Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 298: White Noise with Matt Mira

Episode Date: November 4, 2013

Comedian and podcaster Matt Mira joins Jesse and Jordan for a discussion of Jesse and Theresa's new baby, Jordan's Haunted Hayride trip, and Matt's enthusiasm for model trains.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I just right at the top of the program. Sure.

I want to thank everyone. I have gotten so many emails, so many tweets, so many Facebook messages, Facebook wall posts. Really sweet, thoughtful stuff. Just people enjoying your blacklist recaps. You've been doing a great job on those, by the way. I was building towards a punchline of my own. Oh, okay. But I appreciated your punchline. Sorry, sorry.

Do you want to just reset? Yeah, let's just go ahead. Let's just touch on the top. Let's just go to the top. And then the audience can say which one they thought was funnier. Okay. Okay. First of all, right at the top of the program, which is where we are right now.

Sure. Nothing has happened. I want to go ahead. No one made a hilarious joke. And thank all of the people, all of the listeners out there who sent me really sweet, thoughtful emails, letters, notes, notes on the forum, Facebook messages, Twitter messages about my comments last week about how much I hate crows. It turns out a lot of other people out there also really hate crows.

Yeah. No one defended crows. I think it's one of those things where people were feeling... I think it's in association with the Jim Crow law. Hold on. Who are you? See what I mean? Who is this?

I don't know what I did. This is a real ramshackle show we're starting here. Oh, Jesus. Guys, if I have opportunity to make a Jim Crow law joke, I'm going to fucking take the shot. You should. Yeah. I mean, you are. If we learned anything from Glid Gary Glid Ross.

You are the Dick Gregory of our generation. Thank you. I mean, I guess we don't have to say his name since we already said Dick Gregory of his generation. Yeah, but I'll say it just in case anybody out there is from a previous generation. You know him from the smash hit podcast, The Nerdist.

You know him from writing for television and appearing on television. His name is Mr. Matt Myra. Thank you guys for having me. I'm sorry I spoke early. It's fine. But again, how many times a week? Sure. The answer's three. Apologize

to Jordan. I mean, he probably had another punchline that he wanted to throw in right before my punchline. Jordan, I'm so sorry. Thank you. Let's just talk about crap. Stop stepping on my intrusions. That is my claim to fame.

Intruding on podcasts. Good. I have a feeling since 2008, throughout the course of this show, we will not finish one story. That's my prediction. I do. In all sincerity, I thank you to everybody who sent me a nice note about the baby.

My wife, for those of you who don't know, a week ago, my wife had our second child. His name is Oscar. He was seven pounds, two ounces, which is a question

that everyone asks you without exception. Yeah, I feel like that, I always am curious as to why. They want to know how stretched out your wife's lady parts are. But I guess there's also nothing else about a baby other than how much it weighs. Yeah, I think that's essentially like –

That's the thing about a baby. How's its crying timber? You can't ask is it developmentally – does it appear to be developmentally disabled at this point? Because you might not even know yet. Yeah. So all that's left is poundage. Sure. Length of baby.

Because I guess you could say, oh, congratulations on the baby, but it seems insensitive to move on. You know, I think if your mom was here, your mom is a lactation counselor. Sure. She probably would have a lot of great questions. Is he taking to the breast? How's the latch? Sure. That's what she would probably ask. Is it a tight seal? How's his latch?

What brand of pump is your wife using? If she's using a pump. Yeah, if she's pumping. Yeah. My wife's not pumping. So the baby is... It's free-flowing on its own? Oh yeah, it's great. It's coming right out. Right into the baby's mouth. He's aflowing on its own? Oh, yeah. It's great. It's coming right out. Right into the baby's mouth. He's a natural rooter then. Yeah, he is.

We're going to make a million in the truffle business. Right. You're going to send him out into the woods. Yeah. Who needs one of those trained pigs? It's about time. As Marc Maron is to coffee, you guys will be to truffle. Anyway, thank you.

Thank you, everybody. It was really um it was really nice of you to say everything that you did a lot of people just figured it out from the context that we ran our live show last week yeah um so thanks everybody it was very very nice of you here's a question you had a live show on standby for the baby that's great yeah we did yeah it's fantastic thinking well i mean it's a it's a little bit old. So, you know, it's basically a lot of, like, speculation. Referencing of Jim Crow law in the time of Jim Crow. Well, can Vin Diesel do it a third time with Riddick?

Yeah. Was a big. Answers, yes. How long did that take? Five minutes, right? I mean, the degree to which he'd knock it out of the park, I think, was what we were discussing. We talking 450 or just a little looper over the wall? Here's a question that's not about the baby's weight. Matt, for your benefit, we were discussing.

267. Okay. When you were born. Yes. Okay. How was your mom's vagina after that? Oh, not great. I didn't see a lot of love in their eyes when they looked at each other.

A little beat up. Yeah, you could use it as a fumigation tent afterwards. Gross. Wow. We were talking on the show... The miracle of life, Jordan. The miracle of life. You just saved us,

Matt. You're welcome. We were discussing on the show Jesse and Teresa's doula was encouraging them to consume the placenta in some way. I think that's what maybe I think what our audience wants to know is, did Teresa or did you and Teresa both eat the placenta? Well, I'll tell you what, the baby was due on the 4th of November and was born on something like the 27th of October. I don't remember. A Friday. Let's just say a Friday, early Friday morning.

Sure. You were mad because he interrupted Grimm. Yeah, exactly, which I watch every Friday morning at 3.30. You DVR it. Yeah, sure. Our doula was actually out of town. We had no doula. Oh, my gosh.

We had to have an emergency. That seems a little irresponsible for the doula to go out of town that close to crunch time. There was a backup doula. Oh, okay. She was also unavailable. She had just had like a marathon 40-hour birth that day. Wow. So we-

Sure. Third stringer. We had a baby with a third string doula. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah. We had a Steve Bono situation. If I might draw a parallel to the San Francisco 49ers, circa Joe Montana.

And yeah, it was intense. It was really, you know, as you know, I loved Cindy the doula. Sure. I got no beef with Cindy the doula. Well, besides her insistence on giving us quinoa-based foods after the birth. Going into a birth, though, you have to look at the doula depth chart. Right. And if you're happy with your second stringer, you better be happy with your third stringer.

Right. Are you guys both in a fantasy doula league? Of course we are. Yeah. Your office is a rotisserie league. I think I may have done a fantasy doula segment on Sklarbro country at some point. Anyway, I unfortunately had just traded my second string doula for a kicker. Someone who kicks the baby.

Yeah. To teach it the baby. Yeah. To teach you about karate. Yeah, so third string doula. Karate's heavier punching. Sure, sure. Third string doula. I'll tell you, like, my wife's water broke. Uh-huh.

Which, with Simon, the water broke when, during delivery at some point. You know, we were already in the hospital, the water broke during delivery at some point. You know, we were already in the hospital when the water broke. And the water breaking, that's like the main pregnancy thing that they show in a movie. Of course. Is someone going, ah, my water broke. But what... Like during a stressful situation. We've all seen Nine Months with Hugh Grant and Robert Williams.

Right. We know what that's like. During a stressful situation, I think you're just describing peeing yourself. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm – right? That's what that is, right? No, it's a different thing. I was on that long car ride once and my water broke.

I mean – Oh, no. If you're real hydrated, it could look like water. Technically, Jordan, both are stressful situations. I mean, childbirth is no walk in the park. No. I'm talking about a nice relaxing park. Right.

Well, I had a stressful situation watching nine months. I mean, when Hugh Grant, a middle-aged guy, tried to get on rollerblades. Good Lord. San Francisco has never seen anything sillier. Yeah. We got all those hills. Her water broke at 3.30 in the morning, and it was – we didn't go to the hospital until 10 o'clock at night. And the doula came over and the doula, you know, the third string doula, whose name I want to say was Elizabeth.

That's how close I am to this woman. I don't remember. I like the idea that the third string doula is just like a male teamster. It's like, hey, guys. What do we got going on here? Oh, I'm so glad I could pick up this shift. Okay, if we go any longer, I'm going to get a meal penalty. You know, I haven't been working in a while, so this is great.

This doula's in Steve Adore's local 204. He's like, okay, I don't know if this will help. I'm going to erect a scaffolding. Don't know what that'll do. But the doula did have, because basically my wife was having relatively frequent contractions, but they weren't settling into a pattern, which is what happens before the baby's born. So what they say that is- You can just confuse them for kegels. Yeah, exactly. She happens before the baby's born. So what they say that is... You can just confuse them for kegels.

Yeah, exactly. She has some amazing kegels. She's been doing kegels. Sure. You gotta firm that up. You gotta firm it up. Yeah. So the doula had her on our sofa with her knees down on, like, essentially all fours with her knees and feet down on the seat of the sofa

and her arms and elbows on the floor. Okay. Facing forward, doing like butt shaking to try and shake the baby into place. Okay. And there was this one point, and then this wasn't working. I don't know why I was so quick to be like, this makes perfect sense. Yeah, yeah, this checks out. This is how a baby's born, for all I know.

Well, apparently what happens is the baby gets caught up on the spine. So you want to make sure that you're face forward so that the baby's falling away from the spine. So then she's doing this thing with a rebozo. Do you guys know what a rebozo is? Sure do. Okay. You know what a rebozo is. Tell me with a rebozo. Do you guys know what a rebozo is? Sure do. Okay. You know what a rebozo is. Tell me what a rebozo is.

Isn't it the half ball? No, no. A half ball is a different thing. Oh. Then I don't know what a rebozo is. We do have a birthing ball. Okay. A rebozo is a Central American childbirth cloth.

Well, that was my second guess. Just imagine a long dishcloth. And she sort of, she put it under, draped it, Teresa's on all fours. She puts it under Teresa's pregnant belly, lifts it up, sort of like an Operation Dumbo drop type situation. Of course. And then. Say no more. Ray Liotta's there.

