Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 306: Artificial Hipster with Guy Branum

Episode Date: December 30, 2013

Comedian and writer Guy Branum joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of hipster affectations, Guy's taste in music, and foreign money. Plus, Jesse's brother John joins everyone in the booth for momentous occasions.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Happy holiday interregnum, Jordan. Thank you. Thank you, Jesse. What's interregnum? That's the period in between two things. Oh. Or the space in between two things. I thought it was like

a humor. Like a medieval humor. Yeah. Like there's black bile, phlegm, and interregnum. Yeah. And every year, on the sixth day of Christmas, you remove a little bit of black bile. Just a

touch. Yeah. Just enough to balance things out. Yeah, well, you don't want to get possessed by a demon. No, and then you get a haircut because you're at the barber. And it's medieval times. The barbers are draining fluids. Did the barber... We should be asking this question of our friends from the the hit max fun podcast sawbones but was the barber balancing humors and doing surgeries just because he was the only guy who knew how to sharpen a

knife i think it's because the first you know one of the first tools used in surgery i guess maybe tool is the wrong word but the first one of the first things invented for surgical purposes is that blue liquid that you put a comb in. And the barbers were the only people with access to that because of the pope. Right. Sure. Pope Invincible III, if I'm not mistaken. He made it illegal for serfs to own blue liquids. or surfs to own blue liquids.

Well, you know, one way or another, I'm happy to have celebrated the great holiday of Christmas. I'm happy to be headed like a rocket toward New Year's Day. And I'm happy to be sitting here with you, Jordan. Thanks, Jesse. Should we introduce our guest? I would love to. He's a stand-up comedian.

He's just back from the great city of new york where he was working on the television program totally biased with w kamau bell he was both a writer and an on-camera performer on that program i enjoyed both of his works in that department very much i presume can only presume in the writing area i enjoyed the program overall i assume that his contribution was a positive one to an overall thing that I enjoyed. And I think he probably wrote the things that he performed on camera, which I enjoyed. Guy Branum, by the way, is his name. No, actually, most of my rants about being an angry gay guy were written by a part of Nan Sherlock. And I wrote most of her rants about being a small Indian woman.

Kevin Avery was just writing everything for everyone. You guys are like Tom Waits in that way. You like to write from a character's point of view. Oh, it was on your podcast that somebody made a joke about doing... Oh, it was Michelle Balloon made a joke about doing a comedy concept album. And I think that that's the most brilliant idea ever.

Having a show or an album where you adopt a totally different comedy persona? Yes. Have you thought about what you would want yours to be? I mean, obviously, small Indian woman. You got that. Yes. No, I don't think small Indian woman is a stretch. I think, oh, this guy in New York, this comic did an hour.

And one of the things he did is he did, he basically talked about how come, like, truth is just you complaining about your masturbation. 25-year-old straight guy. He was like, how come my truth can't wear a wig? And he did, it was so cool. He performed as a female Christian comic. And then he performed as, like, a douchey guy from Nashville, and he's from Nashville. And there was something very interesting about seeing him perform as the kid he was raised to be, but then ended up not being. And I do think that that would be trying to figure out what kind of shitty blue-collar comic I would be.

Would be fun. That does sound fun. Yeah. You just mentioned you're back from the holidays. You're from somewhere in Northern California, somewhere near Sacramento. Yes. The Sac, our great state's capital. It's amazing.

When you think of California's absolute best, what you think of is Sacramento. Sure. That place where we buy and sell rice and almonds. The place where my Junior State of America club went to practice banging the gavel in the state legislature. It looks like a Louisiana brothel, doesn't it? It's a whole situation. It is weird that Dolly Parton welcomes you in.

The weird part about the Capitol building. I thought it was odd that they picked the motto, the San Jose of the North. Is that a thing? No, the San Jose of the North. Is that a thing? No, that's not a thing. But just aesthetically. I feel terrible. It's like San Jose without the tech money.

Well, like... There are some really nice things about Sacramento. All of California cities are essentially the same. They're just a bunch of strip malls. And when I first got to LA, my reaction was, oh, it's Sacramento that never stops. It's just Sacramento that keeps going. Well, I think in a lot of ways, Los Angeles is like world's greatest Sacramento. It really is.

But I'm not even from the Sacramento of Sacramento's. I'm from an hour away from Sacramento, where that is sophistication and glamour. Speaking of Sacramento, my in-laws were just visiting. I had an extended conversation with my brother-in-law, and he is a student currently at the University of California at Davis, which is a very high-quality science school and one of the best ag schools, definitely the best in California, one of the best in the, definitely the best in California, one of the best in the country. And he is, he's studying environmental studies or something like this.

But one of the benefits of being at an ag school, there are two key benefits. One of them is you can take a class where there's a hole in the side of a cow. The hole in the cow was a big thing. Like growing up up there, you like went to Davis and they showed you the hole in the side of a cow. The hole in the cow was a big thing. Like, growing up up there, you, like, went to Davis and they showed you the hole in the cow. Yeah. Sounds like some sort of clapping rhyme that you would do. There's a hole in the cow. There's a frog on the cow.

There's a hole in the frog and everybody's dead. That's another medieval thing, by the way. Right, yeah. Oh, here's my question. The frog was an omen. Medieval medicine. Sure. How come the first thing everybody figured out was how to drill a hole in somebody's skull to relieve pressure?

Trepanation? It's like, oh, the Incas did it. You know, like Stone Age societies, why did they figure that out before, like, suturing something? Cleaning wounds? I think they just had a lot of drills around, and they were just happy to have other uses for them. Well, the truth is that there were a lot

of demons inside of a lot of parts of the body, but they're more visibly apparent inside the skull, because the skull sort of swells a little. Guy, so you just came... Wait, I want to say the second thing about the University of California at Davis. So number one is there's a cow with a hole in the side of it.

Thank you for calling it by its full name, Jesse. I appreciate that. No problem. You can reach inside. I always call the cow with the hole on the side of it by its full name. You don't just say whole cow. You reach inside of the cow and you can feel what's inside of its guts, if you so choose. I never did that. Or just look inside. But you can feel inside of the cow and you can feel what's inside of its guts, if you so choose. I never did that.

Or just look inside. But you can feel inside. I didn't know that. I know two different people who've done that. Jad Abumrad has done that, and so has Mary Roach. Mary, a past guest on this program. Jad, perhaps someday. So that's number one.

That's terrifying. We're fucking with some poor cow's colostomy. So what is the cow care? Cow don't care about nothing. We would just eat him anyway. That's the motto of cows, by the way. Cow don't care about nothing. This was a famous viral video a couple years ago, wasn't it?

That's number one. But number two, the thing that I was impressed by, and again, this is a major university. They have a place called the Meat Lab. Now, the Meat Lab sounds like somewhere where they're growing meat, which is terrifying. Like growing meat in a lab-type environment rather than an animal. However, what it actually is, it's like part of learning about livestock is learning about butchery. And so you can get wholesale cost fresh meat. Oh, really?

Including house-made sausage if you are a UC Davis student. And you just head down there. my my brother-in-law he's got a roommate oh it's like going to like the uh beauty school to get a cheap haircut exactly only it's with like you know cheddar cheese and cheddar cheese and uh you know uh cheddar cheese and onion bratwursts he He has a roommate that works there or is a butchery student or something. And he says he just always has 10 pounds of bacon at his house.

And they smoke it on the premises. This is bacon that they made at UC Davis. Why did I go to UC Santa Cruz? I don't know. Oh yeah, it was a bunch of fucking yurts. To be fair, at UC Santa Cruz, they have the know. Oh yeah, it was a bunch of fucking yurts. To be fair, at UC Santa Cruz, they have the same program

but with hacky sack. There's a, there's a Satan lab at UC Santa Cruz. There's the bongery. And so much atmosphere. A lot of atmosphere. We will get,

we had, Jordan, you had another question I was going sorry i was gonna say yeah guy you've had kind of uh and i've just kind of been been you know from being facebook friends with you and having a lot of friends that are kind of in the same situation is that like you kind of went out to new york to work on totally biased and then the show ended what what has it been like moving back and forth like crazy uh well it's been like we have these long hiatuses, and it's been fun coming back, especially at times of year when New York was kind of annoying. But, like, did either of you ever live in New York?

No. No. Like, it was something I always wanted to do and was angry that I hadn't done in my 20s when I was, you know, young and tough and able to handle everything that it would throw at me. When you were more of a carry i'm a hannah horvath sir all the way through one of one of the great like weird discoveries of my 30s was realizing the point that i had completely transformed from a miranda into a samantha you can't call me anything other than a Samantha now.

It was super fun to go there with a real job and get to see what it's like. And I am so happy to be back. I am just so happy to be back. And I'm submitting for some shows in New York right now. And I don't know what my next job will be. And I don't know where it will be. But I like, my life is here. It is hard when you are an adult to move.

Like you, and New York is like the best place to move because like you have so many friends who are already there. You have so many comics who you know who are there. There's like a life set up for you. But it's still not like the life that I've built for myself over the past 10 years. Guy, I like that you're presenting that as a universal truth.

We all know a lot of comics. You get off the bus from Iowa City. You got your hat in hand. But you know, at least you know a lot of comics here. Well, I mean, the thing is, is that it always, I mean, like of all places, like you go to Portland, you're going to know four people there. It is the biggest city in the United States. You are most likely to know someone there. Yeah.

You know, no. Yeah. That's definitely something that I think I go through this a lot, too, is like you, you know, you submit to write on shows and, you know, twice a year you'll get something that's in New York. And it's really fun to think about, like, fun to think about moving there but also not being broke. I mean I think it seems like so much fun but I've always been so terrified that I won't make enough money to exist and I'll just be in a ditch somewhere. But I like the idea of like, oh, I get this job and I have a steady income and I get to live in that fun place. I had such a glamorous notion of what a guild income would allow me to live like in New York and I was totally and completely wrong.

The most hilarious thing is Brooks Whelan moving out there to be on SNL and then realizing he's probably going to have to have roommates. So yeah, interesting. What was your New York apartment like v. your LA apartment? What was your New York apartment like v. your L.A. apartment? Here in Los Angeles, I enjoy two glorious bedrooms for no good reason

because I got the apartment when I had a nice, stable job and really thought that that would never go anywhere. There's a cute little garden in the back. It's in the middle of West Hollywood. I can just stumble out of my door and into attractive homosexuals just, you know, around. Just hither and yon.

You should say excuse me, though. You shouldn't just be stumbling into them willy-nilly. It's about consent. There are former Project Runway competitors in my building. That's amazing. You know, it's lovely. There's a Trader Joe's right there in my building. Like, it's just... That's amazing. You know, it's lovely. There's a Trader Joe's right there in New York. I shared... First, I shared an apartment with a Colombian couple who looked at me weird if I was ever outside of my room, and there was no lock on

the bathroom door. Then I shared a room with a... Did you think the Colombian couple was up to something vis-a-vis the bathroom door? I thought they were up to something about everything. Like, first of all, how were they affording an apartment in the West Village? Like, it was in the middle of the West Village in the most, it was the careiest of neighborhoods. Like, it was the careiest of neighborhoods, but it was the most sad and girls of apartments. We should be clear. most sad and girls of apartments. We should be clear.

When you say the cariest of neighborhoods, you are describing Sex and the City's Carrie, not Carrie from the film Carrie. Periodically, the walls would bleed. I don't know what that was about. And when you had sexual thoughts, you would be locked in a closet with a bunch of knives pointing at you. Piper Laurie did such amazing work. It sounds like your situation with the Colombian couple Is a little bit of a flipped version

Of the movie The Visitor What was The Visitor? That's where, oh god, Richard Jenkins Goes to his His wife dies and he goes to Live in a New York apartment to find that there's A Middle Eastern couple squatting there oh and

he tries to help them get legalized i did not see that okay i have to tell you and he learns to play the drum i have to tell you a stupid story about that apartment that i have never told anyone there was like you looked at the at the mailboxes and one of them said elizabeth holtzman and i immediately said 1970s Congresswoman Elizabeth Holtzman who ran for Senate and then lost? Is she in her 70s

and now sad and I will become best friends with her and we will talk and then when she dies she will leave me her apartment that is rent controlled.

So I then found Elizabeth Holtzman's email and emailed her and was like is that you? Should we have coffee? And she's like no I'm a partner

at a law firm. Leave me the fuck alone. Did you ever find that Elizabeth Holtzman? No. I'm glad she dropped the F-bomb on you. You deserved it. Yeah, you were being a real prick. I am characterizing her language.

She was a lot more former congresswoman about it. Dear fuck shit. Where do you think you get off, asshole? The worst part is all of that, like all the time she spent thinking of all of those swear words, all billable hours. And she bills at senatorial rates. Sure. Despite the fact that her campaign failed.

I used to be a lawyer, and the most annoying thing on the planet was having to figure out in six-minute increments what I had done with my entire day when I had spent significant portions of my day shitting around or writing jokes. Like, it was horrible, and every job I have, I have to remind myself,

at least I don't have to at the end of the day, defend what I did all day long. What kind of law did you practice? I barely practiced. It was only for like six months after I graduated from law school, and I did insurance defense law, and across my office from me were binders that had all of the different kinds of cancer that all of the ladies in the Central Valley had, who I was trying to stop from getting money. Oh, no.

I have a friend who just graduated from law school, works in exactly the same field. Like me, he didn't try that hard at law school. And my specific job was to make- Number one, it's a she. They can be lawyers now. But what about when the hysteria creeps in? What do they do in court when the uterus begins moving about their body you know what it isn't a problem you let out a little bit of mucus

oh okay um what do they get those uh vibrating things to relax them right yeah you get a relaxing massager this is all just anachronistic medical information. It's super exciting. That's mostly what this podcast is. It's called Sawbones. I still want to know what those Canadian guys do. I haven't listened to their podcast yet, but I've heard it advertised enough that I am like, those Canadian guys, what do they do? They're the best.

They're like us, but nicer. It's Canada. I specifically was responsible for making embarrassing medical facts about the women admissible in court. Wow. So it was my job to basically just try to come up with bullshit, like, logical relationships between the crazy number of abortions that Latinas in the Central Valley have had and how that could have related to their cancer. Oh, my God. That's wow. I can understand why you became a stand-up comedian.

It was horrible. A lot more fun. You had a big hole to fill with laughter. Well, congratulations on your career change. It was fun to think, well, me being bad at this job is probably a good thing. But also realizing, like, I need to go into a field where I can try hard at something and not be the devil. That if you succeed, you aren't awful. Exactly.

That's nice. Well, at least you were sticking it to the right people with your billables. It's true. It's true. My shitting around was sticking it to the man. I'll tell you what, when it comes to billable hours, what's bad is not... The only person who bills me billable hours is my accountant. When I say my accountant, Maximum Fund Incorporated's accountant. The firm bills by the hour and they bill me for every email they reply to, you know what I mean.

You know, they bill me for every email they reply to every, you know what I mean? And it's one thing to get billed whatever it is, $200 an hour or something like that for the main partner accountant to do my taxes and do, you know, keep me from paying taxes to the government so that it doesn't build roads and so forth. But it's another thing when you see the bill, when you get the bill and you realize you're getting billed $100 an hour like for the receptionist to answer your phone call.

Like that's when you're like, oh, they got me. They bill you because you opened the Christmas card they sent you? Yeah, exactly. I worked at a law firm

for a little while and I was getting paid, you know, $11 an hour. But they were billing for my time at like $40, you know, or $50, something like that, for me to like make photocopies or whatever. And I always was like, ah, just want half of it. Give me a 50-50 split, right? That's what pimps and prostitutes probably do. 50-50? I never thought about it from that perspective, but they are taking more off the top than pimps

and not dressing as well. I know. And I should mention, I was blowing the clients. Huh. And you still only got that base $11, huh? Yeah, just that base $11 an hour. Huh. It sounds like, I mean, this kind of sounds like

the beginning of Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah. I mean, this sounds, you know, like maybe you could be doing something with this that, you know, that Jordan Belfort did with penny stocks. Well, I mean, the one nice thing about the job with regard to Wolf of Wall Street was when someone would blow a handful of cocaine into my waiting asshole. Which, as I understand it, is something that happens. Both of you have seen it. Both of you have. Oh, you have seen it.

I have seen it, yeah. Okay. I just saved all of my Oscar buzz movie mojo for saving Mr. Banks. And once that was over, I was just so wowed that I haven't been able to take on anything else. You've just been kind of on the floor taking it all in. Exactly. Can I, oh, with regard to Oscar bait, can I run a sentence by you guys? Sure.

Two sentences and you guys can tell me if you think it's funny. Great. Potential tweet, maybe something else. All right. Just something that uses sentences. Yeah, exactly. Something that uses English. Sure.

If you speak ill of Cate Blanchett, I can't be held responsible for what I do. Guy, that's not even on the table. Okay. Please, I'm insulted you would even think I would be going down that road. Understandable. Hey, look, when it comes to Cate Blanchett, he's a regular Ned rock and roll. He loves her to the point where he would marry her. Oh, yeah, that's her husband, Ned rock and roll.

Yeah, that's weird. He would marry her. Oh, yeah. That's her husband, Ned Rock and Roll. Yeah. That's weird. So I caught a guy with his hand in his pants during a showing of Saving Mr. Banks. I guess some guys just like to masturbate to Oscar bait. Do you guys like that? It sounds similar. That's what I think is funny about it. I mean, it rhymes.

Yeah. Also. Anyway. Seven out of ten rhymes. Yeah. Also. Anyway. Seven out of ten? Eight out of ten. If you could work in a practically perfect in every way sort of... Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, I think that's just without having seen Mr. Banks.

I guess I just know it as... I mean, I guess I think of it as like a quintessential Oscar bait movie. Yeah. Is that true? Is that... I mean, it is the amazing cliche. But it isn't a nice movie. Most people I know have really disliked it.

Ms. Erin Gibson on Throwing Shades spoke highly of it. And that made me feel better because everyone else has been like, it is a sour and mean movie. I'm like, yeah, a woman gets to be a tortured artist for once, huh? Oh, here's my big problem with criticisms of Saving Mr. Banks. Please. Everyone wants to say, oh, it's a movie that's about selling out. Oh, why are you celebrating this movie that's just about selling out to corporations, corporations, corporations?

That requires that you believe that Mary Poppins is a bad movie that was a horrible compromise. And anyone who can watch that movie and think that is a moron who doesn't like songs about suffragettes. Yeah, a flinty-hearted moron. That's how I would describe someone who doesn't like Mary Poppins. A flinty-hearted moron. Exactly. Yeah, that is weird that they think that Mary Poppins bastardized that character. Yeah.

I mean, there is something kind of contrarian and fun about the fact that it's a movie where like the magical person who is saving you is a millionaire in charge of a gigantic corporation who's trying to teach you

to be happy again. Also, as I grow, I mean, with each passing year, I become less and less concerned with selling out. I'm super into it now. I don't want to,

I would like to lease my soul to someone. Oh yeah? Yeah. Maybe like Blackwater? I don't care. Blackwater, Blackfish, anything.

I will do mean things to a whale. Sure. But for only like a couple, like for maybe like two years. Exactly. Wait, can I ask you one clarifying question about the Blackfish one?

Yes. Only toothed whales or also baleen? Running joke, we mention baleen whales a lot on the show. My passion for scrimshaw is boundless. And if I get to do enough mean things to a baleen whale that eventually his or her jawbone is up for grabs. Hey, all the better. Hey, the cribbage is on, y'all. Do they make cribbage boards out of scrimshaw?

That's like the number one thing you make out of scrimshaw. I didn't know. A cribbage board. Once I was in a 15-passenger van with a quiz bowl team there was a great argument about whether anything rhymed with rib job the best assertion was scrimshaw so

man your high school years sound like a lot of fun you mean my law school years we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Biz. This is Teresa. We host a show called One Bad Mother.

We're a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. And for some reason, we seem to be most popular among single dudes with no kids. Weird. The only advice you'll get from us is when we tell you to stop feeling like s*** for being a mom.

Or a dad. Or, you know, a single person with no children. Find us on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I am Guy Branum, foam aficionado.

Really? I really... Since you've been in this foam-enclosed space, or just overall? No, just since I've been in this foam-enclosed space. Oh, I maybe thought, like, in the 90s you went to a lot of foam parties. I wish. I did read the Wikipedia entry for Ibiza yesterday. What does Wikipedia have to say about Ibiza? Oh, long, rich Carthaginian tradition.

Wow. Yeah. Does it mention that it's a party island? It does. And it made me kind of want to go there, but only while being a 22-year-old British person. Yeah, I think that's probably the ideal person to go over to Ibiza. I think that is a perfect metaphor for approaching middle age, when you look at the Wikipedia entry for Ibiza. Well, the horrible thing about me is that I always was that person. Which person?

The Wikipedia person or the Ibiza person? No, I was the Wikipedia person. I was very much like a book-learning person. And I did go through a phase sort of in my even when you were in law school yes when i was quiz bowling left and right um it's one of the weird things about about being gay is like well at least when you're me i came out when i was 23 and so like i didn't have a proper adolescence i didn't sort of like do stupid stuff like that i was busy learning and being responsible. And then

in my early 30s, I did sort of have a go out too much, hang out with stupid gay boys a lot. And they were wonderful people. I honestly it was interesting to sort of go and taste

LA clubby world and see what it was like and realize that everything 54 and Boogie Nights and Saturday Night Fever had told me about nightlife being terrible and tearing you apart is kind of untrue. And those people are lovely and it's fun. Guy, I don't know if you remember this at all. I think the first time we met, I think it was at the Abbey. I had a, I think you knew my old roommate, Lauren. Oh. And she would like, she would like take me to gay bars. It was one of those like, come on, it's fun.

There's a bunch of straight girls here and they'll be less, they'll be like, their defenses will be down so you can trick them. Was it Heather Thompson's birthday? Oh, I don't know. Good question. Guys, let's get into this. Yeah. America demands to know if it was Heather Thompson's birthday? Oh, I don't know. Good question. Guys, let's get into this. America demands to know if it was Heather Thompson's birthday. Okay.

Excuse me, Jesse Thorne, but a light breezy conversation about what happened at gay bars in West Hollywood is the thing I've missed most about being back in California. I'm just trying to welcome him back in. It is sunshine for my soul. If you could now list a number of Calvins and Derricks, then it'll all be great. There's Calvin who works at Rounds. There's Derricks.

Thank you for not using last names. There's Calvin Klein. There's Oil Derricks. A lot of homosexuality happens on both of them. You think oil derricks are by their very nature gay? Okay. Does anyone want to learn about mid-90s sexual harassment law? Yes!

Actually, mid-80s. Why do you think we invited you on the program, guy? Not your legendary wit, certainly. It was your facts about 80s sexual harassment law. So there were these guys who were on like an oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico and they were all straight. And there were like nine of them on it. And they just kept like doing shit to one of the guys, like shoving shit in his ass and stuff like that. And so he sued for sexual harassment in the Supreme Court of this United States.

Maybe it was a federal appeals court. But somebody fancy said, you can't have sexual harassment if everyone involved is a heterosexual man. They were like, that's not sexual harassment. It's something just take it like a man. Is it just it's just standard harassment that's what's prevented me from suing jesse all these years standard harassment of a sexual nature but i think because it was taking place offshore not under state laws they need he needed a federal law and there weren't sort of like federal laws for just harassment harassment there was only

sexual harassment. He had to sue under that for some reason. He would have had to sue in an aquatic court. It was an admiralty. He needed a jag. Oh, God. Or an NCIS. A whale.

Either a jag or a whale lawyer. Sure. A narwhal? Yeah, sure. They are the Jews of the sea. I like both Jews of the sea and barristers of the deep. I think both of those are great. gangster rapper in America who has not in an interview or in a, uh,

uh, in an interview or in a song described a need to get a good Jewish lawyer. And it, I'm really, I have a really hard time taking it apart and putting it back together. Not so much in my mind as in my heart. Every time I hear it. So they do say that they say,

Oh yes, absolutely. Specifically, you're looking for a Jewish lawyer. Like, that's their rule. Like, it could be a guy on a bus station, on a bus chair, what's that called? Bus bench. Bus bench advertisement.

Bus chair. It could be a guy who's argued before the Marine Corps or even a maritime corps. But he has to be Jewish. Sometimes you don't have the time to go over someone's CV because you are too busy drinking purple drink. So you just take a look at his dick. Yep. Exactly.

On the topic of bus chair. Yeah. I think one of the most hilarious of those that I accidentally did of just calling something kind of what you think it is, but there being a better name for it. I was at a costume shop once looking for anything. I was playing a scientist. And I think I'm like, I need one of those scientist robes. And he's like, you mean a lab coat? A scientist robe.

You know, one of those scientist robes. It would be great if most scientists did their science work in a sort of like a lounge robe. House shoes. Yeah, exactly. Like a quilted silk. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Like a nice mid-century sulka number.

I just like the idea of the world of scientists and maguses never separating at some point in the middle ages wait can i mention something about speaking of speaking of robes yeah i was looking at this robe on ebay this is the kind of thing i do with my time you know what i'm saying i'm looking at this robe on ebay it's a beautiful by sulca there's this company that no longer exists. Let's get into this for a second. Recently relaunched when the retailer Mr. Porter bought the brand name. However, really it doesn't exist anymore, but they were famous for, among other things, their robes. And it's just unbelievable, gorgeous robe. And it was, I thought, ruined by the fact

that it had someone's initials on it it was monogrammed so are we talking silky or are we talking silky we're talking silky but we are talking about a thick quilted silky oh yeah yeah no shit i mean this is serious this is the kind of robe where if you went out to buy it right now, first of all, no one but maybe Tom Ford would sell you something like this and it would cost you $5,000 plus. So this is a gorgeous, gorgeous robe. But when something has a monogram on it, as a robe often does, you're sort of like, what am I going to do?

I mean, it's one thing to wear someone else's clothes. It's another thing to wear someone else's monogram. I feel like that. I mean, that was like me in high school. I used to buy at thrift stores a lot of like mechanics shirts with like Mike or Jim on it

and thought that was really, really funny. Yeah, well, I mean, at the time, that was America was obsessed with the prospect of buying a mechanics shirt

with someone else's name on it to the point where five years after that you would go to the store and buy a mechanics shirt with someone else. Right, someone had already done that. Yeah, go to the store and buy a mechanic's shirt. Right. Someone had already done that. Yeah.

Someone had done that for fashion reasons. What's the name of the goth store in the mall? Hot Topic? Yeah, that's where you'd buy it. Okay. So anyway, moral of the story, however, the monogram was AZZ. Wow. That's like the greatest monogram in robe history.

Wait, what middle and last name start with Z? What was this guy's name? It was probably crazy. I don't know. His name must have been Zorker. Zibwick. Let's assume Armenian of some sort. It points an Armenia word direction.

You get the robe in the mail. Yep, pocket full of dominoes. That checks out. Do I smell cumin? It was just gorgeous. It was just, I really, it was too small for me, sadly. Sorry, guys. Bad news.

But that was going to be your ass-tapping robe. Oh, man. I was going to get so much ass in that robe. Robe-ass. Oh, man. Man alive. But about. I have a lot of fun on eBay. That's the moral Oh, man. Man alive. But about... I have a lot of fun on eBay.

That's the moral of the story. Pretend thrifting. I just feel sorry for, like, university-level history students, like, 75 years from now, who are gonna have to read horrible papers

about the weird way we fetishize working-class, like, culture and behavior. Like, they're going to have to... Or American Studies people three years from now. Exactly. But that'll just be sad.

Like, ugh, my uncle is so stupid. Why does he have that beard? But, like, 60 years from now, it's going to be, wait, what? So they built pretend butcher shops in part of Brooklyn that's now underwater. Why were they drinking out of mason jars? Oh, my God. If I see another wedding photo of tiny baby mason jar with your name on a little card around it.

I went to, I have been really annoyed ever since an incident I described some months or perhaps even years ago on this program where I went to my local grocery store and asked for veal because I was making meatloaf. And the butcher there didn't know what veal was. veal was uh and then when i described it to him thinking that maybe because english wasn't his first language he just didn't know the word for veal uh he said oh that's messed up which granted it is but i'm trying to make a meatloaf but it's so full of delicious collagen i know i'm trying to make a meatloaf so i i went to an artisanal butcher in northeast Los Angeles thinking this is the solution to my problem because all I wanted was a butcher. Yeah. All I wanted was to be able to go to a place where there was a gentleman or lady who knew a lot about meat and had the different types of meat available to me. You know what I mean?

When I was a kid, we used to go to the butcher in the Mission Market Mall in San Francisco. This is where you would go. You could get a nice chicken. They would tell you about why you want a roaster versus a whatever. You grew up in San Francisco proper? I did. I did grow up in San Francisco proper, right near the Mission Market Mall. How many episodes of this podcast have you listened to, Guy? Yeah, come on, Guy. You just said you've listened to this show.

I listen to like two. Still no excuse. Still no excuse. Anyway, you know, you'd go to the butcher and the butcher would say, oh, no, you want this piece of meat. You know what I mean? That's the butcher you want. And so I went to this artisanal butcher. And I'm not, frankly, not against artisanal shit.

I kind of like it. butcher and I'm not frankly not against artisanal shit. I kind of like it. And especially now that I'm a member of the middle class slash perhaps even upper middle class, I appreciate the fact that it's available to me to get the good shit rather than the mediocre shit. However, I went to this butchery in Los Angeles is Tony Los Feliz District. And they had for sale literally six types of meat. Not six meats from animal. Not six animals of meat. Six different cuts of meat. Why?

I don't know. Because it's what the fishermen brought that day from the feedlots. It was insane. That's crazy. I went because I wanted something. I don't even remember what it was, but they only had, there was like four choices. It was like, well, you can have a pork shoulder or nothing else. You're fucked.

Yeah, I feel like that's the downfall with those places a lot. It's like, oh, you want, no, no, you want one of what we have. We know better. You don't want what you want. You want this thing that we have. I do always love a boutique that only has like seven t-shirts in it. And you're like, oh my God. But it's got four women and DJ in there.

And it's like, I'm impressed. How is this open? And you get a little paper cup of wine when you go in. The terrible thing about hipsterdom is I do appreciate all the lamb, you know? I do appreciate living in a world where duck happens a lot. Hey, you know what? You know what I say?

Yeah, it's annoying. Go ahead and infuse that shit with sriracha. It's delicious. If you infuse something with sriracha, it'll be better. Like, there is this, like this beauty that they are going after, but they're going after it in such an aggressive, ham-fisted American way that all poetry is lost. We've got the most lavender in our vodka. I know. I think that's the reason why that stuff is kind of fun to complain about.

It's because you like it. It's good. You like experiencing it until it gets too annoying. Yeah. There's this little, I don't know, there's a little cliff you fall off of like the little yodeler on Price is Right. It's like, this is awesome. Oh, look at that guy's beard. I will say this. As a professional menswear blogger, I, you know, I participate in this world. about sort of this assumption of working class aesthetics and sort of pretend assumption of working class values

is not necessarily the class part of it, although there are certainly parts of that that are absolutely gross. But, I mean, there's a part of me that says, you know, if rich people want to have a really nice version of a plain thing rather than a really gaudy thing, fine. Rich people have always been rich people. But the part that makes me really uncomfortable

is I feel like the aesthetic part for men is there's a really strong element of like alright I'll go in a boutique but I ain't no faggot. You know what I mean? Like yeah I'll go in a boutique, but I ain't no faggot. You know what I mean?

Like, yeah, I'll go in a boutique, but only if it's got axes. That's a really solid and interesting argument. I have long maintained that CrossFit is just no homo pilates. And part of the thing that bothers me. No, no, sledgehammers. We got sledgehammers. We're carrying those around. And look, I mean, I also, you know,

I also feel like there is room. I appreciate the idea of masculine heterosexual aesthetics. I think that's fine to have as a thing that exists in the world. I'm, as a straight guy, I don't want aesthetics to belong solely to women and homosexuals. But it's sort of, there's something a little dicey about it. I'm just like, if you're going to spend that much time cultivating an aesthetic, why not be hot?

Like, why not? But it is this thing of like, oh, I can't put all of this energy into having abs because that would be faggoty. Instead, I will like perfectly sculpt the hair on top of my beer belly. And that's sad and disgusting. And also the thing that bothers me most is like I worked very hard to have an effete and ridiculous life. And I am proud of that. I'm with you so far, guy.

And like, I've tried to work on a joke and I've never really gotten the answer. But something around if I put, like if I dress like a farmer, someone will expect me to do work. around if I put if like if I dress on a like a farmer someone will expect me to do work like I yeah like that is just it has so many like stresses of having to see your lifestyle essentially as an overlong pinky fingernail like a symbol that you're not prepared to get up from your chair like exactly because I like my whole life was being trained to be a member of the working class and like I still have night fits that I have to go and be one of those people. And if your dad was a dentist, it's a lot. I get that it would be hilarious and fun to dress up like a plumber and do that. But like, God, no. I guess for me, I guess the point for me where it falls apart is when it dips over into look at me.

Yeah. You know, I think we all know what it's like to see like, you know, a nerd with a cape on the street or a guy who's wearing like a cape in public or, you know. Or a guy who exercises all the time who's not wearing a shirt for no reason. But the thing is, at least that is a kind of honest, as a gay man I will defend that, that's a kind of honest look at me that you're accepting. The problem is when your outfit is saying look at me, but then you're verbally saying, no, no, no, this is just who I am. Sure, yeah.

It's not weird that I'm wearing a top hat and riding a unicycle. You're the one with the problem. Exactly. But also, look at me! Yeah. Yeah, I think... Can you guys have a second? I just got to go throw away my unicycle.

Oh, buddy. It's great. I think just don't wear the top hat while you're on it. Well, I got to wear the top hat or my head will be cold. The top hat makes the outfit. No, you're right. Jordan, with a two-foot tall head like this one. I do like the idea that you are Coco Chanel,

like at the end of your outfit, always removing one accessory, but that accessory is always a unicycle. I haven't made it out of the house with a unicycle yet. Maybe this giant alarm clock around my neck is too much yeah but yeah i think i think i think when when it becomes oh this is a conversation piece someone is doing this and that can be whatever it can be your fucking beard it can be your well there's a duster or whatever or you know or it can be your infused lavender what have you there's also a

similar relationship to hipsterdom and race where there is i was always fascinated by the uh ironic uh cover of like hip-hop or r&b or pop song where you remove all of the trying and just you know show how show how someone else is a better songwriter than you are yes but but you're so good at being over it. Yeah. And it's a weird sort of like, well, I'm going to play with your culture, but then I'm going to show you that I don't give a shit. Well, we've taken hipsterdom down a peg. Yeah, finally.

We win, hipsters. Finally, someone did it. I know no one has been speaking out against any of this. Look, I'm sorry. These are totally unique observations. If I had been able to find a decent purveyor of plus-size ironic t-shirts in 2005, it would have been a different path, and I would have a much more successful career right now. You didn't look through the classifieds on the back of the fader?

I didn't care. Right after the feature article about electro clash there was something there that you could have it's horrible taste in music that has always held me back from being able to be a part of the cutting edge yeah it's my what what's the what's the hump what what what what can't you jettison oh i mean it's i just like things that are fun and happy and about the possibility of a boy liking me or not liking me. And anything that is about a cold weekend in Montreal where a woman broke up with you, but you both knew that you still loved each other. I don't have the patience for that.

That's fair. I feel like that kind of like, you know, vigorous appreciation of pop music is kind of a hipster thing these days it's like yeah i listen to kesha and of montreal i feel like that's that's pretty pronounced these days um i can never pretend that my liking of kesha is slumming um is because i know kesha was the bad i know i know that's a three years ago example but your Love is My Drug is a really good song about just needing someone. And I can't, I just can't bring myself to like the respectable music that I know is, like, I understand that I have trashy and bad taste in this area. Not even Steve Reich?

I don't even know what that is. The only responsible music that I like is, who's that guy who wrote Holland 1945? A Neutral Milk Hotel. I like Neutral Milk Hotel. That's pretty good. I mean, that's... They're wall of soundy. But no, I like them for the worst reasons.

I like them because they are like wall of... The girl group influences. Yes, exactly. You like that someone's playing the saw. Yes. Would it help if you listen to like i don't know like a band of horses album but you imagined all the band members having beehives um or if they had like and being ethnically ambiguous god if there were black girls if there were if there were black girls

doing brooklyn music i don't know how would, like I might fall in love with that. Isn't that Solange? I was just gonna. I don't know what Solange is doing these days. She is to me just a punchline. Does she do Brooklyn? She makes her. She does, yeah.

Kind of trippy indie rock. R&B? Yeah. That Janelle Monae has impressive hair. I'll probably fall in love with her four years from now when she's irrelevant. I think she's got, I think she'll be even more popular four years from now. I think her relevancy is on the way up probably, right?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Sure. She's very talented. Very. Jesse Thorne, what should I listen to? When I go home, what should I listen to? I don't know.

What do I know from rock and roll music? You're a menswear blogger. I'm a professional menswear blogger, yes. But I'm a professional menswear blogger who drives around listening to Fela Kuti. I don't know what that is. That's something, hey, you might enjoy Fela Kuti. What is Fela Kuti? He's a Nigerian musician.

Okay. He's sort of the king of African pop music of the 1970s. Oh, the person who Fela was written about? Yes. The Broadway musical? Exactly. I know about Broadway musicals. Did Oh, the person who Fela was written about? Yes. The Broadway musical? Exactly. I know about Broadway musicals. Did you see

the Broadway musical Fela? No. Well, you missed out. It was really awesome. Okay. I watched that shit. It was fucking tremendous. I saw some sort of

documentary about slaves and they talked about drumming to communicate to each other and it made me feel like I would maybe like African drumming in the next episode.

There you go. Okay, see the movie the visitor yeah which includes african drumming uh jesse what should i listen to what oh you mean jordan oh jordan i'm sorry they're both jays no no i get i spent a lot of on the road. I listen to like one and a half of your podcasts. No, that's fine. I've been through a lot. That's totally fine. Mr. Jordan Morris. Yeah. What should I listen to? Oh, jeez.

Okay. I'm pretty sure that Guy just listened to the Smodcast. You may have just listened to the Smodcast. What is a Smodcast? Kevin Smith's podcast. Smodcast. No, I listen to Rhea Butcher and Michelle Balloon. No, those are two good episodes.

Yes. That's plenty of research as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. Oh, gosh. What should you listen to? Something that has some sort of poppy element to it. Yes. But maybe isn't totally dissimilar from Neutral Milk Hotel.

Yes. Let's see. People will make suggestions on our forum, right? Yeah, people can make suggestions on the forum that's exciting that's fun guy everyone's gonna pick new music for guy brandham to listen to that i will buy and listen to once and then go back to my carly ray jepsen there you go go for it i say go to town we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, whether or not he should wear his Phillies garb to a Colorado Rockies game. Does your wife want to keep a chamber pot in her art studio? If so, please do not write in to Judge John Hodgman. I heard all those cases already. Judge John Hodgman is the show where I, John Hodgman,

adjudicate disputes between real people calling in over the Internet, and I tell them who is right and who is wrong over such important issues as, is a machine gun a robot, and is it okay to go through the garbage at the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage? Bailiff Jesse Thorne rounds out the cast for a fun-filled podcast of judgment and justice. Kind of two of the same thing, actually. Judge John Hodgman, take a listen if you do not mind. I order it. Come visit the courtroom. It is open to all and located at MaximumFun.org.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, we've got a sponsor on this week's program, NYC PodFest. We are a co-sponsor of NYC PodFest, which is happening January 11th and 12th at Fontana's in

downtown Manhattan. Some of the best podcasts the internet has to offer. You can like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter for updates. Tickets are on sale now. NYC PodFest. Big laughs, big shows. Intimate stage.

NYCPodFest.com. And you can go see Risk there. Hey. Kevin Allison. Live Risk shows are a blast. I always love going to them. I think this is definitely something you should do. Do you follow Kevin Allison on Twitter?

I do. I feel like anyone who doesn't follow Kevin Allison on Twitter should follow Kevin Allison on Twitter? I do. I feel like anyone who doesn't follow Kevin Allison on Twitter should follow Kevin Allison on Twitter. We've been working with Kevin for a couple years now and he's been a guest on Jordan Jesse Go a couple times. He's just the wonderfulest, sweetest guy. And his Twitter

feed, unlike a lot of comedians, it's not mostly jokes. Mostly it's just a running commentary about the crazy ass kinky thing he did the previous day like he's like does anyone have any advice on puppy play is a recent sincere thing he posted on his twitter yeah kevin's the best follow him my favorite thing about kevin allison is he never doesn't appreciate uh an emailed photo or video of an Asian man.

If you can find an Asian man in any situation. Do you think he saw 47 Rodin? Absolutely. Kevin Allison's a delight. And Risk is a delight, too, if you're not listening to it. Great show. You're a turkey. Hey, we have something up on the Jumbotron.

Something for Jeff from Emma. Yeah. Happy 25th birthday, nerd. Between introducing me to JJ Go 2.5 years ago and that time you got drunk and posed as a waiter for that awkward couple on a blind date, you're my absolute favorite. You're the funniest person I know,

and I'm glad we've replaced pissing mom off by fighting with confusing her when we can't stop laughing. I love you, big bro. That's sweet. That's really sweet. Big brothers. with confusing her when we can't stop laughing. I love you, big bro. Aw. That's sweet. That's really sweet. Big brothers. Hey, we have two big Jordan and Jesse Go shows coming up.

Yes. Number one, in February, we will be at SF Sketch Fest with special guest Rob Corddry. Yes, that's right, Rob Corddry. You know him from film. You know him from television. You know him from, maybe you know him from television. You know him from maybe you run into him in

West Hollywood sometime. Rob Corddry, one of our all-time favorite guests on the program. Tickets for that are on sale at sfsketchfest.com. And I will mention also, that will be on a Saturday afternoon. And then the following day,

I will be doing a tribute to the great Mal Sharp, one of the founding members of MaximumFun.org, half of Coil and Sharp, the stunningly brilliant put-on team. And it will be me, Matt Walsh, Matt Besser, and James Richmuth

of Casper Hauser, plus Mal, who is a genuine San Francisco legend. And if you have never heard Coil and Sharp, go to the Coil and Sharp podcast on iTunes. You can find it in the Maximum Fun Room. And I recommend, as a starting point, download the episode called Maniacs in a Living Hell. This is where the two of them go up to a San Franciscan, tell him they're offering him a job. It turns out it's in a pit. It turns out the pit is a recreation of hell.

And it just goes from there. It just goes from there. And at the end, the guy says he's definitely interested in the job. And we have one other show coming up. Yeah, live on a battleship. Yes. January 25th on the USS Iowa. We're finally doing Jordan Jesse go on a battleship.

I know. You guys have demanded it. When are Jordan Jesse go on a battleship. I know. You guys have demanded it. When are you going to do the battleship show? Every day we get email after email after email after email. When are you going to do a show

on a genuine World War II battleship? $20. The show starts at 5.15. For $35 you can get a ticket to the show which includes a tour of the battleship

before the show. And all the proceeds are going to go to a veteran's charity. You can buy tickets at MaximumFun.org. Yeah, it's $20 for the show, $35 for the show and the tour. I really recommend the show and the tour. That's cheaper. That's a bargain even just relative to taking the tour. It's in San Pedro, which is in the port of Los Angeles right here by LA. And all the money is going to go to this wonderful organization called Swords to Plowshares that works with veterans and especially homeless veterans. They're based in the Bay Area. My dad

used to work there. And many of my dad's friends over the years have received services from them. It's a really great organization that focuses on direct services to homeless vets. A huge percentage of the homeless population are veterans. You would be shocked. And they need services, particularly because of the both physical and non-physical disabilities that service often entails. So we're really proud to be doing this show, and we're also just excited to be doing a show on a battleship. Basically, a guy who works on this battleship emailed us, and he said, just as a joke, he said,

and if you ever wanted to do a show on a battleship, and we're like, yes, of course we want to do a fucking show on a battleship. The lesson here, if you work somewhere weird, we'll do a show there. Yeah, it's going to be in an officer's mess. Great. Yeah, I know, right? Awesome. Do you think we're allowed to wear captain hats?

Dear sex dungeons, we will do a show there. Why did you have to say it was going to be in the officer's mess? Because I was seriously imagining it on deck, Cher turning back time style. The plates fly over us. I will be wearing that outfit from the video, though. You will be able to see my ass. Guy, can you give Cher a call?

If she comes, we'll do it on the deck. Okay, okay. Because that was available to us. We just didn't want to raise the expectations too high. And also, if you know anyone in the Blue Angels, those two things are what we're looking for. So you can go to MaximumFun.org. You can buy your tickets now.

And we insist that you please do. That is going to be such a fun show. And we really need you to come out, Los Angeles. Do it. Don't fuck around. This is for charity. It's the only time you will ever have the chance to see a podcast recorded live in the belly of a World War II battleship. The same place, by the way, where FDR planned D-Day.

There you go. This is going to be our D-Day. It's going to be filled with history. In this case, the D is for laughs. And death. Oh, yeah, death. Just as in the other D-Day. Sure.

There will be many, many deaths. Will it be you? Only one way to find out. Are you going to have Brits and Canadians simultaneously podcast? Absolutely. Maybe we should. Maybe we can arrange that. One thousand percent.

Oh, and this show is coming out, let's see, right before the first. Oh, and as an appetizer, we're going to be serving a bay of pigs in a blanket. This show is coming out right before the first of the year. Oh, and as an appetizer, we're going to be serving a bay of pigs in a blanket. This show is coming out right before the first of the year. However, I will say this. Go to MaximumFun.org.

We are dropping a huge pile of great new announcements on the first. I'm not going to go into what they are because it's a secret. You have to find out on the first. But follow at MaxFunHQ on Twitter. You know, like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook. Go to the website on the first. We got some really cool announcements coming up on the first.

I also want to mention, just while we're taking care of business, 40% off everything in the Put This On store. So if you're in the market for some pocket squares, I made a special discount code. Go to Put This On. Click on you're in the market for some pocket squares, I made a special discount code. Go to put this on. Click on the link on the sidebar there

and use the code JJGOFAN and you will get 40% off anything in the entire store for this week only. It's after Christmas sale. Do it.

I extended it. It's special for Jordan Jesse Go fans. Get some fucking pocket squares. It's winter. You owe it to yourself to be dapper.

That's what I'm saying, Guy Branum. Take it from my gay friend, Guy Branum. It's winter. You owe it to yourself to be dapper. That's what I'm saying, Guy Branum. Take it from my gay friend, Guy Branum. It's winter. You owe it to yourself to be dapper. Guy Branum, guy wearing shorts right now. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, You know, you can't call him on that one because it's the truth. Nobody's calling bullshit on that. That was the crack improv skills that I trained from a class and a half at UCB. It shows.

You really found the game. You know what? I think I'm going to change my nickname from here on out to The Tremor because I have been suffering from a mild tremor. Oh, not because you love the movie Tremors. No, it's for my neurological medication. Then you have to call yourself The Graboid. Oh, you be The Tremor and I'll be the Graboid. Okay, great.

Done. I don't know what that means. Oh, that's the monster from Tremors. Oh, great. But those are also the monsters from Dune and those segments outside of Beetlejuice when they go outside of the house. They use those sandworms over and over again. You're right. That is the same puppet.

Yeah. Can I be Nathan Fillion? Is he in that movie? Tremors? Should be. Kevin Bacon? Kevin Bacon. Yeah.

Well. Oh, I'm sorry. They're both fun guys. Yeah, you're thinking of Reba McIntyre. Right. Wait, Reba's in that movie? Yeah, she totally is. You know what?

Tremors is great. I recommend everyone re-watch Tremors. When Lily Tomlin was on Bullseye not that long ago, I watched her show Malibu Country, which stars Reba. And I cannot recommend this. I cannot in good conscience recommend the show to listeners of Jordan, Jesse, Go. However, fucking, I mean, obviously, Lily Tomlin's a comedy legend. Lily Tomlin's doing a great job.

Reba McEntire is great. No wonder people like Reba McEntire. She was tremendous on that show. I was a regular viewer of Reba. And it's interesting. What she's doing isn't acting, but it's loud and in the right direction and works. It's fun! Yeah. You just want to have fun with Reba.

Yeah. What's up, Barbara Jean? It was great. Thank you. Really good Reba. Oh, hey. Guy Branum music recommendation? I think it hit me while we were doing the break. So you're looking for something. Yes. Kind of fun.

Yes. Has a wall of sound quality to it. Yes. But also that gets you a little bit of hipster cred. Yes. The TV on the radio album, Dear Science. Okay. A lot of fun.

It has a danceable quality to it. Lots of noise, lots of different kinds of noises. And also, you will, you know, if a hipster looked at you sideways for liking that, they've got some hipster problems. I will take a stab at that. There you go. They've got some serious hipster problems. Yeah.

UC Davis has a really good Dear Science program. I went to my hipsterologist recently. Yeah. I got a real problem with my hipster. Thinking about getting a hipster replacement surgery? You know what's good for that? An artificial hipster. Yeah. Something out of titanium. I mean, I like to take an Eastern approach to this. Have you thought about hipster puncture? You know, I don't trust the hipster puncturist. I would rather have it done hipstamatically. Let's

enter. We have a fourth person in the studio making it even more... Wait, can we keep doing this? No. I'm done. We have a fourth person in the studio making it even more uncomfortably hot. It is the holidays. And for that reason, I've got family visiting. If you have family visiting, what do you do?

Oh, Jesse, I'm sorry. Have you tried hypnosis? Branham! Branham! Branham! Branham! Yeah, fuck you, Brother John. I'm sorry. No, my brother John Thorne is here. Hello, everyone. Hi, John. How are you? Of course, if you guys know John, it's probably from his career in healthcare consulting or his previous career at a high-end grocery store in West Portal, San Francisco.

That was pretty glamorous. Yeah. It was in Glen Park, but whatever. Glen Park, excuse me. Thanks, brother. At one point, you were the beverage buyer. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but John is a guy who purchased beverages, chose what beverages were purchased in quantity. Yeah.

I worked at the store, and I chose the beverages and the beer, more importantly. Did you go on any junkets for the store? A couple. Yeah, I went on a couple junkets. That means like a beer convention, right? Did you go to a beer convention? Went to two beer conventions. Cool.

That's great. Sounds like a real party. For free. On professional to a beer convention? Went to two beer conventions. Cool. That's great. Sounds like a real party. For free. On professional business. Yeah, and I got paid for it. Did you have to like taste it and then spit it into a bucket? No, no, no. Could you just pound it?

Beer convention is not a wine convention. Wine conventions are for pussies. But, wait. But, but, is there a... Strong position, John. Strong position. I was in the beverage business. I would say wine's also a beverage.

Wine's a different department. Number two, is there a rivalry beverage? Wine's a different department. Number two, is there a rivalry between these two types of convention? Number three, are you just hammered the whole time?

No, no, you get progressively hammered. That's how getting hammered works. But, um... Right, you're not hammered at the start, but I mean, after a couple hours

of walking from booth to booth, how could you not be hammered? Beer and food conventions, everyone who is working in the food and beer convention, everyone's going to work at the food and beer convention is hammered the entire time, yes. Seems unsafe when they put together and take apart the booths. Yeah, it isn't safe. In the Middle Ages, everyone was drunk all the time. All those barbers who were carving holes in people's heads,

Yeah, you couldn't drink the water. Could not drink the water. It was safer to drink the ale. You and I know a little something about the Middle Ages, Guy. Anyway, my brother listens to the show. Yeah, almost every time it comes out. Sometimes you get a little far behind. It's really sweet.

He's my only relative that listens to the show. I guess our other brother probably listens. He listens even more religiously than I do. Wait a minute, you don't listen religiously? No, not anymore. I did. You think the show. I guess our other brother probably listens. He listens even more religiously than I do. Wait a minute, you don't listen religiously? No, not anymore. I did. I had been led to believe

that you listen. You think the show's gone downhill. No, no, no. I just got a little bit more of a life and don't have as much time to listen to nonstop

comedy podcasts. So you listen agnostically. Yes. So you decided to, you're going to stick with Comedy Bang Bang. Yeah. But you're going to listen

to Jordan Jesse Go based on who the guest is yeah and whether or not Jordan is solo hosting then you do not listen no no then I do

oh okay sorry Jesse sorry Jesse that was mean I'm sorry fuck you my own brother you can kick me out if you want

my own brother okay look full of betrayal have you listened to Throwing Shade yeah I listened that's a charm of minutes yeah it's great

it's great let's all go around and recommend podcasts other than this one I've probably listened to Throwing Shade? Yeah, I listened to it. That's a charm of minutes. Yeah, it's great. It's great. Let's all go around and recommend podcasts other than this one. I've probably listened to all the Maximum Fun Podcasts at least once. Yeah. But which one do you throw out on the curb? Memory Palace. Fuck that DeMeo, am I right? Oh my God, do I love Memory Palace?

Memory Palace is good. This is good. My Brother and Brother. My Brother and My Brother and Me is good. This is good. My Brother and Brother. My Brother and My Brother and Me is good. Stop Podcasting Yourself, the Canadian guy. Spy's great. They seem very charming.

Let's get you a Vancouver gig. You can go up and do Stop Podcasting Yourself. That would be sweet. Dave and Graham are awesome. Different Colored Money. Sure, yeah. Different People on the Money. Loonies. Did they just switch to Plastic money or was that the Britons?

Oh, I don't know. It may have been the Britons. I don't know what's going on with foreign money. The Britons. Australia has this weird panel of cellophane in there and if it's against your skin, it makes you sweat. Oh, shit. Interesting. Have you guys seen the new $100 bills?

Does that mean that if I was in Australia, I would have to take this wad of bills out of my underpants? Yes, it does. I feel bad for their strippers. To answer your sweaty, sweaty strippers. Just strippers. The strippers in Australia get back to the changing room or whatever it's called, and they just have to peel

the money off of themselves. No, that's the best idea. A country launches a new currency, everything's fine, and the toxic shock on strippers left and right. The strip club's called Perspirations. John, in response to your question, I have seen the new $100 bill.

There's a lot going on there. There's way too much going on there. I mean, it's cool. It's cool. The hologram thing is cool. I'd like to have more holograms in general. Yeah. And also those things that they call holograms.

I don't know. It's the thing where if you tilt it, it does an action. The picture shows an action. Like Sport Flix baseball cards. It's like an old school gif. I'd like to see more Sport Flix baseball cards. When you scratch them, it goes vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Yeah, it does.

That's the other big advantage of them. Especially When you scratch them it goes, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Yeah, it does. That's the other big advantage of them. Especially if you scratch two of them against each other face on face. Yeah. Put them on either sides of your dick.

Like if you're simulating your favorite baseball player's fucking. Some face on face action. Did you know that a listener sent me a crate of his baseball cards? I didn't.

That's great. I don't have his name handy or I would thank him personally for sending me his garbage. Oh, you know, before we move on. Yeah. I want to say thank you to the listener.

A nice, a very nice gift we got. I forget the gal's name, but she knitted me some lime-shaped coasters. Oh, yes. And they're terrific. They're terrific. And we just got from- A really fun fun crafty gift from editors

at Little Brown and First Second respectively senior editors I will add at both publishing houses a bunch of free books which was very nice

as well thanks guys thanks Jordan Jesse Go listeners just overall hey how about speaking of that can we address

Joe Pagak's illustration that he recently created we can yes okay so not some months ago on this program Can we address Joe Pagak's illustration that he recently created? We can, yes. Okay. So not some months ago on this program, we discussed our theme for 2013, Immortal Power, plug it in. And we discussed what I believe was a poster that I discussed, a poster that I imagined would be a sort of an illustration of that idea. would be a sort of an illustration of that idea.

And that is, it's a Tom's of Finland style illustration, which is a kind of erotic men's gentleman's art. Tom's of Finland style illustration of Tyrese, who's a beloved figure on this program, both because he was so great in the Fast and the Furious movies and because he's been nice to Jordan on two separate occasions. Three? A few. A handful. A handful of separate occasions.

Jordan is. But once just, and the one that was important was randomly on the street. Yeah. Once unbidden on the street. And Tyrese, sorry, that was me. Tyrese, geez, double. I'm sorry, guys,

I'm blowing up over here. A lot of bloops. Tyrese says, Tyrese is on top of an orca. He's cresting, you know, out of the water.

There's a tumultuous aquatic scene behind him. He's nude. And his dick, his heart, his erection, his... I don't have to explain what this is to you guys. I think we've all had

erections here, except for my little brother. And, um... I mean, he's just a little kid. Sure. I am 11. He's... He's... He's sharing intimacy with the orca's blowhole. And at the point, what I will call the point of intimacy, or the love point, there's lightning bolts shooting into and out of the sky.

They obscure, so you don't necessarily need to see the erection. I mean, I'm sure Tyrese, if Tyrese's erection is as lovely as the rest of his body. You know, face, muscles, every part of Tyrese is beautiful. Singing voice.

Singing voice. Singing voice. Acting chops. One-liner delivery. On-screen charm. Yeah. Then it's a lovely member. But you don't need to see it to understand the connection

between man and beast. The immortal, powerful connection that's happening between man and beast. And Joe created the most beautiful painting of this he took toms of finland one step further with a fully a fully oil painted depiction of this intimate act is this here can i see this oh absolutely you want you want me to load it up on my telephone for you yes i'll i'll i'll say this uh i'm i first of all very grateful for him uh to him for creating this. I will say that when it started to get spread around on the internet, like this is something like people are like, have you seen this?

And they'll like tag me on Twitter or hashtag JJ Go or put my name into Facebook or something. So I saw this, you know, I saw people kind of sending this around and had no idea what it was. I did not remember this conversation at all. I didn't idea what it was. I did not remember this conversation at all. I didn't know what it was. He, and I think, I think he even. I just handed it to him. Oh my God. He even emailed us.

It's so much more realistic than I imagined was possible. It's, I mean, it's beautiful. He's clearly. Just like that time that you really saw Tyrese fucking a whale's blowhole? Well, the funny thing is that Benjamin Franklin actually originally attached a string with a key to it to a black man blowhole fucking a whale. That's where electricity came from. Yeah. When he invented electricity.

But he wasn't as hot as Tyrese, so it didn't work. So he had to go with the whole kite thing. Anyway, Joe. Well, you don't know just about the Middle Ages, Sky. You also know about kind of early American history? I posted that. What a smart guy. Moral of the story.

You've got a quiz bowl, haven't you? Moral of the story, I posted that on my Tumblr, jessithorn.tumblr.com. We posted it on the Jordan Jesse Go Facebook, and we posted it on the new Jordan Jesse Go, the MaxFun Reddit. Yeah. So if you search for Reddit MaxFun, you can find it there. You can upvote it if you like. Hell, you can downvote it if you don't like. I don't understand why you would downvote.

I feel more alive having seen it. Right? Isn't it? It's great. And I'm sorry I maybe didn't respond when people were sending it around. I don't want people to think I was unimpressed by it. I just didn't know what the fuck it was. Look, I loved Megan Cott's paintings of us as cats so much that I hired her to do a portrait of my dogs for my wife for Christmas, which was very well received.

It's beautiful. It is. It's a very beautiful portrait. But this might top Megan's portraits of us as cats. It's tough to say. It's tough to say 100%. It's fucking adorable. It's stunning. It is stunning. Okay, look, when something momentous happens to you, the

listener, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN for momentous occasions. Let's hear the first call. Hi, JJ Goh. This is Avi Milklund. I have a moment of vacation. I just finished up doing some dog training, and as I was driving away, I saw another dog with a backpack, with a leash attached to the backpack, and it was leading a miniature donkey just, like, walking

down the street. And now I know the next thing I have to teach my dog. Bye. Working together we can make a change. What are people doing to their dogs these days? I mean, the last week we had the dog. Working together, we can.

The dog holding the umbrella. I don't know about this. No clean dive moment. Man, that is beautiful. The dog was leading a donkey? Put that dog on the hero dog's calendar. That's January 2014, if I have anything to say about it. Where was it going?

Which you do. Where is it going? A petting zoo? Delivering. Let's say, how about this? Maybe the donk, which is a name for a miniature donkey guy, maybe the donk got lost. And the dog, which unfortunately he didn't tell us what kind of dog. I'd love to have heard that.

But the dog, I mean, people are leaving out crucial information on those calls in their efforts to keep it pithy, which I appreciate. They're leaving out crucial information. But also be descriptive. I imagined it as a larger mutt, like the thing that Punky Brewster owned. Yeah. Great. That's perfect. Yeah, and it's got one of those little backpacks on. Yeah. It's got donk food on one side

and like a little, like, you know those backpacks where it has the water hose that comes out and you can drink from the water hose? Yeah. It's like that,

but for donks. And it's got a special fitting for the big front teeth. And camel sack. It's called donk sack. Yeah. And yeah, it's taking it back

to the petting zoo because the children are worried that the donk is missing. Sure. That might be the case. The llama's there. The alpaca's there.

Do you have an alternate theory, John? I'm pretty sure the dog was born and raised in Oakland, and the donk has never been outside of its petting zoo, probably somewhere an hour outside of Sacramento. And, yeah, they met up. The donk was like, look, I don't know this town. I'm trying to get with this. I don't know the town. I don't to get places. I don't know the town. I don't know the town. Yeah, I'm sorry.

As a Yerria representative, I do have to call it the town. Jesse knows this as a fellow Yerria representative. When you're in the Nickel Dime, you call it the town. Yeah. Yee-yee for all my Frisco homies. Shout out to them. I won't do that. So the donk.

Yeah, unheard of on this show. Unheard of. Please, John. to it i won't do that so the donk yeah unheard of on this show unheard of please john the donk makes friends with the dog a lifelong friendship is formed attaches the leash to the donk and they go on their merry way to the hp pavilion or whatever it's called now yeah they're headed to the hp pavilion the oracle arena i think the oracle arena they're gonna watch the warriors game yeah or the dubs they're gonna go see a little wayne concert with some 14 year old girls who knows yeah go check out louisiana yeah we's the f baby number one stunner what are you what are you people doing with your dogs what the fuck teaching them to bring donks to hip-hop concerts in oakland little dog backpacks are really great because if

you go for a run with your dog the dog dog likes having a job. Dogs always like having a job. And if you're like a lady or whatever, you know, like a lady or whatever, you can put your keys in your phone in the little dog bag so you don't have to carry them in your hands while you're running. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Jordan.

Yeah. Okay. I choose my dog solely on what errands I need it to run. I think this is terrifying. The animals are clearly organizing themselves, working with themselves. They don't need us to own them or take care of them anymore. Well, what's more terrifying? A cross-species revolution.

They seem to have some sort of caste system. The dogs are the bosses. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe the dog works for the donk. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I guess the dog, I mean, like kind of serfdom, the dogs are the closest to the bosses. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe the dog works for the donk. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I guess the dog,

I mean, like, kind of serfdom, the dogs are the closest to the humans. So, you know, the kind of, the orders come down from them.

Either the dog is bringing the donk somewhere or... The human is the pope of the, of this animal revolution. Or the donk owns the dog.

Anyway. You think the donk might own the dog? Yeah. So the donk is taking the dog for a walk and it just looks like the dog is leading the donk might own the dog? Yeah. So the donk is taking the dog for a walk and it just looks

like the dog is leading the donk. I don't know about that. You said it was a case system so I'm

thinking the dogs are the slave class and the donk is like the equestrian class. I'm just saying stop doing weird

Wait the equestrian class? Yeah in ancient Rome the equestrian class was the business class. Oh I thought

it was just what they called the horses. I was a history major. I just I just That donk is going I was a history major. I just, I just. That donkey's going to be riding that horse.

Am I right? Just let your pets do pet stuff. Don't make your pets do weird stuff. Who defines pet stuff, though? What do you want a pet to? This is not normal. This is not normal. I like Jesse's argument.

Dogs like having jobs. They like doing things. Just expecting them to stay in an apartment and do nothing. I'm not saying the dog is having a bad time. Dog's probably having a great time. This is probably great for the dog. I'm just saying it's just fucking weird on purpose. It is weird on purpose.

It's just weird on purpose. The backpack alone is weird. It's going on in Oakland. I blame Jean Kwan. She's the worst. She loves dunks. My Aunt Gail and her partner Deb used to go to a big park in Oakland with their Husky Club, which is a club for owners of Huskies.

It's not for Husky lesbians. Although my Aunt Deb was coincidentally a husky lesbian. It can't be both, Jesse. Well, it is functionally. Yeah, that's what I thought. Sorry, go ahead. But my Aunt Deb and my Aunt Gail would go to a park in Oakland and they would mush their huskies with, you know, dog carts that were on wheels. Because there's no snow in Oakland.

Oakland's a great place. I think that's my moral of the story is Oakland's a really great place. You know, you want a Vietnamese sandwich? Oakland's your spot. You want to mush a husky in non-snow with roller mush?

Oakland's your spot. Would you like your possessions to be stolen out of your car or truck once every six months? Oakland's your spot. Oakland you like your possessions to be stolen out of your car or truck once every six months? Oakland's your spot. Yeah. Oakland's got the game on lock. The game is on lock in Oakland. Okay, let's take our next call.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Brian from the Chicago suburbs calling with a momentous occasion. It's 1030 in the morning on Christmas Eve. It's one degree Fahrenheit. And I'm stuck in traffic behind an old Chevy Suburban. There's something wrong with it, I think, and it's exhaust is blowing perfect smoke rings, just nonstop while you're waiting for this freight train.

I thought that was amazing. Anyway, the moral power, plug it in. Can I mention something? I just realized why the Donk... Sorry, I didn't listen to that call. Why the Donk and the Doggy are friends? Because game recognize game in the Bayman. Yes, JT the Bigger Figure brought them together.

Thank you for shutting down me and Guy's conversation about gay bars earlier. Because, you know, that was too regional. I'm glad we're doing this that everyone can enjoy. You don't know about Oakland rap artists from 1988 or wherever JT the Bigger Fig is. He's still working.

He was watching some of his web videos yesterday. Oh, really? Yeah. He's got a record label. Can there be a separate podcast for this stuff? Sorry. Can we break off and do a separate podcast? Let's do okay two podcasts me and my brother talk about barrier rappers from the 90s oh hell yeah and the two of you talk about your friends we ho gay bar gossip nothing but jesse if you don't do this i'm just gonna do it on my own we have more calls julia wait no i want to say one more call let. Let's hear it. Oh, sorry.

Guy. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I wanted to say off of your discussion of your aunt, that Suburban is clearly a reincarnated old lesbian who just loves blowing smoke rings. And it's like the Christine situation, but she's a helpful old lesbian. So she just solves problems. She doesn't kill anybody. Oh.

Thank you, guys. I mean, it might not have been a Suburban. It might have been a cartoon tugboat. Yes, tug. Blowing smoke rings might not have been a Suburban. It might have been a cartoon tugboat. Yes, tug. Blowing smoke rings. Hanging out with Russell Crowe, fighting around the world. Does Russell Crowe blow smoke rings? No, the South Park episode where Russell Crowe has his tugboat and he's beating it up all the time.

That's right. You're a man in your 20s who has an encyclopedic knowledge of South Park. You're welcome. Like most men in their 20s. Yeah, after like age 19. I should haves. Yeah, after, like, age 19. I should have stopped. Yeah. Let's take our last call.

Hi, this is Mason from San Francisco. I'm actually in Pomona for the holidays with my in-laws, and I actually just saw a cholo grandpa. He had a white mustache, sunglasses, a Raiders hat pulled down low. He had his denim shirt buttoned up at the top, no other buttons, riding a lowrider bicycle through the streets of their neighborhood. I think that was the first time I've ever seen a Cholo Grandpa. Alright, Moral Power,

plug it in. That's the first time you've ever seen a Cholo Grandpa. Don't come to my neighborhood. Speaking of having the game on lock. There's no shortage of Cholo. There's this Cholo Grandpa who lives in my neighborhood, and I see him out on the street. I don't know what he's up to, but I see him really regularly, like a couple times a week. He's up to it.

And the man moves very slowly. Like, he's got to be—I mean, it's hard to say because he's got one of those weathered faces. He could be 50 or he could be 80. But he walks with a cane. He crosses the street where there's no crosswalk across a giant Los Angeles terrifying arterial road and I am

afraid of him I'm physically afraid of him like I'm worried that he's gonna beat me up at all times because of how fucking just you fucking his eyes man this this motherfuckers eyes are like. Anyway, the guy who called in, I think it's interesting that he was having Christmas in

Pomona because of his in-laws. I can only assume that his wife's father is rapper Sugar Free. Yeah. And Jesse, regarding the being afraid of the cholo grandpa, just don't salt his stees. It won't fuck up your game. When you guys were growing up, did you have a middle-tier rapper map of California? No. Jesse just listened and educated me.

They're little pushpins with their faces on it. He would put them all around. I think calling these guys middle-tier may even be a little bit generous. And you don't need a map. You just need a copy of Murder Dog magazine. Hell yeah. You got a copy of Murder Dog then you are all set. Well,

that's it for Momentous Occasions. If you have a Momentous Occasion in future, email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org or call us at 206 984 4FUN. John Thorne, my middle-ist brother, thank you so much for coming on 9 8 4 4 F U N. John Thorne, my, uh, middle-est brother.

Thank you so much, uh, for coming on Jordan, Jesse go and for visiting me in Los Angeles. I love you very much. I love you too. Thanks for having me. Uh,

we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, And it's difficult to know how to resolve it or whether it will resolve or on what timeline it will resolve. I just shouldn't have worn fun summer flats in New York so much. It was a mistake. You were trying to have too much fun. Exactly. You should have been concentrating less on fun and more on practicality.

Practicality is I need to focus more on practicality or like just rubber insoles. What are we talking about? Like ballet flats? I had a pair of espadrilles. I had a pair of like lace-up-y keds. And then I had some flip-flops with no support. Just ridiculous, stupid flip-flops that you shouldn't wear anywhere. But California where you're always in your car.

You were imagining yourself having a resort-like lifestyle in the village. Yes. Well, by then I was on the Upper West Side, so it was even more stupid. The Club Med of New York. In that there were a lot of women around who needed to manage their facial hair more. Yes. That was very Mediterranean.

We got some Jordans on now? I have just nikes just some nikes just some dunks i don't know what jordans are oh air jordans i don't know i guess i jordan has his own line of sneakers at nike yeah are those like are they a specific subsets i don't know you know i feel like anytime i see someone with like kind of kind of that look like you know rare uh sneakers i call i guess i just think of those as jordans what about air max 95s that look like, you know, rare sneakers. I guess I just think of those as Jordans. What about Air Max 95s?

Oh, I don't know. We are now past my knowledge of all this. Well, so there's a lot of guy. If you're talking about Air Jordans and Jordan brand, you're talking about two different things. That's number one. Just because you see the Jumpman doesn't mean it's an Air Jordan sneaker. All right.

Sort of like a matter of whether it's canonical or not. Sure. Okay. You know, Michael Jordan had his own signature sneaker line. New one every year for the past 25 years or so. He was very good at basketball. You got it. You got it.

And acting. Which West Hollywood gay bar did you learn that factoid at? Which quiz bowl?am sesh? On the wall, it totally biased was his number, which I think was 42, but I don't know. 23? 23, that number was up. 42 is Jackie Robinson. 42 is, it's also the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

There you go. Also, I watched like 20 minutes of 42 with my parents on oh like two days ago it was a terrible movie oh that's too bad even with it even with old harrison ford oh he sure was gruff it was him at his gruffest yeah we've never seen him gruffer harrison ford doesn't seem to know that he's in the movies that he's in anymore that's really true but you know he's having a good time yeah absolutely he's doing it. That's really true. But, you know,

he's having a good time. Yeah, absolutely. He's doing it Harrison Ford style. I mean, if people want you to be in a bunch of movies, you'll be in a bunch of movies. Harrison Ford's

living his life. He's fine. I'm not worried about him. being that successful, but also realizing you got that One Academy Award nomination in 1985

and it's never going to happen again. Never be respectable. I guess I'll just be in Ender's Game. That's what he said to himself. Just got to get that guap, you know? He doesn't have enough money yet. Okay, look. Here's the deal.

San Francisco, Los Angeles. Buy your tickets now. Go to MaximumFun.org. Click through. We're going to be in San Francisco. We got these two special shows in San Francisco. One Jordan Jesse Go show. One Mal Sharp tribute show. We've got this amazing show on a fucking battleship for charity.

In San Pedro. It's right next to Los Angeles. Don't mess this up. Don't mess this up. Let's just say Southern California area. If you are in the greater Southland, I say if you don't come to this thing, you're fucking up big time. You're fulfilling the classic Southern California stereotype that you don't believe in anything. I bet Sugar Free is going to come to this all the way from Pomona.

Do you hear that, Encinitas? Yeah, exactly. What's that? Hey, caretakers on Catalina Island, get on a fucking boat and get out there. Inyo County, we're talking to you. Inland Empire. All of the Inland Empire. Burbank, wake up from your nap.

Come down. Get out of the Bob's Big Boy. Let's do this. Oh, actually, I mean, stop by the Big Boy. Get me a burger on the way. Please bring us a couple burgers from the Big Boy. The one in Toluca Lake. Yeah.

Can you stop into the Big Boy in Toluca Lake and say hi to Drew Carey while you're there? Oh, see, this is something we can all agree on. Everyone except the audience. Drew Carey. But seriously, if you're in L.A. and you don't come to this show, you're fucking dead to me. Come on. Come to the show. We'll probably have a great guest.

Fucking going to ASCAD or some shit. Fuck you. How often do we do these shows? Basically never. Once every 18 months if you're fucking lucky. This is for homeless veterans. Wow. Homeless veterans we're doing this for.

Don't you want to have like a moving face that you can put with the menswear blogging? Don't you want to have that context? Yeah. If all you know me from is put this on, you accidentally listened to this program. You want to see where that comes from. Just do it. Look, just, I'm not going to, I'm not here to yell. just do, look, just, I'm not gonna,

I'm not here to yell. The truth is that if you fail to come through for me this time, I'll know that you'll never come through for me again. You'll be dead to me. I'll cut off your podcast feed. I'll kick you in the balls if I see you. And I won't buy you a latte. Even in a situation where it seems like I should buy you a latte, like I just knocked a latte out of your head.

Like they helped you move or something? Yeah. After a move, you want a nice hot latte. I know. You're sweaty. Hot, dairy-filled latte. Yeah, whole milk, three shots, extra hot, and then you just dump it on yourself after you've moved.

Oh, Jordan. Yes. We're doing the Ask Me Anything. Let's do it. Jordan, We're doing the Ask Me Anything. Let's do it. Jordan, Jesse, go the Ask Me Anything. We're doing it one week from the release of this program. Isn't that right? Next Monday, yes.

Next Monday, it is the 8th. Let me get the exact date. I'm going to look at a calendar that's on my phone. Tell me what the GD date is. I'm going to. I got to move from December. Got to move to January. Come on.

Let's look at January. You know what this is? We're going to answer questions about anything. January 7th. That's exciting. I know. What time are we going to do this? On the MaxFun Reddit.

We're going to do it. We'll start at 9 a.m. Pacific. Okay. Noon Eastern. Great. We'll just see how far we can take it. Once it peters out. Yeah.

You know, so 9.30-ish. Yeah. We are going to go from 9 till 9.15. But just search for MaxFunReddit. You'll find the MaxFunReddit and you can post some shit up on there. Yeah. It's really gotten lively lately. I should hope so. I enjoy

the MaxFunReddit. I'm going to ask Jordan what products he uses on his hair. I use... No, don't tell me here. Okay, okay. Save it. Alright. Save it for the AMA. I bet the audience is on pins and needles right now. Guy, you got anything fun that people can come check you out at? Well, it is San Francisco and Los Angeles as well.

If you are in Los Angeles on January 11th, I'm going to be doing Talk Show the Game Show as part of LA Riot Fest. Oh, cool. So you should come to that. And I'm also doing it at a sketch fest on january 31st tell me what talk show the game show is talk to the game show surprisingly enough is a hybrid of a talk show and a game show it's like a three guest talk show and you score points by doing the sorts of things you're supposed to do on a talk show, like name dropping or plugging projects or talking about your charity. And then a lovely panel of judges evaluates your work.

And I would love to have both of you boys on the show at some point in time in future. We would love to. Yes, absolutely. Consider this a yes. Yeah, we'll talk about swords to plowshares. Exactly. That's three points right there. And my good friend Harrison Ford.

Somebody's figured out the game. Julia Smith on the boards this week. Oh, Misha Barton. Brian Fernandez is our producer. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can discuss this show on the forum, forum.maximumfund.org. On the MaxFun Reddit, on our Facebook page. Just search for JordanJesseGo.

So many options. So many options. Or on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo. I love to see an interesting tweet about JordanJesseGo. It's a lot of fun. Hey, get in on the conversation. Everybody's buzzing about JJGo. Guys, you're on the internet.

You might as well sound off. We'll talk to you next time on JordanJesseGo. You're on the internet. You might as well sound off. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica.