Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 324: White People Be Peein' with Nick Adams and Jasper Redd

Episode Date: May 12, 2014

Jasper Redd and Nick Adams join Jesse for a discussion of growing up in the woods versus the city, summer camp, and a key difference between white people and black people.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Nick, repeat Adams once again. Sitting in for Jordan Morris. I don't remember where Jordan went. To a wedding? I love that you guys are so close. At some point he told you exactly why he wasn't going to be wedding. I love that you guys are so close. At some point, he told you exactly why he wasn't going to be here, and you nodded your head and immediately let that information leave your brain.

Well, it's sort of like everything that we say on Jordan, Jesse, Go! We see each other for two hours and talk to each other for two hours every week on Jordan, Jesse, Go! Way more than most friends talk to each other in person. Exactly. And any time anyone comes up to talk to us about something that happened on Jordan Jesse Go, and I'm not just talking about something that happened five years ago on Jordan Jesse Go. I'm talking about something that happened five days ago on Jordan Jesse Go.

I have no clue what they're talking about. I don't just not remember the specific turn of phrase or something. I do not remember the subjects. I could not name three subjects that went on in the last Jordan-Jesse go. Okay, this is like a brief neurological discussion, but

how does the brain work? Is it like a sponge where, because you remember someone's batting average from 87 to 92, that shit that Jordan is telling you just can't get in there. Like there's just no – something has to leave before that can get in there. Do you think that the problem might be it's like that – have you ever taken that test where you're watching a video of some guys dribbling and passing a basketball

and because you're supposed to follow the path of the basketball, you miss that a guy runs behind them in a gorilla suit? Yeah, yeah. I think it might be like that. I'm so keyed in on making the show continue to happen that by the end of it, no matter what the other thing, whatever the content was, that's like the gorilla passing by. That I couldn't care about less. Rihanna is blowing Dick Cheney right here and you're just like, I can't even let my brain have it. Let's introduce our guest on the program.

You know him as one of the hosts of MaximumFun.org's Own the Goose Down. Great stand-up comic. He has a hilarious new special on Netflix called Jazz Talk. Mr. Jasper Redd. Yeah, thanks for finally having me back, damn it. I've been waiting, man. Great to have you guys back on the program. You have Nick on all the time, man,

but you don't holler at your boy. Well, we're here now, gentlemen. Let's not make this into a peace or a fight. I had some emotions bottled up. I was waiting to get on. There's no need to cause friction here. I'm just saying. Jasper basically just gave someone a funny older black man in a hilarious comedy movie introduction just now.

Just put him on a porch in a rocking chair and go about casting the rest of the movie. Because he just gave you a home run scene. Like a Judd Apatow, Amy Poehler comes out and is like, Roscoe, why did you do that? And then Jasper says exactly what he just said. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Dumb people get that shit

greenlit. That's right. All we need is a few pieces in place and we're in production in six months. Jasper, is your career just waiting for you to get your hands on one of those white beards that Martin Lawrence wore in that movie Life? Yeah. Yeah, at this point, I mean, as long as they in a dress. I put on a little white beard and some makeup. Make me over, Hollywood.

Make me over. You want people to see the possibility, not just what you present directly, but the opportunities that could arise. Right. Given your talents. Exactly. People have told me I am an old soul. So, you know, being that dude on that porch in that rocking chair, that's been me. And I think you're also a gifted actor and you've been described as chameleonic.

Right. Based on your performance in the movie. That's right. Also his affinity for the Herbie Hancock song Chameleon. Yeah. But you know what you need? If you're in the comedy store on the strip, they have all the headshots of comics from back in the day,

and you see, like, holy shit, Michael Keaton did stand-up or whatever, and someone will have that headshot that you've seen where it's, like, them in multiple outfits and poses. Like, I can be a wacky clown. I can be like a mind. The 8x10 is cut into four panels. Right.

And one, they're a firefighter. So it shows the different sides. I can be an old man with a cane. Yeah, man. I'm for that. That's what you got to give them. You got to paint the whole. That's my lane.

I'm for that. That's what you got to give him. You got to paint the whole. That's my lane. What do you think? What would you say, Jasper, are the four quartiles of like if you had a four part headshot? Number one, of course, we have old man, not unlike Martin Lawrence in the movie Life. His like Grady-esque character. Then I would say in that second panel, I'd be that Jimmy Walker slash J.J.

You know, got that role. Would it say underneath? That's always an option. Dynamite? Yeah, do you choose your catchphrase or do you let them sort of give you one? I let it come natural. Right, right. You know, so I just let it come natural because you know I'm going to say something.

Yeah, yeah. We don't know what you're going to say. We don't know what it's going to be. Yeah, it has to feel spontaneous. You can't just write out, like, give it to him, daddy. And then, like. It's like why Tracy Morgan never memorizes any of his lines. Yeah.

It would spoil the moment. And, you know, that third one is that dude that's like, let's say, like that Sidney Poitier. You know what I'm saying? Okay, like a look who's coming to dinner type guy? Yeahney Poitier. You know what I'm saying? Like a look who's coming to dinner type guy? Yeah, but more country. You know what I'm saying? Oh. That's a little bit Morgan Freeman-y.

Right. Yes. Like a young Morgan Freeman, though. Magic, magic, magic. Like a public television Morgan Freeman? Yeah, because think about it. Young Morgan Freeman didn't get to G off. Like he was stuck on the electric company.

He wasn't like a leading man. He was singing and dancing. Yes, he was. About math and science. Right. A valuable service. Right. But, you know,

he never got his Denzel thing, you know. Right. So I would, if I could make one recommendation, you want to do a lot of the Morgan Freeman stuff, but not the earring.

So I think that's going to throw it off. Right, yeah. Morgan, you know, he tried to be old, but not the earring. So I think that's going to throw it off. Right, yeah. Morgan, you know, he tried to be old but hip. You know, he's trying to hold on to that electric comedy thing. What's his name? He was in 60 Minutes. Ed Bradley.

Ed Bradley, yeah. And Harrison Ford. Still, Harrison Ford is holding on to the earring, which is crazy. I'm embarrassed that I have the last little remnants of the ear piercing. The hole hasn't closed yet. Yeah. In middle school, I got my ear pierced. No interest.

I'm embarrassed that it hasn't gone away all the way. I worry sometimes that someone's going to photograph me and it's going to show up and uh just on some you know i was going to say perez hilton but like a lower level perez hilton for comedy podcast comedy podcasters and public radio personalities and there's going to be just like a red arrow pointed at where i used to have an earring. And also they're going to figure out a way to photograph the fact that as a child I had a rat tail like Karate Kid. Until I was 13 years old. Rat tail. Until like 1993.

Rat tail out of the deep south. No excuse for it. Rat tail, yeah. Deep south. I don't know who said the rat tail was cool, but they told everybody wrong. You know what makes a little kid look more adorable? A random piece of long hair.

No one does it. Yes. I don't know why the rattail. I had a brief, like in the late 80s, early 90s, during the height of my, like sort of tribe call quest,

brand newbie and poor righteous teacher, poor righteous teachers. Maybe I'll get a nose piercing. It was like six months where I was like in the back of my mind and I came to my senses. There was a brief – briefly in the mid to late 1990s, the neighborhood I grew up in started gentrifying. And one of the things that happened was this guy moved in into the building

next door to ours. He and a friend bought this building. It was two flats. And his apartment had a big window in its kitchen that faced... Flats? Yeah, flats. I'm going to let that slide. But a flat is when the apartment is the whole floor. Really? Yeah.

