Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 299: Uncanny Kitty with Andy Secunda

Episode Date: November 11, 2013

Comedian and writer Andy Secunda joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's fear of going to bed, Andy's terrifying Orca dream, fruit snacks, and Jordan's experience buying wine for Andy's dinner party.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, evening is falling as we record this. Dusk? We in dusk? We are in dusk. What is this, dusk?

That's fine with me, I think, because we're children of the night. Yeah. Wait, are you a vampire or a werewolf? Yes and. Oh, boy. I am a vampire werewolf. Oh, wow. You should do like a monologue or a little story on NPR about feeling trapped between two cultures. That's a really good idea.

I'm a full – technically, I'm a full-time werewolf. Wait, no. Strike that. Full-time vampire. So, I mean, obviously, every – I mean, you can see – if I was full-time, I would live up here. Yeah. You can see my vampire teeth. I – you know, sorry.

Or fangs, as we vampires call them. I honestly thought they were werewolf teeth. I, you know, sorry. Or fangs, as we vampires call them. I honestly thought they were werewolf teeth. No, I mean, I only become a werewolf when there's a full moon out. Yeah, it's like, what, two, three times a month? I don't understand lunar cycles. We don't have to. We're men. Yeah, that's true.

That's woman stuff. I do get really cranky when I turn into a werewolf. I'm like a super bloated werewolf. I just, when I turn into a werewolf, I just take a Midol and go to bed. I love it when the girlfriend turns into a werewolf because then I'm getting a blowjob, right? From a werewolf. Let's bring our guest into the conversation. That's lovely.

We'll find out. I'm taking him back for a while. We'll find out. We can probably milk this for another 20 minutes. We'll find out. That was dead silent. They were doing a werewolf menstrual cycle. Find out if he's a werewolf, a vampire, or both.

You know him from popular television programs programs you know him as a writer for the popular television program the goldbergs that's right you put the stress on the right part of the thank you i do my research i'm a public radio host so i try and go into it with some research having been done um look if you're going to know him from one thing if i'm going to say you know him from one thing it's for uh maybe you've seen him on the Conan O'Brien program. How about that? Sure. Try that on for size.

You've seen him on all kinds of television programs. The League recently. That's right. Dr. what's it called? Dr. Ewing. Yes. It might have been Patrick Ewing. I don't remember if we decided on that or not.

His name is Andy Secunda, by the way. Welcome to the program, Andy. Hi, folks. I'm Andy Secunda. It's great to have you on the show. Thank you. It's good to be back. I was actually telling Jordan on our way over here, because I demanded to be chauffeured by the host whenever I saw him.

I like to pick up most of our guests. That's reasonable. That I was actually driving home and heard you, Jesse, on your other radio show and interviewed June Raphael. I hate to tell you, I only have one radio show. This is not a radio show. Yes, I didn't realize that. Actually, this is on the Hot Talk station. We'll be doing some Ashley Madison commercials later.

This is really unfortunate. This is just something I record to quarter-inch tape and put down in the vault downstairs so I have some entertainment in case the nukes fall. That's great. You have so much entertainment. I'm disappointed. I said to my wife,

I'm going to be on a radio show when I got the text. Well, you know, what can I say? Although it is nice for you to have a wife who lives in the 1930s. That is really impressive. I'm going to be on the wireless. Yeah. My son Simon, who's two and a quarter years old, recognized me on the radio today for the first time. Oh.

I have had Conrad, like last week, the week before, will put on Bullseye when it's playing on the radio here in Los Angeles. I mean, if anybody doesn't know, I host an NPR show called Bullseye. And I said to him, who's that on the radio? And he just says, he does this thing. Robert Siegel. He doesn't like to not know the answer to a question or he possibly doesn't know how to say, I don't know.

He turns into a real pill at bar trivia. He just makes a sound that's kind of like, and he'll just hold it indefinitely. It's not the worst way to duck ignorance. No, it's not. But he was giving me that.

And I would say, oh, that's daddy on the radio. You know, I want a little fucking credit over here. Finally. Sure. From a two-year-old. Who do you think's buying the binkies? Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's this guy. The two-year-olds are your main demo, right? That's the main thing. They're trying to expand, you know, more diverse audience for public radio. But he recognized me this week. Jesse's show is mainly a key jingling and just saying, you're special, you're special

over and over again. With guests from the worlds of arts and entertainment. I interviewed Dog with a blog the other day. That's fine work. Anyway, yeah, it's exciting to be on the radio and Simon recognized me on the radio. What's going on? Wait, he recognized you with you prompting?

I wasn't there. No, I was downstairs. You weren't there. I was downstairs. And my wife had the radio on, as it often is, and just in the kitchen of our house. My son Simon was sitting down enjoying some bananas and some satsumas. You know, it's satsuma season. Sure.

And- He said, Daddy's trapped in that obsolete technology. Yeah, exactly. We're going to go visit Daddy at Borders. He said, you've torn a hole in my sense of reality. He does have amazing, like when we have a baby monitor when he naps, and when he wakes up, he will get into extended dialogues with himself. I don't know. Do you have any kids, Andy?

Not yet. I was actually being harangued about not having kids just yesterday. By whom? By people I work with. They were one. Maybe harangued is strong, but they were really aggressive. Well, that may have been the subtext, and I did not catch it. But they were just like, kids are great.

You've got to have kids. It's just because they want somebody to come to their barbecue for once. Is that the deal? Yeah, I think so. I think there's kid barbecues and no kid barbecues, and they're tired of you not being able to come to their kid barbecues. That may be. Me and my wife definitely do not look happy at kid barbecues. But my son will have a full-on conversation.

For one thing, he's at a point in his life where he narrates everything that he does. So the first thing – Is that a point in development? Yeah, absolutely. I had no idea. Absolutely. So he gets – you'll hear him sort of rustling. And it's just like a little thing, a little speaker you clip to your belt buckle or whatever.

Not to your belt. Your belt. Just the belt. Not the buckle specifically. He has a bottle opener on his belt buckle. Yeah. Because he's a tough guy or a hipster. I'll be sitting downstairs in my office typing on the computer or whatever.

I've got the monitor on. And I'll just hear sort of some rustling sounds. I'll think, oh, Simon's waking up. And then I'll hear him say, I'm up. I am. I am. I'm up. I am.

It's amazing. I'm not sure what all this is about. Really big questions Who am I really? I am awake I am I am He's really into

I am statements I love it That's a positive attitude That he's starting life with This kid has a great attitude He's got a really winning attitude What's going on with you Morris? I wake up in the morning and go

Oh boy I'm awake. I am awake. And are you a man who likes going to bed? That would be the opposite reasonable perspective, isn't it? I think that I'm going to bed and I'm like, I'm not going to get enough sleep. And then I wake up in the morning and I go, I didn't get enough sleep. Jordan, do you like going to bed? Yeah, I mostly like going to bed and I'm like, I'm not going to get enough sleep. And then I wake up in the morning and I go, I didn't get enough sleep. Jordan, do you like going to bed?

Yeah, I mostly like going to bed. Yeah. When I'm feeling sleepy. Do you? Or grumpy. I do not like going to bed. And I go to bed and I don't want to, I'm not a night owl. I go to bed very early every night because I have, besides having two children, I also get migraine headaches

and I kind of have to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. And I can't like shortchange myself on sleep because it's one of my top migraine triggers. So I go to bed at like 10, 1030 every night, 1030. You know, I start getting ready for bed at 10, go to bed at 1030 every night. And, but I hate going to bed. I hate it every time. Like in a kid kind of like, I don't want to go to bed kind of way.

You want to stay up and watch MASH. I think because if I go to bed, I might die? I was about to joke that. Is that really it? I think so. It's like death? I think about to joke that. Yeah. Is that really it? I think so. It's like death? I think that it's because I'm concerned that if I'm asleep.

That sleep is similar to death. Well, it's the cousin of death. Nonstop is that. But I think that I have this concern that while I'm sleeping, you know, like dying in your sleep is supposed to be the way you want to die. Sure. And I'm down to die painlessly. Right. But there's this part of me, I think ever since I was a child, that's like, wait, if

you can die in your sleep and you're not aware of what's going on in your sleep. You can't fight off the Grim Reaper. Yeah. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, that could be you could just not wake up and ever. That's it. So it's like the ultimate control freak kind of fear. You want to be able to be awake to prevent mortality. Yes.

Right. That's a great summary. I can't. Or accept it. Or choose to accept it. Although that doesn't, I don't read that into the subtext of what he's saying. Ah, thank God I'm awake for this. Have you ever thought about –

Yes, I am ready. Doesn't seem like it. Take me now. I am dying. I am. You know what? I get it. It's my time.

Yeah. I mean, I think what you should do is give yourself a little treat at bedtime. What I like to do is I like to maybe put on an episode of 30 Rock to go to sleep, put on an episode of The Simpsons, like something I know real well so I can like kind of go to sleep 10 minutes into it. Right. Because I would think both of those shows would be kind of fast paced and get your brain working. Yeah. I mean, I think it has to be something that isn't that you've seen so many times. It doesn't excite you anymore to where it's nice and you can

you know it can kind of function as entertainment and white noise at the same time sure uh i don't know if that would work for you but maybe there's some other kind of treat you can give yourself in the bed like some like fruit chews keep some in the bed or next to the bed it's not very pleasant for a spouse yeah what's going on on your side of the bed? Fruit chews isn't going to cut it, Jordan. Shark bites? Oh, this is... I would say bare minimum gushers.

Okay. This is a weird sleep tie-in because I've been fearing sleep lately because I've been having a rush of bad nightmares that I will wake up. Are they about the great white? Well, this is... Or about getting a bag of shark bites that doesn't about the great white they well this is about getting a bag of shark bites that doesn't have the great white and now what do you have to trade on the playground you got jack shit it may have been a thinner segue connection than i implied with my excitement

but uh i had a dream that my boss was in my childhood home and he was like staying with me for some reason. Your current boss. My current boss, Adam Goldberg, who created the Goldbergs. And he was visiting me and I had bought him as a present a killer whale. A smaller killer whale that was over like two beds. And I had not bought a tank for. And he sort of looked at it and was like I don't yeah I don't want I don't want that. Hold on. When you say killer whale.

Yes. You're talking about what I would know as an orca. An orca. OK. Go ahead. Continue. Yes. Jesse only he can only hear about something if you relate it to an 80s Jaws ripoff.

A very upsetting film. Corona. Horribly, which we had on three-quarter inch tape. And it was one of those films that I would just watch again and again.

Orca's terrifying. Just awful and terrifying and like nowhere near the fun of Jaws. So you are at your boss's house. No, I'm in my childhood home. He's staying with me in my childhood home for some reason. Are your parents or brothers and sisters there?

Don't see them there. Okay. I'm sure I'm revealing some things that I'm a psychopath in this dream. I just know someone can write in and tell me. Were there any small fish there? No small fish. Do you think it's possible the orca ate your family? Here's the thing.

The orca was not having water, although they're mammals, like regular whales, right? It was in distress and on these mattresses, and I had not gotten a tank. I just somehow ordered this orca and they delivered it. And then it wasn't a good present. Clearly wasn't happy about it. You've got to cover it with wet towels, bare minimum. Is that the deal? Oh, yeah.

That's how you move an orca. Have you never seen a PBS documentary about moving an orca? Oh, where they put it in that hammock? Yes, the special hammock. Oh, totally. As they did in orca, I think. No, it was a net. It was a net I think they held it in.

Right. As they did in Orca, I think. No, it was a net. It was a net, I think they held it in. But then I woke up, and I assume I was still in some weird half-dreamlike state, because I was so still in the world of the dream that I was convinced I had actually ordered it. I was like, I didn't really order a killer whale for him, did I? And I actually picked up my iPhone and checked to see. And then halfway through, I was like, I did not order. You like went to the Bank of America app to see what your credit card. Did you go to your purchase history on marinemammals.com?

Basically. Wait, so I don't know if this is part of it. I mean, I don't mean to dig in too deep here, but how did your, was your boss pleased with the gift? I wonder if this is, you know, this is you having anxiety about pleasing your boss i think it definitely was and he had the look that he has when like things you know get uh you know as as a showrunner's job you're dealing with three things at once at all times and so he had that look in his face of just like i don't i don't know what to do with this killer whale that you've got me. I've got a lot of shit to do. Can I ask you a question?

Just like, I don't know what to do with this bee story you've written. Maybe that was the subtext. This bee story about the carnival. I should point out, I pitch almost exclusively killer whale plots for the Goldbergs. That answers my question. Yeah, I didn't want to psychoanalyze, but my question was. Does that tie in somehow? Had you written some disappointing orca scripts lately?

I don't know if it's so much psychological as it is literal. I think the other possibility here is that you should stop watching the movie Orca right before bed to sort of lull you to sleep. It's just that's the only way I can get to bed. You know, we each have our things. Andy, they've already been to SeaWorld. I don't know why they're going back. They've already been there. I'll tell you what. When I go to bed, I will avoid going to bed as long as possible.

But since I've been married and since I've lived with my wife, she'll just tell me, let's go to bed now, and then I'll go to bed then. But since we have a two-week old son um just so you know andy congratulations thank you and that's why i mentioned it um for the congratulations you really sucked it out of me and uh well you hadn't congratulated me for jack shit so far and we're already 15 minutes into the show. Well, you did shuffle me to your podcast. You put me on the main radio show. So because of this baby, my wife just basically, she has to feed the baby using the fruit of her body. And so she just sleeps.

The fruit chews of her body. Shark bites. Her woman's shark bites. She has two gushers. Ah, okay. Fruit by the foot? Nah, keep going. Sorry.

Fruit snacks are fun. They are. They're a little bit heavy. Great. They're fun. Shark bites. Sure. God, getting a great white.

Or a tiger shark. Oh, Jesus. They kept upgrading shark bites? Sure. God, getting a great white. Or a tiger shark. Oh, Jesus. They kept upgrading shark bites. Yeah. Because they knew it was a fucking weapons race. Yeah. Andy, this might be a little- It's out of your demographic.

When we were kids, there were shark bites. There were shark-shaped fruit snacks. You'd open the package. Sometimes you would get a great white, which was like berry-flavored. And then they started having tiger sharks, which were double delicious and very valuable when lunch trading. What flavor were Tiger Sharks? They're all sugar flavored. I mean, that's the thing.

When Jordan says double delicious, they all did taste the same. Sure. It's just that one was – the Great White was white and it was in the commercials. They say, oh, did you get a Great White? Oh, and he would like skateboard and stuff. Yeah they all tasted vaguely like diabetes yeah sure so little diamond tappy i have recently found myself because my wife is just going to bed at like 8 15 um i found myself doing the thing that i did before i had children and before i had someone who lived in my house which is i will just sit on the computer indefinitely.

Yeah. Like it really, and I will not get sleepy. I think I could just sit on a computer. Just BuzzFeed list after BuzzFeed list after. Which is, as I understand it, the worst thing you can do to get yourself ready for sleep. Exactly. It's right up there with watching old episodes of 30 Rock of the Seasons. Well, that was just my hypothesis.

Yeah. But I have heard the internet engages you in a weird way that speeds up your brain. Yeah, well, I think anything, you're not supposed to have a bright thing in your face. Like, that's like the number one rule for falling asleep is you're not supposed to have a bright thing in your face. Interesting. So I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I don't know.

I guess the moral of the story is, you know, if death is coming for you, you want to be able to have your dukes up. Maybe you should just set traps around your bed. Yeah, death traps. It would be amazing to see the Grim Reaper just like with bells caught around his neck. Or it's a box with a stick that's propping up the box and there's a string to the stick and you can pull it and under the box is a soul. And then when he goes in to get the soul, you yank out the stick. I can't wait for us to shoot the sketch for our web series.

We'll be back in just a second. Coming soon to Crackle on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hello, my name is Graham Clark. My name is Dave Shumka. Together we host a show called Stop Podcasting Yourself. We're from Canada. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

And every week we're lucky enough to be joined by a guest, sometimes a comedian, or sometimes just somebody that we like, and somebody probably you've never heard of. But trust us. If you followed us this far into the promo, just try it out. Please. Do we sound too desperate? Stop Podcasting Yourself on MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Oh. It's a different vibe. It is a little bit of a different vibe. Yeah. How would you characterize it?