Then gives it the old. Then gives it the old. Just there for a paycheck though. Clearly phoning it in. Shimmy Jimmy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sort of like one of those.

Yeah, Shimmy Jimmy. One of those like 1940s weight loss machines. Of course. Cellulite redistributor. I'm familiar with the Carousel of Progress. Yeah. And that was fine. I had to. I'm,'m you know that's fine and all this is all

this is standard so far right like you yes all this seemed normal yes absolutely all this is perfectly normal until the part where she's like there's one thing about doulas that i didn't know the first time is that they just go home after a while and say i'm gonna come back in a certain amount of time because you know they gotta go take they gotta get their after a while and say, I'm going to come back in a certain amount of time. Because, you know, they got to go take, they got to get their lunch break in and all that. So she just says. Their union, of course. Yeah.

So she says, I'm just going to go home. Give me a call when you guys are ready to go to the hospital. You'll know. Okay. Okay, Elizabeth. That's cool. Whatever. And she says, here, use this rebozo on Teresa.

Just put it down there. Give it to your old Jimmy Jimmy. Yeah. And then she says, just be sure to bring it to the hospital with you because I might need it. And then she says, you know what? I'm going to hang on to it. She didn't trust me with it. She didn't trust you with the rebozo.

She didn't trust me to bring it. She thought I was going to steal her rebozo. She didn't trust me. She didn't trust you with the rebozo. She didn't trust me to bring it. She thought I was going to steal her rebozo. She thought I was in this whole thing. She thought I'd knocked up my wife. Just for a free rebozo. Yeah, exactly. What's a rebozo go for these days? On the black market?

Plenty, Jordan. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you can even get your hands on a rebozo. Sure. I'm talking about a genuine, not a counterfeit. Most people think black market baby is the way to go. The rebozo is worth far more.

Sure. Yeah. People are getting the baby to get the rebozo. Healthy Caucasian male? No, no, no. The rebozo. Yeah. Get that rebozo.

Bose that Bose. Anyway, it was interesting. We had a hospital birth, and we played our own music. We didn't have music last time, but everybody said, play your own music, play our own music. We didn't have music last time, but everybody said, you know, play your own music, play your own music. So I got one of those little speakers, you know what I'm talking about. I'm more excited than I should be to find out what you played. Yeah, well, that's the thing.

I was really excited. What happened is Teresa woke up at 3.30 in the morning, you know, and she said, you know, it's going to be a while. Go back to sleep. I'm going to need you later, basically. And so I slept until 6.30 or 7. And when I woke up, it was clear that it was not imminent. And because it was, you know, a week and a half, two weeks before the due date, I had not put together the playlist.

Of course. So I was just like, hey, sweetie. Just go on Spotify. Pick the all sissy bounce Spotify playlist. You can hang out up here and, you know, prepare your body to expel a human into the world. I'll be downstairs making a mixtape. So, yeah, I went downstairs. I just tried to pick all of the happy non-rap music on my computer, basically.

All right. So, you know, what would you say? We're talking about Curtis Mayfield, The Impressions. We're talking about Stevie Wonder. We're talking about Al Green. Nice. You know, stuff like that. I would think that, I guess, I mean, when I think about

if I were having the baby. Of course. If this was a junior situation. I want to just propose a junior situation here. I guess I would be thrown off by something with lyrics. I guess I would want all instrumentals. I mean, Teresa told me that afterwards that she did not even really realize there was music playing. Yeah.

It's not for her or you. It's for the baby. Sure. Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah. You could have gotten like the bluegrass inspiration. You know, those bluegrass covers of like Metallica. There's the Katy Perry bluegrass cover of the album.

I have to say there was two nice ways that it worked out. One was I was playing it off of my wife's old iPod shuffle and I had to reformat it. She found it in a drawer.

Had to reformat it then figure out how to put a Zune playlist on it, which turns out to be a little complicated. But then I was like, well, as long as I got this, Teresa can just have this in her car, and I'll put some more albums on it and stuff like that. But it turns out that on an old iPod shuffle, which I didn't know, you can't shuffle a playlist. You can only shuffle the full contents of the whole thing.

So I had all these albums on there that you wouldn't want to listen to while you were giving birth. The iPod of the namesake is the least capable at shuffling? Wait, it was a Nano. Okay. Nano. The one with the little tiny screen, the Nano with a little tiny screen. I'm talking about three, four years old. So I put that on there, but then, so it had to run in order. But when the baby was born, it was, as the baby was born, it started off on Sunshine of My Life. And literally as the baby finished being born, it was Isn't She Lovely? Hey.

Which was pretty good. I mean, that's pretty solid performance for my playlist. The other nice thing about it was the doctors, you know, the doctors aren't really in there very much. They just kind of come in, sort of stick a finger in your wife. Sure, and then they go off to play golf, right? Yeah, pretty much. They kind of go, eh, eh, you know, and then they just go. I'm disappointed for the audience.

They couldn't see your finger diddling motion. No, no. It was all said with, eh, meh. It's a team of two doctors. One of them standing behind the other. It was Dr. Kim was the one that was standing behind. And then Dr. I can't remember, Cruz or something like that. These guys are just like 31-year-old guys, like maybe a 31 and a 27.

They're just kind of breezing in like, you know? I like telling you, you know, you'd think I'd see more vagina at work, but I'm very popular off here. Yeah. Am I crazy? I didn't love gravity. You know, I had some problems with the science. I was a minor in physics. They, like, a couple times, the doctors and the nurses turned to me and said,

hey, like in the middle of an examination, said, hey, cool music. I'm like, let's focus on my wife's parts. Let's focus in on the life being brought into the world. I'd rather focus on this trumpet part. Nice horn parts. I mean, you know, you're going to move on up. At one point, keep on pushing played. Yeah, that's fun.

I was really happy about that. You're a playlist genius. That was really good. That was really solid. But anyway, it was 24 hours, all told, 25-ish. But everyone was healthy. Nobody got hurt. It was really great. Placenta consumption? Oh. So here's the thing. Okay. Also, a quick question about placenta consumption. It's just for the mother to eat.

They don't encourage you to also eat placenta, right? the mother to eat. They don't encourage you to also eat placenta, right? I think they feed it to a mother cat. No. I think it's for the... Here's the thing. Okay. It's sort of hoodoo,

so I think you get different opinions on it. Sure. Because some people want to plant it into a tree. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I would have done. I understand the symbolism of that. That, to me, seems the most sensible, quirky placenta use. Nice Douglas fir.

You guys got a Christmas tree in Florida. This time of year, I think a lot of people want to use it for Halloween. Yeah. You carve it? You carve it like a jack-o'-lantern? Yeah, sure. Carve it? Carve it like a jack-o'-lantern? Yeah, sure.

So what happened is third string doula, while Teresa's laboring, you know, sort of in between contractions, but still, she brings this up. She says, so what do you guys want to do about this placenta? And then Teresa's like, oh, hold on. What were we talking about? Oh, right. The placenta. And she says, well, you know, Cindy was going to encapsulate it. And we're like, yeah, you know, Cindy offered to encapsulate it for us for free. And the third string doula says, oh, you know, I would charge you for it.

And apparently it cost $200. Which actually seemed, frankly, seemed like a pretty reasonable rate to me. When you say encapsulate a placenta, do you put it like a freeze? I think they freeze dry it. Remember those old pen holders that were like aquariums? Oh, you mean in like acrylic resin. Yes. Like that's what I'm assuming you're meaning.

Right. That's how I would encapsulate anything. Like a paperweight with a stamp inside. Yeah, no, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about into like a vitamin capsule. Ah. I prefer mine. Right?

Yeah. That is pretty good. It would make a nice paperweight. It would be great. I mean, imagine how many papers you could weigh down. All of them? With a paperweight that huge. Yeah, all the papers in your house.

Yeah. So as soon as Teresa found out it was $200, which again, I mean, considering the freeze drying, the encapsulating, the whole operation, she just went, no. No, thank you. And continued to have the baby. Yeah, and just continued to have the baby. It was pretty great. I was really impressed by it.

I mean, it's a really impressive thing. You know, like by the end of it, I mean, I had these, what was weird about it is, last time around, the doula was doing a lot of the work. So she's walking Teresa around, putting Teresa in different birthing positions, giving Teresa these special massages, you know, that adjust her pelvis. I'm just talking about, you know, hand jobs.

Yeah. She's giving her these special massages all this shit I hear it's relaxing for a woman to give a hand job it's like that repetitive motion

sure really gets that baby in the right position I'll tell you sure yeah it's like folding laundry you know it gives you

something to focus on the new doula the new doula was a little I think a little resident reticent to get up in our business. Yeah.

So I was basically on duty for- The entire time. 16 hours straight outside of the playlist time. Yeah. And I had these welts on my arm. I mean, Teresa was gripping my arm so hard that I thought I might have to tell her not to. Yeah, I was thinking about, I was imagining that happening as you were saying it. And what a dick you would have to be to say, hey, that hurts.

Yeah, I know. Whoa, ow. But that's where I was at. I was just right on the edge of like, this has gone from hurting to hurting bad to hurting really bad. And so I'm kind of, I was doing to me and then she started doing it to the, to the side rail of the bed rather than my arm. Yeah. But, you know, I mean, there's a lot of like, look in my eyes, like, let's get, come back here, come back here, you know, like let's, it is fucking the, I mean, by far the most intense thing, I mean, not even close. But what's crazy about it is after the baby comes out, which is this unimaginable miracle in which Teresa is screaming, screaming, you know, the F word. Look, I don't like to use that kind of language on this show. Please don't.

Yeah. F word. I mean, just— You don't want this to air during kind of language on this show. No, please don't. F word. I mean, just- You want this to air during prime time. Blood curdling. I mean, look, I get migraine headaches. I know about pain. Sure.

I know about pain that leaves me like in a heap vomiting on the floor on myself. You know what I mean? But this is way more than that. I can tell. way more than that. I can tell. And what's crazy is the baby comes out, and then they put the baby in Teresa's arms,

and it's like there was no... Baby. It's like there was no baby that just came out of her. Like, it just, it turns in a second. In a second. It is the most amazing thing you've ever seen that our bodies have. Now, why they don't do that before? I couldn't tell you.

So very similar to when she stopped grabbing your arm. Yeah. Just like that. Yeah, exactly. Your pain was gone. It's a really, I mean, it's an amazing thing. And then, so we finished up at 4, 4.30 at the hospital. I went home and slept like two and a half hours, three hours.

And then I had a live bullseye at KPCC that night at 8. Jesus. But thankfully, our friend and past guest June Diane Rayfield was the first guest on the show. And she just came on and was really funny, and I didn't have to do anything. Great. She's great. Yeah. She's the best, right?

She just came on, did some stuff, and then Bill Hader was on the show. Sure. And Bill just came on and I asked him some dumb questions, and he just said some really funny stuff that he and John Mulaney thought of one time. You know what I mean? He just recounted some times that he and John Mulaney thought of some really funny shit. Do you think you maybe will ask June to be the doula next time? I think June would make a nice doula.

Yeah. June got – actually, we were backstage at KPCC, which is to say the green room, quote, unquote, at KPCC is just the cubicles. Like you just go into the office. And we were standing there and chatting about it. And she said to me – she's married to comedian Paul Scheer, for those who don't know, another past guest on this program. She said, Paul told me that when babies are born, they're covered in fur. Is that true? Which was the most magical moment in my life.

Yes, they are. Yes, they totally are actually covered in fur. She would have to ask that. But it was just the greatest, it was just the most lovely moment. I felt like, I felt so close to being a doula, a real doula, like I've always dreamed of being. Someday. One of these days. Do you think you're discriminated against as a male trying to get into doula-ing?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I mean, the whole field of midwif to get into doula-ing. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I mean, the whole field of midwifery is very hostile to the male. Sure, yeah. Have you ever heard, Matt, do you know about this thing called song poems? No, but I want to. Okay, so there, look, let's take a quick break. When we come back, I'll tell you about song poems and midwifery.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica. Sergio Diaz plays in a band called Os Mutantes. His life was changed the first time he heard Elvis Presley. The great thing in the world, it is to discover. I mean, there's nothing better. I'm Jesse Thorne. My show Bullseye is about discovery. We help you find the best music, the best movies, the best books,

and we talk to the people who make them. It's Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morse, Boy Detective. Matt Meyer, Guy. Okay, Matt. This is what a song poem is.

I'm going to break this down for you real quick, since we've already covered the miracle of life. Done. That's been solved. So you're telling me we're going to describe two miracles in this program? Yes. All right. Here we go. A song poem is basically... And we're all going to sing the Insane Cloud

Posse song, Miracles. In the back of a magazine, like a general interest magazine, like a people, there would be an advertisement that said songwriters wanted... Slow down. I know exactly what you're talking about now. Oh, okay. That is fantastic.

Should we explain it for the audience or just shut it down here? I don't know if they need to know. I don't need it. They can Google it. Go ahead. Continue for the audience. Yeah, sure. How about this?

Lindsay, our producer, do you know about song poems? She doesn't know about song poems. She doesn't know. She definitely does not pull that up on Wikipedia. I'm going to explain to Lindsay about what a song poem is. So basically, there would be a songwriters wanted ad in the back of a general interest magazine. Please send in your lyrics.

No matter what the people sent in, they would send back a letter that said, we're really interested. We want to cut a demo. And so we have talented writers of melodies. We want to cut a demo so that we can shop it to song publishing companies. So essentially what they would do

is they would sort of overcharge for the demo cutting, and these bands, led by a songwriter, would get in the studio and write and record songs for crazy people's, I mean, the people who think that this is how they're going to become a famous songwriter, crazy people's lyrics. They'd record 25 songs a day. The bands are on speed, too. Yes. That's 25 songs a day the bands are on speed too yes bands are on speed that's why they can do this and um and so and then they would actually record them make pressings of these albums and send them to the people so there are people who collect these records because they're so insane and they're called song poems. There's this guy called Rod Keith who is like the legend of song poem songwriting.

And what's amazing is that these are these songs that he wrote on speed in 10 minutes and then recorded in an analog in 90 minutes or something like that total uh which are like inter like the best of them are pretty good pop rock records or they did all different genres uh and each person did every different genre and they have lyrics that are completely insane and one of them two of them actually, are about the first male midwife, which I did not mean to. I was not leading into this. So here's the thing. There's one about the first man in midwifery. And then 10 years later, the guy had them re-record it about the first man in midwifery.

Because everyone was bugging him about the error in pronunciation. He was positive that's why it hadn't taken off. Yeah, I think so. Anyway, we all have an artist inside of us. That's the lesson of that whole situation. You can find these song poems on the internet, correct?

Oh yeah, absolutely. The modern version of this is like a Rebecca Black, right? Or Chinese food. Sure. Did you see the new one? No, I haven't. There's a new one called Chinese food.

Okay. Yeah, it's a lot like Rebecca Black with more racial discomfort. Oh, good. That was my problem with Rebecca Black. With all the racial discomfort that wasn't in the first one. Oh, good. Yeah. Because that was my problem with the original one.

Let's just say- Okay, this is cute. This is funny. There's a giant man in a panda suit. Great. And they dance around and then they play Monopoly. And at one point, the panda guy takes off his hat, makes squinty eyes, and then aggressively purchases Oriental Place on the Monopoly board.

Wow. Yeah. And does he karate chop the board afterwards? There was no karate in that. They miss out. And does he karate chop the board afterwards? There was no karate in that. They miss out.

Did you, was this by the, do the guys who, that weird rap rock band who recorded Asian Girls? Yusuf? Yeah. Yeah. Matt Myra's ready for that. Right. Yusuf? Yeah.

Yusuf? I think you're talking about Yusuf. Maybe you've heard of the Velvet Underground? Sure. Or Yusuf? Well, we all did this week. The Velvet Underground? Sure. Or Yusuf? Well, we all did this week.

It's not been a good couple months for racial tolerance as it relates to the Asian community on the internet. Yeah, no. I feel like every time you think we're doing okay with them, suddenly it rears its ugly head. But I recommend everybody watch that Chinese food video. Okay. Just get it stuck in your head. It literally goes, Chinese food. So now you all have that ear bug.

Enjoy it. You're a really gifted singer. Oh, thank you. I've been waiting for someone to say that. Would you like to record some of my poems I've written? Have you ever thought about just becoming a singer? No. I know you have a successful career as a television writer, podcast host.

I should throw it all away. Yeah. You're right. I should become a singer. I can't actually sing very well, and I don't- Hey, Matt, don't just throw it all away. I'd say fuck it. I play guitar, too, which is the part that annoys me that I can't sing.

Matt, I couldn't help but notice when you were singing previously, you didn't have your hand on your ear. That's probably why I'm not a professional singer. You should put, if you did that, I mean, as good as you were without your hand on your ear, I think. I'm going to try it. Okay. Hang on. Okay. While you're doing this, I want Lindsay to slide up one of the faders and then give us a thumbs up

yep okay she's doing it chinese food oh man that was better you sound because i was only hearing half of it you sound you went from great to amazing it sounds rich you have a rich vocal quality thank you i from both of you i would appreciate that so go ahead jordan you sound like you have a rich vocal quality. Thank you. Okay, sorry. I forgot to tell you you had a rich vocal quality. I spaced for a second. You sound like the kind of guy who gives out whole candy bars. Oh, I would. At Halloween. Good lord, would I.

Full-size candy bars. If I participated in that sort of thing, I would do that. You don't. No, I don't. You're a Christian scientist. Seventh-day Adventist is actually... There's only a few of us that are saved, and I'm sorry, you guys. How do you think Scientology feels about Halloween? Great. Yep. Seventh-day Adventist is actually who doesn't do it. There's only a few of us that are saved, and I'm sorry, you guys. How do you think Scientology feels about Halloween? Great. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a vehicle for films. At my son's preschool, they do not celebrate Halloween. Really? Orange Day. Ooh. Excuse me? That, to me, that sounds...

Is that just like a fall festival? I feel like there was always, like, the church on, you know, who thought Halloween was evil would have Harvest Festival. And then try and convince you that that was as fun as Halloween. Like, fucking who needs... Come in here, learn about gourds, sit on some hay. Come on, learn about gourds, kids. Yeah. Gourds are where it's at. What happens on orange

day you just watch orange is the new black yes just children in blackface they all dress as their favorite character the whole just the whole day is just them watching orange is the new black and the first half of the day is just all of the teachers being like, it gets better. It gets better. Give it. You get really invested in the secondary characters. What's the premise of Orange Day? The kids wore orange. Oh.

Is that it? That's about, to be fair, I mean, I will credit them with this. That's about what the kids can wrap their heads around. Yeah. I mean, I guess. We're talking about two and three year olds. Did you try, like, was black involved, too? Did you go orange and black for the motif,

or was that discouraged? I put it, well, he was wearing orange and black because it's only orange is a San Francisco Giants T-shirt. But they do have, they had on Friday night, they had a Dia de los Muertos festival, which is multicultural. Sure. They had a Dia de los Muertos festival, which is multicultural. Sure.

And some of the signs for the Dia de los Muertos festival said Halloween. So I don't know if Halloween, I think they just, something, there's something is going on. I can't, I can't parse it exactly because in school it was Orange Day. Yeah. Then on Friday evening, which was not Halloween, they, except for a couple of the signs for the Dia de los Muertos Festival, said Halloween Party. What is this preschool? It's a very confusing preschool. I know. Yeah, that's their motto.

