Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 312: Sex Bike with Aisha Tyler

Episode Date: February 10, 2014

Comedian and host Aisha Tyler joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Shia LeBouf's penis, Jesse's crack rock experience, and burning man. Plus, Aisha and Jordan give Jesse advice on what to say to high school students at his alma mater.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Enjoying wintry temperatures here in Los Angeles. For those of you checking in, I'm talking about the mid-60s. You know, and it's nice. We've gotten not a lot of rain. We're still in a drought situation here. Severe drought from what I understand. We did get a little bit of a drizzle.

And I think that's really nice for L.A. because it hadn't rained in a while and, you know, it was getting hazy. It was either all the smog or all of Shia LaBeouf skywriting. Hey, Jordan Morris! I thought of that when it rained. Ha ha! Shia LaBeouf's skywriting. Oh, Shia LaBeouf. He's a bottomless well.

Let's keep going back to that well. Has he done anything, besides acting crazy, since he was indiana jones yeah i remember that that was a big deal and that he had hippie parents well lil indiana jones but yeah oh he's he was lil indiana jones usually they'd get a sound alike but i guess his career had fallen thanks to the regular indiana jones to the point where he just had to go ahead and be little Indiana Jones. Yeah, I mean, I think Shia LaBeouf will continue to still be in movies. I think he's going to be nude. Is he good? No. He's going to be nude

in this Lars von Trier movie coming out. But maybe he'll be good in that. Maybe this is his chance to be good. I wouldn't say that. I think once you're in a Lars von Trier movie, you can punch your own ticket. Absolutely. That's the ticket to Hollywood stardom is Dogma 93. Wait, 95?

95. When did they come up with that? Our guest, Ayesha Tyler, has a comment about Lars Van Trier. I do. Oh, my God. How have I remained silent for this long? First of all, Tyler. How did you not laugh uproariously at my great joke?

Because I'm a comedian and I laugh on the inside. Ayesha, incidentally, is the host or co-host of most television programs and podcasts. She hosts Whose Line Is It Anyway, which has returned to the CW network. She hosts The Talk, which is on television stations around this great nation. All over the nation. She hosts the Girl on Guy podcast. I do that as well. Smash It Girl on Guy podcast.

And, you know, she's up to other stuff, too, besides, like, my favorite show, Archer. I do. I do. And, yeah, Archer. I do that as well. Smash It Girl on Guy podcast. And, you know, she's up to other stuff too besides like my favorite show, Archer. I do. I do. And yeah, Archer. I do Archer too. I have several things to say to the two of you. Okay. Number one.

First of all, Shia LaBeouf is a genius. No, you're right. I was wrong. I'm sorry. He's amazing. He's a deep human being. When you said he was a bottomless well, I swear I thought you were going to say he was a bottom.

And I think he is a bottom. In my dreams, he's a bottomless well, I swear I thought you were going to say he was a bottom. And I think he is a bottom. In my dreams, he's a bottom. He's my bottom. And you'll see. He'll show you all in this Lars von Trier movie where he has actual penis and vagina sex. He puts his penis into another person's vagina on camera. For the first time in his whole life, I hear. Apparently.

Well, I think he practiced. In fact, I think how he got the job was – like Lars was saying, whoever does this movie has to make sweet, sweet love to their co-star. And so he made a movie – Lars von Trier. Lars von Trier. To me, strange German creep. Is he German? Is he Austrian? Is he Swedish?

Lars von Trier is Dutch, I think. Once you go like north of France, it's just all one big glop. One big frozen glop. One big very chilly drunk glop. Sometimes pickled. And they're angry. They're like a dark angry. And they're not as blonde as you would like them to be.

I wanted it to be like really blonde up there. But it's just the same as just like New York with a different accent. But he sent Lars von Trier a video of himself doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't know what that means, look it up. Doing it with his real life girlfriend. He sent a homemade porn video into Lars von Trier to show how brave he was.

Then he made a terrible video, a terrible music video with the Nordic rock band Sigur Sigur Rós. Sigur Rós. Noted gentleman. Sigur Rós.

Sigur Rós. And you could pronounce it a hundred different ways and that one would be right. Yeah. Somewhere a hipster is mad. Somewhere the furious. No matter how you pronounce it. It's pronounced Sigur Rós. I have been sticking to, all these years later, I have been sticking to Bon Iver.

I will not say it any other way. I know. I am saying Bon Iver. I know. been sticking to Bon Iver. I will not say it any other way. I know. I am saying Bon Iver. I know. I still say Bon Iver because I think it's cooler. So you and I are on the same page about everything but Shia LaBeouf apparently and sent him a homemade video and then made this terrible rock video for Sigrith where he can see his penis. You can see his penis. It's full frontal nudity in this music video.

And I was so angry when I watched it. You know when you watch art and you can't decide if it's bad just because it's bad or if it's bad because they decided one day to get up and outrage you personally with their shitty art? So I was like, they

woke up. They're like, let me mess with Aisha by making a terrible music video and putting it in the world so that she will someday watch it and then literally a vein in her head. She'll have a stroke. And I had like a mini stroke. Was it just the penis or were there other parts of this video that you didn't like? It was like performance art. It was like Nordic performance art. They're from Iceland. And you can't judge Icelandic people for anything because they eat rotted shark meat and they don't know where they are because they're drunk on fermented flesh.

So what do they know, right? They're just like, where am I? I just peed. I just peed. Am I a shark myself? A ligament, right? I'm starting to think that. Right?

A ligament. Maybe I'll eat a barrel of nails. Wouldn't that be great? I don't even know if that's a lyric to a song, but if it is, it should be. They're barely a country. They're more of a shady bank, a group of people who've come together in the form of a shady bank. Three incestuous who've come together in the form of a shady bank. You know what they are? Three incestuous people

with the same name. It's just two girls and a guy and they just keep making babies and then disappearing those babies. Take that Iceland! Suck on that! Hot topics on Jordan Jesse Go today. Finally we're punching up! US versus Iceland! If Shia LaBeouf came into the

sound booth right now I'd throw you both out and have sex with him. And I wouldn't even care if he watched because that's how I feel about him. Well, he's doing it so he can become a guest on our podcast. He is. He's like, I will. We demand sex tapes. Demand sex. From all of our male guests.

Full frontal, full public penetration. Can I ask you? Shot on your iPhone and not on a 5. Please on a 4 or older. I have a question about Shia LaBeouf. It's just warmer on those earlier iPhones. I have a question about Shia LaBeouf. It's just warmer on those earlier iPhones. There's a richness.

The video is warmer on the iPhone. It's not a 3G. You know, that was- Right? It's not analog, but it looks shitty like analog. Yeah. And so it makes us the comfort of- If you're going to edit it, can you edit it on a Macintosh? Not a Macintosh computer, a Macintosh tube amp.

Can you edit it on a Macintosh Apple? Can you get an computer, a Macintosh tube amp. You edit it on a Macintosh Apple? Can you get an Apple? Just print it out for us on a dot matrix printer. Mail it in. Chop it into shapes and make it into a little diorama. I want to ask this question about – A shoebox diorama. But made of dot matrix printer paper, so you push them together.

I want to ask a question about our friend Shia. Okay. paper so you push them together. I want to ask a question about our friend Shia. Okay. He seems keen to display his manhood. Yeah, he wants everybody to know. Can I curse on this show? Yes. Because I've already done it several times.

Yes. Is there a reason for the season, so to speak? Disney. Does it improve the penis in the eye of Disney. Will him showing his penis improve his reputation?

It's not an impressive penis. It's not a notable penis. It's a standard shoe, workman-like, average, serviceable. I mean, apparently it works. We know it works. Most penises are in the normal range. That's unfortunately how it is.

Right. So – Nobody likes a show off. Right. Okay. I just wanted to check whether that's what it was about. Whether it was about he was – He's like, my penis is awesome.

He's given an awesome penis in some way. No. It's very – It's ribbed. It's a hipster penis. It's very bearded. You could wax that into a shape, I think. Sure. It's that he wants. It's a hipster penis. It's very bearded. You could wax that into a shape, I think. It's that he wants you to know he has a penis. No, it's that he wants you to know he's brave.

Yeah, but I think you're right. I think because he was a Disney Channel kid, although I'm not really sure what Disney thing he came from. He came from the show called like the Persnicketons or the Jacksons next door, the Caucasian family. What was it called? The Whites. The Whites. The Whites. The Whities. The Whities. The Crackers.

It only took us seven minutes to get to race. Yeah. I'm happy about that. Even Stevens. Thank you. I think Persnicketins was very close, by the way. Even Stevens is actually very close to the Whiteys. I like the idea that the Persnickety's is just a Disney Channel show about a really fussy family that has a lot of allergies.

OCD. And everybody has a peanut. Peanuts. They're touching like upholstery. That's their catchphrase when they say, is there peanuts in this? The crowd cheers. It's the Whites. The Whites was a show that starred Louis Anderson that used to come on after Moesha.

What? Ladies and gentlemen, let it wash over. Oh, yeah. It seems like your Shia LaBeouf, your Miley Cyrus, your everybody from Spring Breakers. Selena Gomez. Yeah. All those little adorables. It seems like they all, when they reach a certain age, feel like they have to do the craziest possible thing.

Radical departure. But not just a little turn, but like a radical leap forward. Right, exactly. Something shocking. I would like to have seen one of them. The problem with the plan is that you're doing it with Lars von Trier, who I think at this point,

20-ish years later, has basically burned off his Dancer in the Dark cred. Everything since then has been miserable. I think everyone was like, holy shit, have you seen this movie? Bjork is so powerful, ish years later has basically burned off his dancer in the dark cred like i think i think everyone was like holy shit have you seen this movie bjork is so powerful it's so amazing blah blah blah blah blah blah blah that was kind of uh a while ago i liked breaking the waves i mean i like breaking the waves you like way like uni which is like if i tell people i don't like it they're gonna think i'm not cool so i liked it you know antichrist is bananas but it's a great

movie right i think yeah i really i really. I mean, it's fucking crazy. Awful. But like awful is what you mean to say. But it is like a movie, like it is a well-considered bananas movie. Like he's not just being crazy for no reason. Like he's being, he's trying to say something that is a thing. Would you feel different if instead of being in this real penis in vagina movie that's going to be in theaters. Every time you say that, I feel so much joy.

Instead of being in this particular one. Simultaneously to Video On Demand. It's called Nymphomaniac? Yeah. Is that what it's called? No, Video On Demand first. Oh, okay. Theaters at 10 days later.

So instead of being in that film. So I can jerk it to the movie at home first and then go see it with friends and not feel like I have to jerk it in the theater. Because that way when you jerk in the theater, you'll know exactly what point to start, when you can finish before someone notices. By the way, I have been in a movie theater when someone was jerking off. What was the movie? I love this story so much. The Lion King. Dude, The Phantom Menace.

Oh, well. Yeah, well. And I'm sorry to make it about race, but 11-year-old Asian kid. Star Wars was back. 11-year-old Asian kid under a down jacket. Was it- Right next to me. Was it to anything in particular on the screen?

Was it just the art direction? It was to being out of the house where his parents couldn't see him. Sure. Just out of the house where mom and dad weren't going to be shamed and losing face. But it wasn't just because Queen Amidala was so beautiful that he was overcome. It was just like- Lightsabers just make me hard. And who doesn't get a boner when they see a lightsaber?

I mean, it is basically a weaponized space boner. If he was masturbating about Jar Jar Binks, if it was about Jar Jar Binks, then I think he needs psychological help. But if it was about the Droid Army, who doesn't want to bone out to the Droid Army? Oh, I mean, come on. They're great. Yeah, I mean, it's hard to masturbate to Jar Jar Binks because you're so busy laughing. Right. You're so busy laughing. Right. You can't stop laughing at his super more than slightly racist.

Returning to my question here. Yes. Would it be different if he was not in Nymphomaniac, directed by Lars von Trier, but was instead in that movie that John Cameron Mitchell, the guy who made Hedwig, made that also had penis and vagina. Short bus. Short bus. I haven't seen short bus. When you say the guy who made Hedwig, I just think of a stubby penis. And I think that's just not.

I think his penis isn't stubby. I think it's diminutive. I think those are two different things. It's modest. It's modest. And you know why? Because it doesn't have an overinflated sense of itself. You know what I mean? It's a sense of its place in the world.

Short Bus got a little caught up in we have to find a way to shoot a movie about fucking in a way that seems like it's an actual movie. Right. And not just porn. And not just porn, but forgot to have a plot. Right. A little bit. But everything else besides the fact that it doesn't really have a plot is great. Nymphomaniac has a movie about fucking that's about fucking, and in which literally the O in nymphomaniac is a vagina.

And if in case you didn't know what nymphomaniac, what it meant, or what a movie called nymphomaniac might be about, there's a vagina in the title. I like to imagine it's one of those movie posters where it has the title and then underneath it has like a dictionary style font definition of what the word means. Someone who likes to have a penis inside of their vagina, which is why we drew it on the poster. He stole his entire short film from Daniel Klaus. Is that correct? Yeah.

His entire short film from Daniel Klaus, is that correct? Yeah. So he, I guess, yeah, shot a short film starring Jim Gaffigan, I guess, that is, I guess, just lifted pretty exactly from a Dan Klaus thing. Yeah. You lost me, Jim Gaffigan. Yes. Gaffigan's great. I know.

He's amazing. Did you hear about this thing that he did? No, no. Tell me about this thing. It's scandalous. So Dan Klaus wrote a comic. Have we worked out where he came from though, Lars von Trier?

Probably Dutch. Russian gulag? I've settled on probably Dutch. Monaco? He was, I think Lars von Trier was born inside that criminal pit

from Batman, from the Dark Knight Returns, Dark Knight Rises. Creepy filmmaker Rises. Creepy filmmaker rises. Yeah. So he likes – That's why he likes low lighting. That's why he likes low lighting.

Exactly. Sure. It reminds him of – Natural light. It reminds him of the – The darkness of the pit. Of the warrior pit. And what were they chanting?

Like, why is this movie still going on three hours so very long? Shouldn't this be a separate movie? I think you could make three movies out of this the way that they did The Hobbit. That's how they try it. That was a loose translation. So ask your question. You're never going to get an answer, but let's go. Dan Klaus wrote a comic and apparently a short film that – what's our friend named?

Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf entered in festivals, was fully in festivals, starring Jim Gaffigan, a legitimate actor and truly great stand-up comedian, was essentially a word-for-word ripoff of this Dan Clowes comic, including literal framings from the comic. Oh, dear Lord. He was putting it in festivals. Maybe he saw it on Google Docs and thought it was just public domain material. Thinking no one would notice. His next movie is Camptown Races. Finally, the beloved song comes to the big screen.

Can't do fairy tales, ladies and gentlemen. If he's interested in creating a controversy, I think probably filming Camptown Races is probably a good way to do it. Not to bring it back to race. If there's penis and vagina sex in Camptown Races, then I think you have a film. Camptown Races being America's most beloved minstrel tune. Let's do it. Doodah, doodah. Take off your pants.

The most beloved minstrel tune about prostitution. The Camptown Racetrack isn't the only thing that's five miles long. Now, and then he apologized in skywriting. He apologized in skywriting, but then kind of like shittily took it back and then did more skywriting, negating the apology. He did more skywriting. I think he maybe just has a crush on the girl who works at the skywriting place. He's just like, I'd like to make a grand gesture that no one will ever see. Except for these four tourists that are sitting on the beach paying $30 for parking. We should start a show where it's just the three of us girls sitting around talking about the hot issues of the day.

We can call it the issues. Okay. That's good. That's a new. That's new. And we syndicate it. You know, send it out to CBS stations around NBC. CBS is good.

CBS is taken care of. They've got a show already. But try. Fox stations around the country. Own network? Yeah. Oh. I'll take oh.

Yeah. HGM shopping network. There's something there. Sure. I'll take it. Oprah and I won't work together anymore. No. Really?

Because of the – She dropped me off and she said I won't go inside. Not anymore. Not anymore. Because of the romantic issues? Yeah. With you and Stedman? With Stedman, yeah.

With me and Gail and Stedman. Because you stole her hairstyle. I admit it. Because you stole her hairstyle. Yes. She's mad about the hair. She's mad about Stedman and Gail. That bitch took my style.

I can't – that's not one of my favorite things. Well, we've sorted this all out. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. This is Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host a show called One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. Guess what? We both just had babies. Again.

Check out the show, enjoyed by breeders and ballers alike, on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Aisha Tyler, crack pimp.

Wait, a crack pimp? Are you pimping crack? Yes. You know, crack pretty much pimps itself. That's why it's such a great job. I have to do absolutely nothing. To those who love it. To its enthusiasts. It sells itself. It's like being a churro salesman.

You know what it is? It's like real estate or Apple stock. It sells itself, my friends. It sells itself. One time somebody tried to sell me some crack when I was like, I'm going to say 11. Wow. And I was a big 11-year-old. Because you're a big whatever you all are now.

Yeah. Yeah. But- He's like eight feet tall. Yeah. He's folded in on himself like a Swiss Army knife right now. Yeah. Yeah. But – He's like eight feet tall. Yeah. He's folded in on himself like a Swiss Army knife right now. Did you like look like you were jonesing though? Maybe that was more –

I was – Because it was the beard. I was in some poison ivy the previous day. So you were scratching, sweating. I had gone skinny dipping and on the way back I tripped and fell into a bunch of – Like urine. The crack salesman thought to himself, this man looks like he could use some crack. This man, this 11-year-old man with a beard covered in open source and fecal matter looks like he would enjoy a nice crack rock.

I was playing a bum in a kid's production of Little Shop of Horrors. Fake dirt on your face. But I remember like I knew when I was 11, I knew what crack was. And I remember thinking, I mean I just declined. It's not like he was like – it's not like a dude stepped in front of me and was like, hey. Buy this crack or there will be trouble. Or I'll get you. It was a classic kind of like a furtive guy said, you want to rock?

You need to rock? You need to rock? You know what I mean? So you're extrapolating. You're interpreting. You're saying to yourself, he's asking me. But maybe he was just throwing that to the street. No, there wasn't any dudes nearby.

I mean, he could have just been putting that energy out into the universe. Just hopeful. Sort of Oprah style. There's no one more hopeful than a crack dealer. They're the most hopeful people in the world. But I'll tell you what. Maybe he was just asking you if you wanted to rock. I think.

Was he Dee Snider, the lead singer of Quiet Riot? Yeah. Maybe he was just asking you if you wanted to go to a Quiet Riot show. Yeah, it's funny. Were they in town? Dee Snider did live in the Valencia Gardens Project right by my house. He's still there now. He actually moved out and then moved back in.

I believe we're going to get emails because I think he's the lead singer of Twisted Sister. I don't care. Oh, Twisted Sister. Let me pose a metaphysical question to the world, the internet, and everybody listening. Is there really any difference? Well, only one of them is in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. That's why I know. So I could not name a song by either band. No. However, I am aware of – Who did come on Feel the Noise?

The one where the lead singer looks like a woman. Rat? Great white. I don't know. Poison. White Snape. White Snape. That's quite right.

So I remember – This is a zone of music that I'm super okay not knowing a lot about. Right? I feel pretty good about it. You don't want to discuss the deep catalog of Striper? Yeah. There are a lot of times when people will be sitting around talking about like a kind of music and sometimes I'll feel self-conscious because I can't participate.

When people are talking about this stuff, I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to chill for this. I want to talk about your crack rock experience. But can I just say for the record that I got so excited when Metallica played at the Grammys and no one understood what was happening. They didn't understand why I liked Metallica. They were like there's a black woman super excited about like a long, long Metallica mashup. We don't understand.

They were like looking for the – like the Ren and the Time Space Continuum. But I don't know anything else about metal. I only know about Metallica. So that just makes me like a fucking poser. I feel like those – no, I don't really like metal either. But I feel like those 80s Metallica albums are just fucking cool. Your hair says different. I know, right?

Your hair says different. I just want you to know. 80s Metallica albums are just – like Ride the Lightning is great. Like all those – they're cool. Kill Em All – I mean, come on. How can you not love that band? And then they all cut their hair. They have babies now and they look like they like watch their dairy.

Well, I think you can't not – it's impossible to not love that movie about them all being in therapy together. Right. I think that's what you're explaining. No, but my first album was Kill Them All. I bought my first Metallica album when I was – at the same time that you were being offered Crack, I was being offered a Metallica album at the Vault in San Francisco. Of course, I think I'm older than you. So probably when you were being offered Crack, I was 29. Yeah, because at that same time, I had recently purchased my first album, which was Dangerous.

By Michael Jackson. Another very extreme rockin' album. Yes. I stopped after Off the Wall because that was when he stopped being black. Now, speaking of black people, let's talk about your crack rock experience. So when I was 11 years old, I knew that it wasn't appropriate to sell an 11-year-old crack. You're self-aware. But I think the thing that really struck me the most was just did this – like I knew that it was wrong to sell an 11-year-old crack.

But in that sense, it's wrong to sell anyone crack. No, no, no, no, no, no. You think it's reasonable to sell a fiend crack. It's existentially wrong to sell drugs. Right. But I feel like there are degrees and someone's over 18 and they're a consenting crackhead. That's different than trying to get an 11-year-old with a really bad case of poison ivy. I might have already – they may have thought that the reason I was so thin wasn't just hormones or the fact that I'd grown a lot.

It was that I was addicted to rock cocaine. He looked at you and he thought this life looks terrible and he probably could use the sweet, sweet release of some illicit drugs. I thought – the thing that I thought was that is a low percentage play. Right. Like there's no way he can expect a return on this. Yeah. Even if I did like crack, I clearly don't have any money. I'm 11. Yeah. That was – I mean even like when I would – I'd get jumped once in a while and I'd feel bad for the people who jumped me.

Did you grow up on the wire? Because they wanted – sort of. They wanted my money but I had $2. Why are you Christopher Walken right now? They wanted my money. But I had two dollars. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Two dollars is enough to buy some crack.

That made more sense because I think maybe just the thought process was, oh, white people have money. White people always have money. Which, you know, I'm not going to lie. 400 years of slavery. Hey, look, I'm 32 years old. I'm loaded now. Right? I could buy any one of you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm drinking my coffee out of an actual ceramic mug. Yeah. So that's just. That's how serious this is. I have. And Jesse gave me some crack before. He actually has a crack bowl. That's why I'm so high energy.

Like a mint bowl, but with a spoon, but it's crack rocks instead of those butter mints that you get at restaurants. I'm a rich white guy. Powder cocaine. Thank you very much. Thank you. You know why? Because crack is for poor people. As Whitney Houston said right before she died of an overdose of crack. Yeah. I mean, crack's just like, it's just warmer. It has a warmer sound

to it. It's more authentic. It is. Grounded. It's the texture. There's a texture to crack that cocaine doesn't have. It has a heft to it. Like classic urban Detroit. Yes. Cocaine's too modern and linear. It's the texture. There's a texture to crack that cocaine doesn't have. It has a heft to it. It has a heft to it. Like classic urban Detroit. Yes. Cocaine's too modern and linear. It's too astringent. Crack cocaine's got that grit.

It's got that earthy grit you're looking for. A little something special. Something extra. I actually have a- What did you say? I would have loved if you were like, look at me. I'm 11. Why would I need crack?

No, you can't say that. I said what I said to every other person in my entire neighborhood growing up, which was and I kept walking. I've never been offered crack cocaine. Really? Yeah, because I grew up on the pretty bunch. As a teenager multiple times. Really? Yeah.

Were you scared? Yes, of course. Did you ever do it though? No. I don't want crack cocaine. I'm not judging you. I'm here to empower and to love. So if you did crack, you're a terrible person obviously. But that doesn't mean I don't care for you deeply.

If you just tuned in, we're here on the O Network with Aisha Tyler. It's – what is it? Lifetime moments, aha moments. Aisha Gayle and Stedman. We're talking about Jordan's aha moment when he first tried crack cocaine. What lifetime moments? AHA moments? Aisha Gale and Stedman. We're talking about Jordan's AHA moment when he first tried crack cocaine. When he first slept with Gale and Stedman. God, that would be a really delicious sandwich. Well, I slept with them both each individually before that.

But not together? And then I was like, hey, guys, let's kick this up a notch. Did you just send a three-way text? Yeah, I CC'd them. I CC'd Gale and Stedman. Made like a piercing slash like vaginal thing. Well, I made it like a forked penis gesture. Double entry.

Because of my cat penis. That's my nickname, old cat penis. That sounds like that would be terrible. If you had a cat penis, though, I would encourage that you show it to people much like Shia LaBeouf does because I think that that would be a medical oddity and you could make a lot of money. And then you could take that money and spend it on crack cocaine and then give $2 to your co-host who could use it because it was taken from him at a young age. Ayesha, I have a San Francisco Bay Area question for you. How's the crack cocaine up there? How's that crack up there?

Mwah. We – Mwah. Because it's free range. It's organic and it the crack cocaine up there? How's that crack up there? Because it's free range. It's organic and it's fair trade up there. It's cruelty free. It's cruelty free. And, you know, it's handcrafted and local. You know, I've got an app that I think is really going to disrupt the crack industry. Yeah, I would love it. I love disruptors.

Let's see. You go to Blue Bottle Coffee and then while you're in the Blue Bottle Coffee, a guy in like a tank top and a beard, much like says, look, I made this myself at home. I was pickling. I did some pickling. I had the Pyrex on hand for pickling. Yeah, and then I made some crack. And we're going to watch some films and we're going to have some homemade pickles.

Organic, by the way, that I grew these radishes myself. And then we're going to smoke some crack together. We could talk about it too. We talk about art. I think if people smoke crack and talk about art, people wouldn't think of crack as such a bad drug. My app, by the way, is called Cracker, but I'm not sure if that's a good name. It's a little racist. C-R-A-C-K-R.

Yeah, no, you drop the E. But the way it feels in your mouth, that feels viral. It feels like people will talk about it. You know, I feel like I get the best crack off those trucks. Right? You know, the crack trucks? Crack trucks. They're fun.

You can also get like some truffle fries. Right? Yeah. We got to follow them on Twitter. You're following and you get there. There's like a huge line all the time. I can't. That's the thing about the crack trucks.

I can't stand in line. Sure. I can't do it. And where do you smoke it? Right, right. And then, you know, other people are watching you. Although it is nice of them when they park under the underpass. Let me tell you something.

You haven't lived until you've smoked crack and then had some like homemade cheese curds, like a thing of cheese curds that were fried on the truck with your crack. Can I ask you guys a question? I know this is a controversial issue. Oh, boy. But you're out clubbing, you're out at a bar, whatever. How do you guys feel about e-crack? The thing about e-crack is that already, like with social media, it's like morphing into something new. It's just hard to keep up. And I feel like you want to be always ahead of the curve, not behind the crest of the wave. So I don't do it anymore.

I did it for like a day. The vapor. The vapor. But I just – It's like do I really want my crack to taste like a day. The vapor. The vapor. But I just – It's like do I really want my crack to taste like berries? Sure. Yeah. I want that authentic crack taste.

Here's my San Francisco question for you. I'm more into ecstasy. Aisha, you and I went to the same high school, the great school of the arts in San Francisco, California. That's true. Oh, my god. I feel differently about you now. Jordan and I, this coming weekend, will be going back to San Francisco to perform at the San Francisco Sketch Comedy Festival. Oh, yeah. Sketch Festival.

This will be a couple days previous to when this episode is released. If you missed the show, you're a weird chump. You should have listened to the previous 17 shows where we plugged it. If you missed the show, get off the e-crack, clearly. 17 shows where we plugged it. If you miss the show, get off the e-crack. Yeah. And the day after we have our shows on a Monday, I'm going to be addressing the theater department of School of the Arts in San Francisco. They got you, huh?

They got you. They invited me. I act like I don't get those emails. Just throw them away and I don't even know. Now, Jordan, I know that you also were deeply involved in the theater department of your high school. Very. Where did you go to high school? Somewhere equally lame?

Pretty lame. Yeah. In Orange County. Well, it's lamer then. No. Was it an artsy? Was it artsy? Was it an artsy school?

No. It was a public high school. Oh, God bless you. So it was much cooler than our school. Yeah. I mean they still talk about our performance of Noises Off. How could they not? They still talk about it.

Because it was the last one. Right. Exactly. Because we burned down the theater. End of an era. Both the inaugural and the final performance. When you were at J. Eugene Mackey School of the Arts, Jesse, was it like just – Well, technically, I went to the Ruth Asawa School of the Arts.

But continue. I don't even know what that means. They named it after legendary San Francisco artist Ruth Asawa. Was that new? Did that happen recently? No, that happened – I mean I graduated from high school some 14 years ago. So it was after I left. 13 years ago.

I'm 1,000 years old. I don't know if you know this about black people but we don't age. You're a very beautiful woman. Hyperbaric chamber, baby's blood. No one would have guessed. Very easy to get, by the way. Is there some way to like – does the baby's blood kind of flow into the hyperbaric chamber or are these two separate processes? Separate processes.

And you just get up in the morning and you put your Vitamix, put some kale in the baby's blood. But let me just say that I would just go to this neighborhood and then the guys are like, want baby's blood? Want some baby's blood? And I go, clearly. Hey, two, look at me. Yeah, I need it. Yeah, exactly. I'm a creature of the night. You show them your government I go, clearly, I do. Look at me. Yeah, I need it. Yeah, exactly. I'm a creature of the night.

You show them your government idea with your birthday. I do. I show them my Air Marshal ID. I get Medicinals baby blood because I have anxiety. Do you have a card for the Baby's Blood Club? Which, by the way, that's just – anybody who has that card who's not like 90 and has gout and glaucoma, you just get pot like normal people do. I don't like you and your fancy cookies. I like Jordan.

I've got a card. I love it. It's outrageous. It's fun. It's fun to go to the pot store. The pot store. You're at the pot store. I know.

It's a blast. It's something I don't like. It's unfair. There's a bud tender, like a bartender, but with bud. I had to be nice to people that I didn't like to get drugs. Yeah, and like to hang out with the drug dealers. Yeah, and smoke pot with people I hated and worry about what I was catching from this damp like cigarette they were passing to me.

And you just go buy it. You're worried my cavalier attitude toward marijuana. I'm worried that your life is better than mine. That's what I'm worried about. That I'm not building character. Yes. You need to suffer for your intoxication. I feel like I've bought a fair amount of drugs without cards.

I don't know. I feel like I've had that experience. Did you buy one from where Jesse was running from a crack dealer? Yeah. I mean you still have to buy your crack on the street. Yeah, exactly. If only they would legalize medicinal crack. That's just because street crack is better.

That's all. That's not because you – that's just because that's where you get the best stuff. Yeah. Oh, and yeah, like going back to – The government stuff is weak. Whenever I smoke someone's like non-medicinal pot, I just – I've become such a pot snob about it. Yeah. I'm a real bummer.

I'm a real asshole about it. You're like me when I go to a bar and they're pouring Absolute. I'm like I won't drink here. I don't drink commercial spirits. I won't drink here. You just bring your own. Bring a filter with you. I distill my own vodka at the bar.

Yeah. Then I drink it and then I leave. You tip a dollar. Maybe. Maybe in change. But I am that snobby about booze, so I understand. Like I go and I look and I see what's behind the bar. And if they're using any kind of commercial, like Seagram's, I won't drink in that bar.

That must be tough. There's no bars to drink in. I just drink at home alone. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I won't drink in that bar. That must be tough. There's no bars to drink in. I just drink at home alone. Yeah. In the dark. Like low – like what's the cheapest bottle of booze that you'll see and say this is appropriate? Well, like I'll drink Maker's Mark just because it tastes good. Sure.

But even that is probably unacceptable. But like no like Seagram 7 and 7, just because it tastes good. But even that is probably unacceptable. But like no like Seagram 7 and 7, no wild turkey, you know, and also just vodka wise, like no, if you go to a bar and one of the ingredients in a drink is like a flavored vodka, just leave. Like Cinnabon flavored cupcake vodka.

Oh yeah, whipped. See, whatever that is, you know, that crappy like absolute whipped tastes like, you know, girl ass or whatever. Sure. It's bachelorette party flavored. Yeah, but it is like that. And just drink it out of a penis.

Right. Which, not that that wouldn't be a good time, but an actual penis, not a penis shaped Shia LaBeouf's penis. Shia LaBeouf's penis. Oh, God, you guys, this is the best afternoon I've ever had in my life. Everything is happening for me right now. So what was the question? The question was, I've been given this golden opportunity to address and inspire these young people. I believe in America.

Unlike you two, cynical. Dead inside. Completely dead. Dark hearted. Feeling anything right now? That's why you smoke so much pot because you're trying to have feelings. It's a waste of your time. Can't do it.

No. I want to inspire America's young people. I did smoke a lot of pot, and then I did have the feeling that Bob's Burgers was pretty funny. Yeah. Well, that's like- It was a lot of fun. Luckily for us at Archer, you don't have to get high to think our show is funny.

Hi, John. However, sometimes when you smoke a lot of pot, you get the feeling that you might die, right? And then your friends get the feeling that they want to kill you. So you start fucking freaking out. I've never had that. I've never had that awful reaction to pot. Really?

I've never had that paranoia. I just kind of get – I just kind of get – You never had the heart – like my heart is going to stop thing? Like I'm like breathing once every two minutes? I remember that. Yeah. No. I have not.

No. Nope. Not doing it right. OK. Yeah. Right. So what's the question? You want to inspire young people, Jess and you.

Right. Okay. So what's the question? You want to inspire young people, Jess, and you. What message should I send to the young people of the School of the Arts theater department? Don't try. Don't try. That would be my advice. It seems like you're trying.

I do. I try. I hate to tell you, Aisha. I'm super trying. You described your schedule to me earlier and it starts at 4 a.m. I'm full of try. I'm all about try. I spoke there.

Actually, I read a chapter from my last book there, and I took special delight in the fact that there were curse words in it, which I didn't warn anybody about before. I was really like I gave everybody a big fuck you. Did you have a bad experience there? No, I just like I love the fact that I'm a grown-up and I can't get in trouble anymore. Right. It's just like I like to go places and do things I shouldn't do. The same people run the theater department as when I was there, not as when you were there. Because I wasn't until I was there a million years ago.

And I like the guy who ran the theater department. But it is exciting that he has no power over me at all. He can't tell you what to do. He's invited you in. You're like a vampire. I know. Once they ask you in, the seat is controlled to you. You can do whatever you want. Yeah, I could

ruin his life. You could totally destroy it. And I just want to say, even though I just took a dump here and it's on fire right now, it was that guy's idea. Yeah. I took a dump. I doused it in liar fluid. I set it on fire. At the invitation of Mr. Rayher. Mr. Rayher. And I'm standing here with my pants off, Shia LaBeouf style, and you

can't do anything about it. Mr. Rayher's a nice man. So I read a chapter from the book and it was essentially about like believing in – a bunch of crap, a bunch of bullshit, believe in yourself, try. Do you believe in yourself? Yeah, because no one else does. I mean that's pretty much as an artist. You have to, right? I mean the whole path of an artist or anybody creative is like essentially

walking against the wind for all of your career while people tell you scream into your face like you're walking like doing a perp walk through a prison like not only are you going to fail but then i'm going to fuck you in the ass that's pretty much working in the entertainment business that's it right like you suck come closer so that I can have sex with you against your will. The one thing that makes me feel bad about this is that I feel, you know, like, I feel like I'm certainly

at least as successful in the entertainment industry as I ever expected I would be. You have a lustrous full-face beard, and that should tell people that you have money and success. Yeah, sure. I have to have someone massage my beard regularly. You can afford a special comb with which to comb your facial hair separate from the one that you use to comb the hair on your head because they're clearly different hairs. You're leaving it.

I have oils. You have a two-comb lifestyle. You do. Oils and unguents. I think you just hold up both the combs. Unguents. And say, this could all be yours. One big one, one small one.

Yeah. I've got more where these came from. I don't have one for my pubes. They're unwieldy. They're braided. I have them professionally braided every six weeks. But outside of the- I just get to go with my girlfriends.

We twist our locks. You know, we put on Clueless and we just braid each other's pubes. Don't you threaten me with a good time, Jordan. Outside of the- Come on, I'll get us some Shamrock Shake flavored vodka. Oh, my god. We'll mix that with a little 7-Up. Raspberry Marshmallow Shake flavored vodka.

Guys, I've got McRib vodka. Oh, I would totally drink that. It's seasonal. They don't have it all year. I actually bought the vodka and I bought the McRib and I made it at home in a jar. You infused it. It's like sun tea. I put it in the backyard back porch.

You put it through a bread egg. Yes, exactly. Strained it through cheesecloth. So's like sun tea. I put it in the backyard back porch. You put it through a bread. Yes, exactly. Strained it through cheesecloth. So you're very successful. So I'm reasonably successful. You really just wanted to tell everybody that you're successful. That was what this was about. After going to four years of pretty serious theater school, you know, it wasn't Juilliard, but it was real.

It was kind of real. I decided I never wanted to act again ever in a thousand years. And I feel like outside of the fact that – outside of the – whatever it was, two years after college when Jordan and I did some touring with our sketch comedy group, I never acted again. And I didn't intend to be in a sketch comedy group. It just sort of happened to us. Like you fell into a hole and had a sketch at the bottom. Exactly.

And I think it was so lucrative that we couldn't afford to get rid of it. Exactly. I mean, when you get to Seattle and you see that garage behind someone's house that you're going to be sleeping in, and then Jordan leaves in it. Then you see the 60 people assembled in the driveway ready to see you perform.

I see. I understand. I understand. And you pass that coffee can around. I mean, when you see those, you know, 10 members of the sketch group going on after you who are the ones in the audience who you will soon change places with to watch their show, you're like, how can I? There's nothing like a bringer show to make you want to die. It's called The Golden Parachute. When you really start dreaming about that Cody Rivers show money.

I don't even know what that means, but it sounds terrible. It's not terrible. It's a nice, fun sketch comedy duo from the Pacific Northwest. Oh, that's nice. They sound nice. They sound nice. Did the ladies stay in their garage? I forget whose garage we stayed in.

We stayed in the garage of some friends of the people from the – the Seattle Sketch Fest people were the nicest. And they had these nice friends who let people stay in their garage. Our whole sketch group all stayed in this garage, this two-car garage. I like that they wouldn't let you into their house proper. Or three cars. You might rob them of their medicinal pot. You can sleep by the car. proper. Or three cars. You might rob them of their medicinal pot.

You can sleep by the car. Three car prefab garage, but it had been converted into an underground theater. Adorable. Where they also kept these seating booths on

wheels that they used for Burning Man also. I like these people. They put it all on a truck and brought it to Burning Man and. I like these people. They sound enterprising. They put it all on a truck and brought it to Burning Man and then would bring it back to their underground theater. I have to say something about Burning Man. Please. I don't understand it and I hate it.

I've never been and I've developed a healthy amount of animus about something I've never experienced. I feel like I have been – no, I don't like the idea of going to a thing for several days. In the desert with no toilets. Yeah, like going to Coachella sounds awful. Like being at a thing for a long time. I just don't really like the idea of doing it. Unless it's like the beach or a crack den.

Right. Yeah. Oh, I could – a long weekend at the crack den. In a crack den, time just flies by. I don't know how long you've been down there, right? Sure. A day, a week, a month. You don't know.

Until your teeth start falling out. You have no idea. Sure. Even then, you're not sure if your teeth are there or not. You never you don't. You can't trust your eyes. But I've been I feel like I like I love to make jokes about Burning Man. It's such a fun thing to joke about.

It's a bunch of hippies in the desert. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But now there's also this thing of like, oh, these are just like tech millionaires who come and do this, who are like kind of faking it for the weekend. I'd like to touch a dirty hippie with my penis. They're not really. I don't think they ever were really dirty. I have friends who go every year.

There are dirty hippies. If you are pooping in a hole in the ground, you're a dirty hippie. Well, they're dirty, but are they actual hippies? Hippie is a kind of a blanket term I like to use for people that poop outside. You think it probably runs the gamut. The hippies drive out there. Like all their friends, they get like 18 people in a car. You know what I mean?

And then they like drive out there and they sleep on the ground. I have friends who go every year. If they ever hear this, they're going to disown me completely. They have like a tricked out trailer and they take their children. It's become very much like that. Like it's huggy. I'll tell you why I hate Burning Man. I don't want to see a lady with pendulous boobs right by on a bicycle naked.

Right. Oh, I got to do. Right when. You can see that on the internet. Right when shit in the neighborhood. Boobs. Boobs. Pendulous.

Pendulous boobs. Oh, I thought you said pendulette on a bike. I said, I want to see that. Right when shit in the neighborhood that I grew up in got really crazy in terms of gentrification. I was about 15 or 16. Mission? You learned mission? Yeah.

These two dudes bought the house next to my mom's house. And one of them had a window directly across from our window. And they bought it for like, I don't even know, like a million dollars or some amount of money. That was a long time ago. That house is now $17 million. Yeah, exactly. And home to three now 17 million. Yeah, exactly. And home to three different cupcake stores.

Yes. Free range, though. Free range. Yeah. These cupcakes were not in cages. Handcrafted. And so it's it's kitchen window faced our kitchen window. And it used to be this nice older Italian couple that lived there.

And then they died as old people. Super racist, though. Old Italians. But other than that, nice people. Other than the racism. They're great. They must have hated the mission. And the guy who bought the house was like a rich tech guy.

And he would walk around shirtless with his nipple piercings showing. God, fuck that guy. Holding a glass of red wine. He loved his life. He was the king of his domain. And every time I saw him, it filled me with so much fucking rage. So much class resentment boiled out of the top of my head. Every time I saw this asshole in his glass of red wine.

He's a douche. I can tell he's a douche. And he had a – Think about how the Mexicans felt. Underneath his stairs, he had a special set of stuff for Burning Man. Special silver shoes. Like a dad who goes all out for Christmas. Like fills the garage with inflatable snowmen. A special gold bicycle.

I hate him too. I hate him too. I hate him. I hate him. How do you know this about this guy though? Did you go over and let him touch you so you could see his stuff? Okay. It's okay.

There's no judgment here. I told you there's no judgment in this box that you built. Were you molested by the guy who invented Pets.com, Jesse? Yeah, I was. It's okay. I was molested by Michael Ian Black, who did The Voice. It's okay, though, because they were listening to The National while it happened. Sure.

So it's all right. It's okay. They were listening to The National while it happened. And it gave me a sort of Burning Man PTSD that I've never been able to get over. Despite the fact that, you know, I have our friend, our friend Jenny from Boing Boing has been a guest on the show multiple times. She's a wonderful lady, loves Burning Man. It's like the center of her year and she is such the greatest lady. But I cannot let go of that. I cannot let go of this fucking rich asshole.

He's an asshole. Threatening my home. You know why he went to Burning Man? To have sex with a lady with pendulous breasts riding by on a bicycle. He was like, I'm going to get laid. There's probably a sex bike. I'm sure there is a sex bike. You pedal it and a little penis goes up and down while you're sitting there.

Or maybe like it's like a bicycle for two but the man is lower. Like a seesaw. He's face backwards. It raises him up into the woman and then down and then up. Everything you're saying should be patented. He had an Audi. Oh, if somebody invents this sex bike and I don't get a piece of the pie. That shit. He had an Audi and a Vespa he never rode.

He's a douche. I think we can agree on that. Here's where I am, R.E. You had me at nipple piercing. It's been such a fun thing to joke about, and I've never really wanted to go, but I feel like I've been joking about it for long enough that I'm like, fuck, I kind of want to go now. I kind of want to go. It's like saying you hate rap music and you've never listened to it. It's like an old guy being like, oh, that hippity hop.

You've got to go and experience it. Because either A, I'll flip and I'll love it. And I'll have some pendulous bike sex. Pendulous bike sex. God, it sounds awesome. Yeah. Or it'll be a nightmare and I can make funny jokes about it. Your people are there.

Your people are there with their medicinal marijuana and their potty cookies. Jordan, I think. Their veggie burritos. They're are there. Your people are there with their medicinal marijuana and their potty cookies. Jordan, I think – Their veggie burritos. They're all there. I think what you're missing here is what I feel like I'm missing about hating Burning Man. All I can do to hate Burning Man is extrapolate from the fact that I have a lot of class resentment. I have a lot of region-specific class resentment about the San Francisco Bay Area. And I – and it's coincidental with the same people that we're always talking about Burning Man. This is a narrow Venn diagram because I really do believe that until recently Venn – like the whole thing with Burning Man was like not hippies because I know that that's era-specific.

But I just use that for like people who don't shower frequently. That's era-specific. But I just use that for like people who don't shower frequently. So they all ride out there and they smoke dope and listen to music and they swirl around in a circle because they don't really know how to dance and they hug each other and act like they like each other when on the street at home they'll never interact. And everybody like has like tempeh. You know what I mean? That's what it is. It's not the guy with the red wine and the nipple piercings.

It's like – it's those people, the people that like tempeh. So if you like tempeh and you like pot, then Burning Man is for you. Seitan. That's what they like. Oh, God. That's what those assholes like. If you would like instantaneously explosive gas, like literally the kind of gas that will make you question your sanity. Eat some seitan. Eat that.

I farted so hard I went crazy. Yes. Like am I having a stroke or am I flatulent? The kind of farts that like a bad pot experience will make you wonder whether or not you're dead. Yes. Hold your finger to your carotid artery and wonder, is that my ghost right now? But Jordan, I think what you're feeling, and I understand because I feel this too. This is some compassionate show right now.

Is as – well, I mean that's what the O-Network is all about. It really is. This is an aha moment. I feel it coming. Okay. What you're feeling is oh i just sorry we need to do a uh a uh sponsor break for activa activa when you want to diarrhea so hard you go insane take it from me jamie lee curtis activa proud sponsor of the o network and its family of podcasts sorry go. I think what you're. That was the last part of the commercial. We've been dancing around the fart joke, but then you committed fully.

And I'm proud of you. I think that what you're missing is specifics. I think what you are feeling is that you want to joke about something, but you don't have. You only have generalities because you haven't seen it with your own two eyes. You only have reportage that has returned back to you. And if you went there, you wouldn't know about what exactly is going on with those pendulous titties. I'm going to say that – I'm going to use a word that a nipple-piercing silver bike guy would use, which is that you need to get granular on this. You need to go there and experience this on a granular level.

I like Aisha's biz dev perspective. Right, you have this big picture here, and you need to drill down, and you need to get really granular, surface-level, experiential. And then once you'll be able to draw some bigger conclusions. Can we leverage this across multiple platforms? I think we can. We can cross-leverage across multiple platforms? I think we can. We can leverage it across multiple platforms. I think we can actually dial this up and move out of the silo.

I think you feel like you're in one single silo. You need to be multiple silo here. So you need to go to Burning Man, smoke pot, have sex with a weird lady, and then come back and tell us about it. Can I make a suggestion? In detail, by the way. And I want photos. I don't want to just hear about it.

What about etchings? We're going to do charcoal etchings of us making love. I want a woodcut print. We're making love. I want a flip book of woodcut prints. Flip it and I see – Would you mind sending a casingle to Lars von Trier? Yes.

Yeah. Here's what I'm thinking. Repurposed iPod Nano. Just building on your idea, once you get all of this stuff together, I think we build an app and we're disruptors. Right. We're disruptors. You know that apps are going to be the ripped jeans of 2014.

Oh, you think the classier, like in a couple of years, a phone with no apps on it will be like super cool and classy. Yeah, because I'd be like, what do you use your phone for? I just make calls, man. I live in the world. I live in the world. It makes my right back pocket happy. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go.

It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Aisha Tyler, no longer crack pimp, now internet mogul. Really? An internet mogul? Yeah. Well, I've converted.

You know, crack pimpery, I don't know if you know, it's very lucrative. I converted all that money. I was very liquid. I also stayed liquid. You got to stay liquid. And I'm now an angel investor in several startup companies, mostly in the Bay Area, one in LA, a new competitor for Uber called Bus. I heard that you don't spend any of your internet money. You're still living off

money from 93. I am. Because I stayed liquid then and I converted that into quarters. You live off your money from the Hermosa Beach Comedy and Magic Club. I'm like Buffett. Can I tell you that if I ever worked at Hermosa Beach Comedy and Magic Club

I would frame those dollars just because I'd be like, well, that was the last time because I cursed too much for them. They could just hear it in my voice. Is that a clean venue? That's a clean venue. I don't believe in clean comedy. That's not that I don't want to do it.

I literally don't believe it exists. Well, we here believe in clean colons. That's why we use Activa. Activa. Proud sponsor of The O Network and its family of podcasts. Jordan, it's not just Activa that brings this week's program to you. It's also our good friends. That's the end of the ad. Our good friends at the Squarespace company.

Squarespace. They are an all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. You know what? You can do it on a mobile platform. You can look at it on a regular platform, squeeze it out, slim it down. I hear they have a support team that's available 24-7. 24-7. At any time. They've got a support team. If you're in trouble, you call the support team.

Jordan, I bet there's a special deal for Jordan and Jessica listeners. That's just speculation on my part. I'm going to you for confirmation. Here's what you do. Sounds wild. You go to Squarespace.com. You check out their brand new logo generator that designs your logo. Wow. Then you type in the offer code JJGO. All one

word. JJGO. You get 10% off your first purchase. Squarespace. Everything you need to create an exceptional website. Boy howdy. We got nothing on the Jumbotron this week, but if you need to create an exceptional website. Boy, howdy. We got nothing on the Jumbotron this week, but if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And if you want to advertise on the Maximum Fun Network, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We will set you up.

Yeah, we got rate cards. What, you need a rate card? Yeah, we'll send you a rate card. I don't have a rate card. Well, we'll send you a rate card. I don't have a rate card. Well, that's why you're so far behind us. That's why we closed Activa and you didn't. That's true. I need a rate card. I just demand bags of money. I was on the phone with Teresa.

I said, God damn it, if we need a rate card to close Activa, make a rate card. Jesse, they're actually paying us in diarrhea yogurt. And by the way, Activa is not a thing. That's what's on the rate card though. Activa? Yeah.

Or flatulence. Our whole thing is in DPM, diarrhea per thousand. It's advertising industry. Don't knock a good bout of diarrhea until you've tried it.PM, diarrhea per thousand. It's advertising industry. Don't knock a good bout of diarrhea until you've tried it. If you'd ever like to lose seven pounds in 10 minutes. Very cleansing. It's freeing. It's like vomiting.

You know when you're like, ah, I have to puke. I don't want to puke. And then you puke, you feel better. Let me tell you, you've never experienced a more cathartic experience than just dropping 10% of your body weight in a short period of time. Right before a wrestling match. Painful when it's happening. Painful when it's happening. Painful when it's happening. But then right after, oh, God, so good.

So light and free. We'll be back in just a second. Like a stinky bird. With the newly agile and— Like a bird. Like an Olympian. You had so much diarrhea it hollowed out your bones, right? It did.

Literally, it pulled water from other parts of my body, unassociated with my digestion. I want to go ahead and apologize to all the people out there who don't like diarrhea humor. I know that's a significant portion of the people. I think it's all the people. And given the sheer volume of

self-pleasure and boner humor that's on the average Jordan Jesse Go podcast that already alienated the rest of the audience. Trying to flip it up. And then the amount of chewing on microphone we tend to do. I think if you're feeling uncomfortable, go to your happy place, which is the pendulous breast lady on the sex bike. We can all agree on her, right? We can all agree on her.

She's like a Dutch cuckoo clock, just like, you know, wink, wink, wink, wink. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Aisha Tyler, F1 race car specialist. Really? Yes.

So you're like a Michael Schumacher-like figure? No, I'm more of a Nicky Lauda. Yeah, the movie Rush was based on your life, right? Yes, it was. It was. I burned so badly that I turned black and female. Oh, wow. When they replaced some parts, they just got them wrong.

They really sugar-coated that for the movie, I noticed. They really did. They replaced some parts, they just got them wrong. They really sugar-coated that for the movie, I noticed. They really did. They kind of like, they glossed over that. Well, it's like Game of Thrones. It's like Game of Thrones when they chopped off

the dwarf's nose in the book. He had a hole, and then in the show, he's got a scar. He's just slightly injured. Yeah, he's just a little, what, did you walk into a door, buddy? Sure.

Yeah. No, not be chopped in the face by an axe. I wouldn't want to ruin that face. That's a handsome man. The dwarf, what's his name? Peter Dinklage. Peter Dinklage.

He is very handsome. One time I saw him in Goodwill in Los Feliz. Yeah. And I was just really excited to see him. He's awesome. I was like, man. He was like with a couple of people who were like following him around, taking notes. And he was like pointing at things and saying, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Cheap stuff. He probably was like directing a short film or something like that you know what i mean and i was like oh man that's peter dinklage uh that's not just any small person and look at all smart let's just say for the record that all small people are special well i think i'm gonna go ahead and say all people are special that's a good point jordan subscribe to that but no you're right i reject that completely you sure you certainly didn't treat sted are special. That's a good point, Jordan. I don't subscribe to that. But just little people. No, you're right. I reject that completely. You certainly didn't treat Stedman like he was special. That's true.

Me and Gail really had a thing going. You did some special stuff. That's true. I did some butt stuff. With and to Stedman. I can't believe I walked into the middle of this clearly long-running bit that you guys have been pushing since 1989. And I'm going to get in trouble when I see Stedman next. Oh, boy.

This is not – this bit came up now. Oh, did it? Yeah. I know it seems lived in. It does. It seems lived in. It seems familiar. Yeah, sure.

Worn at the edges. It's like an old shoe. It is. Just like Stedman. You were trying – you've been trying to make a point since you were 11 about crack cocaine and speaking to children. Yeah. Well, no. I just – I am genuinely worried about what to tell these young people given that I have abandoned the thing that they have worked so hard to – because it's a school where you have to audition to get in. I think that for me, I really cherish my drama experience in high school.

It was very important to me. It gave me a place. It made me feel like I was good at something. And it continued a little bit into college and helped us get into sketch comedy. And the drama experience was really important to me me as dorky as it was. It was really like, you know, really,

really transformative. But I think when I look back on it, I'm just so embarrassed of what a goober I acted like because I, because of my identity as drama kid. Yeah. I can tell now that like what you, like what you were rocking. Yeah,

sure. I, yeah, it's, it's okay. Yeah. I, I projected. Oh my God. I projected sure. Yeah. It's OK. Yeah.

I project it. Oh, my god. I project it. I was dripping nerdery. If there was something you can do to let them know that it's cool to be funny, it's cool to perform, but fucking give it a rest sometimes. Right. And also don't kill your chances of getting laid. Yeah. What's the whole point of being a drama kid?

To get laid, right? Yeah. When I feel like it – it a drama kid, to get laid, right? Yeah. When I feel like it, you know, it's one of those things. Well, drama girls will do anything. It can help you, but then if you goof too far in the goof direction, it hurts you. Right. I think if you can find a way to be a charismatic guy who can command a room without being handsome, that's good. But if you're, you know, fucking wearing bowling shoes around.

Or tights. But if you're, you know, fucking wearing bowling shoes around. Or tights. Should I tell them that all of their acting training is essentially for naught because getting cast in Hollywood is mostly just, does that look like the thing I had in my head? Sure. Yes and no. Because I feel like, I feel like, to get serious here for the briefest of moments, that like your acting training should be about loving art. That experience should be about loving art. I gave a speech at Dartmouth to the art students there. And I said, look, this may be the best it ever gets for you as an artist. So you're too good for the school you actually went to. But Dartmouth.

Yes. But Dartmouth. Dartmouth calls. Dartmouth. I went to Dartmouth. Thank you. And they're bigger. They have money. OK. I went to Dartmouth. Thank you. And they're bigger. They have money.

So when I went there, I said, look, this may be the best, most robust artistic experience you ever have. So enjoy it. Realize that it's – in all likelihood, you will not make money at being an artist. But if your goal is to make money at being an artist, you're not in it for the right reasons. So if you love art, make it for the rest of your life. Don't be hung up on the idea that the only way that it's valid is if somebody pays you to do it. I mean, you guys make a podcast and because you love what you do, you've been able to make it lucrative. Same thing, my podcast covers its own nut barely. That's not why I do it. I do it because I love it.

So if you love what you do, I don't even want to say if you love what you do, the money will come. It may not come. But if you love what you do, you'll be a happy person. But if you want to do it to get famous, go have sex with someone on night vision film. Because that is really going to go a much longer way. I do look really good in night vision.

You do. I mean, you look good in day vision, but night vision, you really come alive. You get that nice kind of green glow. You go with the eyes. Your eyes sparkle in that kind of like haunted alien way. Sure. Yeah. I mean I feel like I sometimes – I mean definitely lately get like really frustrated with myself because I feel like I'm not doing better showbiz-wise.

But I feel like if I went back to myself in college and said like, oh, you're doing sketch comedy shows with great people at a great theater and people like it and you do a podcast that people really like, I would be so excited. I'd be stoked. It would be really exciting. Yeah. I mean you shouldn't not move the goalpost. Moving the goalpost is good because it keeps you motivated. But like what I said to the students at Dartmouth, I just said like if you want to make money at this, if that's your goal is to get rich and famous, just go to freaking med school like your mom wants you to. Stop being a dick. You know what I mean?

And I think probably the kids going to school of arts probably – I would imagine a pretty small percentage of them want to be on – I'm trying to think of a dopey thing. Yeah, Glee. They probably want – I'm sure they want to do Shakespeare in the Park and they want to do experimental. You could do that your whole life. If all you want to want to do experimental. You could do that your whole life. If all you want to do is make art, you can do that your whole life. And then the litmus test or the bar is just am I always acting? Am I always making art? Am I always excited about what I do when I get up in the morning?

And even if you have to have a day job to do that, that's okay if that funds your art. You know what I mean? Like that's all it should be about. But if you're here and you're like, I'm going to be the next little Bow Wow. Well, first of all, quit school because like who gives a shit? And second of all, it's too late. You're already 16. Bow Wow was famous at like 12.

So you're already over the hill. You know Romeo at best if your dad is Master P. Hilarious. I think just in part to them, don't dress like a goober in public. Don't do like skits. Your advice is so practical. Don't do like skits in public because you want to like freak out everybody at the mall. But see, I like that because I feel like do all that crazy stuff because it gives you this like psychic callous where like now nothing can hurt you because the amount of humiliation they're in for if they go into the entertainment business is so much bigger than any bad thing that could happen after a skit at a mall.

Right. Yeah. Maybe your mall skit. Rip off the bandaid now. Jab yourself in the leg. Yeah. You know, I'm so embarrassed about that stuff when I think about it now. But maybe it was valuable in some way.

Maybe, sure, yeah. Made you creatively tough. That's why you're as tough as you are now, Jordan. I am known for my toughness. He's adorable. Surprise fight, certainly. Adorable and soft. Sure.

Sweet and soft. And then, like, you know, associated with that, it's just like believe in yourself because no one will. No one is going to believe in you but don't let your belief in yourself become like a blinder that makes you think you're awesome

when you're not because you're probably not awesome you can be awesome but you're probably not and if you're auditioning for Lars von Trier show him your dick

show him your find a woman learn the sides know the character make a choice going into the audition make a choice even if it's the wrong choice

make it a strong one make a strong choice but also fuck someone on camera. Find a girl who will let you put your penis in her vagina, which I agree is probably harder than learning to learn your lines. I think it's easier to learn lines than it is to get a girl to let you have sex with her. Yeah. Well, it depends if – is it dialogue or is it a speech? As we've established, theater girls will do anything.

So if you tell them, hey, if I get this on Trier, we're'll put in a good word for you. Boom, they'll line out the door. Yeah. This is an audition for us, you say. We're auditioning. We're auditioning together. But no one's going to see your face. Yeah. Your vagina will be filling the frame. On my face. Face and penis. Just, yes. Might see your face at the end.

Face. Cutaways of my penis. You know what? We're just going to let you, we're going to leave it where you put it because we all know what the answer to that math question is. So you can do it. You can do it. You're happy. I mean, you know, like you have built a little empire for yourself. They've got a rocket ship here.

We're sitting inside some kind of terrible – like egg crate box with space-age polymers. I bought this myself. Space-age polymers and a Japanese clock. From a nice man with a Pacific Islander record label. Is it Korean, the clock? No, it's German. Junghans. Oh, if it had been Joon Chang, that would have been Korean.

I just want to say that for the record. I only got one letter wrong. Yeah. You're very successful. Or you can just walk in and go, I'm a fucking Hollywood mogul. Let it wash over you, bitches, And then drop the mic and walk out. What if I just walk in there with a briefcase? Say, who wants to give me a blowjob?

Put it down on the table. Turn it around. Which of you is 18? All of you leave. Yeah. Now who wants to give me a blowjob? Now. Huh?

Who? It doesn't have to be full. Just like a minute. I don't want to exhaust anybody. No. You guys got classes in the afternoon. So you open it up with some money. So you guys have Balinese dance class to go to.

So I should go in there and demand partial blowjobs? Well, I'm just saying. Just enough to send me to prison. But not enough for me to feel like it was worth it. So you've got to – what do you have? A brief gift full of money? Yeah. And you just say, hi, my name is Jesse Thorne.

I'm here from Hollywood. I went to the bank and I had them change $200 into pennies. This is it. You know how I got this $200? From the folks at Activa. I work at the food line. From the folks at Activa. I work at the Food Lion.

I invested in foreclosed property and you can too. Sell me this pen. Just get them bumped up. Just open it up. Sell me this pen. Did you know that at the grocery store there's a machine that you can pour your change into? Oh, man. It counts it for you. These are strategies you will use when you are a starving actor

in Hollywood and no one will give you the time of day. Do you know you can change the Coinstar money directly into Xbox points? What? Yeah.

I did that. That's so sad. And when I was walking over to the Coinstar, I sang this song. Walking to the Coinstar. It's a parody of Smoking in the Boys' Room.

I was waiting for the whole thing, though. There's no more to that parody song. I want everybody out there to know that you should not immediately go rifling through your parents' pockets to find change to take to the Coinstar machine to change into Xbox points. Okay? You should do your homework.

Yeah. Should I? Unless you're a grown-ass man. What do I buy with my Xbox points? Probably a new Skyrim man? Yeah, you can buy some new DLC for something. You can buy some Mithril. Yeah, I think I bought some points so I could buy a Skyrim.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of what I buy with my Xbox points. Maps? Although I guess they don't. I don't buy things on there anymore. You know, they don't do the points. They don't do the Microsoft points anymore. You just pay like normal money, which is better.

My Skyrim guy was too strong. Yeah, you can just use your credit card. Like, screw that junk. My Skyrim guy was too strong. Yeah, you can just use your credit card. Like, screw that junk. My Skyrim guy was too strong for the Skyrim thing I bought. And I felt dumb for buying it. So you bought him armor and you put it on and he bursts through. He's like, rah! No, it was called like Skyrim Dragon World or something. And I bought it and I just killed all the dragons on Dragon World.

Yeah, it's tough with those level up games. I'd like to stop you and ask what could possibly have been wrong with that experience. You went onto a world where you killed all the dragons and you're complaining?

Well, it was no fun. It was too easy to kill all the dragons. You know what these things are called? White people problems. I bought this new world and I killed all the dragons.

Then your nipple piercings got infected. What am I going to do? You ran out of red wine. I've already made all the pickles. I've pickled everything in my garden. We're mid-season now. I need a new beard comb.

Everything's fallow. I had to plant alfalfa. But my worms in my vermiculture center are doing very, very well. They love melon rinds. Are there – is urban worm farming something? Urban worm farming is something. It's good for your garden. Yes.

And then when you have a surplus of organic worms, you feed them to your chickens and then you get some nice raw kind of eggs and you make an omelet. Did you know that you can make an omelet from eggs? I've heard that to make one you need to break some eggs. But I thought if you could just go to the supermarket,

break them there and you go home. You can also use the whites as an unguent for your beard. Oh, sure. Really nice unguent. Or to add some heft to a cocktail. Yes, you can to make a fizz or a jizz. That's not a drink. A jizz.

Yeah, a gin jizz. A whip. Ha-cha-cha-cha. At least we're off of poop. I think we've given you ample advice for your young people. Yeah, I think these young people are going to – So what have we so what have we covered

you know you're gonna fail you're gonna fail everyone will tell you you're gonna fail this business is full of tears and heartbreak yeah

make sure to use an unguent on your beard right and try to find a girl who'll have sex with you and don't wear tights dude I found a girl

who would have sex with me at school of the arts and I'm still having sex with her to this day. I think you should really encourage them all to marry their high school sweethearts. Yeah, because this is the best you're ever going to do. I think you should just give a speech entitled, this is the best you're ever going to do. Look to your left.

Look to your right. This is the best you're ever going to do. These are your options. Yes. You are all about to peak next Wednesday at 3.30. So get it in now while you still can. Did you used to get drunk and high when you were there?

I didn't, no. God, that was such a party school when I was there. It was very much a party school when I was there, too. I didn't personally... Go down into the canyon and drink down in the canyon.

I didn't personally because of family issues. Oh, like your dad was doing all your drugs? However, yes, there was no shortage of enthusiasm for substance use at my high school.

We're going to unpack what you just said after the break, aren't we? No, we're not. When we come back, we're going to have momentous occasions. We're going to unpack it on the break, and then he's going to come back in tears. On Jordan, Jesse, go. I am so proud to be an American and to be hosting Throwing Shade with you. I am proud to have really deep brown eyes. Well, this is actually supposed to be, you know, this is supposed to be a thing so that people listen to our show. I've just been so busy this week.

Okay. But I'm very happy to be here. The podcast is called... It's called Throwing Shade. You're the co-host. Yeah. So Throwing Shade, we talk about... You're the gay co-host.

I'm the female co-host. I always forget. We're friends in real life, kind of. And we talk about lady and gay issues. Yeah. And we talk about them in a way that is really disrespectful. Yeah. If you love the world and hate yourself...

Please listen to Throwing Shade. Yeah. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Aisha Tyler, recovery therapist. So here's the thing.

When something momentous happens to you, our audience members, we insist that you call us and share it with us for our signature, beloved, legendary segment, Momentous Occasions. Here's our first call. Hi, this is Momentous Occasion for Jordan, Jesse, and Go. I was just walking away from purchasing a new hockey stick, stopped at the light waiting for the light to change, and an older lady looked at me,

looked at the hockey stick, and said, Oh, is that a Valentine's Day gift? Anyways, have a good day. Thanks. Bye. Yeah. I love this one. That's pretty impressive.

That's good. That's good. I was with him right from hockey stick. Do you think this is Wayne Gretzky's husband? Where is this lady? Husbands. Where is this lady? Who is this lady?

What? What? Where does this lady live? I guess this doesn't make sense unless it's in Canada. Then it just seems like something that happens. In Canada, it would be a enthusiasm. It seems like a normal, non-momentous. Yeah.

Hockey stick's a pretty standard Valentine's Day gift. Right? Sure. Just buying a hockey stick is cool. Sure. Hockey seems fun. Totally. Hockey seems fun if you don't value your teeth.

I played a little roller hockey in my time. God, even hearing that sounds like just a rib crack. At the height of the rollerblades craze, circa 1992, I was 11. Circa one month in 1992. Let's just narrow it down to one. So I nabbed myself a pair of blades. Rock and roll. Got out there on the tennis court with my friend Petey.

Of course you did. We were shooting that tennis ball. Yeah, you were. And that little puck with ball bearings in it. Oh, my God. And catching, playing goalie with a baseball mitt. That shit was fun as shit. I'm glad you have all your teeth.

That's all I have to say. I'm way into that. Whenever I watch hockey, I'm just like, when is someone going to start fighting? I don't even care. Although, you know, if you watch hockey. Hockey's kind of cool. Hockey is like, well is someone going to start fighting? I don't even care. Although, you know, if you watch hockey. Hockey is kind of cool. Hockey is like, well, all sports are the same. So, like, if you work out from hockey.

That's true. Bob sledding is the same as ultimate fighting. You'll understand what I'm saying to you in a minute. Just let this, let me blow your mind. Okay. I'm ready for my mind to be blown. I'm open to this. Start with soccer.

Soccer is the fundamental game. I'm thinking for my mind to be blown. I'm open to this. Start with soccer. Soccer is the fundamental game. I'm thinking about soccer. Which was played like thousands of years ago by the Mayans with human heads over many thousands of miles. I feel like that's the origin story of all sports. Maybe that's what you're getting at. Mayans and severed heads. And then every sport is just soccer. So basketball is jumpy soccer.

Hockey is icy soccer. Basketball. We talked about basketball. Football is runny, punchy soccer. It's all the same game. It's like a bunch of guys running with a ball trying to get into the other guy's hole. What's baseball? It's all just ball – like sexual assault with a ball.

Just like kind of penetrate your zone and kind of put it in your hole, kind of slap it into your net. All I know is I like hockey now. Now I'm into hockey. Yeah. I like this penetrating. A lady with pendulous breasts. Hold on. Does Stedman play hockey. Yeah. I like this penetrating. Wait, hold on. Does Stedman play hockey? Yeah.

Ridiculous. But it's all the same game. Field hockey is an icy hockey. I once had good tickets to a college hockey game. Live hockey is fun to watch. And that shit was fun. Fast. It's fast.

It's much more exciting live than it is on TV. And it makes a great sound. Yeah. Slap, slap, slap. And then you're like, push that guy up against the glass and make it bleed. Yeah, it was really a blast. But I'll tell you, I bought tickets to a Los Angeles Kings hockey

game that were not that good. And it was pretty boring. We were way far up there. We were pretty far away and it was pretty boring. But I don't like sitting. We were pretty far away and it was pretty boring. But I don't like sitting far. The problem is here's why I like going to a baseball game. I don't like sitting far away, but I also don't want to spend any money to speak of. So in baseball you can sit in the bleachers or you can buy tickets on Craigslist the day of and really score.

You know what you can also do? Sit in your living room and eat peanuts on your couch. Yeah, but football's the only sport. Well, basketball's all right on TV, but football's a great- Baseball is so boring. Baseball's boring on TV. Baseball's boring.

I love baseball, so you'll never convince me of that. I like to go to the park and I like to eat peanuts. Like a pigeon. Like a pigeon, yes. I like everybody else's rejecta. I like to pick up other people's rejecta

and chew it and see if it's food. But I just remember like my most vivid experience was I went to – I don't know what they're calling it now. Monster Pack Bell, AT&T Park, whatever. It's the most beautiful ballpark in the world, San Francisco. But before it was beautiful. So it might have been – I can't say. Anyway, which was this awful worst place in the world. I can't.

I'm sick. Anyway. Which was awful. Worst place in the world. Falling asleep while a guy was hitting pop flies and then waking up what felt like two hours later and the same guy was hitting pop flies. And that to me is every baseball experience. You're like – you look up what inning, who's that guy, why aren't any of these people fit, where's the guy with the peanuts.

Why is everybody kind of fat? This beer tastes like ass and now it's over. And then let me not get murdered in the parking lot. That's every baseball game. You know that thing where someone says something to you and then later on you think of the perfect reply? It's my whole entire life. So you know what the guy should have said to the old lady after she said, is that a Valentine's gift? He should have said, it is now and handed it to her.

And then fucked her. In Canada, you're legally married if you do that legally binding first thing you said was not where I thought you were going to go but second thing was exactly where I thought you were going to go so I'm like psychic and then not psychic partially psychic like the lady who comes into the restaurant with the roses

and tries to give it just come into a restaurant with a bouquet of hockey sticks for the lady for the lady next call please call it's really embarrassing when you're just there with a friend of the opposite sex like we're not we're not i can't she doesn't we're not in a hockey stick really 150 dollars hey jordan jesse and guest uh this is kevin from petaluma i think i just had the best – I think I just overheard the best thing in my life recently.

I was at a popular clothing store when a short, portly man went up to one of the cashiers at this clothing store and asked him, do you have any shoe jewelry or shoes with pockets? I do circus tricks. It was pretty amazing. It was pretty amazing. It was pretty amazing. Changed my life. No, no. Boy, this is – I just need a little more information.

What – is this JCPenney? If so, this is hilarious. But if this is some sort of like – Like downtown shoe warehouse. Place you would get this. Discount shoe warehouse. But here's the thing. If this is a shoe store shaped like a castle.

If you're a clown, you should be making your own clown shoes. Sure. You should be creating your own clownery and juggling items. You should be buying them on the market. You know, our friend Colt Cabana is a professional wrestler. And he taught himself to sew so he could make himself his own little outfits. Yeah, exactly. Because that's what you should have.

That should be a skill that you have. Including special shoe boots. All this shit. Yes. If you were a contestant on Drag Race, would you be going and buying your drag outfits? No, you would be sewing them out of curtains and dollar bills and tears. And that's how it should be. That's how it should be.

Shoes with pockets. I also want to point out that this was, while he said Jordan, Jesse, go at the beginning, this was probably a call for our friends at Stop Podcasting Yourself whose signature segment is overheard. Yeah. So if you overheard something. He probably called everybody. He probably called everyone hoping it was going to get on the air somewhere. Yeah, yeah.

If you overheard something, that's a call for our friends from Canada, Dave and Graham, the hosts of Stop Podcasting Yourself. And if you have thoughts about an action or sci-fi movie, that's for our friends at Wham Bam Pow. It's not for – how did this get made? I don't even know all the podcasts. You guys already know like a thousand things more about podcasts than I do. If some – well, aren't you a jock? Stop bullying us, Aisha. I don't even know how I got railed into this.

It was like – Don't listen to her, Jessie. It gets better. It gets better. Don't listen to her. Don't listen to her. And I told them I would do this. That's the only reason.

And my paper better be done by Monday morning. Yes, ma'am. I will fuck you up. That's right. Symbolism and Moby Dick. That's the one. If something momentous happens to you, share it with us. It better not be copied off the internet.

984-4-FUN. 206-984-4-FUN. Or email us, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Hey, gang. Make Your Thing is a conference for independent creative people. What does that mean? Oh, you know, freelance writer, blogger, independent musician, filmmaker, film editor, professional wrestler.

We do have a professional wrestler who's going to speak at the conference. We even have a butcher who's going to speak at the conference. It's a place for people who make things on the internet, especially to come together and share stories and ideas and make connections and do all of the things that boring, lame people do at boring, lame, regular business conferences, but with awesome people who make stuff. It's for, you know, people who do stuff on the side, people who aspire to do stuff full time, people who do stuff full time.

It's going to be here in Los Angeles. And besides all of those things, it's going to be super, super fun. But we've only got a couple weeks left to fund it. So please go to makeyourthing.la for the Kickstarter. That's makeyourthing.la and do it now. We've got tickets and lots of other cool stuff you can get. So please go to makeyourthing.la. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Aisha Tyler, Canadian enthusiast. Look, I'm going to just come out and say this.

Aisha Tyler has been a delight on our program. Yeah. Hasn't she? She's a delight on television. Yes. Thank you. Whether you love her arbitrary offerings of points on the hit show Whose Line Is It Anyway? Completely arbitrary. On the CW network.

Whether you love her hilarious characterization of the character Lana on the funniest show on television. It really is. Archer. Can I say something about the last episode of Archer? Yes. Spoiler alert. Tell me what it was because I watched them on DVD to prep for an interview. Oh, my God. DVD? What just aired?

Do they still make those? This is the episode where they are trying to get Pam. Pam's addicted to cocaine. Yeah, they're trying to get Pam off cocaine and they're wondering whether they should use the neural chip to cure Judy Greer's stage fright. There's a new neural chip, like the one they used before on Archer. Or to get Pam off cocaine. Anyway, there's a moment. Your character is –

I don't even know if you're laughing. Spoiler alert if you haven't seen it. I'm laughing because I'm just remembering how funny Archer is. There's a moment where – Seriously, I'm thinking about Pam going... Yes! That's the sound of cocaine eating. It's the same sound she

makes when she eats a bear claw. She's also found a way to make cocaine yogurt. Oh, sure, yep. Cocaine yogurt was in this one. There's a moment where your character is pregnant. You're wondering whether you should stick with the group or abandon ship. Yes.

Because I'm a mother. Yeah, you have to look out for your baby. These people are terrible people. And there's this moment where Archer gives you the free reign. He gives you a free pass to escape. And that's such a bonkers show. Right. But that little scene was one of the, that's, in all, I'm not even exaggerating, that's

one of the most, like, times I felt the most strongly during a TV show. I watched it this morning. Oh, that's so sweet. It was intense. Thank you. Yeah, so I've really, like, come to care about the Archer gang, even though it's such a bonkers show with crazy jokes. I care.

I mean, Aisha, I said funniest show on television and mean it absolutely sincerely. No, that's not even a contest. Jordan and I are both basically president and co-president of the Archer fan club. I couldn't love it more. It's definitely not creepy. And your performance on it is exceptional. Thank you. That's why we do this at the end so that the person can leave.

So I can run. Can I say, first of all, thank you very much. I love my show and I'm, you know, a lot of people make it funny. I'm just one person, but like it's the thing that I love to make. It's like 50-50. It's like 75-25 for me. But I love it so much. And, you know, when you make something and you love it, you just like want it to win and you want everybody on it to win.

And I will say this season is going to be great because we're thrown together in a way we weren't before. You know, it was a workplace comedy. And it's still a workplace comedy, but it's more intimate because our workplace has exploded. So we're living together. In a trap door mansion selling cocaine. Right. And someone said, why are they still together? Trying to make a country music superstar.

And, I mean, what's keeping these people together besides desperation and nowhere else to go is like legitimate affection. I mean they're like a weird fucked up family now. And so I'm glad that that's coming across because I think it's like there's some rule about like, you know, if you care about the characters, then they can pretty much do anything. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I'm like, oh, I like the show because it has the most hilarious jokes of the show. But I'm like, oh, wait. Oh, I kind of love most hilarious jokes of the show. But I'm like, oh, wait. Oh, I kind of love these guys now.

I don't know. And it's literate. I mean the great thing about it is it's like literate and dick jokes. It's like the best. For sure. Absolutely. And then we don't care about your feelings at all. I mean like Gillette.

Gillette's been sitting in his own urine and feces for like weeks with no – in his underwear, in his own human waist. And nobody cares about him. And then what happened with Pam when Pam carried Cheryl Carroll up the stairs and then all of a sudden they were both covered in – what were they covered in? Vomit? Yeah, I think so. Just – yeah, general – You don't even know. They just showed up as like just human excreta.

Sure. Fluids, various fluids. We don't need – we don't want to tell you. You figure it out on your own. I have a crush on Pam. Who doesn't have a crush on Pam? When she's eating that cocaine, oh my goodness. Who doesn't want to have sex with Pam? My heart is beating like I had just

used eating some cocaine. I've wanted to have sex with Pam since she was sitting on the toilet watching Cyril have sex with Cheryl. Ruining his relationship with Lana in the first season of the show on Skytanic. And she goes, she goes, he goes, what am I? He's like first in tears. He goes, what am I doing?

She goes, she goes, ruining life and making it really hard for me to drop a deuce. Who craps and watches other people have sex? That's so awful. Aisha Tyler, inspirational hero. No. And also host of the Girl on Guy podcast where she interviews her famous friends. I've run out of friends and now I just try to...

Yeah, enemies, frenemies. Now I just try to stalk people and to get them to come being on my show. It's just you and Stedman now. It's just me and Stedman in a long form deep dive. We're going to get them to come being on my show. It's just you and Stedman now. It's just me and Stedman in a long form deep dive. We're going to get really granular.

Yeah. He and I are going to get granular. And it's been a pleasure. Brian Fernandez on the boards. Our theme music Love You by The Free Design

comes to us courtesy of that band and Light in the Attic Records, their record label. I really strongly recommend that you check out their music. It's really wonderful and they have a great best of on Light in the Attic.

Really worth listening to. Look, we don't even have any upcoming shows to mention. Yeah. So just fucking – We're too rich. How about this? We're too rich to work. Get up on that MaxFun Reddit.

A lot of fun stuff on that Reddit. Sure. That's a fun place to hang out. Hey, how about this? Shout out to Zylo Art. She made a really great, she made a really cool Asp Raptor.

Asp Raptor. Asp Tor. Asp Tor. Is it a flying snake? Well, our slogan for 2014 is Flight of the Raptor, Sting of the Asp.

Oh. And she created a sort of It's like a liger. Yeah, exactly. She created a hybrid creature, a beautiful depiction of this hybrid creature. Rasptor. I think rasptor.

That's my pitch. Rasptor. No, I like rasptor. Rasptor. Rasptor. Just search for- Because then it could convert to like a walking robot too. Oh, that would be so cool.

Just search for MaxFunReddit. There's a lot of fun stuff. And throw something. Make something. You know, make something or link to a cool article. Yeah. Hey, somebody link to this article about how some crows, as he said, spitting through his fingers like an old Sicilian grandmother. Do you need some salt to throw over your shoulder? Some crows, apparently the pope released some peace doves from his window and some crows attacked and ate them.

Ate them alive, ripped them limb from limb and drank their juicy, delicious blood. So that's crows for you. Their peaceful, peaceful blood. That's crows for you. Tastes like angels. I learned about that on the MaxFun Reddit. Thanks, God. Thanks, God, for releasing these doves into my past so I could rip them limb from limb and drink their juicy blood as it gushed from their little birdy arteries.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Cal. Super fun. Like Maximum Fun. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.