Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 286: Monkey Feast with Scott Simpson

Episode Date: August 5, 2013

Scott Simpson joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of global warming, cracker jacks, playground ipod touches, Air BNB and celebrity appearances at Boatparty.biz. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles for those concerned about the weather here in L.A. Get a lot of emails, you know, if I miss a week. It's a growing concern. Jordan, if I, if I, well, there's global warming, if that's even real.

I don't think it is. But, I mean, I just basically go off whatever Michael Crichton says. You know, if it is. It's a shame that he died because there's a lot of stuff that I need him to, like, weigh in on. Well, at least you got that information on spheres. Sure. Talking robot gorillas. I do believe global warming is real. I don't know if

human beings are creating it. Yeah. I think that polar bears might be creating it to support the polar bear industry. How does how does a phenomenon that destroys their habitat? My dogs Coco and Sissy, by the way, they know about the polar bears. Sure. How does a phenomenon that destroys their habitat help them in their industry? I guess that's confusing. You would think that the polar bears would be the

last ones that would want to help or push along or create global warming. Let's introduce our guest and then we'll get into this polar bear thing. Last word, last word, last word. I think it's probably toucans because they like a tropical environment. Jordan, it's not the last word.

We're going to get into the polar bear thing. Oh, okay, okay. Did I not just say that we're going to get into the polar bear thing, Jordan? You did. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like you don't even listen to me. I don't know. Is this going to be a crossfire style yell fest or is this going to be like Shields and Brooks on the NewsHour, a frank and honest exchange of views?

Oh, it should be like The View. Can I be Jenny McCarthy? You certainly have the bust. That's true. I didn't get these giant breast implants for nothing. You have her pulchritudinous figure. Okay. I didn't get these giant breast implants for nothing. You have her pulchritudinous figure. Okay, our guest on the program is a comedian, a sometime writer, the one-time co-host of the Smash It podcast, You Look Nice Today, a friend of our program, Mr. Scott Simpson. Hi, Scott.

Hi, boys. What a delight. So nice to see you. This is the best. Shut up. Shut up. What animal do you think is behind global warming? I'm trying to explain.

Why polar bears? Go ahead, Scott. Cars? Are cars an animal? You know what? The reason is, think about it. Yeah. You're a polar bear.

Okay. Where do you live? Wait, hold on. Let me get there. Okay, I'm a polar bear. Use an as if. It's as if I'm a giant bear covered in white fur. Well, I'm using sense memory.

Who eats only the fat off of seals. Sure. You're using sense memory from the time you ate the fat off a seal? Mm-hmm. I mean, I was in a snowbank. You're a polar bear. Mm-hmm. You live where?

North Pole. Okay. Am I a male or female polar bear? You're male. Cool. You're all male. Sweet, dude. Okay. Am I a male or female polar bear? You're male. Cool. You're all male. Sweet, dude. Sweet.

Big schlong. You're polar bear. Sweet. Sweet, white, furry schlong. Yeah. All man. Okay. So you're up there.

Can't see this bad boy in the snow. A few months out of the year. Boom. It busts through the ice. Your lakes are frozen. I can destroy an ice flow with my boner, right? Yes. You hang out waiting for the seals

to surface for air. When they do, you grab them with your claws, you flip them out of the water, you flay them as they lay, and you eat the fat right off their bodies. You don't even bother eating the meat because you don't need that shit. Oh, brother, I didn't. Is this real? Is this based on a thing you saw?

Like this is how polar bears do? Yeah, I read a book about polar bears. Pretty good. So that's your life. When the lakes or whatever are frozen. When it's not frozen, you're just going around. You're desperate for anything. You're trying to eat a few berries.

You might be losing 20%, 30%, 40% of your body fat over the course of six months. That's no fun. Jordan, I know you've done an occasional cleanse. Sure. But, you know, this takes cleanse to a whole new level. Yeah, right. Well, polar bears don't have access to cayenne pepper, so that makes their cleanses a lot less effective. This is like a cleanse on steroids.

Am I right, guys? Baroids. That's what Bear Lance Armstrong was taking. Now. To win the bear tour to France. Imagine the life of a polar bear in a zoo. What do you do? You hang out.

You got a simulated rock. Okay. Some sort of tire-based game or activity. Real relaxing. When you're bored, you can have a fuck fest. Yeah. But maybe, but captivity makes you want to fuck less, though. Every so often.

Man, it's pandas. Somebody dumps a giant bucket of fish right in front of you. You get to fuck up those fish. You go fish crazy. And it's probably a bucket of fish right in front of you. Mm-hmm. You get to fuck up those fish. Yeah. You go fish crazy. And it's probably a mix of fish. Oh, it's probably whatever they got. Market price. Yeah, it's not just seal fat.

No way. You get sardines. You get flounder. You get big ones. You get little ones. You get all kinds of fish. Some are still alive, so they're kind of fun and flipping around. That's fun for you.

So the whole deal with polar bears is they're trying to get down here instead of up there oh so they're just trying to destroy their own habitat so people will bring them into a zoo yeah a zoo or whatever i mean it's possible they'll just march on north america i can see it i can i can certainly see the possibility uh let's say that the situation gets worse and worse of us, maybe somebody in the Middle East, building a gigantic polar bear-friendly habitat. Probably on a polar bear-shaped island. Sure, on a polar bear-shaped island sponsored by all kinds of companies. Or possibly an archipelago shaped like a series of polar bears.

That one didn't work out so well. They tried that one. Like one bear per island ended up being kind of lonely. But, you know, they could build not just a zoo. You figured they would surf on the simulated surfing waves

between the islands. That's what the architects planned for. Surfboards, they just hadn't engineered them for polar bears. The worst part was the skiers that were visiting the island simulated snow slopes kept getting eaten. Yeah, because the slope just ended right at the polar bear island, which was bad. The polar bear just learned to hang out at the bottom of the slope with his mouth open.

I mean, when are man-made pleasure islands going to learn that the best the best way to go is a zipline based mode of transportation right it's really anyway no no sorry when will they when will they hear our cry i don't i don't mean to get on my high horse guys but i have a lot of uh i but some people say i'm in the pocket of big zipline right but uh jordan here's here's another thing okay another reason why polar you don't think it's toucans, though? Let me tell you about why polar bears would want to come down here. Every year around Christmas, I watch a lot of nature documentaries about polar bears. I know what they like to do.

I know what they like to wear. I know what they like to drink. And the truth is, it's going to be very difficult for these polar bears to find bottles of Coca-Cola north of the Arctic Circle. That's right. Whereas down here they can drink as many colas and wear as many pairs of polar bear-sized sunglasses as they want to. Do you think that when they get down here it's going to be like a huge culture shock because what they're used to is that kind of classic old-fashioned soda fountain coke bottle right when they're getting you know plastic bottles liter bottles cans you know what with the growing popularity of what's broadly known as the mexican coke we

imported cola from uh from other countries where it's still made with sugar rather than corn syrup everybody knows polar bears hate corn syrup. I think you're safe. I think these polar bears are going to like life down in the lower 48 is what I'm trying to say. But I'm just saying, like, what if the polar bears don't, you know, immediately have access to, you know, a bodega or a hip food truck or something like that? I mean, what if they are, you know? Here's the thing. I'm afraid across the border each of them gets a cassette single like a single of jimmy buffett's margaritaville okay and as soon

as they pop that in the old bear walk man all their worries are just going to melt away it's a good point i i just i'm concerned i'm concerned that this is going to be like that scene in shawshank redemption right where the guy gets out of prison got eaten by the polar bear this is the director's cut it's very weird yeah but truer to stephen king's original story sure yeah exactly stephen king's original original story was mostly about the polar bear. Yeah. There's a brief scene in prison. Flashed between. Sure.

It flashed between Tim Robbins, who in the book was called Tim Robbins. They gave him a character name. Well, I don't know, but all the Stephen King stories take place in the same universe, too. So, I mean, I think we're meant to believe it's Tim Robbins after coming off the set of It. Right. Exactly. Well, I mean, but you're Toucan. I mean, you're Toucan Theory. I don't understand. I think we're meant to believe it's Tim Robbins after coming off the set of It. Right. Exactly. Well. I mean, but you're Toucan.

I mean, you're Toucan Theory. I can understand. Just to finish my Shawshank analogy, I think that the polar bears will get down here. They will see that the Coke bottles, by and large, are not as folksy and charming as the ones they're used to. And I think they're going to hang themselves. Sorry. Go ahead. Toucans.

