Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 302: Alternate Boner Theory with Bryan Cook

Episode Date: December 2, 2013

Bryan Cook, the creator of Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's past interaction with some shady police officers, new Candyland, and a terrifying crow encounter.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You forgot to wish people who are listening at twilight a good twilight. What if they're listening at twi-night? That's like just at twilight, a good twilight. What if they're listening at twilight? That's like just after twilight. I mean, I would prefer you cover all the bases. What if, can I ask you this?

What about eclipses? Yeah, that too. What if they're watching twilight eclipse? Oh, but don't, yeah. This is also something you should account for. Also, don't look directly at the podcast. You might get powers. Have I ever told you the story of the time? Okay, I'm going to tell you the story. I may have told it on the air years and years ago, but it's an important, like, formative moment in my life that I don't know what to make of. Even now, as an adult in therapy, I don't know how to parse this thing.

So let's get right into it. It's Jordan Jesse Goh is our program. I'm Jesse. This is Jordan. Our guest on this week's program is a comic comedy writer, the host of competitive erotic fan fiction, a stage program across this great nation, Mr. Brian Cook. Hello, Brian. How are you, sir? Good.

How are you guys doing? Well, I'm good, except for that I have this thing that I need to address right now. It's the time when I was a kid when I was either almost arrested or molested. Okay.

That sounds like a great game show. It's no competitive erotic fan fiction, but the audience all yells it up at the top. They yell it with the host. Welcome to another round of... Arrested or Molested! Okay, so here's the situation, gentlemen. Maybe you can help me on this.

You're looking at... I mean, I guess up top, just a base question we maybe maybe a jumping off point yes was your butthole involved no my butt was not involved okay um well then i'll need more information that wouldn't have really narrowed it down by the way this was an above the waist situation okay so i am uh i'm in san francisco i'm in the Bernal Heights neighborhood of San Francisco, just above my father's home, which was, of course, in the sort of the borderline between the Mission Noy Valley and Bernal Heights. And I've gone up Bernal Hill, which is, of course, the famous hill that forms the center of Bernal Heights and the Bernal Heights neighborhood of San Francisco. And the reason I've done this is because I'm going to check out a partial lunar eclipse. is, of course, the famous hill that forms the center of Bernal Heights and the Bernal Heights neighborhood of San Francisco. And the reason I've done this is because I'm going to check out a partial lunar eclipse.

And it's one that you can see before it's too late in the evening. And you can see it around, it was like, I'm going to say it was just, just twilight. So I'm going to say it's summer maybe and it's 7 o'clock. I'm going to say I am 10 years old. I might be 11 years old. I'm not, say, 13 or 14 years old. What are you wearing? I'm wearing a denim jacket.

The denim jacket has a space program patch on it. I assumed. And it is a a denim jacket. The denim jacket has a space program patch on it. I assumed. And it is a lined denim jacket. So it's like a trucker style jacket, but it has a Sherpa lining. Okay. Cooler evening, San Francisco. Exactly. We're talking about, yeah, exactly.

So, well, it's summer, but, you know, never a colder winter than summer in San Francisco. It's not yet Indian summer when it's most warm in San Francisco. September, of course. So I'm standing there, and I'm looking at the moon, waiting for it to eclipse, and nothing is happening. And these two guys come up to me, and my memories of this are hazy because I was 10 or 12 years old, you know. Alone in public. Me? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. All by yourself. Do you have any eclipse gear? Do you have a telescope? Do you have a pinhole? Do you have a camera obscura? I'm going to say no. You're not supposed to look at those, right? You're not supposed to look right at an eclipse? You're not supposed to look at a solar eclipse, but a lunar eclipse. A lunar eclipse, yes. You can look directly at the moon.

Okay. Unless you're a werewolf. Right. In which case, you're playing with fire. All bets are off. Yeah. Follow-up question. Yes.

Are you a werewolf? No, sir. Okay. Although, I'm a little fursuit. Today? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So, here I am. I'm standing on the sidewalk, 10. Today? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So here I am. I'm standing on the sidewalk, 10, 12 years old. Wait, what does it do to mummies? I don't know. Something about curses. I don't recall. Okay. I mean, if you're a mummy and you're out there, give us a call.

206-984-4FUN. And can I ask one favor of all the mummies who might give us a call? Don't just creak and groan into the receipt. We've gotten so many calls from mummies lately. Get it. And hey, if you're going to speak, don't speak in, you know, ancient Egyptian or whatever. We don't have a Rosetta Stone in here. This is America. Yeah. Learn the language.

If you're going to call an American podcast. This isn't Aramaica. Am I right, guys? So these two guys. So I'm, yeah, 10, 12 years old, but that's normal for me. Look, I'm a city kid. Okay. Brian, you don't know this. I don't know where you're from.

I'm a city kid. Neither do I. Look, I started taking the bus to school by myself, just the regular bus, city bus, first grade. So what you're saying is molestations were not foreign to you. I knew all about molestations. No. I had never molestation off the table. If there was a van, you'd jump into it.

But urban crime, absolutely. Gotcha. So no creepy uncles, no scout leaders because there's no scouts. Right. But shootings, yes. Okay. Regular shootings. Lying awake at night wondering if that was a gun or a firecracker?

Yes. Got it. Got it. One time a man shows up at the foot of my mom's bed with a knife and she chases him out of the house? Yes. Because David Carroll's stupid dad didn't lock the door on the way out. Ugh, David Carroll. I know.

But no one's touching your junk. No one's touching my junk. So I'm standing there. These two guys come up to me, and they flash badges at me, and they say, Young man, we want to know why you're standing here casing cars. And I had been standing on this spot, on Cortland Street, if I recall, for San Franciscans, for 15, 20 minutes, because I'm waiting for this fucking eclipse. I don't know. My stepmother said, I hear there's an eclipse.

Go up on Cortland Street. See if you can see it. She just wants me out of the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, she's got things to do. Yeah, it's like, go play kick the can with your friends. Absolutely.

I don't have any friends. No, I assumed. That's why I got that NASA patch on me. That's why you got a podcast now. Exactly. So I'm up there

and I'm looking at the moon. These guys flash these badges and they say, why are you casing these cars? And I figure out what casing means in my head within five or 10 seconds. But I, you know, I mean, that's the kind of.

Context clues. Sure. Well, I'm not. That's what they teach in NASA. Absolutely. At space camp. I'm a bright kid. Yeah.

I'm a bright kid. So I know what it means, but I'm so shocked by this whole thing. I say, I don't know. I'm not. And they say, what are you doing up here? And I say, I'm waiting for this lunar eclipse. A likely story. Yeah.

And now one guy says. Yeah. It's like it sounds like you just you made up something that sounds homeworky. Right. You know, I guess you could have, you know, he's like, oh, no, I'm up here tagging. It's like, no, I'm up here, you know, memorizing Bible verses. I'm just, I'm waiting for this little eclipse. Yeah.

What? What are you doing up here, kid? Eh, me? Just time stables. State capitals. Yeah, I'm coming up with mnemonics. Every good boy deserves fudge. Yeah, I'm coming up with mnemonics.

Every good boy deserves fudge. So one guy says to the other guy, well, pat him down. So they open up my coat and they pat me down, but above the waist. Okay. As I recall, above the waist, maybe on the outside of my legs. All right. They did not go for my junk or my – they didn't go for my bathing suit parts. Gotcha.

Okay. And then. But that means something different for you because you wear an old time bathing costume. Well, I only. So that's everything other than your wrists. I bathe in a Victorian bathing machine. So I crank an entire outhouse shaped building down to the water. So they, the one guy says to the other guy, he goes, no tools. And he says, and I think I did hear there's an eclipse tonight.

And they're like, well, kid, you're free to go. And then they left. Was I almost arrested or was I semi-molested? I like the idea that there's molesters who work in duos. Oh, I think there's absolutely molesters who work in duos. Yeah. That seems like the best way. Totally.

I mean, yeah. Captain and Tennille. Right. I mean, I guess this was like pre- Is there something I don't know about Captain and Tennille? Yes. Molesters. I presume them to be molesters or to have been molesters.

Okay. All right. Yeah. If your name's Captain, you have been molesters. Okay. All right. Yeah. If your name's Captain, you're already halfway there. You are halfway there. And you put on the hat, you're home free. Sure. Oh, yeah.

It's time to molest. Lazing suit parts. Here we go. So, yeah. I mean, I guess this was as the internet was becoming the internet. So, I guess there was probably some alt.molesters news group where you could find a buddy. Alt.molesters.noevalley.

Sure, yeah. Yeah. If that was a molestation, that was probably the best one I've ever heard. Like the slickest? Like best case scenario. Like you got off. Oh, you mean like I should be grateful for that? Yeah, they just wanted to grab a little bit of 10-year-old boy chest.

Right. I mean, you know. I got off easy. Yeah. Maybe they were disappointed you weren't more muscular. So they stopped the molestation after the initial pat down. Do you think they were tricked by the fact that I was wearing? Or maybe too muscular.

I don't know what kind of shape you were in as a kid. I was pretty quick. Yeah, I believe it. Were you wearing a wire? These days I'm a little... These days I'm a little bit willowy. But at the time I would say I was yoked. Okay.

Yoked to the tits. Yeah. All right. Child yoked. Child yoked. Yeah, you know that thing where you make your nips dance and you go ping, ping, ping, ping, I think it's safe to assume we do. Yeah.

I invented that in the early 1990s. Had only YouTube existed. Yeah. But it didn't. You had to send around VHS. I had to post it on alt.fan.molestation.paralyze. That's how they found you. Rec.petarast.

I mean, is it possible they could have been looking for a wallet or something? Like my wallet? Yeah. You think they could have been thieves? Yeah, maybe. Did you have a, you know, a little Velcro wallet with eight bucks in it or something? Eight bucks?

Geez, what do you think I was, Jordan? You think I lived in Bernal Heights? Johnny eight bucks? Also, they went up top, which is not a good move if you're trying to lift the wallet off a kid. Kids don't carry the wallet in the front pocket. They don't carry it in their sock, right?

Yeah, right. Yeah, watered up. Me and my friends carried our money in our socks. That's true. In our socks and shoes. Because if you got jumped, they wouldn't take your money. You just wanted us to know you had socks. That's true.

Yeah, we were living it up there at the edge of the mission. Sock money, I'm telling you. In the borderlands between the mission, the outer mission. What do you want? I got tubes. I got dress. I got a boot sock. The weird one with a little ball at the back that your mom wore in the 80s.

Hey, kid, you want an argyle? It's going to cost you double. Yeah. First pair's free. That's how they get you. What kind of monster sells a child Argyle socks? That actually does sound like, now today you're very dressed down, but that does sound like maybe how somebody could have gotten you in a van as a child. That's true, yeah.

The promise of an Argyle sock. The promise of an Argyle. Yeah, that's fair. Okay, so sincerely, this is a real question because this, it only occurred to me maybe when I was 20 or so that it's possible I had been molested. And I don't, if I was molested, as you said, it didn't scar me psychologically. I don't feel violated now. I mean, I don't want to speak out of school.

I mean, Jesse's, you know, we're good friends and you've confided a lot of stuff in me. Also, we are literally in school right now. Right. Yeah, we are. So you're fine. We're being very quiet. It would be very inconvenient if you spoke out of school where there are no microphones. Exactly.

I'd just be yelling on a playground. Yeah. I mean, and I guess, you know, sometimes like traumatic sexual experiences can imprint themselves onto someone's sexuality at an early age. And you have mentioned to me that every lovemaking session that you and your wife have starts with her patting you down and you can only do it during an eclipse. So is it possible that this, you know, you were impressionable, you were young. Is it possible that this this you know you were impressionable you were young is it possible that this is where it started do you have a nasa patch on you don't uh-uh i only have this ass gas or grass nobody writes for free does your wife own fake mustaches um yeah i really because they seemed

did they have boners could it have been could it have been a prank yeah that's a great question I mean that's a lame do you think we could pat down that dumb kid they were playing truth or dare.

Like you were bored enough to be out looking at something the moon was doing. How bored were these dudes that they were like, hey, I bet you can't touch a kid just a little bit. Also, why are they? I guess when you're a kid, too, like it's hard to tell how old a grown up is. Right. Do you think these were these 50 year old guys or were these 20 year old guys? I think these were guys. These guys were definitely under 35.

Did they have pubes yet? Yeah, but not like bushy pubes. Got him. Molested. Got him. See? Seems like you touched these guys' pubes. I think you might have molested them.

Yeah. That's what it sounds like to me. Well, I checked their pubes. I did a pube check in case I had to tell this story later, like on Kevin Allison's podcast. Sure. Were you carrying a federal pube check in case I had to tell this story later Like on Kevin Allison's podcast Were you carrying a federal pube inspector badge yourself? Yo, the FBI

Gentlemen I'm with the FBI Let's see those male bushes You keeping your game trimmed? Your game I like that Yeah, downtown I really I don't know which of the

answers is true i sincerely like when i say this i'm not saying this to make it a topic on a podcast i'm bothered by the fact that i don't i think it's been a great topic though i mean i think we could all agree this has been a really fun topic yeah yeah absolutely i think people are gonna make that have their own opinions on the forum. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? I think some of them might be too invested in the forum.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. I have a hunch. You think it's going to be concrete tails? Perhaps. You guys on the forum, concrete tails.

I think it might get a little weird. You think some of these kids are spending too much time on forums? Oh, I think anyone that has ever been on a forum has spent too much time

on a forum. The fact that you've been on a forum. The very notion of going to a forum occurring to you means you've spent too much time on it. Probably too much. Yeah. By the way, we need to talk to you about how much time you've been spending on rec.sport.pederasty. What? I'm writing a paper.

Yeah, it's a book report. Wasn't that Gary Glitter's excuse? Yeah. Was it Gary Glitter? No, it was Pete Townsend. Yeah, someone was researching there. That's why he had a terabyte of child pornography. Research. Oh, boy.

Okay, look. Let's take a turn. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. This is Biz. This is Teresa. We host a show called One Bad Mother. We're a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. And for some reason, we seem to be most popular among single dudes with no kids.

Weird. The only advice you'll get from us is when we tell you to stop feeling like s*** for being a mom. Or a dad. Or, you know, a single person with no children. Find us on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Jordan Moore's boy detective. Brian Cook, federal puke inspector. He's ready. He's ready, ladies and gentlemen. I want to make mention of something. Sure. While we're talking about enjoying ourselves and having fun, we just put tickets to Max Fun Con on sale.

Uh-oh. This is the social event of the year. Jordan, you've been to, what are we, six? We've done six Max Fun Cons now? I think so, yeah. Seven Max Fun Cons? How would you describe Max FunCon to the uninitiated? A real blast.

A weekend-long blast. Yeah, no, just the nicest people you ever met. You're describing Space Camp again. Oh, that's right. Oh, sorry. What's this? We will be in a centrifuge, though, right, at some point? It's mostly centrifuge stuff.

Okay. Centrifuge, centrifuge. Centrifuge? Centrifuge. Centrifuge? Yeah. Astronaut ice cream? Yeah. Yeah, it's really fun. It's boozier than you might expect for a nerd event, which usually nerd events are not fun.

This is like where fun people go to it to enjoy themselves. It's like real people having an honest good time. It's not a bunch of people swapping 3DS codes. There's maybe a little bit of that, but a reasonable amount. I don't even know what a 3DS code is. Me neither. You know, I don't really either. Okay.

Okay. It's something if you want to swap Pokemon with other Pokemon folks, you need to swap codes. 3D Pokemon? Yeah. I mean, I think everything. Are they red? You know, like red line drawings? No, I mean, everything just kind of.

And you put the goggles on? Is that what we're talking about? No, it just has a virtual boy. He's talking about virtual. Yeah, right. No, no. The virtual boy is long gone. What if I want to swap virtual codes?

Huh? What if I want to swap boy codes for the virtual thing? Oh, boy codes for the virtual thing? Oh, boy codes? That's on MTV. It comes on after guy code. It's people telling you how to deal with boy issues. That's on YouTube. Hey, I'm always scraping my knees.

This frog keeps leaping out of my pocket. What gives? Do I put it in a mason jar and punch holes in the top? That's boy code. Does a rock and a leaf count as his natural habitat? No, no. Max Funcon is really fun. I think if this is just something you have heard of or seen people chattering about on Twitter, you might think it's just a dork festival like Comic-Con or something.

But it's really, really fun. It's actual fun people. So much more special than that totally it's it's a weekend in southern california we have big comedy shows so we have like a big stand-up show and then a big non-stand-up comedy show and then during the day we have some talks and lectures and um and then classes where you do And then classes where you do cooking or crafting or you make like I had a really good time last year with Pendleton Ward, the creator of Adventure Time, the wonderful Cartoon Network show. He made an animated stop motion superhero film starring just people and just costumes that they made on the spot. So like really amazing, crazy stuff goes down.

And then at night, people get super wasted. Yeah, it's really fun. I think if you're worried about not knowing anybody, don't. I would maybe even argue that makes it more fun. Oh, yeah. This is like... You don't want to be tethered to some fucking high school buddy. Well, also, we've all met people, and they're mostly awful. Sure.

Oh, absolutely. Am I selling this right? No, no, this is good. Keep going on this. Keep running with this. If you want to be surrounded, no, that's because there's going to be people at it. How bad do they smell, Brian? Oh, the worst. Most of them, right? Have you smelled them? Oh, people smell terrible. Will there be cops? You know, I'm glad you mentioned that because I feel like we get people worried about going by themselves. And every time I hear from someone who went by themselves, they're like, oh, I'm so glad I went by myself.

Yeah, totally. It was so amazing. I made 12 friends in the first five minutes despite my crippling social anxiety. Yeah, it's a real blast. Everybody's very, very nice. You can sit at any table you want to. You can just kind of join any group you want to.

It's really, really fun. I want to go. I want to start a clique of jocks. I want to take over a table. I want to ruin this thing. Who's going to be in the clique? It's going to really fun. I want to go. I want to start a clique of jocks. I want to take over a table. I want to ruin this thing. Who's going to be in the clique? Is it going to be you, John Ronson,

Maria Bamford? Okay. She's definitely a jock type. Yeah, Maria, Jad Abumrad. Again, don't know who that is. Andy Richter. Andy Richter, I know.

Who else is in the Max Von Kahn jock clique? You've about covered it. But, yeah, definitely it's a blast. And definitely I think it's not – I think it's comparable to what you would spend on a normal kind of long weekend vacation. All the meals are included. The lodging is included. It's a slam dunk. You should totally do it.

If you're curious, go ahead and do it. MaxFunCon.com is where you can go do it. And there's an installment plan. That's all we're going to talk about Maxfundcon for now. But I just wanted to mention it since tickets just went on sale. And, you know, in the past, they often sell out by the time the holidays are through. So, you know, maxfundcon.com. Take care of business.

We'll see you, et cetera. What's going on with you these days, Jordan? Well, I had a nice holiday. Et cetera. What's going on with you these days, Jordan? Well, I had a nice holiday. Went down to Orange County to spend it with my mom and my sister and my new step family. Brian, for you, my mom just got remarried not that long ago.

You think I don't know this? Oh, sorry. Yeah. Okay. You're up on it. Does he play trombone? He plays trombone. Does he wear Hawaiian shirts? He wears a – wow.

Okay. I am sorry. I even tried to – We have had one conversation before today, and it was about your stepfather. He's all I talk about. Oh, yeah. I forget that we

did that show the other day. We chatted briefly about your Thanksgiving plans, which I then did forget in the hallway when I asked you what you did for Thanksgiving. That's okay. You've described Brad to a T. Was this your first major holiday? You had had a semi, some semi combo Christmas.

Yeah. This was, I think, the first proper one. Right. And so I have these like step nieces and nephews now who are really great. One's four and one's six. And you're a big fan of Brad, the step-noon stepdad, too. This guy's great. Yeah. A real hoot. This guy's great. Yeah. A real hoot.

Hawaiian shirts, trombones. You get it. Right. So, something I... So, I was kind of like... So, my sister's getting married, so her and my mom and the ladies were talking about wedding stuff.

So, I kind of like got the kids pushed. I was kind of kid wrangler, which is fine. I like these kids a lot. We played and we played a game of Candyland. And as we were kind of setting up the board to play it, it really dawned on me how much Candyland I had played as a kid. Like it was just a flood of sense memory. Really? Oh, totally.

With whom? Just with my mom. Me and my mom would play Candyland. Wow. Yeah. Your mom has the patience of an angel. Oh, totally. Candyland is a boring game.

Oh, it's barely a game. Yeah, I know. It's barely a game. So what it is is there's this board, and you have a gingerbread man, a colored gingerbread man, and you just – you splay out all the game cards and you randomly pick a card and then if it's red, you move to a red space. If it's green, you move to a green space. And you really get lucky if you draw a candy card and then you get to go to that candy

zone. And it also can work against you. If you've passed that candy zone, you might have to go back. So that's when, I mean, that's the double play of Candyland. That's the exciting. It's like a game that they developed for learning disabled children, really. Right, yeah, exactly. Like even you would think your slowest kid who could conceive of the notion of a game

could probably play something more fun than fucking Candyland. Or it's for an autistic kid to become obsessed with. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And so these candy zones all have like a candy mascot. So there was – so my board had Queen Frostine, who was a cupcake princess. Princess Lolly, who was a lollipop princess. Now, is this a contemporary version of this game or is

this or is this as as it has ever been no so there has been some some changes have been made to candy yeah all the characters have a little bit of like an anime style to them really and that makes them a little more erotic than i would like yes i always associate i always i feel like i just and this is plus the nasa patches right exactly this is on me i realized and this is just always feel like I just, and this is... Plus the NASA patches. Right, exactly. This is on me, I realize, and this is just, I feel like the cultural associations I have with anime are like icky sexuality. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And I know that's, you know, I like a Miyazaki movie. Those aren't icky, ickly sexual, but I always, anytime something looks a little anime-y, I'm like, somebody's jacking off to this. Were there any tentacles involved?

No, there were no tentacles. Yeah. Right. You got stuck in a soda. You got stuck in a soda land called Tentacle Grape. Anyway. So the candy people who have left Candyland since I had it. So Mr. Mint is now gone.

Mr. Mint is a tall dandy made of peppermints. Okay. He has been replaced with the Duke of Swirl, who is a good-looking prince who surfs on an ice cream. Ah, because the kids. I mean, and my initial reaction was there was a meeting, and they all agreed. Mr. Mint, too gay.

Out. Yeah. He's like he has a walking stick. He has a little mustache. What are we teaching these kids? Yeah. Mint, the gayest flavor. Right.

Yeah, exactly. So Mr. Mint is gone. So in my candy land, there was Grandma Nut who lived in a peanut brittle house. Gross. First of all, kids hate old people and peanut brittle. Yeah. I hate there was Grandma Nut who lived in a peanut brittle house. Gross, first of all. Kids hate old people and peanut brittle. Yeah, well- I hate the name Grandma Nut. Well, guess what her new name is?

What's that? She now lives in a fudge house and her name is Grandma Gooey. Oh, come on. You've got to be kidding me. No, she's now Grandma Gooey and she lives in a fudge house. Why are they changing these? I guess maybe like- What are they gaining from this?

Is it new merchandising opportunities? lives in a fudge house why are they changing these i guess maybe like gaining from this is it new merchandising opportunities is it like when football teams have alternate uniforms are you sure this is candyland and not like some generic knockoff like candy world sweet town no no this was candyland so yeah maybe they were switching out candy that kids don't like anymore okay because peanut brittle and mint those are two kind of old person. You know, it'd be like if there was, you know, Felicity Fondant or something. Yeah. So I guess maybe they were trying to-

Uncle Mazapan. Tommy Treacle. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Edward Egg Cream. Sure. Which is chocolate syrup in soda water.

Seltzer water. Yeah. Yeah. Senseless. Pretty water. Seltzer water, yeah. Yeah, senseless. Pretty good. Yeah? Yeah, it is. That cream is really good. It is a confounding name, though.

Yeah, that's very true. It is a gross name. Yeah. So, yeah, so those changes were interesting. Now, I think the Mr. Mint to, what's the new one? The Duke of Swirl. That is the Poochie of Candyland. Right, yes.

That is such a- Exactly, I know. You know what the kid's like, a cool guy. He's surfing on a, yeah, right, exactly. You mean because of his bold geometric design? Also that. Was he playing guitar? He was not playing guitar.

He had a toot, though. I could tell he had a toot. Okay, okay. Yeah, I could tell that in the meeting where they were pitching Duke of Swirl, they like you know he's in your face he takes no prisoners absolutely he's out for fun yeah yeah yeah uh so so we're playing this game and there's so i've got i've got the four-year-old johnny and i've got the six-year-old elizabeth four-year-old doesn't really know how to play a game yet and he is just kind of zooming his piece around the board and like it's usually like people will like someone will you'll have to kind of draw his card for him

and tell him where to move it he'll just kind of zoom the piece around after he's moved but you know you kind of try and you know it's like you're playing two games you're playing his and right just so there's you know so there's more players uh but. But Elizabeth knows how to play the game. And I figured out 20 minutes into this thing that she had been cheating. Oh. So she- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses.

Yeah. Are you really accusing a sweet, darling, six-year-old Elizabeth of cheating? Now, we haven't met this kid. She is sweet and darling. Okay.year-old Elizabeth of cheating. Now, we haven't met this kid. She is sweet and darling. Okay. Established. Carry on. So what she was doing.

But she's 17 years old. Right. Loves Candyland. Loves Candyland. God bless her. Yeah. Loves Candyland. By the way, I guarantee you there has been at least one, I hate to use the word, hipster

party where Candyland has come out in the past decade. Oh, yeah, sure. It's too boring. I know, but that doesn't matter. You got to like do a shot every time you draw the candy cards. Yeah, sure. Now they can complain about how it's – Take a shot of Jameson.

Absinthe. Absinthe, yeah, exactly. So, yeah, so what she had been doing is what she had – she had been going through the pile of cards, taking the candy cards and slipping them under the board. And she would palm them while she was looking through the cards because it was just happening over and over again. She kept you know, she didn't have she wasn't like, you know, drawing a shitty card to keep up believability. She would just always have that candy card. And she would really act it. She would really perform.

She would really go like, oh my God, I can't believe I got it again. Like mugging it up like Disney Channel? Yes, exactly. She was like a Disney Channel kid who had won the dog with a blog sweepstakes. I don't know. Naturally.

So she was performing this, and then she was getting, like, a little bit shitty about it. Like, she would go, she would draw it, and then she would put it in my face and go, booyah. What? And then she said, she got it again, and put it in my face and said, step up your game. Whoa.

Step up your game. So. Step up your game. So, I mean, I've been on to it. Did you say, bitch, I'm about to step up to the streets? Yes, Channing Tatum busts down the door. Interracial dance competition. Naturally. Yeah, exactly. Bomp, bomp, bomp.

By the way, that was also the theme from Step Up to the Streets. Yeah, which you know. They were going to use contemporary hip hop music, but they decided to use high energy. Right. So I didn't know what to do. Like her mom is there. Like I know her mom. Okay.

But, you know, we're not we're not close family. This is your sister. This is my stepsister. Gotcha. And I'm like, she's a criminal. I don't know. Yeah. Right. This is my stepsister. Gotcha. And I'm like – So she's a criminal. I don't know. Yeah, right?

This kid's learning it from somewhere. Yeah, I mean I don't know if this is just little kid boundary pushing. Right. But I didn't know what to do. I genuinely didn't. I don't know if like – at what point do you start to teach kids morality? Is it my job to impart morality? Right.

Do I go to mom and pull her aside and just like, hey, just so you know, like she's been cheating. Like, do I automatically look like the world's biggest dick for doing that? She's like, this is candy land. Open hand or closed hand? Yeah. I mean. So many questions. Sure.

So many questions. Closet or down a well. Right. Where do you stuff them? At what point do you flip the board and teach them new words? new words yeah i mean part of me wanted to like also start cheating like part of me wanted to like start hiding the cards myself and go oh wow i guess i keep oh oh boo yeah cinnamon roll town again look at me jeez i should buy a lottery ticket it's my lucky day i just so i don't know do you know know anything in your experience, child rearing?

When do you teach a child about right and wrong? Right now, my son is really sweet because he can make a devious plan a little bit, but he does not know how to lie. He has not occurred to him yet that he could lie about it. And so what he says instead is, like if he, like the other day he decided that instead of going to bed in his big boy bed, he was going to go to bed in my son Oscar's crib, which he has to climb into. And my son Oscar is a four week old. into. And my son Oscar is a four week old. And so what he will say in that context is as I'm putting him to bed, he'll say, okay, you can go now, dad. Which is just means he's ready to do whatever scheme he has in his head. It's amazing that there's these little moments where children's minds develop the ability to comprehend certain things. My son

has spent the last week, we've been, everyone in my house has been deathly ill, thankfully feeling better today, but deathly ill. And my son said for an entire day, he got sick and threw up a couple of times one day. And day after, he said, Dad, I will not throw up ever again. Dad, I will not throw up ever again. And you said he didn't know how to lie yet. And he threw up on the dog. That's probably fun for the dog, though. He can see all that throw up.

So, yeah. So, I mean, but, I mean, also there was a part of me that was thinking like, this kid has like figured out how to game this system. I say, correct. Which isn't that a little bit of cleverness? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In about what? 12 years, you can take her to the casino.

Sure. By that point. She knows how to count cards. Count cards. I don't like this taunting you. Yeah. No, I don't like the taunting either. That's what I didn't like.

You're supposed to be family. Well, she's still a kid. She's got to learn that that's not what you, you got to be subtle. You got to slap her down with a taunting you. Yeah. No, I don't like the taunting either. That's what I didn't like. It's supposed to be family. Well, she's still a kid. She's got to learn that that's not what you, you got to be subtle. You got to slap her down with a better taunt. Yeah. Yeah, there it is. Remember when you used to be on that show with Vilmer, Valderrama, and MTV? I think you're thinking of, who are you thinking of?

Todd Masterson? It wasn't Vilmer, Valderrama. It was Vilmer, Valderrama. Who's the like hip hop guy,, the not funny but affable? There you go. Nick Cannon. Yeah. Oh, so not funny, so affable.

Yeah. Handsome. Not exactly a hip-hop guy. Just sort of. A little bit. Yeah, sort of a singer type, urban singer. Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon.

Yeah. Drumline, star of Drumline? Yeah. Okay. You were on a show with Nick Cannon? I wasn't. Jesse was lying. I wish I was on a show with Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Yeah. Drum line? Star of drum line? Yeah. Okay. You were on a show with Nick Cannon? I wasn't. Jesse was lying. I wish I was on a show with Nick Cannon.

I wish I had that on my resume. Not going to lie, you guys super duper lost me just then. Oh, well, Jordan's known for his snaps. Ah, there it is. I should have told her that her mama was so fat. I thought when you said Wilmer, no one can say it, right? No, and no one should. No one can say it, right? No. And no one should. No one should discuss this man. I think it's on him

to change his name to Wildorama. Definitely. Wildorama. It's a good name for a show. If you yo mama insulted him, though, you would... If you yo mama insulted her... But her mama was there. Her actual mama. Oh, boy. Who also is a family member. Then what do you do?

I don't know. I mean, I could just, you know, I could come up, I could just say it's some fictional, you know, fat, jizz-covered mama. Right. Who, I'm like, this is not about you. I'm just trying to insult this child. She loves most and then say that it's fat and covered with jizz, like her teddy. Oh, yeah, yeah. There you go.

Her teddy snaps. Her Bratz dolls. Your bratz doll is so fat. Well, if she has bratz dolls, I understand where all of this is coming from. Yeah. Oh, do you think there is grifty bratz? Yeah. I think all bratz.

I think anyone who has an S at the end of their name and puts a Z there is probably a little grifty. Yeah. Especially a bratz doll. I don't know if she does have bratz dolls. I'm just thinking of a thing a bratz grifts edition is yeah something that i'm really enjoying thinking about it's like pokemon do you think they do long or short cons sure i mean they're kids bank cons all kinds of cons are bratz kids they're tween they're teens i think they have a lot of cell phones are the

bratz teens? That's a good question. Do we have a researcher? Are you looking? Yeah, Brian, are the Bratz teens? How old is a Bratz? And are they suspended in a state of perpetual teenhood, I guess? Also, I've always assumed they're all Latina girls. I've always assumed that

they are the Latina junior version of a homie doll. That's your baggage. That's your own schism. Yeah. That's your schism. Yeah. That's your schism. Yeah. They're teens. Their visitors come. Mm-hmm.

These are... These are... But when you say teens... They're men. The brats are menstruating, is what you're saying. When you say teens, you don't mean college-age teens, though. We're talking about, like, high school-age teens. What grade are the Brats in?

Do they have a specific academic? First of all, I want to know what grade they're in, Brian. And then can you tell me at what grade level they're reading and doing that? And what school they go to. Brats High? I bet it's Brats High. Your Brats are so covered in jizz. I mean, I like the sound of that.

It's a good setup. They're nice. It's nice because it's punchy because they both end in Z. You know what I mean? That's what you want in a joke. K's and Z's. I think we're missing the bigger picture, which is that we should be pitching a movie called The Short Con.

Okay. Yeah. That is about children drifters. Oh. Wait, isn't that just curly sue oh kids don't remember curly sue kids don't remember curly it's about a five-year cycle kids love jim belushi though kids love jim belushi do you know why because they're people right okay here's what i here's what i'm suggesting to you. We're going to need a license for this thing. I say we go American Girl.

I say we do a 1920s American Girl. And basically what we're doing is we're ripping off the sting. Okay. But we're doing it in an American Girl context. I like it. So we find an adorable little girl, an 8, 10, 12-year-old girl that looks a lot like Robert Redford. And we run through an elaborate – of course, we're going to have to hire Ricky Jay to serve as a consultant. We run through an elaborate scenario, whatever it is, a bank operation.

There's a million different things we could do. Right. But it all involves little children dressed in little vests. Yes. A lot of vests. Like, that's the thing. I mean, ultimately,

I think a significant portion of the budget, child actors work cheap. We'd have to spend a fair amount of money on horseless carriages and a fair amount of money on vests. But if we're willing to make those two expenditures, I think we can make this thing work. And we can teach people a lesson about how tough things were during the Depression, I guess, or right before the Depression.

Pre-Depression, yeah. Right before the Depression. I think these were pretty good because of the roaring 20s. Couple of questions. Yeah. I've got a couple answers. Will you go urban? Well, I mean-

I mean, they're having a different experience. They're having a different experience. They're having a different experience. Down in, you know, Spanish Harlem. Well, I was thinking if we can get Willow and Jaden attached. Oh, okay. This thing funds itself. You mean in the sense that Will Smith would pay for us to make it? Yes, absolutely.

Yep. Would we have to include Scientology messages? I'm willing to. Okay, wow. Yeah. You're quick to sell out. Guys, I am unemployed. Let me make that clear.

How do you see Xenu fitting in today? All right. You got your- He's a kindly old grandpa. I know I do. Elrond. There's too many thetans in the blood of one of these teens. One of these brats slash American girl preteens.

Oh, maybe their parents are sending them to a therapist. Oh. Which is angrying up their soul power. Really getting the thetans boiling. Yeah. Thetans are blood, right? No? Not a Scientologist.

They're in blood. They are in blood. I think thetans are in blood. What's the force? What was that thing that you measure? Oh, midichlorians. Ah. Sure.

Always confuse them. Always confuse them. Which one had Darth Vader? Scientology. Okay. Yeah, they midichlorians. Sure. Always confuse them. Always confuse them. Which one had Darth Vader? Scientology. Okay. Yeah, they pray to Darth Vader. Okay, so we've got Darth Vader and Robert Redford. Does he have a granddaughter?

Maybe he's got a granddaughter? Is Yoda the one from Welcome Back, Cotter? Yes. That's Horschak. We'll be back. Try to focus, Jesse. We'll be back in just a second. Now, Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Do you think it's okay to finish someone else's food? Do you have a fight with your friend over whether or not he should wear his Phillies garb to a Colorado Rockies game?

Does your wife want to keep a chamber pot in her art studio? If so, please do not write in to Judge John Hodgman. I heard all those cases already. Judge John Hodgman is the show where I, John Hodgman, adjudicate disputes between real people calling in over the Internet. And I tell them who is right and who is wrong over such important issues as is a machine gun a robot? And is it OK to go through the garbage at the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage? Bailiff Jesse Thorne rounds out the cast for a fun-filled podcast of judgment and justice. Kind of two of the same thing, actually.

Judge John Hodgman, take a listen if you do not mind. I order it. Come visit the courtroom. It is open to all and located at MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Brian Cook, Xenu warrior princess. Gentlemen, I just got a pretty terrifying email. The subject line is, went to jjgoh at maximumfun.org. The subject line is crow-mentis occasion. You don'tFun.org. The subject line is, crow-mentus occasion. You don't know this, Brian, but I fucking hate crows. Ah, a brother. Yeah. You also hate crows? Oh, indeed.

What's your beef? Do you guys have a similar beef? Maybe we can find some common ground. My girlfriend's old house when we lived in Seattle, they would nest right outside and dive bomb when you walked out your front door. They say crows can remember a face, which that's terrifying. That's some T-1000 shit. They plan against their enemies too. Oh, absolutely.

So you think the scariest part of the T-1000 wasn't that he could make knife arms but that he remembered people. Okay. Absolutely. Absolutely. Also, these crows made knife arms. Oh, okay. And they're beaks.

