Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 331: Cade Yeager with Claudia O'Doherty

Episode Date: June 30, 2014

Australian comedian Claudia O'Doherty joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of action hero names, Australian hunks, and Japanese toilets. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I went back to the voice of the millennial generation. Okay. You know what? That's all. I mean, you know, I can't... Wait, what were you last week?

I went last week. So two weeks ago, I kicked things off with Voice of the Millennial Generation. A few weeks ago, I was thinking about the Voice of the Millennial Generation. Two weeks ago, I opened the show cold, Voice of the Millennial Generation. Last week, I got cold feet. I went back to America's Radio Sweetheart. This week, I'm back to the Voice of the millennial generation because somebody on Reddit told me to. Well, I feel like I'm doing a podcast with Ross Perot over here.

Is he in? Is he out? Oh, man. Ross Perot. I'm just trying to build a viable third party, Jordan. That's true. This is about a movement, not about a personality. Oh, okay.

The millennials. Right. Hey, Jesse. Yes. If your question, Jordan, is are we apparently broadcasting this week live from Reggae Sunsplash? The answer is yes. There's a giant tour bus parked in the park directly across from us, and the windows of our office are vibrating gently right now. Yeah.

of our office are vibrating gently right now. Yeah. I mean, we're not going to have on any Reggae Sunsplash guests, but I think that vibe is going to really come through in the podcast today. That like chilled out island, Natty Dredd kind of vibe. Like a classic Natty Dredd type vibe? Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Have a conk.

Eat some conk. Sure. We could totally eat some conk. Have some kind of a cool, refreshing coconut drink. Yeah, I'll have that. That sounds great. I like this. Reggae Sunsplash. How about this? Jordan Jesse Go Reggae Sunsplash Edition. Yeah.

It's like when they had L.L. Bean editions of the Subaru Outback. There you go. Yeah, sure. Or like the Mad Men collection at Banana Republic. Yeah, exactly. This is the kind of cross-branding opportunity that we have really been overlooking and it's really to the detriment of our program and our bank accounts. You know, we weren't planning on having any Ray Gay Sunsplash-related guests today. But do you think we could just go out in the parking lot and just kind of fool around for a little bit and see if we can find an illegitimate son of Bob Marley to come in here? I mean, there's one in every town.

The rule is, I believe, there's one in every town with a population over 500,000. Gotcha. In the world. He's just got to be there awkwardly blending rap and reggae. Exactly. He's hanging out with Super Cat. I'd actually like to hit the ground running okay i think we can introduce our guests and then i'd love to because i have a topic that i think will be of interest to millennials yeah he's the man behind the smash hit it wasn't me

no she is an australian comedian known for her comedies throughout the world, particularly in the United Kingdom. Mainly there. Yeah. And Australia, I guess. Sorry, I interrupted you. Yeah, well. Yeah. I'm going to go back to this.

That whole Shaggy thing was really productive. I'm going to go back to that. Okay. Mr. Bombastic himself. I wish I was Shaggy. I wish I was Shaggy thing was really productive i'm gonna go back to that mr bombastic himself i i wish i was shaggy i wish i was shaggy oh man just those royalty checks right i you can i ask okay our guest on the program our guest on the program uh she is uh she's a comedian performer a comic writer a brilliant comedian someone that we saw at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival last year when we were there. And she was the person that everyone said, you got to go see this one show. You got to go see her.

She's totally amazing. She's something you'd never get to see at home. And it's really special and hilarious. We went a little disappointed. But, you know, it had really been built up. No, it was every bit as great as we'd heard. And as soon as I heard that she was in Los Angeles, I said, well, we'll get her

on the show. I just sent her a Twitter message. Luckily, she wasn't doing anything. Claudio Doherty. Hello. Thank you. Thank you. It was also, I was so scared last week when you announced that I was on the show that day. Last week, last week, I, I was so scared last week when you announced that I was on the show that day. Last week, I think I was having a bad day or something.

But it was like Friday. I think it was Friday. Probably. When we usually record on a Saturday. And when you got something sticking in your craw, you just like to announce randomly Jordan, Jesse, go guests. No, I just. Helps take some of the pressure off. I just wasn't in my, I just didn Helps take some of the pressure off. I just wasn't in my...

I just didn't have all my ducks in a row. Sure. And I said... And I was looking forward to having Claudia on the program. No, it's very nice.

Because Claudia's delightful by all accounts. Obviously. She was a guest on International Water. She was delightful. We saw her live show. It was delightful.

She's a friend of many friends of ours across the pond. Yeah, we've got lots of friends in common. So I knew I was looking forward to Claudio Doherty's visit to this program. And I tweeted, Claudio Doherty's coming in tomorrow. Yeah.

It's going to be really fun. Did you have to cancel anything? I felt like I was in New York City. So I was so worried. And she sent me an email right away. So you just hopped in a cab and you're like to Los Angeles I thought he was 100% right

and I'd irresponsibly not put it in my diary on the right day and I just was I just thought I was the worst person I was like and also

I was having such a good day your diary it was such a beautiful day in New York City as having a great breakfast and then I looked at my phone and you tweeted that and I was like, oh my God. And I was like, this

is typical me. So irresponsible. So rude. Oh my God. And then it was, you were wrong. It turns out that I am the irresponsible. But you had already tipped over the brunch table, spilling mimosa everywhere. Right onto America's Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani.

It's true. But then I felt so great when I realized I hadn't missed it. So it was a horrible feeling followed by a wonderful feeling. So I don't hold a grudge. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Don't worry about it. You know what, Claudia?

I won't. Thank you. Thank you. Guys, can we hit the ground running? Let's get right into it, Jordan? I won't. Thank you. Thank you. Guys, can we hit the ground running? Let's get right into it, Jordan. Sure. Okay. We've already checked off the stuff on my list.

Super Cat, the whole nine yards. I just learned that Mark Wahlberg's character name in the new Transformers movie is Cade Yeager. is Cade Yeager. His name in the movie is Cade Yeager. C-A-D-E-Y-A-G-E-R. C-A-D-E. Is that a traditional

American name? You know what? I would say no, except I did grow up with a Cade. There was a Cade in my neighborhood. There was a Cade

and his brother was Court. Cade and Court. What? Yes. Wow. So if I had not known that one Cade, I would say this is just a nonsense name. And the court wasn't Bud Court?

No, it was not Bud Court. So here's my question. R.E. Cade Yeager. A. Is this the stupidest name in the history of movies? B. Do you think we as a group can come up with a stupider name?

Court Blort? Court Blort. Well, question one. Can you guys remember a stupider movie name? I have two contenders. Well, the thing is, there's got to be... I mean, I would imagine that there are focus groups just for the character names on a movie that big. Oh, sure.

Because we once had – this might have been right after your time on The Sound of Young America, but my dad went to church with a guy who worked at a naming company. Wow. That named things. Wow. Not mostly babies, mostly products. All right. Not mostly babies, mostly products. All right.

But I had him on The Sound of Young America once a long time ago to try and think of a new name for The Sound of Young America because The Sound of Young America was a bad name. And he basically wouldn't do it for free. But he did talk to me a little bit about naming. My guess is that all these, you know, Fark Clark type names, Chud Pud. Sure. They are like battle tested. Oh, yeah. They've gone behind the one way glass. Clark-type names, Chud Pudd, they are battle-tested. Oh, yeah. They've gone behind the one-way glass.

You're running them by NASCAR moms. You're running them by hard-working, blue-collar types in Detroit. Just seeing, because those big movies, you've got to hit four quadrants. Yeah, you've got to get, what are the four quadrants we're talking about? Young male. Sure. Older male. Gay male.

Dead male. And dead male. And yes, will the dead rise to see this movie, I think is a big question. Express male is the last one, I think. Right. So, yeah. Here are my two nominees for stupider name in movies. Wait. What was the Mark Wahlberg?

Cade Yeager. Cade Yeager. Cade Yeager. Nominee one. There was a Cade in your neighborhood? Yeah. C-A-D-E. See, I feel like normally when something like that comes up, in my head, I can just make a mental adjustment for Jordan grew up in Orange County.

You know what I mean? Just as like if I told you – just if I told you that like all my neighbors went to Burning Man, you could be like, oh, Jesse grew up in San Francisco. But Cade – Yeah, they were really religious too. They were like we don't believe in dinosaurs religious really yes is it like a biblical that's what i that's the thing i probably should have thought of and what was cade's personality uh all-american baseball okay uh you know he was a baseball was he sort of baseball yeah he was a circular you can't get much more american than

that no ma'am. That is great. Well, what was his brother's name again? Court. Court was actually an apple pie. Cooling on a windowsill. When it's a boy's name. He unfortunately was swiped by a hungry hobo. How do you spell court as a boy's name?

So is it C-O-R-T? You know, it might have been short for Courtland, which is not a weird name, but a little bit less of a weird name. I think little bit less of a weird name. I think it's a weirder name. Courtney. What about Courtney? Are boys named Courtney here? I think there are boys named Courtney in the world.

Yeah. I would say a boy named Courtney in a third grade classroom in America today. Is in trouble. He would be looked upon askance. Yes. Courtland is a place name. Yeah. Okay.

Where? Cortland. Okay. Cortland. Is that a country? I hate to correct you. Cortland is a place name. It's the street that my childhood best friend Jodie Scott grew up on.

Oh, okay. Obviously. Sure. Wow. What are your other names? So the other two names. I have not seen this movie. Seems. Sure. Wow. What are your other names? So the other two names, I have not seen this movie. Seems too bad to see. But I guess Will Smith's character name in After Earth was Cypher Rage.

Pretty good. I watched that on a plane. How was it? I didn't watch all of it. I didn't watch the end. It got a little boring. Okay. So you would say that they could have pulled it out watch the end. It got a little boring.

So you would say that they could have pulled it out in the end? Yeah. Yeah, if things got spicier, but they didn't. More erotic? Yeah. Well, it's a father-son tale. So I wouldn't have liked that. No, that sounds inappropriate. Unless maybe the little one had met a sexy alien.

But he didn't, as far as I saw. Well, but he could have in the part that you missed. It's true. I think the fatal flaw in your reasoning here is that you didn't stick around to see the end of the movie. It's true. But the plane may have landed, a meal may have arrived,

I could have fallen asleep. There are so many reasons and I don't think you should blame me. You probably know what the reason is. See, here's the thing. You're listing a variety of reasons. Someone you know was there. And it's you. It's true.

I was definitely there. But maybe I took sleeping tablets. I don't know. So you think it's possible that you got roofied. By myself. Right. Yeah. And so you don't remember the end of the movie after Earth.

So you can't be held responsible for the fact. If there's some hot child on alien fuck action in the last 20 minutes. But that could be completely appropriate because maybe aliens, I mean, are the same age as kids. I don't know. Sure. Aliens could be the same age as kids. You don't know. Sure. Aliens could be the same age as kids. You don't know. I don't know how old aliens are.

Yeah. Lindsay, do we have a ruling on whether Curd is a real name? Court. Court. No. She's shaking her head no. Oh, Cade. It's Cade.

