Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 317: Human Onion with Justin McElroy

Episode Date: March 17, 2014

Podcaster Justin McElroy joins Jordan and Jesse in a MaxFun podcast mashup for a discussion of remote recording, Miami sightseeing, and the amazing power of onions. Plus, it's the pledge drive! Go to MaximumFun.org/donate to get involved!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Can I open this week's program, Jordan, by offering a thank you to our listeners? Yeah, I would love it if you'd do that.

And now, this is a Pledge Drive program, so I'm going to thank our listeners who have gone to MaximumFun.org and supported this show and all of our other shows. However, there are two other listeners I'd like to thank. Number one, I'd like to thank the listeners who are called The Rocket Ship for sending us baseball cards of ourselves yeah homemade baseball cards in a top style wrapper yeah and a full like a perfect uh facsimile of 1987 tops you can recognize 1987 tops by its wood grain motif it's back when wood grain was a popular style of baseball card.

They did a very nice job. I also want to thank Shannon because Shannon sent me a ham. A whole ham? Yeah, a whole ham. And it was a German ham. Apparently, at some point— Did I get anything? Did I get some, you know, pig knuckles or something?

You should have talked about pig knuckles on Jordan Jesse Go. Apparently, I talked about German hams at some point. I don't remember this. She knew a great place to score a German ham. And she sent me one in the fucking mail. So I should just talk about things that I'd like to score? It's like the secret. Huh.

If you just say it enough. Yeah. Should we introduce our guest on the program? This is an all-time first for us. And we have our fingers crossed that this is going to be effective. But I think it is. It may not be. This is an all-time first for us. And we have our fingers crossed that this is going to be effective. But I think it is. It may not be.

This may be. This whole program. I mean, technically it could fail. Artistically, it could be a disaster. It seems likely to fail artistically. Oh, sure, yeah. Almost certainly. I guess our only hope

is that it will technically hold up. Yeah. I mean, if it's seen, it could be. Best case scenario, it's a technical marvel and an artistic failure, but it's a commercial success, i.e. it's Avatar. Or, I mean, I guess we could say like something that is kind of politically reprehensible but pushes the genre like Triumph of the Will. Exactly.

So hopefully this will be our Triumph of the Will. Yeah. Our triumph of the will. Yeah. Our guest on this week's program joining us not from the studio here in Los Angeles, but rather from his own studio in the great state of West Virginia, our friend, one of the co-hosts of the hit podcast, My Brother, My Brother and Me, Mr. Justin McElroy.

Hey, J-Mac, how's it cooking, pal? Hey, what a pleasure it is. It is a joy. To be with you. It is a joy. To be with you. It is a joy to have you here on the program, Juice. It is a joy. It is. I mean, I think, I don't know how this will go.

I mean, definitely it's our first time having a remote guest. And I guess I don't know how we're going to do the show without our complicated series of hand gestures. Right. Listen, you're talking to an old hand at remote recording. And an old hand at hand gestures. No one else lives here. You know, do you think we could teach Justin our hand gestures over the telephone line that's linking us right now? Yeah. I mean, we can give it a shot.

Okay. I don't know how good he is at, you know, imagination. Number one. But we'll just have to imagine them based on our descriptions. Number one, we've got a third base coach in here. You're going to need a third base coach in there. Our third base coach is the ghost of the late Wendell Kim. He's going to give you a series of signs to begin with.

Those are decoy signs. There's a put-on sign that's a swipe from the left breast to the right breast. You got that? I hate to be a naysayer, but it seems like if Wendell's ectoplasmic, that he should be able to project some form of these signs into my abode. It just seems like he should be able to swing it. Can we just get Wendell to possess Justin's body? I guess we could get Wendell Kim to possess Justin's body.

Oh, there we go. Okay. Hey, gents. I don't know who I am. Get ready for him for Huff Gold. You're known for – here's all you need to know about Wendell Kim. Thank you. The journey's been hard.

You're short. You're known for running out to the third base coach's box and you're dead. Wendell, what's hell like? Because that's obviously where you reside. It's just like you'd imagine. Oh, great. Like a Dante's Inferno situation? But you won't have too long. I know everything here.

Your time is soon. It's like, you know, devils poking each other with devil sticks. Oh, okay. By the way, when I say devil sticks, I'm talking about Devil Sticks the Outdoor Game. Not Pitchforks. Not Pitchforks. Yeah. No.

Devils are into like really kind of like obnoxious quad activities. You know what we call them down here, don't you? Basically. Home sticks. Basically hell is the quad at your local college, but it's on fire. Oh, okay. This is not news to anyone. All the same stuff is going on.

I mean, you've still got your. Guys selling Scarface posters. Yeah, you've still got your chicks sunbathing, but you're never going to be able to make out with them. No, yeah, because they're on fire. And if you try and kiss them, your lips will catch on fire. Yeah, it's a dark world out there. But, you know, it's only four years. Yeah.

Wait a minute, I'm thinking of college. You are thinking of college. Hell is forever. Gotcha. Justin, what's going on with you, man? Not much. We just finished recording the My Brother, My Brother and Me Pledge Drive episode. So a lot of excitement, a lot of energy.

Oh, I like to hear that. Can you tease anything from the episode? Was any of the energy sexual? We did finally give Adam Sandler his comeuppance. So watch out for that. Finally, someone is standing up to Sandler. Yeah. I mean, he's been giving waspy guys comeuppance for so long.

It's like it's about time Sandler got some. We should probably address the fact that I am dressed as an Adam Sandler antagonist at the moment. Sure. I'm wearing white sneakers, aler antagonist at the moment. Sure. I'm wearing white sneakers, a white polo shirt, and blue shorts. I really genuinely look like I just got off a golf course. And then – I am – a lifetime of watching Adam Sandler movies gives me an irrepressible urge to thwart you right now. I just want to thwart whatever it is you've got planned.

I think this is before we started recording, but Jesse also just said loudly, money is more important than relationships. A little on the nose, but yeah, well, you know. I do what I can. Which is not much. What are your guys' fears about remote recording?

What is it that has got you on edge? Lightning. Because I'm an old hand at this. Lightning, that's absolutely... I guess if lightning hits our receiver, we could all be melded into one hilarious body. Well, that's a good Adam Sandler movie. Maybe him, Kevin, James, and Chris Rock are all recording a remote podcast. And then all of a sudden,

boom, they're a major league third base coach. Sure. With diarrhea. That's the side effect, constant diarrhea. The good news is they've got all the power of three men, physical strength, mental acuity, but the downside is the poops. I want to be Kevin James. Right.

Okay. Can I be the female lead? Sure. Yeah. Cameron Diaz. Yeah. You'll be the female lead? Sure. Yeah. Cameron Diaz. Yeah. You'll be a very talented actress and we won't give you a lot to do. Oh, boys.

These men of mine, you'll say. That's the title too. So you'll kind of look at the audience knowingly when you say it. Oh, yeah. Do you think the female lead could be the owner of the baseball team? Like a Marge Schott type? She inherited it. Like a racist.

A fat old racist. Yeah. Who hates Eric Davis? I always got the feeling that she inherited it from her dad and there's a board of white men who think she can't do it. But as it turns out, she can. I think so. That sounds like a majorly good plot. Who do you think could be the female lead?

My first thought is the age-appropriate but very sexy Miss Kerry Washington. Oh, I like it. She's got a lot going on. What about Lorde? She's probably trying to break in, right? Yeah. I think when you see a Lorde video or when you hear her in interviews, I mean that charisma is undeniable. Sure.

I mean there's something thrilling about her, something electric, something irrepressible. A kind of mopeyness. Yeah. impressible a kind of mopeyness yeah a kind of and she's bubbling over with if there was a month called fun tober it would be dedicated to lord yeah and here's the twist guess what baseball team it is what's the royals oh my gosh absolutely i guess that's not so much a twist as just it's a fitting sure it's fitting it's not a synergy if. It's fitting. It's not a... Synergy. If you were going to guess which baseball team, it would be the one.

You know what I mean? Is Lorde playing herself in this situation? Yeah, I think so. And she also plays her father that dies. She has a range. She's a pop star

from New Zealand. Sure. I'm looking forward to... I mean, she is... Here's the thing about Lorde. She's a little petulant about the themes of current popular music and where our culture has gone. But when it comes to spending time in that makeup chair to be converted into her father, the late Lorde Senior. Incidentally, she's named after her dad, whose name was also Lorde.

Right. And I think – so her real name is Lord Jr. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I mean I think definitely like Lord has that energy that you want in a PG-13 comedy. Right. You know, that kind of manic type of energy. Yeah, it's just sort of a Jim Carrey for a pop, pops, pops Jim Carrey. Right?

Yeah. Guys, I know kind of what we're doing here is kind of a little bit of a podcast mashup. Right. Of Justin. Sure. Dan Savage is here. You, Dan Savage. He won't be saying anything.

Right. He just wanted to observe. The gang from Pop Culture Happy Hour is all in the waiting room drinking coffee. They will also not be appearing. I thought maybe something... They don't know that yet, though. That's true. No, they could. You never know. Who knows? At any moment. I

have an overheard so we can bring in something from Dave and Graham's show. Sure. And then, Justin, for your show, I have maybe a piece of advice I might like to put before you guys. Perfect. I have something I need advice on, I should say. Let's take a quick break.

Bring in some medical history in there and we'll be all set. That sounds boring. I would never want to do that. I'll talk about this boil that won't go away. It's been there so long. It feels like it's part of history. Let's take a quick break and we'll do podcast mashups when we come back. Sure.

Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm the people's Justin McElroy. Is that a thing? How long have we been friends, Justin? Years now, right? I wasn't positive of when we transitioned from colleagues to friends, but I'd like to think it's been years.

How long have we known each other? Years. Now divide that by how long you've been enemies, and you'll get the number of years you've been friends. How long were you guys... We coordinate that to a letter of the alphabet, and that's who I'll marry. I'm just...

I'm just saying, Justin, that I feel like you should have been ready to give us a nickname that didn't end in a question mark. You know what? I fantasized about it so many times listening to your program over the years, and I've come up with so many great ones, and they just all, in the moment, in the heat, in the rush of the moment of the heat, they left me.

Yeah. I mean, I kind of know how that feels when the fantasy presents itself. You don't feel like you're ready. Absolutely. I mean, that's why I don't feel- Never meet your idols. Yeah. I mean, mean well that's exactly why i don't do well in three-way situations yeah like i don't know i don't know i'll be over here guys i gotta go to the bathroom then i go to the bathroom and giggle um hey listen it's MaxFunDrive time. Hashtag MaxFunDrive, folks.

Our show. Hashtag Lord. Hashtag Thick. Our show. Do not add Lord and Thick. Our show is, like all of the shows in MaximumFun.org, supported by our donors. We're not supported by the tiny amount of advertising that we run on this program. We don't sell this show.

We are supported by people who listen to the show and voluntarily give to support it. Our goal for this pledge drive, two short weeks, is 1,500 new donors and donors who decide to increase their donations. I think it is very much within our grasp. I mean, I at least know 1,500 people that aren't donating. I don't know if they listen to the show. Right. But I'm aware they exist. Well, you've been.

I mean, how many people are in a given grocery store at a given time? Boy, I mean, 50, 60. Right. And so you've been to 30 grocery stores, right? Today, today only. Yes. Yes. You were looking for that one brand of canned stores, right? Today only. Yes. Yes. You were looking for that one brand of canned peaches you love so much.

Yeah. And I do really well with the girls who hang outside Trader Joe's and ask you if you have a minute for gay rights. Oh, yeah, sure. I always, like, I feel like I really have a hard time going up to talk to cute girls. But I feel like I do really well chatting with those girls. I haven't gotten any numbers yet. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of how I feel. It's like I feel like I'm, you know, like I'm doing pretty well. And at some point, I'm going to get to bone down with one of them. Listen, let's talk about boning down for a second.

Please do. If you're out there and you've thought about supporting the stuff that you actually like, like Jordan, Jesse go and you haven't done it yet, it's really easy. All you have to do is go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. And not only do you get tons of cool bonus content, including Justin, you guys just recorded a bonus episode, right? Oh, absolutely. It's got our dad on it. And we have an awesome bonus episode where we answered all of our listeners' questions about us.

Yeah. And since Rhea Butcher was on, the episode is also a Back to the Future drinking game. It's two things. It's an entertaining podcast and a way to get fucked up watching Back to the Future. And so anybody who donates at any monthly level will get access to all this bonus content in hours, literally hours of Jordan Jesse Go, because there's years now of bonus episodes of Jordan Jesse Go in that donors only RSS feed. And this is probably the single gift that I'm the most excited about. which is the friend of the family level, you get an 18-month calendar wherein each month's calendar illustration is a painting of one of the Max Fun personalities as a cat. Justin, have you seen your cat doppelganger? I have.

I'm adorable. What sort of kitty cat are you? A sweet one. A sweet little pussy cat. Do you like kisses? Snuggly little bear. A little snuggle bear. I wanted to snuggle myself.

All right? There. It's out. My little kitty is wearing a necktie and behind him is a crow with an arrow through its heart. So it really is the kind of thing you're going to want to put up in your kitchen, at your workplace, in the back window of your car. Just anywhere where you want to get a conversation started about podcasting or kitty cats. Or anywhere that's like within eye shot of where you jerking. So you can look at or kitty cats. Or anywhere that's like within eyeshot of where you jerk it.

So you can look at those handsome cats. Jerk it to cat me. Yeah, it's like a thumb up the butt. It makes it better. So, yeah, I guess I'm just going to bring this back around to the URL now that we've gotten to thumb in the butt. Sure. That was our goal. We discussed before this pledge break.

We were like, can we take it? We'll take it from zero to thumb in the butt, which was, that was our goal. We discussed before this pledge break, we were like, can we take it? We'll take it from zero to thumb in the butt. Then we'll circle back around to the URL. Please, in all sincerity, you can help us get to this goal of 1,500 new and supporting donors. This is how, you know, this is how we pay Brian and pay the rent and pay for our microphones and studios and get paid ourselves. Go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. It's easy and you get cool stuff in exchange. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, a three-way situation. Isn't that what this is? I guess it kind of is. Yeah. Let's start, Jordan, with your overheard. Okay. I was having lunch today. This is, by the way, is a regular segment on Stop Podcasting Yourself,

our sister podcast on themaximumfun.org now. I was having lunch. It was kind of an outdoor lunch situation and the table behind me was talking about this disappeared Malaysian plane.

Sure. Indonesian. Where's the plane from? I believe it is a Malaysian plane. Okay. You're talking about it's a jumbo jet. There you go. And, you know, they were like everybody had a different theory and they were talking about.

Can I interject? Why did I feel like it was important to clarify the size of the plane? I mean, I think it's just fun to know a fact. Right. And you want people to know. We're talking about a wide-body jumbo jet here, folks. What's the capacity on that? I think around 250 passengers.

In-flight Wi-Fi? 250, 300? In-flight Wi-Fi? Possibly. We don't have that information yet. I think the Malaysian military is holding that back. Movie on the plane? Yeah, absolutely.

Which one? It's an Adam Sandler movie. I don't remember what it's called. It's about him and Kevin James and Chris Rock get put into the body of a third base coach, co-stars Lord. Those are my guys. Yeah. So this table is talking about, you know, kind of the, you know, there's all sorts of weird conspiracy theories kind of surrounding it. And one lady at the table is like, I mean, it's just so crazy.

I mean, it's like a modern day Lost. Lost takes place in the modern day. It does. Can I tell you something that someone said to me that really struck me? It was not an overheard. It was a conversation that I was engaged in in public unexpectedly. Sure. I was at the taco truck, which is where I often purchase my lunch, just around the corner from our office here.

Not the one that's right in front of our office. That one fucking blows. I'm talking about the one around the corner, Jordan. You have some good taco trucks. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't mess – Justin, you're from West Virginia. You know what I'm talking about the one around the corner, Jordan. You have some good taco trucks. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't mess – Justin, you're from West Virginia. You know what I'm talking about.

Not the one – We have trucks and we have tacos, but never the twain shall meet. Not the one that's right there on Parkview. The one that's over by Antojitos BB, the Honduran restaurant. Is that the one near Man's Chinese Theater? Because if not, I'm out of L.A. landmarks. It's between Man's Chinese and where River Phoenix died in a pool of his own vomit. Oh, God.

Right behind there. So I order a burrito from the truck, and I have to ask for burritos without onions, sin cebollas in Spanish, because I can't eat onions and migraine trigger. And there's two guys standing there. One of them was there when I got there. One of them was already standing there when I got there. One of them was ordering when I got there. The guy who was ordering when I got there, older guy, he was having a conversation with a guy in the truck in Spanish, something about sending stuff back to Guatemala. So I'm going to guess that it was that he was a Guatemalan guy, maybe 60- Spanish, something about sending stuff back to Guatemala. So I'm going to guess that it was,

that he was a Guatemalan guy. Maybe 60-ish, something like that, I'm going to say. Distinguished man. Other guy is a younger guy. I'm going to guess mid to late 20s. You know, a friendly enough looking sort. Sure.

So I order my burrito. Somebody you might want to switch bodies with sometime. I would love to. Hey, knock five years off my age and make me Latino, I am in. Oh, man, that does sound fun. Yeah. The demographics on that are looking good. You could be the first Latino president with those stats.

Yeah, you could be the next president. Latino president. By the way. With those stats. Yeah, you could be the next president. So I order my burrito, and the two guys talk to each other for a second in Spanish. I don't catch any of it. And the younger guy turns to me and he says, so, this is really, this was his voice. He says, he was like a mysterious visitor from another dimension, the way he talked.

He said, so you don't eat onions or? And I was like, no, I can't. And he says, oh, you can't? Why not, man? And I said, oh, because they're a migraine headache trigger for me. So I can't, I can't eat raw onions. And he nods sort of quietly, and he tells the older guy why I can't eat onions. And the older guy nods, and he says something really quickly in Spanish, and the younger guy says,

he says, a man who don't eat onions, when he gets older, will need a prescription for Viagra. Man, you just got slammed. I did. Randomly slammed in another language. I got slammed by a middle-aged, borderline elderly person via a super chill person. Wow. person via a super chill person wow did that did that uh make the blow worse or was it sort of a balm to have it delivered from from such a chill dude it was sort of a one-two punch i think because because yeah he was so chill like it wasn't like and here's the thing there There's this kind of 1985 kind of vato aggression that's like, hey, man, I'm going to fuck you up.

That kind of thing. That was sort of the calling card of every dude who told me they were going to fuck me up when I was 12. But that was not what was going on. The younger guy, he was just super chill. He was not being was going on. The younger guy, he was just super chill. He was not being a threatening dude. He wasn't threatening your penis. He wasn't, you know, the idea wasn't that he was going to beat you so hard you became impotent. But, I mean, it wasn't like, what I'm saying is he wasn't trying to pick a fight with me.

Sure. He's just there, man. Translating what this other guy says. Translating and just engaging this whole situation because he just wants – he's interested. No onions, huh? You're going to have a soft dick, huh? Even if he had initially intended to fuck you up, he may have lost his taste for it after he found out the sort of struggles you're going to have later in life. Yeah, I think that's a good point.

It was also significantly smaller than me. I mean, the odds of this guy taking me out were relatively low. Look, I'm a pretty tough street fighter. I think we all know that. Sure, yeah. You're a street fighting man. Sure. I used to be in the – Jesus Christ.

What were those guys called that wore the berets on the bus? The Good Samaritans? It's something. No, it's like Good Samaritan. It's a something or other angel. The Face Smashers. God damn it. Guardian Angel maybe.

Guardian Angels. Yeah, I used to be a Guardian Angel, so. Yeah. I didn't know that. I guess I didn't know that about onions, that they had a direct correlation with dick hardness. Yeah. Do you eat a lot of onions? I guess I do eat a lot of onions, yeah they had a direct correlation with dick hardness. Yeah. Do you eat a lot of onions?

I guess I do eat a lot of onions, yeah. Well, is your dick super hard right now? I mean, yeah. I mean, I thought about seeing a doctor for it, but I should just probably just decrease my onion intake. Yeah. Q-E-D. Three letters for you, buddy. It has been proven.

Yeah. What about parsnips, do you think? What do you think that does to dick hardness? Parsnips are neutral on dick hardness, but they are really positive for sperm volume. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, I mean, if you, you'll find a lot of people who just eat taters in the wintertime. in the wintertime.

If you only eat taters, you're going to have a modest volume. But if you add some parsnips in there, because of the, I'm just guessing here, but the omega-3 fatty acids, you're going to have

a prodigious volume. Oh, that's great. You know, I've been planning to try to incorporate salad into my diet more. I've got to be honest. I'm a little hesitant now that there's some sort of alchemic process that happens with every bite where my dick is getting harder, softer, sperm depleting, increasing. Look. There's a lot to keep track of. Eastern cultures have known this forever.

I mean, the food that you take in is what controls your erections and just your general sexual fitness. When you look at, I mean, you mentioned salads. Spinach salad versus lettuce salad, of course, is the classic, right? Absolutely, sure. I mean, it happens across all Eastern cultures. It's like yin and yang. They're balanced together.

If you don't balance them, you're going to have a serious – too much spinach, you could have a diamond dick. Permanent diamond dick. I'm just throwing these things out there. I'm really interested in alternative therapies, hard-ons. Yeah. Well, here's – Justin, I think what you should do. Sex and sexuality. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Justin, I think what you should do rather – and I don't mean to be dispensing advice to the advice guy. You know what, Jordan? I think this is something where – Justin, correct me if I'm wrong, but you only recently got a penis. That's right. Yeah. So, Jordan, you've had a penis for how long now? Two, three months. Right.

So I think it's your time now, Jordan, to advise Justin. I think you're in safe territory. Justin, here's what you do. I mean, obviously, the Eastern cultures kind of have this on lock. Right. They get this I think more than anybody else. Sure. I mean they stay potent, you know, I mean into death.

Yeah. I mean you could fuck an eastern corpse. Right. And it would do just fine. The people of the east. Sure. What you do is you go, you know, I don't know if you guys know if you guys have a Chinatown or a Thai town or something like that where you are. We have a magic walk.

Is that – I mean that's about as close as we get. Yeah. We'll just head there and probably in back is probably a little old man who's selling trinkets and – Herbs. Herbs and – Her herbs and gremlins. Yeah. Well, that was the joke I was leading up to. You shouldn't eat salads, but you should only kill and eat gremlins.

Okay. Let's do it again. Just do it again. Okay. Let's take it from the top. What you do is you go and you find a little old man who's selling- Gremlins. There you go. That was better little old man who's selling gremlins there you

go that was better i felt it i felt it that time i feel like justin i felt like you sort of messed that one up for jordan do you want to say do you want to just go back from the top jordan yeah sure let's just take it from the top hi gremlins okay okay okay see this is why we don't record remotely because justin you would have seen the gremlin sign that I was giving, the upcoming gremlin joke sign. That's a tug on the left ear, incidentally. I'm just so eager to please. I'm doing my best. What did you want advice from Justin about?

And I feel like I, with your permission your permission Justin maybe I can stand in for your brothers Griffin and Travis here in offering Jordan some advice yeah absolutely I'll be there have been hangers on forever I'll be peep them anyway I next weekend I am

doing a job that will force me not force me I'm voluntarily taking this job. This isn't like someone has my daughter and I have to do one last job. Although I would love to be in one of those scenarios. It seems fun. It does seem fun. It would finally be a chance to utilize your vehicle's expertise.

Oh, yeah. And to punch a guy in the throat who's wearing a tracksuit. That's literally the only reason I'm having a daughter. So someone could kidnap her and force you to do one last job? Exactly. I'll be wandering away from her at what seems like opportune moments, leaving the stroller unattended, just hoping every time I turn my back that someone will snatch her away. I'm just going to go down to this alley and buy some gremlin meat.

I'm just going to go down to this alley and buy some gremlin meat. Justin is literally traveling the length and breadth of West Virginia looking for Russian mafiosos that I can leave my baby adjacent to. So I have this job where I have to go to Miami for a day. And I thought instead of just doing the job, getting on the plane, flying back, I would stay for a day in Miami. Sure. I will be by myself. It's the first time in a long time I've ever had any kind of like solo traveling.

I've never been to Miami. I have only been to Florida's crappier parts. Right. Your non-Disneyland parts of Orlando. Right. So I guess I don't know what I should do or how I should conduct myself. Usually my strategy when visiting somewhere and you kind of don't know what to do is to look in there weekly and find where their famous burger is and then you go eat that burger. Maybe you'll be in a cool part of town when that happens.

If not, at least you ate a burger. But this doesn't seem like this works in Miami. I mean this idea that the famous burger is also where – is a place you would just generally want to be. It doesn't really track based on what I know about Miami. So I'm guessing – I guess what I want to know from you guys is what one can do there and if I should even just do this at all. I mean I could just get on the plane and come right back. Did we ever talk about the time I spent one day by myself in Miami? I don't know if that's applicable here.

Oh, the exact same situation? I think you talked a little bit about it. I think you bought some shirts. Yep. And saw a turtle. I think it was a group of chickens walking around on the street. Oh, great. And something else terrifying.

Oh, a dead dog. Oh, cool. Yeah. I guess I could just do that. I will tell you, my personal feeling is you don't want to get a burger in Miami. You want to get cool Cuban food. Sure. I ate some kick-ass Cuban food.

Okay. You'd want to get a carb because I spent four hours on the bus just going from one side of Miami to the other. And yeah, so I think Little Havana is somewhere you want to go. Okay. And then you want to go hang out at the beach, right i guess yeah i could hang out at the beach i'm not i'm not against hanging out at the beach it's not my number one thing to do but i could enjoy that you want to check out what's not i mean but when in rome sure all right what's your feeling justin uh i think you gotta do the classics you gotta go to go to Enricada's Sandwich Shop. It is the number one spot for Cuban food.

That's where you're going to want to go. I guess I don't know anything. You say that very confidently. Is this a place you've been? Is this a world-famous place? I've never heard of it. Yeah, it's sort of like a – gosh, it's hard to describe it to somebody from out of town. But if you Google best Cuban food in Miami, OK, and then you click on it, that's basically what you're going to get. OK.

That's kind of a local take. Like would that apply if I was just sitting behind – like let's say I was at a computer behind a microphone somewhere in West Virginia. I didn't know a lot about Miami. And so I just typed best Cuban food in Miami into Google, clicked I'm feeling lucky. I understand the confusion. In West Virginia, we actually have a different internet. It's literally all church hymns. We have the full collected text of every church hymn that does not directly reference Catholicism.

Those are strictly prohibited. Oh, yeah. You don't want to fuck with those. That's trouble. That's all we have on our internet. I'm actually – the words you guys are telling me are being translated into various psalms and then my words are being redirected through sort of a program. It's amazing how well you're keeping up with this based on the fact that basically all you're hearing is, angels we have heard on high, sweetly sleeping o'er the plains. I don't know.

I'm actually just making jokes about things you said five minutes ago, but you guys don't seem to notice. So I'm just going to keep rolling with it. Jordan, have you thought about what if you had like a happy hour-ish meetup, like a Max Fun meetup? Do you think we have, do you think Miami is a hotspot for? Oh, I don't think it's necessarily a hotspot, but we're talking about a metropolitan area with literally millions of people. And here's the reason I mention it.

Sure. You go into an ordinary bar or club in Miami. Or discotheca. I'm going to say, I'm just going to presume about you, Jordan, that you are not Gloria Estefan or Pitbull. I have some Pitbull-like qualities. I mean, mainly my willingness to shill for anything. Right. You are from the block, but you're not Jenny. No.

So what proportion of the people in that bar or club in Miami would you say you are one of their heroes or someone that they admire? Not being either of those three famous Miamians. Right. Excuse me, Mia-mians. Right. Excuse me, minions. Right.

From Despicable Me. I'm no minion. Can I clarify one more thing. You're also not former Cuban baseball legend turned Major League expansion draft Florida Marlins signee, Orestes Destrada. Thank you for clearing that up. Okay, go ahead. People confuse us. People say they – I sound like David Cross. Right. And that I look like that guy you said.

Orestes Destrada. That's the one. Yeah, I mean, I'd say probably just any given bar, probably 40%, 50%. Right. So what if there was a meetup going on in that bar of Max Fun people? We could do that. That would kick it up to what? 50% or 60%,

right? Easy. Yeah, 90, 100, but yeah, sure. People are going to be telling you all kinds of great stuff about Miami. Yeah. Where to see the chickens. Where the dog just died. The place where Jesse Thorne once bought shirts.

It's like a George Washington slept here kind of situation. Exactly. How do you guys feel about being – Miami aside, how do you guys feel about being on your own in a in a in a strange place in some sort of vacation situation i i have a direct arc where i wake up where the day is full of possibility i could do anything and then by the end of the day i'm always horrifically lonely just wandering around wandering the streets listening to Welcome to Night Vale by myself. Yeah, I mean. I'm still me in Miami, I guess, is the lesson here.

I should probably use the time to catch up on my podcast, though. I think that if I need objectives. Yeah, that's the thing. I was talking about this with some coworkers the other day and, yeah, it's always my feeling. My instinct is always to like plan a comedy show or to buy concert tickets even to something I'm not like thrilled about seeing. Probably I should go to a Pitbull concert. Right. Because I just want to have a place should go to a Pitbull concert right because I just want to have a place to go at a time right like that meandering feeling of those meandering

vacation feelings I'm not good with but I will say that I think Yelp has has has improved the experience overall so exponentially because it so far reduces the chances that you are going to walk into a business that is horrible. You know, like you can be anywhere in a city you've never been to and you can at least – look, we can all agree. The people who actually review things on Yelp, they're very near brained. They've possibly been asphyxiating themselves or these are not the brightest. But they're an angry bunch too. But, you know, I went to that Wayabera store.

You know what I mean? And I bought a shirt for myself and i shot some pictures for my blog it was really cool it was really amazing i had known about that store going in and then i said oh shit i am hungry it took me two hours to get here on the bus um i need to eat somewhere i went on my yelp i went and i found a fucking amazing cub Cuban place that was the place on the block. It was like, you know, do I want to eat at Church's Chicken? No. And I think living in the information age, you just need a couple of goals, you know? Yeah.

This sounds nice. I've found that Yelp will sometimes lead you astray, though, when you find the place that is definitely the best but you as an outsider are absolutely not welcome you are not supposed to be there it is not a place for non-locals to be. That's because you keep visiting Port-au-Prince by yourself if you weren't constantly

visiting war-torn nations I think you would do better, is what I'm saying. Nations that are in... If you can tell me a better place to sell children, then I'm happy to try it. It's got you there. So these are business trips.

I had assumed that they were pleasure trips. A little calm, a little calm, honestly. Yeah, but mainly you're using it to move some kids. I think that sounds really fun to spend a day in Miami. Yeah, I think it'll be fun, too. I, but mainly you're using it to move some kids. I think that sounds really fun to spend a day in Miami. Yeah, I think it'll be fun, too. I definitely don't want to blow it. I think it's one of these things like, oh, I don't know when I would get another chance to just randomly be in Miami, and you know, and someone

paid for my plane ticket. So, I definitely want to do it right. Rent a car, my friend. Okay. Rent a car. A nice Hyundai, maybe. Yeah, get yourself a Hyundai. Yeah. Do you think you could, do you think they'd let you get a Daewoo? nice Hyundai, maybe. Yeah, get yourself a Hyundai. Do you think they'd let you get a Daewoo? I mean, hopefully.

Saturn, maybe? I don't mean to be presumptuous here. Maybe a Panasonic? A Panasonic car? An LG? An Insignia? That's the best buy brand car. an LG. An Insignia? That's the best buy brand car. Okay, look.

In our forum, forum.maximumfun.org, I know that there are Miami-type people who live in Miami or have been to Miami a lot. Whatever. Help us out. Tell Jordan where to go. Sure. this is easy fucking problem solved and you have a nice meetup i'll tell you what okay i i was in some shitty

place in florida once on a job and it was a shit job let's make that clear you were uh cleaning out septic tanks i was a literal shit job i I was in, I don't even know, Boca Raton or something. Somewhere fucking super shitty. It was no Miami. And we had a meetup. I'm like, fuck this. I'm going to have a meetup. I'm not just going to eat dinner by myself

after this shitty job. So I had a meetup. Twelve people show up. The most pleasant, delightful people. I had a meetup, 12 people show up, the most pleasant, delightful people. I had a great time chatting with all these listeners of our show in Florida, in a shit town that I'm sure they love very much. And I apologize to them for repeatedly putting it down. OK, we'll have a meetup, but only if we can all tip our shades and look at a butt.

Yeah, of course. I feel like that's like, isn't there like one of those air raid horns that goes off every 15 minutes to remind you? Tip and look. The tip and looks horn just went off. It's actually just the little theme

from Ferris Bueller, that oh, bow, bow. You bow, bow. And I just want to say, I will look at a male butt if that's what everyone wants to look at. I'm not gendering this. Jordan. When in Rome. Yeah, sure.

What diet are you on? Oh, my gosh. I'm on the North Beach diet. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. That's where I eat a bunch of Italian food. We'll be back in just a second now, Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Justin Hoops McElroy. Wait. I was more hesitant there. Are you Hoops or Hoots? Hoops. Hoots or hoots? Hoops. Hoots or hoops?

Hoops. Like b-ball. Shooting hoops. Justin, do you know what hooping is? Hooping? Hooping. I don't know. Yeah, hooping.

Hooping is storing contraband in your butt. All right. So it works both ways then. Oh, my gosh. Well, speaking of hooping. Yeah. It's the MaxFunDrive, where you put money up our butts. Or you go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and ram some generosity right up our butts.

Hey, Justin. Don't worry. There's always room for more. Yeah. We have very elastic anuses. Justin, you're a MaximumFun.org host. You're one of the hosts of My Brother, My Brother and Me. Do you listen to MaxFun podcasts as well?

And Sawbones. I mean, let's get the plug in. Oh, that's true. And Sawbones as well. Another MaximumFun hit. Yeah, I love podcasts. I like this podcast. And Song Exploiter, that's a new Maximum Fun show that I listen to. A lot of my iPhone is filled with our programming. Yeah. And do you feel like the content that you enjoy consuming is worth supporting with money? In fact, I do.

I do support it with my own hard-earned cash. It would be weird if you said that. It would be weird, wouldn't it? You would have blown it big time. Here's the thing. I donate to the network, but I pirate the shows. I've never paid a red cent to listen to any of these hold on justin hold on my friend nobody pays to listen to any of our stuff it's all free to everyone i

find that hard to listen i get them i may live in west virginia but i'm not fresh off the turnip truck okay i actually get the entertainment this good i get them emailed to me directly by Kim.com. Yeah. Look, if you're out there and you're listening, every single show that we do, we give every single episode out for free.

It's because we believe that people deserve to be able to listen to our show. And we have a rule. If you don't have a job, you don't have to donate to support it.

You are 100%. All persons without jobs are 100 percent exempt. The only thing is all people with jobs are not exempt. So don't be a freeloader. If you like it, donate. It's easy and it's fun and you get stuff. You get tons of stuff. So we talked about every person who donates at every monthly level, which starting five $5 a month gets the bonus content. $10 a month gets you the bonus content and the calendar. What else can you get at other levels, Jordan? $20 a month, that's the Diamond Friendship Circle, you get the MaxFun Morning Essentials Kit. You get a Cobalt Blue MaxFun Rocket Mug, a

half bag of Tonks coffee, and a bar of Stack Soap. Stack Soap is a kind of soap, by the way, where it has a little indentation in it. So when your soap's starting to run out, it locks on to the next bar of soap so you never have to waste a sliver of soap. It's like a combination of soap and transformers. And Tonks coffee is a type of coffee that grows on coffee trees, then is roasted and ground and made into a drink. I think that description is a little less novel. Right. But, I mean, it's accurate.

It's accurate. Tonks is a wonderful coffee. We pay for Tonks delivery at my house. In fact, come on, Tonks. Let's get some free delivery over to my house. Yeah, right. However, we pay for it because we think it's so fantastic. And the mug is a beautiful mug.

We don't mess around. We looked at a lot of different mug models. Yeah, so $20 a month gets you – oh, sorry. Go ahead, Justin. As a Tonks – I'm a Tonks subscriber myself, and I can tell you that my wife loves being regaled with the stories of where our coffee came from every couple of weeks. Yeah, it is. I think she really gets a kick out of it. It's really fun.

Yeah, $20 a month, you get that, you get the bonus content, and you get the calendar. Yeah. That cat calendar. Yeah, come on. Cat calendar? Give me a break. You need to get your hands on that. That's not going to be

for sale in stores. No, it's not. We did. We had a deal with Borders, but then Borders shut down. So this is the only place to get it. That's because the owners

of Borders heard they were going to carry the calendar. So they shut down every single store. Yeah. What are we doing here? Yeah, it's good stuff. We recorded a bonus episode of this show.

There's a bonus My Brother, My Brother and Me. Oh, I recorded a bonus episode of International Waters with Dave Holmes, Colin Anderson, and Sarah Morgan, who are the producers of International Waters. So you get to see a fun fake behind the scenes of how International Waters doesn't get made. Oh, that sounds delightful. Yeah.

I'm excited to hear that. If you've never donated before, you're going to find a treasure trove. There's an unconscionable amount of content waiting there for you, hours upon hours upon hours. Yeah, so just throw us a couple of bucks and you get tons of cool podcasts that you haven't heard before. What about at the $35 a month level? That's Judge Hodgman's Justice Squad. A pair of rocket engraved highball glasses. For drinking alcohol.

Or non-alcohol. Yeah, you could have a ginger ale with a dash of bitters. How about that? Sure. That's a great drink to order. Put some dog food in there. Let the dog eat out of them. Yeah.

I mean, I guess it depends on how you feel about us. Yeah, sure. Hey, as long as you donate, we don't care. There are a couple of sort of like top levels that I think we have really special things that we do for folks who really care about these shows. At the $100 a month level, you join our inner circle, and every month we actually pick something. One of us, one of us Max Fund hosts, picks something to send to you. And it's a media thing, a culture thing, a book, a CD, a movie, you know, that sort of thing. Jordan, did you pick one of these?

Do you remember what yours was? Yeah, I think I did last month's inner circle thing. I picked a book of short stories called Vampires and the Lemon Grove. A wonderful book of short stories. Yeah, it's terrific. It's definitely one of the best books I've read in a long time. And yeah, I think definitely

if you're a MaxFun fan, you would like it. It's a delightful combination of humor and sci-fi stuff. Yeah, so we actually, you know, each of us, each of us hosts pick something for you personally

every month and you get it in your mailbox with a little note about why you like it. It's a really cool thing. And at the $200 a month level, which is Jordan's Platinum Angels. It's free registration on the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival. That's boatparty.biz. Free ticket. Plus all of the other stuff. All of these add up.

But look, the point isn't what level you donate at. The point is that you donate we break into the show and ask you for money. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Now, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessico. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la editing, you know? Most of this show is put together in editing, but we try and take fun out. Yeah, we remove fun. But also, like, Robert Rodriguez adds in a bunch of green screen shit. Yeah. At his home studio in Austin. Yeah, so I have a lot of, like, fake-looking blood spray in it.

This movie, by the way, this episode of Jordan Jesse Go, by the way, is actually Spy Kids 5D. Okay, look. When something momentous happens to you... Cheech Marin! Sorry. Isn't he in all those? He is. At this point, Cheech Marin probably appears in like the porn parody of those.

Spy Kids 34DD. And then in parentheses, they're not kids, don't be grossed out. Yeah. Spy grown-ups. Then in double parentheses, but Cheech Marin is in it, so maybe be kind of grossed out. Maybe be a little bit grossed out. But Cheech Marin is in it, so maybe be kind of grossed out. Maybe be a little bit grossed out.

Okay, when something momentous happens to you, our listeners, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN. It's Momentous Occasions. Brian Fernandez, Sunny D, roll out that first call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guests. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion today. I'm sitting pumping gas at the gas station, and I hear booming, loud elevator music

coming from the car that just pulled up. And so I'm like, who is blasting elevator music? And it is this gangster-looking dude, like Super Hood, just jamming out to elevator music. Thought it was pretty crazy and pretty awesome. All right. Have a good one, y'all. Bye.

Well, that was me. I'm going through a bossa nova phase. Oh, yeah. I wonder what she meant by elevator music. Is it a musac or was it like Phil Collins or something like that? Because I feel like elevator music gets misused a little bit or at least it's a – Like when people say elevator music, I always think of the girl from Ipanema. Like it has to be that, right?

Yeah. When a movie needs to do the joke that some action is stopping for people to ride in an elevator, the go-to song is always girl from Ipanema. What about Spanish Flea by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass? Is that it? Yeah. Brian, pull up Spanish Flea on that computer. Oh, no, it's... There you go.

Brian, you don't have to pull it up. I'm already doing it perfectly. Wait a minute. Jordan, where are you? Jordan, where did you go? Herb Alpert, what are you doing in here? A lot of ghosts on this show. Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow. No, it's a cat. No, it's a cat. Painter Megan Lynn Cott, who made the Max Fun Calendars. How did you transform Herb Alpert into a cat version of Herb Alpert? With talent. And why do I want to masturbate? That's on you, dude.

Did you know that Herb Alpert is like one of the biggest serial philanthropists of the arts in America? That's great. Like he has literally given hundreds of millions of dollars to the arts. Good for him. Good for Herb Alpert, right?

On the subject of blasting inappropriate music, I feel like the number one blaster of music that's not meant to be blasted is the Fat Grandpa motorcycle. Are you aware of these motorcycles? Isn't that just all motorcycles? Yeah. There's specifically one where it's like the guy isn't even trying to look like a motorcycle guy. It's just like a guy, you know,

in, you know, a polo and chinos riding a giant motorcycle with two American flags on it. Right. And it always has some intense sound system that's always playing

like Genesis. Right. Are we so old that grandpas just listen to Genesis now? I think that's the last thing grandpa got into. That grandpas play Sega Genesis. Yes, exactly. I think I'm going to beat Echo. No, nobody's ever beaten Echo.

That's a lie. You're too drowsy. Let's take our next call. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. I just moved into my new house I bought with my wife and daughter. And I am looking out my backyard, and I see two donks. My neighbors have two donks, and I get to look at them every day. Thank you for the momentous occasion.

They get to shit in your yard. Yeah, right? Right. Shovel that donk shit. For listeners who don't know, a donk is a miniature donkey. It's the best animal. I feel like this guy was implying

that his daughter went in on the house. That's exactly what I was thinking. I'm with you there, that my wife and daughter and I just bought. What do you think is the daughter's contribution? Well, you got to figure the down payment, right? Sure. And then the parents take care of the mortgage?

Maybe the daughter's like a child actress or something. Yeah. Do you think the daughter was Dakota Fanning? It might have been Dakota Fanning. How old is she now? 10? Oh, at least. Yeah, like maybe 11.

Because she was one in her first movie. Right. The Sixth Sense? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is true. Then she was in Avatar. Right? The Last Air first movie. Right. The Sixth Sense? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is true. Then she was in Avatar. Right?

The Last Airbender. Right. Which was 10 years ago. None of this is true. I don't know. I miss the movies about the other airbenders. And so I felt really lost when I was watching Avatar. You know, that's just because it's a bad movie

that was poorly written. Mm-hmm. I had to watch that. I went on Hal Rudnick's movie show that he has online. Past Jordan Jesse Go Guest. Past Jordan Jesse Go Guest. Hal Rudnick has a movie show called The Screen Junkie Show, and they get together and they discuss a movie topic.

It's a fun web series. Sure. It is a fun web series. I've watched it. It's great. the the part of this that was not fun was that we had to sit down and watch to discuss them we had to discuss all of m night shamalan's worst movies and i have definitely watched the last airbender and i'm so fucking mad at it it is awful what happens in it i mean it's just a nonsense movie it's like you know it's like it's like a dumber version of the star wars prequels it's just all this gobbledygook that was clearly in an anime so they have to put it in this movie

or people will be mad and it's just like the worst child actor saying the worst you know nonsense by an out-of-touch weirdo that an out-of-t touch weirdo wrote combined with like anime lore that is clearly some weird fan service but makes no sense to a casual viewer you know there were there were these moments i recently watched the veronica mars movie and i enjoyed it very much um i don't want to leave the impression otherwise because it was fun and i like veronica. But it was only afterwards that I learned that apparently it was full of inside jokes and insider references. I've watched literally every episode of Veronica Mars. I don't think I caught one inside reference in the entire course of the film outside of when they played the theme music. And I was like, oh, that's the theme music from the TV show.

And I felt pretty fucking clever. But you aren't listening to the Veronica Mars Insider Fan Podcast. That's where those references are coming from. Oh, I see. Do you think we should invite that to join MaximumFun.org? No, definitely. I mean, the Veronica Mars Fan Podcast really only has growth in its future. You know, Veronica Mars is on this week's Bullseye with Jesse Thorne.

That's me. Which is also a Maximum Fund supported podcast. Yeah. So I'm just saying I've got a personal connection to Ms. Kristen Bell, a.k.a. Veronica Mars. Also judging by their Kickstarter campaign, Veronica Mars fans have money to burn. Yeah. So they would be somebody we'd want to welcome into the network. I'm not saying that maybe we could get a MaximumFun.org movie going, but if enough people donate, it's definitely something we would have to consider. Can I suggest just this is completely off the dome, so to speak, but maybe we should transition maximum fun to an all fan service network

oh i like that and just have have alien references that will delight the faithful and alienate everyone else how about this for a show bad news guys our show did that about two years ago oh no link to that fat podcast atar the last airbender podcast the last listening thing it's a show about Avatar the last airbender it's all airbender stuff I mean it's about all

but also what about fire and water benders yeah I mean there's some stuff about other benders and honestly there's a little bit of bender from Futurama. All right, that sounds funny. They'll say some funny stuff. And there's a little bit about how you do the illusion of bending steel, if you're a stage magician.

Yeah, I mean, now that I think about it. It's a pretty tight, focused program. It's more of a show about bending. Because we did a couple episodes about going on benders. One was a peyote bender. All peyote. One was ayahuasca. It was all sort of herbal hallucinogens.

Sure. Yeah. yeah i now that i think about it it really was ill-conceived in terms of servicing the avatar the last airbender fan base ill-conceived but perfectly executed that's what every but that's what all the reviews said on itunes yeah i mean it is a it's a beautiful show i hired uh jad album rod to uh edit and score it it's lean yeah it's tight yeah there's a lot but there's but there's these moments that remind you of the artifice like moments where they break the third wall where they say like is my microphone level good enough don't put these headphones on yeah okay don't put these headphones on uh uh don't put these headphones on me to bend this air

does this air need bent do some do some Do some dumb Tai Chi and say some nonsense, yeah? Do we have another call, Brian? Okay, let's take a listen. Say some gobbledygook, yeah? Do some dumb Tai Chi? Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Veronica in Cincinnati calling with a very momentous occasion. calling with a very momentous occasion.

Saturday night when I went to bed, I ended up having a very vivid sex dream about Jesse Thorne. We were just getting it on all over the place. And that in and of itself, I think would be pretty momentous. But even better is Sunday morning when I was lying in bed with my boyfriend talking about the dream, I guess

he got a little bit jealous because we ended up getting down and it was really good. So, Jesse, I think you can now say you are tangentially responsible for me having some multiple orgasms. All right. Thanks. Love the show. Bye. Jesse, you're like human onions.

You're a human onion. You cause men to have boners. I am Thorne, the man onion. And I'm Jordan, a leek. You're good. To be fair, you're good braised. Sure. Yeah, well, very good.

Really wonderful. Braised. Throw me in a crock pot with some orange juice, some soy sauce. Sure. Maybe three pounds of a pork shoulder. Yeah. There you go. It's going to be gorgeous.

Wow. That's amazing. That is amazing. Erica, that is really fantastic. I'm so happy that we could do that for you. Yeah, totally. I'm using the royalty, I guess. I mean, that like something to prove sex is special.

Yeah. You know, it's not, you know, something that usually happens. It's a, you know, it's a, you know. I want Erica's boyfriend to know something. You know, I don't have control over Erica's dreams. Erica doesn't. Freddy Krueger does that. Yeah.

Erica herself. I guess he just enters the dream. I guess he doesn't. Well, maybe he does manipulate it. What are the rules of Freddy? Yeah, he manipulated it. And like Dream Warriors, for example, I mean, that's just mano a mano. Yeah, you're right.

Dream manipulation. Continue. Erica herself doesn't have full control over her own dreams. All you can say is that this dream that she had, you know, it's not necessarily a direct representation of a reality. It's more like a direct representation of an ideal reality for her and myself. Does that make sense? It does. Like, if she and I lay together, it would be...

Biblically. Like an electric storm. Sure. Out over the ocean. It would be... Biblically. Like an electric storm. Sure. Out over the ocean. Something that could thrust three popular comedians into the same body. Exactly. Like that powerful?

Yeah. That kind of power. And Eric, I'm presuming Erica's boyfriend is named Eric by the way. Yeah. They're known as the most confusing couple of all time. Eric, I want you to give your girlfriend Erica three orgasms. She deserves it. Between three and five. But you should just know that you'll never have the electrical power that she and I have together. Sure. Our next call, it's, oh, I had a sex dream about Jordan, then I told my boyfriend. Then we watched three episodes of Battlestar Galactica on Netflix.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's about right. I don't think my wife has ever had a sex dream about me. Let's be real. Justin, do you guys – I feel like this is something that we've gotten from time to time on the show. We've gotten the, like, oh, I'm a fan. I listen to the show a lot and it kind of – sometimes it comes into a dream situation.

Does that ever happen to you guys? A sex dream situation or a dream dream situation? Jordan's just asking. Preferably sex. Can I paraphrase? Would you? Jordan's wondering if you've ever had a sex dream about him. Oh, yeah.

That would be – Aw. Thanks, yeah. That was easy. Thanks, Daddy. Come on. Thanks, Peepums. It's your cat. It's your cat form. Yeah, I'm good. I take the form of a cat.

Form of Morris Cat. Time to suck some dick. It's a foreplay, actually. You're a human, and I'm like, come on, take that skin off. You know what I need. You transform into a cat before my very eyes. And then I need your balls.

K-N-E-A-D. Keep those claws in, dirty. Yeah. Dirty little guy. I had a little manicure. I just want to snuggle you. No, but do people have mabim-bam sex dreams

or just mabim-bam dreams in general? Never in a million bajillion years. Gender, sexual preference, none of it enters into it. We are pansexual in our complete lack of any sort of sexual desire we've ever created in other living people. Perhaps even extending to our wives. perhaps even extending to our wives did you create did you create that child that's growing inside of your wife

through some sort of technological means like maybe a like an onion machine just throw your wife into a crock pot some orange juice soy sauce three pounds of pork shoulder you leave her in there for eight hours.

She comes out nice and pregnant. Good to go. If you have a momentous occasion for us, call it in, 206-984-4FUN. Put it on your phone so that you can call it in when it happens. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. Or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. No matter who you have a sex dream about, as long as it's one of the maximumfun.org personalities, call and let us know. And let us know how many orgasms you had afterwards.

Yeah. Then orgasm into the phone. No, don't do that. No. Somebody pitched their significant other on having a speakerphone on stage when they get married they didn't go for it but i think it's still going to happen i think we're going to have a momentous occasion where we capture the i do from a speakerphone on stage i think we're going to need to have a a compliant man. But your best friend should be listening to this already.

Sure. Or maid of honor. Or a priest. She could hire a speakerphone in that party dress. Get a nice compliant priest who will keep one in the Bible. Yeah. We've got this settled. This is fucking set up.

You know how a rascally kid will put a comic book in his Bible when he's supposed to be reading it? Yeah. Just get a rascally priest. Put a cell phone in there. You got it. Why don't you just put the Bible on the cell phone when he's supposed to be reading it. Yeah. Just get a rascally priest. Put a cell phone in there. You got it. Why don't you just put the Bible on the cell phone? Nobody's the wiser. That's a good look for a wedding, right?

Yeah, just a guy looking at his cell phone, reading the verses. A guy staring at his cell phone. Then he accidentally starts saying fantasy football stuff. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Just a sec. Here we go. Uh, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Justin Hoops McElroy. You know what I was just listening to? The song Basketball by Curtis Blow. That is a good one. My son Simon loves that song. It really underscores how much worse at rapping rappers were at the time. The opening salvo

of the song, basketball is my favorite sport. I love the way they dribble up and down the court. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Jordan, I can't help but notice you have

a beautiful piece of paper in front of you. I do. It's got all sorts of cool gifts on it that you can get if you donate in the MaxFun drive. If you go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, $5 a month, bonus content from all of the shows. $10 a month? You get a MaxFun calendar with all of the hosts as cats.

$20 a month? Morning essentials kit, stack soap, Tonks coffee, a beautiful mug. $35 a month? 35 bucks a month? Come on. Let's do this. Get in there. Let's make this happen. Our goal is 1,500 new donors during this pledge drive.

We really only interrupt once a year. That's it. All the time, people are emailing us. We listen to your entire back catalog. You know what I mean? Sure. That's 500 hours. If you've done that and you don't donate, there's something wrong with your brain.

Yeah, I think so. You're the broken one. Not us. Not me, man. I'm doing just fine. We're doing great. We don't need any attention from anybody. I don't need more shows.

I have a lot of shows, Justin. You gave up one of your shows. I had to give up one of my shows. I had too many shows. I wanted a professional to host the show. You just wanted to prove something to yourself, didn't you, that you could let it go? Do you think what proportion of the audience, Justin, do you think that in this Max Fun Drive, there's going to be more people clicking that their favorite podcast is My Brother, My Brother and Me or more people clicking that their favorite podcast is Jordan, Jesse, Go? I think Sawbones is going to run them both ragged because I got a 50-50 split on that one.

So that's where I've got to lean. Yeah. because I got a 50-50 split on that one. Wow. That's where I've got to lean. And technically that 50-50 split is 50% for you and 50% for you because the other 50% goes to your wife. Right. Well, and the baby gets a cut because she's got to chip in on the house payment. Yeah, baby's got to earn its keep.

How are you guys going to buy a house? You know, in past years, it really has typically been at the top of the pile, neck and neck, Jordan, Jesse, go. My brother, my brother, and me, Judge John Hodgman. Those are the favorites. Is there a way we can team up against Hodgman? I think we're going to have to team up against Hodgman. No, never mind. Let's team up with Hodgman against Mabim Bam. I changed my mind. No, never mind. Let's team up with Hodgman against Mabim Bam. I changed my mind.

Ah, damn it. I think Mabim Bam is going to go ahead and team up with Sawbones. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And what if they pick up the Memory Palace? Because the Memory Palace is the most listeners of any show in the entire network. Hmm. This is a real Alien vs. Predator situation.

You know what? No, this is a Marvel vs. Capcom situation. Oh, my gosh. Dibs on Mega Man. Dibs on Cyclops. The possibilities are out of control. Yeah, jeez. I mean, especially when you count the assist characters.

What's the name of that video game I played where it's like Marvel's Ultimate Alliance? Oh, man, yeah. Why don't we switch this over to a Marvel's, Marvel's ultimate alliance. Oh man. Yeah. Why don't we switch this? Why don't we switch this over to a Marvel's ultimate alliance situation? Okay. So we have Jordan, Jesse go. We're like a good,

we're a good like melee podcast. Right. Like close range. Right. Bruisers. Sure. A Colossus, if you will.

Yeah. A Hulk. Multi-orgasmic. Sure. Exactly. We, we will punch a woman so hard. No,

that's gross. That's disgusting. I'm sorry. Uh, my bim bam punch a woman so hard. No, that's gross. That's disgusting. I'm sorry. Mabim Bam, you're like a mid-range, right? Well, we record from all over the country. We record remotely, so I think it's long distance. I mean, our show is recorded between Austin, Cincinnati, and West Virginia, so we've got a lot of distance on us.

We've got a lot of reach. You're like a Captain America. You've got that shield you can throw. Right. Or Iceman. He shoots ice out of his fingers. That's his power, right? Yeah. We're like Captain America.

From a distance, we'll throw our shield. If you get in close, we're going to whisper some stuff in your ear that you might consider jingoistic. You'll be politically dodgy. You're going to be like Captain America. Your first movie is going to be okay. Then your sequel is going to be weirdly named after a series of public events meant to protest the Vietnam War that were about war atrocities. And you're like, huh?

What's that about Captain America? And then it's like, hmm, I guess I am uncomfortable with the themes of Captain America. And then you're like, I'm going to go back to Iceman. That guy shoots ice out of his fingers. Yeah, he totally does. Listen, donate in the podcast. Say which podcast is which Marvel character. That seems like a fun activity.

What was our slogan last year? Get off your duff? I mean, that's kind of been the perennial pledge drive slogan. I don't think that we've changed pledge drive slogans. It's like a tulip bulb. It comes back every year. Sure, exactly. I think the key issue here is that you're listening to our program.

You enjoy it. I think it deserves a couple bucks. Oh, let's let the slogan be Fastball Special. That's when Colossus throws Wolverine at something. Look, Colossus, it's time to pick up Wolverine and throw him at something. It's Fastball Special time. Pick up your Wolverine made of money and throw him at us. I am so lost, guys.

I just played that one video game like five years ago. You didn't do the fastball special? You can do that in Marvel Women Alliance. Really? Yeah, it's like the funnest thing to do in the game.

Oh, jeez Louise. No, I was mostly Iceman. He shot ice out of his fingers. No, that's reasonable. No, Fireman. Yeah. What's that guy? From Fantastic Four. He's a fireman. He shot ice out of his fingers. No, that's reasonable. No, Fireman. Yeah. What's that guy from Fantastic Four? He's a hunky fireman. Yeah, Johnny

Fireman. Johnny Fireman. I was that guy a lot. Shoots fireballs. With his fireproof pants and suspenders. Just sweating. God, he's hunky. Look, let's fastball special this thing. Go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Now is the time.

Later is not the time. We only do this once a year. You're on your phone. You're at home. You've got a computer next to you. Just do it now. MaximumFun.org slash donate. It's easy.

It's fun. It's fast. You'll get cool stuff in the mail. It's a blast. You'll join a community of people that support the stuff that they love because they believe in it. MaximumFun.org slash donate. Just go ahead and do it now. Festball special, right?

Yeah, right down the middle. Right up the Sentinel's ass. Maximumfun.org. Oh, the Sentinel's eight mutants. Maximumfun.org slash donate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective i'm justin hoops mcelroy it's been a pleasure and an honor to have you on our program hoops i wish i was kidding when i said it's been the fulfillment of a well five to six year long dream

said it's been the fulfillment of a, well, five to six year long dream. Yeah. I'll take it. That's beautiful. I'll take it. Look, as long as it's a sex dream, I'm happy. Sure. Justin, by the way, the host of My Brother, My Brother and Me, along with his two brothers, an advice podcast for the modern era, as well as with his beautiful wife, Sydney, the podcast

Sawbones, about medical history, MaximumFun.org's fastest growing podcast. Did you know that? I didn't know that. It's true. They're doing crazy. If you love Sawbones, pick them out of the list. No, I mean, we'll pick Jordan.

I got a baby on the way. Pick Bullseye. Okay, yeah. You try to pick Bullseye. Don't let Jordan get any of my money. Jesse. Just click Bullseye, and then in the list of shows that you listen to, just click Bullseye. And in the special box, just put, all money goes to Jesse.

Jordan smells. Why would you write that? Fastball special, suck a lemon, Jordan. jordan oh man i feel like a real sentinel right now i can i say something can i say something like mojo can i say something very sincere right now sure can i take a sense is it about the x-men no of course it's not about the x-men i have no sincere feelings about the x-men i sincerely watched that X-Men movie, that most recent X-Men movie on a plane and sincerely thought it seemed fine, but I wasn't that into it.

That's fair. Okay, that's fair. I'll accept it. Here we go. Gremlins. It is an honor to work on something that is directly supported, to work on a creative endeavor that is directly supported by

its audience. It means a lot to me to make something that I really care about and have people say, I want to support this. Not I have to support this, or I've been convinced to support this by some marketing thing, or I know, I'm willing to whatever. Not any of those thousand other things, but rather I choose to support this. And that that is my living is very moving for me. And so I want to thank everybody who supports the show and supports all of our shows at MaximumFun.org because it is similarly wonderful to me that this thing that we built just because, you know, my wife and I needed a way to pay our rent also helps other people who make things get paid to make the things that they make. Yeah, it's nice. I mean I think that in the scheme of entertainment – I mean we have tons and tons of great fans but also in the scheme of things, not a lot of people listen to this.

It is not that popular. Right. It is not that popular. Right. And if we relied on some sort of like corporation to do this or a advertiser or an investor, we just wouldn't be able to do it. It just wouldn't exist. Sure. Totally. And the great thing about internet and about listener-supported and like fan-supported stuff is that like we don't need a million people who kind of like it.

We just need a few people who love it. So, yeah, I think that that's a super cool thing and something I'm really glad to be a part of and definitely like, you know, this thing only exists because you guys love it and because you guys give to it once in a while. So, yeah, it's super important and it's definitely the reason that it exists. Yeah. So that's all. We just want to say thank you and end on a sincere note.

Justin, it's been really fun. I hope everything was okay in West Virginia. I know you've got a pizza waiting for you. A cold pizza now. Thanks a lot for the show, guys. What's on that za, Justin? It's just all onions. I ordered it during the first bit.

So it's all onions. I was going to say, if your wife ordered the pizza, maybe she's trying to tell you something. Yeah. Listen, message received. Hey, what did she dream about last night? Am I right? Almost certainly not me. Justin, it's been a joy.

Thank you very much. Our producer, who gets paid by your donations, by the way, Sonny D., Brian Fernandez, On The Boards, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Two weeks from now, at the very end of the pledge drive, we will be doing a live streaming show to the entire internet. Friday night. You know you're not

doing anything else. No, of course not. DVR Grimm. And then watch our show. Maximumfun.org. All the details. All the details are there. You'll note them when you go to Maximumfun.org slash donate to make your donation. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.