That does sound sad. Yeah. Toucans. I mean, it's hard to hang themselves. Sorry. Go ahead. Toucans. That does sound sad. Yeah. Toucans. I mean, it's hard to support that. They have those thick necks, too, so there's going to be a lot of failed attempts. Oh, God. Just polar bears falling out of trees left and right. That's going to be a danger in itself.

Kind of funny, though. Another one messed up. Yeah. I mean, one thing, one piece of evidence in favor of toucans. Look at that big galoot. Can't even kill himself. And one piece of evidence in favor of toucans. Look at that big galoot. Can't even kill himself. One piece of evidence behind toucans possibly being behind global warming is how powerful their beaks are.

Yeah. They can use their beaks to open nuts. Bottles of Coca-Cola. How about this? Bottles of aerosol hairspray. Oh, God. You know what I'm saying? I get it.

They have that beautiful plumage. You don't think that doesn't take some upkeep? I just think it's about time that Obama sat down and really made sure that we as a nation can have a toucan that runs on clean coal. Right. I think that, I don't it's i think it's time that may be colored by the fact that you're a senator from pennsylvania west virginia west virginia i'm gonna go west virginia either one's i think relevant yeah but um but uh but i i still nonetheless i take your point i mean if i was president ob right now, you know who I would have a sit down with?

Jungle Jack Hanna. And just run some species. From the San Diego Zoo. Well, he's a goodwill ambassador for the San Diego Zoo. He doesn't actually work there. He's not actually a naturalist. Oh, I didn't know that about Jack Hanna. He's no qualifications at all.

I love khaki. He has that outfit. He has that outfit. Yeah. He has that outfit. But, you know, you sit down with Jungle Jack, you run a few species by him. So what about a capybara, world's largest rodent, real shifty looking? You know what I mean? And figure out which of these, because if it's not humans, which I think we can all take as red, we can stipulate to that.

You know, it's got to be another species. And Jungle Jack's the kind of guy who would know if it's a lynx. Sure. You know what I mean? I think, I mean, can I just float it out there that it might not just be one animal? I mean, is it crazy to think that it's a coalition of six or seven animals that finally, because they were able to talk at a zoo, because we jammed them together into a small space where they never would have otherwise interacted, now they're coming up with all the plans.

Sure. I mean, to continue the Shawshank analogy. Yeah, exactly. I mean, a polar bear never sees a toucan except in a zoo. Right. So we're giving them a sort of model United Nations style training program in interspecies diplomacy by bringing them all together so they can all get together. And then at night, probably when we're not paying attention, just as in the model United Nations, they're all getting drunk, having sex, smoking cigarettes. This is dark stuff that we've uncovered, gentlemen. Boy, yeah. I appreciate your efforts in this department. Look, I'm going to get the president on the horn, and we'll see what we can do.

And I'll get Arlen. Well, I mean, should we just cut out the middleman, and then should we just slip into the zoo under cover of night and start indiscriminately killing animals? I mean, it's a solution. Yeah. I don't know if it's the solution. I would discriminate between the animals. Oh, yeah. Like maybe reptiles are okay because they're not that smart.

Yeah, but they are pretty slimy. That's true. I mean, we don't have to just be killing animals because they're plotting the end of the world via global warming. We can just kill them because they suck. Right. That's the best. Okay, just kill them because they suck. Right. That's the best. Okay, so we start with the suckier animals, and we work our way up to the cute and useful. Yeah, let's see.

So let's just start killing zoo animals from the grossest up, and then we'll kill, let's say... Wait, let's be specific here. Are we saying gross, or are we saying lame? Great question. I'd say just, yeah, lame. I mean, I think in the case of the snake, they're both. Pretty cool, but they're kind of.

I think I would call the snake lame. Oh, no, the snake owners are lame. Never mind. Yeah, yeah. Snakes are pretty cool. Don't, don't. So we just, we sneak into the zoo and we kill all the snake owners we can find. Sure.

And then we see, we wait for. You know, just anyone, anyone in a utila killed. And then we the snake owners we can find. Sure. And then we see, we wait for 40 or... You know, just anyone in a Utila kilt. And then we wait for 40 or 50 years... Sure. ...to see if the global warming stops. Mm-hmm. And if it doesn't, we'll just, you know, we'll keep working our way up so we don't have to kill a koala. This is great.

Right. That's because that's ideal. I like that the doggies are barking. They're on board. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, on the Maximum Fun Network. I'm here with my lovely and talented secretary, Miss Shana Feinberg. Shana, I understand you've been doing a bit of research to find out what listeners think of the show. Yes, I have, Dave.

And what have you found? Well, people that love it say they love it because it's just Dave hanging out with someone in his apartment. Awesome. What do people that hate it say? They hate it because it's just Dave hanging out with someone in his apartment. Oh. Listen to Dave Hill's podcast dancing

on the Maximum Fun Network. Mother f***er. Was that too much? No, I think it was perfect. I'm sorry. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke.

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I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke. I'm so broke Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, and Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scott Simpson, riding the flagpole. Right up there, huh? I guess so. I don't know.

It just came out. Is that what you call it when you get one of those polar bear boners? When Jordan gets one of those polar bear boners. Yeah. We're riding the flagpole. Hop on. Do you ever feel like today's youth don't have enough charming contest-based fads? Yeah, I mean, that's always a concern. Flagpole sitting.

Yeah. Oh, I get it. Stuffing. Phone booth stuffing. Dance endurance competitions. Raccocoon coats. Mm-hmm. It's like less a contest and more a coat, but yeah, I mean, I see what you mean.

Yeah. Maybe that's been replaced by flash mobs. I think you can probably only have a world in which you either have silly contests or a bunch of dummies dancing in grass. Well, I think they're like making their own Super Bowl commercials, too, for Doritos. Oh, that's true. I think that has, I think that's replaced, that's replaced the goldfish eating and, you know, those kind of classic. I think they just eat Doritos, Locos, tacos.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, that's, but I mean, the goal is to somehow get yourself in a Super Bowl commercial. Somehow get yourself in a Super Bowl commercial. My mother once won a bubble blowing contest in our neighborhood. She blew the biggest bubble. Wait, a neighborhood bubble blowing contest? It was a neighborhood bubble. It was organized by the Lions Club or the Block Association.

Scott's Neighborhood Bubble Promotion Society. I think it was just our neighborhood had a party and somebody thought it would be fun to have that as the theme. It doesn't make sense now in my memory that that would be a thing, but it was the 70s. People were excited about living in the suburbs. Sure. They wanted the urban experience. One of the obvious things about an urban experience is a fun bubble-blowing contest. Right.

So I think they just— That's why they always had bubble blowing contests on Sesame Street. They brought it out with them from your brownstones. New Yorkians would recognize a bubble blowing contest. That's why my mom always got a healthy salute from an olive skin gentleman.

Yeah, so she won a year's supply of bazooka bubble gum. I've always been confused when you win a year's supply of something. How much is that assuming you eat per day, per week? Yeah, do they just – what I want it to be is that you just have a bazooka guy that you can just call and say I'm out. Send over another pallet. Yeah, and then he sends over a pallet.

More comics with Mort, you say. Yeah, well, because Mort's talking through that turtleneck. Sure. It's hilarious every time. You know what I mean? Classic Mort. I read them all. I read them all.

Classic Mort. You know, all the Bazooka Joe comics take place in the same universe as all the Stephen King books. Is that right? I did know that. Yeah. Rural men. That's why Tim Curry pops up in all of them, as Tim Curry. So I would like for it to be that, but I worry that there's just a guy who sends you just 100 bazookas and says the average American eats one bazooka every three days.

And that's the end of it. Yeah. Yeah. I think, well, you hear about radio stations giving away a year's supply of gasoline. Right. You know, if you really had unlimited gasoline, you'd be having gasoline parties. Sure. You'd be putting gasoline in your hair instead of hair gel.

Like, you'd find a million ways to take advantage of this. You'd set up your own gas station. Yeah. It'd be putting gasoline in your hair instead of hair gel. You'd find a million ways to take advantage of this. You'd set up your own gas station and start reselling. You'd lube up before you jerk off. It would be a reality bite situation. Your living would become reselling that gasoline. Exactly.

