC police. Yeah.

My mistake. I've been living at home for the last two weeks without my wife, and she is visiting her family. And I have not lived alone for this amount of time in my own home. I've been on trips, but on my own home. And I've been using one plate and one fork. And I had a pan that I would just sort of use every day to make a hamburger. Making your daily burger. Yeah.

And then when I ran out of hamburgers, I just kept looking for other stuff in the fridge. Give us this day our daily burger. Yeah. And then when I ran out of hamburgers, I just kept looking for other stuff in the fridge. Give us this day our daily burger. After a while, I realized, and this is just a statement of fact, that I haven't chosen to do the laundry in probably 10 years. Like it's always been – I've done it, but it's always been – Pure necessity. Well, my wife has always said like, hey, do the laundry. Let's do the laundry. Or I'm going to do the laundry.

Will you help me do the laundry? Fine. But in terms of making a decision to like i'm out of clothes i should i should put them in a basket and take them i hadn't gotten that the entire train of actions to result in clean clothes from a to z i hadn't done it myself uh i only ever sort of done pieces of it like oh will you change the put in the dryer okay i'll that. Let me ask you this. What's your – has your entertainment diet changed without somebody else in the house? I would say yes. I also –

I would imagine it's pornier. Well, I'm used to being on my own during the day because I work in my office and then she's usually at work when she's around. And without her there after work to have dinner or whatever, I will just stay at the office. And then it'll be 2 in the morning and I'll be like, oh, I guess I'll go back and go back to the house, go into bed. I guess I should feed some cats. No one else did that today. So it is stranger to be – to not have that structure of like, I guess I got to go home. So if I don't have that, I'll just stay here and not be in this apartment at all.

Are you doing any aimless wandering? I'm doing a lot of aimless staring, like more than I expected. Oh, huh. I think the lack of structure in general is disorienting to me. And there are days when people work in my office and I have to go there to meet them. And those days are great. And the days where I have to be someplace like here, it's great. Come on out.

We're happy we could provide some structure. This has been a really important part of my day, guys. We're going to ask you to do our laundry afterwards. I need a hamburger. I'm a professional at all of those things. But it's – What are you going to do after this? What's your plan?

My plan is – I should say we're doing this kind of on a Monday afternoon. Sure. I have to go to my P.O. box and pick up some packages. That'll be fun. I got to buy some envelopes for the greeting cards that I'm packaging in my office tomorrow. And so it helps to have some kind of things. But in my defense or my accusation, I suppose,

those were things I was going to do before I came here. And I didn't. Because you were staring. Because I was just staring. At pornography. Well, lots of things. Sure. You only stare at pornography for so long.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. I can only stare at pornography for so long. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. David Malky. Enough said.

Hey, we got something up on the Jumbotron this week. It's from our friend Jay Frosting. He is the proprietor of a series called Us Weekly Digest. Here's the deal. I don't know if you guys have ever taken a look at Us Weekly. Sure. I mean, when I'm on a plane and I just need to zone out, you know, when I just need to just turn my brain off, when I'm really interested to see what stars look like without makeup. Sure. Those are two perfect situations. A third would be if you're Jay Jay Frosting and you're preparing to host the program, Us Weekly Digest. Basically,

Jay, every week, reads Us Weekly and then summarizes it and adds his own some might say caustic commentary and records it for posterity and for your enjoyment. Hey, that's really nice. It's a very fun, very neat thing.

I watched one. Somebody on our forum was a big fan of it that was not Jay. And so I watched it. It was very amusing. Just Google Us Weekly Digest. Us Weekly Digest. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. want to get up on the jumbotron go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron i will also note that uh the seconds are ticking away for booking your birth on the atlantic ocean comedy and music

festival cruise you can go to boatparty.biz we just added wyatt snack and the great wyatt snack we have all kinds of amazing performers john darnielarnielle of the Mountain Goats, Nellie Mackay, John Roderick. Just a whole smorgasbord of entertainment for you on that cruise. It's out of Miami in September. Get on it. If you want to go...

When you say, just to clarify, booking your birth, do you mean there will be a doula on board? Yes. We'll have a doula and a midwife. I mean, it's ideal to have a baby born at sea because then it has dual citizenship. Right. With America and the sea. And the sea.

Right. We'll have a doula and a midwife because we're very serious about midwifery. One of each. What about an orca? We will have an orca on board. One of each. What about an orca? We will have an orca on board.

