Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 309: Buttery Knucks with Dave Horwitz

Episode Date: January 20, 2014

Dave Horwitz joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of celebrity kids rapping, the female rap group The Northern State, and Jordan's theory about how men and women should smell. Plus, Dave gets the guys gifts and they all come up with a new slogan for 2014.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I gotta admit, I am getting ashy. My knuckles, I'm about to break through on my knuckles. It is dry here in Southern California. Oh, yeah.

You got to moisturize. Have you been moisturizing? Insufficiently. Yeah. I use some now. When I noticed the ashiness early today, I took some of my wife's ultra moisturizer. It has lanolin. Oh, okay.

Is this scented? Do you feel like you smell like? Lavender. Yeah. A little bit more than I'd like, but it did ultra moisturize me. Here's something that I – here's maybe something about me that's a little bit sexist. Okay. When you are like cohabitating with a romantic partner, in your case a wife.

Sure. In my case a transient. A donkey. I was going to say a transient that's just stopped through town. Sure. Needs a place to crash while the heat gets off. And you are like sharing products. Right.

I feel like it's a blow to my arousal when I feel like I smell the same as my romantic partner. Really? Like if we're sharing a shampoo or we're sharing a body wash, I'm like, this is a little less erotic. There's not a strain, you know, there's not a, you know, there's not a dichotomy between masculine and feminine scents. If my wife was sharing my body wash, seriously. And I know this just from walking down the street or down a lane on a college campus. That ax smell hits me and just.

Boom. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just. And I am off. Yeah. That's why you go to so many ATV races. Yeah, exactly.

Because all the dudes there. And you're not physically attracted to the sight of the axe wearer, just that. But luckily I am physically attracted to the ATVs. Sure. So, yeah, I feel like. Thank God for that. That's right. Oh, yeah.

Nice tight little tailpipes. Oh. Shove it in. But yeah, anyway. Anyways, I just think men and women should smell differently. And women shouldn't be paid as much. And they're not funny. I think.

Is that sexist? I'll tell you what. I bought some latte di corpo or potty milk from Santa Maria Novella. Sure. Which is like a- Santa's novel. You know when Santa wrote that novel? And he just, he insists it's not autobiographical, but it's about a fat guy who delivers toys to all the children of the world. Sure.

And he's like, no, it's a universal, it's about universal experience. This is like this store. There's a couple of them. There's one or two in London. There's one in like Milan or something like that. I think there may be one in New York and one in Los Angeles. I went to one when I was in London. And it's like this really beautiful store.

And it's so beautiful that you will pay any amount of money to buy one of the things they have on offer. Sure. So they will like you? The people in the store will like you? No, just so you can participate in the beauty. Oh, so the upkeep of the store. Yeah. Like, I hope this goes to cleaning your marble.

It's sort of like, it's a tiny store. At least the one that I went to in London is tiny. And the aesthetic is, the aesthetic is like, what if, it's a little bit like, the only thing I could compare it to would be Kiehl's. Have you ever been in a Kiehl's? No. It has a vaguely apothecary feeling. Okay. But much more beautiful. And everything comes in its own little perfect white box that looks like it could have been designed in the Belle Epoque.

And so I buy this stuff for my wife. And I think this stuff really – it might've cost me $50 for a little bottle of what is essentially moisturizer. Yeah. And, but when it smells so fucking amazing that I am so jealous of my, and I know that I can't just use it because she would notice if it was disappearing twice as fast or if I smelled like her special expensive cream. But I find myself wanting to steal it because it smells so lovely. And it is the most floral thing in the world. Why don't you just smell your wife?

Oh. Yeah, come on. You're married. It's not a sin to smell your wife. I'm not so sure about that, Jordan. Have you looked that up? I've asked the Pope about this. Really?

Yeah. You checked with Frank? Yeah. And he says it's a go? I don't know if you've heard, Jesse, but this is a super chill Pope. And he says it's okay to smell your wife. Is that what the Franciscan order is all about? Yeah.

It's not just about the blessing of the animals. It's about getting up in your wife and just... What about ATVs? Am I allowed to spell ATVs? No, those are tools of the devil. Our guest on this week's program is a noted comedy writer, a beloved past guest of this program. He's a handsome man. He's grown a beard within the last year.

Dave Horvitz, how are you, sir? Guys, it's great to be here. Thanks so much for having me. Dave, do you think men and women should smell differently? Absolutely. I've been stifling laughter thinking about olfactory boners nigh on ten minutes what do you think would you like to go back and add to any of those remarks

god they whizzed by me body spray a lot of feelings about that ATV stick your dick in a tailpipe it's nice and warm sometimes too warm you gotta wait you gotta let that puppy cool down yeah It's nice and warm. Sometimes too warm. You got to wait. You got to wait.

You got to let that puppy cool down. Yeah. So, Jordan, what do you think? Before you heat it up. Let me ask you this. What do you think a lady should smell like? You know, I don't have a list in my head. I just think that-

Vanilla? Vanilla. If you and a lady are together, if you're a unit, you should just have different smells. So it doesn't matter what the smells are? Not really. They could be. Just that they'd be different. One of your girlfriend could smell like castor oil.

And I could smell like a trout. Right. As long as it's different. That's a handsome couple. Yeah. Ooh, here comes casty and trout. The omega threes, as we call them. Yeah.

They're the good fats. That's call them. They're the good fats. That's what they call us. The good fats. That's the new Eddie Murphy movie where he plays all the characters. Yeah. So yeah, I just think that you know, if you're both sharing a shower for an extended period

there should just be two sets of shit in there. You should shit in the shower. Dave, how do you feel about this situation? Are you on board with this? Well, I got to say, this is a subject near and dear to my heart, and I can speak to it. I've recently moved in with my girlfriend. Hey. And one way we've completely circumvented this situation is-

She showers in the horse stall is she showers in the horse. She showers in the sink. Yeah. And I don't shower. I don't. Great. So you just have this unused shower. Yeah.

We have one shower. That's where I keep all my books. She showers in the sink. You still have all your textbooks from college. Yeah. Well, plus the Harry Potter books. Yeah. They were so expensive.

I'm not going to get rid of them. Right. Intro to independent cinema. The long essay on John Sayles' Lone Star. I'm not going to throw that out. You might need it. I'm not going to sell it on half.com. Give me a break.

What if that comes up on instant streaming and you want to brush up? Exactly. I'm not going to not read an essay before I see the movie. Am I an amateur? Yeah, that's just crazy. You've got to prep yourself for what, if I'm not mistaken, were incest themes. In I an amateur? Yeah, that's just crazy. You gotta prep yourself for what, if I'm not mistaken, were incest themes. In Lone Star? I haven't seen it in 11 years.

I don't think I've seen Lone Star since Lone Star was in the theater. Ooh, that's a long time ago. I think I did like it, though. I remember having, like, you know, Orange County, surprise, surprise, not a ton of independent cinemas out there. There was one about 45 minutes away. What about Lemley's Art House 14?

That's not in Orange County. Costa Mesa? Oh, yeah. Maybe that. I think that's popped up since I was in high school. And then you got the IFC Center in Orange, the city of Orange. But all those movie theaters, all those houses are just playing the film Orange County with Colin Hicks and Jack Black, right? They are, yeah.

Around the clock. I mean, some have commentary, some itanks and Jack Black. They are, yeah, around the clock. I mean, you know, some have commentary, some it's a director's cut. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Dubbed French version. Yep. Any version of Orange County. Knock off Russian version. Can I just say that I went to an NPR event and Colin Hanks is some sort of NPR ambassador.

Thank you, Colin Hanks. Very nice of him to do that. Thanks, Colin. Colin Hanks, very nice of him to do that. Thanks, Colin. And like the whole time, all I could think about was raising my hand and asking him, hey, remember how Chevy Chase was really pretty good in Orange County? And you were thinking to yourself, Chevy Chase should be in more stuff.

Yeah. And then you ate your words a couple years later when he was. Yeah. I would have wanted to raise my hand and ask him about his rapper brother. Yeah. Oh, he does have that rapper brother. He's got a rapper brother. Full brother or half brother? I don't know.

I think half brother. Yeah? Yeah. What's that rapper brother up to? I know he exists. What's the latest on that? I'm talking about Chet Hayes. Okay. Yeah. The latest I knew about Chet was he had challenged noted podcaster Jensen Karp to a rap battle.

He'd accept it and then he took it back. He said, never mind. Oh, yeah. You don't want any of that. I don't want to battle rap you. I'm terrible. Was it because of some previous comments? Was this just out of the blue?

Was he just challenging a random person who he knew had a platform? I think Mr. Karp had sort of taken it to task. Jensen had had a rap career. You know about this, right? I do, yes. I know that he was a secret character on NBA Jam. Okay, excellent. You got to know that.

Oh, yeah. That's a great fact. So, yeah, well, That's a great fact. So, yeah. Well, there's Chet Hayes. There's also Daniel Day-Lewis's son. No. Is a rapper. No.

Really? Yes. What does he do? He raps. It's like singing with less melody. Interesting. Interesting. It's like a rhythmic singing with less melody.

I can't picture it. Well, you know, just think of, imagine a shoemaker. Interesting. It's like a rhythmic singing with less melody. I can't picture it. Well, you know, just think of, imagine a shoemaker. Okay. Like a European shoemaker. Oh, okay. Here it is. But very graceful. Sure.

Yeah. Okay. And he's singing, but with less melody. Basically, imagine a rhyming cobbler. Or a rhyming pie, a rhyming – Sure, a tart. Okay, yeah, yeah. Buckle, yeah.

What is it about having a famous father that makes you want to be a white rapper? Do you think? You know what? Here's the thing. I'm going to posit this. Dave, I don't know how many years of age you are. I would never ask a gentleman his age. You can.

I'm going to tell you right now. You can ask me. Dave, how old are you? I'm 30 years young. Okay. So I'm 32 years of age. Jordan, you're one year younger than I. Sure.

Whoa. We got a nice lineup going on here. Yeah. Exactly. Brian Fernandez. We got 30. We got 31. You're not 29, are you?

God damn it. Okay. Way to fuck it up. Get us a 29-year-old in here to engineer this shit. Oh, man. Bring us a nice, subtle 29-year-old. How old's Lena Dunham? She's aging backwards.

She's got Benjamin Button disease. Yeah, but like quirky Benjamin Button disease. Right. I think if you- What if Benjamin Button had some cute rompers? When I was in high school and college- Lena Dunham is very talented. Please don't say I'm one of the people who slams Lena Dunham.

I'm not. I enjoy that show. It's a very good show. Do you think she should smell like her boyfriend? I think she's very talented, and I don't enjoy that show. Well, there you go. It really drives me up a wall, but really funny things happen on it any time I watch it. But not because of the nudity, which we feel is empowering. Sure.

Well, I think in the future I will really love something that she does. It's just not this. It's almost as if talking about Lita Dunham automatically puts us all on the defensive. Okay. So here we go. Are we all in the hot seat now? How did that happen? Oh, please don't write about us on Jezebel.

Here's what I think is I think that we at the ages because I know because I was a serious I was a committed hip hop fan starting from when I was 14 or whatever. And I think that in the time that I was in high school and college to be a white rapper was to be laughable. That was an embarrassing thing to be a ridiculous thing to be a white rapper was to be laughable that was an embarrassing thing to be a ridiculous thing to be and i knew i knew you know i had classmates who were rappers who were african american maybe one or two who were white and they were laughable it was a joke that they rapped and so they it was like a crucible that you had to go through if you were a white guy trying to rap. Were they of low – like was their skill set at rapping weak or was it just the mere fact that they were white? The mere fact that they were white.

So they might have even been good. It just didn't matter. Yeah. It was just as with Eminem in the hit film 8 Miles. Starring Michael Shannon as mean dad. They really had, you know, you either, even if you were an amazing white rapper like Eminem, you were still sort of like, eh, you still got the gimlet eye. You know what I'm talking about?

Still a little bit tough to get Brittany Murphy to fuck you. I think five or ten years down the line... Listen, please. Listen. I think you can just be Macklemore. Sure. I don't think anyone can be Macklemore. I mean, Macklemore's...

I don't think... Look, I'm not suggesting that you just start rapping and all of a sudden you're one of the most popular music artists in America. All of a sudden the sides of your head are shaved. Where did the rest of my hair go? Who put this fur coat on me? Macklemore had a lot of things going for him. He's a talented rapper, and he had that cute song.

Sure. He's a handsome guy. He's very handsome. Does some fun dances. He looks like Howard the Duck. Yeah. I made a side by Skies. I'll show you at the break.

Is that okay? They look exactly alike. I will say I saw that side by Skies. I'll show you at the break. Is that okay? They look exactly alike. I will say I saw that going around Tumblr. I'm like, it's a side by side of Macklemore and Howard the Duck. I'm like, who put this funny side by side together? That was a Dave Horowitz original, right? That's me, y'all. Was that your most famous tumble to date?

I don't know. I'm working on my white rapper theory. Okay. The internet's embarrassing. Continue, Jason. Yeah, it really is the worst. I really think that now, if you're a young person, if you're some white dude, you think you can just rap shamelessly. Look at the Gucci Gucci Prada Prada lady.

Oh, sure. I can't think of what her name is right now. Creation. Creation. She just rapped. She didn't have to go through three or four years of apologizing for herself. She made a couple of black friends, directed their music videos, and then decided she was a rapper and had no shame about it and got a huge big money deal.

Didn't she get a big money deal? She did get a big money deal. Well, that makes me sad then. So I think in my guess, I'm going to put my finger on a turning point, which is this rap group called Northern State. Do either of you guys remember Northern State? Okay. So Northern State- All white ladies, right? Was an all white lady rap group.

The Lady Beastie Boys. That presented themselves as the Lady Beastie Boys only with degrees from Sarah Lawrence or something. That sounds right. I'm using Sarah Lawrence as an example because my wife went to Sarah Lawrence. It's a lovely university. I don't mean anything rude about it. But they had private school liberal arts. Let's be honest.

They probably went to Sarah Lawrence. They probably did. Well, Daniel Day-Lewis' son goes to Sarah Lawrence. Give me a break. DDL. DDL Jr. Keep your son on a tighter leash, Daniel Day-Lewis. That's why I know about Daniel Day-Lewis' son because all of the Sarah Lawrence alumni who are my wife's friends from college who are all very wonderful are all very worried that it's going to ruin Sarah Lawrence's reputation forever.

Does he rap under the name DDXL? Because he should. He really should. So they were, they might have literally been, A, they were easily the worst thing that Questlove from the roots ever co-signed. By far. And he's co-signed many, many things over the years. He's,

they were by far the worst thing that he ever was. The Elvis Costello collaboration album. Oh, absolutely. Oh, 10 times. That one was rough. 10 times worse than the Elvis.

I've heard the songs from that and 10 times worse than that. And they were horrible. I mean, they were really the worst. They were real bad. I think that's the turning point because it gave people with no investment the idea like, it seems like rapping is just another form of talking. Hey, I used to like listening to urban music radio when I was 10.

You know what I mean? Wait, I just remembered. Before I got into Sigur Rós. If I'm not mistaken, I think one of the members of Northern State went by the name Hestapryn. I think. Is that true? Does that check out with you? That sounds right to me.

Hestapryn. That's a Crucible reference, right? Yeah. That's insane. Yeah. Why did they get a deal? Brian Fernandez is giving us a thumbs up on that from Northern State. I feel like one of them was named Carrie Nation or something like that and held a battle axe.

It was a real shit show. M-I-Z Darcy. Was that one of them? A. And it's not their fault. I'm trying to think of a Rosie the Riveter rap right now. It's not coming, though. It's not coming, guys.

I don't think it's their fault they got famous. I don't assume that it's their fault that they got famous. And they're probably nice ladies. I think they just told someone they knew the Beastie Boys and then they got a deal. But they were the worst rap group in the history of rap groups. And I think that now, 10 years after we were that age, there's no shame about it anymore. Yeah, I agreed. I think also rappers might be getting better.

Is that not true? They might be getting better. Well, I think rappers are – you mean in general? Yeah. Like maybe they're getting like a little more – like the subsets of – and also I have in no way qualified to speak about hip-hop music. I did listen to Danny Brown on the way over here, but that does not mean anything.

Everybody listens. I bet my dad listens to Danny Brown. He should. Dad, if you're listening, get Old. It's really good. Old by Danny Brown is great. I want my dad to listen to this, and then I want him to download Old and be like,

why did you make me listen to a bunch of songs about eating girls' pussies? It's terrible. I like this less than that awful podcast you were on. He has some songs about stealing copper out of half-built homes. That's true.

Being poor, but then growing up and being sophisticated enough to know that you have to eat a girl's pussy. Oh, yeah, you got it. God, I love Danny Brown. He's great.

Danny Brown's great. He's amazing. Have you ever interviewed him? No, I haven't. We've tried to book him. He's one of, basically, anyone who anyone has ever emailed me to say like, you know what rapper you should interview? La, la, la, la. I have tried to book them and failed.

There are a few examples. They're mostly white people. He's a slippery one though. Yeah. He'll show up sometime. Maybe. He'll probably up sometime. Maybe. He'll probably wind up like in a Spike Jonze movie. But you were working on this theory about how rappers are better now.

Yeah. He's the best and he sort of like jumps genres. So you're saying he's the greatest rapper of all time. Isn't he? Wait. No. That's LL Cool J. He's the goat, right?

We should explain that's who Jordan's living with. LL Cool J. A goat. Yeah, a greatest of all time rapper. I just think I should smell different from this goat. I don't like smelling the same as a goat. That I'm on your side about. Don't smell like a goat.

I use Whole Foods 365 Body Wash, and he smells like tin cans because that's what he likes to eat. But you don't smell constantly like what you like to eat, do you? I eat Whole Foods 365 Body Wash. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, you have a large problem. We should talk about it.

Sometimes I'll add a little like Lowry seasoning salt. Ooh. Just give it a little kick, but mostly I just squeeze it right into my mouth. Mm. Yeah. I think 10 or 15 years, rapper's ability to rap has been relatively stable. Okay. I would say since the mid to late 1990s.

I mean, you get more consistency, you know, less rappity rap, rap, rap. You know, by the end of the late 1990s, you couldn't really be a rappity rap, rap, rap, rapper. That's true. Yeah, I feel like – and let me just say right now. Whatever I – that theory, I'll abandon it immediately. I don't mean what I said. I don't have any way to back it up.

Your point is – And I'm just fine with it. You're saying stuff. That's what you got to do in a – Your point is you had to have Rakim. You had to have Tupac. You had to have Biggie. You had to have Eminem.

To get to Asher Roth. To get to Asher Roth. To get to Macklemore. Who do you guys think? Now, obviously, like, you know, Eminem was very important in, you know, making rap something a white person can do. And making dirty skits I didn't want my mom to know I was listening to. Right, exactly. I was listening to it. Right. Exactly.

So obviously I think the next place for hip hop to go or the next border that we need to break down is – Canada. Who's the most famous Canadian rapper? Buck 65. Is Drake – would you say Drake is a rapper? He did some rapping. Yeah. Drake is sort of a professional whiner.

Sure. Yeah. Is that a career? People – Drake's a – he's sort of a professional whiner. Sure, yeah. Is that a career? People – He's a man sweater. People really have been telling me I resemble him and I don't know how to feel about it. Well, he's very handsome. Yeah, he's a good looking guy.

I'd say handsome is probably one of his top qualities. Is he handsome? I think so. Yeah, yeah. That's a good one, Dave. He's got a cameo at the beginning of Anchorman. He's the first line in Anchorman 2. I was like, how did you get that?

The first time anyone – Handsomeness. They were just excited they met a black person. Now, it seems like the next border, the next barrier that hip-hop needs to break down is there needs to be a respectable son of a famous guy who makes it okay for other sons of famous guys. Sure. And daughters of famous people. Offspring of – yeah, famous offspring. So who is yeah yeah famous offspring so who is that gonna be who is gonna be the first who's gonna be that ronan ferro rosie the riveter little i think it's gonna be ronan ferro you think so i think he's

gonna do a full-length diss album about woody allen it's gonna be the it's gonna be and i honestly i'm not actually saying this is gonna to happen, but if he dedicated time to doing that, it would be phenomenal. I promise you it would be flawless. I don't even – That's the Horowitz promise? Look, I'm going to go on record. Hey, this is Dave Horowitz. I'm a grown man.

Dave's hand is on a Bible right now. My hand's in the air. It's an air Bible. I have two grown – I have three witnesses. If Ronan Farrow recorded a diss album against Woody Allen's reported heinous crimes, it would be fucking amazing.

You get the guy from Bon Iver to produce it. Grand Slam! Sure. It would win whatever. The Mercury Prize? That's for British music. Yeah. If he recorded it in the UK. I would win the Grammy for best world album. Yeah, I would win it for music.

If he could record it in Canada and win the Barenaked Lady, which is the Canadian prize for music. Oh, my God. Ronan Farrow won a lady. This is amazing. He won a BNL. On a scale of 1 to 10, how many Latin Grammys would it win? Five charos.

What if he did it? Okay, wait. So, okay. So, Ronan Farrow's my pick. Yeah. Who would your pick be? My pick is Lil Forte, the son of noted celebrity rap in Fortex. I thought you were going to say Will Forte.

I was like, I don't think he has a kid, but I thought you were like, look, if he ever had a kid, he'd be a great rapper. He should call himself Will Forte, too. Oh, man. If Will Forte ever had a kid that was rapping, that would be amazing. It would really be great. Because you wouldn't be able to tell. He would seem like he was just being earnest. Yeah.

Are you joking? He's really funny, but he'd be very committed to rapping. No wink. Yeah. Will Forte is not going to break it's- He'd be very committed. No wink. No wink. Yeah. He's not going to- Will Forte's not going to break in a sketch, guys. That doesn't happen. No.

He's a pro. And if he's talking, he's not going to be funny. No. He's just going to be a sincere, nice man. Yeah. He will not say anything funny in an interview situation. Under any circumstances. No.

Absolutely not. Just talk pleasantly about his latest project. Yeah. I love that guy so much. Yeah, he's amazing. I want him to know that I feel that way. No. Absolutely not. We'll just talk pleasantly about his latest project. Yeah. I love that guy so much. Yeah, he's amazing. I want him to know that I feel that way. Dude, Will Forte, if you're out there. We love you.

We love you so much. We love you. Okay. Nebraska's was wonderful. MacGruber is still your best movie. Jordan, what's your pick? Oh, for celebrity rap kid. Ice-T's son, I believe, is also a rapper.

Oh. Lil Ice. I met him when Ice-T came over. I mean, is – how much of Coco do you see in the kid? He introduces himself as Lil Ice. Really? Yeah. How little is Lil Ice?

Hi, I'm Lil Ice. I don't mean to be – 18 maybe? Oh, okay. That's a little. I guess I might be being fussy about this. But for this to work, for this barrier to really be destroyed. It can't be a rapper's child. Yeah.

Right? Even if it's a mega celebrity rapper like Rappin' Forte? Right. Yeah. That person we've all heard of? Yes. So you don't know who that is? I do know that.

But that's just because I know Jesse. I have no idea who that is. I still think you're talking about Will Forte. He's the man behind the hit song, Players Club. Man, isn't that an Outkast song? I don't know anything about that. That's Players Ball. Oh, I'm not dumb.

Outkast is reuniting. This is the whitest conversation that has ever taken place in the world. Who's your pick? Gosh, my pick. Okay, I'm trying to think of celebrity kids that I've seen and enjoyed. Oh, you know what? You know who I think it's going to be? I think it's going to be a lesser Olsen twin.

You know how there's all those Olsens out there? And they're more talented? Wait, there's other Olsens? I don't know. Elizabeth Olsen, then the other two, and then there's more? I think so, and I'm assuming that they're all rappers. There's more than two Olsons? Oh, Elizabeth Olson from the movie Mary, Marcy, Martha, Megan.

You know what I'm saying? Wait, that's an Olson that's not one of the Olsons? Mary Kate Ashley. I'm going to change it to it's either an Olson or a Culkin. A Culkin. I think it's going to be a Culkin. Rapping Rory? I mean Macaulay Culkin's already branching out into music.

He has that Velvet Underground pizza band. Which I support that. I thought about it for a while. Yeah, go for it. You know, what else are you going to fucking do? I didn't even check to see if there were samples to listen to. I just decided I was behind it. Well, yeah.

No, that's not something you should listen to. That's something you should know about. Now, have you listened to it? I have not listened behind it. Well, yeah. No, that's not something you should listen to. That's something you should know about. Now, have you listened to it? I have not listened to it. I'm just assuming that it's just Velvet Underground songs with pizza instead of certain words or like Lou Reed songs. I think so. We should explain Macaulay Culkin is fronting or in a Velvet Underground cover band where

all the songs are pizza themed. Yeah. So I think, you know, I'm sure he's got a kid out there. He sees his dad up there being musical, you know, making pizza jokes that everybody loves. And he's like, I want to do this, but for my generation. Yeah. What's my generation's Velvet Underground pizza band and its incredible hip hop career? So like would white, light, white, he'd be like white pie, no sauce?

White, light, white cheese is probably a little more obvious, Dave. White, light, white, white pie, white cheese. Yeah, think about it. We're talking about a mozzarella. We're talking about a burrata. I was so excited I couldn't even say it. So yeah, it's going to be a Culkin. But they don't have any kids yet, do they?

I think he's probably got some kids. Culkin's got some kids. What about like a- I bet they've got an impeccable flow. What if Anderson Cooper had a kid and he would be a rapper maybe? That's pretty good. I think maybe Cooper. That's a good guess.

Maybe Anderson Cooper. There's a pretty good chance that like a Paul Trow kid would be a rapper, unfortunately. Did Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have any children? That's a pretty good chance that like a like a paul tro kid would be a rapper unfortunately did susan sarandon and tim robbins have any children that's a good guess if no can we did do they i don't know if they did that kid would be a rapper you know what i'm changing it to bill macy and felicity huffman all right i just feel like with double the celebrity power sure increases your chances of success i mean your parents can already handle that rat Steve Huffman. All right. I just feel like with double the celebrity power. Sure. It increases your chances of success. I mean, your parents can already handle that rat-a-tat Aaron Sorkin dialogue.

Right. Which has a hip-hop musicality to it. Sure. But that's more like word jazz. Sure, you're right. I don't mean to compare it to such a street-level art form. We're jazzed about the state of cable news. Elizabeth Olsen is from Mad Men. You guys were pulling my leg.

No, that's the character Peggy Olsen played by Elizabeth Moss. Who was married to Fred Armisen who was on SNL which was once hosted by Kevin. R.I.P. I don't believe in it. Number one, I don't believe that this Olsen's really. You might as well just tell me that former Baltimore Orioles closer Greg Olsen. Is an Olsen twin? Yes.

He's the third Olsen triplet. He is? Yes. The Olsens have a varied skill set across their family. Fashion billionaires, talented actresses. Sure. Former sportsmen. Former curveball players.

Legendary curveball. Did he ever have trouble with the curve? I know that's something, but I don't know what it is. A Clint Eastwood baseball movie? Oh, yeah. I guess that's not really worth anything. No, no. That's something.

It is words. You were just saying words. It's words. You can't say it's not words. That's true. If I was saying it's not words, I'd be full of shit. That's why you bring in a day for. To say some words.

Audio words. Audio words is my... Can I plug my podcast? We'll be back in just a second. No, this is not the place for that. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective.

Dave Horowitz's generous uncle. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Jordan Jesse Goh, speaking of generous uncles, supported by Warby Parker, a new concept in eyewear. Dave, I can't help but notice that you're wearing a handsome pair of eyeglasses. Where'd you get those? Oh, thanks for noticing, Jesse. You know, I got a little bit older. My eyes aren't what they used to be.

Can't drive at night that well. Took myself over to warbyparker.com. Got some new specs. Dave is actually wearing the glasses, and they actually look great. Yeah, no, they're really good-looking glasses. At Warby Parker, those glasses really look nice on you. Is that Drake, or did Dave get some new Warby Parks? At Warby Parker, fashion-forward prescription glasses start at $95, including prescription lenses.

So here's what you can do. You can go to warbyparker.com. You can get five pairs of glasses sent to your house. You can try them on. You can do whatever you want to them. It doesn't say that here. I'm just presuming you can do that as long as you clean them up afterwards. And then you can pick out one that you like, send the rest back.

You don't have to worry about paying for the ones that you didn't like. Go to warbyparker.com slash JJGO and you'll get free three-day shipping. That's warbyparker.com slash JJGO. That's fun. You could have new glasses just like Dave Horwitz's in three days. Dave, what model

are yours? They're like a tortoise shell. I don't know what they're called, but you know what I do know? What? Lot of compliments. Oh, yeah? I bet. Oh, man. So many.

That's not just because you look so much like Drake. No. As far as I know, he doesn't wear spectacles, does he? No, he's in a wheelchair, Dave. Oh, no. I've only seen Degrassi. Okay. So you have no reason to think he's not always in a wheelchair?

Yeah. No. We are also headed to San Francisco Sketch Fest. Yes. February 8th, 1 p.m., Eureka Theater. Rob Corddry is our guest. Hello. Rob, hello.

Who's that? It's our guest. Oh, who are you? Rob Corddry, the creator of Children's Hospital? One of the funniest men in the world? What's that? You're also a handsome bald man? Oh, congratulations,

Rob. You're the best. 1 p.m. Eureka Theater. sfsketchfest.com. That's where you get your tickets, right? Yeah. Go to sfsketchfest.com. If you want the direct link so you don't have to mess around with their calendar, you can just go to our calendar at MaximumFun.org right on the homepage. There you go.

And I am also going to be hosting a tribute to our friend Mal Sharp along with Matt Besser and Matt Walsh of the Upright Citizens Brigade and James Richmuth of Casper Hauser on that Sunday afternoon, also at the Eureka Theater. That's going to be really cool. Besser was telling us he's going to pull out a few old Upright Citizens Brigade prank videos that he has. They did a lot of pranks that were very much inspired by Coil and Sharp that we're going to show, and he's going to talk about how Coil and Sharp inspired them. And it's just going to be really neat. It's going to be great.

This is something I've been wanting to do at SketchFest for many, many years. I'm really happy it's going to happen. So I hope that if you were in the San Francisco Bay Area, we will see you at those shows. If you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org, T-H-E-R-E-S-A. And if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, if you're just a listener who wants to share a message, cheap and easy for one episode, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron for further

information and to order your announcement. Great. Do it. End of this segment. Bye, guys. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan S. Ego. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dave Horowitz, generous uncle. Bravo. Well played. No notes. Can I make mention of something? Please. We still have tickets available for Can I make mention of something? Please. We still have tickets available for our show on a fucking battleship.

Yeah. We won't for long. You know why? Dana Gould's coming. Whoa. Awesome. We got Eliza Skinner. We got Dana Gould.

We have a battleship. A battleship? Yes. Next weekend, the 26th. Don't be a turkey. What the hell is this? Los Angeles, don't be a fucking turkey. Don't be one of these boneheaded lunk jaws. Wow.

That goes around like a dope with his head in the sky. Whoa. Missing out on golden opportunities. NSFW by the way. Brian, make sure to tag this podcast. Sexting pornos. Ooh. You know, eating tomatoes. Okay, don't get racial.

And missing out on podcast recordings in fucking battleships. Real battleships. Real battleships. Are you... Hold on. I gotta hop in.

Are you telling me that you got a show on a battleship and there's some fucking walking dildos outside walking the streets who might not come? You know what?

Right now, it's like we're human beings. We're holed up inside a battleship. And outside are a throng of walking dildos. Thank you. Who are banging on the doors asking to be let in. And what are you going to say when they do that?

It's a regular. Have you seen the show on AMC? Walking dildos? Yeah. I've seen the talk show after talking dildos. I'm going to tell you. Hosted by Chris Hardwick. That's who hosts those.

I'm going to tell you when that happens, I'm going to say the dildos, tough luck, fellas. You should have bought a ticket before. I know you've never been one to mince words, but this is. I'm the one in here with Dana Gould. Yeah. I'm the one in here with Eliz but this is. I'm the one in here with Dana Gould. Yeah. I'm the one in here with Eliza Skinner. I'm the one in here sharing laughs. I'm the one in here raising money for charity.

What charity? Come on. Swords to Plowshares. It's a veteran service organization. Well, I know that, but they don't. I'm talking about the dildos. I already promised. I feel like our Generations Network just happened.

That was Studio 60. Oh, I'm sorry. Our Generation Studio 60. I have already promised if this show sells out, I will personally donate $1,000 in addition to every single dollar of the ticket receipts to Swords to Plowshares. That's how seriously I feel about this. But we still have tickets available, so you have to go buy them. Buy them. They're affordable.

Come to the show. You can get a package deal where you get a tour of the battleship. Yeah. We even got you a discount on the tour of the battleship. And that money goes to charity, too. All of the money goes to charity. Don't be a walking dildo. Okay. Let's get serious about

something here. Yeah. It's 2014. It is. We need to deal with our slogan for the year. Hold on, Jesse. Before we do that, should we deal with presents? Oh, yeah. Somebody offered us presents. Dave? Guys, you know, I took

the red line here. I took public transportation. I got out and I found myself in the middle of a wonderland, a flea market, a swap meet, a Westlake Mall. I'm walking around and I'm thinking about you guys because I'm happy to be seeing you and recording. Why wouldn't you be? This is a big step up for you career-wise. Oh, this is a get. I was basically homeless before this.

Sure. I'm assuming this is going to be paid. I'll just find out later. And I had a poncho with me or a satchel, if you will. Are you a union? I can't be. Podcaster's guests union. I'm in the podcaster guild, PGA.

You'll get your green jacket after this show. I either joined the golf one or the podcast one. I don't know. Wait, is Lee Trevino at all the meetings? Yeah, he's the president. That's golf. Ah, shit. Ah, goddammit.

Now I've got to buy golf clubs. Lee Trevino is the Mark Barron of golf. Okay. So I'm thinking like, what do I know about these guys? You know. Next to nothing. What's popping out at me? Sure.

What's in my price range? And I got a couple of things. I feel like, and I don't want to be too optimistic. I feel like I fucking nailed it. Okay. Yeah. We'll be the judge of that. But I like your optimism. Yeah. I mean, your tone suggests to me that you nailed it. Okay. Yeah, we'll be the judge of that, but I like your optimism. Yeah, I mean, your tone suggests to me that you nailed it.

I think I nailed it. I mean, we'll have to see what the gifts are. Yeah. So, Jesse, of the two of you, I know you're more of the sporting type. You enjoy professional sports. Yeah, why wouldn't I? Especially professional sports of the 1990s. And why wouldn't I again? The best year for

professional sports, I think everyone agrees. A young Lee Trevino rose the ranks. So I got you a bobber. A Lil' Bobber. Thank you. So this is a collectible Lil' Bobber of Carl Malone.

It's a Carl Malone Lil' Bobber. This is a great Lil' Bobber. That is a great Bobber. You know, a lot of people have said to me that they were better when they were called Lil' Nodders. Yeah. Or when they were just called Tiny Bobbleheads. Yeah. I think that all that legal action really focused the company.

Yeah. And I don't – I think that all that legal action really focused the company. Yeah. I wouldn't think that the term bobblehead was copywritten, but it apparently is because now you have a Lil Bobber. It's like Q-tip or something like that. No one is going to – The brand name is the product. Yeah, exactly. We associate.

Like Kleenex. Yeah. Sure. And I really – can I also say one more thing about this? Yeah. I appreciate that you got me the Lil size. Yeah. I had an XL Bobber and I had nowhere to keep it.

I ended up just leaving it strapped to the roof of my car. Oh, no. Yeah. I think you might have just actually had Carl Malone on the hood of your car. You got to get him down, man. No, the XL bobbers, they yell a lot, and they have to take time off to do Rogaine commercials. Jesse, I think you actually may have been haunted by the ghost of the Big Bopper. Is he always saying, hello, baby?

Yeah. Oh, no. I wore Chantilly lace for seven years. All right. Now, I feel like that's home run number one. Yeah. To use a sports analogy. That is home run number one. Yeah. To use a sports analogy. That is home run number one. I mean until someone walks by and gives me a big nodder of Chris Mullen.

Once I get that John Starks. You know, for your sake, I hope that happens. For my sake, I hope that day never comes. If I get an inflatable John Starks one day, that's when we know. We'll get an inflatable John Starks one day. That's when we know. Jordan, if you recall, you tried to get me into video games a couple years ago. And I know you're yourself a gamer.

Sometimes you play – some of the games are violent. And a first-person shooter, if you will. I do enjoy a violent FPS. Yeah, so I felt like sometimes – Just finished Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon. That was a lot of fun. Oh, God. Blood Dragon. That's the best one fun. Oh, God. Blood Dragon. That's the best one.

You can download that on XBL. So what I got you was if you ever wanted to take that fantasy role-playing stuff into the real world – I do. I got you – I've been considering it. I got you a popular gun. This is a gun. It's a laser gun.

It is literally called popular gun it's for the fine folks at ingenious production here's some of the features yeah big sound built-in missile holder uh booper outermit just nonsense cock and fuhrer missile launcher This nonsense. Cock and Fure Missile Launcher. It's called Cock and Fure Missile Launcher? Cock and Fure. Cock, C-O-C-K, and F-U-R-E Missile Launcher. That might. Yeah. Hey, big sound.

Thanks, Ingenious Production. Now that's a popular gun. I think there's a slogan at the bottom, too, that I noticed. The pleasures are much many. I most like collecting all designs, music, and 32 lighting. That is a beautiful model. You know, go ahead, Jordan. Also, oh no, okay, I was going to say there's some graphics on the back that maybe look like they're for a different toy. Yep. Wait, what's the other toy? It's a slightly different gun.

It's not the one in the package. Big sound. It is a big sound. Dave, this is great. I am definitely going to live out some of my Blood Dragon fantasies in real life. Far Cry 3? Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon was kind of a mod for Far Cry. Like an expansion pack?

Kind of, yeah. This is like an expansion pack in your whole real life. This is great. The pleasures are much many. Okay, good. I'm glad. As long as they're much many. I think it's perfect that we just got such an amazing object lesson

in the power of copywriting. Yeah. Because it is time for us to choose. I just want to read you the nonsense word. Bupr, B-U-P-E-R, O-R-I-G-H-T-U-G-H-T. Bupr Outerout. Big sound. Home run.

A couple of home runs. Back-to-back home runs. It's time for us to select a slogan for 2014. Now, Dave, you don't know this, but every year we have a slogan. This year's slogan was immortal power, colon, plug it in. That's so good. Yeah. Well, no shit.

You don't have to fucking tell me, Dave. Hey, man, get on my back. You're being really aggressive to the guest, Jesse. I'm the host of the show, Dave. Hey, man, I like you. A lot. Well. Our interactions have been nothing but pleasant.

If you'd brought me that inflatable Starks I wanted. That didn't exist. He's hogging the ball, taking too many shots. That's what his move is. I'll conjure it later. Okay. So let's see what we got. We mentioned this on the Reddit.

And we got some, which is it? TV.reddit.com slash something slash something. Just Google MaxFunReddit. Just Google MaxFunReddit upskirt. Nip slip. Nip slip. Sl slash nip slip by the way atheism i think the i think it's fair to say that the big news on the max fun reddit this week is that is that the people from bros and ink stopped by to post some comments on the bros and ink thread and share some of their videos which are really funny they're super funny and they had some really funny comments to say about other people's comments that really brought home what fun

irreverent cool dudes they are stop by let's they will explain this to you later yeah they'll show you um so here we go let's talk about what we got this one's's from Zlensky. It's Get Up My Butt, which is something Jordan said, I believe. And possibly they want to sort of broaden the horizons. Maybe the human spirit, colon, get up my butt. That's a comma, actually, Jesse. Oh, is that a comma? Yeah, I'm sorry. It would be a grammar Nazi.

I'm sorry. I was editing it on the fly because I think it's better with a colon. That's fair. Here's one from IanFrog90. Oh, this is another. This is disparaging weakness, get up my butt. People like get up my butt. I don't think get up my butt has the majesty

we're looking for. I don't like it either. Yeah, it feels confrontational. Not the kind of confrontational we want. Hold on. David, can I just a quick... I want to ask of confrontational we want. Hold on. David, can I just a quick – I want to ask you something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. While we're picking a slogan. We want you to be a part of this.

OK. I think when we've done slogans in the past, the guest has always been pretty instrumental in helping us pick it I think. Are you picking it today? We're picking it today. This is it. This is going to be for a whole year. Do you have any like goals this year? Like what are you shooting for?

What was – do you want this year to be different than last year in any way? What's – I don't know. What are your general feelings going into the year? I think a general feeling that sort of washed over me is that it's important to sort of be comfortable in your own skin and kind of your place in life. to sort of be comfortable in your own skin and kind of your place in life. And I feel happy lately and I want to just – I feel like I want to be present in the moment as much as humanly possible. So would you say that your theme for 2014 is like something like – and I'm just spitballing.

Dave Horvitz, know your place. No, that sounds like a confrontational thing. Really? Yeah. Like know your place. Like you're saying like, hey, know your place. You're like a – No, it's me saying it to you.

Yeah, yeah. Like Dave, know your place. You're like a subordinate to me. Yeah. Because you're saying you're comfortable in your own skin. You're not speaking unless spoken to. Exactly. Like get under my boot? Like my jack boot? Yeah. You're not speaking unless spoken to. Exactly.

Like get under my boot? Like my jackboot? Yeah. Like is this like a Nazi thing? It's because I presume Horvitz is Jewish or – Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it was a defamation thing. I was trying to defame the Jewish people.

I mean this is going out. You can trying to defame the Jewish people. I mean, this is going out. You can listen to this. This is happening. Yeah. You know what? That's my slogan. My personal slogan is this is happening. Wow.

This, whatever this is. Dave Horwitz, 2014, this is happening. This is happening. No asterisk needed, but if there was under this, it would be whatever, anything. All this shit. All this shit. All this shit. All this shit. My job. My relationship.

My apartment. Any doggies I babysit. Any houses I sit. Trips I take. Dave, you are a popular pet sitter. Oh, I'm all over the place, man. I follow you on Tumblr and you're always nice about posting pictures of the pets you're sitting. Give me your dogs.

I'll take good care of them. Sure. I'll take them for a walk. I'll take them. I'll give them a little snuggle. You'll take pictures of a dog and cat trying to be friends. Oh, I've been. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I tried that. Didn't work. Yeah. It won't happen. They're too different. Sure. They have different priorities. Garfield.

Odie. Sworn enemies. Other examples. You don't need them. Nuff said. Nuff said. Nermal. Abu Dhabi. Other examples. You don't need them. Nuff said. Nuff said. Nermal, Abu Dhabi. RIP.

Wait, Nermal said Abu Dhabi? Garfield was always trying to mail Nermal to Abu Dhabi. I think he was successful eventually. Oh, yeah? Well, you don't see much of Nermal anymore, do you? That's true. You know what? I wasn't thinking Abu Dhabi.

I was thinking Abu Grave. Abu Grave. Nermal got sent to Abu Ghraib. The most tragic package mislabeling ever. Should we do some more potential stuff? That's why these people need a court hearing. Sure. Look at Normal.

Normal didn't get a visit from a lawyer. Normal's a citizen. They got to be held accountable for their war crimes. Sure. Normal didn't get a visit from a lawyer. Normal's a citizen. They got to be held accountable for their war crimes. He's a little gray cat. He didn't deserve that. No. And those photos are humiliating. He's just annoyingly cute, you know?

Is that a crime? I like fresh- Yes, in certain countries. I like fresh muttons always striking, never missing. And conquering all, sparing none is that one these are just these are different suggestions he also has toddling towards victory fuck that yeah i'm not sure that's i like that one's just trying to appeal to my status as a as a dad because there's a lot of toddling going on in your house right now here's the thing i like conquering all sparing

none i like That's good. I like that. I like the powerful, and I'm going to put in the maybe pile. My only concern is that this year for me is about looking over the horizon. It's about having a clear vision of the And true aim and only striking when necessary. So in the past, I've been like a beast of the land and now I'm like a beast of the sky. Like an air buffalo? Precisely. Now, actually, something happened to me that's kind of been sticking with me and I thought it it would be a good – maybe not a slogan, but a good just kind of a jumping off point. This could maybe start some discussion.

You guys have eaten at Irv's Burgers before, right? Now, Irv's Burgers has been discussed on this program. This is a famous burger restaurant in West Hollywood where a nice older woman takes your order and then when she gives it to you, she's drawn a little picture and written a little message on the paper plate. It's usually a picture of you. She makes a little doodle of your face. Yeah.

Or something that you've chatted about. Yeah. It's great. They closed down for a little bit. They were kind of rent hiked out of their space. But they got a new space. It's really lovely. Oh, they moved?

They did. Yeah, yeah. And in kind of a – yeah, they kind of – their old stand is gone, which is a shame. It was a charming old place. Their new place is nicer but a little less charming, a little more whitewashed but glad they're out there. Yeah. I went to the new spot. My doodle was a peace sign.

The message, victory 2014, USA and you. That's great. I mean, it's, you know. Did that have anything to do with what you chatted about? No, I think this is kind of just their general we're back slogan. Victory. Victory. I mean, but could it have something to do with the Olympics?

Yeah, it could have something to do with the Olympics. We should mention that you're on one of the bobsled teams at the Olympics. You're what's called a counterweight. Sure. I just hang out and read a magazine while the other guys are bobsledding. I don't do too much. I'm just there because I weigh the exact right amount. You're Doug E. Doug, right?

Yes. Now, I shared this picture. I shared this picture actually on the Jordan Jesse Go Facebook because we had just discussed Ervsburgers recently on the program. And someone pointed out with – you have two fingers up in a peace sign. And then if the other three fingers down are facing the person you're giving the peace sign to, that's a peace sign. The other way around, it's a fuck you. Oh, like a British, like a soccer hooligan would do this. Yeah, and that's the one she drew for you.

Oh, she was saying fuck you? Yeah. But maybe this is me. This is me in 2014 saying to all the other countries out there, right? Fuck you, other countries. I don't know. I mean it's maybe a little more jingoistic than I would like.

But I mean I think it's a good jumping off point. It's a nice sentiment. Right. I do really like that. You know Concrete Tales from our forum? Concrete Tales, regular on our forum, also posted on the Reddit. forum. Concrete Tales, regular on our forum, also posted on the Reddit.

He's been pushing, literally for years, this theme Quiet Desperation. What? Basically, his idea is that we're all dying. Oh, man. Well, that's not true, but go ahead. And that...

I mean, unless somebody cuts off my head in a duel. Oh, I'm a Highlander, by the way. There can be only one. I feel like we're going to breeze past that. And I just want to go and say I'm not okay with it. I know it's going to happen. I'm not okay with it. Continue.

And so he wants to make it quiet desperation. And then these other people checked in. And they're getting involved in this whole quiet desperation theme. The point of having a theme to your year is to give yourself focus and vision for the future. Something to turn to when obstacles get in your way. Wild Gunman has. We're all doomed. 2014 going down the drain.

Come on, guys. doomed 2014 going down the drain. Come on, guys. Just because, look, I have my dream job. I have a beautiful wife and two beautiful children. I recently purchased a home and a station wagon and a high-end smoker griller. What? Wow.

What else do you need? Earlier today, I ground my own meat. Obviously, I'm living the dream. Okay? In all aspects. I'm at my sexual peak. I forgot to mention that. You grew a beard. Your mustache is killer.

Yeah. So, here's the thing. All of that having been said, I understand that there may be things going wrong in your life. Something's wrong in your World of Warcraft guild. Sure. Your shoes keep coming untied because you do a granny knot instead of a proper knot. You're talking to the audience here. Yeah. Okay. No, this obviously doesn't apply to you guys. Just the two of a proper knot. You're talking to the audience here. Yeah. Okay.

No, this obviously doesn't apply to you guys. Just the two of you. No. We would never play World of Warcraft or wear shoes with laces. Your favorite Presidents of the United States of America t-shirt finally has too many holes to wear. Oh, man. Shit could be falling apart for you.

Not Lump Tour 97. The audience member. Oh, Lump Tour was a great tour. It was a good tour. It was a great tour. They were still playing some old stuff in there, too. For the POTUSs. Yeah.

Your pickup basketball team won't call you by your chosen nickname, Roscoe. But that doesn't mean that your theme, the whole point of this program and the theme is that we inspire you to be the best you you can be. Get a promotion from clerk to senior clerk. You know what I mean? Fuck someone of another race. These are the kinds of things – of another race. These are the kinds of things These are the kinds of things

that you can achieve if you have the right slogan. But if your slogan is quiet desperation, you're never going to achieve any of this. You're just going to go back to your stepdad's house.

Stepdad's basement. Please. Yeah. And this is after that time when it flooded when you were asleep. Yeah. In it. after that time when it flooded when you were asleep. Yeah. In it.

You had to throw out your couch. It technically wasn't even your couch. Technically it was your aunt's couch. Your aunt's couch that she didn't want anymore. She said it was on long-term loan. So now you're $600 in debt to your aunt. Remember she said, don't light this one on fire. And then like rolled her eyes like, yeah, yeah, we get it.

I'm a screw up. I get it. Thank you. Can I – I have another maybe jumping off point for us. We've had a lot of success with animal imagery in the past. We had Going Ape one year. What else have we had? Nothing else. That's it. Just The Ape. I think we all enjoyed The Ape. Yeah, sure. we had a going ape one year what else have we had nothing else

that's it just the ape well I think we all enjoyed the ape yeah sure so I maybe want to suggest another animal yeah

no we are coming at this from different places I wouldn't Dave's Jewish Dave's Jewish so they have a whole different set of animals over there

you know you got the golem I do not stand by this theme no let's not let's not run with this any further You've got a different set of animals over there. You know. You've got the golem. I do not stand by this theme. No, let's not run with this any further. Guys, I'm not practicing. It's just my personality, my looks, and my chosen field. You're Drake-like good looks.

I would not call my 2013 a huge success of a year. I had a lot of no's. I had a lot of no's in 2013. A lot of impressive no's. You would be really surprised if you guys knew some of the amazing high rollers who said no to me last year. Would you say that you drive

a Scion XB? Is that a station wagon or is it just a hatchback? It's not. It's a future car. It's a boxy car. I don't even know what you would call it. It's not a station wagon.

It's a future sex love car. That's true. That's a good point. I have had several sex in the car. Yeah. How many sexes? Two sex. Ooh.

Better than one. Did you put the seats down in the back so that it was flat or did you just go to town right there? I mean, you know, we tried all the seat configurations. That roof rack got stolen. Oh, man. That sucks. It's okay. You know, I kind of didn't want to.

I bought the Scion from a guy who had a roof rack. I never used it. I'm not going mountain biking, guys. Some ski bum. And I was thinking to myself, I should take this roof rack off. This is silly. And then I parked in a Korea town to go to a friend's house. When I came out, mountain biking, guys. Some ski bum. And I was thinking to myself, I should take this roof rack off. This is silly. And then I parked in Koreatown to go to a friend's house.

When I came out, roof rack was gone. It's Koreans for you. There you go. They love outdoor sports. They love mountain biking. Theft. Yeah. I was not saying it was from Koreatown because I wanted to defame Koreans.

I was just giving a detail for the story. Right. But I do not like Koreans. So you're pitching your slogan as 2014, I hate Koreans? Yeah. Do you guys – are you guys OK with that? Brian, can you print up the t-shirts? I don't think we can put that on a t-shirt. You're going to have to say 2014, I hate kimchi.

What about IHK? And let that sit in as code. Sure. So, I mean, I think I learned a lot. Can I mention? Yeah. By the way, 2013, the year I learned to love kimchi. Congratulations. I was fine with,

I didn't hate kimchi before, but now you're all about it. I'm all about kimchi. You're just dumping it on everything. I used to think it was weird that my mom was really into kimchi, but now I'm all about it. I wasn't even familiar with it. I lived in Koreatown for a while. Boom, kimchi everywhere. Yeah.

It's up my nose. It's everywhere. I got it out the ass. You say it's up my nuts. I was going to say up my nose because it's pungent, but I bailed on it and then you kind of – I like up my nuts. It is very pungent. I don't hate 2014.

Up my nuts. Up my nuts. I don't hate 2014. Up my nuts. Up my nuts. I feel like I had to really tell myself a lot. Part of achieving a goal, part of achieving a dream is trying and failing. It's as much a part of the process as doing the work and getting educated and honing your craft. Just disappointments are part of it.

They're part of the road. And as much as they hurt sometimes, let it squash me but just accept it as part of the journey. Something – go ahead. Something semi-erect but not visibly erect. Yeah. Yeah. 2014, half chub. What do you think about this? 2014, coiled like a viper.

Oh, wow. Like poised to strike. Poised to strike. You're not striking. You're poised. You're ready. When it comes, when the time to strike comes, you're ready. You're not, you know, you're not some sort of iguana sunning himself on

a rock. No. You're a viper, powerful, poisonous. You're coiled. You're ready. You're deadly. You have enough poison to kill an elephant inside you. But you choose not to use it or you're ready to at any moment? Oh, you're ready to. You're coiled. And you will do it. Yeah.

Let me posit this. I live in Mount Washington, the northeastern most part of Los Angeles. It's mountainous terrain. There's wildlife everywhere. Coyotes. Rentable Bentleys. I lately I've been noticing certain birds.

Now I'm no birder. Okay. I don't have monocular optics much less binocular optics. I'm using what God gave me to take note of these birds.

Your peepers. The Lord's peepers. And I've been looking up to the sky lately, as is my want, both physically. Cursing God. Middle finger to the clouds. I've been seeing a lot of mighty raptors. Talking about hawks. Sure.

Probably eagles. Osprey? Almost certainly Osprey. I mean offspring. Do you want to go to an offspring concert? Well, we got to keep the offspring and the Osprey separated. Got to keep them separated. Got to keep them separated. Got to keep them separated.

Because Dexter Holland's my uncle. And I'm going to have dinner with him after this. Send him our best. Okay. Let him know we're very excited about the new album whenever that comes. It's probably going to be good. I've been noting the majestic flight of the raptor. I've been noting its outstretched wings, its distinctive markings, its deadly talons.

Okay? Then, not long ago, I was sent an article by a listener. Actually, two different listeners sent me this article. article by a listener. Actually, two different listeners sent me this article. Jordan, if you were going to say right now, what animal does Jesse hate the most, what would it be? Well, God's not an animal. We know that you curse him.

Right. Regularly. Sure. As is your want. Yeah. Which seems ungrateful to me, but that's your deal. That's your journey. You got to figure that out. But I mean, I think it's the crow. Yeah. Yeah. Which seems ungrateful to me, but that's your deal. That's your journey. You got to figure that out.

But I mean, I think it's the crow. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're loud. Hawks eat crows. Mm-hmm. They catch them and eat them. Mm-hmm.

So here's my, what I'm thinking. And again, this goes back to my themes for 2014, which are about assuming my power, living inside my power. Making an ass out of you and me. And our power. Living inside this beautiful power that I have inside of myself, high up in the sky. I feel like I want to be above everything. I feel like i want to be above everything i feel like i want to be deadly i want to have that deadly potential but mostly what i'm doing is i'm feeling myself supported by the universe and looking into the future seeing four moves ahead of any fucking crow that gets in my way.

Sure. Which is why I am suggesting for 2014, 2014, the flight of the raptor. Mm. I like it. I like it. Caw, caw, caw. Are you, uh. And you can say that.

After you say the flight of the raptor, you say that you do the sound of the raptor, which goes, caw, caw, caw, caw. Is that a hawk noise? Yeah, it's the sound a raptor makes. I'm a little – A deadly bird. I'm a little – now, I don't know much about birds. Are hawks called raptors? Are they classified as raptors?

They are. Hawks are deadly. It's any bird of prey, I think. Any bird that, you know. Is that like a genus? Here's a good, again, I'm not a bird. Am I dumb? I think I just realized I was dumb.

No, no. Dave, I'm not a birder. You know about outcasts? Are you a nerf herder? I'm no, I'm neither. I try to live my life by Benjamin Franklin's dictum, neither a birder nor a nerf herder. That's the slogan. Neither a birder nor a nerf herder.

Sorry. No, no Star Wars shit, Dave. I'm at the band. Okay. Yeah, that's fine. I'm no birder, but I know that if you look up in the sky, listen for this sound, and you'll know it's a raptor. Caw, caw, caw. Okay, and you can also use that sound if you can reproduce it.

I don't know if you can reproduce it. You can call raptors to you to do your deadly work. Caw, caw, caw. I like that, but a little more majestic. You can work on it at home, Dave. It doesn't have to be perfect. Nobody's Raptor call is perfect the first time. If I get it right, I'll send you an MP3.

Put it on SoundCloud. It's got to be 256 or better. Okay. 320 is better. Can you send me a flack? Okay, I'll trade you a couple bitcoins for it. Can you just actually send me an MP3

of a song by Nerf Herder? Yes, I'll send you their hit single. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song. Oh, I would say Van Halen. Okay. That is probably the most popular Nerf Herder song. It references a bunch of Van Halen songs. Sure. Coiled like a viper. What about this?

What? Oh. 2014. The flight coiled like a viper what about this what oh 2014 the flight of the raptor the sting of the asp and then you know I mean obviously a big part of the slogans is the art

that surrounds it the artistic interpretations you can have an asp riding a raptor or an asp in have an asp riding a raptor. Or an asp in the talons of a raptor. Sure. But not like it even captured.

They're on the same team. Like the raptor was helping him make a journey. He's not going to eat him until later. But his back's turned and his kids are watching. So the flight of the raptor, the sting. Semi-colon. The sting. Semi-colon. The sting. The sting of the asp.

And when we do the pictures, do we show the asp's stinger? Yes. It's on his tail. The flight of the raptor. The sting of the asp. Guys, I will freely admit Dave, you're a professional writer. I am very hot right now.

So it could be that partially but also You think you're blinded by buzz? It could be blinded by buzz but that's great. Like that's real that's seriously good. Guys, I'm going to

I'm going to pull the trigger on popular gun to signify that we've got it. Is this it? Are we good with this, I'm going to pull the trigger on popular good to signify that we've got it. Is this it? Are we good with this? I'm happy with it. Wait.

Maybe say it. The flight of the raptor. The sting of the asp. Yeah! Big sound. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Carrie Poppy. I'm Keri Poppy. I'm Ross Blotcher.

And we make a show. Oh no, Ross and Keri. Oh no. We investigate fringe science. Spirituality. Religious groups. Alternative therapies. We put ourselves through a lot of uncomfortable situations.

So that you don't have to. Because really, why would you? For example, I watched a tube be inserted into Ross's anus. That's true, but it sounds terrible out of context. We've tried penis and breast enlargement pills. We spent six months undercover becoming Mormons. We hung out with the 9-11 truthers. The UFO cult, the Raelians.

And we're going to do more. It's one of the newest shows on MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Dave Horwitz, generous uncle. Not going to lie to you guys. My knuckles are so itchy right now. I should not itch my knuckles because here's what happened is I put this cream on there.

This is good cream. It's got lanolin. Yeah, yeah. But then I- I think you maybe misread the label. Are you just putting Lando Lakes on it? Yeah. Do you got putting Lando Lakes on it? Yeah. Do you have buttery nooks? Buddy, let me smell those nooks.

Write down buttery nooks. Y'all want to get up in these nooks? Oh, man, that's fun. That is fun. What happened is I was grinding some meat. And my KitchenAid stand mixer has a meat grinding attachment. I'm very successful. Yeah.

I don't know if I mentioned that on the program. You mentioned it. But I got a meat grinding attachment. And so I was grinding some meat for burgers for the football game. Are you talking beef? I'm talking beef. But you know what? I threw in a little bit of bacon for flavor.

That's nice. Because you can do that if you have your own grinder. You can do that if everything's going well in your life. And check it out. I mixed. Jesse, now hold on. I got grinder the other day. All I've gotten is blowjobs and crackers. I'm not complaining. You've gotten no shortage

of beef from grinder. That's true. I have not gotten burger one from grinder, but I have gotten a serious pounding. A lot of poundings. Which have been great. Oh, yeah. No complaints. Except for, I'm starving! I call

customer service. They don't have a number. You guys should get a KitchenAid stand mixer if you really want grade A beefcake. Sure. Or just rent G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra. Am I right? Rise of Sting of the Ass.

I'd rather have G.I. Rise of the Ass. Yeah. Okay. When something momentous happens to you. So what happened is I handled raw meat. I had to wash my hands. I washed it right off. I can't walk around with a sheep to rub my hand in its wool

to gather its lanolin. Oh. No one expects you to. Well, look, I'm they're red. They're irritating. Are you blaming the irritation on the lanolin? No, the insufficient lanolin. Oh, dude, you gotta get

more lanolin. I know. I needs that wool fat. Send your wool fat to JJGo at P.O. Box 420 Bros. 6969. 69. Chill out, Iowa. Chill out, Iowa. We're our P.O. Boxes in chill out, Iowa.

The United States of buddy. Someone, by the way. Someone, by the way. R.I.O. boxes and chill out in Iowa. The United States of buddy. Someone, by the way, sent me an email, expect a package coming up soon. And I was like, okay, what's going to be in this package? I got an overnighted package. Was it an email or a DM on Grindr? this this gentleman this gentleman made up in like two days he made up his own version of cards against humanity that's exclusively composed of jordan jesse go things wow whoa and then he had them printed he knew that our show is a timely show. He knew he only had a couple days until it was time to run this thing for real.

So he had everything printed out and fucking professional style. But here's the thing. I don't want that. The only complication is I don't want that shit Should we give it away as a prize? I'd like to see it But yeah, I think that'd be a great prize Maybe why don't we take it to one of our live shows?

Let's take it to the battleship There you go Let's take it to the ship Maybe you could If you donate an extra amount You guys could play it with a fan For a donation of $5,000 or more I like that

Let's take back our I'll do it for 5K. Yeah, 5K. I'll play that. Yeah. And not just you enter a 5K with us. That's not what we mean. No, there's no fun runs happening. That does sound like a fun run.

That does sound like a fun run. Like if it was a turkey gobble the morning of Thanksgiving, it does sound fun. When something momentous happens to you, the listener, we ask that you call us and share it with us for our signature segment, Momentous Occasions. Our telephone

number is 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. For those of you who can't spell fun, let's take our first call. Be walking dildos. Hi, Jordan Gacica. This is Lance from Nashville with a momentous occasion. I was just at the county clerk's office getting my car renewed,

and in front of me was a man with the most affectations I believe I have ever seen on a human being. He was a white guy, maybe in his early 50s, with a braided ponytail, a beret or possible Kangol hat, a leather jacket with a handcuff keeping up one of his sleeves, and a black kilt. Also, when I was leaving, I realized that I had seen the guy earlier in the week hanging up banners outside of the Scientology Center. This guy has the vision, the focus to be a more powerful force in his own life. Sure.

Do you think it's possible that this is just that guy, Curtis, what's his name, who founded the Guardian Angels? I don't know, but there's no way that guy wasn't on his way to a fuck party. Yeah, right? All of the, all of the his way to a fuck party. Yeah, right? All of the- Everything points to fuck party. That was fuck party bingo. The whole fucking board is lit up. Boom.

Marker. Soft marker. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Braided pony. Kangol. What was it? Handcuff holding up sleeve. That by itself is fuck party central.

Give me a break. Chilt is for easy access, right? Mm-hmm. To the genitals. Guys. Yeah. Do I have to spell it out for you? G-E-N.

To the genitals. G-E-N. I-T-A-L-S. Next call, please. What's that spell? I doubt this will make it on the show. Can you pause it for a second? By the way, you wanted spells.

Somehow we both ended up doing an impression of spelling Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that spell? What's that spell? Terrible. Okay, play that. I'm spelling Jerry. Play that call again.

Told you. I doubt this will make it on the show, but Jesse, you're the only one who will understand. I have a six-month-old son. Jesse, you're the only one who will understand. I have a six-month-old son. I just walked in to check on him, and I found that he had taken off his diaper, and he had peed and pooped all over himself,

but he was still smiling. And I find that to be a very momentous occasion. Thanks, guys. Peed and pooped. Peed and pooped. You've done that, right? You understand. Yeah.

Sure. I'll take off my diety. I'm not the only guy who's pulled off his diety, pissing gin on himself, and then... I get it. I don't know why... He's been happy as a pig in slop. He's pretty universal. Yeah, I'm sure Kevin Allison's done this once or twice.

Sure. I thought he was going to say that the kid had taken off his didey and peed and pooped perfectly on the didey. That would have been romantic. That would be impressive. The kid's like circus shit. The kid's like, I don't want to wear this anymore, but I know how to use it. I understand what it's for. I'm not disgusting dad.

Yeah. Just leave diapers on the ground around the house. And when I need to go, let me walk around bottomless. Dad, I got to breathe. Yeah. Easy access. Yeah, I got to have easy access. Got to get a child's kilt.

Remember that popular internet phenomenon known as planking? Mm-hmm. So my son, we leave him to go to sleep by himself. Mm-hmm. son, we leave him to go to sleep by himself. And he goes to sleep. He goes to sleep eventually. But he's figured out how to turn the lights on and off in his room. So he'll turn the lights on. And little children, they don't put themselves to sleep. They just go until they're done being awake and then they're asleep. Right. And the other day I walked in on him and he was he has a bed and it's maybe six inches off the ground and he was his head was on his pillow but he was perpendicular

to his bed straight as a plank so he had maybe a foot of his body maybe 10 inches of his body, maybe 10 inches of his body on the bed. The rest of it was straight out toward the ground, like at a 30 degree angle. Suspended? And then you walked over and he handed you a Smirnoff ice, which you chugged. I think that like literally what happened is maybe at some point he thought he either he saw something in his bed or he decided to go to bed. He was walking in his bed or he decided to go to bed. He was walking towards his bed. His brain stopped working. Functions shut down.

And he just tilted over like a giant redwood that had just been chopped down. And just when he hit the pillow, boom, that's where he stopped. Done being awake. Children are amazing creatures. Next call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guests.

This is Josh calling from Tallahassee. Not sure if this is a momentous occasion or a moment of shame. Earlier today I was driving in my car, listening to your recent episode with Andy Wood, and almost died. Went through a green light, some asshole moving in the other direction decided he should go through a red light,

slammed away brakes, came very close to smashing into this very large van, which presumably would have been the end of me um life didn't flash before my eyes as they say instead i was thinking about what if the podcast was still playing and the emergency crews came and they were like oh shit what's this guy listening to something about girls in hot dog stands uniforms and they thought i was like a big pedophile or something. And then I felt better because you changed the subject to the cost of teeth. Anyway, you decide. Great show.

No problem. Have a great day. I think we know this guy's a mid-level pedophile at best. Yeah. There's a more pressing issue, guys. Yeah. I feel like this is a Beetlejuice situation. I think that car hit him.

Oh. He doesn't know he's dead. He's calling us from the waiting room. Yeah, yes. He's sitting next to the legs with the... Yeah, yeah. And kind of a racist witch doctor is also there. Mm-hmm.

Can I suggest something? Waiting for Michael Keaton to show up, like we all are. Yeah. I think someone might have realized he was listening to Jordan Jesse go, and that's why there was a price on his head. You know who I think almost hit him?

Joe Rogan. Rogan's been gunning for us. You guys have beef with rogues? Joe Rogan wants to be stars like we are. Yeah. I mean, I think what Rogan is doing is he's systematically eliminating every podcast that is much, much, much, much less popular than his. Yeah. To rub it in.

Yeah. But then if there's no one on the bottom, how's he going to sit on the top? It's true. What's a king without serfs? What's a – who's going to work his land? Sure. His pod land, which is what we're doing right now. I was trying to quote a Kanye song.

I couldn't do it. See? I'm not qualified to speak about hip hop. What's a – I'm not qualified to speak about hip-hop. What's a... I'm an idiot. You're actually a pretty talented rapper. Do you have any famous parents? Because you might have just answered our question from earlier.

Well, my dad works for the FDIC, and he's a star in my mind. Well, there you go. The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation. Without that, all of our bank deposits would be in question at all times. That guy's a superstar. Oh, my God. We could have another Great Depression without your dad. Am I the next celebrity rapper?

I'm talking about personal bank deposits being wiped out. $100,000. $200,000 now? Keep it hyped up. More, more, more. $300,000? Yeah, let's go to $300,000. $300,000 in guarantees for our personal bank deposits. thousand now keep hyped up more and more more 300 yeah let's go to three three hundred thousand

dollars in guarantees for our personal bank deposits he's got everything he's got the looks of drake the fiduciary sense of odette yustman he's got it all my dad is making sure that banks aren't discriminating when they give out loans. So if you want to step to this shit. What's that, bitch? You want a red line in my neighborhood? Hell yeah. No. I can't remember whether red lining is good or bad.

Well, red lighting is bad. Yeah, it is. Like that guy. It makes you look bad. It makes you look kind of puffy. Bad for your complexion. You want a little bit of warmth in the. Oh, sure.

You don't just want a hard white. If you're all red lighting, you're going to turn into the film Only God Forgives starring Ryan Gosling. I mean. No one wants that. I mean, that movie, someone gaffed the shit out of that. It was not acted or written worth a damn. Shit got gaffed. You just got gaffed.

If I was a gaffer, that's what I would do. You'd plug something into something. That's the final shot of the film is the gaffer pointing into the camera. You just got gaffed. Boom. You got gaffed. And it's the guy from the clerk's office with the ponytail and the kilt. You got gaffed.

Oh, you know that guy's a gaffer. Oh, hell yeah. And that's how you perform a herald. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you. What up, dawg? It's your boy Jasper Red, co-host of The Goose Down, along with Kimberly Clark. And some of y'all might be asking yourself, what the hell is The Goose Down? It's a comforted food, and we want y'all to climb underneath it with us

and snuggle up so we can find your ears and things. So come check us out at Maximalfun.org. Also available on iTunes. Jill! It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio's radio. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dave Horwitz, generous uncle.

Love you guys. Dave, we love you too. It's really been a pleasure to have you on the program. If people want to follow your work into the future, what's the best way to do that? Way too much social media. If you want to follow me, Dave underscore Horwitz at Twitter, that's H-O-R-W-I-T-Z. The Idiot King,

that's my Tumblr. That's my Instagram. Look for me on Facebook. I may not accept. There's a screening process. Depends on how many mutual friends you have. Yeah.

Can people, but people could just follow you on Facebook. I don't know if I've set that up. Yeah, I don't know if I have either. Yeah, I might have to look it up. By the way, if you want to be my friend on Facebook. I don't know if I've set that up. Yeah, I don't know if I have either.

Yeah, I might have to look it up. By the way, if you want to be my friend on Facebook, I will not approve you. Me personally? Yes. If he was looking right at you. He was. No, if somebody asked to be my friend on Facebook, I can't just have everyone be my friend. You can just follow me.

Yeah. Like me. How about that? There you go. Yeah. Like me. How about that? There you go. And if you guys enjoy mid-season sitcomery.

Yeah. Which some of you do. We've talked often on this show about how those are our favorite sitcoms. I've been watching Enlisted. Good. That's a mid-season sitcom. Yeah. If you want a little more of that, ABC, the American Broadcasting Corporation, has a show.

Oh, that's prestigious. They have a show coming out on exactly ABC, the American Broadcasting Corporation, has a show. Oh, that's prestigious. They have a show coming out on exactly Wednesday, February 26th. It's coming up. It's called Mixology

and I'll give you a quick little snippet. Would love to hear the snip. One night, one bar, 13 episodes. It's like 24

or lost in a bar. A lot of flashbacks. People will meet. People will fall in love. People will fall out of love. Now, Dave, have you worked on this show or is this just a show you're anticipating? No, I just saw a poster for it. I thought it looked cool.

High concept. I wikied it and I just wrote a bunch of stuff about it down. I was a staff writer on it with my partner, Marissa Pinson. An episode bears my name. So check it out if you're feeling frisky. And we should look out for the episode entitled Dave Horowitz. Entitled Boners at the ATV Show. Inspired by this episode.

Yeah, I wrote it in the future. Southern California, Northern California, neither of you are off the hook. Buy your tickets now for Jordan Jesse Go Live. Don't be a dope. You know what I mean? Don't be. If you're walking around, dildo, do the old clickety-click.

Get yourself in business. Clickety-click, get some tickety-ticks. Yeah. Get on that battleship, y'all. Just remember, Flight of the Raptor. Sting of the asp. Semi-colon. Semi-colon. Sting of the Asp. Semicolon. Semicolon.

Sting of the Asp. Ah! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Woo-woo-woo! Our producer, Brian Fernandez. Wait, keep making noises.

Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. and Light in the Attic Records. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.