Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 293: Van Damme Studies

Episode Date: September 30, 2013

Jordan and Jesse go at it alone today and talk about Jordan's recent "dad" audition, a new Ed Begley Jr. movie, and heartthrobs from the past. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles. Just doing a quick check-in here, Jordan. It's a beautiful day in Los Angeles. The sun... What do you think? 72? 73? 74? Jordan. 75? It was a high day in Los Angeles. The sun. What do you think? 72, 73? 74.

Jordan? 75. It was a high of 90 today. Really? The high today was 90 degrees. You're telling me that as we record this, I'm looking at 420. What are we doing in this hot box? Oh, wait a minute.

Yep. We're taking E. What are we doing in this hot box? Oh, wait a minute. Oh, yep. We're taking E. I think I'm going to say 78. Yeah? Yeah, maybe even 80. What do I know? I was saying 74. Jordan.

What a chump. Jesus Christ. I feel like a real dick bag. And for good reason Jordan for good reason now I I am ready for this to be done but it looks like it's going to be looks like fall is here oh the extreme heat

yeah I feel like yeah I feel like it's been done for a little while although maybe we have a different tolerance for heat yeah I think we also live in different parts of Los Angeles

sure I live in a warmer part of Los Angeles. Mm-hmm. I think just my sort of sensuality brings it up a couple of extra degrees. That's true.

Your Latin heritage. Yes. Oh, gosh. No, I am ready for... I'm ready for an autumnal vibe. Yeah? Just a general autumnal vibe. Well, the pumpkin spice latte is back.

Have you tried that? I don't know. Hmm. I did put some pumpkin spice, use it as a steak rub. Oh, there you go. Which is pretty autumnal. Sure. It was sort of pre-autumnal because I was still cooking.

It was kind of a fall steak. Still cooking out. Yeah. You know, it's an Indian summer type thing. Gotcha. You know what I mean? You got some squash, some calabash. John Hurt's there. Yeah. You know, it's an Indian summer type thing. Gotcha. You know what I mean? You got some squash, some calabash. John Hurt's there.

Yeah. John Hurt in Indian summer? I don't even know what that is. Oh, it's a movie about friends who come back to summer camp. I only barely know what John Hurt is. Yeah. Hard to say, really. Lindsay, see if John Hurt is in Indian summer.

It seems like he would be. I had a really magical movie moment this morning. A lot of times in the morning, I take my son Simon for a walk, just sort of up and down our street. You were gunned down, and you told him to take the cannoli. Yes, exactly. We had turned around and were headed back towards the house. And needless to say— How far is this walk?

We're talking about a 15, 20-minute walk, which is to say a couple football fields for a two-year-old. Okay. But, you know, it's a healthy walk for a small child. And as we were headed back towards the house, Simon started, again, really like a movie scene, like a slow clap that builds into a crescendo. He started walking a little quicker and a little quicker. And he said, Dad, I'm going faster. I'm going faster. I'm going faster. And then as he was going faster and faster, he looks at me and he says, Dad, I'm running. I'm running. I'm running.

And then he starts putting his hands up in the air and flapping them around. And he goes, Dad, I'm dancing. I'm dancing. I'm running. I'm dancing. I'm running. Well, which is it? Make up your mind.

And then he saw Teresa and he said, Mommy, I'm running I'm dancing I'm running well which is it make up your mind and then he saw Teresa and he said mommy I'm running I'm dancing I'm running I'm dancing did it now he's done both of these things

independently right but he didn't know that you could do those two things together yeah that's I mean that's huge can you imagine

what an impact it would have made if Jackie Joyner or Kirstie had known that you could do those two things together? Yeah, right? Jesse Owens. That's how I felt the first time I smoked a joint on the toilet. We should write a letter to Usain Bolt right now. P.S., you could also be dancing.

The letter is just a postscript. I'm running. I'm dancing. I'm running. I'm dancing. I'm running. I'm dancing. I mean, it seems like a lesser Donna Summer hit. It does. You gotta put that four on the floor. Oh, yeah, sure.

There you go. I'm running. I'm dancing. I'm running. I'm dancing. I'm the world's worst Diana Ross, who's not great to begin with. Speaking of kids say the darndest things. We should come up with a different name for that. What, when? Kids say the darndest things. Yeah.

That's a copyrighted feature of the television. Oh, sure. We don't want Bill Cosby after us. How about this? We don't want to be like those kids on the corner sagging their pants. No, of course not. You've got a Cosby on your tail. Yeah.

It's lights out. Sure. How about this? Fucking kids. Okay, that's great. Perfect. Speaking of fucking kids. Jordan.

Hmm? You know, I told a funny story about fucking kids. Wait, that's not coming out right. Let's scratch fucking kids. Okay. Scratch. Let's not coming out right. Let's scratch fucking kids. Okay. Scratch. Let's just put that aside.

Anyway, I from time to time will go on a commercial audition. Right. Sure. And I went – and kind of how it works is I'll get a little email in my box with the address of the audition, the product. In your email inbox. My email inbox. Right. Yeah, right.

Yeah, at my office, my secretary will bring. Square in your junk, you'll get an email. Right, right in the inbox. Right in the old lady parts. Yeah, someone will shove an audition tampon up me. Gross. Oh, that was gross. Sorry about that.

It's okay. You know, we all make mistakes. Yeah, right? This has been a mistake-filled podcast so far. So it says, you know, and then it'll say the role. And usually in commercials, your characters don't have names. It's like barista or window washer or, you know, fuck buddy, something like that. Usually it's not fuck buddy. But it's usually-

That would be an amazing commercial. That would be a really good commercial. How come commercials haven't followed the lead of Game of Thrones? Yeah. You know, how come commercials don't have epic fucking in them? I think they should. Fucking on a grand scale. Right. Okay, continue. That would Fucking on a grand scale. Right.

Okay, continue. That would make me buy degree. Right. Like, it's just a locked off shot of a beautiful racially ambiguous couple fucking pounding each other. Yeah. 20 seconds,

25 seconds. Just locked out? Is it centered in the frame Wes Anderson style yes exactly as all commercials are required to be yeah and there's and there's an adorable

music box by the bed so 20 20 25 seconds of fucking and then they both yell degree what am I picking up the next time

I'm looking for a deodorant I'll tell you what it's not it's not just for men. Wait, that's a hair dye. Yeah, it's true. But I would get the right product. You're starting to go gray.

It is true. And it's not distinguished on me. No. I just look like an insane person, a mad scientist. I feel like if I start to go gray, it will not be distinguished. It will be mad scientist. That's a good point. You might look like a mad – but you know what? Once in a while,

you'll see somebody with a mop of curly graying hair, and they'll look very sophisticated in a sort of David Burney type way. Oh, I forgot about David Burney. He looks great. Does he have curly hair? He does. Yeah, it's kind of curly. It's wavy. Okay. Well, I'm just saying... It's like a little bit of a pompadour, I guess. I mean just a sort of a David Byrne-esque vibe. Like a guy who's really got his aesthetic act together.

You know, and maybe I'm just thinking of David Byrne because he did that album with St. Vincent. And there were so many photographs of them standing together, like looking off into the distance kind of blankly. And she is such a striking figure. Very striking. I met her in real life once. Oh, yeah? I was struck the entire time. The entire half hour or 40 minutes I was trying to talk to her,

I was just trying not to be struck by her. Sure, yes, very striking. She's swan-like, I would say. So, yeah, maybe I'm just thinking of him as being something to aspire to looks wise because I – the most recent thing I can think of is him standing next to her, but maybe on his own he's not that attractive. Anyways, we'll look into that. I guess what I meant by that was just that you would have comically broad shoulders. Oh, sure.

Just insanely comically broad shoulders. And I'd always be wearing a duster or something. What were we talking about? we were talking about your commercial auditions oh yeah and why don't they have more fucking in commercials so anyway so this and then usually there will be a little link to the sides which are the lines that you will have to read

and usually in commercials at least the roles I go out for it's never really something where you would have to turn the camera and say you know like um the latest Dell laptop is great for everything you want to do. I'm never the spokesman. I'm always I'd like to see you do a hard sell. Yeah. Right. Straight to camera. Just benefits. Just product benefits. Right. Product benefits. Like like an insurance provider or something. Yeah. I'm usually like befuddled guy in coffee shop or like annoying guy who tries to talk to the girls and they don't want him to talk to her.

