Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 291: Live in the UK

Episode Date: September 16, 2013

Jordan and Jesse perform live at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and in London, England at The Phoenix.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go listeners. It's me, Jesse. And me, Jordan. Hey, Jordan, remember when we went to the United Kingdom? Boy, I sure do.

If only our listeners could have been there with us. I've got great news for you, Jordan. What is it? Recording technology. Yay! We recorded our entire program on two enormous magnetic tapes. Our technicians

have been splicing it together using scissors. Yeah, let's start with our live show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. All kinds of fun stuff. You're really going to get a kick out of this that's my prediction guys we recorded it in a different country ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together and welcome to the stage, all the way from Los Angeles, California, United States of America, Jordan Jesse Go! I hope everyone liked our big entrance.

For the folks at home, we rode out on unicorns. Which we immediately killed. Now they're extinct again. Sorry, podcast audience. We're Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, great to be here at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

It is great to be here. Usually people woo when we say it's great to be here. We did come over 6,000 miles. Well, at least we're making a lot of money off this thing. We're all planning on you guys making it rain later. You guys do that over here in the UK, right? You make it rain. On guys doing a podcast.

We will be showing our tits. I'm really interested in where people came to this show from. Because we did, for folks who actually listen to our podcast, I'm sure there's some folks who just wandered in off the street and my apologies in advance I know that we did make a demand on our program that anyone who lives in the entire continent of Europe and listens to it is required to come to this show where they would be on our shit list now I know it's a it's kind of a lot to ask but to be fair, we came even further. Yeah, and I'm not about to be on my own shit list.

So how many people live in Edinburgh or in Byron's? Most of the people. Wow, look at that. Okay, how many people came here for the festival and happened to come into this show accidentally? One guy in the corner. This young woman. Good for you. No, you'll really enjoy this program.

Hey, just if you guys want, after the show, if you didn't like it, come outside and I'll do a reimagining of a Shakespeare classic. That's the kind of thing you guys like at this, right? Just whatever's on the street and is annoying. How many people came from outside of Scotland? How many people, did anyone come from outside of the UK? That is excellent. I'm worried, and I don't know too much about Europe. Right. I'm worried there's going to be some sort of soccer or football-related brawl. Have you guys been drinking lager beers? With Manchester United, that's all I know.

That's the end of... That's as far as that bit's going to go. That's the end of David Beckham. Should we just bring our guest onto the stage here? I think we should. Our guest has been here at the festival all month long. He is an absolutely brilliant stand-up comedian from Vancouver, British Columbia. Please welcome to the stage Mr. Graham Clark.

Hello. All over your own pants. Scott Lynn, Scott Lynn, Scott Lynn. For the folks at home, I just spilled an entire beer on my penis. It was really a direct hit. That was some Death Star shit. Right into my exhaust port.

Star Wars jokes work. Oh, that couldn't have worked out better. It really couldn't have. We like to do physical humor here on the show, on our audio show. Oh, you know, Jordan, speaking of your... I'm glad you're... You got ruined by phone. You guys saw...

Paper towels, maybe? Anyone. There's really a lot of beer over here. Yeah. Jordan, speaking of your penis, on the subject of your penis... Sure. I'm glad you brought that up. Did I... We were in a train station recently.

Excuse me, an airport recently. I like where this is going. A SkyTrain. We were at an airport and the food was horrible. And there's vending machines in airport bathrooms. And I don't know if you're prepared for this, but we were inspired by what we found in the vending machine at the airport bathroom. Yeah, and this is definitely something that we don't have in the U.S. or we don't see a lot of in the U.S.

But in one of the airport bathrooms, they were selling a product out of a vending machine called – and I'm going to get the name wrong. What was it called? Do you remember? It was called Menhance. Menhance. I was going to say the name wrong. What was it called? Do you remember? It was called Menhance. Menhance. I was going to say Menstration. Which would have been wrong.

Or alternately Manifest Destiny. But it was called Menhance, and it was a male enhancer. Yeah. And I was cool. Is Menstration a female enhancer? Right. Just gives you the hugest period. Just a monster period.

That's what it says for a monster period. Do you suffer from weak flow? Yeah. One pound for a monster period. Show those pads who's boss. So we thought it might be fun, you know, because it's a performance enhancer. We're giving a performance. Listen, and I'm no dummy.

I know it means a sexual performance, but I've always said this podcast kind of comes out of my dick. Right. No, I think the audience would corroborate that any time we're performing, it's fundamentally sexual. Sure, absolutely. And also, your dick is drunk time we're performing, it's fundamentally sexual. Sure, absolutely. And also, your dick is drunk right now. Yeah, my dick, yeah. It's going to move on to shots later. Later, it had a beer, and now I'm just going to start dumping shots of Dewars onto my crotch,

and then it's going to snort some Coke, and then things are going to get awesome. doers under my crotch, and then it's going to snort some Coke. And then things are going to get awesome. So we thought it might be fun to take a little Minhance. We traveled around. We didn't get it at the airport. We traveled around looking for it. We couldn't find it. The next best thing, though, in one of the bathrooms, our producer Colin found,

Mail Angel. I'm holding up the package so the audience can confirm that I actually have male angel. This is a popular product. Is anybody here on male angel? Sir, you look erect. He looks enhanced. Oh no, it's the Incredible Hulk! Oh, thank you. Our producer Nick is bringing

a litany of towels for us. There we go. A long list of towels. It says classic Shakespearean malaprops. Sure. So I thought I would just take a little male angel before we officially started the show and, you know, see what it does to the show. Can I look at the male angel?

You may. Here, you look at the package and I'll open the little bag. Okay, so male angel is specifically for sexual performance. What does the little red triangle say there? It's made from natural ingredients. Oh, absolutely. Good, because when it comes to my sexual drugs, I'm such a foodie. I only

eat organic, local. Free-range boners. Free-range boners, yeah. Cage-free boners. Here's the indications for this product. Through the use of male angel, it may, colon... Wait, this isn't a guarantee? Yeah.

Also, I don't like that they mentioned the colon so early on. If I'm lucky. If I'm lucky Enhance and increase sexual desire Not that you need it, Jordan Imagination and function It was a coy reference Jesse and I have fucked on this trip It was the magic of the fringe

This product claims to enhance your imagination. Did you? I want some. Has your sexual imagination stopped at milfs? I just swallow them. Chinese ladies.

Ever thought about fucking a horse? No. Have I got the pill for you Come to think of it Aren't certain Pokemon good looking? There's two of these here Graham you want to go halfsies with me? Yeah absolutely

Alright Guys can I I'm down with this Extra beer That was a stunt beer from earlier Yeah Does it say anything about taking with alcohol? I just No It says must I'm down with this extra beer. That was a stunt beer from earlier. Does it say anything about taking with alcohol? I just... It says must.

That's the only way it works. Are you allergic to shellfish, Graham? I know you're allergic to a lot of... Then you shouldn't take it. Okay, all right. Jordan should take two. Sorry, Graham's penis. I know.

So is it basically just freeze-dried shrimp inside there? What's... Does it come with cocktail sauce? I think it's krill. I know. So is it basically just freeze-dried shrimp inside there? Or does it come with cocktail sauce? I think it's krill. And when they say, fuck like a baleen whale. Exactly. All right. If your sexual imagination has been limited to whales with teeth, they'll call them sperm whales for nothing.

These are in my mouth. I'm gonna take them. Just one warning before you take this, Jordan. It's already in my mouth, asshole! What's the warning? This should not be used as an alternative to a healthy and varied diet. So I shouldn't only eat these.

I'm starving. I'm on an all male angel diet Okay Hey Graham, nice beard Thanks buddy What does it look like to you now? Oh god, the devil! The devil! My sexual imagination

It's out of control I'm getting fucked by the devil Sorry guys who didn't know what this was My sexual imagination is out of control. I'm getting fucked by the devil. Sorry, guys who didn't know what this was. I can see his disapproving glance from here. Anyway. Sorry, we'll be doing our balloon animals later. It'll be my dick because it's so aroused.

Graham, we practically just got off an airplane. We've been here for all of 36 hours or 48 hours, but you've been here all month. Yes. What are your impressions of Edinburgh so far? I love it. I think this place is great. It's so spooky. Spooky, spooky.

Pander, pander, pander. Everything. Graham, it's the UK. They're going to think you're cheating for spooky spice. I know that's not one of the Spice Girls. She was. She was the sixth Spice Girl that died in a bus accident. Lived up to her name.

Now she owns the other Spice Girls. Yeah. They're like, we're getting a lot of chain rattling on this track. This isn't Spooky Spice, is it? Wait, wait, play that backwards. If you want to be my lover. Whoop, whoop, whoop. Kill yourself.

I think if you play it backwards, you just hear Spooky Spice's harmony vocal. Lover, friends. We really did the Spice Girls. We did them right. A salute to the United Kingdom with your friends Jordan, Jesse, and Graham. Okay, so, Graham, you are so right. You know, what is the name of the famous dog of Edinburgh? Grave Fryer's Bobby.

That is like the number one most famous, I would say, probably the number one most famous animal of Edinburgh. I don't know. Anybody can correct me. Maybe the baby panda. Yeah. So, for people who don't know the story, can you kind of summarize it? Because I had never heard this before I heard you talk about it on stage.

There's a statue and a pub called Greyfriars Bobby. It's a beautiful statue of a little dog. It's an adorable dog. It is an adorable dog. Yeah. I mean, I'd love to pet him sometime. Well, you can touch the statue. I don't know if it's lucky or unlucky. People seem to be

hanging around the statue a lot. Not knowing what to do with it. You know what the problem is? Sexual imagination. You gotta fuck that statue. So why have they built the monument to the dog?

It's famous because it stayed next to its owner's grave for 14 years. Is that right? Is that the right number? 14, 16 years? Everybody's like, after one year, do you give a shit? Like, that's crazy that a dog hung out in a grave for a year. I think his owner was buried in a bacon casket. Any day now.

He was just hoping to dig up those bones. He was just, oh boy. Honestly, when my grandmother died, I was out of there after 40 minutes. And yet they still

put up a statue to you in Los Angeles. Right in front of the TGI Fridays, which is right where you went to after the funeral. Everyone, everything, every notable like major thing Right in front of the TGI Fridays, which is right where you went to after the funeral.

Everyone, everything, every notable, like, major thing in Edinburgh has an element of terrifying sadness. Like, last night at your show, a woman recommended, you said, go underneath Edinburgh to the secret tenements underground that are haunted by the ghost of a child chimney sweep who got caught in a chimney and died. And then, cask of Amontillado style, they walled his entire neighborhood in. Yes. What the fuck, Edinburgh? I was hoping for a recommendation like, oh, there's a place that deep fries cookies. You know, there are some great pubs and restaurants on Scolded Grandma Lane.

Scolded Grandma. What did you do this time, Grandma? The joke was that there's Scolded Grandma Lane. Grandma, did you go to the half-price tickets booth at the Fringe again and buy tickets for Jordan, Jess, and Go? Sorry. Yeah, so there's dead child chimney sweeps, a tragic dog. The meadows used to be a burial ground for people who died during the plague. But now that's like where people go to play hacky sack.

Yeah, absolutely. And if we could bury them. So the meadow that is the burial ground is like where people go to practice juggling and tumbling and parachutery. White people, African dance. Wait. Parachutery? Yeah. Did you seeachutery? Yeah. Did you see the parachute show?

I did not. Okay, so this is actually every day there's a show with a bunch of, I'm pretty sure, our school students. Kind of lift a parachute up and down. And they were handing out flyers for it, but it was just happening there. They're like, hey, check out our show. It's not on now for nothing. You don't need to print the flyers. You can just scream, look over here.

Wait, when you say show, do you just mean their gym class? Yeah. Well, they're wearing creative clothes, so I know they're not in gym. I know that. Okay. Like mascot outfits? Well, everybody's, it's like one lady's wearing a vest that looks like a panda, and then the other lady's got a shirt that looks like a giraffe,

and then there's a girl that has a top hat that has a vulture. Does anybody know what the fuck I'm talking about? Because I've seen it every day. Thank you. Graham's asking if this is a Scottish thing. A Scottish furry thing? Do you guys have that over here? Furries?

The Scottish folk. They're called furries. Rhinoceros. Cool Scotland here, Rhinoceros. Very little. But also something we've done. I don't know if you've done this, Graham, but we took the Whiskey Heritage Museum tour.

I did not. Here's what you do. It's a museum to whiskey. This is... Scotch whiskey. Can I interject here, Jordan? Graham, probably the reason you didn't get a chance to go to this is this is sort of a locals only thing.

Yeah. I mean, I know when you guys, it's been a hard day at the office, you just need to unwind. I know when you guys spend a hard day at the office, you just need to unwind. You go to the Whiskey Heritage Museum, and you ride around in a barrel while a blue ghost explains things to you. So what? It's like a ride at Disneyland. It's really, it is almost exactly like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, only they replace the story of the wind in the willows with the story of how whiskey is distilled. A hologram ghost explains it to you.

I died when a still fell on my head. I was walking there because I was drunk on whiskey. Well, there's no explanation at the beginning of why a ghost is explaining it to you. But then at the end... I guess just Edinburgh,

people are just so used to ghosts that like you would let them be your tour guide? Yeah, Edinburgh's... Well, everybody here knows that Edinburgh's mayor is a ghost, right? Vote ghost, vote ghost. And then they want to elect a new kind of candidate and then elect a werewolf.

For change, you can believe it. Literally. I literally change. Lycanthropic change. Once a month. Literally. I literally change. Lycanthropic change.

Once a month. The thing that's amazing is, so the whole time, you're not sure whether this is supposed to be a window into the 19th century or a ghost. I mean, it's clear he's talking in a sort of cartoon Scotsman voice. You know, he's wearing a top hat. He's got on a waistcoat. You know what I mean? Now, what's a waist got on a waistcoat. You know what I mean? Now, what's a waistcoat? A waistcoat.

A vest. He's got on a lapelled vest. It's kind of a pork stew. You have waistcoats and nappies and tatties and boobies. Food's weird here. So he takes you through the whole process and, you know, it's not a half-bad Disneyland ride as far as as far as adult children's rides go.

That's one of the weird things, I mean, one of the 90 weird things about it is that it seems like it's for kids. Are the children drunk here? How often do you see child drunks just wandering the streets? Or child distillers.

Lil bootleggers. So at the very end of the part where you're riding, and you are riding around in a barrel, at the end of the process of riding around in a barrel, just the ghost says you know like now you'll be off to have your whiskey

and it'll be sending you to heaven and it says and I'll be off too and then he just goes up into heaven well do we know that? he doesn't say heaven he could be going to hell Jesse he could be going to an up hell

that's a good point you know upper hell yes but it's like know that? He doesn't say heaven. He could be going to hell, Jesse. He could be going to an up hell. That's a good point. You know, upper hell? Yes. But it's like... It's not that bad. It's just a Smash Mouth concert. It could be worse. He comes down from heaven every 15 to 20 minutes to do a distillery tour. Oh, maybe that's his...

Maybe that's his punishment. Maybe it is an actual ghost. Just to explain to Italian people. So he has to give 2,000 tours, and then he can go work at Magic Mountain. That's an amusement park in L.A. That would have killed there. In Los Angeles, that was a joke. Maybe not. Magic Mountain not is that part of a

is that a Disneyland that's a six flags go on probably shouldn't these people don't know what it is wait I don't think we have six flags

in Canada either so it's a real cultural experience it was a mistake we can talk about amusement parks after the show Graham are there

amusement parks here in Scotland? Yeah. What are they called? M&D's. They're like, you went to it. It was the whiskey thing. Wasn't that fun?

What is it actually called? M&D's. M&D's. And what is it? Rollercoasters? Yeah. What does the letter stand for? Murder and dismay.

Yeah. What did the letter stand for? Murder and dismay. Yeah. It's just a big fenced-in area, and it's like The Purge. There's no laws. That's what you guys call an amusement park, right? There's a pile of machetes in the middle. And just every so often, they throw in a haughty Englishman. Has anyone seen The Crumpets?

You mentioned that this is the movie The Purge. Yes. Did it come out over here? I haven't seen it, but I know the premise is that once a year there's a day where there's no laws. Yes. You guys probably heard about it. It stars One Direction. Why does everybody in the movie decide that murder is the crime on the day? They never suggest in the movie that anyone does anything other than murder.

Like, if the movie was real, it would just be 40 minutes of public jacking off. And then a little bit of murder at the end. But also some embezzlement, right? Yeah. Some theft? then a little bit of murder at the end. But also some embezzlement, right? Yeah, maybe a little bit of statue fucking. Someone like building a fence slightly onto their neighbor's property. Ah, now his

fruit tree is on my property. I built it on Purge Day. And then he gets a machete to the head. Very boring movie. Anyways, that's all I wanted to talk about. Okay. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Graham, speaking of Jordan, can we check in on your raw sexuality?

Yeah, yeah. Let me, well, it's wet. I'm trying to get to a woman. Soaked in beer, not really doing anything. Not really doing anything Not really doing anything? Yeah Do you think some stimulation would help you? Not manual stimulation

Yeah, sure, sure I'm not offering an H-J Oh, that's a hand job Yeah That's a dance floor Hacking and jabbing Which you people love Haggis and jabs

Oh Jams? Oh yeah, Haggis and jabs. Oh. Jams? Oh yeah, haggis and jabs. That's what he meant. Not the slur. Graham, I don't know.

I am a, Jordan and I have been friends for a long time. We work together all the time. I'm a little comfortable trying to

talk Jordan hard. But I know that it is an area of expertise for you. Absolutely. Yeah, you're kind of branching out into the world of erotica. Right, yeah. As I explain during my show, I don't make a lot of money in comedy. Kind of what you would make at a really good garage sale.

That's kind of my annual take. So I've decided I want to branch out into the recession-proof world of erotica writing. That makes sense, because Fifty Shades of is like an enormous, monstrous hit internationally. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm a very, like, sexual man. Right. Why? You don't need to explain that.

These people can see you. I started to notice that about five minutes ago. But I brought some samples of writing. It's under the title 50 Shades of Graham. And if you think it'll help you get hard, I'm more than willing to share it. It's worth a shot. Okay, all right. Now, usually I like some sultry background music, but just the hum of the...

Do we have any Smash Mouth? Can we turn on some Smash Mouth? Do we have any Smash Mouth? Can we turn on some Smash Mouth? No, there's no Smash Mouth in the booth, Graham. The hand dryer in the toilet is plenty sensual for me. So here we go.

Here's some sample writing. I'm going to close my eyes. What I like, Graham, about your fiction is that it's short. It's just enough to get you hard and get you off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's no, you know, who are these people? It's just right down to the boners and such.

I was the original title, boners and such. That's actually the subtitle of Jordan, Jesse, Go. And a restaurant here in town. Only peas. That's actually the subtitle of Jordan, Jesse, go. And a restaurant here in town. Only peas. It's weird. So here we go. Some choice passages. Are you ready?

Here we go. The air between them was like mayonnaise. The expensive kind. I leave the rollerblades on, she said. He couldn't wait for the nap that would follow. But he could wait a bit. It was like his Lamborghini poster had come to life, and the Lamborghini wanted to do it with him.

Her hands were everywhere, like an octopus, except drier and only two. She couldn't believe what her eyes were seeing, but her eyes were usually good, so she could believe it. Guy picked a real weird time to walk out, eh? You guys got shit to do. Gotta jerk it. Yeah, that's true. That was the perfect time to go jerk it. That guy, right now in his head as he walks up the stairs, he's going,

taking care of business. Hey now, I'm an all-star. Gonna jack off in the bathroom. If anyone sees him in the courtyard, can you tell them about that? Can you just relay the whole thing to him? It was real fun. I think we can all agree it was fun. Should I continue?

How about one more? Okay, one more. Let's see here. Her nightgown left everything to the imagination. So he imagined her with a kangaroo body. Fifty Shades of Graham, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, just because this week's show was recorded live on location doesn't mean that it doesn't have advertising sponsors. For example, our friends at Hulu Plus.

That's right. Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. Stream it on your TV or on the go with your smartphone or tablet. Saturday Night Live, Community, Criterion Films. There's all kinds of cool stuff that you can get for $7.99 a month on Hulu Plus. And, well, hey, you don't have to pony up that $7.99 now. You can try it for free on us. Just go to huluplus.com forward slash JJGo.

That's huluplus.com forward slash JJ Go. That's huluplus.com forward slash JJ Go. Can I make a suggestion? Please. Try before you buy. Yeah. huluplus.com slash JJ Go. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Now, we've asked you in the audience to share your momentous occasions with us. Our fair producer, Rebecca, has picked out a few of her favorites. Our first person is Mike McDonald.

I should say we have a prize for the best momentous occasion, too. Yeah, we do. And we got four here. So you got to really sell it. Really sell it. Yeah. Okay. Mike, what's your momentous occasion?

This week, I went to site to see the first building I ever designed getting built. Wow. Holy shit. Just give him the prize. A man made a building. What have we ever done? Exactly. Unless your male angel really kicked in and made your boner super powerful.

I've also taken four of them. We can tell. Thank you. We can tell even though you're sitting in the balcony. Although, to be fair, your swelling is solely due to that shellfish allergy. As long as it swells, right? Mike, what kind of building was it? Can I guess?

Brick shithouse? It's a two-story steel construction. So you don't know what it's going to be used for? It's a cottage. Okay. That's nice. A steel cottage, just like you imagine. Just like Grandma's old steel cottage.

Reinforced for zombie apocalypse. Wow, well, congratulations, Mike. Congratulations to our friend Mike. Pretty good, pretty good. This one doesn't have a name on it, but it involves sausage. Who submitted a sausage-related momentous occasion? Most of them in Scotland do.

Hi, what's your name, ma'am? Gina. Gina, what's your momentous occasion? Well, we went to Sardinia recently, me and my partner, Kieran, and we bought a massive, massive sausage. For cooking.

That's legal in Sardinia, is it? Well, we thought it was. But when we got to the airport, we saw the sign that said, um, no sausage in your luggage. Was this a pictogram? And is it possible you were confused

as to its meaning? Also, you were trying to move the sausage from country to country? Yes! You don't eat the sausage in Sardinia. That's true. That's the old expression. This could be the plot of a really boring movie. Sausage smugglers.

So what did you do? Did you just discard the sausage? No, no, no. We were hiding it under a pile of... Yeah, hide the sausage. I've heard of it. Under a pile of what? Under a pile of pork chops. They'll never think to look here. Under a pile of what? Under a pile of pork chops.

They'll never think to look here. Under a pile of smaller sausages. Under a pile of cocktail weeders. Under a pile of autumn leaves. Still good. And we were actually hiding it under a layer of cheese. Sure. Did you just make a sandwich out of it?

You just made a sandwich. You said, no sir, no sausages here, just this sandwich. We are but humble artisans moving our sandwich from country to country. We are Subway sandwich artists. That's a commercial in America. Yeah.

sandwich artist. That's a commercial in America. Okay, that's the second sexiest one we've had today. Okay, so Gina, what happened? The first was the building one. So did you, was it in your carry-on or your checked luggage? It was in our hand luggage. In your hand luggage. Okay, and

what happened? Did you pass it through the x-ray? Yeah, we did. We did. Did they take it out? Did they question you? Not at all. Did they take out your sausage? Did they question you? Not at all. I mean, they probably saw it on the x-ray. Did you know that sausage is also slang for penis?

Really? Is it? Makes all that stuff I said a lot funnier. We had a really good hit rate on those nonsense phrases. So, Gina, did you have to declare it at customs? What did you declare it as? Delicious. It was. We tried it.

No, we didn't have to declare it. We just had to hide it because you can't... Sure. Well, you can't take meat over the Sardinian border in your hand luggage, so we had to hide it under cheese and another layer of pasta. Can you... She hid it in a lasagna. Do you do all your delicatessen shopping in Sardinia?

We did, yeah. I mean, it's the place to do it, I guess. Well, we had one suitcase just filled with sausage, cheese, pasta, and biscuits. Just one huge biscuit? A lead biscuit, so the x-ray couldn't get through. Yeah. Well, Gina, that's pretty solid. Congratulations on your success, by the way.

Thank you. Oh, look at this. Someone has a momentous occasion related to our friend John Hodgman from the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I actually saw, I see a Judge John Hodgman t-shirt up there. Who wrote a Hodgman-related momentous occasion in here? Right up there, this gentleman. Are you the guy who's never heard of our show before? No, I've heard of your show.

Oh, okay. He just doesn't care for it. I love it. That's the British expression, love. You sounded like a sarcastic vampire when you said that. I love it. Yeah, right. That's great.

I'm more of a Marin fan. You guys have Marin fans? Yeah, right. I would like to see the golden age of sarcasm, early 1990s. I'd like to see slacker movies reimagined with vampires. If we're going to do some reboots. Chasing Amy and Reality Bites. It most definitely does when you're a vampire,

right? We're having fun. A guy at the... Vampires! A guy in the back row after you said that just went... Like he banged his knee. I think he was a vampire. He was too close to home.

Yeah. He was just... He was coming up. He was just doing instinctively. So what's your name first, sir? Ben. Hi, Ben. Nice to meet you.

Sorry, that sounded sarcastic as well. Hi. I've just got a voice that sounds sarcastic. Sorry. It affects one in ten people. I know. Even when I say sorry, it sounds sarcastic. Sorry. It affects one in ten people. I know. Even when I say sorry, it sounds sarcastic. It's not.

I'm sorry. I'm genuinely sorry. That sounded sarcastic the second sorry. I know, right. So, Ben, tell me, what was your momentous occasion? Well, I just got followed by John Hodgman on Twitter, and I'm really pleased. You know, John Hodgman's a major celebrity. Exactly.

Yeah. And we're all really pleased. You know, John Hodgman's a major celebrity. And we're all really impressed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if that sounded sarcastic. You know what? Can I recommend

a course of action? Right. Now that he follows you on Twitter, unfollow him. Whoa! It's called playing hard to get.

If you want to fuck Hodgman This is what this is about, right? That's the end game? For me? Yeah, the big closer is you fuck Hodgman Alright, enough with the shtick, Chandler Of the friends, Chandler was the sarcastic one. Over here,

it was called blokes. We have one more momentous occasion here. This one is about a third date. Who's the third date? Oh, that's... The young woman

with the red hair here in the back. Speaking of the early 1990s. Sorry, ma'am. What's the name of your ska band, ma'am? By trombone or... What's your name, ma'am? I'm Fiona.

Hi, Fiona. Thank you for coming. And thank you for sharing your momentous occasion. Tell us what it was. Well, I recently moved back from Ohio to be with the man that saved my life. Wait a minute. Hold on to your hat. The man that saved my life. Wait a minute. Hold on to your hat. The man that saved your life? Drowning?

I can tell you were from Ohio by your Midwestern accent. We met in undergrad. We both went to Glasgow University. And then I went to go to grad school in Ohio. And then you went overseas to Iraq. go to grad school in Ohio. And then you went overseas to Iraq. And I was

visiting back for Christmas and we decided to go out on a couple of dates. And on our third one, we're debating whether it's our second or our third one, I went into full anaphylactic shock. And he Wait, tell us what that is

for folks who don't know. Like me. I don't. Basically your body shuts down because of an allergic reaction. I've had it. It's very romantic. Graham almost had it just now when we gave him that shellfish. But the boner

was worth it. It was like a two-story steel building in Wales. There's a cottage in my pants and a sausage in my overhead. Something with Hodren. So what were you allergic to? I'm allergic to histamine, which is produced in your own body, so I'm allergic to? Do you know? I'm allergic to histamine, which is produced in your own body.

So I'm allergic to everything. Wait, isn't it... Like, if it's a third date, do you think you might just be allergic to small talk? Favorite books. Since things seem to be going so well, is it possible that you're allergic to sparks flying? That's why she had to quit her job as a welder. So where were you when you went into shock? London Road. Middle of the street.

Middle of the street. So this can happen at any time? Yes. Holy mackerel. What did he do? Did you have an EpiPen with him? No, I did not at the time, but he force-fed me. That's not a good...

Why would you? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're allergic to what? Allergy pills. Oh, that's... So you're allergic to anything in the world. I'm just laying this out, ma'am. Most foodstuffs, yes.

What can you eat? Paste. Pasta. Pasta. Pasta. Yeah. We know somebody with a suitcase full of it. You guys want to hook up after the show. So what was your course of action when you saw this happening?

What was the... What's your name, sir? Sorry, I'm Ewan. Hi, Ewan. Sorry I added a syllable to your name. I only added it because it's there. So what was it like when the girl that you were dating went into shock right in front of you? Terrifying, pretty much.

Was it in the street? Yeah. So did you know that she was allergic to everything in the world except pasta? I don't think you knew at that point. So this had never come up? No. Well, you've got to keep some secrets in the relationship. Keep the mystery going.

What am I allergic to? Anytime I start on a new relationship, by the time I get to the third date, we talk a little bit about past serious relationships and situations in which we might almost die. Unexpectedly, we might almost die. So you were terrified.

What did you do? Did you just grab her and drag her out of the street? We, on the way back, started to get, well, just started to get kind of itchy

in the start of what would be a reaction. So we took her into like a chemist got her a whole bunch of pills and then just different whatever male angel get her some male angel no this one's not working and then when she passed out in the street um a guy that was passing while i was trying to help her called an. We ended up in the back of an ambulance in the hospital. Sounds sexy. And the paramedic on the ambulance said that if she hadn't had those pills,

it would have gone a lot worse. Oh, yeah. So he was kind of like, hey, here's a tenner to say that. So she can hear it. It was a little louder, wasn't it? Well, I don't want to brag, but I recently went on a third date to miniature golf. So...

That is pretty cute. It is cute. You've got to be cute on the third one. Wow, that is very impressive. I'm very impressed by that. I kind of feel like as nice as a building is... And as dangerous as smuggling sausages. I feel like that has to be the winner, right?

Yeah, I think so, too. And I think, you know, this will help for somebody who, you know, doesn't know when they'll be going into shock next. It's an entire set of cricket gear. That's our show, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Oh, man. Scotland. That sure was fun.

We ate some haggis. Uh-huh. That was not part of what they just listened to. No, no. Was it? No, we didn't eat haggis. Why would we do that? That sounds boring. It would be gross, yeah. You've got to focus on fun stuff, like taking dick pills. Sure. That is fun.

Haggis is totally unremarkable, by the way. Yeah, right? It's not even gross enough to remark upon. It's a grain thing. I assumed it was something weird and gross. Yeah, they just cook it in the intestine. You're not eating the intestine. Every sausage is in an intestine. Yeah, so sausage is grosser than haggis, and sausage is delicious.

Is there some burying involved? Are we going to get an email because you bury the haggis? God, I hope not. Please, haggis nerds, don't. Don't. Dear Jesse, dear Jesse and Jordan, I got me kilt in a bunch when I aired your episode, are you

haggis? Well, off to Toaster Keeper. Ach, I'm off to Toaster Keeper. And finally Scotland. Hey, we also visited the capital of England. Oh.

Jolly old England town, which is called Londonburg. Foggy Londonburg. Let's go to our Jordan and Jesse Go show, recorded live in a historic English pub, right in the heart of the English countryside of London, England. Welcome podcast fans and drunks who just wandered in from downstairs. It's Jordan, Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. A good-looking crowd, especially with this halo effect that we're getting. Everyone looks like they're in a Renaissance painting.

You're all angels. You're all our special angels, is what we're saying. So much fun stuff coming up on our program, this London show. Can I just make a little observation about iconography? No, look. What do you guys think? You want to hear about iconography? Can you give us an observation about iconography? Well, for the folks at home, when Jesse said that,

every guy whipped out his dong. Weird. Iconography. So in California, we have medical marijuana. And you get a license. You go to a medical marijuana doctor. You just say some fake thing that's wrong with you. I've got a headache.

I don't have enough marijuana. Not baked enough. Can only poop on chains. Guys will give you one. And then you go to a dispensary and you get your nugs, your sweet nugs. Sweet, sticky nugs. You guys know about nugs, right? Whoa, put those dicks away.

So In California The symbol for a medical marijuana dispensary Is a green cross It's that medical cross but it's green If you're a Californian With a medical marijuana license And you're visiting London Do not try and score weed in a booth

You can get a nice ice cream cone try and score weed in a boots. You can get a nice ice cream cone, maybe some pens, but do not go into the boots and try and score weed. What's amazing is that in Los Angeles, where we live, probably more pot dispensaries than there are boots here.

Yeah, definitely. It's about one for one. At this point, the pot dispensary is almost the only industry in all of Los Angeles. Like, show business is hanging on, but a lot of that's moved to Vancouver, British Columbia, and all that's left is pot dispensaries. So come on down to L.A. if you'd like some nugs. Should we bring our guest on stage?

I would love to bring our guest on stage. Our first guest this evening is one of the funniest ladies we know. She is the co-host and creator of the hit podcast, Answer Me This. Please welcome to the stage Miss Helen Zaltzman. Hi. Hi, friend. How are you? Well, obviously I'm livid at your casting aspersions on our good British lavatories,

because in America you have massive gaps around the doors in all of your public toilets, which means you get a kind of zoetropic effect of people in a state of defecation. Helen, it's... Do the bathrooms also rotate? At speed. It's a huge mess. I don't know what you're playing at.

It sounds like you just take shrooms and go into American bathrooms. Everyone has a hobby. You do visit America a lot, though. For an English person who works in the English entertainment industry, there's lots of stuff. Espionage. Lots of stuff to do here in the UK. industry... Or do I? Lots of stuff.

Espionage. Lots of stuff to do here in the UK. Well, you say that, but I'm self-employed, which means I don't. I mean, right now, I should be on my sofa watching Columbo. So this is a real wrench for me. But you'll come to the United States... Can someone queue up an episode of Columbo on their phone or something, just in case Helen starts to go crazy? Not one of the 90s ones.

Preferably one of the early ones. Did Columbo continue into the 90s? There's one from 2003 where he's investigating a death at a rave. Where's the... The body is under the colorful flashing floor in the club. It's excruciating.

Because he would have been retired by then anyway. That might as well be Sherlock Holmes on a rocket ship like that is full on anachronistic yeah I'm going to need

to get some information from superstar Lisa Loeb that was my Columbo impression by the way really perfect Peter Falk absolutely gorgeous

thank you why is Lisa Loeb a source I'm just thinking of like in the 90s when you have the rave episode you also have the death at a Lisa Loeb a source? I'm just thinking of like in the 90s when you have the rave episode, you also have the death at a Lisa Loeb concert episode. Well, I mean, this is 2003, so maybe one of his main sources would have been,

I don't know, Sean Paul. Sure, sure. Another dancing man. His main source is Elephant Man, and the question is, did the murder take place Ponde River or Ponde Bank? It's a great Elephant Man song. the question is, did the murder take place Pond de River or Pond de Bank? That's a great Elephant Man song. Big hit around that time.

Where's the Columbo sweet spot for you? Where? Well, actually, there is a really good episode in the poor Columbo period where it starts with the Fine Young Cannibal song, She Drives Me Crazy, so you feel like you're in safe hands already. The murderer, I think it's fine to do spoilers with Columbo, given the structure. Wait, wait, hold on. Do you think there's anybody in the audience of a live podcast that would get mad about spoilers? That doesn't track.

Shame on you if you do. The murderer is the guy who... You guys know Cumberbatch was con at this point, right? Okay. Why are you ruining everything for everybody? Oh boy, heard some hisses. The murderer plays Dickie Tremaine in Twin Peaks. And I think he's having an affair with Joey Tribbiani's mom to cover up the murder.

It's not a classic, but it's certainly thought-provoking. I think that should be your go-to save from here on out. Anything that goes wrong in this show, we can always go back to. It's not a classic, but it's thought-provoking. Unless it isn't. Unless everyone has lapsed into brain death, in which case we failed on that too. But you'll go to

America. You're going there tomorrow. I'm not going tomorrow. A one-day event, and you'll stretch it America You're going there tomorrow I'm not going tomorrow A one day event and you'll stretch it out into like a three week road trip Well if you're there you might as well drive 3,000 miles You've driven 3,000 miles many more times than I

a Native American have done myself and by Native American He means a Chippewa I mean in the same way Johnny Dapp is a Native American. Oh, Jesse, you forgot your bird hat. This is a great disappointment. What is a thing in the United States that I might have missed out on because I've never driven across country?

Oh, Utah. Everyone in America hates Utah. We got to customs coming into San Francisco, and the guy said, where are you going to go to? And we said, Utah. And he was like, why do you want to go there? And then we were driving to Utah, and this woman who works at the only diner, really,

in the middle of Nevada, but it's the nearest place to Area 51, so it's all very heavily alien-themed, and it's called the Little Ailey Inn, I double N. It's tenuous. I've actually been there. I've been to the Little Ailey Inn, and they have two How about a hand

of applause? The Little Ailey Inn. They don't need it. They're the Little Ailey Inn. They don't need your pity. They're doing alright. I noticed two kinds of decor in the Little Ailey Inn. There are some aliens there. They've gone alright. I noticed two kinds of decor in the little alien. There are some aliens there. They've gone for that. Alien

stuff. There's also lots of anti-Bill Clinton bumper stickers. Like, they hated Clinton. But they also love aliens. The one time I drove across the country was when I was ten years old with my father. And you had a license

at ten. Yeah. Your country is weird. I was just years old with my father. And you had a license at 10. Yeah. Your country is weird. I was just on the fucking lam. I was 10 years old, went with my dad. We were going to go to baseball stadiums. Baseball is a sport most directly comparable

to your napping. Think of if naps had hot dogs. And so somewhere in Kansas, and my dad was raised in Kansas City, Missouri, and his family's all from Kansas, so we went there to visit where his grandparents grew up and stuff. Somewhere in Kansas,

just along this long, straight road, and there are these roads that go four, six hours, and it's just corn on either side. Nothing beside, you don't see anything but corn. Just at some point, the corn clears, and along the side of the road is a full mile of Hillary Clinton is a communist whirlygigs. A folk crafts person

who's dedicated his life to creating whirly gigs and other things that spin in the wind had just focused down on Hillary Clinton as a dyke communist. This was an early

Hillary Clinton. This is not presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. So they must be absolutely livid now. Oh, yeah. They must be

real steamed. Plus the Whirlygig market isn't what it used to be. In that zone, is there anywhere we can get some Margaret Thatcher wind chimes while we're in town? Just in that area. But Utah is beautiful. I remember driving through Utah. It has a certain elegance to it.

Especially the salt flats. Well, especially the Mars Rock. I haven't seen the salt flats. That's just flat salts, not so engaged with it. The salt flats are like a plane that is completely salt and go on for like 100 miles. And if people are trying to drive a car like 500 miles an hour, that's where they go. Basically, they're exclusively just baked earth and car commercial shoots.

Just like people going... People who really like salt and flat things are all into it. Honestly, I would recommend a saltine before I would recommend a trip to America. If you just sort of stare at it and squint and pretend there are loads of cars on it. Here's been my experience in Utah

is that it is a heavily Mormon state. They've been Mormon. They've self-Mormoned. Yeah. And it is filled with the most beautiful women you have ever seen who are also eight months pregnant. So if you have, like, a pregnancy thing, hang around a mall in Utah.

But they're Mormons, so does that mean they're not really going to be up for it? Well, they're also eight months pregnant, so... They're tired. I don't know how many women who are eight months pregnant are just out looking for dick. You'd be surprised. You'd be surprised.

Just trawling for dong at the mall. Can I buy you a drink and some cigarettes, I say? Let me take you away from all this. That's what I whisper in there. What is the greatest natural wonder you witnessed in God's United States of America? That is really difficult, Jesse. You've been to my house and met my child. You have some lovely herbaceous borders.

You also walked in on me in the bathroom when you were on shrooms. That's not natural. That's true. I have a robot penis. We went for an unnatural wonder. We passed by a replica of Stonehenge, as they thought Stonehenge would have been before some of it fell down. It's high above the Columbia River in rural Washington.

Well, we wouldn't have had to make it if you guys didn't fuck it up. You just can't get the druids now. They don't like to maintain things. They're not jammed down. Yeah, you know what's still standing? Mount Rushmore. American craftsmanship.

So it's just like a concrete circle. You don't see the World Trade Center collapsing. Too soon. Well, there seemed to be a lot of pro-terrorism. The same guy who didn't like me spoiling Star Trek also enjoyed your 9-11 joke. Don't know. You just never know

what people are going to like. Who is the... What I want to know is who is like the really serious about Star Trek person who also hasn't seen it yet? Well, they...

They are so serious about Star Trek they don't want to leave the house to like... Right. They've got to wait until it comes out

on home video so they can jack off the whole time. Exactly, yeah. Gotcha. Sorry, we cut you off about Stonehenge. Right, that was it.

It's just like a concrete circle with doors in it and it turns out it's a memorial to the dead of the First World War. And why wouldn't it be?

I mean, we only went there because we needed the bathroom and they didn't. We stood, well, America stood with the Druids in World War I

as I understand it. It's weird because their part in the war is very rarely written about, which is unfair. I mean, most of the goats they were sacrificing at the time were our goats. I know nothing about the Druids. I assume they sacrificed goats. And I know nothing about world history. The Druids still owe America a lot of mistletoe berries and ornamental scythes. Can I ask you a serious question?

I know this is supposed to be a comedy podcast, but what is Stonehenge? I know it's rocks. I know it's famous rocks. Yeah. Do they know anything about what it is? Well, now you're getting into it, because some people it's a very meaningful thing, and for other people it's just a garden ornament that went a bit haywire. Now, the people for whom it's a very meaningful thing, those are people

who wear robes in public in contemporary England, correct? Why are you looking at me like I am one? I wouldn't hang with those people. I think you are one. I think you're a secret druid. It's my only timepiece, Stonehenge, which is why I'm always late. Except on Midsummer's Eve.

I bet if you're like... Cool Stonehenge humor. If you're like one of the UK's richest guys, if you're a Branson, if you're a Richard Branson, I bet there's a thing where you can close off, you can have them close off Stonehenge so you can fuck inside it, right?

What do you think about that? Well, you have to get English heritage on site. Oh, sure. And you probably still have to pay the entry fee. But then, as long as you... And you have to... But as long as you don't stick it into one of the rocks, I think it's fine.

Okay. You can fuck at Stonehenge, you just cannot fuck Stonehenge. Yeah, I mean, Stonehenge doesn't go that far. When you say that you have to pay the entrance fee, what you mean is that prostitution is legal, Stonehenge doesn't go that far. When you say that you have to pay the entrance fee, what you mean is that prostitution is legal at Stonehenge? Druids have to have a sideline. Right.

It's like the Native Americans and their casinos. Right. It's not a lot of money. You know, your people, Jesse. Druidic. Can I ask you guys a question about something that happened to me? When we got into the country, there was a huge customs sign. And I took a picture of this customs sign.

This is under the heading Point of Discussion. And it said that you weren't allowed to bring these weapons into the United Kingdom. It's the same. You have to leave your sword stick at home. So for the benefit, we'll just go through, I think we could just go through them real quick, just for the benefit of the at-home listener. Flick knives, not a real thing, made up.

Gravity knives, which I guess is when you drop a knife on someone. Butterfly knives. Those are the ones that are quite cute. Yes. Yeah, that's the one every 18-year-old girl gets a tattoo of. It's the Mariah Carey knife. Push daggers, which is technically all daggers.

Well, some of them are more slicing than pushing. Like a swipey. So you can bring in a swipey dagger. These all sound like weapons Mega Man gets. He's not allowed in. Right. You guys have been stringently anti-Mega Man over here. Self-defense sprays, electric stun guns, I follow those reasonably well.