Maybe I'm speaking from too corporate a perspective here, but I feel like they do have to limit it at some point. You're a bit of a corporate stoo here, but I feel like they do have to limit it at some point. You're a bit of a corporate stooge, but I'll accept the point. Yeah. So what happened in your case? Wait, I'm going to say I once won third place or second place in the Columbia Park Boys Club Halloween costume competition. By the way, I lost to a fucking kid who was just wearing his dad's cop uniform.

Just bullshit. i guess they just wanted to honor policemen it's not for their service it's not a fucking costume that's just some shit your dad had in the house already anyway had his dad been killed in the line of duty earlier that year yes okay that okay well still though By the director of the Columbia Park Boys Club, and he felt real bad. Yeah. Jewel heist gone wrong. I won one case of Diet 7-Up and two cases of Carnation Instant Breakfast. You should have put those together.

Yeah. To make super breakfast. You won what he accidentally took home from Costco. He's like, oh, what's this? Okay. It's my prize. To make super breakfast. You won what he accidentally took home from Costco. He's like, oh, what's this? Okay, it's my prize. One vanilla or one strawberry, one chocolate. It was still very exciting to me. That is a lot of carnage.

What was your costume? I think that was the year I was a guy with a shark eating his head. That's pretty good. Yeah, we built a shark out of like, you know, what's that called? Chicken wire and rubber. Wow. And put it over my shoulders. I just wore like a Hawaiian shirt, you know, but then I had a shark mounted on my shoulders.

Yeah. It was pretty good. That vacation did not go as planned. No, sir. Surprised you fit an economy on the way home. Yeah, and you're just living your casual, cool lifestyle. So how'd you get those Bazooka Joe comics that happened to come

with chewing gum? How did, what? In what form did you get them? One big delivery? It was one big delivery. It was basically a case of, which at first seemed like the, I mean, it was by far the most gum I had ever held in my arms before.

You could hold it in your arms? It was, yeah, it was probably, what, yay big, yay wide, yay heavy. We're looking at the size of like 24. Yeah, about 15 pounds maybe. Like maybe one or two carnation instant breakfast cases. Yes, everybody knows exactly how big those are. So yeah, about one or two of those, maybe 15 pounds of gum. I've been saying this for years.

I mean, we should switch our measurements here in the U.S. to the carnation system. Yeah. We were here. Standardized. Yeah, right. How big is your dick? Capitalized. About three carnations.

Yeah, so it was about 15 pounds. It seemed like a tremendous amount of gum. But I have. One or two gum parties. Yeah, I have a gum problem. Maybe, you know what? Now that I think of it, I feel like that might have been the start of my gum problem. I just would chew piece after piece. Of course, bazooka.

You want to see what happens next in the comic series. So you were eating the gum in order. I was looking for the jokes. Yeah. So I would chew six or seven pieces. Well, he was piecing them back together like the new series of Arrested Development. Oh, okay.

Supposedly, by the end, it got funny. The Persian children in Argo, when they were splicing back together the pictures of the fugitives, it was like that. Only it was with Mort. Yeah, it was with Mort. And Bazooka Joe.

And nobody died. And the other characters whose names I don't remember. Yeah, I guess I only know Mort. Yeah. Is there a girl? Nah, it's the worst. Okay. I remember that Swell bubble gum was gross compared to Bazooka bubble gum.

Bazooka has that great classic gum, the white powder on the outside, like a baseball card gum. Yeah. Then it's a heavy chew, and then when you break through that heavy chew into a regular chew, and you know it's ready to blow,

nothing beats that feeling. Yeah, when she's ready to blow. Do you think in Bazooka joe comics these days like if we went down now and got one we would still get a confucius say do you think that has been that's been uh that's been written off as racist or do you think that's still part of the bazooka joe brand you should say sexting something something. Yeah. So you got a giant box of. Oh, one quick aside, R.E. prizes in snacks.

I was talking earlier about getting a box of Cracker Jack for the first time in a long time. It was hard for me to eat because it was so sweet. So I could only eat, you only eat two or three a day. Finally got to the bottom. Finally got to the prize. Wait, two or three pieces per day? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Jordan's been off sugar for a long time. Okay. Everything other than hot water makes my teeth hurt. Okay. So I finally got to the end, the prize. I unwrapped this little thing. Apparently to get my prize, I got topped it's a little thing. Apparently to get my prize, I gotta download a Cracker Jack app. What?

And it had a code for me to put into an app. That was, that felt, that felt almost ridiculously modern. Like, there was no, no attempt at folksiness, no attempt at nostalgia. They just, they were going right for those hip app, app downloaded millennials. You didn't even get

like a temporary tattoo? No temp tattoo, no pencil topper. I mean, at least a temporary tattoo of a QR code. Yeah, right? You can scan with your phone? That would have been a way to handshake it into the modern era. You're right. It's always been.

Cracker Jack's never... I've never gotten anything or heard about anything good coming out of a Cracker Jack box. I think the Cracker Jack somehow... At some point in the 1970s, they just said, fuck it. Yeah. They just said, look, some people are going to buy this shit at baseball games. Let's fire as many people as we can and focus on the people who buy it after they remember it from the baseball song. Do you think that there are – I mean, I don't know.

I mean, I don't have kids. I don't know what they're out there doing. Do you think kids are out on the schoolyard with their Cracker Jack apps open shooting app prizes at each other? Sure. You got to catch them all. You got to, yeah. You know what I mean? Shoot a prize.

Hey, shoot me that – shoot me the app prize. Yeah, that's actually one of the big appeals of a lot of kids in the schoolyard. They have Zunes. They're squirting prizes to each other. Yeah, they really split out between the various digital platforms. It's not even grades anymore. Well, it's mostly, are you a Zune person or you got a Palm Pilot? Yeah, yeah. Or do you have an MP3 man? Is that what they're called?

I don't know. The Sony platform? Sure, it's robust. Well, some people have a Sony Watch, man. Sure. And some people have a Nintendo Game & Watch. Sure. Another popular.

Some people have LED baseball. Sure. And my son is eight now. He's going to third grade. And among his friends, the occasional kid who will have an iPod Touch, it becomes more and more common. My son has an old iPhone of mine that I gave to him and took the SIM card out. So it's just basically an iPod Touch. You know, I –

They call it porno lines in Hong Kong. Yeah. card out. So it's just like basically an iPod touch. You know, I, uh, you know, I, um, uh, having worked in the YouTube space, uh, I, I learned that young, young kids, uh, their kind of first experience with YouTube and being online and stuff is through iPod touches. Yep. It's a big, it's a big thing to give to a kid. Uh, you don't think they can get in too much trouble, but it turns out they can. Yeah. I mean, they can still call other kids racist names. Oh, it makes it easier. Yeah, yeah.

They can look up new ones and then... Sure. Siri, you don't even have to type anything in. Siri. When you say call other kids racist names, you mean call you a faggot. Right. Exactly. Yes.

Because I helped make a YouTube video that they didn't like. Yeah. I understand. So your son's out in the playground, second grade playground, third grade playground. And at the school... I consider myself a kid. Sure.

Yeah. A kid at heart. Kid at heart. And you have a kid's dick. Sure. I have a child's dick. It is a giant child, but it's still childlike.

I'm just going to check and see if this polar bear noose works for me, too. My son will be at the playground, and it's considered weird if your iPod Touch isn't in some way cracked. I've heard this. I feel like I might have told you guys this the one time. You know what? I think I heard about this on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. That's where I get all my news about young people trends.

Well, that Roy Blunt Jr. has got his finger on the pulse. He does. He's caught them all. Yeah, but it is kind of like safety pin through the jeans, whiteout slayer on the backpack. It's kind of designer stressing to your devices. Yep, that's right. That's right. So are you helping your son with that?

Are you taking a little, like, tack hammer and putting some... Something like a ball peen? Yeah. Oh, like a little, like, oh, God, I hadn't even thought about that as a service that Well, help him out. Ball peen hammer? Yeah. Help him out, Scott.

He's going to... They're going to... They're going to beat him up because he's got a... It gets better him. Oh, God. You got to help him stress, Scott. He's going to, they're going to. They're going to beat him up. They're going to, it gets better him. Oh, God. You got to help him stress his devices. All right. Well, I mean, I guess I could just like throw it at.

No, that's not right. Yeah. I just can't do that. That's immoral. Yeah. You got to have a spring carnival and just have kids pay a dollar to throw them at you. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. Everybody perfect. Yeah.

