Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 322: Brunch for Days with Robin Thede

Episode Date: April 21, 2014

Comedian and writer Robin Thede joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of therapists, their trip to an LA Kiss arena football game, and Jesse's vacation. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I want to tell you something that happened in my shrink's office. But I feel like we should introduce our guest first. My shrink. Yeah.

Doctor? No. And I feel like we should introduce our guest first. My shrink. Yeah. Doctor. No. She is a comedy actress and performer. She is a comedy writer. She is the head writer for The Queen Latifah Show. Indeed. Which stars Queen Latifah, the queen herself. Shocking.

Please welcome Robin Thede back to the program. Hi, Robin. It's great to have you. I always clap for myself. I don't know if that's good etiquette. You know, just assume that everyone at home is clapping. I did. Yeah.

Well, they started clapping as soon as they heard the queen's name. Sure. True. They thought it was her. They were like, oh, my God. They finally got her. Right. They thought back to that one episode of Fresh Prince.

They were like, yeah, that was great. Wait, she did two episodes of Fresh Prince. Two episodes. Excuse me. And in one of them, she had a broken foot. That's why she sat down the whole time. Wow. Insider knowledge.

Yeah. But you have the queen's ear. Like if we had a request for the queen, you could like take it to her. Absolutely. You could grant us an audience. Indeed. Oh, man. Can you just ask her if she'll be my friend?

You would want her to be your friend. She's very nice. I know. I do want her to be my friend. I'm not joking. I love Queen Latifah. I think I've talked about this on the show before when it comes to Queen Latifah. So apologies for maybe a repeat story. But we were playing – I think this was in college.

We were playing like Who Would You Rather with celebrities. Oh, yeah. And it was someone, someone. And I could tell that they were saying Queen Latifah as a joke answer. But I'm like, oh, I immediately answered Queen Latifah. And I'm like, yeah, I guess I have a thing for Queen Latifah. And if there was an either or situation, that would be an easy choice. Yeah, I mean, I think of all the older African-American alternative lifestyle purportedly.

Although she doesn't talk about it, but, you know, she goes to events with her girlfriend. I'm going to leave Robin out of that. Please do. Rap stars that I could pick for romance. She's easily in the top three. I'd go, well, you know, maybe Eve is probably older than me. And there was always rumors about Eve, but I couldn't speak to that.

Sure. But Queen Latifah is a beautiful woman and exceptionally charismatic. Yes. Even at the point of Queen Latifah's career where people were turning on Queen Latifah for whatever. Sure. For being in Chicago or for not being in Chicago. Really? I didn't know about that.

I think you had your urban credibility maybe went downhill from Chicago a little bit, and then there was the people that she gained from Chicago. She lost a little bit after Chicago maybe. Anyway, all of these points, I'm 100% with Queen Latifah. You're not going to turn me away from Queen Latifah, Pee Wee Herman. There's just a few people

that I just ride for. That was a very strange duo. Pee Wee Herman, the character or Paul Reuben? I don't... I distinguish. I distinguish. I distinguish because the character I will always love. The actor kind of threw me.

I abandoned him years ago. Paul Reubens could probably murder someone. Or has. I'm just kidding. It's a joke. Do not send letters. Paul Reubens is not abducting homeless people under overpasses. I don't know where you got that detail. Engaging them in some sort of battle royale situation Rubens is not abducting homeless people under overpasses and engaging them in some sort of battle royale situation.

No, actually, you know what's cool? They brought the Pee Wee Herman show back. Did it make it to Broadway? It was on Broadway. It was here in Los Angeles as well. It was incredible. It was hilarious. I really do love him. I'm kidding. I love him. And I obviously love Queen Latifah. Robin, I know exactly how you feel. Every time I come on

a podcast, people just want to talk to me about Chris Hardwick. I know. How great he is. Speaking of which. So right behind my therapist's shoulder is a bookshelf. And right on that bookshelf, right in my line of sight, if I'm not making direct eye contact with my therapist, is an enormous book that doesn't have its dust jacket on it. So it just has a huge block letters.

It's probably a four inch thick book. It's title and the title is perversions. And I feel like any time I'm talking to my therapist about, you know, my issues with my parents or whatever I'm just disappointing him because he wishes I was doing one of the things in that book perversions I thought you were going to say you're waiting for him to pull it down and go wait a minute

I need to consult a book page 79 278 but I'm going to list some symptoms do you have them? One day I might. It's just like a choose your own adventure. It leads you to the right thing based on the symptoms.

Do you find this picture of a sheep attractive? Go to page 32. Turn to page 32. Oh, no. You're in the wizard's dungeon now. Oh, my God. The book sounds awesome now. It does sound like a good book.

My therapist either doesn't think I'm funny at all or just doesn't think it's helpful for me if he laughs at my humor. Oh, my God. I've had the same problem. So one day I said to him that I couldn't help but look over his shoulder every time I wasn't making direct eye contact with him and see that he had a giant book called Perversions right there. Hello. Right. And I hope thations right there. Hello. Right. And I hope that I wasn't disappointing him. Right. And so he said, hmm, you know, or whatever he does instead of laughing.

It sounds like when you're talking to him, he just has a mouth full of taffy. Right. I see him on the Jersey Shore. Sure. He failed to mention his jaw is wired shut. His office is at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Oh, my God. It's where you get the best saltwater taffy.

By the way, my therapist is Chubby Checker, and he's only available once a year. This is awesome. Let's do the self-care twist. Yeah, exactly. Are these all twists? Yes. And his advice to me is always, do you feel like you should twist again like we did last summer? Yeah.

Just twist it out. So, yeah. So my therapist got his office redecorated, which consisted of two things. And now there's a new book and it just says- Yeah, what can I say? Where's the book? It just says, you nasty. I went.

Now he's doing therapy with an urban twist. He, this is what happened. One day I went in. There's no tchotchkes on his shelves. Normally his bookshelves have little doodads. You want some hummels. From his travels. From his travels. Asves have little doodads from his travels. As a wandering therapist?

Yeah. With no master? He's a ronin. He's sort of caridine. And also on tour as Chubby Jagger. Oh, sure. Yes, I forgot

that your therapist also tours as Chubby Jagger. From State Farm, from State Fair to State Fair to State Farm. He'll show up in a state of office.

He's actually Dennis Haysbert. We've gotten to the bottom of this. I'm losing track of this's actually Dennis Haysbert. We've gotten to the bottom of this. I'm losing track of this bit. Dennis Haysbert is the same person as Chevy Checker. Who's also your therapist. They're both so trustworthy. And their voices are so soothing. Okay.

So one day I'm in therapy and I notice there's nothing on the wall. And I say, well, how come there's nothing on your shelves besides your books? And he says, oh, we had to take them down. They're redecorating in here and they're going to put in new carpets. And I said, oh, okay. And he says, probably by this time next week there is going to be new carpets in here. I said, well, sounds like fun. You know what I mean?

This is a safe space. I said, go wild with these carpets. I came in the next week. They put in new carpets exactly the same as the other carpets. The only thing that had changed was perversions was missing. Do you think this is a test? Oh, this is some sort of test. Is this Jungian?

This is to see if you would notice if the carpets were the same, but the book was gone. And if you did, you know what that means. You have a perversion. You have a perversion. You know, he asked me if the carpets matched the drink. I should mention that my therapist, being a rock star of the late 1950s and early 1960s, is not licensed. No. No. Well, they didn't have to and early 1960s is not licensed. No. No.

Well, they didn't have to do that then. He's licensed. Black people couldn't even vote back then. But the upside was that you could be a therapist without any schooling. Yeah. I mean, the good news is that no matter what, he can tell me a little bit about what it's like to collaborate with the fat boys. That's true. That is true.

1980s. Yeah. Well, his career spans all decades, really. I have a little story about therapy. My therapist, the big bopper. Hello, baby. Wait till you get to mine, buddy Holly. Oh, no.

The day the therapy died. I had a weird situation, R.E., mental health care recently. I had been seeing a therapist. It was my first time. I had never had any kind of, you know, that before in my life. I was a little bit afraid of it, but it ended up being a great experience. And something I liked about my guy is that he would, when I would be talking about some sort of practical problem I was having, instead of like dwelling on the fact that,

oh, this career thing isn't going like I want it to, he would always have some sort of like, you know, he would redirect and we would talk about the feelings and how I could change the feelings and the behaviors and stuff like that. So it was great. It was a nice way to like – Thanks. I need a job. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Who can you give my resume to? Yeah, exactly. So I always liked that about him. And after I've had this new job for a couple weeks and I couldn't make our regular sessions, this was at like a counseling center for the uninsured. And he's like, well, I can't – you know, I don't practice on the weekends, but I do know someone on, you know, who can do Sunday sessions.

Let me, you know, refer you to him and you guys can see if you gel. His name is Father Mulcahy. Sure. His name, he lives upstairs. I call him the Big D. His name's JC, and he's a pretty cool guy. With arms wide open.

Exactly. Scott Stapp. And so I met this new guy, and, you know, I already didn't like him because I felt like he was talking shop with me, which I didn't like. He started by handing you his headshot and resume. Well, so I don't – so at the end, I'm like, I didn't like how – I thought he was kind of prying and I thought it was like, I don't really want to talk about – You don't want a therapist at price. No, exactly.

He was just kind of like talk and shop and he wanted to know a lot of details about like being in comedy and stuff like that. And I was like, I don't love this. And at the end, he's like, you know, hey, I know that, you know, I know that the business you're in comes with a lot of disappointment. I did the acting thing for a while. Wait, wait, wait. I did the acting thing for a while. And in fact, I was this close to getting into Blue Man Group. Then I called it and said I couldn't come anymore.

I just did not even give it a shot. I don't think it's just not. I don't think I can talk to this man about my problems. Did he say this close and make his fingers very close, like his thumb and his forefinger super close? This close. I mean, I was shaving my head. Was there his fingers very close, like his thumb and his forefinger super close. This close. I mean, I was shaving my head. Was there like

a little blue spot? Yeah. Please tell me there was. I had started to paint myself blue. Yes. Oh, this is from Arrested Development.

I know, yeah. This is basically David Cross' story from Arrested Development. So yeah, I don't know. But he made it though. Yeah. So this is just

the sad version. Right, exactly. Yeah, this is the guy who didn't make it that far. Oh, that's why he was available on Sunday. I know. But he made it, though. Yeah. So this is just the sad version. Right, exactly. Yeah, this is the guy who didn't make it that far. Oh, that's why he was available on Sunday. I know. Poor guy. I mean, and I guess I felt bad.

I'm like, oh, to have to career change this late in life? You thought you were going to be- Wait, you felt bad? That's why he was available on Sunday? On Sunday. Is that when the Blue Man Group performed? They have matinees. Well, it's the only day they're off.

They're very religious. Mondays. Sundays and Mondays. He's available. Yeah. He had to keep the rest of his schedule, you know. Sure. Busy for Blue Man in case.

But I felt like, hey, like maybe you'll get Cirque du Soleil. We've got 10 of those. That's very hard. Yeah. That's probably harder than Blue Man. Those people are very talented. Sure. And very good therapists I might add. Good listeners.

They're clowns. They don't talk. It's true. I had a therapist that I was seeing years ago, and she, I guess, didn't think I had enough problems at the end. I mean, I saw her for a couple of months on and off, and at the end she said, you know, I think we've reached a time when we should stop seeing each other. And I was like, wait, we're breaking up? And she was like, I just don't feel like you need this. And I was like, wait, I'm way less stable than you're giving me credit for.

But the thing I did not like about her, same thing. She was a lovely woman, but I would often crack jokes, and she never laughed. And at the most, I would just get a slight half smile. And I was like, I'm way funnier than your face would indicate. Betrayed? Yes. I didn't like that. This is the only way I know how to convey emotions.

Yeah, exactly. I don't understand why. I mean, like, are therapists in their real life? Are they these, you know, joke-less, fun-less people who don't laugh at jokes? They go to a comedy club and they're just like, interesting. Right. Interesting. That joke says a lot about you.

Now, why do you think online dating is so weird? Just set up to a joke. Don't heckle me. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Ross. Hey, Carrie. Hey, it's me, your co-host. Oh, yeah, we have a show, don't we?

We have a show. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie. It's about undercover investigations of fringe groups. Yeah, like the Tony Alamo Ministries cult. Yep, that's led by a pedophile. He's in jail. He's in jail.

Also, we became Mormons. We became Raelians, which is a UFO group. That's right. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis. Yes, the 9-11 Truthers. We got cupped. We got acupunctured. We got reiki.

Pretty much anything that you've heard of and been like, that doesn't sound quite right. We've done that. So you don't have to do it. So if you want to hear about heard of and been like, that doesn't sound quite right. We've done that. So you don't have to do it. So if you want to hear about this, and you should, then go to MaximumFun.org. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, English hat. Yeah, absolutely. I went to a hat-themed wedding the other day. You did? Yeah, lots of gorgeous hats in evidence. What kind of hat did you wear? I didn't have to wear a hat because I'm a gentleman.

Oh, I don't see why that's a rule. Ladies were encouraged to wear hats. Oh, ladies were encouraged to wear hats. I have a hat. Look, you don't have to convince me to wear a hat. Right. I often wear a hat. You thought it would be distasteful to wear a hat, though, to this.

You didn't want to upstage the ladies. It's ladies' night. What a hat. You thought it would be distasteful to wear a hat, though, to this. You didn't want to upstage the ladies. It's ladies night. What a night. No, you know, that's a solid argument. Yeah, yeah. Case closed. Wait, were they wearing like Kentucky Derby style hats? Well, some were.

Some were wearing more standard hats. The ladies and the bride was wearing a Kentucky Derby. It had things sproing off of it. Yes, yes. Sproing? A little bit of a... Was anyone wearing one of those hats that has the cup holders on the side and you could put two beers in it? With the straws, yeah.

Oh, I would love for that to have been the case. Well, it's hard to match a hat with a wedding outfit. Sure. There was a cowboy hat. One guy was wearing a construction worker hat. One guy was wearing an Indian hat. Wait a minute. Was his wedding in West Hollywood?

Hey, well, those guys can get married now. Speaking of theme. I would love it if the N.D. would marry the construction worker. Finally. Stop lying to yourselves. Speaking of themed entertainment, I feel like we would be selling you the audience short if we didn't at least give you some encapsulated recap of me and Jordan's experience attending the game of the arena football team that is owned by the band Kiss. Oh, my God.

Robin, you're a football fan, right? A huge, huge football fan. I follow you on Twitter and I see your fantasy football problems that you have. Mostly. Mostly. Mostly problems. Now you mostly, I don't follow you on Twitter, I have to admit, but I think if I remember correctly, you're mostly an arena football fan. You're really a big supporter of the San Jose Sabercats. Indeed.

That and the Puppy Bowl. Right. The two most popular footballs. Indeed. And the puppy bowl. Right. The two most popular footballs. Indeed.

But you have not been to an arena football game or thought about going to an arena football game as a – You would be wrong. Oh, no. Would we? I have been to an arena football game. The Des Moines – Barnstormers? No. What were they called? Something in Iowa.

We had an arena football team. This was in the mid-'90s. And I saw someone... Back when Iowa was hot. Yeah. It was our closest thing to a professional team. I mean, you know, Arena League, I guess. Or was it XFL?

Remember that? Anyway, I did see an Arena League football where they have the short fields. The tiny fields. Yes. A little field. 50-yard fields, right? It's a half field and it's a little – maybe a little narrower as well. Yeah. So they're playing in a single-lap pool and I think I remember this correctly.

Everybody had on a fancy hat with sprungies, right? Sure. Yeah. That sounds right. We're calling it wrong. But I did see – I seriously did see one in Iowa. I like the idea of a guy – some guy is playing football in a single-lane pool and they have to like move over to the side when

the elderly people who are having physical therapy need to do their kickboards. Yes, I like that too. So yeah, so Robin, I don't know if you've noticed the billboards. The band Kiss has bought an arena football team. Is this for real? Yes, it's 100% for real. Paul Stanley

and Gene Simmons, the legendary members of KISS, the ones who keep kicking other guys out of KISS, they own this football team. I don't know what their interest is, but they are by far the public face of this enterprise. Wow. And it's Los Angeles' only professional football team since there's no NFL team here. Now when I say Los Angeles, I'm using a loose definition of Los Angeles that includes

Orange County because they're in Irvine. Oh, they're in Irvine. And what are they called again? San Jose Sabercats is a whole other team. Oh, excuse. Sorry. He's so disappointed. I wish you could do this for me. No wonder your fantasy arena football team is doing so poorly. It's terrible. I'm owing a million. It would suck to have a fantasy arena football team because if so poorly. It's terrible. I'm 0 in a million.

It would suck to have a fantasy arena football team because if you had a guy that was really good halfway through the year, he just joins the practice squad of an NFL team. Exactly. Okay. Or he's one of the eight people that gets injured per game. We had Chris Fairbanks sitting here with us, a beloved stand-up comic, a beloved guest on this program. And we heard about this thing. We started talking about it. We all committed to going to this event.

Now, it turns out, A, it's in Irvine, which is an hour from here. Anaheim, yes. Anaheim, there you go. Anaheim, which is an hour from here, especially in the middle of the day. Forty-five, you know, depending, but generously an hour. B, it actually costs a pretty significant amount of money to go to an arena football game. Yeah.

Like in my mind, the good seats were 15 and the bad seats were 10. You know what I mean? All right. It is possible to get a $10 ticket. Right. But it's way up in the rafters. Oh, forget it. And I didn't want, look, I didn't want to.

No, I want sweat being thrown on me. You want to be by the action. You want to get hit by a football man who comes over the boundary. Exactly. I spent two weeks fucking white knuckling it on Craigslist. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What?

A pair of tickets is going to come up. Yep. They don't even have them on StubHub, just Craigslist. Yeah. Oh, yeah. A pair of tickets is going to come up. Yep. They don't even have them on StubHub, just Craigslist. A set of tickets. You have to be 420 friendly if you want the tickets. Ah, yes. So I finally, I bought them the day before. And I paid $35 a piece for them.

Wow. I figured, you know, that's only, what, $140 total for four tickets brian fernandez our producer came with us yeah and i thought you know that's that's research that's a segment on georgia go yeah that's a tax team building activity indeed you know what i mean so we we got pretty good seats for this thing and we went to the fucking game and it was madness. Was it? It's so weird. Were people all painted and wearing jerseys of their favorite team? There were some people with Kiss makeup, but not as much as you would hope. A lot of little kids had Kiss makeup, which is pretty cute.

I kind of enjoyed it. I think it was week two. I think in opening day there might have been more people with Kiss makeup. Right, right, right. So that was a disappointment. A lot of people wearing jerseys. Yes. All of the jerseys have either Gene Simmons or Paul Stanley's name on them.

Hilarious. There's none for actual players on the actual team. No, not at all. For what? Why would there be? Wait, what is the name of this team? It's called the LA Kiss. Oh, that's so fun.

It's not the L.A. Kiss. Oh, that's so fun. It's not even like named after. Mike Schmidt last week pointed out that it should be just named after a famous Kiss song or album like the Destroyers or something like that. I thought that was a good idea, but it's just called the name of the band. They're like, look, we don't want anybody to be confused. No, exactly. Their uniforms are essentially like if you took all black with a chrome helmet and then just vomited flames all over it. Sure. And do they wear platform boots?

Just miscellaneous flames. No. I don't want to see this. We did learn that there's such a thing as an arena football shoe, though. Yeah, right. Exactly. It looks like a Tom's. Yeah.

It looks weirdly like Tom's. And they give a pair of arena football shoes to a third world child. So that's nice. Oh, that's nice. It's really nice. So they can play arena football. There are, and I guess I get. Why would you punish those third world children so that's nice oh that's nice it's really nice so they could play arena football uh there are and i guess i guess why would you punish those third group children that way i think i think something i think maybe the most distinct thing about about the whole experience or i don't know the most the kissiest thing about it was that um at on end, kind of flanking the goalposts are two cages containing strippers.

Shut your face. Who just dance basically the entire time. Like, strippers, come on. I have to go to this. Kiss girls. I'm sorry, the kiss girls. Well, yes. I didn't mean to.

They're not nude. No, they're not nude. That's part of the, like, part of the whole, part of the problem with it as an experience is that they have to play a football game. Right. And the players are trying to win. And there can't be anything that a six-year-old can't see. And I would definitely see like – So there's no – you don't have to be 18 or older to get in.

No, so there can't – It's not like an adult arena football game. It's not like there could really be nudity or something. And I could definitely see, I mean, I definitely you know, I don't imagine that this is a full-time job for the Kiss girls. I imagine they do a bunch of teaching on the side. Well, teaching on the side.

Teach for America. I would see the camera would focus on one of the cage girls and you would see them notice the camera and then you would see them start to do a stripper move and then catch themselves and do something tamer. Like they almost did, you know, like a classic boob shake. And then you could see them stop and then just Roger Rabbit or something. What's weird about – what's strange about the women in the cages – and I remember there being four cage women.

Yeah. One in each corner. Two for each end zone? One in each corner, yeah. Okay, got it. And is that they're – because they – in arena football, there's always a danger that someone is going to try and kick a field goal. This is my question. And the field – the goalposts go really – they're narrow and tall.

Right. But then you can also – you can't punt but you – it's sort of complicated. But you can't punt but you can kick a field goal and miss. But then the other team can return it off the net. But anyway, the moral of the story is that there's a really tall net. And so these women in cages are actually very far away from you. So you can't really see anything that they're doing very well. They're basically like, if you imagine it's the Boston Garden, they're like Larry Bird's jersey, but dancing slightly.

Most of the time, they're just smoking e-cigarettes and reading Lean In. Nice. Nice. Got to further their education some way. That was a key element. And then there was a music element, it being a rock and roll themed thing, which was behind one end zone there was a stage. There were two things happening on this stage. One was there was a band that played at half time. Oh, one was the drummer from Quiet Riot played a drum solo and then led the crowd in a chant, which the crowd didn't understand because it was too complicated.

Now you say it. You just said a paragraph. He was there to promote a documentary about Quiet Riot that was premiering at the Newport Film Festival. Oh, I have so many questions. But I liked the drummer from Quiet Riot. He got points from me for trying to lead the crowd in a chant, even though it was too complicated for the crowd to understand.

Who doesn't like a sweet drum solo? So then there's this other band. This band was called, what were they called? The Vintage Rock Collection. It was just two words together. I don't know what, I forget what it was. It was just two random words. One of them was vintage, and clearly it was just the saddest.

It was very competent. And I want to the saddest. It was very competent. And I want to make that clear. It was very competent. The front man was sort of a slightly spark plug-ish kind of Otis Redding-y haircut black guy with a 60s outfit on. Okay. Vintage. Yeah, vintage. Faux vintage. That was the name of the band.

Faux vintage. Being a kind of... Like a kind of hollery soul singer, but he wasn't a great singer. He was a decent singer, but not quite good enough to pull off what he was doing, but it was nice that he was trying really hard. And then behind him was a sort of heavy rock band made up of just 47 year old just clearly session musicians who had just it was the most it was like someone said just some some

fucking keyboard player was just like i'm so tired of touring with Avril fucking Levine. Right. You know, people like that retro soul shit. Let's go find a black guy. Right. It seemed like, yeah, the record company is like, OK, we can put a song. Either we can pay the heavy to put a song in every commercial or we can just find these down and out

studio musicians to make a comparable band it reminds the only thing that i've ever watching a hyundai commercial won't know the difference the only thing that i ever experienced that felt as much like a cash-in as this is maybe my freshman year of college i went to a show in santa cruz uh palookaville in santa. And the... The late Palookaville. Yeah, the late Palookaville, dearly departed. And, you know, the headliner was, you know, probably Common or something like that. Right.

You know, I was 19. And maybe it was Jurassic 5, let's be honest. Ah, where's Jurassic 5? I don't know. They're off crying in unison. Damn the roots! So they... They just do junior colleges now, right?

Yeah. Jurassic 5 is awesome, though. They're probably listening. The opener... Hey, guys. The opener was a rapper who was the swing music rapper. Oh, boy. I have no idea how he got on the bill.

Because he was amazing? That was literally hip-hop swing beats. Oh, wow. This was a year after the sell-by date of the swing craze. This was 2000, 2001.

We're living in a post-Cherry Poppin' Daddy's world, is what you're saying. Yes, exactly. He had a DJ cutting up hot jazz or whatever. And he was rapping. And this felt like as much of a cash-in as that.

So that was one. This band, the Vintage Something or Other, was one of the two musical experiences. This band, the Vintage Something or Other, was one of the two musical experiences. The other was the shredder in residence. Uh-oh. Who was this blonde woman? It was not a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tie-in.

Oh, darn it. Disappointed to learn. I was hoping. A blonde woman. A splinter in residence, however. A blonde woman with an electric guitar whose job was occasionally, and I could not figure out what the occasion was. She was standing in front of the show director. There was clearly a director and a producer behind like a mixing console right there on the music stage. But it was, and she kept consulting with him like, should I shred?

Should I shred? Is there shred time? Shred time? But you know like. Just with him like should I shred? Should I shred? Is there shred time? Just point to me when I shred. I'm not going to just point. Every so often in between plays they would drop like a drum machine backing track

and she would just and what was really and she would like swing, she was really – and she would like swing. She had long blonde hair. She would swing it around. And what was really sad about it is just the players would be out on the field waiting to kick off the ball or whatever. And you can just see them standing there and they know that the shredder woman is more important than them. And so the game is going to start when she's done. Oh, clearly.

Not when they get out on the field. Right. But she seemed like a permanent employee. Then there's the Kiss Girls. Yeah. Jordan, of course, was a big fan of the Kiss Girls. I mean, I love each and every one of them. From the brown-haired one to the other brown-haired one.

I have three very important questions about this experience. I got three perfect answers. One. Was there a group of Asian hip hop dancers who seemed to have come from a local junior college? Yes. They did several dances that were not in sync. Were there also BMX tricks? Yes.

That also happened. First of all, this sounds incredible. I don't know if you're trying to undersell it, but you're overselling it. Talking about it is way more fun than being there. It was a little bit boring. Talking about it is great. It was a little boring. That was one of the weirdest parts.

With all of that going on. Even with the game going on, yeah. All right, so my question is, do you get extra points for kicking the ball into one of the cake makers? If you can make it all the way up there. No, but they do get pregnant. Okay. Then that's a point in life. Okay. Question number two. Who won the game?

Other team. Kiss lost. Cleveland somethings won. Okay. And the third question is at any point does $35 a ticket allow you to go onto the field? No, but I'm glad you brought up going onto the field. So as the snarky announcer repeatedly, well, sort of bro-y snarky. Yeah, he definitely sounds like the afternoon guy on every modern rock station.

Yeah, absolutely. Like he wasn't quite dynamic enough to be a morning zoo guy. Yeah, yeah. But he was definitely annoying and high energy. So I'm going like maybe like the Saturday at noon guy. Okay. Hey, guys, let's hear it for the Kiss Girls. Am I right?

Yeah. It's just silence. And the best – I think the ultimate demonstration of this guy was they had a thing where a fan came on the field and tried to kick a field goal. And by fan, you mean someone who accidentally went to the stadium hoping it was medieval times. Yes, the Mighty Ducks. A guy in full medieval outfit. He's like, this isn't medieval times. Oh, when are we going to eat chicken with our hands?

Okay. I might as well stay. Someone hold my joust. So this guy is trying to kick a field goal. And the only thing the announcer chimed in to say is, don't suck, bro. Jesus. He didn't announce what the prize was? Yeah, it was very low stakes. Don't suck, bro.

Thanks. So the announcer— Wait, was there a t-shirt cannon at any point? No t-shirt cannon. No cannon. Not a single— They just threw t-shirts into the audience like that was enough. We need a cannon for these t-shirts, sir.

Okay, so- We can just smell like gunpowder. That's how t-shirt cannons work, right? Yeah. It's like an old fuse. The announcer repeatedly- It's an old Acme plunger. The announcer would repeatedly tell you that if the ball went in the stands that you get to keep it.

Yeah. Which doesn't come up that much in a football game. Wait, the ball in regular play? Yeah. Like a foul ball at a baseball game? Exactly. They're saying if the football goes into the stands, you get to keep it. Yes.

And there's no real sidelines. And you can fight a six-year-old boy for it. There's no sidelines. So if somebody throws it away, it's basically when that happens. Oh, I understand. But also when somebody kicks it through the upright. So on either side of the goalposts is net netting because you can return the ball off the netting if you miss the field goal. And then kiss girls if you're lucky.

But if you kick it through. Bounces right off the kiss girls. If you kick it through there, you know, somebody can catch it. So every time they were lining up for a field goal, people would come down and try and get behind. Oh, the net is not directly behind the uprights. No, it's next to. It's on the side. It's next to the uprights.

Oh, I get it now. I get it. So every time they lined up for a field goal, everyone on the end zone section would try and jockey for position. Sure. So they kick a field goal. It lands, but it drops. Nobody catches it. It bounces back onto the field.

This enormous fat guy. I'm already excited. Just a huge, huge man in what looks like a hockey or football jersey. Right. You know, like a shaved head bald guy. Yeah. This was also the most Orange County mookiest crowd. It blew my mind.

Yeah. Like it was 95th percentile in the context of Orange County. So this guy falls out of the stands onto the field. He's rolling around on the ground.

He looks down. He realizes he's on the field. He stands up. He grabs the football. He strikes a pose. Looks at he's on the field. He stands up. He grabs the football. He strikes a pose, looks at his buddies in the thing, does a little dance, turns around, and from our vantage point, we can see that his jersey says Ice Mobile. Oh. Okay. So it clearly is a hockey jersey.

This guy is super hammered. And then he just falls back into the stands. Look out, NFL. Okay. So it clearly is a hockey jersey. This guy is super hammered. And then he just falls back into the stands. Look out, NFL. If you want a real bad experience, go to Arena. You can dance on the field and nobody will say anything. In a hockey jersey. Ain't that so? What was really – I don't know if you felt this way about it, Jordan,

but what was really hard for me about watching this game, what I enjoyed about the game was eating nachos. That was fun. Oh, yeah. But what was really, and I had poutine from the Wolfgang Puck Cafe at the Anaheim whatever it's called. Right.

The Honda Center. So that was pretty good. That sounds fun. I enjoyed that. I ate until I was sick, so that was fun. Yeah. But the thing that was really hard to deal with about this football game was that there were people playing a football game and getting injured. Like there was probably five people carted off the field. Oh, carted off? Or, you know, helped off the field in some way.

Okay. Not necessarily on a stretcher. Right. You know, like, you know, carried off on the shoulders of their teammates. The Kiss girls are all EMTs. So the Kiss girls. Well, that's nice. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. They're all trained. And I was just like, oh, fuck. These guys are getting hurt for this football game. For this game. Because this is their life stream. Oh. And I'm just here watching this lady shred at random intervals.

So it got really sad. I felt so horrible for paying these men to hurt each other so that I could just eat nachos and laugh at a guy whose jersey said Icemobile. Icemobile. As if he was the Icemobile. He just likes Icemobiles? What is an Icemobile? What is an Icemobile?

I don't know. It's a, yeah. It's not a Zamboni. But it really made me not, never want to go back to that again. Zamboni sounded too foreign, so. Well, Zamboni was also taken, so the ice mobile was just a poor man's substitute. Oh, maybe. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It doesn't actually smooth the ice. Hmm. It roughs it up. So, I mean, I guess you can look at that in two ways. It's like. No, I think you can only look at it in one way. It was sad. It was sad.

It was sad and I don't think that these men who play arena football make a living doing this, right? I mean they're probably – It's like a part-time job. Yeah. It's like WNBA salaries. I think the stars get paid like $25,000 a year or $20,000 a year or something like that. I'm guessing. Yeah.

I mean I guess there's two – obviously, yeah, like if this is a guy who hopes to play in the NFL and he rolls his ankle between BMX sessions. Right. That's all. But I guess maybe there's also another class of guy who maybe couldn't make it in the NFL and this is it. Sure. That's true. These guys want to play in the NFL. Oh, sure. But I mean – Are they young? They're young guys? Yeah. OK. That's true. These guys want to play in the NFL. Oh, sure.

But I mean, 100%. Are they young? They're young guys? Yeah. Okay. It's not like old has-beens. It's not like the Pro-Am Basketball League. I used to go to the Pro-Am Basketball League at Pizar Stadium in San Francisco.

Right. And it would be like these 38-year-old Puerto Rican guys that played professional basketball in Greece. You know what I mean? It was great. I mean, it was awesome. Like, these sort of, like, these guys who just went from weird country that has a professional basketball league to a weird country. You know, like, oh, I played two years in the Netherlands, one year in Italy.

Croatia. Yeah, I was in the Croatian leagues for a while. Yeah. There's a Puerto Rican league. But those guys go to the NBA. No, they're too old. A couple guys from the Pro-Am League. Like, when I would used to go when I was like, this was when I was a kid, like it was Jason Kidd and Gary Payton were the big stars. And Brian Shaw were the big stars of the league.

And they were all, Jason Kidd was still in high school, but I think Gary Payton and Brian Shaw were both in the NBA by then. Right. But like mostly it was just like weird old sort of semi-professional players. I think though that arena football players, I think they're trying to make it into the NFL. Wow. I don't think they are. Are there scouts?

Yeah, I don't know. Are there scouts that are looking at these guys like, excuse me, shredding lady, I'm trying to scout that quarterback. I need to, yeah. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, but are there guys like on the field who, you know, just do not have it to get to the NFL? And this is as high as they – I mean obviously they would like to be there. But is this – are there some people where this is as good as they can do?

I don't know. You know who was playing in the Arena League I think for a little while? The Llewyn Davises of the Arena football. I just watched that yesterday. Finally. It's someone who is competent but not brilliant. Well, I think that definitely is the type of player playing there. But whether they have the self-awareness to know that they should just enjoy themselves.

Yeah, I think they're just going from concussion to concussion. Yeah, I think Terrell Owens played in the Arena Football League for a little bit. You know, age 37, Terrell Owens. Yeah, definitely. He may well be. He's got child support payments to make. Seriously. Anyway, I'd overall may well be. He's got child support payments to make. Yeah, seriously. Anyway, I'd overall call the experience a mixed bag.

Glad I did it. Wouldn't want to do it again. That's totally fair. And for everyone who asked, all of our friends who are podcast fans, I texted Jimmy Pardo. Yes, Jimmy Pardo from Never Not Funny was there. Oh, was he? But he had left his phone in the car. So he texted me back at like 9.30 p.m. and was like, oh, man, I left my phone in the car.

Sorry we missed you. But you have a shared experience. That's our trip. Yes. That's our fun trip to the LA Kiss. Very nice. Let's applaud ourselves. Very nice.

Because everyone at home is applauding. You made it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective.

Robin Thede, fashion extraordinaire. Hey, guess what? Sponsor on this week's program are good friends at Hulu Plus. It's more than just Hulu, Jordan. You, I, yes.

A lot of people out there think it's just Hulu. No, it's more. But it's a lot more than that. You can watch current seasons of your favorite shows like Family Guy, Parks and Recreation, and The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. And every episode of Community in South Park. That's a lot of South Parks, particularly. Tons of South Park. That's a lot of South Park's particular love. Tons of South Park's. If you just need a hole

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You can almost watch every South Park then. I think you could probably watch every – if you – how about this? If you watch every South Park in two weeks, I'll give you 50 bucks. If you watch every South Park in two weeks, I'll give you 50 bucks. Make this thing pay for you by going to HuluPlus.com slash JJGo. That's HuluPlus.com slash JJGo. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I'm wearing pajama pants, people. Like they are in Paris Fashion Week right now. Right now it's Celine. On all the runways.

Right now someone at Celine is taking notes and she just wrote down pajama pants. All the rage. Dave Matthews Band Concert Chic. It's the new look. When something momentous happens to you, our listeners, we have you call us and share it with us. The number to call, 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. The email address to email if you're too afraid to have your voice heard is jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

The segment is called Momentous Occasions. Let's hear our first call. Hello. Greetings, Jordan, Jesse, and distinguished guests. This is Abraham calling from the South Shore in Massachusetts. I have a momentous occasion to share. I was recently taking a hike enjoying this beautiful spring weather and came upon an incredible work of art that I can only assume some sad young man had constructed. He had arranged a bunch of rocks in these three-foot-tall letters to spell out P-R-O-M? You know, it is prom season around here, and I can only assume that this gentleman was

taking his respective date out to pop the question. So I took the opportunity to rearrange those stones to spell A-N-A-L. God, I died laughing for the rest of the day. I'm sure you'll enjoy that one, Jordan. Have a great day. Thanks. I didn't enjoy it. You're wrong.

Right, because I'm sure Jordan, wow, Jordan's a nice guy. He might have ruined someone's amazing romantic gesture. I feel like he's changed the very fabric of time. This might be the worst person who's ever called in to Jordan DeGiro. He was giddy. Yeah.

You guys will love this. Well, you know, he is from the south shore of Massachusetts, right? It's very dangerous. I don't know anything about... The south side of any city is dangerous.

No, you're right. Have you been to the south side of Chicago? People are always... That's where my family's from. People are always ruining each other's prom invitations. Always ruining each other's rock formations of promposals. This is just rude.

Now, my question is this. When the guy brought his potential prom date to the rock formation, said, you know, take off your blindfold and then turned around, she was like, all right, sure. And then he was like, yes, we're going to prom. And then he read what it said. He's like, oh, well, that's good, too. Yeah, I'll take it. So he might have done the one guy a favor. Oh, yes.

I thought you'd never ask. Did you guys do cute prom asks as kids or as high schoolers? As young adults. As young people. I'm a girl. I got asked. Oh, was there a cute one? No, because back then in the 40s, no one did promposals.

People would just kind of – You just went to the barn dance. Yeah, they just like smacked you in the back of the head at your locker and was like, hey, want to go to prom? It was kind of like that. I asked a girl once. I don't know if it was to prom. I went to one of the lesser dances. Bro. It was kind of like that. I asked a girl once. I don't know if it was to prom. I went to one of the lesser dances.

But she worked at Togo's, which is like a lesser Subway. Of course. Maybe not lesser, but less prominent. I think they heated their sandwiches first. Oh, you think they were the first ones to toast it? I think so. Could be. What about Queezbox? No, just heated.

They didn't toast them. Oh, okay. Yeah. They just had the hot fluorescent lamps. Exactly, like the Easy Bake Oven. She worked at Togo's. I did a thing where I wrote, will you go to prom with me on a piece of paper, put it in between two slices of bread, went into the Togo's, gave it to her, and I'm like, hey, I made you a sandwich. Look at you.

And there was the prom ask in there. That's very novel. And the answer was? It was yes. Nicely done. And after prom, in there. That's very novel. And the answer was? It was yes. Nicely done. And after prom, nothing happened. Yeah.

Yeah? Right? Yes. All right, Jess. That was a lot of fun. That sounds cute. I like that. I'm glad that,

I feel like that cleansed the palate from this guy that changed the thing. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to, you know, sound like I'm hating on the guy, but that's I'm glad. I feel like that cleansed the palate from this guy that changed the thing. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to, you know, sound like I'm hating on the guy, but that's kind of rude. I think I'm going to hate on him. Robin, you're nicer than me, so I think I'm going to straight up hate. All right, there you go. Yeah, I'm full of hate right now.

Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. That's me drinking haterade. Pass it around. I am refreshed as hell. Our sponsor on this week's Jordan Jesse Go. Haterade. Pass it around. I am refreshed as hell. Our sponsor on this week's Jordan Jesse Go. Haterade. Yeah. I mean, he should have at least, I mean, you'd have to gather more rocks for this, but at

least change it to something that, like, would be fun for the girl. Like, you can say, like, cunnilingus. Right. And not to say that anal can't be fun for both parties, but I think cunnilingus is more likely. You know, I don't know. I read an article in New York Magazine that says butt play is all the rage among hip New Yorkers. That was Cosmo.

Hip heterosexual New Yorkers. You're thinking of tapas bars. Are all about butt play. That was always about artisanal cheeses. I'm so confused. Jordan. Oh, you put them in your butt. The cheeses.

Oh, that's why. Yeah, that's where they go. The two are not mutually exclusive. You get a nice thinly sliced ham up there. Yeah. It's brunch for days. A dried ham. Brian writes down brunch for days.

And a barrico. Okay, let's take another call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. I'm driving in a small, tiny Nebraska town named Wahoo, and I almost got backed into by a carpool of a drug boy just now, and when I looked to see what was the problem,

it looked like they had something in their back window obscuring their view. On closer inspection, it was a monkey in a diaper in the back of the car. I don't understand what's going on. Okay, bye. See, number one, I'm glad that this guy called us at the right time, which is when he still hadn't figured his shit out. That's what we want. We want people to call right away.

In the moment. Yes, yes. Well, I have to say, this happened to me. You got hit by a monkey car? I was driving down the 405 the other day and I almost rear-ended someone trying to get a better look at what was in their rear window. Right. It was a man driving a Toyota Solara, which was a problem. I mean, that's a hip car.

Yeah. But – He was probably going – where was he going? Probably a Coachella, right? You jump in the Solara. I'm sure. Head right to the DJ tent. Right.

He has what looks like a fuzzy sprocket from Fraggle Rock sort of dog in the window, but it's where the headrest would be. And I'm confused because the dog's not moving but his eyes are huge and I'm like, this dog is in trouble. Sure. So I'm... They can sense danger. They can sense danger

and a man driving a Solara is clearly dangerous. And so I'm driving faster. It could have been a grandma in disguise. Well, I get up close right on the bumper of the car and realize it's a picture

covering the back of the headrest made to look like this. A frightened dog. Yes. And I'm like, what kind of a sick person does this? And I came very close to rear-ending him. So it wasn't a monkey in a diaper, but I do understand how things in the rear window can be very distracting.

Do you think that it was some kind of insurance scam? He wasn't in the carpool lane. I thought it was a carpool scam at first. Yeah. He was like, I have a giant dog. That's fine, right? And look, he's scared. Yeah.

I don't know. But the monkey in a diaper. I feel like don't pet monkey situations always turn out with someone getting their face and genitals ripped off? Yes. Why keep the monkey after so many? Or getting arrested. Look at Justin Bieber. Oh, that's right. He did get arrested for monkeyitals ripped off. Yes. Why keep the monkey after so many? Well, he didn't get arrested. Look at Justin Bieber. Oh, that's right.

He didn't get arrested for monkey possession. Absolutely. He got arrested for having a monk? Yes. I think they took it away from him in Abu Dhabi or something. Yes, he was somewhere overseas, and the monkey had assaulted someone, and he didn't have a permit or something for the monkey. Do you have a permit for a monkey?

Monkey permit? Yeah, they have to have a chip. They do have to be spayed or neared. Can I tell you guys, when I went on vacation this past week to Ojai, California. Oh, lovely. Beautiful Ojai, California. And as I was driving back, I stopped at the mountain gas station to pump some gas into my vehicle. And there was a guy in like a monster truck pumping some gas into his monster truck right across the old pump station from me.

And he was wearing one of those memorial T-shirts. You know those kind of memorial T-shirts? Like for – They have the name of the dead on the back? Yeah. It's got like a picture on it, like a photograph on the front and on the back. It's got a – Usually like some dude's nickname.

Yeah. Lil someone. Yeah. And so on the front is a picture of a kind of, you know, like – I don't know. How would you characterize the kind of guy that you would expect to see on the front of a memorial T-shirt in Ojai, California, Jordan? I mean – For those who aren't Southern Californians. It's certainly like someone who has died in an ATV or dirt bike accident.

Yeah, exactly. So I think that's – I was thinking Notorious B.I.G. Yes, I was wrong. No, you're thinking of a different place. Sorry. A very different place. I think that's the classic type of guy that would be on the front of one of these T-shirts.

Right. But there are none of those type of guys in Ojai. Okay, got it. Monster truck should have been a clue. Ojai may have like a parade every year in honor of its black person. Come on, Otis, let's go. It's Otis Fest. It's Otis Fest.

It's the same rock jock from the afternoon. Hey, guys. It's Otis Fest. From 1 to 2 on March 23rd. So I'm not going to say the guy's full name because I don't want to be disrespectful to the guy. Sure. And it certainly is sad. He had that tragic jet ski, actually.

Sad that he passed on. But on the back it said, Ryan F., 1980 to 2011, always in our hearts. F, 1980 to 2011, always in our hearts. And then it has his nickname in quotation marks, which was Dude Bra. Dude Bra. Dude Bra. Bra. Dude Bra.

That's his nickname. He left us too early. The late Dude Bra. His nickname is so redundant. I'll always remember Dude Bra. Dude Bra. I mean, it always smoked us out. Wait a minute. Loved the scarf wings. Loved to chow down on some guac. Right? I'll always remember dude bra. I mean, it always smoked us out. Wait a minute.

Loved the scarf wings. Loved to chow down on some guac. Right? But is it? Wait a minute. Was the dude heavyset in the picture? No, he was. Because I was wondering.

He had hungry eyes. Oh, he had hungry eyes. Yeah. Well, is it dude bra or is it dude bra like he needed? No, there was an H at the end. There was an H at the end. Okay, okay, okay. So it was – That means it's an awful nickname for a fat guy.

I know. Dude Bra. But it is – Let's put his mean nickname on the back of this. Because that's what I want. Let's tease him even in death. Yeah, exactly. Dude Bra.

Taunt him from beyond the grave. I feel like dude bra without an H, the cruel nickname for a fat guy, is the kind of nickname that a group of people would come up with who also came up with the nickname dude bra. Is there a comma? With the H. No. Just dude bra. Dude. Dude bra. Bra.

I like saying it with an aspirated vowel. There's no space. There's no comma. Dude bra. Dude bra. Dude bra. Dude brah. Brah. There's an implied aspirated vowel. There's no space. There's no comma. Dude brah. Dude brah. Dude brah. Dude brah. Your passing has made us bummed.

What was the funeral like? 2011, you harshed our mellow. 21 t-shirt canid salute. Come to dude brah's funeral. Attire, casual flip-flop. And nickel wings. Robin. Ladies in free before nine.

Why is it at nine? Why is it at a Buffalo Wild Wings? Well, I think that's pretty obvious. Dude Bra would have wanted it that way. Dude Bra would have wanted it. Robin, I got a question for you. Yeah. So I know that you sometimes voice award shows.

Yeah, I do. And I guess I'm wondering if you think that I might be able to use this voice to score some award show games. Yes, at Kids' Choice. Yeah. Our Stomping Rounds. What are our – oh, Teen Choice. Congratulations. Yeah, yeah.

Robert and I co-hosted the live stream of the Teen Choice Awards. Jack Black for winning Teen Choice. Congratulations. Yeah, yeah. Robert and I co-hosted the live stream of the Teen Choice Awards. Congratulations to Jack Black for winning every award. Yeah. Or you could just be on an episode of like Awkward or something on MTV. Oh, yeah. Just an awkward VO. That was one thing that happened to me in Ohio. And then one other thing happened to me in Ohio.

I was at like a – I was at like a resort. And a resort is not usually my thing. But it was what we could figure out with two small children that was within driving distance, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So it's this resort. And there was a spa at the resort where I availed myself. Was it spelled with an H at the end? Yeah. Okay. Spa. Dude spa.

Dude spa. There's a lady spa at a dude spa. I did a great job of going. I totally went and got a massage at the spa, and then I hung out in the hot tub naked with my dong out. Hey, great. Walked around with my dong out. You can't run with those hot tubs. Bacteria.

Did a really good job. Well, you should get a load of my dong if you're worried about the hot tub. It's a little Petri dish. That's what's going to be on his t-shirt. His dong was a petri dish. They used it in fourth grade chemistry. The area outside of the spa had a cafe and a courtyard. This is nice.

I kind of like the sentiment here. There's a sign on the cafe table. Jesse handed me his phone. And this was on every cafe table and also as you entered. Okay. Freedom zone. Free from cell phones, pets, smoking, and disquieting conversations. And I

like that you took it with your cell phone. Now, here's the thing. Yeah, Jesse. Why do you disrespect the freedom zone? I'm going to follow this down the line here. So I'm going to start with the main gist of it, which is no cell phones or smoking. Right.

Or whatever. Like that is perfectly reasonable. Sure. That would be to have that on the courtyard outside of the spa because everyone's spying out, right? Look, I fucking got a relaxation massage. Exactly. You know? I was totally – I was like jelly

right you know what I mean kind of loosey goose you got it if you asked me how loose was my goose I would instead of responding

with the rest of that traditional chant I would just say extremely loose right great so all of that I'm on board with

and then they put freedom zone on it which makes me a little feel weird right because it feels like they're trying Zone on it, which makes me a little feel weird. Right. Because it feels like they're trying to tie it in to like 9-11. Sure. Oh.

Well, and outside of that zone, are you not free? Yeah. That's the other question. The servitude zone. Wait a minute. That makes it sort of punk rock. Well, that's true. You know, if there's somebody smoking, you're really not free.

You're not free. You're being forced to breathe carcinogen. I'm just trying to live my fucking life, man. Right? Free. Also, do you have any change? If not change, how about dollars? I'm trying to get money together to go to an L.A. kiss game.

My girlfriend's a dancer in the cage. Okay. She says if I don't come to one of the games, she's breaking up with me. So demanding. I'm going to leave that aside as well. Ultimately, the breaking point for me was the

notion of disquieting conversation. I was like, what does this mean? Like if someone brings up, like, if everyone is sitting there quietly, not smoking or using their cell phones. Right. And two people are at a table and one of them just says to the other one like, you know, I think we're going to die and I don't believe in God. Whoa.

Can we bring this back around? Can we bring this back around? Yuck. Or like, you know, we just spent $150 on a massage and there are people who are dying right now in Africa. Woo, woo, woo. The spa police come over. I'm sorry, sir. People are very disquieted by this.

Like, or just, just like, just somebody saying just real quiet and gently like, what's your favorite scene from The Shining?

Excuse me. We're going to have to ask you to change gears here if you can talk about speculation about the Mad Men finale but no spoilers. I would appreciate

that. Why am I picturing the ghost of Dude Bra being like, dude, bra, just quieting. We're trying to chill over here. I can't talk about my girlfriend's borschen. Can I? Borschen. Yeah, he calls it borschen. Yeah, I was just

like, what is going to happen there? My grandma needs surgery and I don't think she's going to make it? Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave. That's very deeply disquieting. I think someone didn't know what that word meant. I bet it just means not loud. I think they meant speak softly. I think they meant speak softly and they didn't realize what they were writing.

Yeah. Which is even more fun. Yeah. I'm on board for just quieting. You can have an upsetting conversation. What about this one? At this volume. Let's say they're at the thing and they say, did you try that lavender bath oil?

Say, yeah, I did. It was amazing. What do you think about the fact that Hitler was democratically elected? Just to ease him into it. Yeah. You already got him. I just don't know if I can enjoy Woody Allen movies anymore. That's the perfect one.

Yeah. Okay. Did you see Bryan Singer? He just walked into the room. No? Way too inspired. Bryan Singer's here. He's also done some gross stuff.

Do we have one more? Okay, one more. Allegedly. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. This is Catherine from Seattle. I was calling after some major excitement seeing JJ go carved into a park bench. I handed it out to my boyfriend, who's also a fan of the show, and he unfortunately disappointed me by telling me that it said JJ69.

So just thought you guys should know. Thank you, Matthew. Bye. Wow, good news. Can we start hashtagging the show JJ69? Yeah, our show has a new title. Yeah. Jordan JJ69.

That's got to be a T-shirt. And slightly disquieting. Yeah, that was a little disquieting. Yep, yep, I like it. Do you realize we never answered anything about the monkey in the diaper? Oh, yeah. Well, it's fun. Who cares?

Yeah, right? Like, what's the big deal? It's fun for a few years, and it's going to murder that couple who's driving it around wearing a diaper. When do people realize that monkeys have monkey strength? They've got tons of monkey strength. They have so much monkey strength. It is superhuman. And chimpanzees especially, which people like to hang on to, get very large.

Yeah. And can literally rip a car door off. Sure. They go right for the face and neck in genitals. Remember when Oprah interviewed the lady whose face got ripped off? I don't. Oh, I do. I have a point to make here, folks, which is this.

I have a two-and-a-half-year-old, and it's taught me to see the world in a new light. Specifically, animals are so cool. Just different animals. We have a listener named Rebecca, a longtime supporter of Maximum Fun, and her daughter loves pets. Now, they have a fair number of pets, but they also like to visit animals

and pet them. Sometimes Rebecca will post pictures of this on Facebook. Every new animal they pet brings new love to my heart. It petted a sugar glider recently. It's as cute as it gets. Now, when I was on vacation in Ojai, I took a side trip. I headed out to Galeta, California, possibly called Galeta, California or Galeta, California.

Either way. California, possibly called Galita, California or Galeta, California. Either way. I'm going to call it Galeta, California, where my friend Chef Julia has a restaurant called The Goodland Kitchen, which I recommend to anybody who wants a totally amazing sandwich in Galeta, California, right by the Santa Barbara airport. There you go. Julia also lives on some kind of petting zoo farm. So she took us.

My son is with me. My son is two and a half. My other son is six months. My wife and my sister-in-law and I and Julia went out to her house 15 minutes from this restaurant in Santa Monica Airport. And they not only had two mini horses and a bunch of regular horses and two Easter bunnies. They also had four donks. Pretty good. One of the donks was named Robbie. Yeah.

He was the friendliest of the donks, although, as Julia took pains to explain, all of the donks are very friendly. Robbie got a little bridle on, and he came out to visit us. No. I fed some carrots to Robbie. I petted him. He was scritchy scratchy. And then they took him back

in the barn, slaughtered him and made the most delicious sandwich. Just the best. Throw a little horseradish on there. But here's the thing. It was the first time that I have ever petted a donkey. In all of my years of loving miniature donkeys and being a noted miniature donkey enthusiast, I had never had the opportunity to pet one.

How'd it go? It was wonderful. That's great. It's great that it lived up. Robbie was adorable. He was cuter than the mini horses, and he was sweeter than the mini horses. Now, did he make any donkey sounds? Were you able to witness any firsthand? Oh, every animal

makes its own sound. Robin? I was aware of that. Is there a cord I can pull to clarify this? No, but donkeys have that very, you know, that very, that eee-aw, that very, it's very cartoon appropriate. He made a little, he did a little bray. He gave me a little

bray, but mostly he was just being really sweet. Oh, that's nice. He did a little bray. He gave me a little bray, but mostly he was just being really sweet because he loves people because that's his whole deal. Fucking getting carrots. I want to know, what's the difference between a regular bunny

and an Easter bunny? An Easter bunny is a bunny that you see with a two-year-old shortly before Easter. There you go. Yeah. Very cute. Anyway, 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, There you go. Yeah. Very cute. Anyway, 206-984-4FUN

is our telephone number. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Have I got great news for you, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. There is new and exciting stuff happening on board ship at the second annual Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival, a.k.a. BoatParty.biz. I'm just going to run down this list of people and the amazing comedians and you're going to recognize basically every most beloved Jordan Jesse Go guest ever, except for Robin Thede. Number one, Greg Barron.

Number two, Kamau Bell. Number three, Chris Fairbanks. Number four, Moshe Kasher. Number five, Karen Kulgaroff. Number six, Kyle Kinane. Number seven, Natasha Leggero. Number eight, Morgan Murphy. Number nine, Kyle Kinane. Number seven, Natasha Leggero. Number eight, Morgan Murphy. Number nine, the great John Roderick. And how about this?

Jean Grey. She's going to be rapping. And she's a friendly, funny lady. And furthermore, there's more music acts that we haven't announced yet. But I haven't announced those yet. Plus, we just added the great Guy Branum. He's a hilarious guy. Been a great guest on this program.

And Tony Kameen and Carol Kolb. Carol Kolb, past editor of The Onion and head writer of The Onion News Network and of Andy Daly's brilliant comedy art program review on Comedy Central. So there's going to be all kinds of great stuff. Go to boatparty.biz for more information. It's coming up this July and you won't want to miss it. It will be the best way to spend your summer vacation days. Go to boatparty.biz right now. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Robin Thede, special guest of the day. Well, Robin, it has been a joy and a delight to have you on the program. Not that it ever isn't, but just it's very fun to chat with you. Oh, I love you guys. Thank you very much. Will you say something nice to Queen Latifah about us?

I will. What should I say? That we're cool and that we like her and want to kiss her. I don't know. I'll get back to you. I'll send you an email. You guys should come to the show. I would love to want to kiss her. I don't know. I'll get back to you. I'll send you an email. You guys should come to the show. I would love to come to the show.

That would be fun. You can tell her you have a friend with his own NPR show and she can come on it whenever she wants if she wants to promote her hit daytime talk show. Indeed. Because all of that is true. Indeed. I would love to have Queen Latifah on Bullseye. I would love to have Queen Latifah on Bullseye. You can tell I just interviewed Russell Simmons.

She's probably best friends with Russell Simmons. I don't know if they're best friends, but we had them on the show and they were very friendly. Did he want to talk about meditation the entire time? Yes. Every time I brought up rap music. He's like, so here's an asana. What? But he was a trip, but I really liked him.

I found him to be a winner. He is a winner. He's very frenetic. Yeah. He's very frenetic. Yeah. Yeah. He's a busy guy. Anyway, thanks this week to our sponsor, Hulu Plus, where you can binge on thousands of shows anytime, anywhere. You can get an extended, double-length free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash jjgo.

Do not, under any circumstances, go to huluplus.com slash JJ69. No. That's a whole other Hulu. Not yet. Whole other thing. Huluplus.com slash JJ Go. A quick reminder, if you're listening to this in the Pacific Northwest, we are spending Friday, Saturday, and Monday

in your environs. Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. We've got Jordan and Jesse, go and stop podcasting yourself in Portland and Seattle. And what I'm calling Jesse Thorne and his podcast pals in Vancouver, let's just say there was a podcast. Maybe you just heard their name. And maybe they were based in Vancouver.

And let's just say they had an exclusive deal that said that they couldn't announce on the bill that they were performing. And let's just say that Jordan had to fly back to Los Angeles to write on his hit television program. Then what you would get is three guys who are called Jesse Thorne and his podcast pals. I think you've probably figured it out by now. It's Jesse and Mark Maron. Yeah. That's it.

Simon Fraser University. All that information and all the ticket links are at Maxim Maron. Yeah. That's it. Simon Fraser University. All that information and all the ticket links are at MaximumFun.org. Go now because if you blow this, you're going to miss everything. We got John Roderick and Luke Burbank on this thing. Come on. Give me a break. Jesse. You got some dates?

Well, here's what I've got. I'm excited about this tour. Right. I don't feel like people are pumped about it enough on the internet I'm concerned about that too Oh internet you need to get pumped We know Xena's pumped

Xena Chu is pumped But basically no one else Jesse I've planned two meetups Do you think Zylo Art is pumped? I should hope so I don't know where Zylo Art lives Listen I've planned two meetups

in hopes to rally some enthusiasm. Okay. My last two meetups have not gone well. That's because you did a horrible job planning them. A genuinely awful job. Sure. In my defense,

sometimes they'll leave up the Yelp page for a restaurant that is not around anymore. That happens, but I have called two restaurants. Right. a restaurant that is not around anymore. Oh. That happens, but I have called two restaurants. Right. I have confirmed that they're open. Yes. They are reserving space for us.

Excellent. Here's what we're doing. April 25th. This is your chance to meet us, the LA Kiss players, and the Kiss girls. Nice. April 25th. This is after the Portland show. We're going to yours bar and grill. Y-U-R-S.

It's at 717 Northwest 16th Avenue. Going to get there around 10. Yours bar and grill. Number one. April 25th. Seattle, Washington. April 26th, we're going to the Auto Battery. It's at 1009 East Union Street.

They're reserving space for us. We'll have little rooms in the back. There are a food full bar at both of them. Little champagne rooms, huh? Little champagne rooms. No touching. Are these 21 plus? You guys should pay for it.

Yeah, I mean, I'll look the other way. Are these 21 plus venues? These are 21 plus situations, so no babies. But the auto battery has a skee-ball and air hockey. What? I am traveling to Seattle just to see this. You should. My sincere apologies to the guy who's under 21 that wanted to go to a meetup in either Portland or Seattle and posted about it on the MaxFun Reddit.

I feel bad, but how about this? Get a fake ID. Number eight. A, you've got a week to get a fake ID. Yeah, get it together. B, you can come up to us after the show. We'll sign an autograph. Sure.

And, you know, who knows? Who knows where it goes from there? I signed a Nintendo DS at WonderCon this week. What did you sign it? Say no to drugs. Did they think you were Wario? They did think I was Wario, to be fair. Oh, that's why.

But I didn't correct him. Yeah. Actually, you shouldn't. I just said, it's a me. Exactly. Yes. I love treasure. It's a me.

I love to take treasure. And then they thought you were Johnny Depp. It got weird. Yeah, it did get weird. Johnny Depp, come see this terrible movie I made. Robin, is there anything important we should know about your career besides that folks should check out the fun sketches on the Queen Latifah show. The Queen Latifah does a great job. We do have some really fun stuff coming up.

It sweeps, right? It sweeps. It's a daily talk show, but it's turning into more of a variety show. We are doing more sketching. You know, if anyone has Googled me at this point and is still here for the podcast to learn about me, which I'm assuming is everyone. Sure. Yes.

I'm a sketch comedian and improviser by trade. So we are trying to infuse more of that into the show. Yeah. That's the Theti trademark. It's true. Yeah. That's actually also what you brought to the UNCF gala dinner. Right.

That you were the announcer for. Right. For the UNCF evening of stars. Okay. Great. Brian Fernandez is our producer. MaximumFun.org is our website. How about this?

Hashtag for the meetups, hashtag JJ69. There you go. Oh, there you go. Hashtag JJ69. If you're coming to the shows, JJ69. Yeah, JJ69 is the hashtag

for our Pacific Northwest tour with our friends Stop Podcasting Yourself. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records, part of their wonderful CD, Kites Are Fun, The Best of The Free Design, which we recommend highly. Sincerely, it's a wonderful record. That's it. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Maximumfun.org.

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