Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 295: Bursar's Office with Hal Rudnick

Episode Date: October 14, 2013

Comedian and writer Hal Rudnick joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Hal's Penn State roots, Jordan's new commercial, and Jesse gives an update on his electronics repair man.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. We're starting this podcast recording in the magic hour. Michael Bay is shooting it.

Yeah. I'm glad you look good. For the most boring Transformers movie of all time. You have a golden halo surrounding you right now, Jordan. Thank you. The light is just spectacular. This autumnal light really suits your coloration. I don't know that I'll be able to concentrate

on the podcast because I always have to be bent over the engine block of this classic muscle car. But at least we get a good look at your cleavage. Sure. Which is ample. Yes, indeedy. Which is ample. Yes, indeedy.

Jesse, can we introduce our guest? Yeah. And then can I posit a question about Pennsylvania? Yeah, but I have to say one thing. Let's introduce our guest. I'll just say one thing that I have to get off my chest. Sure. Then you can posit a question.

Okay. About Pennsylvania. We'll go to get off my chest. Sure. Then you can posit a question. Okay. About Pennsylvania. We'll go guest, chest, Pennsylvania. Okay. Wait, hold on. Guest, chest, Pennsylvania. Guest, chest, Pennsylvania.

Go, go, go, go, go. Hal Rudnick. Hi, guys. Thanks for having me. Hi, Hal Rudnick. Welcome back to the program. Oh, glad to be back. I did not realize it had been so long since you had been a guest on the program. Yeah, I haven't been to the new Maximum Fun headquarters. This is my very first time. Well, back. I did not realize it had been so long since you had been a guest on the program. Yeah, I haven't been to the new

Maximum Fun headquarters. This is my very first time. Well, welcome. I hope you like it. Comic, actor, writer, just an all-around gifted young man, this Hal Rudnick. You'll see him on a broad variety of television programs, on stages around America.

Just, this guy is solid gold. A renaissance man, if you will. Mm-hmm. Sure. He's a gifted painter. He's created a flying machine. An awkward flying machine. He has a surprisingly sophisticated,

but in some ways, undeniably flawed understanding of physics. Indeed. You'll find my tasteful nudes in coffee shops all across America. Sure. What about your tasteless nudes? Oh, those are in my private stash. Can I just say, we were talking about grown man stuff.

Do you remember the order of activities? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to file that one. File that one. Yeah. Chest, Pennsylvania. I have to get something off my chest.

Yes. I have to say something about Pennsylvania. I saw a license plate on a car. That's one of the top places. I mean, certainly in a- Either there or in- A prison factory. Or in a restaurant with a fun theme.

Sure, sure. Nailed to the wall of a TGI Friday. Yes. I saw a car with a license plate. J-K-D-N-L-S. That read, I have number two P. I have two P. What message are you sending?

That you're hilarious. That you're the most hilarious guy of all time. You have a wonderful sense of humor. Is that Norm MacDonald's car? Maybe it's like an excuse to speed or swerve or something. Maybe the cop's like, oh, I'm going to pull that guy over. Wait a minute. We've all been there.

Yeah. I can relate as a policeman. You were behind one of America's top comedians. It was by far the best license plate I've ever seen in my life. It's actually Chuck Lorre's car. You had a question you wanted to pause at, Jordan, about Pennsylvania. So I think in high school we all – I should explain for our listeners and for how.

Pennsylvania is one of the 50 states that make up the United States. Thank you. I'm sorry I left that out. Yeah, go ahead. I'm sorry I'm using podcast shorthand. No problem. So, okay, in high school, you know, I think we're all familiar with the phenomenon of like...

Jesse, clear up what high school is. Oh, yeah. Sorry, Kat. I'm just – High school is – I'm using my own little vernacular here. It's a building or sometimes a group of buildings connected by pathways. Thank you.

Jordan, continue. So in high school, there was the phenomenon of people being kind of braggy, kind of self-satisfied when they were dating someone who went to another school. Like, oh, I'm dating someone who goes to, you know. Emerson College. Emerson College. Yeah. I mean, I guess there was like, oh, the girl who's dating a guy who goes to like the community college. I'm dating a Harvard man.

Sure. dating a guy who goes to like the community college i'm dating a harvard man sure in pennsylvania do you think there's ever a situation where the like the girls are all talking about like oh who are you taking to the dance who are you taking to the dance like oh you wouldn't know him he's amish like a regular girl gets all like gets all into her head about like oh i'm like it gets a big head about dating an amish i would be jealous that's the ultimate forbidden fruit i would be jealous of that because you know the amish have the best scrapple sure they also have a mafia apparently do they have a mafia there's what are they there's a program amish mafia i haven't seen it i've read about this violent crimes in the Amish community.

What do they deal in? Where's the money coming from I guess is what I'm asking. Scrapple. Scrapple, wagon wheels, black hats, cloth, a little wooden doll on a stick. Sure, with no face. Scrapple is

by far the most delicious sawdust based food. I guess I don't really know. Scrapple is by far the most delicious sawdust-based food. I guess I don't really know what scrapple is. Isn't it like a crumbled up Oreo? It's a patty. Okay. It's a breakfast patty. Huh.

It's composed of, I believe, ham or other pork, seasoned pork products. I always thought scrapple was supposed to be similar to the Mexican dish menudo. No, sir. No. No, sir. No. No, sir. It's a little bit like the boy band Menudo

in that the name remains the same but the members change. Gotcha. They're changing out different pig parts.

Exactly. It's a mix of It doesn't matter. It's all Scrapple. It's a mix of I believe it is corn is the grain in Scrapple. It's a mix of— It doesn't matter. It's all Scrapple. It's a mix of—I believe it is corn is the grain in Scrapple. It's a mix of grain and pig parts. Yeah.

It's great. It tastes great. Is there an ice cream topping that's Scrapple or sounds like Scrapple? What am I thinking of? Apples. Apples. Right. I want to—I'll get a scoop of ice cream, whole apple.

But by that – That's my favorite dessert. They do have bacon-flavored ice cream, so why not Scrapple-flavored? Right. Why not maple Scrapple donuts? The sweet and the savory. Can I tell you what it is? You are right that there is an ice cream topping that sounds like Scrapple.

It's Snapple. Snapple. Right. It's a Snapple float. It's a whole – it's a pint of Snapple with a scoop of ice cream in it. A scoop of lemon iced tea. Anyway. If the Snapple lady herself tried to give me a Snapple float, I would not take it.

Why? That's just rude. At least like dump it out in the plant when she's not looking. Yeah. It might be tasty. Come on. This is a Snapple lady. It's all she's got. Just put it in a nap when she's not looking. Yeah. It might be tasty. Come on. This is a Snapple. It's all she's got.

Just put it in a napkin. Put it in my pocket. Jesse, you're acting like Snapple's piss or something. Snapple's like a legitimate drink that stood the test of time. It's been in business for decades. Now, if someone tried to hand you a Fruitopia float, you'd toss it in their face. Yes. As if you were a socialite.

For one thing, it would almost certainly be expired. Yeah. Jordan, I had a- If someone handed me a crystal Pepsi float, I'd also be concerned. Jordan, I had a beer tossed in my face once at a bar. No, how'd that happen? Oh, so I was at, oh, back to Pennsylvania. I was at Penn State where I went to school.

But to the disappointment of my mom, I didn't get that sheepskin, as she says. Yeah. But I was in a ball. Mommy wants that sheepskin. Mommy wants that sheepskin. Wait, what does that mean? You didn't fuck a mountain man? Yeah, exactly.

What does not getting that sheepskin mean? You fuck the mountain man, and after he's gone to bed you steal all of his sheepskins and steal off into the night sheepskin is a product that I know exclusively in front of fireplace fucking that's the only thing a sheepskin is for right

your diploma yes my diploma oh gotcha because you forgot to pick it up yes I forgot to pick it up it Yes, I forgot to pick it up. It's still waiting at the bursar's office. Right. So I had dated this girl.

You accidentally went to the comptroller's office. Yes. Oh. And boy, was my face red. You had to catch a plane out of office. Yes. Oh. And boy, was my face red. You had to catch a plane out of town. Yes. It was a DC-10. So, oh, back to the beer that was-

Oh, sure. Comedy is driven by specifics, George. Sure. The devil is in the details, as they say. The bursar's office. So you're at Penn State University. Yeah. So I had dated it.

P.S.U. Yes, P.S.U., Penn State. Home of the... In the Happy Valley. Home of the Alabama Crimson Tide. Yes, home of the Crimson Tide, five-time national champions, and home of much disgrace the past few years. Sure, sure.

Because of Reggie Bush. So I was dating. What about all those molested children? Oh, yes. Let's not forget them. Let's not bury the lead. Yeah. Is that what this story is going to?

I'm sorry. What about when a young Hal Rudnick confused bursars and comptrollers? That was pretty disgraceful. That was probably their greatest disgrace. Sorry. Sorry. You were saying. Oh, so I dated a girl and it did not end well.

Nice. Not to brag. Not to brag. Cool. But I was in a confirmed reciprocal relationship. Did you confirm this relationship physically? Perhaps on a sheepskin? On a pile of diplomas.

She had a lot of, she went to a lot of online universities. You spread them out. And guess what? The prophylactics used were lambskin. I only want membrane

touching me. That's what they call the mother and child reunion. So it didn't end well. And she was actually a kleptomaniac and a compulsive liar. Like we say, like we all have someone crazy we've dated. This young lady is unfortunately legitimately crazy. Did you get anything swiped while you were dating? Yes.

Money. Scrapple. She stole my wallet. My scrapple supply. I came home. It was missing from the drawer in the fridge. And she was sitting there with a full belly acting none the wiser. So

anyway, I saw her in a bar months after the relationship had ended and I went up to her and I guess I poked the bear a little bit and I said, hey, I hope you got the help you so desperately needed. Wow. And then a beer right in my face and eyes. You earned it. Full beer? Yeah.

You earned it fully. Yeah. Was it an IPA? Oh, it was one of Pennsylvania's proud IPAs. It might have been a yingling. Okay, okay, yeah. Or a rolling rock from old Latrobe PA. Sure.

Was this in a pint glass or was it in a- Oh, it was a pint glass. Okay, yeah. I guess it's hard to throw a whole can of beer at someone. You need to do it a couple of times. Oh, yeah. No. I mean, if you want that to be effective, you got to just let go of the can.

Yeah, you're throwing a can in someone's face. No. I mean, if you want that to be effective, you've got to just let go of the can. Yeah, you're throwing a can in someone's face. Wow. I don't know if you had a punch, a hole punched at the top in addition to the drinking hole. Oh, like those new Miller Lite cans. Exactly. I mean, physically speaking, I'm a bit of a Renaissance man. You could really, you know, if you had the angle right. Get two different beer streams going in their face at once.

No, you need one for air. That's what allows the bottom one. Oh, it pushes it through. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you're a renaissance man when it comes to showering someone with alcohol. Sure. But, and there's no way to look like you are always going to look like the jerk.

Sure. If you've been. No one's like, oh, she just did that. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was obviously taken as a cad by everyone else. Did you just have to, I mean, you're soaked. Do you have to go home after that?

No, I went to a bar and got french fries. Or I went to a diner and got french fries from the bar. Hal, we're so glad to see that all of this has worked out for you so well. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I dusted myself off, dried my clothes, washed my face since. And, you know, here I am. Show business. You've become very successful. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, have, Dave. And what have you found? Well, people that love it say they love it because it's just Dave hanging out with someone in his apartment.

Awesome. What do people that hate it say? They hate it because it's just Dave hanging out with someone in his apartment. Oh. Listen to Dave Hill's podcast dancing on the Maximum Fun Network. Mother f***er. Was that too much? No, I think it was perfect Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, decide upon a nickname or anything. Do you remember what it was last time you were on? Oh, I don't. Okay. Think about it.

Give it some thought. The Reaper. Jesse, you have a piece of paper. I have a piece of paper. I've got a... I like the Reaper. I've got a... The Reaper is really solid. Cool.

Let's stick with it. Great. The Reaper. Do you think you have to talk sort of like this the whole time? Because it could get old after a while. This is true. If we were on terrestrial radio, I might. Well, you know what they say.

Three times funny, five times not funny, seven times it's funny again. That is the equation. Well, what number are we on? Or should we just roll the dice? Can I be the wraith? Oh, yeah. Great. Oh, like a ring wraith.

Yeah. For instance. Can I be the wraith? Oh, yeah. Great. Oh, like a ring wraith. Yeah. For instance. Can I be Frodo? No, you're already the reaper. Damn it. Jordan, I think that one of the things that you have often complained about on our program is that there's- Why can't I get a Fruitopia anymore? Yes. Sorry.

Thank you for prompting one of my classic rants why does this crystal light why does this crystal pepsi float taste a little bit off yeah too old gross it's too old um okay that stuff probably keeps though like if there's some weird warehouse that has that stuff i bet it tastes exactly the same how long has it been since crystal pepsi yeah when was when did the last crystal pepsi roll off the assembly line i wonder weird warehouse that has that stuff, I bet it tastes exactly the same. How long has it been since Crystal Pepsi? Yeah, when did the last Crystal Pepsi roll off the assembly line, I wonder? That's the kind of thing that our producer Brian could figure out. Over 20 years, you said?

Yeah, Crystal Pepsi was a product of the 80s. Late 80s? Yeah. Was that the 80s? 1993. I was going to say that Van Halen song played behind it. Was that a new song at that point? Wait, did it only exist in 1993?

Introduce 92, discontinued 1993, our producer Brian says. Excellent. Jordan, you're thinking of a song right now. There you go. Jordan, one of the things that you often bring up is your disappointment that there isn't more erotic writing around Jordan, Jessica. Yeah, sure. I mean, but I mean, that's never going to change anytime soon, right?

I guess our listeners, I guess they just aren't sensual enough. Well. They don't have sensual imaginations. I don't know. I'm holding a piece of paper in my hand. And I can't see what that has to do with it. I'm going to keep complaining about how no one ever does this. I don't know if this quite qualifies as erotic.

Okay. But it certainly betrays a love that while it may be fraternal, borders on the romantic. Okay. This is something I happened to take a look. I wondered. I was looking at my own Tumblog that I so often do. I like to refer back to see what's inspired me, you know, what kind of thoughts I've had in the past so I can apply them to the future. And I was looking and I clicked on the tag.

A fun little exchange from Parks and Rec. I clicked on the tag. A fun little exchange from Parks and Rec. I clicked on the tag JordanJesseGo. Now, typically, I have to say, once in a while, I'll check the tags on Tumblr. I'll check the Jordan Morris, Jesse Thorne, Judge John Hodgman, whatever, to see what people are talking about on the Tumblogs. Sure. And on the tag JordanJesseGo, I found this post on BennyOsaka.tumblr.com. It's a poetry blog, a blog of poetry. And this is a poem that's called Jordan Morris. Do you mind if I read it for you? Yeah, I'd love to hear it. I mean, I don't know if Benny, I apologize if Benny doesn't like his work to be shared, but he did post it in a public forum, I think. Jordan Morris on a skateboard slamming down the coolest kickflip in the parking lot at UC Santa Cruz.

Jordan Morris on a plane to London or somewhere like that reading the first volume of Saga, the graphic novel. Jordan Morris on stage, singing in his new ska band, Morris, Jordan, whose biggest hit is called Podcast Podcast. Wherever Jordan Morris is, he is the beacon of my soul. The light leading me through the darkness. An impish Virgil of podcasting. Who gives me direction.

Purpose. A purpose outside of myself. Jordan Morris. Ska Druid. Podcast King. Wow. That's beautiful.

Source on that is BennyOsaka.tumblr.com. Huh. Well. Any immediate reactions? You know, I am having, back to my annoyance from the previous few episodes of, you know, maybe being a little tired of some of our running jokes about me. My initial reaction was to be very insulted. Why? Well, and I don't want to dwell too much on this.

I think we went over it last time, but I'll say it again for your benefit. We've been doing this show a long time, and I feel like there's some running jokes about me that just aren't valid anymore. But people like making fun of. And I'm starting to feel like. I don't think this is making fun of. No, I know. And I don't think that people who. I think this person admires you.

Sure. Jesse, I think you lessened the weight of the poem just to dismiss it as erotica. That was – that painted Jordan as a god. Now, listen. We all ejaculated at various points during that. An impish Virgil. An impish Virgil. I did let go a drop of pre-cum.

Mm-hmm. Oh, but you haven't finished yet. No. No, it didn't bring me to completion. Any other poems in that pile, Jesse? We need to finish Hal off. I got some Emily Dickinson here. Well, that'll have to do.

That'll have to do. Jordan, why do you think that poem was mocking you? Well, I mean, here's, I guess, not to, again, not to harp on something that I think we've already been over. on something that I think we've already been over. You know, I feel like when it comes to this show, people see me as a lovable fuck-up who still listens to ska music. Right. And I have heard you say before,

I ain't impish, I be pimpish. Thank you, thank you. People are not taking to that new catchphrase like I want them to. You should not have gotten that tattooed on your knuckles. It'll, listen. There's two reasons. Number one, I don't think you're going to still be using that catchphrase in a couple years.

Number two, just too many letters. A lot of letters on your knuckles. You're at four lines of letters. Jesse, I've got the long game in mind with this. There has to be a carriage return when people read that on your knuckles. They'll have plenty of time to read it it when I'm punching them in the face. Oh, no.

Raining down low. That goes really fast, Jordan. Do you know how punches are supposed to work? Oh, no. These are reading punches. It's a different kind of punch. It's like a... Yeah.

Oh, yes. Edding with both hands at once. They're asleep also. How do you read them? No, I thank you for this poem. I mean Jordan. It's not something I want spread around because I think it... Jordan Morris on a plane to London.

Yeah. Or somewhere like that. What a life. Sure. Reading the first volume of Saga, the graphic novel. I have done that. That tracks. On a plane? On a plane. That's an entire stanza.

To be fair, I've also done that. Well, I read the second volume of Saga on a plane. The first volume you read on the crapper. So, while I appreciate fan art, Do you know how to do a kickflip? I don't.

I can hardly ride a skateboard for a foot. What about a metaphorical kickflip though? I think the kickflip is not a literal thing. I think it's a metaphor. Sure. He's doing verbal ollies all day. No, that is true. I am a wordsmith.

The beacon of my soul, the light leading me through the darkness. An impish Virgil of podcasting who gives me direction, semicolon, purpose. A purpose outside of myself. I guess not knowing this guy and already knowing that this is like this pushes a few of my buttons, it just all sounds sarcastic to me. And I'm maybe – I know I'm seeming ungrateful. I guess it's easy to say that when someone has written a love poem about you. Yeah. A poem that calls you an impish Virgil of podcasting.

What does that mean? I don't want to be impish. I don't want to be imp-like. That's a, that's, I mean, an imp is like the easiest thing to kill in Doom. Apart from just the regular zombie guys. But then the next easiest thing to kill in Doom, an imp! I think the imp term is referring to your sense of humor and your joy, your boyish joy. Yeah.

The fact that you're always prodding boring old podcast dad over here. I don't think any of that's in there. I don't know. I reluctantly appreciate this. It's not, you know, it's not really what I would want representing me, but I mean, I appreciate the fact that this guy took the time to do it, I guess. Am I coming off like an ingrate? Yes.

You got to remember who got you here. Sure. It's the fan. Tumblr poetry guys. It's the downloaders and the clickers. Look, Tumblr poetry could be our ticket to fucking success. Yeah. How do you think-

Now, if someone can turn that in veil, became America's most popular podcast. Well, maybe if people would draw you and I as anime characters, there's not- Well, go for it. I know, assholes! Get on top of it! Jordan, who do you think's gonna go to Max FunCon? That guy. No, I know.

And the... yeah. With the hopes of just shaking your hand and masturbating with the hand that he shook your hand with later. And thinking that's you. An impish Virgil. Virgil, one of the greatest wordsmiths of human history. Maybe, okay. I guess I'll take Virgil.

I haven't written an epic poem, though. Where does that come from? You should write an epic poem. No, you're right. Maybe this is career. Maybe this is, yeah, advice, what he would like to see me do. This might be, and you might take this, rather than taking this as a put down, or even as a hagiography, which is how I initially took it. Perhaps you should take it.

It does talk about my miracles that I've performed. Perhaps you should take it as an exhortation to greater things. Yeah. I mean, this actually came up. This actually came up recently. This actually came up recently. Our old pal from college, Dan Grayson, once created a band, an art project called DG8K. And I remember when he finally finished the paintings that were associated with the song cycle, he said to me, this is the greatest work of which I am capable of producing. This is the greatest art of which I am capable of producing.

This is the greatest art of which I am capable. That's what he said. Perhaps this is an exhortation for you to take your work to a Virgil-like level in the form of an epic poem or whatever is metaphorically an epic poem to you, Jordan. Yeah. No, I think epic poem is probably good. I think that's really where the market is headed these days. What if you wrote an epic poem to you, Jordan. Yeah. No, I think epic poem is probably good. I think that's really where the market is headed these days. What if you wrote an epic poem? They've never been hotter.

What if you wrote an epic poem about how people always assume that you still like ska music like you did in high school? I could. I don't know. I feel like this is all... I don't know. I feel like this kind of thing feeds itself. I think we are making it more delightful for people to make fun of me.

You know, Jordan – I feel like the more we talk about it, the more people are going to do it. I think it's a troll thing. Number one, I don't think these people are making fun of you. These people identify with you. You're their hero. You're a god to these people. I don't think so.

These people don't identify with me. I'm Grandpa Podcast. In my experience, in my experience, oh, God, and we're talking about it. We're fucking talking about it again. We shouldn't be. Well, you're the one who took a poem. That's true. Written by someone who's in love with you.

That has content that I had specifically. I think when it comes to ska music or skateboarding, it's something that people find funny because it is. Both of those are funny things. It was a weird regional thing. And I think that they – Skateboarding is the voice of youth culture. No, you're right. I think it's the easiest joke someone can make about me. I feel like I don't encounter people who actually want to talk about ska music. They just want to say Real Big Fish to me. Like if someone wanted to sit down and talk about shows they went to or bands that happen to be still good, I would love to do that. But I think people just want to say Real Big Fish to me because it's the goofiest possible ska band.

Anyway. Well, maybe they want to think of you in your youth. I want to think of Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver and Raging Bull, not the Fockers. And they're thinking of you in your salad days. And that was my prime. Oh, boy. I would crush some puss back then. But I think – here's what I think it is, Jesse.

I think it's the same guys, the same spirit. When people see a picture of you out of a tie, they say, where's Jesse's tie? It's when I bring up a music that isn't Real Big Fish, they say to me, why are you listening to Real Big Fish? But if someone wrote a, all I'm saying is, if someone wrote a poem about me riding a mighty steed, wearing a bow tie and a double-breasted coat. Sure. Handsome. Sword aloft.

Powerful. Lopping the heads off my enemies. That's not accurate. And leading them into battle. That's what you have here. I don't know. These are your people, Jordan. Jordan, to validate partially where you're coming from. Sure, thank you. Would you please

help? If someone gave me a work of art like that, I would be absolutely flattered and simultaneously creeped. Yeah. Creeped out. Flattered and creeped. Thank you. I don't know. Can I ask you a question, Hal? Yeah. Do you have a problem

with people coming up and recognizing you on the street or at a, you know, an event, a con, so on and so forth, and all they want to talk to you about is Scrapple? Yeah, especially when it's a con in a close proximity to the bursar's office. Yes! Bursar's office. Yes! We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hal Rudnick, the reaper. So, Jordan, last week on the program, we didn't just talk about you and your self-image being warped by people talking to you about ska music. We also talked about this commercial that you had been cast in. I think we talked about that on the live show. Oh, on the live show. Which is canonical. And which people can watch on the internet if they want to.

We'll probably end up in the audio podcast feed at some point, but in the meantime, you can watch the video link in our forum if you like. But we talked a little bit about the fact that you had been cast in a commercial where one of the skills

that you had claimed on your resume was stunt work. And they asked you if you had claimed on your resume was stunt work. Yeah. And they asked you if you had done that thing where a chair gets broken over you. And you said, yes, of course. Yeah. Hal, you know about this commercial resume where you tick little boxes with your skills? Of course. What are your skills on there?

Oh, casino gambling, bicycle riding, rapping, coxmanship, betting women of all ages. Wow. Ages, huh? What about races? Origami. IPA absorption. IPA absorption. So, yeah. So I...

It's been a long time since I filled this out. Animal husbandry. Oh, wow. You can impregnate like a bull if you need to? You can lead a bull to a cow. So yeah. So I apparently said that I did some stunt work. I get called into this commercial where they asked me if I had ever done the thing where I've had a chair broken on me. And I said yes, and I got it. And so that is an anecdote you can see on the live show. So I went to shoot this thing.

And again, I don't know if you've had a similar experience, but this has happened to me a little bit in the commercial world, which I have been very unsuccessful at. But I've booked a few things. But you get there and what you're doing is a little bit different than what you auditioned for. Oh, sure. Yeah. So I've booked and shot, oh, upwards of 20 commercials, Jordan. Oh, wow. And do you sometimes feel like you've been thrown a curveball in the audition room?

Every once in a while, but nothing apparently to the extent that you experienced. Yeah. You seem legitimately shaken. It's kind of just a backward situation wherein I was – they wanted me to do the breaking. They wanted me to break a chair on someone else. I'd rather do that. Yeah. Me too.

That's a – I don't want to get assaulted when I – Ever. But here's the thing. I think that the code of the streets is that if you are the assaulter, it is your responsibility not to injure your fellow artist. We ain't on the streets no more. We're in a button-up world here, son. That's right.

Point taken, Hal. That's right. Point taken. Specifically. No, he's right. The button-up world of Bob Newhart. So, yeah. You're thinking like Avon Barksdale.

I'm thinking like Stringer Bell. Fair enough. All right, Jordan. So the the person that I have to hit is not a is not a not a thug in a bar fight, but it's a nice lady. It's just a real nice lady. Probably goes out for the role of, you know, mom or, you know, I could see her in those commercials where like the guys are in the man cave and she like comes down and tells the guy he's got to leave the man cave to – To rear a child.

To react. Get out of your man cave and rear this child. Sorry, fellas. Progressive auto insurance. And then – so this is just this nice, nice lady. And we had a rehearsal day. Wait, in that progressive commercial, does Flo make an appearance? Yeah, she's the one saying, come raise this child while I show auto insurance.

Wait, so Flo was in your commercial for a thing that's not progressive? I know. It's going to be really weird. If this flow chart in front of me is correct. It's like a commercial crossover. Okay. It's like a monthly event in the world, or a yearly event in the world of commercials where the characters all... Would you say

it's the crossover event of the what? The October. Gotcha. That we're in. The crossover event of the month we're in. Can we have a round of applause for Flo as portrayed by the Groundlings' Stephanie Courtney? Thank you. Jordan,

please, I interrupted you. Can I tell a quick story about Flo real quick? I've been out on this show about me and him having a little bit of a crush on her, despite the fact that those commercials have gotten a little bit annoying. But I feel like my crush on Flo, you know, really has withstood the test of time. I think the premise of those commercials is we bet you'll have a crush on flow. Sure. And thus allow us to be annoying.

Oh, sure. And I will. Yeah. Yeah. She does such a nice job. I haven't gone. She's such a nice looking lady that they feel like they've got a golden goose here. They just keep pumping it for eggs.

So I was in a comedy writing class once and there was a substitute teacher that came in for some reason. And the substitute was talking about like, oh, you know, sometimes in entertainment you feel like it's not happening for you and then boom, that day will come.

She's like, oh, I'm best friends with a girl who plays Flo. And she was having a real tough time and now she's on top of the world. And I made some comment about having a crush on her. I'm like, oh, do you know if Flo is single? And then the teacher said, no, you know, and I think she's married. And then she kind of gives me a little look up and down. And she's like, but you know what?

I think she'd like you. Wow. And every time, like, I feel like I'm having some trouble with dating or relationships, I just think about that. I'm like, you know what? If Flo could like me. If something broke bad in Flo's personal life. Sure. If her husband died from a mysterious poisoning.

Oh, yeah. Wow. Guys, yeah. Wow. Guys, I... When Flo's husband leaves her for the Geico Gecko, because he's gay and loves lizards. I take no pride in this, but I listen to so much radio when I'm driving around. I remembered I could sing one of Flo's little songs from her commercial. That annoyed me so much that it prompted me to change the channel, and now I have it memorized. I'd love to hear it all right bundle your home and auto together and you'll feel like the mayor of

savingsville yes you will a town famous for the world's biggest puppy wow i know i don't know what style the song was in but that i mean i can only describe your version of it as a dirge. That's the very word I was about to use. It's distinctly funereal. Very sad jingle. Sure. Anyway, so I have to break a chair on this nice, nice lady. Yes.

And so we have a rehearsal day where no one breaks chairs on anyone. What are you breaking on her? Nothing. We're just miming. on this nice, nice lady. Yes. And so we have a rehearsal day where no one breaks chairs on anyone. Mm-hmm. What are you breaking on her? Nothing. We're just miming. Just miming chairs. I don't think this is even a... How are you going to generate

real emotion in this rehearsal? Oh, it's bullshit. Trust me. Hey, you're not breaking chairs on her that day, but are you breaking off some game? No. This is a nice lady, old enough to be my... Maybe she lady, old enough to be my mother.

Maybe she's not old enough to be my mother. Old enough to be my mother's young friend. Okay. That went from okay to oh. Yeah. You know mom. You know mom's young friend. Recent divorcee.

That was the name of an erotic novel I read, Mother's Young Friend. That was the name of an erotic poem I read, Mother's Young That was the name of an erotic poem I wrote about Jordan that I acted like kind of a dick about So, you know we're getting along great no game, but we're talking about good places to eat

in Little Tokyo the novel Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk other topics maybe those were the only two topics we talked about two things and they went great Little Tokyo. Oh, sure. The novel Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk. Other topics. Maybe those were the only two topics. We talked about two things, and they went great. Kickflips. To a certain extent, you talked about kickflips. Yes, exactly. It was a mutual

passion. Sure, yes. So, chair break time comes the next day, and the chairs we're using are made of balsa wood and it's kind of amazing how light it is. It feels like it's lighter than if it was made out of paper. It's weird to like hold something that's that big that is that light. It's kind of disorienting.

I mean are you sure part of that feeling doesn't just come from your natural power, Jordan? Yeah, I mean, sure. I mean, I was lifting them with my boner, which for me is easier than lifting something with my hands. Can I ask you another question? Are you sure that you weren't lifting a model airplane? You know, I was actually lifting a collection of bird bones, which are very light. And so, you know, they've got a whole – they've got a stack of bird bones which are very light uh and so you know they've got a whole they've got a stack of these things if we need to do this 60 times they've got them right oh and they're very like precariously glued together so kind of on the way to hit someone it basically

falls apart in the air um and you know but it makes a loud sound um so the first that the time comes for me to for me to hit this nice woman and uh a a just a rando stagehand guy comes up to me i'm sure he's in some sort of union and me calling him a stage hand is an insult but sorry random guy he comes the best boy this is the best boy this is a guy who works at best buy this is is someone from the Geek Squad. A Geek Squad member. So he comes up to me and he's like, and I have not talked to this guy. Like we have not chatted. We have not introduced ourselves.

Just sex. Yeah, just pure sex in an alley. Nameless. No talking. I called a number on a bathroom wall. He started to talk and you just lifted one finger to his lips. That's not what this is about. And then you put it through the glory hole.

Sure. And he ran around to the other side. That's weird. It was just a waist-high glory hole. Just the wall only came up to like belly button level. You can still make eye contact. Well, I like to read a magazine while it's happening. So it is better feng shui.

So rando guy just comes up to me and without introducing himself just says, hey, pretend like she's your ex-wife. Which I mean just speaks volumes about this guy in one little comment but also like i'm worried do i have to call sag because i'm being given sexist motivation like is that is that against some sort of performers contract that i've signed that i will not be given sexist motivation it should be in your personal contract with your lord and savior yes it is but this was probably some sort of um you know secular humanist okay in which i don't i can't abide working with those types jordan is a zoroastery ah yes um so so yeah but, but I feel like, come on, isn't there something a little less creepy for me to pretend to hit? Like, maybe he could have said, like, hey, pretend she's those clowns in Congress shutting

everything down or something, right? Those guys. Those congressional types. You're not going to get that advice from James Woods, that's for sure. Right. Those guys, those congressional types. You're not going to get that advice from James Woods. That's for sure. What about James Woods? He's ranting politically lately. Is he?

Yeah, he went off on his Twitter. Oh, no. He called the president an abomination. An Obama nation? Maybe he's just saying he's a member of Obama nation. Maybe. Raider nation. He's a member of Raider nation. He's very outspoken about the president. Jim Woods. Jim Woods, TV's shark.

You're talking about Jimmy Woods. Jimmy Woods. You can see him currently on Ray Donovan. Wow. So he's on the side of the Republicans. Oh, big time. He's done the classic Hollywood old guy flip-flop. Indeed.

He says he doesn't care if he ever works again. Wow. He was very upset about Obama shutting down the World War II memorial. He says our veterans don't deserve that kind of treatment. Anyway. My father is a veteran. He deserves it. He's been naughty.

Spending too much time in the man cave. What else, what would you like to have smashed? Oh, yeah. People who seek to define you when you would like to define yourself? Sure. That would be nice.

Maybe, um, um, what would I like to just hit off, hit with a chair? Uh, you know. We have a guest here this week, Melissa. She won a contest recently. You could imagine hitting her with a chair. Oh, yeah. Fuck her. She doesn't deserve to be here.

Yeah, right? She should have sent in an email during a fucking pledge drive contest. Oh, congratulations. I know what Jordan would want to hit with a chair. A member of the Washington Redskins because you're such a huge Dallas Cowboys fan. Thank you. Thank you. Go, boys. Hook them horns.

Hook them horns. Go see bees. Put them in the box. Roll T horns. Hook them horns. Go CBs. Put them in the box. Roll Tide. Am I right? Penn State University, the Alabama Crimson Tide. Just don't bring up Reggie Bush. So then we started doing this thing where I was hitting this woman with a chair.

It did not feel good. Everybody's like, that must be pretty. It was not fun. I was just so guilty the whole thing where I was hitting this woman with a chair. It did not feel good. Everybody's like, that must be pretty – it was not fun. I was just so guilty the whole time. I was just feeling a little stricken. That's why I would rather take the chair because, number one, you know that it's set up to work. And if you're hitting someone, you have to take responsibility for it. And Jordan doesn't know how to take responsibility. I mean he knows how to take responsibility. I mean, he knows how to take responsibility.

I have no emotions. I killed my pet mouse. I said that wrong. Jordan knows how to take responsibility for it, but he doesn't know what to do to be responsible for it. He doesn't know how to hit someone with a chair in a way that won't hurt them. And so I would much rather...

It says on his resume he's a stunt expert. I would much rather just rely on the system to keep me safe. Sure. And I don't think I hurt this woman at all. But our previously friendly relationship was gone. Right. Like we did this for two more days. And like I could tell she didn't

want to make eye contact with me fuck you i hated that book my favorite book of the year was the art of fielding um exactly by who joe tory or yes joe tory's novel the art of fielding um but how did she and the rest of the cast and crew um react to the fact that you were visibly aroused while you were doing it? Oh, that was in character. That was part of the audition. Gotcha. So, yeah. So part of how you got this part was just your boner ability.

Yeah, boner maintenance. It was like a porn film. A well-maintained boner. Can I ask you a question? I said it was like a porn film. Mm-hmm. I think you know where I'm going with this. Was I making some sort of furniture-based porn?

Yeah. Yeah. Featuring a- A pleasant middle-aged woman. A my filth or mom's younger friend I'd like to fuck? Yeah. Yes, it was for me-a-filth hunters. We got into the me-a-filth van and went out looking for hot me-a-filths.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Throwing shade is the art of deserved public disrespect, and no one does it better than Brian and I on our podcast, Throwing Shade. Every week we take off our pants and tell the people who are the enemies of ladies and gays where they can shove it. They can shove it up their butts. That was implied. Check out Throwing Shade on the Maximum Fun Network. I hate giving you compliments, but that was actually really good. I know, I practiced like real hard.

Now you're bright. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hal Rudnick, the reaper. Oh, Hal. It's so fun to have you on the program. Oh, I'm having a blast.

We should have you on the show every week. I mean, let's lock it in. Okay. Great. You usually don let's lock it in. Okay. Great. You usually don't say lock it in that tepidly. Let's write it in ink. Let's definitely do it while shaking your head. We actually have a fourth person in the studio with us. Her name is Melissa.

Hi, Melissa. How are you? Hi, Jesse. I'm fine. I'm very happy to have you on the program. Melissa, as we mentioned earlier on, one, what happened? It was during the pledge drive last year. I remember that. I know that's going on because one of our development staff is sitting outside. Lindsay is sitting outside in the office. Was it during our Jordan, Jesse, go live show?

sitting outside in the office. Was it during our Jordan Jesse Go Live show? No, I think it was during just the last time Max Fund was doing fundraising. And it was, oh, it was the best, was it the best tweet? It was the best tweet. Melissa had the best tweet of the pledge drive. Do you remember what your tweet was? Kind of.

I do, actually. I think I said I just upped my donation to Maximum Fund, and when my gifts arrive, my non-donor husband can have the lube and go fuck himself. Yes. There you go. I remember that now. There you go. I remember that. Yeah, fuck that guy.

That was one of our prizes this year was lube. Yeah, this past year in the pledge tribe. Well, Melissa. Did he indeed use that lube to masturbate? I think the audience wants to know. I don't think he has yet. So he never listens to me. Well, Melissa. Did he indeed use that loop to masturbate? I think the audience wants to know. I don't think he has yet. Well. So he never listens to me.

What a jerk. Oh, husbands. He's down there in the man cave, not masturbating. You should know that you're on vacation. He's been masturbating this entire time. I don't know how long you've been on this trip so far. I know I saw you yesterday, so at least 24 hours. He's masturbated in that, so at least 24 hours. He's masturbated

in that 24 hours at least four times. At least. That's called doing it husband style. What's his refractory period like? Let's get down to brass tacks. Melissa, tell us where you live. I live in Bellingham, Washington. That sounds like beautiful country. It really is. God's country or what? Well, yes. Every country is God's country.

No, that's true. That's true. Sorry. It's just Jordan's trademark impishness. Yeah. Also, when I throw a fireball, that's part of my impishness. Can you move the skateboard out of the way, please? Sorry.

Sorry. Can we ask you what out of the way, please? Sorry. Sorry. Can we ask you what kind of work you do, Melissa? Yes. I work in the registration office at a technical college. Oh. All exciting stuff. Is that a close proximity to the bursars? I took the word out of my mouth.

My supervisor is the registrar. That's another funny college word. Man, I used to have to go to the college veteran's office all the time. Because of your service to our country. Absolutely. Absolutely. No, because of that goddamn President Obama. Who hadn't even been elected yet. You know

why? Because I was out there saying no-bama. Thank you. Thank you. A no-bama is what I said. You're welcome. You're welcome. Hal, you're welcome. Melissa, you're welcome. You and John Voight are hanging out after this, right? Yeah, absolutely.

I came to loathe the building that housed those offices so deeply. And I loathe you by proxy, Melissa. I guess that's what I'm trying to say, Melissa. That's what I'm trying to say. Well, no sheepskin for you. Can I ask at what university? Oh, you said, the technical college? It's a technical college. What kind of – what technical skills are taught at this college? Welding, nursing, lots of health programs. Sounds very technical. Is there anything – HVAC.

Is there anything really good like detective? No, unfortunately. God damn it. Isn't that the whole point of having a technical college? Like, sure, you have dental hygienist you have nursing related things elder care firefighter you have all these different elder care exactly tv vcr repair have all the shit that that's normal but then you have to have you have to throw in a couple of personal fantasy jobs they should have a they should have a they should have like a wing

for kid fantasy jobs. It has to be the shit. Not firefighter, but fireman. It's the shit that motivates a guy who's done nothing with his life and is high on the couch watching television to make that call. He's not going to call and say, oh, later a counselor will talk him into a field where he can help society and get a job. Routing. But the thing that's going to get him to dial the phone is if it says batting instructor. Wait.

So you're saying like a Trojan horse kind of thing. Oh, absolutely. Like you too can be a roadie for Cypress Hill. Exactly. Well, there is a boner lifting program. Oh, OK. Short certificate. Sure. Jordan would destroy that course. I could teach that class. Well, there is a boner lifting program. Oh, okay. Short certificate.

Sure. Jordan would destroy that course. I could teach that class. Speaking of- Clinic. An intensive. A four-week intensive. Wow. Yeah.

What's your refractory period? Four weeks. Once a month. Melissa, welcome to the program. Speaking of technical skills. Yeah. I happen to have visited the electronics repair shop yesterday. Mm-hmm.

My secondary receiver, currently the receiver that I had fixed by the folks at the electronics, the kind folks, my good friend Gary at the electronics repair shop. First name basis. In my neighborhood of northeast Los Angeles. Is sitting here in my office. It's a really nice piece. A really strong output. Clean sound.

Nice mids. Kind of like those mids. You know what I mean? The way it drives those mids. Those tweeters. You know what I'm talking about, right? Just go woof Those woofers. Nah.

Jordan. What? Oh, this is Jesse's character 70s stereo guy. That's what I was about to say. Maybe if you don't want to be defined as ska guy, maybe hi-fi guy is a good alternative. Sure, yeah. Don Cheadle from Boogie Nights guy.

Okay. So my home receiver was buzzing, so I took it in, and I had a conversation with Gary. Now, here's the thing. A couple of listeners, for your benefit, Hal, and I'm sure you know this, Melissa, because you invariably listen every week of the day the show is released. of the day the show is released. But I had a great conversation with Gary when I went to pick up my last repair job in which he said that he couldn't understand why kids make this noise

in reference to a pop station on the radio and that he used to live in Europe. But he also had a Mediterranean skin tone and a distinctly indeterminate accent. And so we played this voicemail that he had left for me on the air in case anyone could reverse engineer where in Europe he was from based on his accent. We had a lot of guesses. Based on his accent. We had a lot of guesses. The biggest guess, the biggest group of guesses, I would say, were Portugal and Greece.

All the CIA analysts in the audience. Exactly. Did Liam Neeson specifically call? So some people in the thread had just said, why don't you call him and ask him? And that seemed like a really weird thing to do to me, a person with empathy and some sensitivity. Granted, will I talk to him, to a group of tens of thousands of people that listen, talk about him and play his voicemail on a popular podcast? Yes. But I'm not just going to call him and say, what country are you from? I'm not that kind of guy. So I went in there and I knew that people would not be satisfied if I went in and left without finding out this information.

chatting and I look Gary's a chatty guy I mean you haven't met Gary how but if you had you would be fast friends great you're familiar with the quality of chattiness oh sure oh sure I've come across in my travels yes so so he's talking to me he's telling me about this chair he bought the 60s chair he says he's thinking about painting it black because right now it's clear plastic it's like a shell molded type chair injection molded type chair it's it's a little frosty because it's a little old yeah um he's thinking about painting it black and i'm oh yeah i don't know that's really interesting he says he has some notes i have a uh he notes i have a marantz receiver says people like these i don't know why i was like well you know I don't know they're pretty they have a warm tone I said to him you know we're making

friends and um he says to me you know the weather outside is frightful he said to me the weather outside and this fire can go fuck itself he happened to have a sheepskin rug on hand. He said to me, you know, the weather outside is really beautiful today.

I guess that's why people move to Southern California. And I said, yeah, I guess it is. And I will note here that he said that contemptuous with a tone of contempt for Southern California. And so I said, yes, I guess so. It is really lovely outside. And I said, I, and that's when I had my opening. I said, I remember that you mentioned you were from Europe the last time we talked. Where are you, what country are you from originally?

Are you ready for the big reveal? Bulgaria. Bulgaria did not come up once. But it fits all the, it makes perfect sense. You don't need a two-year degree in private investigation to know that it's the perfect solution to the problem because it is essentially a Mediterranean nation, but it is also an Eastern European nation. It is both of them. It is the most Mediterranean of the group that I will call the Dracula countries. I was so excited. And not only did Gary, not only did Gary, he was born and raised in Bulgaria, but he

also lived in France and Italy before moving to the United States, becoming a Marine, and then moving to Southern California, where for the last 20 years or so, he's run an electronics repair shop. I will note that he said his days on the beaches of the Mediterranean were his best days. He said, you exercise, you talk to girls, and then you exercise and talk to girls. Those were the days. I like two of those. Man, sounds like prison.

Melissa has a question. You have a question. Actually, I wanted to say that like a week ago, somebody at my work asked me, he's like, can I ask you a heritage question? And I said, sure. And she said, are you Bulgarian? And I had never heard that before. Of Bulgaria? I've never heard anybody

ask me if I'm Bulgarian before. I've heard lots of other things. You are not Bulgarian. I am not. Okay. I'm not a vampire. No. Well, I mean, I have seen you in direct sunlight, so we know that. I knew that. You're Romanian, right? Well, yes. Just checking in. Yeah.

Melissa's a Romanian, if you're wondering. So anyway, fucking Gary mystery is solved. And I talked to Gary a bunch more, which I don't know if I'm going to do in the future. I like his enthusiasm, but he does say things that make me uncomfortable. Sure. I mean, and now that you know that he can probably kill a man with his hands, having been in the military. That made me very uncomfortable. Sure.

I don't want him to kill me. No. I don't want him to kill anyone. Yeah. So, Jesse, not a fan of people with military service. Not a fan of veterans. Frightened of veterans. You hate their office.

Yeah, well, I told you about my— You don't want them touching your stereo. Let me put it this way. Just imagine a combination of two hit songs of the 1970s, The Ballad of the Green Berets and Cats in the Cradle. And you've got my dad. Can I tell a fun fact about my dad's military service? I would appreciate that.

I want to hear a fun fact. He would lie to people and tell them he was a bronze star winner to get special treatment. Where does one get special treatment if you have a bronze star? Oh, from – you name it. He forged weird relationships with celebrities. Celebrities. He became friends with Jeff Bridges. So wait.

So he or dad did actually serve in the military. He did. And he received veterans benefits. And he put on some shows for the Veterans Center that he worked through. But then he was conveniently a Bronze Star winner, which is just below, like, it's just like a couple of notches below the Medal of Honor. So do you think that these people,

Jeff Bridges included, gave him special treatment because of the Bronze Star that they would not have given to just, you know, your average military man? Maybe. He played up that he was injured and that he saved his platoon. So there was a whole backstory to this? Yeah, no.

My dad liked to just embellish his military service. Was this your dad or your college girlfriend? It was me. No, no, no! It was hell the whole time! He was another fun fact about my dad.

Oh, God. God love him. Dad, if you're listening up there, I'm glad you get radio up there. They have a nice internet connection. Yes. And by the way, thanks for putting us on the radio in heaven. Yeah. We're internet only here.

Oh, by the way, we have to do a heaven break for AshleyMadison.com. Oh, by the way, we have to do a heaven break for AshleyMadison.com. He was also – he was half blind as a product of his diabetes. But he had one of those blind canes and he would be more blind when it was more convenient for him. Sure. Yeah, like if he was – again, if he was going to get some kind of special treatment. convenient for him. Yeah. Like if he was, again, if he was going to get some kind of special treatment. My father is a disabled veteran and he's disabled in the sense that he's mentally disabled.

Not to make light of it, but I feel I've borne the brunt of it enough times to laugh about it. Sure. And he qualifies for and receives disabled license plates. And he'll just park in a disabled spot. I mean, I guess the – I guess it would stress him out to have to walk further. I guess the logo is a guy in a wheelchair.

But, you know, who knows why he's in that wheelchair. I'm just saying my dad doesn't have any mobility issues. Does he, dad? My dad Is he friends with Jeff Bridges? My dad is a good and honorable man, and I would love it if he was friends. My dad is not friends with Jeff Bridges, but he has seen The Big Lebowski a lot of times. Oh, man. I'm not sure if my dad ever saw The Big Lebowski. He was a fan of older Jeff Bridges, like Starman.

dad ever saw the big lebowski he was a a fan of like older jeffrey like starman i know that my dad you know my dad probably earned the whatever the uh equivalent of the participation trophy is for his time in the in an honorable discharge uh but i think he may also have received uh something is there a worst member of the worst at war a court martial least suitable least suitable to martial a martial context why did we sign this

man up award did he receive one of those bar of soap beatings from a full metal jacket it would be It would be funny if they gave you a most improved medal. Like, hey, you know what? You're really keeping that bunk neat. Anyway,

we've made light of our fathers and their military past. We've introduced Melissa to our audience. We've clarified for Gary. Now it's time for momentous occasions. When something momentous happens to you, the listener, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4

FUN to share that momentous occasion with us. Let's take a listen to our first call. Jordan, this is Adam from Pittsburgh with a momentous occasion. I'm coming out of the grocery store,

and there's an older gentleman, probably about 70, also coming out of the grocery store. He loads his grocery bags into his car, and he turns around, and he has the empty cart. He's about 30 feet or so from where the carts go, a little stall there, and he kind of takes a few steps toward it, lines it up, and pushes it,

and it just beautifully curves right into the stall and then crashes into the back, and he turns around and he throws his fist in the air. Yes. It was great. Thank you. Love the show.

Keep going. Bye. It's called a home fucking run. Yeah. Yeah. Anything good happen to you since you've been in Los Angeles, Melissa? Well, this right here. This is pretty good.

This is pretty good. That's really nice of you to say, Melissa. We're very happy to have you here. Yeah. Has it lived up to your imagination? Yeah. I don't know. I guess I never really imagined the booth.

I just love your show so much. Had you met or seen these fellows before? You've been to – man, very exciting. Well, this is the way to do it. This is the way to see it first. How would you describe the context in which we sit? describe how would you describe the context in in which we sit if to someone at home who has never had the occasion to imagine it just as you were not one week ago um how would you paint a picture of this scene for folks at home okay it's four orange chairs one not quite one in each corner

walls are covered with you. It's gray. Like a mattress cover. It looks like a mattress cover. Yeah. Mattress. That's true. That's good. And it's small.

Keep going. Describe my body. Well, you'll have to take your clothes off. Yes. You heard the woman. And lift each chair with your boner. Let's take another call. Hey, guys.

My name's Catherine. I am in the middle of a moment of shame. I took my pill for the evening without water, as is my practice. And then I burped. And it went up into my nose. And then I burped, and it went up into my nose. So now I'm sitting over the toilet trying to get a pill that is dissolving in my nose canal, out of my nose through whatever means possible. And it is also dripping bitter medicine stuff down my throat.

So it's lots of fun. Thought you guys would like to hear about it. Yeah. I mean, isn't it fine? Just let it dissolve up there, right? Is it her birth control or is it a Paxil? The good news is no booger babies. Sure.

Which is a thing I just invented. I mean, I'm sure her husband or boyfriend will really appreciate that she'd be down for some NFing later that night. Good news, honey. We can finally try that thing you've been asking for. Oh, he can get an NJ. Yeah, an NJ. A Nost job. I'm almost there.

Where should I go? So it was pretty obvious that that was a birth control pill. I don't know. I mean, a lot of people take nightly pills. I mean, it could be a sleeping pill, I guess. Could have been a Flintstones vitamin. Yeah. Antidepressant. Yes.

Could have just been an airborne. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You know, a nightly placebo. Sure. You don't even. It could have been her AZT. You don't even dissolve it in water.

You just shove it in your nose. You shove that disc of airborne in your nose. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but, I mean, isn't it dissolving in your nose just the same as – Yeah. I mean, it gets in there, right? That's a fine membrane. It gets into the bloodstream like that?

An underrated membrane. I think so. I think so. One of the finest membranes. Oh, definitely. Definitely. There's a lot of good membranes. I mean, maybe she could chop it up and snort it next time.

That's a really good... She was at a cool ladies party. What would happen if you smoked your birth control? You'd get super fucked up. Man, I just want to smoke a little birth control and watch Tron. It's my hobby. Now, what about freebasing birth control? Is that the same as smoking it?

Freebasing is when you heat it on a piece of foil or something, right? Isn't that what that is? Yeah. I think it's to be injected. That's the idea. No, freebasing is like you heat it and the smoke comes out and you suck it with a straw. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, do that to birth control. Yeah. Yeah, you can't light regular – I think that's what it is. You can't light regular cocaine on fire like you can't – no, because a crack rock, you heat that. You don't light it on fire. Yeah. But it's cheaper. So it's just regular cocaine.

Guys, we're leaving that on our guest. Are you a Norplant woman? No, I just have portions every time I get pregnant. Oh, okay. Great. Can you smoke one of those? So I think what it is is a freebasing is when you heat regular cocaine. Right.

Not to be confused. Because usually we would be talking about smoking cocaine. You'd be talking about crack cocaine, which is a slightly altered form of cocaine. Makes it less expensive. Gotcha. Is that right? I think that's probably true. Sounds good to me.

Brian's nodding that I got that right. Thank God. Thank fucking God. You'd hate to have those crack nerds on you. Dear podcast. As a 32-year-old man who's never used cocaine, this is definitely something that's likely to come up in the future for me. You mean you'll be at a cocktail party? Jeff Bridges? Yeah, you'll be at Jeff Bridges' house?

What about the inequality in crack laws versus cocaine laws? Thank you. Thank you. Bravo. Yeah. No-bama. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bravo. Yeah. No-bama. Thank you.

No-bama. That's all we're saying. Yeah. We're just saying no-bama. We have any more calls, Brian? We have no more calls. Well, Melissa, it has been a delight to have you here. Thank you.

This is truly the most momentous occasion that's happened to you recently? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. That was just me setting her up to compliment us. I guess. Had any good meals in Los Angeles? Not really. Missing out. I know.

I'm sorry to hear that. Try the famous fondue. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hal Rudnick, the reaper. Our thanks to Melissa for joining us on the air here on the program, being a MaxFun donor and tweeting about it during the MaxFun drive. Very nice.

If you want to be the next Melissa, you should go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Who knows what might happen? Maybe you'll get to come out here. Maybe you'll get some sort of prize. I have a proposal. Something else might happen. I have a proposal that's not up for debate. Okay.

I have some cool stuff. So an ed debate. Okay. I have some cool stuff. So an edict. Yeah. I have some cool stuff in the prize closet. Okay. Okay. I'm talking about large-scale vibrators. I'm talking about small-scale vibrators.

Like the rabbit. I'm talking about earbuds, T-shirts. Totes. There's nothing I love more than putting together a prize pack. Especially now that we have an administrative person here in the office, the great Jennifer Marmer, who will send it out. I don't have

to frank it. I hate franking postage. You know what I mean? I just fucking hate franking. Oh, I thought franking was hiding in an attic. Like your Uncle Frank. Yes. He was a bizarre agoraphone. But what a masturbator.

But what can you say about him? He loved attics. You know what? As much as he hated the great outdoors. The man had a passion. He had his games up there. His puzzles. Jigsaw puzzles.

He had seven completed jigsaw puzzles up there. Of course, he had the HVAC up there. Oh, yeah. Here's my proposal slash edict. So far, we've seen one poem about my friend Jordan Morris. And I was mostly insulted by it. And, you know, like, we'll be honest. You know, Jordan has specific requirements for his hagiographic poems.

Sure. That they not include stuff about ska, skateboarding. Is there anything else? Being a schlub. Yeah. Just schlubbing this. Okay. So none of that stuff.

Yeah. None of those things, none of which are true of Jordan. Right? Correct. Not a skateboard. I mean, he did like ska in high school and college, but it's been a long time since he's listened to it regularly. Only just has fond memories like anyone else thinks of the music that they liked in high school and college. He was the premier comedic reporter in the field of action sports.

That's true. There's no doubt about that. But he's not a skateboarder. No. He just happens to be from Orange County. He was one of the people who lived in Orange County, saw what was going on, and made a reasonable judgment about it. You know, he was self-critical. He understood these things are good about Orange County these things are bad about orange county maybe i should move to los

angeles but you know just visit my mom in orange county and not resent that i have to visit her i love my mother that kind of stuff this is a reasonable man my mother jordan is a reasonable man he also the coen brothers movie a serious man on me. This is a guy who also dresses- A lot of rewrites on it. Dresses perfectly respectably. This is a man with a nice brown chocolate suede derby on. Sure. We're talking about a man with a button-down shirt with a cowboy logo on it.

This is a guy who knows what it takes to be a grown adult man in the world. Nice suede shoes. So here's what I would like to see. That's what you meant by suede shoes. So here's what I would like to see. That's what you meant by derby, right? Here's what I would like to see. I'm not wearing a hat. I'm not wearing a suede hat, I should say. You are, yes.

That's a little similar. That's what I meant. You're wearing a suede derby hat. That would make it seem like I was going to a Scott concert in 1996 if I was wearing a derby. Some kind of front. If it was a brown suede derby, it would have to be a Frontier Scott concert. Sure. Yeah, yeah.

They had to get very specific back then. If you wanted to cut through the noise, you had to have a theme. Here's what I would like to see. Sure. All the young people these days, and how you know this, are on the blogging platform Tumblr. Oh, yeah. They make Tumblogs. Mm-hmm.

If you haven't heard about this this is a billion dollar operation purchased by mrs yahoo on behalf of young tumblr guy you know what i mean this is that's how the internet business works tumblog young people and millennials. It is true. So here's... Save it for your TED Talk. Here's my proposal. A paradigm shift. Are you guys ready for this?

If you have a Tumblog or you just want to write something... We're doing a paradigm shift. Guys, bitcoins. See you next week. If you have a Tumblog, I would like you to write a poem about Jordan. Hashtag it JJGo. You can explore a romantic interest in Jordan, a fraternal interest in Jordan, a friendly interest in Jordan, A sporting interest in Jordan?

A passing interest. A passing slash casual interest in Jordan. A worship interest? Absolutely. As a man would be interested in a god. Yes. As man is often interested in gods. You have to do it this week.

So that means right now, hashtag it JJ Go, tag it on Tumblr, JJ Go. The winner, I will read personally on the air and we will send them a prize pack. And when I say a prize pack,

we're talking about $50, $75 worth of MaxFun crap. Ooh, how sweet it is. This is a great prize pack. You have one week to do this. Write the poem. Hashtag it JJGo.

Post it on Tumblr or on our Facebook wall. I'll also accept our Facebook wall. Do you actually... What about a WordPress blog? If you do a WordPress blog, you better link to it from a Tumblr or from our Facebook wall. Because otherwise, how's our producer, Sonny D, going to find it?

Now, Melissa said that in her prize pack she got lube. Like, do you actually have sex toys in your – Yes. Are you sponsored by Adam and Eve or something? Our friends at ExtremeRestraints.com have provided us with sex toys, included branded personal lubricant. Yes. There's JJGoLube? It's MaximumFun.org Lube.

Gotcha. I mean, oh, man, if you could get a sex toy with your faces on it. Yeah. So I can, you know. What about one of those clear butt plugs and when you look into it, you see Jordan smiling? What are you going to do? There should be, I mean, it should be one of those two-pronged sex toys where one is for insertion and one is

to stimulate the clitoris. Oh, I thought you meant two-pronged like the end of... I call clitoris. Shit. What about a... Well, good luck, Jesse. That's all I can say. Good luck. What about a classic double-sider like in Requiem for a Dream? Our whole sex toy... Dibs on Jesse. Our whole sex toy Dibs on Jesse

Our whole sex toy Says one lady Our whole sex toy business Is based on Requiem for a Dream What a sad biz So write that Write that poem I say write it now

You can take any form That you want I will say now I personally prefer free verse. I also like a sonnet. Certainly epic verse is acceptable. I don't want a man from Nantucket type situation.

But what if it's a handful of limericks? You can write a handful of limericks. I'm just saying. Like a collection of limericks that tells a larger story? I'm going to get, number one, I'm deciding who wins this prize on behalf of my friend Jordan. I don't see why Jordan should have a voice in this.

There's no reason. There's no reason to. I'm just going up the vagina. What do I have to say about this? I will be deciding based on aesthetic and moral value. So I want a- So nothing about Obamacare. I want a beautiful, powerful poem, okay?

No Obama. No ska. No skateboarding. No toaster talk. Just all the great things that you love about Jordan. Oh, God. Toaster talk. Just all the great things that you love about Jordan. Oh, God. Toaster talk. Yeah.

Anyway. Sorry. Go ahead. And some metaphors. Use some figurative language. That's what poetry is all about. Absolutely. You want to use synecdoche? Go for it.

Metonymy. Absolutely. Can they use metonymy can i say i am most likely to choose a poem with one example of metonymy okay fine how about that that's a fair that's a fair contest right very reasonable contest one week is all you have. All you have is until Saturday afternoon. That's when we will... Just when we tape this. Yeah. You have until Monday when we release this to Saturday afternoon. Post it on your Tumblog.

Post it on our Facebook page. We're going to take care of business. That's less than a week. Yeah. Hal Rudnick, it's been a pleasure to have you on the program. Ah, Jesse, Jordan. I'm so excited to have been here in the new digs. How long have you been in this spot?

Four years. Wow, man. Yeah. Really? That other time that we recorded, those other times that we recorded with you in the past, we recorded at my house. Uh-huh. It's because I didn't want you here.

Oh. I was worried you might steal. No. And I know I do. It's more restricted. And I know

I do have the reputation of tracking dog dude wherever I go. You do have that reputation. But thanks for

having me here. This has been a lot of fun. It's been an absolute joy. Of course, Hal, if you don't know, is, what are you, you're at Hal Rudnick on Twitter, right? Yes, at Hal Rudnick. And he is one of the on-screen personalities and creative forces behind the Screen Junkies.

Yes, Screen Junkies. Go to YouTube and just search Screen Junkies. You'll see a delightful exploration into pop culture every week. We've had Jordan as a guest on there. Yeah, I've been on there a couple times. It's tons of – I, regardless of if I am on it, watch every week. It's a great show. You'll see Hal doing some fun stuff like watching Human Centipede with his mom.

Yes. This week we recap all three seasons of The Walking Dead. There you go. A very popular, somewhat mediocre show. But it's a populist show. We count all three seasons in eight minutes. Maybe throw some jokes in there, too. Oh, plenty of jokes.

Plenty of... It's a good time. Screen junkies. You'll find it on your YouTube. So we got YouTube. We got Twitter is at Hal Runnick. Of course, people can see him live in person here in Los Angeles with his signature show, The Tournament of Nerds.

Yes. And sometimes around the country. Oh, yeah. Not here in Los Angeles with his signature show, The Tournament of Nerds. Yes. And sometimes around the country. Oh, yeah. Not just in Los Angeles. Yeah. Do some touring. No dates coming up. Just mostly in L.A. And tonight, I'll be going to Outback Steakhouse, which I'm very... Actually, I will be eating at Outback Steakhouse.

That sounds... What will you be ordering? Probably the Petit Filet. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The smaller filet mignon. And, oh, I love the sweet potato. How does that prepare? It's like a baked potato, except it's a sweet potato. That's great. Yeah.

That's a great thing. Oh, man. That's a great thing to cook. Anybody who's an at-home cook out there, and they want a nice companion to their meal, get yourself a sweet potato. Roast that fucker. You know, just do it the Mark Bittman way. Do yourself a favor.

And get a load of this. And then you score it across the top and you kind of smush it and it pops open. Yeah. Sounds like a lot of fun. And you've just scored. You've just scored like a major boner in your food zone. Are you going to have a draft

beer, do you think, while you're there? Oh, I mean, I'm a light beer guy. Can I recommend the ribeye rather than the petite filet? You could, but I won't take you up on it. It's beefier. I'm going to order what I want, what I know I like and want. Are you going to get their signature appetizer? You know, the cheese sticks?

Aye, the Aussie cheese sticks. The Irish Aussie cheese sticks. The Australian nachos? Oh, you know, they used to have Australian names for all their things. Like the New York strip steak was the Ayers Rock strip. But then they changed it to just New York strip and apparently it was confusing their customers.

Yeah, I feel like they've kind of gone back on the Australian theme, right? That's not as much of a part of Outback as it once was. Paul Hogan works there now. Yeah, right. Unrelated though. The one in Santa Ana. Sure. As does Yahoo Syria.

I was disappointed. We would go to the Claim Jumper all the time as a kid. Big portions. Yeah, huge portions. And I went back as an adult to find they had kind of dropped the Gold Rush theme. What? Then what the fuck is it called Claim Jumper for? I don't know. It might as well be called anything.

It could just be called Burger Restaurant. Yeah, or Fuck Your Childhood Memories. Thank you. Thank you. That's what they did. I think they still did have root beer barrels, though. Can I sing the Outback Steakhouse song that I sort of remember from my childhood? Please do.

Outback Steakhouse, Outback Steakhouse from the land down under. When the boomerang go, it come back. You will too, out back. I love it. It's a real dirge of a song. It's a real funereal. Yeah, I mean, I think of the food being laid to rest. Well, Hal, it's been a delight.

The mausoleum that is your gut. It's been a delight to have you on the program. Our producer, Sonny D., Brian Fernandez. Our thanks to Melissa for being a MaxFun donor and coming out here all the way to Los Angeles from Bellingham, Washington. And our development associate, Lindsay Pavlis, listener services director. Donor services director? God damn it. I don't remember what.

She works for me. I don't remember what her goddamn title is. King Shit. Straight though. Yeah, King Shit. Lindsay Pavlis, title is. King Shit. Straight though. Yeah, King Shit. Lindsay Favless, King Shit. King Shit. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records.

Look, guys, let's get those poems coming. Free verse. Yeah, that's like no work. You have to write a bunch of words. You don't even have to write capital letters if you don't want to. No. You can write a fucking text message. It can be write a bunch of words. You don't even have to write capital letters if you don't want to. No. You can write a fucking text message. It can be spaced anywhere on the page.

You can literally text message it to Tumblr and they'll post it on your Tumblog. Sweet prize pack. Come on. This is going to be great. Jordan, you're going to love these poems. We'll see. I'll probably be a dick about them. You're not going to be a dick.

I'll probably be a dick about them. You're not going to be a dick. You're going to be bathing in the love of your audience. He's acting a little salty already. I'm just cranky. I don't mean to be cranky about poems. Jordan, these people love you. It's fine.

These are your people, Jordan. These are your people. These are the people who go on iTunes and give us two-star reviews that say Jordan is really funny. It is true. I am about two stars funny. I would say that say Jordan is really funny. It is true. I am about two stars funny. I would say that's how funny I am. They usually say Jordan is really funny, and then they say other stuff about the other people on the show.

Like Hal and how funny he is. Talking about Hal. We're talking about Hal. Write those fucking poems, people. JJ Go, hashtag it. We'll be back next week on Jordan Jesse Go