Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 289: Someday This Will All Be Yours with Shelby Fero

Episode Date: September 2, 2013

Comedian Shelby Fero joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Alan and Robin Thicke, secondary mutations, and crossbows.  Plus, they get into Straight Talk for Teens: Teen 2 Teen.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Not gonna lie to you, Jordan. I didn't get into this business to lie to you, Jordan. Yeah. Who are you? My mom and dad? R.E. Santa Claus? Jordan, you're one of my best friends, if not my best friend overall. And I don't want to...

But I don't want to, like, label what we have. I'm not into labels. But it's something special. Wouldn't you agree that it's something special? But, I mean, I think it demeans it if we want to label it. But wouldn't you say... Like, let's just let it be fluid would you ever changing would you say though that we share a special intimacy yes would you say that

we've shared a special intimacy yes should we label that yeah okay let's label it do you have a label maker i do have a label maker. I just got a Brother P100. Did you? I did. Oh, that's a good... Okay, well, let's... Hey, you know what? I've been labeling all kinds of stuff.

Let's put some labels on stuff. I mean, I just moved, so I can... I have stuff in the house that needs to be labeled. And while we're at it, let's just label some relationships. And while you're... You can label the stuff so your cat, Bug, knows what not to fuck with. Exactly, yeah. Just label it No Bug.

Oh, and while we're on the subject, I'm just going to need you to print ten labels that say Fuck Buddy. Okay. Wait a minute. What are those for? I'm going to be labeling some relationships. Oh. Ten? And then one that says Fiance.

You need ten of those? Yeah. And one that says Fiance? Oh, yeah. Don't let her see those other labels. I only need ten of those? Yeah. And one that says fiancé? Oh, yeah. Don't let her see those other labels. I only need one of those. She can see the kitchen stuff. I only need one of those, and it should also say fiancé.

She's a married woman with children. Sure. Well, you know, that's why it's fuck buddy. Yeah. That's why you haven't moved beyond fuck buddy with her. Yeah. Anyway, I'm not going to lie to you, but I'm a little bit cross and out of sorts today. Oh, no.

The weather in Los Angeles is, as the great poet put it, too darn hot. Right. You know what I mean? Oh, sure. I'm done with this shit. Have you gotten yourself some anti-monkey butt since the last time we talked? I should have gone to the drugstore to get some of that anti-monkey butt. I am covered in that shit right now, Jesse.

You're tucked up like a motherfucker. See these clothes I'm wearing? Hardened anti-monkey butt. Really? Yeah. So you use so much that it's sort of lubricating, softening properties were negated. And in fact, when you sweated, it caked. I am actually nude right now. What looks like clothes is just hardened.

That is an amazing coincidence because do you see the clothes that I'm wearing right now? Yeah, yeah. Exact same situation, only with cocaine. Oh. I powder my body with cocaine. That's not making you smell fresh. I like to numb out. I like to numb out. Shall we introduce our guest on the program?

I'd love to. She is a comedian, comedy writer, superstar in the world of Twitter. Probably America's most beloved teen. Sure. Right? Well, there's Dennis the Metis. I don't think. I think he's still a tween.

No, you're right. He does have a precocious sexuality that makes me uncomfortable, though. It's the slingshot. Yeah, exactly. You want him to ram it right up your ass. No, I don't want it. I think it's immoral for him to want to imply that he wants to do that. I don't think he should wear those half shirts.

That's what I'm trying to say. I don't think it's appropriate. Yeah, he should walk on the hems of his jeans either. No, come on. Grow up when it's time to grow up. Don't grow up before your time, Dennis the Menace. Anyway, Shelby Farrow, great to have you on the program. It's good to be here. Thank you so much for joining us. I'm correct that you remain a teen, right? Yeah, I am. But you're in the waning, you got to be in the Thank you so much for joining us. I'm correct that you remain a teen, right? Yeah, yeah. But you're in the waning – you've got to be in the waning days of your teendom. I say that because you really look worn out.

No. It's because you've been a teen for some time now. Yeah, about 19 years. A celebrity. No, that's not right. That's incorrect. Almost 10 years. You're thinking of Jennifer Lopez.

Am I right, guys? Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, you sound like one of – that remark sounded like, you know, one of those, you know, when like a woman has a birthday party and she's like, it's my eighth consecutive 21st birthday. Oh, did you not get my Facebook invite? Oh, I did. The joke I make every year is like the second anniversary of my 18th birthday. Love it. Love it.

Because I'm so funny. No, it'll be what? Two months. I got two months. Shelby, I got great news for you. A lot of people will try and convince you that when you're a teenager, you're on top of the world. But the truth is that your power is going to continue to build. Oh.

You are building towards the greatest things which you can achieve. Like renting a car. Sure. That's just one example of many. Or if you're in the X-Men, maybe you'll have a secondary mutation. No, thank you. I'm not a monster. No.

Whoa, okay. I want to be an X-Men. Wait a minute. The X-Men get double powers when they stop being a teenager? Well, I think when... No, but when they get boring in the comic books, they give them something else. That was going to be my explanation. What's an example?

Like Beast wasn't always blue. He was just a... He was just a monkey man. Yeah, he was a guy who had hand feet. And didn't Nightcrawler not always be able to do something? Teleport? Yeah, it was either teleport or walk up the wall. One of them came first, then they added the other one in. What are Nightcrawler's powers?

He's blue. Looking like Blue Devil. He's blue too, right? Like a kind of racist accent. Yeah, racist accent. Wait, he has an accent? Yeah, in the cartoons he did and the movies he did. What kind of accent does he have? He looks like him from Russian circus. Yeah, it's a weird Eastern European potato accent.

That's my thing. He sounds like a potato man. Speaking of racism. While we're on the subject. You call them potato people. Wait, okay, so he's like a Russian. It's probably racism, though. But you don't have an accent in a comic book right well the x-men they well i feel like when it comes to like gambit they will write things

out phonetically like how would they say it gambit is like french canadian or something he's uh he's like a bayou man like a beignet man he's a real gumbo person. Now that's an X-Man I would like to meet. But they're like weirdly racist like dialectually towards like white people's though. It's white dialects. Yeah, like I've never seen them be like super racist, but they will do stuff like that, like that weird. How do you think they would represent my electronics repairman, Gary? Everything would have an umlaut over it. Just so confusing. What a confusing accent.

By the way, someone suggested that he's Portuguese. I've decided to buy that. And for your information, Shelby. You've already painted me a beautiful picture. I've been interacting with an electronics repairman named Gary whose cultural and national and ethnic background is a total mystery to me. 100%. Except that he mentioned that he was from Europe. Oh, Europe's like – expands a lot. I know.

It's a big continent. There's the potato people. There's the pierogi people. There's Lil potato people. There's the pierogi people. There's Lil Gazpacho. But someone made a nice cold soup right now would be good, I think. It's really hot in Los Angeles. There was some folks on our...

Does he have blue eyes or brown eyes? I'm going to say brown eyes. Okay, that doesn't help me. I didn't crack the case. Wait, do you think we're just playing a game of guess who? You have a mustache? Someone suggested Portuguese, and I like Portuguese. I'll tell you why.

Because a lot of folks suggested reasons why it wouldn't be the various nations that we had suggested. I don't remember what they were. What were you thinking? Are you thinking it's like a Spain or like a France or like an up north? I didn't think it was. It's definitely not a northern European. Maybe Mediterranean, but not Italian. Oh.

So it could be like a Greek thing? It could be like a – Gary. I don't think he's Greek. I mean, Gary could be an anglicized name that he just picked up on his way into town. I was wondering. Just grab him out of the way. I'm Mike now.

But Portuguese I like because while he didn't speak. I am picking name of favorite actor, Gary Busey. While he didn't necessarily speak with a Portuguese accent, you know, and I don't know how a person from Portugal talks. I would be comparing it to maybe a Brazilian person. Disgustingly, let me tell you. They spit when they talk. That's what you mean. But I, you know, Portugal is a trading nation.

And for that reason, there's a lot of different ethnic groups and there's a lot. It's a, you know, it's a real bouillabaisse. Sure. A gazpacho, if you will. Yeah, it's what I. It's a real bouillabaisse. Sure. A gazpacho if you will. Yeah, it's what I like to call a potato country. I guess if it's gazpacho it would be a tomato country. Are you basically saying that you like that answer because

it doesn't put the onus on you to actually figure it out? That you just go like well, everyone goes through Portugal. Yeah, basically. He could be Moorish. I don't know. I don't know. All I know is that there's a lot going on in Portugal.

I like the idea. That's why I liked like an Istanbul or something. Oh, I always forget about like Turkey and stuff when I think of. Yeah. Got to put those in. It's a good possibility, Turkey. Yeah. I think. I think. Remember the Turks. I think of. Yeah. Got to put those in. It's a good possibility, Turkey. Yeah.

I think. Remember the Turks. I think any. Maybe it isn't. I mean, I said it like it was. It can be. Yeah. It's something that someone who wants to remind you about the Armenian genocide might say. Oh.

Sure. I think that any ancient city, I'll accept any ancient trading post city that is south of, you know, almost said south of the Andes, south of the Alps. You know what I mean? Like your warmer countries, ancient trading post cities. You're like port countries. Yeah, your port countries where you could get an inexplicable accent. Yeah. you're port countries where you could get an inexplicable accent. Yeah. I think that's where you pick up an inexplicable accent.

Is he just... No, never mind. But I've got good news about Gary. Okay. It's bad news for me. I have two stereo receivers. One of them is here in my office. It's the one Gary fixed.

He did a great job. The other one's at my home. It just started buzzing. I think it's going to need a transistor or something like that. Sure, something. So I'm going to stop by. It's going to need the services of a mystery man. I'm going to stop by.

It's going to need Gary. I'm going to talk to Gary and try and think of a nice way to ask him what country he's from without just being like, hey, Gary, what country are you from? ask him what country he's from without just being like, hey Gary, what country are you from? Isn't there like a kind of socially, colloquially acceptable way to do it? Like we just go like,

hey, so where are you from? Is that weird? I think it's a little rude because you could just be like, well, Los Angeles. I work in this store. Do you think I commute from... I totally get it. But could you say like, oh, where's that accent from? I feel like maybe saying where's that accent from is more acceptable

than where are you from? I think a lady could ask a man, where's your accent from? That's sexist. Well, I mean, just I don't know. In some way. The world is sexist. Yeah, sure. The way things are. It's not my fault

that that would go over well. I think it's possible a situation. Do I want to live in a world where it wouldn't go over well? But if you're just basing on the logical conclusion that to pick up an accent, you must have developed somewhere not where we are, it makes sense to say. It's not like he's speaking like just totally Americanized and you're still going, yo, where you from? Well, I'm not asking him what set he reps. Obviously, MS-13, World's Most Dangerous. Sure, yeah.

But I know, I think you're right, Shelby, if it were a cocktail party. So if I were hanging out with Gary. Well, who's to say it can't be? Bring a... We could throw this together. So you think bring some cocktails? Yeah.

Bring him to my 20th birthday party. Figure this out. Okay, done. Problem solved. But anyway, I'm going to look for an opportunity to politely ask, because Gary's been... Well, that's... He was a little weird last time I was there. Didn't he say some weird stuff to me?

He didn't like sexual music. He didn't get lucky. Oh, he hates sexual music. So he's a polite man. Will there be sexual music at your 20th birthday, Shelby? Oh, so much. Mostly just that one Robin Thicke song that everybody loves. Song of the Summer, right, guys?

Oh, boy. Song of the Summer. You're right. We're recording this on August 31st. Do we only have one more day to listen to the song? Oh, no. Summer continues into the September. Well, not to me. we only have we're recording this on August 31st do we only have one more day to listen to the song? oh oh no summer continues

into the September well not to me wait you think summer ends in July? apparently wow

Shelby you've got a lot to learn I was legitimately just thinking that summer ended July 25th like the end of the

summer solstice or whatever but fall solstice was September 25th. So I don't know. So the nebulous zone, what the Wiccans called the no time. I'm concerned that you may think that seasons are determined by a reading of the tarot cards. That's what I'm worried about. Isn't a solstice a real thing?

A solstice is real. Yeah. That's the longest day of the year yeah I'm so tired it's okay Shelby we've worn out Shelby Farrow

but I think I think when I bring in my stereo I'll because we built up a nice rapport when he invited me back into the repair area

sure oh you know what I'm talking about no I do built up a nice rapport no I'm talking about? No, no, I do. Built up a nice rapport. No, I'm saying that actually is like a nice thing that he offered.

Yeah. No, it was nice of him to bring me back there. I mean, I think maybe you could start it off. I mean, you've got so much great material about Miley Cyrus

at the VMAs. Sure. Everybody's talking about it. I could just bring that up and see what he thinks about that. You just launch into that chunk from your act.

Yeah. And then I'm sure he'll agree. He seemed too young to disapprove of sexual music. He wasn't an old guy. I mean, maybe in his late 40s. Well, maybe he's just been burned, you know? By sexual music? By Robin Thicke.

Maybe he just looks good. You mean he just got a sexually transmitted infection from Robin Thicke? Robin Thicke is a family man. Yeah. Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son. And I don't feel like people... Talk about that enough? Yeah, keep that at the top of their mind enough.

That almost destroyed his career at the beginning. Yeah, I mean, it should have. No, it's great. Anyone who's looking for great music should go onto YouTube and listen to some of the awesome themes that Alan Thicke wrote and performed. And yes, Alan Thicke, not Robin Thicke, wrote and performed for the National Aerobics Championship. You're kidding me. Which he hosted on syndicated

broadcast television in like 1985, 1986. he hosted them multiple times. Each year he wrote a new closing theme song about aerobics. Yeah, Alan Thicke's a talented musician. He wrote different strokes song. Is that true? Yeah. Wow. Oof.

Okay. He's one of Canada's favorite sons, Alan Thicke. Done a big 180 on. At the time, that was the song of the summer. The different strokes theme song. Exactly. It was everywhere. Seven years in a row. There was the song of the summer. The different strokes theme song. Exactly. It was everywhere. Seven years in a row.

There was no July 25th. The years just kept rolling over. Sure. Until Alan Thicke wrote the Growing Pains theme song. Boom. That's how we got August. And that's how August was invented. So sweaty.

That's why we should be really grateful to Thicke. Mm-hmm. I like Robin Thicke. Praise be. I think Robin Thicke's great. I got no beef with Robin Thicke. Mm-hmm. I like Robin Thicke. Praise be. I think Robin Thicke's great. I got no beef with Robin Thicke. He's just so bland. No, he's genial.

You're mistaking blandness for geniality. Wait, strike that. Reverse it. Other way around. You're mistaking geniality for blandness. Yeah. We can all see a little bit of ourselves. Yeah.

Nah. Grr. Let's have a discussion in noises. We can all see a little bit of ourselves. Let's have a discussion in noises. We'll be back in just a second, Troy and Jessica. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy. Oh, look at you, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy. You told me to say it that way.

We have a medical history show called Sawbones right here on Maximum Fun where we talk about all the dumb, hurtful, damaging ways that we've tried to fix people over the years. Have you ever tried to put mercury on a syphilis shanker? Or maybe you tried to drill a hole in your head because you heard it would reduce your blood brain volume? That was dumb. But if you want to know exactly why and know about all the other people that try to do the same dumb thing you did, you can listen to our show every Friday right here on MaximumFun.org. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Teen heart. What did you say about me?

Beloved teen earlier. America's most beloved teen. You can come up with your own. I mean, you don't have to. You can have that as your nickname, but you can come up with a new one if you want to. I'll take it. Okay. It's pretty good. Sure.

Yeah, it's not bad. And it's not just because I thought of it. No, no. I think I can make an objective. It's just two great words. Yeah, I can make an objective decision. Sure. That's a great nickname. You'd have to be a make an objective decision that that's a great nickname.

You'd have to be a real asshole to think that wasn't a good nickname, Jordan. I don't even know how you could possibly say it insincerely. Can you even? No, I mean, that's, yeah, I mean, it's as straightforward a nickname as you can get. I guess all I'm saying, Jordan, is remember before when I said that you were one of my best friends, if not my best friend? Mm-hmm. Anyway, just don't fuck with my nicknames.

Okay. Okay. That would be a really good advertisement for a label maker company, though. Don't fuck with my nicknames? No, like label it. Oh, yeah. Just a guy who just puts labels with made up names

for different stuff around the house and says don't fuck with my don't fuck he's like hey can you get me

a beer from the frigerino and he's like can I just call it the refrigerator don't fuck with my nicknames I got it

that is a pretty fun idea I could see it like on one of those like 50 funniest commercials. Yeah. Oh, sure. And then maybe on the set, we can pull off some bloopers and practical jokes.

Sure. We can get into another clip show. Some make-em-ups? Yeah, some make-em-ups. If we did them in an Australian accent, that's a third commercial clip show. Best international commercial. Wow. We get that sponsored.

We do sketches based on that sponsorship. Now we have a variety hour. Guys, you know who's going to get sick of introducing our clips? Dave Coulier. Who I assume hosts those. I'll hit the puppet. Sunny D, real quick, could you get on the internet and just get us a phone number for the president slash owner?

Well, first of all, get us a phone number for the president. Second of all, get us a phone number for the president. Second of all, get us a phone number. He owns things too. Well, if he's the guy who owns the Brother Label Maker company, then you only have to get one number. But otherwise, get two

numbers. One for President Barack Obama. That's like our backup plan. And one, the owner of Brother Label Maker because we have a pitch for him. Don Maker because we have a pitch for him. Don't say we have a pitch for him. Say we have an opportunity for him. It's a power move. Tell him that Dave Coulier is attached.

He's shown a lot of interest. Do you think that getting the president to endorse something would actually be more or less helpful than getting like a celebrity in entertainment to endorse it. That's actually a real question. I guess it depends on what it is. I mean it would have to be something that you didn't mind being a little divisive. So I think if it's something like – Like a label maker. Like a label maker.

Coffee maker. Yeah. I mean all those – I mean when Ron Paul gave that anti-label maker speech, all the Tea Party people threw their label makers into the Boston Harbor. True story. Well, true story. They didn't even get the significance of it. They just happened to be there.

Yeah. The libertarian wing of the Tea Party, the social conservatives hung on to their label makers. Right. I mean they have that famous flag with the snake that says, don't label me. Don't label on me. Don't label on me. Don't put on me. Don't label on me. Don't put a label on that. Yeah.

So, I mean, I think if it was something that, you know, if you were going for, you know, urban liberals, the president's endorsement would probably help it. But if, you know, you were shooting for this to be a broad, a broadly appealing product, maybe not. Like across both lines. Yeah. You want to get someone kind of. You got like a Beyonce.

Or a Gary Busey, sure. Shelby, when you say a cross both lines, I mishear it as a crossbow line. And I think that would be something that I'd like to see. A cross blurred line. I'd like to see the president endorse a line of crossbows.

Yeah, Hunger Games has never been hotter. I think I'd buy one. The Barack Obama. Do you think, I think buy one. The Barack Obama. Do you think, I think. Crossbow. Cross Obama. No, we'll work on it.

It would have to be a beginner's crossbow. Yeah. Well, because he's a beginner? No, obviously he's an expert. You've never seen this man. I'm not even going to shoot. Yeah, he probably tricks out his crossbow. He mods it. Oh, he pimps it.

Yeah. Do you think he's got an import crossbow? Oh, yeah. He's got a. It's like custom, so they're really expensive. It's got anbow. He mods it. Oh, he pimps it. Yeah. You think he's got an import crossbow? Oh, yeah. He's got a... It's like custom, so they're really expensive. It's got an Afghani trigger on it. Ground effects. Sure.

There's neon lights that go underneath. Oh, yeah. It's a little wheel on them. You can use them as Heelys. Just roll your crossbow around. If you put your foot in the crossbow. How fun is that? It's pretty fun. That sounds pretty good. I'm not going to lie How fun is that? It's pretty fun.

That sounds pretty good. I'm not going to lie to you, Shelby. Sounds pretty good. Hi. I'm President Barack Obama. For Crossbomb Brand Beginners Crossbows. I'm an expert crossbow artist, as anyone who's been boar hunting with me can tell you. Someone just pops up and goes, it's true.

He has an arrow through his head. Nice shot, Mr. President. You know what? A lot of folks think that we just go, you know, we just do kind of silly slice of life observational stuff. We can do topical satire too. Sure. And the thing is that I think that we can both do like goofy fun and dark serious. You know what I mean?

Like we can do both emotions. You know what I think is great about us is that there's no sacred cows. We'll go there. Yeah. We just want to speak truth to power. Can I say- I mean, it's not mean if you're mean to everyone. Exactly.

Thank you. Thank you. I mean, it's not mean if you're mean to everyone. Exactly. Thank you. Thank you. Speaking of us being silly and a little bit darker, I would like to pitch a spinoff commercial about the guy with the arrow through his head. Because I think he's the embodiment of that principle. Will there be bloopers and practical jokes?

I actually really do. Okay. Think about, what if that's what your entire life's career was, was being like the kind of wacky extra and stuff, but you've always just wanted to be a very dramatic actor, but you're very, very bad at that,

but you're very weirdly good at just doing those extra pop-ups. Oh, sure. And people actually really respect you for it and call you when they need it. So this is about a man trying to transcend

his position in life, kind of like a Frost-Nixon sort of story. Yeah, it's sort of like Seinfeld meets The Seventh Seal. Okay, you didn't include Frost-Nixon in there, and you agreed with me, so now I feel railroaded. Why aren't we listening to my ideas? I haven't listened to a single thing you guys said. You're just monologuing.

Staliloquying. Oh, excuse me. I don't look at you either. Sorry, Spalding Gray. Oh. Have fun dying by falling off a ship. Is that how he died? Anyway.

He probably committed suicide. Okay. Sorry, family of Spalding Gray. Most likely committed suicide. Is he the guy who makes the basketballs and tennis balls, Spalding? No. Yes. And he does long monologues about them.

Oh, God. So he's got a sort of bipartite career. On the one hand. I should go back to school. You've got basketballs. On the other hand, you've got. Dramatic. Theatrical monologues.

We covered that you're a teen. Do you quit college to work in show business? Oh, I guess so. That's a terrible way to put it. Well, I mean, work in show business? Oh, I guess so. That's a terrible way to put it. Well, I mean, I quit show business to go to college. Oh, really? I mean, I kind of understand that. But in a flip-flop kind of way.

Yeah, you went back. Until he was 18, he worked in his parents' acrobatic team. Traveling jamboree. He was a regular Buster Keaton. Yeah, and. Traveling jamboree. He was a regular Buster Keaton. Yeah, and they died. And then I was talking to Batman for a while about doing the sidekick thing. Right, sure. Didn't really pan out.

We couldn't crunch our schedules. He kept waiting for the secondary mutation, which never came. Yeah, exactly. Batman does not understand the two universes. He clearly does not. Are there no mutations in the DC universe? I don't think so. Okay.

Sorry. Then I apologize. I'm sure someone- So many people have just tore up their iPhones. What about DC? E-mailing us about DC mutations. Can I ask you a question? Yes.

You say there's no mutations. What about Lego Batman? Oh, that's- Well, that's what happened when Batman fucked a pile of Legos. Oh, okay. What a horrifying reality. So that's not a mutation so much as it is a hybrid. He got buffeted by gamma rays, I believe, is how he turned into Lego Batman.

Jordan, what's going on with you? What's going to happen in your life? Well, guys, I was presented with an exciting new opportunity slash burden. Oh. Maybe you guys can help me with. I'm kind of stressing out over it. It's not happening for a while. My sister is getting married.

Great. And she and her fiance asked me if I would be the wedding DJ. would be the wedding DJ. And so they kind of wanted not just to DJ the wedding, but also to kind of move things along. They want you to emcee their wedding. Yeah, maybe more emcee than DJ, but they were very clear that I would also be choosing and playing all the... You would also be doing a lot of work.

They're looking for a cruise director, I figure. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to lead like conga lines, limbo, you know, get place fun. Get to know you. They have a ton of shrimp. Mention the shrimp. Yeah. Yeah. That's you know, that's an old showbiz trick. If you ever had a loss or something to say, go back to the shrimp. Just go to the shrimp. Go to what you know. Yeah. And I know when I know shrimp, Shelby, there's one thing I know. It's shrimp. You're eating so much shrimp right now. Yeah. So bad. Yeah. It is 100 degrees in this box and I am covered in shrimp. You're eating so much shrimp right now. Yeah. It's so bad. Yeah. It is 100 degrees in this box and I am covered in shrimp.

You don't want to know where I'm keeping the cocktail sauce. It's in my undies. You guys know what they call me? The muscle man. Because you're always eating oysters. You got it. And they make you so strong. You follow the logic. All the oysters. You follow the logic.

Shelby, queen crab. Never eaten crab once in my life. It's a little overrated, I think. Just have claws. Claws for hands. There's your secondary mutation. When you turned to Nicene. Where's this being born?

The second one's getting me. Yeah, you were mutated. Anyway. So, yes. Wedding DJ. So, I'm... What? What. So, yes. Wedding DJ. So, I'm. What? What?

So, let me ask. Can I just interject? What? What? I think, you know, I think I am suited for the job in that I can. I think the Master of Ceremonies thing will, you know, kind of involve my skill set. Oh, absolutely. I don't question the Master of Cere my skill set. Oh, absolutely. I don't question the master of ceremonies thing.

So how, okay. And also, should I be insulted I'm not getting paid? How much does a wedding DJ usually get paid? Is this a high paid job? Well, it depends on the quality of the wedding DJ. Sure. I mean, yeah, I think it could be a very high pay. Like I know people who used to do that as a side job.

Should I shake my sister down for money? I mean, probably more money more money when you say that you know people who used to do that as a side job and they were really highly paid you're just trying to imply that you're friends with biz marky right i'm just trying to imply that i'm a wedding dj and i love myself i feel like people people have no understanding uh there are huge swaths of people who have no understanding of the like responsibility that a dj has in their hand sure right they're just gonna play whatever music they want i and i, I honestly, I think you're a great choice to emcee this operation. Sure. For the record, I don't know.

I'm not saying you're going to be a bad choice. I'm just saying I objectively have. You need more information. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just want to put that out there. What kind of test would you like to put him through? I mean, I've never been in his car when he's just playing music. I've never heard him give an opinion.

You know what I mean? So you think that if you were in his car just playing music, he'd be introducing the tracks. Sure. Guiding you from track to track. I will. On any given car ride, I will play the chicken dance three times. Yeah. Well, that's how I know you're fun.

So what? So, okay. So I guess here's my- What kind of things? Number one, what does a wedding DJ get paid? Depends on whether or not they're bringing their own PA and equipment. That's number one. I don't think I'm – maybe I'm supposed to get a PA.

Anyway, at least hundreds of dollars. Okay. Possibly. Upwards. I mean, we're not talking about a celebrity DJ type situation. Sure. I'm not Steve Aoki over here. Not more than –

No Skrillex. $1,500, $2,000 probably. $2,000? Yeah, that makes sense. I feel like we had a family friend DJ our wedding. Because it's hours too. It is a lot of hours for them to work. Oh, it's a very difficult job.

And he's a professional DJ. He actually toured for a while as Cat Williams DJ. That's cool. Oh, can you imagine a better job for a DJ? You just play a song until Cat Williams gets to the microphone. Then you turn it off. Although, for the record, I did at first think you meant that his DJ name was Cat Williams DJ.

That's a good touring ass. So he was a family friend. I want to say maybe he charges something like $1,000 and he wouldn't let us pay him more than $500. I don't remember. It was something like that. I mean, yeah. So either way, I'm getting stiffed. Yeah.

For sure. I mean, she's being terrible. Clearly. I don't like that. What a pill. But again, these are two jobs. Sure. One is you introduce the best man.

You introduce this. You introduce that. You're bringing on these people who need to make a little speech. You're saying now it's time for the father-daughter dance or whatever. Clear the floor. I think let's clear the floor. There's some bad acid going around the wedding. Head to the chill out tent.

I like the idea that Jordan's sister's Orange County wedding, just the floor is going to be fucking ape shit before the father-daughter dance hits. Just ten minutes in, everybody just got in and they're just fucking pushing each other. People are throwing bows. It's just going to be bonkers. They just got in and they're just fucking pushing each other. People are throwing bows. Sure. It's just going to be bonkers. With her law school friends just fucking, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm worried. Okay.

So wait. Now, let me finish what I'm saying. So all of those responsibilities, I think you could handle with a plum. I got him. Look, you spoke at my wedding. You did a wonderful job. Thank you. For the record, I've never heard you give a speech, so I don't know if you did actually do well at his wedding.

Shelby, let me reassure you. He did. A heaping helping of humor and a little bit of heart to boot. Oh, boy. That's my proportion. That's a little bit of a garnish. Yeah, a little sprinkle. Yeah.

It was a really lovely – I would not call it a speech. I like to call these things a talk because I like to keep it more informal. But it was a really nice little talk that Jordan gave. I like to go less formal than that. I go rapsesh. Oh really? Rapsesh? Yeah, that's why I was doing it on a chair that I had turned around. Two chairs backwards.

That was a nice little riff we did up there at your wedding. So anyway, I think all of those things are well within your responsibilities as a brother and your, you know, I think this is all a great idea. However,

this thing where you're also DJing is a genuinely terrible idea. Sure. I mean, I think the thing where I'm – OK. Here's what I think their thought process is. Sure. Is either A, they maybe don't know about the intricacies – intricacies?

Yeah. Yeah. The intricacies of being a DJ, how important it is, maybe the thought that goes into it. You said the tone. You said the mood of the people. Sure. Sure, you've taken the temperature of the room. They may not know that one of the purposes of music is to incite dancing.

Sure. And partying. Which I do not like to do. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely don't like dancing at weddings. Yes, that's right. I'm not saying I love dancing at weddings. We're not dance at weddings people.

No. This is such a... We just, yeah, we're straight talk. But it is true. I like weddings where it's more like, oh, we're going to, I was going to say we're going to sit for a while. But that is kind of it. You like a nice sit. Like a park wedding or like a outdoorsy

or like just a nice small place or alternatively get like a band that you fucking love and it's really rad and have a quote unquote mini show thing at it

and have like a hour long party within the greater party. I also had Tony, Tony, Tony at my wedding. Well, Tony, Tony. Yeah, I had two of the Tonys. TTT?

Raphael Sadiq was not available. He's great. I had Dwayne Wiggins and I can't pull the third Tony. That's okay. Cat Williams. You did great. Yeah. And Cat Williams DJ.

Getting two out of the three Tonys is pretty good. It's great. And let's be honest. I'm lying. I did not have Tony Tony Tony at my wedding. I had Timex Social Club. It's great. And let's be honest. I'm lying. I did not have Tony, Tony, Tony at my wedding. I had Timex Social Club. Anyway, Jordan. Yes.

I don't want any rumors flying. Hey. Oh. So hot. So what kind of wedding is this wedding going to be? Here's the thing. I think maybe they don't care if it's fun. Oh.

In that case, whatever. It might be. I'm not that they don't. That'm, that's, that's quitting it. Do you think they're sandbagging their wedding? I think, and I haven't asked. I should ask this. They're trying to make you take the fall for the wedding? I think it might be dry.

I think it might be a dry wedding. Really? I think his family is very religious. Uh-huh. I think they both are. And I don't know what everybody is, you know, feeling. But are they like – when you say they're very religious, you mean they're like Seventh-day Adventists or, you know, Mormons or something where drinking is like specifically not or just they're conservative people who might not drink for reasons of – you know. Yeah, yeah.

It's more of that. Yeah. No, it's not a – yeah. Yeah, I think – It's not like she's marrying a Muslim guy who does – his whole family doesn't drink. I don't think it's part of the plan for it to go off the chain. Okay. Yeah.

Oh, they're not trying to make it off the hook. So yeah, I think maybe they just want me to make a couple of playlists. I mean they basically just want you to have some like ambient music. So, yeah, I think maybe they just want me to make a couple of playlists. I mean, they basically just want you to have some ambient music. Sure, yeah. You probably do. You're into ambient, right? I'm totally. Well, I take a lot of ambient.

Can I say I was a wedding DJ's assistant. Yeah, what did you learn? Okay, let me ask you this. Do you feel like the guy you assisted was a good wedding DJ? I do. I think he was an excellent. He was a really excellent wedding DJ. He was really a best case scenario wedding DJ.

I mean, he wasn't, he wasn't really a cool wedding DJ. Like he wasn't, like the DJ that we had at our wedding, you know, my wife and I had at our wedding, you know, was like a real professional DJ for rap groups and stuff like that. So it wasn't like that. You know, he wasn't this, the guy I worked for wasn't the kind of guy who's going to throw on scenario and everyone goes apeshit. But he really knew his music and was a good guy and never played shitty wedding songs. It was like a rule.

He's like, look, I'm just not going to play any shitty weddings. And what are we putting in there? We're putting Chicken Dance, Twist and Shout. Yeah, I mean, Twist and Shout is probably not on the list. I wouldn't put that on the list. But, you know, Chicken Dance, Electric Slide, Jump, you know, the fucking Macarena, Hot, hot, hot, you know, bullshit song. Oh, you know, Shelby, we've been, we are not wedding dancers.

What about you? Dancing at a wedding? Yes? No? I mean, I think I've always been young at weddings. Oh, sure. You know. Or that's not true.

I've been to a couple in like high school, but like, no, I'm not going to. But you got like super hammered, right? This gal. Yeah. Yeah. Both times. Old queen crab over here? Yeah.

These claw hands? Yeah. Never put down a drink. Double clawed drinker. Sure. I think I would try really hard to dance at a wedding. I would try really, really hard for like 20 minutes to be like, yes. And then I, but just naturally I probably would stop. It's not that hard. I mean, it's a choice you can make, yes or no.

Yeah. And I think I would make the choice for a little bit and then I wouldn't actively be like, okay, time to stop dancing now. But I would be like, well, maybe I'll go like eat more like snacks. Maybe I'll go like eat more like snacks. What I do like about being occupied the whole time is that I probably won't have to explain to a lot of people what a podcast is. Right. Which is the main, my least favorite part about going to weddings. Here's the great challenge of being a wedding DJ. It's this. Look, during dinner or the quiet part or whatever, you can just put on kind of blue and everyone will be really happy. Like no one has it.

No one is like fucking Miles Davis. This is bullshit. Like flips you off. Play it out. However, once the party starts, you will have two camps, youngs and olds. Yep. And you could potentially have. You could alienate one really quickly.

You could potentially have other cultural battles as well that you have to negotiate. Because the truth is that you may have a country family and a city family. A little rock and roll. It's presuming that this is a mouse wedding. This is an adorable mouse wedding that's happening inside of a matchbox. It really is. I mean, there's only so many songs. The young old thing is the central

one. No matter what the other cultural dynamics are, it doesn't have to be, you know, it doesn't have to be a bunch of, like, a big rap-loving family marrying a big country music-loving family. One side's like, Travis Tritt.

The other side's like, Notorious B.I.G. We'll never get along. Young versus old. Let's call the whole thing off. Young versus old is going to be a real problem. And there's only a few things that everyone can figure out. Yeah, I guess I don't know that. I don't know about the –

Yeah, right. I mean, that's the shirt. That's totally true. I know a guy who – he plays bass for someone professionally, but he also just DJs, that's for sure. That's totally true. My friend, I know a guy who, he like plays bass for someone like professionally, but he also just DJs with a friend for fun. And I've actually been to a couple parties that he's DJed and he plays just- Is this Chris Novoselic? It's actually Avicii.

Okay. I don't know if you guys have heard of him. Yeah. Leveled. No, it's not a big deal. No, but he plays like all I can describe as just good music. I don't know how to give an example of it. It's going to be hard for Jordan.

No, I'm kidding, Jordan. No, guys. But it's weird. Stuff like that. It's like Motown Legends or Rolling Stones always kind of work. I guess classic stuff. I want to interject one thing since I just made fun of Jordan's music taste. I want to take this opportunity as the host or co-host of this program to just let everyone know that we have a lot of fun talking about how Jordan hosted a ska program in college.

Did you really? I did, yeah. And listened to ska music in high school. What kind of bad music are you? Hold on. No, hold on. Hold on. I'm trying to get to an explanation.

Sure. I want everyone to know, because I don't want him to just be a cartoon character. Sure. That today in his day-to-day life. He's writing a skateboard. While he has fond memories of his ska and punk rock days and would certainly, just as I would fondly listen to an En Vogue song if it came on the radio, he would fondly listen to a Ska song were it to come on the radio. He has a grown-up indie rock tastes these days that are sophisticated.

And, you know, I just want everyone to know that you'll find him at a Band of Horses concert as much as the next guy. Sure. Again, cannot confirm or deny. Yeah. No, but I think everyone's like a little bit bad music. I think what Jesse is saying is if you see me on the street, I don't want to talk about less than Jake with you. I don't.

I don't. Please stop it. Okay. So here's what you got. You got Motown. You got Stevie Wonder moving into the 70s. I mean, I'm literally still Motown, but you have classic Motown. Stevie Wonder.

You have the song Kiss by Prince. Kiss by Prince is easily the best wedding song in terms of party starting and being appealing to almost everyone. What about, because it has a wedding theme, what about Let's Pretend We're Married? No. Okay. That's going to be a good one. It's cool, though, that it has a wedding theme. What about Let's Pretend We're Married? No. You're – no. I don't think that's going to be a good one. It's cool though that it has a wedding theme. Sure.

You're right. But what you will find is that people won't know what it is. Right. Yeah. You will be amazed at how famous of a song you have to play for people to know and care what it is. It's a really tough job being a wedding DJ. Yeah. Absolutely. care what it is it it's a really tough job being a wedding dj yeah absolutely if i mean being a dj is really hard in general um you know getting and maintaining people dancing is tough but at a wedding where everyone is there for a different thing and everyone comes from a different

background it's double plus hard are you gonna do any googling you go into it? Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, I'm going to spend some time with this and, you know, have some different themed playlists for different – whatever different scenario might come up. So, yeah. I mean, I think that's kind of my strategy going into it is being able to switch between playlists of various themes and vibes. Yeah. I mean, my feeling is you have to have, if you're talking about a two-and-a-half-hour-ish window, three-hour window, something like that, you really got to go,

you really got to have like two hours of basically just Motown. Like you can stretch into- But these are long. They're fucking long. Dude, I'm not even kidding. On Spotify, they have just Motown classics, and it's literally just 250 songs. Yeah, you can play- I are long they're fucking long dude I'm not even getting on Spotify they have just Motown classics and it's literally

just 250 songs yeah you can play I have a four disc compact I'll bring it in just make why don't you just put it on Spotify and make people listen

to those commercials that happen every three songs premium account oh I should get a premium account maybe that is it maybe that is it maybe that's the solution

is just get a premium Spotify and just fucking let something rip I think you gotta have you're gonna premium Spotify and just fucking let something rip. I think you're going to have to deal with it actively. You're going to have to have a few barrels of songs to pick from that you can go between so that you're going to have to actively manage it. Yeah. It's a living, breathing organism. You've got to give it at least 90 minutes of your Earth, Wind & Fires, your Motowns.

I don't think there's any white people songs that fit into this entire category. I think Rolling Stones. Yeah, I think Rolling Stones. I mean, you can go like those old Beatles songs. What Beatles song would someone dance to? Well, Twist and Shout. It could be one, actually. Yeah, Twist and Shout. I Want to Hold Your Hand. Nobody wants to hear the Beatles version of Twist and Shout. It could be one, actually. Yeah, Twist and Shout. I Want to Hold Your Hand.

Nobody wants to hear the Beatles version of Twist and Shout. Oh, come on. I think people do. I mean, there are better versions of it, but I think people would love it. I don't know if Beach Boys fits in. No. Yeah. I'm trying to.

There's a couple. Like, if you play Brown Sugar, sure, that would work. There's like four rock songs. Yeah, yeah. Like Miss You, maybe. That work. The Clash? And then. Maybe a little bit. You could just. Or like Mix You, maybe? That work. The Clash? Maybe a little bit.

You could just, should I stay or should I go? Oh, that is actually, that's better. I want to be sedated. And then the last hour, you just play 90s rap music. You play Dr. Dre. Sure. You just play Tupac. Jay-Z, old Jay-Z. Yeah, Jay-Z songs. Tribe.

I mean, yeah, I guess you can just see what, I mean, I'm sure the kids there will want to hear Katy Perry songs. I'm sure they'll want to hear. Kids. Yeah, right, the kids. So, anyway, so yeah, I guess I don't know whether I'm going to impose those ethics that your wedding DJ did where he had some like just things he wouldn't play on principle. I don't know if I'm going to be like, okay, no, no Gangnam Style. Like because people would love to hear that, I'm sure.

Yeah, that's what they would love to hear. The last wedding I was at when Gangnam Style came on, the place fucking went apeshit. Really? Yeah. Oh, totally. Just play. Can't you just play blurred lines? Over and over?

Yeah, I'm sure that'll come up. Yeah. Yeah. Gangnam Style, huh? Yeah, I'm sure that'll come up. Yeah. Yeah. Gangnam style, huh? Yeah, Gangnam style. Do I go back and do Call Me Maybe? Yes. I can see by the expressions on your face.

Jeez Louise, Jordan. You would all love to hear. If you're ever looking for a new co-host, I know people. That's really cool, Shelby. I'll leave like a list hey listen call me maybe how big of a party is this? good question don't know I need more information

and it really is like are they dancers like a yacht club or are you just gonna sit at the tables and eat dinner people think this is the part of their wedding they're gonna save money on people think oh I'll just make a playlist. Sure. You don't know what it is to be a DJ. So angry.

I'm not saying, because it, the people. It's totally true. People ruin their own party this way. Yeah. They think that just because them and their three other friends. Don't skimp on the vibes. Went to the same replacements concerts, you know, in college or whatever. That means that everyone wants to hear the replacements at the wedding.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah. 80s block. I mean, I guess, do I want people to have a good time or do I want them to come? Yeah, just all cure. All cure. Just all cure. You know, just blood flowers beginning to end.

Yeah. Well, throw in some new order. Dude, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You can do that. The other day I said to my friend, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You can do that. The other day I said to my friend, I don't know why people cry at

weddings. They're not sad. And he straight up just like looked at me and didn't say anything for like a minute. Well, it's because you're some kind of weird

android. You're an android still learning the ways of man. What about Oingo Boingo? Sure, yeah. I mean, you could do Oingo Boingo. All Oingo Boingo.

Yeah. And then scores that Danny Elfman wrote for movies. Oingo Boingo into some TMBG. Dude, weird signs would – I think you've got this thing. People would go ham. Yeah, there's a lot of Oingo Boingo. I think, yeah, you could play, you know, Dead Man's Party and people would enjoy that.

A couple of cake songs you could play. Well, yeah. Well. I think everything sounds creepy in the context of a wedding. Pixies? Yeah, everything does. Because you're putting it up against the backdrop of eternal love. Sure.

Which is hilarious. Mm-hmm. I got to tell you, you guys are really, really stretching the boundaries of what will fly out of the way. Yeah. Even just, like, of all the things that you just listed, basically the one that would work is should I stay

or should I go sure that's it like of all of those I feel like although I do feel like so many lists ago I know

I do feel like there's I was at a wedding that did have a little like new wave part that went over well oh yeah no I think you could I think you could get

an 80s retro but it's gotta be big hey Mickey you're so fine big dance hits sure it's gotta be big dance hits that's what that's what it is yeah that is true there's a lot of different people there big dance hits. It's got to be big dance hits.

That's what it is. There's a lot of different people there. There's going to be a lot of teens that don't remember any 80s songs. There's going to be a lot of old people that hated 80s music. Oh, that is very true. I have a bunch of people I know now, socially, who are in their late 20s and stuff, who I'm trying to get in better

friendships because I think they're going to get married soon because I want to go to more weddings. Because I know in the next five years it's going to be that like next crop of like wedding season. That's enough time for me to lay the groundwork to get an invite. Just because you love layer cake so much. Is that what this is about?

You love steam trays of pasta. I've never went to that many weddings. I have to say though. Anyway, I mean, you're not the age to go to weddings. I think you're right in saying that I think your wedding season is ahead of you. And I am ready. I'm ready to go pro. If I don't get invited to any weddings...

Just to be clear, you don't get paid to go to a wedding. What? I will. Just go to the Piggly Wiggly and buy a sheet cake. You can just eat the whole thing. You don't even have to share it with all the other guests. Yeah, but where's the... That's a good point.

Where's the feeling? No, you're right. That's a good point. You want the combination of the confusion as to why everyone's crying. Yeah, you want to be confused but also simultaneously gorging on... Yeah, the cake's here. The one really weird thing when I was a wedding DJ's assistant, it was when I was living in Washington, D.C., and there's this thing among white people in the mid-Atlantic called beach music.

Mm-hmm. And they would come up and ask for it. And it's like this sub-genre of R&B. It's like Northern Soul for English people. Northern Soul is this whole thing that happened in the 80s, 70s and 80s, where people found super obscure Motown-style R&B dance music from the early and mid-60s and had huge dance parties. Like, it was a huge cultural thing in England. Oh, in England. Oh, okay. They had some, a huge cultural thing in England. Oh, in England. Oh, okay. They have some like weird tastes in England still.

But it's like, you know the scene in Animal House where the R&B band is playing for the Frat Brothers? Sure. It's like that. And these sort of 50-year-old fratty dudes would come up and ask for it and it made me so uncomfortable every time it was just they might as well have just said do you have any race music

like that's how I felt when they said do you have any beach music yeah like just such a specific form and just such a specific like type of boat owner that would ask for it. Well, right now, Miguel and the Future are touring.

You get them to just make a little stop. Just get Miguel in there. Yeah. Hey, Miguel, what are you doing around March? People would be fucking. Do you want to come to Orange County? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I think that's also something I need to worry about. I mean, I think I can probably construct these playlists, but if requests come up, do I just go, uh-uh? You get that Spotify account. Yeah, I guess so. You tell your sister to hire a DJ. Yeah, right? Yeah, that's kind of what it sounds like. You ask somebody you know.

You help her hire the DJ. You find a DJ that knows how to DJ a DJ thing. Because I bet you someone would do it for 500 bucks. Yeah. I bet you could find someone. Even if you have to do it. I think they are pinching pennies. I think that is part of why this is happening.

I mean, the other option is. Maybe that's a wedding present that I get them. The other option is this. Yeah. The other alternative is it's a wedding that is not a dance party wedding. It could be. It could be that it's not part of it. You keep saying Orange County and that makes me feel like are they not just doing it either on a beach or at one of those like kind of clubby type places?

I think I don't know where it's at. Okay. That's a big one. Sorry. Again, I came into this with zero information. You just said a taqueria. Yeah, right? I came into this with zero information.

Just said a taqueria. Yeah, right. I think if it's that, if you get that information, I think you could put together a fun playlist that people would enjoy the music. Sure. It's the difference between people are enjoying the music, have good music taste to pick a wide variety of enjoyable music. pick a wide variety of enjoyable music but it's the difference between that and uh fucking party time sure sure yeah and i think if that's what they want i mean i want them to have that so yeah why shouldn't they have that they're good people totally are they your sister's a nice lady yeah she's got a nice boyfriend i I bet. He's great. Fiance. Or she has a boyfriend also.

Yeah, I'm talking about the boyfriend. I'm making her some labels for the wedding. I'm talking about the side piece. I'm making some, yeah. Jordan. Maybe the side piece will help me. He's a DJ. One way or another. Aren't they always?

Aren't they always? They are. One way or another, I really believe in you. Thanks, ma'am. As long as you only play I Want You Back by the Jackson 5. Oh, that's a great one, though. One way or another, I really believe in you. Thanks, ma'am. As long as you only play I Want You Back by the Ducks and Five. Oh, that's a great one, though. Just segue from I Want You Back into ABC into I Want You Back into ABC.

That's great. Just switch. Just alternate. I should have two turntables. If somebody comes up and says, can you play a slow song? Just play Never Can Say Goodbye. There you go. And then just go back into I Want You Back.

Or just play I Want You Back but slow down. Signed, sealed, delivered. Just like play it on a slower speed. Play the record on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My number one tip is Kiss is the best song that fills the floor

at every wedding that is not embarrassing to anyone. Some Prince songs are like seven minutes long. Oh, get the dance 12. Fill them up. There you go.

If you get the dance 12 you're looking at 10 or 12 minutes. But you're looking at 12 if you get the dance 12. Oh, get the dance 12. Fill them up, man. There you go. If you get the dance 12, you're looking at 10 or 12 minutes. But you're looking at 12 if you get the dance 12. Oh, you know, I do have a lot of like... I'm talking about inches

of album. Oh, I had no idea. It's okay. You're just a teen. Oh. I thought vinyl was back. I had the slow it down thing. Yeah, yeah.

I made that riff. You got that. Yeah, I... Although, I mean, if we're talking about like long songs and like needing a lot of long songs that. Yeah, I, although, I mean, if we're talking about, like, long songs and, like, needing a lot of long songs that, like, people really enjoy, I mean, I have a lot of fish bootlegs. Oh, yeah. That just have extended jams. There's some Up for the McGeehan.

Sure. Do you have them playing Boogie on Reggae Woman? Because everyone loves that song and everyone loves fish. Yeah, absolutely. Get some Zombies albums. Perfect. Okay, right. Do you have any anal cunt?

Yeah, I do. Yes, I have some anal cunt. Do you have Lou Reed's Metal Machine music? Yeah, and I have some early GWAR stuff. What about Bowie? Like some early GWAR stuff when they were more thrash. Yeah, more thrashier GWAR. Do you think any Bowie could fly at a wedding?

I think a lot of it could. Let's dance. Am I wrong? Yeah, let's dance. Oh, let's dance. Yeah, I would say primarily let's dance. Fame? Fame would fly at a wedding if it think a lot of it could. Let's dance. Am I wrong? Yeah, let's dance. Yeah, I would say primarily let's dance. Fame? Fame would fly at a wedding. If it was a hip wedding. Yeah.

What about the, oh, pressure? Yeah, under pressure. I don't even know what dance music is. Armour Superstar? Sure, Armour Superstar. Princess Superstar. Just play only Superstars. Right, sure. I'll just play all Tumblecore. Yeah.

Play Tumblecore. I'll alternate between Tumblecore and Sissy Bounce. You know, can you play a little chill wave? I'll play some chill wave. Yeah. Some slow core. Yo, dude, though, I know like some really good new rap that's like No way. For real? Tell us about it. For real? But is it like... It's like they say pussy

but they mean like positive messages. Is it rap or hip hop? Would you call it rap or hip hop? Because I don't listen to rap but I love hip hop. I mean but I think I would call it like

rap pop. Great. Oh snap. Awesome. That's amazing. This sounds really good. This sounds really cool. Is it made by a

16 year old white girl from New Jersey? It may be made by me. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Me, Shelby. Really? That's why you come on a podcast, self-promotion. Come on. God. We were trying self-promotion. Come on.

God. We were trying to – Me and Shelby, God. Yes, there you go. I'll buy that. Hey, advertiser on this week's program, our sponsor, our good friends at Hulu Plus. Hey. Most of my best friends.

Like my best friends from high school and college. Oh, that's great. They're all at Hulu Plus now. Yeah, it's great. Hulu Plus is more than just Hulu.com. You get access to thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. You can get it on your TV, your phone, your tablet, your what have yous. What do you got?

You got Community, Saturday Night Live, South Park. You got all those Criterion movies. I think that's a really cool thing to get on Hulu Plus. Yeah, I think that's great. We got a nice little they gave us some nice Hulu Plus freebie accounts as part of this promotion.

Great to go back and watch some of those Criterion movies. You missed Stagecoach. Grey Gardens. Speaking of, by the way, speaking of freebie accounts, go to huluplus.com forward slash JJ Go. Yeah, you can get one too. Yeah, you'll get one too.

You get a couple weeks free on us. It's only $8 a month, $7.99 a month, Hulu Plus. It's great. I don't have Wi-Fi. I get to watch it on my phone. Yeah. I don't even need a computer to watch TV anymore. No, you just hang out, watch TV on your phone.

It's a great viewing experience. Hey, and if you go to the- Especially for a Criterion movie. Yeah. See it as the filmmaker intended. On a four-inch screen. Yeah. Yeah.

So our thanks. Makes us look good, too, if you go to that link, huh? Our thanks to them. Yeah, absolutely. HuluPlus.com slash JJ Go. Hey, I'm doing it right now. Can I mention one other thing? You're not.

I'm not a liar. We have an L.A. show coming up. We do. L.A. Podfest, October 4th through 6th. We're going to be on Sunday the 6th at the Delfina Ballroom. Oh, that's cool.

Not trying to brag. That's great. But that's a really nice ballroom. Also where my sister's wedding is taking place. So if you're coming to Los Angeles or you live in Los Angeles,

hit the LA PodFest. It's lapodfest.com. We'll have that information on our website at maximumfun.org. Yeah, have that information on our website at MaximumFun.org. Yeah, we'd like to have a great big crowd and we'll enjoy doing that. Come on out. Be crazy. What do you think? Do a little contest?

We're totally going to do a contest. Maybe we'll have some special guests. Like a wet t-shirt contest? Yeah, dudes only. Yep. That's the only kind of wet t-shirt contest I'm interested in. Yeah. Dudes only. Okay, one more thing. A couple weeks ago on the show, we had a Jumbotron for Local Legends, the sort of Woody Allen-style black-and-white independent feature film. I misspelled the URL, so I'm going to re-spell it.

It is on the YouTube channel of Moturn Media, M-O-T-E-R-N, Motern Media. Go on your YouTube and search for Motern Media, and you'll find it there. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And if you want to sponsor our smash hit program, go just send an email to Teresa at MaximumFun.org. By the way, we just got back from Edinburgh and London. Thank you so much to all the awesome people who came out to our shows. Yeah, way to go, guys. Great crowds at all three of our shows.

Fucking tremendous time. In a couple weeks on this show, we're going to give you a little highlights package. Pack our two Jordan Jesse Go shows into one. Thanks to all of our awesome guests who came out. Look, we issued the decree. Everyone in all of Europe is required to come to these programs or they would be on our shit list. We had a guy who came from the fucking Czech Republic. Yeah.

It works, Shelby. Yeah, because they did not need any more guff. No. They didn't need any more shit. Yeah, we don't need to be on a shit list. That's the last thing we need right now. Send somebody out to that damn podcast. Trying to get Yugoslavia back still.

Exactly. So all I can say about that is thank you very much. We really appreciate it. That's awesome of you. And thanks to everybody who's been watching and sharing our Thousand Cones video. Yeah. We get so much awesome, positive response.

Send it to your favorite blog, MaximumFun.org slash 1,000 Cones with the number 1-0-0-0. Watch it. Laugh. Feel warm in your heart. I'm really proud of it. I think it's a really good thing. So go watch it and put it on your Facebook. Send it to somebody.

All that kind of shit. Somebody put it on like a, send it to somebody, all that kind of shit. Somebody put it on like a BuzzFeed. Get it up on BuzzFeed. What is it? BuzzFeed? Like a BuzzFlur. I'm trying to mix BuzzFeed and Tumble. What kind of website?

BuzzFlur. What kind of website? Just drop a vowel. What kind of teenager look at, Shelby? Like probably PokemonStar.com or maybe some kind of... I do like Pokemon, though. Cool. Great. Cool. So Pokemon... Shelby, I do like Pokemon, though. Cool. Great.

Cool. So Pokemon... What's that thing when someone draws... Like Google? Draws a combination of two Pokemon? Oh. Oh, wait. I do know what you mean.

Like the dream evolution type thing that people make up. Dream evolution. Is that not... That's a thing. Is it called dream evolution? You can go to a website and they'll give you a picture of Pokemon and you can pick two that you would have loved to have seen make a new Pokemon together. And then you click generate and they'll make you what it would look like. This is the most engaged Shelby has been all show.

Her face is lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. She's excited. She's generating. Can you imagine the code that it would take to make Pokemon fuck like that? Oh man, you don't have to convince. You can barely get pandas to fuck.

You just put some peanut butter on Charizard's dick and they just go right to town. That's the only Pokemon I know is Charizard. Is that a Pokemon? Charizard. Charizard?

Get it? Like lizard. Who would you like to see, Shelby? Who would you like to see mate with Charizard? In a dream world. In a dream evolution situation. You know what, mate? Oh, lizard scales.

I was going to say Ponyta, but I think that would be terrifying. Yeah. But it might be like a horse dragon oh okay yeah Ponita you know what

I got some peanut butter here let's make this happen yeah we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse go la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, a new nickname every time. Yeah, the first nickname was great. Oh, Shelby. God. Or was it Teen Sweetheart?

It's America's Most Beloved Teen. Oh. Or just Beloved Teen. Okay. Shelby Farrow, Beloved Teen. She is a Beloved Teen. By her parents. That's why she became a comedian.

Yeah. On this program, Shelby, we like to occasionally dip into something we call straight talk for teens. This is where we turn our chairs backwards. Flip around the cap. And – To show people that we're relatable. Yeah. We really get into the important shit that's important to young people who are important to us.

And we don't pull any punches. We send the teachers out of the room. Oh. There's no wrong answers. You keep a lot of teachers in this room. And we always use a condom. We always use a condom. We like to set a good example.

It's not very fun. We really try and – here's the thing. Jordan and I are very successful. I'm not trying to brag. Sure. We've both been on-air talent in the field of television. We earn a lot of money podcasting. Recently, I was retweeted by someone on Twitter where their avatar is just a picture of cleavage.

Oh. You made it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My public radio show is listened to by neo-soul singer Amel LaRue. Oh. So neither of us is sweating it. Yeah.

And I think there's no doubt that you are every bit as successful as we are. I mean, I'd probably say more, but. You've got more fans than both of us put together. I don't know. I would just love to hear just a quick list of your accomplishments i mean i think it's sort of like you know you know how in physics there's like potential energy and stuff like if you lift it up to a high place so you're like a rubber band that's been pulled back all the way i think it's like that where it's almost like i don't need to have things i've already done because it's so clear it's

building up doing so much more. You sort of are accomplishment. Yeah. It is in you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say that. Accomplishment is deep inside you. So you have these inevitable accomplishments that will eclipse us. Sort of like minority reporting success almost.

Like a precog situation. Yeah, successful. Now, you're a teenager, but I think it's fair to say that a lot of teenagers look up to you, right? I'm very tall for my age. Yeah. So I think this is the perfect time for a new variation on Straight Talk for Teens. It's called Straight Talk for Teens, Teen to Teen. The two.

The number two. Exactly. We do have some teens who have asked us for their advice. Exactly. We do have some teens who have asked us for their advice. And Shelby, I hope you can help us by bringing a teenager's perspective to this prickly and painful time in a young hedgehog's life. He's just starting to get his spine. He's confused. He's mostly soft now.

He's confused. I'm so happy about that. Okay. Here's the first thing. This is from David. He's writing on behalf of the teens of England and France. How do we know they're teens? That's a good teen confirmation. We need some sort of teen confirmation.

Well, we send them a beer, and if they don't drink it, they're a teen. And if they do drink it, they're grounded. They're a team. They're a team. And if they do drink it, they're grounded. They're super chill. Here's something from David. Are you a teen or are you super chill? Should razor scooters be used in skate parks or only skateboards and BMX bikes? Well, serious note, do skate parks actually have rules about what type of stuff they'll allow in? Or is it more just like a social – is he asking from like a social aspect? I tried to ride in one time on like a motocross bike.

They were not having it. Not having it. Yeah, my Prius. Kick me out immediately. I know. And so ecologically, I mean that is like – That's – I said it. Yeah.

You don't want to act like I'm better than you. Do you think they're weird that you were hitting the kids? Do you think they were weird about that? Or do you think they just hate Priuses and the environment? I mean, I'm going to have to go with the second one. How could it possibly be the first? Can I just say fucking SUV people, right? SUV people.

Thank you. Enjoy your Humvee. Yeah. Have fun in your Humvee, your military vehicle. While the Air Force has a bake sale and everything from the bumper sticker. There you go. Oh, but I do think that seeing someone terrible on a skateboard is probably super cool if you actually could maybe do some really tight shit on a razor scooter. But you're still on a razor scooter.

Jordan, you worked in action sports. Is there anything cool that can be done on a razor scooter? Well, here's – and I think, Shelby, you hit upon something is that the thing that you have to do on the razor scooter has to look so cool to cancel out the fact that you're on a razor scooter. I mean, I would say to these teens that if you are going to go into the skate park, which I mean, you know, is a scene, you know, it's about it's about branding. It's about it. Sure. It's about meeting hot chicks.

Yeah, exactly. Getting good grades. Right. Obeying your parents. Going to bed on time. Not very obey. There good grades. Right. Obeying your parents. Going to bed on time. Shepard Fairey, obey. There you go. Your parents.

Not having stringy, oily hair. So, yeah, I think just if you're going to roll into the skate park on a razor scooter, make sure there's at least one other kid there who's riding something wussier than you. Like a Segway? Yeah, like a Segway. Is there a kid on a Segway with a helmet? Some rollerblades. Yeah, rollerblades.

One of those inflatable pool alligators. Those are cool, too. I think that there – I think you shouldn't because the majority of teens will spit on you. But I do think that people who are actually super, super cool and really into doing cool stuff probably wouldn't say no to any type of vehicle to, like, do tricks. So from Shelby Farrow's lips to your ears, super cool dudes are into all types of vehicles. They're just looking for the next rush, man. Oh, jeez. You know, yeah.

Who cares if it's just bouncing around on a yoga ball? They're just looking for the next rush, man. Oh, jeez. You know, yeah. Kind of. Who cares if it's just bouncing around on a yoga ball? If that's where you get juiced. Can I kickflip a yoga ball? I'm going to try. Maybe. Maybe. Seriously.

How do you know if you don't try? How about this? You be you. Do you. Just do you. If when you do you, you're doing it in an old-timey diving bell suit, sure. Go for it as long as somebody's pumping. There you go.

That's my life motto. As long as somebody's pumping. Well, if we're going to go to pumping, what about hobo hand train cart? Oh. I'd like to see you take one of those off the lip. Being good at anything is cool. Oh, I agree. You know what I mean? I'm going to see you take one of those off the lip. Being good at anything is cool. Oh, I agree. You know what I mean?

I'm going to go a step farther. I think being bad at anything is cool. You know what? I'm not going to lie to you. Your stupidness negated my great point. When we had Matt Riccardo, the variety artist and juggler on Jordan Jesse Go in Edinburgh, I thought his weird juggling shit was kind of cool. Totally.

He's so good at it. Being that good at something is cool. It's because it's not the thing that you're good at is cool. It's just the fact that you as a human can genuinely put in that time and energy to something and learn such a hard skill.

That's what's cool. That's why if you look at the fucking cover of any magazine right now, what do you see? Dudes that make sand mandalas. Okay. Incredibly detailed model train towns. Christian writes in to ask, I only have one month and a half until I'm 20.

How do I enjoy my last times as a wild teen? We could hook up and do a bucket list type scenario. Yeah. Yeah. I only have a month and a half. Teen bucket list. I. Yeah.

Well, I mean, Shelby, any plans? You know what I've been thinking a lot about is. Pokemon breeding. Clearly. Ninety percent. I do. I do not want to be in my early 20s because I can still make fun of people in their early 20s for some reason. Wait, what's funny about people in their early 20s?

Yeah. They are no fun. It's not like they're the worst or anything. Yeah. I think we just got to like pack in – pack that in maybe, pack in some hate. I got to be angsty still. Yeah. I think.

Maybe you can do some light moping? Yeah, you know, just sort of some like meh. Is there any like pot smoking beyond the high school type stuff that you're disappointed you haven't done? You're feeling regretful? I'm too tired to be regretful, I think. Right. You know? Sleepiness is going to get in the way of that pot smoking.

Yeah. I could smoke this joint or I could nap. Yeah, those are mutually exclusive. One or the other. Keep your day streamlined. Sure. Yeah, you don't want to muck it up too much. So what is there to do when you're a teenager, like kind of specifically?

Fuck. Oh, I'm straight fucking right now. Yeah. I got my fuck on when I was a teen that was like the best part of being a teenager just just sexuality TFing

you have so much sexuality inside you sure I miss that they didn't flip they didn't flip the switch oh really they didn't pack it in

oh gosh but I do I do think there is something where if you're a teenager I think the thing that people always think like oh I wish I was a teenager again is because you get really stupidly into things when you're a teenager and then you do dumb stuff like, ooh, do your hair. Or like get really into a subgenre of something that later you're like, oh, that was dumb and I was just funneling this other emotion onto it because I was repressing that emotion. And so that can be – you know what I mean? So you want to go back to the time when you could blindly get into it.

But if you're a teenager who can't blindly get into it, you have nothing. There is nothing for you to do. You're not even a teen. Yeah. You're hardly a teen. Did you have any good periods of overenthusiastic interest in anything as a teen? I mean like maybe just comedy. It's just still writing.

Yeah. Whoops. It wasn't just a phase. Sorry, Dad. comedy. It's just still writing. Yeah. Whoops. It wasn't just a phase. Sorry, Dad. You forgot to get rid of that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think goofy.

I mean, you know, obviously there are great improvisers of all ages. But I mean, like maybe like a goofy high school improv team. Like one where you play a lot of games where you put bags on each other's heads. Maybe everybody's wearing matching sports uniforms. Oh. So there's that kind of extra special goofy high school improv, you know, before you turn into a bunch of— I'd like to keep that. Wouldn't you after 20?

After the big 2-0? Yeah, probably shouldn't. A little bit? Probably shouldn't. I mean, then, you know, you can do improv, but you're going to want to do it in some skinny jeans and a zip-up hoodie. Yeah, I shouldn't. Illegal fireworks. That could be something I could totally. Oh, is there anything? Because we can legally be tried as adults now. But is there anything that maybe under 20 would be a less? I don't think there's a separation between 19 and 20 for anything. Get drafted.

Yeah, sure. Get drafted now. I say get drafted. That's my recommendation. I say get drafty. Open a window. Okay, we have one more. That's the song of the summer.

Get drafty. We have one more question That's the song of the summer, Get Drafty. We have one more question. This is from Joshua. I'm starting college soon. Of course, there will be a bunch of girls there. Can I open up that window? No. I'm starting college soon. Of course, there will be a bunch of girls there. A whole pack of them. Should I look to get into a relationship this year or play the field? Oh, boy.

Number one. He's a keeper. I think it's pretty fair to say that you're already quite the playboy. Sure. You are already crushing it. I think that's a safe presumption on our part. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think

as long as you have a label maker, you can have your cake and eat it too. Can I tell you, I, you know, I had my fair share of girlfriends in high school. But I've also been dating the woman who is now my wife since I was 17, since I was a senior in high school. Oh, really?

Yeah. And we didn't go to college in the same place. And while we tried, we sort of broke up when we went away to college. We weren't really into it. Neither of us was really into it. And then we decided to stay together. And that really stunk. And I don't recommend it for anyone despite the fact that it really paid off for me.

And so you just got to play it as it lies. I feel like if – Are you just bragging about finding your soulmate? What? You don't have your soulmate? What? You don't have a soulmate? Am I supposed to have one now? I was trying to... Some of us might die alone, Jesse.

I was trying to segue into you guys telling the stories of you finding your soulmates. No, Jesse, that's not like... I already did. It was when that picture of cleavage retweeted me. That was it.

That's as close as I've come. A guy once gave me like a free – this is stupid. A barista once gave me a free cookie at Starbucks. Hey. I actually thought – This is it. All right. Lock this down.

Yeah. You started making your Spotify playlist for your wedding. I say – All boingo. I say you got to get out there and you got to do your thing. See what happens. Sure. Don't let the idea that you might accidentally fall in love with someone or like don't set up this big complicated thing.

Yeah. Just hang out. Yeah. Just hang out with some cute chicks. Sure. See if they want to make out. Look. Yeah, I agree.

Yeah. Okay. You said you sounded like you had a contrary point you said look great point we were wrong whatever it takes to hang out with cute chicks do whatever it takes put yourself in a position that's the and i think people forget my like my advice to people is i'm like just don't fuck anyone for like four weeks let the dust settle like let like just let everyone's waste their dust there's a lot of dust at colleges now um or conversely fucking get in on those four weeks fuck as much as you want but then know that that's what you did you know what i mean oh you mean when he gets to college oh yeah oh wait sorry what was the question we're talking about it right before he gets to college what was his question his question is he gets to college, should he play the field or get into a relationship?

Oh, I thought it was right. I thought he was asking I'm about to go to college right when I get there. Yeah. Like for my freshman year, should I play the field or get into a relationship? Oh, I thought it was in the time in between. Oh, is it? Were you with Shelby, Jordan? I was with Shelby.

Yeah. I thought he was asking like, oh, what's the freshman year of college way to play? Oh, just get your fuck on, bro. Come on, dude. Put a sock on the door. Jesse's high-fiving everyone in Los Angeles

right now. Former mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa. I just remember, all I remember from the first six months of college is just being like dude all these people are fucking and my heart's not in it or i'd be out there fucking too yeah it was such a bummer no that's got to be heart in the fuck yeah well

look you can i don't want you to i don't want you spite fucking anyone i don't want you doing don't fuck someone because you lost your car keys i kind of need a place to stay you know i only want you to fuck people that you like and choose to fuck yeah but and who like you and choose to fuck you but i want you to uh you know use protection sure if you're emotionally secure enough and not and and it's like the same way i feel about like you know maybe like alcohol words like if you're just using it not – it's like the same way I feel about like maybe like alcohol where it's like if you're just using it, not needing it, go for it. What point am I trying to make? You think you're trying to admit that you're an alcoholic?

Yeah. You're having a hard time making the words. Yeah. I mean I think that if – in this day and age, like you don't – you can't lose touch with someone because of your Facebooks and whatnot. So I think that like if you're going to be together with someone, it will probably just happen. I don't think you need to make a little plan in advance. I'm confused that in his head he might find someone who he really, really loves or really, really likes, doesn't want to put love on it yet.

Yeah. They seem to really reciprocate and want to be in a really healthy relationship. And he would be like, what do I do? Boy. Yeah. I know. Like, what? But these podcast guys said to get my fuck on.

There's like 20 chicks lined up where they're both standing there like, which one? Sure. He'll probably run into that problem. And this happens to a lot of our listeners where you're in a relationship. You're committed to someone. All you want is to, when you make love, is to have it be with that person. But you keep accidentally making love with other people. Because there's just so many things.

Because they're like right up. Well, you lost your glasses too. Well, it's like they're almost like conniving. It's like a Mr. Magoo situation. Yeah. So mixed bag. No, but I say you guys just got to do what you got to do. Feel it out.

Yeah. Yeah. I do appreciate that he has the confidence to not even put in a third option of what if there's nothing. Sure. What if there's nothing? Sure. You know, I stayed together with my high school girlfriend my first year of college and really kicked myself for it for a long time. Really just, like, felt bad about it.

I'm like, ah, what did I do? Ah, I wasted a whole year. But here's the thing. You can just have a fuckfest whenever. Yeah. Just because it's in a dorm doesn't make it better because it's in a dorm. Although, have you been into a dorm? They are just writhing. No, they are.

Sure. Undulating constantly. So, yeah. I say don't worry too much about it. You can have flingy casual sex at any point in life, especially if you're a senior citizen. If you've ever lived in a convalescent home. So, yeah. Don't worry about it.

You can have a relationship. You can have a lot of hookups at any time in your life. Where you're living or what you're doing doesn't really make any difference. I boned, like, what, seven people just walking into here? I wasn't counting. Yeah. But it did seem like more than half a dozen. It was, like, a little extravagant.

It was extravagant, especially because of the oysters you ate while you were doing it. Well, and all the costume changes. You're like Dolly Parton in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. It's not going to be like a subpar experience. Like, what? I have an image to maintain. No, I understand. I thought that the nude, oiled men who bore you in on that sedan chair might have been a little Rococo, if you know what I mean.

I mean, I don't fuck those guys. Those are just— No, I understand. They're eunuchs. I thought the fact that they had their balls cut off was part of what made it a bit over the top. I was like, well, do what you got to do. Why did you— You look past the oiled men to the comedy guys in tight jeans and zip-up hoodies.

Maybe some weird beards. I go, bring me them. Yes. Bring me the beardos. Beardos. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Shelby Farrow, teen sweetheart. Shelby, it's been a joy to have you on the program. We very much appreciate you taking the time to be here. Oh, thank you. Would you please leave? Get the fuck out of here. Get your oiled Unix.

Go back to my metered parking spot. Get your oiled Unix. Go back to my metered parking spot. Look, if you were listening, if you last week, this is a message to Jordan Jesse Go listeners. If last week you were upset because there was no Jordan Jesse Go, because we were traveling internationally to service our international fans. Oh, do you guys do this every week? Is it? Yeah.

You keep on schedule? We've been doing this show every week for seven years. That's fantastic. I know. We're fantastic. Where am where am i oh it's you're in what the wiccans call the the non-time the non-time it's a yeah um i uh if if last week you were like oh man where's my new jordan jesse go i just want you to know that you really love Jordan, Jesse go. It's important to you.

And I would like you to express that this week by telling a friend about it. It seems like a fun idea, but it would feel really good. And your friends would thank you for turning them on to such a cool podcast. But that's type of person who goes, Oh, my favorite podcast wasn't on last week. Want to kill myself.

You might be like, well, that guy's weird taste. I'd to kill myself. You might be like, well, that guy has weird taste. I'd be worried. If you wanted to kill your – if self-harm was part of the story you were telling yourself about us – You'd still want them to tell a friend? I will. Just leave out the killing yourself thing.

No, include that. Okay. If you have been thinking about hurting yourself, I want you to tell a friend, somebody that you can trust to intervene. And do it in the frame of a podcast reference. No, you don't have to mention which podcast it was. How about this? Talk about our podcast with your therapist.

Right. If you're in medical care, mention it to that person. And don't mention that it's our podcast. Use a different podcast as an example. They should say the word podcast and some form of Jesse or Jordan or Go, but like kind of mixed in so that way that other person still subliminally wants to check it out, but it doesn't get tied to the suicide directly.

Just say, I want to, I've been thinking about harming myself because I missed an episode of my favorite podcast from the Ace Podcasting Network. Doesn't matter which one it is. Got it. Probably not Alison Rosen. Yeah. No, she's lovely. You know, one of the ones about cars or whatever.

Sure. And then you say, coincidentally. I didn't kill myself. I didn't kill myself. I didn't kill myself. One of the reasons I didn't is because Jordan and Jesse go. However, I do still need medical care. I want you to get the care that you need. I don't – whatever you tell this person, I don't want them to think that you're cured because the truth is you're not.

You're in a dangerous place and we want you to get help. But at the same time, you guys have to make a living. So if that guy could also mention the podcast. Oh, and then say to the doctor, I love pills. Num, num, num. Eat them all up. Oh, that's just fun. Yeah.

I think that your point that we do have to make a living is a really good one. And because our chosen career is as a buyer and seller of corpses for medical research. Oh, I didn't choose that. You were born into it. I was born into it. It was a family business. My dad left it to me.

And coincidentally, we sold his corpse. It's what's called the circle of life. Did he just say someday this will all be yours? It's what's called the circle of life. Did he just say someday this will all be yours? This is full of organs. That was almost as good as my hedgehog remark.

Yes, almost as good. Almost as good. Almost as good. Oh, okay. Look, the moral of the story is mental illness is no laughing matter. Corpse selling, though. Kind of funny. In all sincerity, if you missed the show last week, please do tell somebody about it. Even if you didn't.

Even if you didn't even notice we were gone for a week, do tell somebody about it. That's the only way we can grow this program. Look, this isn't some high concept show that sells itself. We don't have a tale of redemption like our friend Marc Maron. We don't have, mostly seems to be tale of redemption and being Marc Maron that are the things that work. There's no cats here. We don't have our own television program. Our television program got canceled. Both of our television programs got canceled.

Sure. All three of the television programs that we've had in the time that we've done this podcast have been canceled. Well, you know, I have been on an episode of Scandal and that's doing quite well. Oh, okay. Fair enough. Probably because of the Jordan Jesse Goh fans. Yeah, okay. Fair enough. Probably because of the Jordan-Jessie Go fans. Yeah, totally. I've sold like half over, over a dozen pilots.

Oh, wow. So like 13 or 14? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That would be it. Like a baker's dozen then? Yeah, like a little over. So yeah, like a 14.

14. So a little more than a baker's dozen. All the pilots are about bakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called baker's dozen. Going cronuts is what it's called. Oh. Very hip.

Very now. But yeah, seriously, write something about Jordan Jesse. Go on your fucking blog. Do it. Right? That's not too much to ask. Write a little Facebook thing. Say why you like it.

People aren't going to take a, people aren't just going to try it. Yeah, and you don't have to make a bit with it either because that'll put, that may be off-putting. People will just go, hey, this podcast's great. Yeah. And then podcast great yeah and then say it in that kind of blasé way yeah like you don't have to be like oh sorry for being sincere guys like just say it just say it take an ambient first yeah chill out we find that it helps becomes when we're recording the podcast okay look shelby farrow you can find her on comedy stages across Southern California and occasionally Northern California. Once in a while.

At Shelby Farrow on Twitter. You can watch Chosen coming to FXX in January. Watch Chosen coming to FXX in January. That's probably a fun thing to watch. You know what I recommend you do right now? Go to the website where you find out if you get FXX. If you don't, find out how to get it because you can watch our friend Shelby Farrow. Tell your cable provider.

You can watch our friend W. Kamau Bell, great old pal of this program. He's going to be on that FXX. A lot of great shows. Always sunny. You don't want to miss that. The League starring our friend Paul Scheer. Fantastic. Well, okay.

I guess I was going to say we've moved past people who have at all been affiliated with the show. But I guess Paul Scheer's been on the show. Just people we... Yeah. Rerun of Taken. The TV edit of Taken. You can catch that on FXX. That's going to be on regular FXX.

Probably just on regular FXX. Okay. That's going to be on the old FXX. Horton Hears a Who. That's what you'll see on FXX. That's going to be on regular FXX. Okay. That's going to be on the old FXX. Horton Hears a Who. That's what you'll see on FXX. I think so. That's comedy. Wait.

Horton Hears a Who is going to be on FXX? I think so. Probably. It's comedy. Gritty comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. I'll buy that. I'll buy that. One of those movies where Ice Cube has to take care of a bunch of rambunctious kids. Oh, yeah. Are we there yet? That'll be on FXX. Like you don't know the name.

Well, there's so many of them. I didn't want to single out just the one movie where Ice Cube. Yeah, the lexicon. Yeah. Our producer, Sunny D, on the boards. Thank you to Brian Fernandez. Thanks to Hulu Plus, where you can binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. Binge, baby, binge.

I think Spaced is on there. HuluPlus.com forward slash JJ Go. You know what you can get is, oh, what's this wonderful Irish guy? And he was from the IT crowd. Chris O'Dowd? Chris O'Dowd has a great show that I just heard about that's on there. Oh, Family Tree? No, this is a great show that is his show.

No, this is a great show. This is a great show that is his show from the UK. Possibly from Ireland. Maybe he produced it in Ireland? Yeah, I'll watch that show. It's a show that he created. It's called Moon Something. Oh, Moonstruck or Moon Boy. Moon Boy. Oh yeah, I'll watch this shit. I'll fuck with that. Moonstruck might

be on there. We don't know. Very Cher movies might be on there. The point is Hulu.com slash JJ Go. HuluPlus.com slash JJ Go. Go to it. You get free Hulu. Tell somebody about our show. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

Here's Alan Thicke. Said my mind was what you wanted Thank you. But what you saw in me was something unique, a sensitive intellect. But now you've met some new guy at the gym. And you have a giant with a choice of neighbor now. And he's been getting fresh. Don't you let him ready or not. I'm coming, baby. I've got some muscle for you.

Sweaty and hot. I'm pumping iron. And when I'm done, you're going to take me to have some big time fun. Oh, darling, I work my body out just for you. I'm not a chicken any longer. I know I'm not still 24. I have had my nights and I have plenty more. Spectacular. Cardiovascular, ready or not, I'm coming baby, I've got some muscle for you, sweaty or hot, I'm hungry, I've been working on my deltoids, I got my biceps up real good, I'll have to keep this little gluteus

I hope I'm not too tired I'm in the mood for a day or two And I would climb up every mountain I'd ride my bike, I'd cycle for days You'd know I'd run a million miles And I don't know when I'm done You either look or you want to get ready I'll be your toned-up suntan guy. I'll have Jane Ponder's pod working out just for you.

Ready or not. Thank you.