Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 310: Live on a Battleship with Dana Gould and Eliza Skinner

Episode Date: January 27, 2014

Recorded live on the USS Iowa, Dana Gould and Eliza Skinner join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Disney Cruises, the movie Labor Day, and a quiz game.  

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. This week's Jordan Jesse Go was recorded live on the USS Iowa in the port of Los Angeles in San Pedro, California, with special guests Eliza Skinner and Dana Gould. Anybody who's listening at home, we're actually literally on a battleship. On a battleship. Clap if you're on a battleship. We've been claiming that we were

going to do a show on a battleship for months, and I don't think I believed it when we were saying it, but we are really sitting in the officer's mess of the USS Iowa. The idea did come up when we were on lewds. So I can see how maybe... It's one of those lewd fantasies. I have some of my best ideas on lewds. It's true.

I just kind of slow my mind down a little bit. You know what I mean? You know, I think I'm a little bit worried. I know we've only been here a couple hours, though. I'm a little worried

I have sea madness. Really? Yeah, I mean, we've all, you know, we've been here maybe two hours

and the ship's, you know, docked. We're not, I guess we're not at sea. And, you know, we're like 10 minutes away

from a TGI Fridays, but I might have sea madness. Jordan, I'm smelling your bottle of water here. It smells pretty salty. Yeah, I'm drinking when in Rome, right? You've heard the expression, when in Rome,

drink sea water. I've heard the expression, when you drink sea water, you get sea madness. Oh, okay. I was flip- expression, when you drink seawater, you get sea madness. Oh, okay. I was flip-flopping my cliches. Yeah. I forgot to bring citrus fruits.

The main way it's manifesting is that I think it's sounding like a good idea to kiss a manatee. I forgot to bring any citrus fruits, so literally I've lost four teeth in the last four hours. We were not built for this. Yeah. This is not... I really literally physically wasn't built for this. We went on the tour. How many people here went on the tour?

Like, walk around, check it out. It's like half. Good. Raise your hands. Great for audio. I went on the tour, and, you know know my dad is about the same size as me he was in the Navy and the one thing that I wanted to call

and ask him when I finish up the tour was were you constantly hitting your fucking head I hit my head in a 45 minute tour 8 times hard too like a full on smash yeah I mean it's especially bad for Jesse.

I don't know if you guys know this about him. He does skip everywhere he goes. I guess it's more of a prance, really. It's more of a prance. A couple extra inches at my apex is the point. Sure. I think that's the moral of the story. There's huge, did you guys see how huge the guns are on this ship?

Like, driving up to this ship i was struck not by how big the ship is it is a very large ship i think it was like 1500 1600 crew members when it was fully uh staffed i don't know once in a while they had to go to account temps and get a couple people on summer break um but when it was 1500 people which is kind of a lot of people but um the guns are like a man could climb into one of the guns. And curl up and go to sleep. Oh, wouldn't that be cute? Put a little nightcap on.

You know, I hear, this is just a myth, but I thought it'd be fun to share. Maybe it's a little spooky. People say, if you listen very closely, you can hear the sailors having their first gay experience.

Shh! There it is. They showed us a picture of the bunks down in the lowest deck for the enlisted men. And they retrofitted the ship in the 1980s. The ship was in service for like 45 years. Down in the bottom, there are these bunks, and they're bunks where it's maybe, you know, it's maybe seven feet tall, and there's three bunks,

which is pretty tight quarters, because you've got to give it 10 inches for the mattress and so on and so forth. And then they showed us pictures of it during World War II, where they, rather than having, you know, big steel girder-based bunks, they had like a, like what you would sleep on on a Boy Scout trip, like canvas tied really tight between steel rails, but coming out like an in-and-out box in your office of a wall, and all I could think of was just the clattering and shaking while the men masturbated.

Just the noise. Those poor boys. Our men in uniform, the sacrifices. You had to do it really fast while the foghorn was going off so no one could hear. So the men got really quick. They got real quick.

You had to do it between blasts of the foghorn. I saw something on the way here that I thought you might have an explanation for, Jordan, or just some insight into. Arby's, it's a restaurant. They specialize in roast beef. It's like a fast food thing. All of my... Arby's, it's a restaurant. They specialize in roast beef. It's like a fast food thing. All of the...

I feel like all of the anecdotes that I have on Jordan Gessico anymore are just something I saw on a car. But I live in Los Angeles. So I was in the parking lot of the grocery store

by my house, El Superior. And what, no applause break? And I was behind one of the two types of vehicles that there are in my neighborhood. One of them is the Toyota Previa. The other one is the GMC Suburban. These are passenger vehicles that carry 14 or more. And it was a Suburban. And it had, you know those stickers that have like a dad and a mom and then children and dog and a cat? So it was a pretty big family. It was a mom and a dad, three children, a dog and a cat, and then sort of looming over them in the same style but roughly twice as big, the Grim Reaper. I mean, I think it just keeps the children complacent, knowing that death is looming over them at all times. It was the strangest thing. Maybe it keeps the cat from getting shitty.

Like, did they all die in a horrible accident? But then the car wasn't totally good. It's a good car. Oh, so the guy who bought the car chose to memorialize the huge family, dog and cat. It was a tragic situation. This whole family died, including the dog and cat, I guess. I thought you were going to say...

They all got in to go to the vet. I thought you were going to say the family, three kids, dog, cat, giant squid. They kept it in the pool. I got an email from a listener named Ian. And you guys probably know this segment that sometimes we do. Oh, I forgot about this. Let's talk about Ian in just a second. We're on a ship.

Forget that you saw that hilarious slide. We're on a ship. And there's a lot of seafaring humor that is really important to share when you're doing a comedy show on board ship. Yeah, we were just kind of going over the

kinds of jokes that people want to hear when they see a comedy show on a battleship. And we thought, okay, great, we could do these jokes. We're professionals. Yeah, totally. But there is someone more qualified than us, if you can believe it. Now, he's been the head writer of Jay Leno for a number of years. The Grand Ole Opry, you probably know him from his appearances there. He's got his own theater in Branson.

Had an absolutely amazing, I thought, arc on the Big Bang Theory. Totally. Please, I mean, he kind of needs no introduction. You know him. We love him. You love him. Ladies and gentlemen, here with some seafaring jokes, Captain Obvious.

Please welcome Captain Obvious. Captain Obvious. Last time I was on board the Iowa, I was working as a gigolo. I hardly recognize it without all the semen. Podcasts on a battleship? Well, it's got to be more entertaining than the movie Battleship. Does anyone know where the bathroom is? I already checked the poop deck

Captain Obvious Captain Obvious everybody It's a real honor To have Captain Obvious here You can catch him at the Jeff Dunham Theater Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. So this guy named Ian emailed me,

and he knew that we do this segment called Straight Talk for Teens. And just in general, on Jordan, Jesse, go, we're really concerned about teens. Are there any teens here tonight? Any teens? Some 20-somethings, probably. So you probably vividly remember your teens. We're really concerned about American teens, their welfare, their schoolwork.

And definitely we watch a lot of local news. So we know that the world out there, the world of teens is fraught. I would say that it's fraught. Yeah, and Ian correctly identified this. the world out there, the world of teens is fraught. I would say that it's fraught. Ian correctly identified this. He sent us this article, a real article on the real internet that was called Parents Beware, 11 Dangerous Teenage Trends All Parents Should Know About. It included things like vodka eyeballing

where you take a shot of vodka and put it into your eye. These are real things from a real article on the internet. One of them was car surfing, which is where teens these days climb up on top of cars and then the cars drive and they see how fast they can go

and there's been at least one death. Very dangerous unless you're a werewolf. Then it's fine. Smoking Smarties is one of the things that it says teens are doing. Teens. Which, by the way, doesn't involve fire. It involves crushing the Smarties, then putting a hole in one end of the Smarties roll and inhaling it.

Every teen does this, according to the internet. All teens. Also, it is profoundly dangerous. But we actually came across some kind of lesser known ones. And, you know, this is the part of the show that I think we just kind of want to be informative. Right. Yeah. So these are things, obviously, all of those things,

you're all hip young people, you know about car surfing, you know about the trend of distilling hand sanitizer so you can drink it. Another thing that was really in that real article. But we thought that there might be some that you didn't know about that we could sort of bring to your attention and just let you know about just because are there any parents here is anybody having unprotected again raised hands great anybody raw dogging it out there anybody

raw talking it all right you guys are great so i mean, I think one way or another, whether by hook or crook, you guys are likely to have children. They're going to grow up to be teens, and you should have a finger on what they're up to. So we thought we'd explain just a few trends. The first one is Snapchat. Snapchat. This is texting explicit photos of yourself with a mouth full of bugles. chat. This is texting explicit photos of yourself with a mouth full of bugles.

Extreme contrarianism. This is where you get together with friends and insist that I, Frankenstein, was a good movie until another friend goes to see it, and then when they get out of the movie, you beat them up. Micro-humping. This is actually two different trends uh one of them is

where you cut a hole in a microwave set it to defrost and then fuck it and the other one is just little tiny humps yeah just tiny tiny humps just tiny tiny little... Another dangerous teen trend, studying abroad. Yeah, this is where you go to London and you hang out with only American people, and then for the rest of your life you talk about how you lived in Europe. Very dangerous teen trend. Yeah. Maximum laundry So this is where you set your washing machine to hot

And then you mix colors with whites Of course there's drug trafficking Yeah, drug trafficking That's filling a condom with heroin, swallowing it And then trying to cross international borders Another dangerous teen trend And then there's crazening. Crazening, that's where you soak yourself in sugar overnight

and then lay down on a spinach salad. Anyway, hopefully everyone is now prepared. If you have a teen, if you meet a teen in the street, that's a few teen trends. Should we introduce our first guest? I would love to. Okay, our first guest is I would love to. Our first guest is a beloved stand-up comedian,

a beloved television writer. He is most recently featured on Mob City on TNT, directed and created by Mr. Frank Darabond. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the great Dana Gould. Ahoy.

That's my boat joke. I would hope that even in World War II that this boat had a bartender that would do the Isaac finger pistol laughter Is Charo in the audience? Where's Charo? How can Robert Wagner try to get back with Kate Jackson again?

Have you ever been on a boat before? I was on a Disney cruise two years ago with children. Right. It would be very weird if you were not with children. I was actually pro-life until the Disney cruise.

My only memory of the Disney cruise is just massive, profound amounts of uneaten mac and cheese. It's really true. It's really true. Just chumming the water with macaroni and cheese. It just goes in the trash. Yeah, it's just going to be released into the water. What makes it a Disney cruise? Just a Disney attitude? No, that makes it... You're a joke here.

It's owned by Disney crew lines. The characters are on the boat. It is literally like a floating theme park. And think about fun theme parks. I mean, is there a... Now you're trapped in one. You know, the characters are on the boat, and you're there for...

You're at sea for several days, maybe a little more than a week. I mean, do you think part of the appeal days, maybe a little more than a week. Do you think part of the appeal is that people think they can hook up with the characters? No comment. I've got to get to work. You're great. Look, if you see me today, just nod.

Don't be overly familiar. There's a rule against this. Where's my small green hat? I'm just imagining Pluto at like a buffet line spooning huge spoonfuls of macaroni and cheese but inside the Pluto head he's crying.

That's nothing you have to imagine. It's all just chicken fried. It's horrible. It made me regret having children. There's got to be some good parts about it. Did your kids like it? Yeah, they liked it. But even they were like, eh.

It's a bit much. Yeah, it's a lot. The whole lure of it is there's this Camp Disney and the kids go all day and then you and your wife are free to do whatever you want and our kids did not want to go to the camp. Right. And seven months later, we got divorced.

I'm not blaming the Disney crew specifically, but it certainly was a card in the hand Dana you shouldn't have married your children to begin with and you shouldn't have insisted they go to that camp why is it wrong for Woody Allen to marry his children I think it would be fun

if Camp Disney was off the ship. Like if they just put them in dinghies. Oh, just drag them behind the boat? Like at the end of every early James Bond movie, they're just behind a large vessel. Right. And when you dock, you go to all these East Coast ports of call, and you dock, but you're in a large group.

So it's like everybody gets on a bus. We're going to a beach. You're going to walk with the group. You get one cup of orange drink. It's just like, no, this is nothing I want to do. So the kids go from being in a magical, floating Disney fantasy land to Connecticut. Yes. Walk around Connecticut for a few hours. It's really

yeah and it's just like they managed to take the fun out of the Disney experience. That offshore like excursion thing you're literally describing the police athletic league. It really is. It's so ghastly. And we went to a beach and they literally just had like

a roped off section of the beach and 17 rows of chairs and you it was there was nothing good about it even sleep was slowly invaded by disney anna it was it was a terrible situation there's a on the lighter side yeah dot i'm waiting for another good thing to happen in my life. On the lighter side, the temperature's nice in here. We get attacked by the frigates from Knott's Berry Farm, and there's a massive sea battle. Now, a weird thing that I would think you would come across on a cruise like this is the adult Disney nerd. Are you kind of familiar with this? Not only did we have them,

we were even in the most comfortable part of the cabin section, and we were down the hall from the Roy Disney suite. That's how classy a ship it was. There was a suite named after Walt Disney's brother. And the adult Disney fans who have one trait in common, and I don't want to just come right out and say it, but it rhymes with blorbid blobeesity, would come up and literally take photos of the door that said the Roy Disney suite.

Now, was everyone wearing a denim jacket covered in commemorative pins? Yeah, there was a lot of pins, a lot of adults in mouse ear hats, and, yeah, flair, a lot of Disney flair. They're really into the pins. The pin-collecting culture is weird amongst those people. Yeah, that's the weird part.

Speaking of that's the weird part, we were on the tour earlier today, and there was a sign on a door, like a little door. There's no real watch-out, watch-your-step type signs, despite the fact that you could fall and die in a thousand places in this death machine. And

one of the signs said, danger, caution, dumb waiter. You could pinch your fingers in there. They have that sign at Chipotle. Because the waiters are so dumb.

I don't think they are waiters at Chipotle. One funny thing. Johnny Carson does love Chipotle. Every time a word like that comes around, I feel bad that Johnny's dead and he can't just sink his teeth into that into chip yeah or just

yeah like you know whatever the hoodoo gurus are here tonight but one thing about the Disney thing that you can do it's fun

if you go to Disneyland is pull aside any of the Disney people that work there and go help me out what is the name of the popular

Disney animated film where the mother doesn't die? There isn't one. I think like this minivan sticker, it's just reminding kids that death is coming for us all constantly. We will lose the race against death. Have some macaroni and cheese. That actually really closely mirrors my own personal life philosophy. Have some comfort glop.

Yeah. That's one of the top glops. I'm sure comfort glop has no other definition. If you find the dopey pin, maybe the reaper won't take you. The problem with having the bunks so close to each other is the bottoms of all the bunks were spackled in comfort gloves. Some say it's the reason the ship

is still floating today. It was just nice to know that amidst all the death, there was the potential of life drying on the underside of the bunker button. Alright boys, we took a lot of damage in that battle. Get jackin'. We need some spackle.

Yay! I noticed when we were, I mean it was a pretty epic run. I'm not going to lie to you guys. We were having a lot of fun sharing some great jokes. But a gentleman in the front row was videotaping. I really appreciate

the enthusiasm, but I will note that no one else wants to watch that. In fact, you don't want to watch that. He was taking still photographs. There's only one thing you want to watch less.

It's someone actually doing it. I'm... Think about this room that's making me a little bit self-conscious if I could just open up. By all means, Jordan. Thank you, Jesse. I hope this is a safe space. You're known for really opening up on our show. There's a lot of maps

here. There's a lot of maps as decoration. They're informative. It's showing kind of the track, the path of the battleship. And people are looking over there periodically. They're beautiful maps, but as I'm looking out over the audience and I notice someone glance over there,

my initial thought is, holy fuck, I'm less interesting than a map. Yeah, I feel like everyone is planning their escape route, and it goes through Guam. Are those current maps, or is there still, like, Soviet Union?

This map is everywhere that the USS Iowa has gone in its, whatever it is, 1942 to, what year is it now? 2014? 72 year history. Wow. And, you know, mostly war places. Yeah.

But that pretty much describes the globe, doesn't it? That's a good point. Point taken. Mostly war places. It had a stop off in 1987 in the island of Diego Garcia. I bet that was fun. I'm not good on boats, period. I don't think I do well. I'm not really terrible in submarines. I have a claustrophobia in the sense

of I don't mind small spaces, but I don't like small spaces that I can't leave of my own will.ana i don't i think i'm gonna i'm sort of a vox populi here but when have you been on a submarine to have formed this opinion one would almost think i was queuing up a story. Yeah. We were in Hawaii and we wanted to go on this glass bottom submarine to look at fish. And I don't

like elevators. My fear in life, more than anything, is that I'm going to get stuck in an elevator and then have to poop. Because there's nothing to say. Right. When they open the door. What do you go, oh, yeah, that was there.

Hey, man, 20 floors, right? And then I got stuck. And the fireman's like, no, no, you did that. You did that. So what can I say? After a while, the elevator pooped. That is the only worst thing that can happen is you get into an elevator

with the most beautiful woman you've ever met. It gets stuck. Right as you realize you've just had two black coffees in the world's biggest bran muffin. And you're like, what are you going to do? You're done. You'd have to kill her. The goose is gone. You'd have to kill her.

You'd have to kill her with your bare hands. And now there's a new, most beautiful woman in the world who you have yet to meet. Exactly. Just wait for the foghorn to go off. And then at least when they open the door, you can go, well, clearly she pooped and died of embarrassment. And you can skate. But, so long story longer,

where the kids want to go to see deep sea fish on a submarine i'm like great and then we're going you go on you take a boat out to the submarine and i start to hyperventilate thinking i don't like this because uh i i'm not going to be able i can't just leave the sub right um and literally i'm not making this up my daughter is like and i'm like trying not to have a panic attack. And I go, what? And she goes, do mermaids have tongues? And then so we, you know, they say, here's the mistake that I made.

Everyone goes, let's go on a submarine. In my head I go, no. And my mouth goes, yes. And long story short, I had to get on a submarine. In my head I go, no! And my mouth goes, yes! And long story short, I had to get off the submarine moments before we went. Well, I mean, it's better than moments after. Yeah.

I go, what if you're not doing well in this environment? And the guy goes, well, it's all right. It's a short trip. And I'm like, how short? He goes, about 45, 50 minutes. Ah, that's too long.

I think it would have been great. I mean, not for you, but for me, retrospectively, had I heard the story later, if you had gotten on the submarine, then you know you have to get off. It's too crazy in there. Yeah. All they have is torpedo tubes. It's too crazy in there. Yeah. All they have is torpedo tubes. Just get fired out into the water. And you get fired,

but not just out into the water. It's an underwater-to-surface torpedo. So you just fucking breach. And you're coming out there like, you know, you know what I'm talking about? And then you die at the about? And then you land right in the Fuddruckers.

Yes! Fuddruckers! What you do have to do is you get out of the submarine and you go into the boat of the people that were just getting off the submarine and they're all staring at you

like, why did you do that? And then when some of them look at you, you just look and go, it was an easy fix. You guys weren't in any real trouble. Let's bring on our other guest. I'd love to. You know her also as a television writer and stand-up comedian, most recently of Totally Biased with W. Kamau

Bell. Please welcome to the stage our pal Eliza Skinner. Hello. Hi, Eliza. How are you? I'm good. How are you? How do you feel being on board a battleship? Fine now. I don't really notice it now. When I first got on, I was like, this is intense. And then you got inside and it was like, this is a room.

Would you say that you're warlike? I mean, always, yes. That's just sort of a 24-7 for me. Sure. I can understand that. Have you ever been on a boat this big? Um, not this big. I was on a little boat for a while. I went on a cruise up the Nile when I was in high school. Wow. Weird, right? How much mac and cheese? It actually attracts piranhas, so you cannot have it on board.

Yeah, it was with a travel study with Brigham Young University, and I am not Mormon, but my mom had a friend at work who was, and we got hooked up. Did you have to, like, act Mormon the whole time? I think you mean the old hooked up. Yes. There's not a lot of post-hookup Mormon chatting now. They were sort of platonic sister wives. Right.

Yeah, and that they were just women friends. Right. I wives. Right. Yeah. And that they were just women friends. I understand. What does one do on a Nile boat? Well, it was being run by an architect. No, not an architect. An anthropologist.

A mummy. Yeah. I can never say that word right. Mummy. Yes, okay. Ellen Cleghorn. Pass. Yes. An archaeologist.

And he, so he, like a professor, an archaeology professor. And so he like took us around to different digs. Did he show you where the mud people came from?

Sorry, Morgan. No. No, that would have been... I guess if we... All their weird stuff is North American. I mean, their cool stuff, whatever. You know, everybody has their beliefs. How many are there?

We don't know. It could be any one of them. Yeah. You never know who's in a room. You never know when there's an adult Disney nerd on your show. Oh, no. I've got a season pass. Well, so do I,

but you can usually tell if there's an adult Disney nerd in your show by the belt extender. Yeah, I just, I don't know, I like to remember that imagination makes things happen. That's actually stenciled over the gates of the Playboy Mansion. That feels like it would be stenciled

over gates like four miles away. Like, eh, this is as close as you're going to get. Makes things happen with Barbie Benton. So did you feel like you had to act Mormon the whole time? Well, what was weird is that it's a country where they're not allowed... Nice. He also...

Dana also has a season pass. Yeah. It's an excellent way to enjoy the park. It was... It's a country in which they're not allowed, at least at the time, they weren't allowed to proselytize. And that's kind of the reason why most of them went, because they go on their missions and they travel the world.

That would be a fucking amazing mission to get assigned to if you're an 18 year old mormon man to go engage in prostitution no but i mean like if the if the choices are you have to go to bogota you know i mean and you don't speak Spanish. You have to learn Spanish when you get there. You have to go door to door in Bogota. Or you can just go to Egypt where you're not allowed

to proselytize and just fucking check out the mummies on a Nile tour. That's amazing. Kind of. They were like, but they were really,

they really wanted to. That's kind of their thing. And so it was, it was tough. Mad mud people. They would kind of their thing. And so it was tough. They would kind of try to slide the info in. And if someone asked them, they could talk about it. But it even extended to me. So as a 14-year-old, I'd be like, so what is it that you guys believe?

And they'd be like, we can tell you later tonight. They played charades. First word, Joseph Smith. Sounds like. No coffee. Yeah, I got a lot of side eyes while I drink coffee or Coca-Cola. For some reason, I mean, my view of the Nile, the thing I have in my head when you say the Nile is just a jungle.

So I'm envisioning these kind of clean-cut Mormon kids trying to explain the Bible to a snake. And the snake is like, I'm in the book, dude. It's very culturally responsible. I'm the star of the first chapter. In my imagination, they're like in a heated theological argument with a native person, but the native person isn't a Muslim. It's a pharaoh. And it's a statue, and they're just making some really gross assumptions. They get kidnapped.

In sweeps. Brendan Fraser. Yes. They're all made out of beetles. Let's make three movies out of that. I'd see them. Then again, I also saw Frankenstein. Did you?

Change of conversational direction. How did that go? It was crazy. It's so bad. If you're someone who likes bad movies for how bad they are, this is your jam. Doesn't this movie star like Aaron Eckhart or something? It does. Aaron Eckhart as Frankenstein

with his grossly misshapen perfect face. And his thousand-year-old abs. To be fair, he does have thousand-year-old abs. They're well-defined. They're crazy defined for as much of a grown-up as he is. Does it take place in the future? No, it takes place... There's a lot of flashback to the past,

and then the rest of it is current times. There are some futuristic elements, like there's a science lab, and there's a lot of those Dyson Blade fans, so it's pretty sci-fi. The fan of the future. That's how you know. That was one of their indicators of,

this is science. Look at these nice fans. Frankenstein comes to life like the lightning hits the thing. He goes, and he just goes to look for Roombas to stomp. Frankenstein smash Keurig. No understand. Things you can buy at Bed Bath & Beyond Conveniences

He hates conveniences Like fire and Roombas Do you guys understand this joke? Has anyone seen Frankenstein's charger? Ah, not universal Frankenstein have Android Everyone else have iPhone Ah, not universal. Frankenstein have Android. Everyone else have iPhone.

Frankenstein said. Is it a remake of Frankenstein? No, not at all. He punches gargoyles, right? Yeah, that's the whole thing. There's a big war. Okay, spoilers. I'm so sorry. But there is a...

Eliza, I think you're off base there. I don't think anybody who's coming to a live podcast taping would ever give anybody a hard time about spoilers. Or correct anyone when they get the name of a comic book character wrong. God damn you people! Sorry. You're all welcome. Thank you for coming.

Superman. I thought he was Jewish. He is. Little Josh Superman. Sorry. There's a thousand year old war between the demons and the gargoyles. Uh-huh.

And you can only someone without a soul who's evil can kill a gargoyle but anybody can kill a demon if they have the right symbol drawn on their stuff. The made-up rules of Supernatural drives me berserk. I was literally watching Vampire Diaries, flipping the channels, waiting for my car to get finished. And I was like, well, as you know, vampires can walk outside during the day

if they have on their scarab ring. And I'm alone in the Jiffy Lube waiting room going, No, they can't! Who cannot make up stuff like that? That's insane. The war between the demons and the gargoyles. Quick question. You say it's a thousand year old war?

Oh at least. You're saying it started around the time of the Norman invasion. Before that it was the uneasy day time. I'm sorry. I did misspeak. It's apparently about a 225-year-old war. Oh. Well, that makes a heap of sense.

That's what's from preposterous to believable. Yeah. And so he just punches these gargoyles. Well, no, just at one point, when he's like, you know what, this is what I've. This is what I got for you. Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm. Did the gargoyle,

which one's upset about Rousseau? The gargoyles or the demons? It did not. Which one doesn't like the age of reason? You know what? I think probably the gargoyles.

Yeah. Yeah, because the demons were real into science. This is for the second great awakening. Yeah, because the demons were really into science. This is for the second great awakening. Yeah, so it was good. That's one thing that changes when you have children is going to see movies that you know are bad

to enjoy them ironically. Because time just becomes too precious. I think the last bad movie I went to see intentionally involved the phrase, You want a war, postman? Intentionally, knowing it was bad going in, I've seen plenty since. American Hustle comes to mind. Wait a minute.

Can he say that? You didn't like America's favorite Can You Believe This Hair movie? The working title was Wig the Movie. Somebody said it should be called Acting the Movie. What is that scene in the bathroom when she's screaming? Anyway, okay. Sorry you guys just don't like how down-to-earth Jennifer Lawrence is.

I guess you guys don't like down-to-earth people who are super real. She was actually great. She was great. The movie I thought was just five people who aren't funny who think they're hilarious. I liken it to there was something in my high school called Air Guitar. That was in a lot of places.

A lot of people play Air Guitar. Something in my high school called air guitar? We had these things called pen-sills. Number two pen-sill. But the thing about the air guitar was it was, guys, I don't know if you know this, maybe you could tell, maybe you couldn't, I did some drama in high school. You've got kind of a Pippin thing going on. Sure, yes.

People call me Pippin-esque. And we thought we were great. Our production of Noises Off was hilarious, we thought. But air guitar was this thing where it was primarily dominated

by the jocks. It was the jocks' chance to be funny. So they would, a lot of them dressing up in drag, and then they would just lip-sync to a popular song at the time, a smash mouth, an offspring, and then everyone for a week would talk about how funny

the jocks were, and then I would carry that grudge with me throughout the year, thinking that no one understood. If they only had come to see Noises Off, they would know what comedy really was. And I agree that American Hustle seemed like the air guitar, the world's most attractive

people being hilarious. There is a movie, if I may interrupt you, Jesse, on your own show. I saw the DVD of it. It's just coming out now called Labor Day. Oh, yeah. The freakish thing about Labor Day is that Ed Wood is dead and did not make it. This, I literally barked laughing in the movie.

Is this the part of the trailer where they're both erotically squeezing peaches? It is, you know. Oh, yeah, that is pretty ridiculous. It's the movie of a convicted murderer who gets out of jail, hides out in the woman's house, and over the course of two and a half days teaches her how to make a pie, teaches her how to sprinkle salt on a crust, fixes her wall, communicates with the uncommunicatable mentally handicapped wheelchair kid in town. I mean, it literally is like a sketch of the evil guy that stays in your house.

And it's like, I'll never fix this satellite. Hang on. Is that a GS-256? I like to think of it as sort of a manic thug life dream man sort of thing. It is profound. It's just like if Martha Stewart was in the body of James Brolin from another crazy identity movie and then accidentally killed somebody and she escaped from jail years later, that's who shows up at Kate Winslet's house.

He literally looks at a bowl of peaches and he goes, there's too many peaches for us to eat. They won't be ripe by the time we're done. And he just went, I've got a better idea. And I said to my ex-wife, when I started the movie, I said, if they make a pie, I'm leaving. And they made a pie and I stayed.

When I saw the trailer, my first thought was, why are they putting this Lifetime movie out in theaters? Shouldn't this be starring Dean Cain and a Christmas puppy? But here's the thing. The director, it's Jason Reitman.

He's a good director. It's just like, at what point do you go like, did anyone go, no, no, no, no, no. He can't know how to salt a crust. Murderers don't know how to make salted crust. This isn't an extension of the lucrative holiday name movie franchise? No. It's like all these different convicts.

One is on a plane. One is just shopping. One's Julia Roberts. You could tell she was there for like three days. But really, you can see a lot of feeling in her eyes the whole time. She brings it. She brings it. I'm just glad Gary Marshall's still working on Arbor Day.

I know. From the director of East of Eden. The one man who thought to put Rosie O'Donnell as the starring role in his sex comedy. role in his sex comedy. Now, Labor Day is, as movies go, and I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say this,

worse than a million 9-11s. Clearly, you say that, Dana, you have clearly never fucked on a pie. If you had, you would not be saying that. Wait, did he get up on that pie? No you had, you would not be saying that.

Wait, they get up on that pie? No. No, you are with your lover while on a pie. I mean, it's a pie, but it's also like a heart pot. See, that would have made sense to me if he tore out her heart and made a pie. That would be something I would expect a killer to do.

It would have been a great movie if she comes and she thinks, oh, maybe this convicted killer will teach me how to love and teach my son with an absentee father how to throw a baseball. And instead he pokes out the kid's eye and mutilates her. I was like, well, at least it's real. There is so much that I actually want to say about this,

but I'm for real worried about spoiling it. Have you seen it? Yeah. Am I wrong? I mean, no want to say about this, but I'm for real worried about spoiling it. Have you seen it? Yeah. Am I wrong? I mean, no, you're not wrong, but I'm just so much more interested. It gets so ridiculous at the end. It is. It's awesome.

Like, what? That's your end? That's your end? Anybody want to see Labor Day? No. Spoil it. Spoil it. You can leave if you want to see Labor Day.

You can go stand outside for four minutes. toilet you can leave if you want to see labor day you can go stand outside for four minutes it's literally 360 degree exit for people who want to see labor day you're gonna jump in the ocean i i was talking to a friend of mine who a big screenwriter ironically wrote the movie ed wood uh who said uh i it's been years since he's seen a movie with so many laugh-out-loud howlers. Yeah, it's just insane. Go ahead. Well, along those lines, when he walks up to her and is like,

will you help me dye my hair? And it's like, what? Will you help me dye my hair? Or something like that. He's just like, I need you to hide me. And he's been stabbed, and she's like, okay. Like, what? You've got your child with you. No you to hide me. And he's like been stabbed. And she's like, okay. Like what?

You've got your child with you. No, that's when you help someone who's been stabbed. It's when you have your child. You know what I hear is very sexy though, is that scene in I, Frankenstein, where Frankenstein and the gargoyle make pudding. Something. On a pottery wheel.

On a pottery wheel. They're shitting the pudding. I just think that on the last day of the shooting, Labor Day, when they said, a wrap kate winslet marched up to the director and said all right the photos and the negatives and why is it so so what he is he got stabbed yeah and he wants her to dye his hair well maybe i got that wrong i don't know he like comes up to her in a store no he's for real scary that's that's the thing he's not like gosh. I don't know. He comes up to her in a store. It's like an EMT. No, he's for real scary. That's the thing. He's not like, gosh, guys, I don't know what happened to me. I've been wronged.

He comes up and he's like, kid, you have to help me. Then he's like, okay. And then they take him home. It's just super scary. Hi, lady. My name's Murderous Joe. The voice you're doing for it makes me think this is some sort of Batman prequel. And he takes them home, and then they go home,

and they're just sitting around the kitchen together. At no point does it ever start, what if you ran out of the house? But it is exactly the same as a Manic Pixie Dream Girl movie, but instead of it being a girl who's in a floppy hat and is like, I think that roller skates should be on hands. My lunchbox is a purse. I wonder if

fish dream... It's this guy who's like, I can make friends with your mentally challenged neighbor and have a whimsical game of baseball with him. Also, the friend with the mentally challenged neighbor, like a lot of people who have mentally handicapped kids, leaves the kid with Kate Winslet when Kate Winslet is going, no, no,

you can't leave him here. You can't leave him here. And because it's Kate Winslet, she takes off all of her clothes. And then when she comes back, the kid tries to talk, so she slaps him in the face in front of everybody. It's just like, now let me get this straight. Am I supposed to not like you? It's a real gray area.

I'm proud to say, recently voted the world's most overrated film, Million Dollar Baby. When the mother comes and is like, when do you die so we can eat your corpse? It's like, do I not like the mother in this movie? Creative work is different these days. In 2014, you can do the stuff you dreamed of doing, then get it to an audience without ever asking anyone for permission. You can

even make a living doing it. Make Your Thing is a conference for independent creatives this October in Los Angeles. It's your chance to learn from and network with your indie peers. Our lineup of presenters includes artists, writers, comics, musicians, podcasters, bloggers, even a butcher and a professional wrestler. What they all share is a passion for making their thing. You can find out more, see our full lineup, watch our video, and most importantly, help make the conference happen at makeyourthing.la. That's makeyourthing.la. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you I mean, you guys clearly have a lot of opinions about pop culture. I can't live without passion. We actually prepared a little segment that kind of speaks to that.

We know you guys are passionate people with a lot of opinions. So we prepared a game we're calling the Reverse Celebrity Nerd Off. Maybe applaud when we announce a new segment? Great. We like that. That's great. You guys are doing good. Is that because we're reverse celebrities? You suck celebrities into you.

And destroy careers. There are two people you should know who they are, but you don't. Let's introduce our celebrity, Aaron Eckhart. Sorry. We do love your abs. Very nice abs. So this is how reverse celebrity nerdoff works. Everyone has something that they're particularly enthusiastic about,

perhaps maybe even a little too enthusiastic. And they know lots of trivia facts and information about that. When we put together a quiz game to test the things that our celebrities here on our panel are particularly enthusiastic about. But we thought it would be boring if we asked them about the thing that they were enthusiastic about.

So we're going to ask them about the thing the other one is enthusiastic about. Eliza, we're going to be asking you questions about the Planet of the Apes franchise. Great, great. And Dana, we're going to be asking you questions about the Jamestown colony. Oh, good. The drink was Kool-Aid.

No, joke. James, not Jones. James. The Jamestown people killed themselves with Gatorade. So let's kick things off. Eliza, the first question is to you. This is a question about Dana's enthusiasm, The Planet of the Apes.

Planet of the Apes was inspired by a French novel by Pierre Boulle. Which of these is the English translation of the title of that French novel? Ape Party, Monkey Planet, or My Dinner with Orangutan? Monkey Planet. You're absolutely correct for one point. They should have said that if you do get a perfect score, you may be the new Mrs. Ghoul.

Can I change my answer? The answer is trapeze. Data about the Jamestown Colony. Three ships founded the Jamestown Colony. What were they called? The Susan Constant, the Discovery, and the Godspeed, the Concord,

the Queen Mary, and the Hermione, the Butcher, the Baker, and your dad's friend from work I believe it was B No, I'm sorry, it was the Susan Constance, the Discovery, and the Godspeed I thought that was B That was A Well, then you should have said it's second Someone was wrong, I don't know who it is, I feel bad anyways Then you should have said it's second.

Someone was wrong. I don't know who it is. I feel bad anyways. Eliza, we're going to ask you a question from the thing that Dana is a nerd of, the order of stuff. Yeah, what a letter dork. Jordan, you want to ask Eliza a question? I will.

Which of the following is a real planet of the apes movie battle for the planet of the apes triumph of the planet of the apes bris of the planet of the battle it is battle you're absolutely correct that's your second point eliza dana where do you feel Battle of the Planet of the Apes falls in the Planet of the Apes quality pantheon? It is risible, yet better than Tim Burton's.

Actually, there was a movie called Briss of the Planet of the Apes, and it did contain the line hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, famous professional comedian Dana Gould. Okay, this one's for you, Dana. It's a question about Jamestown. Great!

The third president of the Jamestown colony, James Smith, was forced to write an aggressive letter to his investors when supplies ran low. What was it called? The rude answer, the gentleman's rebuke, or the colonist's engorgement. It was the gentleman's rebuke. Incorrect. It was the rude answer. Then you should have said that one first.

It was the rude answer. Then you should have said that one first. Liza, this one. How is it that you're obsessed with the James colony? Obsessed? Well, I'm from Virginia. So is my mother. She thinks that God helps her find her slippers.

Oh, I'm also not like 100 or whatever. I, yeah, I like, I find it really fascinating. It's the founding, it's the reason that we speak English instead of French or Spanish or, well, I mean, we sometimes do speak those things. But you know what I'm saying. Not me. All right. I'm not fucking, sorry. And there's so much.

Learn the language. There's so much incorrect. language there's so much incorrect you should explain Jordan is an Esperanto asshole there's so much incorrect I own one movie

it's Nosferatu starring William Shatner there's a lot of incorrect mythology it's called Incubus oh what did I say I'm not that stupid you do know the name

of the Esperanto movie I just know a lot of stuff that's fake no I think it's fascinating Where in Virginia are you from? Richmond Oh, my mom is from Front Royal Oh, yeah, yeah

Also, I'm descended from Pocahontas My mom is descended from a guy Who lost his eye in a bar fight You can put a shot in there It's this cool thing kids are doing You dump it into your eye socket that used to have an eye. Gets the vodka right in your bloodstream.

Who's next? Eliza's up next. Which three types of apes are featured in The Planet of the Apes? Gorillas, orangutans, and chimpanzees. Baboons, gorillas, and bonobos. Ed from the movie Ed. Dunstan from the movie Dunstan Checks In.

And Jason Alexander from the movie Dunstan Checks In. Sweet Jason Alexander burn. No sacred cows on this show. We're taking down Eckhart. We're taking down pies. I'm going to go with the first one. Gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees. You're absolutely correct

for your third point. I'm just going to go with the first one. Gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees? You're absolutely correct for your third point. I'm just going to say, for the record, her questions are easier. Eliza, who was an American president? Who wasn't an American president? Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Peter Criss from Kiss. Dana, Pi has many digits. Name the 23rd and 47th. Dana.

It's all perspective. What is the English translation of the name Pocahontas? Is it Woman of the Forest, Little Mischief, or Frank's Discount Muffler? Well, it comes from the old English poco, meaning Southern California soft rock band from the 70s and Hontas,

which means more than one Honta. Right? I'm just going to take a stab at Little Mischief only because Woman of the Forest seems obvious and orangutans are the little man

of the forest, so maybe you saw those two next to each other and went, too similar. You're absolutely correct. It's Little Mischief. And that is the correct reasoning, too. And the reason was, the reason they called it Little Mischief was that she kept asking them for her freedom. I'd like to go back to that.

What a scamp. I mean, actually, it was because she was 11 when she got there and she'd like to go back to my... What a scamp! Actually, it was because she was 11 when she got there, and she was just like crazy. She could do all these cartwheels. She didn't have any hair. She was bald. She was bald. Disney doesn't tell you that. The Disney character is built like a stick figure.

Like a stick figure with a rack. Yeah, exactly. When you learn to draw as a little boy, when you need to draw a girl, you draw a stick figure and give rack. Yeah, exactly. It's like when you learn to draw as a little boy, when you need to draw a girl, you draw a stick figure, give her two huge jugs. She has the legs of the planter, salty peanut planter.

You're just jealous because you guys can only paint with two or three of the colors of the wind. Final question for Eliza. I got this one for Amanda here. Excuse me, for Eliza. I got this one for Amanda here. Excuse me, for Eliza. Which of the following is a real character from the original Planet of the Apes film?

Is it Dr. Bartleby, Dr. Maximus, or Dr. C. Everett Cooke? Dr. Maximus? That's correct. He was, of course, the Commissioner for Animal Affairs. Wait, isn't everything animal affairs in the Planet of the Apes? How many of you ladies are too turned on right now?

They have started jumping over the side of the ship because it would be less wet than their vaginas. I am the, you know, Data Gould and Trivia Contests or other leading causes of vaginal dryness. Final question. In 1619, the first representative...

Again, I put to you. My questions are hard. The good news is this final question, because it's so hard, is worth four points, so it would bring you the victory. Didn't this go from not tense to tense? It's called raising the stakes,

ladies and gentlemen. Oh, by the way. Dope, dope. Dope, dope. Dope, dope. Dope, dope. My baby. Hey guys, remember earlier in the show when Dana saved that cat? You gotta.

So we like him now. Screenwriting joke. In 1619, the first representative assembly in America convened a Jamestown church. What was it called? The House of Burgess. The House of Burgesses, excuse me. The House of Presbyters. Or the House of Buggin.

It would be the first one because the second two aren't real. That's absolutely correct! He's right. That was so easy! Oh, I'm sorry. Did Dr. Bartleby throw you? Yeah, like Bartleby the Slippener. Probably could. Monkeys are pretty strong.

Monkey man! Can I have one observation about Planet of the Apes? Then you can tell a hilarious story of James, of butter churning. There's a lot, it was one of those things that you, movies that aren't bad, movies that aren't bad,

but they have things in them. You look at them now and you go like, what? And there's one scene where Charlton Heston is talking to the cave woman. He's talking about the female astronaut on the ship that died at the very beginning of the movie. And he goes,

did I tell you about Stuart? There was a lovely girl. She used to be the new Eve. With our hot and eager help, of course. I was like, really? Was that her job on the mission?

Why do I bet she thought she was the geologist? Well, I mean, every mission, you need somebody from every department. You need a guy who's a weapons expert. You need somebody who's a whiz with gadgets. You need a cum dumpster. Well, now that we're here, Stuart, you better crack the seal on top secret Operation New Eve. Watch this, guys.

Too gross, sorry. Stuart, you're in charge of guns, right? Yeah. Hot and eagerly. So crazy. That's when I knew the movie was fake. Jordan, Jesse, Go! this week is supported by Squarespace, the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. They've got beautiful designs for you to start with, and you can make them your own with the help of a support team that's available 24 7

go to squarespace.com and use the offer code jjgo1 that's all one word jjgo and the number one to get 10 off your first purchase squarespace is everything you need to create an exceptional website if you want to advertise on jordan jesse go email theresa at maximumfund.org or if you want to get up on our jumbotron go to maximum fun.org. Or if you want to get up on our jumbotron, go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron. It's perfect for short announcements from Jordan, Jesse, go listeners and it's cheap and easy. Let's get back to the show. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Tell me what the good ones are. Brian's supposed to be, these are the good ones? Sort of, yeah.

Okay. We should mention, in terms of raising the stakes, there is a prize for the best momentous occasion. We have several prizes. Number one, if your momentous occasion is among those chosen to be performed live on stage here in the officer's mess of the USS Iowa, you'll receive one of these delicious flag bars from Candy Farm. It's a naturally and artificially flavored candy bar known as a delicious coconut slice confection. So there's that. Sounds kind of gross. And the best momentous

occasion, the winner, the person we think has the best momentous occasion will get Captain Obvious's captain's hat. Worn by the real Captain Obvious. Where did he go? I haven't seen him in a while. I don't need to tell you guys this, but this

hat in a battleship gift shop, not affordable. Not an affordable hat. It set us back. It's a very valuable prize. Flag bar, very affordable. Okay, someone... They don't mention that you're in a lot of World War II movies. We've been hit! They took out the gift shop!

Someone had a classic rock-related one? Classic rock-related. Come on up. Give him a hand, everybody. Yeah. I think it's me. What's your name, sir? Mac. Hi, Mac. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too. What's that short for? Big Mac Tonight? Not short for anything. What if this was what Big Mac Tonight does now? You guys remember Big Mac Tonight? He's like, well, I got my face shaved, for one thing. I'm not a moon man anymore.

Had a lot of plastic surgery, got rid of the moon. So tell us, what's your momentous occasion? I met the guitarist from the Doobie Brothers, and he was very nice. That sounds super chill. It was pretty chill. Then he started talking about guns. He didn't really segue into it. Wait, what were you talking about before

guns? Guitars and stuff. Just being chill? Yeah, just being chill. Where did you meet him? Backstage at a county fair? I was at my workplace. A county fair? I work at a county fair. Don't embarrass him. He works at a county fair? I was at my workplace. A county fair? Yes, I work at a county fair. It's so funnel case. Don't embarrass him.

He works at a skating rink. Absolutely, absolutely. But yeah, he started going into gun control laws, and he was really angry about it, and I didn't want to say anything, and it was uncomfortable. What was his stance on gun control? It's a bad thing. Very bad.

You know, when you're a doobie brother, you're a man of means, and you have a lot of things that people probably want to take from you, so you want to defend your hard earned. Yeah, like what if somebody breaks into your house in the middle of the night to steal your

chill vibe? He said that he sleeps with a pistol under his pillow, which I thought was a joke at first, but then he named the brand and the type of bullets. And I just clammed up and didn't say anything. No loved ones.

Just a pistol under the pillow. I hear that Jimmy Buffett defends himself with a club. He bludgeons people. Sure, absolutely. That's a pretty solid Fins himself with a club. It's bludgeoned people. Sure, absolutely. Yeah, he likes to feel the blood on his hands. That's a pretty solid momentous occasion. Thank you very much.

Mack, ladies and gentlemen. I like to think that whatever gun he does have, it's made out of denim and is studded. Someone here has a momentous occasion related to showering. Who's got a showering-related momentous occasion? Sounds sexy. Showering with Michael McDonald.

That might be mine. Yeah, I think that's yours. Come on up, ma'am. Hello. What's your name? Amanda. Hi, Amanda. Hello.

Is that short for Big Mac tonight? If you wanted to. Or Eliza. Amanda, tell us what your momentous occasion is. Well, I am here with my husband, Michael, and we were headed on vacation to San Diego when we learned about the show and realized it would coincide. So we came here. We changed our vacation plans from Prescott, Arizona, and went it would coincide. So we came here. We changed our vacation plans

from Prescott, Arizona. You probably wouldn't have come here if you had seen Blackfish. Yeah, it's true. That was too complicated. Sorry. So we slept in our car two nights, but that was kind of by choice. And we did some

coin-op showering today to get here. So we would be presentable. You guys both look great. Thank you. What kind of car are we talking about here? Ford Focus? Can I guess? I'm guessing Ford Focus.

No. How did you find the coin operated showers? Well, these had really good pressure. We didn't find out what kind of fucking car it is. You said you wanted to guess. And so she was letting you guess. I know. And you didn't guess it. I guessed it. I got it wrong. fucking car it is. You said you wanted to guess, and so she was letting you guess. I know, and you didn't guess properly. I guessed it.

I got it wrong. Hyundai Elantra. PT Cruiser. That was it. We have a Honda Element, and we built a bed platform in the back of it. Oh. Can you fuck back there?

You can. You know what I'm talking about. This guy's had intercourse.. This guy's had intercourse. This married man's had intercourse. That guy's probably got a boner right now. Romantic vacation. And when the inside is an upholstered, it's kind of just that.

It's kind of that plastic and molded plastic. Well, it's good so you can hose it down. You can hose it down, yeah. So it doesn't look like the underside of a bunk. Yeah. So the coin apparate showers, good presh. Did we establish where you found them? No, we didn't. They were in Joshua Tree.

We camped in the park, and then we hit up those nice showers. Are you guys still on shrooms? Well, you know, we did some exploring. Alright, you know the colors of the wind. Got to know each other's bodies. That's what you said. Talking about fucking, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, let's get, okay.

Great, I mean, that's a good one. I mean, I like that it involves going out of your way to see our show, which is nice. Is it like the car wash, like in the middle of your shower you need to put more water in or you get stuck all sudsed up? Well, you had to have tokens, so after a certain amount of time

the water was no more and you had to put another token in to get some more. Overhead or hand, like dishwasher? Oh, overhead. If you get too many tokens, if you finish your shower quick can you just play Virtua Fighter? Yes or no? We haven't established whether you can play Virtua Fighter.

Cruising USA, I don't know. What are you playing? Galaga. Amanda, thank you very much. Amanda, ladies and gentlemen. Amanda, thank you very much. Amanda, ladies and gentlemen. She fucks in a car,

she showers in the desert, and she gets entertained on a battleship. Nothing this woman does makes sense. Someone lives really, really nearby, like extremely... Come on up, come on up. Ladies and gentlemen, a barnacle. I came from the underside of the ship. That would be so cute.

Is your name Sigmund? The sea monster. Hi. Hi, what's your name, sir? Philip. Hi, Philip, nice to meet you. First of all, tell us where you live. I live three blocks up First Street.

What's your address? Social Security. Do you keep your doors locked? Where in your house do you keep your chill vibe? Everywhere. Run, he's got a club. Tell us what your momentous occasion is, Philip. My momentous occasion is, Phillip. My momentous occasion is I got this shirt for contributing to Maximum Fun whenever this was available.

It's a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt. Three or four years ago. It's a classic designed by Dan Henrick, as I recall, a few years ago. And when I got it, I got the biggest one you guys had, and I was way too fat to wear it. And I lost a lot of weight in the last year, and this is the first time I've worn it. Congratulations. Congratulations. You look great.

Phillip, I don't mean to show you up, but how much weight are we talking about? 160 pounds. Holy shit. Great work, Phillip. Excellent. So I just lost 130 pounds. Holy shit! Great work, fella. Excellent. So, I just lost 130 pounds. Well, I got divorced. My wife lost 160 pounds.

What are we looking at here? Diet, exercise, tapeworm? Diet. Excellent. Good work. Quinoa? I got to presume quinoa. I mean, I don't have to, but I choose to presume quinoa.

I've seen quinoa. It doesn't look like something I want to eat. No, don't fuck with that quinoa. Did you do lap band or anything like that? Nope. Good for you. Yeah, fucking A. Good work.

Can I mention to you, speaking of diets, there's this door over here that says USS Iowa Historical Materials. I open that door, and inside that room is just on the floor a six-pack of Diet Coke. That's what's in there. That was Truman's Diet Coke. There's a lot of Coca-Cola on this vessel.

Yeah. Philip, thank you very Coke. There's a lot of Coca-Cola on this vessel. Yeah. Philip, thank you very much. Philip, ladies and gentlemen. Philip, here's your flag bar. Can you give Philip his flag bar? After the show, Amanda and her husband will be showering in that Diet Coke. Okay, Mac, did you get your flag bar? No.

Did we give flag... We forgot to give out the flag bar. Did you give candy to the guy that just lost 160 pounds? This flag bar is going to

set him on a bender. Yeah, you're going to undo all the good work. Honestly, I think if he eats the candy, he will lose more weight through vomiting than he gained

through eating the candy. Enjoy your prizes. As delicious as any flag. It really tastes like flag. Note that I bought... It tastes like flag. This is a candy bar

that I bought on the sale rack of a battleship. Okay. We have a golf course related one here Golf course related Golf course Yes ma'am, come on up That's you ma'am

That's you Golf course related We should remember to have people write their names on here So I don't have to come up with a complicated thing That it's related to That doesn't give up a punchline Ma'am, what's your name? It is Sarah. Sarah, is that short for Big Mac tonight? Thanks, ladies and gentlemen. Sarah, tell us about your

momentous occasion. Jesse, can I just have a decide for a second? The next time somebody comes up, say, is that short for Burger King? Sidebar. Back to the show. Sarah, are you from Southern California? I live in San Diego, but I'm from Chicago. Did you come up for the show? We did.

Exclusively. Where'd you shower? I showered at my home this morning for free. Sarah, I'm really grateful for that. Well, look at you with your home shower for free. That's not what that is. Well, Mrs. Howell. I'm glad that you came up from San Diego because we did, if I remember exactly correctly,

we issued an edict that all Jordan Jesse Go listeners from San Diego to San Luis Obispo were required to come to this show. I follow orders. Thank you very much. You're welcome. That's why you're so, what was it, hot and enthusiastic to be on board this battleship? Hot nigger. You're the gunner, though. You're not the cum bucket.

That's me. Hey, guys. Smell like a linden tree for the rest of your life. Sarah, did you come up here from San Diego because you were going to go to SeaWorld, but then you saw blackfish? Precisely. That's what I was getting at last time.

Man. Nobody, I'm never going to see Black, this is a movie about orcas. I'm never going to see that movie. Nothing can stand between me and my orca hunting. Oh man, use the blubber to make lamp oil. That's like my time. I get out there in my dinghy.

You know what I mean? You load the harpoon. It's just me and my poonin'. You know what I mean? That's not funny, because a lot of people do do that on the weekends. They just go out and do that. You know, some people even do it on weekdays

during the work week. They'll call in sick and do that. My favorite thing about that whole thing is the rebuttal from SeaWorld where they were like, but no. Come on, be cool. Look at these penguins.

They're our little tuxes. We feeded them fishes. They like it. Look at them. They smile. So tell us, Sarah, right? It is Sarah Sandra, tell us

Tell us what your momentous occasion is Actually, it's cum dumpster Hey, whoa Sorry, Jordan Get a new job, Jordan Come on, Sarah Let's talk about this later So I like to set the bar low

So my momentous occasion happened today On the way here We took a wrong turn And it was fate that brought us to this golf course Where we saw a golf cart And there was a dog sitting in the golf cart But also walking alongside of it It was amazing

Which paws in, which paws out? The front paws were out Oh, shit! sitting in the golf cart, but also walking alongside of it. It was amazing. Which paws in, which paws out? The front paws were out. Oh, shit! Wow. Front paws out? That is probably what they do is dogs that have hip dysplasia. They will fuse them to a golf cart.

Because golf carts are notoriously wasted on fat men in ugly pants, wasting land. I've heard that it's actually the law on Catalina Island that all dogs use golf carts. It's actually the law in Catalina that all dogs go to heaven. Sarah,

you've really made Sarah you've really you've really made for our listeners at home Jordan said off mic sort of that wasn't really a good joke and then Dana turned and said to him sort of heartfully but it's a beautiful thought

there is a dog heaven there is a dog heaven And it's a beautiful thigh. There is a dog heaven. There is a dog heaven. Across the Rainbow Bridge. Yes. There's no cat heaven. Can I say... There's only cat hell. When my dog...

It's called dog heaven. When my dog died, a bunch of people sent me rainbow bridge related things and I was like, this was almost as bad as my dog dying. Yeah, and I think you have to do a ceremony when you go from being a brownie to a Girl Scout

where you cross the rainbow bridge, so it's really confusing. I'm like, no, I'm like a cat that's dead. And you actually listened to the Jimi Hendrix album. Sarah, thank you so much for coming up here. Sarah, don't go

without your flag bar. And just so you know, if you go to RainbowBridge.com, it's just a series of interracial gangbang gifs. Or jifs. We'll get emails either way. Rebecca, are you here?

Is Rebecca here? Rebecca, come on up. Come on up. Give her a hand. Rebecca, ladies and gentlemen. I understand you broke a dog's hind legs and threw it out of your car near a golf course. Says here on this card. Thanks.

Hi, Rebecca. How are you? Hi, I'm good. Rebecca, where are you from? Long Beach. Long Beach, California. Yeah. It's a nice place.

You call it the LBC. We do. We do. For those of you who are listening and you can't see, Rebecca is wearing the most scarf possible. Thank you. I would say it borders on a more scarf than head situation. It may in fact be a throw blanket.

It may just be a California king. But it's really cute. I love it. Your million watt smile belies the image, but you've the same shadow as a Tuscan raider. We're going to get emails about that. Rebecca, tell us, well, first of all, let's talk about Long Beach, California. What do you do in Long Beach? I do non-profit consulting. Right, so that's pretty cool. Like, let's say

I'll give you a scenario. You tell me what advice you would give. Okay. Let's say I'm on the Lower East Side of the LBC and I'm looking for a man, Mr. Warren G. What would you recommend? Going home? That's correct.

That's exactly correct. Give her a hand, everybody. The correct answer is Dr. Zaius. Dr. Zaius. Here's my impression of non-profit consulting. Yeah, it's cheap. Get it. Do you like my scarf? Rebecca, what's your momentous occasion?

My son walked for the first time today. Whoa, congratulations. Thank you. Front legs or back legs? He walks on his hands. Can I guess his age? Sure. What if I'm right?

I'm going to say... 14 years. No, no, no. I'm going to say a year and six weeks. No. A year and three months. Close.

Okay. Very close. I was going to guess two, but it's fine. He's late. It's not like I love guessing games. And one got super

fucked up for me earlier and this was my chance at redemption. Was he walking to anything? Toward death. He was walking toward the Grim Reaper who looms above us all at all times. We all are.

He likes to eat rocks. He was walking towards rocks, and he likes to... Was he walking towards a Ford Focus by any chance? Does your son really eat rocks? He puts them in his mouth. I try to stop him before he swallows. Maybe he just has a gizzard. Have you checked him for gizzards?

Not lately. Is it possible that your son is a ruminant? Well, if your son is anything like my daughter's, he'll grow up to be a lovely Chinese girl. So this, where is your son now? With my parents at home. Just cruising around, doing more stuff for the first time, you're missing it. Yeah, thank you.

Are they still walking? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Sometimes those are hideously timed. Junior starts to walk

the minute dad goes in the scamp. Just God's way of saying po-buddy's nerfect. Identical twins are God's way of saying, I'm out of ideas. Hurricanes are God's way of saying,

I'm not real. I'm not real. What's the next milestone for your son? What does a baby do next after he walks? Talking. Okay. So he's not talking yet. No. No.

Mm-mm. No. He says hi to the dog. That's it. That's all we've got. He doesn't say hi to you? No. No.

What kind of dog you got? A Ford Focus. Black Lab. I mean, That makes sense. It's actually very healthy to have dogs when you have kids because it exposes them to more germs and they have stronger immune systems as they grow up.

True story. He tries to lick the dog's butt. He will never get sick. Never get sick. He'll never get sick From dog shit related Illnesses But he will get unlimited wishes Or he'll get super high

So the next big thing is He will get fired from every pet store That employs him This is your only child? Yes Have you thought about having more children? Sometime, sure that employs him. This is your only child? Yes. Have you thought about having more children? Sometime, sure.

In the future. What does your husband think about that? He's good. No, he's against it. We just hear some steps running and then a splash. He died! If you could pick... Let me ask you a question, Rebecca. If you could pick let me ask you a question Rebecca

if you could pick any occupation for your child to grow up to have what would it be you can't say non-profit consultant it's too obvious stand up comedian

what Dana Gould is not only shaking his head obvious. Stand-up comedian? What? Wow. Dana Gould is not only shaking his head, he's shaking his head so emphatically that his cheeks are flapping back and forth like one of those slow-motion movies of a dog drinking water. Eliza and Dana, what advice would you give to

a one-and-a-half-year-old who wants to get up there and start doing some nice... He's got to open mics every night. Don't bring him to weird coffee shops in Burbank. Stage time. And know that you're right, the audience is wrong.

Let them feel comfortable telling them that. And edgy. Real edgy. Start with poop. No problem. He's hard to be alternative when you don't know anything. Or is it? Can I recommend something?

Yeah. If he wants to be a stand-up comedian, tell him that he's got to find his voice and learn English. Yeah, learn to talk. Learn to talk. Thank you, Rebecca. Thank you. Rebecca, here's your to talk. Thank you, Rebecca. Thank you.

Rebecca, here's your flag bar. Enjoy this flag bar. It's going to be great. However, if your child's first words are, murder! I'm kidding. I've been able to talk for like two months. He might be a sadist.

I'm going to kill you all. I'm kidding. I could talk for six weeks. Guys, I like that Rebecca involved a child. I like that Mac had the Doobie Brothers in his. Okay? Celebrities. Dun, toad, and Doobie Brothers.

Yeah, Sarah had probably the most adorable image. I'm going to give her that. And Amanda came through Joshua Tree with a coin-operated shower. I didn't even know that existed. And Amanda came through Joshua Tree with a coin-operated shower. I didn't even know that existed. And she was really nice about it the whole time that I talked about her and her husband fucking in the back of a Honda Element. By the way, Sarah was also really nice about it when I just said a bunch of fucking related things. So thank you to both Sarah and Amanda. But I got to say, my pick for the number one momentous occasion this week, 160 pounds later, the first time New Jordan Jesse Goat T-shirt, Phillip, ladies and gentlemen.

Or should I say, Captain Phillip. So you throw it on the floor. What's great is that Philip is basically already wearing the hat that a captain would wear when he wasn't aboard ship. Philip, ladies and gentlemen. Philip, I would ask you to try and look more like Bluto, but it's not possible. Also sort of a Donald Duck thing. I want to thank our amazing hosts here on the USS Iowa. What an amazing thing it was.

Daryl sent us an email that said something completely unrelated to battleships. And then he said in the PS, PS, I happen to be the events director of a battleship if you ever want to do anything on a battleship. And we were like, we literally just, I literally crossed out the rest of his email on my screen and just went straight for that. So we're so grateful. And Sarah's the events director of a Ford Element. We're so grateful to be here. I know this is such a weird thing to have on a battleship where probably mostly they have like, I don't know,

VFW pancake breakfasts. But no, actually, this is a really amazing, beautiful thing. Somebody emailed me and said they saw something on American Idol, maybe it was, or The Voice took place on this battleship. But there's lots of event spaces here. Adam Levine's been here. If you're ever looking for an event space in Southern California,

I'm jumping back on the ship. In fact, earlier today when Jordan and I got here to do our touring, right on the deck there was a bunch of hot chicanas having a rockabilly wedding, which was pretty tremendous. Finally, a chance to use my pickup line.

What's your favorite social distortion album? Regional Joke. You'll find your crowd someday. So they do lots of events here, and if you're listening at home and you're ever interested in coming and visiting the USS Iowa, which is parked in the port of Los Angeles in San Pedro, California, you can get 25% off just by going to the window and saying JJ Go.

And then you have to wink. And then optional jack-off motion. Make sure you don't say, I have to go JJ. And if you buy tickets online, you can type in the code JJGO. So a special thanks to our host here at the USS Iowa. Our guests have been Eliza Skinner and Dana Gould. I'm Jesse Thornton. This is Jordan Morris and Brian Fernandez.

Thanks so much, everybody, and bye. Bye. Go ahead and break them off with me.