Everybody wins. Yeah. The school gets some money from the spring carnival. I get toughened up a little bit. Need it, definitely. You're a little bit weak. I'm soft. Yeah, like a ball sack.

You know, just soft and vulnerable. Yeah. I think, I mean, how better to strengthen your resolve than to have eight-year-olds hurling Zunes at you? Yeah. I think that's a great idea. Let's do it. Imagine when one of these kids throws a Newton at you. Am I on some kind of platform?

Am I just standing there in the parking lot saying, throw stuff at me? Or am I on some kind of platform or something? You've got to collect a dollar somehow. Have you ever heard of Shirley Jackson's The Lottery? I like that. Oh, okay. Okay. So everybody – no.

I'm imagining a sort of a presidential debate type situation where maybe Jim Lehrer collects the dollar and then, Scott, you're on a dais in maybe a blue blazer. And then kids get to flinging. I just got a sweatshirt on that says Big Zip Line. Oh, boy, yeah. Kids could take out all their frustrations at Big Zip Line by hurling a Samsung Galaxy Note at you. You have to admit, you really haven't done much for clean coal. Not lately.

Yeah, so that's why kids are so pissed. Yeah. They know what kind of power stack a thing runs on. You know, certain zip lines are coal-powered. Really? So, yeah. I think we need to shut those down. I've been thinking about, ever since you mentioned zip lines for the first time, I've been thinking

that I've never seen this before. A zip line, a two-way zip line. Now, hold on, hold on. Of course, gravity is the power. Sure. But wouldn't you just have to, let's say you have like a hydraulic lift on, even on just one side and it goes up 10 feet and now you can go in the other direction and then it goes down 10 feet and you can go the other, like you could have a really nice pedestrian cross. I thought the idea was to have a two-person zip line, and maybe you meet in the middle and kiss. But that's not what you were getting at.

That's a terrible idea. That does not work. I'm talking about practical solutions for America's future. Jordan's idea is pretty good because it's so romantic. I guess that makes sense. You ever heard of Scott? I know you're kind of new to writing and, you know, you've done some short articles. But, I mean, you've never written a screenplay.

No, no. There's a tenant in screenplay writing. It's called the meet-cute. And you need to have it. And I don't know. I think the only one that hasn't been done is the meat in the middle on the two-way zip line. Yeah, I mean, think of the best movies.

Scott, save the cat. Think of the greatest movies ever and their meat cutes. Star Wars. Mm-hmm. Rosemary's Baby. Band of Brothers. Sure. TV show, but... It had filmic elements. Yeah.

Oh, God. Carrie 2, The Rage. Carrie 2, The Rage. It's a perfect example. Police Academy. 2, The Rage. So you're saying all of those had that meet-cute moment. Yeah.

Specifically on a zip. And that's why these are beloved movies. Right, right, right. Because of the zipline element. Because of the zipline. Right. When Harry met Sally. of the zipline. Right. When Harry met Sally. On the zipline.

Right. Do you remember the scene in When Harry Met Sally where they're on the zipline and the sort of middle-aged lady says, I'll have what he's having. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. And then they hook her up to a zipline. Of course. Of course. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I get it. All right. Or you remember the scene in Big when they're at the FAO Schwartz. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I get it. All right. Or you remember the scene in Big when they're at the FAO Schwartz? Yeah, yeah. And they're playing that song on the giant zip line? Yeah, that's adorable. Yeah. I love...

It's called a meat cube. Hmm. It's called that because meat is so cute. Right. Sure, exactly. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective scott simpson sweaty and ready i'm wondering if doing this segment with my dog on my lap

is going to ruin everything i mean yeah I think maybe you'll be more relaxed. Yeah, that's a pretty good point. Because you have been super ganked up this episode. Yeah, no, I'm pumped. I mean, there's no doubt about that. I am a high wire act right now. I am jazzed. I'm like a fucking football player right before the Super Bowl.

I am ready to pound some ass. That's what the football players do in the Super Bowl, right? Yeah, well, I mean, the Super Bowl of butt-fucking. Those aren't football players, though. Is there another Super Bowl? There's one of American football. Oh. I didn't know that.

Is that named after the butt-fucking one? You know, they were created the exact same year on opposite coasts. Oh. They didn't know the other one was being invented. Gotcha. I know, see, because NFL, that's National Football League. But I always assumed that was named after the AFL, the American Fucking League. Yeah, you know, it's just one of those things.

Yeah. Flammable and inflammable. Scott, how long have you been here visiting us in Los Angeles? I've been here for just over a week. It's been wonderful. I've been eating lunch in my car. I've been driving to places and being quietly disappointed. No, that's not true.

I've really enjoyed it. I've gone for some nice hikes. Seeing the city from a distance is very pretty. for some nice hikes. Seeing the city from a distance is very pretty. I'm staying in an Airbnb between Los Feliz and Silver Lake. Kind of in...

You recognize almost everybody who walks past you on the street, but not exactly from where town. It's been great. I've enjoyed it very much. You recognize them from the Arcade Fire. Oh, that's what it is. You don't need to wear finger gloves in Los Angeles. Because you're staying in Little Canada.

You're staying in Los Angeles' historic Little Canada neighborhood. I didn't know that was the name of the neighborhood. Where are you? So you're staying in, are you staying, there's no hotels there. No, I got an Airbnb, which is short for Airbnb. Right. Like bumblebees? Yeah, yeah.

It's very small. Yeah. It's very uncomfortable. No, it was great. I figured I had three choices when I came down here. I could stay in a hotel, which really adds up cost-wise, parking and all that.

I could stay with friends. Don't really like my friends who are down here. That's fair. That's fair. We don't like you. And the third one was try out Airbnb for the first time, so I've done that. This is like a website where people who are not in their homes or who are looking to rent out their homes will just let a guy stay in there.

Yeah, and I think it's become more of almost a semi-professional thing where people, at least in the case of this place, she has four apartments that seem to be exclusively leased via Airbnb. They're B&Bers. They're B&Bers. I've stayed in mine. It's just, on the positive side, it's just me. So I go into my little room, and there's a kitchen, and there's a shower, and it's nice,

and there's parking. What's their stuff like? It's fine. They said it's nice and there's parking. What's their stuff like? It's fine. They said it's decorated like a bachelor pad. So that means black stuff from Ikea. Yeah, that's what you'd think. I guess that can mean a lot of different things. Well, here's the bachelor whose house I'm living in. He likes world geography and Isabel Allende.

Oh, so a swinging bachelor. Yeah, a cool bachelor. I'm living in, he likes world geography and Isabel Allende. Oh. So a swinging bachelor. Yeah, a cool bachelor. So it's really fine. It works great. The only problem, and this leads to a bigger problem that I'm having with Airbnb generally that I'm hoping I can get your advice on. So in the morning, it's significant. In the morning, first morning, woken up with just a bright, just a sun splash. Right, a sun blast right in my face, 635.

There's not really a curtain. There's sort of a scrim over the window, which is okay for... When you say a scrim, you mean a scrimshaw. Yeah, I mean hand-decorated whale tooth artwork by sailors. Bone, yeah. The problem is the sun comes right through it. Are you worried that this could be, I don't want to say an attack, but yeah, let's say an attack from like a light-type Pokemon.

Yeah, and I didn't come with my cards, so I don't know. You don't have a water type Pokemon. Yeah. And I didn't come with my cards. Yeah. So I don't know. You don't know. You don't have a water type on hand, which they're weak against. I didn't know what to do.

And I still honestly, here, here's what I've done to date. Okay. Uh, the first couple of days I just kind of, I, I put a towel over my face to keep the sun out.

Uh, like a, like a personal curtain. Yeah. And I got tired of that, so I began hanging bath towels over the window. And that's working okay. These are like their towels, like from their... Their towels, from their supply. And now, if I were...

I'm paying, you know, money to stay. I'm paying actual money. But the problem I'm having... What are we looking at? I don't want to say it in Airbnb, but I'm guessing, what, $600, $800 a night? I mean, that's weekday. Right. Right.

Off-season. Yeah. It's off-season. Gotcha. It's $60, I think it comes out to maybe $50 or $60 a night. This is a major city i think if you're paying 60 a night for a whole place you're just lucky that there's no bugs in the bed oh yeah there's a lock on the door i get water it's great i have no but this one thing is it it's hard and and so it's like blast so the way so the towel hanging isn't doing anything

about it it works fine okay it's a It's an okay makeshift solution. If I were in a hotel, I wouldn't think to myself, like, what kind of makeshift solution could I come up with? I just call the fuck that. You go into the minibar and you hang up Toblerones. That'll keep it out. String them like popcorn. Sure. Just a 4,500 Toblerones slowly melting all it costs you is ten

thousand dollars i would call down to the front desk and i'd say could i have some assistance with this problem and uh and they would send enough liquor for you to drink until you blacked out and so it wouldn't be a problem anymore uh they'd zip line me away from the problem that's what that's called the hotel business sure uh, but with Airbnb hospitality business, but sorry, thank you. Uh, you've been to Cornell, Airbnb. Um, the thing is you're also being rated as a guest because, and, and so I'm always thinking about, you know, if I want to stay somewhere again, I want a good rating. Right. So I have a strong incentive not to complain. Right.

Yeah, that's a really good point. How's your... Where have you been peeing? Oh, outside. I mean, I don't want to use the toilet. I don't want to make a mess. Right. You don't want to mess up that rating.

Yeah, that's... Yeah, that should be... I mean, that could go on your profile. I mean, they could be like, great guest, clearly didn't pee. And you could think, joke's on you, I was doing it outside. Yeah, they think – basically nothing appears used because I'm actually not using anything. I'm not touching anything. I'm just using – I'm breaking in other people's houses.

I have stayed in Airbnb before. I had one when I went to the Bridgetown Comedy Festival this year in Portland. And a buddy of mine organized the whole thing. So the rating thing was his problem. It was all kind of on his shoulders. I think he can rely on a group of young stand-up comedians to take care of the situation. To be respectful. So when I got there,

I got there first. It was like a keys under the mat situation. And I was feeling crummy. I had an early plane. So I kind of just splayed out. Pants came off immediately. I jumped in the shower. I threw some towels around.

I mean, I used them to dry off, and then I just hurled some other ones. What's your soundtrack to this? I'm hearing Gloria, Gloria. But I don't know. That's what I would dance to. No, I mean, just like fugues. Oh.

Yeah. Okay. Dirges. I was hearing, Waterloo, couldn't escape if I wanted to. That would have been good. That would have been good. Yeah. I mean, I've just been hearing that a lot.

I just heard it and then it stuck in my head. So all the different stories. You have a- The toucan thing. Waterloo. You have a meet cute montage Pandora station. Sure. Yeah.

So but then I figured and luckily I had kind of gotten my shit together, put on pants and returned to kind of a normal state where I wasn't, you know, like thrashing around in discomfort. Can I guess the song for the new state? Yeah. Was it Camp Town Ladies? Camp Town Ladies. It was, yeah. It was like old, yeah. Dude, and you're just sitting back reading New York.

Yeah, I have a Stephen Foster Pandora station. And it turned out the guy who lived in the house was still in the house and just rents out his separate rooms. So the guy who lived there was here. No one had informed you that this was a shared living situation? No. I mean, again, I was just flying blind here. Like I was like someone put this together. It was a little it was a little uh um it was a little part of the trip that i didn't have to that i didn't have to take care of it was nice

i kind of liked being feels great not a part of it jump in so maybe this was something i could have known if i would have been more active in preparing and one what can i ask one more question are you being entirely honest about the extent of what you did before you knew that somebody else was in the apartment as well. There was... I didn't mention this. I couldn't find a vein. I couldn't find a vein, so I...

You had to pack the works back up. Yeah. Oh, and there's potpourri in the bathroom and I ate some of it. Waterloo. in the bathroom and I ate some of it. So this guy and the guy, and I know jokes about what Portland is like are a little tired, but the guy was Portland through and through. No glassware in the house that wasn't a mason jar.

Told us where to go to some good pay what you will yoga classes in the morning uh and uh just kind of portlanded around uh had no worked in the logging industry uh well uh uh even even even portlandier than that guy had been in the decemberists was an actual member of the Decemberists for a period of time. So yeah, it was great. So yeah, I kind of enjoyed it. I think I would have enjoyed it more if the dude wasn't there.

He was a perfectly nice dude, but he made me feel self-conscious. I kind of was kind of, you know. I had to book an Airbnb for an upcoming trip. I'm going to be traveling home to the San Francisco Bay Area with my wife and my child. And the thing is, is, I mean, Scott, I know, I imagine your wife's family doesn't live in the same place as your family does. That's right. But when they all live in one place, where you stay, they're on, you know, like that scene in an episode of Dragnet. You guys have watched a lot of episodes of Dragnet.

Sure. Where there's pins on a map and then there's yarn and the yarn is drawing circles around various events. And you look for a pattern. So that's what my parents and my wife's parents do. And my parents are divorced. My parents and my wife's parents do, and my parents are divorced. So these three parties all are drawing circles on maps to figure out exactly where we're staying relative to them and whether we've slighted them. Right. So it's a deeply political decision.

Profoundly political. Right. And they all want us to stay at their house, which is not going to happen. Right, right. Especially with my parents, who I love very much, but are not – it's not – it's just not going to happen, especially with my parents, who I love very much, but are not. It's not. It's just not going to happen. Let's just leave it at that because I love my parents. You know, when police are doing that, when they're like doing the string thing and they're like, oh, it's a pattern.

They're just assuming that criminal has that same map. Right. That seems like a huge leap. Anyway, like and the same length yarn. Right. That seems like a huge leap. Anyway, like, and... And the same length yarn. Sure. Anyway, sorry. Go ahead.

So we ended up in an Airbnb. And the thing is, is with a baby, or in our case, a young toddler now, he's almost two, like a hotel is an impractical solution. Oh, it's terrible. Because what happens is... They just want to play with the ice solution. No, it's terrible. Because what happens is... They just want to play with the ice machine. Well, that, yes. But a baby goes to sleep.

If you're lucky, the baby goes to sleep at 7.30 or 8 or something like that. And then the rest of the night, you have to be there and be totally silent. There's nowhere to stuff a baby in a hotel room. No, it's the worst. You can't watch TV. You can't do anything because it could wake up the baby and it would ruin everything. We just sit them on the ironing board and you flip them up toward the ironing board. Oh, that's a great idea.

Just kind of lock in the baby. Yeah, yeah. Babies like to be upright. Did you know that about babies? I did not know that. And super confined. Yeah, they like to be tightened upright. Yeah, that's why babies have special baby elevators in hotels,

because it's too roomy to be traveling up and down in a big one. Problem there, you don't know what floor the baby got off at. I just assumed you and your wife had read Dr. Spock's Tighten Upright before you... That's deep. box tighten up right before you uh that's deep that's jordan you are you are uncharacteristically well read regarding parenting strategies for somebody with no children that's like six books in yeah right no you're right you're right that's like skipping right to a dance with dragons we read titus baby on the block but it was about something else shouldn't have shouldn't have read it out loud to simon before you had read it to yourself lock, but it was about something else. It was a really upsetting.

Shouldn't have read it out loud to Simon before you had read it to yourself. We ended up in Sausalito, which is the southern... My wife's from Marin County. I'm from San Francisco. It's the southernmost part of Marin County. It's where you get the ferry to San Francisco. And I think my parents are upset about it. Yeah. Yeah, they would be.

It's terrible. But the woman called me, the woman upset about it. Yeah, they would be. It's terrible, but the woman called me, the woman whose house we're renting, she called me, and she said they have a four-year-old boy, and we're welcome to play with any of the fire trucks. Hey. So things are already looking up for my Airbnb. I would like it better if there was one forbidden fire truck that you couldn't play with. And either A, it was- Don't touch the golden truck. Right.

Don't touch Ladder 57, our DVD copy of Ladder 57 starring John Travolta. I would like it if A, it was like behind glass, the forbidden truck, or if they didn't tell you which one it was. Or it was in a tree. Yeah. Or in a box that you could open. Oh, yeah. Who knows what else is inside?

Well, you open the box to get the fire truck, and then someone you don't know dies. Someone you don't know somewhere... Dies. ...will die. Just like in the legendary horror movie Ladder 57 starring John Travolta. Exactly.

One of the best meet-cutes of all time. This is that movie. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scott Simpson, sun-faced. Are you?

I just feel like I got a lot of sun in my face. Oh, right. Like a crack of dawn. What do they mean when someone's moon-faced? I think that means you've got a moony face, like around... Like a butt? What about pie-faced? That means you've recently been assaulted by a clown.

Oh. And it doesn't matter what it is. Here's something people don't know about that expression. It can be anything. It could be seltzer. It could be sleeve scarves. It's just an etymological quirk. Yeah.

You always call it pie-faced whether or not it's pie. It's just any kind of clown assault. It's jargon, essentially. Sure. It's clown pie, just any kind of clown assault. It's jargon, essentially. Sure. It's clown jargon. When something momentous happens to you, we ask that you call us at 206-9844-FUN. We have some telephone calls all ready to go. Lindsay Pavlis, why don't you run out the first one?

This is Matt from New Hampshire. I just had a momentous occasion. I was driving to work this morning. I was going to a faraway site, so I had a long drive in front of me, and I didn't. I was tired, and I was a little cranky, so I was just kind of listening to music, whatever. And right towards the end of the drive, I look in my rearview mirror, and there's a guy driving behind me, and he is just going nuts. Like, there's clearly some amazing song on the radio, and he's bobbing his head and gesticulating wildly with his arms.

And I was already charmed to death. Like, I was already like, this guy is already turning my day around. This is amazing. And then as I was sort of intermittently watching him while not running my car into a telephone pole, I noticed he kept, like, every once in a while he would glance behind him. And I realized he had, as he sort of passed me as I was making my turn, he had his son in the back seat, like in one of those child seats. And he was dancing with his son, who also had his little arms in the air,

and he was waving around and stuff. And some songs on the radio, they're both really enjoying. He kept looking back and sharing that moment with his son. And it was just the most charming thing. And now I have this giant grin plastered on my face, and everyone's going to wonder what happened to me this morning. So anyway, keep up the good work. Thanks.

I'm imagining that they're listening to that Stephen Foster Pandora station. Sure. Just inside that car, you know, they're doing that great dance. You just hear, after the ball is over. Right? Or just Abraham Lincoln speeches speeches, which were... We all know. Pretty funky.

Yeah. Pretty funky. And you know what? Those analog recordings are really... Scratchy, but you get a little more of the history. It's got a lived-in quality to it. Unless it's Val Kilmer's Abraham Lincoln, his follow-up to his Mark Twain. Kilmer did? Wait, Kilmer did Twain Val Kilmer's Abraham Lincoln, his follow-up to his Mark Twain. Kilmer did? Wait,

Kilmer did Twain? Kilmer's touring with I kind of want to go to that Twain. Part of me wants to go to it. Well, I mean, here's the thing, like, Val Kilmer, I mean, he's a good actor and that's part of why he became famous, right? Sure, yeah. I mean, I think I'm

hard-pressed to think of something I've enjoyed other than Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I guess Bad Guy and MacGruber. Yeah. I mean, I think I'm hard pressed to to think of something I've enjoyed other than Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I guess bad guy in MacGruber. Yeah. Never mind. Val Kilmer's great. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm totally going to see Twain. He's great in MacGruber. Yeah. What about Kilmer as Twain as his role in Real Genius? Yeah. Mm hmm. Like what if Mark Twain had been alive and got that part? Yeah.

Like I want to kind of want to see him redo all his roles as Mark Twain, as that character. Do you think we should just be rebooting classic film, light film comedies with literary superstars of the 19th century? Maybe just Twain and in a female role, Emily Dickinson would be my guess. Well, I was going to say Herman Melville in Weekend at Bernie's. Yeah. Which guy is he? Is he Bernie? He's the Jonathan Silverman character.

The guy who's a little bit more responsible. I don't think I could see Herman Melville as the pussy hound. I would like to see all of the John Hughes movies with Charles Dickens in the role of Long Duck Dong. That sounds like a fun spin. Is Long Duck Dong in all the John Hughes movies? I think he's in most of them. I mean, I think they all have an offensive Asian character or two. Is it not just Long – I thought it was Booger and Long Duck Donger in all the movies.

Yeah, that's what ties them together. I don't know. I think, yeah, maybe it's like people's... Like Long Duck Dong's family. Like, oh, this is Big Dog Dong. Anytime you are like talking to someone who's like telling you about how racism doesn't exist really anymore, just be like, Long Duck Dong, that was like 1987. Yeah, that's a movie people showed us as kids.

Yes. Like, we were very much alive when Long Duck Dong was in major films. That's a messed up shit. Can I say one political thing for a second? You may. It's not really a political thing for a second? You may. It's not really a political thing. It's a social thing. I was amazed. I heard one of the jurors in the Trayvon Martin case, you know, she went on CNN or something like that. And they excerpted it on NPR.

And there was this great moment where she said she thought George Zimmerman would have done this no matter what the race was whether he was black or white or Spanish fucking Spaniard sure you know she's concerned she has a very legitimate beef with Spanish anarchists killing European central bankers right yeah she's still harboring all those old World War one all old World War I,

all those old World War I beefs. Using round bombs with wicks coming out of them. The one thing that's worse than that, and it's always, you know, said by people who are professing

not to care about race is the coat of many colors sentence where they're like, you know, I like everybody. I date any lady, white, black, red, yellow, purple, green. It just gets more and more silly. Even into red.

Even into red. It's not really. And I like it's also in the context of who you would fuck. Like a racist wouldn't, a racist wouldn't bone down no matter how turned on they were by this green lady. They have principles. Let's listen to another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Jeffrey Tambor. This is Phil from the UK.

I'm calling with a momentous occasion. On Sunday, I submitted the examination copy of my PhD thesis. Same evening, I got on a flight to Jakarta where I'm going to live and work for at least the next two years. My girlfriend met me

from the plane and I asked her to marry me. And she said yes, which is pretty awesome. So that's submitting my PhD thesis, moving to another country, getting engaged. Any one of those three would constitute a momentous occasion. I've done all three already this week, and it's only Tuesday. Immortal fucking power.

Thanks, guys. I'm sick of this British bragging. Can I ask you, is this guy... A British bragger? Yes, he is, and I don't like it. That's good. I thought I might be misinterpreting his accent. We do it differently over here in America.

We're humble, okay? This is the humblest nation, number one humbl over here in America. We're humble. Yeah. Okay? This is the humblest nation, number one humblest nation in the world. Don't accept any images. USA. USA. Is humble.

Is very humble. He also missed out on Chicago. Yeah. What did he call it? Jakarta? Jakarta. Yeah. Is that a British pronunciation?

I think that's a British pronunciation of the city with broad shoulders. Yeah. Right? I mean, well, you know, in England, too, all the C sounds are K sounds. Oh, okay. So, yeah. So, just to review, as he did. Yeah.

Could we go back and cover what his accomplishments were? That was a real, I mean, not to take away from the momentousness. It's momentous, but it's a real, like, he kind of summarized for us, kind of gave us the, yeah. You know, it's probably too much academic writing. We probably, in fact, Lindsay probably just had, I know that Lindsay just had to fade that one out. I know that Lindsay just had to fade that one out, but it's possible that what was really happening is the volume was off, but he was listing off citations. Probably Chicago manual style. So, yeah. So the last half of the call was a bibliography.

Yeah. Jakarta manual style. Sure. Yeah. It's just a bunch of shadow puppets. That's stupid. Anyway, that's Bali. Maybe they got that in Indonesia too, right?

I believe so. Yeah, a shadow puppet. How about a gamelan? They got gamelans are Indonesian, right? I think that's stuff all. I mean, Bali is. What about that thing once a year where they throw a feast for the monkeys? Where's that?

No, I don't know where that is. That's a Southeast Asia thing, right? Chicago, I think. Oh, yeah, Chicago. It's the same day they dye the river green. No cheeseburger, Pepsi, monkey feast. South side Chicago. Monkey feast. Anyway, it's good that all this momentous stuff happened to you, sir, but just don't get braggy.

Sure. You know, don't get too braggy. Yeah, sorry our lives aren't going as great as yours. Sorry we don't get to have a monkey feast with our beautiful girlfriend. I'm going to turn you into my own personal gamelan. Yeah. Am I right? Am I right, guys?

He's got a gamelan all over his face. A contemporary classical music composer. Dong, dong, dong, dong. Dong, dong, dong. Next call, please. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Christian calling from the middle of Golden Gate Park.

