Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 303: Hobbit Coffee with Asterios Kokkinos

Episode Date: December 9, 2013

Comedian, writer, and actor Asterios Kokkinos joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Must See TV, the new Hobbit themed menu at Denny's, and putting shoes on dogs.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. We have a lot of listeners across the country. Sure. Start with the brag. That's what they say, right? Young.

Old. Yeah. Black. Mm-hmm. White. Sure. Young. Start with a brag. That's what they say, right? Young. Mm-hmm. Old. Yeah. Black. Mm-hmm. White. Yep. Latin.

Mm-hmm. Other. Asian American. Sure. Indistinguishable. Sure. Confusing. Sure.

Of confusing ethnicity. Yeah. Rich, poor. And they all come to Jordan, Jesse, go for the same thing. The current weather in Los Angeles when we are recording the podcast. It's dreary. It's been raining. Yeah.

Would you say that... Bitter cold. Would you say that this, by this I mean the weather in Los Angeles when we're recording this, is the closest thing America has to must-see TV? Well, I mean, since Cheers ended, I would say. Certainly more so than Seinfeld. Yeah. I mean, I would say the golden age of must-see TV is Cheers and the Cosby Show. Then, to some extent, Friends and Seinfeld. I think because I associate must-see TV with something that came along.

I mean the concept of must-see TV was there during Cheers, but I think they didn't start saying must-see TV until Friends the Single Guy. Right. Veronica's Closet. Right, but nobody wanted to watch it by then. I mean no one that I know wanted to watch Seinfeld? Come on. Yeah. Four unpleasant

I'm not going to sugarcoat this Jews in New York City. Man, you're not pulling any punches today. What about Friends? Let's talk about Friends. Sure. Four I'm not going to sugarcoat this again. Asians. I'm not going to sugarcoat this again. Asians. Ugly Jews.

I think must-see TV. Yeah. What they wanted, I mean, what America wanted was fat Gentiles in a bar. Let me say this. Let me say this. Must-see TV, in my mind, began and ended with ABC's All in the Family. I think you're right. I think we can all agree.

1970s and running into the early 1980s, I believe. That any time after that someone said must-see TV, they were just being sarcastic. Right. If I were going to define what must-see TV means to me, I would compare it to, I guess, that silent film where the train comes at the audience. Sure. And everyone screams and rhymes. Right, because they'd never seen a film before. Right. That's how I would, that's what I would say is the peak. I mean, you can ask Jeff Zucker. Yeah.

He was probably knocking around. He'd probably have something different to say. Probably has something to say. He'd probably compare it to that one silent film where a cowboy shoots a gun at the screen and then someone had hand colored the smoke from the gun green because just they could and that was a trick. Oh. Yeah. It was a trick. Oh. Yeah. It was a trick that it was an alien cowboy? I think people just liked that you could add a color before the advent of color film.

But maybe that was the kind of, you know, the subtext was that the cowboy had been an alien the whole time. Do they have aliens at the time? No, aliens weren't invented until Orson Welles invented them. Right. To trick people. Then, of course, later on, ABC's All in the Family. So what we're saying is that it's cold. Right. Moral of the story is it's cold.

Our guest on this week's program, you know him as a comedian, comedy writer, not a podcaster. Thank God. Thank God one person in America doesn't have a podcast. I'm too lazy to podcast, and that's saying something. Asterios Kokonos.

Hi, Asterios. Hey, guys. Thanks for having me. Have you ever been on the program before, Asterios? I've not been on this program. I've been on International Waters. Which was so much fun. You did a wonderful job.

This will be less fun, just to prep you. Oh, I assumed already. This will be much less fun. And apparently more anti-Semitic. Yeah. We got pretty anti-Semitic on that International Waters. You were like, Jew or super Jew was one of the questions. I was trying to set up that I didn't like Seinfeld because they were all Jewish,

and I didn't like Friends because they were all Jewish. And there were four of them. Yeah. Right. Exactly. But then it turned out the Friends people, as you explained, were Asian, which I didn't realize. Yeah. So messes up my joke.

They could be both. And I think they were. Were they? Yeah. I think they were all Asian. That's why America never took to that show. Yeah. That's why Friends is like an in-joke.

It's like Studio 60 and Friends. Right. The two things comedians only joke about. Yeah. Well, anyway, we're here. My Veronica's Closet parody Twitter account never took off. Caroline in the City? That's also a good one.

Yeah. My favorite thing about Must See TV tv here's a story i heard that seinfeld that they uh they were such dicks to seinfeld early on that when must see must see tv took off and started doing those cross show promotions like where there was like a hurricane in mad about you and like phoebe would have to run into their apartment because she was getting rained on or something. Although, to be clear, Mad About You for most of its time was not a must-see TV program since it aired on Tuesdays.

But it had a must-see TV pedigree because Ursula- And featured Persians. Exactly. Let's- Sorry. Don't call them Iranians. Right. Yes.

Well, anyway, so apparently, so when there was a blackout. Right. In New York, it was like in Friends, it's like Joey and Chandler are trapped in an ATM vestibule. And in Carolina City, it's like, well, how will they get the comic like emailed on their 56K modem in time? Because there's a blackout. Sure. But then the announcer for the commercial is like, yeah, tonight blackout. Oh, my God.

It's Friends. What? Oh, it's happening on Carolina City. Blackout, skip Seinfeld. And then on the single guy, the super blackout. The worst of the blackouts. They didn't just leave it out. No.

They just said, blackout, skip Seinfeld. They're like, lights on for a sec. I literally think they remember. I remember them saying, like, lights are back on for Seinfeld, and then the lights are out for Veronica's Closet. To be fair to Seinfeld, they offered to play the game. They did pitch a storyline where Kramer drank until he blacked out. I think they should have had an even longer explanation because that's not satisfying. Why are the lights back on for Seinfeld?

I mean, it could be like, lights are back on for Seinfeld. It takes place in a parallel universe. A universe where the lights aren't, you know, and just to explain the mythos. Because I think that's what people want. They want to know that there are universes with continuity. They want to know what's going on in the must-see TV-iverse. Sure. Must-see TV-verse?

Yeah. The must-a-verse. The must-a-verse. There's so much continuity between these shows. Mad About You and Friends share Phoebe's twin sister, Ursula. The problem, can I just interject? Sure. The problem with calling it the must-verse is it could get confused with the must the musty verse, which is a universe that I've created.

It's sort of a bio sci-fi thing where humans are replaced by humanoid musk oxes. Oh, wow. Musk oxen, excuse me. See, that's the safest way to talk about like religion and politics. It's like, you know, oh, we're not talking about fascism. It's just these musk oxes and one of them wants to take control. Right. And you're in fear in the know, you know, it's like, oh, that musk ox is Stalin.

You know, by their scent. He's got the scent of Khrushchev. Yes. So you but you're mainly using the musk oxes to comment on Obamacare, though. No, no. I mean, I think the reason I switch, honestly, I started writing it in the world of humans. The reason I switched to the musk ox world is I didn't think people were ready

for my social satire, specifically the Gorbachev stuff. I had some really hard-hitting stuff about Mikhail Gorbachev. Just a human Gorbachev? Well, it was just a standard Gorbachev. Yeah. Yeah.

And it was a standard Gorbachev and a Khrushchev dog. That would pound like a little doggy slipper on the table. Yeah, one of those little dog booties, those cute little doggy booties. That they wear in the snow sometimes. Yeah. You know, you see like a celebrity has those little shoes on their dog. Do celebrities, are they putting shoes on dogs these days? Oh, yeah.

They are not just like us. No. I have been severely misled. If I live somewhere snowy, I'd think about it. Dog boots. Because it's so cute. It's pretty cute. It's pretty hilarious.

The funniest thing is seeing them struggle to take them off for the entire time they're on. Yeah. Just like chewing on them. Dogs don't want it. Dogs don't want it. I mean, guys, here's my thing, R.E., dog and pet clothes. Sure. Is that, yes, I'm not going to argue that that's cute. That's not cute.

I'd have to be some kind of monster. Yeah. Right. But it just seems like it is such a specialty item and it requires so many steps to get these dog boots. Right. I'm saying. You got to go to your computer. Sure.

You got to visit Google.com. Bing.com. You got to type in. I'd recommend visiting Bing. That's the decision engine. Oh. You type in dog booties. Wait.

Let's do the. You have to click buy. Type in your PayPal password. Oh boy. Wait for the delivery man. I'm saying, like, this is all good. You can just put them in a Trader Joe's bag, and that's also funny. So you're saving several steps.

You're saving dozens of dollars. What if you got, like, a golden, though? Oh, I don't know. Oh, yeah, get it in some boots. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, it's not going to fit in a Trader Joe's bag. Oh, put it in that blue Ikea bag. Oh, those big ones.

That would be good. I love those. That is fun. Here's what I'm thinking about. What if you went in a Rodeo Drive boutique? Sure. Let's say you're Paris Hilton. For instance.

Or even Perez Hilton. Mm-hmm. And any of the beautiful Hilton sisters. Each more beautiful than the last. Let's say you're the Mexico City Hilton. Right. Okay. Let's say you're a major celeb-uton.

Paris Hilton, for example. The most relevant celeb-uton we could mention. Certainly so. She's at the tip of America's tongue. Lenny Kravitz's beautiful daughter. Sure. Oh, Lenny Kravitz's beautiful daughter. Sure. And you... Oh, Lenny Kravitz, by the way,

who thought he was a good actor? I had no idea... Is he a good actor? In The Butler and in The Hunger Games, he's fantastic. It's like, if he'd just been doing that

the whole time, I would have liked Lenny Kravitz this whole time. So you... During... During... So you watched both of those movies. Yes. And never once thought about that song where he rhymes fly with fly?

He was so good I didn't know it was Lenny Kravitz. So he disappears into character that much. Was he wearing Lenny Kravitz crap? Was he wearing a leather vest with no shirt and nine scarves? Was he wearing like a leather vest as a bracelet? He was wearing items from his clothing line, Lenny Kravitz's crap. And it was

crap with a K. For branding, yes. So it's an ownable property. Kravitz's crap. Yeah. So he's good in these. He's really good in the movies. Well, his daughter is quite striking. Who's his daughter?

Liv Tyler? No, she was the- Elizabeth Taylor. Oh. She was the girl with the insect wings in X-Men First Class. I didn't see that movie. I saw it on an airplane, and so the screen was so small, I had a hard time looking at it. Yeah.

Most of the time. That screen was too small to contain a story that big. That's what it sounds like. Speaking of big stories. Sure. This celeb-utant goes into a- Okay. Oh, right.

Sorry. Derail. A Tony boutique. She's got the straps of her purse over her shoulder, and it's under her arm. straps of her purse over her shoulder, and it's under her arm, just as you would, just as in 1999, Paris Hilton might have with a toy poodle or a chihuahua. Well-pronounced. Two fine dogs. Thank you.

In this case, it's one of those big blue Ikea bags. She's got a golden chamber in there. Or a lab. She's got a chocolate lab. She's got one of those- Squirming around in an Ikea bag. She's got something in chamber in there. Or a lab. She's got a chocolate lab. She's got one of those- Squirming around in an Ikea bag. She's got something in the Marmaduke class. Yeah.

A Marmaduke class dog. So not an Air Bud class dog. No. Absolutely. Let's kick it up to Marmaduke. Far from an Air Buddies class dog. Initially, it was an Air Bud class dog, but I just kicked it up to a Marmaduke class dog. It's also trailing a trail of sausage wings.

Because they went into the boutique butchery. Watch out, mailman in an Ikea bag. Marmaduke in an Ikea bag is coming for you. Please send us any pictures of you carrying around a golden retriever in an Ikea bag. I think their bags are free or something. 95 cents. If they're not free, they're cheap. They're super cheap.

Put some laundry in there. Can I recommend a really good sort of cost-effective way to amortize your expenses? What if you couldn't? It's your show. Of course you should recommend it. That's a good point, Asterios. This is your office we're in. Oh, actually, Asterios, Brian, Sonny D, actually bought the show.

So Jesse is asking him permission. Brian, huge fan. Let's talk podcast after this. Go get some tacos. Stop schmoozing. Jesse, I hate you. Okay, let's keep going. Sorry to interrupt.

Ah! Stop schmoozing. Jesse, I hate you. Okay, let's keep going. Sorry to interrupt. I say when you go to the Ikea, you're going to have, what are you going to have? Wear and tear on your vehicle. Of course, sunk time, opportunity costs there. Of course.

You got gasoline costs. Yeah. I mean, you're probably going to spend money at the corner bakery, which is next door. You're going to maybe want to get a soup sandwich combo. Tolls. You have to be concerned about to get a soup sandwich combo. Tolls. You have to be concerned about tolls, especially if you use the HOV lane. Oh, boy. Possibly parking tickets.

Depends where you park. If you've got a placard. Is it Halloween? Why are you telling this spooky story? So there's a lot of costs. Right. Associated with the trip to Ikea. But you're getting two benefits in my formulation.

For 95 cents, you're going to get yourself one of these big blue Ikea bags. It's not just great for marmaduke dogs. It's also great for laundry. Sure. Canned goods. Power strips. Yep. Sure. Canned goods. Power strips. Yep. Hell, you can carry water from a well for little ways.

It is kind of plasticky and laminated. You actually probably could. Yeah. I mean, depending on how far away your well is from your hut. Baby bath. Mm-hmm. When you need to scrub down a baby. You're going to need one of those little baby chairs that you put them in.

You could fit a couple babies in there. They're big. They're big babies? Well, you could fit a couple small babies or one big baby. Right. Two medium-sized babies. Depends on proportion. So that's number one.

Lay a men-to-end in the yard, throw the hose on there, slip and slide. That's true. That's going to take two or three. So multiple uses of the blue bag, that's your number one opportunity for cost amortization. Number two opportunity is soft serve. How much soft serve can you buy? It costs 95 cents. You're saving with each cone, I'm going to say, $1 to $2.

So let's say your costs are $30 for this trip, including sunk time, all those that we just enumerated. We're rounding up for this. Just buy 15 cones, buy and consume 15 soft serve cones, and you're at even. Yeah. Buy and consume 20 soft serve cones, and you've made $10. You see what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. made $10. You see what I'm saying? And on and on from there, if you can eat, say, 500 soft serve cones just based on this one trip, $30 in sunk costs, you're a rich man.

That's how Donald Trump got started. Absolutely. Eating soft serve cone after soft serve cone in the Ikea dining room. Yeah. It's Ikea in Red Hook, Brooklyn. Hmm. It was a much more dangerous neighborhood back then. Yeah. That's kind of in Trump's book, like Trump to the top. That's the entire book.

It's just- Him describing each cone. Go to Ikea. Him describing cones one through 5,000. And then like a thank you. Thanks, Pop. You're my rock. And that's the book. You know what the sequel's about?

What? Lingonberry drink. Does he get to the meatballs ever? Maybe he's too important now. Yeah, we're still waiting for the meatballs. The thing is the book just doesn't pay what the other, you know, a tertiary sequel. Yeah. Trilogizing his,ogizing his hagiography.

Yeah. The money's not there. He's got to focus on Trump the board game. Trumpopoly? No, Trump the board game. They're both real. I'm not saying there's not a Trump the board game. I know there's Trumpopoly.

I know there's Trumpopoly. I went to Trump Tower when I was visiting my aunt and uncle in New York City. It's as creepy as you think it would be. How many Trump likenesses are there around? You enter his mouth to go in the building. No, that's not true. The facade, it's a literal facade. It's his face. Wow.

You go in, and this is the only thing I know. Is there a little speaker, and there's a pressure pad at the door, and there's a speaker on his head, so when you walk in, he goes, yum, yum. And if you don't taste good, he's like, you're fired. From my mouth. From my mouth. From my mouth. Get out of my mouth. Your mouth fired. We were talking the other day about fun, bad impressions to do.

Oh, yeah. Schwarzenegger, fun, bad impression. What's his name? The guy, Christopher Walken. Yeah, Christopher Walken. Sure, that's the one. Yeah, yeah. That was a brilliant impression.

I was going to guess Al Pacino, but you're right. You're right. Yeah. I was off base. It was probably both. JFK. JFK is probably the most fun that I can think of. Bad Trump's pretty good.

How does Donald Trump talk? Yum, yum, I'm eating you. You're going in my mouth. That's right. Go in my mouth and buy my book. Wait a minute. Is this Trump FK? You're fired, Russians.

It mean I'm your fired. This is the stupidest 20 minutes of audio that's ever been recorded. I'm sorry that you don't have a podcast, Asterios, but it's good that you don't because you could never compete with the level of stupidity that we've just generated. I'm just going to take this 20 minutes, loop it into an hour, put it out a hundred times. There you go. That's my podcast.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Cameron Esposito, the host of Wham! Bam! Pow! This is an action and sci-fi movie podcast on MaximumFun.org. We talk about punching. We talk about car chases. We talk about arms, muscles that are on arms. And every week I'm joined by panelist Rhea Butcher. That's me. And, of course, also Ricky Carmona.

Oh, I'm all up in it. That's what's up. The Afro spokesman. We are going to give you all of the jokes and all of the happiness and all of the information that you need to watch action sci-fi films to the fullest. Find it at MaximumFun.org, or you can subscribe on iTunes. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. At what institution? Denny's. Are there other Hobbit menus out there? Is IHOP cutting in on their action? No, it's just Denny's. Denny's has a Hobbit menu? Yeah, every time there's a Hobbit movie, Denny's has a special menu fit for Bilbo and his friends. When you open the menu, it is the Mines of Moria. That's opening the menu is an adventure in itself.

And they have amazing Hobbit stuff. I'm addicted to the Hobbit coffee. I went, Jordan sent me. That's the most uncreative name. Oh, it's called Bowman's Brew. Oh, okay. But I just go, Hobbit coffee, please. And then I point to my mouth.

Oh. And then they just throw a pot of coffee on your face and I go back at night and I do it it gets really good um the hobbit coffee it's fantastic Jordan set me up with an audition earlier today I went to Denny's and I was like one hobbit coffee to go and they were like I don't think anyone's ever asked for that before like a Denny's coffee to go and I was like first time for everything give me that coffee it's that before, like a Denny's coffee to go. And I was like, first time for everything, give me that coffee. It tastes like candy. It's pumpkin coffee, whipped cream, and caramel.

Wow. It's really good. I mean, it's got all that stuff in it. They don't give free refills. Okay. And they specifically, last time I was at Denny's, I was like, I'll take the Hobbit coffee, please. And they were like, just a warning, there's no free refills. And I was like, since when are there no, why are there no free refills?

And she goes, because of what you did last time. Wow. Is your picture up in this Denny's? It must be in the back somewhere. I had gone there the night before. You're a distinctive man. You're not going to forget this face. How many of these things did you pound back?

Did I quaff? Four. Wow. I had four the night before and they were like, we will give you one. And I said, there must be some mistake. Can I please speak to the manager? And I was like, come on. It's me.

Asterios. You've got my picture up in the back. And they were like, come on. It's me. Asterios. You've got my picture up in the back. And they were like, we'll give you two. And I said, deal. You're a shrewd negotiator. What are you getting for an entree on the Hobbit menu? Well, you can't get Gandalf's Gobblemelt because that was only available last year. Radagast's Red Velvet Puppies are back.

Is that a cooked puppy entree? It is. You remember I had the pancake puppies? Yeah, it's a permutation of the pancake puppy. What is a pancake puppy? Is that like a hush puppy made out of pancakes? There you go. Is it fried?

Yeah. That sounds pretty good. Three of them encircle ice cream like the green shells in Mario Kart would encircle your cart. And then they pour chocolate sauce on it. Thank you for that analogy, by the way. I was having trouble picturing it. And what do I get when I go there? There's this thing called honey cake French toast that I love.

And I'm on like a no desserts diet. And I'm like, it's French toast. This is once a year. Or for me, like 12. Well, there's one time period per year where you can go 12 times. It is available for a limited time only. Yeah. That's true.

Consider this for instead of going on a no desserts thing, what if you went on an all Hobbit thing? To lose weight? Yeah. Or to have fun with my life for once? Because that's a good way to do it, actually. I mean, I think that a lot of people criticize Peter Jackson for stretching the Hobbit out into three plus hour movies.

Yeah. The book is short. It's kind of meant to be a short jaunty adventure from what I understand. The idea, as I understand it, is the idea of The Hobbit is it's like an enjoyable Lord of the Rings. That's books wise. Totally true. But I mean, I think maybe he just had the long game in mind.

He's like, Denny's did such a good job with this menu. Let's see how we can stretch this out. So maybe he's just – I mean is he even inserting characters that could make good entrees? Can I guess a scenario? My guess is while they were in pre-production, Denny's came to him with a few of these menu ideas. A mock-up, sure. You know, he came to him with this Hobbit coffee. He came to him with this Mario Kart dessert.

Peter Jackson, let's face it, this guy doesn't have the physique of an Olympic swimmer. He's no Ryan Phelps or Ryan Lochte. He's no Ryan of any kind. Not at all. Not even a little bit. This guy's no Ryan Phelps or Ryan Lochte. He's no Ryan of any kind. Not at all. Not even a little bit. This guy's no Meg Ryan. No Jerry Ryan. No Gosling, comma, Ryan.

He's no Ryanair. Irish Airline. Rhine River? You know the rhino, the Spider-Man villain? Sure. He's like that. That's more. What's the state of Peter Jackson these days?

Is he fat or is he skinny? I don't know. I presumed him to be fat just on principle. I think there has been a reboot. been a slim down a reboot forgot about that yeah yeah he shrunk I think specifically when he introduces the King Kong 3d ride at Universal Studios you get to see the skinny Peter Jackson

and that's old I hope he kept it off I can't it's hard to keep it off we need to keep that guy around right you know me you're making a Somalrion movie. Sure. Although I think what he did, how he's stretching out the Hobbit is inserting elements of the Somalrion. Oh, really? He is, actually.

That's how you make these three-hour Hobbit movies is you just dip into the Somalrion. From time to time. Also, in the middle of the second movie, they just play the Fellowship of the Ring in its entirety. And the characters watch in a magic portal. Yeah, exactly. They're like, ah, our dark future. This looks enjoyable. Well, let's do nothing to affect this from happening.

There's just a brief period in the third one where it's intercut with footage from Condor Man. Wow. 70s. I can't with footage from Condor Man. Wow. 70s. I can't wait for the Condor Man omelet. Think about it. Giant condor eggs. Giant condor omelets. Well, the eggs are chicken eggs.

There's condor chunks. Let's get back to condor meat chunks. Peter Jackson. It costs $100,000. There are no more condors. Thanks to the condor menu at Denny's. Peter Jackson gets handed some of these. There's no more condors.

Thanks to the Peter Jackson menu at Lenny's. Denny's. Lenny's. I'll take the Schmondor omelet. We only had enough tape to record one of these. Okay, so I think what happened is Peter Jackson gets pitched this menu. He says, if this is a one-year thing, I'm going to commit suicide. This is too good.

Yeah. Because he knows he can get it throughout production, so hence the production delays. Right. Then he caters all the shoots. Yeah, so he gets it throughout production, and then he gets it through the release course of the film, and so I think he's just going to start tacking stuff onto the end to keep this menu in production. Wow. I have to say, I read on Ain't It Cool News earlier today that it's a Tetralogy now. Oh.

So there you go. Is that 13? I don't know. I was hoping one of you would. Is that it? I don't know. I think it's 12. I think that's a series of books or films about Tetris.

Oh my god. I would absolutely love that. I hope that long skinny piece gets what's coming to him. I'm glad that you came in to this show though prepared. Tetrology. Tetris chronology. You came in here

you had your pumpkin coffee, your Hobbit drink, special Hobbit drink. Mm-hmm. You're pumped up. Did you do research? Did you do any research on us? I did a little research. I went on to the Something Awful forums, and I went on to the Maximum Fun Reddit. Wait.

No. Okay. So, number one, Something Fun Reddit. Wait. No. Okay. So number one, something awful. Yeah. I had a friend who was on this in college. This is a website where people pay $5 to talk to each other. Something like that? No.

That would be ridiculous. $10 to talk to each other. It's like one of the oldest websites that's still around. It's kind of like the web used to be like our good friend Maddox. Right. Something awful. And like that was it. It was like your browser could only.

Netscape used to come with two big buttons for the only two websites you could go to. Maddox and something awful. Yep. Friend of the show Maddox, of course. Friend of the show Cindy Crawford G, of course. Friend of the show, Cindy Crawford Giff. Cindy Margolis. The most downloaded woman on the internet. Yes! I love it!

Oh my gosh! So I brought... What kind of forum is there on the Something Awful? I guess I know it for where you would go for Photoshop Friday. Yeah. Where people would Photoshop

funny images onto movie posters. Mm-hmm. Where they would Photoshop the package from famous Amos cookies to say famous anus. And that was very funny.

I did that. Wait. No, I'm joking. I didn't do that. Please don't target me for anything. I didn't do that. And I guess they did something called the horrors of porn where they'll watch a kind of a very specific porn movie like a clown porn movie or something.

Or like a Nazi clown porn. Yeah, sure. Yeah. You know, something awful had like a lot of little features like that. It was very internet 1.0, I suppose you'd call it. And I'm still active on the forums. Internet 1.0, I suppose we'd call it. And I'm still active on the forums. And I went there and I was like to the podcast forums.

Where, by the way, all they do is complain about podcasts and how they don't like certain things of podcasts and how they'll stop listening to podcasts. And then they don't. Like, they say the worst stuff about shows. Adam Carolla. Doug Benson. Well, see, that's. Presumably, I would just presume that it's all about Adam Carolla. Doug Benson. Well, see, that's – Presumably, I would just presume that it's all about Adam Carolla repeating his rants. That's what I would presume.

But that's – it's like that's fine. If you're going to bust on Adam Carolla, like go ahead. But it's like – so I went on there and I was like, hey, I'm going to be on Jordan Jesse Go in a few weeks. I'm going to be on Jordan, Jesse, go in a few weeks. Just to back up real quick to this idea of the internet complaint against the thing that you regularly ingest. Oh, of course. And then they always listen every week. It's so weird. I feel like those kinds of complaints at once hurt more because they're well-researched.

Because maybe there's a glimmer of truth to them. But they also hurt less because they're clearly coming from a crazier person who hates something that much yet continues to listen to it, look at it, whatever. There's a matter of zeitgeist. Sure. Sure. That if you can insert yourself into the zeitgeist, somehow you become so significant in a certain group of people or your product becomes so significant in a certain group of people that even people who don't like it feel like it is incumbent upon them to be up on it. Sure. Yeah, I definitely feel that way about a lot of things, though. Honestly, like I didn't see – Themed menus, for instance.

No, I experienced those wholeheartedly. Okay. Like I dive right into those. But like I wanted to know who the bad guy was on Scandal and why. It's like I'm not going to watch Scandal. I want to know who's the bad guy. I want to know. Was that just because Jordan was on Scandal?

What? Oh, yeah. I had a brief appearance as sleazy tabloid reporter. What did you say? Can we hear the scene? I forget. I had several lines. A few of them were cut out.

Oh, God. What? Probably because of poor performance. Were you like, these photos are going to be a real scandal? Yeah. And then did you point at the scandal yeah and then i looked at the camera and winked yeah i wish i'd seen that and then i said that's the name of the show was the problem that you were wearing one of carrie washington's signature trench coats it

was yeah i brought my own which she did not like yeah uh no i was on an episode of scandal and and and i recently got a got a call from them that said, you know, we're just – we're kind of calling some people who have been on the show before and … To tell them they did a bad job. Yeah, to tell them – right. To tell them that they're the reason the ratings are dropping. The ratings are very good. It's a very popular show. Yeah.

So they called and they said, hey, we're just … Because of Kerry Washington's signature trench coat. Of course. We're all wearing them right now. We can't get enough. No. Yeah, we buy them online while we're watching the show. I use the Scandal app.

Exactly. I use a Twitter hashtag to, I hashtag Scandal Purchase Trench Coat. Yes, I am a man. Send it anyways. Hashtag Boo Room. At Josh Bolina. So, yeah. So I was on an episode of Scandal.

They called and they said, hey, we're calling people who have been on the show before. We're kind of doing a big story that involves the media. We just want to see if people are around and available to perhaps come back in because we want people who are in the world already to come back in. Sure. I am a part of the scandal-averse. Sure. Are you on scandal.wikia.com? Oh, I don't know.

Maybe. I hope so. I should hope Sleazy Tabloid Reporter is on there. I hope I have a whole back story. Can someone please do that? There's someone out there with the time to do that. If you're listening, keep – Jordan does so much for you. Can you at least start a Jordan thread in the scandal sub-forum on something awful?

Good luck. Here's what I'm suggesting for people. Please, please. A big part of the story of Scandal, why it's such a big success is because they have done such a good job leveraging social media. All the cast is on there. They live tweet the show. People watch it live. They don't DVR it.

It's a big success story in that way is that they've done a really good job of making it an event program that people have to tune into because of social media. So they listen to social media. They're on there. They're looking at the hashtags. to because of social media. So they listen to social media. They're on there. They're looking at the hashtags.

I mean, if people want to get on there and they want to at scandal writers, if they want to at ABC scandal, and if they want to start a little campaign, bring back sleazy tabloid reporter, I'm not going to stop you. I say go for it. I think they'll listen. I'll directly encourage you to do it. I think creators Shoshana Rimes'll pay you to do it. I think creator Shoshana Rimes will listen to the fans. Yeah. Shoshana Rimes is a good woman.

I've heard her on NPR. Yeah, she's terrific. Seems like a nice lady. Writes some real snappy dialogue, if you ask me. Have you guys seen her Garbage Pail Kids card, Shonda Grimes? That's one of my favorite Garbage Pail Kids. Huge fan. It was really prescient of them to create that long before she became a national figure.

It was like Star Trek with the cell phone and Garbage Pail Kids with the creator of Grey's Anatomy and Scandal. Yep. Anyway. At some point, African-American women are going to get in the network television game. And when it happens, it's going to break big. So we need to be there. Let's find some local teams. They made a thousand and I'm hoping one of them would pay off.

Okay. What was going on before we got into scandal? We were talking about something awful. You felt compelled to zeitgeist, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. So Asterios went on to something awful into their podcast area. Where, again, they're complaining about me right now. Like, I know for a fact they are.

They're saying, like, if I were on, I would have done X, Y, and Z. I'm just glad – I would have brought up – Well, there's no need to do that mean nerd voice, Asterios. Well, that's where I draw the line. I felt good doing it. Come line. I felt good doing it. Come on. I felt empowered doing it.

I like putting other people down. It makes me feel better. This is what you sounded like. Oh, I'm a serious. I love something awful and doing a nerd voice to impersonate something awful. Jesse. Yeah, this is you. something awful.

Jesse, yeah, this is you. Oh, I'm Jesse. I'm going to make fun of Mysterios because he goes on something awful to criticize the people on something awful who are like, oh, I don't like something. Jordan, this is Jesse. This is you. I'm Mysterios.

I don't even have a back. I'm still smiling, stupid. Hey, guys. This is John F. Kennedy. He's like, I'm John F. Kennedy. Ha, ha, ha. That's him saying R, R, R. Okay, go ahead. I thought that was him.

Asterios, you're fired. It's me, Jesse. Yum, yum. Go in my mouth. I love to eat you when you go in my hotel. I'm Mama Duke. I'm in a big bag. Oh, wow.

Okay. All right. So I went on these forums. Sorry. And I say on these forums, I'm going to be on Jordan, Jesse, go. What should I do or not do to make a successful appearance? Okay. Do you it a successful appearance? Okay.

Do you start a new thread? Is this just a sub post in another thread? Did you just post this in the Comedy Bang Bang thread? That's what I would recommend. It's more active. No, there's a comedy podcast megathread. And I posted it there. Yeah, throw it in the megathread.

Well, it's a mega show. Sure. And I posted it there. Yeah, throw it in the Megathread. Well, it's a mega show. Sure. Now. User The Bunk said, if the show doesn't go well, draw a comic about it. Oh. Okay. Do you know what that means? We do.

We do. We do. Should I not talk? You guys are making bad faces. Should I not talk about that? The guys from Penny Arcade came to me. Moving on! And they did the drum mean comic about it. One time I went up to the guys from Penny Arcade at a con, and I

said, I want you to draw the main character from Control-Alt-Delete. And they were like, yeah, do you guys remember Control-Alt-Delete? It was the webcomic where the main character's wife had a miscarriage. The funny video game webcomic where the main character's wife had a miscarriage. Oh, no. The funny video game webcomic. They're like, whoa, too many graphics.

I've got an Xbox One. How did you do that? I've got one regular Xbox. Like, I've got a PlayStation 4. I taped four PlayStations together. It's that. And then there's like a miscarriage plotline. And the guys from Penny Arcade made fun of it so well that I went up to them and I was

like, draw that guy. And they were like, we know exactly what you want. And here it is. And I have it framed in my apartment. Oh, that's nice. Okay. User. They sound like good guys.

They do sound like good guys. Look, they raised a lot of money for Child's Play. Sure. User. We've heard. User the underscore Rob says, talk about dicks. Okay. Have you talked about dicks yet?

I can't remember. I guess we haven't talked about dicks at all on this show so far. I was amazed, actually. My dick smells weird. Okay, moving on. Okay, my dick doesn't smell great. Duke of Sklarbro says, ask them about their love of Skabans and crows. Oh, God.

Oh, geez. What if they were- Mysterios. Yeah? People are trolling you. People are trolling through you. I don't- You're trolling us right now.

We are live trolling. Just like people live tweet scandal. You are live trolling this show. Here's my impression of you, thank you so much. Thanks for the tips. At Jordan Jesse Go, troll, troll, troll, troll, troll, troll, troll. Oh, boy. Is there an at Jordan Jesse Go?

That's why there's not because people would just type troll a lot. People would just be trolling. Okay. Well, look, I'm sorry, guys. What else you got? These are no. This seemed like good advice. This Sklarbro.

I'm sorry. Look, I'm sure this Sklarbro kid, you know, I go on the Sklarbro. I just recorded a segment with the Sklarbrothers on their great podcast, Sklarbro Country. I go on there regularly. I'm sure he's got a golden heart. He's probably a sweet young man trying to do the right thing. He just made a terrible mistake. You know, anybody can do that.

That's why I'm addicted to cocaine. Go ahead. Do you have any cocaine? No. Do you have any cocaine? Jordan? Jordan, do you have any cocaine? No. Hold on. Not anymore. Oh, the one time I went to, what's that?

Williamsburg? First time I went to Williamsburg. Wait, Williamsburg, Brooklyn or Colonial? Colonial, Brooklyn. Both have great food scenes. Yeah, that's true. Great food scenes in both. I'd always heard that like, oh, cocaine, cocaine, everyone does cocaine. And it was the first time I was there, and I was like, well, those are all stereotypes.

That's just jokes and jokes. Sure. And I go there. I meet with a friend. Within the first 15 minutes, his friend goes, do you want to go to the bathroom and do cocaine? Wow. Wow. Yeah. Is this go to the bathroom and do cocaine? Wow. Wow. Yeah.

Is this like in the afternoon at a cafe? Well, it was in the crown of Lady Liberty herself, which was in Brooklyn. Sorry. And then finally, what is it? The user TNI Mark said, just go in ready to have fun and play along. And I wrote next to that, ignore. Must control humor flow. I like that last one.

I mean, not your control humor flow, but I think that last one was really nice. I've been having a really hard time as I've gotten older controlling my humor flow. Are you considering maybe wearing adult diapers? Humor diapers? Yes. You're not going to take Zaltrex? Valtrex? I don't know what it's called.

Well, I'm glad those young people steered you in the right direction. One of them did. I was trying to give them extra credit. I try to be a nice guy, you know? You don't need to try. You are a nice guy. Even when people are trolling. Yeah.

A bunch of trolls. That was some straight trolling. You got trolled, Holmes. I got trolled into trolling. I'm sorry. Do you know about trolling? It's urban slang. You mean hiding under a bridge?

For eating a goat. For capturing a goat. Goat capture. Goat capture meme. Got it. God, I could go for some goat right now. Anyway, it can be gamey, but if you stew it. Oh.

Speaking of good food scenes. I first had it at Colonial Williamsburg. Oh. And I also had a soft pretzel. Which was also tremendous. Was it like an old-timey soft pretzel? No, standard soft pretzel. Was it given to you in like the Constitution? No, I just got it at Wetzel's. Was it like an old-timey soft pretzel? No, standard soft pretzel. Was it given to you in like the Constitution?

No, I just got it at Wetzel's. Got it. We got it at Wetzel's there, so I went ahead and got it. Eat old Wetzel's. I mean, you're not getting a better pretzel anywhere. You know what? Get up Wetzel's. Can I say one sincere thing about Williamsburg, Brooklyn?

Sure. Wetzel's pretzels and food scenes and soft pretzels more generally. So in New York and specifically Brooklyn, a few years ago, there was a pretzel revival, an artisanal pretzel revival, where they were making – there were stores that were making and selling fresh, real pretzels. This is, number one, the only food trend that has ever not been copied six months later in Los Angeles. And B, the only food trend that I desperately want to be brought to Los Angeles. I would drive to West Hollywood where these things get copied first, stand in line, which is what happens, and fucking wait an hour for an artisanal soft pretzel. That sounds like the greatest artisanal shit that I could ever eat in a million years. I fucking love soft pretzels.

And the idea of making it for real instead of in a weird Wetzel's Pretzels. I'll eat his Wetzel's Pretzels one. Don't get me wrong. I'll even eat the kind at the zoo that just is reheated under a heat lamp. Yeah, you get a little packet of cheese with that, a little cheese dip. But I'm saying a fresh pretzel, that's a fucking amazing thing. Let's bring it to Los Angeles. That's just a message for entrepreneurs.

Now, you also mentioned Reddit. Yes. Oh, yeah. Mention Reddit. A Reddit slash R slash soft pretzel, if I remember correctly. Slash atheism. Slash pretzel, if I remember correctly. Slash atheism. Slash pretzel men's rights. Yes.

Slash upskirt. Hey, we'll let any kind of pretzel on. We're not going to limit what people can say about pretzels. I don't like your offensive Reddit voice. I think it's offensive to men. I think it's offensive to men. I think it's offensive to atheists. Call Adrian Chen to write a story about my offensive Reddit pretzel voice.

Asterio. Yes, sir. Tell me about Reddit. What Reddit did you visit? What's it called? Subreddit. I visited the slash r slash maximum fun subreddit. I also visited slash r slash maximum fun subreddit. I also visited slash r slash podcast.

Yeah. And you guys, they like you guys a lot. Really? They started a Reddit just for you guys. Well, that's maximum fun. What's going on on the maximum fun Reddit, though? Is this a real Reddit? It's a real Reddit.

Of course it's a real Reddit. This isn't a phantom Reddit. What was their involvement in the Boston bombing? It was a picture of John Hodgman. Right. And then underneath it written, that's the guy. Sure. So did you post any questions on there?

Yeah, some of these answers are from that Reddit too. Okay, okay. It's a blend. But they really like you. You guys should subscribe to that Reddit. Go say hi. Do an AMA. Why the hell not? I've done an AMA. I've done multiple AMAs. I did a put this on

AMA. I did an NPR AMA in the NPR subreddit. And I did a regular AMA in the AMA Reddit. You know what people ask me about? Fucking Penny Arcade. Really? Yeah, basically just Penny Arcade.

So that is actually a thing. That's not. Yeah. It's basically the defining element of my public. Who has the time for. Yeah. Who gives a shit? It's unfortunate.

Not me anymore. Yeah. I mean, I think. Many years later. Over the. Yeah. It's weird because like on the Internet, it is what we're most famous for is we're the guys who Penny Arcade got mad at. Oh, God, really?

Yeah. You're not famous for being likable friends who have made over 300 episodes of a podcast? Not really. That's how I know you. Thanks to those comic dicks. Thanks, Asterios. You guys didn't hear the second part of what I said. They've raised a lot of money for charity.

Sure. Yeah. They've raised a lot of money for charity. Absolutely. I'm not saying they haven't. What do we do to make this MaxFun Reddit more lively? Jordan, are you going to do an AMA on there? I still don't know how Reddit works.

You sign up for an account. I get it. I get there. Then you type in, I'm an AMA. Okay. AMA. And then people send you Pokemon pics? Yeah.

Of fantasy Pokemon that haven't breeded? Haven't, like, what happens with two Pokemon breed? Well, number one, the Reddit, MaxFun Reddit AMA area, slash Reddit, slash. That's the website you need to type in. What he just said. Sure. That's the URL. But put internet colon colon slash beforehand.

Or else it doesn't work. Put on your VR goggles and wade into the web. You type into there, I'm Jordan from the internet, from scandal. You know, fuel

Jordan. Sure. Ammy anything. Then when people ask you stuff, you write it in. And then later I'll try and look at it because I'm interested. I won't be able to understand what's going on. Then I'll just go to Splitsider because they'll break it down of what people said. No.

Yeah. Splitsider will cover it. Yeah, they'll make it more legible for me. I think the Huffington Post will probably do, like, most racist questions asked to Jordan Morris on his AMA. I mean, that's the kind of attention we need. That's that Adam Carolla shit. Yeah.

Should we start saying more incendiary things in general? It's a good idea. I already said that stuff about Seinfeld at the top. That's true. But that was all true. No one would disagree with at the top. That's true. But that was all true. No one would disagree with it. That's the problem with that. Yeah, I know.

We need to say something that, you know, is controversial or people have strong feelings about one way or the other. Yeah. Can we think of something? Oh, my God. Wait. Oh, you got something? Yeah. Okay, please.

Trench coats make Kerry Washington look fat. I heard an audible gasp from your producer, and these are soundproof walls. So this must be incendiary. Guys, this studio is on fire. Should we leave? We should finish this. We should finish the show first, but then evacuate quickly after this. Guys?

Yes, sir. I'm sorry. I just think the Denny's Desolation of Smog menu is inferior to the Despicable Me 2 menu. IHOP's Despicable Me 2 menu. I think that the – I would trade the – sorry. I'm sorry. I just think that the Minion stuffed avocado brisket is superior to the Bilbo's mushroom chocolate fondant.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm going to leave. I think I might leave soon. Or is it a... I don't know, man. I didn't know it was that kind of show. A hot topics show?

You didn't know it was about hot topics? We shoot from the hip. I guess you guys are straight shooters that shoot from the hip on hot topics. How about this? Yeah? When it comes to mall food, I'd rather eat something, you know, I don't even like pretzels. Yeah.

I'm going to have Sbarro's. Wow. The mall. Oh, my. Is it? Listen to this before you publish it is all I'm saying. I never listen. Just give it one.

I know. I'm asking you to make an exception these are my signature right you have two kids these are my two kids of their future you're gonna have the the big pretzel after you yeah absolutely take you down big pretzel a big fat kerry washington in a big fat trench coat this is America. I have the freedom to say what I believe, to feel what I want, and to Kerry Washington. Are you aroused? Yes. Just thinking about big fat Kerry Washington.

It rises all the time. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. That's the sound my dick is making right now. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Max Fun Con is the ultimate weekend getaway. Come to the mountains of Southern California. Hang out with brilliant, creative people.

Laugh at amazing comedy shows. Make friends for the rest of your life tickets are on sale now go to maxfuncon.com while we've still got room it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Gaw. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Stereos Kokonos, uncomfortable being alone.

God. So am I. Who isn't? My wife is out of town right now. Yeah. And I'll text and call anybody just to hang out. I don't like being alone. He basically forced himself on the podcast.

Really? I had a Lyft drive me down here, and I was the annoying one in the car that made too much conversation. You had on your big pink mustache, too. I did, yes. Exactly. I'm ready. So what do you do? I mean, other than this? I mean, this is great.

Let me ask you, has it led to anything? Has your, you know, kind of reckless texting, has it led to any adventures? Handjobs? Have you gotten any H.J.'s out of the deal? My wife who's listening to this, I did not get any handjobs, Justine. It's just a lot more. Wait, hold. Sorry?

What about from Fat Kerry Washington? No, she's on my cheat list. Right. Fat Kerry Washington. So if Kerry Washington gains 100 pounds. Right. Then. I'm allowed.

That's it. What have I? No, honestly. And hers is Tubby Tatum. Tubby Tatum. Tubby Tatum. What have I been? No, it has been playing a lot of XCOM Enemy Within.

Too much XCOM Enemy Within. That's what I've been doing. And, like, I have all these stickies on my desktop that are, like, supposed to make me productive. Stop playing XCOM Enemy Within. Stop playing XCOM. Like, there's a Google Calendar for it, and it's like Stop playing XCOM, Enemy Within. Stop playing XCOM. There's a Google calendar that's like, delete XCOM today.

Not ignore snooze. Yeah. Playing a lot of XCOM and drinking a lot of Hobbit coffee. That's what happens when my wife goes away. Do you think that you drank four Hobbit coffees the other night

because of loneliness? You just wanted to spend time with your server. You know what? Maybe. Like, I definitely – it made my stomach less lonely, if that means anything to you. And it did to me at the time. Like, those Hobbit coffees are – it's great. Like, you know, I just wanted to see how many I could drink.

Is that why you're so obsessed with subreddits? Yeah. Guys, I'm having a lot of fun today. Jordan is bright red. This is the funny. From fun. I'm filled with fun. I'm concerned, Jordan, that you're going to replace me with hysteria.

I mean, that's kind of Brian's call, though. Right. I understand. I understand. Look, I got the $500, and I gave up the right to make the decision. Sure. Wow, is that it? You got bought out for $500?

I can get $500? Brian told me that's twice what Legendary paid for Nerdist. That's what Brian told me anyway. Brian said that to me, but I don't know. I trusted him at the time. We still do have to do a lot of commercials for 300 Rides of an Empire. I figured our friend Chris Hardwick's High on the Hog lifestyle was just from leftover

shipmates money no got more than 500 bucks for Nerdist probably I think he probably got sold a bill of goods I hear that he wait hold on no I sold a bill of goods I included a bill of goods

with and I redeemed the bill of goods. Brian got a ham. He got 14 head of sheep. Were you playing Settlers of Catan at the time? I'm trying to think of what else was on that bill of goods. Stock of wheat? Yeah, some gum arabic.

So he got a really solid. Black Friday of wheat? Yeah, some gum arabic. So he really got a really solid- Black Friday, huh? Yeah. I should not have sold this on Black Friday. I thought I had to give a mega deal. I assumed that if you're going to sell something on Black Friday, you got to give a mega deal. Yeah. You treated this show like a PlayStation Vita bundle.

I'm not even getting paid to be here. I'm not even getting paid to be here. I'm not even getting paid to be here. Hmm. Do you remember why I came? I think you slept here. I mean, you were just here when we came in. I had a Cyber Monday Groupon voucher to come on this show. Oh.

And it was nice of you guys to honor it even though you don't work here anymore. Brian, I guess, is running the Groupons now. He's nodding. Apparently you can get the show or whale watching. I didn't know that. Yeah, sorry, man. And I'm furious now. Well, if it makes you feel any better,

we usually do momentous occasions on board a catamaran. Not in this. Not this week. Not in this week. Yeah, the catamaran is beached. Not this week, catamarans, yeah. Not in the studio where when I stepped inside it, half of the soundproofing fell off. Let's go to momentous occasions shall we when something momentous happens

to you our listener we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN 206-984-4FUN or email us at jjgoe

at maximumfun.org hey if you want to email us your reddit you know what I mean yeah you got a reddit

or you got a somethingawful.com you can email us those too. Take an Instagram of yourself emailing a tweet about a Reddit to at maximum fun. Yeah. Where's your Pokemon drawing? Subreddit it.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Do you think that this week we could light up the maximum fun subredditdit with Maximum Fun-related Pokemon shit. I hope so. If we can't, we should probably get out of the game. What are the things? Number one, which Pokemon is which person from MaxFun? But what if it turns out that everyone is Bulbasaur?

It's like all three Griffith brothers. That's pretty good. Yeah. I'm not arguing. It's like all three Griffith brothers. That's pretty good. Yeah. I'm not arguing. It's pretty good. I mean, he's a plant type. Yeah. I'm sorry.

I interrupted. Please continue. You were going to say something. No, I just was giving some examples. I just think it would be fun if people went to the subreddit for Maximum Fun and posted some cool Pokemon Max Fun stuff. I would like that. You know, probably Griffin from Mabim Bam. He probably knows a lot about Pokemons.

Yeah. He's from the Pokemon generation. Yeah. He's like three years younger than us or whatever. Yeah, he's a 27-year-old. Sure. Yeah. Okay.

Let's take a fucking phone call. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. This is Will from London, Ontario, Canada. And I just wanted to tell you guys my moment of vacation. My son was born today. It's super exciting. The best part is that he is going to be the 10th William D. Kingsley. So, yeah, it's 10 of us.

I feel pretty good about having Nick at the end of his name. All right, thanks a lot. See you guys later. Do you think that he means the 10th in his family line of succession or just he just typed his name into Facebook? There were eight other ones. Yeah. Williamfinchley.10. Yeah.

That's his username. I think that's what it is. That's his Yahoo email address. Yeah. It's just the 10th to register on Hotmail. The other nine owned by Marissa Meyer, the Queen Bee CEO. Yeah. How dare she do whatever it is Huffington Post is complaining about or celebrating this week.

Yeah. I'm not going to lean into that. Is that the one? That's it. That's the one. That's the one. Thank you. You did it.

Zeitgeist. Ten, huh? Did you ever, did you think about naming either of the sons Jesse Thorne Jr.? Yeah, there was some discussion of Jesse Thorne Jr. Because I thought it would be really fun to name him Jesse Thorne Jr. and call him JJ. Sure. Is the main reason. I was a little uncomfortable.

Jesse Thorne Jr. and call him JJ is the main reason. I was a little uncomfortable. The reason we didn't ultimately was both my wife and I were uncomfortable with naming him after me and the whole legacy thing and this sort of ego part. You mean because

there would be the expectations that his podcast would be amazing, would be too high to look up to. His whole life would just be chasing a dream that... Like Frank Giotto Jr. Or Lennon's son. Think of how badly he would have to offend

Chris Onstad, the creator of Akewood. You know what I mean? To have any kind of recognition at all. Yeah, exactly. Just to get halfway to my level of internet infamy. The thing is, I really like the idea of a kid running around the house that I could call Junior.

Yeah. And I thought actually briefly, pitched it to my wife. Of just that being his first name. Just naming him Junior like former professional Major League Baseball outfielder Junior Felix. Or Donkey Kong Junior. Yeah, or Donkey Kong Junior. Well, I think Donkey Kong Junior's surname is Junior. That's right.

His name isn't Junior Donkey Kong Junior? Yeah, his middle name is Donkey Kong. Cool. So he's Junior Junior. Just like Mario Mario. There you go. Those Nintendo names are all right. Yeah, there's a Nintendo naming convention. Cool. So he's Junior Junior. Just like Mario Mario. There you go. Those Nintendo. Yeah, there's a Nintendo

naming convention. Yeah. But we ultimately decided against it because we didn't want to. We didn't want that kind of pressure on the kid. Sure.

Let him be his own man. I'm a fucking rich, powerful man. Sure. I'm the Donald Trump of podcasting. Handsome. Charismatic.

Beautiful speaking voice. Not nuts about Obama cannot stand no Obama is what I say wow where is the birth certificate I haven't seen it

yeah and you know what I you know it's the only thing I dislike more than Obama Obama's uncle oh my god sure

yeah Billy Clinton Obama's uncle. Oh, my God. Sure. Yeah. Billy Clinton. I think I got that right. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I wonder if this is this guy who has this 10th kid, Kid X, let's just call him. Sure.

Sounds like a science experiment. And his friend Kid Zero. Do you think he could wear a Malcolm X snapback? And people would be like, that's weird. You're white. I'm assuming that this kid's white, but we heard the guy talk. Canadian, yeah. And he's listening to the show.

I'm just imagining your son going like, I didn't fall on podcasting. Podcasting fell on me. So, I mean, let's say this podcast is Bob Dylan. I mean, if he's lucky, his podcast can be The Wallflowers. Yeah, that's a really good point. And we all love The Wallflowers. I mean, they're still

our favorite band to this day. Let's go around in a circle and name all our favorite Wallflower songs. I'll start. One Headlight. The Bridge Is Over. Tomorrow Never Rains. One Headlight Live. Fight the Power.

Too Much Junk in the Trunk. Two Headlights. Posse on Broadway. Penis Song. Posse on Broadway. Penis Song. That was the one that we're finally bobbed in. It was like, son, you did good.

Huge fan of Penis Song. Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and the very, very beautiful guest. This is Nick from Tacoma, Washington with a momentous occasion. Earlier, I saw in my neighborhood a woman walking her dog and pushing a baby stroller. When they got close to me, I realized it was in the baby stroller and it was not a baby. It was a fully grown possum. It was live. It looked at me and yawned.

Only in Tacoma will you find someone with a pet fucking possum. Wait a minute. Hold on. I just turned against this call. I was with him when he was telling me about a possum in a baby carriage. Only in Tacoma and Twin Peaks. What is Tacoma? Possum country?

Yeah, that's one of those things where I think the residents of Tacoma maybe think Tacoma is a little more infamous than it is. I have no opinions about Tacoma. Well, have you guys seen those Keep Tacoma Weird bumper stickers? I'm aware that Ithaca is gorgeous. Sure. That's the extent. Who was the original keep blank weird?

Is it Austin? I think it's Austin. Must have been Austin. Yeah. I know when we went to UC Santa Cruz there was a keep Santa Cruz weird.

Yeah. Campaign. Keep Portland weird. You don't need that campaign. It's like Santa Cruz will be weird. Yeah. It's like you're wasting

your advertising money weird. Yeah. It's like you're wasting your advertising money there. Yeah. What is it about Tacoma that encourages women to push possums around in strollers as if they were babies? It's only got a possum problem. It's like Nutria in Louisiana and Florida. So she was just maybe bringing it to the possum disposal. Yeah. Yeah.

She was just collecting her bounty. Yeah. I like that she fooled the possum into thinking, like, you're part of the family now. Get in this baby carriage. Well, they're a real son of a bitch, you know, if you don't train them. Yeah. Oh, possums are creepy. We had chickens.

Because they will not stick around in that baby carriage unless you spend a few years with them at home. Or you're just constantly scaring them so they're playing dead. Right. So if they seem like they're coming around, just yell something at them. I was just going to say we had chickens in my backyard when I was growing up on Long Island. Like a chicken coop because my dad was a farmer in Greece. And we had a... What kind of farmer?

Yogurt farmer? He actually farmed the Dance of Joy, I believe. Yeah, exactly. It was Greece's greatest export. Sure. With Bronson Pinchot. He grew organic Bronson Pinchot. Oh.

That's what he grew. And we had a possum trap. We trapped a possum because possums were getting into our chickens. And at night, their eyes glow like demons. Possums are the creepiest things in the world. Yeah. They are the creepiest animals. Yeah.

And they'll kill and eat a chicken, huh? Yeah. Well, one time it was like, my dad was like, kids, we have practically no chickens left. Like they got almost it was like Battlestar Galactica happened to my chickens. Like there was a chicken. There was a chicken holocaust. Most of our chickens were wiped out. We had like two left.

out we had like two left do you think do you think we where was a post on our forum this week about a woman who had crows what was she doing she was feeding a flock of eagles dead possums so they'd attack her crows hell i don That's about right. There was a crow defense. It involves feeding something possums. About how a crow, I guess, can keep out. It's just for your benefit. Oh, I know. You don't. I know you don't like crows. Okay.

He read that on slash Jesse slash crows slash internet embarrassment. I went to the news group for it. Someone was saying that crows can be helpful to an ecosystem. I guess there's a more destructive bird than the crow and they keep it away. The super crow? Yes. Okay. Got it.

So when five crows merge together, Mecha crow. Yeah, sure. Right. A super crow. What is happening on this week's program? What is this show that we're making? Yeah. I don't know. I think it's sort of magical.

Yeah. It has a quality to it. There's an alchemical element. You know, to a certain extent, we're turning lead into gold. Are you saying that about me being here? Yeah, I'm saying you're lead. You're some sort of metallurgical element. Yay! Let's take another call.

Hello, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Chuck calling from Chicago. I'm walking to the hospital where they're going to do an ultrasound on my groinal area because I have a hernia and I'm not in a good mood. the hospital where they're going to do an ultrasound on my groinal area, groinal area, because I have a hernia and I'm not in a good mood. My nut hurts. But on the way there,

my wife is driving me and I see on the side of the road, getting into a white van by Louis Guzman. I said, that can't be Louis Guzman. Are they shooting a movie? They were shooting a movie, and it was Louis Guzman. For some reason, I think that's a good sign. All right, thank you very much, and more power plugging in. In fact, that is this year's catchphrase. Bye. Guys, you're not.

You're close. I have some bad news. Yeah? Guys, you're not. You're close. I have some bad news. Guys, as you know, I'm a myth scholar. Yeah, I did know that. I think everybody knows that. I'm just saying. Maybe this is someone. Well, I think a lot of people know you by your pen name, Dallaire.

Sure. And, I mean, a lot of ancient cultures, Aztec, Babylonian. Olmec. Olmec, sure. Tarmac. I mean, all of them, really. They considered Luis Guzman an omen of impotency. Really?

Yeah. So I don't think this bodes well for our friend. So you think by the time his hernia has been corrected, he'll have had what the ancient cultures called the Guzman effect. Sure. Which is a softening of the penis. I'm afraid so. I mean, they say that, you know, once every hundred years, I mean, depending on, you know,

different cultures have different calendars, I'm estimating here. But I would say the Taino Indians of Puerto Rico. Yeah. You know, they say that once every hundred years he emerges from the mist. The first nations of Canada. Yeah. All these dudes. He emerges from the mist. And ladies. of Canada. Yeah. All these dudes. He emerges from the mist.

And ladies. And trans people. Thank you for not offending the people that are waiting for Luis Guzman to come out of the mist. Yeah. Thank you. He will emerge from the mist and render one penis useless. A single penis? Yeah.

I mean, in this case, the mist could be a van. and render one penis useless. A single penis? Yeah. I mean, in this case, the mist could be a van. So I'm saying that I think this guy probably just had it coming, you know? You don't think maybe he rendered Steve Zahn impotent on the set of Out of Sight? Or was it the limey? Which Or was it The Limey? Which one is it? The Limey? I think you're talking about Saving Silverman, right?

Saving Silverman. I'm sorry. Yeah, you're talking about that. Everyone's favorite Steve Sond movie. Yep. Saving Silverman is one of those movies where people go, no, no, it's pretty good. I say that all the time. That's my Twitter bio. No, no, Saving Silverman is pretty good. Guys, give Saving Silverman a chance. I like Saving Silverman. I say that all the time. That's my Twitter bio. No, no. Saving Silver is pretty good.

Guys, give Saving Silver a bit of chance. I like Saving Silverman. I do. I'm just saying that because you've been spending so much time on Reddit slash R slash Saving Silverman. No, no. It's pretty good. I do. I'm the only member of it.

I upvote a lot of my own stuff, though. I'm getting a lot of great upvotes from me. You also started that thread about how people should really appreciate the movie Orange County. That was ironic. Yeah. That's a bridge too far. It's a good early Jack

Black performance. Yeah. Let's go to a break. We'll drop a play. We'll execute in the closing seconds. Drop a tray for the W. That's a great idea. Ready? Ready. Break. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you and start to sweat, and it worries me. Do you think it's the smog latte?

Hobbit coffee. The smog-a-chino I've been drinking? Yeah, I think it's that. I think it's... Do you think this is a Greek thing? Does it happen when you're having one of your signature wild weddings or when you're marrying Tom Hanks? Every time I sweat, I break a plate and I'm in horrible debt. I sweat constantly. I even go to Ikea where the plates are like eight cents.

Mysterious, I saw you and Justine's engagement photos, but I didn't know you guys actually tied the knot. Well, we're not telling people. Oh. So it's good that I'm saying it on this podcast. We don't want to tell my family. Okay family because we want them to give us big presents like chickens, goats, anti-crow devices. Those sonic devices that emit an anti-crow waveform. Yeah, no. What is it?

Yeah, because it's like I want it to be special for grandma, my aunts, my uncles. I want them to give us lots of presents. So you guys are going to have a more proper, Greek-y. This summer we're going to have a very Greek-y. It's like a very Brady, a very Greek-y wedding. We're going to have a wedding on all islands. We're finally going to have a big, fat. Corpulent.

Yep, Carrie Washington at our wedding. Yes. She's the maid of honor. Yeah, we're going. Carrie Washington at our wedding. Yes. Yes. She's the maid of honor. Yeah. We're going to have a nice big wedding. You know, it's going to be on Long Island. If you guys want to come, please.

It's going to be great this summer. Yeah. We're going to have a good time. I've always wanted to visit Long Island. Yeah. It's always been my dream. Beautiful country. It's really lovely.

Good for chickens? Not my chickens. They all got killed by that lovely. Good for chickens? Not my chickens. They all got killed by that possum. Good for some chickens. Long Island's probably beautiful country. Is Long Island beautiful country? I've never been to Long Island. Parts of Long Island are super duper gorgeous, but then the Hamptons are on Long Island,

which is the worst, gross people, BMW's awful shit. And then the middle of Long Island is, like, just one big, like, gated community. Like, if you guys ever heard of, like, Levittown, where, like, white flight started. Levittown is a town called Levittown on Long Island. It was like people were fleeing New York City to go to Long Island. Yeah. I'll tell you where I've been. New Jersey. Yeah. New Jersey's you where I've been. New Jersey.

Yeah. New Jersey's a beautiful country. I enjoy New Jersey. The parts of New Jersey that I've been to anyway. Fucking gorgeous. They have fucking apple orchards and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I feel like New Jersey is, I mean, I feel like just a go-to joke that people will

make, like, oh, gross. Looks like New Jersey. Like, they'll just say something about New Jersey being gross. I think a lot of it's lovely. Yeah. New Jersey's very, very beautiful. Very beautiful. Well, we've had a lot of say something about New Jersey being gross. I think a lot of it's lovely. Yeah, New Jersey is very, very beautiful. Very beautiful. Well, we've had a lot of fun talking about New Jersey.

I want to talk briefly about MaxFunCon, please. We mentioned this on the program a week ago, two weeks ago. Tickets had just gone on sale. Tickets are now 80% sold. Wow. So we only have- So what you're saying is people should act fast. Look, we have often, two times I think before, we have sold out before the first of the year.

So I would recommend if you want to come to MaxFunCon that you not hesitate. Pull the trigger. Pull the trigger. Shoot from the hip, just like we do on this show. just like we do on this show. Max FunCon is our annual getaway in the hills of the mountains of Southern California with big comedy shows and classes. And Jordan's going to be teaching a class. We're going to have some of our favorite podcasters there.

Our friends from Stop Podcasting Yourself are going to be there. And our friends from Throwing Shade are going to be there. We'll have big comedy show names, big lecture names. It's going to be there, and our friends from Throwing Shade are going to be there. We'll have big comedy show names, big lecture names. It's going to be really cool. So if you want to see more information, you can see the cool video that Ben Harrison, our director, made about MaxFunCon, go to MaxFunCon.com. That's all I'm going to say about it. I'll say this.

Yeah? If you're waiting for your Christmas money to get here to buy your MaxFunCon ticket, they might be sold out by then. Put it on a credit card. Right. Assume Grandma will come through. She'll come. Of course she'll come through.

Yeah. She's Grandma. She's got her wits about her. She's not completely senile. When you say she's got her wits about her, it makes it sound like she does not have her wits about her. That's not something you say. This guy's perfectly mentally competent.

What a great guy. That guy's not crazy at all. That's not something you say. This guy's perfectly mentally competent. What a great guy. That guy's not crazy at all. What an odd thing to say. Asterios, we mentioned that you don't have a podcast. You are, however, while you are not living in 2007 like we are, you are living in 1994 as the editor of a zine.

You have defeated us. Yep. Until one of us starts wearing- We fax it to you. That's how you get it. It is called The Devastator. Tell me about it briefly. The Devastator, it's a 56-

It's more than a zine, actually. It's a 56-page, full full-color bound comics and comedy magazine. It comes out a few times a year. We go to a lot of the big cons. Like we're always at Comic-Con. We're always at – we're going to be at Riot this year, Riot LA, WonderCon. And it's just a really funny book. We've had writers and artists from The Daily Show, Adult Swim, Marvel and DC Comics.

We just have a lot of really good talent and we work really hard on it. We make no money, of course, but it's a really funny book. I will attest to The Devastator being a very, very funny book. I've read every issue. I think they're hilarious. I always look forward to it coming out. Thank you. Think you can get it to – maybe get it to your local comic book store?

Yeah. We are in – I think we're in almost every state and we're in a couple of different countries. If it's not at your local comic book store, it's at your local like independent bookstore. And you can go to DevastatorQuarterly.com to buy issues online. We sell like digital issues. Like for three bucks, you can get like 56 pages of like an e-book. It's a good deal. You know?

I think your listeners would like it. I think our listeners would like The Devastator as well. Sounds like they should go to DevastatorQuarterly.com. Sounds like a great holiday gift too. It's a wonderful holiday gift. It makes a perfect stocking stuff. Thank you. Stuff it right in there. gift. It makes a perfect stocking stuff. Thank you. Yeah.

Stuff it right in there. Put it there. Up your stocking. Do not stuff a turkey with it. No. It's not good for all stuffing. You know what I mean? Stockings, yes.

Turkeys, no. French toast, no. That's actually written on the magazine. Stockings, yes. French toast and turkeys, no. You could stuff a basketball shot with it. Yeah. You had it in your hand.

You were just walking. Somebody's going up. Yeah, like somebody's going up for a shot and you're walking through the court. You know the kind of thing I'm talking about? Yeah. And then you just jump up, stuff them, and keep walking. Like you're talking on your phone with one hand. Your other hand has the Devastator in it.

You jump up, stuff them with the Devastator and just keep walking like you don't give a fuck. Alternately, after doing that, you could say how you like me now. That's something you could say. Or you could point out

that they don't have game. They're all good options. Or you just take your pants down, show your dick to the world. And on your dick, you've written you're bad at basketball in a sharpie

oh man you planned this this wasn't improvised I thought this was a true happening you thought it was a happening? remember a happening? like a 1960s style yeah that's what I'm referencing like a love in? like a freak out?

yeah absolutely Like a 1960s style. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm referencing. Like a love-in? Like a freak-out? Yeah. Absolutely. Sure. I haven't been doing a good freak-out in a long time. Yeah. I don't freak-out as much as I'd like to. Me either. Who has the time?

Since I had kids, I'm sure since you got married to Sirius, all you ever do is go to garden parties. Yeah. All I ever do is change deities. All Jordan ever does is play the latest Xbox games. Have you downloaded the indie game Freakout yet? No, I haven't.

I didn't know there was an indie game called Freakout. You don't even have time? I'm making a joke. I don't have time! I got all these Xbox games to play. I got the Freakout pack for shit, what's that video game I like? Is that Screed?

No. I don't know. Gears of War? Skyrim? Skyrim, yeah. That's that game I like. Oh, the Freakout DLC for Skyrim. You make all those characters who are like, whoa, Nixon down with Nixon.

Yeah, exactly. There's a whole new race called Freaks. Freaks and Burnouts. Burnouts. They're called Burnouts. Burnouts. They're called Burnouts. Waste-oids. Dropouts. Jesus Christ.

This DLC takes place in Palm Springs. Isn't the DLC called Steal This DLC? Our producer is Sonny D. Brian Fernandez edits the program. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. I want to extend my apologies to everyone out there for this week's program. Just don't play it for someone who's never heard Jordan and Jessica before. That's the main thing.

I think you probably enjoyed it if you've heard our show before. Yeah. Why wouldn't you have. Wait. Fun. Are you guys. Do you not want to put out like super inaccessible walls

of obscure jokes because that I thought that's what you wanted today. I sent him an email in advance and I said like just I mean really just doing this pile pile bit on bit. Right.

Yeah. Well, I mean, what's done is done. I'm not going to go back and record new segments or edit this or anything. No. I don't have time for that. I would say that use this. I've got DLC to download. Sure.

I would say create a just, if for some reason you think that a casual listener will be baffled by this episode, maybe create a flowchart. Like how there's a handy flowchart for how the Stephen King universe intersects. That would help this episode I think. And if you want to keep track of some of the legends of track and field, create a flowchart. She is dead, Jesse. Oh, my God. The late... Oh, my God.

I can't believe. The late Flojo. I can't believe you would go there. The late Florence Griffith Joyner. Sure. She's a cool lady. Oh, I grew up next to Flojo Park. You don't have to tell me.

Okay, look. You're right. Flojo's dead. Just watch Carl Lewis's music video. Done. End of the day. Go're right. Flojo's dead. Just watch Carl Lewis's music video. Done. End of the day. Go to sleep. Wake up in the morning. Download some downloadable content. Sure.

Get yourself a nice hobbit drink. Yep. Get yourself a hobbit coffee. Serious question. What does that even have to do with hobbits? That's what I don't understand. It's called Bowman's Brew. But what? There's some guy named Bowman.

I've never seen these movies. I just like this food. I don't know who any of these guys. There's this thing called like Radagast. I don't know who Radagast is. And apparently, according to Nick Weiger, he's brown. And you know what? Pancake puppies are already brown. So they

could have just been called rat-a-gass pancake puppies. We should have Nick Weiger on the show sometime. Yeah, delete this episode. Let's get Nick Weiger in here. I'm looking forward to no one hearing this episode, Jordan and Jesse go. I kind of want to go to Denny's and get the Hobbit food. Let's ask

Laurel. Jordan, will you do a Reddit MA? I'm worried that if I do something like that, nobody will show up and I'll feel bad about it. go to Denny's and get the Hobbit food. Let's ask Laurel. Jordan, will you do a Reddit AMA? I'm worried that if I do something like that, nobody will show up and I'll feel bad about it. Do a Jordan Jesse Go Reddit AMA. If there's demand. If there's demand, I'll do it. How about the two of us do a Jordan Jesse Go one? Maybe.

If there's demand. I want to see some outcry for it. I'm not just going to get on there and, you know. So here's what we want the internet to do. Sure. We want them to tweet at Scandal. Oh, first get me back on Scandal. At Scandal Writers, at ABC Scandal.

Because I get royalties for that. Get him back on Scandal. We want them to add him to the Scandal wiki. Right? Yep, we want to. The Pokemon stuff. We want you to put, yes, Pokemon- related Maximum Fun characters like Judge John Snorlax on...

That's exactly what we want! Snorlax! Why don't you do that? I'll do that later. I'll do that for my Samsung Galaxy S3 later today. Will you use the stylus? Exactly. I'll use the built-in stylus. Sorry, iPad. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.