Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 335: Live at the Downtown Independent with Janet Varney

Episode Date: July 28, 2014

Janet Varney joins Jordan and Jesse at their live show with My Brother, My Brother and Me at the Downtown Independent in Los Angeles.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. Hey gang, Jordan Morris here. This week on Jordan and Jesse Go, we're going to be playing a special live episode we recorded at the Downtown Independent Theater here in Los Angeles as part of a special bill with my brother, my brother, and me. Our guest will be the great Janet Varney. She's the host of the JV Club podcast over there on Nerdist.com and a featured player in the show You're the Worst. It's on FX 1030 on Thursdays. It's a very funny show.

You should watch it. A little bit of business up top. We're having our merch competition. We're having our merch competition, so if you have an idea or a design you'd like to see on a piece of Jordan Jesse Go merchandise, give Lindsay an email, lindsay at maximumfun.org. Pitch her your merch, show her your design, and maybe we'll put it up there in the MaxFun store and share the profitsesseGo merchandise, you should head over there to MaxFunStore.com. We've got JordanJesseGo t-shirts, full short t-shirts, and there's a bunch of other MaxFun stuff there you can check out. So to recap, email Lindsay at MaximumFun.org with your merch ideas. Go to MaxFunStore.com for JordanJesseGo t-, and enjoy this special live episode. Hello, my name is Justin McElroy. I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for coming to our show this evening.

We're sorry about the wait, but I'm glad you're all here. 30 years ago, there weren't any podcasts. This is true. And 30 years ago, there weren't any podcasts and they hadn't been admitted and nobody had anything to listen to on their iPods.

And it was a dark time, but then two fellows came along. They invented podcasting. They then two fellows came along. They invented podcasting. They invented podcasting for me. They invented it for you. For years, no one listens. iPods hadn't been invented yet.

But then 15 years later, they were. They were powered by tape. So from a ratty tape-distributed podcast that they called it that, one knew why what's a pod are you future people i'm so confused from that they grew into the most powerful entertainment media superstars on theing, Jordan Jesse Goh. Very excited to be here, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, thank you, Justin, for that rambling fake intro. Insincerity. When we look for an intro person, an introducer, we always say, how insincere can you be? One note, Justin.

Actually make the jack-off motion with your hands while you're talking. You implied it with your tone. But I'd like to see it. It is so exciting to be here. It's nice to be the support act for once. I feel like the students have become the teachers. I hope they don't strike us down. Oh, wait, then we'll become more powerful than they can ever imagine.

Exactly. There's nothing to worry about. I thought that specific line from Star Wars would get a bigger laugh. I guess I don't know my audience. I am excited to be here. I had an amazing day today, just full of dad magic. Okay. I'm a to be here. I had an amazing day today, just full of dad magic. Okay. I'm a dad now.

First of all, there's a shirtless guy that lives on my block. And you're his dad. You're adopting transients now. Is that kind of your thing? Like Angelina Jolie will adopt third world children. You'll just find a drugged out transient. Honestly, there's a guy with his dick always out that lives in my house. The only good news is he's seven months old.

Not that big a deal. Is he going to Burning Man this year? There's a shirtless guy that lives in my block. He just walks his pit bull that he can't control all the time up and down the block with no shirt on. It's pretty intense. Anyway, he drives a Miata, a white Miata. But the big news is – Jesse, I think you might be neighbors with the mayor of Toronto.

The big news is – well, the old big news that Jordan Jesse Go fans probably already know was that this past winter he got a new roof for his Miata, which previously just had a tarp over it. But now the big news is he got a second Miata that's orange. So he's going up in the world. He's moving up in the world with Miata. Something is going right for the shirtless guy, but I don't think I want to know what it is. I think kids are just getting into ecstasy again. He's got the ecstasy,

and he's got a little extra Miata money. I also went to the children's gymnasium today, which I had never been to. This is where toddlers go to work out, to get totally ripped. It's real. It's in a strip mall in Pasadena, California here. I just get so self-conscious when I go to the gay toddler gym because those toddlers work out.

And their pubes are so manicured. Oh, yeah. And you're in the showers. This is the businesses that are in the strip mall in Pasadena that contains the toddler gym. The bad news is that your toddler went to the gym and he's juicing. The good news is that it's a Capri Sun. A woman in the front row just shook her head at me. I came here for funny Yahoo answers.

Not toddler puns. These two probably aren't even related. Where's your E3 badges? I'm sorry, ma'am. It'll be over soon. Four businesses in the strip mall. Left to right. I'm going to go left to right.

Petco. Petco Grooming Center. Toddler Gym. Handgun Superstore. I feel like if you could just, if there's just a place in that strip mall for a medical marijuana dispensary, you will have the fucking

Southern California strip mall trifecta. I was walking... A trifecta with more than three things. Don't correct me. I was walking through the gym, I was walking through the gymnasium parking lot to get to the gymnasium, holding my son,

and I walked past this truck that had all these gun bumper stickers on it and, like, Halliburton and, like, you know, like. Halliburton? Yeah. Like, go Halliburton. Like, I'll kill you, A-Rab. Like, all that kind of stuff. It was really intense. And I was like, where is this coming from?

Then I saw the gun store. Then I saw the gun store. And on the way back, I noticed that this truck was a RAV4 and had a club on it. And I was just like, hey, gun guy, nobody's coming for your RAV4. There's not a gang of, like, practical lesbians out there. Who are also very conservative. And are super into the second amendment Rav4s

for their gun rights bumper stickers so that was dad thing number two that happened to me dad thing number three that happened to me

today was my son initiated with me a game of Daniel Striped Tiger goes to a restaurant which is pretty cool like that's a pretty

my son's not quite three years old, so anytime he does a complicated game, I'm always sort of proud of him because it's imaginative of him. And so he said, you know, I'm Daniel Striped Tiger. Obviously, he's going to be Daniel Striped Tiger. And I said, who am I?

And he said, you are who sells at the restaurant, which is the owner of the restaurant. And I said, who's I? And he said, you are who sells at the restaurant, which is the owner of the restaurant. And I said, who's that? And he said, John Hodgman. I like how your son is making you play other podcasters. I have been replaced by Hodgman in my own family.

That's where I'm at now. I think at some point he's going to make you play Mark Maron interviews the guy from Dinosaur Junior. You'll be Mark Maron. He'll be the guy from Dinosaur Junior and they'll really get into it. Yeah. They'll really dig deep. Addiction. Yeah, sure.

Anyway. Can I come over to your house and if I need to babysit the kids, can I just play other podcasters with them? Yeah, sure. What podcaster would you like to be? I'll just be stuff you should know. And I'll teach them about medieval torture and where AIDS came from. For some reason, I just automatically assumed you would be Grammar Girl.

Oh, have you heard Toddler's Grammar? It's awful. Yeah. Anyway, I'm super dadded out, but I'm still... There's probably some Jordan Jesse... You can't see. Jesse is dadded out. As he was having that conversation, I could see under the table his shoes morphed into

sandals with black socks Underneath this hip jacket It's a Big Johnson t-shirt Oh dad you're hilarious Liquor in the front Poker in the rear That means two things Fuck my dad's funny

Now son Language Sorry dad You're just fucking hilarious Oh man that shirt's the best I love you Fuck my dad's funny. Now son, language. Sorry, dad, you're just fucking hilarious. Oh, man, that shirt's the best. I love you. Do you like this character I've invented of your son who just loves you a bunch and thinks you're cool? Man, you're right, dad.

Led Zeppelin's the best. Better than these bands we have now. I'm going to sleep in the yard so you and mom can make love. But I'm not, I'm not also, I'm not, I'm not only a dad. I'm Jesse. I thought you were only a dad. I thought that was your sole identity. I'm also the voice of the millennial generation.

For the home listener, Jesse is doing some Eva Peron-esque grandstanding. And as the voice of the millennial generation, I'm sure there are some parents here. grandstanding. And as the voice of the millennial generation, I'm sure there are some parents here who need to stay in touch with their teenagers. And so for that reason, I mean, speaking of people in the front row shaking their heads, when you said I bet there's some other parents here. This guy in the front row was just shaking

his head. Like, nah, dude, I got there's some other parents here. This guy in the front row was just shaking his head. Like, nah, dude, I got a vasectomy. Nah, dude, did you not know I had a vasectomy? I'm not knocking up any chicks. It had cut into my gears time. Ah. So, teenagers. Thank you, the audience is helping us keep on track. What were we talking about?

You can just yell out another topic you would rather us be discussing. Where were we again? Kites. Oh, yeah. Kites are gay. Are there any parents in the audience tonight? Yeah, there's one right here. There's a couple right here.

Well, great news for you. Great news for you. I don't know how old your children are. Don't yell it out. It would only derail the show further. Kites! But no matter what age they are now, they'll probably end up becoming teenagers, which is why we've put together

this segment that... Unless they die. They could die. Your children could die before they become teens. It's just a reality. But with all the sharks out there... Oh, wait. Look at this. Wait, no. Oh, wait. It's called Teen Update.

Teen Update, everybody. We're going to give a Teen Update. Teen Update. Teen Update, everybody. We're going to give a Teen Update. Jordan, you've heard about Beezin, right? I have heard about Beezin. This is an unfortunate trend. Anybody here know about Beezin? No, a lot of people are shaking heads.

Do you want to explain Beezin? Well, this is a dangerous trend that 99, 100% of teens are currently doing right now. Almost to all of teens. Yeah, basically all teens. It started with rainbow parties. It moved on to Snapchat planking. Snapchat planking. And now we're here at Beeson, which is when you get a tube of Burt's Bees chapstick, and you rub it on your eyelids to get high.

I won't say a buzz because that's a pun and I don't think we should be making light of this because it's an epidemic, frankly. And I want to make clear, while the rest of the things that we're about to say are real, that was actually real. Beeson is a real thing in the real world. Here are some more things that are real.

These ones are real. The premise of this is complicated. Here, these are real, too. So we just want to let you guys know what else teens are doing. Obviously, some of you have heard of Beeson. These are some other things that are definitely going on with most to all teens. Right. Whether you're a teen who wants to be cooler,

a parent who wants to know what teens are up to, we're here to tell you about dangerous teen trends to watch out for. There's something called hucking. Hucking. That's starting to paint a fence, then finding the task dull, convincing a passerby that it's fun, and leaving. Hucking. Four and twentying is a big thing with teens now?

That's when you stuff a pie with live birds, then present it to teachers, judges, art critics, or other authority figures. Of course, this is a bad one. It's Bieber-ing. It's being a secret racist, but also friends with Usher. How are you friends with Usher when you're saying the N-word a lot? I don't know. World cupping, which is walking around like you're hot shit

because you're an American who likes soccer, but then falling over and crying on the ground, clutching your shin. There's Sandler baiting. That's trying to provoke fights by insisting the last few Adam Sandler movies were his best. Now, I know what you're thinking when you hear the title Sandler baiting. It seems like it means masturbating to Adam Sandler movies. That's actually a separate thing. It's called the water boy.

There's a lot of things. Ever since you guys have heard of sexting, right? Since sexting became a thing, there have been a lot of sort of copycat activities of sexting. Birthday checksting, rex and effectsting, Tyrannosaurus rexsting, Malcolm X-ting,

and adding an annex to your duplex to make it a triplex-ting. And of course you pay for that all with your amex thing. That one wasn't on the paper. I just made it up. Of course there's the trend Carol Burnetting. That's warming America's hearts with your comic antics

and those of your close personal friend Martin Mull. Which actually reminds me of another one. This is sort of a spin-off of that one. It's called Dorfing. Dorfing is where you cut your legs off at the knee and then play golf. It's so specific.

I apologize to people who don't know what Dorf on golf is. We also wanted to just let you guys know some slang names for some street drugs that are around. A lot of times the teens will be talking or texting, sexting, Snapchatting, aiming, ICQing. Sending each other secret messages in Minecraft. About drugs, and you don't even know they're talking about drugs because you don't know the slang terminology. So we're going to teach you some of the slang terminology.

Marijuana, which you guys would probably know as pot or gange or dubes. Teens call it soul. Some call it optima. Some people call it Sedona. Basically, they call it Any Kia. The name of Any Kia is what they call. LSD, kids are calling Veronica's Closet or The Single Guy. Basically, throwbacks to the must-see TV of the 90s.

Cocaine, kids, you know it is blow, but kids call it Uncle John's Secret sometimes. Mama's Lament. And Grandpa killed a bunch of guys in the war, but he doesn't like to talk about it. Is what they call cocaine. Amphetamines.

Amphetamines, the kids are calling it. My name is Joe. I'll be your server. Everything good over here? And was that regular or decaf? A lot of times waiters will be trying to sell you amphetamines. It's hard to parse. It can be hard

to parse because if they say that to you and you say I'd like five amphetamines it could be trouble. You got the way to tell? Honestly? Should I tell them this? Yeah. I mean, we're informing them, right?

This is not a comedy show. This is an information show. If your waiter is a teen, they're trying to sell you amphetamines. If it's a sweet old lady, she's not trying to sell you amphetamines. Angel dust she wants to sell you. Ecstasy. Ecstasy. Ecstasy. A lot of people MDMA these days.

Molly. Different things that you might know it as. But teens these days, sometimes called Bulbasaur. Sometimes called Rapidash. Sometimes called Diane Wiest. And finally, magic mushrooms. Kids are calling Bloomin' Onions, Oreo Speedwagon, or Guy Fieri's Blue Cheese Butt Plug. We figure we just close it on the butt plug one, you know?

That's teen trends, teen update. Teen update, everybody. The teens. You want to introduce our guest, Jordan? I would love to. She is a beloved actress, the voice of the cartoon character Cora. She is a famous improviser. She is the host of the JV Club podcast.

She is a beloved regular on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Please welcome to the stage Miss Janet Varney. What if this is where I had to stand? Thanks for having me on, you guys. How's it over there?

How do you answer the charges? What's all this? Janet would like to choose the trial by combat. Yes, there's lube under the table. That's for later. That's for later. It actually is for later.

We are going to do something with it later. It's not specifically for sex. Sounds like a horrible thing to say. It sounds like the commercial for this, based on this experience I just had, was, what? I was walking. I tripped and fell into some lube. Are we going to give those away later?

We have actually, MaxFun has its own lube. It's a rocket lube. Some people might have already. Did anybody grab some on their way in? Yeah. This guy didn't want to woo, but he did give this. Yeah, like you pledged yourself to the lube just then. You know what I sort of interpreted it as?

Yeah, it's for my penis. Sure, sure. This stuff doesn't go bad, right? If I kept it for a while, it'd be cool. I'm sure he could find a way to use that. It freezes. It freezes. It's like soup.

Yeah, definitely set it down next to your water bottle. It will happen. We've guaranteed that. It's water-based, so you'll get a little bit of hydration. Sure, sure. Sexy hydration. Yeah. Things going well for you, Janet?

Sure, yes. I would say big picture, yes. I would say today, meh. Oh, no, meh? Yeah. What happened? Waiting too long? Can I guess?

This is real life stuff, like Beeson. Yeah. Not like the other real life stuff. Right. Right. You can certainly guess. Yes, please guess. My presumption is, and this is, I'm not 100% sure on this, but I'd put it at 80%.

You went to Quiznos, but they didn't toast the bun. That's the whole reason you went to Quiznos instead of Subway? In my Hollywood life, that's a really bad day, you guys. Hashtag first world problems. Yeah. Can I guess?

Yes. And that is incorrect. You couldn't get into the spin class at Toddler Gym. Because your fontanelle has hardened. Yeah, you have to be

shorter than this high. Yeah. And my stupid hard fontanelle. Yes. Thanks, you have to be shorter than this high. Yeah. And my stupid hard fontanelle, yes. Thanks for bringing that sensitive subject up. Sorry. Sorry, I know you don't like to talk about your fontanelle. Please. Should I keep saying it?

We should mention, before the show, Janet's publicist was here, and she just briefed us on do's and don'ts. And the only don't was, do not bring up the fontanelle. Jordan goes straight to the fontanelle. What can I say? I like to rattle the cage. Can we agree that that sounds like it's the December's next album? It's a double disc, guys. Double disc, all mandolin.

Yeah. But all about the Civil War. Yeah, all about the Civil War. And the soldiers' soft spots. Sure. So you mentioned that you were going to bike over here but ended up not biking over here? I didn't. What derailed the bike trip?

Because this is why I'm a little bit reluctant because I do feel like this is 85% downer. Okay. And it's also kind of gross. It's 85% downer. Okay. And it's also kind of gross. But I didn't bike because one of the things I did today was go to the emergency room to check back in on my elbow stitches that I got last week after I flew off of my bike when I hit a pothole. So far, this is really good.

Right? Is this the 15%? Oh, 15. Because I am into this. Yeah. It's actually where I buy my edibles, is at the pothole. Yeah.

This is so... Anybody who's eating anything, I should stop talking right now. Yeah, well, fuck them. My stitches were infected. Oh, shit! With what? E. coli.

I don't know. A mold. Possibly. Possibly. Possi. I don't know. A mold. Possibly. Possibly. Could have been Swamp Thing? Might be. I figure it's probably Swamp Thing. It's either Swamp Thing or Cuisinose. It feels like I got

a little bit of Swamp Thing in me. Thanks, Jordan. Speak in a lube. So, I mean, I don't know if it works. We should probably read the directions. Do you want to just put some lube on those stitches? Yes, I do. Couldn't hurt to lube them up.

Where was this at the ER? The whole deal with stitches is they're supposed to be loosey-goosey. That's right. That's right. You want loose, flappy stitches. It's fantastic. By the way, popcorn in the lobby, folks. Ask for the loose and floppy.

I super, super apologize. But this is also true, and I don't do stand-ups, so I always feel like you have to say things like, this is a real thing. It's not like when a stand-up is like, oh my God, when I checked into my hotel. On the way over here, yeah. This is true. Black's not like when a stand-up is like, oh my god, when I checked into my hotel the night. On the way over here. Yeah. This is true.

Black people are like this. Are white people a different way? It's very fresh. But before that I was at the police station because someone stole my identity. What? And so I had to file a police report. A policeman stole your identity? That's right. It's so easy for them it

seems out both out of character and ironic doesn't it funny if we if it even went as far as like when we introduced you it's like ladies and gentlemen janet varney and then an overweight hispanic guy came up here i guess this is janet varney how's the world of voiceover all you need is a social security number what did the person who stole your identity, did the person steal credit cards? Did they buy anything? Yeah, they bought stuff with, like, credit cards. I feel like I was excited to open

and have not since touched when I was, like, 19. It was like, Nordstrom wants me! You know what I mean? And, like, I haven't touched, I haven't done anything with any of that, and I didn't even remember I had them. My Cinnabon card! Yeah. No, I do that't even remember I had them. My Cinnabon card. Yeah.

No, I use that every day. I earned a lot of Cinnabon points. Please. What did they buy? That is a daily. I don't know. Wetzel's Pretzels is my guess. Did they sell those inside of Nordstrom's?

Why are all my references convenience foods today? Am I hungrier than I thought? Yeah, I can't wait for your go-go taquito chunk. That's right. Do you not have time for slow food? I don't. Fuck you, Michael Pollan. You're a podcasting grandfather.

Are you on your way back to becoming Janet Varney again? Gosh, I hope so. But it's weird because when you find out that someone has that, you feel like someone should say, all right, sorry about that. Here's your new social security number. But it's weird because when you find out that someone has that, you feel like someone should say, all right, sorry about that. Here's your new social security number. Right.

But that's not the case. Well, you want a new identity. I still have it. I feel I should be in witness protection. That would be cool. Coming here was maybe the worst thing I could have done for myself, but that's the case. I know. This is a situation where you're making yourself a major celebrity.

You're a target here. Somebody could steal your idea. Somebody could be, one of these people could be Googling directions to a recording studio to tape some sides for Cora right now. And then the next episode of Cora, she just sounds like this. There was nothing I could do. We've got to find the airbender. She had Janet's

social security card on her. I don't really know what goes on on this show. No, you're right on. You're right on. They say, I don't really know what goes on on this show. No, you're right on. You're right on. They say, I don't really know what's going on on this show. They do. They look right into the camera. Very confusing breaking the third wall cartoon.

Speaking of stitches and delicate issues, I performed a little bit of a delicate operation yesterday. Really? Of what type? Self-bris Not that far off I don't Okay this is going to come off as braggy

I'm just going to say it I have a very high clout score You guys know clout It's the website that assigns you a number based on your social media power. Mine is very high. And sometimes companies will send you free things in hopes that you will tweet about it or, I don't know, mention it on a podcast. And I feel like I get a lot of free razors from this, like shaving razors.

I guess maybe just because I'm a – I still decide razors. Yeah. from this, like shaving razors? I guess maybe just because I'm... Let's do a side razor. Yeah. Hey, you're a social media influencer who wants to feel something, anything?

Just something. Even if it's pain. We're looking for people who have a lot of Twitter followers and get into a lot of prison fights. Keep this under your tongue. Hashtag, where's my cigarettes, bitch? Hashtag first world problem.

So I got a package with a clout product, and it was a Gillette razor. And I was looking at the package, and it said Gillette body. It was not just a – and it had all this language on it that seemed like code to me. It was like, for a man's more sensitive areas, for the contours of a man's body. Because I'm a sharp tack, I'm like, oh, this is for my balls. I detected it like, it was like hobo code. Like how hobos would carve a pie onto a fence post to let everyone know. Friendly housewife there.

Yeah. And so I got this thing. When I say friendly housewife, I'm talking about oral. Yeah. And then she bakes you a pie. Yeah. And then she bakes you a pie. Yeah. And I have, now I have, I have never, I have never shaved my business before. I think my grooming has been kind of limited to like once every couple of months I like stand over the kitchen garbage with a pair of scissors.

Yeah, you sort of straddle it. And just take a couple of whacks at it. Make sure there's no gum or Werther's originals in there. Just got some Crayola brand classroom cutters. Are there? Sometimes. I'm intimate with a lot of grandpas. They're always sucking on a Werther's. Gross.

Don't whistle. I'll see you in the car, Grandpa. So I'm like, and I have this compulsion to where I always feel like I need to use coupons that I get. Like, I hoard those Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Like, logically I know that a new one is coming

tomorrow. You can just print them off the internet. Bed Bath & Beyond doesn't have anything good, but I store them. So I feel like if I'm getting something for free, I need to use it. So I felt, I'm like, okay, unprompted by anything, I'm going to shave my balls today with this Gillette Body razor. I know they wanted me to mention it by name, Gillette Body. I shaved my balls with it. That's actually... That's the slogan? Yeah, it comes with an insert in the package that says, Dear social media influencer,

please use the phrase, Gillette Body, colon, I shave my balls with it. So, yeah, so I... And part of the reason why I haven't done it before is just because I'm scared. Like, putting a sharp object next to, you know, the business is... Now you know how women feel. Oh, I meant the sharp object was a penis.

I'm sorry. That wasn't... I'm not good at innuendos. Any razor geeks out there? Any cats in the audience? Any male cats? With barbed penises. They have barbed penises.

Tomcats. Tomcats. Rarrel. So you were apprehensive. So I took it in the shower and just kind of started to, you know, drag it near the penis. Alternate slogan, Gillette, you got this. Very tenderly reassuring, but casual. Can I suggest a third alternative?

Gillette body, colon, drag it near the penis. Everyone out after this, tweet at Gillette. Let them know this is working, that I'm buzz marketing to you guys. So I started out just by taking off the bush. Right. And it worked great. There's a little, like, there's these moisture strips

on either side of the razor, and it's kind of in this, it's in this, you know, plastic casing. Did you juice it up? I hate that they won. They have won by you talking about this. It's working. Send me free things.

Did you put any, did you put any stuff down there first? Did you get some olive oil down there or whatever? Yeah, I just got some EVOO in the shower. I put a little bit of... I was in the shower, so I put a little just like shaving cream on there, and it just washed right off. Can I recommend, instead of olive oil, peanut oil?

Because it has a higher smoke point. Oh, sure. Maybe I'll use some balsamic and feel like I'm on a Mediterranean vacation. Or at least Top Chef. Top Chef, yeah. Top Chef, colon, shave your balls.

I think Gordon Ramsay yelled at me for some reason. Is that who's on Top Chef? No, but it's good enough. I'm around the corner from saying... I'm around the corner from saying, I'm sorry, Jordan, you've been chopped. Barney! Barney! Barney! The audience is not sure how to feel about that one. Mixed bag.

So I took off the bush. Went great. So when you say the bush, are you talking about just the top portion, or are you talking about taking it down to a steady, like a ballpark groundskeeper? Are you talking about taking it from a fairway to a green? No, no. It is now a Tyson frozen chicken breast down there. Huh. Huh. Huh. The whole operation. The whole operation is gone. You. Huh. Huh.

The whole operation. The whole operation is gone. You just started whole hog. You didn't clip it first? No, uh-uh. Oh, wow.

That is good stuff. I was a couple of days away from my over the garbage can clip. Yeah, so I got, and then I started to. And you did seriously do that with no shaving cream

because it all washed off? Yeah. But the strips, and then I started to. Wait, and you did seriously do that with no shaving cream because it all washed off? Yeah. But the strips, the moisture strips. I would say that the scientific principle, the scientific principle behind it is how maybe like a mama cat would clean her babies. It's kind of. Go on. Sort of rough. Kind of a rough, but, you know, still moist.

With love. With love, exactly. Sure, sure. And then I got carried by the scruff of my neck out to a garbage can. Wait, what are we talking about? The moisture strips or your balls or what? Oh, the whole thing. Okay.

Yeah. I just like cats. Okay, so, aw. I was thinking about a cat. A Tyson chicken breast. Just like a Tyson chicken breast. So, yeah, and then I started to kind of use it on the more sensitive areas, and it didn't feel like anything was sharp.

Wait, what are the more sensitive areas? The dick and balls. Oh, I thought you started with the balls. No, no, no, I started with the bush. No, we started with the upper level. The bush is just the up top part? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. My male bush. I thought the whole operation was the bush. My Gavin Rossdale. That's what I call my bush. Uh-huh. That's funnier than I got credit for. Come on, I pulled that guy's name.

So then you started working your way downwards towards the shaft. Yes, and yeah, it all just kind of came off. And it never felt like I had anything sharp down there. It never felt threatening. So there's no punchline to this? This is just a testimonial? Yeah, it works great. For sure your balls are still there.

Yeah, well, so here's the punchline, I guess, is the thing. And this is on a work day, and I'm out of the shower. I'm dressed for work, and I have my kind of computer bag, and then the itching starts. Did you put any salve on it? Any talc? Any balm? Should have? Did you put any calming unguents?

No. So I'm out there, and it just feels like there's a nest of earwigs down there. And so I'm like, what am I going to do? I have to go to work like this. I have to be in several meetings like this. Did you put any like Bengay or talcum? Bengay? I'm like, what am I going to do? I have to go to work like this. I have to be in several meetings like this. And so I... Did you put any like Bengay or talcum? Bengay?

Icy hot? Icy hot down there? And so I got... What I had on my shelf was a tiny bottle of hotel lotion. Uh-huh. So I... At home or at work? Huh?

You had this at work or at home? I had it at home. Okay. And so I threw it in my computer bag and drove to work. And then periodically had to leave to lotion up. And so I'm like, I am basically masturbating at work, but this is just functional. Like, it's just to keep from digging into my pants during a meeting. So yeah, that's definitely something

if I could do it all over again, I would have maybe shaved during a weekend where I could have scratched without bosses seeing me. You didn't even... Okay, number one. Let's start... I'm opening up the floor to questions. Oh, wonderful.

Audience first. Okay, Jesse. Point of clarification. Please. You're assuming that you would do this again? Yeah. It feels great. And I'm very quick in the water. I'm like an eel now.

You should see how fast I... Don't make that gross noise at me. Yeah, I'm eel-like because I shave my balls. Big deal. You should be inspired by that. You don't have eel-like muscles inside your penis, and he does. So yeah, I'm quick in the water.

I do feel... Getting up in there. As necessary. So yeah, and I feel lighter. I feel like a burden's been lifted. And I think if only, if you can find a way to calm the itching, it's great. So what did your, did the

itching, how many hours did it take before the itching naturally settled? 36. It was like a full work day and then some. So how long ago? Like it's only recently stopped itching. How much time out are you? 48? I am, yeah, I'm about,

yeah, that's about right. I feel like you have another two hours before a new itching starts. It might be. Of regrowth. Yeah. I have several lotions

in my car. Yeah. While the McElroys are up here, I'm just going to be lotioning up. If any hotels are listening to this and they want to sponsor

Jordan's ball lotion. Yeah, just give me a little room for a couple hours. Anyway, you seem grossed out, Janet. No, I don't. What happened to me... You should be. It's a gross story. No, I'm super comfortable with it.

Thanks for asking me on the show. Yeah, yeah, no problem. Cora, Nickelodeon, watch it with your kids. No, but now, after you said that places are constantly asking you to give them shout outs and then they send you stuff, in my mind suddenly the computer turned on and so now everything you've mentioned since Gillette, I'm like Gavin Rossdale, his sponsoring Jordan, eels. Gavin Rossdale is huge. Someone sending Jordan eels.

Oh yeah, they're delicious. The band eels. The band eels. The animal eels. We know it. Sushi ingredient eels. Oh yeah, they're delicious. The band eels. The band eels. The animal eels. We know it. Sushi ingredient eels. I have to say, it's not true about eels.

The eel industry is not. Gavin Rossdale, though, has poured a lot of money into clout advertising. He's like, clout is my way back. How's that going for him? It's fair, I would say.

Yeah. Who was he married to? Gwyneth Paltrow? Gwen Stefani. I think Gwen's going to take him back. Are they divorced? I really don't know. We need a status update on Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. I want those two.

They're together. Thank fucking God. We're okay. Can I ask you a secondary question as a follow-up to that? Just something I've been wondering. Please. Is Eve a lesbian? What?

Is Eve the rapper? Yeah. I don't know. From the Gwen Stefani hit. Anyone know? Like, just here for this last thing that was just... She was here? Eve was?

Did she walk out while I was talking about my balls? I think she's right. Because then she's definitely a lesbian. I'm just really curious about that. Because that was a great story. I'm worried, though, that one way or the other, she'd punch me. Like, either way, if I asked her that, she would punch me. So, that's why I asked all these 30-year-old white nerds.

Yeah. We got our answer. We didn't. Yeah, we did not get our answer. Do you, is this something, do you think this is going to be a long term? Right now? Yeah.

Yeah, I'll shave all the time. Really? Yeah, until I die. Would you ever move to waxing? Oh, I don't know. Is that fun? It is. That's what I've heard.

I've heard it's pretty fun. If it's fun, yeah. Because the shaving in the shower was fun. What about, do you think you would ever do, like, fun art? Oh, like a little topiary? Up on your pubis? Yeah, up on your pubis. Maybe your logo, companies.

Gavin Rossdale. Hashtag Rossdale solo album. I think you should just get it so it says Gavin Rossdale. Hashtag Rossdale solo album. I think you should just get it so it says Gavin Rossdale. Okay. Yeah, you know what? I'm going to let it grow back enough to write Gavin Rossdale. Check my Flickr stream. I just like...

You have a very, very wide pelvis if you're able to... It's a huge pelvis. Have you seen it? It's a huge pelvis. I guess I didn't really. You'd have to... I'll take note. You would definitely have to go into the barber shop to do that.

I don't think you could do it yourself. Is that a challenge? Have you thrown down the gauntlets? Sit down in the chair and you're looking at the different options. There's a Nike swoosh and a Lakers logo. Do you have anything with any alternative rockers first and last names? They'll be like,

I'll see what I can do. Give me $100. I'll see what I can do. I think you... They charge by the letter. You don't... I don't like that you don't have faith

in my pube penmanship. My pubemanship. You failed it in second grade. I happen to know that for a fact. It's hard to write cursive now. Because I type so much. When I have to sign a check, what am I doing? Hey.

Do you want to do momentous occasions? I would love to do some momentous occasions. Oh, momentous occasions! Our producer Jennifer, ladies and gentlemen. Jennifer Marmer. Okay. So we'll be asking you to come up to this microphone here. Momentous occasions, when something momentous happens to you, our listener or audience member, we ask that you report it back to us,

the hosts of the podcast, Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse, this is Jordan, this is our friend Janet. Oh, did somebody... I thought if I said that with enough conviction, it would be funny. And that was momentous occasion. Who went to the Price is Right recently? Price is Right?

Come on up! Come on up. Get it? Go to that. He high-fived some dude in the front row. That's cool. What's your name, and what happened at The Price is Right? Sure. My name is J.P. Erickson, and I was...

No last names, please, sir. J.P. We don't want anyone using your Nordstrom card. Don't steal this man's identity. It really hurts. You just fucked yourself out of some Cinnabon points, buddy. My clout score is not that high. I don't think they're coming after me.

I can tell by the length of your pubes. They're sticking out of your jeans. That's how unruly they are. What else can you tell by the length? I want you to become like a pube fortune teller. That's what I mean. Like tea leaves? Please continue.

Yeah, what happened with Price is Right? Of course. JP Morgan, legendary industrialist. I aged very well. So I show up to Price is Right with my friends, two of them from out of state. They're very excited to go to the show. And in line, they're talking about how excited they are, how many episodes they've watched. They know the price of every item.

We walk in. Your friends are chronically unemployed. Yeah, and when you say friends, you mean like, what, spinster aunties? Yeah, you're like a young spry dude. Do you have other 27-year-old friends who are just super into prices hold on hold on when you say out of i've figured it out when you say out of state the state is colorado they're just super baked all the time that's where they all come from that's where they all come from yeah they just make weed nutella and sell it to dispensaries and they they get so excited oh man

when i said weed nutella the stoneriest stoner laugh happened I don't know if anybody caught that But it was full on You know what? Let's play back the tape We can't do that? No Capacity

So JP, did you do any research going into this? Were you wearing a college sweatshirt? I was wearing a college shirt. That's right. That's how all three of us were from, we went to the same college. So that's how we... They love that on Price is Right.

They do. That or in the military of some sort or an old person. Those are kind of the buzzwords as well. Did it at one point occur to you guys

to wear old age makeup? Like college shirts or... Look at those elderly college students And they just have assault rifles Probably in the military too We've cracked this wide open Did your buddies tell them that they had achieved

The military rank of major doobage Yeah The guy who laughed is just hanging out here Till the midnight screening of Donnie Darko. Oh, man, I'm early. Eh, fuck it. So you, what college, what university? Don't need some Swedish fish.

If you don't mind my asking. No, it's all right. University of Iowa. Good for you. Long way from home. They came out to visit. They're ready for the show. Go Sasquatches.

I don't know. Good guess. Good guess. Thank you. All of a sudden. Thank you. Go writing master's degree aspirants, I believe, is what the University of Iowa. Anyway. Who are you?

Just first name. Some guy? They put me in this. They put us, the three of us, in the second row. And we get very excited. This is a big deal. They were funneling everyone else into the back. That's the splash zone.

For when Shamu plays Plinko. And then they start calling up people to contestants' row. And my name gets called. And I'm the least experienced. Haven't seen the show in years. Like you're, like you're a virgin? Your mom does all your shopping. In Price is Right terms.

Okay. I'm very inexperienced. And so, uh. So you're a successful, happy person. Right. Very successful life. Yes. Fully employed.

Fully employed. How dare you? Um, and, and yeah, that was, it was momentous to be on the show. I did terribly. I didn't bid well. What items did you have to bid on? There was an Xbox One. There were brand new pairs of shoes.

You know how much that costs. I should. With or without Kinect. Am I right? Is it the Titanfall bundle? E3, there's a white PlayStation now. It's true. Some iPhones. There's a white PlayStation now. It's true. Some iPhones.

There were a pair of shoes. Maybe some living room things. These seem kind of easy. You get really nervous when you get up there. Yeah. And dreams right in your face asking you questions. That guy's scary. He is.

He's an intimidator. That's why they call him the intimidator. Do they call him that? So you didn't win anything. You didn't win a thing. They gave me a check saying, yeah, you did really... Dale Earnhardt Sr. Sorry.

Dale Earnhardt Sr., not Drew Carey, is the intimidator. Sorry. Go ahead. All right. All right. Drew even mentioned... Oh, sorry. That's the brand of cock ring I buy.

The intimidator? Nah. No, Drew Carey. Drew Carey is the brand. Drew Carey brand cock ring. A guy just looked at his buddy like, where's the fucking Yahoo answers? I'm going to read funny Yahoo's.

So you lost badly? I lost badly, yeah. Drew even mentioned it. He was like, yeah. On or off your microphone? Off. We were off, luckily. But he shook my hand and he goes, you're not very good.

No, I'm not. When we were in college, me and Jordan were in college, our boss, we both had the same job, and our boss was on Wheel of Fortune. And we watched his episode. Everyone got together in his dorm room apartment to watch his episode. And there was a point where Pat Sajak, and our boss said it was like the 12th episode they had taped that day. Pat Sajak threw to the announcer, I don't remember what the announcer's name is, but I'm going to say Jordan Morris. And Pat and pat sajak goes and now to tell you about the prizes a man i

love more than a man should love another man jordan morris and you're like i guess that kind of stuff is happening all the time on those shows and you just don't notice it because you're so used to the damn show but like i figure it probably every so often alex trebek just drops some shit like that but it just passes by you because you're in a trance. Yeah. Pat Sajak's like a weird homophobe now, too, right? So, I mean, that's another layer. Oh, Pat Sajak's a horrible person.

Nice hair, though, considering his age. Very nice hair. Good hair. He looks great. Wait, hey, good job on not winning Price is Right. Give him a hand, everybody. JP. Fantastic Asian.

Hand this man some lubricant. Oh, yeah. JP, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. Use that on whatever. Put it on your penis. Put it on your penis. Put it in your butthole.

Let's see. Jen, who saw an interesting woman in the alley. Jen? Jen, are you here? Jen. Jen. Jen, are you here? Jen! Jen! She's over here. Somebody's pushing somebody over here. Jen. Come on up, Jen.

Okay, here comes Jen, ladies and gentlemen. Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen. Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen. Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen. Do you like that we somehow set the microphone to six feet, four inches high? We're hoping Manute Bull will have a momentous occasion.

That's a tall basketball guy. Ladies and gentlemen, momentous occasion, George Mirison. Hi, Jen, how are you? I'm good, thank you. Cool. What was your momentous occasion? Get right up on that microphone, please. All right.

I didn't think that you would pick this one. We did. There weren't think that you would pick this one. We did. There weren't very many good ones. Folks, this one's not going to be entertaining, and it's your own damn fault. Anybody got a better one? Tackle Jen. Just start saying it. What's going on?

I was waiting in line to come into the show, and across the street, we got to see a lady squat and pee in the alley. Cool. Yeah. And is she here now? Did she come into the show with you? Is that alley a portal to the 10 years I lived in San Francisco? Why they been?

Ladies and gentlemen, let's bring that woman on right now. It's Eve! Jen, thank you so much. Yeah, way to go. How about some personal lubricant for Jen? Put it on your pets. It's great for your vacuum cleaner belts. Or vagina.

Yeah. Folks, there's more lubricant. There's more lubricant outside. If you didn't take home one of the Max FunCon t-shirts, please do, because God only knows what I'm going to do with them.

Max FunCon was last month. I got one more momentous occasion. Is there a Malcolm here who has a nautical momentous occasion? Malcolm. A nautical momentous occasion. I'm going to assume he's somewhere in the middle.

Fuck me. Nah. Fuck me. Seriously. Fuck you, comma me. My chalk joke is looking like prime. Yeah, there he is. Malcolm, ladies and gentlemen. And your momentous occasion is yet to be. Is that right?

That's right. I didn't actually quite know how this worked until just now. Malcolm, do you have some kind of accent? I'm from New Zealand. Yeah. Cool. Sweet. I was going to say, Malcolm, are you Antipodean? Yeah.

Malcolm. No, that's when you really have to play it up And be like yes Yes That's Australian actually God damn it I never thought I would make that mistake I thought I was like the snob who was on the Kiwi side

Like I'll never No No No No Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Con Conbrah Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbrah, Conbr Narrow. Narrow. Narrow. I'm not even... Narrow. Narrow. Canberra.

Canberra. That was also Australian. Canberra. Oh, I got one. Kookaburra. Kookaburra. Or Hogan. Lord of the Rings.

Lord of the Rings. It was filmed here. Lord of the Rings was filmed here Lord of the Rings was filmed here Lord of the Rings Now what's going on? What's your deal? On Monday

I'm sailing back to New Zealand Sailing? You should probably fly. That's momentous. That seems easier. That's what we call a momentous occasion. Yes, it is.

It was better when it was just a single clap. What are you taking? How long does that take? A dinghy? A zodiac? It's a 40-foot yacht, and it's going to take about six months. You know what? A 40-foot yacht.

I don't want to hear yacht shit. Don't mind if I do. It's funny. I guess you— Ladies and gentlemen, P. Diddy. Yeah, I mean, I don't mean to judge a book by its cover. You don't seem like the kind of guy who owns a yacht. Not my yacht.

You seem like the guy who owns multiple scooters. We should be clear. Do you have more than one kind of scooter? Our full understanding of yacht ownership is based on music videos directed by Hype Williams. That's right. Yes. No, this is a sailing vessel. There are no bikini babes on it.

Actually, my family is taking it back, and I'm hitching a ride. So what members of your family are we talking about? Okay. Spinster aunties. No, just my parents and my sister. Okay. I mean, get them in some bikinis, huh? Okay.

All right. Okay. Easy. Easy. Just saying. He's been drinking salt water. How, how many stops will you make over six months?

I mean, there's a bunch of islands in the middle, so maybe five or six island groups. You don't have to patronize us. Sorry, patronize us. Peter Jackson. Jackson. The Witter. The Witter Workshop.

Murray from Flight of the Conchords is a famous person to me. To me, that is a celebrity. Now? I will say that I've been to New Zealand twice

and I love it very much. I hear great things about it. Yeah, it's great. Did you just go for a vacay? I went to do Comic-Cons. Oh, great. Okay. What's a New Zealand

Comic-Con like? The same. Super the same. Actually, that's not true. Oddly enough, not into Peter Jackson. No, Kiwis are too polite. Kiwis are more polite than Americans. So there's like, they're afraid to express any enthusiasm.

So you spend the entire time drawing them out. So it's just like a guy dressed as Boba Fett going, yeah, whatever. Standing in front of you not saying anything. And then you have to be like, hi. And then's just like a guy dressed as Boba Fett going, yeah, whatever. Standing in front of you, not saying anything. And then you have to be like, hi. And then he's like, hi. And you're like,

did you want an autograph? What are, are you, oh, that'd be great, thanks. Should I make it to you? Oh, that, yeah, that'd be great. What are you, what is your name?

They're so sweet, but it was a lot of work. What are you going to eat on the way? Conch? Fish? Right. That sounds good. You could have just agreed with conch. And canned food.

Canned food. What kind of canned food are you talking about? By the way, can someone put out the fire? Yeah. Can someone stop the forklift from backing up? Jesus. What are we, at Costco? Yeah, we have canned corned beef,

canned butter, canned pretty much anything. So there isn't one member of your family who's sort of, we eat really well because someone's a great chef on the yacht? And you don't have a chef. You don't have a personal chef on the yacht. No. We make do with what we can.

But, you know, towards the end of the trip, you just kind of you get a little sick of it, really. There's not much you can do. Can I ask, is Robert Redford going to be on the boat? And if so, I say don't let him. No.

Seems like you're just courting trouble if you let Redford on. Yeah, well, we're going to do everything that he didn't do, and hopefully that'll work out. Excellent. Will, at any time during your voyage, you say to someone, I'm the captain now? Yeah, I'm the captain now. Yeah, I am. I have a really serious question that I don't

Is it about Yahoo serious? Because he's Australian. Don't make that mistake. Someone perked up because they thought we were getting to Yahoo answers. Oh no, no, no. Oh, definitely not. On the boat, ship, yacht.

On your 40, ship, yacht. On your 40-foot yacht. This is gross, but... Where do you masturbate? Just over the side, into the water. See if you can hit a dolphin. Or a sperm whale. Yay! Thank you very much!

Here's some lube! Thank you very much! Here's some lube! Thank you very much! Oh, look out! He took a bow for Janet's joke. And he got hit with lube. As it should be. Oh my god, did you steal my identity? That's him, that's the guy.

Do we have one left? Do we have one left? Oh yeah, sure, we can do one more. Let's see, a guy, someone has an E3 related one. Greg B? Greg, come on up! Greg B! You're not, no. This guy's like, yeah, E3! E3 related one Greg B Greg come on up This guy's like

E3 Greg Can I guess what Greg's Momentous occasion is That he's at this show but he's not white I didn't even notice I just don't see life that way. Greg, tell us your thing.

So I went to E3, had a great week, came back from my job on Friday, got fired, and came out here. Why? From where? Where'd you come out from? No, I live like three blocks down the street. So I walked to E3 like a... So you live here... I'm just trying to put the pieces together in my head.

So you're a black guy in a soccer jersey. That is correct, yes. You live here, but then you got fired? I got fired, unfortunately. The job was horrible. What kind of work did you do? It's really boring. No, you can just tell us, because we're going to get you a job right now. What kind of work did you do? It's really boring. No, you can just tell us because we're going to get

you a job right now. What kind of work did you do? We're going to get you a job shutting off that beef that keeps... We'll give you $80. Did you work... Do you have any experience in beef prevention and maintenance? I do not have any experience in beef prevention. Wait, but why did they fire you? I missed

an error. I missed an Excel chart in one of my things. Oh, didn't merge the cells, huh? I literally only had to... Forgot to merge the cells. You fucked up that macro, dude. No, that's serious. You deserve to get fired.

No, I... You fuck up a macro. You're, honestly, you're lucky they didn't put you on a boat to Australia or whatever. I only had the job for like three weeks. It was horrible. What do you wish, what do you want to do? What's your dream job? I went to, I was looking for a job in the gaming industry,

hopefully, while I was over there. Is there anybody here who works in the gaming industry? You guys going to talk to Greg afterwards? I brought a bunch of resumes. Yeah, you know this guy. You know this guy's cool, right? Yeah, I think he has a resume under every seat. Did you get in here before we started?

If you look under your chairs. You, sir, you gentlemen in the front row work in the gaming industry. Do any of your games beep? Do you make Simon? It sounds like somebody's playing in the lobby. You should make that new Uncharted game. That looks good.

Make one of those. I'll get right on it. Yeah, cool. Those are great. Do you have any experience in the field of Pop-O-Matic games? Trouble. Sorry. I just found out about Pop-O-Matic today.

So, yeah. Well, Greg, we're sorry that you lost your job, but we hope that you enjoy your unemployment benefits. Oh, you also have some sort of soccer-related moments this occasion, too. Netherlands won 5-1. Go Netherlands. Are you Dutch, Greg? No. I know I look super Dutch, though.

You just... I get it. He's wearing clogs. You just love to blaze the gange. Am I right? He's rude for anybody with legal weed. We just said the two things

that we know about the Netherlands. Clogs and marijuana. You're welcome, entire country. I'm sure you have a rich history or whatever. Here's some lube, dude. Love it. Thanks, Greg.

We've got merchandise out there in the lobby. Look, we're going to take a 10-minute break because we want you to get wasted before my brother, my brother, and me come on. So we'll see you in just a couple of minutes. We've been Jordan, Jesse, go. Go. I'm going to use me on a do this, but go ahead and get them off of your feet. Thank you. Try to get you to a hotel It's the end of the park Oh, it's the way you have to plan a field

MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.