Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 316: Dress Python with Rachel Bloom

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Comedian and musician Rachel Bloom joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of terrifying children's movies, dressing for weddings and Jordan's social media cutback.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Great to see you, Jordan. You too, buddy. Thank you. It's been a while.

Yeah, it's been, what, two days since we last heard Jordan? A day and a half. Oh, man, you know, the miracle of technology allows us to record these programs ahead of time. And I don't think the audience knows that we're pulling the wool over their eyes. Yeah. They do now. They just got to look behind the curtain at the great and terrible Oz. That's him, the great and terrible Oz.

Is that the book? Who cruelly granted the scarecrow a brain. Let's introduce. Who crammed some courage up the lion's ass, even though he didn't want it there. Our guest, by the way, is the very funny, very talented musician Rachel Bloom. Hi, Rachel. How are you? Hi.

I'm great. You're familiar with one of the later Oz books, such as The Great and Terrible Oz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see. You covered Courage Up the Ass. Right. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's the one where he just shoves a heart up his pee-pee hole. Yeah, sure. Urethra. The Tin Man's urethra.

I call it a pee-pee hole. Sure. That's when Frank L. Baum was drinking away all of his money and just needed to churn that stuff out. Yeah. I was at an old town San Diego. I guess that's where Frank L. Baum. L. Frank Baum. L. Frank Baum. Excuse me.

I only know that because Elphaba in Wicked is her name's Elphaba because of L. Frank Baum. Hey, fucking leave the nerd shit at the door, man. Sorry. Come on. This is a cool podcast. This show isn't about finding yourself and becoming empowered. And some stuff that might be about the Bush administration. Anyway, I saw Wicked.

Very veiled. A little veiled. Yeah. And I guess so. So I guess L. Frank Baum holed up somewhere in Old Town, San Diego. It's kind of like a, you know, Adobe-themed tourist trap. Where did L. Frank Baum hole up? At the – like the Applebee's?

Yeah, something like that. I don't know. Yeah, something like that. I don't know. I didn't learn a lot about it, but there was some little store that was like the L. Frank Baum Memorial Store where you could get all this Oz stuff. But then it had all of his other books that he had written. Well, he wrote like 40 Oz books, didn't he? Yeah. But then these other ones like, you know, The Girl Aviator and Her Chum.

One was honestly called The Girl Aviator and Her Chum. So there was just all the – I mean it's like – That's about a lady aviator and her chum so there was just all the i mean it's like about a lady aviator who works to attract sharks and then she falls in love with the uh bucket of fish slurry right um so yeah and then but i mean it's like when you see like you know all the books l ron hubbard wrote it's just like you, you know, Dash Dixon, Adventurer of the Amazon. So there was just, I mean, there were hundreds of these things. Well, I think there was a time in America when you just went to the bookstore and said, I don't know, give me some books. Yeah.

Like if you were literate, you were barely literate and you just wanted something with the implication of sex. Yeah. You just, you didn't have any other form of entertainment. So you just read. I'll tell you that Return to Oz, the 1980s sequel, sequel, right? Prequel. Prequel?

Yeah. Trilogy. Yeah. About Dorothy and her friends. Gave me nightmares. I know it's cliche to say such, but it friends gave me nightmares. I know it's cliche to say such, but it really fucked me up. Yeah.

Like for years afterwards, after watching that movie as a five-year-old, or I don't know how old I was when that movie came out, I had fucking nightmares about these things in that movie that were block squares

and had little tank treads and went around like, it fucked me up. Like even right now, as I describe these memories that I barely have, people are right now are composing emails to me about what those things are called and the whole story of return to Oz and the sending me links to their

Feruza bulk fan fiction. But in my mind, it's just this vague feeling of terror that is literally welling up inside me right now as I talk about the fact that I saw that movie as a kid. Well, I mean, I think that belongs to a genre of movie that was popular when we were kids but maybe is not around anymore. Was, you know, popular when we were kids but maybe is not around anymore. The like the harrowing live action child's fantasy. Mine was Never Ending Story.

That movie really scared me. Really? Yeah, totally. Yeah. The nothing. That was like my favorite movie. You're not scared at all by that? No, I wasn't scared at all by anything else I saw.

My mom took me to see the Milagro Beanfield War when I was like seven. I went to see a lot of weird movies. But the movie that- But Return to Oz. Return to Oz because of those blockhead guys. Rachel, what about you? Scariest movies as a kid? Well, I was about to say, I saw Labyrinth and there's this scene with these pink lizard monkey creatures.

Do you guys remember this scene in Labyrinth? And they come out? And they like, they come out, they're like, and I want to say they sing a song or they just shriek in, in rhythm. And, and the thing,

and so the thing is the rhythmic shriek, they're friends with David Bowie, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're,

everyone's friends with David Bowie in the world. God, I wish I was friends with David Bowie. I know. You know, he's fucking those lizard creatures. Well, he doesn't care if they're men or women.

You know that I'm public radio host, Jesse Thorne and not supermodel Iman. You know he's fucking those lizard creatures. He doesn't care if they're men or women. You know that I'm public radio host Jesse Thorne and not supermodel Iman. Oh, goodbye. Bye, Rachel. Jesse, don't tell them that until the end of the show. I lie to people to get them to come. Just because I look like Iman doesn't mean you should tell people I'm Iman. Well, how are we going to get guests? You're taking advantage of my statuesque beauty and my glistening ebony skin.

I'm sorry. I know that you're not really, I know that you're not Iman. You knew that the whole time? I know that you're Giselle. It's true. I am Giselle. That's why I'm doing this. Why are you shushing, Ms. Boomchin?

No reason. Just thinking of my husband, a football man. Anyway, this is what my voice probably sounds like. Crumpet stoppins. More cocaine, please. Is she British? I have no idea. I know nothing about her.

No, me too. Her name is Boomchin. She can't possibly be a Briton. No. I was just making a choice. She's got to be Austrian. I was just making a strong choice. Strong, strong, big choice. Yeah. That's what they say when you go into an audition situation. Just make a choice. Okay,

so Rachel, you saw Labyrinth as a kid and it fucked you up. Well, what I was about to say before the supermodels cut in was that we watched, I watched labyrinth then like last year and that same scene messed with me i was like oh you know when you just like i mean it's like what you just had like the memory recall but when you see a scene from a movie that scared you

it kind of doesn't scare you any less because suddenly you feel like you're a child again it's like memories you have that you haven't thought of since the day that the thing happened. It kind of just affects you all over again and I was really freaked out. I was like, I still, I had a weird, when I was a little kid, I used to, there was a flamingo monster that I created in my mind.

It was like a flamingo monster. Was this based on a flamingo that you saw? I don't. Was it a flamingo monster or a flamenco monster? That would have been amazing. No, it was a flamingo monster that I would have nightmares about. And I think. Can you describe the monster?

Yeah, I remember. This is so weird. Okay, even like saying his name actually really freaks me out. He had a name? Yeah. And I don't know where the fuck I got it. His name was Rae Song? I don't know.

That sounds like a Chinese man's name. I was going to say the one name of like an R&B star. Rae Song. No, no. Okay, it wasn't like Rae Song. Like Rae Don Chong? His name was like Rae Song. It was like one word.