Well, self-defense spray. Yeah, you're looking at mace, pepper spray. Really? Because my dad's got a spray that he sprays around his garden to keep foxes out that claims to have lion shit in it. My dad's got a spray that he sprays around his garden to keep foxes out that claims to have lion shit in it. The problem is he's going to start attracting lions. Well, they're not going to come back for their own shit, are they? They're going to expect someone else to clean that up.

Not so he lives in... Where did I put my corn? The lion's going through his own shit to find corn. Wait, are lions and foxes like natural enemies of the wild? Yeah, you've never even seen them on the same continent. It's unbelievable. Anyway. Okay, so where did we leave off? Okay, we left off with belt buckle knives. What is a belt buckle

knife? Well, it's like, you know, those massive buckles that Billy Ray Cyrus wears. If you sharpen one of those into a shiv, you can bring it in. I gotcha. I assumed there was a button and a knife kind of pokes out and then you really give it to them. Yeah. I mean, really, it's for carving cheese. Yeah.

Okay. At waist level. And blow belt buckle knives. And this one is just amazing. Death Stars. Really? English government? You guys are

You guys are just worried about your Alderaan Thought that would do better There was just a brainstorming session and one guy said Death Stars It doesn't hurt

to spell it out does it? Just in case You don't want to be the person that let one through do you? After they had already not let him suggest phasers, they felt like they had to give him one. Sword sticks.

Yeah, well, that's a walking stick with a sword inside it. Stealth knife, which I think is... That's a walking stick with a sword inside it. But you actually keep the walking stick inside a giant sword as misdirection. I assumed that stealth knife was a knife that's invisible to radar. You paint it to look like the sky. Disguised knives. Yeah, you disguise them as a spoon. You can never tell.

Knuckle dusters? You just cover your knife in soup and then no one knows. What is a knuckle duster? A knuckle duster is a... It's like a brass knuckles dusters? You just cover your knife in soup and then no one knows. What is a knuckle duster? A knuckle duster is a... It's like brass knuckles, right? Yeah, something you wear on your fist. Jordan, don't act like you know what a knuckle duster is. I think it's brass knuckles.

Miley Cyrus wears them. They're very dangerous. Blow pipes. It's a pipe that blows. It's a pipe for crack cocaine. It's a very simple instrument and nobody likes its shrill tone when a child plays it, so they're not allowed in. You know when they put that on there?

When someone saw the Richard Dreyfuss, Tim Allen movie, Back to the Jungle? Was that what it was called? Back to the Jungle? I don't know. Jungle to Jungle. The Richard Dreyfuss, Tim Allen. Jungle to Jungle. I don't know what you're talking about.

Jungle to Jungle. I'll just remind you, you're playing to an away crowd. It was a group of... Jesse, if my Star Wars thing was lukewarmly received, I don't know how well you're going to do with this Tim Allen story. I think Tim Allen and possibly also Richard Dreyfuss brought a group of Amazonian children to New York City and needless to say

or maybe a whole Amazonian tribe needless to say the more you talk about it the more it sounds like a pretty good movie if this exists I would like a DVD

of it please it was a real fish out of water situation anyway I imagine that there was a lot of blow darts there was a lot of blow darts.

That movie was obviously very big over here, so there was a lot of copycat crime. Exactly. Not anymore. Keep your bloody blowpipes in the States. It's like how dudes are dissolving each other in chemicals now because of Breaking Bad. In the wake of Jungle to Jungle, there was just a lot of random blow-darting. Sure.

Truncheons. Are you acquainted with those? That's like a nightstick, but more old-fashioned. Okay, I had assumed it was something on the parapet of a castle. Aww. Yeah, you can have that. Fine. It wouldn't work from a parapet of a castle, but good for you. Extending baton. That's a big tr. Fine. I mean, it wouldn't work from a parapet of a castle, but good for you. Extending baton.

That's a big truncheon. I do know what an extending baton is. But the last thing is maybe my favorite even more than Death Star. It just says, some martial arts equipment. Bringing in some martial arts equipment? You're rolling the fucking dice, buddy. Who fucking knows? I guess they don't want to, like, you know,

prevent people from bringing in, you know, geese, ceremonial belts and things like that. You know, things used in the practice of martial arts. But like a poleaxe they want to keep out. Sure, yeah. Nunchucks. Yeah, it should just say do the Ninja Turtles

carry it? No way. Yeah, it's weird. They spend a lot of time with... Can't you just put all knives on that? There's so many different kinds of weird knives. No, because you might have a butter knife. And that's very hard to inflict an injury. Unless you pop someone's eyeball out with it.

I'm just speculating. I've not tried it. You could butter all of their food and give them high cholesterol over a series of years. There was that one time you tried it in Utah. We never speak of it. That's why I like Utah, because they don't talk. You know what's not on there, I noticed? Gun.

Regular gun ain't on there. Unlike in your nation, we just assume that people would have the decency not to bring a gun around. Yeah, right. No one would just be randomly carrying around a gun. Yeah, if this list was in the United States, it would just say tank. Tank from the future with lasers on it. Land mine. Yeah.

You know, I feel like since we've been here in the United Kingdom, I've been getting a feeling like there's a lot of moral relativism, confusion about what's good and what's bad. Just a general sense of I wish an American would set me straight. Yeah, I mean, I agree with you 100%, but is there a segment for that? I don't know. Like, it would have to be, like, a signature segment. Like a beloved signature segment. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it would help me to remember what it was if, like, a piece of music would kick in.

Oh, yes. In a world Where morality Can be great It's nice to have a man An American man To teach us about the black And the white

It's Jesse Thorne with Hang It Up And Keep It Up Hang It Up Heathrow Airport You know how sailors would be out to sea for too long and they're eating hardtack and it's full of maggots and they start drinking seawater and they're going crazy and they're going blind and murdering each other and all that?

Heathrow is that with luggage. Hang it up, Heathrow Airport. Photographs of birds. I'm tired of staring into their black, lifeless eyes. Hang it up, photographs of birds. A dream deferred. Could dry up like a raisin in the sun. Could fester like a sore.

And then run. Either way, nothing but bad news. Hang it up. A dream deferred. It's poetry humor. Langston Hughes, folks. You don't like the poetry jokes? You don't like the Star Wars jokes?

There's no pleasing you people! It's very bipolar. It's a real Villaroy and Bosch versus Crapper situation. Tourist walking. Gah! Why are there four of you walking side to side down the sidewalk? Oh, how come you're stopping in the middle of the sidewalk? I swear to God, I'm just going to drop my shoulder and take you out

Hang it up, tourist walking You know you're funny when you get applause breaks. The clouds are parting and revealing a new dawn. For every hang it up, there must also be a keep it up. Keep it up. Putting curry on everything. Hey, United Kingdom. Great job with the curry.

Keep putting it on everything. Keep it up, putting curry on everything. Measuring temperature in Fahrenheit. Look, I get it. Centigrade is a better system by almost any measure. It works out in hundreds, zero is freezing, and a hundred is boiling. It makes a lot of sense. But you know what it isn't?

More convenient for me. An American. And folks, that's how the world works. What's more convenient for us Americans? So hang it up. Measuring temperatures. Excuse me, keep it up. Measuring temperatures in Fahrenheit.

The bubonic plague. You know, maybe I'm in the minority on this one But I really think the Bubonic Plague Cleared out a lot of the riffraff And as an extra bonus I like those leather cones That the doctors wore on their heads So overall I have to say

Keep it up, the Bubonic Plague Burns Day You know, this actual Scottish holiday So overall, I have to say, keep it up, the bubonic plague. Burns Day. You know, this actual Scottish holiday involves poetry recitals and the ceremonial consumption of sheep stomachs. That sheep stomach consumption, by the way, is called the piping of the haggis. Doesn't get much better than that. Keep it up, Bernsdad. This has been Hang It Up

and Keep It Up with Jesse Thorne and American. You want to bring on our next delightful guest? I would love to if the audience was stoked about it.

There you go. There you go. Our next delightful guest? I would love to, if the audience was stoked about it. There you go. There you go. Our next guest helps us write International Waters. She's a beloved comedian and comedy writer. Please welcome to the stage, Ms. Sarah Morgan. Hello. Hello, Sarah. How are you, dear?

I'm good. This is tremendously exciting. I'm a huge Jordan Jesse Go fan, so this reference will mean nothing, but it's a bit like having my letter to Jimmy Savile answered. In a good way. In the best way. Don't know what that is? Don't know why you guys oohed. He's like our Father Christmas.

He's a well-known pederast. He's not Christmas. He's sort of Santa. Sorry, Santa. A Santa figure well-known pederast. He's sort of Santa. Sorry, Santa. A Santa figure. A Santa pederast figure. Yeah. So a Santa figure. Yeah.

He grants wishes for children. That's how I feel today. What? What's going on? Wait, so you guys have Santa and this other guy? It wasn't all bad. Well, he's dead now, so we just have Santa. Santa is dead? You killed Santa Claus? Santa and this other guy? It wasn't all bad. Well, he's dead now, so we just have Santa. That wasn't a bad thing.

Santa is dead? You killed Santa Claus? I thought this way you'd have four months to get used to it. Wow. Wow. How'd you guys do it? With some sort of belt knife?

Did you knife fuck Santa to death? We just thought he was getting a bit arrogant. Yeah, no, that's true. He was getting full of himself. Beard knife was not on the list. We're very happy to... You know, last time you were on the program or last time we saw you

for International Waters about a year or so ago, you were growing a baby inside of you. I was. Just a quick glance confirms that probably the baby's outside of you now? She is outside, yes. How's she doing? She's great. She's she doing? She's great. She's good people.

She's fun. How do you like being a mother? It's lovely. I thought the first sort of year would be sort of like having like a pet, where you dress them and give them a personality, but really that, you know, you sort of just look after them. But actually she's nine months old and she's fun as anything. What's a good thing that she does?

She bounces a lot. She's really good at bouncing. Jordan, you might just have a kangaroo. Yeah. Don't want to, I'm not calling you a moron. Yeah,

I'm slightly concerned because I feel like I may have lost my comedy mojo while I was on maternity leave and my biggest laugh is generally doing like,

pow! That kills. That, oh, Jordan, can I bite you? Shall I bite your fat legs? Shall I bite your fat legs? Shall I bite your fat legs?

No, don't. Don't, Mom. Everyone is. I would like it if you would jingle your keys for me, though. Any raspberries on your tummy? Do you have any objects, permanence, humor? Whoops. Anyway, there's something new.

I didn't know. You know what? My son just turned two years old, and we took a walk. And when we take a walk down our street, he liked to pick things up off the street. It was rocks. And he would collect as many as he could hold in his hand and then give them to me to hold. Now he picks up sticks. And he was picking up one stick and kind of using it like a walking stick.

But the other day, he figured out he could have two sticks and carry them at the same time, and he made up a song. He's a pretty gifted songwriter, I think. So as he was walking, he was going, I have two sticks! I have two sticks! I have two sticks! So I guess what I'm trying to say is he's a really smart kid.

He's basically better than Neil Young at this point. I mean, you know, Sweet Caroline is pretty good, but... Neil Diamond. My baby makes RTG-2. Oh, you said Neil Young at this point. I mean, you know, Swing Caroline is pretty good, but... Neil Diamond. My baby makes all the TV shows. Oh, you said Neil Young. I did. That'll be like Ohio.

Yeah, sure. Four dead in Ohio. Which is the other song my son loves to sing. Very upset about the Kent State shootings. Very upset about that. Someone's still really... Someone's not on board with Kent State shootings, huh? Someone lost a relative at Kent State.

I think there's someone whose reaction to everything we say is just... Star Trek, 9-11. They may have just a sore tooth. Oh, it could be. That's a really good point. Oh, no, Cobra in the audience. Run. Don't run.

That's a really good point. Oh, no, Cobra in the audience. Run. Don't run. So, actually, speaking of kids and kids things, we did something really interesting yesterday. We visited the Toy Museum. Is this something that Londoners go to? Pollock's Toy Museum. Has anybody in here been to Pollock's Toy Museum?

Number one, you should go to this because it's fucking tremendous. This thing is glorious. Yeah, I feel like this. It's a collection of toys throughout the ages. They have stuff from World War II and things from the turn of the century and things from the Victorian era. And it, like basically everything else

I've been to in London, seems haunted. The entire United Kingdom. I mean, I feel like Edinburgh is at least twice as haunted as London. And London's pretty haunted to begin with. Yeah, there's a lot of dolls with cracked faces. You've gone to a toy museum. Of course it's going to be full of creepy artifacts because most toys are horrific. No, not American toys. We have Ninja Turtles. Those aren't creepy. Yeah. Ninja Turtles are awesome. That's a most toys are horrific. No, not American toys. We have Ninja Turtles. Those aren't creepy. Yeah.

Ninja Turtles are awesome. That's a turtle that's come to life as a teenager, lives in the sewers, and murders human rhinos. Anyway, he's friends with this wise old rat man. And everyone eats pizza, okay? Don't tell me your toys are better. Yeah, and they pass around a sexy reporter.

That was in the subtext. No one feels so bad about all the children's entertainers we have that are pedophiles. You guys do have a lot of those, don't you? It's only about 80%. Oh, that's fine. Some of them were puppets and I don't think they count. I think the jury's felt on Morph.

Bagpuss? I'm going to keep saying British things. Danger Mouse? Yes. Danger Mouse is not a paedophile. Oh, thank God. We should check the list. It does get updated daily. I have my suspicions about Banana Man.

So let me ask you, there's a shop next to it, next to the toy museum, where you can kind of buy these anachronistic toys for your kids. You know, you can get them wind-up robots and tin trains and things like this. For the kid-havers, have you thought about raising an entirely anachronistic child who, like, gets to elementary school and the other kids have, you know, Pokemon and nanopets? I don't know. Yeah, I just like to dress my daughter like a long white nightie and have her

sort of just stand in doorways. Oh, so you're raising a young ghost. Yeah, just singing like, don't play by the river. She speaks only church Latin. Backwards. I met a woman, I was at the flea market

and I was buying some clothes in the United States and I met a woman. I was at the flea market, and I was buying some clothes in the United States, and I met a woman. I bought a jacket for my son, and she said she raised her son entirely in rockabilly clothes. That is like a really specific choice to make on behalf of your child. Yeah, she's like, you're getting a swallow tattoo. I know you're too. Right on the neck. Yeah, like, can you imagine, like,

in first grade, six years old, you just roll in with a giant fucking pompadour? With a flick knife in it. Yeah, exactly. They pour all your juice in a PBR can, just make you slug it out of that. That kid's just going to rebel, though, and just dress like a bank manager.

Yeah, pocket watches. Just like Perry Como. Leave me alone, Mom. Also speaking of London tourist things, we went to the John Soames Museum. Soane? Soanes? Soane.

Someone pronounce it for us. Soane. Eight different pronunciations. Just rocketed at us. Marzipan what this is a famous British architect who was a collector and an insane person

yeah like a legendary architect of the 18th century who has this home it's actually a series of homes in a row that he connected that is it is like completely full of classical art, like casts of friezes and like every wall completely covered in those things. And also of note, just at some point you're just walking through, outside of the fact that the walls are completely covered in art, it's pretty normal.

You come to this sort of viewing platform. You look down into the stone basement, and there's a fucking sarcophagus. Just pow. And kind of the amazing thing about this is that it's such a specific kind of museum, and that's kind of the old idea of a museum. And it's just, here are all a rich guy's things. Like he was an architect but he didn't make any of this. This is all the things he acquired.

Like I feel like the only comparable thing is if in like 100 years people were giving tours of Prince's house. Like oh, and here's the fuck sofa. And here's the fuck swing. And here's a statue that will fuck you. I would love it if, like, Prince put a time capsule. Is a time capsule something here in the UK? So I would love it if Prince put down a time capsule underneath his house.

And then, you know, 500 years in the future, that's all they find. And then their main takeaway is just that, you know, the 20th and 21st century was just all about purple shit. Just stuff that's purple. This also seemed fucking super haunted. What have we missed? There was a ghost dog. There's a ghost dog in there. Yeah.

They are pretty open about the ghost of a dog being there. There was a real dog at the toy museum. Just a dog. Oh, was it real? Oh, fuck. You looked around and it was gone. One toy museum. What?

What? Come to think of it, it did disappear when the music box stopped playing. I need Columbo to come help me sort this out. The theme of all our museums, you have to realize, is plunder. So there's a lot of terrible revenge spirits going on in the most benign of museums. So you're saying all these toys we saw were swiped from children in the Congo.

Definitely. Or made by them. These are blood toys. Blood toys. Blood trains. Yeah, well, the ghosts aren't getting them back, though, are they? We're keeping those Elgin marbles. I didn't know about a type of Dutch-English toy called a Mogwart, Mollywog.

You have to be more coherent. Mollywog. Gollywog. Bollywog? Gollywog. Gollywog. I mean, you're going to have to put a special tag on this podcast when it goes out if we're talking about this. Everyone in the room just blushed a bit and looked down.

Yeah, I mean, that person who's going, everyone is looking at their shoes now. There was a whole display of this, and it was way not judgmental enough. Like, I needed much more judgment. Like, it was clear that the display hadn't been updated since 1975, but, like, had I gone through it as the curator, I would have said, I'm going to make updating this one a priority. For your American listeners, I suppose you could translate this into dolls that Paula Deen might have.

Yeah, it is a... Yeah, it was the toy equivalent of a foreword from your grandpa. Yeah, it was just terrifying. And the text next to it just said, this is what it told, this is the pitch it gave. So number one, the first part is about the late 19th, early 20th century, blah, blah, blah, inspired by minstrel, Kentucky minstrel shows and their popularity in the United Kingdom. And you're sort of like, ooh.

And then it continues on. Then it says, and then they were divorced and became more abstracted. And many children didn't even know that they had an origin in a human being and just thought they were a playful prankster character. And then we did this so hard we ripped the collars off our shirts. So then it continues on. Then in the 1960s and 70s

many people came to believe or 1970s and 80s many people came to believe that it was racially insensitive. No fucking shit. Really. No shit. Good work gang. They all look like, you know, when Tom has an explosion in his face

in a very racist Tom and Jerry cartoon. Yeah. And maybe his teeth turn into piano keys. They look like that. And there's dubious music. It's terrible. And so then it says, but then, in the 1980s and 90s, they found a resurgence.

Whoa! We're getting into some weird Nazi shit. No, it's ironic racism, which means it's fine. Oh, boy. People are always complaining, though, that dolls are too white, aren't they? And not representing all the races. Yeah, when you introduce a Gollywood. Yeah, I mean, sure, you're right.

Many people want their cake and also to eat it, and they're racists. I would have just been comfortable. I understand it's a museum. You know, they're representing. I don't want them to pretend as though race relations have always been perfect. Yeah. But just at the end, if they just wrote, also, all this shit above is pretty fucked up. Yeah.

The only safe toy is Lincoln Logs, isn't it? Yeah. It's about the Yeah. Exactly. And it's Lincoln sticks, so you're better than safe. Really? Yeah, you can build yourself an emancipation proclamation. Yeah, but we

really went to some haunted ass shit. Is there anything we're missing out? Is there anything that is as haunted as these places or that's like, you know, haunted in a more fun way? I was telling Jesse

earlier about the Horniman Museum, which if any of the audience knows the Horniman, it's in sort of the darkest south. It's not the Horniman Museum. It's the Horniman Museum.

It's dedicated to this guy over here. Hey, hey, hey. I give guided tours. I've got the audio tour in a variety of languages. It's prime exhibit is a hundred-year-old stuffed walrus. I don't know whether you want to be visually aligned with that. Walruses have famously huge penises.

They're very sensitive lovers. It's the skin of a walrus that was sent back home, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they thought they should fill it. So the whole thing has been filled with no wrinkles and no smoothness. So it's about 20 foot tall and spherical. And it just is the centerpiece of this quite otherwise benign museum. And it's wonderful.

It has its own Twitter feed, the Horniman Walrus. You know, we went to Philadelphia for a Jordan Jesico show. There is a museum there called the Mutter Museum. And the Mutter Museum is associated with this. There's one museum guy in the audience who just went, yeah, yeah. The Mutter Museum was a physician's teaching museum through much of the 19th and early 20th century. Then just, I guess you still can go there for academic reasons, but now you go there to see a five-foot-tall colon.

Just an enormous colon. It's got its own reality series on TLC now, doesn't it? Is it full or empty? Well, yeah, it's full. It's like calcified. Do you guys have the reality show about the scrotum

over here? In America, we now... The Apprentice? In America, we now have a reality show called The Man with the 100-lb.

scrotum. Is that the name of the show? That's the name of the show. They did not come up with a more creative name. Isn't him just going to try and buy underpants

and be like, well, these won't fit. Trying to sit on stools and falling off. I mean, what happens? How can you stretch that out? Yeah, it's a lot of stool humor. What will and won't fit on a stool.

And things hitting him in the nuts. Painting it up to look like a space hopper for the kids. That would be fun. Yeah, just about. That would be fun. Yeah, yeah. Painting it up to look like a space hopper for the kids. That'd be fun. Yeah, just about. That'd be fun. Yeah, I think American reality

television, that's a new low. Sure. You know? Like, we've worked on, you know, they handed out shovels at the old

television executives meeting, and everybody was digging, but I think they hit a new low. What's your guys' if the 130 pound

scrotum show is our worst reality show, do you guys have something that can rival it? Yeah, the 50 kilo scrotum show is our worst reality show, do you guys have something that can rival it? Yeah, the 50-kilo scrotum show. 20 stone. Oh, touche. I went to a pathological museum in Vienna where they had things like waxworks of pelvises that were suffering from really bad syphilis.

You need that realistic. Yeah. I mean, that is rough after breakfast. You can't just have painted plaster or something. No, or just a black and white diagram. Yeah. And they had like a conjoined fetus in a jar. And it didn't seem that educational, but that's because I couldn't read the German captions, so maybe it was, yeah, maybe it meant something, or maybe it was just people going, oh, fetus

in a jar, syphilitic genitals. That's done me for the day. That's tourism. If you were a conjoined doctor, you would learn a lot from that. Or if I was fond of pickling things, I guess. That's some Brooklyn shit right now.

