Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 305: Mama Egg Nog with Nadia Kamil

Episode Date: December 23, 2013

Comedian Nadia Kamil joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of holiday drinks, Catherine Zeta Jones' piano, and Wales.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a lovely day in Los Angeles. I'm feeling the Yuletide spirit. Just had a holiday party here at the office. Oh, how'd that go? Sorry you weren't invited. It's Nick's fault. Oh, okay.

Senior producer of Bullseye, Nick White, sent out the invitation. And I think he just doesn't like you. That's fair. I am unpleasant. Well, certainly in a social situation. Ugh, boy, I'm the worst. I mean, in a professional context. I'm a delight. But yeah. the worst i mean in a professional context i'm a delight but yeah absolutely i mean you are a masseur so professionally you you know give physical pleasure to others yeah but yeah in

a social situation you can be a real disappointment how'd it go how did the uh how did the holiday party go did anybody any uh any photocopies of butts any like classic holiday party shenanigans, lampshades on the head. I told Jennifer. Liaisons in the coat room. Jennifer is our administrator, office administrator. And I told her, here, take the company credit card. I gave her the company credit card. I'm not afraid to do that. I trust Jennifer.

But it's just a frozen yogurt punch card, right? Take the company. Buy five frozen yogurts, bring the free one back here, and we'll all share it. I gave her the company credit card. We took a look in the closet to see what kind of liquor we had. We had some rum. So we brought in some vodka. We decided to use the rum.

Sent her off. And I told her, Jennifer, buy the eggnog that comes in a glass bottle. Wow. That's how we fucking roll here. I'm not afraid to get top shelf eggnog. Especially if I already have the rum just lying around and I don't have to buy that. You're not afraid to go big with the inexpensive part of it.

Yeah. Hey, this nog, I'm not trying to brag. Yeah. Technically I am. Yeah. $6 nog? $7 nog? I don't even know. That's how little I care about how much this nog cost and the extraordinary quality.

I just said get the best. That's what my office deserves. I care about these people. I love these people. I know about their families, their wives, their children. This is not like Kirkland's signature nog. Absolutely not. This is the Grey Goose of nogs. Wow. This is the Grey Goose of nogs.

Wow. This is the Ciroc of nogs. I hear if you got, I mean, this might be a little bit of an urban legend, but I hear if you get Kirkland's signature nog and just pour it into a Brita, it will come out like Grey Goose. Oh, really? Grey Goose vodka. I got the Diddy nog. Yeah. Diddy has a nog.

Yeah. I went ahead and got a nog. Yeah, because you hoped that like Aaron Paul would show up and you guys would just start partying. There wasn't enough people to fill the space enough to the point where people could get wasted. Yeah. Because Nick just sent out the invitation to the people who work directly within the office. If he had sent it also to Brian and Aaron, Nate DeMeo, you know, Nate DeMeo is going to come here and get hammered.

Sure. You know what I mean? You think Ricky Carmona is not going to get smashed at this party? I would be, I would frankly be a little worried if he showed up. If Ricky Carmona came to my office party and by the end of the office party, no one had a lampshade on their head you would consider him a failure i would consider my whole enterprise a failure maximum fun incorporated do you have just spare lampshades laying around for parties sure you should just

bring out and just place them strategically all over the office i also like to use those ikea little uh just those little tea candles you You know what I'm talking about? Just little things. It's the little touches that make parties special. So tea candles and then stray lampshades that are not on lamps. Right. So you put the tea candles inside a larger brown paper bag. It gives a really nice effect.

And then what I try and do is I try and have a lot of permanent markers in case anyone passes out. That's great. And then you can – For dicks, mustaches. Right. All the important stuff. Sure. Should we introduce our guest into this conversation? I'd love to.

Because I'm very interested. She is not from our nation. So I want to know about the nog of her nation. The nog or nogs of her nation. She is a stand-up comedian. She lives in London, England. She is originally from Wales. Her name is Nadja Camille.

Hi, Nadja. How are you? Hello. I'm all right. Thanks. I think it's fair to say, Jordan, I don't know if you knew this, that Nadja is the premier Welsh Iraqi comedian in the world. Congratulations. That's amazing.

Top Google results. What is – now, nog is a – I mean, nog seems so British to me. Just the word nog seems like it would be a British thing. But also a dessert liquor that includes eggs also seems very British. It's not a British. But also a dessert liquor that includes eggs also seems very British. Oh, it's not very British. We don't really have it. It's only a recent thing

that's really happened in the UK. Really? I mean, if we have... You can't really buy it. Where do you get it then? You have to make it. You have to make eggnog at home? Yeah, so I made it one year

for our Christmas party that we had. It's hard to make. But it did garner me the moniker Mama Eggnog at home? Yeah, so I made it one year for our Christmas party that we had. It's hard to make. But it did garner me the moniker Mama Eggnog. And that's something you use it year round. Yes! People still call you Mama Eggnog. I made it too last year and it was really good and I don't typically like nog. It could have just been

the satisfaction of having made something that made me like it a little bit more. But yeah, I enjoyed the homemade nod. You have to be careful because you're basically making a custard. Right. You don't want to have that thing happen. You're basically making a bowl of potential salmonella. Well, it depends on to what extent you're heating it or not. Oh, I use chicken breasts in mine.

Excellent. I just use raw chicken breasts. But you definitely don't want that situation where the egg goes in and it turns into little pieces of egg. Sure. Yeah. Well, you're just using the whites, aren't you, from what I recall? Yeah. You have to separate the yolks from the whites.

Yeah. It's made like the first step. And, of course, this nation was very good at that. Separating the whites. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's a great strength of ours. And then I made a whole separate dish.

It was just the yolks and then ranch dressing. And then you take that like a shot. and then i made a whole separate dish it was just it was just the yolks and then ranch dressing and then you take that like a shot it's called a fieri you know when we when we separate the when we when we separated when we back when we separated the whites more consistently in this great nation i found that the yolks always seemed happier to me i didn't hear any complaints from them that's's true. Yeah. No one was singing the yellows. And they sang and they lived with Christ. Seems pretty good to me. Yeah.

Also, what's the deal with a man's anus, huh? Seems really gross. I just want to clarify for anyone listening in the future, you will hopefully have forgotten about the topical reference that we're making right now. Yeah. forgotten about the topical reference that we're making right now. Yeah. To the ill-considered comments of a man from a pseudo-reality television comedy.

But just know that these are in the spirit of topical satire and not our actual opinions about egg yolks. Let's be clear. This isn't just about egg yolks. Let's be clear. This isn't just about egg yolks. Are there holiday... Are there... Two questions, Nadja. Yeah. Number one.

I like how you say my name to rhyme with nausea. Number one question is, do you... In England, are there any dairy cocktails of note? Well, Advoca is a very popular drink. What is it? I don't really have any idea what it is.

Advoca is like an, it's like eggnog, but it's a liqueur. It's an eggnog liqueur? It is like, it's like a dairy eggy liqueur. It just comes out ofog liqueur? It's like a dairy eggy liqueur. It just comes out of the bottle like that? Yeah. And it's yellowy colored and it's very viscous. And people like it?

It's a great time in a bottle. Is it just, what's the context for drinking it? Is it like a... I think it's quite a European thing, actually. You drink it if you went, it's like a very apres-ski type beverage. Oh, like it's something you would have in Milan or in the French Alps, perhaps. In the Alps, yeah. It's like an alpine type of beverage. God, I'd love a nice alpine beverage right now.

Something mulled. We do a lot of mulled stuff, yeah. We mull a lot of stuff. What are we doing? You've of mulled stuff, yeah. We mull a lot of stuff. What are we doing? You got mulled colas. You got your mulled, do you have holiday Pepsi? Oh, mulled Pepsi, yeah. That's the mulled taste of a new generation.

Mulled Sprite. There's a kind of a shady bar by my house that clearly doesn't have a liquor license. And they just, you know, it seems like it's a place that is always on the verge of being shut down. Like it'll just be closed randomly. What is it bar like? Is it a bar or is it just a neighbor that you won't leave alone? Yes, this is a homeless man who sometimes gives me swigs out of his 40. When I was in London actually not that long ago, there was a group of people trying to convince me to go to a Jamaican man's house where he served liquor all night. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean this is a storefront. I think they call it a social house. And they have like a, you know, they have a weird night. It's like they had Canadian night where they just serve Labatt's and then play Trailer Park Boys on the big screen TV, which is pretty fun. Wait, do they have like a traditional big screen TV? That's what I'm picturing. Oh, yeah. Like a deep, like a rear projection big screen.

No, they have an actual TV, which seems like the most money they've spent on anything in this place. And when I went in there a couple of nights ago, they had like a crock pot filled with mulled wine. Well, you got to figure they also spent a fair amount of money clearing the rights to trailer park boys. Sure, for public. Yeah, for public use.

I mean, the CBC is quite litigious. Yeah. You can't just. When you get out to the maritime provinces, you're going to have a lot of hard times with clearing public use. Right. OK. Here's question number two for you, Nadia. What are some traditional holiday beverages of the United Kingdom?

And if you'd like, you can share specifically Welsh holiday beverages. Oh, holiday beverages. What about Thanksgiving? What do you guys drink for Thanksgiving? What do you drink on the 4th of July? No, I drink a lot on the 4th of July

because it's my grandmother's birthday and she's famously a drunkard. Oh, good. Do you also shoot off fireworks? Yes. But the thing is, we're allowed to buy fireworks

whenever we like. This is the difference. Like, you love fireworks, right? But you're not allowed to buy them and just set them off in your garden, which is what we do every 5th of November. Wow. What happens...

Wait, what's the 5th of November? Fireworks Day? Guy Fawkes Day. Yes, thank you, Jesse. Wait, it actually is Guy Fawkes Day? Remember, remember, the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason, and plot.

Sorry, guys. I'm no... Listen, I'm no member of Anonymous, so I like to stay out of all that stuff. Sure. I can understand that. I can't believe you don't know the rhyme. I'm no hacktivist, okay? You just like to hang out at a Jamaican guy's house.

Yeah, who's illegally serving liquor. You can drink all night long. Did you know this, Jordan? This is something I learned the most recent time I was in London. In the UK, they have something called a bank holiday, which we also have here in the United States. It's like everyone gets it off work. It's like all the federal workers, they all have it off work, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And in the UK, how many of these have you gotten, Nadia?

I think there's about 15 or something. Like 15, roughly 15. I went to some sources I have in the UK. They told me roughly 15 of these bank holidays. I have about 15 bonk holidays a year where I play Bonk's Adventure for the TurboGrafx-16. Can you say that more clearly? There's no reason to. Yeah, he probably... There's no reason to. Yeah, he should.

There's no reason to. It's not worth the time. Because I have 365 bonk holidays. And bonk meaning the British word to bank. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Nice.

That means that she takes 365 days a year off from having sex. Off having sex. Sure, yeah. Just relax, you know. Bank holidays in England are not in honor of anything. Yeah. They just figure people need more days off. And so you just get it's like, oh, we get Monday off.

Why is that? I don't want to work. That's great. Their government has agreed on a group of days where they don't want to work. But they're not all – no. Some of them have a history behind them. So some of them are like Easter Monday is a bank holiday. I mean I bet it says rickety or reason for a holiday as like President's Day or something.

Columbus Day. But I mean – I mean those I, technically celebrate something. Columbus Day, you're celebrating one of the greatest Italian-American genocide purveyors outside of Mussolini. He's not Italian-American. Although, you know, later, I would, if bygones, let bygones be bygones, is my motto. You would gladly welcome Christopher Columbus. Yeah, or Mussolini. Either of them.

I say let's do it. You know, if they can pass the citizenship exam. It's a tough test. Big tent. It's a tough test. Yeah, absolutely. So they just get a day off for nothing. Yeah.

Like some of them. Like August Bank Holiday is a day off for nothing. August Bank Holiday is basically a day off because they went, whoa, summer is long. Couldn't you just name it after that tennis guy that's so good? Andrew Murray. Yeah. Just name it after him. Call it Andy Murray Day.

Every day is Andy Murray Day in my life. He's an athletic and handsome young man. I believe it. And I'm a big tennis fan. I believe it. And I'm a big tennis fan. In fact, I went to the World Tour Finals of the O2 last year. This is an arena in London, England.

This is in the United Kingdom, the westernmost part of Europe. After he'd won the Olympics, and I shouted out from the crowd, come on the Olympic champion. And somebody on the BBC commentary said about my voice, oh, well, somebody needs to be in school. Screw you. I have got two degrees. I haven't been in school long enough. And he was making a comment about my voice sounding young. I like that you formalized it in that way by rather than saying come on champ or something like that you said come on the olympic champion because it's a big deal it only happens every four years in your mind was the capitalized every word was capitalized

right even even come on even on especially on Especially on. Oh, wow. Both the O and the N. Jordan, are you on board? You weren't on board with Nog before? No, I mean, I liked making it myself. That was kind of fun. It was kind of a listener heard me complain about Nog and sent me this nice recipe

and I liked it. It was really fun to do but I don't think I would just have Nog. It is a lot of eggs. Yeah. I also don't like sweet alcoholic drinks to me. Don't party. I mean, I like a margarita with Mexican food, but that's about it as far as sweet alcohol

drinks. I only drink sweet alcoholic drinks. Sure. Give me a Coke and Coke. Coke with a splash of Coke. Yeah, just a little. And a little grenadine. Just a little. And a little grenadine. Just a touch.

Throw a little grenadine in there. Just a touch. And just a couple maraschino cherries, six or eight. Sure. And then just, yeah, top that off with some Mrs. Butterworth. You got a cocktail. It's called a fieri, anyway. Even Brian wasn't with you that time.

Yeah. Come on, Brian. Listen harder and appreciate me more. Yeah, I know. I feel like with alcohol, there's already a little bit of a headache potential there, and then just adding a ton of sugar just makes it worse. Anyway, that's my feeling. I'm sorry if it's controversial.

It is basically a boozy, uncooked meringue. Sure. Yeah. I would rather do a shot of vodka and then eat a slice of pie. Like, that sounds kind of fun to me. There was a time when- Vodka, chase it with pie. There was a time, like, when cocktails were invented in, you know, 1790 or 1805 or whatever,

they were all dairy-based. Sure, yeah. I think that's great. Just half and half. I think we should open a bar once we get our period gay bar open. Sure. Once we get that handled. And the 50s NASA bar.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we have two bar ideas. We're going to do a period gay bar called Dorothy's. You got to get John Taffer in here to help us with these. I know. We really – but you know what? These are surefire successes. I don't even think we need help.

Yeah. We just need a small business administration loan. I would like to be yelled at by John Taffer for a couple minutes, though. I think... I'd like to see his one sport coat. This is our path to success. We go into the bank. We sit down with the bank manager.

You guys have bank managers with the bank manager. You guys have bank managers in the UK probably. No. No one manages the bank. It's like an anarchist collective, right? I don't know if you've heard of the global financial crisis. You fired your managers? It's because we didn't have any managers.

Oh, so UK is responsible just because of these willy-nilly banks. You know who I had blamed for it? The dad from Mary Poppins. Mr. Banks. Yes. I think we just go down. We sit down with the bank manager. We let him know the whole thing about Dorothy's.

It's a pre-Stonewall gay bar. And it's sort of driving idea. You can do anything as long as it's behind a newspaper. He gives us the go-ahead. That's sold. We put that up. We put it, maybe license it, franchise it out a little bit like a KFC type situation. Okay.

It'll probably be even more popular in Southeast Asia, just like KFC is. And then we move on to the NASA one. And then the third one is all dairy cocktails. Exclusively dairy cocktails. And there's a cow at the bar. It's called Grossies. Come on into Grossies where everything's a little bit gross. Is it called Moo Cow?

Probably. Are cows allowed in bars? I mean, not if they're chewing. It's November 18th. Yeah. Not if they're chewing their cud though. 21, this is America. Yeah. Yeah, but if they're chewing. If they're over 18. Yeah. Not if they're chewing their cud though. 21. This is America. Yeah.

Yeah, but it's a cow. No, you're right. Three stomachs. Nobody's going to. That's true. Yeah, it's probably hard to get fucked up when you've got three stomachs. So they probably drink a lot. Do you think it's easier to get fucked up?

Because you're processing everything so much. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, maybe. Do you get more and more fucked up each time it goes through your stomach? I think maybe if they've just really filled up on grass.

Yeah. Right. Maybe it would be less of a problem. Right. But then you can also just push them over and that will fuck them up.

That's true. Yeah, well, I mean, it'll break their ribs and lead them to die. Yep. So there's that. Well, anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Go.

Justin, what are you doing? I'm strapping a chicken to my arm. Heard there's some plague out west, so I just wanted to get out ahead of it. Justin, if you'd ever listen to our medical history podcast, Sawbones, where we talk about everything from trepanation to bloodletting, you would know that that is a ridiculous idea and it will never work. Sawbones? I haven't caught it. Sawbones? Yes, it's every Friday

on the Maximum Fun Network and we record it together. You need a doctor or something? Yes! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. I'm Nadia Kamal, Welsh and Iraqi comedian. It's a literal nickname, but it's fun. It's fun, it's true.

Also, aka Mama Eggnog. Mama Eggnog is pretty much perfect, so let's stick with that. Nadia, I don't know a lot about whales. Is there anything I should know about whales? There's a lot you should know about whales.

Baleen. There's toothed whales. Yeah, a lot you should know about whales. Baleen. There's toothed whales. Yeah, toothed and baleen whales. Oh, guys. Sorry. In the history of Jordan, Jesse, go. I think we have made baleen jokes. Probably we've done 300 episodes.

Yeah. Got to be 75 baleen jokes. Oh, at least. Supercut. Someone make a supercut. I mean, if you include Krill jokes. And I do. And I do.

Which are sort of, I mean, you go A, B, C, and you get to Baleen. Yeah. If you're talking Krill, you're going to be talking Baleen shortly thereafter. I mean, if you've got any sense in your head. You're not a goddamn asshole. You're not the kind of jerk that celebrates a holiday for no reason. Poof. Okay, let's get back to Wales.

What's going on in Wales? Where's Wales? Wales is part of the United Kingdom, but it is not England. No, it's different. Yeah, very different. We hate each other. It's the home of Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yes. In fact, her dad is friends with my dad's.

Are you friends with her? I was once asked to babysit her kids. Wow. Yeah. Also, she's got a big white grand piano in her house in the Mumbles that automatically plays songs if you put a CD in. Wow, that sounds good. Like any CD and it will just play a piano version of it? I think so. But I'm not sure.

You'll have to ask my dad. Also, he may have been lying. I think it has to be a CD that is designed to make piano. It's like a data CD. Gotcha. You can't just put in punk and drub like a test play. You hear a beautiful piano version of it. That's one of the songs on Punk and Drublik, right?

The Entertainer? Yeah, yes, yeah. That would be a good party piece, though. No, I think that would be fun. So why wouldn't it be that? Are there any pop punk bands dedicated to the music of Scott Joplin? Oh, yeah, the Stride Pianos, they're called. Oh, and their rival band, The Sting.

Sure. Yeah, exactly. I don't think so. But yeah, I think there should be more pre-jazz in the world of punk rock. Yeah. Okay. So number one, all Welsh people know Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yeah, pretty much.

That's kind of strange because I feel like she's, you know, Wales' most prominent celebrity. Is there a more prominent celebrity from Wales? Well, it's because she's also quite proud of coming from Wales. When she won the Oscar,

she said to everybody back home in Swansea, South Wales, I love you, this is for you. And I remember that because I took it personally. But there are other people who are... Now you still check your mailbox

for the Oscar. Yeah. Or your little piece of Oscar that she chips off. Yeah, my shaving of it. There are people who are Welsh but don't really talk about it, like Christian Bale. Oh, okay. Oh, interesting. But you wouldn't want Christian Bale to talk about it.

Wow. That guy seems a little mental. You think he might ruin our reputation. That guy seems like he's got some shit going on. Yeah. I mean, not that, I mean, Catherine Zeta-Jones is on record as having some shit going on, but Christian Bale seems like the nasty kind. Yeah.

I don't think there's been tapes of her freaking out about not getting the right CDs for her piano. Yeah, but it's funny that that is the most prominent Welsh celebrity, but you also have a connection to her. Like, I bet if you didn't know her, you probably would be annoyed with people saying, oh, have you ever met Catherine Zeta-Jones? But we're from the same town. That's why we're from the same town. And also in Wales, if you're called David, you're known as Di.

Like, everyone's called Di. So her dad is called David, but his nickname is Di Hollywood. Because of his daughter. My dad's always sort of going to play golf with Di Hollywood, which is quite funny. Yeah, it seems like somebody, yeah, it seems like a guy who changes his name because he's in a rockabilly band. Di Hollywood. He didn't change it. He plays stand-up bass for a psychobilly band or something.

They've all got nicknames. My dad's friend says Effing Todd. Let's talk more about your dad. This guy sounds tremendous. He's really funny. There's also his friend Simps, who's called Simps because his nickname was Simple. But he didn't like that. But he's fine with Simps.

He doesn't like Simps. He's like, no, no, simps is good. Let's go with that. Yeah. Sounds like a pretty sophisticated response to that problem. So you mentioned that the countries hate each other. Can you trace that back to anything or is it just one of those things that exist? Yes, you can trace it back to the fact that the English were sort of horrendous,

oppressive, violent aggressors. But the fact that the English were sort of horrendous, aggressive, violent aggressors, they sort of took over Wales, forced all of the natives to the forests. So it's not just like, oh, you know, different pizza crust or something like that. No, it's like Braveheart. That happened, but in Wales, and there's just not been a film about it. No, huh. Done by an anti-Semite. You should find an anti-Semite to make that film.

Maybe Christian Bale can get involved. You could find it. I mean, he's got some interesting opinions about Jewishness. Can I make a suggestion? Yes, please. Why don't you find a Semite to make it? Like Mel Brooks, maybe? Sure. Do they make as aggressive films?

Woody Allen? Woody Allen to make it? Could be one of his more serious ones but with moments of humour there'd be some women in it

kissing each other who's the great hero of Wales Owen Glyndwr he was the he was the defender of Wales that sounds like

that could also be an alcoholic Christmas drink oh well you're probably right because dwr means water. Oh, okay. You could have an O-Wein-Gling Dur.

You don't remember that, Jordan, from when we went on that distillery tour? I don't. I basically walked into that thing fucked up. So I don't remember any of it. I did some MDMA before. That explains why everything. I kept smelling. You know, they give you the scotches to nose.

And I was smelling each of them. They all smelled like Vicks VapoRub to me. Yeah, right. I couldn't figure out why. How did you put on some Vicks VapoRub? Jordan had after he did the MDMA. Oh, I see. Yeah.

So, okay. So we got this. So what is the hero of Wales? What is he famous for? He's famous for defending Wales against the English. Okay. He's famous for revitalizing the Batman franchise. Yeah.

Did it work when he defended Wales against the English? Yeah, but for a tiny bit. How long? What are we talking about? 50 years? 20 minutes. 20 minutes? Wow.

No, it was some years, but I haven't read about it for a while. How long? What are we talking about? 50 years? 20 minutes. 20 minutes? Wow. No, it was some years, but I haven't read about it for a while. Come on. Let's get that elementary school juices flowing. If you want me to talk about the Miwok Indians of the San Francisco Bay Area, I will. When it comes down to abalone shells, I can handle this. Okay, great. So let's talk about we got number one hero down. National food?

We have a few foods. Seaweed. You know, a lot of more and more nations, their people are eating more than one food these days. Well, Wales didn't for a very long time. What was the one thing? Just seaweed? Seaweed, just seaweed. It's the same seaweed as the Japanese eat.

Oh. Nori. But they have it dried. We boil it until there's no goodness left in it and just eat it as a mush. That's why the Welsh are known as Europe's manatees. And that's manatees. And that's called lava bread. Lava bread? Lava bread, yeah.

When it's a mush? When it's a mush. Now it's not a bread. No, it's not. It's a little trick. Okay, that's number... Are there other national foods? Cockles. Cockles are like... Those are like mussels, right? You would eat cockles and lava bread together even. Oh.

Sprinkle the cockles above. You pickle the cockles in vinegar. Pickled cockles. Yeah, generally. You pickle them in, it's like, I'm not mistaken in that it's like a bivalve, right? They're very little. Yeah. And do you, when you pickle them in vinegar, are they, is it little tiny shells?

No, they're out of the shells. You take them out of the shells. Yeah. It's probably for the best. Yeah. The shells are probably too crunchy. I don't know. If you pickle them, they might soften up a bit, but they'll still be unpleasant.

Are there some Welsh things you cannot get living in London? Probably, I mean, the overriding sense of misery is very apparent in London, so I don't miss that. I was maybe talking about like a regional soda or something. But yeah, I mean, sure, yeah, crushing suicidal dread. Fox's You Bet syrup for your egg creams. And pessimism. No, I mean, they're very, England and Wales are very, oh, there is one thing I can't get living in London that I can get back home, and that is free prescriptions.

Oh, wow. Okay. Because our health service is better. Oh. Even though it is the same one, essentially, in Wales. They have some different rules, like free prescriptions for everybody. That's great. Yeah. Are the Welsh healthy?

No, very unhealthy. Okay. Well, maybe that helps. What are we talking about? Klonopin? Some free heavy-duty painkillers? Oh, you can get everything. Like Oxycontin? Everything you get is for free. Oh, God.

Sounds great. Oxycontin, Klonopin, Nora Ephron. If you want to get cancer, come to Wales. Cancer, come to Wales. I like that when you said Nora Ephron, Jordan. Sounds like a prescription drug. It does not, though. No, it's a woman.

It's a woman who wrote light comic essays and films. Sure. Beloved, beloved light comedy artiste. Possibly a good prescription for someone who is feeling a bit sad, maybe. Yeah, yeah. It's prescribing you Nora Ephron. It's like, oh, you need Nora Ephron. She just had you a DVD of Sleepless in Seattle. One when Harry met Sally.

Sure. Do not eat this DVD. I watch it. Do not swallow it. Don't try and swallow it like a pill. Or take it like a suppository. Have you spent significant time in God's United States of America before? This year was the first time I visited.

The BoatParty.biz was my first visit. Nadia was one of the performers on BoatParty.biz. Lovely. Which, by the way, is coming back next year. Okay. Get ready for it. P.S. MaxFunCon sold out. Bad luck, losers.

You guys are losers. Suck on that lemon, jerk faces. Waitlist at MaximumFun.org. Please get on it. There will be cancellations. Oh, God. So this was the first time. Did you stick around then?

Yeah, I went to New York afterwards. And it was great. It was so great. What kind of stuff did you do in New York? Empire State Building? I went to the top of the rock. Oh, sure. Because you could see the Empire State Building.

You want to cross. If you're inside, you can't even tell. You might as well be anywhere. Yeah, exactly. It's good thinking. You're thinking like Efron. I like this. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. The best thing was probably that John Hodgman took us for oysters in the Grand Central Station Oyster Bar. Come on, that's pretty good. I felt like his millionaire daughter. Yeah, that is solid. That is rock solid. That was pretty cool. Rock oyster solid.

Also, he knew so much about them. It was so dreamy. You know, John Hodgman is a former food columnist. Well, good. I would be disappointed otherwise because that knowledge is there for nothing otherwise, just impressing tourists. Yeah. If you want to grab some back issues of Men's Journal magazine, you can read his sometimes semi-fictional food column. That's funny.

Okay. Good. Good. Good. You like New York City. How would you compare New York City to London, England? They're quite similar. I really liked Brooklyn. I was staying in Brooklyn, and I really liked it.

Have yourself a few bagels. I didn't have a single bagel. You got to get some bagels right by Hodgman's house. That's where the bagels are. I was right by Hodgman's house. You should have gotten some bagels. I was outside his house every day. You should have got the bagels so you'd have the energy for your stakeout.

I do feel really resentful about the fact that in London you can't get dollar slices anywhere. And you can get them seemingly in your sleep in New York. Yeah, but they don't have tacos or burritos, really. You can't... You can't really get those in London either. Well, you can get some burritos.

There's plenty of curry in London. There's a lot of curry. If you need curry. My God, there's curry. You're all set. You're all set. There's a whole road, basically. There's a lot of curry. If you need curry. My God, there's curry. You're all set. You're all set. There's a whole road, basically, that's just one massive curry. You're speaking, of course, of the Thames.

It does smell. What about Los Angeles? You've been in Los Angeles for like a week now, right? Can't help but notice you were driving a red Mustang convertible Yeah Yeah, that's my ride Classic, right? That's my ride while I'm here

I was having a bit of a life crisis when I booked my car hire So I was like, well, I'll just do the most ridiculous thing there is Was it, when you were like So you're just going to like follow the midlife crisis of a 40-year-old man. Yeah. A recently divorced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're going to start playing a lot of golf.

I tweeted that basically. Oh, okay. I'm having a man's midlife crisis as a 29-year-old woman. Good job tweeting that. I will abandon that as a comedy premise now for the rest of this. What – how do you feel about driving around? You should try and sleep with a Chili's waitress. Sorry.

Go ahead. That was my last joke I wanted to make about that. How do you feel driving around in the Mustang? I was so terrified coming from the airport that I couldn't even put the top down. At home, you probably, you're driving what, a Vauxhall? I drive a Volkswagen Lupo, which is smaller than a Golf. Sure, sure. It's a reliable little city car.

It's one of the many cars that's too small to be sold in America, I think. Yeah, I like that you don't even try and give cars, like the Lupo, like the Volkswagen Elf or the Gnome. It's funny. It's like a cute name. Anyway. Although Lupo does mean wolf. Does it? Yeah.

Well, I retract that. But it's like little wolf. Yeah. Cute wolf. Do you get, I mean, have you been driving around with the top down? Of course I have. What are you blaring on the stereo? Nothing because I'm listening to my sat-nav.

Oh, God. Please don't take me on the freeway again. Please don't take me on the stereo? Nothing, because I'm listening to my sat-nav. Oh, God. Please don't take me on the freeway again. Please don't take me on the freeway again. You can actually set your sat-nav to, you know how you can set the voice? There's like a male voice. There's a female voice. There's also Journey's Steve Perry. So it'll sound like you're rocking out.

Oh, that is reassuring to know. Wow, that is reassuring to know. I have had a lot of men of all ages shout, sick car! at me as I've been driving around. Were you just throwing up in the car, though? Yes, because I'm very nervous. I did have a man who threw something in front of the car as he walked past me and then blew me a kiss.

What did he throw? Banana peel. I don't know what it was. It looked like it was a CD case. I had something weird thrown at me the other day. I was just kind of in my little, you know, by my apartment just kind of walking around. And it's super residential. I mean, it has significantly fewer, like like weirdos than my old neighborhood. My old

neighborhood was pretty, pretty weirdo intensive. Um, but this is virtually weirdo free. Um, so I'm walking and it's just nice. It's a lot of people like walking dogs basically. And I'm just walking in this guy in a car. I forget what car it was, but it did not, it was not noteworthy. It was just like a, you know, Corolla or a Camry or something like that let's call it a centra i'll beat you in the middle great at the centra um he slows down and yells out his and i think to me i don't think there's anybody else that i could mistake it for he's like hey look at this and he throws something out of the window like a frisbee but it's tiny and i'm like scared to look at it or pick it up i mean this seems like the start of like a hitchcock movie or something like this is

where i become the the wrong man uh and i reluctantly pick it up and it is a trading card from superman 3 featuring richard pryor i still have it in my car. I don't know why that happened. I don't know what it meant. Am I marked? It was so weird. It doesn't feature like, it doesn't have, oh God, who's the star of the Superman movies? Christopher Reeve. Christopher Reeve.

It just is a scene with Richard Pryor and it was so weird. Do you think it was an indictment of your indifferent acting? Right. Yes, exactly. About how the producers expected me to improvise, but then I didn't. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it could be. I mean, you know, and I mean, I'll go there and talk about the issues racially. You know, a lot of things people have been afraid to talk about. You don't know this about Jordan, but he's a pretty fearless social critic when it comes to race issues and just life in the ghetto. Jordan has a lot of insights to offer. I was the first guy doing it, too, you know?

Yeah, he sort of invented that kind of comedy, sort of comedy as social critique or satire. I mean, just listen to my famous LP, Jordan Morris, live on the Sunset Strip. And I think you'll get it. My favorite is Jordan's CD, That N-Word is Crazy. So, yeah, what do you think this – I mean, it was – I think it was meant for me. Is it possible that I just knew this guy and didn't recognize him and that was – Were you standing next to Richard Pryor? Yes. Because it could have been for him.

Yeah, it could have been. Sign this! Sign this and mail it back to me! I want to sell it on eBay! That maybe could be what he was yelling. I still have it in my car, too. I like to look at it and then feel weird. Well, he did tell you to look at it.

He did. It's true, and I did. He did tell you to look at it. He did. It's true. And I did. It seems safe to assume, based on the confusing, semi-positive, semi-negative message that it sent, that it was a Jordan Jesse Go fan. Okay.

Do you think he was just circling that block waiting for me to come out of my house? Yeah. Okay. Or he was staked out, Nadia Camille style. You know? Just hanging out in a, was he in like a panel van? No, I mean this was a Sentra, a Nissan Sentra. Right, it was a Sentra.

It wasn't a Nissan N2000. No. That's their cool commercial van. Yeah. God, I love commercial vans. Do you think it would have been different if it had been a Ford Transit Connect? Yes, I think it would be. I mean, we would not be baffling at all.

We would not be having this conversation. Yeah, you would know that this guy is a local tradesman. Sure. Who's got great taste in small commercial vehicles. Chose the Ford Transit Connect. Gorgeous little car truck. So reliable. Van. Oh, absolutely.

And fits in a normal parking space. Get out of town. That's what you want. Has all the storage space you need, but it'll fit in a normal parking space and you don't have to worry about you put it in reverse. You don't have to worry about that kind of baloney. It's a Ford Transit Connect. It's a wonderful vehicle. Very dreamy.

Okay, what does this mean? Do you think he's trying to teach you a lesson about how ephemeral show business is? About how one day you could be at the top of the pile and the next day your hair is on – you're caught on fire because you were smoking crack. It's true. after that, you're doing rent-a-center commercials that I remember really vividly from my childhood. And then one more day after that, you've been struck down by multiple sclerosis. Yeah. Maybe he was just trying to get me to consider, is it better to burn out or fade away? ALS?

Does he have MS or ALS? I don't know. Well, you're going to get one of them. Oh, I can only hope. You're going to end up with a congenital shivery disease. You should come to Wales because we have free prescriptions for that. Oh, I'd love that. You're going to end up with a congenital shivery disease. You should come to Wales because we have free prescriptions for that. Oh, I'd love that. That would be great. Thank you. You also have free crack because I need that

to smoke. It's not free. But it's affordable. That's nice. Very affordable. Especially with the exchange rates where they are now. I don't know, Nadia. What do you think it means? I think it means that somebody likes you oh I hope

oh boy somebody has a crush it's a weirdo in a Sentra that's a man he's driving a 97 Sentra it's blue oh man how do I get a hold of him by the way I want everyone to know Driving a 97 Sentra. It's blue. Oh, man.

How do I get a hold of him? By the way, I want everyone to know out there, before you get defensive, that was not a gay man's voice. That was a Sentra owner's voice. Yeah. A swishy Sentra owner. He was a little femmy, but he wasn't, like, super femmy. No. He's, number one, he happens to be straight.

Incidentally. He's just attracted to me. Well, who wouldn't be? No, that's true. I'm straight. I'm attracted to you. No, he happens to be straight. Incidentally. He's just attracted to me. Well, who wouldn't be? No, that's true. I'm straight. I'm attracted to you. No, I have to. I'm hard right now.

Yeah, I have turned to several straight men. Yeah, that's it. With my wild charms. Childs. Hair. Hair. My Nora F-Rod. We'll be back in just a second.

I'll join Jesse Go. Sergio Diaz plays in a band called Os Mutantes. His life was changed the first time he heard Elvis Presley. The great thing in the world, it is to discover. I mean, there's nothing better. I'm Jesse Thorne. My show Bullseye is to discover. I mean, there's nothing better. I'm Jesse Thorne. My show Bullseye is about discovery. We help you find the best music,

the best movies, the best books, and we talk to the people who make them. It's Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nadia Kamal, mama eggnog.

This is one of the best nicknames in Jordan, Jesse Goh history. I like it a lot. You know, Nadia, you wouldn't know this. You're from a whole other country. But here on Jordan, Jesse Goh, when something momentous happens to one of our listeners, Here on Jordan, Jesse, go. When something momentous happens to one of our listeners, we ask that they call us and share it with us for our smash hit, beloved, classic segment, Momentous Occasions. All they have to do is put 206-984-4FUN into their telephones.

206-984-4FUN. And then, you know, when the shit goes down, get on the horn. Ring, ring. Hey, what's up, guys? You'll be saying this to an answering machine, though. We will not pick up the phone. Sometimes I pick up the phone. Oh, okay.

But I try— It was like that movie where you could call Jonah Hill and then he would sometimes pick up the phone. I try and remember how they talked, what voice they talked, so I can repeat it back correctly. Yeah. That's good. And I act like it back correctly. Yeah, that's good. And I act like an answer machine. You're a famous mimic. I don't respond to what they say. I make a beeping sound and then I'm quiet. I just repeat it back later.

In fact, I think- And you ask them if they're satisfied with the message. How many calls do we have this week, Brian? Two calls. So both of these calls actually are ones where I answered the phone. So what you're going to hear is going to sound a lot like a low quality answering machine recording. What it actually is, have you guys ever seen Bobby McFerrin? Love him. The best. Okay, so he does what he calls

body music. I took a master class from him. And what I'm doing is manipulating my body through percussive movements. You know, I'll stretch. I'll do, whoa, whoa.

You know what I'm talking about? And using the stereo field of the microphone, going from one stereo channel over to the other stereo channel. You see what I'm saying? Going up, down, going deep into a ball, stretching out, holding my nose, you know, flossing my teeth. Sure. All of these things are things that I use to create an audio recording-like environment when I'm recreating something that I've heard. So you use all of these techniques to recreate answering machine messages about, you know, like seeing dogs with umbrellas and getting a hand job on a subway? On this program, I do.

Oh, okay. But you don't just use it for that. No, I also have a lounge act where I sing Sade songs. Okay. So those are the two things I do it with. You know, Smooth Operator, various other Sade songs. Yeah. I have a whole repertoire of her songs.

And it's just you up there. You're not accompanied by anybody? have a whole repertoire of her songs. And it's just you up there. You're not accompanied by anybody? I'm accompanied actually by her band, which the trio is actually called Chardé. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah. It's her name, Chardé I do. But the band itself is called Chardé. Have you thought about incorporating Michael Winslow? Why would I incorporate

Michael Winslow? Another famous sound effect. Why would I incorporate Michael Winslow? Another famous sound effect. Why would I incorporate my number one biggest rival in this entire field? Jesse, three words. Watch the throne. George. This could be your watch the throne.

You think that this could be... You think this should be like a keep my friends close and my enemies closer situation? Yes. How about this? How about instead of a watch the throne situation, I get a game of thrones situation going on? Oh, I see. I lull him into a false...

Where you fuck Bobby McFerrin. And it's a little rapey, but still kind of hot. And he's my brother. Yeah, sure. I like this. He's all of our brothers. He's got that kind of heart. Anyway, what you're about to hear, Nadia, is me recreating through physical acts an answering machine message from one of our listeners to whom something momentous happened.

I'm very excited. Let's hear the first one. Hello, Jordan and Jesse and guests. I'm calling as a moment of occasion this is Heather in San Francisco I just went to my first rap concert ever um I saw Chance the Rapper at the Regency Ballroom and it was fucking amazing and um my throat is probably going to be fucking killing me tomorrow because of all of the screaming. And also how I really liked when he told me to do a thing and I did it. So every time he told me to do a thing, I did it.

So there was a lot of shouting. It was fucking great. So there was a lot of shouting. It was fucking great. And he's probably never going to come back here at the $25 ticket level again. So kind of once in a lifetime. Yeah. I saw Chance the Rapper on Thursday.

This was fun. How did I end up being the one person who didn't see Chance the Rapper? Oh, yeah, I have two children. Yeah, it was a great show. I was a thing that was really surprising to me. Are you familiar with this guy? No. Guy out of Chicago, Illinois. Yeah. Young guy.

Made some mixtapes that were very popular. Two hot tapes. Hot tapes. Terrific. That Acid Rap is probably my favorite album that got released this year. Me too. It's really, really good. Exceptionally good.

So I went with my buddy Jack, who sometimes will go see a rap concert with me. Sure. Great guy to see a rap concert with. Called Jack up. We saw Killer Mike earlier this year. It was a lot of fun. fun um and i i was assuming that this crowd would be really similar similar to the killer mike crowd which is seems like half rap fans looking to see rap and half like you know crazy beardy hipsters jack and i were the oldest guys here by 10 years well that's because here's the difference i can

explain this sure please number please. Number one, hipsters now like Killer Mike because he made these records with LP. Sure. LP is... And LP did a set, so I think probably

half the guys were there just to see that. Yeah, and I have, I want to be clear, I have no beef with LP. I think LP is very talented and great. And, you know,

LP helped create Company Flow, which was one of the first, you know, was a really seminal alternative underground hip-hop group. And LP's own records are really amazing. It ran one of the most important edgy hip-hop labels ever. But there is also, to a certain extent, I think it is fair to say that white people like LP because LP is white.

To a certain extent, I think it is fair to say that white people like LP because LP is white. And also LP has a very rocky, noisy sound that, well, I won't cast any negative. I'm not throwing any shade at its legitimacy because LP is as legit as they get. But he has an aesthetic that a rock person would like. I didn't know a lot about him going into it other than kind of where he came from and kind of what his pedigree was. But I thought his set was a real snooze. Oh, really? A snooze?

A snooze. It was very boring to me. I mean, yeah. I mean, I think I don't like noise and droning and atmosphere. I cannot stand atmosphere. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, he may also, but Killer Mike also is old at this point.

Yeah. I mean, Killer Mike's been out for 10 plus years now. And, you know, he has an established base of underground hip hop fans. Whereas Chance the Rapper, you're looking at kids on tumblr sure i mean underground hip-hop fans also like chance the rapper but like killer mike shares plenty of fans with the roots it's not a pure crossover but there's plenty of roots fans that whereas uh chance the rapper you know he shares plenty of fans with ASAP Rocky. Sure. Yeah.

I was, you know, it's so interesting. I guess I just knew him as like NPR's favorite rapper or Pitchfork's favorite rapper. I thought the crowd would be more similar to like a Superchunk concert or something like that. No, not at all. But it was, yeah, we were like, we were, we felt uncomfortable how old we were there. It was really bonkers. And I think Jack's, Jack's theory was that I guess he just did a verse on a Justin Bieber song. Did he really? Yeah, yeah, we were like, we felt uncomfortable how old we were there. It was really bonkers. And I think Jack's theory was that I guess he just did a verse on a Justin Bieber song. Did he really?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. It's very weird, too. It's very weird. So, yeah, that was his take on it. I mean, he's a teen rapper who's popular with teens. Hmm. Well.

I mean, I don't think he's a teenager anymore. I think he's like 20-ish. Yeah. It was a great show. That was really great. I mean, I think once we got drunk a teenager anymore. I think he's like 20-ish. Yeah. It was a great show. That was really great. I mean, I think once we got drunk enough and stopped feeling self-conscious, we had a great time.

Excellent. Well, let me repeat another call verbatim. Hey, JJ Go. This is Melissa again in Asheville. The reason my voice sounds so crazy is the other momentous occasion, which is that last night, someone tried to steal my car out of

my driveway, and my dog and I chased him down the street, and I had a giant knife in my hand yelling, I'm going to cut your face off. But I lost my voice, and I didn't lose my car. That is some immortal fucking power. I plugged that shit in.

That's amazing! Before we discuss this, can I tell one more quick story about going to the concert? Yes. When we were headed over there. Let's put this important thing on hold. Yeah. I really feel the momentum is definitely with going back to that. No, no, no, no.

I think this is going to be for the best. You guys are going to love this. I realized I forgot to print out the tickets. So I'm like, oh, maybe. And sometimes they can be stingy about that stuff. Yeah, sometimes it's a problem. Absolutely. So I'm like, okay, well, what can we do?

I got on my phone and I pulled up, I think it was through Live Nation or something like that. So I'm like, oh, these places usually you make an account. If you just put in your email, it'll show all of your active tickets or something. Sure. So I go to the mobile site on my phone. LiveNation.mobile.com. Yeah, m.livenation.windows something. Sure. So I go to the mobile site on my phone. LiveNation.mobile.com. Yeah, m.livenation.windowsphone. Right.

.org. .zune, yeah. And I was looking on the site, and there didn't seem to be anywhere to put in my email address. So I just went to the search bar, and I'm like, well, I just typed in login. And when I searched, all it brought up were dates where I could see Kenny Loggins. Guess who's got a lot of dates? Kenny Loggins. Really?

He's really working a lot. Oh, Loggins is out there. He's touring? Yeah. Maybe I should switch up my lounge act. What was this call about? Dog umbrellas? This call was about a woman who chased a car thief out of her driveway by shouting, I'm going to cut your face off.

Yeah. Yeah, that's great. I mean, like, seem like a psycho. My mom did that one time. Yeah? Yeah, one time somebody broke into our house. She woke up. Her bedroom was what in a normal apartment would have been the dining room.

But we used to – I had a bedroom in the back and the other bedroom we used to rent out to boarders, to ESL students specifically. Right. Not like between countries. No, to boarders. Yeah. No, to boarders, books and music. Your apartment was a neutral zone where like diplomats could conduct business. No, it was a place where you could go to get stationary books.

Sure. CDs. Michael Buble CDs. Yeah, yeah. They have a nice little coffee shop. They did readings back there. Michael Buble did. Of his lyrics.

No singing. But jazzy. Yeah. You know. And with a lot of charm. He, a junkie broke into our house. We think because David Carroll's dad left the gate open. Fucking David Carroll's dad.

You're so smart. You can be a doctor who does heart surgery, but you're not so smart that you know to close the fucking gate behind you, huh, Mr. Carroll? Anyway. Junkie broke into our house. you, huh, Mr. Carroll? Anyway, junkie broke into our house. My mom woke up in her bed with the guy over her holding a knife

and she ran him out of the fucking house. Jesus. Ran him out of the fucking house and down the street. And I slept through the whole thing. The next day she said, you didn't wake up, did you? And I was like, wake up what? And she's like, phew.

Shit went down. You know, cops came and everything, you know? Wow. Yeah, it was crazy. I slept through a bomb once. Wow. Wow. Did you dream about a bomb, though?

No, I was in Baghdad. Oh, okay. Oh, well. And it smashed all the windows in the house and it cracked the walls. Wow. How far away was it? It was like half a mile. Wow.

How old were you at the time? I was 20. 20? Yeah. So, I mean, I can see that. That's a time for heavy sleep. I was sleeping a lot. Yeah.

This may be God's way of telling you it's time to leave the nest. Time to get out of the house. Think about London and Wales. Yeah. This may be God's way of telling you it's time to leave the nest. Time to get out of the house. Think about London, Wales. Sure. Not a lot of bombs there. Some bombs. There's some bombs. Some bombs. More bombs than we'd like, certainly. But relatively few bombs. Yeah.

You can still get John Carter on DVD. Nor Ephron. Anyway. Thanks, Brian. Have you ever run anyone off or stood up to anyone? The one time when something similar happened to me was in that old place that I mentioned that was kind of like weirdo central. And I just woke up because I heard my door slam. And I had forgotten to, you know, I had fun to lock my door yeah i heard my door

slam and i woke up it's probably three in the morning and i've never seen a lot of like i never saw a lot of violence near that place but there's just a lot of yelling weirdos just a lot of like rambling dudes and you know people like sleeping in doorways and you know nothing that made me feel terribly unsafe but also just a lot of fucking weirdness. And there was just this dude, just this guy was in my living room, just kind of a heavyset dude. And he's like, where am I going to sleep? And I was just like, you have to get out of here. You're in my house.

He's like, well, what are we going to do? I'm like, you have to leave. I'm going to call the police. And he just left. And I went back to sleep. And when I woke up, I'm'm like was that a dream i'm like no i think that happened holy shit very weird and i it was weird it was it was so i woke up out of sleep so i just didn't think to be scared and usually like when i was like walking home by that house and like i would hear some weird yelling or you know see something shuffling in the bushes.

I would get scared. So it's not that I was like not scared of that stuff. But I think it was just because my brain hadn't fully woken up yet. Like just the scared part never came. I think I growing up where I grew up, I'm pretty good at pretending not to be scared. Like walking down the street. Yeah. at pretending not to be scared, like walking down the street.

Yeah. You know, like I'm pretty good at being the guy that you wouldn't choose to rob. Right. But I can't imagine not caving immediately to the demands of anyone who even began to – I mean, the only time I've ever even been, once when I went home to my mom's house, my wife and I, it was Thanksgiving and my mom was out of town for Thanksgiving. We were going to stay at my mom's house and go to my wife's family's house for Thanksgiving. And when we got to my mom's house, my mom was already out of town, but the side door

was broken in of my mom's house, my mom was already out of town, but the side door was broken in of my mom's house. And we were just pulled up in the driveway and we're like, fuck, the side door is broken in. And Teresa was like, I guess we got to go in there and see what's going on. And I was like, yeah. And then I was like, oh, wait, that means I have to go in. By we. Yeah. And I did. It was spooky going wait, that means I have to go in. By we. Yeah. And I did.

It was spooky. Going down through the side door of my mom's house, P.S., is kind of spooky. Sure. I did it. I did not like doing it, though. I did not enjoy doing it. Did you have an implement? Did you have a hidden?

There was no implement. There was no implement to be had. So I just, what I did is. Put your keys in your hands Wolverine style? I did put my keys in my hands Wolverine style. Nice. And I tried to just open the door as loudly as I could and yell to give anyone who was in there a chance to run out the front door. So you wouldn't have to confront them.

Yeah. Hang on, somebody stole all my mom's jewelry. No, no. $20,000 worth of jewelry. Should I have just let that guy crash on my couch? Because it seemed like he just needed a place to crash. He just needed a place to crash. We could have gotten brunch in the morning.

Yeah. That guy might have been, I mean, that guy might have been like a cool punk rock guy. That might have been Ian McKay. It might have been Ian McKay. He's probably a little heavier than he used to be. That's true. He said he was heavyset. I don't know if I'd describe Ian McKay as heavyset.

Yeah. You think he was heavyset? I don't know if I described Ian McKay as heavyset. Yeah. You think it was Rollins? Nowhere near as intense as Rollins. He was like, lackadaisical. Do you think it was one of those guys that fronts one of those

black flag? One of the three black flags? Yeah, it's probably the lead singer of Flag. Yeah. Could have been Keith Morris, but he didn't have huge dreadlocks.

I don't know. I bet it's just some weird junkie. Do you have an air mattress? I bet there's some weird junkie who was at a club or something. Do you have an air mattress? He had a pull-out couch. So I guess he could have. Was the couch pulled out?

Is that how he got confused? Yeah. No, I think the couch was folded up. Do you think he was creeping around looking in windows into people's living rooms to see if they had a couch pulled out? I guess he just probably thought he was going to his buddy's house. Maybe he like knew somebody in my complex or something like that. There are people in my complex who would just let a junkie sleep there. Were you buddies with him?

I mean we've become buddies since then. Was it your dad? It was my dad. Get out of here, dad. You can't sleep here. Yeah. You're on shrooms. Get a Motel 6.

Yeah, my dad was just really getting fucked up at rage. He's not a gay guy, but he loves gay bars. Right. Just because you can go and dance. Right. You don't have to worry about, you know, the scene. Right. He likes to dance.

Just likes to dance. Likes to hear the music. Get a milk cocktail. Sure. Lift up that newspaper and see what happens. Who knows? Somehow I've combined all our bars into one bar. Yeah.

A super bar? Yeah. One super bar. Do you think we can give women blowouts too? We'll have to ask Taffer. Yeah. Okay. He'll probably say we should put a spin on classic American comfort food.

That's probably what he'll say. Fair enough. Do you think – Do you guys have Bar Rescue in London? No. Okay. Do you think we should – That's fine.

Do you think we should involve Ramsey? Gordon Ramsey? Yeah, just in honor of the fact that our guest is from the United Kingdom. Oh. And probably her biggest hero is Gordon Ramsey. I will say that it is not my greatest hero. Is he an embarrassment, a national embarrassment? Top two after Welshie Waterman.

Yeah, Welshie Waterman. The man who freed Wales for 20 minutes. Yeah. So it's number one, Welshie Waterman. Number two, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yeah. Number three, Gordon Ramsay. My dad. Your dad. Number four, Welsie Waterman. Number two, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yep. Number three, Gordon Ramsay. My dad.

Your dad. Number four, your dad. Number five, Catherine Zeta-Jones' magical piano. Yeah, don't try and bullshit me like you love your dad more than you love Gordon Ramsay. Jordan Ramsey gives you that combination of anger and, you know, he breaks you down, but then he builds you back up in a way that like only the ultimate dad could hope to do. He really is all of our dads. He's just an asshole. Yeah, he's all of our dads.

Just a fucking asshole. Just a fucking asshole. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nadia Kamal. Mama eggnog. Coco the dog sitting on my lap. Good work. Good work this week, Coco.

Bark, Coco. No, she's too relaxed. Yeah, she's chill. I want to mention, I mentioned earlier, Max von Kahn now officially sold out. Because of the way that we sell the tickets and bring in the celebs and so on and so forth, we usually do squeeze in at least a few extra people, like between three and 10, depending. So email waitlist at maximumfun.org and include your name and your telephone number and the number of people in your party, whether you're a couple or a single. You can sleep in my room, but we will be listening to player piano versions of Noah

Fex's classic album, Punk and Drub Lick. Jordan travels with a white player piano. You know, when we were on BoatParty.biz, Dan Deacon was threatening. He said if I invited him next year, he would... They had one of those player pianos that you put a floppy disk into, like a three-and-a-half-inch floppy disk. So you could play battle chess on it? Yeah.

He said he was going to bring – Thanks, Brian. He said he was going to bring a floppy disk full of his crazy avant-garde contemporary classical music compositions that are like, but it would be set so that it would play like 15 or 20 minutes of Chopin, and then it would start with Dan Deacon's crazy music so that no one could be like, hey, hey, weird guy behind the piano right next to the floppy disk drive of the piano. What are you doing there?

Like he would just slide in, take it out, replace it, press play. Everything would be going smoothly and then boom, deaconized. Freak out. Yeah. I think it's a really good idea. I would enjoy that. Wouldn't that be fun? Yeah.

Did you have a good time at boatparty.biz, Nadia? I had arguably the best time of my life. Really? Yeah. Oh, that is really great. I had such a good time that the rest of my life feels depressing. Yeah. It is pretty lame.

Cruising around in that fucking convertible. In the stang. Yeah. Just stanging around SoCal. I think I've said this before, but I did this hosting job once where it was like a branded thing for Ford where I drove a Mustang. I got to drift in a Mustang, and I called it a stang on camera, and they had to stop everything because you can't call it that. Like that's the point of a Mustang, to call it a stang. Also, drifting is really fun.

Do they say that you have to call it a must? Yeah, I tried to call it all sorts of abbreviated things. Called it a whiskey tango foxtrot. They didn't like that. I also want to mention that January is going to be a truly epic month at MaximumFun.org. On January 1st, we will have a raft of programming-related announcements about which I'm very excited. I'm not going to reveal them before January 1st, but suffice it to say, you'll want a New Year's Day, you know, wipe the sleep out of your eyes, put on a coat and tie, sit down

at the computer, type in MaximumFun.org, see what you find there. I'm really excited about those announcements. And also, on the events front, we're going to be announcing something really, really cool in January that I'm very excited about. That's all I'm going to say about it. Mid-January, we're going to announce this thing. It's going to be really cool. What is it?

Yeah, what is it? I don't know. It's a porno theater. Yay! Oh, that's fun. If you have thoughts about the show, you can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Our phone number, of course, 206-984-4FUN.

We got some more amazing anime-style portraits of you and me, Jordan. Terrific. Keep them coming, guys. Oh, I just love them. Nadia, have you ever had someone draw an anime-style portrait of you? Not an anime one, no, but a really technical pencil one. Like stippled or? Like a mechanical pencil, very detailed.

You can see that it took hours and hours, and I think, oh, God, sorry. You feel like you've let them down just by... Well, just like you just had to look at my face for so long. I got line drawn for a magazine once, and it was one of those things that is, you know, like as with the stipple portraits in the Wall Street Journal, it was very realistic but somehow also the least flattering image of me

that has ever existed in the world and normally if I feel like, if I'm like bothered by something, I feel like, oh, this makes me look fat or whatever, my wife will be like, whatever, Jesse, you know, don't worry about it. I love you. And I showed this to my wife and I was like, Teresa, can you look at this?

And she goes, she just goes, oh, Jesse. Why are you showing me this magazine of a troll? It was so horrible. It was a disaster. And then they emailed me and they said they're going to make a permanent website about me. Because it's, I mean, the website's about the thing that the magazine article was about, but I'm going to have like a permanent page on this website. And I was like, it's going to live on forever. It's going to be the thing that pops up when people Google me, this nightmare portrait.

Anyway, big stuff coming in January. Happy holidays to everyone. Merry Christmas. Have a wonderful Diwali. I don't know what time of year Diwali is. It's a New Year celebration, isn't it? Hard to say. I think it's just before Christmas.

Just before Christmas? Pre-Christmas. Do you think it's Diwali right now? Well, I think in London, I think it was in November. I missed Diwali again. Early December. It was the 32nd straight year that I missed Diwali. Well Early December. It was the 32nd straight year that I missed Diwali.

Oh, that's why I got all those Starbucks cards. Thoughtless Diwali gifts. Oh, man. Well, anyway, Brian Fernandez, our producer. Nadia,

you're leaving, you're skipping town. Yeah. But we got listeners in the United Kingdom. Got any regular gigs in the United Kingdom they should be aware of? No, not really. But everybody should probably follow you on Twitter, right? Oh, yeah, do that.

I think I'm probably coming back here. Really? Yeah. Going to New York in January. You going to do some shows? And then I think I'm coming back here in February. Going to do some shows in New York in January. You're going to do some shows? And then I think I'm coming back here in February. You're going to do some shows in New York in January? Hopefully, yeah.

Nadia, you're not doing a very good job of plugging things. But it's just because it's being British, it's really hard to talk about yourself in anything other than a massively disparaging way. Sure. So even coming here, people say, what are you doing? There are some fucking boring shit shows people can go see if they want to see something that sucks.

Yeah, something you're doing. Oh, man. Reverse slam. Yeah, you just got 360 jammed on. Oh, man. Right now, you're just standing in the lane with your arms up, and Nadia's got the ball in the hoop, and her crotch is just right in your face. Jeez. And you're just going,

what? If this was NBA ballers, Nadia would just did an act of fool combo on me. Spiritual successor to NBA Jam. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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