Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 304: Jerry Jack Off with Kumail Nanjiani and Emily Gordon

Episode Date: December 16, 2013

Kumail Nanjiani and Emily Gordon, hosts of the Indoor Kids, join Jordan and Jesse to for a discussion of children's books, Bud Light Cranberita, and the magic of cutting a doughnut in half.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Feeling very festive, Jordan. You're not feeling very festive? I am feeling very festive. My wife put a holiday Pandora on her telephone. And shaved some cinnamon on your penis before you had sex.

Allspice, but yes. Okay. Ground some allspice. You guys are mixing it up this year. Yeah, I feel wonderful. I feel the spirit of Christmas inside of me. My wife bought me some high-end nog. Oh, some artisanal, some small batch nog.

The kind that comes in the heavy glass bottle. She got it from our green grocery delivery service. Okay. Do you have a green grocer? I don't. Can I recommend it? Sure. Also an ice man.

And living in the 20s. Just be careful because when he comes. Yeah. You know, I did find myself needing a giant block of ice the other day because I got specifically a 1920s toothache. And I had the gauze to tie it to my head. Giant kerchief. Let's introduce our guests on the program. You know them as the hosts of the Indoor Kids podcast on the Nerdist Network,

a smash hit podcast about video games and related topics. You know Kumail as a stand-up comedian and actor. You know Emily as an empresaria. Yeah, that's true. Of course, a beloved comic voice. How about that? Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, sure. Kamal, Emily, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. What's up, N-Words? Oh, hello. Wow, really? Just right out the gate. What? I didn't say it. But, but, but. And yet you said it. I would say there are contexts where it's not appropriate to say the N-word. And when I say it's not appropriate to say the N-word, it's not appropriate to say the phrase the N-word,

which are times when you're not even alluding to a time when someone said the N-word. And when I say the N-word there – You're just using it. I'm talking about the N-word. Guys, I actually kind of wanted to talk about canceled Showtime shows later. So can I talk about the L-word? All right. Perfect.

And isn't there, what's the cancer one? The C-word? The C-word. Yeah. So there's two, the L-word and the C-word. So basically what we want to talk about, we want to talk about premium cable dramas that have maybe been canceled. I meant to say, what's up, L words.

I'm sorry. What up, lesbians? Don't trust the B in Kamau's podcasting. Can I tell you guys one thing about Showtime shows and naming Showtime shows? There's a show on Showtime called Masters of Sex. That's right. It's named after the book upon which it is based,

which was called Masters of Sex, and it refers to Masters and Johnson, the two lead characters of the program, and the two legendary sex researchers. Wouldn't it be a better show if it was called Sex Masters? Sex Masters. I mean, it's a little wordier, but I think what would really sell me on that show is because, I mean, I like the show more. I haven't watched it yet, but I like it more the more I hear about it. Yeah. I think the title of the show should just be Lizzie Kaplan is naked in this.

Yeah. Lizzie Kaplan has sex in this. Is she? Yeah. She has sex in it. Also, Michael Sheen is there, too. Almost every episode, she's naked. But would you call it-

It's amazing. Michael Sheen wears bow ties, and she is naked. Sex Masters sounds like a porn exactly well it's not it's I mean it's a

there's sex there's fucking in every episode okay in every fucking episode and it's not Universe Masters it's Masters of the Universe

right oh is this a show a parody of He-Man yeah it's a porno parody of he-man sex masters i do like johnsons why not use johnsons wouldn't that be also like check out these johnsons yeah meet the johnsons uh it's a yeah it's a weird and maybe they should have thought of it when

they named the book really the problem stems from long long ago yeah i think books are usually the problem i find always if there's a problem with something it can be traced back to a book to me sex masters implies more of like some sort of uh bonding like uh bondage relationship you know what i mean like master you think you're not bonding you think you're not bonding during those because you are yeah you are if you're in a bondage relationship you really are i'd like to see a bondage bromance. Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, just, you know, maybe let's get a brunette. Yeah, I suck you, man.

Jonah Hill. Hey, man, I don't usually wear high heels, but if you need me to step on your balls with them to get you off, I'll do it. Yeah, here, put this gag on. You're a dog for a while. Isn't that a thing? That'd, put this gag on. You're a dog for a while. Isn't that a thing? That'd be a great name for you're a dog for a while. Did you guys have

an enjoyable weekend? Let me ask you that question. I did. I bought 47 sets of suspenders. Which is the right number of Ronin also. Yeah, I was going to say. Coming soon.

You're preparing for the movie. One for each. One for each Ronin. That's a very specific number. Why 47? These Ronin have been showing up at my house. And their preparing for the movie. One for each. One for each Ronan. That's a very specific number. Why 47? These Ronan have been showing up at my house. And their pants just fall down. Every time.

Extended. They can't focus on their fighting because their pants keep falling down. Yeah. I went to the thrift store. So I got half a day off yesterday from my family obligations because my in-laws are in town to take care of one of my children. My wife was taking care of the other child. I feel like you just rotate in-laws every weekend. I feel like I've never...

We're doing our best. Yeah. We're working really hard. Oh, okay. Okay, right. I get it. I only have two... I mean, I only have, you know,

the two parent in-laws, but my parents are in town sometimes, too. But my in-laws have been around a lot since we had our second child, and God bless them for it. So I got four hours off. Most of that time I spent buying stocking stuffers. Knick-knacks and small things. Oh, yeah.

I went to the Muji. Oh, the Muji. What's Muji? What kind of stocking stuffers is it? Oh, Mu. I went to the Muji. What kind of? Oh, the Muji. What's Muji? What kind of stocking stuff is it? Oh, Muji's a great store. Muji's this Japanese store that sells basically everything in the world. Stuff shaped like cupcakes. That you don't need.

All kinds of stuff shaped like cupcakes. Nothing you need but stuff that. But it's not the cute thing that you're imagining. Okay. It's like a hyper minimalist thing. Okay. Okay. I'm imagining the cute thing. Okay. It's like a hyper minimalist thing okay okay i'm imagining the cute thing okay it's like a cube of tiny golf pencils yes maybe or like a perfect pen that costs 5.95 okay uh or

one of their signature products is a like a like a black t-shirt that comes in a little cube that's like three inches emergency t-shirts. Yeah. Yeah, like it's, yeah, precisely, like for an earthquake or whatever. You never know. Yeah, that's a big problem with earthquakes.

The t-shirts are packed in brine. Do you need water to get the t-shirt to be bigger? To get the t-shirt to like expand? To get it out of its capsule,

yeah. You actually do need the water? Because then if you're on an earthquake or in another, water's already scarce. Are you really going to waste it on a shirt?

Wait, is it really? It's a nice shirt. It's very flattering. Okay, well then, yes. You can dress it up or dress it down. You don't have to put it in water, right? No, you don't have to put it in water. It's just a plastic cube?

But it's in a tiny cube. It's in the form of a tiny cube. I'll get you one, honey. How much is this t-shirt? I don't remember. All clothing was half off. Oh, shit. We need to go.

Yeah. There was some excellent bargains. Is it a good t-shirt? Does it fit? Well, how does it feel? These are very, very well styled. Okay. These items are very well styled.

Do not get me wrong. These items are very well styled. Because it's really the only, you only have the cube the one time. You're not going to get it back in the cube shape. So it needs to be a good shirt. It needs to be a good shirt. They're famous for their stationary products. I would say probably one of their finest products.

If you guys ever need a business card holder, they sell a little aluminum business card holder. Beautiful, brushed aluminum, and it costs like $5. Okay. That's a recommendation from me to you. But anyway, I hit the Muji, went to Pier 1 Imports, where everything costs $5.95. Every single thing. No matter what it is. It's amazing.

The furniture costs $5.95. A candy bar costs $5.95. All of it made of wicker. Yes. Even the candy. Everything made of wicker. And all the candy is from, none of it is like American candy, which I like. They have a lot of really interesting candy there.

Go to Pier 1 for the candy, really. Pier 1, if you have $100. Yeah. Pier 1 has one of the number one most frequent thoughtless gifts that I've been given. Oh, sure. Is the cube of beers from around the world. Wait, what is this? It's something that, it's just called beers from around the world.

And it's these 12 beers in the thing. And I think it's just something you get for, you know, someone you work with. Yeah. Just random beer. Yeah. I'll tell you what. My father-in-law got that one year. And it was, like, the greatest present he's ever gotten. Oh, yeah? He still is. I mean, I'm not. Just random beer. Yeah. I'll tell you what, my father-in-law got that one year, and it was like the greatest present he's ever gotten.

Oh, yeah? I mean, I'm not, I don't mean to, I am not shitting on the beers from around. I mean, as far as thoughtless gifts go, it's great. I mean, it beats a Starbucks card. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hands down. About the head and shoulders.

But it's funny, the representative of Mexico is just a Corona. Is it right? Yeah. So, I mean, usually there's just like pretty good, good, cool beers, but then it's like, eh, we'll just throw in a Corona. I feel like that. It's a grab bag. It's random.

No, I think it's pretty prescribed. Yeah, I think it's the same. Yeah. The same beers for every pack. Are you imagining that there's just like at the factory where they put these things together, there's just big vats of bottles of beer representing each nation of the world. And just whatever comes out of the chute is what comes out of the chute. That is exactly what I was picturing.

I was actually picturing a guy. There's a big mixer. Clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank. I was picturing a guy specifically going, I don't know, what do you want to do for this one? For each one, he's like, let's go for this one. Let's go for the Tecate and the E-G-Bot. So you imagine these as put together by hand. Oh, lovingly.

Lovingly. Adoringly? Adoringly. At the three Pier 1 stores that exist in the country. Sure. They don't have a lot of, they can just focus really on the craft. Pier 1's a real fucking nightmare store. So I went to Pier 1.

I got so upset. I decided to go to the thrift store, which was a much bigger success. Why did you get upset at Pier 1? Because everything costs so too much money. It costs twice what it should cost. It's that my mom and I go, and we go, do they still have the coffee samples in the back? Is that a thing they do? Or is that World Market?

Oh, I don't know. That might be Cost Plus World Market. Are you thinking of World Market? I'm thinking of World Market. You're thinking of World Market. My mom and I will go just for the coffee samples. And the candy is also World Market. Oh, that's what I went to. Cost Plus World Market is what I went And the candy is also World Market. Oh, that's what I went to.

Cost Plus World Market is what I went to. Yeah. That is what you went? That's what I went to. Not World Market. Not Pier 1. That's crazy that he was talking about a thing and you thought it was the other thing, but turns out it was the other thing.

We were talking about the same thing. That's the connection Jesse and I have. So, I got sick of that bullshit. I mean, I bought a few things. Look. Not made of wood. You could maybe get some hard to find gummies there. Yeah.

Some Haribo's. I got some Haribo's. Oh, really? I did buy some Haribo's while I was there. Kids and grownups love it so and I'm no exception. No.

There's, by the way, a dollar store, I believe on Melrose, that is selling gummies from Phantom Menace. Just so you know. That's how old they are. I mean, these are new, right?

They're just like, oh, let's go back to the worst thing we ever did. So I did buy a wooden train whistle for my son's stocking. It was nice.

That's classic. He might like that. That's a classic child gift. It cost too much money, I thought. Sure. It was like $7. I was like,

that is a lot. It should be $3. $3. But I needed $7. I was like, that is a lot. Should be $3. $3. But I needed some things. I was worried that I wouldn't find anything for kids at Muji. You know what I'm talking about? And I didn't want to give him a bunch of candies. He's two years old.

You know what I mean? Well, if you want to get him the business card holder, you should just get him some business cards that say, like, Simon Thorne, child. Child. Good point. Just a kid. Block player wither. I went to the thrift store nearby and

I did. I scored big time. I got some. Has all motor skills. There was a box of abandoned starting lineup figures. Oh wow. Oh yeah. Was it like Kobe and stuff like that? Yes. It's like a collectible quote unquote toy sports action figure.

McFarlane, right? It was purchased by McFarlane, I think, after that became a thing. But these were probably pre-McFarlane. We're looking at like 1992s. Wow. Oh, nice. That is a big gift. And there was a few.

So I pulled out, I think I got Ozzie Smith, Bo Jackson, Cal Ripken Jr. I was going to get him. It was all baseball ones. I was going to get him a Giants pitcher, John Burkett, because I wanted to get him a Giants guy. So he'd be like, oh, this is the Giants. This is the best team. But John Burkett was missing an arm. And I couldn't find his arm.

I looked through. There was a number of arms at the bottom of the box. But someone had just reattached a Spider-Man arm. Yeah. Did some action figure surgery on him. Also, that's a great new story for Jack Burkett. Like, oh, what a great baseball player, despite. Yeah.

Despite the missing arm. Is your son into baseball? No, but I think I can trick him. You're pushing him. You're pushing him. I think I can work on it and teach him how to do it. And I got him a little baseball glove there. Oh.

They had a little tiny baseball glove. So cute. Derek Jeter model, but I'm going to let it slide because my son can't read. Mark it out with a Sharpie if you can. We don't like Derek Jeter. No, because he plays for the Yankees. And he did all the steroids. No, that's Alex Rodriguez.

That's correct. Derek Jeter is just overrated. He was dating Mariah Carey for a while. Was that Alex Rodriguez or Derek Jeter? I think that was Alex Rodriguez again. Oh, you're thinking of Nick Cannon. Okay. I'm sorry.

He usually is. Who has a comment special out. So I'm at the thrift store. His second one. I love Derek Jeter's Yo Mama jokes, though. Yeah. I mean, he was in Bandline or whatever that movie is. Drumline.

Drumline. Yeah. He was great. And you know that movie is. Drumline. Drumline. Yeah. He was great. And you know, that movie's pretty good. Drumline? I'm sure it's amazing. I noticed as I was about to check out that there was a rack of just suspenders. You know one of those rotating necktie racks?

Uh-huh. Just suspenders. Just suspenders. So I'm thinking, look, I was wearing suspenders at the time, number one. I'm like, this is gold. This is a treasure trove for me. So I go over. I pick out.

There's probably 30, 40 pairs of suspenders there. I pick out 10. Okay. The creme de la creme. I bring it back. They say $5 a piece. I'm like, look, $50. Yeah, I'm done.

I'm going to buy these 10 pairs of suspenders. This is great. So $5 is a good price for a pair of suspenders? It's a fair price. I wouldn't say at a thrift store a fair price. If I had my druthers, $1.99, $2.99. Oh, much better, much better. Fill up a bag and pay by weight.

Sure. But this was in, well, we can get those brass fittings. Sure. Oh, yeah. It's going to drive up the price. So I'm just buying them for the meal. Melt them down. You're going to melt them down.. So I'm just buying them for the mail. Melt it down. You're going to melt them down.

Make a wedding ring. Sure. Yeah. So I got to get that brass ring. Got to get it. So I had these 10 sets of suspenders. That's going to be good. You are going to that Yankee swap at Mumford and Sons house, right?

Damn. So I'm all set. I'm fucking living large with 10 sets of suspenders and and honestly i'm wearing suspenders what twice a week you know what i mean you're seven a year kind of well so i get to the counter this woman looks at these suspenders she says do you like suspender i'm like yes how did you know is it that that I'm buying 10 and wearing them? You're observant, elderly Russian woman who's often mean to me when I visit this thrift store. Suspender.

There's two elder. Well, there's a whole group of. There's a passel of them. But there's. Is that the term for old Russian lady? Yeah, that's the collective noun for a group of babushkas. So there's one who's mean and one who's nice. But the one who's mean passes me to the one who's nice, and she says, there's two bucks in back if you want to take a look.

I'm like, yes, I do want to take a look. And the workings of thrift store life also. That's a big invite. That's a big deal. To get invited to the back? Now, I was dressed. I don't know if I mentioned, but I look great. I got invited to the back.

Now, I was dressed. I don't know if I mentioned, but I look great. I had just had a conversation with a nice homosexual gentleman that was holding a garage sale about how good I looked. Okay. Oh, okay. That's the best. Those are good. You got to savor those days. And what a cool car I had, by the way.

Wow. I'll throw that in there. What's your car? It's an Audi TT. Okay. He said that he, this is what he said. I just want to tell you what a cool car you have. And I said, thank you very much.

And he said, I once took some ecstasy that had the Audi TT logo on it. That was the second thing he said. The second thing he said. Did you buy anything from his yard sale? I looked for something to buy. Just to like, yeah. Was he currently on ecstasy? Is that why he was like, your clothes are gray, your car is gray?

You know what? He put his hand between my shoulder blades and then he was just sort of rubbing. Just rubbing. It's a texture thing. Always a circular. So I got to go behind the scenes at the wrist drawer. The three huge like big banker's boxes full of suspenders. There's got to be a hundred sets of suspenders here more than that. So I took maybe a third of them. So I'm going to say there's 150 sets of suspenders. There's got to be 100 sets of suspenders here, more than that.

So I took maybe a third of them. So I'm going to say there's 150 sets of suspenders. You bought that many? I bought 47. I had to count them to pay. So you spent $5. Did you get a deal? No, they wouldn't.

They just, they wouldn't give me a deal. I asked for a deal. Listen, if they're going to sell suspenders, I mean, they got to get the guy. You know what I mean? Like, who else is- I know, that's what I figured. But a deal. Listen, if they're going to sell suspenders, I mean, they got to get the guy. You know what I mean? Like, who else is... That's what I figured. But then I was like, what am I going to do? Not buy it?

It's for charity. It's for the National Council of Jewish Women. The thing is, the people who want to buy suspenders will pay five bucks. Apparently. That's what we've learned. Who is the madman who donated all these suspenders? Who owns 150 pair? I can only assume he's

a southern prosecutor. He's gotta be. Or he's got a chicken restaurant that might take off. Hopefully. Maybe. We'll think. On the topic of secret back rooms, I got a handjob at a street club. I stuck my dick

in a hole. It was great. When I was cat shopping, I went to the... What? Jordan, do you have a cat? Did you get a cat? No, I mean, I have the same cat I've always had. Oh, okay. Yeah, same cat.

This was a couple years ago. This is while I was looking for the cat. I like new cats. I would go... I went to the same shelter a bunch of times. I went through a long vetting process to pick the cat that I picked. And I had gone back to the same shelter multiple times. i make a recommendation sure just hire a head hunter right i know you know to find the hot young cat who just graduated from cat college is willing to do anything to get ahead sure exactly um and uh i i had gone back to the the

same shelter like every weekend for like a month. And the last time I was there, she's like, you know, we haven't put them out yet because they're not ready to be adopted. But we have some kittens in the back if you'd like to look at them. Animal shelters may have secret kittens in the back that they're not showing you. Why wouldn't they be ready? That's where the great kittens are. Huh? Yeah. That's where the super cute babies are. Some of them are still with their mother. I think some of them still have to be with mom. That's so the great kittens are. Huh? Yeah. That's where the super cute babies are.

Some of them are still with their mother. I think some of them still have to be with mom. That's so sweet. Yeah. Is that where you got your kitten? No. I didn't want a small, small kitten. I wanted a cat who was a little bit older.

But it was very fun to go in the back and play with the secret kittens. Aw. There was, in the mall where I grew up, my first memory of wanting a job, other than wanting to be a bird, which is when I was very young. I don't have the education. I don't have the education. Birds don't get paid. When it comes to being a bird, you've got to start early. I know.

If you want to get the word. I know. It's already too late. Stop it, Jessie. There's a shoe store in the mall. You have to start out as a flightless bird, like a quail. Jessie's number one. Earn your wings.

Jessie's number one. So there's a shoe store in this mall. And there was like, oh, I would like this kind and my size. And as he opened the door to get where the shoes were, there was this wallpaper in the room where all the shoes were kept. That was like a circus wallpaper. And I was like, oh, my God, there's just all these shoes. Was this at a shoe circus? No, it was not.

It was just like a random department store. Yeah, I know. And you spin a wheel there, I think. Anyway, so I was like, mom and dad, I really just want to work at the shoe store. Can I figure out a way to work at the shoe store? Because I just want to hang out in that back room. And my parents were like, yeah, sure.

Keep your goals attainable. I did. Yeah, but if I was your parent, I would be really excited out in that back room. And my parents were like, yeah. Keep your goals attainable. I did. If I was your parent, I would be really excited. Great. That was your main dream. I have a good inkling that you're going to nail this one. Yeah, I'm going to nail my goal. Yeah, and I never have worked in a shoe store or had circus wallpaper, but I'm still.

It's no good. You're touching people's feet. Oh, I don't want to work in a shoe store at all. I bet foot fetishist people like it. When you graduated from high school, though, your parents got you four rolls of wallpaper. They should have. And they did not. You just like the wallpaper.

I just like circus wallpaper. We'll be back in just a second. I'll Jordan Jesse go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Dave? And what have you found? Well, people that love it say they love it because it's just Dave hanging out with someone in his apartment. Awesome. What do people that hate it say? They hate it because it's just Dave hanging out with someone in his apartment. Oh.

Listen to Dave Hill's podcast dancing on the Maximum Fun Network. Motherf**ker. Was that too much? No, I think it was perfect. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love maybe that's my nickname. Well, I don't think it was. Okay, sorry. It would be amazing if it was.

It was your first time doing the show, so you... I maybe didn't even... No, you guys came and did it with me once when Jesse wasn't here. That's true. So we didn't even talk about it. And those, I guess, are unofficial episodes where they happen outside the normal... They're not canon. They happen outside the normal continuity.

So, Kamau, you don't have a nickname? No, I did it. I've done it with them. Oh, damn it. Lou Kang. Can I be Rollercoaster of Love? Yeah. So, Kamau, you don't have a nickname? No, I did it. I've done it with them. Oh, damn it. Liu Kang. Can I be Rollercoaster of Love? Yeah. Okay, sure.

Thank you. If I do a show with Nick Adams, is that canonical? No, those are, yeah, those are imaginary stories. Like when Superman fights Muhammad Ali. Oh, like an episode. Or like when Obama meets Spider-Man. Yeah, exactly. Marvel's What If.

Yeah. He's a shit. Yeah, exactly. Gotcha. Are they like the funny one, the funny What Ifs? Like Spider-Man. Yeah, exactly. Marvel's what if. Yeah. He's a shit. Yeah, exactly. Gotcha. Are they like the funny one? The funny what ifs? Like Spider-Ham? Spider-Ham!

I was just talking to someone about Spider-Ham just this week. Do you remember Captain America? No. What? He sounds better than Spider-Ham. Are you making this up? What does Captain America do? Spider-Ham was a series of, they sort of made animal versions of our beloved Marvel superheroes.

That was in play. Captain America, that Green Arrow was, not Green Arrow, I mean, what's his name? Hawkeye? Hawkeye was, not Hawkeye, it was something else. But it was really, it should have just been Hawkeye. Exactly. It was Hawk-Hawk. Hawk-Hawk.

Hawk-Hawk-Eye. Can you do Iron Mantis? Was that a thing? They might have had Iron Mantis, but they, Spider-Ham was, and they were Hawk. Hawk Hawk Eye. Can you do Iron Mantis? Was that a thing? They might have had Iron Mantis, but Spider Ham was, and they were funny and I loved them. The Incredible Dog. That's the Incredible Hulk, but he's a dog. But he's a dog. Oh, his alter ego is Peter Porker.

Yeah. Noice. Noice. They were thorough with that, huh? They were. They were. Like, let's explore all the options. Anything that can have a pig name, we give it a pig name.

Francis Bacon shows up. One of my favorite things at the L.A. County Fair is the pig races, and all the pigs have celebrity pun pig names, but they still are not with it enough to have a Jon Hamm. Oh, they don't know. They're not big enough. I think the most contemporary pig pun celebrity they have is, like, Porkus Hilton. Oh, they don't know. They're not big enough. I think the most contemporary pig pun celebrity they have is like Porkus Hilton. Oh, they're still stuck on Paris Hilton. I think that's as modern they are as they get.

Do you remember the Mr. Show sketch where Bob Odenkirk is with the billiards thing where he teaches you stuff through billiards? Yeah, sure. It's one of my favorite sketches. Batman the horse? Yeah. And if Mandy Patinkin was a horse. Yeah.

That's a great horse name. If Mandy Patinkin was a horse. We. That's a great horse name. Mandy Patinkin was a horse. We use that one a lot in our lives. I ended up looking up the Wikipedia page for Spider-Ham. Yeah. And what's fun about Spider-Ham, and I'm going to put that sort of relatively, is that on this Wikipedia page, it says there's a section called In-Story Information that lists his alter ego, Peter Benjamin Porker, and his abilities. His abilities are just

Spider-Man's abilities. Yeah, no, he's Spider-Man. It's just whatever pig was Spider-Man. He doesn't, like, shoot bacon webs out of his hand or something. Ooh, bacon webs. It's an anthropomorphic pig, let's be clear. Yeah. If you think of The Simpsons as Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig, that's a weird similar thing. Yeah, I think that's just an unintentional parallel.

Yeah, it's a weird similar thing. Parallel thinking, I think they call it in comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should probably write them all down. Come on, let me tell you about comedy. Let me tell you about stand-up comedy. I call it parallel thinking when I steal from people I know. Hey, Jordan, what is in your hand?

Well, I have, by popular demand, I have, by popular demand, I don't think I've ever had such a unanimous outpouring of a suggestion for something. Nude photos. Nude photos. Those will be on tumblr.fuckyajordansdick.com. Is there a fuck yeah Jordan Morris? If there's not, I'm disappointed in all our fans. Okay.

There is a lot of action on the MaxFun subreddit this past week. Oh, that's good. Oh, weird stuff? Including a lot of demands for Jordan Morris to do an Ask Me Anything. Okay. Ooh, get that AMA going. Just saying, Jordan.

Well, let's stick to the topic at hand. We'll address it later. I have been an outspoken Bud Light lime enthusiast. I think it's a delicious beer. It's Bud Light with a little kick of lime.

I think it's an easy drinking beer It's Bud Light with a little kick of lime. I think it's an easy drinking beer if you're at a barbecue. Something where you're going to be drinking for a while. Okay. Daytime drinking?

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I think it's probably your best choice. Summary? Great. The Bud Light Lime-a-rita. Which you tried

for the first time with us, I believe. Yeah, well, I think what I did with you guys was I- Oh, you made a drink was I made it palatable. The Bud Light Lime Merida is disgusting. It's a malt beverage, contains no tequila, none of the charm of the Bud Light Lime.

It's just a disgusting headache in a tiny can. Okay. People have been asking if I would try the Bud Light Lime Cran Burrita. It's a seasonal offshoot of the Bud Light Lime Cran-ber-ita. It's a seasonal offshoot of the Bud Light Lime-erita. There's so many plays on words in there, because it's not just Cran-ber-ita wasn't enough. They also made it Cran-ber-ita, because it's cold. So weather outside is frightful.

Yeah. But the Cran-ber-ita is so delightful. But the malt beverage is so delightful. And how do you feel about when they'll do 7-Up with cranberry and Sprite with cranberry? Do you approve? Yeah, I mean, in general. I'm not a big soda drinker, but I mean, I like seasonal spins on favorites.

Why are they not doing that anymore? Thank you. Do you remember Holiday Pepsi a few years ago? It was like spicy. That had like cinnamon in it? So great. It tasted like Christmas. It did not.

I haven't seen any limited edition. Maybe Christmas in Pakistan. Oh, Christmas in Pakistan is just called December, motherfucker. But you do drink a lot of holiday. Yeah, it's weird. You get all of them. Well, I mean, I think, you know, obviously I took a little bit of offense to all the requests because it's people wanting me to try something that they know I'll probably think is gross. Why would you think it's gross?

I mean, I guess I hate the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita so much. I can't imagine that adding cranberry will make it better, but maybe it will. It's good for your internal health. You're thinking of 50s Dr. Pepper slogan. It'll keep you from getting a urinary tract infection. Cranberry is very good. And apparently, I've been told many times can help you pass a marijuana drug test. Oh, yeah, it'll keep you from getting a urinary tract, in fact. Cranberry is very good. That's true. Apparently, I've been told many times, can help you pass a marijuana drug test. Oh, okay.

Well. Specifically that? No, it's good for my urinary tract. I've had a lot of strange dudes' fingers up there, at least recently. Yeah. Get that urethra going. Up my urethra. Wow.

Do they have thin fingers? No, they don't. You need to work them in. Have you just had horrible days? I have a malleable urethra. Okay. All right. It'srethra. Okay. All right. It's called manual sounding.

Okay. It's called human flute. Although, you put the holes in them. Yeah, human flute doesn't work. Human flute doesn't totally work. We'll work on that. Chinese finger trap? It's technically-

One-sided finger trap? It technically started working. Human flute started working when Jordan had those holes drilled in his finger trap? It's technically... One-sided finger trap? It technically started... It started working. Human flute started working when Jordan had those holes drilled in his penis. Drove in his penis. On the side of his... From all the piercings he had in the 90s. He literally says the skin flute. Yeah.

Play it. A big part of my livelihood is showing up at erotic trade shows. Sure. And letting Ron Jeremy play my penis like a flute. Yeah, just blowing Dutch people's minds. I feel like there's a lot of that. But the Bloodlight Limerita, I believe you're in the minority

because I think it's a hit. I think that drink is a hit. I think it is too, definitely. What is it? I don't really know. I mean, it's in the same family as like the Bacardi O or the Smirnoff Ice and I don't even really know

what the alcohol in that is from. If I'm reading the description on the Cranburrita, and we can assume that it's similar to the Limerita, it says, margarita with a twist, malt beverage with a natural and artificial flavor, an artificial color. Oh, so that explains it. So does that explain things to you at all?

It's a malt beverage with an artificial flavor. It's like a Zima. It's like a Zima. Yeah, I guess what I thought of when I saw the Limerita Can I explain things to you at all? It's a malt beverage with a – It's like a Zima. It's like a Zima. Yeah. In a can. I guess what I thought of when I saw the Limerita was that like this is like one of those canned cocktail – like a club cocktail that's like a gin and tonic in a little can. I kind of maybe foolishly thought there was going to be like tequila in it. Yeah. Does the casino go? It falls into the broad category of things that I personally associate with sad female winos in my neighborhood growing up.

Wow. Just walking out of a liquor store holding three of those things. It's like wine coolers. It's not a big deal. I can drink a couple. It's not a big deal. Like three of those and then a hair dyeing kit. The cocktail in a can thing specifically.

I've done that. Hair dyeing. So. You should try it. Despite being not wanting to drink it, I will slake the public's thirst for my opinion on the. Here, crack that into the mic, my friend. Here, just to prove I'm actually doing it. What a sound.

That is a good sound. What a sound. I did that. Yeah. People can save that if they need to have a radio drama or something. Emily also has one here. Yeah, we're going to try it. Well, Emily, what's your feeling on this kind of beverage, first of all?

Not a fan overall, but also not completely against. You know? Okay. Neutral. I'm going to go neutral. She's going in with an open mind. Open mind, open heart. I feel like you've gone in with sort of preconceived notions.

That's true. I have a lot of baggage I'm bringing to this. Before you guys drink these, can you do me a favor and nose them? I am. I'm smelling what smells like... Describe the notes, if you will. Old English? Cranberries.

I'm getting... Old English plus cough syrup. I'm getting a hint of melted otter pop and some notes of ground because the otter pop fell on the ground. Delicious. Smelling chemicals? Yeah, it's harsh chemicals. How much? Tell me how much sugar is in this.

If you look at the, I presume one can is one serving, right? What's funny is that it's hard to now see because we have, I'll spill it. I spilled it on myself. Yeah, exactly. I think probably the nutritional information is on the box, so I don't think we can see on the individual cans. This is terrible. What a disaster. This is a horrible disaster.

So when you smell it, what notes are you detecting? Is it fruity? A little fruity and Old English. I smell malt liquor and I smell fruit. It's like a dimetappy. Yeah, very cough syrupy. Uh-huh, okay. But yeah, I guess I'm just going to go for it.

You have a spit bucket here, right? Because I don't want to... Oh, that was a good sip noise. I'm a foley artist. I'm off time. You guys should really be swishing this. Yeah, you're right. No, I don't think we should, actually.

I'm going to go ahead and say no to that. So you can get the full range of flavors. You should be swishing it around. I'm going to go ahead and say no to that. So you can get the full range of flavors. You should be swishing it around. I'm getting full ranges. Not just masturbating underwater, Joy. That's what I call swishing. Maybe I'm a little primed because you've mentioned it. It does remind me of a Zima.

It reminds me of... Didn't they have a cranberry Zima at one point? I feel like I remember. I've never had a Zima. I guess I only know Zima as a punchline. I had Zima. The Zima and the McRib. I just only know that these exist as things to make a joke about.

That would be a great thing if you were being executed at request as your final meal, because then what are they going to hunt those down? Oh, McRib is a good one. I want a Crystal Pepsi. Yeah, Holiday Pepsi, Crystal Pepsi, McRib is a good one. I want a Crystal Pepsi. Yeah, Holiday Pepsi, Crystal Pepsi, McRib. Yeah. I drank Zima in the backseat of a car on the way to go see Metallica when I was 14 years old. That was one of my first experiences.

That's the only time that it's acceptable to drink Zima. And I drank it and I was like, living the sweet life. It was gross. What do you guys think of this? What Metallica album had just come out? It was after, oh God, it was not Ride the Lightning. Master of Puppets. Good job.

Puppets Master is what you think it should be. Puppet Master. It was not a good album. It was like one of the not great albums, but it was still a great show.

Sure. My bad. The whole recording studio now smells like this weird drink. And I think it's a combination of because the things

are open and because Jordan spilled like a quarter ounce onto his hand. Yeah. And then just waved it around because he couldn't figure out what to do with it. Because he didn't want to drink it out of his hand or just like put it on our carpeted floor. I'm ready to render my judgment. Okay.

Mr. Morris. Let's go to the lady first here. You're right. Sorry. Emily, how do you feel about this product? I feel like it does. It tastes like a Zima that has been had like some cranberry candy dropped into it. A classic cranberry candy.

Classic. Yeah. So many classics. Just like grandma used to have on her coffee table. You're just talking. It's just a Zima that's had craisins in it. Ooh, wouldn't that be lovely? Are you trying to say that it sort of tastes chemically like it tastes fake like you know some of those candy like banana candy tastes nothing like banana it does taste it does when

i now think about it it doesn't really taste specifically like cranberries it tastes like red fruit tastes like a red fruit zima uh and i'm not i'm not uh i don't hate it but i also would never order this if i was forced to drink i I'd be like, all right, sure. What if you were at like a nice bar, though? If I was at like a super high-end bar, are they wearing suspenders behind me? Yeah, like a sleeve garter type situation. Then, yeah, I'm going to be like, can you? We mix our own cranburitas here.

They make their own cranburitas. Cranburitas. Takes 30 minutes. They start by steeping craisins. They have muddled craisins going. Yeah, so I don't hate it, but I also would never order it on my own. That's my judgment. Jordan, your vote is the deciding vote.

Emily gets one vote, but you get two. Yay. Sexist. Men, men, men, men. Sexist. Can I vote on what it probably is? Yes. Yes.

If I were to taste it, I would probably think it was actually pretty good. Really? I would. I would think that... A thin ice. Go ahead. I mean, you could keep... I'm going to vote.

I'm going to vote yay. Does he also get two votes because he's a man or... No, no. But I didn't taste it. Jordan gets two votes because this whole thing is in service of knowing what Jordan thinks about it. I get that. I get that. So Jordan no. But I didn't taste it. Jordan gets two votes because this whole thing is in service of knowing what Jordan thinks

I get that. I get that. So Jordan, so Kumail didn't taste it. Let's be clear. But had he tasted it, he would vote yay. So he would now be tied. He would be pleasantly surprised. It's weird.

It's like, I don't know what you could be basing that on since you didn't try it. So I don't think your vote counts is what I'm saying. Okay. Sure. My final judgment. Yeah. Your, sure. My final judgment. Yeah, your final decision, Judge Judy style. This is fucking disgusting. This is like, what if you combined Sprite and soap?

Sprite with like, and someone accidentally squeezed some just bathroom hand soap in here. I don't taste the cranberry. Do you taste red fruit? No, I don't taste the cranberry. Do you taste red fruit? No, I don't know. There's so... Nothing here tastes like anything that exists in nature.

I don't disagree with you there. I think alcohol should taste a little shitty because you've got to earn your drunk, earn your buzz. It's different though. This is not like the challenge of taking a slug of whiskey. I mean, that feels like it's supposed to exist. It makes you feel alive.

This just makes me feel mad and sleepy. Okay. Which are valid feelings. Yeah. I mean, I feel like that slug of bourbon, it wakes you up. It wakes up your senses. This just makes me want to put on a Simpsons DVD and masturbate and fall asleep. Were you masturbating to Simpsons? What's going on? But like the early episodes. I don't masturbate.

I don't masturbate. I don't masturbate to anything past season eight. You have to make sure you don't masturbate when like Lisa's on. There's some pretty hot episodes in like season 10. Well, that's debatable. That's a whole other thing. Okay.

When her sisters are home. Oh yeah. We, that's debatable. That's a whole other thing. Okay. What if her sisters are home? Oh, yeah. We have Patty and Selma. Just imagine, that's a threesome. That's a threesome for the ages. It's weird when you're looking at porn

and one of the advertisements on the side will be for cartoon porn. Isn't that amazing how often that comes up? Oh, yeah. Hentai? Yeah.

Use an ad blocker, Jordan. I should use an ad blocker. Can I say something? This is sort of going to feel a little name droppy or whatever. Okay, anyway, I'll just say it. I'm friends with Marge Simpson. Marge is over. Your Adventure Time character has been drawn into some porn.

No, I'm working on an HBO show with Mike Judge, and there was an episode where some penises are drawn. And I saw him draw a very rudimentary cartoon penis. And I actually at this moment was like, oh, that's what Beavis' penis probably looks like. But not buttheads. But not buttheads. No, I bet they have the same penis. But it was cool to see.

I was like, oh, that's what it looks like. You mean they share a penis? They might as well, really. I think they're penis twins. Question, was it circumcised or was it uncircumcised? Un. Do you... It was un.

Does anybody ever draw a penis that's, like, circumcised? I think when it's erect, it's... No, is there... It was uncircumcised penis. I don't think it looks dramatically different when it's erect. No, no, no, it was circumcised. I think it was. I think a drawing of an uncircumcised penis can be mistaken for something else.

Like Tremor. Easier than a circumcised penis. Yeah, this is circumcised. It could be one of the graboids from Tremor. Yeah, graboids from Tremor. It was circumcised. Tremor. I meant circumcised.

I'm sorry. I misspoke. Because I don't know if anybody, even if they have an uncircumcised penis, would draw an uncircumcised penis. You have to, there's more drawing to do because there's clearly more skin involved. It just takes more, it's just more effort. Kumail,

let me mention this. I don't mean to be name-droppy, but at MaxFunCon, tickets on sale now, we typically have, and I'm bringing in all these threads here, an artisanal cocktail maker.

A mixologist. A mixologist, if you will. And one of them is a man named Ted Haig, otherwise known as Dr. Cocktail. And Ted is a guy who is such an expert on cocktails that he is the official consultant to the Cocktail Museum in New Orleans. There's a cocktail museum in New Orleans? He's written numerous books about cocktails, including historical cocktails.

And he's a wonderful guy. And in his day-to-day life, when he's not being a cocktail expert, he is a production artist. He currently works on Boardwalk Empire. Wow. Well, that makes sense for him. Perfect. Yeah. But before that, he worked on many television programs and films, among others, was Superbad.

And all of the dicks in Superbad were drawn by Ted Haig, a.k.a. Dr. Cocktail. So he has so many, yeah, he's got a lot of skills. So he's Dr. Cocktail and Dr. Cock. Yeah. That's a really good point. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la My name is Dave. My name is Graham. And we're both the hosts of Stop Podcasting Yourself, which is a podcast from Canada. In fact, we've won the best podcast in Canada two years in a row at the Canadian Comedy Awards. Sounds made up. It does sound made up. Even as I was saying it, I'm like, did that really happen? Here's the thing.

Stop Podcasting Yourself is a very positive show about two people who hate absolutely everything. But we love you and you listening through all this promo. People have already fast forwarded through this part of the promo. Anyway, thanks. We're Stop Podcasting

Yourself and you can find us at MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Carmela Nye, Jenny, Lou King. Emily Gordon, rollercoaster of love. Can I get something off of my chest? Yes.

You can remove something that's been sticking in your craw, but I will not allow you to get something off your chest. I'm sorry, that's just gross. But you'd rather me get something out of my craw than get something off my chest? Yeah. I mean, it's just resting on my chest.

If I get to get all up in my craw... No, but craw means that it's really bugging you. On your chest, like, you know what? I just have something to say. Yeah. Something's stuck in my craw. How about this? Something's stuck in my craw and I have to get something off my chest.

I just do whatever. I have to get something off my chest, Jordan. Okay. There's something stuck in my craw. This I like. This I like. I just like Israeli martial arts. Nice one. That's very well done. Krav Maga. K just like Israeli martial arts. Nice one.

That's very well done. Krav Maga. Krav Maga. Maga. Krav Maga. Maga. So, I have a two-year-old child. You know, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

I got a two-year-old child. Oh, tell it like it is. You got to face facts sometimes. Simon. His name's Simon. So, look. The FCC does not regulate podcasts. This is a wonderful child,'s Simon. Look, the FCC does not regulate podcasts.

This is a wonderful child, this Simon. He's a great kid. He's absolutely taken the fact that he has a new baby brother in stride. He's just wonderful. Great kid. I read to him a lot. He likes hearing stories. You know what I mean? I read to him a lot.

Yeah. He likes hearing stories. You know what I mean? And most of the books in our house came into our house because we chose them. Sure. Sure. Either I was at the thrift store and I bought them, or we went on Amazon. I bought a few Caldecott Award winners and books I remembered as being good for my childhood. Oh, that's a good time.

What's Caldecott? It's an award for excellence in children's books. Caldecott? Yeah. What's the one that starts with P? Pulitzer. Pulitzer. I think there's the Prescott Award.

One's for writing and one's for illustrations. One's for little. Newberry. Newberry Award winner? Newberry. Maybe Newberry. That's for older a little bit. Yeah. That's for young adults. Young adults. Yeah, that's for like young adults.

Young adults. I used to only buy those when I was a kid. I was very snobby. What's the golden asshole? Oh, that's for novelizations of porn movies. Novelizations. And he's fucking her. And it's really hard.

Fill out some of that backstory. And she looks like she's pretty upset, but she's also maybe having a good time. I don't know. Who cares? We can't tell if she's into it. No one cares. This is 500 pages. Then there are some books in my home that I don't know how they got into my home.

And here's the thing. The reason that you pick- You know, you got to spray for those or else they lay out. Children's books. The reason that you- They get into the molding. There's four lemony Snickets here. What's going on?

They breed. The reason that you pick the books carefully is not because you want your child to only have the best things inside his mind.

I mean, that's like a little bit of it. It's mostly because you have to fucking read these books over and over and over and over and over and over

and so it maddens you if they're terrible books. So for me, like, we have a copy of In the Night Kitchen, the Maury Sendak book. Oh, yes. I could read In the Night Kitchen once a day forever. I would continue to enjoy it. It's fucking amazing. It's totally engrossing to me every time.

It's beautiful to look at. It's, like, plays with, like, deep-seated dream feelings that I never knew I had every time. It's beautiful to look at. It's like, plays with like deep-seated dream feelings that I never knew I had every time. You know what I mean? Or Where the Wild Things Are, another Sendak book. You know, these are books that are, feel really amazing to read every time.

And then there's this book, Humperdinck's Busy Day, which has no author. It's a Richard Scarry book, Humperdinck's Busy Day, which has no author. It's a Richard Scarry book. Well, it is attributed to Richard Scarry's Busy Day storybooks. But I don't think that Richard Scarry wrote this. Wait, so there's a whole series of books that are just about busy days of various characters? The Firefighter's Busy Day, Sergeant Murphy's Busy Day.

Firefighter's Busy Day sounds dark. Yeah, that sounds like some Well, okay, so let's talk a little bit partner are you gonna read us this book is not always Richard scary remind me He does the the busy town. Yeah characters What if this was busyness and I guess I just I still remember this one. There's a character named lowly worm His name is lowly hat does the hat he wears a hat it seems like yeah they gave him that he's a central character in busy town okay lowly worm he's not in this book though no interesting i want to be clear there's a lot of other fucking characters in this book for no fucking reason okay so here's what happens number one this this

is copyrighted by the estate of richard scary so i think that they just had their pr guy write this or something like i don't think i don't even think like richard scary jr wrote this or something like that they may have just found it on the street we're like this sounds like a is someone busy in this story all right it's all right we're taking it maybe they abduct teen runaways and have them write a busy. Oh, it's like a child labor. Yes, a sweatshop. So the first page is perfectly reasonable. It's sort of a dark town.

We see it. We see Humperdinck is asleep, and then his alarm clock goes off. Is Humperdinck an animal? Humperdinck is a pig. Okay. Oh, okay. Good to know. He's a man pig, I would say.

Sure. Sort of like a Peter Porker type. You got it. You got it. So he gets up. Second page is just him seeing different people. So like this is just pure brand extension. He sees Brushes, the street sweeper.

His name is Brushes? Wow, he really fell into what he should have done, huh? He sees some tiny turtles driving a TV van. Cool, like that alliteration? He sees some tiny turtles driving a TV van. Cool. Like that alliteration? He sees a cat policeman. And then he goes to his bakery, which is, they're not tiny turtles. They're bugs, as I find.

They're out to report the morning's news. I apologize for anyone who was confused about that. We're just scary diehard fans out there. So they get, and he picks up his sidekick who's Abel Baker Charlie. Abel Baker Charlie, I should mention, is a mouse, which makes him in no way capable of being an Abel Baker. He's not able in the slightest. Is he way smaller than the Humperdinck? Yeah, he's mouse sized.

Okay, great. That's what's, one of the interesting things is while everyone is humanoid, they're also the size of the thing that they are. Okay. If you're in the busy town world, the busy town of hers, it's probably pretty easy to be a hit man. I think it's just called busy town. Good point. Good point. It's probably easy to be a hit man because you can just create a cover for yourself by changing your name.

Yeah. Just to what you want people to think you are. Like, oh, I'm Don Garbageman. Like, oh, you could just change your name, for example, to, I don't know, like Crocodile Not a Hitman. Sure, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Crocodile would never kill.

Probably would, because in Busytown, you would automatically be like Harvey the Hitman, and you'd be like, oh, shit, I've got to either leave town or I've got to change my name. Who killed the mayor bird? Yeah, that would be a really huge weight on the shoulders of like a 10 year old. Oh, for sure.

You will eventually grow up to be a hitman. This is Dan the drug dealer. Yeah, I'm sure it's easy to solve crimes. Yeah. It's easy to run, it's easy to figure out who needs to go to detention though, like in elementary school. And what is free will really? Toby Trouaker yeah it's a really good point emily yeah what is free will so the bakery's shaped like a fucking loaf of bread that would be a great busy town book a

guy who just says fuck it to his name and pursues what he loves oh we are not it's not predetermined we can do whatever we want yeah so now there's there's a whole, there's a whole page spread, two page spread of them getting ready for baking the dough. And there's not a compelling sentence on this. The entire, like here's an example sentence. Able baker Charlie makes different shape loaves of bread out of the bread dough.

That's as exciting as it gets in this book. So they put them in and then they're bored. I presume they're bored because there's no character gets in this book. So they put them in, and then they're bored. I presume they're bored because there's no character involved in this at all. Okay. And they decide to make donuts. You want them to have conflict with each other or a relationship to each other. So far, it's just straight ahead, just something.

Just say what you see. So far, it's just a straight ahead, this, this, this, and this. You know what I mean? They're making bread in different ships. Maybe what if AMC gets their hands on this, and maybe Abel Baker Charlie and Humperdinck could have kind of a Walt and Jesse relationship. That's a good idea. I was going to go with Low Winter Sun, but...

When you say AMC drama, everybody thinks Low Winter Sun. Low Winter Sun. Yeah, maybe the bakery is just a front for something. They're doing a different kind of crime. So they put the bread in the oven. This is the next paragraph on the next page. And I think you're supposed to read this as though it's a real thing that makes sense. What do you say we have a donut raffle today?

Humperdinck asks Charlie. There's your drama. There's that drama you've been wanting. I don't know what it is, but if it's happening, I want to be at a donut raffle. I know. Unskippable. So he starts making the donuts, and all of a sudden, look at this, the entire bakery fills with smoke.

Oh, no. Whoops. I think the bread is ready, boys. Is this a crossover? Says the narrator who can now talk to them? Yeah, no. Not okay. Sure, yeah.

You cannot break that. I thought this was a crossover with the firefight narrator who can now talk to them? Yeah, no. Not okay. Sure, yeah. You cannot break that. I thought this is a crossover with the firefighters' busy day. Hold on. Hold on, my friend. They take out the baked bread just in time. Where's the smoke coming from, then? Okay, so that's fine. Yeah.

I guess it's fine that the whole fucking place was on fire. No, maybe they're setting something up. Okay. Can I say something? I love that you're reading us a children's story right now. That's basically what's happening. Thank you. So I'm on pins and needles.

Here's the next thing that happens. We don't know what else to do on the podcast, guys. While the bread cools, they put the donuts in the oven. This is tricky. Number one, donuts are not cooked in an oven. No, they're fried. Good point. Donuts are a fried food.

Yep. If you're cooking donuts in the oven, your donuts probably fucking suck. I mean, I have seen in, you know, foodie bakeries, they have faux nuts. But if you're doing- Jordan, Jordan. Are these guys in like a trendy neighborhood? Yeah. In the trendy neighborhood of Visitown?

They're in Silver Lake, yeah. Is that for people who won't eat things that have been fried? Is that a new thing? It's a little healthier. Aren't they vegan? I think it's for people who only want to eat something with a cute name. Faux nuts are faux nuts. Or tofurkies.

Fuck you, tofurkies. Or chicken without the... I'm on a special diet where I only... Oh, God. What's the name? This joke would be funny if I could think of the literary term for something that's a mashup of two names. What do you call that? A mashup.

Combination. Wait. A what? What's the official name? A porkmanto? There you go. Oh. Pretend I didn't forget the name of that.

Okay. Let's scratch all that. I'm on a special diet where I only eat things that are... I'm on a special diet where I only eat porkmantos. You know what? I think you nailed it. That wasn't that funny. You nailed it. You nailed it.

You nailed it. Pork mantos. Pork, yeah. Okay, so here's the next thing that happens. They go, the bread is ready. So Abel Baker Charlie climbs, I mean, this is not without its charm. He climbs a ladder onto the bicycle. Not without its charm.

Oh, because he's so little. Yeah, and there's a little tiny, there's an extra set of gears that gets to the little tiny pedals that are up onto the bicycle. Not without a stroller. Oh, because he's so little. Yeah, and there's a little tiny, there's an extra set of gears that gets to the little tiny pedals that are up by the seat. So that's pretty cute. But then there's this whole page of him, and it's just a list of places he delivers them to. And he has the exact same conversation

with every place he delivers it, which is, have a nice day, Charlie. Thanks, Hank. I mean, they all have different names. That'd be weird if it's just, I only, it's a Hank day, Charlie. Thanks, Hank. I mean, they all have different names. It's a Hank bread delivery service. I also like that he's just an able baker.

He's not like a great baker. There's another store across town. Do you think it's like a union designation? It could be a union designation. Yeah, probably. Okay. Hey, listen, your donuts are getting too good. When he gets back, the place is on fire and the firemen are there. Oh, shit.

Whoosh, goes the firefighter's water hose. Well, see, that paid off. You were talking about how the bread being on fire didn't do anything. Well, why did they not notice the fire? This is new. This is a donut fire. Oh, okay. A different fire.

When the fire is out, the firefighters leave the bakery. Well, that was suggesting to us that we're in a world where fires can happen. Don't forget to take a raffle ticket, Humperdinck says. Humperdinck starts to make a new batch of donuts. And why wouldn't he? Just keeps making donuts over and over and over. And as you guys can see, and the home listener can't, the bread-shaped

oven, everything in his world is bread-shaped, apparently, is full of water and dripping water out of it. Oh, because of the fireman. But he's just going to make some more fucking donuts. He doesn't give a shit. He's not able. He's going to make donuts in the oven that he shouldn't be doing.

That's not in his name. He shouldn't be making donuts in an oven anyway. Maybe this is about how he discovers that donuts should be fried. Let me address what happens next. So basically the firefighters came. I don't know what Humperdinck was doing while his oven was on fire. Just chilling. But they came, sprayed it down, and then Humperdinck was just like, fuck it.

I'm going to just make some more donuts. Okay. So that's – to this point, that's what's happened. Well, that's his fatal flaw. Next thing. This is his – Humperdinck's babysitter comes with his daughter and says, do you mind? Humperdinck's a single father.

These are deep characters. No, because we saw his wife earlier when he woke up. So they're a dual income household. Or it could have been the babysitter that we saw. I like this. Busy town after dark. The babysitter says, could you please look after Sophie while I go to my dental appointment? Wait, what is her job?

Isn't she the babysitter? I know. She's not the dentist goer. I know. I mean, this is sort of out of nowhere. We don't know there are dentists in this world. Well, do you want to address out of nowhere? Yeah.

Abel Baker, Charlie, and Humperdinck are tired, so they take a nap while Sophie plays quietly. That's part of the story? Yes. How is this a story? This is the Bud Light Lime Cranberry-da of children's stories. Guess what happens then? Another fucking fire because they took a nap while he was baking donuts again. This guy can't bake donuts.

I think this is a solid story, Charlie. I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Humperdinck and Abel Baker Charlie leap from their beds and take the baked donuts out of the oven just in time. Again. Again. There's so much fire. And his daughter dies of smoke inhalation.

The firefighters came. There's so much smoke consuming everything, filling this entire page. And he just goes and takes them out of the oven. He's like, oh, great. He says, oh oh good work boys what the hell it says next page now it is time for the raffle oh right that raffle plot that we forgot about read the whole book that's true guess who won the raffle guys sophie no the fucking firefighters because they were the only customers the entire day, and they weren't even customers.

They didn't buy anything. They were just putting out the two different fires caused by negligence. Everyone was just walking by, like, I'm not going to go in that smoke-filled bakery. Why would I do that? The bakery's on fire. Why would I go get anything? I'm going to go to a donut place that fries its donuts. It looks like there are 500 donuts.

There's a pile of donuts that's as big as 15 or 20 pigs here. And that's what you win in the donut raffle, 500 donuts. I mean, this has a visual playfulness. We had that fun mouse bike. We have this huge pile of donuts. Jordan, seriously. Oh, the bakeries. I mean, this is like a Michelle Gondry movie.

Yeah, the bakery is very poorly scripted. Yes, and then it a Michelle Condry movie. Yeah. It has a- It's very poorly scripted. Yes, and then it was translated from another language. Baker Humperdinck and Abel Baker Charlie bring out the big raffle prize. That's the aforementioned 10,000 donuts. The firefighters look very pleased. They love to eat donuts. I mean, that's the stereotype, right? That's fucking Hemingway shit right there.

That is just gorgeous. What does Simon think of this story? Can Simon discern the difference between two stories? I'll tell you what I think of this story. I think it's the fucking worst book ever written. I think it's an insult to everyone who's ever learned English. I bet I could come up with a better story off the top of my head right now. Kumail, you had to teach yourself English going to English class in school and watching American film and television. Please do it. You had to teach yourself English in going to English

class in school and watching American film and television. Here we go. There's a there's a having there's a guy. He's a pig. Right. OK.

And his friends are so far his friends are rat. Who's a shit. This is the same story. No. It's different because that was a mouse. Here's the rat.

OK. A little bit of the movie Ratatouille. Yeah. You're Ratatouille. Yeah. He goes and they decide they're going to make a scone raffle. Okay.

I love this. Where's this going? Can I ask you a question? Point of clarification on this? Sweet or savory scones? Sweet. Sweet scones. Do they call them scones or scones?

They disagree. Oh. Is that the conflict? Here we go. It would be great if the conflict was that rather than just insane, dangerous negligence. Fire and leaving children unattended during fire. My story has an arsonist who jacks off while he sets fire. Jerry Jackoff.

Yeah, Jerry Jackoff. Now, what animal is Jerry Jackoff? That's my question. Is that a rat or a pig? He's a straight up human being. Whoa! And he lives in a world of... Yeah.

And he jacks off to fires. This is just a dream you have. It's a great dream. This is just you. Is Jerry Jackoff Pakistani-American? He looks like my father. Not a big deal. Not scary at all. Not weird. He looks like a Joss Not a big deal. Not scary at all.

Not weird. He looks like Ajaz Nanjiani, MD. Name check him. That's my dad. Yeah. Great guy. Solid of the earth. Not an arsonist. Would never jack off in a fire.

I don't think he's ever jacked off. Not sexually gratified by fire in the slightest. Isn't that a weird thing? Now, auto accidents, on the other hand. I mean, who wouldn't? Who wouldn't? Crash is his favorite movie. Not that crash, but the other crash. I mean, who wouldn't? Crash is his favorite movie. Not that Crash, but the other Crash.

Yeah, the other Crash. The wound fucking Crash. Yeah. Yeah, the one that's probably better. I haven't seen either one. Yeah. Anyway, moral of the story is it's an embarrassment to humanity, to anthropomorphic animal entity. Mm-hmm.

Here's what I have a concern. Yeah. So you don't know where this book came from. No fucking idea where this book came from. Yeah, there's no way you bought this book. Absolutely not. Is it possible this is an evil dead situation? That was a sort of nonsense necronomicon.

And you reading it out loud. And you reading it out loud. Is this going to be a dead by dawn situation? Oh, that you've unleashed like anthropomorphized killer animals. That will set fires. Yeah, and bake donuts like That will set fires. Yeah, and bake donuts like fucking sociopaths.

Yeah, we're screwed. It's from 1990. The last half of that book was in Latin, right? Ugh, bake a donut.

That's the worst. I would try a phone nut. So at work, we have donuts every single day, all day, every day, and you don't realize

how hard it is to resist donuts until you're presented with them every second of every day. Oh, absolutely. You mean because you have work in the business of Shell? Yeah. Well, they just have a spread of food and they always, always, always have donuts. Every single day there are donuts. I would eat so many red vines.

I worked in an environment with an open container of red vines. I would eat half a container of red vines every day. It's really easy to do. I know the first week I probably ate 100 now and laters. Yeah, probably 100. And I mean, that's given the fact that every time you eat one, you have to save one for later. Yeah. There's a time delay built in, and yet you still made it to 100.

You interpret later as one second later. Yeah. I there's a time delay built in and yet you still made it to 100. You interpret later as one second later. Yeah. I would like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was amazing. Grape, apple. What's your favorite flavor?

Yeah, apple's pretty good. Apple and grape. I mean, grape is my favorite. I always wondered that when you're in a show business setting and it seems like, you know,

no matter the caliber of the production and I've been involved in a lot of different calibers of production. I've been on all sorts of deep cable calibers of production. I've been on all sorts of deep cable television shows. You were in that Steven Spielberg

movie. Right, exactly. Amistad. You were the lead in Amistad, weren't you? I was. John Amistad. Hard-boiled detective. Was that movie about slavery? I don't know. That's a porn movie that you're talking about. Right. Hard-boiled. That you were the lead in. But it a porn movie that you're talking about. Right. Hard-boiled. That you were deleted. Yeah.

But it seems like that. Men boiling their dead. Then playing them like flutes. It seems like the craft service table is always about the same on every production. And it seems like if you are on a,

you know, a nicer, you know, if you are doing something nicer, it seems like they would try harder to have something that wasn't just – Like healthier options. Costco sugar bombs. Yeah. I wonder if that's a strategy from craft service.

Like maybe that keeps people more energized or like if they just had nuts and dried fruit and, you know, things for whole foods. Well, it's also, I will say this, the people who, we've been on these things as actors. We're pretty much, I think, the only ones who are super concerned about what we're eating. Everybody else is doing actual work and carrying beams around and doing construction every single day. Yeah, it's not for you. Craft services, those tables are not for you. They're for the crew. They're eating three donuts because they're expending a lot of energy. We're just sort of memorizing lines and trying to, you know.

Make each other laugh. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Why am I eating so many donuts? Are you expending a lot of energy? Are you lifting beams? I'm not expending energy.

I'm not building anything. I'm not an actor. I don't even have a craft services table. I have to go to the donut place. Have you been to Donut Friend, by the way? That's near my house, Donut Friend. This is a store where you cut a donut in half like it was a bagel, and then you put different stuff inside.

Are you fucking me? Someone brought Donut Friend. Are you fucking me right now? Someone brought Donut Friend to the party I was at the other night, and no one was touching them, so I decided to cut them into fourths, and then everyone ate them immediately. You can eat donut sandwiches? They're so good. That's kind of my thing when there's a communal plate of donuts. cut them into fourths, and then everyone ate them immediately. You can eat donut sandwiches? That's kind of my thing when there's a communal plate of donuts.

I usually can stay away from them pretty good, but if someone has cut one in half, I will eat eight halves. Exactly. And suddenly now I have a lesson. Oh, I just ate four donuts. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I ate one that had potato. It was maple potato chips and bacon on it, and it was a dream beyond all dreams.

This is amazing. Yeah, no one's eaten a full donut on their own. We're not psychopaths. No, but you end up eating more than a full donut on your own. The calories aren't the same. If you cut a donut and then you eat the two halves later, that's about a third the calories of a total donut. What a great tip. It's never a perfect cut.

The knife takes most of those. Yeah, that's where most of the calories go, onto the knife. Onto the knife. What if I lick the knife in between the cuts? Don't do that. Then you'll get very fat. Okay, all right. I'm sorry.

I'll be careful. Donuts, huh? We've nailed it. I just keep the knife in my mouth. You keep it under your tongue in case you get into a fight. Sure. I was actually using a pizza cutter the other day at this party. So, donut friend,

what kind of stuff did they put on the donut after you slice it? Oh, they put any kind of stuff. Bavarian cream. Nutella they have, don't they? I did not actually go. I just had them at the same place. They have all kinds of shit.

Now, I have to say, I went there. I thought it was very interesting, but it wasn't good enough that it overcame my opposition to novelty foods and also they're named after punk rock bands aren't they?

I wanted it to be like really good donuts rather than really novel donuts and the donuts were fun I mean they were tasty what I had was tasty and had very interesting mixes of different stuff. I don't I'm not trying to run it down.

I just would rather have just like a regular donut. But it's totally amazing. Yeah. Than a crazy. But. Yeah. That's the only way I'm going to eat a donut, though, because someone's like, this is the best donut I've ever had. I'm going to be like, OK, cool.

I've had I've had donuts. I've never had a bad. I would want a novel more than cool. I've had donuts. I've never had a bad donut. I would want a novel more than I would want a quality. You want something stuffed with Skittles. I want something stuffed with all of the Skittles that exist. I just want a powdered sugar donut. I think that's the height of donuts. I like just regular glazed.

And I'm from the town Krispy Kreme is from. I'm from where... Krispy Kreme, Indiana. Krispy, Indiana. We're very proud we're very proud of those donuts they are very good but come on I mean donuts man

we can't just keep talking about donuts let's come back in just a second and we'll take some calls It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kumail Nanjiani, Liu Kang. Emily V. Gordon, rollercoaster of love. You know what they do at the end of the fucking book?

They go to the restaurant. There's the big closing gag. They decide to have a good meal at Louie's restaurant where they previously delivered bread. And they eat breadcrumb soup. Their favorite. That's the big gag. I don't get how is it a gag? Exactly, Camille.

Breadcrumb soup. It's because it's so on the note because they're bakers. So they like bread everything. All bread everything. All bread everything. But it's like the end of The Sopranos where you see some guy sneaking up behind Humperdinck, but then it just cuts to black. You don't know if he died or not.

They probably have a fire. They're not great with fire. They could have at least done French onion soup which is a real thing. And has croutons in it, right? And has bread in it. It's a really good soup too. I love French onion soup.

It's one of my favorite soups. My dad's favorite soup. I feel like you don't want to rub it in the face of poor kids who might be reading this book whose parents can't afford

Delakey's French onion soup. Can they afford breadcrumb soup? Probably not. Yeah, that's an expensive soup. They're making that and they're reading like choulet spaghetti. Choulet spaghetti. These are the soup? Probably not. Yeah, that's an expensive soup. They're making that, and they're eating like choulet spaghetti.

Choulet spaghetti. These are the children of hobos. Yeah. I want to take care of a little bit of business here. First and foremost, we talked about Max Funcon earlier in the program. Tickets very close to selling out. If you're looking for a last-minute holiday gift for that special someone in your life, if you are just looking to indulge yourself,

why not take one of our hot stone baths? I think we should start advertising MaxFunCon like, you know, people start advertising like low-cal pre-packaged desserts, like the sinful goodness of MaxFunCon. Treat yourself, but don't hate yourself. That's a really good idea. It's decadence. Sinfulness. Like something where there's two women eating it and they've got their legs crossed against a white background.

And when they put it in their mouth, their leg kicks up. Oh, like they just came. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Oh, wait, that's what that means? Max Fun Con. It'll make you cum. That's what my wife does when she has an orgasm. She kicks him off. She eats Yoplait.

It is so good. It is so good. It is so good. It is good. Especially that New York cheesecake flavor. Am I right? There's an orange one that I'm really fond of. Sinfully good.

I feel like I'm sinning. Sinful. It's as delicious as lying. I've been such a bad girl. Committing adultery and cheesecake. I feel like I'm coveting. My neighbor's yo play. Anyway, all of these things and more are available to you at MaxFunCon online at MaxFunCon.com.

We'll be there. Me and Jordan are going to be there teaching classes, rubbing asses. Sure. The class is in ass rubbing, I should say. Our friends from Stop Podcasting Yourself are going to be flying down from Canada. Maybe you've heard of it.

And our friends from Throwing Shade are going to be there, along with a tremendous lineup of comedians and comedy shows and all that other different kind of stuff, which will all be announced in the spring. But by then, we probably won't be able to buy a ticket.

So maxfuncon.com. It is May 30th through June 1st. Perfect time to take a couple days off work, grab an airplane down to Los Angeles, and, you know, do what you got to do. Sounds amazing. It's totally fucking amazing. You've sold me.

Great. You're in. I'm in. I'm in board. That's number one. Number two, Jordan, you and I are going to be at San Francisco Sketch Fest. We are. The in. I'm in. I'm in board. That's number one. Number two, Jordan, you and I are going to be at San Francisco Sketch Fest. The tickets just went on sale. We can finally talk about this. We're going to be at the

Eureka Theater February 8th. We're pretty sure it's February 8th. Saturday. We are pretty sure. Double check with the internet. Check that website. It's a Saturday matinee. Take your kids. Are you guys doing Meltdown up there? We are. On February 1st, we're doing the last Meltdown before we start filming our TV show.

You guys should stick around and come to Jordan, Tennessee, go the next week. That sounds great. We start shooting our show four days. Four days after that. And three days before. Postpone shooting. We'll postpone that. At an immense expense. I would love to postpone shooting.

Yeah, it's going to be super fun. Sketch Fest is always a blast. Yeah. It's going to be gorgeous. Afternoon matinee. There's some pretty great people in town. We'll probably have some pretty great special guests. You know, we're up against Brown Oler.

That guy can suck a dong. Sure. Suck a dong, Kurt Von Oler. That guy's show doesn't even have a format. What's the live version? It's true. It's a wheel that you spin all the formats and you have to pick one. Our show's got a format and it's got have a format. What's the live version? It's true. It's a wheel that you spin all the formats and you have to pick one. Our show's got a format

and it's got a live format. We do a fun little quiz with the audience. We make fun of them and then we bring them back in. Then we make fun of them a little bit, then we bring them back in. Is Brown Oller going to involve you? Probably not. Fuck you, Kurt Brown Oller. Can I leave early, Jesse? I want to see Kurt's show.

Go to sfsketchfest.com. We recommend getting tickets for our show and Kurt's show and just going back and forth. Back and forth? Get tickets for our show. Come to our show and give those tickets you bought to Kurt's show to like an animal. To make a nest. Like a small animal. Some sort of, yeah.

Or wipe your own ass with them. Yeah. But then give them to an animal. Or go fuck yourself. Yeah. Yeah, or wipe your own ass with them. Yeah, but then give them to an animal. Or go fuck yourself.

Yeah. I also want to thank, I got a number of messages from Jordan Just Ego listeners who bought Put This On Pocket Squares last week after I exhorted them to as a holiday gift idea. So thank you to all of those folks. If you want to check out Put This On's Pocket Squares, you can go to putthison.com or you can search for Put This On Pocket Square and Eatsy? Is that what it's pronounced? Yeah. E-A-T-S-E-E. Yeah, Etsy. That's how people make

weird food. Etsy. Yeah, they cook owls. Definitely Etsy, yeah. Go to Etsy.com slash owl and

slash felt. Yeah. Everything felt. Slash canvas. Yeah, I appreciate all those people. I think you will enjoy them if you have a gentleman in your life. You can also sign up for our subscription program, the Gentleman's Association, and you can have pocket squares delivered to that person every other month in their own mailbox.

So dashing. Oh. They're the most dashing. Dashing beyond words. And if your person in your life that you love is a more sporty type, we have some baseball caps available for sale as well. Oh, nice. Yeah. Got two designs.

One has a stag. One has a P for put this on. The letter P. Or if you prefer something, yes, a P. Making sure. A mighty golden stream. I was actually picturing a garden P. In felt form.

Yeah. Wait, a garden P? Like a garden P in felt form yeah wait a garden pea like a garden someone peeing in a garden like peas like peas like peas and carrots peas and carrots just one pea though just one which would be a little weird just a circle really yeah it's a green circle i mean sometimes when my when my son goes to the bathroom in the potty that's about how much pea generates pea sized pea you measure the pea after every trip to the bathroom in the potty, that's about how much pee he generates. Pee size? Pee? Pee pee. You measure the pee after every trip to the toilet? Hey, he's a little guy. Stop judging him. I note the pee.

Okay. I don't measure it. I note it. You note pee. Here's the thing. He gets a reward when he pees in the potty, so he's willing to do what it takes to pee, even if the results are less than spectacular. Oh, he's like forcing the pee.E. to get a prize.

What does he get? What are the prizes? A miniature... A huge bottle of water. He gets a mini peanut butter cup. Cute. Yeah. It's a tiny mini...

It's the kind from Trader Joe's, not the kind... Not the Reese's kind. Yeah, they're little tiny ones about the size of... God, if only I could think of a metaphor for something that's about the right size.

I wish you could. Of the amount of urine in, if only I could think of a metaphor for something that's about the right size. I wish you could. Of the amount of urine in a toilet from a young boy who wants to get a peanut butter cup. There you go. When something momentous happens to you, our listener, we ask that you call us and share it with us. Our telephone number, 206-984-4FUN.

Put it in your telephone, dummy. Don't just rely on something amazing happened to you, then you go back and listen to the show and then you write it down while you're listening. Put it in your phone fucking now so you have it. Ah, I had another sip of cranburrita. Burr, you feeling the chill? You feeling that chill?

No. Let's listen to our first call. Hey JJ Go, this is Melissa in Asheville, North Carolina. I was at a craft show all morning with a woman who has a Pokemon tramp stamp. She was working the table next to me, and every time she bent over to pick something up, I had to run and hide because I thought I was going to have a giggle fit.

What Pokemon? So, Pokemon tramp stamp, immortal power, plug it in. What Pokemon? So, Pokemon Cramstown, Immortal Power, plug it in. What Pokemon was it? You dumb bee! Now I'm picturing that it's just the ball that the Pokemon come in, which is... Oh, yeah. A Pokeball? Pokeball. I guess that is called a Pokeball, yes.

If it's Pikachu, then it's a shitty tattoo. Anything else, it feels like a choice. Okay. I like that. I hope it's a Pokemon that's strong against cum attacks. Which one would that be, Jordan? I'm going to make you

finish this. Bulbasaur. I was going to go Charizard actually myself. Speaking of picking Pokemons, we talked about the Reddit. We talked about the Reddit. We talked about this Reddit

that we sort of didn't know existed for Maximum Fun shows. Not only have Jordan Jesse Go listeners totally taken over the Reddit, but there is an extremely active What Max Fun is What Pokemon thread as demanded by you last week on the program, Jordan. I'm glad. I'm glad that exists. You going to go there and do an AMA? Maybe. Last I saw, there was about 60 people demanding that you do it. Okay, I'll do it.

When are you going to do it? What day are you going to do it? This week, right? I don't know. Maybe not this week. How's your Thursday doing? Could you just go do it? Don't you have to set it up and schedule it with them? We're going to do it on our subreddit. This is a down low AMA. You got to do it. Maybe not this week. This is a down low AMA. You got to do it. Maybe not this week.

Maybe let's look at next week. What is it going to take, Jordan? You're hesitant. Next week I'm on a veils for a commercial, guys. I don't want to be shooting this commercial and having to go back and forth between the subreddit. What kind of commercial is it?

Green Giant Brand Piece. Petite piece. It's for a certain menu item between the subreddit. What kind of commercial is it? Green Giant Brand Peas. Yeah. Petite. Petite peas. It's for a certain menu item of a certain popular fast foodery. McRib. No.

No. Okay. McFlurry. Well, McRib is the best. Yeah, that's true. Is it for blizzards? No, I wish it was for blizzards. God, that would be a great commercial.

I can get behind. Blizzards are so good. Unlimited blizzards. You get an art-directed bl can get behind. Blizzards are so good. Unlimited blizzards. You get an art-directed blizzard that somebody made look really nice. I'm feeling chicken nuggets. No. Not nuggets. Chalupas?

Not chalupas. Gorditas? No. Is it? Getting colder. Okay. French fries. No, you can't have an ad for French fries.

Yeah, you can. Everybody's got them. Well, maybe some have better than others. No, not a Whopper Whopper Jr. Whopper Jr. that's it yeah Carl's Jr.

these things are too big Jolly Burger and Jollibee it is yeah it's for it's for fast food spaghetti that is disgusting it's for

America's most beloved Filipino fast food chain Jollibee with their B-lo are you gonna be able to tell us or do you want us to guess oh I don't know I don't know what the rules about that are I don't know if I'm sure that you can tell I don't know if and Jollibee. Are you going to be able to tell us? Or do you want us to guess?

Oh, I don't know what the rules about that are. I don't know if Madison Avenue types listen to this podcast. I bet they do. I'll tell you guys off, Mike. Just so you're safe. I don't know the rules. It's Jollibee. It's Jollibee.

Let's take another call. That's bullshit, though, Jordan. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is John, New York City. In the middle of our first big snowfall of the year, and I just saw a man walking down the street, walking a big yellow lab,

and the lab had been trained to hold an umbrella in its mouth. And I thought that was pretty momentous of the show. Thanks. That's adorable. Wait. It can hold it upright. It's holding it for itself, not of the show. Thanks. That's adorable. Wait. You can hold it upright. It's holding it for itself

not for the man. I don't think it's holding it upright. I think it's just holding a folded umbrella. That's not what I saw. I pictured full on a curved handle

and somehow his mouth is fitting around in the curved handle so that it is upright covering his own head. That's what I pictured. I pictured, do you remember

Pamela Anderson from Baywatch? From literally everything. Are you joking? I picture her. She's got her... You know how she had big bazongas? Yeah. Totally bare, like completely uncovered.

Oh, Jesse, I'm sorry. I don't mean to correct you because I know you hate that, but they were bazooms. The other girl had the bazongas. Yeah. What was her name? Nobody knows. Oh, yeah.

Nicole something. Carmen Electra? Was she on Baywatch? She was. Okay. David Hasselhoff. She had T-tas.

She had T-tas? Mm-hmm. And then, yeah, go ahead. That's all I got. She's naked and that's what I was picturing while you guys were picturing this dog.

Why wouldn't they just have that hat that's an umbrella? Put that on the dog. Because regular hats don't fit on dogs normal. Get a dog hat umbrella. It's a new business, really. Maybe with the pocket squares and hats, you could also make a hat for a dog that is also an umbrella. Now that you guys are going to have your own television program on the Comedy Central Network, you guys can kick in

a little of the capital funding for this dog hat umbrella situation. I'm willing. Totally willing. Even without the show, I would be willing. That's how much I believe in the idea. Adjustable strap

for different breeds? It's got to be adjustable strap. Oh, can you imagine like a little Boston Terrier wearing one of those? It would be cute. It would be cute. We should have one hat

for each category. One sporting cap. You know, one... You know what I'm talking about? Cowboy hats, yeah. Railroad conductor. Yeah. So like for the hipster dogs.

Yeah. Trucker hat, yeah. Are we doing cat hats at all? No. No. Oh, all right. Fair enough. They're called, yeah.

No. Guys, I don't mean to, cats don't want to wear hats. Yeah, because dogs do. Yeah, dogs love wearing hats. Dogs love hats more than anything. I want to, by the way, follow up on- My favorite band was Dog Hat. Do you guys remember them?

Continue, Jesse. A week in first, I believe it was- Like a dude shrooms in the parking lot of the Dog Hat concert. It was on this program that we discussed dog shoes, right? Dogs wearing shoes. So I want to be clear. Several people emailed or Twittered me to be like, dog shoes? What the hell?

That's one step too far. No. And a number of other people were kind enough to share in the forum and elsewhere that dog shoes are important and necessary when you live in icy conditions. When you have some because of the salt. Yeah. Yeah. Because it cuts up their pads.

It hurts their little feet. You have to put shoes on your dog. Which tracks with what I said, which is they have to wear special shoes for the Iditarod. Yeah. They do. They wear Reebarks. Can I just make a door slamming sound? Males number one! Males number one!

Oh, man. That's great. Everybody's trying to think of another dog. We all know that, right? We're all thinking of dog shoe puns right now. I was thinking of Pamela Anderson's wee-was. Wait, her wee-was? Yeah, her... Is that her vagina? Yeah, it's her vagina.

Her labia? The lips of her vagina. That's the lips. Let's take another call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Josh from Western Massachusetts, Colorado, Memphis, and Keenan. I was driving on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway into New York City,

when I realized I desperately had to pee. Realizing that in gridlock traffic I had very few options, I took a liter-large water bottle that I had in the car and burnt a hole in the side of it with a lighter to stick my penis into it to urinate into the bottle. This was followed by a moment of shame, where as I pulled my penis out of the water bottle, now filled with urine, it spurted urine all over my pants, hoodie, and hands. So there you have it.

Even more fitting, I believe I was listening to Jordan Jesse go while this happened. So, thanks so much. I can explain this using science. Please do. He burnt explain this using science. Please do. He burnt the hole in there. He was listening to Jordan Jesse go. Stuck his dick in, started to urinate. He continued to listen to Jordan Jesse go.

Got hard as a diamond. When he pulled it out, it caused a suction cup. Sure. Yeah. And it exploded the urines. Huh. It exploded the urines. I never thought of this, but I guess car lighters are exactly the diameter.

Penis circumference. Yeah. No, but isn't also the lid, the opening to the bottle, the same size as a car light? I don't know why he didn't use the opening to the bottle. Do we know this? You might have an especially thick penis. If that's the case, then the lighter wouldn't work for you either. Well, you'd have to do four or five burns.

Yeah, I mean, you can, you know, you can spread it around. You can spread that around? Yeah. Trust me, Jordan knows. Yeah, as a guy with a thick penis. I've burned a lot of bottles. As a man with a thick, short penis. I've burned a lot of bottles with cigarette lighters.

As a man with a stumpy dwarf of a penis. Yeah, his dick is the thickness of a cranberry-da-can. Sure. I'm at once horrified by this and also jealous that I can't do such things. So there you go. Just because I can do it doesn't mean I ever will. I'm never going to pee in a bottle. You could.

Yeah, but I won't. Well, thank you. Will you make me that promise here and now, my husband? You've used those pee funnels, right? No. At camp? Nobody has used pee funnels. Pee funnels at camp?

I don't know what you're talking about. What the fuck are you talking about? Are you thinking of space? Would astronauts go into space? No. Are you thinking of long-haul trucking camp? Or that lady, that astronaut lady who just wore the diapers? I don't.

When women, when they go camping, don't they have funnels? No, you just squat. You squat and make the best of it. There was a girl I. You squat and make the best of it. There was a girl I... You squat and make the best of it. It's like most things in life. There's a girl I went to college with who her brand of feminism was that she would stand to urinate. And we said, when you're in our house, my roommate and I were like, you have to pee.

You have to find some way to do this that is not disgusting. Yeah, it never gets in the toilet. So she peed in the funnel from our kitchen because we told her to do something about this. And that was her solution was to go to our kitchen, take our plastic towel. How effective was her stand-up peeing? Not very until she got the funnel because it would splatter. Women would kind of have to spread their legs and sort of straddle the toilet. You have to straddle the toilet.

I use my peen to point it in. Yeah. Exactly. We don't have that. But it just falls straight down, so you kind of stand over the toilet with your legs spread. And then it goes everywhere. Can you control it better with kegels? Probably.

This girl had a loose pussy. I don't know for sure. But we were so grossed out. And she was like, I'll just wash it. And I was like, you're never going to get this funnel clean enough. This funnel is yours now. You shouldn't be peeing on other people's kitchen implements to make your point. Make any point.

Especially not your feminism point. I could see if you had a funnel that you brought around with you. I'd be like, okay. Can I say something? That's what happened to our funnel. It became the pee funnel. Oh, her pee funnel. Yeah.

Great. Gross. So, baby, that's what I'm thinking of. I was friends with the wrong people in college. Did she write bikini kill on the side of it? You know she probably did. Where did you go? Bard or Hampshire?

Which finishing school were you at when this happened? Neither. Neither. These were girls who would also cook food for homeless people but insisted on only cooking the homeless people vegan food. They were like, they need the protein. They would turn down meat that was donated to them so that they could make them another eggplant farm. A lot of vegan homeless people out there.

Yeah. In North Carolina specifically, until their parents apologize to them, they will remain homeless. And then they will go home. Same in Portland. Well, anyway, we've had a lot of fun. 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Dessy. Go. Anyway, we've had a lot of fun. 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mel Nangeni, Liu Kang. Emily V. Gordon, roller coaster of love. Emily Kumail, it's been a delight to have you on the program Thanks so much for having me We've had fun You guys have not only your podcast, The Indoor Kids

On which Jordan is a frequent guest, by the way We thank you for We thank you for hosting Jordan in that manner We welcome that This has gotten too formal He's had a lot of catchphrases that he's contributed to the show. What's an example? Toodle lap.

What's that? It's what you put on your lap to make cats sit on your lap and also... Kind of sounds like pussy. Kind of sounds like pussy. She's got a bad case of toodle lap. That's not good.

You don't want to put a rubber on that one. Okay. Indoor Kids is a really fun show. I think you'll like it. There's great comic gems like the one you just heard. Video games and other things related to that. Yeah. This is a delightful program.

Start with a Jordan episode, then branch out into another person's guest episode. Yeah. No, listen to the Tom Bissell episodes first. Those are better than mine. Yeah, Dan Harmon's listen to the Tom Bissell episodes first. Those are better than mine. Yeah, Dan Harmon's are good. Tom Bissell is a genuine genius. He's so great, isn't he? Maybe he can come to Max Funcon.

He had to cancel at the last minute last year because he had a book due. Yeah. The room book that you interviewed him about on, yeah, it was due the Monday after Max Funcon, so he had to cancel. That's a good reason. They established that timeline, but yeah, that guy's a genuine genius. He's the best. Okay, so that's number one.

Number two, you're going to have a new television. Oh! Sorry. Final cranberry-da. Number two, you're going to have this television program on Comedy Central. When are we looking? Spring? We're probably looking...

Summer? Summer. They're not telling us. Early summer. Probably early summer. We're filming it in February. And it's a stand-up show that I run and that Kamala and Jonah Ray host. And it happens every Wednesday.

I mean, it's been happening for three years now. So you can come see it, the live version, or you can wait until we get on TV and say that you knew us when. Jordan has been on it as well. I have been on it. It's been a lot of fun. with Jonah and Kamau. Yep.

I have my framed Meltdown poster. It's a cherished item in my house. We have a hundred and something of those. Three years. Meltdown. The Meltdown with Jonah and Kamau. Comedy Central program. And Jonah,

you're going to be on this Silicon Valley Mike Judge show. That's pretty exciting. Yeah, I'm really excited about that at HBO. I think it's going to come on in April, which I'm very, very, very excited about. That's pretty stoked about that. You know what I really like? Extract.

Oh, yeah. Everything he's done has been amazing. He's got a lot of zeitgeisty stuff. Mike Judge is very zeitgeisty, which I appreciate. Judge don't make no stinkers. Judge don't make no stinkers. He don't. no stinkers. He don't. Idiocracies. Oh, I love idiocracies. I like idiocracies.

It's not a stinker. It's not a stinker. It's got enough. That is far from a stinker. I mean, it's, you know. It's a disaster. How about this? A disaster.

Delightful. And by the way. It has a lot of really funny things. He admits that it is a disaster and it was due to things outside of his control. I believe it. I'm quite sure. I'm quite sure. Yeah.

I just don't want anyone else to tell me about how amazing it is when all of his other movies are actually amazing. Yeah. I get that. And this one just happens to be the one that has the concept that's fun to tell people about. Such a fun concept. His budget got cut while they were filming,

so he couldn't actually finish the movie he wanted to make. Terry Crews is pretty amazing. Terry Crews is great. He's fantastic in it, fantastic in it. Scarface is decent in it, but it's exciting that Scarface is in it. For me. I'm just like, hey, it's Scarface.

One of my favorite rappers. Okay, so your Scarface from the Ghetto Boys, Kumail. We had someone from the Ghetto Boys, by the way, on set one day just hanging out. Which one? Very, very exciting. Willie D? Yes, Kumail. We had someone from the Ghetto Boys, by the way, on set one day just hanging out. Which one? Very, very exciting. Willie D? Yes, Willie D.

Great guy. Really, really nice guy. I'm a big Ghetto Boys fan. If you're willing to forgive him the mail fraud that he went to jail for. I am. That's a funny thing for a rapper to go to jail for. Just recently. What did he do?

He just got out of jail maybe a year and a half ago. What did he do? He did a giant mail fraud ring of some kind. Something about stealing credit card numbers and... Really? Yeah.

I don't buy it. Which I had to go to jail for like two years. He broke into Mail Time. Willie D was framed. You're breaking his heart right now. He does seem like a good guy. Great guy, great guy.

He did ask for my credit card. Just to see it. I just want to do his quick number trick. Great guy. Great guy. He did ask for my credit card. Just to see it. I just want to do this quick number trick. Great guy. Great guy. Anyway, guys, it's been fun. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. I guess we just have to keep clicking on upvote on the Maximum Fun Reddit for Jordan to do his fucking AMA.

I said I would do it. When are you going to do it? Next week. I'll do it next week are you going to do it? Next week. I'll do it next week. If you're listening to this on Monday. The week between Christmas and New Year's? Yeah. When everybody's on vacation.

When everybody's on Reddit. Hanging out. It's true. They will be. Looking at upskirt pics. Yeah. How about the first week of 2014? Sure.

We can do it then. Whatever you think. You're the Reddit expert. Well, I think we should do it this week, but apparently you've I'm on a veils! You have a veils for the McFlurry. Yeah. Specifically the Reese's McFlurry. Is it really?

It's not. Oh, it's not. Blizzards are so good. They're so terrible for you. Well, because they give you like the smallest one is like a pound of ice cream. It's great. Plus a whole pack of the candy.

Yeah, it's great. Great, great, great. Okay. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. Brian Fernandez is our producer. Jennifer Marmer on the boards this week. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. MaximumFun.org.

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