We'll have an orca, a beluga, a narwhal. Any baleen whales. These are all toothed whales that you've been mentioning. There's absolutely no chance there will be a baleen whale. Wow. Racist. Geez. I was also- I hate krill.

Speaking of the crews, I was just- Well, then you would love baleen whales. They basically just kill krill all day long. No, I hate krill. Speaking of the Krill, I was just— Well, then you would love baleen whales. They basically just kill krill all day long. No, he loves krill. Why would he want to kill krill? No, I hate krill. Oh. And I hate krill eaters.

Oh. It's disgusting. Everything having to do with krill. Yeah, it's sickening. You just wish krill didn't exist. I go, oh, God. If I could wipe krill off the face of the earth right now, I would. Well, I hate to see what that would do to, you know, underground seaweed forests. There you go.

I was just speaking with Holly over at Topotica. They're going to supply a library of books for the entertainment of people on the cruise to peruse while at sea. That's nice. And then, I guess, raffle them off for something for people to take home as well. Yeah. I think this is going to be... Getting a bet on this sucker is going to be the best decision you ever made.

Oh, kelp forest. That's what I was thinking of. Kelp forests. Jordan. Sorry. Will you guys be sailing through a kelp forest? Think about your priorities right now. Okay.

Where's your priority? Making sure people come on this cruise and have a good time or kelp forests? Well, making sure that I could remember the thing I was thinking of. Who the fuck are you? Captain Planet? Yeah. You are? Yeah.

Sorry, secret identity. Oh, jeez. Oh, boy. I'm glad you apologized to your secret identity for jettisoning it. Sorry, dude. See you later. But seriously, I think if you decide to come on this cruise, it will be the best decision you ever make. And I want to make one other thing clear, which is, you know, people, you don't have to come bring your family.

You can come solo on this cruise. Sure. You want to make new best friends? Yeah. This is the kind of structured social environment where you are guaranteed to make new best friends because you're both going to be laying out

by the pool. Sure. Catching some rays. If your wife's not there, you can just make a hamburger. Sure. Yeah, stare. Stare at anything you want.

You bet. Pick up some envelopes. You got it. And while you're picking stuff up, why don't you pick up a few old ladies? Am I right?

Mm-hmm. Yum, yum. How about enjoy the company of a baleen whale? Yeah. You I right? Yum, yum. Enjoy the company of a baleen whale. You will not do that, though. Fuck a humpback, am I right? That's right. Hump's there for something. Whatever you want, man.

It's your day. Boatparty.biz. Whatever you want, man. It's your day. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Do you think they caught the end of that fart noise I was making? I hope they did. I was really good. They did, yeah. I'm David Malky. Enough said. David Malky, I mentioned that you're a best-selling author. You also have a new book about to hit stores.

We do, very, very shortly. Game of Death, number two. No. You Know How You Will Die. Machine of Death. Right. This Is How You Die. Machine of Death, exclamation mark.

No. This is how you die, question mark? If you put that in, you'll still get the right thing. So, yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Now, this is a spinoff of your best-selling board game. The board game is a spinoff of the first book, and this is a separate sequel to the first. The web is not that complicated, but it also does not matter if you don't understand it fully.

You should just read it and enjoy it. It's really good. It's got a bunch of short stories. After people read the first book, a lot of people said, I wish I knew about this. I would have submitted a story. So we said, why not? Let's do it. Do another one.

And we opened submissions, and we got almost 2,000 submissions from people living on every continent, even Antarctica. And then from there we picked our favorite 31 stories to go in this book. People are polar bears. This was a guy who was on some kind of mission to Antarctica. He sent us a picture next to a mountain. So was he on his way to Antarctica or was he in Antarctica? He was – at the time he sent us the story, he sent it from Antarctica.

Okay. It was post office marked Antarctica. There was a polar bear on the stand. Actually, that's Arctic probably. When you say he was on a mission to Antarctica, you mean a Mormon mission? I think he was there to convert the penguins. Well, they are godless.

No, penguins are monogamous. They're like the most moral birds. But they don't have a sense of the angel Morani. Like they don't know anything about that stuff. And their only true god is the sardine. Sure. So there's a lot of details that have to still be conveyed in the appropriate squeaks and grunts. I'm excited about this book.

to still be conveyed in the appropriate squeaks and grunts. I'm excited about this book. Last time you put out a book, you had a big comedy show where I got to read a short story that appeared on a podcast. I thought that was a lot of fun. Yeah, it was a really good show. And if people are not familiar with the first book, you can listen to the podcast and hear Jesse's voice and get all caught up. It sounds good.

I mean, I'm not... It sounds good. It's rich, mellifluous. Yeah. Just a hint of rasp. Sure, to show that you've lived. Like Janis Joplin. It gives you confidence to make your purchasing decision.

Absolutely. It's a lot like Jon Hamm in those Lincoln advertisements. Sure. You know what we're talking about? It's a luxury upscale experience. You can sink into it like it's like a velvety bathtub last time you made the last time you made the you were number one on amazon that's right the day it launched that's right um which let's be honest that's a system

that's born to be gamed it is there was a little bit of a gimmick to it we still didn't know if we could muster the scale required to properly gimmick it um but it was it little bit of a gimmick to it. We still didn't know if we could muster the scale required to properly gimmick it. But it was sort of a— Then you went into your car to use the Weird Al theme. Right. So we had the Weird Al-themed Amazon launch party slash burlesque show. And people came, and they dressed up in chain mail and put Cheetos in their clothes and then bought the book at the end of the night. Should we start a Weird Al food truck?

I mean, it would be a huge success. It would be a huge success. Right. Yeah. I feel like there would have to be some licensing involved. But how do you top that, David? I guess that's my question. Now that you're already an Amazon bestselling author, how could you possibly beat that?

Well, the reason we went to Amazon was because we were self-publishing the book and we were able to get everybody's support behind us to say, hey, these guys are trying something and independent and let's send a message to show that this is something worthwhile. And we did that. We accomplished that goal. worthwhile. And we did that. We accomplished that goal. And what that meant was that for the second book, we have a publisher behind us who believes in the book as much as we do. And it's in every bookstore. It's in Barnes & Noble. It's in all your independent bookshops if they choose to stock it. So you don't have to- If they've got a cat in the bookstore, they've also got your book. They definitely have it. It's probably- Next to the cat. On the shelf next to the cat.

Also, I could see how you would want to work through Amazon because then you can be associated with whatever two weird Friday the 13th movies they have streaming on Amazon Prime or Amazon Instant. Those links are very important for branding purposes. Being associated with two lesser Friday the 13th movies. Any of them. Any of them. I will take what I can get at that point because... Jason Takes Manhattan? That's the one where he punches the guy's head off?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Give me that one. And it goes in the dumpster. Does Orson Welles have a cameo at the end of that? You're thinking of Corey Feldman. But what we're doing with this book is we have all these contributors who sent us stories, and they're all really great.

And we are so thrilled to have the opportunity to share it with people that we want to make all of these contributors into New York Times bestselling authors. Even Antarctica guy? Well, he's not making the book. Okay. He submitted the story, but it was okay. So how does that work? How are you going to achieve that goal? So the way that they tabulate those results—

You have to buy them from the New York Times, from David Carr. You have to show up in New York, yeah. So you just find him. He's in a cab. Right. The sales reports are tabulated over the course of a week. And so we think our best chance is going to be the week of the book's release, which is to say the week ending July 20th, or any time before that, because everything before that counts toward that first week. Okay. Right. Sure.

John Pirelli's. What's the – we know Elvis Mitchell, obviously, but there was – He got fired. He was not there anymore. He has to give back his copies then. Okay. So he will probably – his skills will not report. You're thinking of Bill Cunningham anyway. That's what I'm thinking.

So that's our little window, and we got the publisher to let us make a little video. And that's up on our website. And it's really fun. And we just want people to check out this book and help get the work of all these really great authors out there to as many people as possible. It's weird. Because I'm not in the book. I don't think I'm in the book. You are not in the book.

Seems like an error on your part. It is not an error. Looking back, is there anything that you would change about the process of putting this book together? I would retain, I would keep on not including you. But it's just because you didn't do anything to, you didn't write a story, you didn't do an illustration. You could have interviewed me for it. I mean, I could have done a lot of things. You could have done a one-pager.

I think it's just one-pager. You could have done a photo essay of me at home. Yeah. Sent over a photographer. Yeah. These things are all definitely on theme for the book. Looking back at it, I would have – Did you even have a photographer?

We – If you don't, Jordan has his own photographer that you can use. He usually uses for shoots like this. What is your photographer's name? What's your hair and makeup budget? Every dime that we spend on something like that means we have to sell like 40 books to make that money back. So it'd have to really be worth it. And it's a calculus that I don't know.

I don't know if you've seen me at home, but it's worth it. It is a beautiful home. Is it palatial? Yeah, I mean, there's like, I mean, you've heard of The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? I've heard of it.

This is where they got the inspiration for that. Oh, okay. I do feel like there is a really good book that's about you being at home in your palatial Babylonian garden estate. Can I spitball a name for it? Sure. Game of Death. Colon.

Colon. Cradle of Civilization. Definitely. We'll use the word. We'll spell out the word colon, I think. Can we write the whole thing in CUNY form? Game of Death colon is the name of the book. And there will be an extensive photo essay featuring yourself.

And then we will have a couple pictures of Jordan's house. Thank you. And then we'll Photoshop you into Jordan's house. So it looks like that's where you are. Get a few shots of our colons. Just get in there. A couple of those, get some of that

medical scanning technology. You don't need a scanner. No, just shove an iPhone up my butt. I'm tired of you saying that to me. We definitely want people to be able to

download this book for their Kindle and then have an accurate file they can feed into a 3D printer so they can get a reverse image of your colon. See, Dave, this is simple. Yeah. I mean, you probably feel a little silly you didn't do this. This is new media.

For this book, it's definitely 3D printed reverse colons. I think so, too. You know what? At the end of the day, if you're looking to capture social media buzz, you're going to need social media superstars. What does that mean? That means Gary Vanderchuk. That means Jordan Morris. That means Ashton Kutcher. That means Jesse Thorne. So that's going to be your top four goals for when you write the sequel to this book. Okay. Those four people, send the photographer over there. So you guys have committed your colons already.

Can we assume that those others will be forthcoming? Well, when the check clears, my colon will mark it off on its calendar. But right now, if this is just kind of a handshake agreement thing, I don't think I can commit my colon because then it'll lose other work. So you're saying a handshake with your colon has no value. Your colon has to be paid. Well, I'm not in business with, for example, my barber. You know what I mean?

Just because someone shook hands with my colon. Do you pay him in advance or you pay him at the end when services are rendered? He pays me for the use of my image and the ability to shake hands with my colon, the opportunity. Let's take some calls, shall we? That's great. Whenever something momentous happens to you, the listener, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN,

206-984-4FUN, or email us at jjgoeatmaximumfun.org. Let's run out the first call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, charmingly awkward awkward guest My name's Nate I'm in Wisconsin And I have a momentous occasion I am

In a lift in a cherry picker 60 feet off the ground Videotaping a Corn maze being made I'm kind of scared It's windy up here videotaping a corn maze being made. I'm kind of scared. It's windy up here. But I love you guys.

Keep going. I'm plugging it in like crazy. Love you. Bye. He sure said, I love you a lot. He's real drunk. That's more than I've heard that in years. What is he plugging in?

He's plugging in his immortal power. Oh, okay. Yeah. Interesting. Do you think that's the highest altitude from which we've ever been called? Yeah, probably so. We got that one call from the Matterhorn, but it was just the Matterhorn at Disneyland. Yeah.

Is that higher than a cherry picker, I wonder? Wait, does it matter above ground level? Because if you're on a mountain, the elevation, sea level elevation is high, but you may be at ground level at that point. Oh, yeah. 60 feet, that's about the height of 10 men stacked on top of each other. Sure. Or approximately eight Sean Bradleys stacked on top of each other. Sounds about right.

As long as their feet are on the one below's head and not shoulders. Where else would you put them? If you put it on the shoulders, the weight is pushing outward. They're going to get sloping shoulders. He's not waiting for this corn to grow, right? He's not up there for a season. Do you think this is like a

Julia Butterfly type thing? He's up there trying to save the cherry pickers. I don't know what that is. Remember she locked herself into a tree? Nope. Come on. Did you go to UC Santa Cruz or not?

Dude, I was baked most of the time, man. I can't remember shit I learned up there. I think he's trying to save the cherry pickers. I think he's got himself handcuffed to the cherry pickers. Oh, okay. So you think that they want to tear down the cherry pickers and put up some condos. Exactly. Exactly.

What role does the corn maze play in this drama? You think it's just a cover? Yeah, it's just a cover. It's just there. Yeah. It's like something to watch. While he's up there, he'll film a corn maze. It's something for the local politicos to point to.

Sure. Do you think they plant corn in a pattern or they have a cornfield that they then carve out? Holy shit. You just blew my fucking mind, David. Yeah. Oh, my God. How does the corn maze get there? Right.