Them. Yeah. Anyways, but. Grammar struggling. Man who not know words are say. Man who not know words are say. Man who not know words are say. Yeah. You got it the second time.

So this one, the role was just dad. So it had the address. It had the casting agent. And it had role dad. Hold on, Jordan. Yeah. Stop the presses. Mm-hmm.

Have you ever auditioned for a dad character before? This is my first time maybe auditioning for someone who wasn't in college, who's older than college. Because that's what I was going to say. I would imagine that people would look at you and

think, juvenile. Sure, exactly. Juvenile yutz. Maybe he still doesn't have all his – he doesn't have his permanent teeth yet. Yeah, so I've never been called for dad before, but it was kind of cool. And this one was noteworthy because there were no lines attached to it. And sometimes they don't put it. Sometimes it's kind of like a secret product or if it's like a new phone or something, they won't put the lines because they don't want it to get out that there's a new Android or something like that.

But there was no lines. So I just – and I had nothing to go on. So I just – I'm like, OK, well, I'll just show up looking like a dad. So I put on a nice pair of slacks, put on a shirt and tie and just kind of went to this address. shirt and tie and just kind of went to this address. And so there were a bunch of other people there for dad who all kind of looked like. So it's like they had a specific dad in mind, kind of a younger, goofier, funner dad. And then there were probably 10 sets of twins, twin boys. So there's the goofy fun dads and there are the 10 sets of twin boys and they're all dressed the same, various kind. Maybe they're all about four or

five years old. Keep in mind, I do not know how old any child is. What are you, 10? I feel like my guess for how old a child is is never right. But I'm going to- Sir, I am a sophomore at the Air Force Academy. And then I jingle my keys in his face. I'm like, look at these, little guy. Yeah, so I think they were about four. And so I really don't know what's going on. I write my name on the sheet, and there's a bunch of people ahead of me, and can't, I don't see any lines. Uh, the, the lady who's running the audition is very frustrated because these, these sets of twins are crazy. They're just running around like crazy. And weird that if you got together a bunch of four and

five year old actors, sure, that they would act who have never had to who've never been in a structured environment um uh so it's so i say send them to the air force academy yeah there you go i'll straighten them out let them launch some missiles um so and then the lady auditioning is like uh these twins don't have a dad yet are there any dads and all the other dads are kind of looking around i think they've already been assigned twins and i said uh yeah i'm a dad and she's there any dads? And all the other dads are kind of looking around because I think they've already been assigned twins. And I said, yeah, I'm a dad. And she's like, OK, great. You're with them. You're going in next. And so the this set of twins, they are there with their grandma, who is a is is not originally from this country, I was guessing because English is obviously not her first language. She was from an Asian country of some sort.

The children seemed to be biracial. And she was like, oh, you are such a good dad for them because you both have such curly hair. These kids did not have curly hair. These kids just had normal hair and I was not sure what she was talking about. But the kids were like – they gave them a – they had like crayons and paper out for the kids to play with. And the kids both had, both had these drawings that they were doing. And then the grandma said, look, this is going to be your dad for the audition. And they just ran up to me and they had these drawings and one was mostly red. And he's like, I drew some fire. And he pressed it into my face. And then the other one

was like, I drew some lightning and he pressed it into my face. And then the other one was like, I drew some lightning! And he pressed it into my face. So, I mean, it was weird how they were already kind of like waiting their turn for the other one to speak. It was weird. But they both did something complimentary. So I just sat there for two or three minutes

while they pushed these pictures into my face. Complimentarily terrifying. I mean, that's the kind of thing that a child says in a film immediately before developing powers. Yeah, I know. Exactly. Yeah. She's like, oh, the kids are really excited because I just took them on a tour of a nuclear

power plant. They got into some goo, but I think they're fine. We cleaned them off. We took them to the eyewash station, so I think they're fine. We cleaned them off. We took them to the eyewash station. So I think they're fine. So the door opens and they call us in and the grandma does not go. So it's just me and these kids who I don't know. And as soon as the door closes, they turn into – they were already rowdy.

But their rowdiness amped up to a degree that I can only imagine you see. Here's what I think those Ice Cube movies are like. You know Ice Cube's late career where he makes- Yeah, sure. Well, for a long time, Ice Cube made his career first as a rapper, then as a reasonably legitimate actor, and then more recently, he's made some films that involve him driving an rv or minivan children to various national parks and so forth yeah so i imagine there's a joke in those movies where ice cube is like boy i'm sure glad we're gonna have a relaxing evening at home hard cut

to a room full of kids going this is what blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is what those kids turned into. They turned into just a crazy screaming runaround pair. And the guy leading the audition is like, okay, get them to settle down like I was their parents. Get them to settle down. I'm like, hey, kids, come over here. And so they come and they sit by me and there's a thing you have to do in an audition called a slate where you say your name, sometimes your height, and sometimes you whip it out.

Right. For pornos. Do you have to say? Dick height? Jordan, 5'9", 4'2"? Wow. I'm 5'9 and my dick is 4'2". 4.2 inches.

Yeah. Okay. Am I saying that right? I guess. Yeah.2 inches. Yeah. Okay. Am I saying that right? I guess. Yeah. In heels. Right. Soaking wet.

4'2", soaking wet. What does that mean? So these kids are just going crazy, and their names are Zach and Jeffrey. And so I'm like, hey, guys, say your names. And Zach said, I'm Zach Poo Poo. And then Jeremy said, I'm Jeremy Pee Pee. Ha ha. Swear.

Like. Is this, do you think this was material they'd written? It seemed like it. It was too good. And the timing was too good. It was like, boy, that is like, that's a funny thing you would write for a bad kid to say. Do you think this is something that grandma wrote back in the old country? Her whole immigration journey was to live in a nation where they would have the freedom to do that kind of humor on stage?

Yeah. I mean I think so. Or on screen. I think maybe wherever she lived, the government kind of regulated performance and culture and stuff like that. And her poo-poo pee-pee, last name material, probably didn't fly. Sure. Yeah. So she picked up her kids and then moved to America where you're free to...

Normally the parent would go in. Is that true? I don't know. I don't know enough about the parent would go in. Mm-hmm. Is that true? I don't know. I don't know enough about the world of child acting, but they did. They just, I mean... What was it like back when you were a child actor? It was mostly, it was like...

Have you seen The Hunger Games? I haven't, but I've read synopses. You're kind of familiar with the concept? I've read synopses. It was like a fight to the death. Right. Yeah. I've killed a lot of other children.

Yeah. I read The Treatment for The Hunger Games. You're too busy for movies. Yeah. So you just a lot of other children. Yeah. I read The Treatment for the Hunger Games. You're too busy for movies. Yeah. So you just read Treatments. It's funny since I work in movies, but I just don't have time to watch them anymore. Yeah, or read a script. Or read scripts.

I don't even remember how they work. Are there any good treatments you've read recently you can recommend? Yeah, I can. There was something that was really great. It was about an orangutan who had joined a baseball team. And this thing, I mean, I hesitate to say Oscar before the actual Oscar ceremony hosted by Billy Crystal. Sure. But, you know.

And this primate, is he valuable to the team? He's literally the most valuable primate on the team. Really? And all his teammates are primates as well because, as you know, man is a primate. Sure. I think I did know that. But, yeah, he turns out to be the most valuable primate on the entire team. Which is a remarkable coincidence.

What's the name of this film? I'll tell you why it's a coincidence first. It's because most valuable primate, MVP, is actually the same initials as the award given in Major League Baseball for the most valuable player. Anyway, what was your question before? Is man a primate? You answered that. I answered that one. Yeah.

You had one other question. Oh, any good treatments lately? No, that was this one about the orangutan. Yeah. Oh, does the monkey get it on with a human woman in the movie? No, but I did. You give notes. Oh, okay. You get it on with a human woman in the movie? No, but I did. You give notes. Oh, okay.

You give notes. Thankfully, I had the opportunity to give some notes. You just, in the margins, wrote, get it on, question mark? It was really good. It was called Titanic. Mm-hmm. And I think it would be a really great Ed Begley Jr. vehicle. As the primate? Why not? Yeah. I think he's still a really great Ed Begley Jr. vehicle. As the primate?

