Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 314: Live at SF Sketchfest with Rob Corddry and Scott Simpson

Episode Date: February 24, 2014

Rob Corddry and Scott Simpson join Jordan and Jesse live on stage at the Eureka Theater in San Francisco.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. This week's Jordan Jesse Go was recorded live at the San Francisco Sketch Comedy Festival, SF Sketch Fest. Enjoy! I, uh, I thought we were going with humble entrance. And then you started fucking grandstanding. Anybody who's listening at home. And fucked my shit up. Jordan, when is the last time I went with humble entrance?

We talked about mixing it up. Some of these are our people. Do you guys think this is the Mr. Show reunion? You're in the wrong theater. But at the right festival every year for the last 12 years. Man, it's great to be here. I'm a San Franciscan. I've been spending my entire last couple days

and my next couple of days doing family-related stuff. Have you done any cool stuff, Jordan? Well, I flew here. Flew to the Oakland Airport. That's what you want to do, Oakland Airport, right, guys? Oakland Airport from the Burbank Airport. Let me hear you. Yeah.

Let's hear it for Bob Hope, folks. I got an airport meal before I boarded the plane. The Bob Hope Airport is lovely, but not a lot of food options. It's a modest airport. Yeah, and I think that's part of its charm. Right, sure.

The rest of the show is going to be about this particular airport. Yeah, and I think that's part of its charm. Right, sure. Anyways, the rest of the show is going to be about this particular airport. But they have kind of a cafeteria-style place where there's some steam trays of hot foods. Imagine, if you've never been to the Burbank Airport, just imagine the airport from the television show Wings. That is exactly what the Burbank airport is like. And I was in line just, you know, hoping to get some chicken out of a steam tray.

Can I also say, after I, Frankenstein, Aaron Eckhart works at the Bob Hope airport. Wow, random Eckhart slam. Where did that come from? Was on wings he wasn't on wings who was on wings steven weber i probably was thinking tony i thought you were just being randomly mean to aaron eckhart i thought aaron eckhart was on wings i must have been thinking of steven weber yeah who Steven Weber. There's two white guys on Wings, right? I like the idea that all white guys are Aaron Eckhart.

Well, basically. But I think we should run with this. I think through the show, let's just slam some random celebrities. Maybe we should just slam Aaron Eckhart. Yeah, right? And his pretty consistent body of work, right? Usually good in things. Some career missteps. Yeah, a consistent B-.

What? So I'm in line and the woman ahead of me is just taking forever and she is chatting up the guy who ladles out the hot food and I kind of listened over to their conversation, and I heard her say,

which of your pizzas is the most popular? Like she did not want to be seen with anything less than the most popular pizza at the Burbank airport. Give me the good stuff. Yeah. Was her perspective on it. Is there something off- off menu I can order?

Can I get it animal style? Is that the question? Yeah. I've actually, I've been thinking, since I've been up here, I always, whenever I'm up here, I always find myself wondering whether I made the right choice

moving to Los Angeles, you know, going into the entertainment industry. And as the tech economy has exploded up here, I find myself really wishing maybe that I had gotten in on that on the ground floor. Yeah, I mean, some people call it the new Hollywood. Yeah, I... Well, certainly Aaron Eckhart does.

What? Since he got kicked out of the old Hollywood, am I right, guys? I really thought Aaron Eckhart was the white guy from Lanes. For 10 years, I've been thinking that. Okay. It's weird because I have such vivid memories of wings, like that it's exactly the same as the Burbank airport. So I have been, I had already been feeling bad about making this choice to go into, like, public radio where there's no money.

Yeah, sure. I mean, the tech industry's exploded. It's glamorous. And also, I've heard that it's such a great industry to work in because specifically of the perks. Yeah. And I know, like, probably a lot of people have heard about that there's going to be,

I guess, a Google ferry, right, that goes from the East Bay to Google or something like that. Actually, no, I think you're mishearing that. The Google ferry actually takes your teeth and replaces them with search engines. Gotcha. You put your teeth under your pillow, and when you wake up, there's a search engine. You put your teeth under your pillow, and when you wake up, there's a search engine.

So, yesterday I was actually reading... I had a second tier of enjoyment at my own joke. You know what, Jordan? You did all right. The first tier of enjoyment was when you were imagining a generic search engine. In the second tier, you were imagining AltaVista. That's why I have a boner right now, because I've been imagining AltaVista. Man, I thought about DuckDuckGo before we came on,

and I have been hard as a rock ever since. A smattering of applause for DuckDuckGo. About as much as when Jesse said, these are our people. We'll take it, though. So, I was reading a great magazine, I don't know if you've heard of it, U.S. News and World Report, yesterday.

Know it. I love it. Yeah. There was a great article about some of... You didn't ask me if I knew it. You asked me if I had heard of it. Some of the best tech company job perks. It's not just a Google thing. There's companies where you can go on vacation whenever you want for as long as you want.

That's a real thing. At Google, you get breakfast, lunch, and dinner for free from a private chef. I've been to Pixar. They all work in little Home Depot sheds that are shaped like houses. There's all kinds of these great perks. Yeah, no, I think, and if you want to go over this article, I think it's really informative. We're kind of like trying to leave the comedy thing behind and just be a more informative podcast. Yeah, there's a great show on KLW here called Work with Marty Nemco, and I see that as being

my sort of long-term career. Yeah, yeah. Infotainment, I think, is what people want. This is, oh man, this is a really great one from Dropbox. It's called Ultimate Breakfast. Some of these have names, some of them don't. I don't know why. It's an oddly formatted article you'll notice also it seems like it's on 8.5x11 paper

that's how they print US News and World Report now and you just tear it right out, it comes out real clean I'm just going to quote directly from the article if you don't mind. I wouldn't mind. On-site hog slaughtering in an authentic Kentucky-style smokehouse mean Dropbox has the best bacon in the tech biz. Want eggs?

Want eggs? Fourteen cordon bleu-trained egg wizards will whip something up for you, and there's always plenty to go around thanks to the dozens of live chickens that roam freely through the halls pecking and shitting as they please. I mean, that's pretty amazing. It kind of makes you want to work at Dropbox, right?

That plus unlimited storage in your Dropbox for media files, that's really good. It is. It's great. Grindr's headquarters is split in two by a real river. There's an actual river. Employees enjoy fishing,

swimming, and of course, tubing. And don't worry. Those are basking sharks, which are not dangerous to humans. Sounds like a fun perk. It is a great perk. Oh, this is a really good Google. I mean, Google has a lot of these. It's called Lil Mission. Lil Mission is a dynamic theme park housed on 88 acres of prime real estate on the Google campus. Just like the Real Mission district in San Francisco,

the Lil Mission features hot restaurants, colorful dive bars, and chic boutiques. But the Lil Mission isn't full of whiny natives who insist that they deserve to be treated with respect by rich young white men with no responsibilities. It's like heaven on earth. I'm excited to work, though, at Flickr. Flickr is where I want to work.

Yeah, at Flickr, employees are encouraged to be leaders in their communities and actually in other communities as well, which is why they recently took over the Greek Ministry of Infrastructure, Transport, and Networks. This is just straight from U.S. News & World Report. Originally housed in the Greek capital, Athens, it's now in a former server closet on the third floor of Flickr headquarters. There's no permanent staff, but regular employees are welcome to stop by and order the construction of a new road or waterway.

Can I read one? Yeah, absolutely. Go for it. Go straight for it. If you work at Twitter, you can get something called the Stock Converter. This is where employees can drop off their Web 1.0 stock certificates and have them converted into fun,

FogDog.com-themed wallpapers for their office. So that's a good one. Oh, I love this one. This is one at Zynga. You guys know Zynga, the social gaming... Ron Paul abandons both Capitol Hill and his home district in Texas to hang out in the break room at social gaming giant Zynga three days a week.

The distinguished congressman will chat with you about just about anything, from the fountainhead to Brideshead Revisited. Here's one called Garage Dreams. In keeping with the started in a garage narrative, all desks at Jawbone are outfitted with a cardboard box of tangled Christmas lights and a kayak that you never got around to using. A lot of people in tech companies, I think, have dreams outside of the tech world. They wonder whether they may be sold out, and Yelp has a great solution to this one.

world. They wonder whether they may be sold out, and Yelp has a great solution to this one. Every sales rep at Yelp has their own Oculus Rift virtual reality helmet. I don't know if you guys have heard about this. This is a big new thing. So in moments of doubt that maybe they're making a mistake with their lives, they can just toss on the helmets and travel virtually to Los Angeles, where they can try and eventually fail to find work as a screenwriter, all without leaving their desk. The world is also filled with virtual Angelenos to annoy with complaints. Oh, this is, I love, are you guys familiar with the sharing economy? This is a big new thing.

Read this, it's a great one. This is great. If you work at Airbnb, Airbnb knows all about pooling resources for maximum effectiveness and maximum profit. That's where the DLL comes in. The DLDL, or

Dildonics Lending Library, leverages the power of the sharing economy in the service of personal sensual satisfaction. Borrow and lend butt plugs and anal beads, even bottles of lube, and you could help disrupt the pleasure industry. I'm most excited.

The one that really I wanted to do was at eBay. eBay takes its cues from history here. Employees looking to gorge on fatted calves, swans, and chickpea stews should stop by the vomitoria on the third, fifth, and seventh floors.

Eat until you're sick, throw up in a trough, and maybe suck a little dick on your way out the door. All with jaunty fiddle accompaniment. Anyway, I was just saying, it sounds like a great industry to work in. It was a great magazine article. I really enjoyed it. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sponsor on this week's program are good friends at Squarespace. That's right. We're very close friends. Jordan Jessigo is sponsored by Squarespace, the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. They've got a new logo generator that you can use. And if you have any trouble, you can call them 24-7. They've got 24-7 support.

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in the offer code box and you get 10% off your first purchase. Squarespace, everything you need to create an exceptional website. We got some up on the Jumbotron, too, Jordan.

That's right. It's for Laura from Ansley. Ainsley. Ainsley. Analsley. Ainslarb. From Ainsley, happy birthday to my sweet baby sister, now a grizzled 29 years old and in grad school.

Here's a public acknowledgement of your ta-tas. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. You can share your personal or small business message with anybody. If you want to advertise on our shows email Teresa at maximum fun dot org if you want to talk about your sister's jugs yeah this is the place to do it just text us

we do take picture messages we'll talk to you in just a second some more on Jordan Jessico how about that? Do you want to bring on our first guest? I would love to. You know him as a stand-up comedian based here in San Francisco as well as a beloved podcaster. Please welcome to the stage our good friend, Mr. Scott Simpson.

Yeah, take a seat, my friend. I have a microphone. Is this... We gave you a baby chair. Yeah. Is this some kind of power play? I just hunch. Is it called hunching?

It makes you guys feel better if I have to hunch between you for the whole... Yeah. Do you have any hand sanitizer, by the way? It's great to see you, Scott. Great to see you guys. You guys are the best. It's nice to be here at the Eureka Theater. This is where we did Monsters of Podcasting.

Blow those many years ago. Is anyone here? Was anyone... Is any... Was anyone who is... Anyone here that were then there? There's a French way to conjugate that. This is much more elegant.

These lights are giving us all a stroke. Me is what? Yeah, it's nice to see you. How's the world of stand-up comedy treating you? It's been good. It's been fine. You left, because you left... Everything is going fine. You left the tech industry to pursue your dreams of being a creative person.

That's right. Yeah, I took some advice from some of my idiot friends. Make your something. I don't know. And it's, you know, it has been really tough. You could be tubing right now. I could be tubing. When you mentioned Grindr before, I remembered that... Okay.

I was just reminded of a penis that I sucked. I'm a bad dad. Yeah. And I wasn't particularly adept at the parental controls on my son's iPod Touch. And one day... I didn't know how to limit... Playdates only. You forgot to turn off the leather

option. Playdates only. Shaved Asian playdates. One day he came to me and he said, Dad just got a dirty look from a shaved Asian in the front row. A shaved Asian baby. I don't think that's what it's called for. My son came to me and said,

Dad, how do you work this video game? And he was pointing at Grindr. That he had somehow figured out how to download onto his phone. And, you know, when you look at the logo for Grindr, I don't know if you've ever seen it, but it totally looks like a video game. It looks like a fun, like it's like a weird evil silhouette mask. Well, I think it's probably just a spelling thing.

Like Grindr with no E, G-R-I-N-D-R is the, you know, gay dating and hookup app. G-R-I-N-D-E-R is a video game that teaches kids to work at artisanal coffee houses. So that's probably what he wanted to play. That's probably it. It's a barista simulator. Choose your suspenders. And you can customize your own scowl.

That's what I really like about it. You can use a stylus to draw the disapproving frown. I like to make mine look like a hipster Mr. T. It's a woolly willy for unpleasant assholes. So stand-up is going well. It's been fun. It's been a weird year of not having to wake up at a time, which has been a strange transition.

So I don't. Fair enough. Yeah, and then I'll go to the library and take a nap. I do think that... So before a few years ago when I would just be in the parking lot of a CVS and I'd walk past a dude in his car sleeping, I'd think

that poor man, now I think if only I had the guts to be able to do that a fun car nap, midday car nap nobody knows you're there, your wife isn't mad at you for not making any money at all. On the topic of

strange things you do when you're trying to pursue creativity, being your own man, these themes that have been coming up, just a couple days before we came here, I had perhaps the weirdest comedy-related gig that I have ever had.

On Thursday before we came here, I was on set at a Subaru commercial giving alt-joke options to David Hasselhoff. Now, we should explain, what does alt-joke options mean? So they have a script that they've written. It's already Hasselhoff-approved. Yeah, Hasselhoff has approved it.

The Subaru people. Whoops, wasn't supposed to say the name of the car. Anyway. The good people at entire Bay Area car. The good people at lesbian motors. You know, Lesbo-Mo. Yeah. Just got glared at from a shaved Asian in the front row.

Are you not enjoying this, sir? Lesbo-Mo. Anyway. So, yeah. So they've written this script, but they want the spot to have a Lucy Goose improv feel. So they hire a writer to write other jokes to have different takes on it. Just throw them at the Hoff.

Yeah, exactly. David Hasselhoff, I think, noteworthy because I think his ironic career has been going on twice as long as his normal career. He has been making fun of David Hasselhoff for longer than David Hasselhoff has existed. Do you get the sense that he's doing it with awareness? Yes, very much so. And he's great at it. I was really impressed with him. He definitely knows

what people want from him. He's got this weird cadence. Everything he says is from a video teaching a non-English speaker English. Like everything sounds like the library is two blocks away. Like this cadence that you only hear in a video

or an audio recording teaching you another language. Well, you know that business about David Hasselhoff being really popular in Germany? Sure. That is real. Yeah, totally. The reason is that David Hasselhoff was like the artistic inspiration for the reunification of Germany. Like he performed right before Germany reunified.

He performed from West Germany on top of the Berlin Wall in this huge, and he had a number one hit in Germany at the time that was freedom themed. I don't remember what it was called, sadly. Freedom Germany, number one, Hasselhoff. And hop in my freedom car, dance mix. And it was like a galvanizing, it's like one of the legend, like in German cultural political history, it was like a galvanizing it's like one of the legend like in in german cultural political history it was a genuine galvanizing moment and it turned out that when they tore down the wall a couple months later he was selected to perform this concert for like half a million people in berlin it was the first concert that went to both the east and west sides of the wall like he is a

legit he's legitimately important anyway let's get back to running him down i'm sorry before before we get back i just i just having looked at you now i just feel like i'm sitting next to a lumberjack accountant it's like like you work at the lumberjack house but on the on the numbers but all my damn it we're gonna need more logs i'm sorry i have not been holding on to my axe receipts. I just, you know. So, yeah, something that David Hasselhoff does that I think maybe... Two men on a saw?

It just doesn't add up. Oh, no, that's my grinder bill. Can we just escort the angry, shaved Asian out of here? No laughter from that quadrant. Right this way, sir. Mr. Show will be starting in two hours. It's something that David Haselhoff did that I thought was really kind of amazing.

It's something that maybe I want to add to my performance repertoire. Maybe we can play around a little bit with here, is between takes, just randomly yelling. Like, just, you know, when the camera's down, when they're resetting lights, just, the man would just go,

ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! And then toward the end of the day, it morphed into... I love this job! I love this job! So...

I have a couple questions about this. You know, I think he just had the day terrors. The post-lunchies. I'm the last guy to make this show vulgar. Is it possible that it was BM related? Or that he was BM related. I mean... Or that he was passing a stone. Here are the things about the exclamations,

and I think you're on to something here, is that they were all distinct. Like, some sounded painful. Some sounded sexual. I enjoyed those. Is it handsome? It's legendarily handsome, man. Who wouldn't enjoy the star of Baywatch Nights Coming?

Right. Which, by the way, seems like one word too many for the title of that show. There are two colons in that title. Baywatch, Knights colon coming David Hasselhoff's colon So there was just a lot going on And I think sometimes it's easy to get jaded

When you're working on a project like that It takes a long time It's no manual labor, but it is strenuous in its own way. And the days can be very long. I think it's just nice to randomly yell at everyone around you, I love this job! And just to remind yourself why you do it.

Do you think he was pumping himself up for his performance? Yeah, oh yeah, I definitely think so. Was it a pumped up performance or was it like a subtle emotional performance? I mean, it was a performance with a weird cadence. Yeah, maybe he was just emotionally

off-gassing. He needed to keep it mellow on take, so afterwards he needed to just burn some of that off. Yeah. No, I mean, it was intense, definitely. I mean, clearly he and Joaquin Phoenix studied at the same place. I mean, there are really great things about

show business. Sure. I mean, let's just say I didn't pay for this seltzer. That's right. That's all I can come up with right now. Oh, also, you work at a dream factory. Yeah, true. Put that too.

Do you... How did David Hasselhoff, comedy legend David Hasselhoff, respond to your joke pitches? Not well. Did not care for my alts. Or joke pitches? Not well. Did not care for my alts.

Mostly because it was just him saying, I hate Subaru. Which maybe the Subaru people didn't like. No, I mean, I think it was more, he did not like my jokes, but I think it was more a function of he had memorized this and didn't want some little goober coming up to him telling him to do it differently.

Not a big podcast fan, David Hasselhoff. A lot of times people will be just so starstruck that I'm there. To be fair, he's gotten pretty into Marin lately. He is into Marin. Have you heard WTF with Mark Marin? He gets raw, people. He gets raw to the core.

Did you touch his face at all? You know what? Now that I'm remembering the story, maybe that's what he didn't like. That might have been part of it. Is that I always would palm his face like Nicolas Cage did to his family in Face Off. Would you do it to me? Would you do it to me? I would.

Oh, that's very elegant. I was expecting more. Why did you not like it? There's nothing wrong with that What a diva That's another power play Is he some kind of diva? First you hunch me and then you touch my face

Yeah Oh, Scott, by the way, for the second half of the show We're taking away the chair and just giving you a spike Oh, good Which will impale you How do you like the way that I'm holding this microphone? It feels awkward No, I think if anyone this microphone? It feels awkward.

No, I think if anyone's microphone holding style is awkward, it's Jordan, who's lifted up the entire microphone. Not taking it out of the stand. Showing off your muscles. Yeah, I like to get a little... I'm going to blast my trikes while we do the podcast. I don't want to not work out. It's part of CrossFit, guys. With CrossFit,

sometimes you do medicine balls, sometimes you jump rope, and sometimes you just do a high-impact podcast. I am super juiced. Ripped? Cut. Pumped? Juiced. Ripped? Cut. Pumped? Juiced. I'm on heroin.

Can I tell you something that my son said to me this morning? I guess. He said... We will get you a more uncomfortable chair. You don't fucking act enthusiastic. He turned to me and my wife and said, I'm busy pooping.

Yeah. And then my wife who was, you know, thrown for a loop slightly said, my son's name is Simon, said, okay, Simon. And he said, no, I'm Robin Hood. What do you say? She just said, okay, Simon. And he said, no, I'm Robin Hood. What do you say? She just said, okay, Robin Hood.

There is that famous Robin Hood story about him taking a dump on the sheriff of Nottingham's porch. The sheriff of Nottingham's porch is my grinder name. It's too long. It's too long. Don't laugh. Maybe that's why you're not getting enough blowjobs. On the plus side,

it gets across what you're into. Are you into nodding hamming? Aeroplay. Robbing from the rich, giving to the poor. One thing about having a two and a half year old is it's really, really important from the rich giving to the poor. One thing about having a... One thing about having a two-and-a-half-year-old

is it's really, really important to him that we all keep track of what character we've been assigned at what time. Like, if I'm Fufa and I say that I'm Roby, it's fucking on with my son. My son will flip out. If I'm supposed to be the...

He doesn't make me the sheriff of Nottingham. He likes me. But he's usually Robin Hood. Sounds like you're stuck with being Fufa. Well, no, sometimes I'm Fufa, but sometimes what if I'm Friar Tuck? Like, let's say I think I'm Daddy, but actually I'm Fufa.

That's my grinder name. Fuffa Daddy. It's a very high-stakes operation. It sounds like maybe, I mean, do you have a, do you think you just have a potential continuity stickler on your hands? Oh, absolutely. In the Simon-o-verse, there's a lot of crossover events.

Let me put it that way. Sometimes the Yo Gabba Gabbas talk to the Disney's Robin-verse. Yeah. There's a lot of crossover events. Let me put it that way. Sure. Sometimes the Yo Gabba Gabbas talk to the Disney's Robin Hood characters. Yeah. Yeah. So is this a situation where, you know, like, you're saying that... I'm trying to think of a joke to make about Jason Todd being the Red Hood. But I can't. Smattering of applause.

Gabe liked it. Here's the front row down there. I'll give you a little piece of advice. I've been a dad longer than you have. Yeah, that's true. When my son gets upset with the character that I'm incorrectly playing, what I like to do is get up

and leave the house for a day. And then come back like nothing happened and see if he's still fucking mad about it. But when you come back, you should be wearing Groucho glasses. Scott, you've got a creative soul. There are a lot of... I mean, you don't have kids, Jordan,

but it's a very complicated web of rules that you get involved in and it's not a consistent web of rules it's real easy to get caught up and shit escalates real fast sounds like I mean I don't have kids but this sounds like the exact same situation as a key party

which I have been to very strict rules escalates fast I mean, this sounds like the exact same situation as a key party, which I have been to. Very strict rules. Escalates fast. The other night, my son was so freaked out right before bed. He didn't want to go to bed. He was really pumped up. I had to, like, full-on Temple Grand in him.

Like, take a blanket, wrap him up in it. Make an HBO movie about him. And got Kirsten Dunst in there. Your son's great on True Detective, by the way. He is. The Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival, a.k.a. BoatParty.biz, is an exciting weekend. A cruise on the Atlantic Ocean with all of your best MaxFun pals, two amazing nights of comedy, and one rocking rock and roll concert. Go to boatparty.biz because tickets just went on sale.

Seriously, this is a life-changing event. I am not fucking with you. If I were fucking with you right now, I would tell you. But I'm a straight shooter. I am not fucking with you. Go to boatparty.biz, check out our amazing lineup, and buy yourself some tickets. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Do you want to introduce our next guest? I would love to. You know him from film, from television, just from walking the streets of Hollywood looking good. Please welcome to the stage our friend Mr. Rob Corddry. Appreciate you guys getting me the big chair. What's up, Scott?

Hey. I can't, my legs, I can't hold that position too long. Rob, your chair will be shooting caramels for you for the whole show. Scott, yours will be criticizing you. How you doing, Bobby C.? That's a handsome sweater. Oh, forget about it.

What are we looking at, an emerald green there? Yeah, probably. Why don't you give it a touch? Can I touch it? Jesse's on acid, so he sees color via touch. That's spectacular. Is that, are we talking about an imported cashmere? It might be.

Or a domestic cashmere. Does Pakistan count? Well, I think America and Pakistan have what I call a special relationship. At least according to my grinder profile. Yeah, I think the foothills of the Himalayas, that's where you're going to want a cashmere go-to. Maybe even, how about this? Cashmere. Go to cashmere for your cashmere.

It's a place and a fabric. And a fantastic song by Led Zeppelin. Man, we've really sorted out this cashmere business for you guys. That's the show. It's not just laughs. There's also take-homes. Remember that Real Magazine article we read? Also informative.

How are things going with you, Robert Cord? We haven't seen you in quite a while. No, I know. It's been a while. This is so different from your various home offices that I've been in over the years. You're here with Naked Babies, right? Doing your sketch and improv group, Naked Babies. You have a fun show? We had a great show, yes.

We performed last night. We don't perform. We perform together once a year about, yes. We performed last night. We don't perform. We perform together once a year, about here now. Just for the money. Just for that sweet San Francisco Sketch Fest cash. That's a hard thing to say.

I live on, I mean, every year I use my San Francisco Sketch Cash. I live on it, and then I put in the bank everything I make hosting the Tonight Show. Speaking of San Francisco Sketch Fest cash, I was over at the Ferry Building, not trying to brag. Let me correct myself.

I'm bragging. I was at the Ferry Building. It's a foodie paradise. And of course, I stop by the biscuit shop. It's a store that only sells biscuits. And I looked at this array of biscuits. I see a biscuit

pig in a blanket. Now, this is a sausage roll made of biscuit. I say, yeah, I'll take one of those. Then I see a cheddar biscuit. I'm so... I get it. Go ahead. Go biscuit. I'm so... I get it. Go ahead.

Go ahead. I'm listening. I'm so fucking rich. Ha! Oh! Oh! I love this job! One...

Fuck you, Aaron Eckhart! One of each, gentlemen! One of each! Oh, my God. For the folks at home, Jesse is grandstanding, shaking hands in the audience. Oh, he's been tackled by a shaved Asian!

Can I share? I have kind of a San Francisco-y thing to bring up. Yeah, sure. Are you guys familiar with the movie The Rock? Yeah. Would you say that's the greatest San Francisco movie? Oh, no doubt about it. I mean, there's other alternative choices.

I mean, The Conversation, Bullet, Mrs. Doubtfire, various Whoopi Goldberg movies from the late 80s. I think we can all agree, The Rock. It really gets this town. It gets what it's about. When you compare it to something like, say, Vertigo, what The Rock has is Vertigo is sort of of its time, whereas The Rock is kind of a classic.

Yeah, it's hard to say. When you're watching that Humvee chase, it's like, when is this taking place? It could be now. It could be the Middle Ages. And it also... I think it captures every part of San Francisco, from the bohemian

to that kind of flowers-in-your-hair hippie, to that kind of urban sophisticate vibe, to that classic activist- liberal thing, all of that is in the movie The Rock. I noticed while I was packing to come here, The Rock was on cable. And I thought, oh, I should turn it on,

kind of get pumped for the trip. You'll watch anything. You'll watch fucking anything. The amount of garbage that you've put into your eyes. In your life. Surely you're not talking about Bar Rescue, Scott. So I'm watching this, and I think we can all agree that the best line from The Rock is, Sean Connery says to Nicolas Cage, and I'm going to do my SNL

caliber Sean Connery impression for this. You did this in your audition. That's why you're on SNL. Yes. You did that? Oh my god, I gotta get to work! Sorry, Lord. Oh, it's four o'clock on Saturday. So, the best line is

Nicolas Cage says to Sean Connery I'm trying my best and Sean Connery says losers try their best winners go home and fuck the prom queen do you have any other impressions or yeah yeah

we'd like to see another one I should mention here if you only know Rob from his work in front of the camera, Rob actually works behind the camera as Lorne Michaels. That's right. Yeah, sure, I've got one.

This is kind of a hot one right now. This is actually Chris Christie. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Why don't you fuck the prom queen? That's amazing. That's really solid. Thank you. Now I'm going to eat a lot.

Yeah. It was like the first one, but fatter. Guess I'll close the bridge now. Yeah, I liked it. It added a little sort of topical twist to the near-perfect vocal work. So I'm watching the cable version,

and this line comes up, and the edited cable version is, losers talk about how they try their best. Winners go home and date the prom queen. And I like the idea of these two tough guys entrenched in this, you know, warfare, this urban warfare. And one of them getting excited like,

yeah, I would love to date a prom queen. Maybe we can do a group thing with her cousin and her new boyfriend. But I'm going to channel that into breaking into Alcatraz. That energy. Stopping Ed Harris' chemical weapons attack.

Is The Rock about breaking into Alcatraz? Yeah. I don't know what it's about. You just assumed it would be about breaking into Alcatraz. They're breaking in or out. We're going to find a way to break into America's most notorious prison.

It's hard. Yes, you just wrote the poster. It's like a fun house too, trying to get in or out of there. Remember it was like Here's that hall of mirrors. Here's the knife tunnel. Yeah. I mean, I think if anybody's, you know,

I like to visit Alcatraz when I'm visiting, and so the knife tunnel is always fun. Sure, sure, sure. Don't let you go in anymore, though. Because all those kids died? It's a litigious society. Oh, the greatest San Francisco movie is the USA series Monk.

It's true. Sorry, I should have thought of that before. I apologize. I just felt like everyone in the audience was thinking that that whole time. Like, obviously it's Monk. It's Monk. It's Monk. It's Monk.

You know, I just felt like we needed to clear the air. Have you done any... You come down here once a year. Do you bring your family, Rob? Or do you come with just you and the boys? Dick first. Oh, man. Walk into the city.

Classic. Jokes and pussy. No, I came in my wife. Here's to you, San Francisco. My wife is actually here in the audience. Oh, I apologize. To her. My wife is actually here in the audience. Oh, I apologize. Yeah. To her.

So, yeah, she comes with me every year, I think, pretty much. Do you guys have fun? You do cool San Francisco? Go to the top of the mark or something like that? We used to. We used to do. We had dim sum today. That's pretty good.

That's pretty good. We used to do. Last night, we just went to bed. Went to the. Oh, and our hotel. You're not staying at the same hotel, right? No, you requested that I be placed in a different hotel. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

Because I wanted to give you my script for Warm Bodies 2. Yes. Rob, you're in the St. Francis, right? We're in the Motel 6 in Burlingame. I'm actually in the knife tube. That's where I'm sleeping. They have this stuff by the bed. Sorry, Scott. Scott actually lives in Burlingame? I'm actually in the knife tube. That's where I'm sleeping. They have this stuff by the bed. Sorry, Scott.

Scott actually lives in Burlingame. I apologize. We had a guy on our show last night from Burlingame. They have this stuff called Dream Juice. What is it called, Sandy? She's too embarrassed. Come on, Sandy. Dream Sleep.

Sleep. Dream Water. Dream sleep. Dream water. Thank you. My wife's over there. Dream water, it's called. It's like an energy shot, but the opposite. And it's like, take this if you're feeling... If you've done cocaine or something.

I don't know. And so we... And it has melatonin, GABA, GABA. I don't know. I'm not from San Francisco. I don't know what it's called.

Wait, GABA? That's a root that grows indigenous here. And it's like a H5H, 5HTP. Sure. 5H 10W40. I don't know what it is. It's got three things in it.

And we were like, we should take this, right? Yeah. And we're like, yeah. And we took it. My wife immediately passes out. And I'm just in this kind of weird, dizzy, kind of nauseous state where I watched the entirety of Jackass and didn't like it.

I didn't even laugh. I was like, this is just, it's horrible what they're doing to each other and they're laughing at their actions. If the ball is coming for your crotch, move! You're watching the guy when he's throwing the ball.

He put the little toy car at his bottom. It's just... It causes you to question the choices made by the cast of Jackass. I don't know. It felt... Yeah. That's right. It does.

To be fair, it said that on the bottle. Oh, okay. Yeah. What is the strangest thing all three of you guys have hit the road for work? Heroin. Hotel-based activities. What's the most unusual hotel-based activity you've engaged in?

Not only in a hotel room. And I want you guys to really think about this. I've got one. Okay. If you're at a nicer hotel. Right. I'm listening. Not like a Motel 6.

More like a what? Best Western? Yeah, if you're at a... La Quinta? If you're at a La Quinta. Courtyard by Marriott? You know, something up there. And you know a lot of hotels will have toiletries.

Something with branded linens. You're right, yeah, exactly. If it has a special robe with an insignia. A sleep experience. Because you want to say to all your friends, I've been to a Hyatt. Yeah. You know, they have, you know, if you forgot a razor, they'll send up a razor. If you forgot a toothbrush, they'll send up a toothbrush.

And, you know, it's like the night of the hotel. Razor for your Asian friend. Yes. I'll tell you, a razor scooter that I can ride around the hotel. Please send up some Heelys. I'm eight. The nicer the hotel, the more

amenities that they will have for you at the front desk. Right. Something happened. I was in a nicer hotel and found myself without a prophylactic. Prophylactic? Prophylactic. I called the front desk and I said... This is the moment of panic. This is the most embarrassing phone call I've ever had to make, but I think in that

situation, I'm like, yeah, this is worth it. Okay, this is worth it. And I called the front desk. Because otherwise you would have to clean up after you masturbate. Yes, exactly. Yes. And it would have been over too fast.

You'd have to shove that toy car up your ass without the car. I know, yeah. By the way, thanks to my mom for coming out. I love you, Mom. So I'm like, okay, well, gonna call, gonna call. I'm just gonna say, maybe they have it, maybe they have it. So I called down.

I'm like, hi, do you guys have, behind the counter, do you have condoms? And the guy's like, yes, you mean an intimacy kit? Oh, yeah. What else is in there? Intimacy kit, not just condoms. Little thing-a-loop. Wow. Razor scooter?

Razor scooter. Barry Manilow CD. Copacabana on loop. Can we do a stereo? Jordan, say something, and you and I do a stereo. Oh, yeah. It sounds fun. So I called down to the front desk, and about 10 to 12 minutes later, an elderly front desk guy came up with my intimacy kit.

Yeah. Didn't need it, because it took him so long to get there, my partner had fallen asleep. Yeah. These stereo effects are thrilling. And he snores! I finally know what it would be like to be in the mid-60s and hear the

intro to Back in the USSR, that plane landing. Just exciting. And then she was asleep and then I watched about 25 minutes of The Crow and fell asleep. Alright. Oh shit, I jumped that one. I'm so sorry.

Can we do it again? Let's just start the podcast over. Just start the podcast. Air neck heart. What an asshole. I franken shit. Shit. That's why you get the tall chair.

If you're listening at home, I got my arms up like a champion would. Somewhere in Hollywood, Aaron Ockhart is sitting in a chair and it just went down to Scott's level. The legs were the legs were surgeried. So what, do you guys have weirdo hotel stories? I have one. The legs were surgeried.

So what, do you guys have weirdo hotel stories? I have one. Yeah, what have you done in a hotel? What's happened to you in a hotel? Because you used to travel. I remember you used to travel. When you had a tech job, you were responsible for traveling to conferences all the time to make friends for the tech company.

Do you want me to tell a boring story about that or tell the story that I was going to tell? Either way. Okay, the story that I was going to tell? Either way. Okay. Well, there I was. Book Expo America, 2011.

No. So I went to Seattle with... Fucking Amy Tan. And Stephen King, the whole band. The whole rock bottom remainder.

You know, it's... when you fuck Amy Tan, you're not just fucking her, you're fucking generations of strong, powerful women. Power who are not afraid. I'll tell my story quickly. We were in Seattle. I was with my family, my wife and my two children. We were in an apartment.

We were in the hotel room. And they were. I I was with my family, my wife and my two children. We were in an apartment. We were in the hotel room. And they were. I went out with some friends. For a couple days. Had drinks. That's right. They had been really disappointing that trip. Yeah, right.

You just got to get off the grid at some point, you know? And at some point, so I woke up in the morning with a cut on my head and an angry wife in my bed. Just looking at me like, what are we going to do? And I was like, what are you talking about? She said, well, sometime last night, I woke up and there was a pounding on the door. I looked. You weren't there. I answered

the door. It was you. You said something incoherent, then walked in. I looked out in the hallway, and you had peed all over the hotel hallway. Rob, you ready? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So evidently, I had half-asleepedly gotten up to go to the bathroom, walked out the wrong door, got locked out, and then by the pattern of my pee, it looked like I had just,

as if I was admiring the paintings at a gallery, just kind of sauntered down the hallway. You need a focal point, right? You need something, because otherwise it's just an undifferentiated hallway. Then you're responsible for peeing the full length of the hallway. That's right.

But if there's a painting on the wall, I see your thought process perfectly. Hotels should do like sports bars where above the urinal they'll like tack up a sports page. Yeah. They should just do that randomly throughout the hall in case you got pissed. In case I stay there. Yeah, in case old Scott Simpson... And you know, another thing is it's good for the environment because it's waterless. So yeah, that's

the time that I didn't get in trouble for peeing in a hotel. Jesse, you're Airbnb-ing it on this trip, huh? Yeah, I am. The woman who... It's amazing. We're staying in Berkeley. Living in Los Angeles,

you forget about how much of the thing that it is the things that are here are the things that they are like stroke lights like Berkeley for example like I went

to Berkeley for and I was in Trader Joe's just getting my wife a bottle for example. I went to Berkeley for... I was in Trader Joe's, just getting my wife a bottle of wine. I was in there maybe five, ten minutes tops. And you were in eight drum circles.

I think I saw six afros that were clearly worn for earnest political reasons. And i was like and it was thrilling as a guy who has been living in los angeles for as long as i have going back like i think when i lived in san francisco i would have just been like oh you know white people with dreadlocks oh everybody's got an afro, oh, everybody's clothes are ethnic-inspired, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, oh, too many white women with gold hoop earrings.

But getting, getting, visiting Berkeley, I was like, yes! Let's do this! Let's protest something! Let's call into KPFA and be angry about something that KPFA did because it's not left wing enough.

It's been exciting. The woman who we rented the house from runs a women's theater festival. So that's pretty cool. W-O-M-Y-N T-H-E-A Y-T-R Yeah, IA-Y-T-R.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, just the ad just at the beginning, it just said, just a warning for everyone out there, there is no TV in this house. Oh. It's fine. We read.

Yeah. Even smug with the Airbnb ad. Yeah, it was, but everyone's been so nice. It's such an earnest place. People care so much about the things they care about, and it's nice to be immersed in that for a little while. Revolution's just an afro away.

That's a really good point, Rob. Thank you. That's my time. So you were saying you're visiting a place. It's kind of like you're away on a camp and they're very earnest. Would you say that this is like Ernest goes to camp? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. There you go, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think San Francisco is where you're more likely to find the really earnest camp. I've got two hotel stories. You can choose which one.

One of them is also pee-related. Can we determine by audience vote at the end which one was the king? Which of our hotel both and then judge? Yeah, we're going to tell them both and we're going to judge. So first story is story A. And remember, don't enjoy this, judge it the whole time. Yeah, exactly.

Judge it like it was your friend's girlfriend's one-woman show. Why am I? Daddy, you bastard! You looked like you were having fun up there. This was inspired by... I was going to tell another one, and then it was inspired by Scott's story

On my honeymoon in Spain Congratulations by the way Thank you very much Twelve years ago I meant on going to Europe Mr. Hollywood And they We had

The poison liquor That you set on fire. Go. Absinthe. Thank you. We had absinthe, which was illegal in the United States at the time. I just made a noise. I just went, bia. Ab-a-dab-a-dab.

Quack. Yab-a-dab-a-doo. Help a stroke. Jordan's like, paella? A short nap in the middle of the afternoon? We tried it. We drank a lot of it. And this was illegal in the United States at the time,

and it was the real stuff, the stuff that Edgar Allan Poe would hallucinate on and shit. I hear that you can get something called absinthe at your high-end cocktail-y mash-em-up lounges. But it's just like a Jägermeister that costs $12. Now this was like, yeah, we got absinthe, but do you want

absinthe? More wormwood. And so we drank it. It's bitter and poisonous. We were fucked up. You want a drink that will kill? Fucked up. And we fell asleep at the table.

Spain, no one gives a shit. We took alternating naps. We weren't both out at the same time. So tell me, when you got fucked up on Absinthe, what did you think of Jackass? It was in the Spanish version, so it's hilarious. We went back

to the hotel. El burro. Went back to the hotel. I woke up in the morning, and my wife was really mad at me. And because, apparently, in the middle of the night, I had not left the hotel room to pee. Rather, I had gone to the corner of the room where one of her boots was still standing up,

looking very much like a toilet, I guess. In my drunken mind, because I was blacked out, I was probably like, yeah, Spanish, you Spanish, third world country. When in Romans, and apparently, I don't remember any of this, I was peeing into her boot, and she woke up, because it was so loud, and

she was going, Rob, Rob, and she woke me up, and I was going, what? She goes, stop, you're peeing in my boot. And all I could muster was, come on. Come on! Story number one.

I feel like that would make an excellent anecdote in an Oliver Sacks book. Perhaps one entitled The Man Who Mistook His Wife's Boot for Urinal. It is... You're on the spectrum a little bit when you drink that stuff. So the second story,

so keep that one in mind. So that story A is boot peeing. Keep it fresh. Yeah, reboot. Peeing boot. The second one is I was doing, I was working in Shreveport, Louisiana, and I had to work there three times in a row.

And if you've never been to Shreveport, thank your fucking God, first of all. Take a minute. And then it's the worst place in the world. It's horrible. It's basically Arkansas. Like, basically Arkansas. Shitty Arkansas. And I stayed, there was only a couple of hotels and they were all crappy casinos. So the first time I was

there, I stayed in the Sam's Town Casino. Sam's Club. That's the Walmart Casino, right? Wholesale mattress. You slept on a flat of macaroni and cheese. Great buys. Some really great deals. I got a pallet of jeans.

They pressure their suppliers. That's how they get the prices. It's a racket. It was horrible. It was a 24-hour casino. An old person would get carted out every day. Gray in a stretcher with like oxygen mask on them dying apparently and i i got and then they were dead you just

can't bring them out on a body bag the emt just wheels them right into a quiz nose hoping that fresh break fresh baked bread smell will revive them oh i was thinking that they have become the meat or something for the... Which way were you going with that? Here was my... Was this some Sweeney Todd shit? I was not clear enough with that remark. What I was getting at was that everyone is so unhealthy

that even though they've blacked out, they still want to go to Quiznos, like on the way to the hospital. I love a Quiznos. Yours was better. Everyone, think of the best possible version of that joke. That's the one I meant. I got friendly with a low-stakes blackjack table dealer.

Nice gentleman. By get friendly with, you mean... I was like, good game, good game. And one day he was dealing, he goes, ah, shit, we got a pooper. I was like, what is a pooper? You say that like it's something that happens often. I was so excited.

And he goes, right over there, you see her? There's this old woman sitting at a slot machine. And she was obviously wearing a diaper. Not because she's incontinent. But because she didn't want to leave the slot machine to shit. So she... I think you're going to like the first story. Now old ladies pooping themselves

at a slot machine doesn't do it for you, huh? Know your audience. Know your audience. We're learning a lot today. Well, that was beautiful. Let's seal the deal. Because maybe they liked that other one Because it was more inspirational

It is a help that she was obviously crapping at the time Like he knew that she was wearing a diaper She was just kind of going Like leaning a little Like a toddler Did she object to someone Asking her to do something by saying I'm busy pooping

Oh no no Don't get the wrong idea No one stopped'm busy pooping. Oh, no, no. Don't get the wrong idea. No one stopped her from pooping. They just remarked, that is a person who is pooping. It would be unfortunate if they had a staff member whose job it was to stop people from

pooping on the casino floor. I spoke to the guy. The poop boss. Starring Aaron Eckhart. Fuck you, Eckhart. Poop Boss? Starring Aaron Eckhart. Fuck you, Eckhart. Poop Boss. I heard the same story by someone else who stayed in that casino

after me. Might be the same blackjack dealer. A lot of poopers. Which story do you like? Who liked A, the boot peeing story now who liked B. the story about the sad plight of America's elderly now

make a noise that represents your feelings about the pooper story. Wow. It's a symphony of emotion. Someone in the audience yelled, I love this job. That's pretty good. I mean, in general, don't yell stuff out, but we asked for it and it was pretty solid. Yeah.

Now no one else do it. Hey, it's Jesse. This could be your last chance to go to Make Your Thing, the conference for independent creators. Whether you're already an independent creator, you aspire to be one, go to makeyourthing.la for more information about our amazing lineup, our amazing venue. It's going to be a really tremendous, exciting thing,

but only if you buy your ticket before our Kickstarter expires and the time is running out. So go to makeyourthing.la Hey, let's do Momentous Occasion. Let's do it. When something momentous happens to you, our audience, we ask that you share it with us for Momentous Occasions. Our producer, Sonny D, a.k.aous happens to you, our audience, we ask that you share it with us for momentous occasions.

Our producer, Sonny D., a.k.a. Brian Fernandez, has prepared this stack of momentous occasions for me. Let's start with a couple people did not include names, but, okay, I'm going to save this for last. It does not have a name on it, but I can't imagine not using it. Someone just wrote, pooped in casino. Zane, are you here? Zane from

Oakland? Zane from Oakland. Zane, ladies and gentlemen. Brian's got the microphone. Meet him over here. Come on, let's do this. Let's make this happen. Make it snappy. There are prizes. Aw, not Billy Zane. It's a different guy.

Zane thinks he's pretty hot shit because he's wearing that old-timey Sound of Young America t-shirt. Well, he's wrong. It's still a t-shirt for a podcast. T-shirts for sale in the lobby. Zane, what's your... It says here that yours is more of a

moment of shame. Yeah, it's a bit more of a moment of shame. I was biking up to my buddy's place in Berkeley this morning in the rain and came to a red light and across the red light, there were two cars. One of them was making a right turn. And across the red light,

there were two cars. One of them was making a right turn. The other was going forward. The car in back was kind of a white, nondescript van. And I see this guy... Is there a court reporter here taking all this down?

More detail. Nondescript. Didn't quite get the license plate number. What was the weather like? I didn't get the color of that van. Need I remind you, sir, you are under oath! So I see this guy in the van just toss something out the passenger side window as hard as he can.

It kind of bounces. This sounds really rehearsed. Have you done this on the moth? Remember, no notes. No notes. Tells something out the window. And I'm on a bike. And I'm in Berkeley.

So this just raises my ire. So I yell at him as he's passing by. What the fuck, man? You just throw something out your window? And he gives me this look like, uh, uh. So I'm like, ah. So I go over to pick up what he had thrown. Wait a minute, a self-righteous cyclist?

Not in Berkeley, Jordan. That doesn't track. Sometimes a spade's a spade. The loneliest man in the world. He'll always have his single gear. And your suicidal tendencies. Do you have one of those? So I go to pick up the item he had thrown,

and I realize it's a newspaper. He was delivering newspapers. Very good. Thank you, Shane. Zane, Zane, ladies and gentlemen. Kind of actually garbage though, really. Not going to get read.

It's going to get wet. I'm sorry. Okay, is this Antonio? Is that an N? Well, otherwise it's Antonio, which I'm pretty sure is not a name. Antonio, are you here? Antonio, sir. Ochoa. There's no one else

volunteering, Antonio. Hi, Antonio. How are you, sir? Good. What's the last name? Sabato Jr.? Yeah, that's me. Antonio Sabato Jr. Oh, wait, where's Zane? Where's Zane?

Everyone who finishes in the top five gets one of these delicious rolls. Oh. Antonio, what... Are those props, or are you just shifting stuff from pocket to pocket? I'm just shifting stuff. Okay, do your thing.

Antonio, what's your momentous occasion today? So I'm in a band, and... Not bragging. Not bragging. A couple of bands. I think as soon as you're in a couple of bands, it's automatically not bragging. People who can brag about their bands, it's just one band.

Unless one of the bands is the Traveling Wilburys. So, I mean, we're just nobodies, but after a show, a 16-year-old asked me, or asked the whole band, to sign a CD we were selling, which is just really exciting, because... Pretty solid, Antonio! I like that! Did you write anything inspirational on it, like, you know, say no to drugs or something? No, say yes to drugs. Yeah. Call this number for drugs.

Call this number and get drugs. Antonio, what kind of band do you play in? I don't know. Rock and roll. I have no idea how to describe it. I play guitar. I sing. I haven't heard them either, so.

I guess alternative. What's the name? Great Ghost. Gray Ghost? Great Ghost. It's a name of a Mount Erie song. Or Phil Elverum. Phil Elverum, the creator of Wadlord.

Yeah. I was really surprised he used that. Pastor Gordon Jesse Goh guessed. Yeah. I'm going to take a real quick nap while you guys go deep on some indie shit. Don't nap too long, because I'm about to give this motherfucker a roll. Yeah. Thank you, Antonio.

Okay. Let's go with... Oh, this person did not write their name on it, so I'm just going to have to call them up based on the content. It's going to be hard not to spoil it. They may have not written their name on it because they want it to be anonymous. Well, tough shit.

It's about their girlfriend. Which of you is the guy with the girlfriend? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And graduate school. A lot of Nintendo sweatshirts. Graduate school. Girlfriend and graduate school. If those are in what you wrote on the card, it's about you.

It's like two lines. Come on up, sir. Come on up, sir. Here comes this guy. Let's about you. Come on up, sir. Come on up, sir. Here comes this guy. Let's hear it for this guy. Thanks. What's your first name, sir?

Tom. Tom, it's great to meet you. I'm going to call you Juiced Scott Simpson. Yeah. I was just thinking that. Yeah. Like, what if Scott Simpson was broad-shouldered and kind of looks like he could give me a wedgie? If there were a gay subculture for him, it would be called Power Simpsons.

This guy sums it up. He's got a girlfriend, obviously. For sure. First of all, what kind of graduate school are you in? I'm a student at UC Berkeley. Congratulations. That's a fine university. Yeah.

I'd say it's probably the second best university of California school. Maybe, yeah. After Santa Barbara. I actually... Actually, I went to UC Santa Cruz as an undergrad. Oh. I was in Porter. Wow, that's where we went to UC Santa Cruz as an undergrad. I was in Porter. Wow, that's where we went to college.

Did you hear tales of our improv group and how amazing they were? No. That's bullshit because in 2003, we played a game of freeze tag. What was the name? Let me guess. Mixed Nuts.

Oh, boy. I wish it was as good as Mixed Nuts. Improvaholics. No. These are all good names compared to what ours was. Was it Scar Related? It was Humor Force 5. Oh, that's actually not bad.

That's not bad. Tom, let's actually not bad. That's not bad. Tom, let's get back to you and your graduate school. What kind of graduate school are you in? Yeah, I do high-pressure physics. Oh, fuck yeah. That's what you call being a power simpson, right? Pretty much, yeah. Fluid dynamics.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fun. What is your momentous occasion, Tom? Well, last week... I built a time machine. Out of diamonds. Yes. No, last week...

Anyway, it's sort of broke, and tomorrow, bad news. The Nazis win World War II? Yeah, so last week week I was in my office and my girlfriend came by and she gave me a blowjob. All right. Yeah.

And that's the whole story. Congratulations, Tom. Thank you. Tom, your new ringtone is me and Rob going yeah We'll record that for you Now was this during office hours? Did you have like Are you a TA?

Do you share your office with a colleague? With three colleagues That sounds fun I'm not gonna lie it sounds fun The walls of a physics TA's office at Berkeley have never seen a blowjob before. It's truly momentous. If those walls could speak, it would be about how amazing it was that they just saw their first blowjob. Tom, congratulations.

Yeah. Fantastic. I got you this role. So you're a double winner today. Tom, congratulations. Yeah, fantastic. I got you this role, so you're a double winner today. Pick it up and eat it. Eat it off the ground. Put it in your pocket. Giermina. Giermina Muro?

M. Giermina, come on up. Hi, Giermina. How on up. Hi, Guillermina. How are you? Hi, I'm good. Tell us, what is your momentous occasion, Guillermina? This is my first year being a high school math teacher.

Oh, congratulations. I thought you were going to say high school mascot. The Petaluma Guillerminas the fighting Guillerminas yeah it's pretty difficult what's your

Guillermina tell me this what's your favorite math subject to teach because a lot of people would assume trigonometry, but I think geometry. I only teach algebra, so I only teach. But... Huh.

You have just made yourself America's most beloved person. An algebra teaching specialist. Who doesn't think back fondly on their algebra teacher and just algebra in general. That's almost way too real right now.

I'm on board. I'm on board. 100% on board. You're the mascot of my heart right now. You're a hero. Dear Mina, it's thanks to your efforts that there can be power Simpsons like Tom in the world. That's right, that's right. Okay, so my momentous occasion was, okay,

so I teach high school math and my classes are like pretty low, so like you know, they're all algebra students, right? So it's mostly freshmen. But I do have one senior who, he's really cool, but he doesn't really do anything. Wait, so the senior in a class full of freshmen isn't like the hardest working guy in the class? Is he in several bands?

No, but yeah, he's really cool and like, yeah, we really get along. He's, yeah, he's 18, but like... So it's cool, it's cool. He's just not a freshman. And like, and it just sucks because like every day I'm like, come on, like let's do your work and it just sucks because every day I'm like, come on, let's do your work.

And it just sucks because this is his fourth year in algebra class. And it's like, all these teachers have been mean before me. And it just sucks that he's not trying hard in class. And then he has to do algebra. And he has a mustache. No, but anyway, so I had an extra credit assignment where like, oh, bring in a picture of your pet. Because I was trying to make the classroom, you know, something like nicer so they feel more at home and they don't hate me.

Wait, did you say send in a picture of your butt? Of your pet. Of your pet. Like an animal. I also heard butt and wondered why everyone else wasn't shocked. No, because like. Well, I mean, he's 18. I heard butt.

Let's snap some butt pics. I was just like trying to make it like nicer and stuff because like the one thing that they know about me is like my favorite animal is the French bulldog. So like, oh, you guys have pets too, right? It's a really good animal. Great animal. Yeah, it's a pretty honorable animal.

So then... Did you say it's honorable? Yeah. It's the samurai of the dog world. Is that because if it makes a mistake, it commits ritual suicide? He falls on his little squeaky sword. Whee!

You know, for the last three years, my wife, every year for Christmas, has purchased me a Hero Dogs-themed calendar, and I honestly don't remember any French bulldogs. Well, they were bred during the Industrial Revolution to keep sewing ladies company because they would be at the sewing machine

for 18 hours. So that's like, yeah. So they're a sort of slave driver dog. Real cuddly until you try to get up. They love treats, and they hate bathroom breaks. Okay, so... All right, so I was like, okay, extra credit. Like, free points.

Like, care about your grades, you guys. Like, okay, extra credit, free points. Care about your grades, you guys. Bring in a picture of your animal. No one did because they're all so, they don't care about their grades. They're not the most motivated students. But I did get one extra credit submission in, and it was from that senior, and it was a picture of his dog wearing a crown. Ha-ha!

Ha-ha! It was a picture of his dog wearing a crown. Ha ha! Ha ha! It was a picture of his dog's butt. And, um, yeah, so I have it up in the front of the classroom on the board. I bet he loves that. Yeah. So, yeah, that was my moment of dedication. King Dog! King Dog. Guillermina, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Guillermina, great news of dedication. King Dog! King Dog.

Guillermina, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Guillermina, great news. Have I got a role for you. I do. Somebody went to a club last night. Somebody went to a club last night. If you went to a club last night. No, no, no. Sega sweatshirt, no.

If you wrote on a card that you went to a, here we go. Oh, yeah. Let's hear it for the gentleman in the western shirt. Howdy. Sir, what's your name, sir? My name is Mason. Mason, it's great to meet you. Sorry, Mason.

Mason? Mason. Mason. Like Jason. Mason? Yep Mason Mason? Yep Mason, it's great to meet you Mason, I said Mason the first time Oh, sorry

You corrected me and said that your name was Mason I heard butts I had a great joke lined up, Scott I'm sorry, Jesse I saw that and I felt bad. And when I say great joke, I mean an excrably bad joke. Can I do it again?

Mason, when you said that your name was Mason, and I said... Scott! I found it jarring! Jarring! I found it jarring! Jarring! I found it jarring! Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Mason.

No problem. Thank you for being here and giving me the opportunity. Mason, that's a nice... Where do you get a nice Western shirt like that? Somebody actually left this at my house after a party sometime. All right. Yeah, fuck them, right? Can I ask who it was, and can I guess first?

My guess is Porter Wagoner. John Travolta from the 70s. A brief period of John Travolta. It was in college. A guy who books a burlesque show. Sorry. We're done. Go ahead.

What are you talking about? Sorry. No, I didn't know him. It was in college. There were a bunch of people there. Yeah. So it was just random shirt, and I was like, oh, this fits me. It sounds like a sweet party. I mean, you've got to figure there were a lot of people there. So it was just random shirt, and I was like, oh, this fits me. It sounds like a sweet party.

I mean, you've got to figure there were a lot of shirts left around. You've got vintage Western shirt. You've got gas station attendant shirt with someone else's name on it. Ironic T-shirt. It's a really great college party in 2001. Mason, I do like the shirt. I think the shirt looks great. I don't want you to think that because I'm goofing

and laughing here, because we're all sharing a joke, we're all loved. We're just riding the vibe from that jarring thing earlier. It's not about that shirt not looking good. It looks great. Thank you. Mason, tell us, what is your momentous occasion today?

For the first time, I went to a sex club last night. Yes! Whoa, yeah. Mason, Mason, Mason. You're not going anywhere. Sunny D, lock him down! A burlesque show at a VFW hall is not a sex club. What if it was an Elks Hall?

Oh, yeah. Then it is. Well, I guess sex club slash bondage, it's mainly a bondage. Oh, primarily bondage? Yes, it's in the Tenderloins, SF Citadel. It's really close to where I live. He's always wanting to pop in, check it out. Right, me and the wife.

Ultimately, it's like a locavore thing. Right. Yeah. Think global, spank local. They were having an under 40 night, so me and my wife thought So an empty night Otherwise we wouldn't have gone

We also have those on public radio Let me ask you this When's the over 60 night? That's coming up later in the week Maybe I'll give it a shot Do you live in the T. Maybe I'll give it a shot. So was it, do you, now you, do you live, you live in the Tenderloin? Yes, I do. One time I was on a bus and there was this guy holding a bunch of plastic roses and he was riding. And just at one point

from the back of the bus to the front of the bus, he just screamed top of his lungs, Bus driver, when we get into the Tenderloin! And it was great. Just one of the highlights of my life. That sounds like one of our locals. So you live in the Tenderloin. For folks who are listening at home, it's a relatively impoverished neighborhood in San Francisco. Very colorful.

Known for Vietnamese sandwiches, among other things. You get a great Vietnamese sandwich there. Shoved up your butt. Did someone just hiss? Can't leave Sketchfest without getting hissed at least once. What kind of stuff

happens here? Let's get to the business. Number one. Who did you go with? I went with my wife. With your wife? Okay, that's nice. We've been past it several times. I can't help but notice you're not wearing a ring this morning.

Lost it last night, am I right, guys? So we just decided to kind of go for it, try it, we've talked about it a lot. Have you guys ever done anything like, you don't have to say it, but do answer every question. Also, show us pictures on your iPhone. Is this something you've just discussed, like it might be fun to go do this or is have you done it in a in a non-club context like with uh

you know like with you're just your your friends from bridge or whatever no uh no we this is the first time being around other people doing stuff right you know that so it's i mean you have a fuck dungeon at home. Right, but just for us. One time I went to an estate sale

and one of the rooms was a dungeon. I don't know. Take that one off. So, is there... What's... So,

are there... Are there price levels? Are there like, I'm... Like, what did you pay for? I guess I want to ask. Is it like Denny's? Is there an early? Are there like, I'm... What did you pay for? Is it like Denny's? Is there an early bird special?

So we showed up early because they had an orientation to sort of like, hey, if you haven't been here before, we'll kind of walk you through and show you around. We got the tour. And a buffet. Okay.

They showed us all of their equipment. Which of your harnesses is the most popular? Do you use their equipment or bring your own? People brought bags of things. Their equipment was mainly the implements to be used upon. And then you bring whatever you want to put into or... Right. People with. Their equipment was mainly the implements to be used upon. And then you bring whatever you want to put into or people with. I got it.

Your A game? Correct. Yes. Mason, I understand. You're having a stroke. You're in the stroke zone. That's clear. Exterior products are available. Interior products, bring your own.

Right. Gotcha. B-Y-O-I-P. Bring your own interior product. The whole time. Now, can you get into this club if you're just a random dude, or you have to bring a lady? No.

And is this primarily heterosexual, or it multisexual or pansexual or homosexual and you're crashing the party? Yes. I think they have different nights where they have specific groups who come in and do whatever they need to do. But for this night, the rule was specifically under 40. So they were carding and you just pay to get in. I presume they enjoy you bringing a lady along. What's it cost? What are we talking about? I'm going to say 20 bucks.

What's that going to set you back? I'm going 20 bucks. 20 bucks. Yeah, thank you. Solid night. 20 bucks, Jesse. And now I feel bad because that's what it costs to get into this show,

and I feel bad that not all of you are getting fucked. Most. I apologize. And we didn't go so far as to actually do anything in front of everybody else, but we got to see a lot of interesting things happen. Cool. What was the most interesting?

The fisting swings. Porter Wagoner was there. The what? The fisting swings. He said fisting swings. Porter Wagoner was there. The what? The fisting swings. He said fisting sweet. Everybody shut up. Quiet! Let the man speak! Everybody shut up.

Mason? Mason? And the someone has been on a more interesting kind of swing. Ladies and gentlemen, Mason has the conch. Mason. Fisting. Go. There were several people, men and ladies.

They had a couple of swings set up and people would lie down on them. And they was just swinging. Yes, they were definitely enjoying it. And they was just Swanging They were definitely enjoying it And they would be Stuffed Essentially Did you and your wife ever turn to each other

And just go And high five Like hey that's happening right there I mean it's impressive I couldn't do it so it's Way to go for them Mason may I ask you a question happening right there. I mean, it's impressive. I couldn't do it, so it's, hey, way to go for them. Mason, may I ask you a question?

Sure, sure. This is from Jordan's hair. That's where I'm asking you from. That's what I've heard this whole time is Jordan's hair telling a sex story. Never thought of it that way.

My hair's a little kinky. Everybody shut up. Jordan! Jordan! Jordan! Good night, SketchFest! My question for you, Mason, is of the folks who were there, I often think about going to Burning Man,

but I would be the person at Burning Man dressed in that shirt, walking around going, just to look, but I'm not going to put on like like like fluffy pants and eat drugs so so i would be if anything he's going to eat falafel so you go to a place like that what is the what would you say is the percentage of people who are essentially just uh like looking on and what's the percentage of those who are participating would you say that night it was, it was about 50-50. The people who were just,

this is my weekend. They're there. They're just starting off. What about the other nights when you went secretly without your wife? To the other people who aren't, that other 50% that you were a part of that was just observing, do you feel obligated to make chit-chat with them?

Yes. There's a social area, which there's supposedly nothing going on. So you guys watching True Detective? It's pretty good, right? I'm really miss Breaking Bad. Oh, we're not done. We're watching it on Netflix. We're not done.

What were described... Let's talk about fisting. Describe what you were wearing. Describe what you were wearing. And then describe what your wife was wearing. But when you're doing that, just do it slower. And kind of whisper it. No, I got a better idea. Call me on my cell phone and whisper it.

Go. I was wearing a... I don't know. Whatever. Yeah, sure. Fine. Go. Folks, we're out of time.

Mason, he doesn't just win a role. Here's an entire sourdough batard. Yeah. Our guests have been Rob Corddry and Scott Simpson. I'm Jesse Thorne, Jordan Morris, Brian Fernandez on the boards. Thank you.