Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 308: Render the Bentley with Andy Wood

Episode Date: January 13, 2014

Comedian, writer, and producer Andy Woods joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of mall restaurants, Jesse's neighbors, Cards Against Humanity and the Mr. Cooper-verse.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Enjoying a beautiful dusk here in Los Angeles and an unseasonable summer, summer like weather, I would say. Great.

I agree with you. Agreed. Thanks, I would say. Great. I agree with you. Agreed. Thanks, Jordan. On all points. Well, that's been Jordan, Jesse, go. I've been your host, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio. Of course, thank you to our guest, Andy Wood, for being here. Thank you.

Andy, it has been an absolute joy to get to talk to you. Let's just do plugs and then we're out. Do you guys validate? We do not. Why would we do such a thing, Andy? You can stop at the bottom and buy an Orange Julius if you want to. Oh, can I? Okay.

Oh, God. The American Cement Building has an Orange Julius. If there was an Orange Julius in this building, how many Orange Juliuses would you drink in a given week? I guess you're here once a week. So once a week. I mean I would probably swing by just when I was driving by. You know, here's been my experience with the Orange Julius. The Orange Julius was a favorite of mine in high school.

It was always fun to take a trip to the mall and get an Orange Julius. Maybe a hot dog on a stick. I don't know. Maybe an Auntie Anne's pretzel. Maybe a Wetzel's pretzel. I don't know. Maybe an Auntie Anne's pretzel. Maybe a Wetzel's pretzel. I don't know which kind of pretzel you like. I don't know when Wetzel's came into prominence. I don't remember Wetzel's as being a part of my childhood mall experience.

Okay. Can I interject something about Wetzel's pretzels? In Union Station in Los Angeles, which is where I change trains when I take the subway to work, which I often do, there's a Wetzel's pretzels. And it's an open-air construction. trains when I take the subway to work, which I often do. There's a Wetzel's Pretzels. And it's an open-air construction, so it makes the entire area of the train station smell like pretzels. And they often have people foisting pretzels upon you. And it's a fucking nightmare. Which is like a pretzel barker?

Yeah, like a pretzel girl. Yeah. Not like a Coney Island Al Lewis, Grandpa Al Lewis style barker. Right. Not like, hey, pretzels here. It's not that type of situation. Twist your carbs and get them twisty. Twist them up and choke them down.

Nacho cheese, mustard, you can dip them in whatever. So this is like a 1950s underground casino cigarette girl. Yes, exactly. With a basket of pretzels and one of those clamps. You know what I'm talking about for picking stuff up? A tong. A tong. Okay.

There you go, a tong. And it's a nightmare because- Where do you get the dipping sauces? Well, we're talking generally about unique flavored pretzels. Okay. So like a cinnamon pretzel. Which is why the overpowering scent is happening because it's not a traditional pretzel. Those wouldn't have any scent at all, but it's the things they cover them in that are.

Well, the traditional pretzels also have a significant scent. It's like a pretzelier bread baking scent. Okay. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? A slightly maltier. Okay, yeah. You know what I'm talking about. A slightly maltier. A maltier. It's not quite as overpowering

as the Subway bread stench, which is oppressive. That kind of, well, it's not sickly. Yeah. It's not a sickly sweet. Subway bread, that special bread

they brag about at Subway, that's basically just angel food cake, right? Asiago angel food? I feel like the, it's been a while since I've had a Subway sandwich, but I always feel like that Subway smell that they pipe out is so entirely different than what you're eating. I feel like that smell is just some sort of smell cartridge that they put into their air

conditioning and that has no relation to what the food is. It's significantly less. And I don't enjoy that smell. I'm just, but. Somebody must. Yeah, I know. I think so. The smell is definitely less slimy than the food.

Yeah. Oh, Subway's the worst. When it first started, I remember thinking, oh, this is good for you. Like, my brothers and I would look forward to going to the Subway in my hometown of Ann Arbor when there was only one in town. Guys, let's do something nice for our bodies. We're going to take care of ourselves. We've been going. We're going to get a BMT.

What does BMT even stand for? Meats. Various meats. Ann Arbor, Michigan is known as the home of one of America's most famous delicatessens. Zingerman's. Where you could order an actual sandwich that would actually taste good. But I'm talking 15 years old. I don't

even have a car. I'm subject to the whims of my brother who has a license and he wants to go to Subway after we finish our lawn mowing jobs. I don't mean to be rude, but your brother sounds like an asshole. He also forced me to watch Saved by the Bell, which I was not on board with. You had an older brother when you were 15 that made you watch Saved by the Bell? How old is he? 23. These years might be off.

But at some point, I do remember having no choice in what was on the television and I'm subject to what's there. And that's why I've seen a lot of St. Bette Bell, not because I loved it. Andy, it sounds like basically you were molested. I might have been. I mean not – Visually. Emotionally. Televisually.

Gastrointestinally. Yes. OK. So let's get back to Orange Julius. Oh, so yeah. So I guess the Orange Julius is not as common as it once was. Maybe it's been replaced by Jamba juices and, you know, et cetera, the like. Speaking of healthy fast food. Right, exactly. Speaking of doing something nice for yourself.

Get a boost in there. Right. Just eat a 32-ounce Styrofoam cup of sorbet with a little spoonful of vitamin C powder. Some bee pollen. Right, a little bee pollen. Cancel out the 12,000 calories. Try and get the femboost. Yeah, right? So you can grow those breasts you've been wanting.

Sure. How many femboosts do you think you would need to grow a nice C? C, like not like something, not like in your face big. Yeah. But something significant. Yeah. Right? I think –

So I can – yeah. So I can look – A hundred femboos. But they all have to be in one orange dream machine. Right. Is that an actual dream? I think that's one of them. That's actually – the orange dream machine is the Jamba Juice answer to the Orange Julius.

I think it is supposed to simulate the citrusy thing of the Orange Julius. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah, Orange Julius. I guess since I've moved to L.A., there's only one Julius that I know of. It's in a mall super down in Culver City. I think Chris Rock would refer to it as the mall the white people used to go to. Uh-huh. Sure.

And every once in a while, I would get one and kind of be excited about it. Like, oh, man, this is going to be a treat. Orange Julius. Orange Julius. Just like the good old days. And it just – I can't finish them. They just taste like cough medicine ice to me. Do you find women in hot dog on a stick outfits erotic? Did in high school, definitely.

Definitely did in high school. There's something – I don't know what the appeal of that is. But it's undeniably appealing. Have you ever been to Laurie's, the prime rib? Do I find a woman with a handful of seasoned salt? Erotic. Oh, yeah. You can put that on anything.

Just because of how versatile it is. I like to put it downtown and just go at it. Sure. The specificity of uniforms, I think when somebody's forced to wear something that's so anachronistic and over the top, it maybe it just cancels out everything except for the

essentials, just like their face. So it brings that into stark relief and I'm not, I'm trying to come up with a theory of why someone would be hot on a strange uniform. It's hard to say. But the hot dog on a stick one specifically. Yeah. It has to do something with its gleefulness.

Right. Combined with the debasement involved. Okay. See, that's what I'm going for. Yeah. They don't want to be in this crazy. Combined with, but I mean, I don't, I don't, I mean, like a McDonald's employee has to wear a uniform. I'm not interested in that.

You don't like a nice visor? No, visor does nothing for me. Is it the plungers, the way they work the plungers? I mean, that's phallic. Yeah, when they make the lemonade, they have to kind of jerk off this giant phallus in order to make sweet lemonade. Like a monstrous. Like a monster phallus. I mean I think what that outfit does is something similar to what the Hooters outfit does.

And it just kind of implies that they're fun. Like it's like I'm – look, I don't care about this outfit. I'm fun. I know how to have a good time. I'm not going to mope through something. I'll go see whatever movie you want to. Yeah, I'm easy look, I don't care about this outfit. I'm fun. I know how to have a good time. I'm not going to mope through something. I'll go see whatever movie you want to. Yeah, I'm easy. Yeah, come on.

That's fine. What do you want to – you know what? We can just stay in. I feel like the girl in the hot dog on a stick outfit. She can go out. She can stay in. Whatever. She's not going to be –

If she's wearing the hot dog on a stick outfit, she probably prefers to stay in. That's true. outfit she probably prefers to stay in. That's true. Yeah, I think it implies a kind of, you know, a kind of spirit that is appealing, you know.

They look fun, I guess, would be my theory. It's a free-spirited person that takes that job, that doesn't mind the silliness. Like, every day they have to be silly. They know what they're putting on is objectively silly to the rest of the world. Now, I think we can all agree the most bonable food court employee is the Sbarro employee. Because of the access to unlimited garlic knots?

Yes, exactly. Once you – I saw a license plate on the way here that said N-U space T-T-H. I think that means new teeth. So what I'm wondering is, is that a present someone got for themselves after they got dentures? Or implants. Like someone finally got the implants they always wanted. Maybe they just had a lot of luck at Chuck E. Cheese and got enough tickets to buy plastic Dracula fangs. I know people are really comfortable talking about the fact that they got veneers here in Los Angeles,

but getting a license plate to commemorate it seems excessive. For a car that costs four times what your teeth cost. Or maybe, I don't even know what teeth cost. I have no idea what the cost for new, whatever new teeth means. Whether it's implants or dentures, I have no idea what the cost structure for that is. I'm just running through my notes here. Here for things I wanted to talk about on Jordan Jesse go what else you got well I had that new teeth okay oh on the

while you run through that I have something quick that I think is maybe not a whole was there an umlaut over the you is this a new genre of music okay there's. It's the new metal version of Dr. T from the Muppets. They all wear cargo shorts. Very technical drumming and then bad rapping. White people with dreads for some reason. Yeah. One guy in the band. White Muppets with dreads. Yes, exactly. One guy in the band, though, has the dreadlocks.

On the topic of notes, I think this is a little bit of a hack subject. Comedians talk about it a lot, them keeping notes, writing down something and not knowing what it means. I was just about to get to that. Yeah, I was – you know, hack things that you'd have to be an asshole for bringing up. I actually had one of those. I was going through a list of notes and all I had written down was a mixed race family getting ice cream. I had no idea what I was supposed to joke about there. You didn't see some ad that was obviously trying to play it to a really wide base or

something? I think I just saw a mixed race family getting ice cream and it seemed fun to me. Did one of the parents get chocolate? One of the parents got vanilla. And the child got a swirl. Do you have one of those? Well, I have three things written down here. The first is P2, letter P, number 2, and then 2 in Roman numerals.

Could also be P2il in, ill, eel in Italian. I have no fucking clue what that means. Are you working on the new Star Wars movie at all? This could be a droid classification. That's a good possibility. Because I know they're having to streamline the timeline. The second thing I wrote down is father's country ham. That's just a ham I wanted to buy.

Okay. I heard about it on the radio. It sounded like a great ham. Okay. So I went ahead and ordered some. Have you asked father about it yet? Well, you have to ask him in the sense you have to give him your credit card information. Andy, as a stand-up comedian, actually we haven't even really introduced Andy.

He's a stand-up comedian. He's the host of the Probably Science podcast, the organizer of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Andy, as a stand-up comedian, Actually, we haven't even really introduced Andy. He's a stand-up comedian. That's okay. He's the host of the Probably Science podcast, the organizer of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Andy, as a stand-up comedian, do you have one of these, an inexplicable note that you don't know what to do with? Oh, the longest. Andy is doing frantic scrolling on his iPhone. Thousands of characters. I just

came across one that I just wrote down. Brotein shake. I don't know what to do with that, but it's a pun. It is. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves on a bet. I don't know what – I don't know where I'm meant to go with that. I think I'm meant to go with that like – there's so many people that have stories that are unverifiable about how –

hey, did you know this guy did this thing on a bet? Did you know Elrond Hubbard created Scientology on a bet, on a dare? Someone dared Lincoln to free the slaves. I love the idea of that. I guess L. Ron Hubbard, I mean, I've heard that also about L. Ron Hubbard, and that would be believable if he didn't also make millions and millions of dollars doing it. Although I guess you hope to win money on a bet. Maybe that's like a trading places type thing where at the end of all of it, you just got a dollar? Good work. Yeah. You created your religion.

Here's the third thing I have written in my list of three things on my list. La-dage-o-el-kee. L-A-D-A-G-E space O-E-L-K-E. I have no fucking clue what that is. Did I write that in a fever dream? I mean, is it an autocorrect thing? Well, do you think it autocorrects to Ladage? You have your phone setting to Esperanto, right?

Someone in our audience right now has to bring out a QWERTY keyboard and figure out if I was like one letter over for something that was actual words. Ladage, a welky. figure out if I was like one letter over for something that was actual words. L-A-D-G-O-L-K-E. I mean, Jesse, I don't want to blow your cover because I know they're very secretive about this stuff. But the P2-2, L-A-D-G-O-L-K-E, are you writing the new Star Wars movie? This sounds like a racist character. He's like he works at a bazaar, a space bazaar. He's a racist character, let's say an Indian guy. And he maybe gives Han Solo's son or whoever the focus of this movie is some information as to where power converters are.

Number one, it's not racist because he's an alien. Right. Oh, that's true. Sorry. And number two, just because he wears a turban and talks in an accent that sounds Indian doesn't make him Indian. Yeah. He is an Owelki.

Oh. LaDage. Yeah. LaDage Owelkis. Yeah. And just because he's a barterer, trader, and- Who charms a snake-like creature out of a basket-like object. It's an alien snake.

It's not like earth snakes. You don't understand. He's a doku worm. I don't know. Yeah. That sounds legit. Just because he's going on a hunger strike to free his people from the tyranny of the British Empire. British sounding aliens.

I'm sorry. Those are not British. Those are aliens that happen to have coincidental accents. Yeah. Accents. And are always drinking space tea. Just because he's played by Ben Kingsley. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Breaking news. January is one of the biggest months ever for the MaximumFun.org network. We're launching four new shows. Yes, four. Four new shows. So much stuff to listen to. The first new MaxFun show is Oh No, Ross and Carrie. They join fringe religious groups, undergo alternative medicine treatments,

and investigate the paranormal all so you don't have to. Your new late-night best friends are Jasper Red and Kimberly Clark, and their new MaxFun show is called The Goose Down. Not to be missed. Also coming to MaxFun in January, Song Exploder. It's a podcast that talks to musicians about their songs and deconstructs how they were put together. And our fourth new show is Lady to Lady,

a weekly talk show with Tess Barker, Brandi Posey, and Barbara Gray. It's like The View, if The View was a good thing. And one final announcement. Dave Holmes, the great Dave Holmes from television, is joining the network as the new host of our funny as heck international quiz show, International Waters. It's going to be a great year for Maximum Fun. You can check out all our new shows at MaximumFun.org or

wherever you find your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andy Wood, man about town. Is that what it was last time? Oh, I don't know. That's a good question.

Do you think we know? Yeah. Don't you have an intern who keeps track of the universe of... Of nicknames, yeah. We have, like, George Lucas has a guy who keeps track of all the comics and the video games. Whenever that happens, we just put it in the show Bible. Exactly. Just go straight into the show Bible.

Oh, here's your joke, Andy. Okay. A bro-teen shake is when a professional snowboarder jacks off in your orange dream machine. Excellent. There you go. That's mine now. That is yours now. Okay.

Yeah. I ghost wrote that joke. I've talked on this program before about these neighbors I have that I don't know them. I've never met them before, but I hate them. And I'm not a hateful person. I'm not one to hate people that I don't know. They're the only ones of my neighbors that I hate and they live a couple blocks from me. But they have two Mustangs and a Bentley and a Land Rover and two terrifying dogs and some kind of home-based business.

It sounds like basically this family is living some sort of Grand Theft Auto type lifestyle. That is all I can guess. Yeah. And I had no idea what the business is for a very long time. Recently, there were two developments in this situation. Number one, in their driveway, and they have a driveway. It's usually where the Bentley's parked. Makes sense.

Why would you put the Bentley in the garage? You park it on the street. I thought it was driveway versus street. My house has just not a – They park their driveway – they park their Bentley in the driveway rather than in the garage. They need the garage for storage for terrifying dog food or whatever. Also, they go all out at Christmas too. So they probably keep all the decorations, the inflatable Santa.

So for a long time— Oh, P.S., when we're talking about all-out Christmas houses, I saw several all-out Christmas houses this year with inflatable Santa T-Rex. Like three different houses had this same inflatable Santa T-Rex. Which just means T-Rex with a cap? Yeah, he's got a Santa hat on. He's blue. He's blue. He's not even an agreed- color of dinosaurs or Santas. Wait, Andy, you host a science podcast.

Do people agree that the T-Rex is not blue? There are ways people have of determining, of surmising what colors of – what colors animals might be based on fossil record things. I've got how that works. But there is – it's not just the random guess. There are ways of sort of – it's still a guess. It is certainly not blue. I feel like if they were blue – I feel like if that was a thing that someone had found evidence for, that would be the top of every – that would be at the forefront. That's the top of HuffPo that day.

It would be the kids who – when a kid goes to his dinosaur phase, he would be into the blue dinosaur. If that was the thing that we'd agree exists, I feel. Okay. Fair. Anyhow, Jesse, your awful neighborhoods, Bentley's. I, um. Do they go all out at Christmas? For, no.

But there was something confusing in their driveway covered by a tarpaulin. Mm-hmm. For six, eight weeks, I'm wondering what is this huge object covered by a tarpaulin. It's a great word. In the driveway of this house I hate. How is a tarpaulin different from a tarp? Tarp is short for tarpaulin. Okay.

So how are those different? Same object. Okay. Using a different verbiage to refer to it. Why does no one say tarpaulin then? No one is fun. I guess so. Except for yours truly.

And the ladies who work at Hot Dog on a Stick. They are fun. They seem very fun. There's no doubt about that. Low maintenance. I wondered week after week what was underneath this tarpaulin. Sorry, yes. Because it's on the route that I walk my dogs.

And the other day I walked past and it was revealed to me what was underneath it. It was a hot tub. What? They have a hot tub. In their driveway. In their driveway. I'll also add that they had, they have added a decal to the back window of the Bentley. Which says, want to drive the Bentley for

a day? The Bentley. Go to brosinink.com, which I just typed into the internet for the first time, and I had assumed that it was- Bros in, bros, I-N-I-N-C, like bros in corporation? I-N-K. Okay. Like tattoo ink.

Like tattoo ink, I assumed. What I imagined in my head was that they were pitching a reality show about some tattoo guys that live in a hot tub in someone's driveway. I like where this is going. Whatever one of them gets a tattoo, the other has to get the same one because we are bros in ink. Yeah. Like they have an agreement that they – no. They – so I just typed it in. It's the only thing that's worse than that, which is a brand design firm.

I clicked on our work. There's one thing that's worse than that, which is a brand design firm. I clicked on our work. Number one, there's nothing here about how you get to drive the Bentley. Well, that's disappointing. Which is bullshit. I will say that they have four employees, one of whom is called the talent coordinator. Do they have pictures? Yeah, they do have pictures.

Yeah. You want to check out this cool picture of one of the pictures the dude is flexing. Yeah. Mason Pardes. Oh, he's got a pizza my heart shirt on. Looks like he went to UC Santa Cruz. Really? Does he? Yeah.

Look at that. He sure does. But you know what? Maybe he lived in Aptos or wherever the- That starts with an M. What is it? Could be San Marcos? Maybe.

Could be San Mateo? I don't know how far the Pizza My Heart franchise- I bet there's a Pizza My Heart in San Mateo. Let's find out. Pizza My Heart, San Mateo. Andy, for your information and most other people out there, Pizza My Heart was a pizza place. 140 East 4th Avenue. Okay.

So San Mateo. Good detective work, Jesse. Thanks. This guy whose name is Colbert, spelled with a K, is the talent coordinator. So wait. So I guess what does a design firm do? A brand design firm? A brand design firm.

They're a digital design agency that gets excited about unique ideas. Oh. That's what they are. So they just do whatever then? They make high quality videos starting at just $895. That's pretty good. They made a cool project for Doritos. I mean, what did they make for Doritos?

Oh, maybe they're doing the Doritos crash the Super Bowl commercial. With the public increase of interest in anything zombie related, we wanted to produce something kick-ass for Doritos. That's the description. Something that, I mean, definitely when you have a lot of actor and comedian friends on Facebook is people are always doing this. This is just something they entered in the Super Bowl commercial for Doritos contest. They made a video for Doritos. Jesse, they didn't lie. It features Doritos.

Yeah, this is a really, really, really annoying thing that I feel like I want to yell at people about but then don't want to appear like a dick. I guess Doritos has this thing where if you make a Doritos commercial, maybe they'll play it on the Super Bowl. And people make these things like crazy and it's one of those things like go to my page and vote for my – go to the Doritos website and vote for us once a day. It's one of these things like, no, don't make a free commercial for Doritos. Don't make anything else. Use that energy to do anything else, any other creative projects. But anyway. But then again – It is the worst.

I'm not trying to – I guess I am being the devil's advocate here. Please do. There was a great one that Matt McCarthy did with beer-flavored Doritos. Okay. Did you see that one a couple years ago? Did it win? Did it get on TV? I think it did, yeah.

I guess if you get a bazillion dollars from it, you can just go ahead and say fuck you to the Jordan Morris's of the world. It's exposure, guys. You're doing it for exposure. That's true. You're 100% right. On the other hand, if you, like Bros in Ink, write, produce, and develop beautiful, funny, effective, and impressive videos, enough said. Is their only example their Doritos video? No, they got this video.

What do we got? Well, we got iChair. It's their Kickstarter video for this chair. Are you sure this isn't an elaborate marketing campaign for Kroll Show? It could be. These could be Nick Kroll characters, Jesse. This does seem like exactly the kind of nightmare. Yeah, this is like, I mean, you know,

like the, I guess the cast of Mindy Project all went on Tinder recently and made fake Tinder accounts. Maybe this is just Nick Kroll's latest... They've got a fucking hot tub in the driveway! Who's bankrolling these guys? I mean,

they're dads, clearly. What? Who bought them the dogs? Yeah, well, I mean, they're dads, clearly. Of course. What? Who bought them the dogs? Yeah. Well, I mean, I think you can get terrifying dogs. Terrifying dogs are pretty easy to come by at a shelter. That's like the main thing at a shelter. Where'd they get the $400 to buy the dogs from the shelter?

They got two dogs, $200 a piece. Well, you could probably take a loan out against the Bentley, I don't know, to get at least a little bit of dog money. That's a good point. I bet if you pull up to an animal shelter in a Bentley. You don't think that's a lease? That's a good point. That's probably a lease Bentley the more I think about it. They're very wide.

They're like the Yamaha of douchebags. You can rent their Bentley. They can do a video for you. They can design your logo. You can get in their hot tub. They also make a chair. They also have a fun chair idea. They've got two Mustangs.

Wait, what era Mustangs? Like the recent ones? They've got two Mustangs. Yeah. Wait, what era Mustangs? Like the recent ones? No, 60s Mustangs. Oh, okay. That's good also. That's better than recent, I guess. It's better than recent, but it's still not good. Mustang is easily the worst enthusiast car you can have.

Yeah. Not even close. Camaro is better than Mustang. Trans Am might even be. Yeah, a Trans Am. Like a full-on 80s Trans Am. With the Firebird on the hood and a Targa top or whatever it's called, where the half of the top comes off. Oh, right.

But it's not actually a convertible. That's better than a Mustang. Better than a Mustang. Jesse, I mean, I think you need to go over and meet the bros. I think this is one of those things where you're judging a book by its cover. You know? Yeah, sure, they've got a hot tub and a lot of, you know, like flashy cars. And they've got a terrible website, but they're probably great guys.

I bet you'd have a ramen with them. Bring over a hot dish. Bring over a casserole. Did I mention that they have those kind of posters, those framed posters, where the poster is of like an Italian advertisement from the 1920s, like Pellegrino? Maybe they have a couple of 20-year-old college girls living there too. Yeah. Oh. Well, that's what I have to say about brosandink.com.

Maybe they're nice guys. But in their official bio, in their pictures on the site, two of the four are wearing baseball caps. I know. Well, that's because they're hip young people who like to do commercials for Doritos for free and have a Bentley for some reason. What do you think it costs to lease a Bentley? $1,000 a month? You think you could lease a Bentley? $1,000 a month? You think you could lease a Bentley for $1,000 a month? I bet you could.

I have no idea. But a Bentley costs like half a million dollars, right? No, I think it only costs like $200,000. Oh, okay. Well, either way, it's house dollars. Do you think Rosen Inc. is cover for something? I mean, do you think this is a money laundering situation? Do you think it's possible that the whole design firm is just a layer that protects the identity of their Brazilian goods store? Could be.

Could be. Maybe they're jacking off into people's smoothies. These are some great business ideas. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you can talk to these guys about business ideas. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you can talk to these guys about protein shakes. Protein shakes. I don't know why I wrote that.

There's something there. Yeah. Something there. I mean, do we have any videos that we need made? I mean, $850. I mean, we got that, right? Do you think we could Kickstarter it? I bet if we did a Kickstarter for $895, they'd do the Kickstarter video for us for free.

If we do a Kickstarter video to make the money. Yeah. That's great. I'd love to have that money, just cash, walk up to them and have no idea for a video. Just be like, I heard you guys will make me a video. Let's hear some pitches. Yeah, and they're going to see the cash in your hand and they'll suddenly have to like, oh, this is how our business works.

We will just make a video, whole cloth. We will just create, just say, I heard about these web videos. Here's $895. Make me a video. I'm really interested to hear what these dudes are capable of in a pure art context. these dudes are capable of in a pure art context. In a fine art situation, you know, a gallery or museum show context. Yeah, I think that's an area where they would be really strong.

No strings attached. You know what I mean? Would they do something? Do you think they would do a monumental work? You know what I mean? Would they be doing land and sea art? I don't know. I mean, I think obviously video is their medium.

I mean, maybe this is like that thing, you know, where Yoko Ono made that video of a fly landing on a nipple. Do you think their work would recall the work of Nam June Pak? One can only assume. Is this a front for elaborate installation artist Christo? Yeah. Maybe they'll put orange flags all around a Caribbean island for $900. The orange flags are all – they all say Doritos on them. They're all shaped like Doritos. I think the $895 version of the Christo projects is just – they just put two Lakers flags coming out of the windows of their family.

And then one will get loose and kill someone at some point. Somebody's going to get a Lakers flag through the head. Oh, man. I really wanted it to be a reality show. Yeah. But maybe, you know, maybe, I mean, that's what reality shows are. They just find a business and they, you know, they shadow that business. But maybe Bros and Inc., maybe that's their attempt at a reality show.

They just sort of try and reflect the actual truth of the situation on the ground. Sure, exactly. Is what a reality show is. Just kind of try to be flies on the wall. You know what? Let's pitch this thing. We got show business connections. Oh, tons.

You got a manager, right? Sure. I've met agents. Yeah. You got a manager, right? Sure. I've met agents. Yeah. You know, I met with an agent once or twice. I say we get out there, talk to some development guys, say we got a great idea. It's brosandinc.com. Do we approach Bros and Inc. first or do we sell the show first and then come to them?

We sell the show first. We sell the show first and if the real bros in ink won't go for it, we recreate it on a soundstage. Green screen? Yeah, we just green screen it. Jesse, do you think we could do this at Skywalker Ranch? You have connections. I don't see why we wouldn't do it at Skywalker Ranch,

and the advantage is, you know, you always want diversity in the cast. We could cast an Indian guy. I like that. I mean, sorry, an alien. An alien. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me.

And you could save unleashing that Bentley. You could just do that all in post. It could be a fully rendered Bentley. It could just be a CG Bentley. Just a full-on rendered Bentley. Yeah. We would just render the Bentley. Just render the Bentley.

That's the slogan of Rosen Inc. Render the Bentley. the Bentley. Just render the Bentley. That's the slogan of Rosen Inc. Render the Bentley. I mean, I'm a little, I mean, guys, we're having fun.

It's undeniable. We're having a lot of fun here. I'm a little bit worried. I mean, I don't know if they're big podcast fans over Rosen Inc. You're just being a worrywart. Maybe I am, but just give me a forum here. I see where you're going. Like Andy, I sometimes enjoy playing Devil's Advocate. Right. I mean watching Devil's Advocate starring Al Pacino.

And a young Charlize Theron. And a young Charlize Theron. Playing the card game based on the film Devil's Advocate. Right, yes. The collectible card game with- Based on the novelization of the film, Devil's Advocate. Yeah, exactly. With expansion pack.

So I'm worried that you're going to be walking your dog or out with Simon or something and you're going to get an entire two liter bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red to the head. You won't know where it comes from. It'll be somebody's in the trees. And I don't know. I mean, I'm just, I'm worried. I'm worried you're creating a hostile environment for yourself. That's the horse head in bed from Rosen Inc. Yes, exactly.

Yes, it's about to, yeah. You know what? I don't think these guys are like that. I love these guys and they love me. You know what I mean? These are some cool, chill dudes and chicks. Clearly. That's why they like to hang out in their driveway.

I thought the hot tub was maybe in transit. With the coos on. Is it in transit or is that where the hot tub is installed? I don't believe it to be in transit because it is leveled. Okay. A driveway is not naturally level, but they have taken steps to level it. And so for this reason, I believe it to be fully functional. A driveway hot tub.

I mean, obviously we would have to get too regional to fully explain this, but it's so weird that these guys have set up their shop by your house. Yes. Do you say what neighborhood you live in? Let's be clear. The neighborhood that I live in is completely inappropriate for this activity. The neighborhood that I live in is completely inappropriate for this activity. If I lived, there are a broad, over 70% of the neighborhoods in the greater Southern California region would be appropriate for this business to exist in.

Mine is not one of middle class, residential, slightly artsy, sort of long, deep roots type of neighborhood. If this was going on right now in some weird place in Burbank, sure, anything can happen in Burbank. Yeah, you can have a model trade store if you want to. Exactly. In 2014. Yeah, a store dedicated to styrofoam gliders. Sure, why not? They've got it. Shave it down.

But maybe, I don't know, maybe they were just, I mean, clearly they're transplants. Clearly they've moved. From San Mateo. From San Mateo. Or maybe Hillsboro. Could be. Something San Mateo. Or maybe Hillsboro. Could be. Something in the peninsula. Probably they just like – I mean obviously kind of adjacent to you is Highland Park, which is kind of the new hipster place to live.

And maybe they were just thumbing through LA Magazine or something while they were trying to relocate Bros and Inc. They were saying to themselves, yeah, we're the kings of San Mateo, but we got to be where the action is. And they were just then they say, oh, Highland Park, new up and coming neighborhood. And they just kind of got got as close as they possibly could. Do you think they established themselves in the peninsula by representing peninsula based businesses like the Monterey Bay Aquarium? businesses like the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Like maybe they do some sweet dubstep heavy videos for the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I was going to say It's It. Okay, sure. It's It, I believe, based in Burlingame, California, not far from San Mateo, just across the 101, if I'm not mistaken. I like the idea of just a beautifully shot video of a manatee swimming. But like, ew, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Please someone make that. Just like really intense, really intense.

The first person who makes a dubstep manatee video gets a free t-shirt posted on the MaxFun Reddit. Dubstep manatee. But the manatees have to be very peaceful. Here's what I picture you playing with the speed. It can't be a manatee DJing. No, yeah. Play with the speed of the manatee, though. It's going fast, then when the drop hits, the manatee goes into slow motion.

It's like speeding towards the camera, then pew, bop, bop, bop, bop, and suddenly the manatee's in slow motion. Here's a question. Do you think that a person could tell the difference between manatee fast and manatee slow? Excellent point. Well, this is a video for other manatees. Oh, I got you.

Yeah, I mean, I guess we're talking about kind of that area. Should we get together? The John Steinbeck Museum. Should we get together the $895 and hire our friends at Bros in Ink to make this video? I don't know. How self-aware do you think Bros in Ink are? Like when we approach them with this project. Oh, I would guess very.

Are they going to know we're making fun of them? Or maybe we're – I'm sorry. We're not. No, we're not sure. We love what they do. That's very positional. I mean their work seems perfectly fine from the aesthetics of their website. I got nothing against it.

I'm a little uncomfortable with the guy flexing in his bio picture. I got nothing against it. I'm a little uncomfortable with the guy flexing in his bio picture. But that's just because I'm physically afraid of him, to be honest. Yeah, that's true. I'm afraid of anyone who flexes. Jordan, if you flexed right now, I would become physically afraid of you. I'm doing kegels. Well.

That's why you're. Boy, oy, oy. Uh-oh, that's the opposite of terror. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective andy wood man about town sponsors on this week's program first of all why why spend $895 branding your company with some crappy video from BrosInc.com when you can build a sweet website with Squarespace? Jordan, Jesse Go is supported by Squarespace, the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. They have all kinds of templates. You've got your drag-and-drop interface., you got your drag and drop interface,

you got your affordable prices, you got your mobile ready, and if you can't figure anything, if there's anything you can't figure out, they got support 24-7. Go to squarespace.com and use the offer code JJGO1. That's all one word, JJGO

and the number 1 to get 10% off your first Spurchess. Spurchess. By Spurchess, of course I meant purchase. Squarespace, everything you need to create an exceptional website. And, hey, we got something up on the Jumbotron this week, a podcast, Radio vs. the Martians. Hosts Mike Gillis and Casey Doran join a rotating cast of their friends for an irreverent, well, they're friends with Mike and Casey. Yeah.

You know what I mean? They're not going to be reverent of shit. For an irreverent and profanity-laden panel show about geek culture, science fiction, comic books, professional wrestling, and movies. Think of it as the McLaughlin Group for nerds. It's called Radio vs. the Martians. New episodes every month. Finally someone is filling

that niche. You know what I mean? Radio vs. the Martians dot com. iTunes. Stitcher. Every place you get a podcast. If you want to sponsor Jordan Jesse Go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org If you want to get up on the Jumbotron for a special announcement

on Jordan Jesse Go, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It could be somebody's birthday. It could be a plug for your blog, what have you. They're very affordable. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron for that. Hey, we've got shows coming up, Jordan. Incidentally. Two shows. We have these shows coming up. I'm worried. I made this promise last week on the program that if we sold out our show on the USS Iowa, the battleship, the first ever comedy podcast to broadcast from a battleship. Wow. That I would donate $1,000 personally myself to Swords to Plowshares in addition to all of the ticket money because all of the ticket money is going to Swords to Plowshares. I want to sell this thing out because otherwise what am I going to do with this $1,000?

Buy some crappy video? Yeah. Basically, people, if you're not coming to this show on – that show is on January 25th. If you're not coming to see this show on the 25th, you are taking money out of the pockets of veterans and putting them in to the giant pockets on the sides of shorts of Bros to Ink. Bros to Ink. Bros for Ink. Ink Bros. You might as well just stop by the Bentley dealership and drop your $1,000 off there

because that's what you're doing. Sure. Just slide it under the door of Beverly Hills Ducati. Yeah. So we're here in Southern California on the 25th on board the USS Iowa in the Officer's Mess.

Is that docked in Long Beach or something? It's docked in San Pedro, Port of Los Angeles. Okay. And it's going to be a fucking tremendous show. We're going to have

special guests there. It's going to be a lot of fun. I think we've already got Eliza Skinner agreed to be on the show. So you can see her. It doesn't get much better than the great Eliza Skinner. And of course in February, we're coming up to San Francisco for

SF Sketch Fest. We will be doing Jordan, Jesse Goh on Saturday, February 8th alongside our friend Rob Corddry. Maybe you've heard of him. Come on, San Francisco. Who's your best celebrity right now? Tracy Chapman? We got Rob

Corddry on this show. You're just excited that Huey Lewis stopped by. We got Rob Corddry from Children's Hospital. He's right in Hot Tub Time Machine 2 right now. You know what I mean?

Tell that to Joan Baez. Tell that to the guy from Third Eye Blind. Yeah. The lead singer of... Do you think we can get him to do a drop in? Yeah, probably so. Just do a couple of songs? Drop him a line. Man, when Third Eye Blind got famous, their first video, they shot like three blocks from

my house and I saw it on MTV and it blew my fucking mind. On the mopeds? I can't remember. All I remember is they were like on Valencia Street at like 23rd or something like that. Yeah. I was like, shit, that's like four blocks from my house. It was very, very exciting. Is that how you got the bug, Jesse?

Yeah. If they can do it. That's why I'm a singer-songwriter now. If these hometown boys. And the next day I'm going to be doing a tribute to Mal Sharp, featuring Mal Sharp, and a bunch of cool Coil and Sharp stuff alongside Matt Roberts and, excuse me, Matt Walsh and Matt Besser of the Upright Citizens Brigade and James Richmuth of Casper

Houser, also at Sketchfest. All of those ticket links you can find on our website, MaximumFun.org. Just buy the fucking tickets. Don't fuck around. Do it. It's going to be fun. If you want us to do live shows, you have to buy tickets to the live shows. That's all I have to say about that.

Sure. It's the least you can do. Buy them and give them to a friend. Introduce a friend. You got to work. You got shift work. It's difficult to move it around. I understand. So buy the fucking tickets. Give them to a friend introduce a friend you got to work you got shift work it's difficult to move it around i understand so buy the fucking tickets give them to a friend you don't have any friends slip it under the door bros and ink there you go i think that could be

there stop by beverly hills ducati see if anybody wants them there we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andy Wood, man at large. Special guest, Coco the dog, doing some funny stuff in the middle of the studio right now. Doing some funny barrel rolls.

Some rubbing around on the rug. Yeah, she's pretty chill. Yeah, she's super chill. Probably a little hot in here, huh, Coco? Yeah, that's why she's so relaxed. Yeah. She just chills out when it's hot. Oh, yeah, you got to chill when it's hot.

She's straight to Lexan down there. Jordan, what's going on with you lately? Well, because I'm a fun guy in my 30s who is friends with exclusively couples, I've been doing a lot of swing. I've been doing a lot of key parties. I've been organizing a lot of key parties. Now we're talking my kind of podcast, guys. Thank you. So, Andy, what do you do with the furniture?

Exactly. That's the question. Do you put a tarp on? A tarpulin, yeah. And I have been to several game nights recently where we've played this game Cards Against Humanity. This is a popular game that started as a Kickstarter. Yeah, I guess so. I don't know about the history of it. Has become popular among the board game community.

Sure. Which is a real thing. So this – I guess if I was to describe this game, it would be like an irreverent grown-ups only take on apples to apples. That's exactly what it is. You take two cards. You have a white card that includes a blank. It will be something like, you know, the latest movie of the week is about troubles with blank. And then you will have all these black cards that have a noun on them or a phrase or something like that.

It's the subject of the sentence or something like that. And they can get a little saucy. I mean if you're PC, if you're like one of these politically correct people who don't have a twisted sense of humor. Yes, Jesse. Can I stop you here? Correct people who don't have a twisted sense of humor. Yes, Jesse. Can I stop you here?

Mm-hmm. I was recently deputized as a member of the PC police. Okay. Oh, by Tipper Gore? Yeah. And I'm going to have to arrest you. Oh, no. For having fun. Oh, man.

Fuck. Spoiling all our fun. I can't believe you and all those other thousands of people who identify as politically correct are always on our ass. You know politically correct? That thing someone says about themselves? Right, right. So, OK. So the outrageous things will be – I'd say the sense of humor is a combination of like …

Angry nerd and lonely nerd. A little bit. That's almost it. I would say it has the sense of humor – this kind of – it has the sense of humor of a commercial for fast food that you would see during Adult Swim. Just like a random collection of crazy stuff that doesn't relate to each other and that's the joke of how random this is. How random.

It would be like David Bowie's rainbow penis or something like that. And then there's just stuff that's just like that's just like offensive, like a black guy, like it'll just say a black guy or Asian drivers or something like that. So the idea is that the the person at the top of the round has a white card and they're the kind of arbiter. And then you all have to turn in the black card that you think goes the best with that sentence and then the you know arbiter of the round will say which one won and it's like oh the movie of the week is concerns a black guy or david bowie's rainbow penis and uh so so i've i've i've had to play this game a couple of times and everyone i'm playing with really enjoys it and it's not and i know i'm talking about this game like it's the dumbest thing in the world.

But these are not dumb people I'm playing with. These are friends of mine who I like. How many Nobel laureates? Several. Several. This is a regular Algonquin roundtable. Exactly. They've all won their Nobel Prizes in chemistry.

Right. So maybe that's a little – they're maybe not as sophisticated in the arts. Right. Because they're all chemists. But a few MacArthur genius grantees. Exactly. And I put genius in quotes. It's not literally called –

They use the word. Yeah. They simply call it the MacArthur grant. Oh. So when I'm playing this game and I guess I just don't find it funny. I guess I just don't understand what everyone is laughing at. It's just like – it's just these crazy things and i'm trying to like find something i enjoy about this right like i'm trying to find some way to latch into this and i guess my thing is like okay there's

a there's a smart way to play this game to where you can make the cleverest thing possible like make have turn in a card that has something to do with with the prompt like it's you know because people usually give the people usually say the winner is just the craziest thing someone turns down and it's like you know i was late today because there was too many uh penis wrinkles you know it's like that doesn't mean anything but if you can find something that has to do with cars or traffic or something like that that's's the thing that should win. So like before every game – Asian drivers. Asian drivers.

Perfect. Perfect. So that's the one where – Something that's actually funny. Yeah, exactly. I was late because of Asian drivers. So I feel like before each game I've been making this speech. Hey, let's not just pick the craziest things.

Let's play smart. Let's play a smart game of Cards Against Humanity. Guys, I want to lay down a few ground rules here. I know I'm a guest at this party. And I'm being a dick. I'm ruining... Yeah, I'm going to roll my eyes throughout this whole game.

So I'm trying to lock into this. And I think a big part of... Guys, it's pronounced Kare-oke. I think I'm with you, though, because I had heard a lot about it before playing it. And I actually – it was like a last-minute gift for two different members of my family who were in different parts of the country. Because everyone loves it. And then after having gifted it to both of them, I actually played it. And I had the same dilemma you did.

having gifted it to both of them, I actually played it. And I had the same dilemma you did. But also, when I play apples to apples with friends of mine, we play a variant on the rules where the person doesn't just pick the one they like the most. They pick the top two or three. And those people get to argue their points. I tried to instigate an arguing system, too. And that's so much more fun. I'm like, can there be a debate or something?

Because then it just becomes like, you know, an improv game in bullshittery. And you can go ridiculous with that. But then when you're just doing the – the joke's already – it's also like it violates so many rules of joke telling, this game, because the punchlines are already all out there. And then it's anticlimactic when they just say, OK, this one. Right. And that doesn't suddenly make an extra round of applause and a laugh or something. It's like the humor's already been played. Right. And I doesn't simply make an extra round of applause and a laugh or something. It's like the humor's already been played. Right.

And I think – If there even is any. You object to it on structural grounds. On joke structural grounds. And also on fun grounds. I think it's more fun when people – And where's the denouement? Am I right?

Listen – Who saves the cat in this game? Where's the prestige? When the hero goes on his quest – You've got to promise the turn. Where's the prestige? Doesn't he have on his quest. You've got the promise, the turn. Where's the prestige? Doesn't he have to like deliberate before accepting the hero's challenge? There's a questioning period.

Jesse, can you ask George Lucas about this? Yeah. There's a dark night of the soul involved at some point according to Blake Snyder and his beat sheets. So this is I feel like bringing out two bad parts of my personality, two parts of my personality that I do not like. Number one, hypersexual. Sure, exactly because I am jacking off throughout this whole game. Again, this was a swingers party of cards. You're right, exactly.

And if you pick the funniest card, you get to – the person who says – who hands in the funniest black card, you fuck them. When you say that you're looking for a way to enjoy this game, you're referring specifically to like an ocean of personal lubricant. Yes, exactly. I mean, I just bring a tub of Vaseline from Costco. Right. A Kirkland signature vat of Vaseline. So, Jesse, you read this book, The Ascent of the A Word. Yes, I did.

Jeffrey Numberg. I did, yes. This guy, Jeffrey Numberg, he's the fresh air linguist, wrote this book about what it means to be an asshole, like why assholes are so popular. And it kind of just goes over where the word asshole got invented, the most popular current assholes. the most popular current assholes. And the thing that I liked a lot about that book or the thing that really stuck with me about it was that the idea of an asshole, it's circular. If you're calling someone an asshole, that's an asshole move. So it's like it feeds itself.

So when Bill O'Reilly assholes around on TV, we think he's an asshole, but we're being assholes. So it feeds itself. And a big part of that is, and I think this is something I waste a lot of energy on is imagining a fake person and then being mad at that person. I do that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And I imagine the guys who invented Cards Against Humanity.

They're two dudes with very expensive glasses frames. They're wearing Super Mario T-shirts. They're sitting in beanbags. And they're just cracking each other up with how random they can be. Oh, man, dude, you are so random. That is – you know, they're fucking – they're drinking out of beer helmets. They're riding razors around their loft. I think here's the thing.

Number one, Cards Against Humanity was created by a group of eight people, all of whom still have their regular jobs. Okay. Which I think is very interesting. Do they have Super Mario t-shirts? I read it in an article in the New York Times. I'm the only person here who has never played this game, by the way. Well, this is good because I'm just— I think you have, and I'm with you 100%, a moral objection to randomness in quote unquote humor.

Sure. Because randomness – the people who tell you about how they love something that's random are horrible people. Of course. It's so random. Who don't know what a joke is and that's very upsetting to someone. Sometimes don't even know what random means. That word gets misused a lot. Right.

And that can be very personally offensive, I think, to someone who spends a lot of – puts a lot of effort into making a joke on purpose. Sure. Totally. And, yeah, I think I'm just sitting around hating these fake guys who I don't even know exist. And I think I do that a lot. Like I envision a fake guy and I spend a lot of energy being mad at that guy who I don't even know exists. Have you thought about channeling that energy into something real? Like –

The lizard men that control the banking industry. It's going to say making a Doritos crash the Super Bowl commercial. I think this is what you kind of were getting at with that like let's debate is that like, oh, maybe the thing I don't like about this is that something is being funnier than me. Like I'm at a party and something is stealing the focus. We're supposed to be playing a regular game and I'm supposed to be the one making jokes. And instead we're laughing at these cards that these guys have made. I guess I – maybe the thing I don't like about it is that something is upstaging me. I understand that 100 percent.

Totally. I'm right there with you on that too. Yeah, yeah. Man, I'll tell you what. Probably the most – I feel like the most insightful thing that anyone I know has ever said. One time Mark Maron said that he likes to entertain. He likes to cook at parties because that way he can be the center of attention without talking to anyone. I can relate to that so much.

Yeah, I, I get that. I mean, that's the same thing that I'm going at when I, when I say that we play a game and we argue our points and it's not like it has to be one person running the whole thing. It's just, it's a more engaging game when it engages,

when it, when it is engaging, when it forces everyone involved to be a little bit creative and to be interacting with each other beyond just putting out a card and then pointing that one. This is funny. Yeah. I mean that's – it is fun. Gorilla Tate.

I pointed to that. I recognize the word Gorilla Tate and I'm pointing to it. But I think maybe something we take for granted is we probably have a lot of friends that are comfortable making jokes and being creative. And I think if you are not comfortable being the center of attention, you can kind of do that by being the funniest card giver. And I guess that is something. The rules of the game require you to put in a card and so for that reason, you are forced into a position where you have done a funny thing by adding the card to the thing. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. And I guess I – I guess – It's also a safe space to have enjoyment time if you're uncomfortable enjoying yourself outside of a space where there's rules. Sure. Sure. Yeah. I don't know.

I think maybe I – maybe – because this is going to come up again. Like I know I'm going to be invited to play a game of Cards Against Humanity again. So maybe I need to take it as an exercise and just like – Letting go. Just fucking don't be the center of attention, asshole. Like just sit there and listen. Have fun with everyone else. Try and enjoy the same thing they're enjoying.

Be passive. Listen more. These are all things that I kind of want to work on. You can just drink more beforehand. I know. Just be a drunk boob. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Be incapable of speech. Right. Just babble through it. This is what I – this David Bowie's gorilla dick. We've addressed this on Jordan Jesse Go before, but my issue with this game, should I be invited to play it, would simply be that I would want to win very badly. Yeah, I know. And would be also would hate myself for wanting to win so badly while I wanted to win so badly. Would give myself no credit if I did win, but would hate myself if I lost.

That's a fundamental thing not to get sciencey. We just talked about this in our podcast recently, how much more averse to loss people are than they enjoy win. Right, exactly. If you get a $20 parking ticket, that ruins your day much more than finding $20 on the ground improves your day. Sure. We're disproportionately biased against losses. Yeah. And again, with this game, it's hard to –

Just take a look at the iTunes reviews for Jordan Jesse. Go with me sometime. We'll find one one-star one and go to sleep. No! Smug, eh? I'm sorry. I can delete it, you guys. I can go back in and delete it.

But it's true. We're being a little smug. We are pretty smug. There is a lot of language. Oh man pretty smug. Come on, tarpaulin? Come on. There is a lot of language. Yeah, you can... Oh, man. Somebody wrote in an iTunes review that the show had a lot

of unnecessary language. And I got so angry. I was like, oh, you can't even bring yourself to say vulgar or explicit? Too many dick jokes. Oh, I honestly thought when you said unnecessary language,

someone was taking you to task for using tarpaulin instead of tar. Excessive verbiage? Yeah, not even for being dirty, but just for being verbose. That would be great. I would support that. If they didn't like our show because our speech was

too flowery, then I would I can get behind that. To be fair, the language is unnecessary. I think they're right. The entirety. Certainly. Can I be hyperlocative? Yes. I probably just made up that word.

Could you be more loquacious? What does that mean? Listen, the show should be put under a tarpaulin. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, folks, this is Kevin Allison of the Max Fund podcast, Risk, Love you, love you, love you, love you Jaw-dropping true stories from Aisha Tyler. This being the 90s, I was drinking malt liquor. Don't fuck you in your racist house. We're all racists. We're laughing.

Tom Lennon. Whenever I walk into a place that's called Mr. Binkies, I'm expecting Armenian bumblebee to be like, I got Jackoff pills for you. Yeah! Jay Moore. Me, public school in New Jersey, I didn't need to know anything because everybody knew you got pregnant by peeing in each other's butts. That's how we knew it.

Andy Dick. We've had a monogamous relationship for five years. I barely cheated on her. And The Daily Show's Jessica Williams. Oh, my God. I have, like, this need to be responsible for some reason that doesn't really benefit me. So, like, Jessica, clean it up. Look for Risk on iTunes or, of course, at MaximumFun.org.

Risk! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andy Wood, man at large. It's our wildest, most irreverent segment of the program. Hopefully you got a

twisted sense of humor. No more reverence for this show. What do you revere? We're about to kick it in the balls. Religion? Family? Fuck you. We're pretty controversial.

So say we. The moving emotional power of art. Fuck it. The human spirit. Get up my butt. Necessary language? No thanks. Get up my butt.

Can that be the slogan for 2014? 2014, get up my butt. By the way, people have been bothering us about the slogan. We're thinking about it. Maybe we'll talk about it next week on the program. If you have ideas about it, post them on the Reddit. On the Reddit, there's an open thread where we're taking suggestions. We're not necessarily going to pick one of your suggestions.

We probably won't because we want to think of it. But if you have a great suggestion, we might take elements of it. Kick it around? We're not going to give you credit. No, no, no. But on the Reddit, if you search for MaxFunReddit, you'll find on the Reddit there, there's one of the threads is just an open discussion of 2014 slogan. I think it's going to be a great slogan one way or the other.

It's going to be a great year. I'm feeling really good about 2014. How are you feeling, Andrew? Great. It started off with DiFalia on Reddit. How could's going to be a great year. I'm feeling really good about 2014. How are you feeling, Andy? Great. It started off with DiFalia on Reddit. How could it be anything but a phenomenal year? You guys have already discussed that, I'm sure. I don't know what that is. I don't know either.

January 1st, 2014, the most read AMA in Reddit history was the man with two penises. You didn't. How did this escape your real... You haven't talked about this? We did our Reddit AMA last week. Coincidentally, the second most read.

We're the two men with two penises. It was a little less impressive. That's why we build ourselves. Wait, so what came out during the two penises? Honestly, neither of you have read this. No, uh-uh. Your listeners have. I'm sure they have? Honestly, neither of you have read this. No, uh-uh. Your listeners have. I'm sure they have.

Yeah, yeah. It was bonkers. And I was totally skeptical, but he kept posting more and more pictures where he would have a Post-it note with the date and the Reddit. And he has two. And I guess it's super rare and it's even rarer for them both to be reasonably sized. Like usually one's like your little ghost penis or whatever. That's not the term probably. But yeah, he's got- It's transparent. One's transparent. It's just ghost penis in whatever. That's not the term probably.

But yeah, he's got – It's transparent. What's transparent? It's just ghost penis in Latin. Yeah, yeah. Is the actual term. But he talked about any manner of things that would be an issue when you have two penises. Do you urinate out of both?

The answer is yes. So he has to take them both out when he's standing at the urinal. He's currently in a relationship with a man and a woman. Sometimes he uses – At least he's got the numbers game, right? Yeah. He's spreading – yeah, his cast is net wide. Sometimes he puts them both together and inserts them simultaneously into a person.

It's called the double stuff. Double stuff. Double stuff for you, yeah. Check it out. I mean everyone listening already has. Like this is old hat. It's been on every late night show and stuff. But it was pretty interesting and he seemed like a pretty smart, grounded guy for having this condition. He wasn't –

Can I just say? It's things like this that make me glad that I don't depend on the internet for my livelihood. 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number to call when something momentous happens to you, such as... Having two penises stuffed up inside you. If two penises get up your butt. For our segment Momentous Occasions, let's take a listen to our first call this week. Hey there, this is Tom from Denver calling with Momentous Occasion. I was just at the post office

and I totally saw a lady trying to retrieve her mail and her form of ID was a marijuana license. Pretty sweet. Thanks, guys. I used my weed car to get into a bar once when I didn't have my license. Totally worked. Totally worked. My picture's on it.

Wait, is that a state-issued card or not? I don't think so. No, I think it's as... Where did you get it, Jordan? Think back to where you got it. I got this in Palm Springs. The People's Republic of Palm Springs. The state capital. It is the county seat. Right, exactly. Springs. The People's Republic of Palm Springs. State Capitol.

It is the county seat. Right, exactly. Was it from a store that was named with a backronym? Here, let me see. I can actually tell you specifically. We'll give these guys a little plug. People's Organic Therapy. That's actually a pretty nice card.

I could see how you got into a bar with that. It is Greensight Medical. Greensight Medical there in Palm Springs. They put some money into printing that thing. Oh, totally. I'm standing in front of an American flag. Yeah. And the palm leaf. You're looking high. Looking super stoned. I think just the idea was that like,

oh, clearly I'm 21 because I have this pot license. Can you when they take that when they take that picture, do they, first you just make a regular face and they're like, could you stoner it up a little bit? Stoney it up a little bit. Can you just tilt your head back a little further and sort of widen your straight smile?

They're like, here, we're going to put an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force just kind of near your field of vision. You'll have to look at it a little bit sideways. So do they put your condition on the card? They do not, no. Oh, okay. What condition do you have, Jordan? Difficulty sleeping and anxiety. There you go.

Helps with both. Helps with both. It does help with both, yeah. Loss of appetite, too. Appetite for destruction. Yeah. Wouldn't it be awesome if you were smoking marijuana? appetite for destruction yeah when we say appetite for destruction it just means listening to the song let's take another call uh hey j Jordan. Hey, Jesse and distinguished guest. I have a really, really fucking momentous occasion.

I got an email from my doctor with some lab results in it. And after finding out that I had late stage AIDS earlier this year, after only four months of medication, this year after only four months of medication, my viral load is undetectable and my white blood cell count is the same as any normal person's would be. So yeah, hooray modern medicine. Wow. He beat AIDS. He beat AIDS. He beat AIDS. He beat. You know, do you think Jordan Jesse Go is the perfect thing to add to your anti-retroviral cocktail? It's the fourth drug in the cocktail. You got to cut it with a little podcast. Yeah. Like, sure.

AZT by itself is minimally effective. AZT JJ Go. I mean, if you if this scene was cut out, I don't know if you guys have seen the Dallas Buyers Club or not. Oh, you mean AIDS Cowboy? Yeah, I mean AIDS Cowboy. No, I haven't seen it yet. Yeah. Hard-drinking AIDS Cowboy.

There is a scene, there's a scene that's in the director's cut. Dallas Buyers Club, colon. AIDS Cowboy. Where credit's due, April Richardson in the director's cut. Dallas Buyers Club, colon, Ace Cowboy. Credit where credit's due. April Richardson's joke, not mine. There's a scene. There's a deleted scene.

I got the Blu-ray a little bit early. I'm part of SAG, so I get early Blu-rays. You're part of the Blu-ray wing of SAG. Yeah, exactly. Gotcha. I only act in Blu-rays. Gotcha. You're only visible in 1080p.

And I look terrible if you have that smoothing on your TV. I just look terrible. 24 frames per second, guys. It's meant to be that way. There is a scene where Matthew McConaughey is distributing. It takes place in the 80s, so he's distributing cassettes of Jordan Jesse Go. And the FDA tried to shut him down. Because they were approved first in Mexico.

Yeah, he goes down to Mexico, smuggles them in. There's also a scene of him going to Japan and getting them. So, you know, he just gets them from wherever and he— Your underground podcast tape distributor rings, yeah. This is back when we were doing the show straight to cassette. 206-984-4FUN. If you have a momentous occasion to share with us, put it in your telephone so that when something momentous happens,

you can call us immediately. I'm glad that guy was ready. Soon as he beat AIDS, you know what I mean? I like how he had the phone ready so even if the lab results were bad, he could call us. We definitely would want to play that call. Yeah.

That would be a lot of fun. Have you played any awful momentous occasions? Well, we play moments of shame sometimes. Yeah. Those are amusingly embarrassing. Yeah. We haven't really played any momentous occasions like my grandmother just died. But you must have gotten some of those.

I think we have gotten some, but we don't generally, I think most Jordan Jesse Goh fans are familiar, if they're familiar enough with our program to know the telephone number, are familiar enough with our program to know not to tell us that they're going to die at the end.

They're not going literal with like, momentous doesn't imply good or bad. It's just an extreme on the scale. They're not trying to be like exact words. That would be great. If we, if that's probably, we have probably gotten that in an iTunes review. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I'm just, I try and breathe through my nose because it warms and filters the air. Is that considered Ujaya breathing?

That's what my yoga teacher told me. Ujaya? Is that what it is? I think that's the right word. That sounds right to me. That's one of the space races for the new Star Wars movie. Landridge Oakley? Ujaya breathing.

Laldridge Olkey? I forgot it already. They have a hard time seeing on some planets because their eyes are so slanty. The aliens. The aliens. The aliens. They're aliens. They're not people.

That was also something I was skimming by on my phone in the notes section was doing something with the fact that whenever there's an NPR remote piece, the back – it could just be the Mos Eisley Cantina being – giving you the location of where they are. I like that. I feel like a lot of times when you hear NPR, you know, they kind of like, you know, they'll lead up to it with a little bit of ambient sound, a little bit of, you know, to give you the flavor of where you are, whether it's a, you know, it's a marketplace or it's a, you know, it's the offices of marketplace. He's a tort hoodler in a band here in Mos Eisley. And he's got AIDS. It's Max Rebo. Oh, man. Space AIDS. Yeah.

Space AIDS. I'm so glad we got medicine for AIDS. Me too. It's amazing. It's great. It's gotten to the point we were able to make light of that and never once genuinely say congratulations on beating this death sentence disease. We chanted that. Yeah. We did.

That's right. this death sentence disease. We chanted that. We did. That's right. But I mean, it's gotten to the point that it's like, it's beatable,

sort of, almost to the point that we're too cavalier about it, man, because I don't even know what the percentages are. I don't know how... I have a friend

who's been HIV positive for now, what is this, 2014? Like 25 years. Wow. Yeah, which is sort of amazing.

I mean, they expected when he was diagnosed, they expected that he would be gone in five years. Wow. Yeah, which is sort of amazing. I mean they expected when he was diagnosed, they expected that he would be gone in five years. Jeez. You know? And 25 years later, he's still knocking around. Good news for him and his partner. Bad news for their retirement plans.

Oh. That's like a big issue now. It's just like – People who didn't plan for retirement because they didn't expect to be around. for their retirement plans. That's like a big issue now. People who didn't plan for retirement because they didn't expect to be around. Oh, I thought you just meant they didn't have great insurance and they just went. No, no. Just in general, you don't plan for the future. Yeah, I guess if you think it's hard to go down and open a Roth IRA. Exactly.

You're trying to make the most of the little time that you have left. Wow, I never thought about that angle on it. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I never thought about that angle on it. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Guys, one of my New Year's resolutions was to start a Roth IRA, and I did it. You did? It was a lot of fun.

Really? Nice. Is that post-tax? That's post-tax dollars, right? It is, yeah. Yeah. But then you don't get hit again later on. You paid tax on it now.

Right. But then when you take it out later, it'll be tax-free. Yeah. Great. Roth IRA is a nice IRA. Yeah. It's one of the it out later, it'll be tax-free. Yeah. Great. Roth IRA is a nice IRA. Yeah. It's one of the better IRAs. I got one of those.

Oh, you do? Which would you say is the top IRA? Northern Ireland? I got a SEP. What's a SEP? Is that pronounced tarp? You have a tarp on your head. Brian, how come you haven't told me what a SEP is yet?

SEP. Listen, we're all bad with money. Terrorist organization or retirement account? SEP. Simplified Employee Pension. Oh, okay. I got a SEP. I was familiar with, I had 401ks for a while when I had more traditional jobs.

I had employee stock purchase plans. Like a Bible salesman? Originally. You were a blacksmith. No, I was a Fletcher for a little while. I did some cobbling. I was a cooper and made some barrels. I was a chandler very briefly.

Not good with the candles I didn't so you were a cooper for a while tell me what was your philosophy on the bunghole the bunghole is totally unnecessary also what they don't tell you is when you're a cooper you're inadvertently also kind of a haberdasher because you're creating

a sort of clothing for those who need it you know with some suspenders a barrel can be cut I mean I think we were taught facts like that that need it. You know, with some suspenders, a barrel can be cut. Sure. I mean, I think we were taught facts like that that make it so fun to hang with Mr. Cooper. That's why everyone loves to hang with me is they don't know much about bungholes. Okay. Let's wrap this thing up.

Andy Wood is a stand-up comedian. You can see him in performances across this great nation. You can also listen to his podcast, which is called Probably Science. And you can visit his comedy festival, which is in Portland. May 8th through 11th. May 8th through 11th. Now, that's Portland, Maine, correct? Poor Portland, Maine.

The last 15 years have not been kind to Portland, Maine. Before that, Portland, Maine was like, hey, we got Portland parody. Yeah. Like now all Portland parody is of Portland, Oregon. Yeah. Portland was almost Boston. They almost named it Boston. Oh.

Portland, Oregon? Yeah, Portland, Oregon. They were between naming it after – they were going to name it after some East Coast city and it's pretty uncreative to begin with. But it was almost just going to be Boston, Oregon. They were trying to set up a sister city situation. Yeah. Does Portland, Oregon have a port? Yes. The Port of Portland is very active. It's on the Columbia. It's where the Willamette

River intersects the Columbia, the mighty Columbia. After dinner, do they have a nice port? They might have a nice port or a sherry. A dessert wine. Actually, it's interesting. Portland just, I was outside the building, and listeners may or may not know that you're located in the American cement building, which is a little bit grandiose. Like it's the one.

Well, other buildings in America are built out of what? Wood? Sure. Steel to a lesser extent. But actually, when I looked at that, I was like, wait a minute. I thought – okay. If both of you had to guess, do you know the difference between concrete and cement? Do either of you know the difference?

One has rocks in it. It's – one has – one has pimentos. Well, this building, which is – it's called the cement – the American Cement Building. But according to cement.org, just look this up. Your source for all cement related. Sure. The cement.org, just look this up. Your source for all cement related. The nonprofit. Oh, they've got a cool video by Bros and Ink.

Yeah, they do. It's just shots of cement. Bop, bop, bop. Wop, wop, wop, wop, wop. So what is the difference between cement and concrete? Although the term cement and concrete often are used interchangeably. Cement is actually an ingredient in concrete. Concrete is a mixture of aggregates and paste.

The aggregates are sand and gravel or crushed stone. The paste is water and Portland cement. Portland with a lowercase p. Like that's how synonymous Portland is with your cements, that that's a type of cement. So cement is required

for concrete. This would more accurately be called the American Concrete Building. Huh. There you go. Tell your landlords to fuck off, Building. Huh. There you go. Tell your landlords to fuck off, Jesse. They misnamed the building.

You know what, Andy? That's exactly the kind of fun fact. It's not that fun. It makes it so fun to hang with Mr. Cooper. Andy, that last segment was so Raven. Was that so Raven a spinoff of Hanging with Mr. Cooper? Maybe it was. It might have been.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway. When you hang with Mr. Cooper, it's always a barrel of laughs. Would you say that the song Oakland Raiders by the Loonies was a spinoff of Hanging with Mr. Cooper? Sure. Same universe. Big dank, my friend. Big dank.

The Cooperverse? Yeah. Did Hanging with Mr. Cooper? Sure. Same universe. Big dank, my friend. Big dank. The Cooperverse? Yeah. Did Hanging with Mr. Cooper ever have any crossover episodes? It's called Cooper-tito. I think with That's So Raven. Really? Yeah.

Let's go to the intern on this. Is this canonical? He happens to be a professional producer. Okay. No, I'm saying the intern that doesn't exist that keeps track of the canons of things. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Anyway. I was not insulting you, Brian. I was a fictional intern. Brian's telling us right now. Hanging with – There was a crossover between Full House and Hanging with Mr. Cooper is what Brian reports back to us. Okay. Well, that's the kind of fun fact that makes it so fun.

For more fun facts, we'll hang with Mr. Fernandez. Brian Fernandez is our producer. Andy Wood, it's been a pleasure to have you on the program. Jordan Morris, me, Jesse Thorne on Jordan, Jesse, go. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of the band The Free Design, and their record label, Light in the Attic Records. You can call us at 206-984-4FUN.

You can email us at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. I urge you to visit MaximumFun.org and check out all the cool new podcasts. Can I highlight one that I enjoyed very much this week? Please do. I listened to the first two episodes of The Goose Down, which is our friend Jasper Redd and Kim Clark's podcast. And I laughed my tail off driving in the car. I think it is already – I mean, this is the first time they've ever done this. It is already spectacularly hilarious program.

I really strongly recommend it, as I do all our new programs. So you should check them out. A lot of talk about Song Exploder. Song Exploder has been very hot on the web. Very hot. A lot of good reaction to Song Exploder. Song Exploder has been very hot on the web. Very hot. A lot of good reaction to Song Exploder. Nice. You can review our show on iTunes.

Follow us on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is... At Jordan underscore Morris. And you can like us on Facebook. Just search for Jordan Jesse Go. We'll talk to you next time on this very program. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. We'll talk to you next time on this very program.