Why not? Yeah. I think he's still got the flex for it. Would he be in a suit or would this be like an Andy Serkis motion capture thing? He'd be in an electric car. Okay. That is also a monkey? Sure, why not?

Okay. Just paint a fucking monkey on that thing. And it just drives around playing baseball? And it's called Titanic. Hey, if robots can play baseball in the Nintendo game Base Wars, why can't an electric car? Jesse, that was a horrible dystopian version of the future. Why can't an electric car with a monkey? Driven by Eggbed Begley Jr. This is the stupidest thing.

This is the stupidest path we've ever gone down in the history of Jordan and Jesse Coe. I thought it would end when you said, what's the name of the movie? And I said, Titanic. But this is horrible. Yeah, right. Poor Ed Begley Jr. seems like such a nice man. I didn't mean to drag him into this. He really seems sincerely concerned about the environment.

Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Wait, should I finish the story about the... We can do it when we come back. Oh, great, okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. never thought they'd dare to share. If you've never heard Risk, why not start with our 150th episode? It's an all-star lineup of jaw-dropping true stories from Aisha Tyler. This being the 90s, I was drinking malt liquor. Don't

fuck you in your racist house. We're all racists. We're laughing. Tom Lennon. Whenever I walk into a place that's called Mr. Binkies, I'm expecting Armenian Bumblebee to be like i got jack off pills for you yeah jay moore me public school in new jersey i didn't need to know anything because everybody knew you got pregnant by peeing in each other's butts that's how we knew

andy dick we've had a monogamous relationship for five years i barely cheated on her and the daily shows jessica williams oh my god i have like this need to be responsible for some I barely cheated on her. And The Daily Show's Jessica Williams. Oh, my God. I have, like, this need to be responsible for some reason that doesn't really benefit me. So, like, Jessica, clean it up. Look for Risk on iTunes or, of course, at MaximumFun.org. Risk! Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Morris, boy detective. Jordan, when we left off, you were in the audition room. You had two small mixed-race children running around and saying pee-pee and poo-poo.

Yeah. Jesse Pinkman had been captured by neo-Nazis, being forced to cook meth. So what went down? else uh so yeah so they said pp and poopoo and then went right back to being crazy and running around there was like someone had parked their bike in this audition room maybe it was the guy who was like working the camera but they were like jumping on this adult's bike and you know so and then the guy the guy working the camera is the only other guy in this room and he's like yeah get him to settle down get him to pretend like they're playing in a sandbox was his note and he so i sat down in front of the camera and pretended to play in a sandbox uh humiliating but i hope i hope. I hope these audition videos don't leak online somewhere because there's a good minute of me by myself pretending to play in a sandbox while kids yell in the background.

If you get cast in this commercial, it's likely that that audition reel will end up on the Criterion Edition. Yeah, that's true. I'm just warning you. But at least it'll be lovingly restored. At least it'll be as the filmmaker intended. Absolutely. From the 70mm print. Of course, of course. The original masters.

Nice commentary by Leonard Maltin on there too. You think it would be Maltin, huh? Yeah, oh yeah, definitely. Maltin loves my work. I don't see why he wouldn't. He's an enthusiast. Is don't see why he wouldn't. Mm-hmm. He's an enthusiast. Is he dead?

Is he dead? Couldn't tell you. Jesse? I couldn't tell you. Couldn't tell you. So the kids are not responding to this, and I'm trying to, like, not yell at them, but I need them to settle down. I need them to do this. So it was weird and

so then I yelled oh no this is quicksand and I'm drowning and I pretended like it was there was quicksand and I was going under and they both looked at me and they're like oh my gosh and they run over and both like tackle me so so then I'm just wrestling these kids in front of this camera and trying not to hurt them. But that seemed to be the thing to get them over there. And so they were just kind of body slamming me and WWF-ing me.

That didn't sound right. WWE. WWE-ing me. World Wildlife Foundation-ing you. Yeah, right. Exactly. They were saving my habitat. It had been decimated by poachers. How many people were in the room besides the three of you that were auditioning? So out in the lobby there were, you know, ten more pairs of dads and twins.

And in the audition room was just me, these twins, and the guy working the camera. And Macho Man Randy Savage. Right. Jake the Snake Roberts had gone out for a latte. Right. Well, Jake the Snake Roberts and his twin brother. Right. Does he have a twin?

No. Okay. Oh, because – oh, your joke was that he was auditioning for the child. Yeah. That's great. Thank you. What a funny premise. Thank you.

What a fun and funny premise. Thank you. So, yeah. So I just wrestled these kids for three minutes and the guy's like, and cut. That was great. And they run out. They like run out of the room. The grandma comes over to me.

She's like, oh, did you guys have fun? I was like, oh, yeah, they're great. And she's like, I want to get a picture for their mom. And so I kind of kneel down and I'm like, come on, guys, let's do a picture. And they are just as – they like came out of that room as ramped up as they were in that room. And I tried to get them to sit still for this picture for their mom. And I think it just – it will turn out to be – oh, I had to pick them up and carry them out of the room too because I wouldn't leave the room. So I had to like pick up these strange kids and carry them.

Where is the grandma in this? The grandma is kind of old and doesn't know what's going on. Right. So I think that the picture that they sent to the mom will be me with these kids slung over my shoulders like potato sacks. Anyway, so at the end of this whole thing, I don't even know what this is a commercial for. Like there was that little information provided. This could have just been a weird fetish ring. Yeah, maybe.

That happened to get a few managers and agents' email addresses. Yeah, exactly. And they like – they rented out a real professional casting office to do this. And I looked at the sheet and kind of went – they have little dockets at these things that you can kind of flip through to see what advertising agency is doing and stuff like this. It is for an antidepressant. So basically what this is going to be in the commercial is someone reading the benefits of this antidepressant and the side effects and then just shots of happy people doing things.

So this would just be me, a dad, playing with these kids in a sandbox or something. Anyway, that's it. I've not heard back. I assumed when you said it was an antidepressant that what the commercial would just be would just be a dad with children who regrets his decision to have it. So he's playing in the sandbox. Who regrets his decision to have it. So he's playing in the sandbox.

The kids are going crazy. And then, you know, you just see the dad look into his waistband and there's a revolver in there. And he considers it. He thinks about it, but then he pops a couple pills and goes down to the man cave. Yeah, sure. Exactly. With his neon beer signs. He plays foosball against himself. That's really funny.

That's what they call playing both sides of the table. Oh, sure. I'm wondering about the craziness that these kids turned on. Is this something that is bred into them as being child actors? Do you think they're encouraged to act like this? Or is this just a stage in a boy's life where he acts like this? You mean boyhood? Yeah, boyhood.

Are you referring specifically? Yeah, to being a child boy. I think you just heard a story about my son running down the street with no prompting, waving his arms in the air saying, I'm running. I'm dancing. I'm running. I'm dancing. It seems like that was manageable, though.

Like if you needed to stop him from saying i'm running i'm dancing could you have or would he just do it till he physically yeah physically chloroformic him yeah i could have yeah could have just given him some ether in a rag yeah yeah i mean i i think i don't know i think there's some extent to which boys just knock things over all the time. Yeah. I think even I knock things over all the time. And I mean, I'm the least knock things over of a person. Sure.

Of a boy that there could be, right? I'm a real press. Sure. Basically. Yeah. Sometimes you would set your teacup away from the doily. Yeah. My favorite sport is baseball. My favorite hobby is antiquing.

Mm-hmm. So that's where I'm at. But not as a four-year-old though. No, not as a four-year-old. Yeah. But I didn't go to a flea market with my mom as a four-year-old. Why not? Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. I was wondering if – because I was kind of blown away by this because all the other little sets of twins seem to be pretty well behaved. Like they had done a lot of this before. They knew how to like wait in a waiting room. They knew how to like these kids seemed like they had never done this before and were just,

you know, they were just 10 out of 10 crazy. What's it going to be like, Jordan, when you slip up and accidentally impregnate a woman? Or to like, or I accidentally quotation marks impregnate a woman because I just want to keep her around. Sure. Or you just want the kids so you can get public benefits. Oh, man, that'll be great. Get on those food stamp rolls. Yeah, sure.

