Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 284: Gandhi Boner with James Reichmuth and Rob Baedeker

Episode Date: July 22, 2013

James Reichmuth and Rob Baedeker from the sketch comedy group Kasper Hauser join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of creativity, car washes, donut shops, and fast food.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. It's a hot one in Los Angeles. It is.

And across the nation. How about a national weather report this week? Jesse, how are things in Des Moines? Hot. Balut, Minnesota. Duluth. Not a real place. Yeah.

That's that Filipino half-fertilized egg. It's fully fertilized, my friend. It's just not quite, it hasn't quite popped out of the old egg. Corf, Montana. Hot. Weather's just not quite, it hasn't quite popped out of the old egg. Corf, Montana. Hot. Weather's hot. One more. Pew,

Delaware? Mild. Oh. Weather's mild in Pews. Oh, man. I can't wait till I can just pack it up and move to Pews. Settle down,

write a novel. God, if I had a dollar for everybody, every person who told me that, Jordan. Yeah. I'd be the richest man in Pew. Did you see somebody made us a full short album cover?

Great jam band festival down there in Pew. Did you see the full short album cover? I did, yes. I want to say the guy's name was Brett. Does that sound right to you? cover? I did. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I want to say the guy's name was Brett. Does that sound right to you? Brett? I did see it. I forget the gentleman's name.

Yes. It's in the style of like a 90s. Pen and Pixel. 90s hip hop album. Is that what it is? Yeah. Like a No Limit Records specifically. I think We're Sitting on Thrones.

Brett. Yeah. Thanks, Brett. We're on Thrones. The Jordan Jesse Go is written in rhinestones. What I like about it is we're on a red carpet. There's a donk car behind us with the license plate full short. And what I like about it is that it's just a picture.

It's a picture that Zach Wolf took of us just as a regular publicity photo. Zach Wolf takes photographs with a casual contemporary vibe. And so we look a little bit like we're in the pages of – it doesn't have that weird like blown out look of like a vice. But maybe a dwell. Like maybe a dwell. We could be – we're sitting on chairs relaxing as if we were in the pages of Dwell magazine. What about Hangout magazine? Sure. Absolutely.

Casual hang? That's a great magazine. Meanwhile, we're on Thrones. Yeah. You know, that's the game. Yeah. Thrones specifically. Sure.

Should we bring our guests into this? I think so. Long-time friends of this program and MaximumFun.org, the authors of the hot new book, Earn Your MBA on the Toilet, Unleash Unlimited Power and Wealth from Your Bathroom, half of the sketch comedy group, Casper Hauser, James Richmuth, and Rob Bedecker. Hello, James and Rob. Hey. Hello. Hello.

Did you know about the hit status of your book? Yeah. Did your publisher tell you yet? Yeah. They were going to tell us pretty soon. It's an international mega hit. Yeah. That's when the New York Times bestseller list can't contain it.

That's exactly right. Yeah. They make a new list. Yeah. I'll tell you where it was hit. I took my wife's car to the car wash. It was soil I wanted to do something nice for. She's pregnant.

Was it a do-it-yourself? No, no. The whole thing, drive-thru. Absolutely. The whole nine yards. Where a man drives it through for you. Where it gets on a conveyor belt and goes through the flippy flaps. And where you can take a minute to peruse some greeting cards while you wait. Absolutely. Although, in my case you can take a minute to peruse some greeting cards while you wait. Absolutely.

Although in my case, I took the opportunity to peruse the hit new book, Earn Your MBA on the Toilet, Unleash Unlimited Power and Wealth from Your Bathroom. Were they selling it there? They were not selling it there, no. You never know. You never know. It could be. Guys, how are your car wash numbers? Our car wash ranking?

Yeah. It's number 28 in trivia. Yeah. We're air freshener, pine scented air freshener is number one. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's no taking down that juggernaut. No. It's a classic.

Yeah, it's like a Pixar movie. It's going to be at the top of the- It's like Coca-Cola. I was reading your new book at the car wash laughing like a real jerk, like trying not to, actively trying not to because I'm surrounded by – this is in the middle of a weekday. So I'm surrounded by five-foot tall, 35-year-old Latina moms that are as wide as they are tall with three children. You know what I mean? And they're just trying to get through the day.

And you're trying to give off a cool, confident vibe to let them know you're DTF. Exactly. And you weren't trying to get through the day yourself. No. Look, I'll stop at any time to enjoy a good laugh. Like in Dwell Magazine. I didn't have any goals. I didn't have any goals. I didn stop at any time to enjoy a good laugh. Like you didn't dwell magazine. I didn't have any goals. I didn't have any goals.

I didn't have any. Laughing by yourself in Latin cultures is not done. It is considered to be a real taboo. I didn't realize you were also an ethnographer. I knew that you were a psychiatrist and had the medical doctor. There's a lot you don't know about me. Amateur. So is that why bullfights are so popular?

Is this like a popular place to gather and laugh? That's right. That's exactly right. You get it out of your system. Le gusta reir solo. You like to laugh alone. A nurse once told me yes. And I was just.

James used to work in a car wash. That's right. That is right. That was my first real job. What kind of car wash was it? Just a car wash with all the normal books. Like any car wash was probably 100,000 times. When you say what kind of car wash, the question is automated, non-automated, drive-through, all manual, touchless.

Don't eat bikini. What percentage touchless was it? Do not tell me what types of car washes there are. I'm the only one here that worked at a car wash for a coke head for three years. And no, no, no. It was an automatic one. It was in Pittsburgh. Everyone gets their car wash there because of the salt.

Like you have to do it. People assume you know what to do when you drive on the little rails, right? Does everybody know? No. There were fatalities every week. Were you guys liable for those? Yes. Yes.

John and I were. Yes. There was only two places where you could get a job that were walking distance from my house. The grocery store, which would have been a great normal teenage job, you know, as a box clerk. Yeah, sure. And the awful car wash. And we did the interview. I did the interview at the grocery store and they asked that question, have you ever lied?

And I said no and did not get the job. Wow. They use trickery to weed out. And I think you say, yeah. And then they say, what about? And you say, well, you know, I did some bad things in Oregon. That's why we're living here now, you know. We're on the run.

Exactly. You know, it's a youth home thing. And it was to have somebody in the thigh of the screwdriver, you know. So we worked for – it was under minimum wage. It was like totally illegal and the boss – Paid in cash, like at the end of the week? Basically, yeah. And it was us and criminals that were on release, like older criminals and my brother and I.

And I still remember that they had a vending machine with Dr. Pepper and those little peanut butter cracker things. And the taste of those two takes me right back to prison every time I have them. Whenever you eat them in tandem as you often do. You can almost hear the sweaty yells of a coke head. It was brutal. My wife had a job in Marin County when she – I guess this was right after she finished college and was living with her parents in Marin County at a coffee stand that was run by a crazy meth dealer, like so crazy. But because Marin, if you can get the spot to put your coffee cart,

it is a crazy big money cash business. And so he would just pay that, Teresa and the other like two women that were there. No, just wads of cash. And at the end of the week, he would just pay them an extra three hundred dollars or something. Just just hand them a wad of five hundred dollars. And a wad meaning sort of crumpled all together. Oh, absolutely. Just just a weird pile of money.

He'd just be like, take what you want. Because he's money laundering. Yes. His number one interest is not. Yeah. I like that maybe that's a scenario for like a more low stakes Breaking Bad. Like just the guy running it all through the coffee cart. You know, things are pretty good.

Well, I think money laundering operations sometimes accidentally go well. You're not thinking, well, this would be a good place. You don't really care. Anytime you see a donut shop that has never had anyone in it. Boy, yeah. I wonder how donut shops stay in business. That's the great mystery. Me too.

Everybody is wondering that. I was walking. Only the Vietnamese have the secret. Sure. I was walking. Cambodians, I think. Cambodians, excuse me. I was walking by one on the way to a rehearsal and I'm like, oh, I could use a little cup of coffee to pep up for this rehearsal.

I went into the donut shop. It was like 7.30 in the evening and asked for a cup of coffee and got the weirdest look. Like why would you want that? And like what do I do to give it to you? why would you want that? And like, what do I do to give it to you? They went around and back and just like clattered around for a little bit and then brought the like smallest cup of coffee you've ever seen out. And I gave them like a dollar and just left.

It was a very weird transaction. What do donuts go for? A dollar these days? I think under a dollar. I think like 75 cents. Wow. I mean, unless you want like a Cruller or a premium donut. I do.

Oh, okay. Then, yeah, you're dropping $0.95. Okay. Fritter? Maple bar. Oh, no. That goes into standard. All donuts.

Here's something about donuts that is of interest slash concern to me. Okay. Leave aside your donut places that put bacon on the donut. Sure. places that put bacon on the donuts. Sure. How is it possible that all other donuts, no matter who is selling them, are exactly the same? Yeah.

Is it like fortune cookies where in each region there's just one factory that makes them and then distributes them to restaurants? They seem to make them in-house. Yeah. And you're right. There's no differences. There's no regional differences. There's no... And you could go to Winchell's. You could go to – I think there must be sort of kits. Like you open a donut store, you get this fryer, you get the batter, and it all comes from one.

No, that's where you're all wrong. I think the frosting on the top is like paint for a house. There are great differences underneath that that you're not seeing. I think there's great natural variation in donuts that you guys are overlooking. Yeah, absolutely. Is this based on lived experience? You're talking about a thing where every single one of them ever made is extremely unique. Nothing like any—

This is the snowflake theory? Absolutely. And they're lovingly made by hand. We've all read Christopher—gosh, I forgot the guy's name. Just peel – Who's the guy who writes those books everybody likes to talk about? Christopher. Christopher.

You remember Christopher's book, Donut Slash Snowflake? Yeah, exactly. Scrape off the frosting. Christopher Hitchens. He's the atheist guy. Yeah. Who's – oh, well. Anyway.

The God Theory Dawkins? Yeah, there you go. You've all read Malcolm Gladwell's book, Snowflake Slash Donut. Good. Think of if I had said that like right as I thought of it. I know. I'm going through it right now. That would have killed.

Yeah. I think what it is is I think we were talking about the theory of when fast food goes from delicious treat to gross nightmare. I think – I predict that if you were to go to a variety of donut places and get the donut right as it was coming out of the thing, you would be able to taste more deliciousness and variety. But I think as it's been sitting in that case, after it's been sitting there for a minute, they all turn into the same kind of sugar block. Right. Well, because of fried foods. I mean that's just the general rule of fried food. Yeah.

So they're all just uniformly shitty. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So they're all just uniformly shitty. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. But you're talking about the half-life of fast food when it starts to like one single bag of French fries. Well, the question – I mean this came up when I was traveling out of the JetBlue terminal at the Los Angeles International Airport. Basically the only food choice there is a Burger King. And I ordered a Whopper,

America's most beloved fast food burger. And I ate it. And it was the fucking most disgusting thing I've ever eaten in my entire life. And I had to eat it because it was the only meal available. And if I don't eat a meal, then I'll get a migraine. So I had to eat

it. But it was... Have you thought about making your way out into the tarmac and catching some pigeons I considered it I briefly considered it I would have had to jury-rig a sort of rotisserie barbecue yeah we just cook it in the in the engines of the plane a lot of people with medical conditions like that would have taken some advance care to avoid that situation and maybe carry a Whopper around with you. Right. I do have a Whopper bracelet. Mm-hmm.

Whopper. And you could have a warmer. Now you could just have it. I mean, now they have a tube that would just go in and the Whopper would just be delivered into your stomach. But the problem is TSA. You have to bring it. You have to carry a doctor's note that says this is why this is a medical necessity. You got it.

Yeah. Why was it so horrible? Thank you, James. got it. Yeah. Why was it so horrible? It's a service Whopper. It was. Well, that's the thing. So I had not had a Whopper or really any fast food burger other than like an In-N-Out burger since I was a teenager. And so I wasn't 100% sure if it was because I was no longer a teenager and all fast food burgers are that gross. That's what it was. That's what it was. And it's the same with donuts. Remember those bear claws? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, as a kid, you could eat a whole one of

those and still walk around. And a big gulp, you know, like wash down the big gulp. And then after 14, that's what happens. A donut is the one food. I like donuts. I'll eat a crappy donut. I don't care. I think they taste great. But a donut is the one food that has a really direct, I mean, besides like caffeine, that has a direct physical effect on me. Like I start buzzing when I've eaten half a donut and feel kind of sick and angry.

Yeah. Do you think – are you basing this on experiences with donuts and pastries that came out of your girlfriend's boss's meth cart? I am. You know, now that you mention it. Because it sounds like that's a little bit of an extreme reaction. Now that you mention it, yeah, that's a really good point. Well, Teresa, my beautiful wife Teresa, a donut is her top preferred food. She would eat a donut for every meal given the opportunity.

And, you know, she's not a crazy person. She doesn't eat a donut for every meal, but she fucking loves donuts. That's being the definition of a crazy person. Well, you're a psychiatrist. It sounds like for her it's not a problem. Is that part of the – how many donuts? I want to know why she's not doing it. That's in the DSM-5, isn't it?

The D stands for donut. Donut addiction. Speaking of which, the service animal reference, I have to get this off my chest. Sure. I just saw a service animal at the Oakland airport. It was a dog. I like it. I like it.

Okay. It was a pit bull that was unneutered. And I am not joking. pit bull that was unneutered. And I am not joking. So what is your disability that this dog helps you with? You mean the balls were... And by the way, I don't mean to say that I was, you know, staring at this animal's... But you were.

Nuts. You couldn't not. You couldn't not. They were presenting. It was just – at any rate, so I was just fascinated about what service an unneutered pit bull in an airport child modeling. I think there's the service animal and then there's the comfort animal, like someone who's had some trauma or is going through depression. Companion animal. Yeah.

I mean like maybe – I know about this from my hero dog's calendar. Sure. Testicles can be comforting. They really can. Just, you know, you roll them around like those Chinese relaxation spheres. Jordan can't fall asleep unless he's getting teabagged. So, now I was hung up on the pit bull part, but you're saying that the balls are really the part.

Yeah, I mean, the balls can be attached to whatever. I mean, the dog's just the most obedient thing. You did point out it was unneutered. That was one of the first things you said. Well, I somehow associate that with death, unneutered pit bulls. But you're saying that the pit bull is just a vector. He's carrying. This picture lived in urban America.

Okay, all right. You've had a dog with madness in its eyes throw itself bodily against a chain link fence and land on its balls. Do you think the drug sniffing beagles sort of passed that guy in the corridors? And what's the kind of interaction there? Pissed. Yeah. Pissed off. Yeah.

Like you get to be here too. I did all the schooling to sniff the drugs. Yeah. Like you get to be here too. I did all the schooling to sniff the drugs. Yeah. And you just walk in here like. Yeah. And here you are jet setting around. If they had a pit bull testicle sniffing dog, I bet the alarms went off pretty good down there in security. I don't think you need to have a.

There's not a lot of training to get the dog to be able to sniff other dogs. Yeah. Ours will do that. Ours will do that right off the bat. You don't even have to treat it? You don't have to give it treats? No, you know, there's not a lot of jobs for that kind of dog. Right, that's the problem.

Yeah, because it's like— The main job is dog. That's right. They can work at a car wash. I mean, you could, I don't know, try to sell it. That's a make-your- make your own sign kind of sale. You know, this dog will sniff out other dogs. We are recapitulating.

Seeking dog bullocks? That's right. If yes, inquire within. Get a police uniform and a special harness for your dog. Walk around town and anytime it smells another dog, say, does your dog have... Is your dog's butt filled with drugs? Yeah. Can I ask you a question?

Is it possible that having a dog that can detect other dogs that have balls, that could be a hobby like metal detecting. Oh. That's right. Isn't their vision kind of bad? The dog wouldn't be the best detector of other dogs' balls, right? It's just like, what are those? I mean, we don't need much help with that is what I'm saying. Drug saving is a different thing.

No, in fact, that's how they train them. They put a little packet of cocaine in a little prosthetic ball sack. And then they, you know, give it a donut and it says that's – Click, click, click, click. I think that's it. Click, click, click, click. I'm sure you have a little clicker. You know what I'm talking about.

I do. A little clicker. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Hey, thanks this week to Adult Swim for sponsoring our program. for sponsoring our program. A new season of Children's Hospital starring Rob Corddry and NTSF colon SD colon SUV colon colon

starring our friend Paul Scheer start this Thursday, July 25th at midnight. Basically, these programs are just a cavalcade of your favorite Jordan, Jesse, Go guests. And they are both freaking hilarious. So I really hope that you will not miss them. Look, what do we got? We got Ken Marino, Megan Mullally, Rob Hubel, June Diane Rayfield,

Lake Bell, Paul Scheer, Rob Corddry. Rob Corddry has probably once again disappointed us in his promise to name two characters, Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson, on Children's Hospital. But you know what? It's so funny. Who cares? Don't, on Children's Hospital. But you know what? It's so funny. Who cares? Adult Swim, where it's at. New season, Children's Hospital and NTSF, colon, SD, colon, SUV, colon, colon.

This Thursday, July 25th at midnight. On your Thursday night comedy destination. Adult Swim. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. James Richmond, Casper Hauser. Rob Bedecker, guy from the sky. God? I didn't say God, but I'll take it. Okay. Yeah, I said guy.

Could just be St. Peter. Yeah, that's what I call God because me and him are like bros. I'm like, hey, guy from the sky. Guy from the sky. That's got to be in a Christian rock song, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Of course.

Guy in the sky, keep on turning. I can see that as like a bunch of newly sober, born-again deadheads. They start like a jammy Christian rock band called Guy in the Sky. Sure, Guy in the Sky. That sounds really cool, man. Totally sounds cool. You know what? It's just cool.

We got an acoustic guitar. We got some bongos. And anybody can get in on it. Sure. You got a rain stick? Come on. Yeah. You want to get high?

The highest you can get is the guy in the sky. Sure. You got it. Yeah. You know what the fuck we're talking about. Right on. Well, they wouldn't say fuck. But they would fuck.

They would fuck. Yeah. Oh, man. Are you kidding? Christian jam band groupies, Jesse? They would get down. They keep it tight. They keep it tight. They keep it tight.

Oh, the crevice those gentlemen are getting. All up in that. In the bus, in the van. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. Sure. Like, hey, I can introduce you to jars of clank. You want to meet Switchfoot?

You want to meet Pat Robertson? The Pat Robertson. Oh, man. What's going on with you, Jordan? How you been doing? Hold on. Before we talk about that, let's address the elephant in the room. Our friend Dave Shumka is fine, but got shot by a madman on the streets. Sure. That's terrifying. I know. Okay. So a month or so ago, this guy calls in with a momentous occasion. He's walking down the streets of Winnipeg or some shit in Canada.

And someone tries to kidnap him in that like children's movie way where they like put a bag over your head and grab you and pull you into a van. Children's movie? No, like a school, like a cautionary film. Oh, okay. Sure, sure, sure. Kidnapped from Witch Mountain. I thought you were talking about, like, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Bedknobs and burlap sacks. So we're already on notice about Canada. Yeah. They have an unearned reputation for safety where grown – large grown adult men are being kidnapped on the streets for no apparent reason. And then – Like partially drunk grown adults. To be fair. co-host of Stop Podcasting Yourself from the MaximumFun.org network, one of the funniest guys around, is leaving a comedy show headlined by our friend Graham Clark, the other co-host of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

A man, a weird-looking man, runs out from an alley, looks at him, says, hello, how are you, points a gun in his face, Dave ducks, and the guy shoots at his face point blank and grazes the top of his head with a bullet. Oh, my God. Wow. And Dave ran away and the man ended up committing suicide. But I think the take home from this – I think Dave wrote a post on his Tumblr that I thought was very eloquent that the take-home from this was we need to pay attention to – more attention to mental health in our communities.

The secondary take-home I would say is stay away from Canada. Well, that was – wasn't that Michael Moore's – part of his thesis in the gun movie was that they got it figured out? Yeah. And we don't. Sorry, Mike. out. Yeah. And we don't. So sorry, Mike. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it's just – it seems like it's not necessarily a gun issue, but it seems like it's just people – I think it's a moral issue up there.

Right. That people feel it's moral to shoot Dave Shumka? Sure. I mean, I understand where that's coming from. I felt like shooting Dave Shumka? Sure. I mean, I understand where that's coming from. I felt like shooting Dave Shumka many times. He's a controversial guy. He pushes a lot of hot button issues. Sure. And he ducked.

He ducked. That's amazing. He literally dodged a bullet. He physically dodged a bullet. When you have these situations, to be fair, you have to ask that if he hadn't ducked, perhaps it wouldn't even have grazed him. It would have these situations. To be fair, you have to ask that if he hadn't ducked, perhaps it wouldn't even have grazed him. It would have missed completely. I just –

So you're just saying he ducked into the bullet. It might have been pointing under his chin. He may have ducked into the path. That's always a consideration. Yeah, I mean I guess there's that action movie trope of you think somebody is about to get double crossed. You think somebody is like, oh, no, this character is about to shoot the main guy. And they pull the trigger and they were just shooting a guy who was near the main guy. You think this could have been one of those.

It's kind of like waving at the party to the guy but with a gun. Do you think that Dave – James, correct me if I'm just following you down this little rabbit hole here. Are you suggesting that maybe Dave did this for the attention? I don't know Dave. And without seeing him, talking to him in depth, I can't formally accuse him of that. That's a yes. I do. I mean he is as – I mean even for a Canadian, he's an attention seeker.

He is showy even for a Canadian person. I mean, yeah. I mean, I think that Avril Lavigne set the precedent. Right. I mean, she inspired a generation of Canadians to say, hey, look at me. Sure. There are only two things that graze, cows and bullets. Right.

And did somebody see this wound? Was it a true grazing? Yeah. What does graze mean? see this wound uh was it a true grazing yeah what does graze mean i will say on dave's head there's no hair but there is clover okay so that is there are clues to work with actually i'm very sorry to hear about that for him that is horrible absolutely in all sincerity uh uh work sincerity, it's just such a blessing that Dave is safe and we're thinking of your friend. And Dave is the absolute greatest and I don't know. I was thinking about this.

I've never been shot at. about this. You know, I've never been shot at. But the one time I was present for a shooting, it happened 75 feet behind me. I never saw it. All I did was hear shots, you know, go down to the ground and the next day see the bloodstain on the stairs. And it stuck, you know, it stuck with me for, it stuck with me vividly for months. And obviously, you know, it stuck with me for – it stuck with me vividly for months. And obviously, you know, it's still something I think about from time to time now. And so, you know, God bless you, Dave. We love you, buddy. Yeah, totally.

And to not turn into a reactionary angry mess, to stay so nice and positive like he did. It's inspirational. Yeah. That's very, very scary. I'm very inspired by Dave. And, you know, I'm thinking about putting together my own stunt like this. You should. Speaking of inspiration.

I will help you. I mean, it's just like, you know, James, your brother John got attacked by a seal. Yeah. Right. You know. That was great for John. That a seal. Yeah. Right. You know. That was great for John. That was hard.

That was hard. It took me eight hours to put that seal costume on because it was quite professional. Sure. But we did it. And he got on. But you got no piece of his reality show. Seal puncher. Seal puncher.

He committed. I mean, no one has pressed charges on John. And I'm not saying that they should. But you're not allowed to approach a marine mammal. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, there was a lot of controversy about that. Seals? Live young?

Yeah. Mate for life? They're mammals. And he punched it. You can't just go around punching them. No. And you know what? Just because you're swimming in the San Francisco Bay and one chomps onto you doesn't mean you can punch it.

Well, we don't know if that was the order of the event. No one knows if it was chomp, punch, or punch, chomp. Yeah, a seal is on the beach. It's hard to say. But those seals, they go home. They don't podcast that we know of and say- They're into ham radio. It could happen to say. But those seals, they go home. They don't podcast. Right. That we know of and say- They're into ham radio. It could happen to anyone.

John has a scar on both. Is it on both legs? And it's like you couldn't ask for a better thing for John. And the funny thing is the scar spells out the word John. And then below that, punched me first. Punched me first. Did the seal get a weird form of vanity dental work before it bit John? It's hard to know about these things.

A grill of some kind? Yeah, it's tough to say. It's really tough to say. But when you're punching the shit out of a cute marine male, this was not a sea lion. You might as well punch Bambi. These are the kind of things on calendars. They're gorgeous animals, especially when they're dry. Classic calendar.

Yeah. When they're wet, they look kind of gross. But when they're dry, they're quite. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're quite puffed out and cute. They're real fluffers. This was a young mother. So he really, I think he broke its eye socket.

No, he didn't. It did quite a bit of damage to him. Do you think that we gave enough information on the fact that John actually did get bitten by a seal while swimming in the San Francisco Bay for that? I hope people figured that out. If not – They could have put the pieces together and heard it, right? If not, that was all true. Go back and listen to that flight of fancy. Just Google Berkeley man bitten by seal and you'll get the video.

It's on the local news. You don't necessarily want to look at the video. If you just type in Berkeley seal, it's the time that seal performed at UC Berkeley. Which is also pretty riveting. It's great. It's amazing. John also punched him and seal bit him. That's why he got married to Heidi Klum.

That's right. It's one of my top seal boots. Yeah. When it comes to seal bootlegs, Berkeley 97. Yeah. That's premium stuff. Sorry, maybe I'm just kind of a soundophile, but I mean Seal at Red Rocks. I'm sorry, the natural acoustics.

Yeah, sure. Kissed by a Rose. I don't know other Seal songs. Those all sound great at Red Rocks. That's all you need to mention. His concerts are just two-hour jams on Kissed by a Rose, right? It went on and on and on. Is it possible that Seal got both his name and his signature scar in a Seal attack?

Possible. Just Google, where's he from? I don't know. England? Just Google England Man Seal Attack. And it'll come up. England Man Seal Attack, Batman Forever soundtrack. Isle of Man, right?

Yeah. So Isle of Man. So anyway, moral of the story is seal, get well soon. We're thinking about you and you're split with Heidi. You've made some really beautiful music. You've moved a lot of hearts and a lot of vaginal juices and a lot of moms across this great country.

That's number one. Number two, Dave, buddy, we're so sorry that this horrible, I did not do that on purpose. That was the traditional Canadian apology. So sorry that this horrible – I did not do that on purpose. That was the traditional Canadian apology. So sorry that this horrible thing happened to you. And all of us here at Maximum Fun are thinking of you, pal, and you're the best. in making a contribution, doing something about this, Dave has suggested a charity for you to give to that handles mental health issues in the Vancouver area. So you can go to Dave's Tumblr, which is Dave Schumka, S-H-U-M-K-A.tumblr.com. And there you will find the link to make a donation

and make a difference. I know it's tough to feel like there's nothing you can do, but it was great of Dave to do that. So we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, make a difference. I know it's, you know, it's tough to feel like there's nothing you can do, but it was great of Dave to do that. So we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. This week's Jordan and Jesse Go brought to you in part by our friends at Warby Parker, who think glasses shouldn't cost $7 billion. At Warby Parker, they start at $95, including your prescription. You just order some frames from their website or a couple of frames or whatever you want. You get them in the mail. You can try them on. If you don't like them, you can send them back. Get your money back. And

for every pair that you buy, Warby Parker distributes a pair of glasses to someone in need. So go to warbyparker.com, order your prescription glasses, sunglasses, or reading glasses, enter the code JJGO, and you'll receive your new glasses within one, two, three business days. warbyparker.com, enter the code JJGO. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la on tour with DC Talk now, right? Yeah, that's right. I can't wait for that. Jordan, I'm sorry. No, no. I realized after I asked what was going on with you that we should probably address the fact that our friend got shot in the head. Sure.

And I appreciate you ending the segment before we moved on to this. Yeah. What's going on with you? I'm in the middle of a little creativity experiment. Maybe I thought I would run it by you guys. Yeah. I'm in the middle of a little creativity experiment. Maybe I thought I would run it by you guys. This week, the week that we are taping this, is the week that Saturday Night Live packets are due for people to be writers for Saturday Night Live. It's something I do from time to time.

I never get it. You'll know that because I've never been a writer for Saturday Night Live. Right. But, you know, I really – I've got the time to do it this year to do it right. I'm not doing it in my off time. So I'm like I kind of have a week to devote to this. And when you apply for a television writing job, especially one like on a late night show or on – you know, you might submit a spec script for a sitcom. But for most of these shows, you submit a packet, which is like a group of jokes and

in this case probably sketches. Yeah. It's a little bit different every year. I guess each head writer has a different set of things that they're looking for. So sometimes it will be do X amount of topical sketches or do X amount of commercial parodies or something, something, something. So I'm doing it this time and I thought I would try and be totally sober for the whole thing. I would not have a drink.

I would not have a pot. I would just go to bed at a decent hour. No coffee cart donuts. Yeah, no coffee cart donuts. Just a really regimented week. And so I started doing this and felt pretty good at the beginning, felt pretty good about where it was going, getting a lot of good work done. And then just kind of in my off time, I started watching the Ken Burns documentary on prohibition. Oh, yeah. Which didn't connect to me in my off time, I started watching the Ken Burns documentary on prohibition.

Oh, yeah. Which didn't connect to me in my mind that like, oh, I'm trying not to drink, but also I'm watching this thing that's exclusively about alcohol. For some reason, it did not occur to me that this is a weird combo. You were reading a book about still making also. Right. Sure, sure. Yeast. I was also reading the big book of yeast.

Right. He said, sure, sure. Yeast. I was also reading The Big Book of Yeast. And then – so I don't know if you guys have seen this, but it's that usual Ken Burns style. They're panning around a photograph or – so it's – like there was some film back then. So there's a lot of like sped up footage of like flappers. I haven't seen it, but I feel like I – Yeah, you can hear the piano. I feel like I don't want it, but I feel like I can hear the piano. Beer being poured or like little ice cubes clinking into a glass and then the most beautiful liquor you've ever seen coming out of a glass carafe. Yeah, and it was real torture. I probably should have just stopped watching it but for some reason got kind of into it and insisted on watching all three episodes. So yeah, that was really uh it was really tough um but i kind of felt but i was feeling pretty good like i was feeling like i was uh you know i felt like that resistance kind of made me uh maybe a little bit stronger in

my conviction plus you had won your fight against the snakes. Sure. Exactly. They left for some reason. They just left once I stopped. You were shaking a lot less. Yeah. I won my fight against night sweats. Sure. And then so I was going pretty good and I had a lapse. I was going to see Pacific Rim with a buddy of mine.

Oh, I thought you were going to say Seal. I was Seal at the Pacific Rim. Right, right, right. You got to blaze up before you go to see Seal. He's amazing, man. You have not heard Kissed by a Rose. Yeah, Pacific Rim is the best place to see him. It's so intimate.

Yeah, yeah. I had this buddy. We were going to see Pacific Rim. And he lives with his fiancee in this really kind of like posh apartment and she is away. Don't tell me I haven't seen it yet. Oh, yeah. That's the plot of Pacific Rim. Okay.

It's a robot lives with its fiancée, an alien, in a very nice apartment. It's like a live-work loft. Fiancée is played by Anna Faris. Yeah. And the robot is played by Gerard Butler. Oh. He's a real cat at the beginning, but he softens up. And so I went over to his house, and he is just having this return to bachelorhood.

Their nice apartment is a mess. I found him just lackadaisically bouncing a tennis ball against the wall and like their dog running after it while he tries to catch it. And part of his return to bachelorhood is smoking a lot of pot out of an apple. And I was like, oh, God, I can't not do this. You know, so I had a lapse, guys. I didn't make it. How many days in did you get?

I got six days in. Do you think any fruit would have led to a lapse, any fruit bong? Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know if you've tried to berry bong before. It's an unpleasant experience. It leads to a lot of singed eyebrows. Sure. What was your goal?

Seven days? Unpleasant experience that leads to a lot of singed eyebrows. Sure. What was your goal? Seven days? I think by the time I got the assignment, it was ten days. How many Taylor Swift sketches were you into your project? Yeah.

I was just doing all the usuals. I mean like Taylor Swift auditions for The View I did. Taylor Swift finds Edward Snowden View. I did. Taylor Swift finds Edward Snowden, brings him to justice. Kanye West hosts a talk show. Sure, exactly. Taylor Swift hosts a talk show. And ethnicity hosts a talk show in a weird way. So yeah, so I didn't quite make it. I felt pretty good going, leading up to it. I've been kind of guilty about that bong apple hit since it happened. I feel like a weak man. Did you have kind of a long

slow walk along the docks at sunrise? Yeah, I skipped some stones. So you were trying to see what this did to your creativity and your productivity. Well? We made that bong out of an apple. I didn't even make it. It was some kind of bong.

Yeah. Definitely tell SNL that. I'm like, yeah, I should just – I should send them the sketches but then have a lot of homemade bongs also in the package. They do all their submissions by mail. It's very old-fashioned. I would say an appendix that just lists fruits you've made into bongs. Just tell them, hey, look, this is where I'm at, you know, with my drug use. Sure, sure.

This is what I did. I know you guys have a rich history of drug use. That's right. It's part of the culture around there. Yeah. I should just like go into it as if all I know about Saturday Night Live is like stories from 70s Saturday Night Live. And that would get their attention if they opened the priority mail package in these

old apples. I mean, you're going to read that guy's package. Yeah. You're going to read that guy's package. Or how about this? They open the priority mail package and you ride out on a fucking motorcycle. Yeah, doing a blow like Dan Aykroyd. Because marijuana makes your motorcycle driving better.

Yeah, sure, exactly. Because it's trippy here. Catherine O'Hara was on Bullseye not that long ago. I don't remember if this made it onto the radio. But there was just this point where she was talking about when she used to date Danny, a.k.a. Dan Aykroyd. And she just offhandedly mentioned that he drove an amphibious car. And I was like, yep, there you go, Mr. Dan Aykroyd. Doing exactly what you'd expect him to do. Just driving around Canada in an amphibious car.

Looking for ghosts. Sure. And aliens. To be fair, and aliens. Whatever's paranormal. Maybe a mummy. I wanted to maybe ask you guys about when you guys feel like you're all the most creative. Like do you deny yourself anything when you feel like you have to be – when you have a period where you need to be extra creative?

Oh, I think that's hugely – Absolutely. I do water. No water. Wow. You get totally dehydrated. Yeah. You got to get it done.

Well, those are two separate questions for me. I mean denying yourself something is like a great source of energy. Yeah. Like fasting. Like Muhammad Ali not engaging in romance before a fight. Or Gandhi. Exactly. But there's two things here, right? One, we're talking about intoxicants.

So Rob's saying the denial like fasting gives you all this energy. You're actually talking about intoxicants that change the way that you think. Right. Some people might feel, especially with creativity, where there are many, many either myths or associations with it either helping or hurting your writing. You know what? In the morning. Spare us the psychopathic bullshit.

All right. But are you also asking, Jordan? I'm trying to make a pineapple bong over here. It is hard to spend time with lay people. It is very hard for me sometimes. Sure. Yeah, it's hard for us too. Right. To spend time. Are you asking the moments, like

you know, sort of in the hot shower moment where the idea is... Where you're like, there's my dick of in the hot shower moment where the idea is. Where you're like, there's my dick. Don't do it. Should write a sketch about that. Should write a sketch about a dude with a huge dick. That baby's gorgeous.

Yeah. We're a super sober troupe. We always were. Yeah. And it's so funny because with comedy, right, people assume there's this association between partying and being funny because you laugh a lot when you're partying. The people come up and say, it must be great. You must get all fucked up. What are you guys on?

What do you want? No. I find swimming in the pool is kind of therapeutic. Yeah. You get a lot of ideas come. I find ocean swimming really therapeutic. Really? Yeah. I once got attacked by it. You know a lot of ideas come. I find ocean swimming really therapeutic. Really? Yeah.

I once got attacked by it. You know what? I'm not thinking of me. I'm thinking of John Richmuth. That's right. I got confused between me and John Richmuth. I feel like I'm never creative in any capacity. Sure.

I feel like I've abandoned creativity completely. Like the closest I can get is an unusual solution to a business problem. I've just upended. Shave dice. Shave dice. Shave dice. Here's what creativity means to me now. I bought a hole saw, which is like a saw that's round, like the top of a spice bottle that attaches to the end of your drill to cut a

hole in something. And the shank was the wrong size. So I said, fuck it. And I did it with a one inch bit. Nice. And then he would say, then I said, fuck it. And then I learned watercolors. But like, that's the purest.

I have never, I have never been capable of creativity in any – Oh, that's nonsense. In any kind of like – in any kind of situation where there aren't already just a thousand rules. If there aren't a thousand rules, I am totally fucked because I will think about everything that's wrong with everything that I'm doing and not do anything unless I'm trying to – and if I try and solve a problem, I will just fucking obsess over it until it's done. Oh, rules are great. I mean restrictions, it fits with denying yourself stuff too. I mean I like that kind of like assignment writing. It's like, oh, I have to think of a commercial parody.

I can't not think of one. So, yeah. That's very nice. Or write something without using the letter E or whatever. I wrote a novel. Or finish it by 10 p.m. or your family dies, which is a fun one. That's how Jack Handy wrote Super Happy Fun Ball. Okay.

Now, when you lapsed after – He finished it at 10.25, though. That's the problem. So it was a great sketch, but it turned out to be to be but you can like you can see those extra 25 minutes in the sketch well you didn't want to do it wrong you didn't want to take something to the pitch table that wasn't ready sure i think it was phil silvers or it was ernie kovacs in philadelphia who said that no no great comedy ideas ever happened outside a half an hour before the pitch meeting. And he was wrong.

He was wrong. And now he's dead. Serves him right. Now, after day six, was it just you just continued to decline? Yeah. Well, I mean, then I just like I just I put like more restrictions on myself. Like I would like I restrictions on myself. Like I would watch pornography. But if they looked like they were about to divert from the missionary position, I would just click it off.

You'd pour yourself a drink. Yeah. I would pour myself a drink. Yeah. I would do a shot. Yeah. What are you doing? What are you doing?

Yeah. Woman on top. Who am I? Caligula? Jeez. Gandhi used to sleep with ladies in his bed and restrain himself, right? Really? Yeah. Woman on top? Who am I, Caligula? Jeez. Gandhi used to sleep with ladies in his bed and restrain himself, right? Really? I don't know if that's apocryphal.

He definitely drank his own pee-pee. Did he? That guy was up to all kind of shit. He saved an entire nation. He had to build up a lot of eccentricities to get to the personal power that's required to save one of the most populous nations in the world from colonialist tyranny. Was the ladies in bed thing, was that just so he would like go to his work every day with like a frustration boner?

That would like lead him into greatness? In his rags? Yeah. You don't just jump to having the ladies in the bed. You've already stopped jacking off a long time before that. So this is like phase three. This is like a guy who's been using cocaine for a long time and then he tries heroin. Oh, okay.

He's trying to kick it up to a new level. I didn't know Gandhi was into cocaine. Oh, yeah. Was it? Big time in the 70s. Oh, sure, sure. He was great, man. Absolutely.

Then he went into the car wash business, from what I understand. When he picked up the tenor, man, he was a great genius. Him and Einstein would get together with a fucking mountain of blow. Just uncut shit, too. They'd smoke it. They'd shoot it. Yeah. They'd snort it.

And they would just jam. They would just jam. They say it's the only thing that really let them see the problems of the world. Liquid coke. I worked at a diner once, and this guy had purple rings under his eyes, and I asked him about it. He said it was from liquid coke. I'm sadder. Gandhi definitely had that junkie physique.

I think he was the first one to make it really popular. Yeah, sure. Well, it's him and Iggy Pop, right? When he did the Calvin Klein spot specifically. That's right. And the pants down and the little glasses. That was hot, though. It was.

That was pretty hot. I have a frustration boner right now. Just thinking about Gandhi. A Gandhi boner? Yeah. Just thinking about legendary non-violent activists. Yeah, my favorite of history's pacifists slash catalog models will always be Anna Nicole Smith. Sure. In the guest ads and the Armenian genocide.

Yeah, sure. Her work against the Turks. Right, exactly. She really headed in for the Turks. Yeah, boy. Hated Turks. Right, exactly. She really had it in for the Turks. Oh, boy. Hated Turks. Yeah. And that negative incident with a Turkish delight was not delightful.

No. Well, they're not good. The furthest thing, sided with the Armenians from there on out. Well, we had a great talk about creativity and where it comes from. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. Great talk about creativity and where it comes from. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go fans. It's Jesse. I'm breaking into this show to tell you that we have launched the greatest Kickstarter ever.

And we did it after we recorded this show. So we didn't have the details to give you. But you can support us right this very second. It is very, very imminent. Here's what we want to fly to Denver and fly our filmmaking buddy Ben Harrison to Denver with us where we will buy 1,000 ice cream cones for 1,000 strangers and give them out and make a little movie about the time that Jesse and Jordan from Jordan, Jesse, Go! gave 1,000 ice cream cones to 1,000 people they didn't know.

I want you to be part of this. It is going to be so great and so fun and the perfect thing to do with the summer weekend. Just go to kickstarter.com and search for 1,000 free ice cream cones. Spell it out. 1,000. It is going to be so great, but there are just days left as this episode comes out. So get on it. It's going to be so great.

It's going to be so, so cool. Just go. Like just 10 bucks or something. Buy an ice to be so, so cool. Just go. Just $10 or something. Buy an ice cream cone for somebody. They'll love it. Kickstarter.com. 1,000 free ice cream cones for the movie. Okay, bye.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. James Richmond, pie in the oven. Rob Bedecker. I'm dropping the moniker. I like guy in the sky.

Did you? Okay. I like it a lot. Guy in the sky. All right. Stick with it. I like that James was going to go pie in the sky, then realized that would preclude Rob from using his nickname that was already established.

And he ended up having to go pie in the oven, which is not a saying. I thought that Rob was going to improv again. Yeah. And I felt bad. Like the first time he did several segments ago. That's right. Before he started repeating the thing. That's right.

That was weird. And then I was saying Casper Houser and I felt lesser just. Sure. Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't know if your thing is totally without precedent. My mom always said a pie in the oven is worth two in the trash. She really valued a trashed pie. Sure.

I'll throw most of my pies in the trash without even tasting them. To age them. Yeah. It's like an oak barrel. Yeah, right. Cave-aged pods. The neighbors, the raccoons. Cave-aged.

Can we talk about- Be coated in volcanic ash. Can we talk briefly about BoatParty.biz? Yes. Because time is running out to purchase your tickets to BoatParty.biz. I just had a high-level meeting with my events director, Amanda. We're going to have to set a deadline on tickets for BoatParty.biz. You only got about two weeks left.

That's the honest truth. You only got about two weeks left. That's the honest truth. You only got about two weeks left. Maybe three weeks if you're lucky. We haven't picked the exact date. But the clock's ticking is what you're saying. The clock is seriously ticking. Arneal of the Mountain Goats, Dan Deacon, Cameron Esposito, John Hodgman, Josie Long, various other people whose names are obscured on this list. Oh, here we go.

Here's a new list. Mark Maron, Nellie McKay, Eugene Merman, Jonah Ray, Jasper Redd, John Roderick, Scott Simpson, Nick Thune. Just saw Scott Simpson. The point here is this is an amazing group of people. And if you don't get on this boat, you're blowing it big time. It's an affordable trip. It's the only themed cruise ever declared by Wired Magazine to be, and I quote, maybe fun.

Maybe fun. It's pretty good. That's great. Pretty good endorsement. Ahead of the Weezer cruise. Weezer cruise was probably maybe fun. Maybe fun. It's pretty good. That's great. Pretty good endorsement. Ahead of the Weezer cruise, Weezer cruise was probably not fun. Well, to be fair, that's true. Yeah. Wired is an electronics magazine, and that's great to have anything water-related that they're –

Yeah. Sure, because that's their natural enemy. Yeah. Absolutely. That's really going out on a limb. Or you could look at that's their natural enemy. Yeah, absolutely. That's really going out on a limb. Or you could look at it as their natural complement. I mean, this could be part of their plan to electrify the ocean. That old duality, electricity, water.

Yeah, the classic duality. What did the Romans have to say about this? Conspicuously silent. You need a Roman on this show. You need a Roman on this show. You need a Roman on this show. We do, too. Should we get Roman Mars in here? Yeah.

Well, I was going to say, like a Spartan, maybe? A Spartan would be sexier. Yeah. Those are muscles. Sure. The warrior culture. Mm-hmm. Spartans and the other ones were their rivals.

The Minotaurs. Minotaurs. Yeah. Spartans and the Minotaurs. That classic. I mean, they were the water and electricity of their day. Anyway, this is a great, fun thing. Go to boatparty.biz.

Buy your ticket now because you can't wait any longer. It's coming up in September. September 12th through 16th is going to be a freaking blast. This is like the most excited I've ever been about a thing that we've done, including MaxFunCons. I think this is just going to be so cool, so awesome, just amazing shows. And, you know, in between you can just chill out, play shuffleboardy shrimp. You know what I'm talking about? They seriously, on a cruise ship, they have a machine with a soft serve ice cream in it.

You can go to that fucker whenever you want, have as much. And it shoots out shrimp. You can camp underneath it and just swirl right in your mouth. Just swirl that shit. Right in your mouth. So you can engage in the kind of behavior that will get you fired from a Wendy's. Exactly. 30 years ago, it was probably just like soft serve ice cream cruise.

Yes. You know, who needs programming? That would have been enough but then everyone did that. So we're kicking it up a notch. It's the only soft serve ice cream and this other stuff. The first cruise was they just watched that movie of a train coming at the screen on loop. They ran away.

We're on the water. We're not sinking. Cruise. Boat party. Boat cruise. Boatparty. Boat cruise. Boatparty.biz. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Love you, love you, love you, love you Dude on the hood. Is that a Pittsburgh accent? Yeah. Dude. Dude on the hood. It's a Canadian who'd move down to Pittsburgh. Get a huge French fries on my sandwich. They're all moving down here.

Oh, boy. They're coming. It's gone nuts up there. It's not safe. Neighborhood is destroyed. Yeah. Illegals. They can't hit anything up there. That's the good thing. There's not as many guns in Canada. So when they do At least they can't hit anything up there.

That's the good thing. There's not as many guns in Canada. So when they do shoot, they don't hit. In America, he wouldn't have missed. I swear to God, if somebody tries to hand me a Labatz. One more time. Give me a classic American beer, a Corona. Sure.

Let's take some calls. We ask that when something momentous happens to you, you call us at 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN, for momentous occasions. We've got three momentous occasions this week. The first plays now. Hi, I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. My name is Kate Fox and I'm a burlesque performer and I just performed in a weirdo burlesque themed or weirdo themed burlesque show. And imagine my surprise when I looked out into the audience before the show and saw Jordan sitting out there.

It was pretty exciting. I noticed he left after the second set was over, but hey, I totally get it. Anyway, I performed to Poke a Face, and my husband and I are huge fans of the show, so I was pretty excited about seeing Jordan there. Okay, I will talk to you guys later or not. Bye. I was interested in that call until she said husband. Next call.

No, she did great. I enjoyed polka face. Yeah. Yeah. That's one of those where I'm like, if you see us in public, come say hi. Even if you're nude. Especially if you say hi. Even if you're nude. Especially if you're nude. Especially if you're nude.

What was the show like? I saw – I recapped it on the last episode. But I said this was a Weird Al-themed burlesque show where all the girls did dances to the hits of Weird Al and some deep cuts to be fair. This is the Life was in there when you're talking about deep cuts. I'm talking about songs written for the movie Johnny Dangerously. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was a treat. It was very long.

I had to leave after the second set. She got it. She got that. Yeah, she understood. She knows you've got shit to do. You had to go to the Hollywood Hills for a party. Sure, exactly. You're going to go to the Hollywood Hills for a party. Sure, exactly. You're going to go party with Don Draper.

Yeah. And America's favorite porn star, James Dean with two E's. Yeah. We had plans to do Blow. Sure. That guy's great. For a lot of people, doing a burlesque show would be the momentous occasion. Yeah.

Hers was being in a show. She was very good. I think that like she – She's a good. I think that, like, she— She's a pro. Yeah. This is old hat to her. I mean, not in that she looked bored up there. She looked old.

She looked old, yeah. But, I mean, she did—she was clearly schooled, clearly ahead. This wasn't a hobby situation. Well, where would you say she was schooled? Cardozo? Yeah, sure. I'm guessing Cardozo. Albert Einstein?

Yeah, Albert Einstein and Gandhi. Personally tutored her. She slept with Gandhi a few times. Not sex, just a celibate sleep to challenge Gandhi. That's a weird rule. Rotage. Mother Teresa did that as well with Gandhi. They did that together.

That would be easy for me. I don't think that would help my creativity at all. Sleeping with Mother Teresa, no offense. Gandhi, that's a different story. Sleeping with Gandhi would be a trip. It would be hard. What I'd worry about is falling asleep and the hands doing a little roving. Sure. While you're having a little roving. Sure, sure.

While you're having a beautiful dream. I don't know. About screwing a tiny Iggy Pop. You wake up with Gandhi elbowing you in the eye and you're so sorry. You didn't mean it. Come on. I think if you're having a dream where you're screwing a tiny Iggy Pop, you're just basically having a dream that you're David Bowie. You think he just keeps a few tiny Iggy Pops on hand?

Yeah, totally. He's got them. Why wouldn't you? No. You're David Bowie. You don't think he does? Absolutely. You think what we're saying is crazy?

Let's take our next call. It's a little silly. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. Bryce here from Chicago calling up a momentous occasion. Tonight, we went out in the town here in Chicago to do our own Mythbusters investigative work, and it turns out the Asian massage parlor myth confirmed.

And this was definitely one episode of Mythbusters with a truly happy ending. Immortal power. Plug it in. This is the worst call we've ever gotten. What? This is horrible. Jordan, Jesse, Jess. This guy just called us after a massage parlor handjob.

To revel in his combination of racism and being a John? I was Destination of racism and being a John? Oh, God. I was thrown because I'm like, is this the new kickball team? Is this the new pub trivia? Just you and your buddies. You got some beards.

You head out onto the town. You head out into, I don't know where you're from. You're Brooklyn. You're Brooklyn. You're Oakland. You find some sex slaves. Well, I was going to say you find some myths to bust before the sex came into it. I'm like, are these guys just doing like, oh, let's drink Pop Rocks and then Coke. But yeah, then it went to hand jobbery.

This is literally, guy, I'm sure you're a good man, but you're on the wrong path. You've made some bad choices. I kind of like his tone was amazing. He's like, yeah, I did it. It's carte blanche, right? It's like we did some myth busting. We went down to see if you can actually buy crack cocaine. We did a little investigation. And apparently beating a man will send you to jail.

Myth! Bodies are pervious to bullets. But I do want to give him some advice. Apparently there is a lot of prostitution in the chiropractic clinics in Southern California. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. And it's not a myth either. Yeah.

It is so fucking great. Do not get the, well, it depends on what you want. You do like the special adjustment. I do like the special adjustment. I get a little acupuncture. You know right away that you say you're not the chiropractor. I just have him shank it with a couple needles. You're not the chiropractor.

Was that a cry for help possibly? It must have been a cry for help. This guy was so stoked. And he didn't sound drunk or anything. He just sounded excited to have done a horrible thing. It seems like his tone was that of someone who had just caught a foul ball. Fuck, he did it had just caught a foul ball. I thought you were going to say – Bug, he did it.

Just caught a fish. Caught a fish, sure. Or, yeah. Or caught a nice grouper. Did he do it with buddies? It sounded like he was in a group. He was being a grouper. What happened?

What happened to everyone? Yeah, it sounded like a group of buddies. So did you guys all get the hand job, hand job, hand job? We did it. I think that you have to be with a group of buddies to normalize doing something that lousy, right? Like everybody has to be talking each other into it so that at any moment when a normal human being would say, hey, this is a terrible thing to do, then the buddies are like, woo, we're myth busted.

We're out here busting myths. We're doing something for science. The question is who could walk out behind that curtain and give you a hand job and not have it be an ethical problem? Daniel Day-Lewis. Exactly. Have it be an ethical problem. Daniel Day-Lewis.

Exactly. He makes you a fine pair of shoes. Sure, sure. Meth busting. Yeah. Daniel Day-Lewis. It's true. He does do it.

Well, let's take another call. I got to get the bad taste of that call out of my mouth. By the way, that was me calling in. Yes. On this occasion, I was just working on my boat motor, and I saw a gigantic spider dangling down from the garage door in front of me. So I was watching it when a giant hornet came in and attacked it out of midair, stung it, and then proceeded to bite, to have a fight with it to the death, and the hornet won, and then bit off all the spider's legs, cracked open its abdomen, and ate the goo inside.

Now that is immortal power. Look at him. Fucking ill. Are these things so big to where he can see all that going on? He had to be pretty close, right? Yeah. He's got a jeweler's loop. Yeah. It seems like this is maybe what you imagine is going on. Yeah. He busted the myth.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't like this call. They didn't have handjobs or naked ladies in it. Well, that is pretty spectacular. It is. No, that is pretty spectacular. It is. Also because he feels like the spider kind of protected him. I mean, the wasp kind of protected him. It was a hornet.

It was like a totem hornet. Yeah, it's a familiar. Yeah, exactly. To me, it sounded like the spider was coming down to bite him while he's working on his boat motor. And then out of the blue, like the Hornet sensed that. Yeah. And then just took it. He should, to test the Hornet's loyalty, he should put himself in another dangerous situation

to see if the Hornet swoops in. If it happens again, I think it's done. I think you then know. Like maybe go to a timeshare presentation and if the Hornet swoops in and stings the guy. I think if it sat on his shoulder too, that would be another kind of tip. Yeah, that may be. That's egregious though

because after you've already killed the spider and then you're, it's like kicking, you know. Right. That's a- It's too much. Kicking a spider when it's- Can I say a sex-related momentous occasion that involved no sadness or coercion?

Well, a little bit of sadness, but it has a triumphant ending. So a listener emailed me. I don't know if this person is a Jordan Jesse Goh listener, but I got this email that said, MaxFunCon life-changing in the subject line. And the email said, you know, hey, you know, I'm – Make dick bigger, FR333. The email said, I've always been, you know, not a super social guy and I was a little nervous about going to MaxFunCon.

Are you sure it wasn't just I've never been a super soaker guy? I've always been one of those. Preferred a more traditional water pistol. Pump blaster. Yeah, sure. He said, you know, I've never been a super social guy and I was a little nervous about going to Max Fun Con, especially by myself. But I got a ticket and I went. And anyway, long story short, and he says, I don't know if you really want to know this, but I'm going to tell you because it was pretty important.

know if you really want to know this, but I'm going to tell you because it was pretty important. I went to the party and I had a really good time at the Saturday night party and I ended up talking to this girl and she was a really cool girl. And we went back to her cabin and we had sex. Anyway, I lost my virginity at MaxFunCon. Jesse, don't read my letter on the air. And I sent him back an email. I didn't want to know that. However, it remains the greatest email I've ever gotten in my entire life. I am so excited about it. I don't like people disobeying the no sex rule. Right. I understand that.

I feel like they went behind our backs. Right. I mean we're very – And they didn't reach up front. No. Yeah. Wait. They did?

They did because they're breaking the no sex rule. Yeah. You know, the semantics of this joke that I made, it's not a great joke to begin with. But that letter is a Casey Kasem moment, you know, for the – Just a beautiful late night dedication situation. Podcasting. That's right. Just – I'm so happy about this.

And, you know, I don't think there's that many virgins at MaxFunCon. I mean, there's occasionally, there's usually a few kids, you know, there's a few teens. Yeah. I don't think teens should make sense. There aren't any more. I think in year one there were. Yeah. But I, it's just, just, I'm just so happy about it.

I just couldn't be like, you know, we get one of the nice things about doing a public thing and sharing your contact information. Obviously there's downsides. But the, one of the nice things is people send you an email about how your stupid thing got them through a tough time in their life, you know? And that's always wonderful. This may be the best one of those i've ever gotten um do you think people are going to start demanding like a dick wet guarantee oh max fun con do you think it's going to turn into we both or a pussy wet guarantee we both read nathan rabin's book about uh juggalos and fish fans and we know about what goes on

at uh the gathering of the juggalos where dudes literally walk around with cardboard homemade signs that say, I'm a virgin, please fuck me. Wow, just put it on the table. I don't know. Well, I mean, like, I think just given the Max Fun aesthetic, like these might be like crocheted pillows. You guys are going to say felt? Yeah, some felt characters.

Sure. Sure, maybe like 8-bit art. Yeah, absolutely. But, I mean, there will be a version of that, I think. Some felt characters. Sure. Sure. Maybe like 8-bit art. Yeah. Absolutely. But I mean, there'll be a version of that, I think. Something in that new highway font. Sure. For clarity and readability.

You know about that new super clear, I want to say it's called. You got a new font? You got a new font. They're rolling it out right now. All right. Yeah, because the old one, it's a long story, but the old one's based on hand-painted lettering, and the new one's a lot more legible. Oh, that'll be nice. It's going to be really nice.

God, this is interesting! Jordan. Sorry, I was just so interested that I had to yell. Put down that donut, Jordan. If you want to share a momentous occasion with us, give us a call at 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN, or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. James Ridgemouth, man, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. James Ridgemouth, man in the stunning dress.

Rob Bedecker, man on the chair. Shit. It's true. It's true. It's true, but that's literal truth. But you know what? It's also a kind of deeper philosophical truth. Yeah.

Because you're so lazy. Thank you. Thank you. Did you guys see man in the chair on philosophical truth. Yeah. Because you're so lazy. Thank you. Thank you. Did you guys see Man in the Chair on a Wire? Yeah. Little, little dull. Yeah. A little dull.

It's scary though. Yeah. I mean, to be up there doing that. Sure. Rolling them wheels. Okay. Guys out there, look, there's only a few special things. Casper Hauser, one of the special things.

Run, don't walk to get their book. Earn your MBA on the toilet. It is... The name makes it sound like a slightly different thing than it actually is. It is so strange and so hilarious. And as with all of

Kasper Hauser's books, it's just one of the best things and I really hope that you will go out and buy it right now because you should just make that a priority in your life. It's not expensive. It's like $12 on Amazon probably. It's $100 on Amazon. Right. I mean you can afford that. That's the test pressing though, right?

That's right. That's just a month of specialty coffee. That's right. You know what I mean? It's a month of Starbucks. You got your $100. You get the test pressing of earn your MBA on the toilet. What if you want the colored vinyl?

If you want the colored vinyl, you're going to have to give up a lot more than just your Starbucks. You're going to have to give up your donut, which is going to be tough for you, Jordan. It is. Because you are pumped right now. Yeah. You are pumped. Yeah, you're getting this donut when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. And, yeah, I want to emphasize, we got this video contest going on right now.

Do whatever the fuck you want. Pull a clip. You know what I mean? Put it on the YouTubes. Tag it Jordan Jesse Go. We're sending out shit. Yeah. It just so happens that this weekend I am in San Francisco, so we're recording this ahead of time.

So we can't actually look and see who's entered yet. But we will be. Our producer, Sonny D, is going to be looking. And buy some tickets to our London show. Hopefully by the time you hear this, all the information will be up on the website. But it will be just before our Edinburgh show. And go to MaximumFun.org. Buy some tickets.

Is it after? A couple days after our Edinburgh show? A couple days after? Yeah. A couple days after our Edinburgh show. Yeah, you're right. You're right, Jordan. Buy some tickets. Is this after? A couple days after our Edinburgh show? A couple days after? Yeah. A couple days after our Edinburgh show. Yeah, you're right. You're right, Jordan. You're right.

It's going to be great. It's going to be a blast. We'll have special guests. Yeah, if you're in Europe, fucking get down to one of these things. You know what? Get down to one of these things. Realistically, how far is it from Barthelona, as you assholes call it, to London, England? Yeah, get down there.

Just get on a Ryan jet. Pay your 50 bucks to take a pee, you know, to get to sit in a chair, whatever it is. You know, it's a, I don't care if you live in Majorca. You live in a tropical paradise right now. You're out dance clubbing and drinking chocolate drinks. Sure. Get on a fucking ferry. Yeah. Go to, up the Thames to London, England. chocolate drinks. Sure. Get on a fucking ferry.

Yeah. Go up the Thames to London, England. If you're in the Alps, get on one of those hangers, hanging trolleys. Or one of those giant dogs. Yeah, get inside a St. Bernard's barrel and come on down to the show. Make this a priority. If you're an Italian-speaking Swiss, you know what I mean? Get out of the T-Rolls

and get over to London, England. Yeah, do it. And hey, if you're that burlesque lady who called, can you introduce me to the woman who did fat and stabbed the bag of Cheetos with a knife? Found it enjoyable and erotic.

Both. It was surprising, and I think about it often. So, happy ending, guy. Turn your life around. Yeah, anybody else we should yell at? Is there anybody else who needs yelling at? Go to London. Do you guys just want to do any general yelling at anyone?

I don't know. It's fun to yell. Anyway, JJGo at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor Jordan Jesse Go for your company, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org or whatever else of our shows. Get on public radio. Hey, by the way, Bullseye is on KPCC in Los Angeles Saturdays at 3. So if you live in the Southern California area get on that

that's big news for us and we love you very much James, Rob thanks for flying down to do this it's a pleasure to see you as always pleasure it was a little insincere but I'll take it what? we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica

MaximumFun.org Until next time, I'm Jordan Jessico.