Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 287: Downstairs of a Yacht with Emily Maya Mills

Episode Date: August 12, 2013

Comedian and actress Emily Maya Mills joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's trip to the National concert, plus Jesse gives a pig-sitting update, there's an ice cream givaway update, and they talk about having sex in a museum. Action items: What should Jordan and Jesse do with their quinceanera hall?  What should Jordan and Jesse's momentous occasion be?  Would Jordan look good with Pete-burns?

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I've got good news, Jordan. What? For folks out there in listener land. Weather's lovely here in Los Angeles. I'm sure a sigh of relief

is being breathed all across the world. I like to make sure everyone has a little bit of context. The beginning of the program, weather's maybe a little too warm. There's some kind of funfair going on.

And we're here to have a good time. That's the three most important things in terms of Mm-hmm. There's great fun fair going on. Maybe a little too warm. Exactly. I want to introduce our guest. You've seen her on stage and television. You've seen her at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater frequently. Sure. You've seen her on the television program Children's Hospital. Maybe on some best, funniest people on Twitter lists. Oh, yeah.

I will often catch her. Sure. Absolutely. Emily Maya Mills. Hi, yeah. I will often catch her. Sure. Absolutely. Emily Maya Mills. Hi, Emily. How are you? Hi, great. Am I wrong about that best of Twitter list?

Yeah, there was. But Huffington Post put out a top 18 females to follow on Twitter. But I found out recently that they've done that several times. So there might just be thousands of women you can follow on Twitter. Different people every time? I think there are some repeats. I don't know how many times they – At this point, it just says Hillary Clinton.

Do you have to have a nip slip that goes along with it? Yes. I have several. So that's why I made the list several times. Congratulations. One quick – I mentioned there was one more piece of context I wanted to give you guys. You guys are probably wondering why I've transmogrified into a sort of half-man, half-Toyota Prius. I wasn't going to bring it up, but, you know. It's because I went to see The National last night.

Oh, wow. Which was literally the whitest experience I've ever had. I enjoy that. Now, number one, let's be clear. I enjoy the music of The National. I had really great tickets for The National that were given to me by The National. Okay.

Wow. And so I feel like I want to make it clear. Also very white, bringing up that you know The National. Also that Obama bumper sticker you've tried to scratch off of your tail end. We can see that you just gave up after halfway. But I've never really been to an indie rock concert, really. Well, we went to see Andrew Bird for a little bit that one time. Yeah.

That was like what this was. Okay. It was at the Greek Theater, which is a big, beautiful outdoor amphitheater here in Los Angeles. I walked past my house. Congratulations. Thank you. Good work. I could almost die now.

Who do you like to get out there and see, blood, sweat, and tears? Honestly, I've only seen one show there down the street. It was- Earth, Wind, and Fire. almost die now you like who do you like to get out there and see blood sweat and tears honestly i've only seen one show there and i live down the street it was earth wind and fire oh that would have been great and mayve mays featuring frankie beverly oh i would i did go up there for the uh al green sound check at one point just walking around can i say can i say i did i saw al green at the concord pavilion i think in the San Francisco Bay Area, a similar sort of outdoor venue. And it was great. It was tremendous.

He's phenomenal. It was a great show. And opening for him was Isaac Hayes, the late Isaac Hayes, who's, you know, he's passed on since but was in good health then. Isaac Hayes was horrible. Oh, really? And I'm an Isaac Hayes fan. I'm not trying to be rude to Isaac Hayes, but Isaac Hayes' whole set was just- Just too much Scientology stuff, right?

It was synthesizer strings, and he literally played his songs from South Park in his set. Oh, wow. And you're like, it's me. Sure. It was pretty rough. If I was Isaac Hayes, I would have two different sets that I would use. I think when you are opening for Al Green, fans of R&B and soul music, you can play your well-regarded R&B and soul hits.

Or when, you know, and then when you're playing... Opening for Tim and Eric. Sure, exactly. Yeah. Well, Al Green did go on tour with Tim and Eric that one time. It was early in their career. It was the Tom Goes to the Mayor years. So it was not, it wasn't big shows.

And a lot of their fans just thought he was David Lieberhardt. Right. Of course they did. At this show, the most interesting things that happened to me at this national show, besides the show itself, which was great, where there was this guy standing in front of me who I swear to God, everyone – I will set the scene by saying further that everyone at this entire concert looked like they were going to a national concert. Like just exactly what you would expect. Just in a huge crowd of 25 to 35-year-old white people in indie rock clothing. Just birds on clothing everywhere.

Wow. And then in front of me was a dude who was wearing a party shirt and had a half. Well, I guess it is what an actual goatee when it starts at the corners of your mouth and just goes straight down. You know, I have a hard time with beard classification. That's something I don't know a lot about. Are you beard blind? Yeah, I have beard blindness. I think people will say... That was really hard for me to say, guys.

I think people will say, well, call the one that starts at your nose and goes down to your chin. That's generally called a goatee. Okay. But I think that's actually a Van Dyke. Okay. And so a jerk who knows a lot about goatees will correct you if you call that a goatee. Right.

I think I'm correct in saying that. What's a Van Halen? That's just... That's when your beard comes up and forms a captain's hat on your head. So that's when your beard can't drive 55? No, that's a solo song. Yeah, that's a Sammy Hagar solo project. I don't really know a lot about Van Halen. That's a Hagar.

Can we... They call that the Cabo Wabo. If we want to get back to Isaac Hayes, I can get a lot of – but this guy was standing in front of us, really looked like he was at a Rascal Flatts concert. Full on Rascal Flatts. And I thought this guy, since we're in relatively fancy seats, I'm just thinking this guy – I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think, does the Greek theater have subscribers or is it possible that this guy works for the beer company that provides the beer? And so so it so you were confused by the fact that there was a guy who was dressing intentionally. I don't know what the word is.

I don't know. Rural is probably not the word, but maybe that's the one I'm, I'm, maybe that's the best way. So you're, you were confused that there was a guy who was dressed in goofy pseudo hillbilly clothes who was actually a rich guy. I want to track for you for some reason. I want to be clear that this guy was not wearing goofy pseudo hillbilly clothes. This guy was wearing, uh, insurance agent, uh uh after work clothes oh okay maybe i'm what am i maybe i'm confusing rascal flats with like mumford and sons yeah rascal flats are a pop

country band oh okay gotcha they're heavy on the pop okay um and i i was seriously i was so boggled by this guy. Oh, he was just, okay, so your thing is he was just dressed so daddish and middle class. Like that was your... Just monumentally daddish, but also like the goatee. It was like a, I mean, past daddish. Sure. Post dad. Party shirt.

As I mentioned, he had on a party shirt, a short-sleeved camp shirt. I believe it was – he looked like he was good also take a break and go have a drink at the Cabo Wabo Cantina. You know what I think happens a lot with concerts at big venues that have like – when it's like the Hyundai presents, I think a lot of guys get tickets from work. I think that happens a lot. Like, hey, your dad, I got some tickets to this because my work is sponsoring it. So I think that's where you're kind of out of place. Dads will come from. And maybe they end up going because they have a telephone conversation with a child of theirs

who's they're like, what is this national? Oh, dad, dude, you gotta go. Oh, my God. Yeah. Now, here's what happened. I spent the first. Their kids have since moved to Portland. Yes.

And the kids, yeah. Left the nest flown with their bird shirts. I'm getting out of L.A. Where people are real. I spent the first 10 or 15 minutes of the show looking at this guy, wondering, what is this guy's deal? Like, how could this guy be at this show? at some point maybe 35 40 minutes in you know my wife's pregnant you don't know that emily but my wife is pregnant thank you you know women can sense

these things jesse you look like a father to be i've got the glow this will soon be a post dad at a concert thank you out of context and people will wonder why you're there thank you have you been to the cabo wabo cantina i have not i've walked past the cabo wabo cantina in an airport once which is a lot like being in a cabo wabo canteen i mean you get a lot of the vibe it has an airporty feel to it i so we sat down is what i'm trying to say despite the fact that we had seats where everyone else was standing we sat down down because my wife had to sit down because she's got a baby inside her and I didn't want to be a dick and be like, fuck you, I'm standing up. And I got a different perspective on this guy. I like the idea of telling a pregnant woman, fuck you.

Or something so tiny. I literally did. That's why she's pregnant. Oh, sure. But you said it before you did it. I did, yeah. You're like one of those anime characters that yells out what he's about to do before he does it. Somehow I got a different perspective on this guy.

This guy knew every fucking word to every song. Wow. And was going, this guy was easily the biggest national fan in my area. And it immediately, like my my brain completely clicked over about what this guy was all about like this is a dude in my mind this is a dude who hangs out exclusively with a rascal flats crowd but he has the national that's his fucking thing yeah man can I say one word? And that is Pandora.

Is that, is this? You think Rascal Flat's station will lead you into the national. He was, if you might like, he's a, if you might like, you know, the result. If you might like Rascal Flat, you might like Johnny Marr's solo work. In which case you might like the national. Sure. Yeah. You could follow that. He's a rabbit hole result.

He was gorgeous. Yeah, with listening to Pandora, it can go in either directions. You can either go more credible or less credible. Yeah, I feel like when I'm listening to an Elvis Costello Pandora station, it'll go to Hall & Oates so quick. Yeah. I'm like, okay, maybe then what are we getting with this Elvis Costello station?

Maybe you'll get the jam. Maybe you'll get some buzzcocks, but it'll just go right to Hall & Oates. Yep, pretty quickly. I've been on the Kanye West station before and it worked its way to Frank Sinatra and I'm not kidding. I don't know what that is.

Every Pandora station that I choose to listen to, just immediately, all of a sudden, I'm like, why am I listening to 80s Stevie Wonder? Yep. Just everything goes straight to 80s Stevie Wonder. I've been enjoying using Spotify recently, and a new thing that Spotify has in the homepage you when you launch it it has a section for when you were in high school this was popular I don't really know why Spotify knows how old I am probably because it goes through Facebook yeah it's just all your data is out there

now so and it is all it was everything okay let me know what you get I think we're about the same age yeah every time I launch Spotify it suggests I listen to Tony Braxton and things similar to tony braxton like it knows how old i am but it has not taken into account what i have listened to since it's just like you'll probably enjoy butterfly by mariah carey right because it

was popular when you were in high school right they have come up with the nostalgia of stay what was uh what was that woman oh gosh stay the song is stay oh we still love yeah okay you get a lot of that you mean stay parentheses i missed you yeah that's why i was you gotta say the parentheses yeah and you mean lisa lobe in nine stories is that the album i believe that was her faux band i had a crush on on Lisa Loeb when I was 11. Oh, that's very sweet. I know. It is very sweet. I'm a sweet guy.

I've never listened to her intentionally. So their data, yeah, where they're getting it. I can't even track back far enough to know what we were listening to. I met Lisa Loeb very briefly backstage at Jimmy Pardo's podcast-a-thon a couple years ago. And I had really not thought about Lisa Loeb in a long time, although from what I understand, she's made some lovely music and done some good television hosting and stuff like that since she was a superstar. Doesn't she write kids' albums now? Yeah, I've heard that she's one of's a one of the people who makes uh good uh music for children

and um but when i met lisa lobe backstage i was like uh like you know it was like shake hands oh hi lisa this is jesse jesse this is lisa i was like in my head i was just like oh fuck i have a crush on lisa lobe oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck i hope she doesn't see my Trapper Keeper where I wrote Mr. Jesse Loeb. Mr. Jesse Loeb hyphen thorn. I felt like an 11-year-old so fast. It was as though the only thing that I can imagine that would make me feel like an 11-year-old that fast would be if there was some kind of contest that I won where I ran out to shortstop with the San Francisco Giants. Like if I was out at shortstop and everyone said, hey, then I would feel similar. Some sort of bat boy for a day.

But let's be clear. It would have to be a candlestick park. Could not happen in a TNT park. Candlestick, absolutely. Okay. So here's the other thing that happened to me at the National. Oh, just R.E. early 90 90s uh proto crush women with glasses uh kennedy wrote a book and she's kind of got a saucy picture on the front kennedy's looking good kennedy's looking

good and conservative is she is she is she not on the new alt station in la is she oh great you know i thought she was on the the last time i heard what I thought about what's Kennedy up to. She was on the like a.m. Hot talk station. Not even hot. But like chasing the Rush Limbaugh is on. Right. That's.

Oh, OK. OK. That format. So anyway. So, yeah. And she she's joined. She has joined political commentator S.E. Cup as hot conservative women with glasses that I kind of have a crush on but feel bad about it.

Interesting. Well, I think it's the remnants. I think there's some kind of effectiveness of sense memory of crushes from when you were that age. It's sort of like smells, but it's visceral. That's very true. I feel the same way. I felt the same way about Kennedy, though, not to the extent I felt it about Lisa Loeb. Yeah, but when I – I mean, that's actually just a great point because every time I smell Pillsbury cinnamon rolls in the oven, I get a boner.

Just like your first. Yeah. And then I fuck a cinnamon roll right out of the oven. The other thing that I saw that was amazing about the national concert is that as we were standing in line at the will call, I am listening. I just want to, I want to, I want to pass around this Kennedy picture.

I want to get an opinion, but please do. You can't possibly listen. I can be Kennedy. Pass a picture of Kennedy to me. A. We'll do that. I want you to finish.

B. We have a producer. He can find a picture oh i forgot yeah find the saucy picture of kennedy from her book sorry and if you can make it three-dimensional and just cram it against the window yeah that would be great and topless yeah you also make it topless yeah um okay so this is the other thing that i saw at standing in the waitlist line or what's that called the will call line this woman in front of us is getting involved in this huge conversation with the ticket lady

and she says she says yeah i had tickets i got them from someone else uh but i don't have them now and i don't know what name they're under. And she starts listing names. And the person's like, I have to, I can only look it up by the name on your ID. And she's like, Aaron Aronson, Bill Aronson. She's just going through the phone book until she gets it. She says, I don't have the tickets, but I have a photograph of the tickets that has the ticket number on it. Oh, wow.

And so we're like, okay, we are getting into another line. So we get into another line because we're not going to deal with this. And as we're standing in the other line, she says, the tickets were a gift and I received it while I was on safari in Africa. I have a photo of myself on my birthday. So I'm not sure where they are. Wait a second. But everything's electronic, first of all. She got the tickets.

She got the tickets in the mail while she was on safari in Africa. So that might be how she misplaced them. That's probably it. Yeah, she thought the person would be so impressed that she had been to Africa. Like, oh, no one who's been to Africa would lie about tickets. I would hashtag that first world problems. But she was in a third world country. Did she follow that up with, listen, I need to be in there because I deserve this?

Just like this pair of tests in my purse. The band would want me to be there. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. My name is Graham Clark. My name is Dave Shumka. I'm the other guy who hosts Stop Podcasting Yourself. And I'm the other guy that hosts Stop Podcasting Yourself. We are from Canada, so we don't know many of your ways.

But what we do know is quality podcasting. And whale blubber. Yeah. There's 50 different words for podcast in our language. We would say all 50 of them. But why don't you just listen to our show and you'll get the gist of what we're about. We bring a guest on,

we talk about their lives, we talk about our lives, we talk about things they've overheard. It's a great time. And you know what? You're not going to regret it. Stop podcasting yourself. Available from MaximumFun.org

or on iTunes. Brr. That's what we say in Canada when we're cold Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily Maya Mills, just darling. She is. It's true.

Not a lie. It's true, folks. Not a lie. It's true. She's a regular Lisa Loeb in here. A glasses-free Lisa Loeb. A regular Lisa Loeb. I've been getting a lot of requests for updates on a few things, so I want to run through a couple of updates.

Just want to do this just quick. Yeah. Okay. Exactly. First of all. So while you do this, can I just zone out and look at Kennedy pics? That's what you're doing right now. Sure.

You're somehow talking while zoning out. I'm just saying, can I continue to do this? Yes. May I? Number one, we are coming to the UK. Yes. Immediately. Imminently.

All the information is at MaximumFun.org. We are doing two shows in London, one Jordan-Jesse Go, one International Waters, and we're doing a show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Edinburgh, we'll have Graham Clark. Hey. We'll have Matt Riccardo, who's an amazing cabaret performer. Not like Patti LuPone, but like he does a sort of, it's not exactly a magic act, but it's like a variety act. Variety is what they call it.

Wonderful. He reads to you out of variety. One of his. So if you want to know who's done Baphopia. Yeah. And he really belittles you on where your career's at right now. Pacific Rim scores overseas. You should have some sort of digital deal.

One of his signature moves is, you know how a magician sometimes or a performer will whip a tablecloth out from underneath a set table and everything stays in place? Love that move. Classic move. Sexy. Very sexy. I mean, I think anything a magician is doing, really, but that specifically. He does that

backwards. He puts it on without. That is... It's a pretty neat thing. I saw a video of him doing it. I was very impressed. Mind-blowingly sexy. Very fun. I also like that it's not a trick. What else can he do with that tablecloth? You're thinking. He's not just taking it out. He's putting it trick. What else can he do with that tablecloth? I mean. You're thinking. Yeah. Okay. He's not just taking out. He's putting it in.

So moral of the story is go to these freaking shows. Yeah. Don't be a dope. If you live anywhere within, and I'm including continental Europe in this. Please. Because the truth is. Please. What are the odds that we're going to come to a show in Barcelona?

You know what I mean? Very slim. What are the. Oh, I am doing a tour of gay discos that's true but that's like a solo thing you won't be there right but that's what you'll see if you want to come tribute act yeah if you want to come see me yeah you can come to barcelona's famous jordan is known for two things one is witticisms on Jordan Jesse Go. Two is serving that disco realness.

That realness. Just that Sylvester style late 70s gay disco. How's the chest hair? Well, this is for the fans. Okay. I have a,

when I do these tours, I have a chest merkin. Merkin. I have a, I hope that doesn't take away from it when people are there but you know i don't i don't grow a natural chest bush right uh so so if you're pubic bush on the other hand all out of control all yes out of control unpleasant the entire european union plus switzerland if you're within the sound of our voice, you are required to come to this show.

Hey, and if you're some college kid who's backpacking, that's going on around this time. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. If you're finding yourself in Europe, come see us. What a trip. And bring Jordan some pot. Yeah, bring me some pot. Oh, yes.

You can't get good pot here. All the good pots in Scotland. I've heard that. I know. Yeah. L.A. is just a pot wasteland, guys. Have you tried to get high in L. I've heard that. I know. Yeah. LA is just a pot waste land, guys. Have you tried to get high in LA? It's all just pencil shavings.

I mean, it's this environment. It's no good for crops. I know. So that's number one. Number two. So that's update number one. Everybody come. No excuses. It's right now. We will help you find yourself. We will finger you. That's really exciting. You're doing shows in Europe.

Congratulations. That's, like, so awesome. International. Thank you very much. Yeah. I mean, I'm envious. I just read in my passport for no reason because I want to go somewhere. Yeah.

You should go somewhere. Just pack up your backpack and hit the road, man. I was hoping you were going to invite me. Stay in hostels. Yeah. We have guests already. Oh. I think we mentioned Graham is going to be on the show already.

Yes. Okay. If you can grow a competitive beard before then, we'll see. I don't know if you've seen Graham Clark's beard. It's great. If we come back and we do Barcelona. Barcelona. If we do Dusseldorf, if we do Copenhagen, then maybe we'll bring the USMLA.

On the next leg of the European tour. So that's update number one. Update number two that a lot of folks have been asking me about, and the reason it's been left behind so long is that we recorded our last week's episode a few weeks early. When we've been reading the left behind novels. Yes. Is about the pig. So for your information, for anyone who missed the episode where we discussed that this was imminent, my wife's cousin, a San Francisco resident named Luke, and his wife, Rohini, have a pig named Atticus.

And Atticus lives in their apartment. And he's adorable. I love. And he is almost as adorable as their child. I mean that sincerely. 80% as adorable. And they have almost as adorable as their child. I mean that sincerely. 80% as adorable. And they have a real good-looking child. Oh.

So the pig, Atticus, Luke is in a band. He had to come down to L.A. to do some recording. And so they needed a backyard for Atticus to stay in while they were in Los Angeles because they were crashing on friends' floors and didn't want to be dragging this pig around and confusing it and so on and so forth. But they needed a backyard in LA, not in San Francisco. Well, it was going to stay at their friend's apartment, but then they wanted to bring it with them so it could see them every day because it misses them when it doesn't see them. Oh, wow.

So we said, yes, please. Absolutely. So we said, yes, please. Absolutely. So I am now an expert on the care and feeding of house pig. And it was a very mixed bag. Care, make mud. Feeding, give it anything.

The two cardinal rules. Well, here's the thing. The pig, number one, is an adorable pig. It's not gross at all for all you people that think pigs are gross. It's not. It's totally not gross. It is really, like, sweet and wanted to be my friend. And even at one point, it liked me enough that it rolled over on its back so I could pet its belly. Do you think it maybe just wanted to be milked?

It also, it could have wanted to be milked. Yeah. Its teats were engorged. Beach. Okay. Yeah. Got it. I also, it also bit me.

Okay. Pretty good. Yeah, pigs can bite. Pigs are biters. What was the catalyst for this bite? Why did... I think it thought I had food in my hand. It was not an aggressive bite.

But it was a hard bite. It bit hard and it only drew a tiny bit of blood but it was on my palm. So it hurt like a motherfucker. Well, I mean it's part of your skin regimen to coat your hand in peanut butter, right? Yeah, that's true. I mean I do – but who doesn't do that? I mean most people do that I think., most people do that, I think. Most people do do that.

And a lot of people have pigs. You'd think you would have heard about those two things being incompatible if they were. You know, it's sort of one of those – come on, give me a warning. Oh, there's an episode of Seinfeld about it. No. Well, you know. But it's one of those late ones, so it's kind of weird. Yeah.

And a little racist. Sure, yeah. It's somehow a broad ethnic stereotype. The pig has an Indian accent. So – yes, ma'am. And a little racist. Sure, yeah. Somehow a broad ethnic stereotype figures into it. An Indian accent. So, yes, ma'am. How big is this pig? It's about the size of a medium-sized dog who is very round.

Okay. So I would guesstimate it's not – he's small enough that one person could pick him up. But it would probably have to be a larger person. Like I was going to say a dude, but a large – a strong lady probably could too. But maybe he weighs 50 pounds. That would be my guess. Okay. All right.

Something like that. Emily, I appreciate that you signal when you have something to say. Yeah. I think that's really polite. I think, yeah, that may be something I just invented for all of pod... Hey, guys, just change the face of podcast. I'm just kidding. It's as if you realize that podcasters have a problem with overtalk.

I think you're probably the first one to notice that. That is a thing. I have to say just wave at us if we don't finish a story if we start a story and don't finish it oh i'll steer you back in yeah absolutely jordan i know you were against me taking in this pig and you hate all pigs can i clarify you hate all pigs i will clarify you think that pigs are only good as bacon i have i have received some i have received some pig flack online and in person. Some deserved pig flack.

I think me and Nick Adams, our point, our e-pig. Was Nick the last guest? She was the last guest. He was the guest when we were talking about the pig. Is just that. When you are living in a big city and not a farm, and you have a house pig, city and not a farm and you have a house pig when there are shelters filled with dogs and cats and other and you know regular pets he was a rescue pig go ahead you are making a move you are making an intentionally cute move and you know it is in it's it's when you ride a unicycle instead of a

bike is when you play a ukulele instead of a guitar it is a it is a look at me move and not to say that that's bad or malicious or but i think i think what we just wanted was let's call a spade a spade let's call this a this was you know pet when the discussion of pet came up ferret was probably also in the running. Python, weird bird. But anyways, not that they're not lovely people. Well, they're not people at all, technically. Oh, yeah, yeah. Any pet is intentionally a cute move, right?

Sure, totally. That's first and foremost. Second of all, maybe there was some lifelong obsession or adoration of pigs. When I was little, I really, really wanted a baby elephant. I was like fixated on that for a really long time. And to this day, when I see elephants that are small, if they would have stayed that size, that would have been my front runner forever. Sure. You know, if they could stay backyard sized, I would still, I'd go for it.

Okay. So you hate pigs. Yes yes thank you for clarifying that um and there were some tough parts about having the pig in the house i would not have this pig i would not have the pig return and this is i'll tell you why i love not write a thank you i love the pig he He was a cop. One thing about a pig is... He narched on you guys. You can really tell that it knows what's going on. Like it knows what's up.

And it was not happy about the fact that its parents left. Sure. It was really not happy about that. And in the evening, when it figured out it was sleeping outside, it was pissed. So this is a fussy pig. Well, this is a pig that's used to a certain lifestyle. It's like a woman in a divorce that needs the lifestyle to which it's become accustomed. And if not?

It's a partnership between the parents and the pig. And the three of them, you have to maintain that lifestyle. So here's the thing. Would you call the pig a milf? Around 9.30. A pilf. A pilf. Around 9, maybe 9 o'clock to 10 o'clock.

That sounds like something you would get at the same store that you would a cronut. Do I want a cronut or a pilf? Do I want a cronut, a phonut, Do I want a cronut, a pho-nut, or a pilf? One of each. Why not? I've been good this week. It's my cheat day. Between nine and ten, it would make some of the saddest sounds.

And pigs make really intense sounds. This pig was not a super loud pig during the day. Sounds, this pig was not a super loud pig during the day. But when it was making sound, it was so sad that it made me feel like I was doing something really, really wrong. And I talked to Luke about it. We checked in with Luke about it, the pig's dad. And he said, you know, she just makes some noise before she goes to bed and she probably misses us. And you're not doing anything wrong.

But it was really hard for me to like settle myself into bed thinking like, oh, gosh, is this pig just so sad and miserable? Also, Luke and Rohini bought it. He had a little tiny disc man and he was just listening to the Smiths. Luke and Rohini bought it a dog bed and it basically ate the dog bed like the next morning we went out there oh huh it seems like there's no there's no appropriate pet gear for a pig because people don't have them as pets it's almost as if they don't make appropriate things for them

I was going to say that the crying may have been and the listening to the Smiths may have just been a pig realizing it was in a situation that was not natural to it and having an existential crisis. He's like, I'm an affectation. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Basically a waxed mustache, but a pet. The pig was happy to sleep on the dog bed during the day. But at night when it got upset, I came out the next day and just little brownish black pube-like tufts of dog bed stuffing were everywhere in the yard. And just the bed had been torn to shreds, like as though it was a prisoner trying to escape from a high prison window with his bed sheet. So jerk dogs might do the same thing. Sure. Could be totally jerk dog move. Yeah.

But as I said, the pig wasn't being aggressive at all. At no point was the pig aggressive. The only time the pig was aggressive was when it was with food. Pigs' intensity around food is ten times any dog ever. And I have one of my dogs was a street dog and she will go like in like an insane thing for any piece of scrap of food. Yeah. But this pig had had it beat by five.

And so and I, you know, after it bit me, it gave me feelings. I was like, pig, I'm trying to help you here, pig. You know, I defended you against those two assholes who said pigs were only good to be affectations or bacon. I said you're a smart animal and you're nice and you're sweet and you just bit the shit out of me. But then we made up. That's the thing with pigs, too. They don't realize who's sticking up for them on podcasts. I know.

They don't. They don't appreciate it. But then their owners come around and pick them up in a three-wheel motorcycle. Put it in a little sidecar. One really funny thing about a pig. They go to their urban beekeeping site. A pig's main way of interacting with the world is through rutting. And so pigs will come up to you and try and rut your feet.

So they will, like, go, they'll try and get, they'll do everything they can to get their nose underneath your foot and go. Fun. And it is really fun. You were stepping on his truffles, though. I was stepping on his truffles. That's a good point. So, yeah, I mean, it his truffles. That's a good point. So, yeah, I mean, it was, the pig was actually really sweet.

And I think for Luke and Rohini, whose house it lives in, it's probably a wonderful pet. But it was a little tough. It was a little bit of a challenge to have a pig in the backyard, more than I expected. I expected it to be a little chiller than it was. than I expected. I expected it to be a little chiller than it was. Do you think that was maybe adjustment period that the actual reality of it might have been something you could handle? You know, if it was

my pig, I could probably handle it. The other thing is... If it needs to be more chilly, you should just smoke it out. I mean, put him in a smoker. For his meat. Jordan does not value him as a pet. I have a lot of pig... I don. Pig. I have a lot of pig... I don't know.

I have a lot of dog... It'll get high, though. It'll be cool with that. I kept wanting to treat it like a dog, and it's a pig. Because I have dogs. Oh, and it loved the dogs, and the dogs loved it. They all played together, and that was really cute. That's amusing.

But I didn't know how to interact with it because I just thought I just know dog stuff. So, in fact, it bit my hand when I was like having it because it knows how to sit and lie down. So I was having it do that things like I would with a dog and it just went for my hand. Oh, like you pretended you had a treat? I did have a treat at one point. I gave him a treat from my hand and then he went for my treat after. He went for my hand because I guess it smelled like a treat. There was a treat from my hand and then he went for my treat after he went for my hand because I got to smell. There was a treat.

Now, did the pig have sort of more emotive expressions? And like, what was the soul of the pig like compared to a dog? The soul of the pig was very physical relative to a dog. So the pig wanted to sort of sidle up to me and sort of push his side into me and connect with me that way more than my dog does. Sort of like – actually, a funny way like a cat does, although without the sort of slinking past. But you know how a cat will kind of push into you? Sure. I guess because it's trying to show the world that it's the boss of you. A pig kind of will do that a little bit.

And also the rutting. And you can see, like, a pig has very bright eyes also. Uh-huh. Very bright-eyed creature. Not a sort of dopey-eyed creature like a sheep. But thinking, can you see the wheels turning? You can. Especially when Luke and Rohini were around, it reacted very clearly, very specifically to different stuff they did in the right way.

Like it got it. I was very impressed by this pig. Not enough to give up eating pork, let's be clear. No. But I was very impressed by it. They're vegetarians. Oh, interesting. No pork for them.

Have you checked the spider webs around you? Has there been any commentary about the pig on local spider webs? It's funny. The spider web said it was some pig. Yeah. So I said, well, which pig? And that was the end of that. Yeah.

So I sent it off to the slaughterhouse. It'd be funny if the spider web just said, eh. Yeah. B minus. Okay, pig. Okay, pig. Passable pig. So there spider web just said, eh. B minus. Okay, pig. Passable pig. So there's your pig update, everyone. I had a lot more feelings of I thought it would just be kind of fun and it would just be sort of hanging out in my backyard.

Turned out to be pretty intense emotionally and physically, much more so than I expected. That's your pig update for this week's Jordan Jesse Go. So if you're coming to L.A. and you need someone to watch your ferret or giant tortoise, you've got a backyard. I will absolutely watch someone's tortoise, not someone's ferret. Screw ferrets. I mean, I don't need a novelty pet. Yeah.

I'm talking about real serious. Real salt of the earth pets. Traditional pets. The tortoise is not a novelty pet. I'd like to have a. The tortoise is not a novelty pet. I'd like to have a chinchilla, but I hear that they're dicks. Are they? Are they bitey? Yeah, I think they're sort of bitey, but they're so beautiful and soft.

There's all that face washing too. The thing is. That's just like, oh, look at me. The thing, the reason I would like to have a tortoise is A, I've always liked turtles and I had turtles as a kid. But B, I just don't feel like it would cross me right you know it doesn't have the energy it just wouldn't occur to it yeah i read recently that people are into and this is a novelty pet for sure the sloth as a pet and i read a whole breakdown

about why it makes why it is actually it makes a good pet what are the reasons? Not domesticated. The number one. I guess. Clawed hands. Giant clawed hands. Completely, yeah, the size of a baby's face, clawed hands. They, I guess they're so low energy. They just, they don't want for much. They don't have aggression in them. And they're cuddly and easy as far as um food and their durability like you

i think they're very durable you only have to change the miles you change the oil every 10,000 miles like a volvo like that but i mean they don't like easily kind of get upset you can just give them like lettuce or you know they you don't have to get specialty food sure that's uh you just like give them a hamburger drive through m McDonald's. I don't know. I think probably lettuces and things like that. Thanks, boss. Do you want my Monopoly game pieces? I'll take the 50 piece.

Ah, that's enough. You're out of here. Why do you need too many? You want too many nuggets, Sloth. Sloth wants too many nuggets. I can't scratch off the game card because I have no idea what money is. Fair enough, Sloth. Don't carry coins.

And that's why they'll, you know. Sloth sounds like a terrible. They're dumber than a baby. Sounds terrible. Yeah. I'm not going to take it as Sloth. I'm sticking with normal pets like pigs, bunny rabbits. That's more normal, and tortoises.

I mean, I guess they're slightly more frequent. But is a pig any more? I don't know. It's out there. As Jordan would say, I think it's as out there as a sloth. It's not. Pet pigs is a thing. It's always pot A lot of, there's a, pet pigs is a thing. It's always pot belly pigs. But like, I think if you're thinking in terms of like how much you can engage, how much

you can pet, whether it's cuddly, I mean, it seems like a sloth is like pretty close to a stuffed animal. You don't have to worry about it running away. You can catch it pretty easy. That's actually one of the- Here's the difference. A sloth. You can just kind of jog after it.

There he goes. It's like a slow moving stuffed animal. A pig is a domesticated animal, though. Like, that's the key difference. A pig is a domesticated animal while a sloth is not. But a sloth, how much needs to be domesticated? It doesn't sleep a lot. I wonder where a sloth pisses.

I wonder if you have to, like... Yeah, pee's and poops. That's a central issue. Can be easily trained. Oh, yeah? Okay. Well, and I'll get a sloth. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily Maya Mills, just darling. Let's check back in with the update updates. Second update, we went to Denver last week to have our 1,000 ice cream cones project. It turns out, and we should explain that this was a project we did with our listeners. We raised enough money to give out 1,000 ice cream cones to strangers, to buy 1,000 ice cream cones for strangers.

And we went to Denver to do it at Sweet Action Ice Cream. Our friends own an ice cream store there. And it turns out that giving away 1,000 ice cream cones makes you feel good inside. Oh, yeah. That's the ultimate. I heard someone like Bruce Springsteen, maybe it was Bruce Springsteen,

somebody who gave some piece of advice somewhere along the way that anytime you burn a gold or a platinum album, buy yourself an ice cream cone. Because the moment will pass. You won't remember the feeling, but you'll remember the ice cream cone. Did he say what flavor to buy? No. What am I supposed to do with that advice then? I don't know. I feel like it's terrible advice because I've already had six platinum records. And you just had bread pudding.

And I just had that bread pudding. Nobody even really likes bread pudding. And it's the bread pudding you keep in the freezer for that occasion. It's the same bread pudding. And it's getting desiccated. Yeah. The moisture has left this bread pudding. At this point, it's barely a pudding at all.

It's really a loaf. More of a crouton. Yeah, sure. It is. Sweet croutons. It is, especially because I bake it and I put salt and pepper on it. But that's nice, because salads are so gross. You need some way to pep up a salad. Little chunks of bread pudding. You need a way to pep up

a salad. It's great. I mean, then you got a healthy meal right there. Here's the thing. It's also palatable. This show comes out on a Monday. Next week, we're going to release our Thousand Cones video. It's going to be gorgeous. And we are going to ask that everyone who listens to this program not just watch it,

but, you know, share it on your fucking Facebook and everything. So, so many people can be made happy by this amazing thing. I have to say, I was really touched by people's reactions to the cards that they got. Sonny D, our producer, is also a graphic designer and designed these cards to hand to people with someone's name on it when they got their free ice cream cone. So a lot of people honestly didn't even realize they were getting a free ice cream cone until they got up to the front of the counter. You know, like a variety of people went in with a huge, every possible reaction. And when we would hand them the ice cream, we would hand them a cone and say, you know, this ice cream was bought for you by, and it would be one of the names of the people who contributed to the Kickstarter fund. Awesome. And it was absolutely amazing, people's reactions.

They were so overjoyed. Did anyone cry? I don't know if we had any tears, but we did have some dogs eating ice cream, which is even better. Oh, yeah. We had, one of our Kickstarter thank yous was for folks who gave a certain amount of money, they'd get a postcard in the mail that was a little written thank you note from someone who had gotten their ice cream that they had paid for. And they filled out, the folks were filling out those cards,

and maybe there was a few dozen of those, 35 maybe. And we had filled those out with addresses and put stamps on them and just left some pens in this area. And when those were gone, people were so moved by doing this, they kept wanting to do it. And so they started grabbing promotional postcards from Sweet Action. And so we just have this stack of 25 or 30 postcards that just like little kids and stuff just wrote, thank you for my ice cream, John, or just whoever it was on their card. And then I want to be a dinosaur. Exactly.

And it was just lovely. It makes me want one day for these people unwittingly to hug for some weird... The person who bought the ice cream and the person who thanked them in the card. We could probably organize another Kickstarter to get people to hug their ice cream people. Hug their ice cream partner.

Yeah. Their ice cream angel, maybe? Sure, yeah. But I mean, but even if it just happened in the, like, I can imagine it happening organically somewhere in the future down the line. Like, no one ever knew, but these two ice cream angels came across each other one day. Ice cream angels came across each other one day. I was reading after we did this that Reddit has a similar thing that they do where they will buy someone a pizza randomly. They will send someone a pizza randomly.

And I thought that was a pretty good idea. But I think ours is better because you don't have to wade through a bunch of Pokemon shit. That's a really good point, Jordan. That is a really good point. That's what brings people together. Sure. Yeah. Monday is when our freaking... So does Pokemon, I guess, though, Jordan. That is a really good point. That's what brings people together. Sure. Yeah. Monday is when our freaking... So does Pokemon, I guess, though, too.

Well, right. Monday is when our ice cream video premieres. So watch it, share it, put it on your Facebooks, put it on your Tumblogs. You know, put the backstory there. Cherish it, really. That's a really good point, Emily. Cherish that shit. Cherish it like, you know, those moments as people were experiencing that ice cream that was just a gift from who knows where.

You know, cherish is a word, and I honestly cannot remember the rest of the lyrics of the song. Cherish. I have cherish. Cherish is a word. Nick, wake the fuck up and look this up. We still haven't seen that Kennedy picture either. Come on, man. Sonny D's out this week, and nick white is just fucking up left and right i mean this is a this may be and i apologize for the fact that you got caught up in this emily i don't i the last

thing i want to do is to have you get down there to the bottom of our smoothie and hit the blades of the blender but the truth is that this is the worst jordan jesse go we've ever recorded what it is the most shambolic jordan jesse go we've ever recorded the most disastrous jordan jesse go we've ever recorded and there's only one there's only one place to point i mean if people people know this program for being taught. This is boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Fresh takes, hot takes on current issues. That's the kind of stuff that we bring ordinarily on Jordan, Jesse, go. And so if I look at given stipulated, this is our worst show ever.

Stipulated, we've done 250 some odd 300 or so shows over the past six or seven years say what is the difference the difference we're sitting right there in the control booth nick white well there's also one other difference i'm your guest i'm i'm gonna go ahead and blame no i'm blaming yeah i'm my money on Nick. You've been doing a great job. You had a great nickname. Sure. Oh, great. Yeah.

It turns out you're from San Francisco, so you're basically good as gold for life with me. And I liked that when I found out you were from San Francisco off microphone and I said, oh, I'm from San Francisco too, and you thought that was interesting. You then clarified. You said, oh, are you from the city? Yeah. Or you're like not going to let some fucking guy from San Leandro slide through. Los Gatos.

Get out of here. Yeah. Sorry, Redwood City. Get the fuck out of here with your Mill Valley bullshit. Cities in the San Francisco Bay Area. Right. I'm from Dublin. Yeah.

Yeah. Whatever, dude. Take the five. Get out of here. Yeah. Suck a tailpipe. Oh, well, dude. Take the five and get out of here. Suck a tailpipe. Well, we have fun. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go.

It's Jordan and Jessie Go. I'm Jessie Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily Maya Mills, just darling. Look, when something momentous happens to you, the Jordan Jesse Goh listener, we ask you call us at 206-9844-FUN. It's not too much to ask, is it? No.

I think that's a great rule of thumb. I talked to somebody the other day. They said something momentous happened to them, and they didn't have the phone number in their phone, and then they went home, and it didn't seem that momentous or exciting anymore, and they couldn't remember some key details. Put in your fucking phone.

Oh, yeah. Get ready. You're listening to your phone right now, odds are. Yeah. I mean, having your momentous occasion played is such a career booster. And I'm not just talking about in the industry of podcasting or broadcasting or comedy. Any industry. Do you remember? Healthcare.

I'll give you a perfect example. Auto repair. I'll give you a perfect example. I'll give you a perfect example. It's 11 years ago, 10 years ago, and an almost unknown state senator from the great state of Illinois gets his momentous occasion played on Jordan Jessico. Are you serious? That's heard by the chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

He spoke with such poise and passion. And you could tell he was a handsome man. Yeah. He got a speaker's spot. With a good-looking wife. I don't think, Emily, I don't think you need to be able to tell that he's a handsome man. The way you can tell he's a handsome man is he listens to Jordan Jessica. Yeah.

What a dapper fellow. Ten years later, you know who that man is? Rob Blagojevich. I was just going to say. Blagojevich. The Blagojevich. Blagojevich's wife. Damn.

Ooh, Mrs. Blagojevich. Are you trying to seduce me? out i gotta say i love a toupee yeah oh i mean what's under there nice probably something cool probably a huge dick i want to get into that adhesive yeah sure good sweaty surface oh roddy roddy rod Roddy, Rod, Rod, Rod. Well, I just, I mean, I feel like if you have Instagram prepped on your phone, ready to take those pictures. If you have Facebook on your phone, ready to share those thoughts. Sure. You know, then you better have Jordan Jesse Gale's phone number plugged into your phone.

Yeah, this should be as much a part of your mobile experience as Grindr, I think. as much a part of your mobile experience as Grindr, I think. If anyone out there has Google Glass, you know that it has a speaker that plays directly into your brain bones. And that's a great way to listen to podcasts. You can also give it commands. So my recommendation for a Google Glass command for dial 206-9844-FUN would be, okay, Google Glass, make my life perfect.

Sure. Yes. I mean, then Google Glass would then play Jordan Jessico into your brain, your brain bone, and you'd say, this is my momentous occasion. You would call and it would just all circle in on itself and then you would turn to dust. And can I be, not before you said, grinder, fine-shaved Hispanic guys. I also want to say- The two tenants of a perfect life.

One more thing about momentous occasions. If your momentous occasion is that you have Google Glass, just re-examine everything. Just break it down and build it back up. You know, take it down to zero, demolition style. Get yourself a Microsoft Surface hat. And build yourself a new set of dreams. Yes. As Thoreau said, we do not ride the railroad.

The railroad rides us. Take off those stupid fucking glasses. That's the last part of that quote that people don't. And as the 609 boys once said, come on, ride the train. Come on, ride the train. I don't remember the name of the people who sang that song. I don't know. Good question.

69 boys? Why do I think they're called the 69 boys? I mean, it makes sense. I mean, if you were to make up a fake name of a band who sang that song, 69 boys is great. I feel like there was a lady in that boys. Anyway, the point is 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number to call for Momentous Occasions. We have three Momentous Occasions to share with you. Let us hear the first among them.

Hey, guys. Calling in with a Momentous Occasion slash moment of shame. Going in with a momentous occasion slash moment of shame, I was walking my dog down the street in an upscale commercial area of Los Angeles. And we walk in past a store with some dresses out on a rack on the sidewalk. And my dog proceeded to pee all over one of the white dresses and after i pulled him off i looked up and saw a man standing there uh looking at us with a very judgmental face on and that man was jeff goldblum all right wow keep up the good work and that rack was a 16 yearyear-old at a quinceañera.

I hear Goldblum will hang out at quinceañeras. Do you think that... You know how Bill Murray will show up to, you know, kickball games and house parties? Goldblum will just crash a quinceañera. In the heartbeat. Oh, man. I like the idea of just Goldblum having a full back tattoo that just says Quince Años. Sure.

I also like that it was a 16-year-old at the Quinceañera suggesting that possibly they'd been held back a year. Oh, right. But, you know, it's hard to say. Yes. I mean, it could just be a cousin. Yeah. Older sister. Yeah.

I mean, there are people within that one grade. What is it? A sophomore. Sometimes there's some variety in there. Yeah, yeah. Tons of variety. I was in a quinceañera. How'd that go?

It was a lot of fun. Although it was a lot of hard work. You'd be surprised. Did you have to do a big dance? Yeah. We rehearsed for months these waltzes. You don't have to fucking tell me about the waltzes. This is old news to Jordan Jesse Go listeners, but for a long time when i lived uh here in koreatown my apartment backed up to an alley it

was two sort of big brick 1920s apartment buildings that were maybe 15 20 feet in the alley between them and there was this quinceanera practice that would happen every weekend for hours and it was the same song it was this horrible like montevani liberace type piano song just perfect schlock grueling just over and over and over and over and over and over and over until i i really wanted to kill myself as a person who grew up in a noisy neighborhood and usually was like noise whatever give me a break it made me want to murder myself. And I went down to talk to the guy who was instructing this quinceañera dance class. Did he give you a piece of sweet bread? Did he give you a piece of pan?

Some pan dulce. Pan dulce. I went down there and I'm like, I'm sorry. I know you guys are having a class. Like it literally reverberated through the whole neighborhood because it's two walls up against each other. And I said, I know you guys are having a class, but do you think you could turn it down? Because it was really loud even down there. And I'm like, they don't really need it to be this loud.

And at first he pretended he didn't speak English, but I could see in his eyes that he was trying to trick me. And so I said, I think you speak English and I really think that you should turn this down. And so then he turned it down because he did, in fact, speak English. And then as I was walking away, he turned it back up. And so I called the cops on a quinceañera practice. Oh, wow. Because it had been going on for three hours every Sunday for like two consecutive months. And the guy was such a dick.

And then you went inside and kicked a pig. Is that? Yeah, it was all that I had left. You smashed the piñata. It was all that I had left. You turned over the punch bowl. Emily, so you were, when you say you were in a quinceañera,

are there like assignments? Is it like a wedding to where there is a wedding party and bridesmaids and things like that? It's very similar. What was your title? Oh, there was no title. I mean, I can't remember. Queen Bitch.

Am I right, Emily? I'm all right. No, it was probably Token White Person. I don't know. Every quinceanera has a token white person. I don't think they do. But I remember feeling like that only because there was one white boy who nobody knew and was kind of weird and i had to be paired up with him specifically because we were the two whiteys yeah well you

gotta keep the symmetry it's an aesthetic thing it's not a race thing right it's about it's about theme colors and it's true you know the party coordinator decides that it's not about a pink is there a was there a dress you had to wear? Yeah. It was very much like a bridesmaid's dress or like a tiny prom dress or something. Her dress was – I think quinceañera dresses now today are much more sort of like contemporary. But at the time, it was still that like – it was the mid-90s. So it looked like a cake and it was, you know, I mean, full blown. Sort of frosty.

Very much looked like it had been piped on. Were you, were you, did they expect you to get together with the other white? Was that, do you think they were trying to, like, set you up? No. Do you think they were trying to protect the purity of the white race? Like, we're concerned that you'll meet a handsome Latino boy.

No, no, no. It was strictly like, what would all of the family and aunts think? Who else would you pair them with? You know what I mean? It's just obvious. You don't want to upset the aunts. Oh, no. No.

And I do think you're right about the aesthetic thing. Like, you wouldn't want to upset the aunts because you have messed up the coloration. Sure. There are more, where I live, there are, like, more event halls specifically for quinceañeras than there are any other type of business besides jumper rentals. And it makes me feel like a real dick for never throwing giant parties that necessitate the renting of a hall. I mean, literally within a five-minute drive of my house, there are like five rental halls.

Well, why don't we do this this why don't we rent a hall we'll see how many nintendo 64s we can round up and just get a bunch of dudes to play goldeneye okay in a hall that sounds we mean we could have we could hire a ranchero band sure if we wanted to sure um it was fun up until you said a bunch of dudes. Where are the ladies at? Oh, come on. I mean dudes, friends, consorts. I only say that because you know how weird parties are when there just is no balance. That's true. Two issues here that I see with your dudes thing. Number one, I think Emily wants to play Goldeneye.

Yeah, that's right. Number two, I want to play Animal Crossing. It's not really a group game. It's a game for solitary weirdos. No, you send letters to the other animals and you try and gather new fruits. But the other animals aren't actual people. They're, you know, NPCs. No, they're animals, but they're sentient animals.

It's not like they're not literally. I think Jordan literally thinks it's like a panda bear inside his thing. It's like a panda bear that can walk and talk and write letters and gather fruit, plant fruit trees, et cetera. You know what? I'm sorry. I probably should not have brought up N64. Let's scrap it. Okay.

Rent out the rehearsal hall. Right. for let's scrap it okay rent out the rehearsal hall right we'll all go to you know various walls and we'll just write buffy the vampire slayer fan fiction in our notebooks okay and then do we share that at any point no no no no god no here's the thing it's for your private time is it fan fiction in a erotic sense or just? It can be. I mean, wherever your imagination wants to take it. Okay. You know. Jordan.

Let's say Giles and Angel hooked up. What would that look like? You know what? Probably be pretty hot. Jordan, number one. G slash A. I think that you're just taunting me because I think you know that I don't like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yeah.

And you're trying to exclude me from this event. Yeah. So let's do it, but with Firefly instead. Okay. I do kind of like Firefly. Sure, sure. We can do that. Okay.

Perfect. I think anything from the Joss Whedon universe can come into play. Okay. So Dollhouse, Cabin in the Woods. That's all fair game. Are those all in the same universe? I don't think they're in the same universe, but you know. It'd be good if they were, though. That would be cool. I mean, I don't think they're not in the Woods. It's all fair game. Are those all in the same universe? I don't think they're in the same universe, but you know. It'd be good if they were, though.

That would be cool. I mean, I don't think they're not in the same universe. I think when you get into the genre of fan fiction, it can be whatever you goddamn well please. Sure. But let's use Buffy as a jumping off point is all I'm saying. Okay. Or could we just play Animal Crossing, I guess? Or we could get some Twister mats in there.

just play Animal Crossing, I guess. Or we could get some Twister mats in there. As my fan fiction, can I just submit that there was an episode of Firefly and it had Christina Hendricks from Mad Men on it? Sure, that happened. There was two of them. That's my erotic fan fiction. Oh, but it actually happened?

Oh, but she's her character from Mad Men. She's Joan. I don't know. It doesn't matter. She could just hang out. Just whatever. Sure. All I'm saying is all I needed for a real kick in the pants in the erotic department is just she was there.

I'm a little afraid. That's fair. I'm a little afraid that when Mad Men ends, and it's coming up on the end, the last season I guess is next. Is it? I just hope Christina Hendricks gets on another show or involved in another project where she can be for once a year every cover of every magazine

has her on it. Oh, yeah. That would be great. Yeah. She's a foxy lady. She's a mega fox. Okay. Red book.

If you have ideas, I want to know... Sorry, Emily? Oh, no. I was just going to ask, are they ending Mad Men before it gets into

like disco? Yeah, I think that's kind of part of the idea. I think already people are looking kind of goofy in their late 60s clothes on that show. Right. So pull the plug before we end up with greasy frozen cocaine. Jordan, how much money would it take for you to grow? And I think you could do this if we did it right now, you could do it in time for our shows in the UK. How much money would it take for you to grow Pete Burns?

Oh. That's Pete from Mad Men style sideburns. Well, I could grow him pretty quick. Yeah. I'll be honest with you. Yeah? He's her suit. Sure.

Sure. Except for in the chest when I need him honest with you. Yeah? He's her suit. Sure. Sure. Except for in the chest when I need to work it. But in the face, I could grow Pete Burns. I'm a little – I feel like I – I feel like people will tell me to do a lot of, like, cosmetic things to myself, whether it be clothes or facial hair or whatever. Because I'm naturally kind of a goofball. So people will suggest I do things to make me look goofy. I would like some actual opinions. If anybody thinks this might actually look good, maybe I'll try it.

But I don't want to just be an intentional goofball, you know? It would look good in 1969 or 1992. Okay. So there's a couple of options for you. Okay. Well, so there's a couple of options for you. I kind of want, I thought you were going to ask him to grow out the full blown Afro that can like sort of be, you've had much bigger hair before. Yeah.

I have a fun and flirty summer do right now for all the people at home. Now, when it's been at its peak, have you ever picked it out? I have picked it out. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, I look like a seventies basketball player. So yeah. So that and Burns. Okay. We'll see. I want some other opinions. I don't want, you know, I don't want to be tricked into, you know, looking like a boob overseas.

I want to know what people think we should do in our Quinceañera hall that we're renting. Oh yeah, sure. I mean, yeah, we haven't really come to a, come to a consensus. We don't have any graduations coming up. I mean, I feel like we don't have any significant events. Momentous occasions. I know. So people can just get together in the hall and talk about momentous occasions. Or maybe there can be a momentous occasion contest, not to belittle other momentous occasions, but perhaps there is some kind of a voting system where we decide what we will celebrate the anniversary of. Jordan and Jesse's momentous occasion.

It's just an event. The itself, itself is the moment. Here's my concern. If we hire a DJ, I'm concerned that someone's going to start swing dancing. It's, I mean. It keeps happening at Max, it happened twice at Max Fun Con in five years. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

Swing dancing. I'm concerned about that. That's a concern that I have. I'm just throwing out a concern. You don't want that. Yeah. What if you don't hire a DJ? You don't create a theme or any specific point of activity, but everybody comes with their

own vision and their own iPod. You're suggesting some kind of clusterfuck then. We could just call it the clusterfuck. Jordan, I don't think it's so much a clusterfuck as it is a sort of Lord of the Flies situation. You get a conch and we just try and hash that. We lock the doors and try and hash that shit out. Listen, listen. Can we all agree we need to kill the pig

and spill his blood i'm just saying um what about what about anything goes uh-huh i mean people like it of anything cole porters anything goes wow what if okay what if we say that and then also cover the walls and floors with mattresses? So that could be, I mean, anything. Wrestling. That could be wrestling. Sure. And it would sort of be daring people not to turn it into... A fuck fest. A fuck fest, right.

What about anything goes and in parentheses, no kissing on the mouth? I'm fine with those two rules. But I don't want it to be a fuckfest. I still want it to be creative. No one wants that. I mean, if that happened. Organically. You don't want to force it.

Just Burning Man? What about Lil Burning Man? to force it just burning man are we what about lil burning man mini burning man in a quinceanera hall in island park i'll tell you what the only problem with this thing is a fire we had first of all your spanish is impeccable hombre de fuego de fuego de fuego. Hombre caliente. We had all this lube. I set my hands on fire. We had so many cases of lube from when we – because here's the thing. We did a pledge driver. One of the thank you gifts was our own branded rocket lube.

Oh, nice. issues around how many it was, you know, how many orders you get the price break, that kind of thing. We ended up with like, I'm going to say 10 extra cases of 12 bottles of lube and didn't know what to do with them. But I think something that maybe was a little bit of an oversight is that our listeners have naturally slick genitals. That's true. That's a good point.

Well, I don't, it's not natural. That's true. That's a good point. Well, I don't – it's not natural. They tend to spray them with DuPont products for a long-term slickness. So we donated them to a local gay and lesbian service organization. Is that a – is lube a service? So, yeah, it is.

I mean, it's like the kind of place that gives out condoms. And we called a couple of places. We're like, can we just call places and ask them if they want a bunch of lube? Is that weird? And we called these folks. One of the first folks we called and the guy just said, the guy on the other side of the telephone call with one of our development people, Lindsay Pavlis, just said, oh, my God, yes, we will come pick them up. So many people want to give us condoms and nobody ever gives us lube. That's great. So the problem is we're out of lube for the fuck fest.

Maybe we could circle back to them. Yeah, exactly. And they probably know how to get a fuck fest started. They do. Not only that, but maybe some of the recipients of the lube would like to come on out. Pay us back in kind. Pay it forward. Back, forward, forward, back, back.

Sure. Just pay it in various directions. The idea of renting a hall and just doing something in it is exceedingly appealing. Amazing. I don't know why balloons and pinatas are – I'm into that too. And I don't mean for theme. I just mean if you have a hall. Yeah.

Sure. No, I think so. I think – I would just maybe even kind of assume that the hall comes with those. It's such a part of the hall experience. Right. On the subject of gay and lesbian organizations and sex products, like this, you know, in my lean PA-ing, I'm as broke as I've ever been days. You were a red boy for a little while. I was a red boy for a little bit. My, like, one of my cost-saving measures when I needed condoms was there's some thrift stores here in L.A. called Out of the Closet.

Out of the Closet, yeah. I don't know if that's an L.A.-specific thing. I think it is. I think it might get a little bit further out of the... Sure. Anyways, and they always have a bowl of condoms out. So when I needed condoms, I would just go and pretend to browse around the store a little bit and then just take some condoms and leave.

Wow. And I would go to... They'll give you condoms at the Planned Parenthood. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, I found out about that later when I was having my... Did you meet at a Planned Parenthood. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, I found out about that later when I was having my appointment. No, sorry. Huh?

Gross. I think you can just go in and get some condoms. I think if you just go up to the counter and say, hey, I need some condoms. Or if you go up to the counter and just kind of throw your hands behind your head. Planned Parenthood. You know, I did go in. Yeah, yeah. I did try that.

I tried that once. I said, I went to the front desk and I said, excuse me, I need some condoms. And the lady just said, do you? Did she? No, she didn't. That would be very mean. Pretty rude. But no, I feel like I owe an apology to everybody at the, at the, out of the closet for all

the, like the fake browsing that I did just to get condoms. Well, I feel like you were doing the right thing. It's not a great thrift store. And that is what they're there for. I went into that thrift store just this weekend and I browsed a little bit and then I just left. Sure. I mean, it's got a certain funkiness to it,

but I found some wonderful items there and because the profit goes to charity and it's testing and HIV prevention and all that stuff, I feel like... You try and avoid it. I got a nice couch there once. One of my first inexpensive couches that I could move by myself was from there. Yeah. I have the stand that my TV's on.

You had a couch that you could move by yourself? It was very little. It was like this weird kind of wire-framed, kind of swinging bachelor pad 60s thing. And I had, you know, anyway. I was just impressed. It was great. It was not comfortable at all.

Did you use some condoms on it? Yes, I did. I coated it in condoms because it wasn't that comfortable. So when I just stretched them out and I kind of, you know, made like a little slip cover. Protect yourself. Protect yourself. Yeah.

Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guests. This is from, well, actually I'm not going to say where I'm from. That would give too much away. I was calling with a very momentous occasion. I like where this is going. I think you guys will get a kick out of this, especially Jordan. I just got back from a trip to my hometown

and checked a very important, lifelong, almost lifelong goal off my list. I took my girlfriend up to my hometown and took a little visit and a behind-the-scenes tour of a very prestigious natural history museum where I used to work. And we did it.

It being sex. We fucked in the museum during business hours. So, immortal power. Plug it in. Oh,

it was on top of a case of mammal bones and my girlfriend's really hot. Okay. Love you guys. Bye. I was going to say before she said mammal bones,

I was going to say I bet it was in gems and minerals. Oh, man. What a great call. That's really good. That is pretty good. What a vivid picture of something fantastic happening.

Two solid home runs in the calls department this week. What a fun. Oh, my gosh. That really brings me back around on fucking related calls. Sure. After that prostitution call a couple weeks ago that made me so upset yeah more fucking calls oh man you guys uh uh you fucked on top of a saber-toothed tiger probably oh my god probably just a giant sloth made made either way yeah

making some natural history in the natural history Museum. Good for you guys. Yeah, that's about as natural as it gets, huh? Getting it on. Pure. Thumbs up. Pure human living, yep. Thumbs up. One more call. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. Momentous occasion. It's Griffin in Louisville. I just received my commission as a Kentucky, a Colonel. So Jesse, if it's still dragging on for you, let me know. I'll help you out. We'll get you going. Love you guys. Love the show. Thanks so much. What the fuck Griffin? Let's do this. I don't know what happened to my Kentucky Colonel shit that was going down before. They were being really nice about it. I wrote a beautiful

letter. Maybe I a beautiful letter. Maybe I got turned down. Could be. And they don't want to tell me. Could be. I mean, because you are a, you know, you think it's just some like residual civil war kind of. You might have traced your lineage. Yeah, maybe you're all Yankees.

Yeah. Here's the thing, Griffin. I'm in. There's all those pictures of you eating pot roast. Email me. Email me, Griffin. Jesse at MaximumFun.org. Let's the thing, Griffin. I'm in. There's all those pictures of you eating pot roast. Email me. Email me, Griffin. Jesse at MaximumFun.org. Let's make this happen.

I have a Kentucky interest letter locked and loaded. All I have to do is Google my computer and write Kentucky. It's going to show up how much this letter I wrote about how I want to become a Kentucky colonel so I can better serve the American people. Oh, and if anyone wants to fuck at a natural history museum... Call Jordan? Call, yeah. Wow. Why is that only for you?

Do you want to? You can't. I just assumed. I'm sorry. No, I mean, why was that call only for you? I didn't mean... Why did she dedicate the call to you? I don't know.

I mean... Yeah, I mean, I think I just have a reputation for being sexually adventurous. Hmm. Well... I've done it in literally three positions. No, I mean, I think I just have a reputation for being sexually adventurous. Well. I've done it in literally three positions. All three of them. Jordan, number one, that's impossible.

There's only two positions. That's true. Oh, I recycle the positions when it's nighttime. So you've done two nighttime positions and one daytime position? Yes. I gotcha. Yeah. I'm hoping to knock off the other daytime position at some point. I follow.

Maybe on my wedding night. What prehistoric creature would you most like to fuck on or next to? Well, there's Dynatheria. Sure. We're talking about mammals, right? This is like ice-aged mammals. No, I'm throwing it open to all major prehistoric creatures. Okay. yeah sure we're talking about mammals right this is this is like ice-aged mammals no i'm i'm throwing it open to all major prehistoric creatures okay so this is like even pre-dinosaur reptiles

like triassic period shit yeah but i mean also diplodocus sure i think i might go glyptodon i was kind of in that kind of uh kind of you know prehistoric mammal zone while we were talking about this but um you know there's an there mammal zone while we were talking about this. But, you know, there's an armor there, so there's a toughness. Right. But also underneath, they're kind of soft and fuzzy. Right. So, you know, best of both worlds. Hmm, yeah.

I would like to say a stegosaurus. Okay. Because I'm into the bony, bony plates. And I think that it would help me get a bony, bony deck. Bony, bony. You like it rough. Sure. Yeah.

I was sort of thinking the same thing, but I was, for some reason, I thought it was Brachiosaurus. What is a Brachiosaurus? Long, no. Yeah. Brachiosaurus is kind of like a, you know, kind of the beginning of Jurassic Park dinosaurs. They have the kind of ridge on their head that they can use to breathe underwater. So probably a blue whale. Yeah.

Sure. They've been around for a while. They have been around. And, you know, the baleen can be stimulating. Exceptionally stimulating. That's called fucking Jonah style. Right? The deer's having sex just like biblical Jonah did.

Yeah. They leave that out of a lot of editions of the Bible, the part where he just gets his fuck on while he's in there. Yeah.

If you read it in the original Greek. Which I have, the ancient Greek. Uh-huh. And you learn a little bit more about Jesus

as a historical figure. Uh-huh. And as a sexual being. Yes. And about the fucking crazy fuckfest that Jonah went through while he was being tested. There were really two tests. One was that he'd been swallowed by a whale. The second, interestingly, was could he tear himself away from this fuckfest to get out of the whale?

In a way, there's something so romantic about it because it's sort of like the original downstairs of a yacht. He was just bawling down there. He's like, welcome. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily Maya Mills, chest.

Darling. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm thinking about downstairs of a yacht. That's great. Okay. Okay. Downstairs of a yacht, back room of a yurt. Two great places for fucking.

The two most romantic places in the world. Yeah. Third is Natural History Museum. Sure. Well, it depends what exhibits are on. That's true. I've done it. I've done it in a cemetery. I've done it in a cemetery. Yeah? Yeah. How'd it depends what exhibits are on. That's true. Gems and minerals. I've done it in a cemetery. Yeah? Yeah.

How'd that go? It was fun. I mean, I don't think it was for spooky reasons. It was just like, you know, Hollywood Forever Cemetery is very, like, elaborate. Sure. Was it spooky? No. I think it was more, uh, I think it felt a little romantic just because it was just like all these people

have experienced love. All these people are fucked. So you thought you were like – It's how you frame it. It's going on here. These people's dicks and vaginas and buttholes have just gone wild. So you were like, oh, these people have been dormant for so long and kind of in limbo or who am I to say where you go when you die? Yeah.

But you were just reminding them of the kind of pleasures of life. Right. Yes. The carnal pleasures. I thought you meant they've been dormant for so long that the dudes just have super full balls. Yeah. They're just ready to go. Oh, yeah.

Ready to blow. Can I – did you use any of the monuments? Yeah. Or was it just like in a – oh, okay. I guess I could see a version of that where you just lay down a blanket. Oh, yeah. No, it was more – yeah. No, it was more – there was more sort of use of structure.

You can brace yourself on something. Yeah. Is it in, like, mausoleum? No, but there, you know how there are all these sort of smaller, shriny kind of structures? What am I thinking? What is the actual? A shriny structure. You're thinking of Shriners?

Yeah. The drive kit? Little tiny cars and where Fez is? Well, that's who I was seeing at the time. Oh, man, yeah, Shriners love to drive little tiny cars and wear fezzes? Well, that's who I was seeing at the time. Oh, yeah. Shriners love to get crazy in public. They get down. Because you can't get down in those little cars.

No, exactly. It's just not practical. It's not happening. Gotta get out of the car. Not practical. Once you drive to the point with a Shriner, you're going to need to do some outdoors fucking. Sure. You can't just fog up the windows.

Were you worried at all? Tomb is the word I was looking for. Tomb. They have this little tomb. Were you worried about the zombie hand coming up at any point? No. That would be my main concern.

I think it was just like it was a nice full moon. Sure. The werewolves were out. One bit my butt. Yes. Sure. Cool.

No, I don't know. It all seemed very lovely and serene. You were a teenager. Your boyfriend was a wolf. We tried. We pitched a third. He was really good at basketball. Yeah.

We tried to get a trilogy going, but they ended it. Was there a third Teen Wolf? I think there were just two Teen Wolf movies. Yeah. But, I mean, I think they left the door open for a third. Can I give... Oh, I guess there's the show now. There's a Teen Wolf show.

Oh, right. Anyway. I want to give an update on our Vida JJ Go contest. We asked the people to take their favorite bit from Jordan and Jesse Go and make some video element. I will say, we've had two entries so far. They're both excellent there is a clear winner the clear winner is a guy who with his

younger brother who looks like he might be a 13 year old I don't mean to offend if you're a small 16 year old or you're a big 10 year old or if you're some sort of Benjamin Button character it's hard to tell 50 that's an

age range where people change a lot you still joke about benjamin button right and uh there's a video where they reenact my story about the guy who asked me you're russian uh by leaning out of his car and one of them plays the guy one of them plays me and one of their dogs plays my dog. How amazing. And they lip sync it and it's just gorgeous. So both of the folks who have Vida JJ go videos up right now, email Jennifer at maximum fun.org. And,

we'll send you some stuff. Give her, give her your email, email address. We'll send you some stuff. Tell her what t-shirt size you wear. And I also wanted to mention, I was at the

Silver Lake Reservoir here in Los Angeles, a reservoir popular for half Prius men and women like myself to run around. And my wife and son and I were going for a walk. And this guy just passed me and he just sort of crested a little hill in front of me.

So I didn't see him fully until he was right up on me. Shirtless guy, sort of a big burly guy. Shiny from sweat. Very shiny from sweat. Big beard. And just as he's maybe two feet in front of me, he sort of locks eyes on me and he goes, Full chart! Full chart!

And then he just keeps running past me. And so I just want to thank that guy for just making all my full chart dreams come true. Is it possible he's never heard the show? That he's just the world's craziest guy. It is entirely possible. That would be as magical as the two ice creams finding each other. It would be great if he was just running up the hill, and as he got to the top of the hill, he had a great idea for a license plate. No one will get this!

Yeah, so thanks to that guy. And I heard a rumor that our first full short license plate is like being processed right now. It's being made by prisoners as we speak. Holy shit. How about this? One thing we forgot to mention about our ice cream experience. While we're there, we're interviewing these two young ladies. And I'm mentioning this because it may appear in the film film but i don't think it's going to be a spoiler

we're interviewing these two young ladies i don't think you could have a spoiler for something with no plot yeah we we're interviewing these two young ladies about their ice cream we do reveal the end of breaking bad though in the video at the end we jesse kills walt oh no yeah but it's me but it's jesse yeah it's Jesse. Yeah. You kill Walt. Yeah. Exactly. A random guy who has not been at the show. Although I do say yo a lot.

Sure. Like at weird times that make you feel like a guy who doesn't say yo told me to say yo. Yeah. Somehow. I don't know how. The most uncomfortable thing. With a script or something. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. So I am at the- We're interviewing this pair of young ladies. It's one of them. It's their birthday. The other one, they're talking about ice cream. They're for the birthday.

They're going to get a tattoo. I say, you should get a Jordan Jesse Goat tattoo. What would it take to get a Jordan Jesse Goat tattoo? She says, I'm not getting a Jordan Jesse Goat tattoo. And then she points to her friend and she says, she would. And I'm like, okay, what does it take? And she's like, I don't know. She's like, well, what it costs to get a tattoo?

And I'm like, I got a hundred bucks in my pocket. And I pull it out and she's like, that's what a tattoo costs. And I'm like, great. So you're going to get this tattoo? She's like, yup. And I'm like, you know know it's a bad idea right she's like i don't think so i really love your show and it would remind me of this great day and how much i love your show when i saw it oh man so her name is denise did she do it she totally

fucking did it oh that's amazing and not only that it's a really lovely tattoo it's a a very well rendered ice cream cone it's color really lovely tattoo. It's a very well-rendered ice cream cone. It's a color tattoo, well-rendered ice cream cone, looks gorgeous, has some sprinkles on it. That's great. And it has one of those sort of text flags, you know, like that might say mother. Uh-huh. Oh, great. And it says JJ Go on it.

Oh, that's amazing. What if it was like a cheeseburger in paradise tattoo or something? I know. I know. Thank goodness. And I paid for it. I gave her the $100. She gave it to the tattoo man.. I know. Thank goodness. And I paid for it. I gave her the hundred bucks. She gave it to the tattoo man.

It was tremendous. That's beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. Does she get any kind of lifetime privileges to anything? I mean, I think she always gets invited to Jordan's fuck fests. Yeah, sure. Lifetime fuck fest access. She can, I mean, as far as I'm concerned's she's just good as gold with me if you get

a tattoo here i'm going to offer this it's the first thing that comes to my mind if you get a jordan jesse go related tattoo including the max fun rocket ship doesn't have to include but i'm saying it that extends to the max fun rocket ship because a couple of people have gotten max fun rocket ship what about something from dollhouse or cabin the Woods? It's not in the same universe. Okay. Just the same creator. Sure. Did we mention that Joss Whedon created our show?

No, I didn't. But the dialogue's so snappy. Very snappy. That's why everyone's always saying something that's most of a joke, but not quite a full joke. Not all of it. Yeah. More like fun than an actual joke.

Right. Right. A nod to a joke. A nod to a joke. Yeah. More like fun than an actual joke. Right. Right. A nod to a joke. A nod to a joke. Yes. So I say anybody who gets a Jordan Jesse Goh tattoo or a Max Funn rocket ship tattoo, we will welcome you with open arms at a taping of Jordan Jesse Goh here at Max Funn headquarters. You can't have a significant criminal record. No violent convictions.

Yeah. And you can't have a significant other with you? How about just... Oh, yeah. Well, that's for the fuckfest part. Sure. Okay. I mean, if they're down.

Yeah. If the significant other is down. Okay. But I don't need a bunch of jealousy and drama, you know? Right. God, I don't need any more drama, guys. don't have the tat yeah so let's draw the line somewhere here's the thing no cops in jordan's day-to-day life as an nba player traveling the country fucking beautiful women he gets more than his fair share of drama and bullshit. Yeah. Baby mama drama, to be specific.

They're everywhere, huh? He never uses protection. No. Well, it feels worse. And he always has sex with women who aren't on the pill. Right. And so the drama that he gets- Again, it feels worse.

You can feel the pill. They say you can't. But you kind of can. But when I'm, you know. But you kind of can. But when I'm, you know. To be fair, you will sometimes put a Norplant up your butt. Sure.

That's just so I don't forget it on my way home. I also do it with my keys, too. But sincerely, if you get a Jordan Jesse Goat tattoo, I don't care how small it is. I don't care where it is. I mean, I'm interested care how small it is. I don't care where it is. I mean, I'm interested to see where it is. I mean, we want to see your butt. But all you have to do is send it to us. JJGo at MaximumFun.org.

Send us a photograph. It has to be a real tattoo. We will schedule a time for you to come by. If you're going to be in Los Angeles, we usually tape on the weekends. We will make an accommodation for you so that you can come by. You'll get a tour of MaxFunWorld headquarters. You'll get to hang out while we're taping a show. We'll talk about you.

Probably say some nice things and some unkind things. But the unkind things will be all in good fun. And true. We'll send you out with a- Also true. Very true. We'll send you out with like- We will break you down. One of every weird promotional thing that we have six left of.

Great. Like not enough to sell or give away. Is there any more lube? I don't think there's any more lube, but we do have water bottles. Cool. We've got some bubble gum cigars. Oh, nice. We've got a wide variety of weird stuff.

We could do an Iron Man if we needed to. Yeah, a lot of of weird stuff. So we could really do an Iron Man if we needed to. Yeah, a lot of Luna bars. Yeah. So that's a real offer, Jordan. Yeah. I think it's beautiful. I'm not saying it's not. It's beautiful.

I'm going to think about it. Give it some thought. I know you don't have any tattoos now. Zero. But I think this is a good first tattoo. We have a good looking logo. You do. That's why. We have a good looking logo. You do. That's, yeah.

We have nice logos. I say go for it. I say do this. And really any of the imagery you bring up would be fantastic. Like ice cream cone is great. Like some, you know, sweet pig, you know, just. Chompers. Get chompers tattooed on yourself.

Yeah. Speaking of some pig. Yeah, right? That's a hell of a pig. Mm-hmm. Great yourself. Yeah. Speaking of some pig. Yeah, right? It's a hell of a pig. Mm-hmm. Great pig. Okay. We'll see you in the UK, UK.

Our next episode is probably going to be delayed because we're going to be traveling overseas. Our apologies for that. But in the meantime, check back at MaximumFun.org so you can see our ice cream video. And Emily Maya Mills, it has been a delight to speak with you. Thanks so much for having me. I'll see you guys at the hall. People can follow

your Twitters online, right? Yes. Everything I do and have is all Emily Maya Mills at Twitter, Facebook. Dot com. Dot com, yeah. All of that.

Dot net. Dot net. Dot biz. Dot TV. Dot. Co.uk. HuffPo's not fucking around. Emily's got a great Twitter.

Some of the funniest Twitter jokes, I think. I think this is your, it's a guaranteed home run follow. Thank you so much. I would say. Thank you. She's probably the funniest person to come out of a Catholic high school in San Francisco since the great Al Madrigal. Oh, yeah.

Indeed. Come from a, come from a, come from, come from good stock. Good stock. Good stock. Falling in big shoes, but. Indeed. Come from good stock. Good stock. Good stock. Falling in big shoes, but... Yeah. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records.

Nick White on the board is actually doing quite a good job. This week's episode, still produced by Sunny D, Brian Fernandez. Brian's out of town on a family emergency. So, Brian, we're thinking of you, pal, and we're thinking about the situation with your family. And we wish you really all the best and hope for a quick recovery. Indeed. Thanks much, pal. We'll talk to you next time.

Thanks for having me. On Jordan, Jesse, go. Ciao. We'll talk to you next time. Thanks for having me. I'm Jordan Jesse Go.