I didn't know that there was an official designation for that. Yeah, sure. So it was a duplex. Is when the apartment is the whole floor. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that there was an official designation for that. Yeah, yeah, sure. Okay. And so it was a duplex. We'll call it a duplex. Got it. How about that?

That's better. Spoiler. His unit in the duplex had a kitchen that faced, with a big window that faced our big kitchen window. And it was only separated by the, like, distance between our houses, which was very small. I mean, 10 feet maybe. You know, just enough room to walk through. And so we would see him walking around in his house and he never wore a shirt. Never, ever.

And he was one of the probably I got to figure he was a Web 1.0 guy. You know what I mean? This guy was probably the COO of Webvan. He had he had one of those things that you see in like war games where you have the two holes for the phone to be placed in when you dial it up. He had that. This isn't that long ago. This isn't 1980. I think you're going a little bit too far back. He didn't have a mainframe?

He didn't have a mainframe? No, this wasn't. There weren't a huge wall full of blinking lights. He wasn't constantly putting punch cards into his computer. This was like 1990s. This was like a cyberpunk dude. But Netscape Navigator. Netscape Navigator.

Got it. Exactly. This guy worked for FogDog.com. And he would walk around shirtless and he had nipple piercings. He went every year to Burning Man. It's this kind of dude. And on the one hand, I was, you know, when this first started happening, I was torn because on the one hand,

I was sort of afraid of these people that were moving into my neighborhood. Like I was afraid and angry. We had gotten evicted from our house maybe like five years before over some people that had bought the house. And, you know, so we were like sort of nervous. They had kicked out some old people that used to live there when they bought that house. So I was like – This is San Francisco, California you're talking about, right? Yeah, exactly.

Okay. I just want to make sure you guys didn't grow up in Beirut or I didn't miss anything. No, I wasn't. I wasn't talking – That sounds crazy. I wasn't. I wasn't talking. I wasn't. This is like, this is a real estate fear. This is a fear that someone's going to buy our building. Well, you got squatters?

Like, what happened? You get booted. That's how gentrification works, Nick. Right. Okay. So anyway, I was sort of scared and sort of resentful of these people. But on the other hand, this guy was exercised a lot. And he would always be hanging out in his kitchen with no shirt on and a glass of wine in his hand. And he had nipple piercings and a hot girlfriend.

And I always wondered at the time, I wondered like, hmm, you know, I wonder about the nipple piercings part of that. I wonder if I could make that work. Now, I want to make this clear. I'm 16. This is 1997. 1997. He's talking about a nipple piercing. Let the record show that Nick and Jasper are doing a long stretch of mental calculation.

Parading with his shirt off. Hot girlfriend. Hot girlfriend. Did she have nipple piercings? Well, that, sadly, sadly for 16-year-old me, I never learned the answer to that question. See, they had nipples you should have been worried about, not dudes, hers. But those were not available for viewing. I had to settle for.jpg files that I downloaded from Gopher.

This dude was an inspiration to you. I was your real player. Did you update your real player? Real player didn't even exist yet. Come on, real player. Seriously. I think I just deleted real player from my laptop. I had a 28. I think I held on to player from my laptop I had a 28

I think I held on to it just in case I was on that 14-4 9600 bod that was my bod at the time yeah this guy

had a bod though let me tell you boys a bod and a half nipple piercings and wine drinkers I wouldn't put those two together that was the thing

that jumped out to me about that. This is San Francisco. That's all there is. Fucking off the... I'm from the great city of San Francisco where when you enter, you're issued a nipple piercing and a glass of white wine. Here's a question, though. You're born and raised in San Francisco. I am.

Very white guy. Yeah, sure. Sort of like... For you, gentrification is like original sin. Like you were just by your birthright a gentrifier. And to some people, right? Wouldn't you? Well, I am now a member of the gentry.

At the time, I was not a member of the gentry. But it's like, unfairly, you and your family would have been labeled, like, you fuckers. No, no, we just live here. We live in a shitty place just like you live in a shitty place. Yeah, no, I think we just live here. We live in a shitty place just like you live in a shitty place. You know, like... Yeah, no, I think that's very true, especially when I was before... I went to public high school, but I went to private school in elementary school and middle school.

And, yeah, I think the kids on my block to whom... They gave me, like, a cool nickname, which was Faggot. And... I'm sorry. To those kids, yeah, sure. But I mean, the neighborhood that I lived in until I went away to college was the same

neighborhood I was born into. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's just weird to me that in a city that has been so gay for so long that they would just give you that label. Well, there's 13-year-olds everywhere. Let's be clear. So growing up in a city with a lot of gay people does not give you any better understanding of homosexual.

I would think they would be like, okay, that guy's not a faggot, though. This faggot's all over the place, guys. Come on. Let's get it together. I think it depends on the guy these guys these guys the students of Mission High School

which was the high school near my place or Everett Middle School which was the middle school by where I lived these were not urban sophisticates got it these were troubled youths. I don't know.

This just still feels a little off to me. Like if I was... I'll tell you. School of the Arts where I went to high school? Yeah, sure. Everyone knew everything about being gay. Right. Everyone was gay.

You know what I mean? It was weird that I wasn't gay. I just feel like if you're going to attack the white guy in your neighborhood, that just seems like the obvious place to go attack the white guy in your neighborhood, that just seems like the obvious place to go, San Francisco bullies. Like, you know. Wait. You went to the school arts for high school?

Yeah. Okay. Does y'all have a football team? No, of course not. What are you talking about? I'm just saying. If we had had a... Jasper, you just had a football team.

You can be artistic and athletic. Yeah. If there had been a football team at my high school. Power forward for the Indiana Pacers by the name of Wayman Tisdale, also smooth jazz artist. See, see. I would have been the starting quarterback of the School of the Arts football team. No, the rule at my high school was you could go to another school and play sports there. We did briefly have one of the teacher's husbands started a golf team just because he thought it would be fun.

And that screwed up the thing where students could go to other schools and play on their sports team. So they had to drop. Because you already had one of your own teams. Yeah, but we didn't even have a mascot until they started the golf team. We had to vote on what the mascot was. Oh, what was the mascot? It was the Dragons. It wasn't anything

crazy. By the way, Hollywood, Jasper Red just gave you another movie on a platter. Hilarious black guy has to go teach coach sports at inner city art school and they want to have a football team that's hilarious you know if you want this jasper red.com it's probably you know just hit him up he's got to teach a bunch of jesse thorns and quest loves and margaret chose

yes like the art school co-executive producer jesse thorn this is how it happens this is how wrote this is how seth roogen and those guys get movies. They just walk in and they have it all figured out. Aisha Tyler went to my high school. I think we can get her involved. Absolutely. She can play the principal. There it is.

Sassy principal. Who doesn't like that? Sassy black female principal. There you go. I like it. I feel like it's great. No, there's no doubt. I mean, you know, that's why I have such a tortured identity, Nick.

You're clearly unsure of yourself. Yeah, well, it's because I, you know, I was the poor kid at the rich kid school and the white kid in my neighborhood. This is great. And you know what I mean. Because then audiences will feel sorry for you, but it won't be really sad like some gangbanger East L.A. shit. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants to watch Fruitvale Station. Nobody's going to watch that shit.

