Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 307: Down to Host with Tess Barker

Episode Date: January 6, 2014

Comedian Tess Barker joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of mean teenagers, the new reboot of Real Sex and hypothetical hosting jobs. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles. Beautiful day to hang out at the house while a child runs around screaming, I'm yelling! I'm yelling. I'm yelling. I'm existing.

I'm made of matter. Just saying things. He just lives in the world. Yeah. You know what I mean? He's in the moment. He's of the moment. Got to go on an exciting field trip this morning.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Natural History Museum. I wanted, here's the thing. On the weekend, sometimes I'll take Simon to do something fun. Simon's my two-year-old, for folks who don't know. And I was trying to think of something I hadn't done with him recently. And because I go to the zoo a lot, we go to the kids' museum a lot, we go to the park a lot.

Yeah. It's pretty much our three main places we go. I thought it would be nice if there was somewhere else. And I asked my wife. Gun range. Yeah. The rendering plant. I asked my wife, you know, where should I take Simon tomorrow morning?

And she just looked at me just dead-eyed and exhausted and just said, Trader Joe's. Well, I mean, samples? Yeah. It's not a terrible idea. Hey, they were handing out little containers of Joe's O's with blueberries mixed in. So he was delighted by the samples. The Joe's O's didn't have blueberries. This was like something the sample person was doing.

Right. The sample person was showing- A serving suggestion. have blueberries. This was like something the sample person was doing. Right. The sample person was showing how you can improvise and create your own recipes on the fly if you have Jozo's on hand. So outside the Trader Joe's, there is a group of high school students, classic street toughs. They're throwing dice? Holding a bake sale. Okay.

There's probably- For Saturday night specials? Like they're raising money to try and buy Saturday night specials? Yes. They're raising money to buy a saw for their shotguns. Okay.

To make them deadlier. Yes. They've modified their shotguns. But less accurate. To shoot saws. Okay. So they're out there holding a bake sale for their high school. And I'm noticing this because they're terrifying passersby by applauding whenever someone comes by and like being en masse.

Like there's got to be 18 of these kids. Bake sale! Woo! And people are trying to avoid eye contact with them because it's so intense. They're being very pleasant. So intense. Could it read as sarcastic? No, this was sincere.

These were very sincere teens. Could people think they're like, yeah, you're walking by. You're not buying a lemon bar. Could you have interpreted it as that tone yeah, you're walking by. You're not buying a lemon bar. Like is that – could you have interpreted it as that tone? If you're a turkey. I don't think these people are turkeys. They're just afraid of teenagers. It's perfectly reasonable.

Who's not afraid of teenagers? No, I am. I mean really big teenagers. Sure. But that's all I can come up with. So – I'm just – I mean I guess I'm not afraid of teenagers. I guess I'm just self-conscious that they probably have more Tumblr followers than I do.

So it's more of an envy thing. So I, after I finished shopping for real groceries, I'm like, I'm going to go to this bake sale. I'm going to get something for my wife. That's nice. You know, bring home something nice, a little nice something to chew on, a little nibble. You know what I'm talking about? A sweet treat. Yeah, sure. You see where I'm going

with this. Right. So I go up, number one, my eyes immediately drawn to the empanadas. What kind of empanadas are these? They tell me disappointedly, meat. Because they're trying to,

because they probably have had a day of people thinking they're apple empanadas or, you know, tropical fruit empanadas. And it turns out they're meat empanadas. People don't want them. I'm delighted. I bought five empanadas right off the bat. Show me a meat empanada that I won't buy.

What was this raising money for? Did you see? Homecoming dance, maybe? Okay. I don't know. Hard to say. Class of something or other. You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Eagle Rock High School, class of whatever. Yeah. Scientology something something auditing center. I don't know. Just some nice Scientology teens trying to build a new auditing center. Something something. Trying to save the auditing center. I don't know. Just some nice Scientology teens trying to build a new auditing center. Something something. Trying to save the auditing center. I think it was the Pitler Youth.

Jesse, I think these were neo-Nazis. I think you bought empanadas from a group of teen neo-Nazis. They were really good. I mean, when you consider how blonde and blue-eyed this group of children were, they really did make a nice empanada. Okay. You probably watch a lot of, what's that guy called, Rick Moody? Is that the guy who makes Mexican food? Rick Bayless makes Mexican food on public television.

So anyway, I bought some empanadas. I bought a bag of chocolate chip cookies, which I'm pretty sure were just chocolate chip cookies from the store after I ate one, which is bullshit. And they re-bagged them? Yeah, they just re-bagged them. What the fuck, kids these days? Millennials, am I right? The best part was, the reason I'm feeling so good today going into today's recording, some teens got together talking amongst themselves. I'm like, what are these teens behind me talking about?

Because I'm at one table, they're behind me at the other table. I think they're fucking scheming on me, you know what I mean? Sure. And they go, fresh Air Max 1, sir. Yeah, sure. They thought my kicks were fresh. This is another installment in the run of stories Jesse's told that end in him getting a compliment.

From teens, though. Sure. From teens. To be fair, does most of your stories end in you getting a compliment? It's a problematic compliment because they did call me sir, which seems weird at the end of that sentence. Sure. But I'll take what I can get, Jordan. I mean, did the cashier say anything to you?

Nice smile? No. Nice car? I don't get a lot of compliments, Jordan. I mean, not according to this podcast. I would think you get at least one a week because you have at least one compliment story per week. Jordan, the point is these teens, you know, these people say a lot of bad things about millennials. Sure.

You know what I mean? They say they're lazy, won't move out of their parents' houses. All they do is Facebook like, you know, send dick pics with their Snapchats. Sure. I really believe in millennials. I met a few millennials lately outside Trader Joe's who i thought were very polite really knew a lot about cool sneakers and really knew about respecting their elders without making them feel too old uh you know i have i ran uh across a trader joe's outside person recently. Can we introduce our guest? Let's introduce our guest.

She's a comic and most significantly recently the co-host of one of the new MaxFun podcasts, Lady to Lady, Miss Tess Barker. Hi, guys. How's it going? It's great to have you on the program, Tess. Thanks for having me. Has anyone complimented you lately? Gosh, no, not like that.

And from a teenager, that means a lot. Right? Because, yeah, I got actually, I had an insult from a teenager lately that really hurt, which I feel like the teenagers in their natural state is insulting you. But I'm learning how to surf right now. And they said, nice surfing, sir. Yeah, basically.

Oh, I'm learning how to surf. And I have this, like, you know, tacky, cheap board that I got at Costco. It's 99 bucks. You got it in a pack with three other boards. Yeah. You got your surfboard at Costco? Yeah, I'm not how to surf. And I have this like, you know, tacky cheap board that I got at Costco. It's 99 bucks. You got it in a pack with three other boards. Yeah. You got your surfboard at Costco? Yeah. I'm not ready for like a big girl one yet. I got like a cheap like styrofoam one.

Also because I suck. Wait, wait. Are you just surfing on a pallet of ramen noodles? Okay. It's a boogie board, you guys. Yeah. And so I. Does it have a, does it have a humanoid shark with sunglasses on it, like tipping his sunglasses, giving a thumbs up?

What is that, Maui and sun? Is it inflatable? Does it have handles? Is it shaped like a dolphin? And then there's a penguin head on the front of it. Yeah. And actually, it just sits around my waist. But no, so I have this crappy surfboard, and it's pink, which I thought was kind of cute.

It's shaped like a dolphin. It has a penguin head. This is the outside. It just says inflatable nightmare creature. My surfboard is a sequel to Blackfish. Okay. It's the surfboard that makes you feel bad about SeaWorld. Yeah.

You're floating on the sea, the high seas. Yeah. I get done. I caught a couple waves, which I was proud of myself for. Did you get up? Yeah, I got up. Yeah, I stood up. Sounds like a pretty successful sesh to me. Thank you. Thank you. And I say- Maybe as far as seshes go. As far as seshes go, it was, yeah, it was on the higher end. And so- What are you wearing? Wetsuit, probably. Yeah. Sure. I'm not that hardcore.

Yeah. And so I get out of the water- Just board shorts is probably what you should wear next time. Or just sneakers, apparently. Maybe that'll help me. And there's these surfer kids, and they go, hey, nice board. And I thought they were, like, being legitimate. I'm like, thank you. And then I walk, like, three seconds, and then they all just start snickering behind my back.

Like, they were being sarcastic and making fun of my board. Did you see their boards? What did their boards look like? They were, like, nice. They got theirs at Sam's Club. Yeah. Sure. So I think that you should really take that to heart that you got a compliment from teenagers nice. They got theirs at Sam's Club. Yeah. Sure. So I think that you should really take that to heart

that you got a compliment from teenagers because I don't think that happens very often. I have heard, and I don't know if this is true, but I have heard that if you pour one of the Costco boards into a Brita, you get Grey Goose.

Well, it's not exactly Grey Goose, but it tastes like Grey Goose. It tastes like Grey Goose. It's that quality. I mean, yeah, because that's the only difference between an expensive surfboard and Grey Goose vodka is filtering. Are you genuinely not afraid of teenagers, Jordan? No, I'm pretty afraid of teenagers. Okay.

I'm pretty afraid of them. Oh, yeah. Did I mean to imply that I'm not? You said specifically that you weren't. You claimed to not. No, no, no. I am afraid of them. Oh, yeah. Did I mean to imply that I'm not? You said specifically that you weren't. You claimed to not. No, no, no. I am afraid of teenagers. I mean, afraid, jealous, angry.

Yeah. Mad at. Okay. Sure. Oh, you know, Tess, I was telling the story a couple weeks ago about going to see Chance the Rapper and being easily the oldest guy there. Sure. Something that happened to me that I kind of felt good about was I was mad at the girls

who I felt like were dressed too slutty. I was like, really? Really? Have a little self-respect. I'm like, oh, good. I'm on the right side of this. How about some slacks? Put on some slacks.

I can see part of your butt, madam. Wow. Young lady. Did you verbalize that? Is that the first time that you've had that experience, looking at young people? Yes, these are the first young people I've seen in some time. And been disgusted by. Yeah. I know what you mean, though. I actually used to substitute teach, and I was pretty young when I did it.

I was like 23 years old when I started, and I was really scandalized, by the way. It doesn't take long after high school to realize how horrible high school people are and how they dress. Well, you weren't scandalized by high school when you were in high school? Because when I say I thought everyone was afraid of teenagers, my presumption is that includes teenagers. Other teens, yeah. Yeah. I loved high school. I also had a great time in high school.

Yeah. But I went to an arts high school. Oh, okay. I went to a weird high school. I don't think my high school was all American at all. Did you guys have popular kids? Not really. They were probably just the kids that did like volunteer work and were the good artists

and stuff? Well, to some extent to the good artists. Right. artists and stuff or well to some extent to the good the good artists right i mean the dance the dance department acted like popular kids in the sense that they were all very skinny very beautiful and smoked all the time okay so they were popular kids wait do the popular kids smoke all the time sure yeah yeah i think that's i think that's across the board yeah popularity is like 33 percent how many drugs and alcohol you do i mean school. I mean, I was- Oh God, then everyone at my high school was very popular. I will say that an Orange County specific

that I think probably that I dealt with a little bit that maybe everybody else didn't is like the cool religious kids. Like the good looking, like hip youth group. Yeah. I'm from Ventura County, which is a parallel universe. Oh, interesting. So you know kind of that phenomenon.

Yeah. For us, it was Mormons. That's real? Oh, totally. Yeah. I'm from Ventura County, which is a parallel universe. Oh, interesting. So you know kind of that phenomenon. Yeah. Yeah. For us, it was Mormons. That's real? Oh, totally. Yeah. There's like the phenomenon of the hip youth group. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Totally. Not just like clean cut, but like other kids think they're cool? Yeah. Like they're good looking. They all surf. Surf. They're charismatic.

Yeah, sure. They're beautiful. They date each other. They drive nice cars. Good shape. Yeah. Yeah. Their parents are usually pretty well off, so they have nice cars and like, you charismatic. Yeah, sure. They're beautiful. They date each other. They drive nice cars. Good shape. Yeah. Yeah, their parents are usually pretty well off, so they have nice cars and like, you know. Yeah.

Nobody in my high school had cars. Fun soda parties. Yeah, nobody had cars. If you had a car, that was a big deal. Where did you grow up? San Francisco. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, like a couple of kids that were from out of town and had like applied to get in because you had to do like inter-district. Like later on, like our senior year of high school, my wife drove to school, I think, in her parents' car. But like almost nobody had cars. I wonder if that contributed to your lack of sort of like an in crowd because that was such a big determinant of how popular in my high school was like what you drove and like what you did with your car yeah what was your what was your high school car uh i mean the popular girls drove mustangs and the popular guys drove trucks like lifted trucks like super so yeah this this sounds this is this is uh this is matching up yeah yeah yeah were all the popular kids at your high school just Joel Osteen? Who's that?

Adjacent, yeah. The Purpose Driven Life guy? Oh, okay. The smiley, yeah. Rick Warren? I thought that's Pastor Rick Warren. Oh, Joel Osteen is, sorry, Joel Osteen is in direct competition. Ah, okay, okay, yeah, yeah.

Sure. You're absolutely right. Rick Warren is the Purpose Driven Life guy. Oh, are we done with high school? Can I move on to my being harassed outside Trader Joe's? Yes. OK, OK. Yeah, sure. You're absolutely right. Rick Warren is the purpose driven life guy. Oh, are we done with high school? Can I move on to my being harassed outside Trader Joe's? Yes. So I was at Trader Joe's the other day and there was not a teen bake sale, but the significantly less charming people collecting money for liberal cause X. for liberal cause X. And they like yell at you. They yell at you like,

hey, do you have some time for gay rights? Or like, hey, do you have some time for human rights? It's always like something that if you say no to, you'll feel bad about on the way home. And they're always like, I don't know who they get to do these. I have a hard time figuring out who these people are, but I think they're like, you know. I know exactly. exactly do you want to know they're like college kids who need money adam my friend adam uh when we were in college ish 19 ish yeah he had that job for a whole summer he

said basically what would happen and my uh my roommate from college uh mike eroticus he also had that job but for like two days yeah and adam said adam was a door-to-door canoticus, he also had that job, but for like two days. And Adam said, Adam was a door-to-door canvasser, but he also did sometimes on the street. And he said, like, it was just anyone who would take them, anyone they could get. They tried to get good-looking college-age people, and just 90% of the people quit every 24 hours. Yeah, I believe it. I'm surprised it's not higher.

Yeah. I mean, and do they make, do you know if they make money based on how many people they sign up? Yes. So if you're getting signatures, you get paid per signature. And if you're raising money, you get paid generally like a percentage or a bonus based on the amount of money that you raise. And so like Adam, you know, he's sort of a good looking, clean cut, all-American type young man and he's not intimidating looking or anything, very sincere. He made pretty good money but it was only because he was willing to take shit for an entire summer. So this girl is out front and she is – I think she is probably the kind that they're looking for.

She's young. She's kind of cute. She's got like a fun, I don't know, she's got tights on, like colored tights. He said everyone else who was successful was a pretty girl. Yeah, sure. I think that is probably. I mean, if you're going to harass people on the street, you should probably be a pretty girl. Yeah, sure.

Yeah. Fun glasses. Sure. Cute frames. And she's like, hey, do you have some time for blah, blah, blah? And I was like, oh, no, sorry. She's like, no, come on. It'll just take a second.

I'm like, sorry, I got to go. And as I'm walking away, she's like, wait, I really want to get to know you. Oh. Which was, which like felt so desperate. I felt bad. I was like, oh, that's. And then I probably should. That sounds like she's offering sex. It does. It really does. I feel like I should have

said, okay, I'll listen to your pitch, but first you have to hear 30 minutes about what I've accomplished in 2013. Like, I have to have a really serious conversation where I feel like you know me after it. Then I will consider giving money to the ACLU. I'll tell you about my goals for the future. Right. Why I don't think money to the ACLU. I'll tell you about my goals for the future. Right. Why I don't think I've achieved them yet. Why I feel like I sabotage relationships. Just really go deep with this girl in front of the chair. Why no one ever gives me any compliments

unlike my co-host, Jesse. Who's constantly being complimented. Wow. And why I'm so desperate for company that I turned around to talk to you. Yeah. You yelled at me. She sort of like reverse cat called you.

It was a little bit. I mean, that's sort of like when you get cat called by, like, you know. But that's what I think that's essentially what they're relying on. They're relying on the fact that a man will be so confused that a pretty woman wants to talk to him that he'll just do whatever she says just anything just because just in a in a sort of haze state you know sort of like um like your brain is in a state similar to your legs after you get off an ocean liner yeah that makes yeah like your brain is still in hot girl yeah what what whoa it's in hot girl yeah it's like how you okay it's like how immediately after you get off one of those carnival rides like one of those carnival

rides it's always spinning as soon as you get off those somebody's always offering you a timeshare yeah right does that make sense yeah that makes perfect okay great we'll be back in just a second jordan jessica In just a second, our Jordan Jessico. La, la, la, la. So much stuff to listen to. The first new Max Fund show is Oh No Ross and Carrie. They join fringe religious groups, undergo alternative medicine treatments, and investigate the paranormal, all so you don't

have to. Your new late night best friends are Jasper Redd and Kimberly Clark, and their new Max Fund show is called The Goose Down. Not to be missed. Also coming to Max Fund in January, Song Exploder. It's a podcast that talks to musicians about their songs and deconstructs how they were put together. And our fourth new show is Lady to Lady, a weekly talk show with Tess Barker, Brandi Posey, and Barbara Gray.

It's like The View, if The View was a good thing. It's like The View, if The View was a good thing. And one final announcement. Dave Holmes, the great Dave Holmes from television, is joining the network as the new host of our funniest heck international quiz show, International Waters. It's going to be a great year for Maximum Fun. You can check out all our new shows at MaximumFun.org or wherever you find your podcasts.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Tess Barker, comic, wearing a Batman shirt? Question mark? I mean, you definitely are wearing a Batman shirt. Is that a homemade Batman shirt? It's not.

Okay. Speaking of compliments, that's one of those things that when someone says- Is that homemade? Did you make that? I mean, it looks homemade in like a cute Etsy way, not in like you fucked this up way. Like it's charming. Thank you? Yeah.

Yeah, thank you. But it's still one of those things that, yeah, you don't know whether to say thank you to that or, yeah. He's trying to insult you. I was. I like to cut people down before the podcast. I wish that my screen printing skills were this good. It seems like it's not quite the Batman logo. It seems like it is the closest you can be to the batman logo without being

like legally you know obliged to dc comics anyway um i so the question mark was appropriate yeah i was driving i was driving here and um i saw a car with a license plate that said l-O-V-E-M-K-R. I thought that was pretty cool. Oh, that took me a second, but that's sexy. Isn't that sexy? Yeah. Oh. What do you want?

Like, let's go. Let's do this. Let's follow. I'm going to follow this car. It was like a... You follow the car that just goes to Costco. If I was going to describe the car, I don't remember exactly what it was, but I think that speaks to what kind of car it was.

Like maybe it was a 2010 Camry. Who gives a shit? You know what I mean? Or like, you know, like a Hyundai Elantra. You'd think it would be like, perfect car would be like Cadillac, like old, like classic Cadillac or something. But the classic Cadillac doesn't need the plate because it just says lovemaker. Sure.

The Hyundai accent. Or I got this from my grandma after she died. Right. But she just says lovemaker. Sure. The Hyundai accent. Or I got this from my grandma after she died. Right. But she was a lovemaker. Yeah, well, otherwise your mom wasn't born. Grandma's been making some love. I just made me really glad. I was like, you know what?

I'm behind that. Generally a vanity license plate, not behind. Sure. But, you know, hey, get your lovemaking on. I wonder how much he gets laid, though. A lot with that license plate? I don't think so. I mean, if I have a boyfriend...

Do you think they would have given it to him if he wasn't getting laid a lot? Sure. Yeah, I think anyone can... Really? Yeah, I don't think you have to show, you know, your bed sheets from the last month. I know.

You know what? I was about to make a smell my finger joke, but I think you're a bed sheet joke. Let's just leave it there. The FCC doesn't look for blood on the sheet. Is that what you're saying? I think they just say congratulations and give you the plate. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I think that would be a deal breaker. If I was on a date with a guy and I came out and his license plate and said love maker that would be like a text my girlfriends and have them pretend like I'm having an emergency situation. Really? Yeah. You wouldn't be ready to make love? Just the phrase make love. You're like... That's what makes it so great.

That's what makes it so tremendous. If it just... Would you prefer it if it said bone down? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean if it said like hard cock or something, nobody wants that. But it says love maker. This is a guy who puts on some music, you know?

I mean, I guess he could play it off like if it seemed like his date was unimpressed. He could say, oh, no, it stands for a love marker because I like to get high from sniffing markers. Oh's true yeah or as i guess bone down well bone down i guess you could be like a dog trainer or something oh yeah sure maybe he's a he's a um paleontologist boner killer it's a real bummer yeah bone down oh man speaking of boning down jordan right before we went on the air you like offhandedly mentioned to me that you had watched a reboot of HBO's Real Sex. Yes. Number one, I did not know that's a thing.

Neither did I. Yeah, it's a thing. It crept up on America like a thief in the night. Did Real Sex go off the air before it was rebooted? You know, I guess, I mean, it seems like every episode of Real Sex, and I feel like, you know, they keep them on HBO. Sure. What's been your experience with the Real Sex franchise, Tess? How many have you been in?

I've just sent background for them. It's five for me, but I'm a real lovemaker. I know. No, I just like, I like real bone down on showtime or cinemax right uh no i think i've only seen like maybe a little bit of a couple of them what's it's like a documentary series yeah so it was it was i mean i think the you know prime year for it was like 1993 okay and you know uh i i definitely remember the like our family had HBO for maybe maybe three months, a really short period of time. But I remembered it because Mr. Show was on Tenacious D was on and Real Sex was on.

And, you know, those were my I would say my prime interest. You still masturbate to those. I still masturbate to those old Tenacious D episodes. Yeah. So, you know, and it's like this documentary and and it it and it's a sex series made by like former pottery teachers, like is the best way to describe it. Okay. It's like really like crunchy sex positive like, you know. But it's obviously just an excuse to show porn on HBO.

Right. Yeah, exactly. So they do show sex. They do, but like. They don't show hard-ons though, do they? They don't show, yeah, you don't see a penis. Do you see V? You will see the front of a V, not the inside.

Not the inside, okay. They don't have a V cam. That's what we call a GoPro these days. So yeah, it's very 90s. All the women before they're nude have blazers with shoulder pads. Okay. And, you know, it's like watching Paula Poundstone get fucked. That sounds really hot.

It does sound really fun. Anyway, so. Although that's pretty rude to say because she is on record as being asexual. That's true. Probably because she got it all out of her system in 1993. When she was starring in all those episodes of Real Sex. Anyway, so I have HBO Go. All the classics are hanging out on HBO Go.

Sure. They're lovely. But they rebooted it. I guess the first episode was on last night. It is called Sex Backslash Backslash Now. No. I guess at least... Are you sure they didn't reboot it in 2001?

Yeah. And leave it in the can and take it out now accidentally? At least it's not like hashtag sex. It may as well be, though. I know, right? That reminds me of there was a 2001 Britney Spears song called Email My Heart. That sounds like it's from the same time. Yeah, that's the theme song.

Okay. That was from her album V-Mail? Yeah. So yeah, so this whole episode revolved around the culture of, like, cam performers. So the first segment was just a montage of cam girls talking about how great it is to be an independent business person. Sure. Which I have thought about. I mean, not doing it, but I just felt like that's a really—

Being an independent business person. But, yeah, that seems— You have thought about having a roasted peanut cart. Who doesn't love roasted peanuts? Or coconuts or whatever. Sure, you've thought about, yeah. You've thought about a roasted coconut cart? That is very innovative.

Thank you. And yeah, you can set up a camera. People can watch me sell it. Sure, yeah. But they just, they like, it's like people who really get off on like get up and go. Yeah, yeah. Like self-starters. Yeah, yeah.

Like moxie baiters. Yeah, exactly. That is sort of like very pro-woman. Like if you're really just coming to the fact that she's like making her own money. Making it in a man's world. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I mean, that's.

Yeah, you grow up watching Mary Tyler Moore.ore yeah it imprints itself onto your sexuality uh so this episode's about cam so yeah so there's so there was you know montage of cam girls there is um then there is a uh there was a kind of interview segment with a kind of this alterna couple who like have a website where it's just them fucking in various parts of their house and then exotic locations. How exotic?

Pineapple Grove? There was one where they were in the middle of like, it seemed to be like a southwestern desert. Oh. That's pretty exotic. It was pretty exotic. If I were were them i'd be worried about coyotes yeah or corn-based salsas it's a concern uh and then the last one was oh so then they had their the man on the street segment uh he's a corn-based good one tex-mechs right yeah southwest anyway um so then they had the so all the real sexes always have like man on the street segments and it's like like like they get couples coming out

of a bar and it's like would you ever do a three-way and then they like laugh and the guy's like no yeah and like that's the he would yeah he will i mean he says no in front of his girlfriend but but then once then he owns up to it once they ether his girl now that your girlfriend has been ethered uh will you do a three-way yes i will uh so this one they had kind of this uh very cute but kind of annoying host of these. And she was carrying around this device and it's like the shape of a bean. It's about as big as a volleyball and it has a vagina, a vaginal opening. Okay. And it's a masturbating machine. So it's like a giant pocket pussy? Yeah, exactly. This is from the movie Castaway. Yes, this is a Wilson. On one side, it's a vagina. On the other side, it's a face. Yes, a home painted Tom Hanks face. And she was like going around asking people if they would fuck this and it a lot of it was kind of the same

beat was like a couple and the guy going no yeah um and i guess this is part of a part of a website where you have this in your house the cam performer has a phallus uh at their place of residence or in the middle of their desert or wherever it is that they're doing this. And they manipulate this phallus part. You have the volleyball on your penis. Why does it have to be a volleyball? That's just kind of what it looks like.

Okay. Yeah. It seems like a lot of extra material, but okay. It's like kind of, I mean, it's kind of like curved. It's kind of bean shaped. That's about the size though. Could you just call it the bean? You could call it the bean.

Like the bean? Fucking the bean. Would you mind calling it Mr. Bean? Yes. Just a personal life. How about let's just call it Rowan Atkinson. Okay, great. Let's call it the Black Adder.

Yeah. So you put this on your weenus, and the cam performer manipulates this penis shaped thing. And apparently what they're doing to that is what you feel inside the Rowan Atkinson. Oh, that's kind of cool. Yeah. It seemed kind of cool.

Um, and they plugs into a USB port. Oh, great. Well, it's convenient for easy charging. It's a lot easier than if it was firewire. Cause then you have to worry about,

do I have the right ports? Yeah. Oh, I think I have the right ports? Yeah. Oh, I think they have the right ports. So, yeah. So, I think I was pretty disappointed in it, the reboot. How did you feel about the reboot of Dream On? Oh, have they done that?

No, but I think that would be great. That would be fun. But they just, like, used clips from, like... Should I have said Arliss instead? Oh, no. Dream On's better. Okay. Yeah, that would be great. That would be fun. But they just like use clips from like- Should I have said Arliss instead? Oh no, Dream On's better. Okay. Yeah, that would be funny if they, yeah, for the new Dream On, if they just showed clips from like 90s sitcoms to show how he's feeling.

Just clips from Dream On. The original Dream On. Oh man, that's a Mobius strip. Fans of community would love that. So many intertextual references. Oh, yeah. Anyway, so I think he was disappointed. I think I wanted more crunchy weirdos.

Isn't that coming up on episode two? I hope so. I really hope so. I have a question for you guys. You mentioned that the host was good-looking, but maybe a little annoying. Your girlfriends aren't here. Would you take a job as the host of HBO's Real Sex? Absolutely.

No. Yeah. Yeah, I think that would be kind of fun. I mean, I don't think I'm what they're going for. What would be the pay rate that would convince you? Like, let's say... I mean, I don't think I'm what they're going for. What would be the pay rate that would convince you? Scale. But let's say it's non-union. I mean, let's presume it's non-union.

In this case, she'd be a segment producer or a predator. Would you do it for 500 an episode? Yeah. I mean, I like talking to people about sex. And the host doesn't have to have sex with anyone right they just are talking to people yeah she just had to show them you have to have had sex

okay yeah I've done that I've gone to the bone zone guys when you go to the audition you have to bring your sheets you have to let the producer smell your sheets and if they are if they have been made love upon. It's like a really bizarre version of the princess and the pea.

Is there a show on television? Jordan, we were talking about your willingness to sell out. Sure. Is there a show on television that you would not host, either of you? Because both of you are in a position where potentially you could be in the running to host a television program you might don't know what kind of auditions you're going out for but you know they're your name might come up and i mean i'll say this is this is this is uh an apt conversation i think probably test the last time we saw each other we were coming we were going into a job audition job yeah so when people say get get me a Tess Barker type, they get Tess Barker and Jordan Morris.

Sure. Classic. Yeah. Classic. Peppy, blonde, high energy. That was for a reboot of HBO's, god damn it, what's, Real Sports with Brian Gumbel? Yeah. We were auditioning for the part of Brian Gumbel.

I was going to say Friday Night Fights. Is that what it's called? The boxing promotion on HBO? Friday Night Lights is the closest thing I know. Anyway, Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel is just as good. It's good. It's fine. Yeah.

That's a lot of fun. What television programs would you not host? Geez, that... I mean, I'm pretty much for sale. Would you host a show... Would you host one of those shows where it's all about eating gross things? Jordan, you went on a web series about eating gross things. That's true.

And you went back. I have eaten two gross things. I was hosted by Comedy's Ron Babcock, a friend of ours. Oh, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I did one where I ate balut, which is an unfertilized or a partially fertilized chicken egg. It's like a soft-boiled egg, but the chicken has been mostly made inside. Are there bones? There are bones.

Did you eat the bones? Yeah, I ate the bones, guys. It's called going to the bones. And then Chris Fairbanks and I ate the world's hottest pepper on another one. I would do that. I'm into eating hot stuff. Okay. I'm a vegetarian

so that would probably limit me. I wouldn't eat any weird. You wouldn't take a job. Would you take a job on a major cable network that was a food show that required you

occasionally to eat food on camera? As long as it was That had meat in it? No. What if they let you spit it out after you chewed it? Like they cut and then you spit it out. Huh.

Into a spit bucket. That's a major, major network, and I'm the host. This is a major cable network. So this isn't ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, but we're talking about MTV, VH1. Basic cable package. How often do I have to eat meat that I spit out? I mean, it depends on what the segment producers come up with.

I would do it like twice. I would spit out meat. I couldn't do it. You don't get the job. You didn't get the job. I wouldn't get the job. We have to make 10 episodes of this thing. Yeah.

Jordan, you're not a vegetarian. Would you take that job? Yes, where I had to eat something and spit it out? Yes. I actually turned down a job recently. Oh. So this was kind of my limit, I guess. I guess I found my limit.

Congratulations. Thank you. Yes. I found my limit. It's good to know where it lies. And the job was, it was for an internet show where they wanted to talk about the, it's kind of one of those. Hentai shows? It's one of those hentai shows. They want to talk about the top ten hentais.

The top ten tentacle schoolgirl sex combinations. It's one of those shows where it's like- Right now, somebody who was into hentai is really angry. They're like, you know, not all hentai is about tentacles and schoolgirls. Some of it is about- Robots and schoolgirls. Or schoolgirls. Sometimes they'll be joined by a bear-like creature.

Or a griffin. There are baseball players sometimes. The idea of this show is it's an internet show where you talked about all the cool stuff that went down on YouTube that week. And the idea was that like, so they called me and I'm like, oh, like oh so this you know are we going to do like jokes or sketches and the the people were like no you know we don't really want to make fun of this we want to talk about how excited we are about this stuff we don't think this stuff is funny we love it we think it's great and i i just i i cannot muster that enthusiasm for youtube i don't think I could have. That's fair.

That's fair. Especially if you can't make fun of it. I have been in that position where I've taken a job and not realized that I wasn't going to be able to make fun of the thing. Can you talk about the, without talking about the specifics? Yeah, it was something where we were referencing something else that was clearly extremely campy. It was a really

corny hentai it was so 80s yeah um and you know i had already like taken the job and was already in the midst of it and that was a shitty position to be in because i felt like i couldn't do a very good job yeah and i understand like creating one of those shows and not wanting to be tosh you know like i understand although i think tosh is a pretty funny dude and they write good jokes on that show. Yeah, I understand not wanting to be, you know, cruel or fratish about something. But I feel like a lot of people will look for a comedian to do a job, but not want them to be funny. I just want them to be excited. We just want you to get stoked.

We want you to stoke everybody out. And it's like that attitude of like just getting excited about other people's work that I can't I can't muster. You know, it's like I have to be I have to be creating something of value here, not just going like, look at these guys. Oh, man. Awesome. You know, I can't just be saying something's awesome all day yeah I think that's a job that you don't need a comedian for you just need a really enthusiastic actor exactly yeah exactly there's nothing wrong with that if that's your bag but you don't go after people that sort of write and create their own content a lot of people want to grow up to be an enthusiastic actor

just yeah yeah a pleasant guy with cool glasses frames. Right, that's fine. There's plenty of those. Yeah, totally. And I think that, yeah, that's definitely something I've had to navigate a little bit as somebody with hosting experience. Sometimes I'll have to say, I don't think I'm what you're looking for. Like, I don't think.

So that was truly the reason you didn't take the show. Yeah, yeah. Because you didn't think it was going to be creatively fulfilling? Yeah. Would you host a show for Fox News? Oh. Oh, sure. Totally. Yeah. If I could be. Oh, God. Speaking of speaking of the job hunt, I am doing a writing packet for a TV show that is forcing me to watch a lot of Fox News. And I think a role I would like on Fox News is ugly liberal guy. I would like on Fox News is ugly liberal guy. Like they will, like Fox News has the liberal perspective, but it always is always from the ugliest person. So I would be their ugly liberal.

Like, you know, I mean, listen, I'm not a great looking guy. I don't know if I'm ugly enough to be ugly liberal. You can ugly me up. I'm saying I will sit in the makeup chair. Yeah, I guess anyone could get ugly up. Weird mole. Yeah, I guess anyone could get uglied up. Weird mole? Yeah. Comb over?

So you'd want to go in. I might even want to go in like mole style and pretend to be a regular Fox News correspondent. Oh. That might be fun for me. You would take a journalism job is what you're saying. You guys, I might want to be a reporter. You're thinking. A hard news reporter.

Like everyone on Fox News. You're thinking that you would want to go to a war zone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, legally blonde, the war zone. I think I could be Fox News' Spitherspoon. I mean, you're about, I mean, all the Fox News lady hosts have 20 years on you, probably. But, I mean, you know, you've got the look. I'm spunky.

Sure. I'm fun. Would you guys host a television program with Sarah Palin? It's you and Sarah Palin. And you're not the counterweight to Sarah Palin. You're the host. You're the hosty, talented host down the middle. And Sarah Palin is the person who's less good at being on TV but more famous.

Oof. I think I personally would just, because I love doing stuff like that just for the story. Like, I would do that just because that sounds so ludicrous and so insane. You've got to sign a five-year contract. No, no. I mean, who knows if this thing's going to get picked up.

I mean, Sarah Palin's TV stuff has not been a huge success to this point. That's true. Her Christmas book is quite popular, though. She has a Christmas book? She totally has a Christmas book. What is it, like decorating tips? Well, guys, I know so much about the Sarah Palin Christmas book.

You caught me on the exact right day. Sarah Palin has a book. It's about the war on Christmas. No. um sarah palin has a book it's about the war on christmas no most of it is just pictures of her doing christmas at home in her various homes throughout her life so if you like family photos featuring sarah palin great book um maybe doesn't point to the fact that this was a labor of love constructed thoughtfully but i don't know maybe a holiday cash-in sure and they just needed to fill some space uh yeah so what she talks about uh you know atheism being worse than the spanish inquisition for instance she literally compares i'm not

surprised at all yeah so yeah i mean i think it starts out kind of folksy eggnoggy huskies in alaska hearth and then just goes into super awful liberal stuff i mean yeah if you're being reasonable atheism is worse than the spanish inquisition yeah yeah that's true i mean it's not like it's like way worse than the Spanish but it's clearly worse if like if I could get Torquemada on the phone right now I think he would he would be a pretty cool guy like certainly you get him in the wrong situation like if you're you know whatever Jewish and he's torturing you

then like certainly you, like he has a dark side. But who doesn't in power? Oh, sure. I mean, yeah. I mean, compare that to like. I mean, who doesn't period? I mean. Right.

Compare that to like. I've tortured. I mean, who has? Are you guys going to say you haven't tortured? Right. I mean, it's all relative. Yeah. That's true.

If you put that next to say bill nye the science guy you know what i mean somebody who is an unrepentant monster um i think the i mean it's clear he's very active at the pasadena ballroom dance society though so that alone that alone pushing his atheism and his outdated dancing styles on people. Oh, man. Anyway, moral of this story is, I'd like to be offered a job hosting a television show. Would you host any television shows? Yeah, what's your cutoff?

Is there a genre that you wouldn't do? Is there a genre that I wouldn't do? Oh, man. Well. Let's say, okay, I'll just throw out some potential genres. Give me some genres. Would you do like-

I would have hosted Duck Dynasty before the guy said the horrible things about gays and black people, especially the black people stuff I feel like was underplayed in the media. Yeah, it sure was yeah like i was like after he says as after he says like there's a lot of people in america who think that homosexuality is a sin um and you know uh that's people's religion i i'm not i you know i'm not one to get too involved in that frankly but uh there's less people who think blacks were happier before jim crow ended they seemed happier because they were always singing yeah i remember was his thesis and it wasn't the blues anyway um go ahead okay so would you uh well i guess here we go the 700 club with pat robertson would you be like would you be like the guy would you be the guy who like

interviews people who have like had miraculous healings and have to play into it and believe it no i wouldn't i wouldn't interview people who have had miraculous healings i would take a job on the 700 club interviewing people but it would have to be interviewing newsmakers and or arts and culture figures, and they would have to pay me a handsome living. And if- Arts and culture figures like Kirk Cameron? Yeah, exactly. I think-

Patricia Heaton? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, I'm- You know, the 700 Club is a tough one. I do love the gays. Sure. And they don't.

Sure. But I don't... What if your theme music was a Scissor Sisters song? I did love... And now with his signature segment, Jesse Thorne. I don't feel like dancing next to that papadoo. Another interview

with pop superstar Robin, Jesse? Why do you keep pitching this? I, you know, I mean, I worked at a church. Sure. It's not the... Yeah, that is a tough one. What about you?

Would you take a job on the 700 Club? I mean, you grew up going to church and stuff. If I could be the bolo tie guy. Isn't that the preacher? Yeah, if I could be the preacher. Yeah. They don't have... Again, I would do kind of anything. I'm kind of just down for anything. I'll do anything just be the preacher. Yeah. They don't have... Again, I would do kind of anything.

I'm kind of just like down for anything. Yeah. I'll do anything just for the story. DTH, down to host. I'm down to host. I'm super DTH. Yeah. Would you do...

Would you... Okay, would you do something where you... Would you do something like the one I was talking about? Would you just talk enthusiastically about YouTube comments or YouTube videos? About YouTube videos? Yeah. It depends how much time it took out of my life and how much it paid me and what kind of YouTube videos they were. So if it was like an America's Funniest Home Videos type situation, and it didn't take that much time,

which I don't think those things do, and it paid pretty well, yes, I would definitely do that. I have long thought that it would be really fun to host America's Funniest Home Videos. I totally agree. That would be fun. And I think that there's...

Especially if you get to do the voices of... If you get to do the Bob Saget-like... Another wiffle ball game, this is going to go great. Surely nothing will happen to my penis. I would take that job. If they wanted me to trick people, not cool with that. What do you mean trick people?

Not cool with unlabeled branded content and stuff like that. Sure. I would not do that. You won't believe what this dog does for Doritos. I would not do that. You won't believe what this dog does for Doritos. When you and I worked on a television program together some years ago, I had to get my lawyers involved in some fights over that particular issue. Sure. I wasn't even aware that that specifically done on America's Home Videos.

No, no, no. I'm sure that does that. Because that's some good art direction. You really make it look like it took place in the mid-80s. Every time they got him right in the Cheetos. Yeah. All the Wiffle balls that are going into crotches, those are all sponsored. Paid for by the Wiffle Corporation.

Yeah, the Wiffle Corporation. Yeah. America's AFV is in the pocket of Big Wiffle. I should stop making that joke. Yeah, but I was about to say the same thing. I mean, Big Wiffle is just really funny. It's funny. I mean, I think it was a good take on that joke, but also I need to find a new joke.

I mean, the world needs to quit with that joke. I'm sorry. But I apologize just for having thought of it. Tess, you're the only one who comes out of this smelling like a whiffle. Thank you. I think I smell like a quiffle. I would take most straight hosting jobs that paid well and

didn't take up too much of my time. What if you had to act like... Okay, so in this YouTube job, what if you had to act like YouTube videos of 19-year-old kids reenacting Star Wars scenes were funny? I had to act like they were funny? Yeah, you know, 19 year old kids, you know, reenacting Star Wars scenes were

funny. I had to act like they were funny? Yeah. You had to talk about how funny they were. I don't think I could do it. Or like. Wait, is someone else writing this for me? They want you to be semi-involved in the writing.

No, I couldn't be involved in the writing. I could only read, I could read something off a teleprompter. But if I had to act like it was funny. Yeah. What if it's like one of those little goobers who's just famous for doing family guy impressions and you had to say like, he's got a new video. I don't think I could do that. No, I was going to say if they paid me a lot and it was easy.

Yeah. But I definitely couldn't do it as my full-time job. Yeah, because what's the difference really between that and doing like a commercial? I mean, would you guys do a commercial where you had to be enthusiastic about McDonald's? As someone who has been in a commercial, I will say that the benefit of being in a commercial, and there are lots of drawbacks to commercials. It's the worst thing in the world to audition for. It's miserable.

Yeah. No commercial is good. Basically, no commercial is good. They're all awful. Yeah. It's a couple days, and you make so much money. I think that's what you just have to, like, keep telling yourself. But if this hosting job was, like, a similar situation,

like, you were just going to knock out several episodes. Yeah, I mean, I think if it's a thing you can do for, if it was, like, if it took two days, and then you just got these huge random checks in the mail, then yeah. So we're all for sale at a certain price. Oh, absolutely. You can all agree, right?

How much would it take for you to become a cam girl? Jordan? Boy, am I manipulating a phallus while some guy is being sucked off by Mr. Bean? Yeah, you're a cam girl. Okay. I would say... The phallus is tentacle shape. So I'm manipulating eight phalluses?

Yeah. Please describe what I'm doing. Phallus. Jordan is reaching out into the air and grabbing as though he were grabbing mosquitoes out of the air. Would you interview famous bass fishermen? Yes, absolutely. Like if the show was called like Bass Holes. That's something I would do

for the reasons that Tess described in a second. That would be so cool because number one, I bet famous bass fishermen are cool. No, that's true. I bet they are pretty cool. You'd get to like go, you'd get to travel business class

to like Tennessee or whatever. You know what I mean? And probably like, when would you ever get a chance to do that? Like go out on the bass boat. Like that's probably really cool. Sure. Pack a sandwich. Yeah.

You get to pack it. Not even pack a sandwich. There's a person whose job it is to pack you a sandwich. Yeah. Mommy. We're all talking about mommy of course. Wait are you guys familiar with Bill Dance? No.

No. What's that? YouTube Bill Dance as soon as you can. Is this a guy who makes sandwiches? How do they compare to mommies? I can't believe you. Is he a bass fisherman? Yeah, he's a famous bass fisherman.

And he's got the world's best bloopers. It's the creme de la creme. The world's best what? Bloopers. Oh, okay. It's just real things of him. He tries to catch a fish, but he doesn't. bloopers it's it's america it's the creme de la creme the world's best what bloopers oh okay like it's just real things of him he tries to catch a fish but he doesn't yeah trying to catch his falling off docks forgetting that his motor is on backwards just watch it it's great yeah

so when you're picturing that that's what i was on that positive note we'll be back in just a second I'm Cameron Esposito, the host of Wham! Bam! Pow! This is an action and sci-fi movie podcast on MaximumFun.org. We talk about punching. We talk about car chases. We talk about arms, muscles that are on arms. And every week I'm joined by panelist Rhea Butcher. That's me. And, of course, also Ricky Carmona. Oh, I'm all up in it.

That's what's up. The Afro spokesman. We are going to give you all of the jokes and all of the happiness and all of the information that you need to watch action sci-fi films to the fullest. Find it at MaximumFun.org or you can subscribe on iTunes. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Tess Barker, super tall. How tall are you? What are we talking about? I'm 5'11". That's not that tall. For a girl, that's... If you're six foot or over, that's super tall for a girl. Okay, but if I wear shoes at all, then I'm super tall for a girl.

You're tall for a girl. Okay. Thank you. Not super tall. I appreciate that. You like your height. You're not self-conscious about it. I appreciate you assuming that, but I am actually very self-conscious about it.

Yeah, I feel. It makes you too powerful? Because the boys haven't caught up to you yet? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, I feel like I've towered over like every guy I've ever dated. I don't feel feminine. It's fine. There's a lot of reasons I don't feel feminine.

You're pretty graceful. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. I think that tutu looks great on you. Oh, thank you. I mean, it might be a little bit much for a podcast recording. It might be more appropriate for a dancer's song. I mean, people do describe our podcast as the Swan Lake of podcasts.

So I think she probably just— Does it mean one of us has to die at the end of this? It does, yes. Isn't that nutcracker? That's the nutcracker. I'm going to have a lesbian experience like Black Swan. Oh, cool. Yeah.

That sounds really fun. Hey, New York City Podfest is one of the sponsors of Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's January 11th and 12th at Fontana's in downtown Manhattan. Some of the best podcasts the internet has to offer, including our friend Kevin Allison and his show Risk. You can like them on Facebook, follow them on Twitter for updates. Tickets are on Facebook. Follow them on Twitter for updates. Tickets are on sale. NYC PodFest, big laughs, big shows, intimate stage.

nycpodfest.com for more information. Speaking of fests... Yeah, so if you're not on the East Coast, if you're on the West Coast in the Southern California area, you're going to want to come see Jordan and Jesse go live on a battleship. A real battleship. see Jordan and Jesse go live on a battleship.

A real battleship. Have you ever done a show on a battleship? No. Yeah, didn't think so. Yeah. Have you seen the movie Battleship? No. Well.

That's for the best. Yeah. Not that good, surprisingly. I think instead of doing a show, maybe we should just screen the movie Battleship. Sure. Yeah. I think that would be funny to tell the audience

that like, oh, sorry, Jesse's not here yet. And then we just show 20 minutes of Batt battleship. Yeah. I think that would be funny to tell the audience that like, oh, sorry, Jesse's not here yet. And then we just show 20 minutes of battleship. 90 minutes of battleship. You know what? 100 minutes. How many minutes are there?

I mean, we can go through all the special features if we bring the Blu-ray. Yeah, let's do it. Then we get 1080p too. Sure. Let's figure out,

did Liam Neeson have fun on the set? Yeah. What was it like for Rihanna acting? Yeah. How about Tim Riggins? Sure. I only call Tim Riggins. Yeah. What was it like for Rihanna acting? Yeah. How about Tim Riggins? Sure.

Who I only call Tim Riggins. Yeah, exactly. Friday Night Lights is a funny thing because the fans refer to the characters by their character names. No one seems to know

who the actors were on Friday Night Lights. Coach Taylor who's in Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah, I think you just in the same thing. Yeah, they all and they all sort of

retain their qualities. I think a lot of people know Coach Taylor's wife's name, Coach Taylor's wife. Yeah. CTW. She's had a lot of success since then on the show Nashville. Yeah, which I legitimately like. I've heard a lot of people like it. Yeah, Nashville's good stuff.

I'm into this new musical soap opera genre that's emerging. Is that a genre? It's a genre. You like a little singing, a little drama? What are the examples? Nashville. Smash. The Sound of Music. like a little singing, a little drama. What are the examples? Nashville. Smash. The Sound of Music.

The Sound of Music was a shit show. Well, that was just a contained one night thing. But there was Smash, which was a musical drama about musical drama. Right. Nashville. I guess Glee is a comedy. A lot of something that was happening around Smash. I know we should finish the plug.

Something that was happening around Smash, and maybe you were even a part of this, Tess, around here, was that a lot of the lady comedians would get together and kind of snark on Smash. Yeah. And there would be a lot of Facebooking about it, a lot of Twittering about it. And I would always think to myself, like, oh, that seems like so much fun. Like I would I would like to go to that. It seems like they're all having a great time. But then I thought to myself, if I get invited to this, it means it means I have been desexualized to all of these women. And I don't think I prepared for that. of these women, and I don't think I prepared for that. No, we had a couple straight guys come, but they were, I think, were watching us from like an anthropological point of view than joining in. So if I brought binoculars and like a pith helmet, I could have come?

Yeah, then you would fit in fine. Okay. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. Hey, JJ Go, live on a battleship. It's $20 for the show, which starts at $5.15. For $35, you can get a tour of the battleship beforehand. Plowshares, which is a direct veteran services organization that does it.

You know, their slogan is services by vets for vets. It's a really amazing outfit that does all kinds of stuff, especially for homeless vets. My dad used to work there. It's a really wonderful place. And we're really proud to be given the money from this show to them. Yeah, we'd totally love to see to see a bunch of people out at this. We realize it's kind of a weird place for a show. It's probably a little bit of a drive from wherever you are, but it's for a great cause

and I think it's going to be really awesome. Hey, I'm talking to you, guy who came up to me at Target yesterday and said, you like Jordan Jesse Goh? Why don't you come? You're in the LA area. Yeah, how- You are wearing a Rangers sweatshirt. How about you, people at secret, what's that called?

Secret headquarters. Secret headquarters comic book store. Close down for the day. Yeah, close down for the day. Drive down. Bring your artsy eyewear. And let's do this. Go to the aquarium afterwards.

Oh, yeah, you can totally go to the aquarium. Make a day of it. Make a day of it. That's the slogan for the show. Make a day of it. Here's my promise it. That's the slogan for the show. Make a day of it. Here's my promise to you. I feel very strongly about this show. I feel very strongly about the cause that we're working for.

If we sell out this show, which is absolutely 1,000% within our grasp. Sure. I thought you were going to say not going to happen. I will personally, my own self, donate $1,000 to Sword Supply Shares. Great. So come on out. Come to the show. Bring friends.

Yeah, come on. Don't deprive veterans. Yeah, come on. These veterans need our help. They risk their lives and their physical and emotional health on your behalf. And, you know, they deserve some support like anybody else. Plus, how badass to be on a battleship and seeing a great, they deserve some support like anybody else. Plus, how badass to be on a battleship

and seeing a great show. It's going to be great. And we're going to be shooting people. Whoa! We're going to shoot three audience members. But it'll be a thing

where, like, Jesse and I each have a gun and one of the guns isn't loaded. Right. But we don't know. Yeah, so we just assume we're the ones

who didn't kill the guy. We're going to crank a few guns, right? Sure. We're going to do a few big guns on the ship. I'm going to be doing the show on crank. I'm going to be watching the movie Crank while we do the show.

Oh, yeah. Just have an iPad under the desk. Yeah, well, first crank, then two guns. Crank, crank, crank. And all of us are going to- Two guns is pretty good. Mark Wahlberg shot the head off some chickens. Really?

Yeah. That sounds fun. It was fun. All of us are going tos is pretty good. Mark Wahlberg shot the head off some chickens. Really? Yeah. That sounds fun. It was fun. All of us are going to be at San Francisco Sketch Fest. Yeah. Tests included. Jordan, Jesse, go is Saturday, February 8th at the Eureka Theater, which is going to be a blast. We've got our friend Rob Corddry coming along for the ride.

Lady to Lady is going to be there as well, right? We're going to be there, yes. Sunday the 9th at 4.30 at the Dark Room. Fantastic. And speaking of Sunday the 9th, I will also be hosting a panel event with our friend,

another Max Funster, Mal Sharp of Coil and Sharp, who is a genuine San Francisco institution, still alive and kicking and hilarious guy,

really cool, fun guy. He actually came on. We did Jordan Jesse Go, I think, once at the Dark Room and actually came on we did jordan jesse go i think once at the dark room and he came on as the guest yeah he's great he's a he's a hilarious dude the the the coil and sharp podcast is great if you haven't heard it yeah yeah it's going to be a tribute to coil and sharp and uh it's going to be me and i'm going to be moderating uh mal is going

to be there and then there's going to be a cool panel with James Richmuth from Casper Hauser and Matt Walsh and Matt Besser from the Upright Citizens Brigade who are all huge Casper Hauser I mean huge Coil and Sharp fans so go to sfsketchfest.com get your tickets you can also find links at maximum

fun.org it's going to be a blast and of course if you haven't checked out lady to lady yet, please do. Don't be a dope. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan,

Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Tess Barker, Tess, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Tess Barker, Tess Barker. That's a good nickname. I like it. When something mo-meh-mo-meh-mo-mo-mo.

Me-mo-mo-mo-mo-mo-mo-mo. When Malamars happen to you. Eat them. When something momentous happens to you, our listener, we ask that you call us and tell us about it. Our telephone number, 206-9844-FUN. You can also email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Our segment, Momentous Occasions.

Let's just kick things off with a call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, guest. Calling on the road from Dallas to Austin, going through Waco, and went under an overpass on which was standing a very large man wearing what looked like a bright red muumuu and cape with a sort of cowl that came up over his head

who was doing what looks like Tai Chi with devil sticks. It was horrifying. I'm taking it as a omen of terrible things to come in 2014. And I have to admit it may be possible that I'm hallucinating because I just had Colossi to check stuff. That's it. We're all doomed. 2014. Going down the drain.

Love the show. Bye. Why did he say he's hallucinating? Because he just got a colostomy? At first I thought it was coffee and then colonoscopy. Just got a colonoscopy. Jen, can you confirm what he got? What happened to this man's anus?

That's beyond her technical abilities. Okay. You're asking her to... That's not going to happen for Jennifer. So something happened. Either this man had too much coffee, had a colonoscopy, or some sort of coffee colonic or something. Can you confirm that you gave this man a colonoscopy? Tell us about his colon. She's shaking her head now. She's shaking her head.

Okay. Wow. So yeah, I mean, this is the kind of, you know, I mean, I would think like public park, a good place for this guy, but overpass is kind of interesting. Yeah. I mean, if you're between Austin and Waco, you got to figure that's the only place where you're going to get the kind of audience that you need. Sure. Right? This is desolate country, isn't it? There are not a lot of population centers. No.

It's not like you can just go to the town park. And this isn't an area of the country where you're going to be rewarded for standing out from the norm. This guy sounds like a hero kind of. Maybe he's trying to find a ride to Austin. He's like, I want to find a place where I can do this in public. Yeah, this guy definitely seems like he needs to be in Austin. I'm worried for his safety. He probably has an

alt-country band, I would guess. I would think so. Another good. Yeah. I'm not worried for his safety. He's got those devil sticks. Sure. Devil sticks are just juggling things, right? Yeah. Is that a Bob Bob clock devil stick? Yes, I think so. I think, or maybe did in a previous life.

Yeah. As a huge nerd. Yeah, I mean, I'm thinking maybe this guy just saw two, like, Kung Fu sticks and thought devil sticks. Because, yeah, I don't know if this guy was actually juggling the baton this could have been like you know eskrima sticks or something yeah it's like a kung fu stick you're thinking maybe he wasn't he wasn't doing tai chi after all maybe it was wushu could have been wushu could have been. Performance art. It sounds like performance art. Have we talked about the fact that there was a ninja store by my house when I grew up?

No, specifically not just martial arts supply, but... I mean, six and one half dozen of the other when you're seven years old. Yeah, sure. And it was all dusty. I never went inside because I was afraid of it. It was on Mission Street in San Francisco at 18th, 19th Street. Just right there among – this is a street that even now is as rich as the neighborhood has gotten. It's still mostly you're talking about former movie theaters that have been converted into swap meets.

You know what I mean? that have been converted into swap meets. You know what I mean? And this store just had a full picture window, like a 12-foot picture window with, like, halberds in it. Like, knives on sticks. Yeah, I guess there's, I guess I know two kinds, there's two kinds of stores where you could buy stuff like that. There's, like, you know, the martial arts supply store

where you buy, like, a heavy bag or a, you know, soft cup or something. But also you could get some swords if you want to and there's just the like oh this is for this is shit for guys who are into swords yeah now it's it's not it wasn't like a sword store it was like a full-on ninja store they have nunchucks there was no punching bags in the wind see that's the thing like there's no like no like, oh, this is for some kind of fitness. There's zero concession to fitness. In fact, as I remember it, there was a ninja. Now, that may be my memory embroidering upon it. Sure.

But, you know, not long ago, we discussed another store I remembered, which involved looking at a catalog at a counter, marking something, and then they went back and got it for you. And there was a little bit of doubt on the panel on that particular episode of the program until it was confirmed by numerous listeners, including the specific location I had cited. So I think I'm a pretty safe bet on this ninja store. Yeah, San Francisco, too. If you grew up, you know, in like St. Louis or something. A lot of Asian Americans. Well, I wasn't going to, that's not what I was going to say. Who need killing weapons. Yeah. this ninja store yeah san francisco too if you grew up you know in like st louis or asian americans well i wasn't gonna that it's not who need kill it you need killing weapons yeah yeah no but also

isn't that where you buy gremlins yeah there were probably gremlins in that store oh yeah it could have been just a front for a gremlin store i know it's where you get transparent aluminum from the movie star trek for the The Voyager. I know this. I feel like I see a version of this guy on the way, on my drive here a lot. There's a guy doing a similar kind of thing, although he's a very different guy. This guy is dressed like Blade. Uh-huh. The Wesley Snipes vampire killing movie, Blade.

And he looks a lot like Wesley Snipes. Yeah. His name is Wesley Snipes. I asked him what his name. So there's a guy, he's dressed like Blade. He's got like, you know, a flak jacket, but with no shirt on underneath and like a bandolier and then like, you know, army pants

and then like, you know, huge boots. And he has a boombox and he is doing ballet. I have seen him probably 10 times on Wilshire. Anyway, this guy, this guy. Wait, on the further east on Wilshire? I mean, kind of. Like in Koreatown? Kind of between, I would say he's between like Highland and Vermont.

Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Interesting. That's not a place where you would panhandle. But doing very beautiful ballet. This guy seems like a trained ballet dancer. I don't want to say ballerina because, you know, I don't want to downplay his vampire killing, which he could clearly do. which he could clearly do.

It seems so interesting. Yeah, this guy is dressed to be an assassin but is also doing this kind of beautiful dancing. I like the idea of a person who's dedicated their life to this one particular thing, whether or not they're crazy, as long as they're not murderous. Sure. I mean, they can be murderous

toward vampires because they're a scourge. I'm glad that there are people giving their lives over to something. There was a man in my neighborhood growing up who painted himself red every day. And he was sort of a

55, 60-year-old slight man. Yeah. Carried a cane. Sort of had a little bit of a Charlie Chaplin affect. Okay. But painted red. Full body?

Full body. Wow. That's more dedication and commitment than I think we see in a lot of people. Did you have a local crazy guy growing up? No, I grew up in like, you know, the cookie cutter suburbs. Did you have any crazy cookies? I was probably the local crazy guy. Did we have any what?

Crazy cookies? Yeah. Okay. I guess I remember the Santa Cruz crazy guy, too, who always just walked back and forth with that parasol. Yeah, that guy. I know exactly the guy you're talking about. Did you guys both go to Santa Cruz?

We did, yeah. Is that where you met? Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. Yeah. Speaking of crazy cookie cutters, I have this one that's shaped like a bunny rabbit. What? What? What? a bunny rabbit. What? What?

What? Wait. What? What? Shaped like a. Okay. Slow down. The tricky bit is.

Oh, boy. The ears are skinny. So it's hard to get the ear out without breaking it off. Hey, I hear you. I have an anatomically correct Santa, and that's the deal with his dick. His dick is so small. Because Santa never wears pants.

No. It's in profile? Is it flaccid or erect? No, he's like, his legs are akimbo. So it's hanging down. Let's take another call. Hey, podcast. This is Jeff in Salem, and I just met a guy. let's take another call hey podcast this is Jeff in Salem

and I just met a guy it turns out it's his birthday and my birthday as well and he's older than me and I told him well it looks like you survived with all your limbs intact and he said actually I have an aluminum leg that's momentous.

Bye. There's a kind of magical shit that can happen when you get out there in the world and start talking to people. Sure. That's why I'm going on a listening tour of the United States this month. I'll be walking from Los Angeles to Northampton, Massachusetts, relying on the kindness of strangers to food, to feed, clothe and pleasure me. And along the way, I'll be hearing and recording people's stories for a public radio project that I'm doing. It's called The Long Walk Home. You thought about taking a riding lawnmower. The only thing that I'll be bringing is a piece of paper that explains my project, my favorite old hat, and a giant bottle of lube. Because you don't want to make them do all the work.

No. And you don't want to chafe them. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I've already got lizard-like skin down there. Sure. Chafing is not a concern for me. It's why you have to flop your dick on that hot rock every day because it doesn't regulate its own temperature.

The point is going on a listening tour. It's great. I mean. Hillary Clinton is coming. Going to meet up with Joe Biden at some point? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's funny that this guy used the one cliche that definitely applied to this guy.

I don't know if I've ever said that to anyone. Yeah. You've got all your limbs intact. That is a fairly weird coincidence that you would say that to someone who doesn't. It's nice that it's aluminum. Totally. Strong, lightweight.

Yeah. If you guys had to have one of your appendages be artificial, which one would it be? I mean, leg seems pretty good. Yeah. Leg seems, you know,

it seems like that's, that, you know, doesn't, doesn't prevent you from doing a lot of normal stuff. You could probably still be kind of athletic with it. I mean, Lord knows athleticism is very important to me. It's central to your identity. Yeah, I mean.

If you couldn't ball on weekends. I don't know what I would do. If you couldn't hit the courts and ball, throw on your soft cup and get up there and do a few. Work the heavy bag. Balls to the wall. Put up the rock. Do a few slam dunks. Yeah.

I got to slam. Three pointers. I mean, everything, really. Constantly knocking down trays. Mm-hmm. If you only had one arm, how many trays do you think you could knock down? Boy. Half dozen?

Yeah. I mean, at best. Yeah. Whereas right now, Jordan. Chess, you don't know this about Jordan, but Jordan knocks down trays like there's no tomorrow. Trays? Oh, yeah. Nothing but nets. Oh, you know, Scott, Jesse, I think you're, I'm sorry, I think this is just kind of a misheard situation.

I'm sorry? When I told you I'd knock over trays, I meant that I'm a dick in restaurants. You thought I was talking about being good at basketball? Wait, no. Basketball? Yeah. No. I thought that you were a dick to one of the creators of South Park.

I mean, when he was working- Because you're always talking about how much you love Matt Stone. Yeah. But how you think South Park's a disappointment. Sure, because the other guy is holding it down. Yeah. Or bringing it down, rather. Yeah.

Nope. You know, I think they're both talented guys. I just like to go to a Denny's and just fucking kick a tray. Did you watch that TV show about how they make South Park? I did, yeah. Were you struck by this? by this. How much the guys who make South Park

are the guys who make South Park 15 years later, 15 years and $100 million or whatever later. Like they're just, it's like looking at a couple of 20-year-old people

who made like a gross cartoon and sent it to their friends on VHS. For good and ill sure i think south park is a very funny program yes i have no nothing bad but they're just like you think they would be a little like have gotten a little bit classier because they're millionaires or they would just have something else in their lives other than south park and musicals and movies and stuff i think that i think it you know i think it's well i think a it's all consuming

something like that yeah i think they you know, I think it's, well, I think, A, it's all consuming, something like that. Yeah. And I think they, you know, it seems like they want it to be all consuming. That's the thing. I think when you're a creative type, you don't have a lot of time to go, you don't care about looking nice or painting any sort of cults or anything. You just want to sit in your apartment or your house. They probably have a house. But you just want to sit there and get crusty.

I think they still live in Denver. I think they still, like, live most, they, you know, come to L.A. for four months, make a, you know, churn out South Park and then go back to Denver. I think they still live most... They come to LA for four months, make a... churn out South Park and then go back to Denver. That's the dream. It's funny to me because I actually wrote

and developed a musical and that world is very hoity-toity. And it's funny to me to think of them developing in the Broadway world because they're so not... Yeah, like coming to... Those people.

Coming to rehearsals in sweatpants and Crocs and stuff. Yeah, with the investors there. There is a scene where one of them has a guy, a random guy who comes up to him, detail his car while he's at work. Well, yeah, they're still millionaires. Yeah. They're still, yeah. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio. Sweet. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Tess Barker, girl comic. You're getting rid of Tess Barker, Tess Barker? I don't know. I'm mixing it up. I haven't found one that I love. Sorry, Tess. I just see you as a comic, okay?

Sorry, I don't see gender. I appreciate that. Thank you. I was being a dick to you. All I see is an African American. Whoa. Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking at Kevin Hart. Hi, Kevin. Be there in a second.

Sorry, Kevin Hart and I are hanging out after this. Well, that explains that. Although he does really seem to be everywhere these days. It's true. Tess Barker is the host of one of Maximum Fund's five new programs. I'm going to see if I can do this from memory, Jordan. Number one, you got the new International Waters twice a month with new host, Mr. Dave Holmes. Obviously a much better host than I am.

Guy who's hosted – talk about hosting every television program ever. Dave Holmes has hosted every television program ever and ably. And guess what? Dave Holmes is also a hilarious guy. Couldn't be a better person to host International Waters. That's number one. Number two, The Goose Down with Kim and Jasper. Two recent guests of Jordan, Jesse Go, beloved guest Jasper Red and recent beloved guest and toast head, Kim Clark, Kimberly Clark. I believe she said she was a Toast Head on the program.

What's a Toast Head? Someone who's super into toast. Okay, so she made it up. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, no, she goes to Toast Fest in Vermont every year. Toast Masters?

Toast Masters, yeah. It's the cheap Target brand of kitchen products. The Goose Down is like a very quiet, comforting, hilarious comedy podcast. Even more so like Dave and Graham on Stop Podcasting Yourself were my standard for hilarious comedy podcast where they don't seem like they're trying to impress me but jasper is such a cool cucumber and kim is such a sort of sweet funny woman that it is like no podcast dynamic you've ever heard before and i think you will really like it's a real breath of fresh air so there's Song Exploder, which is a song where Rishi, the host, who's a musician, he has a band called the 1AM Radio, takes all of the stems from a song, which

is the individual instrumental tracks, and interviews the creator of that song about how and why he or she made it, and then uses the stems and the interview to essentially create a new, it's like a new version of the song, but an investigation of how and why that song was made that includes the music from that song and the individual tracks and so on and so forth. What's that? That's three so far? Yep.

We got Lady, Lady. Oh, No, Ross and Carrie, which is a show where once a month, Ross and Carrie go and do like a weird thing. You know, like they joined a 9-11 truthers thing for a month. They really do like, they're fully committed. See, that sounds really fun. Ross told me he paid like $1,200 to take this full length, like eight week reflexology course. Yeah, this is what they do.

And then every month they come back, they report back. What was it like to be a 9-11 truther for a month? What was it like to be a reflexologist? What was it like to search for energy vortices? And they're really funny and charming. And then, of course, your show, Lady to Lady. Us, Lady to Lady, yeah, which is myself and two other very good friends of mine and fellow comics, Barbara Gray and Brandy Posey. And we always have a fourth girl comic on.

And sometimes we have male characters come on and we play games. And, you know, we just joke around, hang out, talk about stuff. And it's kind of like The View meets Pee Wee's Playhouse. It's got like a talk show aspect to it, but it's very sort of weird and bizarre, much like us. Yeah, I'll say that I've been to a bunch of lady-to-lady live shows. I think they're quite the hits around town. And I always loved seeing the live shows. I'm super glad that people who maybe can't come to the live show are going to get to hear the podcast.

I think these are three of the funniest people for sure. It's a great show. Yeah, the thing that I really loved about the show when I first heard it was just what a wonderful dynamic these three comics have between them, you among them. I don't know how I should have been. Tess, you and your two co-hosts have between the three of you.

It's just a really fun, warm, pleasant, charming program. And all three of you are really hilarious. So it's a really special show. And I like the fact that if you're a lady, you could listen to it and feel like,

oh, finally a podcast for me. And if you're a dude, you can feel like, oh man, I'm learning all the secrets of ladies. Yeah, that's kind of our hope because we are such good friends that we actually sort of forget that we're recording sometimes. So I think like for whether you're male, female or somewhere in between, it's kind of a good look into what girls talk about when guys aren't around. You mentioned forgetting that you were recording.

The one thing that I would suggest is next time. The last episode had like a 20-minute period where I think somebody was just making grilled cheese sandwiches. That's what it sounded like. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I would edit that out or just remember that you were. She was making toast. Yeah.

Yeah. And one, and there was that one episode. It was an hour long, which is a pretty good length for a podcast, I'd say. But it seems like just someone had left a microphone on in the background. People were watching a DVR episode of Smash. Yeah, that was me too. I'm sorry. I'm ruining my own podcast, aren't I?

Well, I mean, just don't post those. That's what I'm saying. On the plus side, you got Angelica Houston on the show. Yeah. And she was fantastic. And she threw a drink in my face and it was lovely. That is a really good booking. Yes.

Anyway, Tessa's show is called Lady to Lady. You can find all of the new MaxFun shows in the MaxFun room in iTunes. Just search for MaximumFun.org or follow the link into iTunes from MaximumFun.org. I'm so excited about all these new shows. We've already had Song Exploder

is currently number one in the music section of the podcast store and Ono, Ross, and Carrie is currently number two in Faith and Spirituality behind Joel Osteen. Oh, there you go. Yeah. So we're already blowing up the charts with these new programs.

And I'm really excited for 2014. So thanks to everybody out there. Jordan Jesse Goh still hanging snug at number 499 in comedy behind the Boston Mass Holes podcast. I don't know. Jordan, we consistently hang tight at number 83. I'll take it. I'll take it. That's a place to hang.

I'm sure I'll hang. Seven years at 83? Absolutely. That sounds like a Beatles album. Maybe that's our new slogan for this year. Seven years at 83. You can email us at jjgoe at maximumfunk.org. Still not in triple digits.

Jennifer Marmer on the boards for this week's episode. Our producer is Brian Fernandez. God, Brian, get your freaking act together. Come back from your stupid Christmas or whatever. Are we still doing Reddit next week, this week? Oh, yeah. And we're doing a Reddit. This week, it'll be the day after this episode comes out.

Tuesday, the whatever that is. And you can find it on Reddit. Look on our social medias and we'll have links to it. That's going to be fun. Totally fun. I've really been having a good time in the MaxFunReddit. Seems like a fun place to be. If you're not up in the MaxFunReddit, get up in there.

Because you'll find, among other things, a picture of last week somebody called in and said that they saw a man with a donk that was being led by a dog um and somebody sent in a picture of it and then someone else sent in another picture a different person sent in another picture of the same guy apparently this guy's just walking around oakland and i think it might be a mini horse and not a donk i'll just who cares we'll give it to him one way way or another. Yeah. It's pretty great. We'll allow it. If you want to see, somebody made a Jordan Jesse Go car in, what's that thing called? Forza.

Forza, sure. In Forza something or other. It's a video game of cars. Oh, wow. Now, this is a video game of cars. You can make your own car. You paint it with pictures. They made a Jordan Jesse Go one that was spectacular.

Spectacular. I posted a link to that robe on eBay from last week it was monogrammed AZZ so all kinds of fun stuff going on on our Reddit just search for MaxFun Reddit on the internet okay our theme music Love You by the Free

Design courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.