Learning through confusion. What's their, like, what's... They'll just randomly throw down a smoke bomb every now and then and the kids will have to find their way out of the room. What is the lunch situation usually there? Are they like, this is where food comes from, here's some vegetables, et cetera. Wait, this is where food comes from? Are you suggesting that every day at lunch they like slaughter a hog?

I'm actually even presupposing that they don't even eat meat there. You think they have a farm? It sounds like the presupposing that they don't even eat meat there. You think they have a farm? It sounds like the kind of place where they go picking. No, this is a very low-key school. This is not a... Look, I visited this school. We talked about this a couple weeks ago on the show. I visited

this school because I heard, I had heard, and now I believe, perhaps incorrectly, that they had a goat. And I was like, any school that has- It turns out they just have a moat. Well, they don't. They had a goat.

To keep out the huns. They had a goat, Jesse. And then they taught them where food comes from. Right, yeah. Instead of fucking stoat. What's a Matt Myra typically do on Halloween? You were saying how you kind of had to work through- What kind of preschool do you go to, Matt?

Yeah, I went to the Y preschool back in Lowell, Massachusetts. But Halloween this year, I was working. We had a Halloween episode at midnight where Chris dressed as William Zabka from Karate Kid. You're a writer on the new hit television program, At Midnight on Comedy Central, which I have watched and it is very funny. It is a fast-paced, action-packed half hour of some scripted comedy. Unceasing jokes. Yes. Just joke after joke after joke after joke.

We want to hit you over the head. We want you to know what it's like to be in a writer's room with Blaine Kapach. We'll hit you over the head. We want you to know what it's like to be in a writer's room with Blaine Kepach. It's a little bit like watching an English comedy panel show with everything that's not a joke edited out. You're 100% correct as far as that's – I think that's the idea that they were going for anyway. English panel shows are great, and I feel like there should be more of them over here. Yeah.

And whenever they end up like, you know, Chelsea is not for me. I love a lot of people that work on there, but that's the topic they're talking about. Sure. Generally, I'm not really into. But this show, the way it looks at the internet. You don't feel like nips should be slipping. Right. I don't need to know about that. Yeah.

Nor do I care if it is slipping. You're just saying that because you have super slippery nips. The slipperiest. How did you know? You've got a rep. I like a good dry fit shirt. Yeah, old slip nip. Slip nip.

But yeah, no, it's a great show and we get to like sort of like what I like more than sort of like we do have celebrity content on there like

if someone does something on the internet that's crazy like Guy Fieri getting into that fight with his hairdresser. Wait, what? Of course we had to cut that. You didn't? No, tell them. You weren't aware of that story? Tell them about that. crazy, like Guy Fieri getting into that fight with his hairdresser. Wait, what? Of course we had to cut that.

You didn't? No, tell us. You weren't aware of that story? Tell us about that. Well, apparently at San Francisco airport, Guy Fieri got into a fist fight with his hairdresser, with his longtime hairdresser, while he was in an SUV. So there is video of it on TMZ. But all you can really see is some of him punching and kicking at the guy while the hairdresser gentleman is screaming at the top of his lungs at Guy Fieri.

He was just insisting that his tips should not be more frosted. And Guy Fieri's like, frost them till I say stop. Of course. I think they're constantly perfectly frosted tips. But the staggering thing about that is that he travels with that hairdresser. The man travels with the hairdresser to the airport. Sure. And then they fist fight.

That's real. Personal hairdressers are real. They are. Because my Aunt Claudia, we've talked about my Aunt Claudia, her brother was Wesley Snipes' personal hairdresser. Wow. Wesley Snipes barely gets a haircut. But it's a very tight haircut. It's got to get a regular trim. They probably have similar needs, Wesley Snipes barely gets a haircut. But it's a very tight haircut. He's got to get a regular trim.

They probably have similar needs, Wesley Snipes and Guy Fieri. There's some blonding. I did this morning. I was watching the Flippin' the Channels. Diners, Drivers, and Dives was on. Sure. I turned that on after the gym, and he's slowly developing more. We should explain.

This is a Food Network show that's hosted by Wesley Snipes. Yes, of course. In character as Blade. Yes. No. He goes around. He tastes comfort food. He hunts vampires.

In the first season. In the second season, replaced him with Omar Epps. No one noticed. I love a good Major League joke. Yeah. But he's slowly gaining more uh jewelry throughout the episodes like he had a giant giant gold watch on uh pinky ring thumb ring and then all of the bracelets that uh that i really don't think anyone should be wearing anymore and you can't see it but you know he's got

a cock ring oh he must he's got he must he's got see it, but you know he's got a cock ring. Oh, he must. He must. He's got it on at all times. I fear he's got a golden cock. I actually had a little bit of a Halloween adventure this year, guys. Really? While you were working and you were tending to your wife who had just had a baby, I went to the Haunted Hayride.

You guys heard of this Haunted Hayride? It's a Los Angeles institution, the Haunted Hayride. I have never heard of the haunted hayride except for seeing billboards of it and wondering what the fuck could that possibly be? Well, what it is is you drive up into Griffith Park. And it's kind of up

by where that weird abandoned zoo is. Of course. And you get into a hayride. It's a big thing of hay that's pulled by a tractor. Where did that start? And why is it called – is the hay just there to cushion you? Is that why it was always called a hayride?

You sit on the hay. I think it was like a folksy thing that a bored southern child would look forward to. Guys, Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation explained this to me the other day on Bullseye. So they're bailing the hay at that time of year. Okay. Because it's, you know, it's after the harvest, they bail the hay once the grass dries or whatever. And so there's a flatbed truck being pulled by the tractor that's covered in hay. The flatbed truck's covered in hay. The flatbed truck's covered in hay.

So all the kids pile up on top of the hay. Oh. So it's like a seasonal thing. Okay. And then you go around, you drive around, and you see what's going on, and you visit your neighbors and that kind of thing. You see what's going on.

You give them some hay. Yeah. Your neighbors are horses, too, in that scenario. We should also explain that. Sorry, I left that part out. I should have said that. The horse is sometimes by itself. You know what? Should should we stop down and then you can just say that it's an anthropomorphic situation so in this scenario you're a huge rabbit oh that's fantastic yeah

uh so what you do is you sit on this hayride and it pulls you up into into the bowels of griffith park and there's all these little haunted scenes that it stops by. What is powering this? Are you being, is it an actual tractor? An actual tractor. That's great. An old man is driving a tractor.

And Griffith Park is a huge urban park in Los Angeles, one of the biggest urban parks, maybe the biggest urban park in the country. And it's like, there are parts of it that, like the Los Angeles Zoo is there, the Greek theater is there, but also there are parts of it that are just fully, just no roads go to it. There's just full-on wilderness in Los Angeles. Anytime you want to see it, just look for an outdoor scene on Frasier whenever they're walking the dog, whenever they're out at a company picnic. That's where it was shot. So, yeah. So you're driving kind of up in this area and you stop by these haunted scenes.

The theme this year was like real life true crime instances. So there was a – Oh, my God. I love that. So there's a Ted Bundy thing and a – there's like a zombie John Lennon who walks by and then he turns around and his eyes light up. I'm less into that now. I was just assuming it was just all of the great Los Angeles true crimes. Yeah, there's no Black Dahlia.

Disappointing. And it got me thinking about the phenomenon of the serial killer nerd. And I was thinking like, oh, I bet I would get all of this if I was a serial killer nerd. And then I'm like, wait, there's totally serial killer nerds. Oh, of course there are. And I'm actually surprised that you aren't one of them. I find that a lot of— I've dated most of them.

I find that a lot of comedians, that's a weird sort of obsession. Yeah, I don't get it myself. It's too spooky. I don't know what it is. I think it's just the goal of understanding brain function. And I think there but for the grace of God go a lot of us.

Like, oh, we're comedy writers, not serial killers. Because just like something happens along that. There's like a turn left instead of right situation. And I think all comedians' lives where they end up going into comedy or serial killing. Which I think is why most people. Both could involve clown makeup. Absolutely. Kumail Nanjiani also is obsessed with serial killers.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, I discuss them a lot. I got to be honest. Every person I've killed, there's been a big time in between. It would be hard to say that they were a series. Yeah. Just, you know, when it strikes you. Right.

Well, it could be like a Sherlock, you know, three at a time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Stop down for a while. And when the opportunity arises or whatever. But it's not a number one. It's not a pattern. Number two, I don't have any followers so you're into serial you're into killing like like james franco is into like performance art right just like when oh but less frequent right yeah much less frequent

yeah i'm no maria abramovich i'm not the maria abramovich of serial of of murders so what's your reaction when you see the John Lennon? I'm not commissioned by major art museums to commit murder. Oh, there's a script in that. There's a script in that. Yeah. Yeah, I thought it was cool. I generally like haunted houses, spooky stuff.

I also went to Universal Halloween Horror Nights this year. Of course. I saw the last performance of the racist Bill and Ted show. Was it a big closing night bash? Well, they canceled it because it was too racist. Did you save the program? No, I didn't. In this performance, the role of Bill will be played by...

Have they been running that continuously for the last 20 years? It changes every year. I should say Universal Studios does a haunted house thing at Halloween. It's very cool. But they have a Bill and Ted spectacular. It's weird because it's run by Universal and they have to, like, do things that they own. So, like, the Bill and Ted show, which probably couldn't be more irrelevant at this point, but they just still do. And it's kind of like a send-up of all the pop culture of the year.

And they just, you know, and it's kind of they do that thing where it's like someone comes on stage and everybody yells, Miley Cyrus. And then they do a little Miley Cyrus sketch. Oh, good lord. Got a little racist this year. Yeah, I read a lot about that. There was Kim Jong-il. There was a gay Superman who everyone beat up, which was not a lot of fun. For being Superman.

Well, for being, yeah, right. They just don't like Kryptonians. They're fine that he's gay. Go back to the bottle city of Kandor. They yelled. So what did you do? Did you enjoy the program? I did not.

I kind of thought, you know, it's usually something that's kind of like goofy. You know, like, ah, ha, ha, isn't this bad? But it was not fun. I was uncomfortable. So are there real Bill and Ted in it? Keanu Reeves and? Alex Winter, yes. Keanu Reeves, no.

I would actually, having met Alex, I would say it would be the other way around. Oh, you think you feel like Alex is more invested in Bill and Ted? I'll do it. Yeah, sure. Man, I read an amazing New York Times... Maybe it was a magazine or maybe it was just in the arts section. I looked it on the website. Profile of Keanu Reeves because he directed a martial arts movie that just came out, I guess.

Yes. Yes. And, I mean, it was just amazing overall. It was just really amazing to see the New York Times try and write a piece about Keanu Reeves in the style of the New York Times. Like they knew that they had to allude to the fact that no one knows whether he's good or bad at acting. Right. But they couldn't get too far into it because that's not their deal. Sure.

That's not what the New York Times is all about. They're not Vulture. Yeah. And I think the person went into it and came out of it still, and I'm inferring this because they can't say it, still baffled as to whether Keanu Reeves is a smart man or some kind of slobbering idiot. It's the great mystery of our time. Yeah. It was great.

He's an outlier. Get Gladwell on. So we did the Haunted Hayride. Haunted Hayride, very fun. On the way back, we passed something that's called the Ghost Train that I had never heard of before. Do you guys know this little railroad museum that they have in Griffith Park? Very familiar with it.

Oh, do I have a two-year-old? Yeah. Ask me that question. Sure. So what they do in Halloween is they set up a ghost train. And there's this little train you can ride around the railroad museum. And it's like a foot off the ground and you squat on it. And there's no rails, but it's...

Hold on. Okay. Jesse? The conductor squats on it and you're there's no rails but it's hold on okay jesse the conductor squats on it okay everybody else sits in a little chair okay it is you wouldn't call it a squat it's a low chair but you're not you're not straddling it it's a it's travel town i was straddling we're talking i was straddling a beam oh were you i was straddling a beam were you? I was straddling a beam. Were you constructing one of the great skyscrapers? I was, yes. I had my lunch pail. Yeah. So this is not something where – this is like for kids.

This is like an early – this is like to introduce kids to the idea of a haunted event. Being terrified for fun. Being terrified, yeah. So you just drive past these little scenes and these are not professionally done but they are enthusiastically done with things you can get at Spencer's Gifts. Like it's like somebody fucking went to Spencer's, blew their wad. So it was Ramones themed? Yeah, exactly. Lots of dice that tell you sex positions.

Yeah, and black light posters that tell you how to mix drinks. Of course. Yes. And then you scream at them. But so yeah, so this is just like all the stuff from the Halloween store. And, you know, there's like a haunted nursery. Weirdly, the blocks in the nursery spelled out cream. What?

I don't know why. There's a haunted nursery. This is not – is this generally something – is this something you would take kids to? There were a lot of kids there, yes. Wow. Jordan, it seems for cash rules everything around me. Oh, okay. Wow.

Jordan, it seems for cash rules everything around me. Oh, okay. Is Travel Town not where Walt Disney was with his daughters where he decided that he needed to build a better park? Oh, I don't know. I believe that is the case. I mean, Travel Town's kind of shitty. To you, I'm a railroad enthusiast. Oh, okay.

I'm waiting for them to get an SD90. Oh, boy. I can't wait. Is that true? It's a hell of a diesel train. Is that real? I would love them to get an SD90. Oh, boy. I can't wait. Is that true? It's a hell of a diesel train. Is that real? I would love them to get an SD90 or a 60. I'd settle for a 60.

Smaller? I used some. Look, I don't think Travel Town is shitty. I think Travel Town is quite nice. There's some real nice trains you can go there. It's great. The other day I was there, I saw Patton Oswalt. There you go.

Hey, Patton Oswalt. He's not on display at Travel Town. He just had his child with him and his wife and daughter. I'll There you go. Hey, Pat Noswalt. He's not on display at Travel Town. He's steam powered though, right? I'll tell you what, I was in Sacramento, the capital of this great state, and I was at, there's a train museum there as well. And when I told the guy that I was from Los Angeles, he got

real excited about Travel Town. It's well known. So we're going through this thing, and there's this ghost train is not well attended. So I'm on the front of this thing. There's a couple of empty beams. I just love the phrase ghost train is not well attended. There's a couple of empty beams, and then there's some people on the back.

There's a couple of empty beams, a couple of children, then a couple of other child molesters. Right, yeah. And I'm like, back off, fellas. They're mine. Batman's mine. There was also a little Deadpool I thought was very cute. I'm sure the kid was too young to know who Deadpool was. Was it Jerry Duggan's kid?

It might have been Jerry Duggan's kid. It could have been. It could have been. I didn't get any of that. Jerry Duggan writes comic books with Brian Posey, and they write Deadpool. They write Deadpool. So we get to this part, and so nothing jumps out at you at this. This is just something where you drive by a spooky scene.

Sometimes there's like a fog machine, and it just looks like it was set up by, you know, the neighborhood horror dad. Sometimes, like, the scenes even conflict. Like, sometimes there was like a clown in the pirate area. So he's like, all right. The cranks of dad. Sometimes, like, the scenes even conflict. Like, there was, like, a clown in the pirate area. So he's like, all right. The cranks of Halloween. Yeah, yeah. Yes, exactly. When you do this, are you going with friends?

Are you sober? Are you on a date? What's going on? Because right now I'm just picturing you going on a tour solo of Los Angeles Halloween-themed attractions. Yeah. Just checking them off the list. Did that racist Bill and Ted?

Did that? It's just Wednesday at two o'clock in the afternoon. You're like, I got to get out there. Friends and sober. I think I'm actually a little susceptible to being afraid. So I'm afraid to go to one of these fucked up in any way because I think it would upset me. Anyway, so I'm on this train and you get to like a railroad crossing part that's just there.

That's just in the regular train. It's not set up for Halloween. And there's a car waiting for it and it flashes its lights and it blows its horn. And that's clearly a thing they set up for Halloween. Something basically exactly like that happens in the Haunted Hay Rides. I'm like, oh, they just do their version of that. Like one of the tractors looks like it's about to hit you and you scream. So this car turns on its lights, blows its horn.

And then I'm like, oh, that's funny. They did their own version of that. And then whoever is driving this car guns it and hits the train. He hit one of the empty cars, but everyone behind us fell off. And then the train stops. And I'm like, what the? Was that supposed to happen? I'm like, did they plan that?

Did this like rinky dink fucking dad Halloween thing plan an auto accident? Grand uncle Halloween thing. And then so they lead every day. Everyone gets off the train. They help everybody up who had been knocked down. Thank God it didn't hit an area with people.

Sure. And we walk by the car and there's just this confused old man driving the car who was probably just a volunteer at train town and we go back and

for our trouble they give us some light up necklaces. And then we got back on and just rode it again you rode it again? yes I spat in death's face yeah

and people were super nonchalant about it they're like okay well that just happened what kind of car are we talking about? Buick Skylark? I mean just like a excellent guess that's exactly what it should have been.

Like a Toyota Corolla. Like the most nondescript. It wasn't like a hearse. It wasn't like. It wasn't a hearse. You know the old man that drives the hearse in Travel Town? Yeah, sure. And he rams trains because he hates them.

It wasn't him. A train killed his wife and he's looking to get revenge. So weird. And like. He just hides the hearse in the shadows of travel town yeah well he schemes one of these days i'll get the jump on one of these trains when we went around his plan was to do it at christmas because it wouldn't be expected but he just couldn't wait when we went around a second time that that part didn't happen there was not a car there that honked at you and

scared you if there was you would have kind of lost your mind, right? Yeah. I would have screamed, yeah. But I would have been just so excited and elated that they had brilliantly planned this whole scenario. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would have been amazing. Were people hurt? No, no one was hurt. Did they have to have a bunch of people put the train back on the track? Yeah, some technicians.

Some burly guys in overalls. But, I mean, this thing is run by volunteers. I mean, think about the man who volunteers to work at Travel Town. That's who's working at this thing. Everyone at Travel Town is 75 years old. Yeah, and loves trains. Guys, in 45 years, boom, I'll be there. There are two groups of people who would volunteer at Travel Town.

75-year-old men. When you're not leading tours through the Dave Matthews experience. I will lead all tours through that. That's amazing. From the age of model railroading and Matt Myra. I love model railroading, guys. N scale. That's my favorite scale.

Really? Yeah. Tell me about the advantages of an N scale. Well, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. It's smaller than an O or obviously a half O or an H. What about an HO? It's a half O.

It's a half O. Oh. It's a half O scale. The N scale is smaller, so you can obviously get a bigger layout in a smaller space, which is handy in apartments. I wouldn't know that. I haven't built one out here. But back in Massachusetts, I had a couple. That sounds like a really good idea. Yeah.

And it leaves more room for you not to have a girlfriend. I guess. I hadn't thought of that, but... I guess it just hadn't come up. You mean a girl

that's a friend, right? the Union Pacific is due to leave, due to pull out of the station. Puts on engineer's hat. Sure. Throws switch.

Pulls out dick. Previously I instructed your listeners to look up the Chinese food video. Forget that and look up excited train guy. Okay. It is a gentleman out in New York who gets so excited by two trains that he sees that it brings me joy and makes me double over with laughter. What does a train guy want to see? Just a type of engine? There was two types of engines that he hadn't seen in a while.

And he goes, my favorite line in the video is, he goes, I have the chills and it has nothing to do with the weather. It sounds like a good guy. It's excellent. And he says nothing can stop a foamer. I don't know if you're familiar with that. That's what train enthusiasts are called, foamers. Because they foam at the mouth when they see a great train?

We call them foamers. I'm just trying to teach. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart,

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Am I a train enthusiast? Not just, I mean, this man, what does he love? We're talking about cooking,

serial killers, serial killers, serial killers. Trains. The Dave Matthews Band. The Dave I didn't know about the Dave Matthews Band.

Sure. DMB especially their drummer Carter Beaufort. Hell of a drummer. That's what I hear. Is Dave Matthews Band still the original lineup?

It is not the original lineup because of the passing of their saxophonist Leroy Moore. Oh dear. In 2008. I'm sorry I brought it up.

I was at the show that happened the night he died. He died in Los Angeles. The night he died, they went on, and they did all of his favorite songs. Oh, geez. And it was a hell of a show at the Stable Center. How about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

But apart from that. Ironically, the guy that replaced him named Jeff Coffin. Jeff Coffin replaced him. Excellent saxophone player in his own right. And then they added a trumpet. I would imagine that the Dave Matthews band. Yeah, didn't need it. Nope.

So you categorize Dave Matthews' input as PT and PT, pre-trumpet and post-trumpet. It's hard. Yes. Excellent trumpet player, Rashawn Ross. Great at arranging music. He helps with a lot of that. But as far as I am concerned, I feel like it's a little excessive. Okay.

You feel like they're showboating. Far be it from Dave Matthews to showboat. You should never have too big of a brass section. Okay. You got it? Got it. Trombone. I play trombone in middle school.

I'd like to see. You're a, I learn something new every time I talk to you, Matt. That's true. Yeah. Most people do. You know what I would like to see instead of the trumpet? Uh-huh. I would like to see the Dave Matthews Band with a full lineup of saxophones.

Oh. You know, get a soprano saxophone. Sure. Oh, yeah. Of course. Soprano, alto, tenor. Baritone. Baritone.

Maybe Dave Coz could sit in. Yeah, absolutely. Just a full, and that way they could harmonize. Well, if you go on YouTube again, you can check out their performance from the Grammys in 2011, I believe. They did You and Me,

which was their single at the time. I love that song. With a, I believe, they did You and Me, which was their single at the time. I love that song. With a, I know you're lying. I literally cannot name one Dave Matthews band song. I really don't know a Dave Matthews band song. Nor should you. It's fine. I know that they went on tour with The Roots one time.

They sure did. Yeah. I saw them on that tour. That was 1999. Okay. There you go. It was a, yeah. I saw them on that tour. That was 1999. Okay, there you go. It was a good tour. Saw them at Foxborough Stadium. I could get the date, but I don't want to weird you guys out more.

Yeah, that would be weird. Please don't. A date? Yeah. What scale were they playing at the time? Was that an HL? That was an O scale. They were larger than life.

Do you get bootlegs and stuff? No. I mean, I did a little bit in the early days. And then they have started this thing where they now will release them professionally off of their board. Okay. And they're called live tracks. TRAX, after the club they used to play in Virginia in the early 90s. Hey, that's fun.

Yeah. Just for me. That's kind of par for the course for your kind of jammy, hippie bands these days, right? Yeah. Like Fish Dad. Fish Dad. Okay. Fish did it first, and they also released a book that you could put everything in.

Okay. Yeah. Are there versions of the songs like transformational, or are they, is it just like, oh, well, this one's got a pretty sweet solo in it? Yeah. I mean, there are some that's like- Because they're pretty straightforward songs, right? I mean, it's just like-

There are, yeah. It's like nice pop rock songs are pretty straightforward songs, right? I mean, it's just like, it's like nice pop rock songs. Yeah. And there's, but they do also, uh, excessive jams, uh,

sometimes. Uh, but there are versions of that, that fans of the band, uh, look for. I think like fish, there's the album version,

which is a nice song. And then they, they, they juice it live. If you thought this song should have been 37 minutes, have we got a show for you. Sure. Yeah, but there's like the big famous one is Two Step in the Rain is what it's called. It's a song called Two Step and it was raining at Giant Stadium.

And then supposedly the rain stopped at the perfect moment in the song. And it's like a 22-minute thing. Sure. Kids love that i would enjoy watching that if two step in the rain was actually a version of r kelly stepping into heaven because that's my and then at the at the exact right moment r kelly ascended into heaven that would be great to be with people to be with the lord by i mean it's inevitable it's inevitable right he will ascend into heaven.

I think he'll be the first one raptured. Happy People by R. Kelly is one of my favorite songs. It was on the birth playlist. And it's like eight or ten minutes long. And literally the last three or four minutes is just the song playing while he just credits. He basically reads the album credits over. And he's like, and our night engineer is so and so. And then in the studio you hear everyone applauding that person. Do you think when he does it live he lists even more people?

Oh, absolutely. I think he's listing the security personnel. Well, did you see that they recently in Louisiana, some concert goers wanted their money back because they're certain that it was an R. Kelly impersonator. Oh, no. You know what? Apparently what happened, I saw some follow-up on this. Okay, please. Great news.

I saw some follow-up on this. Well, I have not heard the base story. I mean, was that it? Some people in Louisiana? Essentially, yes. He waited a long time for him to go on. When he finally did go on, the people in attendance were pretty sure that they had been duped and it was an impersonator. So here's the deal.

Wow. There is this thing in clubs, in the urban club scene. Jordan, I don't want to get into a whole Halloween Horror Nights type explanation. I would just like to say that we would be hard pressed to find three whiter people in Los Angeles. In the urban club scene, there is a thing that is... Lindsay, get in here so there can be one more super white person. There are two amazing things. One of them is invited

guest, and that is where there is a flyer for a club night with a picture of a celebrity on it, and it says underneath them, invited guest, and that means that they have invited that person to come. But they have not heard one way or the other. Yes.

Okay. Well, presumably they have not invited them to such an extent that they will get the no that they would expect to get. So that's number one. Who's an example of who would be an invited guest? Metta World Peace. Okay. Oh, I'm looking forward to it.

Basketball star Metta World Peace might be an invited guest. I think that would be a good example. But, you know, I mean, any of your urban, the hosts of 106 and Park. Okay. Free from 106 and Park. I know that she no longer hosts the program, but my 106 and Park information is now dated. I haven't had cable in a long time. So that's the first level.

The other level is appearance by. Now, appearance by just means that they promised to show. It doesn't mean that they're going to do anything. So this was an appearance by, but apparently the promoter kind of left it in a gray area and sort of implied that while it was billed as appearance by, he would probably do some singing. Okay. But R. Kelly didn't know about this. He wasn't on board for this. And you know, Kells, he doesn't fly.

Right. He only takes his tour bus. Ironically, he believes he can. Yeah. I know. I know. So Kells shows up at this club where he's been paid whatever, $50,000 to show. And that's it.

Just to go out on stage and wave to the people. I didn't know he doesn't fly. He's in the VIP. Yeah, he does not fly. Superstitious? Is he afraid of it? Afraid of it. Okay.

He's the Tony Kornheiser of rap. The John Matt. Sure. Another famously afraid to fly person. So, I mean, he has flown. I mean, he's done European tours and stuff. the John Matt sure another afraid to famously afraid to fly person so I mean he has flown I mean he's done European tours and stuff

but you prefer not to prefer not to well I mean you could just get over there with the Queen Mary so yeah

right hop on a steamer hop on a steamer yeah so Kells Kells shows up and apparently what happened is

he didn't want to perform the audience thought sort of thought he was going to perform. There was a huge club, 3,000 people there. They thought he was going to perform. So they're close to riot. So far, everyone in this story is reasonable. Yeah.

R. Kelly is there. He's like, well, if I was going to do a show, you'd be paying me a lot more money. You just pay me to just show up. That's why I got $50,000, not $100,000. And the promoter is like, I got my money. Fuck all y'all. So that's basically where it settled. And what happened is there was cops there.

Because when you do anything, you have to have some cops there. And, in fact, one of the cops is who confirmed that it was actually R. Kelly there. And why do we know so much about this? I read it in this book before I go. You got a saliva sample. So he said that basically what happened is he told R. Kelly, if you don't go out there, there might be a riot. So R. Kelly went out there, sort of acapella'd a couple songs,

played for 10 or 15 minutes on a keyboard or something. And just went back in and said, just so you know, I did what I got paid for, what I had agreed to do. Great. That's the R. Kelly story. Okay. I love it. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Dave Matthews fans. Yeah. Happy people, baby.

If you want 15 minutes, you're only getting one song. I'm sure that for all of those folks out there who got to see R. Kelly perform, even if only briefly, it was truly a momentous occasion in their lives. Which brings us to the momentous occasion segment here on Jordan, Jesse, go. When something momentous happens to you, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN so that you can share it with our worldwide audience. Let's take our first call. Hi, Jordan and Jesse.

This is Ed. I'm calling from the Indianapolis Zoo with a momentous occasion. My daughter and I just witnessed a perfectly normal-looking middle-aged woman and her two 10- to 12-year-old-aged, stick their head into the flamingo pen so that they could, quote, eat bugs out of their hair. The flamingos really did a number on them, and as they walked away,

they, uh, that was my daughter, sorry, and as they walked away, they had mud running down their faces, and were perfectly happy about it. Okay, that's all. Love the show. Thanks. Yeah, this is great. Is that a known situation?

It seems like that is like a pussy version of snake handling. Hang on a second. I just need to be clear. Like the Lord will protect me from these flamingos. Is it like, are flamingos known to like eat lice out of hair? Is that what he was describing? Nothing is known about flamingos. Flamingos are a mystery to medical science.

Some might say they're a fairytale invented to scare children. Oh. And decorate lawns. Right. Yeah, sure. Wow. Yeah. This seems like a Deep South practice to me.

It seems like something that's like has a superstition attached to it. Also, just the time one would have to spend with a flamenco to get this knowledge. Now, it's a flamingo. Sorry, not a flamingo dancer. Yes. Yeah. Like a flamenco dancer will eat bugs out of your hair. Listen back to the call. I believe he said. No, that's right a flamenco dancer will eat bugs out of your hair. Listen back to the call. I believe he said.

No, that's right. Flamenco habitat. It's part of what makes the dance so erotic is that it includes a grooming section. And now, for the grooming. Yeah. I'm playing finger cymbals, by the way. Ah, good. That's great.

It wouldn't be cymbals. It would be castanets. Castanets. There you go. That's what I meant to say. We know words. I'm not talking about some kind of gypsy dance. First of all, I am not familiar that well with the Momentum occasion segment.

Is this the typical kind of occasion one will call with? Would you not describe that as momentous if you saw a woman and her children stick their head into a flamingo cage and get fucked up by some flamingos? I don't know. I can't. Let's take another call. But we also live in Los Angeles. Yeah, that's true. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. Hey, guys. This is Emily from D.C., and I am less than a half mile from finishing my very first marathon. I went full chart, and you guys are there helping me on my long, boring runs for training. So thank you. Love the show. Bye. That's what I'm talking about. Congratulations. First of all, congratulations. This is a woman

whose priorities are in the right place calling us. Not to marathon. I'm on record. I'm opposed to marathon. Sure. I think they're in defiance of God's will. And I'm an atheist, but I still think that running a marathon is too far to run. Half marathon is the absolute limit. After you've committed the sinful act of running a marathon, you cleanse yourself by going into the flamingo cage.

Yeah, that's true. So probably that woman and her children had just run a marathon. I would also just like to say, for the record, she should have been more out of breath. I was surprised at how not out of breath she was and worried that she took a shortcut. Yeah. I think maybe she just rode on a scooter for a little while. I've gone up steps and been more winded. And I say steps because I'm only meaning three steps to a doorway.

She just had a razor scooter hidden in her sports bra. Sure. You can fold those things up. Yeah, they fold up. If you're a bustier woman, good for you on that marathon. Good for you on being so busty, too. Sure. You can fold those things up. Yeah, they fold up. If you're a bustier woman. Good for you on that marathon. Good for you on being so busty, too. Sure. Oh, double good for you.

Boobs. It is a really remarkable achievement. It's nice to be included in that. Our apologies, of course, to the Lord above for defying him or her in that way. But I think it was worth it in this instance. It's really the point, too, that gets to me. Yeah. And it's a good use of full short, too.

Do you think you shit your pants at a marathon, right? It depends how competitive you are. But your major marathon runners. I'm guessing if she's a listener of ours, very competitive. Either poop their pants or they will often just poop at the edge of the road my wife was telling me about this

because she's a runner and one of her favorite runners is this woman who's a very famous marathon runner whose name I don't remember she's the most famous marathon runner she's famous for just one time she just dropped trout at the side of the road pooped and then kept running.

Good for her. I know, isn't that badass? Did you read the story? That's amazing. Did you read the story about the woman running the marathon in Toronto or Vancouver who had intended to run a half marathon as a build up to the Boston Marathon.

She wanted to eventually qualify and run in the Boston Marathon next year. So she ran and at some point took a wrong turn and ended up on the entire lengthway path. She spoke to someone and was like, hey, where is the finish line? How far away from the finish line are we? And he's like, you're like 17 miles into this full man and she's like oh my god and then she was like well she had never run a marathon before a full marathon and she uh checked with them and the race officials and she said if i finish this

marathon does my time count and uh they're like yes yeah it will count so just keep going so she went and she won wow she won the marathon for the female side and automatically qualified for Boston. Hey. Wow. Yeah. Where did she shit? And that woman was Carter Beaufort of the Dave Matthews family. Oh, that man can play a floor tom like nobody's business.

You get that tom up off the floor and it is. He doesn't know what to do with it. He does not know. Let's take it. Oh, my question about the shitting was going to be, I wonder what we were talking about when she was shitting. Probably shitting. Also, bravo for being able to listen to a podcast while doing any physical activity whatsoever. I can't do it.

Well, people mainly use this podcast for white noise. I mean, we like to talk. It's just fun for us. And we're also three very white people making noise and talking about the Dennis Quaid movie White Noise. A lot of people can't orgasm

without white noise in the background, so our show really helps them with that. I'm going to finally turn off my air conditioner, guys, and put you on. Let's take our next call. Hey, JJ Goh. It's Todd Lost in Time calling you from my present, your past.

Time travel's confusing. But I just witnessed the beginning of a police chase near D.C. A guy was actually stopped at a light for a second, and then a cop car was chasing him, yelling, pull over or stop the car. And then he drove on to the D.C. Beltway. And I've since seen two waves of additional cop cars joining them. It's very strange that he was actually stopped at a stoplight for a second. But I saw that happen, and it's currently unfolding somewhere. Do you think he witnessed the woman who was killed at the end of the National Drive there?

Yeah, that's what he saw. That's what he's describing. Sure. Well, I mean, it started as a routine stop, and she just kept going onto the Beltway. Really? Oh, wow. Could be. Could be.

Is there a follow-up call from this gentleman? We always say, Jordan, Jesse, go. We're U-tuned for breaking news. Breaking news. Three and a half weeks late. I think a car race. What's that called? It's a car race.

Yeah. No, no. It's a race. It's a kind of race. Sure. A police race. There are no winners. A police race is particularly amazing because it all hangs on just this one bad decision that the person made at the beginning.

Like at the beginning, the person is like, there's no way. I have 17 traffic tickets. Like they're going to impound my car. I'm just going to floor it and see what happens. And then once they floor it then they're like oh shit they're gonna chase me and then it's like well i'm fucked yeah right like then for however long it takes what are you gonna do you can't pull over then i like that you're supposing that most car chases are from people who fear their vehicle being impounded yeah that's that's one of the

worst crimes that's one of the worst criminal punishments available to our justice system. The car chase is, I feel like, a very unique part of Los Angeles culture in as far as there are so many, and they're very often live on the news. Like, they will break into whatever is happening on their regular schedule programming. And it's just a joy for me. I love a good car chase. We used to, at Attack of the Show, at the offices, whenever there was a car chase, we would stop everything, even though we had a live show that night,

and we would just watch the car chase. One time, one bled over into our taping, and we checked with legal and everything, and we were okay to just turn on the news feed. So for about 10 minutes, it was us on TV watching a car chase. Wow. I love car chases. And you had to just put the hot cosplay segment on the back burner.

Yeah, whatever porn convention we had sent Grace Hellbig to that day, that had to stop. We've got one more call. Let's hear it. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I have a momentous occasion. I was at the Public Theater in New York City, downtown, in the lobby, trying to get a free lottery ticket for the Sting concert that was going on last week. I felt something on my neck. I brushed it away, and I felt pain on my finger. I pulled it back, and there was a finger sticking out of my finger.

I got stung by a bee indoors. But more important than that, I got stung at Sting. Yes. T.S. did not win the lottery, but he went back the next night and did, and the concert was awesome. Thanks a lot. Great podcast, and best of luck to Teresa for an easy labor. Bye-bye. See, this is a classy lady.

Number one, she's at the public theater. Yeah. And she's a Sting fan, which I think we can agree are some of the classiest music fans. Yeah. I assumed right at the top when I heard she was at the public theater, I have to admit, I assumed she was there to see Bring Into Noise, Bring Into Funk. I don't know if that's still running there. I hope not.

But Sting is a pretty solid thing to be going to see. Sure. Yeah, but which Sting are we seeing? Are we seeing the Fender Jazz Bass Sting or the guy that discovered the lute? Yeah, what's Sting up to these days? That's what we need to know. I'd like to see a nice loot Sting. What if loot Sting

did a tour with ukulele Eddie Vedder? Oh, fuck. I'm sorry for the language. You know, loot Sting is actually a really popular dish in Minnesota. It's for the warmth. It's a warm dish, loot loot thing uh it's a fermented cod fermented cod it's a this is originally a kimchi type dish but uh it's loot sting do you think

there's people out there who prefer okay i guess here's my question did did are there people who just love sting so much that they're going with loot sting or are there people who just love Sting so much that they're going with Lute Sting or are there people who prefer Lute Sting? They're like, you know, I didn't care for the police, but you know what? I love this. I love this. Oh, there's definitely people like that. I think Lute Sting, you know, in some of the Lute Sting, I mean, at least adult contemporary Sting was a more popular artist than the police, as popular as the police were, right? Like at the peak of adult contemporary Sting?

Well, adult contemporary Sting, though, was not Lute Sting. Yeah, this is a third Sting. Lute Sting is now in the twilight of his career. Let's just say you're a sad, lonely Lute enthusiast. And you're tired of going to early music concerts, being held in churches and attended by less people than are in the ensemble performing. If somebody famous takes up the lute, there are two things you can do. You either hate it or you love it.

And I'd say 75% hate it and 25% love that just lutes are out there. And those people don't know shit about the police. Oh, my God. Those people only know about madrigals. They're just excited to see something musical outside of a Ren Faire. Yeah. These people are happy to see anything loot. Look, if you have a momentous occasion, you can email it to us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org or give us a call at 206-984-4FUN.

You know who called us? Hmm. My dad's Navy roommate. Oh. No idea how he got this number. Don't think he was a Jordan Jesse Goh listener. Just wanted to get in touch with my dad. But he did start the call. Well, hey there, Jesse! Which I thought was

pretty great. Was he an old prospector, too? Yeah, he was. You'll never believe what's happening in them bar hills. The Navy was doing inland work in the Alaskan Klondike. Spare some change for a 49er. Yeah. So we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica.

Hey, folks. This is Kevin Allison of the Max Fund Podcast podcast Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. If you've never heard Risk, why not start with our 150th episode? It's an all-star lineup of jaw-dropping true stories from Aisha Tyler. This being the 90s, I was drinking malt liquor. Don't fuck you in your racist thoughts. We're all racists. We're laughing. Tom Lennon. Whenever I walk into a place that's called Mr. Binkies,

I'm expecting Armenian bumblebee to be like, I got Jackoff pills for you. Yay! Jay Moore. Me, public school in New Jersey, I didn't need to know anything because everybody knew you got pregnant by peeing in each other's butts. That's how we knew it. Andy Dick. We've had a monogamous relationship for five years.

I barely cheated on her. And The Daily Show's Jessica Williams. Oh my God. I have like this need to be responsible for some reason that doesn't really benefit me. So like, Jessica, clean it up. Look for Risk on iTunes or of course course, at MaximumFun.org. Risk! It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, quite a bit. And he loves prostitutes. Horology enthusiast. I assumed I was a horology enthusiast until I found out it meant watches.

I met some really nice folks at the Bullseye live show in Pasadena. And I got a really sweet gift from a young woman named Fu. She and her boyfriend were there and they were both telling me about how important the show was to them and they they had been in a long-distance relationship.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, they like us a lot. And she made something really special, which she gave to me, but I think is more appropriate for you. I hope you'll like it. An embroidery of two hot wings. Oh, this is lovely. And I know, I mean, the truth is, I like wings a lot. Wow.

But you're a true lover of wings. Sure. I mean, you're, that's... I kiss them. Yes. I love to kiss them before I eat them. That is nice. That is beautiful.

That is excellent quality. She is exceptionally good. Yeah, the hot wings, I mean, there's a lot of detail. You can see texture. Yeah. This is mean, there's a lot of detail. You can see texture. Yeah. This is great. It's a really remarkable thing. So I wanted to thank Fu, and I thought I'd share that with you.

This is terrific. You're the president of the Hot Wings Appreciationist Society. Sure, yeah. I mean, maybe for the next embroidery, add a little cup of blue cheese. No. I'm not telling you how to embroider. That's what the negative space is. Oh. That's what you've got to remember. She sells blue cheese. I'm not telling you how to avoid her. Oh.

She sells blue cheese patterns. I mean, this is, she gets you in by giving you the, and then she sells you the patterns. I wish I could eat wings. In second grade, I had some chicken that was on the bone, and I got violently ill from that, and since then I've sworn off chicken still attached to the bone,

so I feel like I'm missing out on the whole wing phenomenon. I mean, they're great. And I had a drinking buddy for a while who also had a problem with chicken on the bone. So when we were out, we would always get boneless wings, and I would always be silently disappointed. Oh, really? Yeah. What are boneless wings made out of? There's just like a chicken nugget that someone dips in buffalo sauce.

Nothing about that sounds bad. It's just, I don't know. It's not the same. All right. Maybe there's a primal feeling that I like, rending the flesh off the bone. Yeah, that's more exciting because you're counting them up. Sure. What's really fun about wings is the pile of bones.

Right? Like when you have- Yeah, it's great. And you're like, yeah, I just ate 25 pieces of meat. That's kind of my favorite thing about eating a whole lobster. Oh yeah, you see its exoskeleton. The remnants of it. Just all over everywhere. I am at the top

of the food chain. Well look, we've had a great time with our friend Matt Myra. It was nice to have you on the program, Matt. Thank you for joining us. You can of course catch Matt on the internet radio program. What's that other word that you used for it? Podcast?

I don't know. I'm going to call it an internet radio program. Sure, sure. It's easier for me to understand. Understandable. Yeah, podcast is kind of confusing. The nerdies. Or as autocorrect calls it, the nerdiest.

You also, you've got a new project, something James Bond related. Oh, yes. Matt Gorley and I. Matt Gorley of the Super Ego radio program, internet radio program. Past editor of Judge John Hodgman here at the MaximumFun.org network. Yes, yes, yes. He and I do a podcast over on the Nerdist Network called James Bonding with Matt and Matt. He and I are huge James Bond fans, and we decided to express that in the only way we

know how, a podcast. So each episode we watch, the night before we watch a movie in order. Well, not really in order, but sort of in order. And then we discuss it with a guest. What are we talking about? The cocktail cuffs? Is that what you're addressing on the program? We'll bring that up.

We'll bring up the French cuff. We'll bring up- I said a cocktail cuff, not a French cuff. I'm sorry. Eh. Jesus Christ. What is this? The 70s?

Actually, yes. When James Bond movies were made? We're currently in the Roger Moore decade. Roger Moore may have worn French cuffs. Yeah. We'll be okay on that one. But it's a really fun podcast. And you guys are welcome to come on. We have plenty of movies left. Yeah. But it's a really fun podcast, and you guys are welcome to come on.

We have plenty of movies left. Sure. If you have a favorite James Bond movie that we maybe haven't done yet, there's a huge chunk in the middle. Let me know when you get to Brosnan. Okay. Because I like terrible movies. Tomorrow Never Dies, you're our guest. Great.

Done. I have a family friend who was a finalist, who was up for James Bond, was a finalist for James Bond in the 80s? Like against, I don't know, maybe George Lazenby. I don't know the chronology of the Bonds. It would have been against Timothy Dalton. Okay. And this would be the era in which Sam Neill also was very close to getting the part.

Mid-80s? Is that right? Yeah. Mid-80s? He was on General Hospital at the time. John Stamos. Yeah, we know. Yeah. Mid-80s. He was on General Hospital at the time. John Stamos. Yeah, we know. Yeah.

Only Stamos got Bond. I would have problems because I can't watch an entire movie with an erection. Yeah. You have to watch it in fits and starts. Almost Getting Bond was the peak of his career. He later quit acting to become a realtor in Santa Barbara. Wow. He later quit acting to become a realtor in Santa Barbara and showed up to my wedding with a guest he had not RSVP'd, just super blazed. And he handed us a secondhand copy of Shakespeare's Sonnets as our gift.

That just was officially the most depressing thing I've ever heard. You know, all you had to say was realtor in Santa Barbara. The rest is just implied. A decent man. A decent man. A decent man. Talented guy. Well, Matt, it's been a pleasure. Thank you guys so much for having me.

Thanks to Lindsay on the boards this week. Of course, our producer, Sonny D. Go review this shit in iTunes. Yeah. Give it a rating. That helps, too. It helps the show. Yeah.

Yeah, rate that shit. Tell someone about it. New subscribers also helps. Yeah. Look, we're not as famous as the nerdiest boys. I know. You know, we're just a couple of guys trying to get our names out there. You know what I mean?

We got our eyes on a realty career. Got to get that. Eyes on the prize, guys. Got to get that blazer. Oh, man. If we get that blazer, it'll be Jordan Jesse clothes. We sell that Spanish villa in San Luis Obispo. It's right between San Francisco and Los Angeles.

Where else would you want to live? It's a nice vacation spot. Four and a half hours from anywhere. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic. You're very active in the FFA. Thanks to everybody. Oh, our theme music is Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic. You're very active in the FFA. So thanks to everybody. Oh, my God. Thanks to everybody who's been making the amazing Pokemon and anime-style Jordan Jesse Go fan art lately on Tumblr.

Thank you. We issued a demand. People have come through in spades. I was just reading about which Pokemon I am. Well, I don't have it at hand, so I'll have to reveal it next time. But someone is, everyone seems to agree that I'm this one particular, he's sort of a snaky Pokemon. Someone was kind enough to make me, someone suggested I, his name is Snidely maybe? Snyder?

Something like that. You're thinking of Hanna-Barbera Snidely Whiplash? Yeah. And anyway, so someone suggested that. And I looked at this guy. I'm like, this guy isn't that good. But then someone else suggested, you know. Well, what does he evolve into?

That's what you got to ask yourself. Right. Snide-a-bord-a-barb or whatever. Sure. And that's the double evolved, the highest evolution of Snidey. And I was very happy. He's a fearsome snake monster. You know, he's got a lot of battle powers.

But at the end of the day, just like everybody else, he fits in a bowl. Man, I can't imagine that the Nerdist fans do this kind of thing. Oh, they do and then some. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Slash fic?

You guys got any slash fic where you give Jonah a kiss? There is. There is. There is some slash fic where Jonah and I get it the fuck on. I think Chris sits in the corner and masturbates. You're lagging toward Jesse Goh fans. Yeah. Can I ask you guys a question?

Please. This is also a question for our audience. Which Welcome to Night Vale characters do you think we are? Why is that so popular? Just a serious question. I don't... They're very nice, talented guys. I've never listened to it.

No, it's a perfectly good show. God bless them. I'm happy that someone's really successful. There's just some guys making a podcast, so thumbs up from me as far as that's concerned. Also, from what I hear of the show, the difference that separates that between both our shows is effort.

Yeah, writing, production. They do try. Yeah, the whole thing seems a little try hard. That was my, so you're telling me you're going to know what you say before you say it? You're going to write it down? You're going to revise it? I had a telephone meeting with the Welcome to Night Vale guys who are very nice. And their position on how they became the most popular podcast in America is, gee whiz, I don't know.

That's adorable. Like they weren't for like a year. I figured it out. It's because people do so many anime pictures of the characters. I don't think that literally is. So we're on their tail. It must have been an Ira Glass situation, right? That must have been something. He must have done a story on it or something. I don't think that literally is. So we're on their tail. It must have been an Ira Glass situation, right? That must have been something.

He must have done a story on it or something. I don't think so. Really? Yeah. Just Tumblr. Girls on Tumblr. Girls on Tumblr. They are the most powerful consumers.

Come on, Girls on Tumblr. Let's do this for Jordan, Jesse, go. Come on, ladies. Put down the ukuleles. Yeah, Girls on Tumblr. Put the Etsy store on hold. Tell us what it would look like if Jordan and Jesse were cats. Yes.

That's a great topic. Sure. I love it. What would it look like? There you go. That's your Tumblr assignment, ladies. Yeah. We'll be back next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.

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