Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 320: Hand-Pumped Jam with Graham Elwood

Episode Date: April 7, 2014

Comedian and podcaster Graham Elwood joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the movie Pompeii, Anne Hathaway and Jesse's run in with a mysterious man known only as Johnny Westlake.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a beautiful spring day here in Los Angeles. I'm disappointed. I've had to switch. I'm in the midst of my annual clothing rotation. Where are you at now? I've got a big, you know these kind of clear storage containers that you buy at Costco?

Mm-hmm. You know, with the hinged lids? Sure. I got a whole one of those full of, like, shorts. Mm-hmm. But I've, and I haven't taken any of them out yet. But I did put all my linen shirts in my shirt. One. In my shirt closet.

So I guess here's the real question is, what are you going to wear to watch WrestleMania this weekend? Well, I have a whole thing of torn yellow shirts. Sleeveless torn yellow shirts. That's not a problem for me. Yeah, I mean, I have, like, you know, unitards. So you have like classic wrestling wear throughout the ages.

Oh, yeah. And well, my preference, I'll tell you what my preference is. It's like a Greco-Roman. If I'm in the... By that I mean nude.

If I'm in... You like to watch WrestleMania naked, right? Well, if you don't count the olive oil. I, I, You like to watch WrestleMania naked, right? Well, if you don't count the olive oil. I like to wear a singlet and a high boot. And my singlet has horizontal stripes like a Victorian bathing costume.

Oh, okay. So you're... This is a woolen singlet. I mean, if I could draw a comparison to a wrestler, a famous wrestler, this would be a Bam Bam Bigelow type outfit. Our guest, by the way, who is a man who apparently is a big Bam Bam Bigelow fan, just very excited by that. He is literally vibrating with excitement to talk about Bam Bam Bigelow fan. Just very excited by that. He is literally vibrating with excitement to talk about Bam Bam Bigelow.

He is the host of the Comedy Film Nerds podcast, a stand-up comedian of some renown, Mr. Graham Elwood. Hello. Graham, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm so glad that you're here to talk with us about Bam Bam and all of the major wrestlers of the 1950s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. I'm a big 1950s wrestling fan. Yeah. I like – Handsome Honus.

I don't know that that was an actual 50s wrestler. But for making up the name of a fake 50s wrestler, I think Handsome Honus was pretty good. It's like the salami captain. It just seems like that would be. That's a current gay wrestler. If I ever mentioned the time I went to an estate sale. I went to an estate sale in San Francisco. I used to go with my mom all the time.

That sounds like the beginning of an old-timey gay joke. You know what I mean? Like, what did you get at the estate sale in San Francisco? I got a fa-fa and a boom-boom. A bad case of the hmm-hmms. The thing about a Chinese estate sale, an hour later you want to go to it again. It seems like one of those old-timey – I'm sorry. It's like one of your grandpa's racist jokes.

Yeah, one of your grandpa's racist jokes. What do you get when an Italian and a Chinaman go into a – whoa, grandpa. You're like, whoa, this is about death? This is about the redistribution of people's things after they've died? Grandpa? Yeah. Can't this just be about a dumb hunter who shoots the wrong thing? Sure.

An invention a Polish man came up with. I went to, it was a gay estate sale. It was an estate sale of an elderly wrestling coach who was also gay. And I knew this because he had a huge volume of things that – of what they call ephemera that was stood on the border between wrestling-related and gay pornography. And this was... A lot of overlap in that Venn diagram. This was mostly from the 1950s and 60s. That was like a Rod Serling Twilight Zone outtake. And then starting like late 70s, early 80s,

it just slid all the way over into gay pornography. Like clearly he had had a full... But he had wrestling trophies and stuff. Like he was a real wrestling guy. But it just made me think like if you're, if it's 1955 and you're gay and you're into short, muscly guys. That's what you. You know, just coach a wrestling team.

It's awesome. Yeah. Right? Yeah. team it's awesome yeah right yeah um oh hey on the topic of gay stuff muscle stuff and greek stuff uh graham i i've been wanting to graham take off your shirt and roll around you're a muscly man around in this salad with feta right we want you to help sell an estate sale right um you were nice enough to ask me to come on your Comedy Film Nerds podcast. The premise of this show is that comedians talk about movies that came out that week.

Oh, I know where this is going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you asked me to come on, and the releases that week, I think, were that kind of Kevin Costner Taken movie. Yeah, Three days to kill. Three Takens to kill. Pompeii, which is Gladiator with a volcano. So I chose Pompeii over Kevin Costner Taken. I bought my tickets, and I also said to some friends,

I know that this is probably not a movie everyone's running to go see. I don't want to see this by myself. I'll buy if anyone wants to come see Pompeii. I'm so sorry. No, no, no. On me. So an hour later, you're like, oh, there's been a problem. We have to change plans.

We'll have to do it some other time, which is understandable. Happens a lot in the podcast game, something I'm used to. We've canceled on people. I'm not holding a grudge, but I just kind of. I've been holding a grudge on your behalf. You have. Thank you. We have something to talk about. I think you're you're holding the grudge on having to see Pompeii.

I just I just like wanted to like I didn't want that viewing to be in vain. I just wanted while you're here just to be able to share my feelings about Pompeii. I don't think it's in vain. You learned a lot about history. Sure, yeah. I'll tell you what. Whenever you come back on Comedy Film Festival, you will talk about Pompeii. Okay, yes.

I guarantee you. Well, man, I think I can get it. Because no one saw it. This was a failure of a film. Yes. I think I can get it all out of the way here. So if I come on in the future, we can talk about another movie. Sure.

Because I just want to get it out on the table now. Okay. So here's my thoughts. Pompeii isn't very good. Anyway. All right. Let's get on with the. Sorted that out.

Not a very good film. I will say there did seem to be in my, like a gay workout club who all went together. So I can like, Did they like it? They seemed to have a good time. Yeah, yeah. They were doing some hooting and hollering,

which kind of made it more fun, I think. When you go to a movie like that and you're like, I know this is going to be dumb. You're watching it and you're like, yeah, this is dumb. And there's some contingent in the audience

that's just like, just fucking loving it. Afterwards, they're like, and they have that buzz as they walk out of the theater. Like, yeah, that was right. You know what? Yeah, that was a good two hours. That was fun. Afterwards, they're like, and they have that buzz as they walk out of the theater. Like, yeah, that was right. You know what?

Yeah. That was a good two hours. That was fun. No, I like that scene where he, what, where the volcano yelled at him? Like, what are you talking about? There's a lot of stuff that makes, there's a lot of times the reaction to the film can make you really uncomfortable. I remember going to see a preview screening of what's a popular film that made Zach Galifianakis an international star? The Hangover.

The Hangover. I went to see The Hangover and I enjoyed The Hangover. It's a funny movie. And walking out of The Hangover, I could immediately see the worst people in the world like high fiving each other and grabbing their dicks. And I was like, oh, no, this is everything is ruined around me. They've they've they missed the point of that film entirely. Jesse, now you know what the vibe is. Now, I mean, that's the exact vibe I got in, you know, around 1996 at some early Blink-182 concerts.

Uh-oh. This isn't going to end well. Whoops. In Pompeii. Yeah. Let's get back to Pompeii. Oh, sure. We can talk. This is important.

Yeah. Let's leave behind all these other unimportant things and focus in laser-like on matters of consequence. The most forgettable movie of the year. Right. Is there a love story in Pompeii? There is a love story, yeah. There's a star-crossed lovers. He's a slave played by Jon Snow.

Jon Snow plays a slave from a horse tribe. Jon Snow, we should explain, is the name of a character from Game of Thrones, which is the only way you would know the actor from Game of Thrones. Right. Oh, sir. Does it do my... I know that it did from the trailer,

but I'm sure it does my favorite thing of it. So it's ancient. Pompeii was, I believe, Italy, right? Or was that Greece? I think it's an island. It's like a South Pacific island. It's a South's an island. It's like a South Pacific island. It's a South Pacific? No, it's not a South Pacific island.

No, no, no. That's 1,000%. It's in Italy. It's a Roman era. Yes, it's Italy. Guys, I was a little drunk in Pompeii. I'll be perfectly honest with you. So it's a place that the Greeks are occupying.

Right. So the Greeks are occupying, but it is in ancient Italy. Sure. And they all had English accents? Could be in Greece. Oh, there were a lot of accents. That's my favorite part of Hollywood. Like, hello, it's ancient Italy.

Hello, I'm a caveman. Blimey. Kill a pterodactyl. Yeah, just anything other than modern. Just give them a British accent. Hello, Caesar. Like, oh, okay. Would you get a load of that lava falling down everywhere?

Oh, Genghis Khan. It's as if we thanked Zeus. Just anything that isn't, it's ancient and foreign, they just put an English accent on it. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you got Jon Snow and his steamy eyes. Yeah. What is he? Are we talking about, is a class distinction keeping them apart?

So he is a member of a horse tribe, a horse riding tribe that is conquered by the Greeks. Perfect. This is also the one from Game of Thrones? Yes, exactly. Yeah, this is all in the Game of Thrones universe. Same horses? Yeah, same horses. You'll recognize some of the horses the Game of Thrones universe. Same horses? Yeah, same horses. You'll recognize some of the horses from Game of Thrones.

Some of your favorite horses. That's why you tune in for this. Yeah, so, and he is, and there's kind of a cool scene at the beginning where they kind of slaughter his tribe as a child. Sounds cool. And the child version of him hides under a pile of dead bodies, and you kind of have to claw his way out at the beginning. So they're just stealing- In 3D. Scene for scene from Conan the Barbarian.

That's what they're doing. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Does he push a big wheel around until his legs get big? Yeah. Bridget Nielsen is involved. Oh, wow. James Earl Jones is a snake charmer.

There's a scene where he learns to box by punching carcasses in a walk-in freezer. This is every movie. Every line. He's a fisherman and the other guy is like, we're going to need a bigger boat. Yeah. Okay. Perfect. Yeah.

So he is sold into slavery, sold into the gladiator arena. So this – I mean, see, if he was sold into slavery, that's a pretty significant, takes on weighty social issues as well. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of like, I mean, I could really see a lot of our modern situation in the movie. Like you can tell it's one of those, you know, the past is the present kind of things.

Would you say that it compares well to, say, 12 Years a Slave? Oh, I mean, like... How dare you put those two things next to each other in a sentence i will say that it made better use of 3d it had better 3d fireballs yeah than 12 years a slave and i think it has the edge there that's why 12 years uh you know didn't win as many awards and they did a little better i know i know they would have gotten the best adapted screenplay if more fire

balls had just the other day i was having lunch with Steve McQueen. The director, Steve McQueen. Yeah, I looked him. Director of 12 Years a Slave. I was having lunch with the late action star, Steve McQueen. Oh, good, good. That's what I was thinking, the guy who drives the race car. I was having lunch with the director of 12 Years a Slave, Steve McQueen.

I looked him straight in the eyes and I said, you've got to get your fireball game together. You know, those balls are weak. Sure. It's not going to. Barely. They're more like musket puffs. Yeah. I mean, I think 12 Years a Slave coasted on the charms of Chiwetel Ejiofor.

Which are prodigious charms. They're coasted. 12 Years a Slave. This is the best conversation ever. I think you've been waiting all day to use musket puffs. You got some of those at the gay estate sale, right? I think you woke up and said- I wrote that down in my mole scheme.

Say musket puffs. Somehow. Okay. So in Pompeii, he's sold into slavery and he becomes- He becomes the- You know what happened to Russell Crowe in Gladiator? That happens to him. God, so they just took Conan and Gladiator and.

Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, the base, then base, and he, there's a, there's an, like an African slave who he befriends. Oh, okay. Like in Gladiator. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and then, so he's, so he's in love with like the senator's daughter. The senator played a nice, a nice turn by Jared Harris. Which senator is it?

Can I guess? Lindsey Graham? Yes, it is. Yeah. Lindsey Graham? Yeah, the junior senator. So yeah, and then during the last gladiator battle, which, oh God, Kiefer Sutherland is also like the main evil emperor guy.

And he is doing the weirdest voice. I mean, his kind of ping pongs between Irish and all the other European accents. Russian, sometimes he sounds like a czar. Like Mrs. Doubtfiery. Yeah, yeah. It was a run-by fleeting. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It was a run by feeding. Yes, exactly. So, yeah.

So first question. This is just sort of a general question. Did this movie have one single original thought or idea or frame or was it all just from everything else? He at one point, the Jon Snow character, Mercy kills an injured horse. That's from Conan. Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien. There's a scene in Conan the Barbarian.

He punches a horse out. Oh, okay. Okay, no. Then no. That was all. That was it. Graham, in all sincerity, when was the last lava movie you saw? I would have to go.

When we're talking about lava movies. Ooh, when was the last lava movie? Wasn't one of the mummies that had a lava theme? Oh, it did. That's true. One of the mummy movies had lava. The third mummy movie had some lava.

You call it a moomy. Yeah, a moomy. A mummy moomy. Well, I was moved by the third mummy movie. That's what you say before you go on stage off-Broadway. Yeah. I was moved by the Mummy movie. Moved by the Mummy movie.

The tip of the tongue, the teeth, and the lips. Ah, Brendan Fraser. Brendan Fraser. Musket pups. Musket pups. Musket puffs. Musket puffs. So in the middle of the final gladiator battle, the volcano explodes.

No. Yeah. Spoiler alert a little bit on Pompeii, huh? Oh, sorry, guys. Oh, I'm going to get shit on the internet. Oh, fuck, I was about to rent it the thing because the thing about using and this was something that concerned me right away when i saw that there was a pompeii movie i'm interested in pompeii i think it's interesting that they all got frozen in time however being frozen in time is a very boring movie because there's no they don't know they're going to be frozen in time is a very boring movie because there's no, they don't know they're going to be frozen in time.

So there's no buildup unless you're seeing the whole thing from the volcano's perspective. The volcano is a character, much like New York is a character in Sex and the City. Sure. Would you say Jon Snow was sort of a Carrie type? Yeah. He's a real slut. A lot of Appletinis and Pompeii. Yeah, yeah.

They go for cupcakes. Appletinis, tridents, and nets. So, okay. I'll cut right. This major spoiler for Pompeii here. Jordan, all of this stuff you thought was happening in the South Pacific? Yes. Wow.

Were there a lot of swords and sandals in the South Pacific in that pre-before Christ era? Where? Like New Zealand? Yeah. I just thought it was tropical. Okay. So yeah.

Mediterranean, as it turns out. Mediterranean. That's not too far off. Okay. Yeah. Just a tropical island that the Greeks had occupied. I assume they sailed out there. Sure.

Right after they conquered Japan. Yeah, sure. Yeah. They did the Philippines first. But the Greeks invented surfing. So, I mean, this is a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know that.

Look it up. So, okay. At the end, the volcano erupts. The two, the star-crossed lovers are running away. They decide Kiefer Sutherland has been killed by lava uh they decide they're not gonna make it they let the horse run off uh and they they go in for a last embrace the lava hits them final shot of the movie is them embracing encased in lava rock while the camera rotates around them i kind of wanted it to be pull out to a museum

and then like modern people are going, and here you'll see the lovers of Pompeii. Mommy, Daddy, why are they holding each other? Because theirs was the greatest love of all. Wouldn't it be awesome if the last shot was all exactly the same, only their fucking doggy style? Yeah. But then you have an old guy, and they steal right from Saving Private Lyon.

Am I a good man? He collapses in front of it, cries, and his wife comes over. And then they fuck doggy style. Yeah, and then they fuck doggy style. And Pompeii, bring it, yeah. I don't know. That's the closing theme song. It's that theme, closing theme from Pompeii.

Pompeii, Pompeii. Yeah, you got the lava. Pompeii. Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. They fought for the horse and they let it go. And now they're living like Jon Snow, Pompeii. African friend. It's nice to see It's nice to see

Nickelback is still working That's where they got Their gig Is you guys Nickelback Where you can't get Any more arena gigs Yeah

So you gotta do The theme songs You have to write songs That encapsulate the plot Of bad volcano movies Actually Nickelback They just wrote the song And then

The producers of Pompeii Went I like this song Let's make a movie about it Yeah Like it's just Random Nickelback lyrics Just just random Nickelback lyrics. Just optioning Nickelback songs for movies. We feel like this could be a movie.

And we should probably cast the guy who played Jon Snow because you mentioned him in the song. Let's do it. Never made it on a blind man movie. Do you think it was Jon Snow's production company just licensed the whole Nickelback? The narrative elements of the whole Nickelback catalog? He's one of the more popular characters in Game of Thrones, guys. We need a star vehicle for him. Based on a Nickelback song, boom, green light, sold, go.

Yeah, let's start making the commemorative man jewelry now. Let's get Burger King on board. Let's get everybody for Nickelback cups for kids. Sure, yeah. I got the pomper cup at Burger King. Get the commemorative flavor of Mike's Hard Lemonade. They're selling children whiskey. Yeah, sure.

But yeah, my friends and I, we had a nice time. We kind of laughed through it. And the Gay Workout Club really had a great time. Really? Yeah, we had a nice time. We kind of laughed through it. And the gay workout club really had a great time. Really? Yeah, they had a great time. I'm really glad. How many guys in this club? This is probably six deep.

Six deep? They're rolling six deep in the gay workout club. Did they come straight from working out? They were in gym clothes, yeah. And they looked fit. These guys were in great shape. This isn't just a group of dudes that are buddies. These are homosexual gentlemen?

I mean, judging by the kind of the facial hair and all the butt slapping. And the well-groomedness? Yeah, I would say so. I would be surprised if this was a group of muscly street guys. I saw an amazing worker outer just as I was driving in here. Just as I was driving in here, here in the Westlake District of Los Angeles, I am always surprised when I'm walking through the neighborhood and I see another white person that doesn't work in my office. There are a couple of other legendary porn star. Nina Hartley also lives and works in this building.

She's white. She's white. But mostly you're looking at Latinos. And when I say mostly, I mean it's got to be 80% Latino, 10% or 15% Korean American, 3% African American, 1% white people. Yeah. And I saw this guy who was a white guy. So already my interest is piqued.

What's this white guy all about? I said to myself. This guy was wearing like, do you understand what I mean when I say... Will he go to the Mumford & Sons concert with me? He was wearing like Steve Prefontaine running shorts.

The kind that are like six inches long. But also they have a side slit sort of like that Angelina Jolie dress from the Oscars that one year that goes all the way up. You know what I'm talking about? All the way to the waistband. You can run in that dress. Yeah. Yeah.

So this guy is – he's one of these guys that you might – you could say he's 50. You could say he's 75 and he's been on a juice diet since 1949. You know what I mean? So Jack LaLanne type. Jack LaLanne. Jack LaLanne. Yeah, he's a pure Jack LaLanne type. He has full on, serious, full-length, Willie Nelson ponytail.

Gray. Little bit of blonde at the tip. Little bit of blonde down at the tip. So he dips it. He dips it in like a frosting. It's a dip dye situation. He heard that dip dye was hot. Spring, summer, 2012.

Sure. He stocks up on Paz egg dye kits. Okay, great. He is, and so, and he's wearing a fluorescent orange, I guess I would describe it as a safety jacket. It's something. To prevent him from being hit by a car. I saw him midday. I want to be clear that I saw him midday.

This is something. Never a wrong time of day to be safe. That's a good point. I'm wearing a condom right now. I always have a helmet on. That's because you're John Olerud. I've got a gun. This is something, the jacket that he was wearing is something that you would buy at the hardware store that sells clothes.

You know what I'm talking about? I'm at a hardware store with clothes, keeping it safe in the afternoon. We got to get this song to John Cena. He's a hardworking hardware store owner. Dip it in blonde, not the tip. It's like nylon. You know what I at the tip. It's like nylon. You know what I mean? Sure.

Of course. It's like a fluorescent nylon. Well, you want it to breathe. Yes. This is like he's got to be schvitzing in there. Like if he weren't wearing those super short shorts, one might think that he would be like a baseball pitcher spring training 1954 wearing a rubber suit to sweat off some weight. I mean, but if this juice cleanse thing checks out, I mean, this is a guy who's concerned about. If this checks out.

If this checks out. We're going to fact check the juice cleanse thing. Brian. We're going to call Snopes. Go on Snopes.com. He's probably a man who's concerned about toxins. I've got Brian on Wikipedia. Oh, okay.

I want to say it's not – it was more of a like – it was – it's not a juice cleanse. Juice diet and juice cleanse are different. So we're talking meal replacement? I'm confused here. No, I'm talking about a man who has a backyard where he grows his own carrots that he makes into a juice that he drinks every day. Ah, okay. Okay. And not a –

Before he fucks his wife who's into pottery. Yes. So he – so all of these things are going on all at once. Okay. So number one, one of the first – first white person I've seen that I didn't already know in weeks. Number two, strange old man in strange running shorts. Number three, why is he wearing this safety jacket? Number four, what's going on with the waist-length hair pulled back into a ponytail?

back into a ponytail. Number five, he has a walrus mustache that goes down to his jawline and outward a full three inches past his face on either side. Maybe even four or five inches. Like the volume on this, it's as though he had essentially a tennis ball of mustache or a racket. I'm going to dial it back. A racket ball of mustache on each side of his face. Thank you for clarifying that.

Extending beyond his face. Like if you imagine a racket ball, but it's made out of mustache and you glue it to a strange old white man's face. I believe the same store that sells the safety vest is where you get your racquetball made out of mustache. Sure. It's a racquetball made out of mustache. It was like a Chester Arthur or something. Yeah. Like a Ulysses S. Grant thing.

Sure. This man has modeled his facial hair from an early president. Hold on now. Hold on. I raise a point here now. Okay, please. Graham has the floor. Here's your question.

Was I looking at a tin-type photograph of a man? No, I was not. My question, with the deliberate three inches of flare-out, now is this used like a whisker to gauge the doorways like a cat does? Yes. Oh, maybe he's partially blind and he's using this to navigate. You know what I imagine? It's like one of those – you know those cars that set world speed records on the salt flats?

Yes. And they have a long nose and maybe they have a little sort of – like a little mini wing at the end of the nose that keeps it from veering left and right or taking off? I think that's what's happening. He's running so fast that he essentially manipulates these like the flaps on an airplane wing. Yeah, and honestly, now we're making sense. He's got pre-fontaine shorts. He's in great shape with his backyard juicing. He knows he's doing a lot of running in traffic, hence safety jacket.

This is a man who's built for speed. This is a human rocket ship. Do you think it's possible? I'm going to throw out a theory here as long as we're making sense. Is it possible that the man I saw was Usain Bolt? Could be. The world's fastest man. Could be.

Okay. was Usain Bolt. Could be. The world's fastest man. Could be. Okay. Now, first, I don't want to jump to conclusions here, because I don't think this is the type of news program. We don't want to be that haphazard.

No. I think we need juice. This is a pretty serious news program. We try and verify all our sources. We have a researcher working on this problem right now. If Juice Story checks out, then I say it. Then the next logical step is Usain Bolt. But until Jew's story checks out-

Yeah, we cannot say one way or the other. I don't want to jump on that. Let's not speculate. Let's not speculate. Let's be fair. Okay, look. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second with information on whether this story checks out.

Hopefully. Fingers crossed. We'll be back on Jordan Jessico. of the Maximum Fun family. If you've never heard Risk before, you've got to check it out. Risk is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share in public. Stuff you could never hear on NPR. This is where writers, comedians, and people of all walks of life drop the act and get as raw and real as it gets.

You know you love stories. Why not check out the show where you'll hear the most unforgettable ones you've ever heard. Check out Risk. Today we are free on iTunes, of course, and we're at MaximumFun.org or at Risk-Show.com. Risk! Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Sam Helwood, Nickelback producer. Really? You produced? I did not know that. No, I produced their movies. I produced their, okay. You produced, oh God, I'm so sorry, a shot on Pompeii.

That was your, that was a, I thought you were, I heard great things. No, when Jordan says shit on, I mean, that's what, that's what he does to his lovers. That's what I meant. Yeah. That's a very romantic thing. It's a gift. It's a gift from my butt to my lover's a gift from my butt to my lover. A gift from my butt to my lover.

It's what the Native Americans called a butt gift. We call it maze. Wow. Yeah. Okay. So we looked into it. Unfortunately, we do have... Let me put it – I'm going to start with this. Fortunately, we have a detective on staff.

Okay. Yes. Brian Fernandez. That kid's last name is Fernandez? Yeah. Does he know he doesn't look Latino at all? Portuguese. Portuguese.

He's got some Portuguese in him. Habla Portuguese, Brian. He nodded as though at all? Portuguese. Portuguese. He's got some Portuguese in him. Habla Portuguese, Brian. He nodded as though he does speak Portuguese. I don't think he speaks Portuguese. He may have made a stew at some point, like a seafood stew. Okay. Seafood stew. That's as far as he ever got.

Okay. He's also been to a Portugal the Man concert. This guy. Brian? Yep. Okay. That's how he got his surname yeah i was going to the portugal the man concert um so that's the good news the good news is we the good news is we have a world-class detective a regular encyclopedia brown here's the bad news he googled westllake, MacArthur Park, old guy, ponytail, orange jacket, Steve Precentain shorts, and he didn't come up with anything. Well, when you're putting a high-level detective on something like that and it comes back blank, to me, there is an answer there.

There is an answer. He is the person. Or. Okay. Or Prefontaine Juicer guy is in witness protection. Oh. He's a ghost. He's a ghost.

Wow. He's off the grid. Yeah. And the government is going to deny it. Of course. He could also be a spook. He could be working for the CIA. That's what I'm saying. Maybe he's working for the CIA. He could be a ghost. Yeah. He the government's going to deny it. What if he's- Of course. He could also be a spook. He could be working for the CIA. That's what I'm saying.

Maybe he's working- He could be a ghost. Yeah. He could be a spook. A goblin. Yeah. Wittsek. He could be a goblin.

He could be a specter. Yes, a specter. An aberration. There's a many things he could be. Be one of those troll dolls. Yes. There's so many options here. A fairy?

F-A-E-R-I-E? Mm-hmm. To me, it speaks to me. And again, I don't have the experience that Brian does. Oh, I didn't say he has experience. Just qualifications. Oh, I don't have his qualifications either, but I will say. You have a Batman wristband.

I have a Batman wristband, which does get me close. Batman's a detective? He is. He's the world's greatest detective. Is that wristband for Batman's Charitable Foundation, by the way? Yes. Batman. It's the Batman fund.

Batman against childhood cancers. Yeah. He is. It's pediatric cancer at the Batman Foundation. It's a foundation that benefits the children of wealthy industrialists who are murdered. Yes, yes. Orphaned rich kids. Orphaned billionaire.

Yeah. It gets them everything they need. Fight training. Yeah, fight. A lair. Yeah. Access into League of Shadows. Sure.

Like everything. A really cool butler. A really cool butler. Military cars that nobody knows about. Put you in line to be one of the Robins after one dies. Exactly. Scouts, kids, children from families of gymnastics. 1950s wrestling magazines.

And I think this to me reeks. It's just too loud of a no answer on the internet. That to me says he's a government. Sure. There should be something. He's undercover. Do you think we're in danger now because we've revealed this? Oh, man.

We're like Edward Snowden. We have to be super careful of our metadata. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. And our bitcoins. Your bitcoins. I think you guys got to- Don't touch my bitcoins. Yeah. You guys got think so. And our bitcoins. Your bitcoins. I think you guys gotta... Don't touch my bitcoins. Yeah.

You guys gotta squirrel up your bitcoins. Somebody was kind enough to email and say we should accept in the Max Fund Drive, which recently concluded, that we should put together a system to accept bitcoins. They

weren't offering to donate bitcoins. They were just saying that we should accept bitcoins because they figured others would like to accept bitcoins. They weren't offering to donate Bitcoins. They were just saying that we should accept Bitcoins because they figured others would like to accept Bitcoins or would like to donate Bitcoins. And I couldn't even muster the energy to say no thank you. That's how little time I have for Bitcoins. Is there another cryptocurrency you prefer? Oh, yeah. Flues. Oh, okay.

I'm all about flues. Sure. If it's not endorsed by Whoopi Goldberg, I am out. Yeah. Well, that's how you live your life. Jesse has all his money tied up in Disneyland fun bucks. Yeah. Only spend those in Disneyland. And downtown Disney.

Downtown Disney. By the way, I'm really glad that I've given our listeners a few good things to Google on this week's program with John Olerud and Flooze so far. These are things that... Yeah, get in there. Frankly, only 5% of you know what the fuck those are. But if you Google them, you're going to have a lot of fun post facto. It's going to be like one of those Arrested Development jokes that goes by and someone else has to explain it to you and then instead of laughing, you nod appreciatively. Right.

And you say, well, at least now I get it. Yeah. I'm sort of in the club. Anyway. Guys, can I share a Hollywood story with you? Ooh. You mean from show business? Yeah, like a show business story.

Ooh, I like it. I think maybe this will – yeah. I think maybe this will – yeah. So I talked a couple weeks ago. I was going to Miami to work at a press junket to do interviews for a press junket for the movie Rio 2. That sounds hot. Yeah. Sounds hot.

Yeah. The movie was hot. The weather in Miami was hot. Hot. The stars. Yeah, they were hot. Yeah, those stars were hot. White hot. And something weird happened to me in that – like, you know, so before you go into a press

junket, you're kind of in this holding area with all the other entertainment reporters and, you know, you're chatting and- What do you got in there? A trough? Yeah. You have a trough with some millet and you all get on all fours and you eat the millet and then they call your name and you sit for four minutes in front of George Lopez. Yeah, and then you're turned into dog food.

Exactly, yeah. You're put into an abattoir. So something weird was happening in that – and this is the first – and usually people are really polite at these things like, you know, because you never know who's listening and, you know, like the publicists are there. You don't know who could be a spook. Yeah, exactly. Just because a guy's wearing Prefontaine shorts.

Maybe Johnny Westlake just happens to be at that press job. Sure, you never know. That's when you know. Can you, Brian, Google Johnny Westlake in case that's his name? Good thinking. So maybe another 50s wrestler. Good thinking, Graham. Johnny Westlake, ladies and that's his name. Good thinking. So maybe another 50s wrestler. Good thinking, Graham. Johnny Westlake, ladies and gentlemen.

Give him what for? But this was weird in that there were an inordinate amount of people shit-talking Anne Hathaway. What? Just talking about how unpleasant Anne Hathaway was going to be. They were, like, saying stuff to me like, oh, yeah, good luck in there with Hathaway. Yeah, she'll – yeah, she will like – she will walk out of an interview for no reason. Like don't – and it's all this crazy – like don't look her in the eye. Like Anne Hathaway doesn't like it when you look her in the eye.

She's one of the voices in Rio I should mention. Oh, that makes more sense. She didn't just stop by to support the film. Yeah, no, no, no. She's one of the. She's the voice of the girl parrot. She's like, I want to speak out on behalf of a cause I really

believe in. It's a toucan with a dream. His name is Rio. It's the sequel to a bad movie. So let me, at that point, were you like, did you think they were like, oh, we're joking with the new guy? Did you think they were pulling that game?

Yeah. I didn't think so. I mean I did press junkets for a long time. So I kind of like – I didn't feel like they were – there was razzing going on. Had you ever had an experience with Anne Hathaway? I have never – no, I had never junketed with Anne Hathaway. Had you ever had this – had you ever experienced this kind of buzz before? No. This is – I noticed it because it was unprecedented because like I'm like, wow, multiple people are coming up to me and just saying nasty things about someone who's in the next room.

There was a lot of talk once when I was hosting, not trying to brag, the 2011-ish IFC Spirit Awards nomination special. And I did an interview with Eva Mendes. There was a lot of talk about Eva Mendes being prickly before Eva Mendes came in. Eva Mendes' people came in, and they were very prickly. When she sat down, she touched my leg. Right. She was super sweet. Yeah.

I got it. I got it. So you have to be leg. Right. She was super sweet. Yeah. I got, I got, so you have to be careful with these people saying these people are prickly. Well, I mean, and this was like,

this was people who I guess who I was under the impression had like had a bad experience with her. They were talking about it like they had. Maybe she didn't touch their leg. Sure.

Yeah, exactly. They like scooted their leg really close. They kept going, oh, my knee. So, yeah. But also, I mean, I guess I'm kind of aware of like Anne Hathaway is someone who people feel very strongly about. I think that, you know, her public persona, like when she hosted the Oscars, like James Franco wasn't trying and she was. And I think it made her seem like the bad kind of nerd not

like a charming Jennifer Lawrence nerd who doesn't know why she's here you know but just like a try too hard you know glee club kind of dork so I think it it you know who happens to be almost unspeakably good look sure yeah exactly um yeah, I think people think she's just, you know, she's the Tracy Flick of show business. Like she's the, you know, needs to be perfect, look at me, look at me type. And I guess I've only seen a few Anne Hathaway movies. I saw the one with Jake Gyllenhaal where he sold Viagra and she was nude a lot. Enjoyed that. What was that?

Forget the name. Boner Pill Countdown? Yeah, Boner Pill Countdown. Boner Pill Countdown? Yeah, Boner Pill Countdown. Boner Pill Countdown. Five, four, three, get your priapism ready. Love and other drugs. Thank you, Brian. I was going to guess A League of Their Own.

Yeah, A League of Their Own. That was all I had. I mean, we all got boners watching A League of Their Own. Of course. I mean, the Rockford Peaches. They were peaches. Rosie O'Day. Oh,aches. Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, yeah.

Rosie O'Donnell plus Madonna. Oh, boy. Yum, yum. That's a lot of downs. John Lovitz. Ooh. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Drunk Tom Hanks.

Wow, wow, wow. Shazam. And, of course, Lori Petty, who's always lovely. Lori Petty, an artist in Venice Beach. Yeah, I'm sure Lori Petty's making some found sculptures now, some found object sculptures. Yes, I have never seen, I live down by the beach, I have never seen Lori Petty around there without like paint covered jeans and... Pollen and driftwood. Yeah, always.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Just like, hey, you're going to need that old carburetor. Sure, Lori Petty, take it. I'm going to make it into a spider. I was in point break. Well, exactly. Exactly. Just like, hey, you're going to need that old carburetor. Sure, Lori Petty. Take it. I'm going to make it into a spider. I was in point break. See ya. So, yeah.

And I had seen her in the third Batman, and I thought she really perked up that movie. She's great. She was, yeah. Really what that movie needed was a little fun, a little humor. So I have no beef with hathaway at this point and frankly watching that oscars i'm like oh well somebody should be trying right i mean don't shit on her for trying she's doing her best yeah if you're up there on the fucking oscars and for some weird inexplicable reason james franco has decided to

back out of this thing that he agreed to but he decided to back out of it on tv in the middle of it everyone yeah you might be a little worried and try and pick up the slack yeah but i mean back out of this thing that he agreed to, but he decided to back out of it on TV in front of everyone. Yeah, you might be a little worried and try and pick up the slack. Yeah, but, I mean, like, to the point, like, to where I was on deck, to where I was about to go in, the other reporter was there, and I was, like, the next one, and people were like, like, I mean, good luck. I mean, I don't know what you're going to get.

You're probably not going to get anything. You're not going to get anything from Hathaway. What were you trying to get out of Hathaway? Just some nice goofing around, some fun, a smile. Were you doing a bit or it was just Jordan having fun? Just Jordan having fun. Okay. And the things we were making for – these are for TBS and they're very short.

So, I mean, even if – You just need one sound bite. Yeah, you just need her to say one thing that's kind of cute and charming. Right. So, yeah. One soundbite. Yeah, you just need her to say one thing that's kind of cute and charming. Right. So, yeah.

So it's not like you're making a whole IFC Spirit Awards nomination special and you need different stuff to punch in. Yeah, yeah. A little touch on the leg. A little sort of flirty eye contact. So I get in there. Guess who's a fucking delight? Guess who is a delightful, charming, funny, basically the closest thing we have to a princess here in America? Anne Hathaway was the fucking best. Oh, I was going to guess Rosie O'Donnell.

No, I know. Yeah, Rosie O'Donnell is the Duchess of America. And Anne Hathaway is the princess. She was great. I sat down. I said, hi, I'm Jordan. She said, hi, I'm Annie. Isn't that cute usually those celebrities just assume they don't introduce themselves because like well this guy knows who i am they're here to interview me yeah but yeah charming eye contact i don't want to hear another fucking shitty word about anne hathaway ever again she's a delight you know what that bitch i'm sorry go ahead i have no time for people who are out there on the streets of America right now talking shit about the great Anne Hathaway. Yeah.

People with cold hearts. Yeah. Dead eyes. Mm-hmm. And limp dicks. Dry pussies. And sick minds. Yeah.

Filled with hate. Yeah. Have you ever read the story of Frankenstein's monster? I have, yes. Its brain came from a dead murderer. That's the kind of person who says mean things about Anne Hathaway. And you know what that is with those junketeers? Sure.

Because, you know, I've gotten to go to some press screenings because of doing comedy film. Not a big deal, but you're significant. You're like, oh, all right. We don't get the big movies. We get indie films and stuff, which is great. Well, look, you're a little... Yeah, but that's kind of what it is. You matter.

You matter. You guys can juice the opening of a smaller film with your recommendation. Boom. For the audience at home, Graham is making fucking motions. That's how I juice the opening. Yeah, take that, cheap thrills. I was making motions like I was making carrot juice. Oh, yeah.

Right. Jesse, I didn't even notice your ponytail. Yeah. So luxurious. Pre Fontaine. But I've been with some of those. My name is Johnny Westlake. Johnny Westlake. Johnny Westlake.

Johnny Westlake, a.k.a. Prefontaine in Nickelback. And those junketeers are – you know what I bet you what happened? Sure. I bet you several of them on one of their junkets just asked a bunch of stupid questions. Like have you ever been interviewed for those kind of things? And they just asked, you could just make shit up. Like, who's in your thing? And you could just be like, oh, Abraham Lincoln and Steve McQueen and the Rockford Files.

And be like, oh, great. What was it like working with them? Like, they don't listen. They don't pay attention. Can anybody pull any pranks on the set? Yeah. Any pranksters? What was it like working with the Rockford Files?

A whole TV show? Yeah, it was great. I'm sure the kissing scenes were pretty hot. Pretty hot. And so I bet you she just got sick one day and went, God, you're stupid. Or told her publicist, get these morons out of here. And they're like, oh, Anne Hathaway's difficult. No, you're dumb.

It's like the sportscaster guys. When a coach or player loses a game and they ask those stupid questions, what do you think happened? Like, wow, we lost. And then they come back to ESPN, they're like, wow, that coach just lost it. Yeah, he lost. It's the fucking Super Bowl, Jack Bone.

What do you hear if you're a moron? Have you ever heard Tommy Lasorda's opinion of Kingman's performance? Oh, God. My opinion of his performance? Jesus Christ. The guy hits four fucking home runs. Five. Five fucking.

One guy corrects him. Four home runs and he hit nine RBIs. Ten. Ten fucking RBIs. My opinion of his fucking performance. Performance. He can't even say performance. Yeah.

It's my opinion. Have you ever heard that whole old golden throats? It's all those coaches losing it like Earl Weaver? No, I haven't heard Earl Weaver lose it. Earl Weaver, who – get on the internet, folks, if you don't know who he is. He was the Baltimore Oreos manager in the 70s and 80s. Oreos. Oreos.

Yeah. Sorry. What did I say? The Baltimore Oreos. Well, it's a good cookie. Yeah. It is a very good cookie. Sorry.

That's hung over from my childhood where we called them the Baltimore Oreos because I like cookies. So he was a notorious, like, crazy hothead. If you go online, you go to YouTube, you'll see him picking up the bases and throwing, like, crazy, crazy, crazy. The bases and throwing, like crazy, crazy, crazy. So there was a show, and it was like the Baltimore Oriole Baseball Network. And, you know, I'm Stevie Steverson, and here's your coach, Earl Waver. And you can tell, like, he just came from a loss or something like that. So he's like, Earl, we got a question from Dave Ryerson out there at Maryland who says, you know,

Coach Weaver, do you think the team needs more team speed? Team speed, for Christ's sake. Get some little fucking flea running around the bases getting picked up. Get some big cocksucker that can knock the fucking ball out of the ballpark. You know, it just goes on for that. And you can hear the guy, the radio guy, because obviously it was prerecorded, going, all right, Earl, well, here's another question from Glass. He clearly goes, well, I guess today we're not having an interview. I like it when it intrudes. The nice thing about baseball is it doesn't seem like that's going to happen in baseball when it does happen.

in baseball when it does happen. I just watched a clip of Albert Bell, Joey Bell, 1990s power hitter, Albert Bell, running the bases in, I'm going to say 1996 or something like that. And Fernando Vina is playing second base for the Brewers. And Fernando Vina grabs a ground ball as Albert Bell's running from first base. grabs a ground ball as Albert Bell's running from first base. And apparently earlier on in this same game, Albert Bell had told Fernando Vina, don't get in my way or I'll take you out,

after Fernando Vina had sort of gotten in his way, turning a double play. And Albert Bell, Fernando Vina's 5'7", something like that maybe, you know, like a little tiny middle infielder. Albert Bell, 6'3", enormous muscled man, running full speed, just full on throws a bow in his face and like knocks him like three feet backwards, like 45 feet down the line, like two-thirds of the way to second base. Just boom. He just, just like a rocket ship into space!

Oh, man! And then he just turns around and heads back towards the dugout. Fernando Vina just pops up and you can see Fernando Vina going... He just got ding!

Yeah, baseball is such this, like, nice pace and all of a sudden beanball war! Fight! You know, like, it's crazy. Yeah, someone's coming this nice pace and all of a sudden, beanball war, fight. It's crazy. Yeah, someone's coming after somebody with a bat. Yeah. When was the last time the bench got cleared?

When was the last bench-clearing brawl in baseball? There's regular bench-clearing brawls in baseball. I like a nice bench-clearing brawl. Sure, you've got to clear the benches. You get a couple every season. What's scary, though, is in a baseball game, once in a while there will be an actual fight. That comes every two or three years.

Like, usually when they clear the benches, just everyone's like, oh, it's like a standing ovation at a thing that's not that good. Right. Like, you're just like, I don't want to be the guy who's, like, making a point of not standing. Right. Yeah, you can just run out there kind of behind the other guys and maybe you don't have to – like it will be over by the time you get out there. It's like the two teams are like made of the same kind of magnet. So they're sort of coming. But the nearer they get, the more repelled they are from each other. You know what I mean?

So it sort of moves around in funny sort of fractal-like ways but nobody actually touches each other. I remember about 10 years ago there was a korean pitcher i think it was chanho park for the dodgers and it was so great because a lot of those baseball fights it's just a lot of like posturing they're not like fighters you know and he was a pitcher and he you know brushed some guy back or beat him the guy did that thing you know he's like throws his gloves down the bat like, you want to do this? Let's do this. And so he threw the pitcher, Channel Park, threw his gloves and the guy charged him thinking he was going to be like American guy wrestling. And he just did taekwondo, jumped up, kicked him in the head, knocked him out.

No, there wasn't a jump kick. Yeah, it was a jump. That's amazing. It was great. And so many people, like, I remember listening to so many, like, American, that's bullshit. You shouldn't be able to do that. I was like, I study martial arts.

I'm like, it was beautiful. Like, this stupid idea, like, he didn't fight the right way. Yeah, I mean, like, I think if you do study martial arts, I mean, how often do you get to use a jump kick in a practical situation? And just perfect. Just spun midair. Ding. I think if you do study martial arts, I mean, how often do you get to use a jump kick in a practical situation? And just perfect. Just spawn midair. Ding.

Just knock the dude out. It was gorgeous. I had this dream as a child. retired and the Cubs have moved to a new spring training facility, the name of the Cubs spring training facility and Chan Ho Park's name would be combined into Chan Ho Ho Ho Cam Cam Park Park. Wait, Chan Ho Ho Ho Cam Park Park. Yes, they should do that. Chan Ho Ho Cam Park is where the Cubs played. Chan Ho-Ho-Ho-Cam Park Park. Am I getting that right? That's entirely correct.

Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Graham Elwood, Nickelback enthusiast. Did they fire you as producer? We were working some stuff out.

I mean, I think it's probably amicable at this point. You're going to take like a reduced role? Yeah, you know, there's some other projects I want to do. You know, I'm trying to take Creed songs into theme parks. So I just am going to focus on that. Sure. If only theme parks had Creed songs. I know.

If only you could hear Creed at a theme park, especially a regional theme park. If only it was possible to hear music. At a great America. Six flags over Creed. Sponsors on this week's program. First of all, Jordan, Jesse, go supported by Simple. Banking without bullshit. I took a good look at Simple. Talked to the folks at Simple.

It is a really neat product. Basically, it is an online bank. No fees. Free ATMs. An account that's supported by real people. You call them on the telephone. They answer the telephone when you call. You don't have to go through a phone tree to get somebody to help you out.

And they have a lot of cool tools to help you save your money and plan your finances. Like things like they'll give you a checking account based on how much money, not just how much money you literally have in your checking account, but how much money you will have in your checking account after you pay your rent and all of the bills that you expect to pay. That's helpful. So you know how much money you have to spend. And you can do automatic savings and all kinds of stuff. They are on a wait list right now because there is too much demand for their service. But you can skip the wait list. Go to simple.com slash JJGo. Go to simple.com slash JJ Go.

That's simple.com slash JJ Go. We also have something up on the Jumbotron. Yeah, Philadelphia-based sketch comedy group The Flat Earth, who created the Her parody Burr using Bill Burr's audio from his Jordan Jesse Go appearance. That's very funny. Worth watching. They have a new hour-long live show, April 10th through the 18th,

at the Philly Improv Theater, the city of brotherly love's home for alternative comedy and the largest improv, sketch, and stand-up training center. Visit phillyimprovtheater.com for more info and use the code MAXFUN for discounts. For more on the Flat Earth, like them at facebook.com slash Flat Earth Philly. Facebook.com slash Flat Earth is taken up by the Flat Earth Society.

So don't just go there. Yeah, Flat Earth Philly. If you're in Philadelphia, the Fit's a nice place. Yeah, it's a great theater. I did the Sound of Young America there a few years ago. It's a great place to go do taping of your public radio show and enjoy some Scrapple.

I was just in Philadelphia randomly a couple of years ago and nothing to do and went by the Philly Improv Theater to see a show and it was great.

It's a great place to see a show. Definitely check out the Flat Earth Society. Yeah, so thank you to the Flat Earth. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron,

it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan and Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. And hey, guess what? We are headed

to the Pacific Northwest, Jordan. Yeah. April 25th and April 26th, we are in Portland and Seattle with our good friends Stop Podcasting Yourself. Get your tickets now. Tickets are on sale now.

Go to MaximumFun.org. And I am headed to Vancouver with my good friends Dave and Graham from Stop Podcasting Yourself. I will be at Simon Fraser University the following Monday, which is 25th, 26th, 27th, April 28th. And you can get tickets for that now.

All of the information is at MaximumFun.org. And when I say you can get tickets for that now, just do it. Just get your tickets now. It's going to be fun. It's going to be awesome. Special guests at both shows. Yeah. How about this?

John Roderick in Seattle. How about Mr. Luke Burbank from Too Beautiful to Live in Portland? Doesn't get any better than those guys. Come to the shows. I'm not going to say who, but I just had a conversation with a special to Live in Portland. Doesn't get any better than those guys. Come to the shows. I'm not going to say who, but I just had a conversation with a special musical guest in Portland who can't be billed because they have a show that they're selling tickets to and getting paid for later that week in Portland. But hopefully they will be able to stop by.

But it's a popular band that you'll be excited to see. Guy from Gang of Four? Yeah, it's the guy from Gang of Four. Yes. It's Kerry Brownstein. Oh, good. So, yeah, if you live

in the Pacific Northwest, buy those tickets now because who knows when we'll be able to leave the house again. Probably never. Yeah, Jordan has a new job and I have two children,

so basically you're fucked. And if you don't live in Portland and Seattle or Vancouver... And I am knocking up some of the women who work at my new job, so...

Attaboy. Yeah, absolutely. And if you don't live in Portland, Seattle, or Vancouver. And I am knocking up some of the women who work at my new job. Atta boy. Yeah, absolutely. And if you don't live in Portland, Seattle, or Vancouver, you know, go suck a lemon. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or go fuck yourselves. You're busted. You are a zero in our eyes.

We do not value you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse go it's Jordan Jesse go I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective Graham Elwood

Creed salesman when something momentous I'll take one would you like a Creed extra step on that. One Creed, extra stab?

Anyway. Desi, did you have something you wanted to say? I need to purchase a new Creed because people have been refusing me service based on my previous Creed. You mean Judaism? Yeah. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, our audience,

we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone, dummy. 206-984-4FUN. You idiot. I've turned against the audience 100%. You've turned against the audience like America's turned against Anne Hathaway. In my migraine medication haze that I'm trying to do this show through, I have now, at first, I was loving the audience.

I was feeling the joy radiating through our podcast. And now it's like a cold fucking winter. Wow. It's like I'm like Princess What's-Her-Name from the movie Frozen. That's the one. Everything I touch turns to ice. And all I can do is go off into my ice castle and shoot fucking ice pyrotechnics into the air while I belt a sweet song. Sounds pretty good.

Luckily, in a sort of weirdly tone-contradicting thing, Josh Gad is there. He's livening it up a little bit. That's cool. That doesn't make it that bad, then. No, it's fun because Josh Gad's funny. He's great. He's a talented guy. He's a talented guy.

That's why he's been so critically acclaimed on Broadway. You know, he hasn't had the on-screen success that maybe he deserves, but... He'll get there. Yeah. He's got the talent. You know what I mean? He, but... He'll get there. Yeah. He's got the talent. You know what I mean? He's got a show with Billy Crystal. Yeah.

So, you know, you can't miss with Crystal. Crystal's been red hot the last 10 or 20 years. Out of the park every time. We're talking Mr. Saturday Night. Others. Others? Yeah, other films laundry list

you know yeah yeah I mean Mr. Saturday Night and all the films that preceded it appearing on talk shows and doing bits

from 25 years ago hosting the Oscars the same way okay look we don't have a I don't have a I don't really have a problem

no why would you have a problem with Billy Crystal I jumped on a riff train and it went down yeah we were just riffing crystal problem I jumped on a riff train and it went down we were just riffing crystal nothing personal I started a riff train rolling down the tracks

but it was a mistake I was high on cocaine high on cocaine riding a riff train Davey Jones number okay when something momentous happens to you we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN for momentous occasions.

We've got two momentous occasions this week. Let's hear the first. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Tony from Scranton, Pennsylvania, calling with a momentous occasion. I'm currently stopped at a stoplight here driving from one teaching job to the next, and we actually had here in scranton the past couple days two days of torrential rain and then today a surprise snowstorm and i'm stopped at the stoplight looking to my left here and i see a business with a pump truck in front of it looks

to be pumping water out of the store and the side of the truck, pumping up the jam since 1945, which then made me laugh at that, but then also wonder, is this restaurant having a jam explosion, and is that truck actually pumping up jam? That'd be pretty awesome. Have a great day. Love the show. Talk to you later. Bye. I'm with you 100%. I'd like for it to be a boutique jam pumping operation.

Well, you know, there's nothing like any sort of niche marketing. And niche stores are like, oh, it's a store that only sells cupcakes. And I'm glad that this is a store that only pumps jam, not just sells it, but only pumps it. There's a part of me that wants to put down people who have a novelty slogan that's not actually funny. It's only funny in the context of the fact that it's a slogan for a boring business. You know what I mean? Right.

Like a plumber who has like a butt-themed slogan. You know, like, you know, we won't let it rain on your parade or whatever. We'll get cracking on fixing your pipe. Yeah, exactly. And, but on the other hand, who am I? You know, that guy deserves a ray of light. You got to set yourself apart from the other jam pumpers. It's a guy who deserves a ray of light in his life.

When I think of a jam pump, I think of like an old time, like water well that, you know, like an Anna Green Gables would go out to to pump water into a bucket, but it's just jam. And it's a jam well. From the deep in the center of the earth is where jam is made. You hit a jam vein to collect jam ore. That's where it comes from. How do you not know this? We have an email here.

This came from someone named Ari. Were we talking about Fat Joe's recently on the program? That does not seem familiar to me at all. I don't know. Brian is nodding as though we were talking about Fat Joe's. But I don't think – he says last week. It seems I disagree. Seems, I disagree. Brian, I respectfully disagree.

However, he sent in- Maybe we were talking about Fat Sal's, the sandwich place owned by Turtle from Entourage. There you go. Oh, okay. I got a picture from a listener named Ari who came upon a picture, a drawing on the sidewalk made in multiple colors of chalk. And at the top it says Fat Joe. Underneath is a fat stick figure like a blob figure and inside is drawn his esophagus

stomach and bowel and then underneath it says digestive system and then underneath there's either a poop or a penis it's hard to say because you you know, it's drawn in.

Yeah, yeah. So this is like a, I mean, I don't know if you guys ever like went to like the science museum as a kid and got a visible man at the gift shop. But this is kind of like the chalk version. It's sort of like what if the part of Slim Goodbody was played by the rapper Fat Joe? Do you think this is meant to represent specifically Fat Joe from the Terror Squad? I don't know. I mean, is this maybe just viral marketing for Turtle Sandwich Restaurant? I go with that answer, sir.

Yeah? That makes more sense. Do you think it's possible that Fat Joe and Turtle are in business together? I mean, it seems like a match made in heaven. I mean, it almost seems like it would be a problem if they weren't in business together. Yeah. And don't you think, too, that it's very deliberate to draw a turd dick? Yes, I do.

It seems like something Turtle would do. Yeah. It doesn't seem like, oh, we didn't know what we were doing. Like, this seems very mapped out. It seems like something he would do, I should say specifically, in between the ending of Entourage the TV show and the beginning of production for Entourage the movie. So you're saying this is like an Entourage movie gated.

Exactly. In the same way that Johnny Westlake has got to be working for NSA. This is a calculated marketing point. Do you think it's possible that other members of the terror squad are being represented across media with different parts of their body exposed? Yeah, I think this is part of the multiple vertical approach. Right.

Like is there a big pun where it shows his deltoid muscles? I saw a big pun, by the way, open up for Tupac in 91. He was amazing. I think here's the big question, is do you guys want to go get a sandwich with mozzarella sticks inside? The answer is yes. Okay. I say put them in there.

Jam them in. Yeah. Can it be a Scrapple sandwich? I mean, you'll have to talk to Turtle. Is there such a thing as a Scrapple sandwich? I'm sure there is. I don't think I've run across one, but I think it seems like something. What would be in a Scrapple sandwich?

Bread? Scrapple? Some sort of aioli? Some sort of aioli. A tapenade? Mm-hmm. And hand-pumped jam yeah and then some nice hand-pumped yes exactly

then there's just a picture of Remy Ma's lymphatic system can I ask about the jelly donuts? has this jam been hand-pumped? yes these are all hand-pumped jam. Okay, thanks. And it's local?

It's been locally pumped? It's locally organic, low-carbon footprint hand-pumped jam. And what, is there like a micro-brew that'll pair well with that? Yes, we do have an IPA that hand-pumps our jam. And it all comes from a farmer's market. Okay, I'll have that. Thank you. And all the donuts are put into reusable canvas shopping bags.

Thank you. And all the donuts are put into reusable canvas shopping bags. I have a question about Cuban Lynx. Do you want me to say that? Can I still talk about it like this? Is it a question for this character? I have a question. Is it a question for this character? Is it something with this character?

The hand pump jam enthusiast? Excuse me? Cuban Lynx, nervous system. Wait, what? Cuban Lynx, members of the terror squad. Wait, what? Cuban Link. Members of the Terror Squad. Oh, okay. Doing a lot of different jokes at once.

I'm sorry. There's too much going on. Let's get back to Earl Weaver. Let's take our next call. It's Brian from Peru calling with a momentous occasion. Here in Peru, it's common to see mothers breastfeeding in public, and it's also common to see whole families of three or even four people riding down the street on one motorcycle, even a scooter.

But until just this moment, I had not seen a mom on a scooter and the mom with her shirt down driving down the street nursing her baby. The baby did not have a helmet on. Wrapped her in flight. Bye, guys. That's out of control. Yeah, it seems out of control. I don't trust these second world countries. To recap for people who might have missed it, Brian lives in Peru where it's common to see people breastfeeding in public.

Women specifically. Well, he didn't say. That's true. He said, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Could be a sow. Sure. I don't know what Peruvian man titties are like.

No, that's true. They could excrete a milk. Yeah. Who knows? They might be- A hand-pumped- A hand-pumped- Male titties.

A hand-pumped Peruvian man milk. Yeah, sure. I'll take the hand-pumped Peruvian man milk. Now, can I get an aioli on that? Could I get that with a side of pan flutes? Yes. It actually comes in an edible pan flute. Okay, great.

Do you have a wooden marimba? Now, can we stuff some mozzarella sticks in that? It actually comes in an edible pan flute. Do you have a wooden marimba? Now, can we stuff some mozzarella sticks in that? Yes, for an extra $1.50, we will do that. Great. Can I have Scrapple instead of bread? Scrapple? And apparently— Is Scrapple a real—Scrapple, is it a real thing, or is it just a maker?

No, Scrapple is real. It's good, too. It's like miscellaneous pig parts mixed with corn and made into a patty that sounds like the worst thing that's ever it's really good it's like uh it's like it sounds like a pimento loaf it's a little bit like a corn beef hash but it's in a patty form okay and it's made of corn instead of potatoes. Now, can I get hand-pumped corn? It's corned beef. It's the hand-pumped. Can I get left-handed spread with a knife

and tapenade across the Scrabble? Is there gluten in this? How much gluten is in this? Does this Scrabble have Is there gluten in this? How much gluten is in this? Does this Scrabble have its own bike lane? Oh, maybe the Scrabble has its own bike lane. Oh, I mean, should there be a breastfeeding lane in Peru? Maybe there should be. I think there should be.

I will say- Decreased traffic. You're a world traveler. Have you ever been to Peru? I have not. I have been to Brazil. I've been to Panama. I will say this.

To me, it sounds like wonderful multitasking. Yeah. I say... And low carbon footprint on a scooter. Sure. No, yeah. That's true. Not an SUV. And are we sure that it's a motorized scooter? Could it have been a razor scooter? It might have been a razor scooter.

Then she definitely needs a lane. Well, yeah. For sure. Like if she's breastfeeding the baby and then goes off a jump. Yeah. You got to make your own lane. You know what I mean? Yeah, in life and in traffic. Like DJ Khaled, formerly of the Terror Squad.

You know, that guy made his own lane. Did he make his own lane? That's what she's got to do. In Miami. It's just a list of shit that happened earlier on the show. Home of Anne Hathaway lies. You got it. It's where people go.

Miami is the number one city people go to to spread Home of Anne Hathaway lies. You got it. It's where people go. Miami is the number one city people go to to spread lies about Anne Hathaway. Can I say something right now? Right here, right now. Miami, I'm putting you on blast. Wow. This means you, Gloria Estefan. This means you, probably, Ozzie Canseco,

Jose Canseco's twin brother. Hey, don't try and sneak out, pit bull. Yeah. This means you, Will Smith in the 90s. Yeah, for video shoots. For his one song, Miami. Welcome to Miami. That one.

He probably keeps a summer home there. Yeah. Okay. Shaq has a home there. This means you, television drug dealers. Sorry, what are you putting Miami on blast for? Oh, just talking shit about Anne Hathaway? That's my girl.

Yeah, yeah. Let's back off America and the world. Peru. That's America's smiling sweetheart. She'll appear naked in a film. And she'll look great. And she'll look terrific. She'll look great doing it.

She looks great in short boy hair. Yeah. She looks great no matter what she does. Listen, I'm sure she sang beautifully in Les Mis. I would not see that movie if you slammed my hand in a door. Right. There's no movie I want to see less. You're going to the Pompeii prequel.

Yes, I will go to Pompeii Gaiden, the Pompeii side story. Is this the sequel? About what? Parallel universe? the Pompeii side story. Is this the secret? About what... About what... Parallel universe? Yeah, yeah. About what Kiefer Sutherland's valet was doing while Pompeii was going on.

Jordan, are you saying that this is how it will work? You put your hand in a door, I slam it in there, and then I say, go see Les Mis. No, it's like you can either... It's an option thing. It's like I can either see Les Mis

or have my hand slammed in the door. I'll take the door slam. You'll take the door slam? Yeah. What kind of door is it? Is it a pocket door? Like the sliding door of like a passenger van. That's, wow.

Yeah, I do not want to see Les Mis. I do not want to see Les Mis. Can I tell you one time that happened to me? Oh, yeah, sure. We had minivans growing up. I've slammed my hand in many a minivan. I was wearing a ring on my finger. I was in first grade wearing a ring on my finger.

Ring crushed onto my finger. My finger got like, it was like a radius of an inch and a half. We had to go to the hospital where they cut it off with a miniature Jaws of Life. The woman said, I don't know if this is legal when she did it.

Wow. What's the legality on saving a child's finger? I don't get it. It was like a can opener she put on my hand. That's what she was doing there. I don't know if this is legal, making a child have a fully functioning hand as they grow older. But yeah.

I mean, sure. But I'm not about to shit talk Hugh Jackman for being in Les Mis. God bless him. At some point, didn't Anne Hathaway do an interview where she talked about how much she enjoys anal? Oh, I don't know. No. Great. I think that's-

Points for Hathaway. I don't think I made that up. I think that's Points for Hathaway I don't think I made that up And I think that Honestly I like sincerely think No matter what gender movie star you are

Talking about Liking it in the butt Is a cool thing for a movie star to talk about For sure And it's not even because I'm into anal It's just because It's about time people started speaking frankly about sexuality It's because I'm into anal? It's just because... It's about time people started speaking frankly about sexuality. It's because I'm sex positive.

Sure. It's because I have a sex positive attitude. Sex positive. I am. Good for you. I'm all about lesbian owned dildo stores. Sure. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Toys in Babeland. Good vibrations. These are places where they have sex things in classes. We celebrate Anal August every year. Every year we celebrate Anal August. We have a month-long celebration. And that can be a time for us to celebrate Anne Hathaway.

Is this a hand-pumped strap-on? Is this a locally sourced strap-on? Brian, do we have confirmation on Anne Hathaway anal? It was a rumor. It was a rumor that she said that. Let's just go ahead and assume it's true. Here's what I think. We assume it's false, but nonetheless, during Anal August, it's also a celebration of Anne Hathaway.

I like it. Right? I'm looking forward to Anal August this year. Separate but equal. I don't want anything rude. I don't want to say anything capricious or rude about Anne Hathaway, even if, in my opinion, it's positive. However, I do think we should celebrate Anne Hathaway. And I think that easily the most venerated time on the calendar of Jordan Jesse Go is Analogous.

So, I mean, in Analogous, we'll all try putting something in our butt and then Anna Hathaway movie marathon. If you haven't listened to our show since last – if you're a new listener since last Analogous, every year we celebrate Analogous because one time Jordan drove past a sex tour that had a sign in the window saying it was Analogist. Every year we celebrate Analogist because one time Jordan drove past a sex store that had a sign in the window saying it was Analogist. It's the Pleasure Chest on Santa Monica. They do it every year. They have not dropped Analogist. God bless them. Is this a sex

positive? It is. Sex positive? Yeah, this is not a trench coat situation. No, this is a Dan Savage type situation. Yeah, yeah. I've what we're looking for. I've been in. There's some nice punk rock lesbians that work there. Yes. They'll help you buy some spanking materials.

No matter what month it is. Sure. They only sell the anal stuff during August. Yeah. Sorry, gay men. Yeah. Well, it's- Some gay men are into other stuff.

A lot of straight guys like it in the butt. Sure. Simulates the prostate. Mm-hmm. Just ask Creed. Call back at like it in the butt. Sure. Stimulates the prostate. Mm-hmm. Just ask Creed. Call back at the end of the show. Cramming up my butt. This song is about Jesus.

Jesus, what a stimulator in my prostate. The Holy Ghost is in my rectum. It makes orgasm like one and a half times as good. With my butt wide open. That's an actual Creed song. Yeah. Okay.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. Guess what? We both just had babies.

Again. Check out the show, enjoyed by breeders and ballers alike, on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Graham Elwood, anal, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Graham Elwood, anal August captain. The countdown begins four months until anal August, a tribute to Anne Hathaway. My birthday's in August. Oh, there you go. August 5. It's going to be an all-purpose celebration. This is going to be so wonderful. On my birthday, I'm going to watch Dark Knight Rises and have a butt plug. It's going to be great.

Sounds magical. Do you think your Dark Knight's going to rise when you put that butt plug on? Jordan, Jesse, go, ladies and gentlemen. This is online. This is online at maximumfun.org. We're right here. I'm Jesse Thorne. With me, as always, Jordan Morris.

We're having a lot of fun. Comedian Graham Elwood in this studio from the comedy Film Nerds. He lives down by the beach in Santa Monica. What are you, one of those muscle guys? Yeah, baby. This is the sound board.

Respect my authority. Good work, Sonny D. Oh, no, you didn't. Right? You got it. We had a lot of fun. Brian said, hey, now. As though there's a, they're like, yeah, okay, what do we got to get on there?

We got to get something from Anchorman. We got to get something from Austin Powers. We got to get something from Larry Sanders. We got to get something from the Larry Sanders. I think Stern still uses hey, now. Does he? Yeah, Stern always used hey, now. Oh, that's great. Good for Stern. You know why? get something from the Larry Sanders show. I think Stern still uses Hey Now. Does he? Yeah, Stern always used Hey Now. Oh, that's great.

Good for Stern. You know why? Stern's the best in the business. I think Kevin and Bean will use a Hey Now every now and then, right? God, boy, I haven't had Ben on Kevin and Bean

in a while. I haven't listened to them. Hmm. I listen to Coffee and Jam Jam. Bored heads. I listened to Howard Stern

on my wife's satellite radio recently. Howard Stern's really fucking good listened to Howard Stern on my wife's satellite radio recently. Howard Stern's really fucking good at being Howard Stern. Sure. It is amazing how good at being Howard Stern. You know, people who don't listen to Howard Stern sometimes will poo-poo Howard Stern. Don't poo-poo him. Yeah.

Let him be him. Yeah. He's as good as someone could possibly be. It's amazing. Yeah. He's an amazing talent. You know, is he a little distasteful sometimes? Sure. He'll go there. Yeah. But I mean, not every show can be as tasteful as this show.

No. You know what I mean? Pure taste. Some people don't like hand pump jam. Right. You know what I mean? And that's okay. If you like machine jam, that's on you. That is on you.

But don't eat... If you like a synthetic jam. Well, don't eat machine jam being like, oh, this isn't as good as hand-pumped. You know what you bought. Right. Right. Just jam it into your jam hole.

Jam it into your jam hole for Anal August and make a... Wait, I think we need to get some clarification and clarity on what a jam hole is. It's wherever you put the jam. Okay. The jam transforms the hole. Yeah. Okay. So wherever the jam is being shoved into, that's the jam hole.

So would you say that from September through July... Listen, Jesse, I know you're not a Catholic. It's called transubstantiation. Would you say that from September through July, the jam hole is pretty much the mouth? Sure. But during Analogous, things really open up? Yeah. All bets are off.

Yeah, and I think just – I mean, just to be clear here, I want everyone on board with the correct parameters of Analogous. Thank you, Graham. To be clear here, I want everyone on board with the correct parameters of analogous. Thank you, Graham. Just be—what analogous does is opens up anything to be a jam hole, not just your rectum. Urethra. Your urethra could be a jam hole. Ears.

That's called jam sounding. Your ears is a jam cast You know what I mean Every August I like to Snort a few rails of smuckers Grape Yeah You and Willard Scott

Willard Scott Oh WS Well Graham Elwood It's been a joy Thanks guys Yeah. You and Willard Scott. Willard Scott. Oh, WS. Well, Graham Elwood, it's been a joy to have you on the program. This is super fun. Graham, you are the host of the Comedy Film Nerds podcast. Yes, myself and Chris Mancini. You're in the midst of making a documentary film about podcasts. Earbuds.

Podcasts and podcasting. Earbuds, the podcasting documentary. We have a Facebook page you can like. We're at Twitter. We're at Earbuds. Podcasts and podcasting. Earbuds, the podcasting documentary. We have a Facebook page you can like. We're at Twitter. We're at Earbuds Pod Movie. You have a Los Angeles podcast festival. Yes. Which is a lot of fun.

Yes. We're looking at number three coming up. This will be the third one, September 26th through the 28th. We're going to start announcing, start releasing shows that we're getting lined up in the next month or two. But tickets are available if you go to LAPodFest.com. We had a great time at that. It was a blast and a half. And

you're on Twitter? At Graham Hellwood. So that's enough shit, right? Yeah. And you live in Santa Monica? Baboo. Okay, so where in Santa Monica? Say your address. We got a bank routing number for you, Gru. This is all a Nigerian Prince scam.

Oh, I won the lottery. Yeah, yeah. Okay, great, great. You just need to funnel the money through my... Yeah, makes sense. We want to thank our friends at Simple for sponsoring this week's program. Simple rebuilding banking from the ground up the way it should be, putting people before policies and helping you find clarity in your finances. You can skip the wait list at simple.com slash JJ Go.

It really does. They really seem to have taken all of the crappy, shitty stuff about banks. Well, not the like large scale economy destroying parts, but like the like annoying fees and stuff and giving them the boot. Simple.com slash JJ Go. We're headed to the Pacific Northwest April 25th, 26th, and 28th, so get your tickets now, Seattleites, Portlanders, and Vancouver Grizzlies. Brian Fernandez. They're called the First Nations, Jesse.

Okay. Brian Fernandez is our producer. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.