Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 300: Jordan Goes

Episode Date: November 18, 2013

As the show hits three hundred episodes, Jordan decides to hang up his headphones and leave the world of podcasting behind.  However, Jesse and Brian track him down at a cattle auction and play him some great clips from the last one hundred episodes in an attempt to woo him back into the recording booth.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian. Hey, Jesse. It's a weird question. I'm looking around the studio.

I guess I hadn't thought of it before. I don't see Jordan here. Oh, yeah. He was here earlier, but he had to leave. He left? Yeah, he left. He said he had to go find himself. Well, this is the 300th episode of Jordan Jessica. Oh, he's supposed to be here recording with me.

Yeah, he said it was a lot of pressure. Nah. You know, he just wanted to take some time to get out of his head and really figure out who he was. You didn't try and stop him? No. You didn't see that as part of the producer's role?

It did not occur to me at the time. It is occurring to me now that I probably should have done that. At the very least, have him find himself here on air. Yeah, that's good. Give him some ayahuasca or something. Yeah.

Well, look, I can't do this 300th episode without him. So do you mind if you stop the recording? I'll go see if I can find him. It turns out, I mean, I didn't know if you knew this, but before I was a broadcaster, I was a private dick. Oh, I did not know that. A gumshoe. Yeah.

Okay. That comes in real handy. If you're willing to gumshoe. Yeah. Okay. That comes in real handy. If you're willing to come with me, I'm going to try and track him down. And maybe by the time the next segment starts, we'll have found him. That'd be great. I think that's a great idea. It would be for the best.

Okay. Sure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Is that Jordan right here at this cattle auction? Oh my gosh, he's right there in front of us. I can't believe you guys tracked me down. Well, you left a trail of clues. My history as a private dick led me to be really good at tracking clues. I don't know why you're laughing. I'm going through a giant life change right now

sometimes i just laugh at when i used to be a gumshoe and now i'm a professional podcaster but i understand life changes because i used to be a gumshoe and then i became a professional podcaster yeah so well this is i'm kind of going through the same thing now and i just ask that you respect it i mean i think when you tried to leave gumshoeing, people didn't track you down and try and drag you back into it. So if you guys could just, you know, leave me be, I would appreciate it. What are you doing at this cattle auction? Listen, I, the life of a podcaster just, I mean, it got to be too much for me. The lifestyle is just so taxing that I just wanted to get away from it all, get away from Hollywood and all the podcasting galas and the groupies and the designer drugs that come along with podcasting.

And I just wanted to live off the land, so I'm here at this cattle auction, as I'm sure you can hear, as well as see because you're here, but also the sounds of it are all around us. Sure. I just want to get a couple of heads of cattle and find a ranch somewhere and settle down and kind of lead a more idyllic lifestyle away from the decadence of podcasting. So you're just going to buy a ranch, buy a few heads of cattle, and just become a cattleman?

Yeah. A beef rancher? Sure. and just become a cattleman? Yeah, I mean... A beef rancher? Sure. Well, I mean, you know, I'm going to start out with kind of cow rides, like selling cow rides to local children. So you're going to use your show business roots. Yeah, I mean, there's a little bit of P.T. Barnum in it. You know, I have this skill set.

Hucksterism sure exactly i mean what is podcasting but flimflammery and i'm gonna by the way have you heard my new podcast with the fiji mermaid no i haven't and that's just a monkey tape to a fish don't try and sell your snake oil with me well jordan my living is wrapped up in podcasting. I couldn't do anything without you. Well, I mean, you'll just have to figure it out. I mean, I don't know. I'm just at a time where I need to stop, you know, looking out for everybody else.

Look, I can't just go out on the street and find myself another Joyce Heth, go out on the street and find myself another Joyce Heth, the nurse of George Washington, who later Barnum claimed was made of India rubber. Jesse, that woman was just a monkey taped to a fish. Okay. Jordan. What?

What? Would you give me a few moments to convince you of the good side of your lifestyle as a podcaster i guess i mean i've really thought this through and i think this is a decision i'm i'm ready to stick with but you know you came all this way you tracked my various credit card purchases and found me here at this cattle auction, which we can all hear. Yeah. And so I guess I owe you that much. Hey, Brian, why don't you give Jordan these headphones?

Uh-huh. Here, Jordan, take these headphones. Oh, no, I have my own. I actually made my own out of leather. Because, I mean, again, I'm trying to live off the land. Is that what happened with your first head of cattle? No I mean I just chopped up some leather pants That you had from your podcasting day

Yeah I mean you know all these Sunset strip parties we have to go to As podcasters Oh no doubt about it Leo Laporte parties Leather pants only LPO that's the dress code Oh yeah You're not getting into Marin's orgy Is this your Leather pants only. LPO. That's the dress code, bro. Oh, yeah.

You're not getting into Marin's orgy unless you are covered in leather. I do still have the gimp mask. Jordan, I have, okay. I'm going to play for you through your leather headphones the time that you told a wonderful story about your crazy, wonderful, debauched Hollywood lifestyle. Okay. It's about pancakes. Let's listen to it together. Jordan, in an effort to live a more healthy lifestyle, gave up sugar.

Yes. Well, I guess maybe more specifically Sweets He'll eat like a He'll eat like a bread Like a Yeah like a ketchup Yeah Sure But yeah

I kind of decided To get rid of Wow Candy, desserts, soda Wow Sugar and coffee That kind of thing Wow

And it's been going Pretty good You know there's been Some lapses Like you know Like a cake at a wedding There's a couple You know a few margaritas With Mexican food He ate a cake at a wedding. There's a couple margaritas with Mexican food. He ate a cake

at a wedding. A whole cake, yes. I married a cake in a wedding and then ate it. But something good news is that he's Catholic and it turns out if you eat your wife, that's an automatic annulment.

Oh, okay. There you go. It's called transubstantiation. It's very complicated. It involves the crown of thorns. But I had a lapse that kind of made me wonder how committed I am to this whole thing. It was our good buddy Chris Fairbanks' birthday. Very funny, popular guest on this program. He had his birthday party at a bar

just on the corner where my house was. I'm like, great. Walking distance. So I walked and I really just drank more than I have in a long time. And then in my mind, kind of what happened was that I walked home and went to

sleep um and then and then i so this and then go to two days later i'm in my car and i i i have this overpowering the overpowering scent of syrup is in the car just like like mrs butterworth's syrup and i don't know where this is coming from I don't know where this is coming from. I don't know where it's coming from at all. And then I look on my sweater. The sweater I'm wearing was the same sweater I was wearing that night. And from, I swear to God, from shoulder to elbow, it's just caked in syrup.

Like, imagine syrup on, like, a wool sweater. Oh, my Lord. And then I just got this crazy recovered memory, like this – like something that I had – that was not in my brain before. And then I remembered with crazy clarity of me – I didn't leave the bar and go home. I left the bar and walked like a mile to IHOP and ate pancakes in a blackout state. and ate pancakes in a blackout state and apparently put my arm on the plate or in the syrup or in a pool of it somehow. And so, yeah, I've been...

Wait, just by yourself? By myself. You just got... I sat at the counter and just got... Not even like a breakfast, not even like, oh, the Grand Slam. It was just pancakes. So you got so drunk that you weren't aware of what was going on around you.

I love the recovered memory part of it. Like the children who had a doll to point. Yes, show me where you put the pancakes. Totally. Do you think it's possible that your parents were in a satanic cult and that's what caused you to eat the pancakes? It's possible that your parents were in a satanic cult and that's what caused you to eat the pancakes. I mean, that would be nice if I had something to blame it on other than poor self-control. I have to say, when you first started telling the story of like being in a car and smelling syrup, my fear was that you drove in a blackout and got something and like you were discovering the scent of the car.

Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I was good enough to actually walk. Okay, that's great. So then I was like, the fact that it would concern you not that you drove blind drunk, but that you ate sugar. I'm like, what? Right, exactly. No, Jordan.

What really is the problem is your drinking and driving. I'm just relieved it was all over your sweater. Yes, it was. I'm worried now that you're going to start drinking in order to black out, in order to enable yourself to eat pancakes. Yeah, but I guess here's the good part of that, is that the pancakes included a mile walk to and from IHOP. So maybe that cancels out the fact that... And we should mention that you were wearing Skechers shape-ups, so it used 5% more calories. So, Jordan, what do you say?

You ready to head back to Hollyweird? No, I mean, I think that just kind of confirms my decision. I mean, that tale of excess and, you know. Jordan, I have an idea. Okay. You saying excess made me think of it. Mm-hmm. How about.

Yes, I would like to go to an in excess contest. Also leather pants only. Let's just say that you and I play a quick round of Wadlord. And whoever wins gets to pick your personal future. I kind of forget how to play Wadlord. Okay. Brian, can you play the Wadlord clip with our friend Phil Elverum? Yep.

We did develop a game. I should release it here on your podcast. Oh, great. It's in development. So we haven't worked out all of the rules, but it's called WODlord. It's based on a wad of cash. That happens on tour. You know, you're selling merch or whatever.

And so different people contribute to the communal wad. And one of them, you need at least three, I guess, and at least three people. And one of them is designated as the WODlord. And they wear a long white beard and a visor. This sounds like it might be a good Kickstarter project for us. Yeah, I think so. Put together a little kit. Maybe I shouldn't be launching it now, but whatever.

It's a good place to build buzz. You're building buzz. I'm building buzz right now. The WODlord is the only one that knows how much money is in the Wad. And it's everyone else who has contributed. They know how many bills they have contributed and what denominations, but they don't know. What everybody else contributed. Yeah, but it's the most basic game, actually. I don't need to explain it very long.

You're trying to guess how much money is in the Wad. But the thing is you get the money if you get closest to it. And it could be like $500. Is part of the Wadlord's duty to taunt you? No, the Wadlord is basically just this omnipresent, all-knowing, all-seeing. Okay. Like a godhead. Godhead, yeah.

You might meet the Wadlord if you did some salvia. Yeah, you might. You might meet the Wadlord if you did some salvia. Yeah, you might. But so, yeah, if you contribute like a $100 bill, then you know that kind of you're the one that knows that there's more than $100. Yeah, exactly. Whereas other people might guess that it's less than $100. Yeah, their guess is it'll be like $18. Sure.

And you're like $175. Yeah. But then if you lose it, then, you know, it's a bigger risk. I mean, you can afford that kind of thing. You're the front man. Yeah, sure. You're from this operation. Everybody else is, everybody else, they're just side men.

They're basically on the dole. There's a lot of flaws to this game. Like strategically. I see none. But I love how raw it is. Just like exchanging cash. It's being like a pile of money. Who knows this?

I also like that it has costumes involved with it too. Well, because we couldn't figure out how to market it. We thought like, you don't need anything to play this game. You just need to know how it's played. You would sell just a giant box, maybe like a treasure chest that has a real key that opens. Yeah, you have a beard and then a card that says

guess how much money there is. Yeah, that's the rules. Guess how much. Put on beard. And a money clip, maybe. A nice embossed. I'd like to see a range of products. Wad Kit Basic. Wad Kit Advance. WAD kit advanced.

Oh, expansion packs. WAD kit deluxe. There are, yeah, variations on the game. There's wild WAD, and that's where different people, there's no limit WAD. Wild WAD's just the same thing, but in Colorado. Well, if you want to maybe follow the risk model, you guys can release a future version, WAD 2050. And then, you know, the WAD lore is also a cyborg. Jordan, now that I've heard that,

and thank you for playing it, Brian, it doesn't seem like a good idea. It does not seem like a solution. I apologize. Yeah, I mean, again, I think that just goes with my whole complaint about the world of podcasting leading to,, kissing men, that sort of thing. Can I suggest that not all of the entertainment industry is as unwholesome as the indie rock business that Phil is in, where people are engaging in games like Wild Lord.

Take, for example, Silent Film. I mean, that's something that you could do on the side if you came back to Hollywood. And maybe you and I could get going a reboot of the Foxy Grandpa franchise.

I mean, it's tempting because, I mean, Silent Film has never been bigger. Jordan, let me play for you the time that you and I and Kimmy Gatewood talked about Foxy Grandpa for the first time on this program.

And I'll see if it changes your mind. Okay. Would you guys say that your favorite movie of the silent era or your favorite movie of all time is the boys think they have one on Foxy Grandpa, but he fools them? I mean, it's in my top ten. Right. I mean, it's right up there with Horse Running. It's one of the best of Joseph Hart's Foxy Grandpa films.

Sure. I mean, he's the quintessential Foxy Grandpa. Kimmy, do you not remember this one? It seems like maybe you don't remember. No way. Maybe if I remind you the plot summary, it will help you remember. If you wouldn't mind. The boys dance to Grandpa's banjo playing,

then indicate he can't equal their skill. Grandpa gets up and performs an intricate step while still playing the banjo. Do you remember that one? It's coming back to me. Was there a foxy grandma involved?

Okay, let me ask you. You might be thinking of foxy grandpa and Polly in A Little Hilarity. Of course, that starred Carrie DeMar as Polly alongside Joseph Hart's classic portrayal of foxy grandpa. classic portrayal of Foxy Grandpa. That's the one where Polly and Foxy Grandpa perform a vaudeville-style dance on a small stage in what appears to be a ragtime rhythm. Of course, there's no sound. It's a silent film. So there's really no way of knowing.

So you have to know by the rhythm of their dancing what the music sounds like. Right. You have to kind of guess. Well, it appears to be a ragtime rhythm although it's certainly not a minuet no no not at all not at all and it's not to be confused with other other films of the time like monkey shines number two it's nothing compared to monkey shines number one i'll tell you the original is always the best two was just a cash-in yeah, you can't just switch Belushis. You know what I mean? You can't just. When did?

I'm curious. This was Hiram Belushi and Shlomo Belushi. I'm curious, what does Foxy mean here? And when did it come to mean like a babe? Like that 80s connotation of foxy? I think foxy grandpa must be like wily. Yeah. Right?

Like sly like a fox. Yeah, sly like a fox. Because you wouldn't expect him to know such an intricate step while playing the banjo, but then he does. So he was like a fox will conceal a dead will, you know, conceal a dead chicken. Right. Grandpa will conceal dancing abilities. Well, it revolved around foxy grandpa, an elderly gentleman with two mischievous grandsons, of course. Their names, Chubb and Bunt, who constantly tried to trick him.

Oddly enough, Bunt was the fat one. You know, Chubb just always had an erection. If I were a gay pornographer, I would be looking into buying the rights to the Foxy Grandpa series right now. Oh, yeah. Right? You get Chubb and Bunt and a little hot brother-on-brother action. Sure. I mean, that's great because what you want these days in entertainment is an IP, an intellectual property that has a lot of name recognition.

I mean, and that even extends into the gay pornography space, I would imagine. You know, like, I mean, you want something to, you know, you don't want to just pull a story out of thin air. You want something that people know. You want, like, a battleship, a Transformers, a foxy grandpa. Yeah, just something that has, like like an immediate resonance in the audience. And ultimately, you know, you can transform that as you will. You don't have to literally do a remake of Foxy Grandpa shows boys he is a magician. Yeah.

Although if you are a gay pornographer, that might be a good place to start. Tagline. Can I tell you what easily the best one to do if you are a gay pornographer is? Foxy Grandpa shows the boys are trick or treat. I can't even. Okay. Foxy Grandpa. I can guess which one it is.

Foxy Grandpa massages the prostate. No. It's Foxy. This one is actually very highly rated This one's 8.1 out of 10 on IMDb Wow Who's rating silent movies on IMDb? Sorry Foxy Grandpa shows the boys a trick or two

With the tramp That's the whole title? Yeah So I'm assuming Charlie Chaplin makes an appearance in that one Yeah Gotta figure This one does not have. That was kind of like the Avengers of the time.

Yes, it really was. People have been watching these guys in separate movies. So the titles of these are just the plots. Boys take grandpa's cigars with distressing results. These are the actual titles. I'm reading these from IMDb. I'm not making these up. These titles are like the TV guide description of a show now.

Yes. Like it's just. Yes, absolutely. Although one of them is just called The Creators of Foxy Grandpa. Oh. So do you think that's like a behind the scenes featurette? I mean, I think it's probably like adaptation, where it's like a meta, you know, kind of commentary on what it's like to...

I hope that's silent as well, the creators of Foxy Grandpa. Just waving their arms around. Why Foxy Grandpa Escaped a Ducking is one of them. What is that? Foxy Grandpa's boys attempt to play a practical joke on him by putting a bucket of water over his door and connecting with the string to the doorknob. Ho, ho. That's handsome.

Ho, ho. How long are these movies? While they are away. They're 60 seconds tops. Foxy Grandpa changes the string from the doorknob to the doorbell. Uh-oh. doorknob to the doorbell. The boys return, pull the bell, and give themselves a ducking while foxy grandpa looks on with twinkling eyes from a corner of the window. Excellent comedy.

Well worked out. So. Where does that description come from? Just an autistic boy in Iowa. I always wondered about that prank, the bucket of water above the door. The bucket will hurt someone, right? Like, I mean, the water just doesn't come down. You get a fucking bucket in the face too, right?

I mean, especially if it's one of those old metal pails. Well, you've got to use a lightweight aluminum bucket, right? Unless it works like the Lord of the Rings ring, which flies up and lands on someone's finger perfectly every time it's thrown in the air. So a bucket just goes right on your head when it's above a door. A ducking, if you will. So you've got some sort of magic bucket theory. Indeed. I'm glad.

I want to know, what I really want to know is what the distressing results are when the boys take Grandpa's cigars. Grandpa flips the fuck out. Two boys are sitting on a bench smoking a cigar until they become ill. Foxy Grandpa escorts a lovely young woman over to the bench

as the boys run off. What? Foxy Grandpa tricked them into stealing his cigars and smoking them and getting sick so that he would have

use of the bench for fucking. Oh, so this is all an intricate ruse. Yeah, you know how foxy, this is a foxy guy. There's no doubt about that when it comes to foxy grandpa. I bet, but yeah, and I bet like back in the day when, you know, when sexuality was a little more taboo,

if you wanted to hire a prostitute, you probably had to take her to a bench. Oh, absolutely. I mean, you don't want to be seen by a motel owner. No. You know, you'd be defamed. You certainly can to be seen by a motel owner. No. You know, you'd be defamed. You certainly can't have sex with a prostitute in your home. No, absolutely not.

You just got to drag her over to the bench. Well, there weren't a lot of cars to fuck in, so. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Benches were a nice place, not on the ground. Yeah. You could fold your clothes, put them next to a tree. Sure. Oh, and then like maybe, oh, that would be a funny silent movie.

Foxy Grandpa is fucking a prostitute on a bench, and then a raccoon runs away with his clothes. Which one is that, Jessie? Oh, that's Foxy Grandpa fucks prostitute on bench, raccoon runs away with his clothes. The title is what is happening. I'm really interested now in this other film by the star

of Foxy Grandpa. Foxy Grandpa mostly just did the Foxy Grandpa films. But he also starred in the film European Rest Cure. That sounds kind of saucy. Sounds like a Chevy Chase franchise. You know, Foxy Grandpa has new kids in every rest cure movie.

Can I tell you what the plot of European rest cure is? Sure. An American going to Europe for a rest cure. Oh, sure. Which is something. That's an enema, right? That's got to be. Yeah.

That's just old time for enema. I mean, it's possible that it's group sex. Oh, yeah, could be. Like in 1902, that's what they called that. Or pickling your nuts. An American going to Europe for a rest cure says goodbye to his family, then boards a ship that heads out to sea, where it runs into some rough weather. When they reach Ireland, the man has a mishap.

And then in Paris, he gets involved in a fracas. As he continues on to his other stops, as he continues on to his other stops, things get even less restful. Holy shit,

there's this other summary. It has to be as long as the entire movie it's like four paragraphs from the Edison catalog yeah I mean guys when I think

when I think European rest cure something else that comes to mind other than like weird enema is like you know

when they said a woman was hysterical and they would apply a vibrator that seems like something they would also call a rest cure those were the days

weren't they simpler times fucking on benches apply a vibrator. That seems like something they would also call a rest cure. Those were the days. Weren't they? Simpler times. Fucking on benches and jacking off when you're crazy. When an industrial vibrator was the cure for basically everything.

Immortal power. Plug it in. Yeah, I mean, I think Foxy Grandpa is kind of ripe for a remake. If not in the gay pornography space, I mean, maybe, you know, maybe it's like a webisode or something like that. I think Foxy Grandpa is kind of ripe for a remake, if not in the gay pornography space. I mean, maybe, you know, maybe it's like a webisode or something like that. I think we could bring back Foxy Grandpa.

Yeah, who do you think has the rights to it? Let's kickstart this thing. Who do you think has the rights to it? If we need to do Foxy Grandpa, probably like, we probably could do it for $15,000, right? Let's get Jack Black involved, guys. Oh, okay. Immediately. Sure.

As Foxy Grandpa. You don't want Alan Harkin? Yeah, Jack Black. We want him in old age makeup. I want Donald Sutherland. Donald Sutherland's a good choice. Donnie Suth. Maybe Jack Black is not Chubb, the other one.

Oh, Jack Black is one of the sons. Yeah, sure. Bunt. Bunt, thank you. Jack Black and Steve Zahn. Let's get the gang from Saving Silverman back together. Sure, get them back. America's the managing. Yeah.

America loves to watch that. Today, up on Saturday on Comedy Central. Sure. Yeah, and then maybe like an Alan Arkin. I mean, maybe we can make use of both connotations of Foxy and get like a John Slattery in there. He's a silver Fox. Silver Foxy grandpa. You got it.

I think he's, you know, every time he's given a comedic role, he does a pretty good job, I think. So, yeah, maybe it's time. Realistically though, it's just going to be either you or me in a fake beard. Well, yeah. But we could say we have other casting ideas in the Kickstarter on the Kickstarter page

absolutely yeah I mean this is to raise the money then yeah we raise the money then we dash the hopes what if we raise money to do it to do the artificial aging with CGI and Kimmy how do you feel about playing the lovely woman?

I mean, I guess this would... Penny the one that gets fucked? Yeah, the one on the bench. How do you feel about benches? I'm good with that. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're lovely. Thank you. Thanks. And you're a woman. And I hate cigars. Yes, we would not need to apply any CGI to make you lovely. You wouldn't have to, you know.

I thought you were going to say old for a second. Yeah. You look elderly. No, the young woman in this film is young. Sure. That's part of what makes it so funny because the foxy grandpa, he's so foxy that he got himself a young girlfriend to fuck on that park bench. And he tricked her into agreeing to do anal. I would guess that the rights to foxy grandpa are owned by like.

Little Nemo? Yeah, or someone who like owns the Borax Company. Or like. 12 mule train Borax featuring Foxy Grandpa. Yeah, so I guess we need to find whoever has the rights to Foxy Grandpa. Or whoever makes mustache wax or something. Somebody that owns Post Toasties. Sure.

Maybe it's in the public domain, you guys. Oh, maybe it is. Like America the Beautiful. Foxy Grandpa. Now we have a song for the big musical number. Yeah. Purple mountains, majesty. My sons are easily tricked.

Either one. My sons are easily tricked. Either one. You know, Jesse, I liked hearing that clip, I'll be honest with you. So did I. It was fun. I mean, it was a lot of fun. You know, you're great. Thank you. So are you, Jordan. I'm glad we're back together again. This is great. Can we go home? My problem, the problem is, I mean, I like your idea of rebooting the Foxy Grandpa franchise.

Thank you. But as I was listening to that, I was also flipping through this Hollywood Reporter, and it looks like Vin Diesel has already bought the rights to Foxy Grandpa, so this just can't happen. There are two things I'm surprised by. Number one, that Vin is comfortable playing a grandpa. There are two things I'm surprised by. Number one, that Vin is comfortable playing a grandpa. And number two, that you can get the Hollywood Reporter right on the newsstand here in Billings. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's a...

First, I mean, I talk about the, you know, you talk about the P.T. Barnum-esque showmanship that I have to display. I mean, people don't work in the entertainment industry a lot here, but they value it. Right. And plus, you need it if you're going to go, let's say people are in town to go on a fly fishing trip with David Letterman and Dan Rather. Of course. Michael Keaton. I mean, I think just, you know, I mean, obviously I enjoy your company, Brian. I enjoy your company.

And, you know, guests like Kimmy Gatewood are always great. But, I mean, I think also part of what I don't like about, you know, the world of show business is the kind of, like, seedy characters that you just have to deal with. I mean, and it's not. P.T. Barnum types. Right. I mean, it's not something you choose, but it's just, it just comes with the territory. And personally, I'd rather hang out here with a, you know, more salt of the earth crowd instead of like, I mean, I don't know, just a shyster. Give me an example. Give me an example.

I can only learn through examples. There was that time that I was, God, it's even like tough to talk about. It's okay. I was trying to block it out, but there was that time. You can tell me. I'm your therapist. I met Gallagher and he made fun of my name.

Brian, can you play that for us? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I just got off the plane. I was at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Portland, Oregon with our friend Matt Bronger. Yes, and

basically a lot of really cool things happened. But the but the most noteworthy is perhaps that I met Gallagher. So we should give Ricky some backstory. When Jordan and I were in college, Gallagher was scheduled to be on The Sound of Young America, but canceled at the last minute. But they were kind enough to give us a pair of tickets to see Gallagher in Salinas, California. Nice. Which turns out to be much further than we thought it was from Santa Cruz.

We always talked about getting out to Steinbeck country, and it was nice to have an excuse. Turns out it's like a 90-minute drive from Santa Cruz. So we drove so far to get to Salinas. Made it to this like town hall and the two things that are important to know about Gallagher show

are number one he loves and respects his fans. Signs autographs for like an hour two hours before and after the show. Rides around

on a tricycle through the audience throwing things before the show starts. Just loves his fans. And I think we should say and I should also say this about the meeting I had with him this weekend, is I guess there's no way for us to prove whether we were seeing Gallagher or Gallagher 2.

I think, yeah. Gallagher 2 is his brother who toured as Gallagher until he got sued by his brother Gallagher. He was just doing his brother's act. So that's number one., loves and respects his fans. Number two, much more racist and homophobic than you expected. Just a lot of sort of puerile,

sort of fourth grade-y race material. You know, just sort of like black guys have big dicks and Chinese guys have small dicks type material. I can't remember that. The one only joke I remember specifically is him pouring. Through this whole show, he's making pies to smash. Because he smashes watermelons. That's his big grand finale.

But he makes pies to smash first. And so he has these pans, pie pans, and he's putting different stuff in them that he's going to smash later at the end of the show. He doesn't smash anything for a solid two hours. Wow. Yeah, he does.

No opener. No opener. It's like Springsteen. It's like racist Uncle Springsteen. Old racist Uncle Springsteen. So he's filling pies with different shit. I do remember him, and he hates cities because he plays poorly there So he's filling pies with different shit. I do remember him. And he hates cities because he plays poorly there because he's terrible and not funny.

And he put a giant, like, borderline novelty size can of chow mein into a pan. And then he put a giant borderline novelty size can of fruit cocktail into the pan. And then he said,'s my san francisco pie that's the level of humor we're talking about at a gallagher show wow yeah for real big laughs on that line he got fucking gallagher is destroying destroying people are going crazy at one point right before the show started, Jordan turned to me and said,

I remember this, he turned to me and said, wow, I hope he does the bit where he smashes the watermelons. And this couple

in front of us turns around angry. And they say, and the husband says, we've been to see him four times and he always

does the bit where he smashes the watermelons. Yeah, and I guess it's surprising because I guess like I'm, you know, my favorite thing to do as a child was to get up around 7 a.m. on a Saturday and just watch Comedy Central. Right.

And, you know, I would just watch whatever was on before or after Mystery Science Theater. So it was either Monty Python and the Holy Grail or a Gallagher special from like the 70s. And I guess I- Probably the two comedic high points of the 70s.

Yeah, exactly. I know. Yeah. So yeah, and I guess I always associate him as like a free love guy. You think of him as being like Robin Williams in his first special. Right, exactly. Or a kind of a wavy gravy Jerry Garcia kind of comedian. Like a goofball.

Yeah, and it was really amazing to hear the racial stuff. Anger. A lot of anger. Yeah. So here was my interaction with him. Okay. It was just, I was getting out of my- What are the circumstances today? I was getting out of my first show at the Mount Tabor Theater and just kind of on the sidewalk.

And someone taps me on the shoulder and it's like a photographer. It's a girl with a camera. I think I've seen her taking pictures around. And she's like, hey, I'm a little drunk. Get a picture with Gallagher. I turn around and Gallagher is standing there with a plastic bag from 7-Eleven. Gallagher also has a like a windbreaker with his picture on the back. Like a Gallagher anorak.

Yeah. One of his signature anoraks. Right. And so I'm there with Mike Burns and Mike Bridenstine. Yes. And so everybody kind of crowds around Gallagher. Heather Thompson, too, I should say. Everybody was there.

That maybe our audience doesn't know. Maybe they do. So everybody crowds around Gallagher. We take a picture. If you're friends with me on Facebook, you can see it. It actually came out pretty good. And then we just started talking to Gallagher. We take a picture. If you're friends with me on Facebook, you can see it. It actually came out pretty good. And then we just started talking to Gallagher. And Gallagher asked me. So he got the information that we were all comics.

He does not seem to know what the Bridgetown Comedy Festival is. He was brought in to do it. Was he performing at it? He, I guess, was guesting on people's podcasts. Okay. So I think, oh, you know, I guess, was guesting on people's podcasts. Okay. Oh, you know, I think he was on the live Walking the Room. Gotcha. It's interesting

that he would do that because he's had bad experiences on podcasts. Yeah, I know. I'm not sure he knows that. Yeah. He either thinks he was great or forgot that it happened. So, first things first, he offers us pork rinds. Great.

In his plastic 7-Eleven bag is a bag of pork rinds. He offers us pork rinds. Is there any dick pills in there? I did not see any Vibramax or Extendo files. But... An Extendo file, by the way way is not a dick pill that's a dick pill enthusiast

right yeah exactly you know the first dick pill was alright what can I say I'm quite the extendophile the ancient Babylonians had a version of the dick pill so he offers

everybody pork rinds. Then he asked me if I was a comic, and I said that I was. And he's like, so what's your name? And I said, Jordan. He's like, huh, so you're going with that? He's actually pretty funny. And I'm like, yeah, I mean, I guess so, right?

I'm like, what's wrong with it? He's like, no, Jordan, it's like a girl's name. He's like, what's your last name? I said, Morris. He's like, Jordan, it's like a girl's name. I'm like, what's your last name? I said, Morris. He's like, oh, you should call yourself that. I like that Gallagher is advocating. His main advice. Is do exactly what I did.

This works great for him. I mean, to be fair. Yeah. So I told him my name was Morris. So he's like, oh, you know what you should do? Just double it. Call yourself Morris Morris. And then what you do is you come out on stage and you say, are you ready for more Morris?

Which seems like a great idea. So that happened. And then just it segued seamlessly into racist Obama one-liners. Wow. Yeah. Can I say, though, look, I don't think Jordan's a girl's name. Yeah. I do like the name Morris Morris.

I think that is a strong comedy name. Well, I mean, I think if this was the 70s and I was looking to be a rainbow suspended tie-dyed shirt, you know, free love bus roller skating comedian, Morris Morris is great. But, I mean, you're like, roller skating comedian. Morris Morris is great. But I mean, you're like a fun guy still. I mean, that's true. All I'm saying is I think Morris Morris would work for you right now. The only kind of guy I think Morris Morris doesn't work for is like, uh, I'm, I'm, I'm

telling the truth when everyone else is scared to that guy. Like if Doug Stanhope's name was Morris Morris, you wouldn't buy it. I would have a hard time with that. But I think a fun guy like you, Do you think I should get fatter? Morris Morris.

I was going to say, if, you're saying getting fatter because right away I was thinking Bruce Bruce. If Bruce Bruce can exist. There's nothing wrong with Bruce Bruce.

There's nothing wrong with Bruce Bruce at all. Bruce Bruce has had a lot of success, my friend. That's true. I mean, you get, had a lot of success before he died from his corpulent obesity. Is Bruce Bruce gone? I think Bruce Bruce is had a lot of success, my friend. That's true. I mean, you get. Had a lot of success before he died from his corpulent obesity.

Is Bruce Bruce gone? I think Bruce Bruce is gone. What? Brian, can you look up whether Bruce Bruce is alive? Oh, no. I think he's passed on. I might be mistaken. He didn't make it.

And you know, just while we're doing that check. He didn't make it. He didn't make it through the 800-pound crucible. While you're doing that, check up on Earthquake, too. Probably. Just to be safe. Earthquake, too. Probably just to be safe. Earthquake's definitely still with us. Yeah.

Bruce Bruce is with us. Brian has confirmed. He was in the movie Think Like a Man. I'll tell you. Bruce Bruce. What was he hosting? What was he hosting? He was hosting Comic View or was he hosting?

He was hosting Comic View for a minute. Showtime at the Apollo. There was something that he was hosting that I feel like was in syndication. I think it was Comic View. Was it Comic View or was he hosting I was hosting Comic View for a minute Showtime at the Apollo there was something that he was hosting that I feel like was in syndication I think it was I think it was Comic View was it Comic View

okay he was a great host he's not a great comedian I don't really think but he is a great host Bruce Bruce comes out on stage says some stuff

you're ready to fucking enjoy yourself that's what I think about Bruce Bruce like he's just out there he's having fun you're having fun with enjoy yourself. That's what I think about Bruce Bruce. He's just out there. He's having fun. You're having fun with him. He's got dancing ladies.

I remember he always had dancing ladies. It's fun. It's Bruce Bruce. We're all having fun. You can pull off a suit and dreadlocks, like the tight cornrows. I was in. I was always like,

I like this guy. Absolutely. Start talking, buddy. You got me. So is the plan for me to get really fat? No. I think you could be Morris Morris with horn-rimmed glasses. Oh, okay.

What about horn-rimmed glasses? So I'm like a Shelly Berman type? Am I? I'm not talking about full-on elderly Jew glasses. Okay. Number one, that's my territory. Sure. Number two.

Step on your thing. Jew glasses. Okay. Number one, that's my territory. Sure. Number two. Step on your thing. Number two, I think, no, I think more of a, you don't have to be a full-on Poindexter. I think you can be a sort of, you know, like a mid-century, like, oh, what is what's our man on like the other dudes

on Mad Men? A beard guy or... Like the copywriters on Mad Men. Yeah, like the copywriters on Mad Men. What's our guy that we have met before from Mad Men? He's on Never Not Funny all the time. Oh, I don't think I've ever met anybody from Mad Men.

Very nice man. Rich? Rich Summer. Very nice man. Very funny man. I think you Summer. Rich Summer. Rich Summer. Very nice man. Very funny man. I think you'd be a Rich Summer type. Okay. And be Morris Morris. You don't have to play it up. See, that's the thing.

You don't play it up. Okay. It's not like, look out, y'all. Here comes Morris Morris. Hey, guys. Remember encyclopedias? Call me crazy. I still have a nice set.

That's my joke. I think you just present that like that's your name. You don't play it up. Yeah. It's just sticky. It sounds good. You got the horn rim glasses. Do I need like a cardigan?

Yeah. Okay. Cardigan and don't go with a bow tie. That's too much. Oh, okay. I say a knit tie. Get yourself a nice knit tie. Get yourself a cardigan.

Get yourself a slim pant. And I think Morris Morris is in business. You know who I would use as an example would be Cyril from Archer. Okay. Sure. He seems like a – can I – okay. And I just don't know. I don't know if we're just saying this as kind of an overall image makeover for me.

But I don't know how this applies to my stand-up act. Most of my jokes are about medical marijuana. I think they work. Because I think you are presenting yourself. I'm like a libertine. No, you're like a hip, fun, cool guy. Okay. And your name's Morris Morris because Morris is a cool name.

Okay. I like the idea of the announcer going, here comes Morris. I like the excitement behind that. Hey, okay. Can I just work on some like just kind of opening, not jokes, but like greetings? Because I kind of feel like I should have like a signature. Sure. Yeah.

Like a signature greeting. A catchphrase. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. Hey, guys. I'm here to crush some pussy. Is that in line? I'm not sure if that is tonally.

I don't know how it fits with the character, but if you do it a couple times and it doesn't fit with the character, I'd dump the character. Keep the line. The line is too good. That's the kind of opener. When you come on stage and you say, I know what you're thinking, it's like so-and-so had a baby with someone. You're trying to get on the audience's good side, make a really serious connection with the audience. And I think another way of saying that would be you're trying to crush the audience's pussy. Sure, absolutely.

Yeah, I don't want them to think I'm trying to have sex with them. Like mentally. Yeah, I mean, you're out there to crush puss as a metaphor. You're seeing the pee as a... And I will say one thing. Can I say one thing about Morris Morris? Please. You're going to have to develop some Morris dancing material.

Okay. At least something about a maypole. I am not comfortable dancing. No, material about Morris dancing. Huh. What do you mean by that? It's like a medieval dance. Okay.

You know, something about, oh, you know, when we, you know, like right after you're done Morris dancing, you're tired, your doublet is soaked with sweat, and you're going to go eat a weird bird because you're hungry, and it's the Middle Ages. Can I try another opener? Yeah. Well, there's blood in my stool. Do you like that better?

I know. I like crushing some puss better. Okay. Crushing puss is- I don't like saying puss. I like saying pussy. Pussy. Okay. Crushing puss is... I don't like saying puss. I like saying pussy. Pussy. Okay.

That's a good opener. Puss makes me feel... Remember, what you're saying is that you're really powerful because pussy is very powerful. Right. Exactly. And puss is just, you know, sweaty. Well, puss is... That's the way you call it, kitty cat.

Sure. Can Morris Morris make, can there be any kind of involvement in the show with Morris Day? Can we get him involved somehow? I would say

don't get Morris Day involved. No? I would say get Jerome involved. We need Jerome and we need that big ass mirror.

The guy that holds the mirror for Morris Day in the movie Purple Rain. Boy, do you think that I... Come on. Well, is that going to be a problem? Is Morris Day going to come to the show and heckle then?

Because I didn't ask him? Morris Day right now... I don't need that. Morris Day is on tour. Morris Day is getting that money opening for whatever, Earth, Wind & Fire, at county fairs. Sure. He is not sweating it. Him and Frankie Beverly are fucking counting theirs. Sure. He is not sweating it. He is, him and Frankie Beverly

are fucking counting their money. Yeah. Okay. So he's not gonna come to whatever dates I have and be pissed off that I didn't ask him?

No. Okay. Look, that guy is fucking chilling out. I mean, he's got that bird money coming in.

He's got that bird money, he's got that jungle money, he's got that ice cream money. He's got that ice cream castle's money. He's got that ice cream castle's money. As long as we're talking about which famous musical Morris is to involve, do you think we can get one-time Black Flag League singer Keith Morris in on this? I think you can because I think Keith Morris is right now,

he's looking at the money that Henry Rollins is bringing in, touring with his stand-up act, relative to how funny Henry Rollins is. And he's thinking to himself, I got to get in on this. No offense to Henry Rollins, who's great, by the way. Sure. Just not that funny. No, absolutely not. Interesting.

I mean, moderately pretty interesting guy. I love listening to him talk. I can listen to him talk about the old DC days forever. Is he really doing stand-up? He does a thing that's like... It's spoken word, but it's supposed to be funny. Wow. It's a lot better at being interesting than it is funny.

Absolutely. If you admire Henry Rollins, you will enjoy it. If you don't, you will not enjoy it. Sure. But Henry Rollins is great overall. It is dependent on loving Henry Rollins. Okay. Going into it If you don't, you will not enjoy it. Sure. But, yeah, Henry Rollins is great overall. It is dependent on loving Henry Rollins. Okay. Going into it, it's not going to sway you.

Yeah. It's sort of like the stand-up comedy that, like, you know, the Million Dollar Man does or whatever. What's the professional wrestler? It's N.T. Piazzi. Yeah. Does he do stand-up? I don't know.

I feel like there's a lot of... I'm all in on that. There's a lot of 80s professional wrestlers like the Ultimate Wrestler or somebody. No, Rowdy Roddy Piper is doing stand-up comedy. That's who I'm thinking of.

Yes, he does. It's sort of like Rowdy Roddy Piper. It's kind of a career retrospective. Yeah. It's a review. Is he doing a review?

Is that what it is? I don't think Rollins is doing a review. I don't think Rollins has a dance number. Okay, so I can get one-time Black Flag lead singer Keith Morris to do something. Yeah, but not Morris Day, but you should try and get Jerome if you've got the money. Okay.

Yeah, I mean, I do. I've got a budget for this. Worst case scenario, Wendy and Lisa. Okay. I think you can get someone who is loosely associated with Prince. Yeah, best case scenario, Apollonia. Focus on Apollonia. I shouldn't shoot for Sheila E.

That's too ambitious. Sheila E, the problem, here's the problem with Sheila E. I guess this also applies to Morris Day and Wendy and Lisa. Super, super talented. So she's probably got like, here's the thing. If she had fallen on hard times, she could just start selling tom drums. Sure. super, super talented. So she's probably got like, here's the thing. If she had fallen on hard times, she could just start selling tom drums. Sure.

She could sell a tom once a week to pay her bills, and she could pay her bills for 20 years just from her main stage kit. Yeah. So she's not sweating it. So you're saying that whoever I'm getting to join this act, which is becoming less and less like stand-up comedy, it needs to be someone who is desperate in some way. Which would apply to Keith Morris because he formed a weird non-Black Flag, Black Flag tribute band that's just called Flag.

I would say Get Sheila E's dad, Pete Escovedo. Latin music legend, Pete Escovedo. This is starting to sound... I really hope I'm getting that name right. Did you guys see when Prince was on Fallon a couple weeks ago? No. I watched a performance. I did too. Is that the one with his new all-lady band?

Yes. I was going to ask who was in that band. Just random people. I don't know who any of those women are. It's all women. Yeah. Prince had a, I don't know if Prince, Prince has a habit of sort of trading in his bands. Okay. And I don't know what's up with all lady bands.

Are you suggesting that maybe he's difficult? Prince? No. No. I think Prince has a reputation for consistent behavior. Sure. Like being- Consistently erratic.

Thoughtful and predictable. Sure. Are probably the two words that most collaborators would use to describe Prince. So right now, so it's me. I'm in a cardigan and a knit tie. Yeah. I go on stage. Nice slim pant.

Don't forget that. Nice slim pant. Maybe a wingtip. Okay. I ask the audience- You could go with a Nice slim pant. Maybe a wingtip. Okay. I asked the audience. You could go with a simple sneaker. You like a Vans. I'd say you could do that for a hipster's sake.

Okay. I don't know. I don't like it when people are like Vans with slacks. Right? That looks dumb. Well, then don't. I'm not going to do it. Don't.

Wear a nice wingtip. Yeah. So, okay. So, I'm going on stage. I'm in this outfit. I asked the audience. I tell them that I'm there to crush some puss right

some pussy excuse me I'm there to crush some pussy uh drum solo by Sheila E's dad he's playing he's playing congas okay

former former black flag front man Keith Morris comes up and talks about his experience uh you know as a punk rock legend and then you close with

Jerome bring me my mirror 50 bucks a ticket gosh Jordan I had forgotten about that I guess Hollywood is kind of a dark place a rough place you know is. A rough place.

You know what? Something happened on the show when you weren't here. And I would love to bring you in on this. Me and friend of the show, Nick Adams, Nick Repeat Adams, and our friend comedian Kurt Braunohler came up with a great sitcom premise. And I can really see you in, I would say, Brian, would you say either of the lead roles? Either one. Either one.

Eagle or Pelican. Yeah, it's called Eagle and Pelican. Eagle versus Pelican? I think it's versus, yeah. Eagle versus Pelican. Instead of just me going through the whole thing, why don't we play the clip and you can hear and you can tell me if you're interested. Oh, this will get you. Okay, let's take another call.

Hi, John and Jesse Go. This is Alan calling from Savannah, Georgia. I was just on my way home from work when I saw the most beautiful bald eagle fly and land on a telephone pole. The awesomest thing about it was right next to that beautiful bald eagle was a pelican. Sixty feet in the air, a bald eagle and a pelican just hanging out. I don't live on the ocean. I live about 15 miles inland, and I live next to a little bit of a swamp.

So I guess there's some fish in there, and they're both a bald eagle and a pelican think are delicious. Love you, boys. Have a good day. Hey, I love you too, buddy. That is a great call. Now, what's that interaction like, a bald eagle and a pelican? Are they like enemies, or do they just sort of acknowledge each other quietly like a nod? The pelican is kind of, he's more like a bro.

Right. He's down at the docks, and the bald eagle's a little bit of an asshole. Kind of above it all. He's a little bit aloof. Can I suggest something to you guys, though? Two words. Unlikely friendship.

Oh, yeah. Right? These guys are like, these guys are the best of friends. They're thick as thieves. You don't expect it. Pelican, you left your fish all over the place again.

Oh, bald eagle, you're so uptight. Pelican and eagle. Pelican and bald eagle. One episode's just about having feet. Webbed feet. Webbed feet. Webbed feet and claws. Web feet. Web feet versus claws. Yeah, because the pelican is like, I want claws.

And then the eagle's like, I want web feet. And then they realize, oh no, I'm perfect the way I am. But for one episode, they make it so that he has claws and the other one has a mitten on. Can I tell you something that happens? The bald eagle goes to the fridge and he's like,

where's that six pack I left in here? And then the pelican opens up his beak and there's a six pack inside his face. Full of eyes there. Full of eyes. Oh no, that's right. That goes in the opening montage. That goes in the opening montage.

And they're just sitting on the couch together and just reaches over and pops one off out of his mouth. Oh, I love it. Showtime, if you're listening. Shameless, come on. I think we could pitch that tomorrow. Yeah. Jesse, I mean, listening to that, I mean, that sitcom idea is...

Hold on one second. Sure. 79, 79 right here. Sorry, I was just... Are you actually going to bid on a cattle and bring it? Just a Holstein. Okay. Just a milk cow.

All right. Just bidding on it. I'm not bidding on a big jersey. So as I was saying, I think that your... saying, I think that your sitcom idea is great. I mean, frankly, and I'm sure it'll take off, but that'll just lead me even further down this dark path. I mean, the show will obviously become a hit. Right. That'll mean more.

Fueling the podcast. We'll have more and more fans they'll be sending us stuff we'll be making money it'll be great i know well that mean that it'll it'll just mean more you know decadent parties and yes you know foreign drugs and sure strange women with weird vaginas i mean and the next thing you know, I'm high on smack and I'm crashing a blimp into the Hollywood sign. And I don't know. That sounds like a good life. No, I don't need that.

That sounds great. How about something simpler? How about a kind European person takes the time out of their day to send you a confection? Now, that's something I definitely don't want any part of. Why not? I remember it happened on the show, a European, a shady European. I mean,

but what European is? A questionable continental. Yeah, it's a little redundant to say shady European. I hate to style check you on that one, but Strunk and White says repetitive. Fair enough. But I just don't want to be put into another situation

where I'm forced to eat something that a European thinks is delicious but is clearly not because they're crazy. Another situation. I don't remember any such situation. Actually, that didn't happen. It happened. Play it and prove it. Okay. Everyone else in the world thinks our chocolate is gross.

Yeah. Because it's too sour. Okay. And milky and not chocolatey enough, which is true. Totally true. Yeah, 100% true about that. Okay, have some of these. Oh, wow, they're really flat.

I can see how flat it is now. But why the weird mints and licorices and... Oh! Oh, my God! Wow. is now. But why the weird mints and licorices and just generally... Oh my god! Wow! Holy shit! I feel like maybe I shouldn't do this, but hey. No, eat it!

Whoa! It looks like a science project. Don't eat that handful! Just eat one! Wow! Holy mackerel. Yeah, same thing. It just tastes like- That tastes like an emotion.

I don't- How do you- It tastes like jealousy. Yes, it does. It's a huge mouthful of jealousy. Thank you for the mouthful. Oh, you saved my life. Holy mackerel.

Yeah, I ate two. That is amazing. What's the matter with you, country? I think that's real salted licorice, right? Holy crap. It tastes like a combination of licorice. The base note is licorice. The top notes, the coating.

Oh, my God. It gets worse as it goes. It's stuck in my teeth. It eats like, it's like I just threw a handful of salt into my mouth and it's only cut with like lemon juice or something. You know what it tastes like? It tastes really similar to like sweet and low. If you ever eat sweet and low by itself, which I did as a kid and learned don't eat sweet

and low because it just tastes like salt until it's like activated by whatever you put it in. That's exactly what it tastes like. Sure. Hoo boy. Okay. I feel like this has like a third stage that it's going to go through in my bowels and it's not going to be fun. Like this is going to activate some sort of diarrhea trigger.

It's going to exit the chrysalis. Sure, right. Yeah. It's cocooning now. Jordan, what about little moments? Like do you have the one with our friend Shelby Farrell? Oh, sure. I have that. That's great.

Let's play it for Jordan. You gotta hear this one. I think that your point that we do have to make a living is a really good one. And because our chosen career is as a buyer and seller of corpses for medical research.

Oh, I didn't choose that. You were born into it. I was born into it. It was a family business. My dad left it to me. And coincidentally, we sold his corpse. It's what's called the circle of life. Did he just say someday this will all be yours?

Uh-huh. Come on, Shelby Farrow. She was a teen. Yeah, it was good. But, I mean, you know, again, it just seems like... What do you like about ranching? Give me one example of something that you like about ranching. The dressing.

The dressing? Ranch dressing. Is that the clothes? No, no. Do you have a... I get as much of it as I want. How does that work? When you become a rancher, you get...

There's a well. On the grounds of each ranch is a ranch well. What's in the well? Ranch dressing. Not cool, clear water? No, uh-uh. A milky, mayonnaise-y... Butter milky.

Yeah. To be clear. Butter milky, mayonnaise-y, you know, just delicious condiment for salads or dipping. Fries? Fries, sure. Pizza? Pizza. If you're in college. Sure.

Onion rings. Ooh. Oh. Mozzarella sticks. Wow. Cowboy coffee. Savory popsicles. Anything.

You can put some ranch on anything. Are you talking about corn dogs? I'm talking about a sausage that I've stuck a toothpick in and I've put in the fridge. Freezer, excuse me. Savory popsicle. Dunk a little, dunk it in some ranch that you've, that you've exhumed yourself from the earth. That is as baffling

and confusing to me as the themes of the Spinner's hit song, Rubber Band Man. Now, it just so happens we talked about that on the show with our friend Dana Snyder.

Brian, why don't you play that for us? Sure thing. So, I've been listening to this Spinner's CD, and one of my favorite Spinner songs is this song called Rubber Band Man. Now, Rubber Band Man is slang for like a hustler, like a guy that keeps his wad, so to speak, in a rubber band, right?

That's what, you know, like as in the song Rubber Band Man by T.I., produced by david banner but the rubber band man in the spinner song the rubber band man i can't even so it's a really great song so thomas has it loaded up and thomas have you have you got the track arm to record as well okay so so i thought that we could just take a listen to Rubber Band Man, pause a couple times in the verses. That's what makes it fair use. We're analyzing it.

Sure. And we could just address some of the themes that come up in the song by the Spinners, Rubber Band Man. And look, if you're not familiar with this song, you've got a treat ahead of you. This is a great song. So, Thomas, why don't you start Rubber Band Man here? This is a really fun intro. suggests a rubber band yeah right and a cool fanfare too like it's really getting you ready to enjoy something's coming

yeah you don't know what it is yet but well wait until you hear the first verse because that is the theme of the first verse is they get your fucking ass together. Hand me down a walk of cane. Hand me down my hat. Hurry now and don't be late, because we ain't got time to chat. Get dressed. You and me, we're going out to catch the last sound. Guaranteed to blow your mind so high you won't come down

Okay, so pause it there. Pause it for a second there, Thomas. This is the theme of the first verse is get your shit together. We do not have time to fuck around. We do not have time to wait. Give me my special hat and my special cane. Give me my good shit. Yeah, because the rubber band is about to jam.

It is an epic build up for this act. This is going to see Sinatra in his prime. Whatever the rubber band is, this is tremendous. Sure. And this isn't something

that was known. This isn't like about the song. The rubber band was created for this song. No, this is like, do you know how you hear about when movies were just invented and they would show something where the train was coming towards the audience and everyone would jump out of the way? That's the level we're at with the rubber band. This is something that is blowing people's fucking minds okay this is some new new shit that is really okay go ahead and press play

thomas it's a great song i love this song you're to lose control. You're going to shit your pants is what they're saying. You'll void your bowels hearing this. Everything he does seems to come out right. Everything he does comes out right. Okay. Okay, so everything he does comes out right. Seems to come out right.

This man, he is like a man god. The rubber band man is a man god. This is like nothing you've ever seen before. So they're not going to see the rubber band. They're going to see the rubber band man. Well, it's unclear whether they're going to see the rubber band, man, or the rubber band man so far. Because he does put a pause in there. The rubber band man.

So it could be the rubber band, man. Although then he did just say everything he seems to do or everything he says comes out. So it does seem like it is the rubber band man. It's just some Jesus type. Right. Flawless. Sure. Amazing.

This guy's turning coal into diamonds like fucking Superman. Let's listen. But listen to verse two, because verse two is the verse where we really start to get information. Specifics. Not just hype, but specifics about his act. Wait, what? Whoa, wait, what? Wait, I'm sorry, excuse me?

Okay, pause that. This is a hit song. Sure. A huge hit song from the late 1970s. In the first verse, we learned what an amazing act we're about to see. We need to get dressed up. We need a hat and cane to go see this act. Okay.

This is the act of the century. In verse two, we learn what the act is. A short, fat man stretching a rubber band between his toes. Then, the piece de resistance, it finally reaches his nose. Finally. So they're going to a freak show. It seems like a circus act. It's not like he's a three-legged man.

He just is putting a rubber band between his toes. He could just be a very bored man in an office supply closet. Sure, yeah. Later you get to see his little pig made from an eraser. It is a truly bubbling... He's very good at paper football.

So keep playing the song And this is a serious The Spinners are a serious band They perform serious love songs This isn't a song by Alan Sherman So I looked it up on the internet The guy who wrote the song for the Spinners Was

Okay And then he wriggles it up Around his nose The guy who wrote the song for the Spinners was... Okay. And then he wriggles it up. Around his nose? How could he even wriggle it to his nose? Up his gut? Yeah, boy. To his sternum? They seem to have unrealistic ideas of what a rubber band can do.

Oh, absolutely. No doubt about that. I'm guessing none of them have ever even seen a rubber band. Sure. They read it in the song like, oh, they all do that. Is this just a product of, you know, 70s psychedelics? Is this also like a metaphor? Is this also like a Bob Dylan, I'm waiting on my man kind of thing?

Or Velvet Underground, excuse me. I'll tell you what the explanation is on Wikipedia. Okay. The explanation on Wikipedia, I'm going to open it up on the internet so that I can tell it exactly. So turn the music up a little. Turn the music up a little. What? What? What the fuck? And then he had to go to twiggle his left toe But to his knee, got a feeling in his head, y'all Oh, come on, baby What?

What the fuck? Once you found yourself, you never heard the sound The ad-libs are amazing. Sure. Because they have all the commitment of soul music, but they're about a short, fat man playing a rubber band. Like, can you imagine being the baritone in the group? Yeah, and you having to say, what am I harmonizing with?

And you just, you get one line, and it's like, Eddie put it on his toes. Right. Right between his toes. Okay, the song, written by producer Tom Bell and singer-songwriter Linda Creed. Tom Bell is one of the most legendary vocal soul singer-songwriter producers ever. Was about Bell's son who was being teased by his classmates for being overweight. Intended to improve his son's self-image, the song eventually evolved from being about

the fat man to the rubber band man. Boy, yeah. I don't even see the journey of that happening. I think it's mushrooms. You eat a bunch of mushrooms and then you write a song and then... To be fair, this is like the

late 70s. Probably cocaine. Angel dust. Angel dust, okay. These guys are on PCP lifting up cars. Yeah, just writing songs. Yeah, so weird. What part of that would improve? Is it that everyone enjoys his freak show so much? That the guy's gonna put

a fedora hat on and a silver tip cane to go see a fat kid. To be fair. Which then switched to rubber but he's got some skill of being a playing a rubber band. I'm imagining a fat kid. To be fair. Which then switched to rubber, that he's got some skill of being a, playing a rubber band. I'm imagining a top hat, just so you know. FYI, a silk topper is what I'm imagining.

Okay, I was picturing a huggy bear sort of. Oh yeah, like a floppy shirt. Like a big late 70s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the kind with like a long velvet? You know, that kind of hat that I'm talking about with like a long, soft, like a plush. Something with some nap to it. Some weight, some expense.

Exactly. A look of quality. Is this just a product of like, and I'm no music historian. I never claim to be. But is this just- If you want to talk to a music historian, Peter Goralnik's your man. Sure. Yeah.

Not Jordan Morris. Right. Lester Bangs might have a few insights, but not you. Is this just some sort of like, I mean, I can't get away from the thought that this is some sort of like psychedelic thing, or this is some sort of drug metaphor. Like, I mean, again, this is not the genre of music. This is not a Donovan song. You think they retconned.

Right. This is coded somehow. There is a period where vocal group soul music went psychedelic. There's a producer named Norman Whitfield who wrote some big Motown hits in the 60s. And then when Motown went to albums in the early 70s after What's Going On and Stevie Wonder, he produced some albums for The Temptations that had psychedelic themes. One's called Psychedelic Shack. That goes psychedelic shack, that's where it's at. Psychedelic shack, that's where it's at.

One's called Ball of Confusion. That's what the world is today Psychedelic shack, that's where it's at. One's called Ball of Confusion. That's what the world is today. Itching off all my skin. Itching off all my skin is another one. Spiders get them off, sure. It's a sort of grand, we used to use for the KZSC News at our college station in Santa Cruz. I used to use for the newscast music the intro to one of those songs, it was called Masterpiece from an album called Masterpiece. And the intro that was just a sort of a vamp

went on so long that I could do the entire intro. I didn't have to edit it to make it. I could put down this record by the Temptations, group none of them play instruments let's be clear put it down drop the needle on it i could do the whole newscast like three four five minutes over the intro to the first song on the album like before the temptations started singing i could do the entire thing and that was because of psychedelics. And a sort of, and a grand vision of self that one can only presume was inspired by cocaine. Sure. So I guess, so yeah.

So what are the, what are the elements of psychedelic booze? Yeah. You have that long vampy kind of, you know, wall of sound. This has a throbbing cocaine-ish beat. Sure. Yeah. Well, but, but then you just, then you have, you know, kooky lyrics that,ooky lyrics that are a metaphor for something. This seems to be a perfectly pleasant soul song.

Maybe they don't want to freak you out if it was like, he's a guy with knife face. There's no good thing. You can't be on your drugs and start freaking out as opposed to like, oh, it's just a happy fat guy playing rubber band. Or maybe there's a version of this song that does have sitars and rain sticks and flugelhorns. You think this, what we just heard might be the cocaine remix. Sure. There's like a mescaline remix. Right.

Right. I guess that's the track that I'm on right now. Okay. No, I think that's an interesting possibility. No, I think that's an interesting possibility. I wonder if what I think is he wrote, first of all, he knew he needed to have a fat protagonist. Sure. A fat but beloved protagonist.

A Falstaffian character. Yes. Initially, he tried to write a story song where the fatness was incorporated into what made the character so beloved. Then he remembered that people hate fat people. He remembered he himself even finds fat people disgusting and horrible. His own child was a disappointment to him, despite the fact that he was trying to encourage him. And so he then said, I'm going to need to give him some other admirable characteristic.

And he looked around and he's like, stapler, no. Yeah. Okay. Explanation two. Yeah. You know, I think it's kind of the showbiz explanation for why the movie Prometheus is so weird is because it was a mashup of two different scripts. I guess someone had written this, you know,

science fiction, the first humans story, and then someone else had written an alien prequel. And they liked elements of both stories, but then just mashed them up into this one script that kind of didn't make a lot of sense. I'm guessing these songwriters, you have a woman who wants to write this heroic,

or I forget which songwriter it was, one wants to write the heroic fat son. Tom Bell wants to write about his son, the heroic fat boy. But then there's also. This is the chocolate in my peanut butter. Yes. Peanut butter in my chocolate. But I'd say maybe there's a Hudsucker proxy-like boardroom of men wanting to sell rubber bands to kids as toys, as musical instruments. And they're like, why can't we just combine this fat guy song and this rubber band product placement song?

And that's what we have is this kind of confusing thing that is neither the one nor the other. So you think Big Rubber is behind this? Right. Well, Big Band.

You know, Jordan, it's not just silly nonsense that we do on our show. Sometimes we do something virtuous. It's educational, and I did learn what a certain song may have meant. Yeah. And that's, you know, there's something to be said for that, I guess.

Do you remember this moment? Play the momentous occasion, Brian. Mm-hmm. Okay, we have one more call. Let's take a listen. Your dick's out. Hi. Okay, I'm calling to leave a message for a momentous occasion.

So, okay, I kind of have a two-for-one momentous occasion today. I'm really psyched. So the one is I've been working for a few years, wanting to go back to school eventually, and today I got accepted into the PhD program in civil engineering. And the two, the other momentous occasion, today the list of Olympic athletes in modern pentathlon, which is a sport you might need to Google. So the list of the athletes who will compete in the Summer Olympics in London

just got sent out by the International Sporting Federation today, and there's 36 women and 36 men, and my name is on the list for those 36 women. Wow. All right. Two things coincided, and now it's all coming together. Wow. So I'll be in London in August and get to go back to school in September.

So thanks. Okay. Bye. A pentathlete. I have a crush on this girl. Yeah. Holy shit. Let's go ahead and Google pentathlon.

Do you know? Yeah, it's like a track. It's track and field. The modern pentathlon is track and field. At the end of it, you get on a pentagram. Right, right. Dan, you're thinking of the movie The Craft. I don't.

I mean, that was a very exciting movie. I think modern Pentathlon, you're looking at a sprint, a long jump, a broad jump, a triple jump, I don't know. And a boar slaughter.

Right, a boar, yeah, sure. A virgin deflowering, you have to take the virginity. Let's see, pistol shooting.

Woo! Oh my God. Epi-fencing. I think that's classic pentathlon. The Wikipedia entry is modern pentathlon. Cross-country run, show jumping, and freestyle swimming. Is that right?

What? Those are the most ridiculous, incongruous sports I've ever heard. Yes. Show jumping? What the fuck is show jumping? And if your crush on this girl didn't increase after that, you, sir, do not have a pulse. What? I mean, is that just like jumping in an exciting way?

Oh, no. A horse. Like a show horse. Oh, shit. So not only do you have to wield a gun and a sword. Gun, sword, horse, swim. Yeah. So this is for Lara Croft only.

Oh, my God. Basically. This girl's awesome. What do you think her PhD is in? I don't know. How big do you think her jokes are? The events in indoor pentathlon are 60-meter hurdles, high jump, shot put, long jump, and 800 meters. Oh, did you say indoor?

I think that's what modern women's pentathlon is, indoor pentathlon. Hey, ladies can do whatever they want. I like the horse shooting gun one better. Yeah, I'm going to do that. Can she do that one? Horse, gun, swim, sword. And what's the fifth? Pistol shooting, fencing, swimming, show jumping, cross country run.

And running, okay. Okay. Those are great. Wait a minute. No, this was replaced. Is it run with a sword? This one was replaced in 1984 by the heptathlon. So this is, you may be right.

Modern pentathlon. I think you're right. Fencing, horse racing. Let's say it's that one. That's better. Let's just agree because it's fucking fantastic. Yeah, it's super hot. What?

We're all jerking it in this recording box. Okay, but really, where do you learn these things? Yeah, I know. This is exactly what we were talking about before, which is there's a culture that somehow you might come up learning fishing. Right, yeah, yeah, exactly. Now this is just, I mean, what world did you come up in that you're- You're like a courtesan, a super prostitute.

Like a fancy prostitute that only services kings and sheiks. Who also needs to be a ninja. Right. Yeah, or I mean, I brought this movie up on the show a couple weeks ago. The movie Hannah, did you see that? It's a girl who's raised in the wild for one purpose, to kill. Yes, exactly. So yeah, maybe either she was some sort of cabin killer.

This is definitely the sexiest Olympic event. She's shooting and fencing? Wow. Come on. And then riding around on a horse. She's gotta be

a beautiful lady. She's on a horse with a sword. She's on some fucking Zorro shit. I think this is, I also think it's Joan from Mad Men.

Just because. This is the greatest. This may be our best all-time momentous occasion. She got into the Olympics. Guys. She's empirically better. Than us. Than Geena Davis.

And she was in Cutthroat Island. Oh, guys, can I, while I have, I know we took out our phones to find out what that was. I mentioned earlier that I guess because Facebook has been fucking us, maybe people aren't getting to read my Nicolas Cage tweets that I wrote. Jordan, we're talking about this woman getting to the Olympics. This is valid. No one cares about fucking Nicolas Cage. It's really funny.

Can we just focus on how hot this girl is? We were talking about face-off earlier. Remember? It applies. Come on, guys. It's good. Read it, and we'll get back to the Olympics. Nothing better than a big build-up.

Yeah, I read it. Nothing helps. Funny Twitter. The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time. I read that this morning, and I enjoyed it. Thank you. Thanks, Dan. Anyway, back to this.

What Olympic event will you be competing in, Jordan? Bunny Twitters. Twitter. Nerd Tweeting. Bunny Twitters. Why isn't that a sport? Wicker Man tweets. Yeah.

Wicker Man lore. That's what I got my degree in. Wow. You know when they do the shooting, you know what they have to do? They have to meditate until their heart rate's slow to almost zero like a fucking yogi. Yeah. Why? Because otherwise, their heartbeats, the shaking from their heartbeat, they have to shoot in

between heartbeats. Oh my God. One of the big things in shooting events in the Olympics is that the performance enhancing drugs are like downers. Oh my God, that's amazing. Because they make your things that lower your blood pressure and make your heartbeat less. Wow. Do they also check to make sure the contestants' MP3 players don't have anything by the XX on them? Downer.

It's a real- Wow. Music's a real bummer. Jordan, I am looking And I've seen this She also sent us an email We're invited to the Olympics Are you really?

Are we her trainers? Oh I have some Exercises to run her through Jeez Louise Holy moly This girl's great I mean fuck having a child Or buying a house

or all these other momentous occasions the Olympics is the only thing any of us ever really watched the Olympics this particular event if she was you know well if she was on

the team handball team team handball's pretty cool that's good curling that's like a show that seems like a sport that was made up for the USA network

on Saturday mornings sure would you guys give up your life right now to be an Olympian? Oh, wow. You're still the same general personality. Would we pull a Geena Davis? Yeah. That's called pulling a Geena Davis.

Yeah, sure. Oh, man, that's tough. I mean, I have this beautiful child. I have a wonderful wife. You're going to have an Olympic wife and an Olympic child. Have you heard about how much fucking goes on? I know. I know.

It's very exciting. Because you do your event, and then you don't have anything left to do but fuck other Olympians. Yeah, and for the first time, everyone around you is in as good a shape as you are. I know. Yeah. They must fuck for days. Can you imagine the aerobic efforts being put in by these people?

I hope the bed... Sting walks out of that place exhausted. Oh, God. And this lady can slow her heart down to zero. Who knows what sexual effects that may have. I don't know about that being helpful. Yeah. She's in like a fucking zen pleasure dome.

More like fucking a corpse. That's what I was talking about. That's actually what it's like to fuck Gina Davis. She does not try. Yeah. But, you know, she's a regular Cupid with her archery skills. That is true. That is true.

With her national competing level archery skills. Wow. Oh, boy. What a great girl. Should we go to England? She invited us to the Olympics. Did she? She really did. Oh, boy. What a great girl. Should we go to England? She invited us to the Olympics. Did she? She really did.

Oh. Yeah, okay. I'll go to that. You, me, and Teresa are sorry, Dan. Is my name Teresa now? No, that's my wife's name. And she's a standard wife. I don't mean to disappoint you.

Not an Olympic wife. Whatever. I think we should go. Yeah, I'll go to that. You should definitely go. Probably hotel rooms are really expensive. I bet they are. And there's probably a lot of bombings.

Where do you think the pentathlon competition takes place? I have no idea what could facilitate those five things. The English woods, right? I mean, it has to. You get the horse running around. You get your sword fight. You just come across a knight and you fight him. There's a fox hunt just randomly.

Yeah. Oh, I love this. This is great. I love this. Do you think she'll give us a hug? Oh, definitely. We could live off of that for months. She knows how to fence.

I'll just let her shoot me with an arrow. The Olympics, Jordan. That's the pinnacle of human achievement. That was huge. Yeah. I mean, I guess we do have our toes dipped into the jacuzzi of world events. Yeah. Is that the metaphor they're using these days?

It's the metaphor I'm using. It's an old ranch adage. You know, I should have known that because I recently got a subscription to The Economist, and their slogan is balls deep in the jacuzzi of world events. Sure, because you can't get pregnant that way. Yes. So, I don't know. I mean, I see your point.

I do think that we do do a valuable public service. Yeah. And that there is some, you know, there is some valuable content to the show. But we had her back on the show. We had her back on the show. She came back on the show. Right, Brian? Was it just the two of us hosting then?

Oh, no. Brian Husky was here. Yeah. You and me and Brian Husky, you know, we followed up. She went to the Olympics. It was amazing. Play it, Brian. Play it. This was amazing. Play it, Brian. Play it.

Yeah, yeah. So when we finished that last segment with Donna, I held Donna on the line. We were all talking about how amazing it is that she's going to the Olympics. And I was thinking that we have this amazing listener community, the Jordan Jesse Go community. I mean, tens of thousands of people listen to this program and love it. And, you know, our MaxFun community is even broader than that. And never before has anyone in our community, frankly, done anything. Of merit.

Contributed anything to the world. And, you know, when you're a modern pentathlete. Now, there's this, do you know Neil Appeal? Oh, Neil Appeal, yeah. Me and him play Starhawk online. I needed someone to play Starhawk with because none of my friends were playing it. And then Neil Appeal said he would play it with me. And we've been playing.

We've been having a really good time. He's really good at it. That is contributing something. So thank you, Donna. That was nice to talk to you. But we have another cause that we're going to focus on. So anyway, Donna is a modern pentathlete. These days, a lot of the money in athletics is flowing into your classic pentathlon.

Sure. You're running fast for 100 yards. Biathlon. Swimming in water kind of person. Whatever. I mean, we've seen you in those commercials where you ride you run you shoot and then you snap into a slim jim those are great and then you get tackled by the sasquatch but but i asked donna is there something that we could help her with as

a community that would make her trip to the olymp and help her with the burden of representing her nation of Canada in the Olympics. And Donna, we did come up with something. We're going to sell black market babies for you. No, no, no. No? That's off the table? We didn't discuss that. You just...

Number one... Well, it's been recorded, so that's kind of a contractually... No. No? In a contract, someone has to exchange something for something. Well, here. Here you go. Hold that.

This piece of dirt. Why am I holding this dirt? I just gave you something. Oh, fuck. Yeah. God damn it, Husky. That's called a dirt contract. Well, I guess we're baby smugglers.

Well, I guess we're baby smugglers. But Donna, there is one thing that we came up with that you might need help with, and it's a good one. Can you tell our listeners what it is? A laser gun. Donna needs a new laser gun. She needs to pay for her new laser gun. And part of it is we need to get the funding for a time machine, which will allow her to go into the future. Now, I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't we just go down to the laser tag center and steal a gun for Donna?

And, yes, we are going to do that, but it will need to be upgraded. Yeah. Donna, this thing involves, well, you've got to get a circuit board, right? And solder some parts. You have to cut off a robot's penis. Yeah, you have to get a laser pointer from like Office Depot

or whatever and then strap that on the top. Sure. Okay. Here's what I think. We looked it up. We looked up how much the different parts Donna needs cost we translated it from euros into dollars because only communist countries sell these things such as europe the communist country of europe evil europe and we came we came up with a number which is twenty nine hundred dollars i think twenty nine hundred dollars is well within our capacity with the tens of thousands of listeners that we have who are already excited about getting to go to the Olympics with Donna, sleep in her bed at the Athletes Village, all the privileges that are accorded to all of our listeners.

Yeah, it's going to be cool. Yeah, I mean, this is going to be a really amazing experience for all of us. Yeah, I mean, this is going to be a really amazing experience for all of us. I mean, think of it. Every person who supports this goal to get $2,900 for Donna to get a laser gun gets to compete in one leg of the modern pentathlon. At the $500 level, you get to do the horse riding. Yeah. At the $250 level, you get to do the running.

Nobody wants to do the running. Nobody wants to run. No. We can do that anyway. $1,000, of course. You want the horse to do the running. Yeah, and the $1,000 level, of course, is shooting the laser gun. Yeah, and I mean, the $2,000 level is really good because not only do you get to shoot the laser gun and ride the horse, you actually get to keep the horse. And as we said, these horses, very sticky hooves, so they're very valuable on the glue market.

Tender meat. Yeah. Just got to take them through the channel. At what level do we get to blaze with Michael Phelps? So, Donna, I think that we can do this. By the time that we have this show up on Monday, we will have put together an Indiegogo project for this thing, $2,900. I'm right now saying, who knows if this is the be all end all,

but right now I'm putting a hundy on this. Me personally. You're putting a Jesse Thorne hundy. I'm putting a hundy on this. I'm sending $100 to this project just to kick things off. Just as a little challenge for our listeners. We're going to buy this Olympian a laser gun.

By the way, if it sounds like we're joking, I'm dead serious about this. All of the pledge levels that we just discussed were definitely jokes. If you're just tuning in, we will not explain why this Olympian needs a laser gun. No, absolutely not. Don't listen to this show. It's very complicated. Just know

that the Olympics are fucked up at this point and everyone needs a laser gun. Yeah, and also you should know. Don't listen to the show. It's very complicated. Just know that the Olympics are fucked up at this point, and everyone needs a laser gun. Yeah, and also you should know that you can listen to podcasts from the start, no matter what time you start. Nope, I drop in right in the middle. I'm always lost. You just randomly drag the bar. Donna, I guess, so we mentioned sponsorship, and obviously there's a uniform, and they probably don't want you altering it with patches or something like that. But if this happens, if our dudes do step up and buy this laser gun, will you name the laser gun some sort of Jordan Jesse Go inside joke? Oh, that's a great idea, actually.

Yes, absolutely. Great. Go inside joke. Oh, that's a great idea, actually. Yes, absolutely. Great. I mean, the inside joke of your choice. Yeah, I mean, you can make it any. I mean, you can name it Chip Gunson, Gun Dipson. I mean, I would turn it around to you guys and ask you to name the gun, I think. Oh, wow. That would be such an honor.

Let's get the gun first. Yeah, we got to get this gun first, and then we're going to name it. Let's not put the cart before the gun. The go gun? So here's what you, the listeners, can do. Go to MaximumFun.org. We'll have it there right on the homepage. You might have to scroll down a little bit, but we will have it there.

And next week on the show, we'll also give out the specific direct URL. But right now, since we haven't made the thing yet, go to MaximumFun.org. It'll be there. We're going to get together $2,900 to make a young Olympian's dreams of naming a laser gun in honor of her favorite vulgar comedy podcast come

true. Jordan, I have one more bullet in the chamber. Okay. It's something that I believe in more than almost anything else. It's something that you and I and our friend Steve Agee discovered together. And it's something that I think will be the thing that convinces you after six or seven years and 300 episodes to return to Jordan Jesse Go and give up this life of rural idyll.

Okay. I believe how that word is pronounced. Idyll? Yidyll. It's Jewish. Yentl. Yentl. I think it's word is pronounced. I-dil? Yid-il. It's Jewish. Yentl. Yentl. I think it's Yentl.

And leave behind this rural Yentl. Rural Yentl. That's funny to say. Rural Yentl. Rural Yentl. I don't, look, I don't want to, I don't even want to introduce it. I just wanted to punch you in the gut. Okay.

Brian, press play. 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. Hello, Go. I'm behind a car whose license plate is G-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-R, which, in effect, is jizzer.

And I don't understand anything else that it could be. So, I don't know if I should be this close to that person or if I should be in awe of them. That was the Jizzer's original name in the movie. Right. Big baby Jizzer? I'm the RZA. This is the Jizzer.

It would be Gizzer, right? Gizzer probably, right? Like an old man? Jizzer. Z-Z-Z-Z-R. It would be Gizer, right? Gizer, probably, right? Like an old man? Gizer. G-Z-Z-Z-R. I would say that I'm not nuts about having two personalized license plate calls in two consecutive shows. That's pretty good, though. Gizer is pretty good.

I say at the point where you have something that baffling, then you're really just trying to find a way to donate to save whales. Like, that's what that's about. If I can't- If you wanted to pay the extra 40 bucks to get the whale license plate- Oh, right. Sure. We just have something so nonsensical. If I can't tell what your license plate says within three seconds, then you have fucking

failed. Full chort. What? Yeah. Full chort. What? Yeah. Full chort. Full chort. Oh my god. I swear to god.

If anyone, whoever gets their personalized license plate, full chort, and then puts a license plate frame that says MaximumFun.org around it, I will buy you an airplane ticket to Los Angeles from any major city in the United States up to $500. This is a sincere offer. First person, not every person. First person to get a license plate that says full chart.

What would that be, I guess? F-O-L-C-H-R-T? I can guarantee you that has not been taken. It depends how many letters are in your state on your state's license plate. Yeah, no, that's true. Right? I mean, you've got to come up with something good for full chart. Sure.

And then you have to go to the mall kiosk and get a thing that says JordanJesseGo, MaximumFun.org. Send me a picture. Send an email to JJGo at MaximumFun.org. First person to do that. And it's real. I will buy you a plane ticket to Los Angeles to come to a JordanJesseGo show. Jordan, what do you say? We've been friends for 12 years now.

13 years. Sure. More than about one-eighth of my life. We've been working together for almost that whole time. We're standing in a foot of cow shit. Sur surrounded by 65-year-old men in overalls. And Art Alizakis, former lead singer of Everclear. That's true. Hey, Art.

He has a really hard time bidding because he won't stop singing. I mean, people know him around here, you know? So they know that if he sings in a particular way, he's bidding? Yeah. What's Everlast? Everlast is, that's like a... The guy from House of Pain? Yeah, exactly.

But then he became a singer-songwriter, but he's different from Everclear? Yeah, some acoustic ballad. I think these were popular around the same time. The blues, that guy sang about the blues, Everlast. Yeah, he's not, he is not a rancher. He's a, he's like a handjob technician.

Like he repairs handjobs? No, he gives them. But in some sort of technical way? Yeah. He's down to a science. Yeah. Gotcha.

It's not erotic. Jordan, this is so fun. Come on. We're just saying facts, though. This isn't creative in any way. Thousands and thousands and thousands of people out there want you to come back to Jordan Jesse Go. What do you say? All right.

You know what? There's half as much shit in Jordan, Jesse, go. And that's an improvement. Jordan, thanks for 300 episodes, 200 or so of which are good. You know what? I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan,

Jesse go. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.