Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 311: Orca Powers with Nick Adams

Episode Date: February 3, 2014

Nick "Repeat" Adams joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Disneyland, Jesse's new tree, and they take some sultry momentous occasions.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know what, Jordan? Hmm? I'm having, uh, carbonated water. And...

Go on. It's making me mildly herpy. Oh, man. I have a mild herpiness. Sure. I think that'll be great for the podcast. Because it adds an element of surprise. Sure, exactly.

And grossness. Surprising grossness. How do you think it ranks relative to chewing on microphone in terms of listener outrage if I start burping on microphone. I mean, OK, probably above chewing on microphone but below saying something disparaging about Doctor Who. That makes about the right amount of sense. So in the middle, roughly in the middle. We made fun of adult Disney enthusiasts last week. And by we, I mean Dana Gould did.

Well, I was on board. Bored. Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to disagree with the two of you. Hey, they look great in those denim jackets covered in pins let me i nothing says fuckability i i want to bring i'm not i am less confused by those people than the people who go to costume day at disneyland where it's like goth day or like dress up day there's one every year they have fancy dress up day at disneyland and a dozen people email me the photographs of fancy dress up day and say you should put this on put this on but they're like they're like victorian dandies i mean it runs the gamut sure

i mean it's whatever these people don't have multiple sets of clothes. You know what I mean? Like, it's just some wedding clothes and some stuff they got at a thrift store and some stuff. There's got to be some steampunk shit in there, too, right? Absolutely. Okay. No, I mean, it's significantly lower on the coherence scale for a group of overdressed people than the tweed run, which is where people wear tweed outfits and ride bicycles. The tweed run, I'm often impressed at how coherent everyone looks and how it looks like people may actually wear those clothes in other contexts successfully. Let's introduce our guest. He has something important to say.

He's one of our most beloved repeat guests on the program, a comedian, television comedy writer, Mr. Nick Adams. Hi, Nick. Hey, guys. What's up? How are we? We're talking about Disneyland. Here's the thing about this Tweed. Is that a real thing?

Tweed run? Mm-hmm. That's a real thing. Do they run anywhere near any significant body of water? They ride bicycles. Do they ride their bicycles past any significant naturally occurring bodies of water? The River Thames. And nobody is not, there isn't like a whole mob of people laying in wait to push every one of those guys into the lake.

Because that's what I would do. The jock run is a concurrent event. The tweed one starts at 2. Jock push kicks off at 2.15. Get about halfway, like nice and sweaty in your tweed outfit, and then ride it to the crick. Yeah. I just don't like the part about going.

I have no problem with people going to Disneyland. I'm not a huge Disneyland lover, but I went to Disneyland as a kid. Sure. When my son's old enough to appreciate going to Disneyland, we'll go down there once a year, once every other year. You know what I mean? We stopped by California Adventure. California Adventure. I don't know if I'd go that far, but the presence of a Patrick Warburton-voiced character certainly speaks positively of it.

Sure. I just... You can have the world's worst margarita. Yeah. It's something on the sign that says world's worst margarita. Oh, it says that at California Adventure? No, it doesn't. It's very bad, though. It's one of the worst things I've ever drank.

Really? Yeah. Where did you order that? There's like a Mexico land. Oh. In California land? Yeah. They're a sub-land.

There's so many things that are upsetting me about that whole statement. Is California land still classified as a disaster? No, I think it's fun now. Oh, really? Yeah. What do you do in California land? There's a fun Toy Story ride that is also a video game. Is that

the one where you pile up points? Yes. It's very fun. They were just talking about that on Stop Podcasting Yourself. Oh, it's great. Wait a minute. There's a Mexico land inside of California land that has a Toy Story ride that's also a video game. Oh, that's in, like, Boardwalk Fun Land.

Did you slip me PCP on the driveway? Nick and I carpooled. I dosed him. When you say that you drove over here, Jordan gave you some PCP and you carried the car over here. Nick, I'm out of gas. This is the lamest dad version of training day ever. Instead of murdering anybody, I just get high and do a podcast and go home and tuck my kids in the bed. Okay, so at California Land, they have Flying Through the Air with Putty from Seinfeld.

Sure. Which I support wholeheartedly. I support anything that Patrick Warburton is involved in. The tick. Since Patrick Warburton was on The Sound of Young America some years ago, and I discovered that he is exactly like Patrick Warburton in real life and has a perfect self-comfort and confidence and a total lack of self-awareness. Did he have a Jesus fish on his car? I presume he did. He is an exceptionally nice, like he's the guy that he appears to be on TV

when he's playing a version of that character that's not Shady. I kind of love that, though. So do I. It's great. It's the way to go. The show that I work on now, the show Men at Work, J.K. Simmons, who every, you know, he's the way to go the show that i work on now the show men at work um jk simmons who every you know she's the dad and juno he's in those farmers commercials but he's incredible and everything comedy drama he he's as a small recurring role he walks on the set and you like stand up yeah you're like hello sir you know like mr jameson yeah he is that guy i'll have that

story on your desk by tomorrow yeah I didn't give you a story. That's fine. That's fine. I'll do a rewrite. Whatever you say, sir. We will do our best to defame that dastardly Spider-Man. Yeah. But it's like you said.

He's a version of that guy. It's like sort of like – He makes you want to expose Spider-Man for the menace he really is. Chopping on the cigar. You think that all – you think that – I think I've said this on the podcast before. It's one of my favorite things. When Spider-Man came out and J.K. Simmons was J. Jonah Jameson, the J. Jonah Jameson action figure advertised, now with desk-pounding action.

I like the idea of a kid wanting to, like, push a little button to pound the desk. Anyway. With regard to Disneyland and theme days, it's too much for me. Yeah. I can't. I don't want. I mean, come on. No one's making you go.

What are you mad about? Oh, you're mad about people sending you pictures of it. You don't even want to see pictures of it. I don't want to see pictures of it. I don't want. Just go to Disneyland. Or dress up. You don't want to know to Disneyland. Or dress up. You don't want to know that somewhere adult nerds are having fun.

No. The knowledge of that is upsetting to you. I want them to have their own fun. Yeah. I want them to create a fun thing. I would much rather adult nerds go to a park and LARP. Which they do. Which they do.

Sure. Than go to Disneyland. Like, I feel like if you're going to go to someone else's thing, you know what I mean? Sure. It's fine. If you're going to be a consumer, be a consumer. I'm not going to, you know, it's fine. It's totally fine.

You want them to be somewhere that their tax dollars are paying for. I just don't want them to pretend like it's funny or – Sure. It's like – You know what I mean? Or clever. It's not. Well, the two things have nothing –

If you want to dress up in, like, old-timey clothes and go to, like, Colonial Williamsburg, all right. That makes – If you want to, like, dress up goth and go watch Morrissey at Hollywood Forever Cemetery, that kind of goes together. But you can't just take two things and slap them together. Sure. It definitely is the like we're freaking out the square thing that is so obnoxious. I think that there is like a gay family day at Disneyland. That one I'm for.

Sure. Because, you know, that's nice. It's a family activity. And if you're in a gay family, you know, you like to have an opportunity to be in a context where there's a lot of other families like yours, which is an unusual opportunity. What about gay steampunk families? Yeah, no, I think both of them should go. Sure.

Under the gay umbrella, though. There shouldn't be a separate steampunk day. In a gay minivan. The two families should ride in the same minivan. Or the same dirigible. Yeah. Kia makes a gay minivan. Yeah.

Is it the Sorento? I believe it's the Sorento. The Kia Sorento. Yeah. Is it the Sorrento? I believe it's the Sorrento. The Kia Sorrento. Yeah. But I think everybody should have to have a gay – like this country shat on homosexuals in such a massive, massive way. It's literally the least that we could do is like have Disney World a day. Have a day at the ballpark. Yeah.

Just have a day. But none of these things are official things. Where you get an ice cream sundae and a helmet, a batting helmet. That'll be $20 for parking. I think when Gay Day

at Disneyland became news, it was because there was some fundamentalist Christians groups opposing it. Yeah. And there, and Disney's typically robust defense was, ain't nothing we can do.

We just opened the doors and the gays came tumbling in. Queers will be queers. We waved the metal detecting wand over them and it didn't detect anything explicitly gay. All these erections are made out of wood. Yeah, there were no steel erections. No steel erections. No steel erections. Well, I mean, this is the typical, you can't ask these people to be logical because of who they are. But they're just going to Disney World.

It's not going to be a fuck fest. They're not doing anything gay at Disney World except for just being gay. What are you upset about? R.E. fuck fests at Disneyland. I'm from Orange County. I can speak to this. Yeah, exactly. I mean, we, growing up,

I mean, we had like, we had like annual passes. We had the like California resident annual pass and like, you know, we'd just kind of go for the,

you know, go for Sunday. Right. Kind of mess around and definitely like. They have those really good chili cheese fries. I'll just hop over.

Right. Yeah, exactly. Ha ha, make a wish kids. This was their one wish before dying. Right. I'm fucking around on a Sunday. This is something that I still feel like I missed out on was some second basing on Splash Mountain. You're kind of familiar with how the Splash Mountain ride is set up.

It's basically one person has their legs spread and the other person sits back into their crotch. Hold on. Yeah. I've never been on Splash. It's like luge style, basically. Yeah. It's a log flume, correct? We're talking about a flume?

Yeah, with all the charm of the old South, of Jim Crow era South. Is it Song of the South themed? It's Br'er Rabbit themed. Oh, okay. So, yes, it is. Yes, exactly. Okay. So, yeah.

So, you know, definitely that was the original Splash Mountain had that set up, and definitely a lot of my peer group, a lot of their first, second, and I don't think I'm speaking out of school when I say third basing happened on Splash Mountain. They listened to old school hip hop performed by two white guys on Splash Mountain. Right. That's what they did. Yeah, exactly. All of those, you know those pictures that they take when you're going down? Yeah. They all have the gas face.

Mm-hmm. Thank you. Third base, folks. Third base. There's eight Jordan Jesse Go listeners chuckling just a little bit. And tens of thousands looking with consternation at their phone, wishing that it would give them a clue. Here's the clue. B-A-S-S.

Yes. Yes. To the internet. All of you. And anyway, I was a late bloomer, girls-wise, so I never got the chance to. I just assumed you meant penis-wise. Yeah. My penis was sheathed for a while.

It was prepubescent until you were 16 years old. And then, boom! Literally bloomed. Yeah, exactly. And it started attracting bees, which was weird. But the butterflies were kind of beautiful. Sure, exactly. It's my duty to

help pollinate the world. Hell of a stamen, big guy. Yeah, right? So I never did any second, third basing on Splash Mountain. So second base is just- Like under the shirt. First base is kissing. First base is kissing.

I guess here's my regional base system I'll lay out for you. So far, I think I'm in agreement. First base kissing. Yes. Second base, anything kind of involving the breasts. Yes. Under the shirt at least. Yeah.

That's the goal. Yeah, and then third base is anything where a hand stimulates a genital. That's a pretty good summary. Yeah. It works well. I mean there's some – it's problematic, but I think all of the, no matter what your base system is, there's a problem with it. Let's say you're an enterprising young 15-year-old and you have your finger in a young girl's butt. For instance.

For instance. Let's just say. Is that just still third base? Because that's more advanced than. No, that's worse than kissing. By worse, I mean not as cool. That's like a walk. That's a ground up?

Yeah, exactly. That's a ground rule double. Passball. So, yeah, but the last time I was at Disneyland, they have now added separators onto Splash Mountain. Like boner separators? Yeah, boners to distance the genitals of the riders. Wow. Yeah.

So, I mean, even now, if I was to go to Disneyland with a special someone, it would be really hard for me to finger blast them. Man alive. I'll tell you what. My dad loves Disneyland. Man alive. I'll tell you what. My dad loves Disneyland. He grew up largely in Kansas City, but moved to Los Angeles in the mid 1950s as a 13 year old. And the year he moved to Los Angeles was the year that Disneyland opened. And so he went to Disneyland all the time throughout his teenage years.

And he still loves Disneyland a lot to this day. And I forgot what I was going to say about my dad. That's a pretty good anecdote. You love him a lot. I love my dad. Oh, here's what it is. I mean, first of all, he has a lot of weird early Disneyland stories that all involve Tom Sawyer Island. All involve going to Tom Sawyer Island and then getting kicked out of Disneyland.

So that's the first thing. I think they got kicked out of Disneyland the first week of Disneyland. I like how Disneyland still has, like, remnants of 50s shit. Like, there's still Tom Sawyer Island. Like that's still a thing. I think that's one of the best parts. Is there like just a random slave there who just doesn't know? Like there's just one guy deep in the heart of, like what?

How long ago? Oh, shit. There's just a Japanese soldier comes out of a hole. Too many gays. Okay, so. The Enchanted Tiki Room. My dad. It comes out of a hole. Too many gays. Okay. The enchanted tiki room. My dad. Speaking of delightful 50s racism.

My dad and family would go to Disneyland periodically when I was a kid because my father's parents lived in Orange County. And when I was 13, 14-ish, my father's disability was certified. So my father has post-traumatic stress disorder and is 100% disabled in the eyes of the state of California and in the eyes of anyone who's ever tried to work with him. This is Vietnam? This is Vietnam. This is Vietnam. Yeah. And he so he is, you know, he has disabled license plates and disabled everything. Everything about him is disabled. A disabled garlic press. And at Disneyland for the longest time, if you were disabled, they would put you at the front of the line.

And that was fucking great. That was amazing. Now, I'll grant you, was this system designed for people with mobility disabilities who couldn't stand in line? Yes.

That having been said, did you want to be around my dad after 45 minutes of standing in line? No. Was this related to his disability? Yes. Directly. Absolutely. You're talking about 45 minutes to two hours in the hot Orange County sun. Since it's California, we can all agree that there's always going to be a fair amount of Asians there. We don't know what's going to set this guy off. You're talking about 90 minutes in a large group of people with a man who believes himself at all times to be surrounded by danger. He's not wrong in that situation.

There's enough people around you. Somebody's dangerous. Yeah. A churro cart could go up at any second. So I had, when I was seven, eight years old, my dad didn't yet have this disability and, or didn't, he had the, he certainly had the disability, but he didn't have the, he didn't have the certification. He hadn't taken the test yet.

Exactly. That's where they clap behind you and they say, if you punch into the air. Pass. Get me out of here. That's where they have a Safeway truck drive past your front window and see if you flip the fuck out. Just an old version of, this is another version of the old Brady Bunch gag in the courtroom. It's the same thing. I don't know that old gag. There's a guy that is suing Mike Brady and has whiplash. And then Mike Brady comes up with the brilliant idea of knocking his briefcase off the table. And the guy spins around immediately signifying that he does not indeed have whiplash.

Ha ha. Zingo. So as a little tiny kid, Disneyland is obviously transporting and magical. And, you know, you're not worried about how long you have to wait in line for Star Tours. You're about to meet Star Wars that has Pee Wee Herman in it. But what does that have to do with Disney? It just seems like there's just – Tom Sawyer has nothing to do with Disney. There's a Disney Tom Sawyer movie in the 60s.

That's what Jordan's talking about. Yeah. It's just all this shit that's just thrown in. Listen to what I'm trying to say here. Then- Yeah, Disneyland is just a great little time capsule. I mean, so much of it has been redone, but there are still little glimmers of the lame shit 50s kids were into. Like coonskin caps?

Yeah, sure. So from 19. Pop guns. From the age of 12, when I. I guess pop guns are pretty cool. When my dad. I love that you had to go back and make sure that was on record. I was like thinking about pop guns.

You know what, America? You know what? Never mind. From the age of 12 till a few years ago, I had been to Disneyland numerous times. Oh, six, eight times. Always with my dad. Never had to wait in line. Always had a good time.

Then I went with my in-laws. My dad wasn't there. I had to wait in line. It was a fucking nightmare. Fucking in-laws, man. You have to wait in line like an hour and a half to ride one of these shitty rides. Here's what I think. Here's what I think one of these shitty rides. Here's what I think. Here's what I think you're not appreciating.

Here's what I think Disneyland does. The speed pass? Well, yeah, fast pass. Fucking upselling you. Yeah, right? Here's what I think Disneyland does better than anybody else. And every time I go to another theme park thing that does this worse, I'm always fucking pissed. Disneyland, the line tells a story.

That's true. You get backstory from the line, and it's like the ride is like the third act to a movie. Right. In California Adventure, there's a ride called Tower of Terror. It's Twilight Zone themed. And as you go through the line, you get this little story of a haunted hotel. It's really cool. Walt Disney's Twilight Zone. Yeah.

Walt Disney presents. Wonderful world of A Zone of Terror. Can't you just see Tinkerbell going ding? Yeah, and then a giant eyeball comes through a door. Yeah, so I like that. Oh, man, at Universal Studios, there's a Jurassic Park ride, which is the biggest fucking waste of a ride. I mean, there's hardly any backstory in the line. Are there dinos?

There's dinos, but they're okay. They're just kind of lame. Every time I ride it, I kind of just wish that it was at Disneyland and, you know. We're really missing – They played a video that featured – oh, gosh. Here's the guy who played Jerry's enemy on Seinfeld. Wayne Knight. Wayne Knight, yeah.

I wish there was a little intro video that featured Wayne Knight who was like, I'm shutting down the fences. Splurge, and just like every second, every first Sunday, Wayne Knight is there. Sure, absolutely. He puts you on the ride. He tells you to put your glasses in your purses. I kind of feel like now that I've been on star tours at Disneyland, I feel like all rides should have Pee Wee Herman.

Sure. Is that off base? It doesn't have it anymore. What? Yeah, C-3PO leads it now. You're fucking shitting me. They got rid of Pee Wee? Yeah, Pee Wee's done.

They had Pee Wee and they got rid of him? They did. They ditched him. Why did I even have a childhood? Why did I bother? Apparently the robot was masturbating too much. I've never been to Disney World. Land or world?

I've been to land is in Florida, correct? That's world. That's world. I've been to world. Yeah, land. I have not been to land. I did not care for a world because of the reasons we've talked about before. But I feel bad in retrospect because

I greatly enjoyed SeaWorld. But now that I've seen the Blackfish, I know that that makes me a horrible, terrible human being. Although I don't know if I saw the Killer Whale show. Are the other parts of... No, I have not seen Blackfish.

This is not something that I want to see. Yeah, I don't want to see it either. Blackfish is a documentary. I'll just take everyone's word for it and hate SeaWorld. I'm fine with just hating it on everyone else's recommendation. It's a documentary about an orca or killer whale in SeaWorld that's murderous. Crazy. Crazy, bad shit, 1995, mob deep, scary.

Like when you were really afraid of gangster rap. That's what this killer whale was like. When gangster rappers were actually shooting people, not like having flavored waters and headphones. So this orca pulled out a gun during a showing of Boys in the Hood? Tattoo across his belly. No, he was crazy. He killed multiple people, and then you find out that they keep him in these little

basically bathtubs at night. And they blast right of the Valkyries into the tank, and they show them images of atomic bombs. They pry their eyeballs open. And I'm not an animal rights activist by any stretch of the imagination, but it's— You're not a killer whale either. We should explain.

While we were driving here and you were on PCP, you told me to swerve and hit a raccoon. We should explain that I actually am a killer whale. This is not a joke. My wife is Native American. My father-in-law's tribes are Tlingit and Nisga'a, both Alaska Native tribes. And I was adopted into my father-in-law's tribe. There are two clans. There are Ravens, which is my wife's clan, and there are killer whales, which is my clan.

So I am. Did you get powers? Not yet. They haven't come. It's like Teen Wolf. When you get to a certain age, then your powers come. So I haven't gotten my powers yet. but i actually am a killer whale but yeah oh i was just wondering if if so conflict of interest yeah in summary i should say for the

record i was wondering if the animal cruelty extended to the other animals like are they are they making the penguins murderous? What about the dugongs? The walruses and the dolphins seem to be adjusting. I think it's just a size thing. I mean, it's literally like they have these, and that Tilikum was like a massive, massive, even for a killer whale. I think he was like a giant killer whale.

And they, you know, they can't let them have the whole pool all night, you know? So they just put them in like a giant killer whale. And they can't let them have the whole pool all night. So they just put them in like a closet basically. I think the question is when you're talking about housing an animal that big, especially if you need clear material, it's going to be difficult for you to build an enclosure that's large enough. The only answer is going to be transparent aluminum. Anybody who's seen Star Trek 4 knows. I definitely am part of that weird thing. I am someone who can watch, you know,

the most pornographically violent movie. I can play a Grand Theft Auto, but I am now to the point where I cannot handle animals getting hurt and things. It's upsetting. So like the cove is just out of the question to you. I will not watch a cove.

I will not watch a cove. It's great. I had to stop watching Justified. There was a season, like season two or three of Justified. I loved Justified. I thought it was great. Lots of people were getting murdered. And then it had like a little kid that was in danger.

I was like, ah! And I had to stop watching. Also, it had like a little kid that was in danger and I was like and I had to stop watching also it's just a cheat it's like threaten the child it's like like the toughest thug he is it's a kid

come on it's like the pay it forward thing oh you gave the kid cancer fuck you and fuck this movie like that's so easy to do yeah I consider Justified the pay it forward of

contemporary western television programs Justified currently in it forward of contemporary Western television programs. Justified currently in its 13th season, I believe. Yeah. Justified is great, by the way. I hear good things about Justified. Justified is great. There's too much TV, man. Can't watch it all.

Every now and then someone recommends a show and I'm just like, I'm not watching it. You're like, sorry. I'm just not watching it. I'm watching House Hunters International right now. Yeah, I can't squeeze that in. These people want an open concept and granite countertops, and I don't have time for your shit right now. Yeah, someone needs to call HBO and tell them to cool it. Hey, HBO.

Slow down. Cool it. Slow down. People are busy. Can I ask you? I have to ask you guys a question. Sure. Have you guys ever read the style section

of the New York Times? Every now and then. Even accidentally? No. I feel like sometimes something will go around because it's like bonkers and people want to make fun of it. I am sincerely baffled. Maybe that's the trend section.

That's the style section. It's full of trend pieces. Is there a trends section? That's the style section. It's full of trend pieces. Is there a trends section? There's no. They have the style pieces. Okay. There's a lot of real estate. Got your real estate stuff. You got your.

There's not a lot of. Here's the thing. There are these real estate articles that are just following a cute young couple. But the cute young couple is always trying to fit a house into their budget. And their budget is always two or three million, but they go for four. And it always enrages me. And it always enrages me. But then there was one that was about this girl who went to Columbia, NYU.

She went to NYU. I think I've seen this. And she moved out of student housing because it was too noisy. She wanted to find her own place. And that enraged me. Everything in the entire New York Times style section enrages me. Yeah, so what is it? It seems like every time someone is sending those around to say,

look at this, it's always like rich dicks not realizing they're rich dicks. How is it so toned? I think it's the tone. I think the problem is this. The New York Times is very careful about its house tone, right? It has a style and it sticks to the style. Among other things, it calls everyone Mr. and Ms. whatever. And so that style is built for telling a story about John Kerry negotiating, you know, a Syrian peace deal. Sure.

That guy deserves to be called Mr. It is not built for telling a story about some of New York's many rich people doing awful rich people things. It's fine to tell us that Chloe wants a building with a doorman. But Ms. Such and Such. Right. We don't need that. Columbia University Junior Chloe Feinstein is looking for a nice

two bedroom near the park. That's fine. With easy access to a lot of gluten free options. Sure. Chloe, that person is Chloe. That's not Ms. Feinstein. I have have generally a really hard time with all aspirational media. Almost all media is aspirational because of the fact that it's supported by advertisers. Sure. And advertisers want to advertise in an aspirational environment because if you are in an aspirational environment, it means you will spend your money to try and upgrade your life to be more like the things you aspire to.

Right. So are you just going to go full Duck Dynasty now and just only watch? Duck Dynasty is aspirational. Is it? Those guys are crazy rich. That's why they tell you about how rich they are all the time. Oh, huh. Those guys are crazy rich.

That's the whole thing. Duck Dynasty, they found a way to make aspirational television for, I'm going to say regular Joes. For just plain folks. Sure. With traditional values and opinions. Yep. About how happy black people were before the Civil Rights era. You know, a regular Joe opinion.

Sure. John Q. Lunchbox. To be fair, Nick, they sang a lot. They sang a lot. And it wasn't the blues. It was not the blues. Yeah. John Q. Lunchbox. To be fair, Nick, they sang a lot. They sang a lot. And it wasn't the blues. It was not the blues. Yeah. Everybody was happy. Everybody was in a good mood. Holy shit! He really said that to a reporter!

I'm just gonna stop the tape. I read that article I read that article that whole thing and one of the, I mean the whole thing's fucking bonkers. the whole thing is fucking bonkers. The whole thing is totally bonkers. But you can tell that the guy writing the piece knew it was – I mean obviously he's a right –

I think Drew McGarry or something wrote it. He's a right-thinking person. He's not a moron. He would hear this and be totally baffled by why this person saying these crazy things is a celebrity it's crazy it's totally crazy but just because the piece was what it was the narrative of it was the writer learning the writer realizing that he grew up privileged and by the end kind of understood the pleasures of this simple life where they, you know, would go out and shoot a crossbow at some cans. And at the end, I'm like, wait.

But the story of this is that's not the story. Guy meets guy meets people who he thinks are crazy, but by the end wants to be one of them. That seems irresponsible to me, too. Like, why does the story of that have to be guy realizes that, hey, maybe this is a way to live. It's basically what certain people, I'm not going to, what has happened in the media landscape is basically it wasn't me defense. Yeah. You know, the old Eddie Murphy joke, which shaggy or whoever turned into a song, like, you're caught cheating and your response is to say, it wasn't me. But I saw you.

It wasn't me. You said something horrible. Horrible. Hey, no, it's just a got you question. It's religious freedoms. Basically, it wasn't me. It's like, no, no, no. That dude copped to it, though.

Oh, sure. That dude never backed down. The whole time he never backed down. Yeah. He and his buddies were like, oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Black people were happy before Civil Rights Movement. They were happy.

Seemed like it. No, they were more Christian. Well, they were speaking their minds, Jesse. We're just speaking our mind. Oh, my God. First Amendment. First Amendment. Anyway, doesn't that guy, doesn't the guy who wrote that feel like a chump that by the end he has to make them out to be the heroes of this thing?

Anyway. It's his job. I know you can't write a takedown piece in GQ. That's not what GQ is for. The reason he's successful at that is those people are successful at grafting compelling narratives onto— Five minutes they spent with a celebrity. Yeah. A weird lunch they had with Tom Brady's girlfriend.

If you are one of these Today Morning Show hosts and you sit down with the president, it's like, this is going to be pretty light. We're going to ask you some questions about whatever. The kids. We're going to ask you what the kids are up to. A lot about Bo. Sure. And the president just out of nowhere is like, and then when we start this war with Iran

this shit is going to be... Hold on, I'm sorry. Go! I had no desire to talk to you about Iran. But I gotta follow up. So your wife taught Jimmy Fallon how to do the hustle, huh? You can skip over that.

And if you sit down with a guy to talk about his reality shows and his duck calls, and it turns out he's an idiot, that has to be the story. Correct? Yeah. I don't know. You don't want to lose your posh job writing for GQ. I get it. But the GQ audience hates those people.

Nick, you're not even 40 years old. I'm pushing 41. You're only 41 years old, man. Your orca powers will be set again any day now. My dorsal fin

will flop over. You'll become murderous. Nick, what do you know about what it was like for blacks before the Civil Rights Movement? I,

you're born in 1972. 73. 1973. It's just easy street already. At best, the Black Power Movement. At best. Eyes on the Prize was a work of fiction. It was directed by Oscar Michaud in his later years.

Those were all actors. Oh, man. What an idiot. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, guys, it's me, Jesse. I want to take a second to tell you about a conference that we're trying to get off the ground called Make Your Thing. Here's the deal. Basically, my entire adult life has been dedicated to trying to find a way in business terms to create a life built around creativity. You know, I had a vision for a creative thing that I wanted to do, and I had to dedicate so much effort to trying to find a way to build a business to support that. I learned a lot along the way and made a lot of friends who knew a lot about it along the way, but there really wasn't much support network for folks like that. to create this conference called Make Your Thing that brings together people who are trying to do small-scale creative work and companies who are engaged with people who are trying to do small-scale creative work in one place at one time. So they can all get together and share

secrets and connect and make friends and do all of the things that people in every other industry do all the time. It's going to be in October in Los Angeles. We have a totally amazing lineup of speakers and presenters. Like real geniuses of a thousand different creative fields. We have Jay Allison who's one of the inspirations for This American Life. And created this I believe for NPR. And is the producer of The Moth for PRX. Probably the greatest genius of independent public radio. We have Kate Beaton, who's one of the great

web comics creators. She's the creator of the comic Hark a Vagrant. We have an independent butcher. We have television writers, Jane Espenson. We have Chris Gethard, the great comedian, our pal Merlin Mann from the world of blogging and podcasting. Vernon Reed from Living Color, for goodness sake. A totally amazing, amazing lineup of folks. And I think the people who come to this are going to be even more amazing. It's not expensive. It's only 400 bucks, which, you know, is half the price or a third of the price of something equivalent that's not for indies. And I think you should get your tickets now because we have a 30-day Kickstarter and there's only like three weeks left.

So go to makeyourthing.la. That's makeyourthing.la to get your tickets now. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Joining in the rape box, Nick Repeat Adams. What did you call this? This is the rape box.

Just a soundproof box. In the middle of West Lake. Or podcasting. Podcastatorium. That's more fun. That's more fun. Let's go with podcastatorium. Let's go with podcastatorium.

Patent pending. You could. One that sounds like less, less like the name of a nightmare. Prefab podcast box. It is. Podcasts are popping up all over the landscape. They've never been hotter. Never been hotter.

They've never been hotter. Literally never. Just give the measurements, you know, bang it out, give us four to six months to construct it and ship it out to you, to your place in Chicago. Nick, you know that this is a prefab box that we're sitting in right now, literally. That's what I'm saying. So you're saying we should buy them from the company that makes prefab boxes and then resell them. But are they branded as podcast boxes? That's a good question.

That's what I'm saying. It's all about the branding. Branded as – You think Pringles invented chips? No, they tube those fuckers. I mean, what we can do. Tube them. So you're saying – Some guy's like, oh, how about a tube?

Tell me if I'm wrong about this. I think I follow. We go to this company that sells prefab studios. We buy a bunch of prefab studios. I'm thinking like 12. We grind them up. We find some sort of binding agent. I mean I think we need to –

And then we extrude them. Like a sausage. Yeah. I think maybe – and mean, I think we need to. And then we extrude them. Like a sausage. Yeah. I think maybe, and I mean, I think you're right. I mean, I think obviously this kind of box has existed for a while. But, you know, I do think we need to market them specifically for podcasters. I mean, I think, you know, instead of this insulation, we can just put up like, you know, like tips for podcasting. Like a sign that says

you know don't know what to talk about find out if your guest was a nerd growing up just other like helpful tips for podcasting i think that's really the only one you need right i think i'm gonna really blow some minds on the next podcast i get asked to go on and if anybody out there has a podcast i'd love to come on it I'm just gonna talk about how I was a bully and a jock at high school. And really fucking blow some money. Fucking hated comic books. Always fucking hated comic books. They were the fucking worst. I loved beating up birds.

It was great. Pushed them down. If they were different, I didn't like them. There was this one kid at my high school named Poindexter. Oh boy, did he get a pounding! And you know what? It made me really happy. I had a really happy childhood being a bully. I felt powerful. I would love to talk to you more about Alpha Flight, the Canadian superheroes.

But instead, I'd like to talk about a little thing called pussy. That's what I was doing. Nerd. Oh, man. Seventh grade was a big pussy year for me. That was really it. It was all downhill from there. No, I'm saying. You were in your awkward phase. I was all downhill from there. No, I'm saying...

You were in your awkward phase. I was in my pussy phase. I'm just saying the people who make these boxes, they make them for whatever use. Rape, podcast, whatever. Grow box. I'm sure there's a lot of weed being grown in these bad boys. You could totally grow weed in these.

Maybe both. Maybe sort of like rape slash weed, weed slash podcast. You know what I've been growing in here is those kind of hanging tomatoes. It's nice. Yeah, yeah. They're really – Good flavor. Good color.

I have this – I took a friend of mine to get his weed card the other day. Because he needed like a chaperone? I need to get mine renewed. Okay, okay. So me, I mean, this is a good buddy of mine, and he was always bogarting my stash. Right. And I'm like, just get the card. It's marijuana.

Literally never been easier to get. It's so, yeah. Highly. So easy. And this buddy of mine is a big tinkerer. Every time we make, like, comedy videos, he's the guy who does all the special effects and he's the guy who – he's one of these guys who will just dig in with like an after effects program and learn it. We play Street Fighter sometimes and he imports joysticks from Japan, takes them apart, puts new – like orders parts online from like Japanese websites and like modifies the joystick so it has the right amount of heft. Like this guy has like soldering tools to do this with.

This guy is putting like buckshot in there for heft. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. I like this. Totally. I mean he has – Got to get the sonic booms just so. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. If you're – sure. I mean you got to – I mean, you know, with frame rates like they are. Yeah. So this guy is like the – I mean, just such a different temperament than mine. Like I can never imagine tinkering with anything. Nothing makes me feel more insane than the thought of tinkering with something. You got a 3D printer, but once you figured out it couldn't make toast, you were out.

That was – yeah, I just threw it right in the garbage. Yeah. out that was yeah i just threw it right in the garbage yeah um so we so you know he's he's been he's been you know mooching weed off me for a little more than a year and i'm like okay i'm going i'm going to i'm going to renew the card you have to come with me you have to come with me i'm not gonna i'm not gonna take this anymore and so we went we went to the doctor's office the doctor's office you can't even say it with a straight face. Yeah. I got my new license, by the way, and it has my ailment on it. I'll show this to you guys.

It's pretty cool. It says California on it. See, there we go. Diagnosis? Not high. Exactly. Doesn't think Anchorman is funny enough. You do look pretty anxious in that picture, though.

Like, hurry up. I want to go get high. I've never looked crazier than I do in this. I want to go get high right now. Oh, my God. Yeah. This is a photo that they would be showing on Nancy Grace. Also, your pod card, I believe, is the flag of Iran.

Yeah, it is. This whole thing. Have you tried Iranian kush? The good shit. OG Iranian kush? The good shit. They can drink. They can fuck before marriage, but their weed is-

Oh, making it so high. This card literally looks worse than the ID cards at my 400 student high school. Sure. Like Glee Club or whatever, the school boosters made in the hallway on a laminator machine. $20 well spent. This, it doesn't even, it's not even full bleed. The color doesn't go to the edges. The doctor signed it on the back.

That's like a dot matrix printer. With a Sharpie he signed it. I believe that was. That's a legal document. I believe that was printed on a Lexmark. Just try and pull me over, LAPD. How long is the, how long are you interacting with Dr. Pot? Yeah, Dr. Blazoid.

Oh, God, the Pot Doctor this time, it's usually like a hot Middle Eastern woman. That's the like... Doc 420. Yeah, Doc 420, exactly. It's usually a hot Middle Eastern woman. In this case, it was a little old man in a sky blue turtleneck

and a gray sport coat. He's, I mean, probably 90. He had this little, you know, sky blue turtleneck and a gray sport coat. He's, I mean, probably 90. He had this little, you know, they just kind of buy these zones in strip malls. Yeah. And they give him this little office and he was playing classical music in there

and he took my blood pressure and asked me what I had. I love the blood pressure. Yeah, take the blood. He's like, we have to do one thing. We have to do something. We have to do a thing. All right.

It was either this or buy a bunch of tongue depressors, and that's just gross. Come on. Oh, so I'm making this. Strap in. I'm making this. So I'm taking my friend Mike. We both get these cards, and then we go to the... I took him to his first dispensary. We got to go in together, usually like he would wait in the car while I went and bought

a spot. Right. Are you not even allowed to go inside the dispensary? You are not. No, yeah. If you're not licensed, you can allowed to go inside the dispenser? You are not. No, yeah. If you're not licensed, you can't even go in. It's an armed guard situation. Yeah.

Well, I've seen the armed guards. These are locked down tight. Yeah. So, what's the green easy on third? Right there. Good work. Give me something free the next time I come in. That's what we have by the way

our audience we got one comic book store shout out to secret headquarters we got one pot dispensary if only if we could get a Thai restaurant we'd have a perfect

that's all you need what more and his initial so you know we had the We'd have a perfect – Yeah, right? Exactly. That's all you need. What more? And his initial – like so we had the – we had our bud tender going over all the strains that they had. And Mike's first reaction was – he was kind of listening to the whole spiel. He's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. I should start growing this. Yeah.

That tinkerer. Yeah. That tinkerer. Yeah. And he's like, we've got a balcony and I could probably set up some lamps if Margot would let me. Anyway, so he just immediately started like creating a pot greenhouse in his head. It was amazing. Like that spirit is just so ingrained. I was going to ask when you said he was a tinkerer. I was like, why the fuck is he not just cleared out some space in the closet?

Before he had bought, before he had bought Graham one had bought Gram 1, he wanted to grow it. Anyways, it's an amazing quality. I wish I had more of that. Would you say that you have a green thumb? Yes. No, I don't have a green thumb. I wish I loved horticulture so much. Horticulture.

You're an enthusiast from way back, Nick. I'm not trying to call you out. Yeah, fairly way back. Have you ever grown illegal plants? I have not. Have you ever had like a buddy that grows them? I've known, not buddy acquaintances. I've had acquaintances.

My wife was in grad school and there was a guy who was growing it just, like, on a shelf in his closet. Like, not even a full grow room. But my love of marijuana is surpassed only by my laziness. So. Unlike so many marijuana. So many industrious potheads. No, if I had a big house and a yard, at some point I would throw a plant in the ground and see what happens. But I don't have any.

It's so easy to just walk in and buy it. I don't have the patience to cultivate it. Can I say something about throwing a plant in the ground, incidentally? I went to the Children's Museum the other day with my son. There's a table there where they're giving away tree saplings. So I say, yeah, I want a tree. Just for free? Free tree.

Sure. Yeah. I'm not an asshole. Look, I'm pro-tree. Yeah. You know what I mean? You pay the taxes to go into that museum. You're entitled to that tree.

Down with carbon dioxide, up with oxygen. Let's do this. Let's control that erosion. So I got this tree sapling. It's like... Erosion. You know, it's some kind of a pine. It's like

one of these pines. It's a coniferous. Yeah, it's like a coniferous pine. Also, sapling sounds like an insult from like Leave it to Beaver. Don't be such a sapling. I got it home. I don't have a very big backyard. I have a pretty small front yard too.

And it said that I needed to leave like a three foot radius around it. So I didn't want to put it right in the middle of my backyard because then it sort of restricts the running room. So I sort of put right in the middle of my backyard because then it sort of restricts the running room. So I sort of put it in the corner of my backyard. And I had a trowel. No, not a trowel.

A lathe. Yeah. A lathe. David Spade was over. I had an awl. Right. I had a belt sander. I got up in there.

It's like you overprepared for this this free tree it's all leather back there and i i planted this tree yeah i got my boy scout leather working yeah i um i planted this tree and you know is – Was the idea for the child to like help plant the tree? Yeah, but my son is not. Sure. They said – they asked. They said, do you want your son to sign this pledge that he's going to take care of the plant and take care of this tree? Yeah. And I said, my son is two and a half years old.

You know, he can't even – if he looks, he can't even put a sticker on the right cabinet that he's trying to put a sticker on. You children's museum moron. He's sitting in his own filth right now, sir. And so I planted this tree, but I'm having deep second thoughts about this tree. Oh, yeah? But I don't want to be a tree killer I'm having deep second thoughts about this tree. Oh, yeah? But I don't want to be a tree killer. What are your second thoughts? What are you concerned about?

What if the tree grows? What if this tree is a success? And ruins your pipes and your – I don't know what trees do. They get in there, man. Yeah, they do. Right? It's like a – there's more than the eye can see.

Like under the earth, it's all sorts of crazy shit going on down there. And this tree doesn't benefit me in any way. This isn't a fruit tree. This isn't an avocado tree. What about its beauty? Oh, it's not very beautiful right now. I'll tell you, it's just a sapling. Yeah, well,

could it maybe be a home to birds? I mean, if the bird, I mean, my concern would be if the bird tried to sit down on the tree, could be injured. Yeah. Because there's no branches yet. It's just a stick pointing out of the ground, a six-inch tall stick. I'm deeply concerned that this tree may grow.

Jesse, I'm pretty sure that's going to happen. Like that part that you're worried about, like it's going to grow. So do I kill it now? Do I move it? I think if I move it, it'll just die. Okay, worst case scenario. Worst case scenario, you leave this tree and what happens? Are you just worried about unknowns?

It becomes a cyborg. To be fair, you did say worst case. Yeah, that is the worst case. Cyborgs are unpredictable. Potentially some kind of zomborg. Nobody loves cyborgs. A zombie cyborg. Worst case scenario, it grows taller.

I guess it could knock my fence over. Also, there were two kinds. One grew in a triangle shape like a Christmas tree. And one grew with a cloudy top and then a

trunk underneath. You know what I mean? Like a willow tree? Yeah, like a willow tree but without the hanging because it's some kind of fur. Here's something I think you have to be concerned about. Here's my point. No.

I don't remember which of these I took. Okay. You were in a daze. I don't know. I was in a... I was all hyped up on free tree. Sure. No, I get it.

What about the potential for climbing and or tire swings? Yeah. Is that an upside that you have not thought about? Number one, yes, that's a potential upside depending on which one of these two types of trees it is. I think maybe I picked the Christmas tree one because I felt like if I picked the other one, there was less tree and I was getting gypped. Yeah. No. You definitely want to take the maximum tree.

That's what I kind of remember, but I don't remember it with confidence. So if you planted something in your backyard that's going to be like a giant Christmas tree eventually, you just broke your son's arm. Yeah. Basically is what you just did. Yeah, well, because he's going to be swinging from the center of the tree like a maypole or like a tetherball situation. This is going to do a little like Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Yeah. Here's what I'm concerned about is that there are legal ramifications of this.

I mean, did you sign the Children's Museum pledge to take care of the tree? That is a document as legally binding as my medical marijuana card. I had an old man mark it with an X. Okay. He may or may not have been a doctor. He had at least some medical training. He took my blood pressure. He could have just been an army medic.

He offered you a tongue depressor. I love when the guy, when the pod doctor asks you, like, and what do you need this for? And you just resist every urge in your body just wants to go, come on, man. I know. I wonder what if you just went in there with the jokiest attitude. Because they're such crazy. I mean, this place had, like, green Christmas lights all over the waiting room. I mean, what if you just went in there like, time to blaze, boys.

Can they legally kick you out for acting like that? Oh, what is my ailment? Back migraines. And foot stress. Jordan, what if you just went in there and just sort of threw your hands up and went, wasting disease? Excess productivity? It's great.

Okay. If you have an answer to my tree conundrum, it could take down my fence. It's near my fence. Here's what I'm concerned about. If you – I mean, I don't know what kind of land your house is built on. But if you prematurely kill this tree, are you worried about ghost trees? Are you worried about the tree coming back for revenge? Undoubtedly.

Yeah. I mean I don't know if you are on any kind of like native land or anything. I should probably kill it. You're saying if I'm going to kill it, I should kill it before it gets cones. Yeah, exactly. Because those could be dangerous projectiles. If you leave the tree and it does pose some sort of problem, then you get to do maybe the manliest thing of all time, which is cut down a tree. Yeah. What if – how about this?

Right now it's six inches tall. this. Right now, it's six inches tall. What if I get like a little, you know, like a little pipe saw and instead of digging it up, I just cut it down right now. So you just want a little tree stump. Or a pair of paper scissors.

Your two children are holding the upside ends of the saw. Dress them up like little lumberjacks. Can you sort of mold it and do basically like a little bonsai, like, you know, just sort of keep it under control? I don't know. I aspire to.

Put it into a jar or something like that? I aspire to landscaping in my backyard. Topiary? Yeah, like an all topiary thing. I'm a real tinkerer when it comes to. yeah, I'm going to have like a Victorian garden. With walking paths, water features. It's about 15 by 15. Victorian child ghosts?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I might hire a landscaper I really don't want to dig it up because I'm kind of proud that I got it to stand up straight when I put it in and that it's not dead it's cool and it was free

you don't want to waste an opportunity I should have planted it in the hill by my house yeah maybe like a Craigslist free just put it on Craigslist I should have planted in the hill by my house. Yeah. Out in the wild. Maybe like a Craigslist free, like just put it on Craigslist. Anybody wants this tree, come dig it up. Don't even ring the doorbell. Don't bother us.

Just by the time, like then I just leave to go to the grocery store. By the time I get back, my house just looks like a construction site. It's just mounds of dirt everywhere. We didn't see the tree. Everything has been dug up. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat Adams. Hey, Jordan and I are on our way to SF Sketch Fest. If you're listening this week and you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, do not miss it. Don't be a dunce. Yeah, why would you? Why would you be a dunce? Take the Google bus up.

Hop on the Google bus. Just hop on the Google bus. Come on to the Eureka Theater, 1 p.m. They got a Google ferry now. Take the Google ferry. You know what I mean? Get in the... Hop on the Bing barge. Get in the dirigible.

Oh, Bing. Get in the dirigible. Let's do this. You know what I mean? Get out there. Saturday afternoon, special guests, Mr. Scott Simpson from You Look Nice Today, World of Stand-Up Comedy, Just Being Handsome, Mr. Rob Corddry from Film, Television,

Children's Hospital, Being Handsome. And who knows what else might happen. Probably just those two things. Most likely. Yeah, yeah, honestly, probably that. I don't know that we'll get anything else together, but that's good enough. You might do a Chinese New Year thing. Get some lion dancers in there.

Yeah. You know, hard to say. We'll probably just toss some firecrackers into the audience. Gung-hei fat choy, my friends. It's the year of the horse, so I'll be kicking anybody who gets too close to me. And on Sunday afternoon, I'll be hosting a SF Sketch Fest tribute to Coyle and Sharp. Our friend Mal Sharp will be there along with the two Mats from the Upright Citizens Brigade and James Richmuth from Casper Hauser. And we're going to be talking about the – probably one of the all-time great San Francisco comedy things,

Coil and Sharp. It's totally amazing. It's impossible to describe. So search for Coil and Sharp on iTunes and listen to a couple of their things and remember as you listen to them that not only are they hilarious, they're so hilarious that they translate 50-plus years later. And Mal is such a cool guy. We'll have such a great time talking to Mal.

So buy tickets for those two shows. You can find ticket links on our website, MaximumFun.org. There is a calendar right there, or you can just go straight to SFSketchFest.com. We'll talk to you in a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, When something momentous happens to you in our audience, we ask you to call us. Our number is 206-984-4FUN. You share your stories with us. We then, in turn, share them with our listening audience of thousands of people around this great nation and this beautiful blue marble that we call Earth. It's Earth. Do you want to take that again? Brian, can we take that again?

Jesse said Earth instead of Earth. Okay. Around this great nation and this beautiful blue marble that we call the Earth. You know, I think we've got to move on, so that's going to have to be good enough. Can I try it one more time? You can just, we'll do some ADR after you, we'll bring him in, he'll record it. Yeah. Can I just, I just want to take, I feel like I can get it.

Okay. I mean, we're going to go over time on the box, but sure. Okay. We're spinning in this great nation yeah and the marble blue i'm calling it you know you didn't even say it you just said nothing that was the worst one yeah that was the worst emotionally, he was right that time. Yeah. He had the right. Sure, sure. I mean, if we're going on vibe, that's what we were looking for. I felt like I was really singing.

We were looking for kind of a Carl Sagan, Cosmos. I felt like I was really singing that time. Yeah, but again, the problem is that you got most of the words wrong. I think it's about the feeling. And you didn't say the name of the planet. It's about passion. Follow your passion. That's like how Bob Dylan doesn't have a class of the planet. It's about passion. Follow your passion. It's like how Bob Dylan doesn't have a classically great voice.

Right. But his passion and his songwriting is so strong. People won't know what he's talking about. I think. Do people know what Bob Dylan's talking about? Yes. What? To sandwiches?

I think it's about a... Yes, sandwiches. Sandwiches. I think there's a song about a storm that's coming, and I can't. I couldn't. Honestly, I couldn't tell you. The moral of the story is that no matter where you are on this big, fat, round guy- Planet.

Go ahead. Sharing with us stories, dreams, momentous occasions. I'm just, I'm really not looking forward to what happens when you go electric. Get your finger out of there. Let's play a call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. My name's Joel, and I work at a country club, and my momentous occasion just happened. I'm here on a very early morning. No one is here. None of the members are here. No other employees are here. And I just pooped in the members-only bathroom. I am so happy. Today is going to be a good day. Can I tell you about

I used to just use every bathroom in the opera house in San Francisco when I worked in the opera house. One of my jobs was I would have to show up and then replace all the light bulbs. There's a huge number

of light bulbs in the San Francisco Opera House. And, you know, like the little ones on the sides of the rows of seats. Right, right. And so I would have this cart with a bunch of different kinds of light bulbs. And I'd just walk around just using every bathroom, drinking the little tiny bits of soda that were left in the soda chutes. You know what I'm talking about? Like the soda machine, you press the button, then a little bit comes out.

Even if the bag is disconnected, there's some left in the hose. I don't understand what device this is. It's a soda dispenser. But why is there no soda in it? It's disconnected from the bag. Oh, so you're just drinking this like, this like still soda? No, there's bubbles. It's like soda backwash.

Okay. It's just the soda juices that combine with the bubbles to make your favorite drink. Okay. There's only a tiny bit, so you just go rip, and then you get just what's left of the soda juices from the pipe. Because the pipe's not connected to anything anymore. Gotcha. Okay. There's only a tiny bit, so you just go rip, and then you get just what's left of the soda juices from the pipe, because the pipe's not connected to anything anymore. Okay, I see. Because they took that home at the end of the day. Okay, I see. Just in case somebody went around trying to drink all the soda.

Sure. Maybe a little floor popcorn every now and then. Can I ask you a question, Nick? Have you been to the opera? It's floor Slim Jims. They got soda, so it's not a big stretch. That's a good point. Point taken.

Just snorting up the Sopranos Coke, her little bits of Coke that she didn't do. Have either of you guys ever been to a country club? No, I don't think so. One time I got married at a country club. That's the only time I've been. And that go? That was great. This was a native country club in Alaska?

Orcas only? In Alaska, they don't have reservations. All the Native Americans have got country clubs. Wow. Pretty good deal. It's pretty sweet. It's pretty sweet. Mineral rights.

Yeah. They got the oil and the gold. They're living pretty fat up there. No, this is just like my in-laws live in a suburb of Seattle called Snoqualmie. There's like country club. They're not even, that's just, it's just a great place to have a wedding. So I don't know anything about that. It's just the local wedding spot. One of the many local wedding spots. What's another good example? Backyard. Big backyard. Sure. I don't know anything about that town, honestly.

Kingdom. Sure. I don't know anything about that town, honestly. Kingdom. Sure. Key Arena. Lots of people get married in the Key Arena. That famous library. It's just sitting there empty now. Yeah. So I think we've really rounded up some of the great-

Some of Seattle's hottest wedding spots. Not Seattle. Oh, that fish throwing place. Sure. Pike's Market. Yeah. It's actually called that fish throwing place. It's not- The technical Yeah. It's actually called that fish throwing place, isn't it?

The technical name is that, the colloquial name is Pike's Market. You may kiss the bride and catch this trout. Right in the grill. That's what they say.

No, I've never been to a country club. I still, I'm not really clear on why you go to one. Golf. Golf,

tennis, But also, why does it not, okay. And it's like, it's, you know, it's nice. It's because it's private and it costs a ton of money,

so the locker room is, like, amazing and the showers are really nice and the food is good and I don't know. So it's like a YMCA without the homeless. Yeah, without the... Do you have to pay for the food? Uh, I don't think you...

I think... Brian's saying yes. Brian's been to a country club. Brian owns a country club. This is just something – he's sort of slumming right now. I've never been to a country club, but I have been to a private club. I went to – I had a meeting. Our producer of – the producer put this on in London was a member of a private club and had a meeting with me there and they thought

I would be very impressed by it, I think. And it's just weird. It's mostly just weird. Was it nice? Yeah. But I mean, it was nice. I mean, it was nice in the way that like a nice library is nice. I guess there's no food at a nice library.

So that's an advantage at a nice library. That's true. So that's an advantage of the private club. I have a friend who had – who was in a wine and food show at Soho House here in Los Angeles, which is a private club. And I went to that and, yeah, again. I think it's – yeah, I guess I just don't – I probably, I have never wanted, I have never thought to my, there have been a few times in my life where I've thought, there's too much riffraff in here. I can probably count the amount of times on one hand. In general, I'm fine with a place being full of riffraff. I think that's fine. Are you fine with being in the same room as the rapper Riffraff?

Yes, the James Franco's character rapper Riff Raff? Yes. The James Franco's character was based on in Spring Breakers. That guy's pretty amazing. I would love to meet that guy. Sure. If I could be, I would join a country club of which Riff Raff, the rapper, was a member. I think my whole thing is, you know what's pretty sweet? Just being rich.

Like there's already a private club it's called being really really wealthy and living in a really nice neighborhood it's like you know in a nice neighborhood the library is better the community center is better the ymca is better but like america's so infatuated with richness that we had to like create other enclaves of wealthiness like fucking Soho House. Just go to a nice restaurant. Let me ask you guys a follow-up question here on this same line of questioning. Have you ever played golf? Jordan, I'm going to start with you.

Yes, I'm very good at golf. Just kidding. I've never played golf. Yeah, okay. Nick, have you ever played golf? I have not. See, now I could, Nick, despite the fact that you're an African-American gentleman, perhaps because of it, Tiger Woods, everybody. Am I right?

That guy's pretty good. I could imagine you surprising me. Jesse was actually introducing Tiger Woods. He's here. He's our surprise guest. I would have put the odds of you having played golf at 35%. I am not, I'm not anti-golf. It's just, like, I haven't played golf for the same reason I have never played lacrosse.

It just has never presented itself as an opportunity. I'm not. And my in-laws live on a golf course. Like they're literally like steps away from Native American gophers. No, I just have never had an opportunity to do it. And also at a certain age, I'm just like, I don't want to be shitty at something. It's like, why don't bowl more often? It's like, you go, you're like, this is kind of fun.

I should do this more often. Yeah, I'm not doing this. I'm not going to make a point to go bowling. Yeah, I feel like I love bowling for like five frames into it. I'm like, this is the best. I'm doing nothing but this. And I'm just so bored by the end. It's not.

Yeah. What about putt-putt? I like a good putt-putt. Oh, I like put bored by the end. It's night. Yeah. What about Putt-Putt? I like a good Putt-Putt. Oh, I like Putt-Putt. That's a lot of fun. When I was growing up in North Carolina, there were, I'm pretty sure these were regionally televised, but televised Putt-Putt competitions. What? Wow.

Yeah, like a nice Sunday afternoon to sort of, not rednecks. Were they between the blacks and the whites? No, it wasn't broken down on racial barriers. Based on what I saw, it seems like the white guys had sort of cornered the professional, semi-pro putt-putt market. I know this would be, this would probably be the most obnoxious,

hipster thing in the world. But if there was like an after-hours drinking putt-putt place, I'd probably go to it. Yeah. I could think that would probably be pretty fun. No, because there's like that three hole. That's like a nine hole place in like Atwater, right? Like right on the other side of the five.

If they just had some fucking thing with Uber and they're like, come get shit face and take a car home and play golf. Absolutely. Like a challenge. Like on the eighth hole, you have to chug a beer. Right, right. Yeah, sure. One of the worst fights. Oh, I would do that., you have to chug a beer. Right, right. Yeah, sure. One of the worst fights. Oh, I would do that and feel so bad about it.

Absolutely. One of the worst fights I ever had with my dad was when I was about 17 years old, and he and my brother and I went to play miniature golf, and I beat him just barely in the first round. And he announced that we were going to play another round. And I said, I want to go do the batting cages. And he thought that I wanted to go do the batting cages because I prefer batting cages to putt-putt.

But he thought I was just saying no once and always champion. Right, right. And he flipped out on me. He flipped the fuck out. It was like we were screaming at each other on this miniature golf course in front of my brother. My poor brother was like nine years old, you know, and he had finished third. Your dad, but it went you, your dad, your brother. Yeah.

Okay. And, yeah, we screamed at each other for 15 minutes. And then I, I mean, I just went and played and did batting cages at the Family Fun Center. Did you, like, slide in? The aptly named Family Fun Center. Did you try to slide in any sort of, Vietnam references suddenly just to sort of throw your dad off? Like freak him out? Like maybe think he was like, Dad, no, we're done.

Get up to the flight deck. Yeah, I'm just going to go to the LZ. What? Let's take another call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is new listener Josh in Orange County. I was calling in with a momentous occasion. This morning I was driving to work, and I passed a guy on the street,

the only guy at a bus stop, and he was in his late 60s, it looked like, and he had warm clothes on, and his cane was resting against the bench of the bus stop and he was doing push-ups and i thought that was great uh old guy getting fit doing push-ups in the bus stop thank you guys and uh love the show bye i'm a i'm a big fan of this momentous occasion. First of all, I want to say that. It's great. It's just generally, I don't even have any snark. But it's just great.

But that's two creepy phone sex voices. Guys, when you call the show, pull your pants up. Let's talk in clear conversational tones. Maybe just a deep breath before you start talking. So you have a lot of energy and you're sort of up. Yeah. Smile while you talk. If you smile, we can't see it, but we can hear it.

You're smiling. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, guests. My name is Frank. I'm calling from Fresno. Feeling pretty good right now. I saw a baby duck standing on top of a goat's head

Jordan, Jesse, Go this is Pete from Des Moines my baby son who I love with all my heart I mean when I say I love him with all my heart I mean I feel like I didn't

know what love was until my son was born anyway I just gave him his first Werther's original and he says daddy this is the best I just gave him his first Werther's original. And he says, Daddy, this is the best dinner I've ever had. I mean, can you believe how cute that is? Jordan, Jesse, Ghost, Craig.

Calling from down here in Angola. Just served 37 years in prison. Was recently exonerated because of the DNA evidence in the Innocence Project. And every day truly is a blessing. Right on. Jordan. Jesse. Go.

My name is Brock. I'm calling from Washington, D.C. Just to dress the nation and share my priorities for the future. I think Boehner was into it. He didn't applaud a lot, but I know that guy. I know his heart. You don't see the same guy that I see. Jordan, this is Angela calling from Germany.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you. I'm Barbara Gray and I'm weird for beards. I'm Tess Barker and I have good taste in bad ideas. I'm Brandi Posey and I've been dead the whole time. We're Lady to Lady, a new podcast on Maximum Fun. It's the three of us girls, a fourth girl that we invite to come hang out with us, and sometimes characters that drop in. We're weird.

We're fun. We're here. We're queer. We're here. We're weird. We're fun. We're here. We're queer.

We're here. Just keep doing that. We're weird. We're fun. We're here. We're queer. We're here. We like beer. You can find us on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. See you soon. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat Adams.

It's been a pleasure having you back on the program Nick it's been too long tell me about this television program that you're writing on I just we just finished season 3 of the TBS show

Men at Work which is currently airing Wednesdays at 10pm it was a lot of fun it's got the old Danny Masterson from that 70s show

it was created by TV and Films Breck and Meyer. It's a really fun show. That guy seems like a fun guy. Every time I see that guy on a talk show, he acquits himself exceptionally well. He's a lovely, charming dude. Like, you meet someone like that in person, you're like, okay, I get it. I see why you've been doing this for a couple of decades.

And he's funny. He does a lot of voices. He does, like, voices on Robot Chicken, which he co-created with Seth Green. Seth. Yeah. And does a hell of a McConaughey. Pretty funny guy. Great guy to work for.

I like a good McConaughey. Who doesn't like a good McConaughey? Matthew McConaughey probably. There was a hot second win. I think maybe even Danny Masterson was at the height of his fame where people were telling me that I looked like Danny Masterson. And I think I was annoyed at the time, but I welcome. I would really love to welcome the day when people tell me I look like Danny Masterson instead of the other people. People tell me I look like.

Who are the other people? Jack Osborne is a big one. Ozzy Osbourne's terrible son. Yeah. Anyways. Patton Oswalt, who I'm a fan of. I'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger fan of Patton Oswalt's comedy. It's comedy.

You have better hair than Patton. Thank you. Much better hair. America, here's the rule. Is this person famous for being attractive? is this person famous for being attractive if being attractive is part of what they're famous for then you can say so and so you look like such and such it doesn't they it's not about them being famous for being ugly almost no one is famously ugly sure like willem dafoe and that's it just just and at least i still fuck will. I'd still fuck Willem Dafoe though.

I mean, to be honest. He's great. Let's be honest. He's great. I mean, you guys saw, you guys saw Antichrist, right? Who wouldn't fuck Willem Dafoe in that movie? You can say you look like blah, blah, blah, only if blah, blah, blah is a person who is famous for being attractive.

For being attractive. And you can't put any qualifiers on it. Like, you can't say you look like a the fat version of somebody. And you know what? Older. And I don't want to hear positive qualifiers. Sure.

You can't say a taller... Yeah, you can't say, oh, you look like a... A taller Clint Howard. Like a handsomer Steve Buscemi. Sure. You know what I mean? Because that's not Steve Buscemi.

I still remind you of Steve Buscemi. Yeah. And then what I mean? Because that's not Steve Buscemi. I still remind you of Steve Buscemi. Yeah. And then you can't, right, and then you can't say, but they're so funny. They're so good in this. You said look like. You weren't complimenting my humor or my acting ability or how good I am on Boardwalk Empire. Yeah, if you said to one of us. You are as good on Boardwalk Empire.

You're as good on Boardwalk Empire. You look like a much less creepy You're as good on board. Yeah. You look like a much less creepy Paz de la Huerta. Okay, if you want to email us, it's jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

Our telephone number 206-984-4FUN. Buy your tickets now to see us at SF Sketch Fest or come out to Make Your Thing. MakeYourThing.la. It is a Kickstarter. It is time

delimited. There's only a couple of weeks. So make that a priority in your life. Our producer, Brian Fernandez, Sonny D over there on the boards. Our guest, Nick Adams, writer on Men at Work. Watch that on the TBS network. Check it out. Very funny. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse

Go. Adios. Check it out. Very funny. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Adios.