Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 315: Russell Stover's House with Caleb Bacon

Episode Date: March 3, 2014

Writer and podcaster Caleb Bacon joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the characters in Jesse's neighborhood, Jesse's visit to Russell Simmons' house and Jodan's viewing of Cabin Boy.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Great news! Okay, I'm ready to hear it. It's rainy in Los Angeles. Yeah, sure is. Isn't it nice? I kind of like it.

Oh, God. When it was... You kind of like it. Oh, God. When it was- Get a hot beverage. It was raining bonkers style a couple hours ago, like sheets of pounding rain, and I was so happy. I was a pig in a poke, Jordan. A pig in a poke! What's the, do the kids like puddles?

How do the kids feel about puddles? As a kid, I enjoyed a puddle. Simon and I went for a rain walk today, and the only problem was this. I'll tell you what the only problem with this rain walk is. Let's introduce our guest so that he can talk about the rain walk. I know he loves a good rain walk. Nobody loves a good rain walk like podcaster Caleb Bacon. Hey, guys. Host of the program man school which originally

featured jesse thorne yeah which recently featured jesse thorne and uh he's also a television comedy writer um caleb bacon is not me um and he loves a good rain walk so i took my son i took my son simon for a rain walk i've talked on this program before about my shirtless neighbor. I don't think so. I have a neighbor who – Are you sure this isn't just a Friends episode that you're remembering? My neighbor doesn't wear – Didn't they have a shirtless neighbor?

The naked guy. They had a naked guy. Sorry. Continue. The – Chandler. Chandler was always naked on Friends? I was just saying something else from Friends.

The monkey had no clothes. That's true. That was a nude monkey. My neighbor is... A nude monkey. First of all, I want to say... So is he a great ape or is he a monkey? Because look for the tail.

That's what tells you. If he's got a tail, he's a monkey. No tail, great ape. Four butt cheeks? Jordan, this is a man. Okay. I don't... Here's the thing.

Does he have prehensile feet? He doesn't seem... He doesn't seem to me to have the kind of... Just be blunt. I think you're trying to be polite here. Let's just cut right to the bone he doesn't seem to me to have the kind of focused driving not craziness that i look for in someone that i want to talk to okay he he's you detect a little hint of crazy is i'm gonna put it at 30 he seems functional but crazy okay i'm gonna tell you why like the proverbial mom's brother she doesn't talk to that much.

Yes. Okay. He is 50-ish. Okay. He is typically shirtless. Doesn't have a shirtless body. The shirtless often do not. That's true.

Yeah. Are we talking on a certain level of body fat here or perhaps body hair or maybe back knee? Scars. He's on the juice. Here's the thing. He's not – it would be better if he had a bearish body, which is to say a big rotund, could be obese, but could just be large, hairy type dude. He has no theme.

Then that would be fine. I think that bears shirtlessness surprisingly well. he's sort of he's like a thin guy that's added weight over the years and is now 50 and all of that weight sags in weird ways so it's sort of like what I will look like

when I'm 50 which is to say just point sort of pointy boobs you know what I mean and he has a pit bull Sort of pointy boobs. You know what I mean? Sure. And he has a pit bull. Like Marianne from Gilligan's Island. I was going to go with early 90s Madonna.

Okay. The cones. Something like that, but more you've got the wrong trajectory. Like if someone filled those cones with yogurt. So much yogurt that they were weighed down. And he has a pit bull, which he walks regularly to his credit. Shirtless. But pit bulls never close.

Not once have I seen, oh, you know what? Easter Sunday. Yeah. Wear a nice suit for Easter Sunday. A little clip-on tie. Yeah. But this pit bull used to be a puppy. I guess is not quite a puppy anymore.

I'm going to say it's a year old now. He absolutely cannot control this pit bull. Like I said, he walks it regularly, so I don't think he's neglecting this animal. And look, this is a – he drives a Miata, this guy. The pit bull. I'm trying to, this guy. The pit bull. Yeah. I'm trying to follow, Jesse. The pit bull does.

He has like a 92 Miata. You know what I mean? He has like a sort of bald, semi-bald head where the hair sort of frizzes out like a 30% crazy person. So when you see him- He's not fighting this dog. When he's being shirtless, where is he doing this? Is this on his patio? Is this just to get the mail?

Up and down the street. Up and down the street. Okay. Up and down the street. Him and the pit bull? Him and the pit bull. Okay. Package deal.

Package deal. He always wears pants, to his credit, but just marching up and down the street. And he must walk this dog multiple times a day because I see him very regularly. When you say pants, I'm picturing jorts. Am I off base? It depends how hot it is. Okay. Are there tattoos?

No, there's no tattoos. This guy's a clean living type of guy. No mark of being a juggalo. No, this guy is not a 50-year-old juggalo. All right. I like him less. And so this guy was out when I was taking my rain walk. This guy is the innit because he has a pit bull and he drives a Miata. And so this guy was out when I was taking my rain walk.

This guy is the innit. Because he has a pit bull and he drives a Miata? Who is this guy? And the Miata's kind of fucked up, by the way. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of a fucked up Miata. This is not like a nice Miata. They don't hold up too well. Miatas?

Yeah, especially when you have a pit bull riding shotgun all the time. Pit bull. He did recently put a new top on his Miata, which is nice. Not on his person, but on his Miata. Yeah. Well, previously the Miata had no top and it was just covered by a tarp. So anyway, this guy lives on my block and I took my in-law's dog out for a walk with my son in the rain. And my son was holding the dog

and, you know, my son's two and a half. Can't really hold back a dog when you're two and a half. So I had to deal with a fucking pit bull guy. This pit bull is completely overwhelming. It's like a Marmaduke cartoon. This man, he's not a huge man either, by the way. Simon likes to go out with a string of sausages

tied around his neck, right? Yeah, exactly. Like a little scarf. Exactly. Anyway, so Simon enjoyed it, but we had some trouble. We had some dog trouble. Yeah. I had to run after the dog at one point.

So, I mean, is this your excuse to engage this guy and find out a little bit more about him? I don't want to engage this guy. You're right. You might get roped into a conversation about. I'm already. You know, I'm already. What it's like to be a roadie for Rush in the 70s or something.

I'm already engaged with this guy is not a burnout. Oh, OK. Not a burnout. I'm picturing burnout. No, he's not a burnout. He is a crazy person. OK. There's a difference.

OK. So he was not he's not he he didn't make himself crazy through bad choices. I don't think so. OK. There's a difference. OK. So he didn't make himself crazy through bad choices. I don't think so. OK. I think he's just always been a disaster since high school. OK. I think in high school he became a disaster and not enough of a disaster where he should be institutionalized or even be under someone's care. Like I said, it's 25 or 30 percent.

Sure. It's just his craziness manifests itself by just a lack of control over his own life. Now, I know this is a hard thing to pin down. Why do you say this isn't a, you know, he's not an acid casualty or something? Because that's definitely the age. He has a different look. Okay. It's a very different look.

Yeah, sure. This guy has a buttoned down look except for his shirtlessness. So there's Par very different look. Yeah, sure. This guy has a buttoned down look except for his shirtless look. So there's a pair of chinos then. If it weren't for the fact that he's wearing jorts as a pit bull on a leash that he can't control, I would say that he was a buttoned down type of guy. Okay. There's another guy. Look, the guy who lives in the van on my street, 70% crazy. Okay.

He's legitimately crazy. This is a burnout. This guy, no, this is a blue collar guy. Okay. This guy, the guy who lives in a van is a legitimately crazy person who is blue collar and he'll wave to you and be really nice, but also he yells at himself while he's walking down the street. Gotcha.

And he's huge. That guy is huge. That guy, I like that he seems really nice, but I am a little afraid because he's visibly mentally ill and he's much bigger than me. Does he have a pit bull? No pit bull there. That's good. That's very good.

That's good. You don't want a pit bull living in a van. And like I said, the shirtless guy, he walks his dog multiple times a day. He's a responsible dog owner except for the fact that he apparently – He has not trained it at all. Has not trained it at all and it's the kind of dog that can murder you. Just with too – With a dark look.

With a gnash of its jaws. So my son loves the – the short version of that story is my son loves the weather. The short version of that story is my son loves the weather. My dogs basically run around the house whimpering and shaking anytime there's a thunderstorm. Yeah, we're getting the occasional thunderclap. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't even take the thunder. Even heavy rain on the roof, my dogs will be underneath the coffee table shaking like leaves. I mean, what are you going to do when a fucking shirtless guy in Pitbull, dude, needs some more money?

Maybe they've drank away all their money. They need a new Miata top. Right. Miata top got cut up somehow. Right. Driving under a super low bridge. Right. Very low bridge.

Right. And he comes, he's like, oh, this guy's probably got some nice stereo equipment. You know what I got? I got two things on my side. Okay. Number one, Prius family. Prius family. I know I can count on Prius family.

To help you? Yeah. To come to your aid? To back me up. To fight with you? To fight alongside you? This is going to be a warrior type situation, I presume. Right. Yeah. Now, to fight alongside you. This is going to be a warrior type situation, I presume. Right, yeah.

Now, here's the thing. I like that it's the young artsy families versus the middle-aged. I have a trump card to play, though. So, yes, granted, if you want to talk about who can fight who, who's more deadly, you're going to go with the crazy people. You're going to go with the shirtless people. You're going to go with the crazy people. You're going to go with the shirtless people. You're going to go with the pit bull. You're going to, you know what I mean? You're going to go with the huge guy.

A van resident, yeah. However. Whose side do you think van guy will fight on? He'll fight on shirtless guy's side. Van guy and shirtless guy are together. And my feeling is that my direct neighbor, shady guy, the guy with the hoarder with all of... Scrap iron. The scrap iron hoarder with all of the surveillance cameras,

he'll be on their team too. You know what I think? I think scrap iron guy is for sale. I think he's a mercenary. I think when the shit goes down... I think we convince Prius guy to buy off scrap iron guy. And we use his scaffolding that he has hoarded in his backyard.

Have Prius Family give your Mr. Metal here like an extra NPR tote bag. Right. Just to see what it feels like in his hands. He can walk around with it. You think that what the metal hoarding guy is looking for is tote bags. Yeah. Metal hoarding guys like free swag. If only I had a commuter mug.

I think that's it. One of those wide base commuter mugs, but I do have a trump card here. No matter where my direct neighbor hoarder guy falls on the spectrum, I have a trump card, which is just down the block. And I should explain that the way that my street is, I'm on sort of a back alley type street.

And only about every third house actually opens up to the street. For the rest of the people, it's their backyards. So there's relatively few neighbors within walking distance. I'm picturing like a bizarro Narnia. You should picture like a weird dirt road on the side of a mountain because that's where I live basically. It's the most urban dirt road on the side of a mountain you can possibly imagine. And at the end, right where the dirt starts, that's where the boss of my son's preschool lives, Darlene. Now, Darlene is 60-ish and Darlene has more people living in that house than you can possibly imagine.

In and out at all times. She must have, I don't know if it's brothers, nieces and nephews. There's definitely some grandchildren because Darlene does not have any seven-year-old children. You know what I mean? Sure. Because of her shriveled ovaries. At any given time at this house. Is it because of her shriveled ovaries at any given time at this house because of her shriveled

ovaries. OK. There are three terrifying dogs, two 20 year olds working on motorbikes and someone doing laundry outdoors. So you this is something now you can get the full story on this. You can talk to Darlene, right? Me and Darlene are fucking tight. OK.

But you still don't know with Darlene. You still don't know why. I know that. I don't. Look, it don't know- I roll with Darlene. You still don't know why. I know that Darlene- Look, it's because it's- You know, she owns this house. She's topless as well. No. She's not.

She owns the home. What are Darlene's jugs like? She's a homeowner. You know, she's a hardworking lady. Yeah. A preschool magnate. She's got an extended family that, you know, they've- Somebody's- You know, she's got an preschool magnate she's got an extended family that you know they've somebody's you know she's just got a she's got a brother-in-law that made some bad choices and he's got a couple kids and there's a oh so you think okay so i think where this

why this is helpful is because she's got some desperate people with shady pasts that you can use against these other desperate people with shady pasts who fight dirty. I'm falling in with slash behind Darlene. So I trust Darlene. I trust Darlene with my children. So she creates a kind of a front line. Exactly. While you and Priya's family are kind of like your archers from the back. Her front line has three big dogs and two dudes with motorcycles.

I mean, she's doing well. She can afford an outdoor laundry set. Yeah, exactly. I imagine that would be more expensive. Under an eave. She does her laundry under an eave. Now, this is probably going to be the deciding factor in all of this. Does she have an industrial size thing of Tide?

Yes. Yes. Who has the most laundry detergent? And Tide is the good stuff, right? Oh, wow. Who, where do the, in this battle, where goes the nation of the heavy metal Latino guys? Absolutely with Darlene. Okay.

The metal Latino guys are 1,000% with Darlene. You're talking about like one metal guy, one sort of street punk, not punk rocker, but a street tough. Sure. And one in between. Because your Latino metal guys are not usually street toughs. They're usually artsy. You know, slightly artsier.

You can tell by the Slayer t-shirt. Yeah. But you got a set. You got a full matching set of dudes. You know, the full spectrum. And each of them, you know, each of them has complementary skills. Sure. You would know this probably from, you know, Marvel Ultimate Alliance or something like that.

Sure, yeah. Yeah, you're going to want a guy who's good at – you want somebody with distance attacks. Right. You want just kind of a bruiser. And then you kind of need a well-rounded guy with kind of medium speed and strength. A Captain America, if you will. And Prius family. I mean, I feel like Prius family, the dad – I met the dad.

He seemed nice. He's probably like a graphic designer. You got to figure he's a graphic designer, right? So this is your Spider-Man. He's got distance attacks. Exactly. Distance attacks. They're in the back.

They're coordinating and technological stuff. They got a car with electricity inside of it that makes it roll. A van guy might have something similar. Who fucking knows what the van guy has in the van? He's got a hot plate. That's a wild card I'm going to have to deal with. His special attack is hot plate. He's got like a college dorm set up.

Yeah. He now. He definitely has a bong. You want to talk about jorts? Yes. Van guy's got jorts. Van guy's got some jorts. Okay.

Now here's another set. Wait. These were not originally his jorts either. Did he also direct the film Clerks? Yes. Is thatks? Yes. Is that possible? Yeah. You know, now that I think about it, his van does have a New Jersey devil's paint theme.

Yeah. He's nude except for a hockey jersey, right? Here's the thing. My house, then Darlene's house, then Prius family's house on one side. So this is like your stronghold yeah my direct neighbor because your helm is deep my direct neighbor

then shirtless guy then the van that the van guy lives in on the other side boy this is a real Game of Thrones situation here's a here's something

that I'm very concerned about and it is a Game of Thrones type situation because it's a it's an it's a party that has only loose ties. It's Asian American teens.

The Asian American teens grouping has been hanging out on my street for about nine months now. They don't live on my street. They go to my street to smoke pot. They seem- They're kind of the unsullied in this situation, right? Yeah. They seem like-

They're a warrior class. They always sit in the back of- They always sit on the tailgate of their Nissan Pathfinder. There's about four or five, almost always exclusively dudes, usually the same dudes. And they're not threatening. They're not scary, but they could have skills. Sure. But I think they might get their pot from the van guy.

Because the van guy's got to be doing something. Maybe he's just living off disability or something. Sure. But they have some kind of relationship with the van guy. Oh, interesting. I've seen them interface a couple. They look like if you looked at this group of guys, you'd say, hey, here's some guys that are – some of them are going to be going to Cal State School. Some of them are going to be going to the University of California. These are A and B students, you would say to yourself, if you saw this group of guys.

Because they're all holding graphing calculators. If you didn't know that they were always smoking pot all the time. Yeah. Now, of course, we know that drug smokers don't get anywhere in life. But they have this relationship. So I don't know how they're going to, like culturally, I feel like I can go over there. Look, everybody knows. I just spoke in my high school.

I know I have a rapport with teens. Okay? Yeah. When you go out to confront them, you'll bring a chair from your kitchen. Turn it backwards. Turn it backwards. Yeah. Splay my legs.

Also, you're wearing jorts. And say, gang, let's rap. I think- Once you're done trying to see up my jorts. I think rhetorically, I could go over there and guys, hey guys, how about that new schoolboy Q? They'd say, hey, this old guy's pretty hip. Want to smoke some drugs? And I'll be like, hey, I'll take the J and I'll put it on the ground.

I'll stomp it out and I'll say, we've got more important shit to do. Let's take it to the shirtless asshole. But first. Who's never been anything but nice to me. But first, let's go wait in line for some sneakers. Now, all the while, do you have a boom box on your shoulder? Maybe a little Drake is bumping so they know you're hip. But also sensitive.

Yeah, so they know I'm a rap pussy. Oh, yeah. Pussies are strong, by the way. Go tell them you're... Tell them a Drake's a rat pussy, and you're going to have the entire nation of the Philippines on your ass. Oh, boy. I'm assuming these guys are Filipino. They're not Filipino guys. How can you tell? Have you seen them

dance? I know what Filipino guys look like. Yeah. Yeah, you know, you're right. They look different. These are East Asian guys. East Asian? And they look like a variety. If I was going to guess, I'd guess that some of them were Chinese American, some of them were Vietnamese

American. Okay, I was going to go North Korean. There might be a couple Korean guys in there, a lot of Korean guys in LA. Sure. They look like, I would say, the reason I say Asian American specifically, they look like a variety of Asian ethnicities. That would be my guess. Maybe they're the Asian kids from their school. Could be. You know, they're the clique. They like to go smoke pot on my street. Something I've noticed. Yeah. There's the, I mean, this might be far

too regional, but I think we've talked about this on the show before. The lines outside of boutique sneaker places to get limited edition sneakers. Sure. Lines of sneaker heads. Right. Yeah. That is what their classification, sneaker heads? Yeah, sneaker heads.

Those – that same lineup of guys, that same demographics. And you're right to think that these guys who are smoking pot on my street, they're like those guys. Yeah. They're a little bit, maybe a little 15% squarer than those guys. Okay. But go ahead. Sure.

That line has started appearing in front of places other than sneaker places. But ironically, not sneaker pimps concerts. No, exactly. No, there's no crossover. No one's there. You didn't get the Nike SBX Superior grocery store? I know, right? Are other places other than sneaker stores now getting limited edition sneakers to attract that crowd?

That's an interesting question. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know the answer to that. I'm not deep enough into collectible sneaker world. There certainly are other types of boutiques that have their own collectible sneakers. Right. It's not just a sneaker store.

If only there were some Asian American youths on your street smoking pot, you could ask, Jesse. I don't know. I'm afraid of teenagers. No, that's true. It sounds like you're going to need them. They probably carry box cutters. At the end of the day, what this is going to lead to is it's going to lead to cross-cultural dialogue between me, an elderly person, and these teens.

We're going to talk about why young people support marijuana legalization, for example, and why young people don't thinkke is a pussy and that disqualifies him from being a rapper so why young people think it's okay to buy a rap album by a guy from degrassi junior high oh yeah these uh asian american youth they love the degrassi they do i'm sure they know all about it is oh i don't know enough about degrassi is degrassi is one of those things that's still going on i think so like are there new dei. Is Degrassi one of those things that's still going on? I think so. Like are there new Degrassis? I think Degrassi still exists. Is it one of those things that's just been a constant? I think Degrassi is like EastEnders.

It's like Canada's EastEnders. It'll just go forever. Yeah, that's the impression that I've gotten. Oh, it's a television show. I thought it was a place in your heart. Like it's just kind of always there. You know, when you need it in tough times, you just go to Degrassi. Yeah, they say the human heart, they say the humans are born

with two holes in their heart. One is shaped like Jesus, and one is shaped like Degrassi. And you, you know, through your life, you learn to fill those two respective holes. And if you get addicted to heroin, you better fill at least one of the two holes. You gotta go see the van guy.

Yeah, he's got heroin. He's got the China White. What do you think the most hardcore drug is that we can get from van guy? Glue. Yeah, model glue. Yeah. The van guy is so nice. That's the thing. Like, he really knows

how to not get kicked out of his parking spot. Yeah. Because the reason that the guys go there to smoke pot and the guy parks his van there is because, as I mentioned,

there are long stretches of my street that have no house fronts on them only house backs in the part place where he parks he's just parked up against somebody's back fence that doesn't even have a door in it so there's nobody there to tell him to move except for somebody like me that lives like three quarters of a block away and i'm not going to tell him because he always waves to me and I appreciate that. Except then I see him yelling at himself and he's so much bigger than me that I get nervous. What I like about this is that he does say hi. In my mind, he says hi and then just yells a crazy conspiracy theory. Like, how you doing, Jesse?

The news has secret messages. That's pretty much where he's at. Yeah. I'll tell you what. My direct neighbor, the hoarder, hired him to work in his backyard managing his hoard. Wow. I saw him out there working. So he's making piles, cataloging what's in the piles?

My neighbor's hoarding is very carefully piled. It's a hoard. He shouldn't have it. Let me be clear about it. But I mean, if you're going to have it. But he's got it reasonably. He was out there in a rain hat today taking care of a few things that needed tarpaulins over them.

Just saying. Sounds like a low-rent United Nations on your block. Really? Now, are you okay saying your neighborhood on the show? I live in Mount Washington. Yeah. Now, you said, Caleb, we need you to come over. We're going to record a commercial for the Mount Washington Chamber of Commerce today.

I don't think it's going in the correct direction. There's some mixed messages here. Visit lovely Mount Washington. Meet the man guy. I would say the place to shoot it would not be my block. You see, we have a nice elementary school, one of the best in the city. It's one of the reasons I live there. Some nice parks?

Got some nice parks. But what you're looking at is you're looking at the kind of stuff that happens on a street that is half dirt in the middle of Los Angeles that doesn't have house fronts on it three quarters of the time. Do you want pavement? I would like the full street to be paved. But my guess is that the people who live on the dirt part of the street move there because they wanted to live on a street that nobody drove down. So they can, you know, do something shady. Here's the thing.

Those people, as you go further in the dirt direction, it actually gets higher end because you get further away from the bottom of the hill. So the more dirt you go, the higher up the hill you go. And also those people are mostly people whose houses front on the street below us, which is a nice street. That's a street I used to live on when I was a renter. Then I moved to the slightly shady street. Anyway, that's real estate talk. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan Jesse Go. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners.

Want to do something mind-bendingly fun this summer? Why don't you join us at the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival? And when I say us, I'm talking about me. I'm talking about Greg Barron, Kamau Bell, Chris Fairbanks, Gene Gray, Moshe Kasher, Karen Kilgariff, Kyle Kinane, Natasha Leggero, Morgan Murphy, John Roderick, and a cast of hundreds. It's an amazing trip from Florida to the Bahamas. You'll have such a good time. It is so fun. I can't even begin to tell you how fun it is. More information and tickets, which are on sale now at boatparty.biz. That's boatparty Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Caleb Bacon, Rain Walker, Texas Ranger. I went somewhere this week. I don't want to make this show, this week's program all about me. No. There's a lot going on, it sounds like. I went somewhere. It was one of the more amazing places I'd ever been in my life, which is Russell Simmons' house.

Okay. I was going to guess that. Yeah. I was going to suggest Russell Stover's house. See, I smell Def Jam more than french bread pizza write that down brian um just write it down so we can read it later um i uh i guess russell simmons is looks like he's going to be on Bullseye, my public radio program. And thanks to his ghostwriter, the ghostwriter, he wrote a book about meditation, how to get ahead by meditating, a classic theme. And his ghostwriter –

Let me ask you this. Did he start meditating after he was a millionaire or before? Did he start meditating after he was a millionaire or before? I think when he was in Hollis, Queens with his brother and Daryl McDaniels and Jam Master Jay. R.I.P. And Rick Rubin. They were all meditating together and thinking about their Adidas. Sure.

You know, other Run DMC songs. How tricky it is. Well, that's about meditation. It's very tricky to meditate when you first start because it's like a practice. It's tricky to meditate, to meditate, to meditate. It's tricky. It's tricky. So anyway, I sort of knew the, writer of this book, and he said, do you want to go to the book party?

And I was like, yeah, I guess so. I've never even been to a book party, which seems weird because that's the kind of thing that a public radio host would go to. Pretty much exclusively. Yeah. I mean, yeah, if there's one place a public radio host can go for a little pussy, it's a book party. You're like, oh, your party's at a discotheque? Sorry. Where's my book party? Community room at the Los Feliz Public Library?

I'm in. Yeah. Just banging around in that broom closet, huh? From 3 to 4 p.m. Sure. Doing blow in the green room with Elmore Leonard? I had. I just emailed Julia and Nick, my producers.

I said, we're going to a party at Russell Simmons' house. So he's having the book party at his house. Yeah, that's the thing. The book party is at Russell Simmons' house. Look, if Russell Simmons' book party is at the Beverly Hills Public Library, that seems like a lot of hassle to drive to Beverly Hills to go to Russell Simmons' book party. Yet you drove to Hollis, Queens. That's still kind of a big deal. Now, Caleb, I should explain something to you.

While he has a really vivid backstory, Russell Simmons no longer lives in Hollis. Oh. He's also a lot older now. Okay. But he at least spends Christmas there, right? Yeah. Hollis is like a place in your heart like Degrassi. Sure. Yeah. Hollis is like a place in your heart like Degrassi. Sure.

Yeah. So humans are born with three holes in their hearts. He lives in the Hollywood Hills. Relatively low in the Hollywood Hills. I'm not trying to put down Russell Simmons. Wow. Because he met my gaze and shook my hand in a very friendly manner, considering I was a stranger in his home. But he's not up there with the Goldblooms of the world.

No, Goldbloom, he lives in that bronze castle on the top. Yeah. Jordan, how many Goldblooms are you referencing? You know, Jeff Goldbloom and his lesser brothers, Barry. And, of course, Winky Goldblum. Complimentary Valley Parking. Hey. At the Simmons residence.

Not bad. Van Guy, what are you doing here? I know. Free valet, Jesse. Who invited Van Guy, cruised in. No, I don't need your ticket. Party advertised 7.30 to 9.30. Showed up around 8.

A good party would say 7.30 until question mark. Yeah, that's true. You got to leave it open to rage a little. I mean, I could see this being a thing where, you know, you invite in, not the public, but, you know, the media and stuff like that. You do your glad handing. And then, oh, well well we'll see you guys later hey celebrities uh i think you all left your coats in the closet celebrities stick around that's when elmer leonard comes out with the blow r.i.p did he die he's r.i.p his ghost comes

through the floor right with the mirror that's Goldblum's house. Spanish style home. Not unusual in the Hollywood Hills. Perfectly tasteful. I'll say this for Russell Simmons. Has a lot of awards. Fucker has a Peabody award. Wow. I was pretty annoyed that he had a Peabody award.

What? So tell me this. I guess I kind of know what Russell Simmons got famous for, but what has he been up to lately other than writing this meditation book? Well, I mean, he's a professional mogul. He may still own part of Fat Farm and Baby Fat. You know, he just he puts together deals. He's a guy.

Clothing line? If you're that's a clothing line. OK. Baby, Baby Fat. Oh. OK. Baby fat and fat farm. I think that if you are – and of course if anybody out there doesn't know, Russell Simmons founded Def Jam Records. But I think if you are a company with too much money, you give Russell Simmons a million dollars to introduce you to some black people. I think that's basically Russell Simmons job. And he's done very well at it, I think, over the years.

Like Taye Diggs? God, I would. Would you? What would you pay to be introduced to Taye Diggs? Eighty dollars. I actually paid 120. Wow. It was a pledge drive thing.

Oh, okay. So I felt good in my heart, but I got to meet Taye Diggs. Is he listener supported? I don't think he's self-supported. You got that Taye Diggs tote bag. I drop a hundo on dinner. What if it was dinner with Diggs? Diggs den.

I mean, is this like soup, salad, coffee afterwards, or is this just like a panini? It's a tasting menu. Oh, okay. It's a nice, it's not a huge, we're not talking about a 12-course tasting menu, but we're talking about like a 6-course tasting menu. Oh, okay.

That's nice. Prepared by Chef Diggs himself. No, it's not prepared by Chef Diggs. He has not touched my food. It's prepared by- Can I ask him to touch my food before I put it in my mouth? I don't think he's going to do it. Okay.

Jordan, that may mean something else in his neighborhood. Touch my food? Yeah, the black people neighborhood. What would it mean? You're going to need to hire Russell Simmons to explain slang to you. I've listened to It's Tricky. I know it's about getting zen. It's a mid-level, it's like a mid-level high-end chef that prepares the food.

So it's like a well, he's a well-respected restaurant chef, but we're not talking about Wolfgang Puck. Okay. Like his resume says, worked with Wolfgang Puck. Sure. And that could just be he was the front host. But he has a nice restaurant that maybe even it's in contention for its first Michelin star. Okay.

Okay. And you're getting a nice six-course tasting menu with Taye Diggs. With Taye Diggs. Yeah. Not rushed. It's not rushed. But he does, I mean, you know, he has a life. It's not forever, but it's-

Like we're not having, you know, a couple cocktails afterwards. No. $84. $84? Mm-hmm. I'm adding $4 for that dinner. What about you, Caleb? Well, what do you tip a Diggs?

You don't have to tip Diggs. I would tip Diggs. You're not paying Diggs. The money doesn't go to Taye Diggs. Taye Diggs. You don't have to tip Diggs. I would tip Diggs. You're not paying Diggs. The money doesn't go to Taye Diggs. Taye Diggs has money already. This guy's been on film and television already. He plays Tyrese, right?

You're thinking of Tyrese. Oh, different guy. Yeah. That's a whole different price range. Yeah. I mean, if this was dinner with Tyrese. Jordan, what would you pay for dinner with Tyrese? Boy, $9,000? Really? $9,000?

Yeah. How much savings do you have right now? I mean, I think I got it. I got it. You got $9,000? Liquid? Are you going to have to dip into your retirement or you got it in your rainy day fund? I got it.

I think I'll be fine. I think Tyrese is the rainy day fund. That is, yeah. I have my checking account. And then instead of having a rainy day fund, you'll have a picture of you dining with Tyrese that you can show to ensure your credit line. Yeah, if I need to get a business loan. It's like a letter of introduction when you went to the colonies from England.

Exactly. He'll stamp it with a wax seal. So yeah, I mean, I have my checking account. I have my money from England. Sure. Exactly. He'll stamp it with a wax seal. So yeah, I mean I have my checking account. I have my money market account. Right. I have my Roth IRA. Sure. And then I have my Tyrese slush.

Sure. I've got a SEP. SEP? Yeah, I got a SEP. I've got a slush. I have a Roth, but I also have a SEP. Roth SEP? A Roth and a SEP.

But now all of these gentlemen of color were at Russell Simmons' house? Is that what I'm led to believe? Russell Simmons was there. Okay, so Russell Simmons is just kind of a – he's a business guy. He's dipped into some sort of clothing line. Yeah, he made tens of millions if not hundreds of millions from his clothing line. And he was part of the music business back when you became a bazillionaire from being in the music business. And he founded the most important and successful rap label ever.

So, you know, he's not sweating it. While not having to give good deals to his artists because, you know, that's not cool. Yeah, including his brother. Yeah. Oh, by the way, when you're hanging out at Russell Simmons' house, sometimes Run DMC comes on. Whoa. I know. So, yeah, Jane Fonda was there.

Wow. She brought a dog. She was holding a dog the entire time. I would say- What are the other- I'm thinking about who the crowd is. You got Fonda. It's exactly who you would expect it would be, which is to say – You said Jane Fonda.

Already. That's not who I expected at all. Yeah, we're outside of the realm of expectations. Well, you have to understand that I think in Hollywood, famous people become friends with other famous people where their common ground is that they're both famous people. Yeah. You know, here's an interesting – I think here's something that connects it. It's like Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson. Sure. Yeah. You know, here's an interesting – I think here's something that connects it. It's like Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson. Sure.

Yeah, exactly. Well, I guess on the Golden Globes this year, the guy – I forget what he won it for. I think it was her. But the guy from like Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros won some award for scoring a movie. I would guess it was her. I'm not particularly sure. And, you know, he— I think it was 12 years his life.

Might be. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. It had that kind of orchestral pop, a lot of xylophone, but then some rocking guitars. So this guy looks—I mean, is a cartoon of a hipster. Giant beard, weird, like, you know, bun in his long hair. Instead of a sign that says, now entering Portland, it's just his headshot. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just like, welcome. So, yeah, this is I mean, and some sort of crazy like old time bartender suit on. And, you know, he's accepting this award and he, you know, is just kind of mumbling through it like he kind of doesn't know where he is. And I guess Diddy presented the award. And then Diddy took the mic. He's like, oh, I know this guy. I was on a yacht with this guy.

So. Yeah. Exactly. So you're looking at the. Now I don't need to watch the Golden Globes this year. Primarily older people. And when I say older people, I'm not talking about Jane Fonda age. Jane Fonda was relatively old for the crowd.

But I'm talking about 50-year-olds. But 50-year-olds who've had a lot of work done. The amount of plastic surgery going on. You hear about Hollywood and plastic surgery and people having weird yoga bodies that are too old to have weird yoga bodies and all of those things. And you think, come on. It's just, you know, Hollywood's just a place. Just people like everywhere else. No, sir.

It is not like everywhere else. Because it was going on at Russell Simmons' house. It was very different from real life. That's because you drove from your dirt road featuring shirtless guy with a pitbull and van guy. And then you see Jane Fonda and Russell Simmons. And I think more of the issue with the amount of those people relative to the amount of other people in L.A. is that maybe not that they're most of the population because they're certainly not. But sometimes they will all get together in one area. Yeah.

They will swarm. That's exactly correct. So, yeah, I think that sometimes you will go into some sort of situation, a Russell Simmons's house, a Lululemon. Right. And it will seem like this is the new – this is the only kind of person there is. But then you can go to a normal place and not see one for weeks. Absolutely. That's exactly correct.

And this was. They're like wasps is what I'm trying to say. Waspy wasps. This was. Oh, that's funny. One of those. This was one of those situations. I mean, you know, you're at.

It's like a normal person's house. Like it wasn't palatial. I mean, it's in the Hollywood Hills, so it must have been very expensive. But it's not a palatial. It's a large home but not a palatial home. His family is there. His family seemed to be like by looking at them, by far the most normal people there. Like he had some sort of teenage children there. And they didn't seem like coked up or anything?

No, they seemed like – That's cool. They were like – had genuinely pleasant smiles. They were happy that their dad had put out a book. Nice to meet you. Got to go do my homework. That was pretty much what it was. Yeah, it was kind of funny.

Yeah, it was a very nice little family there. I will say I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom are some really sweet family photographs. And then also maybe Dave LaChapelle picture of Naomi Campbell pouring milk all over her naked body. That was probably my favorite sketch on The LaChapelle Show. Yeah. That's just assigned to Russell Simmons. Like someone's like – Naomi Campbell was like, you know what?

I want to send Russell a picture of me to remember me by. She's like, how about this one where I'm naked and pouring milk all over myself? And just like a sweet note, like, love you. Love you, Russell. You're the best. I got a fridge full of milk that goes bad tomorrow. What are we going to do? So that happened.

I want to know the whole guest list. Was Iman there? I did not see Iman. But I saw the Iman of the 21st century, Amber Rose. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't know who that is. Amber Rose was a video vixen and model who famously dated Kanye West for several years. Shaved head kind of look. Yeah.

Oh, I know who that is. Shaved blonde hair. And now she's got a shaved head and shaved blonde hair and now she's romantically associated with Wiz Khalifa who was not there did not see Wiz Khalifa

he's doing four to six upstate I will see no he's not Wiz I don't know no he's just

having a successful rap career oh fine is he the guy who made all those weird he also made like he also makes like weird stony rock albums, right? Did Wiz Khalifa make a stony rock album? I think he did.

That's Pink Floyd. Oh, I'm thinking of Pink Floyd, yeah. Who's the 20-year-old rapper? Lil Wayne made a rock album. I don't know if it ever came out. I don't think it came out. It was going to come out, but then the single came out,

and it was horrible. It could not have been worse. What's the gold standard for a hip-hop guy who tries to make a rock album? Limp Bizkit. Right. I think we could all agree. Well, that's a perfect fusion of rock and rap. I wouldn't say that that's a departure.

They like perfectly fused the two. There have been relatively few hip-hop guys who have tried to make rock albums. I mean I'm trying to think of who they are. Doesn't Common have one? M.O.P. made a rock album. I don't think Common has it. No, Common has one album called Electric Circus that was a little harder edged than his usual

more granola-y sound that was executive produced by Questlove that was not entirely successful. Not entirely unsuccessful either. Darius Rucker? Darius Rucker. He's the most successful.

Gentleman of color with a guitar. Amber Rose is a woman who is unbelievable to see with your eyes. Does she still have a shaved head? She has a shaved head. Tall? She's tall. She has a very warm and charismatic presence. She is very beautiful.

And her butt goes out like a foot from where it should end. People were setting their drinks on it. Like, it is... She is just... She is like a human cartoon character because she is... She has... I mean, it's like Pamela Anderson boobs

of butt. Does she... Now, there seems... There are fake butts, right? Yeah, but I don't think this is a fake butt. It could be. You can inject stuff, so you don't have to get like a full-on implant.

There's a way to give yourself some extra curves. Okay. I got a guy. Really? Because, yeah, I've been wanting to plump up my derriere. I'd like to be able to. Jordan, if I can't see your derriere from the front, I'm out. But it was so.

That's reasonable. That's reasonable. It was just so amazing to see someone. That's reasonable. That's reasonable. It was just so amazing to see someone. I mean, I think it would be something like what it would be like to see the statuesqueness of Iman. That's why I mentioned it with regard to Iman. Like if you saw Iman in real life, you couldn't believe that was a real person because she's so statuesque and beautiful.

Kind of like an alien. Yeah. It was like an alien. That literally came to my mind it was like an alien or a cartoon and she was very beautiful like i don't like more beautiful in real life than on film and she's very beautiful on film um and seemed very warm and pleasant was very charismatic but i had just never seen a regular sized person with a butt like that i i was interested in it too i don't it's not like it's my thing but it was compelling

i am definitely when you see definitely that is one of the things that i think I stare rudely at is an out-of-proportion butt. I have a hard time not just focusing all my attention on that. You get fucking locked in. Sure. So here's the thing. It's like eye contact, but with a butt. We're in the pool backyard. The pool is covered over with this kind of AstroTurf and is it like an an astroturf platform? As you do. Yeah, well, you know, we can't have people

drowning in the pool. You need extra room. There's an open bar. We're having some fun. Sometimes you want to play lawn darts. Australian tennis pro is talking to me. Don't want to talk to him. Why not? He's annoying. He's trying to get me to like join

his country club. Okay. Do I look like a guy that joins? I probably did. You probably did look like a guy who would join a country club. But I – You were wearing your ascot, right? I was.

Yes. But it was tilted off to this – I had a million dollar bill in my hand. Which you used to light your cigar. So me and Nick and Julia there, we're talking – are there. We're talking to each other. We're trying to figure out would it be possible for us to talk to anyone else at this party. Open bar?

Open bar. Did you have a tweet up? No. We should have just tweeted it up. You can't just invite them as a riffraff. No. You see who's there? Who follows you?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Probably. Hashtag Russell Simmons book party. I know Jane Fonda follows me. So I could have. Maybe I could have scored with Fonda.

She follows like a million people. It's not real. Oh. She's one of them. One of those tweet bots? Yeah. Like horse e-books? So Jane Fonda is going to turn out to be an art project, right?

You know what? Don't email me about the fact that horse e-books was a real person and not a tweet bot. I know that. Yeah. I don't even like horse a tweet bot. I know that. Yeah. I don't even like horsey books. That's it. The end of horsey books talk. Okay.

So Jordan, so Nick and Julia and I are sitting there conversing with each other and they're my producers. Are they getting super fucked up? Nobody's getting super fucked up. It's too bad. There's a specialty cocktail. Oh, yeah? It's a margarita. No, it's not a margarita.

It's a, what's the most famous cocktail? Martini. Shit and topic. It's a martini. It's a specialty martini. I'm having a San Pellegrino. But I'm like, hey, guys, let's go meet some famous people. And they're just like, we don't want to.

I wouldn't call either of them gregarious. They're both friendly. But you know what? It's their fucking job. Sure. Oh, yeah. I'm standing there. Yeah.

We go to a celebrity's party. We better come home with at least one business card of, you know, Donald Logue's manager. Donald Logue from Scrubs? No, that's Donald Faison. Yeah, not Donald Faison. Faison? Donald Logue from the Dow of Steve and Terriers. Okay.

That guy's great. Okay. So J.B. Smoove is at the party. Oh, yeah. Now, number one, let me just say this. If you've ever wondered whether the great comedian J.B. Smoove, known for playing Leon on Curb Your Enthusiasm, being on that CBS sitcom with Putty from Seinfeld,

all kinds of different cool stuff like that. The list is not that long. But he's a memorable figure. I love that guy. If you're wondering, is J.B. Smoove just like that? Oh, yeah. He's going around this party being like that 100%. And I'm so excited.

Yeah. I am so excited. Oh, I saw the RZA too. Oh, that's a good one. That was pretty good. I recognize the RZA. I'm very bad at recognizing. You hadn't seen The Man with the Iron Fists.

Yes. Because you could have taught. That's a great opener. Yeah. I'm bad at recognizing celebrities. Do not see The Man with the Iron Fists. I am very bad at recognizing celebrities. Do not see the man with the iron fists. I am very bad at recognizing celebrities. And so I was excited that I recognized the RZA because it was like points over my party going.

He did have a t-shirt that said ODBRIP. I did. That probably made it easier. Yeah, he did. He was wearing Run DMC eyeglasses and I found myself wondering, he was Cazals, I was wondering if he chose them for the party specifically or if it's an everyday thing for him. Anyway. He's probably got more than one pair. He walked up to you and said, put this on.

So I'm pissed at Nick and Julia for not talking to any celebs or even any celebrity adjacent people. So I'm like, fuck you. I'm going to go talk to J.B. Smoove right now. I've never met J.B. Smoove. Take some initiative. I've fucking never met. Well, I think when you're at this thing where there is a barrier to entry, I think you can just go up and talk to people. You know what I said?

J.B. Smoove, I'm not going to lie to you. Pootie Tang is one of my favorite fucking things. And he said Lance Crowther, the guy who played Pootie Tang, just called him. He said, I just talked to Lance. He said, hi, this is Lance. You know, Pootie Tang, just called him. Said, I just talked to Lance. Said, hi, this is Lance. You know, Pootie Tang. Is that guy's biggest role to date? What's been his post-Pootie Tang career?

Yeah, I mean, he wasn't even an actor before Pootie Tang. He was just a writer on the Chris Rock show that they had do Pootie Tang because someone came up with that idea. Yeah, I don't think he's done. Now, I did not see 12 Years a Slave. Could he have been in it? Lance Crowther? Yeah. He's an African-American gentleman, if that's what you mean.

I mean, technically anyone could have been in 12 Years a Slave. I didn't see it either. Probably not any Asian-Americans in that movie. No. Not the ones on your street. Seems unlikely. Those guys are too busy smoking pot to have that kind. No. Not the ones on your street. Seems unlikely. Yeah. Those guys are too busy smoking pot to have that kind of success.

Yeah, right. Like, someone could smoke pot and be an actor. Like, that's preposterous. That's impossible. That's preposterous. Unpossible. So I had a fucking

nice conversation with J.B. Smoove. Oh, that's nice. You know what we talked about? Achieving your dreams. What's his take on it? Keep your legs moving. You should.

Keep your legs moving. Always should. Keep your legs moving. Always look to get to that next level. Did he throw in like a, make sure you're tapping that ass, Jesse? No, that would have been great if he said that. That would have been nice. But he was happy. He was delighted to talk with me about Poodie Tang. That's great.

Fucking loves Poodie Tang. I thought Poodie Tang was one of those things that if you were involved with it, you're happy to talk about it. I know Kristen Bell was excited to talk about Poodie Tang when I talked to her about it yesterday. I'll talk to anybody about Pootie Tang that was in Pootie Tang. Let's get Andy Richter on the horns. Let's talk to him about Pootie Tang. Speaking of movies. Todd Berry.

Dave Attell. Louis C.K. Yeah. Speaking of those sorts of movies, movies that were maybe considered a huge failure but have since kind of got cult status, I went to see Cabin Boy at the SF Sketch Fest. That was one of my SF Sketch Fest activities. I saw that movie in the theater with my dad. So they did a Q&A with Chris Elliott and the director. I forget the director's name.

Somebody wacky right it's you know it was just a guy uh tim burton was supposed to direct cabin boy but then some kind of crazy studio things happened and then they're like we need someone to direct cabin boy you the guy who co-wrote cabin boy with chris elliott adam resnick adam resnick is the guy's name and he was he was was another writer on Letterman. He co-created Get a Life with Chris Elliott. So, yeah. By the way, who saw Get a Life and thought, let's make a movie with this guy? I was a big fan of Get a Life and continue to be, but what movie executive?

This could go wide. That was still in the era. This is a three quadrant, four quadrant? That was still in the era- Three quadrant. You're missing a quadrant. That was still in the era where I guess they didn't really do any focus groups or anything. They just said, hell, I don't know what the kids liked.

Let's make one of these and see what happens. Well, it was on Fox, right? That was a time when just weird shit was on Fox. Absolutely. Just crazy things were on Fox. Counter culture. Sure. Culture Clash had a TV show on Fox at the time. Yeah, there you go. Absolutely. Like, just crazy things were on Fox. Counter-culture. Sure. Culture Clash had a TV show

on Fox at the time. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. House of Buggin'. Sure. This was in that era. It wasn't exclusively Latino-themed sketch comedy.

But mostly. Substantially. Yeah, that was definitely a golden age for Latino-themed sketch comedy. Rock. Rock, sure. I was a big Rock fan.

I loved Rock. Yeah, there was, I feel like in that Fox, in that weird Fox era, there was some good stuff. Did you know that Rock killed a man? I do know that, yeah. Rock's a murderer. Yeah, yeah.

Jeez Louise. Oh, anyway, so – Dutton? What's his name? Charles S. Dutton. Charles S. Dutton, yeah. The – Also went to Yale School of Drama after he got out of prison.

That's a good story. I know. Was that what J.B. Smoove told you about? He's like, you're probably going to pull a Dutton. He recommended that I murder someone. Go to jail for a few years. Reform. Go to the Yale School of Drama.

He thought it was inevitable. Become the voice of the playwright of my generation. And then, yeah. Absolutely. Believe it or cheat it. And then get a sitcom. So you can speak at your high school. Was the grandpa on rock Dick Gregory?

You know, ask that question. In my memory, he's Dick Gregory, but it's been a really long time. There's not a nice rock box set out there you could buy and revisit rock. Although maybe there is. They did a lot of, didn't they do an entire live season? I think there's like once – I think it's like just once a year they would do rock live. Oh, okay. Kind of like 30 Rock did for a while.

Maybe that's where they were getting it from. Anyway. Rock's in the name. People are going to expect it. Sure. So anyway, so yeah, the director of Cabin Boy hates Cabin Boy. Was – and I did not – Was he right or wrong?

Huh? Was he right or wrong? He is both. Cabin Boy is a mess of a movie that has some hilarious shit in it. And I would say that the directing isn't really the problem with it. It's a kind of a – it's a really cool-looking movie. Like it – their vision for it was that it would kind of look homemade and kind of cheap kind of like a you know ray harrah housing movie crossed with like a you know a high school play and it looks really cool i mean it definitely you know i think i think if it came

out now it would be accused of having like a hipster aesthetic i david letterman's in it how bad can it be oh david letterman's in it that part's great fun that part is so fun to see with an audience everybody just goes nuts at everything he says. Because they all want to buy a monkey. Yeah, exactly. Hey, little girl. You're one of them fancy lads. So he hates the film so much he shows up in the Q&A.

And he was convinced. Like, would always, would, so, you know, there was a moderator. And he is a hip comedy writing legend. Yeah, totally. And he would, like, turn to the audience periodically, stop answering the question and say, you guys are here because you hate the movie. You're making fun of me, right? He was convinced he was a boob. He was a stooge there to be laughed at.

He was convinced that it was The Room or something? Yeah, exactly. He thought that's kind of what it was. Anyway, so that was funny that I would think that, you know, if you made Cabin Boy and you were going to a midnight screening of Cabin Boy at a comedy festival, you would like walk in like a hero triumphant, you know, and just fucking high five and sign tits. Yeah, exactly. But no, he was like – he seemed worried that he was, you know, going to get like ensnared in a net or something. Did you start a slow clap? We love you, David. People were like – yeah.

Every time he did that, people would yell like, no, we love it. And like people would stand up and like just gush about how much they loved the movie. But he didn't seem convinced. He thought it was all an act. Anyway, I felt bad for him it seems like if you have that awful you know that awful time where your movie tanks and it's hard to get work again you should at least like be able to revel in its cultness afterwards

I felt bad for him I wished he could have I felt the same way about Russell Simmons he seems like he has a real shit life his good looks his meditation he said at the end in his remarks he said at the end of the day we all just want to be happy, don't we?

Yeah. I mean – That was a good point, Russell. So when did you guys call it a night? 9.45, 10 o'clock. I'll tell you what happened. We ran into the guy, the co-author. Okay.

Ran into Jeff Weiss, rap journalist Jeff Weiss from the LA Weekly, also podcaster. Jeff Weiss, rap journalist Jeff Weiss from the LA Weekly, also podcaster. And we started chopping it up about book and rap acts on radio shows and podcasts. As you do. As we do. It's a fun topic.

We were having a good time and the real question came up, which was this is something that you guys might have an opinion on. We're running low on time, but we can take this one last issue. As long as it's a hot topic. My friend had a tincture of marijuana. Cannabis.

Cannaboids. The devil's nectar. A tincture. Now, a tincture is the liquid form. Stalin's taint. Party favor. No, no, tape. Stalin's taint. Party favor. No, no, taint. Stalin's taint. Satan's sphincter. I like Stalin's party favor.

I like the idea of him throwing tincture parties. Okay, now everyone, quaff your tinctures. Well, anyway, I'm off to send some people to the gulag to die. Now that I'm off to send some people to the Gouk to die. Now that I'm super baked.

Okay. Anyway, so he had this tincture, but he lives in New York City, the home of Hollis Queens. And he wanted to know, could he take this tincture on the airplane? Now, I'll tell you what I was arguing for. I said, and this agent guy that was talking to us as well, also said, agent slash producer, we said, if there's a label on it, just soak it off or take it off or whatever. Just throw it in your toiletry bag. It'll be fine.

And if there's any trouble, you just say, oh, shit. I don't know. My homeopath gave me this. And if you get arrested, you just got arrested for possession

in Los Angeles. You're going to have to, you're going to pay like a $20 fine and maybe miss your flight. Like, miss your flight is the worst thing that's going to happen to you.

Like, they might, as long as you don't flip out and you're white, you're going to be okay. The judge will still high-five you. What if you're an Asian and you raise your voice? That's a mixed bag. Well, people expect throwing stars. As long as you're not a teen, you're safe. People hate teens. As long as you're not a teen, you're safe.

People hate teens. People hate teens. Teen hate far surpasses any racism, I think. That's why there's never been a teen president. Fucking millennials. What are we going to do with them? There will be an atheist president before there's a teen president. Mark my words. My words.

I – in regards to flying in marijuana, I never – like I won't fly with a pair of pants that I've had a joint in. I'm so afraid of getting caught. Like if a pair – you know, if some residue got on it. Like I'm really afraid of it. I won't travel with anything. Do you have special pants just for joints? Yeah, I do have my joint pants. A pair of Jankos. Cargo Jankos. Cargo Jankos.

I sewed the cargos on myself from some old Star Wars bed sheets. Excellent. I look really good and have sex constantly. What do you think? Flying with weed. It's a tincture. Remember,

we're talking about a tincture, a sealed tincture. Now, I have traveled with liquid narcotics before. Oh, my. But it was heroin. It was an animal tranquilizer that I'm sober plenty of years now. It's a different time. Sure. But anything liquid-based, you get a small contact lens container, you get rid of the solution, you put your liquid in there.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. That's what I would have told him. Huh. That seems, that seems, that's downright crafty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you put a little felt owl on there.

Sure, yeah. It's all about Etsy. See, now, the alternative that was being argued for was that- Don't do dope. Someone should FedEx it to him. That seemed like it leaves too much of a paper trail to me. Now, on the other hand, I guess there's something of a paper trail to having it in your possession. Arguably.

I like the contact lens thing, and I'm sticking with it. I never was a FedEx guy. It's not hard to get pot, though. That's what I said. Just don't take it on the plane. and I'm sticking with it. Okay. I never was a FedEx guy. It's not hard to get pot, though. That's what I said. Just don't take it on the plane. I mean, maybe you've got a strain that you like. The other thing that I said was- Maybe you won't be able to-

You live in New York, a city where there's men that bring you pot to your house. Yeah, there's a guy. I was talking to someone from New York about pot. There's a guy who will bring you pot and a grilled cheese sandwich that he makes. We've all seen Half Baked. We know how Mr. Nice Guy works.

Sure. I would have... So, what's this special... Maybe you won't be able to get OG Liu Kang like you like. I'm thinking this tincture, he picked it up atop Amber Rose's behind, and so it was very special. He didn't want to part with it. Oh, yeah.

Sure. It was a special behind. I'm not going to lie to you guys. Will you feel different about it if you learn that it's fake? If you feel like she's had some... I will. Yeah. Because I think of her as a special flower

right now. Like a magical type of person. Which is why I said alien, because it seemed natural. Like, an alien is natural. It's just from another world. She felt like she came from another world. She's not a cyborg. Where people are like that.

Yeah. New Jersey. Armenia. Strikingly beautiful with cartoon character butt. Sure. Probably a very tiny waist too. So you're like, what a contrast. I mean, she was, and like I said, she seemed very warm and pleasant to the people she was talking to.

She didn't seem like a weird, you know, there's plenty of people at this party seemed weird is what I'm saying. She wasn't one of them. Some shirtless guys at the pit bulls. There's a couple. Do you think Amber Rose is Russell Simmons' shirtless guy with a pit bull? She like walks around his neighborhood being weird? Yeah, with a pitbull and no shirt on. And a tincture on her butt.

I don't know. We'll see. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, I'm part of this still. Oh, yeah, you're in this.

You're in it to win it. Caleb Bacon, R&P Jam Master Jay. We gave Caleb Bacon the boot. Elmore Leonard. Hey, sponsors on this week's program, first of all, our good friends at Warby Parker Eyewear. It's a new concept in eyewear. They are fashion-forward prescription glasses. They start at $95 including the prescription

lenses. Warby Parker makes buying glasses online easy and risk-free. Their home try-on program order five pairs of glasses shipped directly to your home. Try them on, select your frames, and send them back free with no obligation to purchase. You know what I think's nice? What?

$95? You can have like three different kind of glasses. You can have a brown pair and a black pair and a colored pair, for example. So black is when you're wearing black stuff. Brown is when you're wearing earth tones. Colored is when you want to be outrageous. And they also offer prescription polarized sunglasses for $150. In case you're in the CHP.

For instance. If you go to warbyparker.com slash JJGO, you will get free three-day shipping. That's warbyparker.com slash JJGO. Also, the Pledge Drive is coming up. Yeah. Max Fun Drive. We got some good premiums this year. Can we tease those? I will say, I think some folks in our listening audience may have seen the painting of Jordan and myself as cats by our listener, Megan Lynn Cott.

I'm not going to say that we have commissioned Megan to make paintings of every MaxFun host as a cat and compiled them into an 18-month calendar. them into an 18-month calendar. But... I will say that it's possible, maybe even likely, that we did that, and we also that we did that. And it's amazing. Cagey. You're so cagey. Basically the most amazing...

And that's only one of the amazing things. Tons of amazing stuff. But... You could stop there. That could be enough. Look, this is a once-a-year deal, the Max Fund Drive. So we pull out all the stops. It's going to be amazing.

And the last day of the Max Fund Drive, Jordan and I are going to be doing a live streaming Jordan Jesse Go show. Live stream? Close shit out. Take it home. When's that? I don't remember. I don't either. It all supports tinctures for children.

Yes. It's supports tinctures for children. Yes. It's a very important charity. Brian Fernandez is children super baked. Looking up the date right now. March 28th, he says. March 28th. 28th of March. He pressed the button and I paused for a second to listen to him and then he forgot what he had looked up and had to double check it.

That's a fun moment. But this is going to be a really amazing MaxFunDrive. Everything we do is supported by people like you. So get ready to make a donation. If you care about the show, this is your way to show it. Bonus episodes of all the shows. Tote bags. We already recorded a sweet-ass bonus episode.

Yeah, absolutely, with Rhea Butcher from Wham Bam Pow. It's going to be solid gold. It also doubles as a Back to the Future drinking game, if I remember correctly. So, you will not get that in the regular feed. No, sir. I never understood drinking games. I just like to drink as much as possible based upon whatever was available.

The whole waiting until something happens to drink. I think sometimes that stuff, and I kind of agree with you, Caleb. I kind of just like – To be fair, I had a large alcohol problem. So I'm not suggesting it's a good thing. But that's been my understanding. I mean I think that stuff – and not to do a whole topic during our sponsor segment.

But I think that stuff is like, yeah, it's kind of lame. to do a whole topic during our sponsor segment. But I think that stuff is like, yeah, it's kind of lame. I also just would rather us just sit and drink and shoot the shit. But some people maybe feel like they need permission to drink or permission to have fun. And I think that gets things rolling. It gets things rolling, brings out some of the more introverted people. It's like imagine if you were at a party and everybody's, they have, you know, they have a drink in their hand.

They're having a little bit of Chex Mix. You know, they're having a little kibitzing, whatever, but it's not really fucking on. Yeah. You zip down your zipper, take out your donger, and just start flapping it the fuck around. That's when the party goes wild.

Sounds like J.B. Smoove did that. The idea is you need someone to give permission to the party to enjoy themselves. Sure. All right. I'm in. Great. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio suite. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Caleb Bacon, JJ Go Enthusiast. Hey, when something momentous happens to you, our listeners, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. Let's hear our first momentous occasion now, boys. Hi, Jordan and Jesse and special guest. I had my momentous occasion today, and I am a third grade teacher in a less than desirable area. And for weeks, we have had a phantom pooper running amok in the boys' bathroom and just leaving a pile on the floor.

I'm not sure if it's a message or what to anybody, but he had not been caught. And so strolling down the hallway today, I was walking by, minding my own business, and I made eye contact with a third-grade boy taking a dump on the floor. And first, I can't unsee that, which is a bummer. And second, I think I discovered the phantom pooper.

So I guess I am a hero. I don't know. But our bathrooms are safe now. So, yeah, enjoy your day. A mental occasion. It's hard to call oneself a hero. Sure. Usually the papers do that.

She said it with a question mark at the end. It wasn't confidently a hero. And even the paper's judgment is difficult to go by. I mean, if you look at what the Daily Bugle has to say about Spider-Man, you have to ask yourself a question. I mean, I think she should ask herself the question if she's a hero or a menace. Depends on if we ask that muckraker J. Jonah Jameson. I know. With the desk pounding action?

Yeah, with desk pounding action. I see this in my head. You know, I think we should call HBO. I think we found our sequel to True Detective for our next season. I mean, we have, you know. are you thinking laura linney yeah maybe laura linney and laura dern sure laura's team up and then they yeah i mean we have a we have a killer on the loose uh leaving you know leaving clues leaving artifacts uh leaving a trail by clues artifacts in a trail you're talking about oh. Oh, this is all shit. Poop and a trail of poop.

Yeah, this is shit. It's a variety of shit based upon his diet of the day. Sure. Right, that's true. So yeah, I mean, we have this. And then, you know, obviously you think you found the phantom pooper. Spoilers approaching for true detective. Maybe it's not the guy you originally thought.

Maybe it's not the guy you originally thought. Maybe it's not the guy you originally thought. You're also referencing every law and order. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It might be the guy stocking grocery shelves while you ask him. Could be. Yeah, because you went to his job instead of him coming to the police station. Okay, here's another question.

Sure. By the way, I feel like the momentous occasions have been a little bit of a sausage fest lately. Nice to hear a lady. We always love a lady momentously. But it was about a fella. Yeah, and his poops. That's pretty boy humor. It was.

It was a little masculine. I want to say, we'll try and do something more relationship driven next time. It's like funny situations that we've all been in. It's a relationship between the detective and the killer. Sure. I want to be clear for her that she says that she's found the phantom pooper. I want her to know that that's what she thinks. What she knows is that she's found a phantom pooper.

She's saying this is like a cult. There could be multiple phantom poopoper. She's saying this is like a cult. There could be multiple phantom poopers. It's like this. Look, when I went in to the neurologist for the first time in a number of years, and I said I have regular headaches. You shat on the floor. I told them I have migraines.

They said, we have to put you in a CAT scanner. I said, why? Or an MRI said, oh, to check your brain for tumors. I said, my brain's been checked for tumors. They said, because even if you really had migraines, it could mask the fact that you have brain tumors. So we just have to double check you don't have brain tumors because you could think that the headaches are migraines

when actually they're brain tumor headaches. I'm picturing you with Patch Adams. Yeah, pretty much. This is pretty funny, this description you're giving. What I'm saying is that, sure, she identified this one eight-year-old. But the fact that she identified this one eight-year-old doesn't mean there aren't other eight-year-olds pooping in this bathroom. Yeah, this is kind of specious reasoning. This could be a situation where, I mean, I would check, number number one I would check for hashtags

in the poop on Twitter oh okay because I thought a thing for 8 year olds hashtags in the poop you take a stick like a fine point stick carve out hashtag phantom poop

check your Twitter look for hashtags. This could be, and I'm just throwing this out there, this could be like an improv everywhere situation. This could be a flash mob type of deal. Let's go to

an impoverished school, poop on the floor, and then later we all dance to a Prince song. Pretty much. Yeah. Let's take another call. Hi, I'm calling from an impoverished school.

Jesse, guest, this is Mike. You just framed someone for pooping? I have a momentous occasion. This weekend, my girlfriend and I were at a friend's apartment for a party. Towards the end of the night, one of the guys at the party takes one of the ladies to the party upstairs. Poop. The rest of us keep talking. And then I hear someone come back down the stairs. So I turn around to see who it is.

And I see that it is the guy who went upstairs with the lady. But he is now completely naked and leaning against the doorway with a full-on erection. the doorway with a full on erection. And he just lets us know that if anyone wants to get involved, he and the lady are upstairs. So there you have it guys. This is the, this,

this was huge for me. This is first time I was propositioned to have a fuck fest by a naked man with a boner. Hopefully not the last. All right. Thanks so much guys Hopefully not the last. All right. Thanks so much, guys. Love the show. Bye-bye. What did he do?

I don't want to burst this guy's bubble, but he wasn't specifically propositioning you. Just anyone at this party could go up. I think he was probably, he probably was hoping for ladies. Sure. I mean, it's possible. Yeah. He could have been a bisexual gentleman. Absolutely.

He could have been a straight guy that just thinks being straight's more fun when there's other dudes there. Being straight at you. What fun is a threesome if you can't high five your bro? Sure. But my guess is that this guy was hoping another lady would be there and one would work the shaft while one worked the mall. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's a blue sky scenario. Yeah.

That's what's going on. This guy was upstairs imagineering. Yeah. And that's what he came up with. He said, look, we could use this boner right now or I could run downstairs real quick and just check in with the gang. Sure. There's one Jordan Jesse Goh listener who I know specifically will love this. Maybe that's what he was trying to do.

He's like, I know a way to get mentioned not by name on a podcast. Yeah, I think it's pretty frustrating that he didn't tell us whether he accepted the proposal. I feel like if he didn't accept the proposal, he's definitely never going to have another opportunity that he so desperately wants to have. Sure. And he's just, unless he's married or something, he's just lame. Yeah. Come on, man. Why not? Go to town.

You guys have been in that exact same situation. What did you do? I sucked him off right there. I just went to get some more Chex Mix and talked to J.B. S to town. So when you guys have been in that exact same situation, what did you do? I sucked him off right there. I just went to get some more Chex Mix to talk to J.B. Smooth. He said he was leaning against the wall and he had a massive erection. I'm picturing him using his erection as a crutch. I think it's a 45 degree situation.

Oh, is it going all the way? It's going into the wall? Yeah, propping him up. Like a kickstand. Usually a crutch goes down to the ground. I'm talking about a cock crutch. Wait, like a kickstand? Yeah, like an upwards kickstand. Is he like planking?

With his boner? Don't judge me, guys. I have skills. We're just asking. You have skills, but they're not geometry skills. That's all I'm saying, Caleb. I have a cockpit. It can point in many directions.

That sounds great. That sounds really fun. It does sound fun. Even if you didn't participate, it sounds fun. I would have said, I probably would have said, I don't know that I want to do the fucking, but I'll hang out. I'll Instagram it. Crack a beer. Here's the thing.

Yeah, put it on Instagram. First time out. Put a filter on it. First time out is not necessarily, but you're going to want to continue to run with this crowd. Sure. They sound like they have fun parties. I haven't happened to- What game were they playing?

Were they playing a European game downstairs? Like a Catan? Like a Schmuck Catan. They're like, sorry, we're into German board games down here. Yeah. They're more sophisticated than American board games. Yeah, more balanced rule sets. But it's harder to break the game.

They're for adults, okay? Yeah, sure. You probably still play free parking in Monopoly. Fuck you. I'm out of here. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call if something momentous happens to you. Put it in your phone right now. Take out your phone.

Reach in your pocket. Reach in your bag. From now on, our rule. 206-984-4FUN. If you're somewhere and someone invites people into the room for sex. Put it on speaker. You don't have to fuck, but you have to go hang out. Put it on speaker.

Call 206-984- Crack a beer. For fun. F-U-N. Maybe the mystery pooper might have been up there and he was afraid. He's like, I'd rather play a German board game than be in a German scat porn. And we think, wouldn't we all? Wouldn't we all?

I'd like to have a German ham. Oh, I bet that's nice. They make a really nice ham. Is that where Black Forest ham comes from? Yeah, the Black Forest is in Germany. That's the Black Forest of Germany. Yeah. A Teutonic ham.

Yeah, I'd love a nice Teutonic ham. Or an Alpen ham. Sure. I'd love a Teutonic or an Alpen ham. Either ham. A Loden ham. It's a dark green ham. The Alpine.

Hofbrau ham. Hofbrau ham. There's lots of German hams. A Hassel ham. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. For better or worse. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, my name is Rishikesh Hirway, and I have a podcast called Song Explorer.

In each episode, a musician takes apart one of their songs, and piece by piece tells you the story of how it was made. You get an inside look into the creative and technical process and a unique view of a song by hearing just the drums, or just the guitars, or say, just a Wurlitzer piano. If you're a fan of music, if you make music, or if you just like to learn how things are made, come check it out on MaximumFun.org. Thanks. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Caleb Bacon,ne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Caleb Bacon, Russell Stover's personal assistant. Caleb Bacon, the host of Man School, a program on which actual, genuine, famous people come on and teach you an important lesson about life. Yeah, in a sense, based upon shit they've been through. Yeah, something they've gone through. I went on there and talked about what it's like to live with chronic migraine. You did so very openly and honestly, and it was fantastic.

You know, I'm not afraid. I'm not one of these people who's in the migraine closet. My girlfriend's a school teacher. She listened to your episode, and she is able to better understand a student of hers who has migraines. I'm really happy to hear that. I actually got a tweet on Twitter. I said

on the episode, the reason I do this, the reason I'm doing this is I just hope one person who gets chronic headaches is convinced that they should just go to the doctor because there are treatments available. They're not perfect, but you don't just have to suffer. They made an appointment with their doctor to talk about their chronic headaches. They had just grown up always having them. Their mom always had them. And, you know, sometimes your mom is older and grew up in a time when there was no real medication for them. And there is now. So I was very happy to get to do it. But lots of other people.

Dave Holmes has been on there. Dave Holmes is on there. I saw one of Maz Jobrani did one about what it's like to immigrate to the United States as a young person. Yeah. Max Fund's own Dave Holmes talked about coming out of the closet. Yeah. Hopefully I'm not ruining any surprises. Nope. Not at all. It's a homosexual gentleman. We know that.

We think it's great. Yeah. We're all for it. I'm basically... If Dave Holmes... And I'm not drawing an equivalency here. I'm being hyperbolic. But if Dave Holmes told me he was a murderer, I'd say, oh, what kind? Single or serial? I just love Dave Holmes.

He's the best guy. You'd be like, involuntary manslaughter? Whatever. I'd just give him a hug. Can I get over here? Yeah. The old so-and-so. Up top. That guy's a prince. That guy is a prince.

Let's see. What do we got on this week's program? Of course, we got Caleb Bacon Man School. What are you at? Caleb Bacon on Twitter, probably. At Caleb Eats Bacon. Caleb Eats Bacon. And you're also writing on a television program. Yeah. Sullivan and Son, a multi-camera sitcom on TBS.

The Turner Broadcasting System sounds very funny. Eh, the phrase Turner Broadcasting System does not sound very funny. No, the show, the program sounds very funny. Very funny. TBS. Can we try it? I think we're succeeding. Very funny.

We're succeeding. Very funny. Millions of people watch. We have fun. In between family guys. Big Bang. Millions of people watch. We have fun. In between family, guys. Big Bang theories. There you go. TBS has Big Bang theories on for like 26 hours a day.

It's like how Christmas stories are. They found some sort of dimensional pocket. Well, those nerds at Big Bang figured it out. Oh, sure, yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah. They created a super collider to where they have two floating hours that are in the ether in which they can air Big Bang Theory episodes. And yeah, so check all of that stuff out. Our universe is like an onion. Don't forget that this is the last episode. No, two. We've got two episodes before the MaxFunDrive. MaxFunDrive's coming up. Can I donate now? Yeah.

Go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. And we'll even give you a prize retroactively if you ask for it. Oh, good to know. Don't miss that on the prizes. Tote bag. But if you're one of those people who listens to episodes late or you're behind or whatever, and this is the second half of March, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate because that's how we pay the bills here. What if it's August?

Go to MaximumFund.org slash donate. If you're one of these people that has listened to every episode of our program, you know what you need to do. Probably should donate. What if it's 9-11? Like if they're listening to it in some sort of liminal pocket like I described earlier? 9-11-11 or? You know, the 2014 9-11. The 2014 9-11? Well, I mean, it the 2014 9-11. 2014 9-11?

Well, I mean, it depends. Do you have first responders in your family? I would say that's probably as far as you need to go in 2014. It's not a special anniversary. It's not. Yeah. I mean, if you have. You'd certainly take a day of remembrance.

Well, take some contemplative time during the day. You don't have to take the whole day to remember. That's my feeling. Sometimes, yeah. 13 years later? Yeah, sure. If it's 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, 25 years, then maybe take the day. If you're in

New York, maybe take the day, head over, see some interpretive exhibits. Do a tweet up at the Freedom Tower. But I'm just saying 2014, 9-11, take a second to call your uncle who's a paramedic. Say thank you for being a first responder. Sorry about that cough.

Well, I don't know if your uncle was a paramedic at ground zero. Oh, I just assumed all uncles who are paramedics were. Send in the uncles. How do uncles work? Can I tell you something? It's hard to say. My uncle was a first responder at the Pentagon. Wow.

My aunt and uncle. Anyway, that's a funny story. Sure. The moral of the story is donate. Yeah. Donate, MaximumFun.org slash donate. Brian Fernandez on the boards. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records.

Thanks, everybody, who's been posting on the forum. Lots of hot discussion on the boards our theme music Love You by The Free Design courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records thanks everybody who's been posting on the forum lots of hot discussion on the forum and lots of fun on the subreddit search for MaxFunSubreddit

and you'll find it lots of you know good Jordan Jesse Go related crap absolutely fun stuff we'll talk to you next week

on Jordan Jesse Go MaximumFun.org comedy and culture artist owned and Jesse Go.