Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 296: The Coloring Book with Michelle Biloon

Episode Date: October 21, 2013

Comedian and podcaster Michelle Biloon joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Michelle's terrifying experience with pony rides, Jesse's search for a preschool, and Jordan's bewilderment over an oddly placed billboard.  Plus, Bucky Sinister calls in to help judge the Jordan Morris Poetry Contest.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I have to explain, first and foremost, why I sound like I've been smoking unfiltered cigarettes for the last 35 years, I'm a little ill. Okay. I'm getting over an illness. How would you characterize this illness?

I'd characterize it as the common cold. Hmm, interesting. You're telling me. Sounds exotic. This is the kind of thing you don't see every day. Yeah. Common, as it turns out, is quite the misnomer. So, yeah.

So this is some, well, should we maybe not call it the common cold? I mean how is what you have different from what Joe Lunchbox will get? Mine is sort of like a white collar. Mine is a white collar version. Oh, OK. So you got it from slightly spoiled caviar? I got it. It came with my liberal arts degree.

OK. Yeah. Let's introduce our guest on the program. I got it. It came with my liberal arts degree. Okay. Yeah. Let's introduce our guest on the program. I'd love to. She's excited to contribute to this conversation about my cold. She is a stand-up comedian, a podcast hostess, the longtime host of Walking with Michelle. Yes, yes, yes. Now the Balloon Forest Project.

Yes. Michelle Balloon. How are Yes. Michelle Balloon. How are you, Michelle? I'm very good. Would you say that it's fair to characterize Walking with Michelle as the longest running podcast with the least number of episodes? I think that's a fair way. That's a fair way to characterize my podcast. It could have been one of the greats.

Yeah. It's a big regret. Well, you know It could have been one of the greats. Yeah. It's a big regret. Well, you know what I think is coming back are small batch podcasts. You don't want some. I mean, listen, this is a fucking. Of my boutique podcast, you know, open up a storefront on 3rd Street, you know, and hey, walk in with Michelle podcast. Get one of the exclusive nine. Exactly.

And then everybody will wonder how you stay open. Yeah. Patton Oswalt bit here. Every one of them is hand labeled. Yes. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, what we have here, this is like an Andy Warhol factory situation. It is.

We're turning shit out. But you, you know, you're lovingly crafting something. I am. I am. I'm a little jealous of this, you know, it's creepy. It's a creepy studio. Oh, this assembly line podcast. No, no.

Go back to your artisanal. No, it is. I'm sorry for all of you that you weren't there when it was. You can go and listen to the nine episodes that are out there. And there's a tenth that I never released. Wow. Lost episode. Maybe it was made posthumously.

Posthumously. You think you're going to save that for the DVD? That was back when people made podcasts with their hands. I mean, no one. Maybe made posthumously. Posthumously. You think you're going to save that for the DVD? Uh-huh. That was back when people made podcasts with their hands. I mean, no one. No, sorry. Yeah, no. It was in the days of the early days with the podcast. Yeah.

We were contemporaries. Is that the right word? I always never know when to use that word. You were contemporaries. Yeah, I was contemporaries. And then everything got real popular. That was in the days of that. And then now there's a bunch of this like, oh, like formulaic Britney Spears podcast,

Come Go Latelys. That was in the time of the untitled Thorne Morris project. It was. It was. Yeah. That was back when we still had our punk rock ethos. Yeah, sure. Now we have sold out.

Yeah, well, we got that horn section. That's true. You know what I mean? And we sort of shined the whole thing up. Yeah. Got that keyboardist. I like the contributions of a keyboardist. Second guitarist.

Yeah. Is this something you're making up or something that happened? I guess we're kind of what we're doing now is a comedy bit where we're supposing that the podcast was like a, you know. Like a three piece. Like a three piece punk band.piece punk band, like Green Day back at Gilman Street. I could have jumped in. I wasn't on board, guys. Do you want to start?

We can start over again. Yeah, let's start over. Okay. Boy, I remember when our podcast used to have a punk rock ethos. Oh, yeah. That was before we got that keyboard player. Yeah, yeah. The second guitarist.

And weren't you guys the guys who brought back the keytar? That's when the keytar got started to be popular? I did incorporate the keytar. I mean, we just like started. I mean, we were on a kind of a Brian Wilson-esque acid freakout and we would get like, you know, world music musicians in here. Weren't some of the members of that group actually went on to form Yo Gabba Gabba? Isn't that?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Good bit, you guys. Thanks. I'm glad we went back and did it again. Yeah. I'm glad I could participate.

I recently watched the performance of the hip-hop group Deltron 3030 on the David Letterman program. Oh, how'd that go? It was interesting. They're kind of back after a long hiatus, right? Like they've been inactive for a long time? Yeah. Well, I mean, it was supposed to be a one-off sort of side project type situation, but it turned out that white people liked it.

And I think white people have been bothering them about it ever since. Sure. And nothing else that they do do white people like. And white people make up the overwhelming majority of Americans. I mean, we're still looking at 65%, I think. So, hey, good for us, huh? By the way, let's take a minute. Way to go, whites.

And this is what it was. Del the Funky Homo Sapien. Okay, I know who that is. Okay, now I'm on board. The rapper from the Hieroglyphics crew out of Oakland, California. He fronts this band in character, I believe. It was a concept album. Dan the Automator is the producer.

Also know that fella. Kid Koala, the DJ. A very talented disc jockey. So this is their onstage setup. Del is up front pretending to rap. He is clearly only pretending to rap. Lip syncing. Yes.

Whatever. Yeah, they are clearly. Do you call that lip syncing when someone is supposed to be rapping? What is that? Pretending to rap. Pretending to rap was what I went with. I'm pretty sure the other elements of this performance were live, which made it more embarrassing that he was lip syncing. But honestly, having been to Adele the Funky Homo Sapien concert, good call, producers of David Letterman.

He is a terrible live performer. He just stands around and does— Is too high the issue? Yeah, too high like on mushrooms. Oh, okay. Not just too high on marijuana. I watched him literally just do shitty skateboard tricks for like 15 minutes once. Oh, that guy has a life, doesn't he?

His skateboard was on stage, by the way. He didn't ride it in or anything, but it was on stage. It was placed out by a roadie? With him, yeah. And then they brought in a different skateboard halfway through. It worked better. It's tuned to a different key. Yes, exactly. You don't want to waste time.

As far as being high is concerned, I will just say, Del the Funky Homo Sapien needs no help being offbeat. Del is the most loosey-goosey rapper in God's creation. And Kid Koala, to his credit, he had an absurd volume of equipment, but he appeared to be using all of it. And he was scratching live, I'm pretty sure. And, you know, he was adding something to the song.

Now, Dan the Automator is probably my personal favorite of the members of Deltron 3030. However, he was doing the most embarrassing thing, which was there was... Reading a cat fancy magazine. That is pretty embarrassing. Good one. Full on orchestra, including like a 10 member choir a string section, and horns behind these three guys. And he was conducting them with two conductor batons. And the best moment, and this is like a clattering song, you know, like a cacophonous song.

The best moment was the orchestra cuts out for this part where it's just the beat scratching and Del rapping. And the automator turns around and starts conducting Del from behind. Because he doesn't have anything to conduct behind him. It was real. That's why you bring your cat fancy on stage with you. It was a real situation. But it led me to like a little nugget of wisdom. If we have any African-American stand-up comedy performers.

Now they're African-American. They were black before. If there are any black stand-up comics in. Thank you, Jesse. What if I kept taking him down and down? Oh, now they're black all of a sudden. And then we just get into like weird grandpa racial slurs that like you don't hear anymore. Unless you have a grandpa.

Yeah. If there are any Zulu. Sure. Yeah. If there are any African-American. If there are any Oogie Loves in the audience. Oogie Loves, of course, the least successful film of all time. That sounds like a racial slur.

Okay. If it's both. I, the least successful film of all time that sounds like a racial slur. It's both of those things. It's not the most successful among films that sound like a racial slur. It is the least successful film of all time. I would say partially because the name sounds so much like a racial slur. Gosh, what the hell was I talking about?

Favorite slurs. We're just going to list them off. If they're Washington Redskins. If there are any African-American stand-up comedians out there in the audience, just a free premise for you to use. Yes. White people love concept albums. That's a good premise.

Right? It's a solid premise. I know this. I'm going to do a concept album where I'm a black comedian doing a bit about how white people love concept albums. You know who would enjoy that? Who? Whites. It's going to be layer upon layer of concepts.

Whites enjoy layers. They do enjoy layers. Nice layer cake. Seven layer dip. Sure. They do enjoy layers. A nice layer cake. Uh-huh. Seven-layer dip. Sure. That's the best. You guys should have seven-layer dip here for your guests. Nobody can layer a dip like a white.

Oh, absolutely. Gosh. That's like seven-layer dip. That's like pretend Tex-Mex though, right? I mean, it's not pretend Tex-Mex. It's Tex-Mex. So it's kind of not white. I think so.

Yeah, yeah. It's not white. Isn't Tex-Mex Mexican food prepared by white Texans? You know what? I'd like to—I'm from Austin, as you know, may not know, and I'm going to defend our Tex-Mex and our Mexicans that cook our Tex-Mex for both the whites and the Mexicans in Texas. Okay.

That's great. Enjoy your potato tacos, man. Breakfast tacos. Breakfast tacos. Breakfast tacos. Yeah, bean cheese bacon. Give it to me. Melted cheese with every meal. I also have a couple of important topics that I want to get to on the program.

And we don't have to get to them in this segment. I just want to throw them out there. No, that's good. I would like to be prepared. I've written them down here. Okay. Well, written, I mean, written as iPhone. Yeah, typed.

It's a Windows phone, but whatever. Brosininc.com. Spanish lady from preschool. Okay. I hate crows. Okay. Oh. Three topics I want to get to.

I feel like their category is on Jeopardy or something. Did you list those in order of importance? No. It's a temporal listing. Yeah, it's purely where they occurred on the timeline. Are we supposed to say which ones sound like something we can contribute on, Jesse? No, I'm going to

talk about all of them. Oh. Yeah. We're just going to politely zone out. Okay, got it. But try and make it look like we're not zoning out. Oh, yeah, that's great. Okay. We've got all of that to Oh. Yeah. We're just going to politely zone out. Okay, got it. But try and make it look like we're not zoning out. Oh, yeah, that's great. Okay. We've got all of that to look forward to. Can I throw it in two topics?

Yeah, sure. Uh-huh. I went to Halloween Horror Nights. Uh-huh. And I saw a weird billboard. Great. Okay.

Well, between all of those and the thrilling finale to the Jordan Morris Poetry Contest, this is going to be a jam-packed program. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. This is Jesse Thorne, proprietor of MaximumFun.org and host of International Waters.

International Waters pits a team of comedians in London against a team of comedians here in L.A. over several rounds of very stupid pop culture questions and games. The points don't matter. The funny does. And every once in a while you'll see a rube or a rustic tuck the tablecloth into their pants and stand up and ruin everyone's evening. That's someone who never went to a practice restaurant. So join me and the best comedians in the English-speaking

world for International Waters. Go to MaximumFun.org or look for us in the iTunes store. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love listing topics that we wanted to talk about. Michelle, do you have anything that you want to throw on the pile?

Well, anecdotal or things that I'm doing? I mean, there will be a plug section at the end. Okay, then no. I took my daughter, Tenny. She is at 13 months. I took her last month to the L.A. County Fair. Seems like a bad call. Right?

It was the best time ever. But she went on her first pony ride, and it seemed like the most dangerous thing that could have ever happened. That terrifies me. But it said one year or older, and I said, she's a year and a week, so let's throw her on this thing. I saw a pony ride at the Pumpkin Festival in Pasadena, which I attended, where, by the way, they were out of pumpkins. They were just trying to, like, we have a squash? Go to the Ralphs. We have some other gourds.

A variety of legumes. Get some orange paint and some bananas. I had to pick a fruit. It was the wrong shape. I picked it quick. It's fine. Just draw on this old deflated volleyball. Yeah.

I think anything banana is funny, so I'm there with you, Michelle. Thank you. Volleyball. Yeah. I think anything banana is funny, so I'm there with you, Michelle. Thank you. At the festival, I thought about putting my two-year-old son on a pony. It seemed like a bad call then.

You know, we're at the fair, and it says a year and older. I'm like, okay, so we're walking up the steps, and I'm explaining to her, hey, she's pointing at the pony. If you want to get on the pony, you got to go to this guy. He's going to put you on the pony. And he sees her and he says, how old is she? And I said, she's a year and a week. You say you can do a year and older. And so he grabs her.

He puts her on the pony, straps her in, and then lets her go. What kind of straps are we talking about? They're like leather, like just a belt. It's a standard pony strap? It's a standard pony strap. You know what I'm talking about. A good old 15-incher. Sure. You know?

Yeah, yeah. Six stud holes or whatever they call them. Oh, classic. Yeah, this sounds pretty by the book. Classic. Classic. Okay. Look, if I got a 15-incher and some stud holes, I'm happy.

Hey, not when talking about my daughter. Sorry. I don't know. Okay. But no, and then I felt like a bad mother, and I said, aren't you going to walk beside her? And he says, she's fine. She's not going to fall out and die. Did she?

He didn't say the die part. He didn't say the die part, but that's what I heard. So these ponies are just going in a circle, right? They're going in a circle, but the funny thing is there is a guy walking around with kids and not my baby. And she's clearly a baby bouncing around. I'm bouncing. Were there maybe like some celebrity kids on the ponies who needed like the help more? I didn't notice because I was too concerned about the fact that I just did the dumbest thing I could have ever done.

But she ended up not falling off and ended up having a great time and was like petting the horse. And first people were like, oh, my God, look at the baby on that pony. Oh, my God. And then I was scared. I was like. And then people were like, oh, my God. Thank you. Yes. Look at the baby on that pony. Oh, my God. And then I was scared. I was like. And then people were like, oh, my God. Thank you. Yes.

Look at the baby on that pony. That's my baby. People were giving you $10. Yeah, you got a great baby. Thank you for sharing that with me. It was. But it was scary. It was.

I don't think they should allow year old babies. That was my. I go to places and I check the age limits. I'm like, oh, you think you should be this tall to ride on this ride? Just add two years. Add two years, add six inches. Yeah. No, that's a good –

Two years and six inches. That's my policy for rides. That's a good rule of baby. I feel like the circular fair ponies, the circle walking fair ponies, like I bet they bum out other horses. Like I bet if other horses – they're like, fuck, man. They just bum – like I bet it's like are like, fuck, man, they just bum. Like I bet it's like a guy, like a mumbling guy pacing around in front of a bus station, like how that bums us out. Yeah.

I bet that's what a circular fair pony is too. Poor fair ponies. I know. Anyway, they just seem kind of bummed and broken and like they just walk in a circle. Jordan, can you tell me about the billboard that you saw? Sure. Just walk in a circle. Jordan, can you tell me about the billboard that you saw?

Sure. So I want to – you guys are familiar with the Silver Lake neighborhood of Los Angeles? This is sort of a – this is a neighborhood in Los Angeles that maybe 10 or 15 years ago was a hot, gentrifying neighborhood. These days it's a sort of neighborhood for affluent, hip 40-year-olds. It keeps moving east. Yeah. Everything's moving east. Now, the new Silver Lake of yore is Echo Park-y. The main, I would call the main kind of person there, a young mom with a colorful scarf and

a giant iced coffee. Sure. I hate that iced coffee smell. I know people like iced coffee, but that smell. I will correct you, by the way. Sure. I hate that iced coffee smell. I know people like iced coffee, but that smell. I will correct you, by the way. Sure. A mom with a young child, but not a young mom. There is not a mother giving birth to a child in all of Silver Lake under the age of 37.

Okay. Okay. That's fair. That's reasonable. that's reasonable um anyways so you can kind of like the the billboards in silver lake uh are of a very specific a couple of like specific genres that don't it doesn't deviate too far out of yes out of various categories there's like sub pop has a billboard there where they just like will rotate in whatever album they come they've come out with i I think like K Records has one. And then like, you know, you'll see like a Bushmills billboard, like, you know, one of the ones with Aaron Paul on them.

You'll see a lot of that. And then like occasionally you'll see a billboard for like a Spanish language morning show. Yeah, you gotta throw one of those in there. Yeah, like that's, oh, and then like American Apparel. There's always a million of like the creepiest American Apparel billboards. El Cucuy. Sure, El Cucuy, for instance. El Piolín. These are two examples. Sure. Cucuy!

A busty woman in a referee outfit. Yeah. I don't know if she has the show or if she's the... What's the relationship between her and El Cucuy? We do not know. Well, I think it's a will-they-won't-they thing. Yeah. I gotta meet this Cukui. Oh, he's great.

But the other day I saw a billboard and this is right in the middle. This is Sunset and Alvarado, which is arguably the heart of the thing. I would consider that almost Echo Park-y though. Oh, maybe. So we're getting pre-Echo Park there? We're getting pre-Echo Park on Alvarado. Oh, you know, maybe you're right. Okay. Anyways. But still, I think my- No, it's? We're getting pre-Echo Park on Alvarado. Oh, you know, maybe you're right. Okay. Anyways.

But still, I think my... No, it's still the same idea. It stands. Yeah, I'm sorry. Anyways. Michelle, thank you for disputing that point on behalf of the 3% of our listenership. How many of that meant anything? Everybody open up your Google Maps and double click a couple times.

Guys, can we talk about Masa of Echo Park? That's one of my favorite places to get pizza. Thank you. The pizza's good. Got real coal ovens there. Real coal ovens. Makes all the difference. All the difference.

And finally, Mendocino Farms. Anyways, right there in the thing, this is like above an American Apparel where you have the creepiest yeah you know terry richardson american apparel billboard yeah we don't use sweatshops and everybody's treated well but yeah look at this camel toe yeah this this person who might be under the age of 18 is naked sure not naked but you know sure nudish keep going i feel like they would be less creepy if they were nude i feel like if it was just a nude woman and it said American Apparel, I'll be like, yeah, I'm not as creeped out by that.

Anyway. Yeah, I think that I think their feints towards nudity. Yeah. The creative ways to suggest sin. Yeah. Yeah. So she should just be smoking and gambling. Yeah. And nude. Yeah. I think they should just have like, I always

see the same like gray American Apparel hooded sweatshirt, i think they should just have like i always see the same like gray american apparel hooded sweatshirt you know like just have some the guy who actually wears it on a billboard you know just the nerdy computer developer yeah just sure it's just a uh just a guy sitting in a craft beer bar looking at his iphone there you go yes come on american apparel come on guy what's his name? Bryce. No. What's American Apparel guy's name? Terry Richardson. Terry Richardson takes the pictures.

He's a photographer. Oh, Charmander. Pokemon. He's a really gross Pokemon. Charmander Pokemon. Yeah, that guy. Thank you. God damn.

Dob Charney. It's the evolved form of Charmander. Dob Charney. It's the evolved form of Charmander. Jordan, at some point you learn three too many things about Pokemon. I have this buddy who's playing Pokemon, and I just want to talk to him about Pokemon all day. Isn't there a new Pokemon out right now? There's totally a new Pokemon, which the Pokemon people love. I've never played it because it was after my time.

You know, and that's my thing. I think I'm like 10 years older than you time. You know, and that's my thing. I think I'm like 10 years. Am I 10 years older than you? It's my demo. It's my zone. But like I was just three years too late for it. That and Power Rangers. I just can't relate to people who have nostalgia for those.

I was like regular NES. Atari 7800, regular NES. That's my thing. Yeah. My brother's eight years younger than me. And I remember him liking Pokemon and Power Rangers and me thinking they were literally the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. I still – isn't the game – I saw, like, some screenshots of the new game, and it looks like – Oh, it's like a cartoon.

It's like you're playing the cartoon. Oh, it is. Okay. Maybe what I was looking at was something that was less impressive than what you're explaining. Yeah. I still – Or maybe you really love it so much you're painting a beautiful picture of it. It could be.

Yeah. It could just be – yeah. It's like you're in. Maybe you really love it so much you're painting a beautiful picture of it. It could be. Yeah, it could just be. It's like you're in there. Yeah. And I feel like I have this Pokemon friend and I also have a wrestling friend. I made him start it, didn't I? I think I might have made him start it.

What do you mean? To get you started talking about Pokemon. Oh, no. I'll stop here. I was just going to say I also have a friend who knows about wrestling and I just love talking to him about wrestling. Anyway, it's nice when you talk to someone.

No, no, no. A little insight into one of wrestling. Anyway, it's nice when you talk to someone. No, no, no, no, no. A little insight into one of those. Yeah. Anyways, Sunset and Alvarado. Yes. Above the American Apparel is a huge, huge billboard for the new Nicholas Sparks book. Which is called, I'm sorry, I had Brian Google the name for me. But, Brian, could you tell me what the name of that?

The Longest Ride. The Longest Ride. And from the man who brought you the notebook, and the picture is like a sweeping wheat vista. The man who brought you the carnation. Right. I made that up. The man who brought you the Kiss House. It's Nico Cases.

The Longest Ride. Right, yeah. Yeah, Nico. It's Nico Cases. The longest ride. Right, yeah. So I'm wondering, what's the marketing reason for putting that there? Is that just a random ad buy that they were doing and it's just wrong? I think it's a measure of tapping into guilty pleasure or something.

Right. Or maybe, I mean, I feel like there's that contrarian streak there. There's that guy who wants to tell you that the Lone Ranger was actually pretty good. Is there a guy there who's like, Nicholas Sparks is a good writer. The movie's ruined it, but he's a good writer. Like is that billboard for that guy? Yes.

Okay. Because I'd like to live in that world. Where there's just a guy who's all about Nicholas Sparks, but also collects a lot of vinyl yes yeah and no doubt a fucking bout it i want to i want to live in a world where the guy who owns the new record store the store that sells new records sure uh has a like a tabletop display at the checkout counter for the new nicholas spark novel. Just a matchup of those things. That he's been paid by Nicholas Sparks' publisher to feature.

The guy is, he's taken swigs out of a jelly jar filled with homemade sun tea. Sure. And just talking up the new Sparks. Some of Tom Clancy's less appreciated books. He's been talking up the new Sparks. He's been talking up the new Sparks, their comeback album. And he's drinking Sparks. I'm into Sparks, Sparks, and Sparks.

And there's the sports team, the LA Sparks. There you go. Yeah. Sure. Was that soccer? Arena football. They do something. Ladies basketball?

Might be ladies basketball. Yeah. Ladies basketball? Might be ladies basketball. Ladies soccer? You know, since it's above the American Apparel Billboard, and the name The Longest Ride sounds completely like it's a porn movie, perhaps maybe they should combine forces and take the half-naked American Apparel model. Stick her up there on the Sparks Billboard. The Longest Ride! Right into this gal's partially exposed Come on. Partially exposed butt.

Jordan, I'm glad you brought up the great neighborhood of Silver Lake. Sure. Because my wife and I have been looking at preschools for my young son. Oh, I'm not looking forward to this. He's presently in daycare. And in our neighborhood, there simply aren't a lot of preschools. And so we've been looking at, we've been going to these sort of information sessions for preschools. It's like when they try and sell you a timeshare.

Yeah. That's exactly what it's like. You get free luau tickets at the end though. People ask the worst – the worst people and these are the worst people in the world. Oh, so you're in a group with people. So you're in a group with other parents. Oh, I would love to be in those groups. That would be so funny.

Yes. It's like being in jury selection where people have to answer really impersonal questions in front of you. Your biggest – your number one problem if you – when you get to this point in your life will be not building your entire act around this. It sounds fantastic. building your entire act around this. Yeah, it sounds fantastic. These horrible, horrible people asking the weirdest, most specific questions about these preschools and their academic philosophies.

For their two-year-olds. I guess I'm right now, the first thing I'm hearing is a lot of, like, a lot of, what will you do to accommodate my child's various diet intolerances? So one of the schools we visited is a school that we visited because I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. We visited it because we heard they had a goat.

Sure. That's as good a reason as any. Hey, we're in. And not only there's no peanuts allowed in the entire school, no peanut peanuts allowed in the entire school. No peanut products allowed in the entire school. That's a lot of pressure because everything may contain peanuts. You know, if somebody's – if one of the kids is allergic to peanuts, what the fuck can you do? Sure. I get it.

I get it. I mean, maybe his class, no peanut products. Sure. But anyway, I can understand that. But no sugar allowed? Not just no sugar, like no sweets, but nothing that contains sugar. So no ketchup? No ketchup.

I don't know. I guess you probably shouldn't send a three-year-old to school with ketchup. No peanut butter or jelly. Huh. And guess what? No bread, because bread is made with refined sugar. Whoa. I don't know what you're supposed to give them.

Just carrots, I guess. Yeah. I'm confused as to why they think they can tell people that. Yeah. It's – I mean, they got a whole educational philosophy. You should learn about their educational philosophy. It's empathetic learning. And when does your son start?

So we applied to that school. You've got to apply to as many as you can because nobody gets into any of them. It's such a crazy thing. So anyway, but usually the people at the school who run the school, I mean, they're people who run a fucking preschool. They're nice. They've chosen to live their lives making, you know, the directors of these schools probably make $45,000 a year. And the people that work there make $25,000 a year. And they've all chosen to spend their lives taking care of other people's children. God bless them. These are generally speaking, very nice people. The parents,

on the other hand, just abhorrent people. I can't even imagine. And we went to this school in Silver Lake and there was this woman there. Are the Nicholas Sparks books part of the curriculum? Do they read illustrated Sparks books to kids? Yeah, they have abridged illustrated Sparks classics. It's like comics classics. Board books? Some Sparks board books? They do have Sparks boards.

Yeah, they do. Lil Sparks. Some Sparks board books? They do have Sparks boards. Yeah, they do. Lil Sparks? Lil Sparks. There was a woman. Instead of the notebook, it's the coloring book. Sorry, I want to hear about these crazy people. There was this woman in this class that I visited. And offhandedly, the teacher mentioned, and this is,'m sure the case in most of these preschools given the demographics of East Los Angeles, that almost all of the teachers in the school spoke Spanish and that they spoke Spanish sometimes with the kids.

And this woman raised her hand and said with a very heavy Spanish accent, which I will not attempt to replicate. I've never spent any time in Spain. But asked in a very heavy Spanish accent. First, she asked whether they speak English and Spanish together or English and Spanish discreetly. The woman who ran this school honestly honestly, was a little thick headed. She had a really hard time figuring out what the woman was asking. And she's like, well, you know, they just talk to the kids and sometimes they speak Spanish and ha ha ha ha ha.

And she says, and then the Spanish woman says, well, do they do they speak to the children idiomatically? Idiomatically, she said. And do they use these words? Like, for example, and she gave the example of a Spanish word, she said, which is not even a real word in Spanish. And the teacher, the woman who runs the school, completely lost at this point, just totally lost because essentially what this woman was asking was, are these Mexicans?

That's what she was asking. She literally said, that's not even a real word in Spanish. And you hear people around here saying it all the time. But she means Mexicans and Central Americans. Was it like tostada? What word did she say? I don't know. Fourth meal.

My Spanish is too poor to have recognized the word. But I was just stunned. And this woman was just sort of smiling broadly and asking these questions. She just wants to make sure that she can raise her child in Los Angeles. Sure. Speaking Spanish, but not dirty Spanish. Oh, my God. Very specific dialect. Yeah. You should have followed not dirty Spanish. Oh, my God. A very specific dialect.

Yeah. You should have followed her around to the rest of the schools. Oh, my God. I was like, mm, schism. I was out. I was out. I couldn't deal with it. Was the goat also racist?

This was not the one with the goat. Oh, okay. I'll tell you what happened. This one had a way too long presentation. Mm-hmm. And this adorable dog walked past the window and Teresa was there with me and she couldn't, she was just at the wrong angle to see the dog, but it was a group of maybe 10 parents in a circle. And so I couldn't figure

out how to alert Teresa to the dog. So I kind of just, hey Teresa, there's a really funny dog outside the window right now. And because of the fact that I have a cold, hey, Teresa, there's a really funny dog outside the window right now. And because of the fact that I have a cold, it just sounded to her like, and she didn't see the dog, which was terrible. Because it was a funny dog. It was this dog. Was he just a stray dog? No, he had an owner.

Okay. He was a very scruffy dog. He was a big scruffy dog, which is one of the funniest, cutest kind of dogs. And he had a hat on. He didn't, but he might as well have. I like the idea of Teresa just being not at the exact wrong angle to see a parade of adorable animals. Well, that was what was so cruel about it. So by the time when that happened, we're 35, 40 minutes into this fucking presentation.

I want to shoot myself i never want to hear another word of about educational philosophies for four-year-olds again here's my educational philosophy for a four-year-old don't sexually abuse them or put them in direct physical danger minimal pony rides Yes. Keep pony rides to a minimum. I'm on board for the level of philosophy that I require from a preschool is, do they have a thing they do when kids are hitting each other? It doesn't really even matter to me that much what the thing is, just if they've picked a thing. So I can tell everyone's on the same page. Iron Maiden.

Yeah, exactly. They make them go to an Iron Maiden concert. So 35 minutes into this thing, this dog walks past. And I try, I do everything in my power to bring this dog to my wife's attention. And it has just crushed me that I can't. Yeah.

Five more minutes, 10 more minutes goes by. This dog is just sitting there? No, well, he was sitting there for a minute right outside the window. Oh, so you're just sad about it afterwards. Of course. It was post, didn't see the dog. The dog's not like waiting for a bus or something. He left. No, but

he was there for a few minutes. And so the rest of the time, I'm thinking, here I am in this shitty room. The only thing that's brought me joy is seeing this funny dog. And I couldn't get it. I couldn't share it with my wife. 45 minutes, 50 minutes into this presentation, same fucking dog comes walking back the other direction. Oh, my God.

There's nothing I can do about it. Not a hint. Absolutely nothing. Was the dog still being funny? Oh, fuck yeah. This dog was amazing. I feel like this, I mean, I feel like in this case, you're like the audience in Gravity when they see the space junk heading for Sandra Bullock.

Yes. Yeah. And you can't, you're in space. You can't control what's happening. I saw it as sort of analogous to that video where you're supposed to watch the guys passing the basketball around, but then a gorilla walks past and you don't even notice. It sounds to me like you just made up that premise of a YouTube video.

No, it's a real video. I've never seen it. 100% real. Is it one of those ones where something scares you? The guy jumps out of the basket? You know the one where they got punched in the face? No, that one's a lot. That's not a real video.

Let's just go around and see our favorite viral videos. Okay, so that's subject number one and say our favorite viral videos. Okay. So that's subject number one. Asshole gets it in the nuts. Oh, that guy. He was such an asshole. He deserved it in the nuts. Speaking of assholes, I want to clear up one other subject here.

Uh-oh. I fucking hate crows. Yeah. Oh. Here's my reasoning behind this. Okay. Number one, they're too big. Every time they come up close to you, you notice how big they are.

Why are they up close to you? They're never up close to me. But I'm talking about relatively. Like they might- Okay. If you see them- Crow close. Yeah.

Yeah. On a crow scale. Got it. If you see them up on a lamppost, you know what I mean? Yeah. You can't tell. This is a sizable bird. Yeah. It I mean? Yeah. You can't tell. This is a sizable bird. Yeah.

It's like a rock. That's number one. It could carry away a small pet. Exactly. So that's the number one reason I don't like them. That's fair. Number two. That's totally fair.

They're intelligent and can work in groups, but they're not helpers. So they have their own fucking agenda. Sure. You see what I'm saying? So they haven't, science has proven that they're social learners. Yeah. But it is also demonstrated

they don't give a fuck about us. You know what I mean? They're just looking out for crows. You sprain your ankle, the only person around is a crow. It's not going to get the other crows together, get a rope, pull you up, which they totally could do according to science. But they're only going to do that. They choose not to.

They're only going to do that in order to catch a smaller bird or whatever it is that crows eat. I don't fucking know. Yeah. I'm sorry that you hate crows. Well, corn, I guess. Do you like crows? I had a crow as a pet for a time. That's not true.

It is true. On the way home from elementary school, I found a baby crow that had gotten hurt, and then I brought it home, and we raised the crow. This sounds like a made-up story, but we taught the crow to talk. The crow learned to talk.

What did it say? I can't remember what it said. I think it said hello. Kill humans. Kill humans. And yeah, I'm not a helper. Man must die. Yeah.

Fuck. Fuck Jesse Thorne. That's very specific. Yeah, I know. But no, we had a crow. Yeah, but all the crows around as we brought this baby crow home followed us and got very angry and hung out there for days. Wow.

They were trying to get the baby back? Yeah. So what you're saying is that you kidnapped a crow's baby. We kidnapped a crow's baby, yeah. And maybe that's why the crow is now going after all my friends and trying to ruin their day. You were essentially, just as in the 19th century, there were programs to assimilate American Indian children by having white families adopt them away from the reservation. So you were doing with crows, trying to turn a crow into a man. That is exactly what I was trying to do.

I was trying to turn a crow into a crow man. I'll give you two problems with that. Okay. Number one. Thumbs. It doesn't have them. Thank you, Jordan. Sorry.

Thank you very much. I ruined your list. Number one, it doesn't have thumbs. Oh, that's so cute. No matter how intelligent it is, it will never grow thumbs. Number two, it does not know compassion. That's true. Only man knows compassion.

But now we have, why can't we use a 3D printer? Make the crow a thumb. Oh, okay. And then, you know, maybe 50 years from now, we'll be able to make compassion. But now we have, why can't we use a 3D printer? Make the crow a thumb. Oh, okay. And then, you know, maybe 50 years from now, we'll be able to make compassion. Well, yeah, maybe, I mean, there's gotta be a compassion chip that you could probably make with a 3D printer. Uh-huh, I think so. So you capture the crow. You capture the crow.

Saw off the top of its head. Implant the compassion chip. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Rewind back. Yeah, saw off its head. Saw off its head. Like a cute little saw. Oh. Or like one of those little knives you use to carve a pumpkin. How the hell are you going to capture a crow?

They're too wily. That's true. They work in groups. They have social intelligence. Just get the other crows to betray it. I think that maybe I can capture a crow, obviously. I did it once. I can do it again.

Are you offering your service? Yeah, a crow capture are you offering your service? yeah a crow capture what's your price? it's like that what's that Raven movie with Matthew Broderick from the 80s I don't know

with the crow the crow no what was it called? it's a martial arts movie the falconer falcon something Brandon Lee falcon

Jason Lee nobody? Gray Stoke no that's a Tarzan movie Jason Lee's The Crow. That would be great. Oh, I wish I remembered. Stop being bad guys.

I'm yelling at you. Oh, you're talking about... I hate that movie. The Crow with Brandon Lee? That was the dumbest movie I've ever seen in my life. I'm a professional skateboarder, Jason Lee.

I put some makeup on and I go out and... Oh, you're talking about we mixed up the leads. Is that a joke? Sorry. What's sticking in your craw about the Brandon Lee Crow movie? I'm so far removed from that movie, but I remember being very angry about we mixed up the leads. Is that the joke? Sorry. What's sticking in your craw about the Brandon Lee Crow movie?

I'm so far removed from that movie, but I remember being very angry about how much I hated it. I thought it was just silly. Yeah. That was, I think, during the wave of, like, 90s goth movies. Yes. Including The Craft and No Others. I've never even heard of No Others. No Others.

Those were the only two goth movies I could think of from the mid-90s. So I said No Others. No Others is a good name for a goth movie, though, to be fair. I was like, No Others? It's on Netflix? There's no way you're catching a crow, Michelle. Fear is kind of a goth movie. No matter how much I pay you, you're not going to catch a crow.

No, I was a dumb luck, a naive child. It was like the Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe. Those kids aren't going to find Narnia when they're older. You've got to be a kid. You have to have the wide-eyed innocence. Then you can catch a crow. You can't be jerking off all day. A child is pure of heart.

I bet my daughter can catch a crow for you. She could catch it, and she could kill it. The only way to kill a crow is if you're pure of heart. Oh, really? I guess the catch-22 is that once you kill it, you cease becoming pure of heart. So then if you're not pure of heart— You can only capture one crow in your lifetime. Oh.

So that's why it's our responsibility to be fruitful and multiply, because each child kills one crow. It's a manifest destiny thing. We're losing, though. We're losing this battle. Yeah. I mean, the other option, again, is to adopt the crows into white families along the eastern seaboard. Why white families? I don't understand why we're white families.

We have to teach them American Christian values. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. Is it part of the apocalypse that all the crazy right-wingers are? Yeah, once Israel becomes its own state, the crows will take over. Sure. Everybody with pure of heart children, please go out and kill your crow. Everybody kill your crow.

And then once a blue cow stands astride the Holy Land. Yeah, that all makes sense. We are in business. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go. It's Jordan and Jessie Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michelle Balloon, the third person in the room.

Look, let's say you're out there. For instance. And you're looking for a set of eyewear. Okay. It might be because you need corrective lenses. It might be because you prefer a tinted lens just to alter your outlook on the world. Maybe you need a second pair of glasses. Maybe you need a first pair of glasses.

Maybe you need a fourth pair of glasses. Well, I've got great news. This week's episode brought to you in part by our friends at Warby Parker. That's amazing. Oh, you're telling me. You're telling me. Apparently, I need all those glasses. I'm in the market for some glasses.

And here's a service that provides them. Yeah, well, I've got great news. Warby Parker glasses, they start at $95. You can try on their glasses absolutely for free, so you can get up to five pairs and then return whichever ones you don't like. And for every pair of glasses that you buy from Warby Parker, they buy a pair for someone in need. That's terrific. That is super terrific. You're telling me.

I'd just go ahead and use that service. I say just go ahead and do that, Jordan. Yeah. Go to warbyparker.com, order your prescription glasses, sunglasses, or reading glasses, enter code JJGO, and you'll get new glasses within three business days. Whoa.

That's very fast. That is very fast. warbyparker.com and enter JJ Go. Nothing up on the Jumbotron this week. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor upcoming episodes of this or any Maximum Fun podcast, drop an email to Jennifer at MaximumFun.org. podcast, drop an email to Jennifer at MaximumFun.org. My beautiful wife, Teresa, going on maternity leave because the baby's on the way.

Wow. Right now it lives inside her tummy, but not for long, my friends. Thank God. Soon it'll be deader than a doornail. What? It's a horrible thing to say. That was a horrible thing to say. It's a horrible thing to say.

The one way or the other, she's not going to be pregnant anymore. Right now it lives inside her tummy and pretty soon it's going to be living inside her house. Yes. You got room? Technically her tummy's inside her house. But it'll be living outside her tummy in her house. Well, not really, but you know, what are you going to do? Pretty soon they're going to have bunk beds and that'll be great. That's a lot of fun. That'll be cute.

Yeah, so email Jennifer at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michelle Balloon, super glad to be here. Hey, guys, for your Balloon, super glad to be here. Hey, guys.

For your edification, Michelle. Yes. Last week on the program, we announced the Jordan Jesse Go Poetry Contest. We asked people to write poems about my co-host, Jordan Morris. Oh. You've met him. Yes, I have met him. A number of times.

Sure. Odes to Jordan Morris. The only thing we didn't want was jokeykey dumb poems. Oh, like a real poem. I wanted real poetry. Nothing that could be interpreted as a slam. Yeah. Got it. I didn't want...

Although you can do slam style poetry. Yes. That's really fresh. And we had a professional slam style poet at one point say that she was submitting something. I don't know if she was one of the finalists, but a professional slam poet did submit a poem. It's difficult if you're a slam poet to submit something because that's something you kind of need to hear. You've got to put that performance or put it on tape. You've got to show up.

Good news. Professional voice actor Jesse Thorne is going to be performing these four finalist poems for you. However, I've got even better news. News, on the line from the San Francisco Bay Area is the only past Jordan Jesse Go guest who's also a professional poet, our good friend Bucky Sinister. Hi, Bucky. How are you? Hey, Bucky. I'm great.

Hey, glad to be here. Now, we should clarify, there's no such thing as a full-time professional poet. But Bucky has been paid for poetry. Not even the Poet Laureate? Yeah, I'm an editor by day. There's a few people who maybe get a genius grant or

a Nobel Prize or something like that. I guess you could make a living, but it's not really a job. Sorry out there, poets. You're not doing nothing. Here's the good news. We've got these finalists, and one of them is going to go home with a Jordan Jesse Go MaximumFun.org prize pack featuring Jordan Jesse Go Maximum Fun water bottle. God.

Tumblr rocks glasses so they can drink their troubles away in classic poet fashion. Other shit we have in the closet. Yeah, that fits in the bag. Yeah. Whatever fits in a... Things that are smaller than a bag. Yeah. Whatever fits in a priority male flat rate box and we can find lying around is what one of these people is going to get. And I think Bucky is going to be the final determiner.

Are you ready for that kind of responsibility, Bucky? I am. And, you know, while I do think we have some strong finalists here, I want to express a little bit of dismay with the entries overall. Some of these listeners really hacked it up.

Whoa! Some shit-talking! Coming out swinging! Yeah! I mean, this isn't like a dumb guy podcast. You guys can do better. Well, I guess you were wrong. Well, you know, it's not like, you know, whatever. Look, if he came from walking the room, I would be fine with that.

Whatever. Oh! Whoa! Did he just enter the slam zone? Man, uh-oh. Someone just got put on blast. But, yeah, the thing is, like, you could tell by some of the half-assery that was going on that these people were actually smarter than the poems they were writing.

Wow. And I just say, like, you guys who didn't become finalists, you need to pick the game up. If we do this again next year, I want you guys to really try. Not just write something at work. Man. Not only three of these people are not coming in first, they also need to shape up and get better.

Oh, yeah. Just the entries overall. Like, some of you are just like, you know, like going straight for the Scott joke. Like, that's not what we're here for. Hang it up. Jump up my butt. Thank you. As Jordan's legendary queen.

Okay, so here's our first poem. It's from adequatesubstituteforaction.tumblr.com. Got it. It's called The Fast and the Jordan. He sits at home staring, thinking about the time they met, how he looked, how he walked. Those days were long gone. Tyrese sat back in his chair and smiled. Jordan, damn, you look good.

He whispered. That's like a little ode to the time that Tyrese recognized Jordan. Yeah. Tyrese recognized you? Yeah, Tyrese recognized me and said, hey, my man, looking good. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah, and one of the things I think is a strength of this is that it shows the depth of the knowledge of the podcast and the past tales of Jordan's victories.

Although I would ask you this as a poet yourself, Bucky. Do you think that the fact that he fucked up the thing that Tyrese said to Jordan is a problem? Yeah, you know, it would have been like a little bit of an extra mile if he had

gone back and found out the exact quote. It would have been nice. He didn't use quotes in the piece. He didn't use quotes. Oh, that is true. He wasn't sure. You need to get this right. Yeah, you need to get this right.

So, yeah, it could have been there's room for improvement here, but I did like it overall, and the thing is, it's very worthy to be a finalist here, and I did like the brevity of it as well. Here's one from Kids As You Know. And by the way, we literally got dozens and dozens of entries. Between 45 entries, says Brian, between the Facebook and the Tumblr, I mean, there were some really impressive. So this one is from Kids As You Know. It's called Radio Sweetheart.

Jordan, your voice has been with me most nights since I first heard it. Is that strange? Is it strange to tell you that the night the boy I loved first slept next to me, I lay awake, his heavy arms around me, knowing I couldn't sleep without you. I reached across him for the phone where you lived and pulled you close, letting you lull me to sleep. You and Jesse, of course, and a guest. Is it strange that you hung on the wall behind me, such that every time I Skype with a grandma or a brother, they ask, who's that man? And I hate to explain what you are to me, Jordan. It's strange, isn't it, that I know you share the

cringe of that word podcast, podcaster, the tinny taste of tech in your mouth, the polite blankness in the eyes of the outsiders, the unconverted. What a heartless word for you, Jordan. You who have shared so much with me. I know you, Jordan, better than I know the classmates in cardigans who sip coffee beside me every morning. I know I don't know you, though. I know you don't know me, except for the one time, do you remember, in the hotel lobby, confidence bolstered by the cut of my blue dress, I asked for a photo. For Facebook, I said. But what caption, what tags could express what it meant to me for you to hear my voice? I know you too well, Jordan. For you not to know me. You have been my companion on

every commute, every cold walk home from every disappointing party, have filled my empty apartment and soothed my anxious mind. I imagine I can sense a sadness in you, a heaviness you're trying to stave off. But I know I'm being stupid. All of this is terribly stupid, Jordan. This version of you I've made out of anecdotes and headshots isn't you. And I know it's strange. It's horribly, incurably strange to say any of this at all. Here's what I like about that one.

A tear rolls down my cheek. Here's what I like about that one. It displays empathy. And there's also a kind of what seems like a really subtle invitation to an MMF three-way. Sure. I guess I'm assuming MMF three-way. Sure. I guess I'm assuming MMF. Could be MMM. That's a three-way with two ultimate fighters. Yes, exactly.

That's a three-way in an octagon. Gotcha. And we're all wearing very tacky t-shirts. Yeah, I like it. I like it, too. I like it. I think it was lots of alliteration. Sure. Yeah, there were some nice use of devices. I liked the fact that it addressed the idea that she was in love with a construction of you that she had created in her mind based on these snippets of information that she had, which in part was the impetus for this contest, understanding the relationship between the man and the construction in listeners' minds. Sure.

What did you think, Bucky? Oh, I really liked how there was a lot of the author in this piece. A lot of the entries, they were kind of more about Jordan, and we really didn't know anything about the person writing it. And now we can see a lot of herself in it. Also, a certain vulnerability as well. um herself and also uh a certain vulnerability as well but you know she exposes her own emotions here um you know rather than like just you know just talking about i think a lot of the entries that we didn't pick are uh you know would just be about jordan's hair or or something and it was

just like or shorts uh you know like they were just like, ah, here's, you know, five buzzwords. This one actually went and said, like, here's how I feel about Jordan. And just put herself out there. So kudos for that. This one. Good points. All good points, I think. This one is from Elevators.

It's called Someday Zune. And I like, I think that this one has a sort of a hip-hop beat. Can I just R-E-Zune real quick? I said my Zune for your benefit, Michelle. My Zune was stolen out of my car. Oh, my gosh. I got an iPod. Two weeks.

It broke. I went back to the Apple store. They gave me a new one. It was broken in the box. You've got like a lot. Fuck Apple. Why do people like Apple so much? And everyone at the Genius Bar was mean to me.

And when I was talking to a guy, he went in the back, changed into his street clothes, and left the store. Sorry. Fucking Zunes rule. I didn't know people even had Zunes anymore. Yeah, I had a Zune. The marketplace was shut down. It did not sell music anymore. That's how I ended up with my Windows phone.

My dumb iPhone broke after 13 months. Anyway. I didn't drop it or anything. Just stopped working. Started shutting itself down automatically. And then I went to the Genius Bar. They were mean to me. Offered me a chance for a $50 off refurb iPhone.

I was like, I'll just take this thing I got for free for being a social media influencer. I'm not discounting your problems, but I'm not a crazy person, but I have all Apple products. And I've had nice experiences. They gave me- That's good. A lot of people do. A lot of- A super shuttle ran over my iPhone, which is clearly my fault.

And they gave me a new one because the guy was like, ah, we get to do this every once in a while. Here's your new one. I think all of my interactions with iPhones are colored by this one time when I was doing a show at the Apple Store in New York. That sounds awful. With Stephen Colbert. Oh, that sounds awful. And Stephen Colbert and

I were sitting in a room. Yeah, those cancel each other out. It's a neutral experience. Now I'm kind of in the gray area. We were sitting in a very tiny office that was serving as the green room, facing each other directly. And I was like, oh man, this is my chance to talk to Stephen Colbert just as a normal person. Stephen Colbert is great. And this woman from Apple walked in, stood between the two of us with her back to me, like maybe a foot in front of me, and just asked Stephen Colbert if he wanted any free Apple stuff.

And then looked at me scornfully and left. Like anything? Like he could have been like, yeah, I want that 50-inch iMac. He was very kind. Stephen Colbert was very polite. He was like, oh, I want that 50-inch iMac. He was very kind. Stephen Colbert was very kind. He was like, oh, thank you for the iPads you gave me or whatever. iPads.

Yeah. Okay. You should have asked one of the geniuses. Here's some day soon. I want a little wiener with some facial piercings. I think Apple makes good products. My wife has had very good experiences with them. Yeah, I feel like our anti-Apple

rant on a podcast is like a pro-gay marriage rant at a comedy club in the South. Yeah, we're but, you know, sincerely I sincerely think Apple makes good products. Can you hire the geniuses for kids' birthday parties?

To just come and roll their eyes at your kids? All they do is just spin a pinwheel. Hey! Hey! Okay, here we go. Loading. Someday soon. Heat up the booth, show them all who the best is,

def quips about Netflix before we know who the guest is, and a topical reference. I'm proud that I get this. A legion of fans, Max Funby the guest is, and a topical reference. I'm proud that I get this. A legion of fans. Max Funby, the set kid. A puff of curly hair like that medical smoke off the top of his head, like an incredible joke.

In the podcasting world, there's none better than Jordan. Oh, shit, my phone screen turned off. My iPhones. One time described a porno and scared girls on the forums. Someday soon, Jordan's going to blow up. Someday soon, they'll pick another show up. Showbiz anecdotes. Jordan, get your dough up.

To yourself, stay true. Don't force yourself to grow up. Champion jokes about life and pop culture. Gave up on the pipe smoke when it gave him an ulcer. He's the best man with a deadpan. Jesse Thorne's right hand. Throw a battery of yes ands. Wow.

Wow. Yay. Someday soon, I get it. Yeah. I thought it was good. That was good, but thanks to your fantastic voice actor. Yeah, very nice. I didn't know you could spit, Jesse. Well, you know, I think that in this case, the fact that I can barely talk really lent a certain credibility to her.

Yeah, a little MCA. Yeah, absolutely. I think this would make good walk-up music for you. Oh, yeah. You know, if you're entering a ring, come to the bat. Sure, the octagon. Maybe it's entering a party. It's like you're a loser self.

Yeah. I like how he's also predicting that I'm going to get some sort of marijuana-based ulcer. Oh, I thought that actually happened. I don't think it did. I thought he was saying that you had to quit pot smoking because you had an ulcer. I think he meant, I think he assumed that you had quit smoking pipe pipe. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah.

I just did that because I realized it didn't get me high. What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? Bucky, I know that you've performed poetry and you've certainly hosted more than your fair share of performance poetry events in San Francisco over many years. Oh, yes. I won't ask you to grade my performance because it was obviously an A. I thought it brought a lot to just the page. I didn't really quite get

the rhythm of it from just reading it. So I do think he did a good performance, though, because I was like, oh, that's precisely what this guy was doing when he wrote it. It was meant to be rapped, not just read. I agree. I was meant to be wrapped, not just read. Yeah, I agree.

I was impressed. Here's our last contestant, our last finalist. This is Todd, Todd Swanson. It's called More is the Man. That sounds like a made-up name. More is the man who for any fan will drink limeridas, drink trash in a can. More is the man, a Californian with the finest of dick jokes readily at hand. More is the man who deserves a hand for making cat ownership cool again.

And more is the man for whom sugar is banned. Would some you young punk undertake such a plan? More is the man whose self-deprecate hand is misunderstood by the Max Fun Clan. More is the man you must understand that over ten years, one's persona expands. More is the man. Ah, yes. More is the man. Ah, yes. More is the man. Morris Jordan.

Yeah, well, I mean, I think we had three, four really different styles. They're very different. That was a good selection of finalists. You know, I want to mention one more thing, which is I had said no. I specifically barred limericks. Bordering. I forgot to bar. Even though my dick is so long, I can suck it. I forgot to bar haiku.

And one accidentally slipped into the finalists here. How does a haiku accidentally slip in? It's the most obvious. Well, they're so tiny. It's easy for them to... It was a mistake by our producer, Sonny D. Look, he's only human. Oh, Sonny D.

He's only human, but it's called a Jordan haiku. And it was called haiku and it slipped in? Here we go. Okay. Whatever is it? in. Here we go. Okay. Whatever is it, Jordan's true favorite word? I think it is butts. Oh, yeah. That one wins.

Butts. That's great. That was a – I have to admit, I had complained and threatened and cajoled no jokey bullshit poems, but I'm glad that one made the finals. Yeah, that's, you know. However, I can't send that man a prize. Sure. No, that was by accident. That was so delightful.

Butts is a funny word. Oh, I agree. Our finalists to recap, The Fast and the Jordan. Got it. Which was about Tyrese. Radio Sweetheart, which was a lovely piece about a woman's relationship with Jordan's voice in the imagined Jordan and real Jordan, Someday Zune, the hip-hop styled piece, and More is the Man, which may literally have been in an ode.

Yes. Bucky, what do you think? What are your initial feelings? Well, definitely my two favorites are the first of the Fast and the Jordan and Radio Sweetheart. And I think they stand out from both of the others. If I had to write one, I would probably write one more like Fast and the Jordan, just because I like kind of the shorter, kind of pithy bits. Just because I like kind of the shorter, kind of pithy bits. Are you asking me to make my pick, though, right now?

Is that what we're doing? You can talk it out a little bit. We're talking it out a little bit. Is the Fast and the Jordan the first one? Yes. Okay. Yeah, it was the one about Ted Reese. One of the things that I liked about Radio Sweetheart was how well it synthesized the subject matter and a sincere personal viewpoint into what I thought was a very touching tribute. It was sweet. I thought it was very sweet.

I really do like that one, too, because like I said, I think it was the only one of all the entries that really gave us a sense of who the author was. Yeah. And I think that's important. I think there's a lot of poetics that have no narrator, that have no sense of the self or the I, and I don't like those poems as much. I want to hear someone's point of view, and I want to hear who they are. I want to know more about the person after reading the poem than before. Well, Bucky, it's all down to you, sir. We're talking about pocket vibrators.

Mm-hmm. Okay. We're talking about personal lubricant. We're possibly talking about a coaster set. Oh, that sends it over the edge. A few stray cough drops. Some shredded documents. One of my business cards.

Sure, yeah. One of Michelle Balloon's promotional business cards. Perhaps a book that a publisher sent us that we don't want. A galley proof. Yeah. It's like Oprah's favorite things, right? Exactly. Yeah, comparable.

Bucky, who's your pick? Is it The Fast and the Jordan by Adequate Substitute for Action, or is it Radio Sweetheart by Kids As You Know? Well, I think I'm going to have to go with Radio Sweetheart. Yes. Yay! Fan favorite. Yeah, yeah.

And it's also, there's also some other things that look like there was a lot more effort put into that than a lot of the others. Yeah. And also it just hit more colors on the old emotional palette. And it was the most sexual. I like that about it. The other ones weren't really erotic at all. I guess the butts one kind of was. I could jerk it to that.

And I mean, most stuff with Tyrese is at least a little bit erotic. No, you know what? That's true, yeah. The mention of Tyrese has a certain eros. Well, Bucky, thank you so much for helping us pick a winner in the Jordan Morris Poetry Contest. Oh, thanks for having me. Do you have any exciting stuff coming up? You are both a performance poet, a poet on the page, and I know that I'm listing three things here, a stand-up comic.

Yes. You have any big shows coming up in San Francisco? I just have my regular weekly show at the Dark Room every Wednesday at 8 p.m. It's called The Business. And it's me, Kate and Gil, Sean Keenan, Nato Green. And they're all fantastic. And then we also have various other guests around.

I have done the show. It is tons of fun. Yeah, real fun show. Go see it at the Dark Room on Mission Street. Fun thing to do. Do it! With yourself. And Bucky, what's your most recent book of poetry so people can go buy it? The most recent book

is called Time Bomb Snooze Alarm. And it's out on Right Bloody Press. And it's available in the old school paper format. And also I think there's also an e-book of it. But yeah, you should go look for it. Ask for it by name.

Yeah. Rather than like description, I need this book with a lot of paper in it. Yes, what's the title of the book? You know, that book with all the stuff and the words. I'll write the new Nicholas Sparks. Bucky, always fun to get a chance to talk to you. If you are our winner, please email Jennifer at MaximumFun.org

and let her know that you won the contest and prove it somehow or something. As I'm quickly typing to Jennifer saying I won the contest. And give her your address and we'll set you up. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. Go. My name is Graham Clark. My name is Dave Shumka. I'm the other guy who hosts Stop Podcasting Yourself.

And I'm the other guy that hosts Stop Podcasting Yourself. We are from Canada, so we don't know many of your ways. But what we do know is quality podcasting. And whale are from Canada, so we don't know many of your ways, but what we do know is quality podcasting and whale blubber. Yeah. There's 50 different words for podcast in our language. We would say all 50 of them, but why don't you just listen to our show and you'll get

the gist of what we're about. We bring a guest on, we talk about their lives, we talk about our lives, we talk about things they've overheard. It's a great time. And you know what? You're not going to regret it. Stop podcasting yourself. Available from MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. Brr.

That's what we say in Canada when we're cold. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Really? Yeah, I'm America's detective. Wow. That's Columbo. Columbo's dead. I'm the new America's detective. In the way that Rudolph Giuliani is America's mayor? Exactly. We all get together once a year. Me and Giuliani. And the Dallas Cowboys. And the Dallas Cowboys.

America's team. And then a fourth and a fifth person. There are a lot of lesser America. I mean, there's like America's Forest Ranger. Sure. His name's Frank. Works out at Yellowstone. America's Chicken Sandwich, the BK Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

Oh, yeah. That doesn't have much to say, the chicken sandwich. It's like the Puerto Rico of our voting block. He's just like, I cost a dollar. Yeah. He doesn't get a vote. But anyhow, that's who we are. Anywho. I hate to tell you

guys, but we're going to have to table a couple of these subjects. No, no. I thought we hit all of them. We hit the crow. We hit the thing. I still have a URL that I want to explore. Oh. But it has a backstory. I can't. Sure. No, well, let's put it on the back burner. I can't get that to you. I'm just happy

that I had this opportunity not only to share this fellowship together, but also to celebrate my friend Jordan and all of the magic that he brings to the world through his special gifts. Thank you. His

gifts ranging from his sense of humor, his empathy yes his ability to entertain to his penis which is larger than you so long that i could judging by my foot size yes sure um so long you can suck it yourself that would have have been a reference to a thing that our audience has already heard, rather than something they'll hear in the future when we finally put out our live episode from L.A. Podfest, which is where you

described your penis in that manner. Okay. Well, they can go back. Look, when you hear... It's like Breaking Bad. We're setting up stuff that we're going to do later. Whenever it is that we have to cancel an episode because my wife has had a baby and we run that, which is going to be imminent, then you'll hear that. And you'll be like, oh, that's what Jesse was referring to before, not just about his friend's dick. I mean, I would talk about Jordan's dick.

Of course. We're all adults. We already talked about American Apparel. And that Nicholas Sparks porn. Ooh, Michelle. We've all adults. We already talked about American Apparel. And that Nicholas Sparks porn. Look, Michelle, we've all got dicks here. Yeah, we do all have dicks here. I mean, except for me. Yeah, we all have dicks. We don't all have a sophisticated understanding of human anatomy. Guys, it's been so fun to chat with you. Michelle, of course, is the host of the Balloon Forest Project.

Yes, yes. It's a current events podcast. Me and my friend Mary Forrest, we talk about ourselves for a bit. Then we talk about politics for a longer bit. And then we talk about pop culture type things for a bit. It's a fun trio of topics. It's a fun trio of topics. We're both very funny.

It's a tight 45. It's a tight 45. 45 and change. Not fun trio of topics. We're both very funny. It's a tight 45. It's a tight 45. 45 and change. Not a big heaping hour and 20 mess like this. Oof. Oh, my old podcast got. This is not a fucking ordeal. It's, you know. Like this thing is.

People want that. People want more. People who send emails to people want that. Yeah. That's a thing. We've built an incredible audience of people who send emails to people. Emailers. Yeah. That's a thing. We've built an incredible audience of people who send emails to people. Emailers. Yeah.

The emailer community is right behind us in our 80-minute podcast. We're doing the 45. And, of course, you can catch Michelle doing her stand-up comedy all across America. Yeah. Check out my website, balloon.com. And you can also purchase my record album. Balloon is spelled B-I. Yes, B-I-L-O-O-N. One L, two O's.

By Loon. And I have a CD out on AST Records called You Can Be an Asshole. Run by our good friend Matt Belknap. So please pick that up on iTunes or from their website if you want the awesome cover art that comes along with it. They only release good stuff. It's always worth

your $9 or whatever it costs. I'm happy to be part of their posse. Don't be a dope and not buy their product. You know that that's America's record label. They've got a seat at the table. Yeah. It is. Epic was competing for that.

No, no. Matt and Ryan. Sony was in there. Uh-uh. Sony was in there. Uh-uh. And I want to mention. Please.

Bullseye has a live show on Friday night, October 25th. That's my birthday. Sorry. You have to say it if it's your birthday and someone says it's my birthday. You do. Congratulations. Thank you. Here in Southern California, we've got Bill Hader on the show. We've got the beautiful and hilarious June Diane Raphael on the show.

We've got the amazing band from Odd Future the internet we have stand up comedy from the great Jasper Red beloved past guest on this program we did Premium Blend together it's going to be a jam packed program

and it is sold out however, here's the good news anyone in the entire world And it is sold out. However, here's the good news. Anyone in the entire world can go to kpcc.org. Excuse me. He's working hard for you. Can go to kpcc.org and watch it live. That's fantastic.

Sounds like a lot of fun. 8 p.m. Pacific time on October 25th, Friday. So, you know, you're at home with the kids, eat some entertainment to share with them. You're waiting for Grimm to come on. Grimm in Wonderland. Sure. Aren't they always in some sort of land? Friday nights are

your classic friendless appealing television program nights. Yeah. You got your jag. Sure. The new TGIF. Your ex-files.

Do they have a new TGIF? It's grim, jag. Oh, okay. Sure. Okay. Werewolves are the new Urkel. Yeah. That's all I got left in my throat, guys. Yeah, let's be done. Okay. Werewolves are the new Urkel. Yeah. That's all I got left in my throat, guys.

Yeah, let's be done. Okay. Jordan, congratulations to you. Thanks. I wish you many happy returns. Yeah. There's no reason you should stop. Am I off the podcast?

Yeah, what is this? Is that a... I'm getting my gold watch here. I'm bringing in Forrest. No, it's a good call. You can't have Forrest. Forrest is mine. Oh No, it's a good call. You can't have forest. Forest is mine. Oh, I've already had forest. Hello.

You mean you've jacked off in a forest, like you've gone into the woods? It's actually a different forest. I mean that I've stuck my dick into a tree. Okay. What I'm trying to say, Dora, is that all of you out there, we really appreciate any creative work that you do around here. Do you know that he has cancer?

Jordan? Yeah. You have cancer, Jordan? I'm saying, do you know? No, I don't know if you— Yeah. I'm first—maybe I'm starting to think maybe I do. It sounds like you're giving him an early eulogy is what I'm saying.

No, what I'm trying to say is that we always appreciate whatever creative work people create around our show. Sure. The only exception being very unflattering caricatures. And you should post it. Tag it JJ Go on your Tumblr. It's a lot of fun. Post it on our Facebook page. Still waiting for those anime characters of us.

Tag it, JJGo. That's how we're going to get those Night Vale numbers. Yeah, we got to get their Night Vale numbers. Anime versions of us. I want to be powering up. I want to be like charging up a fireball. Jesse, what do you want to be doing? He wants to be not having a cold.

I'm going to go die. Okay. Michelle, what do you want to be doing in the anime version? In the anime version? Yeah. Is this like one of those porn animes? Oh, uh... A hentai?

Yeah, no. No hentai. This has to be like, we're like battling ninjas or something. I want like some old lady in a magical flying ship to be making me some hot soup to eat. Great. You're getting soup from a ship lady. I'm charging up a fireball. And a flying ship lady.

And Jesse is just not having a cold Yeah I'm just feeling healthy Can I fly the ship and make the soup? Yeah that's Okay I don't have to be an old lady though right? Maybe you appear to everyone else as an old lady But really you're just Jesse

It's like me but with a more asymmetrical comic style haircut Bigger eyes And slightly skinnier. Yeah. That's what I'm looking for. Oh, I want to be Totoro. Oh, shit. Dibs on Totoro.

I want to be those kids that are dying from cancer in Grave of the Fire. Oh, my God. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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