They have those. They would dive bomb you but they would – like when you were coming up the block, like, before you even went under the thing. Wow. Just knowing you were coming toward it. It was terrifying. I really fantasized for a while about getting, like, a tennis racket and taking them down. Like swatting them out of the air. Yes.

It would just feel so good. Send them back where they came from. Exactly. Hell. See you later. Return volley. Sky hell. Yeah. Oh, you mean heaven. Yeah, that's they came from. Exactly. Hell. See you later. Return volley. Sky hell. Yeah.

Oh, you mean heaven. Yeah, that's what they call it, right? This is from Mark. A few months back, I was sitting in my apartment in the inner sunset district of San Francisco when I heard a bunch of squawks coming from outside my window. A few minutes pass, and the birds are still going strong, so I head outside to see what the commotion's all about. I look up to find a dozen crows perched on the electrical wires outside my apartment,

which itself isn't all that odd for my neighborhood. He's right. I've been to the inner sunset. Crows everywhere there. Were you ever arrested or molested in the inner sunset? No, sir. Okay. But there was a store in the inner sunset,

and the whole windows was taken up by a wall of pins you know what i'm talking about like pins oh like pins like uh like pin back pins you know what i'm talking about like a little enamel pin like you put in your lapel like kids collect or the president wears only children and the president wear them but a full wall the whole front window of that is those little things. You know, it's like- All the same or different? Different. Okay.

But I could never figure out if they were open or not. This is the kind of thing that makes an eight-year-old completely insane. Oh, absolutely. I saw a funny pin the other day. What did it say? I was at the Highland Park Farmer's Market. They have a little swap meet section where grandmas go to sell crafts. Sure.

So there's a lot of, like, homemade Dia de los Muertos stuff. You know, some, like, creepy—oh, there's some Cornhusk dolls, some, like, creepy Cornhusk dolls. Sugar Skull. Get yourself a Sugar Skull. You could get a Sugar Skull, yeah. But then, you know, there's just—and then yeah but then you know there's just and then like you know second everyone has everyone has a vh copy of men in black that they're selling a v8 copy of vhs gotcha yeah you know a v8 promotional men in black when they teamed up with the tomato juice

that was a weird combo it's a weird tie-in yeah yeah trying to get kids into tomato juice yeah right uh i would have gone clamato right yeah you got to get that clam tomato juice. Yeah. Right. I would have gone Clamato. Right, yeah. Got to get that Clamato sponsorship. Yeah. It is the one you ask for, the one you raise your glass for. Is that an actual Clamato slogan? I believe Clamato's the pick-me-up that picks you up. Ooh.

Clamato's what you ask for, the one you raise your glass for, the pick-me-up that picks you up once more. Wow. Then they sing it again. Tastes a little like fish. Spade of clam juice. So this woman, this grandma just had a bunch of grandma stuff. And then it looks like she had one of those button makers, those stampy button makers. Right, yeah. So she had just made all of these buttons and was selling them for a dollar apiece.

And they said, one just there were some that were just happy faces and some that said, have a great day. There was one. This is how she keeps the voices away. Right. She just puts whatever they say onto the button machine. Just keep stamping all day. Some of them said kill your family. But, you know, whatever.

But no, so there was one that just said you know, like, oh, one that said world's best grandma. So you could buy that for your grandma. She has no grandchildren. Yeah. She'll be, someone would buy it for her someday. Right. Uh, but one just, just text, no logos, no logos on this thing.

And it was just plain text. Just said Dallas Cowboys. What font were we working with? Just, I mean, just, I drew this with a marker. Oh wow. Hand drawn. Wow. what font were we working with just i mean just i drew this with a marker oh wow hand drawn wow no no cowboys you know no star no football helmet just it just and there were no other sports teams yeah just said dallas cowboy she's got her team well they're america's team yeah so that is also true uh she is a criminal i want to point that out right that is a trademark she doesn't have

that she didn't have the n NFL's permission to make those buttons. Clearly. Do you think they should send John Madden down to the swap meet to kick over her card table? Absolutely. John Madden doesn't have time to call football games. He's too busy crisscrossing the country in the Madden Cruiser. Shaking down old ladies. Stepping over the line.

Hitting up swap meets. He's like, what can I say? I love going to swap meets. And I love intellectual property rights. My two greatest hobbies. Boom. And then there was one lady who just had every probably two years worth of sequential issues of Justice League Dark. Is that a comic book?

It's a comic book. Yeah. It's like a mean Justice League who hunts ghosts. Oh. Who hunts ghosts? Wait. Who hunts ghosts? Yeah. Is Justice League comic book? It's a comic book, yeah. It's like a mean Justice League who hunts ghosts. Oh, who hunts ghosts? Wait, who hunts ghosts? Yeah. Is Justice League a guy? It's a collection of guys.

First name, Justice? It's like a group of guys. Is it different guys? Is it like the Canadian Avengers? Kind of. It's like spooky heroes. It's like Constantine is in it. Dead Man is in it.

Swamp Thing's in it sometimes. Oh, Swamp Thing, he's not Man is in it. Swamp Thing's in it sometimes. Oh, Swamp Thing, he's not made up. No. Swamp Thing's real. He's as real as you or I. Well, before you were just saying names you made up. That's true. No, I was making that up.

But it was weird that she had that specific comic just every issue. I don't know. Maybe like her kid just moved out or something and just only collected Justice League Dark. Anyway. Her weird autistic kid. Sure. Yeah. Loves Candyland. Yeah. Anyway. So let's get back to the inner sunset district of San Francisco. Romantic

occasion. When we just left off, he looked outside his window to see a group of crows perched on the electrical wires. What was odd is that all the crows were staring down at the ground. So I pan over, presumably with his eyes. I don't think he's... I like how he's just using film language.

Smash cut. Right. All the crows were staring down at the ground. So I pan over to see one lone crow flopping around on the sidewalk with a pigeon. They are tumbling around for a good 30 seconds before the crow pins the pigeon and starts pecking at it. Another 15 seconds and I start to see blood, a lot of blood. After a good deal more pecking and squawking, pecking and squawking, the crow flies off, leaving the bloody pigeon flopping on the sidewalk. And that is when I notice the pigeon

looks strange. Strange because the crow has torn off his head. I like crows more now. I glance over as the crow flies by my apartment, and sure enough, the crow is carrying the

pigeon's head in its claws. The remaining crows get much louder, watching the headless Fade to black. Are you not entertained? I think it would be scarier if he didn't take the head. Oh, yeah. And it's like, oh, we just kill for fun. I mean, I guess there's, you know, maybe he's going to feed. What's he going to do with the head?

It's a trophy. Feed it to its babies. Yeah, you should see. I mean, you got to assume. They want the leg or the thigh. To eat. They want the head. This is a trophy.

It was just Thanksgiving. Who in your family got the head? Oh, at Thanksgiving, we were doing the wishbone. Did that little bitch cheat? Because I have had enough of her. The four-year-old and the six-year-old both got to do the wishbone. And their mom asked, okay, so what are you going to wish for? And the little boy, just as exasperated as anyone has ever sounded just goes she's like oh

what do you want to wish for and he's like a robot yeah it's like come on we've been at what it's a wish what else do you we don't do we have a robot let me answer your question with a question do i have a robot so i'm wishing for a robot just like this is what i always wish for anyway sorry yeah i mean i think i well i mean you know, there's some good meat in the head. I mean, I don't know if you ever. I think you guys are missing. We've all had a cabeza taco before. That's delicious.

That's true. Especially crow or a pigeon. Yeah. I don't mind lengua either. Sure. I like lengua. Right? If you cook properly, it's going to be very tender.

There's lots of good head meats. There's a little. Yeah. I think this is just a serial killer of crows. I think this is a trophy. Yeah. I think this is just a serial killer of crows. I think this is a trophy. Yeah. I think he has a terrifying basement somewhere under his nest. I think it's like a seven situation.

You have more of an Ed Gein I was going for. Okay. Like lampshades made out of pigeon heads. Belts. He clips out all the clippings from the crow newspaper that mention him. Yes, absolutely. Why are they still publishing that? I mean, print is dead.

You've got to assume Crow print is super dead. I don't know if you're... Crows have iPhones, too. Let's say you're a purveyor of fine pigeons. Let's say. Where are you going to advertise? www.terrapigeonsheadoff.com? I just assumed it was...

rec.sport.terrapigeons?.Off.com? I just assumed there was... Rec.Sport. Yeah. Some kind of forum. I am a little disappointed, although the story definitely brought me right back around. It's very satisfying, but at first I assumed that this would have something to do with Cro-Magnons, based upon the title. Cro-Mantis Occasions. Yeah. Do you guys... How do you guys, as Cro-H haters, how do you feel about the pigeons?

I mean, who gives a shit about pigeons? Yeah, a nuisance at worst. Okay. They're not like crows. They're not, they don't have a scheme. Right. They kind of have dead eyes. Yeah.

Do breadcrumbs count as a scheme? Once in a while, I'll look at a pigeon and I'll think, you know what? A pigeon's not even actually that ugly. And we think of it as being ugly because it's in an ugly cohort and context and stuff. It's actually kind of neat looking. It's got those iridescent feathers. It's just they associate with literal garbage. Yeah. I mean, so. They associate with garbage. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're hanging tight with garbage. They're on the garbage side of the tracks. It's like a seagull.

Mm-hmm. Not a bad-looking bird. When did you ever see a seagull more than three feet from a dump? That's true. Or in the sea. Caesar. Where do you dump your trash? Well, straight in the sea.

Oh. See? Yeah. Yeah. There it is. When something momentous happens to you, our listener, we ask that you call us for our segment Momentous Occasions. Our telephone number is 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN. Put in your phone so that you have it ready.

Why is it a Seattle number? Because it's the heart of the tech industry. Ah. Circa 2003. Okay. number uh because it is a because it's the heart of the tech industry ah circa 2003 okay um when whatever this company is whose website i have not visited since 2006 when i set this up that gives you free voicemail where if you call it and leave a message it emails it to you and they still exist yep k7.net shout out to k i presume they still exist it's still K7.net. Shout out to K7.net. I presume they still exist. It's still working. It's still working.

I literally have not been to the website in many, many years. They were bought out by enom.com. I don't know. I don't know if we have an outgoing message on this phone number. I don't know. Like it could literally, the outgoing message right now could be, it could be like, hi, this is Jesse. I'm an eighth grader at the Nueva Learning Center in Hillsborough, California. My favorite baseball player is Robbie Thompson. I love eclipses.

No cops. No cops. 420 friendly. Wait, were you trying to find a roommate with this? Originally, I was trying to find a roommate. And then he just kept it. Yeah, the problem is- Going to see the eclipse.

No cops. Somebody posted the number on Usenet. Ah, dot peta. Alt dot sf dot roommate.petafile. Hey, they got to live somewhere. They do. It's true. You know?

Especially with all these laws. And why not have it be with a tween? Let's take a call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and hopefully guest. This is Michael in New York calling with a momentous occasion. I just got my four-day-old daughter, three-day-old daughter. I don't know. I've lost track.

I just got my three-day-old daughter to fall asleep in her crib for the first time. Fall. Oh, shit. he just passed out. Oh, no, he's dead. At least he made it through the call. Yeah. Oh, God bless you, sir. I feel like Brian cut it off before he got to the part where he's like, I'm just at my fucking wit's end, man. I can't take this any longer.

So it's hard to get the baby to sleep in the crib, right? Yeah. So it's hard to get the baby to sleep in the crib, right? Yeah. I mean, the baby just... The problem with babies is they sleep. It's not that they don't sleep. They sleep all the time. It's just that they just sleep and not sleep whenever they want to in 15-minute intervals.

So there's no... Very little regard for other people's feelings. Yeah. There's no respite from it. It's just a brutal continuing onslaught of sleep or not sleep. And the other problem is it doesn't like if they're sleeping, you are just cleaning vomit off yourself or whatever. Like it's not a break.

Right. Oh, sorry. I might, there's This stomach flu in my house has made me reconsider all of my life's choices. You should give that last especially eating spoiled chicken. Yeah. That was a weird move. That was a weird

Thanksgiving for everybody. Spoiled chicken again? I had to cancel Thanksgiving. No Thanksgiving at my house. You said to eat crackers and ginger ale? Yeah. I literally ate crackers and ginger ale on Thanksgiving. What do you guys have for Thanksgiving? Turkey and stuffing. Huh.

Not crackers and ginger ale. Yeah. Huh. I had a fun Thanksgiving. I had a fun Thanksgiving. Yeah, right. Yeah, just like the Pilgrims brought over, crackers and ginger ale. Crackers and ginger ale.

I had a fun Thanksgiving experiment. I was listening to the guy from the Sporkful podcast. Sure. We're talking Dan Pashman? Talking Dan Pashman. Sure. Talking about Thanksgiving. Here was his recommendation for your leftovers.

Jordan. Yeah. What does Dan Pashman from the Sporkful recommend about your leftovers on Thanksgiving? Here's what he says. I feel like he was about to tell us that. So kind of the tradition. I'm the host. I'm just trying to set up my friend Jordan.

Thank you. I stepped over the line again. So kind of the traditional. I'm the host. I'm just trying to set up my friend Jordan. Thank you. Do you mind if I? I stepped over the line again. Jordan. Sorry, guys. Brian, of course, your Thanksgiving leftovers are just crackers dunked in ginger ale. Come on. There ain't nothing left over.

Yeah, right. Someone put some crackers in ginger ale for me. You're going to leave it sitting around? Yeah, with Cook sitting at the table. Come on. There's only one thing to do with those particular leftovers, Brian. Next morning, smoothie. Yeah, right.

Exactly. You blend it, put a little ice in there, a little coconut water. Jordan. Here's what I did. Jordan, can I set something up for you? Jess has got a question. My friend Dan Pashman hosts a podcast called The Sporkful. Yeah.

It's a podcast about food and culture. What's a pod? It's a lot of fun, this show. Yeah. He probably had a great idea. Podcasts mainly were a guy who doesn't really read Justice League Dark tries to explain Justice League Dark to two of his friends. Oh, that sounds popular. It's not. Okay.

It is not. And that's something about Swamp Thing. Yeah. I don't know. For no good reason. Swamp Thing and a couple made-up words. It just tries to riff a comic book. You know, Swamp, it's a team.

It's a super team. It's Swamp Thing. Constantinople, whatever the thing was you said. He's like a lady. She got big gazookas. You got Spook Force. Mm-hmm. Ghost Lookers.

Ghost Lookers. Looking for ghosts. You got Deadwood. Here's what you do with your Thanksgiving leftovers. So the traditional Thanksgiving leftover sandwich is you get a roll, you get your, you know, crescent roll, your whatever, and you put, you know, turkey dressing, mashed potatoes. None of this adds up, but I'll assume that's a thing you do in Canada. Yeah, right. It's north of the border.

Here's how we do it. Here's what Tashman said to do. Instead, you say you throw out the bread. You throw out the roll. You throw out the crescent roll, whatever. Well, because it's dried out. It's stale. Sure.

You take your dressing. You take your dressing or stuffing. And you just eat that. Fuck the rest of it. It's the only good part of the whole Thanksgiving meal. Yeah, you go in the bathroom, you get in the bathtub, draw the curtain, and just eat stuffing with your hands.

You press it into a disc. Uh-huh. You put it in a pan with some olive oil. You brown it on both sides. That's the bread. And then you put in turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, whatever else. It's delicious.

I tried it. I like it. You're making like a stuffing latke. Yes, exactly. I added a little cheese for hold. Because the problem, I think that's good because part of the problem with a roll is it's not fried enough. Sure. Exactly, yeah.

How do you get more butter? Can we deep fry any of this? Anyways, I tried it. It was great. It does seem weird to stuff as much as I do enjoy that sandwich. It does seem weird to cram more bread into your bread. Right, yeah, exactly. It's always felt a little wrong.

Yeah. How much starch can we eat? Let me throw this out there. One year, old BC over here took the leftover mashed potatoes, put them in the waffle iron. Oh, my God. What did that do? Ruined his waffle iron. Made the most amazing thing I've ever eaten.

So how do you eat it? With a knife and a fork? Yeah, with your mouth and some utensils. You could use your hands. Does it come out waffle shaped? It does. Does it crisp up? It crisps the hell up. Ever had a french fry? Yeah. Giant french fry. Wow.

Yeah. Also, there was a lot of blue cheese in the mashed potatoes. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Delicious. They don't leave it in there for a while. Don't let the light on the waffle iron lie to you. It's not going to take waffle time. No. It's going to take a while. It's going to be in there. Okay. So longer than a waffle. Should I just let it burn?

Yes. Yeah, when it burns down the house. And you crumble it up and you have it with some ginger ale. Like the fires of Babylon. Like the fires of Babylon. That really took a turn, you guys. Yeah. We're talking about this guy's baby.

He was in a crib. It was a momentous occasion. Let's take another call. Hi, this is Big W from Winnipeg with a momentous occasion. I am a 27-year-old gay adult baby. And today I had another guy change my diaper for the first time. Immortal power. Bug it in. Big W.

Big W. Getting it done. What a cool guy. Kind of weird to throw big in there when you're an adult baby. Don't you want to be Lil W? Lil Dub? Lil Big Dubs? Lil Dubs? Lil Big Dubs? Baby Dubs? It's tough. Does an adult baby pick a specific age you want to be Lil Dub ya? Lil Dub. Lil Big Dubs. Lil Dubs.

Lil Big Dubs. Baby Dubs. It's tough. Does an adult baby pick a specific age of baby to me? Oh, I wonder. Yeah, I wonder if there's big toddlers, if there's adult toddlers. Like some people have the fetish of just like smashing shit in your house when they come over. Yeah.

Yeah. Pulling your dog's tail. It's a fetish. Adult tween. He's just like, I'll be in my room. Don't come in my room. Maybe this just comes from following our friend Kevin Allison's Twitter feed. But I feel like women are so less involved in coming up with ridiculous and creative things to be into in terms of sex.

They're more interested in interested in say commitment or, uh, you know what I mean? Like feelings related to something rather than crazy nonsense that it's got to be fun to be a gay man and you can come up with things to the internet. They seem like they're enjoying it. If you're in a nice size town, like big W's in Winnipeg.

Yeah. Hot town. Do you think Winnipeg's named after Big W or vice versa? No, no. Yeah, I think so. Big Winnie. You can really come up with some shit. And there's some other dude that's come up with that shit.

Yep. You know what I mean? You just get together. There's an app on your phone probably. And you smear your shit on each other's hands. Because you're gay dudes. You're into other dudes. Sure.

Yeah. I was wondering. I'm not saying that, look, I don't want to, I'm not saying that women can't come up with some weird shit to be into. I'm just saying it seems like more dudes are into coming up with weird stuff. Too busy shopping and money rights. Yeah. Come on. I'm just saying more dudes are coming up with weird, complicated stuff.

Absolutely. I also often find myself wishing that there was some weird thing that I was into because it seems like it would make things easier. Let's get you one today. Because my wife really loves me. She'd do some weird thing with me if I wanted. Like a living pony? Yeah, sure. Sure.

Or dead pony. Dead pony. Dead pony. I'm into that. Just a human pony, I guess, is probably. That's just a human pony, I guess, is probably. I think part of it, too, is that it's got to be easier just to relate to somebody of your own sex and just be like, hey, man, are you into blowing snot out of your nose into someone else's eye? That's just an easier thing to talk to a dude about, probably.

Yeah, man, that's guy stuff. Guy stuff. That's the kind of stuff you want to talk about with your buddies on a panel show. Cracking some brews. Starring the guy from the Partridge family. Oh, I know what you're talking about now. Starring the guy from The Partridge Family. Oh, I know what you're talking about now. What's the guy from The Partridge Family? Yeah, The Male View. Is that around anymore?

No, I think it lasted about nine months. Danny Bonaduce. Danny Bonaduce. He does comedy clubs now, by the way. Well, he's pretty funny. He's really funny. He's a really talented, funny guy. Yeah, I mean, he put in the work.

Yeah, he did. Yeah. Earned it. He's earned his fame, funny guy. Yeah, I mean, he put in the work. Yeah, he did. He's earned his fame. Yeah. Well, let's get some fetishes. Here's what I wonder with that stuff. With the adult baby, with Bonaduce. Yeah, Bonaduce-ing.

Any gay men out there into Bonaduce-ing? It's where you remain inexplicably popular. Starting from a very young age. Right. Takes gay men out there into Bonaduce. It's where you remain inexplicably popular. Starting from a very young age. Right. Takes a while. You can't just jump into Bonaduce. Sure. Exactly. It's gradually. So when with that stuff, with, you know, change the baby, with human pony, with, you know, shoe shoe licking. you know shoe licking when do you jack off or do you jack off later thinking about it or do you just like oh thanks for changing me well now

I'll fuck you I think the ultimate is when you don't even have to jack off not that you have an orgasm without jacking off but like you're like I'm past orgasms I think it's weird that you guys are so about orgasms that this is even sexual in the first place no you're right, I'm past orgasms. I think it's weird that you guys are so changed. It's not even about orgasms. That this is even sexual in the first place.

No, you're right. It's probably not sexual. It's probably practical. You think that this could possibly be like a... Quadriplegic. Or like a literary, like a Kafkaesque situation. Oh. Where he's just woken up and regressed to babyhood.

Yeah, well, like, we're supposed to be learning a lesson about this. When he says he's an adult baby, it's actually a metaphorical, but a literal in our world meant we live in a literary world inside of a metaphor that's supposed

to teach people outside of that metaphor a lesson. Because I guess, like, jacking off is not baby-like. So you're breaking character there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Come on! No, you're right. Babies love to jack off.

Let's take another call. Jordan, just to go, this is Alex from Hollywood, Florida. I'm calling for a moment of vacation. It's momentous for me, anyway. I was walking the neighborhood. I was wearing my Captain Marvel t-shirt, or Shazam if you prefer. There was a

family, father, mother, a teenage son, and a huge dog who had stopped to walk in Mill Street, kind of talking with each other, real animated-like, and they were glancing over at me for a few seconds. Eventually I walked close enough to be in the conversation shop.

My dad goes, hey, that flash for Shazam. I go, Shazam. And the mom says, I told you. And that's it. Great show, guys. I don't think that guy was really Shazam. You think he was the guy who bought a Shazam t-shirt? Yeah.

Why would he have called in with such a lame story if he wasn't actually Shazam? That's a pretty good point. He's been waiting to get recognized for years. Yeah, since the 1940s. Dude lives in Hollywood, Florida, for God's sake. Who's going to recognize Shazam in Hollywood, Florida? He moved there because of elderly people. Well, he moved there because he wanted to blend in and not be recognized.

Well, I guess the alter ego of Shazam is a child. What now? Shazam is a child, and when he says Shazam, he turns into Captain Marvel. Captain Marvel. AKA Shazam. Comic books. Why does he have two names? I think legal issues.

Can I tell you what I literally assumed? Yeah. That Shazam was like a black version. Okay. That it was Captain Marvel, but like in certain communities. That's your schism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your schism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your schism.

Absolutely on me. Yeah, no, right, but Shazam is not an adult. He's a child who can turn into a superhero. Didn't someone post a really in-depth post on our forum explaining the difference between all the Shazams? I don't know. Someone posted clips from the 70s Shazam TV show that was pretty funny. Was Shazam the tiger? Wasn't there a Shazam the tiger?

Was Shazam an adult baby? Sounds like it. Probably, yeah. Almost certainly. Yeah. Hell, if I was Shazam, I'd be. Yeah, that'd be nice. Get out there and do it.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Can I tell you something? I was thinking about this just with regard to baby penises. Mm-hmm. Go on. And baby erections. So when my dad was telling me the birds and the bees, we're on this camping trip.

I'm like nine or ten years old. Classic. That's a classic place to do it. Absolutely. Alone in a tent. And it's not like we went on other camping trips. This was the one camping trip. My dad was like, shit, I'm going to have to take a camping trip.

Oh, look, here in the clearing. it's a volume of the joy of sex. Well, we should probably read it. Our bodies ourselves. And at one point, my dad asked me, have you ever gotten an erection? And I said, I don't know. I didn't know what an erection was. You couldn't figure out from context clues? Yeah.

You figured out casing cars pretty easily. You mean from the fact that my dad had an erection? Yeah. Can he point it downwards? You know, one of these. You ever spotted one of these bad boys? My father. Come on, high five.

So he said, have you ever had an erection? And I said, I didn't know what that was. I think I said, I don't know what that is. And he said, you know, it's when your penis fills with blood. Definitely the part to start with. Yeah, sure. Something like something. And I said, I don't think so, because it didn't sound right.

Well, it sounds gory and painful. Yeah. You'd think he would notice. Yeah. And he pokes up or something. And he says, really? Because, I mean, your brother, he's like three years old. He has some time.

He's popping them left and right. Late bloomer. Why would you? What is that? Yeah. Where was my dad going with that? I mean, yeah, I guess he was trying to start some sibling rivalry. Yeah.

You had the hardest boners at the earliest age. He's dad. He never loved you. I mean, that's the end of it. He's a pretty good dad overall. I mean, I love my dad a lot. It's just, what's that? Sure.

You got to think it through first. Your dad's probably getting up there in age, right? Got to be in his 60s. My dad just hit 70. Just hit 70? Big 7-0. I think it's time to take him on a camping trip. Oh, yeah?

You're like, hey, what's up, old man? Still get these? I didn't think so. How's it feel? Then you leave him in the woods to die like a viking what if my brother John is there don't bring John

don't bring John his bones will ruin everything John's like 24 years old he's gonna probably has diamond boners boner prime

this guy's got not only does he have boners but like he's in the part of his life boner prime is a boner where the Nazis won World War II.

This is a comic book reference. Alternate boner theory. It's a multiple boner-verse. There are multiple boners existing at once. Some of them fight ghosts and live in Canada. Right. I'm sure my brother John, my brother John listens to this program, by the way.

I'm sure this kid's got gorgeous boners. John, if you have a momentous boner, number is 206. You need to dial the phone. Or I guess you could unlock your iPhone with it. And for that matter, my youngest brother, Brandon, he just went away to college. He lives in Chicago. His girlfriend lives there. I'm sure this kid's got boners like you wouldn't believe.

He's got boners to spare. I can barely generate them. I got two kids. Why would you want to? You already got two kids. I know. All it's going to lead to is you're just going to rocket some kids out of there. Yeah.

You're done. Your boner days are behind you. If you're lucky. What does that mean? We're all broken. Yeah, you're just going to rocket some kids out of there. Yeah. You're done. Your boner days are behind you. If you're lucky. What does that mean? We're all lucky. Yeah. It's a small room. So.

Any other brothers? Any other family members? I was wondering if we take a quick break. Could somebody change my dighty? Sure. Will you be jacking off during or after? That's for me to know and you to find out. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, uh you got just competitive erotic fan fiction that's the thing and now i'm presuming that's roughly what it sounds like it is exactly what it sounds like that's what it says on the packages they say yep i have booked people for it and they've been like but i just do stand-up right it's just a weird name no you literally write erotic fan fiction and compete with it do you and you are you mentioned you were doing a show in san diego so you're not just this isn't just some bullshit you're doing it the acme comedy theater in Los Angeles. Fuck that place. No, I do it all over the country. I think by the end of this year I will have done 35 shows in 15 cities. Yeah, it's been busy.

So I do it every month. Third Tuesday is at Nerd Melt here in LA and then somewhere else. It's also a podcast people can download. Also a podcast available on Nerdist.com

or on iTunes for free. I did it a few weeks ago. Killed it. It was really a thrill for me to get free. I did it a few weeks ago. Killed it. It was really a thrill for me to get asked. I think I mentioned this to you that I had been coming to the show for a long time. I always love it. Yes.

And it felt like I had won a contest when I got asked. It felt like, you know, it was like I got to be ball boy for a day or something at the Wimbledon. You know, at the Wimbledon. It kept skittering back and forth across the stage. Yeah. I did have cute little shorts on, though. They were adorable. And my erotic story took place in the world of Xbox Live. It was all the most homophobic kids from Xbox Live get sucked in and learn to enjoy gay sex with all the Xbox characters.

Yes. Oh. And they come out less homophobic than when they were sucked in. It had a message. It had a message, yeah. I like to, you know. How'd you do in the competition? box characters yes oh and they come out less homophobic than when they were sucked in it had a message it had a message yeah i like to you know how'd you how'd you do in the competition uh i lost to i forget the guy who who won he did space jam though and it was fucking amazing uh keith carey there you go yes he did uh he did uh michael jordan and porky pig fucking on the set of space jam yeah uh it was delightful it It was really, really good. Eyebrow show. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

Yeah. But I've been feeling a little bit bad about myself. I told an Xbox-specific joke that got zero laughs, and I was always like... Oh, I remember this, but I don't remember the joke, as I also did not get it. That's okay. I think what happened was I mixed up some Gears of War characters. I said that Dom played Thrashball. It's okay. I think what happened was I mixed up some Gears of War characters. I said that Dom played Thrashball. It's Cole that

plays Thrashball. You can't make those mistakes in the back of a comic book shop. I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry. It's alright. To everybody at Competitive... I'm sorry I ruined your show, Brian. You know, it's about time somebody apologized. It didn't have to be you. Yeah. But thank you. Can you apologize to our friend and listener, Guy, who's the head of marketing for

Xbox? Guy, i'm sorry that i thought it was dom who played thrash ball then really it was cole who played the gears of war themed wedding that i officiated it wasn't a gears of war themed wedding it was a beautiful regular wedding that had a gears of war all of the best at the end all of the best men were dressed as grubsars of War guns. And then you played thrash ball. Yeah. Whatever that is.

It's future football. Ah. One of the major characters in Gears of War is Yngwie Malmsteen. Now you're talking my language.

Now you're making jokes I guess. Let's do two more hours of this podcast. Where we talk about famous technical guitar players. Yep, I'm in.

We have a buckethead chunk we've been looking through. Little Stevie Salas, anyone? No? I'll show myself out. Bye, Brian. Bye-bye. But yeah, Competitive Riot fan fiction is really fun. Steve Vai, nice of you to pick Brian up.

That's my ride, guys. Oh, man, you can't have shotgun. There's Joe Santriani. Just silver surfering away. Not proud of any of those references. Sorry, no room for you, Trey Anastasio. Oh, God, anyway. Guy from Primus.

Who's that? Larry Lalonde. There you go. Yep. So, yeah, competitive rod Fan Show is very fun. Great show. If you can see it live, you should, but if not, download the podcast. Despite my grievous error that basically ruined the show.

Yes. Is that episode going to be podcasted? Yeah, that'll come out. I'm putting out, for the next month, I'm putting out New York and Boston shows because I'm going back to New York and Boston. And that's how I release them is when I go back to a city. I put out those. Otherwise, I put out LA ones every week, and so it'll be like a month before your episode comes out.

Great. It'll be beginning of January, I'd say. Okay. Terrific. Who you got on that Boston show? Probably Big Poppy, David Ortiz? I mean, I'm trying. I'm doing my best.

Any of the Red Sox, really, that I could possibly list. Carl Yastrzemski. Carl Yastrzemski, Yogi Berra. Is that a Red Sox really that I could possibly Carl Yastrzemski Carl Yastrzemski Yogi Berra is that a Red Sox? no can't know about as much about

comic books as I do about sports never fit in Robert Parrish former Boston Celtic Robert Parrish yes they will all be on it

they just do Jordan vs. Bird fan fiction for Larry Bird and Michael Jordan fuck there was a very specific Zach Sherwin Yes, they will all be on it. They just do Jordan versus Bird fan fiction. Larry Bird and Michael Jordan, fuck. There was a very specific, Zach Sherwin did a very specific Chicago Bulls. He drew it. Who is it, Tony Kukoc?

It's got to be Tony Kukoc. I don't know what you're talking about. It's got to be Kukoc. He got the 92-93 Chicago Bulls specifically and knocked it out of the park. But no, we haven't had any Celtics fan fiction. Boston, Boston, coming up. Look at you, Boston, if you really want to bring the house down. I don't think people in Boston like the Celtics.

They're not really into sports there, are they? No, not a sports town. Yeah. Not a sports town. You know, if there's some things that Boston aren't into, I'd say higher education, sports, and racism. Not interested in any of those. Wait, are Bostonians racist? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Boston is a legendarily racist city.

I didn't know that. Why are they racist? What do they do? Well, they separate whites and blacks. Almost perfectly. Classic racism. Like as though there was like a diamond line between all the whites and all the blacks. This is enforced by guards or something?

They like firebomb public busing, public school busing, that kind of thing. Wow. Yeah, very racist. Things I didn't know about Boston. Don't forget homophobic. I won't. Boston's a wonderful city, though. I do love Boston.

I do love Boston as well, but those are definitely true statements. Can I tell you what I love about Boston? When you head back to Boston, I don't know if you're ever looking to buy a nice piece of clothing. There's a shop in Boston called Bobby from Boston, which is I say this absolutely without hyperbole, the best

men's vintage clothing store in the world. A truly spectacular... Wake up! Steve Weiss men's vintage clothing store in the world. A truly spectacular... Wake up, Steve Vai's here. Would they have an ascot? Yeah, you can get an ascot. Would they have a cravat? You can get a cravat there.

You get a cravat pin, probably. Two questions. Can I get a cravat? Can I get a pin that just says Dallas Cowboys on it? Can I say a menswear thing before we head out of here? Better than anyone I know. It's the holiday season. And I have two really cool put this on things that you might consider as a holiday gift.

One is we may put this on baseball caps in two designs. One is a hunter green with a gold stag's head. Ooh, classic. Which I happen to have worn to the studio here today or to the office here today. It's not on my head. I'm not an animal.

I don't wear hats inside. But it's gorgeous and I designed it with the help actually from Sunny D. Sunny D did the graphic design and layout on it. And the other is

a combination of a heathered gray flannel and a navy blue with a letter P on it for put this on. They're both sort of designed to be handsome, attractive hats that don't tie you down to a particular sports team. Are they unisex? These are unisex caps. They are fitted. They are made in the USA. They are ultra premium.

All wool leather bands, satin taped seams. My, my. Satin underbill. Perfect for everyone in your family? I would say pretty much everyone in your family would enjoy this. What about cheating six-year-olds? Oh, absolutely. For the cheating six-year-old in your life?

Well, they're going to want the green one because that's an eight-panel cap. That's in the style of the 1920s and 30s. Okay. So they'll want that for uh their movie pitch is there a cyber monday deal sort of like how uh jason schwartzman from rushmore made his own uh rushmore academy jacket for the audition they're going to want one of these baseball caps for when we make our sting knockoff wow yes there it is yeah little scient sting. So you can get those at PutThisOn.com. I really promise

you will not be disappointed by them and we also of course still have gorgeous, gorgeous pocket squares including we're about to put up for sale a few pocket squares that are made from the silk maps that

airmen in the mid-20th century would keep in their uniform so that if they ejected from their planes, they would have an escape map that they could fold up small enough to hide and wouldn't be damaged by water if they had to. Fit in their anus. Or wherever. Oh, okay. You know, in their sock or something. Right.

But wouldn't be damaged by water if they had to eject in there. Have you tried shoving these up your anus yet? Do you know how does it feel? There's one in my anus right now. Oh, great. It's really, I mean, it's silk. It's all silk. Sitting comfortably, clearly.

But they're really beautiful. Great posture. You know, we found these original maps from the 1940s and 50s and made them into pocket squares. They're really gorgeous. Very cool. Among the many other pocket squares. And you can find the links to both of those at PutThisOn.com. Let me ask you this about the pocket squares. Yeah.

I'm assuming that if one is purchasing a pocket square from a Jesse Thorne. Yes. That much in the way men buy Japanese schoolgirls panties, they would prefer you wear it around for a day or so first? I usually just wipe it in my underarm to get a little musk. There you go. Seal it up in a Ziploc bag. Yeah.

And it is mailed overnight. If you need musk on it, I'll musk it. Yeah. It's going to be funky. As long as you buy Jesse enough stuff off his Amazon wish list, she will musk up a hanky. Do you take Bitcoin? Yeah, absolutely.

I insist on Bitcoin. Awesome. I'm really, right now I'm thinking about opening up, I'm going to get out of podcasting, Pocket Squares, the whole nine yards, and just open up an alternative to Silk Bitcoin. Awesome. I'm really, right now I'm thinking about opening up. I'm going to get out of podcasting pocket squares the whole nine yards and just open up an alternative to Silk Road. Okay. I like it. I'm going to be selling opium seeds and, you know, that kind of thing. Podcasts.

Should we start that? Like live shows. Like selling live shows. Yeah, yeah. Like premium content. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. But we got to find a way to make it illegal so that it's sexy.

Yeah. Can I order a hit? Yeah, sure. yeah. I like it. But we got to find a way to make it illegal so that it's sexy. Yeah. Can I order a hit? Yeah, sure. Great. Please do. But it has to be at more popular podcasts. It has to be at the live taping of a podcast. Oh, okay.

No? So it'll mostly be someone who goes to Nerd Melt regularly. Wait, what? Yeah, anyway, it was good to know you, Brian. Yeah. That's ominous. What an unusual sign-off. Very much so.

Our producer is Brian Fernandez. Don't worry, you'll know you're getting yours when Dan Harmon gets taken down. You're after him. Third on the list at best. A.K.A. Sunny D. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of that band. And their label, Light in the Attic Records, it's from the best of the free design. Kites are fun, the best of the free design.

Happy holidays, guys. We'll talk to you next time. And on the internet between now and then. Yeah. On Jordan Jesse Go. Bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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