Was he a Pokemon? No, he wasn't. He was a giant flamingo in a tuxedo. Yes, he was a Pokemon. Is that a Pokemon? I don't know. Seems like it's probably a Pokemon. I think Pokemon are nude.

They don't wear tuxedos. Are you sure? Yeah, I don't think they wear tuxedos. Well, when they go to weddings. When they go to polka weddings. Yeah, what about on New Year's Eve? No, on, yeah. If they're going somewhere Eve? No, yeah. If they've got, like if they're going

somewhere nice. Sure. Anyway. Somewhere with a prefix menu. I think the Pokemon would be the type of people who like show up

to a black tie wedding and they're just wearing a suit and you're like, I can't say anything because they're Pokemon. Like I'm not going to like be that guy but it said like,

it said like, it didn't say like. It said black tie optional but everyone knows what that means. Everyone knows what that means which is it's not optional at all yeah it means it's an option if you're an asshole right like if you're the kind of dick who's going to show up to a black tie optional event not in black tie then yeah i guess that's your option that's what the tone it should say Look, it's black tie optional.

I hear that occasionally Pokemon will show up in jeans and a sport coat. That's the kind of shit that I can catch. It's so airy. So, yeah. That's why we got to catch them all. It's like Pikachu, I choose you to leave my wedding. I choose you to wait in the parking lot. I choose you to have fun. That's why I only invite Digimon to my wedding.

Digimons have a certain class that Pokemons lack. A kind of classic sense of style. My fiancé who you've had on the show, Dan Greger, wore – this is years ago – wore sandals to a Jewish – to a wedding in Long Island and literally got himself blacklisted from Jewish weddings on Long Island for like six years. That's the main social event in Long Island is Jewish weddings. It's the only social event. Did he get the call go out on the phone tree? I don't know. I guess we're going to wrap up.

Gregor's out. We got around really quickly that he wore sandals to a wedding. And I don't know why he got. It's like when that racquetball team or whatever wore sandals to the White House. Remember that? No. No. No. Yeah, these ladies' sports team.

Oh, boy. I'm going to say racquetball team because I don't remember what kind of team they were. They were the champions. Seems like a nice feminine sport, racquetball. They were the badminton champions or what have you. Yeah. I don't know. Broad's doing sports all the same.

Good fundamentals. Bouncy, bouncy. Learn to dunk, ladies. Sorry. So they went, ladies. Sorry. So they went to the White House. I think that was the sport. It's bouncy, bouncy. Bouncy, bouncy.

Two of them were wearing flip-flops. Oh, boy. But they're sports people. Do you think sports people are accepted? Yeah. I think if you're a sports person, like if Gregor was in the NBA and he come in like his jersey and his shorts, I think they would have been fine with that. Do you think like a Derrick Rose or an NBA superstar goes to formal events in his jersey? Is it like being in the military?

I think it kind of is. I think a sport coat over that jersey. Do you think they have a dress jersey like the Marines do? With a little lace on it. One's for combat slash games. One's for dress. Well, actually, I mean. Like a shooting guard's ball.

I mean, I have a little bit of experience with this. At my wedding, the one that didn't last. The wedding didn't last? The marriage didn't last. Okay, all right. The wedding was beautiful. The wedding lasted. The wedding lasted about the standard amount of time a wedding should.

The wedding went a little long. It was a little bit long. I'm going to tell you the truth. I would have cut a couple of the songs from the ceremony. But I understand you have cousins. Songs from the ceremony? You have cousins who want to sing. Sure.

Ceremony or reception? Ceremony. There were a lot of songs. Cousins want to sing in the ceremony. My point was we invited a crazy love. How manyins want to sing in the ceremony. My point was, we invited, you know... Crazy love by Van Morrison. How many songs did you have in your ceremony? The man who set us up was pro-wrestler Jake the Snake Roberts.

Sure. So he was a guest at our wedding. Sure. And he brought his python. Right. And it was just expected that he would... That's his uniform. Uh-huh. Right. I mean, it was his formal python. Right. His dress python. Right. But he brought it.

I think that's precedent. I only bring formally attired wrestlers to weddings. If I'm going to bring a wrestler or invite a wrestler to any formal event. Anyone whose theme is tuxedos? Yeah, the million dollar man. Oh, sure. Yeah. You know, that's a guy who's always dressed appropriately for the situation whether it's wrestling in the ring or you know going to uh a celebration of two people's love

a celebration and affirmation sure of two people's love um back to the to the topic of terrifying live-action children's movies yes i think it was yeah something that we all got but that just isn't around anymore right but children probably go see the hunger games and then they're terrified by that oh yeah maybe that's it maybe the maybe the terrifying live action movies that kids are going to see are the ones that like adult nerds are also going to see like maybe like avengers scared kids like maybe that's the one that well how many children do you think, now granted, I've talked about this before, but there's something about the movie theater

near my house brings children to all showings of all films. However, that having been said, I saw huge lines of very young children waiting to see those Batman Dark Knight movies. Oh, sure. Which were a little upsetting to me. I was like, this is a little too bleak.

Yeah. But, you know, in thinking about the type of movies we're talking about, because I'll rewatch these movies now and be like, that's terrifying. There's almost nightmarish randomness in them that you don't see anymore. Like when you think about Labyrinth, which is – Henson was so imaginative. There's just like these random crazy-looking creatures. I mean same with all these like – what were you saying? Like boxes on wheels, right? You don't have that kind of nightmarish randomness anymore. You don't have creativity anymore. Yeah. I mean if you're seeing like the avengers like you're just doing a

slightly shinier version of something that's been in comic books for 50 years and it's kind of predictable right like there's nothing that's really imaginatively horrifying so i think it's even the hunger games and anyone who sees the hunger games if you're a kid has probably already read the hunger games and you know you're less likely to get nightmares from a book than you are from a movie because of our imagination. No, when I was a kid, I read a book called Mein Kampf. And stay with me here. Nightmares for...

But the movie, kind of fun. Yeah, the movie was fun. The movie's fun. Yeah. Well, they got Eddie Murphy for it. Yeah, he plays all the characters. He plays fat Hitler. But seriously, I love anything Riefenstahl.

Am I right, guys? Oh, yeah. Anything that guy does. We're having fun. I've heard Mein Kampf is actually really terribly written. I'm sure it is. It's bad. Apparently, it's like a really – my friend who's German was saying that it was the where like it was the fashionable thing to be like, oh, I've read Mein Kampf.

Yeah, it's wonderful. But like no one read it because it was just a really boring book. It was just bad. It was badly written. When you say it was the fashionable thing, you mean at the time when the Nazis – Among Nazis. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

Not just among your friend and his buddies. No, no, no. It's like often – yeah, when we were in Germany, we used to read, like in university days, we would hang out, you know, cafe culture. We have book club.

Yeah. I mean, you'll read the first 50 pages. No one finish. It's okay. We just eat Trader Joe's hummus. Really, it's all about the vine, you know. The vine and the rice ball. Nazi book club.

That's the premise of that. Oh, God. I wish we were talking about something else so I could go to a break. Let's change tones slightly and talk about some other topic even briefly. Oh, how about this? So that I don't emphasize Nazi book club. Let me ask you this. Has Simon, Jesse's young son Simon, has he been scared by anything?

Has he been bothered by a film or a show or something? He and I went to our first movie the other day. Went to see the hit film Frozen. Sure. I went to see the hit film Frozen. Sure. I went to see this. I chose this one out of all of the movies because it had

Kristen Bell in it and I was interviewing Kristen Bell for Bullseye so I thought, great, I'll... Can write it off. Yeah. Well, at the very least

I will not be an adult man sitting by himself in Frozen in a neighborhood movie theater playing Frozen. So we made it through about 60%. He definitely – he's still at an age where his grasp of narrative is weak enough that I don't think he could pick up enough context to be frightened by something. He understands that different characters

have different names and that things are happening on the screen. If he watches something a lot of times, he can sort of figure out the basics of what's happening. You know, he understands that Pooh Bear wants honey. Sure.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, that's one of the five plots, right? Yeah. There's five plots in one of the five plots, right? Yeah. There's five plots in all of literature. Man versus nature. Bear versus want of honey. Yeah. I took literature classes in college.

I know this stuff. But he hasn't quite made it to the point in his life where I think he could identify something crazy as or something scary as being scary. OK. But I'm worried about it because children are capricious about what they find scary. I don't think it's consistent. When I talk to people with parents or parents with kids who are slightly older than my kid, you know, like, say, our friend Biz from One Bad Mother, you know, her daughter is like four and a half and is terrified by some

things but completely unbothered by other things and it's there's no way to know which one is going to be which yeah i remember when i was a kid i was terrified of cactus cacti cactuses i actually i remember the fear i would have around a cactus. I would literally cry. There was a street in my hometown where a ton of cacti were and I wouldn't walk down it. We should mention your hometown was Yuma, Arizona. It's a shut-in. And I was afraid of men with mustaches, men with facial hair. And I remember the reason being that like—

But a cactus with a mustache. Hilarious. It was great. Yeah. It was a cactus with a mustache hilarious it was great it was a muppet it would have been fun to have a mustache cactus but I remember the reason I kind of remember the reason being like there wasn't a reason there was a creepiness

to especially men with like I remember there was this guy with like would have been hipstery but for him it was just like a barbershop like curly mustache creepiness to um like especially men with like i remember there's this guy with like like almost like a would have been hipstery but for him it was just like a barber shop like curly curly mustache and it just scared it scared me like scared the shit out of me and it was like 1900 1910 so it wasn't a hipster thing yeah yeah i'm 96 um and i i just i remember the feeling of terror that it was just something I couldn't name because you're like so – you're kind of like half conscious when you're that age and it's like almost like everything is a dream. And so it just – I remember whenever I'd see that, it almost remember, oh, yeah, when you're a little kid, you don't really understand what's going on around you exactly.

And so you just kind of go through it based on a sort of trust in the feeling that's inside you at that moment. You know what I mean? Like if you have a positive feeling, it seems like everything's going fine. You just go forward. If you get a negative feeling, you're not sure what it's about. You just flip the fuck out. Yeah. Right?

Is there anything scary? What's the scariest thing that happens in Frozen? Well, I didn't see all of Frozen. We only made it about 60% of the way through Frozen. And then he was like, I got to peace out? I mean, there's- I got somewhere to be. There was no bad guy in the part that I saw.

There literally was no bad guy. There was a- I didn't like some of the mountains or climbing up mountains. I didn't like that because I'm afraid of heights. Sure. Oh, okay. I don't like anything in a movie that- Wait, wait.

Jesse, did you get too scared and have to leave? Well, I- No. Well, I didn't have to leave. Can you just close your eyes? Simon was upset that I peed my pants. Oh. He asked me to leave. Because you told him, I can wear my big boy pants to the movie. Yeah.

I'm not a baby. I'm not a baby. You don't need your didee. I don't need some didee on my- You can wear your big boy pants. I don't need to cover my wee- don't need your didee. I don't need some didee on my. You can wear your big boy pants. I don't need to cover my wee-wee with a didee to go see a movie. You know, to go see the great, I was going to say Kristen Chenoweth. What's the woman called?

Kristen Bell? No, the woman who won the Oscar or who sang the Oscar song. Adara Mendor is what John Travolta called her. Oh, yeah. He did have like a little stroke while he was trying to say her name. He literally said like Adana Mender or something terrible. Keep John Travolta out of the Oscars. Get him out of there.

That guy's wrapped up. Wrap it up. Yeah, he's got a giant face made of clay. Yeah, his face, man. Very weird face. I'm going to have nightmares about that face. Yeah. He's got a giant face made of clay. Yeah, his face, man. Very weird face. I'm going to have nightmares about that face. Yeah, right? If I were a little kid and I saw the Oscars, I would have John Travolta face nightmares.

Yeah, definitely don't show Simon any late period John Travolta movies. Okay, good. The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 remake. Punisher with Thomas Jane. Wait, what does he play in that? He's like the bad guy in that. Wow. What's that bad guy in the Punisher called?

War Horse or something? Oh, I don't know a lot of Punisher bad guys. It's like Kingpin. Horse with a gun? Yeah, Gun Horse. Punisher bad guys are just like mobsters. They're boring. Yeah.

Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Next week is the start of the Max Fund Drive. We do this once a year. It's how we support this program and all of the shows at MaximumFund.org. It's how we pay our bills, pay ourselves, pay our rent, pay our mortgages.

Jordan, you recently bought a home. Yes, I'm a homeowner. You have a mortgage on that houseboat you bought in northern Oregon, right? Oh, yeah. I got to get off the grid sometimes, you know? Away from the federal government's prying eyes. I absolutely understand. Uncle Sam is up your rear. Yeah. Get out of there. That's for the wife only.

And our friend Jake the Snake Roberts, when he chooses to join us in our lovemaking. The last two weeks of the month of March are the Max Fun Drive. Join us at the end for a live Jordan and Jesse Go streaming, recording, and on the podcast for two weeks with special guests and special good times. And of course, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate to support us. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, and Rachel Bloom I looked at Rachel Bloom

forgetting that I had told her to not told her to introduce herself and I gave her this meaningful look like okay now it's your turn to introduce yourself and she just smiled nodded and winked at me we were all looking at each other in that moment like we all kind of looked around

like in an 80s movie when a babe in a convertible drives by. We were all like, yeah, uh-huh. Check her out. Major blonde, major car. Do blondes, do babes still drive convertibles? I don't know. I haven't really noticed.

I haven't seen any babes in convertibles, I feel like. I live in Hollywood. Ground zero't seen any babes in convertibles, I feel like. I live in Hollywood. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ground zero for convertible babes. Yeah. I think because the rise, you could correlate the rise of babe cancer with the rise of babe convertibles.

So babes looked at the journals and they figured it out. But remember, correlation is not causality. You're right. It isn't. Could be purely coincidental. Well, I mean, if you're— Believe me, this was a big debate among the babe message boards in the community for a while. I can understand that. Well, babes get really into methodologies.

I mean, at the end of the day, if you don't have a good control group, babes are going to be on you. You know what it actually ended up being was—you know, what actually caused all that babe cancer was the soap from the car washes. And they weren't properly covered. They were all in bikinis. Right. So it got all over them. Soap on skin. Which also led to bitch cancer later because the bitches were always sitting on cars and they were inhaling all that car exhaust sitting on the hoods of cars

dancing. I mean, it's tough out there for women. It is. Yeah. Women in Hollywood especially. Absolutely. I think that's a lesson. It's tough to be a woman in Hollywood, especially when you're getting older.

Yeah. Sure. Because you could get babe cancer. Yeah. That's what babe cancer. What's going on with you, pal? Well, I made a little

move towards self-care the other day that I maybe wanted to bring up on the show, see if I could get some other opinions. Can I guess what it is? You can. Is it an unguent? It's an ointment. You're close. You're close. You're close.

Yeah. You kind of – yeah. I did something. I kind of realized – I kind of realized that I – and I know this is like a super cliche observation. But I realized I was looking at my phone too much and I was starting to feel like a weird dick. Getting like – and I think everybody has heard of the kind of phenomenon where when you get an email or you get an at on Twitter, it sends a little dopamine nugget up to your brain and it simulates achievement or something like that. And that was totally happening and I was definitely like – I felt like doing too much of – I was looking for that nugget a little bit too much and something that – the opposite was kind of happening. When I didn't have an email or an at or something like that, I feel like I – a one of my dopamine nuggets and I felt like – I just definitely feel like I was getting more bummed out by social networking stuff than I should have and getting like – I mean I don't mean to interject here.

Sure. Please, please. Did you think about creating an at bot? Oh, that would just send me ats about dick pills? just send me ats about dick pills? Or, alternately, you know, look, we pay our producer, Brian Fernandez, to work on this show. I mean, Brian loves working on this show. It's a great opportunity for him. And he, I mean, he works in Hollywood.

He doesn't need to do this. But, yeah. He does it. It's a passion project for him. But, you know, we pay him a fair wage. Sure. But, what if you kicked him him a fair wage. Sure. What if you kicked him an extra 20 bucks and just said... At me every 40 seconds.

Yeah, just every 40 seconds, just a quick at, just to check in. Hey, Jordan, you look great. Hey, saw your profile. Let's hang out on cam. Yeah, exactly. That would be nice. I don't get invited to hang out on cam as much as I'd like. I know.

I would love to hang out on cam more. I want to get invited to more board game get invited to hang out on cam as much as I'd like. I know. I would love to hang out on cam more. I want to get invited to more board game nights and to hang out on cam. Sure. Bar trivia too. Bar trivia. I'm uncomfortable doing board games because I'm too competitive and then I hate myself. Sure. So I'm focusing on hanging out on cam.

Yeah. I mean, that's good. Oh, you want to follow up Nazi Book Club with Nazi Board Game Night? Okay. No, sorry. We don't have to. Do you have one? I was going to say something, but then I realized it was so horrible.

Instead of the game of life. It got way too dark. All of the monopoly is too real. It's about too real of things. Sure. And then when you put it with Nazi stuff, it gets sad instead of funny. How about this? I think I got one we can all enjoy.

Sure. For now, we can't play mousetrap because you need all the pieces and I cannot find the little man. That's just fun. That one's just fun. He just lost one of his mousetrap pieces. He didn't get disappeared. No, he was not put on a train.

My mind immediately went to controlling the railroads. And then I got really sad inside my head. And it really upset me. Anyway, and I always feel like back to my social networking problem, I always felt like I was a guy who did a pretty good idea with being like, of being like happy for what I had and like not feeling like jealous. But I totally started feeling jealous of everybody's shit.

All of their. What are their ads? Their ads. Their. Followers. Their followers. Their banter with other people who I wanted to banter with. Oh, my God.

That makes me feel really self-conscious, too, when I see other people bantering with other people who are being on Twitter. I'm like, well, I've met them before. Why am I not talking to them? I guess I don't have friends. Yeah. Instagrams of brunch, Instagrams of Game of Thrones parties that I was not invited to. People have Game of Thrones parties? Yeah, people are having them. And you know who they're not inviting?

Us. Us. I've never even heard of a Game of Thrones party. Yeah, they have it. They all watch it. They have drinks. They're probably themed drinks that they Instagram. Oh, man. So yeah, I was just getting super fucking bummed out about that stuff when I was usually a guy who can handle that, I felt like. Red Wedding Punch.

Red Wedding. Oh, that's good. Thank you. That's very good. That was fair. It's just, yeah. I give it a B-. It's just Hawaiian Punch and vodka.

Yeah. And murder. And murder. Betrayal. Yeah. A little dash of murder. It's Hawaiian Punch, vodka, and betrayal. Betrayal. Yeah, a little dash of murder. The toy and punch, vodka and betrayal. Oh, God.

Now I'm just going to be trying to think of Game of Thrones themed cocktails for like ever now. It'll be a more popular run than Nazi board game. Wait, what's the stuff that they throw when they're protecting the thing and then they have it's called like Firestorm or something? Oh, Dragonfire. Dragonfire? I think so, right? I thought it's called Dragonfire? I think it's called Dragonfire. Does that sound I think so, right? I thought it was called Dragonfire? I think it's called Dragonfire.

Does that sound right to you, Rachel? Dragonfire? Wait, that they're protecting from what? Collectively, just now, we have an audience of- We've caused- Oh, are you talking about the green stuff? 30,000 aneurysms. Yeah, yeah.

That they win Blackwater? It's called- Is it called- No, it's not called Dragonfire. I know that's kind of an obvious- It sounds too obvious, right? No, no, no. It's called like green- Isn't it called Greenfire? No, it's called- Is it called – no, it's not called Dragon. I know that's kind of an obvious – it sounds too obvious, right? It's called like green – isn't it called Greenfire?

No, it's called – Is it called Bug Juice? No, that's what you drink at camp. Okay. Brian, we need some help here. We definitely need a Google here because I can't – For fuck's sake, Fernandez. We can't field all of these Game of Thrones corrections.

No one has heard this episode yet and already my mailbox is full of incorrections. People, I think nerds have a kind of a shy. Oh, Wildfire. Wildfire. It's called Wildfire. Dragonfire is not that off. No, it's not that off. That's not that less dumb.

Brian's voice on our talk back just really upset Rachel Bloom. Don't correct me. I almost had it. One more second me. I almost had it. One more second and I would have had it. We got it. We can pretend like we thought it. Anyway. I'm really upset that I can't think of a single Game of Thrones cocktail pun right now.

It's going to be fine. We'll edit it in. Think of it in 20 minutes and then we'll edit it in like we were all just coming up with it off the top of our heads. We need to put in an edit point, though. Yeah. I bet Rachel's got a great one. Okay, now just feel free to think of it.

I said it. Right? So obvious. But she's a quick one. But so good. The booze plus the Game of Thrones reference. Anyway, so I can understand that. I understand that jealousy too.

Yeah. Especially because – especially the publicness of Twitter makes you feel bad sometimes. Sure. Because you're like, ah, those people are friends. They're more friends than I'm friends with them. Yeah. I'm supposed – I'm trying to'm friends with them. Yeah. I'm supposed, I'm trying to be friends with them.

Oh yeah. Or it's sort of like, you're like, I'm real friends with this person. I don't think this person is actually friends with this other person, but they're bantering with them on Twitter, which means they're more desirable than I am. I don't know.

I was really starting to like, to like assign worth points to myself for all my fucking Twitter shit. I feel that, especially when it's like people who are my age who are talking to comedians i respect 90 who are like maybe who are 90 people who are like 90 year olds you know fellow uh nonagenarians like myself but you're like oh i guess like all of the young cool comedy people are hanging out together somewhere and they're like hey let's tweet

at each other later and I'm not getting invited to those places where all of the young comedy people seem to be like hanging out

and going to Game of Thrones brunches I know you only get invited to like the Friars Club roasts

yeah Sid Caesar my bro Sid Caesar, man. May he rest in peace. Yeah. May he rest in peace. One for me and one for my homie. But the man had a huge dick.

Anyway, I was going to go into my Sid Caesar big dick routine. Does he have a big dick? I don't know. No, no, no. That's Milton Berle. Milton Berle had a big dick, yeah. How big was Sid Caesar's dick? Do you think Milton Berle knew that his legacy would be that he had a big dick?

Like at this point, people don't really remember anything about him or his work. But they do remember that he was famous for having a big dick. Only enough to win. Yeah. Sure. I don't know. I mean, if you have to have a legacy, most of us won't have a legacy. That's a good point.

Most of us will die anonymous. No. Lost to the ages. So much worm food. Our tombstones will blow away in the wind because they're only made of paper because we couldn't afford granite tombstones. Oh, interesting. And then we will be lost to the ages.

Couldn't even afford a tether for our tombstone. It's just a piece of paper placed atop our tomb. Sure. And somebody wrote on the piece of paper, some jerk. And it just blows away. They wrote it with highlighter. Yeah. They couldn't find a pen, so they just used a highlighter.

Whatever. Whatever. And this is definitely a showbiz phenomenon, but people putting up the deadline article when they get something. Sure. Deadline is kind of the, you know, breaking news Hollywood site. And every time someone books something or gets a writing job, they put up the deadline article. I was getting bummed about people's deadline articles. Because you didn't have any deadline articles.

I didn't have a single fucking deadline article. Deadline's never written anything about Jordan, Jesse, go. No, they should. I know. I mean, when they're doing a, I mean, they're doing weekend box office. know when i mean when they're doing a i mean they're doing weekend box office right i mean we got a do you know uh they're doing we're opening pretty pretty strong in narrow release sure exactly could we go wide could we appeal to fat people that's what going wide means oh appealing fat people yeah but i was getting super bummed at that stuff. So I took everything off my phone.

I took off. I didn't like, you know, bail from Facebook and I didn't erase anything, but I took it all off my phone. What are we talking about? What did you take off your phone? Oh, like the apps. Yes. So, yeah, I got rid of AOL Instant Messenger. I hit AOL Instant Messenger.

ICQ. Whole Foods Recipe Suggester. Right. Fucking bumming me out. Yes. So, yeah, I had – I got rid of – AOL Instant Messenger. I ate AOL Instant Messenger. ICQ. Mm-hmm. Whole Foods Recipe Suggester. Right. Fucking bumming me out. I can't afford shallots. Yeah. Got to settle for brown onions.

Yeah. Oh, boy. So I took off. I was – guys, I was even getting bummed out. Tumblr was bumming me out. That's how like – that's how hard i was taking this like people but you weren't getting you weren't getting heart points no not getting heart points all people want to do is reblog pictures of how cute adam scott looks and

whatever little adam scott thing he's wearing and no one's talking about how funny jordan is he is really cute when he was wearing that tiny tux the other day. Remember that? I remember that. That was really cute. Were you saying something, Jordan? Yeah. No. If you wanted to talk about how he can pull off pastels, you want to talk about that? His everyman quality? Yeah, that sounds great.

Now he's such a... I like him because he's talented and good looking. I also, I feel like he's... You know, like I could fuck him. Yeah. Yeah. Like he'd let, like, oh, like that he's like, he's not like, he's not like hot enough to where you're like, well, I can never fuck that guy.

Like you feel like he would let you. He's not crazy hot. Right. Like he's just hot enough. You know, people can fuck me. I'm available to be fucked. I'm on Tumblr. How would you look in a tiny tux, though?

Not that good. It wouldn't fit. I would look like a sausage, tuxedo sausage. Do you have a cute little sort of scrunchie face? Oh, gee, me? Type face? Yeah. Am I?

Am I supposed to be here? Oh, hi. Yeah. Anyway. That is great. So, yeah. If anyone out there thinks I supposed to be here? Oh, hi. Hmm. Yeah. Anyway. Adam Scott is great. So, yeah. If anyone out there thinks I'm bad.

No, no, no. Adam Scott is terrific. I think he's the man that fucking hits a home run in everything he does. Let's make it clear. I'm just jealous because women think he's more attractive and talented than I am. Just because he is. Which he is. Which is true.

Yes. But I'm mad about it. More attractive and talented than either of us. Sure. Santa Cruz's favorite son. Oh, yeah? Yeah. No.

Yeah. He's the hero of the place that is our origin story. Well, no. I hate him more. Anyways, I love him. Adam Scott, you're great. One time his mom sent me an email. Oh, that's fun.

Really? Yeah. About what? True story about him. Sent you personally an email? Yeah. Sent me a personal email. Sorry, Jordan.

We'll get back to you in a second we're trying to talk about Adam no I know I understand so yeah like even that even that like total like why wouldn't you reblog a picture of Adam Scott you should he's great he's adorable and if you're a girl I absolutely understand uh why you want to do it or a gay gentleman or a gay gentleman excuse me um but yeah like even like it was I was getting so sensitive about that stuff that even that totally obvious stuff that you shouldn't be bothered by was like really bumming me out. So I got it, got rid of it, got it all off my phone. What about email?

I still have email on my phone. No, but I get exactly what you're saying because I have that addictive. I mean, it's become like whenever I tweet now, like no matter where I am, I have to be refreshing my at page. Sure. And it's almost like in my head, I'm like, well, this is an emergency. Like I normally wouldn't be checking my phone in the car, but like I just tweeted something. So like I have to see what my ads are like. That would be insane to not check my phone.

It's irresponsible. Yeah, exactly. The only thing protecting me right now is that the website, the website favestar.fm stopped updating in real time. Oh, yeah. And so when it stopped updating in real time, I stopped being able to just click refresh on it over and over and over to see how many star points.

Oh, I get mad when there's a discrepancy between favestar and the amount of stars that I have. Well, that's because it's favestar fucking stopped working. How are we supposed to be obsessed with ourselves if there aren't apps to help us? What am I supposed to think of someone else or something else in the world or use my imagination? So what are we talking about? Tumblr, Facebook?

Got rid of Tumblr. Got rid of Facebook. Got rid of Twitter. You kept them on your – you have a home computer? I have a home computer. You keep them on there? They're on there. And you feel good just like going home once a day and then just checking one computer?

You know what? And yeah, so you know what that made them is it made it like when we were kids and you got to go home and check the answering machine. Oh, uh-huh. Which was like the funnest thing in the world. Maybe somebody called and if there's one bing bong flashing, like that's exciting. flashing like that's exciting so you know i get to i feel like i get to come home to you know three ads and 10 star points and one facebook world notification wait you're only getting 10 star points in an entire day i'm not getting i'm getting no wonder you're getting more than i know

right oh boy no don't No, don't even check. Don't even check to see how many star points Adam Scott's getting. It'll just bum me out. But, yeah, so I think – and that really, like, allowed me to, like, consider it a fun treat and not this, like, thing that I needed to not be bummed out. What do you feel like when you are not checking it? I don't know. I mean, I definitely, definitely like developed nervous phone hand. But yeah, I think I've been able to kick it.

I don't feel like I have nervous phone hand anymore. It was a brief drying out process. What do you do instead now? Play flappy quail? Yeah, I just play flappy quail. I don't know. I just hang out and don't look at anything. If I'm somewhere where I need to – Whoa, you just relax. I just play Flappy Quail. I don't know. I just hang out and don't look at anything. If I'm somewhere where I need to—

Whoa, you just relax? I just relax. I just fucking look at a window. I try to imagine something. Ugh. Once when I was a teenager— Maybe Adam Scott in a little sailor suit. When I'm bored, I just try to imagine more Adam Scott memes.

Yeah, sure. Once when I was a teenager, I remember I went try to imagine more Adam Scott memes. Yeah, sure. Once when I was a teenager, I remember I went out to do something. I can't remember what it was. It was something that involved walking 15 minutes there and back, like going and picking up something at the store or something like that. And I remember I couldn't find my walk man. I may have been a disc man by then. And I remember this sort of sickening feeling at the pit of my stomach, like I'm going to have to live with myself for 30 minutes. And here's the thing. I am 32. I have never been able to escape that.

I can't live with myself for three minutes. I will, if I'm not distracting myself, all that will happen is I will be crushed by the inevitability of my own death. Oh my God, I feel the same thing. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. Guys, look out the ceiling. Just in your areas, not mine. Yeah, that empty space alone is death. And when I actually – when I have bad insomnia because sometimes I get really bad insomnia and what will keep screwing me over is the fear of that moment when I'm trying to go to sleep because that's the moment I just have to be with myself and I have to get my mind to relax and like that fear of that in-betweenness where it's like I have to live with that awful, unsettled, dark in-betweenness where I'm just with my thoughts. I totally get what you're saying. I actually – for that reason, I recently started meditating and it's been really

interesting because all you do is you have to sit with yourself for like 20 minutes per time, 40 minutes a day total and it's been really interesting because all you do is you have to sit with yourself for like 20 minutes per time, 40 minutes a day total. And it's interesting. Do you use like a meditation podcast or something? No. I took a class. I took like that course in Transcendental Meditation. Wow.

And I started doing it. Do you think you're transcending? Yeah. I feel like I'm so much better than you guys right now. Have you gotten to meet David Lynch? Yeah. I am. I am David Lynch.

Congratulations. Whoa. I told you. I'm 96 I am. I am David Lynch. Congratulations. Whoa! I told you, I'm 96. Okay, well, that tracks. Yeah. I guess I don't, those kind of like little spaces of time don't bother me, but the thing that stresses me out more than anything is having to eat a meal somewhere without something that I'm looking at.

So now without, now that my phone is not a source of text, the back of my car is just filled with books and magazines. So I just always have to have... And I feel like a weirdo because I'm carrying around hard copy books now, like going into a restaurant. And I feel weird if I see somebody and I'm like, hey, I just have this hard copy book. Oh, no reason. I just carry it around.

I feel like I'm about to get bullied, like someone's going to knock it out of my hands and then put my head in the toilet. That's like the whole reason that the New Yorker exists in the world. Sure. Like, the reason the New Yorker is a thing is so that you can go to lunch by yourself with something that fits in your backpack. Sure, exactly. It folds properly, has those nice columns. I was about to ask you, is that the New Yorker or is that just magazines? But now you're arguing that it's just the New Yorker.

Tough to do it with like an Esquire. Because it flaps itself closed. Yeah, sure. It'll flap itself closed. It's got a little bit of a spine, that little spine. It's really stupid also. Time is the same makeup as The New Yorker. Yeah.

It can hold itself open. Then I would have to read Time too. That's true. Yeah, like I went – I brought a book to a restaurant this past weekend. My wife sent me out of the house. Didn't really know what to do. Because you were farting too much? Yeah.

Well, you've seen my T-shirt. World's largest source of natural gas. Is that why you had to leave frozen? Oh, man. You were farting along to let it go? Your farts. Out your butt. My father-in-law was wearing an awesome T-shirt that said, fun grandpa on it.

It was great. My father-in-law's a great guy. But I, yeah, I had to bring a book and I couldn't manage the book. I couldn't, I was like, do I break the spine? It was a paperback and I couldn't get it to

fold open correctly and I was like, god damn it, I need the fucking New Yorker. I just have to, and I'm having to deal with the fact that if you just take a book off my shelf, it just has food stains in it. It just has weird ketchup in it. Can I tell you what I ate while I was reading it? Please. I went to this Japanese

restaurant on the west side. It's like a ramen restaurant, but then they also have a variety of appetizer dishes, and I chose the one called squid leg. It was great. Yeah? Yeah.

It should be like a tentacle. It was a tentacle. Yeah. It just said squid leg. How do you prepare a squid leg? You deep fry it. Okay, great. Yeah, it's fucking great.

Sounds delicious. You know what? It's come with a little sauce, a little dip. Give me a tentacle of any goddamn thing. Hmm. I don't even- There aren't that many things with tentacles. Well, I mean, what do you got?

You got octopuses, squids, Cthulhus. Yeah, Cthulhus. Cthulhu leg. Give you a little sauce with a Cthulhu. It's a little spicy. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Yes, you may.

LucasArts Adventure Games. Yes, those do have tentacles. Go ahead. I was having an audition that was way over on the other side of town. Time for lunch. There's a deli by the audition place. Great. Got a sandwich.

There's a park across the street from the deli. Fucking awesome. This is going to be amazing. I walk over across the street to the park and no bench. All of the benches were overlooking kids playing. And I felt so weird about being lone guy, kidless, sitting on bench with an eyeshot of kids. You just had to take your dick out. You know what I did?

I ate the baseball duck out. It was great. It was just a nice bench. It was enclosed. Did you feel like a real big league manager? Exactly. I put some chewing tobacco in. Finally, your Tommy Lasorda dreams came true.

Oh, I know. It was a submarine sandwich, too. It's a Tommy Lasorda's favorite sandwich? Nice turkey meatball? Yeah, I think probably Tommy Lasorda's. I think it's safe to say that it's something involving marinara sauce, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That guy loves sauce. I don't know sports, but I do know Tommy Lasorda equals like veal parmesan or something. Didn't he have his – I think he had his own brand of marinara sauce at some point. That makes sense. Yeah. I'm putting money on it. Tommy Lasorda has a sauce. Yeah, he had his own sauce.

Has or had his own sauce. For a while, that was like a prestige thing for a celebrity is do you have your own sauce? That's true. I'd love to have my own sauce. What kind of sauce would you have? Probably a hot sauce. You like a hot sauce. I do like a hot sauce.

Yeah. Oh, I would love to have a signature hot sauce. That would be great. Do you think we should have a signature hot sauce? Can I get in on this? Sure. I don't really eat hot sauce Is that going to be a problem?

Jordan, Jesse, and Fuego Well, problem solved there Yeah So do you feel better for having done this? A bazillion times better But yeah, it's been a real Have your tweets gotten better? I think so

I think if you look at my feed I think I'm less rushed. I'm considering them more. I don't feel like, oh, my God, everybody's tweeting but me, and I'm becoming obsolete, and I'll never get a job. Yeah, that feeling is gone. So, yeah, I think I'm a better person to have in your feed these days because I'm more relaxed about it. I'm a better follow. Can I your feed these days because I'm more relaxed about it. I'm a better follow. Can I have a question?

Yes, you may. On Twitter online when you're not on your phone, where do you keep your drafts? Because I can only find the drafts thing when I'm on the Twitter app. Oh. How am I missing this? I keep – I use – I have a Windows phone, so I use OneNote to keep my little— Oh, you just write them down. Yeah.

Got it. Yeah. That's what I do. All right. So we've addressed the major problems of modern society. Yeah, basically. The nervousness that you get when you have to confront your own mortality, where to keep your Twitter drafts if you don't have the app. And what our hot sauce will be called. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. And you have to confront your own mortality, where to keep your Twitter drafts if you don't have the app.

And what our hot sauce will be called. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sponsors on this week's program include Harry's.com. Harry's. Harry's offers a better shaving experience for a fraction of the price.

This is a company that will send you shaving blades, shaving handles, shaving creams, and unguents. We actually got some in the mail ourselves. I use it on my neck. I use it on my whole face. I had a little Harry's shave before I came to the studio today. How'd you like it? I thought it was really nice. I actually use a similar service.

I think the Harry's blades and products are much, much better. Possibly because they are German engineered. $15. You get a set that includes a handle, three blades, and shaving cream shipped to your door. And if you use the code JJGO, they will throw in a free four-pack of blades. Four plaques of blades. Yeah. They keep them on plaques.

Your teeth will hate you, but your face will thank you. A four-pack of blades with your first purchase if you use the code JJGO. Yeah, I used them. I thought they were really lovely. The handle designs are nice. The cream is nice. I did. I thought that was a nice cream. The cream is lovely.

It smells good. It makes your face feel terrific. Harrys.com is the place to go. We also have something up on the Jumbotron this week. It's a message for Leanne from Brad. Hope you have a great day, Leanne. Thought this would be a different way to let you know that I think about you all the time and that every moment with you is special.

You're the best. Love, Brad. That sounds like a really special love that they have. Do you think his dick is out right now? It's got to be. They're listening together and his dick is out right now? I should hope so. Fingers crossed, huh?

Yeah. Let's get it on. Brad take out your dick. Brad, whip it out. There you go. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, wrestler. Champion lightweight. Just champion lightweight. Half a glass of wine and you are ready to go home.

Ready for bed. I'm easy. It's just a championship lightweight bout is just where you you drink until someone passes out and whoever passes out is the winner.

Yes. Hey, is he just pretending to be passed out so he can win this competition? He's only had a quarter glass of this Chablis. Hey, is he just pretending to be passed out so he can win this competition? He's only had a quarter glass of this Chablis. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. Sounds like we've got a couple of momentous occasions stocked up.

Let's hear the first one. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Alex from Louisville, Kentucky. I just witnessed the most insane thing. Maybe not the most insane. Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But anyway, I was at the bar, and this guy came out, and he just was in an upset mood. And he just shoved his way through the crowd.

And, you know, people don't like that. And they said something. And so this guy just came back up and he started growling at them, like gyrating his body and growling at them. I don't know. I don't get it. But, uh, afterward, he ran across the street to a nearby Taco Bell and proceeded to

pick up chairs from inside the Taco Bell and throw them at the, uh, glass window panes. Don't know why, what kind of drugs he was on. It was a very, very bizarre, um, gap. And cops have come

and they have arrested him after probably about six counts of assault and who knows what else he's going to be charged with. Anyway, that's my momentous occasion. Love the show. Bye. Do you think that the Taco Bell part was because he

went to get one of those new waffle breakfast tacos and then he found out they were only rolling those out in regional markets. Yeah. I think that's probably what it was. Yeah. Not in his market. A lot of people paint, I think, or a lot of people have had painted for them in their minds too rosy a picture of what it's really like to be a Teen Wolf. I think that...

Sometimes, yeah, you flip out and have to run and destroy a Taco Bell because of all your teen wolf hormones. Especially when you're underage wolf drinking.

Exactly. It almost sounded like the caller was, as he was calling, following this guy from the bar to the Taco Bell to getting arrested and being like,

oh, now he's throwing chairs. He's arrested now. Like he was almost just like chasing him on his tail. Yeah. I encourage you to report live on major life events. Sure. I mean, if it's illegal, like definitely after you get done hanging up with us, call the police or the paramedics or whatever,

but definitely narrate it to us as it's happening. How come no one has like put us on speaker and then gotten married? They should totally, yeah. Well, because our listeners are selfish chumps. Sometimes the selfishness of the people who listen to this program really leaves me crestfallen. It's appalling.

You know, there's a nation of young people out there waiting to be inspired by your commitment to each other and to your community before God. And there's us as well. However, that having been said, thank you to the guy who sent me a special homemade beard oil. Oh, beard oil?

Yeah. What does it do? He sent me a nice beard oil. It softens the beard? It softens and conditions the beard. When you take a shower, do you condition your beard? You know, I don't have conditioner in my shower. I shower separately from my white.

Look, there's not much hair up here. It doesn't require conditioning. But I've been thinking about maybe I need some conditioner or at least some two-in-one. Once in a while, I do shampoo it. – I'm not going to lie to you. Shit gets in there. Literally shit. Well, if I'm – You're eating shit.

If, like me, you rub your face in feces a lot, it's simply going to happen. That's modern life. If you don't like it, hop on a train back to the 19th century. Let's take our next call. Where no one ate any shit ever. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Phil from Cleveland, Ohio, calling with a momentous occasion. I was just driving through a sudden snowstorm down a pretty steep hill and lost traction and did a full 180-degree

spin. And through some combination of instinct and luck, I didn't hit anyone else, didn't damage my car at all, and avoided all of the orange cones because it was under construction. So that's what I did today. That's amazing. It's totally amazing. Wouldn't it be cool if you took that opportunity to drive back the other direction and it like totally changed his life like if he was headed like we don't know exactly where he was going but maybe he was going to his wedding for example and so when that

happened he just floored it headed in the 180 degree opposite direction and went back to his old girlfriend i'm gonna say like he left his wedding and like enrolled in the 180-degree opposite direction and went back to his old girlfriend. I'm going to say like he left his wedding and enrolled in the nearest grad school. He just got out of law school and decided to head in for the art supply store. Sure. Get some canvases. Stretch them. Sometimes, yeah.

Sometimes a sheet of black ice can change your life. That's a really good point, Jordan. I'm also amazed that he said this calls for Jordan, Jesse, and guests, that he knew I'd be here. Yeah. That was pathetic. This is a guy with a lot of sort of semi-mystical qualities. I mean, to turn out of a spin like that, you got to have some instinct. And that he knows that the podcast he listens to that has a guest 98% of the time would probably have a guest this time. So this is clearly a guy with maybe a little bit of ESP. You know, he knows a lot about our show.

He knows it has a guest. He probably read the Guardian review of our show. So he knows it's taped in front of an audience. And that it's too long. If something momentous happens to you, you should call us at 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone, dummy. You have a machine in your pocket right now that's feeding you this show that saves phone numbers, 206-984-4FUN.

Narrate the next time a methed out weirdo destroys a Taco Bell or a Hardee's. Number one, it was PCP. Oh, okay. It was clearly PCP. You think so? Yeah. Guys on meth don't just go around throwing things. They do compulsive shit.

Oh, okay. He could have been doing that to every fast food place. They collect stuff and try and build things. PCP guys, they think they're the devil or whatever. Okay, that's fair. Not always, but sometimes. Meth sounds a lot better than I thought. No, I think meth is great for a while.

It's a nice life hack. Something – I was listening to something. Oh, did you hear this? I think it was a This American Life story about people who buy storage lockers on sight unseen. And in the end, they found this bicycle with one working wheel and one homemade wheel. And the homemade wheel was non-functional. And they said, yeah, this is the kind of thing that meth heads do. Wow. They try and build wheels for their bicycles.

But they lack the skill. I've always wanted to be craftier. Well, now's your chance. That was literally, I had, there was an entrance exam for like a gifted and talented program when I was in elementary school. I did not get in. But the entrance like kind of thing they had us do was basically that, where it's like, oh, build a little bridge out of popsicle sticks.

Like trying to build things that shouldn't be built by other things. So maybe if I'd done a little meth, I would have gone to Harvard. You'd be a success today and not on some asshole's podcast. Be a little meth junior. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Coe. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the new host of International Waters,

the transatlantic comedy show where land laws do not apply. I am here with one of our writers, Sarah Morgan, from the UK. Hello, Sarah. Hi, Dave. How are you doing? I didn't understand a word you just said. Could you explain International Waters and how it works? It's a transatlantic panel game. We have teams based in the UK and in L.A.,

and basically people try to be funnier more than they try to know things. I caught about half of that. Comedians on this show have included Josie Long, John Finnemore, Greg Proops, Paul F. Tompkins,

Claudio D'Ordi, and Dana Gould. What a lineup. Indeed. I hope you enjoy it in America, and I will say more British things if you'd like me to. Pip pip. You already sound like an in America, and I will say more British things if you'd like me to. Pip pip.

You already sound like an elderly wizard, and I love it. Find International Waters on MaximumFun.org or subscribe in iTunes. Thank you for your attention. I will see you on Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan Jessigo. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rachel Bloom, who currently just deleted Facebook and Twitter on her phone

when she was in the bathroom just now. Really? Yep. I'm changing lives. I was in the bathroom and I deleted both those apps. Next step,

eat lunch in a dugout. Mm-hmm. So you don't look like a pedophile. I'll be watching the kids, thank you very much. When does the game start? You were in the bathroom.

I was peeing and I went on... You needed something to do. You know what it was? The straw is... You were in the bathroom. I was peeing. You needed something to do. You know what it was the straw? You needed something to do. I needed something to do and I checked Facebook and I realized that I get that little burst of dopamine whenever I see a notification. But nine times out of ten, it's someone inviting me to an event in New York that I can't go to. Or it's someone I don't know asking me to play a game I've never heard of. And I was like, what am I doing like I'm constantly

checking. Like a deadly game like a saw situation? Yeah it's like. Game of cat and mouse? Yeah yeah you know we hunt people on an island. I can't make it. An island of dimly lit warehouses. And I was just like he's right man and I

deleted him. Both of them? I deleted both of them on my phone. What about Tumblr, though? You've got to get that Adam Scott. I don't have Tumblr on my phone. Where do you get your Adam Scott pics? Oh, I have a Google Alert set up for that. Every time he's wearing a new tie.

Yeah. And I already feel kind of cleansed. It's nice. It feels good. I think anyone who doesn't have a Google alert for Adam Scott plus skinny tie is... You're wasting the internet. Yeah. That's what it's there for.

I mean, if we had known 10 years ago when we were watching the Ice Cube movie Crank featuring Adam Scott. Is that what it's called? Crank? Crank is, I think, where Jason Statham has to keep his adrenaline up. Torque. Torque. Torque. The motorcycle knockoff of Too Fast, Too Furious that's actually pretty entertaining because

Adam Scott is so great in it. Did we never think of a Game of Thrones cocktail? Oh, I had one. It's super lame, though. Come on. Let's hear it. I bet it's good. I mean, what's the point of these things?

Instead of a white Russian, it's a white walker. That's good. And you basically serve it frozen. You basically freeze a white Russian, so it's like a white Russian popsicle. That's really fun. Yeah, you know. You undersold that a lot. That is really good, I think.

It's more clever. It's like Cole Porter clever as opposed to like South Park out loud ha ha funny. Sure. But you're – I mean we should explain that you're wearing like a ball gown right now. I am. It's more – you're more of a Cole Porter type. I'm on my way to play piano for a cotillion. So I'm in that frame of mind.

You've got perfect rhymes. And whenever someone has to sing a big note, it's a nice open vowel. I do. It's true. Hullabaloo. Exactly. Racheldoesthings.com

Racheldoestuff.com Shit! It's fine. Racheldoesthings.com RachelDoesStuff.com Shit! It's fine. RachelDoesThings.com is a filthy pornography site. That's also me, but it's... Yeah, you're here to promote your comedy. Yeah, yeah, not my...

RachelDoesStuff.com Amateur Granny Gang. Is both your... Rachel does... Who's an amateur? The granny or the people begging her? It's everyone. No one...

The granny's actually the one who has experience. Oh, okay. But basically I get DPs who've never worked before. I get sound guys who don't know how to work the sound. Oh, okay. A craft service guy who's just like pouring pencils into a bowl. I don't know. The actors are professional.

It's everyone around. Who's an amateur? Who doesn't know how to. No, just the slate guy doesn't. They don't know. I think when you're searching for amateur porn, that's what you're. Who's an amateur. Who doesn't know how to. No, just the slate guy doesn't. They don't know. I think when you're searching for amateur porn, that's what you're. That's what you mean. I get off on really badly done production.

Yeah. Terrible production values. RachelDoesStuff.com is Rachel's website. At Rachel Does Stuff is Rachel's Twitters. And your YouTube is YouTube Rachel Does Stuff. Yeah. Right? Yeah, it is.

Type that in there or whatever. Is that silly that I have like the same username for everything? It's good branding. It's good branding. Is it? Yeah. Okay. You're fine.

Because I thought of that brand a long time ago. You won an LA Weekly Award for Best Music Video. I did, and you won an LA Weekly Award for Best Fashion Blog. So we're both LA Weekly Award winners. What did you win yours for, Jordan? Best Street Taco. Shrimp and a little papaya salsa. Simple.

Next week, guys, the MaxFunDrive begins. So get ready. MaximumFun.org slash donate and end of the month will be our live streaming show. You can find more information at MaximumFun.org. We will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. MaximumFun.org

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