Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 326: Mincing Rascals

Episode Date: May 26, 2014

On a rare guestless episode, Jordan and Jesse sit down for a discussion of nontraditional pets, Jesse's visit to a german delicatessan, and the guys get a special package of Chinese snacks from Donna the olympian.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take coffee, shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Considered a new nickname this week for myself, Jordan. Oh, let's hear it.

The teenage special king of Los Angeles. Okay. I mean, I think that, I think it intrudes a little bit on mine, just because you have teenage in there. Well, you're a boy. Yeah. My pubes have come in. That's the big difference. Yeah. So I guess I don't know what spetzel is.

Spetzel is... I'm picturing a sausage. No, it's... A cased meat. You're not too far off. It's not a cased meat.'re not too far off it's not a cased meat it's a it's a german noodle you make it by uh you boil water or stock and then you put noodle batter i think it's what it's called sure noodle dough noodle beginnings noodle dough into the boiling

stuff and then it turns into little spetzels. Okay. Then you drain it out and you eat that with your schnitzel or whatever. Okay. So it accompanies a case to me. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Don't you ever go to a beer garden?

I mean, I have been to a beer garden, but I have not had a spetzel there. You didn't have a spetzel? Nah. What did you have? Beers. spetzel there. You didn't have a spetzel? Nah. What did you have? Beers. I don't want to put something in my stomach that'll take up room that beer could occupy. You've got to prioritize. Yeah. You know what? Honestly, Jordan. If I'm going to ingest something

that's going to make me sleepy, it should at least make me drunk and sleepy. That's my feeling. I can respect that, Jordan. Yeah, thank you. I'm not an animal. Yeah, don't disrespect me. I was in La Cunada Flint Ridge today. I'm not trying to brag. It's coming off like that. It came out a little braggy. It's coming off like that, yeah. When I hear it in my headphones, I say it out loud and then I hear it in my headphones.

Is that why you're not at Kim and Kanye's wedding this weekend? Yeah. Because you had a better offer to go to La Cunada Flint Ridge? Yeah. you had a better offer to go to La Cunada, Flint Ridge? Yeah. Do you think when the towns of – these are two – this is a hyphenate town in Southern California here. Do you think when the towns of La Cunada and Flint Ridge merged,

anyone ever like raised their hand and said, maybe we should just pick a new name or one of the two names that we already have? Well, I mean, I think La Cunada was a career woman. Uh-huh. And didn't, you know, she already had business cards. Right. And office and, you know. And also she wanted to just let everybody know that she's still her own woman, you know.

And Flint Ridge was a geographical feature that was simply immovable. Right. So, hyphenate. Anyway, I'm in La Cunada, Flint Ridge. You know how this is. I'm at the Discozzo Gardens. Wait, does this tie into Spetzel? Have we finished on Spetzel?

I'm headed towards Spetzel. I'm headed towards the Spetzel. Just trying to keep this train on track. Okay, yeah, well, I happen to be riding a tiny train in the Discozzo Gardens. Discozzo Gardens, Disoco Gardens. Yeah. Sarah Thayer.

I'm really looking forward to all the pronunciation corrections we're going to get about this episode. Five minutes in and we're already, I'm sure, going to be bombarded with bullshit. You know Sarah Thayer. She's been a guest on our program before, a very funny woman. Sarah suggested to me, take your children to this disco so the discus so so garden it's in la canada flintridge she says who am i to defy her one of the funniest people around don't be defiant no absolutely not don't be a defiant cur i wouldn't be yo you know just side note on the topic of defiant curs you know know what I've gotten into these days is things China calls America to insult them.

This week, I think China, in reaction to an accusation that they were spying on people, spying on their citizens, I think called America mincing rascals. America's full of mincing rascals. America's full of mincing rascals. Do you think that part of American psych ops is like they have a division at the CIA that's in charge of mistranslating threats? Oh, yeah. Making them as hilarious and adorable as possible so people are less afraid of China? Yeah, or just any of our – like, you know, Kim Jong-il makes a series of insults that are genuinely terrifying in the Korean language.

But then once they pass through the things, they say that they're, you know, he says that America is- We're a bunch of soup-like thieves. Soup-like. Dastardly dumplings. Yeah. Dastardly dumplings. Yeah.

I think that like, you know, all those nations with which we have an uneasy relationship. Yeah. So just like find out what the word in their language for fuckface is and just start calling us that. Right. Because like that I get. Right. Like, oh, China called us a fuckface? Fuck those assholes.

Yeah. But like mincing rascal is like, oh. I mean, I consider myself a mincing rascal. I think it would be fun to be a mincing rascal at the very least. Yeah. Mince about. Play some pranks. Yeah. Man.

Anyway. I saw the sorriest fucking prank the other day. And we'll get back to La Cunada Flint Ridge in just a moment. And Spetzel. I liked the San Francisco 49ers on Facebook. And the 49ers center played a prank on two of the other offensive linemen. And that was just the headline on Facebook. I'm like, oh, this is going to be great.

A genius prank. Let's see what these kids are up to, these giant football men. Right. This is the prank. And they had video of this prank. So these two giant men are walking in a locker room, you know, in a training room type deal, and another giant man jumps out of the tub and says,

Ah! I remember watching... Just jump from behind a corner? That's a prank? Yeah. Is that a prank? Yeah, at least, you know, trick the guy into thinking his wife's dead. Fair minimum put a bucket of water on top of a door. Yeah.

Yeah. I remember watching the Today Show once, and Al Roker was doing this thing where he was posing as himself at a wax museum. And the idea was to, like, come to life when people would come up and look at the, you know, what they thought was the wax figure. And all he could think to say was, how you doing? And then I swear to God, this fucking segment was five minutes long of him only saying, how you doing? And, like, reaching out his hand. And, like, there was no variation, like, no point where he would, like, start singing or scream. or scream or he would like they just decided on how you do it.

And they just fucking went with that. Do you think that he was taking classes at the Upright Citizens Brigade at the time? He figured out how to find the game. Sure. But he did not figure out how to build. How to escalate. How to escalate. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that was it. I mean, maybe he was. Yeah. I mean, this seemed very improv 101. Yeah. Maybe like he could start with, how you doing?

Mm-hmm. And then the next question could be – Hey, fuckface. How's your mother? Yeah. Hey, how's your mother? Where are we? What was the worst thing that happened in your childhood?

My soul is trapped in this wax man. So I'm in luck. Get me out and let me into heaven. I'm in the. Oh, can I ask a question about sports pranks real quick? Yeah, of course. And just general. Is it about hot foots?

It's not about hot. That's like the classic sports prank, right? Oh, God. Like matches in the shoe. No, a hot foot. That's a prank because you're lighting someone's shoe on fire. And that's so weird. Like, what a bizarre thing to do. It's not just yelling at someone when they weren't expecting it. That's just playing peekaboo. dignified thing that a professional sportsman would have to do is like you know a super bowl

shuffle or god which one did i watch the other day there's one where the the rams had to do this rap called let's ram it uh-huh and then like one guy you know it's very like late 80s a guy like played the saxophone and they did a dance called let's Ram It. The 49ers had a song that went and I'm not shitting you. This is really how it went. 49ers, 49ers, 49ers, 49ers, 49ers. Like that's the best they could muster. That was what this collective songwriting geniuses of San Francisco came up with for Joe Montana and Jerry Rice. San Francisco came up with for Joe Montana and Jerry Rice.

Now it seems like there are there's pressure on professional sportsmen to do these kind of like kooky viral videos and to like do all this like weird fan outreach stuff. And it seems like that is that that is a that's a dignity water slide that's, you know, going into the lazy river. a dignity water slide that's going into the lazy river. If I can extend my water park metaphor. Like what you're saying is that at some point the viral video I'm game for anything situation is just gonna

collapse there on its own. I mean I definitely remember like every sports team had to do their Harlem shake when that was a thing. Did you see Detroit Tigers Zubas? I did not see Zubas. You know what Zubas is? No, uh-uh.

Zubas is this kind of sportswear that was very popular in the, gosh, I guess it would be around 1990-ish, like late 80s, early 90s. I remember it where it's like for a team, it's in the colors of the team, but it's an animal print. Okay. Usually like a leopard print or a lot of zebra print. Like a fine zebra. It's something Boomer Esiason would wear. Okay.

You know what I'm talking about on the sidelines? Yeah. Like Phil Simms is wearing a Zubas cap. Sure. You know, in the NFC Championship game. Mm-hmm. And the Detroit Tigers, as a group, all decided to wear Zubas to the ballpark one day. Okay.

In Detroit Tigers Zubas. Sure. And it was Zubas Day. And, I mean, it's not the height of funniness, but I'm not mad at that. Okay. You know what I mean? In general, you're pro. You think that more goofing around from our professional athletes.

I just like goofing around. Sure. I don't know. I'll tell you what. I was just on Never Not Funny with our friends Matt Pardo and Jimmy Belknap. Sure. I don't know. I'll tell you what. I was just on Never Not Funny with our friends Matt Pardo and Jimmy Belknap. Sure. And I discussed with them something that I would love to get your perspective on as a non-sports fan and non-George Michael fan. Yeah.

Because our friend Jimmy Pardo is both a George Michael fan and a sports fan. So Josh Reddick of the Oakland Athletics is a power hitter. And, you know, baseball players, they get walk-on music. You know what walk-on music? Sure, yeah. So every time they go to bat, you know, they get to pick the music they play. Oh, I've maybe, I've seen this. He's picked a questionable George Michael song. It's Careless Whisper.

Okay. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. What do you think about that? I'd like to hear two more minutes of you humming it, and then I'll be prepared to make my judgment. Number one, I'm singing it. Uh-huh. Oh, sorry. Yeah, well, the saxophone is the instrument that is most like the human voice, so it's easy to sing the saxophone line.

Okay. That's why I did such an exceptionally good job. Well, I mean, is he joking? Is it a joke? It's a joke. He typically would have a more rocking song. He's ironically choosing Careless Whisper. Okay.

He's not a George Michael fan. That's not why he's doing it. Right. It's not a tribute to George Michael. No. It's a tribute to how he would normally pick the theme song of his favorite wrestler. God, sure. Is that a big way that baseball players choose their walk-on music and they just imitate whatever their favorite wrestler does?

It is for Josh Reddick. Okay, sure. I think – I guess I don't know what kind of guy he is. I guess if he's an aggressive, bro-y guy, I like it less. But if he's a scamp, if he's a mincing rascal type, maybe it's more fun. Baseball needs more mincing. That's ultimately what we're talking about.

Sure. It needs more mincing rascals. There's a certain... There are too many... Yeah, I mean, I think that's ultimately... Ultimately what it comes down to is, are you someone who got all of the jokes in old school the first time or the third time you saw it? Like, if you're one of those people that said, I don't know, I thought Anchorman was pretty weird the first time through.

But by the third time, I was totally quoting it to my friends. Sure. So random. Yeah. I think that's what it comes down to for me okay but it is hard to say i mean i don't i the reason i asked the question and i you know i i put it out to jimmy as well as i'm not sure how i feel about it there's a part of me that that equates it with a television commercial that's uh arch and ironic sure i don't know how I feel about that either.

Well, that it's easier for me to just be like, ah, fuck you. Sure. A certain, if you, a certain Framley plan type commercial. Yeah. Oh boy. God bless that Judy Greer. Hey. What a wonderful lady.

You know what? She was in here on Bullseye. She could not have been more than one. There's a lot of talented people in those awful commercials. Yeah. Kevin Durant, for example, one of the greatest basketball players of his era. Some terrific people. I'm glad they're all getting residual checks for those.

Yeah. Those rocket feet. Sure. Whoever drew those rocket feet onto Kevin Durant. Oh, boy. Anyways. Yeah. I guess.

Okay. I'm thinking of myself being at the ballgame and hearing that. I think I would think it was pretty funny. Yeah. Not knowing anything about the guy. I mean, if the guy is doing it, you know, out of some sort of, like, George Michael's a pussy. Like, if that's the attitude, I like it less. But in general, just, like, if you're used to hearing kind of crazy you know rap music as the

walk-on or metal music or whatever huh almost always oh crazy train yeah yeah sure if some you know uh super ballsy classic rock yeah you know i think i think i like it in general until that guy reveals himself to be an asshole then i don't like it i don't know if this guy's an asshole that's subtle if he is, then I like it less. I'm in La Cunada Flint Ridge. Sure. I've already ridden with my son on the tiny railroad, which I highly recommend. Anytime you're in...

You've also been on the Travel Town tiny railroad, too. How does this stack up to the Travel Town? I'm a connoisseur. I like the tiny... I'll tell you what. The Travel Town railroad, which is in Los Angeles' Griffith Park, is a gorgeous railroad. I like the tiny – I'll tell you what. The Travel Town Railroad, which is in Los Angeles' Griffith Park, is a gorgeous railroad. I like that Travel Town itself is free to be in. Fans might remember on It's the Railroad that I was on when an old man hit it with a car.

Yes. I forgot about that. Go back and listen to that. I like that one. That is a ride-in railroad, which is to say it's, it's, uh, dramatically undersized, but it's big enough for two people to sit next to each other on. Okay. Uh, the one in La Cunada Flint Ridge is the kind where you sit on top of it.

Okay. Um, and that's actually a little more fun. I decided. Okay. Um, so I'm, I'm going to go la canada flintridge on this one although for overall experience i might go back to travel town because you get to go around twice okay you you you think it's it's a it's an extra value although now that i think about it the la canada flintridge one is called the Enchanted Forest Railway.

Mm-hmm. And I don't even think that the Travel Town one has a name besides the Travel Town Railway. They called it the Pussy Express for a while. For that reason, I'm going to say Enchanted is a big – You like that. You like enchantments. I didn't see any direct evidence of enchantment, but – I mean, I guess you can – I mean, enchantment, I didn't see any direct evidence of enchantment, but. I mean, I guess you can.

I mean, enchantment, I think, is something people think of as a positive, but there are negative enchantments. Sure. Like if a witch enchants you? Yeah, like what if by riding on that railroad I got minus four charisma? No, you don't want that. No, I'm a professional podcaster. I need all the charisma I can get. Oh, absolutely.

You're going to have to. And then you're going to have to take time out of your week to find a rune. Right. To correct that. Exactly. And I'm a busy man. Yeah, absolutely. Honestly, if it's up to me, I'm just going to send my assistant to find the rune.

Yeah. In Hollywood, assistants, you know, you can have them do anything. Yeah. Wash my car. Pick up my dry cleaning. Find a rune to correct this enchantment. Exactly. Jennifer, in fact, Jennifer, as the office administrator of MaximumFun.org, I think it would fall to her to find a rune to correct my enchantment. So I wrote the thing.

Are you going to reimburse her for gas to get to the bog? Which is where the runes are. I think it's going to be a gassy bog. Let's be honest. to get to the bog, which is where the ruins are. I think it's going to be a gassy bog. Let's be honest. So you think she could just fill up there on natural bog gases? Presuming that she has a hybrid vehicle. Okay.

She's shaking her head no. She does not have a hybrid vehicle. Well, maybe you should think about the environment the next time you buy a car, Jennifer. It's not all about you. And maybe I should pay you more. Jen's a shrewd negotiator. She just got a raise. So we went, you know, we checked out the roses in the garden. We went on the railroad.

And when we decided to go to lunch and we went to this German place. And this is what happened when i hit the german place first of all i ordered myself a sandwich it's a delicatessen i ordered myself a sandwich and i got an italian uh an italian sandwich i got myself a salami in swiss with italian salami they offered me german salami i went italian because it was the salami that i know sure the german salami i don't know what that is. Yeah. It could have beliefs you're uncomfortable with. Right. What's the salami's belief system?

It could have a little trace of communist East Germany left. Mm-hmm. Like a little bit of collectivism. Sure. Still in there. I hear they found that salami hiding out in Argentina. Sure. Still in there. I hear they found that salami hiding out in Argentina.

So then while they're making my sandwich, I figure they're going to make it in front of me. But actually there's other people in front of me in line. Oh, P.S. Everyone at this delicatessen is dressed up in German girl outfits. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Four stars. Four stars.

I don't like that. I love it. What's it called? Some one or others fine sausages. Okay. Kreiswalds. Okay. I'm going to say, you know, Krimswaldsforscht.

Yeah. Forscht. Forscht. Forscht Faust. Forscht Faustus. Forscht Faust fine sausages. And... Sausages.

It's pronounced... I mean... Sausages. Sao... Sausages. Sausages. Forscht Faust Sausage. Sausages. Sausages. Forstfaust Sausage. Sausage.

Now we're seeing. Now I can't imagine anybody's going to correct our pronunciation on that. But here's the thing. Thank you. We know from my visits to Tip Top Meats in Carlsbad, California, that if you put me inside of a German delicatessen, I become powerless. So I bought this sandwich. And this sandwich was a great value. $4.90 for a sandwich.

Hey, not bad. Nice roll. Yeah. Pickles, mayo, mustard. Get a bag of chips with that? I didn't eat one. Okay. I don't eat a lot of junk food.

Okay. I try to avoid junk food. Sure. You know, junk calories. Yeah. Stick with, you know, sweet rolls. Yeah. Mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise and meats. Yeah. Salami. Yeah. Oh, because you're doing a cleanse. Yeah. I'm doing a salami cleanse. You're doing the salami and mayonnaise cleanse?

Yeah. Yeah. You're not going to want to taint that with a bag of chips. No. I'm trying to get rid of my toxins right now. Mm-hmm. So. I mean, you like have an energy right now yeah you

know and i can really tell that you're oh i feel like flushing out your system i feel like i'm vibrating colors are brighter yeah how's your colon it is so clean nice i actually had just had someone get up in there and all that came out was sparkling water wow yeah that's amazing i guess you don't need the soda stream anymore. No. You could just use the sparkling water that comes out of your colon. Oh, gee whiz. Yeah. Anyway, moral of the story is. Just shove a little lime wedge up there if you want it flavored. You give me 10 minutes. You give me 10 minutes in a German delicatessen, I'll buy $65 worth of smoked meats. That's what I did.

I just, I went apeshit. I bought, I'm like, oh, bags of spetzel. Yeah. I better buy those. And then I'm like, oh, here's a little, you know, grocery cart. What's a not a cart? Basket. Yeah. Here's a little grocery basket.

And then I'm like, oh, they got a smoked duck? One smoked duck, please. And I'm like, can I have some of these smoked pork chops? And they're like, oh, how about these smoked sausages over here? All of a sudden, I'm like $100 into this place for smoked meats. But you know what? That's how I became the Teenage Special King of Southern California. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, that was quite a yarn. Yeah, I mean, I like the nickname now more because I know the story behind it. Well, you thought of it in terms of, obviously, the title hadn't been given out since the early 1970s. Sure. But it just so happened that the last. James Caan was the first one, right? Exactly.

Exactly so. And the final teenage Spetzel King of Southern California, of course, and a lot of people don't know this, was Mickey Rooney. Oh. Who at the time was in his 50s. Yeah, it was the 50s. Okay. But people still remember him as a child star. Right, exactly. So they thought of him as a teenager. And when he passed away, he returned in his will the title to Schweinschwalz's Fine Sausages. Sausages. Sausages.

And they said, we'll wait for someone to come in here. See who buys the most? See who buys the most Spetzel. And it's a combination. It's 50% Spetzel, 50% pure of heart. Yeah. That's where the – because it's – How did you prove that you were pure of heart or is that just a sense that they get?

Oh, they can tell. Yeah. I mean you put on that Bavarian girl dress. Right. And all of a sudden you can tell who is and isn't pure of heart. So you had to put on the dress. Yes, exactly. Well, had to isn't how I would put it.

I had the honor of donning the traditional garb. Yes. Donning the traditional garb. Okay. Yes. Are you sure that they're – I don't want this to sound like an accusation of cheating. Right. Or doping. But –

Yes. I replaced some platelets. Okay. I had my platelets spun. And I'm not suggesting you're not actually pure of heart. But, I mean, I do know that you you are you do have some wickedness within you. How do you how? Number one, how dare you accuse me of wickedness?

I mean, I just this is something that I that I know about you. I mean, if anything, I'm Maleficent. Do you think that you were actually pure of heart enough or was there – the committee, the German meat committee, was their judgment just clouded by the runes in your pocket? Were you using a kind of rune that kind of influences the mind? Plus four charisma? Yeah, plus four purity. Yeah. I mean the GMC, the German meat, are very difficult to baffle or confuse.

Sure. But I just, I simply, I simply did what I had to do to make my dream come true. Well, do you want to try it out just for the rest of this episode? Do you want to try out the, sorry, say it for me again, the teenage Spetzel King of Southern California? Yeah. And just see how it flies. Yeah, sure. That sounds good. We'll see how it goes.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Hello, my name's Graham Clark. My name is Dave Shumka. Together we host a show called Stop Podcasting Yourself. We're from Canada. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. And every week we're lucky enough to be joined by a guest, sometimes a comedian, or sometimes just somebody that we like,

and somebody probably you've never heard of and uh trust us if you followed us this far into the promo just try it out please do we sound too desperate stop podcasting yourself on maximumfun.org Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love youstuffs here. Great. First of all, you were kind enough to bring me some foodstuffs. Yeah. Thank you very much for that. My pleasure. A store opened up around the corner from me that seems to only sell bulk Scandinavian gummy candies. I don't know how this business will survive.

Probably won't. I'm eating a gummy monkey. Yeah. But they had a lot of like cool weird stuff in there. I know that you're a fan of gummy candies. I love gummy candies. I'm not even – I don't like candy overall that much. I mean I'm not a monster. I like candy.

Sure. It's a sugar food. But I prefer like ice cream. Sure. I agree with you there. I think if you're having a sweet. But gummy candy is my favorite kind of candy. Yeah.

And I still kind of try and avoid candy. But this place was so fun inside. And all the candies had such kooky names. I'm like, well, I want to scoop these. I want to read all the names. I'll just get some for my friends. That is really nice of you. I actually ate a weird sheriff's badge a minute ago.

Oh, yeah. The sheriff's badge, the slogan for the sheriff's badge is a gummy sheriff's badge. And the slogan is become the mayor of Fruit Town. Oh, excuse me, the sheriff of Fruit Town. Well, you know. I mean, but the sheriff is a stepping stone to mayor. Absolutely. Especially in West Hollywood.

Right. Exactly. I would love to be the mayor stone to mayor. Absolutely. Especially in West Hollywood. Right. Exactly. I would love to be the mayor of Furtown. Okay. So we got actually something in the mail that came all the way from China. Wow. Our friend Donna. Yeah.

You remember Donna. Sure. Donna is a friend of ours who competed in the olympic games in 2012 in the sport of modern pentathlon believe is how it's pronounced yeah pentathlon spetzel and modern spetzel donna is a canadian woman though we don't hold that against her no reason to sure uh she's an exceptionally she's a nice person yeah bob and Bob and Doug McKenzie, they're Canadian. They're hilarious. Yeah.

Hoser. Yeah, you got it. Hosers. So, yeah, I'm okay with Canadians. Can I say it? Yeah. Hosers. Oh, man.

Love those guys. Thanks for that, Donna. Love those guys. Anyway, she writes... Dear Jordan and Jesse, I just got home from a World Cup in Chengdu. Chengdu. When I say that this came from China, that's because I think Chengdu is in China. Because of your racism.

I may just be a racist. Sure. Yeah. That's what I would guess, too. As a fellow racist. Yeah. Okay, good. I was planning on sending you a postcard, but then I changed my mind.

I think that happens to a lot of people. They leave town with the best of intentions, keeping in touch with their podcast pals, Jesse and Jordan. by the exotic flavors and delightful destinations, then you are sending mail home from your beachfront cabin. Right. Yeah. I think that, yeah. I mean, definitely, I'm always someone who intends to send postcards, and I maybe do it about 50, 60% of the time.

And yeah, I don't know. If it's a long trip, there's definitely a day you're like, okay, this is when I'm going to do my postcards. But if it's like a two- or three-day situation, I mean, you're too busy out there fucking those beautiful Chinese boys. What? That's what I'm doing. You know how the fuck to enjoy Chengdu. Exactly. Okay.

You know what Donna was probably doing? Petting a horse. Oh, that's fun. You know what I mean? Doing that kind of horse stuff. Yeah, you don't want to go try and find a stamp when you're petting a horse. Oh, that's fun. You know what I mean? Doing that kind of horse stuff. Yeah, you don't want to go try and find a stamp when you're petting a horse. No, sir. Okay.

I was out on a shopping expedition with the Brazilian athletes. God, can you imagine how good-looking the Brazilian delegation probably is? Yeah. Think about how good-looking. Donna is a very good-looking woman. She is representing Canada, a perfectly normal-looking donna is a very good-looking sure she is representing canada a perfectly normal looking nation well i mean unless you count the extreme good looks of bob and doug mckenzie well that's a good point point taken there's two good-looking hosers but i think it's fair to say

overall canada is a nation of medium level good looks just in general donna is a very good-looking woman yeah i mean there's some beautiful Canadians. Certainly. Yeah. Donna among them. My point is this. If we're talking about the boost that you get from being in the athletic delegation and you start with Brazil, which I think is universally regarded to be the best looking country in the world. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, as someone who has spent a few days in Brazil, I can confirm that that like a that a hot fuck gas radiates off that place. Like there's a haze that I was sensing was just like a, you know, like kind of a swamp gas that that wants wants you to that makes you look at butts. Right. So my assumption is that a shopping expedition for competition snacks with the Brazilian athletes is some kind of euphemism. I don't know what it's for. Yeah. Shining and waxing your butts. Anyway, and at the local grocery store, we found a bulk food section with unidentifiable to us shrink-wrapped treats. I felt compelled to buy one of everything for you guys because I imagine you'd enjoy

the chance or maybe challenge of trying all of these things. Of course, if you don't want to eat any of them, I won't mind. Consider this a small gesture just to let you know that I think of you often and with fondness, and your shows bring me a lot of joy. Oh, that's nice. I mean, that's the least we can do. Well, with that. Cram a couple of these mystery things in our mouth.

Yeah, and, you know, if you need a new laser gun or whatever when the Olympics roll around in 2016, we're there for you, Don. Sure. Okay, so Donna— I'll take a mincing rascal. Donna made this beautiful little box out of these lovely postcards of Chengdu. Oh, neat. I thought it was very nice of her.

So crafty. I know, right? Okay, I'm just going to throw a handful of crap at you. Yeah. And I'll just keep a box full of crap here. Sure. Does that make sense? Yeah.

We'll just eat a few of these things. Yep. So the, okay. I'll eat this Shogun mask one. Gosh, I'm going to be so accidentally racist during this so much and I apologize. This one, Elg, this is kind of like a kabuki face. I said Shogun mask, and it looks inside like, gosh, it's like a beige clump with red juices in it. Okay, because I'm looking at mine, and mine, your packaging is your mask is green and my mask is red. Do you think these are going to be different flavors?

Mine also looks like a weird, it looks like a bit of honey inside this package is about four inches by three inches and it is indeed a sort of shrink wrap style package it looks like this is fucking seafood i know it this is a weird clam bit that i'm about to eat this is like a a nautilus chunk i actually said nautilus chunk and squid juice... This is a Nautilus chunk in squid juice. I know it. I did... I had all of mine in the box on my lap, but I just emptied out the box because I'm going to need a spit hole. Yeah.

I don't have any... I'm just going to spit on the ground if that's okay. Mine is a pink version. Oh, it's savory. Fuck. What does it taste like? I just smelled it. As I opened the plastic wrap wrap the smell hit me in

the face you haven't even put it in your mouth yet yeah i thought i'm like oh best case scenario this is like a weird bitter candy but here i'm gonna give you this is like a savory snack uh the spit box by the way does not appear to be water waterproof it is literally made of postcards taped to each other okay um jordan is chewing on microphone which almost everyone in our audience is fine with yeah i think so if you're by the way if you're not cool with chewing on microphone uh send your complaints to uh jordan and jordan jesse go chewing on microphone chewing on microphone department 1600 pennsylvania avenue Jesse Go, Chewing on Microphone Department, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, District of Columbia. That's – yeah. Oh, also grammar complaints too.

I'll just go there. Thank you. Gosh, this is – okay. So this is gross. I cannot even tell you what it is. It's these beige chunks and they're like tiny, and they're all in this red juice. And it's vaguely – God, I don't even – I mean, just – it's like gross savory is the best way I can describe it. Can I tell you who the maker is?

It's the Sichuan Longxiang Bean Food Company. Oh, it's probably bean curd. Bean curd? Okay, I'm going to taste mine. Mine is... You have the red version of the green. Yeah. Ugh.

Ugh. Hmm. It's all stuck together. Yeah, they're just these, like, squares, these curdy squares. Kurdish? Yeah, these Kurdish squares. Okay. How does this affect your cleanse, Jesse?

Should we put these, is there any way we can put some mayonnaise on these and maybe put it on a Kaiser roll for you? They're really rubbery. Yeah. You know, I don't have a problem with the texture. The texture's kind of fun. It's like squid. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to have another one.

What do you think of this? You know what it tastes a little bit like? Extra spicy, crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken. Hmm. Only if that was squid. Right, if that was mushy and... Pass me this spit box. Oh, sorry.

Put it... Oh, my God. I'm good. Okay. I have one that this one looks kind of nice. This looks like a, like a beef jerky type snack. It has a candy here real quick.

It has a Chinese man on it. Yeah. Uh, a pleasant looking Chinese man on the front, kind of welcoming me to the snack. Can I take a look at it? Yeah, sure.

He seems nice, right? Oh, he is nice. Like a super chill dude. I mean, if he wasn't Chinese, I would say he was racist. Yeah. But because it was drawn, this was made in China, so it's not a racist character. Yeah, he looks pretty chill. Yeah. He looks like he's hanging out and he's got some sticks in his arm. So yeah, this looks like, I mean, this looks like a beef jerky you would buy at a gas station. It's been vacuum-packed, which is not typically how you would buy that, but I've seen it vacuum-packed before. So I'm going to assume the best, that this is delicious, spicy beef jerky. Well, the best would be if it was a boeuf bourguignon.

Sure. Do you think it's possible that it's boeuf bourguignon? Could be. It could be. What if it's goulash? I like goulash. I would like a nice packaged goulash, a shrink-wrapped goulash that's been mailed. Yeah, just mail.

That's the new slogan of the new Communist Party, the new leadership in China is mail that goulash. Okay. It's like the great leap forward. So these are sauce-covered meat flakes. The new leadership in China is mail that goulash. Okay. It's like the great leap forward. So these are sauce-covered meat flakes. They have some kind of pepper on them. You think they're meat? Are you sure they're meat?

I think it's meat. It's like a stringy, kind of beefy. It's like, what if a Slim Jim was worse? Like, think about how a Slim Jim is. It's not that good. This is worse. And this is like in string, you kind of peel it. Maybe you would eat this like you would string cheese.

So you're peeling off these meat segments. I'll have one more bite. I mean, my feeling about this? Yeah. You need the spinox? Yes. I shouldn't have eaten two bites. The second bite was much more powerful than the first bite. Very spicy.

What happened on the second bite? Don't know. Too gross. Jordan looks really upset right now. I want you to know, if you're listening at home, these are not – this is not Jordan exaggerating. This is Jordan legitimately upset. Yeah, so it makes your hands greasy like a Slim Jim. Right. I will say the spiciness is pleasant.

It's very spicy. I like that. The problem I have with it is the taste, which is bad. Like that. The problem I have with it is the taste, which is bad. But as far as like a spiciness delivery system, it's all right. You can do worse. It's sort of like our show is a delivery system for cultural norms.

Sure. Exactly. You really could do worse. It's really not that bad. So, yeah, that thing was a thing. Okay. Yeah, that thing was a thing. Okay, my worry about this one, which is called Leng Chitou Yan Bang Nian Dai, is that it looks a little bit like just wants to light me on fire.

My next one says it's called the cream of some young guy, and it just has a picture of Wayne and Garth laughing at me on it. Can I have the spit box just in case? I'm a little worried about this one. This is not great for the smell in this place. No. We're getting a bean curdy, beefy. It didn't have a pleasing or sweet smell before, this room. Yeah.

Not the best. Yeah, I mean, not a place you'll go for a nice smell. And now it's, yeah, weird savory vacuum snacks. Oh, okay. That looks like cat food. Like you're squeezing cat food out of, it's like those single serving cat food packets. Are these for people? What we're eating might not be intended for people.

That's a really good point. We haven't seen any cartoon cats on any of these. And that's basically the evidence we're using to go on the fact that none of these are that all of these are intended for human consumption and not pet consumption. Yeah. Do they have pets in Chengdu? I imagine so. I mean, who doesn't like a pet? Different cultures have different kind of pets. They might just have parakeets. Sure. We might be eating birdseed. You know what I saw today? Okay, this is crazy.

At breakfast today, I was at a breakfast place on kind of an outside patio. There was a group of people on the patio, and next to them was a big plastic tub, like something you would buy at Target to put Christmas lights in, with two full-grown ducks. And they had a bag of alfalfa for the ducks. they finished their breakfast and just picked up the ducks and walked away wait it was open yeah it was open why were the ducks where were why were the ducks staying the ducks seemed happy in the box i that's what i was wondering too i'm like at any point these ducks could just get out and start you know ducking around this restaurant right which i don't want. Why are ducks allowed at restaurants? I don't know. It was like people had their – I'm sure it's just a slippery slope with dogs.

Like there were people there with like dogs on the outside patio. Right. And I bet there's like a, oh, so it's just dogs? I can't bring my two ducks in a plastic bin? Dogs kill ducks. Yeah, I know. That's one of the main jobs of dogs. I was very worried for the ducks that these dogs were going to get in there.

Some dogs just point at ducks. That's true. So that's probably what they were counting on. Yeah. They'll probably just point. Yeah, it was so weird. What do you think that is? Are people keeping ducks as pets now and walking them to brunch?

That's so weird, right? It really is. And I say that as a guy who likes ducks. I mean, I just bought a smoked duck at the sausage place. Hey, I'm nothing against ducks. And I liked looking at these ducks in their bin. They were very pretty. Was it a nice bin?

It was a pretty nice bin, yeah. But it was shit covered, right? There was no – I didn't see any shit in the bin, and there wasn't like a shit smell coming from it that like ruined the meal. Do you think they put it in the dishwasher every night? Yeah, maybe. Maybe they just buy a new bin. Yeah, there's been like six bucks. Maybe their dads are like a bin magnate or something.

Yeah, you just beat Costco. Yeah. $5.98. 100 bins. For your ducks to walk. Okay, so this is just a picture of fire. Okay. But it looks like meat.

Meat chunks. It looks like beef or something. What's your spiciness tolerance? I guess I don't know that. I don't love spiciness. Medium low? Yeah, medium low seems like a fair. Maybe I'm up to medium, but I'm going to say medium low.

That's about me too. I mean, I like an upper medium every now and then, but I like to stick around medium. Yeah, it's making me sweat. I'm not enjoying it. Sure. Okay. That is meat. Mm-hmm.

It's a little gristly. Mm-hmm. Wait, did I say gristly? I meant sandy. Okay. Granually. This is not that bad. Okay.

This tastes like, what if beef jerky didn't taste like much of anything except for kind of spicy? Okay. It's like a non-salty, non-flavorful beef jerky. This one's nothing. Okay. I took care of that one. Boom. Okay, I got to. This one's nothing. Okay. I took care of that one. Boom. Okay, I got to do one more.

Okay. Okay, this is... This has got to be our last one. These things are so fucking gross. This has a similar mask on it to the first one. This has like a kabuki mask. I want to be clear. The reason that these things are gross

isn't because they're Chinese. It's because any food that you eat without knowing what you're going to eat is gross. You can't prepare yourself brain-wise. That's the problem. The Chinese language is different from the English language. They're different languages. I only speak the English language. Because you're an American. I can read the English language. Because you're an American.

I can read the English language. And I can also read Cyrillic lettering. If you need me to read Cyrillic lettering, I could read that. I can read wingdings. You cannot read wingdings. I can. No, you cannot read wingdings. Put some wingdings in front of me. I'll tell you what it says.

Jordan, you're just going to try and highlight the wingdings and change the font to Times New Roman. That's what I mean by read. I'll tell you what. The problem here is that where there should be English words, there are squiggles and wiggles that mean nothing to me. For that reason. This one smells so bad. Oh, gross. Okay, what is it?

Oh, Jesus. What do you have there? Okay, so this is just a pack. It has this mask on it. Yeah. Which is, I'm assuming, the mask of death taunting me. That's the Chinese symbol for snack time. Yeah, this frowning mean mask.

Uh-huh. That's the Chinese symbol for snack time. Yeah, this frowning mean mask. Uh-huh. Oh, boy. And this is just like a – gosh, this looks like cat food. I'm sorry. Like wet, weird cat food.

It's like this kind of light beige paste that's coming out of this thing. If Jonathan Gold was here right now to tell us what to expect out of these weird things that we're eating. Or the Momofuku guy was here. Oh, sure. Yeah, we need that guy. And Momofuku guy probably knows exactly what all these motherfucking things are. Yeah, Jonathan Gold's out here. He's unlocking you out of Flint Ridge. Momofuku guy just travels the world collecting weird shit like this and writing down what to expect from it.

Yeah. And then adding it to ramen. All right, I'm going to have a bite of this beige, could be brain. This isn't a little like a ketchup packet. This isn't like, what if a ketchup packet was square? Yeah, it's this square. And I had to kind of squeeze it out through a hole that I made. What's the texture of it?

Oh, I mean, just like raw chicken. Like think about a raw chicken breast. Right. That you're about to do something to. Ugh. So it looks. So I need to cook this? Is this to be eaten like this?

We'll find out later. Am I going to get salmonella? Find out later in the program. God, I'm going to have such weird diarrhea. Is there any lead paint on any of this? Okay. Yeah. Worst smell. Right. Most pleasant taste taste what does it taste like uh just kind of like a

salty chunk imagine a chunk right and imagine if it was really salty right so waft when i opened the package was pretty bad but this is not the worst i don't want to eat more bites of it right but it was fine it did not upset me like the other ones. You want to have a little squeeze of this? Can I have a little squeeze of this? Don't throw it on me. I want some of the juices to fling around the room. You flipped it.

You flipped it at me. Now talk about looking like cat food. Yeah. I don't think anything has so... It looks like a combination of cat food and corned beef hash. Like uncooked. Thoughts? I mean all of these seem to be derivatives of the Slim Jim.

I mean I think that's the thing that they all – the taste most resembles the Slim Jim to me. I think the taste resembles a Slim Jim. The texture is something like an undercooked corned beef hash. And then there's various kinds of weird chili paste surrounding them. That's fair. Right? Yeah. Well, here's to Chengdu.

Yeah, Chengdu, way to go. And thanks to our friend Donna. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the spetzel king of Southern California, the teenage spetzel king of Southern California. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, guess what? Our special thanks this week to our friends at Earwolf.

You're familiar with Earwolf. Sure. It's a podcast network with many fine shows. Oh, tons of fine shows. I just mentioned Never Not Funny, which I am on this very week. Whoa. Never Not Funny recently went free. You had to pay for it for a long time.

Yeah. But I like it so much that I pay. I personally, out of my own pocket, pay for a second episode every week so I can listen to that show twice a week. It's a great show. It's a great show. Lots of other programs, of course. How Did This Get Made? We've both been on How Did This Get Made, right? Yeah, that's a blast. Couldn't be more fun than going on How Did This Get Made with those great folks. But in addition to all of the great shows that they make over there at earwolf they also have earwolf.com where you can listen to the shows you can get merchandise

and you can sign up for the sclusey laden newsletter i think a sclusey is an exclusive i probably you got to figure that's earwolf talk for an exclusive right yeah yeah anyway no more dilly-dallying go over to ear Earwolf.com. Our thanks to our friends at Earwolf. And they really are our friends. I was on a fun Earwolf podcast recently called The Hollywood Handbook. Oh. This is a program hosted by Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements. And the premise is you get interviewed as the worst possible version of yourself.

Oh. So you should listen to that show that I'm on, but don't hate me. Don't, like, hate me because of yourself. Oh. So, you should listen to that show that I'm on, but don't hate me. Don't, like, hate me because of it. I just did. I was awful on it. I was just a fucking asshole.

I just did a fantasy report on the Sklar Brothers podcast, Sklar Bro Country, which I appear on regularly, you know, every couple months. Sure. And I think my fantasy report this time around i do i cover

non-traditional fantasy sports league so a lot of people focus on football basketball that kind of thing uh in this case i was focusing on a fantasy charcuterie so cured meats um and sausages things like that grand just had a blast. If you want to win your Fantasy Charcuterie League, or even if you're just in a cheeseboard league and you're looking to expand for next year, I think it's a good place to check in. Great. It's all online at Earwolf.com. Nobody up on the Jumbotron this week, but if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron, and you can share your message with our enormous listening audience for a very affordable amount of money. Wish somebody happy birthday.

Wish them happy anniversary. Offer condolences for the loss of a loved one. What better way to send their soul to heaven? Promote your podcast or your blog or whatever. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We maintain that at a low, low price just for you, the actual Jordan Jesse Go listener. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a beautiful day. You know what? That's bullshit. I feel bad for trying to bullshit people. Man, yeah. You really tried to put one over on us. It's not that beautiful of a day.

It's like weird. It's hazy. I like that it's cool. It's a little cooler, but it's not as cool as you expect it to be. Sure. The haze is kind of overpowering. It's hazier for it should be cooler. I agree with you.

That's what I was trying to say. What's going on around here in Los Angeles? I'm just kind of glad it's not a million degrees out. I'm glad I'm not flying a helicopter. Sure. Through that haze. The visibility? Oh, forget about it. I'm glad I'm not Chet Hayes.. Through that haze. The visibility? Oh, forget about it.

I'm glad I'm not Chet Hayes. Oh, boy. That'd be the worst. Yeah. I'm glad I'm not Chet Baker. Why not? No, you know what? I would like to be Chet Baker.

That would be really... It's very talented. That would be fun. You'd have a lot of talent. Mm-hmm. Not that you don't have talent already. Yeah, but a different kind of talent. A more marketable talent.

That's a really good point. Mm-hmm. You mean relative to comedy writing? Sure. And podcasting? Mm-hmm. But a different kind of talent. A more marketable talent. That's a really good point. You mean relative to comedy writing? Sure. And podcasting? Mm-hmm. There's no doubt about that. Yeah.

Now that you have a comedy writing job, you're probably going to buy yourself a sports car, right? Yeah, like a Stang, a Lambo, Shishu, Bebo, Plebom Plebo P-mon G-bor B-mon Monmo Mo-bi People always say it's the Chinese Twitter

I want to say it's called Weibo Yeah In the newspaper they say Comments on the Chinese equivalent of Twitter. I'd like to know what's going on in the Chinese equivalent of LinkedIn. Oh, yeah. You know, the Chinese equivalent of the new.

Ashley Madison. The new MySpace. Yeah. That's mainly focusing on music. Reaction was muted on the Chinese Friendster. Okay. The Chinese Reddit was even grosser than the American one. Reddit's fun.

It's got some gross stuff on there. Yeah, sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's gross. Yeah. That's why it appeals especially strongly to 22-year-old men. Fun and gross. Yeah. High tolerance for gross, high interest in fun. Okay, here we go.

When something momentous happens to you, you got on that Reddit for maximum fun? What about it? There's a Reddit for maximum fun. Oh, yeah, sure. There's a lot of fun stuff going on there. Lawer invented it. Okay. With a three instead of an E.

Cool. Lawyer with invented it. Okay. With a three instead of an E. Cool. Law-er with a three. Somebody, Dave and Graham on our sister podcast, Stop Podcasting Yourself, they sang their own version of the Footloose theme song. Yeah. Somebody made a sweet video of Kevin Bacon dancing to it. Oh, cool. Love those. Love those mashups.

Love it when people take audio from the show and do something creative with it. Some great people made some great GIFs of our friend Cameron Esposito from Wham! Bam! Pow! when she went on the Carson Daily program. Oh, nice. Do you think anyone watches the Carson Daily show? Nah. I mean, literally, how many people do you think? When does it come on TV? Oh, that's a great question. Yeah, it comes on after late night.

So you're going 11.30, 12.30, 1.30. So it comes on 1.30 in the morning, runs till 2.30. Do you think 100,000 people watch it? I bet. That's a great question. I would say, how can it be higher than that, huh? Don't know. Couldn't say.

Do you ever have this question? This is something that came up on the Reddit recently. This is something that came up on the Reddit recently. Somebody mentioned that like 125,000 people were watching that awful guy that replaced Larry King on CNN. Sure. Piers Morgan? Yeah. And remember, you worked for a television show where when they got ratings, they weren't even getting a point or something, right? Yeah, exactly.

Like they figured out that like maybe 10,000 people were watching it or something. Sure, yeah. It's a little annoying that television gets all that advertising money, right? It's totally annoying. Yeah, I bet like Carson Daly and like that and, you know, those weird shows that are on after SNL, like those weird like we're checking out local restaurants, like those types of shows. I think those thrive off like local ad. I think they're around like the local news is around because they can sell. You know, that's where you get your car lots and your mattress kings and you're all the king of big screen.

Yeah. Tito's Tacos down here. That's a fun jingle. You know, that Tito's Tacos jingle. How does it go? I love Tito's Tacos jingle? How does it go? I love Tito's Tacos. You love Tito's too. The only thing better than a

Tito's Tacos is to There, give us some money, Tito's. I'll sing that once a week. How much would you do that for? 50 bucks? 50 bucks a week? One time payment of $50. If they'll retroactively cut me a check for that one I just did.

Yeah. It's up there by the 405. We'll cut it into past episodes for 50 bucks, too. Yeah, sure. How does it go? What? I love Tito's Tacos. You love Tito's, too.

The only thing I'm better than at Tito's Tacos is two. Is two. Is two. Is two. Wa to. Is to. Is to. Got to hit that hard consonant at the end, please. To. Wa.

Wa. There you go. Yeah. We'll cut him a deal. Let's just start our own television network. That's a good idea. Right? Yeah.

That's throwing good money after good. We're coming for you, pivot. Millennials fucking love us. They like to get engaged. Right now, engaged. People are making mashups based on our show. Right now, engaged. Gifts. Right now, engaged millennials are listening to me and Jordan.

Two millennials, by the way. Yeah. Thank you. Depending on your definition of millennial. I'm an 80s baby. Yeah. We watch Nicktoons. Yeah.

We enjoy remembering those. I know what Doug is. Yeah. I'm a millennial. Clueless. I'm entitled. We have warm feelings about the movie Clueless. I really don't.

I'm. I know that's part of it. I think I'm demonstrating right now my sense of entitlement. Ha! I think my voice should be heard. I want to sound off on issues I care about. Boxers!

We're sounding offs! We're getting involved! Getting in the conversation! I'm part of Generation MTV Real World vs. Road Rules Challenge. Thank you. Thank you. Specifically, Generation MTV post music videos.

I make the show Catfish. No, you don't. I do. That's Neve and Borp. I'm the star of the show Catfish. Oh, okay. I'm the titular Catfish. Oh.

Just down here at the bottom of the lake. Hope our redneck doesn't put his hand in my mouth. That's what the show Catfish is about. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, the listener, we ask that you call us at 206-9844-FUN. And no, hearing that hilarious riff about millennials in television doesn't count. We have some momentous occasions on deck. Let's hear the first one, Jennifer.

Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. Hey, Sunny D. This is Matt from Connecticut calling. I just wanted to call as a momentous occasion. I was just driving down Main Street and happened to see a gentleman sitting on a brightly colored park bench wearing not one but two shiny gold WWF championship belts. One about his waist and one about his chest.

And all I could think was, yeah, way to get it. Way to get it. Thanks so much. Love the show. Have a great day. Bye. Where do you think he's getting that, puss? Well, I mean, clearly.

I mean, yeah, two-time WWF champion. Yeah, that guy's getting puss. That guy's probably stealing the lives of other wrestlers, and that is a catalyst to a wrestling match. I think those belts are something that gets passed between champions. I think it's like the Stanley Cup. I'm not an expert on wrestling, but I think he must be the reigning champion. He's the current champion. In both singles wrestling and-

Cage-based wrestling. And doubles wrestling. Huh. That's where you wrestle and your teammate is Martina Navratilova. Oh, yeah. Navratilova can take a body slam. Next doubles, it's called. Yeah.

I mean, and it's nice to see, like, a guy who clearly, you know, has it all. Two WWF championships, and he's riding the bus just to, like, you know, because he wants to stay green. Yeah, just to relax. Sure. The guy I called, though, he's not getting it. No, that puss? Yeah. Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah. Why do you say that? I wouldn't call him a puss. I'd call him a caller, but... Okay. Wait. So the wrestler is getting puss, clearly. Oh, no doubt.

With two belts? Yeah, that's what I said. But why do you think the caller's not getting puss? If you have one belt, probably you're getting puss. Two? Two belts. Definitely. You're all up in that puss.

Definitely. You're all up in that puss. Definitely. Oh, yeah. But. Nothing, yeah. Nothing makes that puss more available than when people see you hitting someone

with a folding chair. The guy, the thing is, is the guy who's calling and he's just hanging out around the belt guy in an effort to try and get some overflow.

Mm-hmm. I don't think it's happening for that dude. That's why he's on the phone and not getting that. Yeah. Get off the phone, man. Yeah. Get up in there. Get that.

Yum, yum. Get that. 2014. Get that. That's Pac-Man noises. Wop, wop, wop, wop. But instead of dots, you're eating puss. Da, da, da, da, da, da.

Da, da, da, da, da, da. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Oh, no. It's Marble Madness. Let's take another call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. This is Mike calling in from Norwalk, Connecticut. Scenic Norwalk, Connecticut.

With a momentous occasion. I am the younger brother of Max Fundster Evander, and our middle brother, David, just got married. Very good wedding. We're at an aquarium right now. We got to pet stingrays. I don't know how many of you all pet stingrays. But just calling in with that.

Thank you, guys. Have a good one. Goodbye. So what's the connection with between petting stingrays in this wedding maybe they're like having it at the aquarium did i hear correctly that evander married a stingray i think yeah i mean that tracks to me right yeah that guy's into cartilage you know he is i'm putting the pieces you know that guy's into cartilage with regard to evan sometimes he goes by Evan. Do you think you have to de-barb the stingray before you fuck it?

Or do you think the danger is part of it? I definitely think that's how the crocodile hunter died. Yeah. I bet he was super hard before he died, too. He was like, oh, this is awesome. We apologize, by the way, to the family of the crocodile hunter. But let's be honest. You've heard worse the family of the crocodile hunter. But let's be honest. You've heard worse.

Family of the crocodile hunter. Yeah. I mean, we shouldn't have brought it up. No. The damage is done. Should we refocus? Let's refocus our satirical energies away from the crocodile hunter. Mm-hmm.

And towards the Krat brothers, hosts of Kratt's Creatures. What's that? It's just a show that millennials know about. Okay, I don't know about it, and I'm a millennial. Are you suggesting I'm not a millennial? Millennials are really stoked that I just brought up Kratt's Creatures. Right now they're having one of those TMZ neck tingles. What's that called?

CMTs. Yeah. They're getting the seat. They're getting the, what's that called now? The DHLs. Oh, I know what you're talking about. The one where you jack off to Bob Ross. Yeah.

Right? The one where there's a special jack off compilation of Bob Ross on the internet. Jesus Christ. Hey, they're making a BuzzFeed list right now. Which Kratts creature are you? The DTs. That's what it's called. The DTs.

Delirium Tremens. Delirium Tremens. What is that? It's the hallucinations you get when you're trying out. That's one of the hallucinations you get when you're trying out. You know, our friends Matt and Jimmy from Never Not Funny, they both get those things up and down your neck. Jennifer, you look like you were about to tell us what they're called. ASMR is what it's called.

And that does involve jacking off to Bob Ross, right? Like, I'm not wrong about that? Roughly speaking. Okay. It's non-sexual, but everything else is yes, you're absolutely correct. Okay. You know, Lindsay in our office here was threatening to make some ASMR videos. So what would that entail?

You know what you need to make an ASMR video? Hmm. A nice microphone and a good DSLR. And you're all set. Yeah. You're all set to make that video. We got one more call. Let's hear it.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and guests. This is Matt. I'm driving through downtown Salem, Massachusetts right now, and I just saw a woman walking a chicken on a leash down the street. Thanks, guys. I like the expansion

of barnyard animals into America's cities. Yeah, I mean, it's happening. I think I can get behind that. Yeah. I like barnyard animals. I like animals in general. I like cities. Yeah.

You know, the other day... I mean, I guess here's my thing is that, like, chicken shit is going to be harder to pick up than dog shit. Dog shit, you know, pretty easy. You bring some baggies, take care of it. But chicken shit's really good fertilizer. Okay, man. So more weeds can grow out of the sidewalk.

More vibrant sidewalks. Yeah. I'm thinking. I'll tell you what. The other day on 99% Invisible, a podcast about design and architecture hosted by Roman Mars, I heard this story about cow tunnels. There's cow tunnels in New York, tunnels built under the ground for cows to convey them from point to point in New York City. And now what's in the cow tunnels?

Not cows, right? They're not still doing this? No. Okay. Jordan, what do you think? They're conveying cows from point to point in New York City right now? I don't know. Right under Mayor de Blasio's nose?

Oh, man. De Blasio looks like a real chump. Yeah. So what's in there now? Just like cupcake stores? Yeah. Oh. So what's in there now?

Just like cupcake stores? Yeah. I mean, basically under, you know, spelunkers, cupcake stores, cronuts. What else you got? Neoliberals. Yep. Got a lot of neoliberalism down there. Mommy bloggers.

Brooklyn refugees. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I can't afford Brooklyn anymore. I live in a cow tunnel. Oh, yeah. I mean, but there's some, like, great, like, warehouse parties down in the cow tunnel. Think piece for New York mag.

Mm. For Vulture. About living in a cow tunnel. What it was like to live in a cow tunnel in 1996. But, yeah, I mean, like, just, like, great party scene down there in those cow tunnels. There is a really cool part. A lot of live music. And there's an Electro Clash revival. Oh, yeah?

Which I've really enjoyed in the cow tunnels. It's like it's 2001 all over again. Down in the cow tunnels. The retro cycle is condensing. Gotcha. Just like cute bodegas, too, you know? Really cute, but with bodega cats. Yeah.

And piles of garbage everywhere. They just pile up that garbage. I wonder – I guess my thing is that my thing about trying to like – trying to have these like non-traditional pets is like the pet – do the pets don't seem to – do the pets like it? A dog likes being walked. A dog probably likes going to brunch with you. A dog wants to be a pet. Yeah. That's the thing about a dog. I think this other stuff doesn't – maybe the – I guess the you a dog wants to be a pet yeah i think this other stuff doesn't maybe the i can i guess i guess the pig kind of wants to be a pet

right a dog has evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to be a pet yeah like he probably has a job that he's been involved to do that you're denying him from doing sure you know like pointing pointing at a duck well you know if enough people start bringing uh brunch ducks yeah and they can just point at the ducks and then you know that ecosystem is kind of self-correcting you know life finds a way jesse yeah but you're right i think a duck doesn't want to be a pet really yeah i just he wants to be on walden pond yeah seeing those ducks today i was like like, I get how this is fun for you, and I like these ducks. They look great. But it seems like it's probably not fun for the ducks.

Do you think they eat the ducks? Oh, I don't know. I don't know if they were planning on eating them. Because you eat the chickens, right? The pet chickens? Yeah. I don't know. I wonder if people are using these animals for meat.

Urban butchers. I think- Urban butchers? I think you eat the pet chicken. Hmm. You just cut off his feet, dip him in boiling water. That sounds good. Take off his feathers. Love it.

Roast him. Mm-hmm. He's a little stringy. Sure. Because you've been walking him so much. Yeah. You've got to pin those up cruelly. Yeah.

Keep them tender. Yeah. Put them in a cruelty pen. Have you seen the videos going around of Tara the Hero Cat? Yeah, I heard about this cat. Hero Cat. The Hero Cat saved a young boy from a snarling dog. Yeah.

So there's this house that is weirdly surveillanced. There's like a suburban house that has a lot of surveillance cameras. Right. House that is weirdly surveillanced. There's like a suburban house that has a lot of surveillance cameras. Right. There's video of this little boy kind of riding around the driveway on a bike. Yeah. Neighbor's dog comes out of nowhere, starts biting the kid on the leg. And then also out of nowhere, off of a different, you know, from a different part of nowhere, comes this cat, gets the dog off the boy, chases the dog away.

Tara the hero cat. Right. Threw out the first pitch at a baseball game recently. That's what I didn't like. I feel like we're... Okay, so what they did was they took him to a AAA baseball game. It's in San Diego or something like that. And the cat's on this leash. San Diego Padres. Yeah, right. The AAA baseball team

in San Diego. Can you get demoted from a Major League team if you San Diego Padres. Yeah, right. The AAA baseball team, the San Diego. Can you get demoted from a major league team if you're not good enough? Yeah. Nice. You mean as a team? Yeah. Yeah. Can you just go back?

Yeah, there's a relegation system like in European soccer. Are the Padres bad enough for that to happen? I don't know. I think Padres are all right. Yeah. I mean, they got Tony Gwynn, don't they? Probably still. Yeah.

Yeah. It's still when we were kids, right? For a while, they had Tony Gwynn Jr. Oh, yeah? And I think they just felt obliged. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? Come on, you old so-and-so.

Jerry Rice Jr. just auditioned for the 49ers. Audition tried out. I have a buddy who's a long-suffering Padres fan, and I've thought about starting to go to games with him. It sounds like a lot of fun. Hey, you should go to a Padres game. Nothing wrong with the Padres. That's the big difference between the Padres and the Dodgers.

The Dodgers are evil. The Padres are nothing. Got that fun mascot? Yeah, he's a swinging friar. Hmm. So, okay. So, yeah yeah this is triple a baseball game they've got this cat in a harness and they've they've got some sort of system where the owner is holding a ball that's on a string and the catcher pulls the ball and this is on like the local news them showing how they've jerry-rigged this thing to look to make it look like this cat has thrown out the

first pitch and i just i feel so bad for that make it look like this cat has thrown out the first pitch. And I just, I feel so bad for that cat. It's like he did something amazing and we're punishing him with something he doesn't want to do. Like, you know what you should have done for the cat after it saved the boy? Open up a window. Let him look out the window. That's what a cat likes. Send some treats to him from Chengdu.

Sure, yeah, absolutely. Squeeze out some vacuum-packaged Chinese snacks. Yeah. I felt, I was so mad. And the cat has a Twitter account now, and it's just like, oh, great, so this cat's life is going to be miserable. Do you think he hired that agent that represents Dustin Diamond? Yeah, probably. Yeah, Dustin Diamond.

Yeah, the guy who dressed up, the fat guy in the Tron outfit. They're all part of the same circuit. They're all going to LOL Con or whatever it's called. Sure. Raffle Con. Fuck that noise. God. You don't like to raffle?

You don't like to roll on the floor laughing? At a fat Tron? Would it be cool if ROFL Con was a con that was dedicated to things that tried to be good and succeeded. Instead of things that are terrible, but somehow, I don't know. Something about them was memorable. Right. I was going to say sweetly terrible. Or something.

I don't even know what that's called. Hard to say. Hard to say. God bless you people that go to RaffleCon. I don't care. Well, you clearly do because of all the things you said. Yeah. I'm just saying. I wish it was a different thing, but I'm not really against the thing that it is. You know what I mean? It's not like they're going to NaziCon is what I'm saying.

Yeah. Although it's close. It's an inoffensive thing. I wish it was a different thing, but the thing that it is is inoffensive. Anyways, I'm just saying, like, let's think about these animals that we're putting into these situations. What would they like? Anyway. So you're thinking, if you've got a hero cat, you give it a premium, you give it a wet food. Yeah, give it a nice wet food.

It would like a wet food. It usually only gets a dry food. Sure. It's good for its kidneys, too. Give it some nip. Yeah, a little cat nip. It loves that. Make it so a sunbeam is coming through the window so it can lay down in the sunbeam.

That's how you reward a hero cat. You don't put it in a fucking weird harness, take it to see a shitty baseball game where Toledo Mudhens. Yeah. Where everyone's yelling at it. Right. And it has some sort of contraption to make it look like it's throwing a baseball, but it's not.

Cats barely tolerate people in the best of circumstances. It's like you're punishing the cat for doing something amazing. I'm here with you. Yeah. Now, my recommendation is when I was in Descartos Gardens, I seen a bunny rabbit. Yep. Just get a bunny rabbit. What the fuck's he up to?

He's just hopping around. Yeah. Get him to throw out the first pitch. Everybody loves bunny rabbits. Oh, sure. You don't even have to say, have you ever heard the phrase hero bunny? No. It's because you don't have to say it.

All bunnies are heroes because of how cute they are. Sure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Not a parenting podcast. Guess what? We both just had babies. Again. Check out the show enjoyed by breeders and ballers alike on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, it's been an enjoyable afternoon chatting with you, my friend.

I enjoy doing our program. Oh, it's a lot of fun. I enjoy our listeners. Mm-hmm. I enjoy our producer, Jennifer. Yep. I enjoy Sonny D, who's currently in London, England. Going to enjoy Max Flink on this coming weekend.

Sure, it's going to be a blast. There's a lot of positive vibes going on right now. Oh, absolutely. My uncle just died. No, we're not. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. That's great. But you wouldn't believe the contraption we had to rig up to get him to throw out that first pitch.

Yeah. He's in a coma. The hero human vegetable. Our thanks this week to Jennifer Marmer, who was on the boards, and, of course course Sonny D. Brian Fernandez producing the program from his new home

London, England at least for the next six or eight weeks. I can't remember how long it is. Whatever. It's going to be fine. Yeah.

You know, he'll be fine. Sure. Probably get a taste for warm beer. We're going to try and get together a new episode

for next week but if there's not a new episode it's because we had Max FunCon and we couldn't record over the weekend which is when we

have one planned. Don't we have one planned? But we're going to have to reschedule it as it turns out. Okay. So we'll see how that goes. And

shoot. Fuck. That's all I got guys. Go on that Reddit. Go on the forum. Yeah. And how about reviewing our show on iTunes? That'd be nice. It guys. Go on that Reddit. Go on the forum. Yeah. And how about reviewing our show on iTunes? That'd be nice.

It helps. If you want to call us, 206-984-4FUN. Email jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We hope to hear from you. Or say something on the forum. That's nice. You know what I want more of? Forum chatter?

Forum chatter and Twitter chatter. Yeah, that'd be nice. I have been a little disappointed with the volume of Twitter chatter lately. I like to check it to see what people have to say with the hashtag JJGo. And I feel like not enough people have been chatting about the show lately on Twitter. Yeah. It's a shame. It's fun to do.

If you have a favorite thing about the show, chat about it on Twitter. Sure. Hashtag it JJGo. Throw up a link to a favorite episode. So your other fans can find it and chat with you. Sure. Then guess what you got then, Jordan? A community.

I was going to say- Of millennials. A new friend. Oh, sure. A community of millennials is a perfect way to describe a group of new friends. Yeah, I don't want to be friends with somebody who's not a millennial. By the way, a group of millennials is called a murder. What's a group of flamingos called?

It's really funny. I really want to apologize for saying, making a joke about what a group of something is and then saying it's a murder. Yeah. It was a really good opportunity. A flamboyance of flamingos. Oh, really? A flamboyance, yeah.

I just feel like that joke is so tired. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think they just find new funny names of groups of things. Yeah. Murder is great. Yeah. Let's go with flamboyance for a while.

See how that, see if it takes. Yeah. And then once that gets fucked out, move on to the next one. Yeah. In the meantime... Fuck it out and move on.

That's what I say. Flamboyance, colon, get it. Yeah. We'll talk to you next week or maybe possibly in two weeks. We'll see. you next week or maybe possibly in two weeks. We'll see.

I'm Jordan Jessica. We'll see you next week. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.