Anybody can relate to a teenager that reads The New Yorker. Yeah. It's lovable. We'll get that Mince Ploss kid. Does he still look like he's 12? Yeah, probably so. Hook that up. You got to figure.

Yeah. Right? We pretty much did everything but like wardrobe and music for this movie Hollywood. If you guys want to go ahead and get this shit in the pipeline. Joel Gray is probably listening right now. I say let's get how much money do we need for this? Probably 25 million? We can do it. 25, 30 max.

Yeah. And we don't even need 50. I mean a lot of people would have said 50. But I think we could just shoot it in a high school here. Next level. We appetite that shit up even more, put our kids in it. Boom. Speaking roles. Speaking roles for both of our kids.

They're in the union. Benefits. The two of our four kids that can speak. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Great. This is how this shit happens.

This is really, you know what? I'm really glad that Jordan is off wherever he is. Yeah. And let's just confidentially between the three of us, I know it's Jordan, Jesse Go, but he was in no way

involved in this. Just so we're clear. We're cutting him out. Right. There's no question that we're cutting him out. Contractually. Yeah, I mean, right.

Contractually's got a good job. He doesn't need the money. Big time TV writer. That's right, Jordan. You go to wet and this is what happens. You get cut out. Yeah.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. go to wet and this is what happens. You get cut out. Yeah. Just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the new host of International Waters, the transatlantic comedy show where land laws do not apply. I am here with one of our writers, Sarah Morgan, from the UK. Hello, Sarah. Hi, Dave. How are you doing? I didn't understand a word you just said.

Could you explain International Waters and how it works? It's a transatlantic panel game. We have teams based in the UK and in L.A. And basically people try to be funnier more than they try to know things. I caught about half of that. Comedians on this show have included Josie Long, John Finnemore, Greg Proops, Paul F. Tompkins, Claudio Daugherty, and Dana Gould. What a lineup.

Indeed. I hope you enjoy it in America, and I will say more British things if you'd like me to. Pip pip. You already sound like an elderly wizard, and I love it. Find International Waters on MaximumFun.org or subscribe in iTunes. Thank you for your attention. I will see you on International Waters. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, what it do how's it going jasper how are you buddy man i'm kicked back like a fat mac you know i'm saying thanks for having me back on the damn show i've been in i've been enjoying your

show you had a you had a highly dynamic program on the subject of uh outcast versus a tribe called quest i did i did man and the word is still uh undecided man people don't know who is King of the Hill. I'm going outcast. I saw this on Twitter and I literally my hands hovered over the keyboard. I didn't even get involved. I was like, this will take up my entire day if I engage with this

shit. I have to do some research. No, I would have to go tribe. I have as personal a connection with their music as i do with anybody who's ever made music and i'm a huge outcast fan but when i hear tribe i fucking am instantly back in you know what when you're a college i'm changing i'm changing my vote rolling stones beatles yeah you really can't be wrong no no you really can't be wrong. No, no. You really can't be wrong, man. It's a fucking incredible, incredible choice.

Nick, how is your family? How are your children's? My children's are excellent. I have a nearly three-year-old and a nearly one-year-old, which is insane. Yeah, it's too many children. Two seems like too many. It does. In retrospect, we should have stopped.

I love my son, but I made the wrong call. I'm definitely the wrong thing to do. It was not the smart, practical decision to have a second child. Break on the apocalypse. Because a child, a children, is very crazy. Very crazy. And two children, there's no stopping. It doesn't stop.

No. It's always happening. With one child, there's a certain amount of trading off you can do. Sure. The solace is that it's still even. Like we're not outnumbered. I know people that have like four kids. That's your now.

They can just overtake you. It's like Planet of the Apes. Yeah. Sooner or later, they're going to be smarter than you. Yeah. And they're stronger than you. They have like that weird strength from anger and rage. You can't have three of those running around the house. There's a certain amount.

Sometimes I get the feeling my stepmother grew up Catholic and she grew up very poor in Belfast, Northern Ireland with- The troubles. In the troubles. During the troubles. During the troubles with many brothers and sisters. And in a single mom. And I think just what... Is this Melissa Leo?

Is your stepmom Melissa Leo? Amy Ryan. It's Amy Ryan. I feel like Sinead O'Connor is my stepmother. I feel like just what it is at a certain point is it's like putting – it's like one of those movies about New York in the late 70s where a kid runs out and somebody unscrews the fire hydrant and somebody else puts a coffee can on it. Like just all you can do is put a coffee can on the fire hydrant. Every scene. It gives you a little bit of something.

Right. Like there's – sure, you can direct it by 30 degrees either way. But besides that, what's happening is happening. Yeah. They're essentially raising themselves. By the time you get up to four. Yeah, yeah. You just got to kind of let them run wild.

I think so. That's why you have a lot. Oh, yeah? In case something doesn't work out. And then it's just like a herd. Yeah. And you figure just what you're relying on rather than your sense of control is the law of averages. But the thing, I mean, Jasper, we both grew up in the South. And I have vivid memories of leaving my house pretty early in the morning and not going home until dark.

And between that time, my mother had no specific idea of what I was doing or where I was. How old are we talking about? 10, 11, 12 years old, I guess. Just riding my bike around, walking through the woods, jumping off shit, climbing over shit. And my mom was just like- Did you grow up somewhere where there's woods to run around in? Sure, sure.

What about you, Jasper? Was there woods? There was no woods anywhere near my house. Yeah, so I hear that, man. He grew up in a concrete jungle. That's true. That's a really good metaphor. That's a really apt metaphor, Jasper.

You know, he was running in the buildings and stuff. You can't really escape. Like me and Nick could. We'd run into those woods, have all types of games, adventures. In the country, you can see the fucking trouble coming, too. In the city, the shit just pops around a corner. In the country, you're like, ah, it's a weird pickup truck in the distance. I'm out of here.

Yeah, it was a lot of good times. When you got the forest, the inner city wilderness. I feel like the one skill that I learned from growing up was danger identification. Because if you don't have danger identification, like if you can't spot somebody who's on the roll up, then you're busted. That's it. Your life is fucked. Because I'm not going to get in a fight with somebody and win. Yeah.

You know what I mean? All that can happen from me getting in an engagement, a hostile engagement, is bad things. Yeah, it's just a negative. It's a net loss for anybody, pretty much. My only possibility was sliding under the radar, generally speaking. So the only weapon I had was knowing when to just go into a store. You know what I mean? Like, see, oh, shit, that's coming over. Just in case.

Going in the corner store. Going to buy some now and laters. Did you ever try to pull the, like, that white boy is crazy? Because there's that. You see that. That continues to be my persona i've always felt that like if you're a super white comedian you almost have a better chance in an all-black room than a black comedian if you're like not a name or you're not like you know well known or like a really great performer because if you can

go in as a white guy and then the black audience is like, oh, this white boy is crazy. He don't care. He ain't scared. Oh. But if you go in and you're like, hello, everyone. My name is Boo. Get out of here, white boy. But if you're on the street and you're like, I ain't scared of y'all motherfuckers. Like, oh, that white boy is crazy.

I was scared of the motherfuckers. It's kind of hard to pull off if you are legitimately terrified. Not that many black people in my neighborhood, though. Some black people, but mostly we're talking about Latinos. It's a different cultural. That white boy's crazy is a little bit different with white and black versus white and Latino. Right. It still exists, but I don't think it's. And that is.

It's just, there's not a long history of that kind of living together in weird, interesting ways. They're not. You can't Tom Willis from the Jeffersons your way out of trouble. Exactly. With Mexicans. Exactly. But, you know, there's lots of other good things about it. But I want to get back to playing in the woods.

So 10 or 12 years old nah man always always to this day you don't stop at 12 you don't stop playing in the woods don't stop building tree houses what you think we just stop at 13 then we go on why do you think everyone is flocking to Atlanta Jesse it's not the school system. You got to keep your stash somewhere. Find a treehouse. Find a treehouse. Man, you're opening up a whole new world to me. Club houses.

You ain't got no trees. I took the bus. You got a little club house. I took the bus a lot. That's what I got. That was my adventure. Just go somewhere on the bus. I have to say, I always wanted to live

in the city when I was growing up. I would have murdered a homeless person with my bare hands if I could have grown up in the city. I feel like my son, my children are going to grow up with none of the benefits of living in the city or the country.

I feel like the place where I live, it's just the shittiest place to be a child. Because they won't get any, like they can't, they won't be able to do anything by themselves because they live, like it's just too far away

because it's Los Angeles. But you'll let them ride the bus, right, when they're teenagers? Yeah, sure, they can ride the bus, but it's gonna be a hell of a fucking bus ride. After this movie drops, we're gonna all be in the bus, right, when they're teenagers? Yeah, sure, they can ride the bus, but it's going to be a hell of a fucking bus ride. After this movie drops, we're going to all be in the Palisades, chilling. That's a good point. Then they'll just be able to swim in a crystal clear river that goes directly down a mountain. Ain't no bus.

Damn right. And we swim to school. Bye, Mom. Splash. They're going to have a driver. The driver? They're going to have a driver. The driver? They're going to have a chopper. They're going to have someone drive one of those gigantic party buses full of water as they swim to school. Simon and Coltrane, they're going to be – sure, they sleep in the Palisades, but they go to school and prep school in New York City.

Yeah. We're going to hyperloop them to New York. But I really do. I feel like the one thing that was really great about my neighborhood growing up is from the time I was seven years old or eight years old, I could go down to the bookstore or the library by myself easily, like a 10-minute walk. My son won't have that. It's just too far. And I'm not going to be – I mean, I guess I am going to be the guy that drives his kids around all the time. But that's like my worst nightmare, driving my children around all the time.

So, yeah, I guess they better get with that bus system. But, I mean, you know, you could also move to one of our city's more densely populated areas. Yeah, I would like to. I aspire to. Might I recommend Mid-City West? Yeah, I'm not going to move to Mid-City West. That's where Nick Adams lives. That's where I reside, and you will see me walking vigorously

with various and sundry multiracial children too many middle class interracial families there it's the future embrace it Jasper

if you have children where would you like them to grow up in the south really this house is cheaper but you practical man

thinking with his fucking brain and not his hipster gut. What about your financial situation, though? Yeah, that's why I won't have kids, because of my financial situation. But if I had a better financial situation, I would raise them in the South. An alternative, an entirely different career? Yeah, man, you know, just give them a different experience. And then,

then move them to the West Coast to live with me. Okay, so when you say that you want them to grow up in the South, you mean you want them to grow up in the South

with your parents? Right. That's what I mean. Not with me. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am going for more of a Sean Kemp school of fatherhood. I got a career.

I got a fucking phone. I would like to stash them in another location. Yeah, I just send them to the... I'm not going to lie. I have had so many fantasies about... Honestly, my parents are both a little bit too crazy to really to really take care of my kids like they could take care of my they could babysit my kids um but i wouldn't i wouldn't i don't think i would send my kids to stay with either of my parents at least for more than a day or two but my wife's parents

my wife's parents are not only 10 or 15 years younger than my parents, but also, like, they really got their act together. Like, my wife and her siblings are all, like, super functional. They're all really nice. I feel like it's a much more positive home than any home that I'm directly involved in. So I fantasize all the time just packing up my children. Once the baby's not a baby anymore, I'm, like, counting up, Like, man, when he's three?

No, you gotta do that. Yeah, you gotta do that. Just pack him up, send him up to the bay. Send him off for the summer, man. They can stay at Meemaw and Pop Pop's house. Yeah. For the summer. I'll send him for the whole summer. Yeah. Like I was an African American family in Chicago with family

back home in Macon. Yeah, I mean, that's real. Parents did that. Summertime, you gone. Yeah. And even if it wasn't to your grandparents, it was like, who in my family will take this kid? My cousins were two boys. They were like my age, like around my age.

They were a year apart. And so I think my aunt and uncle were just like, we have two sons, a third. We won't even fucking notice that. Yeah, we'll take him for a summer. Go ahead. Go play. Like, that's, I don't know. Do people still do that, though?

Like, is that still a thing? People have to still do that. I hope so. Because I aspire to do that. Yeah. That's, like, going to be my whole thing. Get out of here. Later, jerks.

I mean, I love my kids and everything. I'll go visit them. What about summer camp? Did you do summer camp? I did a couple years of summer camp. Summer camp did not agree with me. I was not so much afraid or homesick because, honestly, because of the fact that I come from a broken home, I was pretty much responsible for taking care of myself

starting when I was self-aware. Just a quick segue, Hollywood, if you're listening, it's like 8 Mile meets Fresh Air with Terry Gross. It's like the story of he's on the other side of the tracks raising himself. Like, you guys, you can just finish the rest of that on your own. I don't even need to have to finish the pitch, Hollywood. That's the third film we've handed to you on a platter. I was always very independent,

so I was not bothered by the part of it that most kids who go away to summer camp are bothered by, which is, like, I can't be away from my parents. I can't. I don't even understand that whole thing. I was always away from my parents, even when I was directly with my parents. And

so, I think the thing that i didn't like was like i hated fucking canoes canoes terrified who hates a canoe man anybody with sense that thing does not what is it it should not be able to you should be anytime you step foot in a canoe you are essentially on the road to drowning. Canoe? Oh, I'll just dive in the lake. I'll just go ahead and skip the middleman and I'll dive headfirst into the lake. You're just, you're basically tying a rock to your ankle and jumping off a pier every time you get in a canoe.

And there's also like a really intense social hierarchy that you have to get involved in. And if you're not in from the start, if you don't, if you don't, it's like prison. There's also like a really intense social hierarchy that you have to get involved in. And if you're not in from the start, if you don't, it's like prison. If you don't kick somebody's ass the first day. Word. It's like at a camp. It's really real. The first motherfucker that steps to me is getting an Indian root burn.

The first one. Give me that motherfucking sloppy joe. Give me your bug juice, bitch. Speaking of bug juice, have you ever seen this show? Bug juice? Yeah, it was a show that they did on Disney years ago. And clearly someone walked into Disney's offices

and was just like, the real world set at a summer camp. And then they just handed them a giant check because that's all it was. And my wife had one weekend where we watched Bug Juice maybe for like 28 hours straight. Wow. They got you. It was so crazy.

Because when I was growing up and I saw like Meatballs or any movie that was set at camp. Did you go to camp? I went to like a Bible camp through my church for a week just because I was super desperate. And I was like, I'm never going to that ever again. You were desperate for the word of the Lord? Just to get out of my small shitty town church for a week just because i was super desperate and i was like i'm never going to that you're super desperate for the word of the lord just to get out of my small shitty town for like a week but it was awful but that like archery and horseback riding and canoeing and rope zip lining and all that shit like that's what they were doing at this summer camp so i was like getting my retroactive childhood i was like i think i'm definitely i i hope to be able to send my children to summer camp and i hope for it because i had this friend in high school named brady gill and

brady gill uh was more obsessed with the jewish summer camp that he went to than any this is a 15 or 16 year old wouldn't would never ever let the subject of camp to wanga drop from his like just all he believed in like he loved camp to wanga the way that like himmler loved hitler you guys talking about camp to one no brady no no one was talking about it. Jesus Christ, Brady. And I know that it could potentially have that. Like, if I got them in there and I got them, I don't know, maybe my children, my wife likes nature. So my children are half nature-like. But I don't even think you have to specifically like nature, though. Really?

I don't think so. Just sloppy. I'll tell you what I did. A week away from home is the selling point for me I liked archery I liked sloppy joes

I liked the state fair which we went to the one that I went to was like close to us one day yeah one day

you went of the ten days or whatever it was you went to the state fair I fucking thought the state fair was great I still think the state fair is great

I fuck with the state fair big time fucking thought the state fair was great. I still think the state fair is great. I fuck with the state fair big time. Jasper, how old are you, Jesse, when this is on the table? Talking about nine. Someone goes back in time

to nine-year-old Jasper Red and says, hey, you can go to this camp. They have sloppy joes and bows and arrows and you can go to the state fair.

No? See, all that I could do in the hood. That's the thing. I knew friends who had archery sets and things like that, and the state fair was not too far from the crib, so all that stuff was not tantalizing for me as far as in a camp situation.

I'm just concerned about the unsanctioned use of bows and arrows in the hood. Man, you ain't have friends like that who just got weaponry. Yeah, no, the massive BB gun. Got ninja stars and all types of shit. The friend was like,

hold this BB gun. You're like, I'm pretty sure that's a rifle. That's not a BB gun. That's a full-on rifle that you... Straight up.

They got swords and shit. Like, where do you get this stuff? They're dancing on the line that stands between Firecracker and Warhead.

Yeah. I have friends like that all the time, man. The guy where you find out, oh, so-and-so, shout-out-for-licking-store, you go, yeah. Yeah. Not. Of course he did. He's about right. Motherfucker on the porch with boy and arrow.

There are other, no training. You're holding it all wrong. Yeah, hold on. Let me get my rubber band. Need that snap back. There are other good things that you might have been missing, though, about camp. What about the chance to sing One Tin Soldier every night? Girls in the next bunk, panty raids, raids that sort of when you're a little kid yeah

i do the thing is is i think one problem that i had was i went a little bit too early to want to go to the dance and talk to girls right right like because i think i went like nine and ten if i had gone 12 and 13 or 11 and 12 um i'm like my interest in girls would have outstripped my fear of girls or my fear of going to dances. Yes. I have always felt that the best way to get kids into college is wait until they're officially pre-teens, whatever, and then just let them go to a camp on a college campus

because that's what happened to me. And then you just tell them, you like this? Yeah, this was fucking incredible. You bust your ass for the next three years, you can go here. Like, and we'll, you know, it has to be affordable and obtainable. Because, like, by the time all that girl, guy stuff kicks in, you're just like, I get to be unsupervised. And we're all trapped in this little, you know, area. And it's like everybody's around the same age and into the same shit.

That one week was enough for me to lock it in. The appeal of college, you're saying, is roughly equivalent to the appeal of the chemical convention for a middle-aged businessman. Oh, honey, I don't want to go to Des Moines.

I mean, Jesus Christ, it's my job, Meredith. I'm going to go work. Meredith, you, I don't want to go to Des Moines. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's my job, Meredith. I'm going to go to work. Meredith, you want to come with me to stay in the Days Inn for three days? I didn't think so. All right, I'll call you when I land. And then, you know, he's drunk from the time he gets to the airport to the time he gets home. I spent a lot of time on this goddamn PowerPoint, Meredith. You want me to just sit on my Lenovo?

No, people are going to see it. Your mother's going to be at the house to help take care of the kids. That's what it is, though. You're always asking why your mother doesn't come over more. Camp is like conference meetings for, you know, little kids. You know.

Get the lay of the land, figure out where you stand. Oh shit, I'm not as cute as I thought I was. I would say one reason that would apply less to me and more to you guys to be concerned about camp is just the whole idea of color wars. It's just something that if I were 10, it would be a red flag. But, again, who's more prepared for color wars than the guy who's used to have bow and arrows in the hood? Like, he's fully already equipped. Yeah, man the thing you get a kid out the hood and put them in that situation with paint guns and all this oh word now just y'all do this for fun i do this shit for survival jasper we appreciate your enthusiasm we really do but um that knife and the nunchucks are a little bit of a concern

butterfly knife right the butterfly knife i um we are a little concerned with that and we want to go ahead and get you to turn that over to us fuck me and whoever gave birth to me well that's that's one possible response jasper but let's maybe use some different words. Yes, you can have an extra dollar at the canteen. Okay. For red vines. You want two sloppy joes? Well, we're only really budget. Okay, yeah, you can have two.

You can have two. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Nick, repeat Adams. I'm Jasper Redd. Sponsored this week by our friends at Simple. Banking without bullshit, no fees, free ATMs, an account that's supported by real people who actually care about you and your money.

You can actually call Simple and someone answers the phone. Like you don't even have to press any numbers. You can just dial the phone number for Simple. And someone says, hello, I am a person that works for Simple that lives in America and has the power to do things. One, there's a little xenophobia in the lives in America part. Just a smidge. That's fair. Is Simple a bank or is it a dude? It's a bank. Is it just a dude, though?

It could just be a dude. It's possible it's just a dude, but it's an FDI-insured dude. Okay. FDIC-insured dude. You can spend without stress. They give you tools to figure out how much money you actually have to spend. You can actually, with their budgeting tools, they'll give you a balance for amount of money that you have in the bank, but then another balance that's amount of money that you have in the bank minus the amount of money that you're going to have to spend on your bills and stuff, which is like your play money or what have you. And you can save automatically and a whole bunch of other cool money management tools.

There is a long wait list to use Simple. However, because Brad is busy, if you go to simple.com slash JJ Go and you type in your info, they will skip you to the front of the wait list and get you an account right away. So Simple.com slash JJ Go. Also, the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival coming up. Tickets on sale right now. Jasper, you were there last year. Man, it was off the hook, y'all. Y'all got to get on that boat.

Right? Did you have trepidation about going on a weird comedy cruise on the way in? No, actually, I always look forward to these type of adventures. Going to the Bahamas, you know, it had a nice lineup. So I was actually enthused about the whole thing, man. How did you feel about the whole experience? What was the most surprising and interesting part to you? Just how well the shows went, you know.

It's on a boat, you know what I'm saying. So you ain't used to just seeing, like, I don't know, just like a real dope show on a boat. Right. I know exactly what you're talking about. You know what I'm saying? But, man, y'all made it work, man. And, yeah, I had a bit of fun, so I highly recommend it for those who may be not able to come to a decision. But, hey, Jay Redd approves.

Jasper Redd approves. You need, like, a stamp. Yeah. We have such an awesome line. Listen, guys, you guys know comedy. Sure. Listen to this comedy lineup. A lot of these folks have been on Jordan Jesse Go before.

But even if they haven't, we got Greg Barrett, Morgan Murphy, W. Kamau Bell, Natasha Leggero, Chris Fairbanks, Kyle Kinane, Moshe Kasher, Karen Kulgaroff, Guy Branum, Tony Kameen. That's a murderer's row. Karen Colgariff Guy Branum Tony Kameen that's a murderer's row I have seen 70% of those people perform live

and they're all super talented and funny people that's crazy and that's just on the comedy side of things right

we got a whole music we got a whole music lineup that we just announced John Roderick who's really wonderful sings like an angel a hilarious

amazing guy as well we got Gene Gray, the great Gene Gray. I know you guys are great. We got Lake, the wonderful indie pop band Lake from Olympia, Washington. They do the outro music on Adventure Time.

They sing beautiful, beautiful songs. I thought Lake Bell was going to be there. Got a little bit of a boner. Yeah, well. I'm sure these guys are great. I'm sure these guys are great. And most excitingly, perhaps, Antibalas. Man, Red put me under those dudes, man. That's serious, right? Antibalas, they're serious.

That band is for real. Yeah, they were the band. If folks don't know this, they were the band for, among other things, they were the band for the award- things, they were the band for the award-winning Broadway musical, Fela. Ooh! This is a 14-piece Afrobeat band. Ooh! And they're just

on fire. It's just crazy, wild, bananas show. Yeah, I'm mad. I ain't gonna beat her. And they are super cool-ass dudes too. I am so excited about that. And hey, guess what? We just added Matt Bronger, too. Forgot to mention that.

Another really funny dude, man. The ding-donger, Matt Bronger. Anyway, there's also, like, lots of activities and stuff. And this lineup is only this year. Like, you're not, if you're thinking, like, oh, maybe I'll go next year, don't. You're making a big mistake. And those fucking guys at Yacht Comedy, we see you out there. It's not as good.

You ripped off their idea, and no one wants to go from Bangor, Maine to Washington, D.C. That's a shitty cruise. That is a real shit cruise. Knock it off. Somebody already biting. Biters. Haters gonna hate. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? I just brush them off. Gentlemen, I just brush them off. You know what I mean? What are you going to do go on the fucking Weezer cruise really what are you going on

the 20 tons of metal cruise yeah as soon as they finish playing Buddy Holly you're going to want to jump off that boat yeah go to boatparty.biz

to get your tickets now the time is running out it's July 25th through 28th and it is the most fun you could possibly have ever I mean I can't even

begin to tell you. We'll talk to you in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Nick repeat Adams. And I'm Jasper T. Redbone. Hey, folks, if you're out there and you haven't checked out Jasper's podcast, The Goose Down, you know, I don't even have time for you. You know what I mean? Like, get your act together.

Jasper and Kim, you're both gut-bustingly hilarious. Yeah, come on, pay us a visit. Yeah. Pay us a visit. They're going to be your new in-your-ears friends. Yeah, come on. Pay us a visit. Yeah. Pay us a visit. They're going to be your new in-your-ears friends. Yeah, man. I think it's going to go so well that you're going to describe

it as momentous. It's going to be a momentous occasion. You're going to call it into this program for our segment, Momentous Occasions, in which when something momentous happens to you, the listener, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Feels like there should be like an organ sting here. Momentous occasion.

Nothing made me laugh more than the Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, stupid, we have to have a theme song for this thing. And so we'll just go, this is the theme song. That should be right here. Deep inside my heart is the central chamber. And then inside that central chamber, there's a special box. And in that special box, there's a locket. And if you open that locket, it goes, letters. We get letters.

We get sex and sex of letters. Letters. I have the same thing in my body, but inside there is just a little bit of weed. Let's take our first call. It's pretty good. It's not even, it's like, you know, the $60 an ounce shit. Like, not like, they're crazy. Hey, JJ Go.

This is Nick from Houston calling in with a momentous occasion. I was just driving home from work, and I get off the freeway, from work and I get off the freeway and immediately sitting in the middle of the road is a semi with a gigantic potato on the back. This potato took up pretty much the entire bed of the semi and it was very perplexing. Uh, I still don't know what to think about it. So, yeah, giant potatoes. Hopefully that means a fry surplus. Can you imagine? Okay, number one, I like that this giant potato in his mind

is going to disrupt the potato economy. It's going to be a crash in in french fry prices i don't think he has a firm grasp on how the potato french fry economy in america works right i don't think you it's possible to have a french fry surplus with americans around you there's no fucking way you're gonna make too many fries for americans you're saying that's that's an inelastic market? Yes, exactly. That demand will be met no matter how many you produce. That's true.

But this wasn't like a prop potato for a movie? This sounds to me like a real tater. Like a 4-H blue bonnet? This is the blue ribbon winner. You guys were both in 4-H, right? Or were you guys in Future Homemakers of America?

4-H was like the thing where the people would like grow a pig or like have the biggest cauliflower and enter into a competition and win a prize. They didn't have that in Tennessee? They definitely had it. They definitely had it. It sounds like it should have. They absolutely had it. They just didn't have it around where I was.

Gonna go out on a limb and say there weren't too many colored folk. It's like the band Rascal Flats. You know how everyone you knew loved the band Rascal Flats? What the hell is Rascal Flats? I'm just listing white people things. That's the area in Grand Theft Auto V. It's like the neighborhood. Rascal Flats.

All right. Side mission. Downloadable content. Where's Jordan? He would love this. This's like the neighborhood. Rascal Flatts. All right. Side mission. Downloadable content. Where's Jordan? He would love this. This would kill with Jordan. DLC humor. DLC jokes.

Yeah. I bought some DLC once. It was a new world for Skyrim. Yeah, yeah. I tried Skyrim. I tried hard. Really? And it didn't take?

Because I like Fallout a lot. But Skyrim, I just couldn't. Too many herbs? You had to gather too many herbs? Motherfuckers, my armor, I just couldn't. I just got killed. Couldn't get your armor game together? You know, you start these games and you got a loincloth.

You're like, all right, I got to level up and shit. I just couldn't. I couldn't do it. I don't know. Oh, I was all over that shit. My shit was mad powerful right away. I'm doing Far Cry right now. You know why?

Strategery. Strategery? Yeah, I took care of business in that department. Gathered some herbs, made some, what are they called? Ointments? You got to, first of all, with all these games, you got to give me something right off the bat. Like, I know I'm not going to be all powerful right off the bat, but give me a good weapon. Don't give me a fucking rusty switchblade.

With Skyrim, you started with, like, literally just, like, a knife, and you're just getting the shit kicked out of you. And it's like, I know that three hours in I'll be okay, but it's just, like, I couldn't do it. Sorry, Nick. I guess Skyrim and the world's biggest potato weren't good enough for you. That's my takedown of a three-year-old insanely successful, well-reviewed video game. Let's hear our next call. Hi, JJ, go and guest. I have a moment of shame that happened about two minutes ago.

It is 4.34 in the morning here, and I just had to drop my friend off for work at McDonald's, and nothing's open right now, and I desperately had to go to the bathroom. So I went to the gas station thinking it was open all night. Turns out it wasn't. Went behind to go defecate, and as soon as I got there and started, the person that was opening the gas station came out to have a cigarette. And no words were exchanged.

But I don't know how either of us are going to process that. Bye. Oh, you're going to live with that the rest of your life, buddy. I know that from the time that, as described on Jordan Jesse Go, I had to poop behind a 7-Eleven. Unexpectedly. Oh, my God.

I loved it. It's just going to live with you. No words were exchanged, but you know there was... Was there one of these? Just like a silent nod. You had to do it. I can't... I would have shadowed myself

really? I don't have that in me to just shit outside like that? I probably would have tried to hold it and ended up shitting on myself Jasper's eyebrows are arched here nah man I ain't shitting in public

like some animal that's you know that's like a couple of lines we can't cross as a society like you keep searching you won't just give up you keep searching you just gave up alright I'm gonna just shit out in front of everybody nah you keep searching man

yeah push at a certain point your body falls apart. But it's like running a marathon. It's like running a marathon. When you train to run a marathon, you don't run 26 miles. You run like 10, 12, 15. But on the day of, you know your body will rise to the challenge when the endorphins kick in. Your sphincter is stronger than you realize, dude. Just keep driving.

stronger than you realize, dude. Just keep driving. Did you know that people in marathons will just drop trow and pee on the side of the road? Like competitive marathon people? Yeah. But pee is different. You can pee anywhere.

Pretty much. Yeah. As long as you're outdoors, I don't have any problem with anybody urinating. Yeah, man. That's fine. But the other thing is like a whole my daughter she's not she's not potty trained yet but she's old enough now that if she has to poop she's like i need some privacy because she knows man it's one of the basic human you know she gets it she already gets that she doesn't even understand the concept of time yet but she knows you don't just poop right out in front of people. We might have talked about this on Jordan Jesse Go once, but one time when Prank the Dean was on tour, we were sleeping in a converted three-car garage or four-car garage, like a prefab four-car garage that had been converted into a community theater, like an underground illegal community theater.

Where in Oregon was this, Jesse? This was in Seattle. Oh, okay. And there was some partying going on after some shows, you know. Yeah. A bunch of 24-year-old, 25-year-olds in a sketch comedy group together. They would do some partying after the show. And Jordan woke up.

There was no lights in this theater. He couldn't find the light switch. He couldnying after the show. And Jordan woke up. There was no lights in this theater. He couldn't find the light switch. He couldn't find the door. So he just peed in there. You got to go outside, though, right? But he couldn't find the lights or the door. See, I mean, you can't just give up like that and decide, all right, I have no other choice. No, you have a choice.

You just got to persevere, man. You got to find that third way. There were other people in there with him. He's just lucky he didn't pee on them. That's a fight waiting to happen, man. I would go so far as to also posit that that might be a fundamental difference between the races. Listen. You're saying that this is a racially essential character.

I've known a lot of people in my life who have I got so drunk stories, and I've heard that I had a girl that I dated in college who almost peed in the room. I knew a friend who had another girl pee in the room. On this very show, we had Rob Corddry tell a story of peeing in his wife's boot and we had scott simpson on that same program tell a story of peeing that's a deal breaker in the community man in the black community in the hallway of a hotel under a painting because he says he thinks that he was so drunk that he thought the painting was a urinal i don't know if it's that black people and white people get drunk in different ways, or, like, I don't think I've ever heard a story of someone of color peeing in a wholly, wildly inappropriate way or place.

Other than the occasional, oh, I peed in the alley behind a club. You know, that's whatever. But other than that, like, people would pee in the sink when I was in college. Like, what are you doing? What are we doing? I don't understand. There's a club. That's whatever. Other than that, people would pee in the sink when I was in college. What are you doing? What are we doing? There's a sink. It's all pipes. Fuck you. Yeah, they're trying to do that George Costanza shit.

It's all pipes. It ain't all pipes. We have to know. First of all, it has to get past the wash basin where my hands have to go before it gets to the pipes. Exactly. And if you're doing it in the shower, like Costanza, no one has ever peed directly into anything. Ever.

Nick, I think that you may have hit upon a vein of gold in the previously thought to be fully strip mind white people do shit this way black people do shit that way so you're basically saying that i'm good to go for season three of deaf comedy jam like if i go back like after they got through the martin lawrence and the bernie max and they burned through all the super talented dudes like season three you're like okay yeah you're like why do white people be peeing wherever they want all in the sink all in the microwave you're into that mic drop mic drop you're into that world of the abstract differences observational humor like uh todd todd glass in his last special has maybe my favorite observational humor.

Some people do this, some people do that. Where he says rich people and poor people do things differently. Like, for example, poor people are always backing into parking spaces. I don't know if that's true. I honestly don't care if that's true. I honestly don't care if it's true. It's so specific that it's perfect. It's beautiful. You just accept it.

You're like, oh, yeah, sounds good. Okay, yeah, sure, Todd, whatever. You said it with conviction. The new album, White People Be Peeing. Let's take another call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse. Best guest ever Sunny D So I'm glad I put this number in my phone

Because I just got a call from my wife She's officially cancer free Okay thanks And yeah Well played See Can't snark that These motherfuckers That we are listening to right now Well played. Yeah, see? Well played. Can't snark that.

These motherfuckers that we are listening to right now had the number 206-984-4FUN in their telephone. Yep. So that when shit went down, they were ready to call us. Whether it was they saw an enormous potato. Maybe it was that they had to poop behind a gas station and they got caught by the gas station. Or Jasper would say chose to poop behind a gas station. There you go. Ain't no force. Maybe they just got wonderful news about their wife beating cancer.

She just defeated the uncurable disease. Yep. No snark. Although, if you were going to snark it, you could go the sort of skin cancer. Ooh, that's not as scary. Was it skin cancer? No. No.

You think it probably was skin cancer. No, it was probably something bad, man. She was on some John McCain. Unless I know what kind of cancer it was, can't give you total props if they like had to take a chunk off of her shoulder you know like a little biopsy basically but like if it's not that anything other than that then

I'm happy for those guys and God bless they just removed just a little tiny bit of skin they just replaced it with some Sculpey do I get a local? I mean if you want no one ever really. Yeah, we usually just laser it and then we're done. I'm actually just a tattoo removal person.

I don't even have to go to medical school. Yeah, the doctor comes in like Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Mostly I do permanent eyebrows. Some threading. Yeah, we do a little bit of threading on this side. Let's take our last call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I just consummated my marriage

with my lovely husband. And in between thrusts, my grandmother started knocking at the door. Of course, we finished before we answered the door. And she was halfway down the hall. We're in a hotel just waiting for us to come. It was pretty awkward and pretty awesome.

But you know what? Thanks. It was all worth it when she went out there and showed her grandmother that sheet with the red stain on it. See, that's just. First of all, granny. Yeah. Meemaw. Meemaw.

Mama nanny. Big mama. You got married. Sure. You know what the deal is. Like. You know what the deal is. Everybody knows what the deal is. After the reception, when we drive away, you know what the, why are you knocking on their granddaughter's door on her wedding night?

I consummated my marriage before my reception and after my reception. You guys snuck out and had a thing and then came back? We took care of business on the way. Where? Like driving? Yeah. We were in, we weren't, I wasn't behind the wheel. You were in like a limo?

Yeah. In your, what were you wearing? Suit. Reception clothes? Yeah. So then you were all sexed up for the reception? Yeah. That's some scandalous shit Thorne

I know I run out of A scandalous lifestyle A scandalous But monogamous lifestyle Didn't part of you Want to go back in time And be like

Would a faggot do that Mexican guys How about that I think you know When the thought occurred It was like Oh Yeah It seemed like a natch. Sure. You know what I mean?

Fucking grown people. We got the time. We have the opportunity. This will be great. We should go ahead. Listen, I'm 41 years old, and the vast majority of the fun that I have as an adult is still somehow fueled by the, yeah, I can fucking just drink another beer right now. Because I'm a grown person. Like, fuck that.

What time is it? Yeah, give me some champagne with my breakfast. Why the fuck not? Yeah. That's most of my life is just like because I can do semi-fun shit. Yeah. I feel the same way. To a 12-year-old.

Only because I don't drink or use drugs or anything like that. I guess it's mostly just that sometimes I'm sitting at my desk in my office, and I don't want to be working, so I pull up MLB.TV. I just watch the Giants game for a while. I'm just going to watch the Giants and eat some cacao nibs. How about that? I can't have cacao nibs. Who's going to stop me? I can some cacao nibs. How about that? I can't have cacao nibs. Who's going to stop me?

Can't have any nibs. No nibs? It's a migraine trigger to have nibs. Peanut butter chips. I need some peanut butter chips. Peanut butter, but not like nut butter. What is the other one? Almond.

Almond butter, yeah. No, fuck almond butter. My daughter eats almond butter and loves that shit. Is she allergic to peanuts? No, it's just better for you. It is? Yeah. Why?

It's not as fattening. Peanut butter's not great. Yeah, it is. Peanut butter's totally great. Yeah, it's good. What are you talking about? You're insane. It's not great for you.

Tell that to George Washington Carver. Listen, I know. That's the greatest black person of all time. He's pretty much number one with a bullet. I'm pretty sure. He's pretty much number one. I mean, listen, Dr. King was great. But peanut butter? Yeah. Well, I mean, and various

other peanut products. Civil rights, freedom, and peanut butter. Look, all I'm saying is, if I remember my U.S. history textbooks from elementary school correctly, the greatest black person of all time is George Washington. If you polled every black person in America with this question, I'm not saying what their response

would be, because I don't know. But the first, before they made their decision, the first thing they would say would be, so peanut butter does not exist. You're saying we can either have this or like this. And if I choose this one, there's no peanut butter for white people either.

White people don't get it. It's not like black people don't get peanut butter. So what you're describing is a situation where it's a poll of African Americans across our great nation where they have to choose which would they prefer to give up, peanut butter or their freedom. Equal rights. I mean, we were free, but like equal rights in big-ass air quotes, obviously. Right.

There would be a lot of wheels turning. Jasper, you've been thinking about this for a while. Oh, man, fuck peanut butter. I eat a... See? What would you eat, though? See, you were all going on. I eat a mayonnaise and jelly sandwich.

Fuck peanut butter. I use mayonnaise. If you have a momentous occasion for us, call us at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I'm Rene Esposito. I'm Rhea Butcher. I am Ricky Carmona. And we are the cast members, what, I don't know, podcastiness of Wham Bam Pow. That's an action sci-fi movie podcast you can find on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. And what do we do? News reviews and things you can use.

Tons of things you can use. We break it down so it can forever be broken. Hilarious jokes. Plus, sometimes there's a dog in the studio. Sometimes there's a dog here. We'll see you in your earbuds. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Nick, repeat Adams. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Nick, repeat Adams. I'm Jay Ray It. Well, gentlemen, it's been a joy to have you on the program. I've had so much fun. Thank you very much to both of you. As per usual, Nick. Thank you. You've done an able job filling in for the great George Morris.

Able. I'll take it. Yeah. You're a very capable co-host. Thank you. I'll take it. Yeah. You're a very capable co-host. Thank you. I'm very grateful for your efforts in that department. I love spending time in the box, man. And Jasper, it's always great to get to spend time with you.

Hey, what's up, man? You know what it is. You know I'm glad to be here when at a time any day I be here. You know what? Don't be a turkey, America. Listen to the goose down. Yeah, man. Come check us out. I've been getting a lot of emails from people who are like, hey, I'd give the goose down a try. That show's amazing. Yeah, no shit. Yeah, no shit.

Yeah. That's why we got together to make it. Yeah, man. Thank you to all the donators and the pledge drive who gave to the goose down podcast. Very cool. Appreciate you. This is a wonderful program. It's called the Goose Down because it is as warm and comforting as a good Goose Down comforter.

I was going to go for like a foie gras. Never mind. I'm not proud of it. Our thanks to Simple Rebuilding Banking from the Ground Up, the way it should be, putting people before policies and helping you find clarity in your finances. Skip the wait list, simple.com slash JJGO. And please get your tickets now to boatparty.biz. It is the greatest thing.

I'm glad that Brian Fernandez is – Brian is literally applauding boatparty.biz. He's so excited about it. Fernandez throws me every time. Still throws me every time, Brian. Portuguese. Portuguese. I am excited. I'm excited.

When we went on the cruise last year, the comic on the cruise had been on a bunch of these before. And he was a Jordan Jesse Go fan. And he emailed me and said, hey, I happen to be a Jordan Jesse Go fan. I happen to be the comic on this route. I've been doing it for a couple of years. So I know everything about, you know, the ship and NASA and if you have any questions and maybe I could even like do a thing where I tell people where to go and NASA and stuff. He told us where to go. We went down to a special place where you get the special conch and you get the special

barbecues and jerk and stuff like that. Me and my friend Ben Harrison, we were fucking grubbing like animals. Eating like crazy. It was great. Did you drink any calique? I didn't drink anything. I didn't drink any adult beverages. Did people drink calique?

That's what they drink down there. I drank that when I went to a wedding. That's all I know about the Bahamas. Okay, well, that's something. Yeah. I bought a special Bahamas rum that I brought back for my wife that she loved. A single single cask rum.

Special Bahamanian rum. That's a good word to say, Bahamanian. Yeah, I met the Bahaman. They're just at the port, just like sadly playing Who Let the Dogs Out. And a one, and a two, and like sadly playing Who Let the Dogs Out. Yeah. And one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four.

Yeah, I actually bought a beer. It was called Bush Crack. It was good, too. That's worth going right there to drink some Bush Crack. Yeah, it was called Bush Crack, and it was strong. This is the kind of stuff that you're missing if you don't go to the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music. Besides just like, look, is part of the appeal that at any moment, like as happened last year, John Darnielle is going to hang some balls and jump in the pool? Yeah, sure. That might happen.

You never know. You might get to see the balls of the legendary lead singer of the Mountain Goats or or in this case, you know, Martin Perna, the legendary leader of Antibalas. But another part of the appeal is you might get some bush crack. Yeah, man. You just got to ask the locals. They'll point you in the right direction. There you go. Brian Fernandez is our producer. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records.

Jasper is on Twitter, at Jasper Red with two Ds. And Nick is at Nick Adams Web. He tried to get NickAdams.com long ago. There's a really, really talented theater actor named Nick Adams who just snapped up all of the cyber space before I could get to it. I remember when your book came out that if you Googled Nick Adams, he looked like a gorgeous 25-year-old Broadway star with like half of his pictures he was shirtless. Yeah, I think he was in like, I want to say he was in like Hedwig or something like that where he was like pretty nude.

But we did a thing in a room once where we just Google imaged everybody and just made fun of what the results were and you do it for me and it's yeah it's like a waxed super fit gay 25 year old yeah so have at it yeah worse things worse things much much worse we'll talk to you next time on jordan jesse go maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported