Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 294: Toast Head with Kimberly Clark

Episode Date: October 7, 2013

Comedian Kimberly Clark joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of toasters, placenta eating, and the end of the Zune era.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I gotta do the weather real quick. Please do.

Of course, it's a great city of Los Angeles. You'd be rioting in the streets if you didn't. iPods hurled to the ground, stomped upon. Early October, mid-October is coming up. Got a high in the low 90s today. I may have gotten a little bit of a sunburn. Yeah, you have some color. Got a little bit of color?

A little color. Yeah. Oh, but I can't guess. We got a big show tomorrow, Jordan. That's right. We have to be lily white for that. People want us peaked, pale. We should mention that our show is in the Victorian era.

Right, exactly. So we apply powders to our face. Our show is just us dancing a minuet while a harpsichord plays. And then we fuck our cousins. Sure. And we make fuck our cousins. Yeah. Sure. And we make jewelry out of our dead relatives' hair. Things about the Victorian era.

Come to see us. We're in the parlor. So we introduce our guest on the program. Sure. She is a stand-up comic. She was a guest at BoatParty.biz. I was lucky enough to meet her at BoatParty.biz. Ms. Kimberly Clark. Hi, Kimberly. It's very nice to have you on the program, Kimberly.

Thanks for having me. What's your favorite Victorian dance? I'm afraid I don't have one. Yeah, that's okay. That's fine. That's reasonable, really. I'm going to research. I'm going to be honest. I am so excited to have a guest on Jordan Jesse Go who wants to talk about Robin Thicke with me. Oh, my God. I don't know. I feel like you and Shelby Farrow had a 10-minute Robin Thicke conversation.

To be fair, Jesse, there's been a lot of Robin Thicke talk on this podcast. And why wouldn't there be? Has there really? Why wouldn't there be? Why wouldn't you? Number one, he's got the song of the summer. Number two, he seems like a fun guy. Number three, I read an interview with him where he said he once spent $100,000 in one year on marijuana.

I mean, that's great. There's no reason not to talk about Robin Thicke. And his first single was a fun song about jacking off. He's like the modern-day Michael McDonald. He is. Not that Michael McDonald's deceased or anything. No. I mean, Michael McDonald's still going strong.

Yeah. And by going strong, I mean a lot of comedians do impressions of him. Yes. I think that's mainly the space Michael McDonald exists in now is impression. I think when you say that he's the modern-day Michael McDonald, what you're saying is Michael McDonald is actually in the future because he invented a time machine. Yeah. Michael McDonald has become unstuck in time. He's traveling between planes, solving mysteries.

Okay. So how are things with you, Jordan? They're pretty good. Well, on the subject of music, I had a little bit of a music-related loss recently. Really? music. I had a little bit of a music-related loss recently. Really? I had my car broken into and by car broken into, I mean, I guess I had left my trunk unlocked. Oh boy. And I have a Scion where you can get into the car

if you climb over from the trunk. Not a lot was taken. They took a shirt I had. My mom gave me a kind of an ugly shirt from Nordstrom Rack for my birthday. Sure. And I had had it in the car in the bag with the receipt since my birthday in May. They took that. You were going to take that back

to the rack and get yourself some body products. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah. Nice Nautica belt. Sure. And then some cologne to go with. Like a pack that has a belt and some cologne in it. And a lotion. Yeah, some lotion, sure. They should have a contest at Nordstrom Rack, $100 if you can find a product in Nordstrom Rack that came from Nordstrom's.

I feel like I will go to Nordstrom Rack and I'll see something. And this is usually why I'm in Nordstrom Rack is because my mom got me something from Nordstrom Rack for my birthday and I'm see something I'm like, and this is usually why I'm in Nordstrom rack is because my mom got me something from Nordstrom rack for my birthday and I'm taking it back. And so it's, you know, it's a little bit of a scavenger hunt to find something that's, that's wearable. I think Nordstrom rack does a pretty good job of catering to the grownup skateboard chic aesthetic that you are so well known for. Right. Although apart from vans, I don't really have any skateboard chic material these days.

Fair enough. Thank you. I feel like the jokes about me on this podcast are just the jokes about me from college. I feel like I still have to fight skateboard clothes and ska. I feel like that's all people want to joke about with me and it's like – I don't know. It feels fake to me these days. Anyway. So yeah, but that's the thing about Nordstrom Rack is you see something that's all people want to joke about with me. And it's like, I don't know. It feels fake to me these days. Anyway. So, yeah.

But that's the thing about Nordstrom Rack is you see something that's kind of acceptable and then you'll turn it over. Well, there's some old English on the back. Yeah. Well, there's this kind of clothes that is like rack filler at discount stores. Yeah. So all these discount stores started to sell actual outlet stores and so on and so forth. Started to sell actual stuff that didn't sell in a real store. But at this point, if you go into a Nordstrom rack, I mean, if you go into the J.Crew outlet in an outlet mall.

Sure. Literally nothing has ever touched the shelves at J.Crew. It's just a shittier version of the stuff from J.Crew. Yeah. So I had a, so that got stolen, the shirt with the receipts. Right. Maybe they could, hopefully they're taking it back. Maybe they're going to cash in on it.

Well, you know what? Maybe you can like do some investigating and- Fucking encyclopedia brown this shit. Yeah. Oh. And see if they return it or, you know what I mean? Maybe troll Nordstrom racks. Yeah.

Yeah. You'll need a disguise. I will need a disguise. I will need a disguise. Get some skateboard chic clothes. They won't expect that from you because you don't dress like that anymore. Sure, exactly. Get some Hurley. Yeah.

Throw on some Hurley. But it's like some high-end Hurley. Get some promotional clothing from a movie from 2009. Sure, exactly. And you'd wear it around and they'll be like, wait a minute, isn't that Jordan Morris? And then the other guy will go, no, he hasn't dressed like that since like 2008. Yeah, right. I feel like I fucked myself like that too.

I feel like I made jokes about wearing like junket clothes and now people just expect to see me in junket clothes. I feel like I've become the worst version of myself on this show. I sometimes hate what I've become. Like whenever I talk about music and they're like, oh, you listen to something other than Real Big Fish, I just feel like a pile of shit. Yes, I'm a grown adult. Yeah, I know.

I know. So what made you change your whole image? Well, I mean, I wasn't in college anymore. Well, here's the thing. I think I think, oh, God, and we're talking about a podcast on a podcast, which I want to shoot myself for. But I feel like this is something I've been I've been dealing with a little bit lately is that, like, there's the things about yourself that you joke about, like the parts about you that are a little embarrassing and that are kind of funny. And I feel like, you know, on the podcast, it was like, you know, I was super into ska music in high school. So that's a fun thing to make fun of. And, you know, I did a lot of like promotional movie stuff for a job. So I had a lot of promotional stuff around. So that was a fun thing to goof about. And then

it becomes like and then I feel like feel like we joked so much about it. It kind of became who I was. And then I'm like, God, I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Wait. When you say it became who you were, you mean like The Secret style? Yeah, exactly. Like I just said it so much. But I feel like – I feel like – there's also some jokes like Jesse's the married guy with kids and I'm the single guy with the apartment.

I feel like I told somebody who listened to the podcast once about not having a toaster. Like I don't and I don't. It's my choice. I don't have a toaster. I don't toast a lot of things. It's not that you went to the store and couldn't find the toasters. Right. Exactly.

I know what a toaster is. I just don't eat a lot of toasted toasted products. Not even a toaster oven. Not find the toasters. Right, exactly. I know what a toaster is. You chose not to have one. I just don't eat a lot of toasted products. Not even a toaster oven? Not even a toaster. I did have a toaster oven for a while, but felt like I wasn't using it. So I'm saving valuable kitchen space. Sure. And so I told somebody-

You need it for the bread maker. Right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. My garlic press? The fresh bread maker, which is how bread should be enjoyed. Thank you. Thank you. And then as I was talking to this guy, I'm like, oh, yeah, which is how bread should be enjoyed. Thank you. Thank you.

And then as I was talking to this guy, I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't have a toaster. He's like, oh, man, what a pathetic bachelor. Don't even have a toaster. Come on, man. And I'm like, whoa. Dang. I don't not have a toaster because I'm pathetic and can't manage my life anyway. Yeah.

No, you're right. It's hard. It's hard to have people know little things about you. I know. Yeah. So it's weird. It's like I feel like I want to make jokes about myself, but I don't want to become a cartoon of a guy that I don't like. Like if I saw a guy who was in his 30s and just listening to ska music, I would think that guy was like a goofball and I would hate him.

And I'm like, whoa, but to like, like. You just really hurt the feelings of some people who you were really their hero. Well, here's the thing, though. I feel like a lot of people who make the ska joke at me just know Real Big Fish and are just making a joke about me. I feel like it's, it's, it's not like coming from a place of like, oh, I like that too. It's like, there goes old Skye Skanks a lot. Anyway, this has gotten way too inside baseball. Can we cut all of this out?

They stole your Nordstrom Rack bag. My Nordstrom Rack bag. Medical marijuana card. My medical marijuana. No, no. That is thankfully, safely still in my wallet. Your funny haircut. Yeah, exactly. So then they stole a pair of headphones that I had gotten from Clout, so I don't feel too bad about that. So are you going to get plus K for getting shit stolen?

I know, right? For being a robbery victim? And then I, they also stole my Zune. Oh, shit. That's not good. This is the end of an era. Yeah. I stole my Zune.

To give you some context for this, Kimberly, Jordan and I are celebrity Zune enthusiasts. Okay. Zune, as you probably remember, is the Microsoft competitor to the iPod. is the Microsoft competitor to the iPod, was distinguished primarily by being squarer, coming in a variety of colors, and being inarguably somewhat better. But not better enough to justify its stupid name.

Yes, exactly. Or that they said they wanted you to squirt songs. Yeah. I think that was lingo that we came up with. No, we came up with rocketed up your Zune hole. I think we were saying squirt songs. I think they wanted you to. No, I think they wanted you to squirt songs. Okay.

What did they want you to do with songs? Shotgun songs. No, I think they wanted to squirt songs and we wanted to shoot songs Up Your Zune. So, yeah, I left some – a few years ago, I left my Zune on an airplane. It was a really sad time. And I looked for it and never found it. And by that time, the Zune had been discontinued. This was a few years ago.

And I lucked into a Windows phone a couple of years ago that uses the Zune software. And look, when I say lucked into, I'm not trying to brag. My iPhone had just broken and they offered it to me for free. You had enough McDonald's Monopoly game pieces. I got offered it for free because I'm a social media influencer. Kimberly, now you can say you know one. Okay. But don't brag too much.

I won't. It's unseemly. And that has sort of filled the Zune-sized hole in my heart. But, Jordan, I presume your Zune, which you've had even longer maybe than I've had my Zune. Sure. I remember you got your Zune from someone who got it promotionally from Adult Swim. So I had that Adult Swim Zune. And that, I think, I forgot how I lost that.

I lost that somehow. But like the Zune so much, I got the Zune HD. Can I point out, by the way, that all of these marketing strategies are totally paying off for Microsoft? It's just four years too late. Yeah. Thank you for continuously plugging this defunct product. I have to honestly say I don't know people that have Zooms. Well, you're correct. Yeah, you're absolutely correct.

You are now talking to the two guys. I mean, I've seen them in magazines. Sure. This is the closest I've gotten to a Zoom. High fashion magazines, I'm sure. You saw it in Vogue. Uh-huh. Vogue, Essence, Harper's Bazaar.

Sure. Stuff like that. The top magazines. This is the closest I've ever been to a Zune. Yeah. You know, the Zune had what they kind of how they separated it from other MP3 players was it had like a social feature where if there were other Zunes in the area, you could swap songs with those Zunes. And I would always hit the little scan button and it would say, nope, nothing in the area. Better try again.

No Zunes. Do you think there ever will be? No. So, yeah, so I had that, and it's gone, and I had to go and buy an iPod. Really? Yeah. Can't you just have songs on your phone like everyone else?

Well, it got to— Do people still have MP3 players? You know, I liked having it. I like having a little designated MP3 thing. So if I'm doing a map on my phone, I can also it's you know, my podcasts are uninterrupted. But yeah, I like the fact that right now there's some. I don't know if I don't know if this was a junkie. I'm assuming, you know, the people who break into cars late at night are junkies.

I like the fact that maybe there's a junkie going around North Hollywood trying to fence a Zune with every Super Chunk album on it. Or like maybe this is a junkie and he's got like a towel out at a swap meet and he's my Zune, and then like a Betamax player. A Creative Labs Zen. Sure, and then like a bunch of Ed Hardy stuff. Like he's just a little bit too late on all this stuff. That really is the end of an era, Jordan. Yeah. But you know what?

I think it's a beautiful sunset. I think we took the Zune on our backs. And there's no doubt about that, Kimberly. Kimberly, the Zune – the marketing for Zune, they were really struggling. They had the squircle, which was the squared circle that they used instead of the round circle on an iPod. You know, I just – Did they actually call it that? They called it the squircle.

Okay. We took this product on our backs and we carried it for years. But at the end of the day, Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft, has to bear some of the load. We're just podcasters, Kimberly. You know, we're just two men.

And are we big, strong, handsome men? Yes. Are we powerful social media influencers? Obviously. Jordan's got plus clout. Sure. I got a free telephone. But at the end of the day, we can't do it all ourselves.

There's only so much you can do. That's a really good way of putting it, Kimberly. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. I'm Cameron Esposito, the host of Wham! Bam! Pow! This is an action and sci-fi movie podcast on MaximumFun.org. We talk about punching. We talk about car chases. We talk about

arms. Muscles that are on arms. And every week I'm joined by panelist Rhea Butcher. That's me. And of course also Ricky Carmona. Oh, I'm all up in it. That's what's up. The Afro Spokesman. We are going to give you all of the jokes and all of the happiness and all of the information that you need to watch action sci-fi films to the fullest.

Find it at MaximumFun.org or you can subscribe on iTunes. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Kimberly Clark Chocolate Girl Wonder. Yeah, I like it. I like it. You had that in your back pocket. Yeah, kind of. Kimberly, are you heir to a paper products fortune? I wish I was. That would be fantastic. You know, it's so cool, though, to go into a public bathroom and see your name on a toilet paper dispenser. It makes you feel so important. Yeah.

Honestly. I mean, that's why I buy exclusively Morris Duchess. On a toilet paper dispenser. It makes you feel so important. Yeah. Honestly. I think. I mean, that's why I buy exclusively Morris douches. Morris brand douche. I don't even use them. I just like having them in the bathroom. Sure. I mean, Kimberly, I can understand why your folks would choose that name for you.

You know, Kimberly is a beautiful name. But when they added the hyphen in between the first name and the last name, that seems like too much. A bit much. Seems like a bit too much. Well, you know, black people, we like to be different. Sure. I understand that. I want to get to know Kimberly Clark because I don't know you well. I'll admit that. I know that you're from Syracuse, New York. I don't know anything about Syracuse, New York. Tell me about Syracuse, New York. Syracuse, New York.

I don't know anything about Syracuse, New York. Tell me about Syracuse, New York. Basically, it's in central New York. It's in the central part of the state of New York. So it's not quite in Canada like Buffalo. And it's not near the city of New York City. It's basically a college town slash factory town. But the factory part is kind of dwindling.

What do you got there? Apple picking? You got apple picking? Yes, there are apples. I mean, I have been apple picking, too, by the way. No, I'm no economist. I've never claimed to be. Okay.

I'm Jordan. Oh, that's right. I did try to get laid at that economist's convention. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm one of you guys. Plus, there was that one Halloween when you went as Robert Reich reich sure but again also to get laid right oh man i call that the pussy halloween he was reich i was man q and we were at each other like you wouldn't believe it was a lot of fun um uh so yeah it's a college town and a factory town. Factory is not doing that great. I'm saying switch gears.

Have the factory start producing something that the college town can use. Scarface posters. Right. For instance. Dragon bongs. Dragon bongs. That's a good idea. Yeah.

You should be the mayor. I should be the mayor. You should be the mayor of Syracuse. That would be dope. Can I tell you guys something funny that my mother-in-law said to me? Please. So my in-laws are visiting. Just got in last night.

It's always an absolute pleasure to get a visit from my in-laws. And I do not say that sarcastically. They're just the most pleasant people you could ever hope to meet. For the folks at home, Jesse is making the jack-off motion. For those not in our studio audience. Sorry, I couldn't think of a nonverbal way to communicate the fact that my in-laws are always jacking off. They're just highly sexual people. They are. Wow. No, my in-laws are absolutely wonderful. They're just highly sexual people.

Wow. No, my in-laws are absolutely wonderful. And we had this interaction. So my wife is really pregnant. She's eight and a half months pregnant now. And so they were visiting just to hang out with Simon, my son, and just goof around and, you know, take some load off my wife and so on and so forth. And they had this interaction this morning where someone said something, oh, my son Simon said he wanted some jam.

And my mother-in-law said, speaking of jam, and she went over towards this bag that she had brought into the kitchen. And my wife said, did you bring us jam? And my mother-in-law said, my mother-in-law is the kind of person who— Did she pull out fish live at Red Rocks? My mother-in-law is the— Speaking of jam, listen to this nine-minute guitar solo. My mother-in-law is the queen of all caretakers. So she said, no, but I could get you some jam. Speaking of jam, listen to this nine-minute guitar solo. My mother-in-law is the queen of all caretakers.

So she said, no, but I could get you some jam. And Teresa, my wife, said, no, you don't need to go get us jam. I just thought you were implying that you were about to pull jam out of there. And so my mother-in-law says, oh, I brought this gluten-free pumpkin bread. Needless to say, no, but it was thoughtful of her. Anyway, she pulls out this gluten-free pumpkin bread. Needless to say, no, he wants some fucking... But it was thoughtful of her. Sure. Anyway, she pulls out this gluten-free... Also, shove your thoughtfulness up your ass. Sorry. Exactly. Thanks to fucking in-laws.

Am I right? Yes, she is. Anyway, she brings out this pumpkin bread. My wife has a slice of pumpkin bread. It's very nice. And my mother-in-law is sort of hovering a little bit. And then she says just sort of out of nowhere, what kind of jam do you guys like? And Teresa's like, you can't go get us jam right now, Mom.

And then my mother-in-law goes, I am just so pumped to be here right now. Oh, that's beautiful. It was like the greatest thing anyone said ever. She just wants to go jam shopping. Just wants to go jam shopping. Just wants to jam on out, you know? Was there any jelly in the house? Oh, well, we had preserves.

Oh, okay. Jellies. And we had other pectinated products. Good. Pectinated fruit products. I don't want to have to call Social Security to come take your kid away. Yeah. Child Protective Services.

Absolutely. What do you like on toast, Kimberly? Oh, it depends on what I'm in the mood for. Butter. Sure. Well, that's classic. Disco. Oh, God depends on what I'm in the mood for. Butter. Sure. Well, that's classic. Oh, God, yeah. I mean, we just happily said, I don't like toast because I'm a pathetic fuck-up who just masturbates and plays video games all day.

You need a toaster. Sure. I should. Okay, let me ask you this about the toaster because it's a sore subject. I've been thinking of this toaster thing. Clearly, it's been festering with me. Right. I was really slammed by this.

Well, but the thing is, a toaster oven, you can make all kind of stuff in there. You can make yourself a little single serving garlic bread with melted cheese on top. If you get a real good one, you could cook a steak in there. In the toaster oven? Have you cooked a steak in a toaster oven? I have not done that personally.

You've seen that. You can make cupcakes. You could do all types of things with a toaster oven if you get a really good one. Okay. Maybe I've misjudged the toaster. And you're a pathetic loser. And I'm a pathetic loser. You need to go to Fry's Electronics tonight.

Wait. You get it at Fry's? Well, that's the pathetic losers. Oh, my God. Uh-oh. Yep. They're pathetic losers slash guys putting together maybe an illegal lab who need parts for something. OK, well, let me ask you this about the show, because clearly, clearly to this guy who I was talking to, who was a well-meaning enough guy. The fact that I didn't own a toaster oven fed into his idea of me being a pathetic loser always on the cusp of, you know, dying of malnutrition or something. I'm not convinced that you don't have a loser's kitchen, though. Oh, yeah.

Tell me about your kitchen. I've invited you over to my house several times. You have never come to see my kitchen. I was unable to come to your house. However, let's take stock. Tell me about your kitchen appliances. Okay. I'm not saying that you don't have – I'm just saying I need some convincing.

You're going to have to build a case. I feel like the last house you've seen of mine was my like I'm a broke PA house. Yeah. So I also feel like that's a part of why this keeps going is because like that's the last time maybe you like were over. Yeah. Is when I was at my fucking brokest. So I think on this show, the loser joke keeps going a little bit.

Anyways, I think I keep a very nice home. Okay, let's talk about kitchen appliances. Yeah, I'm interested. Let's see. We found Kimberly's passion. Yes, you did. Yeah, kitchen appliances. What do I have in the kitchen?

Microwave? What kind of refrigerator you got? Side by side or top and bottom? Top and bottom. Okay. Is it a freezer on top or freezer on the bottom? Freezer on top. Okay.

I mean, this was the stuff that came with the apartment. I know. You're a renter. It's pretty nice stuff. I'm a renter, but I'm just saying. And a pathetic video game playing jack off. I'm just saying. Who only listens to real big fish.

I'm just saying. These days, a lot of people like a lower freezer. That's true. I do have several crispers. Oh, okay. Are they fully functional? Fully functional. Okay.

Keeping a lot of stuff in there. I once went five months without the piece of glass that goes on top of the crisper. Oh, yeah. And so I was like balancing gallons of milk on the divider and the rail on the back. Oh, my. Yeah, it was a pretty serious situation. Yeah. I mean, oven, stove. Okay.

We were talking about gas, electric. Gas. Oh. Yeah. It's good. Gas is good. Is that a loser's stove? No. Gas, you'll find a gas will give you a better range. Oh. Yeah. It's good. Gas is good. Is that a loser's stove? No.

Gas, you'll find a gas will give you a better range. Okay. Better flavor. And a better flavor. A slightly less consistent oven. But I'm guessing you're cooking on the stovetop more often than you're baking. I do a fair amount of baking. I like a baked chicken breast.

Okay. Bacon thing. But yeah, I do. Sure. I do do a lot of stovetop cooking. You're wrong about chicken breasts. It's the worst piece of meat in the world. Sure.

Pretty good for you though. A lot of protein. Yeah. But it tastes horrible. It tastes like nothing. It's the worst. Oh, sure. Worst.

Single worst piece of meat. Sure. I know it's a loser's piece of meat. I better jack off and play video games and eat a microwave meal. Okay, let's okay. And these came with the apartment? These came with the apartment, yeah. What kind of mixers? Let's talk about mixers.

Let's talk about blenders. Thank you, Kimberly. Thank you very much. You know, I don't have a lot of mixers and blenders and stuff. Maybe I do have a loser's kitchen. Okay, when you say not a lot, you mean none. I mean none. I mean zero. Cuisinart? You got a Cuisinart? I don't have a Cuisinart. No food processor? No food processor.

You'll have a hand mixer to mix your little box cakes or something. I should make more box cakes. You know, I don't have a lot of appliances. But you didn't have room for a toaster, though. I have room for a toaster now. I didn't before. Very small kitchen. How do you make the Pop-Tarts that you eat while you're smoking weed? now. I didn't before. Very small kitchen.

How do you make the Pop-Tarts that you eat while you're smoking weed? Right. I play video games. You put them in the oven? Well, I hold – see, I light my spliff. And then I just hold the cold Pop-Tart up to the lighter and I toast it. Oh, my God. Yeah.

So you're one of those people – And I can still masturbate too while i'm doing it yeah it's dangerous you've got like you know how uh like a bob dylan when he's playing guitar and playing harmonica he's got that sort of neck mount you've got that for the pop tart sure yeah just live in one hand you're masturbating with the other hand yeah and it's an xbox you're playing xbox connect so you don't need a controller to move your guy. Exactly. I'm a multitasker, guys. It only works, though, as long as the theme of the game is you get points for heating

up your Pop-Tart with a spliff while you masturbate. And then, you know, you get points based on the trajectory of your ejaculate. Oh, good. Let's talk about your... Sorry about this, Kimberly. No, it's okay. We should have warned you going in. This will be the trajectory of your ejaculate. Oh, good. Let's talk about your – sorry about this, Kimberly. We should have warned you going in. This will be the rest of the program. I understand. Sure.

So we – let's talk about – besides bacon or cooking breast, do you have a signature dish? Let's see. Yeah. What have I made recently that's been – Let's say – and I know – I happen to know for a fact that ladies love Jordan Morris. Sure. And now that you got your sweet pad, my friend Jordan Morris told me about it, I'm sure there's ladies over all the time for romantic candlelit dinners.

Constantly. So what's on the table? I'm going to guess veal cacciatore. Sure, several cacciatore. You do all kinds of them. So many cacciatore. Squid cacciatore. So many.

Mostly seafood cacciatore. Yeah. Some game squib cacciatore. Exactly. No, I feel like I'm getting grilled here. Exactly. No, I feel like I'm getting grilled here. I feel like I made this proclamation that I'm not a pathetic loser and I have to back it up. Anyway. Just get a toaster.

No, just get it right. Is it one of those things that's just a signal? I know. And then I can just have it there and I can combat anyone. You know why? Because somebody's going to want some toast one day at your house. No, you're right. And then you're going to have to use the oven. It's going to make your house hot. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You're going to open it and the whole house is going to heat up just for two pieces of bread. No, you're right.

You know what I don't like? I don't like when people – when you're dressed like a normal adult man and people act shocked by that. Yeah. Well, I mean I think – here's what I think Jesse and I have. It got this is the most fucking self-referential podcast in the world. And I want to shoot myself in the face for it. I just want to say it. But I think I think we have separate things. And I think you are a little bit annoyed by this when you when you're not in a suit and people comment on it.

Yeah. I wear Jesse's suit. I'm a man who wears a suit 10, 15 times a year. Sure. Which, granted, maybe is more than most people who don't wear a suit to work. But, yeah, I do. Jordan, Jesse, go live shows. I'll generally not be wearing a suit.

I was expecting you to wear a suit. That's why I kind of wore a dress because I was like, I don't want to feel under. I'll wear a coat if I have guests coming into the – you know, when I go to work at the office and I have guests coming in, I'll wear a coat and tie but generally not a suit. Yeah. So, yeah, anyways, and I think we both have several things where it's like we joke about some of the like crazier aspects of our personality but then people assume that's like all there is to us, you know. Anyway. I've got hobbies. Sure. Mostly just reading The New Yorker. that's all there is to us. Anyway. I've got hobbies. Sure.

Mostly just reading The New Yorker. That's all I can think of. That's all I can come up with. Yeah. That's really my only hobby. It's a pretty good one. Watching foreign versions of American pickers, Canadian pickers and Aussie pickers specifically. Those are both fun pickers. Anyways. I don't know. I'm not crazy about Aussie Pickers specifically. Those are both fun pickers.

Anyways. I don't know. I'm not crazy about Aussie Pickers. I'm not going to lie to you guys about Aussie Pickers. What's the best picker except for America? Because we know Americans are the best. Well, I'll give you a quick compare and contrast, okay? Canadian Pickers probably has the most – the guys are real fun

and they're very Canadian. Yeah. They're from Calgary so the downside of Canadian pickers is they buy a lot of First Nations art and a lot of

Western stuff. Okay. And I really don't have any interest in either of those things and so it's sort of a bummer. But frankly on American pickers there's constantly motorcycles, which I could give a shit about. So, you know, that's a downside of that.

However, one of the Canadian, one of the two Canadian Pickers actually knows stuff about antiques and stuff and will occasionally buy an actual antique. Whereas on American Pickers, they're really just buying advertising signs. They're buying shit that just, you just sell to a guy that watches the history channel. Be put up at a TGI Fridays. Yeah. And there would seem like good guys and they've got pretty good taste in that department and stuff.

But I just, you know, like to see an occasional antique from time to time and I'll buy like a more interesting thing. And it's a little bit less of a trick on Canadian pickers. Aussie pickers. The guys are probably the most,

the closest to you or I. Not you, Kimberly. No offense. I understand. It's cultural. Race. Yeah.

No, it's cultural. I mean, they seem like fun, cool guys. I think they just got cast. I don't. Sure. They're not totally an expert, but they're.

Somebody's feeding them the lines maybe from off camera, maybe a less charismatic. Yeah. I mean, they do fine. I'll watch it. I like how there's crazy like boondocks Australian people on it. Like the Australian people on the show are much crazier. People on Canadian Pickers are the least crazy by far. Canada is the least crazy country.

So there's Jesse Thorne's world famous compare and contrast various pickers. Kimberly, can I ask you a question? I want to just to get back to whether or not me not having a toaster is some sort of symbol of a guy who doesn't have his shit together. Do you have any kitchen appliances at all? I do have some kitchen appliances. What kitchen appliances have you got? I've got a microwave. I've got a blender.

Okay. Maybe that's it. Well, that's pretty good. You can make yourself a smoothie. I have all kinds of cooking stuff. I've got all my own cooking stuff. Like a pot, a pan? Yeah. Well, that's pretty good. You can make yourself a smoothie. I have all kinds of cooking stuff. I've got all my own cooking stuff. So, yeah. Like a pot, a pan. Yeah.

Pot, pan, cookie sheet. Not just shoveling food into my mouth with my hands. Muffin tray? Muffin tray. I do have a muffin tray. Oh, okay. I do like that corn muffin mix. Oh, that's what I was about to say.

What do you make? A jiffy corn muffin? Jiffy corn muffin. You can make pancakes with that stuff. It's really good. Corn pancakes? Yeah, and you don't have to put syrup on it, too, so that kind of helps me with my- They're already sweet.

Yeah, yeah, totally. You just put a little butter on those. Real good. Corn pancakes? What's that, a Jimmy cake? No, no, just get Jiffy corn muffin. Corn muffin mix. Jimmy cakes are corn pancakes.

Oh, maybe they are? It's the same thing. Yeah. This is southern. Thanks, Kimberly. I appreciate it. My southern roots had to speak up on that. So did mine.

What's the difference between gumbo and jambalaya? So did mine, Kimberly. I'm from San Francisco. The south of the north. Yeah. Back to your signature dish. Back to my signature dish. Well, it's a Jiffy Corn Muffin Pancake.

Okay, great. Kimberly? Kimberly, is there – when you see an apartment for the first time of somebody you're romantic with or somebody you're considering being romantic with or what have you, are there any other red flags? Like what do they not have in here? Like what are you looking for when you want the person to signal I've got my shit together? Like what's a good sign that the person is doing all right? I'm not going to say toaster.

Yeah, well, I mean, it's okay if it is. I mean, I'm starting to think I should just go out there and buy a toaster to have it on there. I mean, I think, Jordan, the toaster is the appliance that would most symbolize a microwave to some extent.

I don't think that, I think if you had got yourself, if you want to, and you can correct me on this, Kimberly, but get yourself a nice stand mixer. Okay, sure. Go out there, get yourself a stand mixer. If you want, you can get yourself a meat grinding attachment, a pasta making attachment, or you can just borrow mine. Sure.

But I think a stand mixer says, I'm in it to win it. Sure. I'm not fucking around with this shit. But what do you think, Kimberly? I think, you know, it's not necessarily what's in the apartment, but it's the condition of the apartment. So I wouldn't be too hard on a dude that didn't have a toaster. Okay.

Thank you for saying that. You don't have to, but thank you. But seriously, you shouldn't feel bad. And I mean, plus you have all the basics. So that's a good sign. Despite how much you care about toast. Despite how much. And I am a toast head.

You follow toast around the country to all their shows. Honestly, like I do go on toast binges where- Really? Especially with sourdough bread. Okay. That's the only toast worth eating as far as I'm concerned. Sourdough? Yeah.

Yeah, the best. Sourdough toast, yeah. With some butter. Sometimes I'll do honey and butter. Oh, that sounds good. Oh, it's very good. I like to put cheese on toast. I like sourdough toast with Asiago cheese.

Oh, that sounds heavenly. Fuck it. Fuck it. I said it. Wow. Wow. Wow. Hot topics.

Hot topics. That's how you know I'm a fucking true head. Sure. I'm for real, Jordan. Yeah. For real. Man, you're no fair weather toast fan. Boom.

Oh, God. I'm from San Francisco. Boom. Oh, God. I'm from San Francisco. Yes. So toast. So you're talking about you're looking at condition, Kimberly. It's more about the conditions of the apartment. Here is one thing, though. Please.

Yeah. You do need a toilet. Yeah. You're going to need a toilet. Oh, OK. Rockef do... Need a toilet. Yeah. You're going to need a toilet. Oh, okay, Rockefeller. All right. So I'm some kind of fucking masturbating loser just because I poop in a bag. I think every person should at least have two sets of sheets.

Okay. I have three sets of sheets. Okay, that's good. Do you have any seasonal sheets? I do have seasonal sheets. Yeah. I have some nice flannels for the winter. That's fucking living! I have cotton

for the summer. You're doing good. Yeah. Yeah, you're a grown up. Jordan's game's tight. I'm fine. Yeah. Okay, good. What about your towels and washcloths? I've got them. They exist. Okay. Yeah. I keep

them clean. You don't have one that's like sitting there and it turns into a sculpture. You know what I'm saying? No, no. All my towels and washcloths stay, you know, in the towel and washcloth shape. That's one of my greatest failings as a human being is switching out my towel. Okay. This came up on Judge John Hodgman not that long ago. And Hodgman turned to me, how frequently should your towel get changed, Jesse?

What seems reasonable to you? And he turned to me, I think, because I have a reputation as a man of sophistication and taste, you know, the kind of guy who would frequently change his towel. And I just locked up because I'm like, I don't know. I guess I just changed my towel when my wife comes in and takes my towel away. Because it's getting too gross. Yeah, she has to put the kibosh on that. I think I have.

I'm not a gross man. But yeah, I guess I'm pretty gross about that. Yeah. Sorry, Kimberly. It's pretty gross about that. Yeah. Sorry, Kimberly. It's okay. No judgment. Thanks. I appreciate that.

Keep the towels clean. I think I have gotten so self-conscious over the course of this conversation that I'm just going to buy like a fucking nice toaster on the way home and just put it out and never use it. Stand mixer, Jordan. Stand mixer. Get yourself a nice, a multi-speed. Sure. Get yourself a KitchenAid. Yeah. Go whole hog. Oh, Jordan. Stand mixer. Get yourself a nice, a multi-speed. Sure. Get yourself a KitchenAid. Yeah.

Go whole hog. Oh, yeah. Get yourself a nice KitchenAid and start making your own sausages. Okay. Yeah. Like, man. You know who makes his own? We have a listener, Cruftbox from the forum, Cruftbox.

That guy makes his own sausages. You know what? Yeah. Grinds it up in his fucking KitchenAid. No one's calling that guy a loser. Jordan, how about this? Please. You like

hamburgers, right? I do like hamburgers. Have you ever ground your own beef for a hamburger? I have not, no. Get yourself a KitchenAid. Get yourself a meat grinding attachment. You'll be in burger heaven, my friend. Yeah. Burger fucking heaven. I know.

You know, I should just not worry what people think about me. Honestly, I should just not be self-conscious about all these toasters. No, you shouldn't be worried about this. Yeah. No, that's the problem. You're not worried enough about this. No, you're right. No, it's not. The solution is not to be proud of who you are, Jordan.

No, you're right. You're going to need to buy some stuff. Sure. Trust me. Some vanity kitchen equipment. This is America, Jordan. You need a bread maker at least. I know.

Get yourself an electric carving knife. Or a juicer. You need a Breville juicer. If I bought a melon, I would have no way to ball it. That melon would be unballed. And you would be unballed. And you would be unballed. You would not be balling. No, I would not be.

You got to get balls deep. If you want to get balls deep, you got to ball your melon. Ah, gross. I'll tell you what I got at home. Champion juicer. Oh, yeah? You could juice anything in this thing. Home juicing?

You could juice a rock in a champion juicer. You know what? I don't love juice. Well, I don't think you haven't had the right juice. That could be. I think that's your problem. I think you have not had the right juice. That could be. I think that's your problem. I think you have not had the right juice. I like a nice sparkling water.

I like a Perrier and a Slim Can. You got yourself a sparkling water maker? I don't know. Maybe I should get a sparkling water maker. You don't have a sparkling water maker. Oh, I have a Keurig. What's that? That's a little coffee pod maker.

That's where you put a little pod in. Get yourself an AeroPress. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't think I'm ready to become coffee snob yet. That's fine. Yeah. You don't need to be.

Yeah. But I'll tell you. I like just a regular cup of coffee. I don't know if I'm ready for French press. Oh, I have a coffee grinder. I grind my own beans sometimes for my Keurig. There you go. That's a good idea.

Masturbating loser doesn't grind his own coffee beans. No, you're right. That's probably the one thing he does that's true I do hold it up against my taint so the vibrating that's the thing that the guy the masturbating loser is actually into probably is coffee that is probably sure

craft beer sorry excuse me home brewing is what that guy is he has no toaster but he's got a fucking still. Yeah, sure. I know. I'm telling you, champion juicer, make yourself some watermelon juice.

Okay. If I might borrow a Jordanism. You may not. Oh, okay. Sorry. My apologies. And that's a Chef Boyardee-ism. A Chef Boyardee-ism.

Yeah. Dism. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kimberly Clark. You can just have the same one.

Chocolate Girl Wonder. Thank you. No problem. Thanks for this. Yeah, I don't know. Happy to help. It was a kind of humdrum, unremarkable nickname that's easier to forget to use. Sure, yeah.

So I can understand not using that. Hey, listen. When something momentous happens to you in our audience, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN and tell us about it for our segmentFUN, and tell us about it for our segment, Momentous Occasions. We've got a couple calls. Ready, go. Ready, go. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, possible guest.

This is Joe from North Idaho. I was just driving down the road. I'm in the car now, and a car exploded in front of me. It was the weirdest thing. A big flash and a ball of flames. I pulled over. I ran up to the car or got close and they, people around it told me to go ahead and leave. And I go, well, wait, there's somebody in the vehicle. And they said, no, no, thank you. but everyone's out and need to get out of the way. So I got in my car and left as the fire truck was arriving. So it looks kind of like it does in the movies.

So thankfully nobody was hurt. Bye. What? Mob hit? What? Like a parked car exploded? It must have been a driving car. Yeah.

Do you think it was an empty car? Like a Google car? Like a Google car just blew up? Like one of those robot cars? Yeah. You think the robot just, you know what I think it was? I think you're right. It was one of those Google cars.

of those Google cars, and it got so caught up in its own sort of existential ennui over the fact that all it does is practice parallel parking and drive around in circles taking pictures of people's houses. Just blew itself up. Just committed suicide. What's the point? Yeah. Says Google car. It recently discovered the music of the Smiths.

Got really down. Yeah. Just wanted to feel something, even if it was exploding. Google car suicide. That is an amazing thing to see. Yeah. What part of a car explodes, though? This story just doesn't add up.

The engine overheats or something like that. This happened actually a couple days ago in front of my apartment. Somebody's engine overheated and the fire department came and they basically hosed it down. It didn't explode, explode, but it was, you know, the first symptoms of an explosion, like the smoke and stuff. Like an explosion, you mean? Yeah. Like a pre-explosion. Pre-explosion.

Yeah. It was going, oh, here we go. As soon as someone puts a finger up my butt. But the fire department came before it got to that point. I've seen a car go beyond that, though. Really? In a Trader Joe's parking lot, yes. Well, I can understand.

In a Trader Joe's parking lot, yeah. Well, I can understand in a Trader Joe's parking lot. Yeah. Anything goes. It's too small for the store. Well, there's all those mob shootouts in the parking lot. There's no Trader Joe's with a sufficiently sized

parking lot in America. Sure. That's part of their marketing strategy or some shit. What happened? Yeah, the car just was engulfed in flames

and then the fire department came and put it out and I think it was the engine. And the ill part about it was the cars in front of it, like their front ends were melted because of the fire. Like their cars got damaged too, which was pretty jacked up. My car was away, thank God. You know not to park next to a car that's on fire.

Yeah. You've got a solid head on your shoulders. We can tell, Kimberly. I haven't known you, I've only known you for a few weeks, but I mean, I can tell you're no fool. Yeah. I got a toaster. I'm always, I'm always, you know, I'm always setting my own car on fire.

I'm always parking it next to various blazes. Jordan, are you worried that you would try and toast toast in the bath? It's a concern. I mean, I have a luxurious lifestyle. I want toast when I want it. I'm not about to dry off. You're not going to give up bathing in oils.

No, uh-uh. Just to go make toast. Yeah, I mean, I could have my eunuchs bring it to me. But they're fanning right now. Sure, yeah. They're fanning. Well, then they're singing in beautiful soprano voices. Yeah. No, I think if I had a toaster, I'll definitely keep it in the kitchen. You remember, we've talked about him on Jordan, Jesse, Go! before, I think.

But Nick, the guy that we went to college with was an RA with us who had a dorm room that contained nothing but the dorm room furniture. You know how, I don't know if you ever went on a college tour where they show you a dorm, but then the dorm just has only dorm furniture in it and it seems kind of creepy and sad. Yeah. So that's what his real life room was like because he had no possessions. And he was a huge, handsome man with very broad shoulders who exercised a lot and knew how to kill someone because he did Jeet Kune Do, which is Bruce Lee's martial art dedicated to maximum killing. And he was a very serious man, but a very good man, I think. A very good man. And one time he and I were having lunch, and I really liked having—

He once killed that man who was abusing that dog. That's true. No, he didn't. That's nothing. He had a long ponytail and roamed from town to town solving people's problems using kung fu. Wait, that's David Carradine. david carradine yeah yeah he actually had a very david carradine he was a little more cut than a david carradine but he had a very david carradine vibe to him definitely so anyway one time i'm i'm sitting with uh i'm sitting with nick at lunch and he's telling me about his car that he had in high school and he says oh i had a

i don't have a car now but i had a car in high school it was a plymouth barracuda and i was like oh barracuda that's pretty cool was it the kind with the you know big uh cool window in the back and he's like yes but it lit it lit on fire on the freeway so so I had to get rid of it. Yeah, fair enough. Okay, the most terrifying thing in the world happened to you, and you apparently have no feelings about it whatsoever. Fair point, Nick. Yeah. Lit on fire while you were driving.

While driving. I think that is the number one. I drove for a while. I had a Dodge Dart, and it was a cool—I really liked the car. But sometimes shit would go wrong with it while I was driving. And I think that's too much for me. I want, if something's going to go wrong, I want for it to happen while the car is in one place.

Like you turn it on and it goes, and you're like, oh shit, something's wrong. I got to take it into the shop. I don't want it to be. One time we were driving on the, just about to get on the Golden Gate Bridge, and it just stopped working. And, like, the power steering went out and everything. And I had to, like, take it off the road on the last exit off before the Golden Gate Bridge. That's a fun opportunity to do some Tokyo drifting. And I don't want that in my life.

Why could a car do that? It should have a second smaller engine, the just-in-case engine, that you flip a switch, or it should come with a horse that could pull it in an emergency. That just leaps out of the hood. You probably wouldn't keep it in the hood. It's hot in there. No, you're right. You'd keep it in the stable. You't keep it in the hood. It's hot in there. No, you're right. You keep it in the stable.

You keep it in the stable. Car stable. Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jessica. This is Yvonne from Kalamazoo. I'm currently in Chicago. They are harvesting my stem cells to save my brother's fucking life.

Thanks. Bye. I have two IVs in my arm, by the way. Okay. We had to bleep him there. Number one, say bye last so I don't get confused. Yeah. That's the number one fucking rule of calling into momentum.

Well, besides keep it pithy. Yeah. Have you noticed how pithy people have kept it? People get it. I haven't had to say keep it pithy in years. Weeks anyway. It's been a while. I only say it about two-thirds of the time.

Here's the thing. Here's what I didn't like about the tone of that. Yeah. It seems like he's going to lord it over his brother. It seems like he's going to like, hey, bro, grab me a beer. Remember how I saved your life with my cells? It seems like he's really going to call in a lot of favors because of this thing. He has an attitude about it.

Right? Right. Hey, bro, how's your stem? Mine's fine. They took some cells out of it and saved your fucking life. I could see his stem cells not even cooperating. I don't want stem cells out of somebody like that. This guy's kind of a dick.

Yeah, the stem cells have their arms crossed like, mm-mm, we're not helping him out. We're going to stay right here. Yeah. We'll stay right here until Marvel Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is over. Then we can talk about whether or not we're going into another guy. Yeah. Oh, from the way you said that, Jesse, I just, I just, I mean, I'm not a doctor, nor am I an economist.

Right. Stem cells are not cells from your penis. I mean, they can be from your penis, I guess. I keep trying to take them out of my penis. Yeah. By watching pornography late them out of my penis. Yeah. By watching pornography right at night on my computer. Are you trying to collect stem cells? Yeah.

I have a lot of stem cells. So I know my brothers listen to this program. John, Brendan, if you need any of my stem cells, I've been saving them up. Guys, don't pick him up on that. Do not ask him to mail you his stem cells. I've been saving them. Guys, don't pick him up on that. Do not ask him to mail you his stem cells. It's illegal to mail that kind of stuff, Jordan. Yeah. I'd bring it to them.

You have to get a courier. You have to hire a courier. Can I ask you guys a stem cell related question? You may. Oh, it's immoral. So as you know, Jordan, and as I'll explain to you, Kimberly, my wife hosts a hit podcast called One Bad Mother. She and her friend Biz. Biz is really the host. Teresa's the co-host. And it's a wonderful program. And I don't know whether they've talked about this on the show. So I don't want to steal their thunder, but I do want to address it from my perspective, from a man's perspective, Kimberly. Okay.

Look, from a husband's perspective. What's that male version of The View that they had for a while? The Danny Bonaducey? Yeah. Dushaw? Dick Clark. Wait, was Dick Clark on it? Yeah.

Dick Clark was like the Barbara Walters. He was like the respectable broadcaster. Totally. Who like roped in all these crazies. And the plastic surgeon that killed. I don't want to say killed. He didn't kill Kanye West's mother. The murdering plastic surgeon. He was the plastic surgeon who did the plastic surgery that lots of other plastic surgeons said was too dangerous to do. That then Kanye West's mother died in the process of it happening.

Yeah, that's the wording. Yes died in the process of it happening. Yeah. That's the wording. Yes. He was on it too. I'm going to throw an allegedly in there just in case I got something wrong. Alleged. Jan Adams. Jan Adams.

And Mario Lopez. Mario Lopez. Yes. I mean, those are some of the most insightful voices of our time. I mean, when I think of like a man's perspective, that's why I want speaking for me. Number one, you're thinking Dick Clark. Yes.

Yeah. Nobody speaks for a generation like Dick Clark. And then, you know, warped child stars. Yeah. And a celebrity plastic surgeon. Yeah. Okay. What the fuck was I about to say?

We were about to offer a man's perspective. A man's perspective on something. So when my son Simon was in utero, I discussed how, and shortly after he was born, I discussed what a great decision it was for us to hire a doula. And I'm not that doula-y, but the doula was great. It's like having somebody there who's advocating on your behalf so you can just worry about, like, you know, being there for each other emotionally. And she knows all the things that are supposed to happen, knows all the moves. And, you know, if anything weird is going on with the hospital, she'll, like, be like, we need this, this, and this now. And she's, like, brings, like, our doula, like, brought presents for the hospital. She'll be like, we need this, this, and this now. And she brings,

our doula brought presents for the nurses. I don't know, it was like cupcakes or cookies or something and they really loved her and so they wanted to help her any way they could and that kind of thing.

So the doula's great. And we rehired the same doula, which is also great. We're very, very, very happy with our doula. But a new thing that our doula's up to is placenta encapsulation.

I don't know what that is. Don't like the sound of it. Sorry. Go ahead. Well, do you know about burying a placenta under a tree? I mean, I know that's maybe something an Eskimo would do? I don't know. Number one, they're not called Eskimos.

Number two, that's cruel. They don't have trees. Oh, you're right. Under a whale. I'm sorry. A mart whale. Okay. So placenta-related stuff is a big thing in the world of what you might call granola-y childbearing.

Sure. And childbirth and mothering. Placenta stuff. And for a long time it was bury your placenta under a tree. It's that famous album, Placenta Live at Red Rocks. It's that famous album, Placenta Live at Red Rocks. Yes. It's natural. So you bury your placenta under a tree, like a sapling, and then the tree grows into a mighty oak, and it has the life spirit of you and your child together. Sure.

Then it was you cook and eat the placenta. Wait. Wait. Like Volvo people do that? Oh, absolutely. They eat it? Gwyneth Paltrow types. Wait.

Oh, that's what goop stands for. Gooping. Eating it. Wait. Really? Yeah. Like, crunchy people will eat their kid's placenta? Or their placenta.

They say it has a lot of nutrients in it. Exactly. They say it has a lot of nutrients. Listen to Kimberly. So does a Clif Bar. Well, they eat Clif Bars, too. Yeah, well. You're right. That is processed.

You're right. The placenta has not been processed, I guess. Wait. Well, you process it. I mean, you've gotenta has not been processed, I guess. Wait. Well, you process it. I mean, you gotta make it into a stew or something. Tenderize it. Just whack the placenta with a mallet. It's gonna be a little tough.

Yeah. So, you've never heard of placenta eating? I mean, that's like a joke. It's like having a baby in a bathtub with a midwife instead of a doctor. I guess a wolf would do that when it has a litter. That's a big part of the argument in favor of placenta eating is that a wolf would do it.

Would it be more wolf-like? Apparently, human beings are the only mammals that don't eat the placenta. Yeah, because we're not gross. We're the least gross animal. Wait, okay, sorry. How do you... So let's get to encapsulating the placenta. So obviously,

because of how fucking disgusting it is to eat the placenta, but the fact that rich women with more granola than sense want to consume their placentas, there is a new placenta alternative. Kind of like a soy placenta.

Yes. Soy slenta. Soy slenta. Maybe they just think you're saying polenta. They're like, oh, I would like some of that. No. So now what they will have done is they will have it freeze dried and put into capsules, encapsulated. Then they will take those capsules as one would a dietary supplement.

they will take those capsules as one would a dietary supplement. And the idea is that there's hormones in there that go into your body and make you happier postpartum or something like that. Okay. There's some other stuff that people say. Sure. All this stuff is a little made up. That's all tracks to me so far. Our doula, whose name is Cindy, Cindy brought us – offered to encapsulate the placenta. And Teresa said, no, I don't think that's necessary.

Because, look, do we want someone – if the doctor is saying we want to give her an epidural and Teresa is going, ah, and I'm like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. I want to give her an epidural and Teresa's going, ah, and I'm like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Do we want somebody to tell the doctor like, hey, Teresa chose not to have an epidural unless it's a really serious situation. We made up a code word. You know what I mean? Yes, we do want that. Do we want to eat a placenta? Not really. But our doula's really nice and she felt a little bad after Teresa declined and said, listen, I only just –

Did she do the placenta version of, are you going to eat that? I will eat that. You going to finish that placenta? She explained the placenta reasons. And she said she'd do it for Teresa for free. She said she'd do it for Teresa for free. So Teresa just said yes because she didn't want to be a dick about it. Because, you know, the doula is a nice woman and was very, very helpful and I think will continue to be very, very helpful.

You know, there's a lot of things that we were very grateful to having the doula there. And if she's not going to charge us anything, you know. So she's going to put them in capsules for her. She's going to encapsulate. Freeze dry and encapsulate it. That's processed, though. So you're pro-placenta, but only if they eat it raw like a wolf. I can't see myself doing it personally, but...

You mean wolf style? Yeah, no. What if it was like... I know you have southern roots. What if it was... What if it was barbecued? With the right sauce. Do you prefer a sweet or a vinegar sauce?

I like something in the middle. A dry rub. A placenta. Dry rub. Just a rub. It doesn't need any sauce. It's falling right off the rest of the placenta. No bones in a placenta.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I've read about that, though. I mean, I feel like there's some truth to it. I mean, whether I do it or not, I don't know. You know, the tree thing is a little weird, but I guess I see the symbolism in that. Like I get going out to look at that plant and like thinking about your baby and the day it was born and stuff like that. Like that to me seems like it's weird and, you know, like, oh, you could just call this the baby tree and no one would have to touch anything gross. It would be really beautiful, especially if you were super blazed. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, the caveat to all of this is you were super blazed. Oh, yeah. The caveat to all of this is you are super blazed. That's one of the things we need the doula to advocate for Teresa on. She wants to be super blazed. They're, you know, hospitals. Can't do that.

Are you bringing your own edibles? Well, we're bringing the dragon bong. Oh, good. Okay. Sure. I guess I should probably think of a new kind of bong to talk about, but I do enjoy talking about dragon bongs. Yeah, dragon bong's good. Wizard bong. Wizard bong's good. Okay.

I'm changing it to a wizard bong. Okay. Great. It's a six, still six foot wizard bong though. Okay. I feel like I don't see enough shaped bongs these days. I know. I feel like it's kind of maybe stoners are classier.

They don't want to. Yeah. I say go back to elaborate bongs, stoners. People have those little marijuana incinerators. Yeah. You have a giant bong where you have just a tiny marijuana incinerator. There you go. Is that what it's called?

Marijuana incinerator, right? Yeah. Yes, exactly. Oh, excuse me. Marijuana compactor. There you go. Right. But yeah, eating it for nutrients, that just seems so weird to me. I mean, I guess that has symbolism too.

I mean, I guess that has, you know. Here's the thing. And obviously the reason that all the other animals eat it right after it comes out is because they're all on the brink of death from starvation at all times. All animals besides humans. That's what being an animal is. Yes. Yeah. Are always on the brink of death from starvation. So they don't have, they're not in a position to.

I mean, I guess if your argument is animals do this, have the fucking baby in the woods. Like lay down on a pile of something. do this. Have the fucking baby in the woods. Like, lay down on a pile of something. And then a hawk comes and gets the baby, and you forget about it in ten minutes. Look, I'm not saying I... Number one,

Teresa can do anything she wants. I love my wife, and I don't think that she's going to get placenta poisoning even if she decides. So that's... Leave that aside. However, the real question from my perspective is if she decides. So leave that aside. However, the real question from my perspective is if she decides not to take the placenta pills, then what do you do with a bunch of placenta pills?

Is it like old Flintstones vitamins? You just leave them on the vitamin shelf? Yeah, there you go. In a jar? Yeah, and then you think to yourself, you know, I should be taking more vitamins. Yeah. They're up there with the fish oil and the... Yeah.

I mean, they're freeze-dried, right? Yeah. You take them to Mount Everest. Yeah. Oh, you should add a little drop of water and maybe a sponge dinosaur will come out. It might. Who's to say it won't? That would be dope if it happened.

That would be great. There is absolutely no saying. Well, that solves that as far as I'm concerned, this dinosaur solution that you came up with. Let's put in a call to the store at the British Museum. Yeah, there you go. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Kimberly Clark, the chocolate girl wonder. Kimberly, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thanks, guys, for having me. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for being you're welcome here anytime Kimberly Clark by the way just started a tumblr you heard about these Jordan I've heard that

they're very popular this is for Night Vale fan art right yeah this is exclusively for anime renditions of things that happen on welcome to Night Vale no it's for other things, too. Pictures of butts. Yeah, so those two things. But it's a really-

There's a picture of my butt on mine, though. No, no, no. I don't mean to suggest that. Fabio's butt, right? Fabio's butt. It's called A Tribe Called Kim dot Tumblr. Or just Tribe Called Kim. Just Tribe.

A Tribe Called Kim was taken. She was originally going to call it People's Instinctive Travels and the Rhythms of Kim. That would have been better. Where were you when I was brainstorming? That seems a little involved. Yeah. And hey, I want to check in with a subject from last week's program. Please.

I want to check in with a subject from last week's program. Please. So we ran a poll on our show, on our forum, excuse me, to find out whether young women who listened to our program, who had flowered, so to speak, by the time that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme hit the peak of their powers in roughly 1992. Universal Soldier, when Universal Soldier came out. Yeah, that was our standard, Universal Soldier. Whether they thought that either of those men was an attractive man or an interesting man, an appealing man, I should say. We weren't sure.

Jordan had posited maybe they were, and that's why they were movie stars. I had posited maybe they weren't. They were only for dudes, and dudes were dragging their wives and girlfriends. One woman on Twitter said she was six at the time, but definitely yes. Everyone else said no.

I think two to one? What? but definitely yes. Everyone else said no. I think two to one? What? 21 people said neither. Said no to both. Yeah, we had 21 no's. I peaked in on this. Yeah.

This is a whole other topic. Should we save this for later? No. I have some thoughts. Should we save it for later? You have thoughts? I have thoughts. I just wanted to share some we save it for later? I have thoughts. I just wanted to share some results. This is science.

It's solved. Okay. Great. The numbers don't lie. Look, just because Kimberly is in love with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Right. You know I am. You've seen all of his movies.

Now. Presently. That's her main thing right now. Well, and I think we could agree. I've looked at Tribe Called Kim. All Van Damme stuff. Just pictures of Van Damme clawed all over the place. It's like stuff from his classic movies, but also some commentary about how self-aware he is and how surprisingly funny and fun the movie JCVD was.

Yeah, I feel like it's a settled matter. But we can revisit it. Yeah, sure. the movie JCVD was. Yeah, so I feel like it's a settled matter. But we can revisit it. Yeah, sure. We'll revisit it next week if you want to. I would love to, sure. But thank you to everyone. Thank you to everyone who voted, to everyone who was ineligible to vote.

In the future, we'll have other polls about who you found attractive. I think the only... I'm getting into it now. Sure. The only issue is I felt like I think the only I'm getting into it now sure the only issue is I felt like there was a lot of

people who were young teens then yeah I think I think our I think our sampling might be off anyway we're gonna have to ask

we have a I think we have a a tainted control group yeah and that they weren't interested in his taint. I'm not a statistician. Yeah.

But you were one for Halloween that one year. That was Gregory Mankiw. Okay. Look, that's it for this week's program. Thank you, Kimberly. Our email address is jjgoe at maximumfund.org. Send us some emails. Review us on iTunes. Sure. Thank you, Kimberly. Our email address is jjgoe at maximumfund.org. Send us some emails. Review us on iTunes.

Sure. Just go on iTunes. Send and put up a review. It actually makes a big difference in what your ranking on iTunes. For a show, here's the thing. iTunes ranking is based on two things.

Number of reviews that have just happened and number of people who have clicked subscribe just recently. And because our show's been around so long, so many of our listeners

have been subscribers for a long time, we suffer in the latter category because people have just already been subscribed. They don't need to do it. And are suffering. So how about this? Put in a review. Tell people you like the show.

Can I say something about, now as a guy who has not had iTunes in years, I had not gotten a chance to see our Jordan Jesse Go iTunes reviews. They gave you a lot of tough feelings about your self-image. I feel like that, yeah, that comes on Twitter and in person. Right. I think that's where all that comes from.

Right. I was going to say, it's kind of the opposite, actually. I feel like iTunes reviews are kind of the opposite of YouTube comments in that they're really nice. I got a great feeling from reading all the nice iTunes reviews of our show. So thanks, guys. Yeah. Thanks, everybody. Yeah.

And try and forget the fact that I talked about a podcast on a podcast. It was reprehensible and I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry. I think it's going to be fine. No, it was bad. I shouldn't have. I get annoyed when other podcasts do it. People are podcast listeners.

Yeah. I have a standard that I want to hold myself to. Did you think that we're on television? No. I know we're on a podcast, but I don't know. I'm better than that. You should write something about this for your Tumblr. Yeah, you're right.

I don't have a time. There's so much Night Vale fan art. We're on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. Kim, you on Twitter? I am at Tribe Call Kim. There you go.

Good branding. You have it across the board. I'm trying. Our telephone number, 206-984-4FUN. Call us. Talk to us. We'll talk to you next time. Oh, shit.

Sonny D on the boards. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light of the Attic Records. We'll talk to you next time. Oh, shit. Sonny D on the boards. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light of the Attic Records. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica.