Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 288: In The Round with Dave Ross

Episode Date: August 19, 2013

Comedian Dave Ross joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of monkey butt, Jesse's electronic repair man, apartment hunting, and Dave's future comedy special.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles, a little warmer than I'd like. A little worn out, Jordan. Yeah? You exhausted? I'm exhausted, I went for a walk.

Aw, you been fucking all day, buddy? I've been fucking all day, buddy. I've been fucking all day, buddy. I am all fucked out. Little guy all tuckered out. I know. Hey, we'll put you in your jammies. Don't get me started on the chafing, Jordan. Oh, boy.

I'm exhausted, but also the chafing. Sure. Well, it's because you've been fucking steel wool. I have slathered myself in unguents and balms. Just, you know. I, uh, there's, uh, I've been having a little problem

with, uh, sweaty crotch this summer. Okay. And, uh, I went to the store to get some gold bond. Uh, they did not have gold bond,

but they... Now, for listeners who don't know, that's a brand of medicated powder. Sure. Uh, also nice to throw in your shoes

if you've been walking around with no socks on. Sure. They did not have Gold Bond. They had a product called Monkey Butt. Okay. And Monkey Butt has a cartoon baboon on it with a big red butt, and he's pointing to it. Right. And I'm like, oh, God, this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever had to purchase.

But I bought it. Fucking monkey butt works like a charm. Really? This is the freshest my crotch has been in years. Years? Years. Since prepubescence? Oh, yeah, easily.

Is that what we're talking about? This is the freshest post-pube crotch I have had. Wow. Monkey butt. What is the freshest post-pube crotch I have had. Wow. Monkey butt. What is the- Hold on! Sorry. Our guest on the program.

Our guest on the program from the new already smash hit nerdist podcast, Terrified, is Mr. Dave Ross. Hi, Dave. Hello. Thank you for having me. It's a delight to have you. Dave, do you have any input about this? I'm interested to hear what you have to say. I have so much input.

First of all, just right from the beginning, you guys are just winning the hearts and minds of all the kids with your gold ball. We know what the kids like. We know what the kids like to hear. We're reaching out for that tween audience. My crotch is, oh, I gotta powder my crotch. And my hip. Anyway. Why's music gotta be so loud?

I remember when we used to listen to Andy Kirk and his 12 Clouds of Joy. Subject number four, Demi Lovato. Who is that and why does she have to dress so trampy? I want to make a comment on that point. So I took my stereo in for repair. Okay. That already I don't know what you mean. Okay.

I have a stereo receiver. Okay. What? And one of the channels was out. So I had to take it to the electronic repair store. Jesus Christ. And Dave, I don't need this kind of back talk. I'm trying to share a fun anecdote with you.

Yeah. Okay. So I have been, number one- Well, hold on. Do we finish up about my crotch? Does anyone have any questions about that? I do have a question, sir, that I think- Yeah, yeah.

Sure, sure, sure. We can circle back. We're down a new path. We can circle back. Yeah. So I go to the electronics repair store in my neighborhood. I'm grateful- The scent is medicated.

That's the scent. Sorry. Go ahead. I know that's what you were going to ask. I'm grateful that there is an electronics repair store in my neighborhood. The scent is medicated. That's the scent. Sorry. Go ahead. I know that's what you were going to ask. I'm grateful that there is an electronics repair store in my neighborhood. It's on a strip that is fast gentrifying. I'm concerned. I hope he has a long-term lease because I may need electronics repair in the future.

I am blown away that there is one around here that isn't just a Best Buy or something. Well, there's no repairs at a Best Buy. Really? They have like the Geek Squad or whatever. Yeah, what about the Geek Squad? They can repair a Hi-Fi, right? I think they still know. Yeah.

The Geek Squad, all the Geek Squad will do is connect your surround sound speakers or like get a virus off your computer. Yeah. That's what the Geek Squad does. They might know that you need a splitter or they could find a splitter for you. How long in your estimation until the electronics store becomes a cupcake store?

What do you think, six months? How long before you can get a cronut there? Oh, a cronut. Let's not talk about cronuts. Okay. So much cronuts in my life.

So I went to the electronics repair store. I drop it off. Dave, you should have brought enough cronuts for everyone. I don't like you eating it right in front of us. I did, but that's why I was late. I was eating my cronuts. Okay, sure. I'm sorry.

Now I'm sorry twice. You reek of them. You reek of them. I should mention here that the electronics repair store guy at the electronics repair store which is exactly like if you imagine that they did a segment on even those would be if they did a documentary segment on sesame street about an electronics repair store but there happened to be more flat screen TVs. That's what it looks like.

It's just piles of open electronic stuff. Sure. Cases with nothing in them, very poorly lit by fluorescent bulbs. And I went in there. He also left me a message where he said, we open at 930 if you want to come in tomorrow. But I usually get in around 10. So you might want to come after that. You know, that's so funny.

PM? Yeah. You're talking PM? Yeah. He gets there at 10 PM. Stays till 2 in the morning. He's on speed the whole time. It's so funny.

There's these places, like these local places that do like – that it is so sad when they get, you know, gentrified out or bought out or whatever. They always have the weirdest business practices. I think that like those places like you would love to patronize more, but they're just so weird. And the people who. Well, I think that there's like when you're with stores like Target and Best Buy and stuff like that, like they're just faced with one of two options. They either have to go incredibly specific or sort of broaden their horizons. And either way, they're fucked. If you're an electronics repair store, they're like, no, we're also going to sell corn on the cob.

We also sell Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Yeah, exactly. Or they're like, no, now we only fix Sanyo or whatever. Sanyo only. So this man is ethnically indeterminate. And I say that because he could be a swarthy white man. He could be- You can just say swight man.

He could. You can just say Swipe Man. I really, I genuinely, even having seen his name on his business card, which he gave me, I could not guess at his ethnicity, and it's been bothering me. So he's like every landlord I've ever had. Yes. He's clearly from a foreign country. I mean, it's going to be something that you didn't think of, like a part of the Ukraine.

Sure. Something Eastern Bloc. Like a Mediterranean part of the Ukraine. Right. Or the Indian mission in Madagascar. Yeah, or Azerbaijan. And usually in Los Angeles. I am from disputed zone.

What? When I have that reaction to meet someone. Where is your accent from? I usually run a check in my head. Is this person Armenian? Because there's a lot of Armenian Americans in Los Angeles, which there aren't in San Francisco, but it's a significant portion of your people with heavy immigrant accents that are a little bit difficult to place. That's funny. So now you're trained to consider, is everyone Armenian?

Yes. At this point, if I'm not sure, I'm going to guess that they're Armenian. But this guy, I don't think he's Armenian. And so I just mentioned that because he speaks in this accent. It has the sort of hardness of an Eastern European accent. But that's all I can offer you. So when I speak in that voice, it's all I can give you. We can play his voicemail later.

We'll play his voicemail and we'll get to know it. But he fixes the receiver for me. It's great. $100 later, my receiver's fixed. The left channel's, he got some parts. He put them in, et cetera, et cetera. I was very grateful to him. Sure.

And he invites me back into the store. He says, you put money in meter. And I'm like, yes. And he says, you come back, meter and i'm like yes he says you come back i connect you take a listen i'm like he says it's very fine unit and i'm like okay excellent this sounds great i get to go into this guy's inner sanctum and see his very fine unit and so this guy is really intense he looks sort of like for one thing he's sort of he's a little smallish but a little muscly. And he's maybe in his late 50s. But he's pretty weathered like a guy who smokes a lot.

And he has a sort of faded tattoo that looks like it could be from the Marine Corps. Looks like it could be the Marine Corps insignia that's pretty big that's on his lower arm underneath his arm hair. It is a really – this guy is a really intense guy. And so he invites me back into his inner sanctum. I go back into his inner sanctum. He hooks it up, turns it on, sounds great. He's got it on FM radio. It's getting great reception too.

So he's scanning the stations. He's telling me before it had a hard time getting past 89 on the dial and he cleaned it up and now it's moving smoothly and he lands on a station that's playing the daft punk song get lucky and i wrote to this song he says they give me no royalty and I wrote it 40 years ago. He says, get lucky, get lucky. And I'm like, what is this? So I'm not sure where this is going at all. I can't tell what tone he's saying this in.

I can't tell if he thinks it's funny that it's called Get Lucky and that's a clever double entendre. Or I think that he hates this song. He hates the phrase Get Lucky. And then he says – Because he thinks the song of the summer is Blurred Lines. Yeah. And he's mad. Which, by the way, it is. Yeah.

Yeah. Come on. Come on. Come on, ethnically vague tattoo guy. So then the man says to me, then the man says to me, he says, he says, these songs, get lucky,

do this, do that, fuck, fuck, fuck. We all do it. We don't talk about it. And I'm thinking,

So he thinks the daft punk are tacky for writing a song about sex. I'm thinking, you seem to be talking about it, sir. And he says, I think all these young boys, they write these songs, we round them up. These young boys, you mean these 50-year-old French guys? We round them up, we kill them all. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What? And again, his song should not be about sex. It should be about ball games, science, what a dog does when no one is looking. Song should not be about sex. He's saying this in this voice that he could be joking, maybe, but he's definitely not laughing. joking maybe but he's definitely not laughing and then he says he says and this was a very important moment for me because it gave me an important clue he said i'm from europe okay and i'm like okay okay good good awesome i'm like what are some what are some you're in europe not

fidel castro we've ruled out Aborigine. I sincerely had not ruled out Latino until he said he was European. I was like, maybe he's an Argentine or something. So, okay. So he says. Do you think maybe he does know more about Daft Punk than you think? Maybe he's just racist against robots. Yeah. Maybe he thinks that these are actually robots

and that they have out-of-control libidos. To be fair. They're looking to fuck our human women. If he's racist, it's probably against Pharrell and Nile Rodgers, right? That's true. Right, yeah. So the guy, then he says, he says, I'm from Europe.

When I lived in France for two years, they make a law. Can show anything on TV, but must be after midnight. That's when children are always asleep. So does he like this? Is he against this? He says, President then,

Francois Mitterrand. And I'm like, whoa, this is way more than I'm prepared to process. I just came to pick up my car stereo, my home stereo system. So he wants to round up anyone who writes a song about sex? And kill them. And kill them. That's such a big job.

That's what most songs are about. You would have to, before you kill them, put them in camps, I think. Oh, that's true. Yeah, there would have to be an internment process. Maybe put them to work. Concentrate them together into a camp. Especially if you're talking about songs that include sort of allusions to having sex rather than directly saying sex. Well, because then you're going back 100 years.

Get lucky. Well, I mean, what about classics like Rocksteady is a good example. A song that's not overtly about sex, but, you know, the subtext. We're going to rock around the clock tonight. Sure. Get up for the downstroke. Sure. For instance.

Exactly. The Carmina Burana. The Song of Solomon from the Bible. Oh, sure. Yeah, right. Do you think his philosophy extends to that or? Also, this guy fixes old stereos, right? Shouldn't he love Daft Punk?

Oh. You know? Sure. I feel like there's no way he's not one of the two people in Daft Punk. I think you're picturing a guy who fixes old stereos possibly in like Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Yeah. He has a handlebar mustache. And he sort of glows.

And suspenders. Yeah. This guy did have a mustache. But like a serious one? But it was a mustache that he's been – that has been his signature mustache for 40 years. Okay. Since he was 12. Like he's mostly mustache.

But then he's like, I am getting into a fixed gear bike and doing my own canning. I am making own preserves at home. My wife, she plays ukulele. You won't believe what I get in my farm share. My wife plays ukulele in all female ukulele black flag cover band.

Yeah. So I really, it's, I am really grateful to him for, oh, the other thing is, is when I went in, this shit is like an onion. Okay. When I went inside to pick it up, he's got a bell hooked up to the front door that goes ding, dong, ding, you know, just like a regular electronic bell. Okay. Not a man saying ding, dong, ding. No, it's a man. Oh, okay.

I mean, the electricity stimulates the man and the man knows what to do. It electrocutes the man. The man receives a small shock. Ding dong ding. I get it. And so that sound plays as he enters the room. In the back room where he sits and does his repairs is literally the loudest. is literally the loudest sound like a fucking nuclear submarine warning sound in the back,

like louder in the front than the noise in the front is. So, I mean, I think this with these places, I always, you know, my my go to explanation is always like this is a front for something. This is a tax shelter. This is a money laundering thing. How does this place stay open? I think that maybe he does, you know, he is running the bills through that bill sorter back there. And the loud thing is just to make sure he doesn't get raided. That's my. That's a really interesting.

So you think he may be making illegal modifications to people's flat screen TVs? I think so, yes. He's putting in – maybe he's installing things to depixelate the Playboy channel. Yeah, exactly. So dads can watch Spice TV. Dude, Spice. Oh, my God. Here's the thing.

As much as this man threatened to murder all of my – let's be honest, all of my favorite musical artists, I trust him. I like this man. I like that he trusted me. I like that he fixed my stereo. Well, that's the big one, that he fixed your stereo, you know? He did it. He fucking did me a solid. I can't believe that anyone knows how to do that still.

It's the kind of shit that i really value having in my life it's the kind of shit that's being replaced on the street that he's on by vintage clothing stores almost exclusively vintage clothing stores and so i really i'm all for this guy and when he fixed except for his genocidal tendencies except for the fact that he may or may not be willing to... You know what? Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we'll take a listen to his voicemail,

and you guys can tell me if you have a guess as to what nation he comes from. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la After you have the baby, how long does it take before you feel like your old self? Will you ever get to be sick again and lose yourself overnight in a NyQuil fog? Will you ever again sit on a toilet alone? Join us every week to find out. And remember, you don't have to leave your baby on a checkout conveyor belt to be one bad mother. Subscribe for free on iTunes or go to MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart

Jordan Morris, boy detective Hey, Dave Ross. Guest. There you go. You can come up with a nickname if you want to. Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Think about it.

Sure. Next break. We've got time. We've got to listen to this voicemail right now. Right. People have been on pins and needles. Yeah, for the last five seconds. Yeah.

I'm assuming the audience's break is as long as ours. Okay. Brian, play the voicemail, and we're open opinions. Hello, Jesse, this is Gary from American TV Service calling. You have an AM FM stereo amplifier, the Colibri. It is done. Right now it's 525. I'm here until 7 o'clock.

When you get the message, if you want to get back to me, or otherwise, we also open Saturday from 9.30 till 7. But usually I come around 10 o'clock, so whichever time. Otherwise, Monday, any time is good for you. You can come and pick

it up. I'm enjoying the sound of it. I'm enjoying the sound of it. Pretty cool unit. Okay, enjoy the weekend. If I don't see you, see you later. Bye-bye. He had a bit prepared.

You know what that music sounded like in a haunted house movie when someone opens a music box that has a little ballerina inside? It sounds beautiful. Yes. When the music stops, I see my dead wife. She scream at me because I did not save her from fire. Who are you, Gary?

That voicemail kind of makes me think it is a front because the name of the company is American TV Service. American TV Service, not fake. I am not criminal. That's what the sign says. Yeah, totally.

Even though I feel like our impression of him has been accurate, there's no way we're getting out of this episode without being called racists. No, no, no. We are racists. We are racists. Straight up racists. That's true. We are racists. But what are we racist against?

Let's be clear. Sure. I want to know what – I just want to know who he is, but I feel like it would be rude to ask him. Yeah. And also I'm worried that it involves a sad story about a war that I'm not familiar with. Sure, yeah. In a – anyway. The 30 Years War?

Yeah, that's the one. He was in the 30 Years War. The French and Indian War. Yeah. He's like Eastern European, right? I mean that's what it seems like to me. He's like Hungarian or Yugoslavian in some way. because I recently moved and have had to deal with exclusively this type of guy who indeterminate accent and maybe says something questionably violent to you in passing. Yeah, they –

You're talking about apartment owners. I am talking about apartment owners. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what it is about apartments or maybe it's just the like financial level that I'm at. It's like the level of apartment that I've been looking at that attracts these guys. Jesse, tell me about shopping for a house. Do you like there's the stereotype of the weird landlord. Do you have to deal with that type of guy when buying a house? Well, well, when you're buying a house, you're dealing with real estate agents, which is a whole other operation.

I mean there are a broad variety of weird kinds of real estate agents. But I know that when we rented – we lived in a house that we rented and the guy who was the owner of that house who we were renting from, he was the kind of guy who had enormous hands. Strangling hands. Yeah, hands he had just strangling hands big enormous strangling hands and went to the universe was a got a lot of things in the mail addressed to him about university of texas longhorns football and so he was he's i his work was something related to real estate development. And he was a real Willie Loman type, I would say. Just a huge man with huge hands. I don't know who Willie Loman is. The main character from Death of a Salesman.

Oh, okay. Classic, the crushed by the American dream. Sure. Yeah, now he wasn't as sad. He was at least put on a front of not being as sad as Willie Loman. But actually, having met- Between Willie Loman and Jack Lemmon's character

from Glengarry Glendross. Yeah, having met his sort of weirdly sad seeming blonde European wife, maybe he was a sad man. He definitely got weirdly aggro with us several times. This was your real estate agent? No, this was the person we rented our house from when we were renting a house. Okay. But I got to tell you, I mean, the landlord of my previous two apartments um one in silver lake was the people

who lived uh above us uh very nice sort of 60-ish korean couple whose kids would come and stay sometimes they went to ucla super nice fucking great landlords really super nice and our um our apartment building in koreatown when we lived in Koreatown, was great too. I mean, the tenants were a mixed bag, as has been discussed on this program. There was some weird shady shit going on in the building, but the apartment manager was a real good guy. Yeah. One of the weirder things that happened to me while I was looking was this guy – I had kind of just been calling random places. Like I got a subscription to Westside Rentals, which is this apartment rentals website, and I was just looking on Craigslist and like looking at every possible way. Oh, I think it's the reason I had to move is that my apartment building was bought by a property management company. And then we all got notices saying you have five months to move out.

So this was kind of a forced move out situation. It was. Yeah. I mean, I think, again, has been discussed on my on the program. But yeah, my other land wars were shady dudes. Definitely, definitely white guys. But so ethnicity determined. But like I'm like this but like acidy deadheads.

Oh, really? Like post-deadheads. Yeah, like guys who – whose brains were a little fried. Shady landlord knows no color. Right. Absolutely. It happens. When you were saying shady, I would not have pictured deadheads though. That's really funny.

Yeah. Amen. That's a guess. A lot of pictured deadheads though. That's really funny. Yeah. And you know, that's a guess. I guess the archetypal story about them is this guy's dad would come over and fix the problems that we had.

Like if there was a problem, his dad would come over and fix it. Who was this kind of weird old guy. Probably in his whole life, yeah. And there was something where my refrigerator broke. And I called my landlord and I said like my refrigerator's broken and he called back and said uh yeah I don't think my dad can come out and fix it because he had a fishing opportunity this weekend fishing opportunity you don't want to let those fishing opportunities go by can I say can I say a theory that I have? You may. About this situation. So I think I was lucky enough in my two previous abodes in Los Angeles, I had one where we were renting from the people we shared the building with.

And I think while that has the potential to be very bad, often I think that will be good because you have a strong incentive to maintain a good relationship and the person owns the property and lives there so they have a lot of incentive to take care of it. The other situation, I lived in a pretty big apartment building. So I'm going to guess there was at least 30 units, maybe 40 units in this big- Very fine units? 19, yes. 1920s style apartment building, you know, a 1920s style, from the 1920s apartment building. And I think that where you're getting into trouble, I've been to some of your apartments, Jordan.

I think part of the problem might be an eight unit complex is a complex where they're not making so much money that someone can really be paid to be a professional. Sure. Yeah. But also- They have to have a lot of other jobs that involve- Yes.

Tie-dye t-shirts. Right. Yeah, sure. Selling bananas at the chill-out tent. Electronics repair. Yeah, electronics repair. There's running a Brazilian goods store. Sure, for instance.

So you're often, I think, dealing with one of two things. In that size of building, you're dealing with somebody who just lives there and just gets free rent. Sure. And doesn't get paid. Or B, you're living with someone who has made some bad choices in their life. Sure. But they made one good choice, and that is when they came into some money, they're like, I'm going to buy an apartment building.

One building. Yeah, yeah. And so they can't afford to make changes. Their only business dealings are questionable ones. Sure. But they got that right. Right. Anytime something breaks, it sucks for them.

Right. Yeah. Got that right. Right. Anytime something breaks, it sucks for them. Right. I know like my mom's landlord is this sort of now, I guess he's probably 55 years old, like old San Francisco Irish guy. His mom owns several buildings. And this guy just, you can just see the failure written across this man's face.

You can just see the failure written across this man's face. Yeah. It seems like maybe a lot of landlords are the failed children of successful people who, like, you know, bombed out and burned out. And their parents get, like, here, I'll let you manage this building. When Ricky Henderson got the millions, he bought apartment buildings in Oakland. And I'm sure Ricky Henderson Jr. Is a real washout. Is a real failure. One day inherit those apartment buildings and just sit outside of his apartment in a

folding chair and creep out the women that live in his apartment building. Oh, God. Dare to dream, you know? So I was looking around, and this one guy I called. So I called the place, leave a message. It's mostly voicemail boxes that are full. Right. A lot of full voicemail boxes attached to what I'm guessing are flip phones.

Yes. It just has a flip phony sound to it. So I called this one guy and left a message. And then two hours later I get a back, and it's this voice. He's calling. He's talking. Hello. This is Vincent Price calling for Jordan.

I was going to say, I forget the actor's name, but the little creepy guy from Casablanca. Sure. Yeah, sure. This guy. Yes, Rick, you despise me. Like that weird voice. And he calls, and he's like, yes, would you call me back on your phone? I don't have a long distance plan.

So I'm like, sure. So we hang up and I call this guy and he's like, yes, thank you for calling me back. I don't have a long distance plan. I don't go in for those bells and whistles. Oh, my God. Who is this person? I don't know. Yeah.

Like, how do you function? Like I feel like I get mad on TV when a character doesn't have a smartphone. Like how does someone who lives in a big city and has a job like not- Especially if you're managing an apartment building. When we tried, at one point when we got tired of having our neighbor whose dog pooped in the hallway all the time, we decided to move from our first apartment in Los Angeles in this building in Koreatown. And we looked at lots of apartments

and ended up moving into a different apartment in the same building because we really loved Koreatown. And we looked at all these apartments in Koreatown. And I think I just couldn't believe some of the apartments that people showed me. Like I remember going into – and these are in these sort of – Koreatown in Los Angeles was one of the first parts of L.A. to be central L.A. And so there are a lot of big, beautiful buildings from the teens, 20s and 30s. That are just trash now.

And many of them are just trash. Yeah, but it's such a toss-up, too. It's like you go in some and you're like, this is a palace. It's incredible. A movie star probably lived here in the 20s. Yes. But yeah, then some are just like, oh, a weird dump that looks like it could be a set on Breaking Bad. Yeah, seriously.

I looked at an apartment just before we bought our house down the street street and it was a fucking amazing apartment. I couldn't believe it. I posted something about it on Twitter about how amazing it was and how it had these round porthole wall safes. And Gillian Jacobs from Community sent me an email. She's like, hey, I think you were looking at an apartment in my building. They literally do live in these buildings. Actual movie stars. So I looked in an apartment at one point and it brought me in and it was a beautiful building. I mean, just a gorgeous 30s building. I walk in to this apartment. There are holes in the concrete floor

and there is, I'm not shitting you about this, graffiti on the walls. Gray paint graffiti on the walls. Like spray paint graffiti on the walls. It was like hobo code. If the building has- It says no fuck walls. This is my fucking wall.

If the room is going to be for rent, right? Yeah. Paint the wall. That is a $50 repair. That's not a- Tops. Yeah. That's if you hire someone to paint over it.

When I was looking for apartments, I don't know, I guess a year ago when I got my new place, I looked at a place that was listed as one and a half bathrooms and the half bathroom- Was a bucket. Yeah. And it was just a bathroom, the whole place. You live in a giant bathroom. Yeah. So now I live in a bathroom. Both bedrooms are in the tub. And yeah, no, one of the bathrooms, the toilet didn't fit. It didn't fit in the bathroom. Oh no. To close the door, well,

you just couldn't do that because the bathroom stuck. Well, who doesn't love to shit with the door open? I certainly do. Yeah. It's like a game. Where do you live? Am I going to have a girlfriend tomorrow? So where do you live now? I live in Silver Lake. Okay. It's funny when you were talking about the like, yeah, I have sort of an ambiguously Eastern European, like possibly dangerous landlord, you know, who's like, where is rent?

And I'm like, oh, it's coming. I didn't know. Liam Neeson is after me. Thinks I took his daughter. Very complicated. Okay. That's a little too much. I feel like I'm afraid of all landlords, especially since I listened to that one, This American

Life about the superintendent who was like a mass murderer. Well, yeah. And did you, have you heard, like, I feel like every two or three months something insane happens at the whatever hotel downtown, Alexandria. Oh, I hadn't heard this. Is it like an SRO? Is it like a single room? Yeah, it's like rent by the hour type place to some of the rooms. They found literally a dead body in the water pipes.

Oh, no. In the water pipes? Yeah, in like whatever, the water thing. There was a dead body in the water pipes. Oh, no. In the water pipes? Yeah, and like whatever, the water thing. There was a dead body. I blame the building superintendent. Sure. And by building superintendent, I mean for the city of Los Angeles. There are a series of people to be blamed.

They need to put no bodies in the water pipes in that code. Call me. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned. They should have at least gotten a B for that. Yeah, that's – yeah. Take them down a peg. Yeah, when you drive by one of those little hot dog stands that has the B on it. That means there's a dead body in the hot dog water.

Yeah, right, yeah. That's how they get their flavor. That's how you make literally any hot dog. Right. You just got to soak it in dead body water. What else did you encounter on your – Oh, yeah. So this little guy with this voice and I know it's changing.

So he doesn't have a long-distance plan. He doesn't go in for those bells and whistles. I'm like, okay, well, is there a time I can come see the place? He's like, yes, well, let me know the next time you're in the neighborhood, I should let you know now that I do charge a $5 fee for my time and for answering your questions. What? Wow. Does he not want to rent this apartment? That was my thing.

I just said, no, thank you. The idea of handing this little guy $5, and I don't know. He could have been a huge man. I'd like to imagine that he's enormous. Yes. Yes. And I talk like know. He could have been a huge man. I'd like to imagine that he's enormous. Yes. Yes. And I talk like this. Yeah.

I'm imagining he looks exactly like Wanda Sykes. Sure. Yeah. Which is well-dressed. He has an all-white suit on. Wearing a Crank Yankers t-shirt. Yeah. He has a Crank Yankers t-shirt under a white tuxedo.

So, yeah. So the thought of giving this guy $5 was so creepy to me. Like I was used to dealing with creeps because I had been doing it for, you know, the weeks I had been looking for an apartment. But this was like the line. Like I don't know. For some reason, this was too much. Yeah, $5 too much. Right.

Yeah, exactly. Why are you charging me? And just the act of handing. I don't know. The act of handing. It feels dirty. It feels weird. Here's $5. Will much. Right. Yeah, exactly. Why are you charging me? And just the act of handing. I don't know. It feels dirty. It feels weird. Here's five bucks. Will you answer my questions?

Answer my questions. Not just about the apartment, but about anything. You want to know who really controls the banking industry? No, no. Can I tell you a secret? I do have a long distance plan. Right, exactly. In my undies.

And now I have $5 as well. Finally, I can call. But no, I did find a very nice place, a nice building from the 20s that someone has kept up, God forbid. The kind of cool old-fashioned thing is there's a little clasp in the wall by the stove, and a wooden ironing board comes out, which has a separate ironing board for the sleeves. You imagine like a 50s housewife soaking her feet, cooking a roast, and doing a little bit of ironing. I have the exact same thing at my house. Do you have a wooden ironing board? Yeah, it's really cool.

So, yeah, it's definitely the good version of the kind of old time building. So yeah, I'm really happy with it. Do not know where my landlord is from, but he has a very sweet, indeterminate accent. Azerbaijan. Seems pretty normal. I think I had the – he was kind of like grilling me when I got the apartment and he asked me if I had any pets and I said – and he's kind of been humorless up to this point. He's kind of just been like looking me up and down. I get the impression that when a young guy goes looking for an apartment in Hollywood, like everybody kind of thinks deadbeat automatically and like really kind of grills you to find out whether or not you're an actual deadbeat. Oh, interesting. So yeah. So that's kind of the vibe I got from him.

It was like really? I guess that makes sense. Yeah. Hollywood just sucks. Hollywood's a real shithole. I was just thinking that driving through Hollywood the other day. It's awful. I was like, what are all these people doing here?

Get out of here. Oh, this is where Hollywood the other day. It's awful. I was like, what are all these people doing here? Get out of here. Oh, this is where all the pizza is. That's what I always think when I'm in Hollywood. So yeah. So yeah. So it took him a while to warm to me and I think this is the thing that did it. He's like, well, do you have any pets? And I'm like, I do have

a cat. He's like, oh, we like kitty cats here. A lot of our tenants have cats. And I'm like, oh yeah,, well, great. If I move in, we'll just have a cat party. And he started to laugh. And I'm like, ah, I got it. I got this apartment. Oh, man. One time, the best landlord I ever had, when Teresa and I moved in together in San Francisco, we lived in the Western Edition, between the Fillmore and Hayes Valley. And we lived in this apartment Valley. And we lived in this apartment building and the reason

we could afford it is because it was directly across the street from this very dangerous projects. Where there were, there was at one point, it seemed fine

for a while and then there was a murder string where like, I think it was like 14 people got murdered within like murdered and then did a hot dog store open up six blocks they needed some bodies to marinate it was crazy somebody like at one point there was literally like uh four block four cops on every block just standing

there because there had been so many murders they like to get them to stop get everyone to stop murdering stop murdering everyone so anyway uh but it was a really great apartment building managed by a guy named lefty uh no who was who was just the funniest weirdest man you could ever hope to meet uh shaved bald head um sort of a i don't know like i feel like I never meet this kind of middle-aged gay man in Los Angeles. But just a sort of – a man who was very strange, very neat and rode like a folding bicycle and also maybe had a glass eye or something. There was something else weird about him. Something disconcerting about Lefty. But the owner was this woman named Harriet.

And it was like living in a dream. She loved me and Teresa. Harriet loved me and Teresa. Harriet lived somewhere an hour away. But she would drive in once a week in her Volvo. She had an old Volvo. And she said – I remember when we moved in, she said, so do you have bicycles? And I said, and we said, yes, we do.

And I said, you know, we have one car. I usually commute on bike. And she said, oh, that's wonderful. We don't need any more cars in this world. And she had built like a place to keep your bicycles into the house. Oh, God, I loved Harriet. If I could bring Harriet with me. And her husband, Bob, was very nice as well.

Bob sounds great. Don't get me wrong. Harriet has to be married to Bob. Also drive a Volvo. Yes. But I was, it was just such a delight. And in San Francisco, as I was, Harriet is Japanese. Oh, of course.

And it was just gorgeous. It was just the most wonderful. It was so tremendous. And it ruined me for landlords forever. Like I had other good landlords, but we had had this string of good landlords that when we had an asshole landlord, I didn't know what to do. I thought asshole landlords were a myth. Now, where did you finally land, Dave? I live in Silver Lake near Rampart and Sunset.

OK. The place that I lived before that – and my landlord is fine. I actually – I think it's insane that you've had a string of great landlords. I've had fairly nice people. I made my pregnant wife cry several times. Oh. That was the big meat-handed one. Sure.

Sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, just the hands alone will probably do it. Yeah. Sure. I'm scared of big hands is what I'm saying. Sure.

Why wouldn't you be? Slap you down quick as a look at you. Yeah. There's a big dick under there, too, if I'm- Yeah. Yeah. If you listen to the kids, what they say. Big ham dog.

I do. The hands and – yeah. If your dick's big, then your feet or whatever. Big hammy schvanz. The place that I live before the place I live now, I had a very sort of well-to-do landlord. I think he was a dentist and he was just a dick. He wasn't mean to me, but I got bed, and he was like, well, you know, good luck. And I was like, oh, cool. Thanks for not helping.

Maybe put some fluoride on there. All right, dentist. You should be flossing more. You brought this on yourself. Too much taffy. That's your problem. Yeah, he was a wacky dentist. Sure.

Steve Martin's character from Little Shop of Horrors. You should switch to aspartame. Yeah. Right, exactly. He didn't kill the bedbugs, but he put little braces on all of them. He did. I know that's an orthodontist. Bedbugs look adorable.

Is it possible he was huffing? It is possible that he was huffing. I never once met him. It's possible he didn't exist. It's possible he was a voicemail. I had to call the people that come to your house and inspect your house. I had to call the house inspectors. Oh, because?

Because my landlord wouldn't fix shit. The big-handed landlord? Yeah. Our ceiling was leaking and he wouldn't do anything about it. We called the fucking

housing department and had the housing department guy come and he's like, yeah, this is fucked, this is fucked, this is fucked, this is fucked,

this is fucked. It's a profane building inspector. Needless to say, that did not improve our relationship with our landlord. But it did get the stuff fixed. You don't live there anymore. No, thank God. But I do live next door, unfortunately.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. So he can glare at you while he's raking leaves. Yeah. He definitely does his own raking, Jordan. Yeah, right. Sure. Yeah.

You got those big hands. You're good at it. Yeah, I moved pretty close to my old house and felt a little bit bad about it. I'm like, oh, this is my, you know. You felt bad about it. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm not being adventurous enough.

Maybe I'm not going outside my comfort zone. I was surprised that you were looking at places on the east side of Los Angeles or the eastern part of Los Angeles. Sure. Because I want to be close the eastern part of Los Angeles. Sure. Because I want to be close to all my precious gay bars. Sure. Sure. Are you a gay bar guy? I love them.

Really? No, I'm not really. I mean, I do enjoy a gay bar. I will say that I do have, I think every self-respecting straight guy should have a favorite gay bar. I have a favorite gay bar. Wait, what is it? I hate most gay bars. Ackbar. I love Ackbar. I love Ackbar.

Oh, Ackbar's great. Yeah, I like the Gold Coast. I don't know the Gold Coast. Gold Coast is, yeah, it's on Santa Monica. I guess in fairness, I think Ackbar's the only gay bar I've been to. I've been to a bunch of gay clubs and hated it. I just hate it. It costs, like every time I've been to one, it costs 15 bucks.

Sure. And the drinks were too much. And there were naked dudes. And that's fine. But I was just like nothing is here. Nothing. This isn't for me at all. Sure.

Yeah. I think I think. Right. I think when you say, you know, it's like, no, no, I'm not homophobic. I just hate loud club music. Yes. That's totally what it is. Which I think maybe makes you a little bit homophobic, I guess.

But, you know, I was. No, the Gold Coast is great. Every every fifth song is a misfit song. So,obic, I guess. But, you know, I was. No, the Gold Coast is great. Every fifth song is a misfit song. So, yeah. I went to the burger stand that you often tell me about in your neighborhood where the lady who makes your burger or who serves you your burger draws a little picture of you on the plate. Oh, yeah. Irvs.

I have to say, it delivered. Irvs is great. Oh, yeah, definitely. Wait, they draw a – wait, what? Okay, so it's a nice – there's a nice sort of middle-aged lady who takes your order and just is the smiliest woman you could ever hope to speak to and order a hamburger from. and when she gives you your burger on the plate, she serves it on a paper plate, she's drawn a little picture on it with her thing, and she says, she writes a little message on there.

One time I was there with my buddy, and he paid, and the picture of me was saying, thanks for the burger, sugar daddy. Yeah, yeah, no, that's Irv's on Santa Monica. It's always in danger of closing. I feel like I always see these like, save Irv's, last month of Irv's, and I think it's just a ploy to get a line around the block. Weird. But yeah, they're great.

Go there if you get a chance. Okay. Anyway, I just wanted to say something nice. And, you know, plus I can get all my Russian religious paraphernalia whenever I need it. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Is that what happens at Earth's? So there's two big advantages.

No, that's just a cool advantage to Jordan's neighborhood. Oh, yes. You get easy access to gay bars and Russian religious paraphernalia. So I'm a little bit too far away from all that stuff to make it like a regular walk-in spot now. Right now, the ad for my apartment said Beverly Hills Adjacent. So that's where I like to say that I live. I like to say I'm Beverly Hills adjacent. Well, I'm Beverly Hills adjacent then.

Sure. I'm going to start saying that. Who doesn't want to live in Beverly Hills? Oh, I mean – You know what I mean? Well, I mean it's like an aspirational thing. It's like to me I'm like, hey, if I work a little bit harder, if I start blowing somebody who works for Brett Ratner. I mean, to be fair.

That's what I do. If you go east from Beverly Hills, the next city is Los Angeles. Sure. So technically it is adjacent to Beverly Hills. Good Lord, I hate that place. Beverly Hills. Yeah, I can't. I mean, there are like crazy things there.

There's a Maserati dealership. Oh, yeah. I just sort of thought they like flew that to you in a helicopter or whatever. Right. But then also I went through – I drove through Brentwood for the first time in my life recently. I'd never been there and I rolled over a – sounds like I'm going to say a person. I rolled through a crosswalk. And, like, have you been to Brentwood? It's so nice. It's – like, the Rite Aid is, like, the Rite Aid sign. They have go-go dancers in the Rite Aid. Yeah, exactly.

It's 15 bucks to go into the Rite Aid. Sure, yeah. It's like a weird Disneyland version of a fancy suburb. It totally is. It's basically like downtown Disney there. Yeah. Well, because lots of, I mean, among other things, one of the most popular architecture styles here in Los Angeles is called Storybook, which is just this weird thing where in, I guess, I don't know, 20s through the 50s,

they would just build houses that looked like sort of like Hansel and Gretel's house. Hansel and Gretel or like Tudory, like vaguely Tudory. Well, that's true. That is what it feels like up there. And they're sort of canopied by trees. And then they have these really restrictive-

There's a gingerbread house. Guys, do not eat the gingerbread house. There is a witch there who will give you shit for it. Yeah, you know, it's funny. It's funny that you mention living here but not having to go to Beverly Hills. It's like, you know, LA is pretty divided. It's like there's the cool parts and then there's the lame parts.

And, you know, it's kind of spread out and it's like, well, even if you live in the cool part, you might have to go for a job interview in the lame part. Or, you know, you're meeting somebody who lives in the lame part or something like that. And it's like, eh, you know, you don't have to go there but sometimes you're forced to. But it's like Beverly Hills or Brentwood. It's like, oh, I've never had a – like that's never been on my radar. I guess I've driven by it but that's the place. No companies are there. It would never work.

You know what? Yeah, exactly. I end up in those places for two reasons. One is an estate sale. So I'll go to an estate sale. It'll be in Brentwood. In fact, I thought about going to literally an estate sale in Brentwood today. Instead of doing this.

Instead of doing this. I was going to just be like, fuck it, guys. You know what I mean? I'm out of here. And they are selling three tons of gingerbread. The other thing. Someone pushed the witch into an oven. The other thing is. Two kids. into an oven. The other thing is...

Two kids. Yeah, they're on the lam. A grandma passed, and it was only then that they found out her terrible secret. She was wolf. Oh, okay. And she kept her body in the water.

That's hot dog grandma you're talking about, right? Yeah, yeah, hot dog grandma. Hotdoggrandma.com. The other reason is... Is that our website? That's... It's my website. Oh, dot com. The other reason is – is that our website? That's – it's my website. Oh, gotcha.

The other reason is, you know, for Bullseye, I often have to go to film screenings. Apparently, all of Los Angeles' film critics live in Beverly Hills because that's the only place where they have fucking film screenings. Oh, sure. It'll be at some weird office. Just in some – yeah. Just a weird theater and a weird office. Really? The good kind has red vines.

There's a good one. That's the one with red vines. As many red vines as you want. Or those little tiny Mr. Good bars. Yeah, but I can't have those little tiny Mr. Good bars. Are you anti-chocolate? The other, I can't eat chocolates. It's a migraine trigger.

He's anti-gay and he considers Mr. Goodbar super gay. He thinks it's gay code. Why does it got to be Mr.? The other one – The other one is those fruity Tootsie Rolls. Oh, okay. You don't like those? Big fan.

It's a weird candy. Okay. I don't trust it. I think I'm probably unique in liking those, but I'll eat them all day. I like them. I kind of like them, but I don't trust them. They creep you out. I always feel weird when I'm eating them.

You are anti-gay. If you were going to poison a candy, it would be that. That's true. I do like the taste of them. In fact, now that you mention it, I actually like everything about them except that something about them I don't trust. I guess they do seem sort of like from another world. It seems like is this – what did you do to the Tootsie Rolls? Yeah.

It seems like it's just – it's a brand extension that no one wanted. It just – they needed something else to constitute a variety pack. Where do you even get them? Do you get them at a – Halloween. Yeah. You just stock up. Or this one screening room. Yeah, sure.

Right. That's bizarre. Where are these screening rooms? Are they just like in like street malls with no signs? They're in just weird office buildings. I swear to God, I go to more movies in office buildings than I do in movie theaters because my life as a man with a two-year-old child and a

pregnant wife includes almost no going to movie theaters. That sentence almost didn't make sense to me. I probably pulled it together at the end. But I have to regularly go to a movie in a weird office building. That's so crazy. They're usually pretty comfy. Comfy chairs? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

It's a shitty theater, but it's pretty comfortable. Sounds bad, comfy chairs. Good temp. Small screen. Good temp. That is a nice temp. I have no complaints about the temp. I'm just saying.

Would it kill you to have one of them in Pasadena? Yeah, with their movie theater? It takes me an hour to drive to Beverly Hills. Not as a hyperbole. From my house, it takes an hour, sometimes more. Yeah. That's my main problem with Hollywood. I think we could – is there a way to just take the Hollywood part of L.A.?

And I don't mean in the grand sense. So you wanted to round them up. Round them up. Like pop stars. Like pop stars. Yeah, sure. Put them in concentration camps. Yeah, yeah.

And then mass murder them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Put them in concentration camps. Yeah, yeah. And then mass murder them. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's problem solved. Dave, do you own a stereo repair store? Yes, I do. Yeah. I mean, I don't.

There is a question that has been killing me. What country are you from? Ross, what is that? Such an ambiguous name. Can we go to a break? Yeah. But, you know, I'll say this. I'm from Kenya.

I'll say this. Can we go to a break? Yeah. But, you know, I'll say this. I'm from Kenya. I'll say this. I feel like the shitty eyesore places of a city make you appreciate the good places a lot more. Oh, good.

I'm sure glad I don't live by that. Yeah, that terrible pizza place in that store that only sells stripper clothes. Dude, I moved out of my last apartment because there's a comedian named Mike Burns. You know him? Sure. I imagine. Yep. He, you know, just sitting in his car with his girlfriend got stabbed on my street. Oh, no.

He just got stabbed twice on my street. Moldova? I'm from Moldova. Are you looking up the origin of Dave's last name? No, I'm just taking a few guesses. Oh, okay. As to where the American TV repair gentleman... Malta?

What about Malta? Moldova seems... because he sounds like the villain from Ghostbusters 2. And that's where that guy was from, right? Slovenia? No, he was from Ally McBeal. Oh. Okay. Do you think he could be a Cypriot? He could be a Cypriot.

He's from Cyprus? You think he's from Turkish Cyprusot? He could be a Cypriot. He's from Cyprus? You think he's from Turkish Cyprus? Jesse, there's no need to use slurs. It's probably just Welsh. Probably just Welsh. My best guess is that he's Welsh. He could just be from Alabama, right? That's a good point. Yeah.

He could be a Bammer. Yeah. Roll Tide, you know? Yeah. Ask him who has the best barbecue. Hook him horns. Am I right? Yeah.

Ask him if he likes his barbecue. Hook'em Horns, am I right? Yeah. Does he like... Ask him if he likes his barbecue with a sauce or a dry rub. And then he totally loses the accent. Yeah. Dry rub. Dry rub. Oh, easy, easy. Anyway.

Yes. More knobs. More... Violence. FM. A3. AM. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go.

Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dave Ross, American TV repairman. Hey, Jesse, we got a Jumbotron message this week. Oh, I'd love to hear about it. Well, okay.

Our Jumbotron this week is from Local Legends. Well, okay. Our Jumbotron this week is from Local Legends. It's a black and white Woody Allen style comedy about a small time entertainer in Manchester, New Hampshire. Written and directed by prolific songwriter Matt Farley, who has released 13,000 songs. Seems like too many. or rancid? This movie chronicles the adventures of a creative person working far from New York or L.A. Watch the movie Local Legends at the Monturn Media YouTube channel. You can go to youtube.com slash Monturn Media. That's M-O-N-T-E-R-N M-E-D-I-A

all one word. Hey, as we record this, we are preparing to take an international flight to the great nation of Europe and do shows amongst the people of that great nation. From Slovenia to Andorra

to who knows what. We should get that guy. He'll show us around. Sure. Maybe. Who knows? Oh, he's lived in France, I guess. He did live in France for two years. Who knows where this guy's lived? I like this guy. This is my guy. Okay, here's lived in France, I guess. He did live in France for two years. Who knows where this guy's lived? I like this guy. This is my guy.

Okay, here's the deal. We are at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, August 22nd at the Pleasance Theatre. August 22nd at the Pleasance Theatre. So if you're going to be at Edinburgh then, come see us, along with our friend Graham Clark from the hit podcast Stop Podcasting Yourself. Matt Riccardo, variety artist extraordinaire who's going to do an amazing trick for us. And the beautiful and hilarious Ms. Tig Notaro. Sounds like a real powerhouse lineup. Yeah, I just spoke to Tig Notaro.

She's in. Great. Tig is in. One of the funniest people around. Okay. That's number one. Number two, London, England. Have you heard of this place, Dave?

No. They got these policemen. You're not going to believe them. Anyway. With the hats. Now I know this place. We're doing Jordan, Jesse, go. We should have mentioned the hats first.

Yeah. We're doing Jordan, Jesse, go in International Waters August 25th at the Phoenix. And Jordan is going to be hosting International Waters this time around. You thought we'd change things up. What? I don't know this. I don't know this thing. This is our comedy culture, pop culture quiz in which a team of two Americans, one of whom is going to be me, one of whom is going to be someone else, will take on a team of two Englanders or Britoners.

Yeah. Or in some cases, United Kingdom Englanders or Britoners. Yeah. Or in some cases, United Kingdomers or occasionally Commonwealthers. Sure. It gets complicated over there. Scots, Canadians, Canies. Once in a while. Well, last time we did it, last time we have done it Canada versus the United States before. We did it.

We had two Americans last time. Sure. Against two Britons. Or was it one Briton and one Welsh? Hard to say. Can't remember. We had two Americans last time. Sure. Against two Britons. Or was it one Briton and one Welsh? Hard to say. Can't remember. They all look the same. They do. They really do. Their close said eyes. What?

So anyway, August 25th. I'm making up racisms. August 25th at the Phoenix in London. Please buy your tickets now and come out. We're flying six or 7,000 miles to come be with you guys. We're really looking forward to it. The least you can do is come hang out.

I just thought of a bit that we're going to do on the show, by the way. Fun facts about castles. Oh, great. So you can look forward to that, guys. There are lots of castles out there. It is just the TV show Castle, though. Oh, okay. Anyway, if you want to get up on the Jumbotron.

Would you describe the romantic tension as will they, won't they? I like that you guys refer to episodes of Castle as castles. Yeah, all right. Hey, dude, what's your favorite castle? Dude, I caught like six castles this weekend. Fucking binge watched them. Made it rain castles, man. If you want to get on the Jumbotron,

that's you doing like this to castle DVDs. Slash Jumbotron. On to strippers. They love it. And if you want to sponsor any of our shows here at MaximumFun.org, for you or your business, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne,

America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dave Ross, American TV repairman. There you go. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Nice. Jordan. Jesse. I want to say one thing, which is that people should go to MaximumFun.org slash 1000cones with the numbers so that they can see our sweet new 1000cones video.

That sounds like a great way to spend a couple minutes. It is fucking tremendous, and don't just watch it. Share it on your Facebook. Share it on your fucking Twitter. Send it to your favorite fucking bloggers. Send it to your congressman. Absolutely send it to your congressman. Send it to your senator.

Not just a House representative. Yeah, fuck those guys. Let's run this thing up the ladder. And women. Yeah. Fuck them too. 1992, year of the woman. Right? Sure. In Congress? Well, too. 1992, year of the woman. Right?

Sure. In Congress? Well, I think that's referring to Murphy Brown. That's when Murphy Brown was really good. Shit, send it to Candace Bergen. See what she has to say. Send it to her father, Edgar Bergen, the famous mannequin guy. What is that called?

Ventriloquist. Mannequin guy. Yes, ventriloquist. Ventriloquist. Thenequin guy. Yes, ventriloquist. Ventriloquist. The legendary. Eldon the painter. Legendary mannequin fucker. Oh, yeah.

I don't know what this. Send it to Jody from today's special. A show about a mannequin that comes to life at nighttime in a department store. Dave, what don't you know? Sorry, Dave. Well, I don't know. It's fine. I don't know some of these references.

But I don't know what the video is you're talking about. It just sort of seems like you're just telling people to fuck each other. And I'm a big advocate of that. Yeah, to be fair, we love it when people fuck each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It keeps things going, creates new listeners. I'm thinking about creating a bus just for that. Fuck bus?

Yeah, or bang bus. I don't know. The fuck bus, right? No, fuck bus is better. We'll be the fuck bros. Yeah, I like it. I like it. Bone bus.

Bone bus. We'll be the reality emperors, you and me. Jordan, if you call it a, can I suggest something? Sure. If you call it a bone bus, you could kill people. Just have paleontologists inside. Totally. All these guys get on.

That's exactly. All these fucking bros get on. They're like, yeah. Aw. Dinos all day, dick all night. It'll be like this. Yeah. Aw.

Yeah. Once they realize how cool dinosaurs are. Yeah, sure. Well, I'm not fucking, but. Dude, the bone bus. Yeah. They were hoping to see some tittays, but at the very least, they got to see an anklodon. Anklosaurus?

Anklosaurus. Yeah. Thank you. I think you confused glyptodon and anklosaurus, which are two similar looking animals. You know what? They both have armor plates, but one's a mammal and one's a reptile. Okay. Here we go.

I will explain it to you, Dave. Sure. We crowdfunded 1,000 ice cream cones, the purchase price of 1,000 ice cream cones, and enough money for us to make a little movie of us giving away 1,000 ice cream cones. We went to Denver and made a really, really cool – you guys will really like it. I think it's probably the most proud I've ever been of a video product that we've made. I think it really came out great. Did you give them all to the same person or

was it to different people? We did one fatso. One super fat guy. Oh man, he must have been super happy. Yeah, he was. It was Kobayashi, the famous hot dog eater. So, anyway. He dunked them in water before he ate them. Go to MaximumFun.org.

Go to MaximumFun.org slash 1000 cones or find it on Facebook on our Facebook page. Just search for Jordan Jesse Go and share that shit because that's a fucking priority. Sorry. I feel like I derailed the whole show. But it comes out this week and I just want people to do that. And also we're going to have to take a week off because we're going to be in England. So I just want people to know that. That's a fun thing to do.

But spend that extra week watching our 1,000 Cones video over and over. I'm just saying. We got those calls lined up, Brian. Let's take our first momentous occasion call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I am calling with a momentous occasion. I work in retail, and because of that, I see a lot of kids throw tantrums when their mom or dad won't buy them something. I saw one the other day, and it turned out to be something incredible. A little girl,

like nine years old, was throwing a tantrum because her mom wouldn't buy her a 9-volt battery. And then something weird happened. After all the screaming and crying and whining and tears, it was clear her mom was not going to buy her this battery. Her demeanor just totally changes. She looks at her mom and says, When I get my battery, I'll show you. I'll show everyone.

Thanks, guys. Immortal Power, plug it in. Wow. Yeah. Wow. This is a burgeoning supervillain. Yeah, I know, right? I like that he said he works in retail, so he gets to see a lot of these temper tantrums.

Then it's about a 9-volt battery. Like, he could... I've only worked in retail at a Macy's before. And when I worked at Macy's, I didn't see a lot of tantrums. But I guess these tantrums are happening across the retail industry. You'd think they'd be focused on toy stores and maybe grocery stores. But I guess if you're at the Pottery Barn, you never know. I want that settee. Our house needs more wicker, says the little kid.

Maybe this guy works at a 9-volt battery store. Sure. Mom, they're everywhere. Just give me one. Why did we come in here? We're just here to look. We're just here to look. We come here every week, Mom.

When I get my 9-volt battery, I'll show you. I'll show them all. I just want to lick something to impress my friends. That's got to be the reason, right? Yeah, get my 9-volt battery, I'll show you. I'll show them all. I just want to lick something to impress my friends. That's got to be the reason, right? Yeah, she wants to do the... Well, maybe the kid's just looking to create a disaster preparedness kit. That's what I think it is. I think it's about the fire alarm. Yeah, so the kid wants

a 9-volt battery, some little Vienna sausages, and one of those electric blankets where you have to break the chemical thing to warm it up. Yeah. Lots of toilet paper. Sure.

Yeah. Flashlight. Yeah. You know, the kid's just into being ready, you know? Seismograph. Seems like if the kid wants a 9-volt battery, then there's something probably really, really awesome that that 9-volt battery goes in, right? Yeah. Like, I don't know.

I'm going to side with the kid is what I'm saying. Yeah, butthole. Yeah, and your butt.. Pokemon? I'm going to side with the kid, is what I'm saying. Yeah, butthole. Yeah, and your butt. Totally. The kid's supposed to shove it up his butt. Wow, talk about stimulating your prostate. Yeah. Give it a little jolt.

We hear Jordan and Jesse go, I want everyone to fuck each other. Everyone. Even the kids. Yeah, and if you can't find anybody to fuck, at least shove a 9-volt up your butt. Go to the battery store. Sure, go to the— Nail it your mom, and that'll do it. That'll do it.

Well, we got—how many more calls we got? We got two more calls. Let's run one out, Sonny D. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hello, other person. This is Tomas from Portland. And I was just driving, and I saw some graffiti on a stop sign, and it said non, and then there was a stop sign, and then it said anal.

So, non-stop anal. Stop sign was the best stop sign graffiti I've seen. So, thanks, guys. And maybe next year the motto could be nonstop anal because I like that. Tomas, everybody. Yeah. My new catchphrase in stand-up is going to be, I like that. And then at some point you'll get so famous, you'll be doing...

Non-stop anal. You'll be doing a theater in the round. You have a headset mic like Dane Cook, and you won't even have to say it. You'll just, you know, you'll say one of your punchlines. It's like, and that's when she fucked me. I like that. Totally. And then as the credits roll,

of my first In The Round special, which, by the way, is called Non-Stop Anal. Sure. Because it's all day. It's a 24-hour show. I meet that man as the credits roll down until Moss comes up to me. Is that what you mean when you say In The Round? Anal. Yeah. Right in the round.

Yeah, and then I put it in the round. No condom. Yeah, just like an outside-the-box production of Our Town, you know what I'm saying? Boom! In the round. I want to know, like... I love it when I... Somehow that was too much for me.

Yeah, yeah. I like that. I was... I was... I was with you. For the past 12 years, I've been with you. And somehow I was against. That was too much for me.

That's fair. We found the line. We found the line. We've been friends for a really long time, and you've never lost me that way. Well, is the podcast over? Is this the last episode? I think this is the end of Jordan. We've had a good run.

Hopefully people will remember us. Dave likes it. You want to start a podcast? I'm a big fan. Hopefully people will remember us for the ice cream thing. Sure. Not for that sound effect. Well, I think people couldn't see my finger gesture, too.

Right. That's maybe. Oh, man. People are probably wondering, like, oh, why is he getting so freaked out about this? It was a very... I think it's because we're imagining a 9-volt battery going into someone's ass. But again, let's be clear.

I like that. I like that. Non-stop anal. This is even better if you imagine that pitch man from RoboCop saying all this. The guy who says, I'll buy that for a dollar. Let's take another call before this all goes completely off the rails. You know what? It's off the rails.

This is George from Chicago. I just adopted a beagle puppy and I've been crate training her. The enclosure she has is a wire divider to limit her crate while she's still small. And so while I was gone, she somehow pooped into the empty half of the crate. I believe that's called the prestige. Thanks. The prestige. Wow.

All butt stuff, man. A lot of butt. Well. It's Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah, sure. Yeah. A lot of butt stuff on this show. Yeah.

And it's analogous. Oh, that's true. It's a lot of butt stuff on this show. Yeah. Uh, and it's anal August. So I don't know if you've driven by the pleasure chest on Santa Monica. I'm a big fan of anal Tober. Sure. Yeah. I love that. That's when you can go to the beer garden and get a sausage and a nice,

uh, Jordan, did you see this to put up there? Speaking of anal August, did you see this nice, this nice young woman on Twitter whose name I may be misremembering this maybe named Lauren

was concerned she wasn't going to make it into the viddy JJ go contest by the end of Analogous which is the deadline and she sent a couple still from her and you can see it with the hashtag JJ go on Twitter she sent a couple still from her, and you can see it with the hashtag JJGo on Twitter. She sent a still of an animatic she was making for an animated version of a Jordan Jesse Go clip for the Video JJ Go contest. I think it's going to be great.

That's amazing. Yeah. She said she might not make it in time for Analogous. I say, you know, get some Asian teens to work on it in Asia where they make cartoons. But, you know, I'll take it whenever. If you make something really good, here's the thing. Yeah. I'm a softie.

If you make something really good, I'm a softie. I had an accident in the war. If you make something really good, I'll probably send you some shit in the mail. Like, if it's really good, you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. If it's not just some dumb bullshit. Yeah. If you're going to crochet us a rocket ship, I'm going to send you some crap in the mail.

Just, yeah, guys, get on it. Don't worry about deadlines. I mean, do worry about deadlines. Yeah, you should. If you're going to do a B- job, you should hope that you get it in before the deadline. Just be real with yourself. Think, is this a B- or is this above that? I'll tell you what's an A.

An A is you get your kid brother who looks like he's maybe 12, and you get him to portray one of the characters, and you get your family dog to play my dog in a dramatic reenactment, drunk history style. That's an A. But there's a lot of ways to get to an A. Yeah, try and have the production values of Drunk History too. Justine is this young woman's name, by the way. Sonny T corrected me on this.

Thank you, Justine. Good work. Okay. Anyway. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dave Ross, straight up racist. Really? Just straight up? Yeah. No chaser? That's all I am. You're not one of these ironic comedy racists. No, no. I hate black people. Also... And let's be clear. You're not just making the occasional stereotype.

It's a full-on hatred. I want to round them up. Okay. I can't do that anymore. No. Dave is a sweet guy. I've never seen him say a negative thing about an ethnicity. It's really good.

Yeah. Thank you. And Doran. Thank you, Jordan. Yeah. Well, they're – Sheep fuckers. Sure.

Exactly. A bunch of sheep fuckers. Close that eyes. Close that eyes. You don't like it? Oh! Dor Thank you, Jordan. Yeah. Well, they're – Sheepfuckers. Sure, exactly. A bunch of sheepfuckers. Close that eyes. Close that eyes. You don't like Endorins. Jordan. Can I – I left out a really, really important apartment looking for a story. Okay.

Let's say we'll have one more story and then we'll take this thing home. This is quick. This is very quick. This is very quick. I was looking at this place. It was this giant building downtown. The idea of living downtown is kind of fun to me. It's kind of cool.

It was this giant building downtown. The idea of living downtown is kind of fun to me. It's kind of cool. It's this big building that looks like – on the inside it looked like a boutique hotel. It had like all these fluorescent lights and stuff like that. So, you know – Wait. Hold on. Yeah.

You're describing a CVS. Yeah, I know. It was the midpoint between boutique hotel and CVS. Okay, great. And all these like purple lights and, you know, it's just the tackiest thing in the world inside. It's like a Virgin Airline flight. Yes, yes, exactly.

This was the Virgin American airplane of apartment buildings. And they showed me the demo unit, which was like, you know, super small, all just like concrete. It looked like, you know, the box that they put you in in prison. It's got a plastic neon bed. Yeah, right. Exactly. you know the box that they put you in in prison it's got a plastic neon bed yeah right exactly and they had decorated it kind of uh you know in just kind of this obvious way they had one of

those you know those like italian liquor posters that college kids have they had one of those up and they had all this this stuff around trying to make it look cool or something but the one thing they had that i don't think they understood how loaded it was, was they had one of like a bust of a human head and the human head had the phrenology lines on it. Oh my God. Like something Leonardo DiCaprio's character from Django would have. I've seen a lot of reproduction phrenology heads recently too. Yeah.

Let's all get on the same page about this. That was not just a weird medical history thing. It was also a horrible racist thing. It was a combination of those two things. Granted, not purely a weird racist thing. It just had a lot of weird... But I mean, you could say the same thing about eugenics and you wouldn't have a eugenics poster on your wall.

So weird. A ranking of the purest races, for example. Where do you, who's selling those for, do you get those at Urban Outfitters? I think you get them at Urban Outfitters. Or like, yeah, like a sharper image or whatever. Very weird. The sharper image one

is a tie rack, though. Yeah, and it works. You mean for phrenology purposes. Right, yeah, to find out whose skull has an unusual amount of space dedicated to shiftiness. It turns out it's the Andorans. Yeah, it turns out. And the sheep fucking area of that skull is enormous. Usually, like, the average person has a very small sheep fucking center.

Yeah. Indora, though. Well, Jordan, I appreciate you sharing that information with us. And we're trying to wrap it up. Dave, it's been a pleasure to talk to you. Oh, thanks for having me. This was fun. Terrified is your new hit podcast.

Yes, Terrified. I bet you can find it online at Nerdist.com or free in iTunes. Absolutely. Is that all correct? You guessed it. That's all correct. Why is it called Terrified? Tell us real quick. I interview people about what they don't

like about themselves. What scares them, anxieties, and yeah, like if they hate themselves. Do people... I bet you're in some cases talking to comedians. I have, up to this point, only interviewed comedians. I want to interview musicians and artists and stuff.

But you don't know where they hang out. I don't know those. Hard to say. I don't know those types. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, so I've interviewed mostly comedians. And so they have generally either said they hated themselves or alluded to it.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think you'll find that many comedians that don't. I'm great. Yeah. Like I'm fine. Nothing's that many comedians that don't. I'm great. Yeah, like, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. And the show's 10 minutes long. No, I don't think that'll happen.

Yeah. Okay, well, that just sounds like a fun program. Thank you. I'll look forward to listening to it. Thank you very much. Probably poach you from Nerdist. What do you think of that? That sounds great.

Suck on that, Hardwick. Yeah. I say that to him every day. Just before you start the show. Suck on that, Hardwick. But that's just because Chris Hardwick's a handsome man. I mean, if he's going to go down on you, what are you going to say? No?

Yeah, I'm going to say yes. And I do. That sounds like fun. That's how you get on Nerdist. You do not want to know what you have to do to get on Earwolf. You have to fuck both Sklar brothers, I think is what you have to do. Yeah, the old Sklar double team. Sonny D on the boards, back.

Happy to hear your father's improved. Sounded like a scary time, so glad to hear that he's much improved. We heard he was up and being his old self much sooner than he probably should have been. So very happy to hear that. We won't talk to you next week. We're on our way to Europe. And you know what? Can I say one thing?

Please. Don't fucking correct me and say the United Kingdom isn't in Europe. Number one, it is. I've gotten that too. Come on, people. Number one, it fucking is. Yeah. So don't give me that shit.

Are people telling you that? Yes. Because they're like, oh, continental Europe, and it's an island, and we call Europe the rest of Europe. Like, go fuck yourself. You're a part of Europe. You're in the European Union, for God's sake. Oh, people in the UK are saying that they're not in Europe? Yes. They are in Europe.

It's one of the continents. It's on maps. What are they in? Astralasia? Yes. The Bermuda Triangle? Yeah. Hard to say.

Anyway, don't- People on the internet just like to correct. They do. It's fun for them. Yes. For some reason. I can't imagine. Hate themselves.

Lots of yelling on the internet. Yeah. Believe it or not. Sorry about. Lots of yelling on the internet. Yeah. Believe it or not. Sorry about that, by the way. Oh, no. That's not what I meant. Oh, you weren't talking about when I was literally yelling just now?

I meant the figurative yelling on YouTube. Yes, the all caps. Yes. The all caps. Oh, too much caps. Yeah. Well, Dave Ross, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design,

courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. By the way, thanks to the guy who made the video of a burlesque dance set to that song. A lot of fun. That's like a special thing just made specifically for Jordan. We will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. I'm Jordan Jesse Gough.