And I have a truly momentous occasion to tell you about. But last week, I was checking my email on my way back from lunch. I got this email that said, congratulations, you've won a cruise. Turns out I've actually won a trip for myself and a good friend of mine for the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival Extravaganza, a.k.a. boat party with a Maxwell crew. I can't think of anything more momentous. I can't wait to meet you guys. I can't wait to see you. This is going to be truly a momentous occasion to beat this momentous occasion,

and I'm so excited. So thank you, guys. Congratulations. Yeah. So our friends at the Riot LA Festival helped us give out those boatparty.biz tickets. Very exciting news. LA Festival helped us give out those BoatParty.biz tickets. Very exciting news. Speaking of BoatParty.biz, I didn't know there was going to be a BoatParty.biz,

but August 9th, Friday, August 9th, is when tickets are no longer available for BoatParty.biz. Scott, you're coming. Oh, you betcha. I'll be there. You've never seen Scott Simpson do some jokes? Well, come to BoatParty.biz. He's going to do – we're going to give him a full four. I'll do some jokes. A tight four.

I'll... You get the light at three. I'll stand on the Lido deck and let you throw your Zune at me. Yeah. Whatever you want to do. I can come up with stuff. You need a bosun? He'll do that.

I'll bosun up everywhere. Yeah. You need a mate? A bosun? A mate? And a starboard? Yeah. Oh, Jesse, you are so – I kind of – I'm excited.

I'm super excited. I'm also a little – I'm just – am I looking forward to what you're going to wear? Here's the thing. I was thinking I would really like to have a captain hat to wear, but then it occurred to me you can't wear a captain hat on the boat because someone else is actually the captain. They've dedicated their life to captaining. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Otherwise people are going to be coming to me and they're going to say, full throttle, and I'm going, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Play whatever old LucasArts game you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Otherwise, people are going to be coming to me, and they're going to say, full throttle, and I'm going, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Play whatever old LucasArts game you want. Yeah, exactly. Next thing you know, look out, Titanic style.

Yeah. Get a lot of cool boat. Pussy, though. Yeah. Yeah, boat pussy. CBP. CBP. I've heard about boat pussy.

Yeah, sure. Well, all bets are off. Once you sure. Well, all bets are off. Once you hit international waters, all bets are off. You're not married anymore. Nope. Absolutely not. I'm fucking honeydews. I'm doing whatever I want.

Eating as many shrimps as I can stuff in my mouth. Oh, you'll put penis to melon? All right. Then no, it was going to be a non-coaster. That's actually a seafaring delicacy, the filled melon. What is this? Hmm, okay. It's cum.

Well, better than hardtack. Yeah. And I can reenact my favorite scene from the classic film Van Wilder, where a bunch of frat boys eat dog cum. Oh, ew. And they don't know what they're eating. Wow, you've seen van wilder uh i when i i wrote a um i wrote a script that took place in college so i tried to watch every contemporary kind of middle-of-the-road college comedy i thought you were gonna say i wrote a script that took place in the van wilder overse sure yeah so i kind of had to see them you know there are van welder like side stories seriously side characters in van welder have gotten their

own direct-to-dvd movies so i'm watching i watched van wilder i watched a couple of the direct-to-dvd american pie sequels uh yeah just see what was you i did well i had seen pcu as a child it was i when i was like big into Comedy Central when like all they showed was like Monty Python reruns and Mystery Science Theater, the only other thing they showed was PCU. Oh, they showed PCU so much. Yeah, totally.

What's PCU? It's a movie starring Jeremy Piven and George Clinton. Yeah, there's a big George Clinton concert at the end. Jon Favreau's in it with Dreadlocks.

David Spade is like the waspy frat guy. Okay. Probably not that good. Haven't seen it since childhood. Probably doesn't hold up. Can I ask you a question? Yeah.

Do you think I would enjoy watching the movie Back to School, which I definitely enjoyed when I was 10? Oh, that's hanging out on Netflix, isn't it? Yeah, it is. I think I put it on when I was kind tried. It keeps popping up on my Netflix. I think I put it on when I was kind of half paying attention to it and stopped it because I didn't like it that much. Yeah, I think it probably doesn't hang like it did in the 80s. It hasn't aged real well. Yeah.

Basically, the only movie that has is Airplane. Yeah. I guess that's 77. Airplane. Oh, jeez. I watched Airplane not that long ago i laughed the whole way through is it just police squad too i i uh you know you can get police oh yeah police squad police squad's funny squad's even funnier than uh uh naked gun naked gun is it

speed of jokes is it speed of jokes because like you're you're back to school or you're those kinds of movies that don't hold up yeah well because there's no you lose all of the cultural currency and so all your and the story is terrible yeah so all you're left with is the jokes right unless you're invested in like the diving plot of back to school like who's going to win the diving contest everybody likes the triple lindy scene at the end where he's rolling around. Sure. That is pretty heroic. I haven't seen this since I was 10. But I did like it when Tommy Lasorda came on Police Squad.

Oh, yeah? What did he do on Police Squad? They have this recurring bit on Police Squad. Oh, where the guy shines people's shoes and weird celebrities come in? Yeah, he's like this celebrity and he knows everything. Yeah. And so Frank Drebin goes in and he finds out he cracks his case by giving 20 bucks to the shoeshine guy.

He's like, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then Tommy Lasorda comes in to ask who should be in his rotation. That's pretty good. He slipped in 20 bucks and says, Fernando's number one. I remember. I don't remember the rest of it. That was great.

Tommy Lasorda on the boat party? Invited guest. You know? Let's just start. Are we going to start inviting? I'm just going to start making videos with invited guests. Like a shady nightclub promoter. Invited guest.

Oh, yeah. Then you can have this huge lineup scheduled to appear. You'll say, meta world peace, invited guest. Invited guest. I think we should start doing cruises that are like, you know, Dave Holmes, I think we should start doing cruises that are like – Dave Holmes I think talked on this show once about how he used to do MTV appearances where he would get paid $10,000 or $20,000 just to show up at a weird nightclub in Cleveland. And no one would know who he was and it was the worst thing that he ever did. But then he would get paid $10,000. I think we should start bringing in those kind of people.

Oh, I mean specifically former VJs? Well, just because we have, you know, between Hodgman and Wyatt Cenac and all these different people that we have, you know, John Darneil, we have a lot of legitimate performer types, but we should get a booger. Let's get booger. Okay. Just like someone who's like more of a personality. Somebody to jump in a pool and be hairy. Yeah. Just somebody that's

going to bring a little flavor to the proceedings, if you know what I mean. Yeah. And ordinarily that would be code for race, but in this case it's not. Booger is white. Yeah. In this case it's just for a sweaty person. Sure. Just means a person who looks like they'd be sweaty. sweaty person. Sure. It just means a person who looks like they'd be sweaty. I'm pretty sure I passed, oh my goodness, what's his name, in a car today, the- Jeff Goldblum. Larry's roommate in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Jeff Garland. No, J.B. J.B. Smooth. J.B. Smooth. I passed, I'm pretty sure I saw him in a- It's a good one.

In a Sentra. Like a J.B. Smooth? He's a legitimate stand-up comedian, though. He's too... I don't want anybody with an act. I want somebody who's going to wander around and people are going to be like,

get a load of that guy! So you want like a pre-back-to-TV Charlie Sheen? Yeah, but I don't want Charlie Sheen specifically. Ricky Henderson. Ricky Henderson is what I want. You just fucking hit the nail on the head. I want Ricky Henderson to come. Just slide down the slide.

Do you think Ricky Henderson has representation? Do you think I could write Ricky Henderson's management or agent or something and just say, Hey, just so Ricky knows, Ricky can come on the cruise. You know, I think there's a new celebrity economy out there. I think there's a new celebrity economy out there. I have a friend who was making a funny video, and she had an idea that a guy, like a tough guy on a motorcycle, would ride in. And she just put up a thing on Twitter saying, hey, does anybody know someone who has their own motorcycle? You know, I'll pay such and such and such for them to do a scene in this video if they ride this motorcycle on screen. And someone just replied to her, I'll do it for 100 bucks.

And it was Lorenzo Lamas. Holy mackerel. And it started this thing. And now I feel like in a lot of stage shows at the UCB and in little viral videos, Lorenzo Lamas is popping up because he'll just do it. Like you can just hit up Lorenzo Lamas on Twitter or he'll hit you up. We saw a very Eric Estrada-like man at dinner, Scott Simpson and I did. May even have been Eric Estrada. That's how Eric Estrada-like he was.

Yeah, he was pretty – he rolled Estrada. Sure. Bring it. Yeah, I mean I. He rolled Estrada. Sure. Bring it. Yeah, I mean, I think some... He was generating his character? I don't think you have to go to a third party. I think you can just go right to the source. So I can just call Estrada?

Yeah, I think you Twitter. I want Ricky Henderson. I don't want Eric Estrada. I don't want Lorenzo Lamas. I want Ricky Henderson. I'm saying you can employ a similar strategy. I think if you just put it out there, he'll find you. Jesse, can I ask you a question about Ricky Anderson?

Yeah. So boats are famous for being places that once they've left the shore, you can't get off. Right. That's a famous thing about boats. Not if you're a seagull. Sorry. Fair enough. Fair enough.

Yeah, point granted. If you have 45,000 helium balloons or trained seagulls, you could leave a boat. Here's my question. Right. Look, I want Ricky Henderson as much as the next guy for seven minutes. Like, just like five lines of conversation at the shrimp bucket. Oh, yeah. And then I've had enough.

There's hundreds of people in the boat. Fair enough. So he gets time to touch everybody, touch their lives. And everybody can check out how great his abs look at 55. I'll bet they look great. Have you seen his abs? I'm sure they look tremendous. I haven't seen them, but I can't imagine Ricky Henderson being anything other than the peak of physical condition.

That is a man who does his exercises. So, Scott, what you're saying is that these non-performing guests will get clingy? I'm worried that maybe we get a little bit sick of a booger. Now, I'm not saying that we would. I'm just saying we are on a boat. No, because you're probably a fun guy. I mean, Rick and Jitters is probably a cool, fun guy. While it's a good case for booger,

he can start the festivities by saying his famous line from Revenge of the Nerds, fuck this shit, let's get some bush. That's true. And then he rings the bell. Rings the bell. And then he just jumps off the boat. Sure, exactly, into the night.

Dies, he kills himself. How much to have him kill himself how much for booger to commit suicide after saying his famous line fuck this shit let's get some bush if i was a scientologist i could get anyone to come on my fucking trip yeah jenna elfman would have already signed the paper she'd be on the boat by now she would be hanging jenna elfman dann Jenna Elfman and Danny Elfman in tow. Yeah. Oingo Boingo reunion on the boat. Because Jenna Elfman was the original vocalist of Oingo Boingo. She was, yeah.

Yeah. They were brought together by the fact that they were both Elfman. Yeah. Oh, no, Jenna Elfman is Danny Elfman's niece. Really? Mm-hmm. Oh. Mm-hmm.

Jordan, if you could get uh one wikipedia page tattooed on your back would it be danny elfman or oingo boingo yeah well yeah it'd probably be danny elfman because then you know they're gonna be shit about the spider-man soundtrack which you know is a more interesting tattoo every Every time somebody edits the page, you have to get your tattoo painfully removed and then redrawn. Yeah. That crazy song that plays while the clown is doing the surgery on the bike in Pew's Big Adventure. Sure. You should get that tattooed on you.

A song? A song is... Is it possible to tattoo music? I mean, I can just get... I can just get, like, D's and Do's and assume people will sing it right. Right. Yeah, that's a good idea. I think they'll probably just sing it.

That's how music is written. They'll probably sing it to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy, right? Oh, well, I don't want there to be confusion. No, it's not. It's the bike song for Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Sing it right not. It's the bike song for Pee-wee's Big Adventure. Sing it right. Is that not the bike song? I thought Yankee Doodle Dandy was the bike song from Pee-wee's Big Adventure. Maybe I'm misremembering the movie. I don't remember. You stay out of this then, Scott. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scott Simpson, no dog collar today. This dog is on the loose in the studio here. I love it. My dog Sissy's visiting the office today. She's going wild here in the studio. She's looking for a place to pee now.

This is going to be trouble. If a dog pees in here, we are fucked. Yeah. It's a fun game. Why don't we put some money on it? Where's she going to pee? if a dog pees in here. We are fucked. Yeah. It's a fun game. Why don't we put some money on it? Where's she going to pee? What do you guys think? Oh, man.

I really hope she doesn't pee. I think that's how the gas chamber originally worked. Oh, no. You just put a criminal, convicted criminal in. Convicted criminal in. You put him in with a dog who's recently had some water. Cute little doggy. Mm-hmm.

And the dog pees. And they just die of pee smell. Dog pee smell. Hmm. Interesting. Scott, it's been really fun having you on the show. I mean, that's just an example of the kind of fun attitude that you brought to our program. Fun, death penalty humor. Just silly stuff that I can talk about

and it's fun and high. Scott Simpson is one of the best tweeters. You can follow him at Scott Simpson. And he's doing comedy, especially around the San Francisco Bay Area. You've got a regular show at, what's this video store called where they're always watching the Giants game instead of a movie? The regular show. The video store is called Lost Weekend.

Weekend Video. And below that, there's a very adorable theater. I'm sure you've been there, Jordan. It smells like BO. People have fun. It's nice. If you want an inexpensive warm beer served to you by a weird hippie, you go there. You get one of those.

We'll just talk a lot during the show. Sure. Yeah. Perfect. I end up doing a lot one of those. Just talk a lot during the show. Sure. Yeah. Perfect. I end up doing a lot of shows there because it's a fun little space. It is a very fun space. I joke about the warm beer, but it's actually a really cool place to do a show. It is.

It is. It's a great place. You should get a cooler for that beer. I have some shows on my blog. If you look on my blog, you can find it. Hey, guys, speaking of Twitter, I had a little Twitter victory today. What was that? Guys, I got my first tweet stolen by one of those guys who just does tweets like they're his own.

Congratulations. Youth pastor guy? No, he's not doing that anymore. You know, he's actually'm i'm doing a little free work at this office uh one of the guys uh just came up to me and said uh this is a little embarrassing i uh i follow you on twitter um i also follow my old uh high school drama teacher on twitter and he recently stole one of your tweets wow yeah it's never happened to me before so i feel like i'm kind of like approaching the big leagues a little bit. That's a big news.

I noticed he had also stolen one of Kevin Allison's tweets. Wow. So I'm like, yeah, I'm in good company. I'm in pretty good company. Some of you got pretty good taste, this Ed Kolder army team. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we should bring this guy on staff. Yeah, I mean, he can just like steal stuff and bring it in here.

Yeah, sure. I found this on the street. Yeah, but it's going to be nice shit. Yeah. Maybe he can, like, read to us some of those, like, leaked scripts they put on Ain't It Cool News. Yeah. Or what was the tweet, if I may ask? It was...

Was it that Game of Thrones tweet? It is, yes, it was. The tweet is, they rejected my Game of Thrones spec script. Apparently they didn't like it that the characters would periodically stop what they were doing to say, wait, which guy am I again? That's pretty good. Yeah. Stealable.

Stealable. Very stealable. It's like when you taste a wine, it's drinkable. That tweet is stealable. Exactly. It's got a nice bouquet. Congratulations, Jordan. I really admire the hard work that you put in on Twitter, and I'm glad it's finally paying off.

Yeah. For others. To be fair. Yeah. Jordan, you know, I really I really admire the hard work that you put in on Twitter and I'm glad it's finally paying off. Yeah. For others. To be fair. Yeah. Are you. I'm sorry to keep that is so interesting to me. Are you planning to confront this person? I sent him a note that said, ha, great joke. P.S. Don't steal jokes. So I think that's I think that maybe that nips in the butt. I might check in on him in a couple of days, see what he's up to. And then maybe a full-fledged assault. Just stop by his classroom.

Oh, yeah, right. And interrupt our town rehearsal. Just you flanked by... Hey, he didn't write that. That was Thornton Wilder. I invented zip zaps. Is what he'll say. I hope he's not molesting any of you. That's just a general concern.

That's just a general concern. I don't know if his tweet stealing is causing him to molest. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Some teachers get a little too emotionally involved in what's going on in their classrooms. Sure. Tend towards molestation. Sorry, guys. Gross. Yeah. Sure. Tend towards molestation. Sorry, guys.

Gross. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. Lindsay Pavlis on the boards this week. Sonny D., Brian Fernandez, our producer, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Special thanks this week to my dog, Sissy, for being so good when she was in here.

Very well behaved. Very well behaved. Very well behaved. And special thanks to my dog Coco for being bad while she was outside the studio. Very poorly behaved. Barking. Very poorly behaved. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.