Because if you have a field of corn, you can make a maze in a day probably. But if you have to let it grow, it's going to take a season. How long does it take corn to go from kernel to maize height? And has anyone ever thought of calling it a corn maze, M-I-Z-E? Well, that would confuse all the Native Americans because they would just be coming for corn corn. Right. Let's listen to our next call. Hi, Jordan, Jordan Jesse and Jess

this is Ezra calling from North Philadelphia I was sitting on a stoop earlier today in front of my friend's apartment which is a common activity in North Philadelphia and

I saw a little African-American child riding a giant white horse unaccompanied except for another little African-American child banging on a bass drum following him down the street. Nothing else. That's it. Anyway, I'll let you know. Thanks. Bye. you know. Thanks.

Bye. Fucking beautiful. Yeah. Do you, well, was there, to be fair, there was the two kids

and then there was the indie documentary crew trailing. Right, exactly. I just, we'll throw this out there. Is it possible

that this is the apocalypse? That's one of the horsemen? Yeah, coming riding on the white horse. Oh, could be. And it's just making his way. Maybe the four are coming from other places.

We'll hear more reports. Then they're going to get together in Kansas. I think the surprise here is that the apocalypse sounds so cute. Yeah. I thought we all thought it would be terrifying or majestic or awe-inspiring. It does sound striking as well. But it's momentous, clearly. Is the kid with the bass drum, is he another horseman of the apocalypse or does he just-

Probably the angel Gabriel. Yeah. No, you're right. Is it possible that the British are coming? No, I don't think so. I think we're a representative democracy. Yeah. They're too busy waiting for the royal baby to get born.

That's a good point. They probably wouldn't invade. They hadn't factored in the royal baby. Yeah. That sounds great. I wish I could see more people riding around. You know what, though? I don't. Whenever I see someone riding around on a horse in Bur Baby. Yeah. That sounds great. I wish I could see more people riding around. You know what, though? I don't.

Whenever I see someone riding around on a horse in Burbank, I guess if it was a little child. Yeah. Whenever I see somebody riding around on a horse in Los Angeles,

I'm like, come on. It's fucking Los Angeles. Get out of here with that horse bullshit. You know what I mean? Go on some fucking Celebrity's Ranch in Montana. Get a nice Prius.

Yeah. Get yourself a... Fewer emissions. Get a nice Prius. Yeah. Get yourself a- Fewer emissions. Get a little scooter if you want. Yeah, that's fun. Don't get a moped. I don't like mopeds. What's an acceptable scooter?

Vespa. Okay. I'm okay with a Vespa. Okay. A Honda like a Devo type Honda, like an 86, like a red 86 Honda. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. That's another acceptable. A Lambretta. Yeah. like a red 86 Honda. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. That's another acceptable.

A Lambretta? Yeah. Certainly a Lambretta. Yeah. A horse is such an offensive. Apparently, by the way, I'm a mod. Yeah. Not a rocker.

Yeah. The horse is such like a fuck you of a pet because it's a pet that doesn't even live at your house. Yeah. You have to like rent out another house for your pet to live in. I mean, I guess unless you live on a ranch in Montana or something and you actually have a stable. But yeah, it's weird. Like when just a rich person has a horse, it's like, oh, yeah, but it lives somewhere else that I pay for.

That's like having a helicopter though. It doesn't stay at your house. I mean, I guess if your house is sufficiently big enough. Sure. Would you characterize a horse as a pet? I guess you go and spend time with it. Maybe it's not a working horse. Sure. Would you characterize a horse as a pet? I guess you go and spend time with it. Maybe it's not a working horse. Yeah.

I think in this case, the horse is definitely a pet. And it definitely- These kids were headed out to the fields. Maybe. Maybe they're going out to plow. I mean, what are the things you do with a pet? If you go to a dog park, is this the equivalent to take your horse out to the horse park? I'll tell you.

My wife's cousin, Sarah, she's got this horse. It doesn't belong to her. It belongs to some rich dude. But it's her job to go hang out with this horse. She has a regular job too. But instead of owning a horse and having to pay $5,000 a month to keep it in notes, she gets paid to just go out there once a day and ride

this horse around and give it some oats. Yeah, it seems like that's, I mean, unless this is a racing thoroughbred or something like that, it seems like you're paying someone to do what you're paying to do yourself to the horse. It's like renting a prostitute and then paying someone else to fuck it.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Internationally. Okay. International Jordan Jesse Go Month. I'm going to get Boutros Boutros Ghali on the phone. Sure. Wow. I'm going to run this by him, get his imprimatur. Mm-hmm.

Note that that's not an English language word. We're going to make August International Jordan Jesse Go Month. Well, I guess we are going international. I guess we are doing shows internationally. I just had a good idea, by the way. Okay. Make your favorite Jordan Jesse Go video

to put on YouTube. Okay. You can use clips from any Jordan Jesse Go. Send it to JJ Go. Oh, nothing with my voice, though. You don't give people permission to use your voice? I don't. You can use your voice or the guest's voice. So what should they put in their own voice?

And just cut it around. What about one of those animation websites where you type in text and then the robots speak to each other and it makes an animation? Oh yeah, do that. Yeah, I want my voice to be a robot voice. You can use Jordan's voice. You can use my voice. You can use my voice. I'm overruling Jordan. You can use Jordan's voice. You can put together a little clips

package. You can put it on top of some pictures of some bunny rabbits jumping around. I don't care what you put. Use your own creativity to make this video. You can use any of our shit. You know what I'm saying? You can create your own stuff. You can do a lip dub.

Yeah. To call me maybe. Exactly. And that will be pretty funny. Email it to jjgoatmaximumfun.org Our favorite one will send, basically just send one of whatever we have in the closet. So I'm talking about, and this is probably because I haven't looked in the closet lately, I'm talking about reusable water bottles. The good ones, not the shitty ones.

We got the good ones. MaxFun rocket ship earbuds. I'm talking about temporary tattoos. I'm talking about headphone splitters, bubblegum cigars. Talking about t-shirts. All kinds of good stuff. Talking about put this on DVDs. Talking about Sunday in America DVDs.

Printer paper. We'll make a huge box of whatever shit we have in the closet and send it to whichever one we like the best. It's going to be good stuff. You're going to like it. This is exclusive, by the way. You can't get this shit any other way. No. Can't go down to Bergdorf's and get this. No. Can't go to Barney's. Yeah. Can't go to

Gimble's. They have it at Woolworth's. They do have it at Woolworth's. They sell it at the soda fountain. Get a phosphate? Pick up your... But you have to put... You got to put Jordan Jesse Go in the name of the thing so people know. And I think...

How about this? I'm going to add one more on there. At the end of August, whoever's video has the most views on it will send them one. Make a popularity contest as well. I like that. Yeah, well, there's a quality contest and a popularity contest. Do you want to give them a certain unique word or a tag that make it easy to search? That's a really good point.

What would be a good one? If it's August, dog days of – how about Augio? I mean, I usually – How about Lilo Nip Slip? Well, I don't know if this will work. Yeah. I mean, I know it's always my favorite time of the year when I get to drive by the Pleasure Chest on Santa Monica. Right.

And every time I'm reminded via their posters that it's Anal August. So do you think Jordan and Jesse Go month should coincide with Anal August? They will coincide, but I don't think that can be our keyword. I think we'll get banned from YouTube if we put Anal August. What if you take the word video, which is a key part of this, right? Right. And then JJ Go, which is obviously a show. What about anus video?

And then you do VDJJ Go. And that's a word that's not going to be in any other video. So V-I-D-E-J-J-Go. And that's a word that's not going to be in any other video. So V-I-D-E-J-J-G-O? Yes. V-I-D-E-J-J-G-O. That's why you're Gary Vaynerchuk. Check it out, Vaynerchuk. Sure.

I'm deadly serious about this. Sure. By the end of August and next week on the program, we're going to reveal basically the greatest thing that we've ever thought of. Really? Yeah. Follow us on Twitter if you want to get it before then. Great. But it's the greatest thing that we have ever thought of between the two of us, and I'm very excited about it.

It also involves the month of August and the city of Denver. Ooh. What about anuses? No. Jordan, there's no— Sounds like you're not taking analaga seriously. They're included by default. Where's your holiday spirit, Jesse? Jordan, I'm gonna go to

the barber. Okay. Alright. Well. Okay. If you want to email us, it's jjgoe at maximumfun.org. What's that code again? V-I-D-E J-J-G-O. Sure. Look, you can do a crappy job. Yeah. Do a bad job. I'm just saying

there's two things. The best one and whatever it fucking is, we're going to decide semi-arbitrarily. The best one and the one with the most views at the end of August, you'll both get, I'd say market value $100 plus. The grouping of stuff that we're going to send in.

We got that Fido Dido information? Seven up. Are you kidding me? Whoa. Seven up. That's the song that plays when I win. Our theme music is Love You by the

Free Design, courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll talk to you on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordanordan is at jordan underscore morris on facebook and on the max fun forums at forum.maximumfun.org we'll talk to you next time on jordan jesse go maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported