Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 297: Live at the LA Podcasting Festival

Episode Date: October 28, 2013

Chris Fairbanks and Karen Kilgariff join Jordan and Jesse for a live episode taped at the LA Podcasting Festival.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take coffee, shoes and sex and run you. You were the girl that changed my world. Hi everyone! Hey gang! You're just a few. Hi Daily Motion! Here's to you.

Hopefully, we're not buffering too much. Do you like how pumping that music they were playing before the show started? Yeah, we have our own intro music. Every live show, we start with You Dropped the Bomb on Me by The Gap Band. Sure. music. Every live show we start with You Dropped the Bomb on Me by the Gap Band. Sure. But this lovely hotel conference

room was nice enough to play some equally enthralling pump-up music. What did we have? We had Goo Goo Dolls. We had Gin Blossoms. So if this crowd seems a little rowdy, it's because they've been getting juiced

to the soft rock of the early 90s Can I tell you what? I am actually pretty excited to be here I will tell you why I've been excited since yesterday My wife and I went to the movies And we went to see Don John Which I enjoyed very much

But that's not what I'm excited about What I'm excited about is You know how sometimes there's a digital marquee at the movies and it's not quite long enough for the full title of the movie? Sure. Anyway, we got to the theater and I was just about to pay for Don John and I briefly considered asking for tickets to see Lee Daniels' The Butt. I have been riding that high

for 36 hours I mean you know it really Lee Daniels the butt it really shows how far we've come in America when it comes to butt relations and Forrest Whitaker is

always good in the titular role of the butt. They had to call it Lee Daniels the butt so it wouldn't be confused with da butt the mid-80s go-go hit. Anyway, that's a magical thing that happened to me lately. So, yeah, I mean, I actually had a little magical moment. On Friday night, I came to the podcast festival and just saw some shows, hung out. And it's a very particular crowd at a podcast festival. It's a unique little ecosystem all its own. If I could describe it, think athletic, outdoorsy.

Oh, no, you're thinking of REI Company Retreat. Oh, right, sorry. Podcast festival. Wait, no, I got it this time. It's like older, powerful men. They light an effigy of an owl. You're thinking of gay bears? I think.

I was pretty sure up until owl effigy. Oh, gay bear wizards. Podcast enthusiasts. Podcast enthusiasts. I had kind of a magical moment where I saw two guys in Utila kilts. One was our buddy Eric, and then there was another guy in a Utila kilt, but they were not sitting together. Do you think that should be a rule that they should have to sit together?

I don't know. At the back of the bus? Yes, I'm just saying that I just don't want my daughter marrying one. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry if that upsets Lee Daniels and his butt. But, yeah, I thought that was really interesting how there are two Utila Kilt enthusiasts who maybe aren't that into each other. I'm looking at you, Eric, now.

Do you know the other Utila Kilt guy? Bill. Okay. Well, it's Bill. Yes, now. Do you know the other Utila Kilt guy? Bill. Bill. Okay. Well, it's Bill. He does know. Are you guys on the outs? Oh, okay. Oh, they're sharing a room together.

So you just thought you were taking a little break from each other during that one particular show? Do the two of you share kilts like sisters? No. Okay. I have one more thing that happened to me literally as I was walking in here, which is so my regular Jordan Jesse Go listeners will know that I had a pig come to live at my house named Atticus. It was my wife's cousin's pig and a very sweet pig indeed, although its howls were like a dying human. And so it worried the neighbors.

But it was a nice pig. And my son, who's two years old, got really into this pig whose name was Atticus. So shortly after the pig came to visit, you and I went on a trip to Edinburgh to play at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. And while we were there— And to soothe your son to sleep, you had to call him every day and howl into the phone. And to soothe your son to sleep, you had to call him every day and howl into the phone. He can't sleep unless there are death howls going on. And while I was in London, I bought a stuffed pig, you know, a stuffed animal pig, like a plush pig.

Not a taxidermied pig. I bought a taxidermied wild boar. Hung it over the crib. I bought a taxidermied wild boar. Hung it over the crib. I bought a plush pig for my son that I brought home to him, and he decided it was named Atticus, like the real pig that had stayed at our house, which was really lovely. And my mom, I sent – Also what he named the pork chops. Yes.

I sent my mom a picture of Atticus and my son Simon, you know, cuddling, snuggling, just as you do. If any of you have children, you send your parents pictures of your child doing something cute. So this is the email exchange. I sent the email with no, no, just the picture. And in the headline it said, or the subject line, it said Atticus and Simon. That'd be funny if you sent the picture and you just sent the caption, you up? Sorry, these were two different texts. So my mom texted me back, OMG, when did Atticus get adopted? Tapir?

Question mark? All capital letters? OMG. So my mom's excited that she thinks it's a tapir, Which is, by the way, a pig-like South American animal. I think people pronounce it, taper. Taper? Yeah. Okay, fine.

Look, you should bring that up with my mom. She's the one who wrote that. Yeah, I get that. Okay, so I emailed her back. He's just a piggy. I brought him home from London. Right? You know, I'm just trying to de-escalate. It's something that I learned as a resident

advisor. When you're dealing with a drunk student, you're supposed to de-escalate the situation. My mom's basically a drunk 19-year-old. You think she might become suicidal? Yeah. She might start hurting herself. She sent me back an email that says, well, a smart pig he is with a lovely

coat. Simon looks like he has accepted him into his life as an equal. Is, wait, did your mom send that or is that horse e-books? Or possibly George Orwell? Yeah. Like, what is, what does that mean? They'll be tilling the fields in no time. What?

Why would they? Is my mom some kind of inanimate object Marxist? She thinks all people and objects should be equal? She thinks toys should control the means of production? I sincerely have no idea what that means, even now. But, you know, I love my mom, so. Sure. OMG, at least she's learned abbreviations.

She did learn to write OMG. Religion is the opiate of the masses, LOL. I forgot to mention this, Jordan. The hotel, actually, we're here in a beautiful hotel in Santa Monica, California. They wanted us to make, we're in a sort of conference space right now. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, this is a little bit of housekeeping.

We'll get back to the show in a second, but this is just some stuff they wanted us to take care of. Yeah, so they asked us to announce a few upcoming conferences just because they know that you guys are conference goers, and they just wanted us to let you know. And really, really specific conference goers. So they wanted us to let you know about what was upcoming. Actually, in November, Dad Fashion Con. Some good panels at Dad Fashion Con. Yeah, some great panels at Dad Fashion Con. Oh, here's a good one.

Golf shirts. Not just for golf anymore. Through the looking glass, are we ready for the triple pleated slack? And finally, fedoras, if you're so embarrassed to be seen with me, drive yourself to swim class. That's in November. Oh, Dated Reference Con is coming up in December. That's going to be a lot of fun. Very excited about that.

You know which one I'm excited about? That's one hot toddy. Arliss catchphrases that never caught. And of course, you're going to want to get tickets early for Read My Lips, No New References. And

oh, I'm excited about To the Moon, Alice, and Other Things to Say While Threatening to Hit Your Wife. Of course, actually, I'm excited about to the moon, Alice, and other things to say while threatening to hit your wife. Of course, actually, later this month, the Halloween Costumers Association is going to be here. Oh, I am really excited about that one. From dark shadows to Lone Ranger, landfills where you can bring unsold Johnny Depp costumes. unsold Johnny Depp costumes. Oh, of course, there's the costumer's Everest.

Slutty U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein D. California. Making that slutty is quite a challenge. Oh, what I'm most excited about the Halloween costume conference is retardant versus accelerant flames and children's costumes.

That's just a panel about remembering which one you're supposed to do with the costume. Oh, in the spring, a failed tentpole movie con is coming up. Of course, we're going to want to all be present for the panel. A conversation with Vin Diesel, the fan of Jack Reacher. And of course, Battleship wasn't that bad. A chat with your friend who's always a contrarian dick about stuff. I am most excited this summer, and this is always a big deal every summer here in Santa Monica,

ABBA ZappaCon. ABBA ZappaCon. First, you're going to want to go to the panel. ABBA versus Zappa, a spirited debate. They disagree. Of course, you're going to want to see Double Feature, a screening of the 1971

Frank Zappa cult classic 200 Motels and the 2008 Pierce Brosnan vehicle Mamma Mia. Brainstorming Session, great uses for an empty convention center. And finally, Con Planning. Is a funny name enough? So just good. We just got that housekeeping out of the way. We can get back to the show.

We got that housekeeping out of the way. We've got a couple special guests up today. But first we want to bring up perhaps the most beloved guest in the history of Jordan, Jesse Goh, a stand-up comedian, a television personality,

Chris Fairbanks, everybody. Chris Fairbanks. How are you, sir? I'm terrific. Oh, it's great to have you on the show. Thanks for having me. Chris, you were telling me before we got up here that you just got done performing for

some sort of Burning Man cool-down show? Yeah. Yeah, that was yesterday. I think it's D-Con, as in decompress. Wait, D-Com? It should be D-Com. Yeah. I swear it was called D-Com.

Well, man, you're being kind of a spelling Nazi, okay? Just fucking let it go. It's Burning Man. And then I just... Contact juggling. Invisible sphere dance with Christmas lights under shirt. Have you been to Burning Man before?

No, I have not. So how did you get involved in ancillary Burning Man activity? The second level of Burning Man. Burning Man's the big show, Jesse. They try you out here. He's like one of the featured players on SNL. They just had stand-up from a shack with little gables, windows, and these clowns would periodically come out and interrupt your set.

It's a great idea. Sure. They pop out, 9-11 was an inside job. I was kind of in the middle of a joke there. Oh, well. These are not funny. Wait, it was in a shack? It was made to me like a shake shack

i mean like a b-52 style love shack um i'm not gonna do i almost did more lyrics that would have been a bad idea um and but but was it how burning manny was it were you were you were you shrooming were you were you you learning to hula hoop? I was open to all those options. Yeah, but it didn't happen. No, it was pretty low-key. Other than the clowns, it was kind of a normal comedy show? I think that they were all just decompressing from having actually done those things at the actual Burning Man.

So there wasn't even loose women? My loose woman eye was a little off. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I kind of just did my job and left like a normal human. You weren't distracted by all the glow sticks. That's what drew your loose woman eye away. Actually, in the email it said, in all caps, no glow sticks, comma, because they are evil.

I don't know. That's a 180 from the Burning Man community. Yeah, that's not the glow stick I know. Maybe there's like an organic, like locally sourced glow stick you're supposed to be using. Yeah, yeah. Have you not been to the Whole Foods glow stick aisle? You're supposed to be using. Yeah, yeah.

Have you not been to the Whole Foods glow stick aisle? Is it possible that this is an issue that is currently riven the Burning Man community? Glow stick yes, glow stick no? They were up in arms. That's just one of their dances. I don't. I didn't. That's so dumb.

But there should be a conference here about it Maybe there is He said picking up his notes and realizing he didn't have anything for that No, there isn't one There's no conference, we checked According to these jokes, Everett Arglostix evil colon decon com A con for decom

Yes Yeah Oh, right Con-com. A con for decom. Yes. Yeah. All right. Can I bring up, now that we've got a show business professional up here, can I bring up a show business issue? Indeed. Technically, we're show business professionals, but yes. Chris is on true TV, Jesse. So.

Quite regularly. So Quite regularly For the folks at home Chris is taking a dainty sip of his water Yes, I do One thing I know about podcasting Is physical humor and mugging Is a hit

Right, that's why kids who are on the Disney channel Do so well in podcasting They know how to mug We've all lied on a resume before, right? That's why kids who are on the Disney Channel do so well in podcasting. They know how to mug. We've all lied on a resume before, right? That's hard for the course. Yes, yes, I have. Thank you.

So I will audition for a commercial every now and then, and there's like a form you fill out online for commercial casters to look at. And, you know, it has your headshot and your height and your vest size and stuff like that. Vest size. I do a lot of vest modeling. Of course you do. Yeah. Nice midsection is what people say about me. Really highlights.

The vest hangs nicely. It drapes. So, you know, and there's a little section on the commercial audition form for skills, for special skills. So if they need someone who, you know, can jump a BMX bike or if they need someone who can juggle, like there's a box to tick. What skills do you have, equestrian? Tearing the sleeves off a jacket and making it a vest? Yeah, just nice midsection is what I have. Yeah, no, I mean, to be honest with you guys, not a ton.

Don't have a ton of skills. Stage combat? No, not stage combat. I mean, they didn't have a box for being pretty good at the Mortal Kombat reboot or having a surprisingly big dick considering my small feet. That's a true thing. Did not have that. Did not have that.

So, I mean, I kind of just had the... I feel like I should tick a few of these boxes. I don't want to be the guy who doesn't have any boxes ticked. I'm actually still disappointed about that dick thing. Yeah. Because I was looking forward, if I ever auditioned for a commercial, to ticking the surprisingly small dick for a guy with such big feet. There was a box for that.

You could be booking some Slim Jim commercials. So, okay. So I just ticked a couple random boxes when I filled this thing out, you know, two years ago. So I go into this audition. Wait, hold on. A couple of random boxes? Yeah, I guess. I totally forgot.

Like what, motocross? Well, apparently I ticked stunt work. So I go into this audition, and they said, you've done that thing where someone breaks a chair on your back, right? And I said, yep. You know what, Jordan? I've seen you let a snake bite you in the arm. Sure. I could do that.

But lunatic, I would not do that. And I would let someone break a chair on my back. That was the most horrifying. We worked on a show together, and a snake with an open mouth, he was just screaming and did not tear his arm away, and a snake bit his arm. So that's a stunty thing. Wait, was it supposed to bite your arm? Yes!

Yeah, it was a gag. It was a snake gag. For the sake of entertainment, Jordan let a snake bite his arm. So not only does he have a large penis, his vault... For considering my feet size. I don't want anybody to be disappointed. And on tape, you have Travis Pastrana,

who's this lunatic motocross guy. He punched you as hard as he could in the nose. Yeah, I've been hurt on camera before. Double bloody nose, and he was a good sport about it. Total stuntman. Thank you, thank you. Tick away. I just assumed that I could have a chair broken on me.

I've watched a few YouTube videos of people having chairs broken on them. Wait, of just instructional videos how to have a chair broken on you or just videos of men being broken by chairs? I just watched Roadhouse. I just watched a DVD of Roadhouse.

And I assumed, you know, like that's good enough training. And also kind of a concern that I have is part of this, part of the gag of this commercial is that I have to pretend like it didn't happen. Like it's like I get hit and then just go about my business.

Like that's the joke. Anyways, I'm shooting this thing on Wednesday. Oh, it's like I get hit and then just go about my business. That's the joke. Anyways, I'm shooting this thing on Wednesday. Oh, wow. I got it. Am I allowed to ask what type of product it is? I don't think I should say. I don't think I should say. It's a commercial for balsa wood chairs.

Break it on a guy. He doesn't notice. Available at Ikea. So can I – do you think we can do just – can we do a test run here? I don't think these are breakaway chairs, Jordan. Well, I have – I have maybe like a training wheel. I thought like what's something someone could hit me with? I don't think training wheels would work either.

You could hit me with some training wheels. No, too heavy. How about this? I've got a styrofoam cooler. Okay. Can we call someone up? Let's just have a conversation. At some point, someone can hit me with this styrofoam cooler, and we'll just see if I take it.

I like that. Does someone want to do that? Is there a liability issue with this? A lot of hands shot up. A lot of hands shot up. A lot of middle fingers, too. I've got a prize for someone who would do it. I feel like I don't trust these people to break styrofoam coolers over Jordan's head.

Jordan, remember to not react when it happens. That's the most important part. I'm looking at the audience and looking at people that I recognize from past MaxFun events and stuff like that, past shows. There's this guy named Alexis sitting in the front, but I don't think he's a good choice because he doesn't have the gift of sight. I see Amanda here. She works for me, though. I think that has a lot of liability issues. I can probably sue, yeah.

Like double liability issues. Takora, are you willing to do it? Takora says absolutely not. Well, I guess it's just that guy with the utility kill. Yeah, get up here. Get up here. Come on up here, utility kill. Here, I'm going to hand you this.

Okay, so Jordan is handing. Sir, remind me of your name. We just met. Eric, was it? Yeah, Eric, come on up. Stand behind Jordan. Okay. So I don't know.

Let's just gab. Okay. Maybe just in the Yeah, Eric, come on up. Stand behind Jordan. Okay. So, I don't know. Let's just gab. Okay. Maybe just, you know, in the back, shoulders, somewhere like where you'd be breaking a chair. Jordan, you,

we have this, we have this, how about we do this? Yeah. We have this DVD starring Christian Slater called Hard Cash and Val Kilmer

and a black guy. Can I have... I'm guessing DMX? Oh, wow. Daryl Hannah, Balthazar Getty. Ooh, this is a real... Vern Troyer. And William Forsythe.

I'm glad William Forsythe fought for the... You've got to have a classic heavy. And William Forsythe credit. His agent's like... You know, just kind of, yeah, in this zone. Maybe you stay away from the neck. But, yeah, it's okay. So let's just –

Okay, so I'll have you read – this will be Eric's prize. Okay. And I want you to read about hard cash to the good people here. And, Eric, stand behind him where he can't see you. And I'll have to – so the goal is that, like, I'll keep reading. And I want you to break it over Jordan's head like this. No, across the back, like the chair. Not across my head.

Well, it's not going to break that way. No, I think it'll break. You think so? I think it will. Let's try. Okay. This is like a roadhouse swing. It's not over my head.

Try punching Jordan first. Yeah. You know what? Put my balls in this vice. And while you guys do this, I'll try and get rid of the image of Verne Troyer being broken over your back. I don't know why.

Has anyone thought of it yet? It's a funny image. Okay, there. At some point before I finish the description of this DVD, hard cash. Two of the world's best criminal minds are on opposite sides of the law. Thomas, Christian Slater,

Windtalkers, pulled off the perfect crime in his team of master thieves. Bokeem Windbine caught up. Vern Troyer, Austin Powers 2 and 3. Balthazar Getty, Shadow Hours.

Wait, Jordan, I have a question, though. You said you were going to have somebody break a cooler over you, and that was just Balthazar Getty, shadow hours. Wait, Jordan, I have a question, though. Yeah. You said you were going to have somebody break a cooler over you, and that was just the lid of a cooler. Should we do the cooler? Yeah, go get the cooler. Go get the cooler. All right.

Brian Fernandez is running backstage to grab the cooler. This is the best. Why did our show never have breaking things over Jordan? Our podcast should have more stunts, physical stunts. Can I break it over you? Do you want to? Yeah. Okay, sure.

I'll read it to you. Just so I have something to read. You can sit. You have a seat. How about a hand for Eric, everybody? So the next prize that we're going to get, we're going to have a quiz later Spoiler alert, the prize is Trespass starring Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman

Fan favorite Netflix streaming favorite I'm going to read the back When terror is at your doorstep, you can run or you can fight. What happens when a man with everything, a beautiful wife, Nicole Kidman, a teenage daughter, Leanne Libretto, and a wealthy estate is confronted with the reality of losing it? That's why Kyle Miller, Nicolas Cage, must come to learn as he and his family become the victims

of a home invasion. Jordan Morris, ladies and gentlemen! Holy moly! So look for me in a commercial for AshleyMadison.com. Oh, man. Should we do our quiz? That was number one.

That was the highlight of my career because of my fondness for you. Thank you. Not because I've been waiting to do that. Secret rage. Do you want to do our quiz? I think so. Okay. So first we're going to need a volunteer from the audience.

Who would like to come up here and play the quiz? There is a prize. It's always all dudes. I like to pick a... Yes, ma'am. You in the blue shirt. Come on up. What's your name, ma'am? How about a hand for Zoe, ladies and gentlemen? Zoe is coming

up for your entertainment. Okay, so here's our quiz. We're here in Santa Monica, California, which is the world's capital of, how would you describe it, Jordan? Yoga and yoga-related stuff. I was going to say self-centered hippie bullshit. Like, as opposed to, like, saving the world or whatever. Just, you know, colonic-related things.

Sure. Yeah, how can I harness the power of my ancestors to make my bowels more regular? So we're going to do a quiz between Chris and Zoe and this quiz is called Yoga Studio, Cleanse,

or Some Shit We Made Up. Okay. So we're going to go to each of them in turn, giving them three items, and they will have to tell us which of these is a yoga studio, which of these is a cleanse, and which of these is some shit we made up. The yoga studios and cleanses are absolutely real. Needless to say, we made up the shit that we made up.

And we'll see who walks away with a prize. Hopefully it's Chris Fairbanks, right, Chris? That's why you're here. I'm rubbing my hands together. You enjoyed the work of Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman. Okay, Zoe, I'm going to have you go first. Okay. Here are your three choices.

Which is a yoga studio, which is a cleanse, and which is some shit we made up? Which is a cleanse and which is some shit we made up? Booty ballet, Dr. Oz's power blast, and liquateria. Booty ballet, Dr. Oz's power blast, and liquateria. What's booty ballet? That's a yoga studio. What's Dr. Oz's power blast?

That's some shit you made up. What's liquiteria? That is a cleanse. You are absolutely correct. 100%. You're going down for it. Chris, are you ready? Yeah, let's do it. I'm pretty much on Zoe's team now, right?

I guess. Is this how we're breaking this shit down? Let's do it. Yeah, sure. Okay, yeah. Sure. All right. Don't look at the answers, though. That, sure. Okay. Yeah, sure. All right. Don't look at the answers, though. That's...

Okay. Love Grace, Panda Express, Golden Bridge. What is Love Grace? That's a yoga studio. What's Panda Express?

We all know what that is. I guess another... That's a cleanse. Okay, yeah, sure. That's a cleanse. General So's. That's a cleanse. And the Golden Bridge.

You just made that up. That's zero out of three for Chris Fairbanks. Damn it. Well, what do I get to know the real... Love Grace is a cleanse. Panda Express is a place where you get lemon chicken in the mall. Wait, okay, I thought that was a trick question. It could be a popular cleanse because people are already familiar with it.

Or it gives you diarrhea. Yeah. It's also known as the fuck it cleanse. I'd like to call it the bamboo shoot. Golden Bridge is a real yoga studio. Okay, you ready, Zoe? I'm ready. Let's do this.

Focus. Zoe, do not lose focus. I will not lose focus. Do not lose focus. And also, no glow sticks. They're evil. Black Market, Clean Program, and Dream Blaster. Black Market, Clean Program, and dream blaster. Black Market, clean program, and dream blaster.

What is Black Market? Shit you made up. What is clean program? Cleanse. What is dream blaster? Yoga studio. One out of three. Yes.

Black Market is a real yoga studio The Clean Program is a real cleanse And Dream Blaster is obviously some shit we made up Is Black Market one of those yoga studios Where after class you are without your kidneys? Just fall asleep in this bathtub filled with ice. Nothing bad will come to you. Right now, someone in the audience is on Snopes,

like, typing in, is that shit real? Chris Fairbanks, just... I never did get my free Southwest flight. Chris, are you ready? I'm, I guess, sure. Your three are... I'm going to ace this. Nine treasures, body juices,

rapocrathy, rapothacary. Okay. Nine treasures, body juices, rapothacary. I got you. What's nine juices? That's a cleanse.

Body juices. Something you made up. Rapothacary. Rapacrathy. That's a yoga studio. That's one out of three. One out of three. How upset I got. I'm so competitive.

Body juices is some shit we made up. I mean, all our bodies have juices inside them. We're really just bags of body juices. Bile, phlegm. Nine Treasures is a yoga studio. Rapothikari is a cleanse. Oh, raw. Of course it's a cleanse.

But you do get one point for that. Okay, Zoe, you ready for this? Ready. Master, Gwyneth Paltrow's weekly goop, and Body Max with two Xs. Master Gwyneth Paltrow's weekly goop and body max with two Xs. What's master? Cleanse.

What's Gwyneth Paltrow's weekly goop? The best thing you've ever made up. And what's body max? Yoga studio. That's three points. That's good. All right, Chris, you can come back. You can come back. Healing Tree.

Arise and Shine. Boz Skaggs. What's Healing Tree? It's a yoga studio. Arise and Shine. That is a cleanse. Boz Skaggs. Something you made up, but it's a real person.

Ad trick. Three for three. Three for three. This is close, Zoe. This is very close. Okay. Sweat and soul, the big blowout, or colonics with a capital X at the end. Just by the way, much more pleasant than

colonics, three Xs at the end. It's a different thing. Although I did feel cleansed after it. Sweat and soul, the big blowout, and colonics, Zoe. Okay. First, yoga studio. What was the second? The big blowout.

Not real. Colonics. Cleanse. That's a hat trick. Good news, Chris. Yeah? You're behind 10 to 4. Oh, nuts.

Wait, no, that's bad news. The good news is this final one, every one of them is worth 10 points. I don't need your charity. Okay, I'll take it. I'll take it. If you want this DVD.

I had to do the math first. I need your charity. Thank you. Shakti's Repose. Fire Groove. Four Elements. What's Shakti's Repose, fire groove, four elements. What's Shakti's repose? That's a cleanse. Fire groove.

That's something you made up. Four elements. That's a yoga studio. Zero out of three. Zoe is the winner. I'm not dumb. I feel like I'm dumb now. Here's your copy of Trespass on DVD. Zoe is the winner. I'm not dumb. I feel like I'm dumb now. Here's your

copy of Trespass on DVD. Thank you so much, Zoe, ladies and gentlemen. Zoe. Heaven is fun. That was a really good time. I enjoyed that. Me too. I didn't. Oh, buddy.

You did great. Even if it's a joke test, it's. I didn't. Oh, buddy. You did great. Even if it's a joke test, it's just I get anxious. I did not do well in school. Has Karen made it over here yet? Yes? No? Yes? No? No? One of those.

At some point, the great Karen Kilgariff will be over here and that will be a lot of fun. That'll be fun when that happens. I think so, too. I'm really looking forward to it. I feel like you guys are anxious to have Karen here because of how I did on that test. Yeah, right. She was not going to come originally, and now we're like, can we get somebody else out here who knows more about cleanses?

Do we want to start our... Hold on. Can I just say that there is no point in your life where you feel lower than when you are binging, typing into bing.com, that's the automatic thing on my telephone, list of Hollywood cleanses. I did that, but with, and I put image search, it's just a picture of shits. Just shit gallery

after shit gallery. Do we want to start our momentous occasions, and then we'll grab Karen when she comes in here? Yeah, sure. Why not? Yeah, you can, yeah, sure. Clap, clap for a change of pace it's a segment yeah when something momentous happens to you our audience we ask that you well for a live show write it on a note card

and then come up to a microphone in the middle of the floor and say it into the microphone you sound like you don't like that policy Is there a better way to do this? I just don't want to have to interact with people directly Oh, I get it They're always so disappointing I am at a podcast festival So it's probably something I don't have to worry about that much There's too much eye contact at this thing Okay

Okay, someone has one about a dryer here Who's got the dryer-related one? You, sir. Go up to that microphone. This is definitely going to be exciting. This is going to be a lot of fun. This is going to be a lot of fun. What's your name?

Where are you from? I'm Alex. Is that mic live? There we go. I'm Alex from New Jersey. I'm Alex from New Jersey. Hi, Alex from New Jersey. Oh, Alex. What's your momentous occasion, Alex?

My momentous occasion was I broke my hand trying to hit beer out of a dryer with an axe. That's a horsey book sentence if I ever heard one. What? You should explain that more. Are you sure you didn't break your hand trying to understand an e-mail from my mom? No. We had this party, and it's full of – Sounds pretty sweet.

Yeah. No, it's full of engineers, so it wasn't that interesting. But we had an old dryer, and we took all the parts out of it, like the machinery and stuff. It was just the metal case. So you guys don't take a break. You, like, keep fucking engineering even when you're just hanging out. Fuck yeah. It's totally different with comedians because when we're just hanging out, we just stop doing bits.

So we had this empty dryer and we had a bunch of beer. So we had this empty dryer and we had a bunch of beer. So we put all the beer in a dryer and we welded the door shut and we made a man yatta, which is a piñata for men. So and then we hung it from a tree. I thought it was a hollowed out man full of candy. Are you suggesting that piñatas are for peens? Yes You sound like you could be like An advertising executive for Dr. Pepper Zero

But the axe I guess it was just like a shitty axe And it didn't work It was just some axe body spray We were just spraying it So you didn't have a more traditional pin? You didn't have a bat? No,

straight for Axe. It didn't even work. So we made an impenetrable fortress for our beer. We broke the Axe and I was really pissed. So I was really drunk. Wait, hold on. So did you suspend the beer from a rope on a tree?

Yeah. Yeah. It was like a big iron cable. You know what happens when beer falls. Obviously, we put it in a fucking dryer. You're an engineer, sir. You know, we talked about kind of the character of someone who comes to a podcast festival. A lot of kind of delightful people,

delightful nerds. I like that we have a psychopath. I like that one seems to be a bona fide psycho. Wow. So you broke your hand. Did you ever get the beer out? Can I ask a small favor of you? I don't know what kind of engineer you plan to become or are,

but I ask that it not be an engineer of bridges near my house. We made a pretty good sealed dryer, so. Yeah. That's true. I mean, I guess, too, when you. So if I ever need a dryer that I can't open. He's your guy. Well, if you're ever doing a cleanse cleanse You put all your carbs in the dryer

You weld it shut Did you ever get the beer out? Yeah with a saw This fucking party sucks This fucking party sucks Everybody got laid that night I imagine Totally Well that's great

How about a hand? Do we have any more? Do we have more? Yeah, go ahead. Thank you. That's great. Oh, the best, by the way, we should mention, the best momentous occasion as judged by us

will get Way of War starring Cuba Gooding Jr. He has a single mission, to expose the truth. Using a gun. That's all we really know about. Is this a sequel to radio? No, it's a... Okay, somebody has... Without giving this away,

somebody has a tweet about last night and choice. I mean, a momentous occasion about last night and choice. And quality. Yes, ma'am. Okay, step up. This young lady. Okay. This young lady is going to step up to the microphone. So Sonny D lied to me.

He told me I could be anonymous about this. Oh, well. Tough shit. We'll alter your voice in post. You're streaming on the internet now. I know. It's awesome. What's your name, Anonymous? I'm Heather. I'll do it. You're streaming on the internet now. I know. It's awesome. What's your name, Anonymous? I'm Heather. I'll do it.

You're like, I said that as though that was a thing. My conviction got her to give up her name. So, Heather, what's your momentous occasion? Last night at this quality festival, I had two quality dudes to choose from. Which way did you go? The Chinese guy? What made you think it was an ethnic choice?

Choosing her preferred ethnicity. Hey, when in doubt, choose the Chinese guy. It could have been two Chinese guys. Sure. Was it? Two Chinese guys? I don't know. I'm sorry to presume. No one was Chinese

in this issue. Probably Chinese American, by the way. I don't think a lot of people flew in from China for the festival. Now, were there, were there, like,

key differences here? Was it like, oh, one is tall and one is short or one is, you know, one makes me laugh and one just, something else is, I don't know.

One is hotter. Okay. Is that how you decided? He won, yes. That's how we all decide. Oh, you went with the most obvious criteria. Yeah. Uh-huh.

You didn't just choose the one who had the best knowledge of the lesser guests on WTF? Well, they probably were both pretty good at that. Oh, man. What is a party like at the PodFest? Yeah, geez. You guys are all fucking, aren't you? You motherfuckers. You assholes.

Secret sex party. Did you consider not choosing or making a broader choice? Or, like in Batman 2, just breaking a pool cue and throwing it in the middle of the room and having them fight it out?

No, it was a pretty clear race between two. Okay. It was never going to, I guess, I've got to put this delicately, it was never going to be a tie. Right. There was never going to be a tiebreaker involved. Why are we all dancing around the word threesome?

I don't get it. Oh, I just meant, was she going to ask them to take their dicks out? Oh, well. Maybe I should have. No, but threesome was off the table? Mm-hmm. You proposed to it.

It was shot down. I should have, but I didn't really encourage it. Come on. These are dudes at a podcast festival. They'll do what it takes. That's a good one. That's a really good moment. It's very momentous.

Congratulations. That's really solid. Thank you for sharing that with us. Who has the most... You decide by seeing who has the most pockets on their utila kilt. I bet she's looking forward

to all the dudes from this room that are going to be hitting on her later. Do we have more? We have one more. We got somebody from the – oh, there's somebody who came from Kansas City or came past Kansas City. Excuse me.

Passed through it. Past Kansas City. If you wrote down Kansas City in your thing, it's you. Trust me on this one. There's only like ten cards. Unless one of you is Fats Domino. No, it's a song. What's your name, sir?

My name is Kelly. Hi, Kelly. How are you? Where did you... What's your deal? What am I doing here? Where did you come from? What me want you say?

Point of order. What me want you say? You like broadcast? Take mine? You can sit down. We're going to do this for another ten minutes. So, Kelly, I'm looking at your card here. It says, me and another guy were hitting on this chick.

And frankly, I was hoping for a tie. You know, where you take your dicks out. Sorry, what's your thing? I'm from St. Louis. St. Louis, Missouri, home of the Gateway Arch. That is true. And St. Louis pizza. Yes.

Tell us about St. Louis pizza. For everybody here who doesn't know about St. Louis pizza. It's thin. It's got good cheese and better than any pizza everywhere. So just to clarify, there's a couple of hisses in the room. There's going to be a pizza-related fist fight. Well, slap fight out in the hall. It is probably the regional food

most legendary for being disgusting. It's famous for having a white gummy cheese, the best cheese. Yeah, sure. Our friend Dave Holmes is from St. Louis. Any opportunity you ever have to talk to, you could be talking

to Dave Holmes about Proust, Remembrance of Things Past, and he would be like, God, you know what I don't miss about St. Louis? That fucking disgusting pizza. Is the appeal, is it like a drunk food? Is that kind of its place in the ecosystem? Well, anything in St. Louis is a drunk food, I guess.

Bunch of drugs out there? Yeah. Is it an Italian food in a place with no Italians? Yes, yeah. I'll tell you what, though. Gateway Arch is pretty fucking sweet, right? Pretty cool. For shit that doesn't...

For just shit that somebody built to have a thing that doesn't do anything, it's great. It does it well. It looks fucking cool as shit. I like your description of what art is. Shit for a thing that doesn't do jack. My kid could paint that. That is a pretty solid definition of art. Somebody should write that down.

Okay, what's your momentous occasion? I've just never been west of Kansas City, and I'm here right now. Wow. What about this made it – when were you like, this is the thing, this is why I'm going? Yeah, it seems like a mistake. I mean, as much as I'm enjoying this. Just wanting to be past... I don't know.

Just... I don't know. Okay. You just wanted to see Marin up close. I get it. Yeah. How are you enjoying it so far? It's very good.

Very cool. Nice. What's been your... What's been your... The best West of Kansas thing you've it so far? It's very good, very cool What's been the best West of Kansas thing you've done so far? Saw the ocean Ocean's great Did you go into the ocean? I did not You should go in there

Get in there Did you know you're allowed in there? I didn't see anybody else in there, so I wanted to stay back a little bit. That's a good thing. Caution. You don't want to get in over your head, literally, and drown and die. Riptides? Those are out there?

Tell me something about saying, and by the way, I'm glad that we've chosen you, the person who's clearly the most visibly, physically uncomfortable talking to us, to full-on interview up here. But what is the thing, what is like the coolest? I've only been to St. Louis once, although my dad is from Kansas City. And I wonder what is the thing in St. Louis, besides its legendary pizza, that an outsider might not know about that is really, really cool? What's the inside information on St. Louis? There's not much cool things that insiders know about. Okay, so here's my concern.

You don't seem to like St. Louis, although you do like the cheese on the pizza, to be fair. Good cheese. However, you've chosen to make it to, I'm guessing, 26? I am 23. 23 years of age without leaving St. Louis. Right. Sure. That broke much sadder than I wanted it to.

Well, we're really glad you're here. Yeah, do you have something else in mind for your next trip out? Where would be next? No, this is it. It's good, you've seen it. He's going to go to a mountain and not climb it. Yeah, it's pretty tall.

All right. Now, to get some eats. Well, thank you very much for sharing that momentous occasion with us. We do have one more guest on the program. Please welcome to the stage our friend Karen Kilgara. Yay. Oh, hi, everybody. Now, do we want to give out this copy of Way of War starring Cuba Gooding Jr.?

Yeah, absolutely. Well, Karen was back at the back of the stage for part of that. I mean, she saw some of that fun St. Louis material we were doing. I think so. She can just contribute. Sure. So, Karen, to catch you up, we had three momentous occasions. We're picking the best.

Okay. One guy came out from St. Louis. It's his first time leaving the city. Oh. We had a gal who got fucked. Literally? And a lady who... Real fucking?

I think so. Full on. Oh, congratulations. Anal and everything, right? Wait. Whatever you're into. Sure. Last night at the party, not only did she get what she came for, but she had a veritable buffet to choose from.

Wow. A Chinese buffet. Chinese-American buffet. Chinese-American buffet. Most likely. Nice. It's American buffet. Chinese American buffet. Most likely. It's Americanized. Most likely. It's a little sweeter.

Most likely. What was that third one? More sesame seeds. I don't know what's going on. Go ahead. What was that third one? So that was one of them. What was the other one?

Broke his hand on the man. Oh, the guy. And then this idiot, this idiot. I mean, sweet guy i'm not insulting the man personally just his intelligence this man was an engineer and he and his engineer buddies got together and they built a a slim jim commercial called a man yada man y, which was a hollowed-out man full of candy. A real wicker man, if you will. It was an old dryer that they had removed the moving parts from and sealed shut that they were going to hack open with an axe,

but they broke the axe on the dryer. And so eventually they had to get, I presume, and I'm embellishing the story a little bit, admittedly, one of those Canadian Mounties-style saws with two handles. And they cried the whole time. A cartoon saw? Yeah. Yeah, a cartoon saw.

Okay. Anyway, they all left on those rail cars that are powered by hand. These were some lovable hobos. So the best of those stories gets this copy of Way of War starring Cuba Gooding Jr. So it's a choice between a rube, a slut, and an idiot. Let me think. Because I relate to all of them so closely. I say reward the person who left his town.

Yeah. I think so, too. That's very brave. Come on up here, sir. Congratulations. Yeah. And thank you for sharing your momentous occasion with us. There you go.

Thank you. Thank you. Congratulations, sir. The other two have gotten enough. You know what I mean? Yeah. The other two had kind of implicit prizes. Yeah, they got their prizes.

You just ran over here from another podcast. Were you enjoying yourself over there on the dork force with Jackie? I really was. I'm sorry to say to you. What were the – on Jackie's show, and Jackie's been a guest on our show, very funny stand-up comedian. On Jackie's show, she investigates specific dorkdoms of each guest who's on the program.

What kind of dork are you? Oh, so many kinds. When I was on her show, I admitted to being a dork about Sandra Bullock, where I really think she's my best friend. When Sandy cries, I cry. I'm very ashamed to admit it, because it doesn't seem cool or Riot Grrrl or punk rock.

I don't know, whatever I think I might be. But that's what we talked about. But then just now downstairs, everyone was talking about being either whether or not you were in band in high school. Not a band, but band. Band, band. Kind of the opposite of being in a band is being in a band, but band. Band, band. Kind of the opposite of being in a band. I wasn't in band, but I was in a band. Maybe you've heard of them.

The band? Oh, shit. You guys are great. Thank you. Colloquially known as the Goo Goo Dolls. You guys may know them as the Goo Goo Dolls. Jog Jams, volume two. The band that was so nice to pump you all up for the show today.

Okay, so let's talk about your relationship with Sandra Bullock a little bit. Sounds great. Have you seen Sandra Bullock in space yet? I have not. I can't wait. Are you concerned about it at all? I think she'll pull through. I was just talking to somebody about this.

You can't kill Bullock. You can't kill her. She's irrepressible. You can't. America won't have her. She's irrepressible. You can't. America won't have her. Wait, are you saying she's a Highlander? There can be only one. There can be only one.

Sandra Bullock. And it's Sandy. Yeah, we were saying we don't think she's died yet on screen, so she's probably not going to in this. So she's just going to spin around in the blackness for a while and be like, oh, geez, oh, God, you know, do her thing. She's so relatable and real. Do you think something is going to hit her in the face at some point during this very

serious film? Doesn't she have the big bubble on the whole time? Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't know. I'm just guessing. It's like, I wish I could see it. What? Maybe when she'll have a little awkward moment with George Clooney and then she'll make a

face and go, I pooped in my space suit. Holy shit. There's another thing she might say. That's what he would say. I did a draft of that movie the studio did not like. Yeah, the awkward moment was they were both walking their dogs

and the leashes got tangled and then the dogs ran around and then they got really close. But they didn't kiss because they were space helmets. Because she shit. Yeah. What film first introduced you to Sandra Bullock? It's got to be Speed.

Original Speed. I was on Speed when I was watching it, so it was so much better. I would have liked it if you would have said, It's got to be Speed. Speed 2 Cruise Control. I love boats. Yeah. I haven't seen to be Speed. Speed 2 Cruise Control. I love boats. Yeah. I haven't seen the first one.

Don't care to. Do you see – now, Sandra Bullock is an actor. Is it Sandra? Am I mispronouncing it? I don't know. I'm not that indoor. Is Sandra Bullock an actress where you'll go see a C quality, Sandra Bullock, an actress where you'll go see a C quality,

as in letter grade C quality, not just as good as the C, which I love because I'm a mariner. If what you're saying is, did I see All About Steve the morning it opened? Yes, that's right. Jordan's in All About Steve. I know he is. I was very happy and proud when I saw him. I've been wanting to say that for like 10 minutes.

I keep going, Jordan, say you were in a movie. Say it in a book. Yeah, I know. I went to my high school reunion a couple of years back, and everyone had seen the movie. It was all anyone wanted to talk about. As if that is my lone entertainment accomplishment, which in a weird way it kind of is. It is. I get that.

It is. Yeah. I loved it. of is. I get that. It is. Yeah. I loved it. You know, I think it's a distinction. I would rather be in like kind of a famous bad movie than like a forgettable mediocre movie, you know? I think I'm kind of proud of it, you know? Well, and it's also the people that are around you.

So it's like a bad movie is bad if like, you know, someone horrible is standing next to you doing some horrible thing that's embarrassing. But, like, my picture of you is sitting in that director's chair next to who? Was it the guy from Wings? The deep voice Thomas? Paul McCartney.

Yeah, Paul McCartney, yeah. It's me and Paul McCartney. No, there's Thomas Hayden Church I had a scene with. DJ Qualls from The New Guy. Oh, yes, God bless his soul. I know. Did you see him eat at all while you were there? Oh, he had an IV hooked up to him.

Oh, good, good, good. They hooked him up. He gets feed intravenously. This is the first I've heard of DJ Qualls dying. I meant to tell you earlier. You're not on Twitter. Yeah. Sorry.

Oh, man. He was thin. Carry on. Oh, man. He was thin. Carry on. You're a trap. What is your favorite Sandra or Sandra Bullock movie that we might be surprised to hear is one of your favorite Sandra Bullock movies?

Besides any Sandra Bullock movie. Yeah, really. They're kind of all the same movie. Two Weeks Notice pops into my head because it just seems like someone followed her and Hugh Grant around with a camera and filmed them talking to each other. And so I like that kind of voyeuristic aspect. Kind of like a mumblecore movie. Yeah, very mumblecore. A Sandra Bullock mumblecore movie.

It's edgy. That doesn't seem like a bad way to make a movie. I mean, if you're going to just fall... I mean, they're both so fucking charming. It's a charm-off, like crazy. There's so much stuttering and kind of like eyes, a flicker. And then when they finally kiss, you're kind of like, oh, it's all the pre. It's like you just want to watch them be nervous around each other.

I think the first Sandra Bullock movie I had ever seen was The Heat this past year. What? I might have to step off this dais. But I absolutely cannot judge your enthusiasm for Sandra Bullock because I feel the same way about Hugh Grant. I would see – I watched the film Music and Lyrics and enjoyed it. Yeah. I enjoyed Music and L and lyrics that's how much i like hugh grant when he just goes i'm like that's fucking hilarious every time i don't i

don't want to scare you guys but i think you should you should know this when when you're here everybody hugh grant and sanjiborik reuniting for the first time since their hepatitis scare. When you said, oh, what's your favorite Sandra Bullock movie? A very stern, serious voice from the audience just said, Demolition Man. And then I look out in the audience, I caught

the eye of the guy who said it, and he just nodded like sagely, like... Mm-hmm. That's right. That's the one. We know, Dennis Leary. I also like the one where she's a witch. That's just lovely.

What movie is she a witch in? With Nicole Kidman. It's a practical... Practical magic. Thank you. Practical magic. How do I know that? Jesus.

It's a good one. Come on. Come on, Chris. I can keep talking and do it. I'm saying a sentence right now. Oh, man. Have you been doing physical comedy? We have been doing a lot of physical comedy before you got here.

Muggings. Facial muggings, eye crossings, and styrofoam head whack-em-ups. Chris Fairbanks had a really tough time in comedy school because of how much he confused mugging with muggings. Muggings. Why is it not funny that I stole another purse? Got another one, guys. I have so much money now. Why aren't I funny? Chris, what is your greatest secret enthusiasm?

Oh, well, I wish I'd prepared, but eventually something will come out of my mouth. I'll hit you with the styrofoam while you think about it. It turns out it's getting hit in the head by Jordan. I don't know. Can I say? That it's a secret? I know.

You know what it is? Yes. What? It's Chris loves, when he's driving, to put a little towel on his leg and then put his phone on top of the towel. Yeah, I do do that. I have a towel in my car specifically for that. It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. I don't know why.

It's just like, what are you doing with that towel, Chris? I have to block the phone from my leg meat. I was like, all right. Yeah, it's just another layer from the waves of cancer that shoot out of all phones at all times. Yeah. And I don't know. You're concerned about leg cancer.

Leg cancer. More than when you towel-free hold it up to your ear. That's not a concern. Really at all. That's going to happen anyway. But if I can do something about my leg, I'm going to do everything I can. Smart. I don't know why I do that.

That's embarrassing. Sorry. Sorry. That's all right. You can say one of mine. Jordan, is there anything that you love? You're all about self-definition right now. Sure.

I think I have been concerned. I'm concerned that people think that because the two of us have been working together since college, and I will joke on the program sometimes, or Jordan will joke self-deprecatingly about the fact that he had a ska radio show in college. So, I mean, that's why we do it. Did you wear a little hat? I had suspenders. I had a Dickies messenger bag.

Yes. The whole deal that he doesn't live an adult a full adult life that he's become to be defined by Ska something that he probably hasn't listened to except for the amount that I listen to for example, Tony Tony Tony

every morning I actually listen to Tony Tony Tony kind of a lot I'm changing it to En Vogue the. I actually listen to Tony, Tony, Tony kind of a lot. I'm changing it to En Vogue. The amount that I listen to En Vogue, which is, you know, a couple times a year for old times' sake. Sure, absolutely. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that.

No, absolutely not. You listen to grown-up things and so on and so forth, but do you have a secret passion that you haven't shared with the Jordan Jesse Go audience? Oh, a secret passion. Well, I've talked about singing to the cat while I'm feeding it. That's a lot of fun. Well, I mean, the art of song is one of your greatest passions. That's true, yeah.

Music, musicality in general. Yeah, I mean, let's see. Do you guys ever take a cat's ear and you don't bite it, of course, with your teeth, but you press it as hard as you can with your lips yes but with a dog yes like with a yeah do you do that with me you know what i'm saying what exactly what you're talking about yeah exactly i really 100 i i love doing that yeah yeah but really do the animals i try and do it with like the edge, like the outside part. So it won't go.

I don't want whatever's on the ear to go into my mouth. Right, me either. So I'm kind of going. I'm very sanitary about it too. But nothing feels better tactically than pressing a cat or dog's ears in your hot mouth. It is better than vagina on penis. It's better than sex, man. Here's the bad news, though.

It's the leading cause of leg cancer. Oh, nuts. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everybody. Oh, nuts. I mean, I laugh. I mean, I'm getting kind of a pleasurable sensation of kind of ripping up this little styrofoam,

these styrofoam pieces. Where would you put cat or dog ear biting on the spectrum of pleasurable sensations in relation to ripping up this little piece of styrofoam? Yeah. It's all autistic. It's that spectrum. That's why we're podcasters. Yeah!

We want people to laugh at us, but we don't want to make eye contact with them. Yeah. No, I think that's not a bad one. I mean, tearing things into tiny pieces is something that you do. Love it. Love it. Love it. I remember learning in college, and you do it by choice now, I think, relative to when we were younger. But I remember in college learning to hand you something that I didn't mind being – Dismantled.

Bisected. Yeah. Trisected. Torn into little pieces or pulled apart or whatever. Well, yeah. I mean, now I've just taken to doing it for sexual reasons. Cannot finish unless I have a little

piece of paper, wax paper. Should get in the confetti business. Maybe. Handmade confetti by Jordan. This is artisanal confetti

made by a weirdo. Who has an erection the whole time. Made by a genuine weirdo who gets sexually interested in this. Follow your passion. Yeah. I guess for me it's just gay porn. Yeah? Yeah.

But just like sexually you're getting into it or it's just you kind of like the plots and the cinematography? Oh yeah. All of the above. Okay. Great. I used to really love, if I can go again. I used to really love, there was this one Hello Kitty eraser that I got for Christmas.

In sixth grade, I used to bite it all the time in class. Yeah. It smelled really good. I knew I wasn't supposed to eat it, but I wanted to bite it because that consistency of biting on something was so satisfying. Fucking one year later what comes out from germany to america gummy bears i can finally eat the eraser that i'm chewing on it was a dream come true you lived in a world before gummy bears wow i'm from the 1800s it's me laura engel Did you have to churn them? I churned my own gummy bears.

Very rudely, roughly shaped them. Not rudely shaped them. You know, nobody makes gummy bears with their hands anymore. Yeah. We're all just buying produced. I want locally sourced gummy bears, not these fucking German ones. Holy mackerel. Okay, Karen, you have brought a guitar here with you. I did.

I don't have to use it. I would love to. I would love. Would you guys like to hear Karen Kilgareff sing a song? Boo! She can prove her Riot Grrrl credentials here, despite the fact that she's. You're going to do a bunch of acoustic bikini kill covers, right? Is that what's coming?

This is an all the Tigre set, right? She should break it over Jordan's head while he reads something. Yeah. Oh, we should have prepared some material to fill while Karen was getting her guitar out of her bag. I'll just do some... I have a question about pet ear-biting.

How does the pet feel about it? Oh, he hardly knows what's going on. He just knows I'm paying attention to him. I mean, Jordan, imagine if I was doing that to you. Sure. No, I mean, have you started yet? Yeah. There you go. I mean, I just like that you were paying attention

to me. Yeah. It's great. As long as I don't make eye contact, we're podcasts for gold. Sure. Just a, I mean, show of hands or you can cough or something like that. Has anybody else been fucking at this thing?

Yeah, well, you guys came together. No, you guys met here. And now you're fucking, that's awesome. Congratulations, guys. Congratulations. That's great. That is awesome. Cool. Congratulations, guys. Yeah. Congratulations. That's great. That is wonderful. That is wonderful.

These two have been sticking together like flour and water, but they're celibate. They're saving themselves for marriage. I thought I lost my capo. Oh, sorry. I'm back. Hi, Karen. My capo is super panicking. I didn't.

I didn't. I'm fine. Don't worry. Karen Kilgareff has a capo I was super panicking but I didn't I didn't I'm fine don't worry Karen Kilgareff has her capo and a beautiful voice and some hilarious songs let's hear it for Karen

Kilgareff yay thank you everybody please don't approach the stage. Oh. Brian's a helper. Brian's a fun helper. Our producer, Brian Fernandez.

For those of you watching at home, our producer, Brian Fernandez, is scurrying around on the ground like an adorable little rat. I thought he was rushing me. God damn it. He's plugging Karen's guitar into the sound system. And he's doing

it like the building's going to blow up if we don't get it done really quickly. Thank you for your passion and your dedication. That was a plot of speed, too, if I'm not mistaken. I haven't seen it, but... If we don't plug a quarter-inch cable into this DI, Sandy will blow.

Maybe I shouldn't have plugged in. Oh, I wish I was as pretty as that porn star you're in love with. But I will never wear a tube top, pumps, and super skinny matchstick jeans. Because I was born with calves bigger than your average discus thrower's forearms. So for now, I'll just hang back and wait and see. And hope that one day you'll be scarred by acid or by love. If there's a God above, let him fix the score. Cause right now you're a solid nine and I'm a four.

But I couldn't love you more. If only life was like a sitcom. If only I could play the husband Then I could just be fat and funny And you'd be hot and shut your mouth But we all know our roles, it's impossible It never will be otherwise Men fall in love first through their eyes Second through theirs in the eyes.

So I hope one day you go blind from a macular disease because there's no one else but me who loves you more. Now open up or I'll kick down your door. But I couldn't love you more the end The end. Thank you, everyone. I say sing another song. You prepared to sing another song? I'm totally prepared. Tom, guys, do we have time?

I think one more song. We got time for one more song, right? Karen Kilgara. That cameraman just checked his watch and went... I'm going to make you love me. This is a song that I just wrote recently. I'm not on OKCupid because I don't want to get stabbed in my car, but if I was, this is how my profile

page would read. No, I don't want to meet you for coffee. I don't care where you went to school. I'm not interested in sitting around watching you trying to act cool. Just be brave or go away. Either way, you'd say okay. I don't want to go on a hike I think that's obvious And I don't want to hear about your funny friends

I'm sure they're hilarious I don't want to hear about your funny friends. I'm sure they're hilarious. Just come across or take a walk. Because I do not have time for small talk or meeting talk. Can you take a little heat? Can you take a little heat can you take a little heat have you ever had somebody who just knocked you off your feet can you take a little heat

can you stand a little pain have you ever found somebody who just walked away just walked away, just walked away Say okay What bands are you into? Me too, me too, me too, me too, me too, me too, me too, me too Do you like Ethiopian food? Me too, me too, me too, me too, me too, me too, me too. Do you like Ethiopian food?

Me too. Is your dad a drunk? Mine is nice. Why is your heart so fucked up that you have to troll around on this stupid fucking website? Did you take a little heat? Did you take a little heat? Did you finally find somebody who just knocked you off your feet? Did you take a little heat?

Did you stand a little pain? Did you finally find somebody? Then they walked away. They walked away. They walked away. I'd say okay. Karen Kilgara, Chris Fairbanks, Jordan Morris, I'm Jesse Thorne. Jordan, Jesse, go. Bye, everybody. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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