Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 339: King Frizz with Matt Belknap

Episode Date: August 25, 2014

Podcaster Matt Belknap joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of hidden talents, business ideas, and Jordan's first ultimate frisbee game.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, have you ever heard this story, Jordan? It's an old theater tale. It's about a grand dame and a young ingenue. I like where this is going. Hot dame on ingenue action.

No, it is not. That is not where it's headed, Jordan. Well, it is now in my mind. You go ahead and talk about whatever you're talking about. I'm going to imagine this hot lez out. I'm trying to tell you this hot intergenerational lez out. Jordan, I am trying to tell you an instructive tale about the power of the mind.

Oh, okay. Okay, so here's what would happen in this play. They would have this- And how you can motivate yourself to Lez out. Sorry. No, Jordan. The ingenue would unbutton the top button of her blouse during the scene with the Grand Dame. And in so doing, she would upstage the Grand Dame's big monologue.

Okay. And this is all pretty sexy. Jordan! Then they open up a car wash. To raise money to save the bikini factory. Jordan, no. Okay. okay no jordan this is about the power of the mind okay so the grand dame says to the ingenue you need to stop upstaging me and the ingenue says pa pa you know pa dismissively sure

you know what I mean? Some kind of, it's just a string of letters with no vowels. And the Grand Dame says, upstage me one more time during my monologue, and I'll upstage you for the rest of the show without even being on stage. And you know what the ingenue says? What? Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. You know, it's a string of vowels. Mm-hmm. So in their big scene together, the grand dame is delivering her monologue. The ingenue... I guess a string of vowels would be,

eh, oh, oh, eh. Yeah, that would be like if you were... You use string of consonants. If you had... Did I just say... Yeah. Did I say string of would be like if you were... You use string of consonants. If you had... Did I say string of vowels? I like string of... String of vowels sounds better, though. Try it.

Eh. Oh. I guess that's just what you do after you're done recording your dialogue for a video game for a silver session. Eh. What? So a string of consonants. Thank you, Jordan.

Oh. Thank you, Jordan. And... Yow. So while the grand dame is doing her monologue, the ingenue buttons are blouse a little bit. All eyes in the theater turn to the ingenue. And the grand dame finishes. And as she makes her exit, she takes the glass of wine that's been in her hand and she places it down on the table.

But she places it with the base half on the table and half off. Sure. It's behind the ingenue. And so for the rest of the show, as the ingenue plays to the audience, the audience's eyes are on that glass. That's the story about the theater. And then it spills and gets all over her blouse. Uh-oh.

And then the grand dame comes back on. Sure. They make up and so forth. Great. Anyway, the moral of that story is the question for us today here in the studio is, will my dog Coco drink Matt Bell Naps water? Because my dog Coco is hanging out, and she keeps hearing her name, and she's staring at me wondering why I'm talking about her. She's here in the recording booth with us,

and Matt is upset because he's put his water on the ground. Well, there's nowhere else to put it. I mean, if I had a table to put this glass half on and half off, I would do it. And thrill the audience. That was my intent. Matt Belknap, by the way, is our guest. He's, of course, the producer and co-host of the beloved soap opera-themed podcast, Never Not Funny, alongside our friend Jimmy Pardo, part of the Earwolf Network.

Recently, as of six months or so ago, available for free right into your ears. True. Highly recommendable. One of my favorite shows. One of our favorite guests on the program. Matt, welcome in. I apologize for the possibility that at any moment

my dog could awaken from her idyll and charge your water before you can get your hand down there to protect it. First of all, thank you for welcoming me. You're welcome. And second of all, I think we're going to be okay. She seems to have passed out. Or died.

This is basically – we're basically leaving her in a car at Walmart, right? Like this is the same thing? That's really like this recording booth is for all of us in here, Coco included, but also Jordan, you and Matt and myself. This is a car with the windows rolled up. Yeah, I just, I mean, beyond my water, there's a limited amount of oxygen in this box. Do we really want another living thing sharing air with us? Mom's just running to Target to get a few things. She's left us in this box to record a podcast.

And when she comes out, we're all dead and everybody's life is ruined. How are things going for you, Matt Balnap? It seems like things are going swimmingly over there at Never Not Funny. Yeah, things are great. We're having fun. Yeah, you know, I'm just, it's Saturday, or as I like to call it, Dadder Day.

Sure. Did you participate in any dad activities so far today? Yeah, I took my daughter to her ice skating lesson. Oh, ice skating lessons. Yeah. Can I broach the subject of a lesson to you guys? Sure. There is a place called –

You're teaching your son to make broaches. Yeah. How can I get – For the granddad. For the granddad, yes. Or maybe the ingenue to button up her goddamn shirt. Yeah, thank you. But throw a broach on there. For once in your life. Let us use our imaginations. That's goddamn shirt. Yeah, thank you. But throw a brooch on there. For once in your life.

Let us use our imaginations. That's sexier. Yeah, what a whore. I hate her. Does she, how old's your daughter? She's about to turn six. Okay. Just started first grade, right?

Just started first grade on Monday, yeah. What do you, oh, sorry. Sorry, Jordan. One at a time, guys. I wanted to ask what she wears to do an ice skating lesson. Does she wear a cool – like an ice skating costume or is it just street clothes? No, she wears like leggings and a fleece jacket. Gotcha.

Yeah, she's not at the level of – I mean she probably would if we were like here is a crazy Michelle Kwan outfit. Yeah, you don't have to coax a six-year-old too hard to put on a Michelle Kwan outfit. Yeah, you don't have to coax a six-year-old too hard to put on a Michelle Kwan outfit. But she's kind of done with it. This is like we are winding this whole ice skating lesson thing down. It's been a year of – frankly, the best thing about it is that it's not hot because you get to go in the rink and it's nice and cool. You get to avoid the heat for a while. They maybe have a cruising USA machine you can play? You know what?

They basically, God, that's very close. Have you been to Pickwick? No, but I have been to ice skating rinks before. It's not Cruisin' USA, but it's like another car. One of those. Yeah, sit down. Okay, maybe a... What's a Sega one?

Radmobile? You might be thinking of... San Francisco Rush 2044? No. It might be the 18-wheeler one. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Because for every kid who fantasizes about being a long-haul trucker.

Yeah, those are fun. Is there a green button for Papa Greeny? You'd have to bring your own greenies to this game. But you do need to take them if you want to succeed. This is a real-time game. This isn't a race game about long-haul trucking. Honestly, the first level is you have to back up into a loading dock. It's the hardest thing.

Start with the hardest challenge. Can I tell you, I actually – we are joking right now. But as an elementary school-aged kid, I had a shareware game for my IBM PC with a CGA screen called Trucker. It was text-based. Oh, no. And basically all you did was tell it what kind of cargo you wanted to carry. And that was only like fruit boxes and something else. And then you decided what route to take across the United States, northern, central or southern.

And then you told it how fast you wanted to go for each hour. And I remember the big catastrophe was if you went too fast, it would go. And then on the screen, it would, Smokey's on your tail! Oh! Exclamation mark. Sounds like a modern, slightly modern day update of Oregon Trail, which was like, that was, when I was a kid, that was the big text-based adventure game that we would all want to play in computer class. Oregon Trail did have graphics, though.

I guess it did. This was 100% text. I think it, Oregon Trail eventually, it started out as text-based, though. I guess it did. This was 100% text? I think it... Yes. Oregon Trail eventually... It started out as text-based, right? I think. I feel like it did, but when you were describing, I pictured, like, a graphic and then the words

underneath. Yeah, like the first return to Zork. Yeah, exactly. Like the game that the kid in Big is playing. Yeah. Whatever that was. That probably wasn't a real game. Yeah, yeah.

I think it probably was not a real game. So why are you wrapping up these ice skating lessons? She's just done. Like she's advanced a couple of classes. Like she's graduated to a couple of levels and now she's at a level that she's not good enough to do it. Maybe she's reached the point where she would need like natural genius to excel. Either that or she would need to do it more than once a week or maybe she would just need to be a little bit older to like get some of these things down.

But like she is – well, she's already by far the best skater in our family. And to me that seems like that's enough. You don't need to go – we're not going to the Olympics. So you're fine. Like you can already beat us at skating if that's what your goal was. I mean, at the end of the day, even if she's not doing as well as you, as long as she's got a boyfriend with a crowbar, you know what I mean? Right. Well, that we've taken care of in other ways.

I mean, we didn't need to go to the lessons to get that set up. But, yeah, I just – Just hang around where some guys are shooting dice. Really out back of Pickwick is the sure yeah there you go but yeah I mean I think she's just kind of over it like it's as much as uh she loved she only she got interested in it because we went to Lake Placid for vacation last summer and uh and she saw some junior whatever's uh doing their thing and um I know that sounds you're already – Jordan's already fantasizing about what that could have meant.

Yeah. I was thinking about – here's what I was thinking about. Here's the little area that I went to. I was – I noticed on the SyFy network that they were – or maybe it was IFC. They were playing back-to-back all the sequels to the movie Lake Placid. I don't even know that movie. So it's this kind of like – it's one of those early CGI movies like Anaconda that's like a little bit awkward. But they could tell like, hey, we can make a CGI thing.

Yeah, yeah. I remember this now. And Betty White is in it. Oliver Platt is weirdly in it. Anyways, and it's maybe a little bit cooler and wittier than it needs to be. But I guess there were just all these directed DVD sequels of it that they were playing back-to-back on IFC the other day. And when you said that, I wondered, huh, I wonder if those have continuity. I wonder if those are in the same universe or if they're just separate alligator movies. I'm glad that IFC has got its priorities straight.

Sure. It would be one thing if they were playing big money, corporate studio bullshit. But they're sticking to their independent roots with these direct DVD sequels of Blake Blassett. They, look, independent can mean a lot of different things. Sure. And one of them is crappy DVD sequels. Always on, slightly off.

You know what I mean? These are slightly off in the sense that they're a little rancid. They're terrible shows. I have a bit of a bone to pick with them, by the way, because I got sucked into watching Reservoir Dogs on IFC a few weeks ago, and they're like, they make a big deal about, like, completely

uncut, uncensored, unedited. Like, we don't do anything. We don't do anything except speed up the credit sequence so that it fits into a two-hour block. They literally – the iconic slow-mo walking out of the diner thing in the beginning of Reservoir Dogs. They're just walking at a normal speed. It's like faster and the song is faster. Like they couldn't even re-edit that part.

So it was like you've already ruined – like you've blown it. Yeah, just go ahead and – I say put in a new song. Yeah. Another amazing Tarantino song. The man's got the best record collection in the business. Guy's ear is second to none. Yeah.

And you hear – What is that? Is that an old garage rock song? Oh, it's just Baby Elephant Walk. I'm going to the Pickwick tomorrow for the Vintage Textile Show. Oh, my God. What's the Pickwick? I don't think I know what that is.

It is a weird part of Glendale. It's technically Burbank. Is it Burbank? Okay. Where there's just these series of buildings, one of which is an ice rink, one of which is a bowling alley, one of which is like a garden that people get married in, one of which is a multi-use hall. And they're surrounded by horses for some reason, just horses trotting around like that's normal. The Burbank Equestrian Center is across the street. So there's all these barns.

And why wouldn't there be one there in Burbank? Yeah. Well, it's got to be somewhere and that might as well be right on the LA River in Burbank next to the 134.

But yeah, the crazy thing is every time I go there, it's like this land is worth a zillion times more than whatever shit you're doing here with this fucking bowling.

But like it keeps going. Like there's, I don't know, like there's a wedding there every weekend. There's all sorts of people trying to- Vintage textile show? Yeah. That's going to be-

I saw Miranda July there one time. That was fun. Cool. That's all I got. That's all I got on the vintage textile show. But I'll tell you what. Your daughter's skating lessons made me think of something. Yeah. tell you what your daughter's skating lessons made me think of something yeah which is that there's this place called uh the glendale starlight skate or something like that yep a roller rink

yep um and uh they have adult lessons tuesday nights tuesday nights they have adult lessons, and I brought it up with my wife. She was mean about it, I'd say. She didn't – do you want to take the lessons or are you suggesting she take the lessons? Who needs lessons? You both need them or you think – Is it a couples thing? No, I wanted to do it for myself. Just alone? To feel a sense of accomplishment.

Jesse, just put on a pair of roller skates. That is all you need to do. It's not even as hard as ice skating. But they would teach me how to do roller disco moves. I think they would. I can roller skate because I'm not bragging, but I had some pretty sweet rollerblades as a kid. So I can roller skate, I bet, on regular roller skates. I think I've done that at the roller rink, like you rent them.

So you want advanced roller skating lessons. Well, I don't just want to know how to roller skate. I want to know how to do it backwards. I want to know how to do it on one skate with one skate lifter behind me me the hustle you want to do the hustle while you're roller skating yeah or the crouch down with the foot out the front what's that called oh shit yeah that thing where you're down on one foot and your other foot's up in front of you no shit i want to do that bad this is like i think you can do all that stuff if you just go out and try. I want to be able to. You want a professional, though. You want a professional there telling you you don't want to roll an ankle.

I want to teach myself. I want to. That's the thing. I'm an adult man. I'm a member of the middle class. I feel like I've earned the right to pay a professional to teach me skills. You know what I mean? It's like I don't want to have to teach myself QuickBooks.

I want to bring a QuickBook trainer over. He's going to go boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm going to know QuickBooks. That's this but for roller disco. And here's the reason, the real secret reason. Have you ever had to do something in like a group building exercise or in an interview or something like that where someone asks you what your secret talent is oh yeah totally and yeah i have nothing i always

have nothing for that talents really yeah i mean i'm you could say like i'm a i mean you could make an argument that i'm a talented interviewer. Yeah, but that doesn't fly in that situation. They're looking for like yo-yo. I don't know how to do yo-yo. Yo-yo's best case scenario, yeah. Like I'm a pretty fast reader. What can you pull out of your pocket and impress us with right now? Yeah, I can't do

I guess I have good at certain video games, but I'm still embarrassed to say that like in public. Like I'm still embarrassed to say that to a group of adults. It's not 100% accepted in mixed companies. There are certain places where I could say that and it would be fine, but I think, yeah, in those professional contexts people still look at you weird. I think it depends on the

video game. I mean, I think your best bet would be, I've beaten tabletop Ms. Pac-Man. Yeah, right. I've gotten the kill screen. Have you actually? No, I have not. I would like to though. Then stop lying, Jesse. Stop saying I've beaten games that I haven't. Yeah, no, I need something in my life that I can whip out to surprise people with at parties.

Sure, yeah. Besides the obvious. I do. I feel like I can juggle. Can you juggle? I can poorly juggle three balls. And it took me a long time to learn. I mean, I went to theater school.

Like, juggling class was a class I had to take. And there were other people who were, in the same amount of time, they're juggling five, six balls or whatever and knives and rings. Meanwhile, I'm still got the scarves. meanwhile I'm still got the scarves can you can you hold one foot and then jump through the hole that you make with the other absolutely not like an early 90s rap video absolutely

not because you seem like you have the body to do that I can't do double dutch I can't I mean I remember the closest thing I have is that I remember a significant and we've heard it on this program, a significant portion of one of the songs I learned for Afro-Haitian dance class. I learned some, and I remember a little bit of the choreography. I guess something that I realized that's kind of a talent this week, I've been watching the Simpsons Marathon.

I realized I can just name a lot of Troy McClure movies off the top of my head. Let's hear it. Two minus three equals negative fun. The president's neck is missing. Christmas ape. Christmas ape goes to summer camp. Come on. I could do this all day. Nice. It is weird. I turned that on randomly. Gladys the groovy mule. I turned it on randomly and I

haven't watched that probably in ten years. Old ones or new ones. So I turned it on randomly and I haven't watched that probably in 10 years, old ones or new ones. So I turned it on and I was amazed at how much dialogue from a random episode I still knew. Yeah, totally. Just turned it on out of nowhere and I was like, yep, I know this. I know what's happening and I can tell you what they're about to say. That's crazy that I can do that. And it's like a part of my brain that's just been sleeping. Lisa, I'm Genghis Khan.

You'll go where I go. Eat who I eat. Yeah, I feel like I could just recite those chunks too. I mean, there was a period I remember in college, and I don't fault you for this at all, Jordan, but where you and our friend Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather, would watch two hours of The Simpsons every day. Oh, sure, yeah. I think there were two stations that showed, like, syndicated episodes, like 7 to 8, and then, like, later at 10 to 11, we would just watch The Simpsons. Yeah, and, I mean, God bless you for it.

It's not much better than The Simpsons. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's crazy. Like, I don't know if I were 22 now if I would do what I did when I was 22. But when I was 22, we video – VHS recorded every episode of The Simpsons. Oh, I'd like to retcon my entire 20s. I don't think anything I did was correct. Looking back on it.

It was all bad. Yeah, I don't think it was right either. High school too. It seems like there's so many more choices now for entertainment. But when I was that age, I just recorded every episode of the simpsons onto vhs and then watched them all week until the next one was on yeah sure and that's all and like yeah you could tape over it and you would get a little bit of the last episode that you had taped over yeah no i didn't i saved i had like i still have a stack of tapes no cool catalog from like the first

i don't know seven or eight seasons or whatever so So, and like my roommates and I, we all did it. We all did that, like together. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. What, like, because that's what you did before the internet was a viable source of entertainment. You just like, the internet was like, oh, my mom emailed me again. That's what it was to me. Yeah, my dad sent me some blonde jokes.

My dad literally sent me a thing of blonde jokes the other day. Really? Yeah, I think, yeah. My dad started forwarding me things too. And he never did. What's interesting is my dad, I think it's a sign that my dad has started to dot her. Forwarding is the first sign of dementia. Sure.

Like he had never been a forwarder. He had occasionally forwarded something. He would occasionally forward like a poem, but like a real poem, not like an inspirational poem. Like an actual poem or something like that. Like something or like once in a while maybe a political action message of some kind. Sure. But rarely. Now he's starting to send me things that are too uncle-y.

Yeah. Oh, here's the last one. Here's the last one I got from my dad. And I should say without bringing things down too much, I don't talk to my dad a ton anymore. He's like a weird vagabond. He kind of like took off when him and my mom got divorced. And uh yeah and i i don't he calls once in a while but seems to be kind of like drifting and not all there uh but i will occasionally get an email forward from him he

seems to have bought his domain name so his email address is his name at his name.com so he can do that uh but yeah it'll be blonde jokes and the other day he sent a YouTube video, which is the first time I've gotten a YouTube video. And it was shot on a handheld camera and it was these two guys in like polo shirts and slacks and they're in an office. And this – they're just clearly being filmed with an iPhone or something like that. And they like draw on this chalkboard. They're like, OK, all right, young men. Here's what you got to know about women. And it's this graph. And he's like, so here's hot, this bar is hot and this bar is crazy. And here's the only woman you can marry. It's, you know, it's this whole thing about how

the crazy ones are hot and the hot, you know, anyway, and it's just, you know, just super gross, just real misogynistic, not funny. And it was just these two like fat polo shirt guys cackling over, you know, hot women they fucked who turned out to be crazy. And then I went to their like YouTube channel and the rest of it is like automatic weapon tutorials. Like them demonstrating automatic weapons. It's them like out blowing stuff up. And then they have this one video that's just this, you know, finger quotes, lighthearted, fun look at why women are bitches. Anyway. Look, we like to laugh too guys it's not all about automatic weapons armor piercing bullets yeah i feel like

why why bother complaining about the success of youtube personalities when like the most successful thing on the internet like literally the most successful channel on youtube right now is like a malaysian woman that opens uh disney items and you never see her face yeah yeah like a kinder so like a disney kinder surprise yeah i heard about her i actually think i i think i stumbled on that channel because i was like because i was reading an article like here's the this woman is number one and I was like, what is this?

It's crazy. It's not, it's nothing. I think the thing about YouTube is that the only shit that gets super, super popular these days has to appeal to really young kids.

Like, and I think that's who's watching those Malaysian videos. Like kids just like to see a toy and like, oh, something also in that zone that I guess little kids like to watch is videos of like someone with a GoPro on a roller coaster.

I guess those are super popular too. So, yeah, it's weird. I feel like I've complained about this too much on the show. But, you know, just like having jobs for a while, they were like, we want you to write fun, smart comedy for YouTube. I'm like, okay, that's not what people watch on it though. This has to appeal to an eight-year-old. Anyway. Yeah, I mean, like YouTube partly succeeded because it isn't television.

Sure, yeah, exactly. It isn't anything else. It's its own thing. And, like, it's stuff that specifically is not on TV, and it's not on TV for a reason. Right. The reason being you would be put in an insane asylum if your job was to put things on television and you were like, this is what we're going to do.

Yeah. Even the shows that are about putting internet, like YouTube clips on television aren't as crazy as what actually succeeds. Like they're always one step behind. And I think, yeah it in at a tv show where we put youtube clips on tv some of the ones it's so hard to convey how crazy they are because you need to see how long they go on uh yeah anyway yeah there's this guy who reviews he's this guy

you know who's autistic or something like that and he's reviewing like frozen dinners like swanson hungry man frozen dinners and he'll like take you through the brownie and the corn niblets and all this stuff. And then I went to his page. So I was watching a bunch of these frozen food reviews. He's also running for city council in his town. And he also has these videos like these tirades against like the infrastructure and stuff. Anyway, so yeah, that's only crazy if you know all that stuff.

I mean on the plus side, I did recently see a YouTube video and it was like a kidney pool, like a smallish backyard pool. And it probably had – and this is a guess off the top of my head, 35, 40 different dogs in it. Different colors, different shapes, different sizes. Some were swimming. Some were milling around outside. Some were barking. Some weren't barking. Some were playing together.

Some were playing alone. Sounds pretty good. So, I mean, if I was like John Landgraf of FX Networks, you know. I'd take a look at that. I'd say, you know, how could it possibly be worse? I'd give it one of those 10 and 90 deals like they gave to that Kelsey Grammer. Sure, yeah. Martin Lawrence because it's got established stars. Yeah.

Dogs. And kidney pools. America's favorite shape for a pool. Sure. Round. Ha. Straight. Get a load of this. Round. Ha. Straight. Mm-mm.

Get a load of this. Oval with a dip in the middle. So, I mean, what I'm saying is it's not all bad. You know, our colleague at MaximumFun.org, Lindsay, she's like the most enthusiastic about things that people like on the Internet of anyone that I know in real life. She's all about makeup hauls. Oh, sure. Yeah. Haul videos.

Haul vids. She's all about make hauls. And I don't know. It's kind of charming. I don't understand the appeal of it at all. Well, you know what I love about that? Because that kind of overlaps with ASMR videos. You know about that stuff?

Oh, yeah, sure. You're susceptible to ASMR videos, aren't you? I am. I am ASMR positive. You can only ejaculate with Bob Ross's speaking, right? Yeah, that sums up my life. That's my understanding of ASMR. For anyone who doesn't know, this is a thing where people get a kind of pleasurable, non-orgasmic.

Non-sexual, tingly feeling in the back of their scalps. And the tone of Jesse's voice tells you that he does not experience this, nor does he respect anyone who does. I mean, I wish I did. It sounds great. It is great. Given the internet. And they often get it from sort of a hushed, gentle, continuous communication. Yeah.

And sometimes like repetitive sounds. Tapping fingers. Yeah. Like careful, like personal attention, like a guy selling you a suit, which is like, that's the whole thing with Jimmy and Graham Elwood, which we've talked about on Never Not Funny, which is they love a guy who like takes his time to like walk you through the whole process of selling you a suit. When you guys talked about that on Never Not Funny, it explained I had been trying to – maybe Graham Elwood was on Never Not Funny five years ago talking about his experience at the men's warehouse with Jimmy buying a suit and how much he loved this guy at the men's warehouse with jimmy buying a suit and how much he loved this guy at the men's warehouse i'm thinking like people at the men's warehouse are dipshits like everyone at the men's warehouse is an idiot yeah like it's like it's like being helped by a person at the orange jewel it might as well just be a guy from the orange julius that wandered into the men's

warehouse and yeah a guy from the guy from the cell phone kiosk got a bump up. Why do they – and he and Jimmy were bonding over how much they love a guy at a men's warehouse. And then you had an episode five years later. Right. Finally, I figured it out. Yeah, and it's this thing. And Jimmy was like, oh, yes, that's what it is. Yeah, yeah. Yes, that's what it is.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but, you know, but any salesman, like, a certain type of salesman really just, like, like, is, like, zeroes in in a way. Like, I don't like being sold to. I don't like that feeling at all. But, like, I understand what they were talking about with, like, a guy who's just, like, real, like, kind of calm and zen about, like, just, like, every little detail. But anyway, what I was going to say about that stuff like hall videos and asmr videos is it's like i really feel like it's like a sci-fi movie

set in a in the future because you're basically like some of these videos are literally they're all like a lot of them are role play videos and it's like you're pretending that someone is cutting your hair but it's just like they're just they're just cutting i don't know i don't know if they have a wig over the camera like i that's i'd love to see the the shot of like what is actually happening in the room but basically it seems like they put a wig on their camcorder and start trimming it and like it's so crazy one of the types of asmr yes yes hair cutting and shaving those are like huge those are like a big thing and like cranial nerve exams eye exams like these are the things that people go crazy so and i

i i'm not i don't i'm not being flip when i ask this i genuinely want to know okay do people masturbate to this i don't think i was under the impression that that's what these were for no no i like i mean i can tell you that i don't okay it's like it under the impression that that's what these were for. No, no. Like, I mean, I can tell you that I don't. Okay. Because it's like the opposite. It's like. Okay. It's like, not the opposite.

It's like a come down. It's like a mother's love. It's like meditation. You're basically just like, you're kind of just like zoning out. Most people, I think, use them because they have trouble falling asleep. Oh, huh. But like, it's not, yeah, it's just very like – it's just very relaxing basically. But it's – yeah, like but the fucking world of those videos and there's like millions and millions of videos on YouTube right now about – just of this stuff.

And when I see them, I'm like this is really happening. Millions of people are pretending to get their hair cut while sitting at their computer. That is like a fucking crazy Philip K. Dick story. Like what the fuck is that? It's so weird. Do you think it is a result of our modern society or is that just something our brain has wanted all along and now YouTube has found a way to give it to us? I think it's like everything with the internet. It's like a thing that existed naturally.

Sure. us. I think it's like everything with the internet. It's like a thing that existed naturally. And then like the internet has distilled it and delivered it in a, in a like ruthlessly effective way. Sure. Yeah. And, uh, and now it's to AB testing. Right. And so now there's just like a bunch of zombies who like live their lives. I mean, I don't want to disparage people because I, you know, I experienced it. I look at these videos every once in a while. Cause it's like kind of relaxing. But it's crazy to think that there are people who are like – I've seen just on Reddit people saying they're addicted to these things. And it's just a weird thing.

I will say that when I was watching Guy Review's Frozen Dinners, I did for a while leave it on in the background while I did other stuff. There was something about it that was, yeah, whale soundy. Right. But it was just this guy talking about the Salisbury steak and Swanson's frozen hungry man. But you didn't get like a tingling on your scalp. I don't know. I wish I could go back and notice it because I think that's the closest thing I can think to where I've ever enjoyed something like that. Maybe there was a tingle. There could have been a tingling on your scalp. I don't know. I wish I could go back and notice it because I think that's the closest thing I can think to where I've ever enjoyed something like that.

Maybe there was a tingle. There could have been a tingle. I think a lot of people, like when I first heard about this, as soon as I heard it on This American Life and I was like, oh my God,

like as soon as they started explaining it, I was like, what? There's a name for this? I've had this my whole life. And same thing with Jimmy. He was like,

as soon as I started telling him about it, he was like, whoa, what? I can't believe it. Yeah. So it's like I think people who have it are aware of it. They just never thought it was important enough to mention.

Right. Sure. Because it's such a low-level thing. It's not like crazy. Can I give a shout-out to my favorite genre of YouTube video? Please. And by genre, I mean guy. Mm-hmm.

It's John Eats Carrots. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. He's been Eats Carrots. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. He's been a big supporter of ours. Yeah. His YouTube channel is him sitting in front of a webcam, listening to one of his favorite podcasts, and eating baby carrots out of a bag of baby carrots.

Wow. And it lasts as long as the podcast. The audio is not direct. You hear it recorded on the webcam from his computer speakers. It's a little hard to listen along with him. So basically, ideally, you will have listened to the episode already, and now you're just watching. I was actually thinking, I was going one step further, that he had headphones on and you couldn't hear the podcast at all. You just assume that's what he's listening to.

You just hear him chomping for an hour and 20 minutes. No, you can sort of hear it. And I don't know. I find it inspirational. I mean maybe it's just because, like I said, he's been such a big supporter of ours. Sure, yeah. It's nice to see Jordan Jesse go up there. But, yeah, I mean –

Now I'm jealous. Do you guys have a John Eats Carrots? Do you have a guy who has remixed your show in an interesting way? No. Or eaten any kind of who has remixed your show in an interesting way? No. Or eaten any kind of produce while listening to your show? Guys, we don't even have someone who's tattooed our name on their bodies yet. Like, we're that level. Like, every other podcast is like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you should be there. You should be at that. You should be at that level. You should be at that level. I think it's because I have my theories. Part of it is, like, Jimmy's always been like, look, you're the audience. We're the show. You stay over there.

We'll stay over here. Like he's very old school like that. So I think that discourages the people who would get a tattoo of him. They're like, okay, I'm moving on then because I want a relationship with my podcast host. I'm going to pay $50 for Chris Hardwick's autograph at Comic-Con. Right. But, yeah, I mean, what do we have? I'm trying to think.

You know, there's fan art. There's – What kind of fan art? Is it – I might – I can – maybe I'll have a – I'll present a theory too as to maybe why there's no – I mean all the Max Fun tattoos are like of a logo or something, right? They're of a logo to a show or the rocket ship logo, the ice cream logo. We had the ice cream one and we've had some rocket ship ones i guess you guys don't have an iconography i guess like the the the thing yeah the thing you would get to say i'm a never not funny fan would be the jimmy parto face that comes up in itunes when you subscribe so it would have to be a face we've switched logos too many times to have one

thing but yeah and also i'm sure if it was just, you know, like an arrow or a boomerang or something, people would get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We blew it on the branding front a long time ago and never recovered. Did you hear that there's as of recently, there's a Max Fun Rocket on a race car? No. Yeah. Wow. What kind of

race car? Porsche. Is it competing? It's competing. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait, I did see that yeah i did see that i did see that yes i think you posted on facebook or something that's insane i'm really sorry that you've never had a race car dude fuck you we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Retta, Kate Flannery, and more. These ladies will make you laugh so hard you will literally explode. So go to MaximumFun.org or iTunes and download Lady Delady

before it's too late. Wait, where's the music? What happened? My throat hurts. I don't know what to do. Should we just get coffee? Okay. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. The producer, Matt Belknap. Great to have Matt Belknap on the program. Always fun to have him. Cool robot voice. Thank you. Matt had to leave, so his robot is taking his place for this segment. Matt, how do you feel about humans? Do you want to learn how to love from them? Kill all humans. I was worried about that. I was leading with maybe you want us to teach you love, but.

Well, the good news is I've got these spray bottles. So if he comes at us, we can spray him. He'll just rust right up. I think it'll take a long time. If he's coming at us with his saw hands. If we get him with these spray bottles, he'll just rust right up. I'm sorry. I just assumed saw hands.

Matt, what's your primary weapon? Dildos. I'm sorry. I just assumed saw hands. Matt, what's your primary weapon? Dildos. Oh, cool. So, I mean, at least you go out on top. Yeah. Or on the bottom, as it were. Sure. On the end of something.

Razor blade dildos. Ooh, okay. Well, liking it less. Liking it less. I was excited. Now we're getting into Kevin Allison territory. Razor blade eye dildos. Real specific stuff.

Okay. So, Jordan, what have you been up to, pal? Let's see. Today, for the first time. On record. On record. But also, period, I played Ultimate Frisbee. I got an invite to play Ultimate Frisbee.

I've never done it before. As I mentioned, it was hard for two reasons. One, you know, cultural associations with Ultimate Frisbee. Two, Simpsons Marathon is on. And as I was leaving the door, the Stampy episode came on. So good. But, you know, I'm saying yes to life this year, Matt. Good.

I'm saying yes to life. You made the right choice. I'm doing things that I maybe wouldn't normally do. I'll tell you what about Ultimate Frisbee. A fucking blast. It was really fun. They don't call it Ultimate because it's the mediocre Frisbee. Yeah.

Ultimate Frisbee is a very fun game. I mean, I agree with all of the negative things that are said about ultimate frisbee however that positive really stands up oh it is pretty fun and i think i as i was doing it i'm like i hope i think i am i want to be done being a guy who doesn't do something because of the cultural associations i'm like this has been so much fucking fun. Just because I have judged the hell out of people that do this, I would be missing out on this. So I think I – if I ever don't do something based on like the hairdo of the people that do it, I'm the loser in that situation.

You know what, Jordan? Yeah. I'm glad to hear that because I just got us some Rascal Flatts tickets and I was – Let's do it. Let's do it let's do it well you you also kind of look like a guy who would play ultimate frisbee yeah you know that's absolutely true you know that's absolutely true i know where you're coming from because it's like i think i think i'm not but i think to the rest of the world like oh that guy plays ultimate

frisbee you almost have to like over correct is like just so everybody knows i'm not one of those ultimate frisbee playing guys yeah exactly. I think you're absolutely right. If someone sees you, they're like, of course he's playing. Yeah, look at that guy with his hairdo and his fun attitude. You're confirming the stereotype. Yeah. I think you could be an Ultimate Frisbee guy. I know.

I definitely could. And that's what I mean. I relate to his dilemma. But here's the thing. You do have to just embrace fun things. You should be. It's fun. What the fuck is wrong with that?

And everyone was really fucking nice. It was such a nice group. They were fun people. They weren't lame-os. You should be. It's fun. What the fuck is wrong with that? And everyone was really fucking nice. It was such a nice group. They were fun people. They weren't lame-os. They were cool. They were welcoming. There was one dude who definitely – and I kind of like was super upfront like, hey, I've never done this before. You'll have to teach me.

I'm not fit. So just that and hopefully I'm a cool guy and you like my company enough to where you're not mad. And everyone was really nice about it and there was one guy I could tell who was like the ultimate Frisbee guy, super into it. And he – I would throw – and I think the thing I had the most problem with was just throwing a Frisbee straight. Can't really do it. Every time I would throw, I would just go, sorry, sorry, like in advance of the frisbee leaving my hand. Do you do the – like you throw it and it ends up in that high arc that somehow comes

back to you? Oh, yes. Yeah, like sideways. Yes, it turns sideways in the air and then comes back to your head. Yeah, that is a real amateur move. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was me. That's totally me.

But I feel – I kept yelling sorry, but it got more confident. So it started as, oh, sorry. But by the end, I was like, oh, sorry was me. That's totally me. But I feel – I kept yelling sorry but it got more confident. So it started as, oh, sorry. But by the end, I was like, oh, sorry. Yeah. It sounded good. So it sounds like you experienced some real growth in this process. Yeah, exactly. I learned to apologize louder.

There's one guy who I could – you know, was like the guy who like organized this and like this is important to him and he knows strategy and I could tell like, oh, this guy like knows what he's doing. A classic frizz master. A frizz, yeah. King frizz master. A frizz, yeah. King frizz. And he – you know, I feel like I got little looks from him when something wouldn't go well. My initial reaction – come on, you dick. We're just trying to have fun.

Was he on your team? He was on my team. I was on – and I was – to be fair, when I fucked something up, I was blowing it for the team. And I was – to be fair, when I fucked something up, I was blowing it for the team. So – but then I guess I thought to myself like he – and when we scored, he would still kind of come over and high-five me like he had high-fived the rest of the group. And I'm like, you know what? I – dude, you are – I could tell you care about this. There's something deep within you that wants to win Ultimate Frisbee and you're still being pretty nice to me. So you know what?

Thanks. I don't know. By the end, I was touched by this guy who clearly wanted to win but could still muster up the wherewithal to like high-five me and like not do anything more than an eye roll. That's got to be part of the Ultimate Frisbee culture because, I mean, when you're playing Ultimate Frisbee. It's a self-policing game. Yeah, they probably deal with that every single time they play.

Like, there's always some guy who's like, hey, I've never done this. This is not a real thing, right? Yeah, yeah. And they have to go, okay. All right. Yeah, I mean, I imagine. I mean, he was probably once like you. Sure.

I think a significant portion of Ultimate Frisbee is the fact that it's for people who don't do sport. Yeah. It is the non-athletes sport of choice. I've never played it because I'm allergic to patchouli. But anyway. You don't want to get a rash. From the perspective of someone who always wants to win. Yeah.

And is not great at sports but there's some you know on this a variety of levels of ability at a variety of sports but like you know like every year uh my my best friend growing up he and his dad and his brothers who were older than him would have a tackle football game when it rained during the holidays called the Mud Bowl, obviously, for like everyone else's tackle football game, although many of them are flag football games. And I was like 10 years old or whatever. And I was terrible at it, horrified at the prospect of having to participate in this just because this guy was my friend to the point where he was like my brother. And I think there is something for the guy who really cares that is reasonable to ask and something that is unreasonable to ask. I think it's unreasonable to ask that someone be good.

Sure. Especially if, like you, they're up front and they say, I'm not very good at this, just so you guys know. I do think that it's reasonable to ask that if the other people aren't joking around and being like, oh, bum, bum, bum, bum. aren't joking around and being like, oh, bum, bum, bum, bum. You, like, make a face like you, like, feel bad when you messed up and you, like, act like you're trying. Sure. I think playing – everyone playing the game. And I think I did a good job with that. I definitely, you know, throwing was not great for me.

But I think I played the game and I think I excelled. Did you do anything right? You know, here's what I think I did right. There's an element of Ultimate Frisbee that I didn't know was an element, but I really like, and I think I did a pretty good job at, of just smacking it out of the air when it's the other team's fault. So I think I did a lot of good smackdowns. Probably could have intercepted a few of those. I just assumed you were going to say cunnilingus. Yeah, right, yeah.

I'm like, hey, you guys take a break. I'm going to eat all your girlfriend's pussies behind this dumpster. Gross. So, yeah. Yeah. But you're right. I probably – a better player probably could have caught it instead of just hitting it on the ground. But I don't think it matters in Ultimate Frisbee if you catch it or –

Yeah, you can pick it up. But it would have – you know. Oh, I see what you're saying. You can kind of – I mean, if you caught it and you could immediately throw it, get a little momentum, I guess. Yeah, yeah. But yeah. So I feel like I had some good slap downs. Is that an Ultimate Frisbee turn?

Yeah, that's what I call it. Did you try any forehand throws or overhand throws? I did not, no. Now, that's where – the only – I have not played Ultimate Frisbee since I was 13. But at my affluent suburban middle school, Ultimate Frisbee in 1992, 1993, and 1994, Ultimate Frisbee, like Polar Fleeces, was all the rage. The music cue that should have been was, If you want to call me baby,

just go ahead now. Yes, exactly. You know, like this was, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- affluent 13-year-olds were all about Ultimate Frisbee. To a lesser extent, soccer, but mostly Ultimate Frisbee. Any hacky sack?

There was no hacky sack. See, that's the thing. It's not like hippie, dippy-ish. It's like Silicon Valley-y. And not the super nerd. Like a sporty smart guy. Yeah, like a smart guy who's also sporty. It's Stanford-y, not Berkeley-ish. Because at my affluent high school, private high school at the same time, but in Massachusetts, I feel like Ultimate Frisbee and hacky sack and soccer and lacrosse and polar fleeces and tevas they all went together it was all it was

but i but yeah i i was not i i did more of the hacky sacky because that hacky sacky because uh because i played soccer and that was more fun to me so So I was like, if I have to – two roads diverged in a wood and I chose the one more hacky. We did Ultimate Frisbee in PE class, which I'm surprised that you made it through – even in Orange County, I'm surprised you made it through years and years of PE class without ever playing Ultimate Frisbee. Yeah. It would be my guess that the Orange County P.E. staff would have thought that was gay. Just a guess. I don't know. I'm guessing that's the reason for not doing it.

It's the anti-sport. Like anyone whose job is athletic related, they'd be like, no, we're not. This isn't a commune, so we're not going to be playing that shit. Yeah, I guess I had a relatively high number of P teachers whose, like, other big interest was mountain climbing. Yeah, yeah. Right. Like, that's where I'm coming from, too. Like, when I was in—

We just had to run laps, I feel like. That's, like, all we did. That's fun. Yeah, that's nice. Builds character. So, like, did you have any PE teacher or coach in any sport who had a ponytail? No. I'm trying to think.

That's a bit of a stretch. A coach with a ponytail? I don't think I did, yeah. Wow. Did you ever trade dead tapes with your coach? No. The thing that amazed me when I learned how to play ultimate frisbee in PE class was the overhand throw. Not because it's overhand. I mean, you've got to figure

there's a way to throw it forehand, a way to throw it backhand, and a way to throw it overhand just because you'd think there would be. But the overhand one also comes in upside down. It starts out perpendicular to the ground. Oh, sure, yeah.

And then comes in upside down. It's like those guys. Why does it do that? It's like the guys who tuck their bowling balls into their armpit before they throw it. What is that? Yes, exactly. I got a buddy who loves to bowl, and he can fucking do that, and it blows my mind. That's crazy.

It's one of those things that absolutely, like something, it's one of those, physics is in defiance of man's law there. God's law defeats man's law. Does it always go upside down? Yeah. That's the point of it. You can't make it go the other way? No. You can't make it go the other way.

You can do it so – you can do a shitty job so it ends up staying perpendicular to the ground kind of. I don't think I've ever seen – I'm just picturing someone throwing like a ninja star. Is that – that's kind of the motion? You make like – you know the symbol for – You're making the gesture for cunnilingus again. That's what I was about to say. You know the gesture for cunnilingus. If you imagine turning that to the side and holding –

Maybe we should change it to cunnilogist. We've been celebrating analogist for the past month, Matt. Congratulations. If you imagine holding a frisbee with that, or the V for victory sign, if you imagine holding a frisbee with that and then flipping it over your head perpendicular to the ground,

somehow, something about that makes it come to end. Fucking science nerds, don't send me an email explaining this. We do not care why it happens. Makes it come to end. Fucking science nerds, don't send me an email explaining this. I don't. It's not. I'm not asking. We do not care why it happens.

It's not about why it happens. It's just that it's amazing that it does. Just what the fuck is happening. Also, magnets. How do they work? You throw it and it sort of floats down. And it's not that hard to do. I mean, I did it when I was 12 or 13 or whatever.

I don't know if I could step out on a field and do it right this second. But, yeah, it was crazy. Because the forehand is hard. Like, I've tried that. The forehand is kind of difficult. I'm like a 25% of the time correct if I try to do it that way. But I don't see the advantage. I could see the advantage of the overhand.

I don't see the real advantage of the forehand necessarily. What kind of drinks did you have at the Ultimate Frisbee game, Jordan? Just waters. Sunny D, purple stuff. Yeah, purple stuff. Big orange container of orange drink. Can I tell you guys a secret? Yeah. I really loved Spindock. God damn you.

I loved Spindock. I had the Spindock CD. If I weren't dehydrated sitting over here, I would throttle your neck. Well, you are, Matt, you're like six years older than me. No, no. You know what? When they first came out, I kind of liked them too. I never bought the album or anything.

Guys, we should be getting this in here. Should we start? We only had a giant orange container of orange drink. Oh, okay. We only had a giant orange container of orange drink. Oh, okay. Jesse, how does that make you feel, that scatting? I love Spin Doctors.

Wait, loved. Loved. No. Too late. You want to marry them. Do you guys know anything about the Spin Doctors' career? I guess I just know that song. Do you know what they were and what they became after? I remember when they came out.

I was in high school, and I assumed that like every other group that came out in 1992 or whatever year it was, that they were a college rock indie group who caught lightning in a bottle. Yeah. But the Spin Doctors still exist and have- I believe it. Have recorded consistently ever since. You seem to know a lot about these Spin Doctors, Jesse. Well, because here's why I know. Because I was watching TV not long ago.

I'm going to put it at nine months ago. And the Spin Doctors were on Conan. Really? What? Wow. I was like, what? Not just playing Two Princes? No, they were playing a new song.

They weren't even playing Little Miss Can't Be Wrong. Oh, that is their other one. Yeah, that preceded Two Princes. That is their other one. I feel like they had three. I feel like there was three. There was Little Miss Can't Be Wrong, and then there was Two Princes. Wasn't there an album that was just scatting?

There was Little Miss Can't Be Wrong and then there was Two Princes. Wasn't there an album that was just scatting? Something I learned that really blew my mind is that the guy from Spin Doctors put on Diggable Planets, which I had no idea as a kid. I also loved the shit out of Diggable Planets and actually still love the shit out of Diggable Planets. But that checks out. Everything you're saying checks out. Like he their first demo with uh ishmael butler i don't remember if we left that in our interview but that kind of blew my mind i was like wait the dude from spin doctors that's crazy that's like finding out that sir mix a lot was producing like folk music in seattle like 10 or 15 years ago remember Remember that? He was just like doing every... It was like, what?

You're a Sir Mix-a-Lot. You shouldn't have to fuck with this. It made me angry. You feel the same way. You feel like the Spin Doctors guy shouldn't have had to... Is that what you're saying? I'm disappointed that Diggable Plant has needed his help. They should not have had to turn

to him. That's humiliating for them. I may have had the Spin Doctors album that came after the Spin Doctors album. I may have had – I definitely had the Arrested Development album, Zingala Maduni, that came after 12 years, 7 days, 6 months, and 4 hours in the life of or whatever it was called. Oh, man. You should have just went with that because I was about to give you credit for knowing the exact right things. Well, I got Zingala Maduni. That's pretty solid. Yeah, but those are real words.

Yeah, but real words in Swahili. Look, we all have our Zingala Duini. I'm going to repeat it. I have 90 Troy McClure movies. Okay, look, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, my name's Dave. And my name's Grail. Now, what do we have to do to put you in a brand new podcast today?

Yeah, what do you want me to drink bleach? I'll do it. Yeah, Dave will drink bleach. If that's what it takes to get you to listen to Stop Podcasting Yourself on MaximumFun.org. Don't make Dave drink bleach. Just listen to the show. He will, but don't make him. Stop podcasting yourself.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, The robot got real realistic and I got real scared because I thought he could pull the wool over our eyes. But now that you've given me your word that it's you and not the robot. Totally me. Can I take a look at your weapon? Totally Matt. Is that your Disney Channel show? Matt, I don't remember you having razor dildo hands. Oh, these are just gloves that I wear sometimes because my fingers are very sensitive. Oh, sensitive fingers.

Sure. Yeah. Can I recommend you put some Burt's Bees on there? Oh, well, the inside of the gloves have that. They have actually built-in moisturizers that are constantly squirting out moisturizer onto my fingers. Is it brand name or? Well, I have to fill them.

It's just whatever I put in there. You know, sometimes it's Clinique. Clinique. It depends. I mean, whatever, you know, whatever I have to fill them. It's just whatever I put in there. You know, sometimes it's Clinique. Sometimes it's Kiehl's. It depends. I mean, whatever, you know, whatever I have. Whatever you've seen on the latest, hottest makeup haul videos. Right. Whatever gets my temple buzzing.

When something momentous happens to you, we have you call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. The telephone number, if something momentous is happening to you right this very moment, is 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. If it's not happening right now, here's a tip. Open up your fucking phone. Type in that fucking phone number. And then you'll have it for when shit goes down and don't send me a tweet four months later that says, oh,

such and such happened to me and I was totally going to call it into momentous occasions, but then I didn't. Fuck you. Call it in. Put it in your phone now. Who's this character, by the way?

Put it in your phone. Fuck you. This is like belligerent Seinfeld. What is the deal with fucking phones? Why the fuck can't you use them? It's like Kinnison was reincarnated. He dies and his soul goes into Seinfeld's body. Can anyone explain Venetian blinds?

206-984-4FUN is the number to put in your phone. Let's hear the first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and presumably guest. This is Chris calling from Boston with a moment's occasion, possibly a moment of shame as well. So I was on the train just now, and I would pull up to the stop, and I see a very good looking woman on the platform. So naturally I take attention to it and she's wearing a skirt, a very short skirt,

and the wind blows and I notice that she's not wearing any underwear and also she has a penis. And I was a little ashamed that I thought she was kind of attractive she or he I'm not quite sure I thought you'd like to know thanks bye this one's really complicated yeah there's a lot to unpack here

hey dude don't be ashamed that's cool sometimes there's a lot of attractive trans people out there yeah that's number one let's start there that's fine you can be. Let's start there. That's fine. You can be attracted to whoever you want.

Sure. As long as they can give consent, you can be... Sure. ...attracted to them. No children, no animals. Nah. That's my rule. But, yeah, sure.

A nice adult. Ooh, I like adults. I don't know about you guys. Do you? I like fucking a nice adult. Oh, boy. Mm-hmm. If there's any adults out there listening.

Even that sounds gross when you say it. Hey, adults. I don't like sexy Jordan. I don't like all the talk. Are you sure, Matt? That thing earlier. Come on, we're both adults. Why don't we go behind the dumpster and I'll teach you about cunnilingus?

Yeah, man. Just enjoy the fact that you saw a good-looking person. What was really going to happen? I mean, that's the thing. You also, here's the other thing. What you're actually feeling shame about, I mean, besides all this cultural baggage that you're carrying, is that you got caught engaging in the male gaze. Oh, sure. Yeah.

Your male gaze just got called out by a gust of wind and the decision not to wear underwear. I think this person is walking around. It's like he or she walking bear trap, basically, for the male gaze. Like, I'm going to catch you and I'm going to put you in your place with my dick. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Could be a male gaze bear trap.

I think I – I mean I've definitely had that thing happen a lot to where you are. The skirt blowing up. My skirt blows up and reveals my penis. When I met the caper toss. Yeah. But you're like – you see an attractive person and you notice them. You're like, oh, I think this person is a trans person or they're a drag queen or they're something, something, something. A pretty dude.

Yeah, just a pretty dude. Yeah, or they're Jared Leto. It happens. Athleto. It happens. But yeah, I mean, thinking like, okay, well, you see, of all the people you ogle on the street, how many of those do you have sex with? Basically none. Right.

So just because you were ogling someone doesn't mean you have to do it with them. Just because you do it with somebody doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that. Sure. Ogle, do it. It's all good. Well, if he's not attracted to penises or he doesn't want to be involved in a penis, that's also okay. Yeah, totally fine. You can be like,

oh, okay, well, there you go. That's not for me. And also don't ogle people. I'm using ogling in a joking way. Don't. Also don't pronounce it ogling because it's ogling. Is it ogling? I always say ogling. Say ogle. It's probably both. Well, let's? I always say ogling. Say ogle. It's probably both ogling. Well, let's call the whole thing off.

Skirt blows up. Can I tell you? What do you say? Don't just sit on the sidelines of this ogling, ogling thing. Sound off. I want to hear what Kinna Seinfeld has to say about it. I say ogling, but if I was going to guess, I would guess that it's one of those either way. Both are okay.

I agree. I'm absolutely sure you're right. My son and I went on an adventure this morning. We took the train to Grand Park in downtown Los Angeles and And he played in the giant water pool. Splash pad. Splash pad. There you go. And I was holding him, you know, like on my hip

as we were ordering lunch at Philippe's Original, the legendary French dip restaurant. And we were waiting in line. And I blew on the side of his face. And I said, hey, I love you, buddy. We were waiting in line and I blew on the side of his face and I said, hey, I love you, buddy. And he blew on my face and said, I love you too, dad. We're blowing each other.

From the mouths of babes. Look, don't blow on your children. That's weird. No, it's fun. You can love your children and express it and do it, but I would find that annoying, frankly, to have someone blow on me. Yeah.

I'm just thinking of like when you blow in a cat's face and it like scrunches back. Does any living thing really like that? Apparently your son does. My son also said one other amazing thing this weekend. Look, I promise not to make this program kids say the darndest things, but he is right in the meat of – Yeah, this is prime kids say territory. Three years old, you're going to get a lot in the next year.

Yeah. Matt, when do they stop saying stuff? Jimmy and I were literally just talking about this on this week's episode of Never Not Funny, the one with Laurie Kilmartin that goes up. I don't know when this comes out, but that one comes out tomorrow. But it's basically five to six. By the time they turn six, they're just people talking and they might say something. Boring. They might say something that's – they'll definitely say funny things, but it's not funny accidentally anymore.

So it's different and and you kind of you kind of mourn the loss of that that phase and okay can't you just fuck up more can't you just slightly misunderstand the world a little bit more what i was telling jimmy and laurie was that there's one thing that zoe still says that i have preserved in in any metaphorical amber by not correcting her ever and no no one at least doesn't correct her. My wife. So like and what she says is we were driving to the Dodgers game and she said, Dad, who are they versing? No, that's cute.

I hope that never stops. Simon. Simon and my wife, Teresa, were reading a book last night called Anansi, which is a book about a trickster spider, an African trickster spider. And at one point in this book, he is picked up and attacked by a character named Falcon. Falcon is a bird. And Simon has gotten really into Falcon, despite his one-page appearance in this book. Simon has gotten really into Falcon despite his one-page appearance in this book.

And so he asked Teresa if they could get a coloring book of Falcon. And Teresa was like, I don't know. I guess we could keep an eye out for one of those, which is what she says when she needs to deflect a question like that without saying no because we're trying to get him settled into bed. And then he agreed, and this is a direct quote from him as I wrote it down. He said, maybe a coloring book truck would be carrying some of those guys. Just flag it down when you see it. Oh, hey, coloring book truck would be carrying some of those guys. Just flag it down when you see it. Oh, hey, coloring book truck. You got any of these guys?

Falcons. Falcon coloring books. Yeah. This sounds like the beginning of a great heist. You need a demolitions expert, a sexy ninja. A coloring book truck. Yeah. And all the crayons you could find.

Let's hear the next call. Hey, Jordan and Jesse and guests. This is Kent at Denver. I'm at a red light driving home. It's 1219 a.m. And I just stopped in front of a 7-Eleven at a red light. And there is a woman. She seems to be about 300 pounds

she's completely naked and she's doing that sumo wrestler moves she's moving back and forth from one foot to the other and slapping herself on the knees and she's naked in a 7-Eleven parking lot

and she's momentous. Don't know what that's about. Bye-bye. This is the second call we've had in this month where some fucking shit is going down in a 7-Eleven parking lot. I mean, it makes sense. That's where all the weirdest shit is, basically.

That's where all the weirdest shit is basically. I mean my feeling about this call is it is somewhat momentous to see an enormous woman naked doing sumo wrestler moves. To see it in a 7-Eleven parking lot is the opposite of momentous. That's commonplace. That's exactly where you would expect to see. Call us when it's a Circle K or an AM PM. Like look, if it's at Bloomingdale's, you know what I mean? Saks Fifth. It is amazing how – I mean, it's probably just because there are more 7-Elevens.

But if you go into an AMPM or a Circle K, basically nothing weird is happening. But in any given 7-Eleven, there's usually someone who, yeah, who looks like they're about to do something like this. Does 7-Eleven sell tortilla chips with cheese inside now? Yeah. It's like a Doritos stuffers or something. It's basically like a – Stuffers.

It's like a thing that they – I think it has to be cooked on one of their – Patented. Rotating. Warm cylinders. Hot metal sticks thing. Yeah. I don't know how they do triangular things on that. But they do – or maybe they just microwave them.

I don't know. But yeah, it's like a Doritos branded heated up disgusting thing at 7-Eleven now. 7-Eleven is just a real fuck you to people. You know, like, all I want is a fucking soda. You know, can I just get a soda

for a regular price? You know what I mean? Go to the fountain. The fountain's not so bad. Yeah, but then I have a 75-ounce soda. Even a small soda at 7-Eleven is like a 30. Get a Lil' Gulp. A Lil' Gulp? Yeah.

You know what I would forgive 7-Eleven? What it would take for me to forgive 7-Eleven? If they dump Slurpees and put in Icy's. If they had Icy's instead of Slurpees at 7-Eleven, I would let all the other shit. I hear they're talking to the slush puppy people. See, I'm a slush puppy guy from way back. I like a slush puppy. Thank you.

That to me is like clearly the superior sugar ice drink. Can you describe to me what is superior about a slush puppy? Well, the method of creation is different. I don't know if that's why it's better. But I think ritualistically it is kind of why I like it better is because it's a process. It's not just a churning fucking – yeah. It doesn't look like something that a Batman villain would fall into and die. The flavors are little squirt bottles, almost like a soap dispenser.

And it's the dog's hat, right? Oh, I don't know about that. I think it's coming out of the dog's hat. I could be wrong. The slush or the— The syrup. See, the syrup, at least the one that I've been to recently, there's all different flavors and they're just regular squirt things.

You know, maybe we had a home slush puppy maker. Oh, I think that's what you're talking about. Yes, I remember that. That came out of the dog's hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa. You had a home slush puppy maker? I think we might have had a home slush puppy machine.

That's pretty – yeah, that sounds – I don't think – I never had it, but I think I remember. It may have come out of the dog's hat. That might explain why you think small kitchen appliances are unnecessary. Yeah. Like, listen, it's just a – You just had an ice shaver. It's just toasters.

I just don't have a toaster. I have a reasonable life. How do you make toast? I don't. I don't make toast at home. If I make a grilled cheese, I make it in a frying pan. What do you use your toaster for? Bagels, toast. Well, how often do a toaster i have a toaster oven i'm

sorry i'm sorry matt i'm sorry i lashed out i'm bringing some previous baggage into this conversation i was torn asunder a few years ago for not having a toaster it was alluded to that i'm some sort of loser because i don't have a toaster. Wait, who tore? This guy? No. Well, I mean, Jesse participated and he keeps poking my wound. But a listener. Who was having fun. I think, like, not to bring it back to kids.

No, no, no, no. But like, you know. They're fucking miracles. They're beautiful and your life changes forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I do want to hear the adorable things your new Frisbee has been saying. You know, we make little chicken nuggets and things in the toaster oven.

It feels like a necessary thing when you have kids. Okay. I get that. I don't really make anything for – I guess I make the occasional piece of toast. A toaster oven is useful. I think a toaster oven is – Yeah, I don't have a pop out. If Jordan – I don't think you're

a... I don't think you're some sort of wasteful you know, Johnny buy-in for having a toaster oven. I just thought you were going through some PTSD. Yeah, I clearly am. I haven't been in your kitchen. Is there room for a slush puppy machine right now? Like if a couple people went in on it?

No, I mean, I'm pretty counter-spaced. Don't have a lot of counter-space. Now, what went in on it? No, I mean, I'm pretty counter space. Don't have a lot of counter space. Now, what about in your bedroom? Oh, yeah, definitely. Bedside? Yeah. A little slush puppy machine before you go to bed?

Next to your, like right to the right of your shower head? Would that be? Oh, yeah. I could spray it right in my mouth. And how about if one of your fans decides to get a tattoo of you drinking a slush puppy? Is that something that's going to happen? Because you guys just have so many great fans. They're always tattooing everything all over themselves.

I don't know if Jordan is— Our insecurities are rearing their ugly heads. Jordan, would you consider yourself a slush puppy partisan? It's been a while since I've had a slush puppy. I think I remember them as, like, treats we got when we went to visit my family in the south. I don't think we had a local slush puppy. It's weird. Like I don't think – because like I didn't have 7-Eleven around me when I was a kid.

So like I didn't have Slurpees really until I was older. But like the local like market had a slush puppy at the register at the Mountain Machine. And so like what I was saying about the ritual is like they take the cup. They squirt the flavor you want into it, one spritz for small, two spritz for medium, blah, blah, blah. And then just the pure sugar ice comes out of a thing separate and then those mix and create the slush puppy. And I just – I don't know.

Something about that just seemed a little more special than just like, here's the machine. It never turns off. It never stops churning. But the Icy is soft and effervescent. That's what's special about the Icy. It's not just a block of broken up little shards of ice. It's a smooth flavor experience.

I'm going to have to take you to my slush puppy guy. Okay. He'll set you up. Because I think to take you to my slush puppy guy. Okay. He'll set you up. Because I think that holds true for the slush puppy, too. I'm not against icy. Can I ask you a question? Yeah.

Do you just love the slush puppies for ESMR reasons? ASMR. Yes. When I see someone making it, it makes my head tickle. For ESL reasons. For English as a second language reasons.

I love having someone who mostly speaks Spanish make a slush puppy for me. If something momentous happens to you, make sure and call us, 206-9844-FUN. If you want to email us, it's jjgoe at maximumfun.org. And if you want to sponsor Jordan and Jesse Goe, email Teresa at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's favorite smug, arrogant asshole. Jordan Morris, another guy.

Matt Belknap, slush puppy. You know what the problem is with that nickname that I just used? Far from America's favorite. A prominent. That'd be probably what, like maybe Charles Barkley or something. Do you really feel like he's not arrogant? He's smug. That's true.

He's arrogant. He's not smug. Yeah, that's true. He's got two down home. Who is the smug arrogant? I mean do you mean favorite as in like the one people love to hate the most or like he's like the least annoying of those people? I guess there's like Donald Trump. Right. Yeah, that's a good one.

People love to hate him and for good reason. But he is definitely – Gene Simmons. Sure. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Gene Simmons is probably a pretty good one.

Good choices. I'm glad to be in this company. Are you considering buying an arena football team? I actually have an arena football team. But I traded it away because I needed a really good ball peen hammer. So I traded it for a real nice ball peen hammer. I thought you were going to say you wanted to get into Hi-Li. No.

If I had to have gone to the store, I mean $24.95 for this hammer. Okay. So I didn't want to drop $25 on a ball peen hammer, so I traded my arena football team for it. Were you called smug recently? I've been called smug many times many many times um yeah you know it's okay it's okay it bothers you though yeah because you could you could stop being so smug if it really upsets you, just be different. I think something – I mean along the lines with my toaster diatribe, it's hard because you cannot control how others perceive you. It's true.

Yeah, I know. And then when that comes rocketing back at you. You can obsess over how people perceive you. Oh, sure, yeah. That's definitely something. That's what the internet is for. Yeah, the internet has a great, is a great tool for that. I mean, I bet a lot of people

come at you, Matt, for being so nice. I don't know. I don't know what I am. Like, I think I don't, because we were just off air talking about other people. And, like,

I feel like sometimes I come off as being cold and whatever, but I don't know. Maybe I don't. I don't know if I do. I don't know how I come off as being cold and whatever, but I don't know. Maybe I don't. I don't know if I do. I don't know how I come off. Well, I think you are – because your public persona is in the context of Jimmy Pardo, you get to be a regular Joe while Jimmy Pardo goes around being Jimmy Pardo.

Yeah, he is trapped in that cell. So like maybe if you were still doing AST Radio, your legendary original podcast, maybe you would seem cold and distant or something like that. But number one, you're not especially cold and distant. No, I don't think I am. I think I'm very average on every level, including cold and distant. But that voice. Oh, that voice. I'm feeling something in the back of my head.

Matt, can you describe the most recent hungry man dinner you've eaten? Well, it was turkey with gravy. Did the corn get into the brownie? Why aren't you making DSMR videos? Are you going to go through every fucking letter except the right one? Is that what this show is about? Sorry, DMSR. Dance, music, sex, romance.

Yeah. remains yeah um i've honestly to be totally real with you i've seriously considered getting into like starting producing this is this is trademark don't fucking steal this especially you you have a podcast network right i've seriously considered making an asmr podcast but i don't want to be the guy doing it the sound of like a waiter recommending like the specials. Yeah. Well, I just think it would be interesting. I like – for whatever reason, I like doing – like I like trying to think of things that haven't been done and then trying to do it in a way that people would actually like it. Like I think that's kind of an interesting challenge. I have yet to succeed at doing that. I've never achieved that goal, but I like thinking about it sometimes.

I've never achieved that goal, but I like thinking about it sometimes. Well, you had the jack flapper, the device that you invented to try and help people flip over their flapjacks. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's a moderate success. I think, well, it's a sore subject because that fucking asshole. You traded it for that ball peen. Yeah.

That guy fleeced me. But I don't know if you remember season one of Never Not Funny. I talked about my dream of making what I call burgerza, which is – You've talked about this on every season of Never Not Funny. And I probably have talked about it every time I've been here because it's a passion of mine. I want a burger in the size and shape of a pizza. And then you cut it like a pizza. You serve slices. It's a communal experience like pizza is but with burgers or one gigantic burger.

Maybe – I'm sorry. We're trying to wrap up the show. I know this is a whole new topic. Yeah. But it seems like burger toppings are harder to agree on than pizza toppings but that's what's great about it if you can all come together okay then it's like and also you can do half and half that's there's nothing there's no problem you can have relish on one side and onions on the other that's fine but like so i only brought this up because then

you know uh burger king ended up market testing this basic idea they didn't make it as large as you would have liked as my vision what are you talking about 18 inches i'm picturing like you know those big mamas and papas like where they have two guys carrying it in as big as mama cass as big in diameter as mama cass's waist yes that's my vision no i i really i honestly thought like i don't know 12 or 14 inches they were making them in diameter as mama Cass's waist. Yes. That's my vision. No, I really, I honestly thought like, I don't know, 12 or 14 inches. They were making them like almost personal pan pizza size, which I was like, that's not even, that's just a fucking cheeseburger.

Like you didn't do anything. Yeah, big cheeseburger. You just cut a cheeseburger in sixths. Right. Sixths. Sounds like you're... Sixths. But you're worried that the fast food industry has looked at this failure and said this – the pizza's – I'm not worried. I'm thrilled because it means the fucking field is wide open for me to come in. Yeah, sure.

The thing is it's going to take specific equipment. And I think what's keeping people from doing it is like you basically have to make a new kind of griddle and a new kind of oven for the bun. Like you're going to have to custom bake all these buns because the bun has to be 14 inches wide in diameter. That's kind of a big bun. So – and you guys know I like big buns. Sure. Yeah. So I think –

Matt, quick question. Yeah. How does your anaconda feel about this? Well, I think it's safe to say it doesn't want none. Yeah. Unless it's got buns, hon. Shout out to Nicki Minaj for resurrecting that great beat. It's six years.

So it's like six, 14 inches. Yeah. Yeah. Somewhere in there. Like a medium or medium pizza. What style of patty are we talking about? It would have to be pretty thin. I don't want it to be one of those big – it's going to be unwieldy as it is.

So it has to be on the thinner side. So you're thinking maybe like an in-and-out shake shack type? Yes. Like a griddle cook? Thin. Yeah. Are we going to frame boil it? Yeah.

We're going to frame this motherfucker. That's how great it's going to be. We're going to put it on the wall. Once you frame boil it, you're all set. No, no. It's going to frame boil it? Yeah, we're going to frame this motherfucker. That's how great it's going to be. We're going to put it on the wall. Once you frame boil it, you're all set. No, no. It's going to be griddle. By the way, I'm Chris Fairbanks. My other vision was to – when Benihana inevitably goes out of business, I want to buy all of the Benihanas and turn that into breakfast restaurants where they make pancakes and eggs at your table for you. Oh, cool.

Because I think that's amazing. I love breakfast restaurants and I love breakfast and I love the experience of having someone make something in front of me. So I've already want to do that too. And then I was thinking you could do that. That would be a great surface to make a burger za on.

And then you just have to put a pizza oven underneath the table so that you're making the bun at the same time. Are you a Benihana's enthusiast? I think I've been there once in my life. I've never been to a Benihana's, but I know a guy, Seth Olenek, who was the photographer on our cruise and who did a wonderful book of photographs of comics. wonderful book of photographs of comics. And Seth is such a Benihana's enthusiast that he has gotten certified as a Benihana's cooker, which apparently is like a level of Benihana's enthusiasm that Benihana's offers.

I didn't know that was possible. They can teach you to do Benihana's tricks. Wow. So that you can have a party at Benihana's where you do the show. Oh, my God. I have the same thing with Shakey's. I am licensed to bring out a steam tray filled with Mojo potatoes. You're licensed to cry.

Yeah. If I may be so bold. Licensed to host a Mexican birthday party. You're fully certified to go into the meat locker and smoke a jet. Are you allowed to... They play Cruisin' USA. Are you allowed to turn on the heat lamps

so that the pizza can sit out all day? No, no, that's a different guy. I don't have that license. Yeah, that is high-level shit. If I may be so bold, Jesse, can I say, fuck your roller derby dream

and make this your new thing. become the benihana's guy so that when you go to whatever fucking seminar you're going to when they go well what's your thing you can go well i am certified to cook at benihana's that's amazing yeah i know seth already did it but i have to say he's in new york you can be the west coast guy who does it i've never been to a benihana's before um and i had always they were on my shit list for being a dumb thing that i would never want to do but as soon as i heard you like the boy right simpsons quote yeah we like roy seniors in the back as soon as i heard this out of seth's mouth i thought oh yeah that's rock solid seth man like that is it's fucking

great that is pretty good like i would i'm trying to think of other restaurants that i would want to Oh. Yeah, that's rock solid, Seth. It's fucking great. That is pretty good. I'm trying to think of other restaurants that I would want to get certified at, like Ed DeBevix maybe. Being rude while delivering a milkshake. I want to be certified in being mean to people. What's the other one of those? Dick's Last Resort? Yeah.

Wait, is that a restaurant? I thought that was a comedy club. I think it's a restaurant where they're mean to you i could be wrong okay yeah well definitely at the bevics i don't know what if those exist anymore there's racist hot dogs in chicago yeah i think racist hot dogs closed oh yeah it did wiener factory that's true yeah it did it had to be recently didn't it i feel like it was relatively recent yeah i mean it was in the hit film whatever that fucking movie with fitzpawn was called that shit what was that called i don't know um racist hot dogs no was it the one where he said a lot of different stuff he talked fast

and seemed very funny uh it was the dilemma america's favorite smug asshole fitzpawn right we found it you know what though that is although that is correct because not not currently at one point

he is very lovable and yet he is undeniably yeah and I think the man is smug and an asshole

in addition to the characters he plays do you think Joel McHale qualifies he definitely qualifies on the smug asshole part I will say this

I've met Joel Mcckale in real life not trying to brag it's just the truth look i'm a pretty smug about this but uh i met joel mckale and he was very sweet uh he was a very sweet guy and not an asshole at all however his persona certainly is that of a smug asshole, and he's been quite successful at it. He has two successful television programs. But I guess he's no Vince Vaughn. Yeah, Vince Vaughn, he isn't –

is smug really the right word? It's kind of like – Right, because he's not high class. I guess maybe some of those – I guess maybe the guy in Swingers or something. Do you think if we gave Vince Vaughn an NPR show, we could tilt the balance? Yes. Yeah, that'd do it. That's all

the juice he needs. You know, there you go. Ira Glass is probably America's real favorite smug asshole. We weren't originally saying asshole, right? But he's modest. Yeah, but he's too modest to be smug. His stuttering is – Ira Glass never holds himself above anybody.

Yeah. I think he does it without even saying it. That's his – that is his genius. I love This American Life. I'm not trying to take him down at all. I just think there is something inherently smug about every NPR host, including you. I just want to say I hate this American life. I hate Ira Glass.

That guy can go fucking suck a lemon as far as I'm concerned. If I saw Ira Glass right now, I'd kick him square in the nards. Being a successful NPR host, which is what you're on the path to achieving, if you haven't already, you're probably more than two-thirds of the way there. You have an NPR show, which is incredible, and it is gaining success. Just having a show on NPR already qualifies you for this category. You don't have to be anything or do anything. Any personality type will qualify you just because of what you're doing for a living. What if you're just a down-home regular Joe like Scott Simon?

Sure. Yeah, you have to be – I think if you have an NPR show, you have to be just so fucking chill. You have to be so chill just to counteract that. The only guys who didn't – and they went the other direction, click and clack. Oh, sure. Yeah. There you go. Those are the only guys that don't come off as smug.

They come off as a lot of other things. Okay, we've talked a lot about smug assholes. We are wrapping up the program. Matt Belknap is our pal. He's the co-host of Never Not Funny. He's also the co-owner of AST Records, which has lots of great – what are the new hot releases on AST Records, Matt? What do we got?

We got, uh, Nate, Nate Fridson. That's a great album. Uh, you might've seen him open for the Sklar brothers. If you ever go see those guys, he's amazing.

Um, let's see, Dan St. Jermaine, Max Silvestri, um, probably forgetting a bunch of others, but we upcoming in the next,

uh, I don't know, six months or so, we're going to have an album from Bob Odenkirk. Hey, cool. Pretty awesome. Very excited about that. And Andy Kindler's first actual CD. Great. So that's really

exciting too. I love Andy Kindler so much. Me too. I could watch Andy Kindler around for a three hour set. You weren't at the taping, were you? No. This, Jesus, this taping was, by the way, in true Andy Kindler fashion, it will be over a year since the taping by the time the album comes out. But the taping was like last December. And it was – we did two shows, but both were great.

But the second one was phenomenal. So great. So exciting. I couldn't be more excited about this Andy Kindler business because you couldn't find a bigger Andy Kimbler fan in America than I. Yeah. He hits the sweet spot. And, of course, Matt is the host of Never Not Funny, which is available in your iTunes or your podcast or whatever it is. And I'm glad to say I have been a listener since episode one.

Listen every week. I'm a member of the club where you pay them money to listen to the show. Which you don't have to do anymore, but you can get another episode every week if you do that. And you get video if you want to watch the show instead of listen. I listen to their show twice a week, me and Dave Shumka from Stop Podcasting Yourself. Celebrity fans. Paying celebrity fans. Yeah, Paying Celebrity Fans. Yeah, you guys are up there.

You and Craig Bjerko. Ah, Bjerko. Those are our three celebrity fans. I love the show. I recommend it to everyone out there. And I guess that's about it for this week's program. On the boards this week, Jennifer. Thank you, Jennifer.

In England, but coming back. On his way back, our friend Sonny D., Brian Fernandez. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records. Next week's program will be prerecorded, but all new, featuring Jordan and Jordan and I because Jordan, next week you are going to Burning Man. Yep. I am. So we're going to find out what that's like. Bring your Frisbee.

Do you think anybody will be playing Ultimate Frisbee at Burning Man? Do you think my new skill will become useful? It'll be – but it'll be a Frisbee made out of human flesh or something. It has to be. Pure drugs. Hashtag JJ Go if you're on Twitter. A lot of action

on the Facebook group lately. A lot of nice likes. Want to know something cool that Jordan's up to or something, you know, get on that Facebook group. And,

of course, there's the forum and Reddit, forum.maximumfun.org and reddit.com slash r slash maximum fun where there is tons of discussion. On a given week on Reddit, forum.maximumfun.org and reddit.com slash r slash maximumfun where there is tons of discussion. On a given week on Reddit, 60 posts. What?

Talking about this show. 50 posts, 40 posts. You know, God bless them. A number of posts. Dozens on our forum. We're full of red hot topics. That's why. We touch a nerve, Matt.

I hear you, man. You know, Never Not Funny was kind of dormant on Reddit, but someone just resurrected their subreddit. Oh, cool. So if you like Never Not Funny and you didn't realize that people are talking about that on Reddit, go check us out. So you're coming on my show to plug your social media outlets? Yeah. You want to go ahead and plug your Pinterest? That one needs a lot of help. Do you want to mention your Pinterest, Matt Do you want to go ahead and plug your Pinterest? That one needs a lot of help.

Do you want to mention your Pinterest, Matt? Do you want to go ahead and mention your Pinterest? What's going on on your imager? Oh, crazy GIFs, man. Crazy GIFs all day. What do you got on Tumblr? You want to tell me something about what's happening on your... Shit, I ran out.

I had one in my head, but I forgot it. Snapchat. Yeah, what are you guys Snapchatting over there? Oh, just, you know. They're never not funny. What's your Instagram? It's instant, man. What's, well, you want to give out Pat Francis' Twitter handle?

Sure. It's at BatmanPFT. That's his email. His Twitter is Pat underscore Francis, at pat underscore Francis. Hit him up. Okay. We'll talk to you guys next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye.

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