Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 342: Ham Hynasty with Susan Orlean

Episode Date: September 15, 2014

New Yorker staff writer Susan Orlean joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of pitcher cocktails, overgrooming, and the modern day tukey leg craze. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I feel obliged to mention at the top of this week's program, just right off the top, that our producer Brian is operating the studio door like a bellows right now. He's pumping cool air into the studio. This box, which is typically...

I think we're trying to light the coals that are in the middle of the room. We're trying to get this engine started. Have you ever thought about maybe putting a little coal pit in here and just making it a schvitz? That actually is not a bad idea, just a couple rocks yeah maybe that can be i mean you know we're always you know a problem that we run into a lot with this show is that you know there's no it's hard to explain it's like right you know we have a hard time with theme like telling people what the theme of the show is and if it was just like a fun conversation mid I mean, do you think that's a little better

for branding? I mean, you're immensely better at branding stuff than I am. I mean, do you think that would sell? I have to say it's entirely possible that it would sell. I have some technical concerns. Sure. Regarding just the sheer amount of electronic equipment that is physically touching our body at any given

time. Right. With current pouring through it. So I'm going to say no to the Schvitz idea. But I'm not going to say no to a traditional- What if the towels- Sorry, I'm just brainstorming. And you know I'm a little bit of a science nut, so I like these problems. I know you're a science nut.

Everybody knows Jordan Morris loves science. Yeah. Science, craft beers. I love it all. That's why they call you Jordan Morris the science. Yeah. Science, craft beers. I love it all. That's why they call you Jordan Morris the science guy. Sure. I mean, maybe if instead of the traditional Schwitz towel, we were wearing a kind of insulation. So we're in the Schwitz room.

Like a Pink Panther fiberglass? Yeah. I mean, sure. I mean, I don't. Obviously, if we wanted to be Pink Panther, we should probably have them ponying up right as a sponsor right because otherwise we're going to just going to go generic home depot yeah home depot rose colored insulation yeah um yeah but i mean what do you think about that i mean just i mean obviously yeah safety is a concern but if we were wrapped in insulation the whole time do you think well we would we would definitely want a pretty

fair amount of asbestos in here. One way or another, we'd want the asbestos because otherwise it's going to be a fire hazard. Oh, yeah. But can I suggest something just, and it does not contradict the possibility of the insulation. Of course, we'll introduce our guest in just a moment. She's sitting patiently. We'll introduce our guest in just a moment. Sure. She's sitting patiently.

I think rather than going Schwitz, we go up north. We do a sauna. Oh, okay. Like a traditional Scandinavian sauna. I guess I don't know how that's different. I believe a Schwitz is a wet heat. I mean, just generally jewier. Right.

That's generally how it's different. And a sauna is a dry heat. If I'm not mistaken, I may be mistaken. My heat room's knowledge is limited. Yeah. I believe a sauna to be a dry heat and a schwitz to be a wet heat. Okay. You'd prefer a wetter heat.

No, I'd prefer a drier heat. A drier heat. Okay. For the sake of safety. Sure. Okay. Well, I like it. Electricity. a wetter heat. No, I'd prefer a drier heat. A drier heat. Okay. For the sake of safety. Sure. Okay. Well, I like it. Electricity.

And then, yeah, I mean, and then, you know, it could be the, you know, the sauna cast or something like that. I mean, maybe even a web series. I mean, the number one kind of web series is a bad interview in an unusual location. No, that's absolutely the top. So. The top style of interview. What if? It wasn't an interviewer did an interview in a weird location?

I am thinking right now- It's all that jash money. This not only would get us jash money, this could also get us tour money because we hit the road. Think about it. I mean- Every town has a sauna. Think of.

Or every Scandinavian town. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. We tour Norway. You know how Todd Barry will go on tour with Jens Leckman? Sure. I think we can go on tour of saunas. You know, we hit Oslo. We hit Malmo.

Mm-hmm. We hit Florn, Björn, Born, Björst, Hjorn, everywhere. All the hot spots. Flurb? Bjorg. Born. Bjorst. Hjorn. Everywhere. All the hot spots. Flurb? You know it. Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, and everybody's getting laid in Flurb. Oh, you know! You know we're getting our dick sweat post show in Flurb! You know they be in Flurb! Let me hear you, those hot ladies from Flurb. What? What? Our guest is a writer for The New Yorker. She's a New York Times bestselling author.

Her books include The Orchid Thief and most recently Rin Tin Tin, which is probably the bestselling book in American history about a celebrity pet. I should hope so. Susan Orlean. Susan, welcome to Jordan, Jessica. Thank you. I'm speechless. I just want to dial back here for one second. First of all –

Do you want to say some more funny, fake Norwegian town names? Well, no. I'm just – I want to go back to the pronunciation of sauna. Okay. That's just traditional Scandinavian pronunciation. All right. Well, I'm a Midwestern girl and- What do you say?

Sauna. Sauna. Yeah. Lutefisk. I'm odd. Lutefisk. But I also want to say that in terms of safety in a sauna. How am I doing?

That's good. Thank you. You sweat. Right. So there is a liquid issue. I just keep thinking of that. You know how in Spinal Tap so many of their drummers die yeah and i always assumed that they were electrocuted and then or was that that spontaneous combustion yeah i think

spontaneous combustion i think one died of vomit choking oh yeah i. Lots of fun deaths in that movie. Yeah. But I guess it was spontaneous combustion. But I do like the idea of the interview in the hot box. But, you know, because it's sort of like a Joe Pine kind of vibe. What I like about it is that you have a certain amount of traditional interview. And then you have a certain amount of interview about the visions. That are coming to you because of your heat hallucinations. Right. You know, we can talk about projects, you know, what's going on.

You know, fun stories from the news. News of the weird. Yeah. And then we can just talk about, you know, what our spirit animal is saying to us. You know, one time my dad for a while was working on native issues on a reservation in, oh, geez, in New Mexico, I think. He went in one of those hot tents. I can't remember what that's called.

By the way, that's my respect for Native American peoples. One of them hot tents. Yeah. I apologize that I can't think of what it's called right now. Sweat Lodge. Sweat Lodge. Sweat Lodge. He did a Sweat Lodge and had a really intense experience. I actually went in there with him.

I was like eight. I was in there for like 30 seconds and I was just like, fuck this noise. I was out of there. Out of there. And then I had to sit out there while my dad was in there for another further 40 minutes or whatever having his vision dreams. Isn't that though just like an electrolyte imbalance? Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

I mean not to say that that's bad. Yeah. Maybe – but you're just saying that maybe there are sounder visions than the ones that can be eradicated with Powerade. You know, before Powerade existed, everyone was having electrolyte imbalance. Sure, yeah. Everybody was hallucinating. No, no. People didn't have electrolytes.

Oh! That's right. So it's like a thing that Gatorade has- They created a market. Right. They created an essential human chemical. Right. Yeah. They created a market. Right. They created an essential human chemical. Right. Yeah.

But do you see any discussion of electrolytes in the Bible? No. That's true. That's a really good point, Susan. But I mean – sorry. I mean there's two things I'm crazy about. Science. Three things.

Science, craft beer and – Electrolyte. I was going to say Bible scholarship. Right. Sure. I mean, there are a lot of things in the Bible that they just didn't, you know, have a word for. But I mean, we can kind of retroactively correct. I mean, the story of Jonah and the whale was originally they called him, you know, he was a fish. Jonah, they just didn't know the difference between a whale and a fish. Right. So I think there are certain think there are certain things that could have been electrolytes. They just didn't have the word for it.

Crucifixion, for instance. A lot of people think it was Jesus being nailed to a cross. It was just him sweating out all his essential salts. Yeah. Yeah. It seems possible. It certainly seems possible. And then, you know, the way it works out, you know, God has a plan for us.

2,000 years later, the trainer of the Florida Gators football team decides to add electrolytes to the fruit punch. So he's kind of the Moses of the modern world. Came down from the mount with the bottles of Gatorade. Sure. Two of them. One red, one that kind of yellowish green. Yeah. Do you have a favorite Gatorade, Jordan?

Oh, boy. I mean, yeah. I mean, yellowish green is kind of classic. Is that your preferred? I think so. But, you know, it wouldn't turn down an electric blue. Really? Yeah.

You're right on the opposite for me. Susan, what's your preferred sports drink color? You're an athlete. Clear. Clear. Clear? Yes, vodka. Pure vodka. Or a crystal Pepsi. Whatever's available. Whichever. Or mix.

Clear. Oh, that might be a nice cocktail. You know, God, if I'd only known when I was in college of such a thing. If I was wearing sleeve garters and a bow tie right now, I'd mix you up a vodka and clearly Canadian. That just would just blow your ass out. I mean, while we're on clearly Canadian. I mean, I'm kind sensing a business idea here. OK. Once we get our –

Vodka sauna? Yeah, vodka sauna. Get drunk in a sauna and then steal someone's money. That's my business idea. Actually, it's perfect to drink vodka in a sauna. Yeah. Very European. Yeah.

Vodka. Yeah, you got it. In a sauna. Sure. That's a fun pronunciation. You know, in addition to once we get our sauna webcast off the ground, what does it mean we can kind of capitalize off this artisanal cocktail craze? Right. By, you know, finding the landfills or warehouses that have your Clearly Canadians, your New York seltzers, your Crystal Pepsis,

New Cokes. And then we have an underground speakeasy style cocktail lounge where we just dump some cheap rum in there. Yeah, sure. Charge them 15 bucks. Maybe we put a sprig of rosemary on top. Yeah, why not? Somebody slaps some oregano.

For some reason, I'm suddenly really nauseous. Because it's so disgusting? Yeah. I just – I'm thinking classic Coke and vodka. Yeah. I mean not classic. New Coke. New Crystal Coke.

Crystal Pepsi. Crystal – is that clear? Get your head in the game, Orly. Wow. I'm sorry. I must have an electrolyte imbalance. You're talking crazy. I'm usually right on top of things. Hold on.

This snake is talking to me. It's just the – What? The president? Just that flavor combination is making me feel a little queasy. Well, you know what? Can I suggest a cocktail idea? Okay.

Clearly Canadian. Grey Goose vodka, only top shelf. Oh, yeah. I've got to have top shelf. Clearly Canadian. Grey Goose Vodka, only top shelf. Oh, yeah. I've got to have top shelf. And muddled whatever. Sure. Muddled bullshit. Grind up some bullshit.

Yeah. Just muddled. Yeah. Just muddled whatever. You know, I just learned a new concept today, which is pitcher cocktails. Pitcher cocktails? Pitcher cocktails, meaning cocktails that you can mix in a large pitcher. Oh, I just assumed it was cocktails for pitchers.

Cocktails for oral herchizer. Right. That too. Yeah. Like you can prepare if you're going to have a party. You can mix up some fancy cocktails. You don't have to do each one individually. Sure.

So what kind of cocktails are we talking about? Just sangria, right? No, like Sazeracs. You can mix in a big pitcher and then pour. Are you following a specific recipe for that or is that just I'm going to take the ingredients to one and, you know, edify it? Specifically, this was in a cooking magazine and it was, you know, how to have fun at your own party and one of it is- Get drunk.

Mix a pitcher of cocktails, drink it. Mix another one to serve to the guests. Right. Exactly. It was mix this. There are certain cocktails that don't have to be made individually. So you make them in a big giant pitcher and then you pour out a cup of it. That kind of sounds nice. That's fun.

For a party goer. I guess I don't do a lot of entertaining, but I guess I could just mix a big thing of it at the beginning of the week and just put it in the fridge. Nip at it. Yeah, exactly. Just a little nip. Take a little sip before work. Right. You know what I –

Drop it home during lunch. Sure. I like to go to more parties with punch bowls. I feel like precious few parties now have a nice punch bowl. Ugh. They're gross. I'd like to have some mugs hanging off of the side of the punch bowl by hooks. Can I just tell you about a nauseating experience I had?

Please do. So the punch bowl. Was it about a hot podcast you did? No, no. Yeah, it was weird. I was at a party in a sauna. party with my husband at the – an arts club that he was part of during college and they have a tradition of passing around a punch bowl and everybody has to sip from it and it's a room of say 60, 70 people.

And I thought, all right, I'll do it if I get to be one of the first ones. But unfortunately, we were among the last. You don't want to be number 58. And I'm not a germaphobe, but it was gross. By the time it came to me, my husband kept saying, come on, you got to do it. You know, you look like a bad sport. I am afraid of Germans, but that sounds doubly gross. Yeah.

I mean, a kind of sub concern of that is like there's the germs on the lip of the punch bowl. But also is this a special punch bowl meant to take drinks out of? I would think that this would have probably ruined a lot of nice clothes. It was like drinking out of a dog bowl. It was – you pick up this giant bowl and – How big is your dog bowl? You're indicating three feet apart. It's a dog bowl slash bathtub.

Quick question. Is your dog Marmaduke? Is your dog Clifford the Big Red Dog? I was going to say, I'm okay with Marmaduke, but it is Clifford. And, yes, we do have – we have – the dog lives in his own house. Sure house and there's a swimming pool in the backyard and that's his – Just like little Romeo at Master P's house. There you go. So what are you drinking out of this punch bowl?

Some sweet, gross punch. Sure. Alcoholic with spit and backwash and then I had a little moment of kind of sociopathic urge to spit mine back in

oh yeah just as a little extra fuck you to the ten people behind you who have to drink out of it you think I'm going down without a fight. You're getting my germs because now I have everybody else's germs. Oh, yeah. You're getting ten times the germs.

Yeah. It was bad. It sounds worth it, though, to be part of the secret cabal that rules the arts industry. Oh, it is. And, you know, we've been enjoying being the overlords of culture since then. And I hope you guys don't mind. No, it's fine. Thank you for just letting us kind of crouch in a corner of your great empire.

Yeah. I just like to think of myself as a puppet master. Right. Yeah. It just like to think of myself as a puppet master. Right. It's satisfying. And I like to think of myself as one of those little rubber alligators you can win at Chuck E. Cheese for five tickets. That's the sort of puppet I want to be. An insignificant

puppet that doesn't make waves and definitely doesn't want to be destroyed by your mighty paramilitary force. I'm one of those origami flower-looking things that you put on your fingers and it tells you what kind of boyfriend you're going to have. Oh, I love that. I don't know if that's technically a puppet.

Smosh. Yeah. What's that called? I don't know. What is that called? I don't know. Oh, there's a name for it. Gorp.

You go back and forth like this and you find out what your boyfriend is going to be. Yeah. How fooey. That sounds right. No, MASH is Mansion Apartment Steakhouse. It's the three, four places you want to live as a

junior high girl. A steakhouse. Like an Outback Steakhouse. No, a house made of steak. That's where Clifford the Big Red Dog would like to live. You just go to your contract and you say, I guess well done. Can you smother my house in Bernays? No, I'm thinking black and blue. Oh, yeah, that'd be nice. If you're going to accent your steak in Bernays. Yeah. No, I'm thinking black and blue. Oh, yeah. That'd be nice.

Yeah. Yeah. If you're going to accent your stake in any way. You know, I just read the weirdest thing. Speaking of meat, do you mind if I digress? Not at all. It was the weirdest. No, let's stay on track.

Let's keep it on track. You're right. So remind me what the track is. It's whatever. I was reading this absolutely fascinating story about this – the crash of the Air France flight that took place five years ago. It was flying from Brazil to Paris and they could not figure out why it crashed. And there's a very detailed story about it in Vanity Fair this month. And there's a point where – I guess they got the black box. So they knew all the conversation in the cockpit.

And there's a point where one of the flight attendants comes in and asks the pilot to lower the temperature because she has meat in her suitcase. Suitcase meat. And so the pilot turns it down. Some of the passengers soon complain that it's too cold. But the flight attendant comes back in and says, yeah, but my meat. Did she say what kind of meat it was? No, and there's no further explanation. What are you doing with meat in your suitcase?

South America is great meat country. That's true, yeah. I know, but you're flying for hours and hours and hours. It doesn't matter what the temperature is. You're going to be dead from eating your spoiled meat by the time you get— I don't know. Well, what if it has a really good chimichurri sauce on it? That's true.

That's something you haven't considered, Susan. But also— Did they mention chimichurri sauce at all? No, they did not. And actually, if they had, it would all make sense to me. But it implied... Fucking Graydon Carter probably cut that out. He probably saw that it was too

telling and redlined it. No mention of the sauce. If you're on a plane, you're excited for the fasten seatbelt sign to turn off so you can get up, go in your overhead, get a magazine, just a handful of hot links. Pull out a leg of lamb and start nibbling. A giant Ren Faire turkey leg. What would you do if someone was sitting next to you on the airplane eating a Ren Faire turkey leg?

I mean, a lot. I mean, a lot. I mean, a lot. Are they dressed as Henry VIII or are they just a normal guy? Wouldn't they have to buy an extra seat for one of those? Because those are very big. They're bigger than a lot of babies and they make you buy a seat for a baby. The nice thing is once you finish the turkey leg, you can stick it in between your tray table and the seat in front of you and they can't recline. Knee defender.

It makes a pretty solid knee defender. Yeah. A giant turkey bone. I don't know. I mean, like, I would be – I mean, the gall would be impressive. There's four things I love. Yeah. Science, craft craft beer biblical trivia

and gall yeah uh but also i would be worried about the farts oh yeah i mean i feel like i every time i sit down and like someone has brought their like fast food or sabaro or whatever with them i'm always like, oh, this is going to be a thing. This is going to be... You're going to blast me in about 90 minutes. Anyway. Yeah, I can understand that. Yeah.

But what are you supposed to eat? I mean, are you supposed to eat the snack pack? I don't want to buy a... No, I hear you. I mean, it's lose-lose at the airport. I mean, eating and air travel, it's just a shitstorm no matter how you look at it. But also when someone is like, when it sits down and just destroys a number nine in four minutes, that's going to be extra trouble, I think. You know what you're sitting there thinking?

Number nine, number nine, number nine. Why am I thinking that? Oh, because it's a Beatles song. Oh, okay, yeah. But also because you're ruefully looking forward to the farts in your future. Oh, Paul is dead, Paul is dead. I've become one of those people, though, who usually brings food on. Yeah.

Well, I mean, you got to. Yeah, there's not a lot you can do. I mean, it's, you know. Can I tell you something that Simon said yesterday? Please. Yeah. Well, I mean, you got to. Yeah, there's not a lot you can do. I mean, it's, you know. Can I tell you something that Simon said yesterday? Please. He looked at his plate of food, and he picked up a piece of arugula, a little arugula salad on his plate. He picked it up, and he looked at it, and he went, ah, plant.

And then he put it in his mouth, chewed it up, didn't like it, spat it out on himself. He gave it a shot. Yeah, you know, he took a swing at it. Yeah, that's all you can do. Even after he determined it was plant. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host a comedy podcast about parenting where we remind you that despite what the Internet says,

no one really cares what kind of parent you are. One bad mother. We're the friends with kids you want to hang out with. Check us out on iTunes and MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Susan Orlean, no funny nickname. Wow, that's cold. Yeah, right? God, you would think we didn't have Susan. I dissed you guys. Oh, man. You would think we didn't have Susan Orlean, the fun New Yorker writer in here. You think we had Tad Friend in here.

Oh, my God. Take that back. Take that back. Man, I've never been more insulted in my life. One time my mom got. You made me shout and murmur. One time my mom got. One time my mom got interviewed by Tad Friend just for background for something.

And my mom said, Tad Friend from The New Yorker called me and interviewed me. He was a very nice man. So I have to tell you my mom being interviewed by The New Yorker and it came about in the most amazing way. and it came about in the most amazing way. During the elections in – I guess it was 2000, a bunch of people I knew from The New Yorker were doing – on the day of the election, making phone calls, making sure to get people out to the polls. And I'm from Ohio.

So of course Ohio is sort of the only state anyone cares about anyway. So they didn't care about getting people in California to the polls. And I'm from Ohio. So of course, Ohio is sort of the only state anyone cares about anyway. So they didn't care about getting people in California to the polls. They did care about people in Ohio. So Ian Frazier, one of my all-time favorite New Yorker writers, amazing, amazing guy, was making the poll calls in Ohio, called my parents after saying, you know, do you need help getting to the polls? Do you need anything? He then said to my mom, is your daughter Susan Orlean? I think I work with her at the magazine.

And my mom was absolutely thrilled but also thought he was calling only the parents of people he worked with. It just got kind of muddled up. But she was – felt that this was a very special though kind of narrow casting of his job. Sure. Well, I mean it's a very intense gerrymand of narrow casting of his job. Sure. Well, I mean, it's a very intense gerrymandering. Isn't that nice? He's calling all the parents of people at the New Yorker to make sure they got to the polls. Now, of course, we have big data.

So thanks to big data and elections, the campaigns can target just the parents of New Yorker writers. Somebody explain big Data, please. Say he's a rapper from 1992. Oh, did he kill Biggie Smalls? He killed Big Pharma. It's an East Coast, West Coast thing. Shot him in Las Vegas. That's too bad.

So Big Data just is a way of saying lots and lots of numbers. Big data is a machine that makes it so that once you buy something from one catalog, all of a sudden you get a thousand catalogs that are related to that catalog. Oh. It's a machine in a bunker somewhere in Virginia run by the National Association of Lands End and Lands End like businesses. And so this is a way of saying numbers are crunched and recrunched and sifted and sorted. And if they want to sell, for instance, green eye shadow that they know will be most appealing to the parents of New Yorker writers.

With red hair. Right. They can find you. Well, I'll give you an example. I recently bought a furry wolf suit with removable crotch. Okay. Now I'm getting catalogs for fox costumes, dog costumes. Brookstone.

Grizzly Brookstone. I mean all this stuff. It's. Grizzly Brookstone. I mean, all this stuff. It's like, come on, guys. And I should hope you've heard from the good folks at Furminator. I have not. Oh. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Oh. There's been a horrible oversight. There's been an oversight on their part. Susan, let's talk Furminator. I'd happily talk a Furminator. It is – I'm – you, I know, are fond of craft beer and biblical trivia. And I'm – I love gadgets. And the Furminator is a really top drawer gadget. The only problem – it's a pet brush.

See, now, I had just assumed that it was a Terminator business run by O.J. Simpson detective Mark Furman. Well, it's that, too. In fact, they're in court right now. Right. I hate your bugs like they were other races. That's a weird slogan. Yeah.

You know, it's amazing that I think the Furminator doesn't have the H. So it's Furminator, not Furminator. Furminator. Fjordminator. Fjordminator. Which we'll be at in October to perform our sauna cast. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Always good crowds in Fjordminator. Yeah. Is that where you were going to have some love experience? Yeah, yeah, sure. I mean, I'm going to, yeah. I mean, first thing you know, you're skinny dipping in a fjord. It goes from there. Next thing you know, you're having a love experience.

You're having a love experience. Did you like that expression? I loved it. Oh a love experience. Did you like that expression? I loved it. Oh, my God. I wish I wrote for The New Yorker. I would be able to have love experiences inside my head ready to go. Well, that's a phrase that's actually in our style book. Oh, okay.

Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. So I didn't make it up. I don't think we got the actual definition of the furbinator beyond our joke. Oh, it's like a little rake that you run over your pet's hair. And then it's so effective at stripping out fur that sometimes you end up with more fur than pet. It's amazing. Yeah.

It is. But I love it. It's basically a handheld machine for having that thing of like what a chihuahua looks like when it's taking a shower. Yeah, or have you ever seen those hairless cats? Yeah. Oh, didn't I think

Austin Powers the bad guy in Austin Powers had one of those. They're really scary. What about hairless dogs? What do you know about hairless dogs? I just saw one recently. It was hairless, but it had the tuft on the tail and the little tufts around its ear. And I just don't want to touch that skin.

One of those, you know about this, Jordan? It has an Aztec name. It's called like a shawshua wattle. Yeah, it's got a lot of X's in the name, like a ch has a, like an Aztec name. It's called like a Chachahuatl. Sure. Yeah. Like it's got a lot of X's. Yeah. In the name, like a Chachahuatl. They're ancient, ancient beasts of Mexico. Oh.

Yeah. They're great. What are their, what's their temperament like? Uh, they got a, well, I mean like I think any ancient beast, uh, you know, they're relative, they're relatively spunky. Mm-hmm. You know, they got a little bit of sassitude. Sure.

Classic sassitude. Some zesty Latin flavor. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Like a salsa verde Dorito. I'll tell you what. I petted one, and I kind of liked petting it. I was surprised. And I kind of, it took me a minute, but after a minute, I was like, oh, huh, now I find this animal cute.

Well, I will say, and I don't mean to offend you gentlemen or suggest that you wouldn't be familiar with this, but they feel a little like a penis. Really? I've read periodicals that describe the feel of the penas. Interesting. So I could probably envisionas. Interesting. So I could probably envision it. Yeah. So maybe that's why I find it a little disturbing. Sure.

But I mean, not that I find a penis disturbing. I mean, those animals. No, I can understand that. I actually don't know what a penis feels like. I've never touched another man's penis and my penis holds itself. Wow. Yeah. As necessary.

You prop it up under a turkey leg bone. That's why I'm always eating one of those Disneyland turkey legs from the state fair. Oh, you could make it stand out of the bone. I hadn't even thought of that. I read an article. Sorry. I read an article in the New York Times. I was reading the World Affairs section of the New York Times, let's say.

Yeah, I'll bet you were. Oh, I'm sorry. You mean the Penthouse Forum. Okay, okay. I was reading the porno section of the New York Times. All right. Dear New York Times, I never thought this would happen to me. People love Renaissance Fair turkey legs so much that they sell Disneyland T-shirts at Disneyland that just have a picture of a turkey leg on it.

Get a life. Get a life, turkey leg enthusiasts. When did this turkey leg thing start happening? Because I've noticed it at county fairs. Yeah. I think it's exploded in the last five years. I mean, I just remember, you know, county fair as a kid, you know, versus it now. I mean, it seems to be all about dare foods, challenge foods, deep fried Twinkie, deep fried peanut butter cup.

And I think the turkey leg is in that zone. It's like, look what I can eat. Fuck you. You know, it's an angry gesture of a meal. You know what I think they should sell at the fair? A honey glazed ham. Just like walk around, take giant bites out of it and take a slug out of a thermos of creamed corn. That's the next.

You eat a bowl of Alfredo sauce with a muffin floating in it. I think the whole ham that you walk around snacking on is the natural next step well you wouldn't hold it by the flesh you would have those little things that go in the sides of corn on the cob oh but they're shaped like hams no they're shaped like corn okay yeah well i think it's because you want to have a balanced diet yeah exactly you eat them afterwards i think you want to have a balanced diet. Yeah, exactly. You eat them afterwards. They'd be a – I think you need something with a little more heft. Yeah.

What about – Like a garden trowel. I'm going to make a suggestion here because I think this goes with the Tude, and I think this is a very popular Tude these days. Right. What about – what if they were like Harley handles? Oh, yeah. Snacking. I mean it is – we are in a time – it has never been a better time in America to be a fat guy with a rock and roll attitude.

If you are a fat guy with a rock and roll attitude, this is your cultural moment. Right now, there are one million fat guys with rock and roll attitudes in this great nation of ours. And over 900,000 of them have development deals with the History Channel. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't know. Harley hams. Yeah. I'm just spitballing here. Do you know how awesome that is?

We go deep with the quirky family who makes handlebars for hams. Yeah. That outrageous quirky clan who always speaks their mind. Ham-hinesty. Ham-hinesty. That's it. Quick. Hey, can you get the producer to just buy that domain name for me quick?

Yeah, just go to GoDaddy. Quick. Brian, real quick. Not GoDaddy. They kill elephants. Oh, yeah, yeah. Go to a domain seller that doesn't kill elephants. Yeah, Dynadot.

There you go. Thanks. Squarespace? Yeah. Whew, man, that is huge. I feel it. We've come up with a lot of great business ideas in this show. You know what?

It is a shame that we're not rich yet, but I think we've got the potential. Yeah. We need a little seed capital. I say we just go to one of these bowl chugging parties that Susan's always going to. With the Illuminati of the arts industry. I would go straight to Andreessen Horowitz. I would not go for the chump change. So right to the VCs.

For sure. And, you know, don't forget the Kickstarter. Woodside, California. Here we come. Completely. And I think I can get you a meet with Pierre Amadar. Great. Is that his name?

I'll take it. Probably. He's a good friend of mine. I just never said his last name before. And you're done. Yeah. This is. Once we show him that growth curve.

Yeah. Here's one thing. Sure. That I'm worried about. I don't really feel like putting together a dossier. Oh, yeah. I definitely don't want to do that. I'm concerned he's going to ask for a dossier or a deck.

I don't really want to make a deck or a dossier. What's a deck? It's like a PowerPoint presentation that talks about, you know, target markets and social media engagements. Like they do on Shark Tank. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I think we're going to have to bring in, what's the virgin guy called? Richard Branson.

We're going to have to bring in Branson on this. We need his business. We're the ideas people. He's the execution guy. Hopefully the meeting will happen in space. Or on a hot air balloon. Or, no, no, no. He owns a bunch of islands in the Caribbean.

That's where you want the meeting. Yeah. Forget the hot air balloon. He owns a bunch of islands in the Caribbean. That's where he won the meeting. Yeah. Forget the hot air balloon. He owns like St. Bart's. It was so insane. Yeah, I was watching some – I don't know if it was Cribs, but he was on some sort of MTV thing showing people around his island. And just for a brief moment – this was a 30-second moment in a 12-minute piece. He just kind of pointed and he's like, hey, there's Mariah.

And the camera panned over and Mariah Carey was just like sitting in this deck chair. And then the rest of the thing was not about that. So, I mean, hopefully we can get Mariah Carey in on this because she's probably just there anyway. Yeah. I mean, as long as we already have the meeting set up, which evidently we do. Remember when Mariah Carey was married to Nick Cannon? Yeah. Until very recently.

That went on for a number of years. Yeah. How's that even possible? I don't know. I mean – I'm still getting over her breaking up with Tommy Mottola. Yeah. You figured she'd be locked in. Mariah Carey's broke our hearts many times.

Yeah. Over her long career. You know what I think she's going to- It looks good, though. You know what I think she's going to marry now? Human butterfly. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's my best bet.

Like a hybrid? A human butterfly hybrid? Yeah. Huh. I think Branson's working on it. That's probably why she was out there on some parks. You know Branson's splicing some genes out there on his island. He's got a real island of Dr. Moreau happening.

Can I circle back to pets for a minute? Jordan, I'd love to talk to you about pets. My cat, Bug, has been – she's been having some hairballs. She's been itching to the point where she's giving herself little scabs. I don't know. Oh, jeez. rasping for nose hairs that aren't there. That's why I'm so radiant. That's why you have to give yourself little scabs in the hairballs. Yeah. If you need to retreat to spat up a hairball, just let me know and I'll vamp. My tongue is like a tiny piece of sandpaper. So I was looking at the causes of over grooming.

One of them is fleas. I don't think she has fleas, but I gave her some flea medication anyways, which she was not nuts about. I had to apologize after it happened. But one of them is boredom. Just that the cat will be bored and it will groom because it has nothing else to do and then it will just get into this cycle of grooming to where it's – To the point where it's over grooming. To the point where it's over grooming. Yeah.

To the point where it's over grooming. To the point where it's over grooming. Yeah. So I guess I kind of started to worry about this because, you know, I feel like I've been working some kind of long hours recently. And, yeah, I think she definitely is not getting a lot of TLC. I mean, I leave the TLC single waterfalls on when I leave the house. So she, you know, feels like she has company. And so she has something to chase. Yeah.

Sure. Yeah. Have you considered getting something to chase. Yeah. Have you considered getting her a friend? Yeah. I mean I've looked – the website I was reading said that a friend cat can help things but also it could be the source of more stress. This is true. So yeah. I don't know if there's something like maybe I can maybe like foster a cat for a little while and see how she reacts to it.

But I think it's one of those things where like over time they would get to be friends. So I don't know about that. What about this? I'm just throwing out ideas here. What if you let mice loose in your house? Like this? And she could just kill them. Be like taking her on, you know, a shooting safari.

Yeah, it'd be like paintball. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But she could pretend like she was the founder of GoDaddy.com. Right, exactly. Only with mice instead of elephants. Yeah, I could do that. I could just release some, like, feeder mice. Just go to a place where they sell, like, snake food. Yeah. Get a bunch of feeder mice. Hey, what about this? Hmm. Fucking release a snake. Oh.

Then it's a battle for the ages. Whichever one survives, love that one. I love you because you survived. Hi, new pet. That's also known as gladiator. Yeah, gladiatorial combat. Give Bug a trident and a net. Have you considered Prozac?

Oh, yeah, maybe. Maybe she's just like, you know, dopamine receptors? Blockers. Beta blockers? I can't speak to that. Gamma waves. Gamma waves. Gamma radiation. Turn her into a Hulk. And just be careful not to get her mad.

Yeah, you would not like her when she's angry. So then she would just Hulk out when I applied the flea medication. But can you imagine how boring it is to be a pet? Although cats sleep so much. Yeah. You know, what I did, my solution was I, you know, already being like a guy who lives alone with a cat is a little bit, you know, it's a little bit of a stigma. I think some people think it's weird. So I try not to like accentuate that by having a lot of like cat stuff in the house.

You have a cat sweatshirt that you wear almost all the time. Well, that's because it makes me feel sexual. Right. Yeah. That's just for the sexual powers it gives me. Right. Sure. So yeah.

So there's – so I try not to have a lot of cat stuff but I think maybe that's something I'm doing wrong is maybe I'm not giving her enough to do. I have another idea. Yeah. A cat nanny. Oh. Interesting. Hire some –

Sure. An older lady. Fran Drescher. Fran Drescher. Come and play with a cat for an hour during the day. Some Bronx wisdom. Yeah. Come and play with a cat for an hour during the day. Dispense some Bronx wisdom.

Yeah. And then, I mean, my guess is that may solve your problem. Well, here's what I did today. I like this cat nanny idea. But if my solution that I did now doesn't work, cat nanny definitely. But today I went to Kmart and bought a cuddle castle. I'm sorry? A cuddle castle. Sorry. Couldn't quite to Kmart and bought a cuddle castle. I'm sorry? A cuddle castle.

Sorry, couldn't quite hear you. It's a cuddle castle. Sorry, Brian, can you turn up my mic? A cuddle castle. I have a cuddle castle in my house now. It's a combination. Is that a gentleman's club? Oh, yeah, definitely.

It's amateur night at the cuddle castle. God. Let's have Patches on the stage. Patches to the center stage. Let her know you're out there, fellas. Meow. Is that something for the cat to play on? It's an apparatus that you put together with these plastic pipes and you stretch this. I have had one of these.

Yeah. It's a combination of scratching post, hammock, hidey hole, ball dangler. Yeah. I had one. It was the least ostentatious one they sold. Still very ostentatious. Yeah. So I definitely kind of broke a little rule that I made for myself.

Just I was worried about the cat's well-being. And I'm like, eh, don't be the guy with all the cat shit. But now I got a little bit of cat shit in the house. Did you have to nip it up to get her to go for it? Yeah, I nipped it up a little bit. I put some treats in there. She seems to be enjoying it. I mean, I think it was a good purchase, but

I also feel like I betrayed myself a little bit. I mean, you did. Sure. My ideals. I don't think... Now, here's the thing. I don't think it's weird for a single guy like yourself to live with a cat. I think that's perfectly normal. Cats are a friendly companion. Sure.

But yeah, I mean a cuddle castle. When I purchased a similar apparatus, first of all, it was called Kitty City. That's definitely a strip club. Yeah. On I-90. Yeah. I've been there. They need to change that billboard. That woman is dead. That woman on that billboard is long dead. For sure. But my problem- I keep hearing that for $100, you can have a love act. A love act in the back room? No, a love experience. Love experience.

Excuse me. My problem with Kitty City is that at the time I got it, my son was pretty young. This is for a child. He found it – no, it was for the cat. But he found it irresistible and I would find him in Kitty City and eventually as he thrived, he became larger than a cat and led to the failure and demolition of Kitty City. But he loved it. Yeah.

Initially, it was just a few vacant lots. Right. And then the cat's over in his room playing with Hot Wheels. Right, exactly. Hey, this is cool. A Nerf gun. Yeah. I mean, he ruined it.

He crushed it. But I guess the cat – I look at it philosophically that the cat might have found it interesting and funny to see a human child, a toddler in Kitty City. I mean the nice thing is cats aren't territorial at all. So you don't have to worry. They encourage you to share their space, their toys. Big sharers. Now, Jordan, your son, you're still denying his existence, right? Yeah. But I mean, if you want to talk about my son.

Quote unquote. That doesn't exist. Yeah. Barbara. We can. Okay. Well, I mean, the point is, if you spray Kitty City with some bitter apple spray, he won't chew on it. You don't have to worry about him collapsing it.

That's probably a great idea. I spray everything with bitter apple spray. Yeah. That's nice. But yours is called Cuddle – Cuddle Castle? Cuddle Castle. You might have gotten a slightly classier model.

Oh, I got this at Kmart. Oh, I got mine at Target. Yeah. It may just be that they – but they're the same thing. It's plastic tubes and a little sling. Yeah, yeah. I got mine from Brookstone. Ooh.

So it vibrates? It has lasers. Oh, wow. Cool. And it has wheels, right? Oh, yeah. And it's carry-on size. Yeah.

So you can take it on that. You can stuff some meat in there if you need to go on a transcontinental flight. Listen, I just flew across the country with my kitty. Oh. And have you ever done that? No. She's never been – we've moved apartments a couple times, but that's all the travel that she's done. Oh, and she went to my mom's house once when I was working out of town for a month.

Well, let me just tell you. Yeah. What's flying with a cat? What's that like? Yeah. For a really good time, drive with your cat in a car for two hours, then go through security in which you are required to remove your cat from the cat carrier. And this is the carrier that it took you an hour to get the cat in.

And this is the carrier that it took you an hour to get the cat in. Sure. You have to take the cat out and carry it through the x-ray machine. Otherwise, they will put it through and x-ray the cat. Sure. And when it comes out, you know, it'll be like a skeleton. Oh, you got a Hulk on your hands. And then – I don't know if those x-ray machines are operated by gamma rays.

Yeah, well – I can only assume they are. And then sit on a flight for five and a half hours with that same cat. Sure. And there was a moment where my cat, who would occasionally just let out this sound that just – you could die. It's like – And I thought, you know, poor thing. Give me some headphones.

I want to watch the movie. I zipped it open a little and let him – and the minute I zipped open his carrier, he shoved his head out and was three-quarters of the way out of the carrier. And I thought, I'm going to get in big trouble if my cat is loose on this plane. So I had to shove his head back. It was horrible. Anyway, he was a trooper because we'd fly him back cross-country every year. And boy, did they hate it. I mean, it's –

Not fun. Not fun. When I was babysitting that pig, loyal listeners may remember that for a period of a number of days, I babysat at a pig. They were just like the owners of the pig. They're just like, just put the pig in the backyard. It'll be fine. I swear to God, you put somebody else's pig in your backyard. It sounds like there is a murder in progress.

In progress from the hours of 8 p.m. to 1 a.m. every night. Was it shrieking? Oh, and the noises are horrifyingly human-like. Ew. Yeah, I mean, isn't that even an expression? A noise like a stuck pig? Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. Were you stuck in it? I shouldn't have stuck that pig. You probably shouldn't have been stuck in it. The thing is, is I want to become a bullfighter. Oh, sure. Yeah, no, a pig's a good animal to practice on. Yeah, I wanted to start with something small.

Similar genus. Yeah. Well, they both give birth to live young. Yeah, sure. Hooves. Do they? Yeah, I think so. No, I think you can bulls lay eggs.

Skip that part of the science. Bulls lay eggs? Yeah, bull eggs. You ever had a bull egg omelet? Oh. Oh, yum. They're great. I should know this. I have cattle. Wait. Bull play eggs? Yeah. Bull eggs? You ever had a bull egg omelet? Oh. Oh, yum. They're great. I should know this.

I have cattle. Wait, you have cattle? Yeah. On your farm? How do you have cattle? I read about your chickens in the New Yorker once. Yeah, yeah. Well, my chickens actually all got killed by a raccoon.

Oh, no. So I'm sort of sad. And I have turkeys. And every now and again, I find myself eyeing their legs. And since the only good thing is they regenerate. So if you carve off a leg- It's like a lizard tail. Yeah. You get another one. It's-

That is good. Well, maybe that's why those turkey legs are so prevalent these days. Well, it's a sustainable industry. Right. Far from the table. It's like bamboo. You cut it down, grows another one. And yeah- You can actually make underpants out of both. Oh, I didn't know that. Turkey leg underpants.

Yeah. It's really nice. It's really hot. Sounds erotic. But yeah, we have black Angus cattle. Wow. And every now and again, we'll carve off a leg and they're bigger. Now, what part of the black – sorry.

Take two. What part of the black Angus cattle do you get the Bloomin' Onion from? Glad I took that over. It was worth saying. You know, I'm – The rump. Yeah. I'm really not at liberty to say.

No, I get it. Because it's sort of a bit of a – Do you eat your – Oh, Alpac Steakhouse. That is Bloomin' Onion. My joke didn't even make sense. I wasn't going to say anything. I was sitting here thinking like, I get it. Because it's sort of a bit of a... Do you eat your cows? Oh, Alpac Steakhouse. That is Bloomin' Onion. My joke didn't even make sense. I wasn't going to say anything. I was sitting here thinking like,

oh, it's pretty good. It would be better if that wasn't... If that was from... What is Black Angus's equivalent of the Bloomin' Onion? I don't know. Brian's going to have to tell us.

Yeah. Anyway. Do you eat your cows? We do not specifically, you know, we don't have them slaughtered and then butchered for our use. But they're beef cattle and then we sell them when they're at the – after we keep

them and they grow up, we sell them to another farm nearby where they live for another year but they get grain in addition to grass and then they're butchered. I mean they're slaughtered and the store locally carries a lot of the meat from this particular farm. So we've probably had it. But I mean that probably seems hypocritical. I wouldn't – I mean first of all, I wouldn't have the slightest idea. You know, slaughtering an animal, it's a big thing. But I never thought to say, oh, I want one back. Especially – you do it halal too. So –

Yeah. It's a very big deal. Sure. It's very complicated. Yeah. You just have to kick them. Yeah. Kick them a bunch.

But they're – yeah. What are they like as – I mean I guess they're not really pets but like what are they like as animals? Are they warm? Are they nice? Do you guys like them as pet type things? Well, this year our cows were really friendly and they would come and they were very curious and we teach them to come to get snacks. What's a cow snack? An alfalfa cube.

Oh, cool. That sounds good. Compressed alfalfa. Spray that with a little bitter apple spray? And they love it. Yeah, they love it. Muddle something? Oh, yeah.

But they're almost – Punch a bay leaf? They're kind of like wild animals. Oh, yeah? I mean they really are. They're not – they get very nervous if you touch them. They're like a special kind of wild animal that couldn't survive in the wild for five minutes. Yeah, they're called – I think the term is – there is a term.

It's like opportunistic domesticity. Farm jerks. They're domesticated but they're not – it's not like a dog or a horse where they're going to interact with you. I mean, maybe if you raised a calf from birth and you handled it a lot and it was really used to it. But on their own, they're kind of wild. But this year, our herd was really friendly and they're really cute. What other animals are we looking at at the Orlean family farm? Well, you got your cattle.

Number one. You got your chickens. Two. You got your turkeys. Three. You got your ducks. You got your geese. Raccoons.

Yeah, your killer raccoons. Yeah, and you got – right. And you got your guinea fowl. Guinea fowl? That seems racist. I know. I guinea fowl. Guinea fowl? That seems racist. Yeah. I know. I'm embarrassed even saying it. But we had a little massacre. Oh, no. I mean, these raccoons are – they may look all cute. They may look like little bandits doing little bank holdups.

Washing their food. Yeah. They're ruthless. Yeah. Are you trying – are you seeking revenge? doing little bank holds ups. Washing their food. They're ruthless. Yeah. Are you trying, are you seeking revenge? Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't even want to know. Swore a blood oath. What if the raccoons killed all your guinea fowl but then you saw the guinea fowl in the grocery store a couple weeks later? Jesus. One of those opportunistic raccoons.

Yeah. Well, then it's also a matter of that's rustling. Yeah. And that them's fine words. Yeah, that's a high crime. Yeah. Out in the Old West. Yeah, that means you're going to be packing heat

next time you see that raccoon. This is in New York City, not Studio City, right? I mean, in New York State, not Studio City. It's in Manhattan. It's on the 50th floor of a very nice condo. What's crazy is it's a walk-up. That cattle drive. Actually, I used to park in Manhattan next to the only horse stable in New York City. Wow.

I'm surprised that exists. Oh, yeah. It was on 89th Street between Amsterdam and Columbus. And one day I went to get the car and one of the horses from the stable had cut loose and was galloping around in my parking garage. It was – That's insane. It was insane. It really was insane. It was also amazing because you don't often see a horse next to a car.

Full gallop. Yeah. Yeah. Horses don't usually have to stare at their own obsolescence yeah i mean it was how ironic yeah it was that was a bad moment it was but it was crazy but i would wake up i would hear horses going by it was it was a kind of great but they've closed the stable now which is really sad. Can I ask you a question? Yeah.

Why don't you have any goats? I'll tell you why. Because I really, really wanted goats. But – So far it's not making a lot of sense, Susan. The goats are difficult. They will eat everything. They will climb on top. Your tin can collection. They'll climb on top of your car. They'll eat everything. They will climb on top of your

car. They'll eat your garden. They're crazy. And I had gone to get a goat. They're defiant animals. Yeah, they're willful. You know, they're on a mission. Amoral. I went

to get a goat and my neighbor was selling a goat. It was a beautiful, totally cool-looking little goat. And I was going to put him in my car, which I thought would have been really funny. That would be funny. Just the idea of driving around with a goat in your car. It's funny. Makes me laugh.

The guy I was buying it from said to me, I just got to warn you. He really likes and he starts ticking off a list of everything this goat liked to eat. Photo albums, baby blankets. Yeah, children. Yeah, human children. Raccoons. Sure.

And I got concerned because I sort of wanted a goat that could wander around and be sort of like- You wanted like a chill-ass goat. Yeah. Fucking bomb-ass. And be kind of kinetic sculpture. Weed smoking. And he scared me off. Yeah.

He scared me off. He really did. And I said, I'll get back to you. Give me a minute. R-E, goat. I like that you were going to put it in your Ford Fiesta. Yeah. I presume you drive a Ford Fiesta out on the farm.

I do. Yeah. It's known as a really good farm car. You need to do some threshing. Yeah. Especially if the bottom falls out and you just do like a Flintstone car with it. Yeah. Or just put nubby tires on it.

Sure. Put nubby tires on that motherfucker. It's a farm car. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Got a portstone car with it? Yeah, or just put nubby tires on it. Sure. Put nubby tires on that motherfucker. It's a farm car. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Got a port for your iPod? What I drive around is my son has one of those little toy cars, and I can kind of fit in it.

Oh, that's fun. And they're pretty good. Again, like Little Romeo at Masterpiece House. Does he have like a big wheel stable? I believe he had a gold-plated big wheel. Oh, okay. If I am remembering correctly. Sure.

Yes. That's pretty fun. What about a miniature horse or donkey? Well, donkey, definitely. And my husband gave me an IOU for a donkey for my birthday three years ago, and I've yet to collect on it and I'm bitter. Just wait until you meet the right donkey. Yeah.

Yeah. I went to actually – You don't want to charge into a decision like that. I went to a mule auction in Tennessee. I was writing a story. That's the real reason I was down there. But there were these amazing animals for sale for nothing. It would have cost you more to truck them home than to buy them.

Well, I mean the good news is there's other stuff you can do in Tennessee. For example, a game of horseshoes. Thank you. That was a joke about the Arrested Development song. Jordan, your line there was a game of the Arrested Development song. Oh. Jordan, your line there was a game of horseshoes. Oh, sorry. It's okay.

I zoned out. Darn. You want to do that again? Yeah. Because that was cool. There are other fun things you can do in Tennessee, even if you can't buy an animal. For example, a game of horseshoes. No, Jordan, see, that's where... Huh?

Jordan. A game of horseshoes see now Susan gets it Tennessee Susan's the one with urban flavor sorry

I guess I'll have to settle for this zesty Latin flavor I like I like your cross colors by the way Susan you look great

I like it it's a fun combination nice eight ball jacket she Andrew Dice Clay so you You look great. I like it. It's a fun combination. Nice eight ball jacket. Andrew Dice Clay. So you saw some fine beasts. How much money are we talking about? What is a mule cost?

What are you dropping on a mule? You could get a beautiful mule for $100. $100? What? $100, $200. It was actually, it was sad. The real money is the alfalfa cubes. Oh, yeah. And they live for a Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And they live for a very, very long time. So a lot of – this was during the recession. A lot of people were selling their mules because they just couldn't pay to feed them. Yeah, and they didn't need them anymore to turn their water wheels. Right. Or whatever it is that mules do in 2014. Yeah, that's what I was going to ask. Mules were 200 years old.

The mule would be just a pet. There's not a – this isn't a functional mule. Well, there is. They have some function. You can attach one to one side of a pair of Levi's and one to the other side of a pair of Levi's and then startle them. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, if they've gotten a little snug. Sure.

Some people farm with them. I mean, it's sort of like baking your own bread. You farm with mules. But then a lot of people use them for – they're great for riding or pulling wagons. And so it's a hobby. Okay, sure. That's fun. Hitch up the wagon to the mule, take the family out.

Yeah. I mean, they were really, really amazing. Do some animal nitrate poppers. Sure. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when you're rolling, you definitely want to be in a mule wagon. That's a fun trip.

Going eight miles an hour. How fast can a mule pull a wagon? Ooh, yikes. I don't know. Eight sounds about right to me. Yeah. A little faster, don't you think? That's like a slow jog.

Or a fast jog. A trot. A trot? A light trot? I would say 10, 12. It depends how many family members in the wagon, too. That's an issue. I don't know.

But I wanted – I really wanted one. But everybody said, remember, they live a long time. So if you're getting mule, it's 30 years. Of mule time. Yeah. Yeah. Human time. Sure.

Probably like 100 years. Oh, boy. Mule time. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot. Get like 100 years. Oh, boy. Mule time. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot. Get a tortoise. They live forever. Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, they'll live you. And they only become more powerful as the years go on. As a matter of fact, I went the other day to Petco with my son to buy a tortoise. And we made the mistake of calling my husband saying, we're thinking of getting a tortoise. And my phone almost exploded. You're not getting a tortoise. And it was, you know, like a cartoon. Your husband's just protective of his lettuce. Yeah. And his tortoise food. We should explain your husband is a hare. Yeah. And he was. He likes the snack on it. We should explain. Your husband is a hare. Yeah.

And he was – He doesn't want to be ironically beaten in any races. Right. So his concern was first of all that we have a lot of animals and secondly that it was a commitment that might outlive our marriage. And that would have been embarrassing. Sure. Well, I mean, you know, this – gosh, I'm bringing it down here a little bit. I understand.

But like, you know, obviously it's hard for older people when a spouse passes. You don't want to have this tortoise there constantly reminding you of how alone you are. Yeah. On the other hand – That's the one thing they're able to say. They don't have full power speech but they can say, you pathetic loser. They have a grunt that sounds like that. Pathetic loser.

Lonely. Wasted life. Live too long. Put lettuce on the floor. It's a little known fact about tortoises. They can say depressing things. Put that lettuce down. And turn around for a long time.

It will take me a while to eat this. Do you have any carrots? So that's why. That's reasonable. I am currently. So you have a lot of these animals on your farm. Do you – what's your pet total? Well, what we have that travels with us is dog and two cats.

Four clowns. All in one car. No, we have a dog and actually one of the cats. We live in New York, but we have dog and cat. Because you can't get a good bagel out here. Oh, really, cat? The water is different? All right.

This is a great conversation. Yeah. So they are the inside the house pets. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah. And the raccoon tried to eat the dog. No, I'm kidding.

I did not. Oh, yeah. You're definitely going to have to take down the raccoon if that happens. Oh, yeah. Have you thought of hiring a raccoon hitman? I have one. Oh, okay. Sorry. I of hiring a raccoon hitman? I have one. Oh, okay. Sorry.

I know you probably don't want to talk about it. No, it's ugly. Yeah. Ugly. But I have one. He's not one of these hitmen that kills the raccoon and makes it look like an accident. He kills the raccoon to send a message. Right.

He's holding the raccoon. There's a head on his butt. The raccoon wakes up with a raccoon head in his back. That's a subtle message. Raccoons are a little dense. You got to be blunt with them. Yeah. Okay.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. God damn it, Susan. Hi, I'm Susan Orlean, and I'm just happy as all get out to be here. You know, I don't know. I don't know.

I thought it was sincere to me. Yeah, I'm unsold. Yeah? Yeah. You don't think we're having fun? I think it's – I thought it's sincere to me. Yeah. I'm unsold. Yeah? Yeah. You don't think we're having fun? I think we're having fun. I think Susan just belied that her fun is actually a complex lie she's telling. Oh.

When she didn't even have a nickname ready the second time around. Oh, my God. I feel so bad. As well you should, Susan. As well you should. Okay. As well you should. Okay, let's do over Mulligan. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

No need to wait for Susan. She probably doesn't have anything to say. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, well, now you made me feel bad. Yeah, well, you deserve it. Number one, I've enjoyed many of your books. Number two, I enjoy your magazine writing.

Number three, you're a really pleasant friend. And now it's all gone to hell. Susan, I would like to hear your nickname. Here, I'll go Jordan Morris, boy detective. Susan Orlean, Queen of the Night. Come on! Come on! She's back!

Alright. She's back! Queen of the Night. Thank you. Thanks. My favorite 80s power ballad. I would like to take this opportunity to mention that I will be performing in a live performance show. Those are fun.

Yeah, I know, right? A live bullseye, October 15th here in Los Angeles. It is going to be quite the extravaganza. We're still not quite ready to announce the guests, but we've already started booking guests, confirming guests. I can say there are some real winners. The one I hinted at last week that i thought we might have i don't know if that's going to be the one that we definitely haven't confirmed that one but we did confirm one uh just yesterday sounds great that's terrific so all i gotta i mean

i'm just saying there are confirmed guests oh yeah this won't be a guestless show this isn't just gonna be me going out this isn't to be a Spalding Gray-esque. Well, I was going to do like an Evening with Mark Twain type thing. Oh, that would be fun. Right? Get to wear that little outfit. Sure. Probably get to hang out with Val Kilmer later.

That'd be amazing. Is that the most shocking thing you've ever heard? Val Kilmer as Mark Twain? I hear after the show he answers questions in character. Yeah. God, I want to see that. I got to see this. Good for him. Way to go, VK. Yeah, right? Superstar, the star questions in character. Yeah. God, I want to see that. I got to see this. Good for him.

Way to go, VK. Yeah, right? Superstar, the star of MacGruber. Oh, yeah. Best known as the star of MacGruber. Yeah, Val Kilmer's having a great late career. Did you see the Letterman clip where Kristen Wiig is on Letterman, and she made some allusion to MacGruber. And then just Letterman just starts laughing uncontrollably.

And she's like, what are you laughing at? And he's just like, then he just says that he just really loved MacGruber. That's awesome. Yeah, isn't that great? That's totally great. Yeah, fucking Jimmy Fallon doesn't love MacGruber. He probably doesn't love MacGruber. Okay, October 15th in Los Angeles, the Masonic Lodge at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery is where it is going to be held.

It is a super, super cool venue. I think NPR Generation Next is going to do some kind of meet and greet afterwards where you can meet me. And I guess probably Mark Twain. That's probably how we're going to sell tickets to this thing. Oh, yeah. Ultimately, my drawing power is asymptotic to the X axis. But, you know, if I put on that Twain outfit, I get a little bit of confused seniors. Yeah, get some country wisdom out there.

You got plenty of country wisdom. Yeah. Maybe I should do a – Won't you be carrying a signature ham? Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Just periodically you're going to want to take bites from your ham highness-ty. And I'm going to do some roping too.

Oh, great. So you can expect some roping and cowboy wisdom. Some rope tricks. Yeah. So there's a lot of different – I mean you got stand-up comedy. You got music. You got interviews. Then you some roping and cowboy wisdom. Some rope tricks. Yeah. There's a lot of different... I mean, you got stand-up comedy, you got music, you got interviews, then you got roping, country wisdom. Is it too late to change the venue to the Gene Autry Museum? That's a good point.

Yeah. We should think about that. Just saying. Amongst the Native American artifacts. Sounds like a nice atmosphere to me. You ever been to the Gene Autry Museum? I haven't. Yeah. Why would you go there, right?

I don't know. I've driven past it before. It's a big museum. He was a rich man, but I don't know why I wouldn't want to go. You know, eh. Yeah. Not interested. Okay.

All the information and the ticket link are online at MaximumFun.org. Who knows? The guests may have been announced by the time you buy this, but come on. Don't fuck around and not buy a ticket to this. You what i mean you live in los angeles how often do we do this basically never just buy a fucking ticket it's gonna be great we're gonna have amazing stuff it's gonna be worth your while bring a friend they're gonna be like man you've got great taste okay that's it maximumfun.org i love these clay pots may i just interject here? It would be a fun blind date. Oh, sure.

Yeah. If you're one of those folks. So if you want to set me up with somebody. Yeah. Right. Buy them a ticket. Send them up to the stage. You know, for the folks who are trying to think of where would be a fun place to go on a first date.

Yeah. It shows that you're sophisticated, but that you're also a whole heap of fun. You know what I mean? Get a t-shirt for the lady. Get high in the parking lot. Sure. We're going to have turkey legs. I should mention that.

You're just going to throw them out to the audience. Yeah. You should get one of those cannons. Yes. Oh, but instead of t-shirts, it shoots turkey legs. And then a corn hose. We just hit the future of entertainment. Just blast them with a corn hose.

It's not going to get any better than this. If you want to share your message on JordanJesseGo, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to advertise on JordanJesseGo, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Good nickname. Darkness surrounds her. I'm warming up. Literally physically warming up. It is hot. It's very hot. Very hot. Hot in here. Hey, listen.

When something momentous happens to you, our audience, like let's say you're at the basketball game and you catch a turkey leg, we want you to give us a call. Our phone number, 206-984-4FUN. Who knows? You might be the next guest in our signature segment, Momentous Occasions. Let's take our first call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse.

This is Pam from Milwaukee. And I'm calling you from Aurora, Sinai, emergency room because I think I broke my wrist at my fourth week of roller derby practice. Keep it real, dude. That's why you got to wear wrist guards. Got to wear wrist guards. Sorry. Got to, got to, got to, got to. You might not think it looks cool, dude. That's why you got to wear wrist guards. Got to wear wrist guards. Sorry. Got to, got to, got to, got to. You might not think it looks cool, Pam.

But I don't know. You can add a little roller derby style to it. Put a skull on there. Yeah. Put a Dia de los Muertos skull on there. Yeah. That's the answer. Get yourself some hoop earrings and a Dia de los Muertos skull.

Yeah. And some kind of chola-based pun, and you're in business. You got it. Yeah. Done. I wonder what a roller derby name is. That seems like that should be a part of it. Any roller derby-based call should include what your name is, I think.

That's a role from here on out. Yeah. I just made friends with someone whose real name sounds like a porn name. Wolf Blitzer? whose real name sounds like a porn name. Wolf Blitzer? No, it's just something where I thought, is that his porn name?

Yeah, it is. No, weirdly, he did porn as Frank Smith. His porn name is Wolf Penis. But you know what? That's almost refreshing. Yeah. No, that's true. He's like, hey, I don't need some crazy name to announce me. I'll let the fucking do the talking.

Yeah. And to be fair, I mean, he had a monstrous, glistening, rock-hard schlong. Sure. So you can't ultimately, there's nothing to complain about. That's where the Frank. Oh, okay. So it's not as. That's a little bit of a pun.

It's a little bit of a pun. Yeah, a little, but it's so subtle. That's cool. It's classy the Frank. Oh, okay. So it's not as. That's a little bit of a pun. It's a little bit of a pun. Yeah, a little, but it's so subtle. That's cool. It's classy. Yeah. Well, he's a classy guy. Well, Flitzer. Sorry, who did you meet that had the porn name?

I'm not at liberty to say, but it was very much a porny sounding name. Thank God you brought this up, Susan. No. It was Mandelique Del Barco, wasn't it? Ooh, ooh, ooh. Was it Ophabia Quist-Harton? I just sometimes sit and say those NPR names. What proportion

of NPR hosts do you think at some point have done porn? I say 20%. Higher. You know, you get off the bus from buttfuck Ohio. You're in the big city. You want to make it as an NPR. It's an anal.

Yeah, because you lived in buttfuck Iowa. You know, and you want to be on the arts desk. You want to be the senior Mideast correspondent. Right. But those jobs are hard to get. There's a barrier to entry.

Sure. It's all about who you know. Right. You got to make a little scratch. You're a good looking lady like K. John Cermak. Or actually, I once saw a pretty amazing porn flick, which is what I think. Oh, one of them stag films, huh? A blue movie, you say.

Starring Don Gagne. Yeah. Gagne. Yeah. It was amazing. But their sexual grunts are so relaxing. They got those voices. I was watching a movie that starred Guy Raz.

And I liked the look of him. I liked the way he fucked. I thought he was a little inquisitive. Yeah, sure. His line of questioning I wasn't sure about. Oh, my God. What's our next call? I think I'm going to die.

Don't die. We're held liable. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. Calling with the momentum of this case. My name is Brian from West Virginia. So I'm an exterminator, and I was at someone's house, you know, doing the thing you do as an exterminator. And I was in a bedroom of this man's wife who was not home, and I saw a lot of pictures of her with a little chimp. And I turned around from that bedroom and saw what I first thought was a taxidermied chimp. It really freaked me out.

But then I thought, you know, it's probably just a stuffed chimp. Until her husband came into the room and said, Hey there, you like my freeze dried chimp? To which I replied, to which he replied, yeah, he was like a grandson to my wife. He was in his cage one day and he have like a piece of string or something and and just hung himself so we had him taxidermied um i was really scared i still kind of am um and i'm leaving this house fairly quickly um but just thought you guys would enjoy that alright thanks Jesus Christ this guy live in a John Waters movie wait was he calling from the house

from inside the house it kind of sounded like it that is so weird wow you know what that's what you should get for your cat a stuffed chimp to climb on Wow. You know what? That's what you should get for your cat. A stuffed chimp to climb on?

I feel like weird shit goes down in West Virginia. I've been to West Virginia. It's a beautiful country. People are freeze-drying chimps. Because the thing is, it's heavily forested. You've got rolling country. And you've got meth labs. Yeah. I mean, you can hide anything in there.

That's insane. People just go there to do their own thing. Yeah, yeah. Away from the prying eyes of Barack Hussein Obama. You're telling me. And his drones. Jeez, that guy. That guy.

He probably has a freeze-dried chimp or two. I like the idea. I guess I was kind of just picturing the photos. And I like the idea of someone taking their chimp or two. I like the idea. I guess I was kind of just like picturing the photos and I like the idea of someone taking their chimp to like Sears

to get the portrait made. They're in front of like that just like ivory background. What's amazing to me about this is how disturbing does a dead animal story have to be

to upset a professional exterminator? Yeah, right? That's true. My job is Yeah, right? That's true. My job is to kill animals. That's funny. What was he scared of, I wonder? Ghosts?

Ghost chimp? I mean, I think those pet chimps are dangerous. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Or maybe he thought that- String accidents? Yeah.

It's like, you know, it's like that uncanny valley, you know? It's like, oh, they're like people, but they're not quite people. But then if they commit suicide, then it really fucks you up. Here's the question. I'm really upset right now. Was it an accident or was it suicide? Yeah. Hard to say.

I mean, yeah, some chimps have just like depression that goes untreated. Yeah. Jesus Christ. They don't seek help. I mean, yeah, some chimps have just like depression that goes untreated. Yeah. Jesus Christ. They don't seek help because they don't have language. Yeah. If I'm going to have to deal with this level of fucking monkey feelings, I need the next scene to star Babe. You know? Having some monkey feelings?

Yeah. No. If there's monkey, there's a whole fucking shitload of weird, creepy monkey feelings. And I need the next one to have a steadfast hero that I can believe in like Babe. Anyway, that's what made Babe Pig in the City work so well. Yeah, sure. James Franco or John Lithgow.

Yeah, I'll take them. Yeah. Yeah, why not? We got one more call, Brian? One more call. Let's hear it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, friends. The myth of the occasion for today is

I worked downtown Minneapolis. I was in a Macy's using the bathroom, walk in. First thing that hits me is this wave of awful smell and there is a grown man washing his clothes in the sink. Not that I haven't seen it before, but this guy had his pants around his ankles. Everything was out. Penis, balls, while he was washing his underwear in the sink.

He looked at me. I looked at him. I peed. I left. Pretty cool. You just went in there and peed, huh? Yeah. Pretty good.

That's gutsy. I got to tell you, I opened the door. I see some balls. I turn around, I go out. You know what I mean? Brows, yeah, brows around in women's shoes for a little bit. I'm not, I mean, look, you need a place to wash your underpants, go to town. Sure. Macy's is probably pretty good.

It's probably one of the cleaner bathrooms you can go into. Hey, I used to work at Macy's. You kept the bathrooms pretty clean? Rock solid. Okay. But it's no bathroom at Neiman Marcus, but you know. Hey, come on. Don't get classist.

That's a different price point. Sorry. I'm a discerning hobo. I only wash my filthy unders at Marnie's, Neiman Marcus, or I just have it done at Brooks Brothers. Have them take them in a little bit. Yeah, I mean, the thing that... I would probably use the ladies' room

before I would use the bathroom while a nude man was... A foul-smelling nude man was washing his garments. And again, I say go to town washing your garments. People have a difficult time finding a place to wash their clothes. Wash it wherever the fuck you want. I don't give a shit. Yeah, better than having dirty clothes, I guess.

Yeah, but I don't want to be there. I mean, I just maybe advice to public bathroom sink clothes washers. Have a, you know, pair of basketball shorts or sweatpants that you wear while you're washing your clothes so your dick's not out. It's so much less terrifying. The rest of the time you can wear them as a sort of headdress. Yes. There you go. To shield you from the sun.

Yeah. Okay. And the prying drones of Barack Hussein Obama. If you want to share something with us, you can call us at 206-984-4FUN. Not just momentous occasions. You can share a moment of shame with us if something horrible happens to you. Or just your thoughts. Yeah. What are your thoughts?

Maybe we won't play those, but if you just want to rample into the phone, sure. What are your thoughts on current affairs? Let Sunny D know. She's the one that listens to the calls. 206-984-4FUN is the number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org is our email address. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. We'll be right back. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love joy to have you on the program. Thank you so much for coming. It's my favorite Night Ranger song.

Thank you. This has been illuminating. Susan, you have... We try. You have cemented your reputation as the fun one amongst America's nonfiction literati. Thank you.

I take that as a gigantic compliment. I mean, people, look. Any, you ask some book dorkus who's got a good Twitter feed, they're going to tell you Susan Orlean, right? But now she's locked down the rep. Because once you're on

Jordan, Jesse, go. This is the thinking man's 100 minutes of bullshit. Sure. I'm proud. A lot of high rollers listen to this show. Yeah. Dan Kennedy is listening right now.

Hi, Dan. Hey, Dan. I enjoyed your debut novel. Yeah. It's real good. I've had a blast. And I also think that we're on the brink of really cashing in on our dreams. We had, I mean, we had at least three solid fortune-making ideas on this show. Oh.

Just to recap real quick. I know we're wrapping up, but I just want to recap. What do we have? A sauna-based web series. Sure. That is shot mainly in Norse countries. What was the basis of the web series? Us in a sauna.

Sorry, a sauna. Gotcha. I need to enunciate better. I'm thinking, like, that sounds like a word I know. It's a little off. It's not quite right. What else did we have? A cocktail bar where the cocktails are made from debunked novelty sodas.

Yeah, a particularly transparent one. Sureunked novelty sodas. Yeah. A particularly transparent one. Sure. But also new Coke. Yeah. And two- The winner. The drum roll.

Yeah. Ham Heine Steak. Ham Heine Steak. Two Harley handlebars that you stick on either sides of a ham so you can walk around a fair and eat it. that you stick on either sides of a ham so you can walk around a fair and eat it. Dear Netscape Navigator creator Mark Andreessen, please write us a check for $100.

We want to buy a mule. We had some business ideas, but we said fuck it. We just want to buy a mule and have him pull a cart while we do lewds in the desert. Susan, what's your next big writing project? What are people looking forward to? Let's say they've got some sense and they've already read Rin Tin Tin, your most recent nonfiction book. I am working on a book about the Los Angeles Central Library. Oh.

I'm not going to lie to you. That sounds really boring. I know. About the arson fire that burned it down in 1986. Ooh. Yeah. Do you think Richard Reardon did it for the insurance money? He actually confessed to me.

It's going to blow this book off the shelves. Yeah. No, it's a crazy, weird story. And also, I love the challenge of saying, you think a book about libraries is boring? Well, I'm going to prove you wrong. And you know what? The New Yorker, I think, is still free on the internet right now. Till October.

So, you know, you can go on the internet read Susan's article about horse e-books. Oh. Yeah. That sounds like a lot of fun. That blew the lid off of that. You're blowing all sorts of lids off things. Take that, horse e-books. Yeah, sure. Well, we all are. Jordan just got back from Burning Man.

Sure. Okay. That's all I got. Sonny D on the boards. Mr. Brian Fernandez. Oh, shit. You know what we got? What?

We got two laser die cut pictures of ourselves. Great. Made out of wood that a listener made us. Terrific. Now, obviously, he was nice enough to include in his note to us And I don't have his name handy But I did send him a thank you note I'm not ungrateful He was nice enough to include in his note to us

That we didn't have to keep them We just throw them away But they're kind of neat I bet somebody would like them Don't you think somebody out there would like them I think so Someone with beautiful decor Who wants to make it worse.

All you have to do is email jjgoe at maximumfund.org. Put your mailing address in there. And mention whether you're a donor. An organ donor? Yeah, organ donors only. First two donors, get them. Great. You don't have a contest? What should the contest be? Organ donor? Yeah, organ donors only. First two donors get them. Great. We'll send them to you in the mail.

You don't want to have a contest? What should the contest be? Well, I figured only two people, up to two people would want them. Yeah, that's not probably a good... I mean, who wants wood-cut faces of us? Probably only two people. It's our faces cut out of wood, sure. I think you're maybe flattering yourself, so maybe one.

Yeah. Hey, you want two? We're just going to put both of these in there. Yeah. Yeah. JJGo and MaximumFun.org. Great. Send it in.

You know, if you don't, we'll just put you on the Land's End catalog mailing list. Sure. You don't win. Sunny D on the boards. Our theme music is Love You, courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Shout out to all the folks talking about Jordan, Jesse, Go on the Inch, and on our Facebook group, on forum.maximumfun.org. Lots of cool chatter. You're going to hang out with Smart Bunny there.

Yeah. Want to hang out with Smart Bunny? Sounds like fun. Forum.maximumfun.org. Hit that up. On the Reddit, reddit.com slash r slash maximumfun. It's a good place to hang out. No nude pics of your favorite celebs.

That's a rule on our fucking subreddit. And no Pokemon shit. And no Pokemon shit. So there's two rules. It's alienated us from over 95% of the Reddit community. I just erased that bookmark. You were looking for nude Pikachu pics.

You were looking for a Pikachu. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll talk to you online and next week on Jordan, Jessica.

Bye-bye.