Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 313: Mental Bullying with Bill Burr

Episode Date: February 17, 2014

Comedian Bill Burr joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Valentine's Day, Bill's high school experience and Shia LaBeouf's new art project.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Another beautiful February day here in Los Angeles. Just celebrated Valentine's Day.

I've got three Valentines, my wife, and apparently my two sons. So congratulations to them. Wait, congratulations to me? Did you buy your son's edible underwear? To whom are congratulations due? I made my wife some paper flowers. Oh, yeah? Like origami style?

I felt like if I bought flowers, I would be buying into some kind of... I don't know if this is real. Okay. I felt like there was some kind of flower industrial complex, like a sustainable fisheries type thing. Sure. Where I shouldn't buy flowers on Valentine's Day. But I may have completely made that up inside my head. But as I looked at the flower place, I felt concerned that that was something I should be concerned about.

By the way, let me introduce our guest on the program. He's a brilliantly successful podcaster, much more successful than we are. He's also, in my opinion, top three stand-up comics in the world. I was going to say America, Bill, but I kicked it up to the world. You said the world. I'll take that. I mean, there are some great comics you're talking about. If you only said in the continental United States.

Right. My ego. In the contiguous United States. I would have stayed. My ego would have walked out. Really? Yeah. So we would have been talking to a deflated Bill Burr.

You would have actually been talking to a childhood Bill Burr. You're not kidding. No, no. We got just a broken down 11-year-old Bill Burr. I wasn't broken. Was I broken by 11? I was pretty damaged. That's the question we're going to ask ourselves on this week's Jordan, Jesse, Go.

Was I broken by 11? At what age was I broken? I love that you didn't buy the flowers. You didn't give in. I don't believe in the holiday either. I don't believe in like crowds and all of that type of crap. I mean I know they exist. I don't want to be a part of them.

So what I do is I try to – I just – we go out. Like I'm taking my wife out the last week of February. We're going to the restaurant we want to go to. There's plenty of seating. Food costs what it's supposed to cost. I'm going to do it during a weekday. There's not going to the restaurant we want to go to. There's plenty of seating. Food costs what it's supposed to cost. I'm going to do it during a weekday. There's not going to be any traffic. It's going to be perfect. I actually saw Bill Cosby

last night. She took me out to go see that. So that was the first time I'd been on a Valentine's Day evening I think since I lived in New York in like 07 and just all the traffic and all it. And I was just like, wow, I did not miss this. But it was totally worth it.

This might be more romantic than Bill Cosby. This is maybe a little bit of a personal question, but did the cause make you guys feel amorous? That's kind of weird. Sort of like a threesome element to it. That question. I would say, no, you know what it was? It was somebody proposed to their girlfriend to start the show and he riffed on it and all that type of stuff. And I watched him take that idea and turn it into something 30 minutes long, and then he called back to it.

So it was pretty amazing. Wow. I would like to see the comedy of Bill Cosby. I've never seen the comedy of Bill Cosby. I mean, I have on – He did two and a half hours. He's 76 years old. Was it two and a half enjoyable hours?

Yeah, sitting down. No, he tries to bore you. No, of course it is. No, I mean, obviously he's trying to entertain you. But two and a half is a lot of hours. Yes, it is. Even for probably the greatest stand-up comic of all time, Bill Cosby. Well, he just had a special come out, so I think he's workshopping some stuff.

And it was fun on just a bunch of levels to watch it, just as a fan, to watch it as someone who attempts to do what he does. I just mean just telling jokes and making people laugh. But he has his own little apartment up there. It's like a little four-by-four piece of rug. He has a chair that he sits in, a little table. He's got a thing for his bottled water. And then he has this little like invisible sort of headset thing that he puts on and you never see it again because it's clear. It's not like the Janet Jackson thing.

What was the venue? Where did you see this? At the Pasadena, I think. Like the Civic Auditorium or something? Yeah, the Civic. It was huge. It was like 3,000. By the way, Bill, I like that you clarified.

It's not like that Janet Jackson thing. Yeah. You have so much contempt for that little microphone. Because those were cool for about 30 seconds. Right. And then anybody who had them immediately was victim of the hacky, welcome to McDonald's, drive-thru, can't take your order and all that type of thing. You take your order and all that type of thing. I'd like to see Bill Cosby go on stage with one of those little tiny flesh-colored microphones that they put right at the edge of your wig on Broadway.

You know what I mean? No. Just to pick up your singing. Yeah, sure. You wear a wig in a stage production. You get a little tiny microphone that goes right at your temple. Oh, that's creepy. Yeah. Does it bore its way into your skull and become a microchip?

Absolutely. That's the idea. I mean, I'd like to see it taken a step further. I'd like to see Bill Cosby do some selections from Rent. Yeah, sure. Why not? I feel like it's entertaining. It has a lesson. That's what Bill Cosby's all about. The man's got a PhD in

education. Yeah, well, that was a major bucket list thing to go see him. So I saw him. I saw Carlin before he became a comedian. I never got to see Pryor. I saw Don Rickles last year. So I'm trying to make sure.

You know, I worked for so much to get where I'm at that I forgot to be a fan. So I'm kind of getting back in touch with that. Like, oh, yeah, I used to like to go to these things. Rickles does have songs in his show, doesn't he? Just in the end. He'll sing a song in the end. He is ridiculous. He's absolutely hilarious.

And yeah, he just still, you're like intimidated to be sitting in the crowd like he's going to, second he sees my big dumb head, this is going to be at least 20 minutes. At least you didn't wear your hockey puck costume because then he'll really get into you. No, he can pretty much, yeah, you're done. No matter what you're wearing, you're done.

Now, does Bill Cosby just go out cold? Does he have an opener? No. Can I guess who the opener might be? No intro? Dr. William Cosby? Nothing. He just walks right out.

Yeah? Just walks right out. Yeah, absolutely. And proposes Cosby? Nothing. He just walks right out. Yeah? Just walks right out. Yeah, absolutely. And proposes to someone's girlfriend. There's no intro. He just walks. And if you're not looking at the stage, the only way that you— Wait, they don't even say, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Cosby, the greatest stand-up comedian of all time?

Nope. He just walks. The only way that you—unless you're—if you're not looking at the stage when he walks out, what lets you know that he's out there is people start applauding. And then everybody stands up and then he goes, all right, sit down. And then he sits down and then destroys for two and a half hours and then he's done and he just leaves. And I knew he wasn't coming back for an encore because I saw him on Letterman talking about that. He thought he was the fastest person after finishing a show to be in the car and out of the venue. And he found that George Carlin actually did it faster.

So he tried to beat him, his record. If you can find it on YouTube, it's a great story that he tells. That's exciting. That would be a fun Valentine's Day date. I'm under the gun because I have to come up with some kind of date for my wife and myself, not only for Valentine's Day, but for the fact that we haven't been on a date in half a year because we have a four-month-old baby coming up. And are you guys using Valentine's Day or a few days after Valentine's Day as an excuse to go on that date or is it just it's time and it happens to be? Basically, it's a combination of factors, Jordan. Baby development factors? I'll break it down for you.

Yeah. Number one, spatial perceptions there. Sure. Object permanence. Yeah. No, it's about – it's gotten to the point where my wife is cool with – Once a baby starts developing a super ego, you can leave him alone. My wife is cool with leaving the baby for a certain amount of time.

So that's – when I say certain amount of time, I'm talking about three hours, four hours. Pink berry. Something like that. Take her to pink berry. Take her out for some yogurt or something. Just yogurt? Just yogurt? Or go – make her a nice meal at home when the kids are there.

Whoever shows up to watch the kids shows up and then take a rough for like gelato and then come right back. Go to gelato. Maybe head over to the post office, stock up on forever stamps and then come home. There you go. Handjob in the car. Yeah. I mean, that's a pretty, that's a well-rounded evening, certainly. Yeah.

It's got a little bit of everything. You got everything. You got a nice, you got fine dining. You got fine desserts. You got errands. Ice cream, errands and dinner. You got fine dining. You got fine desserts. You got errands. Ice cream, errands, and dinner. And hand jobs. Protein the size of your hand.

I think you're killing it. Technically, my wife probably considers a hand job an errand. Or a protein the size of her hand. Hey. Thank you. Whoa. Hey now. Wilbur, ladies and gentlemen.

Whoa. How much hotter in this fucking chicken coop is it going to get? It'll just continue to be hotter and hotter. This is as pleasant as the show will be. It will only get more unpleasant. Bill, can I sincerely tell you what you should do is unplug that lamp right there. You see it coming? Do you see the lamp?

This right here, yeah. You know what I feel like right now? This feels exactly like when they have you on the tarmac and they power down the engines, you know. And they're going to be like, hey, it's just going to be a couple of minutes. And then two hours later, you know, the bathrooms are starting to smell and people start talking about flyers rights. Bill, you unplug that lamp. You're also going to want to extinguish that campfire. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. Just throw a little sand on that. Incidentally, we want to thank our sponsor, JetBlue. JetBlue flying out of JFK International Airport. Right to Burbank. Beautiful. It's a great flight. Poor man's first class right there.

You watch ESPN the whole way. Eat eight bags of chips. The deal is my wife, we only get three, four hours. What's the date short list? The date short list, well, my plan was just go out to dinner. That's what I had come up with. But I can't decide whether it needs to be a special fancy place or a regular neighborhood-y fancy place or a favorite place. You need a place where you can talk, dude.

If you've been literally that inundated with kids and all that type of thing, I think you guys probably need to reconnect a little bit. I guess the Rainforest Cafe is out because there's all that. Because there's the floor show? Well, yeah, and the howler monkeys, the robot howler monkeys that go off every five minutes. That sounds horrific, whatever that is. But I would, on an off night, go on an off night, a place with good food that's quiet, easy lighting. You know what I mean?

But what about this? Here's another thing that came up. No, that's the only answer. I just gave you. That's it. Really? There are no other options. Your marriage is in peril.

Bill, you gave me a couple of different three choices. You gave me the dinner, the pink berry, and the gelato. Well, I saw a disconnect in your eyes. And I was just like, okay, this man needs to reconnect with the woman in his life. I have a floating retina. Yeah. You need a Wednesday or a Tuesday. Right. Just go out, you know.

Don't go to a movie because you'll both fall asleep. Right. I'm guessing from how tiring I guess having a kid is because I don't have any kids. But that's what I would do. I was thinking about buying tickets for us to go see Book of Mormon, which I haven't gotten to see. And I feel like the thing about going to see a show like that is, number one, I really like the idea of going to see a show like that that's good. But I really hate the idea of going to see a bad version of a show like that. Sure. You're getting the touring company. Yeah.

Well, I saw- This is the Sammy Hagar Van Halen. Right. Yeah. When I was in, I don't know, when I was in high school, I guess, 14, 15, I visited New York and I saw Bring in DeNoise, Bring in Defunct with Savion Glover. And it was fucking unreal. It was fucking amazing.

Like still one of the highlights of my life. And then just for some reason, with school, a school group or something, maybe a year later, I saw the touring company without Savion Glover at a weekday matinee student show. And it was fine,

but it was not a great theatrical experience at all the difference is i think of those touring companies everybody's a little overweight and they all have hacking coughs yeah but isn't that the premise of the book of mormon yes i think that's the idea come on they're not overweight they're just not the guy you're used to that's all it is i i um i so i've been thinking about that because I feel like it's a slope downward. Like this is the second best production. The best production of the Book of Mormon I could see is the – probably the first production on Broadway, the one that everyone loved with Josh Gad and all that stuff. The second best production maybe is the L.A. production.

You know what I mean? We're here in Los Angeles. This is – It's a one-man show starring John Cryer. Yeah. It's just, it's Judd Hirsch. Sure. In the Book of Mormon.

Judd Hirsch and Ed Asner star. He just changes cardigans. And I, so I think it's probably a good production. But this is the one I auditioned for and got turned down for, remember? Yeah, the one that they demanded so if they're if they're if they're if they're turning down me i mean they're obviously getting a pretty a-list piece of talent probably denzel i mean i haven't seen the casting list but it's

got to be yeah usually when i don't get something denzel gets it right well it's one of those things tired of that uh yeah i mean i would have liked to have been in training day i think i would have put a little bit of a different spin on it. I wouldn't have said the N-word so much, first of all. You would have got it out of that hacky black cop, white cop thing. You could have just been like, one guy's a dick. Yeah. One guy's a little more understanding.

Sure. You could have saw more of a human element without the ugliness of slavery hanging in the background. Yeah, I mean, that's what I pitched. That's what I pitched when I was in there. I mean, yeah, my problem with that movie is it reminded me of America's shameful past. The Middle Passage is what the – ultimately, Training Day is about the Middle Passage. If you want to see a great movie, which I can't – of course, I never remember the things, but Don Cheadle was in it. If you're – anybody out there near a computer can look it up. Don Cheadle did a movie with this famous Irish actor.

Oh, The Guard. The Guard. The Guard's a terrific movie. I enjoyed The Guard a lot. It was white cop, black cop, but this time the black cop was going into a neighborhood he didn't understand and he didn't get the slang. He was going to some hardcore neighborhoods in Ireland and it was... And then they avoided any sort of...

I always feel like the Black Cop, White Cop movie always has to have the apology from the white side where you got to make the white guy sort of a moron

in a lot of ways. Just doesn't understand everything from having a good time, how to relax, to how not to accidentally offend people around them. Like it just – every character is always like – he's never understanding, right?

So this one, what I liked was both white and black people could go see this movie and you'll – hopefully you'll like both characters. And neither one is compromised or cartoonish, I would say. Plus it's set in Ireland so you don't have to worry about the legacy of slavery. Not at all. But I've traveled over there. Some slavery. But I've traveled over there, and sometimes you think you guys weren't involved.

Then you find out they were a port that held them for a while. I believe, I think I was in the Netherlands. And I actually said, yeah, because you guys weren't involved in slavery. And then they all were like, no, no, no, no. And I thought they were going like, no, no, no, no. But they were being sarc no no no no but they were being sarcastic like no no no no what knows and they thought i knew well not since the 70s they thought i knew and it wasn't until afterwards the other comic picked up on it's like you didn't realize and i was like no i didn't two things happened to me like one time i

was in uh stockholm sweden and i went on stage and I said, what's up, Switzerland? I said, it's great to be in Switzerland. And they all laughed. And by them laughing, I realized I said it wrong. And then I just played it off. Played it off. Totally played it off. That's my famous Switzerland or Sweden bit.

It wasn't this trip. It was the trip before where I was still really, you know, green as far as traveling. You're pretty uncomfortable around big groups of white people. Oh, yeah. The whiter – yeah. I can understand. Well, you need to learn a lesson about having fun. I need to loosen up.

Loosening up. Sure. I need them to teach me how to dance. Can I recommend something? I know that you think you go to church every Sunday. But if you go to one of these white people churches on Sunday, you will really know what it is to— You'll know what real church is. Yeah.

To praise the Lord. Yeah. To praise him. You'll know what it's like to soulfully clap on the downbeat. Or on all four beats. Yeah. One, two, three, four. Yeah.

The classic one, two, three, four. The polka beats. Yeah. One, two, three, four. Yeah. The classic one, two, three, four. The polka clap. Yes. $300 or something it costs to go to see Book of Mormon. Wow. Really? It's mostly sold out. I guess it was only $150 or something before scalpers got a hold of tickets.

Yeah. I mean- The cheapest ticket I could find to go to see Book of Mormon the weekend that my in-laws are in town when they can babysit my baby was $175 a ticket. I mean, I know you guys can only leave the house for three hours, but maybe just extend that a little bit. Spend all day waiting for rush tickets. Get sleeping bags. Lay out there on Hollywood Boulevard by the Rainbow Room.

You know what? Maybe we should just – maybe Teresa and I, my wife Teresa and I, should just do a production of Rent. Yeah. Not like a full production, but like an in-concert type thing. Like a best of. Yeah, sure. You know what I mean?

The band's on stage with you. Yeah, we just do this show. That is a musical literally about, it can't just be about a guy catching the HIV virus and dying. It can't be that. It's about nine different guys catching the HIV virus and dying. It can't be that. It's about nine different guys catching the HIV virus and dying. But is it a – it has to be – there has to be some ray of light in the damn show. Yeah, I mean –

There has to be. It's about – yeah, I mean, sure. It's about creating a – There's 925,300 guys with AIDS. How do you measure how many guys have AIDS? I was in theater school when Red came out. If you guys weren't smiling,

I would have thought that that was an actual song. Because I was such a beautiful singer. Why is Broadway like that? It's either absolutely ridiculous, like cats. Or it's just like,

you know, we weren't accepted and now we're all going to die. Sure. Or am I just generalizing? I think Broadway is about big emotions. It's about, you know, it's singing to convey an emotion. And that's, you know, I think that works best with tragedy.

I thought it was one singular emotion. Yeah, every little step it takes. See that? I've had some Broadway references. Yeah. Every little step you take. See that? I've got some Broadway references. Yeah. Every little step you take. You know what I do like? I like that they have live music.

A live band playing. I do like that. It's nice. It's a warm sound. If I had more vocabulary, yeah, an orchestra. Well, sometimes there's a live band. Sometimes it's Smash Mouth, depending on what show you're seeing. You guys really don't know about the little microphone.

It sort of goes around your ear. I'm aware of the wig mic. Oh, around your ear is different. You said you point it up to the top of your forehead and your hairline. But it depends because they hide it in your wig, so it depends what kind of wig you have. What if you have a full head of hair? It's not the kind that comes and sticks out down your face. Well, hey, if you've got a gorgeous head of hair, I say just hide it in there, buddy.

Yeah, like what if you'll bring it out? You know, if I had the kind of head of hair you're talking about, I'd have six. If you had a Tim Robbins style head of hair. It'd be six feet long and six feet tall, gentlemen. Exactly. And I could put a Shure SM58 in there. You could put that one of your beards, dude, if you don't trim that thing soon. One of your beards and one side of your beard.

One piece of beard. One piece of beard. One segment of beard. Yeah. So it's settled. I don't think he likes the comments about the beard. It's settled then, Gelato. It's a new beard.

So I think you're still kind of adjusting to beard life, right? Yeah. I haven't decided at what point I'm going to cut it. Yeah. I mean, I think people probably comment on it a life, right? Yeah. I haven't decided at what point I'm going to cut it. Yeah. I mean, I think people probably comment on it a lot, right? Yeah, they do. It's fine. I mean, this is how I feel after I got my penis enlargement.

That's all anyone can talk about. Right. Sure. Well, I mean, to be fair, after you got your penis enlarged, you rarely wore anything from the waist down. But just like – just give me a little nod to acknowledge it. It doesn't have to be the topic of every conversation. Right. I mean, to be fair.

I feel like I was becoming my penis enlargement. Like I was just a character defined by my giant surgically enhanced penis. I said that you never wore anything from the waist down. And a lot of times you wore those barefoot running shoes. Yeah. And I know that you wanted to talk about those. And I feel like that's what this is about. You know what's weird about those things?

Those things quite haven't caught on, but they're not going away. That's true. They're teetering on the edge. They're holding steady. I feel the same way about razor scooters why are there still razor scooters razor scooters are really hanging in there i feel like something about those toe shoes is that you know you kind of know the kind of guy who would wear those but every once in a while you'll see it on a different kind of guy and that's what's disturbing it's's like, oh god, a bro has

him! Ah! You know, it's not just like a fitness nerd or something. They're supposed to be great. I'm actually hired by the corporation to just say positive stuff out loud. Really? Yeah, I walk around Times Square with them on, just going, wow, these are amazing. You know, talking

to beautiful women who are hired to talk to me. We just had Joe Montana on our show, and he kept bringing up Skechers shape-ups, and I guess it's the same thing. Yeah. It was amazing. You should see his calves. Burn an extra three calories every time. Yeah, I went clam digging with him, man. He looked amazing.

Never would have known he played football. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Cameron Esposito. And each week I'm joined by my fellow podcasters, Ria Butcher. That's me. And Ricky Carmona. I am Ricky Carmona We talk about action and sci-fi movies

on a little show called Wham Bam Pow You can find it on MaximumFun.org It's amazing Super fun True dat Reviews, news

and stuff you can use It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Bill Burr. Stuck in between them. Bill, it's such a joy to have you on the program. Thank you so much for coming on our show. Thank you for having me.

I'm glad we're doing the show bench style now. Doing it facing the same direction on a bench. Yeah, it's one of those new picnic table restaurants that we're doing the show, recording the show at. Right, yeah, exactly. Family style. Everyone has to sit at the same – God, I hate that. Don't make me sit at the same – God, I hate that. Don't make me sit at the same table with people I don't know.

I don't want to go into a restaurant where it's one long table and I have to sit with people. It's fun. It's social. That looks good. Where are you from? Do you say that to – You don't say that to people.

Why does that bring you back to the cafeteria days where you feel like you don't have anybody to sit with? What if you go in there by yourself? Can you sit at the cool table? Do you have to sit at the married table? I was broken by cafeteria days, so it's hard for me to judge. What's the worst thing that happened to your high school cafeteria?

Man. Well, my high school, I went to an arts high school, and so there wasn't really a cafeteria. That's not high school. There was a place where the food came out of. Did you guys start singing in the middle of it and jumping up on the table? People would be saying, yes.

I didn't. I was not doing those things. But, yes, that was a thing that was happening at my high school. Not a joke. Totally sincerely. Wow. Yeah. That shit was going down at my high school regularly.

Wow. Yeah, that shit was going down at my high school regularly. I had the classic upperclassman came over and told me I had to take his tray up. What? Yeah. Like he was done with his food and you had to bus it for him? Yeah, but he wasn't that big, but the kid he was with was big. Huh. So you just had this big guy kind of-

I had a guy who was a little bit bigger than me telling me to take his tray up with a guy a lot – not a lot bigger, but big enough. Were you a freshman or a sophomore? What was – I was a sophomore. You were already running back on the football team, right? No. No. I think my voice had barely changed. How dirty was this tray?

Are you having to, like, balance stuff? I didn't do it. I just said no. I was just like, all right, I'm in school. How deep were you? So how long can this ass kicking – I mean, is a teacher like – there's always a teacher within, I don't know, at least 30 yards away. So you just do the – like my little brother used to do when he tried to get me in trouble with my parents. If I'd slug him a couple of times, he'd just go, ow, quit it.

He'd just make like a lot of noise. I just would have done that. So I just said, no, I'm not doing it. And then he caved. It's the first time I ever bluffed anybody. The other dude caved. He goes, come on, man, I'm asking you to do it as a friend. He switched it up.

He changed tactics. He tried to emotionally blackmail you. Yeah. And then it worked out. And it was weird. I wasn't scared when it happened. But the second it was over, I was worried for the rest of the day that he was going to beat the shit out of me. Oh, for the tray thing.

Then you got back to the letter and you found the – then you got back to your locker. You found the letter he wrote for you. It was really kind of heartfelt that he left right before you went to the – I found that he was just as attracted to me as I was to him. And that was my first gay experience. Do you like bussing my tray? Check yes, no, maybe. The whole thing dumped glitter all over us. Did you have backup at your table, though?

You weren't sitting by yourself. This is sophomore year. You already had the burr. No, we were all small. The burr buds. Yeah, we all had the same jackets on. Slick back hair. They all had pictures of hornets embroidered on the back. The Burr Buds. Yeah, we all had the same jackets on. Yeah. Slick back hair. Yeah.

They all had pictures of hornets embroidered on the back. Yeah, there it was. No, you know, it was what it was. I didn't always win. I remember one time there was some – one of those guys just like – he was just a man child by eighth grade. I mean he looked like an ape. But he stopped growing. And by the time I was like a sophomore in high school grade. I mean, he looked like an ape. But he stopped growing. And by the time I was like a sophomore in high school, I was actually taller than him.

But when I was in sixth grade and he was in eighth grade, like this dude looked like a fullback. Like he was probably like 5'6", which was gigantic for an eighth grader. And he was filled out. I think he went all the way through puberty. Like he was done. I remember I walked by him and I had my stupid orange. My hair was like mostly only orange at that age. And I walked by and he was talking to these pretty girls.

And as I walked by, he grabbed the back of my head and just like – didn't grab it but just mushed his hand in my hair and just went, fire! Like that. And there was nothing I could do about it. like that and there was nothing i could do about it and i fantasized about murdering all of it beating the shit out of murdering just all this shit to that kid probably for about a good 17 maybe my early 30s i finally let go of that it's so funny because in the spectrum of bullying that is so low like like that is almost friendly, you know? It's weird the things we – I mean I remember the –

Oh, I had other ones, like literally physical ones. Yeah, yeah. Getting the shit kicked out of you on the bus. That was always fun. I remember there was this dude who just started punching me. He was trying to explain this punch that he loved to do to people. He was using me as an example. This guy was such a bully that he had methods

of punching. He liked punching in the side of the head and then catching like the top of your ear. You were essentially like the guy in a women's

self-defense class only without the suit. I just remembered all I was saying was he'd hit me and I'd go, I just kept saying that didn't hurt. And it totally did.

Every time it fucking hurt. I like the idea of bullies getting together. I hadn't thought of that in like 30 years. It's hilarious. I had a friend named Max who went to my high school, but he transferred from out of the district, which was a thing you could do because it was an arts high school. And he is now a doctor. He's six foot two inches tall. He's about to get married to a beautiful Italian woman in Italy.

Is he mobbed up? Absolutely. A hundred percent mobbed up. He's a mob doctor. Yeah, he's a mob doctor. He takes out the – yeah. He did not go to medical school. He has a year of veterinary school.

That's right. He did go to medical school, but he was a guy who worked at a tomato stand. Yeah. He worked at the tomato stand. Yeah. He worked at the medical school. Yeah. Tomatoes are very popular on medical school campuses, by the way. Long day. A lot of bad vaudeville performances.

Sure. You just grab. Well, yeah. It's a good grab and go food. So here's the thing. So my buddy Max is a great guy. food you know so here's the thing so my buddy max is a great guy but when we were in high school before our senior year of high school he couldn't have been taller than five one five foot tall and he also until our senior year of high school he had long hair and when i say long hair i mean

he had like waist length hair crystal gale Gale. Yes, exactly. He was like a skateboarder, surfer guy from Marin County. He was asking for it. So they beat him with his own board? So at our high school, people didn't really get beat up. It was an arts high school. It just wasn't a thing. But

at the regular high school that he went to, I would just hear these stories from him that he would just get beat up in between every class. Just in between every class, somebody would hurt him. And one time he had a substitute teacher in his class. And this is – I think he told me eighth grade. And sub in the class and he says – the substitute's a math problem or something. He says, can anyone do this?

And Max raises his hand. He says, okay, come on up. And Max is doing a math problem on the board. You know, Max is bright. He's a doctor now. He's doing a math problem on the board. He says, she's doing a great job up there, the substitute teacher says.

And Max turns around and says, he. And starts doing the problem again. And the substitute teacher says, she is doing a good job on the board there. And Max says, he. And the teacher says, you know what? I'm not going to take any more of this from you. Go to the principal's office and send him to the principal's office because he so looked like a girl that the principal,

that the substitute teacher would not accept from him that he was a boy. Maybe she was just the substitute was trying to teach you guys a lesson that gender is fluid. Yeah, that's a good point. Not a binary, guys. Did he get beat up on the way to the principal's office? Typical cisgender situation. Yes, he did. And then he got beat up on the way to the principal's office? Typical cisgender situation. Yes, he did. And then he got beat up

on the way to the office. And then by the principal. But he grew. Our senior, like in between when we finished junior year-ish and the end of high school,

he became six foot tall. He grew a foot in 18 months. It was crazy. It was madness. Screaming in his bedroom. He's growing. He's just kind of

every night he goes And his hair becomes above his ears because his head gets so big. I just picture him just every night going to sleep

like enclosing an egg around himself and then the morning he just bursts forth from it covered in a purple goo. You guys are big sci-fi fans I can tell.

No sir. How about Mork? We both love Mork. One or the other. We both love Mork. Oh, I'm a Mindy man. Yeah, when you guys start riffing, like my lack of a science background, you said binary and I was just done.

You also said super ego. I just sit there. I literally feel like I'm back in school going like, don't call on me. Don't call on me. How many more minutes are left in this class? Those are all like – those all come from like touchy-feely liberal arts college. Those are what those words are from. Those are mine. These aren't – this is sci-fi stuff.

This is American studies and literature major type shit. Oh, OK. All right. Whatever. It's impressive. Don't worry. Thank you. That's really nice of you, Bill.

Anyway, so there's a new super collider. Yeah, sure. I'm afraid it'll cause- What type? Hadron? The other kind. This is mental bullying, what you're doing right now. Oh, man.

Wait until we take a break. I will tell you that what I did today, my little science thing today, I have an old truck that I bought, so I don't want to be that guy who has the old car and doesn't know how it works. Right. I've done a few things on it and some people have shown me some stuff.

What are we talking about? You started by changing the oil? Oh, come on. Give me a little bit of credit. Jesus Christ. I don't know how to change the oil in my fucking car. Well, I mean,

that's literally just you're just unscrewing a plug and letting the oil drain out and you take a filter off. See, it's something kind of advanced. You put new wipers on it, some real gearhead stuff. Wipers are a bitch. But no, I converted the front.

This guy, Christopher Titus, showed me how to. He basically told me what to do, but we converted them from drums to discs. So I was watching just how this whole thing on the differential. I'm trying to psych myself up because you're supposed to change the oil back there every 30,000 to 50,000 miles. I guess it smells like ass, and I'm up for it. I want to— You're ready to do this thing? But I never knew.

I used to think that whole piece underneath there, I thought that was all the axle. I didn't know that the axle was in there, and it's in two different long pieces. I thought it was one long rod. If you're looking for a real challenge, throw in a six-disc CD changer. Yeah. That's my recommendation. That's electronics. I can't do that.

Okay, sure. I've installed a couple aftermarket car stereos. That's about all I got. Anything electrical to me is magic. I don't even get how it works. You're like a matron in 1910. Like an elderly woman. No, just the whole black one's always live.

The white one's the ground. It's like the end of the action movie. The clock's ticking down. Why when I put a chunk of lead in my Blu-ray player does it turn into gold? I don't know. I don't even get that. I don't either. What am I talking about? It's magical. Yeah. It's magical. Well, it's alchemy. It's a hybrid of magic and science. It don't even get that. I don't either. What am I talking about?

It's magical. Yeah. It's magical. Well, it's alchemy. It's a hybrid of magic and science. It's alchemical, yeah. That's a good point. Jordan, what have you been up to lately?

Well- Killing bankers. Yeah. That's why five have died in the last month. Sorry, guys. Are you accusing him of being a Spanish anarchist? No. I'm hoping that it's a vigilante.

Is this a real thing? Bankers are dying? Yeah, like four or five have committed suicide. I didn't know about that. I work for National Public Radio. High level, I don't know. Who knows? Maybe somebody just keeps posting it on the internet like it's happening. Do you think it's because they're secretly lizard people?

No, I don't believe it. Do you think it's because they bought an old truck? No, I don't believe it. Do you think it's because they bought an old truck, but somebody was like, you can't even fucking switch from drum brakes to disc brakes? You guys, you guys, stop mocking me. No, I feel like, I don't know what it's from. I hope it's the stress of the job or a bad woman. I hope it's not like they've discovered what's really going on and now they need to be eliminated. I hope it's not that. Bill, what kind of truck did you get?

68 F100. Oh, that's fun. Short bed, three on the tree, shifts on the column. It's badass. Oh, that's really fun. Badass. Chrome pipes out the best. That's a cool color.

It sounds great. Now, is it going to be like a smooth, pretty type situation, or is it going to be like a denty, junky type situation? No, it's nice, but I use it. Both of which would be kind of cool. No, no. It's nice, but I use it. Both of which would be kind of cool. No, no, it's nice, but I use it. It's a truck. Right.

You know what I mean? So like if I buy something that requires a truck, I will use my truck. I'm not one of those guys. Like a massage chair. Like don't like, you know, don't, you know, don't put any scratches in the bed. I don't want to do that

because I can always get it painted again. My big thing is to make- You're not worried about money. You can get as many fucking paint jobs as you need to. What are you talking about? If you scratch your bed, you can just get it repainted. It's not a big deal. Yeah, they always have those 99s.

You're a successful man, Bill Burr. You're just down to help some motherfuckers move. You know what? I'm actually going to learn to take compliment. I am successful. I'm a 22-year overnight success. I am, goddammit. You can paint that bed.

You know what? I can do it myself. What color are we looking at? Blue? Huh? No. No? Black?

Well, listen. Purple. I'll tell you what. I'll show it to you. No, I don't want... There's not many of them out there. I don't need people going, is that him? Is that him?

And I get heckled enough on stage. I don't need it when I'm pretending like I'm worthy of driving this vehicle. There it is. Just don't say what color it'm pretending like I'm worthy of driving this vehicle. There it is. Just don't say what color it is, but there it is. Come on, man. Look at that. That's some dazed and confused shit right there.

That's a very handsome vehicle, Bill. You're going to look very cool driving around in that car. That is the worst thing anybody's ever – that's almost an insult. That's a very handsome – That's very smart looking. I think I could probably give you a better compliment on this thing. I smell a setup. Yeah. This is darling. This is darling.

This is darling. There it was. Oh, you got me. It's precious. We should mention. It's adorable. I know that you said not to say what color it is, but if I say it's the same color as a lilac. I mean, Aztec warrior holding a dude woman isn't really a color.

Yeah, La Malinche is an interesting choice, but I appreciate it from you, Bill. I like lilac. When I take an Epsom salt bath, that's what I tend to do. Really? Throw a little lilac in there. I like the lilac. Well, my wife likes it, and I wouldn't. I don't know what the regular one's like, but the lilac's very nice. I recommend it.

Excellent. Duly noted. Sorry, Jordan, I cut you off when you were about to say what was up with you, what was going on with you. I really wanted to know more about Bill Burr's- He's doing the Joey Kramer story. I wanted to know more about Bill Burr's truck. No, it was a great truck. It's a really cool truck.

It's a very nice truck. I wish I had a cool truck. I used to have a cool truck. It was great. I'm sensing tension between the two of you. Does he never let you- Does he always ask you each week, like, what's going on with you? And then he goes to the guest? Then he talks about Bill Burr's truck. It was great. I'm sensing tension between the two of you. Does he never let you, does he always ask you each week,

like, what's going on with you and then he goes to the guest? Yeah, then he talks about Bill Burr's truck. Yeah. It's convenient

that you're here. It makes a little more sense this week. That's why I'm here. I used to have an El Camino, Bill. It was really cool when I had it

and I sold it. I don't have it anymore. El Camino's a shady car, man. I'm a shady man. Yeah. You don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

that's like, I'll get you. Yeah, it was always driving us. Especially if't know what the fuck I'm going to do. That's like – I'll get you. You know, it was always driving me nuts. Especially if you're one of those fucking bankers. Bankers. Yeah, right. No, not bankers.

I mean – Those fucking bankers. You should read up on it, dude. You know how I'm getting the bankers? You ought to read up on – you know something? I am a fucking moron, but through conspiracy theory, I have made very wise investments. Really? Because I – I mean, I don't think the moon is made out of cheese.

I don't think 9-11 was an inside job. But you paid a lot of money in the cheese business. But I think that banking – I just think it's a Ponzi scheme. I don't think the money is there. I think they keep taking it out. There are some people at the top just keep getting paid. I don't think that they're all conspiring. I just think it's a part – it's the flaw of humanity. It's just greed. And you're getting

rich off this? Yes. You've made the right moves. That's why you're a part-time banker. I have made, I have made, I will plow right through your jokes. I have made, I've lessened the fuck over. That's the best you can do. You can't – unless you have a legal information, really fucking kill it. But you can take a couple feet of dick out of your ass if you pay attention. Like two, three. Well, look.

I just started. Like I did all the dumb – oh, you got to invest your money. Right. And immediately you make money and you give it to somebody else. Stupid move. Right. And then you put it in the stock market. Another stupid move.

Right. Another stupid move. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, well, I'm only going to invest in things that are tangible. So I invested in like, you know, companies. Like Ricky Henderson. Companies that dig for gold or agriculture. You know, something like that. So then I'm sitting there like going like, all right.

Prospectors. You cut a check to a prospector. A grisly old prospector. No, no, no. A major company. A major company. Yeah. A major company.

A conglomerate of grisly old. Yeah, amalgamated prospector. Hey, with binary whatever. Anything to just get you guys to listen to the end of this. All right? But in the end of the day, I'm just sitting there going, I got to wait till he's done.

At the end of the day, I don't have any gold. I don't have any of that agriculture. I just have these shares in it. So I finally just decided, fuck this. If you're going to have gold, you buy it.

If you're going to have agriculture, you plant it and pay off your house. I can touch this. This thing won't go away. You can fuck with the price of it. You can make my house only worth a quarter, but if I don't leave,

I don't get wet when it rains. And I'm telling you, that is the best you can do. Unless your last name is like Rockefeller Bush or whatever. If you're Blue Blood, if you're Kennedy, if you're in the game, if you're a made fucking guy. I think – if you're Blue Blood, if you're Kennedy, if you're in the game. I don't know. I think I'll just invest all my money in Vine. I think that's going places.

Just put it in Vine. Six-second videos. Six-second videos. It's just a really short video. It's great for hype. It's great for marketing. It's great for building buzz, personal branding. And then you sell it.

Industry disruptions. All right. Then you sell your Vine, right? You sell your Vine company for $1.2 billion. Then what do you do? Where do you put that money? Probably prospectors. You're right. Shorter videos. Shorter videos. A company for $1.2 billion. Then what do you do? Where do you put that money? Probably prospectors. You're right.

Shorter videos. Shorter videos. See that? A company that makes shorter. They never taught you. Yeah. And you're trying to hide behind your humor because you feel ignorant right now. I've talked you into a corner.

I mean, I think it helps you. And I'm not letting you out. Please stop bullying us. I'm not letting you out. You're bullying us. Both of you guys. You're financially pantsing me. You guys are both-

Teacher! You're both a couple of eggheads. You read. You're way smarter than I am, and you don't know shit about money. Look at you. Look at're financially pantsing me. You guys are both a couple of eggheads. You read. You're way smarter than I am. You don't know shit about money. Look at you. Look at you. I don't think that's true.

I don't think it's true. Number one, I don't read very much. Number two. Your shirt reeks of voracious reading. I don't think. You are a voracious reader. I don't think we're smarter than you. Jesse's shirt just says Eudora Welty on it.

Is that the right word? Voracious. Doesn't that mean I eat a lot? It means you eat books. You eat books. What is the proper word? I think you're trying to pretend not to be smart. And I don't know what the long game here is.

What is that? Who's pretending not to be smart? You are. No, dude. I have the high school transcript that will back up all of my claims. Different thing. I have a high school transcript that will back up that claim, too. You want to look at my high school transcript?

I was a very poor student in high school. Yeah, but you went to art school. You tapped out. Yeah, that's true. You tapped out. He tap danced. That's how he got out. His final was tapping.

His tap danced. That's how he got out. His final was tapping, his tap dancing. No, if you like joking around or if you want to know how many yards somebody gained in the 70s, I can retain that information. I don't know why. I remember that D.D. Lewis was named after two generals, Dwight David Eisenhower and like I think – I don't know. I forget the other one. But I just – I remember those football cards like it was yesterday. but I can't remember the restaurant I ate at two days ago. Bill, I have – you are describing – Please call me William. Literally.

Dr. Burr, you have a Ph.D. in education, am I correct? I have an honorary doctorate from Pueblo Community College. I didn't know they were issuing doctorates. Yes, they did. It's an honorary two-year doctorate. I have a doctorate in TV VCR repair. Clint Howard turned him down to speak at the graduation, so I was next in line. My areas of expertise are joking around and baseball players featured in the set 1989 Tops.

That's what I know about. So there you go. Jose Uribe is what I know about. So why do you dress like you're smart then? This is a whole misdirection. I dress like I'm a moron. I feel completely duped by you. You're on NPR?

Yeah, well, how do you think I got on NPR? It is hard for Bill to put on the costume. You got to put on the fit. You got to have that voracious reader shirt on. What is the proper way to use the word voracious? You're absolutely correct. You were right in there. I think you should get your own show on NPR.

All Things Considered. My wife listens to this station. All Things Considered. That's good. It's a good Robert Siegel. All Things Considered. Jim, where does it come from, all things considered? That's funny.

I just sit there and she listens to it. My wife is the coolest nerd you're ever going to meet. She's the best and she's a total nerd and she absolutely loves NPR. Fireflies. Nature's nightlights. You've been on my NPR program, Bill. You've been on NPR with me. What's that?

You've been on NPR with me. You and I were on NPR. Yeah. You know things considered. So what does that mean? What is this? It's not a denture commercial. Square pillows changing the way we sleep.

Can we just do these? Yeah, let's throw out some topics for his next show. The gaslight. Can hugs solve the financial crisis? All things considered. Obama's dog's collar. What's its... Okay.

It's tensile strength. I'm shutting this down. Before I get fired, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Hey gang, Make Your Thing is a conference for independent creative people. What does that mean? Oh, you know, freelance writer, blogger, independent musician, filmmaker, film editor, professional wrestler. We do have a professional wrestler who's going to speak at the conference. We even have a butcher who's going to speak at the conference. on the internet, especially to come together and share stories and ideas and make connections and do all of the things that boring, lame people do at boring, lame, regular business conferences,

but with awesome people who make stuff. It's for, you know, people who do stuff on the side, people who aspire to do stuff full time, people who do stuff full time. It's going to be here in Los Angeles. And besides all of those things, it's going to be super, super fun. But we've only got a couple weeks left to fund it. So please go to makeyourthing.la for the Kickstarter. That's makeyourthing.la and do it now. We've got tickets and lots of other cool stuff you can get. So please go to makeyourthing.la. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Dr. William Burr from Pueblo, Colorado. Great to have you on the show, Doc. Jordan, what have you been- All things considered.

I won't do it anymore. Go ahead. What have you been up to? What's going on in your week? Well- We went to San Francisco. We had a great time. Thanks to everybody who came out to SF Sketch Fest.

Tons of fun. What have you been doing since then? Well, I thought I would do the listener a favor. Right. Because I love the listener. Sure. Sometimes literally. Yes.

The physical act of love you're referring to. Right. Yeah. Sometimes I'll kiss the listener. We should mention we only have one listener. Yeah. And sometimes I'll kiss him. Yeah.

Hey, Jim, looking forward to coffee tomorrow. Get those smoochers ready. No things considered. See, it's contagious. It's fun. We got a catchphrase here. Last week we were talking about the kind of bizarre behavior that

Shia LaBeouf has been displaying lately. LaBeouf? LaBeouf. Peart. I think it's Shia LaBeouf. LaBeouf. LaBeouf. Peart. I think it's Cheyenne Peart. Neil Peart. To reference an off-mic joke that we were making earlier.

Neil Peart. So then I saw that part of the – one of the weird things he's doing is he is sitting in an art gallery on Beverly Boulevard. Here in Los Angeles. Right in the heart of Hollywood. And people can, it's an art exhibit he's calling hashtag I'm sorry. And he is letting people

go and sit across from him for an unspecified amount of time, however long you want to. And just say and do anything you want to, I guess within the confines of the law, in this little art gallery. So within the confines of the law, is that specified or is that just your assumption?

That is my assumption. Why is he doing this? Hard to say. Do you know the background of his misdeeds? I know he got busted for allegedly lifting a movie. Yeah, allegedly, but apparently it's basically a literal direct plagiarism of a Dan Klaus comic, like including shots that were composed exactly the same way, exactly the same plot. So now by him saying hashtag I'm sorry, he's admitting. So it's this weird thing of. Did he go on Marin's podcast or something and he got to him?

Marin broke him down? Yeah. So he's kind of been apologizing and also not apologizing. He's kind of like implying that the plagiarizing was the start of some sort of larger art project where he's commenting on what fame really is or something. Or the nature of art. The nature of art, the nature of fame. And yeah, so there's kind of this idea that- And if anyone knows the nature of fame, it's me because of the high school I went to.

Sure. This is my gut feeling about this whole idea. Bad move. Yeah. So we were talking about it on the show and I'm like, okay, well, I'm near this place. I'm within walking distance from this place. I should go and try it. And so kind of the thing of this is you – so I get there about an hour before it opens and I'm waiting in line. I'm like the fifth guy in line. By fifth guy in line, I mean I'm the only guy in line. There's like four 25-year-old girls who are there. So nobody showed up? Well, the line got very, very long. I guess the person who would be interested in seeing Shia LaBeouf in an art gallery, probably not an early riser.

Gotcha. So what time of day are we talking? I got there at 10. Come on. If you're going to go see the star of Indiana Jones versus the nuclear bomb. Sure. Get up. Wait a minute. I thought this was the guy who did the movie where people were jumping onto lawnmowers.

No, that's Mark Wahlberg. No, no, no. He was the star. M. Night Shyamalan. M. Night Shyamalan. No, no. That's a different man. Wait, so it's an actor who directed a movie.

The guy who played Indiana Jones 2 in the new Indiana Jones movie. Yeah, he's in the Transformers movies, and I guess he was a Disney channel star. So he's an actor, and he directed a movie. He directed this short film. I'm sorry to everybody pulling their fucking eyes out right now. Okay, I got it. All right, all right, go ahead. I mean, I don't think.

We'll get back to NFL in the 1970s soon. Hashtag I'm sorry now yeah anyways Johnny Unitas that's about all I got 60s took the game into the future

great point thank you and everybody Peyton or Tom Brady Johnny Unitas sorry go thank you so what you do

so it's me and these like four you know 25 year old girls in giant floppy hats who just loved him from the Disney Channel like they're not there because of art hats who just loved him from the Disney Channel. Like, they're not there because of art,

or they're not there to... From the Disney Channel. Not even from Indiana Jones, Transformers, whatever. All things considered. Put your dick in my mouth. All things considered. That's going to be my... Let's make that my new ringtone.

Then the next time I go to Washington, D.C. for a meeting at NPR headquarters, somebody call me and it would just be my phone going, put your dick in my mouth. I'm Robert Siegel. Put your dick in my mouth. All things considered. So the premise of this thing is you go into a room and there's a kind of lovely French woman standing in front of the table and she tells you to select an object. And there's this table with objects that somehow relate to Shia LaBeouf's career.

Like there's a Transformer doll. There's an Indiana Jones whip. There's a Dan Clouse comic. This is real? This is real. This sounds like the most pretentious thing I've ever heard in my life. Well, here's the thing. And I guess it's a copy of another famous performance art piece.

Yeah, I think it's like a Maria Abramovich piece. Yeah, yeah. So he's ripping her off again. This guy, he's compulsive. Yeah, but I mean I think now he has to have some sort of ripoff involved in whatever he does to justify that first ripoff. I don't know. Anyways, so there's this table and there's a transformer. There's a whip.

There's a pair of pliers. That's the kind of most sinister thing that's on the table. I don't know. Anyways. So there's this table and there's a transformer. There's a whip. There's a pair of pliers. That's the kind of most sinister thing that's on the table. I don't know if that's a reference. There's a bottle of Jack Daniels. Pulling teeth. Is that a movie he was in? No. It's just a thing you can do with pliers. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Like if you got your hands on a banker. Yeah, yeah. Oh.

All things considered, bankers, do they come out of Satan's ass? My answer, yes. So, oh, God, what else is there? Yeah, there's a Dan Clowes comic, but not the one he plagiarized. And so this French woman tells you to select a thing. It's probably just Ghost World, right? That's the one everybody loves.

Yeah, yeah, it's not Ghost World. Yeah, it's a picture of Thora Birch. Oh, she looks good in that. Oh, she looks great, yeah. It's not Ghost World. Yeah, it's a picture of Thora Birch. Oh, she looks good in that. Oh, she looks great in that. She does. I remember. And you go in and you sit across from Shia LaBeouf at a very tiny table, like a card table.

And he is wearing a tuxedo with a paper bag on his head that says, I'm not famous. There's eye holes cut in it and the bag is stained like he's been crying. Mm-hmm. And. So like bright red. Huh? Bright red. The bag?

Yeah, like he's been crying. The bag is wet. With, yeah, it's red. Oh, oh. Like with tears. Oh, I forgot. Jesse, you've been having that stigmata lately. You've had that bout of stigmata?

Yeah. No, no, these are human tears. These aren't like a Christian, an empathetic Christian wound. I gotcha. Okay. So here was my plan of action. I'm going to go into this little room. I'm going to fart. I'm going to leave.

It's not a bad plan. I had a huge iced coffee before I walked over. Sure. I didn't eat anything. I'm like, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go. I'm going to rip the loudest fart in history and then I'm just going to leave. Maybe I'll salute after I do it.

Right. So I'm standing in line for this. And this is something you – and I want to explain to the listener. Oh, my God. How did you interrupt right there? You just wanted me to fart in this guy's face with a paper bag over his head? It's called building tension, Bill.

You're a man who can drink a large coffee on an empty stomach and then just get to tooting. Sure. It's within your control. Sure. I have a very... I do Kegels but for my sphincter.

Yeah. So yeah. I'm like – as sting is to sex, I am to farts. Yeah. Right. Tantric farts. Yeah. Tension built.

What the fuck happened? And so I'm – and as I'm in line for this thing, I'm just thinking about what I'm doing here. And as I'm in line for this thing, I'm just thinking about what I'm doing here. Like next door in the art gallery, the art gallery next door, like Funny or Die is setting up this like parody shoot with somebody else. This is like how my wife tells a story. God's sake. We have a long time to fill. How long is this fucking show? We're doing a whole podcast, Bill.

So I'm thinking to myself, I can't – I don't know, maybe I don't want to do this. Maybe I don't want to do this fart thing. Maybe I want to, like, actually have an experience. Maybe I want to do, I'm going to do the best possible version of this thing. Like, I'm going to go in and I'm going to actually. With the most beautiful fart you can. I'm going to actually. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. I don't even like farts. I just. They're fun. I'm sorry. No, no, no. I don't even like farts. I just – They're fun. I love them. They're great. I like burps more. I'm a burp man.

So I get in there and I'm like, I'm just going to do this. I'm just going to try and experience something that's not snarky. I'm not going to be the TMZ version of this. Because this is just made for TMZ to shit on. This even kind of seems like the point. And you're going to rise above it. Yeah, I am. I'm going to be a patron of the arts. You're going to

enter the world of art. You're going to open your heart to something wonderful in yourself. Oh boy, I mean like 72 it was breezy I put on a sweatshirt when I came out but I had to tie it around my waist

is there a perfect degree do you feel that makes you want to release well it's hard the air within you 72 degrees within your wheelhouse

right folks we're out of time so I sit down and he's there fucking bag on the head i have the bottle of jack daniels i got the bottle of jack daniels and uh the first thing that i said was like uh hey so i i do this podcast and we spent a pretty good chunk of time last week uh making fun of you and you know talking about all all your crazy behavior. And we really talked a lot about it.

And I'm afraid that it went from a place of comedy into a place where it got kind of mean. And I genuinely feel a little bit bad about it like i feel bad that like as a comedian i have the um you know i have the ability to to go to a place where something stops being funny and it starts being toxic and i started talking about like all the things i've said on the show that i kind of like regret and when i heard about it hurting someone's feelings and uh and you know it's just like i don't know you know obviously i want to be a comedian and I want to make people laugh, but I don't want to be a bully. And I don't know. And then I ripped the world's loudest fart accidentally.

Yeah, and then I was like, I don't know what you're doing here. I genuinely don't know what your end game is with this. But I mean, best case scenario, you're trying to be a better person. You're trying to be a better artist and a better human being. It's probably not even him. I've seen a lot of pictures where people – I guess people can take off the bag. I guess that's something you can do in there. Yeah, and then I just said –

It's not illegal. No, totally not. Not illegal yet I should say. Obamacare. Yeah. Bankersacare. Yeah. Bankers. Mm-hmm. And I said, yeah, I'm trying to be a better person, and I hope you are too.

And I guess just from here, we'll just try and take a look at what we're doing and try and be the best possible us we can be. And I took a swig of the Jack Daniels, very watered down. I'm sure they're filling this thing back up with water. Either that or my tolerance is just so through the roof. A swig of Jack Daniels doesn't do anything. Maybe I'm a drunk. Maybe both. And I reached out and reached out my hand for a handshake.

And he shook my hand and we made a little eye contact through his bag and then I left. So you didn't fart? I didn't fart. The whole time? The whole time. Did you actually went in and apologized? Yeah, I left. So you didn't fart? I didn't fart. The whole time? The whole time. Did you actually went in and apologized? Yeah, I did. At his apology gallery, I thought I would apologize for maybe being kind of a shithead.

So you sort of turned the tables on him. Yeah. I like this. No, I didn't. He was in the two-minute offense. He threw a pick six to lose the game. Jesus Christ. Do you think I should have farted?

I don't think you should have gone. Yeah, to do this in the first place? Because I think it was a completely self-serving fucking thing to do, and it's a way of worming. For who? Who was serving themselves? If he did what you guys say, which I don't know. This guy is guilty. This is an unbelievably self-serving fucking thing to be doing.

And then you going down as you just like you're going down there is just uh you're you're being sure i'd be you're enabling him yeah right exactly i'll tell you what this is my my feeling about the situation is i don't look i'm i don't feel comfortable saying that i'm friends with dan klaus but he's been on my show a couple of times and all of the times that he's been on my show, I have always been so impressed with what a lovely guy he is. And like, you know, like I could send Dan Klaus an email and ask him a question about something or something. You know what I mean? And I was like, really? Fucking Dan Klaus.

You're doing this to Dan Klaus? Just a guy in Oakland who likes to hang out with his dog and draw comic books. You know what I mean? Like, of all the people to jack some shit from, you know, that was the part that I didn't like. Sure. Do a fucking weird art project. That's the thing. Like, do a weird art

project. James Franco, I'm all for all of his weird nonsense. I think it's fun. Any gay bar video he wants to make. You know what? Like, you're James Franco. You know, he's a bright, interesting guy. He's a talented actor.

He's a handsome man. Go do some weird shit. That sounds great. That's a great use of your fame as far as I'm concerned. I'm not buying any of Shia LaBeouf's stuff. Any of it. The whole performance. I'm not buying it.

It's just through hearing it from you guys. And I think the whole bag over the head and the tears coming down is so you'd go in and you'd feel sorry for him. And you'd come on and tell this story and be like, you know, he's not that bad a guy, man. Whatever. Who gives a shit? Well, here's what I kind of got from it. Here's what I – and I've been thinking about that too. Like worst case scenario, this is a famed, starved, coked up, crazy person looking for attention.

I don't think it's that. Best case scenario. Yeah. Best case scenario. This is just kind of a weird guy who's been famous all his life and he's trying to be a genuinely creative person as opposed to a Disney Channel cypher or a Michael Bay CGI decoration. He probably got paid like a million dollars by Jack Daniels or something. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it's all a viral Jack Daniels ad.

If a thousand people show up, he gets money. So it's between that spectrum somewhere. Somewhere between famestarved, coked up shithead and, you know, real guy who kind of wants to make something of himself. I've got to look up this guy's picture. Yeah, yeah. That's a hell of a name. People probably recognize him. How the hell do you spell Shia LaBeouf?

S-H-I-A-L-E-B-O-U-F. You know what? This phone's going to know that that's what I'm trying to do. After a while, your phone figures out like – Sure. That you don't know who Shia LaBeouf is. What kind of dumb you are. And they can guess.

He always thinks S-H is C-H. So it's one of these. It's one of these things. And we'll never know which one it is. But that doesn't mean – It's not a binary. Sorry, Bill. It's not a binary, Jordan.

Yeah. But it's like no matter – He could just – if he's the kind of person who wants to go down a path of self-improvement, wants to do something genuinely creative, he has tens of millions of dollars from his work in movies, which I do – I want to be clear. I totally don't begrudge – Not if they put it in the bank. I've never seen one of his movies or his television program, but he's got the money to do as he pleases. You know, go do George W. Bush. Just go home and paint some bathtub pics.

You know what I mean? Those are great. I am 100%. Speaking of shit that I am all the way behind, I'm all the way behind George W. Bush's fucking painting career. Yeah. I think that's great. I say fucking go for it, George W. Bush's fucking painting career. Yeah. I think that's great. I say fucking go for it, George W. Bush. What a lovely thing to do with your retirement because what the fuck are you supposed to do?

Bill Clinton is trying to be more famous and powerful than he was when he was the president of the United States. I don't think that's necessarily a good look. He's buying up land in South America that's on an aquifer. It sits on an aquifer. Yeah, the population is – sorry. What is going on with my phone? So I guess the thing I was trying to say is that you'll never know why or what motives drove this guy. How empty is your fucking life that you went down there for that?

I really got to answer this. It's a little empty. You're a good-looking guy. You got your whole life. I'm not working right now, Bill. I really got to answer this. It's a little empty. Okay, you're a good looking guy. It's a little empty. You know, you got your whole life. I'm not working right now, Bill. I'm not working right now. You got a lot of day work, though. I have some day work, yeah. I got to be honest with you, I've never seen this man.

You go down to the Home Depot and pick something up. I have never seen this guy. You know, he's kind of one of these people, like, if you haven't seen these couple of things, he's not like a guy who pops up places. God damn it, he's a good looking guy. There's no reason to steal when you look like that. What's wrong like a guy who pops up places god damn it he's a good looking guy there's no reason to steal when you look like that what's wrong with this man should not have a paper bag over his head got women lining up to blow you in an art gallery does it say i'm not famous anymore uh i i think something like that i'm not famous anymore i don't know what that means um but yeah my thing that i kind of got from it was that like even if somebody creates

something with shitty motives uh doesn't mean you can't get something from it doesn't mean you can't have a moment with it like it doesn't you know even if somebody created something in the most cynical gross way even if somebody goes in and robs the bank you know the security guard finally gets to fire his pistol there you go yeah exactly Yeah. Exactly. That's great. That's fucking life insight from Mr. Bill Burr. There you go. That bullet was created for a reason. Dude, you got to work on that part of your personality because psychos gravitate towards people like you.

They need someone as forgiving as someone like you. I'm serious. I'm not even joking. Do you ever notice some of the biggest asshole fucking just all about me kind of guys have the most forgiving, loving, giving woman that they can – that's how dumb I am. I can only come up with two, so I just say the first one again. A woman. They always end up with that. Always end up with that because no other woman will put up with their shit.

That's why my wife is so great. I love you, honey. If you're suggesting that I've been involved in some unhealthy parasitic relationships. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Anyway. Did you feel like you grew from the experience, Jordan? I don't know.

I feel like I kind of got something from it. I had a little chance to think about it. Like a chub. I got a half chub. Yeah, I got a nice semi. Yeah. I got to finally work the tube

that was placed in my penis by a doctor. Yeah, I don't know. I kind of did. I kind of was surprised that I got to have a moment of sincerity

in this thing that on its face is pretty dumb. Anyway. Did it make you want to... It's like... Yeah, it's like... It's like crying

during one of the direct-to-DVD Death Race sequels. Is that happening now? Which I have. Which one? Three. Two, though?

Nah. Two didn't do it for you? Two's pretty creatively bankrupt. But three, they bring it back. But three, yeah. They really- It's a tough thing to do, to recover from a sequel that stinks. I heard they did the same thing in the Little Mermaid movies.

I just heard that on International Waters. There you go. We'll be back in just a second. What are some of the best one, three movies? Let's talk about that when we get back. Ones and threes? Where the number two stunk. Where number two was a number two.

Oh, it's a shit joke, everybody. All things considered. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Bill Burr, the biggest Shia LaBeouf fan.

Really? That's the apology. Really? I actually wrote him a song. Shia LaBeouf. Yeah? It's okay you stole. That's it.

Oh, it doesn't... Yeah, no, it's just sort of like... You gotta see the bow, like the people at home couldn't see the bow. Just as a big Rent fan, can I just give you a note? Can he get AIDS? Can you learn that song? I feel like AIDS has been done. Okay.

Have you seen Rent? Can you get an award? I haven't. I would actually go, you know what musical is waiting to be made is what about, remember Ebola? Oh, yeah, sure. Everybody running with blood coming from all the orifices you've run out to the jungle you let it burn it out the great thing about ebola is it was in medicine if it comes on quick it goes away quick so when you

have something like that monster coming you just run into the fucking woods and you hope you don't get bit you know or whatever somebody didn't sneeze in your general direction and then then after like, you know, a couple hours, you can come back. Yeah. That's guaranteed. If anybody's hiding in the forest, listen to this right now. Just give it a good 120 minutes. 120. How come I can't open the fan?

You're going the right. Yeah, there you go. This is the way. Bill's got a beautiful. Parasol. Yeah. It's not a parasol. It's a fan.

It's a fan. It's like. It's a fan It's like It's a hand fan An Asian Asian style Or would you say That's more of a Dixie Belle Would you say

That's for For A Dixie Belle Like Bill Burr Oh no That's for like a geisha This is more geisha Yeah

Why is it Dust bowl colors On the bottom Yeah What about that, Jamie? Howdy. You know what? See?

I was totally wrong. It's for a Dixie Belle. I was totally wrong. I'm sorry. When something momentous happens to you, like you're hot in a recording booth and somebody happens to have a hand fan fit for a Dixie Belle on hand. You use it. We ask that you call us at 206-9844-FUN or email us at jjgoeatmaximumfun.org for momentous

occasions. Let's take a listen to our first call. Hey, guys. It's Ken from Virginia. I've got a momentous occasion. Driving home from work, I pulled up at a stoplight next to a really nice new BMW motorcycle. And as I pulled up, I kind of heard this thumping bass coming from the motorcycle. and as I pulled up, I kind of heard this thumping bass coming from the motorcycle, and I rolled down my window to see what this guy was listening to,

and it turns out it was polka music. He just had his polka tunes cranked up, and it was the tuba that was shaking the windows of my car on the way home. So rocking out to see polka music on your BMW, I think that's pretty momentous. Thanks, guys. Have a great day. Bumping. Yeah, right? I think you were eating a giant sausage

while he was just having a little Oktoberfest on the back of his bike. That would be great. I just had Willie Colon on Bullseye, a legend of the world of salsa. And I just got on one of those things where I was going around the Latin music Wikipedia world and

I was reading about Banda which is a kind of Mexican popular music that is very tuba centric and that's a new one. Tuba centric. I love it. It is and just the Wikipedia article just had this one line that

I really loved that said, due to the central role of tubas and oompa rhythms, fans of German polka music are sure to enjoy banda. Somebody just threw that shit into the Wikipedia. Yeah. That passed the relevancy test. Wikipedia. Yeah. That passed the relevancy test. Yeah.

I think there probably are. I have a friend who is very into steel drum in pop music. She has a playlist of every time a steel drum pops up. Maybe there's a- A crossover. Yeah. I actually think there's a level of ignorance to that, though, because there's all kinds of music that involves the guitar. If you're into like, say you're into whatever, when I listened to heavy metal when I was

growing up, all that hair metal crap that I was listening to, you know, that didn't mean that you were going to like James Taylor just because they both had a guitar. So I think whoever wrote that is painting with a broad brush. Whoa, seriously though, you don't like James Taylor? With tuba.

That guy paints on the emotional canvases of our lives. Yeah, but the sad ones. I've seen fire and I've seen rain. That's just all things considered. But I always thought I'd see. I'm James Taylor. One more time.

James Taylor paints on various canvases that are kind of bummers. Let's take our next call. I don't like baby boomers. That's what it is. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, esteemed guest. This is Jake from northwest Arkansas. I have a momentous occasion. I was at the thrift store flipping through some back issues of National Geographic magazine,

and I come across an August 1978 issue. It has a pretty slick painting of some dinosaurs fighting on the front. I go to the middle, and there's the classic fold-out with all the different dinosaurs, and I open it up, and there are two taped-together porno shots, one called Cutie Moody Teasing Terry and Boobs Galore. So I scored pretty big on that, finding some vintage porn,

picked away in an old National Geographic at a thrift store. You know what? Anyways, thanks so much. Bye. There was one direction that this call could have gone that would have made me happy. He says, I'm at a thrift store, flipping through the National Geographic.

I come across one, and on the cover is the only thing that would have made me happy, Coco the gorilla. If you say Coco the gorilla there, I am in, because Coco is a fine animal gorilla. However, and she'll tell you, she'll be the first to tell you that, any other topic in National Geographic, I'm not fucking interested. But if it's about that fucking fine animal gorilla, or of course one of her playmates. Ball Ball the kitten.

Sure. For instance. I'm in. Yeah. Are these highlights magazines references? No, you don't know about Coco the gorilla. We're not talking about goofus or gallant here. I know King Kong. I know King Kong. That is a famous gorilla. Dude, why the fuck are they teaching those goddamn

things sign language? What's wrong with it? The only good that can come out of that is they can express how unhappy they are in zoos and they can outlaw fucking zoos. But other than that, dude, those things have like the strength of 10 men. Yeah. What are you doing? And I'm not saying that they're going to take over the planet like all of those movies, but they can, you know, if one of them can rip your face off, just think about 20 of

them doing like Green Beret hand signals without people noticing in a park. They mostly teach each other. They mostly teach the gorillas words about kittens. So it would be one gorilla and 19 kittens. I don't know. I got a friend of mine. He's a marine biologist. He just went to a zoo in Nebraska where they had taught this chimp sign language. And it was able to express like where the hell are you, where you been.

And it also expressed like how much it didn't like it's like they know they're in a zoo and they don't like it. I hear all the monkeys end up saying is wish didn't know language. Now can identify sadness. 206-984-4FUN is our number. That's more monkey ignorance. No, I'm sorry. I'm fucking with you. We'll be back in just a second.

I like monkeys. I don't like bankers. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Shia LaBeouf. You're not, I don't think. Where I'm sorry you stole. It's Bill Burr, who has a major tour coming up of Canada. Really? Yeah. Our neighbors to the north? That's right.

New Brunswick, Nova Scotia. Calgary. Aren't you used to being left out on those Celine Dion tours? Well, not with the Bill Burr tour. No, sir. New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New, Ottawa, Montreal. I think I named Hamilton, London. So you're doing two Vancouver shows, two Calgary shows. Three Calgary, two Vancouver, one Edmonton. In the places where you're doing multiple shows, is it one electric, one acoustic? They're 40 seaters. It just sounds better to be adding shows.

Right. Yeah, I'm going to lose tons of money, but we're adding shows, folks. Yeah, I do one where I just sort of just lean on the mic stand and tell my jokes, and then the other ones, I just go false anger for the whole one, just screaming as long as I can. That's what I do. You know, the Canadians love that. I think bring that up north.

They're going to eat it up. Yeah. They're way more. And if you watch hockey, you understand how – like Michael Moore is so fucking off base the way he looks at that country. They lose a playoff series and they spontaneously riot. And a riot, as they always say, is an expression. That's a good point. I learned that.

I'm an American studies major. There's something else going on. It isn't just the fucking game. Right. All right? Their contribution to professional sports is a game where you can beat the shit out of somebody and you only have to sit down for five minutes. You can come out and do it again. You have to go on essentially a timeout.

You have to do it three times. And he's up there acting like – You have to get in three fights in hockey? It used to be that when I was growing up. It might be less now. Now they're a little. Like now they barely even fight. I'll tell you what.

When I had my hockey video game on the Sega Genesis, I'd make a whole team of this one guy, Ty Domi. Ty Domi, he was slow. He was terrible. But if you had two teams of Ty Domis playing each other, all you did was fight until there was blood on the ice. Ty Domi is one of the toughest guys. I actually met him about a month ago. What? Yeah.

Ty Domi from Sega Genesis? Yes. And the Toronto Maple Leafs. Yes, and the Toronto Maple Leafs. I did a thing for Mario Lemieux has this wonderful foundation, and he brings in comedians. For my money, the better hockey game on Genesis, Mario Lemieux hockey. Mario Lemieux, there you go.

Everybody loved NHL hockey. I know. Sorry. I loved my NHL hockey. I don't mean to come on here and just air my controversial opinions. Why not? The fighting was more realistic. You know, you're the yutz who wants to tell me that baseball stars isn't as good as base wars. No, I concede that.

I was just being a contrarian asshole when I was saying that. When you smoke cocaine, like that's base reminding me of that. Right. It's like, what do they cut that with? Like it's something other than cocaine? When you eat cigarettes. Yeah. There's a little lilac in there.

Yeah, because somebody I know like recently was at a party. This wasn't me. I would say it was me. I would have opened with the story. But they were at the party and somebody asked if this person wanted to smoke cocaine. And they're like, you're smoking crack? And they were like rich kids. And they were like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're freebasing. So I was like, well, I know it's baking soda, it's crack. So what is freebasing? All things considered. How to smoke powdered cocaine. The difference between cocaine and crack. Why the fuck would you do that? You ever saw those Richard Pryor bits where he's trying to

set down the pipe and he walks all the way to the other side of the bed or whatever and then he has to come and the pipe's talking to him? I mean, it's just unbelievable. I'm the guy.

I'm the guy who can do what I'm not good at. It's like strung out junkies don't know a lot about classic comedy. You know, that's a great point. But no, but there's always that guy

who comes to the school. Yeah, sure, yeah. Right? The guy who made it out, comes out the other side. Yeah, Richard Breyer came to my school. He never came to your school. I was living into a dumpster. I went to an unusual high school.

You went to school on the Sunset Strip. With his famous album, Live on the Sunset Strip. That was your high school. That was my high school. So long story short, Ty Domi was a great guy, and he actually talked about how he would fight guys like a foot taller than him, which I think a lot of your listeners who go to their art schools and then go to schools where they get bullied, you could learn a lot. I've been to two hockey games in my life. I've never watched hockey on television before.

I enjoyed the hockey game. I had good tickets for a college hockey game and enjoyed that. And I had bad tickets for a Kings game. I did not particularly enjoy that. But I'll tell you what, there's a thing that I don't a hundred percent understand, which is just guys like Ty Domi. What is the mindset of a guy like Ty Domi whose job it is to fight people?

Well, you know, I didn't, I kept the conversation a lot lighter than that. I didn't go like, dude, what the fuck was your mindset? I think you should do it. To me, that guy, he's amazing. Who wants to get in a fight?

A fight is scary. This guy literally did it. He did it multiple times a day for his job. Not multiple. One or two. Well, now the way the NHL is, I don't think anybody's ever going to break his record for the sheer amount of fights he had. He was saying over 300 fights. This guy had over 300 fights.

If I could. With people who trained him. You know how many fights I've had, Bill? I've never had a fight. I've never struck someone in anger. I think his mindset is his mindset is this is a boring sport.

I should do something to make it interesting. It's not boring. It's cool. They're skating around super fast. It really is a great sport. Well, I'm sorry I made that joke then about hockey. You're right. Let's have an earnest discussion about hockey. There's got to be some earnestness in this. That's hard to say. Bill Burr has a smash hit podcast, a Monday morning podcast.

You can enjoy it in your iTunes. You'll find it in the top ten or whatever. Everybody's in the top ten at this point. We're not. Yeah, you are if you find the right angle because I've never been on a podcast. Every podcast will be like, we've got 900,000 downloads, and we're the number one furniture refinishing podcast on iTunes. To be fair, we are the number two furniture refinishing podcast on iTunes.

Goddamn right you are. We're number two. And we're number five in gay and lesbian slash twinks. You know what we do? The reason we're not number one, number one, they strip, they sand, they rebuild. We just go and get Restora finish. We just go down to the hardware store, get that Restora finish, and just put it on. Someone's got to go mainstream.

You know, just put it on and cover up the scratches. We don't get involved in the whole stripping it down, building it back up. Hey, listen, I think Nickelback gets criticized way more than they should. Right. And I feel like you guys are the same way. Yeah. Thank you. I agree.

Thank you. Finally, someone was able to are the same way. Yeah. Thank you. I agree. Thank you. Finally, someone was able to put it into words. You know what? Let's put that in our iTunes description. I feel like Nickelback gets criticized way too much, and I feel like you guys are the same way. Bill Burr. There you go.

There we go. Bill Burr. Can we just shorten that? Can you just say you guys are as good as Nickelback? I'm going to put a bag over my head with tears coming out. Bloody tears. Bill, your dates for this big candidate tour are on your website, I presume, which I'm betting is BillBird.com. That's right.

Starts March 1st and ends on the 19th. Listen, I said this at the top of the show, and I'm going to say it again. Bill, you don't have to listen. Okay. I really think – I was thinking about it really hard on my drive out here. I'm a huge Maria Bamford fan, as anybody who knows me knows. I have a tough time saying Maria is not the best in the business. Oh, come on now.

But – She's up there. She's right up there with everybody. I have to say that you will not – Shecky Green. He's right up there with everybody. I have to say that you will not see a more masterful stand-up comic perform on a stand-up stage than Bill Burr. He's brilliant and hilarious, just an amazing, amazing gifted performer. And if you get a chance to go see him, do a real headlining set, just take care of business. You can't see Maria Bamford.

Go see the Bill Burr see Maria Bamford get out there and do it who go see the Bill Burr and Maria Bamford tour is which is the she's my last I can't follow her I've had to follow her

down fucking Largo it's brutal the fire and ice tour the binary the binary tour anyway do go see

go see Bill because he I appreciate he really is a brilliant he really is a brilliant practitioner of what he does and he's also and he's also

not dumb as he claims to be. He's a very, very smart comic. Bottom logic. That's my endorsement of Mr. Bill Burr. Thank you. That's very nice of you. Our producer is Brian Fernandez, a.k.a. Sonny D. Love you by the Free Design

courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records is our theme music. Our thanks to them. You can email us at jjgoe at maximumfund.org or call us at 206-984-4FUN. We'll be on the forum at forum.maximumfund.org. A lot of Jordan Jesse Go action on the Reddit. On the Reddit. Search for MaxFunReddit. You can find a lot of cool stuff on the Reddit there.

A lot of, you know a link to crow shit is mostly what we're talking about. You know, anytime some crows are in the news, people post it on there. Reddit looks like programming code to me. Yeah, it's pretty. That's why the people who like it, like it. Oh, is that why? Oh.

Yeah, because it seems, because it's sort of forbidden. Yeah, I think it's made to be, or obtuse. It's made to keep you out. Yeah. Then you've got to crack the code. It's a little ugly. It's also for people who hate aesthetics. Do you know how many times I've seen Shawshank Redemption and every time I have to look up obtuse?

I still forget what it means. All right. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.