Yes. Are either of these biblical? Cade? Okay. Really short for cadence, she said. he's biblical? Cade? Okay. Really? Short for Cadence, she said. So she says

it does not appear to be biblical, does appear to be a real name. Cade. I'm not buying it. Yeah. And she knows one

that's short for Cadence, which is not a real name. That's a musical term. Sure. Okay, so Cypher Rage, nominee number one for stupider name. Yeah.

Nominee number two in Face Off, Nicolas Cage's name is Caster Troy. His brother's name is Pollux Troy. I'm going to say Pollux Troy and Cypher Rage may be stupider. Man, okay. Hard to say though. I'll tell you. Pollux Troy. It's tough.

Here's the thing. I think to some extent you are comparing apples and oranges. And I don't know if that I don't know if that colloquialism extends to the subcontinent. Wait, what is the Antipodes or the subcontinent for that matter, any of the former colonies, I think you're comparing a category of name that I would call all-American badass, which is what Mark Wahlberg's name is. Sure. And let's face it, what the name Mark Wahlberg is.

Right. With a category of name that I would call Spaceman Spiff. Sure. You know what I mean? Like a man of the future. Flash Gordon. Okay. Yeah.

Well, that accounts for Cypher Rage. Right. Yeah. But I think even the face-off one is sort of halfway there. Wait. Who was Pollock's Troy? I saw Face-Off quite recently. So Face-Off has been on cable a lot, hasn't it?

Is that where you saw it? No, I saw it in Australia. Oh, okay. Over the Christmas. They're just getting it over there? Over the Christmas season. Yeah. It's Australia's favorite Christmas movie.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what better Christmas movie. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what better way to celebrate the holidays? That's funny. America's favorite Easter movie is Young Einstein. Oh, and so it should be. Yeah. And so it should be.

So, Paul X. Which character was that? It's Nicolas Cage's brother, the one who I guess has the whatever sort of MacGuffin they're looking for in the movie. So, but what about John? Is John Travolta his brother? No, John Travolta is his enemy. I thought that was his enemy. Which one is good in the beginning?

John Travolta. John Travolta is good in the beginning. But there's two Nicolas Cages? I would say John Travolta was good in the beginning, and then he had a long fallow period, and then he was good again right around Pulp Fiction, a couple movies after that, and then he's been bad since then. I really like to look who's talking. That's a really good point.

Point taken. Do you mean John Travolta's a bad actor, or do you think he's evil now? Are you saying that he's some sort of super criminal? What was his last movie? What's he up to? I think Idina Menzel, that was his last movie. Yeah, mispronouncing someone's name at the Oscars. What was, yeah, what is the last John Travolta movie?

He's got a real space face at this point. Yeah, he looks crazy. Like, it would be, like, he's one of those, he's on the short list of people who now look so weird that it would be hard to put them in a movie. Yeah. Like, credibly. It's a very sad thing about this town that you guys live in. Yeah, that's a really good point. I mean, I've never seen so much plastic surgery in real life, and it's really heartbreaking

to see that. Yeah. But on the other hand, you should have seen me, like, right after the motorcycle accident. Yeah, he looks bad. He looks bad. I was just a grisly mess. Just looked like a nightmare. But do you understand the distinction that I'm making?

Sure. Yeah, you know, I definitely do. I think they're both trying to – it's like naming someone baseball pie. Right. It's basically what they've done with Mark Wahlberg. But it has to have an element of punching someone in the stomach. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like it doesn't take any shit. Yeah. have an element of punching someone in the stomach yeah you know what i mean yeah it like like it doesn't take any shit yeah like i think that's one of the good things about the name cade is it's it has uh it has a k and a d you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah kind of rhymes it's an internal rhyme yeah yeah well it's at the very least i would, it's Asinine. Jaeger bomb. I would say it's Asinine. Yeah. Absolutely. So it's a great name. Is that what the conclusion we've come to? Yeah, I guess it is.

It's a good name. Do you guys want to go see Transformers after this? Yeah, Jordan, I have to say that you were very clear that you wouldn't go see the movie After Earth. Yeah. Much less clear about Transformers 7, Attack of the Dinosaurs or whatever it's called. Yeah. I watched the first Transformers movie on a cable and it goes down as one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I just hated it.

I have hated few movies more than Transformers. Did you make it all the way through? Maybe not. Maybe not. I think – and what I do not like about the Transformers – because, I mean, all the way through? Maybe not. Maybe not. I think, and what I do not like about the Transformers, because I mean,

I'll go see a comic book movie. I'll go see a big action movie. I think those are great, but there's so much bad comedy in Transformers. There's so much like lame improv from non-improv people.

Are the Transformers improvising? Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, you do one for Optimus Prime and you let him go. You let him go. Oh, yeah. Just get that camera rolling. Yeah. Yeah. Is he a good one? You let him go. You let him go. Oh, yeah. Just get that camera rolling.

Yeah. Yeah. He's the good... He's the good Transformer. Semi-truck. Are they aliens? They are aliens. They are aliens, yeah.

Who just happen to look like trucks. The Transformers, why they are like they are is unclear to me. I think I can explain it to you. I'd like to know. There's a planet called Voltron where all of the inhabitants look like cars, trucks, and military vehicles of the 1980s. And planes and dinosaurs.

And hold on. Sorry. And dinosaurs of the mid-1990s. And also some dinosaurs and ghetto blasters. Sorry. And dinosaurs of the mid-1990s. And also some dinosaurs and ghetto blasters. Right. Which is boom boxes when they were called ghetto blasters. And guns.

And robots that turned into giant guns. I remember one of them just turned into a gun. Yeah. How do you even get around, gun man? He hovers. I'll tell you what though I had the transformer I had the bad guy transformer that turned into a ghetto blaster And one of his tapes

And I believe the tape turned into a puma Cool And that was just That was all I needed in the world Question Do they start as vehicles and become Men? Creatures Their true state is as a robot.

Okay. And their disguise state is like when they want to be inconspicuous. So, you know, when you want to like cruise around undetected, you turn into a dinosaur or a gun. I visited robots in disguise. So it's a of Robots. Can we do that again and can I do the low part? Transformers, robots in disguise. Oh, we did like a round. It was very nice.

I like that. It's beautiful. Row, row, row your boat. Transformers. There you go. I think it's interesting. And I don't know the cosmology. But a bad way to disguise yourself would be, like, let's say I wanted to disguise myself. I didn't want to be recognized.

I wanted to slip through the streets of, what is it, Chicago that these things are set in? I think so. Unnoticed. So one good thing I might disguise myself as, admittedly, semi-truck. One less good thing

I would disguise myself as, dinosaur. Dinosaur. One even worse thing, 12-foot tall gun. Sure. I don't think Mayor Emanuel is going to take kindly.

He's trying to get the guns off the street. Are there any female Transformers? I think I was reading something where I guess in the world of the comic books, they have the first female Transformer and that's been kind of a big deal. Yeah, it feels like a big deal. Because her jugs are huge. When? And does she become a jug or does she have – She becomes two giant breasts, yes.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't really know anything. I just – yeah. I was just noticing that it happened. But I think in the proper Transformers universe, there are no female Transformers. Did the Transformers begin with a comic book or with a toy or with a cartoon? Don't know. I think it's going to be a simultaneous cartoon and toy.

Sure. That's my, that's going to, I'm sticking with that. Yeah. And then first it was that. And then second, it was my downstairs neighbor, Gus Iverson, getting one of each from his grandparents and one of each Masters of the Universe. Literally one of every one. When they came out, he would get them.

I had to get them at the second-hand toy store. I imagine something quite sad was happening in Gus's life that his grandparents felt they needed to give him every single one, though. Fair enough. Gus had constant diarrhea. So he needed every Transformer. Okay, well, I mean, I feel like we don't

combined have a lot of knowledge about Transformers. Chunk Blastwell. Sure. OK. Yeah. Stupider name. Go for it. Is it Chunk Blastwell?

Well, I feel like right now we're in the spitballing period. Are we making up names? Yeah. OK. Great. Something stupider than Cade Yeager. I think Chunk Blastwell is solid. Silly Billy?

No, Claudia. I don't... I think that... I'm just concerned that you may not quite... It's a cultural thing. It could be a cultural thing. It could be a cultural thing. Well, I'll make... I'll submit Silly Billy and I'll just walk away from it.

Okay. Because obviously I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I'm going to say Yip Blitzen. Yip Blitzen? I want it to be like – That sounds European. Yeah. Yeah.

So they're stupid. I'm sorry. Yeah. I want it to be like conceivable as an actual name. Right. Like something that you – Yip Blitzen yeah oak that would be that is a good one oak is a really good one okay so we got oak

oak mighty it's a little bit too on the nose oak fightly oh yip blitzen dear god i hope I hope people are taking notes on this. Yeah. These are all, by the way, I don't want people to think that we're proprietary about this stuff. Creative Commons. But we are, right? No, no, no. Oh, I will sue you.

If I see anybody on their fucking webcomic name something Yip Blitzen, my lawyers will come down on your fucking sorry ass. That means you, Dinosaur Comics. Creative comments attribution. Okay. You can put these in your blockbuster action movie, but we demand to be in the credits. Okay. Totally. Special thanks to or credit?

Oh, I want to be in the post-credit sequence teasing the next movie. That's my demand. Would you like to just be in the credit sequence doing bloopers? Yeah. Oh, that's great. But to have not been in the movie at all prior to that. I think that's the next step for post movie bloopers. Yeah.

It's like things that just didn't even come close to happening in the movie. Actors you've never seen before. You'll definitely want to stay through the credits for Transformers 8 to see national public radio personality Jesse Thorne take a nasty spill on a jet ski. Yeah, I think like, well, I think a good sound would be, what about gurt? Gurt? Yeah, gurt's good. I like gurt.

Gurt. Yeah, Gort's good. I like Gort. Gort. And I don't think it has to rhyme and I don't think it has to be an alliteration. But I think that assonance of Cade Yeager is what I like so much about it. What about Fence? Oh, I like Fence a lot as a first name.

What about Gort Flambe? It's too European, Jesse. He's a bad guy. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yort is the fey mincing bad transformer. Wait. Is it Gort or yort?

I turn into a Formula One car. I'm from Europe. No one in America likes me. Oh, I turn into one of those old-time French hot air balloons. I think it's okay for the Prime Minister to have mistresses. Yeah, that's gort Flambe. This is the stupidest thing we've ever done. We've done a lot of stupid things.

I think we need to stop calling out when we're doing something stupid. I think we just need to grab it by the balls and charge ahead. Okay. Yeah. I'm not against it. Yeah.

Let's be clear. I'm just saying, I don't think we need to point it out. I just came up with Gort Flambé. Well, I feel like we're Carlos Mencia saying you guys are going to be offended by this. Get ready. Okay. Gort Flambé.

Let's charge. Can I point out that Gort Flambé could also just be French-Canadian? Oh, that's true. Canada Day is coming up. It's just something I know. It has nothing to do with- Mount Punchgut. Oh, Mount's good.

I like Mount as a first name oh mount's good i like mount as a first name that is nice is punch guard um like an act that's an action so like in this a way of life would so you're saying it would be like prince's unpronounceable symbol like he would say hi my name is mount and then he'll punch you anytime he introduces himself yeah yeah that's what I think. Well, that would be, I mean, that would be double helpful for him because anytime his enemies were plotting against him. Oh, yeah. They'd take it out on each other.

Yeah. Glip Lister. That sounds like a villain as well. Yeah. Or a mouthwash. Yeah. I like Fence. I feel like that's my favorite first name that we've come up with so far.

Fence Thompson. No. See, your last names, Jordan, they lack the force. Sure. Yeah, you do take your foot off the pedal for the last names. No offense. That's okay. But you sort of come in really strong and then you really. Sure. You do take your foot off the pedal for the last name. It's no offense. That's okay.

But you sort of come in really strong and then you really – Sure. I was a little offended initially. That's how I conduct most of my business. Yeah. But then once I understood that your intent was not to offend. Oh, no. I just – I'm trying to help you come up with this name.

No, no. Thank you. And this is – right. Yeah. And thank you. You're just – you're assisting us. I'm here to help. Yeah.

I appreciate it. Yahoo Sirius. I like this. help. Yeah. I appreciate it. Yahoo Sirius. I like this. That is a good one. Yahoo Search Engine. Engine is good. I feel like engine. Fence Engine?

No, that's not quite right. Oh, huh. I loved it. I was ready to go with Fence Engine. I was ready to call this whole thing off. Paul Blart Mall Cop? Yeah. Paul Blart Mall Cop? Yeah, Paul Blart Mall Cop. Fart poopsly.

No, Jordan. No, I'm going backwards. That's just scatology. We're better than that, Jordan. We are. We do a lot of Formula One stuff on this show. It's very classy. That's true, yeah.

This isn't a NASCAR program. It's me, the of Formula One stuff on this show. It's very classy. That's true, yeah. This is a NASCAR program. It's me, the transforming Formula One car. I have several small meals throughout the day. I take midday naps and eat things made out of sea urchins. I turn into a cheese ball for dessert. Okay, that's it. Fence. I think I got it.

Okay. Oh, just a fart noise? Oh, it's a noise. Just a long fart noise. Fence, gunt. Fence, gunt. There, done. We'll be back in just a second.

That's right, that's a go. there done we'll be back in just a second hey have you guys heard that lady to lady podcast yeah bro listen to my girlfriend all the time and it's made a relationship so much better and healthy but even though our relationship is healthy i still totally want to date barbara brandy and tess because they're so funny and smart and pretty oh my god what oh they're here that's right i'm barbara i'm brandy and i'm tess and we're lady to lady we're a podcast it's the three of us we have a fourth girl on every week we solve lady problems just hang out talk about stuff sometimes we have characters. We get weird. You can listen to us every Wednesday. We got a new podcast out. Go to MaximumFun.org

or iTunes. Oh, it's Wednesday. I've got it right now. Oh my god, I better go. I can listen to it while I'm bench pressing my quads. Yeah, bro. Tight, bro. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, detective. Claudia O'Doherty, guest person. She is. It's true. All the way from the Antipodes. Yep. What does that mean? I don't know. It just means like down in the Southern Hemisphere, New Zealand and Australia are included in the Antipodes. That's all I really know. It's just like a zone. It's like a pretty sweet zone. Yeah. I don't want to get too far into zones. So let's change course here. Okay.

Tell me a little bit about where in Australia you're from. I'm from Sydney, Australia. That's one of the most famous things in all of Australia. Exactly. It's the best one. It's the famous one. Would you say it's number one? What would you say right now, though, if you were from Melbourne?

I would. I mean, those Melburnnians i love melbourne melbourne's great but they've got a real chip on our shoulder on their shoulder i'll tell you why because sydney is like the beautiful blonde sexy older sister who is so good looking so sydney's like the you yeah well yeah absolutely but then melbourne is also like hey claudia nice opera house thank you but then melbourne is like the brunette, youngest, smallest sister with a great personality who is actually like has great things, has great restaurants, has great cafes, cheaper rent. But like where are the cool, sexy beaches? Right.

They don't have them. They don't have the sexy beaches. We're actually quite good. We're quite European. And it's like, yeah, you are. But like look at at it the beach is just better right that's it right we just win end of the day we don't even know that there's a fight right sorry melbourne and melbourne's going crazy what's a third city of australia there is adelaide which is the serial killer capital of the the country i've you know know, I've heard horror movie nerds recently talking about how good Australian horror movies are. We've got some – I mean in the past like five years I've seen quite a few that have been very upsetting.

Yeah. Is that because of all – Wolf Creek was horrible and Snowtown was horrible. I have not heard of Snowtown. And Snowtown was horrible. I have not heard of Snowtown. Snowtown is based on a famous true murder case that took place in Adelaide where they – it was like one guy sort of masterminded a series of killings of people so they could take their dole money. So you call that – what do you call – Welfare money?

Welfare money. So he would essentially just commit welfare fraud. So not even to get that much money. But I think he killed about 12 people and he then would put their bodies in barrels with acid oh my and then there's a really so he had a system

fun movie called Snowtown about it which is like a very highly acclaimed movie but I think it might have given me depression okay like clinical depression yeah the next day I was like oh no yeah

is that Australia's big like cultural these days is horrible, upsetting horror movies? I like sexy, hunky actors. Oh, sure. Yeah. A lot of Australian hunks. That's what we specialize in. I mean, that's why I'm here in Hollywood, to be one of your hunky actors. Sure.

Because we actually, we ran into each other the other day. If you want to be a hunk, you got to have the buns. You've always said that. You've always said that. I've always said that. Listen. That's what Jordan's famous for. Actually, you probably have heard that on TV. Like the ladies on The View say that a lot.

And Night Tide, Jimmy Fallon says that a lot. But Jordan actually originated that. Yeah. It's really cool how many people Jimmy Fallon can get to say, if you want to be a hunk, you have to have the buns. It's fun. They're really unexpected. Because you wouldn't expect celebrities to be, like, cool about doing stuff like that because you think they're up on a pedestal. And you know that a working man like you or I would say, if you want to be a hunk, you

got to have the buns. But you don't necessarily expect that Meryl Streep's going to say that. No. But it's because Jimmy Fallon's so playful. Right. And certainly not with the roots backing her. It's a rap that tells the story of the history of rap music through the phrase. If you want to be a hunk, you got to have the buns.

So, Claudia, do you feel like Australia has an inordinate amount of hunks just walking around? Yeah. It's a hunk hothouse. Okay. Down there. What do you got? The old Triple H. A hunk hothouse.

You got Wolverine. Yeah. Hugh Jackman. Number two, you got Mel Gibson. Yep. The original hunk. Yowza. Who?

Yeah. Just hearing the name makes me swoon. Great personality. And he's so racist.owza. Who? Yeah. Just hearing the name makes me swoon. Great personality. And he's so racist. Great guy all around. Yeah. Number three and four, of course, you got the Australian Pickers from the show Australian Pickers. What's that?

I don't know what that is. It's the Australian version of American Pickers. I downloaded it from the torrent website. Oh, no. Yeah. Americans, you don't torrent much compared to Australians. That's something I've noticed. Maybe we don't talk about it because we work in the entertainment industry.

Well, I mean, Australia, because we get everything much later, it's like everybody does it. Not me, though. Definitely not me. Well, I don't do it either. But, yeah, of course, you don't do it. Nobody here ever does that. I actually don't do it. I consider it stealing. Yes. Yeah, no, same.

Yeah, same. Sure. But yeah, it's different. I'm uncomfortable talking about this now. Let's not talk about tour. Okay, good. I mean, if there's a foreign reality show that isn't available, I think that's reasonable. What do they pick on Australian pickers? Yeah, what do they pick? It's pretty

crappy. I'm not going to lie to you. Australian pickers is easily the worst of the three pickers that I've seen. I've seen American pickers, Canadian pickers, and Australian pickers. And Australian pickers is the worst. They just go to Tasmania and look at junk cars. It's a real bummer. Oh, they're picking junk cars. Yeah, well, they're buying old advertising stuff, you know, enamel signs, whatever.

So it's furniture? It's furniture? In some cases. I feel like our audience at home isn't getting a sense of the broad variety of intrigued faces and expressions that you've offered us over the course of this program. Well, there's so much to learn from you guys. I have no idea what a picker is and what they pick. So I just want to learn. Yeah.

That's why I came. Look, suffice it to say, they don't pick a banjo. Okay. Okay. So that should suffice it. But if they found like an antique banjo, they might? They might buy that. Yeah.

They might buy that. Let's talk more about Australia. I want to learn more about Australia. I've never been might. They might buy that. Yeah. They might buy that. Let's talk more about Australia. Okay. I want to learn more about Australia. I've never been there before. Ask me anything. Okay. So other than horror movies and hunks, what else are you guys putting out?

Just beautiful foods. Okay. Excellent produce. Really good minds. Lots of good natural. Right. Yeah. We've got lots of minds.

The richest woman in the world lives in Australia. Oh, okay. Gina Reinhart. She inherited a mining business and she's really aggressively expanded that business in a way that might destroy the planet. But she's kind of a hero. I mean, as a feminist, I consider her a hero. Yes. She's really leaned into her mind.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It turns out she can't see down to the bottom. She's like, no, I'm going to get one of those hats. You need a light. You need one of those lamp hats. You need some kind of light. What else have we got?

We've got, like, beautiful fish everywhere. Really? Just walking around? Yeah. Walking fish. Like? Just walking around? Yeah. Walking fish. Like living on land? What about marsupials? Do you study those in school?

Big time. Big time. Is that like the whole of fifth grade is just marsupials? It's kind of like from the very beginning. But it always felt like kind of lame compared to other countries who had like elephants and lions. Where it's like we've got like small things that have eggs and pouches. They're like mammals, but they lay eggs.

It's true. It's pretty good. It is. It is pretty good. They're oviparous. But they're just, I mean, and we've got like very poisonous things, so that's quite good. Oh, yeah. That is good.

Great white sharks. What's the most poisonous thing? Oh, we've got Mel Gibson's invective. The brown snake is pretty poisonous. That's going to kill you, definitely. The brown snake? It's a good name, isn't it? This is the most poisonous snake in our entire continent.

What shall we call it? Brown snake. Yeah, brown. I don't know. I don't know if Joe is brown. So the smaller the snake is, the more dangerous it is. That is generally the rule of thumb in Australia. And then also there's the white-tipped spider. That's a pretty bad spider.

That won't kill you, but when it bites you, the venom creates a necrotizing sore, a wound that could spread for the rest of your life. I hear when you get one of those sores, your parents will buy you all the Transformers. That's what happened. I hear that you don't have to complete the semester. You just get straight A's. Oh, cool. That's what I heard. That's what I heard.

Well, the person I know who got bitten by one of them on the head eight times, he can't hear out of his ear anymore. Oh, shit. Are the wounds still there? The wound has stopped growing for him, which is great news because they can't judge. Oh, yeah. He lost like a lot of hair on that side of his head and he can't hear out of that ear. How did he cover up the hair, love?

A hat. He just wears a hat. He just wears a hat. But luckily, the sun is very strong in Australia, so that's like quite a reasonable look. Can't they just cut his hat off? They could. They could. I've suggested it.

In America, you'll get beat up for wearing a hat. Really? You'll get beat up. Oh, I'll be careful not to wear my hat. Another big cultural difference. Yeah. Hat fights. I have a question.

We got them over here. You guys don't have them over there. I understand that there's a lot going on in Australia that's not just Yahoo serious. But here in America, we still have Carrot Top, only he exercises more. Yes. So he's really muscular. And in my imagination,

Yahoo Serious is still a minor famous person in Australia, but he's super ripped. I think he might actually have more of a yoga body. He's lean. Yeah. Would you see a Yahoo! series as a judge on a talent competition? No, you wouldn't.

You know what? He's a pretty elusive character. He never does anything. Like Gene Wilder. Really? He never does any television or – I mean maybe he's doing something that I'm not aware of and that's terrible for me to say. But he's not in the public eye at all. I think he might

live near the beach where uh home and away is filmed okay i don't think you have that here though yeah what's home and away is our long-running australian beach soap opera yeah what's going on on it now um i i mean to be honest i don't know but that's yahoo serious moved in recently yeah really shook things up that's where a lot of the mega hunks start though, like your Hemsworth brothers. They were all – Are the Hemsworths Australians? Yes. I mean it makes sense, but –

Yes. Yeah. So they all started in Home and Away. Interesting. Do all – at what point in school does Australia separate out the hunks and start teaching them American accents? The hunks get separated really early. Right. And it's surprising because like when you're young, you can't really – you know, sort of like a chubby face five-year-old.

You wouldn't necessarily say they've got hunk potential. But there are doctors who know who's going to become a hunk. There's a hunk gene. Absolutely. What proportion of Australian school girls would you say are going to grow up to become mega foxes like Nicole Kidman and yourself? I mean that's – and Rose Byrne. Sure. So that's – I've named three really big stars there. Right.

Naomi Watts, she actually did play my mom in an ad when I was nine years old. Wow. Which was really ridiculous because I think she was about 19. So it made no sense. No, it makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't spent much time in America.

Oh, my. Yeah. So but I can't remember how many. Yeah, there's more hunks than foxes. I many. Yeah, there's more hunks than foxes. I think there are more hunks than foxes. Is that because too many women are working out for bulk? Yeah, absolutely. It's a very, you know, it's a very hunk-inducing atmosphere.

They just have the one performance track and they're trying to put everyone in there. Exactly. And just what happens is the women start working out for bulk. going to put everyone in there. Exactly. And just what happens is the women start working out for bulk. Yeah. Is there something now that you – so you're kind of – you're American.

You're here kind of for an indeterminate amount of time, right? Yes. I'll probably be going back in August. Okay. Yeah. Is there something you cannot get here that you would like? Oh. I'm offering to go to Australia to get it for you.

Oh, you mean an Australian thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Like a food item. Vegemite. I do really want Vegemite. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I don't know where to find it here. You've got a lot of coconut oil.

Okay. But I can't find Vegemite. What is Vegemite based on? It's like a... And how is it different from Marmite? It is just nicer. Okay. It's nicer.

It's just also it's like a You have to wear a hat because of its spider bite. That's true. It's thicker and darker than Marmite. Marmite's kind of got a translucent quality. Whereas like Vegemite is black as night and you won't be able to see through it. And to me, because it's the taste I grew up with, I love it and I long for it.

And I don't know what to put on my toast in the morning. Can I ask you a question? Is it true that some comedians that we know here in the United States as not being particularly famous are what I call Australia famous, specifically Arch Barker? Yes. Arch Barker famous in Australia. That's 100% true. Yeah, that's very true.

Because he does the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I think he has a house in Byron Bay. I wonder if I'm revealing terribly personal details. I think that's fine. You know, just say the address and we'll see how it goes. And so he does those. And so you build up and he builds up an audience there every year and he goes on TV all the time. And he'll do panel shows and late night talk shows.

There was a couple of guys. When we were in the UK, there was a couple of guys that Colin Anderson, our friend and colleague, the producer of International Waters, said to me like, oh, you'll be so excited. We'd go out to a show to see our friend Josie Long or something. You'd be so excited that blah, blah, blah, the great American comedian. Blimp Lisbon is on the show. He's a famous American comedian. And I have no idea who this person is at all.

But he is American. That's verified. I remember some of them being funny. I mean, look, we know Arj Barker a little bit. He's from San Francisco. And back when we used to do comedy stuff in the Bay Area a little bit when we were in college and just out of college, you know, Arj was still around San Francisco. And he's as funny as it gets. I mean, I wish he was funny in the United States.

Yeah. I think he just goes where he wants to go because he's a free spirit. Yeah, I believe that. And he can do comedy wherever. I think Byron Bay really suits him. Byron Bay is like a relaxed beach town. It's a hippie vibe. I hear there's a lot of intrigue, though.

Yes. Like relationship stuff, a lot of roiling intergenerational stuff. Various Hemsworths. I am roiling intergenerational. I cannot comment on that at all. But I think he does very well or

he did in the past. Because I haven't seen him for years. Yeah. Well, I think he's great. You mentioned hippies over there. Are your hippies comparable to ours? I haven't met any of yours. I mean I've seen Forrest Gump. Okay.

Do you think Forrest Gump is a hippie? Yeah. So your hippies are a lot like Forrest Gump. Oh, that's right. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Jenny is definitely a hippie.

And Gump goes out with her. That's true. Okay. Gump. He's known in the film. Sure. They call him Gump. Yeah with her. That's true. Okay. Gump. He's known in the film. Sure. I call him Gump. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. But that tracks to you. Like those are. Oh, it tracks hard. Yeah. Yeah. Cool.

Yeah. Great. Claudio Doherty's funny. Yeah. But you guys have like marijuana and hacky sacks and drum circles and stuff like that. And what is the thing where it's like two sticks? Oh, devil sticks. Devil sticks.

That's three sticks. Oh, I don't know. You're thinking of two sticks with an addition. You're holding two sticks, but you're hitting a third stick. Yeah. You're flipping. Yeah, that's devil sticks. Sure.

Yeah, we've got all of those dumb things. Oh, nice. That's great. Okay. Yeah, it sounds like that's something that transcends nationality. Well, let's talk a little bit about Los Angeles because you've been here for a month or so. Yes. A month and a half maybe.

Tell me a little bit about what strikes you about America. Okay. Here are the things. Number one. Well, I – Movie characters have cool names. Movie characters have cool names. Movie characters have cool names. You know, it's nice to see the location from the car race from Greece.

Right. Because that, it's the Los Angeles River, right? That obviously is in film and television all the time. And as a kid, you don't know... The big motorcycle chase from T2. Oh, yeah, of course. As a kid, it was like, what is that terrible place? Yeah, what is that thing?

That looks horrible. I remember that, too. I remember thinking, like, what is that? What? Yeah. Yeah. And so it's just that thing that everyone does their movies in. Right.

So that's really cool to get to finally meet the Los Angeles River. Right. And go, oh, it's the river? Right. It's a river. It's a river. What else has struck me?

The weather. It reminds me very much of Sydney. So that's not a big difference. And I've been living in London for the last two years. So that is a true pleasure for me to enjoy that. I can only imagine.

I wear some of my summer threads. Sure. Well, you're wearing a nice jumper right now. That's right. Thank you. Romper? Jumper. Romper.

Romper? Romper. I don't know. She's wearing a jumper, the kind that inflates with air and children bounce inside, also known as a bounce castle. Well, in Australia, a jumper is a sweater. Yeah. I said jumper, but I meant romper.

I think it's just like whatever you're doing in it. The outfit becomes- It's a sitter – are you doing more jumping or – I'm wearing a sitter. Right. You're wearing a podcaster. Yeah. Right now I'm wearing a crying on the insider. What else has struck me?

I tell you what everyone in L.A. loves to do. Talk about movies. That is a – Really? It's weird because it's like – We didn't just talk about that for 45 minutes. Everybody likes movies. That is a... Really? It's weird because it's like... We didn't just talk about that for 45 minutes. Everybody likes movies. That's great.

Everyone... That is a great... In the world, everyone likes movies, so you can talk about movies to people, but there is an intensity to the way people talk about movies here that is weird. From Manila to Bombay, now known as Mumbai, people love to talk about movies. They love to talk about movies. But the way they talk about movies here is it's more reverent and intense. Yeah.

Well, that's why people vote for Oscars for movies that are about how great movies are. Yes. It is pretty strange to have a town that is exclusively about show business. And I know that is essentially why I'm here as well. But it is crazy. I think that the way people talk about movies here in Los Angeles is why people think it was like a really good idea for Inglourious Bastards, a movie about World War II, Nazis, and the extermination of multiple entire peoples to end with a metaphor that's basically about how great movies are. How great and important movies are.

Yeah, movies are really important to you guys here in America. No, here in Los Angeles. Yeah. Yes. You know, something I've been noticing lately is the, like, something that I have been having a hard time with is the – is the – like people's vitriol toward OK movies. And that's something that might be a Los Angeles specific thing that's going on. Do you think that's because there's a glut of OK movies?

I don't know. I mean I think it's that wanting to have an opinion. I think that's more what it is. That's more like fuck spider-man 2 you know like i really do feel that strongly about how bad spider-man don't like spider-man 2 people hate oh the new spider-man 2 yeah just like stuff like that just like amazing spider-man like how how you know yeah that's because i loved regular spider-man 2 sure uh it was called that wasn't it regular regular spider-man it was weird at the time, but I think they knew they were going to have to reboot it. Well, they were setting things up for later.

I mean, they make Bibles for these things. Sure, exactly. They have a long game in mind. So, yeah, that's been something that I've kind of had a hard time. These are conversations I've had a hard time sitting through is people getting rage-filled about a movie that's just okay. But I think that's what it is. I think that's what it is. Like everyone else around me is having a strong opinion.

Mine needs to be stronger. And it's getting really crazy. And I'm like, you guys aren't having any fun anymore. Yeah. Anyway. What do you guys do for fun in Los Angeles? Hacky sack. Devil sticks.

Mainly the devil sticks Marijuana Yeah Cool Unicycle I have a Yeah Mountain unicycle

So I do that Wow That is a cool way To get around It is Ultimate I play a lot of ultimate Ultimate yeah

What is ultimate Ultimate frisbee Yeah well that's a little Reductive Jesse Well It's a I call it ultimate Because

Frisbee's a brand Jesse Frisbee's a brand So it's a disc sport Uh huh It's a little reductive, Jesse. Well, it's a, it's a, I call it ultimate because it's a brand. It's a brand. So it's a disc sport. It's a really cool disc sport. And there's no, there's no officials. So it's just kind of governed by the group. Like if the group thinks there's a foul, it's like a lot of the flies.

It's a self policing. Yeah. And then, yeah, we like to murder. We always murder one at the end as kind of a metaphor. Right. Yeah. Great. Kill the hipp kind of a metaphor. Right. Yeah.

Great. Kill the hippie. Sure. Split her throat. Yes. Spill her blood. Here's another difference. You guys have coyotes.

Oh, yeah. And how? Yeah, big time. They're everywhere. That's cool. You get a lot of those guys, huh? Foxes in London. Very magical.

Very exciting. There was a fox family living in my backyard. Oh, that's fun. Are they dangerous at all? Thrilling. They have been known to bite a baby or two. Okay. You've got to bite a baby or two when you're a fox.

It's true. I've got a lesson for you, Oliver. You've got to bite a baby or two is what the foxes do sometimes. If they just go into your house, just don't let them in the house. And if they're in your house, can I just say, if they're in your house, in a different room than the baby or just put the baby up high, like on top of a shelf. Yes. Because, yeah, I mean, who doesn't want a house full of foxes? Only a real turkey.

Yeah, right? Do you guys have foxes? You guys have foxes here, though, too, right? But not in Los Angeles. Right. Not in Los Angeles. There may be foxes in, like, Griffith Park. There might be some Griffith Park foxes.

Maybe some kind of fox that lives there. Don't you think a coyote would kill a fox? You're making a really emphatic gesture here. Like a karate chop gesture. Like get right up in there. Yeah, I think a coyote could take a fox and I'll tell you why. Have either of you guys ever touched a coyote or fought one? I've waved my arms so one would go away before.

So I guess that's like a fight. That's like us having a duel. It's the beginning of a fight. Man versus nature.'s like a fight. That's like us having a duel. It's the beginning of a fight. Man versus nature. You won the fight. And I won the fight. Because I'm bigger and I can wave my arms really fast. I own a coyote that I enter in illegal coyote fights

for wagering. Does that what you mean when you say fight a coyote? Could you dress your coyote as a chicken and enter it into illegal chicken fights? I think you would win if you did that. I mean, I do enter them into illegal chicken fights, but the coyote is sitting on my shoulders and we're in a public pool.

That's it. You ever do that? Chicken fights where you sit on someone's shoulders? Oh, yeah. That was real good, Jordan. That was real fun. It was a fun little bit. That was real fun. It's fun. That was a fun little bit. A fun little bit. Yeah.

I don't know. I enjoy seeing a coyote, being a little bit afraid of it, and then watching it cower. Because then I feel like... It makes you feel like a big man. Yeah. You make them cower? Oh, totally. Oh, my God.

Because I wave my arms so fast. They're like, oh, man, I'm getting out of here. Okay. Look at that guy wave his arms. Some of these coyotes in my neighborhood, they're not taking any mess from anybody. Maybe you're just not waving your arms fast enough. Maybe you're not making yourself appear large enough. You think it's about speed?

I think it's about speed. It's about, yeah, it's just about appearance, how you carry yourself. So you think that this, once again, you think this goes back to my posture. Yeah. Jordan, I'm not signing up for you. And grammar. Jordan, I am not signing up for your Alexander Technique class. If your enunciation.

Over and over you asked me to sign up for your Alexander Technique. If you just would speak more clearly, the coyotes would run away. If you just would speak more clearly, the coyotes would run away. Oh, I did it wrong. That's okay. It's okay. You're a foreigner. It's true.

You'll learn our customs soon enough. I got to learn that one. That's the main one I want to learn. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Claudia O'Doherty, guest for the day. Or evening, depending on when you at home are listening. Yeah. Our sponsors this week on the program. I like to listen at twilight. Jordan. What? Now you're just being willfully difficult sorry can i listen is it okay with you if i listen to the show during twilight no when i'm feeling that my most erotic

no because when my erotic powers are at their mightiest those sexy supernatural creatures are going to be a distraction yeah we want you focused on the audio content. We don't want you taking a look at those gentlemen from the movie whose name I don't remember. Wait, what? What are we talking about? Twilight. Oh, okay. Yeah. VG Kids, a sponsor on this week's program.

VG Kids do all our printing. They're a full-service screen printing company specializing in silk screen, rock posters, art prints, and wedding invitations, custom apparel with specialty inks, eco-friendly record packaging, vinyl stickers, and full-color digital printing. They're basically big or small. They print almost everything. VGKids.com is their website. And if you go there and mention that you heard about them on Jordan Jesse Go you get 10% off

yeah all you gotta do is just tell them Jordan Jesse Go sent you and they'll give you they'll give you a solid 10 get over there you know what

I say browbeat them a little bit maybe they'll make it 11 I'm just saying yeah it's not a guarantee I haven't talked to the folks at VGKids about this

do a little browbeating but I say beat around the brow a little Yeah. It's not a guarantee. I haven't talked to the folks at VG Kids about this. Do a little brow beating. But I say beat around the brow a little. It's always a good policy. Sure. When you're starting a business relationship, you always want to brow beat a little. Oh, yeah. Up top. Immediately.

We've also got something up on the Jumbotron this week, Jordan. This is from the Steel City Improv Theater in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. They are a home for long-form improv comedy and they have five level one, eight-week intro to improv classes and you can register for them right now. They start in August. You go to steelcityimprov.com slash classes

and you use offer code JJGO and you register for your class today. Yeah, you get the 50 bucks off if you use JJGO for any of their eight-week classes. Steel City Improv in Pittsburgh, which is in the great state of Pennsylvania. A lot of folks don't know that. Now they do. Knowing is half the battle.

Transformers, robots in disguise. Anyway. If you want to sponsor a future episode of Jordan, Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's cheap, fast and easy for a single episode to share your message. If you're an actual Jordan, Jesse, go listener, go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron. We'll be back in just a minute on Jordan, Jesse. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Sorry. Sorry. No one told me that that was a thing that was going to be happening in the show. We've done it three times.

Do I have to point you every time? Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, you do. Yeah. I apologize. I apologize to you. Thank you for laying down the law. Yeah.

If there's anything else we can do to make you more comfortable, to make the show go more smoothly, let us know. I apologize to the president of Australiaralia the hemsworth brothers and i that lovely opera house i apologize to that legendary opera house and i apologize to the t-shirt that my grandparents brought me when i was five that said my grandparents went to australia and all i got was this stupid t-shirt it would say stupid or lousy lousy lousy okay they also brought me back a joke book of fun australian jokes that turned out to be racist oh against the maori against the chinaman ah which was a word that was in it that i used at a friend's house uh who was

half chinese oh man i was like seven. I'm going to say seven. Seven years old, eight years old. That's cool. It was pretty fun. Yeah, definitely. I definitely remember a few times in childhood have heard a racist joke and then just wanting to tell a joke and then not knowing it was racist until I told it in mixed company. I think I said kraut.

I think I said kraut at like a family dinner or something because I just wanted to tell a joke. The one – my one saving grace is the content of the joke was not racist. Thank God. Can you tell the joke? It wasn't a joke. Just instead of saying China men say boomerang. I can say it with Chinese person. OK. I can say it with Chinese person. Okay. Okay.

So a Chinese person, an English person, and a Scottish person were in a hot air balloon traveling over the British Isles. And as they were passing over Scotland, the Scottish person looked out on the landscape and said, ah, my beautiful Scotland. And then as they passed down into England, the English person said, oh, my beautiful England. And then the Chinese person threw their dishes overboard and said, oh, my beautiful China. Ah. That's pretty good.

Not bad. But very racist. Very racist. But if you use an outdated word. So I guess what I'm saying is, Claudia, your country really burned me. Yeah. On that one. Or did your grandparents burn you?

Combo. Yeah. Combo platter. Yeah. The tag team burning. Yeah. Jesse's parentsbo platter. Yeah. A tag team burning. Yeah. Jesse's parents and the nation of Australia. If something momentous happens to you, our listener, like say you accidentally tell a racist joke at a party, a dinner gathering with your childhood friend's parents, and then they won't let him come over to your house anymore tony mccauley um

then uh we ask that you call us at 206-984-tony mccauley is the least chinese name of all time how are you to know he was half chinese and half italian if i remember correctly uh 206-984-4-fun 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number to call. Tony McCauley was a nice guy, and he had TurboGrafx and a Sega Master System. Pretty good, Tony McCauley. Yeah. What kind of disease did he have? He got two video game systems.

I don't know. He always wore a hat. Impossible to tell. Sure. Probably a big spider bite underneath there. Put it, folks, if you're out there and you haven't put the Jordan Jesse Go phone number into your phone, I'm giving you a chance to do it right now. You're probably listening on your phone.

This is 2014. You're not listening on your Creative Lab Zen player. You know what I mean? Maybe you should send out an email with the number. To who? To President Barack Obama and have him let everybody know? He'll forward it to everybody in America. Or to your president, the Helmsworth brothers.

I mean, both would be good. Sherman Helmsley. Because it's a global. What if Sherman Helmsley was the president of Australia? That would be really fun. That would be unusual. It would be unusual. It would be unusual. It would be fun because he'd bring his unique brand of fast-talking inner-city comedy to the August halls of Australia's Capitol building.

It's true. Do you have a Capitol building? Yeah. What do you got, a parliamentary democracy? Yeah. In Canberra is where it mainly is our Washington, D.C. I've been to Washington, D.C. It was cool.

Washington, D.C. is pretty cool. I like Washington. I think Washington – my mom is from Washington, D.C. So I have some nice family memories. But like we've gone back for shows and stuff like that. I've never been to Washington, D.C. Really? Yeah.

Maybe I've only done bullseyes in Washington, D.C. But basically like Washington, D.C. is full of tourist bullshit. But, like, almost all of the tourist bullshit is pretty great. Like, all of the Smithsonian is totally great. Yeah. Like, the Lincoln Memorial is totally great. The Vietnam Memorial is totally great. Like, Washington, D.C. is pretty great.

And it's got a lot of stuff from Forrest Gump. Yeah. It's mainly like Gump stuff. Is there a Bubba Gump shrimp there? I'd say so. I figure there's a couple. Yeah. I've never been to one of those.

How are they? Are they good? It's probably America's best restaurant. Right. Well, Momofuku. Yeah. Number one. Planet Hollywood, number two.

Number three, Bubba Gump shrimp. Well, I don't know. Number one. Planet Hollywood, number two. Number three, Bubba Gump Shrimp. Well, I don't know. Per se. It might be per se. Number three, French Laundry, number four. Number five, Bubba Gump Shrimp. Okay. Number six through like 250 or so is going to be Applebee's.

There's a lot of Applebee's. There's only the one Bubba G Cub Shrimp as far as I know. I think they're all over the place. No, I think there's only one because every time I... I've been in it... Oh, because you can't

get a table. I think it moves around. I think they move it around. Oh, it's like a pop-up thing. Sure. Yeah. It's one of those cool pop-up ones.

Like cool fusion-y pop-up. It's like a cool fusion pop-up. Can I ask you guys, before we get into our momentous occasions, can I ask you one Washington, D.C. question?

Yes. I have never been. I don't know if you guys read magazines or other periodicals. Occasionally. Or surf internet. Yes. But— I subscribe to Swank. Sure.

I've been noticing a lot or have been in any airports lately. There are a lot of advertisements for Washington, D.C. And the slogan for Washington, D.C. is D.C. cool. And it just it's pictures of like D.C. talk. It's pictures of Mr. T from the movie D.C. Cab. talk 30 it's pictures of mr t from the movie dc cab it's pictures of like hip 30-ish year old but not actually hip like sort of they look like i don't know like they look like characters on a network television show kind of thing like they're sort of dressed like they were on How I Met Your Mother maybe. But they're like –

Like they're in a car insurance ad aimed at young people. Yeah, but not that young. Like people with – like lawyers. Okay. Like hip lawyers. Yeah. Like lawyers but they like to go out. Are they wearing suits?

Like hip lawyers. Like lawyers that like – but they like to go out. Are they wearing suits? They're wearing like – like the guy is wearing like a hip suit with no tie if I remember correctly. And it's all like – it's all kind of monochromatic with a bluish tone. Again, this is from memory. And it is the least appealing single advertisement I've ever seen in my entire life, not to mention the least convincing. Like it is so bad at conveying the message that like there's no thing worse that you could do to convince someone that something is cool than to have that thing say to you,

I am cool. than to have that thing say to you, I am cool. Like who approved the outlay on this? Yeah, I think it was probably just like the Chamber of Commerce met. They're like, well, we're having a problem with tourism. We get a lot of older people. We need cool people. We need those hard drinking, gastropubbytype young people to come in with all their disposable income. Get the dinks in here, they said.

Tell them it's cool. And then, yeah, there's like we need something to convey that DC is cool. And then the person just wrote down that. And then for some reason it went to print. Was the line DC is cool or DC cool? I think the line is just DC cool. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. DC-O-O-L or DC DC cool? I think the line is just DC cool. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

DC-O-O-L or DC space cool? DC space C-O-O-L. Which I just – I spent a lot – I just lived there for two summers. Why? Spent a lot of time there because my mom's from there it's a great place I might even say that elements of it are cool

not so much the white people but why did you point at me when you said white people? you know like you asshole yes I'm white finally I can be honest

with the listeners I know I've I've put on the cool persona of a swinging Filipino. I saw David Byrne's Filipino musical in New York. It was great. Oh, cool. Wait, David Byrne has a Filipino musical? Yeah, he wrote a musical about Imelda Marcos.

And so the entire cast is Filipino, and it's about the Philippines and Imelda Marcos. It's great. That sounds fun. I've never seen a Pinoy musical spectacular, and Ielda Marcos it's great that sounds fun I've never I've never seen a Pinoy musical spectacular and I think I might enjoy it it was great it's called

Here Lies Love it's at the Public Theatre go check it out who's the star is it just Apple D. App or is it Apple D. App and Friends

it was it was an understudy because apparently there was a very bad virus in the car so everybody had swapped roles. Is it my friend Mike Espino

from high school? Yeah, he was there. What a beautiful voice. My friend Maria Calpito that lives on the first floor. Yeah, she was fantastic. These are Filipinos we know. We're racist by the way. It's called a Philippine man.

They threw all the Philippines over the side of the balloon. My Philippines. Anyway, if you see a DC Cool advertisement in a magazine, just remember, Jesse gave you the tools to see through the bullshit. I know. You were probably convinced. Do you think that the original advertising artwork for DC Cool Spots just featured the Capitol steps? Right, yeah. With Mark Russell.

With accompanying piano by Mark Russell. It's just Bob Dole in a wheelchair raising a finger like flapper style. Yeah. I should hope so. It's an animated GIF, by the way. So wait. I'm sorry. We need to move on. We should not talk GIF, by the way. So wait. I'm sorry. We need to move on.

We should not talk that much more about the advertisement. Right. Were there other pictures of like food or cocktails or zip lining? Were there any women in the ad or was it just like one lawyer having a cool time? It's just one lonely man. That's what Washington, D.C. is. This is cool. One sad man in a suit that took his tie off.

That makes sense. It was, no, it's like a club scene, but like a loungy club scene. An after work kind of club? Yeah, because everybody in D.C. works hard, but they also play medium. Right. I'd say medium. Well, from that show, House of Cards, they play very hard. They murder and they screw.

That is what they do. That's how they play. It's probably – And they speak right to camera. My best guess is – I do declare. It's very much like that, isn't it? There's no music in the advertisement, obviously, because it's a print advertisement.

And there's no outward signs, but I have to presume they're at a Go-Go concert. They're at the Go-Go, and they're probably doing Da Butt. That's my best guess. My best guess is that they're doing Da Butt. Probably. Okay, let's take our first call.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and possible guests. This is Thomas from Surprise, Arizona. So last week, this is my moment. So last week, I came out of the closet as gay, finally. I'm 24 years old. Yeah, finally. And I'm driving home right now from where I just lost my virginity. So, yeah, a little bit momentous.

So, thanks, guys. Well, first of all, congratulations. Yeah, way to go. That is really great, awesome news. Congratulations to you. Number two, just if anyone else is listening out there, you're not required to do it in that order. anyone else is listening out there you you're not required to do it in that order so you can have furtive homosexual relations before you come out if there's some impediment to you coming out sure it doesn't have you can secretly for a long time people just you know so you don't have to

wait you can if you're waiting for love if if you're waiting for a commitment, if you're just waiting, if you just want to do it in that order because it feels right. Is this because you're sort of promoting like a sort of like a forbidden, a forbidden excitement? Let me tell you this, Claudia. Yes, in the sense that Jordan and I do have a business idea, which is a pre-Stonewall themed gay bar. Right. Where it's none of the actual danger of being a homosexual in the pre-Stonewall era. But you get a lot of the fun of the furtiveness.

So you like dress in a tie. Right. And the rule is, and our listeners know this, you bring a newspaper and you can do anything you want behind the newspaper. Oh, okay. So everybody wears a nice, puts on a nice coat and tie, sit down, maybe black and white tile floor. It's a cool, good, easy to clean up. It's a cool, classy- Oh yeah, this place is going to be covered in jizz. it's a cool, good, easy to clean up. It's a good, like it's a cool, classy.

Oh yeah, this place is going to be covered in jizz. It's a cool, classy place. But like, but also it has that secret. It's on the down low. It has that secret thrill. Right. I've got a business idea. But I just want to say for this guy, I do want to hear your business idea.

For this guy, I'm glad for both of those things. I just wouldn't want... I just want people to be able to have sex when they want. That's what I want. Claudia, business idea? Oh, my business idea is a hotel for dogs. So it's a hotel... It's a movie.

Now hear me out. It's a movie. Now hear me out. It's a movie. But it's – well, it's dogs and cats and any pets really. But each room has like a pet assigned to it that lives there and is cared for. But if you're like a lonely businessman or woman and every time – let's say the hotel is in San Francisco. Every time you go, you're like, I'll take Judy's room please. And that's like Judy, the cat, lives in that room. You get to have a cool pet

for the duration of your stay. Oh, I like that. So it's a hotel for humans, for dogs. For humans, but it's like... It's more of a hotel with dogs. Yeah, that's true. Because I think if you said... Oh, in the title of the business,

Hotel for Dogs, when I say dogs, a hotel for dogs. Hotel for dogs. When I say dogs, I mean business people. Right. Gotcha. Okay. Now the pieces are going together. Would you be able to request a breed? I think you could.

Well, it's like there would be like a certain group of animals who live there. They've got their room. And are you just doing dogs and cats or are you doing like a ferret, like a gerbil, like reptiles? No birds. Okay. Because I just don't think birds want to be kept in cages. Sure. You think they should be able to fly? Exactly. It's got to spread its wings and fly. I'm with Claudia. I'm pretty anti-rat

so I'm going to say no rats. You can teach them tricks. I know, but they also want to go on your face. So that's pretty bad. Yeah. Have you seen that clip of the rat in the subway in New York? It was like there's a rat in a – It does go on someone's face.

It does go on someone's face. No, no. There's a man asleep and there's a rat on – and the rat's like, uh-oh, I'm on the train. And someone's just filming this with their camera phone. Yeah, camera phone. Everyone's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, trying to get out of the way of the rat. And the rat's just like, whoa, uh-oh. And then the rat's like, I know whoa, whoa, trying to get out of the way of the rat. And the rat's just like, whoa, uh-oh. And then the rat's like, I know.

I'll go up there. And the sleeping man just runs up his leg and onto his face. And then he wakes up with a rat on his face. That's not great, is it? No. So now we know. So you're worried that that might happen in the hotel. Yeah.

No rats in this hotel. If that happened, I would imagine that you would get complaints. Yeah, I think so. But at the same time, that person's chosen the rat room. Yeah, so they know what they're getting into. They know it'll probably go on their face. If I had rat rooms, I would put them in a rat wing. I would be careful not to mix them up with the kitty cat rooms.

Oh, boy. Then you're going to have some problems. Blood bath. Yeah. Yeah. But if you want the blood bathroom, if you want a room where two edibles fight to the death. Then I would say, yeah, you asked for the coyote room. Yeah.

Oh, do you say coyote or coyote? Right. Coyote? Anything. You can just say it however. Coyote would be the, that's the fun Old West way of saying it. Coyote would be the proper Spanish pronunciation. And coyote would be the American pronunciation.

The classic American pronunciation. Great. I have a concern about this gay dude. Okay. Maybe I am imposing heterosexual norms onto him. And if I'm doing that, I'm sorry. I don't mean to. him and if I'm doing that, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to. I guess I was a little bit concerned that he's driving away from this sexual experience and not like staying the night. But it might be the next day. Yeah, maybe you're right. I guess I was just you know, his call I guess I assumed he had just done it.

He did seem short of breath. Yeah. And super relaxed. Yeah. Super chill. I just hope it was nice and I think he sounds pretty upbeat about everything. So that's great. He does really sound upbeat about it. I think that's the clincher here.

Sure. I feel like when it comes to losing your virginity, you really want it to be something that you feel confident afterwards you're going to feel upbeat about. Sure. Right? Don't you feel like that's the number one thing? Like you just – you want to know – you want to have some confidence that at the end of it, you're going to be like, yeah, that was the right thing. I sure lost my virginity. That's my recommendation to young people.

Yeah. I guess I always don't want to... I guess I wouldn't want him to have felt pressured to leave because he thought it wasn't cool to have post-sex intimacy or something like that. Anyway. Maybe he was trying to be too chill about it. Like he was super chill? I don't know if you guys know this. He called a podcast though to

commemorate it. He did call a podcast. That's not that chill. It's great. Yeah. But he knows that that's an important thing to do. Yeah. He just has priorities straight. He has priorities straight.

I would be more okay if he's like, hey, I'm in the bathroom. Yeah. I just got done boning down for the first time. Has anybody ever come out as a momentous occasion before? Yeah. We've had a couple. I like that. It's great. Yeah. We'll take those. Good for you. It's great. People that come out as a momentous occasion before uh yeah we've had a couple i like it's great yeah we'll take those good for you great people that come out anyway next call hi jordan jesse and

guest uh this is hillary i love you guys this show um i am calling with a momentous occasion uh i was just a dentist as you might be able to hear from my voice and i wanted something to distract myself so I decided to put on some Burn Jesse Go and in the middle of a filling I started to laugh so hard that I almost swallowed the cotton and almost died. They asked would I please not listen to any more podcasts or any more dental procedures so that's definitely happening. Love you guys.

Bye. You should. No, fuck that dentist. You listen to whatever you want to. I'm sick of these dentists getting in the way of our listenership. That is a big problem. You know why we're not bigger, Jesse? You know why we're not out there, you know, selling out?

A lot of people think it's because we don't have a catchy premise. Sure. Some people think it's because we're not famous in other fields, so people don't trust us. They don't want to try the show. Some people think it's simply a're not famous in other fields. So people don't trust us. They don't want to try the show. Some people think it's simply a matter of the quality of our program. It's not good. Some people. Maybe it's just people coming up with funny nonsense names and then laughing about them.

Yeah. Like some people say that problem. But the real problem lies with America's professional class and specifically its mouth-centric professional class, by which I mean dentists. Dentists. I'm looking at you, too, ear, nose, and throat. You're not off the hook, Dr. DeSoto. Yeah.

Are you ripping out... I'm a fictional mouse dentist. What? Dr. DeSoto. I don't... Yeah, I guess I just thought that was your ear, nose, and throat doctor. Oh, no, no.

Is that a famous mouse? That's a famous mouse dentist. Hmm. Anyway. Does he only work on mice or's a famous mouse dentist. Hmm. Anyway. Does he only work on mice or humans? Has no one here ever read Dr. DeSoto? No, I have no idea what you're talking about. Well, the good news is

if you go on reddit.com slash r slash maximum fun on Monday when this show comes out, there's going to be a fucking torrent of support for Jesse alluding to Dr. DeSoto. I'm not saying I don't support you. I just don't know. You don't support me.

You don't support me. Are you calling me a filthy dentist? You don't support me when I talk about Dr. DeSoto. You didn't support me when I decided I wanted to go to medical school. That's true. You didn't support me when I was having that really hard time dealing, fighting a lot with my parents. You didn't support me. Yeah, that was on you.

I felt like that was all you. You didn't support me. You didn't support me that one time when we went to the staff retreat and I did that trust fall and I fell on the ground. Okay, that wasn't like a conscious decision. I was just too drunk. Okay, that wasn't like a conscious decision. I was just too drunk. You're not supposed to get drunk until the trust falls first, drunk after.

Well, now I know. That was literally written on the sign. On the sign outside of the retreat, it said MaximumFun.org staff retreat. Is it just you two at the retreat? Yeah. Right. Who else are we going to? Lindsay's not invited to the retreat. Of course not. Sorry. Yeah. It's for members of the

staff who also have staff infections. And we've both had staff infections. We've both had staff infections at the time. Okay. Back to filthy dentists. Yes. I'm sick of dentists. This is the reason that we are languishing in the mid-tier popularity of podcasts is because dentists are is the reason that we are languishing in the mid-tier of popularity of

podcasts is because dentists are upper mid-tier upper mid-tier depending depending on if there's how many lower upper tier lower upper tier we are languishing in the lower upper mid-tier right because dentists are ripping our podcast out of the ears of potential fans. Right. It's like. Because they just don't want them to swallow cotton. You know who else. Which I'm all for. You know who else probably hates us? Jerry Seinfeld because he's on all those posters at all those dentist's offices.

Oh, boy. What posters? They're about how much he loves flossing. Which he does do because he's a very fastidious man. Yeah. He's a careful man. Very clean man. Jerry Seinfeld is very's a very fastidious man he's a careful man Jerry Seinfeld is very clean very fastidious

that's why he's got such nice choppers looks great Jerry Seinfeld how often do you guys floss? twice a week I'm going to say four times a week for a long time I didn't floss at all but in the last few years I made a concerted effort.

I'm going to floss. Yeah, it's really important. What about you? Every day? Maybe like three times a year. Oh, wow. It's not good. It's good.

You just get the stuff out of there. It's like a seasonal thing. When you've had a nice blackberry steak. Exactly. It's like changing the air filter on your HVAC system. I wish I was better at it. It's just changing the air filter on your HVAC system. I wish I was better at it. It's just so boring. Have you ever thought about using one of those ones that looks like a little sword?

Yeah. To me, they're too floppy. They're too bendy. They're a little too floppy. I think my teeth are too close to each other to make that kind of thing work. I like the one that looks like a – I don't know what that even looks like. It's like it's got like a pick and it's got like a little...

It's like across it like a bow. Yeah. Yeah, that one. Like a little bow. Like a bow and arrow bow. Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. It's like they took it and they...

Because I don't want to wrap up my fingers and... No. Such a waste of the floss. Nobody wants that except fucking dentists. Look at, they want us to waste floss. You know what? They don't want people to listen to our podcast. You know what?

You know what we need to focus on? Hmm. Doctors, especially, specifically, what's a doctor that anesthesiologists? We got to focus on anesthesiologists. A doctor of the anus? Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Just doctor of the anus? Yeah. Exactly. Just jam this show right up in there.

See what happens. It's called Sounding. I'm sorry. That's when you put a podcast up here. You're rethrowing. Excuse me. Yeah. I think that what we should do,

we should get anesthesiologists to play Jordan Jesse Go when people are out cold, when they have no control over themselves, when they're totally helpless. We play Jordan Jesse Go so it implants inside their subconscious mind.

And they come out, and they find themselves saying, you know, Joe Rogan's a little too aggressive for me. I know he's famous and I'm familiar with him. I like that about him. But his show's a little too aggressive.

I wish there was a sillier alternative. That's us. You know what I mean? Thank you, anesthesiologists. They find themselves thinking, I'd like to move down from the upper, upper tier to the lower, upper tier. Who's Joe Rogan? He's a popular comedian.

Right. He's pretty aggro. Right. But he's great on news radio. He is a very, very popular podcaster. He was on news radio. Yeah. He was Joe.

Joe on news radio. I remember. It's like sort of the hunk of news radio. Yeah. Those buns. Rogan's buns. Absolutely. Yeah.

He's got powerful buns. Yeah. So that's our target. Rogan's buns. Absolutely. Yeah, he's got powerful buns. Yeah, so that's our target. I think that's our target. Let's take our next call. Problem solved, by the way, Jordan. P.S. You're welcome. Merry Christmas.

Hi, Jordan. Jesse Go. My name is Gordon. I had a momentous occasion last week. It was early in the morning. I went to use the toilet, the sitting down kind, and the seat wasn't down, which caused me on my way down to flail. And I knocked at the top of the toilet tank into the bottom of the toilet tank where it took a big chunk out. The toilet tank emptied out

all of the floor. The toilet continued to fill and fill. We didn't know how to stop that. I didn't know about the toilet valve behind the toilet, so I ran down into the basement. I didn't know where the main water shutoff was, so I was running around the basement as the water flooded from my second floor bathroom into the first floor below their kitchen and their bathroom and then eventually down into the basement. their kitchen and their bathroom, and then eventually down into the basement. So once I finally got that all figured out, we mopped up the basement, and we had a plumber come and reinstall the toilet by 10 a.m.

And so that's what can happen when you use your bathroom early in the morning. Get your new tank by 10 a.m. that day. Thanks a lot. Love the show. Bye-bye. Okay, so here's my reaction to this call. Number one, we thank the caller for calling, as always. Oh, yeah.

Initially, I'm enjoying it. Initially, I'm concerned... It's got a fun slapstick vibe to it. Initially, I'm concerned it's going to be scatological, which is a type of momentous occasion I don't typically enjoy. Yeah.

Sexual, pornographic, yes. Scatological, not so much. I just don't like the pee and poop stuff. But toilet, literal toilet, yes, I do like that. Any fixture, really, you're on board with. When he fell into the toilet, and I imagine his – and butts. I think butts are funny. So when his butt goes into the toilet, then I'm thinking this is pretty good.

It really picks up. And as you said, it gets slapsticky. I enjoyed it. Then it takes a turn for the tragic because he doesn't know how to turn off the water and his house is being ruined. And now I feel bad for enjoying the fact that this poor man bare minimum has to file an insurance claim. And that's bare minimum. He may have had priceless memories destroyed when he hit his head on the broken toilet. Then it comes back and I figure out he's going to get somebody to put in a new toilet because

he just broke this toilet. But in my head, I'm assuming, and this is on me, Japanese toilet. Now, does that excite you? One of those like talking Japanese toilets that encourages you? Oh, it's an opportunity to upgrade to a Japanese toilet. Hey, I mean, have you ever used slash pleasured yourself with a Japanese toilet? No, I've never had the honor. These toilets are absolutely delightful.

They have them in other places besides Japan now. There's a Korean homeware store where we live right – we're recording right now next to Koreatown. I go into the Korean homeware store sometimes because it's where my watch repair guy is. And they sell Korean toilets, have many of the same functions as Japanese toilets. Our toilets are the ones that are behind. What's the pleasure element? Squirt your butt with nice warm water. Oh, okay.

It's a lovely feeling. And then it dries it off with a... Will that... Of air. Cause... Oh, okay. Is it as powerful as an air blade, as a Dyson air blade? No, it's not that powerful. I mean, that truly would.

I was skeptical at first. That would pleasure even the one's prostate. But I have, yeah, I have such a hard time getting my butt up to the hand dryer. Right. If it was just something in the toilet. Yeah. I was skeptical. I'm like, who needs it? Do we really need it? But you know what? If there was an internal Dyson

rocketing hot air up my butt, I could be okay with that. And fresh water. And warmed water. And the seat is warm for you. Maybe like a flavored seltzer water. Like a cherry seltzer? Yeah.

Or like a... Why not a celery soda? Oh, that would be nice. And some pastrami. A whole deli experience. Yeah. Claudia, Lindsay, you guys will be happy to know it goes both directions, front and back. Oh, thank you.

And you've got a whole console there. It's just a really pleasant experience. And if I had the opportunity to do my bathrooms, which I didn't because they were new when we moved into our home that we purchased. And I didn't want to pay money to replace a new bathroom. They're only okay, but what can you do? That is the thing in my mind that is most worth the extra $500 or whatever it costs. I don't know the difference, $500. That sounds like an astronomically expensive toilet.

I think it would be far more than $500, more than a standard toilet. No. I mean, how often do you have to replace the pastrami cartridges? I'm going to say $1,000. Twice a month? I'm going to say a regular toilet costs $150. And I'm going to say one of these fancy toilets costs $1,000. Okay.

Maybe. But I bet you, I'm sure like as with any consumer product, depending on how many features you want, you can go up, you can go down. Are there buttons on the toilet? Absolutely. It's a digital experience. There's a remote control. Okay.

It has a little place that it sits. A little, you know. Slot. A little slot. Like a Roku. Cool. It's a delightful experience. So you're excited for this guy because of his slapstick mishap.

I was until I figured out that he's probably just putting a fucking regular toilet by 10 a.m. Because you can't do this. You got to run electricity over that. But Jesse, maybe you could do this to your toilet. Now you've heard exactly how he did it. Right, so I just say you got to just flail your arms. Just drop trowel and start flailing.

Exactly. And then you've got a ticket to this great toilet you're so excited about. You know what? I'm going to go with the Korean one because it's probably just as reliable and a little bit cheaper. Sure. Also, you can play Starcraft on it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, a new movie or a new book or a new TV show. I'm Jesse Thorne. My show Bullseye points to the good

stuff in popular culture, the kind of stuff that might change your life. In-depth interviews with cultural creators, critics' picks for the best new releases, and a weekly recommendation from yours truly. It's Bullseye with me, Jesse Thorne, from MaximumFun.org and NPR. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Claudia had already guessed. I mean, you said it fast.

I didn't leave a gap that time, so it's quite good. Yeah, I think we did okay. Net positive, this show. Yeah. It's time. Yeah. It's quite good. Yeah. I think we did okay. Net positive, this show. Yeah. It's fine. Yeah. I mean, this show's a net positive. Yeah.

But I mean, net means you add all the different parts together and you decide where it comes out. Listen. So Jordan, you were exceptionally good on this show. I don't know. Oh, gosh. I feel like I'm about to be insulted. Jordan, I thought you were exceptionally good on this show. I don't know. Oh, gosh. I feel like I'm about to be insulted. Jordan, I thought you were really funny.

I was really proud of the work that Lindsay did on this show. I felt I put in a pretty good performance. I'm not going to lie. G.E. Smith and Saturday Night Live band. They were great. Rocking as always. Yeah. Keeping the crowd excited during commercial breaks.

As always. Yeah. Keeping the crowd excited during commercial breaks. The one thing I would say, you know, Claudio Doherty was here earlier. Still is. Still right here. Still is. And I thought she said some funny stuff. But honestly, I thought her lack of punctuality in responding to her introduction.

Yeah. Was made up entirely later when she. of punctuality in responding to her introduction was a real problem through the course of the program that was only somewhat corrected at the end. So overall, while I would say that was a significant detriment to the quality of the program, net positive, but a modest victory. I'm not going to go around bragging about this one. positive but a modest victory i'm not going to go around bragging about this one unless it's somebody who who doesn't understand how fast someone should respond should introduce themselves on a podcast if then if if they if i'm talking to them i guess i can just brag because they're

not going to get then it's what they what they don't miss won't hurt them what they miss will hurt them they won't be hurt, if I brag. I mean, I think that ultimately the history of this episode will be decided by the dentists. Dentists, anesthesiologists, and

redditors. Sure. What's that mouse's name? Dr. Demento? Dr. DeSoto! Oh, that's our character's name, by the way. Dr. Demento. There you go. Oh, yeah. Is the mouse dentist a – is he a mouse?

Yeah, he's a mouse. And he operates on other mice. He operates on a wolf. That's part of the story. Ooh. He backburners his instincts. Well, here's the thing. Yeah, the wolf comes into his office and he says, I don't treat wolves because they're bad news.

Yeah. I would definitely not live in a hotel room with one where a traveling businessman needed a friend. The wolf keeps coming back. I want to pitch something to you real quick. Just before we wrap this up and before I wrap up that thing about Dr. DeSoto. Instead, you're going to have liability issues and upkeep issues with the animals. Yeah.

But I like the idea of giving a businessman a friend. So my recommendation for you is you do the same thing. Everything's the same, only instead of an animal in each room, Japanese toilet in each room. Let's get back to Dr. DeSoto. Okay. Dr. DeSoto.

Can the animals live in the toilet? Dr. DeSoto. Okay. Dr. DeSoto. Can the animals live in the toilet? Dr. DeSoto. Like fish or something that's amphibious. What is it, like an egret? Yeah, an egret lives in there. What else can... A newt? Yeah, newts.

Frog. Frog, sure. Something that lays eggs, one of those crazy Australian egg layers. Oedipus. Something oviparous. I'm really into the word oviparous right now. Something that eats eggs? That's something that lays eggs.

Lays eggs. Yeah, lays eggs. An oviraptor is something that eats eggs, right? Yeah, you got it. Okay. An egg-eating bird? Yeah. Like a lynx?

Yeah, like a lynx. Okay. Osprey. That's what I was thinking of. So Dr. DeSoto doesn't want... That's not an over-reactor. Don't correct me. Dr. DeSoto doesn't want to treat this wolf because he knows that wolves eat mice.

But his heart gets the better of him because he's a kind man. Mouse. He's a kind mouse. And he took the mouse dentist's oath. He throws a mouse out of the hot air balloon and says, oh, my beautiful mouse. His heart gets the better of him. And his wife, you know, he talks it over with his wife. His heart gets the better of him.

And he finally, finally, the wolf is about done with his treatment. And he decides as soon as I'm done with my treatment, spoiler alert, he decides as soon as I'm done with my treatment, I'm going to eat the mouse. But then the mouse puts him under. Dr. DeSoto puts him under. And while he's under, he mutters that he's going to eat the mouse. And so Dr. DeSoto comes up with – and here's the no spoiler part. Dr. DeSoto comes up with an ingenious plan to teach him a lesson. And if you want to know what the ingenious plan is, you're going to have to read the book Dr. DeSoto.

He uses his dentist tools to – And that book is by Michael Cretton. It's called Why Climate Change is a Lie, The Adventures of Dr. DeSoto. I'm – P.S. I'm dead. Claudio Doherty, it has been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you. It's been an American treat to be on it.

I want you to know that all of that stuff I said about you not doing a good job introducing yourself. That was a joke. It was all just a goof. I was just pulling your leg. It was very goofy stuff. It was fun. You really actually did a great job. Thank you.

You were really one of our favorite guests in a long time. We really had a lot of fun talking to you. You were really one of our favorite guests in a long time. We really had a lot of fun talking to you about Australia and all the different stuff we talked about. Thank you. It was fun. You are on Twitter. Yep, I'm tweeting occasionally at Claudia Rodoiti. That's my name.

You are, of course, doing regular stand-up gigs in the United Kingdom starting when you return in a month or so. Yeah, this is true. And people who live in the United Kingdom starting when you return in a month or so. Yeah, this is true. And people who live in the United Kingdom can look forward to hearing you in your sketch comedy radio program. Yeah, Ears on the Net is what it's called. What's it called? Ears on the Net.

Ears on the Net. Yeah. There you go. Now, in England, talented comedians like our friend Claudio Doherty are given radio programs. Interesting. Yeah. That's fun. They do weird, overambitious comedy on the radio that no one wants to listen to.

But if they're lucky, it turns into a television program, which is something people like. That's cool. Do people listen to those shows? No, not at all. Yeah, because I'll tell you what our friend josie long made one yeah and i thought it was so great i was like this is fucking great i really love this um and then i thought i have a hard time imagining this playing on the radio and someone listening to the whole thing and liking it also just a normal person walking

down the street turning on their car radio. Yeah. Well, I think it gets played like, they're usually like at 10 at night, the comedy shows. They sort of tuck them away. But I mean, I think it's a fantastic program and I couldn't be more pleased to get to take part in it.

Ears on the Net is going to be, my prediction? Huge. As Howard Stern is to American radio, you will be to British radio and eventually world radio. No doubt. Are you going to be, have you thought about putting this on shortwave? Yeah, that's all we've been thinking about. So it's just shortwave?

Yeah. That's great because then you'll hit all the ships at sea. Exactly. Great. We want those sailors listening. Claudio Odorti is also here in a life of a little while. A lot of hunks on them ships. sea. Exactly. Great. We want those sailors at least then. Claudio Odorti is also here in LA for a little while. A lot of hunks on them ships.

Oh, yeah. If you follow her Twitter, maybe she's done a couple of shows here in LA? I might do another one. I saw one. It was terrific. Thank you.

I'll tell you what. I loved it. Mark Duplass was on Twitter talking about how great Claudio Odorti was. That's America's boyfriend. That's the guy

I wish I could make love to. that's the guy i wish i could make love to that's the man i wish would just hold me tenderly and tell me that i'm that i'm a worthwhile human would you settle for another duplass has to be that one it's got to be mark duplass okay the other duplass he's the behind the scenes guy oh i mean they're both in front of they're both in front of the camera you don't want to he might be the better boyfriend duplass is sure mark is the... Mark is the dreamy Duplass. Actors can be difficult.

Yeah, they're always busy learning their lines. He's not difficult. He's been on my show. He's been on Bullseye twice. And he wrote in the guest book... I'm not difficult. It's always great to see you. Well, sounds like you have a little connection.

Yeah. I don't know. Apparently not as big as Claudio Doherty because he was tweeting about how great her show was. Oh, this is uncomfortable. He's also great in the new movie, Tammy. Oh, is that good? I haven't seen it. It's a real blast.

Okay, good. It's a lot of fun. A lot of fun in that movie. Kathy Bates. Kathy Bates is exceptionally good in that movie. Exceptionally good. Okay. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number.

We have a top secret on Netflix. Very funny. Forum.maximumfun Two men dress up as a cow. Forum.maximumfun.org is our forum where you can discuss this show. You can also discuss it on our Reddit. The Maximum Fun Reddit.

Go to reddit.com slash r slash Maximum Fun. And you can like our show on Facebook and discuss it there. How about that? These are all fun places to go. It's three great places. If you have a post, if you have a thought about the show, do it on one. Do it on the forum. Right.

Copy it. Paste it into Facebook. Paste it on Reddit so everyone can see it. And then send it in an email forward. Make up some lies about Obama. Send it to your it into Facebook. Paste it on Reddit so everyone can see it. And then send it in an email forward. Make up some lies about Obama. Send it to your aunt and uncle. And thence forward. Thence forward shall Jordan, Jesse, go, go.

Thence forward shall Jordan and Jesse go. You just put in a few Obama lies at the top. Then you throw in some stuff, your comments about Jordan, Jesse, go. Send it to your aunt and uncle they send it out to america and then the dentists lose then all of a sudden we're the new joe rogan boom we're fucking karate and motherfuckers left and right yep chokeholds choking them out doing presses bench presses any kind of press any furniture we'll press it nut kicks pressed wood i we work for Ikea

I want a nice oh I haven't had lunch so I'd like a nice pressed sandwich yeah sure a panini yeah a little garden salad

on the side Lindsay Pavlis on the boards Brian Fernandez our producer all the way from London, England hi Brian

how were things with the bobbies ooh zing man Brian got burned um JJ go at maximumfund.org How were things with the Bobbies? Ooh, zing. Man, Brian got burned. JJGo at MaximumFun.org, 206-9844-FUN. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Go. MaximumFun.org.

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