Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 336: Mambo Number Six with Jake Weisman

Episode Date: August 4, 2014

Comedian Jake Weisman joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of owning cats, Lou Bega's career and supporting artists you morally disagree with.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome back to me. Yes. I mean, I would welcome you back, but you've already been welcomed back, so that would be redundant. No, it's fine. Go ahead. Hey, Jesse, welcome back.

I already said that. Oh, sorry. Fel-come back. There you go. That's new. No, it's just new sound. Yeah, well. No, it's just a new sound, Jordan.

It's got a slightly different meaning. It means welcome back in the afternoon. I conjugated welcome. It's nice to be – it's like Cantonese. The conjugation is very challenging to pick up the conjugations. It was a casual welcome because you're not a boss or an elder. Right. Exactly.

It's great to be back here on Jordan Jesse Go. I've had it like, it's been three weeks since I've sat in this chair. Sure. Do you have a new perspective? It did give me a lot of perspective. I have new goals. I think of things in a new way. I burnt my feet on some hot coals, so I have a hard time walking.

Yeah. Was that as part of like a trial of this, like a vision quest type of thing? No. Or just a simple barbecue accident. I was just going for a walk, and there they were. I figured I could just scoot on past, but boy bet wrong jordan i'll tell you what don't you know i i laid some money down on that one and yeah and uh the house some people some people do pay good money to walk on hot coals as part of like you know as part of like um awakening ceremonies

that kind of thing do you feel like you gained any new insight? And is this something you feel like you will pay for in the future? Well, I have my own awakening ceremony that's much more affordable. Yeah. Folgers crystals. I've heard it's the best part of waking up. It is. It is. Honestly, the –

So you walk over hot Folgers. Yeah. You just superheat some crystals, dump them on the floor. Yeah, the hot coals was a low light, but went to two weddings, went, of course, to boatparty.biz. Sure. Was a nice little three-week stretch there. Also tortuous. Don't have children and then deign to think you can travel with them like a normal human being would.

Yeah, it seems like a fool's errand. Okay, let's introduce our guest and then we'll get more. We can get deeper into discussions of the many journeys I've been on, what you've been up to while I've been gone. We may even... Not a hell of a lot. Just chilling. We may even ask the guest a question or two at some point hey i mean it's jordan jesse go that seems unlikely sure they'll be lucky to get a word in edgewise but yeah uh

our guest is a stand-up and sketch comedian uh you can see him on stand-up stages across this great nation um and in the sketch comedy group women his name jacob Weissman. Hello, Jake. How are you? Hi, everyone. It's great to have you here on the program. It's great to be on the program. You know, it's actually, before we move on, there's actually, Jake, I mean, I wouldn't say that we're close friends, but we're definitely very friendly. We have a lot of mutual friends.

Always nice to see you out and about. I'm like, oh, Jake's here. I'd love to talk to him. We've gotten along. We have a very bizarre connection because before I started comedy, we knew each other because I was friends with your roommate who later became my roommate. Right. I don't know if we're allowed to say the name. We'll probably keep it anonymous. But – and I always –

It's a tangled web of roommates. It is. It is a tangled web. And it's like you're one of those people – I have a very specific relationship with you where like we'll just be somewhere random. I'm like, hey, Jordan, what's going on? And we'll have a 10-minute conversation and then we'll drift out of each other's lives and then we'll see each other again. Sure. It's very nice because it's like – I feel like it's one of those friendships and maybe you have this too, Jesse, where like we have the perfect amount of space so we can only like each other.

Right. You know what I mean? I have never gotten annoyed with you once. You can't. There's no opportunity to can only like each other. Right. You know what I mean? I have never gotten annoyed with you once. You can't. There's no opportunity to get annoyed with each other. I don't know about any of your opinions or values. Maybe those annoy me. But it doesn't matter.

You can at least – because of the distance we have, you can pretend they're farcical, like whatever I'm saying. Can I ask you guys a quick question? Yeah. What do you say we need in order to be truly free? Each of you, you know, take it in turn. Oh, boy. I'm going to go with Christ's love. Okay.

I was going to say existentialist philosophy. That is the opposite of Christ. I mean – The opposite of Christ. Oh, the opposite of Christ. Yes, the complete opposite of Christ. I think that's how you get free. But listen, maybe I'm just joking.

We all think it's Christ's love. But listen, maybe I'm just joking. We all think it's Christ's love. Well, actually, I was going to say here's something that I think we do consistently talk about. We always – I feel like we always start by asking each other how our cats are. Yes, that is true. I thought maybe we could do a little pet check-in. In general, just everybody can say how their pets are doing. I'd love to hear about how your pets are doing.

I would love to do that. Jake, do you want to start? Jake, you're the guest. Yeah, I would love to. So I have two angels. They are – And how many cats? I'm a dog owner myself.

That's nightmarish. I have two cats, Shiksem, Pebbles, and those are great names. I just want to say – Is Pebbles Jewish? Pebbles is not Jewish. Okay. But the thing is – okay, so they came with – they're two black – I mean, not observant.

She's culturally Jewish? Culturally so Jewish. She has a runny nose. They're two black cats. They're sisters from the same litter. They came with the names Pebbles and Coco. I thought Coco was too racial. Sure.

And I always wanted to name a cat Shixa because I just think it's a great name. I love derogatory words that are acceptable in society. So I thought this is a perfect time to use shiksa. They are doing great. I feel like summer is a very interesting time for cats because it's sunbeam season. They like a sunbeam. So much

sunbeam action and it's fun to see them too hot. I mean, not for too long. You don't want to starve them of water. But it's amazing to see them just like enjoying the air conditioning sometimes or just like the sun. It's a great season for cats. Will a cat actively enjoy air conditioning? Will a cat target a vent, for example?

It can, yeah. I like – yes. I like the primal living that cats have. They just – like I remember when I – two or maybe three apartments ago, I was living in this place that was – it had no AC. And so during summer, they would just sleep in the bathroom where there was tile floor. They were just like there the entire day. They like the tile. Yeah. They just know how to seek temperature in a way that I wouldn't be able to. I think my greatest joy is if I'm at the park,

especially at the dog park, on a hot day, and there's a dog there, and it's dug a hole, a shallow hole in the ground, and it has its front paws in front of it and its back paws behind it, and it's pressing its belly into the hole to try and keep cool. I have a question for both of you, actually, just related to this.

Jordan, I was wanting to know, because you're a proud cat father and stuff. And you have a dog. I prefer Cat Daddy because it's lamer. I would like to sound as lame as possible. And how many dogs do you have? I have two dogs. Okay, two dogs. Do you feel, do you ever get any flack about being a cat owner and being like a straight male?

Yeah. I mean it – you know, I know that like, you know, dogs, cats, LA, New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think everybody has opinions about those and definitely like you have your animal preference and absolutely, you know, i understand preferring an animal but i do feel like a lot of times people will have an anti-cat screed loaded up like they performed it for the moth or something right right right right right right like it's so specific and it has beats and and that's when i'm like okay this this is now too much and I'm starting to feel a little bit insulted. Yeah.

No, I don't like it either. It almost is like when – like that thing men say about – like straight men will often say about like, well, you know, women are just like that. It's like the same thing with cats. They're just like ready to attack completely and it's clear they got dumped once or one cat scratched them and the rest of their life. Yeah. I feel like it can be traced back to a single bad experience. Yes. I agree.

For sure. So, yeah. It's definitely you – I feel like I do notice grimaces on people's faces occasionally. Not that often but sometimes and, yes, I think it's because of a – probably a sole bad cat experience. Said a guy whose brain has been infected by a cat poop virus. Yes, exactly. But I've always said about the cat feces virus.

Anyway, I'm off to buy loose tuna and spread it on the floor for some reason, which is a behavior I've picked up recently. Well, I was going to say, yeah, it's also if I am infected by this disease, it feels great. I feel a ton of love. I do a lot of weird shit. It's like being in the Matrix. Yeah. I don't know any different. It's amazing. Absolutely. If you get out of it, you have to feel a ton of love. I do a lot of weird shit. It's like being in the Matrix. Yeah. I don't know any different. It's amazing.

Absolutely. If you get out of it, you'll have to fight a bunch of robots. Absolutely. I don't need that. I like cats. Yeah. I think a person that doesn't like dogs or cats actively is probably a dick. Yeah.

Unless they got attacked as a small child. Sure. Maulings aside. Yeah. A pretty got attacked as a small child. Sure. Maulings aside. Yeah. A pretty severe mauling aside. Leaving that aside, I think the people who have a really, like, honestly, probably if I didn't have dogs, I probably wouldn't have a cat. Like, I'm not that into cats, but they're perfectly lovely creatures. I'm glad that people who have cats have them.

Like, I don't know. The people who are at loggerheads about it, those people baffle me. Can I present a theory? I'd love to hear a theory on this, Jordan. Thank you. Jordan, do you have a theory on this matter? I have a theory on this. Okay.

And it usually comes from, usually the I have an anti-cat screed loaded up thing comes from a dog owner. And I think it's because sometimes people get in over their heads with dogs. Either they have an apartment and they get a too big a dog or they think they can just leave the dog and have their flighty social life that they've had before. Dog, a lot of work and a lot of love. Got to train a dog. You got to train a dog, sure. So I think that sometimes there is a reverse thing that happens where someone feels oppressed by the amount of time and effort their dog takes and then

they get to see a fancy free cat owner who is going to a movie in the evening and doesn't have to go right home. Oh, that's interesting. And then they kind of load up a thing. I want to interject here. Our engineer, Jennifer, is sitting immediately over your shoulder with a cat-shaped stress ball toy, just squeezing it and squeezing it and squeezing it. Oh, she's so cute.

squeezing it and squeezing it and squeezing it. Oh, she's so cute. Sorry, representation of Mark Maron's cat from the television program Maron on IFC. That is a very, very cute piece of swag. So, yeah, I think that's sometimes where it comes from. I think the dogs can get overwhelming, and then I think they project that frustration out onto other pet owners. What do people say about cats? Just that they're kind of boring? Yeah.

I mean that they don't like you. They just hide. They'll scratch you. They would kill and eat you if they got a chance. Stuff like that. But dogs would kill and eat you if they had the chance. I think so too. Well, dogs – that's an interesting –

They would kill and eat your poop. They would eat you. Yeah. They wouldn that's interesting. They would kill and eat your poop. They would eat you. Yeah. They wouldn't. I guess cats would kill you, but dogs both would eat you. But I just don't understand why this is a problem. Like if I died and my cats ate me, then I would live inside them forever. Like that's like so metaphorical and beautiful.

So then you could live as a cat. Yeah. Which is ultimately every cat owner's dream. Well, I could be, what would happen is they would eat me. They'd get adopted by someone else. They'd shit me out. And then I would be making that other person insane. Right. And so that's like a beautiful –

Then you become the cat parasite. Absolutely. That's all I've ever wanted. You already have a sort of feline grace, Jake. Thank you very much. You're welcome. That's one of the sweetest things you've ever said to me. I have very soft hands, by the way.

Yeah. And about how it's – well, you let people rub your belly, but you don't like it when they get too close to the genitals. Right, right. And my ovaries have been taken out. So that's like a really cool cat thing. Jordan, this is actually perfect timing. Yeah. I've seen all over Twitter people very excited that August in the MaxFun calendar is Jordan Morris the cat month.

Yeah, it's been a lot of fun. I've gotten a lot of fun pics of people's calendars on Twitter. It's a blast. Wait, what's going on? So we have a calendar, and it features paintings of each of the Maximum Fun hosts as cats. I suggested sexy hunks. Yeah.

But apparently there was a problem with the physiques. Well, hyperrealism is out of style. Go paint your Trump loyals on the wall of a low-class Italian restaurant. Ooh, burn. Yeah. Sick burn. I have a bizarre cat story about how I got my cats if you want me to share, which I have told maybe before a year ago somewhere. But I think you might enjoy it.

Can I have you hold it? Because I'm interested to hear how Bug is doing, Jordan's cat. Oh, very, very quick. She's picked up a new behavior. She's doing a lot of grooming on me. So whenever I will have a little bit of beard, she will groom the beard, arm hair.

Sometimes she will come into the bedroom at night and be grooming my hair. This shit is adorable. Does she do it with her tongue? Yeah. Oh, wow. it's great yeah with people that you date does it like it must affect who you date based on their reaction to bug right um you know i've never i she's a very very nice cat i don't know one i've never had a thing where i felt like jordan's never dated yeah i think I think it's sinful because of Jesus Christ.

That would be a betrayal of the parasite inside his brain. Yeah. No. I have thankful – I've never been in a situation where I felt like, God, this is going so well. But they just – they're mean to the cat. So yeah. She's very friendly though. So it's like hard not to fall in love a little bit.

Can I ask a stupid question that I just don't know the answer to? Yeah, yeah. Does Bug go in your bed? She – depending on the weather, if she's very cold, she will want to go in there. I do not like her in the bed that much. It's cute for a couple minutes. Right. I'm like, eh, you're hot and you're just going to want to make biscuits at 5 in the morning.

Right. That's pawing. Yeah. Kneading. Yeah. Good knee. And now it's hair grooming around five in the morning. So yeah, I try and keep her out of the bed.

But she'll get up there sometimes. Do you find it – I don't know. I still am like too – I now think since I've had cats, I don't want kids simply because I can't say no to them. Like it's very, when I put my cat out because she's like waking me up in the morning, I feel genuinely guilty. Like I feel the pain of rejection from myself as childhood when I was told I couldn't do something.

Now, when you say put your cat out, are you talking about the fire escape? No, just out the door. The laundry chute. Just out the door. If I just hear, what? In the middle of the dumbwaiter? Yeah. You put her in the dumbwaiter and then halfway down in between floors.

And then the maitre d' at the fancy restaurant. Wow! Thank you. Sacre bleu! Oh, so just to wrap up the thought about the grooming. Very, very cute. I like the grooming a lot. It's adorable.

But now I am a guy who is not only covered in cat hair but cat saliva as well. So I feel like it's making me more disgusting. Anyway. Yeah. Jake, you had a story. But that's part of it is that you start to not care and you start to – it's a whole thing. Sure. Then all of a sudden you're ordering things out of cat themed –

Yeah. And then people are right about you. Then people – like it's like, oh, yeah, right. It really is a problem. Basically, I got my cats when they were a year and a half old and they're such sweet animals and they had to come together because they're twins and they've spent every day together. And when I got them, I didn't understand why they hadn't been adopted yet. Wait. Hold on.

They're twins? Yeah. Aren't all cats twins? But they're two female black cats from the same litter, so they really look like twins. They're very twin-like. So they had to come together because they look similar? No, because sometimes at shelters, sometimes two cats will gravitate towards each other so much that the place won't let them be adopted solo. Oh. Yeah, that happens.

And probably it happens with dogs too. Because like twins, like litters of cats are like six. Absolutely. So they were in a litter. This is so much information that isn't important. But they were in a litter of six and the other four died. So they were like, okay, these two need each other kind of thing. It's very insane.

And so when I got them, they were very, very, they're very sweet. They're very much together, very much sisters. And when I got them, I didn't understand how they couldn't have been adopted because they were so nice and normal. And I found out they had been adopted when they were six months old by this family. And the family brought them back six months later. And I was like, why did they bring them back? And they said, well, it wasn't anything they were doing necessarily wrong. Like they were very sweet animals. But this family had a baby. And the way that these parents raised this baby was when the baby would cry, they wouldn't do anything about it. They believed in letting the baby cry all night.

And the cats hated that the baby cried and were worried about the baby. So they would meow and go to the parents and be like, meow, until they helped the baby. And the parents said they didn't appreciate the cats judging their parenting techniques they were undermining their parents so they brought the cats back and when the when the family drove away they had a van and then the van was a bumper sticker and it was a scientology bumper sticker so my cats are ex-scientologists they escaped the org org. Dude, I was on the airplane. Isn't that amazing? I was on the airplane today and there was this dad.

And for one thing, he wasn't- Sorry, you were on the airplane- Today? Today. When did you get back? I flew back from- I went to the San Francisco for another wedding. Oh, wow. This weekend. So I was on the airplane today and this dad wouldn't let his kids play with the iPad until they answered a fucking math word problem.

Wow. How old were the kids? I'm going to say seven and nine. Seventeen and eighteen. Yeah. They were – They just wanted to watch pornography. The word problem was if there's 120 people on the flight and tickets cost $20 each, how much money did Southwest – by the way, I was flying Southwest. I'm not trying to brag.

Ooh. Which boarding group were you in? A, B, or C? They recently merged with AirTran. And they – yeah. How much money did Southwest Airlines collect? This was a seven-year-old and a nine-year-old. I had to answer this question with no pen and paper.

This long division in their heads. Oh, this dad was such a dick. What a dick dad. Did they eventually get to play iPad? They eventually got to play iPad after a long time. The dad was just trying to teach them to be a – At one point he said, I'm just trying to train you for life. Whoa.

And I was like, I am just trying to not yell at you, asshole dad. You said you have a kid, right? I have two. You have two kids. Double children. So when you...

Because you were just mentioning the plane. I was thinking about this earlier when you were talking about it. When you had a kid, were you ready for the stress that would be traveling with that kid on a plane? Here's the thing.

I just knew that it was going to be crazy. The part that I wasn't prepared for, I think, is not getting through the plane flight. Because even compared to a car ride, I'm traveling usually with my wife, so there's two of us. So we can sort of like one person can be parenting and the other person can be taking a little break part of the time. You mean jerking it in the bathroom?

Oh, no doubt. You got to jerk it in the airport bathroom. You might as well do it in the aisle. Is that what you're proposing? Oh, I thought you meant just any bathroom anywhere. Oh, no. On the airplane. You and your wife.

Okay. On the airplane. I'm talking specifically about – so on the airplane is very difficult. But, you know, generally – once in a while somebody is judgmental and weird. And that person can go shove it up their ass. But generally speaking – And how does that manifest itself? Like looking over and sighing when children are making noise.

It's like, fuck you. They're fucking children. You know what? Children go places too, asshole. So that's hard, but we knew it. But what's crazy about it is, at least with kids the age that our kids are right now, being on vacation is really hard. It's harder than being at home. Oh, okay. Right.

That makes sense. When you go somewhere relaxing, like on a cruise, for example, we were on a cruise. You are actually doing more work. Because you don't have the things you normally can entertain them with. Yeah, and you don't just have, like, there's just, like, places where you can put down, you know you can put down your child because you know there's something in all of the sockets. Oh, wow. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not the kind of parent who's super worried about baby-proofing and stuff like that. But, like, you know, we – on the cruise, our stateroom had a balcony.

It's like balcony slash toddler death area. Sure, sure, sure. You know what I mean? Like plunge into the sea zone was what that is. So they had the Fiesta deck and then the Toddler Death deck. And so like ultimately I think it's usually more rewarding than it is difficult. You know, I wouldn't discourage people with children from traveling. Oh, of course not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's way harder than being at home. Right. Whereas often when you're traveling as an adult, it's easier than being at home because if you're not – I mean you have to go through a deal with airports or whatever. But then you go to a hotel where someone cleans up after you. You know what I mean? Like you don't have to do your own dishes or cook because you went to a restaurant for lunch, especially in the era of you can just type lunch into Yelp and you can eat somewhere decent no matter where you are. You know what I mean? So that's ultimately the challenge. Got it. Sorry. You can just type lunch into Yelp and you can eat somewhere decent no matter where you are.

You know what I mean? So that's ultimately the challenge. Got it. Sorry. Because I've always also wondered, are you – are we all – I was born in 83. Are you guys around 83? 82. 82?

I'm 84 years old. 84 years old. That's awesome. I always think – because to me, I'm 31. You were born in 1882. My dad had kids when he was in his 20s and then later – much later he had me. But regardless, the confidence to be a father is something I'm very interested in because around 30 people obviously start to have kids and that's obviously just something that will keep happening. In our community. Yeah.

Normal communities. It's 25. Yeah. 25, 24. But when did you start having kids? Like when you're late 20s or something? Late 20s's 25. Yeah. 25, 24. But when did you start having kids? Like when you're late 20s or something? Late 20s, yeah. Yeah.

The confidence to have a kid because I think – 29. I mean I assume there's a part of it biologically that sets in. You just become more of an adult. Obviously, it's talked about constantly. But I don't know if you want kids, Jordan. But I just am so – like if I have a kid and can't take care of it, that's a horrifying thing. Like I just don't –

I don't trust myself to be – I don't think of myself as a role model to be a father. And I'm sure that I'm better than a lot of people at it because I'm not a complete idiot. But it's still very scary. And I – Do you have children already? Children? Yeah. No.

OK. Here's what happens. Are you in a meaningful romantic relationship? I am. OK. So is it with the lady? Yes. Okay. So what happens is this lady that you're in a meaningful romantic relationship with, and this happens to varying extents, and it's not purely universal, but it's broadly applicable.

Look, Jen Kirkman doesn't want to have children. She wrote a book about it. Right. God bless her for it. It makes the world a better place when you don't have children. Anybody out there who's decided not to have children, God bless you. experiences a powerful wave of hormones and terror that combines a deep desire to have children with a deep terror that they won't have children because they'll be too old. And they're just like, it's on now. And you're just like, if you're not, I mean, there are some dudes that are like, I can't have kids or I won't have kids. That's not most dudes. I think most that are like, I can't have kids or I won't have kids. That's not most dudes. I think most dudes are like, I like children. They're like, I'm in no hurry to have children.

I have no, I feel there's no part inside of me that says like, oh, I got to make some kids. You know what I mean? It's just like, you're like, I like kids. And then the lady goes like, we're having kids. And then the guy's like, okay. You know, like, like, yeah, sure. I mean, checking our finances, it probably won't be a total disaster. I wish – what I really like about this that's going on right now is the physicality.

And I wish the audience could see it. I wish they could see it. It's slight, but you looked – you had a moment where you looked at your watch. I thought the acting was very good on that. I just assumed that you were going to say that what you liked about it was that it was like my version of a Tim Allen routine. But really, I have two much younger brothers. One of my brothers is eight years younger than me. One's 14 years younger than me.

So I was around when they were babies and aware when they were babies and spent a lot of time with them as babies and my stepmother ran a preschool out of our house for a little while and so like i had a lot of experience with little kids and um i liked little kids so i wasn't i didn't think like i'm gonna be terrible but on the other hand there was nothing inside me that was saying I got to get kids. Got to get those sweet kids. Got to have an excuse to go to those sweet Pixar movies. Like a children's breakfast cereal commercial. Yeah, you tipped your shades.

Yeah. You rollerbladed off a ramp, skidded to a stop right before the camera, tipped your shades. Got to get those kids. Although when we made the kids. And then you were arrested because people assumed you were a child molester. When we made the kids, I was wearing both knee and elbow pads. Well, you got to be safe. Yeah, and wrist guards.

And a styrofoam plate around your stomach. Yes. So I think that's what happens. I think what happens is a lady has more powerful hormones inside of her and they they just sort of overwhelm all sent because there's no reason to have kids in 2014 the first world there's no benefit to having kids you don't need them to work on your farm right you know what I'm saying? So it's just these powerful feelings going on inside you, tricking you into making this mistake. There's many wonderful things about having children.

Well, of course. Yeah, yeah. But this economic mistake. Right. Right. Now, do you feel – is it all right if I keep asking you questions about this? I don't want to – But I find this –

Hey, it's your show, Jake. I'm very fascinated by – as expected. Do you feel when you had the kids – I've talked to – I'm obsessed with this. I love talking to new fathers. Like do you know Julian McCullough? Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. He just had a kid.

I just like talking to people about it. I think it's very interesting. Like kids – they have kids like about a one-year-old and these are like – That guy is funny. He's so funny. That guy is real funny. Oh, my god. He's so funny and so nice.

Do you feel when you had the kid it changed you in the way people talked about it would change you? Because that's how people talk about it. They feel transformed when they talk. I'm obsessed with that. I almost want that feeling, but I don't want the kids of just like this purpose. Just sell the kids. Sell the kids. Yeah.

Or. Don't sell the kids. And the kid me. Become a costumed crime fighter. Then you'll have transformation every night. Why do you think I'm not one already? You know what? You might.

If you are. Yeah. you're doing a terrible job of keeping up your secret identity because you automatically challenge people when they say you should be a superhero. It's all the very insecure costume prize fighter that's very upset that he's not getting the recognition that he deserves. It's like if Bruce Wayne is like, maybe I am Batman. Why do people think I'm not? People always say you just miss Batman. Why do people think I'm not? People always say, you just miss Batman. Why do people think I'm Batman more? You know what? I think one thing you could do that would give you the same sense of purpose would be to sort of stumble into a Brewster's Millions type situation.

Like, I feel like that would be, it's like a clarity of vision. I've got to spend this money. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. I've got to buy a theme park or whatever. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I wonder if I'll ever, ever be. I've got to spend this money. You know what I mean? I've got to buy a theme park or whatever. You know what I'm saying? I did not. In sincere

answer to your question, I did not feel transformed by the experience. Now, we should mention, you know, I grew up in a broken home with parents. Congratulations. Thank you. With parents who hated each other and had deep emotional problems.

And so I maintain unhealthy emotional distance from almost anything. Oh, great. And distrust any feeling. Okay. And so for that reason. For a while, Jesse was going down, burning down movie theaters that were showing the movie Up. You were the Up arsonist. I'm sorry to out you on this podcast, but you were the Up arsonist.

I thought it was Banksy for sure. I love Upson. That's a fun little combination. So it takes some time for things – for feelings to sink in for me. Got it. I'm for things, for feelings to sink in. Got it. Sink in for me.

Got it. But I didn't feel that sense of, I'm trying to think of who I was. I was talking to someone who told me, like, the baby came out. I held it in my arms. It changed my life forever. I felt that immediately. And it took me six months. Sure.

But I've talked to a lot of people for whom it took six months. Yeah, because it's just a baby. It has no emotions. I mean, it has no, like, emotions you can relate to. And you are so useless to it. Like, your connection to it is so subordinate to the mother's connection to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, my wife was

giving the baby its life and I was just changing its diaper sometimes. Right. You know what I mean? If you could, yeah. If milk came out of your nipples, it would be a little better. It would be great. And I would be getting that oxytocin, the bonding hormone, that the mom and the baby get every time they nurse together.

Absolutely. But it's a wonderful, it's a lovely and wonderful experience. Sure. You said it at the end, somewhat lamely. You know, I always remember growing up, my parents got divorced when I was like 12 or 13 and, but we're just constantly fighting. They always, you know, slept in different bedrooms and just, you know, we're always just had a real rotten relationship.

And I always remember the fighting being about money or – I actually found out when I was in college that my dad was like a tax cheat and that they were transferring some of his debt over onto my mom. It was a huge, awful thing. So I always kind of like had this idea that like if you don't have enough money, your relationship will be terrible. So I guess I've never had like a marriage or fatherhood feeling because I always felt like, well, I don't make enough money. I can barely keep this fucking studio apartment paid for. Now that I am making more money than I ever have before, I will start to feel more paternal. Signs point to yes because I was watching two things. A, I was watching the NBC Nightly News, which is not something I've done before. It's very deadly. Yeah, yeah.

I started doing that and I saw there was a thing where Chelsea Clinton, who I guess is a correspondent for the NBC Nightly News, she was doing a thing. And why wouldn't she be? Sure. Who more capable? She was doing a thing with I guess Jeff Bridges does a – has a like a hunger relief charity and he will go into schools and teach kids about milk and apple slices and then read to them. It's very cute. And as they were doing this, I was like, Chelsea Clinton is looking pretty good. I guess it was kind of hot.

Chelsea Clinton. And then they cut away from the field portion of the segment to the studio. She was fucking full on giant pregnant. I don't know when they filmed the Jeff Bridges thing, but she was not as pregnant. She was very pregnant. I was like, you know what? Still looks good. I was super duper hot the other day for a pregnant Chelsea Clinton. Yeah, especially as she was taking care of children. Yeah, absolutely.

I don't know, guys. I think I'm ready. Good for you, Jordan. To have an affair with Chelsea Clinton that her husband doesn't know about. Here's the thing about whether you are good or bad. Parenting is not very complicated. I know that my wife hosts an entire hit podcast called One Bad Mother's on the subject. And they find a new thing to talk about every week.

But it's mostly just like, you know just like rational morality, applying rational morality consistently to your children as soon as they're capable of rationality and feeding them beforehand. I know I sound like a broken record. Word problems. A constant stream of word-based math problems. Planes, buses, wherever you can get these things out, word problems. You've got to train them for the world. Train them for the world. Long division.

Do you get bored watching children's TV and movies? We – I don't watch them generally. We don't have a lot of TV time around my house. The TV time that we have is – Simon has a portable DVD player, my older son, who's about to turn three. He watches Yo Gabba Gabba or the, the Big Bird movie, uh, while he's pooping in the evening. Um, it's part of his potty training is in order to, in order for him to consider it a relaxed occasion, the time when he goes poop, he's allowed to have a treat while he's doing an entertainment show. Are you talking about Follow That Bird? Follow That Bird, yeah.

That is a stressful movie. I don't see how you poop when that's on. He's perfectly comfortable with it. He gets kidnapped and put in that fucking circus? I know. And it's made to sing the Blue Bird of Unhappiness song? It's going to be interesting. They turn in blue.

I am getting constipated just thinking about that. And he cries a blue tear. I'm going to be blocked for weeks just thinking about that he cries a blue tear yeah um i'm gonna be blocked for weeks we watch about that we watch together uh the shows that we and he'll watch yo gabba gabba on his little dvd player sometimes and i can't bear it i can't honestly can't bear it but not even when rocket from the crypt reunites yeah a special song about be going to a restaurant the problem with yo gabba gabba is like all of the things that are really meaningful to the parents who love Yo Gabba Gabba

are completely meaningless to me. I mean, with the exception of Biz Markie and Paul Scheer. So, like, then it rests on all the rest of it, which is just sort of catnip for three-year-olds, which is horrible to a grown-up.

You know, not by... they do a good job. I'm not putting down the quality of their work. I'm just saying it's not for grown-ups. It's for three-year-olds. And then Simon and I together will watch Mr. Rogers. Okay. Once in a while. Mr. Rogers, I fucking love, as it turns out, I fucking love watching Mr. Rogers.

Where does that live? Do you, is there a DVD set? There's Mr. Rogers is on Amazon Prime. Oh, okay. And we also watch Old Sesame Street. I'm trying to avoid as long as possible getting involved in New Sesame Street, not because I think the old one's better than the new one, whatever. Mostly just because the new one is really Elmo-centric and Elmo makes me feel crazy.

Also, I find it very upsetting that the Elmo guy, like he really was like a child molester. I thought he got off the hook. No, it's real. Like I talked to a guy, this is a complete left turn. It's real. Like I talked to a guy. This is a complete left turn. I talked to a guy who recently who worked there for a very long time and he's like, oh, no, that guy did a ton of drugs. He had sex with a lot of young boys all the time.

He's like – because that was right when the documentary came out where he was like this smiley, shiny person, like an R.E.M. song. And he's apparently such a monster. A mid-period R.E.M. song. Yeah, right. Exactly. Which, you know what? Can we just talk about R.E.M. song, and he's apparently such a monster. A mid-period R.E.M. song. Yeah, right, exactly. Which, you know what? Can we just talk about R.E.M.? Thank you. Thank you.

R.E.M., like Radio Free Europe is, like, great. Like, those albums are awesome. They are definitely not that good the last 10 to 15 years of their life. They're really – Very goofy. Those last few R.E.M. moments are so goofy. And it's always one of those things where I genuinely feel guilty saying I don't like it because I really root for them.

I'm into Michael Stipe. I'm into what they did. I'm into any band coming out of Georgia. Congratulations on making it. But they're not good and you're not really allowed to say that, right? Because it's not like I want to take down R.E.M. No. But I don't like them.

Yeah. What are you supposed to do with that? You know, I think just moderate. You're in a safe space here. I agree with you. What a relief. Speaking of bands coming out of Georgia, how do you guys feel about this Goody Mob Reunion album? Am I right?

Are you excited for it? Because I know. It's horrible. It's excreble. I've heard a few songs from it it seems very ridiculous yeah it's completely excreble and they also have a

it's all just kind of trying to mimic CeeLo's success right? it's trying to kind of have those kind of goofy sing along radio songs CeeLo's success is pretty much the worst so

yeah CeeLo is really it would really be difficult to be to more focus your talents on being the worst than CeeLo has. Just so the worst. What a nightmare it is to try and watch CeeLo do anything. R-E-M. Regarding Elmo. Oh, that was fun.

Thanks. Funny to me. uh regarding elmo oh that was fun thanks yeah funny to me uh you know it's been a weird couple months for having to deal with the fact that basically no matter what you buy a horrible person will get some money right and fuck it's weird it's like it's like i just can we can we not talk about any more sex scandals so I can participate in culture? Or yeah, like watching in a movie, like Woody Allen movies. I don't really know what to do now. Like it's very weird.

It's like so bizarre. It's totally weird. Because I kind of do think he did whatever happened. But I grew up watching his movies. And as a New York Jew who wanted to make movies for a very long time, it's like what do I do? I don't even know what to do. Do I just appreciate? Is it like that thing where, I forget what her name is.

Oh, Riefenstahl? Like, yeah, it's like, she's clearly a talented director. Do I not enjoy her camera work? You know, just because she allowed for the destruction of my people? Or like, it's very, very confusing. I don't know how to. I remember one time when I was a kid, the only time that I felt this morally that I actually stopped was when I was,

I went out to Jones beach and I saw stone temple pilots. That wasn't the band I went to go see. It was the, another band was playing with them. There were two bands, but it was right after Scott Weiland got out of jail and it was like three days after. And he like got on stage and he's like,

I was in jail for a year, but I'm out now. Fuck the police and all this shit. And people were like cheering. And then he go to jail for? And then I went home and googled it. This was AltaVista-ing it. I went and he had gotten jailed for domestic abuse.

And it's like, dude, fuck you. That's so crazy. Yeah, fuck the police for stepping in to help a battered woman. Fuck those guys. It's just a bizarre situation. Fuck you, 5-0. That's awful. I'm getting really uncomfortable with football.

And I know it's cliched to be getting uncomfortable with football, but I had decided that I was willing to watch football despite the concussions. And despite the NFL's sort of real tepid response to the concussions. Yeah, that's very strange.

But then the thing that really made me question my decision to be like, you know what, but I do really like watching football, was there were two suspensions recently that really threw me for a loop. The first of them was, I'm sure you guys heard about this, a guy got suspended three games, I believe it was, for beating his wife. Two. Only two. Two, excuse me.

And that was very controversial in a lot of circles. And there's a part of me that thinks, honestly, there's a part of me that thinks, like, if I'm his team, I would want to cut him and not have him on the team. But I'm, you know, what the league does around the law, you know, there's a part of me that's like, oh, I don't know, like, There's a part of me that's like, oh, I don't know, like suspending people for their non-football related stuff. I'm a little weird and ambivalent about that in general. I'm not sure what to say about that, though the things may be abhorrent, right? But it is weird to me because it does feel like if the league suspends them for two games, then the team is absolved for having a wife beater in their employ. Like that works, that straightens it out. So that was one.

And the other was a guy got suspended a year for violating the league's substance abuse policy because he tested positive for marijuana. Yeah. policy because he tested positive for marijuana yeah yeah for marijuana which football players should be able to use because it's the most painful sport in the fucking world as if marijuana does anything bad i also feel that which football players should be able to use because who gives a shit about anyone whose brain is fully developed you developed i say this is a non-marine i've never used marijuana in my life anyone whose brain is you are high right now you are fucking high as look at your fucking pupils anyone whose brain is fully developed should be all right

of course they should as much marijuana as they want it doesn't barely does anything bad i was thinking though that about the uh the ray guy. That's the one you're talking about. He beat his wife. I was thinking that they shouldn't suspend him at all. They should just make him play more football so he gets brain damage. So then he will. That's the only way. Just get tackled a couple extra times.

He just has to stand there and get tackled a few extra times. He can't wear a helmet, and that's the top of my head that I don't remember. So I apologize if I'm mischaracterizing this entire situation, but I'm pretty sure I'm not. There are – that they've done some longitudinal studies of soccer and found that soccer actually causes worse problems than football. Oh, yeah, because there's a lot of head-based hitting. Because of the head-based hitting. And there's just been no action taken on that. Probably not good for your skull to flop either.

I remember as a kid, I played soccer and I was always such a coward when it came to head balls. I mean, that's why I ended up being a goalie eventually because I was like, I don't want to head the thing. It's awful. And I'm so glad now. I feel like I'm smarter for it. But, yeah, that's a – it's very scary because some of the balls you play with are so hard.

And you, like – if you don't head the ball, you're a coward. But it's flying up in the air. Like, it goes very – like, you punt the ball. It comes in. You're supposed to hit it with your – why? The rest of your life, you avoid anything touching your head. I think we can all agree on this. Soccer is for pussies.

Yeah, exactly. Is that the moral of the story? I also think it's – Because pussies are so strong. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I know this is the – officially the longest segment we've ever done. Yeah. We're working on our third hour of this opening segment. I have a how much money do I give this horrible person dilemma. Okay. Do you want to take a break and then I can share it?

Not spit it out right now. All right. No, actually, you actually prompted me to dig into this. I was telling you about a few weeks ago I went to see X, the band X. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They don't play that often, kind of a late 70s kind of punk rock band. Like the seminal band.

Yeah. The seminal like artsy band of Los Angeles in the 1970s, late 1970s to mid 1980s. Sure. And, you know, they don't play that often, but they did a thing where they posted up at the Roxy for three nights and played their first three albums back to back. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, I love it. I love it when bands do that.

It's so much fun. You know, and I forgot to get tickets and I kind of just got a wild hair to go see it the night of. Went on StubHub, paid way too much for the tickets. Went to see it. Terrific. I've seen them a couple times. They've never sounded better.

Just look like four fucking middle school art teachers up there. John Doe has a bolo tie and he's bald but with a ponytail. It's great. But they were definitely four different kinds of art teachers. Like think of all the, you know. And so they have – Like a regular art school convention. Yeah, it's definitely like one is a burnout who did a little too much acid.

One is a lonely cat lady. And then one is like a kind of a party animal who mainly teaches chemistry, but he's doing this for a little extra cash. Sure. Great show. And, you know, I like to go see these kind of late 70s, early 80s punk bands a lot. And, you know, you see aging punk rock guys there that's usually the clientele of you know guys who have brought out their leather jackets and their you know exploited t-shirt for the first time in years uh they're those guys were definitely at this

but there were some fucking straight up dads there there was like polo shirt tucked into khakis socks and sandals dads there it was really amazing and I think it really spoke to the fact that they had a little bit of commercial success. So it's like not just punk rock guys but also just a dad who wanted to see a band that he recognized. Interesting crowd. I was talking about this. Jesse, you're like, oh, isn't Exine Cervanka, the lady from X, isn't she a notorious racist? I had no idea. She is?

That's about what I said. I did a little digging around and I guess she's not exactly a racist, but she's definitely the weirdest kind of libertarian. I think what I believe what I said is doesn't she say something horrible a lot? Yeah. Or something because I knew there was something wrong. Sure. I knew I had heard there was an issue or problem that needed addressing. It's like she is a very Jesse Ventura kind of kook.

Did some vlogs about the Monsanto Corporation. Has concerns about chemtrails. And apparently that will lead into a lot of criticizing Obama, which is not overtly racist, but it sounds icky because she's not terribly well-spoken, being a rock and roll 70s acid burnout. Who has a child with Viggo Mortensen. Yeah. So that was really weird to me. I felt really weird. And, you know, weird libertarian is not the worst thing in the world to be of all the kooks.

Like that's pretty low on the, you know, awful kook scale. And let's be clear. When you say weird libertarian, you're not saying all libertarians are weird. No, no, no, definitely not. We're talking about a specific type of libertarian who is also an insane person. Yes, exactly. What temperature does steel melt at, libertarian? Right.

Yes. Sure. Libertarianism is A-OK for the most part. A libertarian who's also a chemist. Sure. Yes, exactly. Who's very concerned about chemistry. I read this tweet.

I wish I knew who tweeted it so I could properly give credit. But it was libertarianism is astrology for men. And I really like that a lot. I think that it's the same thing. It's like inherently astrology is fine and libertarianism is fine, but it's this aggression that comes with certain libertarianism that is so bizarre, like the aggression of I am right on this completely unproved platform of of social

experimentation and like you know like changing the way society works i am completely right everyone else is an idiot and i always associate it with just like i feel like a lot of libertarian men are very jacked and like it makes me very nervous it just makes me very strong they are and also it's the same thing with with what i was talking about the confidence ron paul for example yes but just like it's just this weird sort of like this kind of almost alpha behavior that i can't relate to everything i think i always assume i'm wrong but that like my instinct is like i think this and i'm 100 sure but also talk me out of it talk me out of it but like like libertarians, it's not like that. It's like this – like they don't blink when they talk to you.

You know what I mean? Like it's like they already have so much coffee and it's fine. I'm not saying they're wrong, but I just can't relate to that kind of like vigor. Yeah. So then I'm like, I kind of feel bad about this. I feel bad about going to their show, blah, blah, blah. But I'm like before I go to a concert, do I have to look into the weird political, you know, blah, blah, blah. But I'm like, before I go to a concert, do I have to look into the political beliefs of every member of the band? That will not

end well. I will never see a live band again. I'll tell you what, I sure wouldn't go see Brand Nubian if that were the case. Sure, right? And you will also if you're for certain sports teams. I did this once where like, I, you know, I like football and hockey and I, and sometimes basketball, but you like Google around election time. I always Google like political donations of famous people. Don't do that. Like literally like most of them, most professional athletes are wildly conservative and do not like gay people.

And like, they don't, you know what I mean? Like you just don't want to know that about them. It's like a very, cause those people all did it on their own. They all feel like they did it on their own and they like got scholarships and they made all their money and like don't take it away from me. And it's very scary to root for people like that that you wouldn't talk to otherwise. So what do we do? Do we just fucking ignore it or do we not give anyone any money? Well, I think if someone – it's dangerous to draw a moral equivalency between Nazism, child molestation and being a Republican. We are at wildly different ends of the spectrum here.

There are – there's quite a number of levels of – I think if someone just sort of disagrees with you, it's fine. And there's sort of kinds of kookiness that seem harmless. But there is like – I actually – Lord Jamar from Brand Nubian went on a hip-hop podcast and just said all these horrible things about gay people. And just said all these horrible things about gay people because he's, you know, he's a weird religious zealot of a really specific fringy form of American Islam. And also just sort of a just just generally kind of biggity. And it was so – like that stuff was so lousy that it almost – it not only didn't – not only did it make me not want to support him in the future, it made me want to unsupport him. Like it made me feel like I should take it – like I couldn't even listen to the stuff that I already had bought. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, definitely sometimes it

taints the thing that you had been enjoying. Anyway. It's very, yeah, I don't really know what to do. Avocados are controlled by the mafia. Did you guys know that? The Mexican mafia controls avocados. Yeah, I knew that. That's why I find them delicious. Yeah. I only eat, here's my, can I give you guys my rule

for Mexican restaurants? Sure. I will only eat at a Mexican restaurant. Leaves of three, let it be. Oh, sorry. That's poison ivy. I always take a good look at the sign outside the restaurant and I take a look at the full front picture window.

From sitting out on the... Some people will say, take a look at the menu that's posted. I'll glance at the menu, but I'll take a look at all the words that are written on the, you know, the name of the restaurant, the slogan of the restaurant, all that different stuff. If I don't see the word fresh there, I will not eat there. No, it's a good policy.

That's my rule. I demand shredded lettuce. Maybe it should be like the subtitle of, you know, like Fresh Mex or Always Fresh or Eat Fresh. Well, because that way I know that my waiter is going to be white. Sure. It's a concern. Yeah. It's a concern.

Ultimately, at the end of the day, I feel the same way about people trying to sneak MSG into my Chinese food. You know? It's just a dangerous game to play ethnically. You know, it's always fun to throw your cat out of your room on the white waiter. Remember, we're talking about dumb waiters earlier. Yeah. Anyway, bringing it back home. Thank you.

You know what? I I apologize. I could have constructed that joke so that it was not ironic racism, but rather just explicitly anti-racist. I probably should have got that. Oh, I thought you were going to say but rather explicit racism. No, no, no, like reflecting my actual internal racism. Like maybe it could have just been a list of racial slurs.

No, I just, man, I just, I think it's just because I ate sort of a B-minus burrito for lunch but then I got really angry at the idea of Mexican food being not – like putting lettuce in stuff because that, although I do think that is something a lot of people feel about ethnic food. But I think lettuce is just like a shitty nod toward health for something that isn't healthy, right? Isn't that lettuce' typical use in things? It's like, oh, this is very bad for you.

Look at this weird piece of lettuce that has no vitamins. Typical use in things. It's like, oh, this is very bad for you. Look at this weird piece of lettuce that has no vitamins. Yeah. Yes. But it's deeply fraught. Sure.

I will leave it at that. In my opinion, deeply fraught. Look, we're four hours into the program. We need to take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. I'm Cameron Esposito. I'm Rhea Butcher. I am Ricky Carmona. And we are the cast members, what?

I don't know. Podcastiness of Wham Bam Pow. That's an action sci-fi movie podcast you can find on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. And what do we do? News reviews and things you can use. Tons of things you can use. We break it down so it can forever be broken. Hilarious jokes. Plus sometimes there's a dog in the studio. Sometimes there's a dog here.

We'll see you in your earbuds. We'll see you in your earbuds. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jake Weissman, human. Cat. Love. Christ love.

Great. Hi. That was a fun word collage. Thanks. It's like on OkCupid when they tell you what people of various sexes are into. We should call you Jake Marathon Wiseman because we just fucking marathoned that segment. Did we? I didn't realize that was a longer segment than usual.

Oh, I just assumed that he had just run a marathon. Yeah. I actually have run a marathon in my life. Yes. Have you guys ever run a marathon or half marathon or anything like that? No. I did a mud run once. How long was that? 5K. That's pretty good.

I think it's good. I did a turkey gobbler. What's that called? Gobble day gobbler? Fun run? Turkey day? I think that's what it's called. Turkey day gobble. Waddle day Fun Run? Turkey Day? I think that's what it's called. Turkey Day Gobble. Waddle Day Fun Run? Turkey Gobble. What is that?

What do you do? It's something that your mother-in-law makes you go to where on Thanksgiving Day you do a fun run and it counteracts the fact that you're about to eat like a monster. Got it. Okay. And it raises money for a charity. And it's turkey themed. You can wear a turkey costume if you want to, but I don't. So, question.

If it's for a charity, is there a super hot pregnant Chelsea Clinton there? No, Jordan. Jordan. Jordan. What? Not all events that are for charity have a super hot pregnant Chelsea Clinton there. Wrong. I'm sorry?

They all do. Do they? Yeah. Is that new? It is new. Since Chelsea Clinton got pregnant. You say you don't watch a lot of TV, but yeah, you should check out TV, man. It's all that.

Prego Chelsea Clinton for days. Chelsea's a busy woman. Mm-hmm. Well, I stand- Active lady. I stand corrected. When I was there, it was before she was pregnant. There was no Chelsea Clinton there pregnant, sexy, or otherwise.

Okay? Now, Brian Wilson was there. Yeah. He wasn't showing, but he had a glow. Are we talking about the Beach Boy or the pitcher? The host of the NBC Nightly there. Yeah. He wasn't showing, but he had a glow. Are we talking about the Beach Boy or the pitcher? The host of the NBC Nightly News. Oh, okay. Wait, did I say Brian Wilson?

Yeah. I meant Brian Williams. Oh, Brian Williams. Yeah. God damn it. Okay. Well, it's fun anyway. Yeah, I mean, I got it.

I actually thought that was the guy's name, so. Okay. There you go. Oh, I sold it at the very least. He totally sold it. Hey, listen, when something momentous happens to you, let's say you go to a turkey gobbler and it turns out there's

a sexy, pregnant Chelsea Clinton there. We ask you to call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Our telephone number, 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Let's go to the phones. Hi, this is Stephanie in Oakland

calling with a momentous occasion. I just ate a fortune cookie and the fortune, I kid you not, said ignore previous cookie. I feel like I should never eat another fortune cookie again because none of the fortunes will be that good again.

Love the show and yeah, that's all. Fuck you, fortune cookie again because none of the fortunes will be that good again love the show and yeah that's all fuck you fortune cookie is this are there like is this some sort of artisanal hipster fortune cookie where they gotta be like hashtag confucius say i i think there's such an opportunity your lucky numbers are 69 dude well i think that like i remember I was a kid, my father would get me all the time. He would open up the Forge cookie and be like, help, help. I'm a prisoner in the Chinese cookie fortune factory. And I would lose my mind. I would just be like, we have to help him.

But I think you could have so much fun writing for those. I feel like that would be a great plum job if it paid well. I got one the other day that said, you will prosper in the field of entertainment. I was like, what? How did? Jesus. Can I take a guess? Yeah.

I'm guessing they're not paid well. I definitely think they're not paid well. I'm guessing this is not a lucrative gig one way or hipster or otherwise. I have to say I want my fortune cookie, Fortune, to have been written by a guy whose English is poor and is essentially copying one that he read from – that he read 10 years ago and only half remembers. I want it to be like bad Xeroxes right indefinitely into the future so you kind of have to decode what the original meaning might have been i want the only change i want in fortune cookies in fortune cookie messages from now and from 1965 is slight degradation with each passing year yeah so maybe it's something like if the original – what's a good classic fortune cookie fortune? Like, you know –

Watch out. No. There's a spider on your shoulder. You know, those around you find your personality delightful. Right. Your friends are the one you should hold dearest or something like that. So you would – your ideal fortune – In bed.

In bed. Your ideal fortune would be something like those around you find your fun essence nice. Yes. And it just keeps going from there. Yeah. Again, like a photocopy, you're photocopying through the generations until it's pure madness. It's like a game of Chinese fortune cookie telephone almost. Exactly. Yeah.

That's what I believe. Yeah. I don't believe in much, Jordan. Sure. But when Jay Allison calls me and he asks me to write that essay for NPR, I'm going to tell him I don't want people... You're this I believe. Yeah. I don't want people's quote unquote improving fortune cookie fortune.

You want them to, if anything, make them worse. Yeah. They're making, it's not a greeting card. I also don't believe in greeting card writing. Yeah. You think that should be the same principle? Just get someone whose English is their second or third language to translate one they remembered? You know what I think a greeting card should say?

Happy birthday. That's what I think a fucking greeting card should say. Comma chump. It's like hard to find a greeting card that just says happy birthday. I tried to find fucking thank you notes the other day. That was a nightmare. fucking thank you notes the other day. That was a nightmare.

Now, I'm not a guy who subscribes to traditional gender roles. I think men can enjoy feminine things. I think women can enjoy... You're wearing a tampon right now. I am. Traditional gender roles is the name of the magazine.

I'll sometimes pick it up at the airport if I forget a book. I'll steal it, but I won't airport i'll steal it yeah i'll steal it but i won't i'll swipe it from a newsstand do i buy the swimsuit issue yes but basically every thank you note i could find was like a champagne flute exploding glitter like that was as masculine as a thank you note as I could find. And I went all over the place. I finally found a nice one that was just kind of brown and it looked like it had thank you screen printed on it, which was kind of nice. But everything just looked like a bachelorette party invitation.

I always try to be – I try to mix humor and sincerity with notes like that. humor and sincerity with notes like that. And I find an easy way to seem charming is to just get a card that's for a completely different thing and then cross it out. So if it's like, thanks for being my uncle, you cross it out, but like, happy birthday.

And they're like, oh, that's so funny. They went there and they crossed that out. It's just an easy, cheap laugh. It's like nice family fun. It's a way to be quirky, but not too weird for your family. I'm right there with you. I'm always too weird for my family like i'm always like i'm definitely in the weirder spectrum of things so if i can be quirky but accessible that's very helpful for me and what's also nice about that is you don't have to get a fancy card no you can get a dollar store card yeah sure go to the other thing and go, you're two. If Jay gets me a second shot at writing this NPR essay after they reject the first one,

my new one's going to be, what kind of fucking asshole pays $5 for a piece of paper? Yeah, that plays Mambo No. 5 when you open it. I want something that plays Mambo No. 5 when you open it from the dollar store for 99 cents. And I want it to be one foot by two feet in size. You don't need the actual license track Mambo No. 5. You just want a greeting card employee humming it. Yeah. Na, na, na, na, na, na.

Ah, you know the rest. What do you think Lubega does now? I don't know. Well, the thing about Lubega is Lubega didn't write Mambo No. 5. It's a cover. So Lubega doesn't even have publishing on Mambo No. 5. So he gets like appearance money probably. Wait a minute.

Hold on. I'm going to have to look into this. Jennifer, can you go on like I think allmusic.com has songwriting credits on songs. Can you look up Mambo No. 5, the Lubega version, and find out if he has a songwriting credit on it for making up the names that are the lyrics? Because the original doesn't have lyrics. I think Jimmy Pardo is going to sue us for this part of the podcast. For telling her exactly specifically. This is a very Never Not Funny-esque segment. I'm all for it, though. I can't get invited back on that show, so we might as well do some of the podcast. For telling her exactly specifically. This is a very Never Not Funny-esque segment.

Yeah. I'm all for it, though. I can't get invited back on that show, so we might as well do some of their segments. My favorite... Sorry, that was a dig.

I got a little catty there. My favorite part on Never Not Funny is Jimmy will often tell Garen, their intern, specifically what search terms to use. And also, Jimmy is very bad

at naming search terms. Oh, I love that show. Yeah, they're great used. And also, Jimmy is very bad at naming search terms. Oh, I love that show. Yeah, they're great guys. But anyway, he got a composition credit. That's not anything. Here was what I thought about Mambo No. 5. Can't get publishing off of a composition credit. Was that the music was a classic Mambo.

Yeah. But the little bit of Jessica. That was a Lou Vega original. That's why I'm wondering, does he get publishing? Apparently he only had a composition credit on it. He came up with the girls' names. I know, but apparently it's not good enough. So if he had the public, you've got to figure the mechanicals on that are passable but not great.

What I'm envisioning right now is him writing the words out. And then with a song that bad you just i like to imagine the moment he finishes writing it and he goes i got it you know what i mean just like i did it and then he was right he was fucking right but i just think that's a really funny this is going to define a generation do you think lubega senior is proud of him no question absolutely i i mean lubega definitely has a great life now i mean mean, there's no way he doesn't, right? How could you not? He was the Psy of our generation.

I'll tell you what. He's our Psy. He's our Psy. After I interviewed Charlie Wilson, the great Charlie Wilson of the Gap Band, one of the greatest funk bands ever. You dropped a bomb on me. You got it. You dropped a bomb on me. You got it. So Charlie, like three years, four, five years after, five-ish years after the like you dropped a bomb on me era in the late 80s was homeless.

Oh, wow. If you're bad with your money, you can fuck it up pretty bad. Especially in music. Especially in music, I feel like. And, you know, we don't know what Lou Bega's deal was. He doesn't have any talent. He didn't have any, you know, he didn't have any bargaining chips to play when he was signed to that contract. They could have took his royalties.

Most Behind the Music documentaries are about how the people did not make as much money as everyone thought they did. I feel like TLC and, like, MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice, they're all like, yeah, I got one hundredth of that money. Like, that's basically Behind the Music was telling you that don't be a musician. It's like a nightmare. Well, I think being a famous, the problem with a record contract is that you have to, you think that you're collecting all the money, but actually what you're doing is paying for all of the stuff that's happening. all of the stuff that's happening. And so going on tour with a 12-piece band and 30 backup dancers, you have to pay all those people. Yeah.

I always forget that Kanye is paying millions of dollars for his projects. He really is – it's like he's reinvesting constantly. He has a huge staff of people working for him on the music side. He's putting on these huge stage productions. Right. Yeah. Okay. Let's hear another call. Now that we've solved the music industry's problems. Hey, Jordan Jessica. I have a moment of vacation.

So I live in Boulder, Colorado. And tonight I was walking to the 7-Eleven to go pick up some soda. And as I get to the doors, I briefly, like five seconds, make eye contact with a woman. And that five seconds is all I need to know that she is on a lot of drugs. She just has that look about her. The guy she's with seems like he's okay. They're carrying like four handfuls of

Slurpee. They're leaving just as I'm going in. Go in, I buy my soda, I'm coming back out, and I notice that they're still just sitting in the parking lot. But they're not just sitting in the parking lot, they're sitting in the parking lot of a doorless, bright, fire-red Jeep. Walk past them, I'm making my way to the stoplight, and just as I get to the stoplight to cross the street, they pull out of the parking lot, and they are blasting the wheels on the bus. And I have to tell you now, there are no children in this car. Two grown adults, four slurpees, and the wheels on the bus. But it's picking up mid-song, so they're right at the spot where it goes, and the driver on the bus goes beep, beep, beep.

And there are no doors on this Jeep, so we can hear everything. And as they're pulling out, every time the driver on the bus goes beep, beep, beep, this guy is just laying on his horn in time with the car. And the guy who is stuck at the stoplight with me is just making eye contact with me. But we can say nothing, so we just walked in other directions. Have a good night. Thanks. Bye.

Only in Boulder. Am I right, guys? Only in Boulder, weird. That point. I mean, can we say Moments is an Occasion Hall of Fame for that one? Yeah, that's one of the all-time greatest. That's on a pedestal. God bless you, madam.

That is great. God bless you. I also genuinely feel, having done so many open mics of comedy, that is something I would see at an LA open mic. Just like that's like so like just like this like crazy sort of art experiment. It's beautiful. They're just putting art out into the world. Oh, so you think it's a performance piece.

I think it's a performance piece. That's what I prefer to believe it is. Yes. They're making Boulder better. I mean, I know when I'm jacked up on crank, I like to listen to a little Raffy. Baby Beluga? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

Swim so wild and you swim so free. Wow. And you'll eat the devil that lives in my brain. Just a little white whale on the go eating devils. He loves to eat devils. You know what? Raffy was the sigh of our generation. That's true.

I should have said that. Oh, man. Raffi and Lubega were the co-sighs of our generation. Let's not. I'd love to see a video of them doing blow together. Like that would just to shatter my childhood. Raffi and Lubega? Yeah.

Just because like how does life get better than that? Just Raffi is a cokehead. You know, it's funny. How does life get better than that? Just Raffi is a cokehead. You know, it's funny. There's been this whole business this week about Orlando Bloom punching Justin Bieber and the kind of – the further that goes. Jesse, have you heard about this?

Yeah. It sounds like you gave him a real punch right on the schnoz. Right on his Canadian schnoz. Punch right on the schnoz. Right on his Canadian schnoz. And the more you hear about this, the more and more celebrities were there to witness it. Apparently Leonardo DiCaprio was also there and Zach – and they were all just like in this bungalow in Ibiza. I like the idea – Ibiza. Excuse me.

Ibiza. Ibiza. I like the idea that there's just these places where all celebrities can go and be celebrities together, which probably at some point resulted in Lou Bega and Rafi doing blow together. Oh, yeah. That's true. I mean just in 1992. I don't know. When did Mambo No. 5 come out?

4 or 5? No. Later. 1990. I'm going to say 1998 jen my book 1999 that's embarrassing i was for us as a culture okay so um my uh my friend at national public radio mr guy ross uh the host of the ted radio hour um tweeted at raffaffy like last week just to tell him how much he loved playing Baby Beluga for his daughter. I think he has a daughter.

And Raffy tweeted back, you're welcome. Such a pleasure. Please follow back. Wow. It never ends. It never ends. Never ends. Not even with Raffy.

You got to keep hustling on social media. And then I looked at Raffi. You got to keep hustling on social media. And then I looked at Raffi's Twitter. I'm not trying to brag, but I got like three times as many followers as Raffi. Not bad. Not bad. Suck on that, Raffi. Yeah, fuck you, Raffi. Raffi's a real heel.

Yeah. His beautiful song about an undersea whale and his beautiful relationship with his mother. Yeah. I sang for my son when he wants to go to bed. That's cute. We got one more call, right? That was a Hall of Famer. Hey, Jordan, Jesse.

Presumably. I just got hit by a car. I was driving my scooter down the street, taking a left-hand turn when I was about I don't know what the word is anymore, but 90 degrees to the car. He had me rolled up onto

his hood and then fell to the ground. But walked away pretty much fine. The scooter actually is still running, just a little crooked. And so, yeah. That was an experience just before I turned 30 bye happy fucking birthday

have you ever hit someone? no I've never hit a person in high school once I ran over a snake pretty cool how did you know you ran over the snake? he was really flat yeah you know I was driving and i saw it start to

slither and i slammed on the brakes uh and then got out and uh there was i had bisected the snake i chopped the snake in half of my car wow and it's not like a worm where it'll just go off oh i think that's what happens yeah that's what happens i didn't kill it i didn't kill i didn't know i didn't kill you doubled the number of snakes in the world. Yeah. I increased the number of snakes. And therefore – Later on you saw it and it looked a lot like a hat. That was because it had eaten an elephant. Yeah, exactly.

I am really – see, here's the thing. We ask people to put the phone number 206-9844-FUN into their telephones. Here's the reason why. Because that way, as soon as you roll off the hood of that fucking car, while you're still in a daze, you can call us and tell us. He was pretty articulate. I was surprised. I mean, you could tell that he was, you know, a little punchy.

Yeah. But, yeah. That's probably because he was drunk. Yeah, that's true. He was drunk puttering around on his scooter. That's why he was making such foolish left-hand turns. Yeah. You know, our friend Roman Mars told me that he had a momentous occasion.

Listening. He was walking around doing something really specific and listening to Jordan Jesse go. And he heard Jordan say that he should have named Bullseye instead of naming it Bullseye, which he did. He named my show Roman Mars Huge Dick. Oh, yeah. Nice. That's fun. Fond regards from our friend

Roman Mars. As long as we're sending out fond messages to some of our favorite podcasters, not just our friend Jimmy Pardo, but also our friend Roman Mars from 99% Invisible. Yeah. Who does have a gorgeous crank. I mean, the guy has.

Well, you know, he keeps it up. He lotions it. Yeah. And he keeps it up, too. Yeah. He keeps it erect at all times. Yeah. That's how I know.

I've never seen him nude. Yeah. But he just wears loose pants. Sure. I saw him in Ibiza. He was wearing all white linen and, you know. Right. Sort of loosey-goose wears loose pants. Sure. I saw him in Ibiza. He was wearing all white linen and, you know, sort of loosey-goosey type situation. Sure. And he got into a fight with Peter Sagal.

No, I mean, Lubega and Raffi, they did the line off his dick. Oh, right. Yes. Yeah, sure, sure. Because it's like really long and great. Raffi, Lubega, Roman Mars. What does Lubega's website look like right now? That's what I want to know.

You know, I was, for work, was looking at the websites of various defunct bands or various bands that are kind of punchlines. Creed, their news, the news section of their website, just a blank field. No news. Not a lot happening on the creed front. The news just says, Jesus still the son of God. His light continues to shine upon us. His light continues to shine upon us.

The most recent Sugar Ray video includes a significant amount of footage of them playing live at the opening of a speaker store. It's great. Oh, no. Yeah. Not a lot of hilarious things. It seems like all those old, you know, kind of goofy bands that you would goof on just like play county fairs and they're fucking fine. They're fine. It's probably a pretty good life to be like Candlebox.

Right. Soul Asylum. Oh, yeah. We still can sell out a House of Blues in Tampa and we're fine. Right. Even Lubega though? Oh, I wonder. Yeah, good question.

Because Sugar Ray have fans. Yeah. And I guess they continue to make, even though we never heard any of the songs from them, you know, as the public, a Sugar Ray fan probably knows their, you know, late period work. You know what? This is what I think. I think, sure, your Sugar Rays can play a House of Blues in Tampa. And Lou Bega probably can't do that. Yeah.

But Lou Bega can play't do that. Yeah. But Lubega can play a county fair. Yeah. And I bet when he puts on – okay, number one, this guy's got a great-looking website. It's a nice website. I'm going to turn around so I can see it. It looks – I mean this is a rock-solid website. I got no complaints about it. Simple, elegant.

Lubega.com. Is it Lubega.com? I can't quite see that. There's some – Lou-Bega.com. Lou-'t quite see that. There's some some. Lou dash Bega dot com. There's some. Lou Bega dot com's for. There's some women dancing behind him, but they're not like trampy.

They're, you know, kind of tasteful babes. I'm right that he was Lou Bega Jr. Or did I just make that up? I don't know. Yeah. Maybe I just made that whole thing up. But like Lou Bega, I bet. Like once I saw Chubby Checker at the Santa Cruz

Beach Boardwalk and Chubby Checker has one hit song. Well, one and two half hit songs. Well, he didn't, he had one hit and then he just did a million songs with the word twist in it. Well, he has, well, the only ones that are successful, he has, uh, he has a song with the Fat Boys, uh, from the late 19, mid to late 1980s. He has the twist, of course, the iconic hit. And then he has the follow with the Fat Boys from the mid to late 1980s. He has the twist, of course, the iconic hit. And then he has the follow-up to the twist, Let's Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer.

And then he would... Let's twist again like we did last summer. Let's twist again like we did last year. And then he would just periodically release them. There was the Iran Contra twist. There was the Sixth Sense twist. Where he revealed the twist to the Sixth Sense. It was really shitty.

He got sued, yeah. He's dead the whole time. You don't need to see it. End of the day, Chubby Checker, the same reason he got the deal to make the twist was just because it was on American Bandstand. And the guy who originally cut the twist wasn't around. And so they're just like, well, can you come on and do the twist if I'm remembering the story correctly? Cause he was just a competent singer that was hanging out at American

bandstand in Philly. And like for that reason, you know, fucking Chubby Checker can put on a fun show. Sure. He's a pro. Yeah. I bet Lou Bega's a pro. I bet Lou Bega's got a nice tight six-piece.

No question. No question he's a consummate professional. I mean, I feel like he's performed for hundreds of thousands of people. He has to at least be confident at what he does. I mean, he has just like that. He put together that nice website. And this guy's a band leader. And he's got that tiny mustache.

Anybody with a tiny mustache, I respect them more. Jen's scrolling down, and just a little news piece I saw on Lou Bega's website was, Lou Bega got married in Las Vegas. I wondered when he'd settle down. Yeah, finally. Finally. Do you think it was Jennifer? It was definitely Jessica.

I bet she glares at him when he has to play that song. You're not by my side anymore, Jessica. You walk with me now. I bet. I bet. I bet. I bet. They wrote their own path.

Yeah. Wouldn't it be like something if she's like, okay, Lubega, I love you. I trust you. But you need to stop playing Mambo No. 5 in public. I feel like it's disrespectful to me. It's disrespectful to our vows. But it's like it's their livelihood. And he writes Mambo No. 6.

Just about how much you love your wife. A little bit of Jessica in my life. I love my wife Jessica all the time. My wife Jessica is really great. My wife Jessica I'd never hate. We'll be back. I don't think of other women when I masturbate. That's great.

Don't worry, I'm not one of those guys that's into porn. I just think it's gross, you know? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's gross, you know? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Hey, Ross. Hey, Carrie. Hey, it's me, your co-host.

Oh, yeah. We have a show, don't we? We have a show. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie. It's about undercover investigations of fringe groups. Yeah, like the Tony Alamo Ministries cult. Yep.

That's led by a pedophile. He's in jail. He's in jail. Also, we became Mormons. We became Raelians, which is a UFO group. That's right. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis. Yes. The 9-11 Truthers. We got cupped. We got acupunctured.

We got reiki. We've pretty much anything that you've heard of and been like, that doesn't sound quite right. We've done that. So you don't have to do it. So if you want to hear about this, and you should, then go to MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Thanks for the congratulations You're welcome Did you do it in the little white wedding chapel? Yeah, I wore a dress It was white, it was great It was great

I mean, Lou's great He's a great guy You sound like you have reservations about it Oh, I hate him so much He's such a bastard But you love being in the entertainment industry That's what fortune cookies say You love getting backstage at that House of Blues in Tampa

Yeah, exactly. Getting into the beer cooler back there. They always have like celery sticks back there for you in the dressing room. It's worth it. If you ask them, they will go down to the dining room and bring you chicken fingers. They won't automatically put them out. But if you say, can you get me some chicken strips? I always bat my eyelashes too.

It works. Yeah. It works. You're Mrs. Lubega. Yeah. Who is on the lubega package tour okay so yeah so i guess we need other late 90s like kind of novelty what about here's maybe a curveball what about menudo oh you think menudo might be opening for lubega

that's racist first of all yeah but also probably true. Also, but I wonder, is Menudo still going? It's like they replenish Menudo, right? I think Menudo, they did, but I think they finally shut down Menudo a few years ago. I think Menudo went into like the mid-2000s. This would be a great thing for Jennifer to look up if she were on the ball. She's working overtime in this episode. Yeah, we got her working. This would be a great thing for Jennifer to look up if she were on the ball. She's working overtime in this episode. Yeah, we got her working.

We're covering a lot of weird ground. What were the other – So, yeah. So what else is popular around this? Because the thing is like you immediately think Hanson. Yeah. But the truth is, A, Hanson's style of music doesn't fit well. And, B, Hanson actually turned out to be pretty great and have their own whole thing going. They were good and they also have

a huge fan base. They tour to their... They're like the Indigo Girls kind of. They have their people and they'll just see them until they die. They now have a beer called Mmm Hops. Is that true? That is true. I interviewed Hanson maybe five years ago

for my show. At the time, they had a new album out and I listened to it a number of times in preparing for my show. At the time, they had a new album out, and I listened to it, you know, a number of times in preparing for the interview. Thought it was great. Also, talked to them, thought they were great, became a Hanson fan. I've always liked Hanson.

I think they're... Mbop is a good... Mbop is a great song. If Mbop came on, you'd be like, hey, there's Mbop. They're also teenagers who could make music together. I think it's awesome. I think they Mbop is a good – Mbop is a great song. If Mbop came on, you'd be like, hey, there's Mbop. There are also teenagers who could make music together. I think it's awesome. I think they were great. Yeah, I totally love them.

That was a time when like – you know, I would – God, what was I listening to the other day that the teens love? It's this awful white reggae song. Do you guys know which one? I think the band is called Magic! And they just have this awful – what if what if what if one direction had a little hint of sublime in it okay i guess this off it's real bad it is uh do not listen to this song unless for some reason you're in a profession where you need to be what's up but you need to be up on what's happening in the internet this is awful i have to say i am so i

personally so happy that white pop musicians have mostly stopped just making shitty black music that now they all just make that kind of shitty katy perry music um which i don't care about but it's fine because it just exists in a separate world but what you just described sounds like my worst night yeah it's i mean it's a dick-burning disaster. It will make you feel like you're made of pubic lice. It's just the worst. Can we get a Menudo update real quick? 2007, they had their own show on MTV.

Was that just about Mexican foods that are easier to get on Sundays? Yeah, exactly. No, no. We're making menudo. We're teaching you how to – anyway, what was I talking about? This awful band? It was actually part of a year-long series they did on Tripe. I was talking about this – what about this awful band?

Oh, yeah. Okay. I was talking about this what about this awful band oh yeah okay oh so you know and it's and this is an awful song but also you know it's being propelled by 10 to 12 year old girls because that's who

controls music right Hanson you 10 to 12 year old girls were fucking on it yeah like that was a time when they really like

hey I was knocked out of the park when Hanson hit big I was 15 or 16 yeah maybe and I was against big, I was 15 or 16 maybe. And I was against it because I was a 15-year-old dude. I think we all probably said some things about Hanson we wish we could take back. And I believed that the only good thing you could like is like Wu-Tang Clan or whatever.

And I was dead wrong. I was wrong on Hanson and wrong on America. I was also wrong on No Doubt. I felt like that was a band I couldn't like for a while. For some reason, I had weird reservations about it. But as I got older, I'm like, oh, they were awesome. Like they were actually – they did it right. I mean I feel like –

Jake, I know where you're going with this. I respect it. I'm going to say Wrong Room. But I understand – I like your – I respect your want to grow and change and be a better person. Thank you. All things Southern California and all things white people, which is an irrational resentment. And Jordan's Orange County roots related traumas. The traumas of Jordan's child. Look, our friend Scott Aukerman grew up with no doubt.

He grew up in exactly the same context as Jordan did, only he was friends with no doubt. If Jordan had grown up friends with no doubt, if he were whatever it is, eight years older than he is, maybe it would be fine. He was friends. He was in high school with the people that liked no doubt and drove lifted pickup trucks. was in high school with the people that liked no doubt and drove lifted pickup trucks i think for me it was when i was very young like very young and i grew up in suburban new york i wasn't able to admit how much i liked a band with a female lead singer to be super honest and i think no this is i think that's what a lot of uh young boys go through is is or at least and now i pretty much primarily like bands with female lead singers or female vocals.

But I think that was a thing that was holding me back. I made fun of my friends for listening to No Doubt. And then I realized, oh, I actually do find this catchy and like it a lot. Every other band that sounds like No Doubt I kind of hate. But for some reason I have to attach myself to my love of No Doubt because it was what turned me into a better person. And you think, oh, and you think it's the female vocal thing. I think when I was a kid, that was the main hold up. Yeah.

What am I doing? Yeah, definitely. Like I can see how like, you know, if you are a kid and your friends like, you know, metal or punk or hardcore music, like, you know, that stuff is not always the most female friendly. And I just wasn't comfortable enough with myself when I was 15 or something to be like, I like women. I think they're great. You know, I just wasn't. And remember that video where she's like doing pushups and she's sweating and everything. Sure.

I was like, it's such awesome girl power stuff. I mean, my girlfriend, her favorite band is no doubt like that, like inspired her to be a very cool person. And I think that's why I still hold on to no doubt and still listen to them. And you know what? I will say this. I will say this for no doubt. I think that like, no, no, no.

I think that this is this. hey, we're all learning. We're all growing. Yeah. I felt the same way in high school about Da Brat. Got it. I felt the same way about Da Vry. Only – I'm like, that's not a good place to get a degree.

Only like two years ago did I finally become functified. I think that obviously in you – that old No Doubt stuff from when we were in high school I think has been pretty harshly tainted by how goofy Gwen Stefani became. And whereas that stuff was very, very goofy, it was no goofier than what else was going on. It was about the same level of goofy. It was just more popular. the same level of goofy it was just more popular and then i think gwen stefani kind of became this ridiculous character and you know uh goofier than that baseline amount of goofiness anyway weird a weird i'll tell you what made me most uncomfortable with no doubt and specifically gwen stefani this wasn't her being a singer or her and you know another it was the like uh it was the fake chola stuff

and the fake black girl stuff um both of those can the fake chola stuff in the in the no doubt era uh bleeding into she always she she hung on to the fake chola stuff and then added more and more fake black girl stuff. And all of that stuff, it was all sort of like, I don't think I'm okay with that. Sorry, lady. I don't think I'm cool with that. I respect your opinion. I totally get it. I think that when I was 16 and I changed my mind about it, I was not aware of cultural appropriation yet. Like I wasn't – even though hip-hop was becoming – you know, hip-hop was obviously our generation.

It became the most mainstream thing ever. I was not aware. I just was like – because before you are aware of cultural issues, you're like, well, hip-hop is the music I listen to. Like that's just what I listen to. You're not like aware you probably should let – you shouldn't – white people shouldn't do it as much there. That's definitely a complicated thing to expect a 13-year-old to do. Yeah, it's very complicated.

And I just was like it's cool that a woman is doing that. So I just have that association with – it's why – yeah. And definitely if they were at like a music festival with Pennywise and – I'm trying to think of another band that's as aggressively doody as Pennywise. Social Distortion? Yeah, exactly. If they're at a music festival with Pennywise and Social Distortion, oh, fuck, there's a woman up there being a pretty high-energy great lead singer. Anyway, that's something. Yeah.

Okay, look. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, point executive. Jake Weissman, no doubt fan. God bless you.

God bless you for it. Jacob Weissman, I'm sure after your bravuro performance on this week's program, people are going to want to know how they can keep in touch with Jacob Weissman. Can you tell me? Sure. I'm on Twitter, at WeissmanJake. That's one of the best Twitters around. Oh, thank you, Jordan.

Consistently great, consistently hilarious on Twitter. Thank you very much, Jordan. And I have a sketch group called Women at WomenComedy.com. We put out a sketch every month. I think you'll like it. Okay. I actually, I only use Twitter to get hard news. Yeah, sure.

I think the best Twitter. I was only use Twitter to get hard news. Yeah, sure. I think the best Twitter. I thought you were going to say to get hard. I like Jake Trapper. Sure. Tapper? Jake Tapper. John Taffer. John Taffer.

Wolf Blitzer. Sure. Wolf Blitzer. Yeah. I follow Wolf Blitzer on there. But I think you could, you'll probably put a joke on there. It makes sense now that you explain it to me. Sure.

Sounds good. Maybe you can joke around. Yeah. But hopefully there's a little bit of like news information in the joke. Like about, you know, some Gaza Strip stuff. That's why I love Bill Maher. Thank you. Can I tell you why?

I love Bill Maher because I watch something and I laugh, you know, because I like the way, you know, he puts down the other people on the show. But I also learn something because I agree with him. I'm also self-righteous. Yeah. I was going to see. I was like, what's going to happen here at the end of this? Okay. Yeah.

He's a little much. Bill Maher is a little too much. He's a little too much. He has some good qualities. Can I say I had a great time on the program with you and I'm very thankful to be a guest. That's a fun thing too much. Yeah. A little too much. It's a little too much. He has some good qualities. Can I say I had a great time in the program with you, and I'm very thankful to be a guest. That's a fun thing to say. Yeah. I mean it.

That's a really kind of you. I try to be a sincere guy. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number if you want to call. And you can tell us just about anything. Hey, if you're out there, you're a designer, you've been thinking about some Jordan Jesse Go merch idea, and you want to send it in to us, now is the time because we are just about to make our final decisions and get all our orders in and get maxfundstore.com refreshed and renewed. So do it now. If you've got an idea for a shirt or whatever burning a hole in your pocket, send it to Lindsay at MaximumFun.org.

L-I-N-D-S-A-Y. Do it now. It's a paid gig but poorly paid. So you will make probably triple digits of money. Yeah. It's an internship plus that your college doesn't care about or future employers. Yeah. I'm going to say triple digits of money, unlikely quadruple digits of money unless it's fucking amazing. And that's because we're just not that popular.

The truth is – It's not a popular show. No. We are not very successful. We are not Duck Dynasty here. Okay, guys? We do share their political beliefs. And we manufacture duck calls.

Yeah. There are some similarities between us and Duck Dynasty. Okay. Let's see. What do we got over here? Jennifer Marmer over there on the boards. Thank you, Jennifer, for your able Googling today. Of course, we have Brian Fernandez in London, England, cutting the program, our producer.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.