Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 318: Our Own Little Kiss with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: March 24, 2014

Comedian Chris Fairbanks joins Jordan and Jesse for a very special MaxFunDrive episode and a discussion of arena football, Chris' career as a funny dancer, and Jordan's sister's upcoming wedding. Be a part of the MaxFunDrive! Go to www.maximumfun.org/donate.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks. I'm today's guest.

Chris is fucking right in here with us. Now, he's no spring rodeo. This isn't his first spring chicken. Yeah. Hold on. Say that again. I know what season rodeos occur. They're more of a wintertime activity.

Yeah, indoor. Sure. Like arena football. Mm-hmm. Have you ever been to an arena football league game? I know. I haven't. I kind of want to go to see the LA Kiss.

That's what I was about to say. Did you know that Kiss owns one? Yeah. In Los Angeles. No. Yes, that's true. That's real. Kiss owns a football team in Los Angeles.

Please say they all have makeup. Yeah, right. No helmets. Just they're protected by the power of the cat, the spaceman, the star child, and the demon. Wow. Just those totems child, and the demon. Wow. Just those totems protect them on the field. By the way, you really kept up the rhythm of naming all the members of KISS.

I didn't think I could do it, but then I did it. Yeah. That's amazing. I am really impressed. Yeah. Do you know, don't do the new members of KISS, and it's a real shame our friend Jimmy Pardo isn't here right now because we could just turn off our microphones and let him do a 45-minute monologue. But do the new members of KISS have new creatures, right?

I think when you join KISS, when you aren't Gene Simmons or Ace Frehley or the two guys that just stay in KISS, I think you take on the mantle of the guy who left. Really? I think so. Do you have to eat his heart? I think it's like being the Green Goblin. Right? Yeah. And it's also like when you have a cat and it dies, you get a new cat.

Sure. And you name it the same thing. You don't get a different kind of pet. And that's always been their mission statement. Yeah. And I guess that's the cat guy that they're always losing. Wait. Whose mission statement is this?

Kat's. Kat's. Yeah. Kiss and pet owners. Cats' mission statement has always been one in, one out. When one member of Kiss gets out of the house and gets eaten by a coyote or runs out onto the interstate and gets flattened, they just go to the shelter and get a new drummer. I really like the idea of second-rate professional sports leagues. I mean, I do too.

What draws you to it? Minor league hockey. I like the part where they feel obliged to do something to distinguish themselves. to do something to distinguish themselves. So I like the fact that instead of saying, basically, like, instead of saying we should have minor league football, they said we should have football with walls that's slightly shorter and there's no punting.

If I remember correctly, those are the rule differences of arena football. Are the cheerleaders sluttier? Oh, I'm sure they're sluttier. They've got to be, right? But they're also more family-friendly. In a weird turn of events. So all their chants are like math problems and grammar tips?

Yeah, pretty much. But you can see more of their butts. Like Canadian football is longer and skinnier, and Doug Flutie is really good at it. The actual ball is longer and skinnier and Doug Flutie is really good at it. The actual ball is longer and skinnier? The ball is different too, I think, in Canadian football. The ball is a spear.

I don't know. You've got to catch that on the outside, like a clap style. Yeah, like you're catching a frisbee. But all of the people playing Canadian football are First Nations people, so they know about harpooning whales. It's part of their culture. It's just a cultural people, so they know about harpooning whales. It's part of their culture. It's just a cultural thing.

So they know how to catch a spear. Do you like just college sports? I do not like college sports. College sports are bullshit to me because I could just watch professionals play that sport, just people who that's their whole thing. Yeah, that's why I don't understand something like arena football. Because why wouldn't you just watch the NFL? Why not watch the real thing?

Well, but here's the thing. With arena football, I would only follow NFL football. Let's be clear. I don't even follow college football. And I think maybe for some people who follow college football, it's because clear. Like, I don't even follow college football. And I think maybe for some people who follow college football, it's because they went to a football college.

Sure. Yeah, I guess I kind of get that. I mean, it's seems dumb, but I mean, I understand like just being a Buckeye for life. It is dumb because usually you're you're voting for an area that you're proud of. But none of the play, every athlete is made in California or Texas or Florida or something. And then they just move to that area and wear the clothing. So you're just rooting for laundry. Like no one is from, no one on the Boise Broncos is from Idaho. But people have a lot of pride. They'll get all in your face.

I think you've just discovered a legendary Jerry Seinfeld bit. Really? Yeah. I think it may even involve the line you're rooting for laundry. Okay. Well, if that is the case, it is one that my father adopted. It is one that my father adopted because my whole life, as far as I can remember, which would have made it a Seinfeld bit from when he was a teenager. Do you think it was your rooting for laundry?

Let me ask you this. Do you think it's possible Jerry Seinfeld heard your dad doing that bit? On the radio in the Bay Area during that four-year period that he dabbled in it? Yes. Yes, I do. Your dad was like a disc jockey? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah. He was a disc jockey in Monterey. Oh, in the Monterey Bay Area. And he would sell jokes to comics. He had a whole list like, oh, Shacky Bernfeld and Monty Nolder. The only Borscht Belt comedians. But Pauly Shore's dad was one of them. Nolder and The only Borscht Belt comedians But But Pauly Shore's dad Was one of them

Some of the best Borscht Belt comedians In the entire Monterey Bay area Do you guys want to Make up fake names For fake Borscht Belt comedians I'll start

Grip Steenberg I'm just going to Leave it at that Okay yeah yeah Dusty Crosswinds He's more of like That guy sells That guy sells blankets Out on the interstate Yeah I'm just going to leave it at that. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Dusty Crosswinds. He's more of like- That guy sells blankets out on the interstate.

Yeah. Well, unsuccessfully. I assume Dusty Crosswinds was some sort of fartiste. Like a guy who gets up and farts along with a song? Yeah, sure. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-fart-fart. Yeah, exactly. Only shanties.-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- for the people who aren't the absolute cream of the crop. So I don't get a lot out of college sports, for example. Certainly not high school sports or some other.

Yeah. However, if you're going to go to a sporting event, I like that the stakes are so much lower. Like, look, the sport I go to the most events of is probably baseball. But since I moved to Los Angeles and I hate the Dodgers, I don't go to that many baseball games. So baseball can be reasonably affordable, Major League Baseball, although it's gotten very expensive as everybody's built a fancy stadium. But I feel like who goes to a decent seat at a basketball game costs like $250.

Yeah. For whom is that possibly worth it? Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like that is like three tickets to a Broadway show, he said, in an analogy that revealed his true character. I think like part of the appeal of those minor league sports is just assuming that all the players burnt out in some way

and that's why they're not professionals. Maybe that should be, when they're introducing all the players, it should be like, Tim Johnson playing this position. Cocaine. Just say what they burn out because of. Well, that is ultimately the thing that you want. You either want weird rules like Arena League football that make it a free for all. No one exactly knows how to play this game.

They've all trained their whole lives in playing real football. But now they've been thrown into football with walls and they're just and they all have to do a synchronized dance to Detroit Rock City at some point. Yeah, yeah. All the rules are improvised as the game goes along. But ultimately the thing – They have to do a shot at a certain point. The thing you really want is you really want some old dudes to be involved. some old dudes to be involved.

You want... My brother-in-law went to an independent baseball league game in Sonoma County or something and saw... I want to say it was... Oh, it was Bill Spaceman Lee who was a pitcher for the Expos and the Red Sox, I think, among other teams.

And his career ended, I'm going to say, in the mid-'80s. The Spaceman. A missing KISS character. Yeah. And he's still pitching in semi-professional baseball, has a barnstorming team. He's 65-ish. Oh, wow. Or you want to see, like, Tony Phillips, who used to play for the A's.

He was like a player manager, I want to say, on an independent league team for a while there, but was still struggling with cocaine, as you mentioned, and got arrested for beating up an opposing player on the field. got arrested for beating up an opposing player on the field. Like Kevin Mitchell, one of the heroes of my youth, played independent leagues when he was about 35 or 40, but he kept having foot problems because he was so fat and diabetic. Let's go.

Like this is what you want. You want to see some 42-year-old who didn't plan his finances right throwing slurves and Ephus pitches. That's what – and you paid $5 to get in and there's a special $10 all-you-can-eat hot dogs. Maybe that's it. It's just a cheaper ticket. That's what I'm saying. Lower stakes.

I think that there's something to be said for rooting for the lower level just because it's more relatable. Like sometimes I like watching – I really do. I like watching the amateur skate contests because they aren't so good that I can't even understand what they're doing. Here you're talking about roller skating. The Tampa Am. I am, of course, talking about roller derby. Sometimes, you know, the top roller derby, it's so hard to even. Right.

Sure. I mean, they're playing at such a high level. See, that's the thing. I roller derby. I'm not sure. It doesn't quite meet my expectations. It's in a weird gray zone between performance and sport that doesn't do anything for me. There's not enough nip slips for you.

Which there would be in arena football. Right. All the nip slips that you would want. You're thinking of lingerie football. I am thinking of lingerie. I'm thinking of the puppy bowl. What is it about an amateur skateboard contest? Six of them.

Six whole nip slips. Oh, a mid-game feeding of the puppies. I love this game. Do you like about amateur – watching an amateur skateboarding contest that you think, oh, I have pulled off a double loogie spin? That is it. Yeah. At my peak, I was a young person and then things like college and brain stuff got in the way.

Responsibility I'm worrying about. Realizing early on that I wouldn't be good enough. I'm – Is there – like when you watch one of those at a – is there a certain point where you're like, I could have beat this kid at this age? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's why it's relatable.

How do you guys feel about celebrity pro-ams? Like the Rock and Jock b-ball jam? Exactly. Exactly. That is exactly what I'm talking about. I one time watched a golf tournament and it was Michael Douglas and the kid from Sixth Sense. Haley Joel Osment.

Was this at the peak of his? And Kenny G. He was a kid, yeah. He was very serious. It made me love Michael Douglas forever because every time someone would sink a putt, he would lift them in the air and dance around with – him and Kenny G were acting like children. They were high-fiving.

They were on each other's shoulders. They were picking up that kid and it made him very uncomfortable because he was never – he was robbed of his youth. He doesn't enjoy playing. Sure. Right. And he sunk a putt. It makes him uncomfortable.

He feels like he should be memorizing lines or practicing for a Twix commercial. And his father was there and they shook hands like business associates do. It was really – Well done, son. I love you. I love you too, father. The check is in the mail. May I sit in my chair now?

I love you for your work has satisfied me. And that will drive you to drinking. Thank you, son. I got to quit my job as a real estate guy. His dad's a robot now? Yeah, he's a robot real estate agent. Thank you for letting me retire from human real estate. This house has many outlets where you can plug yourself in.

I mean your appliances in. Ha ha, why would a man, which is what I am, plug himself in? Mades are. Oh, good. I see. And then he gets jet packs. Ignites. His jet feet.

Oh, robot real estate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks. Today's guest. My dad was in radio.

So here's what we're kind of laughing at. Is that before we started taping, I said something about my extended family. And Chris said, do you mean your family members who have had penis extensions? I just, I forgot. I remember now what extended family means. But you didn't at the time. No, no. I like to use the phrase non-nuclear.

Hmm. Yeah. It seems more complicated. Yeah. And also it seems like a lie. Isn't that just like an adopted child or a third kid or? Right. Yeah.

Or just some neighborhood. Two dogs instead of one dog? Exactly. Or the dad's not around? I don't know. I grew up in a perfect family. No, classic. Congratulations. Picket fence.

Everything was in place. Great. I'm really happy for you, Chris. Everyone was loving. Game of catch in the yard. Yep. A little round of poke and tickle. Oh, wait.

Maybe things weren't as great as I thought. I was molested. Oh, my God. Guys, sounds like there's darkness hidden behind those white picket fences. Hold on. I have to call David Lynch. I have an idea for a movie. Several movies.

Hey, it's MaxFunDrive time here at MaximumFun.org. 50 weeks out of the year, we give you everything that we do for free. Two weeks out of the year, we interrupt your programming just a little bit to ask you to help support the production of all of our shows. We'll still buffer the interruptions with penis jokes, though.

Yes. Of course. We'll ease you into them. Yeah. What happens in... Buffer bookend. I meant to say bookend. In a penis extension,

they don't add something to your penis, do they? It's like a tube. I think that you, there are people out there with a little like Reebok pump. Mm-hmm. You know.

Really? I just wanted to make that relatable because we all have those. Sure, we're all wearing them now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. And then, yeah, there's an apparatus

that has been installed. I'm wearing the knockoff British Knights inflato shoes, but- Right, yeah. Sure. And then, yeah, there's an apparatus that has been installed. I'm wearing the knockoff British Knights inflato shoes. Right, right. You got BK inflatos? Yeah. Them's some dope joints. BK flates? They're okay.

It also explains your crooked penis right now. Yeah. Yeah, they put a pump in there. Oh. Like it would be a penis pump, but it is surgically installed. I don't think that's real. I don't think it's very popular anymore. Yeah, it seems gruesome.

What would you say was the golden age of the penis inflation? The golden age? Was it the Gilded Era? I would say. The 1870s through the 1890s? 88 to 92 was the golden age of dick extension. Well, what else would a penis extension be? I, I, what I.

Clay? What I'm imagining. Like a silicone, like a silicone pack? Yeah, like a tube. And then they like, it's one of those things where they take skin from some other area and add it to the area around the tube. So. I think.

Now this doesn't make sense as I'm describing it. You have to do it from the base because the head of the penis is the most important part. So you have to cut off the tube. So now this doesn't make sense as I'm describing it. You have to do it from the base because the head of the penis is the most important part. So you have to cut off the penis. Maximumfun.org slash donate. And put as sort of a platform, right? Yeah. It's funny. We all simultaneously crossed our legs.

We were imagining things being inserted into our urethras and then inflated. I know that there are old men, maybe not now. They've all died off. But there was a pump, a hand pump. And it was your penis filled with air. Eighty seven to ninety two. You said that was a golden age of this apparatus. Just like Timex Social Club. Exactly.

And swatches. Yeah. And the Bill and Ted movies. Sure. That happened around then, right? Everything that you're hearing right now is supported by voluntary donations from listeners like you who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Our goal is at least 1,500 donors during this 11-day period that is our MaxFunDrive. We are already well on our way.

As we record this, we're only a couple days in, and we're at just about 500. And we're recording this way before it goes out to you, the audience. And not only do you get the satisfaction of knowing that you gave and supported the thing that you love, you also get access to now more than 40 hours of bonus content that we have accrued, accreted? Yeah. Accreted. Collected like barnacles.

We've accredited them. Yes. We ran it by the state college board. And there are thank you gifts like the $10 a month thank you gift, which is an 18-month calendar, Thank you gift, which is an 18-month calendar, each month of which features a different program's hosts painted in watercolor as cats. Oh, wow. You're making that up. No, it's a beautiful item.

I want to see it. Thanks to the gifted painter, Megan Lynn Cott, who was kind enough to paint these for us. It's probably the most amazing single thing anyone has ever seen ever. And you can get it just by supporting all of MaximumFun.org at $10 a month. I want to support now. Just for the calendar? To get the calendar? Yeah. You know what?

Why don't you put your paycheck from this towards a donation to MaximumFun.org, Chris? I think I will. I think I will. I'm just excited to hear about this paycheck I didn towards a donation to MaximumFun.org, Chris? I think I will. I think I will. I'm just excited to hear about this paycheck I didn't know about. MaximumFun.org. It is just a check with a zero written in the line. It's what we call a taunt check. Here you go.

We've been working so hard to grow the shows that we offer you and bring new shows into the fold. I'm sure that you love MaximumFun.org because you're listening to this pledge drive. If you listen to Jordan Jessico or Bullseye, think about whether it's worth something to you that we do this show every week and give it to you for free. Because I think when we hear from people,

it sounds like people really care. Yeah, this is definitely, I mean, all the shows at Maximum Fun, if you support at a medium level, it's definitely cheaper than like a month of cable it's cheaper it's less money it's less money than you pay for espn on your cable bill whether or not you watch espn yeah and so i mean and there's how many max fun shows are there we're talking about i think it's 13 or 14 there you go well if you're listening to to some

of those or all of those this is definitely you know it's a good bargain on obviously on how much money you make. But you're looking at $20 or $30 a month just from the time you spend watching commercials. Or if you're buying for $2 an episode in iTunes or whatever, you're still – you're looking at $10, $12 a month in spending on second-run programming. Here at MaximumFun.org, all of our shows we give to you for free with very minimal commercial interruption because we want you to love and enjoy them. And now is your chance to support them. Just go to Maximumund.org slash donate. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I'm Chris Fairbanks. I'm today's guest. Chris, I got to tell you, I know that you've had a mustache for a while, but it really suits you. Oh, thank you. You really look excellent with that mustache. Oh, thanks a lot. Do you find yourself more castable, more bookable now that you have the mustache? Have you seen your bookings go up? I don't know if this will make me seem like a person that isn't genuine.

That's the only reason I have it. Really? Yeah, it's for the purposes of – for some reason stand-up's been easier. Everything because you're the mustache man. Audiences treat me differently. No one heckles me anymore, and I think it has everything to do with the fact that cops also nod at me when I make eye contact. I mean it's a very copish mustache that you have.

It's like a classic. It's just a classic four-inch domestic. Can I tell you what you really look like to me is – Please say Tom Selleck. Please say Tom Selleck. Sorry. Tom Selleck would be – Start pumping up your penis, Chris, because Jesse's –

Tom Selleck or the alternative version of Tom Selleck, which is a gay man in a piece of erotic art from roughly 1980. I'll take it. Those are some handsome men. Yeah. Those are good-looking guys. What is that called? We've talked about that before. Tom of Finland. Tom of Finland.

Tom of Finland. Do you think Toms of Finland and Toms of Maine have ever talked about a merger? I mean, it seems like it would be great for both companies. I mean, I use Toms of Maine toothpaste. Sure. And when I'm looking at the tube, I'm like, oh, this is a nice little scene they have. Right. But it should be two.

I think I would rather it be two biker guys with penises the size of their arms. I can just brush up and enjoy those gentlemen. Enjoy those gentlemen with their thick, thick penises. Brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush. So, yeah, I mean, I absolutely kind of know what you're talking about. I mean I auditioned for a lot of commercials and like a couple weeks after I auditioned, the commercial will be on TV and I'll get to see who got it. And it is almost without fail just a guy who kind of looks like me but with a beard. Yeah. I think that seems to be like the – that's like some sort of truism in commercials these days. If a guy with a beard is doing something, it's funny.

Right, and I don't – there's something I'm less threatening. Not that I was threatening before, but it is something to do. I notice a huge difference like right away. Whereas I used to have to work for 10 minutes getting people to like me and not think I was a smart ass or – I don't know what it is. Something about my look. It's an aesthetic thing. But it seemed to ring true with most audiences and now it's less work. And, yeah, I get more callbacks.

I hate talking about – I feel like I don't like the person that is talking right now. But it's me. Well, also you have that nice little side business giving the rides. Yes, yes, of course. Five cents. Put it in the slot. But yeah. But I think it genuinely looks good.

It's not that you're – My butt. My butt cracked. You slide it. It's like a credit card. Yeah, like an ATM machine. You slide it through the butt and then you ride. So you're basically an Atlanta stripper but with nickels?

Yes. I mean it generally looks good. I mean I feel like sometimes when a comic will do something to himself, like just give himself some sort of affect. Yeah, for that reason to make themselves more castable. It looks weird or like they look like they're trying or they look like they're in a costume. I think your mustache genuinely looks good. I don't know, Jordan. I feel like you're talking a lot of mess about those guys for a guy who recently got a Morgan Freeman earring. I just – I don't know.

I just wanted to feel young again, you know? Do you have an earring? I don't. And it's a Harrison Ford earring, thank you very much. It's a different old guy earring. The Morgan Freeman is a diamond. The Harrison Ford is a hoop. I like it.

You're wearing headphones. I thought maybe you got an earring. I got really excited. Yeah. But I mean I notice – I mean same thing here. I notice that I do better at stuff when my hair is longer. Yeah. So I mean and it is – when it's hot, the hair makes my head hotter.

Sure. And it definitely, like, takes a long time to dry. There are drawbacks. So it's, yeah, it's definitely inconvenient, but I do notice that I do better at stuff when it's longer. Have you thought about an assisted dry, like a blowout? Yeah, maybe a Brazilian blowout. Is that something? I find that with the mustache, I can no longer make eye contact with women under 30.

What's because you're constantly licking your lips? I can't. I'm toying with it. Nom, nom, nom. Do you have mustache-related – are you comfortable now, like, doing mouth things with the mustache? It isn't until I see myself, whatever, on YouTube or, that I am playing with it a little bit much. I'm biting it. I find it goes into my mouth when I'm eating things.

That was hard to understand. Yeah, it goes into my mouth when I'm eating things. Oh, I see. You know what I mean? Like, it's right here. This bit right here at the corner of my mouth. Have you thought about just coating it in, a little layer of like a sriracha? Because then you're adding flavor to whatever you're eating.

And that's a pretty universal condiment. I like that on a lot of different stuff. You're suggesting that I use it as a sort of flavor saver. Sure. Have you ever thought about using it, eating with like a kind of a swiping technique where you're dusting your cookies as you eat them. You could strain some soup through there. By the way.

These are all things someone calls a mustache. I'm glad you knew cookie duster. Yeah, yeah. The latest plan for fusion power, as I understand it, is to get a guy with a beard coated in sriracha to move to Williamsburg. Because then people will just rub their food on his face. It will implode. Sure. Yeah, I mean, it'll definitely—

Create a never-ending source of free power. Yeah, it definitely combines their two main interests. What's going on with you, pal? Well, we're recording this podcast a little early. We usually record on a Saturday. We're recording midweek because my sister's wedding, which we talked about a couple months ago,

is this weekend. So that's happening. So I'm kind of prepping for that. Are you the maid of honor? I'm the flower girl. I'm very cute. And what I'm going to do is I'm just... But you're going the wrong direction!

No! This way, this way! And then I just dump out the basket at the end because I still have some flowers left. And then I cry and run to my mommy. That would be like a grotesque sketcher video to make. Just a grown man doing flower girl shit.

For a living. Yeah, for a living. Like, oh, I'm for hire flower girl. That's right. I'm in my mid-30s. I have my own dress. Yeah. I like it when the flower girl cries and runs to mom.

That's fun because they're not used to being up there, you know? Right. Maybe that'll happen this weekend. Oh, I don't know who the flower girl is. Yeah. Interesting. I guess I don't know a lot about – I guess I've been kind of hands-off this wedding. As we talked about, I am the de facto wedding DJ.

Can I guess who the flower girl is? Sure. I mean, take a... Miley Cyrus? Well... It's 2014, right, guys? Yeah, yeah. I mean, she is all over the place. She's everywhere you look. Yeah. On the internet. Lord? TV. Yeah, Lord. I think Lord would be a good

flower girl. I know. She'd probably cry and run to her mommy. Too mopey, though. Yeah. Mope through it. So, yeah crying right to her mommy. Too mopey though. Yeah. A little mope through it. So yeah. But it's interesting. We were talking last week on the show about I have to go to Miami to do a job and it's going to require me to kind of after the wedding is over just drive to the airport and get on a – like a red eye so I can do the job the next day.

This job sounds very shady. It does. I know I'm talking – You're going to Miami to do a job? Right. A red-eye flight. Is it a job in kneecaps? It's a job that requires my rectum to expand a little bit.

Oh, say no more, please. And save cocaine in it. Oh, I said more. I said more. Say less about it. I'm doing the press junket for Rio 2. Oh, fun. Which is a computer animated movie about-

Are you back on The Daily Habit? Yeah. Sorry, Chris. Wait a minute. Fuel TV is back. We didn't ask you to come back. How did I get left out of the loop? No.

You know, I've done one of these already, but they're like little interstitials for TBS. Oh, cool. Very funny. Very funny. We should explain. For people who don't know, Rio 2 is a prequel to Rio 3. Thank you, Jesse.

I'm sorry. I sometimes get into my Hollywood lingo. Sure. This is a computer animated movie aimed at Latino children from what I can gather by having seen the movie. So, yeah. So I'm going to Miami to do that. And so I guess because I will have to get in the car and drive for an hour after the wedding is over, I guess I can't drink at the wedding.

I have to have a sober wedding, which is the first one of those I've had in a while. Especially your sisters. You want to get a little sauced. You want to get housed. Yell at Auntie Carol. And you're going to have a lot of, I imagine that you'll have, I don't know the size of this wedding, but you may have extended family in town from out of town that you don't see a lot. Yeah, yeah.

We have the extended family from down south. I say that because they're from the south and also they have the penis extensions. Yes, of course. Of course. Yeah. So, I mean, maybe it's for the best, though. Like maybe just being kind of sloshed around my extended family won't be fun. I guess I've never been one of those guys who like has a drink with the family.

So, yeah, maybe it will be more in line with what I'm used to. the family like i guess i so yeah maybe it'll be more in line with what i'm used to i'll tell you that um at my wedding which i had a wonderful time at my wedding and i i don't drink so i wasn't drinking uh my dad what talked to me a few days later because there were some people in my quatery that were so drunk that he was sincerely worried about them. Like he wanted to know if they were healthy. Oh, like he thought their hearts were going to give out? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Or that maybe they were running from something. They were running from some sort of emotional demon. Yeah, exactly. And they just happened to make a pit stop at my wedding. Yeah, I mean getting plowed at a wedding is really, really fun. I mean everybody is just in such a good mood. It's like a heightened costume party almost, you know? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. So Chris, how you seem like – I feel like just hearing about your dad, it seems like you guys have the kind of relationship where you could like throw back a beer. Is that something you do when you go home? Yeah, you're right. But for a long time, like in my 20s, I didn't.

Yeah. But then all of a sudden, yeah. Now that you're in your 50s. Now that I'm morphing into him as a human, I think that I pretty much do whatever I do around him. Now we're all thinking that I would masturbate in front of him. That's not what I meant. And maybe I'm the only one that thought that

and shouldn't have voiced it. It's a good chance to show off your post-extension penis. Hey, Dad, just like yours. You also get some good distance with the ejaculation. Oh, no. Just a bit too far. All supported by your donations at MaximumFun.org slash penis extension. Yeah, I drink with the pops.

Sure. When I go home, I almost feel like he offers me too many beers. Yeah. How many beers are we talking about? Every day. One a day? One beer a day? Dad, it's 3 p.m.

Shouldn't we wait until after dinner? Oh, do you think he's maybe just happy to have a drinking buddy around? Yeah, yeah. He's just happy to have me around. What's the context for this? Are you at the Arena Football League game? Because that's a place. When am I not?

If there was ever a place for a 3 p.m. beer, I mean. Oh, yeah, absolutely. No, just in the basement. I am absolutely serious about going to see the L.A. Kiss, by the way. Are you? Yeah, totally. I'm so into going to see the L.A. Kiss, by the way. Are you? Yeah, totally. I'm so into going to the L.A. Kiss. Brian, you want to go see an Arena League football game?

Chris, you want to go see an Arena League football game? I'll totally go there. Great. Done. Yeah. We're definitely going to see an Arena League football game. Sure. Hopefully when they play the Chicago Chicago's, we can go.

we can go yeah but I guess I'm I guess I'm a guy too like I'm uncomfortable around dancing like sober like when people are dancing and it's kind of implied that I should dance it is really uncomfortable when I get kind of near black I don't think it's a good idea

so I'm worried about that I'm worried about being around dancing for several hours and just feeling weird about it. Well, just be glad that you're not married because it's not implicit when you're married. Oh, sure, yeah. When you're married and sober, there is nonetheless the – not just the assumption but the explicit command that you will be dancing at the wedding. I have like four weddings i'm going to this summer i for some reason i'm having my like age 26 summer at age 32

you know i i i'm absolutely having wedding summer this i think i'm having wedding summer too um and i uh i am just looking at this i am looking at what's coming up for me and realizing, oh, right, I will have to dance stone cold sober repeatedly over the course of this summer if I don't want my wife to leave me. Now, there's two kinds. You mean with a partner, the partner being your wife, doubles, like where you have to have some knowledge and lead and know where your feet are going. Well, we're not – I'm not going to a quinceanera. I assume you're salsa dancing. Am I wrong to assume that? Okay.

It's not going to be – Chris, he's going to a holler. Oh, okay. I've been down to those. Those swamp weddings. Isn't it a wedding? Swamp wedding. I'll dance on my own.

I feel comfortable. I feel like you're comedically dancing. I've seen you dance and you're pretty good. I mean, yeah, there's definitely a funny bent to it, but you're graceful. Right, right. There's a comedic bend to my moves. Funny dancing, the peak of my funny dancing career was when I was seven. was when I was seven and I went to Grace Cathedral in San Francisco and did a funny dance during when the Archbishop Desmond Tutu,

Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu, said that everything in South Africa was expressed through dance and everyone should dance right now. And they put on some music and I did a funny dance. And he complimented me on my funny dance. Oh, congratulations. Wow. Thank you. Oh, that's international. But it's all been downhill from there.

It's like getting an Oscar nomination at 13. Then you just fall apart afterwards. So you're like the Cuba Gooding Jr. of dancing. Exactly. Not that he was 13 when he won his Oscar, but early in his career and now. And now where can I go? Sure. I think we're about to make another Haley Joel Osment.

Yeah. Reference. Yeah. No, comedic dancing was so much part of me in the beginning of my comedy career that people in Austin when I started doing stand-up, people were saying, why don't you dance at some point in your act? It's really funny when you dance. Because that's something stand-up comedians do. I backup danced for – when Howard Kramer is – before he was called Dragon Boy Suede, he was just doing – I can't remember the first character name for that. But I would just be the backup dancer, Automatic Flavor.

And I would dance in the background and I got big laughs. I'm like, this is easier than anything that comes out of my mouth. I broke my arm backup dancing. How did that happen? I got up on a stool and did a diving worm. So it totally made sense. I dove off a stool onto a wooden ground surface. Somebody called that

a floor. And yeah, my arm hurt for weeks and I finally got an x-ray and they said, you have a crack in your... Did Howard Kramer pay for that? No. Did that floor pay for that? Yeah, I hit that floor with a jackhammer.

Sure, I fucked that floor's wife. A naughty pine. Yeah, sure. The wood floor is married to a linoleum floor. Yeah, you know what? But a waxy linoleum floor. Stop doing that to my mustache. A little sweet and sour on there, right?

Yeah, yeah. Did you have some McNuggets before you came? I did. I did. Yesterday. I haven't showered. Enjoy. You pick the music, though, right?

Because you're the pseudo DJ, right, Jordan? Well, kind of what's going on with that is that something my sister did on her wedding invitations was to, on the RSVP, there was a line for name a song that gets you on the dance floor. So she's like compiled these in a spreadsheet. And so she's been making kind of these playlists and I think that like the wedding party is kind of helping her. So I think these will be pre-made and I just have to hit play. Oh, that's easy then. Yeah.

I think these will be pre-made and I just have to hit play. Oh, that's easy then. Yeah, I think so. I would not like the pressure of trying to come up with music that I think is universally enjoyable to everyone. I can't. I'm bad at that. That was – yeah, I definitely was feeling that pressure before the spreadsheet came my way. Like do you start with Cool and the Gang's Celebration or do you close with it? I think you every – just every ten minutes. OK. Or do you close with it?

I think you every – just every ten minutes. OK. But no, I mean I'm prepared to like – I think I've thought about this enough to where if the spreadsheet is not enough and I suspect that maybe it won't be. I think I can kind of fill in the gaps. I think I can kind of – I feel like I've made some Spotify playlist that can fill in any gap. So yeah. That's where you'll slip in your screeching weasel. Yeah, exactly. I think people will.

I'm looking at this playlist and there is a lot of Fugazi on this playlist. I mean, I think what people will like about it is that it's authentic. Right. And they'll love the like DIY element of it. Right. I guess I just, it's not that I'm against Fugazi, Jordan. Yeah. I have nothing but love for Fugazi.

Sure. I just, I just don't know if, also this Beethoven one. Mm-hmm. I understand that it's technically. I mean, you want to do songs people know. I know it's. You don't want to go into deep cuts. You want to hear dun, dun, dun, dun.

I know it's, this is technically a minuet. I just don't know how many people will be doing the minuet in this particular wedding party. I should also say that the Screeching Weasel playlist is late period Screeching Weasel, so it's more produced, which I think is more— It's a little more refined. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot going on. They have like a—you know, it's a more robust sound. I see.

Which I think is better for dancing, frankly. I do. The one thing I do like is this segment that is dedicated to the high period of penis extensions

that is just all Timex Social Club. Yeah. Well, and if you look, if you've schooled out further, it's just the soundtrack to Bill and Ted's

Bogus Journey. Including Kiss's version and special versions for that movie of God Gave Rock and Roll to You. Oh. Yeah.

What did they change? I think it's just more, like, awesome. Gotcha. It's, like, better. It's not like, God gave rock and roll to you, Bill and Ted. And death and stations. And the other characters from that movie. Can I ask you a question?

George Carlin. George Carlin. What would happen if... George Carlin was in those movies, wasn't he? As the telephone booth operator. Sure. What would happen if I watched Bill & Ted and Bill & Ted 2, respectively? Bill & Ted 1, you would go, what a cool movie.

They don't make them like that anymore. You could never get away with doing a weird high concept teen movie like that and then Bill and Ted you would go

this shit's crazy Bill and Ted 2 Bill and Ted 2 Bogus Journey so yeah that was my experience re-watching them a couple years ago

but yeah not not unenjoyable I think one is a pure you would purely enjoy but two it's just like wow what I think one is a pure, you would purely enjoy. But two, it's just like, wow, what? I think that was a situation of, yeah, Bill and Ted 1 was a huge success. Do whatever the fuck you want to.

They're like, I'm going to play chess against the devil. Yeah, and then a horrible nightmare Easter bunny is going to chase you through a flashback dream. Yeah, very weird movie. I think it's safe to assume I have not seen. I mean I know I haven't seen The Bogus Journey. Yeah, Bogus Journey is very weird. I remember seeing the first one and I just realized I kind of jumped the gun in hating Keanu Reeves because he's pretty good in that. Yeah. But I remember not liking him then.

What did you not like him in? I guess I – that's maybe the first time I was aware of Keanu Reeves. Would you not like him in? I guess that's maybe the first time I was aware of Keanu Reeves. That's basically all that I knew about Keanu Reeves until The Matrix came out. Sure, sure. And he kept doing that character. I know, everybody.

Point break, whatever. Shut up. Don't email me. I was like 12. That's a prime agency point break. No excuse. Parenthood. Parenthood.

There you go. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, I mean, I think that definitely, like, is a case for Keanu Reeves being one of those problematic cases where it's like, is he great or is he awful? Like, because he is great in the Bill and Ted movie. Yeah, yeah. So funny, like, clearly aware of what he's doing. Yeah, aware. Like, so much better than Bill. Yeah, he's aware.

Not that Bill isn't good. Alex Winter is a talented man. Yeah. Anyway. Look, we're not here to put down Alex Winter, Bill, from the Bill and Ted movies. Why would we? Bill S. Preston Esquire? Absolutely not.

We're just saying that we prefer Ted Theodore Logan. We support all the members of Wilde Stallion. Was Wilde Stallion just two guitars? Yeah. No drums. Oh, no. The princesses played the drums and the keyboards. Yeah.

They inherently knew how to do that even though they were from the olden times. Sure. Well, you know, they – But does Wild Sally not have a bass player? It's like Slater Kenny. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Anyway. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. Oh, I didn't like that one.

You didn't like how you said that? Yeah, I didn't like it. You want to say it again? Say it again. Do you feel like you sullied your father's legacy? Yeah, I think I... Radio professional. And I'm Chris Fairbanks.

Today's guest. No, I thought I liked the first one better. Ah, man, you're right. First one was more loose. Yeah, yeah. The second one was forced. Kind of late period screeching weasel. Yeah, yeah.

Not at all robust. More produced. More produced. Yeah, a little too shiny. Yeah. You know, I want you... Let's get some grime on that, you know? I want you to be like Michael Douglas or Kenny G out on the golf course.

Having fun, lifting up children, eating pussy. That's what they were doing. That's what Michael Douglas was doing. Oh, yeah. A pack a day. Yeah. Think about Michael Douglas, like, thinking he got, like, lip cancer or something from eating too much pussy. That's still funny, right?

There's a follow-up where he's like, I didn't really. Yeah. I'm sure he didn't really. I mean – Like a promotional thing. No, yeah. I mean that was clearly him not understanding science. Yeah, yeah.

I've eaten more pussy than Will Chamberlain. I was listening to a podcast, the Combat Jack podcast recently. They were interviewing Russell Simmons, who's going to be on Bullseye. And so I just wanted to get a sense of what he's like when he talks, you know. And my friend Dallas Penn

from the Internet Celebrities, I think you've met Dallas before, haven't you, Jordan? So Dallas is on one of the panelists on this podcast. And they're talking about pretty serious stuff. And at some point, Dallas just says to him, Russell, you eat pussy? And Russell Simmons says, abso-fucking-lutely. And I was like, hey, good for you, Russ. Yeah. Is he from a generation that maybe doesn't eat pussy or eats less pussy? I think there's some question among over 30 hetero African-American gentlemen whether you're going to eat pussy.

Well said. Well said. I've gotten nervous. But there is, yeah, it's an unspoken thing. But it's like a... It's a question. Yeah. Depends on how enlightened you are. Right.

Re-pussy. Sure. Re-pussy. I just have... I never felt like it was an option not to. Right. It's like this is just expected. Oh, it's my go-to move.

Sure. Yeah. It's one of the best ways to stimulate a clitoris. Right. And when you're a young kid and you're worried about using your penis at all. Yeah. It seems safer, too. Sure. Yeah. It's one of the best ways to stimulate a clitoris. Right. And when you're a young kid and you're worried about using your penis at all. Yeah. It seems safer, too. Sure.

Yeah. You could get in penis trouble. Yeah, right. Now, you might get that mouth cancer that Michael Douglas got. Sure. Or facial AIDS. You might get that Michael Douglas mouth cancer. Yeah.

But, you know, at least you're avoiding other forms of VD. Right, right. Those ones I can handle. The ones on your face. It's Max FunDrive time. Yeah. Why don't you eat our pussies financially? Can't be the slogan for this year.

Are we too late to do a new slogan? Eat our pussies financially. Do you guys act more dirty when I'm on? I feel like that I don't, I'm not. Our show has gotten so vulgar. What's happening with us? I mean, I think it's just a situation where it's like,

you know, we need to keep the, we need to keep the energy up. You need to keep it novel. It's what excites us. Sure. I'm not like the, here's the thing. I don't remember the last time I said something really vulgar in my day-to-day life. I do. You do?

Yeah. I feel like this is a more genuine expression of myself then. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. I'm not not vulgar. Yeah. But I do get a kick out of allowing that part of myself to fly on this program. You know, if this program makes your heart fly,

remember that it's supported by donations. Okay, we talked about the thank you gifts that everyone who signs up for a monthly donation, $5 a month or more, gets access to the bonus content. You know, I've been, speaking of bonus content, I have been getting a ton of messages on Twitter and Facebook from people saying they love our bonus episode with Rhea Butcher that we did. You know what?

I have too. Yeah. I think it was a great episode. I think that that alone worth the price of admission. And it's actually one of a number of bonus, Jordan, Jesse, go bonus episodes that we've recorded over the years. Oh, yeah. So if you're a new donor, you're going to get to hear all those.

Yeah. I do believe that in the past I've been on. Oh, yeah. Chris, you were on maybe either last year's or the year before. Yep. There you go. Didn't we do a great one with Karen Kilgareff? I think Eliza Skinner was last year's.

Eliza Skinner was last year's. There's tons of good stuff. Yeah. Lots of great stuff. At the $20 a month level, you get our, what's it called? The Start Your Morning Off, right, Kit? Oh, yeah. A mug, some Tonks coffee.

The morning essentials, Kit. You get the MaxFun Rocket mug, which is actually a really handsome mug. It's difficult to explain the handsomeness of something on the radio. You're just going to have to take my word for it. Some Tonks coffee from our friends at Tonks. Some Stack Soap from our friends at Stack Soap. Plus, of course,

the calendar and the bonus content. And at the $35 a month level, you get all of that stuff. Plus, on top of that... It was extended like a penis. A 1988 penis. Plus, on top of that, you get the highball glasses,

which are etched with the Max Fun Rocket logo. No words. These are classy glasses. You can have somebody over to your house. You're making a highball. Get them in those glasses. Set them down. They're not going to look at it and be like, oh, great. It says K-Rock on it. You know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about. Yeah.

Were you the fifth caller to Kevin and Bean? Yeah. Yeah. Who are you, though? These come with some red hot chili peppers tickets. Seriously, though, thanks for making me a cocktail. I'm a real cocktail guy. I'm an ungrateful idiot.

Yeah. Who's this friend of yours? Yeah. He's awful. He's a romantic interest. He's not just a friend. He's a romantic interest. Yeah. I'm trying to fuckateful idiot. Yeah, who's this friend of yours? He's awful. He's a romantic interest. He's not just a friend. He's a romantic interest. I'm trying to fuck this guy.

Yeah. We're trying to get at this dude's extendo-peen. Why else would you be feeding him highballs in the morning? You listen to Drive Time Radio. And, of course, if you are somebody who wants to really support our shows, you can really kick in at the $100 or $200 a month levels. That's Jesse's Golden Eagles and Jordan's Platinum Angels, respectively. At the $100 a month level, you get a membership in our Culture Club, which gets you a hand-picked cultural gift every month in the mail from one of our MaxFun hosts. A book or a CD or a movie or something else cool like that.

And it's a $200 a month level. You not only get all of the other crap, but you also get a ticket to BoatParty.biz or MaxFunCon if you prefer. I'll be on BoatParty.biz. Yeah, we're looking forward to BoatParty.biz. It's going to be fun. I can't wait for Bo on boatparty.biz. Yeah, we're looking forward to boatparty.biz. It's going to be fun. Can't wait for boatparty.biz. I can't wait for boatparty.biz. Yeah.

I can't wait for boatparty.boat. Yeah, how long have you been working on that website? It's a passion project. I feel like boatparty.boat is – that's something that Kevin Allison invited us to. Yeah. That's not something that we created. Anyway, you know, everything we do is supported by people like you. And when you donate, here's how it works.

You tell us what your favorite show is. You tell us what shows you listen to. And your donation is apportioned along those lines. 25% of it goes to your favorite show is. You tell us what shows you listen to. And your donation is apportioned along those lines. Twenty-five percent of it goes to your favorite show. Seventy-five percent of it is split among the shows that you listen to. It's pretty much that simple. And, you know, you are essentially donating directly to the artists whose work you want to support. And I think a lot of people couldn't be doing this if they weren't getting paid to do it.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, definitely speaking for the other like, you know, comics and comedians who do shows. Yeah, definitely. Sometimes work is plentiful. Sometimes work is scarce. And, you know, you donating makes it so, you know, we can make doing our shows a priority even when, you know, there's other things to do. So, yeah, it's definitely a big reason why the show comes out consistently.

And the reason it's been continuing so long is because people support it. So you can go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Our thanks to the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people who have already done so. All the people tweeting about it with the hash drive, with hashtag MaxFunDrive. You can check out what people have to say. And, you know, all the folks who've supported us for many, many years. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Drive, Friday, March 28th at 7 p.m. Pacific, 10 p.m. Eastern.

Don't pretend like you have something better to do. Can I suggest a stunt? Yes. For the live broadcast. Yes. Let me know what you think. It's just something I've been meaning to email you about. Right. But maybe I thought I would just bring it up here.

Yeah. That way if I don't like it, I can cut you down on air. There you go. Yeah. Make me feel real bad about it instead of a politely worded email. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what the marker would be. Maybe it's like every fifth donation or every tenth donation or every segment, like just at certain intervals, whether it's within the show or it's something that's happening with the donations.

Hold on there, Jordan. I think I know where you're going with this. Every segment or every ten donations or whatever, we go to an Arena League football game. That's right, and bring the whole audience with us. We bring the cameras. Wait, why would we? That would be really expensive. No, just us.

Yeah, but it's more. Okay, yeah. Then we go to, you got it. Yeah. The LA Kiss versus the Florida Hearts. They're all named after butt rock bands, right? Yeah. Okay.

The Detroit Motley Crue's. Is Heart butt rock? Yeah, I think Heart's butt rock, right? Sure. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Anyway, I know that's a broad term. Anyway, Addison.

They're probably one of the most credible. Oh, absolutely. I don't, I don't, I mean, I like a lot of Kiss songs. There's some good butt rock out there, but it is what it is right yeah i'm just not i don't mean that to be a pejorative term yeah even though it is anyway i mean it's it is on its face pejorative it defines a genre of music by the part of the body best known for poop at a certain interval, I will chug a different disgusting malt beverage along the lines of the Bud Light Lime Arena. And will people bring these for you? Yeah.

I mean, it could be something that like the fans supply, the people coming to see the show. Fans supply the people coming to see the show or, I mean, you could send an intern out to various Hispanic grocery stores. Right. Or liquor stores. Right. To get like the Bud Light Rasburita. I should be clear. I hate these.

This is something that I think is disgusting. People think – But the people – People associate these with you because you've called their attention to them. Yeah. You've brought these into the awareness of the nation as a paid spokesman for the Limerita Corporation. Yeah. But it's not that you enjoy ingesting them.

No, they're gross. Yeah, they're disgusting. Yeah. But because I think it's something that people enjoy, and definitely it's something I get a lot of on Twitter every time a new malt beverage is released, whether it's through the Bud Light Lime label or some other – But you're just a paid spokesman. Just to be clear. I'm just getting paid to talk about this awful, disgusting product.

A parallel, if I might. For many years, Joe DiMaggio endorsed the Mr. Coffee brand coffee maker, baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. endorsed the Mr. Coffee brand coffee maker, baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. But you don't see Joe DiMaggio, when he was alive, eating Mr. Coffee brand coffee maker. Right. Exactly. It would be almost inedible and dangerous. Almost inedible. So at a certain interval, I will chug another malt beverage.

I like that. Yeah? Yeah. And by the end, I'll just be incoherent. Well, yeah. I say let's do it. Great. I like watching you eat and or drink gross stuff.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Friday night, 7 o'clock Pacific, 10 o'clock Eastern, live at MaximumFun.org, streaming with video on our website. Hey, when something momentous happens to you, our listener, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN. For momentous occasions, we've got a couple calls here. Let's roll the first one out. Jordan, Jesse, Mr. Gutenberg. I have just had a momentous occasion.

I'm driving back to work after getting some lunch to enjoy my delicious cheeseburger. Behind me is a gentleman on a very tricked-out Harley-Davidson motorcycle, chrome, black, lots of leather, lots of class, lots of distinguishing features that distribute this guy as a badass, if you will pardon the term. Right, so ahead of me at an intersection waiting to cross is a... His dad has Alzheimer's, then it is. section waiting to cross is a mid thirties. I would say on,

Oh, probably a old Schwinn frame bicycle. All tricked out the front fork extended the back tire dropped banana seat, uh, sissy bar, the works, you know what I'm talking about? No,

we don't. What are you, uh, confidently sitting there astride his Schwinn bicycle. I look in my rearview mirror because I want to see these two gentlemen experience one another. Is he just reading out of a David Foster Wallace book? Jesus Christ. I was overjoyed to see the person on the Schwinn look with all pride at the gentleman on the Harley-Davidson and waved, gave a very high wave to be noticed,

and the dude on the Harley just shook his head no. That is all. Well, I mean, that's the toot you've got to expect from a Harley rider. Yeah. That's a typical Harley toot. Is there a way before you play these calls to look at the, is there a time signature on them? Like to see how long it takes. Just in case it's five minutes.

The only problem with that call, I would say, is that it did exceed our length limit for a TED Talk. Yeah. A little too long. Although it did encourage me to finish my novel. Yeah. A little too long. Although it did encourage me to finish my novel. Yeah, that's true. But pluses and minuses. Yeah. Okay.

Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Ko, and possible guests. This is Mike in Delaware with a momentous occasion. in Delaware with a little bit of vacation. This past Saturday, I was at a local park, and it was 55 degrees, and a guy had his shirt off, which I thought was unusual, but I guess people are ready for spring. But just now, I was driving home from work, and I passed two more people with their shirts off, and it's 55 degrees. So I'm not sure what's happened in Delaware, but three dudes without their shirts on at 55 degrees is... I'm not sure if it's momentous or stupid, but there you go.

I mean, you know, it's a mixed bag. Yeah. Yeah. Bath salts. Maybe they're on bath salts. No, they could be. Yeah, they could be crazy guys. It could be a meth situation.

Could be itchy. Yeah, maybe they're going to like a polar bear club or something. I guess it's not quite cold enough for a polar bear dive. Do you think it could have been deer ticks? Could be. Yeah, sure. Rob Deer Dick? Yeah.

Rob Deer Tick. Wait, is Rob Deer Tick? Yeah. Rob Dyrdek. Wait, is Rob Dyrdek? I mean, this whole thing is- Is that a tick named after legendary tiger slugger Rob Dyrdek? Yes. I mean, or ridiculousness host Rob Dyrdek. Oh. Yeah.

I mean, this sounds like a video. If this was videoed, it would be hilarious enough to be on ridiculousness. I mean, three shirtless guys in a row. You know what they say? Like, one is an isolated incident, two is a coincidence, three is a trend. Maybe it's an omen. Do you think I should take off my shirt right now? I mean, there are three guys in here.

One, two, three. I mean, do we want to signal to this guy that he's about to die? That's going along with the omen principle. Yeah. Do you guys just want to come over to my house and watch a DVD of The Omen? Yeah. Is that better? We can not wear shirts.

This is the Lee of Shriver, Julia Stiles version, by the way. It's not the 70s classic. Can we just come over to your house and invent our own kiss characters? Oh, yeah. Should we go in makeup to the kiss game? Interzise our own kiss? Okay, that has to be done, yeah. Oh, I want to be the viper.

That's just... Yeah, that bullet in the chamber. I know. A little forked tongue coming out. One day archaeologists are going to uncover a stash of Jordan Morris' sixth grade binder. And they're all going to be Viper themed. Yeah. My favorite car alarm. What are you guys' Kiss characters going to be?

My initial feeling is the donkey. It's a powerful animal. It can kill you with a kick. The brain donkey. Hee-haw is his famous catchphrase. On his solo album, The Big, because every member of Kiss did a solo album. Sure. the big because you know

every member of KISS did a solo album sure the donkeys his famous song is hee haw and then parentheses love you all night long

I guess I'll be the rabbit because of the Chinese restaurant we can't all be animals aren't they all oh only one's an animal the kitty cat

who else what is the rest of them I mean I think like you could be like the phantom the buccaneer, the mountaineer. Do you think it's possible that when Johnny Depp conceived of his character for the Pirates of the Caribbean movie, he thought he was just in a reboot of Kiss? Oh, man. I bet Johnny Depp

would join Kiss in a fucking second. Like, he would quit acting for years if he could just be, like, the touring bass player of Kiss. I guess Gene Simmons

plays bass. I don't know. He could play a second bass. Can I be the carp? I mean, I guess another animal, but... Oh, and I'm not supposed

to be an animal? I mean, I just think we have too many animals. I can switch from the viper if you guys want to. You seem like your heart's really set on the viper. No, I'm not.

Like, I'm not, you know, one of these guys who just gets married to something and harps on it. I'll be the harp. Would you be upset if you were a harp and I was the viper?

You could be the viper. Can I just be the viper? Can I take yours? Sure. I want to be the viper. All right. Can I be the Viper. Can I just be the Viper? Can I take yours? Sure. I want to be the Viper. All right. Can I be the tornado? Yeah, that's good.

I like it. I like that there's a natural, like an act of God in there. That's pretty good. And we each have our own decorations, right? Sure. So I would wear a hat shaped like a tornado. Is that right? Yeah.

It's like a wizard hat. Yeah. People might mistake you for a KKK member. Well, it would be an upside down KKK member. Oh, okay. So it's like swirling out of the top of your head? Yeah. It's swirling upwards?

Yeah. I thought it would be like a downward tornado. Doesn't a tornado hit the ground on the small end? Sure. And the sky is the big end? I was just thinking practically how it would be an easier hat. Well, I mean, we have costume designers. This is Kiss.

Oh, okay. Wire reinforcements around your chin. No, you're right. I'm sorry. Chin strap. This is going to be like a legendary situation. We can get hat experts. Yeah?

Like a hat blockist? Yeah, sure. A hat blocker? Yeah, sure. A hat blocker? What's the long-running show in San Francisco that's famous for its hats? Oh, yeah. Hollywood Babylon?

Beach Blanket Babylon. Yeah, we'll just get the Beach Blanket Babylon guys on it. Right? They'll build me one of them NATO hats. And all this work is so we can attend the arena football game. Right. And impress those slutty cheerleaders.

I changed my mind. I want to be the Great Lake. Okay. Yeah. To represent your whole state of Michigan. Yeah. Well, just to represent America's natural grandeur. Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah. I'll be the Teddy Roosevelt. Should I be the Grand Canyon instead? No, that's what you call the cheerleaders, huh? Oh, yeah, that's right. Check out the Grand Canyons on her. Could we each be a natural feature of the United States of America? Or beyond.

I want to be the Big Dipper. Oh, the Big Dipper. Oh, the Big Dipper. Yeah, yeah. Because your hat's shaped like a ladle? No, just my whole body. It'd be like a constellation. Oh, okay. Like you're the night sky, like looking at you is like looking at the night sky.

I'd be a black netard with balls on it, stars on it. I kind of like that. So here's what we got so far. I'd have a beach blanket Babylon hat. Fairbanks would be covered in balls. And Jordan, you'd strike like the viper. Yeah. Wait, are you named after the viper, the animal, or the viper, the auto security system?

That's immediately where I go. Yeah, I think I should be a car alarm. Right? And instead of cheering, I'll just go, wham, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. Eww, eww, eww. Eww, eww, eww. Eww, eww, eww. Football, football.

Sorry. I think that was the exact order. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Football. I think that was the exact order. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. No. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the NATO. I'm Jordan Morris, the Viper. And I'm Chris Fairbanks, the Big Dipper. Ah, it's fun. We're having fun already. We're our own little kids. Can you imagine the first time we see somebody get tackled into a wall?

Oh, it's going to be amazing. This is going to be a blast. I hear they have a like a t-shirt Gatling gun. It's not just one t-shirt but it's a no I don't know that they have that but I suspect they do. I bet they have a juiced up t-shirt gun. Right? Isn't that something they probably have at arena

football? This whole thing is you just fucking with me. No. I mean, I suspect they have that. Doesn't it make sense? Doesn't it make sense? It went from I heard that to I suspect that. And next thing you know, it's going to be I have confirmed that they do not. Sorry, guys. Sorry I got your hopes up for a t-shirt Gatling gun.

You know, I mean, that's what I get for relying on the Viper. A consistently unreliable animal. The deceptive Viper. Let's not forget your snake. The deadly deceptions of the Viper. Okay, look. The MaxFunDrive is only two weeks long. In fact, it's not even two weeks long.

It's 11 days long. This is the only time all year that we ask you to do this. This is your opportunity. Now is your chance to reach for the sky, grab the golden ring, put it in your mouth, verify that it's gold like a prospector. Then sell it at one of those cash for gold places. Wait, is the metaphor breaking down? Or just weigh it and sell it on eBay. Oh, yeah.

You'll get a better price than at the cash for gold place. I think. I mean, I assume. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, there's the hassle of shipping and stuff. But, you know, sure. It's just one of those things. I would say priority signature required.

Mm-hmm. Because it's going to be a sizable ring. Anyway, grab it. Yeah. Either way, however you decide to – Dispense of the gold. Withdraw it from your PayPal account. You're going to get paid on PayPal.

You sold it on eBay. Once you got that cash in hand, why did you – number one, why did you take it out of the bank? You should have just left it in the bank. Yeah. I'd say open an account. Call it your MaxFun account. Because it's only going to be $10 a month that's coming out of there. You don't want to have to worry about it.

Yeah, just automatically have a buck every month go in there, and then by the end of the year, there's your donation. Yeah. Automatic. The truth is that MaxFun account, just based on interest alone, if I understand how interest works correctly, you'll have enough money for $10 a month. Sounds right. And then you'll have this fucking calendar.

Yeah. If you sell this calendar on eBay, not available in stores. Oh, yeah. These calendars are going to go for a nice nut. You're going to become a very – in fact, can I make one last suggestion? Please. For the price of one of these calendars on eBay, think about the number of Beanie Babies you can get. They're coming back.

Charlie Seahorse. Debbie Platypus. Nuts, the soccer squirrel. Green Bear. Blue Bear. Orange Bear. Patriot Bear. Puce Bear.

Tickle Me Bear. No, that's just one I had. So many beanies. Hey, you know what's nice about the Max Fun DriveDrive you know what I really like about the MaxFunDrive is that it's a fun time where people are saying on the internet how much they like the shows

and how much they support the shows because usually when you look on the internet are either shows it's just people saying you know how you got something wrong or how you're racist or something like that. The internet is mostly complaints is what I'm saying. Yes, right.

The internet is a hub for complaints. But it's great that there's a time of year where people are just going on there and saying how much they like the shows. It's great. It feels really terrific. It's great. It feels really terrific. Yeah. And I am always very touched that we get to earn our living as entertainers not by keeping something away from you but by giving something to you. And that we are – that that act is reciprocated by folks who say, yeah, I'll pay for that.

It's nice. It's delightful. Yeah. So go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. And don't delay. Do it now. Watch us live on the 28th. Bring weird drinks for Jordan. Yeah, bring weird bachelorette party drinks. Tiny cans only. How many do you think I can get through?

I don't want you to do more than six. Yeah. Right? Six seems pretty. Let's do something to where it cuts off at a certain point. Right. How many do you think you can do?

I don't think there's a lot of alcohol in those. Maybe there's a lot of it. I'm just worried about you taking in that much sugar. Sure, yeah. You know, you don't want your ankles to swell up. That's true. I'm probably going to get diabetes from this pledge drive. You're going to be the new Kevin Mitchell. Oh, yeah. You know, you don't want your ankles to swell up. That's true. I'm probably going to get diabetes from this pledge drive. You're going to be the new Kevin Mitchell.

Oh, boy. I think you could do, I think you could, we cut it, we got to cut it off at eight. Yeah. I don't want you drinking. And we definitely are cutting it off at ten. I mean, eight, yeah. Ten, definitely. If we do more than a dozen, then I am out on this whole thing. Sure.

24, forget about it. There's no way I'm drinking that many. A case? Yeah, a whole case, maybe. Yeah. Sure, you can drink a flat. Yeah, I could probably drink a Costco-sized flat of Rasburitas. A whole pallet.

Yeah. Just, look, as long as it's a- I'm going to slam these two. I'm not going to sip these. Size flat of raspberries. A whole pallet. Yeah. Look, as long as it's a – I'm going to slam these two. I'm not going to sip these. As long as it's a small truck, I think you can take care of it. It'll just be a hose that I connect to my mouth. Connected to the city's slime-erita supply. They'll run it right over from Budweiser HQ.

Do you think that's something that robot real estate agents suggest to his clients to improve the appeal of their property? Have a tube. Central Limeritas. This tube will provide refreshment that we humans love. Okay. Look, we're acting stupid, but please. It really is how we make our livings. So go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and do it now.

Our thanks to Brian Fernandez, who is paid by virtue of the fact that you donate to support this program. He's paid to be here this very moment. Our friend Chris Fairbanks, who's not getting nothing. That's quite all right. He's not getting penny one from us. I get camaraderie, friendship, and free parking. Maybe you can plug something? That's a nice getcha, gotcha.

The old plug. I will be in Denver. Well, I'm in Denver this weekend, but that's too late. Well, I enjoyed Denver. Well, this might – I'm in Denver this weekend, but that's – Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, I enjoyed Denver. Yes, yeah. You can just tell everybody in Denver you enjoyed the shows.

I'm doing a series of casinos in Wisconsin that I haven't thought much about and I'm not sure of the dates of. Great. Well, if you live in the great state of Wisconsin and you're not fishing right now, you should be looking up Chris Fairbanks' casino dates. When I don't have much going on, I just tell people to go to my Twitter. Add me on Twitter. I don't have any Twitter followers, man. What the heck? Get them. I follow you on Twitter. Yeah. I mean, friends do. I have plenty of friends on there. Are we friends?

Yeah. Oh, that's great. Of course. That's because we're going to that football game together. Oh, I can't wait. I want to plug that football game. Yeah. The L.A. Kiss.

Every day. At the Staples Center? Where does the L.A. Kiss play? What are you just at all? Carson City? It won't be at Staples Center. No. What are you at?

Chris Fairbanks? Yeah. Yeah, so people should follow you there. There you go. It's probably going to be at the Great Western Forum. You got to figure the football game is going to be at the Great Western Forum or possibly just a rec center somewhere. It's also like a rec center in Inglewood. They'd say they rope off an area at a TGI Fridays.

And you're allowed to throw wings at the players. Yeah, they catch them in their mouths. Honda Center. Honda Center. A Honda Center? That's made up. That's not even a real center. It's like a Honda dealership.

That's so funny. That's a legit place. You can get an element there. You want to pick up a nice element or a fit? That's the thing of arena football. One player gets to drive an element. That's a good thing it has that easy to hose out interior. Oh, sure.

Okay. We've had a lot of fun. Go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. And thank you, thank you, thank you to all the folks who have. We appreciate it so very, very, very much. You guys are the absolute best and we are so grateful for you.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.