Am I right, Jordan? And I'll be more welcome in Chuck E. Cheese's, which is a big thing for me. There's a lot of benefits to, quote, unquote, accidentally impregnating a woman. No, you know, I will say this about the experience is that I, apart from being kind of stressed out that it was an audition, I liked it. Like, I had fun being body slammed by these kids. It was great. And being able to, like, kind of pick them up and throw them around, I kind of liked that they were, like, open to that.

Like, me just picking them up and carrying them out of the room. I'm like, oh, this is cool. I know you've had that problem with girlfriends in the past. Picking them up and carrying them around. And they were close to it. Yeah, that's true. And sometimes I'll say, I'm drowning in quicksand, and they won't even leave their book club. I know.

We're busy in here. What's more important, quicksand or fucking Jane Austen again? Yes. How many fucking Jane Austen books? Yeah. Sorry, Edwidge Danticat. Mr. Darcy will be there. If I'm literally sinking into sand over here.

Yeah. Literally sinking into sand over here. Yeah. But no, you know, I feel like I walked out of that like having had a crazy kid experience and not going like, oh, boy, sure glad I don't have those at home. Like it wasn't one of those where I'm like, oh, great. Back to singlehood. I'm like, oh, that was kind of fun. Like it was definitely more fun than an audition where you just go in and you're like, you know, but where's my coffee?

And then you leave. I think you should stop using protection. You think so? Just roll the dice. Let God speak to you. Do you think herpes is as much fun as kids? I've heard. Yeah.

I've heard herpes doesn't mind a good manhandling. Yeah, right? You can throw it over your shoulder. Absolutely. Take it to play dodgeball. Sure. Yeah. You know what, Jordan?

I would have a good time doing this show with you if your voice was tinged by syphilitic madness. Oh, yeah. Just a drop of syphilitic. A little syphilis. Sure, sure. Just a little advanced, specifically a little advanced syphilis. Okay. So, I mean, it would be a little tough on the listener because your teeth would be out by then. Yeah.

But what I'm saying is just a little bit of, you know, just a little. A bit of a soup. Where'd he go? Where'd he go? A soup song. Sure. A soup song. A nugget.

A little drop, a dripsy dropsy, just as a drop of food coloring is enough to color. So this is a less is more situation is what you're saying. Oh, I don't want you to go overboard with this syphilis. You'll start losing limbs. What did King George have? Did he have syphilis? Probably. Yeah.

Seems like something. Lindsay, make yourself useful. Yeah, what about John Hurt, too? What happened with John Hurt? Can you? John Hurt is not an Indian summer. Lindsay, can you do a quick Google image search for advanced simphilis? Is Kevin Klein an Indian summer? Kevin Klein.

Who is an Indian summer, for God's sake, Lindsay? Anyway. Lindsay Pavlis filling in this week for Sonny D, if you're wondering why we keep addressing Brian as Lindsay. Yeah. We're just humiliating him by calling him a girl's name.

Yeah. Bill Paxton. That's who I was thinking of, Bill Paxton. What's going on with Bill? What's Bill Paxton all about? I don't know. I guess he played the president in that president sitcom that got canceled. So maybe that was the last move Paxton made.

Paxton has been a famous person for a very long time, considering that he has no notable qualities. Yeah. Right? Height. Handsomeness. He's a little tall. Good looking guy. I think maybe when he got started, he was probably kind of a heartthrob.

Can you confirm or deny that? There were probably some times when our moms wanted to bone down with Paxton. Lindsay, can you do a Google image search for Bill Paxton plus advanced siblings? Just run out Henry VIII. Yeah. Isn't it weird to think that there were like – if you watch – if you will like watch those old kind of action movies of the late 80s, your Van Dams, your Seagulls, your Schwarzeneggers, there will be like these va-va-voom shots of them. Like there will be something where Van Dam is changing clothes and they show like his butt in the moonlight and stuff like that. Isn't it weird to think that those ridiculous guys were at one time heartthrobs? Like there were women who were like, oh, I would like to fucking bone down with Schwarzenegger.

And now he's just kind of this weird like he's like this weird leather mound. Like a leather pile. Yeah. But I bet there were a lot of women and probably gay men as well who's like who's some of their first sexual feelings were for like him in Terminator. I know. I think that those those scenes are for straight men who feel both a sense of homosexual attraction but also just a general. A general. They just get a general sexual charge out of it.

Yeah. Like a fantastical sense of proxy power from looking at the majestic buttocks of a Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yeah. Interesting. The powerful flank of an Arnold Schwarzenegger. So you don't think that was for the, that wasn't like, here's one for the girlfriends in the audience.

I don't think that's for the – that wasn't like here's one for the girlfriends in the audience. I don't think that's what that's for. Interesting. Because it seems weird to me. I mean that almost makes more sense to me than, oh, there was a time when these guys were hunks. You know what I would shoot if I wanted to appeal to the girlfriends? Their cranks. Oh, yeah. And then right back to book club.

Right back to book club. Women just want to take a look at that shirt and get back to their business. Is Van Damme, when you see his crank, is he doing a split over two chairs? Can you just see his crank dangling over the floor? Just barely over the floor. A perfect cross. the floor a perfect cross that'd be funny if like oh and then like the bad guys come in and he has to push himself out of the split with his boner so he can fight oh remember all that stuff i said about our that conversation that was. I take it all back,

and I want to apply it to the Jean-Claude Van Damme situation. You know, I guess maybe, were they probably all just trying to be Swayze? Because I think Swayze really rode that line well of being in the romantic movies and then also being an ass kicker. That's the thing. Swayze, I think, is a different situation.

Sure. Because Swayze is like a more badass Don Johnson. Okay. So Swayze's pretty. That works, sure. But he's also legitimately badass. Yeah. Was.

May he rest in peace. So do you think that, you know, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, Seagal, all were just gunning for that kind of two-pronged attack on America that Swayze was doing at once as a romantic lead and an ass-kicker? I think they may have—I think Steven Seagal was shooting for that. I'm going to say Seagal was shooting for that. Schwarzenegger knew what he was. That's why Schwarzenegger tried to do comedy, because he knew that he couldn't... I mean, can you imagine Schwarzenegger credibly

having like a... like a scene, like a candlelit restaurant date scene? Right, yeah. You know what I mean? They're just accidentally crushing all of his forks. I cannot pick them up. You look lovely in the

moonlight. You make me want to be a better man. Short-circuit impressions are fun. Aren't they fun? They're fucking still fun. They're still fun. You know what? If you're out there and you're like, oh, why don't you do a Christopher Walken impression?

That's less fun. It is. Number one, it's less fun. And number two, who knows? Maybe we fucking will. Yeah. Suck on that, asshole. It's our show.

Yeah. I think, I legitimately think, I think Steven Seagal had that long braid because he wanted to have that fluid elegance that a Swayze has. Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. But he still needed to kick ass. Right.

To be legit. Whereas I think a Schwarzenegger just wants to be powerful and his calling card is that men will force their wives to go to that. Okay. Right? Yeah. I think that the most notable thing today about arnold schwarzenegger is not so much his his leatheriness or his moundiness sure it's that because you can

you know it mounds the wrong word pile okay i'm sorry he's a pile thank you thank you very much and i appreciate getting a little credit work when credit is due. I think the thing that is most notable about real life Arnold Schwarzenegger is that because he can be shot heroically on film, in real life, his combination of musclyness or at least a muscly build, which he still has to some extent. I mean, he's a 65-year-old man. Sure. But he still has a musclish build. And shortness makes him look like a weird visitor from another planet. Right. Like a plug of tobacco or something.

You know what I mean? Come to life. Sure. His proportions are wrong when they're not being shot by an expert director of photography. Yeah, right. An Eastern European man who always carries four camera lenses around his neck. Yeah, the only place he looks awkward is at the seventh story of an office building firing a Gatling gun down at people below. One thing that also struck me about Arnold Schwarzenegger, I was thinking about this

the other day. You've seen the movie Twins. Yes. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a pretty short man. I want to say Arnold Schwarzenegger is like 5'8". Yeah. Don't bother looking that up, Lindsay. Don't jump into action just because I'm trying to figure out exactly a fact. But Arnold Schwarzenegger is a pretty small man. Danny DeVito is so small that he looks comically small next to an already small guy.

Yes. That's all. Oh, yeah. That's a tiny person. But they have the same suit on. That is a good point. That's all. Oh, yeah. That's a tiny person. But they have the same suit on. That is a good point. That's very funny. Do you think we would look comically mismatched if we were wearing the same suit?

Yeah, I mean like cream-colored, shoulder-padded 80s suits, sure. God, I'd love to get my hands on one of those. Oh, man, that would be so sweet. Fucking teal t-shirt underneath. Where does Burt Reynolds fit into all of this? Oh, I don't know. The 70s were a whole different thing. I think you could just be like a gruff weirdo and be a sex symbol.

I think Burt Reynolds is cool as shit. Burt Reynolds is cool as shit. It's a shame that all of those Burt Reynolds movies from the 70s are so boring. Yeah. They are so – like people love Hooper. That's the most boring movie in the world. I think one of the things that people, I appreciate that people appreciate how brilliant the American films of the 1970s were. But the problem is – the essential problem is that because it wasn't until Star Wars and Jaws that they thought what if a movie wasn't boring?

Right. You know what? Jaws is kind of boring. Jaws is amazing and I will sit down and watch Jaws anytime it's on HBO. It's a great movie. But there is a fucking long time in the middle of Jaws where Jaws is not in the movie. If the movie was not mega good,

it was fucking mega boring. Sure, totally. I watched The Bad News Bears not that long ago. And Walter Matthau was one of our greatest actors. Sure. So funny.

Have you seen the taking of Pelham 1-2-3, the original one with him? You really need to see that. I think that is right up your alley. I think that's right up your ass. It's Walter Matthau being hilarious, but it's also kind of an action movie and the kind of suspense things really work about it. There's a part where he's racist to some Asian people. Sure. And if you can let that slide.

Well, there's a broad variety of racisms in the Bad News Bears. Oh, sure. Although, you know what? At the end, he looks like a dope for doing that. That's true. So I think it's probably okay. That's true. Oh, and also Pelham1232. The thing that struck me about Bad News Bears was that while the whole time Walter Matthau was being really great,

there's basically no jokes or other things that happen in the movie. Sure. It is 90 minutes of basically nothing happening. Yeah. See also meatballs. Yeah. And Bill Murray. Yeah, sure.

Pretty boring. I mean, Walter Matthau almost saves it for a contemporary audience. But mostly you're just like, God, what a fucking snooze. Sorry, I guess we're going to hear to slay a couple of sacred cows. Am I right, Jordan? Yeah, bad news bears is kind of boring. Yeah, it's tough. I feel like those 70s movies, I think they become legendary to people because of like one or two cool

scenes in them. Yeah, sometimes. And that's the case with a lot of those. Well, I mean, I think it still happens today. Oh, totally. You run into somebody on the street who thinks Anchorman is good. You know what I mean? I don't know.

I mean, I don't think anybody who says anything other than Anchorman is a collection of wonderful jokes is wrong. Do you feel like Anchorman is a collection of wonderful jokes is wrong. Do you feel like Anchorman is mischaracterized? As being something other than it's not? A classic? Yeah. I've heard classic tossed around. I've also heard that tossed around

about Dodgeball. Oh yeah, yeah. Dodgeball is not even that good. There's not even a lot probably not true. Dodgeball is not even that good. There's not even a lot of great jokes in Dodgeball. I mean, there's a lot of great people in Dodgeball. A couple great jokes. You know, four.

Maybe there's seven in Zoolander. Oh, yeah. Zoolander's on Netflix Instant. I watched a little bit of that the other day. There's a ton of funny stuff in Zoolander. Oh, is the other day. There's a ton of funny stuff in Zoolander. Oh, is there? Yeah, there's a lot of great stuff in Zoolander. Maybe I'm mischaracterizing and misremembering.

Zoolander holds up great, way better than you think it would. At least it did for me. The Owen Wilson character has really aged well in Zoolander. Oh, I remember thinking. That guy is still as hilarious as he was back then. I remember thinking when I watched Zoolander, I wish this was a movie that starred Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson. Oh, totally. Because they both light up the screen every time they're on it. Yeah, they're both great.

Yeah. No, David Duchovny's little cameo is real weird and funny in that. I really was pleased at how well Zoolander held up. Okay. Well, good work, Zoolander. I apologize. No, it's, you know. The apartment is good, too.

Yeah, the apartment is great. Watch the apartment anytime and it'll. Sure. It'll really, really juice you. Although, yeah, it's something, I think when you go into the apartment, it's one of those movies that's like, at least for me, was one of those that I saw on like, you know i definitely felt like when i came to college and then beyond i didn't get enough like classic movie education from my family not something we did we just didn't watch a lot of movies period um so i definitely hadn't seen a lot of like those classic movies and like you know i kind of knew about the apartment before i watched i think i checked it

out from the library or something like that i'm like oh there's a lot of suicide in this movie like that is something i think you see that that clip that they'll play of the apartment like during the oscars is like jack lemon making meatballs and like pretending to like hit them into the pot like a tennis racket and he's like singing a funny italian song it's like yeah that movie's about suicide like anyway something i didn't didn't realize it's a goodness it's a it's great yeah and definitely, that's one of those movies that are, like, one of those old movies that has an erratic tone that works for it. Like, sometimes it's like, ugh, that would never be in a movie now. But, like, that works really well. I watched on the airplane the other day, not on the airplane TV, on my computer.

I brought it with me. Sure. The Conversation starring Gene Hackman. And literally, there's three quarters of an event in the course of that entire film. And on the one hand, it was a little bit boring. But I do appreciate if you make if you make 10 movies where nothing happens

you know, one out of 10 of them is going to be the conversation. It's going to be an all-time classic. Sure, totally. You can get everything else right. Yeah. I appreciate that about a 70s film. Yeah. I want to watch, how many days of the Condor are there?

Three days of the Condor. Look that up. Three days? Three days of the Condor. Fucking three days of the Condor is fucking tremendous. Yeah, that's a great movie. That's as much as I could enjoy a film. How tall is Arnold Schwarzenegger, please?

He is not six feet tall. There is no way in a thousand billion trillion years. I've seen him stand behind podiums. Yeah. It's like five, nine. You know, who's also shorter than you'd think.

Who's that? The predator. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jordan, as I was driving here to record Jordan Jesse Go, I heard my very own voice on the radio here in Los Angeles on KPCC. I'm very excited that Bullseye is on KPCC. Excited that Bullseye is on KPCC, which is based in Pasadena, 89.3. If you're keeping track of where it is on the FM dial, you'll find it all the way over on the left-hand side. And we're going to do a Bullseye live show. Great. Right here in Los Angeles. First time in six years at the Crawford Family Forum, which is at KPCC in Pasadena.

It is October 25th, a Friday night at 8 p.m. We've got the great Bill Hader, longtime star of, oh gosh, what's the name of that television program? A House of Buggin'. In Living Color. Good. And we're on the same wavelength. Yeah.

Our friend Jasper Redd is going to do some stand-up comedy, one of the best in the business. Hey, yeah, sure. And we've got other very special guests that we have not announced yet. Can you tease? Can you tease them? I can't tease them. Okay. Jordan, I can't tease them because they're not confirmed. So then if somebody figures it out, you know, it's like if someone was doing a Mad Lib and their guess was Freddie Gibbs.

And then what if the person didn't – the people couldn't – didn't confirm after weeks of them having agreed to do it but they were still waiting for them to confirm. You know what I mean? Let's just say. Okay. Just hypothetically. For instance. That scenario played out. Anyway, October 25th, you can go to kpcc.org slash forum to buy your tickets.

They are cheap tickets. We kept the tickets cheap. If you don't come out to this, I'm going to look like a real asshole in front of all my new friends at KPCC. So please make a point of coming out. It's going to be really cool and really fun. And we are also going to be at L.A. Podfest. Yeah. For those of you in Los Angeles.

It's Friday the 6th or Sunday the 6th. Excuse me. Yeah. Sunday, October 6th. It is going to be a real blast. 2 to 4 p.m. in the Squarespace Ballroom at the Sheraton Delfina, Santa Monica. There are a bajillion other great podcasts. Is there a lovelier Sheraton Delfina, Santa Monica. There are a bajillion other great podcasts. Is there a lovelier Sheraton?

I think, well. The Sheraton Concourse in Butte, of course. That is a really nice, because it's got that mountain view. Yeah. On this coast, is there a nicer Sheraton? The Sheraton Concourse has that view of Butte's namesake, Butte. Yeah. I think that was just a guy who's mooning you.

He was out there all night. Yeah. Was it you? It was, yeah. I just wanted someone to see my Butte. Anyway, you can go to LAPodfest.com for more information about that. And just generally speaking, come out to the show. I don't know if Brian's already given away the pass, but if you go to our Facebook page, like us there, you can get a free full weekend pass.

Yeah. A full weekend pass. You can go see us. You can go see our friend Jimmy Pardo. Yep. Aaron and Brian. Go see Aaron and Brian. Go see Mike Schmidt, the 40-year-old boy.

Sure. Go see Fern and Brian. Go see Mike Schmidt, the 40-year-old boy. Sure. Go see Fernwood tonight. What's that thing called? Welcome to Night Vale. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Haunted Fernwood. I just get confused because they both star Martin Mull.

Yeah. You know how it is. He's got a lot of projects. Yeah, it's going to be a real blast. I think before our show, direct the show before ours is the Indoor Kids, our old pals Emily and Kamal at the Indoor Kids. I'm going to do a little cameo in their show and then rush over to ours. And the great Karen Kilgariff is on our show. Oh, terrific.

That's great. She's going to sing a song. It's going to be a fucking blast. Be funny. Yeah. So we'll see all of you Southern Californians there and the rest of you can continue to suck a tailpipe. Although I think while you're sucking the tailpipe, I think you can stream these things on Daily Motion.

Oh, that's true. You can. You can stream them all, so you can watch it live. Yeah. So, yeah, check out that L.A. Podfest website. They'll probably tell you how. Watch that shit. Do it.

It'll be pretty fun. Watch it. It's going to be tons of fun. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

When something momentous happens to you, our listener, we ask that you call us. Our telephone number, 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN. The telephone number to report abandoned cars in the city of Los Angeles, 1-800-ABANDON, no E at the end of that one, 1-800-A-B-A-N-D-O-N. Put both of those into your phone. Yeah, and of course you can drop off any unwanted babies at your local fire station. Please do not just put those babies in a dumpster. No matter how tempting it may be every time you walk past a dumpster. You can put them in an abandoned car, but then make sure to dial 1-800-ABANDON.

I mean, here's the problem that you're going to run into, Jordan. Timely service. Oh, yeah. Sure. I reported the Dodge pickup truck that's on a flatbed being pulled by a Corolla Fastback that's been sitting in the same place on my street for the past year. Yeah. It's been a few weeks.

So if there was a baby in there, he'd be pretty cranky. He would really. Yeah. Let me put it this way. that baby would want his binky. Yeah. It'd be a real Zachary Poo-Poo situation. You got it. Let's take our first call.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Jess. This is Leslie calling all the way from beautiful Oakland, California, where I was driving the other day and saw a hair place with the best name ever. It was called, drumroll please, These Cuts. Yeah. Best hair place name ever. I just forgot that those are called barbershops best barbershop name ever uh love you guys love the show talk to you later d's cuts incorrect she is incorrect the best barbershop name is the one that i used to drive

by on uh fillmore every time i went to visit my wife when I was in high school and college. Hair Jordan Stevo Styles. That's pretty good. It's a compound name. Hair Jordan Stevo Styles. I'm wondering about Deez Nuts, Deez Cuts. What is that? Like who are they trying to get in there?

I wonder. Is that? Yeah, I mean I trying to get in there, I wonder? Is that? Yeah, I mean, I got to be honest with you, Troy. Is it one of those places that gives you PBR or a latte and has a foosball table? Is it one of those? That's called, like, the gentleman's parlor or something, though, right? Last week, we spoke up in favor of a return to prominence of the phrase Deez Nuts. Yeah.

Because we had enjoyed it so much when we were in high school. Yeah. It was really fun. We had a really good time when Cool Keith said it on one of his records. However, I got a lot of Deez Nuts related correspondence. A lot of people were kind enough to send me products with Deez Nuts in the name and so on and so forth. So you think that Deez Nuts never went away. It just kind of we stopped noticing it. I think.

Yes. And I also think that is has not gone far enough. I think we had overestimated how far away it had gone. Yeah. And thus we made a mistake when we welcomed it back into our place. Do you think it just kind of drifted into general assholery? Yeah. Is that kind of what you're saying?

We knew that it had drifted into general assholery, but then we thought it had sort of fallen off the cultural map. Yeah. But I think the volume of Deez Nuts related correspondence that I've gotten, which is, you know, photographs of commercial products and so on and so forth that are Deez Nuts related, has led me to believe that it has only fallen off our radar. Oh, you think you were in some kind of like West Coast cultural ivory tower? Yeah. And I think it's humming along quite nicely elsewhere among those people who were the very worst to use it at the very peak of its awfulness. Okay.

Not those people who sent it in to me. No, no. Let's be clear. But the people who would dedicate their life to creating a product and then name it some Deez Nuts or something like that. Something to remind you. Okay. By the way, Oakland is the new San Francisco.

San Francisco is totally fucked. The only person left in San Francisco that I can speak up on behalf of is my mom. She's great. My dad. My mom and my dad and my brother if he's still living in San Francisco. I can't remember if he's living. My dad. My mom and my dad and my brother, if he's still living in San Francisco. I can't remember if he's living in San Francisco right now. They'll just stab you at a baseball game these days, right? Oh, that was really bad.

I felt really bad about that. That was like the one shred of moral superiority we had left. Well, at least we haven't stabbed any of your guys, Los Angeles. Sure. But no, yeah, then, although that guy was from, oh, that guy was from one of those real sad Central California, Northern California places. He was, I can't think of where it was that he was from. Panol. It was much worse than Panol.

I don't know what Panol is, but yeah. It was something much worse than Panol. Just think about Oxnard. I mean, don't think about it for too long. You'll get depressed. Do you know that punk rock bands from Oxnard are called Nardcore? No, that's fun. Yeah, I used to work

with a guy at Fuel TV who had a Nardcore tattoo. I think Madlib is from Oxnard. Dr. No is maybe the most famous of those. Most famous Nardcore band. I don't know what that is. Dr. No, K-N-O-W.

Anyway. Dr. No from James Bond? Yeah. He's from Oxnard. He's from Oxnard and he's in a-W. Anyway. Dr. No from James Bond? Yeah. He's from Oxnard. He's from Oxnard, and he's in a hardcore band. Hmm. I guess that wasn't where I expected he would take his career, but I never expected Sean Connery would grow up to be a magical dragon. Sure.

And he did in the film MVP, Most Valuable Primate. Let's take our next call. Hi, this is Rowan from Ann Arbor, Michigan. I was just driving past the local Trader Joe's, which has a particularly terrible parking lot, and an old woman with a walker was trying to cross the entrance to the parking lot, was trying to cross the entrance to the parking lot, and someone honked at her, and I got to see this woman look the driver dead in the eye and slow down.

And it was fantastic, and it made my day. I hope I'm that way when I'm old. Thanks. Bye. I didn't follow that. Did I just have a little stroke? What happened in that? I think you did have a little stroke. Yeah. Stroke, by the way, is a brain attack. Yeah.

Learned that from public service announcements. Me is not understand that call. An old woman was crossing across the driveway of a parking lot, the entrance of a parking lot. Someone pulled up and honked at her to ask her to go faster. She stared the guy down and went slower. Oh, that's great. Yeah. It's fucking kick-ass.

Sure. Great work, old lady. Yeah. Be imposing when you're an old person. Do it. Use your power. Yeah. Exercise your power.

Your elderly power. I really think that our elders are wiser than we give them credit for. Interesting. I mean, I just always assumed they were like dum-dums. No, I think they're credit for. Interesting. I mean, I just always assumed they were like dum-dums. No, I think they're very wise. I would say they're wiser than we give them credit for and a little smellier than we give them credit for. This is really blowing my mind,

possibly more than the fact that ladies in 1989 to 1992 weren't rubbing it out to Van Damme. You know what? We're going to have to take a poll on this. Yeah. I'm curious. For those, I know that there are a lot of ladies

who weren't of age in our audience. When Van Damme, what are we, well, let's focus in on three. What are we looking at? Van Damme, Schwarzenegger, and Seagal.

I guess you could put like Sylvester Stallone in there, but I never. Let's just do Van Damme and Schwarzenegger. Okay. Van Damme and Schwarzenegger. Seagal. And Seagal. I guess you could put like Sylvester Stallone in there, but I never. Let's just do Van Damme and Schwarzenegger. Okay. Van Damme and Schwarzenegger. If you were, if you had flowered. Yeah.

At the peak of their powers. Are we counting gay men in this too or is that a different sort of sexuality? No, because they have different sexual values. Okay. You know, I mean, obviously everyone has a different sexual value from everyone else. Sure. But I just think that, I just don't think it's a one-to-one comparison. Okay.

You know what I mean? I mean, if you are a gay man in the audience and you have jerked it to Van Damme, I want to know about it. Right. I will legitimately say I would like to know about it. Would you like to give out your personal email address? I would like to know about it would you like to give out your personal email I would send it to Van Damme jerk pics at packbell.net um I think I'm a tumblr

fuck yeah Van Damme jerk pics I I say on the forum thread this week we'll make it we'll have Sonny D make it a poll Only answer the poll if you had flowered at the peak of their powers, which we're going to call what, 1989? Let's say Universal Soldier. When's that? That is 92. Lindsay, Universal Soldier. Come on, Lindsay.

God. I think it's 92. It is really tough to get a good backup board operator these days. Yeah, Lindsay. God. I think it's 92. It is really tough to get a good backup board operator these days. Yeah, right. 92! Okay, so. Who knows more about Van Damme than me? So if you were born in 1979 or earlier and are a lady, go vote in this poll.

Please add commentary to the forum thread for this week's episode. Forum.maximumfund.org. We need to know from you. You can also email us at jjgoatmaximumfund.org or give us a call at 206-9844-FUND if you have a particularly significant story of how you felt about those guys. fun if you have a particularly significant story of how you felt about those guys. But this is important because, Jordan, I don't know if you noticed this, but they just gave out the MacArthur quote-unquote genius grant. I did.

It was $625,000 a year over the course of five years. Yeah, I noticed when I got one. No strings attached. Vijay Iyer won one. Recent Bullseye guest yeah our friend Jada Boomrod

from Radio Lab one one a year ago two years ago maybe I won for my cat feeding songs oh really

yeah you really I've broken a lot of new ground there thank you they're very danceable yeah right exactly

but I kind of want I kind of want like my next batch to be more dissonant. Sure. Yeah. Like I want it to be like a wall of sound. You're really on a Dan Deacon path with this. A little bit, yeah. It's a mix of a pop sensibility, a certain kind of indie dance ability, and then it's kind of challenging avant-garde quality that you would be more likely to associate with a John Cage or a Steve Reich. Yeah.

Than you would necessarily with a Jordan Morris cat feeding song. Yeah. I mean, if this were film, I would kind of want my next batch to be my Cloud Atlas. Sure. If that makes any sense. In contrast to your previous batch, which you had titled Kitty Diddies. Sure, yes. That was my Kitty Diddy phase.

Well, I have yet to win a MacArthur grant. And I think that our work in Van Damme Studies could result. JCVDS. Yeah. Could result in one of those no strings attached checks in the mail type situations. That'd be great. Right? Yeah. Are or were ladies flicking it to Van Damme or Schwarzenegger? Was that some shit you were into?

Yeah. At the time. And if you're, here's the thing. I want it in a socio-cultural context. Sure. If you're just. Are you biracial? If you're, no.

If you're just into muscle dudes. Yeah. I want to know in the comment. This is just going to be yes, no in the forum thread. But in the commentary, give us some background. Like if you're just into muscle dudes, you're just into muscle dudes? Yeah. You know what I mean? But I want to know like, well, in the 70s, I was into hairy dudes with mustaches.

But then by the early 90s, I was. And then in the early 80s, I was into new romantics. Right. By the late 80s and early 90s, I was into weird muscle dudes. And by the late 90s, I was into boyish man girls like the star of Titanic, Mr. What's-His-Face. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio. Sure. Ethan Hawke. Is it possible Leonardo DiCaprio. Sure. Ethan Hawke.

Is it possible Leonardo DiCaprio is not good at acting, by the way? I mean, I think he has been both very good and very bad at acting. Okay. Yeah, I think he's all over the place. The only Leonardo DiCaprio movie I've ever seen is The Beach. That's a weird one to have seen. Right? I don't think I've seen any other Leonardo DiCaprio movie I've ever seen is The Beach. That's a weird one to have seen. Right? I don't think I've seen any other Leonardo DiCaprio movies.

Yeah. I never saw Gangs of New York. Yeah. Never saw Titanic. Mm-hmm. Oh, Catch Me If You Can? Catch Me If You Can. I did see that.

That's a fun one. Yeah, I did. I thought he was good in that. Totally. That was all the- Did you see Django? I didn't see Django. I really like him in Django. I think he's great. He's having a little fun. He's he was good in that. Totally. That was all the- Did you see Django? I didn't see Django. He's really-

I really like him in Django. I think he's great. He's having a little fun. He's not being so dour. Oh, yeah? Yeah. It's a fun movie. I really like it.

Is it like when Brad Pitt does a voice and you're just like, shut up, Brad Pitt? It's a little more- It's not as goofy as that. Okay. Yeah. I hate that. Brad Pitt doing a voice. He doesn't do voices too much these days.

Give me a fucking break, Brad. What was the last voice he did 12 monkeys just because you're super gorgeous doesn't mean that you you can just go around doing fucking voices any more than just because Justin Timberlake is super gorgeous yeah means he can go do fucking comedy I think the voice period of Brad Brad Pitt's career is pretty over I think that was that was Guy Ritchie and 12 Monkeys. What about the Tarantino movie? Which one are we talking about? The World War II one. Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, I like that one. Anyway. I like the movie. Yeah, yeah. I just wanted to punch Brad Pitt. I was like, shut up, Brad Pitt. Sure. I liked how dead-eyed he was in that.

I thought the acting nugget that I really enjoyed from him in that was just he, I thought the acting, the acting nugget that I really enjoyed from him in that was just, he just looked fucking dead-eyed. He just looked like he didn't care,

he didn't have a soul. I thought, I don't know. I think that, I would go on so far and say that's my favorite Brad Pitt voice performance. Okay.

Anyway. Fair enough. Sure. Next call, please. Hey guys, it's Ken from D.C. I was just driving down the freeway

and saw a van, a plain white windowless van with the company title painted on the side. And the title was just Authority Cleaners and Punch-Out Specialists. I was just wondering what kind of business that might have been. You think it's like a hitman or something? I don't know. What are your thoughts? Bye. Well, it's someone you can get if you have a problem with Glass Joe. Right. King Hippo. If you can't master one of the combos. You can't get the pattern quite right. Oh, gosh. Someone told me that Soda Popinski from Mike Tyson's Punch Out was like, God, he was like Vodka Drunkinski originally or in Japan or something like that. And they're like, no, that's too racist.

We can't do that. So they changed it to Soda Popinski? Yeah. So he's not into vodka. He's into Soda Pop. Anyway. Makes a lot of sense. Vodka Drunkinski. Does that sound right?

You know who told me a lot about boxing? Hmm. John Darnielle of that sound right? You know, he told me a lot about boxing. Hmm. John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats. Oh, yeah? Yeah, on the cruise. John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats just wants to talk about boxing. I'm like, who am I to stand in the way? And then he got a boxer on one of his album covers, Get Lonely.

Does that have a boxer on the cover? I think probably so. Yeah, I think it does. John Darnielle is very passionate about boxing. Ooh, that is a sad, that is a sad, sad album. Anyway. He'll make a sad song. Oh, totally. He'll tear your heart out. Oh, absolutely. No doubt about that with old John Darnielle's very passionate about boxing. That is a sad, sad album. Anyway. He'll make a sad song. Oh, totally.

He'll tear your heart out. Oh, absolutely. No doubt about that with old John Darniel. Yeah. He's a man of many passions. Hmm. I was fascinated by his passions. Boxing is one of them.

He got boxing. He was giving me and our friend Goose, Chris Bowman, Goose was getting some dub reggae picks. Oh. All right. I'm not going to lie to you. Downloaded some of these picks. Yeah. Some pretty solid. Some pretty some dub reggae picks. Oh. I'm not going to lie to you. Downloaded some of these picks. Yeah.

Some pretty solid. Some pretty solid dub reggae. Pretty solid dub reggae. I mean, Prince Far Eye. Mm-hmm. Two Sevens Collide. I mean, these are some recommendations that. Sure.

These are some solid gold recommendations. Yeah. You know, he wanted to start off. I think if he wanted to give us deep cuts, he could have. He was trying to start us off easy. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Because what do I know from – I mean, look. I barely know about King Tubby meets Rockers Uptown.

You know what I mean? Sure. You know what I mean, right, Jordan? Yeah. Why wouldn't I? Forum.maximumfund.org, ladies. We need to know. And this is seriously on you because, let's face it, a lot of our audience are 19-year-old men who listen while they play Grand Theft Auto V. That's the truth. They've modded it to where the cars in Grand Theft Auto play our podcast.

There are a few. It is introduced by Bootsy Collins, like the music in Grand Theft Auto, but it's just our podcast. There are a few. They are. It is introduced by Bootsy Collins, like the music in Grand Theft Auto, but it's just our podcast. There are a few like 20. Also Keith Morris also introduces some of them. There are a few like 25-year-old animators. So if you are one of these 35 and over ladies, we need you on this one. Yeah. We need you. Yeah, don't think, don't assume, if you're a 35-year-old lady out there and you're listening,

don't assume, oh, they've probably got lots of entrance to this. They don't need me. I'm just a drop of sand in an hourglass. No. You're better than that. Where's Janie on this one? Get her out here. She's got to stand up and be counted.

She's got to make her voice heard. Yeah. Where's our other 35-year-old? I don't think of any other ones. There are some others, though. Oh, there totally are. Some folks that come to a Max Fun Con from time to time. Tell us about, and compare and contrast with Swayze.

Yeah. How do you feel about a Swayze at Don Johnson? Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine there's any of those 35-year-old ladies who aren't all about Swayze. That seems like, that seems like, I can't, I think the outlier would be someone who's like, yeah, I wasn't that into Swayze. I think that's, that's super unusual. I was only kind of into Swayze? Yeah.

You mean? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I was always a Barbarino man myself. Old Vinnie Barbarino. Sure. Hey, sit on it. Give me Travolta or give me death.

Yeah. And when I say that I'm really into Travolta, I mean in this time period that we're talking about, early 90s Travolta. Oh, like Broken Arrow. Yeah, like a Broken Arrow. Like a shirt. Travolta. Like a goofball Travolta. Yeah. We'll be back in

just a second on jordan jessico it's jordan jessico i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan moore's boy detective yeah another smash hit podcast in the books. Good for us. Lindsay, go ahead and mark this one down a grand success. And you know what? When you're doing that, use a pen. Yeah. Oh, also dot the I's with happy faces. You know what? Hearts.

Even though there's no I's in either of those words. Can you use Marvy brand colored markers? Okay. Oh, also, who's John Hurt? Oh. As always, it's been a great pleasure to talk to you, America. Thanks for listening. And you know what?

Thanks to all the folks who've been sharing our 1,000 Cones video. That's great. That's tremendous. You can find it on YouTube or you can find it at MaximumFun.org slash 1,000 Cones. Thanks to all the folks who've been reviewing the show in information tunes, telling people about it, writing blog posts about it. I appreciate all of those things. And thanks for having us on in the background while you do your rampage missions.

Exactly. What's that? You kill as many guys as you can? Yeah, so you go to a rampage zone. You have to go to a zone for that? Yeah, it's a special zone. You can't rampage outside of the rampage. I mean, you could, I guess, rampage, but you don't have unlimited ammo.

Is it like Hamsterdam from The Wire? I don't know what that is. It's, you could, I guess, rampage, but you don't have unlimited ammo. Is it like Hamsterdam from The Wire? I don't know what that is. It's where you could buy and sell. It was a radical experiment that the mayor introduced where you could buy and sell drugs in this one special area. Excuse me, the chief of police. Actually, if I'm remembering correctly, don't email me,

Remembering correctly, don't email me. He became the chief of police after he introduced it. Can people email you if they also include a story about masturbating to Van Damme movies? Yeah, all right. Okay. Fair enough. You can include any wire corrections in on that. Yeah.

Hey, Jesse, can I do a couple plugs before we go? Yeah, you doing any shows coming up? Yeah, well, you know, if anybody out there has the Pivot television network, you've got that. If you have DirecTV or Dish, I'm going to be on their show Take Part Live Wednesday at 9. Is that hosted by Meghan McCain? Don't know. One of their shows is hosted by Meghan McCain. I don't think so. I don't think it is. No, it's not.

She does have a show on that. But no, it's not a Meghan McCain show. It'll be me and some other movers and shakers talking about the issues of the day. I think you should watch that thing and then tell them to have me back. This is a really cool, fun new network for millennials like us. There you go. So if you remember The Little Mermaid. Yep.

And if you did high school dances to the Vanga Boys, you're going to want to watch this. What's the Vanga Boys? I think that's come on, ride the train, and ride it. Lindsay? Lindsay? They might be It's We Like to Party. How's We Like to Party go? I did it

Venga Boys Right? The song is called We Like to Party But the refrain is them saying the name of the band Yeah Right? Like they're not sure that they're getting the band right Venga Boys?

Yeah, right? Then they say, right? It's barely even musical. Yeah. Well, it's dissonant. It's like John Cage. We've talked about this. John Cage is more conceptual.

Well, potato, potato. Hey, also, if you're in the Southern California area and you're listening to this before Saturday, I'm teaching a sketch comedy class at the Westside Comedy Theater. If you want to learn sketch comedy on Saturday afternoons, go to westsidecomedy.com and click on classes. That's a great opportunity to hang out with Jordan. Sure. Learn information from him. Observe the broad variety of different skill and talent levels that sign up for a class like that. Be the funniest person in the class probably.

Oh, you can totally be the funniest person in the class. If you already have mastered the concept that in a comedy sketch the waiter doesn't have to be French, you are already 10 steps ahead of everybody else. If you don't automatically go into a comedy sketch assuming that the waiter should be French. I think that there is a lot to be learned from taking a class from Jordan. Jordan is a brilliant sketch comedy writer and a great and patient teacher, as many folks who have taken his classes at Max Funcon have attested to me personally. Thank you.

As many folks who have taken his classes at Max Buncon have attested to me personally. Thank you. Thank you. So, and many people who have loved with him for the first time. Sure. Have told me. I mean, I really approach lovemaking like I do teaching a class. Sure. And that's a lot of things that I tell my lovemaking partners. You don't have to be French.

Right. Don't automatically put on a wild French accent just because we're boning down. Not everyone has to be the crazy one in the scene. Right. Don't automatically put on a wild French accent just because we're boning down. Not everyone has to be the crazy one in the scene. Sure. You know, one person should always be the straight man. Yeah, exactly. These are the kinds of lessons you can learn in any class that Jordan teaches.

Try it with me. What's going on in here? Well, I don't know there you go some classic straight man lines what are the names of the players on this baseball team our thanks to Lindsay

our thanks to Lindsay Pavlis for manning the boards on this week's episode and of course our producer is Brian Fernandez. Sonny D, we'll talk to you next time on, oh, our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design. Courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can get it on the best of The Free Design from Light in the Attic Records, which is a really beautiful CD that you should really actually go out and get. Not just to hear the song.

They have a lot of beautiful songs. Would you call it Venga Boys-esque? I'd call it Venga Boys-esque. There you go. Am I doing it right? Yeah. I had the right amount of dissonance. We like to party? There you go. You're not sure. You're not sure. You're legitimately not sure.

And a final special thanks to a special friend of this program who passed away this week. We really want to honor Ed Begley Jr. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Go.