Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 330: Bed Buster with Dave Holmes

Episode Date: June 23, 2014

Fan favorite Dave Holmes joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of educational tv shows, a cooking class Dave took, and Jesse's experience buying Simon a new bed.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, people have been upset with me about switching back and forth between America's radio sweetheart and voice of the millennial generation. They can't, they can can't dig into anything. They feel like they don't know whether you're coming or going. Well, they feel like they don't know who I really am.

Like I'm presenting them with a cipher. A variety of tabula rassas. Exactly. Tabula rassi. Yeah. Tabooli salad. Sure. I'm presenting them with a variety of tabouli salads.

And they're like, is this mint? Is this, I can't identify the herbs. Is this a mint salad? Is there a yam in here? Is that a sweet potato or a yam? What's the difference between a sweet potato and a yam? These are the questions people are asking. People are asking me so many questions about my nicknames and switching back and forth.

And honestly, this is a personal thing that I'm going through. I'm dealing with it. I feel like it's between me, my wife, and my clergyman. Sure. Well, I mean, I don't know if this is something you can land on. I mean, like a lot of the, you know, kind of larger than life pop figures, which I consider you one. you know, kind of larger than life pop figures, which of which I consider you one when they want to do something a little bit different, when they want to kind of go left of center, they have an alter ego. I think Beyonce had Sasha Fierce, Chris Gaines.

Yeah, sure. I mean, do you think that the voice of the millennial generation could be your, you know, persona for when you're feeling, you know, maybe a little bit more like a bad boy. Or a little bit more like listing the names of Pokemons that I read on the internet. That's what I mean by bad boy. Because the establishment will not stand for that. The classic Hark time. Sure. You've taken a few cinema classes in your time jordan

yeah you know you know about the anti-hero it's called the hero's journey he starts out in the shire he lists a bunch of pokemon and then the journey home at some point they they lash him yeah they lash him to the mast while listed Pokemons as red to him. Finally, Joseph Conrad. Anyway, it's all in there. Let's introduce our guest to the program. He is a beloved regular on this show. He's a beloved man.

I mean, this is the kind of guy who electrifies a crowd. He's a uniter, not a divider. He is the kind of guy who you would be lucky just to shake his hand, in my opinion. He's the host of MaximumFun.org's own International Waters, and most of the time, most of the television programs, Dave Holmes. Hello. Hi, Dave. Hi, how are you? That was lovely. You're lovely. You made me blush. Thank you. We love Dave Holmes around here. Hello. Hi, Dave. Hi, how are you? That was lovely.

You're lovely. You made me blush. Thank you. We love Dave Holmes around here. Oh, sure. Thanks, man. He's got a little color in his cheeks. Yeah.

Which is great. Which is great. You've got a lush beard right now. It's getting pretty lush. It's getting, it's starting to look like a religious obligation. Yeah, well, I kind of like that. I'm kind of into, I like a cave beard. Yeah.

I think that's – there's a – number one, I don't have a super full natural beard. No? So the one – That's a silicone beard you're wearing. Yes. It's a beard implant. Face-merkin'. Yes. It's a beard implant. Face merkin. I think a nice, one nice type of beard is like a very, I like a very careful but full beard. Uh-huh.

Not like a five o'clock shadowy type beard, but the kind of beard where it's definitely a beard, but it's also very short. Uh-huh. Okay. I'll buy that. That has appealed to me. I'm talking about for myself not just in the world right but i also do like the idea of a religious religiously obligated and or mandated by a lack of shaving products while living in a cave or in the wild for an extended period of time

sure style of beard yeah well that's what you that's what you almost have. Russian monk, I think, is the look. Yes, yes. Clan of the cave bear. You guys know what I'm talking about. I see what you're talking about. It's on your face. Anyway, I'm proud to speak to the millennial generation and for the millennial generation, no matter what nickname I say at the beginning of the program.

And I want all the millennials out there who believe in me and trust me to know that I'm there for them absolutely no matter what. Even if you change your nickname? Yeah. I mean, I could – who knows? In the next segment, my nickname could be Number One Dad. And I want people to know that I will still speak for millennials. Yeah.

I'll talk about the challenges. I'll talk about the challenges they face in the workplace with baby boomers suffering in the economic downturn and refusing to retire, thus not opening up jobs on the bottom end of the work food chain. And I'll talk about Pokemons. Well, what if, I mean, here's the question. I mean, you say you're there for the millennial generation, but what if they want Pokemon Gray Emerald

and you decide you want to get Pokemon Blue Ivory? I'm a peacemaker, Jordan. I'm going to change the subject to the television program Square One and specifically the recurring segment MathNet. Okay. And we're going to sort it out. Okay. I am far too old to be

having this conversation i am aware of pokemon yeah yeah i played that video game once late at night once more than i have that's kind of sexy dave late night pokemon and i and i i know did your curiosity get the better of you did you catch. Did you catch them all? I did. I did. In Square One Television, that was a PBS. This was an educational program about math and possibly also science, but mostly math. And it had a segment embedded in it called MathNet that was a parody of Dragnet. Oh, sure.

Which all 10-year-olds in 1990 knew about. Oh, absolutely. They were all deeply familiar with that subject of parody. And, yeah, they would solve crimes, Dragnet style, using math. Oh, I see. Even murders? Mostly, like, really grisly. It was a special victim unit.

Yeah. Like sex crimes and murders. Sexual murders. Sure. Thrill killers. So it was like your 321 Contact. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It ran in parallel with 321 Contact.

Okay. Was the Bloodhound Gang still a part of 321 Contact? Wait, the Bloodhound Gang were on 321 Contact? Not the band. Not the band. They took their name from a segment on the original 321 Contact. Oh. That was kind of their math net.

It was at the end of every show, there was like a multicultural bunch of kids, and they would solve crimes with their science knowledge. I guess that's true, isn't it? We're the Bloodhound Gang. Yeah. I can't sing that song, but I can sing, Contact is the answer. We're a modern Stone Age family.

Everything happens. From the town of numbers. They're a mathematical family. I recently came upon the B-52's version of the Flintstones theme song, which they did as the big soundtrack number from the Flintstones movie that came out. Yeah, sure. Because I've been writing these chart things for Vulture. Was it the B-52's featuring Rosie O'Donnell?

She was, of course, in the video. And they were the B-C-52's. Get it? Because it was before Christ. Dave, I... No, I will just tell you that it's exactly like what you're thinking, that a B-52's version of the fucking Flintstones theme song would sound like. It is a fucking nightmare.

Did the ladies have bones going through their beehives? Did they? Yeah. And how? I'd like to put a bone through that beehive, you know what I mean? Which? I don't know. Oh, I'd like to have sex with the hairstyle of one of those two women. Oh, you just want to put...

Fred Schneider. Fred Schneider. Okay, that's fair. Fred Schneider had a beehive for a while in the B-52s. A lot of people don't know that. Yep. Yep. True story.

You're having sex with my hair, dude. I have to ask a neighborhood question. It has nothing to do with millennials. You know, somebody will post up... I don't know if this happens in your neighborhood because both of you guys live in moderately tonier neighborhoods than I do. I don't know if that's true. And certainly demographically different neighborhoods than I do. But in my neighborhood, you'll get things advertised for sale on flyers that aren't like a guitar. It's like a thing.

And recently, many, many power poles in my neighborhood have been covered with flyers advertising a local phone number that you can call to purchase Ensure. The supplement? Yeah, the nutritional drink. I think it's a nutritional drink for the elderly. Yeah, or for people who can't chew food, I guess. I think if maybe you're on a big World of Warcraft binge and you just need the base nutrients, you could pound some insurers and

sit there all night probably so you can get them at like wholesale prices maybe they're making it in their bathtub maybe this is like this is like moonshine hooch insurer well is it like i what i'm wondering is is it like is this one of those things like, you know how Tide laundry detergent has a really high, it's really expensive and has a high profit margin? Really? So it's like a thing that is very popular on the black market? I did not know that. Yeah, I also didn't know that about Tide.

You didn't know that about Tide? Tide specifically is like a luxury good. I got some of those pods from Target the other day. Yeah, me too. I'm using those pods. Love those pods. Pods work pretty good. Throw them in there.

Oh, yeah. You're good to go. Absolutely. You're not lugging some jug with you. No. I like to spike them real hard. Sure. With a machine, just see if I can burst them.

Like you just scored a laundry touchdown? Yeah. Do you do a touchdown dance? No, no, because I've never burst one yet. I think if I ever do, I'll be pretty stoked about it. Have you ever scored a touchdown? Have you ever scored a touchdown? Have I ever scored a touchdown? Yes, once.

Congratulations. In like fifth grade. We were playing flag football. And I was always last picked because I was very not good at sports. And something happened and somebody threw me a ball and I caught it and I ran into the end zone. And it was just like nobody knew what to do. It was just one of those moments where even the teacher was like like i don't you're just like apologize like sorry truly honestly i was just like you guys i don't know what happened i don't know what happened i feel like i messed up

your game guys yeah what i like to do with the pods i like to squeeze them over a nice spinach salad oh yeah that sounds nice nice and you get that it emphasizes that nice fresh clean yeah and you get like an hour of blindness which which is what I really like about it. That's nice. So Tide, okay, number one, yes, Tide is a luxury product in a lower- I can never tell when you're serious. Are you serious? I'm absolutely dead serious about this.

What about the pods? How much are the pods a luxury product? So there are a lot of problems with- Should I feel like a fucking big shot when I waltz into the laundromat with my pods? There's a lot of, I don't know about the pods. I mean, I guess specifically the pods may be too far out on the bleeding edge. Yeah, it could be. What about Target brand up and up dryer sheets?

No, absolutely not. I've got some of those. No way. Dryer sheets are a hustle anyway. Interesting. Oh, yeah? They take the wrinkles out. I feel like they take, I feel like my clothes are less wrinkly after I throw in a dryer sheet.

Yeah, that could be true. I'll pay that $3. Yeah. Anyway. That could be true. You know, I took – I'll pay that $3.99 for the placebo. Why not? Of the unwrinkled clothes. And it makes them smell nice and fresh. It does. I like the fresh smell.

I took a cooking class a few years ago, and during it, it was like me and every elderly person in Los Angeles. And like in the second to last class – What type of class? It was just like a really basic cooking class, like knife skills and sauces. Yeah, that kind of thing. And like in the second to last class, a crew from Fox News came in. They were like, if you want to stay for an extra hour, Fox News is going to do a thing on the hot new diet food, right? Okay.

And so. Fox News, the cable network or just like the local Fox 11? The cable network. And there was like an elderly, like sort of Will and Grace kind of couple, like a super effeminate guy and his like girlfriend who was married and had kids and whatever. And they took a class together. And so they came in and it was like this thing called neutral loaf. Dave, when you said Will and Grace, I automatically thought Dharma and Greg. Oh, wow.

So I was imagining a freeirited woman and an uptight man and i'm like in a suit i'm like the free-spirited woman has another husband yeah this sounds uh-uh this sounds scandalous i was thinking lucy and desi no well you're both wrong so i was thinking of a cute band leader and a woman who's always messing everything up yeah uh they did mess everything up all the time uh he like then like, wait a minute. I started thinking about Antony and Cleopatra. Oh, wow. No, so you're way off, you guys. No.

Will and Grace. Cleopatra and all her rich, quick schemes. It's okay. So Fox News is coming in. Cleopatra, my boss is coming over. Can you please make a casserole? Boing. But Antony, I want to be in the show.

She'd love to hog the spotlight. I'm doing a lot of voices this show yeah this is a big one it's a big show oh okay so Diet Fad so they come in to talk about Nutri Loaf it's the hot new Diet Fad Nutri Loaf and so they cut it up

and give us all little pieces and ask us our opinions and in the back of my mind I'm like I work in television this is not the new, I've never heard of this thing before this is not the new Diet Fad they're going to bait and give us all little pieces and ask us our opinions. And in the back of my mind, I'm like, I work in television. This is not the new – I've never heard of this thing before. This is not the new diet fad. They're going to bait and switch us a little bit. Like this is not the story about the new diet fad. So we like go around and we eat it and we're like, yeah, it's kind of gross because it was brown and just sort of nondescript and it was just a lump. The idea is it's one of these like practical pouch foods where you eat this and nothing else.

Everyone in Beverly Hills is doing it. It's neutral. No, they're not. Number one, I roll in Beverly Hills circles. Oh, sure. I'm near Beverly Hills circles. I would at least have heard of it. There was an internet by now.

You would have heard something, right? And the old gay guy has a bite and he's like, well, this is not it. This is not going to be the next it food. I can tell you that, right? So we're like, okay. So then the Fox News producer's like, well, this is not it. This is not going to be the next It Food. I can tell you that, right? So we're like, okay. So then the Fox News producer is like... Where was he from?

He was from a gay town. That was a really great regional gay accent. Yeah, that was... What, what, what? Yeah, from wherever, like... Like Texarkana. Charles Nelson Reilly. Wherever, like, you wear a scarf.

So then the producer is like, well, we were playing a little joke on you. This is not the new diet fad. What this is, is it's what prisoners in the California state prison system have to eat. And some of them are suing the state because they're saying that it's cruel and unusual punishment. It's not it's like not every prisoner, but like, certain prisoners, when they lose their privileges, they get thrown in the loaf hole. They get put in the loaf hole,

and they have to eat neutral loaf, which is like, it gives you everything that you need to survive, but it's just not delicious. This is a real thing. This is a real true thing. It's a real true thing,

and they were suing the state and whatever, and they were like, oh, now what do you think of it? And the gay dude was like, oh, well,

I'll tell you, it's never going to take off. It's the next, yet, food. And everyone kind of looked at each other like, should we tell him that this is much more fun? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Justin, what are you doing? I'm strapping a chicken to my arm.

Heard there's some plague out west, so I just wanted to get out ahead of it. Justin, if you'd ever listen to our medical history podcast, Sawbones, where we talk about everything from trepanation to bloodletting, you would know that that is a ridiculous idea and it will never work. Sawbones? I haven't caught it. Sawbones? Yes, it's every Friday on the Maximum Fun Network and we record it together. In a doctor or something? Yes! It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the bedbreaker.

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, and I'm Dave Holmes, carrier of the traditions. All of them? The ancient folk. Oh! So you can teach us the whale dance. Absolutely. Okay.

I'd like to learn that later. That was like a one-man version of that improv game where each person in the group says one word. So I said, tell a story. And then there's that one guy who's just like, boobs. He's the fun one. Farts. Who wants to go for drinks after practice. I don't. Carrier of the traditions of the ancient folk.

Traditions of the ancient folk. My name, by the way, not sexual. Wednesday afternoon, evening, early evening, sit down. I'm hanging out with my son in his room. We're playing airplane. Yeah. This is a game where we're riding on an airplane, not a game where we're flying like airplanes. Gotcha.

Who's winning? There's no winners in this game. Someone's always winning. No. Well, I am. I'm like twice his size, three times his size. Okay. Who's winning? There's no winners in this game. Someone's always winning. No. Well, I am. I'm like twice his size. Three times his size. Okay.

So own it. Five times his size, probably. You're destroying your son at airplane. Well, I mean, one swift kick to the nuts and he's pretty much done. Oh, sure. So my son, look, I said to him, which one do you want to be, a jet plane or a prop plane? You want to be a prop plane. He said, okay, a prop plane.

I already won. Yeah. Boom, because I'm a fucking jet plane now. Yeah, obviously. I'm a jet plane. He's a – you know what I mean? He's technologically inferior. Yeah. He might as well be a Wright Brothers plane at that point.

He'll learn. He'll learn. Anyway, so we're playing airplane. He's sitting on his bed. He insists that the bed – it used to be that the area below the bed was the airplane. But now the bed has become the airplane. Because, you know, it's got Cookie Monster's on there. A lot of your classic airplane passengers, Cookie Monster, Snuffy.

Sure. Is there drink service? Snuffy Smith? Yeah, Snuffy Smith. The, the drunken, weirdo, redneck, like, guy who lives in a holler on the,

on the comic strips? Am I the only person who knows Snuffy Smith? I think so, yeah. Really? I think so,

but we, we, it's okay. Snuffy Smith? We know about Square One and you know about Snuffy Smith. Oh,

darn. So, yeah, you know, you get Snuffy. Foxy Loxy is there. This is Fox. Sure.

They're all hanging out. Sure. By the way, my son Simon is obsessed with the story of Chicken Little. Mm-hmm. You know, Henny Penny? Yeah. Henny Penny, The Sky is Falling? Yeah.

He loves- It's a parable about patience. It's a- I don't- Number one, I'm pretty sure the moral of the story, Henny Penny, what happens in Henny Penny is Henny Penny, something falls on her head and she thinks the sky is falling. She goes to tell the king and she brings all of the other birds, but then she runs into Foxy Loxy and Foxy Loxy says, I know a shortcut, but the shortcut is just to go to his house and then get eaten. Yeah. And then they just say like, and no one ever saw the birdies again. But Foxy Loxy and his family had a fine dinner that night and no one ever told the king the sky was falling.

That's how it all wraps up. And that's not at all true. The moral of the story is don't be an idiot. Don't be so stupid that you think that something falling on your head is the sky is falling. Sometimes it's rain. The way Henny Penny and Chicken Little are different people.

They are. They're different characters. What's Chicken Little? Chicken Little is the person who thinks the sky is falling. Or the chicken who thinks the sky is falling. And Henny Penny is, I think, the first other creature

that Chicken Little runs into. And he's like, the sky is falling. And Henny Penny is like, oh, we need to. I don't know. No, Henny Penny is the first one. It's a folk tale. There's multiple retellings. Do you think that despite the.

I think my son is on the fox's side. Well, I mean, the fox is the clever one. Yeah. Or he just likes rhymes. Sure. I mean, maybe he likes. He prefers mammals to birds i mean i get it i like a mammal sure they give live birth we have a book about oviparous creatures he does

like it's called chickens aren't the only ones it's animals that lay eggs oh sure anyway that's how does he feel about that i recommend that book he's lukewarm on it he doesn't like it the way he likes henny Penny. Sure. God, I'll tell you what. Reading Henny Penny out loud is a real fucking chore. Henny Penny and Cocky Locky and Goosey Loosey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to do it. And you have to do it all over again, every page. Can you just say, will he call bullshit if you just say, and then Henny Penny and her friends. Oh, yeah. He will? Yeah. Let's hear about it. Hold on.

I want to make sure everybody's still there. So wait. So Chicken Little is the story of Henny Penny? It's called Henny Penny. The one that we have is called Henny Penny. Isn't Chicken Little some sort of regional fast food thing? What's a Chicken Little? It was KFC and Sliders back in the day.

You might have like a reimagining. Oh, yeah. That might be like a Penny Dreadful. Minus the deal of the Chicken Little story. Is this Tim Burton? Did Tim Burton write this? That might be Maleficent. Mine is written by some sort of – Also, it has more positive female role models in it.

Mine is written by a Middle European man. Okay. His name is like Vanislav Flosjov. Wow. What a joy for your child. He fucking loves it. Anyway, so he tells me to get on the airplane, but now the airplane is just the front of his bed. Yeah.

So I sit down on it and it breaks. Oh. Just broke in half. I just broke his bed in half. Just sat down on that fucker and broke it in half. Now he's sleeping outside. And I had to go. Like a real chicken little.

I had to go do something. So he had to spend the night on a mattress on the ground. Does he feel betrayed? Boy. He was not that worried about it. My wife was a little. She wasn't happy about it.

And so I'm like, well, we have to get a new bed, right? Like, what are we going to do? And so my wife's, my mother-in-law is just coming into town. So my wife goes and picks her up at the airport and the whole family, all four of them, my two kids, my wife and my mother-in-law all go to Ikea, a popular restaurant and furniture chain to buy a bed. They buy this bed. They bring it home. But I don't have time that night to put it together.

So he has to sleep on the floor again. So then yesterday morning. He's bad for his back. Yesterday morning. His performance is going to suffer when he goes to work at the mill. I got to put this bed together. Did your son work at a mill? I'm about three.

Jesse, did your son work at a mill? Yeah. Okay. Where does your son work at a mill? I'm about three. Jesse, does your son work at a mill? Yeah. Okay. Where does your son work? At a foundry. Yeah. And Dave works down at the glue factory. Shooting horses.

Shooting racehorses. Yeah. Yeah. It's good work. It's good, honest work. Yeah. I'm about three quarters of the way through putting this bed together. This is a new bed.

This is a big boy bed. Sure. Big promises embedded in this bed. Slips out of my hand. Sort of knock it over. The headboard comes crashing down. The headboard's up in the air. Perpendicular to the ground.

Comes crashing down. Hits the floor. Breaks in half. Stop it. Two beds one week. Two beds in three days. I mean, is I ikea are they just show so used to their shit being broken that you can just say this was broken when we got it home so i'm not i'm not that i'm advocating lying because i know that you know i called ikea i'm just saying could you do that i call ikea and i go through this long sequence of press this for

this and press oh the best part is uh there a, you know, the IKEA has the pictorial instruction guide. Yeah. This is for all languages. And it has this picture of this man and he's having a hard time and he's like, oh, you know, scratching his head or something, trying to fix the thing. And he's like, oh. But then he's like, aha. that's the next panel's like aha he knows what to do the third panel is he's on the phone and the phone is going to ikea there's no fucking phone number nowhere it just says call ikea but it doesn't tell you what the

phone number of ikea is so i go on the internet and i finally find the right phone number of ikea i call it i press a bunch of shitload of fucking numbers press bjorn for florn and it hangs up on me but i don't know that it's hung up on me because i'm on my i'm on my internet telephone so it doesn't go and it's just silence and i'm like it's weird that there's no and you like listening to you say because and you're already listening to scandinavian hold music yeah because that's your that's what you're into these days so an hour later and oh and it it does the same thing to me again the second time i call about 10 minutes into my hold yeah um third time i finally get through to somebody i have to wait like 20 minutes the third time so i'm an hour in and she just says, oh, she says, did you have it delivered?

And I'm like, no. And she says, well, it's at the store's discretion. And I'm like, oh, it sounds like a proposition. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And I had texted my wife. I had texted my wife. I broke it. Just I broke it. Yeah. I had texted my wife. I broke it. Just I broke it.

Yeah. Because I was so upset. She just assumed you meant your marriage vows. This thing fell. When this thing fell on the ground and broke in half, I was very lucky that I was the only person home. Because I literally just went, fuck! Yeah. Like that.

Yeah. What else can you do? i couldn't believe that what had just happened was real it was it was like yeah i mean it was as though your grandpa had a heart attack and he went into the hospital and they saved him from the brink of death with those paddles you know and he came back and you were like, I love you so much, grandpa. And two days later you, you got to leave and you were walking down the street to the car that you had parked down the street and somebody just went and stabbed him and then went, ha

ha, and ran away. Yeah. That's what I felt like. It's very, it's a very specific parallel you've drawn. So. Very specific. My wife got home and she had. What are you, what are you dropping on? And this is a little bit parallel you've drawn. Very specific. So my wife got home and she had- What are you dropping on?

This is a little bit of a rude question. What are you dropping on a kid's bed these days? Original bed. Can we bid? Can we bid? Oh, let's guess. Yeah, let's guess. Yeah, because I'm curious.

I'm curious. Okay, Dave, let's put on our college sweatshirts. Is this closest without going over? And are we talking about the first bed or the replacement bed? Replacement bed. Big boy bed. Big boy bed. BBB.

Yeah. Okay, because- the one that you broke and are we including all of the parts of the big boy bed or just the structure of it are we including the mattress and the slats as well oh yeah well you didn't did you break you didn't break the mattress or the slats you still got those no okay so this is yeah just the A bit on what you broke. Yeah. I want to say $425, Jesse. What are you guys putting on this? You guys got any juice in this game? Is that an expression? Yeah.

Well, what can we wager? Let me see if I have anything in my wallet. You got any cash money? I can tell you that I have nothing in my wallet. Yeah. You got to have something in your wallet, Dave. I have no cash in my wallet. I have $12. Got a frequent visitor's card from Cuisinart?

No. No, I don't. But I do have, ooh, let's see. I have some, what do we got, Dave? I have a guest voucher for CineFamily. See, that's pretty good. That's solid. And I have a voucher for a poster.

I feel like a guest voucher for the local independent movie house. We have several guest vouchers, actually. So you can put one of them in. I'll put one of them in, yeah. What do you got up against Dave's guest voucher, Jordan? One guest voucher. Let's see. My medical marijuana card.

Do we need that? Got that, too. Anybody can get one of those, Jordan. That's true. No, Dave doesn't have headaches. They give those to babies. Yeah, Dave's never had a headache in his life. I have anxiety.

Okay. Yeah, you can get one then. Yeah. Library card. Obamacare. What if you bet your library card? Oh, yeah. No, then Dave could just go.

A whole bunch of books in your name. And never, ever return it. Yeah, some DVDs. Even better, what if he just took your library card and used it normally? And returned everything on time. The rest of my life. You don't get five bucks? I have a MetroCard that might have cash on it.

I have $12. You have $12? That's more than that. What do you have that's less than $12? I have two. That's not enough. You only have a 10 and two? I have a12. You have $12? That's more than that. What do you have that's less than $12? I have $2. That's not enough. You only have a $10 and $2? I have a $10 and $2.

I'd say a $10. I would say that it's a seed of the Sinner family. I always have money in my wallet to remind me where to keep my hands when I'm driving. Okay. How about $12 against two Sinner family cards? Two Sinner family cards. Okay. Two Sinner family cards. You, two Sinner family cards.

You got 12. Okay. Okay. Put it in the middle. Okay. Now, we have 425 from Dave. Closest without going over. If you 426 me, I'm going to fucking kill you.

No, I'm not going to 426. Come on, Dave. I know that this is a lot right about this. It's a lot right. Yeah. yeah um it's a lot like right yeah um big boy bed sure um i'm gonna say 510 does that mean that i get to keep both of them because it's under both of those oh well no if you then then you say you've all overbid you've all overbid so we start again okay you've gentlemen you've overbid. You've all overbid. So we start again. Okay. Gentlemen, you've overbid. Let's try again.

I hope everyone at home is making your bids. I'm going to have Jordan go first this time. Oh. $350. $350. Big boy bed. Big boy bed. $295. Gentlemen? big boy bed big boy bed uh uh 295 gentlemen the winner is you've both overbid you have to go again what that was a faint that was what they call a faint wow did you steal this it's ikea

come on uh okay can i tell you what i what I paid for the first bed that I broke? No, that'll give it away too much. Yeah, no. And we don't know where you got it. Tell us later. Yeah. I got it at Ikea. Okay.

All of my disposable furniture comes from Ikea. Okay. I'm going to start again. $189. Okay. $200. Uh, 189. Okay. 200. No, that's too close. You know what?

I maybe think you've overbid, Dave. I'm going to say 150. Ooh. Jordan wins. Wow. What was it? 179. Oh, wow.

God, I was so close. Dave? Yep. I'm going to take one of your passes. No, take both of them. I have a bunch. Keep the other pass. Let's go to a movie sometime.

Okay, great. Yeah, now we're talking. Let's go to a movie. I'd love to. So my wife gets home. Yeah. And. Totally forgot there was a story.

She's had. She's had. Wait, how much did the first bed cost the first bed costs like 80 why do people complain about how expensive is to have kids sounds like all their shit's real cheap number one having kids go get us some kids having kids is not very expensive except for child care which is incredibly expensive right and then especially babies babies don't need Like, people pretend like they need to buy all this expensive stuff for babies. Not true at all. You can totally buy all of baby's clothes at the thrift store, and that's pretty much all the equipment you need.

Wow. Okay. So, that having been said. Boy, if you don't... They eat juice out of the mommy's boobs. But, I mean, you do want people to know by looking at your baby what band you like, right? That's true. Yeah? That's true. Yeah.

That's true. So then the clothes get a little more expensive. But you're going to get those from the mother's sister's husband at the baby shower. You don't have to worry about that. So my wife gets home, and I've just gotten off the phone with Ikea. And I tell her, geez, I don't know what I'm going to do. I have a doctor's appointment. I've got to go to the doctor's appointment.

And she goes, do about what? And I'm like, did you get my text message? And she's like, no. And I'm like, oh, I broke the bed. And my wife is a kind and reasonable woman, and I want to make that clear. My wife is a kind and reasonable woman. And I want to make that clear. My wife is a woman with a... So this stabbing that you're about to tell about is an isolated incident. She stabbed my grandfather.

On the way to the car. Wow. She... I could just see her feelings behind her eyes breaking down and turning into like... Crystals. No, I was going to say like burning steel. Yeah. Like, you know, in a factory where they're pouring it and glowing red.

And if you touch your finger to it, your whole body lights on fire. Like at the foundry where my son works. Yes. I've visited my son at his job, Jesse. I know what molten steel looks like. That my son's name molten steel and i realize immediately i realize immediately that number one i'm gonna have to fix this whole thing before dark like there's no way that that the sun can set on this bed not being fixed. Because you're afraid your sun will be taken by wolves. The other thing is I got to go to a 6.30 movie screening for work.

So I have, and this is like, at this point it's like 1.30 and I have a two o'clock doctor's appointment. So I have the hours between roughly three and six, not counting my drive home from my doctor's appointment to make this whole thing work. I load this headboard. I unconnect the headboard from the rest of the bed. You're going to Burbank for this, right? Is that the place? Is it Ikea?

Oh, God. Shit, yeah. Go up to Ikea. Take it up to the counter. And the whole time I'm there, I'm thinking, what am I going to say when I get up to the counter? Because on the one hand, I know that if I say it was broken in the box, I can get one back. Yeah. But I don't want to lie to them.

Right. Because I totally broke it. Because your son will be literally sleeping on a bed of lies. Exactly. Exactly. And that will cause him to turn to a warlock. Yep. If I know anything about science. I take a number, and I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking about, what am I going to turn to a warlock. Yep. If I know anything about science.

I take a number, and I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking about, what am I going to say to these people? Right. They call my number. I walk up to this woman, and I say, while I was making the bed, I broke this. And she looks down at it. She looks at me. She looks down at it. She looks at me.

We can't replace the bed. Here's 90 packs of batteries. She looks down at it. She looks at me. We can't replace the bed. Here's 90 packs of batteries. Here's some Swedish meatballs. Your son can sleep on these. She picks up the phone and she says, I need item 310294266421. She says, take a seat. We'll have it for you in about 15 minutes. Great.

Fucking brought it home. Well, first I brought some Swedish delicacies for my wife. Absolutely. Sure. Some peace offerings. Picture up a little something. Peace balls. Peace balls.

Well, you know, I travel everywhere with my peace balls. So I got some delicacies for my wife. Got home. They were out. No, they were in the backyard. They were out. Oh, no. They were in the backyard. They're in the backyard. I came in the front door.

Fucking went in. Spent half an hour knocking this thing out. Dripping with sweat. I come downstairs, down the back stairs, go out into the backyard. My son, my mother-in-law, my baby are out there. And I say to Simon, my son, hey, Simon, who wants a big boy bed? And he says, I do. And he runs upstairs and there's his fucking big boy bed, red to go.

Congratulations. You did it. That's awesome. I became the king of fathers. That's amazing. What kind of bed are we talking about here? We're talking about a green bed. Nice.

A green wooden bed. I'd say, you know... For a child. It's about the best bed you could buy for $179 new, which is to say not much of a bed. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. But, you know, it's extendable. Sure.

I put it on the middle setting. Okay. What does that mean? He's not a baby anymore. You can stretch it out? Yeah, you can stretch it out. But then you need a new mattress and a box spring. Oh, not if you have slats, number one, which I do.

And number two, if you have this mattress that has inserts. And so each time you extend it, you put in an additional insert and it stretches out further. Oh, wow. I wish I had slats. All I've got are sluts. What? Boing. Gross.

Yeah, that's disgusting. Sorry. Anyway. Well, congratulations. That's how I turned breaking two beds in three days into credit as a good dad. And a solid relationship with IKEA. What would be your advice? Yeah, and politeness to IKEA people. What would be your advice? Yeah, and politeness to Ikea people.

What would be my advice? Yeah, to... Avoid Ikea. Okay. It's the worst. It is. Like, if you... You cannot spend less than 90 minutes there.

The problem is that I don't know how to buy furniture because I only know how to buy secondhand furniture because my mother is a furniture dealer. So I have all of the furniture in my house I've either bought at the flea market at an estate sale or from my mother or my mother has given it to me. And so but baby furniture is very difficult to buy secondhand because all old baby furniture is dangerous. Yeah. So a store or an estate, they won't sell you the baby furniture because a baby could stick its head in it and die and then get sued and they'd go out of business or whatever. So buying and then actual baby furniture that doesn't come from Ikea, shit's fucking crazy expensive.

And it's not that nice or anything. It's still fucking press board. know what i mean yeah so i'm just i'm just happy that are these things made of wood even if i know that if i drop it from a height of four feet it's going to break in half so yeah that's my advice avoid ikea but i do have to say this jordan good customer service if you're in trouble with with wife, bringing home a container of chocolate spread is going to help. Do they sell a chocolate spread there? They got a chocolate spread. I think it's like a Nutella, like a Swedish version of a Nutella.

Is it hazelnutty? I don't know if it's hazelnutty. I haven't tasted it. I can't eat chocolate. See, that's one of the nice things. I get extra credit for bringing home chocolate because I can't eat it. Why can't you eat it? Just as a dog.

Because it's a migraine trigger. Oh, really? He'll die. Immediate death. It's a migraine trigger, really? Yeah. Oh, that's a shame. You don't have to tell me.

I'm the one that can't eat chocolate. Missing out on those birthday cake M&Ms. Plus it goes right to my head. Oh, yeah. Pretty good. What's inside the M&M? Oh, chemicals. Just weird chemicals.

Does it taste, is the whole thing birthday cake or is it chocolate and then birthday cake in the center? It's like a chocolatey birthday cake. I think it's, what it's trying to imitate is the, I think it's Pillsbury that makes the Funfetti cake. Yeah. It's like that's what it's trying to imitate. That's exactly what it tastes like.

That is, God, that has, that's up there for like best processed thing. That Funfetti cake. Yeah. It's like that's what it's trying to imitate. Exactly what it tastes like. That is, God, that has, that's up there for like best processed thing. That funfetti cake. Frosting? No question. Is it like frosting? Yeah, it just, yeah, it just tastes like shitty cheap cake. Yeah. But like delicious shitty cheap cake.

Yeah. Shitty cheap cake is zero for me. And this is not about being biased against processed foods. Right. I'm a little bit, but I fuck with Cheez-Its. You know what I mean? Yeah. But cake, shitty cake is gross to me.

Yeah. Even great cake is only fine with me. Really? I even have a hard time with fancy cakes. That Funfetti is great. It's the exception for me. Yeah. Like your cake mix cakes usually are kind of crummy.

I feel like they're just empty sweet. That fucking Funfetti, there's a moistness. They have an internal moistness. What's the Funfetti part? It's got little sprinkles in it. It looks like... You can put sprinkles on top of it, but it's also got sprinkles within. Yeah, so it's like a white cake with a colored sprinkle. Fuck, I want to make one. How do the sprinkles within. Yeah. So it's like a white cake. Chocolate chips in many colors. It's a white cake with a colored sprinkle.

Fuck, I want to make one. How do the sprinkles not sink? It's just color, like food coloring dots. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a chocolate chip cake. Yeah. God damn it, it's good.

They're very good. You know what's also really good and I haven't had in decades is the Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. That smell. Oh, yeah. I did buy some cinnamon rolls as well at the Ikea. Yeah?

Yeah, but I was like, hey, I'm doing it to it. I'm getting one of each. I was like, I have 10 minutes. I'm here. I bought an ice cream cone. Sure. By the way, Ikea will not give you water. If you just want some water, you have to buy a bottle of water you can't

their their their machine does not give them water i'm like don't you have a tap or something like can i just have a glass of water nope no dice so i just get out of the toilet no bubbler no drinking fountain no dice no dice on all accounts so i just had some dry ice cream a little gummy got a little gummy in my mouth. Yeah, that's fucked. But, you know, whatever. That's fucked. You know what?

Fuck you, IKEA, in replacing that piece of that $200 thing that I would have had to... You know what? That was a good thing. It was a nice thing. It was nice. You're a nice person with a nice beard. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Dave Holmes, collector of recipes. Really? Yeah. What's one of your favorite, Dave? I just last night did the miso black cod that Nobu Matsuhisa makes at his restaurant. Oh.

I used his recipe. Delicious. Fucking delicious. You got a side with that? What did we do? We did asparagus. Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

What's his name? Nobu Matsuhisa. Hisa. Nobu. Okay, because I'm going to tell you why I'm asking you that. I feel like I've lived in Los Angeles a long time. Yep. And I never, I don't think it was that guy.

I don't think it was that guy. I never see celebrities, but I did, I was at the Long Beach Flea Market. Yeah. the long beach flea market yeah and there was a uh there was a guy driving a really fancy you know like maybe one of those uh uh military looking mercedes-benz suvs yeah um and it had a license plate that said no boo uh-huh and i thought oh hey it looks like a Japanese-American guy. I wonder if that's the Nobu guy. Yeah. The titular Nobu.

And? No dice. I just looked him up. I didn't know what his last name was, and I didn't look him up before. Yeah. But now I know that it's not him. It's not him. So thanks a million, fucking Dave, if that's even your name. I don't know what I had to do with that.

You ruined my dream. My dream was that I finally saw a celebrity in Los Angeles. But you didn't, and it's not my fault. You know what? I take it all back. I have seen a celebrity in Los Angeles. I saw Dave Holmes. Oh, cut it out.

Okay, here we go. Cut the shit. Sponsors on this week's program. Fuck. Sponsors on this week's program. Number one, DVD on TV starring Dave Holmes. What? That show does not exist anymore.

Dave Holmes of television. Television's Dave Holmes. Yep. Okay. What? Stop it. First of all, our friends at Earwolf. You probably know all about Earwolf's amazing programs.

Topics. Topics is a great podcast. Topics, for example, with our friends Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter. Oh, fun. I like those guys. Who doesn't? Right? Who doesn't like those guys?

Everybody likes those guys. They're the best. I love those guys. Showalter's got a new movie coming out. I just met Schmidt from New Girl. Ooh. Who, by the way, his name is Max in real life. Yep.

He is as charming as his television character Schmidt is in real life, which is extremely charming. In my opinion, the best thing about that television program. And you just want to be his friend the second you see you lay eyes on him. Yeah. Handsome fella. Anyway, he's going to be in Michael Showalter's new movie, which stars Sally Field. Oh. Which sounds great to me.

Anyway. It's three winners. Lots of great Earwolf programs. But did you know that Earwolf.com has all kinds of cool features on it as well? They've got a cool blog. They've got all kinds of stuff. So our thanks to our friends at Earwolf and Earwolf.com. Head over there and check it out.

So Earwolf is sponsoring this podcast. Yeah, we did a little promo swap with him. Oh, I didn't know that. We're friends at Earwolf. I like that. We're friends with Earwolf. I like that. We like those guys.

It's fun. It's like you're in a fun little softball league together. Yeah. I would love to be in a softball league with Earwolf. Let's get that. Let's make that happen. It's going to be us. It's just going to be us.

We have a team. Earwolf has a team. Nerdist has a team. I don't know. a team. Earwolf has a team. Nerdist has a team. I don't know. I guess Radiotopia has a team. Sure. Feral Audio. Feral Audio could have a team.

That's true. Sideshow. You know who's not allowed to have a team? Who? Fucking Joe Rogan. Oh, yeah. They're not allowed to have a team. Yeah.

I feel like they just beat us up. All ringers. All ringers. Anyway, we got something up on the Jumbotron, Jordan, called Pack the Pack. They're not allowed to have a team. I feel like they just beat us up. Anyway, we got something up on the Jumbotron, Jordan, called Pack the Pack. It's a frantic tile-laying, gem-matching tabletop game for three to six players of all ages. Race your fellow greedy bastard heroes to shovel as much treasure as possible into your bag after a hard day of fantasy-themed violence. It mixes Tetris, Super Puzzle Fighter, and Bananagrams, plus the inventory screen

from Diablo, and you're pretty close to our game. Lauded by judges in the Cards Against Humanity tabletop deathmatch, Pack the Pack Games is now, excuse me, Pack the Pack from Games by Playdate is kick-starting now. You go to packthepack.com if that sounds

fun. It does sound fun. And it's the very, very last day for boatparty.biz. You have until Wednesday to register, and we will give you $50 off if you use the code lastminute. So boatparty.biz. I mean, Greg Barrett, Morgan Murphy, W. Kamau Bell, Chris Fairbanks, Kyle Kinane, Karen Kilgariff, Guy Branham, Tony Kameen, Matt Bronger, and just added Mr. Todd Barry, plus John Roderick, Jean Gray, Auntie Ballas, and Lake. Go to boatparty.biz. You have only until the two days after this program is released. But if you use the code LASTMINUTE, 50 bucks off.

We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective i'm dave holmes fun guy to hang out you are a fun guy that you are a fun guy to hang out dave thanks a fun guy to hang out, Dave. Thanks. It's true. That's what you just said. It came out of your mouth. You're sitting right here, aren't you?

Yep. We invited you in here. Yep. It's fun. We're all having fun. You're hosting International Waters, knocking it out of the ballpark week after week. So much fun.

I love it. Do you have a favorite recent International Waters experience or guest or episode? I love them all equally they're like my children uh but this last one with chris fairbanks was just he's he is a creature of pure light and joy yeah he is and everybody probably got a little cranky about something no you maybe yeah yeah yeah that's what the end yeah you got a little cranky oh it's terrific do you get a little flustered over something yeah do he say the wrong word sometimes?

Oh, the best. Yeah. He is just delightful. So handsome. If anybody out there hasn't checked out International Waters, Dave is the host. This is what International Waters is. International Waters is a pop culture quiz show. You can play along with it at home if you like popular culture.

But it is played by two comedians here in los angeles right two comedians hot ass studio in london england and it covers topics both uh both i was going to say continental but that's uh that's east of both european and american word um but they're things that any european or any American will be able to latch on to, I think. Yeah. We don't. Yeah. Keep it broad.

And also, it's mostly about being funny. Yeah. It's a gas. It's just an absolute joy. So much fun. I have a blast. I listen to it twice a month. Two times a month.

First and the 15th. Yep. Just like your welfare checks, folks. First and the 15th. First and the month. And the 15th yep just like your welfare checks folks first and the 15th first of the month end of the 15th so if you're leeching off the federal government it's a good way to remind you to listen to international waters every time uncle sam takes out his teat for you to suckle at download a new episode of international waters on your iphone and every time something momentous happens to you we ask you to call us 206-984-4FUN 206-984-4FUN put it in your phone dumbbell 206-984-4FUN for momentous occasions

let's have the first occasion shared with us now hey jordan j, Jesse, Joe. My name is John. I'm a listener from Toledo, Ohio. And I have a momentous occasion because I was just driving down the interstate and trying to get to work for my third shift crappy job. And my brakes went out. So I got to coast an extra about 15, 20 miles down the interstate with a cop following behind me. And kind enough to help me drop my car off and get a tow truck out at an auto shop. So hopefully they'll repair that in the morning and then take me to work.

So, yes. Thank you. Have a great day great keep it up love the show thanks I'm so glad that guy's alive this dude just drove 20 miles

with no brakes god well how far from his third shift job is he yeah right like how far

up a hill from his third shift job is he he coasted for 20 miles how wait that seems irresponsible how did the cop was the cop trying to pull him over yeah was did the how did the cop know what was going on i have a lot of

yeah i have a lot of questions too this is a yeah it was live guy call back and i'll come back next week yeah i'll be the guest again next week oh this is this is amazing story totally amazing have you guys ever had a car stop working while you were driving uh i have a prius and so it does occasionally do that lurch kind of a thing the prius lurch yeah you're you're familiar i'm not i just uh it's an actual thing and it used to be a much bigger deal but there's there's something with the the computer system that like um and i i don't know what it is. I'm already out of my depth talking about it. But when you are braking over uneven terrain, it has a tendency to lurch forward.

And so I've had that happen. And it's very – like it doesn't go far. It's just sort of just like a quick little lurch. But it's enough to make you think about your death. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And you're hitting the brake. Or the Addams Family.

You're hitting the brake and the car is going. Right. Just for a second. But yeah, that's fucked up and I don't like it. And it ran out of gas also once in the middle of Texas at one in the morning in January. Well, how did that happen? I wanted to go further than I should have gone. I was driving from St. Louis to Los Angeles with my dog and my old Saab convertible. And like, and it went like, I had one of these things where I was like,

I knew that I was getting near empty, but I had like, the thing said you have 50 miles left or something like that. And I was like, oh, just, and I was crossing from Arkansas into Texas. And I was like, all right, I'll just stop in Texas. Like the trip computer? Yeah, the trip computer thing. Uh, well just the the whatever. Until empty, you have 50 miles. And so I crossed into Texas and I was like, I want to get into Texas and then I'll find a gas station or whatever. Every gas station was closed.

And I kept going and I kept going. I had a similar thing. I had a similar thing and I was talking about this on the show a couple weeks ago. I went to Texas for a wedding and got into town late and just assumed hotels would be open. Yeah. They are not.

No. Yeah. Things just closed down. Things close. Yeah. Yeah. Things that should not ever close. Yeah. Close.

Uh, yeah. So, and then it went from like, it went from, I had 20 miles left. You can only take a dump in Texas from 6am to 5pm. Hold it in. Toilets closed. Clench them up. Yep. Uh, yeah, it immediately went to zero and then it started to jump

to kind of like, it started to lurch and let me know that it was out of gas and I pulled off the road into a place where it said that there was a gas station. Gas station was there. Gas station was closed. And luckily I had AAA and so I, and like I had there was cell service, thank God.

And I went and I was in the middle of nowhere. Like, if a serial killer came, I would have been... Sure. Dave, this is something that won't make sense to our at-home audience, because they couldn't see you. But as you were saying, luckily, I had AAA. Uh-huh. And luckily, there was cell service.

You were making a gesture that indicated, luckily, there was cell service, which I would say was like two fingers extended and a circle in the air, like you were ordering two more drinks. Yep. Well, I am. And I just assumed that what you were trying to say was not that there was cell service, but that AAA sent a helicopter. AAA sent a helicopter and took me and my dog to safety. The waitress here is a little rude, isn't she?

Yeah, she really, like she's slow. She's only come a few times since we've been recording, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's slow. She's only come a few times since we've been recording, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird. You know what it is? I think she came over at first, said, are you ready to order? We said, we'll need a few more minutes, and now I think she's punishing us. She's a little bit annoyed.

She wants to turn this one over. Sure. Well, it's almost dinner time. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. I had a car that would stop working sometimes for a while. And my wife told me that I wasn't allowed to have a car that would stop working sometimes for a while. And my wife told me that I wasn't allowed to have a car that would stop working sometimes.

Because one day I was, we were driving and it was like, we were just about to get on the Golden Gate Bridge. We were literally, it was the very last thing before the Golden Gate Bridge. And just the car just stopped working. And I had to pull off with and it was it also didn't have power steering didn't have power brakes anything so I had to like muscle it off the road with with no power steering and no nothing and it was a 65 dart and I had to pull it yeah pull it into this parking lot with no anything.

And it was terrifying. When I was living in Washington, D.C., I was house-sitting and they had told me that I could use their car. It was an old Acura Integra. And I was just driving down the freeway on the Beltway around Washington, D.C., just stopped working, had to pull off the road, pulled off in what I thought was just like a regular exit. No, it was like a parkway, the kind that goes through a park. So we're in the dark.

There's no lights on the side of the road. And we just call my aunt and uncle and say, we're like, this car that's not ours broke down. And they're like, okay, where are you? And we're like, we don't know. And they're like, do you remember seeing anything? And we're like, well, we were on the Beltway before and now it's dark out. And they're like, and somehow my aunt and uncle saved us. They figured it out.

Like through context clues, they're like, describe your surroundings. And they figured out which fucking exit we had driven off on. Wow. It was amazing. Impressive. Never for you, Jordan? It's happened a couple times. I pulled off the road.

Not much of a story. Okay. I was fine. I think I dealt with it. I think driving school prepped me for it. Really? I feel good about it. They taught you what to do in driving school?

Yeah, you just pull off. Keep it cool. Don't brake too fast. Just chill. Put your hazards on. Yeah, we got to put your hazards on. Obviously. Yeah.

You guys put your hazards on if there's cars at an unexpected stop in front of you? No. I don't think so, but I can see why that would be a good idea. Yeah. So people take notice. Interesting. Let's take another call. Yeah. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Goh.

This is very surreal. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion that happened while I was listening to your podcast, Walking Too Much. And I hear some music coming my way down the sidewalk and I look up, it's a very busy sidewalk, blasting music like Latino beat music. And what makes this momentous is that he was holding a tiny poodle in his arms while writing a segue, like weaving back and forth on a segue like he was dancing through the music on the fucking segue coming down the sidewalk blasting music while I was listening to you guys on my lunch break.

Love the show. Keep it up. I think you blow off work for the rest of the day. Follow that dude. For sure. Wherever he's going, it's probably great. That's where the fucking party's at, right? Yeah, right?

I think he's gunning for that spot of the guy in Venice who's always on roller skates with an electric guitar. Oh, yeah. When that guy dies, muscular ACDC Segway guy is going to move in and start being the local character. Yeah, he's working in a smaller market right now. He's working to kink out of the act. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like when you're in radio, you start in Sheboygan. Sure.

Then you move up to your Chicago's, your Los Angeles's, your New York, I guess. A man cow doesn't just start immediately in Chicago. No, he has to try his racism and homophobia in various markets around this great nation. So yeah, wherever this guy was, probably doesn't have a lot of competition for local weirdos. But yeah, I think they're all just waiting for that

rollerblade guitar guy to kick off. Do you think eventually... There's going to be so many sub-times. Everybody's got a motive. It's going to be like Game of Thrones for grimy street performers. There will be a power vacuum. Everybody thinks they're entitled to the role of Venice Beach iconic weirdo. Do you think eventually the guy that our caller saw is going to have the dog perched on his shoulder like a parrot?

I should hope so. Yeah, I should hope so. I definitely love it when the local weirdos have the animals perched. Or possibly in a beach blanket Babylon-style giant hat. That'd be great. Do you ever see a person with the mouse on top of the cat on top of the dog? Oh, that guy's in Santa Barbara, right? Are there other of that guy?

I've seen one in Austin. Okay. Makes sense. I don't know that I've ever seen one in Santa Barbara. Yeah. But I saw it and it was like, oh, here are three medicated animals. Yeah. That are like stapled to each other.

Sure. And have a miserable life. Yeah. If you get close enough, the cat has learned to say, kill me. Yeah. These are real animals? Yeah. Cat on top of a mouse on top of a dog?

Mouse on top of a cat on top of a dog. Mouse on top of a cat on top of a dog. The other way would be better. It would be much more impressive. Have you thought about telling him to try the other way? No, I fucking ran in the other direction because this is a monster who medicates animals. So they're doped out? I think so. They have to be, right?

Yeah. They're going against every instinct. That guy's got an island of Dr. Moreau in his shack or wherever it is that he lives. He's got a person in a wagon. Just creating stacks of animals? Sure. Each more ferocious than the last. I mean, he takes the cute ones out to panhandle, but the bad on the shark, he's got that in his shack.

Going to unleash that shit. Ready to go. Okay, let's take another call. Hey, guys. I just wanted to let you know I got up this morning, jerked into some really sweet Internet porn, then I got a blowjob in the afternoon and had full-on vaginal intercourse at night. Now, I know for Jordan that would be nothing because he gets double that action every day. But, Jesse, come on. You and I are dads. That's a momentous occasion, right? That's a hat trick.

All right. Thanks, guys. Take care. Bye. Somewhere out there, there's one proud wife. Or a proud prostitute. I just called to say I love you. I like that to him, it seemed like it, that jerking it to the porn was as impressive. It was on par. He's like, yeah, I jerked it to the porn. Guess what I did. It was on par. It was like, yeah, I jerked it to the porn. Guess what I did. And it was sweet.

It was awesome. Well, congratulations. It was one of those where the stepmom catches the boyfriend and his girlfriend and decides to join in. Yeah, it was pretty good. Congratulations on ejaculating three times. Yeah, and having so much semen. That's great. So much semen. That's Yeah, and having so much semen. That's great.

So much semen. That's amazing. Speaking of so much semen. Please. I grabbed that. Start a story now. This book from the library shelf in there, which I've been told that you can grab books, right? There's some shelves that you can grab books from, definitely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's Michael? I don't know who Michael Hastings is. He was a journalist for Newsweek and Rolling Stone. He was the guy who died on Highland, like driving late at night and his car hit a tree and exploded and whatever. It's all a little bit suspicious and weird. Anyway, he wrote this book and his widow found it on his computer and they published it and whatever. Dave, I'm horrified because the story started with speaking of semen.

Well, yeah, I'm getting there. Okay. Thank you. And it's a book about the run-up to the Iraq War and how every journalist was sort of, didn't want to appear liberal and so they everybody was falling all over themselves trying to be more and more supportive

for the war and whatever. And it was all about how we all kind of got duped and whatever. And it's great. And I recommended it to my dad and then I turned the page and one of the main characters goes to Thailand and it's just 30 pages of so much semen. So much semen. So much semen.

Like, I was like, dial back the semen. Yeah. This is entirely too much. It's probably hard to come up with so many different descriptors for semen. Yeah. You can't tell a dead man not to jizz. It's true. It's true.

It's a classic saying. Yeah. You know the wisdom of the ancient ones. Yeah to jizz. It's true. It's true. It's a classic saying. Yeah. You know the wisdom of the ancient ones. Yeah, I do. I carry it. If something momentous happens to you, call us. 206-984-4FUN. We'll share it with the world.

I don't know. Something about that dad. Something about that dad fucking didn't sit right with me. Yeah. He wanted me. What's the issue? Yeah. I. He wanted me in on it. You know what I mean? He wanted a moment with me.

Look, I do plenty of fucking. This isn't a problem for me. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I have sex. Always have, always will. He also indicates that you're getting twice that much action. Sure.

So implicitly he's telling all... Seems like a slam. What are you doing? Six a days? What is this? College football? Yeah. So he's saying that Jordan masturbates twice a day.

Yeah. Is what he's sort of, in a roundabout way, trying to do. I wish I had the stamina to masturbate twice a day. I'll get a double in there once in a while. That's cool. Yeah. Not only if you're, like, super bored and your boyfriend's out of town, right? Sure.

Right? Like, yeah. It's not a contest anymore. I'm a grown man. I have sex when I want, when my wife also wants. Where you want. If it's in the Ikea, it my wife also wants. Where you want. If it's in the Ikea, it's going to be in the Ikea. Oh, yeah.

I would not recommend it. That's the main place. Why not? They got beds. They got shower stalls. Don't push your luck. They got organization systems. It's true.

They really do. They got Swedish pancakes. I should see what's new for summer in Ikea. They got locks. L-O-X. Yum. I honestly have a hard time achieving my maximum potential without

locks. Sexual potential. It's weird. I feel like everybody I think assumes that the amount of sex they are having is typical. Like, I think, like, I think they're like, oh, I'm a married guy. I have sex X, Y and Z. That's probably how it is. It seems like it seems like people in long term relationships think like that single people think like that they kind of ascribe their sexual frequency, they assume it's the norm. My wife is a sort of busty redhead, and she's always asking me to rub her tushy. Is that normal? Well, I mean, it just depends how often you have to go to meetings of your men's group. No, ma'am.

And how many fat ladies came into the shoe store that week it's one of those classic situations where i don't want to have sex and she does um you just want to get a fancy new toilet yeah does that seem that seems normal right yeah yeah do you have a daughter who is an idiot except when she isn't and then in those times she's incredibly smart and articulate yeah and i have a son who's not a great actor okay he's okay but he didn't grow he didn't grow into his part you know like god bless him i don't have anything against him yeah but did you see uh there was an interview with Ed O'Neill recently where he was talking about Married with Children and he was like, which is what we're talking about. If you don't know anything about Married with Children, I apologize for what we just put you through.

We were just listing things about the long running sitcom Married with Children, the beloved sitcom. So he was saying that he keeps in touch with almost everybody from the cast except the woman who played Marcy. Oh, sure. Marcy Darcy. Yeah. Who in real life is a lesbian. And so they were like, well, why? And he was like, I think that she thinks I'm homophobic and I'm really not.

She just, when she was getting married, she was telling me about her plans for the wedding and that she and her bride were both going to wear tuxedos. And he said, and I just laughed because that's funny. Like two women in tuxedos? That is fucking funny. Anyway, she didn't invite me to the wedding. We don't really keep in touch. Well, that's because you don't laugh in somebody's fucking face about their wedding. Yeah.

I mean, if I see two guys kissing, I'm going to say you. It's gross. I wish them well, but it's gross. How come I have to look at it? Oh, Ed O'Neill. Anyway. Come on, Ed O'Neill. Pull it together.

Let's get your act together. We all loved you in Wayne's World. Everyone loved you in Wayne's World. Anybody who's not a dope loves you in Wayne's World. Listen, we all watch Dutch once a month. Don't taint our memories of Dutch. Yeah. That's Ethan Embry.

Is it? He called himself something different. Oh, interesting. He changed his name to Ethan Embry. And now Ethan Embry goes to my gym and he's all covered in prison tattoos. Oh, yeah. I saw him. Did you see that movie?

He was in Cheap Thrills. Didn't see it. Embry's yoked in that. Yeah. He is yoked and looks like a uh weird dock worker yeah anyway he does he really does it's a good movie okay entertainment news from jordan jesse we'll be back in just a second with more I'm Cameron Esposito. I'm Rhea Butcher.

I am Ricky Carmona. And we are the cast members, what, I don't know, podcastiness of Wham Bam Pow. That's an action sci-fi movie podcast you can find on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. And what do we do? News reviews and things you can use. Tons of things you can use. We break it down so it can forever be broken. Hilarious jokes. Plus, sometimes there's a dog in the studio. Sometimes there's a dog here.

We'll see you in your studio. Sometimes there's a dog here. We'll see you in your earbuds. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Dave Holmes and I am also in this room.

I am here. You're running out of steam, Dave. I'm running out of and I am also in this room. I am here. You're running out of steam, Dave. I'm running out of steam a little bit. It's okay. It's hot in here. Yep. You've done a great job. Oh, thanks, guys. It's been a pleasure having you on the program.

It's getting hot in here. We're considering taking off all our clothes. You should. You should. I'm going to take off all my clothes. It's getting so hot, I'm going to take all my clothes off. It's for the best. Cisco would want it that way. I knowisco doesn't sing that song but nelly

also wanted nelly would cisco would want it that's yeah cisco would also want it like that cisco's got nelly's back on most stuff yeah you know we uh we worked together briefly me and cisco because on mtv when i was at mtv and he uh he you've really never lived until you have seen Cisco at the end of a long shoot day with the silver spray paint dripping down the back of his neck

because you know how like he had the like very short hair but then like the spray painted I didn't know that yeah he spray painted his head

yeah that's great yeah yeah yeah and at the end like the show was all dancing and it was all outside and whatever and they would shoot

like six or seven in a day I mean this is just over the counter spray paint like you would get at the hardware store? I'm sure it's some sort of head paint or whatever. It's good for the head. But at the end of the day, he was like playing the Tin Man in The Wiz.

It was weird. It just went down his back. Oh, jeez. It was a very sad thing. Oh, Cisco. Poor Cisco. We hardly knew ye. Yeah, I think we knew him as well as we can.

We needed to. Yeah. I think he gave us a good sense of where he was at. It's a shame he died in that blimp accident. It's a real bummer. The thong song came on the Urban Oldies station that I listen to. Jeez. That'll make you feel old.

And at the beginning, well, it's an oldies and today type station. 80s, 90s, and today. And at the beginning, I was like, you know what? I really get why this song was a big hit. I was like, this is a fucking hit song. This song is a hit song. And literally, I was like, and you know what? I kind of like it.

I got two thirds of the way through, and I wanted to shoot myself. Yep. Like, I've never had that combination of feelings so strongly. Like, where at the beginning, I was like, because I hadn't heard it in 10 years. Yeah, it hasn't really stood the test of time. It doesn't. It's not the kind of movie you pull out a lot. It is of its time.

But I was enjoying it. I was like, you know what? It is of its time. It is of its time. But I was enjoying it. I was like, you know what? It's silly that I hated it so much when I was 19 or 18 or however old I was when it came out. That was just me being a snob.

I was being a dick. This is a fun song. There's nothing wrong with this song. Then I just turned on it. I was like, no, fuck this. I hate this shit. Two-thirds of the way through. Seems very passionately about a thong.

Okay, Dave. Dumps like a truck. Is that from that song? Dumps like a truck. Dumps like a truck. I thought you said don't fuck a truck. Don't, listen, if there's one thing I think we've learned today. Don't fuck a truck.

Don't fuck a truck. He died fucking a truck. Yeah. Oh, you guys. Someone sent us a nice video of a chick in a flip-flop squishing a home run pie. Cool. Apparently that's a subset of non-explicit... YouTube-based fetishes. YouTube fetish videos.

Everything that you just... So Jordan was writing a bit for his day job at the hit television program at midnight. And on this bit, in this bit, he had to look up fetish videos on YouTube that were non-explicit. Yeah. Including women getting pied, which is a big thing. Sure. In the face? In the face, generally.

Generally in the face. I'd like to see some pies to the butt. Sure. That might be fun. Yeah. If anybody can direct me to any pie butt vids, let me know. Oh, you're going to regret saying those words. I'll pay for that monthly.

I will pay $5 monthly for a subscription to piebuttvid.bangbus.co.uk. So it's English chicks. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Those are the butts you want to see getting pied. So are they hot pies? Are they savory pies? Yeah, they're meat pies.

The butts are very pale. Sure. So I like a hot pie on a pale ass. People have been sending us other interesting things, but by far the one that I like the most was it was a station. what do you call that, a channel dedicated to women stomping on things, squishing things. Yep. But the best, the one that they sent us, which was easily the best, was a home-run pie.

It may have been a McDonald's pie, but I'm pretty sure it was a home-run pie. What is a home-run pie? I don't know what that is. It's like a thing that you get at the convenience store for, it used to cost a quarter. I bet it costs 75 cents now. What are the fillings? It's like a turnover. It's like crimped. It's a half moon that's crimped around the round part. Sure. You know, folded on the straight part and crimped around the round part. What's the gooey substance? Yeah. So there's custard ones, there's like fruit ones, there's chocolate ones. Interesting.

Yeah, like a cherry. Okay. An apple. I feel you. A chocolate, a vanilla. That's probably what you got. Okay. This is your main flavor.

It's what killed Cisco. Yeah. Fucked a home run pie. Anyway, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sending it in. Thanks to everybody who's been posting cool stuff on the Reddit, on the subreddit, by the way.

It's not just Lawyer County Jr. anymore. The guy who started this whole thing, co-started it. A lot of people posting stuff on the Reddit. You ever go on that subreddit and read about International Waters? They're discussing your new episode with Chris Fairbanks right now. Really? Yep. No, I think that I probably shouldn't.

Google Maximum Fun subreddit. They're nice. Come on. They know that we come around. Yeah. Okay. They're not going to be dicks. No, I just, but even still, like, just reading, you know, reading comments.

They like it when you participate. You can tell them a fun behind-the-scenes fact. Okay, maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll do that. I don't know. I just feel like it's a Pandora's box. You know what I mean? It could bum me out. Yeah, the nice comments are so close to the dickish ones, aren't'll do that. Maybe I'll do that. I don't know. I just feel like it's a Pandora's box. You know what I mean? It could bum me out.

Yeah, the nice comments are so close to the dickish ones, aren't they? Yeah. Sometimes right next to each other. Sometimes, same comment. Sometimes, same comment. Sometimes they manage to cram them in the same comment. It's only going to be the negative ones that you remember. Go listen to International Waters.

Don't be a chump. Yeah, it's a fun show. Subscribe to Dave Holmes' hit podcast. Yeah, it's a fun one. Let's keep those checks rolling into Dave Holmes' bank account in the low hundreds. Man, common.

Let's keep Dave Holmes in one brief weekend trip every six months. I assume where that money goes to. Yep, yep. It's my Ikea fund. Yeah, there you go. You get yourself a nice children's bed.

Maybe you could take the intermediate cooking class. Oh, maybe I will. You've taken the beginning one. Yeah, and I did. Drop a couple hundo. I worked my way around to the intermediate. Oh, wow, okay. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. Can I say one thing? What kind of loaf did you have to eat in that? The loaf was just a one-time thing. Oh, okay. One-time loaf. But I can bake breads and stuff now. Oh, nice. Sure. I can make pretzels. Cool. Hot pretzels. Making pretzels is good. just a one-time thing oh okay one-time uh but i do i can bake breads and stuff now oh nice sure

i can make pretzels cool pretzels making pretzels is good we made some pretzels at max fun con this year damn it oh it was great can i tell you guys something to make at home and this is for all of our listeners as well and i i'm pretty sure i can do it from memory okay here we go. It's called Limonada de Coco, a Colombian drink, coconut lemonade. Juice three limes. Add three tablespoons of sugar. Okay. One cup of coconut milk. You can in a can, if you like. About two and a half cups of ice. Put it in your blender.

Whip that together. That will be the single greatest beverage you've ever refreshed yourself with. Sounds good. And if you're having an adult party, you can add some white rum. Yum. And a dildo. Great. You got to stir it up.

Yeah. Have somebody step on it. That's it. That's it. That's the best. I just gave you the greatest recipe of your life. Limonada de Coco. We'll talk to you next time.

Jennifer Marmer on the boards. Jordan Morris, Dave Holmes, our producer, Sonny D, Brian Fernandez, kicking it in London, England, doing some edits and cuts and shit. Go to boatparty.biz. Hitting some asses with hot, savory pies. Boatparty.biz. You've got two days left. Make it snappy.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.