Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 290: Plush Husky with Liz Feldman

Episode Date: September 9, 2013

Comedian and writer Liz Feldman joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's horder neighbor, Terry Gross' cat, and the new website Lulu.  Plus, Joe Blubaugh, winner of the full chort license plate contest comes by for a visit.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan. Yes. I think I would be the first to admit, largely because I hear about it from our listeners, I would be the first to admit, largely because I hear about it from our listeners, that too many recent Jordan Jessico programs have begun simply with me reciting the current weather conditions outside of our studio.

Yes. However, I feel the current weather conditions outside of our studio bear mentioning. Is it something out of the ordinary? It's extraordinarily hot, Jordan. It's so hot that I am angry to be alive, angry to be in the world. Now, let me ask you this. Here's been my policy dealing with the heat. Okay.

I want to hear your policy. As soon as I get home, I am just in my underwear as quickly as possible. I'm wondering as a married man, as a man with a child who needs an example set for him, can you just immediately strip down and splay out on the couch? To teach my child a lesson about what you do when it gets hot outside? Right. Or who has the biggest dick in the house? It's hot outside. Right. Or who has the biggest dick in the house? Two lessons.

That's a double lesson. That's what we call a, that's what Aesop would call a double whammy. You know, I, my house has windows in the main living space that don't have curtains, which makes it particularly hot. But it also means that I'm not 100% certain my weird neighbor's surveillance cameras can't see inside. Oh, you have surveillance neighbors. I do. Joe Rogan? I have one surveillance neighbor. No, he doesn't have – I know he's not Joe Rogan because he doesn't have a Joe Rogan-like physique.

And also he wasn't on news radio. Okay. Those are two good clues. Let's introduce our guest before we get into my surveillance neighbor. No, no. Just keep talking to yourself. Liz Feldman, writer, actress, comedian. It's a pleasure to have you on the program.

Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be in this tiny hot box with you on this incredibly hot day. Well, buckle down. It's only going to get hotter. Nice. A couple Liz Feldman fun facts. Oh. Nice.

A couple Liz Feldman fun facts. Oh. You are one of several guests we've had that I have been a subservient to. Yes. I was a PA on The Ellen DeGeneres Show when Liz was a writer. And I believe I built you an Ikea desk, which fell apart. I'm glad that that's something that you feel that you can brag about. Yeah.

It sounded a little – I was meaning it to be kind of an apology. Oh, no. I appreciate that. But I think I sounded like a – I think what was missing was like a I'm sorry element. Sure. To your apology. You know, before you even apologize, I should apologize to you because I don't remember that. What I do remember is that you brought me coffee every morning.

It's true. Well, I'm glad you remember the coffee and not the – I remember the true subservience on a daily basis rather than just that one time of building me a very shitty desk. You know, I find that just seeing Jordan in the morning is enough to give me some pep in my step. You know, I did enjoy you as a – you were an intern or a PA? A PA, yeah. He was getting paid. Yeah, okay.

I was on the payroll. I'm glad. I'm glad. Come Christmas time, they let me pick something out of the prize closet. Oh, and by the way, that was probably the biggest perk of the job, that prize closet. Oh, mega perk. Is that where you guys got your Pontiac Aztecs? It's actually where I got my Xbox 360.

See? Yeah. I got a wonderful hairdryer. Oh, that sounds nice. No wonder you have such superb volume. You know what? I appreciate that. It's also the intense humidity in this tiny hot box that we're in.

But no, that was an amazing perk. I think I got a massage chair, too, from that. Wow. I should not be admitting this. I guess Ellen does something every year during Christmas where she gives the whole studio audience a certain product. The 12 days of giveaways. 12 days of giveaways. Yes.

So yeah, and then some of the employees get the overflow. Yes. I don't believe that we're supposed to admit to that. Oh, OK. But I guess you never want to work for her again. Oh, man, I just fucked myself. But no, you know, to be totally honest, I remember you well. And I remember thinking, this boy's got a promise, or at least his hair does.

Thank you. Thank you. And when you say he has promise, you meant just as a side gag. No, not just as a side gag. I guess, you know, funny you should say that. The only time I ever appeared on camera while working for Ellen was as one of the dancing elves during the 12 Days of Giveaways. I remember. Okay.

Yeah, I remember. I felt bad for you at that time, but I also thought, hey. Well, it felt bad to do it. Yeah, no. It was just bad all around. But anyway, so I'm glad to see that you've moved on to greener pastures. Yeah. Getting out of syndicated network TV and into podcasting.

That's where the money is. The future is on the internet. The information superhighway. Al Gore, wiring schools. Oh, Liz Feldman, fun fact number two. Oh. You are married to former Jordan Jesse Goh musical guest Rachel Cantu. Oh, yes.

Who I went to high school with. That's exactly right. I am married to her. It's like you're married to Jordan's high school. Yeah, go capo go. Cougar by marriage. Oh, is that right? We're the Cougars, yes.

Are you the Cougars? I'm also older than Rachel, so I thought you were just commenting on that. But yes, no, she's a lovely wife. I'll keep her. And I remember her saying that you guys went to high school together. Sure. Yeah. Anyway.

Well, now that we've covered all that, let's get back to my strange neighbor. I don't know how fun those facts were, but yeah. Okay, great. Yes, your neighbor. So my neighbor, we've discussed the fact that I purchased a home next to a man who uses his home as a sort of junkyard, an airsats junkyard. It's full of scaffoldings. There is what appears to be, and I'm not 100% certain of this, but the table that you put a corpse on to cool down. It's like a metal table with little holes in it.

It's a corpse table. You got it. A corpse chiller. Yeah, absolutely. There's all kind of weird stuff in his house. He doesn't really live there. He has another house somewhere. I think that your neighbor is a ghost.

That's possible. I don't think he's a person at all. That's possible. Yeah, and I think that he's gotten deep inside you. If he's a ghost. Oh, so you think Jesse's been possessed by the ghost? I mean, something. I mean, is he a hoarder or is he –

It's not quite – I mean it's very unsightly. But it's not – it doesn't appear dangerous or compulsive. OK. had a house that they considered to be extra and they had a scaffold business or company or just a lot of excess scaffolding. Or maybe. And it didn't occur to them that they could sell the house and buy a scaffold holding area. And so for that reason, they decided, well, I got this extra house.

I got all these scaffolds. This is the perfect place to keep them. I was going to say maybe the scaffolding is his design choice. Oh, like it's a wabi-sabi, like the art is in how it breaks down and rusts in the backyard. I can see that. You know, I kind of sympathize with this guy. I just moved into a new apartment and it's almost twice as big as my old apartment. Congratulations.

And I still have my old apartment's worth of stuff. And so I have all this space and I'm like, this looks weird. I don't know, bookshelf? So maybe this guy feels weird about this other house. You know, he feels like he's wasting the space and he's like, ah, scaffolding. Yeah. I think that's probably what it is. Probably what happened is he acquired this second home and he thought he was going to

use for vacations and so on and so forth. Do you live in a vacation area? Los Angeles, California. Well, I mean, what, you know, Palm Beach part of town. I mean, is it a, is it a Hollywood walk of fame? Oh, great. Well, who wouldn't want a vacation home? Yeah, a lot of people vacation there. Jesse's house is actually above the Hard Rock Cafe. Oh, great. Well, who wouldn't want a vacation home? Yeah, a lot of people vacation there.

Jesse's house is actually above the Hard Rock Cafe. Oh, perfect. Yeah, so it's really ideal. I don't live – no, I think this guy – People get confused because you have that big collection of Steven Tyler scarves. Yeah. So if tourists are coming in, they want to see the scarves, and you're like, you're in my home. It has been intimated to me that the man who lives next door to me's profession, and this is by neighbors, it has been intimated to me that his profession may be making friends with elderly people and then inheriting their homes from them.

Listen, that's a great profession. He's a hustler. Is this a producer's situation? Oh, you mean like is he putting on musicals about Hitler? Yes, is this a Hitler musical? No. But that's the first part of the producers, right? Is he's –

My neighbor used to own my house, which he inherited from an old man. And I used to live next door. And so I know about this old guy who was a hoarder, had hoarded himself out of his home and was actually literally living on the street next to his home because there was no more room inside of his house. He was living in his car. But you know what I appreciate about that? If you're going to go big, go big. Yeah, for real.

If you're going to hoard, hoard. Yeah, fucking hoard with a capital, what the fuck are you doing? Like, yes. You know, maybe all of our, you know, grandmas have an excess of Hummel figurines, but they're half-assing it yeah fucking get some newspapers i want so many hummels in there that you have to live on the street so that your hummels can sleep in your bed i want to see what it would be like if there was a dangerous hummel tsunami or hummel nami sure um so this guy hummelsels. Hummels. The guy— I thought you were going to say Hummel-nado.

Hummel. The guy— That is now immediately trending on Twitter. The guy lived next—the guy owned my house for a little while and then sold it to some people who fixed it up. And this guy, he's real questionable. He's been real nice to us. Because he's waiting for you to die. Yeah, I think that's what's going on. He's got an empty corpse table. And he's like for you to die. in the White City kind of deal. He has on top of his house, I think just because he's not there that often,

he's worried about people stealing his tables and scaffolds. He has a set of, a full on set of surveillance cameras that come out of his ceiling, out of his roof, excuse me, on like a six foot pole, six feet above his roof. He's got full surveillance of the entire area.

Is that legal? I mean, can you just do that? You can just set your cameras on your neighbors? That doesn't seem... I don't know. That seems like a privacy issue. I think if you don't have curtains closed, you don't have reasonable expectation of privacy. So this is the reason why you're not getting down to your undies as soon as you get home.

Exactly. I don't want to be rude. And also because your son's dick is bigger than yours. There's two reasons. Number one, my two-year-old has, I was going to say an enormous dick for a two-year-old, but really just a slightly larger than average penis for a two-year-old. And I have an astonishingly, almost alarmingly small penis. I, by the way, don't have a penis.

Jordan? Eh. Fair. Eh. Let's put it this way. Compared to Jordan, I do have a penis. So that's not going to work. But the thing that kills me is that when you have a two-year-old, two-year-olds need to do things or else they freak the fuck out.

And there's nothing you just – a two-year-old is not old enough to do almost any indoor out-of-the-house activity. All there is – there's one thing. There's this like indoor playground near our house called Awesome Playground. So I took him there. There was a kid there named Dillinger. No. That's a name? I thought that was pretty good.

Took it home to my wife. She told me the last time she was there, there was a kid there named Laser. Yes. Okay. What is the source of these weird names? Is this hipster parents? Yeah, this is hipster parents. So what happens is there's two sides.

I don't know if maybe Laser is some sort of ethnic name that I'm too dumb to know about. No, there's two sides of my neighborhood. I go to the hipster side. That's what you could call the Marin side. It's where Mark lives. And I visit this business, which is- Awesome playground. Yeah.

Okay. And on our side, it's a little bit of a different ethnic population, hipster level, et cetera. But that's it. Once you've done that, you can't just keep going back there because for one thing, it's expensive. And he's not like old enough to go to the movies. We literally- What about Riddick? No, he's not like old enough to go to the movies we literally this what about Riddick this no it's not quite old enough for Riddick although Riddick is almost action-packed enough for it I listen I highly recommend the butler um I don't know for a two-year-old specifically well you know you get a lot of history and then you don't have to

send them to sixth grade so the butler is just a whole sixth grade education. It's a sixth grade history and you get all your presidents, you get Oprah. He keeps saying to me, it's funny to say that. Lenny Kravitz is in it. He keeps saying to me, daddy, daddy, eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize, because he wants to watch the legendary PBS documentary Eyes on the Prize about the Civil Rights

Movement. This might be a faster way for him to get the same content. Yeah, and honestly, more entertaining, better wigs. Right. Sure. Yeah. I mean, the PBS wig budget is pitiful. It's pitiful.

They didn't even put a wig on Martin Luther King in that movie. Okay. So all we have left- Wait. What are you- Can we just paint a quick picture of Awesome Town, Awesome Playground? Awesome Playground. Okay.

Okay. So it's the size of a Awesome Playground? Awesome Playground. Okay. Okay. So it's the size of a large storefront. Mm-hmm. Okay. You know, a large storefront on a regular commercial street, not like a big box store or something like that. Sounds pretty good. Not awesome yet. Go on.

So-so playground, isn't it? Has padding on the ground, you know, like the kind of padding like a gymnastics mat. Sure. Sure, I was expecting that. I'll be honest. In the far back, there's a bounce house. Okay. In between, there's just some fucking, you know, play kitchen. Okay.

You know, like a play kitchen and just a shed. I guess they couldn't call it meh playground. I know. It really... When my wife Teresa told me about it... It's also in quotation marks. I guess they couldn't call it meh playground. I know. It really, when my wife Teresa told me about it. It's also been quotation marks. I mean, my God. I assumed that it was going to have ball pits.

Yeah. At the bare minimum. That was my first question was going to be, where's the fucking ball pit? No ball pits, no nothing. It's just all they're offering is you're indoors and it's air conditioned. And I think secondarily, honestly, I think to many of these parents they're offering, and unlike the park, the other children here are white. Which I think, you know, that's a sort of culturally problematic thing about Awesome Playground. Yeah, there's no sign that says that there, though.

No. No, you're thinking of the movie The Butler. Oh, you're right. You know, the original title of that movie i know there was some title disputes over that movie because there's i guess already the original title was awesome town oh really yeah i had heard that the original title was gerard butler yeah and then he didn't have as much heat anymore um he's made some bad career choices i heard the original title was butler with two t's but hyphen lure but obviously that's going to be the porn version of it no matter what happens.

That's true, yeah. So basically it's not a super remarkable place. It's just an air-conditioned place where you can take a toddler. Gotcha. And there will be other toddlers. And is it like very expensive to get in? It's annoyingly expensive. My wife bought a pass, so I don't know exactly how expensive it is, but I'm thinking like $10 a person or something.

For an adult too? Yeah. Like you're in the fucking bounce house? Well. You're in that play kitchen pretending like you're doing the work that you have to do at home? Got to get value for money. That's true. You might as well play while you're there.

So awesome playground. We already did that. That's out. So, awesome playground. We already did that. That's out. We're literally at the point where I just went on the internet, found the least expensive hotel within 30 miles of our house that has a hotel pool, and just fucking bought a hotel room for tonight. And we're just going to, because pool, any child under 12 will indefinitely use a pool.

My wife likes pools. I'm out $100. You know, it's no joke. $100? So you're like in Arcadia or some shit. You're like out in... Hey, you're getting a continental breakfast out of this, it sounds like. I'm in Pasadena. I'm not trying to brag.

Oh, okay. I'm at a Westin. Wow, heard of it. Yeah, four stars, folks. Wow. Heard of it. Yeah. Four stars, folks. Wow. $99. You're probably getting frequent traveler points for that, too.

Oh, I'm stacking those points. You could probably upgrade to a suite. You're getting a shitty chocolate by your bedside. I'll tell you that much. You got it. You got it. You know what I'm talking about. I know what you're talking about. Somebody's watching HBO and Cinemax tonight.

Hello, front desk? Yeah. I don't have a toothbrush. Can you bring me one? No, that's for five-star hotels only. Oh, okay. You don't have enough points? You have not accrued enough points?

Sorry. I thought... Please rent several cars at Avis. Oh, sorry. Sorry, I should bring a toothbrush? Yeah, bring a toothbrush. I didn't pack one. I mean, either earn more points or bring a toothbrush.

But I really... That's all that was left. That was the only arrow left in my quiver, and it's Saturday. Out of a one day, we're one day, three quarters of a day into the weekend. Do you think you'll take off your clothes and splay out at the Westin? Oh, yeah. No doubt about that. Yeah, you'll splay.

That's like the whole point. If you don't rub your balls on everything in a hotel room, what's the point of having stayed in a hotel? Well, I mean, I feel that same way about Awesome Playground. Just a waste. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, that might change your life. In-depth interviews with cultural creators, critics' picks for the best new releases, and a weekly recommendation from yours truly. It's Bullseye with me, Jesse Thorne, from MaximumFun.org and NPR. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, is. It's not a lie, folks. That's confirmed. They made me show

them. We have a team of doctors. Well, at the beginning of every show, we usually have our penis check. Yeah. Where we compare the size of our penises. You mentioned that in the last segment. Yeah, that's right. One of my prouder

accomplishments in life is not having a penis. Can we address, by the way, I feel like there's an elephant in the room or immediately outside of the room. On our show a month or so ago. We sarcastically invited elephants to come. They didn't understand it was a joke. We cannot get out. They are very angry. Please send an elephant gun.

They won't fit out our door. We don get out. They are very angry. Please send an elephant gun. They won't fit out our door. We don't know how they got in. We did a program with our friend Steve Agee, and at some point during this program, we were discussing license plates,

and particularly... Liz, there are no sacred cows on this show. Just so you know, we will discuss anything. I honestly— We will discuss anything, everything. I'm still getting over that elephant improv, honestly. We— Sure to become our next classic bit, how did the elephants get here? Oh, boy. We were talking about a custom license plate.

And I think at some point Jordan alluded to the fact that the custom license plate in the discussion wasn't completely inscrutable. He said it's not like it said full short or something like that. And in the weeks since, full short has taken on a life of its own. As it should. Become a sort of rallying cry for some of our biggest supporters. And for that reason, I made a promise to our listeners, which was that the first person who got an actual custom license plate that says full short on it. Oh, God. I would fly to Los Angeles at my expense.

Oh, dear God. To listen to Jordan Jesse go. Oh, dear God. To listen to Jordan Jesse go. Well, unfortunately for him, Joe Bluebaugh made the choice to file with the California Department of Motor Vehicles and get a real custom license plate that really says full chort on it. You're telling me that a guy named Joe Blueballs got a license plate that says full chort? Blueballs was taken, both with an S and a Z. Obviously.

Blue Ball. Blue Bow? Blue Bow. Blue Bow? Press the talkback button, Brian, and Joe can tell us what it is. Blue Bow. Blue Bow. Okay.

Blue Bow. Joe Blue Bow. I'm cool with us keeping saying Blue Balls, though. It's funnier. I'm sure nobody in the first grade said that to him ever. He's like, what? Oh, I guess it does sound like that. He's just dawning on him.

Anyway, Joe Bluebow lives in San Jose. I bought the man an airplane ticket. Which is why you have only $100 to spend on your hotel. Absolutely. That's why we couldn't go up to the four and a half. And Joe is sitting outside with a set of cans that for some reason

he's sharing with his girlfriend, apparently Brian Fernandez. Jesse, say again, Joe's sitting outside with a set of cans. Joe's sitting outside with a set of cans. Hey, don't talk about his girlfriend like that. Yeah, exactly. When you said set of cans, I thought you were talking about her,

and I thought that's incredibly accurate. Great minds. Guys, why are you still talking? We should just end it here. It's as good as it's going to get. You're telling me that Joe Blue Balls has a girlfriend named Sin. Yeah.

S-I-N. I presume so. Yeah, she's nodding. That's how it's spelled. That's impressive. Yeah. That's like a fucking hot name. Yeah, she's nodding. That's how it's spelled. That's impressive. Yeah. That's like a fucking hot name. Yeah, that's full on Skinamax territory.

Joe Blue Ball's meeting sin and falling in love. So they met when Joe was an undercover police officer who got in a little too deep. Yeah. Exactly. He was investigating the sexy world of strip clubs. Anyway, I just don't want people to think

that I'm not a man of my word. I flew a man to Los Angeles. Some people say you're a fucking liar. Granted, I flew him here

from Burbank. No, from San Jose. Sure. San Jose, California. Yeah. I flew him in.

It's like a $95 flight. Not like you're flying somebody in from Raleigh, Durham. I'm not going to fly somebody in from the Research Triangle. Come on, give me a break. I just want to say you're flying somebody in from Raleigh-Durham. I'm not going to fly somebody in from the Research Triangle.

Come on. Give me a break. I just want to say you're really diminishing his big win here. He thinks he's a contest winner and you're like, I spent $47 on his flight from San Jose to Burbank. This guy knows. I cut him a check. What do you think I have a – what is this, Ellen? You think I have a special arrangement with Southwest Airlines?

No, she's got a special arrangement with, I think, some international place. Thank you. Thank you, Liz. Virgin Atlantic or something. Come on, it's Ellen. Sorry. Excuse me. I figured Ellen wants to go to Taos.

Get herself some turquoise jewelry. Is that a lesbian joke? No, it's a place Southwest flies. Taos. Got it. Okay, sorry. Get herself some turquoise jewelry. Is that a lesbian joke? No. It's a place Southwest flies. Tell us. Got it. Okay. Sorry.

Flagstaff would be another good example. Because lesbians do like turquoise jewelry. Is that a lesbian joke? That was a lesbian joke. Denver. Do lesbians like turquoise jewelry? I didn't – this was not something I was aware of. I think it's more of an older – sort of your older lesbian stereotype.

But it's true. Okay stereotype. But it's true. Okay. You're more of a next generation lesbian. Thank you. I appreciate that. If you're saying I look young, I'll take it. Yeah, no, I'm part of a newer generation of lesbian that maybe is more fashion conscious. What would you say you make your jewelry out of? Just my, just the um I was gonna say something terrible and I just didn't because I remember that I'm a married woman um I just um I just wait what were you gonna say the muff hair of your conquest um well I wasn't gonna say it like that I was to say the pubes of every woman I've had sex with.

But I didn't say it. But then I just said it. So fuck you. But no, I make my jewelry out of, I don't know, guys. Let's say the hair you brush off your husky. Oh, man. Did you know that my aunt is an elderly spinster lesbian who runs a husky rescue? I don't think I know that, but it tracks. Yes.

Not only does she send us exclusively – she's wonderful, by the way. She's a great – a wonderful aunt. Like I'm about to make fun of some – Everybody should have a lesbian aunt, by the way. Everybody should have a lesbian aunt. She is such a great aunt. And like my whole childhood she would take me to arts events. If you don't have one, maybe suggest to one of your heterosexual aunts that she give it a shot.

And she is a thousand percent a first-generation lesbian. Came out in like 1980-ish. Oh, by that I thought you mean like her mom wasn't a lesbian. I come from a long line of lesbians. I'm seventh-generation lesbian. She came a long line of lesbians. I'm seventh generation lesbian. She came out of the Connecticut lesbians? Yeah, that's right. Yep.

She like moved to San Francisco specifically to be a lesbian. My great, great, great, great grandmother, Gert, was a lesbian in the pioneer days. Really? Yeah, yeah. That's a great pioneer name and a great vocation for a pioneer woman. My aunt, we may have addressed this at some point, but at some point in the mid-80s decided

I could be an honorary lady so that she could like me. She was very opposed to the patriarchy to the point that she was opposed to her nephew's gender. Wow. That's gender. Wow. That's intense. But she loved me. I mean, she was a very sincerely loving aunt, but like a full on women with a Y revolutionary lesbian.

Great. And now- You're trying to say man hater without saying it, basically. Oh, I'll say that. No, she was definitely a man hating lesbian. Yes. No doubt about it. But a very sweet woman. Really, you know, it makes me have a positive attitude towards any man-hating lesbian I might meet. You know, if I met one in my day-to-day life, I would understand. All I got to do is get honorary girl and I'm good as gold. and I'm good as gold.

So she, especially since she broke up with her partner maybe five years ago, she has gone full husky everything. All huskies, all the time. You got to put that love somewhere. You got to put it somewhere. She drives, she moved in with a husky friend.

Like a dog? No, a friend from the husky community. Okay. Just a fellow husky lover. Just a fellow husky lover. Just a fellow husky lover. Got it. The irony, everyone in the husky community, very slim. Yeah.

Very slim. It's true. She goes, not only does she rescue huskies, she mushes huskies. And she lives in Oakland, or actually now in Alameda. And she mushes huskies in a big park in Oakland. They get these dog sleds that have wheels on them. Wow. And they mush huskies through the park,

like down the path where you would ride on a carriage ride. Wow. So she loves these huskies. Oh, God, yes. So I would say maybe these huskies rescued your aunt. That's a really good point, Liz. Who rescued who? Yeah, that's a really good point, Liz. Who rescued who? Yeah, that's a really good point.

Thanks. I got to go. Now that you've – inspirational platitudes are your new. But she sends – Leave on a high note. Drop the mic. She's very sweet to my son Simon and thoughtfully sends him Christmas and birthday gifts. But it's like little girl dresses.

No. That would be fun. Exclusively husky-related things. Oh, yeah. That's the big issue. He has husky books and plush huskies. And at some point, he is going to become a husky collector just by virtue of my— Plush husky sounds like a sex fetish, like a deep internet sex fetish.

Sure. Absolutely. I'm sure it is. Yeah. Yeah. There's any hot plush huskies out there. I think a plush husky is like a bear culture spinoff. Like one of the spinoffs, you know, like you go down the line.

Yeah, it's like there's bears, there's otters, there's cubs, there's- There's huskies and there's plush huskies. I can't even say it. Plush huskies. Yeah. But yeah, that's literal. It's just like real specific. It's a bear who wears leather who has one gangrenous finger.

Yeah. Which is weird because you would think that, you know, it's like because a husky is a dog. Sure. I mean, you know, but there's. It gets confusing. Yeah. With regard to jewelry, papier-mâché. Okay.

No. Oh. We're talking about 1980s style papier-mâché earrings.. No. Oh. We're talking about 1980s-style papier-mâché earrings. On your aunt? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Wow. At all times.

All times. Wow. My aunt in the 80s, in her heyday, I mean, she's in her early 70s right now, so we're talking about- It's got to be hard to meet somebody by then. She was already in her mid-40s, in the mid-80s, and she had, I'm going to say, five holes in each ear, six holes in each ear. That was the style of the day. My aunt is a very colorful character.

She sounds great. She is great. She's a little old for me, but she sounds great. Well, you're a married woman. I keep forgetting. I know. It's tough to remember. Would you like to marry a dog or just adopt one?

I'll be honest. This is going to be very controversial. I'm actually not a dog person. I'm a cat person. How many you guys got? We have one. We're keeping it under control. Have you thought about a multi-cat situation?

We've thought about a multi-cat situation and Rachel is against it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, she's against it. And I get it because our cat is basically a human being who requires a tremendous amount of love and attention. Does he have a little briefcase and go to an office in the morning? It's a she. Okay.

Does she do that? I didn't mean to suggest that women can't be CEOs. That was pretty sexist. That was. I mean, honestly, like a female cat can't have an upper level job. Does she lean in? She leans in. I literally have the book lean in on my bedside table right now.

So she's reading it. She's reading it. She's chewing on the ends of it. You do like to do that. They do that. No, I just love kittens. And but my wife is very, very right in that I probably wouldn't stop. So you just have to like cut it out.

Well, I cut it off at the pass. I learned recently on Fresh Air that I was listening to a show with a gentleman who studies. The cat. I listen to the cat. The cat. OK, great. So there was a cat episode. It was about the relationship between people and cats. And the guy was, what was he called, like a zooanthropologist or something like that. There's a lot of O's. Studies the relationship between people and animals. And he was talking about how cats don't really necessarily want to have another cat around.

Yes. People assume that that's what they would like. Yep. But actually they are just as happy and often likely happier without another cat around. Yes. And that is my wife's exact point. And she's smarter than I am and I listen to her. Also just a mind-blowing revelation in that episode, something I think none of us saw coming. Can I take a quick guess? Terry Gross is a cat lady?

Yeah. Surprise, surprise. A lot of cat lovers, as it turns out, on the Fresh Air staff. I did go to their blog to look at all their cats after that episode. Who's got a really good cat? I mean, Terry Gross' cat is great. I forget who their producers. I mean, they're all great.

They're all sweet little angels. Yeah, I'm sure they are. Yeah. I'm a cat lover as well. I was about to say, you're really starting to sound like a cat lover. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I will consider, sometimes when I'll be bored around the house, I'm like,

what if I got another cat? It will be fun. I know. That's the thing. It's really tempting. But it does seem like a, yeah, it seems like a black hole from whence I'll never return. Yeah. Cats are like tattoos.

You get one, you want another one, and then once you have too many, you're a pariah of society. I just have a couple of things that put me in the unfuckable category. I don't need more. Let's talk about them. Let's talk about them. No, I think we've done a fine job. We've addressed this. We've addressed. Penis. We've addressed this. We've addressed.

Penis. We've addressed my penis, my meh penis. Okay, great. In the past on the show, we've addressed just the whole nether region is just a mess of talcum powders. Yeah, yeah. I have to powder up pretty significantly. Oh, I know. I think I heard that's the gold bond, right?

Your crotch, your hot crotch. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I've switched to anti-monkey butt powder. Right, right. Anyway. That's right, monkey butt. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I've switched to anti-monkey butt powder. Right, right. Anyway. That's right, monkey butt. Yes. That's a real thing?

It is. It's a real product. And it works great. And it has a terrible label. Anyway. What's on it? A monkey's butt? Well, yeah.

I mean, a baboon's big red ass. And it's pointing to it. Oh, and also someone told me there's also now lady anti-monkey butt. Looks the same as the other monkey, Pink Bow. So it has the Pac-Man gendering convention. That's just for women who have hot crotch? I think so. I don't know if there's something in it that, like, you know, makes it safer for the vagina or is, you know, somehow it has like a vaginal vitamin in it.

Sure. Wow. I've never seen one. Vitamin V. Oh, yeah,'ve never seen one. Vitamin V. Oh, yeah. Vitamin V. Yeah. Vitamin V.

For Vendetta. V for vitamin. One of Alan Moore's lesser graphic novels. Maybe you should sort of start presenting yourself as a vaginal vitamin. Maybe women would be more interested. Oh, yeah. I'm better than a B12 shot, I'll say. Boom, boom, boom.

You could be kind of like Matthew Lesko, the guy with the question mark suit. You could just have Vs all over it. Yeah. Just go into bars. Have you guys heard about this? There's an app called Lulu, I think, and you can rate your Facebook friends who are guys. It's only for guys. And you can rate them and talk about like any encounters you've had with them romantically or sexually, which is hilarious. Anonymously. Yeah.

And you can rate them anonymously. And only a female Facebook user can sign into this. That's exactly right. So the men can't. I got someone to show me my Lulu profile. Oh, yeah. What does it say? It's pretty good.

Wish it was a little bit higher. I have a couple of great ones. There's a bad one bringing down the average. This is why I brought it up is because one of the comments that you can leave, which is like one of the pre-written comments is can't build IKEA furniture. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship with anyone where I've had to build their IKEA furniture. You're the first and only, Liz. Oh, wow. Well, at least we've ever been in a relationship with anyone where I've had to build their IKEA furniture. You're the first and only, Liz. Oh, wow. Well, at least we've defined it as a relationship.

It was a business relationship. There's some unbuilt IKEA furniture sitting at my house that came into my house while I was out of town and my mother-in-law was visiting. And I think it's there because I'm supposed to build it. But it has not been communicated to me. It's just going to be a standoff. You're just going to start like, you know, putting cups and food on the box and not building it. It looks like shelves. That's your thing of like, well, what are we going to put here?

Yeah. Bookcase shelves. Throw some shelves up there. Yeah, it's a tough situation. What if you just like somehow got it into your neighbor's living space so it's just like amongst the scaffolding? Would he even notice? Well, yeah, he's got the surveillance. I guess he would.

Yeah, he'd probably get me with a blow dart before I could drop the IKEA stuff. Do you think he's up there with the blow gun or do you think this is some sort of mechanized blow gun? I think he's up there with a blowgun when you least expect it. How old is this man? 50-ish. 50-ish. He's trouble. Not old enough for me to wait for him to die.

Right. You know what I mean? It's not like if he was 75, I'd say, well, yeah, give him four years. What's the chance that there's a dead body in that house that nobody's discovered? That's an interesting possibility. I've seen movies. I mean, it could be, as I said, a devil in the white city situation and there's hundreds of dead bodies in there.

Untold numbers. That's from when the World's Fair was at Highland Park, right? Yeah, exactly. Expo 2013. The big exhibits were Mexico sent a bounce house. And then that's where they unveiled Ceviche, right? For the first time? And maybe Portugal sent an electronics repairman.

Liz, have you looked at your own Lulu score? I am a woman. Sure. And only men can be scored. Oh. Oh. That is right. That is right.

So there's no, there's not a same-sex version of it. No, they don't have a same-sex version of it. And that is for the best. Yeah. That's for the best. Yeah. You know what I like? I'd like to think I'd score well.

I mean, I don't think I've wronged anyone. You've destroyed, you haven't left anything in your wake. No, no. I don't think I've score well. I mean I don't think I've wronged anyone. You haven't left anything in your wake. No, no. I don't think I've destroyed anybody. You know, this is a kind of heteronormative practice that I, for one, vow to fight against. I'm going to stand up for your right to have your sexual performance judged anonymously. Thank you. I like – what I like about Lulu, what I really breathe the sigh of relief from is that there's no place to editorialize.

They just kind of give you these boxes to tick. So no one can write a screed about you. Right. It's like these basic generalizations like good and bad, generous love, like that kind of shit, right? Sure. It's kind of like if you remember the old show Singled Out. Of course. All the categories are kind of like singled out categories.

Like it's something like, you know, if they were a racehorse in the sack, would they move at a trot, a gallop, or a whinny? I don't know anymore. No, you don't. You don't, yeah. Oats. Yeah, oats. So, you know, I think, you know, hard to destroy anybody's reputation too hard on it. Yeah, but it's also – it's fun to look at.

It is fun. My coworkers and I look at it. It is fun. Yeah. Have you learned anything exciting? Well, you know, you learn – here's my thing actually is that a lot of like – because I don't think of men in that way in that I don't think of them. But because I don't – like I'm not like – Sometimes they'll bring you a nice cup of coffee.

Girls are girls and they're like – We should explain that you work at a convent. Yeah. No, you should explain that. Yeah. And so I don't – like I don't even think of a lot of my guy friends and I'm not a man-hating lesbian by any means. I'm a man-loving lesbian. I have – most of my closest friends and I, I'm not a man hating lesbian by any means. I'm a man loving lesbian. I,

I have most of my closest friends are, are straight guys. And so I just don't think of them like that. And a lot of the guys that I know, I don't even think like that they have sex with people or like date things or, you know, like do or don't build shitty furniture for them. So you just assume when they're not hanging out with you,

they're playing Xbox pretty much. Or like, you know, I don't know shitty furniture for them. You just assume when they're not hanging out with you, they're playing Xbox. Pretty much. Or like, you know, I don't know, Minecraft. You hang out with a lot of 13-year-olds. I was just trying to give in a hip reference. That was very hip. Yeah, thank you. My nine-year-old nephew's obsessed with it. So, no, but I, so I just, it's just an interesting thing to think of these guys as like, who

I don't think are fuckable in the least. Right. I can't believe that three or four girls have actually, you know, gone. You're like gross. Have frontiered themselves into that territory. Well, what you want. I mean, is it like Yelp where you can sort by number of reviews?

I don't know. I didn't spend too much time with the features. I just kind of, you know. You just wanted to see what people were saying. You just got in and got out. Yeah. Exactly. is one of your categories yeah got in got out we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessico it's jordan jessico i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan moore's boy detective liz feldman all woman hey how about this sponsors on this week's program. I'd like

to hear about them. Let's start, shall we? With Hulu Plus. Yeah. I'm sure you've tried Hulu.com, but there's a Hulu Plus. Oh man, thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere. Stream it on your TV or on the go with your smartphone or your tablet. It's a great way to

binge watch your favorite shows. It has comedies like SNL, Community, Modern Family, South Park, Family Guy, and thousands of other shows. Hey, I'm going to throw in a personal recommendation. It's got a ton of Criterion movies on there. Yeah, I like those Criterion movies. That's a good way to watch one of my favorite movies, F for Fake. Yeah. So $7.99 a month.

Go to HuluPlus.com. And if you want to try it for a couple weeks free on us, just go to HuluPlus.com forward slash JJGo. HuluPlus.com forward slash JJGo. And you'll get a few weeks free on us. You can give it a try. Yeah. Makes us look good. Get in there.

Watch a Seven Samurai or whatever on your Criterions. I don't know if these are Criterion titles. I'm going to suggest one. Grey Gardens. Yeah. Watch Grey Gardens. So good. Yeah.

So good. Yeah. Watch for free. H's a great movie. So good. So good. Yeah. Watch it for free. Hulu Plus. HuluPlus.com slash JJGo. And also, how about Warby Parker? You don't wear eyeglasses, Jordan. I don't.

You wear sunglasses. But if I did. How about sunglasses? Do you wear sunglasses? I don't really. They make my face look weird. Jesse, I wear both. Really?

Yeah, I do. Well, you should think about Warby Parker. Oh, I've thought about it. It's what my wife uses. Basically, this is how it works. You look on the Warby Parker website. They've got a bunch of different designs. They'll send you five designs without making you pay for them. You can try them on,

whatever. Send back whichever ones you don't want, including all of them if you don't want to. They start at $95 with lenses. You can get sunglasses lenses. They start at $95 with lenses. You can get sunglasses lenses. You can get eyeglasses lenses. It's a really cool way to get a first pair of glasses, you know, a primary pair of glasses, or just to have, you know, if you want like a pair of, you know, black arty frames to

go out at night in to galleries, for example. You know me. Or if you want, you know, an earthier pair for when you're out in the fields. Sure. There's a lot of different- Tilling the soil. Exactly. There's all kinds of different options.

And for every pair sold, they donate it. They donate a pair to somebody in need. So go to Warby- That's a great thing. WarbyParker.com. And you can use the code JJGO and you'll get your new glasses within three business days. So go to Warby Parker dot com and put in JJ go. Hey, we got something up on the Jumbotron, too.

We do. It's from Keaton and Danielle Stagman. And this is for Patrick Stagman and family. They'd like to congratulate Keaton and Danielle on their marriage taking place on September 7th. She says, I love them very much and we're all extremely happy to welcome Danielle into the family. Mazel tov. Smash. That was a glass breaking. I said she says, but actually he says, Patrick.

Yeah. That's going to be a dude. That's a classic he says, she says. Likely is not. That's going to be a dude. Yeah. I don't mean to show my cisgender biases, but likely is not. That's going to be a dude yeah i don't mean to show my cisgender biases but likely is not that's going to be a dude and never met a female patrick just throwing it out there

you never know i'm just saying i don't want to presume because you know what happens when you presume yeah makes up someone writes an upset email who's a lady named patrick okay um one more thing i am headed uh this coming week first to boaty.biz and then to the Public Radio Program Directors Conference in Atlanta. You, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners will be hearing our live shows recorded in London and Edinburgh. However, I will be in Atlanta for PRPD and I'm going to be hosting a gargantuan mega meetup. Sounds like a lot of fun. Okay, here's what it is. Tuesday, September 17th, 10 p.m. I know, it's a school night, but Jesus Christ, I'm only in town once a decade in Atlanta, so get your butt out there. It's not just going to be me.

It's also going to be my friend Ophira Eisenberg, who hosts NPR's Ask Me Another. She's very funny. She's a very funny lady. My friend Glynn Washington, who hosts NPR's Snap Judgment. Our friend Chuck Bryant from the Stuff You Should Know podcast. And whoever I can round up from the public radio conference. Who knows?

Maybe the Sound Opinions guys will be there. Terry Gross' cats. Terry Gross' cats will probably be there. So Tuesday, September 17th at Neon's Public House in downtown Atlanta, Georgia. You can find all that information also at MaximumFun.org. But Tuesday the 17th, Atlantans, Atlanteans, we will see you out there. Somebody said that's a really tough time to make for an educator. You know what?

I'm an educator too. I've taught a lot of people a lot of things, and I'm going to be there. Suck it up. Get out there. Have a few brews. They probably got some green food coloring if you want it. Yeah, go teach kids want it. Yeah. Go teach kids hungover.

Yeah. Kids got to learn about being quiet and turning the lights off. Exactly. Bring your cats to work. Sure. They'll comfort you. I don't think they would like being taken out of the house. No, yeah. They wouldn't.

I wouldn't do that. They would probably just run and hide really quick. No? You're clearly not a cat person. No. I bring my dog to work sometimes. She sits on my... When I'm not feeling good in the morning, sometimes I bring my dog to work and she sits on my lap.

That's very sweet. If I'm feeling sad, she gives me some kisses on the end of my nose. Yeah? Yeah, it's pretty good. That's fun. I thought for a moment you were talking about your mother and then I realized that you were joking. Yeah. Yeah, I do.

If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to advertise on Jordan, Jesse, go or any of our Maximum Fun shows, just drop an email line to Teresa at MaximumFun.org and we'll get you all the relevant information. We'll make your business grow, if you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, like the business will make more money because we advertise it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne,

America's radio. Sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective, Liz Feldman, still a girl, Joe Bluebell contest winner winner. Or contest loser. Depends on how you look at it.

I didn't even point at Joe yet. I was going to introduce Joe. Joe took it upon himself. I think Joe's heard a few of these podcasts, knows how it goes. Yeah. She called him gun jumper. You know, this isn't NCIS Miami where there's a formula to every episode of this program. We're freestyling here. We're going down tributaries.

This is more of an episode of House. Yeah. And how Lucy Goose it is. Later on, I'm going to be playing the piano and singing some blues standards. See, I think it's like an episode of Rizzoli and Isles. Yeah, that's a really good point. Except I get to play Rizzoli and Isles. Yeah, that's a really good point. Except I get to play Rizzoli and Isles. A dream come true.

You guys are just the other guys. Who am I? One of the other fucking guys. I don't know. But Liz, they're so mismatched. How do you handle that kind of internal conflict? By hoping that they fuck one day. Yeah.

Man, some hot Rizzoli on Isles action. I would enjoy some Rizzoli Isles slash fic. Yeah. Man, some hot Rizzoli on aisles action. I would enjoy some Rizzoli aisles slash fic. Yeah. Trust me that there's definitely fan fiction out there with those two. Yeah. You know, and I'd like to see the two guys from Psych get it on. You would? Yeah.

That'd be kind of nice. I mean, they're such good buddies, you know? Yeah. It would be kind of friendly. Yeah, exactly. Aggressive. Genial. Physical. Yeah. Meaty. Yeah, exactly. Aggressive. Genial. Physical.

Yeah. Meaty. Joe, you want me to make it uncomfortable? It would be like you guys getting it on. Sure, yeah. Yeah, just like that. It would be like us getting it on with Joe. Am I right, Joe?

Joe. Red is a beat. Red is a beat. Not so ready now, are you, asshole? Jump in there and introduce yourself. Joe, you know this. When something important happens to you, like let's say you get invited onto your favorite podcast in the entire world. Joe's going to be on Marin later?

Cool, man. Can I come? We ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN or email us at jjgoatmaximumfun.org for momentous occasions. Brian Fernandez, our producer, Sonny D, has listened to the innumerable calls that have poured in this week. And let's run out the first one. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is a momentous occasion slash pig news. My in-laws recently got some pet pigs.

This is a bit sad. When the piglets arrived, one of them was sick, and they realized that it had been born without a butthole. So they had to go and put it to sleep. But it turns out pigs can be born without buttholes alright thanks very much man when he said this is a momentous occasion slash pig news

I was really ready for something fun you did not think it was going there oh man like a pig picking up a little briefcase and going to work there was a pig who was born without an asshole and he was like, so, you know, they put it down. What about fucking giving that pig an asshole? Yeah, right? How hard could it be?

Give that pig an asshole. When they're born, their skin is so flimsy. You just poke one in there. Just poke an asshole in there. Just poke an asshole. I would get Donald Trump in there first. First step, get Donald Trump in there first. First step, get Donald Trump in there. Second step, give the pig a briefcase, as you mentioned.

But have him do a bad job at work. Then have Donald Trump tear him a new one. There you go. That's my recommendation. That's a good way to get an asshole if you don't have one. Or you could just put it down like his insensitive in-laws in-laws from wherever he called from. Whatever some weird European nation where they just kill pigs just because they're not perfect. Yeah.

Just because there's a whole realm of sexual pleasure he'll never experience. I don't think that's the issue, Jordan. It's not the problem. Well, I feel bad for the pig. I think it's more of a digestive concern. Jordan, it's September now. It's not analogous anymore. Oh, I forgot. Boy, am I glad I missed

analogous. I tell you, it is no fun. Zero fun. Let's take the next call. Brian, if you could, just try and pick one without any animal death in it. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Allie in Milwaukee.

And I just got off the bus. And the lady who got on at my stop, she got on with a dude. And she had a face tattoo, like, just below her ear on her cheek. And the tattoo was of the face of the guy she got on the bus with. So his face tattooed on her face. Oh, man, it would be awesome if the tattoo had her face tattooed on its face. Yeah, it was just an infinite mirror. That would be amazing.

Sadly, he had a tattoo of another woman's face. Oh, boy. It's going to hurt your Lulu score. Joe, if you were going to get one face tattooed on your face, what would it be? And remember, as you say this, that your relationship with your girlfriend, Sin, who's outside, it's already basically toast. She's just leaned in to look at you. That bitch means business. Yeah.

I think I would get, like, just a Frida Kahlo eyebrow. Just a single brow? Just a single brow right there, right where that face was. How would people know? Pointing to the side of his cheek. It's a very distinct brow. How would they know it's not an Adam Carolla or something like that? How do they know that you don't have a –

Well, its fans wouldn't be calling you. How would they know that you weren't just trying to get kind of early to mid-90s sideburns? Oh, yeah. And you went too high on one side. Or how would they know that you're not just like an idiot that tried to grow a mustache on his face? He just doesn't know where a mustache goes. Fucking idiot. How's this?

Is this where it's supposed to go? I can grow a mustache. I got a mustache. I got a mustache above my wiener. That's not where it goes, dummy. And look at this eyebrow I have over my lip. That's a, never mind. Oh, jeez.

I love dumb mustache guy. That's my favorite character. Joe is deeply regretting. Can I steal that for my SNL audition? Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. Let's take our next call. Hi, Jordan.

Hi, Jesse. First time caller, long time listener. This is Megan from Fishkill, New York. Absolutely. Thank you. Now let's take our next call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. First-time caller, long-time listener. This is Megan from Fishkill, New York. I'm calling with not really a momentous occasion so much as a momentous occurrence. No, that's not right either. Sort of a momentous realization. See, I've been working a really terrible job in a distribution center in my town while I'm looking for a better job. And I couldn't really think of a good part about the job besides getting paid, I guess.

The job's pretty hateful. But I figured it out today. The silver lining of this job, it's a distribution center. It's super loud in there. I can fart whenever I want and no one ever hears me. It's the best. See, silver lining of this job. All right, love the show.

That's pretty good. Jordan, I think we've found your next girlfriend. Yeah, right? Someone who doesn't know how to control the volume of her farts. I guess if – yeah. I guess like – I mean maybe I'm thinking too far down the road. But if we got together, she found a nice distribution center out here she could work at. Yeah.

Right. Or if I found some show business work up there in Albany or wherever she lives. You said your apartment is too big for just you. It's pretty big. I probably – but I guess my thing was like if she – I don't know how long she's been working here but she has this kind of – she'll grow to have an unawareness of her farts. Like will I have to put in a lot of like machines and reel-to-reel apparatuses so she can comfortably fart? You could open a home distribution center. Oh, I could start distributing from home and it just has a lot of like – You could open a home distribution center and Oh, I could start distributing from home? That just has a lot of like—

You could open a home distribution center and she could distribute as much as she wanted. Yeah. Okay. Well, you know, I've been looking for a nice lady who's not afraid to let one rip. Or how about this? Can I suggest an alternative? Please. You know, whenever I order something from Uline, the box company, it comes literally the next day.

I think their distribution center must be in, you know, City of Industry or Commerce, California or something like that. I say you find a relatively little used corner of that distribution center and You just set up shop. Move in. Yeah. Well, like both of us? Yeah, get yourself a couple hammocks. Oh, there you go. And then we can just fart whatever we want to.

Yeah, they already got, I mean, what do they got at the U lines? There's nothing you- There's probably a pot of coffee there that's refreshed twice a day. Plenty of red vines. Yeah. No shortage of red vines. You got park benches. You got your, do you sleep under tissue paper?

Sorry, we're being rude. Joe, where do you like to fart? Where do you like to really blast one? Best place to fart. What do you say? And do you and Sin fart in front of each other? Yeah, have you gotten there yet? I mean, I was going to say under the covers.

Oh, jeez. I think I just heard her gasp. That's the wrong reaction to have, Sin. That's the last thing you want to do. Sin, are you a pig that was born without a butthole? Come on. If anything, exhale, Sin. Don't be holier than thou.

This is a classic Dutch oven situation, what you got going on. Okay. What I thought, what I really enjoyed about that thing that folks who can't see us here in the studio would have missed is that as the caller was discussing

whether it was a momentous occasion or a momentous occurrence or what, Joe had a frown on his face the size of the state of montana like come on you're never gonna get a license plate this way you gotta have a plan going into this lady joe is so disapproving yeah my nerd brain just went occurrence, occasion. Sure.

Yeah. You wanted a sort of – you wanted a flow chart of some kind. That's absolutely what everyone thinks the license plate says. It's like if she messed up – it's like she messed up something about pre-crisis DC continuity. You know, pre-crisis. Wow. I just got such a whiff of nerd that I don't even know what to do with myself in this room.

Oh, sorry, I just farted. I thought the machines would... Let's take the next call. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Jordan. I called... This is Megan from Fishkill, New York, and I called about 11 hours ago complaining about my job at a distribution center

and how the only good part of it was that I could fart whenever I wanted to, and now I'm calling with a real momentous occasion. I just got a real job, and I never have to go back to this. Yay! Never again. Oh, I'm so excited. I wanted to share my excitement. Thanks.

Bye. Oh, man. Wow. Do you think Megan from Fishkill is finally going to live her dream of working? Farting in a white-collar office? I was going to say working as a fish killer. Yeah, definitely can't fart in front of those guys. Killing fish.

I wonder what her real job is now. Yeah, me too. A new job. Oh, my God. It's not even Fish Catch New York. No, it's Fish Kill. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean,

that's great. I mean, yeah, definitely, hopefully, your fart sensitivity is heightened so you know not to let one rip in the boss's office

during a big meeting. Wait until someone's making copies. Yeah. Like, do you know, when you say fart sensitivity is heightened, you think that she may

have been exposed to chemicals in the distribution center that gave her, that she makes her a sort of fart daredevil. Yes, exactly. She's like fart Spider-Man. Oh, fart Spider-Man. She's like able to detect farts from like – I'm going to text my 12-year-old self that joke.

He's going to love it. He's going to fucking freak out. Fart Spider-Man. You can combine those two. And by the way, Jordan, your girlfriend just got a better job. Yay. All right. Time to mooch. Mooch. Mooch. Mooch. Mooch.

Mooch. Mooch. Mooch. Well, yeah, that's great. Congratulations. Do you think the chief had to fart in the job interview? I think actually the job interviewer was probably like, now, for the next 30 seconds, you may not fart. And if you don't, if you can hold it in, the job is yours. They just have a – well, not a spectrometer. What's the thing that measures earthquakes?

A seismograph? A seismograph. A spirograph. Excuse me, a spirograph. Yeah, a spirograph. A seismograph? A seismograph. A spirograph.

Excuse me, a spirograph. Yeah, a spirograph. They just have a spirograph on the desk and she just puts her colored pens in there and goes to town. Do we have one more call? Okay, no more calls. I think that, number one, I think that anyone who lives in Fishkill, New York needs to get out of there. That's trouble. Yeah, especially for your pet fish. There's no regard for their lives.

That's a city that deserves abandonment, is what I'm saying. It's right there in front of your eyes. I think it's actually a nice part of New York, if I remember correctly. Really? Albany? Albany-ish? Those fucking fish. Ruining everyone's day.

Oh, man. This neighborhood had real shitty ever since those fish moved in. Joe, you have two pairs of eyeglasses. I have a sunglass and an eyeglass, yeah. You're the kind of guy who needs to go to warbyparker.com slash jjgo, right? And you look like a guy who wants to watch some shows on Hulu Plus. .com slash jjgo. Speaking of glasses, you sort of sound like Ira Glass.

Do you ever get that? This is the first time. I mean, can you hear it? Can you hear it? I can maybe. Is it just me? I can hear it a little bit. All right.

Yeah. Sorry. I mean, is that like a podcast faux pas? Rich but nonetheless. Rich but nasally. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Rich but nasally with just a hint of Jew.

Yeah. Yeah. Guys, I have a momentous occasion. Really? Yeah, I was on my way over here. We were driving on Wilshire. And you know how- Wait, Wilshire Boulevard?

Oh, my God. Holy shit. You know how all of the- Well, not all of, but many stores have somebody outside, right, shaking a little sign at you come in. So I saw a guy- Yeah, I mean- Let me interject.

Definitely not all stores. Not all. Absolutely. Many stores. That would be anarchy if every So I saw a guy. I mean, let me interject. Definitely not all. Not all. Absolutely. Many stores. That would be anarchy if every store had a dancing guy and they just would get into fights. Just I can see them spinning those signs at each other in acts of violence. Sure. So I saw a sign spinner and I did a double take because it was a blonde woman.

and I did a double take because it was a blonde woman. Then I did a triple take because it was a mannequin with robot arms that was pulling a sign up and down. Like a fucking foxy mannequin to where you're like, hey. I mean, once you're in the bone zone, it doesn't really matter. Right, Joe? You tipped your eyeglasses, you tipped your sunglasses, and then noticed it was a mannequin. You pulled over to the gutter, pushed Sin

into it, and then married the mannequin. Pulled up on the curb and married your new wife. Mannequin advertising auto parts store? What was it? You were just checking out the tits. It was a pop-up costume shop. By the way, can you

please call her by her full name, Mannequin Bluebow? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Liz Feldman, all Liz. Joe Bluebow, point to that. Joe, I want to

check in real quick with you. Can we just confirm that you really did get a license plate that says full short on it? I got two. What spelling did you go with? What for your boat? I went FL space short. Okay, that's pretty good.

C-H-O-R-T or C-H-O-R-T? Yeah, I think that's short. That's as much as will fit. Yeah. You don't want to like remove a vowel from short. No, you need the full word. I think so too. And so people think that it means flowchart.

I think they think it means flowchart and F-L chart was taken. Right. Have you had to explain it to anyone yet? Is it on your car yet? It is on my car, yeah. What kind of car are you driving? I'm driving a convertible. A nice Saturn, huh?

Yeah. Sweet. Got yourself a Fiero? By the way, when somebody says, what type of car do you drive, they don't mean a body It's an asshole car. I don't want to. Got it. Okay.

Is it a Sebring? What are we talking? No, it's a Boxster. Oh, okay. Boxster. So why did I pay for your to. Got it. Okay. Is it a Sebring? What are we talking? No, it's a Boxster. Oh, okay. Boxster. So why did I pay for your plane ticket? Yeah. That's great.

Come on, Boxster. Because it's a 97 Boxster. Okay. It's practically falling apart. Let's be honest. That's a low-end Porsche. That's the bottom of the Porsche barrel, the Boxster. Everybody knows that.

Just get a Stang, man. Yeah, just get yourself a Stang. Just get yourself a sweet Stang. I've learned my lesson. That's a lesbian joke. Oh, I didn't get it. Oh, a callback to a conversation that's occurred in every single break.

But see, that's why you should win our contest, because then you can kind of poke in on some of this additional content. Yeah, Joe Joe Bluebell got to really enjoy that callback well Joe we really appreciate that you did you just drive down here you just use the money I

I sent you on cocaine right yeah drove all night yeah yeah anything you want to promote are you forming at Largo any time soon you got your monthly show at Largo Joe Bluebell. Joe Blue Bow and Friends. No, promo free. Blue Bow and Short.

Well, Joe, it's been a pleasure to have you here. It's going to be, we're going to be sad to see you go back to San Jose. But I say,

have a lot of fun at the Bay Area Discovery Museum. By the way, when you just said, we're going to be really sad to see you go, he gave a face like, meh. That was the face. Yeah, it was a meh-y kind of face.

I'm going to miss the Korean food. There's really good Korean food here. But there's a really good Discovery Museum in San Jose. A lot of Street Fighter tournaments, too. I mean, yeah. If you're looking for those two things specifically.

Hey, there's some pretty solid single A baseball. I go to the single A games all the time actually. There you go. You could get in that sumo suit,

wrestle for a free hot dog. You know what I'm talking about. Going to have a lot of fun out there in the San Jose Giants. Okay. Liz Feldman,

it's been a joy to have you on the program as well. Thank you so much. All the references you've made in the last minute and 30 seconds went completely over my head. Well, I mean, San Jose is actually the most populous city in the Bay Area. A lot of people don't know that. Didn't even know it was in the Bay Area.

Extended Bay Area, right? You're probably, you're living in, where are you? You're in like Hillsboro or something. No, I'm like downtown. You're living it up. You own downtown San Jose? Yeah. Whoa. You're cruising around and you're living in, where are you? You're in like Hillsboro or something. No, I'm like downtown. You're living it up. You own downtown San Jose? Yeah. Whoa. You're cruising around and you're staying?

I am downtown San Jose. Entering any Street Fighter contest you want to without pre-registering? Jesus Christ. You're amazing, Blue Bow. The beautiful Joe Blue Bow. Liz Feldman's been here. Liz, you're a writer on Two Broke Girls, which is coming back to television. Yes, it is.

Network television. Yes, the real deal. CBS. In the fall, which is imminent, right? That's right. Monday nights. We're starting back up real soon. Not sure when this comes out, but let's say we're basically back on.

That's right. Yeah. At Liz in Hollywood on Twitter. That's right. I bet you'll send out a jibe from time to time on Twitter. You know I will. You're known as a humorous firebrand. That's right. I bet you'll send out a jibe from time to time on Twitter. You know I will. You're known as a humorous firebrand. That's right.

I'm also on Instagram where I will put up an ironic photo. Really? Nice. Liz. You might see a picture of my baby niece. This has been a pleasure, you guys. Yeah. Honestly, a hot, musty pleasure.

This has been a pleasure, you guys. Yeah, this has been fun. Honestly, a hot, musty pleasure. I will see everybody, all the Atlanteans out there and all the Georgians and people in the Atlanta metro area on Tuesday the 17th. Next week on the program, we will be live from Edinburgh, live on tape from Edinburgh and London, England. live on tape from Edinburgh and London, England. And hey, we want to thank Hulu Plus, where you can binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. You can get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus

when you go to huluplus.com forward slash... JJ Go. He knows it. I know it. I've been enjoying the free trial. I got the free trial. I think it's great. I think everybody should get it.

It's a lot of fun. Put that on your Xbox. Yeah. Put that on your Roku. PS3. Put that on your PS3. Put that on your mobile telephone. Yeah, mobile telephone.

Tablet. Do it. Watch it. Good shows. Brian Fernandez, Sonny D, is our producer. Also kind enough to dog sit my dogs tonight while I go to a hotel so my child can play in the pool. Hashtag first world problems. Right, guys?

Man, cutting edge. You got that right. Thanks, guys. Yeah. Anyway, I'm trying to get my kid one of these Furbies. Is that a lesbian joke? YOLO.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.