Jordan's just a lot cockier. He swaggers around. Yeah, swinging my dick. He says, I'm talking. I'm talking. Me, listen. You mean when I'm here? Either way.

That's just my general vibe. Dick swinging. Andy and his lovely wife, Kate, were nice enough to invite me to dinner the other night. Why do you think it's going to have kids, by the way? Oh, Jesus. Well, the reason they invited me over was because, I mean, just general friendship, I'm guessing, but also to- They wanted you to impregnate. Well, to be their child.

They had a diety for me. My sperm is not super effective. We've just been having friends over. And mine is downright angry. That's right. So I think it was to thank you for taking care of Omar while you guys were away. Omar is their cat, who is a very nice cat. Omar Little.

That's sweet. Yeah, he's a very nice cat. I'm sure millions of other cats. Cats. Oh, most cats are named Omar after Omar from The Wire. I would say it's 75% Omar, 25% Brother Muzone. Yeah. I actually did run into someone who's had a keema also as a dog.

There you go. So there you go. Also, I was a dog. There you go. So there you go. And so I – my thought might be kind of – I'm a class act. I'm invited to a dinner party. I'll bring a bottle of wine.

Sure. Something – Always wear a dinner jacket. Exactly. Something I – I actually – I know negative squat about wine. My philosophy with this wine buying thing is something that's above 10 bucks with like a nice label. You know, that's not just like, you know, calligraphy on white background. I think that is everyone in the entire world's philosophy. Right. I know. Yeah.

It's reasonable. Yeah. You would think that there you would think there would be more. I mean, there are already a lot of like cutesy labels, but you think that would be 90 percent of wine labels now. My wife told me a couple of names of things that she likes about wine, like spicy or fruity or something. Aromatic. Qualities of wine. Woodsy. Yeah.

qualities of wine. Woodsy. Yeah. I'm never, I'm never more, uh, like a proletariat than when I'm, when someone's, when a waiter is saying what,

well, what do you like? Because really I'm dancing around whatever's the most like water, just something that doesn't taste like wine. Do you have one of those? What's the midpoint between wine and Sprite? I'll have that. Uh, do you have anything with cola notes? What's the midpoint between wine and Sprite? I'll have that.

Do you have anything with cola notes? So I was driving to your house and I was coming from shooting something that went a little bit long. So I didn't have time to go home and change. I didn't have time to properly go to the store and pick out this bottle of wine. So you were what? You were wearing day formal instead of a dinner jacket? Yeah, exactly. Springing a unitard. I was wearing my polo outfit i came from the polo grounds sure um luckily those jodhpurs can do

multiple duties well you dress them up you dress them down sure that's what they say about jodhpurs uh so you guys live in koreatown and and uh koreatown great for a lot of things maybe there's not a lot of high-end liquor stores or like Whole Foods is right, that's true but you know you should have gone with a nice soju I know, right

I mean for, yeah if I really wanted to bring you an unpleasant gift I don't mind soju you don't mind soju? no, not your thing it's like, what if what, it's like the thing you know what I like about vodka?

the headache what if vodka – Yes, that is certainly true. It is not – it's not easy going down. Yeah, yeah. So I stopped by the 7-Eleven and just kind of grabbed something off the shelf that was kind of over $10 and had a label that didn't look like just a wine label. First you went to the checkout counter and asked, which is your finest? What do you recommend?

Let's say you had just taken care of Omar, the cat. From the wire. So your label qualification is you want one that doesn't look like a wine label? Your that looks like maybe I know what I'm doing. Oh, like it's distinctive. Right, exactly. Exactly. I want to bullshit you, basically, is what I'm saying.

Yeah, right. Sounds like Andy's ready to be bullshat. You could have fooled me. And I think just like in general, I think the wine you bring to a dinner party usually doesn't get drank at the dinner party. Usually, you know, if if if you're a good dinner party planning planner like you and Kate are, you have, you know, a drink selection. So the disappointment will come later.

Right. Exactly. So but I mean, I'm realizing, oh, this will be a bottle that's like in their house or something. So what if it if it looks nice, then, you know, they will. Good. Good for them. So I get so I see you're kind of aware of where the 7-Eleven is in relationship to your house, right? Like it's, you know, three blocks away or something? No, but it's good to know that there's one there. It's up there on Wilshire.

All right. So I'm driving back and I take out this bottle of wine. I'm like, oh, let me have a look at this thing. And I noticed that the name of the wine is Ménage à Trois. Look at this thing. And I noticed that the name of the wine is Ménage à Trois. And I turned around, got a different bottle of wine, and then I went to your house. And I kept the Ménage à Trois for myself and drank it, ironically, by myself. Pretty good.

So, yeah, I was super embarrassed. So, like, something was missing? Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, okay, this needs... This needs two other people. Yeah. Preferably one of them's Asian. That's...

No. So yeah, so I thought I would hand that to you, and it would be the most embarrassing, like, what's fucking Jordan's MO? Anyways, so... That would have been amazing. Yeah. I would not have known. You could have handed me a box of wine, and I would have gone, oh, this seems nice.

No idea. I get a great satisfaction out of buying an expensive bottle of wine. I mean, when I say expensive, I'm talking about $30, $25 as opposed to $8. Yeah. As opposed to $8. Yeah. Because I think I don't, I think because I don't drink, it feels like the ultimate tribute to my love for my wife that I would buy something that costs $30 when I could buy the same thing that costs $7. Sure.

And it makes no difference to you. Does she see it that way? I don't know if she knows. Uh-huh. Oh, so it's really just for you, your feeling about it. Maybe I'm just, maybe the feeling that I'm describing is just that it makes me feel like I'm rich. Right. Now that I say it out loud. I was thinking magnanimous.

You've got it all. You've got cars. Right. You've got vacations. Sure. Expensive wines. Yeah. So you can list all those rich guy things.

Right. Have you guys had a super expensive wine? And what was your experience? Because when I tasted it, I sort of like, it seems nice. Like, I have no idea. Yeah. You know, I have been, yes, I have had a few really, really expensive bottles of wine, and I really liked them, but I think it might have been psychosomatic.

I could not tell you what I liked about it. Right. I think I just liked that, you know. Hugely expensive. Sure. That it was above my pay grade. Felt like I was, you know, at BoatParty.biz, actually, I bought some cask-aged rum for my wife. My wife likes to drink rum.

My wife's a real alky. I should explain that my wife is one of those. Doesn't sound like she'd make any difference to her what the quality of alcohol it was. She's basically from a cartoon strip like a sunday cartoon strip from the teens sure handicap yeah like she she's usually her her hat is it has the top coming off mostly like the top of a tin can and she just goes hick hick all the time but i bought some cask aged uh rum for my wife That was a very fancy thing. I just – I was like, I don't know.

I'm here in Rum Place. I was in the Bahamas. I was like, well, I'm here in Rum Place and I was at the Rum Place, in the Rum Place, the one rum factory where I was. I was like, I might as well buy the expensive one. Fuck it. Yeah. If I'm going to carry a bottle of rum home on an airplane, I might as well buy the expensive one. Fuck it. You know, if I'm going to carry a bottle of rum home on an airplane, you know, I might as well buy the $50 one. Here you go, honey.

Some Captain Morgans. That's how they pronounced it there. Yeah. I do like the idea of finding notes. That seems so appealing to me. Flavor notes. Yeah. In terms of taste.

Yeah. Did you find it? I nosed it. Flavor notes. Yeah. In terms of taste. Yeah. Did you find it? I nosed it. I did nose it. I found some notes. Boozy. Sort of licorice.

I mean, like liquor. Right. No licorice notes. Alcohol-y. So, yeah, I think with that stuff, and I feel like we ran up against this a little bit when we did our Edinburgh show. We went on the Scotch tour. Yeah, we did. Where they talked a lot about notes and peats and, you know. Mosses.

Mosses. Scotsman. Yeah, I feel like with that, like, I can get on board with that for about two sips. I'm like, well, time to get fucked up. Right. You know, bring whatever. Now bring whatever. That's generally what wine tasting breaks down to, isn't it?

Sure. Can I just go back for a second? Yeah. Cask aged. Yeah. What is, I envision some kind of large pirate-shaped bottle. Not pirate-shaped, but like from like something you would find in a hull of a ship. Like a barrel.

Barrel. Arr. Drink it from me nose. With a little sound thing. So basically, when they make liquor, you distill it, right? And you start with whatever grain or sugar thing you have, cane or whatever it is. Potatoes in the case of vodka, whatever, right? You said cane and i said

able oh good yeah so guys are such a you distill you distill that you put it through on this show in some in some cases you might filter it or something like that in some cases you might mix it with something or something like that but uh then you depending on what the what kind of liquor it is you put it in a barrel and you age it, as you would with wine. So it has the wood flavor. And then it gets the flavor of the wood over time. And also the flavors merge and settle. Like a lot of liquors are mixed, so the sources are different.

And so they make a mix of different sources. Mixmaster, what were those guys called? What are those guys called? I think Mixmaster is fine, Mixmaster. What were those guys called? What are those guys called? I think Mixmaster is fine. Mixmaster. Saucier? Yeah. No, like Mixmaster Mike from the Beastie Boys.

Oh, yeah, definitely. So they mix them together, and then that allows the flavors to join together, like leaving soup in the refrigerator overnight. Yeah. And then it gets wood flavors, but also some of it evaporates, so the flavors concentrate a little bit. Like a reduction. Yeah, exactly.

Like a balsamic reduction. That was an incredibly complete answer. Thank you. Very impressed. I happen to have been on two liquor factory tours in the last six months, which is pretty weird, given that I don't drink. One while your wife was giving birth. I know.

I know. I'll be back in a couple. Honey, sweetie, I signed up for this. It's just such a... I mean, it's such a hassle to reschedule and they give you a bottle opener at the end. I'll bring you back something nice, though. I'll get the good one. Sure.

The good one. $30, my friend. Can I, uh, a word about pirates? Yeah. Uh, last night. Why not? A word about pirates. Uh, I went to, uh, I did a, did a return trip to BentCon last night.

Uh, BentCon is of course, uh, the gay comic con that happens at the, uh, Burbank Marriott every year. Sure. Um. Were you there as a public figure? Were you there just to meet boys? Yeah, just to, you know, meet some guys, you know, hang out. Now, can I ask something that will flaunt my gay ignorance?

You may. Bent? Is that a terminology for something? Bent would be like a cute way of saying queer. Oh, okay. Got it. I think there's a, isn't there a famous gay concentration camp play called Bent. There might be, but I don't think that's what they're trying to evoke.

That's what Comic-Con is all about. Right. Yeah, sure. Nazi imagery. Yeah. Yeah. And and I didn't understand top or bottom, actually, for a long time. And I thought I did. What did you think it was? I thought it was

it was just are you on top in a missionary position or are you on bottom and someone went no that's not yeah um did you go to the puccini panel by the way at comic-con this year they're doing a lot of high culture now right sure um a lot of a lot like, where will the symphony go next? Yeah. What's next for America's symphonies? Michael Tilson Thomas. Q&A. Yeah.

Oh, God. I was going to say a joke about the guy who wrote Angels in America. Tony Kushner. Tony Kushner can't walk through that place without getting mobbed. Anyway, should have thought of that sooner. No, I was there. Tony Kushner probably did a punch up on Thor. Right now people are composing angry emails to us.

By the way. Excuse me. It just so happens. Oh, yeah. After all that wry dialogue in Lincoln, I'm sure they want him to punch up superhero movies now. Sure. Oh, they had Kushner all over it. Kushner's all over that thing. Mm-hmm. because Hal Rudnick, who is the host of the Tournament of Nerds, was doing a bit where he was naming gay bars,

and he couldn't name any actual gay bars in the area. And a lesbian in the audience shouted out, Name some lesbian bars! And I was the only one who could do it. Oh, that's cool. Did you guess? Yeah, I'm like, the vagina. Oh, that's our favorite.

I said a real one. I said the palms. And then I said, oh, and my favorite, Tegan. Oh, that's our favorite. I said a real one. I said the palms. And then I said, oh, and my favorite, Tegan and Sarah's. That's great. That went over less well. Tegan and Sarah fans. Yeah. Well, you know, I think just straight guy joking about lesbian stuff.

Sure. Just not. I've never heard of him either. Nobody needs to hear that. Sure. Yeah, exactly. But this year, last year, I think we talked about this the last time I went to it. Last year, the dominant costume easily was Nightwing, who is... Adult Robin.

Adult Robin, yeah. This year... Is he a popular superhero? Yeah, I think so these days. Not just among gays? No, I think amongst Batman fans. I'm actually surprised that Nightwing is the dominant

costume. I guess it's probably evolved from Robin. Yeah, I mean, I think I talked a little bit about this last time, I think, is that there's way more DC characters than there are Marvel characters, and I would guess that's because DC has more sidekicks. And I think that sidekick relationship maybe to a young, not quite out gay man is like

potent. Right. I would think. Your kid flashes, your speedies, for instance. Right. I actually looked down because I thought, should I wear the Brooklyn t-shirt today or the kid flash t-shirt? Do you have a kid flash t-shirt?

Much more apropos. Yes. I actually thought it was a Professor Zoom t-shirt for a long time. And then my friend who gave it to me said, that's a kid flash t-shirt today or the Kid Flash t-shirt? Do you have a Kid Flash t-shirt? Much more apropos, yes. I actually thought it was a Professor Zoom t-shirt for a long time, and then my friend who gave it to me said, that's a Kid Flash t-shirt. Oh, you chump. I felt totally outnerded. Wait, who's Professor Zoom? It's a reverse Flash.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Wait, what does he do? He runs backwards or he's very slow? That would be appropriate. He's very slow is what it is. I don't know if he's the future counterpart to Flash, but he's basically just... Evil Flash.

He has literally the reverse... I don't know. It depends how you define reverse, but it's like he has a dominantly yellow costume with a red lightning bolt on his chest. What does Flash do when he gets into trouble? He runs away very fast. He runs away or towards you while punching you. Right.

Tornadoes. Yeah, he creates a tornado. He runs around the fast. Yeah, runs away or towards you while punching you. Right. Tornadoes. Yeah, he creates a tornado. He runs around the world and beats Superman to the crime scene. Yeah. Is he faster than Superman? That's always been an ongoing, I think, DC plot line is who's going to win. Before The Flash was invented, it was who's faster superman or a train right i guess a lot of the early superman comics were just can superman race a train and he always beat it sure and then we got to create a guy that's more like oh man this

fucking train is losing every time well you're writing it you could write it differently no no no dragging out him racing the train out like all these pages. Yeah. So Nightwing last year. This year, Pirate, which I'm like, that's a little on the nose, guys. Wait, just flat generic Pirate? Well, I mean, they were gayed up. They had tutus and makeup and they added their different personalities onto the Pirates. But there were just so many.

Rainbow Jolly Rogers? Sure. Yeah, yeah. But just a lot of pirates. Interesting. You know what? And I'm like, what is this? The late 90s?

That's what I was about to say. Come on, Bent. Yeah. Get it together. Come on, guys. Maybe there was something there. Maybe there was some sort of pirate panel or, you know, an appreciation of the anime One Piece.

I don't know. But there were just it it was it was really uh hard to ignore is one piece a show about pirates i think it's an anime about pirates yeah what is it called one piece oh you're you're past my knowledge because the outfits they wear yes exactly old time old time bathing costume worried about modesty. They're pirates who are worried about modesty. Anyway, pirates, they're back, I guess. I'm down to me. What do they call those?

Bathing houses? What are the things that they bathe in so that no one sees? Bath houses. Yeah, I'm down to me bath houses. There's a fucking thing on the beach? It's like a, it's like a, it looks like an outhouse on the beach that you, that a Victorian person goes inside of. Oh, you're going way back. For modesty's sake. Yeah.

I don't know what that's called. While bathing. Well, for fuck's sake, Brian, get on this. The little tents, you mean? Yeah. It's like a tent. I think it could be a tent or a shack. Or it could be a shack.

I think it could be made of wood or, yeah. Do you think that's where like Victorian era gay guys went to get it on? Do you think they would meet in the tent? I would go there. Yeah. That's the first place I would look if I was a Victorian gay guy. Did I tell you about when I watched that American experience? Here's what I would do if I was gay.

When I watched that American experience about – when we came up with our theme bar, we're going to – we're eventually – when we get the Capitol together, we're going to have a – open a gay bar where the theme is gay bar from the 1960s. So you read a newspaper and you dress in a coat and tie. And do you give somebody a handjob behind the newspaper? This is amazing. And when I watched that American experience about Stonewall, one of the things that I remember is there's a lot of dudes talking about fucking in meat lockers. And these portable, like these trailer style meat lockers. And they would, there would just be dozens of dudes in these meat lockers, just fucking like crazy. And then the police would come every once in a while and raid them. And like, but the police wouldn't arrest anybody because there are too many dudes fucking in

a given meat locker. But like get a warehouse or something like a like a meat locker is literally a freezer they weren't fucking in freezers how did they even get erections it's amazing history is amazing is there some kind of i don't know some vibe from the meat i'm like this meat like a sort of umami like a sexual umami what Like a sort of umami? Like a sexual umami? What is the definition of umami? Umami is a sixth flavor. It's a round meatiness.

I see. Like a good chicken broth or beef broth. Got it, yeah. Bathing machines, by the way. That's terrifying. That's a little on the nose. That's what the things are called. Maybe it's like the extreme temperature kind of like excites the skin. I don't know if you've ever like jumped from a hot tub to a cold pool.

You get hard as a diamond. Yes, exactly. And then you bang your erection on the pool floor. It's a sort of forging process. Sure, exactly. It's hardening. I see. I would love to have a cold forge direction.

Apparently, forging videos are popular on the internet now. Really? Like watching a guy forge something, like a ranger sword from Lord of the Rings or something, like watching him make it. I can see it being hypnotic. You know, I watched an entire, speaking of PBS documentaries that had a powerful effect on me, I watched this Nova called Searching for the Viking Sword. Where did the Vikings fuck? I don't know where the Vikings – where did they fuck or what did they fuck? They had to – there had to be a lot of homosexuality in the Viking community, right?

You got to figure because they're out there raiding and there's nobody to rape. Sure. What are you going to do? Yeah. But, I mean, the stonewall documentaries talked about where where they would i mean imagine the viking documentary would cover the same territory no this was a specifically about a sword but i see i see what you're talking about because the i mean think about it that new jfk documentary is all about where he fucked rose garden yeah is that true i would love to see a flat out jfk fucking people this is just

all about that side of his life just just one more that documentary just one morning it's just it's just him and bobby kennedy sitting in the oval office and bobby kennedy just goes so there uh jack how come you you're covered in shallow scrapes? Why are there so many brambles in your hair? Bad Kenney is almost as fun to do as Bad Schwarzenegger. Yeah. They're both really fun. Oh, you know, it seems like the JFK fucking documentary could be made, but it would have to be in that category of documentaries that's like UFOs, colon, exposed or something, something, the truth.

Where it's just like one weird guy. It turns out to just be a master shot of one weird guy sitting in a chair. Right. Maybe filmed on ancient video technology. Okay. So in the Viking sword thing, he makes a Viking sword. That's the plot of it. It was much more boring than I hoped it might be and less informative than I hoped.

But it was just a guy whose thing is making swords. And this Viking sword was super, super sharp, extra sharp. One would hope. Yeah. Documentary about it. Super, super sharp. Extra sharp. One would hope.

Yeah. Documentary about it. And so it was an experiment to see if they could recreate how sharp that sword was without using modern technology. Now, are those super broad, hard to carry swords? Yeah. Oh, these are very difficult. Yeah. Very difficult.

I mean, you'd have to be a real Viking to carry one of these. My nerd interest would be if you match a samurai up against one of these guys, like who's going to... You've got power versus... I figure a samurai's got to beat everybody, right? Why do you say that? Speed. They would get it done.

You're thinking of a ninja. I don't know that ninjas are necessarily faster than... Right. I think that's just your... They have more things to hide and smoke. I mean, when I think about that samurai armor, that doesn't say speed to me. Oh, sure, right. I'm thinking more of the ronin.

Oh, okay. Just wandering the roads, not quickly killing people. Exactly. Always the Shiro Mifune in my head. A samurai is like a gentry class, isn't it? Fair enough. Fair enough. So I don't think they really see a lot of, you know, sword on sword action. Yes.

I think their battle status is largely symbolic. Right. You guys really poked a lot of holes in this theory. But this samurai versus Viking fantasy that you've been having. Well, you know what? Ninja versus Viking is actually better for sales anyway. Can I tell you what my money's on? What's that?

The orca. Yeah, sure. Is it in water or out of water? I guess that would be the deciding factor. Is it covered by cloth? Yeah, out of water. Is it in a hammock being pulled by a truck? That's exactly how this shit goes down.

And the Vikings just kill the guy driving the truck. Truck goes off the road. orca dies in a ditch. Ultimately, none of them can take a blue whale if the blue whale's mouth is open. If the mouth is closed, they're not going to get through the baleen. No. Right. What if someone set the baleen on fire? Holy shit.

The blue whale started chomping people. But it's fire so hot that it stays lit underwater. Oh, man. Sure. They all meet Pinocchio inside. Did you know that inside, the reason that we hunted sperm whales was to get something out of them called spermatozoa? And that's some kind of weird brain juice. Really?

I didn't know that. Yeah. It's like a brain lubricant. So people, what happens when you take it? You supposedly get smarter or? No, it's from their brain. Huh. Why do people need it?

For layups. To think like whales. Got to think like a whale. So you take a little teaspoon of spermatozoa and you're like, yeah, krill. You got to get krill. How much krill can I get? Where am I young? This is a chance to extend your perspective, especially on fucking music, man.

You know? What is it? It's a time scale. You just take some and just stretch it out. Oh, like a whale song. Sure. Yeah. Hundreds of miles.

Yeah. Just loop it back. Yeah, loop that shit. Loop it back. Do it again. That's probably a good thing for you to listen to before you go to sleep.

Hell, have you tried whale songs? You know what? I heard some shit about whale songs. Drives you insane? Read some shit about whale songs, something like that.

Oh, I know. I was reading this article in the New Yorker about people eating weird food. There was a part about whales, and there was a discussion of how whales became something you're not allowed to eat, and it's partly because of the whale song recordings. Oh, interesting. I kind of thought maybe I would like listening to whale songs. Creaking of rigging. That's why I don't eat shrimp.

Oh, yeah, that sounds great. I think that sounds amazing. I had a sleep thing for a short time, and it was not effective for me, where you could set it to forest whatever. Oh, like a white noise machine? Forest was terrible for me. I'm a city kid, so it just sounded like serial killers. You know what? they shouldn't have added the yeah i find um he said it's a jason no one can help you out here i find it by dawn dead by dawn sorry i find anal beats really comforting there you go everybody's got their

own sometimes you can get them so they have little speakers they have little speakers that expel forest noises oh that's right and as you yank them out it have little speakers. They have little speakers that expel forest noises. Oh, that's really nice. And as you yank them out, it gets louder. Oh, that's really lovely. Because your rectum muffles it. Gotcha. It's muffled by the rectum.

Do you guys get what I'm saying? I understand what you're saying. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. Aaron, how would you describe Throwing Shave?

Oh, our podcast that we do that's won awards and millions of people have listened to? I would describe it as an orgasm for your ears. That's absolutely correct. We also talk about feminist and gay issues. We make them funny. Yeah, or sometimes gross. Yeah, or sometimes you will call the authorities. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andrew Secunda, intergalactic space Nightwing. Hey, guess what? Is that like an upgraded Nightwing? I don't know. I just wanted to work it in somewhere. It's Nightwing from the Batman Beyond universe.

You were talking about pirates. If you want to get the deep cut of it, you were talking about pirates in the gay community and also Nightwing. So I switched it out. I had a comic book where Robin got killed by the Joker. Jason Todd, I believe. Is that a different guy? Resurrected later by Ra's al Ghul. Becomes the Red Hood.

Who's Ra's al Ghul? That's the guy, depending on... Is that the guy from the thing in the Batman movie where he's doing karate training? Yes. Yeah. Liam Neeson. There you go. His secret identity is Liam Neeson.

International film star. Hey, sponsor on this week's program, our friends at Warby Parker, a new concept in eyewear. Have you ever seen this Warby Parker? I have not. Okay, so here's how it works. It's an eyeglass company. So eyeglasses and sunglasses. They have a bunch of different sort of classic styles, very classic aesthetic in this Warby Parker on their website, which is warbyparker.com.

And you can order a pretty fair number of them. You can order five of them at a time. They will make them for you, send them to you, and then you can send back as many as you want of those and get a full refund if you want. That sounds great. So basically, it's a chance to try on a whole bunch of them, keep as many as you want, whatever.

And the great part is they are much, much, much less expensive than buying them at the optometrist without giving up any of the quality of it. So they cost less than $100. $95 they start at. Yeah. I would visit warbyparker.com, order your prescription glasses, sunglasses, or reading glasses, enter code JJGO, and you'll receive your new glasses within three business days.

warbyparker.com, enter JJGO. Hey, one other thing I would like to mention, Jordan. Please, mention something. Have you ever heard of an annual event held in Southern California called Max Fun Con? I have, but I'd sure like to hear more about it. Well, I've got great news for you, Jordan. I happen to know a lot about it that I can tell you. Great.

Max Fun Con is our annual celebration of all things that are awesome here in Southern California. It takes place in the woods east of Los Angeles in the mountains, the mountainous wooded regions of Lake Arrowhead, California. We have a beautiful resort where we have a weekend of comedy and music and classes and lectures and friendship and drinking. A guy lost his virginity once. A guy lost his virginity there one time, which was pretty great.

You're going to have a surplus of cascaged rum, as I understand it. Uh-huh. Sure. You got it. Everything is cascaged. We actually do have a very, very fancy bartender who makes very, very fancy drinks for Max Fun Con. He sounds amazing. He is a guy who designs drink menus for really expensive, fancy restaurants in Los Angeles,

like one of the leading mixologists in the country. Like, you know, he speaks. You know, he's like the featured speaker at mixology conferences and stuff like that. He's a great guy named Aiden. His name's Aiden. Sure. Good bartender name. Yeah, totally.

You want to tell him your troubles? Sure. After hearing that first name. He's a good man. I always worry about him because of his drinking. Sure. But he's a good guy. Always, yeah.

Always a career hazard. Comes with the territory, I guess, but it does worry me. Anyway. And one for myself. We don't and we never announced the Max Fun Con lineup until the spring, basically because we prefer for the people to come to be there for Max Fun Con rather than being there because they just want to stalk a celebrity. But past guests have included. Who are we looking at? We're looking at Jad Abumrad. Sure. We're looking at

Marc Maron. We're looking at Greg Barron. Maria is there almost every year. Has been there every year as far as I know. Atigna Taro. Sure. Kyle Kinane. Who else? We got a John Ronson there. Yeah, John Ronson

was there last year. Talked a little about Juggalos. That was great. Oh, that was tremendous. That was wonderful. That was a delight. Elvis Mitchell was there last year. That was great. He talked about Pootie Tang.

Sure. There's all kinds of amazing, brilliant, totally. Andy Richter, the Upright Citizens Brigade were there. They did ASCAT. Exciting. All kinds of great. Our friends Chris Hardwick and Mike Furman is hard and firm. Jonathan Colton was there one year.

All kinds of amazing people come to MaxFunCon, and tickets go on sale. This year, it's just going to be the best of Spike TV. We're talking John Trapper from Bar Rescue. And the people that help him during Bar Rescue. We're talking Manswers Live. You know, I was in an episode of Mansour's. Everyone was in an episode of Mansour's. I feel like everyone in the city of Los Angeles has been in an episode of Mansour's.

Yeah, if you were doing UCB shows during like a certain two years, then you were on an episode of Mansour's. So I... Pretending to smell a fart. The tickets go on sale the day after thanksgiving it is like an all-inclusive experience lodging food liquor virginity loss virginity loss it is all included in your process in in your ticket um you just you don't all you all you're responsible for there is you're in the friendliest place in the world so you just meet some people and do some amazing shit. It sounds amazing.

Fucking. How about they try this on for size? Last year, Pendleton Ward, the creator of Adventure Time, one of the best, I'd say probably the best children's television program on television. television programs on television overall, directed a fucking superhero stop-action film starring people who came there in costumes that they

made while they were there. That's the kind of shit that goes down at MaxFunCon. It's a special place. So the day after Thanksgiving, tickets go on sale. They are often sold out by the time Christmas and New Year's rolls around. So maxfuncon.com is the place to go.

Jordan, you going to be there? Yes. I'm going to be there too. Great. We promise. Can I get a comp? No. Are you on Spike TV?

I'll see if I can work it out before then. Yeah, sell a pitch and you're in. Yeah. We'll talk to you in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andrew's contained a galactic space orca.

You know what I've been enjoying a lot, by the way? Eddie's nicknames? No. I was going to say stop podcasting yourself. Oh, sure. I've been listening to a lot of

Stop Podcasting Yourself, extra stop, more than usual. It's just a great show. I think if people like Jordan Jesse go, they should check out Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Sure. I just want to throw that out there. Great. It's out there. It's out there. Letting it land. It's out there in the ether. You shouldn't agree, Jordan, by the way.

Under no circumstances should you say that Stop Podcasting Yourself is a show you like. Why not? Well, because it's clear that you would be lying since you haven't said anything positive about Stop Podcasting Yourself since I endorsed Stop Podcasting Yourself. No, you're right. You got to take up two sides in this podcast otherwise. Is this like Podcast Crossfire? So you'll be the moderator. You're Coach Crossfire.

And you have one more minute. I'm the Ragin' Cajun, James Carville. May I throw something out there? Yeah, please. My mind shut down about halfway through the podcast because I was trying to remember a nerd specific. Okay. So if you listen back to the podcast

and I'm silent for about 20 minutes in the middle is because I was trying to remember as a suggestion for BentCon the two gay superheroes

from The Authority by Warren Ellis and it's The Midnighter and Apollo which is basically like a Superman, Batman kind of spin. So those are my suggestions for BentCon.

Can I tell you that all the LGBT nerds in our audience just went, yeah, no shit. They probably were at the last BentCon and you just didn't identify. I know. I know. They were probably screaming at their iPods while. Big deal. Yeah. You were able to look something up on your iPhone in a break.

You're going to get home to your house and there's just going to be – just written in spray paint across the front of your house is just going to be no doy. I'll accept it. T-L-D-R. What? I'm in an apartment building, so you're punishing my neighbors too. I was thinking of – I don't think this – here's a tweet. I'll accept it T-L-D-R what? I'm in an apartment building so you're punishing my neighbors too I was thinking of

I don't think this here's a tweet that wouldn't work uh this should be a whole other podcast we should be here's a tweet

that wouldn't work when it comes to pythons when it comes to pythons my philosophy is T-L-D-P too long didn't pet that didn't pet.

That didn't work? I think it wouldn't work. I think it would work. Should I try it? Oh, absolutely. Okay. What do you give me if it doesn't work? What counts as work? A hand job.

Okay. Done. Done. Ten stars. Ten stars. Under ten is a failure. Wait. Are you counting all stars?

Are you counting retweets as a star? No. Retweets are nice, but the stars are what I'm going for. If that is the definition, Ed Secunda is not faring well in the Twitter world. I got two faves. You're doing great. You're doing great on there, Andy. I follow you on Twitter.

You're a delight. You have to see me. I don't follow you on Twitter. I heard how shitty. You have to see me. I don't follow you on Twitter. I heard how shitty you are. It was a two-star situation. Ten stars? Yeah. But when are you going to put it out?

I mean, that's the problem. What do you average? You say, when's prime time? Oh, this is useful information for me, too. Yeah, yeah. I think I've just been tweeting at the wrong time of the day. That's probably it. I think that's the problem.

I say Monday, 9 a.m. Pacific. Okay. Okay, great. That's what I say. All right. 1 p.m. Pacific. Okay. On Monday?

On Monday. I had a social media agent once who I met with by accident. I was trying to sort of, you were paintballing. I want to do more internet stuff, which is a hilarious reason to meet with an agent anyway. And I, and there was a miscommunication because of course nobody in the agency

world understands either social media or, or the internet. And so I was sitting in the thing and he goes, oh yeah, I just do social media. And the only information he imparted to me was that the peak time to tweet is Wednesday between four and six. I was like, that can't be accurate. But all right.

He's like, great. Well, now give me two thousand dollars for this meeting. Wednesday between four and six. I think it's sort of like, if that's the peak, and then the next day on Thursday it sort of is a little bit less, and Friday is a little bit less, but it sort of goes that way. You're talking about Pacific time? Which has not been my experience. That's a good question.

I think that's the reason, is it sort of maybe hits people like when they're just getting off work on both coasts. Yeah. Jesse is extremely skeptical. What do you think? What's your both coasts? Yeah. Jesse is extremely skeptical. What do you think? What's your take on that? Okay. Monday, 4 p.m. Okay.

Where do you get Monday, 4 p.m. from? I would think people would be like, ugh, the whole, I don't even want to look at anything. You know what, Andy? I don't want to go way into this fucking week and have to deal with this hand job hanging over my head. No, that's true. Yeah. I don't want to do it or not do it. I see.

You know what I mean? So this is just for this contest you're saying Monday. Yeah, I'm not saying that Monday's the best. I'm just saying for this purpose. Oh, okay. Where Jordan doesn't believe in his tweet. Gotcha. And I do.

But you're stacking the deck for the tweet not to work then. So you're actually increasing the odds that you're going to have to give him a handjob. Or that you're going to get the... Maybe we can show him up. Yeah, sure. Okay. Look, you're a real nightwing about this. Worst things have happened, okay?

Worst things have happened. Okay. Monday at 4 p.m. To be fair, I'm being a real Apollo. Fair enough. Monday, 4 p.m. You tweet that. Yeah.

I'm going to star it. Okay. Only needs nine more stars. Okay. How many tweet people do you have now? 10, 15? 13,000 and some change. 13,389.

13,389 says Brian Fernandez. 3,39. 3,39. He just corrected me. Yeah. Sorry, you just lost 50 followers because of the shitty Python tweet. I know, right? Oh, God.

Yeah. I think I believe in it. Okay. Okay. Brian, how many does AtSacunda have? Yeah, Brian, check it out. Am I anywhere? Jordan, can we thank a listener whose name I don't have in front of me right now?

3,877. Oh, that's much closer than that. 3,877 for you, Andy Secunda. A listener whose name I don't have right in front of me right now painted beautiful portraits of us as cats. It was, they're sincerely beautiful. Yeah. Which is sort of weird. Yeah, like really like nice, like she understands the anatomy of a cat really well. Yeah, but I mean they're not just-

They're like photorealistic kind of feeling cats? No, it's a little bit, I mean, it's not fully illustration-y, or we're not talking about a Myra Kalman type situation. I mean, that's kind of real and not real. It's an uncanny kitty. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. Sorry. But what's- Why wasn't everybody chanting?

What's wonderful about it is that it's not... They're not only... They're not... They're not only... They're sincerely lovely to look at. I like that about them. They're not just demeaning to us by transforming us into a lower creature. Megan Lynn Cott.

Megan Cott. Megan Cott. Thank you, Megan. So thank you very much to Megan, who literally created the best piece of fan art we've ever had anyone create. It's genuinely amazing. Make one of me, Megan. I want one of those.

Yeah, and he is a cat. She was nice enough to include on mine a um a dead crow or a crow that looked like he was on his way to death the cats were eating him no he had an arrow through him so i can only assume that the jesse thorn cat shot an arrow through the crow but aren't – Don't cats have bows and arrows? Yes. Yes, they do. In my dreamscape. There's one other thing. Shannon sent in some slash fic.

You know what slash fic is, Andy? I have heard the term, but I don't know. It originally comes from Kirk slash Spock. Right. Which is – it was fan stories about Star Trek where Kirk and Spock were romantically or sexually involved. There you go. And that's expanded out into all kinds of verses. Right.

And we were upset that there wasn't anything in the Jordan Jesse Goa verse that featured Jordan and I being romantically entangled. Right. Besides this, you know, Twitter handjob scenario that I've just described. Sure. So. I mean, and it works with the Kirk Spock thing because you're brash and impetuous. Right. Cold and logical.

Yeah, exactly. So. Is McCoy spurned in those things? He's just jacking off at the corner. Come on, guys. I'm trying to jack off here. Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a hydraulic pump. I'm a doctor, not a pocket pussy.

Okay, so here's... Bad McCoy's pretty fun. Yeah, Bad McCoy is fun. I'm here, too. I was created in the holodeck. I would also like to masturbate. California is the state where I live. Get to the chopper so we can jack off there.

It's a hollow chopper. Brian, can you mail this to SNL? This is a real bad podcast. So Shannon was kind enough to write some slash fic, and she kept it pithy enough that we can read it on the air. The only proviso I would add to this before I read it is I know a lot of people read this on public transport, listen to the show on public transportation or while they're driving and just be aware that you might pop a boner or just have a sudden flood of pussy juice. Sure.

I want you to be somewhere where that is going to be acceptable. You know, like a bathhouse, for example. The bathhouse is the perfect place to be listening to this, except the steam might mess with your MP3 player. So here's the story from Shannon. Thank you, Shannon, for writing this. Jordan and Jesse sat in the weird recording booth that everyone talks about how weird it is all the time.

They had just finished an episode of the hit podcast, and their guest, who was probably Chris Fairbanks or something, had already left. Hey, want to make out? Jordan asked. Fuck it. Let's make out, Jesse replied. And they did. It was totally awesome. Just everything you'd want it to be. Sonny D recorded the whole thing.

All the girls on Tumblr were very happy, and they all forgot Welcome to Night Vale ever existed. Yay! The end. You don't have to forget Welcome to Night Vale. I talked to,

they seem like very nice men when I talk to them. Talented guys. Are those your nemeses? I just think, no. It's the most successful podcast and we have some joke,

90% joke, 10% real bitterness. But they're very popular. Talented guys. Talented guys. They are. And nice dudes and they are very popular. Much of their popularity has come via their passionate Tumblr following. So things like pictures of us as cats and slash fic about us is the way that we're going to get to the point where we're the new welcome to Night Vale.

Right. I think that's I think it's a smart branding approach. Thank you very much. You've clearly sat down with a social media agent. And if you guys were going to tweet it, I'd say Wednesday. agent. And if you guys were going to tweet it, I'd say Wednesday, four to six.

Listen, if you're out there and you don't already know, momentous occasions is the portion of our program where people call in to share momentous moments in their lives. If something important happens to you, call us at 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone, dummy. Let's listen to our first call.

Hello, Jordan. Just a momentous occasion. I was just coming out of the supermarket, and I saw a one-legged man in a wheelchair pulling a child in a stroller. Have a great day. Yeah, indomitable spirit. Sure. A brave man.

Mm-hmm. Brave wheelchair child. Or an ambitious kidnapper. I would have liked it if it had been a toddler pushing his dad in a wheelchair. That would have been nice. Because that would have been heartwarming. Mm-hmm. Depending on how well he was doing.

Yeah. And it didn't look like he was going to let go and the go and the dad would, like, roll into the street or something. Yeah, that would be trouble. Yeah. You don't want that. If everyone was worried about if the dad's okay, then it wouldn't be heartwarming at all. No. People would be too worried.

Just, you know, be a lot of anxiety for everybody. Yeah. But, hey, good for those guys. Do you think the dad's going to be okay? I don't. It's in my head now. Yeah. I mean, probably not, if we're being honest.

He only has one leg, for God's sake. Yeah. I shouldn't order that killer whale. That's what he's thinking to himself. Should have at least put some towels on it so it wasn't so mad. I don't know what I was thinking. On the plus side, you know, you order a killer whale, you got some great material for momentous occasion. That's true.

That would have been my first call. Let's hear our next call. Hey, Jordan and Jesse and guests. It's Lucas calling from Rochester, New York with a momentous occasion. I was just walking to my car from work. I was walking behind a guy who I would describe as a yuppie type. And he was talking on his phone and eating at the same time. And then he kind of stumbled and he dropped his phone into a sewer. And then he got on his hands

and knees and he yelled into the sewer, hey, I'll call you back. I dropped my phone in a sewer. I don't know what happened after that um thank you guys love the show i mean when is he gonna call him back it's gonna take a while to get that phone out of the sewer i would have preferred to see him go uh i dropped my phone in the sewer anyway so she says to me, I really, all I could imagine as soon as he said the guy was a yuppie type, all I could imagine is that he was driving an 80s convertible BMW. Blazer with the sleeves pushed up.

He got in a car crash and had to reevaluate his life choices. Oh, man. He's talking on his car phone. Maybe I should stop working for Omnicorp. Greed is good. Anyway, if you have a momentous occasion, 206-9844-FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,'t think he's fine. Do you want to retake it? No, I don't.

I mean, that's part of the whole thing. You just want to let him wallow in it? You know, you guys have been using the same ones for like 12 years. Cut those little slags. No, you're right. If you... Okay, I want to say this. Next week's episode is our

300th Jordanordan jesse go um and we've done even more than that without andy secunda how how no three 300th episode of jordan jesse go uh so the next episode after that's going to be 300 colon rise of an empire two things number one thank you for the 300 sequel is going to be called they're not putting a two after it they're just saying colon rise of an empire right sorry they haven't already made the 300 sequel i think it's done but i think it's not out yet did the 300 come out like seven years ago yes this will be bad this will not be a good movie it It's not Zack Snyder again, is it? No. He's on to other things.

I think he's just doing Superman-related stuff these days. It won't be super good, like the 300. Right, exactly. It won't live up to the amazing bar set. It won't have the critical appeal of 300. It could be as good as 300, I think. Sure. Okay. Two things about episode 300.

Number one, thank you so much to all of you who listen. You're the best. Yeah. You're tops. Thanks to everybody who fucking listens to a couple episodes and then decides to listen to the entire back catalog and spends months listening to it. Totally. Thanks to everybody who was with us from the very beginning. Thanks to everybody who's fucking Johnny come lately.

Sure. Just step to, thanks to everybody whose first episode is this one, 299. It's a good one to jump in on guys. Yeah. It is. Got Secunda over here.

Sure. At Secunda. At Secunda. Can't say it enough. Just got to break 4,000 people. His agent's going to drop him. Seriously. Yeah, you're probably on thin ice with the wife because you weren't on the radio today so you can come back to her with but i have over four

thousand twitter followers check this out so that's number one number two if you are the type of person who is listening to this on like monday tuesday wednesday right when it came out not fucking three weeks from when we put it out. You're not banking them for a long road trip or something. But if you're a real Jordan Jesse Go fan, we want to know what your favorite moments of the past. When was the last time we did one of these? 200? Yeah?

Yeah. Okay. So the past 100 episodes, the past two years of Jordan Jesse Go. Tell us what they were. Tell us what episode they were from and what time they were. Email brian at maximumfun.org. Sonny D's email address.

Sorry, I just gave out your email address, Brian. He says no big deal. He really likes people to have his email address. He just likes

to have pen pals. Please tell him and we will, we may very well include your clip in our 300th episode. And if you have any ideas for a premise for the 300th episode, a clip show premise. Oh, I have an idea.

Yeah. Do you want to hear it? Yeah. We die in an accident and it's like defending your life. Oh, I like it. Yeah. What about this? And you're watching the past episodes. Yeah. We're this? And you're watching the past episodes.

Yeah. We're in space. We're on a space capsule. And it falls apart. Mm-hmm. So we're just floating through space in our spacesuits. Okay. I am a sort of silver fox type.

Mm-hmm. And you're 50, but you still look pretty darn good. I'm keeping it tight. You are really exercising a lot, and people love your slapstick humor. And I'm the ethnic third guy. Who dies real quick. That has one line, and then something else. Who you know is going to die because of his ridiculous accent.

Do you guys want me to live? I will be very round, character. I'm so happy and have a family, and I'm about to die. Well. Oh, that's a spoiler. I want to very round character. I'm so happy and have a family and I'm about to die. Oh, that's a spoiler. You want to cut that out? Yeah. But we can't. Yeah.

Oh, man. It's not going to happen. He doesn't know how. It happens early. He doesn't know how to edit a thing out of a thing. I apologize. So that's another possibility. What about this?

We're cowboys in the Old West and we're trying to teach our horses about how great our podcast is. Oh, yeah. But they don't understand because they're animals. Well, that's why we have to play them examples. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's good, too. They can't understand just from us. So also, send us your clips and vote for which premise you want.

Yeah. Cowboys talking to horses, gravity horses gravity too or defending your life too and thanks so do that brian at maximumfund.org and thanks to everybody who's been there's been so many people since we did the poetry contest so many people posting cool stuff on tumblr yeah tagging it jj go posting cool stuff on our facebook page tagging it j Go. Posting cool stuff on our Facebook page. Tagging it JJ Go. Posting cool stuff on our forum at forum.maximumfun.org. You don't have to tag shit there. Just post that shit. People will find it.

Totally. I think we're on the way to becoming the world's most popular podcast. I do too. How much are these other people beating you by? To put a camera on our 300s of thousands. A lot. Really? Wow.

Yeah. You guys are so charming though. We've got them in our sights though. We don't Hundreds of thousands. The lots. Really? Wow. Yeah. You guys are so charming, though. We've got them in our sights, though. We don't have a hooky premise, though. Although this cowboy thing. This may be the turning point. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Sonny D., Brian Fernandez on the boards.

Forum.maximumfun.org like us on facebook all that shit yeah man can i say one other thing please somebody wrote this review this week on itunes uh five star review this week i can't remember what his itunes name was uh but it was so lovely. It was so, like, heartfelt and sincere and, like, thoughtful. It was more than just, this is a great, funny show. And I just, if you're that guy, you know you are because you wrote it this week. I really appreciate it. I read it and I was like, man, that is some really nice stuff. And, like, thoughtful, incisive. Sure.

That's what you want. Thank you very much for that. Anyway, thank you to those people. Thanks, everybody. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Yeah, thanks, guys. You know what? Handjob's all around. Yay!

We'll be back next week. Can we... I was going to make a place for Andy Secunda. Andy Secunda. Let's talk about something other than his Twitter handle, if there is something you'd like to talk about. And his hit show, The Goldbergs. Of course. Oh, yes.

Tuesdays at 9 o'clock on ABC. Please watch... One of the hot new shows of the season. Particularly for a Nielsen family. Watch immediately on that night. One of the hot new shows of the season. One of the hot new shows of the season. Particularly for a Nielsen family. Watch immediately on that night. One of the hot new shows of the season. One of the hot new shows of the season. Absolutely.

It is a very funny show. If you're like some comedy snob and you look at the billboard and you're like, that's a little bit goofy. Look at their sweaters. Put that in the back of your mind because it is a super funny show.

It is just like packed with great jokes. It's absolutely. I'm obviously biased, but I agree with Jordan. It's very, it's very, you know, solid jokes throughout the episode. Sure, there's your network requisite heart. Nothing wrong with that, though. Yeah. And be warned, they're Jews.

So, you know, I want to factor that in if you can take that. That's actually going to be the deal breaker for our audience. A little white power, guys. It's a nice, nostalgic, solid show. And I would also, for myself separately, I would say I'm every week at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Soundtrack with some very funny people, 9.30 on Fridays. That's the Los Angeles Upright City Theater. The Los Angeles, yes. An amazing improv show if you've never seen it.

Soundtrack is. Really fun. And then every third Friday, The Swarm with Sean Conroy, Billy Merritt, and Andy Daly. At 8 p.m. every third Friday at Upright City Theater. A funnier improv show you will not find.m. every third Friday at Bright Citizens. A funnier improv show you will not find. Yeah. I mean, that's two,

you really can't beat those two improv shows. All-time greats of improv. And I say that absolutely sincerely. Like, legendary figures talk to some improv person and they will tell you

about how amazing The Swarm is and how The Swarm changed their life. That's true. I mean, you know, it's true. I mean, you know, it's true. It's not for me to say anything, but we're very proud of our work. You're just being quiet, like Jordan was when I brought up Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Just don't like them. Something about those guys. I don't know. They're real assholes. I mean, that's the problem with Dave and Graham. They're real dicks. Pricks. Anyway, Andy, thank you for joining us on the program, that's the problem with David Graham. They're real dicks. Pricks. Anyway, Andy, thank you for joining us on the program.

It's been a delight, honestly. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jessica. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.