Just artisanal pickling of oddity fetuses. They'll have that in Series 3 of Girls, won't they? I only eat local fetuses. Hey, do you guys want to do momentous occasions? I would love to. Would you guys stick around and hear some momentous occasions?

Hells yeah. So we have this microphone over here on the side of the stage. Okay, we have this microphone over here with our engineer, Nick. So first of all, someone has a car-related momentous occasion. How about the car? Somebody, yes, come on up, come on up. Let's take a lady. We'll take the lady of the family just because, you know.

Hi, what's your name? Sarah. Hi, Sarah. So tell us what your momentous occasion is. It's very short, actually. We just bought our first car. Wow. How were you getting around pre-car? Mainly on the tube. But really, I mean, we bought the car and we just wanted the car,

but the kind of ordeal that you have to go through to buy one. They tried to sell us a 250-pound coating that would stop the car from being destroyed by acid rain. And now we're worried. That's a concern. That is a big issue. I didn't know that. But also, you're going to want to get the Godzilla insurance. Without getting too far into buzz marketing, what kind of car did you decide to get?

We got a Peugeot. A Peugeot, huh? A Peugeot. A Peugeot? A Peugeot. Peugeot? Peuge what? Is this what the UN is like?

When all the translators are on the loo. You know, my earpiece is on the fritz, so. This is maybe, this might be a bit personal, I realize. You want to go out sometime? Yeah. Guess who's got a Scion back in America. You're part of a couple, a married couple? No.

But you're buying cars together? Yeah. Well, not just one, but the main. That's very forward thinking of you. Yeah. Have you guys gotten one at the moment. It's very forward thinking of you. Yeah. Have you guys gotten it on in the car yet? Is there a special coating for that? Same stuff as the acid rain, oddly enough.

It's a dual purpose coating. We need the spray first. Yeah. That's okay. You don't have to say whether or not. I think it would be fun. Have you thought about getting away with a lady friend, sort of Thelma and Louise style? To a dogging hotspot?

To drive off a cliff. Yeah. Fair enough. So you chose a Peugeot, a French car. French car, yeah. The French are known for the quality of their cars. Oh, Jessie, you're thinking of cheese. You're thinking of cheese quality.

They told us when we bought the car that... Wait, hold on. Did the people who sold you this car tell you it was a good car? Yeah, and they said it's got a very high clutch, and that's because it's French. And so we're trying to work out why French people need high clutches. They don't have clutches because they're Americans? I say yes, it's not an automatic.

High clutch. I don't even know what that means, honestly. That may be a phrase in French. Le petit fromage. Do they have a shorter right leg? Oh, you know what I think it is? I think that's actually a strain of medical marijuana from the quiz. High clutch.

Okay, that's a great momentous occasion. First car, very impressive. Well, thank you very much. Congratulations. Okay, we've got a music video-related momentous occasion. Who's got the music video momentous occasion? All the way in the back. Come on up. Come on up. Come on the way in the back. Come on up.

Come on up. MC Scat Cat, ladies and gentlemen. I think he's always late, MC Scat Cat. Did you guys kill him and Santa? You monsters. What's your name, sir? I'm Max. Hi, Max. How are you?

I'm quite all right. Tell us what your... First of all, Max? I'm Max. Hi, Max. How are you? I'm quite all right. Tell us what your... First of all, Max, for our listeners at home, you look exactly like a taller and taller-headed version of our friend Big Time Gene O'Neill. And he's a very handsome man. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy.

What's your momentous occasion, Max? Okay, about two days ago, it was sunrise, like 4 a.m. I'm a film student, so I was working on a music video shoot. And I was just camera assisting, so we had two camera operators. We're on this beach. Who was the band, Sugar Ray? If only. No, there's this folk singer-songwriter, so she's in this huge dress.

On this beach, it was sunrise, there was a lake. Joan Baez? Yes, it was. Fuck Joan Baez Yes it was Fuck yeah Nailed it Nailed it Sit the fuck down But we had two

Two camera operators They're both really Set up with the shots They're both looking Getting the sunrise They're really excited And they fail to notice This huge swan

Fly Land on the beach Behind them And just chase them Off the beach Screaming And if you've ever Heard a swan scream It's fucking on the beach behind them, and just chase them off the beach, screaming. And if you've ever heard a swan scream, it's fucking terrifying.

I have never heard a swan scream. What does it sound like? Are you going to make me do this on a podcast? Yeah, you said it. Yeah, we wouldn't know. We've never even seen a swan. I should have seen it. It's like a kind of... Like a very strange...

Sort of quiet? Just like real quiet? I thought that's what it sounded like when doves cry. It sounds a little quiet. I mean, I'm just saying it sounds a little quiet. I don't understand why it's scary. But maybe... I don't know.

Maybe if you were more committed to your impression... Could you break my arm? Scott's going full swan. I can't do full swan. Swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan. Roar! Yay! Thank you so much for that relentless occasion.

Good swan. That was absolutely gorgeous. Okay. Oh, a cat sanctuary. Huh? Who's the cat sanctuary person? Oh, come on up. Come on up.

Come on up, cat sanctuary. Are you here with Swan Guy? Yeah. I'm so sorry. Are you here with Swan Guy? Yeah. I'm so sorry. Are you guys together? Are you brother and sister? Are you two strangers? We're together.

Well, great. Like, romantically? Have you... Yeah. Have you fucked in a car yet? Yeah, during the first moment of this occasion, it's like, we still don't have a car. We don't have a car. We don't have a car.

My name's Katie. Hi, Katie. How are you? I'm doing well. Katie? Katie. Katie. Katie, can I ask you real quickly?

I know your question is about a cat sanctuary. I can't help but notice that you're wearing a kerchief on your head. You've got a lovely, You've got a cardigan, a lovely butterfly-themed summer dress, and Converse sneakers on. And I guess I'm just having a hard time believing that you would have anything to do with a cat saint.

If you pull out a ukulele, this is really not going to track. You've kind of been bullying these poor people, Jesse. First you told that woman she shouldn't have brought a French car. If you pull out a ukulele, this is really not going to track. You've kind of been bullying these poor people, Jesse. First you told that woman she shouldn't have brought a French car. Then you told that guy to be a swan, be a swan. And now you're accusing her of being a hipster who doesn't like cats at all. I'm trying to help people achieve their full potential.

Stop lying about the cat sanctuary, Katie. What were you really doing? Katie, tell us, what is your momentous occasion? It's not as interesting as the swan or the cat sanctuary, Katie? What were you really doing? Katie, tell us what is your momentous occasion? It's not as interesting as the swan or the cat, but this week I went to a cat sanctuary for disabled cats. Aww.

Oh, I'm such a saint. What was the most adorable disability? Did one have like a fuzzy tumor? One was blind. Oh, blind. Oh, boy. You know what?

I will watch a fucking internet video about a blind cat. Oh, boy. He was called Oscar and he kept walking until he bumped into something. Is there any... Okay, sorry. Go ahead. So I basically went through their routines and stuff, and I'm now a volunteer there,

and my main job is to cuddle the cats. What? What? What? So, okay, well, let me ask you this. What are you doing to train for this? Because, I mean, you don't want to get in there and cramp up. Hyperbaric chamber, right?

Right. I'm practicing on cuddly toys. Wind sprints. What are you practicing on? Cuddly toys. Okay. Do you have cats at home that you can kind of practice cuddle? No.

That boyfriend of yours is kind of pokey. Yeah, he seems a little... He's a little angular. He's a little jagged. I'll make him puff out with pillows under his shirt or something. Can we talk some more about cute kitty disabilities? Are there any tripod kitties? There was one with, like, ADHD disorder.

What? Like, it had a hard time with its math homework? How does a cat have ADHD? That's just being a cat. He would try to climb you. If you were just stood around, he'd just try to climb up you. That doesn't sound like ADHD. You're thinking of a koala bear.

She was wearing her eucalyptus hat. It was very noisy. You hipsters in your eucalyptus clothes. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Can I ask you a question? If I divorce my wife, abandon my child,

beat up your boyfriend, and marry you, can I come to the cat sanctuary? I don't think you need to do all that other stuff. I bet they'll just let you go. No shit! But you know what? You should probably do all the other stuff. I bet they'll just let you go. No shit! But you know what? You should probably do all the other stuff.

Or you could just drive around and fuck up a load of cats. Yeah. And then cuddle them. Oh, yeah, sure. Run the cat over, then cuddle it back to health. Wow. It's like a misery situation. But with a cat.

Misery, the movie? Thank you so much for sharing that with us. That was really good. Thank you. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. That was really good. Thank you. Thank you, Sarah.

Looks like Matt G. Matt G. Yes, sir. Come on up. Matt G., ladies and gentlemen. Look at this handsome guy. Hey, are you at the wrong show? You're a good-looking man. I'm unconvinced by wrong show? You're a good looking man.

I'm unconvinced by those glasses. You're not convinced by them? Prescription lenses? Yes, they are. Carry on. Start everything. No shoes, are they prescription as well? No, they're just ridiculous.

The two of you may literally be wearing the same exact... This guy is wearing... This guy, we should say, he's wearing saddle shoes and he's got cuffed pants. He's basically in a Buddy Holly costume. That's better than hipster, I suppose.

But it suits him. Yeah, there's definitely no hipsters in Buddy Holly costumes. Anymore. Tell us what your momentous occasion is. So my parents were in town and they visited.

I bought a house recently. Your pants were in town? My pants were in town, yes. Most momentous occasions start with, my pants went down. And then a cat climbed my dick. Can I tell you just one thing? This is purely from an American perspective, but being in the United Kingdom with everyone having a

different and very distinctive accent, I feel like I'm inside of a cartoon show. Go ahead. So, my parents were in town. We're imagining you as a talking fox right now. I'm not making a fox noise. So my parents were in town,

and they visited me in the house that I've just bought, and it was just sort of I felt very grown up because they stayed with me, and then me and my dad fixed a cupboard door together, which felt like a real sort of man bonding moment, and we just felt sort of quite masculine afterwards. But then we broke the fridge door as well. Also pretty masculine.

Fucking ripped the door off that motherfucker. Sure. And that was it, really. Oh, and I took them out for dinner as well and paid for it all by myself, which again felt quite grown up. Did you fix the fridge door together and then break another door? No. I spent Saturday looking for fridge door hinges on the

internet. It was really tragic. I should say we're giving away a prize for best momentous occasion. I don't know if we mentioned that. There's a clear front runner. I want to give you a chance to win. Is your dad somehow disabled and did you cuddle him back to health?

He's a big lad. He gives nice cuddles, but he's not disabled. No. Sorry. I'm trying to help you out here. He was ginger. That sort of counts as a disability in the UK. Whoa!

I'm ginger myself. I can say it. Why do you hate your own kind? I don't. You've just got to accept what you are. Well, you're just perpetuating it. I don't understand the United Kingdom's obsession with red-headed people. This is just a thing that just doesn't exist on our side of the Atlantic. Not red-headed people, we have those.

But just a whole culture of talking about that as though it's an important thing. But in America, they just pretend they're Irish, and that's their thing. Well, that's the entire nation of America's thing. There are, like, full-blooded African-American guys going like, Woo, Ireland, St. Patrick's Day, green beer! Right now, somewhere in Boston. That's pretty good. Would you feel like your mom was impressed

was she like oh I raised a good one or were they seeing you act all grown up and started acting really juvenile just to balance everything out no my mom she busied herself elsewhere because obviously it was man time

Chippendales yeah I think she was doing Thunder Down Under Thunder Down Under What's that? It's like an Australian It's where Australian guys strip for bachelorette parties That sounds like diarrhea And they're here today Ladies and gentlemen

Welcome Lance Lightning and Gearshift. This comes back to my pants being out of town. Well, listen, I like you. I like that you started off by saying that your pants were out of town. But I'm going to have to say, overall, C-. Let's go to the last one. What else we got?

Sorry, we had to ridicule you. That's part of this. That's part of this. Also, my apologies for that guy who was to ridicule you. That's part of this. That's part of this. Also, my apologies for that guy who was hissing at you. What a boob. Okay, something about hip replacement. Let's hear about this hip replacement-related one. This gentleman here.

Give him a hand. He's making his way. Already moving quite well. Already moving quite well Already moving quite well Sir, what's your name? Richard Richard? Yes

Richard, tell me What is your momentous occasion? My mother had her hip replaced Second hip replaced Quite recently Same one or both sides? Different side Second one was a different one to the first

Can I ask you a question? Is it like when you get your tires replaced and you have to... Diagonally. Okay, gotcha. Otherwise she goes around and... Right. So your mom's alignment is off, is what you're saying. Exactly that.

She's pulling to the left. My dad was otherwise indisposed. I had to go and help her recover from the operation. With cuddles? And she's blind. Bumping into walls, sure. At one point, I had to help her in the bathroom.

It's a real bathroom, not what you'd call a bathroom. The actual bathroom. Wait, hold on! It means it's got a bath in it. So do our bathrooms. Yeah, right? What do you think an American bathroom is? You think it's just a hole we shed in?

It's a shed where we keep our ranch dressing. You can go to the bathroom up against the tree, isn't that? Yes, it's a euphemism. This was a room in my mother's house. Would you prefer that when Americans have to use the facilities, we just say, well, I'm going to push poop out of my butt. I'm either having a wee.

Having a wee. Thomas Crapper invented the toilet. Okay. That's what that was about. Thank you. And this whole restroom, I'm just going in there for a 15-minute sit-down with my feet up,

but no bodily functions will perform. Was it a beautiful coincidence that his name was Thomas Crapper, or was it a reverse-engineered type situation? Oh, I feel like I'm on QI now. I'm retreating. I think the crap term arose from his name, but I haven't researched it beforehand. I have a feeling it's Dutch. Oh, God. You know what? Can you guys please get on top of this? Why did you have to bring it up?

That's what people come here for. Accurate toilet history. Sorry. Okay. So you were taking a shit in a hall. No. Your mum was. Mum called me down to help her out in the bathroom,

and she needed to get off some pressure bandages that she had on her legs to help her recover from the operation. So I was down there doing that. She wanted to step into a shower. So I was down there doing that. She had her hand on my back and I suddenly looked up and was face to face with my mother's sex organ.

Which I hadn't seen for over 40 years. That's the occasion. That's it. If you were going to do an impression of the sound that it makes, would you call it swan-like?

Wow. Okay. That's all I got. That's it. That's all I got. So, she's a Brazilian? Well, how would you describe your mom's wax job? Oh, my God.

It was, well, I don't know, reconditioned, perhaps. Sure, sure. How is your mom doing? She's absolutely fine. Okay, great. Yes, I think that meeting we had at that moment probably helped her. Yeah, put her on the road to recovery. Given your experience with your mother,

I think this might actually be helpful to one of our other momentous occasions. Do you think the 250 pounds is worth it for the acid rain coating? Yeah, you want to go for that true coat? You really want to go for that? Definitely, the 250 pounds.

And you really want to make sure to get a French-made vagina. Oh, Jesus. And you really want to make sure to get a French-made vagina. Oh, Jesus. And a manual. Definitely not an automatic. Yeah, yeah, you don't want to... Sure, gear shift? I don't know. This isn't going anywhere.

I just think the whole of the first four momentous occasions, he was just sitting at his table thinking, oh, wait, fuck, they call you up to the stage? He just thought these were going to be cataloged and archived. Yes, yes. And, you know, people can come to the Jordan Jesse Goh Memorial Library and sort through them. Well, I really admire that he shared. Okay, so what do we got?

We got swans. We got the car. I mean, look. We can all agree the car couple, very good looking, very charming, and easy grace. But buying a car is not that great. You know, it's like, okay. It makes dogging easier.

That's true. That's a good point. Dogging? What's dogging? Fucking in a car. Oh, okay. That's what I thought you meant. Like dogs always do. Sure. In dog cars. Ruff, ruff, ruff.

You hang your head out the window. I just got that. Ah, head out the window. Great. So I'm dropping that one from contention for best. Yeah. You got any feelings, Helen? Well, I feel so sorry for Richard with his mother's vulva just like branded into his eyeline now.

If he's the underdog, I want him to win. But then you seem very moved by the cat sanctuary, Jesse. Oh, my God. That you've got to go with your heart. Those little kitty cats. Tough to beat. Tough to beat. Jordan, you've got a kitty cat at home that you're probably missing by now.

Oh, boy. She'd love to be hanging out with Bug right now. Just hugging, watching Boardwalk Empire. We love to do that. Yeah, but Cat Sanctuary, it's tough to beat. I don't know. Can anyone make a case for one of the other ones, someone whose momentous occasion it wasn't? Does anyone think we're making a bad choice with Cat Sanctuary?

No. Dead silence. Dead silence. Is anyone on board with Cat Sanctuary? What about Richard? I mean, Richard, do you feel any better just from anyone on board with Cat Sanctuary? What about Richard? I mean, Richard, do you feel any better just from having shared this with a bunch of strangers? That's exactly how I feel. That's the reward, isn't it?

Well, good. We've changed some lives. Well, great news. Katie, come on up to the stage. You're our winner. Ladies and gentlemen, Helen Zaltzman, Sarah Morgan. Hey, we have one more segment from our Edinburgh show. This show, this whole thing, I mean, it's two shows crammed together.

It was getting kind of long. And also there was a complicated visual element to this segment. However, Matt Ricardo is a brilliant juggler and variety performer who was at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. He and I had engaged in what we will generously call a tête-à-tête online over the viability of juggling as a performance mode and lifestyle. He was so gracious and charming, and I was so impressed by the things I saw him doing online when he sent me a picture, that I invited him on Jordan Jesse Go.

And if you go to MaximumFun.org, click on Jordan Jesse Jesse, go, you can find the audio of us talking to Matt Ricardo, me making peace to some extent. I mean. An uneasy treaty. An uneasy, yes. We reach a date. I reach a date taunt with juggling. And then Matt Ricardo does something amazing, which has almost no, I mean, basically no talking. It's got some fun banter associated with it.

Up top. Up top some fun banter. Well, up top there's a lot of fun banter. It's definitely worth listening to. I'm just saying once it happens, while it's happening, it's largely- But you can supplement by going to YouTube and seeing him do it and just pretend that they're- That's a really good idea.

Yeah. Or I wish they could see Graham Clark's face. Graham Clark pulled a face like you wouldn't believe just genuine marvel to be fair i think he was pretty drunk at that point that's a good point that's fair enough not that you know to be it was marvelous to be fair we should be really careful to be fair so yeah we wouldn't want to be unfair anyway go to maximum fun.org click on jordan jesse go and you'll find it in this week's episode uh notes if you want to discuss the show online go to forum.maximumfund.org or use the hashtag JJGo on Twitter or Facebook.

That's a fun way to talk about the show. Jordan, Jesse Go Facebook page. Like that shit. Do it. Like that shit and then write a message. What's your favorite episode? How about that? Write that message.

That's a fun message. I'd like to know that. I'd like to know what people's favorite episodes are. I want to put together a favorite episode variety pack. That sounds like fun. Yeah. Brian Fernandez can put it up on favorite episodes are. I want to put together a favorite episode variety pack. That sounds like fun. Yeah. Brian Fernandez can put it up on the website, and then it will be something that you can send to people. But we need to know what your favorite episode is.

Send the favorite episodes, some favorite moments. Yeah. I mean, if you're being really helpful, send a little time code. Send a time code of a favorite moment. Put it all up in the Jordan Jesse Go Facebook page. Put it on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo. We'll see it. Sounds fun.

Who knows? Maybe we'll fucking buy you a ticket from San Jose to Los Angeles. That's the kind JJGo. We'll see it. Sounds fun. Who knows? Maybe we'll fucking buy you a ticket from San Jose to Los Angeles. That's the kind of shit we do now. Yeah. This isn't a guarantee that we'll do that, but it's not without precedent that that might happen. Send us a picture of your Porsche Boxster. But I want it to be a late model. Yeah.

I don't want some 15-year-old Porsche Boxster. Oh, there should be a sweet babe on the hood, too. Like, you mean like airbrushed on the hood? I mean, I would prefer a real babe. Are we looking for like a hydraulics lowrider type thing? Yeah. Well, I mean, ideally, Latina bikini model. Send us a video.

Secondary babe, airbrushed bikini Latina model. Latina bikini model? That's hard to say. Send us a video of you flipping switches on your Porsche Boxster. Yeah. Whatever is airbrushed on the side, be it a proud eagle with a snake in its mouth, be it La Malinche and an Aztec warrior, be it El Pachuco. It can be whatever. But it should be something from the pages of Lowrider magazine.

On a Porsche Boxster. Right. That has switch flipping capability. That's not too much to ask. Then just hashtag it JJGo. There you go. Who knows? It's as simple as that.

Maybe we'll send you a water bottle. There's no way to know what'll happen our producer is Sonny D Brian Fernandez our thanks to Rebecca O'Malley who brought us on this whole trip yeah um and our thanks to Nick White who produced our trip and did all the recording and all the great all the great guests the people from the venues tons of nice folks helped us out with that. How about all the folks who came out, including folks who came from foreign fucking countries? Yeah, right? That was really fun. That was totally fun. That was really fun.

It made me think that maybe sometime we should go to a major city in our own nation. Maybe we should go to, I don't know, like a New York for the second time in seven years. Nah, fuck that. Edinburgh. Yeah. Nairobi. That's our next stop next stop nairobi monaco we got that one fan in mexico city who tweets us sometime no yeah i'd say let's go to mexico okay to see that one fan let's hit the df and do it big there you go hey one more thank you yeah hulu plus oh god yes thanks to hulu plus where you can binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere get an extended free trial of hulu plus oh god yes thanks to hulu plus where you can binge on thousands of hit shows

anytime anywhere get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to hulu plus.com slash jj go hulu plus.com slash jj go thanks everybody we'll talk to you next time maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported