Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 332: Cake-Spangled Banner with Maria Bamford

Episode Date: July 7, 2014

Fan favorite Maria Bamford joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's new possible nickname, Maria's community building, survival stories and everyone performs a special version of the national anthem. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, girl reporter. No, Jordan. I mean, girl reporter, typically, we should explain.

Typically, your nickname is boy detective. Yeah. Goroa Porter, typically, we should explain, typically your nickname is Boy Detective. Yeah. And our nicknames stretch all the way back to when we were 19 and didn't really think them through. But while Goroa Porter has the same rhythm as Boy Detective. Sure. And while.

Kind of a vintage paperback vibe. Yeah. Which is what I'm going for. And while I'm hesitant to be unnecessarily cis-normative, I still think that girl reporter doesn't match your junk. Genderless inspector? Maria, you have not been introduced yet. I'm so sorry. No one knows. People are freaking out right now because they don't know what that voice is that they just heard.

They thought they were listening to a quiet, intimate conversation between two close friends. A loose cannon. That's what people feel like when they saw the great train robbery for the first time. You're burning down the theater of the mind. The drapes are on fire thanks to comedian Maria Bamford. I'm so, so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. And now you're doing a Charlie Chan voice. Our guest on the program is one of the best

stand-up comics in the world. One of the funniest people in the world just in general. Subjective. Subjective. One of our

most beloved regular guests on this program. It's been a while and it's great to have her back. The brilliant and wonderful

Maria Bamford. Thank you so much for having me on your program and letting me interrupt. Now, did you have another? Here's what I think. Can I just say what I like about it? No, you cannot. I don't think gender has to be a binary. I understand that there could be some

fluidity in gender. And people might identify one way, they might have one set of biological characteristics, one set of internal characteristics, and so on and so forth. However, I've known you for a long time. And while I've never seen your penis, I've heard you talk about it a lot. Sure. Over the years. And there's the etchings that I mail you. And I believe you to identify 100% with your biological gender and that your biological

gender is male yeah and for that reason i i find this new nickname confusing but i want to hear what you have to say maybe i just here's what i want to get across oh i've got a nose for news right i'm gonna get the scoop but i going to look good doing it. Oh. Is that why you're wearing that little fedora? Mm-hmm. Are women- Underneath the fedora, pillbox hat. Women are considered to be sassy.

That's one of our traits. Yeah. Natural traits. You can always snap back. I do feel like I have a lot of natural sass. I also feel like I can be brassy at times. That's true. You are- I've always thought – you know, it's funny.

Now that I've given you this lecture on how masculine you are, I do remember thinking quite a few times, especially when I first met you, what a sassy broad you are. Sure. Yeah. And a brassy broad. Yeah. And a brassy dame and a sassy dame. And you – I mean I don't think anyone would say basic bitch. No.

No. Under no circumstances. The last word I would use to describe you is basic. You're next level. Thank you. Thank you, guys. If I was going to say, I would say next level. OK.

I mean I hear your concerns, R-E. Generation next. I would call you generation next. I'm a real Crystal Pepsi. The Spunknik. Yeah. The Spunknik. You're a real Spunknik.

Yeah. Beeping out there. I got a dead dog inside me, maybe. Is that how that worked? Pretty sure that's how that worked. I got a dead Russian monkey inside me. Named Balalaika. Yeah.

Love those. Okay. I'll go back to Boy Detective then. You don't have to. I mean, you can pick a new name or you can stick with this one if you feel like it fits you. I'll try Girl Reporter for a show and we'll just see how it feels. What I wonder is if you're not getting, if you're not

letting your desire to have a new nickname get ahead of your, you know, your, your, your true identity. Sure. Get outside the bounds of your true identity. I just don't think my old nickname, like, really conveys my nose for news.

Okay. No, that's true. I mean, you've been known, just as I have been known to pick a pocket or two, you've been known to break a story or two. What will happen? Women are nosy. Right? Yeah. I'm concentrating on my career, Mom.

Well, I do find that when you want to get some information out of a fella, you do tend to put on some bright red lipstick. I open my parasol, twirl it seductively, and then the man imagines that the parasol is his penis. You know, I was just, yesterday,

I was just over here a block away from our studios at a Korean restaurant having a lovely Korean lunch. It would be weird if I was at the Korean restaurant and I made them cook me a burger. Come on. Fish and chips, please.

Can we get an iceberg wedge out here? Can I please have, can I get some pupusas? And I came outside. There's like six paparazzi out there. Oh. Maybe you tipped them off. And I came outside. There's like six paparazzi out there. Oh. Maybe you tipped them off. Yeah, I've been calling in your whereabouts to TMZ.

They send me $8 every time I do it. They didn't take any pictures. But I think that's because they knew that I was going to put my hands up in front of my face. And so it wouldn't be a very valuable picture. And also because my children work with me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The kids sell. And another reason is I looked really elegant and they wanted people, they wanted that they're

just like us vibe. Gotcha. Yeah. Have you considered maybe a nip slip? I did think about a nip slip. What was going on with your nips while all this was going on? I guess it's my question. Well, they were erect.

Are you talking about their posture? Just their state in general. They had an erect state, but they were fully covered. I had one, I cut the nipple out of one of my shirts. Out of one side of my shirt.

I was wearing two shirts. One had the nipple out of it, in case I wanted to Clark Kent that shit and tear off the outer shirt, thus displaying the inner shirt. No, I only was wearing one shirt. But I did have the nipple cut out and I was wearing a coat over it so that I would have the option of slipping my nip out. That's nice. You always have the option. But I'm disappointed in the paparazzi for not getting that.

I was disappointed in the paparazzi for their total lack of interest. And I found myself wondering what would happen if I walked over to them and introduced myself. I just did some posing. Look, I'm going to give you guys a break. Just want to give you some FYI what I am, what kind of market value you could get for photos of me. Have you ever been paparazzed, Maria? Once. I was at LAX, and I think I was much, much younger, and I had very long blonde hair,

and they did not see my face. And somebody took some pictures of me, but then when they saw my face, they're like, oh. Did they say that? They didn't say, oh, but their cameras kind of- You have a lovely face, Maria. But I think it wasn't the face they were looking for. Right.

I didn't – I don't care. No. You think they were after – there was a celebrity with your similar hair and build that they were after. Is that the – Yeah, exactly. And I think that happens. You just start shooting at someone who's blonde, who's – They were just shooting. And you think –

You turned around and they said, oh, a feature act. Exactly. Why am I standing outside the Southwest flight from Salt Lake City? Let us know when Gaffigan gets off the plane. They said. Gaffigan gets off the plane. Gaffigan can't go anywhere. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I would imagine. What a nightmare for Jim Gaffigan. Just trying to go to the lingerie store. Sure. Just trying to go to Victoria's Secret to buy himself a brassiere. That sounded rude. I did not mean to be rude to Jim Gaffigan, only to suggest the absurdity of him buying a brassiere. Right. And I would think it would be very difficult for him to go anywhere because people do.

You know what? I feel like the challenge for Jim Gaffigan, besides the fact that he has 17 children, I think it would be a bipartite challenge. it would be a bipartite challenge. One element of his challenge would be the fact that people probably just yell hot pockets at him. Yes. Because people love that more than anything else

that any comedian has ever thought of, ever. Jim Gaffigan, one of the greats. Yes. An exceptionally great stand-up comic. But he's got to be tired of people yelling hot pockets at him. Now, that's part number one. Part number two, he's probably really nice to them when they yell that at him

because he's so freaking nice. He is nice. My boyfriend and I yelled at him or quietly yelled at him. It's just water weight. Which is said about whales in his last stand-up special. It's just water weight. Anyway, but he was very kind about it. He's a nice man.

He's a nice man. Jordan, you've been paparazzi a lot. Yeah, because of my racist Twitter rants. Sure. That's been a really good thing for my career is racist Twitter rants. It really gets people interested in what you're all about. Yeah. I mean, the paparazzi guys, they weren't doing anything.

Oh, these real paparazzi guys outside the Korean place. I think they're just waiting for someone to come out of the acupuncture store. Oh, they probably had somebody that they had beelined for. Right. Who they were like, yeah, waiting for their... But the person's in there getting a treatment

and they're not allowed inside. Sure. So I guess what I'm wondering is if I went over there and said to them, hey guys, I'm Jesse Thorne from National Public Radio. I used to host The Grid on IFC

and I did a... The Grid on IFC. And I did a failed pilot. Always on, slightly off. I did a failed pilot that ended up airing for Current TV. What? Two years before that. An aired failed pilot. That is spectacular. I know.

It's very unusual. Unusual. And I explained that to these guys patiently. Unusual. And I explain that to these guys patiently. If they would not say, look, let's take a few glamour shots while you're here. I'd say, look, I'll go over here. I'll buy myself a baby Ruth.

I'll go over here. I'll get some diapers for my baby. Anything baby Ruth. But like if I offer them the opportunity. I'll eat these tiny carrots. Anything baby. But like if I offer them the opportunity. I'll eat these tiny carrots. Baby carrots. Like if I just let them know like, look, if Cameron Diaz comes out of the acupuncture place, go ahead and shoot Cameron Diaz. It's not a big deal.

I won't be hurt. But you've got a few minutes. You're not up to anything. Maybe you and Cameron can, you know, carry on a little bit. The headline, Who's Cameron's New Man? She's got a great sense of humor. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

She's fun. She's fun. She's fun. And tall. Just like Kate Hudson. Tall and fun. Also, I learned doesn't shave her pubic area. What?

Yeah. You know. Did you learn that in a area. What? Yeah. You know. Did you learn that in a sensual fashion? Yes, I did. I got the pants off and I'm like, I'm sorry, Cameron. Call me when you've done a little grooming. Then I'll go to town on your celebrity vagina. But it's got to be groomed.

Listen, I've recently taken to pubic hair shaving. Really? Yeah, that's true. Have you committed? What? Oh, yeah. I'm keeping this up. Now, listeners.

No, is it with a daisy razor kind of thing or is it an electric one? It's a Gillette men's razor specifically for the man's penis and balls. More delicate parts. Yes. And this is something that we talked about. We had a live show not that long ago that will air soon on the Jordan Jesse Go feed for people who have been wondering.

And we talked about that extensively. But that was now a couple of weeks ago. It's been covered. And I'm not afraid to give people the opportunity to time machine this thing. So now it's been a few weeks. If you want to get the setup, all of the setup, you'll have to listen in a couple of weeks from now.

But it's been a couple of weeks and you're sticking with it? Oh, yeah. Sleek as a porpoise. But does it? I don't know. Because I grew up in the 70s, I did not – yeah, I did not maintain any sort of sense of – Propriety. Pride or propriety.

So yeah, so I never – you have to learn the beauty culture early to keep having the – like you have to have an ethical drive within yourself like this is right and this is wrong. Well, I think there's a point where you just lock it down. Your whole aesthetic just locks down. Just like grandmas and grandpas on Seinfeld all wore weird 70s clothes or like how distasteful 33-year-olds dress like Britney Spears even today. distasteful 33-year-olds dressed like Britney Spears even today. Like I think there's a point where you just – This is me.

Certain parts of what you're choosing socially just lock down. Yeah. Yep. I locked – yeah, because I grew up in northern Minnesota. There weren't any of those beauty treatments around. And you needed it for warmth too. Well, exactly. During the cooler months.

It's so cold. It gets so cold. And Jordan, you – now you had suffered in the post-facto. You had suffered some itching. Yeah, there was some itching. But, you know, kind of just like – you know, everyone tells you it's a couple days. You endure it. You'll lotion up.

You'll be fine. And that's kind of how it worked out. No. What was the inspiration? Now, of course, you've already dealt with this. I'm it. You'll lotion up. You'll be fine. And that's kind of how it worked out. Now, what was the inspiration? Now, of course, you've already dealt with this. I'm so sorry to come in late. No, all of this is new information. I mean, I knew Jordan was lotioning up down there.

Sure. A whole other situation. Yeah. Oh, no, that was simple masturbation. That was not for itching reasons. That was for self-pleasure. Was there a young lady who said, oh, I wish this would happen? Or was there any ad that caught your eye?

Here's what it is. Yes. I got this men's razor for free in the mail because of my social media influence. And I thought it would be wasteful not to use it on my penis and balls. Good for you. And I did it and I don't think I'm going back. You know, I got to tell you, Jordan. That's a beautiful story of the American marketplace.

Sure. You've talked in the past on this program about your enthusiasm for talcum powder. And I had never been a talcum powder user. Now, it's hot. It's hot in the summer here in Los Angeles. Now, it's hot. It's hot in the summer here in Los Angeles. Yeah. And I was suffering from some midsection chafing.

Sure. Yeah. Some hip to thigh chafing in that zone. Yeah. Not on the most delicate parts. Your balls were fine. My balls were okay. Okay.

But my thighs and that whole area had some mild chafing. On the most delicate parts. Your balls were fine. My balls were okay. Okay. But my thighs and my whole area had some mild chafing. I remember talcum powdering. It's like a well-oiled machine. No, talcum's great. Talcum's great. It's smooth as silk. Okay, I just got to say, then you smell like a baby. Yeah, that's great.

You don't like the smell of a baby? Well, with a man, I don't like the smell of a baby. I did date somebody who used a lot of talcum. I should mention that I use Axe Cool Gush talcum powder. Oh, okay. And I use Urban Assault. That's my talcum of choice. So these are masculine scents.

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. I did have to order. I'm so sorry. Why am I so afraid of the baby? I did have to order some gender appropriate. God, I'm really into gender appropriateness here. Yeah. And I'm sorry into gender appropriateness here. Yeah, and I'm

sorry. I am very much... Look, we love you audience wherever you are on the spectrum. Yeah. But show us with your talcum. Yeah. Let us know with your talcum. You know, I think like... I had to use... I used some of my wife's. Yeah. And it was

very... Probably a little too feminine. It was very floral. And a lovely smell. Yeah, for a lady baby. And the other very – Probably a little too feminine. It was very floral and a lovely smell. Yeah, for a lady baby. And the other thing is it made – For a lovely baby. It made me smell like my wife, which was weird. Yeah, I think we've also talked about that. I think that when you are cohabitating, you shouldn't mix your products, I think.

I mean, again, this is a place where I'm a little bit of a gender Nazi. Right. I think the lady and the fella should smell different. Right. Yeah. That way you know when to get it on. Unless you run it. Unless you run out and there's some kind of situation where he's got some dandruff shampoo.

Sure. It's made out of tar. Tar and baseball bat splinters. And you got to take a chance on that. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, there's times for exceptions, I think. Actually, the only grooming product that I use in my day-to-day life is a rosin bag. That's because you're a pool shark.

Just toss it. Just give it a toss. Get a little tack. Get a little tack going and I'm ready for the day. Right to the parallel bars. I think Gold Bond, the Gold Bond specifically, talcum smells a little more masculine than your over-the-counter. I had purchased some really ritzy Santa Maria Novega talcum powder for my wife, which she enjoys using. It just smells gorgeous.

It just smells spectacular. More than I could say for Ms. Cameron Diaz. That's a swamp down there. I ended up buying some talcum powder that matches my preferred soap, which is the English discount soap Imperial Leather. So you've got a complimentary. So yeah, you've got to match those products. Otherwise, you've got to mishmash.

You know, nobody wants a mishmash of odors. Nobody wants to smell like lavender citrus. Well, maybe you do want to smell like lavender. That could be nice. I've never smelled that before, so. Could be. You don't want to prejudge. I don't want to prejudge. Not

on something as important as that. Race and gender, however. Snap judgments. Exactly. Oh, my God. It lets you know who's lazy and weird. We'll be back with some non-junk-related talk

in just a second. Possibly. Conceivably. I'm going to downgrade that to conceivably. On Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Do you think it's okay to finish someone else's food? Do you have a fight with your friend over whether or not he should wear his Philly's garb to a Colorado Rockies game? Does your wife want to keep a chamber pot in her art studio? If so, please do not write in to Judge John Hodgman.

I heard all those cases already. So, please do not write in to Judge John Hodgman. I heard all those cases already. Judge John Hodgman is the show where I, John Hodgman, adjudicate disputes between real people calling in over the Internet, and I tell them who is right and who is wrong over such important issues as is a machine gun a robot, and is it okay to go through the garbage at the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage? to go through the garbage at the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne rounds out the cast for a fun-filled podcast of judgment and justice. Kind of two of the same thing, actually. Judge John Hodgman, take a listen if you do not mind. I order it. Come visit the courtroom. It is open to all and located at MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. love you, love you. Yeah, you could – there's some corners. Some little corners. This is very cozy in here. I mean I could totally bed – bunk down in here.

Oh, yeah. I mean you'd have to worry about the humidity. Sure. It's a sort of a tropical environment. It is. Well, yeah, two other people in here. But if we kept the door open – Well, there's naturally occurring plantains too.

It's a tropical environment. You can catch crabs by hand. So that's fun. Although – Oh, ah, oh. Look of the tropical environment. Catch crabs by hand. Mm-hmm. So that's fun. Although, ooh, ah, ooh. You know what I mean? They pinch. Look out. My boyfriend and I

have been reading shipwreck stories about survival. Oh, yeah. Wait, the two of you have been reading them together? We read them out loud together. That's fun.

Oh, wow. That's fun. There's a great book that he has. It's all these shipwreck stories from like the 1400s forward and they're just – well, they're horrifying and yet awesome because they have so many specific details of like – and then they – what they would find. Like, oh, they ate a bunch of wood for a while. So this is – They would just eat like logs? I mean, it was tough times.

Yeah. Until they could figure it out, like figure out, oh, there's that thing that looks like a piece of fruit. Uh-oh, it's poisonous. And they get real thin. But then, oh, well, the most beautiful story is where he goes to Antarctica and he travels back through – what's the one? Endurance. Endurance.

Have you read that one? No. Yeah. How does one get out of Antarctica? We're going to have to snap you out of your reverie so you can share some of the details of the story with us, Maria. I know the details. I know I'm terrible with details.

That's a problem. But it was all about teamwork and the guy was such a great leader. And so they didn't know if they were going to make it back. And they ended up – they didn't know where they were and they finally ended up being gone for two years. Everyone thought they had died. And then they came back to this Norwegian fishing village. All of a sudden people were like, you are still alive. It was the same thing with Zamprino, guy who just died, who's doing the new Angeline Jolie project.

Yeah. Which is called – what is that called? I don't know, but I was just hearing about this guy on the radio when he passed away. He just died of 94, but he was in World War II. First, he was an Olympic runner, and then he was an Olympic runner and then he was enlisted and then he was a bombardier and then had a plane crash, survived for – I think it was almost – It was like 20 days on a raft or something. It's more than that. It's like the longest time somebody has lived on a raft.

raft or something. It's more than that. It's like the longest time somebody's lived on a raft. And then they get taken in by the Japanese and given a POW camp. I'll tell you what they ate. They caught birds that landed on their raft with their hands.

And then they throttled them. Yeah, gutted them and ate them raw. The best part of the whole... Or at least my favorite part of the story is that the guy – sharks start going up on their raft. And he was so mad. Like his response to that instead of like hopelessness was like, goddammit. I'm going to eat one of those sharks. Just to show the other sharks who's boss.

And then they got some sort of makeshift spear going and they killed the sharks. And they were smaller sharks. And then, of course, the great white shark. Anyways, these stories are not my own and would be better read in the actual book by the woman that is a bestseller. And I wish I could remember. Oh, I'm sorry. Judy Blume. Judy Blume.

Are you there, God? I'm going to eat this bird raw. There is no God. She says as she bites into the bird. But it turns out Louis Zamperini, he gets a Billy Graham moment and then goes back and forgives all of his former POW characters. Yeah. So he like – all that's keeping him alive, at least according to his biographer that I heard on the radio, when he goes in – he's in the POW camp when America wins World War II. He's released from the POW camp.

He's an alcoholic. He's barely clinging to the edge of life. And all that keeps him alive is a desire to return, save money to go to Japan to kill the guy who tortured him. It's not funny at all. It's awful. And yeah, and he goes to see a tent revival

by the Reverend Billy Graham. Brought by his wife. Brought by his wife. Yes, she goes once. He goes the first time and doesn't like it, then goes back again and changes his mind.

And he's like, he and he helps put Billy Graham on the map because he's such a famous celebrity. I like the, maybe the preface

that the guy is still going to try and sneak into the camp and surprise the guy but instead of like slitting his throat he'd just forgive him really,

like in a really surprising way. Hey, I'm with you! And then he just runs off. And then he like goes back under the barbed wire fence. Like, he still wants to break in. He still wants to have that adventure, but just to forgive the guy. That is the interesting thing about survival stories, going, oh, would I be the person?

Because I have the feeling I'd always be the person in the survival story who'd go, you know what? I just can't. I just don't know if we're going to— I'm just going to walk off into the snow. I just always know – I'm worried I'd be that person. I wouldn't be the person who would go, we just stick to a schedule and we go on. And if we have to throttle a penguin and eat it, then that's what we're going to do. Yeah. Then that's what we're going to do. I feel like what I'm imagining right now is you out of selflessness and kindness and perhaps an –

A hopelessness. Perhaps an element of a lack of courage of your convictions. But mostly selflessness and kindness. You would volunteer to be eaten. You got that right. And then people would like – they just go, we'll put you on the list. Yes. The meat is not that good.

It's a little stringy. Can we get somebody that's a little porkier? Yeah. Is there anyone – Well, listen. I'm taking other nominations for people who are volunteering to be eaten. What about you, Gaffigan? Well, that was the thing on ships.

It's a rule of the sea that the youngest person on the ship gets eaten first. What? Yes. What a terrible rule. So if there's a baby, you're eating that baby. I guess so. Or is there a ceiling attendant? It's usually like the – there are only men on the ships.

And so they had – but it was like the youngest, the ship hand or ship's mate or whatever would be. You know what I'd eat first? The parrot. Right? Right. Eat the parrots first. No, because who are you going to talk to? Good point.

Now, point taken, Jordan. Point taken. Yeah. What is your personal story of survival, of something that you survived that you go, oh, that's an example of me going through a toolbox of whatever you have available. Do you have any of those stories? Just besides my parents' relationship with each other and my father's post-traumatic stress disorder. That's pretty good. I'm working on 33 years of that.

How about moving to Los Angeles? That's sort of an island sort of that. How about moving to Los Angeles? Isn't that sort of an island sort of experience? I had my wife on that one. I feel like that was barely. But you didn't, though. I remember when I first met you, you were living out by yourself. No. That wasn't?

You weren't by yourself then? His wife was hiding. Yeah. She likes to camouflage herself. A new wrinkle. Yeah. I'll tell you. I mean, you know, I had – I developed some survival skills in the neighborhood I grew up in. Yes. Like big and tough enough that you wouldn't choose me to fuck with, but not so tough that I seem like I'm challenging people to fuck with me. Oh, that is a fine line. It is.

Like you got to be like I always had to be like I had to be Mr. You know, white boy faggot, which I was. I mean, I had been nominated for that position it was called out to you by the others in my community it's one of those it's one of those it has to it's unanimous consent acclamation that i was declared mr white boy faggot in my neighborhood um but like you know But like I had to – yeah, like it's really – because if there's a kind of that where I was – I would have stuck out too far and gotten beaten down. Yeah. You know what I mean? So that's a survival skill that I developed.

That is. How about you, Mr. Jordan? Oh, geez. Yeah. Have I ever had it hard? Have I ever faced adversity? That's a great question. Yeah. That's a good question. I mean, I feel like I've, you know, like I've gone to some concerts I didn't like because a girlfriend wanted to go. Right.

That is painful. I've seen Ani DiFranco live. Didn't want to do that. So I think I've learned how to put on a happy face and maybe go to a movie I don't necessarily want to go to or listen to some music.

I feel like all you had to say was Ani DiFranco. Like that is... She's an amazing She's a brilliant woman. and as well as a business woman.

Yeah. And a hero of a hero for independent, creative people like ourselves. Yes. Exactly. And her music is not for me. But exactly. That's why you can also have opinions, which is God bless America.

I would love to have a chat with her sometime. We could talk about how much we both like Maceo Parker and how his music is for both of us. Oh, nice. And I wouldn't mention that her music is not for me. Yes. In that situation. Of course. Of course.

This podcast probably isn't for her. Right, right. I have a hard time imagining Ani's tour bus lighting up when someone says, hey, let's throw Jordan Jesse Go on the stereo system. By the way, I call her Ani. I call her DeFranc. My wife and her friends loved Ani DeFranco and Tori Amos when we were in high school. Oh, yes. Wonderful. Yes. So as did all creative minded white people, white women from the years 1996 to 2000.

It was required. It is weird how those things come in generations. Like the kids next door who are college students at Occidental College next to me. Hi, kids. They live in my neighborhood. They all play Sweet Home Alabama. Still. Really?

Still. How many times per week? I want to say at least three times a week. It is celebrated. This is a new batch. This is a new batch of kids. So these are juniors. But they are playing it as if they have not heard it before.

Now, here's the question. It's a discovery. Number one, they haven't heard it before. That's part of what's a discovery. Number one, they haven't heard it before. That's part of what's so amazing. That's why. Because it's a renewable group of people who haven't heard Sweet Home Alabama before. The xenophobic. But I think the question is, yeah, I mean, I think your xenophobia remark really gets at the heart of this.

Each generation has its own set of people that it beats up as it listens to Sweet Home Alabama. Do you think there's going to be, I mean have you thought about Blasting Southern Man? Just kind of creating some sort of tornado of bad feelings. Well, my boyfriend loves sound music. So we were listening to Sun Ra. Oh, yeah, sure. So maybe we could – well, we started singing along to Sweet Home Alabama with our own lyrics. Okay.

They were kind of very filthy lyrics, but they touched us in a special way. Sure. Because you can make it your own. Absolutely. You can make it your own. In that way, the thrilling riffs, you can allow the thrilling riffs to thrill you along with whatever thematic content thrills you. I have some questions about Sweet Home Alabama, but I want to take a little detour into changing the lyrics to a song. Yes.

I had kind of an amazing experience the 4th of July. I went to a, which was yesterday, as of this recording. I went to a friend's barbecue and someone had brought a cake shaped like an American flag. Carrot cake shaped like an American flag. So rectangular? Yeah. Shaped and colored. Yes.

Okay. Made to look like an American flag. Like, oh, this is about the shape of a flag, right? And she said, oh, before we cut it, we should sing the national anthem. Then I said, well, we should sing it but replace certain words with cake. So everyone started to sing and it was interesting where people decided to put cake and when everyone agreed to put cake because some people had different ideas. So you're saying we should try that? Yeah.

Let's just see. Let's just see. I'm not going to say where you should – what words you should replace with cake, but I just want to see where your brain goes. Should we bring, should we bring Scott and Lindsay in here to help us? Yeah, that's great. Okay. Scott and Lindsay, come on in here for a second. Okay.

So Maria's boyfriend, Scott is here and Lindsay, our producer is here. And so they're just going to come in here and they don't have to, you guys don't have to go all the way on microphone. It's just, we need more numbers if we're going to get a representative sample. Okay. So I don't know if you guys heard, but here's what we're going to do. We're going to sing the national anthem. Pretend someone has brought out a cake made to look like the American flag.

So sing the national anthem and replace certain words with cake, but not all of them. Like don't just say cake a lot. And what is the national anthem again? Oh, Canada. Yeah. Australians all let us rejoice, for we are young and free. I do know the Australian. Really?

With golden voicing. Oh, our home is good by sea. Our land, our... No. Anyways, I do know the Australian accent or the – yes. We're an island of convicts. We had a great Australian on the show last week. We should have had you in here to sing the anthem up top.

Well, and the funny thing is I learned it because I was – you didn't know me then, Scott, but I was dating an Australian. We only touched faces once by accident. And then it was all boomerangs before that. It was Yahoo serious. But I learned the Australian national anthem, all three verses, or I think there's four, four verses. No one knows it there. They all mumble it. And the only song they know is the one that goes to the Qantas Airlines.

I still call Australia home. They all know. I'm sure they know Waltzing Matilda, don't they? They probably all know Waltzing Matilda. I think they know that one, but that's not the anthem. Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh. Okay. Here we go.

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light What so proudly we caked at the twilight's last caking Whose broad stripes and bright cakes through the perilous cake. O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly caking. And the rocket's red cake, the bombs bursting in cake, gave cake through the night that our cake was still there. Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake. Oh, say does that star-spangled cake yet wave O'er the land of the free

And the home of the king Very nice. Thank you very much, guys. Yeah, thanks, everybody. So the answer is everyone agrees to do it at the end of every line. Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah.

Well, that one's worked out. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Maria Bamford, a person who's here right now. Maria, I'm keen to learn.

Because you mentioned that you live near Occidental College in northeast Los Angeles. Yes. I live not all that far away from you. Yes. I live in Mount Washington. Well, well, well. You live in what I call the rock. The rock.

Which is Alcatraz. Noun 0041. Good zip code. Yeah. And I don't know. I wonder, how do you find, because I've talked a lot about the people that live on my street.

Since I've become a homeowner, which was not all that long ago, I've become much more invested in the people that live on my street. Since I've become a homeowner, which was not all that long ago, I've become much more invested in the people that live on my street. Yes. And, you know, shirtless guy in his pit bull. Van, lives in van and yells at himself guy. No names on those? No, ma'am.

Jocko, our neighbor Jocko. Just bring a casserole down to the van. Jocko the junk man. I got to tell you, it'll be appreciated if you bring any food that they're – Anyways, sorry. I'm interrupting your neighborhood exploration. So I got a lot of these neighbors, but I feel like it's a very disparate group. So I got a lot of these neighbors, but I feel like it's a very disparate group.

And I read somewhere the other day about shutting down your block for a barbecue. Was that in an article? Probably, yeah. Ooh, I love those. I'm trying to think back. It could have been a book. It's possible it was a pamphlet. Could it maybe have been some microfiche? Could have been on fiche. Could have been a book. It's possible it was a pamphlet. Could it maybe have been some microfiche?

Could have been on fiche. Could have been on film. I remember a spy gave it to me, so it was either on fiche or film. He took it out of his tooth filling. Right. Wait, no, that was that cyanide that I barely survived. Okay, look. And I was like,

oh, that sounds great. I get to know your neighbors and stuff. I don't know. Do you know your neighbors? Okay, I have a plan. Okay, good. So you already have these college, I'm guessing they're yahoos who listen to Sweet Home Alabama.

Well, this juncture, there's a stand-up comedian who lives next door, a young comic who was a delight who introduced himself and I don't know, I mean, what is a yahoo? Is it a person who celebrates life at 3am while drinking

and saying, you fucker while jumping into a pool is that a yahoo? Or am I the yah Yahoo who sits in my bed? Quietly vibrating with disgust. Someone in my neighborhood, I swear, and my neighborhood is like a ravine, you know, so all sound is in all homes. Someone has been putting on concerts.

Oh, yeah, sure. I think you've mentioned this concerts. Oh, yeah, sure. I think you've mentioned this before. Okay. Yeah. That's – what? Concerts? That's entirely inappropriate. That's not an at-home activity.

Well, I bought a book on how to build community because that's what I do. Right. I want to learn about something, not always follow through on it. Community organizer. Yes. And one of the things they said, get a bench. Bench, it's like a people bird feeder that they will sit, you know, have a bench, people sit on it. And it has happened.

And then I put out the bench and the sidewalk chalk. So, you know, there's the normal people who sit there. Maybe little kids will come by. But the first thing that happened was it was tagged, which made me feel good because if the Avenues gangs are, you know, protecting our bench, then that's good. And then the chalk completely disappeared and there were dicks up and down the sidewalk, just on our block, but just dicks of all different colors. Were you supposed to follow them somewhere? No, no, no.

They were disparate and they just seemed to be, yeah, they were just. It wasn't like a trail of breadcrumbs. Do you think. Symbol, yeah. Something probably unpleasant. Do you think it's possible that the fact that they were all different colors, it was like a tolerance message? Yeah. Well, certainly.

Oh, my God. That is a beautiful way to take it. We can all get along together. If our dogs. Just look at the trail of dicks. Is the theme song. It's from the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. Trail of dicks with the theme song. It's from the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. Trail of Ticks

with the opening ceremony. The great thing about Cyborg Chalk is only like three bucks a pop. You get a giant thing of it. So the second thing, put on another box of chalk. Then a guy started using it to advertise just on our block, advertising his services with his number. He said,

call me for training. Call me for training. And all over the place, call me for training. Call me for training. And all over the place, call me for training. Maybe SEAL training or Krav Maga. Exactly. Very unclear. And my boyfriend tried to call him a number of times. Scott tried to call him a number of times. And there's no answer.

Finally, he saw the guy making the ad and was like, hey, man, we want training. You know, what's going on? We need revenge against the man who put us in a POW camp. He said, he said, what is it? And he says, oh, it's personal training. And I guess it was so personal that I can't really share it. And the best thing was that the methamphetamine addict who lives, he actually lives with his mother, but he affects the whole community because he wanders and fights trees in Hallucination. He fights mostly young saplings.

And he came— Can't you just give him a bucket and a mop and just get him going? Well, what he did with the chalk, he took the entire box and for about 48 hours laid on our front sidewalk making eyeballs. Eyeball after eyeball. Oh, my. So where is the bench? The bench is right on the front lawn. So we can see them.

We can see everybody sitting there. There's a 5 a.m. crowd who gets there to smoke pot. And then there's a – On the bench. On the bench. On the bench. There's some maker-outers. Some people have done meth. I asked Fernando not to do meth on the bench.

Is it Fernando Valenzuela? No. I don't know Fernando's last name. I just know that – his first name. But the guys – Is it Fernando from the episode? I don't know. But I know of. OK. But the guys at the end of the episode that I know of.

But the guys at the end of the block, I always think about like they are the friendliest guys. The guys who are dealing drugs are always like, hey, how you doing? How was your weekend? How was your week? I mean, that is an open ended question. Sure. We could stay there. That kind of invites a longer conversation.

You think they're hoping you'll say it was good but not great. Could have used more drugs. Yeah. It just wasn't as fucked up as I'd like to be. Well, maybe you just do 40 ounces. I think Fernando has taken the drugs. But, yeah. But I have had block parties.

I've had like five block parties. That's pretty good. But people, sometimes people come and sometimes they don't. And I think certain people, there's some very religious people who, I think they came to my first one and I think they thought I was selling the house. And so they were like,

oh yes, we'd like to see the house. And I'm like, oh no, I'm just trying to be friendly. And then their child drew pictures with some crayons provided of hell and what hell looks like when you go there. And I got to tell you, it does not look good. Are you sure it wasn't just pictures of what hell looks like when you're not married to your boyfriend?

Yeah, exactly. But that is interesting about community. When you're a woman, you pursue stand-up comedy as a career. Here's a picture of the microphone. Hell is for people who subscribe to that HBO. That sinful HBO. That is the weird thing about community is you get connected with people. You go, oh, do I want to be connected?

Like that kid was 10 years old. But you know when kids are sort of like, I don't know, something bad is happening in their family because he was like overtly sexual towards me and another woman at the party. This is the hell child? The hell kid. Wow. The hell kid. And I was like, oh, god. Oh, god.

And it's like do I want to say hi to that kid now when I see him or do I not? Because it was kind of scary and then – I mean not – he was a tiny 10-year-old. Do you think these things are – I guess my thing is like, oh, maybe because the child is sexual, the parents threaten him with hell a lot. So he's preoccupied with it or do you think these are – it's not related in that way? I think it's probably totally related in that – this is my picture and my judgment. I like to create tableaus.

Sure. Like a little shoebox diorama of what I think is going on, which is probably not going on. But maybe they – I think, oh, probably the – if you have access to online porn and then you're also doing the going to church and being told you're going to hell all the time, then those things would come together in a wonderful – Fiery conflagration of sorts. Yeah, yes. Sort of fire and brimstone type— And also that women, bitches ain't shit. You know, if you get that—because that message is at church, too, as well as on some online porn.

I know there's some empowering online porn that I really need to get into. We should mention that his church is actually Pastor MC Ren. Who's Pastor MC Ren? It's just a rapper, pastor. Early 90s gangster rapper. I, um, hmm.

The people on my block, I would, yeah, I think I would be comfortable with them on my lawn if they were all together at the same time. But I wouldn't want them to come to my lawn one at a time and I certainly wouldn't want any of them in my house. Well, that's the danger is that people then come over. But sometimes it's really fun though. It's like incredibly fun.

Like there's two little kids who live a couple of houses down. So they'll come and run around the house. And I don't have kids. So it's fun to see kids every once in a while, especially when I know they're going back to their mom. I'll tell you what. I'm a single mother without kids. And it is hard. It is hard.

Thank you. Finally. Thank you. Thank you. That's horrible. I'm sorry. No. God is great. You know, I'm having a little bit of an opposite problem is that my apartment building is not very social.

Not because people are unpleasant in it. Everybody's very nice in my apartment building. There's just not like a common area. Can I ask you a question? Please. Is it because you keep trying to have cookouts in the hallway? It is, yes, exactly, because I am just starting random fires. It's not in a garbage can.

It's not on a grill. It's just I create a fire using magazines. And then you literally just throw hot dogs at it. Yeah, I don't want to get too close to the fire. You've got to hurl them. That is not how it works. But I'm wearing my kiss the cook apron. Who do you know?

Do you know anybody's names? Yeah, I think I'm pretty good with first names in the apartment. Okay, that's good. And I'm pretty friendly with some boyfriends and girlfriends that are coming over too. Fun. Yeah, so it's not – You mean some of your boyfriends and girlfriends. Some of my boyfriends and girlfriends.

I know the names of the people I'm fucking. First names. So that's two groups of people that you know. A lot of the service people that come over have their name

right on their shirt so that's three. No, sure. I usually try and fuck them. But it's the weird, I don't know if you get that because I'm always excited about saying hello to people

but then I get immediately scared once we start talking and my boyfriend has totally witnessed this where I'll say, we've got to connect with people in the neighborhood. We've really got to talk to people. So we'll start talking to the guy who lives down the street at the park, and then I'll – OK, we're talking now, and we're hearing about his job. Oh, God. Oh, God. Well, you know, we probably talking now and we're hearing about his job and when he's – oh, God. Oh, God.

Well, we – you know, we probably better get going. Like there's something about it that's so – the intimacy somehow becomes overwhelming and I don't know why that is. It's like, well, this is my life. Don't I have enough – this is all I want is to be able to chit-chat with people. I think there's some residual for me of the in the neighborhood that I grew up in. Like you just had to be really careful who you talk to, like who you knew. And like we had a lot like there was definitely people that we had. There was tons of people that we had great relationships with.

But like you just really had to take care that you didn't get sucked into a night, a shit storm of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, a shit storm of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and yeah, there is also in those dark moments. We were at the 4th of July picnic. I was there about two years ago and I said, topic of a religion came up and I said something I think, which was sassy.

Sure. What do ladies do? Somebody was saying, you know, that they're Christians. You were going for the scoop. Yeah, I was going for the scoop. And I had an A-line skirt. And I said, oh, yeah, I don't really believe in God, but I do go to a church. I go to the Unitarian Unicorns because they basically just played Beatles tunes and read poetry.

And the woman said, oh, I guess you probably haven't, if you don't believe in God, you probably haven't been through that much suffering in your life. Ah! Wow. I was like, whoa, we're going there over the hot dogs. Let's get into suffering. Give us a call. Marie, it sounds like your religion.

1-800-EagleRock, E-A-G-L-R-O-K. Give us a call. Let us know what you think about God, suffering, hell, and the Bible. Your religion is my orange is the new black. Oh, really? I feel like I've been in so many situations where people talk about, just are getting into conversations about how much they love that show. And I'm like, I'm going to go somewhere else. No, I'm going to go not here.

No, I'm going to start a fight. You don't like Orange is the New Black or the Unitarian Church? Oh, I'd say that I enjoy the Unitarian Church. My mom asked me about Orange is the New Black today. She's like, Jesse, should I be watching that Orange is the New Black? And I thought about it and I said, she said, have you seen it? And I said, yeah, I watch a couple of them. And she said, should I watch it?

And I was like, I thought about it for a minute. I said, well, you should talk to Teresa. She likes it. I think – I feel the same way about that that I feel about – as you feel about Ani DeFranco. It's like, oh, I respect a lot of what's going on here. I think there's a lot of great ideas and it's great that this exists. I will now never watch – I will now stop trying to watch it. Yeah, for sure.

I know. I like it. No, I think a lot of smart, discer trying to watch it. Yeah, for sure. I know. I like it. That's fine. I think a lot of smart, discerning people enjoy it. Yeah. And a lot of good people work on it. Yes. Yes.

It's very – I don't know. I mean it's totally what prison is like, you guys. Exactly what prison is. I've heard it's not like prison. Prison is not like that at all. Prison is not that sexy? It's not that sexy and it's a bit boring, it turns out. And you can't do anything.

You cannot do anything. You can't have parties. You don't have dress-up days. There's beauty pageants, right? No. There's no hair salon within somebody's jail cell. Basically, everybody in prison is like a good person, though, right? Like at the end of the day. Like the kind of person you'd want to root for.

Well, I mean, every and I feel like every human being I'd want to root for. Oh, my God. This was this. We had a you should say you should write that down and use it on Sunday. Well, I got it from them because the 15-year-old had this graduation ceremony. Instead of getting confirmed or saying they're going to give their lives to Christ, they get up and say what they actually believe in. And this kid got up and he – it was so brave of him because, you know, I don't know. It's a group of hippie liberals or whatever who are sitting in the crowd. He said, I know this is probably not going to go over well, but I believe that for me, like everybody's good.

Like even Hitler was a good person. And it's just like, oh, no. Where I thought you were going with that was something like, I don't know how you guys are going to feel about this, but I just really think the Tea Party has a lot of good points. Well, oh, my God. Why should a business have to pay for a woman's procedure that they don't believe in? He just goes, I'm really happy I discovered a community where all religious beliefs are supported, and I feel like I can be supportive, supported because abortion is murder.

Rand Paul 2012. That would have totally been the perfect statement of faith. That would have been awesome. Yeah, because that's the only problem with the Unitary Unicorns is like the – Tolerance of class. Tolerance of class. You're valid. Oh, so valid.

All opinions are okay. I mean that would have been great. How many people at your Unitarian church? I think the – On a given Sunday, how many in the pews? Well, during the school year, it's a 9.30 and 11.30 and there's probably like 250 a group, maybe 200, 200 group. And then during the summer, there's probably like 200 just one time a Sunday. I like it just because it's – there's free cheesecake made by an 89-year-old man who makes enormous giant cheesecakes.

That's the big – one of the biggest draws. Number one. Fresh coffee with cream. Also, yeah, I mean there's a bunch of goofballs who all sort of don't believe in anything. And so – and then you sing – Are these goofballs or yahoos, Maria? Well, exactly. Are these more goof sing these goofballs are yahoos maria exactly are these more goofballs or are these more yahoos you gotta identify that for yourself really

and um um but it i think it's comforting just to hear because you never i i don't hear poetry that much and i don't and it's and it's a little bit like stand-up without the jokes, you know, which … Sounds great. Yeah. I do – yeah. What I like about stand-up is the presentation, not the humor. No, but like I do like inspirational – it's kind of like NPR. It's like – it's just like listening to NPR but with a positive bent.

Knowing that you'll get a cheesecake at the end. And knowing you'll get a freaking cheesecake at the end. Can you imagine how popular NPR would be if at the end of every listening session – If your radio just shot a cheesecake at you somehow? That would be perfect. You know what I'm imagining? I don't – I imagine that there – I imagine there's regular clergy. But in my head, I immediately went to a panel of rotating speakers.

And as soon as I imagined the panel of rotating speakers, one of them was a guy from the post office. One of them was a fireman. One of them was a police officer. So it's like career day or the village people? No, it's like elementary school. Oh, okay. It was like when people come in to show you like how to address an envelope and how to

use your zip plus four. Well, that's exactly what it is. Anyone can do a sermon. Anyone can get up and do a sermon. Like something will help you. Well, that kid's point I think has to be taken that that was, you know, if you say you love everybody, then you love everybody. Here's the thing. Hitler's dead.

Yeah. But that kid had built a simulated Hitler. A mecha Hitler. A sure he is. This kid's favorite PC game was Wolfenstein. And then he ate some dog's food to get health. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go.

It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne. America's ready. Jordan, Boris girl reporter, Maria Bamford, love songs on the Coast.

This one's going out to Pepe from Tweety Bird. Sorry, you're in jail. I just want to say I love you so much. And I just know that you didn't mean a lot of the things that you said the last time we talked. And I didn't either. And I just miss you so much. And I'll be there to pick you up in 2017. Can I tell you that I overheard – This is the best podcast, by the way, that right there.

Can we just have a podcast of that? I think there are. There are jail podcasts for you. I overheard a – on the 4th of July, my mother and my son and I went to this place called Flat Top, Montecito Heights in Los Angeles, a big hill. And you go out there and you can see like 180, 225 degrees of fireworks. It's totally amazing. You see like all the fireworks displays in all of Los Angeles all at the same time. It's really cool.

And a lot of young lovers. A lot of young lovers. And a lot of young lovers. Oh. A lot of young lovers. And two of them were this young couple. And the woman was saying to the guy, maybe they're 24, you know? Yeah.

Sure. The woman's saying to the guy, this is the kind of thing we should be doing. Mad about it already. That loud. She goes, we should be doing something like this once a month, whether it's this or the beach or whatever. I agree with her personally. I say you should be getting out of the house. Get out once a month. Sure.

Once a month. That's my rule. Get out once a month. The rest of the month, stay inside. Lock it down. Get in there. Lock it down. Get out once a month. The rest of the month, stay inside. Lock it down. Get in there. Lock it down. Get in there. Start binge watching Star Trek The Next Generation.

This is the kind of thing we should be doing. I like the rage behind it. This is... Everyone was a little... Everyone was buzzed. There was not a lot of hammered people there, but a lot of buzzed people. So people were really

talking about those fireworks. Really? Saying that fireworks were happening. Telling you, look at that. You can see fireworks over there and you can see fireworks over there. There's three

different fireworks you can see. Where did you grow up, Jesse? San Francisco. Okay, okay. San Francisco. San Francisco, you just got to one. You got to orient yourself towards the key set of fireworks or you're out of luck.

Yeah, Highland Park, there are 17 fireworks going on. Well, yeah. Every house has a set of fireworks. There's a lot of autonomous fireworks displays. Fireworks not sanctioned by the city. There's one on my block. We came home. We missed it.

I thank God because I just – I find it so frightening them going off so close to your face. Yeah. It terrifies me. Fireworks not sanctioned by the city, sanctioned by Dan's cousin Brad who went to Mexico and got some sweet M80s. Fireworks deeply, deeply, deeply fraught for me because my father was both my family's not even close, my family's number one fireworks booster and also my family's number one war-related post-traumatic stress disorder hacker. Which war? Vietnam?

Vietnam. So my dad would – he loved fireworks so much. But the whole time, he's like white-knuckling it. Oh, my God. It was such a nightmare combination. It's like a whole week of my dad being completely insane because there's fireworks going off randomly. Oh, God. Just tears coursing down his face. But he also

loves fireworks. He loves fireworks. He loves fireworks in the circus and you can't take it away from him. You know what I mean? Did he ever have any bad experiences with clowns? No. No bad experiences. Thankfully. That's good.

Thankfully, they did not. A couple clowns tried to get on the carrier. Yeah. But they would not let them on. I mean, they'll fit. Yeah. Have you ever met- If it's an issue of space, the clowns will fit.

Sure. They will find a way to fit. Sure. They'll sleep three to a bunk. Sure. Have you ever met a clown that you haven't been frightened but delighted by? When they're clowning? Yes.

I've seen... There's one clown I've seen, the guy who's eight feet tall and he wears the white clown costume and he sings sad balladeer songs. Oh, sure. This is a popular internet clown. I've been made aware

of this internet clown recently. I think I've seen this clown on the internet, too. This is a popular internet clown. I've been made aware of this internet clown recently. I think I've seen this clown on the internet, too. He sings sort of like a three tenors type thing, right? Yeah. Like a popular romantic song. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's very sad. But anyway, I'm sorry. I interrupted you. I'm scared of that clown. You know, our

friend Steven Simon from the sketch comedy duo 10 West is a professional clown. He went to Barnum and Bailey's clown school and clowns professionally from time to time. 10 West also do clowny type sketch comedy where it's like silent and music is playing. Okay. But they're not in clown suits. No red noses? No music is playing. Okay. But they're not in clown suits. No red noses?

No red noses. Okay. But it is clowny type. I mean, they're doing clown bits. Yeah. You know, getting hit by stuff and falling over. But no red noses or goofball stuff. But they are wearing sort of nose weird makeup, but they are wearing sort of clowny clothes, if that makes sense.

Yeah, polka dots. Like a sort of hobo-y type of – A baggy pant. Like a baggy pant and a hobo and – but that I've seen and it is like brought me to tears because it's so amazing. Aw. Which most things like that I hate. I'm going to be frank with you, Maria. Yes, yes.

But that has brought me to tears with its amazingness. But generally speaking, in terms of people in clown suits, no. I'm not afraid of clowns either. I just don't want to look at it. Yeah, I'm afraid of clowns a little bit. Really? But I mean, the classic ones. The classic ones.

If I see like a European-style clown who's got the red nose. You're not afraid of him because you know you could take him. Jeez. You know, with his little tappy tippy toes. Because he's too drunk on wine at four in the afternoon. He's drunk on baguettes. Is that possible? Fermented baguettes.

That seems possible. Yeah. A sour baguette is fermented. I'm clown neutral. Okay. Don't care. Our sponsor on this week's program, our friends at VG Kids, a full-service screen printing company. They screen.

They'll silkscreen. I'm going to give you a list, Jordan. I'd love to hear a list. What can I get silkscreened at VG Kids? Rock posters. Great. What? Non-rock posters.

Okay. Folk posters. What? R&B posters. Art posters. Fart posters. Great. What? Non-rock posters. Okay. Folk posters. What? R&B posters. Art posters. Fart posters. Dart posters. Sounds similar.

Art prints wedding invitations. That's the song. That's the wedding song. Custom clothing. Got a softball team. Sure. Custom clothing. Got a softball team. Sure. Feels right. Got a comedy group.

Eco-friendly record packaging. Great. Vinyl stickers. Not leather stickers, probably. Just vinyl. They stick to vinyl. Full-color digital printing. Postcards, banners, whatever.

We use them for our own stuff. Have for many, many years. We like them. They are in Michigan where they started this because there was no printing company that catered to their area's punk rock scene. Is this Ann Arbor are we talking about? It's Ann Arbor and Virens. It's Ann Arbor adjacent if I remember correctly.

Wonderful. We had or at least I had breakfast with them when we were in Ann Arbor. Zingerman's? Yes. Exactly. The famous delicatessen of Ann Arbor. Another small business. Right now people in Ann Arbor are like, yes!

That's our famous business. Or they're mad because you didn't mention the deli that they think is better. Yeah. I don't want to go there and take a class on how to be a business owner. Oh. Vacation idea, Scott. You can catch a University of Michigan football game.

I've heard there's lakes. We both love tournaments. They'll also help you with your fulfillment and design if you need it. VGKids.com. Nice folks in Michigan. They're very good kids in Michigan. They're very sweet.

VGKids.com. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's easy. It's affordable. Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron. We'll share your message with the world. Jordan,. It's easy. It's affordable. Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron. We'll share your message with the world. Jordan, Jesse, go listener. If you want to sponsor any of our Max Fund shows, email Teresa at Maximumfund.org. We'll put together an advertising package, a cross-platform ad pack.

What does that start at, Jesse? Very affordable rates. Okay. Are we talking, I mean, I'm a small business. At Bamfucco, I mean, we only have three employees. Maria, we'll work with you. Okay. I'll give her a call. We'll work with you on rates. Call her on the email at Teresa at MaximumFun.org.

We'll talk to you in just a second. I'm Jordan Jussie Kell. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Maria Bamford, here today. Gone tamale, though. That's the bad news. She's got to go make some tamales. Yep. That tamale, though. That's the bad news. She's got to go make some tamales. Yep. That sounds good, though. I have a part-time job,

which takes the focus and the pressure off of my A job. Yeah. And you make a tremendous tamale, whether it's a cold tamale or a hot tamale. I'm interested. Yeah. Thank you. You know what I mean? Thank a hot tamale, I'm interested. Yeah. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. You know what I mean? I have tried to bring excellence to what I do, even if it's in a half-assed way. Can I tell you guys a secret? Sure. Our office is right next to a famous tamale restaurant in Los Angeles. I don't like the tamales there. I don't think they're that good.

That's my orange is the new black. Well, I guess orange is the new black. Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like the tamales. Too much masa. There's another tamale you prefer. I haven't had any other good ones in LA. But the problem is if you've got too much masa, it's just gummy in your mouth. You need a better ratio of filling, you know? Yeah. You guys know what I'm talking about. I do.

I do. Look, let's take this thing home. It's been a joy to have you on the program, Maria. Thank you so much for having me. Maria, you're one of our favorite guests of anyone in the entire world, one of the funniest people in the entire world. Oh, God. One of our favorite people in the entire world. Okay.

One of the most worldly people in the entire world. You guys have families, right? No, I don't have a family. Mine were all killed. In a shipwreck, so that whole segment was a little tough for me. We went on vacation with our families together, and one day while we were in a dinghy, the boat got torpedoed. Only eat the liver of the albatross.

Well, now you tell me. Now that I'm over my albatross squirts. All right. Next time, only eat the liver, I guess. Classic. Maria, you're a stand-up comic. Yes. Are you going to be traveling this great nation

Delivering comedy to the good people? Yes, July 22nd and 23rd I'll be at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte, North Carolina With the delightful Miss Jackie Cation Oh, she's a delight Host of the Dork Forest Past guest on Jordan and Jessie Go Saturday, September 6th

I'll be at the Rialto Theater in Tucson, Arizona I'll also be at Bumbershoot in Seattle. I don't know what time yet, though. And then October 25th, I'll be at the Festival Supreme in Los Angeles, California, where the headliner Jack Black will be there. And I got that gig through my boyfriend because he's friends with those people. That sounds really fun. I heard about that guy, Jack Black. You know what?

Jack Black was in here. Nice man. He is a nice man, and I am very grateful for the employment. You know what else? Fucking talented. You know why Jack Black became a movie star? Incandescent talent. That's why.

Yeah, it turns out. He's fucking amazing. Someone was asking me, they're like, why aren't you bigger? I'm like, there's something called work ethic. But there is. I mean, I're like, why aren't you bigger? I'm like, there's something called work ethic. But there is. I mean, I think people, you know, you. Some people, that's true. I mean, there are people who have a single-minded drive and focus.

Yes. That brings them to the top. Yes. I like to think I have that, but not the talent. That's not true. Maria, if anybody's out there anywhere within driving range of Tucson. Yes. Anywhere within driving range of Charlotte.

Have you thought about doing comedy shows at driving ranges? And maybe dodging golf balls? Hey, Maria, why don't you go on a tour? Wouldn't that make more sense? Do a bunch of dates in a row in the same area and then earn money and then come back. I hear what you're saying. I've got two old pugs.

I don't know how much time we have left. I now have a boyfriend. I need to get hugs. Sure. I've gotten very hug dependent. So your concerns are hugs and pugs. Yeah, hugs and pugs. Oh, those rhyme.

Plus in Charlotte, you got to worry about bugs. Oh, bugs. Yeah. Tucson less so because it's so dry. Yeah. Well, Tucson, you got to worry about the thugs. Oh, yeah. Sure.

Anyway, that's it. Those are all the words that rhyme. Rugs. Oh, yeah. Rugs. Sure. What? I mean, there's a lot.

Yeah. Lugs. Drugs. Thugs. Drugs. Thugs. Oh, yeah, rugs. Sure. What? I mean, there's a lot. Yeah. Lugs. Drugs. Tugs. Drugs. Tugs. Mugs. Shit, man, we're going to be here all day.

Just to be a two-part episode? What I was going to say is if you, whether or not you already, you probably, if you're listening to this, you probably already love Maria Bamford. Whether or not you already love Maria Bamford. If you're in Tucson or in Charlotte or within driving distance of those places and you don't go see Maria Bamford. Permanent shit list for me. I don't care if you don't have the money. You have to borrow it.

I don't care. I don't care if you have other plans. What if it's sold out? I don't care if you have elective surgery scheduled. Reschedule it. I don't care. I don't care if you have other plans. What if it's sold out? I don't care if you have elective surgery scheduled. Reschedule it. They'll reschedule it. It's elective. Okay?

They're going after that mighty dollar. Yeah, even if I'm back there in six months, you don't know. That's six months. Maria may never return. Maria may be offended by Larry Johnson, superstar forward of the Charlotte Hornets. And she may never return. She may never return.

I'm someone who keeps a grudge. Yeah. Maria is a hateful person. She has a – the hatred inside Maria burns so brightly. It's as incandescent as Jack Black's talent. I get so mad. Seriously. Don't be a chump.

Get out there. Get out there and see that. Maria is literally as good a comedian as you can see in a comedy club in America. comedian as you can see in a comedy club in America. It will, it will, you will go, you will leave that show, as I always do every time I see Maria Bamford perform, thinking, I have just seen someone do something masterful and beautiful and amazing. And I laughed my gut until it hurt the entire time. Wait a minute.

Am I the Annie DeFranco of comedy? Yes. You did two albums a year, right? You give me a hurt gut. You had a span where you did two albums a year. She did two albums a year? One acoustic, one electric. You're inexplicably friends with Prince, right?

Just go see the great Maria Bamford please come and you got a new you got a new web series on the way too we did two episodes with Lenny or Die we don't know if they're

going to renew us we did it it's called The Program and it's based on a 12-step program that is mostly only occurs in Los Angeles and New York

it's called Debtors Anonymous and it is a from what I've heard, a wonderful program for people with money issues, which seems to happen a lot in Los Angeles and New York. So we did – it's sort of a short series about that. Let us know what you think. If it's positive or constructive. If it's not, you might want to keep that in your old... Don't just let Maria know if you think it looks fake. Yeah. Fake.

Melinda and I, Hill and I made it. And then I got my Netflix version of my special on Netflix. Maria's special is so magical. For anyone who hasn't seen Maria's special, special, special, three specials, right?

Yeah, three. It's Maria performing her headlining stand-up comedy act, which is brilliant and hilarious, at her house in front of her parents. Just me and my parents. Well, Jackie Cation's there. Jackie Cation was the opening act. And you have a pianist. And there's a keyboard player. And there's the camera crew.

In a small space. But mostly it's just your parents. Mostly it's just my parents. And your brilliant comedy actor. It's so great and so amazing. Yeah. Maria Bamford. Thank you so much for having me. Always a joy. Always a delight to be here. Our producer

is Brian Fernandez. Sonny D out there in jolly old England. Lindsay Pavlis on the boards this week. Thank you very much Lindsay Pavlis. Our thanks of course to soccer for being so entertaining

to people around this great globe that we call the blue spinning marble earth. Can I tell a really quick soccer story? Yeah. It's really quick. Yeah. I was with a friend in a bar.

I could see the TV and he could not see the TV. And on the TV they had a – they were just showing some World Cup stuff and they were showing a turtle who was pushing soccer balls into goals. Like they would put a fish in front of the ball and the turtle would swim for the fish. They would move the fish. The turtle would hit the ball into a goal and I just kind of rolled my eyes because I feel like this happens every year. There was like the octopus that picked. There's this dog. Well, there was a big octopus.

The octopus was huge and then everybody has been copying the octopus. Yeah, there's like a dog who's – there's a dog goalie and stuff like that. And I said to my friend, God, I am just so sick of these soccer-playing animals. And he looked at me agog. He just thought I was talking about the races of people who play soccer. Oh, my God. I'm like, oh, no. Turn around.

There's a turtle. It's a turtle playing. It's an actual animal. I'm not being the world's most racist person. That's it. Oh, my God. I really appreciate it. I mean, most of the footage I've watched has been animals playing soccer.

I watched a turtle and a dog play soccer. Against each other? Against each other in an Italian Facebook feed. Oh, wow. I'm so grateful. There is, you know, like, you know those, you know you know those like Air Bud movies? You know, Air Bud, Air Bud, Golden Receiver. MVP, Most Valuable Primate.

There's a movie that is not part of the Air Bud franchise that are – my producer Julia's boyfriend is a musician and one of his songs is in this movie. boyfriend is a musician and one of his songs is in this movie and so at her house she gets residual checks from this but they're like for one cent and two cents and one cent and two cents and it's called Soccer Dog colon the movie.

Based on the play. Yeah. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Desi Go. Okay, we'll talk to you next time Thank you so much Bye